1/04/10 [3238]: monologue: Dave has three resolutions for the new year:

1. Sometime this year, 2010, he'd like to come home with a competitive eating trophy.
2. He wants to make a cat video for YouTube.
3. Dave has to comes to terms with the fact that he's living in a man's body.

1/05/10 [3239]: It's a very cold week in the USA. / Photoshop fun: All four dudes of Mount Rushmore are wearing fur winter hats with earflaps. ••• Rod Blagojevich is going to be on Donald Trump's The Apprentice. / animation: The hair of both gentlemen is alive and growling at the other. ••• We're now learning that a third person besides Michaele and Tareq Salahi crashed the White House state dinner on November 24, 2009. / surveillance video: It's the famous clip of David Hasselhof, drunk on the floor. ••• Barack Obama has appointed a transgender person, Amanda Simpson, to the Commerce Department. / interruption:

Alan Kalter hollers, "What? Amanda? Amanda used to be a dude? Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

(Alan exits the theater, presumably to urp, or kill himself or commit some other act of desperation.)

(clip of New Year's Eve celebration)

(voice-over): "The Department of Homeland Security wishes you a happy 2010, and reminds you that especially in light of recent events, New Year's is a great time to replace the batteries in your family's underpants smoke detectors.

(clip of an underpants-mounted smoke detector)

(voice-over): "The Department of Homeland Security: Glasses in about an hour™."

(black screen)

(voice-over): "Humanity decimated. A world ruled by the undead. If you see one vampire film this year, and you're not sick of vampires after already watching..."

(movie posters)

(voice-over): "...Twilight: New Moon, Underworld, Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Revenge of the Lycans, Blade, Blade II, Blade: Trinity, 30 Days of Night, I Am Legend and Trueblood... then see Daybreak. Opens Friday."

••• Amy Adams plugs Leap Year. ••• "Late Show Technical Minute" (with Erik, Gary Mintz and Mike) /

(CBSO): peppy "Late Show Technical Minute" theme song

(Gary): "The new year is here, and that means a lot of exciting new changes in the Technical Maintenance Department. Isn't that right, Mike?"

(Mike): "Right indeed, Gary! First and foremost, we've begun testing the new Symphony Nitris DX4™, with real time NTSC output for 1080 24P projects, and ancillary data handling!"

(Erik): "It only gets better, Mike. The DNxHD encoding provides a flawless HD quality and incredibly low bandwidth, and pushes the envelope with SpectraMatte keying, fluid motion time effects and Boris Continuum Complete."

(Gary): "Well said, Erik and Mike, and get this. The architecture is optimized for digital HD codecs, including HDV, Secam HD, DVCPRO HD and Avid DNxHD. I could go on, but we should always leave the audience wanting more. That's all the time we have for today. Remember, as we say in Technical Maintenance..."

(all together): "It ain't broke if we can fix it."

(CBSO): peppy "Late Show Technical Minute" theme song

True Confessions: I swiped the Technical Maintenance term SpectraMatte keying from the Wahoo Gazette. I couldn't understand what Erik was saying. I got the rest of the jargon just like the writers did, from the Symphony Nitris DX4 Web page! Since I use Final Cut Pro to make the videos on this site, I actually understood some of what they were saying.

Note: The Human Rights Campaign -- the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization -- demanded a public apology on Jan. 6 for Alan's little skit. I'm not holding my breath until they get it.

1/06/10 [3240]: monologue: There was a big summit meeting in Washington, with President Obama and his top advisers. / photo: We see Leon Panetta (CIA), Dennis Blair (National Intelligence), Robert Gates (Defense) and Mark Harmon (NCIS Special Agent). ••• monologue: We had the Nigerian terrorist with exploding underpants on Christmas day. Barack Obama says it was a screw-up. Now there are new security regulations. / video:

(clip of an airport security area)

(voice-over): "Airport security making it difficult to carry out your terror plot? Fly Air Jihad, the first airline exclusively for terrorists."

(clip of a Boeing 747 with Air Jihad logos)

(voice-over continues): "With no security restrictions, carrying out your mission will be easier than ever."

(voice-over by the man who always voices over Osama bin Laden): "This is your captain speaking. We have reached our cruising altitude. Feel free to move about the cabin, assemble bomb components, storm the cockpit, ignite explosive powder in your underpants or just enjoy the in-flight movie, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Thank you."

(voice-over): "Air Jihad gets you there."

(game clip): Somebody shoots a basketball about to score on a free throw. (I couldn't tell what game it was, as there was school closing text all over the picture.)

1/07/10 [3241]: monologue: impressions of Elvis as Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy ••• There was a meeting at the White House to discuss recent security issues such as the underpants bomber. / video:

(clip of the president)

(voice-over): "President Obama takes recent security lapses very seriously. That's why on Tuesday he convened a special security meeting in the White House Situation Room, attended by Cabinet secretaries, top intelligence officials and the McCade family from Davenport, Iowa, who somehow got in. The Obama administration: No rules. Just right."

1/08/10 [3242]: monologue: Dave has a slight mishap with a joke. We go back to the previous cue card to fix it. All is well. ••• Some buses in New York City are now equipped with a bulletproof compartment for the driver. Everyone seems worried about security these days. / Photoshop fun: The Statue of Liberty is now in a transparent, bulletproof box. ••• Government agencies are trying to tighten up aviation security. Meanwhile, commercial entities are trying to cash in on the problems. / Homeland Security video:

(voice-over): "Due to recent incidents, additional security procedures are being implemented. Effective immediately, there will be a mandatory ten-day waiting period and a complete background check for anyone wishing to buy Hanes® underpants."

(picture of underpants)

(voice-over): "Hanes: If underpants are outlawed, only outlaws will have underpants."

(voice-over): "News from the world of science: The Russian Space Agency has announced plans to send a monkey to explore Mars. Details of the mission are shrouded in secrecy. A Cosmonaut Academy representative would only tell us this."

(movie clip of a chimpanzee on the phone, making silly noises with his mouth)

(voice-over): "More news after this."

1/11/10 [3243]: monologue: "Ladies and gentlemen, once again I did not get the Tonight Show." ••• interruption: "A Message from NBC News" / video:

(NBC peacock logo)

(voice-over): "We interrupt this program so that we may bring you a message from NBC News."

(voice-over by the same guy, pretending to be someone else): "NBC has decided to move David Letterman back to 12:30."

(voice-over by the original guy, not pretending to be someone else): "This has been a message from NBC News."

(shot of Don King and Charles Grodin, sitting behind a folding table that resembles Dave's desk)

(show graphic)

(voice-over by Alan Kalter): "Nighttime with Chuck and Don will return in a moment."

(Arnold): "We need to move the state forward, and bring in both of the parties together, and to get our infrastructure - the water infrastructure - bill passed."

(A picture behind the governor falls right off the wall.)

1/12/10 [3244]: interruption: We hear an unfamiliar sound. It's Gene Szymanski operating a floor polisher, totally upstaging Dave.

(Dave): "Gene. Gene, we're right in the middle of a show."

(Gene): "What possible difference can it make?"

(Dave): "Well, he's got a point!"

(graphic): Law & Order logo

(voice-over): "In the television industry, there are two types of talk show hosts: Jay Leno, and those who have been victimized by Jay Leno. These are their stories."

(graphic): Law & Order: Leno Victims Unit logo

(clip): supermarket tabloid of Conan O'Brien and caption: "Walk Show"

(clip): Jimmy Fallon

(montage clip): "and Ice-T as Carson Daly"

(Dave): "A company in New Jersey has developed what they're calling the world's first sex robot. We placed a call over there and they said, 'Sure,' so they sent out a prototype. Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to the newest sex robot. Come on out. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen."

(Gary): "Hi, everybody. I'm Gary, the sex robot. Thanks to the state-of-the-art digital technology, I'm programmed for thousands of sensual techniques that will bring you to the brink of ecstasy. Allow me to demonstrate. May I have a sexually-frustrated volunteer from the audience?"

(Dave, interrupting): "OK. OK. I, I... uh, Gary, you know... Sadly, we don't have time for the demonstration. I'm sorry."

(Gary): "Suit yourself, grease man. And..."

(Gary, giving Mr. Spock's "live long and prosper" hand sign): "...may the force be with you."

1/13/10 [3245]: monologue: "Let me tell you something. I have not been this entertained by NBC since Balloon Boy threw up on the Today show." ••• "Jay Leno: The Early Years" / video:

(photo of a boy on a stage)

(voice-over): "After losing out on the part of Captain Hook to Peter McKittrick, eight-year-old Jay Leno sabotaged the school's production of Peter Pan."

(clip of a hopelessly clumsy Peter Pan flying from side to side, demolishing the set of the play)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Jay Leno: The Early Years.' "

(clip): opening TV show montage

(voice-over): "Congratulations to Jay Leno on his inevitable return to the Tonight Show, and stay tuned to NBC for more excitement in the coming weeks as Jay takes over the Arsenio Hall Show, and takes over Merv Griffin's grave."

(Jay, emerging from the earth of Merv's grave): "Your local news starts now."

