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1/01/09: REPEAT FROM 12/15/08

1/02/09: REPEAT FROM 12/11/08

1/05/09 [3042]: "CNN Clip of the Night" / video:

As Suzanne Malveaux of The Situation Room begins a dialogue with her remote guests, we see a male staffer crawling around behind her, no doubt in the belief that he can't be seen. His every move is tracked via the Late Show Red Arrow™. He has no future as a ninja.
••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "I appreciate... uh, the..." (all enhanced with FX flying shoes) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's looking over a list of his new year's resolutions. He passes several of them along to us.
  • Cut back on bacon. (It's too good.)
  • Finally get an eyelift.
  • Keep on hangin' and bangin'.
  • Send another audition tape to Dancing with the Stars.
  • Stand up to those punks outside 7-Eleven®. Yes!
  • Stop eating roadkill. (It's either the bacon or the roadkill.)
••• Reality shows are getting strange. They've devolved. Why? Homeland Security has a reality show now. It's being produced over at ABC, and we have a clip. / video:
"Tomorrow night, it's the premiere of ABC's thrilling new reality series Homeland Security USA. Don't miss a moment of the pulse-pounding excitement you've come to expect from Homeland Security." (clips of wanding airline passengers and the x-ray conveyor) "Homeland Security USA: Only on ABC."
••• Dave's excited about the new year, as it gives the opportunity to change. Dave wants to show us some of the changes we'll be seeing on the Late Show in 2009. / video: We see colorful motion graphics of Late Show in 2009, with a lovely classical score in the background. Hmmm. "That's all we've got so far," Dave reports. ••• George W. Bush is finally talking about the decisions he has made as president. He's with us tonight to defend his record. / video:
"George W. Bush has been the target of criticism for his handling of the economy, Iraq, the environment and countless other issues. But now the president would like to speak up in defense of his record." (clip of the president on camera, blinking, waiting to go on the air for some address or other) "George W. Bush: 'I got nothin'.' "
••• Live with Regis and Kelly has just made its High Definition debut. / video: One of the Late Show's standard geezers is sitting in with Kelly Ripa. ••• Dave has another resolution:
  • Return Paris's rental shoes to bowling alley.
••• desk chat: Dave announces that during the preshow questions, an audience guy offered to give him his girlfriend. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Football ••• Kate Hudson plugs Bride Wars after she and Dave make out. Dave shows a picture of Kate's butt. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" and a plug for the Late Show Fun Facts book ••• Dave's last resolutions are
  • Get the riding mower out of the pool.
  • Start reading the comedy in rehearsal, and not on the air.
••• Biff Henderson has asked for some air time. Jerry Foley takes us live via satellite to Times Square, where Mr. Henderson gives us a new year's countdown. ••• Glasvegas sing. ••• full credits

1/06/09 [3043]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your president." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 3. George W. Bush: "Um, first I recognize..." (unintelligible) (all with flying shoe FX) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Ball State, as we speak (almost) is playing Tulsa in the GMAC bowl in Alabama. ••• Pat Farmer brings in a pizza for an audience babe. ••• back to our desk chat: Ball State went into their bowl game 12-1. / video: wacky black & white football footage ••• The White House kitty, India, recently kicked the bucket at age 18. / "Remembering the White House Cat" / video:

"She was a cherished friend and a loyal companion." — President George W. Bush

"She made our lives brighter, and we loved her dearly." — First Lady Laura Bush

"Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow." — Secret Service agent Mittens (a white kitty wearing sunglasses and a tie)
Oh, the stories India could tell of the Clinton administation. ••• interruption: "An Important Message from Chrysler": "We sold a car!" ••• glass-breaking jingle: "Prices are down, down, down... way down." ••• Leon Panetta has been named the next director of the CIA. / video: "Fanetta": We're treated to some action scenes, wrecks and 'splosions, to the theme song of T. J. Hooker. ••• Top Ten Questions (including footage of Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing") ••• Kevin James plugs Paul Blart: Mall Cop. ••• outside cam to the CBS Store at 53rd and Broadway to visit with the salesperson on duty, Stanley Cronkite / Stan is one of those Johnny Dark impersonators. Under his watch, there are some nice bargains on DVDs of this week's box office hits. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You won't want to miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Becky Quick of CNBC plugs Squawk Box. ••• Erin McCarley sings. ••• with credits: video of Kevin James in the green room, gnawing on a sandwich

1/07/09 [3044]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will be, enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody over a long distance, and it will seem like the person is right there in the room with you." (all with FX flying shoes) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reports that Ball State played its bowl game last night. He has a clip of some opportunistic dudes who have "HI DAVE" spelled out on their shirts. Dave's less impressed than they expected, as the gentleman on the right has "VE" on his shirt. Only five guys were interested in helping with this stunt. ••• Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• Dave makes up a story that there is a new monkey channel, and he has a clip for us, because he's in it. / video: "A Human Sneezing" ••• There was an interesting moment in Washington today, as all the living presidents gathered to wish Barack Obama well. / video:

"Earlier today, President Bush had the pleasure of hosting all the other living presidents at the White House. Unfortunately, no one told President Bush that Gerald Ford passed away." (horror movie "somebody's-about-to-get-killed" sound and photo of President Ford's skeleton, seated at the dining table) "Gerald Ford: Don't call it a comeback."
••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Presidents' Lunch / "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• Ricky Gervais plugs Ghost Town. ••• A guy fell out of a ski lift the other day, and he ended up hanging from it with his pants off. Dave shows a picture of the unfortunate incident, then introduces that the victim, Dan Miller, who's with us at stage left. Moments into his visit with Dave, his pants come right off him, thanks to the stage hand who is pulling on a rope. "Dan" makes a quick exit. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be amazing!" ••• Rose Byrne plugs Damages. ••• Okkervil River sing.

1/08/09 [3045]: monologue: Sanjay Gupta jokes ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "At one point in our history, we had too many Jewish people and too many Italians. We have to remember that." (all with FX flying shoes) ••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the New York Post. It has a picture of the gathering of all living presidents in the White House this week, with the caption "CLUB PREZ." Oddly enough, Hillary Clinton is outside, peering in a window. Then Dave shows the Late City Final Edition of the same, fine publication. President Clinton is not wearing pants. ••• desk chat: Dave cautions us that he's "this close" (fingers held ½ inch apart) to discontinuing tonight's broadcast. He has a cold. (What's he doing with a cold? He was hanging in St. Bart's last week, for goodness sakes.) Oh, you know Dave... he's always looking for an excuse to say lozenge on air. ••• Barack Obama apparently has someone in mind for Secretary of Commerce. It's Richard Parsons, who runs Time Warner. / video:

"Businessman Richard Parsons is being considered to be the next Secretary of Commerce. Parsons is best known for leading Time Warner, whose divisions include Time Warner Cable." (picture of a cable television installer's truck) "Parsons says he'll show up for his interview with Obama on Friday, sometime between 9 A.M. and 4 P.M. Time Warner Cable: 'Your call is very important to us; please continue to hold.' "
••• desk chat: Dave has yet another edition of the New York Post. This has a similar photo of the living presidents, and you guessed it... every last one of them is missing his britches. (There's not much Worldwide Pants Incorporated likes better than pants jokes, is there, ladies and gentlemen? Well, maybe monkey and kitty and squirrel/nut jokes... but not much.) ••• Live with Regis and Kelly made its High Definition debut the other day. The downside is the resolution is sometimes better than you might want. / video: The Late Show geezer is seated next to the lovely Kelly Lee. ••• Top Ten Barack Obama Plans to Fix the Economy ••• glass-breaking FX: Walter Brennan with "Supper Time" ••• Kate Winslet plugs Revolutionary Road and The Reader, while she's at it. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Can you guess who's going to be on tomorrow's Late Show?" (silhouette pictures) "If you guessed Kiefer Sutherland and Wendy Liebman, you're right! Can you guess who we didn't want on the program?" (silhouette of Mr. Regis Philbin) "We'll be right back." ••• Marv Albert / Albert Achievement Awards

1/09/09 [3046]: New this week: Dave has taken up uttering "kissy kissy" in a falsetto voice, not unlike his much-beloved "Heeeeere, kitty kitty kitty." At this point we're not sure where this one came from. ••• Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• This just in from Parts Unknown: Someone has sent in a clip of "A Squid Sneezing." / We hear the peppy "A Monkey Sneezing" theme song, along with a clip of a squid firing off a rocket from its ink sac and the familiar sound of Sherman sneezing. How much do ya wanna bet that we'll see this one again? ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "You don't like what we tell you to believe in... we'll kill you." (all with FX flying shoes) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• from Face the Nation: "Dick Cheney Lie Count" / The Vice-President delivers eight whoppers. ••• Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico was going to be Secretary of Commerce. He did some illegal stuff, so maybe he shouldn't be on the Cabinet. /video:

"Bill Richardson would like to thank Barack Obama for the consideration, but ultimately, Richardson decided that he couldn't leave New Mexico and the wonderful deals at New Mexico's Taco Bell® locations. Choose from 99¢ burritos, tamales, quesadillas, chimichangas, and Bill's personal favorite, Chalupa Supreme™! Bill Richardson: 'Mmmmmm hungry!' "
••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Alaska has allocated $4,000,000 to treat bald eagles with Rogaine®. 2. The first known pyramid scheme dates back to 73 B.C., when investors were tricked into buying actual pyramids. 3. In his terror messages recorded in 2004 and 2005, Osama bin Laden was replaced by his brother, Shemp bin Laden. (also including a plug for the Late Show Fun Facts book)] ••• glass-breaking FX jingle: "Today is the big day." ••• more "Fun Facts" ••• Top Ten Signs Your New Year Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Kiefer Sutherland plugs 24 and tells about his rodeo days. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday's Late Show is going to be amazing." (The voice-over was done by Michael Z. McIntee, as Alan Kalter had to use the men's room. Nice planning, Big Red.) ••• "Alan Kalter's Inauguration Day Guide" / Alan says,
"On January 20th, a new era in American history will dawn with the inauguration of Barack Obama. Organizers expect up to three million people to show up, meaning that every hotel room in the area has long since been booked. So what's a democracy-loving girl like yourself supposed to do? Why not stay at my condo in Newark, a mere hundred and eighty-six miles from the nation's capital? If you're between the ages of 18 and 29, a natural-born female and open to exploring your sensuality with an experienced, musky-smelling stallion, Big Red wants to help you put the O back in Obama. During your stay you'll enjoy access to state-of-the-art amenities, from Pulsating Pleasure Wands to my Extra-Durable Intimacy Swing for the heavy gal. Plus you'll get three meals, with continental breakfast in the morning, lunch in the afternoon..." (picture of a shirtless Alan) "...and at night, all the red meat you can handle. Oh oh oh, yeah. Ohhhh, yeahhhhh..."
Dave cuts off Alan in the midst of his moaning, saying "You're making us sick." ••• Wendy Liebman does stand-up.

1/12/09 [3047]: monologue: Dave slightly blows a joke, and Tony Mendez persuades him into a do-over. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "Ten years ago there were four, and today there are... yeah... a lot." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reports big trouble with an audience guy in the preshow questions. Not long after, the audience beat the guy silly. Then a lovely lady from Hawaii made a better impression on our host. She was in the city on her honeymoon and yes, you guessed it. It's dinner for two at 21, with the certificate delivered in person by Dave. ••• It was Wild Card Weekend in the NFL. The Giants lost. / Mike Singletary of the 49ers (or receptionist Art Kelly, whichever you'd like to believe) is on split screen with Dave. ••• Governor Blagojevich of Illinois got impeached at the end of the week, and he had a press conference. Then he promptly had a follow-up press conference. / CNN video:

(clip of the Governor's animated hair) "Look, I just sit on the guy's head. I'm not involved in making any decisions, and I'm confident that I will be exonerated. If you have any further questions, you may direct them to my attorney."
••• more Mike Singletary ••• Top Ten Tips for Making It in Hollywood (presented via satellite from Hawaii by Owen Wilson, who's plugging Marlee & Me) (with a sneeze by Sherman Grossman) ••• Billy Crystal plugs Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America. It's a history of comedy on PBS. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be amazing!" and "Have your snake spayed or neutered." ••• more Billy Crystal (with Mike Singletary) ••• Kara DioGuardi plugs American Idol (with Billy Crystal still hanging around).

1/13/09 [3048]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 3. George W. Bush: "The best way to defeat this enemy in the long run is to deny them the recruiting tools that are and, and recruitaments made, made possible by resentment." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells us about going to the All-Star Game years ago in Jack Price Stadium. He says he'd put away a few beers, and he started hollering to Freddie Patek about his 5' 5" stature. ("Is it Bring Your Son to Work Night?") After a while, a lady in front of him turned around and said, "I happen to be Mrs. Freddie Patek, and I don't appreciate those remarks." ••• The People's Choice Awards aired last week. Now Al Jazeera has gotten in on the act. / "Mullah's Choice Awards" / video:

"Live from Kandahar, it's the Mullah's Choice Awards. The extremist clerics have made their decisions. Find out who will win Best Beard, Best Oppressed Anonymous Woman... can Osama make it a three-peat for Best Performance in a Jihad Video? The Mullah's Choice Awards: Coming up next on Al Jazeera."
••• glass-breaking FX: David Letterman with "kissy kissy." ••• interruption: It's a phone call from Bernie Madoff:
"Hi, Dave, it's me, Bernie Madoff, the financial swindler. I just wanted to check... did you get the watches and necklaces I sent you? Look... I'm trapped in my penthouse under house arrest, and I'm going stir crazy. You wanna come over later and talk about Connie Chung? Ah, bite me, Fruitcake."
(Bernie Madoff, as in "made off with people's life savings") ••• The White House Web site has a 50-page document entitled "100 Things You May Not Know About the Bush Administration." / video:
"Point 23. Until 2006, President Bush was under the impression that the White House portrait of Grover Cleveland was actually of Cannon star William Conrad. This has been '100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration.' "
••• interruption: A shirtless, tanned, extremely muscular young man named Ted appears in cutoff denim shorts to deliver a cup of cocoa to Dave, who thanks him. Paul asks who he is, and Dave says, "That's Ted, the cocoa guy." Ted will turn up later on cue card duty. ••• Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice, the newest inductees into the Baseball Hall of Fame, present the Top Ten Highlights of My Hall of Fame Baseball Career. ••• office time: Dave highlights his Salma Hayek interview notes. ••• Salma Hayek plugs 30 Rock. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• interruption: Dave offers Tony Mendez's job to all takers. ••• While the upcoming departure of George W. Bush from the Oval Office is exciting to many, that opinion is not universal. Late Show writer and strike captain, Bill Scheft, takes the stage to offer his own opposing views.
"Thanks, Dave. You know, it's hard not to be excited by the feeling of change in the air. It's good news for everyone, except for comedy writers. You see, for the past eight years we've been living on Easy Street, thanks to a president who cannot form a sentence. That's why I'd like to make this special appeal to Barack Obama: Mr. President-elect, help us out. Sure... fix the economy, ease tensions abroad, get us off foreign oil. But I'm beggin' ya... trip over an extension cord once in a while. Get drunk and make a pass at that German Chancellor, Merkel. And I know you're tryin' to quit, but it might be fun if you sneak in a butt now every now and again. We'll make America laugh if you play fair with the writers, and meet us halfway. Thanks, and God bless America."
••• Jimmie Walker

1/14/09 [3049]: monologue: Dave announces that today is the ninth anniversary of his quintuple bypass and groping. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "Thanks for coming. Be seated. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House. Thanks for coming..." ••• desk chat: Dave has more to say about his bypass. He wants to recognize the medical team that kept him on the air, just as he did when he returned to the Late Show on February 21, 2000. He names Dr. O. Wayne Isom, Dr. Karl Krieger, Dr. Robert Helm, Dr. Pavel Illner (the gas man), Dr. Martin Post, Lawrence Katz, Dr. Lou Arrone, and nurses Donna Reilly and Anna Williams. He believes his life was spared so he could have Harry. Dave has a short clip of his son waving. Now, we know that before this little talk is over, we'll be reminded of the groping which occurred that day. It was all on the security tape. We have the groper (is that a word?) here to take a bow. The orderly's name is Ronald Portnoy. (He moonlights as a Michael Z. McIntee impersonator, I expect.) (Ladies and gentlemen, this may be a first. At the start of the desk chat Dave asked, "Anyone here ever have the bypass surgery?" Silence. Apparently no one in the horn section raised his hand to play along. I just wanted to put that on record.) ••• Clint Eastwood plugs Gran Torino. ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview": Clint Eastwood ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Remember, for good television hygiene, the FCC recommends washing your television regularly." ••• The Randy Rogers Band

1/15/09 [3050]: monologue: "It's so cold" jokes ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "It's the first time we've been back to Texas since our trip to Africa, and you may recall we went to a park in Botswana." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• [desk chat: Dave reports the landing of a U. S. Airways Airbus A320 in the Hudson River, just a few blocks away, this afternoon. He likes the A320. "They float better than they fly," he says, and wonders, "What kind of bird can bring down an A320?" / video from the scene at 4:45 P.M. / It was a happy ending, with no life-threatening injuries, but some passengers complained of damp socks.] ••• video: That worthless bastard, Osama bin Laden, has just released his latest terror video. Unfortunately, the poor little fella has some respiratory ailment, so someone else had to do the voice-over for him.

"As long as the American infidels soil our land with their unholy presence, we will continue to wage our blessed jihad against them. Praise be to Allah for bring down his wrath down on the invading pig dogs. Death to America!"
Who better to handle those duties than our own Alan Kalter? When questioned after the clip is played, Alan explains, "A gig's a gig." ••• Dave recalls George W. Bush's visit to the Late Show on October 19, 2000. / video: George W. Bush cleaning his glasses on Maria Pope's jacket ••• interruption: Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan (who we haven't seen since November 19) show up unannounced. / video: Chris and Gerry in "The Curious Case of Bennington Butterworth" (It's some of their funniest work ever, I think.) ••• update: At 4:50 P.M., Dave says that all passengers are safe and off the Airbus 320. ••• desk chat: Dave has more on the Hudson River landing. ••• Kyra Sedgwick plugs The Closer. ••• update: Dave reports that a Carnival cruise ship has just crashed at JFK International Airport. ••• more Kyra Sedgwick ••• Act 5: (video): teaser for the final episode (scheduled for Friday) of "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" ••• Gwen Ifill plugs her new book, The Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama.

1/16/09 [3051]: monologue: Dave says the Late Show is a top tourist attraction in New York City. ••• It's the final "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" (or so it was billed at the time). / 1. John F. Kennedy: "And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "The issue of immigration stirs intense emotions. And in recent weeks, Americans have seen these emotions on display. On the streets of major cities..." (That's the end of it. Apparently the president was doing a sound check.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Astronomers have discovered a mysterious noise coming from space. Oh... by the way... New York City smelled like pancakes and syrup last week. Anyway, we have live video, compliments of NASA, of this unusual phenomenon. / video: There's a moment of rumbling, followed quickly by the theme from Sanford and Son. ••• The new movie, Bride Wars, has Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, but it's not all sweetness. / video:

"Two brides are best friends who become bitter rivals when they learn their weddings are scheduled for the same time, on the same day, in the same venue, to the same man." (clip of Mr. Larry King, who looks like an owl) "Bride Wars: In theaters now."
••• desk chat: Dave comes out every day before the show to talk to the audience. It's generally not exhilarating, but tonight, lightning struck! A guy in the front row said, "Uhh, Dave, look! I wear the same kind of socks." Dave ventures out to the audience to give Patrick Pugliese several pairs of those long, gray socks he wears every day. ••• glass-breaking FX: David Letterman with "Kissy kissy." ••• Now he's done it. The blue card that broke the glass in the backdrop is now planted right smack in the middle of Riverside Drive. (honking) ••• Top Ten Signs Barack Obama's Getting Nervous (#4: Offered Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, $100,000 to get his old job back.) ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" began on March 30, 2006, and there have now been 378 episodes! / video: a farewell tribute to the segment:
  1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
  2. John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."
  3. George W. Bush: "Let me just remind you where we have been through. What we have been through.
  4. George W. Bush: "My dad, like many of your rel... uh, uh, folk... who've got relatives here... many of you whose relatives who did the same thing who are... You're here... their relatives probably aren't..."
  5. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..."
  6. George W. Bush: "That there be a stable Iran. Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence... I mean Iraq."
  7. George W. Bush: "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi bin al-Shibh or whatever the guy's name was..."
  8. George W. Bush: "Thanks for coming. Be seated. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House. Thanks for coming..."
  9. George W. Bush: "If it feels good, do it. If you've got a problem, blame somebody else."
  10. George W. Bush: "...you may recall we went to a park in Botswana."
  11. George W. Bush: "Panama City... Panama"
  12. George W. Bush: "What you probably want to know is the three words I'm not gonna tell you." (The president raises his right hand and counts with his fingers to five, while saying, "I'm _ not _ going _ to_ tell _ you. That's five words." (buzzer)
  13. George W. Bush: "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will be, enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody on long distance, and it will seem like the person is right there in the room with you."
  14. George W. Bush: "Yeah. Uh, I think... tide turning... See, as I remember it... I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of... It's easy to see a tide turn. Did I say those words?"
  15. George W. Bush: "Let me. Let me. Let me. Let me."
  16. George W. Bush: "You you you you you you you you're weak."
  17. George W. Bush: "Doin' a better job of talkin' to one another. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doin'. (uses the wrong hands to demonstrate the idea)
  18. George W. Bush: The president, accompanied by Laura, is dancing along and playing a drum with some sort of native performance, who knows where.
  19. George W. Bush: Entering Marine One, the president bumps his head.
  20. George W. Bush: dribbles a basketball and loses it.
  21. George W. Bush: drops a Scottie dog.
  22. George W. Bush: drops something.
  23. George W. Bush: drops something.
  24. George W. Bush: can't get through doors on a foreign visit.
  25. George W. Bush: dodges an Iraqi's shoes.
  26. George W. Bush: "On the streets of major cities..." (stops and looks around... sound check)
  27. George W. Bush: young boy yawning and stretching behind the president
  28. George W. Bush: spits out gum on the White House lawn before entering Marine One
••• Zach Braff plugs Scrubs. ••• "Alan Kalter's How Does It Work?" (Alan sets out to demonstrate a boom box, which somehow makes him bleed to death.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday's Late Show is the place to be." ••• Arj Barker does stand-up. ••• The Airborne Toxic Event, with special guests The Calter Quartet

1/19/09: REPEAT FROM 12/17/08

1/20/09: REPEAT FROM 12/19/08

1/21/09: REPEAT FROM 12/16/08

1/22/09: REPEAT FROM 12/18/08

1/23/09: REPEAT FROM 12/22/08

1/26/09 [3052]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." 3. Barack Obama: "If we take action, we can create new industries and revive old ones. We can open new factories, and empower new farms. We can lower costs, and revive our economy. We can do that, and we must do that." ••• "Post-Inauguration Round-Up" / video: We see a series of 12 TV anchors or reporters who have gotten so used to saying "President-elect Obama" that they all have to correct themselves on Inauguration Day. Finally, Vice-President Biden says,

"Because I'm Vice-President elect... I guess I'm not 'elect' anymore... I'm actually the Vice-President!"
••• Television is going digital in February. There are other digital technologies on the horizon. / video:
(picture of a faucet) "Attention U. S. residents with indoor plumbing. The FDA has decreed that as of February 17th, 2009, all tap water will go digital. You will need a converter box if you wish to continue using your sink, shower, toilet or hose. Don't be left behind! Send $600 to Digi-Water Industries. Cash, check, credit cards accepted. No cops!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Alan Kalter's Cooking Tip of the Day" (Try salt.) ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the U. S. Air flight that landed in the Hudson River three minutes after taking off from LaGuardia. "God bless Airbus. Their airplanes float better than they fly." A guy from the NTSB called Dave. It's not what it appears to be. It was a publicity stunt. Beginning in the spring, U. S. Air is introducing a new route: LaGuardia to the Theater District." ••• another desk chat: Dave thought it would be great if Caroline Kennedy had been chosen as the new U. S. Senator from New York, joining Chuck "Ball of Lightning" Schumer (D-NY). She went to Harvard. But she backed out the day before, because she has "a thing." Or is it a nanny problem? Or is it trouble with the marriage? The Governor is making up phony reasons for not picking Caroline, so he looks good. So we got a lady from up in the Finger Lakes. ••• after commercial: more desk chat about Caroline Kennedy / Dave says if you have tax problems, etc., you don't leave the house. You don't run. So people are making up the allegations. ••• Brian Williams of NBC News ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" and "Tomorrow is Chinese Daylight Savings Time. Set your clocks back from 'turtle' to 'porcupine.' " ••• The comedy writers' eight years of shooting fish in a barrel have ended. Writer Joe Grossman has some top-notch comedy material about Barack Obama. He steps onstage to deliver a series of jokes. Hmmm. They're George W. Bush jokes. He tosses in an Al Gore joke after Dave corrects him. Dave sends him back to the drawing board. ••• Ben Kweller sings some peppy but unoriginal country music.

1/27/09 [3053]: "George W. Bush: Where Is He Now?" / video:

"Within months of leaving the White House in January, 2009, George and his wife, Laura, divorced. George moved to the outskirts of Portland, Oregon, where he got work as assistant manager of a paving company. By the end of the year, he married the company receptionist, Stephanie, and they have two children, Ethan and Charlotte. George is now co-owner of the paving company, and in his spare time, he enjoys watching NASCAR and participating in chili cookoffs. He says he liked being president, but he wouldn't trade his new life for anything. This has been 'George W. Bush: Where Is He Now?' "
••• video from C-SPAN: "Governor Blagojevich Interviews Himself" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / "To give our viewers enhanced alertness and memory function, tonight's Late Show contains Ginkgo Biloba!" ••• "Small Town News" ••• desk chat: Dave repeats his joke from last night about the U. S. Air flight landing on the Hudson River being a publicity stunt (to promote their LaGuardia to Theater District service). ••• Top Ten Ways Rod Blagojevich Can Improve His Image ••• Evangeline Lilly plugs Lost. ••• outside cam to the CBS Store at 53rd and Broadway to visit with Stanley Cronkite (Johnny Dark) / Stanley favors us with a perforance of "Danny Boy." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be hot! / "Late Show Did You Know?": "Did you know that Mr. Peanut is the only legume with a monocle?" ••• Seth Meyers plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• Andrew Bird sings.

1/28/09 [3054]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." 3. Barack Obama: "...that there be a stable Iran. Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence. I mean Iraq." (George W. Bush's lips superimposed over Barack Obama's) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave wonders if he put someone's eye out with a pencil he threw into the audience. A smiling audience man holds it up. It's all good. ••• "What's Going on in the News?" / video:

  1. Amy Winehouse is suing her husband for custody of the medicine cabinet.
  2. Bernie Madoff is officially the most-despised figure in the country not named Bush.
  3. "Sully" Sullenberger executed a soft landing on his wife.
  4. Rush Limbaugh wants Obama's policies to fail. He's back on the Oxycontin®.
  5. Iran will have enough uranium for nuclear weapons this year. Also, camels go digitial in June.
  6. Governor Rod Blagojevich received large bribes from the shampoo and conditioner industry.
  7. Joe Torre admits to a sizzling affair with Alex Rodriguez.
  8. New New York Senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, was welcomed with a collective, "Who?"
••• Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Explod-O-Pop® popcorn. / clip of building engineer George Clarke choking on it ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Meeting Between Barack Obama and the Republicans ••• another plug for Explod-O-Pop® ••• Lauren Graham plugs her play, Guys and Dolls. ••• interruption: ads for Dave and Paul commemorative plates ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show ••• food expert Guy Fieri ••• MENEW sing.

1/29/09 [3055]: "Bernie Madoff House Arrest Update"

"January 29th, 2009: Mr. Madoff summoned the doorman to ask him if he could change two tens for a five. This has been a 'Bernie Madoff House Arrest Update.' "
••• "Rod Blagojevich Mispronunciation Roundup" / video: clips of about 17 television anchors or public figures mutilating Blagojevich's name / Dave, by the way, misprounced mispronunciation when he introduced the piece. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Graham Nash is sitting in tonight. ••• "Who Asked for It?" / 1. Mark from Marlboro, New Jersey wants to know who Dave likes in the Super Bowl. / Art Kelly with another Mike Singletary interview 2. Kelly Higgins from Scarsdale, New York wonders if the Late Show is ready for the switchover to digital television. / Electronic maintenance technician Gary Mintz sings part of "Let's Get Digital," to the tune of Olivia Newton-John's famous eighties song. / more Mike Singletary / Katie Gunger from Rochelle Park, New Jersey (OK... actually Jerry Foley's lovely assistant, Kim Richards) wonders if Barack Obama has been on the Late Show. / "Presidents on the Late Show" / video: clip of Barack Obama from 9/10/08, George W. Bush on 10/19/00, Bill Clinton on 9/22/08 and Jimmy Carter on 2/28/05 (actually a winter skiing stunt on 53rd St.) ••• Renée Zellweger plugs New in Town. (The CBSO played her on with The Left Banke's Walk Away, Renée.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: the CBSO and Graham Nash performing ••• Tony Dungy of the Indianapolis Colts

1/30/09 [3056]: "An Excerpt from Joe Torre's The Yankee Years" / video:

"Page 172. I really need to work on my Spanish. While trying to tell one of the Domincan players to always charge ground balls, I mistakenly told him to beat the clubhouse attendant with a fungo bat. This has been 'An Excerpt from Joe Torre's The Yankee Years.' "
••• Dave feels badly that musician Amy Winehouse is getting divorced. Here's the official announcement. / video:
"Sadly, Amy Winehouse and her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, have decided to terminate their marriage. The couple has agreed to an equitable split of the property and finances; however, one contentious point remains: the battle for custody of her liver. Her liver, ladies and gentlemen. Custody of her liver. Amy Winehouse: What do you mean, last call?"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / "For a list of next week's guests, consult a psychic, intuitive or registered clairvoyant." ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. NFL penalty flags are weighted with unpopped popcorn kernels. 2. Windex® was originally developed as a cocktail mixer. 3. In Detroit, motorists can be fined up to $600 for not stopping in the name of love. 4. In his or her lifetime, the average person will eat nearly three figs. / glass breaking FX: "It's hard to believe, but it's true." (jingle) 5. Due to a typo in his contract, David Copperfield once had to pull a rabbi out of his hat. 6. The only things Franklin Roosevelt feared were fear itself and Eleanor naked.] ••• desk chat: Dave tells about deciding to not air comedian Bill Hicks' stand-up performance on October 1, 1993, after he had appeared on Late Night 11 times. He died on February 26, 1994. ••• Mary Hicks, mother of Bill Hicks, is a guest tonight. / video: the unaired stand-up performance from October 1, 1993 ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: ad for Explod-O-Pop® popcorn ••• "Is This Anything?" (with Anna Jack on hula hoops and Kiva Kahl on grinder): A juggler in a red suit stands on his female assistant, who is suspending herself between two sawhorses. / Paul says no.. Dave says no. ••• The Gaslight Anthem sing.

2/02/09 [3057]: "Memorable Super Bowl Halftime Shows" (We see Bruce Springsteen in 2009, U2 in 2002 and the violin-playing Dave lookalike, who stole the show in 1987, singing "Camptown Ladies.") ••• "Groundhog Day Shadow Update" / video:

(photo of our bucktoothed friend, Punxsutawney Phil) "In Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, indicating six more weeks of winter. New York's Staten Island Chuck did not see his shadow, indicating an early spring. And Michael Phelps spent nine hours staring at his shadow and saying, 'Duuuude.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Biff comes out. Dave mentions their 4,871 shows together, as this is approximately the 27th anniversary of Dave's shows. / "Biff Henderson at Super Bowl XLIII," with Rev. Jesse Jackson, John McEnroe, L L Cool J, Biff messing with people by saying "footyball," Marv Albert, Darnell Stapleton, Brett Keisel, William Gay, Troy Polamalu, Keyaron Fox, Travis Kirschke, Lawrence Timmons, Max Starks and Ben Roethlisberger (almost). ••• Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback of the Super Bowl XLIII champion Pittsburgh Steelers ••• Steve Martin plugs The Pink Panther 2. ••• Steve Martin and friends play his banjo number, "Wally on the Run."

2/03/09 [3058]: Our darkest hour of 2009 occurred yesterday. Mayor Bloomberg picked up a snarling groundhog yesterday and got bitten. / video:

(picture of a groundhog in its little house, swiping an ear of field corn) "During a Groundhog Day ceremony on Staten Island, Mayor Bloomberg was bitten on the hand by a groundhog. According to the official medical report, the Mayor has minor abrasions, moderate swelling, and every night at sunset, he now turns into a rabid, half-man, half-groundhog that prowls the streets in search of human blood." (picture of the Mayor with red eyes and groundhog buck teeth) "New York City: Please remain in your homes until further notice."
••• Gaines hollers over to Dave to let him know that he has a call on the phony black dial phone. The caller is none other than Christian Bales, who begins a profane rant against Dave. (There's audio all over the Internet this week of Bales visciously attacking a director of photography over a mix-up on a movie scene.) ••• Top Ten Michael Phelps Excuses (for being photographed toking on a bong) ••• Rod Blagojevich tells us all about his impeachment as Governor of Illinois. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Richard Jenkins plugs The Visitor. ••• Note: Thanks to Mr. Blagojevich for providing the easiest episode log of all time. (He got 24 minutes!)

2/04/09 [3059]: There's more to the story of Captain Chesley Sullenberger's heroic jet landing on the Hudson River. / video:

"Heroic U. S. Air captain Chesley Sullenberger recently apologized to his local library for an overdue book, telling them that it was in the cargo hold of the plane that landed in the Hudson River. However, during a police interrogation, Sullenberger finally broke down and admitted that he deliberately ditched the plane so he'd have an excuse for not returning Thin Thighs in 30 Days. Sullenberger: making water landings fun again."
••• Osama bin Laden is still a nightmare, and he has a new video today. / video:
"I call upon the faithful to wage jihad worldwide; however, I regret to announce that I am stepping down from al-Qaeda due to some tax issues. I have now paid the $80,000, but I know there is no excuse for my carelessness. Oh... and death to America... especially the I.R.S."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / "Tonight's show is delicious. Lick your television screen now." ••• desk chat: Dave shows Joe Torre's book, pointing out co-author Tom Verducci's picture. ••• "A Day in the Life of President Obama"
  • 6:00 a.m.  Wakes up, realizes the economy is still a mess, hits snooze bar and goes back to sleep
  • 8:00 a.m.  Asks H&R Block if they can teach his cabinet members how to pay their taxes
  • 9:00 a.m.  Hillary Clinton arrives for staff meeting; forcibly removed by Secret Service after she refuses to leave Oval Office
  • 10:00 a.m.  Gets kicked out of the living room because mother-in-law wants to watch her soap operas
  • 11:00 a.m.  $14 billion is included in stimulus bill to repair Mickey Rourke's face
••• interruption: Christian Bale calls the pretend black dial phone to deliver a profane interaction with Dave. ••• back to Obama:
  • noon  Finds one of Cheney's spare hearts in a drawer
  • 1:00 p.m.  Smoke break
  • 2:00 p.m.  Spends 45 minutes looking cool
  • 3:00 p.m.  Rush Limbaugh now says that he wants Obama to succeed if it means lower prescription drug prices
  • 3:30 p.m.  Laughs hysterically upon hearing Sarah Palin is considering a presidential run in 2012
  • 11:30 p.m.  Sees Late Show's lame "President Obama" piece; concludes comedians still don't know how to write a decent joke about him
  • midnight  He and Michelle finish the day by bumping fists
••• Joe Torre plugs his controversial book, The Yankee Years. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Demetri Martin plugs Important Things with Demetri Martin. ••• Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt sing.

2/05/09 [3060]: A bunch of people got together recently and used special technology to depict what Martha Washington looked like as a young woman. / video:

"Thanks to advanced age regression technology, forensic anthropologists were able to determine what Martha Washington looked like as a 25-year-old woman." (picture of a beautiful, brunette Martha) "In addition, by utilizing even more sophisticated technology, the scientists were able to determine that Martha liked it rough. A message from a university."
••• "Bernie Madoff Celebrity Investors" / video:
(a series of photos of the victims) "Actor Kevin Bacon. Director Steven Spielberg. Baseball legend Sandy Koufax. And Late Show announcer, Alan Kalter."
/ Uh oh. We all know that Big Red has a hair trigger. He responds, "What? That son of a bitch! I'm penniless! Where am I gonna live? What am I gonna do? Oh, my God!" ••• Michael Z. McIntee with Big Show Highlights / plug for the latest Late Show Magazine ••• interruption: Alan reappears in the backdrop and stumbles around the set, with "I'm ruined! Where am I gonna go? Where am I gonna live? What am I gonna... I'm broke! That bastard! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh!" ••• interruption: Barbara Gaines hollers, "Telephone." Yes, it's a sequel of the last two nights' calls from Christian Bale and his profane rant. ••• The writers have been hard at work trying to come up with Barack Obama jokes. There's no more shooting fish in a barrel with George W. Bush jokes. Writer Joe Grossman comes onstage to tell a few Obama jokes. With his head buried in a little pocket notebook, he begins:
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, after his father, George, was elected in 1988, he told him to invade Sweden for the free meatballs."
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, when his wife, Laura, told him she wanted a small wedding, he tried to hire a three-foot-tall preacher."
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, while debating Al Gore during the 2000 election, he suggested people save energy by keeping TVs on a low channel."
Dave interrupts, as he suspects Joe's been doing George Bush jokes (and Dave sure ought to know one of those when he hears one). Joe goes back to his notebook.
  • "Barack Obama is so old, he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate, because she reminded him of his nurse."
Dave's had enough. He boots Joe. ••• live via satellite: Lil Wayne presents the Top Ten Reasons I'm Looking Forward to the Grammy Awards ••• Isla Fisher plugs "Confessions of a Shopaholic," and shows an interesting picture of her standing on her head. ••• Receptionist Art Kelly reprises his role as Coach Mike Singletary. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for today's new Tony Mendez Show ••• extreme fisherman Matt Watson ••• Mark Olson and Gary Louris sing.

2/06/09 [3061]: The United States Postal Service is looking at cuts in service. / video:

"The U.S. Postal Service is committed to excellence. However, the current budget crisis is forcing some service adjustments. In addition to the possible elimination of a day of mail delivery, people with last names beginning with T through Z will no longer receive mail. Pickup and delivery will no longer be available in Vermont, North Dakota or New Mexico. And, effective immediately, the price of a first class stamp is $85. Thanks for your understanding. The United States Postal Service: we deliver for you."
••• The switch to digital television is coming in a few days, and there are other changes on the horizon. / video:
(picture of a faucet) "Attention U. S. residents with indoor plumbing. The FDA has decreed that as of February 17th, 2009, all tap water will go digital. You will need a convertor box if you wish to continue using your sink, shower, toilet or hose. Don't be left behind! Send $600 to Digi-Water Industries. Cash, check, credit cards accepted. No cops!"
••• desk antics: pencil flips ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Chimpanzees have better short-term memory than humans. 2. When the pilgrims landed in 1620, they immediately lost all their money in Indian casinos. 3. To make executions more humane, many states have switched to electric recliners. 4. Most businesses are actually like show business. / Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. / 5. A fourth wise man gave the baby Jesus a Hickory Farms® summer sausage. 6. Laughter is the best medicine, when you can't get your hands on some Demerol™.] ••• Dakota Fanning plugs Coraline. ••• [premiere of "Who's the Intern?" / Alan informs us that we're playing for a Dyson® vacuum cleaner. / Tonight's celebrity partner is Neil Diamond. / The scrim rises to reveal three 20-something males. / Dave and Paul both correctly guess #2, Bridger Winegar, from Draper, Utah.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show ••• Keith Alberstadt does stand-up. ••• Beirut sing.

2/09/09 [3062]: Captain Chesley Sullenberger landed U. S. Airways 1549 in the Hudson River. / audio:

CHESLEY B. "SULLY" SULLENBERGER, CAPTAIN OF FLIGHT 1549:
"This is Cactus 1539. Hit birds. We lost thrust in both engines. We're turning back towards LaGuardia."

CHRISTIAN BALE, ACTOR:
"You're unbelievable, man, you're un-givling believable."

NEW YORK TRACON:
"OK, yeah. You need to return to LaGuardia. Turn left, heading of two-two-zero."

SULLENBERGER:
"We're unable. We may end up in the Hudson."

BALE:
"What the givl are you doing? Gimme a givling answer."

SULLENBERGER:
"Unable."

BALE:
"Think for one givling second."

NEW YORK TRACON:
"Cactus 1529, turn right 280. You can land runway one at Teterboro."

SULLENBERGER:
"We can't do it."

BALE:
"Givl sake man, you're amateur."

SULLENBERGER:
"We're gonna be in the Hudson."

BALE:
"You and me, we're done professionally. Givling ass."

••• Al Gore has won a Nobel Prize, an Emmy and an Oscar. Last night he was at the Grammys, and won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album for An Inconvenient Truth. / photo:
We see a smiling Al Gore next to a Grammy, with Carl Douglas's Kung Fu Fighting playing.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells us that in 1964, his favorite magazine was Sports Illustrated, and it passed the test with his parents. Little did they know the swimsuits were in there. Last year 66,000,000 people read the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. / outside cam: The Rupert and Tony billboard is draped, and the S. I. cover will be revealed shortly. ••• interruption:
(picture of the familiar GM logo) "We interrupt this program for a special message from General Motors. To the guy in Tulsa who was considering the Chevy Impala: We'll thrown in pinstriping and satellite radio. We're open late all this week. We now return you to Falcon Crest, already in progress."
••• It's come out that A-Rod was on the 'roids. / Top Ten Messages Left on Alex Rodriguez's Answering Machine ••• Naomi Watts plugs The International. ••• outside cam to 53rd St. to reveal tomorrow's Sports Illustrated cover / It's Bar Refaeli! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You won't want to miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Danny R. McBride plugs East Bound and Down. ••• The Von Bondies sing.

2/10/09 [3063]: There has recently been an aroma similar to maple syrup in New York City. Mayor Bloomberg put together a task force last week to get to the bottom of this. (It came from a North Bergen, New Jersey, plant called Frutarom that was manufacturing a food fragrance using a certain type of seed. The odor spreads when the wind is blowing at the right speed, in the right direction, and humidity is high with no rain. Now back to the show.) / video:

"Attention. The New York City Department of Environmental Protection has found the cause of the strange, syrupy scent that has plagued our area for years. The smell is reportedly coming from this food additive plant in New Jersey." (picture of the Frutarom plant) "Rest assured this sweet aroma will be dealt with, and New York City's usual odor of rotting Chinese food and urine will resume immediately. This has been a message from Mayor Michael Bloomberg."
••• Every time you turn around, there's a baseball scandal. There are different types of steroids. One is called clear, and one is a topical cream. We have exclusive footage of Alex Rodriguez having the cream applied. (video of a shirtless Biff Henderson applying the stuff to a shirtless A-Rod, with porno music playing in the background, from "Biff at Spring Training" on 3/31/08) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• U. S. Airways Flight 1549 safely ditched on the Hudson River on January 15, 2009, with all passengers and crew surviving. Captain Chesley Sullenberger III and Co-pilot Jeffrey Skiles are Dave's guests tonight in multiple segments. ••• Act 5: video of the Airbus 320 landing on the Hudson ••• The flight attendants, Doreen Welsh, Donna Dent and Sheila Dail, join the pilots onstage to conclude the interview. ••• Heartless Bastards sing.

2/11/09 [3064]: Tomorrow is the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. PBS is doing a fine documentary on him. / video:

(picture of Abraham Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial) "And now PBS presents 'Looking for Lincoln.' " (picture of his grave) "There he is!" (Roll credits.)
••• Valentine's Day is Saturday. Dave saw a commercial for flowers that he thought was insane. / video:
"This Valentine's Day, let flowers tell your special lady how you feel. FTD® makes it easy, with our 'I'm sorry' bouquet. It's the perfect way to apologize if you've said things like this." (Christian Bale saying, "What the givl is it with you? What don't you &%$#@ understand?") "Order FTD's 'I'm sorry' bouquet now."
••• Dave takes a beverage to an audience guy on the front row. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: A guy in the front row clearly didn't want to be there. Dave wonders what would put him in a good mood. Booze! Anyway, Dave has a glass of some kind of alcohol, but there's a legal dilemma on whether the Late Show can legally give it to the guy. And what if he's in some kind of program? Dave visits with Barbara Gaines for a bit. Gaines reports that Jude Brennan is worried that there might be some kind of legal risk. Dave ends up drinking the whole thing himself. ••• outside cam: Bar Refaeli's billboard on 53rd St. / Wait a minute. Building Engineer George Clarke is standing right under it on the roof, just taking a closer look. ••• "Small Town News" ••• Joaquin Phoenix plugs Two Lovers. Well, sort of. His appearance is the closest thing to Crispin Glover's bizarre appearance on July 28, 1987 that we've seen in the last 21 years. He's humorless and distracted. It's an instant classic. Dave concluded his two segments with, ""Well, Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here with us tonight." See this train wreck / hoax in my Video Archives. ••• Act 5: another look at Bar Refaeli's billboard ••• Sports Illustrated cover model, Bar Refaeli ••• Anthony Hamilton sings.

2/12/09 [3065]: Something strange happened a couple of nights ago. This Late Show security video will explain it.

(video of an agitated Dave in an elevator)

Dave: "What? Wait a minute. Where? We're not moving! What? What's happening? The cable! The cable's gonna snap! There's no air! I can't breathe! What? What? What? Oh! What are we gonna do? Oh, my God!" (The picture widens to reveal two additional passengers on the Elevator of Death: Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III and First Officer Jeffrey Skiles of U. S. Airways.)

Skiles: "You forgot to hit the button. Phew! Idiot!"

••• It's a shame that so many stars are screwed-up on one substance or another. / "Celebrity Drug Update" / video:
(picture of Olympian Michael Phelps: WEED) (Alex Rodriguez: 'ROIDS) (Joaquin Phoenix: ?????????)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that his light gray suit is a Christmas gift from Dr. Bill Cosby, who wore a similar suit for his appearance on November 14, 2008. Dave takes the floor to model it for us. (with sparklies from the control room) ••• Nickolas Ashford & Valerie Simpson are sitting in with the CBSO. ••• "Valentine's Day Cards" ••• backstage cam: kids who came to see The Jonas Brothers ••• The Jonas Brothers plug Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. / green room cam: Richard "Shecky" Scheckman as Todd Jonas ••• The Jonas Brothers present the Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Jonas Brothers. ••• Act 5: promo for today's new Tony Mendez Show ••• Christopher "Mad Dog" Russo

2/13/09 [3066]: "Why Things Are Better Now Than in the 1930s" / video:

(picture of a box of Safeway® Microwaveable Fully Cooked Bacon) Michael Z. McIntee voices over, "Microwaveable bacon!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Martha Stewart's new book, Martha Stewart's Cooking School, then makes up a ridiculous story to the effect that Martha, for a time, lived in a storm sewer.••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. ••• "Fun Facts" (not a strong batch this week) ••• desk chat: Tonight's segment with Martha involves oysters. Dave says that if you get oysters that are right, there's nothing better. If they're bad, before long your lips will start to vibrate. Dave concludes, "If these are lousy oysters, I'll spend the rest of my life trying to put her out of business." ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Valentine ••• cooking oysters with Martha Stewart ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday's Late Show is the place to be." and Annette Guardabascio (Manager, Talent Travel and Page Operations) in "Late Show Behind the Scenes" (a gripping tale of printer cartridge mix-ups) ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up. ••• Matt Nathanson sings.

2/16/09 [3067]: We're celebrating the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. Here's a rundown of all the current shows about Abraham Lincoln. / video:

"Tonight at 9, PBS presents Looking for Lincoln. Saturday at 9, The History Channel presents The Real Abraham Lincoln. Sunday at Midnight, The Spice Channel presents Stovepipe Sluts 2. (picture of a slut wearing a stovepipe hat)
••• Michael Phelps won eight Olympic gold medals. (Dave always thought his eyes were red from the chlorine.) A picture of Phelps smoking weed is all over the Internet. / "Michael Phelps News Round-up" / video:
(Anchor): "You've seen the now-infamous picture of Michael Phelps smoking from a bong."

(Shepard Smith): "Phelps was photographed holding a bong."

(MSNBC anchors): "The guy who owned the bong."

(21 more anchors): "Bong."

