 4/07/08: REPEAT FROM 1/17/08 [2853]: desk chat/rant: Dave was watching the National Geographic channel last night. They were showing a wild hippopotamus. Also, they had a guy who had built a hippopotamus device that would visit the hippopotamus. Dave wonders what kind of dumbass builds his own hippopotamus device. "The hippopotamus doesn't want you out there. I don't want you out there. And... and big deal... just because you can build your own hippopotamus device, bring it upstairs to the living room and show your wife, and take it back downstairs. Don't go bothering a hippopotamus," Dave suggests, "What is wrong with people?!" ••• sitting in on harmonica and vocals: Bruce Willis ••• The new movie, Cloverfield, is about a crazy monster that goes nuts. The producers have been careful to not reveal much about the monster that destroys New York City. / video: "Some thing has found us. On January 18, experience the event that will change everything, and behold a monster so horrifying that it will take your breath away." (Cue picture of the Geico® gecko, who asks, "Are those clams?") "Starts Friday." ••• Lost photos of Abraham Lincoln's second inauguration in 1865 have been found at the National Archives. / We see a photo of Abe holding a stovepipe hat over his midsection. ••• The Bucket List is an interesting film about things you want to accomplish before you kick the bucket. A couple of weeks ago, Dave did something that was on his list. / We see Dave, with goggles and a helmet, skydiving. He's never felt so alive. Then we see the green screen used to fake the scene. Paul drops by to ask what he's doing. "Jackass," Paul mutters. ••• Scientists in Hungary have developed a device that can interpret dogs barking. It has far broader applications. / video: "In a stunning technological breakthrough, scientists in Hungary have created a computer program that can decipher a dog's barking. And, with a little more research, they hope to use the same technology to decipher the inscrutable sounds made by other creatures." (Cue clip of President George W. Bush stammering.) ••• Dave shows a picture of the guy in the hippopotamus device. / desk chat/rant: Dave hopes a real hippopotamus either eats the guy inside the device or tries to mate with him. ••• "Late Show Prize Giveaway" / Alan Kalter informs us that everyone in tonight's audience will get a Sharp® LCD TV, a Sony® PlayStation™ 3 or $1000 in cash. / Pat Farmer spins the prize wheel to the CBSO playing Blood, Sweat & Tears' "Spinning Wheel," but there seems to be an irregularity. / FIRE! / We'll have to try again another night. ••• Top Ten Signs a Police Officer Is Too Fat (A New York City officer who weighs 500 pounds is the topic of tonight's TTL.) (#8: Uses powdered sugar to dust for prints.) ••• desk chat: Dave says the hippopotamus guy built a chicken last week, and he has a picture to prove it. ••• Sylvester Stallone plugs Rambo. ••• Paul Teutul, Jr. and Paul Teutul ••• The Mars Volta sing. This was possibly the all-time worst musical performance on the Late Show. ••• outside cam: Dave, the Teutuls, Bruce Willis and others ride. 4/08/08: REPEAT FROM 2/27/08 [2882]: Barack Obama told Entertainment Tonight yesterday that he'd like Will Smith to play him in a movie. / video: "In a recent interview, Barack Obama said that the actor who could best portray him onscreen is Will Smith. Similarly, when John McCain was asked who would be best-suitted to portray him in a movie, the Senator said a 150-year-old Galapagos tortoise." (Cue split screen of the Senator and a turtle.) "John McCain: He is old."••• [glass breaking FX: horn] ••• When Fidel Castro stepped down, his newspaper column was discontinued. / "Reflections of Comrade Fidel" ••• Starbucks® shut down their stores yesterday for three hours to fine tune. Dave heard that and decided the Late Show should try fine tuning by going to black, and that's just what we do. (Cue silent black for about five seconds.) ••• The Writers Guild of America strike is over. A new contract has been ratified. / We have two gentlemen onstage: David Young, Executive Director of the Writers Guild and Nick Counter (AMPTP President). The gentlemen exchange a warm handshake. Then they share a hug. Then they begin making out, for what seems to be several hours. Ewww. ••• Dave tells us that President Bush remains optimistic about the economy. / video: "Despite recent ominous financial reports and dismal economic indicators, President Bush would like to make it clear to all Americans that the United States is merely in a slowdown, not a recession. Just like the situation in Iraq is a setback, not a defeat. And just like he is a moron, not an idiot. George W. Bush: Only 327 days left."••• backstage cam: Young and Counter, making out (Ewww.) ••• "Andy Kindler at Toy Fair '08" (with Lou Aronne, M.D., Lisa Callahan, M.D. and audio engineer Jim Murray) (Andy crashed and burned on a pogo stick, leading to x-rays and examination of his kidneys.) ••• ["Kid Scientists" / 1. Kristen French with gravity-defying water 2. Victor Wang with a vortex generator 3. Sam Mather with a vacuum cleaner hovercraft] ••• Natalie Portman plugs The Other Boleyn Girl. ••• Act 5: Young and Counter making out ••• Kenna (with Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo) sing. 4/09/08: REPEAT FROM 2/25/08 [2880]: desk chat: Dave refers to an audience guy's pre-show question, "What's the deal with Worldwide Pants?" ••• [audio FX: "The Crusher" by The Novas (many more to come tonight)] ••• All the acting Oscars went to non-Americans last night. Here we see Mr. Osama bin Laden with his acceptance speech: "I'm sorry I can't be there to accept this award in person, but I'm on location in Kabul filming a romantic comedy with Muqtada al-Sadr and Debra Messing. Anyway, I'd like to thank three of my five wives, my friend and partner Ayman al-Zawahiri for always believing in me, my fabulous director, Norman Jewison..." (Cue hurry-up music.) "Oh, crap! Don't play me off yet! And Hal Holbrook. You deserve this award more than I do, Hal. God bless you all, and death to America."