(voice-over): "NBC: 'Crunch all you want. We'll make more.' "

Dave says, "Many, many, many top stars - proven television personalities - and their careers and futures are at stake here, and it's all because of the bungling machinations of the idiots at the NBC executive level." He goes on to tell how, after one of the Late Night anniversary specials at Radio City Music Hall, he got so mad at the "pinheads, the nitwits and the twits and the knuckle draggers and the mouth breathers" that he sent Executive Producer and personal manager Jack Rollins to uninvite one of them from the after party. He saw the man later, hanging his head, but said, "When you're this dumb, there's a price that comes with that." "You can't walk around being stupid and expect to be invited to parties," Dave observes. "Here's my goal, my dream, for American television. I just want everybody who wants a show to have a show," Dave says. "It's 2010. If we can't get these kids shows, then the terrorists have won!" Dave concludes by telling about Jay Leno hiding in a closet to eavesdrop on an executives' meeting to discuss who should get the Tonight Show.

1/14/10 [3246]: monologue: "Earlier today, NBC announced that they were putting the NBC peacock on the endangered species list." ••• monologue: "I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." ••• Jay Leno likes to be the center of attention. / New York Harbor cam: The Statue of Liberty has been replaced by The Statue of Leno! ••• Dave announces that today is the 10th anniversary of his quintuple bypass operation. ••• live via satellite from Burbank, California: We have a camera on NBC Studios, watching the chimney for word that a new Tonight Show host has been selected. ••• back to Burbank: At last! White smoke from the NBC chimney! ••• Mr. Leno has been getting a lot of negative publicity for all the turmoil at NBC. / video:

(voice-over): "Jay Leno is Middle America."

(clips of flags, barns, Little League and watermelon)

(voice-over): "He represents traditional American values... the things this country was built on, like killing Indians because you want their land. Jay Leno: America's standing up for Jay!"

1/15/10 [3247]: interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum appears onstage and begins working on Dave's jacket with a lint lifter.

(Sue): "Want to make sure you look good."

(Dave): "Oh, thanks, Sue."

(Sue): "Don't want your ass getting canned, too!"

(voice-over): "Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the New York City Department of Health are leading a national salt-reduction initiative to lower sodium consumption by 20% in the next five years."

(photo of a salt shaker)

(voice-over): "Bloomberg has long been a proponent of healthy food and living, saying he wants all children to grow up big and strong... just like the mayor."

(photo of the 5' 5" mayor beside a much taller woman)

(voice-over): "Bloomberg: America's cutest mayor."

(voice-over): "The television landscape is changing every day. To keep you, the viewer, informed, we've compiled a list of the most recent developments. George Stephanopoulos, who had been hosting This Week, is now hosting Good Morning America. Ted Koppel, who used to host Nightline, will now host This Week. Jay Leno, who used to host the Tonight Show at 11:35, but has since moved to 10 P.M., will reclaim his slot at 11:35. Conan O'Brien, who used to host Late Night at 12:35, but has since moved to the Tonight Show, will move to 12:05, or to Fox. And Larry King will be replaced by a boot."

(boot): "Duluth, Minnesota, you're on the air."

(voice-over): "Paid for by a company."

1. Breathe fewer times per minute.
2. Instead of Hot Pockets™, switch to Lukewarm Pockets™.
3. (interruption: Pat Farmer wants to discuss Clarence Clemons' birthday this week.)
4. Instead of a fuel-using lawnmower, encourage your kids to graze.
5. (glass-breaking FX: April Stevens with "Teach Me Tiger")
6. Save paper by printing Al Green tips on one page. Dave apologizes, "I'm sorry. Save paper by printing all Green Tips on one page."
7. Leave old, unwanted family members by the side of the road.

1/18/10 [3248]: There's Jets fever in New York. / Photoshop fun: The Statue of Liberty is Jets green! ••• Gene Szymanski, wearing a Jets jersey, strolls onstage to collect $50 from Dave. We all assume it's for a bet on the big Jets win. Actually, it's a recurring debt. Dave has to pay the crew to not beat him up. ••• Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death about four times now. We have an updated police sketch of him. / photo: Amy Winehouse ••• The Colts look forward to playing the Jets in the AFC championship game on Sunday. / video:

(voice-over): "The Colts look forward to facing the Jets on Sunday. Indianapolis will be without Peyton Manning, however, because he's filming a Radio Shack™ commercial at noon, and a Gatorade™ commercial at three. Peyton Manning: back in the fall."

(voice-over): "January 2010: Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show. March 2010: Jay Leno resumes hosting The Tonight Show. July 2042: NBC converts Jay Leno into a cyborg, so he can host The Tonight Show through the 23rd century."

(Leno, as Darth Vader, at his desk): "Folks, it's Monday night. Time for Headlines."

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching. Your local news starts now."

1/19/10 [3249]: intro: "And now, chicken-hearted, gutless talk show host, David Letterman!" ••• monologue: "Conan O'Brien wants to work for a network that is more trustworthy than NBC. Well, what about Al Jazeera?" ••• monologue: "Here's how bad things are at NBC out there in Burbank, at the headquarters of NBC out there in Burbank, here's how bad they are. Earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered. That's how bad." ••• monologue: The FBI has updated an earlier photo of Osama bin Laden to show what he looks like now. / photo: Hmmm. He sure looks a lot like Mr. Suspenders, Larry King. ••• monologue: When you out there in the mountains, on the run, like Osama, it's a rough, tough life. / updated photo: Nick Nolte's booking photo from September 2002 ••• NBC is promoting the new Tonight Show with Jay Leno. / video:

(voice-over): "Hey, late night fans! In just a few short weeks, Jay Leno will be back where he belongs, as host of the Tonight Show."

(lots of clips of Jay, out and about)

(voice-over): "And all your favorite elements of Jay's Tonight Show will be back: the phony handshakes, the guy with the guitar who laughs at everything, the bit he stole from Letterman's Late Night show, the bit he stole from Howard Stern, the announcer he stole from Howard Stern, and me. I'm Edd Hall. The all-new Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Coming soon."

1/20/10 [3250]: cold open with Dave and Executive Producer Jude Brennan / video:

(Dave): "NBC is giving Conan $40,000,000 to walk away. $40,000,000 to walk away! What do you think of that?"

(Jude): "If I give you $20, can I walk away?"

(Dave, accepting the dough): "Yeah. Sure. You want me to get you a cab?"

(roll opening montage)

(voice-over): "In 2010, Jay Leno stole The Tonight Show from Conan O'Brien. In 1992, he claimed the host's chair by forcing out the beloved Johnny Carson. And in 1961, a conniving Jay Leno managed to wrest control of The Tonight Show from Jack Paar."

(doctored clip of Jay interviewing Richard M. Nixon): "What the hell were you thinkin'?"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Jay Leno: A Look Back.' "

(graphic): KOIN local 6 - Portland, Vancouver, Salem

(clip): Conan on The Tonight Show

(clip): anchors Art Edwards, Kacey Montoya, Christine Ferreira and Carly Kennelly at the desk

(Kacey Montoya): "Conan has been offered $30,000,000 to walk away from his NBC contract."

(three female anchors, agreeing): "Team Conan!"

(Carly Kennelly): "I do like Jay Leno, though, but Conan's just hilarious."

(Kacey Montoya): "We're Team Letterman."

(Carly Kennelly, interrupting): "Actually, well... I won't say anything."

(Note: Thanks to reader David DiNucci for helping with the anchors' names.)

(Alan): "And thank you, Gutless. This week marks the one-year anniversary of President Barack Obama taking office. Well, has he met the expectations of voters over the past 12 months? Let's find out what the people have to say."

(Alan leaves his podium): "Follow me."

(Alan walks out of sight backstage.)

(Alan, returning): "The cameras didn't follow me outside did they?"

(Dave): "No. No, sorry."

(Alan): "I bust my ass for this show. I do. I do. I give a pound-and-a-half of flesh, but does anybody care? No! Because nobody here knows how to run a damn TV show. Well, you know what? I don't care, either. I don't care. I'll just go on autopilot, like the rest of you brain-dead morons. Damn!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Alan Kalter has been nominated for a Screen Actors Guild award in the category of Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series. Watch the Screen Actors Guild awards this Saturday night on TNT and TBS, and root for Alan! Back to you, Dave!"

1/21/10 [3251]: Scott Brown was elected Senator from Massachusetts on Tuesday. He has naughty pictures in Cosmopolitan on his resume. Dave has near-nekkid pictures of Senator Brown and Senator Chuck Schumer for us. Ewww. Not only that, he has video of Sen. Brown and his wife walking nekkid on a beach. (Cue slide whistle.) (x2) ••• Jay Leno is a shrewd negotiator. Dave has security cam footage of Jay settling his deal with an NBC executive. / video:

(scene from Collision Course, 1989)

Jay's holding Noriyuki "Pat" Morita by the collar, asking, "What the hell is that, some kind of code?" and slapping him around a little.

(more slapping)

(Jay): "Snap out of it!"

(photos of Mr. Daly)

(voice-over): "Carson Daly is a talk show host... or a comedian... or a VJ... or something like that, who has a show on NBC at 1:30 A.M... or maybe 2... I'm not really sure. I only saw him once, when my dog was up all night vomiting."