(Anchor): "Smoking marijuana from a bong."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: As we know, Alan Kalter voices over every Late Show intro. Dave reacts to tonight's intro, "syphilitic emperor." Alan says, "Well-deserved." ••• GQ has come out with their list of the 10 most stylish men. / video:
"Congratulations to Justin Timberlake, who was named the most stylish man in America by GQ. In the closest voting in our history, second place went to David Letterman. (video of Dave putting on a blue Cap'n Crunch™ hat on July 17, 2008) "GQ: Let us help you become gay."
••• "Small Town News" ••• Top Ten Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say if He Were Alive Today ••• Ellen Pompeo plugs Grey's Anatomy. ••• ["Is This Anything?" / with Anna Jack on hula hoops and George Clarke (in for Kiva Kahl) on grinder / A guy on a unicycle is twirling knives and hooting. / Paul says no. Dave says no.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is the place to be." with "Alan Kalter's Memory Lane" ••• 2009 Daytona 500 winner, Matt Kenseth ••• desk chat: Dave says that whenever Willie Nelson comes on, they load up in a rental car and beat people up. ••• Willie Nelson with Asleep at the Wheel

2/17/09 [3068]: "The Truth About the Economic $timulu$ Package" / video:

"The 787 billion dollar economic stimulus package is just the thing to get the economy going again. But first..." (video of civil disobedience, armed insurrection and arson) "...America's cities will burn while bands of emaciated outlaws fight for survival. By the third quarter, things should be picking up again."
••• "This Day in the Clinton Marriage" / video:
"Hillary was in Tokyo speaking with Japanese leaders to promote bilateral alliances, and offering North Korea a peace treaty to cease nuclear operations, while Bill finished 50 hot wings at the Fresno Hooters™, and gave his phone number to a waitress named Mindy." (picture of that hottie, Mindy) "This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It seems that everyone takes the human growth hormone (now in lemon-lime flavor) these days. Steroids have even found their way into jai alai. Peter Gammons of ESPN has interviewed Alex Rodriguez about his recent confession. Now Gammons has learned that Dave's been taking steroids, which he readily admits. Tonight we see an excerpt from a gripping interview on ESPN. / video:
Gammons: "This week Sports Illustrated reported that, uh, that in 2003 you tested positive for testosterone and an anabolic steroid known as Primabolan™. What's the truth?"

Letterman (with a big grin): "Well, that, yeah... that's, uh, that's true. I, uh, I wanted to take the stuff because, uh, I wanted to get big and chase chicks. Uh... and also, I felt like when I was on, uh, the juice, I was funnier. Uh, for example, I wrote this joke. 'It was so hot in Central Park today I saw a squirrel putting suntan lotion on his nuts.' That's a good one! What would you like to talk about now?"
••• Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants to Accomplish on Her Trip Overseas ••• interruption: Jimmi Simpson as "Lyle the Intern" ••• Bonnie Hunt plugs The Bonnie Hunt Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" and the conclusion to yesterday's magic trick ••• Biff Henderson is supposed to predict Oscar winners. He's late, as he was stuck in an elevator. Since he didn't know how long he'd be in the thing, he ate his script. ••• M. Ward sing.

2/18/09 [3069]: cold open: Tony Mendez and Dave are hanging out before the big show. Tony's on the phone. / video:

Tony: "You're fine. Just bring some chips and some wine. It starts at 8 o'clock this Sunday. Don't be late! OK, Bye."

TV Boy: "You having an Academy Awards party?"

Tony: "Oh, no. That was a wrong number." (wacky spring sound)

TV Boy: (just like Jude Brennan does to him): "Idiot." (Late Show intro)

••• "WABC: The Leader in '09 Earthquake Coverage" / video:
(We see a news team of WABC-7 TV making small talk.) Meteorologist Bill Evans turns to traffic reporter Joe Nolan and asks, "Hey, Joe, you hear anything about that big earthquake overnight there around Boonton?"

Nolan: "Nah, is it Boonton?"

Evans: "Yeah, around Boonton there... around Randolph there..."

Nolan: "I have a cousin that lives in Boonton."

Evans: "That's the third time, Joe, in a month."

Nolan: "Yeah, I know. Isn't that weird? That's strange."

••• Dave wonders why we can't get the Osama bin Laden. Researchers have narrowed his whereabouts to a limited area. / video:
(animation of a spinning planet earth) "Using state-of-the-art satellite mapping technology, a team of UCLA geographers has determined that Osama bin Laden is probably hiding in one of three buildings in the Pakistani town of Parachinar." (red arrows on satellite surveillance locations) "He could be in this abandoned prison... this warehouse... or he could have moved into this high-rise apartment building with his messy friend, Oscar bin Madison." (clip from the TV version of The Odd Couple) "Can two terrorists share an apartment without driving each other crazy? Find out on The Jihad Couple, weeknights at 9 on TV Land."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a suggestion, "Why not rent out the Ed Sullivan Theater for your bar mitzvah or corporate event?" ••• desk chat: It's Fashion Week in New York City, and Dave has a tip to drive the ladies wild. He unbuttons the lowest button on each cuff. ••• desk chat: Dave says his mom, Dorothy, called today with the disturbing news that he was born in 1937... not 1947. ••• "This Day in the Clinton Marriage" / video:
"Hillary arrived in Jakarta and met with the foreign minister to encourage democracy in Burma, while Bill surpised the ΣΦΕ fraternity at Colorado State University by crashing their party, playing beer pong and hitting on a theater major named Sheila. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "
••• Writer Joe Grossman has been working on Barack Obama jokes since he took office, and he's back onstage with us to deliver the latest zingers. Here's Joe with his little joke notebook:
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, he bought his ranch in Crawford, Texas because he wanted to grow ranch dressing."
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, while debating Al Gore in 2000 he recommended conserving gas by making all roads downhill."
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, when he blows out his birthday candles, his wife, Laura, has to remind him to not wish for cake."
Dave's had enough. Joe is giving us old George W. Bush jokes. Joe goes on a quest. We're treated to a music video of Joe searching for inspiration as he walks the sidewalks of New York, Central Park, New York Harbor and drops by Flash Dancers at 1674 Broadway, with Carolina Liar's tune, "Show Me What I'm Looking For" as background music. Eventually Joe makes his way back to the Ed.
  • "Barack Obama is so fat, every time his wife, Tipper, climbs on top of him, her ears pop."
Dave kicks Joe out. ••• Donald Trump plugs The Celebrity Apprentice, and gives Dave a hard time about the hair jokes. ••• Act 5: Joe Grossman at Flash Dancers ••• desk chat: Dave wonders if Harry should have been named Harry Joseph Letterman II. ••• Alex Rodriguez had a press conference yesterday to address the steroids situation, and he's with us in the Ed. (Or is it Electronic Maintenance Technician Gary Mintz?)
"Hi, everybody, it's me, Alex Rodriguez. Hit a home run for fair play, and stay off the juice. See you at the ballpark!
••• Antony and the Johnsons sing.

2/19/09 [3070]: Know how whenever Dave asks a rhetorical question, the gentlemen in the horn section always raise their hands? Tonight we learn that the whole lot of 'em are on the 'roids. (Note to Dave: Never ask an incriminating question when the horn section men are in the room.) ••• Men and women sin in different ways. / video from the Pope:

"This new study has found many differences in the ways men and women sin. Men are more likely to commit sins of lust and gluttony, while women's sins are usually of pride and envy. We also found that men never stop to ask for directions, while women love to shop! And what's the deal with men always forgetting to put the toilet seat down? The ladies know what I'm talking about. And if I had a wife, I bet her cooking would be terrible."
••• "This Day in the Clinton Marriage" / video:
"Hillary was in Seoul discussing our expanding global cooperative partnership with the Republic of Korea, while Bill went to New York City's Ace Bar, and bought several rounds of drinks for six girls from Staten Island enjoying a bachelorette party."
••• "WABC: The Most Trusted Name in News" / video:
Last night Dave ran some amusing banter from the anchors at WABC-7. Today they set out to turn the tables with some video from Dave. Oops. They don't have it.
••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Kim Jong Il's Campaign Headquarters ••• 2009 Slam Dunk Champion, Nate Robinson of the New York Knicks, leaps over Biff Henderson enroute to a slam dunk. ••• David Spade plugs Rules of Engagement. ••• Act 5: replays of Nate Robinson's dunk ••• Richard Zoglin, author of Comedy at the Edge: How Stand-up in the 1970s Changed America ••• our old friend, David Sanborn, with guest Sam Moore

2/20/09 [3071]: desk chat: Dave was especially amused during tonight's preshow questions. When he asked a gentleman questioner where he was from, the dude stammered around before replying, "Topeka." Dave replied, "You're lying!'' Upon further questioning, it turned out he's from Wakarusa, Kansas, five or six miles south of Topeka (and 50 miles southeast of me in Manhattan). Dave latches onto the opportunity, repeating Wakarusa several times during the show, and the Top Ten is rewritten with a Topeka reference. ••• "Important Announcement" / video:

"This is an important announcement about a once-in-a-lifetime economic opportunity. Foreclosed properties are selling for pennies on the dollar." (photos of homes) "Make an offer on this historic New York City commercial space." (photo of the Ed Sullivan Theater) "Current tenant will be evicted on March 1st." (photo of David Letterman at his desk) "Call today to place your bid."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave plugs the Late Show Fun Facts book. ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Samuel Clemens used the name Mark Twain when writing, and Bob Levine when checking into a hotel with a whore. / glass-breaking FX: "Bigger and better." (jingle) / 2. In 2008 in Afghanistan, the best-selling book was Osama bin Laden's Too Fat to Jihad. / FX: "More, more, more, more, more for your money." (jingle) 3. Snoop Dogg's blood type is AB negzizzle.] ••• Top Ten Signs Your Film Is Not Going to Win an Academy Award ••• Barbara Walters plugs her annual Oscars preshow interview special. / "Barbara Walters Candle Count" (For some reason, Barbara has a number of lit candles in her interview sets.) ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview" (Barbara Walters is Alan's unfortunate victim this time, as he recites the usual indecent suggestions.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday's Late Show is going to be great!" ••• Mike Birbiglia does stand-up. ••• Shemekia Copeland sings.

2/23/09: REPEAT FROM 1/08/09

2/24/09: REPEAT FROM 2/02/09

2/25/09: REPEAT FROM 1/29/09

2/26/09: REPEAT FROM 2/11/09

2/27/09: REPEAT FROM 1/14/09

3/02/09 [3072]: New York City received about a foot of snow today. Mayor Bloomberg's office has an announcement. / video and voice-over:

(clip of New Yorkers buried in snow) "New York City was hit on Monday with nearly a foot of snow. At LaGuardia Airport, the snowfall measured 10 inches. In Central Park, it measured 9 inches. And at Mayor Bloomberg's home, it measured 11 inches." (doctored photo of the mayor's head sticking out of a snowdrift) "Bloomberg: the littlest mayor."
••• "Late Show Winter Weather Roundup" / video:
(CNN's John Roberts) "March roaring in like a lion." (CNN): "March roars in like a lion." (NBC's Today): "They say March comes in like a lion." (MSNBC): "March roars in like a lion." (CBS's The Early Show): "March roars in like a lion." (sounds like Fox's Bill Hemmer): "March roars in like a lion." (CNN's Kiran Chetry): "...and March roaring in like a lion." (FOX 5's A. J. Burnett in Massachusetts): "March is roaring in like a lion." (WNBC 4 New York): "March definitely coming in like a lion." (CNBC): "March... coming in... like a lion." (WNBC 4 New York): "March is sort of roaring in like a lion." (Fox 5's Linda Schmidt): "March... it comes in like a lion." (WCBS 2 New York's Tony Aiello): "Did Marie say March is coming in like a lion?"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights" ••• desk chat: Dave says 12 inches of snow is exciting, and so is U2. Dave shows the cover of their album, "No Line on the Horizon." ••• outside cam: All four U2 boys are out on 53rd St. by the Roseland Theater, shoveling snow. ••• "Small Town News" ••• Top Ten Things Overheard in New York During Today's Snowstorm ••• Katie Couric ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is the place to be" and a message to Alan's neighbor: "You never call just to see how Big Red is doing." ••• "It's a Fact with George Clarke" / video:
(We see our favorite building engineer holding an ice skate, while displaying a bloody stump which once connected to his right hand. Actually, George now has one of those pirate hooks to replace his hand.) "Alcohol and skate sharpening don't mix. It's a fact."
••• U2 sing.

3/03/09 [3073]: monologue: "It's so cold" jokes, and Dave gets the aaoogah horn when he says "big ****ing deal." ••• Before Barack Obama announced his plan to remove troops from Iraq, he called George W. Bush as a courtesy. / video:

Barack Obama: "There's starting to be a growing consensus that it's time for us to withdraw our combat troops out of Iraq."

George W. Bush: (unintelligible, as the former president is gnawing on potato chips)

••• Here's a brand new segment: "Bobby Jindal: The Whistling Governor." / heavily-edited video:
"Aisles. / Shelves. / Jobs. / Homes. / Solutions. / Partners. / Debts. / Whites. / Experience. / Hearts. / Citizens. / Efforts. / Hurricanes. / Problems. / Workers. / Homebuyers. / Jobs. / Earmark ?. / Fuels. / Independence. / Patience. / Bureaucrats. / Citizens. / Schools. / Choice. / Troops. / Areas. / Jobs. / Principles. / Oval Office." (The Governor whistles with practically every word he utters.)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Mayor Michael Bloomberg dropped by today to officially rename 53rd St. "U2 Way" for a few days. / video of His Honor outside ••• Dave reminds us that once upon a time there was a Dave Letterman Way. (video of some crazy parade, supposedly in the West Village) ••• desk chat: When Bill Clinton was president it was gold for the Late Show, thanks to "the heavy-set girl." Many at the show were uncertain about their futures in comedy when George W. Bush took office. He was gold, as well. With Barack Obama, we've got nothing. Writer Joe Grossman comes out once again to deliver some Barack Obama jokes. He's back with his tattered little notebook.
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, when his running mate, Dick Cheney, gave him a globe for his birthday, he asked him if it was actual size."
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, on his first date with his wife, Laura, he told her to meet him on the corner of Walk and Don't Walk."
  • "Barack Obama is so dumb, when Condoleezza Rice told him she was going to Thailand, he thought it was a men's clothing store."
Hmmm. This isn't working out. This is the fourth time he's come out and done this. These were George W. Bush jokes. Dave gives Joe one more chance.
  • "Barack Obama is so fat, when his wife, Tipper, took his suit to the dry cleaners they said, 'Sorry, we don't do curtains.' "
••• Top Ten Signs Your Stockbroker Is Losing It ••• Felicity Huffman plugs Phoebe in Wonderland. ••• Artie Lange plugs his book, Too Fat to Fish. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be amazing" and "What do you think of Dave's earrings?" ••• more Artie Lange ••• U2 sing.

3/04/09 [3074]: cold open: Dave and Tony Mendez, Cue Card Wonder Boy, are in Dave's dressing room. Tony's putting the final touches on a card. Meanwhile, Dave's holding a hand mirror which is blocking his face from our view. As he moves it aside, we see that he's drawn on one of those John Waters / David Niven thin mustaches.

Dave: "Hey, Tony..."

Tony: "Huh?"

Dave: "Do I look like Zorro?"

Tony (barely glancing over at the back of Dave's head): "Yes, Mr. Letterman. You look exactly like Zorro."

Both gentlemen break out in uncontrollable laughter.

(opening montage, with Big Red and the CBSO)

••• The Discovery Channel has a new documentary, The Hudson Plane Crash: What Really Happened? / video and voice-over by Security Boss Bill DeLace:
"Bird hit the plane. Plane hit the water."
••• David Paterson became Governor of New York on March 17, 2008 after that naughty Eliot Spitzer made the acquaintance of all those whores. Paterson's approval rating was sky high, but it has dropped. / video:
"Governor Paterson's approval rating has fallen to 26%, which is even lower than Eliot Spitzer's after the prostitution scandal. In an effort to boost his sagging numbers, Paterson would like to announce, it's Whore-a-Palooza in Albany!" (photo of whores) "The Governor's gonna be nailin' whores left and right. Governor Paterson: 'Sorry honey. It's for work.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• U2 members Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr. present the Top Ten Things U2 Has Learned Over the Years. (This very funny TTL is in my Video Archives.) ••• Dr. Phil McGraw ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tune in tomorrow as Dave welcomes Jon Stewart." ••• outside cam to the CBS Store for another visit with Stanley Cronkite (No... he's no relation.) / Or is it Johnny Dark? / Dave and Stanley have their usual discussion on celebrity keychains, and Stanley sings "My Way." ••• U2 sing.

3/05/09 [3075]: There's been discussion this week that Barack Obama is showing some gray hair that wasn't noticed prior to Inauguration Day. / "How the Presidents Aged" / video:

"After eight years in office, Bill Clinton's hair had gone almost completely white," (photos of Clinton) "George W. Bush had developed noticeable lines in his face," (photos of Bush) "and Dwight Eisenhower had developed into one of those creepy Benjamin Button babies." (photo of a diapered Ike)
(Personal note: I challenge you to find the phrase diapered Ike anywhere else on the Internet.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells us how good it's been to have U2 in this week. They haven't been snotty like some of the bands. In fact, they actually asked for something extra to do. Roll video of receptionist Art Kelly (no... not Mike Singletary) upstairs, taking a call. He needs to put the caller on hold. Art holds the phone handset up in the air as the shot widens to reveal the members of U2. They sing José Fernández's "Guantanamera" for the caller. / video:
Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera
Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera
Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera
Your call is important.
Your call is very important to us.
Please remain on the line.
Please remain on the line.
••• via satellite: Members of Team USA, who will play in the World Baseball Classic, present the Top Ten Reasons to Watch the World Baseball Classic. Those presenting are: Jimmy Rollins of the Phillies, Curtis Granderson of the Tigers, Dustin Pedroia of the Red Sox, Chipper Jones of the Braves, Roy Oswalt of the Astros, Adam Dunn of the Washington Nationals, Ryan Braun of the Brewers, Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox, David Wright of the Mets and Derek Jeter of the Yankees. ••• Jon Stewart plugs The Daily Show. ••• Act 5: The members of U2 are outside with Mayor Bloomberg on U2 Way. ••• interview with U2 members Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, Jr. ••• U2 sing.

3/06/09 [3076]: Barack Obama's approval rating is going down. / video:

"President Barack Obama has recently seen his approval rating drift downward to its current level of 60%. While respectable, 60% is still well below the historic 100% percent George W. Bush enjoys for no longer being president. George W. Bush: still misunderestimated."
••• "This Day in the Clinton Marriage" / video:
"Hillary was in Sharm al-Sheikh Egypt, where she met with the special envoy for Middle East peace and attended a conference on rebuilding Gaza, while Bill went skiing in the Pocono mountains, and relaxed in a champagne glass-shaped hot tub with a pair of ski instructors. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Late Show Did You Know?" ••• desk chat: Dave once again thanks U2 for an exciting week. ••• The banking system is struggling. At least one bank has found a way to remain profitable. / video:
"While other banks struggle to stay afloat, only Bank of America has a revolutionary new business model that's guaranteed to bring in revenue, by charging customers to drop by and see what actual cash looks like. For just 50¢ you can relive those magical days when people had money. Gaze in wonder at ones, fives, tens... even twenties! And, for an extra nickel, we'll even let you lick the denomination of your choice. The Bank of America: where money goes to die."
••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Americans eat an average of 50 pounds of chocolate per year. 2. The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long. 3. Police officers often liven up chalk body outlines by drawing silly hats. 4. Toward the end of his life, Ulysses S. Grant was arrested for counterfeiting $50 bills. 5. Tarzan suffered from chronic vine burn on his nuts. 6. Ten percent of all United States oil discoveries are made by hillbillies shooting at some food. / glass-breaking FX: "It's a wonderful, wonderful..." (jingle) ] ••• Top Ten Signs You're on a Bad Spring Break ••• Jason Segel plugs I Love You, Man. ••• Our friends from U2 have kindly agreed to answer a question someone posted on the Web site. / "Ask U2" / video:
(We see the members of U2 backstage at the Ed.)

Bono: "Jeff Mulroy of Akron, Ohio writes, 'Dear U2, the draft inducer motor in my gas furnace only comes on intermittently, so I'm not getting much heat. What's wrong?' "

The Edge: "Well, Jeff, you should start out by measuring the AC voltage being supplied to the inducer motor."

Adam Clayton: "That's right, The Edge. If it's at a steady 120 volts and the inducer motor doesn't run reliably, it's time for a new motor."

Larry Mullen, Jr.: "Also, Jeff, if the voltage supplied to the motor is erratic, but the 24-volt power supply to the circuit board is steady, you probably need a new circuit board."

Bono: "Hope that helps, Jeff. Thanks for writing."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday's Late Show is going to be great" and a reminder on Daylight Savings Time for Sunday ••• Brian Kiley of Delocated does stand-up. ••• U2 sing.

3/09/09 [3077]: Barack Obama has had trouble filling his Cabinet positions. / video:

"After months of speculation, Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration to be the nation's next Surgeon General. Instead he plans to devote his energy to family, pay attention to surgical duties and spend more time Sanjaying his Gupta." (boing noise) "This has been 'It Sort of Sounds Like a Joke,' sponsored by True Value® Hardware. True Value®. Start right. Start here." (circus music and slide whistle)
••• "This Day in the Clinton Marriage" / video:
"Hillary was back in Washington after a week-long tour of the Middle East and Europe, aimed at promoting goodwill and reaching out to longtime adversaries, while Bill was spring breaking in Panama City Beach, Florida, where he did Jell-O® shots with the University of Florida girls' volleyball team. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave visits with the audience just before each show. Tonight a man from Virginia (whose name isn't Billy) asked about Harry. When Dave reciprocated by asking about his kids, the gentleman looked at Dave as though he had fainted. (Dave does his trademark wide-eyed look.) He didn't answer until he received an elbow in the ribs from the lady next to him, who turned out to be his cousin. Eventually he answered, "Yes, I do." ••• desk chat: Dave takes another opportunity to recognize U2 for showing up every night last week. In fact, they're still here in the green room. / Green Room Cam / Dave apologizes for not having time for them on tonight's program. Larry Mullen, Jr. takes it hard, and bounces a drumstick off the floor. ••• desk chat: Dave shows a new book, The Skinny on Losing Weight without Being Hungry, by our old friend, Louis J. Aronne, M.D. Dave invites Dr. Lou out to tell us about his research that led to the book. George Clarke appears in the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge." The 5' 8" George officially weighs in at 257.0 pounds, and we're going to see how he does losing weight over the next few weeks. ••• Russell Brand plugs his book, My Booky Wooky. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be great!" ••• Jungle Jack Hanna, as usual, brings out an assortment of critters which are natural enemies of each other.

3/10/09 [3078]: "News Buzzwords of the Week" / video:

Barack Obama: "I'm proud that we passed a recovery plan free of earmarks." (Now we proceed to a series of anchors and talking heads with their buzzwords.) "Earmarks." "8,500 earmarks." "9,000 earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks and pork." "Earmarks and pork." "Pork barrel politics." "Pork barrel spending." "Pork-laden." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Earmark pork." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Pork projects."
••• Victims of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme will be allowed to give statements in court. / "Bernie Madoff Victim Statements" / video:
"Bernie Madoff stole my life savings. Now I can't retire, and I'm forced to continue working at a job I hate." —Paul Shaffer, New York City
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wishes happy birthday to Felicia Collins. ••• The show has run "Small Town News" for decades, and now we have a spinoff. / "Guys Who Look Like Dave" / photo gallery:
  • Dr. Steve Bont, Osceola, Wisconsin (Yes.)
  • Dean Blais, Fargo, North Dakota (Really?)
  • Dr. Howard Tobin of Abilene, Texas (I guess.)
  • Dr. John Wiley of Madison, Wisconson (I don't know.)
  • Larry Sisterman of Huntsville, Alabama (Really? The name is similar, anyway.)
  • Dr. John W. Graham of Lamar, Missouri (I don't think so.)
  • Ryan Warner of North Manchester, Indiana (Come on!)
  • Bob Graef of Arlington, Washington (I don't know.)
  • Capt. Christopher Nervick of Milford, New Hampshire (How about just guys?)
  • Sheila Stevenson of Kearny, Arizona (woman with glasses)
  • assisted living advertisement model of Lansing, Michigan (smiling geezer)
  • a guy arrested for throwing shingles off a roof at someone of Mariposa, California (Yes!)
••• "Stupid Pet Tricks":
  • Abe Taylor and Sparky of San Francisco: Sparky is possessed by the devil and shows his teeth.
  • Karen Edwards and Babe of Opelousas, Louisiana: Babe can bark out the number written on a card. (Really.)
  • Mike Bower and Bailey of Buffalo, New York: Bailey plays dead.
••• Paul Rudd plugs I Love You, Man. ••• Act 5: promo for Animal Week on the Late Show: "Tomorrow Tom Brokaw boxes a kangaroo. It's gonna be sick!" ••• more Paul Rudd ••• Razorlight sing.

3/11/09 [3079]: cold open: We see Dave and Tony Mendez in a dressing room. Tony's reading from a tabloid.

Tony: "Wow. It says here a man was arrested for having sex his vacuum cleaner."

Dave: (turning slowly toward Tony, nervously): "They, uh... they don't say who, do they?"

••• "Bernie Madoff's Final Days Before Prison" / video:
(picture of a Subway® entrance) "Today Bernie Madoff went to Subway® and tried to sneak out with $4 worth of meatballs in his mouth." (picture of Bernie with his little cheeks all expanded out, like a chipmunk)
••• "A Message from the Republican National Committee" / video:
"In the wake of two disastrous elections, infighting and historically-low poll numbers, we here at the Republican party have decided to rebrand our image." (picture of an elephant) "That's why we're changing our symbol from this loud, rampaging, bloated beast to this one." (picture of Rush Limbaugh) "A Message from the Republican National Committee"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: It's another incident of camera troubles as Dave previews tonight's program. All we can see of Dave is his chest.
Dave: "Oh, Lord, what is this? Whoa? What is happening?

Paul: "What's going on?"

Dave: "I think the foundation is settling. What? Is it me? We have a new chair. I think it's just me.

Paul: "I don't think it's the chair."

Dave, with his head on the desk: "Hi! We've had a lot of trouble with standing water and I think we're..."

Paul: "I don't think it's the chair."

Dave: "Uh, Dave? Excuse me. Dave, Dave Dorsett? Hi, Dave. How are you? I'm sorry. I'm I know what this is. It happens all the time. Monday, because of the time change, groggiest day of the year, and you're still a little tired from losin' sleep? Is that it, Dave?"

Dave Dorsett: "No. I get very sad when I realize I've wasted my life on this lousy show."

••• Andy Kindler drops by to set up "Andy Kindler Visits Wall Street" (with various traders, Maria Bartiromo of CNBC and Nobel laureate Paul Krugman) ••• Tom Brokaw ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be great!" and "If you have a picture of someone who doesn't look like Dave, send it in." ••• Tom Brokaw ••• desk chat: Dave has mail that just came in on the Internet.
"Dear Sir: Normally I enjoy your fine program, but I must take umbrage with an accusation launched during your interview with Tom Brokaw. We are proud to only be the third-most-deadly cheese, so if you want to make fun of a vile, choke-worthy cheese, I suggest you direct your remarks to the Muenster people."

— Thomas Carlson, president, International Gouda Cheese Concerns

••• interruption: Alan Kalter is missing. He's found backstage, playing poker with his Japanese business friends. ••• An Horse sing.

3/12/09 [3080]: That worthless bastard, Bernie Madoff, went to court today to answer for swindling people out of at least $64 billion dollars. He confessed, and was hauled straight to the graybar hotel. / "Bernie Madoff Court Appearance" / exclusive videotape:

We see some kind of Spanish-language show. Apparently a couple of young ladies have a score to settle with a gentleman, as they throw a pie in his face, and bang on his noggin with some sort of crow-looking piñata.
••• If you go in an area strip club, they're going to tax you $10. Here's how they're going to do it. / video:
"New York state is considering a $10 tax on strip club visits, in order to generate desperately-needed revenue. New York City residents can pay the tax by placing 10 crumpled $1 bills in the waistband of Mayor Bloomberg's underpants. Mayor Mike Bloomberg: Yes we can!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Tiger Woods had knee surgery, and he's been away from golf for six months. Dave learned from TV that "Tiger's back, and he's on the prowl." ••• "Bernie Madoff's Final Hour of Freedom" / video:
"Early this morning on the way to court, Bernie Madoff stopped off at the Central Park Zoo, and tried to smuggle out a pelican in his pants."
••• glass-breaking FX: "See the man today." (jingle) ••• Top Ten Messges Left on Bernie Madoff's Answering Macnine ••• interruption: Lyle the Intern (Jimmi Simpson) drops by. ••• Andy Samberg plugs Saturday Night Live and his album, Incredibad. ••• Paul Teutul, Sr. plugs his new book, The Ride of a Lifetime. Paul presents Dave with a specially painted chopper gas tank. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You won't want to miss tomorrow's Late Show" and "You Supply the Punchline" ••• more Paul Teutul, Sr. ••• Karen Olivo and the cast of Broadway's West Side Story perform a number.

3/13/09 [3081]: Do you have the Apple iPhone™? Dave saw a crazy commercial today. / video and voice-over:

"Even though the Taliban has historically shunned modern technology, I am here to tell you I cannot live without the Apple iPhone™." (We hear Mark Mothersbaugh's "I'm a Mac" music.) "It has so many uses. You can use it to prop up the leg of a wobbly table. You can throw it at a tank. And it makes a handy beard scratcher."
••• Tom Cruise will be starring in a movie about the 28th Amendment. / video:
(picture of the United States Capitol) "Warner Brothers presents a harrowing tale of a conspiracy that threatens to undermine the United States government, starring Tom Cruise as the president." (picture of the diminutive Tom, barely able to peer over the desk in the Oval Office) "The 28th Amendment: coming soon."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• In these times, we all can use some money-saving tips. Our old friends Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan have just released "Money-Saving Tips with Chris and Gerry." / video:
Gerard: "Do you like the atmosphere of a high-priced coffee chain, but can't afford it?"

Chris: "You bet, Gerry, and here's what I do." (reaching into his jacket) "I bring my own mug... and my own coffee... and my own hot water." (Chris fumbles with a plastic sandwich bag filled with scalding water.)

Gerard: "Ha ha ha ha."

Chris, obviously irritated, throws the hot water at Gerry's eyes.

••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. The human eye blinks an average of 4,200,000 times a year. 2. When glass breaks, the cracks move at speeds up to 3,000 MPH. 3. New Zealand is home to 4,000,000 people and 70,000,000 sheep. 4. In 2008, 131 employees of the La-Z-Boy® company were fired for laziness. / glass-breaking FX: "It's hard to believe, but it's true." (jingle) / 5. The expression "No ****, Sherlock" first appeared in Leviticus. (Dave got the aaoogah censoring horn for that one.) / Paul gets censored while visiting with Dave. He scored a blur box over his bird finger when he used it to count to two.] ••• Top Ten Ways the GOP Can Become More Hip ••• Will Ferrell interview / Will sings an awful song. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday's Late Show is the place to be" and "Guests of the Late Show stay at my house." ••• CBS has a new policy that the show has begun to implement. / backstage cam: Biff Henderson conducts an exit interview with Will Ferrell. ••• Cursive sing. OK... that's a stretch. Their performance was better described as caterwauling. It was an epic fail... truly awful.

3/16/09 [3082]: video: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• video: "A Panda Sneezing" ••• desk chat: As a parent, Dave worries that he doesn't know what he's doing, so he talks to other parents to get ideas on possible activities for Harry. A Late Show staffer suggested the circus, then told Dave about her own kid's visit. A clown got in her grandmother's face, prompting her to holler, "Get the thing from me!" ••• Bernie Madoff was on house arrest in his $7,000,000 New York apartment from December 11, 2008 until he landed in the slammer on March 12, 2009. / "At Home with the Madoffs" / exclusive video:

Ruth (wearing her Trophy Wife t-shirt): "Alright, Bernie, I can be at the prison on the 15th for a conjugal visit."

Bernie (absorbed in a copy of Business Week): "Can't. Laundry duty."

Ruth: "How about the 19th?"

Bernie: "No can do. I got backgammon with the fellas."

Ruth: "What about the week of the 28th?"

Bernie: "I'm busy that whole week."

Ruth (hollering): "Doin' what?"

Bernie (lowering the magazine to reveal he's the legendary Pete Fatovich, grinning devilishly): "Thinkin' of excuses for not having sex with you!"

(Roll credits.)

••• desk chat: Dave says he and Harry were snow skiing in the Berkshires over the weekend, and an unnamed ski instructor wrote a TTL for him. Dave decided to air it. / Top Ten Reasons David Letterman Is at Catamount ••• Nicolas Cage plugs Knowing. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow Dave welcomes Julia Roberts and Bell X1" and "Beginning March 30th for a limited engagement, the role of Dave will be played by William H. Macy. We'll be right back." ••• Rachel Maddo̅w plugs The Rachel Maddow Show.

3/17/09 [3083]: Up in Canada, there's a new service on cable TV, The Obituary Channel™ / video:

(We see The Obituary Channel™ logo, which is a "dead ringer" for The Weather Channel™ logo.) Announce: "You're watching The Obituary Channel™. Now here's the five-day forecast." (geezer picture) "Things aren't looking too sunny for 93-year-old Seymour Feinberg, who's heading south at a rapid pace." (geezer picture) "Doctors say Wally Olsen has reached a high of 89, with only a five percent chance of reaching the low 90s." (geezer picture) "And if you're friends with 96-year-old Leonard Rosenblum, you might want to pack some black clothing this weekend. The Obituary Channel™ will be back after these words from Sanka®."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• fashion show: Dave shows his green St. Patrick's Day suspenders. ••• "Late Show Stagehand Riverdance" (with Pat Farmer, Tommy O'Brien and two others) Their performance lasts 15 seconds. ••• Bernie Madoff is in prison for about 150 years. What was it like during his approximately two months in house arrest with his lovely wife? / "At Home with The Madoffs" / exclusive video:
(We see Bernie at the dining table, and Ruth walking around.)

Ruth (in a loud, shrill voice): "Prison, Bernie! I won't get to see you. I won't get to talk to you. I won't get to make love to you."

Bernie (played by the legendary Pete "Who gives a rat's ass?" Fatovich): "I know." (Bernie looks at the camera with a big grin.) "That's why I did it!"

(Roll credits.)

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Guy Dressed as a Leprechaun (presented on the street by stage manager Eddie Valk) ••• Julia Roberts plugs Duplicity in multiple segments, as Dave hits on her almost nonstop. / clip of Harry Letterman waving ••• Act 5: more "Late Show Stagehand Riverdance" ••• more Julia Roberts ••• Irish group Bell X1 sing.

3/18/09 [3084]: Many of us have cheated death by riding in a New York City cab. A New York cab driver continues to drive after three suspensions of his license and a rap sheet that includes arrests for DWI, slashing a passenger with a boxcutter and punching another driver in the head during a traffic jam. / "A Message from the New York Taxi & Limousine Commission" / video:

"Ramez Akladious has had his taxi license revoked, yet he is still out there picking up passengers. So if you see a car in New York City that looks like this..." (picture of a yellow taxicab) "...do not get in. 'A Message from the New York Taxi & Limousine Commission.' "
••• "This Day in the Clinton Marriage" / video:
"Hillary held a bilateral meeting with Minister for Foreign Affairs of Ireland, and met with environmental ambassadors from several countries, while Bill was in Cancun, Mexico, where he drank tequila poured down an ice luge by a hot bartender named Consuela. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "
••• desk chat: Dave piles compliments on Craig Ferguson and his show. ••• "At Home with the Madoffs" / actual, rare video:
(doorbell)

Ruth: "That's the pizza, Bernie. Go pay the man."

Bernie (played by the legendary Pete "Who gives a rat's ass?" Fatovich) goes to the door.

pizza man: "That'll be $12."

Bernie: "I ain't got $12."

pizza man: "We'll you've gotta give me somethin.' "

Bernie: "Hold on."

Soon after, Bernie returns to the apartment door and shoves Ruth out into the hallway.

Bernie: "Here you go!"

Bernie accepts the pizza, looks at the camera with a big smile and says, "Keep the change."

(Cue credits and Love American Style theme song.)

••• "Small Town News" ••• glass breaking sound FX: Jeff Altman as Len Easton with police dispatch traffic / audio:
"Ahhh, 212... Len Easton I'm gonna take five with partner McCulloch... we'll eat it and beat it back to Wilshire Station in one hour. Please have squad car ready to run. We've got broken knobs and rats and need wheels." (unintelligible)
••• Pete Fatovich bumper ••• Craig Ferguson plugs the Late Late Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show" and "You could save 65% off tonight's Late Show by switching to a generic substitute." ••• Ginnifer Goodwin plugs Big Love. ••• Modest Mouse sing.

3/19/09: REPEAT FROM 1/12/09

3/20/09: REPEAT FROM 2/19/09

3/23/09 [3085]: Barack Obama appeared on 60 Minutes on Sunday, and he seemed a little bit giddy. People wonder if he's taking things seriously. We see the president on 60 Minutes with Steve Kroft. / video:

(The president, with a big smile, is wearing one of those birthday party balloon hats.)

"Oh, no, there's got to be a little gallows humor to get through the thing. You know sometimes my team talks about the fact that if you had said to us a year ago..."

••• Critics of Barack Obama are criticizing his overuse of the TelePrompTer. / "Teleprompter vs. No Teleprompter" / video:
Barack Obama, addressing Congress: "This was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, something worthy to be remembered."

George W. Bush at one of his forums: stammering something awful

Announce: "This has been 'Teleprompter vs. No Teleprompter.' "

••• desk chat: The Ball State women's basketball team beat Tennessee 71-55 over the weekend. ••• desk chat: Dave shows Dr. Lou Aronne's new book, The Skinny on Losing Weight without Being Hungry. ••• desk chat: Bruce Willis and his beautiful girlfriend, Emma Heming, were married on March 21 in the Turks & Caicos Islands. David Letterman and Regina Lasko were married in the Teton Country Courthouse in Choteau, Montana on March 19. Dave and Regina had been dating since February, 1986. Justice of the Peace John L. "Pete" Howard married them. ••• "At Home with the Madoffs" / video:
(We see Bernie Madoff — or Pete Fatovich, if you prefer — at home, playing his accordion, and he is interrupted by a knock on the door. It's a UPS delivery man — or Michael Z. McIntee, if you prefer.)

Bernie: "How can I help you?"

UPS Man: "Package for Madoff. Sign here."

Bernie: signs

UPS Man, turning to leave: "Have a nice day."

Bernie: smashing a vase on the man's head: "Yeah... you, too."

Bernie looks up at the camera with his trademark mischievous smile and says, "I just love being an ***hole!"

(Cue credits.)

••• desk chat: more on the wedding: Dave believes a lot of married men used to admire him for staying unmarried for 23 years. ••• "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge" / Louis J. Aronne, M.D. and George Clarke appear onstage for an update on George's weight loss program. On day one, March 9, George weighed 257 pounds. Tonight he's down to 245.9 pounds, and his waist has reduced from 49" to 46". Lou has his lab coat on. ••• Hugh Laurie plugs Monsters vs. Aliens. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to tune in to tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Sarah Paulson, actress and hypochondriac, plugs Cupid. ••• Bloc Party sing.

3/24/09 [3086]: desk chat: AIG received big-time bailout money from the government, and almost at the same time gave million-dollar bonuses to their top brass. / video:

"The American people are outraged by the enormous bonuses showered on AIG executives. It's infuriating to see millions of dollars given to people who caused economic calamity. And, on a similar note, congratulations to George W. Bush, who's getting $7,000,000 for his presidential memoirs. George W. Bush: How do you spell incompetence?"
••• Dave thanks everyone for sending congratulations on his wedding to Regina Lasko last week. He got one message that was especially cute. / video:
(We see that worthless bastard, Osama bin Laden, outside his cave.)

Osama: "Dave, way to go on finally getting married. Now be a real man like me, and marry three more. Forget water boarding. That's torture. I'm kidding. Anyway, congratulations to you and the little lady. Oh, and death to America. And watch for a gift from Bloomingdale's."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reminds us that his Ball State University women's basketball team defeated #18 Tennessee two days ago. ••• desk chat: Dave thanks Mary Tyler Moore for giving him his start in television. ••• "At Home with the Madoffs" / video:
(The opening montage rolls to the tune of the Benson theme song.)

(We see Bernie and Ruth Madoff side-by-side on the couch, watching the tube. Ruth, of course, is wearing her Trophy Wife T-shirt. The topic on the news channel is the AIG scandal.)

Bernie: "Let's watch something else. Where's the clicker?"

Ruth: (digs around the cushions to look for it): "Why's that darned remote always goin' missing?"

Bernie: "Here. Try my electronic ankle bracelet."

Ruth gives the bracelet a poke, and it works like a charm.

Bernie: (gives a Fonzie thumbs up): "Heyyy!"

(Roll closing credits and the Happy Days theme song.)

(Whoops! I almost forgot to mention that Bernie is played by Pete Fatovich, legendary retired associate director.)

••• interruption: Cameraman Dave Dorsett's in front of his camera at point blank range. He says, "Hey, kiddo, I know you're going through a rough time, and I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you." He goes on and on. Dave asks, "I'm sorry, Dave. What are you doin'?" Dorsett: "I'm just giving a message to your wife." ••• Top Ten Reasons I Got Married ••• Mary Tyler Moore ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" and "Historians are already calling tomorrow's show a classic." ••• Blake Lively plugs Gossip Girl. ••• White Lies sing.

3/25/09 [3087]: ER is in its last season. / video:

Announce: "After 15 seasons, ER is saying goodbye. Watch as several old friends return for one last curtain call."

(We see George Clooney, Anthony Edwards, George Wendt at the Cheers bar, Redd Foxx on Sanford and Son and Leonard Nimoy on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise.)

Announce: "ER: only on NBC."

••• It's another episode of "Cool / Not Cool" / video:
We see President Barack Obama filling out his NCAA tournament bracket, followed by George W. Bush trying to dribble a basketball on something that makes it drop like a sack of potatoes.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Pete Fatovich stars in another episode of "At Home with the Madoffs." / video:
(Roll title clip and the Benson theme song.)

As tonight's program opens, Bernie is relaxing on the couch, reading a newspaper.

Ruth (still in her Trophy Wife T-shirt) hollers: "Bernie, Bernie, get in the shower. My mother will be over for dinner in an hour."

Bernie: "I just called and told her we're going over to her place instead."

Ruth (now hollering in his ear): "But Bernie, you're under house arrest. That means you can't come!"

Bernie: "Oh, darn!"

(Roll credits and the Love American Style theme song.)

••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. An ostrich's eye is larger than its brain. 2. During the 1970s peanut shortage, Peanut M&Ms® were briefly candy-coated acorns. / glass-breaking FX: Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton with police traffic: "Uh, 212, Len Easton. We have a Larry Escobar, license plate 2317 bravo, currently in custody. Subject was weaving in and out of traffic... claims to have had a sneezing attack." / 3. Chiquita® pays $50,000,000 a year in workers' compensation to employees who slip on banana peels. 4. Every week nearly 300 Americans die from a bad case of the Mondays. / FX: Len Easton: "Yeah, this is Len Easton, California Highway Patrol. We're eastbound eight miles south of La Habra. Partner Larry reports extreme nausea and sweating. Probably had bad sushi at a diner in Southgate. We'll drop him at base and solo in the P.M. Over. Mommy, mommy, mommy." / 5. Most astronomers agree that if extraterrestrials exist, they're probably _ _ _ holes.] ••• after commercial: one more Fun Fact, and one more encounter with Lt. Len Easton ••• Top Ten Signs You Work for a Bad Company ••• more Len Easton ••• Christina Applegate plugs Samantha Who?. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Jim Gaffigan plugs Kim Baby. ••• Jesse Harris and Norah Jones with a musical number

3/26/09: REPEAT FROM 3/06/09

3/27/09: REPEAT FROM 2/04/09

3/30/09 [3088]: "Cool/Not Cool" / video:

Barack Obama says, "It took us a couple of days, because I like to know what I'm talking about before I speak."

George W. Bush says, "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi bin al-Shibh or whatever the guy's name was..."

••• We see a collection of news anchors and talking heads firing off cutesy words and phrases in "Late Show News Recap" / video:
"Mumbo jumbo." "Mumbo jumbo." "Mumbo jumbo... not to say chicken gumbo." "Humpty Dumpty." "Humpty Dumpty." "Humpty's Dumpty." "Rope a dope." "Topsy turvy." "Teeny weeny." "Itty bitty." "Nitty gritty." "Hoity toity." "Helter skelter." "Fuddy duddies." "Holy moley guacamole." "Hodgepodge." "Boogie woogie." "Hocus pocus." "Razzle dazzle." "Super duper." "Hanky panky spanky."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Dr. Lou's new book, The Skinny: On Losing Weight without Being Hungry - the Ultimate Guide to Weight Loss Success. ••• desk chat: Dave reports that his life is being dictated by the whims of a five-year-old. In October Dave and Harry went to Party Depot and bought 30 helium balloons. They were going to fly them like a kite. Over the weekend, they got 32" balloons, then went to the Richfield Hardware store for a new crank to control the line. The balloons got up to 500 feet, and things got interesting. / video: A helicopter flies over, and it came fairly near to getting tangled up in the line. ••• Dr. Lou Aronne and building engineer George Clarke appear onstage for the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge." On March 9 George weighed in at 257.0 pounds. On March 23 he was down to 245.9 pounds. Tonight he weighs 241.3 pounds. ••• Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having an Affair with Bernie Madoff ••• Seth Rogen plugs Observe and Report. ••• Tom Dreesen plugs his show, Shining Shoes and Sinatra. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show" and "Late Show version 8.2 is now available for download." ••• more Tom Dreesen ••• Adele sings.

3/31/09 [3089]: The Republican Party is planning a new image. / video:

"The Republicans are tired of being seen as 'The Party of No.' Instead, they want to be known as 'The Party of Yes.' That's right! We're saying 'yes' to everything."
  • (picture of Halliburton headquarters) "Shady military contracts for our political donors? Yes!"
  • (picture from Guantanamo Bay) "Torturing random people with no regard for the Constitution? Yes!"
  • (picture of Senator Larry Craig of Idaho with his pants down) "Gay bathroom sex? Hell yes!"

"The GOP. Looking ahead to 2028."

••• "Cool/Not Cool" / video:
We see President Obama filling out his NCAA tournament bracket.

Next we see former President George W. Bush dropping a basketball on a surface that won't let it bounce.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Bill O'Reilly will be out shortly. Dave says producer/writer Matt Roberts gave him some responses to use on Bill "Big Pants" O'Reilly tonight. Here they are: "Yeah, that's what you think!" "I'm not buyin' that!" "Where did you hear that?" "Whatever!" ••• "Small Town News" ••• Bill O'Reilly / I was critical of Dave's interview with Bill O'Reilly on 10/27/08, as he made no effort to have an intelligent discussion. Tonight there was some foolishness, but several important topics were covered. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow night on PBS..." ••• more Bill O'Reilly ••• Marianne Faithfull sings. (Lordy mercy, I thought it was awful. Brady reports in his Big Show Synopsis that he liked it.)

Where has March gone? It's time for Mike McIntee to start writing up the month for next Monday's newsletter. The highlight for me was the return of Pete Fatovich for several installments of "At Home with the Madoffs." I thought the latest batch of Jeff Altman's Len Easton police radio reports were the best yet. Dave got married on March 19. I thought it was amusing and ironic that just two days earlier, Dave was hitting on Julia Roberts like there was no tomorrow. Building engineer George Clarke has lost 15.7 pounds in March, as documented in the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge." Nice work! I loved the Web site video, "A Grizzly Runs Through It," an animated short feature of Dave's bear story narration from 9/22/03.

4/01/09 [3090]: Happy April Fool's Day, everybody. ••• You know that AIG outfit that took all the government money, then gave out hundred-million-dollar bonuses? / video:

"After further deliberation, all top AIG executives who received bonuses have decided to give the money back. It's simply not right to take this money after receiving a taxpayer-funded bailout." (wacky boing noise) "April fools! In fact, none of us are giving the money back. See ya at Club Med, losers! AIG: The Quicker Picker-upper."
••• While Dave's still on his monologue spot, two stern-looking dudes appear onstage. Before we know it, Tony Mendez is in custody and headed offstage to parts unknown, shouting in Spanish and dropping cue cards in his path. Dave gets the attention of one of the gentlemen, who explains, "He's been adopted by Madonna." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave says he's had a cold since Labor Day, but that's not why he called us here. There's a computer virus that supposedly is a threat today. It's called Conflicker. One of the really fun features of Conflicker is the ability for the perpetrator to turn on someone else's Web cam. Wouldn't you know it? Dave was standing in front of his computer the other day, minus his clothes. Thankfully he warns us that we may be seeing him nekkid really soon. ••• Andy Kindler is with us to set up his latest taped adventure, "Yankees Spring Training" (with Joe Girardi, Humberto Sanchez, C C Sabathia, Brian Bruney, Andy Pettitte, Mark Teixeira and Goose Gossage). ••• demonstration: grocery bagging with 2009 national champion Francisco Palacios / Biff comes out to start the bagging competition between Dave and Francisco. As usual, Dave cheats something awful, scattering groceries all over the stage. Francisco finishes in 35 seconds. ••• Marg Helgenberger plugs CSI. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to tune into tomorrow's Late Show" and "If you want to see more exciting grocery bagging, stop by your local supermarket." ••• more Marg Helgenberger ••• desk chat: Dave shows a picture of himself naked by the computer. Yup. It's all over the Internet. ••• Ray LaMontagne sings.

