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1/01/15: REPEAT FROM 12/10/14

1/02/15: REPEAT FROM 11/26/14

1/05/15 [4138]: A NEW INTRO TO BEGIN THE YEAR: "From The Hague, international city of peace and justice, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Did you see the season premiere of Downton Abbey last night on PBS? / "Downton Abbey Highlight" / video:

(title graphic and piano music)

(one lady to another): "I'm going upstairs to take off my hat."

(title graphic and piano music)

(me): I saw Professor Minerva McGonagall in the title photo!

••• "A Tale as Old as Time" / video:
(title graphic and standard awards show music)

(voice-over): "November 2010: Candidate Blake Farenthold is elected to the United States Congress. November 2014: Congressman Blake Farenthold is re-elected to a third term. December 2014: Congressman Blake Farenthold announces he will not renew ownership of blowme.org."

(title graphic and awards show music)

••• Pope Francis is really gettin' it done. He's just named 40 new cardinals. Apparently if you're in the running to be a cardinal, you get a phone call from the pope... like the POTUS does for a Medal of Honor recipient. / video:
(peppy background music)

(scene): Michael Sam gets a call from someone. "Thank you," he says. Then he kisses some guy.

(FX): a doctored old-style test pattern, but with the likeness of Pope Francis in place of the Indian chief (plus a 1 KHz audio tone)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact: Audubon's first guide contained only two entries; 'small dark bird' and 'larger gray bird.' " / a plug for Nationwide® •••

ACT 2 / DESK CHAT:

Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple of ladies (not seen on camera) who came for the Times Square ball drop. Dave gives us a classic desk chat on the subject, but the legendary broadcaster and raconteur doesn't just vent about it. He has a very workable and fiscally responsible solution. Here we go:

(Dave): "Hey! Howdy! Hey! This will be the last time that I will address this issue, as Paul and I are leaving the airways (airwaves) here at the powerful network, CBS, in a few months. This will be the last time you'll have to put up with this particular harangue. I was talking with some lovely women from St. Louis, who apparently moved here, and took up residency in Times Square to see the ball drop. And believe me, nobody likes a good yahoo celebration more than I do."

(Paul): "Of course. Yeah!"

(Dave): "But for years, if you've seen it, they've got the ball... It's lit up... it's... I don't know... the size of this thing here, and it drops about eight feet. And it couldn't be more anticlimactic. Now, OK. That's what happens. That's what happens. Here, now, is what could happen. You remember the guy who tumbled out of a balloon?"

(Paul): "Yeah, yeah."

(Dave): "From space."

(Paul): "Yes."

(Dave): "From, like, 60... 80,000 feet up. He goes up in a balloon, and then he tumbles out. Felix Baumgartner. I don't know who he was. But yeah, and so he tumbles and he flies down. Now, why don't we get this guy? Because how many gigs does this guy get a year?"

(Paul): "I'm telling you..."

(Dave): "Because we need you to go up in space? It doesn't happen! So we get him, and NASA could do all the math, and hook this thing so it works, and they get him on a walkie talkie and stuff, and a radar and everything. And, so Dick Clark counts it down. And, and then... and then we cut to the space camera..."

(Paul): "Right! Yes!"

(Dave): "The space camera..."

(Paul): "All the way up there..."

(Dave): "If we can do... look at the Hubble Telescope. It's been up there for four decades!"

(Paul): "Yeah, no, we could do it."

(Dave): "We could do all of this, but yet we don't..." (slaps the desk) "... do all of this. And, I'll tell you... You know whose fault this is? Mayor de Blasio! This guy could get this done! And, until this happens, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, 'New York City...' No, I'm not gonna say that. So, and now we cue him, and everybody, 'Ten!' So now Felix starts tumbling from space, and he lands in Times Square. And, uh, there'll probably be some fireworks. Or somethin.' "

(Paul): "There you've got a show!"

(Dave): "Then you could charge admission to go see that..."

(Paul): "That is a thing! Exactly! And you know the best part of it? By 2:15, you're at Joe Allen's, having a piece of pie with your wife. Or what's the place on the East Side?"

(Dave, laughing): "P.J. Clarke's."

(Paul): "You're at P.J. Clark's by 2:15."

(Dave): "No! 12:15!"

(Paul): "12:15, having a hamburger with your wife. It's as simple as that!"

(Dave, smiling): "Exactly! So there you go! Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for 'Small Town News.' "

(CBSO): "Small Town News" theme song

(Dave): "I'm not... I'm tellin' you. As much as I love New York City, I'm not waitin' around for 18 hours to see a ball drop eight feet."

(Paul): "It's not exactly anticlimactic."

(Dave): "But you would see a fiery ball coming from space! They do the countdown, and now it's like, 'Oh, my God!' Because you think, 'Oh, will the chute open? You... don't... know! And then you've got somethin' to tell your grandkids about! 'I was in Times Square when Felix Baumgartner jumped from space!' "

(Paul): "From outer space... yeah!"

(Dave): "No. It's like a... 'Uhhhh.' " (mimicking looking at the ball drop) "And also, uhh, you get your pocket picked. Everybody goes to Times Square... gets their pocket picked. It's true. These women all had their pockets picked, and their purses were rifled through. For what? To watch the ball drop. The ball drop. What is that... even symbolic of what? 'Oh, we dropped the ball.' Great!"

(Paul): "We dropped the ball!"

(Dave): "That's a bad thing."

(Paul): "Yeah. It's got a negative connotation... negative connotation."

(Dave): "And every year'd be a new balloon guy. You know, one year it'd be the Felix guy, and next year there'd be a newcomer, and then maybe..."

(Paul): "You know who they should get? Cantinflas!

(Dave, laughing): "Yeah! Mexican character actor Cantinflas?"

(Paul): "Yeah, because I'm nothing if not current, swinging with the kids!"

(Dave): "Did we do the 'Small Town News?' "

(Paul): "We opened it up, yeah."

(BREAK FOR SMALL TOWN NEWS)

(Dave): "And you can have... maybe, as the guy comes... as he enters the earth's atmosphere, he's singing 'New York, New York.' "

(Paul): "Wow! Well, how do you hook up... who does the sound?"

(Dave): "Well, I don't know who does, but NASA can work all of this out."

(Paul): "I don't know. You've gotta have sound. It's, like, an SACD mix... I think at 5.1 for that."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, I agree!"

(Paul): "Not too many guys can do that!"

(Dave): "No!"

(BREAK FOR SMALL TOWN NEWS)

(Dave): " 'Ooooh! I think I see it!' "

(Paul): "What is it?"

(Dave): " 'It's that guy! Do you hear it?' He's... And then he would be would be singing.

'Start spreadin' the news.
I'm leaving today.
I want to be a part of it, in old New York!
If I could make it there, I'll make it anywhere.'
And then his chute doesn't open!"

(Paul): "What a way to go to the New Year!"

(Dave, growling): "Well, it's better than watchin' the damn ball."

(Paul): "I know. No. The ball is nothing."

(Dave): "And then... then... there's just people... I don't care. There's just people standin' around sayin' 'Wow.' "

(Paul): "I know!"

(Dave): " 'Wow!' "

(Paul): "And then, you have no wallet. At the end of it, you have no wallet!"

(Dave): "That's right. Your identity has been stolen. Your credit card is gone!"

(clip): Oops! I forgot about this. We see a clip from a segment from 1/02/13 [3781]. Dave talked about this same idea two years ago this week. I forgot. (By the way, Felix's chute didn't open. We hear "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" for a few seconds, then splat!)

(entire desk chat video)

••• "Small Town News" from the desk chat, which was greatly abbreviated because of Dave's extended discourse)

  • The Gazette-Virginian, South Boston, Virginia: FREE: "Free to good home: Llamas - 3 female, 1 male. If you can catch them, you can have them." Call 434-     -     ."

  • Cottage Grove Sentinel, Cottage Grove, Oregon: CAPTION: "Assembly of God Living Faith's Girls' Night Out" / Photo: 9 young ladies behind bars

  • Snoqualmie Valley Record, Snoqualmie, Washington: POLICE REPORT: "A caller shared concerns with police about a mound seen behind a business... The caller thought it might be a grave, but investigated, and discovered it ws an anthill."
•••
Kathy Griffin plugs Fashion Police, an E! Network offering on Mondays at 9:00 ET.

Ms. Griffin informs Dave, who's dressed very sharply this evening, that he's on the worst-dressed list. Dave doesn't care. We hope Sue Hum isn't listening backstage. She does great picking Dave's suits, and she's talked him out of stuffing those hankies in his coat pocket. Dave says Kathy looks great, but he looks like "plucked poultry." Kathy reminds him he's been on the cover of GQ. (YouTube)

Kathy dumps on Ryan Seacrest in a major way. She says he's a robot, "who has a skill set yet-to-be-determined." She likes Anderson Cooper very much, however. She likes him so much, she dyed his hair on live TV. This was accomplished by getting Anderson to close his eyes for 10 seconds. I'm sure Kathy has lots of friends.

••• British actor David Oyelowo (pronounced oh-yellow-oh) plugs Selma, set to open on January 9. He plays Dr. Martin Luther King, in the story of a voters' rights march in 1965. From the clip, it looks like he does a very fine job. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "If you want more information, go look at a damn kiosk." ••• more David Oyelowo ••• Lera Lynn sings "Out to Sea" from her album "The Avenues." She's beautiful, and her voice and musical style reminded me of Sheryl Crow, which I mean as a compliment. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/06/15 [4139]: NEW INTRO: "From The Hague, home of the World Court, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• monologue:

"I wanna tell you something. It's cold here in New York City. It's freezing outside. It's so cold today, over at St. Patrick's Cathedral, they replaced the holy water with broth."

"Listen. Here's how cold it is. Early this morning, I got up and I dragged my Christmas tree out to the curb. It was so cold, the Christmas tree dragged itself back into the house."

"And then... then I tried to throw this joke away, and it dragged itself back into the house!"

"Well, we have new baseball Hall-of-Fame guys goin' in, and you know the Baseball Hall of Fame. That's fantastic! One of two great honors if you're a baseball player. Getting elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York... that's number one. Owning a mediocre steak house... that's number two. Either one of those..."

••• You know the Taken movies? Taken 3 is the biggest blockbuster, and here's a clip:
(action clips)

(voice-over): "Liam Neeson returns to face his most formidable challenge yet."

(accented voice on phone): "I want the money by sundown tomorrow."

(Liam): "I can tell you, I don't have money, but what I do have, are a very particular set of skills... skills..."

(FX): tone

(accented voice on phone): "Getting another call. Hang on."

(FX): elevator music while on hold

(trailer graphic): TAK3N

(voice-over): "Taken 3: Call Waiting."

(Liam, still hearing the music): "Oh, for the love of God!"

(graphic and voice-over): "Coming soon."

••• New members of Congress were sworn in today, and we have a clip of them swearing or affirming. / video:
(clip): Congress members standing, with right hands raised

(unknown): "Do you solemnly swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States, against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, and that you will not text, e-mail or otherwise transmit pictures of your private parts... so help you God?"

(oath takers): "We do."

••• Pope Francis has named a number of new cardinals, and one of them is from Mexico. Let's see videotape from the Vatican. Pope Francis is teasing the new guy! /
(Ha! It's not the voice of Pope Francis. We hear a stand-up comedian who shall not be named, Don Rickles): "Mexicans, you never fool around with the wife, right? You're too busy laying around on the floor and fixin' the mud, so it don't cave in. They never fool with the wife, the Mexicans. They're walkin' around goin', 'Turn on the television. Turn on the television.' Don't make it a rally, you dummy broad. What the hell's the matter with you? You want the Mexican to come over to your table and get the runs? It's only a joke, Mexican. You are the chosen people. We're wrong. Look at the size of him, lady. He just lays on you, and you die! 'Look at this,' the lady went, 'What did Mexican lay on me? Anyway, gang, the old Jewish lady got in heat when she heard the fat Mexican was gonna lay on her. Anyway, gang, what the hell do you think's going to happen? You won't have any kids. A taco falls out. Ha ha ha!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, " 'Increase Your Word Power': Gyroscope: A device which uses the principle of angular momentum to keep a greek sandwich level." / (It took me a minute, but I got there.) / a plug for Progressive® •••

ACT 2 DESK CHAT:

Around the end of summer, Dave and Paul were talking about investments and 401 plans. Paul told Dave he made a foreign investment. To be exact, Paul invested in a fireworks factory in Bogota, Colombia (as far as you know). Dave has tape from CNN from earlier today. It's a series of colossal explosions at a fireworks factory. Paul says it's probably not his factory that went boom. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard on the First Day of the 114th Congress / #6 is an audience shout out, "Say 'hi,' honey."
•••
Ethan (Green) Hawke plugs the DVD of Boyhood, which came to theaters in August.

As usual, Dave wants to talk about the kids. Ethan has kids of ages 16, 12, 6 and 3. The three-year-old is named Indiana, as his wife liked a book of that name by George Sand. Also, his father lived in Indiana.

What about Christmas and Santa? The 16-year-old is past this stage. The others are still onboard, and the stockings are a big deal at the Hawke household. Dave's not sure if Harry still believes in Santa or not, but just in case, he kicked over the cover in front of the fireplace.

Boyhood, which is about growing up, was shot over 12 years. It covers birth to high school graduation. The span of years that passed during filming made it near impossible to predict current events that might be included in the movie, but it was directed by The Fonz, so that helped!

Dave and Ethan talk about being parents themselves. When one of Ethan's kids was born, his mother said, "Congratulations! You now have something to worry about for the rest of your life."

According to Dave, the movie is 12 years long. That's a lot of popcorn sales. Honestly, though, it'll be very popular in prisons.

•••

DESK CHAT:

Dave was interested to learn that many people send Pope Francis presents. Because he feels little need for worldly possessions, the pope is auctioning them for charity. Dave has a list: picture frame, bicycle, an expresso machine. Uh oh. Here we go. TV's Alan Kalter begins hollering "What?" from across the stage. Here's the latest, awesome Alan Kalter meltdown.

(Alan): "No, no, no, no no! No! No! Stop, Dave!"

(Dave, irritated): "What?"

(Alan): "Dave?"

(Dave): "Yes?"

(Alan): "You say one of the gifts the pope's raffling off is an expresso machine?"

(Dave): "Yup."

(Alan): "An expresso machine?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Alan hollers): "Son of a bitch!"

(Dave): "What? What? Now, why?"

(Paul): "What's he so upset about?"

(Dave): "How could this possibly affect you?"

(Alan): "I did a lot of comparison shopping. I read all the reviews. I bought a lovely, high-end machine. I had it shipped, at great expense, to Rome. I received a thank you form letter."

(Oh, boy... Alan rises from his perch.)

(Alan, getting weepy now): "But not what I was hoping for. I was just... I just wanted a happy ending, knowing His Holiness was gonna enjoy... expresso."

(Alan, exiting the stage): "People enjoy expresso."

(Dave): "Alright. Alan, Alan."

(Alan): "I just sent him..."

(Dave): "Alan, it's for a good cause."

(Alan): "Guess I shouldn't have bothered to send it to the pope. Just one more piece of junk to dispose of. My faith has been sorely tempted, Dave, but this is the end. The scales have fallen from my eyes. I am done. I am DONE!!"

(Dave): "Alan?"

(Alan): "DONE!"

(Dave): "Alan, there's a possibility that it's not the same expresso machine."

(Alan, hollering): "Oh, shut up, Dave! YAAAAAAH! We're all alone in this cold universe! If you want comfort, you don't get it from your fellow man. You don't get it from your God..."

(Dave): "OK. OK. That's enough. I'm sorry."

(Alan): "...only from an expresso machine you buy and you keep for yourself. OHHHH... MYYYY... GODDD!"

(Dave): "It's too early in the year for all of this. We'll be right back with Allison Williams, ladies and gentlemen."

(CBSO plays into commercial)

(Alan, moaning): "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO! DON'T TELL ME!"

(YouTube)

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Paul's assistant, Dan Fetter. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "You know what would be hilarious? A cartoon movie with wisecracking animals!" •••
Allison Williams plugs the new season of HBO's Girls, beginning on January 11 at 9 ET. She looks out of this world in her orange (or red) dress. (I'm partly colorblind. I can see the differences between colors, but have trouble naming them, like some shades of purple vs. blue, or green vs. gray or brown.) Look at Allison's beautiful @LETTERMAN picture! By the way, when Allison comes on, Dave doesn't ask her to commit misdemeanors out on the sidewalk, like her dad.

Dave first wants to visit with Allison about her dream role, playing Peter Pan in a live performance on NBC on December 4. She's loved Peter Pan since she was a little girl. (It's always been my choice of peanut butter.) Allison says the cast did about five complete dress rehearsals of Peter Pan. As a result of her girlhood fascination with the character, playing this part had some very emotional, weepy moments for her. She says she made quite a mess of her makeup at one point, and it had to be redone. Apparently she wasn't quite so sentimental or emotional about the fact that the set was once a Grumman assembly plant, where the historic Lunar Excursion Module was created. (By the way, Dave reveals that his preshow weeping messes up his makeup quite often. That would sure be something for the Odd Dave file.)

There's quite a discussion on the logistics of flying. (YouTube) The late Peter Foy is the technical wizard who developed the apparatus. (Flying by Foy) Allison's hidden harness became progressively smaller as rehearsals went on. She says one time she lost feeling in her legs for several hours. There was a plan in place in case Allison lost consciousness while suspended. She didn't.

Dave wants to know if Allison will play Zorro someday. Probably not. She loves Girls, and hopes it runs for a long time.

(video, with 101 Northeast Kansas school closings)

••• Parquet Courts sing "Bodies Made Of" from their album, "Sunbathing Animal." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.


Manhattan, Kansas, showtime, Jan. 7

1/07/15 [4140]: NEW INTRO: "From El Paso, Texas, home of the world's largest reserve of helium gas, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

monologue:

"Here's how cold it is. You know that Keystone Pipeline they're talkin' about? You know that Keystone Pipeline? It's so cold, the Republicans want to use that to deliver soup!"

"Yeah, it's the time the city's recycling the Christmas trees. Here's what they do. People have their Christmas trees. They take all the stuff off 'em, and put 'em on the sidewalk. And then the city comes by and picks 'em up. They run 'em through a wood chipper, and then they take 'em up to Central Park, and they're used as mulch. It's the same thing we do to get rid of witnesses."

••• If you hear a discussion about snow, you can bet that sooner or later, some dope will inform you that no two snowflakes are alike. One scholarly study concluded that there are 35 kinds of snowflakes. That's it. / video:
(animation): snowflake forming

(photo): snowflake classification chart

(voice-over): "Caltech scientists now believe that there are, in fact, only 35 different types of snowflakes..."

(photos): examples of each

(voice-over continues): "... including the plane crystal, the column crystal and the Billy Crystal. Thompson Lou, CNN, Washington."

(graphic): CNN logo

••• interruption: It's cue card technician Todd Seda's first career interruption! This is exciting. Wahoo Mike introduced me to Todd in June. It's been great to see him have some really funny remotes and segments over the last couple of years. Here we go.
(Todd): "Dave! Hey, Dave!"

(Dave): "Billy Crystal."

(Todd): "Dave, this is nuts, man! Dave!"

(Dave): "What?" I'm sorry. What? Yes?"

(Todd): "Dave!"

(Dave): "Yes?"

(Todd): "Dave!"

(Dave): "Hold it. Todd?"

(Todd): "Dave?"

(Dave): "Yes, Todd. You had something for us?"

(Todd): "It's crazy! I actually had a Billy Crystal on my coat, comin' in the work this morning!"

(Dave): "I'll be darned!" (applauds) "Thanks, Todd!"

(Todd, all smiles): "You're welcome."

(video)

••• (me): There had to be an edit in the monologue. We saw Todd holding Dave's next cue card, about 2015 being one second longer, but then Dave told a Barbara Walters joke. I don't think this will become an international incident, however. ••• "United States Congress: Leading with Dignity" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(WQAD-TV news anchor Julie Sisk, Moline, Illinois): "For the first time, the state of Iowa has a woman representing the Hawkeye State on Capitol Hill. Fellow Senators welcomed Joni Ernst with a special gift. She was given a castration device mounted on a wooden frame."

(title graphic and patriotic music)

(Julie's station was very proud the next day!)

••• "Joe Biden: Working the Room" / video:
(title graphic and theme song I should recognize)

The whole bit is Vice-President Biden glad-handing a roomful of people with "Hey, Mom" or "Hey, Dad." He finally sees someone he knows. "Dick!"

(title graphic and theme song I should recognize)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Learn from My Mistake: Before purchasing puppet show tickets, make sure there will be someone operating the puppets." / a plug for Ford •••

DESK CHAT:

In the preshow Q&A, a lady from Duluth wondered why the show doesn't still do some of their old bits. / Roof Cam: Pat Farmer's on top of the Ed, to hopefully settle this matter to her satisfaction. He drops an egg 90 feet down to the 53rd St. sidewalk. •••

New Major League Baseball Hall-of-Fame inductees: Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, John Smoltz and Craig Biggio present the Top Ten Things I Said When I Learned I Made the Baseball Hall of Fame. / #2 is Guess they forgot about me killing that bird," from pitcher Randy Johnson.

On 5/19/04, we had Top Ten Cool Things about Pitching a Perfect Game, presented by Randy via satellite from Atlanta, and he was an interview guest on 1/11/05. We also saw his bird-exterminating pitch on the Late Show on 4/05/05.

On 11/01/04, we saw Pedro Martinez briefly in "Rupert at the World Series."

•••
Julianne Moore plugs Still Alice. We hadn't seen her on the show since 7/26/11, plugging Crazy, Stupid, Love.

No surprise, Dave wants to know about the family. She has a 17-year-old boy, and a 12-year-old girl. For Christmas, one present for the girl was a horseshoe-themed bracelet, 'cause she loves horses. Her daughter, still with excellent vision at her age, immediately saw the phrase, "Don't take djoy" engraved on it. She also got bath bombs, which are a very big deal with young girls these days. They all have fun names. She got one named "Sex Bomb." In keeping with the theme, Julianne thinks that for the 17-year-old, about to take his driver's license test, she'll write him a card that says, "Good givling luck. Love, Mommy."

Julianne, as it happened, never drove on a regular basis until she was 27. She jumped through the hoops and got a license at 16, but quickly moved to Germany, Boston and New York, where she didn't have a car. Oh, and then when she started driving, it was on the 405 in the Los Angeles area!

She has been nominated for four Oscars, and Still Alice may well bring another nomination. Her character is well-educated, and develops early-onset Alzheimer's disease. Alec Baldwin plays her husband. My dad had Alzheimer's. He practiced medicine until he was 76, and lived to be 86, but late in his life didn't know his name. I remember in one of his last years, spoon feeding him his Thanksgiving dinner, like he was a toddler. The hardest part for both the patient and the family is what we'll see in Julianne's movie... it's when the victim is still well enough to know he or she's facing this awful, incurable disease, but still is together enough to want to do things that are no longer feasible or wise. I remember the last time my parents came to see me in Manhattan, a 120-mile trip from our hometown. My dad had driven successfully all the way, but he didn't know what city he was in. My mother had directed him along the way. Julianne talks about this kind of thing. It's no fun when the family have to hide the car keys, the chainsaw, etc., and eventually assume the role of parent. We'll certainly see two great performances, about an incredibly difficult subject.

•••
One of Dave's greatest guests ever, Marv Albert, is in. Early on, Dave asks about the Knicks, who Marv covered for so long. They're 5-32 at taping time. Dave has some great ideas for the NFL: 1. no timeouts 2. no punts 3. Extra points and field goals will all be drop-kicks. 4. If your team achieves two first downs in a row, you then get to run a play with two balls. Marv says, "Would you be hurt if I say that's one of the dumbest things...?" 5. Once per quarter, everybody on the teams go in!!

(to be continued...)

••• "Late Show Staff Selfie": It's our pals Jerry Foley, Brian Teta, Marv Albert and Kathy Mavrikakis! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the tragic story of a man whose mustache was shaved in a tragic operating room mix-up." •••
It's more with Marv Albert. Dave announces that Marv's been on with him 126 times. Don Giller disagrees, who says he's had 133 total appearances, include cameos and announcing on 10/08/01 for Alan. According to my logs, Alan was supposedly stuck in traffic. It's hard to figure these. I have Marv at 49 appearances on the Late Show alone. What do you count? For example, do you count two times when Marv announced for Alan Kalter, and then had Achievement Awards later in the show? Then there's crazy stuff, such as on 11/28/02, when Marv shows up in Dorothy's dining room after pie guessing. I also have Marv for at least 48 appearances on Late Night, but my logs for the first four NBC years aren't complete.

Tonight's Albert Achievement Awards include classics from many years ago. It's a great set, even if they're not in HDTV. And, for the record, Marv concludes the last entry with, "Not what he had in mind." I don't know how many of these I have on tape, but it's certainly dozens of them... clear back into Late Night, I'd say. I'll bet I have almost all of 'em!

What a tremendous tradition Marv's visits have been for Dave's shows! They're just the latest example of something you never want to come to an end. Thanks much, Marv!

(video: interview + Albert Achievement Awards)

Here's one final thing. After posting this, I noticed a tweet from @ByeLetterman that linked to a YouTube video with Marv's background song for the Albert Achievement Awards these past 30 years. Written 100 years ago by Euday L. Bowman, its title is "Twelfth Street Rag." I don't know this, but it could have been chosen because it's been used as circus music, among other things, and played on a calliope. Now, if you want to hear something amazing, get on the iTunes Store, look up the title and listen to Liberace play it. I have no idea who played the version always used with Marv's awards. It's at a faster pace than the one in the YouTube video linked above. And that's the rest of the story!

••• Catfish and The Bottlemen sing. They were good! Their new album is The Balcony. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/08/15 [4141]: NEW INTRO: "From Amarillo, Texas, home of the world's largest reserve of helium gas, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• John Boehner was re-elected Speaker of the House yesterday, by a roll-call vote. / video:

(scene): House of Representatives

(unknown man taking the votes): "Brooks of Indiana? Boehner. Brown of Florida? Pelosi. Brownley of California? Pelosi. Buchanan? Boehner."

(close-up of the gent's records): It's dozens and dozens of neatly-printed lines of "I hate my job."

••• Alright! It's Pat Farmer's monologue interruption #2015-0001. Let's get right to it, shall we?
(Mr. Farmer enters the stage with a scraggly-looking Christmas tree in tow. It may be a cedar.)

(Pat): "Hey, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, my God! Ladies and gentlemen, it's Pat Farmer. Pat Farmer's here."

(Pat): "I'm alright, Dave. Look what I found on the sidewalk, Dave."

(Dave): "Wow."

(Pat): "Can you believe someone would just throw this away?"

(Dave): "Yeah. That's something. You... you, Pat, are a regular American Picker!"

(Pat): "Yeah."

(awkward silence and laughing by the audience)

(Dave): "So, now what, Pat?"

(Pat): "Uhh, I think, Dave, I'm gonna go brush my hair."

(Dave): "Alright."

(Pat exits... tree in tow.)

••• Dave has insincere happy birthday wishes for the evil North Korean dictator, Kimberly Jong-Un. Dave: "You can compare him to the Hello Deli tuna salad. They're similar in this one regard. No one is exactly sure of their age." His Majesty celebrated by executing a few close friends. (Kim, that is... not Rupert.) Hey... how about the MP3 of mad dogs gnawing on Kim's uncle? Or should we say Jong-Uncle? (MP3) / video of birthday wishes from North Korean television:
(voice-over of a female anchor we see onscreen): "For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny. If they want to live."
••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Debbie and Bob from Kansas. They have pizza coming. ••• Did you see the season premiere of Downton Abbey on PBS on Sunday? The writers are always coming up with new ideas, to keep the period piece alive. / video:
(title graphic)

(scenes from the show)

(voice-over): "This season on Downton Abbey, a host of new characters arrive to disrupt life at the estate, including the handsome art dealer, Simon Bricker, the seductive dowager, Lady Anstruther, and the abbey's wisecracking new butler, Alf.

(Alf): "A nickel? Don't expect clean sheets!"

(Maggie Smith, as Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham, looks amused.)

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Downton Abbey. Check your local listings."

••• Dave hollers over to Nancy Agostini. "The pizza here yet? It's next door!" (must be from Angelo's) Biff appears onstage with the grub, and Dave sends him to the audience to serve Debbie and Bob. Hmm. I don't know if it's from Angelo's. I didn't see their logo on the box. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?: The raccoon is the only animal." / a plug for Discover •••

ACT 2

The journal Nature Medicine recently published a study introducing a pill that will someday trick one's body into reacting as if there's been a recent meal. It makes you feel full, and it burns calories. / video:

(Nature cover)

(voice-over): "As reported in the journal Nature, the Salk Institute for Biological Studies is pleased to announce the 'imaginary meal' pill, which signals your body that you've eaten a full meal, but contains no calories. We're equally proud of our 'imaginary comedy' pill, which signals your body that you have experienced side-splitting hilarity, despite a complete lack of entertainment."

(photos): young adults laughing their asses off at something or other

(clip that's no doubt in Mike McIntee's "Odd Dave" file): Dave's singing a silly little ditty at his desk, clapping in time... the only thing on CBS

(graphic and voice-over): "The Salk Institute for Biological Studies." (softly concluding): "Between Love and Madness Lies Obsession."

(me): I know that slogan. It's for Calvin Klein's fragrance line, Obsession™." I love supermodel Kate Moss, and she was in a series of ads, butt naked, for Obsession™ when she was 19. Hey! Kate's 41st birthday is on January 16. I know these things.

••• TTL set-up: John Boehner receives an oversized gavel after re-election as Speaker of the House, and plants an awkward kiss on his mortal enemy, Nancy Pelosi. / Top Ten Things Going Through Nancy Pelosi's Mind at This Moment •••
Donald Trump is on to discuss current events, and plug Celebrity Apprentice. He gets quite a warm welcome from the audience, then first says we're going to miss Dave. (Correct.) Donald's wearing a red tie. He started that in the 80s, quit, and recently went back to them.

Dave wants to know if Donald's running for president. No, but he makes a lot of speeches, and donates any income to charity. We're $18,000,000,000,000 in debt. What to do? Our airports, highways and bridges don't stack up to many in other countries, in large part because of bad political decisions in the U.S., and plain incompetence. Meanwhile, Donald's built 6,000 units in the New York area. Donald criticizes the $5,000,000,000 Obamacare web site that still doesn't work. Also, people are losing perfectly good insurance plans. Dave tells Donald about the time when he had an arm reattached in another country, and was charged $12. (No wonder he wouldn't throw footballs on the show for a while.)