(photo of a dyspeptic Labrador Retriever)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Getting to Know Carson Daly.' "

(voice-over): "2010: Jay Leno's failure in prime time forces Conan O'Brien to step down as host of The Tonight Show. 1992: Jay begins his rise as host of The Tonight Show, forcing talk show legend Johnny Carson off the air."

(photo of a sad-looking Johnny)

(voice-over): "1989: Jay uses one of his vintage classic cars to force Jimmy Stewart off the road."

(clip of a car going off a California cliff)

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Jay Leno File.' "

• "Conan O'Brien's chin is so big, it was just hired as the new spokesman for Jenny Craig."
• "Conan O'Brien owns so many cars, every Valentine's Day he sends a floral arrangement to his mechanic."
• "Conan O'Brien's voice is so high-pitched, doctors use it to dissolve kidney stones."
• "Conan O'Brien is so old, every night when he finishes taping CBS's Late Show, his staff wraps him in mummy bandages and puts him in a sarcophagus."

Dave gives Joe the boot.

1/22/10 [3252]: interruption: Producer Brian Teta strolls onstage with a fast food order.

(Dave): "Oh, my God!"

(Brian): "They didn't have muffins, but I got you an apple fritter instead."

(Dave): "Did you go to Starbucks?"

(Brian): "Yeah."

(Dave): "You know, I didn't order, uh... point number one... number one... I didn't order anything from Starbucks. And B, we're right in the middle of a show."

(Brian does his wide-eyed look of terror.)

(Dave): "But thank you very much."

(Brian): Drops the merchandise on the stage floor and sprints out the back of the theater.

(voice-over): "In 1996, HBO gave us the critically-acclaimed movie about the late night wars, and now the story continues in Late Shift 2, a behind-the-scenes look at the struggle between Conan and Jay over the 11:35 time slot. Featuring Max von Sydow as David Letterman."

(Photoshopped combination of von Sydow and Dave)

(voice-over): "Late Shift 2: Coming soon to HBO."

1. By studying Egyptian mummies, scientists have discovered that most of them died from being tightly wrapped in cloth.
2. Criticize if you must, but 90% of women condemned at the Salem witch trials were, in fact, witches.
3. By law, a Keebler® Elf may be no taller than 3' 7".
4. The Hebrew version of the Beatles song, "Hello, Goodbye" is called "Shalom, Shalom."
5. According to the Mayan calendar, ladies drink free on Thursday.
6. Of all the Olympic athletes, curlers get the most action.

1/25/10: REPEAT FROM 1/07/10

1/26/10: REPEAT FROM 1/14/10

1/27/10: REPEAT FROM 1/12/10

1/28/10: REPEAT FROM 1/13/10

1/29/10: REPEAT FROM 1/06/10

2/01/10 [3253] [28^th ANNIVERSARY ON LATE NIGHT]: New York Post photo: New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is seen giving the finger to Miami Dolphin fans. ••• monologue: Dave announces the 28th anniversary. ••• monologue: The excitement on the show is bigger now. The audience is bigger. The printing on the cue cards is huge. (shot of Tony Mendez) ••• It's the return of the screaming girls whenever Fed chairman Ben Bernanke's name is uttered. (x 2) ••• Saddam Hussein's worthless, mass-murdering first cousin, Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti (Chemical Ali), was hanged by the neck until dead on January 25. / photo: Chemical Andy (Andy Dick) / Dave wonders if it's too soon to hit on his wife, Chemical Shirley. (The guy who killed NBC was Chemical Zucker.) ••• The new Senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was on with Barbara Walters over the weekend. / video: the naked beach clip ••• Barack Obama's first State of the Union Address was delivered on January 27. / video: The president is seen speaking for a few seconds, then we cut to a clip of George W. Bush entering the House chamber to deliver his State of the Union Address. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Denise in the audience says her wedding anniversary is Feb. 1, and she's seen every episode of Dave in late night. She's in the audience with her sister's husband. By the way, her 28th anniversary was in November. Dave's had enough. He gives her dinner for one at 21. ••• premiere of "Tonight's Gift the Audience Will Not Be Receiving"

(pans of the audience)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "That's right, Dave. Tonight nobody in the audience will receive this new Sharp® microwave oven!"

(scrim rises to reveal two beautiful models)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "This Sharp® R230-KK is an 800-watt compact microwave oven, featuring easy-to-use autotouch controls, turntable ensures even heating (though not for anyone in the audience)! The digital display, 15 automatic settings make cooking a snap, but you folks will have to take my word for it! Suggested retail price: $99.99! Back to you, Dave."

• Bruce is excited about the Winter Olympics.
• SPFX confetti
• clip of Bruce on the slopes in Sarajevo, 1984 (It's an uphill battle, but his competitors are nowhere to be seen. The clip includes gunplay.)
• Bruce demos his Amazing Exploding Underpants. (Liven up any party or dull business meeting.)

2/02/10 [3254]: monologue: Boy, was last night's audience ever hostile. In fact, when Dave came out, the entire audience gave him the Rex Ryan salute. / picture of Rex Ryan giving the finger on the front page of the New York Post ••• monologue: There's a Burger King® in Miami where you can get beer with your Whopper™. It's nothing new, really. People have beer and a hamburger all the time. / video: David Hasselhoff, drunk, eating a hamburger off a floor ••• monologue: The season premiere of Lost aired earlier tonight. There's a promo that responds to fans' frustration. / video:

(voice-over): "The final season of Lost begins tonight.ÊAll of your questions will finally be answered, such as 'What is Jack's destiny?',Ê'Who is Jacob?'Êand these questions as well:"

(graphic): "There's a very fast scroll of dozens of additional questions.

(clip of the groundhog men in their ridiculous hats)

(voice-over): "On February 2nd, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is the site of one of our nation's most-beloved traditions, Groundhog Day."

(clip of a huge crowd waiting to see if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow)

(voice-over): "On February 3rd, it becomes home to our country's most shameful practice: illegal groundhog fighting."

(photo of two groundhogs in a ring... one dead)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Groundhog Day: Did You Know?' "

(Dave, looking over at Dave Dorsett): "Are you alright?"

(Dave Dorsett, behind his Toyota-brand HD camera): "Yeah. I don't know what happened. This thing just took off on me!"

(Toyota has just recalled millions of cars with accelerator pedals that stick.)

2/03/10 [3255]: interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum appears onstage. She begins pouring a white powder in a neat circle around Dave. She exclaims, "I don't want that smoke monster to get you!" Dave eventually says, "Sue, that's enough. Thanks." "Fine. Let 'em kill you," she replies. (A Google search indicates that this has something to do with the season premiere of Lost last night. Well, the whole joke's lost on me, because I've never seen the show. Is that bad?) ••• monologue: "President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe he can get them to pass health care." ••• interruption: Mr. Biff Henderson shows up during the monologue, costumed as a Minnesota Viking fan. It seems he thinks they're in the Super Bowl on Sunday. Biff has some cute yellow braids, by the way. ••• "Effects of President Obama's Spending Freeze" / video:

(voice-over): "57 million dollars saved by abandoning a proposal to turn Mount Rushmore into a singing quartet."

(Cut to Mount Rushmore, where we see George, Thomas, Teddy and Abe singing the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way.")

(voice-over): "This has been 'Effects of President Obama's Spending Freeze.' "

(graphics and theme from Patton)

(movie scenes)

(voice-over): "The Stereoscopic Fusion 3D Camera System, The Liquid Metal Morphing Effect and The Vibrating Movie Seat."

(clip of a Late Show staffer bouncing around): "Holy crap. That's awesome!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'James Cameron's Technological Innovations.' "

(This was a repeat from December 15, 2009.)

(Dave): "The category tonight on the Top Ten..."

(Dave looks up at a monitor.)

(Dave): "You know who that is? That's one of our producers. That's Brian Teta. Hey, Brian, what's goin' on? We're right in the middle of a show here. Can I do somethin' for you?"

(Brian): "I'm going to Avatar after the show, and wanted to see if you wanted to come with me."

(Dave): "Uh, well, you know, I'd love to see Avatar. I understand it's fantastic, but I have some other plans, so maybe another night. And you're all dressed blue. That's cool!"

(Brian): "Huh! I didn't even realize I was blue. Look at that! You know, I have a severe nut allergy."

(Dave): "Oh, oh, that's what that is! OK... well, thank you very much. Brian Teta, ladies and gentlemen."

(Brian does his terrified stare.)

(Dave): "I'm sorry, Brian, you can go now."

(Brian): "I don't want to go back there."

(Dave): "What? What's the matter?"

(Brian): "The make-up department was not happy about making them paint my entire body blue."

(Dave, muttering): "Oh. I think it will be alright."

(Brian does his hilarious sprint off the set.) ••• Top Ten Reasons I'm Not on the Show Tonight (presented by Paris Hilton, onstage) ••• Sarah Silverman plugs The Sarah Silverman Program. ••• Jeremy Renner plugs The Hurt Locker. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Stay tuned for more hilarious videos of kitties playing the piano!" ••• "Pete Fatovich's Tales of Old Hollywood" / video:

("Hooray for Hollywood" theme song)

(Pete): "I know everybody loved him, but Spencer Tracy was a prick." (censored)

("Hooray for Hollywood" theme song)

••• Nneka sings. ••• full credits

2/04/10 [3256]: Toyota has recalled millions of cars. Some competing car companies are taking advantage. / video:

(voice-over): "Toyota is recalling over eight million vehicles for gas pedal-related issues, with more still to be recalled for braking problems. In light of this announcement, and to show how committed we are to remaining competitive with industry leader Toyota, effective immediately, Chrysler is removing the brakes from every one of our cars. A message from Chrysler."