4/02/09 [3091]: The series finale of ER was shown tonight. / "ER: The Most Memorable Episodes" / video:

(clips from past episodes)

Announce: "1997's 'Ambush,' which was broadcast live. 2004's 'Time of Death,' which unfolded in real time. 2002's 'Endoscopy,' which took place entirely inside Noah Wile's digestive tract."

••• interruption: Two female staffers, Michele O'Callaghan and Kathy Mavrikakis, approach Dave while he's still on his monologue spot. A discussion ensues:
Michele, pointing above Dave's ear: "See right here?" (and now speaking to Dave): "Could you just look straight for a second?" (and now addressing Kathy #2): "See right here? You can see where the natural hair ends and the hairpiece begins."

Kathy: "Oh, my God."

Michele: "Up close it's pretty obvious."

Kathy: "I've worked here for 24 years and I've never noticed that."

Michele: "Yeah."

Dave, as the ladies walk offstage: "I... I heard that."

••• Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• after commercial: Dave delivers a tie to an audience guy. ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Queen Elizabeth II ••• Michael J. Fox, in multiple segments, plugs his new book, Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for today's new Tony Mendez Show: "The Search for a New Set" (with Johnny Dark, Jack Black and Dave, almost) ••• The Fray sing.

4/03/09 [3092]: Some of the executives at AIG haven't returned their extravagant bonuses, received after the government bailout. / video:

(pictures of skyscrapers and lots of executives in suits)

"AIG executives recognize that in today's political climate, they cannot keep their bonuses. That's why 15 of the top 20 executives are returning the bonus money. The other five executives are not keeping their bonuses, but rather are spending the money on this message to remind Americans to 'suck it.' "

(picture of the AIG logo)

"That's right, suck it!"

••• "Cool/Not Cool" / video:
Barack Obama: "People keep on asking me, 'Well, what are you reading these days?' Well, mostly briefing books."

George W. Bush (mumbling): "Not only have I read her book, I sat next to her at dinner last night. Uh, we started off, not only did I read her book, I sat next to her at dinner." (or words to that effect)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / "Tonight's show is sick! (the good kind of sick... not the bedridden, needing antibiotics kind of sick... sick as in awesome, like the kids say nowadays... never mind)." ••• ["Fun Facts: 1. Coffeyville, Kansas once encountered a 17½" hailstone. / desk chat: Dave wanted to help General Motors, so he purchased a brand new Buick Squirrel last weekend. He's a little irritated by the wiseguy who put "Objects in the mirror may not really be there" on the mirror. / 2. The same day Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco, he left his umbrella in a cab in Oakland. / interruption: Joe Grossman strolls in front of Dave, right in the middle of our new facts. He's sexting. Dave gives him the boot.] ••• Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is in Al Qaeda ••• Denis Leary plugs his 2008 book, Why We Suck. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show ••• outside cam to the CBS Store at the corner of Broadway and 53rd St. to visit with Stanley Cronkite (Johnny Dark) / Stanley ends this week's visit with Frank Sinatra's "My Way." ••• Diana Krall sings.

4/06/09: REPEAT FROM 3/10/09

4/07/09: REPEAT FROM 3/13/09

4/08/09: REPEAT FROM 3/17/09

4/09/09: REPEAT FROM 3/09/09

4/10/09: REPEAT FROM 3/05/09

4/13/09 [3093]: Dave reminds us that his 62nd birthday was yesterday. ••• Dave's fascinated with the story about the Somali pirates vs. the Navy SEALs.

(video of the U. S. cargo ship's Captain Phillips from the Today show)

"Captain Richard Phillips was kidnapped and held captive aboard an enclosed lifeboat off the Somali coast for five days. Phillips was rescued after his captors were fatally shot by two skilled U. S. Navy SEAL snipers and one former vice-president."

(picture of Dick Cheney in full military gear, wielding a sniper rifle)

"Cheney: Still locked and loaded."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells us all about his Easters past and present, getting Easter eggs ready in 2009 and the logistics involved with hiding the eggs in the yard 1) late enough that the raccoons don't get 'em, and 2) before Harry wakes up. Dave overslept by two hours, but it all turned out OK. ••• "Small Town News" ••• desk chat from out of nowhere: Dave says people often ask him what's the difference between a house and a home. (Does he look like Martha Stewart?) If you go to visit someone's house and visit the bathroom, there are two ways to present the bathroom tissue. (Dave uses a blue card to show first a neatly torn-off roll of tissue, followed by the end of the roll folded into a triangle.) "If it is presented as a triangle, it's a home." (Cue organ music by Paul.) ••• more "Small Town News" ••• after commercial: Dave shows a photo of a toilet paper dispenser with the aforementioned triangular presentation. ••• Top Ten Messages Left on Angel Cabrera's Answering Machine ••• Zac Efron plugs 17 Again. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg ••• A. C. Newman with Nicole Atkins

4/14/09 [3094]: President Obama's daughters recently got their doggie, Bo, and the news anchors have had fun with the story, which brings us to the latest "Late Show News Recap." / video:

"The Obamas have been literally dogged by questions."

"The question of a First Pup has dogged President Obama."

"President Obama has been dogged, I guess you could say."

"Call it puppy love."

"They call it puppy love."

"Up next... puppy love."

"The buzz... or maybe the bark... in Washington..."

"Are they making a huge, doggone mistake?"

"Well, now that the dog is literally out of the bag..."

"Enough to give one... pause."

"What are people barking about now?"

"Bo will make his public bow... wow... wow..."

"This is how the story that wags a tale, you know?"

••• The Republicans don't have a president now. They're looking long and hard for something to complain about. (Dave wouldn't give their troubles to a monkey on a rock, by the way.) They're upset about the White House dog. / video:
"President Obama delighted his two young daughters with a brand new puppy, an adorable Portuguese Water Dog. We here at the Republican Party are wondering what President Obama's objection was to choosing an American Water Dog. Why do you hate America, Mr. President? The Republican Party: We got nothing."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and Late Show fire drill ••• The Somali pirates are irritated that five of their colleagues were rubbed out this week by Navy SEALs. / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a Somali Pirate ••• outside cam: Kelly Ripa pausing for photos on 53rd St. ••• Kelly Ripa ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us for tomorrow's Late Show" ••• Late Show writer and strike captain, Bill Scheft, plugs his new book, Everybody Hurts. ••• Yeah Yeah Yeahs sing.

4/15/09 [3095]: Mel Gibson is apparently getting divorced. / video:

"Mel Gibson and his wife are divorcing. The couple would like America to know there are no hard feelings, and it's an amicable split. And while both sides take responsibility, Mel Gibson still blames the Jews. Mel Gibson: Be there."
••• Isiah Thomas has been hired as head coach by Florida International University. / video:
"Hey kids. This fall Florida International University is the place to be! We've hired Isiah Thomas to coach our basketball team. But that's not all. George W. Bush has been added to the political science department, and Phil Spektor's heading up women's studies. The future looks bright with Bernie Madoff handling the endowment. And if you want to go abroad, kids can now spend a Semester at Sea off the coast of Somalia. When the other schools say 'no,' FIU says 'yes!' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• glass breaking FX: Jeff Altman as Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol / audio:
"Ahh, this is 212, Len Easton. We're in pursuit of a 1984 Buick LeSabre, license 296ABB. Vehicle rolled over spiked strips and is currently running on rims only. We'll try a pit maneuver and spin it around and report. 10-4." (the rest unintelligible, as planned)
••• Dave's fascinated with the Somali pirate situation, so what better opportunity to have the legendary Gerard Mulligan appear onstage as a Somali pirate? That's right. It's Gerard wearing whatever he put on this morning, with the addition of a funny hat and a BB gun. Here we go.
Pirate: "Thank you, Dave."

Dave: "Nice meeting you, sir. Thank you very much for being here. Tell us, if you can, in a little encapsulated version, what's it like being a Somali pirate?"

Pirate: "Well, Dave, uh, I went to the Somali doctor the other day. Doctor gave me six months to live. Six months. So then I put a gun to his head and held him hostage. The doctor gave me another six months!"

Anton Fig: rim shot

Dave: "Well, how about that! That's good news... sure."

Pirate: "My Somali doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough.'  "

Anton: rim shot

Dave: "Oh, my God. Yeah."

Pirate: "You know, my Somali pirate friends and I were out drinking."

Dave: "Ohhh."

Pirate: "Oh yeah. The United States military rounded us up and brought us in for interrogation. The Army captain said, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' I said, 'OK. Let's get started!'  "

Anton: drums

Dave: "Yeah. Come on."

Pirate: "I've gotta tell ya. I've gotta tell ya. Those houses on our secret island hideouts are small."

Dave: "They're a small house?"

Pirate: "Oh, they're small houses. So small I got home the other night... put my key in the door, and broke the window!"

Anton: rim shot

Dave: "Really. That's nice. You can do better than that, boy."

Pirate: "I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years."

Dave: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that. That's good."

Pirate: "If my Somali pirate wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. Thank you, everybody. Goodnight!"

Dave: "Yeah... I'll bet she will. You know, I've said it a million times. Most people are pretty darn nice if you give them half a chance."

••• Top Ten Things I've Learned from Being an Accountant (presented onstage by accountants Phil DeFalco, Andrew Ross, John Fodera, Richard Koenigsberg, Adele Valenzuela, Doug Cohen, Andrew Rubin, Sandra Bissell, Roger Levenson and Richard Cohen) ••• desk chat: Dave takes a moment to look over audience questions for Drew. For example: "What's your favorite cookie?" ••• Drew Barrymore plugs Grey Gardens. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "America, please help control the television population. Remember to have your TV spayed or neutered." ••• Neko Case sings. ••• At the end of the show, Dave apologizes to Jack McBrayer, who took a powder when Dave referred to him as Jim early in the show. (Dave quickly corrected himself after Gaines yelled across the stage, but apparently that wasn't good enough. Personally, I've never heard of him.)

4/16/09 [3096]: The governor of Republic of Texas has suggested that it might become its own country. / video:

"Texas is threatening to secede from the Union. Let's imagine what America would be like without the contributions of Texans. An America without people such as George W. Bush."

(clip of George W. Bush trying to get through a locked door)

"Sounds good to us! A message from the other 49 states."

••• We should have expected that people would try to profit from the Somali pirates situation, and they certainly have. / video:
(announce): "New from Lego®... it's the Somali Pirate Playset™! Build the pirate ship. Raid the unarmed shipping vessel. Hold hostages for ransom. But watch out for the Navy SEALs. Lego Somali Pirate Playset™: Buy one today!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
We're greeted by an old-time wrangler with a gravelly voice. He begins: "One day, oh, 10... maybe 20 years ago, I was punchin' cows down at the old Flyin' D with the Pontoon brothers. One of 'em says to me, 'Hey, B.B., there's a guy up in Manitoba runnin' 40,000 head lookin' for a hand with brandin'. So I says, 'Hey, Curly, is that right?' And Curly says, 'You bet, B.B.' So I hit him hard as I could with a big ol' heavy steel pole, and I killed him. I took his boots and I caught a ride up to Manitoba. And I seen this guy sittin' on his horse, all puffed up like he'd been poisoned, and I says, 'Hey! You'd better uncinch that critter or he's gonna blow.' The guy looked at me like I'm nuts, and I am. And he says, 'OK.' That was '58... '59."
••• Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying on You ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
"A couple of years ago when Harry Truman was president, me and some of the boys down at the 4-6s got to thinkin' about runnin' 10,000 head out west to Yuma, just for somethin' to do. So I called up the Donover brothers and asked could they bring up a string of broncs out to show me for the trip. On the way down Gary, the middle boy, falls out of his truck makin' a left turn and kills himself. So when they get to our place they're all like, 'Well, that happened, so now what?' So I told them, 'Just give me them broncs and get out of my way.' Next mornin', me and the boys left at dawn. We got to the river and it was all flooded. So we tied the broncs to a cottonwood and slipped them across. Eighteen drowneded. So we got back to the 4-6 and the old man says, 'How'd you boys get so wet?' "
••• Matthew Perry plugs 17 Again. ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
"Here's a story I like to tell about a deal that went gunny sack on us when we was just outside of Santa Fe workin' rough stock at the old Quarter Circle Rockin' Bar T-6 Lazy Nine Double XL. I had a big ol' stallion by the name of Billy I hit with my truck outside of Flagstaff. Billy had never been rode and lost his teeth, eatin' hand grenades at the old Park City Armory. So this guy Leon says to me, 'Hey, B.B., hows about that 20 dollars you owe me?' And I said, 'That's right. I'll tell you what. I'll let you have Billy and we'll call it square.' So he takes ol' Billy and walks him out to the barn, and Billy starts to scream and holler and blow up and buck. And I call Jimmy from the wagon and he says, 'Hey Jim, take a look at this wreck.' And he laughed great big, and I laughed great big, and then Billy bucks Leon off and stomps him dead!"
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Tony Mendez Show promo ••• Elisha Cuthbert plugs 24. ••• Rascal Flatts sing.

4/17/09 [3097]: Barack Obama has a lot of challenges ahead of him. Dave wouldn't give his problems to a monkey on a rock. Here's a list of problems he's facing. / video:

"Earlier this month President Obama traveled to London and Prague in an attempt to restore America's standing with Europe. He then went to Turkey, where he tried to repair America's image in the Muslim world. From here Obama goes to Asia, where he'll concentrate on mending fences with Japan and China. Then it's off to Sydney, where he'll work to improve our fractured relationship with the Australians and the people of Tonga. Finally it's back home, where Obama will call Bush and ask, 'Is there anybody you haven't pissed off?' Barack Obama: This is looking like more than an eight-year job."
Alan Kalter with, "After the break... Russell Crowe," and "If you lived inside your television, you'd be home now!" ••• desk chat: Dave says a self-proclaimed big fan stopped to visit with him, and wanted to know what he's going to do now. Dave says, "I've still got a gig!" ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. The term Internet was first used in 1974. 2. The lost civilization of Atlantis is now believed to be Wilmington, Delaware. 3. Dom Perignon™ champagne is made of ginger ale and rubbing alcohol. 4. The ancient Greek mathematician Pythagoras was the first to say, "You do the math."] ••• Russell Crowe plugs State of Play. / bumper for www.australiazoo.com.au, a favorite cause of Mr. Crowe ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "On Monday Dave welcomes Jeff Goldblum and Jeff Dunham." ••• more Russell Crowe ••• Joe Wong does stand-up.

4/20/09 [3098]: Barack Obama's gettin' stuff done. He went down to Trinidad. ("Anyone here from Trinidad?" Dave asks. Just as sure as death and taxes, the gents in the horn section all raise their hands.) Anyway, there was a big summit including that evil bastard Hugo Chavez from Venezuela, and Hugo gave the president a book. / bogus CNN video:

(clip from the summit)

"Call it the diplomatic book club. Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez reaches out to President Obama with a handshake and a paperback. In the book, My Life in High Heels, Loni Anderson breaks her silence on men, on motherhood and yes, Burt Reynolds. Suzanne Malveaux, CNN, Trinidad."

••• Dave now favors us with his impression of Hugo's encounter with President Obama... or was it Borat? ••• Dave wonders if the waterboarding at Guantanamo will ever go away. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed got it over and over. / video:
female voice-over: "According to a 2005 Justice Department memorandum, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times. Because water can strip the skin of its natural oils, Khalid turns to Neutrogena Ageless Essentials Hydrating Night Cream™."

(doctored photo of the good-for-nothing 911 terrorist applying the product to his tender face, now with sparklies)

"Our patented formula contains time-released moisturizers that keep skin silky smooth all night. Neutrogena Ageless Essentials Hydrating Night Cream™: Death to America, and to dry, flaky skin."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a hard hat warning ••• desk chat: Dave shows The Skinny on Losing Weight Without Being Hungry, by our old friend, Louis J. Aronne, M.D. ••• interruption: We hear an angelic choir. The backdrop is filled with smoke or clouds. A distinguished-looking, bearded gentleman appears as the vapors clear. He's here to make Dave 20 years younger, so he can correct the mistakes he's made in the past. We hear thunder. Nothing happens. Wait... Dave's now 62. The gentleman is embarrassed. He thought Dave was 82. ••• George Clarke and Dr. Lou are onstage for an update on the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge." George weighed in at 257.0 pounds at the beginning of the Challenge on March 9. Tonight he's 25 pounds lighter, at 232.0 pounds. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard in the Meeting Between Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez ••• Jeff Goldblum plugs Law and Order: Criminal Intent and does rope tricks. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You won't want to miss tomorrow's Late Show and a special message to my neighbor who plays the trumpet at 2 A.M. (the Late Show's own Michael Z. McIntee) ••• more Jeff Goldblum ••• ventriloquist Jeff Dunham and Peanuts

4/21/09 [3099]: President Obama was in Mexico last week. / video:

voice-over: "President Obama was in Mexico City last week. The visit marked the first time in 12 years a United States president has visited the Mexican capital, although in June of 2004, President Bush was told he was there. President Bush: Think outside the bun."
••• "Anyone here from Trinidad?" Dave asks. The horn section raise their hands. Dick Cheney criticized Barack Obama for shaking hands with the evil Hugo Chavez. / video:
voice-over: "In an interview with Fox News, Dick Cheney joined the ranks of Republicans who are lashing out at Barack Obama for shaking hands with Hugo Chavez. As Cheney pointed out, everyone knows this is how you're supposed to greet a foreign leader."

(clip of Dick Cheney putting his hands on the shoulders of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.)

"Dick Cheney: Still our cutest vice-president."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's another visit with Art Kelly as San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary. ••• Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City ••• Nathan Lane plugs his play, Waiting for Godot. / Nathan as Larry Spock in a doctored trailer for the new Star Trek movie ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow is another must-see Late Show, as Dave welcomes Beyoncé Knowles and Jim Parsons." and "Did You Know?" (The familiar CBS eye symbol is a left eye.) ••• "Late Show Technical Maintenance Minute" with Erik, Gary Mintz and Mike
Gary Mintz: "Hello everyone. I have a very exciting announcement to make. You can now follow the Late Show maintenance department on Twitter. Listen to some sample tweets."

Mike: "Here's a good one, Gary: 'Two hours ago: Head clogged on Beta SP machine. Cleared machine tape particles that had accumulated in the drum assembly.' "

Erik: "How about this one, Mike?: 'Fifteen minutes ago: Using digital frame synchronizer to repair signal of HD scan converter and repair master pedestal to proper level.' 

Gary: "Wow! That was a winner, Erik. Because of tweets like this, we've already amassed over two million followers! Suck on that, Ashton. That's all the time we have for tonight, and remember, as we say in Technical Maintenance..."

all in three in unison: "It ain't broke if we can fix it!"

CBSO: "Late Show Technical Maintenance Minute" theme song

••• Tinted Windows sing.

4/22/09 [3100]: "Anybody here ever been waterboarded?" Dave wonders. (A quick check of the horn section answers that silly question: all of 'em!) ••• "Dick, Are You Alright?" / doctored FoxNews video: Dick Cheney seems to be gasping repeatedly. ••• It's Earth Day, and New York City is running announcements. / video:

(scenes of the NYC skyline)

(voice-over): "To celebrate Earth Day and conserve energy, New York City is turning off lights all over the city... in the offices at City Hall... atop the Empire State Building... and at every intersection."

(clip of a traffic light showing red)

(clips of multiple car wrecks)

"Happy Earth Day from New York City!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Happy Earth Day from the Late Show (No offense to our extraterrestrial viewers.)" ••• Dave's thinking that with all the love that comes over the footlights every night, he should give something back. What better way to do this than the age-old standby, "Who Asked for It?" / 1. "Theresa DiMatina" is a wedding planner from Floral Park, New York. She thinks many peope in big-time show business wear fake glasses. Dave maintains that his are real. He removes his glasses to show the blurred vision without them. 2. "Andrea Grey" from Rochester, New York (the Late Show's own, lovely Sarah Billington) wonders if Dave has any money saving tips, which brings us to "Harold Larkin's Money Saving Tips." (Harold's tip? Turn off your television right now!) 3. "Matt Johnson" from Grand Rapids, Michigan (OK... Matt Roberts) doesn't get very far before we transition to another blockbuster soft core porn presentation from Alan Kalter. He has Earth Day tips. For example, don't drink water. Drink something else. Don't waste air conditioning. Take off your pants. Alan demonstrates. Dave asks to see Alan after the program. ••• Beyoncé Knowles plugs Obsessed. (It's apparent by the end of the interview that she is quite a fan of herself.) ••• interruption: Mr. Regis Philbin, as Shrek ••• Act 5: outside cam: Bill DeLace escorting Regis to his car ••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• Beyoncé sings.

4/23/09 [3101]: "Anybody here have 14 children?" Dave wonders. (Al, Bruce and Tom in the horn section all do.) ••• "Anybody here ever been waterboarded?" Dave asks. (The horn section have.) ••• Dick Cheney invented waterboarding, Dave claims, and that nasty terrorist, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, rode the board 183 times. Dave wonders how many times it has to happen before you don't believe you're drowning. ••• "Al-Qaeda Training Video" / video:

(voice-over): "Attention operatives: If you are captured, the infidels will attempt to extract valuable information from you using brutal torture techniques. These include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and most barbaric of all, telling you they're going to take you to the zoo, and then not taking you. Al-Qaeda: It's all-righta!"
••• Dave saw an odd commercial for those thievin' weasels at Netflix™. / video:
(voice-over): "In today's busy world, going to the video store is a hassle. With Netflix™, you just make a list of the movies you want to see, and you'll get your first DVDs in about one business day. And don't forget to check out Dick Cheney's Netflix™ Picks of the Week: This week Dick recommends Casino Royale, Marathon Man and Lethal Weapon. Thanks, Dick! Netflix™: Sign up today."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave and the boys went to see the Rangers last night in Madison Square Garden. Now he's tired today, and has no idea what he had for lunch. / Cut to live action in the control room.
Technical director Tim Kennedy says, "We need an answer, people. Let's move!"

A note is passed down the row. Kim Reynolds is there, by the way. A staffer sprints out of the control room and down 53rd St. into a parking garage, whereupon he adds a $100 bill to an envelope, then passes it off to a sinister-looking man in dark clothing. Shecky is called. Someone sends a satellite message. Jay Johnson types something, and hands off to Walter Kim, who calls Dave.

"I'm the one who was asking," Dave growls.

Dave Dorsett interrupts: "Dave! Dave! You had penne ala vodka with steamed spinach, and you loved it!"

••• Jamie Foxx plugs The Soloist. ••• Biff Henderson does a post-interview evaluation with Jamie Foxx. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Late Show Maintenance Tip" ••• Lauren Conrad (who seems to like Spencer Pratt about as much as Dave) plugs her forthcoming clothing line. ••• The Dead sing.

4/24/09 [3102]: HBO has a new movie about the 2008 election. / video:

"Two men compete for the highest office in the land. One is a seasoned Senator from Arizona... the other, a young upstart from Illinois. But what happens when lightning strikes the capitol building and the two switch bodies? HBO presents Laurence Fishburne, Tom Bosley and Zach Efron as Sarah Palin in 47 Again. Check your local listings."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about Twitter. He doesn't like it. Ashton Kutcher has been making a fuss about how many followers he has. Guess what? We've got a switchboard upstairs, and about 20 million calls come in a day. Twitter will be the end of civilization. ••• Gaines yells over to let Dave know that receptionist Art Kelly's on the phone. Art says Dave got five calls today. Dave hangs up. ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. A person blinks 5.6 million times a year. 2. Each year the average American inhales 47 pounds of dryer lint. 3. Evel Knievel had a brother named Good. 4. The earliest species of hyenas did not laugh. They just pointed and said, "Good one!" 5. Kelly Ripa has to reintroduce herself to Regis every morning.] ••• Michael Keaton plugs The Merry Gentleman. Dave wants to know why Michael is on crutches. Michael defers to Anderson Cooper of CNN to explain the situation. / video:
Anderson Cooper: "We have some breaking news to report. Michael Keaton broke his foot yesterday rescuing children from a burning orphanage. Details are still sketchy, but apparently fire broke out at St. Bernadette's orphanage last night. Bystanders say that Keaton was walking down the street, saw the flames, rushed inside and led all 12 children to safety. Additionally, Keaton administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and what he described as "pulmonary massage" to bystander and former dancer, 37-year-old Amber St. Clair, after he said she appeared "woozy."

(fade)

/ Six of the rescued kids appear onstage. (The other six didn't want to come.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for Monday's show ••• outside cam to the CBS Store at the corner of 53rd St. and Broadway to visit with Stanley Cronkite (Johnny Dark) / Johnny sings a few bars of Sinatra's My Way. ••• Lily Allen sings.

4/27/09 [3103]: General Motors is canceling the Pontiac line, as well as shutting down all of its plants for the summer. / video:

(voice-over): "Attention all General Motors assembly plant personnel: Due to low demand and excess inventory, factories will be shut down for nine weeks during the summer; however, the news is not all bad. GM workers may still enter the facilities during business hours to engage in horseplay with the air hose. GM: Getting through this together."
••• Zoos are laying off animals. / video:
"Because of a $15 million budget shortfall, the Bronx Zoo has to let hundreds of its animals go. But concerned citizens can rest assured that the animals are already acclimating to their new lives."

(clips of a monkey getting into a car, a moose in a swimming pool and a cow chasing a man down a store aisle)

"The Bronx Zoo: Remain in your homes until further notice."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's getting hotter. / Dave Price of CBS's The Early Show says we're down for 137° F on Friday. ••• Dave asks Alan Kalter to run down this week's guests. Alan's barely underway when a woman and a red-haired boy approach his throne.
Alan begins: "Summer's coming. Things are heating up at the Late Show. Jennifer Garner, Kiefer Sutherland..."

woman: "Alan."

Alan: "Not while I'm in the zone, Baby. Kiefer Sutherland, Dolly Parton, Jennifer Garner..."

woman: "Alan. Alan. I have something important. I want to introduce you to your son."

Alan: "I don't, uh..., I don't have a son."

red-haired teen boy: "Is... is that you, Pa?"

Alan says of the red-haired boy: "He looks nothing like me. Anyway, it's impossible that I'm the father. For my 18th birthday, my parents gave me a vasectomy."

Dave: "Is that you, Pa? Is that you?"

(with Kathy Mavrikakis)

••• Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Matthew Stafford's Mind on Draft Day (presented onstage by Matthew Stafford) ••• Matthew Fox plugs Lost. ••• Biff Henderson is with us tonight to tell about climate change. As Biff begins his presentation, he strolls through the audience toward the lobby doors, passing through them, never to be seen again. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to join us tomorrow night." ••• Carol Leifer plugs her new book, When You Lie About Your Age, the Terrorists Win. ••• The All-American Rejects sing.

4/28/09 [3104]: One of the Air Force 747s used as Air Force One was flying around the Statue of Liberty yesterday with F16s in tow, which created panic in New York. Mayor Bloomberg had no idea of the high-dollar photo op. / video:

(female voice-over): "The White House has apologized for sending a presidential jet flying low over New York Harbor, saying the flight was part of a photo shoot to get pictures of the plane over the city skyline. A spokesman said they will refrain from such projects in the future, but it was too late to cancel today's photo shoot of Air Force One driving through Midtown. Jessica Yellin, CNN."
••• "Now this fline swu," Dave says. That was a good one. He meant to say, "swine flu." Anyway, there's an important announcement. / video:
(stately music)

(title frame): "And now, an important swine flu announcement from the Lt. Governor of Iowa."

Iowa Lt. Governor Patty Judge: "Those procedures are in place, and we are following them."

(cough) (more coughs) (hacking coughs... unable to speak)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, plus a plug for "all the dirt from Spencer and Heidi's wedding" ••• outside cam: It's the first Hose Cam® of the season! (It's the remote control gadget that showers unsuspecting pedestrians on Broadway, near the CBS Store. The contraption is fastened to a light pole on days that it's used.) Dave also plays with the PA for the first time this year. He shows us the control box, a black box apparently taped together with black gaffer's tape, sporting a toggle switch marked "ON" and "OFF." One dude either gets squirted, or has a very close call. ••• Dave's always enjoyed making fun of the wind chill and the heat index, which brings us to the premiere of "Guess the 'Feels Like' Temperature." / outside cam to Rupert Jee in Hello Deli (our first visit with him since August 8) / Rupert runs out to get a contestant. / Alan says we're playing for a Timex® Projection Alarm Clock Radio. / Rupert has Ashley Nelson, from Southern California, ready to play. / Alan whispers the "feels like" temperature: 88° F. / Dave announces that the actual temperature is 87° F. Ashley guesses 84° F. / The models present the deli platter. / Dave asks Rupert to send all the bystanders around the corner onto Broadway, so Dave can squirt 'em with the Hose Cam®. ••• Top Ten White House Excuses (for the 747 flyover) ••• Dolly Parton plugs her play, 9 to 5: The Musical. interruption: Kathy Mavrikakis appears. She advises Dave that he needs to get all his stuff off his office window ledge. Kathy once again has Alan Kalter's so-called son in tow.
boy: "Is that you, Pa?"

Alan wants to know if his mother was in The Bangles. He doesn't know. He asks Kathy to get him an internship or a Diet Coke®.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, it's another entertainment home run!" ••• Zachary Quinto plugs Star Trek. ••• Dolly Parton sings.

4/29/09 [3105]: LARYNGITIS NIGHT (Dave has major problems with his voice tonight. He switches duties with Tony Mendez for part of the monologue.) ••• Residents of New York City were in a panic on Monday during the low-altitude fly-over of Air Force One. The White House has an apology. / video:

(clip of Air Force One and its F16 escorts)

"The White House apologizes for alarming New York City with Monday's Air Force One fly by. To make it up to the Big Apple, the White House is sending Air Force One back to give each New Yorker one of these. Free steak knives!"

(clip of steak knives dropping from the sky, with their business ends pointed downward)

(audio: teenage girls screaming)

"The White House: When you're here, you're family."

••• Tony says, "You know, because of the economy, even the Bronx Zoo is laying off animals, but we're doing our part. / video: (clip of Sherman Grossman, Joe's monkey, on top of a photocopy machine while Joe operates it) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties (presented by Paul Shaffer) ••• Jennifer Garner plugs The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. She's all scraped up after a bad fall, so Dave applies Neosporin®. ••• Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla Motors ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• more Elon Musk ••• Manchester Orchestra

4/30/09 [3106]: The Yankees are in their new stadium, and ticket prices have been high. / video:

(voice-over): "The Yankees understand that times are tough, so we're slashing the prices of our most expensive seats from $2,500 to $1,250. So now a middle class family of four can have a fun day at the ballpark for a reasonable $5,000. The New York Yankees..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Food not included."

••• New Yorkers are a tough breed. They've got a lot of iron. Air Force One flew low over Manhattan on Monday, concerning lots of citizens, and the White House has apologized. / video:
(clip of the fly-over)

"Air Force One's alarming New York City fly-over was such a hit, we're adding more dates. That's right! Air Force One will be buzzing your town at a frighteningly low altitude. Make plans now to witness this once-in-a-lifetime example of government stupidity."

(scroll): Akron, Ohio: May 3rd; Boston, Massachusetts: May 4th; Nashville, Tennessee: May 6th; Austin, Texas: May 8th; Madison, Wisconsin: May 9th; Helena, Montana: May 11th; San Diego, California: May 12th; Denver, Colorado: May 14th; Tampa, Florida: May 15th

"The Air Force One Hometown Terror Tour: A Ron Delsner Production."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan warns us about a quiz on the commercials. ••• desk chat foolishness: Dave pulls on the desk microphone cord (like a lawnmower) to start the show. ••• desk chat: Dave apologizes for his laryngitis last night, when Tony Mendez had to tell the jokes and Paul had to do the Top Ten list. ••• desk chat: Dave shows a Regis CD that an audience guy from Montreal is going to get. ••• Arlen Specter defected to the Democratic Party this week. We have him on satellite. / video:
Senator Specter: "All press inquiries should go to my pet chimpanzee, Ricky."
••• interruption: We suddenly hear a roar. The fuselage of Air Force One appears in the backdrop. Dave's impressed by how quickly it reverses and exits the backdrop. ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

"One time when I was on a crew movin' cows south of Durango, we'd been out 14... maybe 15 days and Cookie, the ol' boy cookin' our grub, gets all sideways. Then Kenny, the boy who eats bullets, tells Cookie how bad the chow is. So Cookie beats him to death with a rock. Two days later, I was so hungry I ate a tree, and all I could say was, 'Thanks a lot, Kenny.'  "

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• Regis Philbin interview / Regis begins by autographing and delivering his CD to the Canadian. ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

"Fourteen years ago yesterday, I was pullin' fence outside of Cody on the old WW spread. I was ridin' ol' Three Legs. He was a mean horse. I called him Three Legs because he only had three legs. Some kind of explosion or infection or accident or thing like that. So I get on him just as a big ol' rattlesnake crawls up his nose, and I get tossed into Baxter County! Two days later I come to, and Kenny from the Lazy IBM comes by and says, 'Hey, B.B., you get bucked off?' And I says, 'You got that right!' Boy, we laughed about that one!"

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• more Regis ••• Regis takes questions from the audience. ••• Act 5: clip from the April 22 show of Regis as Shrek. ••• Dave and Regis play catch, as Regis will be throwing out the first pitch at a Florida Marlins game on Monday. ••• The cast of Broadway's Hair perform.

5/01/09 [3107]: monologue: "I have painful memories of my prom... I had to take the town tramp. Honest to God. But he did say he appreciated the hot meal." ••• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was on This Week with George Stephanopoulos. / video:

George: "Are there preconditions or not? Why not sit down right now with the U. S. and the European powers to discuss the nuclear program?"

Mahmoud: "Before we continue, can I just say you are the cutest thing I have ever seen? Look at you! You're adorable. I just want to put you in a jar and keep you on my desk so I can look at you all day long. Anyway, back to your question. It is my belief that President Obama..."

••• Barack Obama... what a multitasker! He's talking about how to properly inflate your tires. / "Barack Obama Efficiency Tips" / video:
Obama: "One small step Americans can take would be to keep their tires inflated."

voice-over: "For optimal performance, tires on most cars should be inflated to 32 pounds per square inch. Tires on most vans, light trucks and sport-utility vehicles should be inflated to 36 pounds per square inch. And conservative pundits should be inflated to..." (cut off)

(clip of Rush Limbaugh's face, inflating like a balloon to 42 PSI)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / "Tonight's Late Show is super cool." ••• desk chat: Dave likes to report on preshow events. Tonight a woman in the audience, Ellie from Los Gatos, California, waved her arms to get Dave's attention. She has the same birthday as Dave. He asks Eddie Brill to deliver a certificate for dinner for two at 21. ••• desk chat: Tomorrow is the 135th running of the Kentucky Derby. It's the most exciting two minutes in sports, with three-year-old hosses running on a 1¼-mile track. Dave has track announcer Dave Johnson on the phone to simulate the end of the race and "and down the stretch they come." ••• interruption: Tony Mendez gets in the doghouse for acting bored. ••• Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Zoo (#2: You ask where you can find a panda, and they send you to the snack bar.) ••• Kiefer Sutherland plugs 24. He's a grandpa! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for Monday's show ••• Jim Norton, author of I Hate Your Guts, does stand-up. ••• Bat for Lashes sing in their network TV debut.

5/04/09 [3108]: As we all know, Dick Cheney had a torture chamber dungeon in the basement of the White House. Anyway, he has recently been critical of Barack Obama. / "Dick Cheney: How'd He Do?" / video:

Dick Cheney: "George W. Bush will repair what has been damaged."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "He will show us that national leaders can be true to their word."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "He will restore decency and integrity to the Oval Office."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "George W. Bush and I, with a united Congress, will save Social Security."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "Our nation has the best health care in the world," ("no" buzzer) "and President Bush is making it more affordable" ("no" buzzer) and accessible to all Americans." ("no" buzzer)

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "There will be no more spreading of fear and panic." ("no" buzzer)

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "The Bush tax cuts are working."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "We offer another way," ("no" buzzer) "a better way" ("no" buzzer) "and a stiff dose of truth." ("no" buzzer)

••• Alex Rodriguez, according to a new book, was always gooned on the juice. There's a new controversy. / video:
"According to an explosive new book, steroid usage caused A-Rod to develop breasts in 2005. In fact, the breasts grew so large, A-Rod briefly dated himself. A-Rod: 'I think the season's going pretty well.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Associate Producer Nancy Agostini and Creative Director - Digital Media Walter Kim had a baby on Friday, May 1st. Abigail Katherine Kim weighed 7 lbs. 2 oz. / picture ••• live onstage: Donald Trump presents the Top Ten Donald Trump Financial Tips. ••• Chef Gordon Ramsay plugs Hell's Kitchen and says some mighty oaths. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter is dressed as Spock. Coming out of commercial, Alan delivers a long series of disclaimers for some unknown product or service. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow for another must-see Late Show." ••• Chris Pine plugs Star Trek. ••• Keri Hilson, with special guest Kanye West, sings.

5/05/09 [3109]: Supreme Court Justice Souter is retiring. President Obama is considering Sonia Sotomayor, a U. S. Court of Appeals judge. / "Sonia Sotomayor: A Closer Look" / video: We see a clip of a female judge on a Mexican People's Court-type program, with pandemonium in the courtroom. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Small Town News" ••• interruption: In honor of Cinco de Mayo, a mariachi band appears behind Dave for a mini-concert. ••• Liev Schreiber plugs X Men Origins: Wolverine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You're a fool if you miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Dr. Sanjay Gupta visits with Dave about N1H1, better known as Swine Flu. It looks like most of us are going to survive to watch a few more Late Show episodes! ••• Franz Ferdinand sing.

5/06/09 [3110]: New York subway rates are increasing by 10 percent. / video:

(voice-over): "New York Governor David Paterson reached a deal with lawmakers to raise the fare of one subway ride from $2 to $2.25. With the increase, the MTA promised to provide even better service, longer construction delays, brand new graffiti and that refreshing urine smell you've come to expect. The MTA: Going your way."
••• Tonight PBS ran a documentary about a failed alliance between Adolph Hitler and Stalin. / video:
(voice-over): "PBS's World War Two - Behind Closed Doors will return in a moment, but first a reminder that quality programs like this are made possible by viewers like you. And if you call now with a $50 donation, you'll receive this handsome Hitler tote bag. Now back to World War Two - Behind Closed Doors."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / "Throw away your clicker, Grandpa. You won't need to change the channel anytime soon." ••• desk chat (sort of): Dave's on his feet after commercial. He takes a moment to introduce Harry Letterman, who's up on the staircase, checking things out. "Who needs school. Am I right?" Dave observes. (This is Harry's first live appearance on the big show.) ••• desk chat: Dave proudly shows a Tony nomination for the Late Show for Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater. ••• Harry decides to leave, and blows a goodbye kiss to Daddy. "I know... everybody else in the audience is sayin', 'How come the kid gets to leave?' " ••• Andy Kindler drops by to set up his latest report, "Andy Kindler Talks to Climate Change Experts." / video:
Andy journeyed to Columbia University, but first we see a visit with Gavin Schmidt of the NASA Goddard Space Center. Then it's off to Columbia U. to interview Stuart Gaffin, George Kukla and Dr. Joseph Romm of the Center for American Progress.
••• Bruce Willis appears for his latest interview wearing a never-before-seen item. It's clearly a helmet padded with rubber bands. Bruce calls it the Do-It-Yourself Concussion Buster Kit&trade. Leave it to Bruce... he always comes with material. / We drop by the green room for a look at Bruce's stunning bride, model Emma Heming. She's basically the best-looking human being ever. / Dave and Bruce got married on the same weekend in March. Bruce regrets that Dave had no bachelor party action before his recent wedding, so he brings out a stripper. His name is Terry. He disrobes to Michael Sembello's "Maniac." Eventually we get to a clip. It's doctored, of course. It's Bruce in Beyoncé's new action film, Obsessed. ••• Act 5: clip of Bruce with the rubber band helmet ••• It's a trip down to 53rd and Broadway to the CBS Store for another visit with Johnny Dark as Stanley Cronkite. (no relation) ••• Ben Harper and Relentless 7 sing.

5/07/09 [3111]: cold open: We join Dave and Biff Henderson before the show. Biff wonders what Dave is intently doing with his hands, which are holding nothing. "I'm Twittering," Dave replies. Biff explains that Dave technically needs a computer to Twitter. (Do we capitalize Twitter, or is it now just a verb?) ••• Brett Favre has been switching NFL teams. / video:

(announce): "Hey, football fans... Brett Favre is coming to the Vikings! This is your last chance to see Brett play before he goes to Jacksonville next year. Fans won't want to miss Favre's 2011 stint with the Raiders. Then it's back to the Jets before an emotional reunion in Green Bay. Did someone say Winnepeg? That's right. In 2014, Brett's going to Canada. Then, what the hell, he'll whore out another year with the Jets. Brett Favre: Take it to the bank!"
••• Everyone's trying to be more interactive. Dave believes that the Late Show was first to offer a real, viable interactive experience, namely the Barack Obama fist bump with home viewers seen on the 11/10/08 and 11/13/08 Late Show episodes. / video:
(clip from one of those episodes)

(picture of Kiefer Sutherland)

(voice-over): "Butt head now."

FX: broken TV screen glass

••• The Late Show is still trying to figure out how to make fun of Barack Obama. Clinton and the heavy-set intern and Bush with his difficulties with the English language made for nonstop comedy. / Late Show writer Joe Grossman once again appears onstage to hopefully deliver some Barack Obama jokes.
Joe, nose buried in his tattered little notebook: "Barack Obama is so dumb, when he was governor of Texas, someone asked him what the capital of Texas is, and he said, 'Capital T.' "

Joe: "Barack Obama is so dumb, when he owned the Texas Rangers he picked up a bucket of baseballs and asked, 'Which one of these is a curve ball?' "

Joe: "Barack Obama is so dumb, according to his parents, George and Barbara, he didn't know he was 12 until he was 14."

Dave, irritated, asks if he can have one Obama joke. Joe takes his sweet time, as he wants the new bicycle Dave promised him.

Joe: "Barack Obama is so fat, he left the office of Vice-President in 2001, but his ass didn't leave until 2003."

••• onstage: Leonard Nimoy presents the Top Ten Lines Never Before Said in a "Star Trek" Film. ••• Norm MacDonald ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "See what the weather's like in your neck of the woods." ••• "Late Show Bulletin" / video:
(announce): "And now, an important Late Show Bulletin. Here's Kathy Mavrikakis."

Kathy: "This is Kathy Mavrikakis with an important Late Show Bulletin. Because of an intern luncheon, this Friday's yoga session has been moved from the 8th floor conference room to the 11th floor conference room. Also, please remember to bring your own yoga mats. We can't be expected to provide mats for everyone. Thank you."

(announce): "This has been a Late Show Bulletin. We now rejoin the Late Show."

••• Animal Collective sing. (sort of)

5/08/09 [3112]: ••• J. J. Abrams' Star Trek movie opened tonight. / Dave shows us a picture of the Statue of Liberty, now with pointy ears. ••• interruption: Tony Mendez is missing the intro card for Act 1. Dave scampers over to retrieve the runaway card from Eddie Valk. ••• Vice-President Joe Biden, in response to the nation's worries about swine flu, advised avoiding airplanes, trains and subways. Now that people are going outside more, the Late Show provides other sage advice from the VP. / video:

(scene of civilians frolicking in an ocean)

(voice-over): "As we head into the warmer months, remember that the sun's rays can cause painful sunburn and long-term skin damage. To be safe, between now and October, do not leave your home. A Message from Joe Biden: Time to panic."

••• We have a trailer from Star Trek, which opened tonight. / video:
(voice-over): "Critics agree. The new Star Trek film is out of this world."

(clips from the movie)

(voice-over): "Kirk, Spock and the rest of the crew go back in time and fight to save mankind from the greatest threat earth has ever faced."

(clip of a cute little piggy)

(voice-over): Star Trek: In theaters now."

••• interruption: An unfamiliar sound is suddenly heard in the theater. It may be coming from a light. It goes away in about 20 seconds. ••• desk chat: Ralph from Boston asked to race Dave during the preshow audience warm-up. It didn't happen. ••• live via satellite from suburban Indianapolis: Dave's mom, Dorothy, presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Mom. ••• Matthew Broderick plugs his new play, The Philantropist. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "If you like entertainment, watch Monday's Late Show" and "May I call your kitty?" ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• Chris Cornell sings.

5/11/09 [3113]: "A Look Back at the White House Correspondents Dinner" / video: We see clips from episodes of The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, with Don Rickles, Marty Allen and Dean Martin (and of course Barack Obama edited in). ••• The space shuttle Atlantis was launched today on a mission to service the Hubble Space Telescope. / video: In a clip from Pad 39 at Kennedy Space Center, we see the water tower for the Sound Suppression Water System launching while Atlantis sets motionless. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Tom Hanks plugs Angels and Demons in multiple segments. ••• Act 5: Tom Hanks fooling around on the floor ••• The Killers sing.

5/12/09 [3114]: Dave and the CBSO have collaborated for a new running gag. When Dave mentions Dick Cheney's subterranean dungeon in the White House, Paul plays a few notes of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," followed by a blood curdling scream performed by the Late Show's own Will Lee. ••• President Obama did well at the White House correspondents dinner the other day, so we've put together a new segment, "Presidents Who Made Us Laugh" / video:

(Calvin Coolidge, 1923): "My wife is so ugly, she got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."
••• Star Trek made $72,000,000 over the weekend. / "Most Successful Remakes of All Time" / video:
(clips): Star Trek 1996 vs. Star Trek 2009

Ocean's Eleven 1960 vs. Ocean's Eleven 2001

Citizen Kane 1941 vs. Citizen Kane (All-Monkey Version), 1952

(As always, the monkey was really a chimpanzee.)

••• "Presidents Who Made Us Laugh" / video:
(Dwight Eisenhower, in 1959, with a paper bag over his head like The Unknown Comic): "I just flew in from Las Vegas. I got airsick and nobody knew."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tonight's guests receive a complimentary bag of Scotts Turf Builder®. The Scotts Miracle-Gro Company: Dedicated to a Beautiful World." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he may not take any more preshow questions from the audience. Tonight Lenny yelled, "Hey, Dave..." / shot of Lenny in the audience ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

Bob: "One time me and Rodney K. Limpcat and his brother Rodney was working on the Triple A south of Birk Burnett. Rodney says to me, "Hey, Bob, can you bust a bronc without pants? So I says, 'Yeah, I believe I can.' So I get that old bronc ain't never been rode, named Stomp Your Guts Out. So we brung him into the round pen, and just as I was gettin' my pants off, that old horse goes nuts and stomps Rodney and his brother flat. So I buckled back up and started screamin' for help. But everybody's dead!"

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• Top Ten Signs You're Obsessed with "Star Trek" ••• Tom Hanks was a guest last night. For tax reasons, the show now conducts an exit interview. / video:
Biff: "Did you come on the show because you wanted to, or because of a contractual obligation to promote your film?

Tom: "Contractual obligation."

Biff: "How would you describe Dave's handshake?"

Tom: "Uh, uh... Kinda greasy... sweaty... It's kinda like handling lunchmeat."

Biff: "Where would you rank Dave's interviewing skills in comparison to other talk show hosts?"

Tom: "Better than Chevy. Not as good as Merv."

Biff: "Would you enjoy a future visit more if Dave had a mustache?"

Tom: "No."

Biff: "Who played Kate in the 1980s television series, Kate & Allie?"

Tom: "Jane Curtin. No. No no no no no... Susan Saint James!"

Biff: "Oh, I'll give it to you. Would you like to be added to our mailing list for the chance to win a Dynex 15-inch flat-screen TV?"

Tom: "Uhh... yeah. I've always wanted a flat-screen TV. Sure."

Biff: "Are you hungry?" (Biff offers Tom a sandwich.)

Tom: "Oh. Sorta."

Biff: "Great, Mr. Hanks! Thanks for your time."

••• Alec Baldwin plugs 30 Rock. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Maya Rudolph plugs Away We Go. ••• Chrisette Michele sings.

5/13/09 [3115]: NASA has had a very successful mission, as astronauts on the shuttle Atlantis repaired the Hubble Space Telescope. / video:

(phone ring)

Support: "Good morning. Hubble Technical Support. How can I help you?"

Astronaut: "Roger, Tech Support. I'm at the telescope and attempting..."

Support, interrupting: "Sir, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a moment."

(elevator music)

Voice: "Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line."

Astronaut: "Forget it."

••• The Pope is in the Middle East. The Vatican released this unusual announcement. / video:
(We see the pope in what appears to be Saudi Arabia.)

(voice-over): "While His Holiness is away on his trip to the Middle East, rest assured that the Vatican is in good hands. Pope Benedict has hired an experienced Vice Pope."