How about the hair? Does Donald need a permit? Donald kind of skirts the issue with, "It is mine." Well, of course it's his, but is it legal?

Dave brings up the horrendous attack on magazine employees in Paris this week. Donald doesn't get very specific. He just says, "It's people with a whole different viewpoint." Dave starts itemizing what's driving these: a religious problem, a cultural problem, an intolerance problem and people who don't believe in freedom of expression. On the subject of freedom of expression, Dave has this to say,

"Here's the example that I'm always proud of as an American. People... to demonstrate... they think, 'We're really going to stick it to the United States: we're gonna set fire to the flag.' And people get, 'Oh, my God!' Well, no! If that's how you feel, go ahead and burn the flag, because this country is far greater than that symbol, and that symbol is standing for freedom of expression. And there's no other country..."
(me): See if one of the Jimmys can come up with something the way Dave does.

Dave continues:

"I'm not a religious man, but I do consider myself to be very spiritual. But, you know, I... Jesus Christ and God and the disciples and the virgin mother... on and on and on and on and on... Believe it a little bit. Believe it all you want. Turn your life over to it. That's fine. That's just great! Somebody makes fun of it... so what? It's none of my business what you think of my religion. It's what I think of my religion. You know?"
Donald replies with, "What happened in Paris is unthinkable, but we're seeing it all the time."

Dave brings up the police in New York City. Donald says they've done an incredible job. It's the safest large city in the world. Dave points out that a million people come in for New Year's Eve, and everyone goes home safe.

Then Dave and Donald go through some of the celebrity apprentices, and who was fired or not. Donald fired one of the Jonas Brothers! (Fine by me.) Donald: "The women get into some of the greatest fights ever in reality television." The show's been on for 10 years, with 14 seasons, and their have been 15 failed knockoffs in the U.S. and abroad. Don's very happy that all the copies failed.

My episode logs aren't meant to be reviews, but for my money, Dave and Donald gave us a tremendous, entertaining interview.

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Dave with executive producers Nancy Agostini, Barbara Gaines, Matt Roberts and Jude Brennan, and of course Bill Scheft gets into the picture, too. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, we'll show you how to turn junk mail into a quick and delicious family meal!" ••• Chelsea Peretti plugs Brooklyn Nine-Nine. IMDB says, "Jake Peralta, an immature but talented NYPD detective in Brooklyn's 99th Precinct, comes into immediate conflict with his new commanding officer." ••• Foxygen and Star Power sing, accompanied by our pals in the CBSO. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• EXCITING NEWS: Amanda Peet is booked for January 14!

1/09/15 [4142]: NEW INTRO: "From Patterson, New Jersey, birthplace of the American Industrial Revolution, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Hey, by the way, if we have tourists in town, and you're lookin' for something to do over the weekend, on Sunday is No Pants Subway Day. You get on a subway. You take off your pants. What an event! Last year it was won by a guy from Kenya. ... I'm thinkin', if I want to see New Yorkers in their underpants (and sometimes I do... that's why I have the telescope in my apartment for God's sakes). When I retire, every day will be No Pants Sunday on the subway."

"I think I knew this. Down in Washington, D.C., the Senators all have a swimming pool, and the male Senators... use the swimming pool... swim in it naked. Oooh. Ladies and gentlemen, there's not enough chlorine in the world!" (me): He probably means the Libertarian Senators. Actually, there probably aren't any of those.

"Well, Sunday, the Golden Globe awards, ladies and gentlemen. That's exciting, right? It's always fun to see millionaire celebrities eating free dinners. Meryl Streep is nominated, as you know, for her incredible portrayal as James Brown. Wow!"

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Nova Scotia. ••• Back to the Senator's pool: Dave says the nekkid Senators often get into shenanigans. / video:
(VT): We see a tiny pool (or glorified bathtub) in a dimly-lit room. An affluent, nekked gent is being bathed by a male servant.

(affluent nekked gent, to the servant)1: "Do you eat oysters?"

(servant): "When I have them, Master."

(affluent nekked gent): "Do you eat snails?"

(servant, scrubbing way): "No, Master.)

(me): Ewww.

(Paul): "That's just horseplay."

1 This was a scene from Spartacus. I swiped the info from the Wahoo Gazette.

••• Pope Francis is sent a lot of gifts. He's raffling them off to benefit charities. There was a new bike, the expresso maker (from Alan Kalter, who's Jewish), and slightly-used swimming pants. / Let's all enjoy this video of Pope Francis attired in the swimming trunks one last time.
(beach scene)

(FX): It's the Late Show's FX hat trick. We see a civilian trotting along a beach with a papal mitre. Oh... I almost forgot. The gent must be nekkid, because there's an FX dot moving with him, to cover his hiney.

(Dave): "Don't throw anything away."

••• In 1795, Paul Revere and some of his pals placed a time capsule somewhere. Last week, a historical society in Boston opened the capsule. / video:
(lady in lab coat, wearing gloves): "There's something in here. It looks a resin of some sort. And they... you know... they said that they hermetically sealed this."

(close-up): It's a Bed, Bath & Beyonce® 20% off coupon. Don't get too excited. It expired on Dec. 13, 1795.

••• It's cue card technician Todd Seda's second interruption of the year, serial # 2015-0002. /
(Dave): "I'm sorry. What is... what is... what's going on there? Todd? Where are... Where did Todd go? Todd?"

(Todd pops out of a cardboard structure): "Hey Dave!"

(Dave): "Yeah?"

(Todd): "Check it out, man! I built a cue card fort!"

(Dave, smiling): "Yeah. That's... Well, you did! Yeah, you did. That's great, but you know, we're doin' the show, and that's... but that's great! You know, but we're..."

(Todd, super excited): "Naw, man. You wanna come inside? It's awesome in here!"

(Dave): "Yeah, well, I'm sure, but no, because we're... you know, you can see that we're right in... What is that?"

(Todd, playfully): "I've got Mountain Dew!"

(Dave): "Mountain Dew?"

(Dave, smiling, tearing off his suit jacket): "Well, OK! What the hell!? I'm goin' in! Come on! How do I get in here? Just like this?" (It's a two-person structure.)

Dave gets on hands and knees and backs into Fort Todd.

(Todd, from inside): "Yeah, come on in!"

(Dave): "Oh, this is keen! Oh, I like this! Oh, this is pretty good, isn't it? This is great!"

(Todd, doing the Dew): "Want a sip?"

(Dave): "Oh... just a minute? Is it cold? I don't like it too cold."

(Todd): "It's not too bad."

(Dave): "OK." (raising the cue card fort door): "Ladies and gentlemen, there's Paul Shaffer right over there. Paul?"

(Paul, after firing up the CBSO): "Get out of there! Get out of that thing! Come out of there!"

(Dave, peeking out of the fort): "Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back with Jeff Goldblum."

(cue card fort video)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Money Saving Tip: Drastically cut your monthly expenses by shoplifting." / a plug for Red Lobster® •••

ACT 2

Dave believes there are many good things about the world. Remember Bill Gates, who invented fire, gravity and the computer? Income from the three has left him financially solvent. Bill brought together some great minds to develop a contraption that can distill potable drinking water from human... uh, waste. CBS cares, Dave cares and Bill kindly sent the apparatus to the Ed for us to learn more. We're fortunate to have Mr. Joe Grossman, who has made the trip from upstairs to demonstrate proper operation and utilization of this promising invention, which is similar to the unit on the International Space Station. Dave calls this moment "the future of civilization."

Joe reaches for a tall glass and partakes of the potable beverage. He swishes the liquid around in his mouth, as if mouthwash.

Dave: "OK, now, tell us what you think, Joe."

Joe turns to his right and reaches for a loose 117-volt power cord. "Forgot to plug it in," he reports. He looks toward Dave and says, "It's still human waste."

"Oh," Dave replies, "OK, well... Let's try it next week, OK? Thanks. Joe Grossman, ladies and gentlemen."

Dave redirects Joe to the closest exit, and the CBSO play Metallica's "Enter Sandman."

Here's what to do. Get Chris Elliott, Dave's original taste tester, in for the next trial, just for old times. He's tried cooking oils, coffee grounds and dog food.

(YouTube)

(me): Was this segment inspired by Joe's "Ox, the Wilderness Expert," when Joe had a close encounter with Herbie Hancock? (video)

••• TTL setup: On January 3 in California (of course), a naked lady got stuck in her ex-boyfriend's chimney. She made quite a commotion, and firefighters had to come and destroy the chimney to set her free. Reportedly the chimney was a mere 12 inches square. Nice critical thinking skills, lady. ••• Top Ten Signs Your Ex May Be Nuts / #6 is a shout out to the gent from Nova Scotia. •••
Our old friend, Jeff Goldblum, plugs Mortdecai, set to open on January 23. He's been coming to see Dave since at least 1989. He's played piano in a couple of visits.

Jeff has a new gadget, the Fitbit®. It's an activity tracker, and he demonstrates the high-tech pedometer to Dave. The high-end models go for about $250. No thanks. Oh... while Jeff's moving around onstage, Dave notices Jeff's snazzy shoes. They seem to remind him of Mr. Pee Wee Herman. I'm not sure about the connection, as Pee Wee generally wore white shoes with his gray suits.

On November 8, Jeff married the incredibly beautiful Emilie Livingston, who's 30 years younger. (Nice going!) Emilie was in the 2000 Sydney Olympics at the age of 17, representing Canada in Rhythmic Gymnastics. At the time, she weighed 84 pounds, and she apparently is as flexible as anyone on earth. Jeff's obviously very proud of his lovely bride, and describes how flexible she is. Dave goes backstage to invite Emilie out for a demo. She's three-months pregnant, but well able to bring a leg straight up to her head, 180° from the other. (YouTube) It's awesome. Jeff must be a very smooth operator, because Emilie is a world-class beauty.

Jeff can wiggle his ears, and can wiggle them independently, too. He did this on a competing talk show recently.

Of Mortdecai, IMDB says, "Art dealer Charles Mortdecai searches for a stolen painting that's reportedly linked to a lost bank account filled with Nazi gold." Also in the cast are Olivia Munn, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Johnny Depp and Jennifer Connelly's hubby, Paul Bettany, who plays Jock Strapp. (Wouldn't it have been funnier to spell his name Jacques Strapp?) We see a clip of Jeff with Johnny Depp, who was so good I didn't recognize him for a bit.

It's quite an impressive cast, and Jeff certainly delivered a fun interview.

••• Act 5 skips the audience pan in favor of the Cue Card Fort, which has been relocated to a green room, I believe. We'll see exits from the fort, including Todd Seda (and his Mountain Dew), Joe Grossman (and his tall glass of human waste), Jeff Goldblum and Emilie Livingston Goldblum, the best-looking person ever. (cue card fort video) ••• Michael Somerville does stand-up. I enjoyed him very much! Watch for him at the Broadway Comedy Club in February. ••• Nicole Atkins sings "War Torn" from "Slow Phaser." (YouTube) ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/12/15 [4143]: NEW INTRO: "From Alder, Montana1, home of Chicks Bar, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." 1population 116 •••

MONOLOGUE

"New York City is a weird, weird town. Listen to what happened over the weekend. In Central Park, authorities captured and arrested a coyote... a wild, rabid, flesh-eatin' coyote! Coy o te! They caught him in Central Park. Now, here's the weird part. The coy o te... smart... gets himself a lawyer. In an hour, he's back on the street. Crazy, isn't it? Crazy! And the, uh... listen to this. The coy o te's lawyer is a real weasel. Not a sleazy guy... an actual weasel, ladies and gentlemen. An actual weasel, with a law degree!"

(In Kansas, we all say coyote as two syllables, the preferred way to pronounce it. In my little home town, you could hear them howling at night, but you never saw them. If a family pet turned up missing, you knew where it went.)


not a sleazy guy... an actual weasel

George Clooney got himself a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Golden Globes whoop-tee-do last night. (By the way, while he's never received a Golden Globe, Dave is the proud recipient of an award from the Golden Corral people.)

••• interruption: graphics on-screen and voice-over: "CBS: Home of the 2015 Winter Olympic games. Check your local listings." ••• Here's an announcement from Sylvester Stallone, who's making the fifth Rambo movie. / video:
(Rambo clips)

(voice-over): "Sylvester Stallone announced that the fifth and final film in the Rambo series will be Rambo: Last Blood. Stallone's next films will be Rambo: A Bit More Blood, Rambo: Definitely the Last of the Blood, Rambo: You'll Never Guess What I Found, Rambo: Turns Out There Was Even More Blood, Rambo: Actually, Some of It Was Salsa and Rambo: Let's Just Say, 'Last Blood for Now.'

(voice-over and graphic): "The End!"

••• Expect the unexpected from the Golden Globes. / video:
(clip): wide shot of the Golden Globes, with awards show music

(female voice-over, with clips of each actor): "The nominees for Best Actor are Robert Duvall, Matthew McConaughey, Ralph Fiennes, Tom Selleck, Tony Danza, Lou Diamond Phillips, Corbin Bernsen, Fyvush Finkel and the late Pat Morita. And the winner is... Burt Reynolds!"

(graphic): Dick Clark Productions

(me): These clips came from the 1980s and 1990s. For example, Burt Reynolds won a Golden Globe in 1992. Shecky must have had a busy day!

••• Mitten Romney may likely run for POTUS again. / video:
(clips of Mitt at speeches)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney announced that he's considering a third run for the presidency in 2016. Immediately after making the statement, seismologists recorded a momentary tremor in the earth's crust, which they attribute to every person on the planet simultaneously rolling their eyes."

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "More news, after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update: Since yesterday, additional events have taken place." / a plug for T Mobile® •••

ACT 2:

desk chat: (Dave): "I've said it a million times. What am I gonna do when there's no more show, and I don't have the band every night?" Paul: "What are you gonna do?" Dave: "Will you be somewhere where I can come and listen to you play?" (Paul): "We'll come... no... we'll come to you!" (Dave): "We'll put up a tent somewhere."

••• "Small Town News"

  • The Virgin Islands Daily, St. Thomas, Virgin Islands: HEADLINE: "Bovoni cookie fight ends with women arresting each other" and STORY: "It is unclear whether someone who already is under arrest can arrest someone who isn't."

    (Remember when Barney Fife put Gomer up to the idea of making citizen's arrests, and Gomer ended up arresting Barney for some misdemeanor?)

    (OK, hold on a minute.) The next entry, from Connersville, Indiana, gets Dave to thinking that it's the hometown of Lew Wallace, who wrote the novel Ben-Hur. Bill Scheft heads back to get the work from Mike McIntee, we presume. Wait... no, Mike's probably busy preparing for a segment we're about to see. Nope. We can see from IMDB that Lew expired in Crawfordsville, Indiana, but was born in Brookville, Indiana.

    (Hold on even longer.) Dave calls Biff from backstage to deliver dinner for two paperwork for 21 to an audience couple. They'd better find some dress clothes! The dude's wearing a hoodie. Paul plays the "Biff" theme song. They're from Abilene. (Texas or Kansas?)

  • News-Examiner, Connersville, Indiana: ADVERTISEMENT: (Welcome, Dr. Nanko!) "A new doctor in the area treats various conditions, including neck pain, back pain and dick herniation."

    The audience go nuts! (We pray that this was a typo of disk herniation!) Dave: "By the way, when I travel, that's the name I check into hotels with." Dave adds fuel to the fire: "Well, my friend, it looks like you've got a herniated dick."

  • Washington Herald-Times, Washington, Indiana: POLICE REPORT: "A man told police that while walking his dog... he found a $100 bill on the sidewalk, but before he could pick it up the dog ate it. He said he was waiting for the dog to do his business in hopes of recovering the money."

  • The Athens Messenger, Athens, Ohio: HEADLINE: "Study shows alcohol still region's biggest problem" / SMALLER HEADLINE ON SAME PAGE: "Celebration of Ohio craft beer returns to Athens this week"

  • The Daily Globe, Ironwood, Michigan: POLICE REPORT: "911 call from an 89-year-old resident... The woman said her mouth was dry and she asked officers to purchase a 12-pack of Coke for her. The woman said she didn't want to bother her son."

  • The Morning Journal, Lorain, Ohio: POLICE REPORT: "A... woman reported... there was a jeep in their yard and someone was laying on the horn. Police went to the yard and found a female passenger enaged in strenuous intercourse with the male driver. The woman told police... they decided to celebrate their one-year anniversary in the driveway."

  • Bangor Daily News, Bangor, Maine: ADVERTISEMENT: "Free cremation winner! Roanne Seeley won the drawing at our Open House."
•••
Gordon Ramsay plugs MasterChef Junior. It's on FOX on Tuesdays at 8 ET. Gordon has 27 restaurants, with more on the way.

Gordon's show is for kid chefs, ages eight to 13. Dave loves this concept, because it teaches kids self-reliance. Gordon adds that cooking (especially baking) teaches them problem solving, too. Cooking is an important life skill. Mr. Ramsay has a business called Bad Boys Bakery, which has items baked by prisoners.

Dave takes the opportunity to give Gordon the business over a restaurant in the Eiffel Tower that closed during his family's meal.

••• TTL montage / interruption: Michael Z. McIntee, as a UPS driver, has a delivery.
(Paul): "You know, there's a guy behind you!'

(Dave): "What? Hi. Who are you? What are you doin'?"

(Mike): "I have a package here for Dick Herniation."

(Dave signs for it.)

(Dave): "Thank you very much!"

(Dave, to Paul, after putting the package under his desk): "I mean... stuff will get lost. We get so much mail. If you don't... kind of indicate that it's yours, it gets misplaced."

••• Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Who Didn't Show Up for Work for 25 Years ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: (don't have names) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, crop rotation tips from today's hottest stars!" •••
Adam DeVine plugs Workaholics.

He tells a story that I'd read elsewhere, that he was hit by a cement truck as a kid, and spent two years in a wheelchair. He couldn't walk. But... he learned to say what he wanted and mouth off, because who could get by with hitting a kid in a wheelchair? Adam moved from Omaha to Los Angeles when he was 18, to be a stand-up comedian. We know him best as Bumper Allen, the villain from Pitch Perfect. He was Treble!

•••

DESK CHAT:

Dave does something I'm not sure we've ever seen before. He gives the boys of St. Paul and the Broken Bones an extended pep talk. Basically, Dave's asking for the best performance of their lives.

(Dave): "OK, here we go. Our next guests are a great group of musicians from Birmingham, Alabama. Are you guys ready? I mean, I want you guys to beat this to death! Seriously, I want this to be like the first time. I'll tell you somethin'... true story. The first time I heard this song, I was screaming 'til I cried. That's what I want. Can you do that for me tonight? Because... and let me... and it won't be your fault, but if I don't get that, I'm gonna stop the show, and we'll do it over. And Paul and I... we know you guys. You know Paul. We know you! We've known you guys for a long time. We tried to get you for a gig. WE KNOW WHO YOU GUYS ARE."

(Paul): "Somebody was getting married. They couldn't make the gig."

(Dave): "Oh, that's you."

(Paul Janeway): That's going to be a hard conversation to have."

(Dave): "I understand, but you know what I'm talkin' about. Let's launch this rocket, OK?"

(Paul Janeway): "Let's do it!"

(Dave): "You know what I'm talkin' about."

(Paul Janeway): "I know what you're talkin' about!"

(Dave, to the audience): "Wow! This is gonna be fantastic, ladies and gentlemen!"

(Dave, to Paul J.): "Tell 'em... tell 'em why you wrote this song."

(Paul Janeway, laughing): "Why I wrote this? Well, there was an old Wilson Pickett song called "634-5789."

(Dave): "Right."

(Paul Janeway): "And I'm a huge Wilson Pickett fan, and I thought..."

(Dave): "You wanted to have a song with a phone number in it."

(Paul Janeway): "I wanted to have a song with a phone number! Unfortunately, Birmingham... it leads to some sort of hotline, so it's not a good thing."

(Dave): "That's alright, but you know I'm retiring soon, so do it for ME!"

(Paul Janeway): "Absolutely!"

(Dave): "Just think of... maybe if I told you I was dying... as a final request."

(Paul Janeway): "Alright. That's... that's... Alright, let's do it!"

(Dave): "You guys know what I'm talkin' about, right? It's not your first gig."

(Paul Janeway): "Got it!"

(Dave, turning to the audience): "Ladies and gentlemen, their debut album is entitled "Half the City." Please welcome St. Paul and the Broken Bones."

(edit): On the band's web page tonight, they wrote, "Big thanks to all the folks @Letterman. Just a great atmosphere for us to do our thing. Tune in tonight to see our performance."

(edit): Band member Browan Lollar (@BrowanLollar) commented on Instagram on Dec. 13,

"It's safe to say that I'll remember yesterday for the rest of my life. I've been a life long Letterman fan. I once even lived behind a guy named Byron Wilkes who had every episode of Letterman on videotape. When the news came down that he would be retiring this year I thought that was it, no chance to appear on my favorite late night show. No one was more blown away by Dave's generosity than us. None of the interview was planned and we thought surely it would be edited out of the final television show. Dave, Paul Shaffer and the entire crew of the show were extremely accommodating to our huge band. They made us feel right at home. I even talked to Paul about David Hood and FAME Studios. I'd also like to add that my beautiful wife @alisonlollar always told me we would be on the show, even before @stpaulandthebrokenbones existed. I didn't believe her but obviously she has information the rest of us don't have."
(desk chat and musical performance)
••• St. Paul and the Broken Bones sing "Call Me" from their new album, "Half the City." I'm not a fan of many of the groups that come on the show, but these guys were really run and enjoyable, and Dave calls for an encore! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/13/15 [4144]: NEW INTRO: "From West Tipton, Indiana, home of people who live in West Tipton, Indiana, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Paul added a little melody from "Au clair de la lune" just as the CBSO was winding down the theme song. I can't link it to anything that happened in the show. Could it have been related to the preshow Q&A? •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Ohio State coach Urban Meyer... they're saying may be the greatest college football coach of all time. People say, 'Urban Meyer?' And I say, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't confuse Urban Meyer with our mayor, Mayor de Blasio. That's Urban Quagmire.' "

Dave announces that tomorrow, January 14, will mark 15 years since his quintuple bypass surgery. He gives a shout out to the fine people at Weill-Cornell Medical Center who saved him. Here's video of Dave's return to television on Feb. 21, welcomed onstage by Nadine Hennelly and Andrea Sande in scrubs, and the monologue. You also get to see Dave's prison haircut, and Foo Fighters performed.

••• Richard Linklater directed Boyhood, which was filmed over 12 years. His next one is equally impressive. / video:
(Boyhood clips)

(voice-over): "From the director of Boyhood, Richard Linklater, comes his next great epic. Shot over the past 65 years, this heartwarming story follows a young dreamer named Ray, who wants nothing more in the world than to become the United States Secretary of Transportation."

(Ray LaHood): "Hello, everyone. I'm Ray LaHood, Secretary of Transportation."

(voice-over): "La Hood. In theaters fall 2015."

(me): Well, you know what your mother always said...

••• Dave found something odd in the Golden Globes. / video:
(Orlando Bloom)1: "Here are the nominees for Best Foreign Language Film."

OK, now the fun starts. Shecky has dug up some previously-aired clips.

The Chosen One (China): the Chinese guy who pops balloons with violent head slams

A Home for Us All (Turkey): Superman slugs a guy

Here and Now (Cuba): Fidel trips on a step / crashes and burns

Revolutionary (Mexico): Mexican actor talks to a lady with robotic hooters

(Zoe Saldana): "And the Golden Globe goes to... Here and Now."

(Fidel encore)

1Wahoo Mike reports that the presenters were Colin Farrell and Lupita Nyong. I just looked up the advance presenters list and went with it.

••• "Awkward Presidential Moments" / video:
(title graphic and stately music)

(voice-over): "Walking in on Joe Biden."

(FX): It's the Late Show's fun trick of planting a famous person's head on some else's body. In this animation, we see Joe's head on someone who's nekked. (There's a big blue dot obscuring the junk.) I don't know what he's doin'. Maybe it's some kind of yoga nonsense. Let's all give thanks that this only lasted six seconds.

(title graphic and stately music)

••• Mitt Romney sings the Mormon National Anthem Norwegian National Anthem. / video / Dave declared it was the Mormon National Anthem on 8/20/12, which is why he cracks "Don't throw it away" afterward. ••• Alright! It's Todd Seda's interruption # 2015-0003. /
(Dave): "Yes, Todd."

(Todd, right hand raised): "Yeah, Dave, I have a question."

(Dave): "Sure. Go ahead."

(Todd): "Uhhh, I don't think I got that last joke."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. You didn't get the last joke? Oh, well, it's just a play on words. Like, you have... say you have Mastermind, and then you have Mastermind 2. That would be the sequel to the original Mastermind movie. And then, if you were gonna have, like, a third Mastermind movie, you'd say, 'Mastermind 3.' And that would be the third in the trilogy... the Mastermind trilogy. It's just a play on words. So, now, Romney... this will be his third run for president, so he says 'Romney 3.'

(Todd, after a long pause): "Oh. I guess I did get that joke."

(Dave): "Yeah. That's good."

(Todd turns to face the camera... head tilted... cynical expression.)

(FX): cartoon fail sound FX

The control room runs Late Show credits.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Nice going, loudmouth drug store clerk! Now everybody knows I was buying seasonal items!" / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2: Mitten Romney seems to have decided on another run for the White House. He's good enough to drop by for a moment.

It's an entry from the Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like to Say to the American People on 12/19/11 (I think): "Oprah is my half sister." Dave thanks Mitt, who exits the theater backward. Never turn your back on the control room!

Anyway, the best part of this is Paul Shaffer thinking to play Henry Mancini's "Baby Elephant Walk" for Mitt's entrance and exit. (If you don't get the joke, I can't help you.)

••• Dave, inspired by Mitt, attempts his backward exit, and challenges Anderson Cooper to do the same. ••• TTL setup: On Jan. 10 in Thailand, an elephant in heat was trying to service cars, and crushed one but good. / Top Ten Things Overheard Inside the Car That Was Crushed by An Elephant / #6 is an audience shout out: "Who cares, it's a rental car." •••
Anderson Cooper of Anderson Cooper 360° reports on his recent trip to France, after the murders there.

Last week, employees of a French satirical magazine were murdered by Muslims, after the magazine dissed Allah. Dave wants to know why Obama and Biden never troubled themselves to join other world leaders by visiting France. They'll be out of office in two years, regardless of their reasoning on this.

Dave maintains that one of these days, less radical Muslims will prevail, and the terrorism will stop. He assumes the Koran doesn't encourage this kind of behavior. Come on. They're teaching their radical hatred to little kids... programming them as soon as they can be taught anything.

Anderson says the terrorists want to push the idea that the West is at war with their religion.

CNN and many other outlets have so far not reproduced the cartoons that got the French people killed. This is unfortunately wise, because people are getting killed for even indirect references to Allah or Mohammad.

As always, Anderson is a tremendous guest.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, a disturbing new government study raises the question: Is your breath too fresh?" •••
Aubrey Plaza (@evilhag) drops by to plug Parks and Recreation, now in its final season. What's Aubrey going to do when her show ends? She's thinking of studying survival skills and marksmanship.

I don't know her work, but I paid attention tonight because of her little black dress. I quickly took a liking to her dry, sarcastic humor. I studied up on her, and was impressed that she respects Tina Fey and Winona Ryder, and most important, she's pals with Anna Kendrick. (Aubrey Plaza Is Not Mocking You) I read that she thinks she's a bad interview. I thought she was very cool and confident. Aubrey hits on Dave, asking if he'll go with her to this and that after retirement. Dave suggests the Wild West. It seems they have a deal. Aubrey loves the Wild West! "The wilder, the Wester," she says.

In a couple of days, Aubrey will start shooting a movie she doesn't name, Dirty Grandpa, with Robert DeNiro, who will play Dick, a perverted former Army general. Aubrey hopes it'll be a comedy. DeNiro's grandpa character is lookin' for some action. Aubrey will play a girl lookin' for some action, whose sole purpose in the movie is to have sex with DeNiro.

Aubrey has an ad for Newcastle Brown Ale for the Super Bowl, but it's not really about the Ale. It's about Newcastle's idea, Band of Brands, apparently to get small business some Super Bowl action. Look at Aubrey's crazy-assed YouTube video. The whole thing's cynical. She calls it an "anti-commercial." She was chosen to be their "anti-spokesperson" because, "I actually don't care." In the commercial, Aubrey says, "Let's team up to blow all of our marketing budgets... together!" We're supposed to use our givling fingers and march ourselves over to NewcastleBandOfBrands.com, and get with the program.

How about drinking the firewater? Aubrey reports that's she's about quantity over quality.

Oh, crap! I almost forgot. The control room ran a geezery-looking bumper of DeNiro after Aubrey's interview.

After this, I can sure see how Aubrey hits it off with Anna Kendrick.

••• Shovels & Rope sing something from their album "Swimmin' Time." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/14/15 [4145]: NEW INTRO: "From Miami Beach, the Sun and Fun Capital of the World, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is apparently to a brain surgeon from Hawaii. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"We had, runnin' loose in Central Park, we had a coyotee, or as they say out west, a coyote. A vicious, a snarling, rabid, fearsome coyote running loose in Central Park, terrorizing tourists, people... joggers, bikers. Coyote. Fearsome coyote. But they caught him! You'll never believe how they caught him! This was unbelievable. They sent to the coyote... they sent him a box of explosives, and the box was labeled ACME Steaks."

Dave announces that today marks 15 years since his quintuple bypass operation. He says it "quintupple," but I think you're supposed to say it "quintoople." Either way, Dave, thanks so much for surviving and stuff. Dave returned to TV on 2/21/00, and on 2/23/00 we saw "How the Media Covered Dave's Bypasses." (This wasn't on tonight's show.)

••• "Things Never Before Said by a President" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Barack Obama): "Caffeine-laced undergarments."

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• "Didn't See That Coming" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(TV anchor lady): "Ann Curry is reportedly parting ways with NBC News."

(title graphic)

••• The Today show is 63. / "Today Show Milestones" / video:
(title graphic with sunrise motif and dramatic music)

(clips)

(voice-over): "1952. The Today show premieres. 1953. The show boosts ratings by adding chimpanzee sidekick J. Fred Muggs."

(clip of J. Fred with Dave Garroway)

(voice-over): "1954. Today show hosts have the first in a long line of on-air feuds."

(clip): J. Fred goes into attack mode, shoving aside a little anchor's desk on wheels.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Today Show Milestones.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Unless I'm mistaken, tonight we're sponsored by the soup company, Progresso. Let me just double check." / a plug for Progressive insurance •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

Dave says he received a subscription to Audubon magazine for Christmas. He wants to talk about snow geese, claiming that they migrate around now. In mid January... in the dead of winter? They go to South America...

interruption: "CBS interrupts this broadcast to bring you a bear playing tether ball."