••• Rip Torn, equally well-known as Patches O'Houlihan, got so drunk over the weekend that he broke into a Connecticut bank which he thought was his home. / video: It's a highly-intoxicated David Hasselhoff, eating a hamburger off a floor. ••• interruption: A young guy, probably an intern, approaches Dave during the monologue to ask if he'd like to place a wager on the Super Bowl. Dave puts $10 in the pool. The dude has to ask Dave his name. ••• monologue:

(Dave): "There's a new Osama bin Laden video. (What's he doing, working at Blockbuster?) There's always a new Osama bin Laden video. In this one he's worrying about global warming. Osama bin Laden: very conscientious fellow. And he's blaming the United States for global warming, and I just thought to myself, 'Well, you know, wait a minute! This guy thinks it's warm now, wait 'til he gets to hell!' "

••• Scott Brown was sworn in today as the new Senator from Massachusetts. He's a former go-go boy and naked model. / video:

(C-SPAN video): "Ms. Boxer of California. Ms. Boxer votes yes. Mr. Brown of Massachusetts. Mr. Brown votes no. Mr. Brown, would you kindly put your pants back on? Mr. Schumer of New York. Mr. Schumer votes yes. Mr. Schumer, would you kindly put your pants back on? Mr. Brownback of Kansas..."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "A Brief History of the New Orleans Saints" / video:

(voice-over): "Many people believe the New Orleans Saints' name comes from the jazz standard, 'When the Saints Go Marching In,' but in reality, their name is a tribute to Saint Thomas Aquinas, who invented the vaunted Cover 2 defense. This has been 'A Brief History of the New Orleans Saints.' "

••• CBS wants younger people to watch the Late Show. Tonight, in an attempt to lure in the kiddies, we have Cartoon Dave, who appears on top of Dave's desk to tell a New York City rat joke. Dave repeatedly squishes Cartoon Dave with the bottom of the desk microphone. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Scott Brown's First Day in the Senate ••• Dave squishes Cartoon Dave a few more times. ••• Jamie Foxx plugs Valentine's Day. ••• Amanda Seyfried plugs Dear John. ••• Robin Thicke (Alan's kid) (with special guest Nicki Minaj) sings.

2/05/10 [3257]: monologue: Now in Miami you can get beer at a Burger King™, which is a fine excuse to once again air the tape of David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off a floor in May 2007. ••• We've been treated to yet another video from that worthless Osama bin Laden. / video:

(Osama): "Jay, we've got you back where we want you: at 11:35. Death to America, and death to Zucker."

••• monologue: "A guy who's going on a flight decides to take 44 lizards along in his underpants. He makes it through security. A bomb in your underpants?" (Oops. Tony Mendez flipped the cue card before Dave read the punch line. We have a cue card do-over.) "Bomb in your underpants? No problem!" ••• Saddam Hussein's worthless, mass-murdering first cousin, Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti (Chemical Ali), was hanged by the neck until dead on January 25. He was sentenced to death four times. They have a weird judicial system in Iraq. / video:

(voice-over): "Chemical Ali has been executed. His crimes were so heinous that he was actually given four death sentences, so that means we get to kill him three more times!"

(Roll clips of the executions to follow.)

(voice-over): "February 8th, we'll set him on fire. February 12th, we'll blow him up. And then on Valentine's Day, we'll feed him to a snake. The Many Deaths of Chemical Ali: A Ron Delsener Production."

••• We get the 2010 census forms this year. The Census Bureau has a promotional announcment. / video:

(voice-over): "The 2010 U.S. census is underway. It's easy to participate.

• Fill out the 74-page form that you'll receive in the mail. Do not omit any sections, or it won't be counted.
• Bring your completed form to the nearest of five regional Census Registration Centers.
• Get in the line for your state.
• Within a few hours,
  • a Census worker will review your form with you,
  • assign you a 12-digit case number, and
  • tell you what documentation to bring with you to your hearing at Census Bureau headquarters in Maryland.
• Be sure to clearly mark yourself with your case number on the day of your hearing.

A panel of Census officials will check your documentation, and if everything's in order, you will then be counted and given your 2010 population number.

• Subtract your population number from your case number to get your personal exit code, that will allow you to leave the building.
• That's it. You're done!

The U.S. Census Bureau. It's so advanced, it's simple."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the Indiana connection in the Super Bowl. ••• desk chat: Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, and then Paul Shaffer's We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Coach Before the Super Bowl ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has a fine collection of critters, including a baby black bear, a baby anteater, an owl monkey and a tapir. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Good news! I'm no longer on parole!" ••• more Jack Hanna: a baby black-footed penguin ••• The Swell Season sing.

2/08/10 [3258]: interruption: Biff Henderson strolls onstage during the monologue. He wants to know if Jay Leno's still there. Biff has missed his chance to give Jay a hilarious headline. ••• outside cam: We're in on the unveiling of the billboard on 53rd Street of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit model cover. Wait. Oh, no. The model is Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, and he's nekkid! ••• OK... now we have this straightened out. / outside cam: The swimsuit model on Sports Illustrated is Brooklyn Decker. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Drew Brees hasn't arrived. He's stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel. ••• desk chat: Dave tells the story of producing the surprise Super Bowl XLIV ad with him, Oprah and Jay Leno, and he thanks the actors who played those celebrities in the 18-second ad. Oh, Dave's just goofing around. It was really Jay and Oprah, and Jay wore a disguise to sneak into the Ed. ••• "David Letterman's Network Time Killer": Dave plays catch with a football with the horn section, and with Sandra Bullock, who sneaks out early. ••• Top Ten Indianapolis Colts Excuses ••• "David Letterman's Network Time Killer": Dave now plays catch with writer Bill Scheft. ••• news clip: Another staffer playing catch killed much more time than intended. Dave shows tape of Biff running toward the audience to catch a pass. He trips on the steps of the stage, and has to be taken to a hospital in an ambulance. Biff reportedly was treated and released from the hospital. ••• Super Bowl XLIV MVP Drew Brees interview (and playing a little catch, of course) ••• green room cam: It's Drew's lovely wife and young son. ••• Sandra Bullock plugs The Blind Side in multiple segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us again tomorrow..." ••• more Sandra Bullock ••• Dave announces that Josh Turner was bumped.

2/09/10 [3259]: monologue: Dave claims he has his jokes written on his hand, since Sarah Palin was caught with writing on her hand the other day. / phony close-up: "Lenscrafters. Clean rifle. Look at Russia." ••• monologue: Washington, D. C. has received two feet of snow, with more heavy snow on the way. / Photoshop fun: Abraham Lincoln's statue left work early to beat the traffic. ••• Coyotes are being spotted in Manhattan. / hilarious animation: That thing on Donald Trump's head is howling at the moon! ••• While Washington, D. C. is buried in snow, Vancouver, British Columbia (home of the Winter Olympics) isn't getting any. There is a back-up plan. / video:

(voice-over): "Vancouver isn't getting any snow, so the 2010 Winter Olympics are moving to a city that's getting another 12 to 18 inches this week: Washinton, D. C. Now you can look forward to exciting events like this."

(animation of an idiot ski jumping off the Capitol dome)

(audio): blood-curdling scream

(voice-over): "The 2010 Winter Olympics. Washinton, D. C.: We got your snow."

••• The Tea Party group had a convention in Nashville. Sarah Palin was the keynote speaker. She received $100,000 in pelts. / video:

(video from the convention)

(voice-over): "The Tea Party movement preaches fiscal conservatism, yet they paid Sarah Palin $100,000 to give a speech. So what did they get for their $100,000?"

(C-SPAN video of Palin): "If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't be in the circus."

(voice-over): "Palin. Worth every penny."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Late Show had gone injury free for years and years. Yesterday, camera man Steve Kaufman slipped and fell backstage, hit his chin and needed 24 stitches. An ambulance came. While Steve was being taken care of, Biff Henderson went out for a football pass, since Drew Brees was late in arriving. He tripped on the stage steps and partially tore a tendon. / video of Biff on a gurney outside, on the way to "St. Luke's Roosevelt Hotel" ••• [Andy Kindler comes out to set up "Andy Kindler at Super Bowl XLIV." We see Andy with various fans and tailgaiters, Deion "Prime Time" Sanders, Mike "The Situation" and Pauly D of Jersey Shore, Emmitt Smith, Queen Latifah, Rob Lowe, Carrie Underwood, field judge Rob Vernatchi (almost), Lennox Lewis, Kim Kardashian, Pete Townshend, Reggie Bush (not even close), Jonathan Goodwin, Demario Pressley, Marvin Mitchell and a speech by Sedrick Ellis.] ••• Jennifer Garner plugs Valentine's Day. ••• 2010 Sports Illustrated cover model Brooklyn Decker ••• Sade sings. ••• Michael Z. McIntee voices over "Ferguson" when Dave does his usual sign-off. I'm no lip reader, but it looked like Dave forgot and said "Craig Kilborn is next."

