Hillary Clinton (who is in Iowa) says, "Dave has been off the air for eight long weeks because of the writers' strike. Tonight, he's back. Oh, well, all good things come to an end."

10. Tim Carvell from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
9. Laura Krafft from The Colbert Report
8. Melissa Salmons from soap operas
7. Warren Leight from Law & Order: Criminal Intent
6. Jay Katsir from The Colbert Report
5. Steve Bodow from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
4. Nora Ephron, famous writer and director
3. Gina Gianfrido from Law & Order
2. Chris Albers from Late Night with Conan O'Brien (formerly with LNDL)
1. Alan Zweibel, award-winning author

1/03/08 [2843]: monologue sampler:

1. "I know what you're saying to yourselves at home - you're saying, 'Jeez, Dave looks like a guy whose cabin would be surrounded by federal agents.' "
2. "Have you ever had a beard? Anybody here ever have a beard? Here's what happened: I didn't really grow a beard, I just stopped shaving. But ever since I've had this, I also have a very, very strong urge to spit tobaccky juice."

"David Letterman surprised viewers yesterday by returning to the air with a beard. This is the first time he has sported a beard since his portrayal of Uncle Jesse in The Dukes of Hazzard. David Letterman: Cooter, got your ears on?"

"Knicks suck. Mitt Romney's an ass. What is a massive coronary, Alex? Baseball players love steroids. Mike Huckabee loves Jesus. Kiefer loves booze. Amy Winehouse really loves booze. Those Spears girls really love sex."

1/04/08 [2844]: desk chat: Dave announces that he's probably getting shaved in Monday's episode. He cautions Barbara Gaines that he doesn't want a similar outcome as last time (July 5, 1988, I believe), when he looked like he'd been in a knife fight. It seems he wants a trim before the close work starts. "It's the same thing they do with sheep," Dave says. ••• A new video arrived from Osama a couple of days ago: We're used to Osama's friendly voice-overs. This time he's just taking a drink of water. / Guess what? The al-Qaida writers are on strike, too. ••• Dave doesn't understand everything about the strike. / video:

"The Writers Guild of America wants you to believe that its demands are reasonable. But consider this: For every dollar that their programs earn on the Internet, the writers are asking for 2½ pennies. How the hell are we supposed to cut a penny in half? Some kind of magical penny scissors? Also, we'd prefer to keep those other two pennies to ourselves. The AMPTP: Cowards, cutthroats and weasels since 1982."

(clip of a poorly-programmed ED209 robot officer shooting a helpless young OCP junior executive to death in Robocop) The old guy says, "Dick, I'm very disappointed," to which Dick Jones replies, "I'm sure it's just a glitch."

1/07/08 [2845]: cold open: Tom Hanks and Dave / Tom mentions that he hates Dave's guts. Little does he know... the bearded gentlemen he's talking to is Dave himself. ••• "It's too warm" jokes ••• desk chat: Dave says he has to get rid of the beard tonight. He shows Photoshopped versions of his beard, gathered from various papers. (We see the Abe version, the Santa version, the ZZ Top version and someone on a fatwa.) ••• after commercial: Dave puts on a bright yellow raincoat and hat to advertise Gorton's® Fish Sticks. ••• Diane Wood and Roberto Patane from the Paul Mole Barbershop on Lexington Ave. will shave our host. ••• Tom Hanks plugs Charlie Wilson's War. (Tom comes out with a first aid kit to work on a few nicks that Dave picked up in the previous segment.) ••• Governor Mike Huckabee

1/08/08 [2846]: The legendary Bill Medley is sitting in with the CBSO tonight. One of the two Righteous Brothers, he was responsible for such blockbuster classics as "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" and "Unchained Melody." That was the kind of awesome music I heard at high school dances. ••• Congratulations to Eric Stangel and his wife, Elizabeth, on the birth of baby Eva on December 18. ••• desk chat: Dave reports to be traumatized over the loss of his beard in episode 2845. It's partly because he's really tired of shaving. Then he saw this video (Dave getting shaved) and this voice-over:

"Last night, bowing to the requests of millions, David Letterman finally shaved his beard. This was a welcome development; however, now that Dave's entire face is once again visible, we would just like to say, 'Grow the beard back, Dave.' — Paid for by everyone."

1/09/08 [2847]: "Mitt Romney Campaign Cliché Count" (18) ••• General Motors is working on a driverless car. "This is not a good idea," Dave opines. It should be ready in 10 years. Their commercial makes it look very exciting. / video:

"For nearly a century, General Motors has led the way in automotive technology. And now, after investing billions of dollars in research and development, we are proud to unveil a revolutionary new vehicle that drives itself, steers itself, even parks itself." (clip of a hoss) "General Motors: Leading the way to the 19th century."

"My fellow Americans, a buddy of mine once dared me to drink a quart of motor oil. I drank two, and made forty bucks!"

1/10/08 [2848]: Hillary Clinton lost to Barack Obama in Iowa, then defeated him in New Hampshire. Pollsters were surprised and embarrassed. / video:

"New Hampshire's Democratic primary results came as a surprise to Zogby International, as they did to other pollsters. In the case of Zogby, our error can be attributed to a sampling flaw. We only polled New Hampshire residents with the last name Zogby. Zogby International: Zoggin' it up since 1984."

"My fellow Americans, I use Canadian quarters to buy Twixt® bars in Senate vending machines. What are you gonna do about it?"

"New Yorkers were shocked to learn that two men allegedly brought their deceased friend into a cash checking store so they could collect on his Social Security check. Many are wondering why the men weren't stopped as they wheeled a dead body through Midtown in an office chair. But, in the police's defense, usually when they get reports of a corpse in an office chair in Midtown, it turns out to be this guy." (clip of Dave at his desk) "New York City: What dies in New York stays in New York."

1/11/08 [2849]: "Straight Talk with Mitt Romney": squabbling with John McCain over amnesty in a debate / Romney said he hadn't seen his campaign ad. ••• Roger Clemens denied using performance-enhancing drugs on 60 Minutes. / video:

"Roger Clemens continues to maintain that he didn't take performance-enhancing drugs. Roger is considering legal action against those who allege he took human growth hormone. In fact, right now he's meeting with his lawyers." (photo of a gigantic Clemens at a table full of regular-sized humans) "Roger Clemens: Large and in charge."

"The Writers Guild of America is trying to portray the studios as greedy and unwilling to compromise, but consider the facts. When the writers complained about their share of revenue from online streaming of their programs, we proposed a contract that doubled their percentage. 0% 00% But the writers still refused to sign, even after we tripled and quadrupled our offer. 000% 0000% You just can't win with these people. The AMPTP: Cowards, cutthroats and weasels since 1982."

1/14/08 [2850]: Today's the 8^th anniversary of the quintuple bypass. ••• desk chat: Dave has a lengthy recount of the bypass operation. It took him a while to get to it, but yes, he eventually reminded us that he was groped. Oh, and he tossed in the part about the high school wrestlers helping to crack open his rib cage. ••• Legendary boom mike operator Al Norwood brings his microphone to point blank range so we can hear Daddy's heart. (factory sounds) "Thank God we settled with the writers," Dave exclaims. ••• bonus comedy: Dave has Al smack Tony Mendez with the boom mike. ••• The Chinese cloned a pig a couple of years ago, and they injected it with cells that make it glow. Now that pig has had offspring, and guess what? The people at Jimmy Dean® have glowing sausages on the market. ••• President Bush is still on his trip to the Middle East. Dave feels bad for him, because everywhere he goes, he has trouble. / CNN video:

"In the Mideast this weekend, the crown prince of Abu Dabai showed President Bush one of his prized falcons. Sadly, however, Cheney shot the thing. The Bush administration: 26% and falling."

1/15/08 [2851]: desk chat: Dave apparently had some wise guys for the pre-show questions. He announces the end of that foolishness. ••• Barbara Gaines interrupts to have Dave pick up the fake telephone. It's another encounter with Jeff Altman, as Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, with another exciting radio exchange. ••• George W. Bush was in Saudi Arabia today. Sometimes when he's abroad, he gets confused. (clip of the President practicing smiling before a televised address) ••• Dave brings up the caper in New York City on January 8, where David Dalaia and James P. O'Hare allegedly rolled their dead friend, Virgilio Cintron, into a check cashing place in an office chair to collect on his Social Security check. / This brings us to a brand new segment: "Can Two Guys and Their Dead Friend in an Office Chair Hail a Cab?" / Michael Z. McIntee and Harold Larkin have a carcass loaded onto a chair. (He might have been Eddie Valk. He's usually in on this kind of mischief.) They had a few misses, but before long a cab driver pulls over and waits patiently as the deceased Late Show staffer is tossed into the back seat. ••• Denzel Washington plugs The Great Debaters. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Planning your next vacation? Dead tourists are always welcome." ••• more Denzel Washington ••• Don Rickles plugs his DVD, Mr. Warmth. Denzel hangs around for Don's segment.

1/16/08 [2852]: desk chat: Dave continues last night's topic of wacky interactions in the pre-show questions from audience members. Tonight a woman asked if Dave could get her something to eat. He gets Gaines on it. ••• Sylvester Stallone is in a new Rambo movie. Is he too old? / video promo:

"In the beginning, there was First Blood. Then the blood continued to flow in Rambo: First Blood Parts II & III. And now, years later, the one-man army faces his most difficult challenge yet, when he is prescribed Coumadin: First Blood Thinner. In theaters everywhere January 25th."

"Americans need a facial tissue that works as hard as they do. That's why Kleenex is there for you, whether you're suffering a small cold, or in the midst of a crazed breakdown after losing a football game." (video of a weeping Terrell Owens: 'This is my team. This is my quarterback. And when you guys do that, man, it's not fair,' he sniffles.) "Kleenex: the tissue people."

1/17/08 [2853]: desk chat/rant: Dave was watching the National Geographic channel last night. They were showing a wild hippopotamus. Also, they had a guy who had built a hippopotamus device that would visit the hippopotamus. Dave wonders what kind of dumbass builds his own hippopotamus device.

"The hippopotamus doesn't want you out there. I don't want you out there. And... and big deal... just because you can build your own hippopotamus device, bring it upstairs to the living room and show your wife, and take it back downstairs. Don't go bothering a hippopotamus," Dave suggests, "What is wrong with people?!"

"Some thing has found us. On January 18, experience the event that will change everything, and behold a monster so horrifying that it will take your breath away." (picture of the Geico® gecko, who asks, "Are those clams?") "Starts Friday."

"In a stunning technological breakthrough, scientists in Hungary have created a computer program that can decipher a dog's barking. And, with a little more research, they hope to use the same technology to decipher the inscrutable sounds made by other creatures." (clip of President George W. Bush stammering)

1/18/08 [2854]: Panasonic has unveiled a 150-inch television. / video:

"The future of television is here. Introducing Panasonic's new 150-inch Life Panel television, offering the ultimate TV viewing experience. And, if you like enormous products, you should also check out Panasonic's eight-foot remote control, our 11-foot DVD player and our 17-foot radio. Panasonic: Ideas for Life."

• "Nepal shall always cherish his devotion to the Everest region." -Nepal Prime Minister Girija Prasad Koirala
• "His bravery in mounting the frigid and deadly Everest will forever be remembered." -New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark
• "If you want to see a real accomplishment, try mounting something frigid and deadly named Hillary." -Bill Clinton / a "Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night"

"The Writers Guild of America continues to portray the studios as unwilling to return to the bargaining table and negotiate in good faith. This assertion is false. The AMPTP is pleased to announce it is ready to begin negotiations in the next three seconds. 3 2 1" (buzzer) "The negotiation window is now closed. Better luck next time, losers. The AMPTP: Cowards, cutthroats and weasels since 1982."

1/21/08 [2855]: desk chat: Four-year-old Harry J. Letterman is learning how to ice skate. Someone suggested that it would help if he wears his skates in the house, and that's just what he did over the weekend. Unfortunately, our host was wearing no shoes nor socks, and Harry skated on his foot. "I'm tellin' you, ladies and gentlemen, it was like a meat slicer," Dave reports. Paul, well aware of Dave's tendency toward hypochondria, interrogates him at length, "Were you bleeding? Was there effusive blood? Can you feel your toe?" Eventually Paul appears to determine that the treatment was one standard-size Band-Aid®. ••• "Unfortunate Phrasing of the Night" (We see Senator Chuck Schumer on FoxNews.)

"I think that, you know, the President's package was about the right size..."

"Now that Congressman Duncan Hunter has dropped his bid for the Presidency, his loyal staff would like to thank him for all of his efforts over the past 14 months. Unfortunately, even we don't know who the hell he is, or what he looks like. So instead of using photos of the Congressman for this announcement, we're using pictures of beloved character actor Ben Gazzara. So long, Congressman Hunter. A grateful nation salutes you."

"A huge monster on the rampage, destroying everything in its path. Are you covered? State Farm® offers comprehensive commercial and residential monster insurance, with premiums to fit your budget. State Farm: the giant monster insurance people."

1/22/08 [2856]: Alex Trebek is back at work after a heart attack on Dec. 10, 2007. Has he returned too soon? / video: He's accepting all wrong answers on Jeopardy. ••• This morning, Osama's son was on Today. / video:

"What's it like to be related to the most-hated man in the world? To have the embodiment of evil for a father? To have the last name bin Laden? Find out as Matt Lauer interviews Osama bin Laden's idiot son, Osama W. bin Laden." (picture of George W. Bush with a beard superimposed) "The Today show. Only on NBC."

"As part of Lindsay Lohan's punishment for driving under the influence, a judge has ordered her to spend four hours at the Los Angeles County Morgue. Big deal! Like she's never had to look at a corpse before?" (clip of Lindsay and late night talk show host David Letterman) "This has been the 'Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night.' "

1/23/08 [2857]: cold open: Dave and Jude / She's quoting from a paper that a lot of celebrities are taking steroids to try to get a perfect body. "You know, I was lucky. I've never felt like I needed... you know... any help. I never felt like I needed steroids," Dave says. Jude giggles and says, "You poor, pathetic, deluded bonehead." ••• The Giants are going to the Super Bowl. / video:

"Congratulations to the New York Giants for their big win Sunday night, and condolences to those who had money on the Packers." (clip of Terrell Owens crying) "Put on a skirt, Princess."

1/24/08 [2858]: Fred Thompson dropped out of the Presidential race on January 22. / farewell speech video: Frankenstein, speaking slowly ••• [Jeff Altman, as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, with radio traffic] ••• Lt. Len Easton is turning up all over. Dave thought it was sunspots at first. In fact, he was on Larry King Live last night. / video: Larry: "Reno, Nevada, hello." / Len: chattering. ••• Cloverfield is about a monster that crawls up out of the East River and destroys New York City. Dave went to see it. He didn't find it that scary. / video: The monster's relaxed on the couch, watching TV. His plump, nagging wife says her mother's waiting outside the bowling alley. ••• Alex Trebek had himself a heart attack on Dec. 10, but he's tan, he's well-rested and he's back. But did he come back too soon? / video: Alex is accepting all wrong answers from contestants. He's not in mid-season form. / Alex: "It comes out of your car's tailpipe." Contestant: "What are raisins?" ••• [CHP] ••• The Moment of Truth debuted on Fox tonight. Contestants are given lie detector tests. / video:

"It's the hot new game show in which contestants can win $500,000 if they pass a lie detector test. Who's telling the truth, and who's not?" (clip of George W. Bush: "Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction.") (BUZZER) "The Moment of Truth, Wednesdays on Fox."

1/25/08 [2859]: Jeopardy host Alex Trebek had the big one on December 10, 2007. He's back on the show now, but Dave continues to worry because he's accepting all wrong answers. ••• "Bruce Willis's Secret Word": condensation ••• [Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, with radio traffic] ••• Oliver Stone is working on a movie about the life and presidency of George W. Bush. / trailer:

"Greatness was expected of him from an early age, but the path would not be easy. Alcohol addiction. Loss of faith. Living in the shadow of his father. But he battled his demons and emerged from the darkness to occupy the highest office in the land. From acclaimed filmmaker Oliver Stone: BUSH, starring Andy Dick as George W. Bush, coming November 2008."

"Hi. I'm Late Show writer and strike captain Bill Scheft. That bit you saw should have ended with the stunt man running around the stage on fire. Unfortunately, we couldn't bring you that delightful joke. This morning, Local 579 of the Pyrotechnicians Union went out on strike in sympathy with the Writers Guild of America. While we regret the loss of what would have been some tremendous physical comedy, we salute our pyrotechnician brothers for their solidarity with the writers. Just like writing, setting guys on fire is a specialized craft. The entertainment business needs both writing and people running around in flames. It's time for the big media companies to come back to the bargaining table and make a fair deal. Thanks for your support from all of the creative unions."

1/28/08 [2860]: cold open: Dave and Johnny Dark ••• "Late Show Superbowl Preview" (All we've got is the fancy intro.) ••• "John McCain Interviews Himself" ••• [It's Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, with radio traffic.] ••• Lt. Easton is showing up on other programs. We see him with Chris Russo and Mike Francesa of WFAN. ••• It was a big weekend for candidate endorsements. Caroline Kennedy and Edward Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama, but Hillary Clinton is a fighter. When these endorsements came out, Hillary has her own endorsement. / video:

"So, Barack Obama got an endorsement from Ted Kennedy? Well, Hillary Clinton is pleased to announce that she's gotten an endorsement from Ted Cassidy, TV's Lurch. Hillary Clinton... Checkmate, bitch!"

"Hi, I'm Late Show Strike Captain Bill Scheft. Unfortunately, to underscore that the writers' strike marches on, you won't be able to see the rest of this interactive comedy segment. With the strike now entering its 13th week, the producers' intractability continues to deprive John and Jane Q. Citizen of their favorite television programs. Accordingly, you won't be able to enjoy the sheer brilliance of some moron we yanked off the street identifying Craig T. Nelson's silly little golf cap. That's why tonight, I'm pleased to announce that Rupert Jee's own union has joined the Writers Guild of America in our fight. Isn't that right, Rupert?"

"The International Meat Workers Union is with you, Bill," Rupert says.

"Rupert, that just makes me so happy," Bill exclaims, "together we'll get Big Media to stop jerkin' the little guy around."

1/29/08 [2861]: desk chat: Richard Branson is going to run a shuttle system to space for tourists. Dave was excited until he saw the animation for what the two-hour trip would be like. / video: black and white footage of SpaceShip Two blowing up landmarks ••• Gaines says there's another call from Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol. ••• Now others are getting calls from Lt. Easton. / video: C-SPAN: "Keep your volume down," the host advises Lt. Easton. ••• Mike Huckabee won big in the Iowa primary, but hasn't won since. / video:

"Despite a surprise win in Iowa, Mike Huckabee has lost the last five primaries, and he can no longer afford to pay his entire staff. So to add a much-needed jolt to his campaign, he's made a bold decision. He's getting fat again! Huckabee lost 110 pounds before running for President, but our research shows that America loves giant fat guys. So Mike is gaining back all the weight, and then some. And for a campaign donation of just $50, he'll eat anything you want. Guaranteed. Mike Huckabee: Porkin' up for America!"

1/30/08 [2862]: Dave shows a gold hat that a kid from Birmingham, Michigan, a gift so Paul's head won't be cold. Paul models it. ••• Yesterday in Arizona, the New England Patriots held a press conference. / video:

"During yesterday's media day, a strange woman in a wedding dress asked Tom Brady to marry her. The bizarre woman? Well, it's none other than America's favorite loon, Sean Young. Tune into the Doritos Super Bowl halftime show to find out what other crap the crazy old bat has up her sleeve. Sean Young: If you're not wasted, the day is, dude."

"On Tuesday a passing asteroid flew within 350,000 miles of earth, offering a rare chance to see one of these giant slabs of rock up close. And if you like looking at giant slabs of rock up close, visit the unemployment office today around 2:00, as Fred Thompson drops by to pick up his check. NASA: Double A -- MCO."

1/31/08 [2863]: video: Dave as a weather man, as requested by an audience guy ••• "Memorable Super Bowl Moments" #19: "Super Bowl 9: The Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Minnesota Vikings. Late in the third quarter, Mean Joe Green stomped on Fran Tarkenton's nuts." ••• Barbara Gaines has Dave pick up the phone for more radio traffic from Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol. / Lt. Easton is all over the place now. / video: He turns up on The Suze Orman Show. ••• Presidential candidates are dropping out of the race like flies. / video (with male voice-over):

"After much deliberation, John Edwards has decided to drop out of the 2008 Presidential race. Despite this setback, John will continue to be a tireless advocate for working families, using his warm, gentle smile, unmistakable Southern charm, soft, firm hands and piercing, blue eyes that make the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Oh, man, I think I'm gay. A message from John Edwards."

2/01/08 [2864]: 26^th ANNIVERSARY OF DAVE ON LATE NIGHT ••• "Television 26 Years Ago" / video:

"Dallas is the top-rated prime-time program in the country. Bryant Gumbel makes his debut appearance on the Today show. Regis Philbin celebrates his 75th year on television."

"Don't miss America's premiere Groundhog Day event in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania this Saturday. Will Phil predict more winter, or an early spring? Then, on Super Bowl Sunday, stop by the Punxsutawney Applebee's® for a Super Groundhog Party Platter. Applebee's®: Eatin' good in the neighborhood.®"

2/04/08 [2865]: cold open: We see the 60 Minutes clock. Voice-over: "And now, 60 minutes of your life you'll never get back." ••• desk chat (long): Dave has a lot to say about the Super Bowl. ••• live via satellite to Glendale, Arizona for "Biff Henderson at Super Bowl XLII" (with "How to Spell Umenyiora," The View in the replay booth, Score Update: Patriots 14, Bush's approval rating: 29, "Biff Henderson's One-on-One Interview with Tom Brady," Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Micahel Johnson, Ahmad Bradshaw, Madison Hedgecock, Brandon Jacobs, Reuben Doughns, Lawrence Tynes, Osi Umenyiora, Sam Madison, Michael Strahan, Eli Manning and Giants head coach Tom Coughlin) ••• Top Ten New England Patriot Excuses, Senator Hillary Clinton, Act 5 Audience Pan: "Late Show Announcement": "Super Bowl XLII MVP Eli Manning was stuck on a plane for seven hours. He'll be on the Late Show on Wednesday." ••• more Hillary ••• Sheryl Crow sings.

2/05/08 [2866]: video: The Super Bowl XLII champion New York Giants had their victory parade in the Canyon of Giants today. (Perhaps not. Some of the images, such as the headdresses and codpieces, suggest that footage of a gay pride parade may have been substituted.) ••• Gaines persuades Dave to pick up the phone. You guessed it. Jeff Altman, as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, has radio traffic. ••• video from Larry King Live: Lt. Easton is bothering this program, as well. Dave Letterman Action News promo ••• Ted Kennedy and others have weighed in with political endorsements. / video:

"John McCain is an experienced, visionary Republican we can believe in. That's why Senator McCain has been endorsed by the late President Gerald Ford. John McCain for President." (wacky only-the-lips-moving picture of the President) "I'm the late Gerald Ford, and I approve of this message."

2/06/08 [2867]: In the Super Bowl post-game interviews, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was very quiet. / video:

"The New England Patriots would like to congratulate the Giants on a hard-fought Super Bowl victory. And, while we are disappointed that we were not able to achieve perfection, that our quarterback was relentlessly pummeled throughout the game, and that this team will not go down in history as the greatest ever, we would like to remind our fans that there is no reason to feel sorry for Tom Brady. He's still Bündchening his brains out. A message from the New England Patriots."

2/07/08 [2868]: cold open: "CBS Late Movie": "We return now to Charles Bronson and Jill Ireland in the dramatic conclusion of Death Wish 2." ••• [Claudia from Denver (and Australia) plays "Know Your Cuts of Meat." Since Claudia's from Australia, Dave gets to do one of his favorite jokes about kangaroo meat jumping off the plate. / Stephanie Birkitt delivers dinner certificates for "Know Your Current Events" and "Know Your Cuts of Meat" participants, plus meats from Lobel's (pound-for-pound the finest butcher shop in the world). With the strike (and a busy last year of law school), we haven't seen Stephanie in five months!! / Tom from Sunnyvale, California plays "Know Your Current Events." / Larry Frankel from Allentown, Pennsylvania (Segment Producer Brian Teta) has been seen in his aisle seat in the audience, looking like a kid waiting outside the principal's office. Oddly enough, Larry is the next contestant. Dave learns that Larry works in a comic book store. Suddenly, Larry takes off in a sprint to the nearest exit, not unlike Napoleon Dynamite.] ••• Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out of the Presidential Race ••• Kate Hudson plugs Fool's Gold. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "It's all happening on tomorrow's Late Show." (promo) ••• more Jack Hanna / Jack, his assistant and Dave all very nearly get bitten by a cobra that Jack's been monkeying around with.

2/08/08 [2869]: more Mitt Romney jokes ••• Hillary Clinton's campaigning has caused her to lose her voice. / bogus video: a voice-over by a man with a gravelly voice ••• Dave Letterman Action News promo / video:

"Coming up... meet the goat who will paint your van for $39.99. But don't be surprised if he eats your back seat. Later, on Action News."