(clip of a bear playing tetherball with goofy music): (YouTube)

(graphic): CBS eye

(voice-over): "We now return you to the Late Show."

••• Now it's back to Dave, mid-sentence, with more fascinating snow geese trivia. ••• TTL set-up: Dave asks Bill Scheft if he knows who's run for president the most times. (Stay tuned.) ••• Top Ten Things Americans Said When They Heard Mitt Romney Wants to Run for President. / #6: "Does he know it's my Michaels' birthday on Friday?" is an audience shout out. ••• Dave gives us the word on who's run for president the most times. It was Harold Stassen, who ran nine times! •••
Amanda Peet plugs Togetherness, a new HBO offering on Sundays at 9:30 ET. IMDB says it follows two couples who live under the same roof. The lovely Amanda first appeared with Dave on 9/03/02, plugging Igby Goes Down. Last year, someone asked me to make a video of Dave and Amanda getting acquainted. (sorry about the annoying video hum bar) She says she's Dave's biggest fan. Then Jeff Goldblum's on the next night, singing her praises as his co-star in Igby. According to my logs, tonight marks Amanda's 14th appearance.

Amanda tells Dave that she gets very nervous before each appearance. The lovely hypochondriac loves Dave, but won't miss the symptoms.

Any well-schooled Dave fan knows that Amanda is one of his favorite guests. (Dave): "And I'll tell you something. If you weren't married to a very successful guy and had three beautiful daughters, and if I wasn't married to a lovely woman with a beautiful son, well... then I'd... call you." (Amanda): "And I would take that call! (Dave): "I hope that's not too threatening to our spouses!" (Amanda): "Every time I go home after appearing on this show, I have to repair my marriage!"

Amanda's hitched to the inventor and executive producer of Game of Thrones, David Benioff. (I have no idea what that is, except that it's a TV show.) Amanda doesn't get to be on it.

Now Dave gets to the family questions. Amanda has girls who are 7½ and 4½, and now a boy. The tyke was born on December 7.

Amanda asks Dave if Harry's starting to rebel. (Oops. She hasn't been watching the show!) As we know, every day's a non-stop argument, unless Harry wants something. Then he'll play nice. Her daughters are very different. Neither parent claims to be good with computers and technology the kids are using.

Dave brings up the movie. Amanda mentions the tetherball bear, and the control room cuts to the clip now and then. We don't hear much about the movie, but Dave concludes with, "Wouldn't it be great if this, all of a sudden, gets rid of that King of Thrones show?"

I'll really miss these visits with Amanda, and I have a feeling she'll be back, one last time.

••• The Late Show Improv Players (including R. J. Fried and Sue Hum, who's recently teamed up with Meryl Streep) act out a couple of themes. This segment was meant to be bad. Mission accomplished! ••• Late Show Staff Selfie (couldn't identify any of the four) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I dream of the day when tap water will be sparkling water!" •••
Simon Helberg of The Big Bang Theory is in to plug We'll Never Have Paris, which premieres on January 22. It's inspired by and about his intercontinental break-up with his wife in real life, Jocelyn Towne, who directed it.
••• Ryn Weaver sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

1/15/15 [4146]: NEW INTRO: "From Mars, the angry red planet, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tragedy strikes the Western Hemisphere, as we've learned that Rosie Perez is leaving The View. Dave: "I hope this doesn't screw up the chemistry." / vintage video: all five hosts talking on top of each other ••• We learned a few days ago that Speaker John Boehner's country club bartender had mixed up a plot to poison him. Dave has a theory that Mr. Bartender meant to poison him slowly, so Boehner couldn't connect the dots on what happened. / video: It's the Late Show's doctored photo of Boehner's glowing, pulsating, fluorescent orange face, with FX humming of a neon sign high-voltage transformer. ••• interruption: It's the tall, gray-haired gent who plays hotshots and politicians. Who will he be tonight? Stay tuned. / video:

(Dave): "Hi. How are you?"

(gray-haired gent): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Nice to see you. Can I help you?"

(gray-haired gent): "Well, thank you. I'm Matt Rhoades, campaign manager for Mitt Romney."

(Dave, excited): "No kidding! Matt Rhoades, ladies and gentlemen... campaign manager..."

(Matt Rhoades): "Thank you very much."

(Dave): "... for Mitt Romney. Well, thank you for being here. Pleasure to have you with us. Mr. Rhoades, what can I do for you?"

(Matt Rhoades): "Well Dave, I've been hanging around backstage all week, and I couldn't help but overhear a few remarks you made at Mitt's expense."

(Dave): "Just some little jokes. Just some light jokes."

(Matt Rhoades): "Very humorous. But you and your listeners should know that Mitt isn't actually running for president."

(Dave): "No, no. I heard it... I heard it in the paper that he was running for president. It was all set. It was gonna be a big deal... 2016... runnin' for president."

(Matt Rhoades): "No. It's... Mitt's been feeling down since the 2012 election, so to cheer him up, we got the old gang together, to pretend that he has another shot."

(Dave, smiling): "Well, that's interesting. That's a nice to do. And he has no idea?"

(Matt Rhoades): "None at all."

(Dave, laughing)

(Matt Rhoades): "We'll break it to him eventually."

(Dave): "OK. That's good. Well, that's interesting!"

(Matt Rhoades): "Q-tip®?"

(Dave): "No, thanks."

(Matt Rhoades, excavating wax): "Man, that feels good!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Just get out of here!"

(Matt Rhoades): "See you all in Great Salt Lake!"

(Dave): "Yeah, OK."

••• "Politicians React to Mitt Romney's Announcement" / video:
(title graphic and suspenseful music)

(voice-over): "Senator Ted Cruz."

(Ted): "Whether it's John McCain, whether it's Mitt Romney, the result, over and over again, is we lose."

(voice-over): "Senator Rand Paul."

(Rand): "I think it's time for some fresh blood."

(voice-over): "Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton."

(Hillary): laughing like a witch

(title graphic and suspenseful music)

••• Oscar nominations were announced early today. Let's see the nominations for Best Picture. / video:
(lady): "We are pleased to announce the films selected as the Best Picture nominees: Boyhood, The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything, Me and Mr. Heimlich, Space Yak, Grandpa Buys a Fat Camp, Punctuation! The Movie?, My Deviated Septum, Mounds and Mounds of Coleslaw and Spring Break 3: Destination Herpes. Congratulations to all the nominees."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I still don't understand why radio deejays can get in trouble for accepting granola." / a plug for J. C. Penney •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

  • Dave thanks people at New York Presbyterian Weill-Cornell Medical Center for saving his life back in early 2000: Dr. Lou Aronne, cardiologist Dr. Martin Post, cardiologist Dr. Lawrence Katz, anesthesiologist Dr. Pavel Illner, Dr. Karl Krieger, his lead surgeon: Dr. O. Wayne Isom (who has done 38,000 cardiac procedures), nurses Anna Williams and Donna Reilly.

  • Yesterday, Dave's assistant, Joanna DeMartin, gave birth to Eleanor Connors DeMartin. She was a big girl: 8 lbs., 5 oz. It should be noted that Joanna was pregnant for 18 months. Everyone's happy and healthy, including David, the father, and the whole bunch are at home, drinking seltzer.
•••
Larry David is in to plug his new play, Fish in the Dark. It will open on March 5 at the Cort Theatre, 138 W. 48th Street.

I've known of Larry David longer than David Letterman, because I was a regular viewer of Fridays, which ran after the news on Friday evenings on ABC, if I recall, from 1980 to 1982. It had a similar format to SNL. Other regulars included Brandis Kemp, Mark Blankfield, Maryedith Burrell, Melanie Chartoff, Darrow Igus, Bruce Mahler and Michael Richards. It was a tremendous show, which had all kinds of celebrity guest hosts. I loved it! I remember a recurring skit that had Michael Richards as a little boy in his underpants, playing with toys in his sandbox. It was completely ridiculous, and always hilarious. I had a big crush on the incredibly cute Melanie Chartoff, who among other things was the anchor on their "Weekend Update" clone. Another recurring bit I loved had Bruce Mahler playing a number on a grand piano, which happened to have a pot of boiling water on it. At the conclusion of his musical number, Bruce would dunk a chicken carcass in the water. There was some crazy stuff on that show. (Wikipedia) What I don't know is how I watched the show in 1982, because LNDL had just started. Maybe that's when Dave only had four shows a week, and not a Friday episode. I started watching LNDL in its first week in February 1982.

Dave points out that Larry isn't often seen on talk shows, and thanks him for dropping by the Ed. He and Dave are both 1947 products, by the way. Larry likes to be on talk shows... occasionally.

Larry has a mini-rant on getting out of being in his play, which he wrote and stars in. He's not an actor, he says, but he stars in the play. Larry's friend's father died, and he thought there were funny things related to him kicking the bucket that could be in a play. It turned out that the lead character is a lot like Larry, and who better to play him? Plus... the producer said starring in it would be good for his social life. There's one missing link here. How does he have a social life and/or get laid when he's always at the theater?

He doesn't like going to the theater. It reminds him of going to an airport. Add to that the fact that he worries about the actors in a live performance messing up their lines, etc.

Dave assures Larry that he and Paul are going to come and see the play. Larry implores Dave not to come: "You're not coming. First of all, you have a very distinctive laugh. I know your laugh. I'm gonna hear your laugh. I'm gonna go, 'Oh, Dave's in the audience. What's Dave doin' here? I wonder if Dave's enjoying the show.' " Then Larry's going to lose his focus, and probably get fired or something.

There's a discussion about Larry's extended stay in a hotel. Everyone knows your business. Speaking of that, a housekeeper walked in on him when he was nekked, and she saw his wiener. Then she screamed and made a big commotion, ran out of the room and moved back to Poland. Not only that, all the staff now turn their backs on Larry when he enters... like the NYPD pay their respects to de Blasio.

Too bad for Larry... Dave and Paul are coming on opening night!

•••
Dan Patrick plugs the Dan Patrick Show. Apparently it's a three-hour show that's both on TV, and is a podcast. I don't know. I'm not watchin' it.

A story published yesterday claims that Dan and Dave don't like each other at all... that Dan doesn't like Dave's questions in interviews or something. It suggests that Dave invites Dan to his show only to mess with him. Part of the alleged feud goes back to Dave referring to Dan as a "stooge" when Adam Sandler was on a while back. (Dan's had a part in every one of Adam Sandler's movies: 10 of 'em.) They get along pretty well tonight, but the control room did have the "stooge" clip (with Adam) ready for Dan to call up. At least Dave hasn't disrupted Dan's show with a bullhorn.

EDIT: Oops! While Wahoo Mike was writing the Gazette for this episode, he looked back to see what he'd written about the stooge scandal. It wasn't mentioned, because he invited an amateur guest author: me. I wrote quite a bit on Adam Sandler's interview, but failed to mention Dave's stooge reference. I'm sorry about that. I got my 15 minutes of fame by writing that Wahoo Gazette installment, and I got a bonus 15 minutes of fame by not anticipating a question that would come up eight months later.

Here's video of Dave calling Dan Patrick the stooge word on May 15, 2014. (Dan): "It's not that you called me a stooge. It's that you don't know how hard it is to be a stooge in a movie. I work hard. I work my ass of to be a stooge in those Sandler movies, and you totally disregarded it." At this point, Dave doesn't know if Dan's serious or not. Then Dan presents Dave DVDs of all of his movies. (me): Dan doesn't think Dave knows how hard it is to be a stooge in a movie? We wonder if he's aware of Dave's work in Cabin Boy.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, warning signs that your tropical fish may be ready to snap!" ••• Sleater-Kinney do a song from "No Cities to Love." They last appeared on LSDL on 6/27/05. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

1/16/15 [4147]: NEW INTRO: "From room 815 at the Stadium Motor Lodge, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

interruption: "Aerial coverage of tonight's show provided by Packard Engineering, makers of amorphous metal slabs. Packard Engineering: Amorphous metal slabs are our business. How you use them is your business."

"The Academy Awards show is scheduled for February 22nd, and then February 23rd, of course, everybody goes back to rehab."

"Here now is an example of why the rest of the world hates us. Last night on another network... I don't even know what it was... like the CW or something." (looking at Paul): "I thought that was one of those shortwave things." (Paul): C. W. McCall." (Dave again): "CB. Citizens Band... that's what it was called... they had a show, The World Dog Show." (me): Dave got it right the first time, by accident. CW in shortwave radio is the acronym for continuous wave, which is the technical term for Morse Code sent by radio.

"Happy birthday to Betty White. I'm being told firefighters have the cake under control, and neighbors can move back into their homes." (Betty's 93rd birthday is actually tomorrow.)

Dave tells a John Boehner joke, then vetoes it. Todd tosses the card, and Dave moves on to a John Boehner video.

••• "The World Dog Awards" / video:
(title graphic)

(female voice-over): "Live from Los Angeles, it's The World Dog Awards. Let's see what's happening on the red carpet."

(live video): That's right. You guessed it. A custodial worker has the red carpet all soaped up, and is using a large brush to remove all traces of the dogs taking leaks... or worse.

(female voice-over): "More of the World Dog Awards after these messages."

(me): Has it never occurred to anyone to put some fire plugs off to the side of the red carpet?

(title graphic)

••• It's Mitt Romney singing the "Mormon National Anthem" again. This is kind of exciting: onscreen lyrics have been added. Watch closely, won't you?
I'm wealthy and I'm white
If you're not, it's still alright!
Join now our Mormon team!
Be like Mitt and live the dream!

"Who wants to come up here and help me sing the second verse?"

(me): I see from reading the Wahoo Gazette that the first half of Mitt's song was edited out.

••• This business of a bartender plotting to poison John Boehner, third in line to the presidency, is serious stuff. Here's an announcement from the Poisoning Is Serious people. (I got ahead of myself. It's from the United States Department of Health. It seems they're against poisoning.) / video:
(photo): four bottles of poison, each with skull and crossbones

(female voice-over): "Poisoning is deadly, and can act quickly."

(photo): woman on the phone with a poisoning victim

(female voice-over continues): "Contact a poison control center immediately if you're experiencing the following: discolored skin," (orange John Boehner) "heightened emotional sensitivity," (weepy John Boehner), "severe irritability," (Boehner hollering 'hell no'), "increased libido." (porno music as Boehner awkwardly hugs Pelosi)

(HHS logo and voice-over): "A message from the U. S. Department of Health."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "And now, the results of of last night's coin flip! Congratulations to everyone who guessed 'heads'!" / a plug for Nationwide ••• TTL setup: In an article in Nature Communications, scientists claim that the first verbal communication among humans took place between 1,800,000 and 2,500,000 years ago. Dave first suggested the 1940s, so Paul had to give him a Moe Howard threat. / Top Ten Things Said During the First Conversation / It's a top-notch Top Ten:

10. "Sup, Bro?"
9. "Cold enough for ya?"
8. "What's with the silent treatment?"
7. "I think you mean 'whom.' "
6. "You're such a tool, whatever that is."
5. "I miss not talking."
4. "Did you have to bring that up?"
3. "Excuse me, I should mingle."
2. "Hey, Regis!"
1. Will you please shut up?"

•••

Urban Meyer, coach of the NCAA Division I Football national champion Ohio State Buckeyes, drops by. They won the big game on January 5. Late Show fans wondered why the CBSO played Coach on with "Hang on Sloopy." Way back when, the Ohio State band, at the insistence of one of their members, tried playing the song. It caught on, and it became a tradition for the band to play it between the third and fourth quarters at every football game. (YouTube) It's like "Wabash Cannonball" being the party song at all Kansas State sporting events, as well as part of pregame festivities. (.mp3)

What a record Coach Meyer has! He's 141-26 as a head coach. He now has coached teams to three national championships. His record at Ohio State is 38-3.

Dave starts by asking about recruiting. Signing day is Feb. 3. Coach and his nine assistants are already on the recruiting trail for the future. Of course, an appearance on the Late Show doesn't hurt at all. How about that championship win over Oregon, 42-20? "Did you know you would flatten them?" Dave asks. He had an idea they were doing OK when they beat Wisconsin 59-0 to win the Big 10. Dave wants to know how many schools are in the Big 10 these days. It's somewhere in the range of 10 to 14.

Ohio State won the championship with their third-string quarterback, Cardale Jones, after the other two were injured. Coach won't say the name of Michigan. Dave couldn't get him to say it, anyway. (Dr. Frank Tracz, director of bands at K-State, has two degrees from Ohio State, and he won't say it, either.)

After commercials, Dave asks about leadership. At Ohio State, they refer to The Brotherhood of Trust. They have Tim Kite, a leadership guru, come and work with them. They have about 105 players, from different backgrounds and cultures. They have to learn that events will happen in their lives, and it's about how you respond to them. Dave makes the excellent point that developing players is like a moving target. "You can't have one meeting, opening day, and expect that to hold for the rest of the season." Coach Meyer agrees, and says their leadership program is a six- or seven-week workshop.

How about a coach's nightmare, social media? On October 2, 2012, when redshirted, Cardale Jones took it upon himself to tweet, "Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain't come to play SCHOOL, classes are POINTLESS." Mr. Jones later responded that tweeting that "was a dumbass thing to do." Coach Meyer takes it well, and says, "I think that's the old Cardale."

Dave brings up a major topic these days, "Why don't these kids get paid?" Coach replies, "I don't believe athletes should be paid. I believe they should be taken care of, the best they can, but the amateur status, and bein' a college student... you'll lose what college football is all about... college sports are all about. But I do believe that we need to do more for the players."

(video)

••• desk chat with Paul: Dave wishes he were Urban Meyer. Currently he's coaching Harry. ••• It's time for a long-overdue visit with Rupert Jee, and "Rupert's Comedy Special of the Day." / video:
Dave visits with Rupert, congratulating him on reopening after the grease fire. "We were never closed," Rupert replies. Then there's mention of the two men who just climbed El Capitan in Yosemite, a 3,000-foot climb. (story) Oops. Rupert has to answer the phone. Now Rupert delivers a joke about climbing John Kerry's long face, then voices comedy sound FX: boing, cuckoo, crash, dwang, whoop, aahoogah, yeehaw, yeehaw, baaaaa, boing, cuckoo, crash, twang, whoooop, aahoogah, yeehaw, yeehaw, baaaaa, boing, whoooop, aahoogah, twang, crash, cuckoo, boing, yeeehaw, yeeehaw, baaaaa, cuckoo, crash, twang, whooop..."

Dave goes to commercials.

(video)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hey, World Court in The Hague! Would it kill you to put free WIFI in the jury waiting room?" ••• desk chat: Dave's still impressed with Urban Meyer. ••• Johnny Beehner (not to be confused with John Boehner) does stand-up. ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: I think it's Chris Dimino and two lovely females. ••• Ella Henderson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• full credits ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

1/19/15: REPEAT FROM 1/05/15

1/20/15: REPEAT FROM 1/07/15

1/21/15: REPEAT FROM 11/17/14

1/22/15: REPEAT FROM 1/09/15

1/23/15: REPEAT FROM 10/14/14

1/26/15 [4148]: NEW INTRO: "From the Stadium Motor Lodge in the heart of the Bronx, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"There talkin' about blizzard-like conditions here in New York City. Blizzard-like conditions, here in the city. I'm no expert but, honest to God, isn't that a blizzard?"
••• interruption: It's the tall, gray-haired guy who plays politicians and other hotshots. Who could he be tonight? He's not wearing his usual suit. He has an outfit like a politician who's at a disaster scene would wear.
(Dave): "How are you doin'? Ladies and gentlemen, it's the mayor of New York City, Mayor de Blasio." (shaking hands) "Mayor... attaboy!"

(Mayor de Blasio): "Hello, Dave. I'm New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio."

(Dave): "Yeah, that's right. I just announced that. Thank you, Mayor."

(Mayor de Blasio): "Well, Dave, we're in the middle of a major winter storm."

(Dave): "Oh... Godzilla! Snowzilla! Snowzilla!"

(Mayor de Blasio): "Quite frankly, it's the most powerful blizzard to hit New York since the creation of the universe."

(Dave): "Is that... is that... is that true?"

(Mayor de Blasio): "Absolutely!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Mayor de Blasio): "And given an event of this magnitude, I just wanted to personally invite your listeners to come to New York City, and experience it first-hand!"

(Dave, smiling): "Boy, that... boy, that... no."

(Mayor de Blasio, louder): "Nobody does a blizzard like the Big Apple!"

(Dave): "Yeah, OK, but... you know, that seems dangerous, and unwise."

(Mayor de Blasio): "The only time the city sparkles even brighter is after a new-fallen snow."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Sure."

(Mayor de Blasio): "Plus, we brought back the squeegee guys!"

(Dave): "Nobody wants that, but that's... that is quite an achievement. I'll give you that, Mayor."

(Mayor de Blasio): "Well, I've gotta go shut down the subway now. Come and join the blizzard in New York City, home of last year's Super Bowl!"

(Dave): "OK, great. Mayor de Blasio."

(CBSO): "New York, New York."

••• Donald Trump owns a resort, Mar-A-Lago, in Palm Beach, Florida. He's suing Palm Beach International Airport for $100,000,000 because the jets are driving his guests crazy. Here's an announcement. It's a spoof of starving third-world kids assistance funds. / video:
(clip): Mar-A-Lago

(moody piano music)

(female voice-over): "This is a resort called Mar-A-Lago, and that sound is a passenger jet departing Palm Beach International Airport, disturbing Mar-A-Lago's guests. These people desperately need your help. Your gift of only $15 per day will help Donald Trump pay for the legal expenses associated with suing the airport to modify their air traffic patterns. We'll also send you a picture of a resort guest who benefits from your support."

(graphic and voice-over): "The Donald Trump Legal Fund. Imagine a brighter future for billionaires."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder! According to the Post Office, tomorrow is the last day to mail packages. / a plug for Cascade® •••

ACT 2

desk chat: We see clips of snow shoveling on the sidewalk at 53rd St. and Broadway. You can be sure that tomorrow the New York Times will have a picture of some stooge skiing down Broadway. ••• Alan: Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Lincoln's MKC. / Via satellite (looks taped) from WCBS-2 TV, chief weather forecaster Lonnie Quinn presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Weatherman During a Blizzard. It's a good list!

10: The rain has somehow turned into a mysterious white powder.
7: The snow accumulation makes it a perfect day to hide a body.
6: Here are the current conditions for all you slobs too lazy to look out a window.
5. As temperatures drop, the melodrama in my voice will increase.
2. This storm will continue until my demands are met.

•••

Louis CK's just sold out four evenings at Madison Square Garden. He's in to plug Louis CK: Live at the Comedy Store, which can be downloaded tomorrow, and this time he has a tie.

Louis's girls are excited about the blizzard. He warned them that they're probably going to die. Meanwhile, Dad's here at a talk show. He's had to cancel the fourth show, tomorrow, because of El Blizzardo Grande.

Comedy in a big arena is a different critter than a rock concert, because mostly people are listening instead of screaming their heads off. It's pretty great when 15,000 of 'em laugh at your joke. But... there are usually 1,000 who are disappointed. They're the ones you pick out of the crowd.

Louis and Dave visit about the Comedy Store in Los Angeles. Even after appearing with Dave, Louis had to audition there. One time, Mitzi Shore called him offstage immediately after he introduced himself! Her veto comes by way of a light above Eddie Cantor's picture. He couldn't believe it, so he kept going. Then he saw Mitzi giving him the "you're out" thumb. She hated him. Eventually he went back. Dave loved the Comedy Store, and the excitement of being on Sunset Boulevard.

Louis's a fan of those rascally New England Patriots, so he and Dave visit about the underinflated football scandal that's playing out now. (The Patriots stomped the Colts the other day.) Brady and Belichick claim total innocence, and so does their owner. Louis says, "Well, 'cause they want to win real bad, so sometimes you do stuff that's not fair... so that you can win! I have no problem with it. I think it's hilarious... and why not? It's a stupid football game. Just deflate the balls, poke a guy in the eye, or whatever." Dave says Tom Brady shot his mouth off to the Baltimore Ravens, and they're who turned in the Patriots about Brady's soft balls. Louis adds fuel to the fire: "When it's your turn to use the rules, you use it against the other team, and when you want to do something wrong in order to win, you do that. And then you get caught, and people yell at you, and you go, 'I don't know.' " Dave wonders about teaching honesty. Louis says, "You want to raise an honest person, but you want them to have a good life. You want them to use every tool available to them, and sometimes lying is a very effective way..." Dave begs to differ: "Honesty is its own reward." It keeps getting deeper. Louis replies, "I don't think so. I don't think you should lie, but I get it."

I really enjoyed Louis's visit. I may not do business with him, but his naughty take on honesty was really funny. After I wrote up his segment, I got to wonder what's the deal with a last name of CK or C.K. IMDB had my answer. He was born Louis Szekely. Do you say two syllables or three, and how do you accent them? Meanwhile, everyone knows who Louis C.K. is, and now I know where those initials came from.

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: I have no idea who they are. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "For the last time, no, I don't have a CVS Extracare Card." •••
Nicolle Wallace, W's former communications director, is in to plug The View. She signed on earlier this fall. I had no idea what to expect from her, but it was a very entertaining and interesting interview.

First Dave wants to talk about her days in the communications industry. Nicolle says they'd make elaborate plans on how an event or speech should go down. They'd prepare for everything. Then one day, Dick "Kaboom" Cheney shot somebody. Now, we don't believe he meant to shoot his friend. It wasn't like Aaron Burr shooting Alexander Hamilton.

Nicolle really enjoyed her time with George W. Bush. She says she revered and adored W. "That was a good stint. I mean, I had the job for Sarah Palin and John McCain, too, so yeah..." Nicolle obviously had high respect for Senator McCain, but he thought he needed to do something "out of the box," so he signed on Palin as his running mate. Nicolle pretty much lays it on the line. She says Palin couldn't go toe-to-toe with McCain's knowledge and experience. "She was able to excite us, but she wasn't able to prove she had the experience for the job." Nicolle says Palin gave a speech in Iowa last weekend that displayed all the gaps in her knowledge. Then Dave goes back to the famous Katie Couric interview, when Palin couldn't name the newspapers she read... possibly because she hadn't read any.

We know Dave doesn't have much use for Dick Cheney. He says outright to Nicolle that Cheney seems cold-hearted, and wanted to go to war because he "was in the pocket of big oil." Nicolle replies that Cheney was soft-spoken and kind. She says it isn't fair to claim that Cheney and Bush wanted to go to war. She uses the term "doctrine of pre-emption." They wanted to deal with threats before they came here.

Again, Nicolle gave a very interesting and enjoyable 12 minutes.

••• The Lone Bellow sing a number from their album, Then Came Morning. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig.]

1/27/15 [4149]: NEW INTRO: "From New York City... 'You call that a blizzard?,' it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Hey, here's somethin', ladies and gentlemen. Hang onto somethin'. Listen to this. You go into Kentucky Fried Chicken now. You remember it used to be you'd go in there, and you'd get yourselves a big cardboard bucket of fried chicken? Oh, man, was that good! And you thought to yourself, 'This is so good. This is all you ever really need. Give me a big, cardboard bucket of fried chicken.' It was that tasty. Now you go into Kentucky Fried Chicken... they have something called the Double Down Dog. Anybody had a Double Down Dog? Have you boys? You've had the Double Down Dog? It's double the trouble to keep down, is what they're talkin' about, but... no, no. That's not my point. It's a hot dog. Let me break this down for you. It's covered in cheese, wrapped in fried chicken. He he. Yeah! I mean, honest to God, shouldn't they call it the Double Over?" (holding tummy) "Uh oh. Look out! Whoa! Oooooh!"

"More security trouble at the White House. Over the weekend, a drone... a drone... an unoperated aircraft, landed on the White House lawn, and today... all the way to the front porch of the White House... you'll never guess what happened. Just about to ring the doorbell... happened earlier today... a Jehovah's Witness got all the way up... just about to ring... almost rang the doorbell!" ••• The New England Patriots got caught tweaking their footballs' air pressure the other day. It's the biggest scandal since Eve fed Adam that apple, back in the old days. Let's settle back and enjoy our first [SPOILER] Chris Christie fat joke of 2015, entitled "Underinflated / Overinflated."

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(graphic and voice-over): "Underinflated: Footballs used by the New England Patriots."

(photo): an NFL referee holding a ball

(graphic and voice-over): "Overinflated: Governor Chris Christie."

(photo): the governor, looking both fierce and very well-fed

(sound FX): boing!

(clip): blizzard scene... stuck car... snowy multi-lane highway

(voice-over): "Due to the blizzard, the Late Show writers were unable to come to work, and the preceding joke was written by the Late Show Comedy Computer."

(photo): Yup. It's a Commodore 64 (or 128) system, with keyboard, floppy disk drive and display.

(FX): low-quality male computer voice announces, "You're welcome, America."

••• interruption: Supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis moseys out to Dave's monologue mark. What mischief is she up to this evening?
(Dave, smiling): "Oh, my gosh! Hi, Kathy. How are you? Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to a great friend of ours. This is supervising producer Kathy Michalcik. Kathy, nice to see you! Thank you for being here."

(Kathy): "It's Mavrikakis, Dave."

(Dave): "Not Michalcik?"

(Kathy): "No."

(Dave): "Since when?"

(Kathy): "1994."

(Dave): "You know, uh, Kathy, we're right in the middle of a show, and I appreciate you coming out, but we do have to move it along."

(Kathy): "I just wanted to come out, to stop by and see if you're OK."

(Dave, smiling): "Oh, I'm fine. Thank you, Kathy."

(Kathy): "You're... you're sure you're OK?"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Kathy): "Your heat's working... you have plenty to eat?"

(Dave): "Yeah! I'm fine. Thank you. I really am. I'm fine."

(Kathy): "Because I heard on the radio that during a storm, you should really check in on the elderly."

(audience giggles)

(Kathy, turning to leave): "Don't overdo it!"

(Dave): "Thanks." (to Paul): "That was sweet, wasn't it? Did you know she was Mavrikakis now?"

(Paul): "Yes."

(me): Remember back on November 5, 2013, when Dave played a practical joke on Kathy, and made her think he had just kicked the bucket? It kind of backfired, because she didn't take the discovery quite the way Dave expected. (prank video)

••• King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia croaked on January 23, and Barack Obama went over there to attend his memorial service. / video:
(clip): Obamas exiting Air Force One

(Freeplay music): "Breaking Now"

(voice-over): "On Tuesday, President Obama led a U.S. delegation to Saudi Arabia, to attend King Abdullah's memorial service. Others of note in attendance included Secretary of State John Kerry, Senator John McCain, Mario Van Peebles, Jeff Goldblum and Mr. T. Jeff Matthews, CNN."