(picture of Dick Cheney with a Pope hat)

(voice-over): "Vice Pope Cheney: Let's waterboard some heretics!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The Star Trek movie is wonderful, and full of cameos. / video:
(scene: Star Fleet Officer's Club / Earth / Stardate 2248.42)

Biff is seen trying to recruit the future Captain Kirk to Star Fleet when our pal Dave joins the cameo, wondering if Kirk is Chewbacca.

••• Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Memoir ••• Robin Williams plugs Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow for another jam-packed Late Show. ••• Wynton Marsalis sings.

5/14/09 [3116]: DAVECON 2009: This episode log entry is written by me as an audience member, as well as the on-air happenings. All my friends agreed that it was a great episode, and I can report that there was so much fun that it ran 11 minutes long. A taped installment of "Cool/Not Cool" was aired on May 18 (the next episode taped). Bits and pieces were clipped from Kid Scientists. I believe that part of the monologue must have been edited, too, along with Alan Kalter's usual Big Show Highlights. The Act 5 Audience Pan wasn't even done, as by then it was clear that time was running out. ••• We begin with a reprise of the new running gag. When Dave mentions Dick Cheney's subterranean dungeon in the White House, Paul plays a few notes of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," followed by a blood curdling scream performed by the Late Show's own Will Lee. ••• Tom Hanks' Angels and Demons opens this weekend. / video:

(Tom Hanks' character, Robert Langdon, appears to be in an ancient ruin of some sort, inspecting the area with a flashlight. He brushes dust off something.)

Tom: "O. R. Is it an ancient artifact, belonging to the Order of the Illuminati?"

(He delicately brushes some more.)

Tom: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. These are Oreos®! Man... these are delicious!"

••• out of commercial: We see Dave in the audience. My DaveCon friend, Dr. Rod Fernandez, had asked to trade ties in the preshow questions. Dave has three ties, which he offers to my friends Dr. Rod, Bill Lehecka and Micah White, as the CBSO plays "Tie Me Kangaroo Down." My friend Helen Read was also on camera. Edited from the Top Ten presentation was Dave giving Ron Howard Dr. Rod's tie. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Director (presented onstage by Angels and Demons director, Ron Howard) (Dave coughs "Opie" while introducing him.) ••• [Lee Marek's "Kid Scientists" from Naperville, Illinois: 1) audio salt with Kireem Nam, 2) the Tyndall Effect and laser light diffraction by liquid with Georgia Stirtz, and 3) blowing up a balloon with Nick Radmer.] ••• Teri Hatcher plugs the fifth season finale of Desperate Housewives, and tells her racetrack and bees stories. ••• Act 5: a clip of Ron Howard ••• Rick Ross sings.

5/15/09 [3117]: Will Lee does his Dick Cheney White House dungeon scream. ••• Star Trek is doing great business, and we have "Famous Star Trek Lines." / video:

Mr. Spock: "Live long and prosper."

Dr. Leonard McCoy: "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a magician."

Captain Kirk (hiding behind a blue dot): "Scotty, you forgot to beam up my pants."

••• A man visited T.G.I. Friday's® recently, only to find a snake's head in his broccoli. The company has now offered a response. / video:
(voice-over): "We here at Friday's® take it very seriously when one of our customers finds a snake in their food. That's why we're pleased to announce that each table now comes with a vial of venomous snake antidote. Furthermore, we'll gladly provide you with a blunt instrument to help you fight off any snakes that happen to approach your table. And should you die from a snake bite at any of our locations, Friday's® will cater your funeral... free! T.G.I. Friday's®: Home to seven of the 10 deadliest snakes in the world."
••• Dave has dinner for a honeymoon couple in the audience, including 21, Victor's Cafe and Rosa Mexicano. ••• "Fun Facts" /
  • Snakes don't have eyelids.
  • There are 10,000,000 pianos in America.
  • Sunspots are 3,000 degrees cooler than the rest of the sun's surface.
  • interruption: Dave tosses the aforementioned fact through the window. Instead of glass breaking, we get Jeff Altman as Len Easton: "212, this is Len Easton, we're doing maximum speed on the 710 south. Possible poisoning reported at a Super Cuts in Bellflower. Customer reports ingesting six ounces of Barbicide. We'll need back-up and paramedics. Come back." / Dispatch: unintelligible
  • The average Las Vegas gambler leaves the city with $90,000 in cash in winnings.
  • At birth, one in every 5,000 shrimp is breaded.
  • On April 1st, GPS units are programmed to give phony directions.
  • To promote healthy living, musician Meatloaf recently changed his name to Turkey Meatloaf.
  • Press 3 to wait for the next available agent. / interruption: It's Altman again: "Uh, this is 212 Len Easton. We're southbound on the 20 freeway. Partner, Larry, reports feelings of dizziness and hives. May be an allergy to the air conditioning. Will report to base. Request medical have coffee and donuts out." / Dispatch: unintelligible
  • By the year 2050, zoologists predict kangaroos will have a pouch for iPhones.
  • For good luck, send copies of this letter to 12 of your friends. / Altman again: "Uh, Len Easton, 212, calling all available units. We're turned down behind a Costco in West Covina. Two subjects firing paintball guns. Request back-up, dogs, swat teams and a shower. Come back." / Dispatch: unintelligible
  • Scholars believe that if Saturday Night Live had been around in ancient times, John the Baptist would have been a frequent host.
••• John Goodman plugs his play, Waiting for Godot, which is at Dave's neighbor, the Studio 54 Theatre, 254 West 54th Street. ••• video: John Goodman, getting into a fountain on 5/06/97, with several very large bunny rabbits watching in amusement ••• more John Goodman ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "On Monday, the comedy train keeps chugging along..." / "Notice from the Late Show Lost and Found Department": Alan has a lost fish. ••• Tommy Tiernan does stand-up. ••• Mastodon sing.

5/18/09 [3118]: "Cool / Not Cool" (This segment was edited out of the Thursday, May 14 episode, which ran 11 minutes long.) / video: We see a clip of Barack Obama giving the Arizona State University commencement speech on May 13, followed by George W. Bush doing a chest bump with a cadet at the Air Force Academy graduation on May 28, 2008. ••• We have a promo for Angels and Demons. / video:

(We see a clip with Tom Hanks.)

(voice-over): "He exposed one of the greatest cover-ups in human history. Now the Vatican has turned to him to stop a threat 500 years in the making. Tom Hanks is Professor Robert Langdon, and Tom provides all the film's sound effects."

(picture-in-picture of Tom): pretending to sneeze

(voice-over): "Angels and Demons: Now playing."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Dr. Lou Aronne's book, The Skinny on Losing Weight without Being Hungry. ••• desk chat: Dave went to dinner with some people on Friday night. A waiter brought out a big, complimentary plate of desserts, then asked Dave and friends to wave at a camera, because the owner had been watching them throughout the meal. ••• Dave then delivers several dinner certificates to some audience members. ••• George Clarke and Dr. Lou Aronne are with us onstage for another installment of the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge. / George weighed in at an impressive 257 pounds on March 9. On March 23 he was down to 245.9. A week later on March 30, he weighed 241.3 pounds. On April 20, he checked in at 242.0. (I saw George on 53rd St. on May 14, and he looked real good.) Tonight he's down to a mere 220.6 pounds, so he's lost about 36 pounds total. ••• Top Ten Other Classified Pieces of Information Revealed by Joe Biden ••• Ben Stiller plugs Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "We planned tomorrow's Late Show with you in mind" and "Look What I Found" (a broken umbrella) ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

"I remember one time, heck, must have been 12 years ago, a fella comes into town and starts spendin' like nobody's business. He bought some boots... bought a shirt... bought himself a hat. And he comes out of the store and says, 'What do you think?' And I said, 'Not bad.' Just then a bus blowed up, and it killed him."

Alan Kalter: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• White Rabbits sing.

5/19/09 [3119]: "Why Are Old Republicans So Happy?" / video:

(picture of a geezer)

(voice-over): "Because they'll soon be dead, while others are dealing with the problems caused by old Republicans."

••• The folks at Chrysler have come up with something innovative, and Dave can't get to his checkbook fast enough. / video:
(voice-over): "The government has issued new mileage standards that will require all cars to get 35.5 miles per gallon by 2016. But thanks to the innovative engineers at Chrysler, you can surpass those standards today in the new Dodge Downhill™. Whether you're rolling down the hills of San Francisco or just cruising down the Rockies, our engineless technology will keep you moving with no fuel or emissions... guaranteed. Chrysler: We build excitement."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• A man from the Naval Academy wants to give Dave his Navy hoodie. The staff is looking for something of equal quality for exhange. ••• [Piedmont Bird Callers (high school competition) / 1. Horned Screamer, with Derek DeRoche, Eric Sezgen and Louis Morante 2. Hawaiian Coot, with Del Montgomery and Austin Kelly 3. Rhinoceros Hornbill, with Rosie Talcott, Claire Rogers and Anna Criticos, the first-place winners 4. All the callers perform together.] ••• Dave trades Late Show apparel for the Navy hoodies. ••• Jane Fonda plugs a play that ends this week, and updates us on her titanium innards. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• more Jane Fonda ••• Kenny Chesney sings.

5/20/09 [3120]: A 47,000,000-year-old fossilized woman, Ida, has been found. / video:

(voice-over): "Scientists have discovered a 47,000,000-year-old fossil that is believed to be the missing link in human evolution. What are the features that make it unique? The talis bone in her ankle, the presence of fingernails and the fact that the creature was wearing a fanny pack. Ida: Good Lord, Law & Order's still on the air?"
••• A couple of months ago, Mayor Bloomberg was going to turn Broadway and Times Square into a pedestrian mall. He knows what he's talking about. / video:
(voice-over): "Good news, New Yorkers! This summer, sections of Broadway and Times Square and Herald Square will be converted to open air, pedestrian plazas. However, to preserve efficient traffic flow, vehicles will now be permitted to drive on sidewalks. A message from New York City. Heads up!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's been promoting environmental issues for quite a while, and is interested in electric cars. Eventually he shows us a little model car with a Duracell® taped to the top. It's called the Tesla. Bob Lutz of GM will be with us to update us on this technology. ••• Stephen Colbert plugs The Colbert Report. ••• Dave tells a joke that Eddie Brill told to him during the commercial, "If you get a Planet Saturn, it'll run rings around other cars." ••• Bob Lutz, Vice-Chairman and Senior Adviser of General Motors ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• more Bob Lutz ••• We get a look at an electric car (big surprise), the Chevrolet Volt. ••• Grizzly Bear were bumped.

5/21/09 [3121]: "Dick Cheney: Swine Flu?" / video: We see our former vice-president giving a speech. He begins, "In a few cases this information could be gained only through tough interrogation." He then begins a nasty cough after every sentence or two. Yes... it's swine flu, and he's got it bad. ••• NASA has been working for some time on urine purification in order to recycle water for the international space station, and now it seems they have everything in order. / video:

We see exclusive footage of Late Show writer Joe Grossman as a NASA engineer or astronaut or something. He's in front of a green screen that makes him look like he's onboard the space station. Joe is standing next to what looks like an audio mixing board with a sign that says "Urine Purifier." Our friend Joe takes a long drink from a metal thermos-looking vessel. Showing a bit of a puzzled look, he checks behind the Urine Purifier, only to find a heavy duty extension cord.

Joe: "Forgot to plug it in. Still urine."

••• desk chat: Dave reports that he's had calls from the American Museum of Natural History, up by Central Park, and the Smithsonian Institution, offering to loan the Late Show the fossilized "Ida," the 47,000,000-year-old possible link in human evolution. Our own Biff Henderson is onstage next to a museum display, chowing down on something. Yes... that's right... Biff is a cannibal, sort of. He's eating Ida! "I mean come on. Is that top-notch, major league comedy? I mean, does it get any better than that?" Dave asks. ••• The Late Show had a rough night last night. The show depends on dopey guests coming in to plug their lousy movies. Terminator: Salvation has just opened. One of these goons was on last night. / video:
We see a one shot of Dave at his desk, conducting an interview. He begins, "And you worked in, uh, you did some theater. What I don't know... every night it's the same thing..."

(two shot that shows a Terminator robot in the guest chair)

Dave continues: "and if you hear people yakking in the, uh..."

The Terminator robot has had enough. It looks toward Dave and blasts him to oblivion with its disintegrator beam. All we see is Dave's chair, spinning... No more Late Show with David Letterman, I guess.

••• Top Ten Things I've Learned During Fleet Week in New York City (presented onstage by ten members of the Coast Guard, Navy or Marines, and the ship Iwo Jima, including Petty Officer First Class Veronica McCoy, Petty Officer Second Class Damain DiFazio, Captain Nicholas Whitman, Petty Officer First Class Loretta Henderson, Corporal Robert Sandoval, Lt. Commander Carissa April, Gunnery Sergeant Sarah Nolan, Lieutenant Brad Davis, Petty Officer First Class Vida May and Commander Tony Serallo) ••• desk chat: Dave shows us, close up, the one little bone remaining after Biff's cannibal episode. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs Dance Flick, and tap dances in her bare feet. She has a husband now. He's in the Merchant Marines. ••• Act 5: clip of Amy tap dancing ••• Ed Helms plugs The Hangover and does a respectable Tom Brokaw impression. ••• Jean Redpath sings.

5/22/09 [3122]: monologue: Dave gets after Tony Mendez for sticking his gum on Dave Dorsett's camera. ••• Hillary Clinton was commencement speaker at Barnard College today. / "Celebrity Commencement Speakers" / video:

We see Oprah at Duke, Vice-President Joe Biden at Syracuse and... well, we can't quite see Tom Cruise, who is peeking over the lectern at Oberlin College.
••• monologue: Dave gets after cue card technician Tony Mendez again. This time Tony has his hand over the punchline to a joke. ••• video:
(voice-over): "Due to public outcry, China has halted construction on a sex-oriented theme park called Love Land. And while they've already torn down all the erotic exhibits, they will continue to operate the bleak, desolate, sexless ruin under the name of Marriage Land. Marriage Land: The happiest place on earth."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: As Memorial Day approaches, Dave mentions the passing of his Uncle Earl Hofert on April 14. Mr. Hofert fought in World War II. ••• desk chat: The 93rd running of the Indianapolis 500 will be on Sunday. Dave makes up a story about A. J. Foyt always drinking a helmet full of gasoline before the 500. Rahal Letterman Racing has an entry this year. Dave introduces #17 driver Orial Servia in the balcony. ••• bumper: a picture of Dave and his Uncle Earl ••• Top Ten Low Budget Summer Fun Tips ••• Ricky Gervais plugs Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. ••• desk chat: apology to Pete Correale, who was bumped ••• Green Day sing.

5/25/09: REPEAT FROM 4/22/09

5/26/09: REPEAT FROM 4/17/09

5/27/09: REPEAT FROM 4/23/09

5/28/09: REPEAT FROM 5/11/09

5/29/09: REPEAT FROM 5/13/09

6/01/09 [3123]: FIRST NIGHT COMPETING AGAINST CONAN O'BRIEN ••• Dave begins the monologue with, "Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Hi, and welcome to the Late Show. I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor!" (Dave, for the first time in who-knows-how-long, is wearing his old hosting outfit of a navy blue jacket and khaki pants.) ••• "President Bush's Address to the Canadian People" / video: The president speaks in Spanish. ••• "Sonia Sotomayor Pronunciation Roundup" / video: Various news anchors weigh in with their botched versions of her name, including a first name of Sandra. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: A couple of years ago, Dave began work on a tree house for Harry. Eventually father and son spent a night together in the house. Now it's been infested with carpenter ants. ••• desk chat: Dave shows an ad for the show in the New York Times: "ONLY ONE DAVE. ONLY CBS." ••• desk chat: Dave does his Leno voice impression, mentions Conan's first night on the Tonight Show, and reminds us, as he did in 1993, that he killed a guy. ••• Tensions around the world are increasing. Kim Jong Il watches the program. / video: "The Late Show's Warning to North Korea": Dave says, "Hey... knock it off." ••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sonia Sotomayor ••• desk chat: Dave shows a Daily News headline, "Dave Letterman attacked by carpenter ants." ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up, sitting on a stool. / interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• 2009 Indianapolis 500 winner, Helio Castroneves ••• Melody Gardot sings.

6/02/09 [3124]: monologue: "Right about now, my mom is watching the Tonight Show, screaming, 'Where's Leno?' " ••• "An Excerpt fom the New Bob Woodward Book About the Obama Administration" / video:

(voice-over): "On January 20, 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. That's all I have so far. This has been 'An Excerpt fom the New Bob Woodward Book About the Obama Administration.' "
••• "The Obama White House" / video:
(peppy The Facts of Life theme song)

(credit clips from various 70s comedy shows, with the Obama family edited in)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave once again laments the practice of taking audience preshow questions. This time audience member Gary, on the front row, wondered if Dave Dorsett's camera will be moved. No. It's a television show. ••• General Motors filed for bankruptcy on Monday morning. Dave has "The Late Show's Warning to GM" / video:
(graphics and background music)

(voice-over): "And now, 'The Late Show's Warning to GM.' "

(Dave, at his desk): "Hey, boys, quit screwin' around."

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Late Show's Warning to GM.' "

••• This summer at the Late Show is going to be more exciting than ever. / promo video:
(voice-over): "Summer is almost here, and it's gonna be a scorcher, because the Late Show is bigger, better and hotter than ever. We've boosted the picture contrast for optimal gain in red, green and blue signals, added more than three new fonts to our onscreen character generator, and made the show 10 percent louder. And just when you thought the show couldn't get any better... we've installed a state-of-the-art paper towel dispenser in the seventh floor men's room. The Late Show 2009: It's too hot to sleep!"
••• "Small Town News" ••• Top Ten Messages Left on Dick Cheney's Answering Machine ••• Jungle Jack Hanna and critters ••• Act 5: shot of Jack Hanna's crane strolling down the aisle of the theater ••• John Krasinski plugs Away We Go.

6/03/09 [3125]: another Tonight Show monologue joke: Dave's mother, Dorothy, reportedly asked, "David, why did Jay dye his hair orange?" ••• "North Korean Line of Succession" / video:

(voice-over): "The current leader of North Korea is Kim Jong-Il. He is to be succeeded by his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. And if he doesn't work out, there's always Kim Jong-Wayans. That is the North Korean line of succession."
••• There's a special on NBC called "Inside the Obama White House." / video:
(voice-over): "There are many perks of working at the White House, including free apples to promote healthy living. And, to ease the stress of their high-pressure jobs, staffers also help themselves to complimentary Vicodin. We'll be back with 'Inside the Obama White House,' after these messages."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Want to earn extra cash? Deliver the Late Show." ••• desk chat: Dave displays the organization of the blue cards on his desk. ••• "Inside the Eisenhower White House" / kinescope:
(voice-over): "This is the Oval Office, where President Eisenhower spends most of his working day. This is the White House lawn, where President Eisenhower enjoys practicing his golf swing. And this is the pogo stick Ike uses to get around the White House. Oh... here comes the President now."

(bogus clip of the President bouncing through the Oval Office on a pogo stick)

"This has been 'Inside the Eisenhower White House,' brought to you by Moxie Cola®. As the Splendid Splinter says,

(picture of Ted Williams)

'Make mine Moxie.' "

••• picture-in-picture promo:
A smiling Dave says, "Coming up next on Action News, fireworks in a New Jersey courtroom, as a kangaroo and his owner get in a dispute over a winning lottery ticket. This case promises to cause a "lotto" headaches before it's over. Also, can rectangular food really make you thin? A doctor in Utah thinks so, and that's got local apple growers seeing red."

(Top Ten opening graphics)

••• Top Ten Signs It's Time for Kim Jong-Il to Retire ••• Jessica Biel plugs Easy Virture. ••• commercial / video:
(clips of Dave at work)

(voice-over): "David Letterman: Revered American broadcaster. Legendary television host. Now this comedy icon has been honored with his own commemorative coin from the Muncie Mint. Struck from a gold-colored metallic alloy, this handsome collectible lets family and friends know you enjoy collectibles."

(photo of thrilled collectors)

"Each David Letterman coin comes in an elegant display case, with a certificate of authenticity signed by a famous commemorative coin authenticator. Best of all, since it's the same size and weight as a quarter, in an emergency the David Letterman coin could help you do laundry or use a pay phone. Just six installments of $14.95. Order today."

(Dave's a little misty after seeing this ad.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Zach Galifianakis plugs The Hangover. ••• Steve Earle sings.

6/04/09 [3126]: cold open: We see Jude Brennan and Dave in his dressing room.

Jude: "This is so sad. First there was fame and worldwide acclaim, and now a nervous breakdown... reduced to a sad, babbling mess."

Dave, chomping on gum, amused: "I know what this is. This is one of those things where we're supposed to think you're reading here about Susan Boyle, but you're actually talkin' about me. Right?"

Jude: "Yeah."

Dave, giggling: "I love that stuff. That's good. Do it again!"

(Roll opening theme.)

••• monologue: Dave jokes that he and Tony are going out for a drink, if he can hang on for one more joke. ••• The Egyptians are crazy over Barack Obama. Dave shows us their new Obama Sphinx. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• out of commercial: Dave pours glasses of Johnnie Walker Black Label™ for Tony and him. The famous Scotch makes a fine cologne, as well. ••• interruption: Leo Garvey enters the right side of the theater to complain about the noise. He's just moved into the apartment on the other side of the theater door. ••• Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Tony Awards Host (presented onstage by Neil Patrick Harris) ••• break time: Dave offers the rest of the Johnnie Walker™ to his new neighbor. ••• Paula Abdul ••• Elvis Costello interview ••• Elvis sings.

6/05/09 [3127]: Ticket prices are sky high in the new Yankee Stadium. / video:

(voice-over): "The Yankees admit that $2,500 may have been too expensive for some fans, so we slashed those prices to $1,250. But some New Yorkers have complained that even that is still too high. So the Yankees are proud to announce an inexpensive deal that no fan can refuse. It's our Away-Game Package. Yankee Stadium tickets on nights when the Yankees are on the road are a mere $800 a seat. We'll even let you bring in a radio, so you can listen to the game. The New York Yankees: When it comes to free agent busts, we're a dynasty."
••• "Cool/Not Cool" / video:
(clip: Barack Obama breaking in a pool game)

(clip: George W. Bush missing badly in some kind of floor game)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Fun Facts" / Dave intros the "Fun Facts," then decides to tell his helicopter story instead. A helicopter was buzzing Dave's house for a long time. Dave motioned for him to land, then tells him he can't buzz his house, and threatens to call the FAA. Eventually Dave tells the pilot, "Get back in your helicopter and get out of here, you fat &%$#@." Whatever name Dave called the guy, it rated the aaoogah horn. ••• Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs ••• Paris Hilton, with several cuts to the green room to visit with her boyfriend, baseball player Doug Reinhardt [The eastern half of the U.S. missed 2:03 of Paris's segment, instead seeing a color bar test pattern with "CBS New York."] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• jockey Calvin Borel ••• Steven Wright does stand-up.

6/08/09 [3128]: George and Laura Bush have a new home outside of Dallas. Laura gave a tour of their home on Good Morning America today. / video: Strolling through the back yard, Laura's questioned about a sculpture by a renowned artist. It's of Dick Cheney nekkid! ••• Life magazine has found a set of never-seen photos of Adolph Hitler, along with home movies of Adolph as a boy. / video: It's a clip from The Little Rascals. Alfalfa, singing badly in front of his class, has an FX mustache added by our friends at the Late Show. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave believes that you have to know when to get a facelift. If you wait too long to get it, "you'll spend the rest of your life looking like a frightened ferret," he warns. When Michele O'Callaghan puts on the make-up these days, there's too much moving around. Also, Dave wants to lose about five pounds. He's tried the Dr. Lou diet, and Dr. Lou told Dave he can try another snack besides cookies. He suggests grapes... 1/3 of a cup, for example. Dave got out a measuring thing, all set to go along with Lou's advice. How many grapes are in 1/3 of a cup? "Seven," Dave screams. ••• Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's Trip to New York ••• desk chat: Dave wants to recognize the fine young college men and women who have been interns for the show over the past three months. / video: We're treated to an action movie starring Mr. Bruce Willis, and featuring the interns, along with Sarah Billington, Talent Coordinator; Kim Richards, Assistant to Jerry Foley; and Rick Scheckman, Film Coordinator. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Howard Stern ••• Mos Def sing.

6/09/09 [3129]: Gov. Sarah Palin has been accused of plagiarizing a speech, and it's not the first time she's borrowed words. / video:

(image and a crackly audio recording from Calvin Coolidge's 1925 inauguration speech): "I stand before you not as a politician, but as a simple hockey mom who has loved this country since I was a little girl. So tonight the high heels go on, and the gloves come off. Goodnight America. I love you, Todd."
••• How did Sonia Sotomayor break her ankle at LaGuardia? / video:
(CNN footage): A woman is ripped off a beach by a water sport gadget of some kind.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: With no explanation, Dave is wearing a gigantic, fake diamond pinky ring. / FX sparklies / He looks like Sammy Davis, Jr. (well... in a jewelry sort of way) ••• outside cam: Dave was complaining earlier about changes on Broadway. We see some strange islands and parking spots that have just been installed. ••• "Small Town News" ••• interruption: Dave takes a little break from a "Small Town News" story on cracking pecans to tell us a little story:
(Dave): "We were talkin' about hickory nuts, and hickory nuts are very tough to break open. And, so, the discussion was 'how do you bust open hickory nuts?' And a person said (this was at dinner... we were all chatting away), a woman, a nice woman said well, 'My dad...' (they were so hard to bust open... the hickory nuts) '...would go down to the basement and he would put his nuts on an anvil and hit 'em with a hammer.' "
••• more FX ring sparklies ••• more "Small Town News" ••• Julia Roberts plugs Eat, Pray, Love. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "It's another must-see Late Show" and "A Late Show First Aid Tip." ••• more Julia Roberts ••• The Black Eyed Peas sing.

6/10/09 [3130]: "Fox Business Channel On It!" / video:

(dramatic intro music)

(gorgeous reporter Nicole Petallides): "We'll be watching both AT&T and Apple."

(anchor Liz Claman): "Define that, please."

(gorgeous reporter Nicole Petallides, puzzled): "Me?"

(anchor Liz Claman): "OK. Thank you very much, Nicole Petallides. We've got some breaking news. The Supreme Court has issued a stay for Chrysler. Let's go to Tracy Burns. She's got all the news. Tracy?"

(anchor Tracy Burns): "Actually, Liz, I think you want to jump up to Robert for this, 'cause I've got your seven lates."

(anchor Liz Claman): "Robert Gray, go ahead."

(Robert Gray, looking down, reading): "Uh, you know, Liz, I'm trying to get a hold of this myself. Uh, just jumping on this... some breaking news, guys, um. I don't have it, Liz. I'm going to have to send it back down to you, I'm afraid."

(dramatic music)

••• Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle at LaGuardia recently. Here's how it really happened. / video: A woman takes off on a two-cycle motorbike with a bad muffler, and burning lots of oil. She goes about 25 feet and crashes into something that looks like a lemonade stand. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• blockbuster desk chat: Gov. Sarah and Todd Palin are mad at Dave for a couple of recent jokes. Our host embarks on an eight-minute-long update on the situation, along with his response to her calling him pathetic. Dave aired the Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's Trip to New York a couple of days ago, in which an entry referred to her "slutty flight attendant look." That apparently didn't set well. Dave kind of likes that joke. Then Dave delivered a joke about keeping Eliot Spitzer away from the Palins' daughter. The other joke they didn't care for was, "Sarah Palin went to a Yankees game yesterday. There was one awkward moment during the seventh-inning stretch. Her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." Dave admits that they are borderline jokes, but were an attempt to get cheap laughs. He says his jokes weren't about her 14-year-old daughter. They were about the 18-year-old daughter who was knocked up." Dave says there are thousands of jokes he regrets telling on his program. He's not trying to make trouble. Dave concludes by inviting the Palins to appear on the show. ••• ["Stupid Human Tricks" / 1. Gregg Lauble, a banker from Pittsburgh, gets his arm wet and, applying his lips, produces an extremely impressive chain saw imitation. 2. Nate and Saysha Nielson from Gilbert, Arizona are next. Nate's a medical student. He crams the handle of a dinner fork up his nose, then moves his head around to serve up a forkful of spaghetti to his lovely wife. Nate then removes the presumably contaminated fork from his nose and shakes hands with Dave. 3. Colin Mason from Cheyenne, Wyoming somehow rolls his eyes so they show all white. They're zombie eyes. It was disgusting.] ••• Steve Nash, a hotshot NBA player I've never heard of, presents a taped report from the NBA finals. The Lakers and the Orlando Magic are playing, and Steve visits with a few people, much as Biff does in the World Series and the Super Bowl. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Stupid Human Tricks" clips ••• Kathy Griffin plugs Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. ••• Sonic Youth sing.

6/11/09 [3131]: ••• monologue: "Well, it's been a busy week here at the Late Show. Earlier in the week I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin, and uh, I was tellin' jokes about her family and stuff, and she got really upset. I think everything's fine now. I think everything's gonna be great, because she called today and invited to take me hunting." ••• Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her leg at LaGuardia. She seems to be cursed. / video: We see Sonia in a jungle, on one of those rope bridges. She falls off the thing into a stream, and sure enough, she breaks her collarbone. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The Picasso Museum in Paris had a theft. The museum has broadcast an appeal for help. / video:

(voice-over): "The Picasso Museum regrets to announce the theft of a valuable notebook containing drawings by Pablo Picasso."

(picture of an old notebook)

"Museum curators have released this sketch of the suspect."

(distorted Picasso painting of a man)

(voice-over): "If you spot him, contact the police at once. The Picasso Museum. What's in your wallet?"

••• Denzel Washington is on tonight, and Dave has a clip of The Taking of Pelham 123. / video:
(voice-over): "The Taking of Pelham 123 is the most exciting film of the summer. See what happens when criminals highjack a New York City subway. Starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington and David Letterman as the old guy who's too scared to do anything."

(clip of a criminal, Dave and Jude Brennan as Mrs. Letterman, side-by-side on a subway)

(criminal): "You don't mind if we dance with your wife, do you, Grandpa?"

(Jude): "Are you just going to sit there and do nothing, you worm?"

(Dave, grinning sheepishly): "Actually, I'm too scared to do anything, really. Go ahead and dance with her."

(voice-over): "The Taking of Pelham 123..."

(Dave): "Go ahead and dance with her."

(voice-over): "opens Friday."

••• Regis Philbin, onstage, presents his Top Ten Reasons Regis Philbin Is Not on the Show Tonight. ••• Denzel Washington plugs The Taking of Pelham 123. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
(Alan Kalter): "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

(old timer): "Is anybody here old enough to remember the Hopteelman brothers? Well then you remember how good they was at bustin' broncs. So one day we was waitin' for a dust storm to blow through. This is way down on the old Flyin' Connie. So Vern Jumbers dares the Hopteelman brothers to chase Curly, the biggest horse I ever saw, into town with a D-8. John, the dumb one, was all wound up wantin' to go hot beanin' into town, and everybody's kinda warmed up. Finally I pulled out my 30-06 and let a little lead fly. And I says, 'Maybe that ain't such a good idea.' That's a true story."

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• The Jonas Brothers sing.

(Thanks to Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette for the spelling of Hopteelman. That's not a common family name in my neck of the woods.)

6/12/09 [3132]: Apple Computer gadgets have moved the computer world to the next incarnation. / video:

(voice-over): "Apple has changed the rules again. Introducing the iThing™. We're not even sure what it does, but it's compact, cool-looking, and it's $249. Or choose the ultra-portable iThing Nano™ for just $199. Apple: When you care enough to send the very best."
••• The Bush administration had a great idea in putting thugs and terrorists on Guantanamo Bay. Now the Obama administration is thinking about doing something else with them, but they don't know what to do. / video:
(voice-over): "They're the men nobody wants. 245 detainees not yet convicted of terrorist crimes, but too dangerous to release. So what can America do with them? Move them in with a pair of bickering parents on Jon & Kate Plus 245! What happens when Kate catches Marghoob ordering howitzer components online? Or when Ubaydullah asks Jon about the birds and the bees? And what is to be done with those incorrigible Akbari triplets? Jon & Kate Plus 245: Tuesdays after Cake Bake on TLC."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• e-mail: "Dear Dave, I've had enough of the hair jokes. One more and I'll put you in the cement of one of my spacious new condos, overlooking the Hudson. I'll be waiting for you outside after the show, funny man." —Donald Trump ••• The Taking of Pelham 123 is about trouble on a New York subway. The MTA has a response. / video:
(voice-over): "The Metropolitan Transit Authority wishes to assure riders that the frightening scenario of The Taking of Pelham 123 is completely fictional. However, in the event of an actual hostage situation, surviving passengers will receive a complimentary $14 Metro Card. The MTA: Going your way."
••• Top Ten Questions Congress Is Receiving About the Digital Switchover ••• e-mail: "I like the joke about the guy who was dead in the car. Watch your ass." —Donald Trump. ••• Sandra Bullock plugs The Proposal. ••• e-mail: "Dear Dave: Watch your ass." —Jesse James ••• more Sandra Bullock ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join Dave Monday..." ••• after commercial: Dave compliments bassist Will Lee and the CBSO after they do the Beatles' "Hey Jude." ••• Pete Correale does stand-up. ••• PJ Harvey and John Parish sing.

6/15/09 [3133]: desk chat: Dave offers a second apology to Sarah Palin and her family for a couple of recent jokes that they were whining about. ••• Top Ten Messages on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Answering Machine ••• Jack Black plugs Year One. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." and "Alan Kalter's 'What's Up?' " ••• The World Health Organization has raised H1N1 to Phase 6. / "Late Show Stagehands Discuss the Pandemic" (with Pat Farmer and Harold Larkin) ••• Dr. M. A. Sanjayan of The Nature Conservancy discusses topics such as climate change.

6/16/09 [3134]: cold open / Jude Brennan with Dave in his dressing room:

Jude: "CBS would like to apologize in advance to everyone Dave insults tonight. He means well, but he's just an idiot."

Dave, grinning: "True."

••• monologue: 1. Dave announces that Sarah Palin has accepted his apology, and a $500 certificate for LensCrafters™. 2. Dave was nervous about apologizing to Sarah Palin, so he practiced with Tina Fey. ••• The big news in New York City is the "Fire Dave Rally," outside on 54th St. and Broadway. / video: clips of mob violence, looting and arson / And with what song does the CBSO lead into commercial? It's Martha and the Vendellas' "Dancin' in the Street." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Milestones in Television History" / video:
(voice-over): "The switchover from analog to digital television signals." (June 12, 2009), "The first coast-to-coast color television broadcast." (January 1, 1954), "The debut of Mustache-Vision." (July 15, 1979 - Jimmy Carter with an FX mustache) "This has been 'Milestones in Television History.' "
••• interruption: Writer Joe Grossman shows up behind Dave with a "FIRE LETTERMAN" sign. Dave informs Joe that the rally is across the street. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the "Fire David Letterman" Rally ••• Jimmi Simpson shows up as "Lyle, the Intern." ••• Michelle Pfeiffer plugs Cheri. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Judah Friedlander plugs 30 Rock. ••• Ian McLagan and the Bump Band (with special guest Patty Griffin) sing. •••

6/17/09 [3135]: President Obama was being interviewed yesterday when an annoying fly kept coming by. / video: The quick-handed president nabs it. / Tragically, another fly (approx. 1,000 times larger) swoops by and flies away with Obama. ••• New York City has recently been named the current #1 city for road rage. / video:

(voice-over): "According to the 2009 Auto Vantage road rage survey, New York has overtaken Miami, and is now the U. S. city with the angriest and most aggressive drivers."

(clips of crash scenes)

"We've worked long and hard for this, New York, and it's an achievement we can all be proud of. Congratulations everybody! A message from Mayor Bloomberger."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Attention iPhone™ owners: Visit the Late Show Web site and download fun apps, like Alan Kalter's bouncing head." ••• desk chat: Cohiba cigars ••• "Biff Henderson's Cavalcade of Hilarious Hidden-Camera Practical Jokes / video: Biff glues a $20 bill to a sidewalk, puts a sombrero on unsuspecting citizens, traps a guy in a revolving door and has a boy help him with the tongue twister of a segment title. ••• Ryan Reynolds plugs The Proposal. ••• Padma Lakshmi plugs Top Chef. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tune in tomorrow..." ••• Eels sing.

6/18/09 [3136]: Guantanamo Bay may be closed down. Where will the terrorists go? / video:

(voice-over): "They're the men nobody wants. 245 detainees not yet convicted of terrorist crimes, but too dangerous to release. So what can America do with them? Move them in with a pair of bickering parents on Jon & Kate Plus 245! What happens when Kate catches Marghoob ordering howitzer components online? Or when Ubaydullah asks Jon about the birds and the bees? And what is to be done with those incorrigible Akbari triplets? Jon & Kate Plus 245: Tuesdays after Cake Bake on TLC."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Summer is a couple of days away. When Dave was a kid, he was sent outside. Now it's too unsafe to be out there without protection. / video:
(clips of people outside in the summer)

(voice-over): "Summer heat is here. Be sure to drink enough fluids, and protect your skin from the sun's rays. Now it's easy to do both, with Pepsi Block™... delicious Pepsi taste with an SPF of 50. Drink it up. Rub it in. Pepsi Block™: Refresh everything."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "The FDA has not yet approved this product."

••• Hillary Clinton broke her elbow recently. / CNN video: A woman on a beach gets yanked out to sea lightning fast. ••• There's controversy and protest surrounding the recent election in Iran. We're fortunate enough to have the leader of the opposition, Mir Hussein Mussavi, with us onstage. (OK... maybe it's Electronic Maintenance Technician Gary Mintz.) Anyway, Mr. Mussavi promises free refills in the cafeteria if he's elected. ••• Top Ten Signs Your Caddy Is Nuts ••• Danny DeVito plugs It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. ••• ••• Bear Grylls plugs Man vs. Wild. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow for another top-shelf Late Show." ••• more Bear Grylls ••• Phoenix sing.

6/19/09 [3137]: There's more television digital switchover to come. / video:

(voice-over): "The final transition to digital television has taken place with minimal disruption. Further digital upgrades are coming. Be aware that as of August 1st, you will need a digital convertor for your telegraph key. This means
  • greater reliability
  • more interactivity, and
  • futuristic-sounding beeps.

Make sure you can still send word of railway accidents and stagecoach robberies. Telegraph the Federal Telegraph Bureau for your convertor box coupon today. The Federal Telegraph Bureau: dot dot dash dot dash dot dot."

••• Broadway is now a pedestrian mall. / video:
(voice-over): "Mayor Bloomberg's plan to close Broadway to traffic has been a rousing success, replacing noisy, congested traffic with lawn furniture and parking spaces. So keep an eye out for more improvements in the near future, as we convert the city's bridges into dog runs, the subway tracks into swimming pools and the Lincoln Tunnel into the world's longest Outback Steakhouse™. New York City: Going down the toilet in style."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• out of commercial: Dave's in the audience, handing over money for a New Jersey State Police cap. Also, a couple came straight to the Ed after getting married. ••• desk chat: Dave's been concerned about Broadway. Now it's closed to traffic. To explain the decision, we have Mayor Bloomberg on Dave's phony dial phone:
Dave: "Hello, Mayor Bloomberg. Thanks for speaking with us here tonight."

Bloomberg: "My pleasure, Greaseman, and here's a shout out to all your listeners here in the Windy City."

Dave: Right. Right. That... that's... you know, it's Dave, and uh, we're in New York City, Mayor, and thanks anyway."

Bloomberg: "I'm glad you asked, Greaseman. The closing of Broadway has been an overwhelming success... finally solving the city's crisis of where to store our surplus of chairs."

Dave: "Right. Right."

Bloomberg: "And have you tried our naked yoga park on 49th and Broadway?"

Dave: "Well, yeah... no, I wasn't aware there was naked yoga..."

Bloomberg: (hangs up)

Dave: "Mayor? Mayor?"

••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. The Eiffel Tower has two-and-a-half million rivets. 2. Saturn's rings were installed by NASA in 1987. 3. In the 1970s, the NBA played their games on shag carpeting.] ••• interruption: glass-breaking FX: Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol:
(Len): "Uh, 10-12 Len Easton. I just spun it around and turned back to previous location. Drunken party at Montebello."

(unknown citizen, who sounds like Dave): "Ohhh... someone barfed!"

(Len): "Uhhh. We need a street sweeper. Partner Larry appears green and nauseous."

(unintelligible)

(Len): "It's a 10-4 on the cold compress. 19 out."

••• [now back to "Fun Facts": 4. A broken calendar is right twice a year. 5. Abercrombie and Fitch® had little success with their seafood subsidiary, Ambercrombie and Fish®.] ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Kids on Father's Day ••• Jada Pinkett Smith plugs Hawthorne. ••• "Alan Kalter's Swimming Pool Chemical Review" / Alan takes a few moments to evaluate a current product.
Alan: "There are a wide variety of chemicals on the market to help you keep your swimming pool clean and attractive. Well, tonight I'm reviewing Bioguard Chlorinating Granules®."

(Alan digs into the opened tub of white granules, and stuffs his face with and handful.)

Alan (speaking with his mouth full): "Mmmm. Now that's chlorine!"

Dave: "I don't think he should be doing that."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show." ••• Michael Cera plugs Year One. ••• The Sounds sing.

6/22/09 [3138]: Jon and Kate (whoever they are) made a big announcement earlier tonight. / video from The Learning Channel:

(voice-over): "And now, Jon and Kate make an announcement that will change their lives forever."

(We see the couple seated on a couch, speaking. It's impossible to hear a word they're saying, thanks to a roomful of screaming kids.)

(voice-over): "Stay tuned for Cake Boss."

••• The U. S. Open at Bethpage, Long Island encountered some dangerous weather. / video: Jeff Brehaut is putting on the 18th hole. He misses something awful, but a perfectly-timed bolt of lightning creates a perfectly-placed new 18th hole for him. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave's in the audience, distributing dinner certificates. ••• desk chat: A lady in the audience asked about Regis during the preshow visit. / "Regis killed a guy," Dave reports. ••• desk chat: Dave was in Montana recently, where he saw a bison being born, and ten minutes later it walked away with its mom. ••• "Andy Kindler Talks to Graduates" (with Liynaa'a M. of St. Francis College, Nick F. of NYU, Jacklyn F. of Rutgers and Nicholas G. of the University of New Hampshire) ••• Top Ten Signs Mayor Bloomberg Has Gone Nuts (The show must have been running very long. Dave flew through the list in record time.) ••• Samuel L. Jackson, who will host the Espys on July 19. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Is Sue Hum Drunk?" (a little) ••• cooking with Emeril Lagasse, author of Emerial for All Seasons / Dave has Janet from St. Louis come onstage to sample Emeril's oysters. ••• The BPA featuring Iggy Popp sing.

6/23/09 [3139]: Jon and Kate (whoever they are) announced their divorce yesterday. / video:

(voice-over): "Last night Jon and Kate made the shocking announcement that they had decided to end their marriage. But Jon and Kate insist the show must go on, so this fall don't miss Jon & Kate Plus Eight - Jon + Ira the Divorce Lawyer + Steve, Kate's Creepy Security Guard Boyfriend + the Walgreen's Cashier Jon's Been Seeing on the Side."
••• Shannon Eis with new summer toys ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Ed McMahon died today. ••• Lucas Glover (2009 U. S. Open winner) presents the Top Ten Things Lucas Glover Would Like to Say after Winning the U. S. Open. ••• Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, author of Finding Susie ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow Dave welcomes Ray Romano." ••• MSTRKRFT and special guest John Legend sing.

6/24/09 [3140]: monologue: It's gay pride week in New York City. / outside cam: The Statue of Liberty is dressed in a flannel shirt and hiking boots. ••• Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, was unexplainably gone for four days. He claimed he was in South America, hiking, etc. / video:

(voice-over): "The citizens of South Carolina are relieved that Governor Mark Sanford is safe after being missing for four days. Also, millions of citizens across the country are relieved that George W. Bush has been missing for five months. A message from people."
••• Bernie Madoff is asking for a reduced sentence. / video:
(voice-over): "Bernie Madoff regrets the financial fraud which has hurt so many. However, the proposed sentence of 150 years is excessive. Mr. Madoff suggests a prison term of 12 years. For a full explanation of why the shorter sentence is appropriate, send $1,000 to: Madoff Explanation, P.O. Box 770, New York, New York 10145. Cash only, please. Bernie Madoff: Change we can believe in."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, who he believes failed to show respect for either his family or his job. (The governor slipped down to Argentina on Father's Day for an affair.) Now, suppose North Carolina declares war on South Carolina on Father's Day weekend. What then? ••• desk chat: Dave has a road atlas, because he was puzzled about a lady's hometown in the preshow questions. She's from Eighty Four, Pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. ••• "Mark Sanford: Take Your Time" / video:
(We see the governor at a podium for a press conference.)

(Sanford): "OK. Ya'll ready? Everybody ready? Umm. I won't begin at any particular spot."

••• interruption: Leo Garvey, the gentleman who has an apartment next door to the studio, has a lady friend in for dinner tonight. He wonders if Dave could keep the noise down. In fact, if Leo has to come back in, he's going to set fire to Alan Kalter. ••• Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses ••• Ray Romano plugs Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. He's 50 years old now, and now he has to use ointments. Also, he's worried that his 16-year-old twin sons are almost old enough to kick his ass. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Four out of five television sets prefer the Late Show." ••• St. Vincent (Annie Clark) sings. ••• Worldwide Pants closing logo: Ray Romano gets the nonsense voice-over.

6/25/09 [3141]: monologue: It's gay pride week in New York City. The Statue of Liberty is holding a mojito. ••• "Governor Mark Sanford Press Conference Recap" / video:

Sanford: "The bottom line is this. I, um..." "Umm... uhhh." "Umm, I, I..." "What we're tryin' to do is, um..." "Umm..." "I, uhhh." "Umm..." "I, umm..." "Uhhh..." "I, I..." "The, uhh..." "And, uh..." "How, how, how, do you...?" "Where's Gina?" "Somebody want to help me here?"
••• "Terrell Owens Reacts to Gov. Sanford Scandal" / video:
A tearful Terrell says, "It's really unfair. He's my teammate." (sniff) "He's my quarterback."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Governor Mark Sanford ••• A hilarious Johnny Depp plugs Public Enemies, a movie about John Dillinger. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us same time, same place tomorrow." ••• outside cam: Megan Fox signing autographs ••• Megan Fox plugs Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

6/26/09 [3142]: A gorilla who resides in the Calgary Zoo pulled a knife on another gorilla. / video:

(voice-over): "Onlookers at the Calgary Zoo were shocked last week when one Western Lowland Gorilla picked up a knife and pointed it at another. Even more troubling than the incident itself, however, was how 911 handled the emergency call."

(clip of a chimpanzee answering a telephone)

(young woman's voice on phone): "Help! I'm at the Calgary Zoo. A gorilla has a knife!"

(back to the chimpanzee on the phone): The "monkey" makes that vibrating lips noise that chimpanzees like to do.

(voice-over): "We apologize, and promise this won't happen again. A message from the International Monkey Alliance."

••• It's rained for two or three weeks in a row. / video:
(photo of God, pointing at something or other)

(voice-over): "Sick of all this rain? Well, God would like to say, 'It's gonna keep raining until you stop putting these idiots on the covers of Us Weekly.' "

(photos of US covers with Jon & Kate, naughty people having affairs, etc.)

(voice-over): "God: Appearing this Saturday at Harrah's Casino."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: There's so much rain that Broadway is flooded. / hilarious animation of a hot dog cart floating by the entrance of the Ed Sullivan Theater ••• "Fun Facts" ••• It's time for the Top Ten list, but no category is announced. We home viewers get to guess the title from the entries. / Top Ten Signs You're Too Fat ••• Martin Short plugs his special, Let Freedom Hum on TBS. / Martin presents a musical number. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

Bob: "Here's another story I think you're all gonna enjoy. This one happened when I was workin' on the El Fuego Fuego place just outside of Yuma with the Ronteen brothers, Bob, Ellie and Jennifer. We was lookin' for strays up in the Cahuenga Pass. So I says, 'Anybody here ever been stuck by lightnin?' And before anybody says somethin', Bob topples off his horse screamin', 'My appendix is gonna bust!' Well, we put him in the truck and drive 600 miles up to Salt Lake, but when we got there, he was dead."

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• Regina Spektor sings her new song, "Laughing With." It was sweet.

6/29/09: REPEAT FROM 6/03/09

6/30/09: REPEAT FROM 4/02/09

7/01/09: REPEAT FROM 6/11/09

7/02/09: REPEAT FROM 6/12/09

7/03/09: REPEAT FROM 5/14/09

7/06/09 [3143]: Guess what the Statue of Liberty did over the Fourth of July! / outside cam: Lady Liberty is wearing a "Kiss the Cook" t-shirt. ••• Also over the Fourth of July weekend, George W. Bush made an appearance at a rodeo in Oklahoma. / video: A really disagreeable bull takes out our former president. ••• "A Message from Sarah Palin" / video: "The world needs more / insane / governors." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit") ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• A guy just won Wimbledon, and he had an interesting reaction. / video:

(photo of a smiling Wimbledon winner and cup)

(voice-over): "Fifteen grand slam titles. He is an icon. He is the greatest player who ever lived. He's, uhhh, oh, what's his name? Not Sampras... the other guy. Robert? Ron? I don't know."