2/11/08 [2870]: desk chat: The lady in the audience who wants Oprah tickets is told she's out of luck. ••• desk stunt: Dave does a pencil flip. / slo-mo replay ••• lengthy desk chat: Apparently Les Moonves persuaded Dave to go to the West Coast to play in the AT&T Pro-Am golf whoop-te-do in Pebble Beach, California. Dave played with Ernie Els. He hasn't played in 10 years. He did fine, and claims he did it in dress shoes. ••• outside cam: a look at the billboard with the Sports Illustrated cover ••• This just in / video: Amy Winehouse wins the Kansas primary. ••• Top Ten Answers to the Question "How Cold Is It?" / #4: "It's so cold, Romney changed his first name to Mitten." ••• another installment of "Let's Talk About the Candidates" / Biff Henderson is in the audience with Christy Lenza from Staten Island. When Dave mentions that Mitt Romney has suspended his Presidential campaign, a gentleman in the audience goes berserk. As he exits the theater, he beats three male staff and proceeds to the lobby, where he decks Dr. Phil McGraw. ••• Dave has 3-D glasses to look at a Sports Illustrated. ••• Kate Walsh plugs Private Practice. / a look at Kate's doggie in the green room ••• outside cam: A billboard with the latest Sports Illustrated cover is uncovered. The cover model, who'll be on the Late Show tomorrow, is Marisa Miller. / Alan Kalter tells us all about Marisa. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: The Late Show is where you want to be tomorrow." (promo) ••• Jason Sudeikis of Saturday Night Live ••• OK Go and Bonerama sing.

2/12/08 [2871]: outside cam: a look at the billboard featuring Marisa Miller on the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition / As we direct our attention to the bottom of the billboard, we discover our old friend, Building Engineer George Clarke, there for a better look. ••• Another much-talked-about cover has come out. Yes, it's Mustache Aficionado, and the dashing cover model, Michael Z. McIntee, is seen in the green room. (You know him. You love him. You can't read the Wahoo without him.) ••• As snow falls on Broadway, Dave shows a brand new book, Everything I Said About Global Warming Is a Load of Crap, by Al Gore. ••• This just in... We have a live feed from California. The reclusive Michael Jackson is describing a robbery of his house to reporters. (Actually, Michael is portrayed by the legendary Carol Channing.) ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 3. George W. Bush: stammering ••• Dave shows a picture of Marisa Miller in a painted-on bikini. He wonders how they painted the trim. ••• "Valentine's Day Cards" ••• Sponsoring tonight's TTL is Horsey-Dipe® diapers. ••• Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today ••• Evangeline Lilly plugs Lost. ••• Something goes wrong with a clip from CPAC 2008. It seems that videotape guy Tom Catusi has been locked up in that little room too long, and he substituted a clip from Blazing Saddles. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show: Martin Short and Amy Ryder" ••• Sports Illustrated cover model Marisa Miller ••• Brad Paisley sings.

2/13/08 [2872]: cold open: Jude Brennan pretends to be on the phone in order to avoid Dave. ••• after jokes: Dave models his gray socks for an audience lady. ••• Dave announces that he feels pretty good about his orange, black and white tie. ••• Roger Clemens testified before Congress today as they look into performance-enhancing drug accusations. / video: Clemens admits to B-12 injections. We're a bit startled at his gigantic noggin. ••• [live via CBS satellite: Doug in Georgetown, Kentucky is completely unresponsive to Dave.] ••• Iran will have nuclear weapons in about three years, but there may be a silver lining. / video:

"According to the latest intelligence, Iran is expected to have nuclear weapons in three years, and that can mean only one thing: unbelievable bargains in Best Buy®'s Impending Apocalypse Sale! Best Buy®: Making the end of the world fun again!"

"Should babies be forced to do their own taxes?"

• "And now it is my great pleasure to introduce The Temptations"
• "Thank you all for comin.' We have a 'boofet' for you."

2/14/08 [2873]: cold open: In the background, we hear the theme song from Dawson's Creek. / voice-over:

"For 15 long years, audience members have wondered if these two would ever get together. Well, tonight the wait is over. A Valentine's Day snowstorm leaves them stranded in the theater, and we finally learn if they'll have sex." (Dave and Jude Brennan in the green room) "No givling way," Jude exclaims.

2/15/08 [2874]: (For the record: Paul Shaffer is wearing a red and black plaid jacket tonight.) ••• Those rascally Germans got the bright idea that for Valentine's Day they'd offer a naked flight. / video:

"Thank you for choosing us for your nude flying needs. Please note that the following are prohibited:

• suggestive references to the cockpit,
• remarks about putting anything other than your tray table in the upright and locked position,
• asking female passengers if you may use their flotation devices,
• asking flight attendants for help with your sack of nuts, and
• bragging that you got past security with a tool longer than seven inches.

Thank you, and enjoy your flight."

2/18/08 [2875]: desk chat: Dave complains that someone threw a microphone at him during the audience questions. There were some tense moments, as it bounced off his femur! ••• Dave's worried about the tainted beef. He shows us one of those sealed packages of ground beef with a pocket comb stuck right in the meat. ••• Barbara Gaines comes over with a blue card to notify Dave that footage of the microphone accident is available. Dave asks her to take a bow. ••• video: clip of Dave being hit by the microphone / Guess what? He got hit because he was twirling the mic by its cord. Close examination of the clip reveals that Dave was hit in the fibula... not the femur. ••• [interruption: We enjoy a few bars from a peppy little song. (Edit): I dug into iTunes and thought it was "The Hammerlock," from the album "Gravy" by the Shrunken Heads. The minute I posted this, I got taken to school. Mr. Tony Calguire of The Internet informed me it was "The Crusher," by The Novas. Then Michael Z. McIntee included the lyrics in the Feb. 18 Wahoo Gazette. The song I found was similar, but wrong. So there you have it.] ••• "A Presidential Minute" / video:

"In 1814, President James Madison came down with consumption, rendering him temporarily unable to fulfill his duties. Due to a little-known provision of the Constitution that was later remedied, the Presidency went to his dog, Rusty, who ably served as Commander-in-Chief for nearly three months. This has been 'A Presidential Minute.' "

"He protected the power of the divine. He saved the cradle of civilization. He triumphed over the armies of evil. Now, Indiana Jones faces his toughest task yet: finding the centuries-old skull that holds the key to our very existence." (clip of Larry King: "Reno, Nevada. Hello.") "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. In theaters May 22nd."

2/19/08 [2876]: 143,000 million pounds of tainted beef was recalled this week by the USDA. / Dave shows how bad it's gotten. The picture on a can of Chef Boyardee® Beef Ravioli has the chef passed out (or possibly dead... he's horizontal, regardless). ••• interruption: "The Crusher" by The Novas ••• A spy satellite with tons of toxic fuel is going to be shot out of space before it crashes. We have a simulation from the Air Force: Aegis Ballistic Missile Defense System Test: The missile misses the spacecraft by a couple of feet and vaporizes the moon. ••• "It'll all be alright," Dave says. / video:

"A malfunctioning U.S. spy satellite will soon fall to earth. In order to prevent possible damage or injury on the ground, the federal government will safely shoot it down." (photo of the Vice-President) "Dick Cheney: Locked and Loaded." / Cut to writer Bill Scheft at Late Show headquarters, gnawing on a burger, who says, "Hi! I'm Late Show writer Bill Scheft. I'm sorry about that extremely old, tired Dick Cheney reference. My judgment was impaired when I ate some bad beef. Recalled beef: the hot, new comedy reference. Watch for it." (voice-over) "This message has been sponsored by the League of Women Voters."

2/20/08 [2877]: cold open: Dave and Jude / Jude reads about the spy satellite that was shot down tonight. Dave hollers and runs out. ••• Fidel Castro retired yesterday. His brother's in charge of the dictating now. / on the phone: Raul Castro: "Set your phasers to fun." ••• 143,000 million pounds of tainted beef was recalled this week. Many restaurants are trying to distance themselves from the tainted beef. / video:

"This week the government issued a recall on 143 million pounds of beef. So if you're feeling hungry but want to avoid tainted beef, come to the Hello Deli, for a wonderland of tainted meats to choose from. We've got tainted chicken, tainted pork, tainted fish, tainted lamb. We've even got tainted whatever-the-hell-this-thing-is." (picture of an adorable lemur on a branch) "We don't know where it came from, but your kids are sure to love it. The Hello Deli: No rules. Just tainted meat."

"Hillary Clinton's losing streak has now hit 10. Welcome to the club." (New York Knicks logo) "A Message from the New York Knicks."

"John McCain would like to extend his sincerest thanks to former President George H. W. Bush for his endorsement on Monday. Senator McCain would also like to say thanks for the other endorsement he received that day, from professional wrestling legend Wladek 'Killer' Kowalski." (picture of Barbara Bush) "Killer Kowalski: Doing the hammerlock forever."

2/21/08 [2878]: [Ashley from Chicago plays "Know Your Athletes Accused of Taking Steroids." / Stephanie Birkitt delivers dinner certificates. / Mark Guthrie from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your Tainted Meat." / Kristen from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your Current Events."] ••• Dave tries doing some hand shadows. ••• New Cuban dictator Raul Castro is on the phone. / audio:

"Hi, everybody. It's me, Raul, the brother of America's favorite Commie! Remember, this Sunday in Hollywood, Oscar is king," he reminds us. (dial tone)

2/22/08 [2879]: hanging around backstage: Victoria Shaffer (14) and her friend, Lorena (Apparently Lorena's a fan of tonight's guest, Diddy.) (Dave announced Victoria's birth on Late Night on April 7, 1993.) ••• There's a movie about a high school kid who has power to teleport himself by jumping. / video:

"David Rice has the amazing ability to teleport anywhere in the world. Now he finds himself hunted by a deadly enemy who forces him to teleport to a place no man should ever go." (clip from The View) "Jumper: Now playing."

"Thank you for choosing us for your nude flying needs. Please note that the following are prohibited:

• suggestive references to the cockpit,
• remarks about putting anything other than your tray table in the upright and locked position,
• asking female passengers if you may use their flotation devices,
• asking flight attendants for help with your sack of nuts,
• bragging that you got past security with a tool longer than seven inches.

Thank you, and enjoy your flight."

2/25/08 [2880]: desk chat: Dave refers to an audience guy's pre-show question, "What's the deal with Worldwide Pants?" ••• [audio FX: "The Crusher" by The Novas (many more to come tonight)] ••• All the acting Oscars went to non-Americans last night. Here we see Mr. Osama bin Laden with his acceptance speech:

"I'm sorry I can't be there to accept this award in person, but I'm on location in Kabul filming a romantic comedy with Muqtada al-Sadr and Debra Messing. Anyway, I'd like to thank three of my five wives, my friend and partner Ayman al-Zawahiri for always believing in me, my fabulous director, Norman Jewison..." (Fade in hurry-up music.) "Oh, crap! Don't play me off yet! And Hal Holbrook. You deserve this award more than I do, Hal. God bless you all, and death to America."

"Hi, everybody! It's me, Raul, your friendly neighbor to the south. Don't miss Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro. It's a comedy three-pointer." (dial tone)

(clip of Gary Busey kissing Jennifer Garner) / voice-over: "Hung over this morning? Excedrin® can help. Excedrin®: What's the alternative? Not drinking?"

2/26/08 [2881]: Ray Benson sitting in with the CBSO ••• Diet Coke® had a contest to win Heidi Klum's Oscars dress, and we have the winner with us tonight: Shecky comes out in a dress. It was just as creepy as you're imagining. ••• It's been announced that Southern Methodist University will host the George W. Bush Presidential Library. / video:

"Southern Methodist University is proud to announce they have been named as the future home of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The state-of-the-art facility will house a public policy institute, artifacts from President Bush's childhood and a library containing President Bush's favorite books." (picture of three books) "Southern Methodist University: Go for the gusto."

We hear Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, reporting birds and monkeys all over the place. Then we hear the "real" Raul: "Hi, everybody. It's me, Raul. Guess what? Everybody gets a free cigar! For a complete wrap-up of this year's Academy Awards fashion hit and misses, visit my blog at redcarpetraul.com." (dial tone)

2/27/08 [2882]: Barack Obama told Entertainment Tonight yesterday that he'd like Will Smith to play him in a movie. / video:

"In a recent interview, Barack Obama said that the actor who could best portray him onscreen is Will Smith. Similarly, when John McCain was asked who would be best-suitted to portray him in a movie, the Senator said a 150-year-old Galapagos tortoise." (split screen of the Senator and a turtle) "John McCain: He is old."

"Despite recent ominous financial reports and dismal economic indicators, President Bush would like to make it clear to all Americans that the United States is merely in a slowdown, not a recession. Just like the situation in Iraq is a setback, not a defeat. And just like he is a moron, not an idiot. George W. Bush: Only 327 days left."

2/28/08 [2883]: There's been ongoing speculation on whether Mayor Michael Bloomberg would run for President. / video:

"After much deliberation, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided not to run for President of the United States. While America is clearly ready for its first woman President or its first African American President, it is unfortunately not ready for its first President who is so cute you just want to put him in your pocket and take him home." (photo of the Mayor) "Michael Bloomberg: Who's cute? You are! Yes, you are!"

"My fellow Americans, I pose this simple question to you. Are you better off now than when this disappointing show began?"

As we hear Dvorak's Symphony No. 9 in E Minor, Op. 95 "From the New World": III. Scherzo, we see the dictator's hair swaying in rhythm with the music.

"Are you a college student interested in a career in politics? Then apply to be a summer intern position at Senator Larry Craig's office. Applicants must have a GPA of 3.5 or higher, be proficient in Microsoft Excel® and Powerpoint®..." (photos of male models) "have a distinguished brow, firm-set jaw, strong but knowing hands, brown, rippling biceps, abs sculpted and toned to perfection, and flowing, flaxen hair, cascading gently over broad, tanned, sinewy shoulders. The Larry Craig Congressional Internship. Gain hands-on experience from the Senator."

"If you want my Snickerdoodle recipe, go to hillaryclinton.com right now."

"My fellow Americans, we must save Social Security, because we have no more precious resource than our elderly people... like Dave."

2/29/08 [2884]: desk chat: Dave shows a note from the producers: "Don't vomit." Paul wonders if he's "feeling fluish." ••• An audience man gets a dinner certificate because he claims it's his birthday. ••• It's February 29, to keep the calendar synchronized. / video:

"Because it's a leap year, there's an extra day in the month of February. Unfortunately, this extra day means an extra 24 hours with this guy." (video of George W. Bush on the White House lawn, spitting out gum) "A message from the White House. We're sorry."

"Many people are asking Ralph Nader why he's running for President. The answer is simple. He's running because he believes our two-party system is outdated. He's running because he wants to see real change in America. And he's running because he's hoping to get some of that hot lobbyist sex like McCain. It doesn't matter if you're blonde or brunette, young or old, liberal or conservative. He'll even consider a dude at this point. Ralph Nader: Nadering it up since 1934."

"John McCain knows many Americans worry that he's too old to be President. Rest assured that Senator McCain is in vigorous good health, but in the event of a problem, he'll hand over power to his younger brother, Raul McCain. McCain: Viva El Presidente."

3/03/08: REPEAT FROM 2/07/08

3/04/08: REPEAT FROM 2/08/08

3/05/08: REPEAT FROM 1/10/08

3/06/08: REPEAT FROM 1/15/08

3/07/08: REPEAT FROM 1/07/08

3/10/08 [2885]: The Governor of New York was accused today of involvement with a prostitution ring. / on the phone: Eliot Spitzer (who sounds like Fidel's brother, Raul) says,

"Hi, everybody. It's me, the Love Gov. I just want everyone to know everything's just fine, and I look forward to continuing to whore it up in Albany."

"In order to properly assign delegates, some Democrats want to restage the Florida and Michigan primaries. If we're going to redo elections, how about all 50 states hold the 2004 Presidential election again?" (picture of George W. Bush spitting on the White House lawn) "A message from everyone."

"The snow has been coming down at a fairly steady clip for about an hour and a half now. Take a look over here on the roadway. Just in the last half hour or so, the flakes have begun to stick on the ass _ _ _ _ ... uh, asphalt."

3/11/08 [2886]: desk chat: Dave has a lengthy rant about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitution problem. It seems that Gov. Spitzer was transferring so much money to prostitutes that bank reporting laws kicked in. He was caught in a wiretap, because the government thought he might be the victim of extortion. ••• Dave announces that once again, the CBS Orchestra was the house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, with Paul Shaffer as musical director. ••• "Heidi Fleiss Always a Lady" (Heidi being interviewed by ABC News) ••• Lost is always playing tricks on you. / video: A man opens a wall safe and removes a videotape labeled "Red Sox." It's actually a Regis Philbin exercise tape. ••• A scalper, in dark clothing and a stocking cap, appears in front of the backdrop, getting Dave's attention. "Dude," he says, "Snoop Dogg. Row C." Dave declines the tickets, as Mr. Dogg will be appearing on his very own program in about 45 minutes. Always prepared with the latest in ticket needs, the man says, "Spitzer resignation." Dave bites on that offer. As he begins to complete the illicit transaction, the ever-alert scalper hollers, "Heat," and scampers away. (The scalper, as always, was portrayed by Michael Z. McIntee.) ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 2. William J. Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 3. George W. Bush: "What you probably want to know is the three words I'm not gonna tell you. (The President raises his right hand and counts with his fingers to five, while saying "I'm _ not _ going _ to_ tell _ you." (buzzer sound) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows a copy of a New York Times headline: "Resignation of Spitzer not likely today. State in limbo." ••• Top Ten Messages Left on Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine ••• Martha Stewart plugs Martha. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Wednesday on the Late Show ••• desk chat: Dave says Governor Spitzer is set to resign on Wednesday. ••• Snoop Dogg interview ••• Snoop Dogg sings.

3/12/08 [2887]: desk chat: Dave announces that Harry went to a birthday party today, where he won Simon Says. ••• It's just been learned that there are traces of drugs in New York City drinking water. / video:

"A recent investigation found that New York's water supply contains trace amounts of at least 15 pharmaceutical drugs, including Amoxicillin, Tetracycline and Viagra. Viagra: the fuel that keeps the Spitzer spitzin'!"

"By degree of Pope Benedict XVI, the following shall be considered new violations of God's law: circumventing basic rights of human nature through genetic manipulation, the use of drugs that weaken the mind and cloud intelligence, the imbalance between the rich and the poor, and skipping Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster®. It only happens once a year. Don't miss it. Tell them Benedict sent you to receive a complimentary Garlic Shrimp Scampy. This has been a Vatican Sin Update."

"In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperor's Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name Client 9. But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 4½, if you know what I'm saying. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whorefiend."

3/13/08 [2888]: desk chat: Dave talks about pre-show pants problems and his negotiations with Sue Hum. ••• Today, one day before his 60^th birthday, Billy Crystal, who signed to a one-day contract with the New York Yankees, got to the plate as a designated hitter. / video of Billy playing outfield: An unknown player runs through a wall. ••• Dave shows a brand new version of the $5 bill. There's a new security feature. Dave squeezes ketchup from the bill. ••• American Idol has a fancy new set. / video: Ryan Seacrest is vaporized. ••• Dave says it's nice not to have a governor named Spitzer anymore. You can't take a prostitute across a state line. Spitzer put them on Amtrak. / video:

"Of all the mistakes allegedly made by Eliot Spitzer, the biggest one was that he bought train tickets to transport prostitutes between New York City and Washington, D. C., when he could have saved big money by going Greyhound. Why pay Amtrak hundreds of dollars when Greyhound's Hooker Express™ offers fares as low as $35? We'll get your hooker to you in comfort and style. And, with the money you save, you can treat yourself to even more dirty whore sex. Plus, for a limited time only, when you buy your hooker a regular-priced ticket, pimps ride free. Greyhound: Leave the whore driving to us."

3/14/08 [2889]: Drugs have been found in New York City's tap water. / video:

"Much of America's tap water has been found to contain drugs such as Ibuprofen, Naproxen, Carbamazepine, Monensin and Sulfmethoxazole. Thanks, dude. Amy Winehouse: Leadership America can trust."

"Coming up next on Action News, you'll hear the amazing story of an area blind man and his seeing eye dog, who both shot a hole-in-one on the same round of golf. That's coming up on Action News Fouuurrrr!"

"John McCain has secured the Republican Presidential nomination, and is now considering a running mate. No decision has been made yet, but voters can rest assured that his pick will encompass the wisdom of his former colleague, William Jennings Bryan, the experience of his mentor, Woodrow Wilson, and the brilliance of his late friend, Thomas Edison. John McCain: He's very old."

"New York City... home of the world's finest restaurants, theaters and sightseeing attractions. There's just one thing it's been missing... until now... the Dave Store." (video from the new store) "Here at the Dave Store, you'll find a wonderland of merchandise inspired by America's seventh-favorite late night talk show host, from hats and shirts to meat and firearms. Plus, in our makeover booth, we can even make you look like Dave." (terrifying shots of young boys who look like Dave) "The Dave Store. It's all inside."

3/17/08 [2890]: desk chat: Dave was changing clothes upstairs before the big show, and he discovered a tick on his person. "It was the size of my fist," Dave reports. Make-up artist Michele O'Callaghan volunteered to either remove the varmint or put a little powder on it. Eventually Dave displays the deceased tick, which appears to be approximately 3/16". ••• Dave shows his Emperors Club membership card. (The Emperors Club is the whorehouse that got Governor Spitzer in so much trouble last week.) / Dave says if you fly American Airlines using the card, you'll get extra whorepoints. ••• "Today's Secret Ingredient": peanuts! ••• John McCain is in Iraq today. Some say the trip is for political advantage. / video:

"Many pundits say John McCain's visit to Iraq is an attempt to boost his foreign policy credentials before the election. Other say he's trying to get a headstart on his Presidency. But once again, the cynics are wrong. The aging Senator simply got confused at the airport, and accidentally boarded the wrong plane while embarking on a vacation to Branson, Missouri. John McCain: He is old."

"Last week, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer announced his resignation after being caught patronizing a prostitution ring. Now it has been revealed that former New Jersey Governor, Jim McGreevey, and his wife had three-ways with a former aide. In light of all these shocking sexual scandals, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell would like his constituents to know that he freely and openly nails staffers, interns, whores, dudes, transvestite whores with elderly... you name it. Ed Rendell: He's into some freaky _ _ _ _, too."

"In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperor's Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name Client 9. But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 4½, if you know what I'm saying. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whorefiend."

3/18/08 [2891]: desk chat: Dave has a few more comments on yesterday's tick situation. Only part of the tick was removed, so Dave had to do last night's show with the living head of a tick in him. Dr. Louis J. Aronne rushed over after the show, and he removed the remaining tick parts. ••• It's tax time. Dave shows the New York state tax form. We focus on item #5: Income earned by having sex with the Governor. ••• "Today's Secret Ingredient": spinach! ••• John McCain has been in Iraq this week. Osama bin Laden has a few "he's so old" jokes at the Senator's expense. / video:

"Al-Qaeda denounces the visit to Iraq by the evil crusader, John McCain. Also, McCain is so old, when he was in school there was no history class. McCain is so old he took his driver's test on a dinosaur. McCain is so old, his Social Security number is 1."

3/19/08 [2892]: "Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night": ex-Governor Spitzer and McGreevey jokes ••• "Today's Secret Ingredient": ham! ••• interruption: camera trouble again / Legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett's been drinking beer. He thinks it's St. Patrick's Day. ••• New York City tap water has traces of prescription drugs. Everybody tries to cash in on news stories like this. Dave shows a bottle of Poland Spring® water with the label, "Now with Prozac and Lipitor." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 3. George W. Bush: "They want us to leave. That's what they want us to do. And I think the world would be better off if we did leave. If we didn't... if if if. If we left, the world would be worse." ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Julia Child died because she couldn't get the child-proof cap off her bottle of medication. 2. Hall's® briefly marketed a six-foot-long throat lozenge for giraffes. 3. Kraft® scientists have spent 30 years trying to make aerosol Swiss cheese with holes. 4. Due to an engraving error, all nickels produced in 1954 read "In Todd we trust."] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of "Battlestar Galactica" (presented onstage by Chief Petty Officer Galen Tyrol, D'Anna Biers, Dr. Gaius Baltar, Lt. Sharon Valerii, Number Six, Colonel Saul Tigh, Captain Lee "Apollo" Adama, Captain Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, President Laura Roslin and Admiral William Adama) ••• Brooke Shields plugs Lipstick Jungle. ••• The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow, and Alan Kalter has requested a bit of airtime to express his thoughts on the matter. It seems that he's had a fair amount of trouble with Mrs. Kalter getting friendly with various professional basketball players. Alan takes a walk after his rant. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show" ••• Seth Meyers plugs Saturday Night Live ••• The Gutter Twins sing.

3/20/08: REPEAT FROM 2/06/08

3/21/08: REPEAT FROM 2/22/08

3/24/08 [2893]: cold open: Dave is filling out his NCAA men's basketball tournament bracket. He says, "I feel like I have March Madness," and wonders if Jude has it. Jude says, "I deal with a crazy man every day." ••• desk chat: Dave's still stewing about the tick he discovered on his back on March 17. In his pre-show visit, Dave asked audience members about tick fever. An audience lady had a tick once. Her doctor informed her it was menopause. ••• New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has endorsed Barack Obama. / video:

"Former Presidential candidate Bill Richardson is endorsing Senator Barack Obama for President. While Hillary Clinton is a fine candidate, Bill Richardson admires Senator Obama's vision, his communication skills and his inspiring energy. Also, Obama offered cookies, cake, pie and caramel corn. Bill Richardson: The fat one who dropped out."

"We will bring vengeance on the infidel Europeans, who continue to publish blasphemous cartoons offending our faith. Also, al-Qaeda demands an end to the comic strip Garfield. Garfield is lazy and likes lasagna. OK... we get it. Enough. Death to America, and go Villanova!"

"Tonight on CBS, things kick off when Britney Spears visits the gang on How I Met Your Mother. Then, on Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen goes whoring with Eliot Spitzer. CBS: Be there!"