2/10/10 [3260]: opening montage: In response to a big snowfall in New York, the opening montage has snow all over. Every bumper tonight includes an outside shot of snow falling. ••• Dave wanted to enter the stage behind a team of Husky dogs, but they couldn't pull it off. Instead we're treated to an outside cam view of a courageous entrance from 53rd Street by a stage manager. (missed his name) ••• monologue: The kind of snow we're having can really be hard on animals and pets. / video: That thing on Donald Trump's head shakes off all the snow (like a doggie does). ••• There's been a lot of discussion over the discovery that Sarah Palin had written some thoughts for a speech on her hand. / Photoshop fun: "Hitch dogsled. Buy Chapstick™. Clean rifle." ••• "Snowmageddon or Snowpocalypse?" / video: Anchors and reporters from parts unknown (and the President of the United States) use their favorite nickname for the heavy snowfall being dumped on New York. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave thanks the brave audience members who showed up. ••• Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Survivor (presented onstage by 10 veteran castaways from Survivor: Heroes and Villains, which begins tomorrow) / (Presenters include Jerri Manthey, Russell Hantz, Stephenie LaGrossa, Parvati Shallow, Rob Mariano, Tom Westman, Cirie Fields, James "JT" Thomas, Jr., Colby Donaldson and Rupert Boneham.) ••• misbehavior: Dave throws a bunch of snowballs at the backdrop. ••• Jessica Biel tells us about growing up in the snow in Boulder, Colorado, and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Her appearance is marked by fake snowfall, Darlene Love style. Jessica eventually gets the chance to plug Valentine's Day. ••• Christoph Walz plugs Inglourious Basterds. ••• Josh Turner sings.

2/11/10 [3261]: interruption: Gene Szymanski shows up with one of those little spreaders you use for fertilizer, or in this case, salt. In a take-off of Sue Hum's Lost stunt from Feb. 3, he makes a circle of salt around our host.

(Dave): "Gene. Gene, what are you doin'?"

(Gene): "There's a lot of ice from the big blizzard."

(Dave): "I know. But, maybe you ought to concentrate on the sidewalks."

(Gene):"Look... you stick to what you know... whatever that is."

(Gene makes his way offstage.)

(The segment looks cool if you back up the videotape. It's like a salt circle eraser.)

••• Today is the fourth anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting his friend, Harry Whittington, in the face on a hunting trip. Dave reminds us that Cheney did the right thing. He tied the guy to his roof and drove him back to his house. / Photoshop fun: We see Mr. Whittington's head above a fireplace, like a moose in a lodge. ••• Sarah Palin wrote some thoughts for a speech on her hand the other day. She has new notes for today's activities. / Photoshop fun: "1. Blow out candles. 2. Eat cake. 3. Clean rifle." ••• There's lots of talk about enrichment of nuclear material in Iran. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has issued a clarification. / video:

(photo of a missile)

(voice-over by the guy who does Osama): "Recently there have been reports that Iran has gone nuclear. However, this is a misunderstanding. What Mahmoud Ahmadinejad actually announced is that Iran has gone NU-CLEAR™: the amazing new cleaner that gets your windows crystal clear, without streaks. Use NU-CLEAR™ on all your windows, in your home, your car, your boat... even your uranium enrichment facility. NU-CLEAR™. Available at Rite Aid, Walgreen's and Caldor."

(clip of Armageddon)

••• Toyota has recalled about four million cars, because when you step on the accelerator, it doesn't come back up. The car takes off like a rocket! Toyota has an announcement about how they're solving the problem. / video:

(clip of that funny-looking Toyota logo on a building)

(voice-over): "Toyota is deeply sorry for the problems that have been discovered in both the accelerators and brakes of our cars. That's why we're asking customers to bring your Toyotas to your local dealership for a simple modification that's guaranteed to keep your car from speeding out of control."

(clip of a Toyota trudging down a highway with square wheels)

(voice-over): "Toyota. It's Japanese for 'Toyota.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: snow / Dave claims that the diminutive Mayor Bloomberg may have been carried off by a coyote. ••• medical emergency: Dave announces that, "A big wad of spit came flyin' out of my mouth." Touchdown! ••• interruption: A young male staffer wants to know if tonight's show will be canceled. Dave informs him that the show is on. He's disappointed, as in his opinion the show blows. ••• Benicio Del Toro presents the Top Ten Surprises in "The Wolfman." ••• Regis and Joy Philbin interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan Kalter says, "Hey, ladies. Big Red is still available to be your Valentine." ••• Elizabeth Banks plugs 30 Rock. ••• Regis and Joy Philbin sing Burt Bacharach's "This Guy's in Love with You."

2/12/10 [3262]: Republicans got Valentine's candy for Barack Obama. / photo: They're little hearts with "YOU LIE" and "NOT TRUE." ••• It's dog show time in New York City. How do we know? / animation: It's Donald Trump's hair, barking. ••• Super Bowl commercials are wildly expensive, so two companies went together to split the cost. / video:

(photos of old people)

(male voice-over): "Are you looking for a snack chip that unlocks the bold and unique flavors you crave?"

(female voice-over): "...and a medication that allows you to be ready anytime the mood is right?"

(male voice-over): "Then try Doritos..."

(female voice-over): "...and Cialis,"

(male voice-over): "...America's number-one choices for spicing up snack time..."

(female voice-over): "...and bedtime."

(female voice-over): "Consult a physician if you experience blurred vision..."

(male voice-over): "...zestiness,"

(female voice-over): "...shortness of breath,"

(male voice-over): "...Nacho cheesiness,"

(female voice-over): "...headache,"

(male voice-over): "...or a crunchtastic sensation..."

(female voice-over): "...that lasts longer than four hours."

(male voice-over): "Doritos..."

(female voice-over): "...and Cialis."

(male voice-over): "Crunch..."

(female voice-over): "...and fornicate..."

(male voice-over): "...all you want. We'll make more!"

••• Dave wouldn't give Toyota's troubles to a monkey on a rock. Toyota has a commercial to address their recall of four million cars. / video:

(voice-over): "Toyota is committed to building top-quality products. We're working hard to resolve our current issues, so we can regain your trust."

(animation): An "O" from Toyota lettering on the side of their headquarters falls smack onto the roof of a car parked below. The vehicle bursts into flames, and is presumably destroyed.

(voice-over): "A message from Toyota."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Late Show Olympic Fun Facts" / Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, which Gaines reports is now $7.89 from Amazon.

• It's impossible not to feel like an idiot when saying the word slalom.
• glass-breaking FX: "You are under my power."
• Due to a puck shortage, the 1984 hockey events used chicken pot pies.
• Brooms are used in the events curling and tidying.
• Yo momma's so fat, when she competes in the luge, they call it the huge.
• Al Gore predicts there will be no more Winter Olympics by the year 2018.
• glass-breaking FX: "You are under my power."
• There used to be six Olympic rings, but one was bought by Kobe Bryant to give to his wife.

••• Top Ten Money-Saving Valentine's Day Tips ••• Jeff Bridges plugs Crazy Heart. (Did you know his dad was Mike Nelson?) ••• outside cam: a shot of the marquee ••• interruption: A young guy approaches to ask Dave how much longer he's going to keep doing this (doodoo). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan Kalter says, "I wish you could smell how minty fresh my breath is." ••• Joe Wong does stand-up. ••• The Soft Pack sing.

2/15/10 [3263]: It's time again for the Westminster Kennel Club show in Madison Square Garden. There was trouble at the show yesterday. / video:

(clips): Cute doggies are going through their paces when out of nowhere, a wolfman appears and starts messin' people up. Maybe it's from the current movie. I don't know. I didn't see it.

••• There's a big feud going on between Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, as each of them is showing up on news programs. It's petty stuff. When Joe Biden moved in, he closed Cheney's dungeon in the White House. / Cue Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee (which we hadn't heard since Dec. 16). ••• Joe Biden was on Face the Nation yesterday, which brings us to "Congested Politician of the Night." / video: It's an edited montage of the vice-president's coughs and wheezes. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the death of 21-year-old luge racer, Nodar Kumaritashvili, of Georgia. He says, "Don't blame the kid." ••• Building Engineer George Clarke and Head Stagehand Pat Farmer are in the lobby to race elevators to 11th floor. "What's the trick?" Dave inquires. "Hit the right button," George explains. A camera's waiting on the 11th floor. George comes screaming out of his elevator, and is first to hit a call bell on a receptionist's counter. / replay / models with the medal presentation / "It's stupid, isn't it," Dave observes. ••• desk chat: One week ago today, while everyone was waiting for Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees to arrive, Biff Henderson went out for a pass, fell on the stage steps and ruptured a quadriceps tendon. He had an operation on Friday, and is out for about six weeks. Get well soon, Biff. ••• Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say if He Were Alive Today / #9. "If you think Regis is crazy now, you should have seen him in college!" ••• Tracy Morgan plugs Cop Out. I tuned him out very quickly. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Daytona 500 winner Jamie McMurray ••• Fanfarlo sing.