(USTA logo)

(voice-over): "Tennis - Like golf, but without Tiger."

••• Sarah Palin is resigning as governor of Alaska. What will she do next? We have an answer. / video:
(clip of Sarah Palin in one of her red outfits)

(voice-over): "She may be resigning as governor, but you haven't seen the last of Sarah Palin. Catch Sarah this fall on her new talk show, Sarah & Dave, 10 P.M. weekends on CBS. Palin: Decisive leadership."

••• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has made almost $300,000,000 in its first 12 days. / live onstage: Optimus Prime presents the Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken by a Giant Robot. ••• Hayden Panettiere plugs I Love You, Beth Cooper. ••• Wimbledon 2009 Women's Singles Champ, Serena Williams ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• more Serena Williams ••• Conor Oberst & the Mystic Valley Band sing.

7/07/09 [3144]: monologue: The Statue of Liberty is holding a flyswatter. ••• monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 23 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, 35 seconds ••• interruption: During the monologue, Mr. Biff Henderson strolls onstage and peers curiously into the camera lens. It turns out he wants to know if tonight's episode is a rerun. Dave runs him off. ••• Many tribute events are occurring for Michael Jackson. Dave found one that was odd. / video from North Korea: Kim Jong-Il's crazy hair is dancing to Michael Jackson's "Beat It." ••• After announcing her intention to resign as governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin went fishing. / video: We see a woman falling out of a small boat. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wishes a happy birthday to Al Chez. ••• desk chat: Dave's tie is tied way too short. ••• "Small Town News" ••• desk chat: Dave shows off his too-shirt tie again. ••• Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine ••• Sacha Baron Cohen plugs Brüno. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow Dave is joined by Queen Latifah and Emma Watson." ••• Joel McHale plugs The Soup on E!

7/08/09 [3145]: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 22 days, 10 hours, 23 minutes, 25 seconds ••• this just in: The Statue of Liberty has a mosquito net. ••• Dave wonders if anyone is having naughty thoughts about Sarah Palin in hip waders. (She went fishing soon after announcing her upcoming resignation.) Naturally the horn section all raise their hands. ••• this just in: The Statue of Liberty is wearing hip waders (in honor of Gov. Palin). ••• Al Franken was sworn in as a United States Senator yesterday. / video:

(clip of Al being sworn in)

(voice-over): "Al Franken is proud to have finally become Minnesota's junior Senator; however, due to the unrelenting media scrutiny, Senator Franken has decided to resign and go fishing in Alaska. Al Franken: Be there."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave admits that many times he visits a health care professional. The first time, he no sooner had sat down than he was asked (in a goofy German accent), "Vas you ever in the Nut House?" Dave was informed that he worries too much about things that have no basis in reality. Recently, the Transformers movie is driving him crazy. / video:
(clip of Dave in his kitchen)

(Dave): "Help! Help! Help! Oh! eee eeee eee!"

(Jude Brennan, as Mrs. Letterman, enters.)

(Dave, pointing to a toaster): "This is a robot, and it's gonna turn into a thing and kill me! It's a transformer! Don't... go... near it!"

(Jude): "It's just a toaster, you moron."

(Dave): "Yeah? Well, how are you gonna feel when it shoots a thing out and explodes me?"

(The toaster shoots a thing out and explodes Dave.)

••• Top Ten Questions Bernie Madoff Asked Today in Prison ••• interruption: Lyle the Intern (Jimmi Simpson) shows up. This time he has a video camera with him, and he's narrating his visit with "D-Dawg." ••• Queen Latifah plugs Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. ••• Emma Watson plugs Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us for tomorrow's Late Show." ••• more Emma Watson ••• Queen Latifah sings.

7/09/09 [3146]: monologue: There's a skeeter problem in New York. / photo: The Statue of Liberty is now holding a very large can of Raid®. ••• Sarah Palin has resigned as governor of Alaska. / Terrell Owens reacts in a favorite Late Show video:

A tearful Terrell says, "It's really unfair. He's my teammate." (sniff) "He's my quarterback."
••• monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 21 days, 10 hours, 19 minutes, 42 seconds ••• "Why Are We Scared of Ahmadinejad?" / video: (clip of Mahmoud giving a speech): He swats at a moth or something a couple of times. ••• "What Did Sarah Palin Do Today?" / video:
(action clips of Gov. Palin)

(female voice-over): "What did Sarah Palin do today? Went snow machining with Todd..."

(clip of a moose in a swimming pool)

(voice-over): "...and relaxed by the pool with her pet moose. This has been 'What Did Sarah Palin Do Today?' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Writer Joe Grossman shows up in front of the backdrop. He wants to where to get in line for the Dave Letterman memorial. Mr. Letterman runs him off. ••• live onstage: Sacha Baron Cohen presents the Top Ten Reasons to See the New Movie "Brüno." ••• Daniel Radcliffe plugs Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Rainn Wilson." ••• Veronika Part, beautiful principal ballerina of the American Ballet Theater ••• Levon Helm sings.

7/10/09 [3147]: It's hot. / picture: A rat's eating a Klondike® bar. ••• picture (not sure why): The Statue of Liberty is holding maracas. ••• President Obama can't quite break free of the butts. / video:

(picture of President Obama)

(voice-over): "President Obama admits that he still occasionally smokes a cigarette, but said this about his tobacco habit."

(Obama): "I would say that I'm 95% cured..."

(voice-over): "Meanwhile, a former president is pleased to announce he's also 95% cured of his addiction."

(photo of Bill Clinton, with a babe on either side of him and the wacky boing sound effect)

(photo of a geezer)

(voice-over): "The Late Show congratulates Lou McTeague of St. Louis, who submitted this hilarious Bill Clinton joke. Good one, Lou! Thanks to all who entered! Back to you, Dave."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave's in the audience, delivering dinner certificates for "21." ••• "Fun Facts" / interruption after glass-breaking sound FX: It's Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol. / audio:
(Easton): "Uh, 212 Len Easton, southbound on the 5 in Anaheim. I'm half mile a north of the Disneyland Hotel. Disturbance reported to Easton: Two youths selling fake hand stamps. Will apprehend, confiscate stamps and report."

(unintelligible)

••• more "Fun Facts" ••• Top Ten Signs You're Staying at the Same Hotel as Osama bin Laden ••• Rainn Wilson plugs Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show" and "Look out!" ••• Larry Miller (10 Things I Hate About You) does stand-up. ••• Maxwell sings.

7/13/09 [3148]: It's hot in New York City. / picture of the Statue of Liberty in shorts and an "I ♥ NY" T-shirt ••• Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 17 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, 8 seconds ••• The Obamas visited Pope Benedict the 16th. / picture of His Holiness in a sleeveless Michelle Obama outfit ••• The Senate is considering Sonia Sotomayor's nomination to the Supreme Court. Senator Orrin Hatch got a bit long-winded during his turn in questioning. / video:

(CNN video)

(Senator Hatch): "I sure just hope that we've arrived at a point in our country's history where individuals can be examined, and even criticized for their views, no matter what their race or gender. If those standards were appropriate when Senator Obama..."

(Sotomayor's eyes close.)

(Senator Hatch): "...opposed Republican nominees..."

(Sotomayor begins snoring.)

(Senator Hatch): "... they should be appropriate when President Obama is choosing his own nominees. But today President Obama said personal empathy is an essential ingredient in judicial decisions. Today were are interested in..."

(You get the idea.)

••• "Sarah Palin Ringing Endorsement of the Night" / video: Senator John McCain on Meet the Press
(NBC video)

(David Gregory): "You think she's qualified to seek the highest office in the land?"

(Sen. McCain): "I know she's qualified."

(David Gregory): "She is qualified?"

(Sen. McCain): "Sure! Absolutely."

(David Gregory): "No doubt about it."

(Sen. McCain): "No doubt about it."

(David Gregory): "If she seeks the presidency in 2012, you would endorse her?"

(Sen. McCain): "Oh... I... Look..."

••• Biff comes out to set up "Biff Henderson's Cavalcade of Surprisingly Spot-On Superstar Celebrity Look-Alikes." Biff is out on the street finding look-alikes, and is joined by segment coordinator Amy Hideriotis, writer Jeremy Weiner and costume designer Sue Hum. Biff finds look-alikes for Jack Nicholson, Jamie Foxx, Keira Knightley and Larry David. Pronouncing the title proves to be quite a tussle for both Biff and Sue Hum. ••• Jonah Hill plugs Funny People. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tune in tomorrow." ••• Kelly Clarkson sings.

7/14/09 [3149]: It's a beautiful day in New York City. / picture: The Statue of Liberty is wearing a sun hat and holding a cooler of beer bottles. ••• Bernie Madoff is a skunk. He's in for 150 years. His job is sweeping the prison floor, and he makes 14¢ per day. Not much? Add it up for 150 years! / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 16 days, 10 hours, 21 minutes, 55 seconds ••• countdown to the next Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock: 23 hours, 58 minutes, 45 seconds ••• Dave talks about Dick Cheney's basement lair yet again, and we're treated to Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee. ••• monologue: Yesterday President Obama was talking to a bunch of people, using a TelePrompTer®, as usual, and it exploded. Dave says, "Boy, I'm disappointed in this guy. Why he can't think and speak on his, uh... flip the card, Tony. On his feet." ••• Something odd happened yesterday at the Senate confirmation hearing for Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor. / CNN video:

(Senator Lindsay Graham): "...or else the standard he articulated would make it impossible for anybody with my view of the law and society to vote."

(Cut to shot of Judge Sotomayor.)

(Cue Roberta Flack singing.): "Tonight, I celebrate my love for you. It seems the natural thing to do."

(Cue sparklies and hearts on the clips of Sotomayor and Graham.)

••• Something weird happened during the Home Run Derby at the All-Star Game. / video: A batter knocks one out of the park. The next thing we know, the thing has made it to France, and it takes out a biker in the Tour de France! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Small Town News" (with guys who look like Dave, including Robert S. Stadel, Sr. of Lancaster, Pennsylvania and George Gulde of Suffolk County, New York) ••• Dave mentions audience people from Leamington, Ontario, the tomato capital of Canada. ••• Top Ten Signs Sonia Sotomayor Is Getting Cocky ••• Edie Falco plugs Nurse Jackie. ••• Dave and Edie play catch. ••• out of commercial: Dave gives a shout out to Will Lee. ••• Michael Showalter plugs Michael and Michael Have Issues on Comedy Central. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to join Dave tomorrow." ••• Wilco and Feist sing.

7/15/09 [3150]: It's lousy hot and sunny in New York City today. / picture: The Statue of Liberty is wearing sunglasses. ••• The National League lost in the All-Star Game yesterday, leaving a lot of fans upset, but none more than this guy. / video:

A tearful Terrell Owens says, "It's really unfair. He's my teammate." (sniff) "He's my quarterback."
••• Bernie Madoff is in prison in a 10' x 12' cell. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 15 days, 10 hours, 10 minutes, 43 seconds ••• The latest Harry Potter movie opened today. Everybody in New York has the Harry Potter fever. / picture: The Statue of Liberty is wearing a wizard hat. ••• We have a scene from the new Harry Potter movie. / video: OK... we're starting out normally. It's Harry and Prof. Dumbledore. Where's the punchline? Oh... OK... Suddenly we're watching Regis Philbin leading exercises. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave comments on tonight's appearance by Sir Paul McCartney. ••• Paul does his impression of Ed Sullivan introducing The Beatles' February 1964 appearance on his show. / clip from the show ••• live onstage: Bruce Willis delivers the Top Ten Ways Bruce Willis Is Spending His Summer. ••• outside cam: We see the crowd gathered for the outdoor performance. ••• Sir Paul McCartney interview ••• Act 5: Paul McCartney is making his way through a second floor window of Angelo's Pizza™ and onto the Late Show marquee. ••• From the marquee of the Ed Sullivan Theater: Sir Paul McCartney presents a mini-concert.

7/16/09 [3151]: Yesterday was a big day at the Late Show, and the whole city was caught up in it. Thousands came for Paul McCartney's outdoor concert. The Statue of Liberty has Beatles hair. ••• Dave announces that the Late Show has received five Emmy Award nominations. By the way, Dave was personally nominated for Best Apology (Sarah Palin) and Oldest Host. (Regis was also nominated.) Also on the Emmys topic, 30 Rock received nominations, as well. This just in: The Statue of Liberty suddenly looks just like Tina Fey. ••• Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 14 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes, 29 seconds ••• Today is the 40th anniversary of Apollo 11 (Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins). It's been a while since we've been to the moon, but things are going well. / moon cam: We see a little mall with an Applebee's, a Starbucks and a Wal-Mart. ••• Something unusual happened during the Senate confirmation hearings for Sonia Sotomayor. / FoxNews video:

(Judge Sotomayor): "...what the state is attempting to do, and what liabilities it's imposing..."

(We see Mr. Richard Simmons testifying, in a suit, if you can imagine that.): "I was overweight, a little lethargic, a little short. I was 268 pounds. I'm not 268 pounds anymore, and I'm still not a jock."

••• Questioning for a Supreme Court position is tough. We return to the hearings. / video:

(voice-over): "OK, Judge Sotomayor. For the lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, here's your final question. For what television series did Raymond Burr win tow Emmy Awards?"

(Judge Sotomayor): "It was Perry Mason."

(voice-over): "That's correct! Thanks for watching, America. The Supreme Court Hearings are a Mark Goodson-Bill Todman television production."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows a clip of the crowd gathered outside for Paul McCartney's concert yesterday. It was the largest crowd to gather in New York since the Fire Dave Rally on June 17! He thanks the City of New York's Office of Film, Theater and Broadcasting, Department of Citywide Events Coordination, the Department of Traffic, the Department of Buildings, the New York City Police Department and the Traffic Agents. ••• CBS has put together a congratulatory announcement for everyone from the network nominated for Emmys. / video:
(voice-over): "Congratulations to CBS's Emmy nominees: Simon Baker, Neil Patrick Harris, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and this guy."

(0.4-second clip of David Letterman)

(voice-over): "Congratulations, everyone, from your friends at CBS."

••• Harry Potter opened yesterday. It earned $58,000,000 in one night, but what happened to consideration for one's fellow man? It was awful last night. Dave's not going to a movie ever again. / video:
(We see a young couple seated next to Dave, ignoring the movie while they make out.)

The movie ends. The lights come up.

Dave says, "Honey? Honey? It's time to go." Dave's date reluctantly stops making out with the dude beside her and leaves with him.

••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Wizard Movie ••• Anderson Cooper ••• interruption: It's time for Puzzle Guzzle! Alan Kalter announces for the exciting game show, with tonight's guests Barb and Larry. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is an entertainment gold mine!" ••• Anna Paquin plugs True Blood. ••• Grizzly Bear sing.

7/17/09 [3152]: It's another warm day in New York City. We see the Statue of Liberty holding a frosty mug of beer. ••• Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 13 days, 10 hours, 16 minutes, 42 seconds ••• This week is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 mission landing on the moon. / NASA video:

(Neil Armstrong, about to step onto the moon): "ThatŐs one small step for man, one giant... Baba booey! Baba booey!"
••• Dave's mom, Dorothy, will be 88 years old tomorrow. Via satellite: we go to Indianapolis to visit with Dorothy, who presents her Top Ten Ways Dave's Mom Is Celebrating Her Birthday. ••• Tom Arnold interview / Tom will be performing at Caroline's this weekend. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• Tommy Johnagin does stand-up. ••• Metric sing.

7/20/09 [3153]: "It's sunny today. The Statue of Liberty has sun block on. ••• Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 10 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, 31 seconds ••• NASA lost the master tapes of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon. There's still big excitement about the anniversary. The Statue of Liberty is wearing a space helmet. ••• The Late Show has an illegal copy of the latest Harry Potter movie. We see Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter with vials of memories, which leads quickly to video of Regis Philbin exercising. ••• We have a live feed from the moon... Tranquility Base, to be exact. What?! It's a kitty! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• A woman from the San Francisco Bay area got the preshow question, and asked Dave why he points to his watch before the monologue. Dave replied, "None of your business!" ••• desk chat: Dave reports the passing of Walter Cronkite over the weekend, and he has a story. He once ran into Walter at an ice cream place, and offered to pay for Walter's ice cream. Walter replied that he was perfectly capable of paying for his own. ••• Top Ten Surprises on the NASA Moon Landing Tapes ••• Katherine Heigl plugs The Ugly Truth. ••• "Alan Kalter's Charcoal Review" (Alan eats some brownies.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Jeff Altman / green room cam: Jeff's daughter, Faith, smoking ••• Spinnerette sing.

7/21/09 [3154]: It's raining in New York City. The Statue of Liberty is wearing one of those yellow raincoats. ••• There's already a Zogby poll about the 2012 election. / video:

(voice-over): "A new poll reveals that Mitt Romney is tied with Barack Obama in a hypothetical 2012 election. This is simply a result of people having forgotten who Mitt Romney is. Let us refresh your memory."

(Romney clip): "Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?"

(voice-over): "Yep. That's more like it. Mitt Romney: Rinse. Lather. Repeat."

••• The new Harry Potter movie is out, and all of them are so powerful that the Vatican has endorsed the latest installment. / video:
(clip of Pope Benedict XVI)

(His Holiness speaks): "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is an honorable film that teaches viewers about friendship, loyalty and courage. Also, it taught me how to do this. Shazam!"

(A giant owl appears beside the Pope, replacing a Cardinal.)

(His Holiness): "Cardinal Buford is now a giant owl. Ha ha ha. Good one, Bufe!"

••• desk chat: The Late Show is a think tank. It could bust a brain power meter. / video:
(voice-over): "First there was U2. Then there was Paul McCartney. This Friday, it's the Late Show event of the year. David Letterman. Men. Vegetables. The Late Show presents 'Men & Their Vegetables'. Friday."
••• live onstage: Stewart Cink presents the Top Ten Surprising Facts About Stewart Cink." ••• Kevin Spacey plugs Shrink. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Jesse James plugs Jesse James Is a Dead Man. ••• The Flatlanders (Jimmie Dale Gilmore, Joe Ely & Butch Hancock) sing.

7/22/09 [3155]: President Obama was seen wearing baggy pants at the All-Star Game. (He borrowed them from Chastity Bono.) Guess who's following the trend. That's right... the Statue of Liberty! ••• President Obama has been criticized for nominating Dr. Regina Benjamin, who is overweight, as Surgeon General. / video:

(voice-over): "President Obama is being criticized by those who say his pick for Surgeon General is overweight. The president is overlooking the controversy, however, and is instead focusing his energy on getting approval for his new drug czar."

(photo of Amy Winehouse, with the usual bad hair and lots of tattoos)

(voice-over): "Amy Winehouse. Who needs a refill?"

••• Money was stolen from a landscaping business in Texas by a monkey. / video:
(voice-over): "Residents of Richardson, Texas are warned to be on the lookout for a monkey that robbed a gardening supply store."

(security cam video of the crime)

(video of a little monkey riding a doggie at a rodeo)

(voice-over): "A cash award is offered for any information that leads to the arrest of the monkey in question, or to his getaway dog. The Richardson Police Monkey Unit: Taking a bite out of crime."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave delivers a dinner certificate to a newlywed couple in the audience. ••• desk chat: Friday will be a special night on the Late Show. / video:
(voice-over): "Friday CBS presents a very special episode of the Late Show that you'll want to watch with the entire family."

(various video clips)

(voice-over): "It's the television event of the decade. David Letterman. Men. Vegetables. The Late Show presents 'Men & Their Vegetables.' Friday."

••• Top Ten Questions on the Surgeon General Application ••• Tracy Morgan plugs G-Force. ••• Alan Kalter welcomes WIZJ-TV to the Late Show family. Our beloved announcer drones on and on with the good news, but that's not why we called you here. The guy who beats up Alan shows up and beats up Alan. (According to my records, we haven't seen the dude since November 13, but he sure still has it in him.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show hits the entertainment jackpot." ••• Leslie Mann plugs Funny People. ••• Diane Birch sings.

7/23/09 [3156]: New York City is dealing with rabid raccoons. / outside cam: We see Michael Z. McIntee as a Raccoon Dog vendor, making a sale. The cash goes in his shirt pocket. ••• This from Pakistan: A U. S. missile attack may have killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. Among his kids were twins. / Shecky's skiing camel tape ••• Everybody needs health care. We see the Statue of Liberty with her left arm in a sling. ••• There's a massive scandal in New Jersey. Many politicians were arrested today. / video:

(voice-over): "The state of New Jersey would like to apologize to its residents for today's embarrassing corruption scandal. We promise to get past this ugliness and get back to what New Jersey politicians do best: gay sex. New Jersey: Do the time. Don't let the time do you."
••• "Presidential Press Conference Recap" / video:
(President Obama): "Health care. / Best bang. / Donut hole. / Sore throat. / Tonsils. / Sore throat. / Tonsils. / Blue pill. / Red pill. / So... so... the... / Wait, wait, wait. / And, and, and. / Just a far-out screw-up. / Stupidly. / Queasy. / Shame on you!" (or words to that effect)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Surprises in the President Obama News Conference ••• Diddy ••• Vera Farmiga plugs Orphan. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / video:
(voice-over): "In just 24 hours, it's a Late Show event that will change the course of human history. Lock and load. Hey, get ready for the television event of the century."

(clip of Dave running through the basement of the Ed Sullivan Theater)

(voice-over): "Men. Vegetables. There's no turning back. The Late Show presents 'Men & Their Vegetables.' Friday."

••• Ginuwine, with Missy Elliott

7/24/09 [3157]: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 11 months, 6 days, 10 hours, 21 minutes, 54 seconds ••• It seems as if everyone's on steroids these days. Don't believe me? The Statue of Liberty is in a bikini, looking like a bodybuilder. ••• Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska is leaving office in two days. / picture: We see a small U-Haul® trailer departing the capital, pulled by sled dogs. (She wants to spend more time hunting down her escaped son-in-law.) ••• "Get to Know Alaska's New Governor" / video:

(voice-over): "While Alaska's incoming governor, Sean Parnell, has no problem with David Letterman..."

(photos)

(voice-over): "...in the mid-1980s, he was responsible for several 'Fire Merv Griffin' rallies. This has been 'Get to Know Alaska's New Governor.' "

••• Today's the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 craft's landing. They left a live camera at Tranquility Base. What?! There's a rat moseying around the craters. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• premiere of "Men & Their Vegetables" (newspaper photos of prize-winning vegetables) / desk chat: Dave tells us that as a boy, he'd always wanted his own TV show. Now, during the presentation of this segment, he shows us a blue card he was handed: "SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE VOMITED ON THE LINE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE." Why does he need to know? Why does he need to know now? / back to "Men & Their Vegetables" ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Farewell Party ••• Amy Poehler plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." and an ad for Telepants®, the first pants for your television ••• interruption: The Late Show's sharp-dressed writer, Joe Grossman, shows up behind Dave to confess and apologize for vomiting. ••• Nick Griffin does stand-up. ••• Judy Collins sings.

7/27/09 [3158]: A recent study found (big surprise) that women have become more beautiful as the Homo sapiens species evolved. In fact, the Statue of Liberty is now wearing a sexy outfit. ••• "Tour de France Milestones" / video: We're treated to a montage of memorable events from recent Tours.

  • 2009: Alberto Contrador wins.
  • 2005: Lance Armstrong wins his seventh consecutive Tour.
  • 2007: Sparky the Dalmatian becomes the first dog to win the Tour de France. (He's riding a little bitty bicycle with training wheels.)
••• President Obama is inviting Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley for beer at the White House to hopefully patch up their differences. Dave reminds us that George W. Bush would try to make things cool with beer at the White House. / video: It's the clip of the president doing some dancing with African natives. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has a tree house for Harry in the back yard, and the two set out to spend Friday night in it. Dave had rigged up a bucket on a rope to haul items up to the house. Well, after they got settled in they started to hear thunder. Dave wondered if they were going to recreate Benjamin Franklin's encounter with the kite. ••• desk chat: Dave's whining about an elevated temperature. He has one of those thermometers you stick in your ear. His temperature? 100.0° F. "Oh, that's nothin'," Dave mutters. ••• Via satellite from the Metrodome in Minneapolis: Mark Buehrle (assisted by Josh Fields and DeWayne Wise) presents the Top Ten Things That Went Through Mark Buehrle's Mind During His Perfect Game. ••• desk chat: Whoops! Dave's temperature has elevated to 106.1° F. Or not. It appears that an adhesive label and a felt marker may have been involved in the updated reading. ••• Eric Bana plugs The Time Traveler's Wife. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join Dave tomorrow..." ••• Dave Matthews interview ••• The Dave Matthews Band sing.

7/28/09 [3159]: Tonight's Statue of Liberty funny: She's wearing a loose house dress. It seems that everyone's obese these days. In fact, Lady Liberty is holding a book of Hamburger Helper® recipes! ••• monologue: The NFL has cleared Michael Vick to play football again, but Dave thinks they're going to keep him on a short leash. ••• Dave talks about Dick Cheney's basement dungeon yet again, and we're treated to Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee. ••• repeat from 7/22/09: Money was stolen from a landscaping business in Texas by a monkey. / video:

(voice-over): "Residents of Richardson, Texas are warned to be on the lookout for a monkey that robbed a gardening supply store."

(security cam video of the crime)

(video of a little monkey riding a doggie at a rodeo)

(voice-over): "A cash award is offered for any information that leads to the arrest of the monkey in question, or to his getaway dog. The Richardson Police Monkey Unit: Taking a bite out of crime."

••• Michael Vick could be back in the NFL. / video:
(voice-over): "NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell believes in second chances. That's why he's permitting convicted felon Michael Vick to return to professional football. The Commissioner is also pleased to announce that O. J. Simpson is returning to the Buffalo Bills. The National Football League: No rules. Just right."
••• desk chat: Dave is sick this week. His temperature this morning was 102.5° F. In the preshow visit, he visited with a gentleman who at some time or other had a temperature of 6. That's right. Six. Now, I've heard of dropping to room temperature when you kick the bucket, but 6? ••• promo for "Men & Their Vegetables II / video:
(voice-over): "Thank you, America, for making Friday's 'Men & Their Vegetables' segment on the Late Show the most-watched event in television history. It was bigger than the series finale of M*A*S*H and Super Bowl XLII, with over 127,000,000 viewers, but that was just the beginning. Now get ready for the television event of the millennium. The Late Show presents 'Men & Their Vegetables II.' Coming soon."
••• "Small Town News" ••• Katie Couric ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You'd be a fool to miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• more Katie Couric ••• Silversun Pickups sing.

7/29/09 [3160]: Everyone's on vacation. The Statue of Liberty is hitchhiking to the Hamptons. ••• Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee, after another reference to Dick Cheney's dungeon. ••• "MSNBC Swine Flu Update" / video:

(reporter): "This virus doesn't grow very well in cultures, so it's almost certain there's gonna be limited supplies."

(cough)

(reporter): "Excuse me."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's been sick this week. The staff is planning "Dave's Death Blog '09." His temperature maxed out at 102.5° F on Tuesday, and today it shot up to 103° F. Dave briefly thought the "magnetometer" must be malfunctioning, so he tried it again, bringing in an updated score of 103.2° F. All of us out here in TV Land wish Dave well in his final days. ••• desk chat: It seems that producer Justin Stangel won $100 in today's office pool, guessing a temperature of 103.2° F. ••• desk chat: Amy Adams is on tonight, and Dave has seen her movie, Julie and Julia. He's excited. Really excited. / pre-taped video:
We see Dave seated at his desk, reading a newspaper, as Executive Producer Jude Brennan approaches.

(Dave): "Hey, Jude."

(Jude): "Hi."

(Dave): "They've got a thing here. They're reupholstering slip covers. Twenty-five percent off."

(Jude): "Really?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jude): "Can you reupholster a slip cover?"

(Dave): "Yup. You've gotta send it to Costa Rica, though."

(Jude): "Costa Rica? That doesn't sound cost effective."

(Dave): "Why don't you just mind your own business?"

(Jude): "Alright."

(Dave): "Who's on the show?"

(Jude): "Amy Adams!"

(Dave, springing forward in his chair): "Ohhh... I'm very excited about that!"

(Jude): "See you later."

(Dave): "Goodbye, Jude."

(Jude): "Goodbye, Dave."

••• Amy Adams plugs Julie and Julia. ••• Tom Dreesen ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• more Tom Dreesen ••• Elbow was bumped.

7/30/09 [3161]: A recurring gag tonight will be screaming teen girls in the balcony, excited into a frenzy over the mistaken idea that Dr. Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the Board of Governors of the United States Federal Reserve, is in the audience. One can certainly forgive the young ladies' elation. This reminds us of similar behavior observed when the Beatles played in this facility 45 years ago. "Now, girls, you promised..." ••• Barack Obama had another town hall meeting in a supermarket in Virginia yesterday. / video:

(Pres. Obama, strolling back and forth in front of the meat section): "There are some people who proposed in the past Medicare for all. Umm..."

(Michael Z. McIntee on the PA): "Larry to the front register, please. Larry to the front register. Would Larry please come to the front register?"

(Pres. Obama): "...and it would have been very disruptive..."

••• To settle the nationwide uproar over the arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr., he, along with Barack Obama, Vice-President Biden and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley had beer outside the White House today. / video:
(voice-over): "Three men gather at the White House to settle their differences over a few beers. But what happens when they have a little too much to drink, and can't remember anything the next morning? From the director of Old School, Henry Louis Gates, Sergeant James Crowley, Barack Obama and Zach Galifianakis as Joe Biden: The Hangover 2. Now playing at theaters everywhere."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• out of commercial: Dave's in the audience to deliver a blueberry pie to Chad Riden's friend, Wes Human. Wes will be gnawing on pie for the remainder of tonight's episode. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he's not sick anymore. He's equipped with a nice set of cards to explain his recent troubles. Dave had tick-borne anaplasmosis, which he believes he picked up over the weekend while spending last Friday night in Harry's tree house. He recites the symptoms from a blue card, and shows action photos of blood cells being invaded by the microorganisms. ••• Top Ten list montage ••• interruption: An audience man wonders if tonight's show is a rerun. He's convinced that it is. While Dave wonders how it can be a rerun if he's in the audience witnessing the taping, we eventually see a video feed of the man at home, watching on TV. He and his female friend take a hike. ••• back to the Top Ten, which has already been opened ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the White House Beer Summit ••• Adam Sandler plugs Funny People. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is another thriller." ••• more Adam Sandler ••• Cage the Elephant sing.

7/31/09 [3162]: monologue: Dave's been having fun with visual gags, compliments of the Statue of Liberty, since May 8. Tonight Lady Liberty is missing altogether. ••• David Axelrod, White House Senior Adviser, was on CNN's State of the Union on Sunday, and his response was strange. / "David Axelrod 'Uh' " / video: It's more Late Show fun with editing, as we treated to Axelrod saying "uh" 62 times, according to my scratch marks. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Dr. Lou Aronne's 2009 book, The Skinny on Losing Weight without Being Hungry. Building Engineer George Clarke has been on Dr. Lou's program, having outstanding success with it. Here's his track record:

  • 3/09/09: 257 pounds at the start of George's weight loss quest
  • 3/23/09: 245.9 pounds
  • 3/30/09: 241.3 pounds
  • 4/20/09: 232.0 pounds
  • 5/18/09: 220.6 pounds

••• Top Ten Signs You're Staying at a Bad Resort Hotel ••• George Clarke appears in the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge," with Louis J. Aronne, M.D. In tonight's visit to the scale, George checks in at 205.9 pounds, so he's lost 51 pounds in four-plus months. Nice work, George! Dave asks if it's harder to keep the weight off in the summer, to which George replies, "I love my margaritas!" ••• Regis Philbin / outside cam to look at Broadway, which is being turned into a sidewalk, which Dave doesn't appreciate. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show. ••• Ted Alexandro does stand-up. ••• The Dave Matthews Band sing.

8/03/09: REPEAT FROM 7/09/09

8/04/09: REPEAT FROM 7/13/09

8/05/09: REPEAT FROM 6/25/09

8/06/09: REPEAT FROM 6/24/09

8/07/09: REPEAT FROM 2/11/09

8/10/09: REPEAT FROM 6/05/09

8/11/09: REPEAT FROM 6/04/09

8/12/09: REPEAT FROM 7/07/09

8/13/09: REPEAT FROM 7/15/09

8/14/09: REPEAT FROM 6/23/09

8/17/09 [3163]: monologue: It's very hot in New York today. / outside cam to 53rd St.: We see a lovely, bright yellow blob near a curb. Included in the blob area are:

  • four tires
  • an axle
  • a steering wheel
  • approximately two hub caps, and
  • Bill DeLace, as a cab driver, arms outstretched in dismay, saying, "My cab melted!"
••• monologue: Dog lover Michael Vick will be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles. Something weird happened at training camp. / video: Michael heaves a pass down the field. It ricochets off a large tree, whereupon a big, black bear falls from the tree onto a trampoline, and from there to the ground, apparently knocked silly. We have the mostest fun on the Late Show, don't we? ••• "Catching Up with Barack Obama" / video:
(voice-over): "While visiting the Grand Canyon, Barack Obama shouted 'Hello,' and heard his echo say this:

(slightly-distorted echo): "Keep your stinkin' government out of my health care! I want my America back. Go back to Washington, you hippie pinko!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Catching Up with Barack Obama.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: pedestrian hose near the CBS Store and the corner of 53rd and Broadway (with Dave on PA). / One guy takes a liking to the shower, and gets royally soaked. Dave calls for a nice, fluffy towel. ••• desk chat: Oh, boy, here we go again... It's another rant about the preshow questions. A woman who Dave calls Birdie (really named Bridey) wants to know where a person can get a nice latte (whatever that is). (Any bonehead knows you go see Taylor, the Latte Boy.) One of the staff has gone to Starbuck's® and brought back some white stuff that looks like latex paint, which Dave delivers to Bridey. ••• outside cam: a towel for the soaked pedestrian from St. Louis (where it's 88° F) ••• outside cam: Our friend Mark Odgers is on 53rd St. He's going to do a front flip off a mini trampoline, over a hot dog stand. Please stand by. ••• Top Ten Tiger Woods Excuses ••• outside cam / weather report: 91° F, 94° F heat index, 44% humidity, barometer 30.20", wind NE 5 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Mark Odgers jumps over the hot dog stand. ••• outside cam: pedestrian hose ••• Quentin Tarantino (who definitely wasn't spanked enough when he was little) plugs Inglourious Basterds. ••• outside cam: Mark Odgers has another stunt ready. He takes a jump, picks up a basketball from the hot dog stand umbrella, then dunks the thing on the way back to earth, while Bill DeLace holds traffic. ••• Act 5: shot of Mark's dunk from a camera on the backboard ••• cooking with Chef Eric Ripert of Le Bernardin / Dave talks kitty talk to a giant fish carcass on the cooking table. ••• The Robert Cray Band sing.

8/18/09 [3164]: monologue: We see a video of Michael Vick tossing a pass. The football hits some kind of furry varmint in a tree. At first it's such a tight shot that it looks like a polar bear, but on further inspection, it might be a kitty. ••• Tiger Woods lost a tournament the other day, and guess what happened. They sent him down to miniature golf. / picture of Tiger lining up a putt. ••• "Government Health Care: Myth vs. Fact" / video:

(voice-over): "Myth: Under a government plan, critical health care decisions will be made by so-called death panels. Fact: Critical health care decisions will be made by an all-star panel, including panelists Nipsey Russell, Jack Klugman and the hilarious Charles Nelson Reilly. Gene Rayburn hosts Health Care Match Game '09. Check your local listings."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave spends the next two minutes and 20 seconds praising the song, "People Are Crazy," to be performed by Billy Currington tonight. The main verse in the song is, "God is great, beer is good and people are crazy." Dave says, "When I first heard it, it reminded me of the time that I first looked at Michelangelo's 'David.' You're not going to do any better than this song right here. If I were doing country music, I would shut it down now. This song will be played on juke boxes in bars for the next 1,000 years. People will get tattoos on their bodies with the lyrics of this song. 'White Christmas' ? Not even close." Now, no one dislikes country music more than I, but I'll admit that this is an exceptional song. ••• "Memories of Woodstock" (with Late Show videotape operator Tom Catusi) / video:
(intro music): "Going Up the Country" by Canned Heat

(Tom): "I got some bad information and went to Woodstock, Vermont... stayed in a motel and picked up a chick at the 7-Eleven®. I thought she stole my watch. Joke's on me. I didn't own a watch. I still laugh about that one."

••• Via satellite (or is she in the green room?): Britney Spears presents the Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Britney Spears Were President. ••• Donald Trump plugs the upcoming Miss Universe pageant. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Diane Kruger plugs Inglourious Basterds. She's one of the world's great, natural beauties. I came to love her when she was supermodel Diane Heidkrüger. ••• Billy Currington sings, accompanied by a gospel choir.

8/19/09 [3165]: monologue: "CBS News Special Report" / video:

(graphics and important-sounding intro music)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has announced that he is retiring from the Minnesota Vikings. Once again: Brett Favre has announced that he has re-retired. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

••• monologue: "CBS News Special Report" / video:
(graphics and important-sounding intro music)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. Brett Favre has unretired to sign with the Harlem Globetrotters. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

••• A recent report is that 90% of paper money carries traces of cocaine. / picture: It's our old friend Nick Nolte, front and center on a dollar bill. It's his booking picture from 2002... a very bad hair day. ••• The powerful Magellan telescopes look back in time. / video:
(photo of a nebula)

(voice-over): "A new generation of powerful telescopes will allow astronomers to view stars and galaxies as they looked years and years ago. For instance, the giant Magellan telescope has enabled scientists to see what the universe looked like in the 1920s.

(photo, c. 1924): a galaxy wearing a top hat

(music): Al Jolson singing "Swanee"

(voice-over): "Paid for by a university."

••• Michael Vick is at the Philadelphia Eagles training camp. He's trying to prove that he cares about animals, but he's having no luck. Look what happened today. / video:
Michael heaves a pass. We hear it sailing through the air. The next thing we know, he's taken out a penguin! Poor little thing.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Neil Jason is sitting in on guitar for Will Lee tonight. ••• desk chat: A lady in the audience from Detroit reported that a female minister friend of hers dated Dave in high school. Dave informs us that many women who've dated him later joined a convent. ••• Ken Burns is on tonight, and he's put together a piece for the show in the style of his documentaries. / video:
(photo of a very old letter)

(voice-over): "My darling wife, I curse Providence for sending me to this wretched place. The morale at Letterman is desperate. Many of the staffers have deserted. Those that remain have done so out of fatigue, not out of choice. Their eyes mirror those of the walking dead. I really should have done Regis instead."

••• The Octomom will have a special on Fox soon (as in tonight). / video:
(voice-over): "This Wednesday, Fox presents an up-close look at America's most talked-about family in Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. You'll see rare home movies, shocking interviews, and don't miss the exciting conclusion, as the Octomom gives birth to a surprise celebrity guest."

(picture of Danny DeVito, accompanied by a slide whistle)

(voice-over): "Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage, Wednesday on Fox."

••• Top Ten Reasons Brett Favre Has Come Out of Retirement ••• Mike Myers plugs Inglourious Basterds. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow's Late Show is going to be a winner!" ••• Ken Burns

8/20/09 [3166]: Neil Jason is sitting in on guitar for Will Lee again tonight. ••• monologue: 90% of paper money carries traces of cocaine. / picture: We see a disturbing likeness of Mr. Andy Dick on a $1 Federal Reserve Note. ••• Swindler Bernie Madoff is supposedly a good kisser. We hope his prison wives enjoy him, so he's still in practice for when he gets out of the slammer 150 years from now. / video gag: "Kiss Bernie Madoff": Bernie's face gets closer and closer to the screen, as we hear saxophone music and a voice-over instruction: "Kiss Bernie now." ••• New York City has a raccoon problem of late, and Mayor Bloomberg held a press conference today. / video:

(CNN coverage of Mayor Bloomberg speaking): "It's controversial. That's what democracy is all about."

A cute little raccoon jumps onto the mayor's face and commences gnawing on it. There is loss of blood, and possible disfigurement.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave talked to audio boom man Al Norwood before the show. Harry's 5½ years old now, and Dave still isn't sure what he's doing. Al recommended that some day Dave should take Harry to Colombia. The drugs and crime aren't that bad. It's not that scenic. We're not certain what Al's recommendation is based upon. ••• interruption: We hear singing. Soon afterward, the screen is divided three ways. Larry King's on the left. Dave has the middle, since it's his show, for goodness sakes. Regis Philbin is on the right. Regis and Larry are singing a duet. Dave makes a funny, "It's the three oldest men on television!" ••• Caster Semenya is an 18-year-old track star from South Africa who won a big race the other day. Now, Caster's family claims that this person is a female, but most who lay eyes on this human will agree that this is the most unfeminine "female" who ever lived. This supposed female is going to have to have medical examinations to determine the gender. In fact, we have video:
(voice-over): "After an astonishing victory in the women's 800-meter race, Caster Semenya has been asked to take a gender test to prove she's not really a man. Fortunately, doctors have developed a highly-scientific procedure to verify an athlete's gender, as documented in this recent test."

(video from a doctor's office): Writer Joe Grossman, as a physician, picks up a baseball bat and smacks another male staffer right in the jewels. The poor bastard lets out a groan.

(Joe): "She's a dude."

(voice-over): "Good luck, Caster. We'll be rooting for you."

••• Top Ten Things Overheard Outside Afghanistan Polling Stations ••• on the phone: Producer Justin Stangel delivers his impression of Al Norwood. ••• Renée Kathleen Zellweger plugs My One and Only. She's one of my top five guests on the Late Show... absolutely beautiful, charming and fun, and someone who always comes with material for a great interview. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: ad for the new Late Show Military Academy ••• more Renée Zellweger, including teaming up with Dave to attack a piñata, since she's just opened a taco restaurant ••• Gary Mule Deer interview

8/21/09 [3167]: Neil Jason is sitting in on guitar for Will Lee again tonight. ••• monologue: New York City is deserted this time of the year, and so is Washington, D.C. Just look at the Lincoln Memorial. Abe is missing from his marble chair! ••• monologue: Dave does his "Dick Cheney in the dungeon" joke, Paul follows up with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and Felicia stands in for Will Lee on the blood-curdling scream. ••• Health care's a huge topic this week, which brings us to this feature, "Interactive Medical Care." / video:

(voice-over): "Welcome to 'Interactive Medical Care.' Hold body part up to your television screen now."

(high-tech sound effect)

(voice-over): "Maybe put some ice on it."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Feel better, America!"

••• Sonia Sotomayor has been confirmed for her Supreme Court position. Someone's always trying to cash in. / video ad for Metro Gavels™:
(picture of Sonia Sotomayor)

(voice-over): "Congratulations, Justice Sotomayor! Now that you're joining our nation's highest court, you need to visit Metro Gavels™. We offer Washington's finest selection of high-end gavels, with a 10% discount for Supreme Court justices, loaner gavels while your own gavel is in the shop, a fully-equipped gaveling range, plus kids love our costume mascot, Poundy. Metro Gavels™: When you care enough to hit things with the very best."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: It's time once again for the Pedestrian Hose. / Dave looks for moving targets and says, "I'm waiting for someone I don't think will sue." He waits. The audience yells, "Get 'em!" Whoops! After the session with the hose, Gaines interrupts Dave to inform him that he's just hosed down a pregnant woman. On camera, we see her turn an about face and head back toward the Ed. Dave's getting nervous. "Oh, my God, you're looking at a dead man, ladies and gentlemen." Dave calls for a replay of the hosing. He then apologizes "to that woman, and her soon-to-be-born son or daughter... and to all the pregnant women everywhere. I don't know what got into me. I'd also like to blame the audience for egging me on." Dave tells Gaines to send her a towel. ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Maine is the only state with a one-syllable name. 2. Saddam Hussein left $20,000,000 in scholarship money for college kids who dream of being dictators. 3. E-mail replaces the older - and less reliable - d-mail.] ••• interruption: Michael Z. McIntee shows up in a suit as a representative of the federal government. He's pleased to inform Dave that the "Cash for Clunkers" program has been expanded to include television shows. He presents Dave with $200 cash, saying, "I'll give you $200 for this mess." ••• [more "Fun Facts" / 4. Nine out of 10 people are uncomfortable when hearing the word seepage. 5. The Vatican has selected tardiness as the eighth deadly sin. 6. The Hippocratic Oath requires that before a physical, doctors must keep you waiting in your underpants for at least 20 minutes.] ••• This just in: The lady is seven months pregnant. She was startled, but she's OK. ••• outside cam: We see Kathy Mavrikakis (I think) shaking hands with the pregnant lady. She's getting in a cab, with Bill DeLace close at hand. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad War Movie ••• Christina Applegate ••• "Late Show of the Future" / video: It's a clip of Dave hosting the August 24, 2009 episode. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tune in Monday," plus Alan reminds us to "Watch 10 Late Shows and the 11th one is free!" ••• Patton Oswalt does stand-up. ••• Brendan Benson sings.

8/24/09 [3168]: monologue: It's hot down in Washington, D. C. A picture of Abraham Lincoln makes the point. They've moved his statue into the reflecting pool! ••• A couple of years ago, Fidel Castro looked like he was fixin' to kick the bucket. He's been back in circulation of late, and seems to be doing well. / video from a while back of Fidel tripping on a curb on falling down hard ••• The Cash for Clunkers program was so successful, the government is beginning a similar program. / video:

(voice-over): "After a wildly successful run, the Cash for Clunkers program has ended. If you missed the deadline, the White House is pleased to invite you to participate in our next economic stimulus program: Money for Monkeys."

(Cue clips and pictures of chimpanzees.)

(voice-over): "Simply visit any pet store, and turn in your old monkey to receive $4,500 toward the purchase of a new, environmentally friendly monkey. Snowboarding monkeys available while supplies last. Money for Monkeys: Sign up today."

••• For the first time since April 2, 2009, it's Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing." / video ••• Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds has done extremely well. It's #1 this week. Quentin's ready to release another movie. / video:
(voice-over): "365 days. 524 recipes. One amazing journey. Don't miss the inspiring true tale of a woman who spent an entire year cooking every recipe in Adolph Hitler's Mein Kampf. Quentin Tarantino's Julie & Adolph. Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum! Coming soon."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave claims that he'll be vacationing on Martha's Vineyard next weekend, along with President Obama. Guess what celebrity will really be there, having dinner with the president. Yes, it's Oprah Winfrey. Dave starts fantasizing about a sleepover with Oprah. Ewwww. ••• Top Ten Signs President Obama Needs a Vacation ••• Vogue editor, Anna Wintour ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join Dave tomorrow..." ••• New York Yankee first baseman Mark Teixeira ••• outside cam to 53rd St.: Dave and and Mark Teixeira take some batting practice. Michael Z. McIntee is the pitcher.

8/25/09 [3169]: monologue: It's hot in Washington, D.C., and we have a picture to prove it: Joe Biden's having a swim in the reflecting pool. ••• monologue: It's hot in South Dakota, as well. In a recent photo of Mount Rushmore, we see that all four gentlemen are wearing visors. They have white sunblock on their noses, too. ••• Barack Obama announced today that he intends to retain Ben Bernanke as chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. / interruption: Teen girls are screaming with excitement in the balcony. (x 5) ••• Quentin Tarantino has a huge hit in Inglourious Basterds. It's about American soldiers who hunt down Nazis. / video:

(voice-over): "Come on in to KFC™ for our hot, flaky and delicious Inglourious Biscuits. You'll get six mouthwatering biscuits for only $2.99. And, for a limited time, get an extra biscuit free when you bring in a Nazi scalp. Inglourious Biscuits: bursting with buttery goodness. Take it from Hitler: 'Yum! Yum! Yum! Yum!' KFC: Heil-icious!"
••• "Presidents and Talk Show Hosts: A Look Back" / video:
(voice-over): "1960. John F. Kennedy appears on the Tonight show with Jack Paar. 1977: David Frost airs his infamous interview with Richard Nixon. 1965: Johnny Carson nearly hits Lyndon Johnson in the nuts with a tomahawk."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Obamas are vacationing on Martha's Vineyard this week, and Oprah Winfrey is scheduled to have dinner with them. Dave wants to be included in the worst way. Guess what! There's a plan: Costume designer Sue Hum is going to fix Dave up with one of those white busboy jackets. ••• "CNN: The Most Trusted Name in News" / video: We join Larry King Live. Larry's interviewing the late Don Hewitt, creator of 60 Minutes, and there are ridiculous audio problems. ••• Top Ten Least Popular Things ••• Mary-Louise Parker plugs Weeds, and discusses bedbugs. ••• Eugene Levy plugs Taking Woodstock. Did you know he's going to be in another American Pie movie later this year? Awesome. ••• Jet sing.