(CNN logo)

••• It's Todd Seda's monologue interruption # 2015-0004. He raises a hand, and is called on by Dave.
(Dave): "What? What? Do I have...? What, Todd? Yes? Appreciate you... Yes. Go ahead."

(Todd): "Just checkin' in. Are you sure you're OK?"

(Dave, smiling): "Yes, Todd. I'm fine. Thank you very much."

(Todd): "Awesome! Don't get overheated, man."

(Dave): "No, I won't. I'm fine."

••• "U. S. Senate Mispronunciation of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and adventure music)

(onscreen graphic): "GITMO DETAINEES RELEASED / SHOULD PRISON BE CLOSED?"

(Senator Ben Cardin, D-MD): "It's certainly past time to close GUATAMANO Bay."

(FX): GUATAMANO and Late Show "no" buzzer

(Senator Ben Cardin, D-MD): "It's millions of dollars per inmate that we're spending, uh, to maintain GUATAMANO Bay."

(FX): GUATAMANO and Late Show "no" buzzer

(Senator Ben Cardin, D-MD): "But to continue GUATAMANO GAY..."

(FX): GUATAMANO GAY and Late Show "no" buzzer (x2)

(me): I disagreed slightly with the show's spelling of his blunder.

(title graphic and adventure music)

(YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know? The loveseat is the most popular type of emotion-based furniture." / a plug for Amazon Fire TV Stick •••

ACT 2

outside cam: We see the aftermath of yesterday's 10 inches of snow. •••

"Charts and Graphs"

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

What caused the blizzard?
    70% global climate change
    20% low pressure system
    10% evil consortium of snow shovel manufacturers and the road salt industry

Signs people are having a hard time adjusting to 2015
    25% "I'm still writing 2014 on my checks"
    25% "I still have my December calendar on the wall"
    50% "My poliical party may run our losing presidential candidate from 2012"

Uses for balloon animals
    96% entertaining children
    4% anatomy classes at veterinary schools

Most popular palindromic names
    58% Bob
    29% Hannah
    13% Gug

On a scale of 1 to 10, how good are you at following directions?
    100% yes

Have you ever had sex with a mailbox?
    94% no
    4% yes
    2% can't remember

What do you think Congress will do in 2015?
    50% nothing
    50% not do anything

What's your favorite part of swimming naked in the Senate pool?
    25% the camaraderie
    15% the exercise
    60% exploring "bipartisanship"

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

•••
Oscar Isaac is in to plug A Most Violent Year, which opens on January 30. IMDB describes the movie with, "In New York City 1981, an ambitious immigrant fights to protect his business and family during the most dangerous year in the city's history."

Dave asks Oscar about the snowstorm. He's not impressed, as he's from Miami, and survived Hurricane Andrew. His family's roof blew off! So there.

It's a busy time for Oscar, because he has X-Men: Apocalypse due out on May 27, 2016, but first is a guaranteed blockbuster: Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens at Christmas! Dave wants to help promote it, so he runs a clip. Oh, very funny. It's Commando Cody!

•••

Alan informs us that tonight's TTL is sponsored by Lincoln's new hybrid, the MKZ. / Dave helps with the plug (maybe) by musing about taking an MKZ out on I-70 (Hey... that's where I live) and driving west. / Top Ten Things People Said After Eating KFC's New Double Down Dog / #6 is a shout out to a couple from Colon, Michigan. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the amazing story of a man who steeped a tea bag for a record-shattering 66 hours!" •••

Whitney Cummings is in to plug her hosting gig on the Late Late Show tomorrow and Thursday, on the Tiffany Network. She takes the liberty of pointing out that she's subbing for Andrew Luck, who was snowed out. She'll talk sports with Dave if he wants, but we quickly see she's no Sam Ponder. She had her own talk show on the E! Network, but it went away. Whitney jokes that she's working toward a career as a talk show guest. She'll go from talk show to talk show, plugging and recapping her appearances on past and future talk shows. Dave surprises us by wondering out loud why the new guy for the Late Late Show is taking so long to show up and get started, and he refers to him as the "tubby guy," or words to that effect. Now I'm wondering if the new LLS will be a Worldwide Pants production or not.
••• Drenge sing. I dug around to see where on earth their name came from, but no luck. They're from England. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig.]

1/27/15: Dave and Paul appeared on tonight's Late Late Show with guest host Regis Philbin. It was a nice visit. The show's originating from New York this week, for some unknown reason. (110 MB video)

1/28/15 [4150]: NEW INTRO: "From the Teen Center in West Hartford, Connecticut, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Anybody in the audience expecting a baby? Do we have mothers, fathers, expecting parents-to-be? Listen to this... and one of the big dilemmas... we've all gone through this. What do we name the boy or girl? What are we gonna name...? There's an infinite number of names in the world. What are we going to name the boy or the girl? Well... your troubles are over! A company in Switzerland will name your child for you. $32,000. You send 'em a check for $32,000, they'll name your child. And I thought, 'Well, I've got a name. What about Sucker?' "

"But these folks oughta give the Redskins a call. You know what I'm sayin'?"

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Islip, N.Y. ••• New York City got around 8" of snow... not the 34" that some expected, and the National Weather Service has apologized. / video:
(clips): snowplows, TV weathercasters, NWS headquarters

(voice-over): "The National Weather Service apologizes for not doing enough to communicate uncertainty about our blizzard forecast for New York City. Effective immediately, we're implementing changes to improve the accuracy of our snowfall predictions."

(bogus forecast video): We see a TV lottery ball selection gadget. The latest forecast comes word-by-word as the lottery gadget cranks them out.

(new voice-over): "This Friday, expect... 12 to... 28" of snow."

(graphic): NWS logo

(original voice-over): "A message from the National Weather Service."

••• Michelle Obama accompanied Barack Obama to King Abdullah's funeral in Saudi Arabia, and arrived with no covering of her head. / video:
(clip): Obamas exiting Air Force One

(voice-over): "The Obamas' visit to Saudi Arabia sparked controversy, with many in the ultra-conservative Muslim country upset that the first lady did not cover her hair. It was the second time in a week that the Saudis were annoyed by an American's head covering choice."

(CNN video): Tom Brady, in a pre-Super Bowl press conference, wearing a stocking cap with the New England Patriots' colors

(voice-over): "Jim (something), CNN."

(graphic): CNN logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Increase Your Word Power": "ITALICIZE: an exercise program for Italians." / a plug for Nationwide •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

Dave recaps his and Paul's appearance on the Late Late Show with Regis Philbin last night. It was in New York, not Los Angeles. First, Dave was stunned when they arrived at 7:30 P.M., and Regis was still up.

Our friends were in the green room, which was spectacular. They thought they were in the studio. When led into the actual studio, they thought they were in heaven. Dave calls for an FX harp gliss to describe their wonderment upon entering the actual studio.

Late in the taping, Dave asked Regis why he was there, instead of Craig Ferguson's replacement, James Corden, who Dave referred to as "the tubby guy." Whoops! I knew the minute he said "tubby" that there was going to be a thing, and there was. The phone rang in the Ed Sullivan Theater this morning, with a call originating at 7 A.M. Pacific time. Dave's point was why a guy who's gotten a new show is delaying getting there. The "tubby" comment was just an add-on to his point about the delayed start.

The discussion goes on and on. Dave says he doesn't know if the new guy's tubby or not, but he sat a foot away from Dave on 11/21/14. Dave says he was just joking around, not even knowing about his weight, one way or another, but then the control room runs a photo of Corden, who has a bit of a double chin, which makes it harder to defend. He is a wee bit tubby!

Paul excuses Dave's use of the T word because he's a "humorist." Paul adds fuel to the fire with, "It's that Lettermanesque humor that you have always done. It's semi-mean, and you know, everybody thinks... that it's a lot of fun and that's what you were doing."

Dave, to the camera, says he's so sorry for calling "the kid" tubby, and apologizes to his friends, family and relatives. Whoops. Then Dave gets into a discourse about how difficult it is to lose weight. Why's he having that discussion if he doesn't think the new Jimmy is tubby? It's all the fault of "that Regis." Dave says, "I'm full of despair over this."

bumper picture: the slightly-tubby James Corden

ACT 3:
After commercials, Dave goes back to the tubby scandal. We see the maybe-tubby guy again. Paul says, "I thought that this is your humor. You take a perfectly nice guy, and you do a mean line, which people love! That's what we love about you! A mean personality, which is so... much fun to be around."

(me): Remember on 6/25/85, when Dave announced that ballplayer Terry Forster was a "big tub of goo?"

•••
Rachel Maddow plugs The Rachel Maddow Show. Dave begins by saying he's feeling despair about the state of the world, and he's so thankful about the Patriots' football underinflation scandal. On Rachel's show, they did an experiment on the scandal. Video evidence has shown that a ball boy took the underinflated balls into a small bathroom for 90 seconds. On the show, they got a guy who took 12 inflated balls into a room, and was able to deflate eight of 'em in 90 seconds. Or... was there a stash of deflated balls already in there, and he just had to swap them? Or... were there 12 people in there, each charged with deflating only one ball about two PSI? Rachel was a Rhodes Scholar, by the way. She's thought of everything! (To be clear, 11 of 12 balls were found by the NFL or whoever to be deflated.)

What about Michelle Obama's uncovered head in Saudi Arabia, and more importantly (or not), what about our relations with that kingdom? All kinds of people on the foreign policy list went over there to the funeral. (By the way, there had been a beheading the day before.) There's the whole balance of power issue in the Middle East, with Iran on one end, and Saudi Arabia on the other.

While we're at it, how do the current low oil prices fit together with the research and emphasis on creating alternate energy sources? Low oil prices sure reduce the motivation for looking at alternatives. Rachel says low oil prices work against research, but also, Saudi Arabia and friends don't like Americans, etc. producing lots of oil. They want us to stop investing in new drilling. Low oil prices may put a stop to that.

Dave asks if Rachel is excited about the 2016 presidential campaign. She replies by mimicking a panting doggie. "Both sides are a total mess," she says. The Republicans' field is so weak, Mitt Romney thinks he might get back in! Meanwhile, everybody assumes that the Democrats will nominate Hillary. Rachel says that makes it unlikely she'll get elected, because the primary would have been a cakewalk. "The primary makes you tough." Hillary won't have had to work through the issues. If Hillary isn't ultimately nominated, Rachel says, "It's going to be shake-the-silverware-drawer-over-your-head crazy." There's no plan B if it's not Hillary. Then there's Rand Paul kind of replacing Ron Paul. Rachel acknowledges that sometimes Rand Paul makes a lot of sense... sometimes. Donald Trump likes to say, "If I were running." She doesn't think he wants to actually fool with it.

While my political views are about 180° from Rachel's, she is a fun and entertaining guest, and has a brilliant mind. I enjoy her visits with Dave, and the fact that she has a sense of humor about current events.

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's longtime film coordinator, Richard "Shecky" Scheckman, and Susan Shreyar-Miller1, assistant to Rob Burnett. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "We'll be right back with a look at yesterday's traffic conditions.

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

•••

Ben Schwartz plugs Showtime's House of Lies.

Mr. Schwartz began his showbiz career in the Late Show's page program, about 10-11 years ago. He set himself apart with freelance writing of Dave's monologue jokes. He submitted them, anyway, but they weren't always used.

He moved to Los Angeles, and within a month he got himself a pilot, and signed on to help write for the Academy Awards telecast. He was definitely roughing it, with his belongings in a rental car, and he was sleeping in a tent in a friend's apartment living room, while writing for the Oscars. He borrowed a tuxedo so he could attend.

Watch Ben in Parks and Recreation, and in House of Lies on Sunday evenings.

••• Marty Stuart and His Fabulous Superlatives sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig.]

NIELSEN SWEEPS, JANUARY 29 - FEBRUARY 25

1/29/15 [4151]: NEW INTRO: "From an ancient dry lake bed in Nevada, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a cattle rancher from near Mexico. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"You remember Lindsay Lohan. Well, it looks like Lindsay may be in trouble now for not completing her community service work. Boy, I didn't see that comin'! She has been in court so many times, she has her own parking space. I mean, the court cafeteria has named a sandwich after her!"

"It was so cold here in the New York area today, Chris Christie was wearing two giant sweaters."

••• Some watch the Super Bowl to see $5 million commercials. Let's have a sneak preview of one. / video:
(man): "I've gotta say, this is an amazing product. I've tried a lot of things, but this is by far the best."

(graphic and female voice-over): "Buy one today! From the Internet!"

(man): "You'll be glad you did."

••• "Not Nominated for Best Actor" / video:
(title graphic and adventure music)

(TV's David Letterman as his uncle Earl Hofert as Old Salt In Fishing Village, in a classic scene from Cabin Boy): "Would you like to buy a monkey?"

(title graphic and adventure music)

(edit): I forgot to link to my video of Dave's entire scene with Chris Elliott.

••• Dave delivers a monologue joke, "It was so cold here in the New York area today, Chris Christie was wearing two giant sweaters," then looks around. "That was it?" He's underwhelmed.
(Dave): "Who wrote that joke? Do we... Who wrote... Are you guys...?"

(Joe Grossman moseys onstage.)

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Joe. Joe Grossman, ladies and gentlemen... one of our writers. Hi, Joe. Thanks for comin' out. Nice of you to be back there. How have you been, Joe?"

(Joe): "A guy on the subway coughed on my bagel."

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Uh, you know, that joke... the 'cold' joke about the two sweaters and Chris Christie... I'm just wondering. Did you write that last joke?"

(Joe, looking down at the floor): "Yes."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, it was OK... you know. It was OK. I just wondered if we had anything a little stronger... a little hmmmm... you know... a little bang-zoom... a little peppier... bigger... about the cold. Somethin' a little hmmmm. You know, this was two sweaters, and the governor, and that was it. I'm lookin' for somethin' a little mmmmm."

(Joe, reaching for his little notebook): "Hold on."

(Dave): "OK."

(Joe): "It's so cold, I stood next to Bill O'Reilly for the hot air."

(Dave): "OK, that's better. Do you have anything... anything else?"

(Joe): "It's so cold, Taylor Swift wrote a song about breaking up with her shorts."

(Dave): "That doesn't... that doesn't... I mean, that doesn't make sense. I want somethin' just... BOOM! You know what I mean? Just DROP... BANG! Like, somethin' with just... BOOM!"

(Joe): "Hold on. R.J.?"

(Dave): "Oh, God."

(R.J. Fried comes out with his own notebook, and runs one by Joe): "I've got one. It's so cold, I chipped a tooth on my soup?"

(Joe turns to Dave): "It's so cold, I chipped a tooth on my soup."

(Dave): "Alright. OK. Just get out of here!"

(CBSO): Metallica's "Enter Sandman"

(Joe and R.J. make their indirect exit offstage.)

(Dave, with Paul chiming in): "I do, and do, and do for you kids, and this is the thanks I get."

(video)

••• It's time for "Presidential Veto Records." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(clip): Barack Obama at the State of the Union address

(voice-over): "Barack Obama holds the record for the most veto threats issued against the new Congress."

(B. O., at the lectern, on a podium): "I will veto any new sanctions bill that threatens to undo this progress."

(voice-over): "George W. Bush holds the record for The Most Guys Named Vito, greeted during a speech."

(W.): "Is Vito here, as well? Hey, Vito! Good to see you."

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Presidential Vito Records.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "All-Purpose Excuse: 'Uh... sunspots." / a plug for kayak.com •••

ACT 2 / desk chat: Dave has a phony new book, Atomic Numbers. Let's have a new thing with that name. Let's go!

David Letterman will be the host, and Paul Shaffer will be the contestant.

CBSO, with their new theme song, "Atomic Numbers" (.mp3)

Dave will hold up flash cards with elements, and Paul will guess how many protons each atom has.

oxygen: Paul guesses 8. Answer: 8.

magnesium: Paul guesses 36. Answer: 12.

calcium: Paul says 18. Answer: 20.

(Soap opera music begins to play. We hear Paul thinking to himself): "So this is what it comes to? I spent decades becoming one of the most-respected musical directors in television history. I'm an artist, for heaven's sake. Now I have to stand here and guess the atomic numbers of elements? Somehow, we have lost our way. This... has gotta be the lamest bit I've ever seen on the show!"

(Biff Henderson thinks to himself): "Lamest? This wouldn't even be on the Top Ten of the Lamest Bits We've Done."

(Alan Kalter thinks): "Hey. What are you guys thinking about?"

(back to Paul): "Oh, God... where can I get some cyanide?"

aluminum: Paul guesses 42. Answer: 13.

(CBSO): theme song

•••
John Oliver is in to plug Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Dave begins by asking about John getting tasered. He was entertaining troops somewhere, and a soldier offered the opportunity. But... this was backstage... not in front of troops. The perpetrator laughed when John took the jolt, so he tasered himself a second time! John announces to America that he will only do this again in a war zone. "I'm not Johnny Knoxville." Dave asks if it left a mark. John expected that it would, so he took his trousers off. (me: Who was the Englishman on not long ago who referred to pants as trousers? I can't find the reference.) He reports that the experience was "quite exhilarating." Then Dave asks about his wife, who's trained as an emergency medic. Guess what! She was right there, shaking her head! (YouTube)

John was born in Birmingham, England, and grew up in Bedford. His family was from Liverpool, which explains why the CBSO played him on with a Beatles song. After Bedford, he moved to America, and now he's in Dave's guest chair. Dave asks about John's jobs. He had some bad ones, growing up. One summer, he worked in the freezer section of a slaughterhouse. "It was better than joining a charismatic band of pickpockets." The best part of that job was getting to see a man attempt to steal an entire frozen cow! He got past security!

Will John watch the Super Bowl? Yup. He doesn't want his green card yanked, even if that means watching Katy Perry throwing glitter hand grenades or whatever. John says the Super Bowl is incredibly intimidating to the rest of the world. When foreigners see it on TV they think, "If they're capable of this, what else could they do?" (YouTube of John's funny take on the big game)

Turn on the HBO on Feb. 8 for the beginning of the second season of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver!

••• Alan says tonight's TTL is sponsored by Lincoln's new MKZ. / We see clips of delivery people chucking packages on their routes. / A UPS delivery in Houston has raised the bar. On January 8, a UPS guy threw a package over a fence, then unzipped and took a leak... all captured on a security camera. / Top Ten UPS Guy Excuses / #9: "What do you think the 'P' stands for in UPS?" (YouTube) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I'll bet you someone has written a children's book titled Alexander the Salamander. Let me check the Internet." •••
Dr. Mayim Bialik plugs CBS's The Big Bang Theory. Her name's pronounced MY-UHM. She's been waiting to be on LSDL since she was 11, when she played a young Bette Midler in Beaches. As a youngster, she had the same agent as co-stars Neil Patrick Harris and Johnny Galecki.

Mayim, after her stint as a child actor, went to college. She got a Ph.D. in neuroscience in 2007, just before starting her role in The Big Bang Theory. She was going to be a research professor, but had kids and got diverted from her academic pursuits.

Dave saw a PBS show about the brain. It was stated that every second of playing a violin requires 200 to 400 neurological connections. Dr. Bialik says that's reasonable. Dave follows that by seeing if Mayim can touch her nose. Finally, Dave asks Mayim to come back and talk about neuroscience, preferably wearing a lab coat.

••• Death Cab for Cutie sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig.]

1/30/15 [4152]: NEW INTRO: "From a basket of adorable kittens, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

AN ESPECIALLY GOOD MONOLOGUE:

"They're talkin' about another storm here in New York City. Did you know that was gonna happen? Ahh, my God! And this time, the mayor is encouraging... he is imploring everyone... to underprepare."

"Happy birthday to former Vice-President Dick Cheney. 74 years old. Dick Cheney, 74 years old. Dick Cheney... vice-president... the original American Sniper. They had a huge birthday... huge birthday party for Dick Cheney. Halliburton got the contract. And the party went well... only three people wounded."

"Last year... I can tell this, right? I was watchin' the Super Bowl, and I had some cocktails. I was in my underpants, watchin' it on an enormous, 72-inch screen. Beautiful picture... the resolution... the color. And then the people at Best Buy threw me out."

"Well, here's a story that's none of my business, but he himself chose to make it public, and I say hats off to him! Good for him, by God, if he's got the strength and the personal conviction and courage to do so, I say 'all the best to him.' You know I'm talkin' about Bruce Jenner. Have you heard this story? Yeah. Bruce Jenner has announced that he is in the process of becoming a woman. Yup. So, here we go again with more deflated balls!"

••• Pope Francis is coming to New York City in September. / video:
(clip): the pope exiting a jet, then in the Popemobile

(voice-over): "His Holiness, Pope Francis, has confirmed a visit to New York City in September. And, for one night only, the Broadway hit Mamma Mia! becomes Dios Mio!."

(Photoshop fun): Pope Francis onstage with the cast

(voice-over): "The pontiff joins the cast for rewritten Abba songs, like 'Super Poper,' 'Take a Chalice on Me,' 'The Name of the Saint' and 'Dancing Nun.' Visit Telecharge now for tickets. Please, no Methodists."

••• A guy was goofing around, flying a drone, and it landed in the White House yard. / video:
(Barack Obama): "As a country, we have made it through some hard times, but we've laid a new foundation."

(FX): A little bitty drone flies into view, right in front of POTUS's face.

(Barack continues): "We've got a new future to write, and I'm eager to get to work."

(FX): POTUS swats the thing down.

(Barack concludes): "Thanks, America, and have a great weekend."

(graphic): White House logo and www.WHITEHOUSE.gov URL

••• Are you sick of the hype of the Super Bowl? It's getting crazier and crazier each day. Dave saw this on CNN today. / video:
(clip): University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale, Arizona

(voice-over): "In Glendale, Arizona, the countdown to Super Bowl XLIX is underway, and organizers say everything is on schedule. Today the two teams held their dress rehearsal for Sunday's 31-24 Patriots win over the Seahawks."

(CNN logo and voice-over): "Bob Newsface, CNN."

••• Who thought this up? Men and women are treating their skin by putting big snails... or escargot, if you will, on their faces. The snails get bored, so they move around. It's supposed to be excellent for your skin. Dave shows a picture of the treatment. The snails moseying around your face takes years off its appearance. Dave points to Alan Kalter, who has six, huge, honking snails on his forehead and cheeks. There's one on his right hand, too.
(Alan): "What? What? What?"

(Dave): "How does that... how does that feel? Does it... you can feel your skin being rejuvenated?"

(Alan, amused and puzzled): "What are you talking about?"

(Dave): "You know... with the snails... on your face. You've got... Alan, you've got..."

(Alan): "Snails? On my face? No!"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Alan reaches to his forehead, finds one of the varmints and pops it off): "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!," he screams."

(FX): horror movie stinger

(Alan): "Oh, my God! Ohhhhhh, my God! Ohhh, nooo! Nooo!"

(The poor bastard starts to rise from his perch, but falls to his knees, the collapses to the stage floor.)

(FX): horror movie stinger continues

(Alan, on the floor): "Oh, my.... Ahhhhhhhhhh! My face! My face! Oh! Who's responsible for this? Dave! Did that jackass do this to me? Did you do this to me?"

(Dave's laughing his ass off at Alan's escargot crisis.)

(Alan): "I'll get ya! Oh, help me! Ohhhhhh, help me! Help me!"

(Nancy Agostini steps over from her lectern to assist Alan in any way possible.)

(Dave): "Alan... Alan, you're fine."

(Alan, to Nancy): "Ohhhhh. Thank you. Thank you. Ohhhhhhh, my God!"

(Dave): "That's good. Just get him... if you can get him into a cab..."

(Alan): "He did that! Did you do this? Did you do this to me? Did... Paul? Ohhhhh, my God! Ohhh, help me! My skin. It's peeling! My face is coming off! Oh, my God! Ahhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhh. I'll get ya, Dave! I'll get ya, you... I'll get ya!"

(Dave): "OK, that's fine."

(Alan): "Oh, my God! Ahhhhhhhhh. Mommy! Ohhhhh. Mommy!"

(Dave, smiling): "It's fine. Everything's... everything's deflated. Ladies and gentlemen, look! It's Paul Shaffer!"

(CBSO plays into commercial with James Brown's "I'll Go Crazy.")

(me): Can someone get Alan a lozenge or something? He's going to damage his mellifluous voice with all this whining.

(video)

••• Michael Z. McIntee with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey! All you non-endangered species -- don't get too cocky!" (with a little more moaning and whining from Alan) / a plug for AT&T ••• outside cam: vehicles with a few inches of snow on them •••

ACT 2

Dave shares his Super Bowl party checklist.

  • Bring up the folding chairs from the basement. "Yes" bell
  • party ice! "Yes" bell
  • Learn how to turn on the TV. "No" buzzer
  • Hire a rabbi. "Yes" bell
  • Clean the grotto. "No" buzzer
  • Get a free supply of Tostitos® by promoting them on the show. (Dave produces a bag and extols their virtues. "These sons of bitches are tasty!") "Yes" bell
  • Buy weed for my special guacamole. "No" buzzer
  • Get the rabbit ears for the TV. "No" buzzer
  • Invite my parole officer. "Yes" bell
  • Be sure to invite the sound effects guy. "No" buzzer
  • Memorize Katy Perry lyrics for halftime singalong. "Yes" bell
  • (another round of Tostitos®) "Yes" bell
  • Practice not staring at Tom Brady's eyes. "No" buzzer
  • Advise guests to show up, so they don't get fined. "Yes" bell
  • Ask my wife if she minds having a Super Bowl party. "No" buzzer
  • Overcome my fear of being around people. "No" buzzer
  • Cancel my Super Bowl party. "Yes" bell x 9
•••
Aziz Ansari, in his fourth appearance on LSDL, plugs the final season of Parks and Recreation. Watch it on Tuesdays at 8:00 ET on CBS. Also, watch for Aziz in a stand-up special on Netflix in March.

Now, here's a fun take on a serious issue. On January 9, Rupert Murdoch posted a couple of tweets that called for Muslims to stop jihadists from acts of terror. Aziz took on the media giant with a series of his own tweets, with the hashtag #RupertsFault, suggesting that it's Rupert who's responsible for, among others: Christians who rear-end someone else's car, Chick-fil-A® not being open on Sundays, expensive college textbooks, Mark David Chapman shooting John Lennon, etc. Rupert ultimately apologized. Aziz says if you say something racist about black people, you have to go see Al Sharpton and get straightened out. If you say something racist about "brown people," there isn't a guy for you. (YouTube)

••• Rolling Stone reported this week that Taylor Swift has trademarked several phrases from her 1989 album, released last fall, such as "Nice to Meet You, Where You Been?"™ from "Blank Space." / Alan (back from the emergency room) says tonight's TTL is sponsored by Lincoln's MKZ, and Dave, in his best Clint Eastwood voice, extolls the merits of the new Lincoln. / Top Ten Other Trademarked Phrases
10. Obama: "Caffeine-laced undergarments"
9. Tom Brady: "To me those balls are perfect."
8. Justin Bieber, LSDL, after Dave touched a new tattoo: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"
7. Chris Christie: "Sit down and shut up!"
6. Vice-President Joe Biden: "The president has a big stick."
5. John Travolta: "Adele Dazeem"
4. Marshawn Lynch: "I'm here so I won't get fined."
3. Ray LaHood: "I don't want to say they're unsafe, but they're dangerous."
2. Donald Sterling: "...and I'm so sorry, and I'm so apologetic. Am I entitled to one mistake? It's a terrible mistake, and I'll never do it again. And I'm apologizing, and I'm asking for forgiveness. Am I entitled to one mistake... Am I... after 35 years? I made a mistake. I hope it's in their heart to forgive me for that mistake."™
1. George W. Bush: "Are my testicles black?"
••• Late Show Staff Selfie: all wearing dust masks ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Searching for a lost item? When we come back, our experts suggest good places to look!" ••• Brian Kiley, in his seventh appearance on LSDL, does stand-up. I thought he was really good. Check out his book, The Astounding Misadventures of Rory Collins ••• Ben Howard sings. (YouTube) ••• Alan "Snailface" Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig.]

FEB. 1: 33 YEARS FOR DAVE, PAUL AND WILL ON LATE NIGHT TV!

2/02/15 [4153]: NEW INTRO: "From New York City, as seen in the Rand McNally Atlas, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Anton Fig's back after a week in parts unknown! ••• There's an audience shout out... something to do with Top Ten Lists, but we'll not be clued in. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"When it rains, it pours. Yesterday was the Super Bowl. You know what today is, ladies and gentlemen? Groundhog Day... Groundhog Day... or as the Hello Deli refers to it, The Other White Meat."

"You know, here in New York City, we don't have the groundhog. We wait and see if a rat will stick its head out of a sewer, and then that's how we determine what it is."

"But the way... down in Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil is the famous groundhog, and he will come out of his hole. And today he got frightened by his shadow, and then he ran back and..." (pause) "No. No. That's... I'm thinkin' of Mitt Romney. Never mind."

"It looked there for a long time like Mitt Romney was gonna make his third attempt at running for the Republican nomination as president for the United States. That would have been his third attempt. And he's decided now, instead of running for president, here's what he's gonna do. He's gonna buy a small country... and appoint himself president."

(Super Bowl): "I feel sorry for Pete Carroll. I mean, that was the worst decision... that last play call was the worst decision comin' out of Arizona, since John McCain chose a running mate."

"Katy Perry could have run it in for a touchdown."

••• Everybody's sick and tired of winter. Dave says we'll check scientifically to see if we'll have six more weeks of it. / video:
Governor Chris Christie enters a studio of Sports Radio WIP-FM in Philadelphia. He picks up a headset and begins to take a seat. We can't tell what happened, but either his hiney missed the swivel chair, or it collapsed upon impact.

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(flashing graphic): "six more weeks of winter"

••• About the Super Bowl... Dave's buddy called, and he mentioned that Katy Perry had some trouble after the Super Bowl game. Let's go live to the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale. Yup. Katy Perry's dangling from her flying rocket contraption. "Hello?" "Hello?" Then the lights go out. ••• Dave's getting a message on his phony earpiece. Let's go back to Sports Radio WIP-FM and see how Chris Christie's doing. Why is the camera shaking? / outside cam: After the governor lands on the floor, the site of WIP-FM, a 13-story building, totally implodes and collapses. Oh, how the ever-cranky Dave Sikula's going to love this segment! (I thought it was awesome!) Paul chimes in with, "I'm being told he's OK." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "So there are actually plants that eat insects and other small creatures. What's next? Animals that eat plants?" / a plug for the Dodge Charger •••

ACT 2

desk chat: The Super Bowl should be a national, three-day holiday, either Friday - Sunday or Saturday - Monday. No legislators have returned the call. One day, when this becomes law, we'll have Dave Day. •••

Dave calls out cue card technician Todd Seda, America's favorite pretend intern, to set up "Todd Seda at Super Bowl LXIX." (Hey, I just realized that America has it easy next year. It'll be Super Bowl L.) Todd's been taking Biff duty at sporting events this past couple of years. Together with the writers and producers that go with him, they're cranking out really fun video trip reports. As my Letterman fan friends all agree, Todd gets it. He brings a lot of energy to his reports, and he's not afraid of taking a body slam for the company, at the hands of various athletes twice his size.