2/16/10 [3264]: Kim Jong-Il is 68 years old today. What should you give him for a gift? You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses. / photo of the no-good dictator wearing an especially rad pair ••• monologue: Dave complains that NBC's being stingy with footage of Bode Miller winning the bronze in the Winter Olympics in downhill skiing yesterday. / "Late Show Winter Olympic Highlight" (about ½ second of the event) ••• "Stormwatch 2010 Recap" / video: It's clips of a bunch of anchors and meteorologists making jokes and puns with the word snow. / video:

• "Say it ain't snow."
• "Snow more."
• "Snow news is good news."
• "Snow kidding."
• "Snow joke."
• "Snow way."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Stupid Pet Tricks" /

1. Noriko Aso and her Shetland sheep dog, Misha, are from Gardena, California. Misha blows bubbles in a water dish.
2. Sandy Mason and her Maltese, Ava, are from Nashville, via Pittsburgh. Dave's extremely excited, because we have a talking dog, ladies and gentlemen. Ava's supposed to say "I love you." She never quite gets there.
3. Dawn Goehring and her rat terrior, Iki, are from Tennessee. Iki jumps rope with Dawn.

(I swiped the correct spelling of a couple of names from the Wahoo Gazette.) ••• Sir Ben Kingsley plugs Shutter Island. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mary J. Blige sings, and has a brief visit with Dave.

2/17/10 [3265]: The snow brings out the best in everybody. / animation: Jay Leno's out on a little jalopy snow plow, doing his neighbors' driveways. ••• Dave wants to talk about Olympic men's figure skating. It takes incredible athletic ability, but why do they all have to look like Edward Scissorhands? / video: Alan Kalter's wearing one of those gaudy outfits as he awaits his figure skating score. Oops. Plushenko is first, at 90.85. Takahashi is second at 90.25, and Alan is in third place at 84.63. Better luck next time, Big Red! ••• Sadie, a Scottish terrier, won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show yesterday. She celebrated all night. / photo: It's Nick Nolte's booking, from September 2002. ••• King Tut died 3,000 years ago. Some experts are taking another look at his carcass. If he were still alive today, this is what he'd look like: (Nick Nolte's booking photo) ••• Kim Jong-Il celebrated his birthday yesterday by seeing Avatar with his friends. / Photoshop fun: It's the no-good dictator wearing his rad sunglasses, alongside a theater audience wearing 3-D glasses. ••• Our pals at NBC are being stingy with footage of the Winter Olympics, but Dave managed to get something, at least. / "Late Show Winter Olympics Highlight" / video: (about ½ second of last night's figure skating) ••• There was an online poll to name America's favorite pretend president. We have "America's Favorite Fake Presidents." / video:

(Cue pretentious music.)

(Cue movie clips.)

(voice-over): "Thirty-eight percent rated Harrison Ford as their favorite fake president. Twenty-one percent said Michael Douglas, and 13% said their favorite fake president was George W. Bush. This has been 'America's Favorite Fake Presidents.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Senator Evan Bayh has announced that he will not seek re-election. / video:

(voice-over): "Democratic Senator Evan Bayh has announced that he won't seek re-election. Now Indiana voters must decide which naked male model should replace him. Cast your vote at cosmopolitan.com. One lucky voter will receive a romantic beach getaway with the winner. The U. S. Senate: Nothing runs like a Deere."

••• A team of assassins used disguises to sneak into a hotel in Dubai to kill a terrorist. / security camera video, via CNN:

(voice-over): "Minute-by-minute, this is the lead-up to the assassination of one of the founding members of Hamas, all captured on a Dubai hotel's security cameras. Wanted for questioning are 10 men and one woman, including the two assassins disguised as tennis players, who boarded this elevator, and this odd hotel guest, who was riding a second elevator."

(video of Dave in a Late Show jacket, mugging for the security camera)

(voice-over): "Unfortunately, their identities may never be known."

(CNN graphic)

••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Curling ••• Ewan McGregor plugs The Ghost Writer. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Abby Elliott plugs Saturday Night Live. She has amusing anecdotes about our old friend, Chris Elliott. For example, we learn that Abby was conceived in a Sheraton hotel after the Emmy Awards in September of 1986. Dave announced Abby's birth on Late Night with David Letterman on June 17, 1987, one day after the big event. Dave wonders if Chris might be somewhat of a stage dad. We don't have to guess very long. / green room cam: It's Chris Elliott himself, hanging on every word Abby has for Dave. Also in the green room is Ewan McGregor. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mumford & Sons sing.

2/18/10 [3266]: monologue: Dave takes a moment to recognize two members of the USA 2-man bobsled team. ••• interruption: "Excuse me," someone says off camera, over and over. Dave eventually notices. A camera finds two other distinguished men in the audience, wearing matching USA jackets. When called upon, one of them says, "We're the 2-man bobsled team." Ummm, no, they're not. They're none other than Creative Directors, Digital Media Jay Johnson and Walter Kim of Late Show with David Letterman. ••• monologue:

Dave: "Yeah, so Toyota owners now complaining that they (have) no brakes, no brakes, no steering while driving, you hit the accelerator and the thing takes off like a bat outta hell. Toyota's official response said, 'Well, that's what the horn's for.' "

••• MLB spring training has begun. Guess what! The New York Mets have signed Muntadar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi wise guy who threw shoes at George W. Bush. / video ••• monologue:

"Big news tomorrow from the world of sports: Tiger Woods making a televised public apology. Televised public apology tomorrow. He needs three more to tie my record."

••• Tiger's announcement is going to be at the PGA headquarters in Florida. We have live video of Tiger driving to PGA Headquarters. / via CBS satellite: It's one of Shecky's car wreck clips. (I'm not sure if the car or the tree was the winner.) ••• The Dalai Lama visited the White House today, and we have "Presidential Update." / video:

(intro music and clips)

(voice-over): "Today President Barack Obama met with exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, to discuss global issues. Meanwhile, in Texas, George W. Bush got stuck in the garage door."

(photo of our former president being squished something awful by a two-car garage door)

(voice-over): "This has been a 'Presidential Update.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam to 53rd Street: We see a 1994 Lincoln Mark VIII parked on the sidewalk next to the Ed Sullivan Theater, minding its own business. (I played dead on that very sidewalk for a Tony Mendez Show episode on June 14, 2007.) Head Stagehand Pat Farmer and Tommy O'Brien are on the roof, up 90 feet. (Remember when Tommy O'Brien played the Late Show Bear?) (By the way, in one shot we see an ambulance parked just down the street, just in case.) The Lincoln is $2,500 worth of automobile. / Weather Report: 39° F, humidity: 59%, barometer: 29.61 (steady), wind: NW 14 MPH, visibility: 10 miles / Pat drops a 44-pound curling stone just right on the sun roof. The stone breaks the sun roof and bounces off, rolling down the hood. Pat drops another stone, and this one goes perfectly through the sun roof. / After commercial: We have a couple of takes from inside the Lincoln. / Pat drops a bowling ball on the windshield (bullseye!) and the rear window (close enough), as the CBSO plays "Great Balls of Fire." Isn't Sweeps Month just the best!? ••• Scarlett Johansson plugs her Broadway play, Arthur Miller's A View from the Bridge. ••• Keith Olbermann ••• Daniel Merriweather sings.

2/19/10 [3267]: "Dave and Jay: A Comparison" / video:

(clips of Leno driving antique cars)

(voice-over): "Every day, Jay Leno drives to work in a different classic car, from his collection of more than 100 of the world's finest vehicles."

(voice-over): "Meanwhile, David Letterman drives to work in this."

(clip from 12/17/09 of Dave motoring around the Late Show set in the $25,000 Customized Cupcake Car from Nieman Marcus)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

••• Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Joe Biden removed Dick Cheney's dungeon at the White House. (Cue Will Lee with the blood-curdling scream.) ••• photo: Dick Cheney as the evil doctor from Shutter Island. / (Will Lee screaming again) ••• Some Winter Olympics athletes have been kicked out for drug use, which brings us to "2010 Olympics Disqualifications." / video:

(Olympics clips)

(voice-over): "Two members of the Russian bobsled team have been disqualified after testing positive for steroids. One German speed skater has been disqualified for the stimulant pseudoephedrine, and one member of the Swiss ski team has been disqualified for murder."

(movie clip of a ski slope murder)

••• Wolfman, with Benicio Del Toro, opened last weekend. A sequel is already being planned. / video:

(Wolfman clips)

(voice-over): "The wolfman is gone, but when the full moon rises, a new and even more terrifying beast stalks villagers in the night."

(clip of Howie Mandel as Wolfmandel, with eyes changing color and growing fangs, of course)

(voice-over): "Wolfmandel. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "The 2010 Late Show Winter Games" / Tonight it's Speed Dialing with Rupert Jee at Hello Deli and receptionist Art Kelly upstairs. Each will try to be the first to dial Dave's desk phone. (Dave's gimmick dial phone has been replaced with a real Touch Tone phone for tonight.) / Rupert wins, with an elapsed time of :08! The control room calls it :10. A model brings in a gold medal for Rupert. ••• "Fun Facts" /

• Velcro™ was invented in 1941.
• The actual name of the big toe is the hallux.
• Stephen King accidentally wrote the same book twice.
• Replace toner cartridge soon.
• Gerald Ford is the only man to have served as president of the United States and the Soupy Sales Fan Club.
• (five rejected facts tonight)
• To save time, Andy Dick now walks around with a mugshot number hanging from his neck.