8/26/09 [3170]: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 10 months, 4 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, 47 seconds ••• interruption: Every time Dave utters the name of Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, crazed teenage girls in the lobby scream and holler. (x 6) ••• "Get to Know Abdullah Abdullah" / video:

(voice-over): "Abdullah Abdullah is the son of Abdullah Abdullah, Sr. He runs Everything Abdullah Abdullah, a store devoted to Abdullah Abdullah insignia wear, with his sons Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah and Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah Abdullah. This has been 'Get to Know Abdullah Abdullah.' "
••• There's been a mix-up over a book that President Obama has been reading. / video:
(voice-over): "The White House wishes to address some slight confusion regarding President Obama's vacation reading list. The confusion stems from the president claiming to have read one of the books, Hot, Flat & Crowded, during last year's campaign. President Obama would like to explain, the book he is currently reading is not Hot, Flat & Crowded by Thomas Friedman, but actually High, Fat, & Crazy by Rush Limbaugh."
••• desk chat: Dave's still irritated that he's not in on the Obama/Oprah dinner this weekend on Martha's Vineyard. What's the deal? Dave's got a show. Who's gonna liven up the conversation? ••• Dave has a small part in Tarantino's #1 movie, Inglourious Basterds. / video:
(Basterds clips)

(voice-over): "From director Quentin Tarantino, comes the movie everyone is talking about. Starring Christoph Waltz, Brad Pitt and David Letterman as Hitler's irritable downstairs neighbor, Günter."

(clip of Hitler having a rant): "Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein. Nein."

We see Dave hitting on the ceiling with the end of a broomstick and hollering, "Hitler! Knock it off!"

(voice-over): "Inglourious Basterds. Now playing."

••• interruption: Uh oh. The life of the party just showed up. It's writer Joe Grossman again, shuffling onto the set behind Dave, who looks up to see why the audience is giggling.
(Dave): "On the, uh... Oh, God... Hi. It's Joe. Is it Joe? You're... you're one of the writers, right?"

(Joe): "Yes."

(Dave): "What, uh... what are you doin' here?"

(Joe): "They're taking a Late Show staff photo onstage right after the show, so I thought I'd come early and get a good spot."

(Dave): "That's right, we're doin' it... but the key phrase there, after the show. We're still doin' the show, so why don't you leave now, and come back after the show?"

••• Top Ten Questions Received by Palm Beach County Authorities About the "Muck Monster" ••• Anne Heche plugs HBO's Hung. ••• Oops. Joe Grossman's back again. Sometimes I worry that Joe isn't hooked up right. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• Care Bears on Fire sing. ••• short credits ••• After credits, Dave and Regis Philbin are havin' a chat on the marquee.

8/27/09 [3171]: Dave mentions that Sunday, August 30 will mark the 16th anniversary of the Late Show. ••• Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee. (x 2) ••• desk chat: Regis Philbin's 78th birthday was two days ago. Dave treats us to a clip of Regis supposedly sleeping on duty on Live, followed by singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." (x3) ••• The Late Show is making great use of the Ben Bernanke gag, which I believed premiered on July 30. Every time Dave utters his full name, a throng of teenage girls in the balcony scream in elation. (x 12) ••• Mr. Muammar al-Gaddafi may be coming to New Jersey next month. / video:

(voice-over): "Controversy is swirling around Muammar al-Gaddafi's planned visit to the United States, because what happens when a Libyan dictator moves to suburban Englewood, New Jersey?"

(clips from Moammar Is Movin' In, starring Moammar Khadafy, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine and Jerry Stiller as Jadallah Azzuz at-Talhi)

Seriously... has anyone in history ever had more spellings of his or her name?

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave welcomes Ronnie Spector, who is sitting in tonight. Paul invited her since she performed many songs written by Ellie Greenwich, who died yesterday. Here are some of Ellie's great hits:
  • "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"
  • "And Then He Kissed Me"
  • "Baby I Love You"
  • "Be My Baby"
  • "Chapel of Love"
  • "Da Doo Ron Ron"
  • "Do Wah Diddy Diddy"
  • "I Can Hear Music"
  • "Leader of the Pack"
••• desk chat: Dave has the latest on the Obama/Oprah dinner that's scheduled for this weekend. To add insult to injury in terms of Dave's non-invitation, he's now been informed that he's not allowed on Martha's Vineyard at all this weekend. They don't want his hijinks. ••• Dave and Mark Teixeira hit some baseballs on 53rd St. on August 24. Guess what! The people on the MLB Network saw Dave's swing, and analyzed his form. / video: Harold Reynolds and Dan Plesac deliver a lengthy study of his swing. Reynolds loves his follow-through: "He's stylin' so hard!" ••• Tomorrow night is the biggest night of the summer on the Late Show. We see a promo for "Men & Their Vegetables II" / video:
(voice-over): "Since its wildly-successful debut on the Late Show earlier this summer, "Men & Their Vegetables" fever is sweeping the nation. David Letterman. Men. Vegetables."

(Dave): "Edgar Johnson, Jr. of Shoe Heel with his 95-pound watermelon. Well, there you go."

(young male viewer): "Holy crap! That's awesome."

(voice-over): " 'Men & Their Vegetables II.' Friday."

••• Top Ten Signs You're Dealing with a Ben Bernanke Impostor ••• desk chat: Dave does his Larry King impression. "Overland Park, Kansas... go ahead..." ••• Rachael Ray ••• Andy Roddick ••• Act 5: Ronnie Spector sings. ••• outside cam to 53rd St.: Dave and Andy Roddick play some tennis. Rachael Ray is the ball girl. ••• Mutemath sing.

8/28/09 [3172]: Dave's giving a hard time to an audience guy tonight. He showed up for the big-time TV show wearing an M&Ms T-shirt. ••• monologue: It's hard times with the economy. We see a photo of Dave at his second job at the Long Island Wal-Mart. ••• Dave announces that the 16th anniversary of the Late Show is on Sunday, August 30. Why's Dave still at it? He gets a kick out of firing people! ••• interruption: There's a strange noise backstage. Dave checks with Biff, who explains that a flashlight rolled off something. ••• "Memorable Moments in Presidential Vacations" / video:

(movie trailer music)

(pictures and captions):

  • President Reagan on his ranch, 1985
  • President Ford plays golf, 1975
  • President Lincoln at Six Flags, 1864 (Abe's holding onto his top hat on the roller coaster!)
••• interruption: As we come out of the video, Gaines is at Dave's monologue spot. They're now having an on-air discussion on what segment to go with next. Gaines dashes back to her Executive Producer lecturn and gets on the phone. ••• Remember the Halloween movies? There's a new one. / video:
(voice-over): "This Friday, be sure to see Halloween II, which is actually the second Halloween II, so when you see Halloween II number two, which is the second Halloween of the Halloween franchise, too, don't think you're going to see Halloween II number one, which was part of Halloween franchise one. This is Halloween II two, the second second Halloween... not to be confused with Halloween II one, the first second Halloween. Halloween II: Not to be confused with Halloween 2." (or words to that effect)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave messes with the M&Ms guy again. He's pushing his luck. Dude will probably follow him home. ••• Dave calls on Alan Kalter for a disclaimer regarding "Men & Their Vegetables."
(Alan): "The following segment, "Men & Their Vegetables," contains graphic images of vegetables and men. While there is no explicit content, viewers are advised the last time this segment was aired by the Late Show, an audience member vomited. Viewer discretion is advised."
••• "Men & Their Vegetables" ••• Top Ten Ways the Show Has Changed Since 1993 ••• Artie Lange of the Howard Stern Show / green room cam: Artie's beautiful girlfriend ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show, with dock diving dogs." ••• Todd Barry does stand-up. ••• Imogen Heap sings.

8/31/09 [3173]: Everyone's worried about swine flu. / photo: The Statue of Liberty is wearing a paper mask. ••• Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee. (x 2) ••• Muammar Qaddafi is coming to New Jersey soon. / fun with Photoshop: The famed dictator has pitched a tent on the Late Show marquee. ••• "What Has Dick Cheney Been Up to Since He Left Office" / video:

(Mannix theme song)

(voice-over): "Hey, Qaddafi... having trouble finding a place to stay during your trip to the U. S. next month? Why not stay in New York City, as a guest of David Letterman and the Late Show? Like many maniacal tyrants before you, you'll stay in an air-conditioned tent atop the marquee on Broadway, be featured as a special musical guest on the show..."

(clip: Qaddafi playing a bango)

(voice-over): "...and Dave will even dress like a dictator."

(clip of Dave as Raul Castro)

(voice-over): "The Late Show: Wake up on the bright side!"

••• "What Dick Cheney Has Been Up to Since He Left Office" / video:
(Dick Cheney on FoxNews): "I'm a junkie..."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Secret Service supposedly wouldn't allow Dave on Martha's Vineyard last week. ••• Dave got married on March 19. He's tired of getting invited to parties. To add insult to injury, at one of these events, somebody asked Harry if he was there with his grandpa. ••• [outside cam to 53rd St.: It's the set-up for dock diving doggies, sponsored by Purina®. / pool report: 54° F water, in a pool 41 feet long, holding 19,000 gallons / weather report: 71° F, 49% humidity, barometer 30.16 (steady), wind: N 6 MPH, visibility: 10 miles / Our first contestants, from Atlanta, are Chris McLeod and Colby, a bearded collie, who jumps 19' 0".] ••• Top Ten Ways to Irritate Dick Cheney (with screams by Will Lee) ••• [Our next contestants, from Red Hook, New Jersey, are Nadja Palenzuela and Clementine, an Australian cattle dog, who jumps 22' 9".] ••• Howie Mandel plugs Deal or No Deal, and tells us all about being scared of germs. ••• bumper: The Obama "Bump fist now" gag from 11/10/08 (That's how Howie shakes hands.) ••• [The final contestants, from South Carolina, are Andy Mace and Brox, a Belgian Malinois, who wins with a jump of 28' 5".] ••• Act 5: We see Howie Mandel eating chips in the green room. (He likes to keep his hands germ-free for when he eats chips.) ••• Dave announces that Rumer Willis was bumped, and will appear tomorrow. ••• Dirty Projectors sing.

9/01/09 [3174]: monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 9 months, 29 days, 10 hours, 21 minutes, 56 seconds ••• monologue: Bernie Madoff apparently won't be needing his beach house over the next few summers. / photo: Casa de Ponzi ••• The U.S. Department of Labor takes Labor Day very seriously. / video:

(voice-over): "The Department of Labor salutes not only those individuals who go to work every day, but also people who can decide whether or not they want to work..."

(photo of Brett Favre)

(voice-over): "...people who used to work before getting caught with prostitutes..."

(photo of former governor Eliot Spitzer)

(voice-over): "...and people we're glad are no longer working."

(clip of George W. Bush)

(voice-over): "The Department of Labor: Oh, thank heaven for 7-Eleven®."

••• Paula Abdul has left American Idol. What will she do? She wants her own talk show. / video promo:
(voice-over): "This fall, don't miss the new talk show sensation, Paula. Check out Paula's debut episode, where she welcomes medical experts Dr. Drew and Dr. Oz to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with the host."

(clip of Paula, with phony voice-over): "Well... Is that what it is? I was wondering, 'What is that?' "

(voice-over): "Paula. Coming this fall."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Some believe that Chris Wallace was soft on Dick Cheney last weekend on Fox News Sunday. / video:
(Fox News clip)

(Chris Wallace): "Attorney General Holder named a prosecutor to investigate possible CIA abuses of terror detainees. What do you think of that decision?"

(Dick Cheney): "I think it's a terrible decision. President Obama made the announcement some weeks ago..."

(Dan Hill sings): "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, and I have to close my eyes and hide..."

(pink hearts onscreen)

(voice-over): "We'll be back with more of Chris Wallace's interview with Dick Cheney after this."

••• interruption: Segment Producer Brian Teta shows up with an armload of T-shirts. The Late Show has ordered 16th anniversary T-shirts for every staff member. Brian says Dave has ordered the shirts, which are based on the familiar old Late Night scroll logo. Dave takes a moment to point out that he is Dave. We're not sure that Brian ever caught on to the name of the gentleman seated at Dave's desk. ••• desk chat: Dave overheard staff members at the water cooler whining that they got T-shirts instead of diamond watches. ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Letting Muammar Qaddafi Live With You ••• desk chat: There's a note from Supervising Producer Matt Roberts: It seems that on his 40th anniversary, Qaddafi gave his staff diamond watches. ••• glass-breaking FX: Some guy hollers, "Keep on rockin' in the free world." ••• Jeremy Piven plugs Entourage, and answers about 50 questions about his mercury poisoning. ••• desk chat: Dave has a photocopied picture of an expensive watch that he wants assistant Mary Barclay to send to Jeremy Piven. ••• Rumer Willis plugs Sorority Row. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• The Black Crowes sing.

9/02/09 [3175]: The New York City subway's a weird place. / video: We see a male and female actor cautiously navigating some kind of dungeon. ••• Dick Cheney's upset about a CIA torture probe. He gave an interview, then went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster. / Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee ••• monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 9 months, 28 days, 10 hours, 18 minutes, 07 seconds ••• Bernie lived in an exclusive seaside community, Swindler's Cove ••• The government is selling all of Bernie's furniture, by the way, including his Ponzi Boy® recliner. ••• Muammar Qaddafi's coming to the United States soon. / video:

(voice-over): "Muammar Qaddafi is coming to the United States this month, but is still having trouble finding a place to stay. That's why Osama bin Laden invites the Libyan madman to stay with him in his three-bedroom condo at The Springs gated community in Dix Hills, Long Island. While staying with Osama and his lovely wife Laurie, and two daughters, Ella and Ashley, Muammar will have access to the community's tennis and golf course, swimming pool and premiere evening entertainment."

(picture of Freddy Roman)

(voice-over): "The Springs: Any friend of Osama's is a friend of ours."

••• Eliot Spitzer is going to run for governor again. / video:
(voice-over): "Eliot Spitzer was a powerful governor, a critic of fiscal mismanagement and a strong custodian of New York State, until he was caught patronizing a prostitute. Remember the good old days, when politicians got things done, kept our economy moving and slept around, all at the same time? A message from Bill Clinton."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, and Dave reveals that he has a part in Taking Woodstock. / video:
(voice-over): "From the Academy Award-winning director Ang Lee comes the incredible story behind the greatest concert ever, Taking Woodstock, starring Demetri Martin, Eugene Levy and David Letterman, as the cranky old man who lives next door."

(clip): Dave hollers out of a window at hippies.

(voice-over): "Taking Woodstock: Now playing."

••• interruption: There's a problem with the picture. The angle of the camera on Dave has dropped drastically. Dave has to put his head on his desk to be seen. From years of experience, Dave knows to check with Dave Dorsett, who's just ornery enough to be behind this mess. Dave asks Dave if everything's alright. Dave answers, "I... I need a drink," then lays down his headset and walks off the set. Dave, our host, has to deliver the Top Ten with his head almost on his desk. ••• Top Ten Dumb Guy Tips to Combat the Swine Flu ••• Jason Bateman plugs Extract. / video: Our old friends, Beavis and Butt-head, set up a clip of the film. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Dr. John Holdren, Assistant to the President for Science and Technology

9/03/09 [3176]: monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 9 months, 27 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, 09 seconds ••• Swine flu is going to be nasty. / CDC video:

(clips of sick people)

(voice-over): "To prevent the spread of swine flu, people are being advised to sneeze into their elbows. Unfortunately, this practice seems to have an unforseen consequence, as the CDC is now reporting a virulent new strain of elbow flu."

(clip of sneezing elbow): "Achoo!"

(voice-over): "The CDC. We're all gonna die."

••• America's Got Talent has announced its five acts that are finalists. / video:
(voice-over): "Last night on America's Got Talent, five amazing acts were chosen to compete in the final round. Congratulations to the three singing siblings, the five dancing sisters, the 75-year-old comedian, the singing chicken farmer, and the maniacal banjo-playing dictator. America's Got Talent: Only on ABC."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Put on your 2-D glasses now." ••• Southwest Airlines is trying something new. / video:
(clip of an orange jet taxiing)

(voice-over): "At Southwest Airlines, our unconventional, no-nonsense approach to air travel is about to get even better. For an extra $10, you can board the plane first and secure the best seats. For $20, you'll receive a rubber truncheon, to bat down fellow passengers racing through the aircraft. And for $50, we'll upgrade you from your Southwest Airlines flight to a more-pleasant trip on a Greyhound Bus. Southwest Airlines: Get the hell out of my way."

••• interruption: Dave discovers an adorable frog in his Late Show mug. (It seems that a frog turned up in someone's can of Pepsi this week, as well.) ••• Often the Late Show has produced a new episode on Labor Day. Next week the show will have a rerun on Monday. / Dave has a chin rub about last year's picnic. / video:
(Dave in his office, on the phone): "He wants to know if you have any ointment or cream."

(voice, off-camera): "No."

(Dave): "No. Ice? Yeah. OK. Alright, great. Thank you very much."

(Dave, turning to the person off-camera): "He says, uh, Advil® and we'll get some ice. Uh, but I mean, if you're gonna to be grilling... I mean... were you showin' off? What happened?"

(Joe Grossman, with grill marks across his face, and smoke coming off his face, too): "My nose hurts."

(Dave stares at the camera in amazement at Joe's intellect.)

••• Japan's first lady, Miyuki Hatoyama, claims to have been abducted by aliens. Oh, and she's been to Venus. And she knew Tom Cruise in another life. / Top Ten Signs the Japanese First Lady Is Nuts ••• interruption: Dave: "Heeeere, kitty kitty kitty." ••• back to the Top Ten list ••• video: a meowing elbow ••• Billy Crystal plugs his show, 700 Sundays. / short clip with Biff Henderson ••• Oh, dear. Alan Kalter has asked Dave for some air time, and we unfortunately have enough time for him. / Alan Kalter presents Big Red's Health Care Reform Plan. Dave cuts Alan off when he gets to Jell-O® wrestling. ••• Act 5: John Fogerty singing ••• John Fogerty sings.

9/04/09 [3177]: monologue: Everyone has swine flu. / video: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• monologue: Everyone's gone for the Labor Day weekend. / photo: The Statue of Liberty is missing from her pedestal. ••• Chris Wallace of FoxNews Sunday visited with Dick Cheney at his home in Wyoming on August 30. The altitude is about a mile high, so the air's very thin. / video:

(Chris Wallace voice-over): "At one point, the vice-president showed us the view of majestic mountains from his back yard."

(Wallace to Cheney): "Do you think the Democrats are soft on national security?"

(Cheney): coughs, then seques into gasping for dear life

(voice-over by Michael Z. McIntee): "FoxNews Sunday will be right back. Stick around!

••• The FedEx tournament was in New Jersey recently. It was played on a former toxic dump site. / video: Paul Goydos lines up for a putt. His feet begin smoking. Seconds later, Goydos 'splodes. He totally vaporizes! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse. 2. The mouth of the Statue of Liberty is three feet wide. 3. Doctors advise those with high blood pressure to avoid salty language. 4. At least twice a week, Larry King leaves home with only his suspenders. / glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!" / Dave calls the unnamed CEO of Hallmark® an unflattering name, and gets the aaoogah horn.] ••• Top Ten Signs You Wasted Your Summer ••• Neil Patrick Harris plugs How I Met Your Mother. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show. ••• Steve Mazan does stand-up. ••• Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes sing. (Do yourself a favor and don't ever buy a ticket.)

9/07/09: REPEAT FROM 7/22/09

9/08/09 [3178]: monologue: Dave advises, "Want to prevent a pandemic? You've got to sterilize your pan!" ••• monologue: Dick Cheney may run for president in the next election. What better occasion for Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee? ••• Tennis hotshot Roger Federer began the U.S. Open on Sept. 2 with a win over Simon Greul. / video: Federer's serve vaporizes Greul. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: A group of shirtless young gentlemen, each painted with a letter of the nickname Maggie, question Dave about the appearance for former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher. They have their wires crossed. She's not here. ••• Top Ten Surprises in President Barack Obama's Message to Students ••• former Prime Minister Tony Blair ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow night on PBS..." (a promo for a PBS / Worldwide Pants Incorporated production) ••• Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife. ••• (This may be the easiest episode log I've ever written.)

9/09/09 [3179]: monologue: We have a quick look at Bernie Madoff's home on the Upper East Side. It's at One Ponzi Plaza, if you'd like to stop by. ••• monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 9 months, 18 days, 10 hours, 24 minutes, 17 seconds ••• monologue: The U.S. Open is underway. Melanie Oudin, age 17, is knocking off Russian competitors right and left. (Well... until today, anyway.) Still, everyone has tennis fever. We see the Statue of Liberty, with racket, in a tennis outfit. ••• monologue: Dave must have had another preshow discussion about his wardrobe. He models his standard gray socks. ••• Some think Dick Cheney may run for president. He may be back in the White House, but only if his trusted assistant, Igor, will be with him. / Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee ••• Lots of people are watching President Obama's address this evening. / photo: Abe Lincoln's tuned in at the Memorial. He has a TV on his marble lap! ••• FoxNews didn't carry Obama's address tonight. / "Great Moments in Fox History" / video:

(clip of Franklin D. Roosevelt on March 9, 1937)

(voice-over): "Instead of airing President Roosevelt's historic address to the nation, Fox Radio chose to air the hilarious variety show, So You Think You Can Play the Spoons."

(black & white clip of a geezer playing the spoons)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Great Moments in Fox History' "

••• Yesterday was the big day when President Obama gave a lunchtime address to school kids. My, what a big stink there was. / video:
(President Obama): "I expect great things from each of you."

(FX): The president's eyes become saucers.

(eerie voice-over, with heavy reverb): "Obey the president. Obey the president." (or words to that effect)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and greetings to viewers in the Benelux countries ••• desk chat: It's the first fall visit with Coach Mike Singletary of the San Francisco 49ers (with receptionist Art Kelly). ••• Voted Most Creative Food" in Texas recently was deep-fried butter. / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Eating Fried Butter ••• It's 9/09/09 today, and we have a special message from legendary dictator Adolph Hitler. / video: "Nein! Nein! Nein!" ••• Jay-Z ••• more Mike Singletary ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• cooking hamburgers with Martha Stewart ••• George Jones sings, with Paul Shaffer on keyboards. ••• partial credits

9/10/09 [3180]: monologue: We hear about swine flu every day. / picture: Barack Obama wearing a blue paper mask as he addressed a joint session of Congress last night ••• monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 9 months, 17 days, 10 hours, 23 minutes, 14 seconds ••• The University of Wyoming has opened the Cheney International Center, and we have a picture. It's a dimly-lit dungeon with a cage door on one side, and beside the door is a skeleton, suspended by its former hands. Creepy, huh? What better occasion for Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood curdling scream by Will Lee? Oh... I just noticed that there's a second skeleton. It may be seated on a chair. ••• Congressman Charles W. Boustany Jr., M.D. (R-LA) gave the Republican response to President Obama's address to Congress and the nation last night. They stuck him in a back room. / "Republican Response to the President's Address" / video:

(Congressman Boustany, Jr.): "Our country's facing many challenges. The cost of health care's rising. Federal spending is soaring. We're piling huge debt on..."

(Wahoo Gazette editor Michael Z. McIntee fires up a vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to tidy up the carpet right in front of the Congressman.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave begins sort of a rambling discourse about the Internet. He vaguely understands e-mail, but reports that when he managed to bring up his e-mail this morning, he was greated with the offer, "Be proud of what's in your trousers." He just wanted us to know. ••• interruption: Wait. What was that? For a split second it seemed that someone had walked in front of Dave Dorsett's camera. Dave looks around the studio, and sure enough, he was right. It's none other than Leo Garvey, the ornery guy who's moved into the apartment adjacent to the theater. Leo's wearing a Roethlisberger jersey and watching some football. He wonders if one of Dave's stooges could go out and pick up some guacamole. Dave no sooner hears the word stooge than he decides to appoint Alan Kalter for the errand. ••• Congressman Joe Wilson (R-SC) shouted, "You lie" to Barack Obama during his address last night. / Top Ten South Carolina Representative Joe Wilson Excuses ••• Matt Damon plugs The Informant. ••• Act 5: We see Alan Kalter delivering guacamole to Mr. Garvey. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna / Dave has obviously read up on all the varmints that Jack brought in this time, and is upstaging him a bit in the facts and figures department. Jack seems a little annoyed. Of course, has there ever been a visit from Jack when he didn't seem annoyed? By the way, Jack brought in a young snow leopard. What a striking critter it is!

9/11/09 [3181]: monologue: It's fashion week in New York. / picture: The Statue of Liberty is wearing a sexy red dress. ••• Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was on the show this week, and other leaders have appeared in the past. / "World Leaders on the Late Show" / video:

(clip of Barack Obama on 9/10/08)

(clip of George W. Bush on 10/19/00): Top Ten Changes I'll Make in the White House

(undated clip, 'cause it never happened): Kim Jong-Il sits in with the band on guitar

••• The State of Vermont has legalized gay marriage, and Ben & Jerry's® ice cream cooked up a flavor in honor of the event. / video:
(voice-over): "Now that Vermont has legalized same-sex unions, Ben & Jerry's® has dedicated an ice cream flavor to gay marriage. But many Americans still favor traditional values, which is why Breyer's® has a new line of ice creams celebrating heterosexual marriage, featuring delicious flavors like:
  • Lifelong Resent-Mint™
  • Rocky Road Toward Divorce™
  • Extra-Whipped with Crushed Nuts™ and
  • Plain Vanilla Sex Once a Month Until You Die™.
Breyers®: the heterosexual ice cream people."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. The only movable national monument is the San Francisco cable cars. 2. A. J. Foyt celebrated an Indy 500 win by drinking a quart of gasoline. / interruption: A page is wearing one of those Buckingham Palace guard outfits. / glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!" / 3. Although the penguin and the leopard seal are natural enemies, in recent years they seem to be getting along a little better. / The page runs off the set. / 4. When porcupines mate, it hurts like a son of a bitch.] ••• Top Ten Signs You Picked a Bad College ••• Michael Douglas plugs Beyond a Reasonable Doubt. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• Leighton Meester plugs Gossip Girl. ••• Kid Cudi sing.

9/14/09: REPEAT FROM 7/30/09

9/15/09: REPEAT FROM 8/26/09

9/16/09: REPEAT FROM 9/03/09

9/17/09: REPEAT FROM 8/19/09

9/18/09: REPEAT FROM 8/20/09

9/21/09 [3182]: David Mann sitting in for Bruce Kapler on saxophone ••• The President of the United States is in the city. Security is tight at New York Harbor. The Statue of Liberty is wearing Secret Service sunglasses. ••• outside cam: The president's limousine is too long to fit in the parking space by the theater. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: In Dave's preshow visit, for quite a while there were no questions. Finally a lady from Missouri, Mary Apple, informed Dave that she's returned with her heart-shaped potato that's at least two years old. ••• desk chat: Dave applies the Seal of the President of the United States to his guest's Late Show mug. ••• President Barack Obama is Dave's only guest tonight. Thanks, Mr. President, for the easiest episode log I've ever done! (By the way, the president ended up with the heart-shaped potato.)

9/22/09 [3183]: David Mann sitting in for Bruce Kapler on saxophone ••• monologue: Dave says a naughty word and get censored with the aaoogah horn. ••• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Muammar Qaddafi (or however you want to spell it) are going to visit the United Nations. / video:

(photo of Ahmadinejad)

(voice-over): "First they will address the U. N. General Assembly." (photo of Qaddafi)

(voice-over): "Next they will meet with the Security Council to discuss nuclear nonproliferation. Then the fun begins, as Muammar and Mahmoud drop by the Rachael Ray show to make their delicious Chili-Cheese Goat Nuggets. And how does it taste, guys?"

(M & M): "Yum-o!"

(voice-over): "Only on the Rachael Ray show."

••• "Ernie Anastos: The Most Trusted Name in News" / video:
(footage from Fox 5 / WNYW-TV in New York): Ernie, for some unexplained reason, lets loose with the mother of all cuss words.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Bill Clinton has a global initiative to raise money to solve world problems. In a way, he may be more effective now than when he was in office. Dave saw something on television about him. / video:
(voice-over): "Last month Bill Clinton made a daring rescue of two women trapped in North Korea."

(photo of Clinton with Kim Jong-Il)

(voice-over): "Tonight, Clinton again travels to a virtual hell on earth..."

(photo of Clinton and his entourage, entering the Ed Sullivan Theater)

(voice-over): "...to rescue 460 people trapped in a mediocre late night talk show. Bill Clinton: Helping Those in Need."

••• Bill Clinton ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• LeBron James plugs More than a Game. ••• Dave and LeBron shoot some baskets onstage. (It's raining outside.) / LeBron: 5, Dave: 2

9/23/09 [3184]: monologue: Famous dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York to visit the United Nations. / "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Countdown Clock" (how long until he blows town): 2 days, 11 hours, 40 minutes, 31 seconds ••• monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 9 months, 4 days, 10 hours, 22 minutes, 58 seconds ••• Plaxico Burress is in the slammer for that weapon concealed in his pants. He probably wouldn't have been caught had it not discharged. / video: A tearful Terrell Owens says, "It's really unfair. He's my teammate." (sniff) "He's my quarterback." ••• Famous dictator Muammar Qaddafi lives in a tent when he travels, because he's afraid of elevators. / "Qaddafi's Fear of Elevators" / video:

(voice-over): "Due to his fear of elevators, Muammar Qaddafi travels with a tent that he can set up at ground level. He declined an offer to stay in a Libyan diplomat's apartment. And when he has to attend a meeting on the higher floors of the U.N., he always arrives via Qaddafi-pult."

(clip of Mo, airborne, crashing through a window)

••• Qaddafi rambled on and on when he addressed the U.N. General Assembly. / video:
(voice-over translation): "...say that true peace cannot be achieved until all the nations of this body are treated equally. And, as the great American Ernie Anastos once said, 'Keep givling that chicken.' Goodnight, everybody."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Bruce Kapler isn't feeling well. He hasn't been in on saxophone this week. Andy Snitzer is sitting in. Don Giller reported to alt.fan.letterman,
"Bruce Kapler missed his first LS last night (Sept. 21) since he joined the band on November 1, 1993. He'll be out tonight (Sept. 22) as well (and presumably Friday's show as well). Subbing for him was David Mann. His unbroken streak of 3,167 shows (3,136 Late Shows + 4 prime time specials + 27 guest hosted) will withstand all challengers for a very long time."
••• desk chat: Harry's going to "kindeegarten," as Dave calls it. Harry eats at the school cafeteria, and he gets to choose his lunch. And what's he taking every day? A bagel, a tomato and water. ••• glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world." ••• "New Fall Shows" ••• "Stupid Pet Tricks" /
  • Kris Scheller and Sport from Pillager, Minnesota / Sport answers a telephone.
  • Chuck Abate and Roxy from Woodland Hills, California / Roxy operates a homemade treat catapult, then catches the treat midair.
  • Heather Brook and Jesse from Litchfield Park, Arizona / Jessie gets in a suitcase on command from her dog-trainer-in-training owner.
••• desk chat: Dave's been given a blue card with some fun facts about the Pillager Indian people. ••• interruption: Dave notices that a visitor is standing near Alan Kalter. A serious-looking gentleman wearing sunglasses and a fine suit is seen by Alan, who assumes he's a Secret Service agent. Well, we all should have seen this one coming down Broadway (on foot, of course). That's no federal agent. It's the guy who beats up Alan, and he proceeds to rearrange our favorite announcer's face. (It's good to have him back with us. He hasn't beaten up Alan since July 22.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Simon Baker plugs The Mentalist. ••• Mary J. Blige sings.

9/24/09 [3185]: picture: Dave as a Wal-Mart employee ••• Muammar Qaddafi is in the city. / doctored clip of Mo playing banjo on Saturday Night Live ••• Here's a new segment: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Komedy Klassic" / video:

(clip of Ahmadinejad giving a speech)

(voice-over of interpreter): "Our nation has successfully gone through a glorious and fully-democratic election."

(clip of smiling audience members applauding the whopper their dictator has just told)

••• Dave thinks Ahmadinejad's long speech to the U.N. was pretty cool. He has a clip for us. / video: The beloved dictator holds up a white card, which he tosses toward the marble wall behind him, producing Dave's signature glass-breaking FX. ••• Alan with BSH / Alan messes up. He previews "New England" Prime Minister John Key... not "New Zealand." ••• desk chat: "Hello young people. Hey... young people." ••• ABC premiered a show called Flash Forward tonight. Dave wonders what it would be like if the Late Show could flash forward six months. / video: We see a geezer seated at Dave's desk. ••• Tyra Banks taught Larry King how to smile - or words to that effect - the other day. / video: Larry's face breaks. ••• New Zealand Prime Minister John Key presents the Top Ten Reasons You Should Visit New Zealand. ••• desk chat: both Dave and Alan were guilty tonight of saying New England when they meant to say New Zealand. ••• Craig Ferguson plugs his book, American on Purpose. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kristin Chenoweth ••• Snow Patrol sing.

9/25/09 [3186] [LATE NIGHT EPISODE #5,000 TONIGHT]:

  • 1,810 episodes of Late Night with David Letterman
  •       4 prime time specials on CBS
  • 3,186 episodes of Late Show with David Letterman, counting tonight
  • The 5,000 counts the 1/16/91 episode of Late Night that was taped, but never aired, on Day 1 of the Gulf War.

Boris Yeltsin really liked firewater. In 1995 he was running around Washington, D.C. drunk, trying to get a cab. / video reenactment: A pale, barefoot man with a big tummy, wearing a wife beater undershirt and white shorts, tries to get a cab. The reenactment was shot in New York, since there's a 212 area code painted on a passing vehicle. ••• monologue: Dave announces episode number 5,000. (Those episodes span the administrations of five presidents of the United States.) ••• video from Larry King Live: "Bill Clinton Makes Noise with His Mouth" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Well, it's happened yet again. During the preshow questions, audience member Sanjay tried to mooch some free jackets to take back to India for his pals. Dave cracks that the name of the show should be Late Show with Santa Claus. / shot of Sanjay with his fingers crossed / Dave's going to have to think about his request. ••• desk chat: Dave couldn't be happier with his situation with CBS. In fact, in observance of his 5,000th episode, the network has put up a billboard. / outside cam to Broadway: We see a 4½-story-tall ad for Leno's 10 P.M. show. (His chin is the better part of half a story long, ladies and gentlemen.) Anyway, the camera pans down to a lovely billboard from CBS that says, "Congratulations on 5000 shows Dave!" This "billboard" is 12 bricks tall! ••• desk chat: Reacting some more to Sanjay's request, Dave thinks back to the days when he gave away canned hams. He had to quit it, because the lucky recipients kept the things as trophies on their mantels, and since they weren't refrigerated, they exploded by Labor Day. ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $63,500 on Dinner with Sarah Palin ••• Bruce Willis comes out wearing a light blue garment he calls a Scanket™. He shows the colorful box it came in. It's not long before our friend Bruce puts on a ridiculous wig. Dave, hoping to save a few bucks on jackets, persuades Bruce to fork over the whole collection to Sanjay. ••• shot of Bruce's beautiful new wife, Emma Heming, in the green room ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• LL Cool J plugs NCIS: Los Angeles. ••• Noisettes sing.

9/28/09 [3187]: It's Yom Kippur. Monica Trombetta announces for Alan Kalter. ••• interruption: We hear a crunching sound. Dave looks around and inquires, "Did somebody just open a beverage over there? Are we tailgating or something?" Yes! Felicia Collins proudly holds up a 12-ounce can of pop. ••• Apparently pretty boy John Edwards has been having affairs with women all over the United States. Has anyone been over to New York Harbor today? / photo: The Statue of Liberty is knocked up! ••• New York City is being overrun by brazen, rabid, stinky skunks. Animal Control trapped one today, but it turned out to be that thing on Donald Trump's head. / photo: Donald with the familiar black and white stripes on his noggin ••• Sweden's King Gustaf addressed the United Nations General Assembly last week. / Shecky video: It's the geezer with the bolo tie, playing with that rattling gadget. I don't know if there's a name for it. (Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette says it's "the spoons.") ••• Muammar Qaddafi is scared of elevators. He's returned to Libya after his U. N. visit. How did he get back in his palace? / video: We see his ridiculous-looking palace, then we hear a blood-curdling scream. What? Oh, no! It's the Qaddafi-pult, meant to launch him through a window in the tower. Tragically, the calibration is slightly out of adjustment. Splat. Mo's corpse slides down the side of the building. ••• Michael Bearden is sitting in for Paul Shaffer. As usual, Anton Fig is in charge of the CBSO in Paul's annual absence for Yom Kippur. I expect we'll be seeing Michael again on Friday's episode! Also, Andy Snitzer is sitting in for Bruce Kapler until he's feeling better. ••• glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!" ••• desk chat: Dave met the vaguest man in America during the preshow questions. He's kind-of, sort-of from outside of Philadelphia. ••• desk chat: Harry Letterman was in a rut last week with his "kindeegarten" lunch menu of bagels and tomatoes. Finally, last Thursday, Harry reported that he switched to pasta, broccoli and water. (He passed on the tacos.) ••• Top Ten Tips for Being Cool (presented onstage by Brody Jenner) ••• Felicity Huffman plugs Desperate Housewives. ••• Dr. Mehmet Oz plugs The Oz Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• The Avett Brothers "sing."

9/29/09 [3188]: Andy Switzer is again sitting in for Bruce Kapler. ••• New York City is knee deep in skunks. Whew! / harbor cam: The Statue of Liberty is holding her nose! ••• Dave has an advance copy of Sarah Palin's memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. / photo: It's Sarah and a shirtless Todd on the cover, posed like a romance novel. ••• Captain Chesley Sullenberger has gone back to flying for U. S. Airways. / video: We see an Airbus A320 tumbling lengthwise, over and over, as we hear radio traffic which sounds strangely familiar (OK, Michael Z. McIntee) exclaiming, "Whoa! Whoaaa! Whoaaa!" ••• "Sarah Palin Memoir Roundup" / video:

(Norah O'Donnell of NBC News): "She's chosen an intriguing title for the book, Going Rogue."

(Headline News Morning Express): "Palin's adviser said that it's gonna be called Going Rogue."

(Good Morning America News): "Former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, has finished writing her memoir. It is entitled Going Rouge."

(Cue "no" buzzer.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Small Town News":
  • ad in the Freelance Star of Fredericksburg, Virginia:
    "Lawnmower. Works but does not start. $20."
  • interruption: Paul decides to annoy Dave with some spooky vocal sound effects. It's hilarious. Every time Dave thinks it's OK to speak, Paul interjects again.
  • from the Press and Sun-Bulletin of Binghampton, New York:
    "The menu will include marinated children, several salad and side dishes and soft drinks."
  • Paul Shaffer mentions my birthplace, Kansas City, Kansas.
  • Dave takes a moment to wish a happy birthday to his assistant, Mary Barclay.
  • from the Journal-Tribune of Biddeford, Maine:
    "Bob had job, Bob lost job, want Bob's job?"
  • from the Jackson County Times-Journal of Jackson, Ohio:
    "Little and Large to be married."
  • from the Ozark Senior Living Newspaper of Springfield, Missouri:
    "WANTED: Man with pontoon - who will clean house, cook, shop, do laundry, pay bills, mow and still have energy to fool around."
••• desk chat: Dave gives a big-time plug to Paul Shaffer's new book, We'll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives, which goes on sale a week from today. ••• Top Ten Sarah Palin Tips for Writing a Book ••• desk chat: Dave wonders if Sarah Palin will come on the show to plug her book. It could happen, people... maybe on the 12th of Never. ••• Kelsey Grammer plugs Hank (once Dave gets done asking him about The Big One). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You won't want to miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Alyson Hannigan plugs How I Met Your Mother. ••• Miranda Lambert sings.

9/30/09 [3189]: Andy Switzer is again sitting in for Bruce Kapler. ••• harbor cam: Fall is here. The Statue of Liberty is holding up a leaf rake instead of her torch. ••• There's a stinky skunk problem in New York City. At least one of the varmints has been trapped... or has it? / photo: Nope. It's that thing on Amy Winehouse's head. (The control room doesn't have the graphic. Dave moves on. No... wait... Gaines says we have it. Dave does the set-up again. That's better.) ••• desk chat: A lady from Vermont is in the audience. Guess what. She hasn't seen an episode of Dave in 23 years. ••• There's some controversy on the death of Hitler, who supposedly commited suicide, but may have faked his death moments after getting married. Somebody thought they had Adolph's skull, did some tests on it and decided it wasn't, but boy, it sure looks like it. / photo: Whoever's skull it is has a very familiar combover, and a cutesy little mustache. ••• The Empire State Building was to be dressed up in yellow and red lights this Wednesday night in honor of the 60th anniversary of the establishment of Communist China. / video:

(voice-over): "Mayor Bloomberg is pleased to mark the 60th anniversary of the People's Republic of China on Wednesday, by illuminating the Empire State Building in red and yellow. New York will also honor its Chinese friends Wednesday, by restricting all traffic signals to red and yellow."

(clips of car wrecks)

(voice-over): "Happy anniversary. New York City: The Uncola."

••• desk chat: Something weird happened in Dave's office this afternoon. / video: Dave smashes a couple of eggs that look like eyes that are positioned atop a stack of currency.
OK... talk about something going over my head... I had no stinking clue what this pretaped bit was about, so I grabbed the Apple iPhone™ and fired up the Shazam application. It listens to songs, and after 13 seconds has heard enough to tell you the title. The background music for the bit was Renald Francoeur singing "Somebody's Watching Me," produced by Mysto & Pizzi. Shazam told me that Geico has been using it in commercials. I guess I'm just out of it. During Late Show commercials, I'm so busy writing this episode log that I rarely look over at 'em.

••• Top Ten Things Never Before Spoken by a Hockey Player (presented onstage by New York Rangers Donald Brashear, Dan Girardi, Marian Gaborik, Brandon Dubinsky, Chris Drury, Mark Staal, Christopher Higgins, Ryan Callahan, Henrik Lundqvist and Sean Avery) ••• The New York Rangers carry in Madonna for her interview from the back of the theater. / Dave calls to order New York pizza for Madonna. ••• Dave and Madonna go over to Angelo's for pizza (and a martini for Madonna). ••• Act 5: Madonna passes out slices of pizza to fans on Broadway. ••• Harry Connick, Jr. has a brief interview. ••• Harry Connick, Jr. sings.

10/01/09 [3190]: Andy Snitzer is sitting in for Bruce Kapler. ••• Apparently Odie Colonie has moved from Bongo Congo to New York City. Talk about a skunk problem. Citizens are trying to do their part, however. / photo: A vendor on 53rd St. is offering Kung Pao Skunk. ••• Captain Chesley Sullenberger had his first flight in a while for U. S. Airways this week. / video: Sully's Airbus A320 is eaten while airborne by a very large goose. ••• "Special Message from Sarah Palin" / video:

(clips of Palin on the campaign trail)

(voice-over): "Hey, Sarah Palin fans. When you head to the bookstore to pick up Going Rogue, don't forget to also grab a copy of Todd Palin's new book, Still Sitting on My Ass. Todd Palin: Oh thank heaven for 7-Eleven®"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave surprises us all with an amazing story. Three weeks ago yesterday (September 9), Dave found a package in the back seat of his car. In it was proof that Dave, as he reports, "does terrible things." A guy is going to write a screenplay about Dave, including all the terrible stuff about Dave. He's going to put it in a movie unless Dave gives him money. Dave says, "I'm just a towering mass of Midwestern Lutheran guilt." Dave and his attorney met the guy, and he wanted $2,000,000, or he was going to produce a movie.

Dave called the Special Prosecution Bureau of the Manhattan District Attorney's Office. They said, "This is blackmail!" They got another meeting to find out if the guy was serious. Yup. He's writing a book, too. Then there was a third meeting where Dave gave him a phony check for $2,000,000.

Dave had to testify before a grand jury this morning, and early this afternoon, the extortionist was arrested.

Finally, Dave says, "I have had sex with women who work with me on this show." He opines that this would be embarrassing if made public, especially for the women! Dave doesn't plan to say much more on this topic.

••• Top Ten Things Overheard at China's Anniversary Celebration ••• Woody Harrelson plugs Zombieland. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Kim Kardashian plugs Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

10/02/09 [3191]: Andy Snitzer is in again for Bruce Kapler. An unknown guitarist is in for Will Lee. ••• Ken Burns was on the Late Show on 8/19/09. His documentary, The National Parks: America's Best Idea is running now on PBS. We learned something new in the latest installment. / video:

(voice-over): "America's national park system is paid for by the government, unlike other countries, where the animals that live in parks have to pay rent, raising money by washing visitors' cars and stealing spare change from the ash tray."
••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#38: Having your arm ripped off by a shark"

(Cue clip of a shark biting a gentleman's arm off.)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reflects on his 2002 campaign to have Interstate 465 around Indianapolis named The David Letterman Expressway, or The Dave. ••• The Wizard of Oz has been remastered and made available on DVD. / video:
(clips from the film)

(voice-over): "Experience Oz all over again with The Wizard of Oz 70th Anniversary Ultimate Collector's Edition, newly remastered in high definition, with over 16 hours of bonus content and rare deleted scenes of the Wicked Witch of the North."

(clip of the late Nipsey Russell as the Wicked Witch, wearing some sort of jet backpack): "People say a mermaid is beautiful. I don't understand the reason why. It's not enough woman to make love to, and it's too much fish to fry."

(Dorothy): "Whatever shall we do?"

(voice-over): "Buy a copy today!"

••• "Fun Facts" /
  • Ears of corn always have an even number of rows.
  • Twenty-eight percent of dental students drop out because they can't handle the drool.
  • As of 2010, any tuna fish that tests positive for mercury will be suspended for the season.
  • In 1989 the Dalai Lama won both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Daytime Nobel Peace Prize.
  • interruption: glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!"
  • Due to a typo on a memo, Frito-Lay® briefly made a monkey-flavored snack named Potato Chimps.
  • glass-breaking FX: It's Jeff Altman again as Len Easton of the CHP: "Uh, 212 Len Easton, CHP. We're involved in a high-speed chase on the 210 three miles west of Pasadena, attempting to pull over a 1988 Dodge van. Van is believed to be transporting contraband Slinkys®. Will top out at 122. Detain van, call for back-up and dogs."
••• Top Ten Signs You Have Too Much Money ••• Larry David plugs Curb Your Enthusiasm. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Catch the Late Show on Monday." ••• Olivia Wilde plugs House. ••• Tom Russell sings.

10/05/09 [3192]: video: It's Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing." We hadn't checked in with Sherman since early September. ••• Bruce Kapler is back after missing a few episodes. It's great to see him. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some additional comments on the extortion attempt he reported on Thursday. He regrets any impact it's had on those around him. ••• desk chat, part 2: Dave also takes a moment to again apologize to Sarah Palin for unspecified circumstances. ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Adopting a Monkey / Sherman Grossman sneezes again. ••• Steve Martin interview / Steve's going to perform in Carnegie Hall tomorrow night! ••• Martin Short unexpectedly drops by during Steve's interview. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Lea Michele plugs Glee. ••• Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers (banjo music) ••• full credits

10/06/09 [3193]: For a variety of reasons (which will go unspecified tonight), Dave has determined that he should have an understudy. / backstage cam: We see a gentleman who is, shall we say, of retirement age, wearing a dapper suit, ready to stand in for Dave on a moment's notice. The gentleman is completely lacking in expression. As a matter of fact, it's possible that he is no longer alive. Anyway, he's in the building and available. We'll check in with him again shortly. ••• NASA has slapped together a spacecraft called the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite. It's going to crash into the moon and dump water, so the results can be studied. The impact's set for Friday. / animation: The LCROSS satellite impacts on the moon. Three seconds later, the authorities on the moon fire a laser back to earth, pulverizing it. ••• new segment: "Rush Limbaugh: Funnier Without Audio" / video: Via www.rushlimbaugh.com, we see Mr. Limbaugh before the microphone for his radio program. The video's sped up several times. Rush's arms are flying all over the place. He looks like he's ridin' a galloping horse. It's hilarious. I have one little comment for my pals at the Late Show: There is audio, after all. The segment's played in with "Mr. Touchdown," and there's cartoon music throughout the segment. And that's what makes it funny! That's OK. I'll still tune in tomorrow. ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(video of Bear Grylls): "The only thing I can do is to drink my own pee." Mr. Grylls makes a displeased face, and proceeds to take a nice, long drink, then says, "God, there's no getting away from it..." (spits)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• George Stephanopoulos recently interviewed Alan Greenspan on This Week with George Stephanopoulos. / video: Mr. Greenspan puts George right to sleep. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Dealing with a Bad Cryonic Preservation Company ••• Paul Shaffer is interviewed about his book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. Naturally the CBSO plays Paul on with "It's Raining Men." ••• backstage cam: Paul's understudy (who's wearing sunglasses, and doesn't have much hair) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join Dave tomorrow..." ••• Eliza Dushku (rhymes with push) plugs Dollhouse. ••• KISS blow the roof off the dump.