3/25/08 [2894]: desk chat: Dave's still stewing about tick fever after his March 17 tick incident. He's learned that there may be no symptoms until death ensues. At this point he doesn't have the bullseye rash. The North American viewing public remains hopeful for Dave's survival. ••• HBO has a blockbuster miniseries on John Adams, which gave the Late Show the idea for "What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?" / video:

"July 4, 1776... Philadelphia. A glorious day, which saw the brave sons of liberty sign the Declaration of Independence. When it was George W. Bush's turn to sign, he instead stuck a bunch of plumes in his hair and ran around screaming, 'Look at me. I'm Chicken Boy.' This has been 'What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?' "

"In Florida, a 93-year-old man was busted for soliciting a hooker. The sex fiend was instantly named Governor of New York. New York: Whoreville, USA."

3/26/08 [2895]: HBO has a great show on John Adams. It got us to thinking about what if George W. Bush had been a founding father. / video:

"August 7, 1787. Philadelphia. During today's session of the Constitutional Convention, George W. Bush mistook his powdered wig for a kitty. He proceeded to stroke it, kiss it and announced to his shocked compatriots he was naming it 'Maxine.' This has been 'What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?' "

"In January, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson withdrew from the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. But now, after two months of intensive soul searching, he is ready to make a stunning announcement to the American people: 'I just realized that I am fat.' " (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") "Bill Richardson: He is fat."

3/27/08: REPEAT FROM 1/31/08

3/28/08: REPEAT FROM 2/15/08

3/31/08 [2896]: desk chat: The pre-show chat didn't go well this evening. Dave referred to a gentleman's son as his daughter. ••• Jose Canseco's on tonight to talk about 'roids in baseball. Dave shows his "before" and "after" 'roids pictures. ••• Since Raul Castro took over for Fidel, he has loosened things up a bit. / video:

"Attention citizens of Cuba: President Raul Castro is pleased to announce an end to some excessive restrictions that have long been imposed upon you. First, Cubans may now purchase computers, DVD players and cell phones. Second, Cubans may now stay in resort hotels that were previously reserved exclusively for foreigners. And third, every Thursday is now Cuban 'sandwich' night at Raul's place. Please... no hombres. Raul Castro: Let's do this thing."

"Hillary Clinton says she 'misremembered' being under sniper fire during a 1996 trip to Bosnia, and acknowledges that she 'misspoke' when describing the danger involved. But unlike Hillary, there is one Presidential candidate who doesn't have to exaggerate the risks he has taken in going to some of the most dangerous, violent and horrifying places known to man." (clip from The View) "Barack Obama: To hell and back."

4/01/08 [2897]: monologue: Dave tells one too many John McCain "he's so old" jokes, and the Senator comes out to toss a few Dave's way. (I call it a draw.) ••• The Yankees were going to open yesterday. Nope. Rained out. Guess what happened today. / video: That's right. A giant, fire-breathing mutant turtle has set up housekeeping right by the stadium. ••• glass-breaking FX: a Tarzan yell ••• "A Word from Fixodent®" (with Alan Kalter) ••• Kathie Lee Gifford's returning to television on a little-known fourth hour of the Today show. / video:

"Have you checked out the fourth hour of the Today show yet? Now you have more reason than ever to tune in, because we've just hired Kathie Lee Gifford to host! No, seriously... this isn't an April Fool's Day joke. The Today show: Completely bat**** crazy."

4/02/08 [2898]: desk chat: As the owner of a pants company, Dave has certain expectations about his pants. When getting suited up for tonight's episode, he realized his britches were much too tight, somewhere or other. He thought he could hold his tummy in for an hour, and that would be it. When he got in the make-up chair, a button shot off the pants and killed an intern. ••• When you're running for office, you do things to prove you're a regular guy. Barack Obama went bowling the other day. He got a 37. / "Bowling: the Sport of Presidents" / video:

"Through the years, bowling has proved to be one of the most popular sports among American Presidents. From Richard Nixon, who installed a bowling lane at the White House to Bill Clinton, who organized the White House's first all-nude bowling night." (voice-over: "Normally, this is where we'd cut to hilarious footage of naked people bowling. Unfortunately, Late Show coordinating producer Kathy Mavrikakis won't let us use the footage, so instead please enjoy this video of naked people playing tennis.") "This has been 'Bowling: the Sport of Presidents.' "

4/03/08 [2899]: roof cam: Pat Farmer, Tom Richards and Eddie (all in Yankees uniforms) are going to drop 500 baseballs on a red Cadillac 90 feet below to observe the beginning of the baseball season. Pat drops one ball for now. ••• desk chat: Oprah's good friend, Gayle King, will be on tonight. They've been friends for 35 years. Dave has his best friend, Joe, up in the office. Joe is seated comfortably, with his hands folded, and is unresponsive to Dave's attempts to visit for a moment. He seems to be deeply troubled, or possibly deaf. ••• Bubba Clinton is upset that Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico endorsed Barack Obama. / detour: Dave takes a moment to show off his new, old black dial desk phone. / the Governor on the phone: nothing but eating noises and grunts ••• Dave takes a moment to call for the number for Gunsmoke. He's just foolin'. ••• One of the big topics in the Presidential campaign has been who's best prepared to take a call about a crisis. / video:

"It's 3 A.M. and your children are sleeping. Suddenly a phone rings in the White House. How can you be sure that Hillary Clinton will be ready to answer that call? Because if she's elected President, she promises to stay awake 24 hours a day, 365 days per year, thanks to a steady diet of expresso, Red Bull® and some crazy Dutch amphetamines she got from Amy Winehouse. Hillary Clinton: No sleep til 2017."

4/04/08 [2900]: Hillary Clinton claimed that in 1996 she and Chelsea dodged sniper fire in Tuzla, Bosnia. Now the McCain people have gotten a hold of this. / video: doctored Civil War footage with Sen. McCain ••• interruption: The intercom on the wall is buzzing. Dave steps over to answer it. Whoever's on the other end can't be understood, but Dave invites him up, anyway. ••• video: "CNN Highlight of the Night" from Larry King Live: Recovering sex addict Caveh Zahedi, writer and director of I Am a Sex Addict, is seen onscreen, but he just sits there and blinks. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "Where's the rally monkey?" ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. Tom Arnold has had the most appearances on the cover of Time magazine, at 26. 2. Because of global warming, the National Hockey League will shrink to eight teams next year. 3. If there is no doorbell, a Jehovah's Witness will stand in front of a house yelling "bing bong, bing bong, bing bong." 4. Native Americans gave us popcorn. The fake butter crap was our idea. 5. It takes 28 muscles to drop your pants and fire a rocket.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat ••• Ellen Pompeo plugs Grey's Anatomy. ••• ["Will It Float?" / Dave shows the home game. / Alan Kalter (TV's Singing Chef) says we're testing a handheld back massager. It's plastic, with a cord, and has gel grips. / We're playing for his and her bicycles. / Dave immediately says float. It's something about the gel grips. Paul says sink. / Anna Jack's on hula hoops. Kiva Kahl is on grinder. Andrea Sande and Ruté have float tank duty. / Hold everything! The minute Dave gets a look at the gadget, he changes his prediction to sink. (It's OK, since the thing hadn't hit the H₂O yet.) / It sinks! / after commercial: Dave reads an e-mail from Jim Vetting, CEO of the HoMedics QuadAction Percussion Massager company: "Mr. Letterman, How dare you describe our massager as low-quality? Although, if anyone knows about low quality, it's you, fat boy!"] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige interview / sing

4/07/08: REPEAT FROM 1/17/08

4/08/08: REPEAT FROM 2/27/08

4/09/08: REPEAT FROM 2/25/08

4/10/08: REPEAT FROM 3/10/08

4/11/08: REPEAT FROM 2/21/08

4/14/08 [2901]: desk chat: Dave and family made a trip to Paris last week, and guess what? He got to go to an opera. He has a lengthy review of some man dressed up as a woman. We're not left with the impression that Dave will return to the opera anytime soon. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Once again, we're experiencing camera difficulties. Dave takes a moment to ask legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett what on earth's going on this time. We see Dorsett at a desk. His taxes are due tomorrow. ••• Top Ten Ways Trevor Immerman's Life Has Changed Since Winning the Masters (presented onstage by Trevor Immerman) ••• Al Pacino plugs 88 Minutes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• David Wright of the New York Mets ••• Dave pitches to David Wright on 53rd St. (The city will no longer give permission to use regular baseballs for these demos, so they use a softer version, in hopes that not so many windows will be broken.)

4/15/08 [2902]: Pope Benedict XVI will be at Yankee Stadium in New York. Everybody in the U. S. is excited about the Pope. Everyone in Rome is excited, too. / video:

"This week, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI will make a historic trip to the United States, but Vatican City residents can rest easy during the pope's absence, because he's left a stellar lineup of guest popes to fill in for him while he's away, including Burt Reynolds on Tuesday, John Davidson on Wednesday, David Brenner on Thursday and Willie Tyler and Lester on Friday. Vatican City: America's Late Night Leader."

4/16/08 [2903]: desk chat: Dave has a bit of a concern over tonight's pre-show questions. A lady in the audience wanted to know about last night's Top Ten list. Eventually he has Tony Mendez deliver a printed copy. ••• The last two years haven't been good for the New York Knicks. Isiah Thomas has been replaced as general manager, but he'll continue as the coach. / video:

"Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career": "On April 23, 2007, in a game against the Boston Celtics, Isiah Thomas looked quite sharp in his charcoal gray suit, and purple and black striped necktie. This has been 'Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career.' "

(We see our old friend, Gerard Mulligan, in one of those ruffly, ridiculous-looking outfits from that era. He is visiting with Chris Elliott, as John Adams, in regard to his outfit. Mr. Elliott appears on camera with long, blonde pigtails, wearing a dress that might best be described as orange. It's really quite an unpleasant image.) "I'm a little girl," he explains.

4/17/08 [2904]: desk chat: Dave got a little wake-up call today. Some staffers got Jamba Juice® today. He thinks the stuff is really good. It's so good that you want a second one. Halfway through the second one, you feel sick. Dave's confidante and aide, Mary "Skeeter" Barclay says he can't have any, because the sugar makes him angry. ••• glass-breaking FX: Tarzan yell ••• Dave sees himself in a monitor. He tells Paul, "You know, I've started to notice this about my hair... I'm at an age when my hair is starting to comb itself over." ••• Barack Obama is using student volunteers in his campaign. To show his thanks, he plays basketball with them. John McCain has a similar program. / video:

"To reward young people for getting involved in politics, Barack Obama held a contest that will give two student volunteers the chance to play basketball with him. Not to be outdone, John McCain is holding a similar contest, in which two of his student volunteers will win the chance to come over to his house and trim his ear hair. John McCain: Old N' Hairy."

4/18/08 [2905]: desk chat: Pope Benedict XVI is visiting New York City. Wherever the Pope goes, people expect a miracle. Sometimes it's not as big a miracle as you were hoping. Dave shows a grilled cheese sandwich from Hello Deli with the clear image of Dr. Phil McGraw on one side. ••• The New York Knicks have had a couple of years of mediocre basketball. Isiah Thomas has been fired as manager, but he's lobbying to continue as the coach. He's put together a video: "Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career"

"On February 11, 2008, under the brilliant leadership of Isiah Thomas, the Knicks came within 14 points of beating the Atlanta Hawks. This has been 'Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career.' "

We see our old friend Chris Elliott, as President Adams, tucked in bed, spectacles on the end of his nose, writing by candlelight to Ma Adams with a feather pen in old-time, formal prose. The President tires, sets aside his letter and blows out his candle. Or not. He tries, again and again, nine times in total, to extinguish the thing. Frustrated, he gives the wall a smack and yells next door, "OK. Real ****ing funny, Franklin, you bald-headed bastard. Thanks a lot!"

"During the seven-day holiday known as Passover, Jews refrain from eating bread to commemorate Moses losing 19 pounds on a low-carb diet. This has been 'Let's Learn About Passover.' "

4/21/08 [2906]: "John McCain looks like the kind of guy" jokes ••• desk chat: T-Ball started for Harry on Saturday. His uniform number is #4. Dave irritated the coach when he asked if a weekend off wouldn't cause the kids to lose their competitive edge. ••• Pope Benedict XVI held a mass at Yankee Stadium. / video:

"Yesterday Pope Benedict gave communion to over 57,000 people at on open-air mass. But what made the event even more memorable was he replaced boring old communal wafers with delicious Blazin' Buffalo Wing Pringles®. Just listen to what the Pope says about the snack chip with attitude: 'This new Pringles® flavor is kicking with the Buffalo Sauce. So buckle up and get ready for a blazin' ride, partner.' Everything Pops with Pringles® and Pope Benedict."

"Contrary to popular belief, a new study has found that people get happier as they got older. Scientists observed that research subjects in their sixties were substantially happier than those in their fifties. People in their seventies were happier than those in their sixties. And by far the happiest people they observed were dead people." (photos of famous dead guys Richard M. Nixon, Col. Harland Sanders, Sammy Davis, Jr. and Telly Savalas) "A message from the American Association of Dead Persons (and people like you)."

4/22/08 [2907]: desk chat: Because of a pre-show audience question, Dave brings up his attempts in 2002 to have the I-465 loop around Indianapolis named the David Letterman Bypass. Actually, in 2002 he was calling for it to be named the David Letterman Expressway. He's promoting Bypass now because of his bypasses in 2000. Dave even offered to pay for the signs. Instead of calling it by its full name, natives would refer to taking the "Dave." No luck. They named it for Indiana Senator Richard Lugar. Now they're stuck with calling the bypass the "Dick." ••• Last week the head of the Associated Press referred to Osama as Obama bin Laden. / "Obama vs. Osama" / video:

"Barack Obama was the first African American president of the Harvard Law Review. Osama bin Laden funneled money to the Mujahideen during the Afghan war. Barack Obama is the frontrunner for his party's nomination for President. Osama bin Laden is the founder of the jihadist organization known as al-Qaeda. Barack Obama loves mini-egg rolls, Popsickles® and Lost. Well, so does Osama. This has been 'Obama vs. Osama.' "

"So... you're marrying a Bush daughter. Congratulations. You're joining the greatest political family since the Kuciniches! Here are some tips that will allow you to fit in. Barbara Bush is proud of her latest diet, so make sure to compliment her figure. When making small talk with the President, try to avoid any areas that might annoy or depress him, such as Iraq, the economy, his failure to catch Osama, the environment, the anemic approval rating, Iran's burgeoning nuclear weapons program, North Korea's burgeoning nuclear weapons program and his general stupidity. Finally, don't get your hopes up for a wild wedding night, because unfortunately, Jenna has gotten all her honeymoon tips from Condoleezza. The Bush Family: When it comes to failure, we're a dynasty."

4/23/08 [2908]: desk chat: Apparently Paul Shaffer had something unpleasant to say about Thunder Bay, Ontario during the preshow questions. ••• On American Idol, contestants had to do songs by Andrew Lloyd Webber. / interruption: Dave sings his "Midnight, and the Kitties are Sleeping" song. / Anyway, something crazy happened during the episode. Paula Abdul's noggin 'sploded! ••• glass-breaking FX: "Let Daddy drive you home." ••• HBO has a great miniseries about John Adams. Dave finds it compelling. / video: Part 52 - "On History's Doorstep": Chris Elliott, as John Adams, is looking at a tape of the miniseries, saying "That's the guy they got to play me?" ••• FX: "My pants are full of smoke." ••• interruption: Dave's new (old) black dial phone rings. It's a booty call. ••• more John Adams / video: Part 62: "Treaty of Mortefontaine": It's a PC vs. Mac ad (with Chris and Gerard Mulligan). ••• FX: "Stop the music! Stop the music!" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "Yeah. Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. We had a great... we had a good meeting, uh, because we're good friends." ••• Mrs. Patrick's third grade class from Woodrow Wilson Elementary School in Newburgh, New York has sent in pictures for "If I Were President." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Improve His Approval Rating ••• racing legend Danica Patrick ••• Johnny Dark, as Abe Lincoln, heckles Dave and does stand-up while seated in the balcony. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show": "Make your TiVo happy. Record this show now." ••• Keith Olbermann ••• Tokyo Police Club sing.

4/24/08 [2909]: Hillary Clinton won in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. / video:

"After an expensive and bruising campaign, Hillary Clinton won a decisive victory in the Pennsylvania primary. We congratulate Senator Clinton on a well-fought battle, who because delegates are awarded on a proportional basis, netted a grand total of 10 delegates. Wait. All of that for 10 delegates? Oh, Lord, this race is never going to end. The Democratic Party: Make it stop."

"Today on the Rachael Ray Show, Rachael welcomes Leah Remini, who documents her struggle to wean her daughter off her bottle. Find out if Leah wins the battle of the baby bottle. Also, find out how long you can watch before you do this." (video of a TV flying out of a window of the Ed Sullivan Theater) " The Rachael Ray Show: Check your local listings."

4/25/08 [2910]: It's time for another portrait of Biff Henderson. As tradition requires, Dave treats us to a review of the past portraits: tattoo, ice sculpture, Legos®, Dominoes®, cheese, Post-it® notes, bubble gum, ketchup, sidewalk chalk, sand and Etch-a-Sketch®. / Todd Neufeld, an attorney from Brooklyn, is with Biff in the green room. He's going to use 25 to 30 balloons to do a likeness of Biff. ••• Philomena from the audience leaves for Jamba Juice®. ••• [Todd's starting with the hands.] ••• HBO is running a miniseries on John Adams. / "Part 44: The Homefront" / video:

Our friend Chris Elliott, as John Adams, calls to his wife, "Abigail, fetch me a crust of bread and a carafe of fine wine. I've had a frightfully fatiguing day." Gerard Mulligan, as Abigail, appears on camera to reply, "Get it yourself, you pantyhose-wearing load. You think I've been sitting on my ass all day, eating huckleberries?" "OK, alright, alright. Stop busting my balls, you dried-up old hag." (All in the Family credits)

4/28/08 [2911]: There's a worldwide rice shortage, and Dave has been witness to it. In fact, he's brought us show and tell. It's the new product, A Roni®. I'm guessing it's still the San Francisco treat. (As a 25-year fan, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Dave already has an A Roni: Dr. Louis J. Aronne, Staff Physician.) ••• The summer blockbuster movie season is getting underway. The title character of Iron Man will build a flying suit. / video: We see him at work. The finished product? It bears a striking resemblence to Twiki, the robot from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, with Dr. Theopolis hanging from his robot neck. ••• glass-breaking FX: one of those "breaking news" synthesizer tunes ••• Dave believes gas prices are going to hit $10 per gallon by Labor Day. Even now, the elevated price is having an effect in New York City. / outside cam: Digital Media Creative Director Walter Kim, as a civilian, hails a cab. "23rd and 10th," Walter instructs the driver, who we notice is a guy wearing a cardboard cutout of a cab. ••• interruption: As is happening with increasing frequency in this season of the Late Show, Dave's image is out of frame. He notices and lowers his noggin to the desk to speak to legendary cameraman, Dave Dorsett. When questioned, we learn that Grand Theft Auto IV is being released at midnight. He needs to get in line right now. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: "When money goes into... thirty percent increase... in your energy bill." ••• "Small Town News" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Saddam Hussein would be 71 years old today, if he hadn't kicked the bucket. / Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today ••• Gwyneth Paltrow plugs Iron Man. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Richard Lewis ••• The Roots, featuring Chrisette Michele and Wale, sing.

4/29/08 [2912]: desk chat: Dave says he had some kind of accident over the weekend. He thinks he has about a dozen cracked ribs. In the preshow questions, an audience lady reported that she fell off a horse. ••• Once again, Dave brings up the rice shortage that has brought our nation to its knees. Stores and suppliers are setting limits. / video:

"This week Israel has implemented rice rationing. Well, President Bush would like to remind all American men that there's still some rice here at home that's waiting for anyone who wants it." (photo of our Secretary of State, Dr. Condoleezza Rice) "Condoleezza Rice: Be there."

We see an animation of Brett watching the tube, with a partially-eaten animated pizza on the coffee table. His significant other stomps in and hollers, "Brett! Did you clean out the garage?" "Aww, quit ridin' me," he mutters. His animated wife vaporizes him with her laser eyes. Game over.

"Colonel John is a California-based horse who has won four of his last five races. He was sired by Tiznow, the former champion three-year-old. If Colonel John does not win the Kentucky Derby, he will be put down and turned into Chili's® Boneless Shanghai Wings. This has been 'Getting to Know the Kentucky Derby Favorites.' "

4/30/08 [2913]: Hillary Clinton appeared in the first of a two-part interview on The O'Reilly Factor. / video (with voice-over by Alan):

"Tonight on Fox, Bill O'Reilly welcomes Hillary Clinton for the first of a two-part interview. You won't want to miss a single word when Bill welcomes Hillary Clinton." (clip of O'Reilly: "You're a slut!") "The O'Reilly Factor: You've entered the No-Spin Zone."

"Wednesday on Oprah: It's a live television event you'll have to see to believe. David Blaine tries to hold his breath longer than anyone in history, breaking the current record held by Harry Houdini, who hasn't breathed since 1926. Oprah: Check your local listings."

5/01/08 [2914]: desk chat: Dave says a man from Sydney, Australia asked during the preshow questions if Dave socialized with CBS executives. He has quite a laugh over that one. ••• Today is the fifth anniversary of George W. Bush landing on the aircraft carrier Lincoln to announce mission accomplished. / video:

"Today is the fifth anniversary of President George W. Bush's infamous "Mission Accomplished" speech. While we admit this speech was premature, we would like to highlight George W. Bush's other accomplishments." (screen with snow) "The White House. We're going to have to get back to you on this one."

"In a recent study, scientists found that smarter women tend to be worse in bed than women of lesser intelligence. The researchers came to this conclusion after conducting interviews with hundreds of women, asking their partners about their sexual activity, and comparing the Paris Hilton sex tape with the Ruth Bader Ginsberg sex tape." (slide whistle) "A message from the National Slut Council."

"Albert Hofmann, the scientist who first synthesized LSD, has died at the age of 102. He originally intended the drug to be used for therapeutic purposes, but for better or worse, his legacy will live on in the hallucinatory work of musicians, artists and disoriented reality show judges. Hofmann... out!"

5/02/08 [2915]: The Kentucky Derby will be run tomorrow. Dave calls race announcer Dave Johnson to have him say, "and down the stretch they come!" He's been using that exciting phrase since about 1977, and he doesn't like his imitators much. ••• Lost is back on TV. It's wacky and full of surprises. / video:

"Tonight, it's a Lost you'll never forget, when Jack engages in a deadly battle of wits with the evil robot monkey." (picture of a chimpanzee in a spacesuit, holding some kind of sword) "I just made that up, because I have no idea what this show's about. Only on ABC."

"And now your Weather Channel™ PollenCast. No let-up for allergy sufferers today. (achoo!) For the sixth consecutive day, (sniff) the tree pollen count is at record (achoo!) levels. Tomorrow is not looking... (cough cough) Damn... (cough) any better. (achoo! achoo! sniff) Oh, for the love of God, someone, kill me! My eyes are burning. I wish I were dead. (cough) And now a word from (sniff) Anacin®."

"Welcome to Grand Theft Auto IV, the video game that puts you right in the middle of the gritty, streetwise action. You start by noticing that your car has been stolen. You then notify local police, who instruct you to fill out an auto theft report. Make sure you get all the details correct. The next step in your mission is to contact your insurance company. Completing an extremely detailed claim form will require all your skill and concentration. Then you'll meet with claims adjusters, who review your police report and insurance paperwork. If all your documentation is in order, congratulations. You'll receive a check for the replacement cost of your stolen vehicle. Have fun!"

5/05/08 [2916]: after jokes: Dave goes into the audience and gets a magazine from an audience man. ••• It's Magicians Week. Dave goes into a trance. His psychokinetic powers kick in, and before we know it, a Late Show mug is hovering over his desk. (shot of the guy in the rafters, pulling the string) ••• "Great Moments in Magic" / video:

"Although he was considered the greatest escape artist of his time, on April 9, 1895, Harry Houdini could not get out of going antiquing with his wife, Bess. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' "

"In February of 1981, newly-inaugurated Vice-President Bush was granted an audience with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. The meeting took an awkward turn when Prince Philip mistook Barbara Bush for old-time wrestling great, Big Swede Hanson. American Experience will return after these messages."

5/06/08 [2917]: Dave delivers a bottle of water to an audience man. He's from Atlanta, and they're having a drought. ••• It's Magicians Week. Dave has a wand, and he has a trick for us. With a wave of the wand, the control room magically places sparklies on the screen. ••• "Great Moments in Magic" / video:

"For years, magician Harry Kellar delighted crowds by making coins disappear. No one ever knew where the coins went until he died, and the coroner found nine dollars and twenty-three cents in change up Mr. Kellar's ass. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' "

"Thirty-four percent of primary voters said the exits were clearly marked, and easy to use. Sixty-six percent did not bother to respond to our exit poll. We now return you to 'Dave Letterman's Komedy Funhouse."

"Guam is located in, um... in... It's considered part of the United States because, uh, umm. This has been 'Getting to Know Guam.' "

5/07/08 [2918]: "It's so warm" jokes ••• desk chat: Dave talks about gifts to and from audience members. He got a quilt from an aunt of an audience lady, and he gave out countless canned hams. One male fan made a fuss years later, when his unrefrigerated canned ham exploded. ••• "Great Moments in Magic" / video:

"Although he was considered the greatest escape artist of his time, on April 9, 1895, Harry Houdini could not get out of going antiquing with his wife, Bess. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' "

"I just saw Iron Man and it was totally awesome. Anyway... so, we now return you to Love, Herman, already in progress."

5/08/08 [2919]: "Great Moments in Magic" / video:

"Escape artist Dean Gunnarson spent his whole life freeing himself from straitjackets. That's why it was so ironic when the one straitjacket he couldn't get out of was the one mental health professionals put him in after his wife found him talking to his underpants. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' "

"This Saturday, FOX News is the place to be for exclusive coverage of Jenna Bush's wedding." (video of an old-time wedding on unicycles) "It's gonna be the wildest ceremony ever, when a crazy mix-up leads to the wedding being performed by Obama's nutty preacher. Then you won't believe who hits on Jenna at the reception. And you've just gotta see those crazy Bushes driving home after a few hours of open bar." (video of car wrecks) "The Bush wedding: Be there."