Before tape rolls, we get a review of Todd's now-legendary run as a phony intern. The University of Ohio grad arrived at 1697 Broadway in 2009 for intern action, and the show wouldn't let him go. Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 1, was Todd's 32nd birthday, and he and the crew got Taco Bell® in the hotel lobby. It's his favorite! OK... let's do this! / video:

Before the game, Todd hollers to Pete Carroll, "Coach, today's my birthday! Did you get me anything?"

Now Todd gets a guy with a media pass to pretend Todd's QB Russell Wilson, and he's the long snapper. Here we go. (This is only what I could understand): "Ready. Set. Raymour. Flanigan. Cellino. Cellino & Barnes. Ready. Ready. Hut. Hut. Hot Tub Time Machine." (We'll come back to this.)

(with Les Moonves): (Todd): "Who's a bigger curmudgeon, Bill Belichick or David Letterman?" (Les): "Letterman by far! You know, like, Bill Belichick never made fun of me on the air." (Todd): "Hey, man... that's my boss you're talkin' about! He's like my best friend!" (Les): "But I'm his boss, so I'm like your boss's boss. Remember that." (Todd, shaking hands): "Oh, man. I'm sorry, sir!"

Now we get the traditional singalong with fans, as Todd makes up a lame song as he goes. To the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy," it's a song about the Patriots' cheating. The Seahawks fans move along, one-by-one.

With #9 Jon Ryan of the Seahawks, Todd asks him to get the Patriots' Tom Brady to sign a completely deflated football.

Back to the hand-off with the Seahawks fan: "Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch Doritos. Barry Manilow!"

With #83 Ricardo Lockette of the Seahawks: Todd gets the ultimate chest bump. Ricardo totally wipes Todd out. / We see him on the Gator-type ambulance... thumbs up to his fans.

Chris Christie ignores Todd. We thought he was squished by that building a few minutes ago.

We see a clip of the Seahawks (four points behind) on the verge of victory at the 1 yard line, when the Patriots' Malcolm Butler intercepts a pass at the goal line, then a post-game visits with #38 Brandon Bolden of New England, #47 Michael Hoomanawanui, #24 Darrelle Revis, #94 Chris Jones, Pat Patriot, #12 Tom Brady not sharing a cupcake with the birthday boy, #43 Nate Ebner smashing a cupcake in Todd's face and Todd making a confetti angel on the sideline.

Great job, Todd!

(video)

Now check out these Late Show tweets of Todd the day before the big game, with Miss America, Kira Kazantsev, the Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders, and Urkel and Tim Tebow.

••• desk chat: Dave has another quick audience shout out about the TTL. / TTL setup: Why didn't Marshawn Lynch, fresh off a big run, run the last yard to victory? / Top Ten Pete Carroll Excuses

Jungle Jack Hanna's in for something like his 97th appearance with Dave. I got to thank Jack for all his contributions four years ago, and I'll repeat my thanks here. It's not easy to load up these critters and take them to New York, but what fun he's brought to the shows over 33 years!

  • It's a groundhog. Nope. It's a beaver, followed by a groundhog, for this Groundhog Day 2015. Jack says a sleeping groundhog's pulse is 4 BPM. Are we sure that's not hybernation?

  • Jack presents Dave with a hat he's won on every continent of the world.

  • A galago, or bush baby, is cute little noctural monkey found in Africa. They take a bath by peeing on themselves. (Dave and Paul also peed before they came out, by the way.) (Twitter pic)

  • The black leopard is very rare. You can barely see its spots. It's from Africa, and it's four months old. Dave worries about the species' future. Jack says that protections have helped it come back in numbers a bit. Jack believes in taking a positive approach when speaking about endangered species.

  • Up next is a cobra. Dave wants no part of that action. It's hissing. The handler didn't seem very careful with it. I've never liked cobras very much, and this one takes a dump on Dave's desk.

  • The caracal is a desert lynx. It has those long, tufted ears, and the ancient Egyptians often drew pictures of them.

  • The Harris's hawk flies across the theater a few times to pick up some meat. They're found in the Southwest in the U.S., and in parts of South America. It's said to be popular in falconry because its intelligence allows it to be trained.

  • (video)

During Jack's segment, we have a Late Show Staff Selfie: Sue Hum and two others, and the Act 5 Audience Pan: "I don't think I could serve on a Ways and Means. I have no problem with Ways, but I detest Means."

••• Sharon Jones sings, accompanied by the CBSO. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• It was a tremendous 33rd anniversary show. Dave's only mention of it was that he and Paul celebrated it over the weekend.

2/03/15 [4154]: NEW INTRO: "From the left-most lane of the FDR Drive, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Dave, on his plaid sport coat: "Let me ask you a question. You see this sport coat? Do you like this sport coat? Like this? Carpet remnants!"

"Talk about a shocker! I was comin' out here, and I was watchin' CNN. A big bulletin from Phoenix. Katy Perry's robotic tiger is loose in downtown Phoenix!"

"114 million people watched the Super Bowl. No wonder I had nobody to talk to about Downton Abbey."

"Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy on the underwear package."

"Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. That's what Mitt said. It's time for fresh... so that's good news for Bruce Jenner!"

interruption: An elderly couple in sweatsuits do their mall walking thing. We'll see them a few times. They stroll by Scheft, who's hiding behind the staircase. Dave: "Guy was supposed to come out tomorrow and spray."

"Here's a crazy story. A cat... and you know a lot of people sell cats short. Cats are pretty smart. They're pretty wily, and they kinda know what's goin' on. Dogs, on the other hand, are just... you know... furniture that you... periodically you have to let 'em outside. But cats... here's what I'm talkin' about. A cat they thought was dead... so they bury the cat... bury the cat. Then, like an hour later, it claws its way out of the grave. Yeah. I mean... the same thing happens about once a month to Larry King."

••• The network that hosts the Super Bowl uses the opportunity to promote their own shows. NBC used some time to promote The Voice. / video:
(graphic): The Voice

(clip): looks like Gwen Stefani on an episode... maybe with Pharrell Williams

(voice-over): "The new season of America's favorite singing competition is coming soon. Don't miss the premiere episode, featuring mind-blowing performances, and special guest judge Senator John McCain!"

(Senator McCain): "Get out of here, you low-life scum!"

(male contestant with a nervous smile shakes his head)

(graphic and voice-over): "The Voice. Only on NBC."

••• Charles Manson let his marriage license to the 26-year-old head case expire. / "Why the Manson Wedding Didn't Happen" / video:
(title graphic and sad piano music)

(voice-over): "She didn't like the vows he wrote."

(Charles Manson himself, most likey in a parole board hearing): It's total gibberish.

(voice-over): "Charles Manson: Single and looking to mingle."

••• If you can imagine this, they're really commercializing the Patriots' Super Bowl victory. / video:
(photo): players in postgame confetti and string

(voice-over): "Relive the New England Patriots' stunning 2014 Super Bowl victory, by purchasing this limited-edition 24K gold commemorative coin, featuring Tom Brady hosting the Vince Lombardi Trophy on one side, and on the other, Bill Belichick kissing his daughter on the lips."

(photos of the coin)

(voice-over): "The New England Patriots' 2015 Super Bowl victory commemorative coin: 'Say it with coins.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, good news. The CBS censor is letting me say 'mothballs.' " / a plug for Nissan ••• TTL set-up: Who sleeps right? Dave says he sleeps like a timberwolf. / Top Ten Sleep Recommendations from the National Sleep Foundation
Dr. Phil McGraw is in to plug his #1 best seller, The 20/20 Diet: Turn Your Weight Loss Vision Into Reality. It was released on January 6. He wrote his first anti-tubby book, The Ultimate Weight Solution: The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom, in 2003. (Remember: If you look at these links, you'll see that they're not tied to me at all.)

Why, Dave wonders, is Dr. Phil dressed in all black tonight? He's doing his Johnny Cash thing. Dave wants to tell us his new slogan, "Let your pill be Dr. Phil," but then he wonders what happens when a depressed person comes in to see Dr. Phil, and he's dressed as an undertaker. Phil jokes around that maybe inducing a little depression is good for business.

By the way, Dave briefly says that deciding to retire is the biggest mistake he's ever made. He'll be sittin' at home, watching Ellen. Dr. Phil's reply to that is a pretend stab to his own chest.

Dave's crazy about diets. Phil thinks Dave's very fit, but Dave reminds him that he had five bypasses 15 years ago. He watches his blood sugar because of coronary artery disease. "And then there's cookies," Dr. Phil adds. Dave loves the cookies. Dr. Phil weight about 230, and Dave weighs 175 to 180. Dr. Phil reveals that he's diabetic, which explains some of his focus on diets.

Why do people fail at diets? It's a $60 billion-dollar industry! Why doesn't it work? People who are dieting get bored after a while, and they rebel. Dave adds that you may feel great for a while on a diet, but six months later you're muttering to yourself, "Oh, my God. Dried leaves... again?" Dr. Phil: "We starve ourselves, and then you'll eat anything that's either dead or seriously slowed-down." Then you eat fast, and you overeat. Then your body's on a roller coaster. And then, Dave says, what about the junk food industry?!

Dr. Phil says you have to set yourself up to succeed. "The reason people fail is they don't program their environment. You've gotta quit hangin' out with fat people! You've got all those junk foods out of there. You've got to hang out with greyhounds... not grizzly bears." Dave says any grocery store is a wonderland of things that aren't good for you. "They put all that stuff on the end caps, where you'd notice it, right? And all the stuff that's good for you, you've gotta get down on your knees to find it," says Dr. Phil.

Dave brings up the prop bag of Tostitos he had on his desk on Jan. 30. Tasty! Anything you can eat really fast... like a woodchipper... probably isn't good for you.

Now to a commercial break. The first commercial is for Red Lobster®, and their Lobsterfest®!!

Dave says he's always hungry, and being a hypochondriac, he thinks he's hypoglycemic. Dr. Lou Aronne told Dave that he should start a meal with protein. Then you can have pasta, but after protein, you'll want less of it. Dave doesn't buy that. Why's Dave always hungry? "You need to read my book," says Dr. Phil. Then he says hunger is what keeps you alive. But... there are three kinds of hunger: 1) Fake hunger is like mind hunger or habit hunger (like you're used to eating something every time you come home). Habit hunger is eating every time Friends is on. 2) Body hunger: That's when your body says you're really hungry. Learn to read your body. I don't think they got to the third kind.

Remember that Dr. Lou Aronne wrote The Skinny: On Losing Weight without Being Hungry. I have a copy of it.

Dr. Phil asks about Harry. He's fine, but as we know, he argues with Dave quite a bit. Dr. Phil says Dave's job is to prepare Harry for the next level of life... not to tell him what he wants to hear. Don't tell him what he wants to know. His friends will take care of that. Tell him what he needs to know. Of parenting, Dr. Phil advises to carry forward everything your parents did that was good, and leave behind what was bad. Dr. Phil says a kid will talk to you more when you're shooting baskets than if you're just sitting down, trying to just talk. Then they feel too conspicuous.

Finally, Dr. Phil says to Dave, "You know what I think? I think... dead seriously... I think you are actually a very good father. It's hard for you to hear compliments, but I think you put more thought into it. You spend more time thinkin' about it than a lot of fathers." So there we have it!

What a tremendous interview Dave and Dr. Phil gave us. They were open and entertaining, and they were listening to each other... not talking over each other or something. If you want to be a talk show host, watch this interview and see how it's done.

(117 MB video)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, part 3 of our debate on whether salad spinners should rotate clockwise or counterclockwise." •••
Robin Tunney plugs The Mentalist, which has its finale on Feb. 18.

Dr. Phil got a 19-minute segment with Dave, so there wasn't much time for Robin. She begins by telling us about her start in showbiz, which was auditioning for Annie, along with seemingly 1,000 girls in red wigs. Her older brother was an Elvis impersonator, which leads Dave to recall the "Elvis Tribute Week" on LSDL, February 4 - 8, 2013.

Robin reveals that she had a girlhood crush on Dave. (This is her first visit.) In case there's any question, click right around here to see Robin's @LETTERMAN card.

Finally, she makes quite a fuss over her co-star, Simon Baker, whoever that is. Apparently there are more like him in Australia.

••• Diana Krall sings a number from her album, "Wallflower." (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/04/15 [4155]: NEW INTRO: "From an undisclosed location, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's audience shout out: "I'm tellin' you. I've been missin' a bet for 30 years. I should have been huggin' the audience all along. Had a little fun earlier."

"New York City, last year, filled a half-million potholes. I want to tell you somethin.' I saw one over on 8th Avenue. It is so big, it swallows light and matter. That big! And... now wait a minute. Nik Wallenda... Nik Wallenda went over there and took a look at it and said, 'No, thank you!' "

"Hey, how about Lance Armstrong, ladies and gentlemen? I'm tellin' you somethin'. I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He and his girlfriend are out havin' a party or somethin', and he accidentally bangs into two parked cars, and then he tells the cops that his girlfriend was driving. This is the kind of thing that could hurt the man's image. Cops took him downtown and frisked him, or, as they call it, The Tour de Lance."

"You know who's Republican front-runner now? Governor of Wisconsin, Scott Walker. Yeah. Republican front... I like Scott Walker, but you know who I really like? His brother, Johnny."

••• Dr. Rand Paul was being interviewed on TV, and he shushed the female anchor. / CNBC video:
(Rand Paul on the budget): "The whole purpose of doing this is to bring money home. There's two..." (interruption)

(Kelly Evans): "Wait, but it works..."

(Rand): "Let me finish... hey, hey, hey."

(Kelly, continuing to interrupt)

(Rand): "Hey Kelly!"

(Kelly): "I'm sorry. Go ahead."

(Rand, finger over his lips): "Shoooo."

(Kelly): "I'm sorry. Go ahead."

(Rand): "Calm down a bit here, Kelly."

••• Then today, Dr. Paul did this. / video:
(Kim Kardashian, weepy): "I feel bad for the guy. I changed his whole life, and he fell in love with me, and I fell in love with him, and now my feelings have changed, you know?"

(Rand, picture-in-picture): "Hey... shoooo. Calm down a bit here, Kelly."

(me): Oh, sorry. I guess it was Kelly Kardashian.

••• "Who's Left in the Republican Field of Candidates?" (my title) / video:
(clips): Mitt Romney, on the 2012 campaign trail

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney's decision not to run for president in 2016 leaves the Republican nomination up for grabs."

(clip): voting booths

(voice-over): "A recent Gallup poll of likely candidates shows Jeb Bush in the lead, with 23%, followed by Senator Rand Paul (11%), Governor Chris Christie (6%), Jack Bauer (4%), the late Mickey Rooney (1.4%), Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll (.45%), Zombie Cat (.2%), Mitch Romney (.14%) and Senator Ted Cruz (.000006%)."

(CNN logo and voice-over): "CNN, Washington."

(me): Hmm. Those candidates add up to about 46%.

••• Front-row audience members have the measles. Let's watch this on the Disneyland measles outbreak. / video:
(amusement park scenes and female voice-over): "You may have heard about the Disneyland measles outbreak. But if you can't get to Disneyland, don't worry! Other theme parks around the country are now offering the following outbreaks: Seaworld: hepatitis. Busch Gardens: chicken pox. Six Flags: whooping cough. Knott's Berry Farm: pinkeye... plus, for a limited time: cryptosporidiosis."

(CDC logo and voice-over): "A message from the CDC."

(Late Show theme song, graphic and voice-over by Mike McIntee): "Reminder! Only a few months left to sue the Late Show with David Letterman!"

••• Dave: Get those lawsuits in! We want to hear from you! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I wish there were some kind of self-guided device that cleaned my Roomba." / a plug for DeVry University •••

ACT 2:

"New Books"

  • I Met Some Foreigners - Now I'm Ready to Be President, by Chris Christie

  • I Wrote This Book So I Don't Get Fined, by Marshawn Lynch

  • Card Tricks for Guys with Little Else to Offer (guy has about a two-foot-long stack of cards)

  • Notable Bounce Castles of Europe, by Fiona MacGrubin

  • What's in Bill O'Reilly's Pouch???, written and illustrated by Syd Chelsea (with toy butterfly for the pouch)

  • Radio Shack Cookbook

  • America's Favorite Tire Center Waiting Rooms, by B. F. Goodrich

  • It's a boxed set: Autocorrect Classics, including The Brothers Kangaroo by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Count of Monkey Pesto by Alexandre Dumas and The Great Fatso by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

  • The Kevin James Bible (Quartercentury Edition)
•••
Ryan Reynolds, Mr. Van Wilder himself, plugs The Voices, which opens in theaters and via streamed video on February 6. I was thinking, "Whatever," but in looking up the link, I saw that Anna Kendrick's in it, too. Sold!

Before going farther, let's give a shout out to Paul and the CBSO, who play Mr. Reynolds on with 'Til Tuesday's 1985 "Voices Carry," and a very nice cover of it, I might add.

The first topic is Ryan's height. Dave thinks of him as tall, but he matches our host at 6' 2". Ryan sees Jimmy Stewart as tall, but I looked him up. He was 6' 3".

Ryan has a six-week-old baby girl. For some unfathomable reason, Ryan never mentions that the Mrs. is that hottie, Blake Lively. I'd be droppin' her name, is all I'm saying. Blake has appeared on the Late Show five times... mostly plugging Gossip Girl. Here's her appearance in June 2012. Awesome.

Dave and Ryan play a guessing game for four solid minutes as to the name of the baby. It appears her name is set, but Ryan won't give. OK... he claimed for a minute that they wanted a low-profile name, so they went with Shiloh (Angelina's kid). Her name is NOT Copernicus, Elaine, Olivia, Emma, Sofia, Isabella, Abigail, Nozzle, Mary, Sarah, Madison or Ruth. Dave: "Will you tell the child its name at some point?" (YouTube)

When baby was born, Ryan loved Blake more than ever. Then baby was born, and now he'd use Blake as a human shield to protect baby. Ryan announces that he's just a diaper-changing facility, and Blake's a human Denny's... breakfast, lunch and dinner, and the most beautiful Denny's you've ever seen. (photo)

The Voices, says IMDb, is about "a mentally ill factory worker (who) stumbles innocently into the role of a killer, guided along the way by his evil talking cat and benevolent talking dog.

••• Top Ten Complaints About Mayonnaise / #1 is Chris Christie drinking mayonnaise through a straw. / It seems that Hellmann's may have changed their recipe a bit. ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: I have no idea. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back: Is neck reduction surgery right for your giraffe?" ••• JB Smoove plugs Four Courses with J.B. Smoove. ••• Dierks Bentley sings a number from his album, Riser. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/05/15 [4156]: NEW INTRO: "From the wind-swept archipelago of Tierra del Fuego, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"We've had coyotes in the city, we've had mountain lions in the city, we've had bear in the city, and now they believe they've spotted an eagle... in the city... probably in the Central Park area. Now, you're thinkin', 'Really? A bald eagle! That would be great.' Well, wait a minute, right there. I don't think it's a bald eagle. I don't know what kind of eagle it is specifically, but we know it's an eagle. We have a picture of it. Maybe we have some ornithologists with us. That seems unlikely. Here's the eagle they spotted in New... Look! There it is!" (Photoshop fun): The eagle has that thing on Donald Trump's head on its head. On an eagle, it's really a very distinguished look.

"I read a study today that says drinkin' whiskey can cure a cold." (audience applause) "I was fightin' a cold last night until 4 A.M. You know what I'm sayin'?"

"You all remember Lance Armstrong, nine-time winner of the Tour de France, and he's had a lot of trouble. Here's a story. Over the weekend, he and his girlfriend were drivin' around, and they plowed into a parked car. And then they took off, and the cops got 'em, and Lance talked his girlfriend into sayin' she was drivin' the car... uh, to take the rap. So, actually, they wrote her a ticket. DWI: Driving with an Idiot."

"Lance hit two parked cars. In legal parlance, that's known as a Double Lohan."

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Gilford, Connecticut. There's a lunch date planned... after retirement. It's a full life for Dave after he pulls the plug on LSDL, because then he has dinner with two babes from the District of Columbia. ••• Too many holidays! Today is National Weatherperson Day... right on the heels of Groundhog Day. Here's "Good Weatherperson / Bad Weatherperson." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(graphic and voice-over): "Good weatherperson: Jim Cantore."

(NBC tape... not sure why): Jim, of The Weather Channel, is all bundled up, out in the recent snowstorm in the Northeast. "It started snowing pretty heavily, just after midnight, and it has not stopped."

(voice-over): "Bad weatherperson: Bill Evans."

(clip): Bill Evans of WABC-TV / Stormwatch 7: He's caught on camera, looking at his monitor, muttering to himself.

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Good Weatherperson / Bad Weatherperson.' "

(Dave): "Talkin' to his doppler."

••• Pope Francis, 78, is always on the go, and sometimes exhaustion sets in. (me): The pope's pooped! / video:
(clip of Pope Francis arriving at some big event)

(voice-over): "Do to his hectic schedule, Pope Francis sometimes needs to cancel his appearances. On these rare occasions, he will sometimes send Assistant Pope Gregory XVII."

(We see Greg at a window, overlooking Vatican Square.): "Hello, Vatican City! Are you ready to raise the roof?"

(shot of the throng below... looks like about 50,000)

(Greg): "Yeah! Hot crowd! Who wants t-shirts?"

(Greg fires up his t-shirt cannon.)

(Greg): "Yeah! Where are my Jesuits at?"

(title graphic): "A Message from the Vatican"

(me): a very nice change-up from the pope running along a beach

••• The Grammy Awards are set for CBS on Sunday, starting at 8 ET. / video:
(clips): famous singers

(female voice-over): "The 2015 Grammy Awards will feature performances by all your favorite artists, including: Rihanna, Jessie J, Nice and Saucy, Benny the Huckster, Guitar Cacciatore, Yoinks 4eva, The Porridge Sisters, Bowl of Porridge, The Sound a Garage Door Makes, Mustard, Ring Ring, It's Your Mother, Oh Great — Kyle's Here, Bopey Wopey and the Cottage-Shaped Freaks. The 2015 Grammy Awards. Only on CBS."

(me): The Porridge Sisters: That was a good one! I loved their smash hit, "The Neuter Dance." It was perfect for the soundtrack of General Mills Cop.

••• Remember the New England Patriots? They had a big victory parade in Boston yesterday... a celebration like no other city. / video:
(actual tape): The multitudes are out, braving the snow, as the motorcade slowly passes. We see Tom Brady and one of his kids. Then we see a tethered, helium-filled float. It's a humongous football. Oh, dear... it's deflating at an accelerated rate. It's headed down. We can hear the hissing. Who would have thought it? Gonna be a lot of squeaky voices in Boston after that little mishap!
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: Bats emit high-pitched screeches because they take pleasure in annoying others." / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2:

Top Ten Little-Known Grammy Categories / #10: Best Country Performance by a Tammy / #7: Least Dressed / #5: Copyright Lawsuit of the Year •••

Our very good friend, Mr. Martin Short, is in to plug his play with Ferris Bueller, It's Only a Play. You can see it at the Jacobs Theatre, 242 West 45th Street, through March 29. The theater's on the same block that Junior's Cheesecake is on.

We knew without asking that we were going to get a song, and Martin takes it to new heights. The stagehands have him harnessed up, and he's flying around like Allison Williams as Peter Pan... except maybe not as cute. His number, to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon," goes something like this:

Fly me through this room
And make my entrance with finesse
So your fly is open
Ma'am, I'm lookin' down your dress

Talk about deflated balls
This harness is... way too small
From this vantage point
The moon is but a shining wafer

Wait... that's not the moon I see
It's head glare off Paul Shaffer
(Paul, with his best Moe Howard impression): "Why, you...!"
With this audience, I... can't lose.
Even way up here, I smell the booze

(Whoops! Down on the stage floor now!)

I think we're a little low!
Can we get a little higher?
Well... we've certainly got a twirl goin'!
Yeah, look at that! OK!

(unhooks himself)

I put cables in my pants
That's restricted my blood flow
To earn your adulation,
And to receive a standing O

(handed a beverage by a model)

And may I make this toast?
To the funny man
To the brilliant man
I... love... most!

(raising his glass to the audience): "To Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!"

(extended audience standing ovation)

(Dave suggests an encore.)

Fill my heart with song
Let me swing forever more
Because you are all I want, dear
All I worship and adore
In other words...

(cut to commercials)

("Fly Me Through This Room" on YouTube)

Dave offers profuse thanks to Martin, who has to appear in his play in just a bit. Martin replies that Dave looks sensational. "Are you still using Bruce Jenner's guy? Are you doing the naked hot yoga? And that fragrance of yours! It hits the back of your throat, I'll tell ya."

King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia kicked the bucket the other day. Martin and the king were chums. When Martin went over for the funeral, he stayed at The Sands. (rim shot) Martin felt badly, because the king's daughter, Paula Abdullah, took it hard. Leno was there. He's big in Saudi Arabia, 'cause he doesn't like women driving his cars. You know the king's last words? "Should have had a Jewish doctor!"

Martin looks over to his old friend, Paul. "Paul you look absolutely fabulous. Paul looks like now like someone put sunglasses on a stick of deodorant, doesn't he? Paul's the only guy who goes to a barber and says, 'Just give me the Ghandi.' " (Paul loved that one... as far as we know.)

Dave brings up Martin's 2014 book, I Must Say: My Life As a Humble Comedy Legend. Dave called up Martin to compliment him on it after he read it.

At this point, Martin segues to Nick Nolte drinking stories and impressions.

Saturday Night Live will observe its 40th anniversary soon. Martin was on in the 1984-85 season, with Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Christopher Guest and Rich Hall. He had a one-year contract, and felt a lot of pressure. Larry David was a writer, but couldn't seem to get any scenes aired. Now Billy does an awesome Larry David impression, including a screaming match Larry got into with Dick Ebersol. The whole scenario eventually became an episode of Seinfeld! (YouTube)

Dave thanks Martin for his generosity to his show over the years, and after a bit, requests another song. Is Dave asking too much of Martin? Guess not. He reaches for a microphone that's tucked away on the other guest chair. Martin hops on Dave's desk.

The Late Show is my lady
Dave Letterman is my lady
The host and top banana
He's the toast of Indiana
And now I'll kiss my lady bye-byeeeee!

Martin: Come here and Bill Belichick me, Dave!"

(Martin's interview and song, "Fly Me Through This Room")

(me): This is one of those segments that was awesome, but hard to take. It's safe to say that Martin will be back on in May, but once again, we know the end is drawing near. My compliments to Martin and the writers for another fun and funny song (and how about Martin's little stand-up routine?)!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Please, God, let me live long enough to see grocery scientists perfect quintuple bagging." ••• A couple of days ago, Dave ran into Pat Farmer at the Hayden Planetarium. It was agreed that Pat should do a segment, "Mysteries of the Universe with Pat Farmer."
(title graphic and eerie theme music from Paul)

(Pat): "Thanks, Dave. You know, scientists have answered many questions of the universe, but some mysteries still remain. For example, how large is the earth?"

(Dave): "Alright. Pat?"

(Pat): "Is it as big as the moon?"

(Dave): "Pat... Now, Pat."

(Pat): "The moon is huge!"

(Dave): "I know. Pat, that's fine..."

(Pat): "It's way bigger than the stars!"

(Dave): "That's right. It's not... Great, but these two are not mysteries. We know the size of the earth, and the moon is the satellite of the planet, and it looks bigger than the stars because it's closer. But... take my word for it... the moon is not bigger than the stars. Let's try again. Go ahead and try another one."

(Pat): "OK. 'Mysteries of the Universe.' What is water made of? Is it made of a gelatin? A soapy substance? Or some sort of wet chemical?"

(Dave): "Pat... Pat... Pat?"

(Pat): "What?"

(Dave): "Pat... not again. Not a mystery. Hydrogen. Oxygen. There's your water, right there."

(Pat): "You're kiddin! Bottled water? Hydrogen and oxygen?"

(Dave, smiling): "That's right. Let's try one more... one more 'Mystery of the Universe.' Let's give it another go."

(Pat): "OK, Dave. Before I say the next 'Mystery of the Universe,' do you know where Jupiter is?"

(Dave): "OK. Let's just close it up. That's plenty. Pat Farmer."

(title graphic and eerie theme music from Paul)

(Now we see that Pat's drinking paint from a gallon can.)

••• Bettye LaVette sings. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/06/15 [4157]: NEW INTRO: "From the Lost City of the Incas, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is something about making reservations. It'll end with that. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the program, and here we are, once again, in the beautiful Ed Sullivan Theater. Fifty-one years ago, The Beatles made their first appearance, right here, fifty-one years ago. Now look what you get."

"By the way, if you remember The Beatles, you should ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you."

McDonald's is selling its Big Mac™ secret sauce for $18,000 a bottle. Dave wouldn't pay half that! It comes in a special box, with a certificate stamped McIdiot. (me): You remember the 1970s slogan, "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun."

"But secret sauce... We may think of it as a joke, but it is a huge secret. It's a really big secret. It's one of those things nobody knows. It's similar to... like, why did the Seahawks pass?"

"This year, the Grammy Awards... you'll get the... if you're a Grammy winner... you'll win a lovely Grammy statue, the beautiful phonograph statue... gold... beautiful. And, in addition to that, you'll also get the measles. By the way, Bruce Jenner... there's many interesting categories... Bruce Jenner... Bruce Jenner has been nominated for Best Remix."

••• The Grammy Awards program will be on CBS on Sunday evening. Here's the first installment of "Not Nominated for a Grammy." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

It's Putin singing "Blueberry Hill."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Speaking of "not nominated," Mitt Romney's not running for president. Wonder what he's been doing today? / video from the Romney mansion:
(animation): Mitt's running a snow blower to clear money from his driveway!

(title graphic)

(female voice-over): " 'What Did Mitt Romney Do Today?' is for entertainment purposes only."

••• It's time for the second "Not Nominated for a Grammy." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

Direct from Mike McIntee's "Odd Dave" file, it's Dave singing a song he's writing the words to as he goes.