••• upstairs cam: Rupert's now on the 12th floor at Art's desk. Dave makes him pretend to take a call. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win an Olympic Gold Medal ••• Hello Deli cam: Art Kelly's now at Rupert's post next door (but he doesn't know how to cook.) ••• more Top Ten entries ••• Nicole Richie plugs her fashion collection, and announces her engagement. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he's decided to count and name the floaters in his eyes. ••• Dave prank calls Rupert upstairs. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Papa does stand-up. ••• Tom Papa sits down with Dave for a bit. ••• with short credits: shots of Rupert Jee and Art Kelly

2/22/10: REPEAT FROM 2/02/10

2/23/10: REPEAT FROM 2/04/10

2/24/10: REPEAT FROM 2/01/10

2/25/10: REPEAT FROM 2/08/10

2/26/10: REPEAT FROM 1/21/10

3/01/10 [3268]: interruption: Gene Szymanski strolls onstage with a CO₂ fire extinguisher. He's ready for action, because Dave is on fire tonight. ••• Yesterday was the gold medal Olympic hockey match between the United States and Canada. The Canadians won the gold. Dave complains that the rat bastards at NBC won't give him any footage. No problem. The Late Show has "Olympic Highlight Simulation." / video: Animated stick figures demonstrate the exciting final goal. ••• Sarah Palin appeared on Hannity, which brings us to "Is It a Satellite Delay?" / video:

(theme music)

(split screen of Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin, via satellite)

(Hannity): "Governor, it looks like a winter wonderland. How cold is it there?"

(4.53-second delay)

(Palin): "It's about 20 degrees."

(Hannity): "Do you think today went a long way perhaps reassuring that base that they're back to their conservative values?"

(4.36-second delay)

(Palin): "I really think so."

(Hannity): "We appreciate your being with us, and thank you for joining us."

(4.5-second delay)

(Palin): "Hey, thanks so much. Anytime, Sean."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to comment on the Winter Olympics. It's not much more than a lot of athletes applying Chapstick®. Dave's a little irritated over the hockey loss yesterday. He proposes that the United States of America should take over Canada. Uh oh. We saw this coming down Broadway. Dave begins singing "O Canada," the Canadian national anthem. Clearly there wasn't much time to rehearse.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love, in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land, glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

••• Top Ten Signs You Have Winter Olympics Withdrawal ••• interruption: Gene Szymanski gives Dave the Richard Simmons treatment once again. ••• Bill Murray, the very first guest on Late Night and the Late Show, is Dave's first guest in the late night wars. He hobbles out on crutches, all bundled up in a heavy coat. Bill claims that he crashed and burned in the Olympics, and he has the phony footage to prove it! Dave worries that Bill should elevate his left leg, since his knee was 'scoped recently, so a sling is lowered from the rafters for our brave guest. (In truth, he injured his knee skiing at Sundance in January.) Bill eventually reveals that there's truth to the tale that there will be a Ghostbusters 3. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• green room cam: Team Canada hockey players Sidney Crosby and Zach Parise (or whoever is playing them) get into quite a brawl downstairs in the green room. ••• Ludacris sings.

3/02/10 [3269]: interruption: Executive Producer Jude Brennan, as a civilian, shows up unexpectedly. She upstages Dave and goes right to the camera.

(Jude, sternly): "Put it out. Put it out right now!"

(Dave): "I'm...I'm sorry. What... what are you doing?"

(Jude): "I'm trying to help President Obama quit smoking."

(Dave): "Oh."

••• "CBS AFFILIATE DOS AND DON'Ts" / video:

(old-time, peppy intro music)

(DO from KPSP 2): "Thanks so much for joining us. Stay tuned for the Late Show with David Letterman.

(DON'T from Alan Marsden of KHSL, Chico, California): "Right after this newscast, you'll see an old face in a familiar place. Jay Leno..."

("No" buzzer)

••• "Olympic Highlight Simulation" / video: stick animation of Evan Lysacek winning gold ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We've all heard about the troubles and recalls with Toyota cars that run away. President and CEO Akio Toyoda is onstage to address the American public.

(Toyoda, translated from Japanese): "I am Akio Toyoda of Toyota Motor Corporation. As a man who loves cars, particularly Toyota cars, I come before you today ashamed of the shortcomings that have led to our recent recalls. I am deeply sorry."

(bows deeply)

(Toyoda, yelling): "I am sick and tired of apologizing to the United States of America."

(Toyoda, pointing to Dave): "And you. You killed Conan. I want an airbag to explode and kill you! Good night."

••• via satellite from Los Angeles: Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek presents the Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Evan Lysacek's Mind During His Gold Medal Ice Skating Routine. ••• Mitt Romney ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The beautiful and charming Mia Wasikowska plugs Alice in Wonderland.

3/03/10 [3270]: The FAA is not pleased. On both Feb. 16 and 17, a tower air traffic controller at JFK International brought his kids past security, and they were heard passing on landing and departure instructions. / audio from Feb. 17:

(Pilot): "403 clear for takeoff. Thank you very much, and have a great day."

(Cat): "Meow."

(Pilot): "Cleared for takeoff. JetBlue 171.

(Cat): "Meow, meow."

(Pilot): "Contact departure Aeromexico 403. Adios."

(Cat): "Meow."

••• interruption: Our friend Alan Kalter is all beat up. Big Red's handsome face is wrecked. His tie is off to the side. When Dave checks with him, Alan explains, "I was walking down the street and accidentally made eye contact with Naomi Campbell." ••• The main runway of JFK International Airport will be shut down for four months. There's a solution, so it will all be fine. / animation: We see three heavy jets stacked on top of each other on their takeoff roll. They rotate, separate from each other and are on their way into the wild blue yonder. ••• New York Governor Eliot Spitzer left office when it was learned that he enjoyed whores. Now various media are reporting "sexcapades" involving Governor David Paterson. The state government has put out a special announcement. / video:

(clip of Eliot Spitzer and his long-suffering wife)

(voice-over): "Two years ago, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned amid scandal."

(clip of David Paterson)

(voice-over): "Now Governor David Paterson may also be stepping down. To escape from obvious turmoil clouding the office, New York has decided to go without any state government whatsoever."

(clip of anarchy, arson and rioting)

(voice-over): "So come to New York, and go nuts! New York: King of Beers."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Barbara Walters presents the Top Ten Reasons Barbara Walters Won't Be Doing Any More Academy Awards Specials. ••• Jerry Seinfeld does stand-up and visits with Dave to plug his new show, The Marriage Ref. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Brokaw

3/04/10 [3271]: The FAA's all worked up about kids directing air traffic at JFK International in February. Meanwhile, we have a little guy running the city. / Photoshop fun: It's 5' 5" mayor Michael Bloomberg by a fire plug, and about four inches taller. ••• Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland will open tomorrow. We have a picture of two of the characters, Tweedledee and Tweedledum. / photo: Hmm. Looks more like Dick Cheney and George W. Bush to me. ••• The Today show is featuring TV show reunions this week. / video:

(voice-over): "If you've enjoyed Today's cast reunions of classic television programs like Eight Is Enough,"

(photos of the casts)

(voice-over): "...The Partridge Family and 227, tune in Friday for a very special event: the long-awaited reunion of the cast of Bonanza.

(photo of skeletons in Western shirts and/or vests)

(voice-over): "Tomorrow on Today."

••• We have the big premiere of Alice in Wonderland tomorrow. / video:

(clips from the movie)

(voice-over): "From Walt Disney Pictures comes the tale of a hallucinating woman who spends her days seeing odds shapes and colors, and imagining she's talking to magical forest dwellers."

(clip of Paula Abdul): "Is that what it is?" I was wondering 'What is that?' "

(voice-over): "The Paula Abdul Story. In theaters everywhere tomorrow."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows the gold medal winning U.S. men's Olympic bobsled team on the cover of Sports Illustrated. ••• desk chat: We have West Point cadets in the audience tonight. Dave has Eddie Brill deliver Worldwide Pants Incorporated coins to each of them. (Eddie almost crashes and burns on the stage steps, just like Biff did.) Dave shows a West Point coin he received from one of them. ••• The gold medal-winning members of the U.S. men's bobsled team (brakeman Curt Tomasevicz, driver Steven Holcomb, push athlete Steve Mesler and push athlete Justin Olsen) present the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy in Your Bobsled. ••• Tom Hanks plugs The Pacific. ••• video: "Biff Visits a Movie Set" (Cop Out, with Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis) ••• Spoon sing.

3/05/10 [3272]: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland opened tonight. Dave says, "Wait 'til you see the Mad Hatter, with the clown face and the orange hair. It's crazy. You're not going to believe." (shot of Alan Kalter, Big Red himself, looking displeased) "No, wait a minute... no." ••• Dave saw an advance copy of the movie. He brings up the tea party scene, where everyone's all wacky and nutty. Here it is. / video:

(Fox News clip of Sarah Palin): "How's that hokey stuff working out for you?"