"In her new book, Audition, Barbara Walters tells all about her relationships with some of the world's most powerful men, from Senators John Warner and Ed Brooke, to former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan. But can a journalist truly be objective when dating political figures? That's why Wolf Blitzer wants CNN's viewers to know that he's never had sex with anyone. Blitzer: pure as the driven snow."

"I, I, I, I firmly believe that, you know, if there's a magic wand to wave, I'd be waving it, of course."

5/09/08 [2920]: Dave thinks something's wrong with Osama. He's soft in the head. / video:

"I am happy to report a great victory for our jihad. According to the infidel news media, two high-ranking al-Qaeda operatives have escaped from Guantanamo Bay. Congratulations, Harold and Kumar. Oh... and please get your pets spayed or neutered."

"In an upcoming interview with People magazine, Hillary Clinton said if she could go on a date with anyone, she'd choose the Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln. When the same question was posed to Bill Clinton, he chose the lovely Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, and Angelina Jolie, and Jessica Alba, and Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Eva Longoria, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kate Beckinsale, that hot tennis player..." (picture of Maria Sharapova) "that right-wing nut from The View (if I'm drunk enough)." (picture of Elisabeth Hasselbeck) "That other lady from The View, ... that hot girl from Lost, that other girl from Lost and, what the hell, that hot guy from Lost. Bill Clinton: Still a straight up dog."

"Hey, kids, are you tired of throwing rocks at infidel tanks all day? Then tell your dad and his wives to take you to Jihadland. Climb aboard Mr. Goat's Wild Ride. Sing along with the gang at "It's a Small Insurgency After All!" See the high-tech wonders of the future in Tomorrowland. And ride around the park on our state-of-the-art monorail. And while you are here, don't forget to have your picture taken with Mickey and Minnie Mullah. Say 'hummus.' Jihadland: The jihadiest place on earth!"

5/12/08 [2921]: desk chat: Dave has dinner at "21" for an audience couple from Orlando, whose first anniversary is today. ••• Gas prices are going up. A recession has hit, and Playboy magazine is affected, too. Dave shows a Playmate of the Year centerfold with "Photo Not Available" in large letters. ••• glass-breaking FX: "I'll sink you like a three-foot putt." (Jeff Altman) ••• Very few people got invited to the Jenna Bush wedding, but the Late Show has video:

"President and Mrs. Bush would like to extend their most heartfelt thanks to everyone who made their little girl's wedding so special. They would also like to take this time to apologize to the five bridesmaids who were hospitalized after getting in the way of Condi trying to catch the bouquet. 'A Message from the Bush Family.' "

We see Iron Man outside a Starbuck's®. He spills a beverage all over his chest, says, "Aww, crap," then asks an innocent bystander, "What the hell are you lookin' at?"

5/13/08 [2922]: Sue Simmons let rip with the mother-of-all-cuss words to co-anchor Chuck Scarborough on New York City's FOX 4 yesterday. / video: "Local News Highlights of the Night": "What the **** are you doing?" (x2) ••• glass-breaking FX: "Nice goin', Lunchmeat!" ••• Yahoo and Politico conducted an interview with George W. Bush. / video:

"Yahoo and Politico.com are proud to present 'Ask Bush Anything,' a one-of-a-kind opportunity for you to ask the President about the issues that matter most, from the mismanagement of the war in Iraq, to the economic crises facing America and beyond. Note: President Bush reserves the right to answer every question by saying, 'Corn dogs is tasty.' George W. Bush: Presidenting since 2001."

"Get to Know Dmitry Medvedev": "New Russian president Dmitry Medvedev is a former Vladimir Putin chief of staff, and chairman of the Russian natural gas company, Gazprom. He was elected in March, 2008, defeating rival Hillaryana Clintonevsky. This has been 'Get to Know Dmitry Medvedev.' "

5/14/08 [2923]: desk chat: Something interesting happened during the pre-show questions. Dave won't tell what it was because he's a gentleman, but he feels like a million dollars. ••• Bedbugs have been discovered on New York City subways. / CNN video: A giant cockroach-looking varmint is seen flying away with a passenger. ••• "Jenna Bush Wedding Fashion Review":

"Jenna Bush looked breathtaking in an Oscar de la Renta white silk organza gown with embroidery, matte beading and a small train. Her mother was radiant in a deep turquoise dress, also designed by Oscar de la Renta. And the President was dressed as Iron Man."

"Dear Prussian Academy of Sciences, Thank you for publishing my paper, in which I theorized that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. I take pen in hand and write you today, because I have stumbled on another equation which excites me almost as much. Ruffles® + onion dip = delicious. Fondly, Albert. This has been 'Einstein's Letters.' "

"It's George W. Bush as you've never seen him before." (picture of George W. Bush) "Oliver Stone's W." (picture of Josh Brolin) "Go behind the headlines for a look at the heir to a political dynasty, the wife who always stood by him, and his loyal Vice-President." (picture of a vampire-looking creature) "W.: Coming soon to theaters everywhere."

5/15/08 [2924]: outside cam to Broadway to meet Ryan Simonetti, a 32-year-old skateboard professional / Ryan has a helmet on, because he's about to risk his neck to entertain the North American viewing public. He'll do a stunt later in which he'll jump a U-Haul® truck (driven at him by his girlfriend, Olivia) with a half-pipe on the front and back. (Don't try this at home, kids. Go to a neighbor's house!) ••• John Edwards has just endorsed Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination. / video:

"At a campaign event on Wednesday, former Presidential rival John Edwards endorsed Senator Barack Obama. While Hillary Clinton also courted John Edwards' vote, he felt endorsing Obama was the right move for the Democratic party. In other political news, Governor Bill Richardson gave his endorsement to Wendy's® Half Pound Double with Cheese Combo Meal. Wendy's®: We do chicken right."

5/16/08 [2925]: dinners at Victor's for an audience couple ••• Senator John McCain is going to target 18- to 29-year-olds in his campaign. / video:

"Despite his advanced age, John McCain believes he is still hip enough to attract younger voters in the forthcoming Presidential election. So this November, after that cherry-lime rickey with that paper shaker Betty Sue, hop in your dad's Studebaker, pop the clutch and 23-skidoo to the polls to support that happenin' daddy-o, John McCain. John McCain: More fun than a sock hop!"

5/19/08 [2926]: JAMBA JUICE® NIGHT  On May 15 the California Supreme Court issued a ruling that opens the door for same-sex marriages in the state. Dave thinks they should have the opportunity to be just as miserable as everybody else! Anyway, the gay community is very happy. / video:

"Last week the California Supreme Court overturned a statewide ban on gay marriage, and Governor Schwarzenegger has announced he will not fight the decision. On behalf of California's gay community, we'd like to thank the Governor for his support, for his tolerance, for his compassion..." (clips of a half-clothed Arnold in various action movies) "...for Conan the Barbarian, for Conan the Destroyer, for Twins, for Terminator and for Pumping Iron. Arnold Schwarzenegger: America's Most Delicious Governor."

"It's Survivor like you've never seen before. 16 castaways. 40 days. One cramped restroom. Survivor: jetBlue: This fall on CBS."

5/20/08 [2927]: There's a rumor that President Bush is planning to attack Iran. The White House denies this. / video:

"Recent reports have indicated that George W. Bush is planning an invasion of Iran. But we can assure the American people that these rumors are patently false. As anyone who knows the President can tell you, he prefers to do all of invasions with no planning whatsoever." voice-over: "Hey, did you see that joke coming?" "George W. Bush: The King of Beers."

"Charles Barkley acknowledged that his gambling is out of control. The star owed $400,000 to the Wynn casino. But don't worry, Barkley has found a way to make some quick money. He's becoming an NBA ref. The NBA: we do fixin' right."

5/21/08 [2928]: Hillary Clinton's campaign is in debt. / video and voice-over:

"Hillary Clinton's struggling Presidential campaign has racked up $21,000,000 in debt. To raise money, Hillary announces a one-time-only Used Pantsuit Blowout. Choose from..." (video of snow, then Bill Scheft in an editing room) "Hi. I'm Late Show strike captain Bill Scheft. I apologize for yet another Hillary pantsuit joke. I know we're all sick of them. But it's year three of the Presidential race and frankly, I'm burned out. Hillary, play fair with America's comedy writers and step aside. We need all our energy to work on the 'McCain is old' jokes. Thank you, and may God bless America."

"We here at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport have heard your criticism, and are taking steps to improve your traveling experience. Wider stalls give you more flexibility when having bathroom sex with Senator Larry Craig. Also, the airport now has WiFi access, so you can experience sex with Larry Craig even if you're not gay. We're constantly working hard to increase flight delays to allow you plenty of post-sex snuggle time with the gay Senator. Finally, every time you have sex with Senator Craig, you earn 'Larry Miles.' Accumulate 100,000 and you get three days with Larry in a luxurious Acapulco airport bathroom. Senator Craig: My lavatory's vacant."

5/22/08 [2929]: desk chat: Dave says they try to whip the audience into a fever pitch before tape rolls. Branson, Missouri is the #1 bus trip destination in America. People who you don't think are still in show business have theaters there. Joe, an audience man from nearby Columbia, Missouri, was asked about Branson. He's been there, and he thinks it's a fine place. Meanwhile, his lovely wife is next to him, shaking her head 'no.' ••• "WNBC-4 Weather Update" with Janice Huff / Sue Simmons asks, "What the **** are you doing?" (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "The purpose of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the Western Hemisphere." 2. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 3. George W. Bush: "But I also want to tell a story. And here's the story. My dad, like many of your rel... uh, uh, folk... who've got relatives here... many of you whose relatives who did the same thing who are... You're here... their relatives probably aren't..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• In the set-up for tonight's TTL, we find that Dave has gone to a theater. / video:

Dave's in the audience, annoying those around him by giving a play-by-play description of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to someone by cellular phone. / Yes... you guessed it. It's Harrison Ford on the other end saying, "I know, Dave. I'm in the movie."

5/23/08 [2930]: Gokhan Mutlu says that on a Feb. 23 jetBlue flight, he was forced to sit in the bathroom for over three hours when he was booted from a regular seat. / video and voice-over:

"So jetBlue made a passenger sit in the bathroom for three hours. Well, gay Senator Larry Craig says, 'Cut me a slice of that action.' Larry Craig: My lavatory's vacant."

"Dear Mr. Hershey, Although I have won the Nobel Prize for my work in theoretical physics, after tasting your new Milk Duds®, it is without a shred of overstatement that I say, 'You, my friend, are the true genius.' Fondly, Albert." voice-over: "This has been 'Einstein's Letters.' "

"To ensure a sufficient water supply for the International Space Station, NASA has devised a system that will convert astronaut's urine into safe, clean water. A machine will filter waste particles from the fluid, which will be heated in a high-temperature catalytic reaction, and treated with iodine. The water will then be safe for use by the astronauts, while the waste matter will be brought back to earth, rehydrated into liquid urine and sprayed on the streets of New York City. Urine: The Uncola."

5/26/08: REPEAT FROM 4/24/08

5/27/08: REPEAT FROM 4/28/08

5/28/08: REPEAT FROM 4/02/08

5/29/08: REPEAT FROM 4/29/08

5/30/08: REPEAT FROM 4/14/08

6/02/08 [2931]: desk chat: Dave shows a Sex and the City movie action figure: a guy who was dragged to the movie by his girlfriend. ••• "Telemundo Noticias" (the results of the Puerto Rican primary, in Spanish) ••• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is out. Rupert Jee has a tie-in. / "Rupert Jee's Indiana Jones Moment"

Rupert says, "I didn't find the crystal skull, but today, while mixing up some chili, I did find a pretty big chunk of glass. What can you do?" / Michael Z. McIntee's voice-over: "That's our Rupert!"

We see Sameer Mishra, 13, of West Lafayette, Indiana. His word is numnah. Sameer says, "Numbnut."

6/03/08 [2932]: Gas seems to be increasing in price every day. Dave shows the brand new Fisher-Price® My First Gas Siphoning Kit™ (for ages 1 - 5). ••• It's hot in New York City... maybe around 85° to 90°. / outside cam: The Late Show with David Letterman marquee melts off the theater before our very eyes. ••• interruption: An alien appears in the backdrop. Dave tells the varmint to beat it. He says they've been coming to the house at night and peeking in the windows. ••• Dick Cheney got into some trouble over a joke about West Virginia. We're presenting "Dick Cheney: Comedic Genius." / clip of the Vice-President:

"So I have Cheneys on both sides of the family, and we don't even live in West Virginia." (Veep-Sterical!) "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency." (Cheney-Riffic!) "There is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction." (Dick-Larious)

6/04/08 [2933]: Some say Barack Obama won the Democratic nomination yesterday. / "A Message from Barack Obama" / video:

"Tonight I can stand here and say / that / I / am / sick / of this campaign." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"Recently a plane flying over Brazil got a rare photograph of a native tribe that hasn't had contact with the outside world in ages. Officials could tell the tribe is isolated from the modern world because of their primitive weapons, because they seem to have never seen an airplane before and because they still think Hillary Clinton has a chance. Hillary Clinton: #1 in The Brazilian Jungle."

6/05/08 [2934]: Dave delivers a bottle of water to an audience man from Atlanta. ••• The fire season in the western third of the U. S. is 78 days longer than it once was. Some blame climate change. The U. S. Forest Service has responded with a new image for Smokey the Bear. / video:

"If you're going to be spending time outdoors this summer, please be careful not to start forest fires, because if you do start a fire, Smokey's coming for you." (picture of a fierce bear) "A message from the United States Forest Service and the Ad Council."

"Now that Barack Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, he has assembled an elite team to help him find a running mate. Meanwhile, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain has assembled an elite team to help him find his car keys. John McCain: 'What did I come in here for?' "

6/06/08 [2935]: We have the Belmont Stakes tomorrow. Big Brown could win the Triple Crown. Someone's always sure to exploit this kind of excitement, and sure enough, Dave shows a Swanson's® "Hungry Jockey" TV Dinner, with little bitty portions. ••• glass-breaking FX: Jeff Altman's "I don't need it." ••• We have a live feed from Mars, compliments of NASA. / video from the Phoenix Mars Lander: a Cracker Barrel® ••• FX: Jeff Altman's "I'll knock you into next week, Bud." ••• Dave's blue card lands on Riverside Drive in the backdrop. / instant replay ••• American Airlines has increased their fees. / video & upbeat voice-over:

"Due to rising operating costs, American Airlines will begin charging passengers a $15 fee for the first bag they check, and increasing fees for additional bags. We understand that these added costs might deter people from traveling with us. But you're in luck, because now customers can choose to not fly with us at all, for only a $35 Not-Flying Fee. American Airlines: Screw you, America!"

6/09/08 [2936]: "It's so hot" jokes ••• Weather Report: It's 99° F outside. Our old friend, Mark Odgers, is back. In his last visit he jumped over six interns. Tonight he'll try to jump over seven. / outside cam to Mark on 53rd St. ••• outside cam to a bank at 55th and Broadway: 99° F on the thermometer / It melts! ••• Gas is $4 a gallon. ("Thievin' rat bastards," Dave says) / "Gasoline: Did You Know?" / video:

"Did you know that gasoline can be used not only to fuel vehicles, but also to help burn down your failing business, so you can collect the insurance money?" (picture of an inferno) "This has been 'Gasoline: Did You Know?' from your friends at Exxon."

"After 498 days criss-crossing the country, Senator Clinton's campaign has ended. Senator Clinton says she will now go to Chappaqua to take a long break. What will she do next? Here's a thought: How about showing up for work at the Senate? You know, the job you've been blowing off for the last year and a half. A Message from the People of New York."

6/10/08 [2937]: "Cool/Not Cool" (Obama does a fist bump, and George W. Bush does a chest bump.) ••• interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum has a plate of cold tomatoes for Dave, as it's a hot day. He declines, as we've had reports this week of contaminated tomatoes. Sue exclaims, "This isn't over yet!" ••• The Daily News says Roger Clemens kept Viagra in his locker at Yankee Stadium. / "Great Viagra Moments in Baseball History" / video:

"July 17, 2002: Jose Canseca hits a three-run homer, even though he doesn't have a bat."

6/11/08 [2938]: cold open: Paul Shaffer is visiting with former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. They're comparing notes on the hellish work conditions they've been through. Eventually we go to a three shot. Dave's in the room. "Hey, I'm right here," he exclaims. ••• "Cool/Not Cool": Barack Obama makes a slick basket. George W. Bush attempts to dribble a partially-inflated ball. Epic fail. ••• Apple has a brand new iPhone®. Guess what! Dave pushes a button, and it delivers two cute little pieces of toast! ••• We can't eat tomatoes now, because of a Salmonella outbreak. / video:

"In recent weeks, 16 states have reported cases of Salmonella that have been traced to tomatoes. And while not all tomatoes are potentially hazardous, consumers are urged to stay away from three varieties: Red plum tomatoes, Red Roma tomatoes and giant tomatoes." (picture of a horror movie tomato) "Tomatoes: the silent killers."

"Competing with some guy at work for that big promotion? Did you know if you add a cup of high test to his morning coffee, that job is as good as yours? This has been 'Gasoline: Did You Know?' from your friends at Shell."

6/12/08 [2939]: Dave shows his new Radio Shack® Tainted Tomato Detector. ••• glass-breaking FX: Jeff Altman's "I'll knock you into next week, Bud." ••• An NBA referee, Tim Donahey, was fixing games about a year ago. This caused a bit of a PR problem. / Celtics and Lakers video: The backboard moves during a free throw. ••• Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama are e-mail pals. / video:

"In a recent interview, Scarlett Johansson said she and Barack Obama often e-mail each other. Not to be outdone, John McCain announced that for the past 58 years, he's exchanged saucy telegraph messages with Carol Channing." (Morse code) "The Late Show: Exaggerating John McCain's age since 2006."

DL: "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman."

BC: "And I'm Billy Crystal."

DL: "And you know, we're both very concerned about the environment, even though we're different in so many other ways. Isn't that right, Billy?"

BC: "You bet, Dave, we're very different. For example, I've been working in films for a quarter century, while you're still stuck on TV."

DL: "Right."

BC: "I'm a multi-talented comedian, actor, writer, director and producer, while you have no discernable talent whatsoever."

DL: "Right."

BC: "People actually liked it when I hosted the Academy Awards."

DL: "OK, Billy, that's fine."

BC: "Eight times."

DL: "Yeah, I know."

BC: "And I don't have to pay for sex."

DL: takes a powder

voice-over: "Join us. Together we can solve the climate crisis."

6/13/08 [2940]: When Dave was a teenager, gasoline was 35¢ per gallon. Gas prices are climbing because we waste it. / video:

"This summer, beat the heat the fun way. Take the family to the Shell Gasoline Fun Park at Houston, Texas. Ride the Gasoline Log Flume. Row the High-Test Lagoon. Zoom down the 93 Octane Slide. Remember: Smoking is not permitted in the park. Shell Gasoline Fun Park: It's a gas for the whole family."

"Show Dad you love him this Father's Day, by sending him a Hallmark® card. We have cards for just about everyone. For fathers who are close to their sons, for fathers who are looking to reconnect with their sons, and for fathers who pretend they don't have sons." (picture of George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush) "Hallmark®: Your home for overpriced cardboard rectangles."

6/16/08 [2941]: Tiger Woods won today. Dave thinks he gets breaks. / video: A satellite lasers a new hole in the path of his putt. ••• "Whatever Happened to Hillary Clinton?" / video:

On June 7th, 2008, Hillary Clinton ended her bid for the Presidency, and quietly receded from the public spotlight. So whatever happened to Hillary Clinton? Shortly after ending her campaign, she divorced her longtime husband, Bill, and struck up a romance with actor Sam Elliott. They eventually married, had three children together: Crystal, Mariah and Thad, and bought a farm in Luray, Virginia, where they raise goats for their pungent, tangy milk. This has been 'Whatever Happened to Hillary Clinton?' "

"Do you love tomatoes in your hamburgers? Are you upset that the big fast food chains have pulled tomatoes from their menus? Well, Hardee's® has heard you, America. That's why we're pleased to introduce our latest burger innovation: the Monster Sickburger™, a delicious, quarter-pound mad cow-tainted beef pattie, two slices of Salmonella-infested tomato and viscous, E. coli-exposed lettuce, all on a rancid, sesame seed bun. And, for that extra zip, it's been licked by this guy." (picture of a geezer) "The new Monster Sickburger™, only at Hardee's®!"

6/17/08 [2942]: "Cool/Not Cool" / video: Barack Obama scores a slick basket. George W. Bush misses by several feet. ••• Dave goes into a trance to contact the spirit of Harry S Truman. / voice-over:

"Hello. You've reached Harry Truman. I'll be out of the office from June 15th to the 22nd. You may reach me at the Kansas City Marriott, or you're welcome to leave a message."

"Regular is currently just $3.25 a gallon at this station, located at 600 Grand Avenue, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Take advantage of it if you're in the neighborhood."

6/18/08 [2943]: Al Gore worries about climate change, but he may be using more electricity than anyone. / video: We see his gigantic "STOP GLOBAL WARMING" sign and hear transformers humming. ••• interruption: Legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett is happy that Dave can finally get married in California. (Gay marriage was legalized there a few days ago.) Dave appreciates the sentiment, but he points out to Dave D. that he's not gay. "Whatever you say, Nancy," Dave D. replies. ••• An 18-year-old Polish immigrant, Lukasz Zbylut, has been accepted to 18 top colleges. He's headed to Harvard. The Late Show did some research and found another area kid, Joe Grossman from Henry Hudson High School, who applied to 22 colleges. He wasn't accepted to any of them. Joe comes out to be recognized. Joe's working at Applebee's®. (The part of young Joe Grossman is played by writer Joe Grossman.) ••• Cuban television has broadcast the first video of Fidel Castro since January. He doesn't look good. / video:

"Ever since Fidel Castro's declining health forced him to retire, he has kept a low profile. But now Cuba has released the first video footage of him in five months, and he looks older, more sickly and closer to death." (picture of a bearded David Letterman soon, after his return from El Strikeo Grande) "Fidel: Still got it."

6/19/08 [2944]: (DAVECON 2008 TODAY) ••• Dave wants to talk about Tiger Woods, who won the U. S. Open on June 16, in spite of leg and knee injuries. A little-known fact (because it's not true) is that Dave advised Tiger early in his career, especially on problems with a slice. / There were hints that Tiger was in trouble at the U. S. Open. / video: We see Tiger taking a big swing, when suddenly there is quite a commotion off-camera. We hear a gentleman in distress.

"Ahhhh! Son of a... Holy Mother of God! My knee! My knee! Ahhhh! Can somebody help me? Oh, sweet Lord! Somebody call an ambulance! Help! Help!

"High energy prices are forcing oil-hungry Americans to look close to home for new petroleum supplies. Congress has been asked to lift the ban on offshore drilling. Senator Larry Craig is in favor of more drilling. Hard, repeated drilling. Drilling that..." (video of snow, and writer Bill Scheft in an editing room)

Bill: "Hi, I'm Late Show Strike Captain Bill Scheft. I know what you're thinking. 'Good Lord, they're still doing Larry Craig jokes?' Yes, we are! It's all part of our Old Comedy Reference Summer Clearance! Watch for jokes about jetBlue stranded on the runway, Dick Cheney shooting old guys, Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch, even John Kerry's crazy ketchup heiress wife. And remember: Once these jokes are gone, they're gone! (Until we start using them again in the fall.) Thanks a lot. Have a great summer."

"February 9, 1964: The Beatles make their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. May 6, 1974: The Ed Sullivan Theater is home to The $10,000 Pyramid. June 13, 2008: For the 1,000th time, Dave Letterman pretends to give a crap about an uninteresting guest." (picture of the June 13 Spencer Pratt interview)

Tony conducts a respectful interview, but eventually he snaps, demolishing a vase over the CEO's noggin, extracting cash from his billfold and giving him a stern lecture in Spanish.

6/20/08 [2945]: outside cam to Mark Odgers on 53rd St. / We've become well acquainted with Mark and his death defying (so far, anyway) stunts. Tonight Mark proposes to jump over 10 interns. That's side-by-side, not that bunched-together nonsense that wussy stunt men do. Stay tuned for this developing story. ••• George W. Bush has issued overs to government operatives to find and capture Mr. Osama bin Laden. Apparently the President wants to give him a good talking to. / video:

"With only seven months remaining in his term, George W. Bush is more determined than ever to apprehend Osama bin Laden. But in the event that we don't capture him, the President is also conducting a search for the most hilarious Osama look-alikes, with the second runner-up getting a $1000 gift card to Best Buy®, the first runner-up getting a brand new Pontiac Vibe, and the winner getting a $100 million contract to perform at the Mirage Casino and Resort in Las Vegas. America's Next Top Osama Look-alike: Coming this fall to NBC."

We see Weather Channel® Classic: black and white footage from Feb. 9, 1956. We see President Eisenhower, and the upbeat meteorologist says, "Expect a 30% chance of nuclear annihilation."

6/23/08 [2946]: desk chat: Saturday was the last day of tee ball. Dave shows the player card for Harry Letterman, now 4½. It's a refrigerator magnet. Dave whines about wishing he could afford a refrigerator to put it on, because, "He's eatin' us out of house and home!" ••• Should we drill for oil in protected areas? / "Pristine Areas That Have Never Been Drilled" / video:

Over a score of orchestral music, we see majestic views of the following:

1. Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, Northeastern Alaska
2. Wild Sky Wilderness Area, Western Washington
3. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Washington, D. C.