Hello kitty.
Hello kitty.
How are you today, little kitty?
Hello kitty.

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(me): This is a duet. A lady in the guest chair, who's holding a kitty, is meowing to Dave's lyrics. Oh, crap! I wanted to know when - or if - this aired on another episode, so I went to my master episode log file to see what I could see. I expected Wahoo Mike would have written the air date, and I would have swiped it. Who wrote the Wahoo Gazette that day? Me. Maybe we'll find out the date this time, since the real writer's on duty.

(edit): Sure enough, Mike did give the date in the Gazette for today: 12/09/09. I couldn't find it because I had the lady, Maryjean Ballner, listed as a pet massage expert , and I was searching for "kitty."

••• Here's another "Not Nominated for a Grammy." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(clip from 10/03/14, that aired on the Late Show on 10/06/14): Mark Donnelly, who sings "O Canada" for the Vancouver Canucks while circling the arena on ice skates, doesn't see a rug laid out on the ice. He crashes hard, but hardly misses a note.

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• With more on the Grammy category Best Spoken Word, let's look at this:
(Grammys clip)

(voice-over): "Music's biggest night is on CBS! The Grammys... live! This year's nominees for Best Spoken Word are: Tony Danza: 'Metamucil,' Mike Huckabee: 'sausage,' Joe Theismann: 'prostate,' Barack Obama: 'Labardoodle' and George W. Bush: 'testicles.' The Grammy Awards. Live! Sunday, February 8. Only on CBS."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Increase Your Word Power: 'Perp Walk': A criminal suspect walking at a perpendicular angle.' " / a plug for H&R Block •••

ACT 2:

desk chat: Dave has an unexplained little discussion about the Rainbow Room. Oh, wait. There's a one-second shot of an audience couple. It's something from a pre-show topic. •••

Five songs are nominated for a Grammy for Best Song. We go live to Rupert Jee in Hello Deli, where he'll sing selections from each song, using an iPod as a guide, being as he's never heard them. (I set out to make a video, but the capture didn't come out right.) We'll get an awards-show female voice-over with the name of each tune.

"Stay with Me" by Sam Smith

"All About that Bass" by Meghan Trainor

"Take Me to Church" by Hozier

"Shake It Off" by Taylor Allison Swift

"Chandelier" by Sia

Rupert will sing us into commercials.

(video)

(edit): I got to wondering how many of the above were performed on the Late Show. Sam Smith performed his on 6/18/14. We didn't see Meghan Trainor. Hozier performed his on 5/13/14. Taylor Swift was in on 10/28/14, but she performed "Welcome to New York." Sia last appeared on 11/13/08, so we did hear two of five on the big show.

•••
Sienna Miller drops by to plug the Broadway play, Cabaret, currently at the Studio 54 Theatre, 254 West 54th St., between 7th and 8th. (She's taking over Emma Stone's part.) I've always liked Sienna. She hasn't been on the Late Show since 10/13/09. (I just checked. I made a video of her appearance.)

Is she ready for the role? She says she hasn't sung and danced before, unless she was "a few sheets to the wind," but she's working with a great musical director to be ready.

Dave always wants to talk about the kids. Sienna has a 2½-year-old daughter. Sienna says, "I mean, she's breaking my balls at the moment." (but in the best way) (Wait, she doesn't have balls.) (YouTube) Sienna starts talking about Frozen, which I know nothing about, but her daughter always wants to be in a dress that the character, Elsa, wore. The kid doesn't want to wear anything but that dress.

What about Sienna's British accent? (She was born in New York City, but grew up across the pond.) How does she lose the accent? She acts! Dave takes a shot at a British accent, and gives up after two words.

Dave takes a sudden side trip to Sienna's current movie, American Sniper, which I don't think he ever mentioned by name. He wants to ask about working with Clint Eastwood. In person, is he intense? Sienna says he's laid back... the coolest! As of yesterday, the movie has grossed $326,400,239 in three weeks!! She was pregnant for most of the shooting. Every day, she'd be greeted by Clint, who rubbed her tummy and said (probably growling), "Morning, Fatty." She loved it... one of her favorite experiences!

Dave informs Sienna that he and Paul will make the one-block trek to the Studio 54 Theatre every night to see her. I love her! I'd be there, too, but I'm 1,200 miles away and stuff.

••• The release today of The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water prompted tonight's TTL, Top Ten Other Movies About Cleaning Supplies. / #10: Gone with the Windex / #9: American Swiffer / #2: Bounty on the Mutiny ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Todd Seda with two others. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hey, librarians! Would you mind not 'shushing' people so loudly?" ••• Andy Kindler does stand-up. ••• Bob Mould sings. ••• full credits (Surprisingly, there were numerous changes since full credits were run last night.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/08/15: During the Grammy Awards, Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters gives a shout out to David Letterman for his support of countless musical groups. (video)

2/09/15 [4158]: NEW INTRO: "From a special place in your heart, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." / "And now... front man for Johnny and the Moondogs... David Letterman!" ••• Tonight's audience shout out part one came as Dave was announced. Upon arriving onstage, Dave asked, "Was that alright? Did that work, lady?" •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to New York City. You know what it is now? It's the beginning of the exploding manhole cover season, so stay indoors! But... if you catch an exploding manhole cover, you get to keep it!"

"Ohhh, last night, a big event here on CBS... the Grammys. Anybody watch the Grammy Awards? What a show! ... And last night... Tony Bennett... and I don't think I'm tellin' tales out of school... he's 89 years old... Tony Bennett, still tremendous! 89 years old... sang a duet with Lady Gaga. Tony Bennett... 89. He could have run the ball in for the Seahawks!"

••• That naughty movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, opens on February 13... Gonna be enormous. The producers are already working on a sequel. / video:
(clip): a couple making out

(female voice-over): "If Fifty Shades of Grey takes you on an erotic journey to your deepest, darkest desires, then be sure to catch the even-more-sensual sequel."

(cue porno music)

(cooking demonstration): A guy's gently rubbing some kind of seasoning on a humongous slab of meat.

(graphic and female voice-over): "Fifty Shades of Flay. In theaters soon."

(me): It took a bit, but it came to me. It's the Food Network's Bobby Flay. How am I supposed to know this? I don't watch cooking shows. Would it kill the guy to glove up before he caresses that beef?

The audience loved this segment, by the way.

••• Grammy Awards fun: We see a clip of Paul McCartney standing and clapping along to one of his songs last night. (Dave, as if speaking to an audience member): "Alright, sir. Go ahead and sit down. Go ahead. No. No. Seriously, sit down. That's it. Thank you. Sit down." ••• Have you seen the new McDonald's commercial? It's about different ways to pay for your meal. / video:
(clips): McDonald's

(female voice-over): "From now through February 14th, McDonald's will let select customers pay for their food in a whole new way: with kindness."

(dude behind the counter): "Dial up your mom... tell her you love her."

(girl behind the counter): Your payment today will be 'tell me what you love about your son.' "

(Michael Z. McIntee behind the counter): "Your payment today: Hold me." The twenty-something male customer consents, but we notice that he's not making eye contact.

(female voice-over): "McDonald's. I am loving it."

••• You know that Amazon outfit that you can dial up on your computer, and you can get pretty much everything but weed? It's looking at bricks and mortar now. They're opening a pilot store at Purdue. / video announcement:
(voice-over): "We're thrilled to announce Amazon's first physical store location. Now, instead of the hassle of shopping online, you can simply drive to a location, find a parking space, browse our aisles for the item you wish to purchase, bring the item (provided it is in stock) to the checkout line, pay for the item and drive home."

(FX): car honk

(graphic and voice-over): "Amazon: Coming soon to the Yellow Pages."

••• (Dave, to Paul): He wants AARP to do a piece on him. Paul says he should get the cover. (Dave): "You know who reads that magazine, don't you, Paul? Old people and their parents!" ••• "A Reminder from Medicare to All Senior Citizens" / video:
(title graphic and Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train")

(voice-over): "A Reminder from Medicare to All Senior Citizens: Medicare does not cover injuries caused by novelty bullhorns."

(from last night's Grammys): Madonna with Satan, or one of his helpers

(stamped onscreen): "NOT COVERED"

(voice-over): "However, we do cover hearing aids for the elderly."

(stamped onscreen): "HEARING AIDS: COVERED!"

(Madonna, to the Grammys crowd): "I can't hear you."

(voice-over): "Have fun and be safe! A message from Medicare."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Some of us are on a budget, Gutenberg. When's your Bible coming out in paperback?" / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

Over the weekend, Dave watched a 2¾-hour documentary about the Eagles. Paul's seen it too. Dave learned about Irving Azoff, who manages them. He's a tremendous guy... gets it done. Dave wants to get the Eagles on. They've cranked out great music, but Dave can't tell the difference between Glenn Frey and Don Henley. Paul can't, either.

••• Alan says tonight's TTL is sponsored by the Discover it® Card. •••

It's Pat Farmer's interruption #2015-0002.

Pat Farmer shows up and plants himself in the #1 guest seat, as the CBSO play his brand new theme song. Sing along, won't you?
Hey, here's our stagehand, Pat
He's one crazy cat
He'll interrupt Dave with a smile and a wave
And tell... that... old... jackass where it's at
(Dave): "Pat... what... uh?"

(Pat): "How are you, Dave?"

(Dave): "Pat Farmer. You're not sup... What are you doin' out here?"

(Pat): "Dave, just checkin' in after the weekend."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Pat): "How was your weekend? Good?"

(Dave): "I had a good weekend, thank you very much."

(Pat): "Oh, that's good."

(Pat, looking to the CBSO): "Hit it, Paul!"

(CBSO): Pat's theme song, as he scampers offstage

Everybody gets money out of this but Dave. Paul insists that Dave should get a taste.

••• desk chat: Dave wants Irving Azoff to get him his taste. How does that work when you're the owner? Anyway, Dave tells how Azoff went after David Geffen to impress the Eagles. ••• TTL set-up: In South Korea, a robotic vacuum cleaner when napping. All kinds of emergency personnel had to come and save her. ••• Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Woman's Mind at This Moment / #6: "This is causing me as much anxiety as watching Dave run," is an audience shout out. •••
Steve Carell, now Oscar nominee Steve Carell, is in to plug Foxcatcher, which opened on January 16. Steve also dropped by to plug the film on 11/11/14. You can read all about that in the 2014 episode logs.

Given the big nomination, Dave wants to visit about Steve's start in acting. (IMDB) Steve mentions playing weather man Brick Tamland in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Before that, early on, he was in a McDonald's commercial for a triple cheeseburger. New to the game, he ate burgers for about 3.5 hours, and felt a bit dyspeptic afterward. He didn't know it would have been OK to spit 'em out between takes.

As we all know, Steve played Yorgo Galfanikos in Over the Top, whatever that was. Of his work in that role, Steve reads a review:

"I wish I could say that Carell is bad, but that would imply that I have some frame of reference to judge him against. Carell screeches, wheezes, his eyes bulge... and that's when he's standing still. Trust me when I say, 'This is not a road you wish to travel.' The truth is, I've never seen anything like what I saw last Tuesday night. I've stood in a freezer full of dead people at the morgue, I've seen a man's scalp pulled back over his nose, but I can now honestly say that until Steve Carell's turn in the premiere of Over the Top, I have never known true horror."
On Oscars announcement day, Steve considered playing it cool and not watching, but thought better of the idea. He was up at 5:30 A.M. in Los Angeles, planted in front of the TV, and his wife was watching upstairs. They jumped up and down a bit afterward.

So... what's different in the Carell household after the nomination? "My kids now treat me with respect." "They don't care at all!"

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: Nancy Agostini, Barbara Gaines, Jude Brennan and Mary Barclay1 ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, a roundup of desirable on-street parking spots that may still be available." ••• NBA Commissioner Adam Silver visits with Dave about giving Donald Sterling the boot, etc. If you missed him, count your blessings. ••• desk chat: Dave produces a phony AARP magazine cover with him on it. ••• Hundred Waters sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1 Mary's name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

2/10/15 [4159]: NEW INTRO: "From a stretch of federally-protected wetlands, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out: "If you folks are really good tonight, after the show, we'll go out for ice cream." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"If you've been to New York City, this is a really important... very, uhh... it's a great thing. In the last week, in New York City... absolutely no murders. And I'm thinkin', 'Oh, yeah... Wait 'til the snow melts."

"This is an unpleasant topic, but if there are no murders, I mean... that's the only way apartments ever become available."

This is fun! Dave, when referring to Fifty Shades of Grey, can't pronounce sadomasochism (sey-doh-mas-uh-kiz-uh m). He says sadomackinism, then sadomacadamia, sadochocolatemintmacadamia, then back to sadomackinism, then he gets it. This is kind of stunning, because Dave has a tremendous vocabulary. (We're not counting off for sadochocolatemintmacadamia.)

"If you're really that excited about sadomasochism, just go down and see the Knicks play."

••• "They sent a couple of guys down into the subway to do some testing about bacteria and stuff, 'cause people always say, 'Eeeee', 'Don't go to the subway,' 'Ohhhh.' So they did some testing. They took some swabs down into the subway, and they found... guess what... 15,000 different kinds of organisms living in the subway." / "Organisms Living in the New York City Subway" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "The R train: E coli. The D train: Staphylococcus. The C train: This:"

It's a monster-in-a-subway-car clip... kind of like you see in Men in Black, I think.

(voice-over): "The MTA. Going your way."

••• It's Todd Seda's monologue interruption # 2015-0005, which goes very much like this:
(Dave): "Excuse me, Todd? What's... Todd, what are you doin'?"

(Todd, whose face is covered with red dots): "Oh, I'm comin' down with the measles, Dave. I should probably go home, so I don't infect anyone."

(Dave, amused): "Yeah, nice try. No, you're not... you're... you're not goin' home. Don't worry about it. Just put that away. Thank you very much."

(me): At this point, we happen to see the cue card. Dave had just told a Justin Bieber funny before he noticed Todd's phony symptoms. Under the joke is a red box with red print: "NOTICE TODD"

(Todd puts away the red marker he used to apply his measles.)

••• Have you seen the Matthew McConaughey Lincoln MKZ commercials? (By coincidence, one runs later in tonight's LSDL.) / doctored video: Matthew plays with the electric sun roof. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip: Avoid any doctor who referes to a check up as a 'check-em-up.' " / a plug for AT&T •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

  • It's been a long time, but Dave starts tossing out catch phrases (after some hick talk with Paul): "Are you cookin' beans?" "What time is it?" "Is Zorro on?" (Paul helps.)

  • It's Todd Seda's interruption # 2015-0006. (Dave): "Todd, what is it? What are you doin' now?" (Todd, who's now a complete mess... his face covered with countless red spots and blotches): "Oh, man. I think I'm allergic to Magic Marker ink, Dave." (Dave): "Well, now, you have no one to blame but yourself. I hope you have you have learned a little something. I hope you have learned a lesson. Have you learned anything about this?" (Todd): "Yeah. Don't do skits."
••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by the Discover It® card. ••• TTL set-up:
(Dave, paraphrased, on Brian Williams): I've never seen anything quite like this. Brian is smart, interesting and entertaining. He's the guy you want to be. He mentions "facts misremembered." Dave then says, "I just want to tell you something. I've been on television... Paul and I... a long, long time. And most of everything I have said in my 33-year career on television is not true." He goes on, "And I'll tell you why I have to make things up. I'm not that interesting. But you get a guy like Brian Williams, who is (a) fascinating individual, and he says millions and millions and millions and millions of things every day on the little Nightly News show over there, and so, occasionally, some of them have to be rejiggered. You've got, 'Oh, no, wait a minute. I... you know what? I misspoke. I should have said so-and-so.' And they should just put, and the end of the show, 'Some of what Brian says tonight may not be true.' Just... not that big a deal."

(Dave, a bit later): "Here's what I did. You tell me if this is true. I'm learnin' to text on my texter... my phone. I was horsin' around over the weekend... took a picture of my thing... my hand to God, this (is a) true story, and accidentally texted it to Joe Biden."

(Dave, later): "It will resolve, and everything will be fine."

••• Top Ten Other Things Brian Williams Said That May or May Not Be True / #7: "Have you meet my sisters, Venus and Serena Williams?" / #6: "I recently defeated Bill O'Reilly and Richard Simmons in a cage match," is an audience shout out. •••
Courtney Love plugs Empire, "A unique family drama set in the world of a hip hop empire." Dave will bring up Hole about a dozen times, then it's on to Empire. Courtney wanted to get back into acting. Because of her Hole experience, she sent a text message to the director, Lee Daniels, and got the part.

Dave confesses that while he was doing stand-up in Los Angeles, he did some weed, and was a bit of an alcoholic, which he's mentioned numerous times. What about Courtney? She did all of it, but she's a Buddhist now. It changed her life, she reports, and now she chants stuff. Dave meditates, but he gets bored with it. "When I do get bored, I light up an enormous doobie." (I saw the Doobie Brothers in Manhattan in 1978, and my little ears are still ringing. Do not buy tickets on the third row of a Doobie Brothers concert.)

We finally get to the kids question. Courtney's daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, is now 22, and she's an artist and producer.

Dave wants Hole in an episode of Empire, for the whole episode.

•••

desk chat:

  • Dave wants to talk about Chris Elliott. Three months from retirement, Dave says the topic people bring up the most (9 times out of 10) is Chris's "The Guy Under the Seats" on LNDL.

  • Back to Brian Williams: He says David Muir at ABC is really good, and CBS has Scott Pelley. Maybe Scott should make somethin' up. "Like, when the circus is in town, think up a circus story, like he saved a guy from being trampled by an elephant."

  • bumper: Scott Pelley
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "How about a cute little corn holder shaped like me not eating corn because it's too complicated!" ••• It's another Brian Williams desk chat. (Dave): "I'll tell you somethin', and I don't want to put words in Brian Williams' mouth, but if I was Brian Williams, I would just say, 'Screw off!' You're lucky he cares enough about you to make the news entertaining!" •••
Hang onto your wigs and keys. Chris Elliott is on to talk up Schitt's Creek, his brand new show on the POP Network with Eugene Levy. (The control room runs a graphic with the spelling of the title, so the FCC doesn't come calling. After all, DJOY is #1 on George Carlin's list of seven words you can't say on television.) Chris came without a paddle, by the way.

Ohhh... I almost gave up hope, but finally, before he sat down, Chris did his little show business bow. (When he did it back in 2012 after being flour bombed, lots of flour bounced off him.)

Chris is looking lean and mean.... dieting, too.

Chris wants to talk about his years with Dave. They've done pretty well. Dave's leaving CBS as a television icon, adored by billions, and Chris is up on Schitt's Creek on the POP Network.

Eugene Levy created the show, and his son is on it. Catherine O'Hara, who's worked with Eugene many times, is on it, too. The show is about a family that's down on their luck, and they have to move to a small town that the father once bought as a joke. Chris will play the mayor, Rolling in Schitt Roland Schitt. Visit POP's web page for Schitt's Creek.

(Chris): "OK, Dave, I need to wrap this up, but I want to say this now. This actually is my last appearance with you." (Dave): "Not feeling well?" (Chris): "I really doubt that I'll have anything to plug before you're off the air again. ... But... and I honestly wish you'd reconsider this. Don't we think this is premature?" (Dave): "I'll think it over." (Chris): "I think you have at least two or three years before you start getting goofy like Regis Philbin, and America loves a train wreck! I wish you luck. I know it's going to be a big change for you." ... (Chris): "I do, actually, with the audience here, do want to just say thank you, sincerely, for everything you... this man... you can edit this out... I don't care... gave me my start in the business, and you have been my biggest supporter, you have been my mentor. I have learned so much from you. I met my wife through you. I have two beautiful children, thanks to that, and everything I have is thanks to you... and I have a career." (Dave): "You're the funniest man I've ever worked with." (Chris, teared-up): "And I'm gonna miss you, and sorry, I've got the Boehner disease, here."

Now Chris has a song! We'll hear it, and we'll see lots of photos of Chris and Dave on LNDL, years ago. Oh, I almost forgot. It's to the tune of Lulu's "To Sir, with Love."

"To Dave, with Love"

Those school girl days
Of biting nails and telling tales are gone
But in my mind I know...
They will still live on and on

But how do you thank someone
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy but I'll try

If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To Dave, with love

The time has come for closing books
And long last looks are done
(no more looks, Dave)
(alright, I'll give you one more)
And, as I leave
Well, I know that I'm leaving my very best friend

A friend who taught me right from wrong
And weak from strong
That's a lot to learn
What? What? Can I give you in return?

If you wanted the moon, I would try to make a star
But I would rather you would give me your heart
To Dave... with love

(Dave, applauding): "Thank you, Chris. That was awful!"

(me): As I posted to AFL tonight, you can't think about the glorious old Late Night days for 10 seconds without thinking of Chris Elliott. I thought Darlene Love's final appearance was rough. I was all misty, even before Chris got to that state. Tonight was another reality check that was wonderful, but hard to take.

(complete video)

("To Dave, with Love" - YouTube)

("To Dave, with Love" - 720px)

••• Rhiannon Giddens sings "Waterboy." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: Chris and Dave

2/11/15 [4160]: INTRO: "From the heart of wine country, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Anybody drivin' a car in New York City? Good luck drivin' a car in New York City. Good luck tryin' to find a place to park in New York City. And when you get to the parking place, good luck figuring out the parking signs... restrictions... prohibitions for a parking place in New York City. It is so complicated! It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer!"

"Coach Bill Belichick is on the show tonight. We invited Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks to be on the show, but he passed. My son wrote that joke."

As of yesterday, Apple is worth $700 billion. Dave has all his money in Radio Shack.

••• NFL Films is credited with bringing pro football to the fore in American culture. (Isn't fore a golf term?) Ed Sabol, founder, expired two days ago at the age of 98. This gentleman had a rich, full life. Ed's loving family have released film of his last few days. / video:
(dramatic documentary music)

We see a slo-mo, close-up video of Ed eating vegetable soup.

Later in the monologue, Dave mutters, "Yeah... they didn't have to send the film in."

••• UPS made so much $$$ in 2014, they've added new surcharges to celebrate. / video:
(clip): shipping center

(voice-over): "After costs soared during the holiday season, UPS will soon begin applying surcharges for various services. Customers can now expect additional fees for: Peak-season delivery ($2.25), Temperature protection ($3.55) and to request that our drivers don't urinate on your house ($5.50)."

(clip): a driver taking a whiz by a backyard fence during the 2014 holidays

(graphic and voice-over): "A message from UPS."

••• Fifty Shades of Grey will open on Valentine's Day. How about a look? / video:
(Jamie Dornan): It's just beyond this door."

(Dakota Johnson): "What is?"

(Jamie Dornan): "My playroom."

(Dakota Johnson): "Couldn't you just open the door?"

(Jamie opens the door. They step inside.)

(graying gentleman in the room): "Hello. This is Ray LaHood, Secretary of Transportation."

(Dakota Johnson): "Oh, my God!"

(graphic): "Fifty Shades of Ray"

(me): That was a good one! (Don't throw anything away.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I wonder if Minnie Driver's car has one of those 'driver does not carry cash' signs." / a plug for Planters® •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

  • Dave's excited about the first guest, Bill Belichick. He hopes to learn how the Patriots achieve dominance. Also, we may hear about the kerfluffle over football inflation. He claims he's never uttered kerfluffle1 before. The whole scandal was a bunch of hooey, also never uttered before. Hooey is a synonym for balderdash, poppycock, malarky or bulldjoy. He wishes Bill were coaching one of the NYC teams.

    (edit): 1 I looked up kerfluffle after this episode, and couldn't find it in my logs. Then Mike McIntee in the Wahoo Gazette noted that "Jim Keyes" said it on 8/20/13. The reason I couldn't find it is I was using the spelling I found in a dictionary. Jim Keyes said it differently: "Thanks, Dave, and sorry about the whole taking-you-off-television kerfuffle." My search was only looking for one spelling.

  • Last night, Jon Stewart announced that he's leaving The Daily Show after 17 years. Dave sends his congrats to Jon. I was completely surprised to learn that he's been on that long.

    I looked back in my episode logs, to see how long Dave and Jon have been acquainted. I found Jon doing stand-up on Late Night on 3/06/92. His first appearance on LSDL was on 1/11/94. It looks like his show opened on 7/22/96, so he's had a nice run.

••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by the Discover It® card. •••
TTL set-up: KCBS-TV in Los Angeles broke a story yesterday that the Metro Supermarket in Temple City, California was selling raccoon carcasses for $9.99 a pound. Authorities are trying to figure out if it's legal or not. (me): Rabies, anyone? Has anyone called Granny Clampett? She sure did like to cook up possums. The excitement's coming from the fact that the whole coon's there, in the freezer section, in a transparent plastic bag: teeth, paws, striped fur and probably the innards, as Granny would say. (KCBS video)
••• Top Ten Signs You're in a Bad Supermarket / #6 is an audience shout out. / The CBSO play the theme song, "Who's in a Bad Supermarket?" (me): This is killing me! I can't think what the CBSO has used the same theme song for. •••
Coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots is up next. Alan Kalter has the audience all hyped up, as usual, but this time we hear some boos from crazed fans of lesser teams.

Question #1: How does Coach B. feel about extinguishing Dave's Colts? A: "Well, it was only a 38-point win." The Patriots had a 41-14 loss to my Kansas City Chiefs in September, so they've been on that side, too. There's no pill. There's no switch. You just have to work through it.

Dave wants trade secrets now. "Who thinks up the plays?" Coach says he has a great staff, and each unit works on their plays, but it's easier to get a bill through Congress than to get a play approved. What if a neighbor cooks up a play for the Patriots? Coach mimicks wadding up and trashing a piece of paper. "We've got enough plays. It's not the plays... it's the players."

(Dave): "What about Jonas Gray? Did he get in trouble for sleeping through a meeting? (Coach): "Oh, that's just a big story. You know the media." (Dave): "So the guy didn't miss a meeting?" (Coach): "Well... we did what's best for the football team."

Coach Belichick tosses in a friendly jab now and then, recalling the Patriots' 45-7 victory over Dave's Colts on Jan. 18.

Dave brings up the ball-inflation scandal, in the aforementioned 45-7 game. He says ball inflation (or lack thereof) can't account for 45 points. There was so much pseudoscientific discussion about inflation that Coach should have gotten some college credit. (Dave): "You know exactly what happened. I know you know exactly what happened. You know I know you know. And what it was was some kind of horseplay. Am I right?" (Coach, shaking his head): "No." Dave says they played around upstairs today with balls having different inflation. Coach says that as balls get colder, they deflate. He dodges Dave's question on whether the Colts blew the whistle on the scandal. Dave isn't finished having fun with this. "Now, here's what I heard. I heard that the guy intercepts the pass, and he takes the ball over... hands it to his guy, he deflates it, and then they say, 'Hey, look at this ball! It's got no air in it!' Is that what happened?" (Coach): "We're gonna bring you in to testify."

(Dave): "Poor Pete Carroll on that call? What was that? He was trying to overcoach?" Coach has great respect for Pete. "It was a great play by Malcolm Butler."

Dave hands over the Lombardi Trophy.

••• We haven't heard from Pat Farmer in two days. Let's fix that with "Finding Your Spirit Animal with Pat Farmer." / Pete reports to the guest chair.
(Dave): "Hi, Pat."

(Pat): "Hello Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "Nice to see you. Did you get to see the coach out here, earlier?"

(Pat): "It's very good. I'm a Jets fan, but..."

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So, let's talk about the spirit animal. What is this? Tell us how it works."

(Pat): "Well, as you know, Dave, I dabble in mysticism."

(Dave): "Yes."

(Pat): "So today, I'm gonna show you and the viewers how to find your spirit animal."

(Dave): "Is it difficult?"

(Pat): "I wouldn't say so. No."

(Dave): "Can anyone do this?"

(Pat): "Yes. You've got to concentrate, but I think you can..."

(Dave): "Is it your belief that we all have a spirit animal?"

(Pat): ""Absolutely. Absolutely."

(Dave): "More than one?"

(Pat): "We prefer to think that it's one, and we're going to find yours right now."

(Dave): "Tend to be a wild animal?"

(Pat): "Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want a tame animal as a spirit."

(Dave): "Oh, I see. Birds?"

(Pat): "Birds would work. Birds would work. Yeah."

(Dave): "Uh... jungle beasts?"

(Pat): "Absolutely! Absolutely! Some people prefer jungle beasts. Are you ready?"

(Dave): "Some people actually prefer the jungle beasts."

(Pat): "They do. The wild animals. The wild... feral animals."

(Dave): "Possible to be represented by more than one?"

(Pat): "Usually not, Dave. No. Yourself... possibly."

(Dave): "OK, well, let's give it a try. What do I have to do? Do I have to disrobe?"

(Pat): "Concentrate. Close your eyes, please."

(Dave, eyes closed): "I can't... You know, Pat, when I have my eyes closed, I can't see the cue cards."

(theater lights dimmed)

(big laugh from the audience)

(Pat): "We're gonna have to wing it, then, Dave."

(Dave): "I've been doin' that for 30 years."

(Pat): "You're in a field."

(Dave): "I'm in a field."

(Pat): "OK. It's the most beautiful color green you've ever seen."

(Dave): "Oh, it's verdant... lush."

(Pat): "Yes. All of a sudden, you hear a rustling in the trees."

(FX): rustling in the trees

(Pat): "You turn your head to the left, Dave."

(Dave): "Sure."

(Pat): "Just as an animal pokes its head out of the bush."

(Dave): "OK."

(Pat): "What animal do you see, Dave?"

(Dave): "It's... a... Aw, I can't make it out. I... I'm sorry, I didn't see. Can I open my eyes?"

(Pat): "Open your eyes now."

(Dave): "Yeah, I didn't see... I thought for a second I saw a drifter, but... nothing."

(Pat): "It was a squirrel, Dave."

(Dave): "A squirrel?"

(Pat): "Yes. My girl will bill you."

(Pat rises and leaves the stage.)

(Indian music)

(title graphic): "Finding Your Spirit Animal"

(me): I forgot this segment lasted three minutes before I set out to transcribe it. I think I have learned a valuable lesson, but it was a fun segment. (By the way, didn't we all think Dave's spirit animal would be a kitty?")

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's supervising producer Brian Teta and Coach Bill Belichick.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our panel of dog experts reveals who's a good boy!" •••

Elisabeth Moss plugs The Heidi Chronicles, at the Music Box Theatre, 239 West 45th Street, beginning on Feb. 23.

She doesn't like public speaking and she gets stagefright, but she keeps going back for more.