10/07/09 [3194]: [Good lord! This may be the toughest episode log I've ever written. The writers went nuts today!] ••• They've opened a McDonald's® at the Louvre, and well, you can just about guess what's happening. / photo: The Venus de Milo statue has gotten sloppy fat! ••• Just in case Dave can no longer be with us, his understudy, Lenny, is here. / backstage cam: Lenny's still stiff as a board, and old as the hills. ••• Ted Williams is frozen, and now it's come out that his head was supposedly accidentally hit with a wrench. / video:

(photo of the book, Frozen: A True Story)

(voice-over): "According to a new book, the staff of an Arizona cryonics facility propped up the frozen head of Ted Williams on a tuna can,"

(photo of a StarKist® Tuna can)

(voice-over): "then hit the head with a wrench when the can got stuck. But it never would have happened if they'd used Bumble Bee® Tuna's Frozen Head Mounting Peg™."

(photo of a can of Bumble Bee® Tuna)

(voice-over): "Built into every can of Bumble Bee® Tuna, this handy device allows you snap any frozen head onto and off of your tuna can in a jiffy, so you never have to worry about this:"

(animation of the bespectacled, attached head being conked with a pipe wrench)

(frozen head - voice-over by Michael Z. McIntee): "Ow! Ow. Quit it! Owww!"

(voice-over): "Bumble Bee®: The frozen head tuna can people."

••• video: Kenny (name change), the understudy, backstage ••• Mel Gibson got a DUI in 2006, and recently he has had the offense expunged from his record. And today, Nick Nolte had his famous DUI mugshot from 2002 touched up. / photo: same Nick... now perfectly groomed ••• Dave makes a crack about Dick Cheney so we can enjoy a sequel of Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood curdling scream by Will Lee. ••• Nobel Prize winners are just now being announced, and Dave had never seen the actual award until today. / photo: It's a snappy-looking white mug, with "World's Greatest Scientist" silk screened on it. ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#14: Driving into a tree."

(video): A jeep drives right into a tree.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave shows Paul's new book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga, and slaps on an Oprah's Book Club sticker. ••• promo: Dave Letterman of Action News previews a story about a shampoo for cows. (Sham-moooo) ••• Dave saw a promo on TLC for My Monkey Baby. / video:
(photo): a monkey in a dress

(voice-over): "This week you met a few proud parents of adorable monkeys on TLC's My Monkey Baby. Be sure to tune in next week for the newest doting dad."

(video): Talk show host David Letterman says in baby talk, "Oh, you're such a cute little monkey! Who's a monkey? Who's a little monkey?"

(Cut to a picture of writer Joe Grossman wearing some kind of ridiculous Easter hat.)

(Joe): "I'm not a monkey."

(Mr. Letterman, with more baby talk): "Yes you are, you cute little monkey, monkey, monkey!"

(voice-over): "My Monkey Baby on TLC."

(Joe, still in the ridiculous hat, in close-up): "Be there."

••• promo: Dave Letterman of Action News previews a story about a kangaroo with the Gettysburg Address in its pouch. ••• Top Ten Signs the Head of NASA Is Nuts ••• Vince Vaughn plugs Couples Retreat. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow" and a special hello to all viewers who are allergic to pet dander ••• Carey Mulligan plugs An Education. ••• Rosanne Cash sings.

10/08/09 [3195]: harbor cam: The Statue of Liberty is holding a foam "NY #1" hand. ••• Tom DeLay is leaving Dancing with the Stars. / video:

(footage of the former Congressman dancing)

(voice-over): "After three exciting weeks, former Congressman Tom DeLay is leaving Dancing with the Stars because of the physical toll the show was taking. Doctors report that DeLay developed a stress fracture in his right foot, then a similar fracture in his left foot. Then, after doing this..."

(clip of a move that absolutely no one should ever have to witness)

(voice-over): "...his ass fell off."

(clip of an assless Tom)

(voice-over): "Get well soon, Tom!"

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#45: Walking into traffic."

(video): A pedestrian gets hit and flipped by a speeding SUV. On his way back to earth, the poor dude gets finished off by a speeding taxi headed the opposite direction.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave confesses that he has troubles with "PUSH" vs. "PULL" doors. Not only that, he has long struggled with "Kristin" vs. "Kirsten." ••• It's another visit with receptionist Art Kelly as 49ers coach Mike Singletary. ••• Mayor Michael Bloomberg presented the Top Ten Ways I'll Improve New York City on Feb. 20, 2002. / video: The mayor refers to that in a recent press conference, obviously not aware that it's famously called the "Top Ten List." He called it the "Ten Things." So, tonight, instead of a Top Ten, we'll have the Ten Things (with Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing). ••• Dave shows Paul's brand new book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• Kristin Davis tells about rescuing a 250-pound baby elephant on Bora Bora, and plugs Couples Retreat. ••• desk chat: Dave reads a blue card with facts about Bora Bora. If he'd read them on Friday night, they'd be Fun Facts. ••• "Biff Henderson's Signs It's Fall in New York" / Dave's clearly disappointed in the way the presentation is going. Biff informs Dave that he has succeeded in flipping his bitch switch. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Barry Sonnenfeld, one of my favorite guests, has another batch of fun stories for Dave.

10/09/09 [3196]: A McDonald's® has been opened in The Louvre in Paris. Without much delay, the inevitable has happened. / photo: The Mona Lisa must have been there morning, noon and night, because she's downright tubby. ••• The Learning Channel has a wonderful new program, My Monkey Baby. / video:

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching My Monkey Baby. Coming up next, stay tuned for an all-new episode of My Ostrich Baby..."

(clip of an ostrich attacking a man)

(voice-over): "...followed by My Kangaroo Baby..."

(clip of a kangaroo kicking a kid into a pond)

(voice-over): "...and My Snake Baby."

(clip of an enormous snake eating a human being)

(voice-over): "Only on TLC."

Shecky always delivers the hilarious clips, doesn't he?! ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#4: Getting hit by a truck."

(clip of man standing in the middle of a dark street)

(long honk)

(The man is squished by a truck.)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Andy Williams has been criticizing Barack Obama. / video of a response from the White House:
(voice-over): "Andy Williams has recently stated he believes that President Obama has surrounded himself with Marxists."

(photo of a smiling Andy)

(voice-over): "But what Mr. Williams fails to add is that he is the one with questionable acquaintances, as evidenced by this recently-uncovered footage of Andy with The Al Qaeda Family Singers."

(clip of the turban-headed Singers performing with Andy)

(voice-over): "A message from the White House."

••• "Fun Facts" /
  • There are 10,000,000 bricks in the Empire State Building.
  • Of all the flying dinosaurs, the pterodactyl had the best on-time arrival record.
interruption: glass-breaking FX: "Uh, 10-12 Len Easton, CHP. We're currently parked on the shoulder of the I-15, 18 miles north of Barstow. We've been pursued by a large flying object, now hovering above our squad car. Object has rotating lights, plays "Three Blind Mice" and is spinning. Also, partner Larry has fainted. Easton out." (unintelligible)
  • Since they're unable to reproduce, seedless watermelons often adopt.
••• Top Ten Signs You Won't Win a Nobel Prize ••• Jon Hamm plugs Madmen. ••• Dave checks on Felicia Collins, who wasn't feeling well earlier. ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob "B.B." Boberson) / video:
(Alan Kalter): "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

(Bob): "One night I was the unlucky soul who drew the short straw and had to be the nighthawk. You know, the one who has to stay up all night and guard the saddles. So Bill "Twelvefingers" Hickson and Emmett Dalton were gettin' some shuteye, and there I am, chewin' a stick. Next thing I know it's noon and I'm on the ground, unconscious. Come to find out, in the middle of the night desperadoes came into the camp and raised hell. Two days later, we found them east of the Lankhofers' place, and they was all dead. That's a true story."

(Johnny Dark): "I'm gay."

(Alan): "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show" and "Is it time to check on your vacuum cleaner bag?" ••• Andy Kindler does stand-up, and plugs his new DVD, I Wish I Was Bitter. ••• Brett Dennen sings. ••• full credits ••• Dave and Regis Philbin, relaxing on top of the Ed's marquee, tell stories.

10/12/09 [3197]: The Obama's are changing some of the art work in the White House. / animation: One painting had to go because it was frightening kids. It's of former vice-president Dick Cheney. His eyes are rotating steadily left to right and back. / What better occasion for Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and a blood-curdling scream by Will Lee? ••• "What You Need to Know About the H1N1 Virus" / video:

(voice-over): "How is the vaccine administered? By intranasal spray or injection. What should I do if I get the H1N1 virus? Stay home, rest and drink plenty of liquids. Is it still safe to eat pork products? Yes, but to play it safe, dip barbecued ribs in Vicks® VapoRub® before eating. This has been 'What You Need to Know About the H1N1 Virus.' "
••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#61: Getting run over by a lawnmower."

(clip of man laying flat on a lawn, getting mowed)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Dave shows Paul's book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• desk chat:
Dave wants to tell us a little story. He went to Las Vegas over the weekend for a celebrity golf tournament. (OK... that's when I first began to smell a rat.) Anyway, he's in front of a casino and a guy gets out of a car and asks Dave to borrow $100. Dave's thinking of helping him out, but first he wants to be assured that the gentleman won't walk right into a casino with the money and blow it. Dave asks that very question, and the man says, "Oh... I've got gamblin' money!" Dave informs us that this is all made up, and the joke's as old as the hills, but he thought he should tell a good story... sort of like the one he told on October 1.
••• Last week the Nobel Prize for Physics went to the men who invented the CCD chips for digital cameras. / video:
(voice-over): "The Nobel Foundation is proud to award the 2009 Nobel Prize for Physics to George E. Smith and Willard F. Boyle for inventing the charge coupled device light-capturing technology that led to today's digital cameras. We salute these groundbreaking pioneers..."

(pictures of the inventors, blurred something awful)

(voice-over): "... for their tireless efforts, and for leading the way in the digital camera revolution. Way to go! A message from the Nobel Foundation."

••• glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!" ••• Pope Benedict XVI has named several new saints. It's a diverse group. / "New Saints" / video:

(pictures of saints)

(voice-over): "French nun Jeanne Jugan, for her work helping impoverished seniors. Father Damien, for his dedication to the less fortunate..."

(infomercial video)

(voice-over): "...and Jack LaLanne, for inventing a power juicer that delivers up to 30 percent more juice than the average store model juicer. These are the new saints."

••• "CBS Affiliate of the Night" / video:
(clip): WBZ Boston animated graphic

(anchor): "And be sure to catch President Obama's appearance on the Tonight Show with David Letterman."

(FX): "wrong" buzzer

••• Top Ten Things Christopher Columbus Would Say if He Were Alive Today ••• desk chat: Dave has info on Tim McGraw's Late Show and Web site appearances this week. ••• Garry Shandling plugs the DVD set of It's Garry Shandling's Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Kaley Cuoco plugs The Big Bang Theory.

10/13/09 [3198]: Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison yesterday, so time has been added to his sentence. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 8 months, 15 days, 10 hours, 25 minutes, 01 seconds is where he stood until he acted up. Now look what's happened: 150 years, 2 months, 15 days, 10 hours, 24 minutes, 46 seconds. He's going to be retirement age before he gets out. Bernie held his own in the fight. Before he went in he had Martha Stewart as his special prison consultant. / video: prison catfight ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(voice-over): "#18: Eating an eyeball from a yak carcass."

(clip of Bear Grylls grimacing something awful as he consumes an eyeball)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• The Obamas are changing out some art in the White House. One item had to go. It's George W. Bush and Dick Cheney as the farm couple in "American Gothic." (George W. is the one in the dress.) The other piece that's caught their attention is downright creepy. It's the official portrait of Dick Cheney. / video: We see Cheney's eyes moving left to right in the painting. Naturally this leads us to another installment of Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee. Will never disappoints with this electrifying performance. ••• "Larry King Highlight of the Night" / video:
(clip of Larry King Live): "He's been litigating on this issue since the Jack-in-the-Box® E. coli (mispronounced) oatbreak E. coli oat... E. cowli... oapright..."

Thank goodness Larry wasn't trying to pronounce the bug's full name, Escherichia coli. He couldn't even come to grips with outbreak.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave plugs Paul's new book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• Just look at some of the commercials for the book. / video:
(video of Paul and the CBSO, and pics of Paul over the years)

(voice-over): "From Paul Shaffer comes a candid, hilarious and star-studded memoir of a life in show business. Journey back with Paul as he reflects on his amazing career, his memorable performances on Saturday Night Live, in films such as This Is Spinal Tap and Blues Brothers 2000, co-writing the pop classic, "It's Raining Men," lending his musical prowess to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and working for this guy."

(split-second photo of David Letterman)

(voice-over): "We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: available at fine booksellers everywhere."

••• Dave announces that Paul will do a book signing on Wednesday at 7:30 P.M. at the Barnes & Noble on Union Square, 33 E. 17th Street. ••• interruption: Something on the desk catches Dave's attention. It's a small electronic project box with a Radio Shack® red pushbutton. He can't resist pushing the button. About ten seconds later, Mr. Tom Hanks dashes onstage (all the way from Cleveland), and takes a seat in the guest chair. Dave was pushing the Tom Button. It works like a charm. ••• Dave pushes the button again. He couldn't help it. Tom's comes screaming in again, this time from the Great Lakes. ••• Sienna Miller plugs her play, After Miss Julie. My, oh my, she is beautiful. The play will run at the American Airlines Theater from October 22 to December 6. The theater's at 227 West 42nd Street. ••• Dave pokes the Tom Button again. Tom's really had it now. He confiscates the Tom Button assembly and throws it into the audience. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Aziz Ansari plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• Dead by Sunrise sing. ••• cut from tonight's broadcast: Top Ten Things Overheard During the Bernie Madoff Prison Brawl


The Tom Button

10/14/09 [3199]: Bernie Madoff is back in the news after his prison dust-up two days ago. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 8 months, 14 days, 10 hours, 23 minutes, 05 seconds ••• What was it... a couple of years ago... when Martha Stewart also was in a prison fight? It seems that someone swiped her nutmeg, and that was the last straw. We're fortunate enough to have some footage of Martha's prison fight. / video: All the felons seem to be in peach-colored mini jumpsuits, and have nicer legs than one might expect. ••• The Obamas are busy changing out some art work in the White House. The first item that needed to go was the creepy official portrait of Dick Cheney. You know... the one with his eyes constantly moving back and forth. / Yes, it's time for tonight's performance of Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee. ••• Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize last week, but he wasn't put on the World's Hottest Leaders list. / photo: Kim Jong-Il's in a swimming suit, looking quite fit. Photoshop™ strikes again! ••• Remember that publicity stunt last year, when Chesley Sullenberger landed an Airbus A320 in the Hudson River? Naturally he's written a book about it, and what better place for his book signing than right in the middle of the Hudson River? / animation: Sully's in the water, behind a floating wooden desk that's piled with books. ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(voice-over): "#22: Microwaving your head."

(clip of some idiot microwaving his head, which eventually 'splodes, by the way)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• "COOL / NOT COOL" / video: Barack Obama is seen dancing with a lovely lady. Then we see the clip of George W. Bush dancing with African natives. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights (and a special hello to all rodeo clowns watching tonight) ••• Dave shows Paul's new book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• An added bonus tonight is an excerpt from the book. / video:
(photo of the book, with violins playing in the background)

(voice-over): "Page two hundred twelve: One thing people may not know about Dave, he's just as funny off the air."

(clip of Dave and Paul in an elevator at the Ed, with Dave being weird)

(voice-over): "This has been an excerpt from Paul Shaffer's We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives."

••• desk chat: Dave does his famous elk impression. They're in rut. (I've always been amused that Dave's elk impression is just the same as his loon impression. You can hear them both, from 2005, in my Audio Archives.) ••• Top Ten Signs Your Toddler Watches Too Much Television ••• Tina Fey plugs 30 Rock. ••• Christopher "Mad Dog" Russo ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Don Rickles." ••• more Chris Russo ••• Mika sing.

10/15/09 [3200]: monologue: Someone is counterfeiting corn flakes, so Kellogg's® is tattooing each flake. Guess what! We have a photo of the original tattooed flake: Miss Amy Winehouse. ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(voice-over): "#37: Getting sucked down a kitchen sink."

(clip of some poor bastard, who's minding his own business, being grabbed by the face by a blob, which sucks him down to parts unknown)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, has been named the Hottest World Leader. / hot Photoshopped picture ••• The Obamas are busy changing some art in the White House. They had to take down a portrait that was scaring kids. / animation: It's another look at the Dick Cheney picture, with his eyes rotating back and forth. / Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee ••• Barack Obama plans to give a $250 bonus to each senior. / video:
(voice-over): "In these tough times, President Obama is pleased to offer America's seniors a $250 bonus. To receive your money,
  1. Simply go to 250bonus.gov, and print out the six-page form.
  2. Upon completion of the form, hand deliver it to Social Security headquarters in Washington, Room 740, 7th floor. Sorry... no elevator access.
  3. You'll be given a unique, 17-digit code,

    (graphic): 922LONT817403A5K4

    which you enter in the U. S. Treasury's toll-free number when you hear the prompt. Please listen carefully, as the 24 menu options have recently changed.

  4. You'll receive Form SB-250 within six to eight weeks. Complete the form.
  5. Have it countersigned by your local postmaster.
  6. Then just scan it, convert it to a .PDF file and send it as an e-mail attachment to your nearest Federal Reserve Bank.
  7. That's all there is to it.
The Obama Administration: We love to fly, and it shows!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Small Town News" /
  • From the Burlington Free Press of Burlington, Vermont: "Free leaves. Come by and rake them and haul them away."
  • From the Portola Reporter of Portola, California: "Sheriff's Blotter: In Portola, a caller reported she might call 911 later if a thief arrives at her residence."
  • From the Billings Gazette of Billings, Montana: "2512 Rimrock: 1st time offered, big house w/ mother-in-law in great location!"
  • From the Fon du Lac Reporter of Fon du Lac, Wisconsin: "A nearsighted driver repeatedly attempted to wave a 'pedestrian' across the busy intersection. The pedestrian was a decorative scarecrow."
••• desk chat: Dave recites an oyster stew recipe. ••• Pete Fatovich, as master swindler Bernie Madoff, via satellite from Butner Federal Correctional Complex in Butner, North Carolina, presents the Top Ten Bernie Madoff Observations About Prison. (Pete seems to think he's on Leno.) ••• Don Rickles tells Frank Sinatra stories, among other amusing topics. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show with Uma." ••• more Don Rickles ••• Built to Spill sing.

10/16/09 [3201]: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 8 months, 12 days, 10 hours, 23 minutes, 24 seconds ••• Apparently Levi Johnston, the Bristol Palin daddy, is going to be nekkid in Playgirl. / video:

(voice-over): "America's fascination with the Palin saga continues. Coming soon, don't miss Levi Johnston appearing nude in Playgirl."

(cover photo)

(voice-over): "And, watch for Sarah's former running mate, John McCain, in AARP's All-Nude Edition."

(cover photo)

(voice-over): "AARP: Nothing runs like a Deere."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#26: Water torture."

(clip of some poor bastard getting drowned in a bathtub)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

(Dave billed this as episode number seven, but this was number 10).

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave once again plugs Paul's book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• "Fun Facts" /
  • glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!"
  • The average person spends two years of his or her life fixing photocopier jams.
  • According to a recent poll, 0% of pollsters enjoy their jobs.
  • Of all Gladys Knight's Pips, Merald "Bubba" Knight is considered to be the Pippiest.
  • Due to quick-drying cement, Jamie Farr had to have his feet amputated outside Grauman's Chinese Theater.
  • 115 miles from Chevy Chase, Maryland is the town of Garrett Morris, Pennsylvania.
  • Until 1971, the Boy Scouts offered a merit badge for Pickpocketing.
••• Top Ten Signs You've Received a Bad Flu Shot ••• Uma Thurman plugs Motherhood. ••• "Free Flu Shot for an Audience Member" / Alan Kalter serves as emcee for this brand new segment. Pat Farmer comes onstage to administer the vaccine to a lucky audience member. What? Oh, no! Pat's equipped with a blowgun. He surveys the area, then takes aim at the chosen audience member, who is inadvertently innoculated in the pupil of his right eye. A certain amount of discomfort and blindness are experienced, as the gentleman rises from his seat with a 4" syringe protruding from his eye socket, screams something about, "My eye! My eye!" and stumbles toward the nearest exit. (Compliments to Dan Fetter, Music Coordinator and Assistant to Paul Shaffer, for his powerful portrayal of an unsuspecting audience member who just had his life ruined.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show" and "Late Show Maintenance Reminder" ••• Tim McGraw interview ••• Tim McGraw sings.

10/19/09: REPEAT FROM 10/07/09

10/20/09: REPEAT FROM 10/08/09

10/21/09: REPEAT FROM 7/15/09

10/22/09: REPEAT FROM 9/21/09

10/23/09: REPEAT FROM 7/24/09

10/26/09 [3202]: cold open: A lengthy prerecorded disclaimer is presented. / video:

(voice-over): "The Late Show, CBS, and the FCC make no warranty or representation as to the content of this program. All viewpoints and opinions expressed herein are those of the Late Show host and/or guests and are not necessarily those of the CBS Television network.

This broadcast complies with all applicable FCC regulations regarding electronic interference. For a complete explanation of broadcast standards pertaining to this program, visit fcc.gov. This program is protected by both domestic and foreign copyright laws and international copyright treaties.

By tuning in, viewer agrees to accept all risks of watching the Late Show. Viewer agrees to indemnify and hold harmless CBS, the Late Show, and the local affiliate in the event of show unavailability or cancellation. Program may not be available in all areas. Guests and other program features subject to change without notice. Read television owner's manual carefully prior to viewing program. Viewer agrees not to disassemble, decompile, or reverse-engineer any portion of the Late Show. You agree to be bound by these terms, which may be amended from time to time. By tuning in, viewer agrees to accept all risks of watching the Late Show. Viewer agrees to indemnify and hold harmless CBS, the Late Show, and the local affiliate in the event of show unavailability or cancellation. Program may not be available in all areas. Guests and other program features subject to change without notice. Read television owner's manual carefully prior to viewing program. Viewer agrees not to disassemble, decompile, or reverse-engineer any portion of the Late Show. You agree to be bound by these terms, which may be amended from time to time. By tuning in, viewer agrees to accept all risks of watching the Late Show. Viewer agrees to indemnify and hold harmless CBS, the Late Show, and the local affiliate in the event of show unavailability or cancellation. Program may not be available in all areas. Guests and other program features subject to change without notice. Read television owner's manual carefully prior to viewing program. Viewer agrees not to disassemble, decompile, or reverse-engineer any portion of the Late Show. You agree to be bound by these terms, which may be amended from time to time. By tuning in, viewer agrees to accept all risks of watching the Late Show. Viewer agrees to indemnify and hold harmless CBS, the Late Show, and the local affiliate in the event of show unavailability or cancellation. Program may not be available in all areas. Guests and other program features subject to change without notice. Read television owner's manual carefully prior to viewing program. Viewer agrees not to disassemble, decompile, or reverse-engineer any portion of the Late Show. You agree to be bound by these terms, which may be amended from time to time. By tuning in, viewer agrees to accept all risks of watching the Late Show. Viewer agrees to indemnify and hold harmless CBS, the Late Show, and the local affiliate in the event of show unavailability or cancellation. Program may not be available in all areas. Guests and other program features subject to change without notice. Read television owner's manual carefully prior to viewing program. Viewer agrees not to disassemble, decompile, or reverse-engineer any portion of the Late Show. You agree to be bound by these terms, which may be amended from time to time."

"Enjoy the show!"
••• The Yankees are in the World Series. Some said Alex Rodriguez couldn't get it done in the postseason. Others are saying that the reason Alex is playing so well now is a new romance. / video:
(cue Late Show porno music)

(clip of a shirtless Biff Henderson applying an unknown substance to the shoulders of a shirtless A-Rod, from "Biff at Spring Training" on 3/31/08)

••• Ivanka Trump got married on Sunday to Jared Kushner. Naturally, being the son-in-law of Donald Trump carries some pressure. / video from The Apprentice: Donald fires a young male apprentice. ••• A Northwest Airlines Airbus A320 flew 150 miles past its Minneapolis destination on October 21. / video from the airline:
(voice-over): "Northwest redefines luxury with our cozy cockpit."

(picture of a pilot wrapped in a Slanket®)

(voice-over): "Our pilots' seats fully recline, giving you the ultimate in comfort. We'll also provide you with a complimentary iPod, to help you drown out pesky warnings from air traffic controllers."

(picture of a wild party or orgy or something)

(voice-over): "And, as always on Northwest Airlines, pilots drink free! Northwest Airlines: When you don't absolutely have to be there."

••• There are some structural problems at the new Yankee Stadium. / video from a Los Angeles-Yankees game: Pitcher Mark Teixeira falls into the earth through a hole in the mound. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Paul's new book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• desk chat: Harry was in preschool for three years. Now he's in kindeegarten, and he's having some after-school activities. One is magic. ••• Dave does one of Harry's tricks, making a quarter disappear (until he picks it back up from the carpet). ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#82: Getting chopped up by helicoper blades."

(clip of a whole bunch of unlucky fools getting minced up by an out-of-control chopper)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• desk chat: Dave claims the Late Show is trying to get Sarah Palin on. Barbara Gaines says no. ••• Top Ten Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses ••• Charles Barkley ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Cheryl Hines plugs Serious Moonlight. ••• Harper Simon (Paul's kid) sings.

10/27/09 [3203]: monologue: Dave gives cue card technician extraordinaire Tony Mendez a good-natured hard time after he accidentally covers part of a joke with his hand. ••• monologue: Fidel Castro's sister, Juanita, was recruited by the CIA for help in bringing down his brother, she reveals in her memoir, Fidel y Raul, mis hermanos: La historia secreta. (same with Hitler's sister, Darlene, by the way) / photo of Juanita Castro: Yes, that's right. It's a Photoshopped photo of a bearded Fidel, with a blonde wig and a sparkly dress. / We all have a good laugh at Dave's expense, as he gets mixed up and says sistro when he meant to say sister. ••• By the way, some think Juanita waxed the floor just before this happened. / video: Shecky's clip of Fidel missing a step off a curb, and falling flat on his face. ••• A Northwest Airlines Airbus A320 flew 150 miles past its Minneapolis destination on October 21. / commercial from the airline:

(voice-over): "Northwest Airlines is proud to introduce our new Anywhere Plan™. For just $100, you'll get a one-way ticket to wherever our pilots happen to wake up."

(photo of a tropical beach, with crystal blue waters under a partly-cloudy blue sky)

(voice-over): "Who knows? Maybe it'll be Hawaii! Northwest Airlines: When you don't absolutely have to be there."

••• The World Series begins tomorrow, with the Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Yankees. Kate Hudson has been A-Rod's good luck charm all season. / video:
(clip of A-Rod at bat, getting a line drive)

(clip of Kate in the stands, vaporizing a Los Angeles fielder with her laser eyes)

(A-Rod scores!)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Harry J. Letterman got his swine flu shot today. Dave was a bit apprehensive, as Harry wouldn't stop oinking on the way home. ••• desk chat: The Late Show staff is trying hard to get Sarah Palin on the show. Talent Coordinator Mike Buczkiewicz has been e-mailing Palin's publishing people every day. They're not even answering. ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#50: Getting your head crushed in a vise." (misspelled vice by the show)

(clip of some poor dude getting his head crushed in a vise)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Ghost Movie ••• Courteney Cox plugs Cougartown. / Pat Farmer and an assistant place the Bill Cosby extension ladder against the balcony, and Dave ascends to the CBS guest seats on row one to deliver a lovely bouquet of roses to Courteney's mother, who recently had her 75th birthday. ••• Dave's Comedy Store friend, Bill Knoedelseder, is interviewed about his new book, I'm Dying Up Here: Heartbreak and High Times in Stand-up Comedy's Golden Era. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Florence and the Machine sing.

10/28/09 [3204]: monologue: The Phillies began the World Series with the Yankees today. / photo: The Phillie Phanatic is wearing an H1N1 mask. ••• monologue: The Northwest Airlines pilots who missed Minneapolis on October 21 lost their FAA licenses this week. One's driving a New York City cab now. / video: We see an unknown clip of a yellow cab terrorizing the streets, making the Dukes of Hazzard look like little old ladies. ••• Northwest Airlines has a new commercial. / video:

(clip of an airborne Northwest Airlines jet, crusing above the clouds)

(voice-over): "Now, every time you're on a Northwest flight and our pilots pass out, you'll earn Sleep Miles. Accumulate 50,000 Sleep Miles, and we'll let you fly the plane! Northwest Airlines: When you don't absolutely have to be there."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#29: Decompressing improperly in a hyperbaric chamber."

(clip of a gentleman trapped in a hyperbaric chamber, as his enemies cut a hose and he experiences rapid decompression)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Paul's book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• desk chat: Dave claims that the Late Show is trying to book Sarah Palin. Talent Coordinator Mike Buczkiewicz has been contacting Palin's publishing people, Harper-Collins, every day. Tina Andreadis of Harper-Collins says they're still considering the offer, and will keep us posted. ••• interruption: Barbara Gaines announces that Mayor Michael Bloomberg is on the phone, with a special message for the Phillies. / audio:
(Dave): "Hello, Mayor Bloomberg. Thanks for calling!"

(Mayor Bloomberg... OK... not really): "OK, Arizona, you've had your fun. Now we're coming to Phoenix to get our World Series trophy."

(Dave): "OK. Now, actually, Mr. Mayor, the Yankees are playing against the Philadelphia Phillies. They're not in Arizona playing the Diamondbacks. No one's going to Phoenix. OK?

(Mayor Bloomberg... OK... not really): hangs up

••• Top Ten Questions on the Northwest Airlines Pilot Job Application ••• Patrick Dempsey (Dr. McDreamy) plugs Grey's Anatomy. / wacky black & white bogus hospital clip ••• interruption: Tony Mendez is wearing a catcher's mask (and a cup, too, if you must know). ••• Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us again tomorrow..." and "Hello to all viewers watching from their Y2K bunkers." ••• more Bud Selig ••• Sting sings.

10/29/09 [3205]: monologue: Dave worries about bobbing for apples as a sure way to get swine flu. Dick Cheney prefers to call it appleboarding. / Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee ••• The Yankees and Phillies are beginning the World Series. Wind was a big problem last night. / video: The Yankees' CC Sabathia is on the mound. The Phillies' Shane Victorino is at bat. We hear a violent wind and in a flash, Victorino is blown plumb out of the stadium! ••• A Northwest Airlines flight overshot Minneapolis on October 21 when the pilots were asleep or whatever. The airline is trying to rebuild their image. / video:

(clip of an airborne Northwest Airlines jet, crusing above the clouds)

(voice-over): "Northwest Airlines wants to regain your trust. That's why we've introduced the Passenger Bill of Rights. Number 1: If our napping pilots overshoot your airport by 300 miles, we'll pay for your connecting flight... no questions asked. Number 2: When our pilots are snoring, we'll provide you with complimentary headphones. And, most importantly, our pilots have agreed to switch to light beer while the plane is in flight. Northwest Airlines: When you don't absolutely have to be there."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave continues to campaign to book Sarah Palin for the Late Show. Tonight he shows a large bowl of moose jerky... sure to lure in the former governor. ••• Chad Ochocinco presents the Top Ten Revelations in Chad Ochocinco's Autobiography. ••• after commercial: Audience members are enjoying moose jerky. ••• Tom Hanks ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• more Tom Hanks ••• Weezer sing.

10/30/09 [3206]: monologue: We have another look at the creepy Dick Cheney portrait, with the eyes that move. / Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee ••• interruption: Tony Mendez gets some static from Dave for standing on a bunch of cue cards. Dave says Tony is The Human Paperweight. ••• from 10/13/09: "Larry King Highlight of the Night" / video:

(clip of Larry King Live): "He's been litigating on this issue since the Jack-in-the-Box® E. coli (mispronounced) oatbreak E. coli oat... E. cowli... oapright..."

Thank goodness Larry wasn't trying to pronounce the bug's full name, Escherichia coli. He couldn't even come to grips with outbreak.

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#68: Getting broadsided by an ambulance."

(clip of a pistol-packing man getting broadsided by an ambulance as he stands in a street)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "New Halloween Costumes" / It's a fairly large group of kids this year. We see Balloon Boy, several ruthless dictators and the best one: Joaquin Phoenix. ••• Top Ten Signs You're at a Lame Halloween Party ••• Regis Philbin ••• Act 5: the Halloween Costume kids at the annual pizza party ••• more Regis Philbin / In commemoration of the passing of Soupy Sales on October 22, Dave and Regis hit each other with some cream pies. ••• Weezer with the CBSO (The Weezer dudes and the CBSO musicians are all wearing blue Weezer Snuggies™.) ••• Brian Regan was bumped.

11/02/09 [3207]: monologue: It's the creepy Dick Cheney portrait again... the one with the eyes that move. / Paul Shaffer with Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee (who really delivered tonight) ••• new segment: "A Message from Rush Limbaugh" / video:

(cue peppy intro music)

(Mr. Limbaugh): "I'm a / pompous / astronomically high / windbag..." (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave found a stray doggie over the weekend. The dog had one of those ID chips, which a vet found to be blank. They fed the dog a hot dog and some roast beef. Apparently the critter is a Chihuahua, and its name is Hugo Chavez. ••• 2009 New York City Marathon winner Meb Keflezighi presents the Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through Your Mind When Running the New York City Marathon. ••• Julia Louis-Dreyfus plugs The New Adventures of Old Christine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us again tomorrow..." and "Temperature Savings Time begins tonight." ••• Guy Fieri ••• Carrie Underwood sings. ••• with short credits: a photo of Harry Letterman with Hugo Chavez


Harry and Hugo

11/03/09 [3208]: NASA plans to irradiate monkeys to study the effects of long-term space travel, such as Mars missions, but undesirable things could happen. / video: It's one of Shecky's clips of Governor Schwarzenegger (from his early actor years, seemingly enjoying a reefer). ••• 60 Minutes did a report on the availability of H1N1 flu vaccine on Sunday. / video:

(voice-over): "These are the first pictures of H1N1 vaccine being produced in a sprawling, $250,000,000 facility in Swiftwater, Pennsylvania."

(production line clips)

(clip of a forklift backing into a huge shelving assembly, causing a disastrous collapse of the entire facility)

(voice-over): "This is H1N1 vaccine, stacked high and on its way out of the Sanofi Pasteur plant. Production is accelerated, but that doesn't mean that vaccine is getting to patients quickly."

(clip): the 60 Minutes stopwatch

••• The World Series is coming back to New York City. / "Get to Know the Phillie Phanatic" / video:
(voice-over): "The Phillie Phanatic debuted on April 25th, 1978. In 2005, he was inducted into the mascot hall of fame. And, on June 29th, 2009, the Phillie Phanatic was convicted of running a multimillion-dollar Ponzi scheme, which wiped out the life savings of hundreds of civilians. The Phanatic is currently being held at the Federal Correctional Complex in Butner, North Carolina, and will likely die in prison. This has been 'Get to Know the Phillie Phanatic.' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• out of commercial: Dave's at the back of the audience to make a delivery to Duane from Saskatoon. Dave has an empty envelope marked for World Series tickets, and a couple of game seven tickets in his coat pocket. Good luck on needing them, Duane. ••• desk chat: Dave wishes happy sixth birthday to Harry J. Letterman. He was about 9 pounds, 13 ounces, and about 22 inches. We see the first picture taken of Harry that night, and then a picture taken of him on Sunday with his new doggie, Hugo Chavez. ••• Michael Bublé presents (sings) the Top Ten Least Popular Musical Standards (songs). ••• Al Gore visits with Dave about the climate. ••• Brad Paisley sings.

11/04/09 [3209]: Chris Christie was elected yesterday as governor of New Jersey. / photo: He looks like a guy from New Jersey. ••• NASA has been irradiating monkeys to study the effect of cosmic rays on long-term space travelers. There are already side effects. / "A Monkey Sneezing" (with Sherman Grossman) ••• John McCain's people had to use flash cards to help Sarah Palin learn the issues. Dave wonders aloud, "What kind of a dope needs cards?" / Cut to Tony Mendez, holding a cue card that reads, "What kind of dope needs cards?" ••• Chris Christie defeated Jon Corzine in the race for governor of New Jersey. Here's an odd announcement. / video:

(voice-over): "In a heated Election Day contest, Chris Christie defeated Jon Corzine to become the next governor of New Jersey. And do you know what that means, New Jersey?"

(video of the tubby governor-elect in a giant red Rutgers shirt)

(voice-over): "Since Chris Christie is so fat, your state now has a hilarious comedy reference for the first time since the gay guy. Way to go! A message from your friends at the Late Show."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#77: Getting impaled by a pipe."

(clip of an inattentive driver causing a head-on car wreck, resulting in a long pipe impaling the noggin of her passenger)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Chihuahua that the Letterman family found on Sunday has been reunited with its original owner. The doggie's real name is Oliver, not Hugo Chavez. ••• "Facts About the Health Care Bill" / video:
(voice-over): "The 1,990-page health care bill currently before Congress includes coverage for anyone injured while attempting to lift or carry the health care bill."

(clip of a well-dressed gentleman writhing in agony on a floor): "Holy crap. My back!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Facts About the Health Care Bill.' "

••• interruption: Joe Grossman shows up in front of the backdrop.
(Dave): "Hi. Can I help you?"

(Joe): "You guys got the Yankee game on in here?"

(Dave): "No," Dave giggles, we're in the middle of show. Sorry."

(Joe): "Oh. Are you Letterman?"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Joe): "I heard you got a dog. I made a sweater," Joe says as he shows a tiny black sweater with a dog bone embroidered on it.

(Dave): "Thank you, but we were able to get the dog back to its proper owner, and frankly, I wouldn't want to be seen with a dog who was wearing that sweater."

(Joe): "He's probably not thrilled about being seen with you."

Dave boots Joe.

••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Paying $24,900 for a World Series Ticket ••• Dave shows a Chihuahua bag that the staff got for him. ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up while sitting down. Then Dr. Cosby sits down with Dave at the desk. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Alan Kalter has a public health message. Freddy Flu Bug, who's supposed to be sitting on his shoulder via special effects, is nowhere to be found. Alan throws his usual tantrum. ••• Ryan Bingham sings.

11/05/09 [3210]: The Yankees won the World Series yesterday, and everyone in New York is celebrating. / photo: The Statue of Liberty didn't show up for work today. ••• "World Series News Recap" / Various anchors report the 27th World Series win by the Yankees, each one very originally calling it "27th Heaven." One reporter reports 26 wins, and receives the Late Show no buzzer. ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(voice-over): "#51: Getting mauled by a giant rabbit."

(clip of giant rabbit mauling someone)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Biff Henderson comes out to set up "Biff at the World Series." We visit with, see or harass Joe Buck, unknown fans, Tim McCarver / Cheesesteak Break / Rudy Giuliani, Ryan Howard, Scott Clark, Tommy Lasorda, Joe Girardi / Pizza Break / Damaso Blanco / Champagne Break / Johnny Damon, Phil Coke, Jose Molina, A. J. Burnett, Nick Swisher, CC Sabathia, Hideki Matsui, Mariano Rivera, Derek Jeter and Mark Teixeira.) ••• Derek Jeter, Andy Pettitte and Jorge Posada of the 2009 World Series champion New York Yankees (interview) / Hideki Matsui later brings out the World Series trophy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us again tomorrow..." ••• Bill Maher ••• Keith Urban sings. (He's a country music singer. How come he's not named Keith Rural?)

11/06/09 [3211]: There are rats everywhere in New York City. Just look at the Statue of Liberty. She's raising her stola. ••• interruption:

Dave asks, "Why did you kick him, Tony? I just saw that. You just kicked the stage manager. Why did you kick Frank (Comito)? I just saw that."

Tony explains, "He wasn't paying attention."

Dave says, "Oh, yeah, like you were payin' attention. Like you are Mr. Plugged In."

Eventually Dave moseys over to Tony and kicks him.

••• We're still cracking jokes about the incident with the Northwest Airlines Airbus A320 flying 150 miles past its Minneapolis destination on October 21. Northwest Airlines has more damage control. / video:
(clip of a Northwest jet in flight)

(voice-over): "Northwest Airlines sincerely apologizes for the regretable incident involving our distracted pilots who overshot their destination. From now on, should you, the passenger, ever feel uncomfortable on a Northwest Flight, you can eject at any time."

(clip of a passenger parachuting to his death, with a scream of terror that goes something like, "Yeeeeoooooowwwwwwww.")

(voice-over): "Northwest Airlines: Now you're flying smart."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#14: Driving into a tree."

(video): A jeep drives right into a tree.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

(This was a repeat of the October 7 episode of "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.")

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: As we've heard a number of times recently, Dave's having problems with the preshow question and answer period. Today he got the idea to establish a category for the questions. Unfortunately, the audience members Dave called on couldn't seem to figure out which person he meant. ••• "Fun Facts" /
  • The seven rays on the Statue of Liberty's crown represent the seven continents. Paul impresses us all by naming them. (Not the rays, silly... the continents.)
  • The Twinkie™ was introduced in the 1930s.
  • There are twice as many bicycles as cars in the Netherlands.
  • glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!"
  • Environmentalists believe the best way to stop deforestation would be for Stephen King to stop writing books.
  • If it looks like a duck and swims like a duck, it's probably a duck, but it could be a small goose.
  • LASER is an acronym for L something, A something, S something, E something, R something.
    (Of course, we all know that it stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation.)
••• desk chat: Dave has more on his troubles with the preshow questions. Bill Scheft thinks the lady responding to the New York Marathon question category thought Dave meant having a sandwich the day before the marathon. ••• Ricky Gervais (who was at Carnegie Hall last night) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show, with guest Bill Murray." ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• Country Music Week ends with Ralph Stanley and the Clinch Mountain Boys.

11/09/09 [3212]: monologue: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 7 months, 15 days, 10 hours, 21 minutes, 18 seconds ••• There's a rumor that beloved dictator Kim Jong-Il is ill. / video: Kim's FXd into a dance/exercise video for old ladies, and he's keeping up just fine. What a relief! Now back to our regular programming. ••• Elizabeth Lambert, University of New Mexico women's soccer player, has been suspended indefinitely after engaging in rough play, including dropping a BYU player backward to the ground by yanking her pony tail -- in the Lobos' 1-0 loss to BYU in the Mountain West Conference semifinals. / video:

(clips of the nasty Lambert punching, tackling and hair-pulling "her" opponent)

(voice-over): "This display of rough action and hair pulling has called sports fans across the nation to stand up and say, 'Hey, maybe I need to start watching women's soccer.' Women's soccer: Oh, yeah!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about an imaginary Ford vehicle, the Wazoo. It has no gas cap, so when you fill up, your hands don't smell like gas. Well, our friend Dave, who has his own racing company, likes gas. ••• desk chat: It was Harry's sixth birthday on November 3. The family had recently visited the Norwalk Aquarium in Norwalk, Connecticut, where Harry became interested in toads, and that's what he wanted for his birthday. Harry got a great big aquarium for his birthday. Unfortunately, the toads burrowed under a thing. As Dave reports, "It's just exactly like not having toads." The critters haven't been spotted in a week. When Dave suggests to Harry that the toads checked into a hotel, Harry admonished him, "Don't make jokes about my pets." ••• desk chat: Tomorrow night, Paul will be at the 92nd Street Y promoting his book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. Glenn Close will be interviewing him! ••• roof cam (for something spectacular and pointless): Pat Farmer's up there with Wes, Pete, Les and Eddie... and 250 rotten pumpkins (750 pounds). They're ready for delivery to the sidewalk beside 53rd Street. ••• Top Ten Surprises in the Health Care Bill / interruption: another look at the nasty, hair-pulling UNM soccer player / more TTL ••• [Weather Report: 64° F, 54% humidity, barometer 30.34" (steady), wind SW at 9 MPH and visibility: 8 miles] ••• It's time to drop the pumpkins on the 53rd Street side of the theater. Splat! (well, except for one of 'em) / replays ••• Our old friend, Bill Murray, plugs Fantastic Mr. Fox. It's fall, and he misses the smell of burning leaves, by the way. Moments later, a large supply of dry leaves drops on the desk and platform. The Late Show's prepared for every contingency. Bill and Dave step over to the electric leaf blower dispenser, pick up two units and tidy up the area. (Perhaps rearranging would be a better description than tidying up.) ••• Act 5: pumpkin drop replays from various cameras ••• more Bill Murray ••• Gabourey "Gabby" Sidike plugs Precious.

11/10/09 [3213]: The C.I.A. has a way to take care of Osama bin Laden. Dave calls for the clip run last night of Elizabeth Lambert, suspended University of New Mexico Lobos soccer player, pulling hair in a match with Brigham Young. She needs a Lobotomy, I think. / video (x2) ••• It's the 20th anniversary (this week, anyway) of the fall of the Berlin Wall. Mikhail Gorbachev's inspired by the memory of this, and today he's gone to work on the Great Wall of China. / Photoshop Special: Mikhail's in overalls and holding a sledge hammer, ready to tear up some wall. ••• soccer hair pulling (x1) ••• Bernie Madoff's stuff is being auctioned off (including his "Schwinndle" bicycle). / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 7 months, 14 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes, 08 seconds ••• Donald Trump is selling his private jet. / photo: We see a heavy jet with a big mop of hair over the cockpit. ••• Today's the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. / "Memorable Moments in Sesame Street History" / video:

(peppy music)

(voice-over): "February 21st, 1977: Viewers are shocked and horrified after the chef in the Sesame Street cafeteria accidentally uses Kermit as an oven mitt. This has been 'Memorable Moments in Sesame Street History.' "

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#22: Microwaving your head."

(video): clip of some idiot microwaving his head, which eventually 'splodes, by the way

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

(This was a repeat of the October 14 episode of "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.")

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave makes his way into the audience to present dinner for two at "21" to Jill Pugh and her husband, on their 44th anniversary. Jill also cashes in on an autograph while Dave's in the neighborhood. Back at the desk, Dave observes that Jill could have killed her husband on their honeymoon, and she'd have been out of jail 20 years ago! ••• Neil Jason is sitting in on guitar for Will Lee tonight. The Fab Faux must have a gig. ••• Remember Y2K? The new movie, 2012, is about the end of the world, as predicted by the Mayans. There are some misunderstandings. / "A Message from the Mayan People" / video:
(voice-over): "According to a forthcoming disaster movie, the Mayan calendar predicts the world will end in the year 2012. We here in the Mayan community wish to clarify that while we do believe the world will end in 2012, it won't be because of floods, earthquakes and meteors, but rather because of this."

(picture of a smiling Sarah Palin, with "PALIN 2012" under the photo)

(voice-over): "A message from the Mayan people."

••• Ten United States Marines take the stage to present the Top Ten Ways the Marines Are Celebrating Their 234th Anniversary. The presenters are:
  • Staff Sergeant Justino Vasquez
  • Sergeant Jin Lee
  • Sergeant Alana Pereira
  • Staff Sergeant Jonathan Garcia
  • Gunnery Sergeant Soukhi Forbes
  • Sergeant Helen Cardenas
  • Staff Sergeant Crystal Taylor
  • Sergeant Wesley Alexander
  • Sergeant Leandros Rubio
  • 2nd Lieutenant Kenneth Johnson
(I'm back in here a day later to tweak my spellings of the presenters' names, shamelessly copying Mike McIntee's homework.) ••• Jungle Jack Hanna ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Go green. Print out the Late Show only when necessary." ••• Shakira sings. ••• Shakira interview

11/11/09 [3214]: monologue: Dave repeats his desk chat story from October 27: Harry got his H1N1 vaccine today, and on the way home he wouldn't stop oinking! ••• monologue: Donald Trump is selling his private jet. The famous billionaire supposedly needs more money for bodyguards, because he's afraid that this might happen. / (Cue the clip of Elizabeth Lambert, suspended University of New Mexico Lobos soccer player, pulling hair in a match with Brigham Young.) ••• monologue: Dave got started on this with his impression of Harry Letterman the other day, when Hugo Chavez, their stray chihuahua for a weekend, was found. It's basically just Dave's voice, a couple of octaves higher. Anyway, now Dave's amusing himself with Balloon Boy impressions, utilizing the same impression. It's a quality performance. ••• "Amy Winehouse Takes the Train Home" / video: (It's a drunk person falling on subway tracks, with wacky cartoon music in the background.) ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(voice-over): "#57: Using a malfunctioning automatic hand dryer."

(video): An unsuspecting civilian tries to use a public restroom hand dryer, which somehow engulfs the gentleman in a huge ball of flame.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

(This is the best installment so far!)