(We see Larry banging on a guitar, shaking his head like a madman.)

6/24/08 [2947]: "Wimbledon Memories" / video:

"In 2007, during a hard-fought second-set tiebreak against Yung-Jan Chan, a brisk breeze blew up Maria Sharapova's skirt. This has been 'Wimbledon Memories.' "

"Yesterday John McCain offered $300 million to anyone who developed an environmentally friendly car battery. Sadly, there is no such offer. You see, the Senator is a very old man, who is getting by on little to no sleep. When he gets tired, he says crazy things. This morning he offered me $500 million to get his glasses. John McCain: Grandpa's losing it."

6/25/08 [2948]: desk chat: Dave got a screening of The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie, last night. He sort of tells us a few secrets that we're not supposed to know. ••• outside cam & weather report: 82° F, 37% humidity, barometer 30.13↓, wind SW 6 MPH, visibility 10 miles / We've come outside for "Big New Summer Idea." Biff Henderson is overseeing a brand new Slip 'N Slide™ that's set up on the sidewalk. All involved fear that takers will be few and far between, as they'd have to land on the 53rd St. sidewalk. Please stay tuned. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 3. George W. Bush: "Let me just remind you where we have been through. What we have been through." ••• "Barack Obama vs. John McCain" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Abigail Breslin plugs Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl. We have a look at Abigail's turtle in the green room. ••• Barry Sonnenfeld plugs Space Chimps. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Tony Mendez Show promo (yes, the one with the DaveCon 2008 crew) ••• more Barry Sonnenfeld ••• Tift Merritt sings.

6/26/08 [2949]: [outside cam to Mark Odgers on 53rd St. for another stunt / We see a clip of his jump over 10 interns last week. As is customary for outside guests, Dave instructs Mark to tell a dopey kid behind him to stop waving. / Tonight Mark will again jump over 10 interns. This time, he's going to grab a basketball from the second intern while in flight, and he'll dunk it after passing the tenth intern. / weather report: 80° F, 54% humidity, 29.91 (steady), wind SW 9 MPH, visibility 5 miles / interruption: Happy birthday to Sean Hayes. / Mark takes off down the sidewalk, but he screeches to a halt. It seems he got distracted by a cloud. / On his second try, Mark nails the jump and dunks the ball!] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave gives a shout-out to anyone who's about to have hip replacement surgery. ••• George W. Bush has lifted sanctions against North Korea. / video:

"In a remarkable turnaround, President Bush has decided to lift key trade sanctions against North Korea, after they fulfilled an important step in the denuclearization process. As a result, we can also announce that North Korea will be removed from the notorious Axis of Evil..." (maps of North Korea, Iran and Iraq) "...and added to the less-severe—but equally-annoying—Axis of ***holes." (maps of North Korea, France and Germany) "The U. S. State Department: Tastes so good, cats ask for it by name."

6/27/08 [2950]: Dave has a bottle of water for an audience lady from Atlanta. They're in a drought. ••• desk chat: Dave claims he helped Tiger Woods with his slice when Tiger was just a young squirt. Tiger won the U. S. Open a few days ago. ••• "Heroic Sports Performances":

1. 2008: Tiger Woods wins U. S. Open with injured knee and fractured leg
2. 1996: Kerri Strug helps win U. S. Gold with injured ankle
3. 1988: Kirk Gibson hits game-winning home run with torn hamstring
4. Terry Bradshaw wins Super Bowl XIV without pants

6/30/08: REPEAT FROM 6/05/08

7/01/08: REPEAT FROM 6/04/08

7/02/08: REPEAT FROM 6/02/08

7/03/08: REPEAT FROM 5/22/08

7/04/08: REPEAT FROM 5/15/08

7/07/08: REPEAT FROM 5/14/08

7/08/08: REPEAT FROM 6/16/08

7/09/08: REPEAT FROM 5/20/08

7/10/08: REPEAT FROM 5/08/08

7/11/08: REPEAT FROM 6/17/08

7/14/08 [2951]: desk chat: Dave's thinking about high gas prices. Over the weekend he drained his swimming pool and filled it with gas. ••• Angelina Jolie had twins over the weekend. / video:

"Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are thrilled to announce the birth of their adorable twins, Vivienne and Knox. The twins are in good health, and will soon return home to join Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Connie, Kenny, Mitch, Hank, Debbie, Larry, Brenda, JoJo, Tammy, Lou, Dwayne, Frank and Rico. A message from the Jolie-Pitts."

"Reflecting his vibrant, youthful image, Barack Obama appears on the current issue of Rolling Stone magazine. In an attempt to appeal to his core group of supporters, we here at the McCain campaign are pleased to announce John McCain will grace the cover of next month's Kidney Stone. John McCain: 'In my day, magazines cost a nickel.' "

1. horsefly top view
2. horsefly attacking a man's shoulder
3. a saw with a handle, to demonstrate the saw-like mechanism on the horsefly's mouth
4. a beaker with anticoagulant chemicals used for sucking blood

7/15/08 [2592]: Banks are collapsing. The cost of gas is sky high. / "Understanding the Bank Crisis" / video:

"When depositers rapidly withdraw large sums of money, it can create a liquidity crisis, which may lead a bank to be placed into conservatorship by the FDIC. Then a bridge bank is established to assume control of assets, and secure its liabilities. Aww, screw it!" (scenes of unrest and civil disobedience) "This has been 'Understanding the Bank Crisis.' "

"Looking for relief from the summer heat? Here's a tip for when the temperature soars into the nineties. Break open the thermometer and drink the cool, refreshing mercury. Ahhh! A message from the American Healthy Living Council."

7/16/08 [2593]: "John McCain Supporter of the Night" / video:

We see Wolf Blitzer visiting with Gov. Mark Sanford (R - South Carolina).

Blitzer: "Are there any significant economic differences between what, uh, the Bush administration has put forward over these many years, as opposed to now what John McCain supports?"

Sanford: "Uh, yeah, I mean for instance, take, you know, umm, uhh, take for instance the issue of... uh, of, uh..." (knocks on wood) "I'm drawin' a blank, uhh..."

"In a recent issue of Rolling Stone magazine, Barack Obama told readers what's on his iPod™." (picture of Obama on the cover) "And coming up in the next issue of Rolling Stone, John McCain gives readers a look at his iPod™." (picture of a palm-sized, antique, hand-cranked Victrola) "John McCain: Can you believe how old this guy is?"

"Milk prices are hurting American consumers. To solve the problem, President Bush proposes a three-part plan:

1. lower income taxes for cows,
2. more offshore drilling for milk and, if necessary,
3. invading Wisconsin.

George W. Bush: Boob."

7/17/08 [2594]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. John F. Kennedy: "A strict quarantine on all offensive military equipment under shipment to Cuba is being initiated." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..." ••• change-up: Dave goes to commercial from his monologue. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Dave notices that his noggin isn't in the picture. We see legendary cameraman running in and tossing on the headset. Dave asks Dave if he's just getting into work. "I'm sorry I'm late, Dave Dorsett says, "I went to the All-Star Game." Dave, our host, points out, "But that was Tuesday." Dave Dorsett replies, "But I got drunk and passed out in a dumpster." Then legendary bandleader Paul Shaffer chimes in with, "Passed out in a dumpster. In other words, he was in a dumpster first, then he passed out." ••• A guy in Queens goes into a Subway® shop, and they baked a knife into the Subway® bun. The Subway® company is trying to put a positive spin on this. / video and voice-over:

"Subway's Summer Prize-Fest continues. Congratulations to John Agnesini of Queens, New York, who found the July prize." (picture of a knife)

"CBS would like to congratulate all of its shows that received nominations for the 2008 Emmy awards..." (clips of top-notch CBS programs) "...including CSI, The Amazing Race and..." (clip of Dave in a blue Cap'n Crunch hat, enjoying some cereal) "Good lord. You're kidding, right? Well, congratulations anyway from CBS."

7/18/08 [2955]: outside cam to Broadway to meet Brad Emehiser. He's a furniture salesman from Everett, Washington, who has done skateboarding for 20 years. / weather report: 77° F, humidity 60%, barometer 29.88↑, wind SW 5 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Happy birthday to Vin Diesel (41), by the way. / Brad sets out on his journey south on Broadway. He hits a rut (he says) about halfway down the block, and doesn't make it. / Do over. [True Confessions: I swiped the spelling of Brad's name from the Wahoo Gazette. I couldn't find the dude on Google.] ••• desk chat: An audience woman from Florida wants to go deep sea fishing. Dave says, "I'll tell you something. Ever since that came up, all I can think about is gettin' a hold of my pole and goin' out there." ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. Pineapples take about 18 months to develop. 2. Polar bears can swim about 60 miles without a rest. 3. Garfield hates Mondays, because that's the day the veterinarian neutered him. 4. In 1996, because of a clerical error, for a short time the RDA for iron was 12 pounds. 5. When Sesame Street was not in production, Jim Henson would use Kermit the Frog as an oven mitt.] ••• desk chat: Dave checks with executive producer Barbara Gaines on the cost of Brad's appearance. It came to $1160 for the roundtrip flight, $500 for the hotel and $1400 for the actor's payment. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam to Broadway and Brad, who goes the whole block by standing on his skateboard the usual way. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See the New Batman Movie ••• Rosie Perez plugs Pineapple Express. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• David Sedaris plugs his book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. ••• David Sedaris reads from his book.

7/21/08 [2956]: "It's so hot" jokes, e.g., "That thing on Donald Trump's head was panting." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "So I'm optimistic. I understand how difficult it is, uh, but difficulty should not cause people to do the right thing." ••• Dave confesses that in the pre-show questions he spotted a young man in the audience wearing a red Ball State shirt. He asked, "Is that a shirt you're wearing?" ••• desk chat: Dave says he does a lot of thinking about stuff, even though some believe he's an idiot. Gas prices have got us by the nose. Dave concludes that, "Americans love the way gas smells." Do Americans love the way electricity smells? He thinks not. But fresh-pumped gas: "Mmmmm." ••• more desk chat: Dave, the former meteorologist, fusses about the heat index. It's too complicated. Now a radio station in New York is broadcasting the feels like number. ••• It's hot, and it's only going to get hotter. / outside cam ("videotaped"): The Jamba Juice® across the street at 1700 Broadway melts before our eyes! All that's left is a space like a garage. ••• HBO's miniseries on founding father John Adams has been nominated for 23 Emmy awards. / video:

"HBO congratulates the cast and crew of John Adams for garnering 23 Emmy nominations, including:

• Best Miniseries
• Best Performance By An Actor
• Best Performance By An Actor Wearing a Wig While Eating
• Best Performance By Two Old People In A Tub
• Best Hat, and
• Best Wet, Hacking Cough.

Congratulations from your friends at HBO."

"The government's terror watch list includes more than one million names, but many of those are innocent people whose names are similar to those of actual terror suspects. So how can you tell if you're a suspected terrorist?"

• "If your front porch collapses and four goats get killed..." (baa) "...you might be a terrorist." (rim shot)
• "If on your wedding day you wore a tuxedo with a bomb vest..." (slide whistle) "...you might be a terrorist." (rim shot)
• "If you and your wife have the same beard, you might be a terrorist." (rim shot)

"Good night, America."

7/22/08 [2957]: desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to writer/strike captain Bill Scheft. He explains that Bill recently had a tie transplant. OK... he had a hip replacement two weeks ago, and he's back on job, leaning on a cane. Welcome back, Bill! ••• The heat is crazy. / "Late Show Tips for Beating the Heat" / video:

As we hear catchy Australian music, the voice-over dude says, "When outdoors, wear light, loose-fitting clothing and apply plenty of sunscreen. Avoid strenuous activities, especially during the sun's peak hours. And remember to keep hydrated by drinking water, electrolyte-rich sports drinks, or if you feel adventurous, try this." (video of Bear Grylls saying, "The only thing I can do is drink my own pee.") "This has been 'Late Show Tips for Beating the Heat.' "

"With 900 people working full-time to get him elected, Barack Obama has the biggest campaign staff in Presidential candidate history. This is not to be confused with the distinction held by Richard Nixon, who according to his wife, Pat, had the biggest staff in Presidential candidate history." (censored picture of a pantsless Richard Nixon) "Nixon: Big where it counts."

7/23/08 [2958]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Ronald Reagan: "And let us renew our faith and our hope. We have every right to dream heroic dreams." 2. John F. Kennedy: "As a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: "It's the first time we've been back to Texas since our trip to Africa, and you may recall we went to a park in Botswana." ••• "Why They Would Make a Good Vice-President" (with hilarious sound effects) / Howie Mandel (moo), Condoleezza Rice (foghorn), Rachael Ray (turkey), Christian Bale (thunder), Madonna (lawnmower or weed eater) / interruption: A man wearing a Batman mask bothers Dave again. He wants to buy a ticket to the Batman movie. Dave agrees to give him a ride home. / more Vice-Presidents: Oprah (pinball machine), George Clooney (yodeling), Lindsay Lohan (rooster), Brett Favre (sneeze), Paul Shaffer (siren) and Alex Rodriguez (slide whistle) ••• John C. Reilly plugs Step Brothers. ••• Jane Mayer plugs her book, The Dark Side. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Tony Mendez Show promo ••• more Jane Mayer ••• Grizzly Bear sing.

7/24/08 [2959]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "That's not a Seersucker suit, is it?" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Harry, now 4½, has been going to day camp. Recently he saw a fat man in his underpants. Dave says that while he was dropping off Harry, a man recognized him and asked why he doesn't see him on TV anymore. / Dave squints at Dave Dorsett's camera and goes over to pound on the lens. It's his special operational test. / Dave informed the guy, "I got fired." Then Paul brings down the house with, "He thought you were Leno." ••• "Great Paranormal Mysteries of Our Time" / video and voice-over / X Files music:

"Who built Stonehenge? Did aliens crash land near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947? How did Clay Aiken get a woman pregnant?"

Senator McCain is seen in a grocery store in the cheese section, explaining the surge in Iraq. He's practically being drowned out with a PA message, "We need a price check on Gouda." Dave wonders why he's making fun of a guy who spent five years being tortured.

7/25/08 [2960]: [roof cam: We jump from the monologue to the roof to visit with Pat Farmer and Paul Thoresen, who have a 55-gallon water balloon ready to drop on 53rd St. Paul is from the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He dropped a similar balloon, made from an industrial-sized trash bag, from the 10th floor of a residence hall. For his efforts, Paul got some big fines. Actually, some of what Paul described as fines probably were charges for broken glass. / weather report: 87° F, 48% humidity, barometer 29.84, wind S 10 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Betty Fletcher from Tucson is 100 today. / The drop will be from eight stories (90 feet). / Splat! / Tidal wave! / Replays.] ••• Randy Bachman (of The Guess Who and Bachman Turner Overdrive) is sitting in on guitar. Randy's name is pronounced like Backman, which is common in Canada, even though Bachman in Bachman Turner Overdrive has the expected German pronunciation. ••• desk chat: Dave likens tonight's guest, Nathan Lane, to Russian world champion weight lifter Vasili Alexyev. It's a bit of a stretch, but Dave's a deep thinker, so we'll go with it. ••• The Emmy award nominations were announced last week. Oddly enough, now Dave has seen Emmy nominations on al Jazeera. / video:

"Al-Qaeda proudly congratulates all of its prime time Emmy nominees: Osama bin Laden for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Terror Training Video; Ayman al-Zawahiri for Outstanding Supporting Extremist in a Video or Audio Terror Message; Habib Salam for Outstanding Animated Program..." (cartoon of an Arab milking a camel) "and Abdul Mohammed for Outstanding Beard in a Martyrdom Message or Miniseries. Way to go!"

7/28/08 [2961]: desk chat: Dave lets us in on some juicy inside gossip. It's never happened before. As the theme song wound down, Tony Mendez, who needs no introduction in these parts, revealed to Dave that he was missing some cue cards. (If you play back the tape, a camera is on Dave and Tony during the brief discussion, because Tony lured Dave away from his mark. You can see Dave with a big grin as he returns to his mark. Anyway, Tony had cards for the first couple of jokes. After that, he just leaned in and told Dave the missing jokes. Dave knew the start of the joke about a mouse in the chili at Wendy's. He made it through the first punchline, then we see him look toward Tony, and we hear Tony give Dave the second punchline, "It was supposed to be in the tacos!" Watch this scandal unfold in my Video Archives.) ••• A couple in Green Bay, Wisconsin woke up hearing something they can't explain. They've had experts come in with all kinds of gadgets, like in Poltergeist. They're still looking for it. / video:

"For the last two years Bob and Leona Ehrfurth from Green Bay, Wisconsin have been unable to find the source of an annoying noise in their home. City officials, accoustic experts and scientists have all looked into the problem, but haven't been able to find the solution. Oh... forget it. Leona just remembered she left the TV on in the basement." (clip of an argument on The View) "The View: Annoying people since 1997."

"Barack Obama plans to maintain the 6.2% Social Security tax rate for earned income up to $102,000, while placing an additional tax of 2% to 4% on earned income above $250,000. John McCain plans to save his Social Security checks, until he has enough money to buy of them metal detectors, so he can find coins at the beach."

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Here is the answer to last night's riddle. May is the shortest month, because it only has three letters." (slide whistle) "This has been a CBS News Special Report. We now return you to the CBS Olympic preview, Countdown to Berlin, already in progress."

"I challenge Americans to work together to make all of its electricity through solar, wind and geothermal power. It won't be easy." (slurping on a drink) "Together, I believe we can preserve the planet for ourselves and our children. Can't you people get more caramel? Remember: only you can make a difference."

7/29/08 [2962]: desk antics: Dave once again grabs an unsuspecting Barbara Gaines as she approaches the desk too closely, making sure that she gets plenty of camera time during her futile struggle for escape. (As we have learned over the years, Dave is 6' 8" and 280 lbs., and has the strength of 10 men.) ••• Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized and released this week for "an adverse reaction to medication." Dave wouldn't give her troubles to a monkey on a rock. / video:

"Amy Winehouse would like to assure her fans that she's doing well after her most recent stay in the hospital. Amy would also like everyone to know that this incident had nothing to do with illicit narcotics. She was mauled by the raccoon that lives in her hair. A message from Amy Winehouse."

"Russian scientists have successfully descended to the bottom of Siberia's Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake, reaching a depth of 5,500 feet. What did they find at such a staggering depth?" (aaoogah horn) "President Bush's poll numbers! Do you have a submarine joke you'd like to see on the show?" (picture of a smiling Dave in one of those white sailor caps) "Send it to Cap'n Dave's Submarine Showdown, New York, New York 10019. Ahoy!"

"After two thrilling Mummy films, adventurer Rick O'Connell is back. Join our hero as he travels through hundreds of miles of treacherous desert, only to discover the most mysterious, horrifying mummy yet." (clip of Larry King saying, "Idaho Falls, Idaho for Dr. Phil. Hello.") "The Mummy. Opens Friday."

7/30/08 [2963]: cold open: video from c. 1967: A man with black plastic glasses introduces footage from a Public Relations Society of America symposium. He has no public relations skills whatsoever. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "OK, I met, I met an onion grower today at the airport when I arrived, and he said, 'You've gotta help me find people that'll pull onions.' Or pluck 'em... or whatever you do to 'em, you know?" ••• "Annoying Word of the Night": veepstakes / video of various news anchors using the catchphrase ••• glass-breaking FX: "Old Turkey Buzzard" (apparently resurrected at the request of a lonely audience man) ••• In Fairhope, Alabama, a doggie named Wille Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane is running for mayor. / video:

"Wille Bean says you can trust him to lead Fairhope, Alabama as its mayor, but consider the facts: When asked at the town hall meeting last April how he planned to ease downtown traffic congestion, the candidate said..." (audio: barking) "But when asked about the same congestion last week, he said..." (audio: growling, different barking, plus some panting) "Well, which is it, Wille Bean?" (picture of a turtle) "Paid for by The Committee to Elect Mittens."

"Has your family been disappointed by the Mexican bathtub cheese you've been buying? Well check out Kraft's® Mexican Bathtub Cheese. Kraft® painstakingly selects each Mexican bathtub we use, to make sure your Mexican bathtub cheese is the best Mexican bathtub cheese. Don't be fooled by other so-called Mexican bathtub cheeses. Only when you bite into Kraft® cheese do you know you're eating something made in a Mexican bathtub. Kraft®: like eating in a Mexican bathtub." (picture of a smiling man wearing a sombrero, sitting in a bathtub)

7/31/08 [2964]: [I missed bits and pieces from tonight's show to tropospheric ducting. This means an atmospheric temperature inversion has created a path (in the trophosphere, the lowest part of the atmosphere) for radio and TV signals on frequencies (VHF and UHF) that would normally travel only line-of-sight. In other words, a TV station on channel 13 from much farther away was competing with the signal from WIBW, channel 13 on about 211 MHz, in Topeka. It makes the picture look very squiggly, and sometimes the color drops out. Police scanner listeners start hearing police dispatchers from other states, etc.] ••• Dave gives a dinner certificate to newlyweds in the audience. ••• A-Rod wants a career in show business, and he's signed an agent. / video:

"Alex Rodriguez has signed on with the prestigious William Morris Agency, in an effort to pursue more opportunities in the entertainment industry. Specifically, he's hoping to branch out into sleeping with film actresses..." (picture of Angelina Jolie) "TV actresses..." (picture of Ellen Pompeo) "country singers..." (picture of Shania Twain) "authors..." (picture of J. K. Rowling) "directors..." (picture of Diane Keaton) "talk show hosts..." (picture of Kelly Ripa) "and stars with no discernible talent whatsover." (picture of Paris Hilton) "A-Rod. Batter up!"

"As Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain vet the potential running mates on their short list, Al Gore can confirm that there are now just two names on his short list for tonight: Cheesecake and Cinnamon Buns. An announcement will be made shortly." (picture of a well-fed Al Gore) "Al Gore... Mmm, Mmm, Good."

8/01/08 [2965]: [roof cam: Our new friend, Paul Thoresen (possibly still enrolled at the University of Wisconsin-Madison) and Pat Farmer are on the roof again. Paul has slapped together another 55-gallon water balloon. It weighs about 457 pounds. Eight stories below is an unsuspecting 1994 Chrysler LeBaron convertible, strategically parked, with top down. It's a sitting duck, as they say. / Weather Report: 84° F, 47% humidity, barometer 29.91, wind SW at 8 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Dom DeLuise is 75 years old today. (So are a lot of other people, but it's Dom's birthday.) / What advice does Pat have for us all? "Safety first." / Pat, Paul and the stagehands do their thing, and the balloon makes its way toward earth. / Bullseye! The windshield has shielded wind for the last time. / Replays.] ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Until 1981, Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial was holding a tip jar. 2. In some rural areas of Italy there are coin-operated meatball machines. 3. Dick Cheney holds the world's record for longest sneer. 4. It makes no sense to buy an extended service warranty on a coffin. 5. Curiosity is the #2 cause of death for cats. 6. The government has no idea how many people work for the Census Bureau.] ••• desk chat: Dave visits with Paul about Richard Simmons' upcoming segment. He once spent some time with Richard, and found him to be genuinely irritating. (Dave's probably referring to a segment on 12/30/94, when he and Richard went door-to-door in New Jersey.) Dave says that prior to that day, he'd never thought he could kill another human being. ••• Webster's Dictionary has recently added 100 words. / Top Ten New Words ••• Beloved fitness guru Richard Simmons is delivered down 53rd St. and into the theater by one of those pedicabs. The CBSO plays him on with Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti." Richard is wearing a bright red, feathery tank top and striped shorts, and is greased up with Mazola® oil, or whatever product he uses to contaminate Dave's furniture. Dave doesn't take the fire extinguisher to Richard, but tells him he can't stand on the guest chair, "Get off the couch. Get off the couch. Hey! I ain't Oprah, get off the furniture. Get off the furniture. Get off!" Richard then does a squirrel face and pose. Dave looks over to Paul and says, "Not a jury in the land would convict me. All they've gotta do is look at the tape," Dave exclaims, perhaps in reference to his earlier comments on putting Richard out of his misery. Dave looks to Gaines and inquires, "Is there a five-day waiting period to get a gun? Is that what it is? I've gotta wait five days?" As the interview winds down, Dave reveals a personal secret to Richard, "Let me tell you something else. I screwed up, and you were only supposed to get one segment, but because I screwed up, you're still here." While he's on a roll, Dave says of Richard's red-feathered get-up, "You know who passed away a couple of weeks ago? The guy who did Bozo the Clown. And I see you were in the will." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• more Richard Simmons ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview": Richard Simmons / As usual, Alan is openly displeased with Dave for snatching his scheduled guest. He calls Dave "numbnuts" and walks off the stage. ••• Mary-Louise Parker plugs Weeds. Dave compliments her on her ass after showing a picture of her nekkid, holding some gigantic snake in a Weeds publicity shoot. Her last visit to the Late Show was on 2/03/95, and I don't recall it going very well. ••• Dave announces that Dwayne Kennedy was bumped. (He'll appear on August 8.) ••• full credits

8/04/08 [2966]: outside cam to 53rd. St. to see the set-up for tonight's Purina Incredible Dog Challenge / We're looking at 19,000 gallons of water, at 54° F. The pool's 41 feet by 17 feet by 4 feet. / Weather Report: 83° F, 44% humidity, barometer 29.97, wind NW 11 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Billy Bob Thornton is 53 today. We'll be back outside in a bit. ••• People Weekly has Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the twins on this week's cover. Dave says the nice people at People paid $400 for the first photos. The conventional wisdom is the rights came in closer to $14,000,000. (Whether $400 or $14,000,000, when cash is involved, Late Show fans can be confident that Paul will chime in and say, "I've got that on me!" It's become a new Late Show tradition, like the horn section raising their hands.) Anyway, Dave's copy of the magazine has a foldout of the Pitt-Jolie clan, which includes exactly 20 kids. No wonder Brad and Angelina went to in vitro for the twins. They're exhausted! ••• interruption: CBS News Special Report / video:

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Packers quarterback Brett Favre has cancelled his comeback bid, and announced his retirement. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

Today's suggestion is carpooling. Chris Elliott, Gerard Mulligan and several others are headed for the country in just one car. Five hours later, five people hop out of the car, and Gerard opens the trunk to reveal an upbeat Chris, who has a little pep talk for us, and... Oh, no. This is truly a shame. Chris's tummy has become upset during the journey, and he is going to blow chow on national TV. We hear the telltale sounds of regurgitation as we switch to a profile view, so we can fully appreciate the volume of cookies Chris is tossing. He definitely could use a Compazine® suppository. To add insult to injury, poor Chris loses his balance and falls out of the trunk, right in the middle of the biohazardous slop he has presented to Mother Nature. Personal note: One has to wonder how much Chris's upset tummy is from a bumpy ride in the trunk versus his eating a handful of compost in the July 31 episode.