Dave asks if she likes sports. No, but she threw out the first pitch at a Cubs game last year. She was scared that she might bounce the pitch, so she enlisted Jon Hamm to coach her in Central Park. It all worked out fine.

What about working with Robert Redford? "You'd be surprised, when you're talking to Robert Redford, what an idiot you become."

Elisabeth has wrapped Mad Men, after seven seasons. Dave quizzes her on the outcome. "It's just a group orgy," Elisabeth jokes.

bumper: Elisabeth throwing that first pitch

Here's Elisabeth holding her @LETTERMAN card.

••• Madisen Ward and the Mama Bears sing "Silent Movies." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/12/15 [4161]: INTRO: "From America's oldest wooden roller coaster, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out, "The doctor will see you now," will remain a mystery. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"You know what it is now? Once again, it's fashion week here in New York City, and you can sure tell by lookin' at you folks."

"I did the math on this. It takes about a dozen models to actually create a shadow."

"Here's a great thing if you're lookin' for somethin' to do Valentine's Day. The Waffle House is runnin' a special candlelight Valentine's Day dinner. I mean, that's right... menus... plastic menus with pictures of waffles, sticky table tops... I mean, that's amore."

"This happens, well, about every six months. Somebody goes someplace to have a lovely meal, and they end up with problems. A woman here in Manhattan went into a seafood restaurant, bit into a hunk of fish... got a fishhook, right in the roof of her mouth. Yup. Yup. I hate it when you go into a fish restaurant, and you're the catch of the day!"

"Is there a more loathsome group on the planet than ISIS? No. Listen to this. They're now asking people to donate blood. Well, I think this is a positive step. Usually they don't ask."

••• What about Valentine's Day on a budget? / video:
(photos): calendar with Feb. 14 circled, young man looking perplexed, and a humongous diamond

(soft-spoken voice-over): "Valentine's Day can be stressful when you're on a budget. If you can't afford the diamond she's dreaming of, express your love with the timeless beauty of carbon, in the form of coal."

(photo): diamond-sized hunk of coal

(voice-over): "It'll become a diamond if subjected to extreme pressure, like the pressure you're under to give the perfect romantic gift."

(photo): about 15 chunks of coal, neatly stacked on velvet

(caption and voice-over): "Say it with Coal."

(new, hilarious voice-over guy named Mike McIntee hollers): "Available at Kay Jewelers!"

(me): I remember an episode of TV's Superman, when he squished coal to create some diamonds in real time.

••• Let's see what's going on at NBC News. / video:

(clip): Chuck Todd, visiting Meet the Press back in October, I think, plays NBC's old-time network ID chime notes on a French horn.

(Dave calls him Chuck Todman, just for fun.)

••• Let's see what's going on at NBC News. / video:
(Today outdoor footage from Halloween 2013): Tom Cruise's buddy, Matt Lauer, is wearing a red, once-piece swimming suit. He has acquired a set of hooters, along with a blonde wig, and is supposed to be Pamela Anderson. (with co-host Willie Geist and Carmen Electra, formerly of Baywatch)

(Matt): "Is someone drowning? I brought my cans."

••• Soon we can see a Broadway production of Spider-Man in Las Vegas. / video
(Spidey scenes)

(voice-over): "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is headed for Las Vegas, featuring all your favorite moments from the smash-hit Broadway musical, with Don Rickles as Spider-Man."

(clip): Mr. Rickles, in a tuxedo, is wearing an FX Spidey mask.

(Rickles): "Well, I laugh about people, no matter what the hell you are. Irish, Jewish, Italian, Negro, Puerto Rican... well, Puerto Rican... (not so sure about Puerto Ricans)." (rim shot)

(graphic and voice-over): Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark: Only at the Tropicana."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: On this date in 1467, the soup of the day was lentil." / a plug for the Discover It® card •••

ACT 2

Worldwide Pants Incorporated cares. Dave calls out TV's Biff Henderson, asking him to be seated.

Dave begins, "There was a fellow, and he was in a Late Show hooded, zippered sweatshirt. Looked great. Looked fantastic! And by the way... just give you an idea... if you want to buy the Late Show merchandise, there's only one place in the world, and it's the Grease Fire Deli... right next to the theater, here. That's the only outlet you can get this stuff! So anyway, the guy... I was talkin' to him... his name was Bob or Larry or I-Don't-Know, and it looked to me like he purchased the wrong size, because when you purchase the Late Show merchandise, you have to allow for shrinkage. So do me a favor. You take the guy... What happened to his money? Did we get him money back? Somebody... it's... you got money?" (Biff): "Not that much!" (Dave): "Alan, do you have more money?" (Alan): "You took it back." (Dave): "OK, we took it back and gave it to the woman? Alright, then give Biff some more money. Take him now. Take him... get him a different size. Don't take it from Debbie, for God's sakes! And hurry! You've gotta hurry, here!" (CBSO): playing "Hello, Dolly."

Biff leads the smiling audience gent toward the 53rd St. doors, down the sidewalk and into Hello Deli, and Dave visits with Rupert to arrange the deal on the $49.95 exchange. He tries on the XXL. (Dave): "Alright now, take off your jeans." Biff and Bob or Larry come back in the theater to the tune of "Hello, Dolly," Dave shakes hands, and everyone lives happily ever after.

I notice that Rupert has really cut back on his online Late Show merchandise. You'd better get it while you can!

•••
Tonight's TTL is sponsored by the Discover It® card. (Dave has several.) ••• TTL setup: It's the NBA All-Star Weekend in New York, including the All-Star Celebrity Game, Three-Point Shooting Contest, Slam Dunk Contest and the All-Star Game. ••• Top Ten Least Popular Events of the NBA All-Star Weekend / #9: Lebron's LeBrunch / #7: Discipline a Mop Boy / #6: a shout out to the XXL hoodie guy / #2: The Donald Sterling Apology Experience / #1: New York Knicks Autograph Signing / The CBSO play out the TTL with "All Star" by Smash Mouth.
•••
The CBSO plays on our old friend, Tom Hanks, with Tommy James and the Shondells' "Hanky Panky." Tom gets such a warm welcome from the audience that he doesn't know if he can handle the pressure! It's more people he'll have to apologize to! Dave thanks him for appearing, to which Tom replies, "Dave, there's always room for you on my celebrity mule train. I can't imagine bein' out hawkin' the product without stoppin' by and talkin' to you." This is a very fun interview with two old friends. I messed up the video capture of one of the segments, but I have a junior-sized video linked below. (I forgot to restart the video capture after a commercial break, so a third of the segment's off videotape instead of off the air.)

Dave goes straight to tonight's main topic, the typewriter. Tom's dad required him to take typing. The two-time Oscar winner got himself a C+ for his efforts. Dave also took typing, but an awesome babe sat next to him, and she wanted nothing to do with him, and he flunked. The multiple Emmy Award-winning host and writer took it again, improving to a C. Tom persuades Paul to play Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance." Tom had the idea for an app that gives you mechanical-typewriter sounds when you poke on the simulated keys on your electronic gadget. He got together with Mike Blank, and the Hanx Writer, a free app, was born. Here's another link about Tom's fascination with typewriters. The New Yorker has a story on it. You can get different sounds.

The app was developed in Tom's underground lair, in an undisclosed desert location. (Just look for the big rock that moves aside... kind of like the Bat Cave.) Staff drive around in golf carts.

Dave wants to talk about the IBM Selectric. (I used one at work for at least 10 years. They are the best example of human engineering I've ever seen.) Dave liked the correcting feature of the later models.

After commercials, Tom brings up Leo DeCaprio's Catch Me If You Can, in which he used a manual typewriter to perpetrate some of his scams. What a great movie! Tom managed to buy the typewriter from the movie for the offered price of $50. Sold!

The topic turns to Rita Wilson. The happy couple have been together for about 28 years. Rita will be on Broadway in Larry David's Fish in the Dark, opening on March 5 at the Cort Theatre, 138 W. 48th Street. You can read about Larry's visit with Dave on Jan. 15 right here. Tom hasn't been allowed to see it yet. Shoot... he can't even stand backstage. Tom recalls the visit of Dave and Paul to his play, Lucky Guy, a few years back, when the stage manager informed him there was a "very troubled man" who wanted to see him. Rita saw Tom's play about 15 times, yet he can't get into hers, so far. Could it be that Tom makes typewriter noises during Broadway plays?

The next fun topic is sports-related. When Tom and the boys are watching a lousy football game, they play their own game, Head Coach as Stepdad. When the camera shows the coach, they guess what kind of stepdad he would be. Tom acts out Bill Belichick, Tom Coughlin of the Giants, the Jets' Rex Ryan and the Cowboys' Jimmy Johnson.

We close with footage from Happy Days, that led to Tom's long association with Ron "Opie" Howard. (He karated The Fonz through a window, and presumably killed him!) Tom has a fun impression of Ron, by the way. He follows that with impressions of Dave in retirement. Dave hopes Tom will return before his long walk into the sunset in May.

(me): This was 23 minutes of awesome. I don't know that I've ever seen a guest contribute more energy to an interview than Tom did tonight. (OK... Bill Murray dancing to Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" on Feb. 1, 1982 was right up there.)

(complete interview video)

••• The Act 5 Audience Pan was run during Tom's interview: "When we come back, a look at what's hotter right now -- fads or trends." ••• Sturgill Simpson sings "Long White Line." Dave liked it. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

I'm two days late writing the Feb. 13 episode, as I was enroute west on I-70 during the show, on the way home from my 20th Beach Boys concert in Kansas City. I got to visit with Mike Love and Bruce Johnston, and sit in on their sound check. Thanks much to Wahoo Mike McIntee for sending me a preview of tonight's episode when he found out I couldn't watch the show live. If my return trip had been about an hour earlier, I could have stopped in at WIBW-TV in Topeka and watched in the control room. Their station is about 200 feet from I-70, on the west edge of the city.

For a number of years, when I'd be on the road between Kansas City and Manhattan during a Late Show episode, and especially before you could see back episodes on cbs.com, I'd take my little 4", 12-volt TV with me. I could follow the show on Kansas City's KCTV-5 for half the 120-mile trip, and Topeka's WIBW-13 for the other half. WIBW's transmitter site is three miles south of I-70, halfway between Topeka and Manhattan. Then we got HDTV, and it doesn't work anymore.

2/13/15 [4162]: INTRO: "From a luxury resort with all the amenities, it's the Late Show with David Letterman. ... And now, the geographic center of the continental United States... David Letterman!" (me): That's in Lebanon, Kansas, about 114 miles from me. The marker's just north of US-36, which runs from Utah to Baltimore, Maryland. ••• Tonight's audience shout out, "The doctor will see you now," will remain a mystery. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"And trouble where you don't expect it. The Little League championship world series team was disqualified from winning the world series last year. They were... yeah... they were from Chicago, and they were... turns out the baseballs were underinflated."

It's Todd Seda's interruption # 2015-0007.

(Dave): "Will you be my valen... Will you be my valen... Todd? Now... this... what? What is that, Todd?"

(Todd): "Uh... Whoops! Sorry... my bad, Dave."

(Todd's holding a "WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE?" cue card, with a heart on it.

(Todd continues): "I also do cue cards for Wendy Williams..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Todd): "And this is for her."

(Dave): "Really?"

(Todd turns to a camera.): "I love you, Wendy. Call me?" (He blows a kiss, then stares at the camera long enough to be really, really creepy.)

(Dave): "OK. Alright. Alright. Good luck with that, Todd."

••• Dave would never go into politics. Jeb Bush wants to be the GOP candidate for president. One of his staffers has already had to resign. / video:
(female voice-over): "Recently it was revealed that the technology officer for Jeb Bush's campaign wrote several offensive tweets about sluts."

(photo of the rascal)

(female voice-over): "This staffer has been asked to resign, and from now on, Jeb promises to run a strictly pro-slut campaign!"

(graphic): "PRO-SLUT CAMPAIGN"

(female voice-over): "If elected, Jeb will fight for all of America's sluts.

  • conservative sluts
  • liberal sluts
  • young sluts
  • old sluts
He'll even appoint our nation's first Secretary of Sluts."

(Jeb Bush photo)

(female voice-over): "Jeb Bush: Ich bin ein slut."

(me): dude's name is Ethan Czahor (@czahor)

••• Pope Francis wants people to have kids. / video from his Sunday address:
(Pope Francis, at that window where he speaks to the multitudes): "There's no greater virtue than bringing babies into the world. As the Bible says, 'Be fruitful and multiply.' "

(cue background music): Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"

(Pope Francis, now reciting lyrics):

"I've been really tryin', baby
Tryin' to hold back these feelings for so long.
And if you feel like I feel baby.
Come on, oh come on.
Oooh... let's get it on."
••• Here's not an impression from Dave. (Paul says it's a dramatization.) Dave turns 180° and starts doing Jimmy Stewart from Harvey. Then Dave does his weekend. We all know where this is going! Dave turns back to the cameras with, "Yeah, one senior for Fifty Shades of Grey." Oh, wait! He's not done. Dave swipes Paul's Ed Sullivan impression. •••
Dave's been making references to exploding manhole covers over recent days. I rode the Google for a minute and found the explanation in the New York Post. It's all true. Salt and/or saltwater from treating snowy streets is getting onto underground high-voltage lines. When they blow, off come the neighborhood manhole covers. It's happened several times lately. Hey... it's not all bad news. Here's video:

(security cam video): A couple on a sidewalk are a few feet from an exploding manhole cover.

(more explosions and voice-over): "Manhole cover explosions are dangerous, but now they can be dangerously fun! Introducing the new Explode 'n Win game, only from Dunkin' Donuts!"

(clip): another 'splosion

(voice-over): "If a manhole explodes nearby, look under the cover to claim your prize!"

(me): It's the same idea as a prize announcement under pop bottle caps, back in the day.

(excited man): "I win!"

(voice-over): "Explode 'n Win Today! Only at Dunkin' Donuts!"

(me): The voice-over guy sounded kind of like Jay Johnson.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I never would have used my salad tongs on other foods if I'd known it voided the warranty." / a plug for H&R Block •••

ACT 2

As we know, truth is stranger than fiction, and Mr. Bad Haircut himself, Kimberly Jong-Un, is stranger than just about everything. NPR just published a story, "Let Us Review North Korea's Glorious New Slogans!" Dave reports that there are 500 of these gems. He'll read a sampling, and the CBSO will put some of them to song.

  • Be constantly on alert, without a moment's relaxation.
  • Carry out the party's policy as exactly in all aspects, as the Chonji lubricating oil factory did.
  • Let us make our country overflow with rice by boosting cereals production.
  • Fertilizer means rice and socialism. (Dave): "A lot of people believe that socialism is fertilizer."
Now we move to the musical versions, performed by the CBSO:
  • Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms.
  • Play sports games in an offensive way.
  • Grow vegetables extensively in greenhouses. (set to the Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime") (very catchy)
  • Let us turn the whole country into a socialist Fairyland. (set to Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy")
  • Let the strong wind of fish farming blow across the country. (military-style march)

    Encore:

  • Grow vegetables extensively in greenhouses. (set to the Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime") ding ding ding!
••• out of commercials: Dave entertains us with his impression of President Gerald R. Ford. (It kind of sounds like Nixon, but he says "Betty," so we know it's Ford.) ••• Dave and Paul spend a few moments working on their Ed Sullivan impressions. They can use these in their next gigs. •••
Bill Hader plugs the Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary Special, airing on Feb. 15 (a Sunday). (Paul Shaffer's going to be there, too.)

Dave enjoyed The Skeleton Twins, with Dave Sikula's very favorite actress (as far as you know), Kristen Wiig. She came on to plug the film on 9/03/14 [4078]. Oh, I remember now: "Having both coincidentally cheated death on the same day, estranged twins reunite with the possibility of mending their relationship."

He spent eight seasons on SNL. For the first half of those, he wondered if he'd survive to the next episode. Breathing exercises, horsie sounds and his wife's support pulled him through. He tells about the time when, even after the dress rehearsal, the character he was to play was changed completely.

Bill entertains us with Lorne Michaels impressions. Back to the special: As of now, three days before the big special airs, he doesn't know what he's doing. Sometimes they had to do sketches that only Lorne found amusing, such as "Fart Face." It aired on the most-watched episode of the 40 years.

Mr. Hader is from Tulsa. He spent five seconds at a community college, then moved to Los Angeles, into a tiny room next to a common room. One day, his room door was open, and he saw guys going by with TVs and other electronic gadgets. "Moving day," he thought. Nope. They were crooks.

••• out of commercials: Dave does an impression of Gene Ring, his high school basketball coach. In 33 years, I don't remember Dave ever mentioning playing basketball. ••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by the Discover It® card. Dave comments, "I wish I had one." Last night he announced that he had several. ••• Top Ten Ways to Make Valentine's Day Special ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Tom Hanks and an unknown female. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The EZ-Pass people must look at my records and think 'This guy must be doing pretty well to be taking so many toll roads.' " •••
Pat McGann does stand-up. I liked him! He also appeared on 1/24/14, and I thought he was good then, too. Watch for him in Friday Night Chicago on PBS, starting on April 10. (I couldn't find it on IMDB.)
••• Shakey Graves (with Esme Patterson) perform "Dearly Departed." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/16/15 [4163]: INTRO: "From the global seed vault of Norway, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

A VERY STRONG MONOLOGUE TONIGHT:

"People come up to me and they say, 'Jimmy, why have we had no murders in 12 days?' And I... the only thing I can think of is the ground is too frozen to dig shallow graves."

"And I like cold weather, but it was so cold over the weekend that I turned Fifty Shades of Blue." (or is it spelled Fifty Shades of Blew?)

"You know what I'm talkin' about. The runaway best seller book, the movie version of the book, Fifty Shades of Grey, dominated the weekend box office, and the weekend box office liked it."

"NBA All-star Game, down the street here at Madison Square Garden. I mean there was stuff... crazy stuff... goin' on in New York City... NBA All-Star Game. The West beat the East 163 to 58, but the loss will be credited to the Knicks."

"And the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, earlier this week. Yeah. They say that's a predictor of the Academy Awards. Last year, the Best in Show winner was interrupted by Kanye's dog."

"Also Fashion Week in New York City, so between Fashion Week and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, I want to tell you somethin', we've got bitches comin' and goin'."

"Science has discovered that popcorn pops at around 180°. Remember when science put a guy on the moon?"

••• Weather Update from Jim Cantore / video:
(graphic, soft guitar music and voice-over): The Weather Channel logo (followed by several different graphics) and, "You're watching The Weather Channel. The temperature is 14°, but the 'feels like' temperature is 8°. The time is 3:30 p.m., but the 'feels like' time is 1:45 p.m. And the Soup of the Day in The Weather Channel commissary is cream of broccoli, but the 'feels like' Soup of the Day is corn chowder. For The Weather Channel, I'm Ted Harper... but I feel like Brenda Harper."

(The Weather Channel graphic)

••• Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the Notorious RBG, nodded off during Obama's State of the Union address last month. She's admitted that she had had a little taste. Whoops. Look at her two days ago. / video:
We'll see a series of court reporter drawings.

(lawyer arguing a case, I guess): "For the purpose of restraining the assessment or collection of any tax..."

(drawing and voice of Justice Antonin Scalia): "Well, that depends on whether that directive is a directive to the secretary..."

(drawing and the slurred voice of Justice Ginsburg, who has a gin bottle and martini glass in front of her): We hear glass clinking. "Mr. Long, why don't we... presently... follow this statutory language?" (slurping sound) I know that you've argued that the... the..." (more slurping) "...Davis case has been..." (sluuuurp)

••• "Jeb Bush Update" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(clip of the Jebster, smiling)

(voice-over): "Former Republican governor Jeb Bush is pleased to report that his mother, First Lady Barbara Bush, no longer opposes his likely run for president... telling him recently, 'I changed my mind.' "

(graphic and voice-over with): "We're so glad Mommy approves, Jeb."

(graphic and voice-over): Sarcasticorp logo and, "A message from Sarcasticorp, a family company."

•••
It's February, and time for the Sports Illustrated cover model. For 2015, it's Jeter's girlfriend, Hannah Davis. To borrow a phrase uttered by Alan Kalter on 6/28/99, she's "hotter than a dancing bobcat with its ass on fire." Before we get to the show's video, here's the photo, and Sports Illustrated's reveal story. Now, on to the video:

(CNN clip and voice-over): "Sports Illustrated is facing criticism for the cover of its swimsuit issue..."

(photo): Hannah's cover, with a good-sized blue dot over her... umm... tummy

(voice-over): "...with many calling the photo of model Hannah Davis and inappropriate. This marks the second time this month that the magazine has come under fire for having an overly-provocative cover."

(Photoshop fun): Oh, dear Lord, no! It's Coach Bill Belichick on the cover, wearing a hoodie and a microscopically-small bikini bottom. This is yet another example of why boys should never be seen in Sports Illustrated.

(voice-over): "Phil Donahue, CNN, Washington."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Increase Your Word Power": 'Paralegal' - - an attorney who practices parachute law." / a plug for Chevrolet •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

  • Dave apologizes for the condition of his hair. (It's been quite unruly of late.) He's tried everything, including every known combination of shampoo, conditioner and bar soap. He doesn't know what to do. A series of haircuts didn't help. It brings to mind a botched cable TV connection. Then there's the 2000-word editorial in today's New York Times.

  • Dave mentions and compliments Mr. Paul Shaffer on his part in yesterday's 40th anniversary special by Saturday Night Live. Paul played piano in the first season, back in '75, but you knew that. He reprised his role on piano for Bill Murray as the lounge singer. Remember when he'd sing the Star Wars theme, making up words as he went along?

  • Also, Tom "Bones" Malone was in the SNL band in that first season.
••• Todd "Cue Cards" Seda comes out to set up "Todd at the NBA All-Star Game." As always, he's fearless and funny.
(with Scottie Pippen): (Todd): "Over the course of your career, who has sweated on you the most?" (Scottie): "Patrick Ewing."

(with Chris Mullin, NBA legend): (Todd): "Is this how you pictured spending your Valentine's Day, talkin' to me?" (Chris): "It is kind of special, isn't it? I wore these red socks, just for you."

(more Scottie Pippen): (Todd): "Who do you think looks like more of a badass... me, or Commissioner Silver?" (Scottie): "Commissioner Silver." (Todd): "What if I was on a dirt bike, jumpin' over a fire?" (Scottie): "Commissioner Silver."

(with Kevin Durant): (Todd): "Who's the sexier Van Gundy, Stan or Jeff?" (Kevin): "I don't really care." (Todd): "Can I get your number?" (Kevin): "No."

(with Andre Drummond): (Todd): "If you see Kevin Durant later, will you say 'what's up' for me?"

(near Lebron James): (Todd): "All I wanna do is touch him." (music): "Also Sprach Zarathustra" / (FX arrow on Lebron's arm, and "no" buzzer): (Todd chickens out.)

(with Dikembe Mutombo, NBA legend): Todd tries on his suit coat and shoes. (epic misfit)

(Todd's also seen with a mascot, Carmelo Anthony, Wesley Matthews, Cody Zeller, Ruth Riley (WNBA legend)

(with Lebron James): (Todd): "Can you say anything to me?" (Lebron): "Whassup?"

(title graphic)

(video) (YouTube)

•••
Matthew Perry plugs the premiere of CBS's The Odd Couple, on Feb. 19. Taping of the first season has already wrapped. He's going to play Oscar, by the way.

Dave asks if Matthew works out. Yup. He had a trainer not long ago who was a dim bulb, who called himself The Party. Matthew's arms got a lot bigger, and his brain got a lot smaller.

He was in China and Hong Kong last year, where no one recognized the famous Friend. But... he knew that he had made it showbiz the first time he heard Dave say his name.

Back to the intended topic... The Odd Couple went off TV 40 years ago! Matthew does some Walter Matthau, from the play. Quoting notes Oscar had found around the apartment, "We're all out of corn flakes. F.U." etc. etc. (Oscar): "It took me two days to realize that 'F.U.' is Felix Unger."

We close with Matthew's impression of Dustin Hoffman saying "Why."

••• Top Ten Ways to Prepare for a Winter Storm / #3: Rank your pets by "most edible." ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's two unknown cute females. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Don't you dare call me a 'Crafter'! I'm a scrapbooker, dammit!" •••
Adam Scott plugs Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

He's just wrapped seven seasons of Parks and Recreation. His six-year-old daughter worried that he was out of work, and the family would starve, I guess. She introduced him with, "This is my daddy. He used to be an actor." His eight-year-old son suggested that he could be employed "smelling butts."

Adam has fun with his podcast, "U Talkin' U2 to Me?" He describes this enterprise with, "It's very stupid. I know for a fact that it's a waste of time for me, and I can only imagine it's a waste of time for all the people that listen to it."

••• Kishi Bashi plays violin and sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/17/15 [4164]: INTRO: "From the jury assembly room, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's first audience shout out is, "Just go out to the airport and wait for the plane." We have no idea why.

"Before the show, I was talkin' to some people, and they had attended the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, down there in Madison Square Garden. What a tremendous event! And this year, of course, it was hosted by Neil Patrick Harris's dog."

"But I wanna tell you somethin' about that dog show. If I want to see rolling over and playing dead at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks game!"

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the Notorious RBG, nodded off during the State of the Union. But she says she'd been up the night before, really late, working on a Supreme Court case, Rum vs. Coke."

••• It premiered on the Late Show, I believe, on 1/30/12. Here's another installment of "Nobody Cares." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Donald Trump in a board room, beside contestants and Geraldo Rivera): "The winner of... The Celebrity Apprentice... is..."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(me): The winner? As Pete Fatovich would certainly say, "Who gives a rat's ass?"

••• It's Pat Farmer's interruption #2015-0003. He arrives at Dave's mark, attired in a union jacket. / Watch closely, won't you?
(Dave): "Oh, hi Pat. How are you? Nice to see you."

(Pat): "Good."

(Dave): "Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen, on the show... from time to time. Good to see you, Pat."

(Pat): "You, too, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "I'm good. What can I do for you?"

(Pat): "Dave, I was wondering what dystopia is."

(Dave): "Dystopia. Hmm. Dystopia. I think it's... uh... disfunctioning organism of society. Society has collapsed in on itself. You know what it is? Utopia, where everything's glowing and lovely. Dystopia would be the dark end of that, where nothing is glowing... nothing is lovely. For example, The Hunger Games."

(Pat): "Aha! OK."

(Dave): "That was a dystopian culture, where nothing worked, everything was broken, human relations were falling apart, people didn't care, empathy was gone."

(Dave): "There was hunger. There was strife."

(Pat): "Wow."

(Dave): "There was crime. There was violence. The sun never shined."

(Pat): "Horrible! Horrible!"

(Dave): "Yeah. That's dystopia."

(Pat, turning to leave): "Thanks, Dave. Thanks."

As Pat leaves the stage... his back to Dave... he raises his voice with, "Hey, guys, I was right. This is a dystopia!"

••• Dakota Johnson is on tonight. Everybody is capitalizing on the success of Fifty Shades of Grey. / video:
(photo): Dakota and her male co-star

(graphic): Fifty Shades of Grey

(sexy music)

(female voice-over): "The wait is over. The year's hottest movie is here, and the electricity crackles, from the bedroom to the hardware store."

(clip): Dakota and her co-star, visiting the duct tape aisle

(female voice-over): "Now you and someone special can join the fun, thanks to True Value® Hardware's full line of erotic items..."

(another store scene)

(female voice-over): "... self-closing hinges, PVC pipe elbows, compact fluorescent bulbs, vacuum cleaner bags..."

(photo): Dakota and lover, fixin' to make out

(female voice-over): "See where your imagination takes you. True Value® Hardware: Let's chase the dawn together."

(me): That was a good one!

••• Here's a new one... a take-off on George W. Bush bloopers. / To commemorate President's Day, watch this "Vintage Presidential Blooper." / video:
(title graphic and music): "Hail to the Chief"

(clip): The FX guys have glued Abe Lincoln's head over W.'s, and he tries to open those doors in Japan... or wherever he was.

(title graphic and music): "Hail to the Chief"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Pickup Lines That Have Yet to Work": "Hey, nice aglets... I'm referring, of course, to the crimped plastic ends of your shoelaces." •••

ACT 2

"Who Asked for It?"

  • A beautiful brunette, who we've never seen, is Caroline. She's a student from Pittsburgh, studying film. She has a question for Todd Seda, "What would your perfect date be?" Todd answers, "Let's see. First we'd ride dirt bikes. Then we'd grab lunch at Taco Bell, then we'd play laser tag, have an afternoon Mountain Dew, see how high we can jump, then we'd get Blizzards at Dairy Queen." (Caroline, obviously smitten with Todd): "Do you wanna hang out after the show?" (Todd): "Aw, sorry... I've got plans with my mom." (Dave): "He's an idiot." (YouTube)

  • It's our pal Mr. Creative, Walter Kim, who claims his name is Alan Agostini. (That's a bit of an inside joke.) He's from Truckee, California, near Lake Tahoe. It's a gorgeous area. (Alan): What's Dave's favorite meal? He likes grilled chicken, with paprika or chili powder. Dave struggles to describe the taste quality the spices impart. He's getting nowhere. (YouTube)

    Wahoo Mike McIntee pokes his head in front of the camera to suggest "Tangy? (no) Zesty? (no) Pungent? (no) Peppery? (no) Tangy? (no, again) Savory?" (Dave boots him.)

  • Wake the kids! Call the neighbors! It's creepy writers R.J. Fried and Joe Grossman, with a series of dumb questions on the boss's expectations for working on St. Patrick's Day 2015. R.J. is at least six inches taller than Joe, so as super-cute "Caroline" grins from ear to ear in her seat behind them, they readjust the microphone each time they question Dave. (YouTube)
•••
Dakota Johnson plugs Fifty Shades of Grey, which made about $¼ billion over its first weekend. It's a really fun interview, and I'm not going to do it justice, 'cause my fever has come back. Dakota's up against Taylor Swift on the Jimmy Show right now, according a friend's text message alert. I'm staying put, because CBS Cares. (OK, I hopped over there for a few seconds in the first commercial break. Dakota and Taylor are both wearing black, as are a lot of college babes this "spring."

Dakota has that same soft-spoken charm as her mommy, Melanie Griffith. She's Crockett's daughter, too. She sounds a bit like her mother, and looks like her, from the right angles. (Hey... you wanna talk about naughty movies, how about Melanie in Body Double, a Brian DePalma offering from 1984? I haven't seen it for a long time, but it's big-time naughty.)

Dakota liked growing up in a showbiz family, but Plan B was having a flower shop.

The audition went on and on, involving numerous trips to see the director or whoever. It took two months to learn the results. Then they set out to find that Jamie Dornan guy.