••• desk chat: The drama with preshow audience questions continues, and Dave feels he's being used. Tonight it was a lady's birthday. Dave's feeling generous tonight. (After all, he's stomping Conan in the ratings!) For her first shipment of presents, Eddie Brill will deliver the following:
  • Paul Shaffer's book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga,
  • Andre Agassi's book, Open,
  • Norah Jones' latest CD, The Fall,
  • the Late Show Fun Facts book,
  • a double-eraser Late Show pencil, and
  • a stack of paper towels.
From the Beatles' "White Album," the CBSO plays "Birthday," as Eddie runs back and forth with the deliveries. ••• It's a very special Sweeps Month Top Ten tonight. Dave says that for the first time ever, the Top Ten has no topic. It's just a random assortment of hilarious one-liners: no category... no sense... no laughs. In case there's any confusion, the title of the list is Top Ten.** ••• Kate Walsh plugs Private Practice. ••• Andrew Agassi plugs his book, Open. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show. ••• Norah Jones sings.

** Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette had his doubts about the Top Ten, and sure enough, he discovered he was right. There was one other no-topic TTL. Going back in my own complete episode logs (which aren't on the Internet because of burglars), I see my entry was, "Tonight's Top Ten list starts without a title. Paul stops Dave. Dave explains that tonight's list has no topic." (This was from June 16, 1998.)

11/12/09 [3215]: It's Sammy Sosa's 41st birthday today. / animation: Sammy Sosa's face changes colors like the autumn leaves. ••• Former astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak drove cross country in a diaper to confront another female astronaut who shared a love interest. That's not important. It's just an excellent excuse to run the clip of Elizabeth Lambert, University of New Mexico women's soccer player, suspended for dropping a BYU player backward to the ground by yanking her pony tail in the Mountain West Conference semifinals. / video ••• monologue: more of Dave's Balloon Boy impression ••• The Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree came in today, but there was trouble. / video: We see Al Roker of Today covering the event. Al is promptly squished by the falling tree. Personally, I never tire of mayhem and violence on the Late Show. It's all in good fun! ••• Barack Obama is leaving for Asia tomorrow. He's been getting lots of advice. / video:

(clip of the President giving an address)

(voice-over): "President Obama's visit to China will require skillful diplomacy. Human rights should not be ignored, yet cooperation on economic issues is vitally important. Above all, remember: the large wooden doors don't open."

(clip of George W. Bush in Beijing, unable to get through locked double doors)

(voice-over): "A message from George W. Bush. The Good Hands People."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#24: Exposure to high-frequency sound waves."

(video): A gentleman in a suit is exposed to high-frequency sound waves. He bounces around, showing considerable discomfort, and then his head 'splodes.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• "Kid Scientists" 1. Heather Bonga explains chemical luminescence. 2. Youcef Hadjarab demonstrates non-Newtonian fluids, which have different viscosity depending on how they are moved. We play with oobleck (corn starch and water) as an example. 3. Shruti Baxi demonstrates explosive dust. ••• after commercial: Dave thanks Lee Marek of Naperville, Illinois, who has been bringing kid scientists to his show since the 1980s. ••• Amanda Peet plugs 2012, and reflects on parenting techniques with Dave. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show..." ••• Receptionist Art Kelly appears once again as Coach Mike Singletary of the San Francisco 49ers. ••• The Cribs sing.

11/13/09 [3216]: Barack Obama was elected just about a year ago, and we're learning more and more about the Obamas. For example, they're keeping bees at the White House for organic honey. / video: "the president" with several hundred bees resting all over him ••• Jim Carrey stars in a new A Christmas Carol movie. Who do you suppose plays the role of Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge in this offering? That's right... Dick Cheney. / photo ••• The new 3-D version of A Christmas Carol opens tomorrow. / "Highest Grossing 3-D Films" / video:

(sappy Academy Awards background music)

(clips from the films)

  • UP! $292 million
  • Monsters vs. Aliens $198 million
  • Gandhi $52 million
Before our eyes, Sir Ben Kingsley's mustache grows huge and shrinks again, to the tune of a slide whistle.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave graduated with the class of 1965 from Broad Ripple High School in Indianapolis. He tells us the tale of setting off a smoke bomb during a seniors-only convocation associated with graduation. On the next school day afterward, Mr. Robert Ludlow called him in to chew him out a bit. The teacher advised him, "I will never recommend you for a job as long as I live." ••• Tim Donaghy was the crooked NBA referee who officiated hundreds of games, and had gotten into betting on games he was calling. He's been in prison, and just got out. / video:
(action photos)

(voice-over): "Congratulations to Tim Donaghy on being released from prison last week. Tim was back on the court that night for the Nuggets' 190 to 13 win over the Nets. The NBA: Hey... you never know."

••• Mariah Carey interview / She has a new CD, Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel. ••• desk chat: Dave has one of his high school annuals. He shows Robert Ludlow's picture, and his own. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thanks to all who helped make the Late Show bake sale a success!" ••• Kumail Nanjiani does stand-up. ••• on the phone: It's Robert Ludlow himself! ••• Mariah Carey sings.

11/16/09 [3217]: A marijuana café opened in Portland, Oregon. (The waiters can never remember your order. he he) Anyway, celebrities showed up. / video: It's Arnold Schwarzenegger, from his acting years, partaking in some weed. ••• Sarah Palin was on Oprah today. She's also on the cover of the November 23 Newsweek, wearing little black shorts. It's quite the controversy. Truthfully, this is nothing new. What about the uproar when President Grover Cleveland appeared on the cover of Newsweek in shorts, with a ginormous belly? / photo ••• The end-of-the-world thriller, 2012, opened on November 13. / video:

(voice-over): "According to a new film, doom envelops the world as foreseen by mankind's earliest civilization. Now those same people warn that an even more insidious evil can be found in a different kind of movie."

(animation): MAYANS appears, black-on-white, onscreen. As we watch, the M rotates 180°, until WAYANS is spelled.

(clip from Little Man)

(voice-over): "A Message from the Mayan People."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#13: Getting crushed by a dumpster"

(video): clip of an unfortunate fool getting crushed by a dumpster

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: On Sunday at 1 P.M., the Letterman household received a phone call from William Bingha. He wanted to speak to his mother, William Bingha, and was calling from Manila. Ten minutes later, "Billy" called again. ••• desk chat: Dave shows the front page of the November 14 New York Times, with a picture of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. The good-for-nothing terrorist is giving a lost puppy dog look, as seen in any kennel. Then Dave shows the hairy picture, with KSM in that ill-fitting t-shirt, for contrast. ••• desk chat: Dave continues with the cover of the November 14 New York Times. He wants to visit with us about a certain word, douche, which has become quite fashionable in prime time television. (The audience starts howling.) Douche has been uttered 76 times in 26 series. Then Dave sets out to defend the practice, since he's been to France, and it's the name for a shower! (Dave admits he was afraid to touch that shower knob the first couple of trips.) You can say shower on TV, can't you? But what you probably shouldn't say in prime time is douche bag. The audience was laughing their asses off during this desk chat. Nice work, Dave! ••• desk chat: While Dave's on a total roll, he again holds up the SKM puppy dog picture and says, "Please, please adopt me. I won't hump the couch. Please." ••• Top Ten Surprises in the Sarah Palin Book ••• Sharon Stone visits with Dave about her advocacy for AIDS research. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "The Late Show is a Quinn Martin Production." ••• Seth Meyers plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• Wyclef Jean (with Cyndi Lauper) sing.

11/17/09 [3218]: That good-for-nothing terrorist, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is going to trial in New York City. He looks familiar. / picture of him with ZZ Top ••• monologue: Dave gets the aaoogah horn censor for calling KSM bat**** crazy. ••• Sarah Palin was on Oprah on November 16. / video: Sarah's face FXd onto someone jumping on Oprah's couch. Perhaps it was Tom Cruise. ••• "Sarah Palin Oprah Interview Recap" / video:

(Sarah Palin clips): I was naive. / I was not qualified. / I was ill-prepared. / I didn't do very well. / screwed up / went rogue / I'm a quitter. / I'm a lover of books / and magazines / There's the perky one! / Did he have me? / Did he have me? / I did get a D. / Yup. / Right on. / Bingo! / maverick / Todd / Todd / Todd / Todd / Todd / God and Todd / Levi / Levi / Levi / Levi / porn / Levi / porn / Levi / Levi / Awesome! / Neanderthal / Ricky Hollywood / She's reloading. / It would blow you away. / (laughing maniacally) / (laughing maniacally) (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")
••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#55: Getting doused with oil from a deep fryer"

(video): clip of an individual getting doused with oil from a deep fryer

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave got Harry on the phone a little bit ago. As usual, he was trying to make Harry think he was funny, by using a funny voice. Then Harry started doing it. Dave asked him, "Why are you talking like that?" "Because I suddenly became an old man," he replied to our host. ••• Felicia Collins' mother, Lorraine, is celebrating her 73rd birthday today. ••• Sarah Palin was interviewed by Barbara Walters on Good Morning America this morning. Barbara ran a clip of "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" #14 from October 7, and asked her about it. Palin said those things aren't even funny. When asked if she would go on the Late Show she said, "I don't think that I want to boost his ratings. I do want him to sell my book, though, so I hope he keeps it up." ••• 86-year-old Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 by the NFL for making an obscene gesture at Buffalo Bills fans. / clip of Adams giving the finger repeatedly (sometimes both at once!) / Dave follows his naughty example. / Top Ten Signs Your NFL Owner Is Nuts ••• outside cam: Penelope Cruz making her entrance on 53rd St. ••• Penelope Cruz plugs Broken Embraces. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "The Late Show will add an 18% gratuity to parties of six or more viewers." ••• poker champ Joe Cada interview ••• The Script sing.

11/18/09 [3219]: monologue: Dave obviously got a preshow audience question about the purpose of the scrim (toward the back of the stage). He asks for it to be raised to see if it serves any useful purpose. (more to come) ••• monologue: Mass murderer Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is going on trial in New York City for his heinous acts on 9/11/01. / photo: (It's the bearded Joaquin Phoenix, seated in the Late Show guest chair on 2/11/09.) ••• Heart specialists have been doing CT scans on Egyptian mummies who lived from 2,000 to 3,500 years ago. Many had signs of atherosclerosis. We have a more-recent mummy with heart disease. (Cue photo of Dick Cheney scowling.) (Cue Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee.) ••• Doctors say the only way to counter heart disease in mummies is to get out and do stuff. They can't just lay around, for goodness sakes! / video: black and white movie with some sort of mummy/zombie trashing a laboratory ••• Joe Cata, 2009 World Series of Poker winner, was on the show last night. / video: World Series of Shuffling on ESPN (I think the player was Walter Kim with sunglasses on.) ••• It's a new Late Show segment: "Local News Reporting of the Night" / video:

A NY1 reporter is standing by a street, waiting for his cue.

The anchor apologizes. (NY1 is New York City's 24-hour news channel on the Time Warner Cable TV.)

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#8: Drinking elephant dung squeezings"

(video): clip from Man vs. Wild of Bear Grylls drinking elephant poop squeezings

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• update: Dave's been checking during the commercial. He says the scrim near the back of the stage is called a bobbinet. ••• "Stupid Human Tricks" /
  1. Dea Devlin, 12, from Brooklyn plays a violin while hopping on a pogo stick. Dave's extremely impressed with her presentation. She totally nailed it!
  2. Rob Anderson from Salt Lake City stands on a beer keg, jumps up, flips it 180° and lands back on it. He perfects it on the third try, after a pep talk from Daddy.
  3. Brandon Hardesty from Los Angeles smears liquid baby shampoo on his lips and blows big bubbles (as the CBSO plays the theme from the Lawrence Welk Show).
••• Dave gives a spare scrim/bobbinet worth $900 to the policeman from Sacramento who asked the preshow question. ••• Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Interview with Fox News ••• Robert Pattinson plugs The Twilight Saga: New Moon. He was Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter, you know. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Judge talk shows on the four Cs: cut, color, clarity and carat weight." ••• desk chat: Dave gives another of his reality show rants, complaining that a show like Man vs. Wild is going to have a camera crew, audio crew, truck drivers, etc., and yet Bear Grylls has to drink elephant poop squeezings! ••• Last week was the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street, which brings us to "Sesame Street: Where Are They Now?" (Cookie Monster) / video:
(various pictures of Sesame Street characters)

(voice-over): "Cookie Monster was one of Sesame Street's most-beloved characters. Throughout the 1970s, he seemed to have it all. In 1976, he married actress and long-time lover, Angie Dickinson. They lived happily in a Hollywood Hills mansion previously owned by Clark Gable, and later, Lamb Chop. Life seemed perfect until a cookie addiction in the 1980s wiped out his bank account, and sent his home into foreclosure. His marriage in ruins, Angie left and ran into the arms of the couple's close friend, Dick Van Dyke. A comeback on Dancing with the Stars lasted only a week. Friends haven't heard from him since. They fear the worst. This has been 'Sesame Street: Where Are They Now?' "

••• Ray Davies sings (with quite an impressive backup choir).

11/19/09 [3220]: monologue: People ask Dave for his favorite Thanksgiving recipe. Jerry Foley puts it onscreen for a fraction of a second. This is why we have fan pages! Here it is:

Dave's Savory Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe

INGREDIENTS
16-pound turkey
6 cups water
¾ cup egg substitute
2 pounds day-old white bread,
cubed and toasted
2 medium onions, chopped
1 tablespoon poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon rubbed sage
¼ teaspoon pepper
6 tablespoons butter, melted
1 ½ teaspoons paprika

GRAVY
2 teaspoons chicken bouillon granules
2 cups boiling water
5 tablespoons all-purpose flour

What? You want to know what to do with all these ingredients? Dave's just given us the parts list. I wouldn't have the first idea, but probably at some point you'd need to heat up this concoction. I think I remember from my many dietitian friends that the carcass must be heated to 160° F. ••• Has Barack Obama aged in office? Maybe. You be the judge. / photo: It's Redd Foxx! ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:

(voice-over): "#45: Walking into traffic."

(video): A pedestrian gets hit and flipped by a speeding SUV. On his way back to earth, the poor dude gets finished off by a speeding taxi headed the opposite direction.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

(a repeat from 10/08/09)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Paul's book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• Dave has an inappropriate story involving his 88-year-old mother, Dorothy, from way back when. It goes something like this:
As we know, Dorothy is a very undemonstrative woman... certainly the last one we'd expect to say something inappropriate. Dorothy was with Dave on a vacation one time. By the time Wednesday rolled around, they were running out of topics. Dave asked her if she ever went out to look for hickory nuts, as we know from this very program that she has used hickory nuts in pies, in 1993 and 1996. Hickory nuts have that blonde exterior shell that's virtually impossible to crack. If you do manage to open them, there isn't much in there. Anyway, Dorothy replied to Dave, "They're so hard that Pop (her father) would take his down to the basement, and he would put his nuts on an anvil, and he would hit them with a hammer."
••• Barack Obama's approval rating is running around 45% currently. / Top Ten Ways President Obama Can Increase His Popularity ••• interruption: Lyle the Intern shows up at a table in front of Dave. He's "getting his chow on" (eating his Thanksgiving dinner). That's because the Late Show doesn't pay their interns anything, so he can't afford to travel back to wherever it is that we got him from. / video: a quick look at Lyle's intern duties (with Joe Grossman as Rudy) ••• Stephen Colbert plugs The Colbert Report. ••• Emily Blunt plugs The Young Victoria. ••• John Mayer sings. ••• after the show airs: John Mayer is seen on a live Webcast.

11/20/09 [3221]: monologue: Dave, no doubt responding to a preshow request, shows his bald spot. ••• In his new book, Andre Agassi discusses wearing a hairpiece on the tennis court for a long time. / "Open by Andre Agassi" / video:

(clips of Agassi playing tennis)

(voice-over): "Tired of worrying that my hairpiece might fall out during a match, I stopped wearing it and shaved my head in 1995. Most people don't know this, but my hairpiece then went on to have a long, successful playing career of its own."

(clip of Andre's hairpiece in action on the court)

(voice-over): "I miss you, buddy. This has been an excerpt from Open by Andre Agassi."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: A couple in the audience is from north of the Arctic Circle. Dave has a somewhat rambling and spontaneous discussion of what he knows about the area, including the Hudson's Bay Company (incorporated in 1670), cough syrup, plus things that catch his attention on the map someone found for him. Eventually he tells us about a seal fat fry, with caribou and a native "pudding" that's actually prechewed seal fat. ••• It's receptionist Art Kelly as Mike Singletary in a segment now called "Coach's Corner." ••• back to the map of Canada ••• Viggo Mortensen plugs The Road, and tells us about eating bugs. ••• Paula Poundstone does stand-up, plugging her CD, "I ♥ Jokes: Paula Tells Them in Maine." ••• out of commercial: Dave's messing around with Lyle Lovett's latest CD, "Natural Forces," and discovers a photo of himself (with Viggo Mortensen hair) in the package. ••• Lyle Lovett sings.

11/23/09 [3222]: monologue: Mass murderer Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is going on trial in New York City, and legal experts fear that he'll use the trial as a soapbox. / photo / "If he does," Dave opines, "it'll be the closest he's been to soap in years!" / photo ••• Michael Jackson's white glove sold to a dude in Hong Kong for $420,000. Dave's concerned that the gentleman may have been swindled. / photo: It's a cartoon glove with a goofy face on it. ••• The Twilight Saga: New Moon had a $140,000,000 opening weekend. It's not just about vampires. It has a new twist. / video:

(movie title graphic)

(photo): Kristen Stewart and others in a scene

(voice-over): "The Twilight Saga returns in New Moon, featuring all your favorite characters from the book, including the brooding vampire, the mysterious werewolf and the most frightening creature of all: the Werewolf Blitzer."

(photo): Wolf Blitzer with werewolf eyes

(voice-over): "New Moon: now playing at theaters everywhere."

••• "Local News Team of the Night" / video:
(intro graphic and music)

Oops... nothing more... We're not sure why.

Dave instructs us to put on the life vests. He moseys over to Barbara Gaines for an explanation. Gaines sends him back to his spot for a do-over.

••• "Local News Team of the Night" / video:
(intro graphic and music)

We see anchors Ken Rosato and Lori Stokes of flagship station WABC-TV 7. Lori's caught checking her hair with a hand mirror. She's mortified.

(graphic and music)

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#19: Getting bitten by a snake"

(video): dude gets bitten by a snake on an airplane!

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Oprah will leave Oprah in 2011, after 25 years. He takes the opportunity to announce that he's taking her job. He's tired of staying up late! Don't worry. It'll be exactly the same show. The new magazine will be D. Dave claims he'll start a week from Tuesday. Paul wonders if Tony Danza will take over for Dave. ••• This just in on a blue card: Mr. Tony Danza is waiting backstage with Biff Henderson, as we speak! (via video from 12/01/05) ••• Top Ten Signs Oprah Doesn't Care Anymore ••• Robin Williams plugs Old Dogs in three segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• more Robin Williams ••• desk chat: Dave shows a copy of D magazine. ••• Ashley Greene plugs The Twilight Saga: New Moon. She's cute.

11/24/09 [3223]: monologue: Dave discusses hot Christmas kids' presents over the years. / photo: the hairy Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as a Furbee ••• monologue: Dave gets the aaoogah censor horn for calling Khalid Sheikh Mohammed an a******. (We all know perfectly well that Dave loves the horn, and he cussed on purpose for an excuse to hear it once again. We home viewers enjoy it, too.) ••• A Late Show Thanksgiving vacation began one year ago today. Writer Joe Grossman brought his monkey, Sherman, to the afternoon staff Thanksgiving feast. Sherman was being a good monkey, sitting in a chair, when he suddenly let rip with an impressive sneeze. The clip has been given the title "A Monkey Sneezing," and has been enjoyed several dozen times on the show. Now, the puzzling part is that Dave calls today the anniversary, but the clip ran on the Thanksgiving show on November 27. Anyway, Dave's favorite part is Sherman, after the sneeze, looking off to the side for a gesundheit. (That means health in German, by the way.) ••• Our pal Regis is going to have a hip replacement operation. / "Regis Philbin's Absences Over the Years" / video:

(voice-over): "2009: Regis announces he'll miss four to six weeks for a hip replacement procedure. 2007: Regis misses five weeks after undergoing triple bypass surgery. 2003: Regis misses 11 months serving time for manslaughter."

(clip of Regis dumping a very large, black trash bag into a dumpster)

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#34: Getting decapitated"

(video): It's some movie scene where some guy gets decapitated by what appears to be a very sharp fire escape stairway mounted to the side of a building.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave shows Paul's new book, We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• desk chat: Dave repeats his joke about Harry oinking all the way home after his swine flu vaccination. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Dorothy, 88, will be on tomorrow night's show for the annual pie guessing. He then repeats a tale he told a while back. When he was a teenager, one of the guys got into his dad's liquor cabinet and snagged a fifth of Early Times™ whiskey. As new teenage drinkers often discover too late, you shouldn't necessary drink the entire bottle, just because it's there. Dave got drunk as a skunk, and he urped. He was praying for God to kill him when Dorothy came out of the house and found him. ••• Top Ten Surprises at Tonight's White House State Dinner / Sherman Grossman ••• Dave shows a picture of a bottle of Early Times™. ••• Zac Efron plugs Me and Orson Welles. ••• Carrie Fisher plugs her play next door, Wishful Drinking. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's show, with Natalie Portman, Adam Lambert and Dave's mom." ••• Rihanna sings.

11/25/09 [3224]: monologue: Thanksgiving at the Letterman house is like a women's soccer match with pie. / video: clip of Elizabeth Lambert, University of New Mexico women's soccer player, dropping a BYU player backward to the ground by yanking her pony tail -- in the Lobos' 1-0 loss to BYU in the Mountain West Conference semifinals earlier this month ••• "Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now?" / video:

(various pictures of turkeys)

(voice-over): "In 2004 George W. Bush pardoned a turkey named Biscuit. Grateful for his second chance, Biscuit turned his life around, giving up drinking and doing a popular series of straight-talk-for-teens lectures until 2007, when he was shot by a hunter, stuffed with cornbread and celery and eaten by the hunter's family while they watched the Lions-Packers game. This has been 'Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now?' "

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#42: Getting attacked by a guy in a turkey suit"

(clip of Richard Simmons from 11/22/00, when he came on the Late Show in a turkey suit, glistening with oil, and tried to kiss Dave)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave self-reports a suspenders problem. They're giving him an unspecified lift. ••• It's year #16 for the live visit to Dave's mom to guess pies. Dave has a list of past pies, and he reviews them for us. He also sets the ground rules for the trance he will be entering momentarily. You must have some time on your hands if you're reading this. Let's go ahead and itemize the past pies for historical purposes:

1993  1. orange pumpkin cake, with whipped cream and hickory nuts
1994  1. pumpkin2. cherry3. cherry
1995  1. pumpkin2. cherry 
1996  1. cherry2. hickory nut 
1997  1. cherry2. coconut butterscotch pecan 
1998  1. pumpkin2. rhubarb 
1999  1. pumpkin2. red raspberry chiffon 
2000  1. pumpkin2. apple 
2001  1. pumpkin2. lemon chiffon 
2002  1. pumpkin2. raspberry 
2003  1. apple2. pecan 
2004  1. pumpkin2. chocolate chiffon 
2005  1. pumpkin2. blueberry 
2006  1. pumpkin2. apple 
2007  writers' strike - no show 
2008  1. peanut butter2. pecan3. pizza!
•••
We go live via satellite to Indianapolis, Indiana to see Dave's mom, Dorothy, in her kitchen. As usual, Dave has some ridiculous stories about family history he's made up, and Dave has made one of his assistants send flowers to Dorothy. Dave correctly guesses pumpkin for pie #1. He asks if pie #2 is related to berries. It is. Dave guesses cherry (no), blueberry (no) and raspberry (Yes!). Dorothy isn't cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. She's headed to Applebee's® to try to get a Heimlich!
••• Dave shows the Late Show pie pool chart. Associate Director Jessica Santini won. ••• live via satellite to Indianapolis: A cameraman's in Dorothy's kitchen, eating the raspberry pie. ••• Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much on Thanksgiving ••• Our old friend, Natalie Portman, plugs Brothers. I don't believe I've ever heard Dave be so complimentary about a film. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• live via satellite to Indianapolis: The cameraman has eaten about ¾ of the raspberry pie, and he's passed out on the floor. Poor thing! ••• Adam Lambert sings.

11/26/09: REPEAT FROM 11/10/09

11/27/09: REPEAT FROM 11/09/09

11/30/09: REPEAT FROM 10/29/09

12/01/09: REPEAT FROM 11/02/09

12/02/09: REPEAT FROM 11/12/09

12/03/09: REPEAT FROM 10/14/09

12/04/09: REPEAT FROM 11/03/09

12/07/09 [3225]: monologue: Tiger Woods is in big, big trouble with Mrs. Woods for apparently cheating on her with various females. Dave pauses a few times to reflect on just what to say. ••• Tim Donaghy is the NBA referee who was caught in gambling activities in 2007. This earned him some time in the slammer, where he began writing Blowing the Whistle: The Culture of Fraud in the NBA. He was released in November of 2009. / 60 Minutes video:

(clip from an NBA game)

(Donaghy): "We're looking at a foul that was like, 'Oh, obviously,' and that absolutely should have been called a foul, that I and the other referees passed on."

(clip of Ron Artest involved in a brawl)

(60 Minutes stopwatch)

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#31: Falling off a moving train"

(clip of two guys fighting on top of a locomotive, with one knocking the other off the front, resulting in his being run over)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat (audience poll): Dave calls for an audience vote, by way of applause, on whether Tiger Woods is a jerk. There's a little applause. Dave then asks for some evaluation on his own level of jerkitude. The ever-reliable CBSO horn section (Tom "Bones" Malone, Al Chez and Bruce Kapler) applaud. ••• Tiger Woods is taking time off golf while he straightens out his personal life. The sport's still exciting. Just look at The Golf Channel. / video:
(clip of a Tiger Woods interview)

(voice-over): "The biggest name in golf may be lying low for a while, but here at The Golf Channel we're still going strong, with coverage of all your other favorite golf superstars... like, uh... the fat guy, the pasty guy, the guy who always wears the hat, and the guy who kind of looks like my Uncle Lou. The Golf Channel: Like a television channel, but for golf."

••• interruption: Oh, no. Writer Joe Grossman - this time with a beautiful blonde babe in tow - has shown up again in front of the backdrop. Dave spots him after trying to figure out what the audience is giggling about.
(Dave): "Can I... can I help you?"

(Joe): "Is this the state dinner?"

(Dave): "No. The state dinner was a couple of weeks ago at the White House. We're doin' a TV show here."

(Joe): "Oh. Well, can I get a picture with you?"

(Dave): "No. I know who you are. You're Joe, and you work here."

(Joe): "Yes, but we've never met."

(Dave): "Yeah. I know that. Do me a favor and just get out."

This was a take-off of the uninvited young couple, Michaele Salahi and her husband Tareq, who crashed a White House state dinner on Dec. 1.

••• Top Ten Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image (with reactions from Tom Hanks in the green room) ••• Ray Romano plugs Men of a Certain Age. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• after commercial: Alan Kalter is needed, but missing. We find him with Lamaze class ladies backstage. ••• desk chat: Dave visits with Paul about a song from The Drifters. ••• Anna Kendrick plugs Up in the Air.

12/08/09 [3226]: monologue: Our old friend Regis Philbin has recently had hip replacement surgery.

  1. It was his last original part.
  2. He had strain from carrying around his wallet.
  3. "hip replacement": code for rehab!
••• Peter Jackson has a new film, The Lovely Bones, opening this week. / video:
(voice-over): "From Academy Award-winning direcor Peter Jackson comes the story of a life, and everything that comes after. Starring Rachel Weisz, Mark Wahlberg, Susan Sarandon, and introducing the remains of Ricardo Montalban as the bones. The Lovely Bones: Starts Friday."
••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#6: Ripping off your own head."

(clip of a guy ripping off his own head)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave has a laptop computer, and something called a mouse. He'll be sending tweets during tonight's episode. He names all the celebrities with thousands and thousands of followers, and seems ready to get in on the action... at least for 10 or 15 minutes. He offers us these blockbusters:
  • I'm making toast!
  • I like Barbara. Do you?
  • Do you smell veal and peppers?
Check out Late Show Twitter action here. ••• after commercial: more tweeting ••• Barbara Walters plugs The Ten Most Fascinating People of 2009. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Everett Duerksen was the Republican Senator who Dave's dad, Joe, admired. Dave continues tweeting, and he's also making toast. ••• Blakroc (with Mos Def and Jim Jones) sing.

12/09/09 [3227]: Mayor Michael Bloomberg makes a perfect stocking stuffer. / Photoshopped photo / I thought I should find out why Dave jokes a couple of times per week about his size. It turns out he's 5' 5". ••• Dave mentions Dick Cheney, so Will Lee can do his blood-curdling scream, as though from the secret dungeon of the White House. ••• By the way, Dick Cheney was on Hannity last night, and he's in great shape. / video:

(Sean Hannity): "And you said about Barack Obama, 'he is projecting weakness to America's enemies.' Expand on that."

(Dick Cheney): gasping and heaving (a "Late Show Unfair Edit")

••• There's a new Tiger Woods video game. / video:
(animations of Tiger swinging)

(voice-over): "Get ready to tee off with the latest innovation from EA Sports: Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11. Compete in all the major tournaments. After your round, rendezvous with that special someone."

(Tiger with a mistress)

(voice-over): "Panic and tell her to lose your number. Then flee your furious wife."

(Cadillac Escalade wreck)

(voice-over): "Tiger Woods PGA 11: Coming soon."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#57: Using a malfunctioning automatic hand dryer."

(video): An unsuspecting civilian tries to use a public restroom hand dryer, which somehow engulfs the gentleman in a huge ball of flame.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

(This is an encore presentation of the episode from 11/11/09.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• pet massage expert Maryjean Ballner ••• Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head ••• Rachel Weisz plugs The Lovely Bones. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Legendary former Associate Director Pete Fatovich has a new segment, "Pete Fatovich's Tales of Old Hollywood." / video:
(Pete): "Whenever Bob Hope came back to Burbank from the road, he always would like to have a hooker waiting for him. Abe Lastfogel from William Morris would set it up."
••• Rob Thomas sings.

12/10/09 [3228]: monologue: Tiger Woods is in big, big trouble over naughty text messages he's been sending. Maybe he learned these stunts from the master. "Late Show Exclusive: The Explosive Arnold Palmer Texts ;-)" / video:

(voice-over of Arnold): "hey, looks like home depot's having a sale on rakes"
••• monologue: Something weird happened when Barack Obama received the Nobel Peace Prize. / Photoshop fun: The White House state dinner crashing couple, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, showed up. ••• monologue: Regis went in the shop the other day for hip replacement. There will be guest hosts on Live as he recovers. / video:
(peppy Live! with Regis and Kelly intro)

(female voice-over): "Tomorrow on Live, don't miss Mariah Carey, Billy Ray Cyrus and Kelly's special guest co-host: Regis' old, arthritic hip. Only on Live."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#16: Having a tray of needles thrown in your face."

(video): An unsuspecting gentleman has a tray of needles thrown in his face.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: It's Kate Hudson on 53rd St., signing autographs. ••• "Late Show What?!" / From December 9, 2009, it's Dave acting like an imbecile with the pet massage expert, Maryjean Ballner. ••• Top Ten Text Messages Sent by Tiger Woods ••• Kate Hudson plugs Nine. ••• Dr. James Hansen plugs his book, Storms of My Grandchildren. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tori Amos sings.

12/11/09 [3229]: "The Tiger Woods Christmas Special" / video:

(a classic car wreck video clip from Shecky / out-of-control car smashes broadside into a roadside tree) (x2)
••• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ran last week on CBS. / video:
(adorable clips)

(voice-over): "This holiday season, catch the television classic that's enchanted families for decades, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And now, with never-before-seen footage of Santa after too much egg nog."

(clip of Santa holding a bottle of XXX)

(Santa): "Hey, get one of those freaky little elf bastards in here with a mop. This place stinks of reindeer (doodoo)."

(voice-over): "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:"

(Santa voice-over, by Dave): "How about a dance, Linda?"

(voice-over): "...only on CBS"

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#65: Getting stabbed in the eye by a carrot."

(video): A dude gets stabbed in the eye by a carrot.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave, an accomplished hypochondriac wants to talk about those little pains that hypochondriacs get so worked-up about. Is it more common to have a little warning like that, or to just drop dead on a moment's notice? ••• "Fun Facts" /
  1. There are no time zones in Antarctica.
  2. Pearls dissolve in vinegar.
  3. For a brief period, Mr. T lived next door to Mr. U.
  4. Due to a contractual mix-up, Cher briefly co-hosted a television variety show with Sonny Liston.
  5. glass-breaking FX: "Keep on rockin' in the free world!"
  6. According to a recent survey, 100% of respondents had time to participate in a brief survey.
  7. glass-breaking FX: It's Jeff Altman as Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol: "212, Len Easton. We're westbound west on the westbound 101. We've got an 1104 in progess at the Topanga Mall. Two youth reported steeling a vibrating (unintelligible) Brookstone. Will check vibration, apprehend and strip search. Come back." (dispatch unintelligible) "Uh, 19 Easton out."
  8. Scientists have found a remote village in Peru whose inhabitants think Kirstie Alley is still thin.
••• desk chat: Dave gets the aaoogah censor horn for saying a cuss word consisting of four letters. / Dave has more commentary on out-of-body and near-death experiences. They give you a really bad headache. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Having a Bad Holiday Season. ••• Kyra Sedwick plugs The Closer. ••• Brian Scott McFadden does stand-up. ••• Joe Perry of Aerosmith sings. ••• sign-off

12/14/09 [3230]: tonight in the audience: the kid from Alabama who won the Heisman trophy (OK... not really, but he has a shirt) ••• "Late Show Exclusive: The Explosive Arnold Palmer Texts ;-)" / video:

(voice-over of Arnold): "I can't remember the last time I had bologna." (pronounced as baloney, for the record)
••• A citizen threw a small statue at the face of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on Sunday, which brings us to the premiere of "Things Thrown at Politicians." / video:
(clips of politicians, out and about)

(voice-over): "Silvio Berlusconi: a statue. George W. Bush: a shoe. Gerald Ford: a chicken."

(animation of a chicken taking out Mr. Ford, causing him to take one of his tumbles down a stairway)

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#11: Getting stabbed with an umbrella."

(video): A dude gets stabbed in the chest with a really sharp umbrella, which exits the dorsal side of his body and opens into full deployment. That is one high-quality umbrella!

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has a lengthy story for us about weekend errands gone bad. He and Harry were in the car when they unexpectedly encountered black ice. Dave lost control of the car for a moment. On the return trip, the same stretch of road was closed because the ice was so bad. Dave headed for Interstate 84, thinking the road surface would be warmer. In a few seconds, traffic got stopped there, too. As a result, the two gentlemen got to sit in the car and wait for about an hour. Harry passed the time by making silly noises. By the way, some other guy passed the time by taking a leak. ••• Top Ten Least Popular Mall Stores ••• Hugh Grant plugs Did You Hear About the Morgans?. ••• Zoe Saldana plugs Avatar. (She is a stunning beauty, by the way.) ••• Alicia Keys sings.

12/15/09 [3231]: monologue Photoshop fun: That thing on Donald Trump's head has Christmas lights. ••• Michelle Obama invited Oprah to the White House on Sunday. / video:

(Michelle to Oprah): "We're in the East Colonnade, and part of the tradition, usually they're just regular, older photos in these frames, but we put Christmas photos of all the Christmases past..."

(Oprah, interrupting): "So this... the photos are changed out periodically, right?"

(Michelle): "The photos are changed out periodically, and now they are all holiday-focused."

(We see these photos.):

  1. John and Jacqueline Kennedy beside a Christmas tree,
  2. Betty Ford and Susan, and
  3. George W. Bush, messing with a menorah, oblivious to the fact the his right suit sleeve is engulfed in flames.
••• Clint Eastwood has a new film, Invictus, about rugby in South Africa. / video:
(voice-over): "From director Clint Eastwood comes the inspiring, true story of a nation torn apart, and the man who brought it together. Rugby hero Francois Pienaar, South African President Nelson Mandela and the South African president's wacky brother, Howie Mandela. Invictus: Now playing at theaters everywhere."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• James Cameron's Avator is getting all kinds of attention, which brings us to "James Cameron's Technical Innovations." / video:
(movie clips)

(voice-over): "The Stereoscopic Fusion 3D Camera System, The Liquid Metal Morphing Effect and The Vibrating Movie Seat."

(clip of a Late Show staffer bouncing around): "Holy crap. That's awesome!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'James Cameron's Technological Innovations.' "

••• desk chat: Our friend Regis Philbin is at home, recovering from hip replacement surgery. Dave has him on the phone, and the two big-time TV stars exchange pleasantries and barbs. Regis is taking aspirin. Dave wonders if one of his CDs was used for anesthesia. ••• Regis Philbin (on the phone) presents the Top Ten Ways Regis Is Passing the Time While Recuperating from Hip Surgery. ••• Sarah Jessica Parker plugs Did You Hear About the Morgans?. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow." ••• Leona Lewis sings.

12/16/09 [3232]: monologue: Time has just named Ben Bernanke Person of the Year for 2009. As always, the mere mention of the Fed chairman's name results in crazed screaming by teenage girls in the balcony. (x 5) ••• Yesterday was the first flight of the Boeing 787 Dreamliner. It's the most comfortable aircraft in the sky. The test flight went very well, but there was one odd problem in the cockpit. / Photoshop fun: White House state dinner crashers Michaele and Tareq Salahi turned up in the cockpit. ••• monologue: On November 11, tourists Harvey and Paula Darden from Hogansville, Georgia accidentally showed up one day early for a scheduled White House tour. They somehow ended up being ushered into breakfast with Barack and Michelle Obama. That stuff didn't happen when Dick Cheney was there. Tourists would hear the organ music coming from his dungeon and high-tail it out of there. (Cue Will Lee's blood-curdling scream.) ••• monologue: Tiger Woods has been very naughty, and as word gets out, he's losing commercial deals left and right. This is not an uncommon outcome for naughty celebrities. Closer to home, Mr. Letterman's own troubles became known in early October, and now Dave's lucrative endorsement deal with Depends™ has been dropped. ••• Senator Joe Lieberman is flip-flopping on the Obama health care bill. / video:

(voice-over): "Joe Lieberman has infuriated Democrats by coming out against expanding Medicare, after supporting it just a few months ago. But what's even more troubling is something Senator Lieberman said during in a recent television interview."

(Senator Lieberman on CNN): "I'm going to raise your taxes, so I can buy myself a sweet Camaro."

(voice-over): "Is this a man we can trust? A message from the Democratic National Committee."

••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#7: Having jumper cables shoved in your mouth."

(video): A man gets jumper cables shoved in his mouth. There's a huge bunch of sparks flying, and the victim's eyes appear to explode. That's a lot of action for 12 volts.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Coach's Corner," with receptionist Art Kelly as 49ers Coach Mike Singletary. ••• Martin Short shows up unexpectedly (OK, not really) with a mini fog machine. One again, Marty blows the roof off the dump with a hilarious original song, "Don't Commit Suicide on the Holidays." ••• outside cam: Robert Downey, Jr. arriving outside ••• Top Ten Signs There's Something Wrong with the Secret Service ••• Robert Downey, Jr. plugs Sherlock Holmes (2009) in multiple segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kris Allen sings. ••• with closing credits: a picture of Fed chairman Ben Bernanke

12/17/09 [3233]: cold open: We see Dave and Joe Grossman together. Joe's wearing a Santa hat.

(Joe): "Kind of a light turnout for your party this year."

(David): "This... this is about what we get."

(roll opening montage)

••• monologue: Photoshop fun: It's George W. Bush trying to light a menorah, blissfully unaware that the right sleeve of his suit jacket is engulfed in flames. ••• monologue: We had so much fun with the Ben Bernanke gag last night that it's on again tonight. Crazed teenage fans scream every time Dave utters Bernanke's name (or makes reference to nude photos of the Fed Chairman) (x4). ••• Rumor has it that Tiger Woods drove to LAX to try to stop Elin from leaving him. / video: It's one of Shecky's car wreck clips. ••• It seems that there are ill feelings between Sarah Palin and Senator John McCain, left over from the 2008 campaign. / video:
(photo of Sarah Palin on a beach)

(voice-over): "Yesterday Sarah Palin was spotted wearing a McCain visor with the Senator's name clearly blacked out. Well, John McCain wants to say that he has no problem with Palin."

(Photoshop): The Senator is seen standing by a cactus, wearing a t-shirt with the crossed-out text: "Palin is a moron."

(voice-over): "McCain: 'One ticket for Cocoon, please.' "

••• Dave distributes fake presents to delighted audience members (with an assist by Eddie Brill). ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Shannon Eis has new holiday toys, including:
  1. FurReal Friends Lulu My Cuddlin' Kitty by Hastro® ($49, and out-of-stock)
  2. Zhu Zhu Pets™ hamsters
  3. Zyclone&trade: Zing-Ring Blaster by Zing Toys ($29.99)
  4. HEXBUG™ Nano Robotic Bug from RadioShack (three for $15)
  5. Air Hogs Vectron Wave UFO - Blue by Spin Master Toys ($25)
  6. Customized Cupcake Car from Nieman Marcus ($25,000)
••• Top Ten Things Overheard in Line to See Avatar ••• Jude Law plugs Sherlock Holmes (2009). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• desk chat: Dave shows Matisyahu's LP record. ••• "Pete Fatovich's Tales of Old Hollywood" / video:
(peppy intro, "Hooray for Hollywood")

(Pete): "I know everybody loved him, but Spencer Tracy was a (prick)."

••• Matisyahu sings.

12/18/09 [3234]: James Cameron's Avatar opened today. It has innovative special effects. / video:

(voice-over): "Fourteen years in the making. A $500 million budget. The debut of never-before-seen film technology. James Cameron presents Avatar.

(animation): Somewhere in space, a station wagon with "Avatar" spray-painted on its side zaps a space-walking monkey astronaut with some kind of space disintegrator beam.

(voice-over): "Avatar. Opens Friday."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights. / Tobey Maguire's appearance tonight was predicted by Nostradamus, by the way. ••• desk chat: Dave sets aside this week's envelope of Fun Facts, and takes us back to the glory days of Late Night to tell his annual Al Maher story. Al was a longtime stagehand who was known to consume a little firewater once in a while. Well, Al got loaded at the Late Night Christmas party, and he suggested to Tom Brokaw that he could go givl himself. (Givl is a substitute we use over at alt.fan.letterman for one of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on TV.) Dave took the liberty of saying the special word, and was censored with the Late Show aaoogah horn. ••• Tobey Maguire plugs Brothers, Natalie's Portman's latest film. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• Tom Dreesen ••• Alicia Keys sings. (On the average night I don't pay the least bit of attention to the musical guest (Avril hasn't been on in a long time), but I thought Alicia Keys gave a very nice performance tonight.

12/21/09 [3235]: James Camerons' Avatar has new 3-D technology. / video:

Shecky's found yet another old-time movie clip. It's a gentleman in a tuxedo and top hat, playing paddleball.
••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video:
(voice-over): "#3: Getting beaten up by a guy in a Santa suit."

(video): A guy in a Santa suit beats a guy up, then throws him through a window.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave, that jolly old elf, is busy delivering empty presents to unsuspecting audience members. They seem delighted at their good fortune. They're the only thing on CBS right now. ••• The Northeast was buried in snow last week. Dave has a plastic tub full of CBS snowballs, and he nails Dave Dorsett's camera with a few. That poor camera has been beaten to within an inch of its life by Dave hitting it on its side with his microphone during the preshow audience visit. ••• desk chat: Dave had a 103° F temperature over the weekend. Can he handle the stress of tonight's program? Costume Designer Sue Hum advised him to moisturize. ••• We have the latest commercial for Avatar. / video:
(voice-over): "From director James Cameron comes Avatar, the thrilling story of a man who risks his life by entering the body of a strange creature. And coming soon, catch the exciting sequel about a man who risks his life by entering the bodies of 14 strange creatures."

(animation of a critter that looks very much like former golfer Tiger Woods, getting conked on the head with a golf club)

(voice-over): "Avatiger: Coming soon to a theater near you."

••• interruption: Pat Farmer shows up beside Dave's desk for some casual conversation. Pat has one of those Sunday magazines, USA Weekend, and he's fascinated with the cover story about Penelope Cruz. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Child (presented onstage by Stewie Griffin of Family Guy) ••• Maggie Gyllenhaal plugs Crazy Heart. It's her fifth appearance, so Dave gives her one of the phony presents. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• interruption: Dave goes back to the plastic tub of CBS snowballs for another Late Show blizzard tradition. His target this time is Bruce Kapler's saxophone horn. Score! Then he aims for a saxophone held by Tom "Bones" Malone. Score! ••• Our old friend, John Witherspoon, drops by for an interview.

12/22/09 [3236]: interruption: Dave notices in a monitor that he has an alfalfa. / boom camera close-up ••• The Obamas got flu shots at the White House. It was a big whoop-tee-do. / Photoshop fun: Michaele and Tareq Salahi showed up for their vaccinations, as well. ••• A Charlie Brown Christmas aired on another network (OK... ABC) tonight. / David Letterman does stand-up! / video:

(Linus and blanket, on a stage): "Christmas is about making people laugh. That's why I invited our next special guest."

(A familiar-looking cartoon character takes the stage.): "Early today I'm walkin' down Broadway and I see a couple of rats. A couple of rats runnin' out of a grocery store, stealin' a Duraflame™ log."

(audience booing)

(Linus, to Charlie Brown): "That strange old man ruined Christmas forever."

••• In order to produce Avatar, sensors were put on actors to record their every move. It's amazing. Also, a linguist at UCLA invented a language for the film. / "New Languages Created for Film & Television" / video:
(pretentious opening theme)

(Avatar characters): Na'vi

(Star Trek): Klingon

(David Hasselhoff, on the floor eating a hamburger, saying, "This is a mess." (Kahlua™ & Ambien™)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• On Monday, the Discovery Channel aired its documentary, Who Is Jesus?. video:
(a series of typical New Testament paintings)

(voice-over): "Jesus Christ's followers were awestruck by the first miracle of his ministry, when he turned water into wine at a marriage feast in Cana. They were less impressed, however, by his second miracle, when he turned bread into toast."

(portrait of Jesus with a toaster)

(voice-over): "Who Is Jesus? will return after these messages."

••• Top Ten Christmas Carols (sung onstage by The Cobblestone Carolers) ••• desk chat: Dave compliments and thanks the CBSO. ••• Susan Sarandon plugs The Lovely Bones. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join Dave tomorrow..." ••• desk chat: Dave shows Michael Symons' cookbook, Live to Cook. He was bumped. ••• "A Holiday Message from Biff Henderson" / Biff's steamed. He has a Richard Simmons outfit on, as he thought he was doing a "Sweatin' to the Oldies" skit. "This show sucks," Biff opines. ••• Colbie Caillat sings (with special guest Jason Mraz).

12/23/09 [3237]: monologue: It's fun tonight to watch for random fake snowflakes falling around Dave. They're leftovers from Darlene Love's afternoon rehearsal. ••• Photoshop fun: Illusionist David Blaine has the diminutive (5' 5") Mayor Michael Bloomberg as his Christmas tree ornament. ••• Here's sort of a depressing new holiday offering: "Regis Philbin: Christmas on Painkillers." / audio: "Feliz Navidad" and "Sleigh Ride" (mumbling more than convention singing) ••• "Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir" / video: It's a compilation of all or most of the episodes of this fall series on the Late Show. ••• Jay Thomas tells his awesome Lone Ranger story from his disc jockey days. ••• Jay Thomas and Dave begin the "Late Show Quarterback Challenge." For whatever reason, Dave goes first. He takes aim with the football, and totally nails the meatball on top of the Christmas tree, thus bringing the Challenge to a screeching halt. Jay seems genuinely steamed. He storms off the stage, and that's the end of that. ••• [We'll have a series of taped holiday greetings from soldiers in the Middle East during the rest of the program.] ••• Alec Baldwin plugs It's Complicated. ••• more Alec Baldwin ••• Act 5: a very quick shot of a store front ••• Darlene Love sings "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)," accompanied by quite a group of extra musicians and backup singers. Bruce Kapler appears for his saxophone solo from behind a Christmas tree. Bette Sussman, as usual, is in charge of chimes on the synthesizer. ••• I'm sorry to report that Paul's annual impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night" back in the 70s was edited out because the show ran long. It quickly became available on the CBS Web site.

12/24/09: NO SHOW - CHRISTMAS EVE MASS

12/25/09: REPEAT FROM 12/16/09

12/28/09: REPEAT FROM 12/10/09

12/29/09: REPEAT FROM 11/23/09

12/30/09: REPEAT FROM 11/17/09

12/31/09: REPEAT FROM 11/18/09


Click here for the 2008 episode logs.

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.


This episode guide is © David Yoder.
All rights reserved.