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has announced he is unretired, and has rejoined the Green Bay Packers. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has retired, and while retiring, unretired. But then, he retired again. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

8/05/08 [2967]: Since NBC's covering the Olympics, the Today show has moved to China to cover them. / video:

We see Matt Lauer outdoors, telling the story of the Olympic games, which start in four days. Now, we all know there's been big discussion of the smog problem in Beijing, but what we're seeing is stunning, and getting worse by the second. Before our eyes, the smog becomes completely opaque. Matt is heard coughing up a lung or two.

"The decision by Brett Favre to come out of retirement is an inspiration to all professionals who feel they've stepped aside too early. Therefore, as of today, former President Richard Nixon is coming out of retirement and getting back into politics. Richard Nixon: All you need is a dollar and a dream."

8/06/08 [2968]: "China: Did You Know?" / video:

"The Great Wall of China, stretching over approximately 4,000 miles, attracts over 10 million visitors a year. But did you know that each year an additional 14 million visitors stop by another famous Chinese landmark, erected during the Qing Dynasty in 1688, and known for its architectural grandeur and historical significance: the Great Door of China? This has been 'China: Did You Know?' "

1972: Richard Nixon resumes diplomatic relatins with China; 2000: Bill Clinton is first President to visit Vietnam since the war; 2003: Dick Cheney destroys Tokyo (by breathing fire)

Our friends' tip for today is to turn out the lights when leaving a room, and they have a demonstration. As soon as the room goes dark, we hear a scream from Chris. When the lights go on, a shirtless Chris is in the arms of Gerard. He's scared of the dark. There's nothing else going on, OK?

Biff visited with a bunch of athletes in Chicago in April, namely: weightlifter Casey Burgener; beach volleyball player Misty May-Treanor; fencer Ivan Lee; Taekwondo dude Steven Lopez; badminton players Howard Bach, Eva Lee and Bob Malaythong; track & field athlete Allyson Felix; Olympic eater Biff Henderson; soccer players Heather O'Reilly, Kate Markgraf and Abby Wambach; Kyle Bennett and Donny Robinson (BMX); Georgina Bloomberg (equestrian); and boxers Rau-shee Warren and Demetrius Andrade.

8/07/08 [2969]: cold open: Dave and Jude Brennan are in his office. Dave wonders how the Olympic athletes are supposed to compete in toxic, gaseous, poisonous air. Jude wonders how she's supposed to work next to someone who reeks of gin and toupee glue. ••• Brett Favre isn't retiring. He's coming to New York to play for the Jets. / video:

"On Wednesday the Green Bay Packers traded newly-unretired quarterback Brett Favre to the New York Jets. After learning he's going to the Jets, today Brett announced his decision to re-retire. The New York Jets: Like the Knicks, with a pointy ball."

"Yesterday, Osama bin Laden's driver, Salim Ahmed Hamdan, was convicted by a military tribunal for war crimes. So if you're interested in buying Mr. Hamdan's 1997 Mazda Protege, head on down to Friedman Mazda in Newburgh, New York. The car comes complete with baba ghanoush-scented air freshener, kebab holder and Osama's collection of Mariah Carey CDs. And if you act now, we'll throw in a replica of Osama's hilarious bumper sticker, 'My other ride is a '79 alpaca.' Friedman Mazda: Your New York Mazda dealer!"

8/08/08 [2970]: "Late Show Olympic Preview" (All we have is the fancy intro.) ••• glass-breaking FX: Jeff Altman's "Nice goin', Lunchmeat." ••• Film Coordinator Richard "Shecky" Scheckman has gotten important news video from al-Qaeda. One of their hotshot operatives has kicked the bucket. / video:

"We here at al-Qaeda are saddened to report the death of our brother, Abu Khabab al-Masri. A collection and a condolence card will passed around the office for his wife, Iris, so when the intern comes around asking for money, please don't pretend you left your wallet in your car. This means you, Gabe. Also, if anyone is interested in applying for Abu Khabab's position, please submit your resume to Janice by the close of business Wednesday. Thank you, and don't forget we're playing softball against Sunglass Hut® tonight after work. al-Qaeda: It's all-righta."

"1962: Publishes novel, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. 1973-1978: Publishes the three-part history, The Gulag Archipelago. 1997: Publishes paperback novel, Slut Beach."

8/11/08: REPEAT FROM 6/23/08

8/12/08: REPEAT FROM 7/16/08

8/13/08: REPEAT FROM 6/24/08

8/14/08: REPEAT FROM 7/15/08

8/15/08: REPEAT FROM 6/12/08

8/18/08: REPEAT FROM 7/24/08

8/19/08: REPEAT FROM 5/12/08

8/20/08: REPEAT FROM 7/29/08

8/21/08: REPEAT FROM 7/21/08

8/22/08: REPEAT FROM 6/18/08

8/25/08 [2971]: desk chat: Dave announces that he hates Communists. But when he saw the Chinese women's volleyball team, he was ready to sign up. (photo of Chinese volleyball players hugging, with a hand on a rear end) ••• more desk chat: Dave says he has a buddy who works in Bejing in "the Birth Department." When he saw the female gymnastics teams he had his pal check on them, and they're ages three and four. So there we have it. ••• more desk chat: Dave thinks the single-most impressive event is the high jump. He asks Gaines for high jumpers on 53rd St. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We have high jump fever on the Late Show. During the commercial, Dave has set up a desktop demonstration for us. He has two Late Show mugs five or six inches apart for the uprights. The high jump bar is one of Dave's two-eraser pencils. The high jumper is another pencil, broken to about 2½", which Dave lifts over the bar and into the pit. Very, very impressive. / slow-motion replay ••• We learned on Saturday that Sen. Joe Biden from Delaware was asked to be Obama's running mate. / "Get to Know Delaware" / video:

"Delaware is a state. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"The MTA is pleased to announce a new three-part campaign to end rampant subway groping. First, we're distributing 2,000 posters throughout the subway system that encourage people who are groped on trains to report it. Second, we're increasing police patrols on all subway cars, and third, we're inviting gropers and passengers who don't mind being groped to ride in our Designated Groping cars. The MTA: Making groping fun again."

"This is a CBS News Election '08 Update. In a new CBS News poll, voters were asked which nickname they preferred for the Obama-Biden ticket. The favorite Obama-Biden nickname is JOEBAMA, at 58%. In second place is OBIDEN, with 39%. And, in last place with 3%: JIDENAMACKOJOBA. Stay tuned to CBS for further updates. We now return you to Barnaby Jones, already in progress."

8/26/08 [2972]: In honor of Vice-Presidential nominee Joe Biden, we have another installment of "Get to Know Delaware." / video:

"Historic tourist attractions such as Independence Hall and the Franklin Institute, and breathtaking natural attractions such as the Allegheny National Forest can be found in Pennsylvania, which is right next to Delaware. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"In 1988, Joe Biden's Presidential campaign came to an end when he was accused of plagiarizing speeches. Well, it looks like Biden is up to his old tricks. Here's what Barack Obama said at 3 P.M. Saturday: 'to Springfield...' And here's what Biden said just 10 minutes later: 'to Springfield...' Disgraceful. John McCain: 'What time's Matlock on?' "

(live video of "Harry J. Letterman" in the green room) Dave tells Harry, who appears to be about 19 years old now, and is dressed in all black, that he loves him. Young Harry responds by throwing a bottle of beer against the wall and laughing, "Good one, Fatty."

"Barack Obama has been criticizing John McCain for not knowing how many homes he owns. John McCain responded by criticizing Obama for buying land with the help of convicted felon, Tony Rezko. In light of all this controversy over candidates' homes, Ralph Nader is proud to remind America that he lives in a one-room efficiency at the Night-Lite Residential Motel in Fort Lee, New Jersey. Ralph Nader: Washing his socks in the kitchen sink since 1965."

8/27/08 [2973]: interruption: Dave has to take a moment with cue card technician Tony Mendez to get on the same page on a joke. Tony thought Dave made a slight mistake, but it was Tony's boo boo. Dave promises Tony a nice retirement package. ••• during the monologue: Dave takes another of his audience polls on Obama vs. McCain. As usual, the second choice of candidates gets the most cheers and applause. ••• Vice-Presidential nominee Joe Biden is from Delaware. / "Get to Know Delaware" / video:

"In 1894, the Battle of Newcastle ended after General Thaddeus Rutland signed the Treaty of Engemoor in Delaware. I just made that up, because I don't know the first thing about Delaware. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"This is a CBS News Election '08 Update. Hillary Clinton has unequivocally thrown her support behind Barack Obama. However, as a diehard Clinton supporter..." (live video of a bearded announcer) "...I'm continuing to wear my pantsuit. Stay tuned to CBS for more election updates. We now return you to the Tony Orlando and Dawn Radio Hour, already in progress."

We see a very cheerful, slightly tubby male Democrat dancing like a jackass at the convention.

8/28/08 [2974]: desk chat: Dave has another of his stories about the pre-show audience question. Tonight he took a question from Tammy, who came in from Vancouver. No sooner had she been recognized than a thug seated next to her took over the question. ••• Joe Biden of Delaware is up for Vice-President. / "Get to Know Delaware" / video and voice-over:

"I've got nothin'. This has been 'Get to Know Delaware.' "

"Barack Obama. The son of a black man from Kenya and a white man from Kansas. Now, no matter what your politics, that is a moment for the history books."

(We see video of the Congressman waving and gesturing wildly in his speeches, with a peppy cartoon soundtrack.)

Biff's at Invesco Field, where tens of thousands will hear Barack Obama accept the nomination. Among those in the video montage are: Gayle King (whoever that is), Dennis Kucinich and Dr. G. Terry Madonna of Franklin and Marshall College (whatever that is). Up next is "Biff Henderson's 1-on-1 Interview with Michelle Obama," followed by "Biff Henderson's 1-on-1 Interview with Hillary Clinton." OK... these are just Biff hollering across the arena. Then we're treated to "Favorite Convention Memory with Bob Schieffer." This is a good one. Bob says he was covering the 1992 convention when the TelePrompTer™ broke, so he recited the lyrics to Funkytown, and no one knew the difference! We conclude Biff's historic stay in Denver with a visit with a Republican!

8/29/08 [2975]: roof cam: Our new friend, Wisconsin-Madison student Paul Thoresen, is back with us. He's filled up another batch of 55-gallon water balloons to test the earth's gravitational field. To review, these babies weight about 457 pounds. Parked eight stories below is a 1985 Chrysler Town and Country convertible, with fake wood side panels, 94,062 miles on the odometer, and loaded up with four funny-looking mannequins. Alan Kalter gives us all the details. / Weather Report: 76° F, 57% humidity, barometer 92.90, wind NW at 10 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Elliott Gould, by the way, is 70 years old today. / Paul, Pat Farmer and crew dump the balloon, which takes a glancing blow off the right rear door. Dave calls for a do-over, which is much better. ••• "Biff at the Democratic Convention" (He's not in a rush to get back to the Ed Sullivan Theater.) ••• video: tape from Paul's second balloon drop on 8/01/08, which seriously messed up a Chrysler LeBaron ••• Paul and Pat drop a third water balloon, which pretty much obliterates the mannequin in the driver's seat. ••• Dave calls for a report from Gaines on Paul's plane ticket from Wisconsin: a $436 round trip. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs Gym Teacher: The Movie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Kim Kardashian plugs Disaster Movie. ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• (Tonight's Top Ten was either canceled or edited out.)

9/01/08: REPEAT FROM 8/06/08

9/02/08 [2976]: desk chat: Dave delivers a random and possibly record-length desk chat, mostly focused on the Republican convention, just underway in Minnesota. The teenage daughter of the Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, is pregnant and single, but we're not supposed to talk about it. Dave suggests that Angelina Jolie might want to adopt the baby. We're not supposed to talk about candidates' families, but Dave does take the opportunity to remind us of Billy Carter and Billy Beer. Dave takes a little side trip, as he has done several times, to remind us that Sen. John McCain is a national hero. But if he should die in his sleep and Sarah Palin becomes President of the United States, Dave just wishes we could have a President who had taken five minutes to talk to his or her teenage kid about birth control. "Abstinence is a great thing," Dave observes, "I'm in year five." ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School / #1: "Hi. I'm Principal Dick, but you can call me Andy." ••• live via satellite from the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, Minnesota: Andy Kindler joins us from the Republican National Convention. / "Kindler's Komedy Korner": Andy's outside a men's restroom, looking for Senator Larry Craig. ••• Nicolas Cage plugs Bangkok Dangerous. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Anna Torv plugs Fringe, in her first talk show appearance. ••• Terrence Howard sings.

9/03/08 [2977]: Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience is being questioned by some Democrats. It turns out that her experience is excellent. / video:

"Many Democrats are attacking Sarah Palin for not having the foreign policy experience neccesary to be Vice-President, and not even having a passport until last year. But Palin has learned much about foreign policy as Governor of a state that's just 55 miles from Russia, from sharing a border with Canada and from her many visits to the International House of Pancakes®. Sarah Palin: In France, pancakes are called crêpes."

We're treated to a compilation of the former Senator clearing his throat 27 times while addressing the Republican Convention last night.

"In 1988, I was backstage at the convention in New Orleans with Dan Quayle, and before the convention I could tell he was a little nervous. He was wearing his pants on his head." / Andy's also seen with Joe Scarborough, discussing Britney Spears.

9/04/08 [2978]: desk chat: Dave has a new fascination with Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin. He revealed in the monologue that he has Sarah Palin glasses. Dave thinks she blew the roof off the dump with her speech at the convention last night. He looks over at Barbara Gaines and informs her that he wants Gov. Palin booked on the show. As usual, he calls Senator McCain a true hero, but now he wonders whether McCain and Palin should switch offices. Finally, Dave opines that Sarah Palin is going to put an end to ugly people in politics. ••• "Delegate of the Night" (a fat guy dancing) ••• Gaines delivers a card to Dave to let him know that she has contacted Gov. Palin's people by e-mail and telephone. ••• via satellite to St. Paul Minnesota: "Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention" and "Political Commentary with Andy Kindler" (Andy covers his eyes to pick a beverage, hinting that this was Sen. McCain's method for choosing Gov. Palin. He gets Blueberry Pomegranite, by the way.) ••• Robin Williams ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• video: We see Shannen Doherty entering on 53rd Street. ••• Shannen Doherty plugs 90210. ••• Duffy sings.

9/05/08 [2979]: outside cam to 53rd St. to meet Charles Austin: Charles won the gold medal in high jump in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, for a jump of 7' 10". / Weather Report: 80° F, 45% humidity, barometer 30.06, wind NW 6 MPH, visibility 6 miles ••• Charles makes a warm-up jump at 6' 6". ••• interruption: Dave gets a call on the prop dial phone from Randy, who likes Celine Dion. ••• Top Ten Ways to Make the U. S. Open More Exciting ••• outside cam: The high jump record for a 40-year-old is 7' ½". Charles attempts 7' ¾" and misses. ••• after commercial: Charles tries 7' ¾" again and misses. ••• John Malkovich plugs Burn After Reading. ••• outside cam: Charles misses 7' ¾" again. ••• Hayden Panettiere plugs Heroes. She likes whales. ••• Steve Earle with a musical tribute to Warren Zevon

9/08/08 [2980]: Our old friend, David Sanborn, is sitting in tonight. He has a new CD, Here and Gone. David hasn't sat in since December 29, 1998. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts. 2. John F. Kennedy: "As Americans we find Communism profoundly repugnant." 3. George W. Bush: "But specificially about our position on prostitution, I'm going to have to talk to the Secretary about it." ••• desk chat: Spurred by tonight's guest, Thomas Friedman, Dave has a long desk rant about the environment. He goes back and forth between serious and silly on the subject, but it's clear that he believes we're screwed. He complains that no one from either political party has stepped forward, and wants us to find alternative sources of energy. "We are dead meat," Dave proclaims. ••• Life is back to normal in St. Paul, Minnesota after the Republican National Convention last week. There's one little detail left. / video:

"The people of Minneapolis/St. Paul want to thank the Republicans for a terrific week. We were honored to host your wonderful convention, and wish you nothing but success in the fall. Oh... just one thing... we were wondering if you could get your gay Senator out of our airport's men's room. Larry Craig: Vehemently ungay."

"Sarah Palin is the first female Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, the first female governor of Alaska and the first beauty pageant contestant on a national ticket since John Edwards."

"The wrestling world lost one of its greatest with the recent death of Wladek "Killer" Kowalski. Although he retired from the ring in 1977, Kowalski remained active right up until the end, making public appearances, operating his own wrestling school and, in his final days, even attending the Republican National Convention." (picture of Barbara Bush) "So long, Killer. We'll miss you."

9/09/08 [2981]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "We don't need hair follicles. You know? Particularly if you have hair." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Apple rolled out a new iPod Nano™ today, and Dave has it. It's a handful, at about three feet high. And what's the first song our host loaded onto the thing? That's right: "Knock Three Times" by Tony Orlando and Dawn! ••• glass-breaking FX: Walter Brennan and "Supper Time" ••• Famous dictator Kim Jong Il may have kicked the bucket in 2003, with a body double playing him since then. / video: "Kim Jong Il: Dead or Alive?":

In confirmed photos of Kim Jong Il taken in 2002, the North Korean dictator appears short, somewhat chubby and in his early sixties; however, in photos taken in 2006, he appears to be actor Randy Quaid in a wig."

"Sarah Palin spent years in a Pentecostal church, in which some of the members spoke in tongues. While this is disturbing to many Americans, there is a precedent for someone in the White House speaking in tongues." (video of Pres. George W. Bush stammering, "Let me. Let me. Let. Let me. Let me.") "George W. Bush: 26% and falling."

9/10/08 [2982]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will be, enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody over a long distance, and it will seem like the person is right there in the room with you." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he's going to suck up to Barack Obama during the interview, so if he's President, he can go see him in the Oval Office. ••• desk chat: Until three weeks ago, Harry thought Dave worked for Mommy. (Dave is silent for the next 11 seconds, to allow that thought to soak in.) Now he's getting some idea that Daddy has a show. Harry has a new orange cat, which he named Orange. He's a cool cat, with wrap-around shades and a red Ball State hoodie. Dave calls Biff out to find a nice place for Orange on a bridge in the backdrop. ••• Senator Barack Obama ••• LeBron James ••• Something was edited out after the Orange segment.

9/11/08 [2983]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: There were Secret Service people all over the place yesterday with Barack Obama's visit. Dave claims that costumer designer Sue Hum was guessing their jacket sizes backstage. ••• Paul delivers dinner at 21 for a lady in the front row of the audience. For some strange reason, Dave decides to make his way to the audience for a smooch. ••• That hothead crackpot, Bill O'Reilly, had Barack Obama on The Factor the other day. / video:

O'Reilly and Obama go back and forth. They sound like they're speaking in tongues. (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

9/12/08 [2984]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we can have peace with honor. I believe in the future of the United States. 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 3. George W. Bush: "The U.N. Security Council resolution that we passed when I was the President was one of 16, I think. 16? 17? Give me a hand here. More than 15." ••• desk chat: A man from Alexandria, Virginia asked about Harry, who will be five in November. Dave reports that his heart is broken. Harry just started nursery school the other day, and he's joined a gang. ••• desk chat: Dave spends 4 min. 20 sec. introducing and plugging the Late Show Fun Facts book. It will be released and available on Amazon on September 23. The book retails at $19.95, but as of this writing it's $13.57 plus shipping. Dave hints that it might be a good idea to shoplift his latest publication. ••• outside cam to 53rd St. for high jumpers / Our first high jumper is Sharon Day, a recent graduate of Cal Poly. Her best jump is 6' 4¾". She did about 6' 1" in Beijing. Tonight she'll try 5' 10", and she makes it easily. / replay ••• desk chat: Dave may have gotten in trouble with a producer. After commercial, he says maybe we shouldn't shoplight the book, because they're not going to go easy on us if we do it. It's not like Dave's going to call the popo and say, "Go easy on him." He's going to say, "Throw the book at him." (He he.) The new plan is to read it in the store. ••• outside cam: Dusty Jonas of NU is up next. He jumped 7' 2½" in Beijing. Tonight he'll attempt 7' 4", and if he makes it, he'll get a shiny, new quarter from Dave. Dusty clears 7' 4"! Dave has Biff run the quarter out to him. / replay ••• Meg Ryan plugs The Women. ••• outside cam: Andre Manson, a graduate of Texas, is up next. He cleared 7' 4½" in Beijing, but his best is 7' 7¾". Andre tries 7' 5" tonight and makes it. / replay ••• Act 5: replays of the high jumps ••• Ricky Gervais plugs Ghost Town.

9/15/08: REPEAT FROM 8/01/08

9/16/08: REPEAT FROM 8/07/08

9/17/08: REPEAT FROM 9/02/08

9/18/08: REPEAT FROM 8/04/08

9/19/08: REPEAT FROM 9/04/08

9/22/08 [2985]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: ""Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "Are you having burritos for lunch?" ••• desk chat: There was a big moment for the Letterman household on Saturday. Harry has added soccer to his resume, as he has joined the Wizards. To make a long desk chat short, Harry picked up the ball. ••• Bill Clinton explains the state of the U. S. economy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "This week on the Late Show" ••• outside cam: Bill Clinton signing autographs outside ••• Chris Rock plugs his HBO special, Kill the Messenger.

9/23/08 [2986]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: The President does a shake-and-bake while looking for the person about to ask him a question at the Landon Lecture at Kansas State University on 1/23/06. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave explains that he's been a lifelong fan of the Ball State Fighting Cardinals, and he wants to talk about the football team (4-0). The Cardinal is the fiercest robin-sized bird in all the world. ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book, which became available today. He knows the economy's a mess. Supposing you only have one $20 bill left. What do you do with it? It's not enough for food or rent, and certainly not enough for gas. Fire up the Web browser and buy the book from Amazon, or wherever miscellaneous information is sold. ••• Top Ten George W. Bush Ideas for Fixing the Economy ••• "Lyle the Intern" (Jimmi Simpson) shows up after the TTL. We take a quick look backstage to meet Lyle's posse, Big Dog Rudy (Joe Grossman) and his rabbi friend. It seems that Lyle spent time at Fat Camp this summer. (Fat girls need love, too.) Lyle wants Dave to underwrite his bootleg movie operation. Dave, a somewhat upstanding citizen, declines, and Lyle says he's going to shank him in the still of the night. (I don't think Lyle was spanked enough when he was a youngster.) ••• Julianne Moore plugs The Blindness. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Tom Dreesen and Tim Reid ••• Kings of Leon sing.

9/24/08 [2987]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 3. George W. Bush: "So long as we remain true to our / eye / are / our / ideas." ••• desk chat: Senator John McCain had been booked for today's show for several days, and earlier today he canceled so he could go back to Washington as the Congress works on the financial mess we're in. But Dave doesn't think this smells right. He thinks someone's putting something in the Senator's Metamucil®. ••• Dave plugs the new Late Show Fun Facts book, which came out yesterday. ••• Photoshop fun: Citizens of New York City are quite excited about Governor Palin. The Statue of Liberty looks a lot like Sarah Palin now. ••• more desk rant: Dave reminds us that he considers John McCain a national hero, but does some more grumbling about the cancellation. ••• Magician David Blaine is in the middle of a stunt in which he's hanging upside down for 60 hours in Central Park. / video: Somebody accidentally drops him on his noggin. ••• after commercials: more desk rant: Why can't Sarah Palin carry on the campaign? ••• Top Ten Questions People Are Asking the John McCain Campaign ••• more desk rant ••• back to the TTL ••• Keith Olbermann ••• live video: We see Senator McCain getting make-up before an interview, right now, with Katie Couric. ••• back to Keith Olbermann ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Chandra Wilson plugs Grey's Anatomy, which has its fifth season premiere tomorrow. ••• Delta Goodrem sings. ••• Be sure to read the Wahoo Gazette for today to learn about the Late Show's mad scramble to replace a guest who was allocated multiple segments, all on an hour's notice.

9/25/08 [2988]: "Yeah," Dave remarks in his monologue, "McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: Before Julia Child came along, no one imagined it could be so interesting to watch a meal being prepared." ••• desk chat: Dave has more on Senator McCain's non-appearance last night. ••• "Larry King: Nice Outfit" (the usual suspenders get-up) ••• live via satellite from Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 7,025): Ten Alaskans present the Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sarah Palin. ••• Paris Hilton plugs Paris Hilton's My New BFF. / shots of boyfriend Benji Madden in the green room ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview" (Paris Hilton is Alan's guest. As every regular viewer of Alan's interviews would expect, he's managed once again to book a guest who was with Dave three minutes earlier. Alan is steamed. He says naughty words. He takes a walk. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Usain Bolt, Olympic gold medalist ••• Morningwood sing.