••• [FX: "The Crusher"] ••• Fidel Castro stepped down last week. His brother, Raul, is in charge, and we have him on the phone tonight. / Call: "Hi, everybody! It's me, Raul, your friendly neighbor to the south. Don't miss Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro. It's a comedy three-pointer." (Cue dial tone.) ••• Gary Busey (Mr. Joshua) was around the red carpet at the Oscars last night, kissing women and interrupting interviews. / video: Busey kissing Jennifer Garner / video: "Hung over this morning? Excedrin® can help. Excedrin®: What's the alternative? Not drinking?" ••• [FX: moo] ••• The Pentagon shot down the spy satellite last week. / video: the missile shot and a New York pedestrian getting hit in the jewels by falling debris ••• [FX: "Old Turkey Buzzard"] ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages are even now being written." 3. George W. Bush: "I thank the state and local officials awards. Thanks for your remarks. They were awesome." ••• desk chat: Dave has a handful of Late Show pencils, and he informs Barbara Gaines that he wants all new "glass-breaking" sound effects. ••• [FX: claxon] ••• [FX: "Oh, the humanity."] ••• "Small Town News" / Dave calls out our old pal, Bob Borden, because he looks just like someone in one of the ads he just showed. ••• [FX: animal roar] ••• [FX: tinkle] ••• [FX: that horror movie sound] ••• [FX: seagulls] ••• outside cam: Will Ferrell signing autographs before coming in ••• Dave apologizes to a small town newspaper, The Original Irregular for not knowing it is real. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards ••• [FX: ?] ••• Will Ferrell plugs Semi-Pro. / After his interview, Will (along with a chorus of four kids) surprise us with a number from The Sound of Music. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tuesday on the Late Show" ••• more on The Original Irregular ••• "Alan Kalter's Academy Awards Roundup" / The guy who always beats up Alan beats up Alan. ••• Michael McDonald sings. 4/10/08: REPEAT FROM 3/10/08 [2885]: The governor of New York was accused today of involvement with a prostitution ring. / on the phone: Eliot Spitzer (who sounds like Fidel's brother, Raul) says, "Hi, everybody. It's me, the Love Gov. I just want everyone to know everything's just fine, and I look forward to continuing to whore it up in Albany." ••• The primaries in Florida and Michigan may have to be done over. / video: "In order to properly assign delegates, some Democrats want to restage the Florida and Michigan primaries. If we're going to redo elections, how about all 50 states hold the 2004 Presidential election again?" (Cue picture of George W. Bush spitting on the White House lawn.) "A message from everyone." ••• "Channel 11 Weather Update" / video from Pompton Plains in Morris, County, N.Y.: "The snow has been coming down at a fairly steady clip for about an hour and a half now. Take a look over here on the roadway. Just in the last half hour or so, the flakes have begun to stick on the ass _ _ _ _ ... uh, asphalt." ••• desk chat: Dave starts to talk about Eliot Spitzer's options. We notice that the camera has dropped. We can no longer see Dave's noggin. (Cut to a shot of legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett, putting on his coat.) "I'm just tired of listening to this bull _ _ _ _," Dave grumbles. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "There's no, no border's been withdrawn, in that sense, uh, Stretch. It's uh, it's a uh... Kosovo's a, uh..." ••• Alan Kalter with a Big Show Highlight ••• Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses ••• Dave introduces Jim Carrey, and a minute or two go by with no arrival. Dave eventually heads backstage and out the 53rd St. entrance, to find Jim Carrey in a bathrobe, signing autographs under the watchful eye of Bill DeLace. Mr. Carrey hurries in for his guest appearance, hiding behind the guest chairs as his manservant, Lance, helps him change into street clothes. Jim hands his semiautomatic pistol to Dave for safekeeping. It's not a big deal that he came to the show armed, he says, because he's not a very good shot. Later we meet Jim's body double, Dolph. ••• ["Late Show Prize Giveaway" / Alan Kalter says we're playing for a Sharp® 50" LCD TV, a Sony® PlayStation 3 or $1,000 in cash. / The scrim rises. Pat Farmer spins the prize wheel. As it spins down, it also changes its rotation. We'll give this another try next week.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tuesday on the Late Show" ••• Paula Abdul interview 4/11/08: REPEAT FROM 2/21/08 [2878]: [Ashley from Chicago plays "Know Your Athletes Accused of Taking Steroids." / Stephanie Birkitt delivers dinner certificates. Mark Guthrie from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your Tainted Meat." Kristen from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your Current Events."] ••• Dave tries doing some hand shadows. ••• New Cuban dictator Raul Castro is on the phone. / audio: Hi, everybody. It's me, Raul, the brother of America's favorite Commie! Remember, this Sunday in Hollywood, Oscar is king," he reminds us. (Dial tone.) ••• Dave does another hand shadow: the Eiffel tower. ••• Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan / clip from Chris and Gerry's Kitchen Nightmares (with Sue Hum and chef Eric Ripert) ••• Steve Martin plugs his new book, Born Standing Up. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Friday on the Late Show" ••• more Steve Martin ••• Raymond Crowe does hand shadows.
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