••• interruption: "Todd" shows up during the monologue.

(Todd): "Excuse me."

(Dave, startled): "Oh, my God! Yikes! Yeah, what can I do for you?"

(Todd): "Did you get an invitation to my Academy Awards party for Sunday night?"

(Dave): "Uh... you're Todd, right?

(Todd): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Yeah. Uh, no, I don't think I did."

(Todd): "OK. Good. Just making sure."

••• announcement: Dave would like to mention that this is his 14th straight year of not hosting the Academy Awards. ••• In the Moscow Zoo, many of the chimpanzees, organgutans and great apes are addicted to alcohol and tobacco. They've opened a rehab center for the addicted monkeys. That's good, but Dave hates it when somebody finds out about something like that and decides to commercialize on it to make a little moolah. Look at this. / video:

(scene from a bar)

(voice-over): "Drug and alcohol addiction is a disease that touches everyone."

(clip of Dr. Drew Pinsky)

(voice-over): "One man has made it his mission to help. Now, a new group of troubled, washed-up former stars is checking into Dr. Drew's Pasadena Recovery Center."

(movie clips of monkeys, chimps and apes)

(voice-over): "Hard-partying ex-circus stars Stanley and Ronnie; Jack, the Vicodin-popping hockey prodigy; Dodger, the once-promising actor whose life spiraled out of control; and Sam, the stage star who's still in an extreme state of denial."

(clip of Sam making Bronx cheers into a phone)

(voice-over): "Dr. Drew's Celebrity Monkey Rehab: Only on VH-1."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave mentions that "Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra" has been added to the marquee. ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about parenthood and Harry for a bit. He first takes us back to Harry getting a train set for Christmas, which included the liquid to make the locomotive smoke. A couple of weeks ago, Harry got an earache. The doctor said it wasn't an infection... just a little inflammation, and Dave came home with some ear drops. (The audience starts giggling. They know what's coming.) Yup. Sure enough, Dave got up in the middle of the night and squeezed the ear drops into the electric train! ••• outside cam: a shot of Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra on the marquee ••• Dave's seen holding a "Fun Facts" envelope before commercial, but they're saved for another day. He mentioned a Top Ten, but maybe we'll get it next week. ••• Matt Damon plugs The Green Zone, opening March 12. ••• Danny Bhoy does stand-up. ••• Corinne Bailey Rae sings. ••• edited out: Top Ten Changes to the 2010 Academy Awards

3/08/10 [3273]: interruption: A red-haired woman in bright colors and oversized costume jewelry stands next to Dave to deliver an impassioned speech about women. (edit): It's a Late Show spoof of an interrupted Oscar acceptance speech by documentary filmmaker Roger Ross Williams. His former co-producer, Elinor Burkett, now known as Lady Kanye, interrupted him, says Yahoo! ••• There was a salute to horror films at the Academy Awards last night, including footage of Dick Cheney in his torture chamber, with some poor woman on a rack. / Cue Will Lee and his blood-curdling scream. ••• Dave really doesn't like it when people try to cash in on others' success. / The Hurt Locker won Best Picture last night. / video:

(movie clip)

(voice-over): "The Hurt Locker is a revolutionary movie-going experience that leaves audiences dazzled. The Academy would like to salute the people who made it possible."

(photo of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney)

(voice-over): "George W. Bush. See?"

••• The Academy Awards were really long, Dave opines. / video: Kate Winslet putting nominees to sleep with her comments ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Some time ago, Dave got the idea that helium balloons would be easier for Harry than flying a kite. The two gentlemen have been buying bigger and bigger helium balloons. They got a 34-inch balloon from Party Depot. Then Jay Johnson, Creative Director: Digital Media, gave Dave a 12-foot weather balloon. Now they're transporting an entire tank of helium to the launch site, which is fine until you accidentally break an end off, because then you've got yourself a torpedo! Unfortunately, the big balloon got away from them. Then Dave worries about becoming the next Balloon Dad. Harry asks, "Did you pick up all of the evidence?" ••• interruption: A staffer who won the Late Show office pool comes onstage to brag to Dave about his $235 jackpot. In fact, with that kind of cash he really doesn't need Dave anymore. Our friend Dave is the recipient of The Finger, along with the mother of all cuss words. Eventually the nasty fellow departs, whereupon Dave repeats his naughty language, only to be censored by the Late Show aaoogah horn. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards ••• Kelly Ripa, who looked amazing, by the way ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Pat Farmer wanders onstage, wanting to talk to Dave about the Oscars. ••• Lady Antebellum sing. ••• partial credits

3/09/10 [3274]: Harry Smith is having a colonoscopy on the Early Show tomorrow. / video: We see cave explorers in a black and white movie. ••• monologue: Barack Obama had an annual physical a few days ago, and doctors took note of his affinity for pie. / Photoshop fun: It's a hugely overweight Barack. ••• "Academy Awards Best Picture Recap" / video: We see clips of two news anchors referring to Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker, and getting the Late Show "correct" bell. Then one slips up and refers to the Foot Locker. (Late Show "no" buzzer) ••• "Italian News Clip of the Night" / video: An anchor is busy delivering the news. Eventually he notices that a fight has broken out in the newsroom behind him. Quite the courageous journalist, instead of staying to cover the story, he takes off running! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Sticking accelerators led to a massive recall of Toyotas in January. Now a Prius has taken someone for a joyride in California. (According to ABC News, the car hit 94 MPH!) Once again, we're quite honored to have Akio Toyoda, President and CEO of Toyota, onstage to respond to the problem. /

(comments translated from Japanese)

(Mr. Toyoda bows deeply.)

(Toyoda): "I am Akio Toyoda of Toyota Motor Corporation. Yesterday in California, a Toyota Prius' accelerator became stuck, and the driver lost control. This is an unfortunate situation, and one we don't take lightly."

(Whoops! Here we go again. Toyoda starts yelling.): "Toyota is not at fault. You are at fault. Americans drive like frightened kitties. Little tiny meowing kitties. Such sad, poor little kitties. Meow, meow, meow."

(Toyoda simulates driving like a kitty.)

(Toyoda, louder): "You must drive aggressive. Aggressive like dogs. Woof, woof. Kamikaze, kamikaze. Go. Go. Go. Faster. Faster."

(Toyoda, pointing to Mr. Letterman): "Hey you, hairpiece. You make me sick. Air bag must explode and kill you. Hari-kari. Hari-kari. Hari-kari. Thank you and goodnight."

••• Top Ten Signs Rahm Emanuel Is Nuts ••• desk chat: Dave's personal extortionist, Robert Halderman, pled guilty today. Without mentioning his name, Dave takes a moment to compliment and thank personnel in the New York District Attorney's office:

• District Attorney of Manhattan, Cyrus Vance, Jr.
• former District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau
• the Special Prosecutions Bureau in the District Attorney's office
• the New York City Police Department.

••• Kyle Perry, the 2010 National Grocery Bagging Champion, is in from the Martin Supermarket of Granger, Indiana to compete with Dave (the pride of the Atlas Supermarket of Indianapolis). We have a new feature this year. Paul Shaffer of the CBS Television Network starts the competition with a starter's pistol. Kyle wins by a hair, but after the competition Dave reveals a special cutout on the demonstration table. It allowed Dave to dump half of the merchandise instead of bagging it. Kyle won a sweet $10,000 for his talents. / shot of Dave's contraband under the table / shot of Kyle's trophy ••• Julianna Margulies plugs City Island and The Good Wife. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Once again, writer Joe Grossman shows up behind Dave, who gives him a little warmer welcome than usual. Joe's all excited about his weekend, as he painted a closet. He's brought a clip: "Joe's Weekend." ••• Broken Bells sing. ••• full credits

3/10/10: What a mess! The CBS station in Topeka delayed tonight's show by a half hour to run extended sports. I write these logs from written notes, and fill in details from videotape. The recorded show's signal was a mess tonight. I'll have to fill in the gaps from the Internet when it's ready.

3/10/10 [3275]: Harry Smith had a colonoscopy on the Early Show this morning. / video: We see cave explorers in a black and white movie. ••• Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned in the face of allegations of sexual harrassment. He says it was just tickling. / "Eric Massa In His Own Words" / video:

(Massa): (lost signal from CBS)

••• more on Eric Massa / video:

(voice-over): "Congressman Eric Massa has decided to step down after accusations surfaced that he tickled a male staffer. (lost signal from CBS)

••• Al Jazeera has "Osama's Academy Awards Fashion Disasters." / video: "No burgha. No burgha. No burgha." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave wishes happy birthday to Felicia Collins ••• The CBS Store at the corner of 53rd St. and Broadway is closing in August. Dave calls the employee there to visit about this development. ••• Rod Blagojevich presents the Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing on Celebrity Apprentice. ••• animation: Blagojevich's hair vs. Trump's hair (growling at each other like doggies) ••• Jessica Simpson ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dr. Mehmet Oz ••• Alkaline Trio sing.


Click here for the 2008 episode logs.

Click here for the 2009 episode logs.

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.

This episode guide is © David Yoder.
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