9/26/08 [2989]: Dave says, "Today I finally heard some news about the economy. One of the Lehman brothers was adopted by Angelina Jolie." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: The President, in a focus group, listens to a lady whining about her defective TV. ••• desk chat: Dave says Joe from New Jersey asked in the preshow questions if he could present tonight's Top Ten list. He's offering $13.20. Dave wants $20. ••• video: "Chris and Gerry's Tips for Green Living": Chris is somehow saving the environment by taking a bath in an office sink. (Count your blessings that you're reading it here and not seeing it.) ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Lassie was portrayed by nine different collies and a small alpaca. 2. The sun is powered entirely by solar energy.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: We see the set-up for tonight's concert. ••• Eddie Brill picks up a $20 bill from Joe Massamilla in the audience, and Dave lets him read the Top Ten Surprises in the Presidential Debate. ••• Lance Armstrong announces that he's going to race again. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Kristen Wiig plugs Saturday Night Live and Ghost Town. ••• TV on the Radio plays outside. (The Hello Deli Concert Series is sponsored by Explod-O-Pop® atomic popping corn.)

9/29/08 [2990]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 3. Uhh... first I... recognize... a momentous time..." ••• desk chat: Dave delivers a tribute to the late Paul Newman. It's entertaining and funny, and he makes sure we understand the extent of Newman's charitable work, which approached $250 million for various causes. ••• Top Ten Features of the Rejected $700 Billion Bailout ••• Julia Louis-Dreyfus plugs The New Adventures of Old Christine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Michael Cera plugs Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. ••• Pete Seeger sings.

9/30/08 [2991]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 3. George W. Bush: "Thanks for comin', and so who do you work for? ... That means you sell lamps?" ••• Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, which he claims has been added to Oprah's Book Club. ••• "Late Show 2008 Candidate Spotlight" with Sen. John McCain / video:

"My fellow Americans, I use Canadian quarters to buy Twixt® bars in Senate vending machines. What are you gonna do about it?"

10/01/08 [2992]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "I believe this economy..." (sorry, thought I had the tape started) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "John McCain: Presidential Material" / video:

We see George W. Bush trying to open a locked door, followed by Sen. John McCain trying to remember how he got on a stage.

Johnny Dark, as Dave's accountant, opens a window for Dave to jump out of. Jude Brennan plays the role of Dave's wife. Of course we all know that Fred Nigro is Dave's real accountant.

10/02/08 [2993]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "The President and the executive branch of government will support and ensure the carrying out of the decisions of the Federal courts." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "There are SBA loans for this, and I understand for some the word SBA means slow bureaucratic paperwork." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that for the first time, the CBSO will take part in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Paul claims he's going to be playing the glockenspiel. ••• show and tell: Dave has another of his talks about hard times, then informs us that we need to buy our copies of the Late Show Fun Facts book. (I got my copies yesterday.) Dave claims it's been added to Oprah's Book Club. (Would Oprah lead us astray?) ••• Gov. Sarah Palin's availability has been limited. Then Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric got her. The campaign defended her with this announcement. / video:

"Despite reports that we're afraid to have Sarah Palin face the media, the McCain campaign would like to point out that Governor Palin has now spoken at length with several prominent journalists. What have we learned about Sarah Palin so far?" (We see a series of clips, such as Katie Couric asking the Governor what newspapers she reads.) Voice-over: "Sarah Palin: Co-pilot of the Straight Talk Express."

"Congress is slowly moving closer to passing the emergency $700 billion bailout package. However, the crisis demands immediate action by political leaders. Therefore, in order to rescue the vitally important American company, Sara Lee, Al Gore has purchased 200,000 cheesecakes. Al Gore: Still Fat."

"A source close to the John McCain campaign says the Senator has been taking an herbal supplement to boost his memory. And while McCain admits there is some truth to the rumor, he has announced that he will immediately stop taking the memory supplement in a desperate attempt to forget this." (clip of Katie Couric quizzing Sarah Palin on Supreme Court decisions) "John McCain: 'What did I come in here for?' "

(numerous clips of his campaign promises, with the game show wrong buzzer heard after each)

10/03/08 [2994]: Note: Dave and crew came in to tape on Friday so they could put together timely material after the Vice-Presidential debate on Thursday night. Normally the Friday episode is taped late on Monday. What they produced was possibly the most biased episode ever. Every single segment on the debate, as you can see, poked fun at Sarah Palin. While Dave's opinions on the election may ultimately be right or wrong, rarely, if ever has he made his position this obvious. I must say the staff did a nice job with what they've been known to call the "Late Show Unfair Edit."

"Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "Doin' a better job of talkin' to one another. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doin'. (uses the wrong hands to demonstrate the idea) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave rehashes John McCain's no-show for Episode 2987 on September 24. The Senator promised to come back, and we're still waiting. "The road to the White House runs right through me," Dave reminds us. The Senator also suggested that he'd bring Sarah Palin. ••• There was an odd moment at the beginning of the debate last night. / video: We see Senator Hillary Clinton onstage with Senator Biden. ••• "A Message from Sarah Palin" / video:

"Wow. It's so obvious / that I'm not ready / to be the Vice-President." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"Your plan is a white flag of surrender," which she then repeats.

"But... I will tell Americans straight up that I / don't know what a Vice-President does." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"Joe Sixpack." "Hockey moms." "Ah, say it ain't so, Joe. There you go again." "Doggone it." "Nuclear weaponry." "Darn right." "And I'll betcha..." "Darn right." "And here's a shout out to all those third graders at Gladys Wood Elementary School." "Drill, baby, drill." "John McCain's maverick." "Consummate mavericks." "And the maverick from the Senate and put him in the White House..." "And I've joined this team that is a team of mavericks." "What do you expect? A team of mavericks." "A stinking corpse."

"I / have / no experience. / John McCain / should / get rid / of me." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/06/08 [2995]: "John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, I think I got a B in Econ 101." ••• desk chat: Dave says that Harry came up with the idea of sleeping in a tent over the weekend. Dave persuaded him to pitch the tent inside, upstairs. Then Harry wanted to scare Mommy in the middle of the night. His idea was to say, "Eat poop." ••• more desk chat: Ball State University, home of the Fighting Cardinals (the fiercest robin-sized bird in all the world) beat Toledo 31-0 over the weekend. They're 6-0! They're ranked for the first time ever, at #25 in the AP poll. ••• We've heard so much bad news about the economy lately, but finally there's something good. / video:

"Economists tell us we're on the verge of financial armageddon. The housing industry is near collapse. Banks are failing. Families are struggling. Yet somehow this weekend, Americans were able to spend $29 million on this." (clip of The Chihuahuas) "See? Things aren't so bad. George W. Bush: 'My dog's named Barney.' "

"Barack Obama is looking forward to his second debate with John McCain. His strategy is simple: #1: Keep the focus squarely on the economy. #2: Tie McCain to the failed strategies of the Bush administration, and #3: steal the batteries from McCain's hearing aid." (clip of Sen. McCain doing nothing but blinking, as a voice asks, "Senator McCain?") "John McCain: 'One for Cocoon, please.' "

10/07/08 [2996]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: ""Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "I just didn't like goin' to school." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• John McCain is accusing Barack Obama of being angry and touchy. / video:

"The economy is in crisis, the war in Iraq rages on and our nation's future hangs in the balance. At such a turbulent time, can America afford to have a hothead like this in the White House?" (video of Barack Obama, standing patiently at a podium, smiling and waiting to speak) "John McCain: America's friendliest Senator." (photo of a somewhat angry-looking Senator McCain)

"This is a CBS News Special Report. Because of our collapsing economy, I've just learned that I've been laid off. Good luck, ***holes. I'm going to get ****faced." (picture of a bottle of Jameson™ Irish Whiskey) "This has been a CBS News Special Report."

(video of Osama bin Laden in a tent) "For years, the most dangerous man in the world has eluded capture. President Bush has remained determined, never giving up the hunt. And finally, we have captured him. Oh. Wait. Wrong guy. We got him." (picture of O. J. Simpson) "George W. Bush: 26% and falling."

10/08/08 [2997]: cold open: We see Dave and Jude reading papers. "Dismal... horrible... unbelievable," Jude exclaims. "What is that," Dave asks, "Something about the economy?" "No," Jude responds, "I was just thinking about working here." "Oh, SNAP!" Dave says, smiling. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "I love to go walkin' out there, seein' the cows. Occasionally they talk to me." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave mutters about the length of the Presidential campaign. ••• We're in a depression, so Dave suggests that we go in a bookstore and read the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's part of Oprah's book club, you know. Dave reads from page 115. ••• "MSNBC News You Can Count On" / video:

"...and Sarah Palin is perfectly willing to touch it."

Yes, you guessed it! Kim Jong Il is in the audience, on the front row! (No, Dave didn't miss the chance to toss in his Mental Lee-Il quip.)

10/09/08 [2998]: Monica Trombetta announces for Alan Kalter. Michael Bearden sits in for Paul Shaffer on keyboards. (It's Yom Kippur.) ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we can have peace with honor. I believe in the future of the United States." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "Um. The. Umm." ••• Monica Trombetta with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave introduces Michael Bearden and Monica Trombetta. ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. He's still claiming it's in Oprah's Book Club, until the cease and desist order arrives. Dave previews page 23. ••• desk chat: Dave recaps the John McCain no-show on September 24. ••• "A Message from John McCain" / video:

"I have / hundreds / of homes / in all four corners of the earth." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") •••

Tom Brokaw asks, "Quick discussion. Is health care a privilege, a right or a responsibility? Senator McCain? Senator McCain? Senator McCain? Senator McCain? Senator McCain, thank you very much. Senator Obama?" (The Senator is off camera, and through the miracle of video editing, seems to be wandering aimlessly without answering the question.)

McCain: "Gold-plated Cadillac." "Overhead projector." "Hair transplants." "Nailin' Jell-O® to the wall." "Goodies." "Goodies." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks."
Obama: "Earmarks."
McCain: "Earmarks." "Earmarks."
Obama: "Earmarks." "Earmarks."
McCain: "Fanny." "Freddy."
Obama: "Fanny."
McCain: "Fanny." "Freddy."
Obama: "Fanny."
McCain: "Fanny and Freddy." "Freddy."
Obama: "Fanny."
McCain: "Franny and Freddy." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "My friends." "That one." "Stinkin' corpse." (I think you get the general idea.)

10/10/08 [2999]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..." ••• desk chat: Dave claims Harry has a part in Billy Elliott, which is (according to IMDB) a 2000 movie about a boy who's torn between his love of dance and the disintegration of his family. ••• "A Message from Sarah Palin": "I can / see / Iraq and Afghanistan / from Wasilla Main Street." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") ••• "Chris and Gerry's Tips for Green Living" / Our old friends are plugging the hybrid car. / video:

Chris: "You know, changing the kind of cars we drive can have a huge impact on our environment. We'll save money and gas, and cut down on harmful emissions if we switch to gas-electric hybrid cars." Gerry: "Speakin' of hybrids... remember the time you picked up that girl on 10th Avenue, and she turned out to be a guy. Remember that? You remember that, right?" Chris: "That's not exactly what happened, alright? The person was a little confused, that's all." Gerry: "It was exactly what happened. It was exactly what happened." Chris: "That's not exactly what happened, and why would you bring that up?" Gerry: "Because I enjoy it. I've told everybody I know that story." Chris: "Do me a favor..." Gerard: "It's a great story!" Chris: "Get your (censored) fat ass off my hybrid." Gerry: "I won't get my fat ass off of anything!" (Chris slams the door on Gerard's fingers.) Gerard screams in pain.

"Thank you. Thank you, Fatty. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin defied expectations in delivering an impressive performance in last week's Vice-Presidential debate in St. Louis. I, for one, was not surprised." (saxophone music) "Hey, Madam Governor. I know these long days on the campaign trail can be difficult. Why not take a break from discussing national security and natural gas pipelines? Let Big Red lay some pipe of his own. That's right. Together we can build a bridge to ecstacy. Is Big Red in favor of bipartisanship? Oh, you betcha. I will change positions as often as you ask me to, because when it's time for some hot, late night drilling, Big Red is the original maverick. While you continue to play up your status as a Washington outsider, Big Red's planning on being an insider, all... night... long." / Dave: "Alright, OK Alan, that's enough. Alright, please, Alan. Alan, please stop. You're makin' us sick again. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry about that. We'll be right back with the lovely Elizabeth Banks."

10/13/08 [3000]: interruption: Dave spots a hairbrush laying on the stage floor. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "I like to fish." ••• desk chat: Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, still a member of Oprah's Book Club (until she puts the smack down). Guess what?! There's a new bogus sticker on the demo book tonight. The book has just been awarded the 2008 Nobel Prize for literature. As a matter of fact, Dave is headed to Stockholm, Sweden tomorrow to pick up the prize. ••• more desk chat: Dave's excited. Ball State, home of the Fighting Cardinals, is 7-0, and yesterday moved up to #24 in the AP football poll, after defeating Western Kentucky 24-0 on Saturday. ••• after commercial: Dave pauses for a close-up on the mysterious brush, as requested by Homeland Security. ••• glass-breaking FX: Walter Brennan in "Supper Time" ••• video: "The Financial Crisis Isn't So Bad with Wacky Music" (cartoon music) ••• Shakira has endorsed Barack Obama for President. / video:

"Although she's not an American citizen, Shakira has endorsed Barack Obama for President of the United States." (clips of Shakira undulating in one of her videos) "We don't have a joke here. We just wanted an excuse to show this footage. You're welcome, America, from all of us at the Late Show."

"Joe Lieberman / and I / sometimes / hold / each other / naked." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/14/08 [3001]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. George Herbert Walker Bush: "And as President I can report to the nation, aggression is defeated. The war is over." 3. George W. Bush: "...that there be a stable Iran. Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence. I mean Iraq." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• sitting in: John Popper on harmonica ••• Voters don't like negative campaigning. The first negative campaign commercial occurred in 1876. / video: (in bogus Morse code) "Rutherford B. Hayes can suck it." ••• "A Message from John McCain" / video:

"I have / traveled all over the world / looking / for / really good / Jell-O®" (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"He captivated the nation with his memorable preformance as our 43rd President. Now Josh Brolin returns to the silver screen with his searing portrayal of someone who's an even bigger moron than Bush." (clip of Dave making animal noises) "Oliver Stone's DAVE. Coming spring 2009."

10/15/08 [3002]: cold open: Dave and Jude are visiting before the show. Jude asks, "Are you going to see the new George Bush movie?" Dave has a good laugh and replies, "If I wanted to watch a loser, I'd watch your show!" Giggling, Dave points across the room and says, "Oh, I think I read the wrong cue card. Dumb, right?" "Moron," Jude mutters as she stomps out of the room. "OK," an amused Dave replies as the opening montage rolls. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. George Herbert Walker Bush: "And as President I can report to the nation, aggression is defeated. The war is over." 3. George W. Bush: "These days he praises America's broad coalition in the Persian Gulf........ War." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: John McCain is supposed to be on tomorrow, after the Senator had to take a rocket-powered hovercraft to Washington to fix the economy. We'll see. Maybe McCain will make good on his hint that he would bring "Miss Alaska" along on the make-up visit. ••• Over the weekend, John McCain defended Barack Obama as a decent man, but continued attack ads. McCain's message has been called inconsistent. / video:

"John McCain has been unfairly criticized by the media elite for defending Barack Obama, while at the same time impugning his character with blistering attack ads. So allow us to clear this up, once and for all. John McCain believes Barack Obama is a decent, inexperienced, loving, untrustworthy, honorable, dangerous, responsible, terrorist-loving, steaming pile of wonderfulness! John McCain: I'm so very tired."

"I / keep saying / annoying little things like / 'maverick' / 'drill baby drill' and / 'doggone'." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/16/08 [3003]: "Late Show Debate Recap" / video:

Obama: "Screwy." "Kitty."
McCain: "Cockamamie." "Hatchet." Hatchet." "Scalpel"
Obama: "Hatchet." "Scalpel." "Scalpel."
McCain: "Hatchet and a scalpel." Spread the wealth around." "Spread the wealth." "Spread the wealth around." "Spread the wealth around." "Spread the wealth around." "Spread the wealth around." "Spread the wealth around." "Spread his wealth around." "I want Joe the plumber to spread that wealth around." "Joe, what's the verdict?" "The plumber." "Joe." "Joe." "Joe." "Joe the plumber." "Joe."
Obama: "Joe the plumber." "Plumber."
McCain: "Joe the plumber." "Joe Joe the plumber." "We're talkin' about Joe the plumber."
Obama: "Joe the plumber."
McCain: "Joe the plumber."
Obama: "Joe." "Joe." "Joe." "Joe."
McCain: "Joe." "Joe." "Joe." "Joe the plumber." "Joe." "Joe."
Obama: "Joe." "Joe."
McCain: "Hey, Joe."
McCain: "Joe." "Joe." "Joe." "Joe."
Obama: "George and John."
McCain: "George or Jack."
Obama: "Lilly Ledbetter."

"I / think that it is important for the federal government / to give / every single / American / a / kitty." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"America needs a new direction. / That's why / I / am voting / for Senator Obama." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/17/08 [3004]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." (March 8, 1983) 3. George W. Bush: "Most of 'em, after they get over the initial shock of seein' the White House, are then comin' through the shock on wonderin' how the heck I got there." (from the President's Landon Lecture at Kansas State University on January 23, 2006) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Oliver Stone's W. opened today. / video:

"From fun-loving Texas playboy to the leader of the free world, Oliver Stone presents an American saga, W. Starts Friday at theaters everywhere. Rated PG-13 for sexual references, brief disturbing war images, ineptitude, boorishness, unwarranted smugness, disinterest in facts, overconfidence, reluctance to read, laziness, lack of truthfulness, ethical lapses, inattention to detail and mild language."

"I wanted a piece of pie. You got some pie? What kind of pie? You baked some pie? Sweet potato pie? Well, they didn't have sweet potato pie. I'd enjoy some. I had some coconut cream pie. The governor had some lemon meringue pie. He's gotta have pie. 'Here you go, Senators. Here's your pies. The economy's so bad so they can't eat out. They can't buy my pie."

10/20/08: REPEAT FROM 9/11/08

10/21/08: REPEAT FROM 9/22/08

10/22/08: REPEAT FROM 10/06/08

10/23/08: REPEAT FROM 9/28/08

10/24/08: REPEAT FROM 10/09/08

10/27/08 [3005]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. John F. Kennedy: "And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: "May God bless you, and may Glod bless the American people." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave learned in the preshow visit that audience member Betty doesn't like her seat. He boots a guy in the front row for her. ••• desk chat: Dave's very happy. He's now predicting that the next NCAA football champion will be Ball State University. On Saturday they defeated Eastern Michigan 38-16, taking their season record to 8-0. Ball State is now #16 in the BCS standings. ••• desk chat: Dave promotes the Late Show Fun Facts book which, by the way, has just received the Nobel Prize for Literature. The book has received such a level of acclaim that Dave's now offering a money back guarantee. ••• In late October, people are now both excited about the Presidential campaign, and tired of it. / "A Message from Barack Obama" / video:

"I believe / that the only way / to get through this economic crisis / is to / get hammered right now." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"Al-Qaeda for John McCain. Hamas for Barack Obama. A lot of people are trying to tell the terrorist community how to vote, but every terrorist is different. That's why the Taliban is asking terrorists to make up their own minds. Ask yourself whose tax plan is better for small business owners trying to start their own terror organizations. Who supports vouchers, so you can send you child to the terror training camp of your choice? Who would you rather have a beer with, if the consumption of alcohol weren't strictly forbidden by Islamic law? Remember, democracy works best when we all make our voices heard, so get out there and rock the vote!" (picture of a Middle Eastern dude) "I'm Abdul the Plumber, and I approve this message."

"Hi, Dave. I was really wiped out for a few days, but I've bounced right back. And do you know what did the trick? Chicken soup!! They don't call it Jewish penicillin for nothing. And I'm under the constant care of a busty nurse. Va va voom. She's like a Pashtun Angie Dickinson. And, if any mullahs are listening, could you send over my crossword puzzle books? Gotta go, Dave. Bonnie Hunt is about to start."

"I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most God-loving, most patriotic part of America."

10/28/08 [3006]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we can have peace with honor. I believe in the future of the United States." 3. George W. Bush: "While these vacancies remain unfulfilled. Unfill. Unfilled." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: There's a man from Glasgow, Scotland in the audience. He's one of 17 kids. Dave has dinner at 21 for him and his wife, who's celebrating her birthday. Dave gives them an empty envelope with some scribbling on the address area. The details will be taken care of later. ••• desk chat: Dave reads passages from the Late Show Fun Facts book. ••• "A Message from John McCain" / video:

"Trust me. / When I'm President, I will / have a threesome / with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"As President, / I will / tax / your ass off." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/29/08 [3007]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: stammering... "I'm serious about it." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Barack Obama bought a half hour of network time tonight, and we have a clip: "Barack & Joe" (to the theme song from Laverne & Shirley) ••• On Friday, Joe McCain got stuck in traffic, called 911 and used the mother of all cuss words. Guess what! He's on the phone with Dave right now, and he pulls the same stunt again, because his baked zita hasn't arrived. ••• "A Message from Sarah Palin" / video:

"I / look / like / a / dental hygienist." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

10/30/08 [3008]: "Barack Obama's Stories of Real America" / video: Sen. Obama introduces a set of stories. In the first story, a very familiar-sounding CBS voice-over man begins,

"This is Sarah. She lives in Alaska. The political campaign she's been working at for two months of her life is going out of business. The campaign has previously paid for all of her health and beauty needs. So, with its collapse, she'll be left with staggering bills: "$10,000 a month for hair, $20,000 for makeup, $150,000 for clothing. Under an Obama Presidency, we'll offer training that'll teach Sarah how to live on a budget like a real American." (picture of Obama) "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message."

10/31/08 [3009]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: stammering... "I'm serious about it." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We go live via satellite to Coney Island to visit with Biff Henderson and Drew Jiritano. Drew has a 1,464-pound pumpkin rigged with explosives, and we're going to blow it up later in the program. ••• "A Message from Sarah Palin" / video:

"As mayor in Alaska, / I / spent / nearly a half billion dollars / digging / a hole / to Colombia." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

"I'm sick and tired / of Governor Palin." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

11/03/08 [3010]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 3. George W. Bush: "Thank you all very much. Please be seated." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that five years ago today, he was in a hospital for the birth of Harry J. Letterman. (Paul stepped in as host for GH25.) He tells us all bout the big day, and shows pictures of Harry, then and now. ••• Andy Kindler drops by to set up "Andy Kindler Spends the Day with Undecided Voters." ••• Ricky Gervais presents the Top Ten Stupid Things Americans Say to Brits. (Apparently our friends in Great Britain are not known for excellent dental hygiene and regular professional care.) ••• Paris Hilton plugs her new movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera. Dave and Paris are getting along quite nicely these days. In fact, it's only been 22 new episodes since her last appearance. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Get out and vote." ••• Jenny Lewis (with guest Elvis Costello) sings. ••• Elvis Costello sits down for a desk chat with Dave.

11/04/08: REPEAT FROM 10/14/08 (aired only on the West Coast on this Election Day)

11/05/08 [3011]: (I was careless and recorded the wrong channel, so today's episode log is from the written log and not videotape.) ••• monologue: "Sarah Palin is on her way back to Alaska, and I'm thinkin', "Oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "I, uh, and by the way, the enemy made their position clear when they..." (stammering) ••• desk chat: Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book which, as we all know by now, has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Fun Literature. ••• "A Message from John McCain" / video:

"Every candidate makes mistakes. Sarah Palin / was / mine." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

11/06/08 [3012]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "The opportunity for people to realize dreams is just as real in Panama City, ....... Panama." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Ball State beat Northern Illinois 45-14 last night. They're 9-0 now. Dave runs through a list of ranked teams that are not undefeated. ••• "A Message from Barack Obama": "As President of the United States, I will / publicly / torture / plumbers." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") ••• Top Ten New Revelations About Sarah Palin ••• "Kid Scientists" ••• Ben Stiller plugs Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. Ben does a science experiment. He eats some baking soda, then drinks some vinegar, and guess what? Steam comes out of both of his ears! We're also treated to a dental story. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for the Tony Mendez Show ••• Q-Tip sing.

11/07/08 [3013]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "I pledge myself to a new deal for the American people." 2. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 3. George W. Bush: "Our panelists are about to fall out, wondering. Alright... The old guy said, 'You're just not a potted plant.' " ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book, and reads to us for a bit. For example, did you you know that for the first years of his life, Barack Obama went by Barack Cougar Obamacamp? ••• "What Other People Are Saying About the Fun Facts Book" / video:

We're greeted by Alec Baldwin, who states, "This collection is not just another book of hackneyed zingers. It's a once-in-a-lifetime literary gem, that will mend the tattered bonds of the global community, and make all mankind stand up and say, 'Thank you, Dave.' Good night."

"Although the election is over, Barack Obama still has millions of dollars left, so he'll continue running commercials against people he doesn't like, such as Ryan Seacrest. You suck, Seacrest! Barack Obama: 'Oh, we're just getting started.' "

"Hi, I'm Late Show writer and strike captain, Bill Scheft. Like many of you, I'm excited by Tuesday's historic election results, and I congratulate President-elect Barack Obama. However, as a comedy writer, I'm worried. For eight years we've been spoiled by the hapless floundering of George W. Bush, and for eight years before that we did very well with world-class horndog, Bill Clinton. So please, President Obama, play fair with America's comedy writers, and occasionally trip over something, sneeze on a foreign leader or maybe even forget to wear pants. Only then will our nation's comedy writers join you in saying, 'Yes, we can.' Thanks, and God bless America."

Voice-over by Michael Z. McIntee: "This message brought to you by the National Council of Churches and viewers like you."

11/10/08 [3014]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. George Herbert Walker Bush: "And as President, I can report to the nation, aggression is defeated. The war is over." 3. George W. Bush: "Yes, sir. You're the guy. Are you the mic man or are you the questioner? Well... You're the questioner. Mic man? OK." (shrug) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Dave spots what he thinks may be a drop of blood on the top front of his desk. (resolution unknown) ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. He announces that the book will now be distributed to hotel rooms by the Gideons. ••• outside cam: The Tony Mendez/Stephanie Birkitt billboard above 53rd St. has had a makeover. The new billboard is unveiled. It's an ad for the Fun Facts book. The ad says, "Fun Fact: 62% of New Yorkers Are Mugged While Reading Billboards." (I know all the words in a sentence shouldn't be capitalized, but that's what the billboard says, so there.) ••• Barack Obama has leftover campaign money. / video:

"Although the election is over, Barack Obama has millions of dollars left, so he'll continue running negative commercials against people he doesn't like, such as Henry Winkler. Screw you, Winkler! Barack Obama: 'Oh, we're just getting started!' "

"November 10th, 2008. 70 days left. President Bush spent the day on the computer, Googling old girlfriends. This has been 'President Bush: The Final 100 Days.' "

11/11/08 [3015]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "Increased prosperity... it's mutually beneficial for Canada, the United States and, uh, America. I mean Mexico." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty / Dave thanks military veterans. ••• "President Bush: The Final 100 Days" / video:

"November 11th, 2008: 69 days left. President Bush spent the day annoying West Wing staffers with a laser pointer. This has been 'President Bush: The Final 100 Days.' "

"We have the results right here. In the case of this baby boy... King Tut, you are not the father." / The usual screaming fight is underway!

11/12/08 [3016]: cold open: Dr. Phil McGraw delivers a warning. / video:

"The program you are about to see contains disturbing images, mature themes, adult language, awkward silences, the rants of a desperate psychopath in a cheap suit and painfully-tired comedy."

• Orange Bowl scouts have been around to have a look at the Cardinals. Dave's dismissing that bowl. He'd rather see the kids playing on New Year's Day in the Rose Bowl, or in the Fajitas Guacamole Touchdown Bowl.
• Penn State's 9-1.
• USC is 8-1.
• Oklahoma is 9-1.
• The Longhorns are 9-1, too.
• Georgia Bulldogs? 8-2.
• Florida Gators? 8-1.
• Fighting Irish? 5-4.
• Ball State? 10-0!
• The Cardinal is the fiercest robin-sized bird in the world.

"November 12, 2008: 68 days left. President Bush spent the day ordering cowboy boots from Zappos.com. This has been 'President Bush: The Final 100 Days.' "

"All all the Secret Service went, "(jibberish)"

11/13/08 [3017]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "My lawyer is a Latino." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "A Message from Hank Paulson" / video:

"I believe / everyone / in the United States / would / like / to / touch / my / large, / smooth head." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

We see a still photo of Barack Obama, followed by his fist coming toward the viewer. (announcer: "Bump fist now.") (x3)

"In a recent interview, President Bush said when he leaves office, he'll be going from 100 miles per hour to near zero overnight. So this is George Bush at 100 miles per hour." (clip of the President: "On the streets of major cities...") (clip of the President waiting to go on the air, saying nothing) "George W. Bush: 'I need a vacation from my vacation.' "

11/14/08 [3018]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "This nation has tossed its cap over the wall of space, and we have no choice but to follow it." 2. George Herbert Walker Bush: "And as President, I can report to the nation, aggression is defeated. The war is over." 3. George W. Bush: "That's not a seersucker suit, is it?" ••• Dave announces Tribute Band Week, set for all next week. ••• CNN had a hologram image of Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas when Barack Obama won the Presidency. Now it has gone to their heads. / video: A hologram kitty shows up on CNN's The Situation Room. ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Slugs have four noses, which spells trouble for some of them during allergy season. 2. The loudest sneeze was heard over a distance of four miles.] ••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Spy Film ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up, sitting on a stool. ••• Bill sits down for an interview. / Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for Tribute Band Week ••• more Bill Cosby ••• The Answer sing.

11/17/08 [3019]: cold open: Dave is visiting with Johnny Dark about cold opens. Johnny wants to know if this one will be funny. Dave giggles and replies, "Probably not." Johnny suggests that they just fast-forward through it, and that's exactly what they do. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "Why should I care about Africa? What good does it do me?" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reports that Regina Lasko developed laryngitis on Thursday. (The entire horn section has laryngitis right now, by the way.) As a result, she spent the weekend whispering everything she said. Dave takes some time to mimick her unfortunate condition. It seems that Regina eventually checked with a physician, who informed her that whispering was the worst thing she could do. ••• "A Message from Barack Obama" / video:

"I have said repeatedly that / I intend to spend / the next four years / watching / wrestling." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

11/18/08 [3020]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 2. John F. Kennedy: "The purpose of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the Western Hemisphere." 3. George W. Bush: "I can't imagine... well... uh, you know... I... but... that's..." ••• desk chat: Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, first lady of France, is a guest tonight, and Dave's a little uneasy about how to behave. / video: We see a French version of the Late Show, and our host with a fake thin mustache and beret. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Barack Obama's Meeting with McCain ••• interruption: Lyle the Intern drops by. / shot of Joe Grossman, as Lyle's pal, backstage ••• Carla Bruni-Sarkozy ••• Jungle Jack Hanna ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Jack Hanna ••• The Cold Hard Cash sing. (They're a Johnny Cash tribute band.) ••• after the show: Carla Bruni sings in a Webcast. The former supermodel has a new CD entitled "Comme Si de Rien N'Etait."

11/19/08 [3021]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "He says quote, 'These programs...' he said 'the programs don't...' the programs quote... the programs quote' " (Good Lord, how on earth am I supposed to punctuate this mess?) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan come out. Chris is wearing some sort of giant dress, and he eventually provides a few what might tactfully be called immodest poses. Anyway, our friends eventually introduce their latest spoof, Knight Car (with Sarah Billington). Gerard is the voice of the car. ••• Katie Couric ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Dev Patel plugs Slumdog Millionaire. ••• Mr. Brownstone (a Guns N' Roses tribute band) sing.

11/20/08 [3022]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 2. John F. Kennedy: "All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin. And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: "The challenge facing the United States is that we have to be right one time. I mean 100% of the time." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Ball State University, where Dave served time, is emerging as the national champion. BSU beat Central Michigan last night, 31-24, in the snow. The Ball State Cardinal is the fiercest robin-sized bird in all the world, but you knew that. Ball State, 11-0, is ranked #14 nationally this week. Let's take a moment to review the season records of other football powerhouses.

• USC: 9-1
• Ohio State: 9-2
• Nebraska: 7-4
• Penn State: 10-1
• Texas: 10-1
• LSU: 7-3

11/21/08 [3023]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "There's no, no borders been withdrawn in that sense, uh, Stretch, it's a, it's a, uh, it is a Kosovo's a, you know..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's being placed by the Gideons. For the first time this fall, Dave claims that it's the perfect stocking stuffer. Dave reads passages from page 33. ••• "Fun Facts" / interruption: Regis Philbin drops by. / more "Fun Facts" ••• James Franco plugs Milk, and talks about kissing Sean Penn. ••• interruption: Regis shows up again. ••• Bruce McCall plugs his new book, Marveltown. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• more Bruce McCall ••• The Allstarz (a James Brown tribute band) sing.

11/24/08 [3024]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 2. John F. Kennedy: "All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin. And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: "I mean..." (stammering) "Tell me why I say..." (stammering, unintelligible) "I think they're cost effective." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We're worried about the economy, but good news: Barack Obama is a genius, and he has the economy under control. / video:

"President Elect Obama knows Americans are deeply concerned about the troubled economy. That's why he and his advisers have devised a bold, yet secret plan to generate billions of dollars in emergency funds." (picture of a stack of $100 bills) "To learn the confidential details, send $10,000 to Secret Economic Plan, P. O. Box 9800, Washington, D. C. 20225. Enclose an additional $1,000 to find out why he'd like an additional $1,000. Barack Obama: Now that's the audacity of hope."

• Biff Henderson shouts, "Look out! Runaway blue card!" as the card emerges from a theater door.
• An unsuspecting young man has his forehead sliced open by the card.
• As the card makes its way by the Roseland theater on 53rd St., it removes a gentleman's toupee.
• The card then causes a gentleman of Japanese descent to drop his entire Starbucks® order on Broadway.
• Its image is captured on an unsuspecting tourist's photo.
• The rascally card then flies through an open window of a startled taxi driver (Michael Z. McIntee).
• Finally, the card whacks Alec Baldwin in the nuts.

11/25/08 [3025]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 2. John F. Kennedy: "The purpose of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the Western Hemisphere." 3. George W. Bush: "We have researchers who have drilled into glaciers, isolated the DNA of mobile genes and pioneered the distributive feedback laser." (The President then raises his eyebrows in wonderment that he just said that successfully.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has one of his longer desk chats, as he runs us through his latest encounter with audience preshow questions. A lady in the back of the audience wanted to talk about Teri Garr's frequent appearances, and Dave's chemistry with his guest. She said, "I always thought maybe you were going to do her right there onstage." ••• It's that time of year, when the President pardons the turkey. Dave's decided that he'll join in on the fun by pardoning an audience member. / Alan announces that the lucky audience member is James Preston. As Dave pardons Mr. Preston (Walter Kim, Creative Director for Digital Media), we learn that James is excused from sitting through the rest of the taping. "Fly like a bird," Alan exclaims. ••• Television people often risk their lives for the home viewers. Matt Lauer of Today is the latest TV hero. He's underwater with scuba diving equipment. / video: Moments later, he's bitten in half by a disagreeable shark. ••• Top Ten Signs President Bush Doesn't Care Anymore ••• Reese Witherspoon plugs Four Christmases. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Dave shows the new Fisher-Price® Rusty Can. (It's $40.) He and Reese had mentioned how kids often prefer the cardboard box the fancy toy came in. ••• Harry Connick, Jr. interview ••• Harry Connick, Jr. sings.

11/26/08 [3026]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, I, I, believe government ought to incent people to go, to be able to, have available, on incent... on a change in system..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Ball State played last night, and guess what! They're 12-0, as they defeated Western Michigan 45-22 last night. Dave wants Ball State to play in the Orange Bowl. He shows us a "Go Ball State Go" poster they put together. As we know, Ball State has had a whole lot of free advertising this past month on LSDL. / video: Dave shows a clip of the Ball State Marching Band spelling "DAVE" and playing the Late Show theme song. ••• space update: There has been quite a bit of EVA action on the International Space Station recently. One of the astronauts was out and about the other day, and forgot to tether a tool box. As we all know, what goes up must come down, and the thing has reentered the atmosphere. / video: Rachael Ray is vaporized during a cooking demonstration. / this just in: Gaines says she's OK. ••• We've been feeling a little melancholy about the Bush administration. / "President Bush: The Final 100 Days" / video:

"November 26th, 2008. 54 days left. President Bush spent the day filling out change of address cards for his golf magazines. This has been 'President Bush: The Final 100 Days.' "

Joe Grossman, as a NASA scientist in a white lab coat, is conducting a Urine Filtration System Test. The scientist pours several hundred milliliters of liquid from a beaker into a drinking glass, then takes a nice drink of it. He contemplates the experience for a moment, then quietly says, "No. No good."

11/27/08 [3027]: show opening: two unknown babes, as pilgrims, on Hi Ho duty ••• interruption: Tony Mendez corrects Dave on a monologue joke. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "I... maybe you've never had a President say this... I have, like, no earthly idea what you're talkin' about." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave promos the upcoming visit with Dorothy, and explains the pie-guessing trance he will go into. He also recaps past pies:

• 2007: writer's strike / no show
• 2006: pumpkin, apple
• 2005: got distracted and didn't give it
• 2002: pumpkin, raspberry
• 2001: pumpkin, lemon chiffon
• 1999: pumpkin, red raspberry chiffon
• 1993: orange pumpkin pie with whipped cream and hickory nuts

• pumpkin (no)
• fruit category (no)
• just dough (no)
• nuts (yes)
• hickory nut (no)
• hazelnut (no)
• walnut (no)
• peanut (sort of... peanut butter!)
• strawberry (no)
• Chuck Berry (no)
• Halle Berry (no)
• sugar cream (no)
• Paul guesses rhubarb (no).
• Dave asks for a hint. It's a nut pie. Dave guesses pecan pie (yes)!

11/28/08 [3028]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 2. John F. Kennedy: "All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin. And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: "Look, I did't like to take tests, either, but that's too bad." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Thanksgiving Weekend Travel Advisory" / video:

"Attention air travelers using Denver International Airport: On the upper level of Concourse B, Senator Larry Craig is lurking in the third stall of the men's room. You've been warned. This has been a 'Thanksgiving Weekend Travel Advisory.' "

"In 2005, George W. Bush pardoned two turkeys named Marshmallow and Yam. They were then taken to a farm in Virginia, where Marshmallow lived out his life in peace and contentment, while Yam returned to a life of crime, stealing cars and robbing liquor stores before being imprisoned in 2006. This has been 'Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now.' "

"How are you? I know you think when a big-time Hollywood megastar wants to have some laughs, he probably kicks back with some of his bigshot movie star friends and a few Singapore Slings. When I'm looking for a really good time, I open the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's fun, it's factual, and the only hangover you'll have is the headache from laughing your nuts off. Hang on a minute." (Bruce turns to the book.) "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Haaa! It's yippee-ki-larious."

12/01/08: REPEAT FROM 11/12/08

12/02/08: REPEAT FROM 11/13/08

12/03/08: REPEAT FROM 11/03/08

12/04/08: REPEAT FROM 10/17/08

12/05/08: REPEAT FROM 9/10/08

12/08/08 [3029]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: (clip of the President, seated by Laura) gettin' down to some singer ••• desk chat: Ball State played the University of Buffalo for the Mid-American Conference championship. They lost 24-42, but they're still ranked #23, and will play in the GMAC Bowl on January 6. ••• desk chat: Hillary Clinton will be our next Secretary of State, so she'll have to resign her Senate seat. Guess what! Dave announces that he will be the next Senator from New York. ••• This is exciting. Tonight is the Late Show's first Christmas tradition. / clip: The Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree was recently lighted, and a giant kitty knocks the thing right over. (Apparently the rat was on strike this year.) ••• "President Bush: The Final 100 Days" / video:

"December 8th, 2008. 42 days left. President Bush spent the day making paper hats out of classified memos. This has been 'President Bush: The Final 100 Days'."

"What I want to do is to / spend / the next several years / in the White House, / smokin' in the bedroom." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

12/09/08 [3030]: monologue: "Thank you. Thank you. How're you doin'? Thank you very much, folks. Welcome to the Late Show... still at 11:35." (Today it was announced that Jay Leno will get a prime time show of some kind.) ••• a special announcement from CBS: / video:

"On Tuesday, NBC announced a bold new programming move giving Jay Leno a nightly one-hour variety show at 10 P.M. In a move to bolster our own programming schedule, CBS is pleased to announce we're giving David Letterman an earlier time slot, as well. So tune in the all-new Late Show at 4 A.M., following the Slanket™ infomercial. That's right: Slanket™, the world's first blanket with sleeves. You've never known such comfort. Only on CBS."

12/10/08 [3031]: interruption: Dave stops in the middle of a joke to ask Tony Mendez, "Now what are you doin' to me?" (Everything's fine.) ••• video: Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing in a clip entitled, "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• video: "Rod Blagojevich News Recap": clips of 25 news anchors referring to the scandalized Illinois governor's profanities as varieties of bleeps ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. George Herbert Walker Bush: "And as President, I can report to the nation, aggression is defeated. The war is over." 3. George W. Bush: "The best way to defeat this enemy in the long run is to deny them the recruiting tools that are and, and recruitaments made, made possible by resentment." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Chad from Brooklyn asked about Harry in the pre-show questions. When Dave reciprocated by asking Chad if he had kids, he responded, "No... I mean, yes." ••• The San Francisco 49ers hired Mike Singletary as coach in October 2008. Long story short: Mike wants to be on the Late Show, and we've got him! / split screen: Mike is unresponsive to Dave's questions. That's because he's on tape! ••• Mike again ••• "A Message from George W. Bush": "I just / cannot / quit drinking." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") ••• Mike Singletary again ••• Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine ••• Mike Singletary again ••• Keanu Reeves plugs The Day the Earth Stood Still. (Keanu plays Klaatu.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" and a plug for the Late Show Fun Facts book ••• Mike Singletary again ••• Paula Abdul plugs some sort of worthless products. / video: Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing ••• Loudon Wainwright III sings. ••• [Note: A little research reveals that the unresponsive Mike Singletary is actually receptionist Art Kelly.)

12/11/08 [3032]: It's been quite a while, but we have a new Osama bin Laden video:

"I swear that we will continue our jihad and defeat the infidels. And by the way, if it's still available, I'd like to put in a bid for that Illinois Senate seat. I'll make you a rich man, Blagojevich. Call me. Oh, and death to America. Oh, and Merry Christmas."

12/12/08 [3033]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "Our defense is not only strong, it is awesome, and it is respected elsewhere." 2. Ronald W. Reagan: "I am not frightened by what lies ahead, and I don't believe the American people are frightened by what lies ahead." 3. George W. Bush: "...doin' a better job of of talkin' to each other. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doing." (The President uses the wrong hands to demonstrate.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. ••• "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• "Fun Facts": 1. Despite centuries of study, scientists can't figure out why underwear singular and underpants is plural. ••• Meryl Streep (who is suffering from a horrible upper respiratory thing) plugs Doubt. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Jeff Altman ••• "A Sneezing Monkey" (namely, Jeff Grossman's monkey, Sherman)

12/15/08 [3034]: Muntazer al-Zaidi (or Muntadhar al-Zeidi, depending on who you ask), a worthless bastard from Baghdad, threw his shoes at George W. Bush over the weekend, and also called him a doggie. / video (with voice-over by the guy who does the Osama voice-overs):

(al-Zaidi to the President): "Look at these beautiful Rockport® walking shoes I just bought from Zappos.com. Try them on. Here. Try the other one on, too." (clip of George W. Bush dodging airborne shoes)

12/16/08 [3035]: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 3. George W. Bush: "They want us to leave. That's what they want us to do. And I think the world would be better off if we did leave. If we didn't... if if if. If we left, the world would be worse." (Once again, since airborne shoes are the topic of the week, we have FX shoes flying during the Presidents' remarks.) ••• desk chat: Senator Clinton is going to be the next Secretary of State. Dave has decided that he would like to be the new Senator from New York. He shows a letter from New York Governor David Paterson in which he is invited to accept the office. He's been annointed, to be exact. Dave reads the Governor's Top Ten reasons that Dave should accept. ••• In the Arab world, throwing a shoe at someone is a big-time insult, as President Bush learned over the weekend in Baghdad. To learn more about the situation, we have "Symbolic Gestures in Iraq" / video:

"In Iraq, throwing a mitten at someone means 'I love what you've done with the house.' Throwing a sweater vest at a man means 'I would like permission to marry your daughter.' And pushing someone down the stairs means 'Thank you for the tasty meal.' This has been 'Symbolic Gestures in Iraq.' "

12/17/08 [3036]: a new holiday tradtiion: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: "It's just a, uh, I, I can't answer your question beyond, uh, beyond that, that, you know, people just need to be... uh..." (Once again, since airborne shoes are the topic of the week, we have FX shoes flying during the Presidents' remarks.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Jennifer Aniston's magazine pictures ••• We're in a fiscal crisis. Governor David Paterson of New York has put an 18% tax on pop. Dave and Paul have a discussion, and finally agree that the tax is on non-diet pop. "They call it a fat tax," Paul says. Dave shows what the marketing geniuses have come up with: Sprite® with loose change! ••• George W. Bush goes to say goodbye to all of his friends in Iraq, and a journalist throws shoes at him (without any intervention by the Secret Service, by the way). Three days later, there is already a way to deal with similar incidents in the future. / video:

(clip of the President dodging footwear) "An Iraqi journalist shocked the world on Sunday by throwing his shoes at President Bush. Fortunately, the President ducked just in time, but he wouldn't have been in danger if he had the Executive Deluxe Anti-Shoe Podium™ from Podi-Tech®. Our patented, Infrared Shoe-Ceptor™ technology scans the immediate airspace for incoming footwear, including shoes, boots, sandals and even some slippers, and neutralizes them instantly, so you never have to duck. Podi-Tech®: protecting Presidents from airborne footwear since 1936."

12/18/08 [3037]: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." (Johnny ducks airborne shoes.) 3. George W. Bush: "...concluded agreements with Poland and Czech Republic, to establish missile defense sites on their territories to help protect against ballissile missile attacks from the Middle East..." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. He's answering a plea from the World Health Organization to make feel people better (for about 20 bucks). ••• desk chat: Dave and Harry got a DVD of The Polar Express, in 3-D, to watch over the weekend. Harry didn't last long. His eyes hurt. (Dave gives us his best Harry impression.) ••• Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Songs (presented onstage by the Late Show Cobblestone Carolers) This is always a funny segment, regardless of what they call the carolers that year. ••• Will Smith plugs Seven Pounds. ••• Act 5: promo for the latest Tony Mendez Show episode, "Mistle-Tony" ••• more Willl Smith ••• Of Monreal sing.

12/19/08 [3038]: It's a holiday music sensation: "A Plaxico Burress Christmas" / video:

"Make the most wonderful time of the year extra special with the latest holiday music sensation: 'A Plaxico Burress Christmas.' " (FX: gunfire) "You'll love Plaxico's take on all your favorites, like 'Deck the Halls'..." (gunfire in time with the music) "...'Little Drummer Boy'..." (semiautomatic weapon fire and machine gun fire in sync with the drums) "...and 'Silent Night'." (innocent citizen shouting, 'He's got a gun,' followed by machine gun fire) "Act now and receive a delightful, unlicensed firearm of your choice. 'A Plaxico Burress Christmas', available at fine retailers and gun shops everywhere."

12/22/08 [3039]: monologue: "It's so cold" jokes ••• Bernie Madoff has been caught in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme. It's the holidays, and he wants to apologize. / video:

"At this time of forgiveness, Bernie Madoff would like to apologize to all the people he hurt with his elaborate Ponzi scheme. But somehow, a mass apology doesn't feel like enough. That's why Bernie would like to give anyone who wants one a personal, handwritten apology. Simply send a check for $59.95 to:

Bernie Madoff Apology Request
1019 5th Avenue
New York, New York 10019

Bernie Madoff: Let the healing begin."

12/23/08 [3040]: show opening: Hi Ho babes (unfortunately, not Nadine or Andrea) in Santa suits welcome Dave to the stage. ••• video: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" (x2) First you have the honk. Then you have the conventional sneeze. Then Sherman looks around like someone should hand him a Kleenex™. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." (cut short by a flying shoe) 3. George W. Bush: The President, accompanied by Laura, is dancing along and playing a drum with some sort of native performance, who knows where. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Paul Shaffer does his annual imitation of Cher singing "O Holy Night." (She had a muff. Paul always takes a few moments to collect his thoughts after reporting that detail.) ••• Top Ten Least Popular Mall Stores ••• Jay Thomas tells his awesome Lone Ranger story, then faces Dave for the 10th time in the "Late Show Quarterback Challenge" Christmas tree version. The celebrity quarterbacks have several near misses with their footballs as they try to remove the meatball from the Statue of Liberty atop the Christmas tree. They even spun the Statue of Liberty a few times. Jay eventually gets it done. (Anna Jack on hula hoops, and Kiva Kahl on grinder) The traditional pizza is in place, as usual, but it wasn't our target. ••• Mickey Rourke plugs The Wrestler. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Happy holidays." ••• more Mickey Rourke ••• Darlene Love sings "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." Bette Sussler assists Paul on keyboards. Is there a better television tradition anywhere? This is simply the best.

12/24/08: no show (Christmas eve)

12/25/08: REPEAT FROM 11/20/08

12/26/08 [3041]: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" / Dave enjoys the three-part action: 1. the wind-up 2. the sneeze 3. Sherman looking around, hoping to receive a gesundheit / repeat performance ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 3. George W. Bush: "Are you having burritos for lunch?" (all enhanced with FX flying shoes) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Ever since an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at George W. Bush on Dec. 13, it's been a huge topic. In fact, the designer of that style of shoe has gotten thousands of requests for that shoe. Well, we can top that story, ladies and gentlemen. The right-foot shoe thrown at the President is on split screen with Larry King right now, being interviewed. ••• As we know, Roger Goodell of the NFL wanted 49ers coach Mike Singletary to be on the show, and we've got him! / split screen of Mike (who looks ever so much like receptionist Art Kelly) visiting with Dave / Coach Singletary is quite a bit more responsive than he's previously been. Oh, sure, he has some mini-rants, but at least he's ranting about the questions Dave asks. ••• desk chat: Dave explains how $50 billion swindler, Bernie Madoff, has now swindled a Dominoes® delivery guy out of $20. ••• NASA is apparently going to auction off the space shuttles in its inventory. / video:

"For just $42 million, one of NASA's retired space shuttles can be yours. Choose from the Discovery, the Endeavor or the Atlantis. Your purchase will include ferry service on top of a jumbo jet to the airport of your choice, as well as a T-shirt that reads 'I'm the rich idiot who just spent $42 million on a giant space plane lawn ornament.' NASA: Australian for Beer."

12/29/08: REPEAT FROM 11/25/08

12/30/08: REPEAT FROM 12/12/08

12/31/08: REPEAT FROM 11/17/08

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.