I think we all know that Dakota's grandma is Tippi Hedren, who back in the 1970s rescued and kept lions, tigers, a black leopard and a couple of elephants. Tippi, by the way, has been acting from 1950 to this year... 65 years!

Get a load of this exchange between Dave and Dakota.

(Dakota): "My mom... on the way here... my mom told me... I was on the phone with her... and she told me to tell you that she loves you!"

(Dave): "Well, here's something..."

(Dakota): "She really meant it!"

(Dave): "I know! Here's something I will tell you. Your mom used to come on the show all the time... and I... really loved your mom."

(Dakota pipes up): "She brought you handcuffs, one time."

(Dave, speechless): nods yes

(Dakota): "So... are you my dad?"

(Dave, grinning): "I just... Whoa! Boy... that's... naw... 'course you're kidding! No, that's just a joke!"

(Dakota): "I know who my dad is."

(Dave): "Don Johnson."

(Dakota): "Yeah." (and again, dejectedly): "Yeah."

(YouTube)

We see the clip of Dakota and Jamie arriving at his playroom.

During the goodbye handshake, Dave says, "Listen... not so much to your dad, but please say hi to your mom."

(edit): After goofing around on alt.fan.letterman for bit, I made my nightly Twitter check. Look at this cute photo of Dakota holding her @LETTERMAN card.

•••

desk chat

  • How about that Dakota Johnson?

  • Using new technology, it's been determined that the Washinton Monument is about 10" shorter than previously thought.
••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Landmarks / #6: an audience shout out to ladies from St. Louis ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hey, minestrone soup manufacturers! Sure, we like a little celery in our soup... but don't push it!" •••
Dave competes with the 2015 Grocery Bagging Champ, David Tochinskiy, the pride of Rosauer's Markets in Spokane. As usual, Biff begins the proceedings with his starter pistol, and Dave cheats, this time via several items taped together and ready to go... which he opts to toss on the floor. (YouTube)
••• Twin Shadow sing. (In spite of "Twin" in their name, "Shadow" is singular. Kids today... What can you do? ••• Alan Kalter says goodnight.

2/18/15 [4165]: INTRO: "From the lawless Northern Provinces, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is, "Let me just say one thing. These people, dressed as they are, come from all over to the world to the Marketplace of America for Let's Make a Deal. If you pawn it, bring me the ticket." (audience guy's wearing a gaudy medallion)

MONOLOGUE:

"Last night, maybe some of you were here for the big Westminster Kennel Club. They have a brand new champion, and as usual, the dog from Kenya won."

"Alex Rodriguez... Do you remember Alex Rodriguez? He was involved in the performance-enhancing drugs scandal, and he was being paid by the Yankees $60,000,000... left on his contract. $60,000,000, but he had to sit out the entire year. But, of course, he wants to come back and play now. So what he did was, he wrote a letter apologizing for his behavior. I had to do the same thing after last night's show." (Dave shows Alex's letter, penned on flowered stationery.)

••• Speaking of the Westminster dog show, Dave saw a fascinating commercial. / video:
(dog show clips)

(female voice-over): "Hey, dogs in town for the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, why not check out the local talent on Dog Tinder, the quick, easy way to meet other dogs who want to meet you?"

(animation): dog paw, operating an iPad

(female voice-over): "Make a love connection on dog tinder. Coyotes not welcome."

••• monologue interruption:
(graphic): ABC TV-7 SPECIAL REPORT

(voice-over): "We interrupt this broadcast for an ABC-7 News special report."

(anchor): "Well, you know, penguins love fish."

(voice-over): "This has been an ABC-7 News special report. We now return you to The Dryer That Knew Too Much, already in progress."

••• Here's a brand new report about cholesterol guidelines. / video:
(outside shot): U. S. Dept. of Health and Human Services

(voice-over): "The federal government's Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee no longer recommends avoiding cholesterol-laden foods, ..."

(shot of greasy bacon frying)

(voice-over): "...finding that most cholesterol-related health issues are related to genetics. Also, in addtition to good and bad cholesterol, we're adding additional categories, such as well-meaning, conflicted, arrogant, reliable-yet-dull, capricious and stank. The Dietary Guidelines and Advisory Committee."

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "Mmm. Mmm. Good!"

••• President Obama has been criticized for injecting comedy in his appearances, podcasts, etc. Presidents have always done comedy, as we see in "Presidents Performing Comedy." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "1976. Gerald Ford appears on Saturday Night Live."

(Ford): "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

(voice-over): "1968. Richard Nixon appears on Laugh In."

(Nixon): "Sock it to me?"

(voice-over): "1932. Herbert Hoover appears in a Three Stooges film."

(Hoover): It's a standard Late Show FX-somebody's-head-on-somebody-else gag. In this case, we see Moe Howard in a mad scientist laboratory, planing the top of Hoover's noggin. I think we see Larry's hair behind the FX.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "46% of Americans believe Knots Landing was faked." / a plug for kayak.com •••

ACT 2

A beagle, Miss P, won the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. The runner-up, an English sheep dog named Swagger, is available to appear. It goes something like this.

The scrim rises. We see Swagger on a dog-sized podium. (No lectern was provided.)

(Swagger): "Thank you. I just got off the phone with the Best in Show winner, Miss P."

(fake audience boos)

(Swagger): "I congratulated Miss P on her win. She's an outstanding bitch. I want to thank you all for your support and your hard work, and I pledge to continue fighting for the issues that matter to all of us. Thank you, and Dog bless America."

The scrim is lowered.

••• TTL setup: A new Secretary of Defense, Ash Carter, was introduced today. Joe Biden got way too familiar with his wife, Stephanie, putting both hands on her shoulders and whispering to her. It was creepy beyond belief, but Biden isn't self-aware enough to realize that. ••• Top Ten Things Joe Biden Said at This Moment
10. "Let me know when this gets weird."

9. "What is that, Pert Plus®?"

8. "You have the clavicle of a much younger woman."

7. "Have you seen Fifty Shades of Grey?"

6. "Is that the necklace I gave you?" (a shout out to the tubby audience guy with the gaudy medallion)

5. "I haven't heard a word your husband's said."

4. "You look like a young Jeanne Kirkpatrick."

3. "Ever heard of a second 'Second Lady' ?"

2. "I don't have a time machine, but I do have a hot tub."

1. "In the words of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, I'm not '100% sober.' "

•••
Will Smith drops by to plug Focus. IMDB says, "In the midst of veteran con man Nicky's latest scheme, a woman from his past - now an accomplished femme fatale - shows up and throws his plans for a loop." The movie opens on Feb. 27.

Will shakes Dave's hand, then takes the stage to perform his "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It." (accompanied by the CBSO)

On your mark ready set let's go
Dance floor pro I know you know
I go psycho when my new joint hit
Just can't sit
Gotta get jiggy wit it
Ooh that's it
Now honey honey come ride
DKNY all up in my eye
You gotta Prada bag with alotta stuff in it
Give it to your friend let's spin
Everybody lookin' at me
Glancin' the kid
Wishin' they was dancin' a jig
Here with this handsome kid
Ciga-cigar right from Cuba-Cuba I just bite it
It's for the look I don't light it
Illway the an-may on the ance-day oor-flay
Givin' up jiggy make it feel like foreplay
Yo my car-dee-o is Infinit-
Ha ha
Big Willie Style's all in it

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It / What?

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It / What?

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It / What?

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It / What?

(YouTube)

Dave says he can't do what Will just did. Will begs to differ. "Yes, you can! There's a Negro inside of you, Dave!" (Dave): "That's the best news I've had in years!"

The movie is a great escape, keeps you guessing, and Will's co-star, Margot Robbie, is amazing. It was shot in New Orleans, New York and Buenos Aires, which added a certain thingamjig. Now, back to Margot. When you see a picture of her, you're not sure when it might have been taken. Timeless beauty. (me: genetic masterpiece) When Will's wife saw her picture, she said, "You need to go to the gym right now!" (He's almost twice Margot's age.)


Margot Robbie

Focus is about con artists who strike when the victim is focused on something else. Apollo Robbins is an expert on pickpocketing, whose victims list includes Secret Service officers. He has picked someone's pocket over a quarter-million times, by "manipulating awareness."

Now to Dave's usual kids question: Will's 14-year-old daughter, actress Willow Smith, takes 90% of the attention. Will: "It's like 14-year-old girl Independence Day at my house, every week!" Will tells about getting in the doghouse with her when it seemed he had let the cat escape. With her, the world ends an average of three times per week. Dating? Not one-on-one. (YouTube)

Will helped with Paul and the WMDB's album, Coast to Coast (©1989). I've had the CD for 25 years. My favorite on it is probably "Metal Beach." Paul premiered his new single "When the Radio is On" (with Daddy O, Will, a.k.a The Fresh Prince, Jay Segal, Johnny Maestro, Bobby J., Dion Danuci, Elly Greenwich and Carol Kane), on the 7/21/89 Late Night with David Letterman, an NBC program you may remember.

He says, "We have a long history. You don't call me enough." Dave says he'll call Will the next time his neck hurts.

There's a discussion of method acting. Will did that for Six Degrees of Separation, back in '93. He stayed in character for six days, and found he had a strange longing for co-star Stockard Channing after that.

Will has another movie, Concussion, that will come out this year, about the NFL's attempt to deny the effects of head injuries.

Hold everything! Will's not done yet. He's brought a surprise Top Ten: Top Ten Things I'll Miss About Dave (from the home office in West Philadelphia)

10. Our electric sexual chemistry

9. Me having to remind you every time, "Hey man, I'm not Jamie Foxx."

8. The way you sing to me and brush my hair during commercial breaks

7. The fact that you think a 67-year-old man can still pull off Harry Potter glasses

6. How before every appearance you would send Biff Henderson to my dressing room nude, to ask me if I want to meet the little Man in Black. (Biff sticks his tongue out at Will.)

5. The cute way your voice got when you begged me to please refer to you as "DJ Jazzy Dave"

4. Your cologne. Oh no, wait. This is supposed to be a list of things I will miss.

3. How the wind whistles through that cute little gap in your teeth every time you said, "Smith"

2. The way you would tell me you loved my latest movie, but gently shake your head that you didn't

1. How you would take me up to the roof after every appearance, hold my hand looking out over the skyline and say, "OMG, I cannot believe I'm actually gonna be Mrs. David Letterman Smith"

(YouTube)

What a tremendous visit with Mr. Smith! Dave wants him back before the dreaded May 20.

••• During Will's segments, we had a Late Show Staff Selfie: It's John Moran, technical support man, and two other gents. ••• We also had the Act 5 Audience Pan with, "Please, octogenarians, enough about sassafras!" ••• Grizfolk sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Will Smith bumper

2/19/15 [4166]: "From an ancient Roman aqueduct, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"I'm tellin' you, it's really cold. And people... it affects their thinking, because everything's directed by the cold. For example, this morning, I'm gettin' ready to come to work, and... I said, 'Honey, I'm gonna go out and warm up the car,' and she says, 'Why don't you do that with the garage door closed?' "

"But the problem here in New York City, in addition to the cold, is the ice. It's very, very icy. Let me give you an idea how icy it is on the streets of New York City. You know that guy from Fifty Shades of Grey? He put chains on his tires."

It's time for MLB spring training. "CC Sabathia... you know who I'm talkin' about? Yeah. Dropped 25 pounds... his sandwich."

"You know, Derek Jeter has retired. He wanted to spend more time with his money." (Dave calls for a picture of Jeter's place, but gets Osama's dump in Abbottabad.)

The Academy Awards will be seen on Sunday. "Benedict Cumberbatch is nominated for best actor. He will be introduced by John Travolta."

"Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot."

••• NASA has selected finalists to go to Mars. (me): This has nothing to do with NASA. This is a Netherlands project. / announcement video:
(female voice-over): "The Mars One project has selected 100 candidates who will compete to become crew members on a one-way mission to Mars. But that's not the only opportunity we offer. For a nominal fee, we at Mars One will tell your friends and family that you've been chosen to blast off to the red planet, never to return to earth, which means you'll be unable to fly home for the holidays, attend family birthdays, spend hours at school recitals, sit through tedious dinner parties, buy expensive wedding gifts, or help friends move. Mars One: when you just need to get away."
••• Remember yesterday, when Joe Biden got way too familiar with the wife of Ash Carter, the nominee for Secretary of Defense while he was speaking? Carter was not pleased. C-SPAN has details. / video:
We see Carter behind a lectern. While speaking, at the point when Biden has both hands on his wife, Carter does a flat-hand shove, and Biden goes flying. / snow

(graphic): C-SPAN

••• Remember the Bushes? Jeb wants to be president, and plans to end the war in Iraq that W. started. We learn more in "Here We Go Again." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Jeb, at a lectern): "The problem is perhaps best demonstrated by this administration's approach to Iraq. We've had 35 years of experience with Iran... excuse me... Iran."

(George W. Bush, at a lectern): "Iran that is capable of projecting Iranian influence." (swats the top of the lectern) "I mean Iraq!"

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "Always wash your hands after touching your hand with your other hand." / a plug for Twix •••

ACT 2

The 87th Academy Awards will be seen on Sunday. / "Academy Awards Fun Facts"

  • The only Best Picture winner to sweep every category in which it was nominated was The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in 2003.

  • The youngest Academy Award winner in history was Tatum O'Neal, for Paper Moon. (me): Part of that movie was shot in my home county, Doniphan County, Kansas, just next to the Missouri River, around White Cloud. I think they shot other parts out toward Western Kansas, around Hays. (Doniphan, Atchison, Leavenworth and Wyandotte counties are the four counties whose eastern borders (set by the Missouri River) comprise the squiggle you see cut out of the otherwise-rectangular state of Kansas. My little home town of Denton is due west of St. Joseph, Missouri, the western terminal of the Pony Express Trail.)

And that does it for "Academy Awards Fun Facts." Dave now begins a 5½-minute tale of his recent dinner with Paul. He'd mentioned earlier this month that he and Paul had gone out to celebrate 33 years on the air together. Maybe this story comes from that dinner.

Dave tries his best to be a better person, but stuff "just goes crazy on me." Things don't go smoothly for him. Dave and Paul were at a restaurant way, way downtown in New York... maybe in another state, like North Carolina or something. The food was excellent. Dave claims Paul had bone marrow. (What?) Dave says he had oysters, lobster, octopus and a steak. There was a bite of steak he couldn't chew. You can try to swallow it (and have to have the Heimlich Maneuver), or discretely unload the inedible item into a napkin. Dave chose the latter. Throughout this tale, Dave will act it out, step-by-step.

The chunk of meat got away from Dave. He was sure it bounced off his shoe, and would be on the floor. He started trying to find it, including holding a candle under the table. A waiter couldn't find it either. Dave joked to her that a rat must have found it, 'cause the sucker was nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, when Dave uttered "rat," way too many people overhead him say it. All of a sudden, all the customers wanted off the Titanic. (he claims) Later, at home, Dave set out to take off his pants. When he loosened 'em up, he felt the beef item come out of his pants.

(Dave's story)

Dave dispatches Biff to the audience to deliver dinner for two to an audience couple. (Anybody know why Paul played Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Rock" as Biff delivered the certificate?)

•••
Don Cheadle plugs the latest season of House of Lies.

The Academy Awards have been a topic tonight, and 10 years ago, Don was nominated for Hotel Rwanda. They say timing is everything, and guess what. Don was up against Jamie Foxx, who played Ray Charles in Ray. People were telling him outright that he didn't have a prayer to win. At least his friends' votes of no confidence took the pressure off the big event. Well, Wifey wanted to go, regardless, so they got gussied up1 and went. Again, timing is everything, and how about this? Just as Don and Wifey arrived on the red carpet, they got sandwiched between photographers swarming around Cher and Jack Nicholson (whoever they are). There was no way out, and no pleasing the photographers who wanted them out.

1 Gussied up is the term Don used, and one that my mother (who would be 101 years old) used now and then.

Next up is a discussion about golf. I've never been on a golf course in my life, and all those golf terms go right over my head, I'm proud to say. Don talks about playing golf with professional poker player Phil Ivey. Apparently Phil and friends wager some insane amounts on golf games. Because of poker, they're used to the pressure, and can handle it. I've never played poker... never wanted to... so I was on the outside of this discussion, too.

This is exciting: Don is playing Miles Davis in the upcoming movie, Miles Ahead, which will open later this year. Don asks Dave if he wants to buy the movie. Anyway, Don was approached to play Mr. Davis, completely unexpectedly. He can play the trumpet, which of course helped. Paul interjects that Miles once played with the World's Most Dangerous Band. (I checked my logs, and found 12/11/87.) Penn and Teller were guests on the same episode.

Don likes House of Lies, because it only runs three months a year.

••• TTL setup: Major League Baseball spring training is here. As of today, the Kansas City Royals are in Surprise, Arizona for their training. Meanwhile, Boston Red Sox fans are concerned that Pablo Sandoval showed up for spring training a little tubby. (He weighs 245 pounds.) / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your $95 Million Baseball Player ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I just ate some unpasteurized cheese that a friend smuggled into the country and I've never felt more alive." •••
Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson plug Broad City, which they created and star in. IMDB says, "Broad City follows two women throughout their daily lives in New York City, making the smallest and mundane events hysterical and disturbing to watch all at the same time." The ladies take story lines from friends who won't sue them. Rarely have we heard the audience so quiet.
••• Mikki Ekko sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Thanks much to Wahoo Mike McIntee for several details, including the kid scientists' names. It's like the day's episode isn't complete until I've read the Wahoo Gazette. It's usually posted by noon hour, but today I got a special delivery, a day early. I've been having a low fever for over a week, and I need all the help I can get! Worldwide Pants cares!

2/20/15 [4167]: "From a crumbling Victorian mansion, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's audience shout out is to Chad from Albany. We gather that Chad has the gift of gab. Stand by for more.

Kimberly Jong-Un... that debonair bastard... has been clipping away at his eyebrows. A wise guy at Time referred to them as "forehead hyphens." (Dave): "We talk a little bit about Kim Jong-Un, who is the evil dictator of North Korea. He's the son of the former evil dictator, Kim Jong-Un. No, no, I got it wrong. Kim Jong-il. That's right, and then Kim Jong-Un. And now he's shaved his eyebrows, and he's got his hair sticking straight up. And I think, 'Wow! How would you like to have the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga?' Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird."

(me): I decided to make Kimberly a rad-looking unibrow. Then people will fear and worship him. Or not.

(me): The Blues Brothers just came on VH-1. Jake's claiming his black outfit as he leaves the penitentiary, and Elwood just pulled up in the Bluesmobile. It's going to be a long night, because I can't resist this movie. I'll be seeing Tom "Bones" Malone before long, plus The Penguin and a bunch of Illinois Nazis.

It's been an unofficial Impressions Week here on the Late Show. Dave wants to show us a little "venue," a little slice of his life, this coming weekend. (He meant to say vignette, we think.)

Mr. Letterman turns 180° from the audience for his final preparations. We're totally getting play-by-play on this latest impression. "Still me." "Still me." "No mirrors." "No wireless communication." As Reverend Cleophus James leads his congregation in song, Dave turns to face the audience: "Uhh, one senior for Hot Tub Time Machine." The CBSO play him out with that peppy little showbiz number they use.

••• Remember Vanilla Ice? He was taping a TV show and, according to police, he made several visits to a nearby house, gathering up furnishings and bicycles. When caught, Mr. Ice first claimed that he was buying the house. When that didn't float, he claimed he was picking up discarded items. "Vanilla Ice Wordplay Roundup" has various anchors' puns. / video:
(title graphic and dramatic theme music)

We'll see each anchor's wordplay, followed by critics' grades. Here we go.

(anchor 1): "Ice, Ice... burglary?" / GOOD

(anchor 2): "Ice, Ice... busted?" / OK

(anchor 3): "Ice, Ice... arrest." / NO

(title graphic and dramatic theme music)

(me): "Ice, Ice... headed to the cooler for five to 10."

••• Joe Biden got touchy-feely with the wife of new Secretary of Defense Ash Carter earlier this week... rubbing shoulders, whispering, etc. It would have been weird, even if they were married. Let's have another look. / video:
We see Secretary Carter at a lectern bearing the Seal of the Vice-President of the United States: "...U. S. Senate, as well, for their trust and confidence. I've got a lot of thanks to give out here... first and foremost to my perfect wife..."

Carter puts a hand on her shoulder, to challenge Biden's claim on her.

••• The Carter-Biden feud is a monologue piece. Back to Dave from the video, we see him begin to stumble on his next joke.
(Dave): "Todd? Could we....? Todd?"

Todd Seda, holding cue cards, isn't hearing Dave. He's staring into space.

(Dave): "Todd? Excuse me, Todd? Todd, could be just... I... Oh, no. Todd? Alright, let's go to... Oh, no! For the love of God!"

(Cue harp music, as in one of Dave's chin rubs.)

It's a dream sequence. The scene fades into Sec. Carter's remarks. Yikes-a-hooty... this is most unpleasant. Instead of Ma Carter in front of Vice-President Biden, it's Todd, in his favorite plaid shirt, and Joe... that smooth operator... has his hands on Todd's shoulders. Overwhelmed with joy and ecstasy, Todd, with head tilted, gratefully accepts the Vice-President's caresses and whispers. This is going to put all of us off our feed for a couple of weeks. We all hope Todd brought in a nice little bonus for this part.

(Cue harp music. Transition to the present day.)

(Dave): "Todd? Todd?"

(Todd Seda): "Sorry, Dave. Just dreamin' about Uncle Joe."

(Dave, smiling, almost speechless): "Oh, my. Whoa, buddy!"

••• It's another exciting Academy Awards Show on Sunday. / video:
(Oscars clips)

(female voice-over): "This Sunday, Oscar is king! Join all of your favorite celebrities and host Neil Patrick Harris for a telecast produced by Boyhood director, Richard Linklater. It will be a ceremony that spans twelve years!"

(Oscars graphic)

(female voice-over): "The 87th Annual Academy Awards, Sunday at 8 P.M., 'till 2027."

••• When you go see the Hot Tub Time Machine 2, you're going to see a disclaimer. (Uh oh. Rollers. SCMODS. Floor it, Elwood!)
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Hot Tub Time Machine 2 depicts a mission from God malfunctioning hot tub, that takes a group of friends on time-traveling adventures. But the dangers of using heated whirlpools are very real. Hot tubs may contain bacteria, such as Cryptosporidium, Mycobacteria and Pseudomonas aeruginosa, which can lead to skin rashes, ear infections and respiratory illness. Legionella, a germ often found in hot tubs, can cause the flu-like illness Pontiac fever, and the more harmful Legionnaire's disease. Make sure to avoid the most common hot tub accidents, including heat exhaustion, burns and suction-related injuries."

(movie title graphic and voice-over): "And now, enjoy Hot Tub Time Machine 2."

"New Oldsmobiles are out early this year."

••• Jeb Bush seems to be the Republican front runner at the moment. He's hired W.'s entire staff, including the guy who taught W. how to say nucular. Jeb is set, ladies and gentlemen! It's another installment of "Here We Go Again." / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme song)

(Jeb, in an interview): "In fact the guy who's the supreme leader... whatever his title is..."

(Oh, crap! Duck! Carrie Fisher just fired a LAWS Rocket at the Blues Brothers! Here comes another!)

(George W. Bush, at a lectern): "Ramzi al-Shibh, or whatever the guy's name was..."

(title graphic and goofy theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder! Applications to be an Academy Awards home viewer are due by 5 P.M. tomorrow." / a plug for T-Mobile •••

KID SCIENTISTS!

Direct from Naperville, Illinois, it's the latest delegation of Kid Scientists! First on the agenda is sincere thanks to Mr. Lee Marek, who's been coming on for a long, long time. My LNDL logs show Lee's first visit with Dave as 9/28/90, but at first Lee didn't bring kids with him. In fact, at least once he was assisted in his experiments by fabulous babes. Lee followed Dave to CBS, but I don't show his visits billed as "Kid Scientists" until 10/30/97.

Alright! Here we go! It's Tom "Bones" Malone with Murph and the Magic Tones, being recruited by Jake and Elwood.

Now we see a shot of Mr. Marek, over by Felicia Collins, wearing a dark blue Late Night cap. (I have three of 'em.) It looks like Lee is controlling a gas bottle, and he's also wielding a fire extinguisher.

  1. Aidan Liljehorn is an 8th grade dude who's headed to Naperville Central H.S. later this year. Dave admires Aidan's mop of strawberry blonde hair. Is the middle child runnin' the house? "Most of the time." Aidan wants to show us hydrogen fuel. (Have we forgotten that mishap with the Hindenburg, back in 1937?) The advantage to hydrogen as fuel is no CO2 is produced. Each atom of hydrogen has one bond to share with another atom, so hydrogen gas is diatomic.

    Aidan's going to produce H2 bubbles by sticking a hydrogen tube into some soapy water. Dave's going to ignite 'em with an electric cattle prod (kind of a spark plug stick). Hydrogen's lighter than air, and the first couple of bubbles get away from him unscathed. Then he gets the hang of it, and gets a few bubbles to blow. (Let's all pause to reflect on how Lee Marek got that cattle prod (and a spare) past the TSA.)

  2. Maddy Whirledge, 13, is also in the 8th grade at Kennedy Junior High School. She has a large, translucent cylinder that will be the focus of her demo of pH and color change. At first Dave thinks she's saying peach. In the cylinder is a basic liquid, colored purple with something that will show a change in pH by way of color change. Its pH is 10, and 7 to 14 indicates a base. (chart)

    Dave adds dry ice chunks to the liquid. It bubbles and turns green, then orange. Maddy has Dave add "hydroxide," I think, but she later describes it as stomach acid, which is hydrochloric acid, so I don't know. Now we're at yellow. Then Dave adds a base to bring the liquid back to purple. She says it's like Drano®, which is sodium hydroxide, a powerful base. You may know it as lye.

    (me): What's the irony here? Dry ice is frozen CO2. The greenhouse gas, CO2, which Aidan's showing how to avoid is being released as part of Maddy's experiment.

  3. Kate Burritt is in 6th grade at Kennedy Junior High School. She'll be working with gunpowder. Here's the rundown. It contains carbon (charcoal), sulfur and potassium nitrate. Carbon and sulfur are fuel, and the KNO3 is an oxidizer. (It's extra firepower for the kablooey reaction, like race cars using nitrous oxide.) The demonstration has a straight, three-foot row of powder. Kate persuades Dave to light one end of the powder. (He's allowed to scurry away after ignition.) There's a nice, full flame after ignition... about four feet high. (It's still Nielsen Sweeps, you know.)

    I hope I haven't written anything dumb. I have a degree in secondary science education, but I got it 41 years ago, so who knows? This fan thanks Lee Marek for his fun and interesting contributions over the years... and certainly for the valuable education of thousands of kids!

    Here's a nice feature from the Chicago Tribune.

•••
Sean Hayes has a non-standard entrance. He's all bundled up, and comes in from the Broadway doors, through the outer and inner lobby, and past the audience. Then he has quite a tussle getting out of all the layers of clothes upon him.

I counted eight appearances or cameos on the Late Show for Sean, and my logs show some wacky entries and exits that I'd forgotten, including picking up guest Kristin Chenoweth on a golf cart, rushing in from home and jumping from the balcony onto an airbag on 9/30/13.

Sean spent some time in Promises, Promises at the Broadway Theatre, ½ block south at 1681 Broadway. He has exciting tales of stagefright, suffered both at the beginning and end of his Broadway run. Apparently beta blockers with whiskey isn't the best way to deal with the nerves.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "At my front door, I have a smaller mat that welcomes visitors to my actual welcome mat." ••• Top Ten Vanilla Ice Excuses / #6: is an audience shout out to Chad from Albany. ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: Once again, I don't know who the four gents are. ••• Judah and the Lion with "Kickin' Da Leaves" ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Well, I wanted to do a good write-up for the last Kid Scientists, and I got distracted from the Blues Brothers. Cab Calloway's onstage for the big charity concert, Officer John Candy's in the audience with about 100 other members of the Illinois law enforcement community, and Jake and Elwood are waiting offstage. You know the rest! "Use of excessive force in apprehending the Blues Brothers... has been approved."

I got a late start tonight. My Kansas State Wildcats were on ESPN's Big Monday, playing KU in an 8 P.M. start, so I didn't finish watching the last segment until four-something a.m., after an hour's crash. We played at home in Bramlage Coliseum, which is a one-minute walk from my back door. The Cats have had a very lackluster February, and few, if any, gave us a chance vs. #8 KU. We led by a point at halftime, trailed by as much as eight points in the second half, then kept scratching back... regaining the lead for good at 08:01. It's a rivalry that spans 108 years, and KU and K-State, located only 73 miles apart on I-70, hate each other with pure, distilled passion. (game recap)
2/23/15 [4168]: "From a vast heap of smoldering tires, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"The Academy Awards: an annual event that swallows all time and matter."

"Did you see the Academy Awards last night? I thought Meryl Streep did a great job as Neil Patrick Harris."

"George W. Bush declared three wars: on Afghanistan, on Iraq and on the English language."

••• It's the tall, gray-haired gent who plays politicians and hotshots. Again tonight, he's Mayor DeBlasio.
(Dave): "Oh, hey! Look who's here! Hi, could I help you?"

(Bill DeBlasio): "Hello, Dave. I'm New York City mayor William 'Bill' DeBlasio."

(Dave): "That's right... Mayor DeBlasio. Great to have you here. What can we do for you, Mr. Mayor?"

(Bill DeBlasio): "Well, Dave, as you know, the weather here in New York City has been terrible. My office, down at City Hall, has been so cold that earlier today, I turned my back on my space heater!"

(Dave): "That's a good one, Mayor! Oh, buddy! So... anyway..."

(Bill DeBlasio): "Anyway, Dave, to help take everyone's mind off the cold, I've arranged for New York City to have a second boat show!"

(Dave, applauding): "Oh, how about that... a second boat show! Nice goin'!"

(Bill DeBlasio): "So... if you or any of your listeners missed the boat show last month, come on down to the Javits Center this week, and shop around for a new yacht!"

(Dave): "OK!"

(Bill DeBlasio): "Tell 'em Mayor DeBlasio sent you. They'll throw in a free dock line!"

(Dave): "That's great news! That's great news!"

(Bill DeBlasio): "Well, Dave..."

(Dave): "Yeah?"

(Bill DeBlasio): "I'm off to watch the Academy Awards. I DVRd 'em last night, so no spoilers!"

(Dave): "No spoilers. Right."

(Bill DeBlasio): "Come visit New York City! We're number one in exploding manholes!"

(Dave): "There you go... Mayor..."

(CBSO): "New York, New York"

••• "A Word from Bill O'Reilly" / video: "You're a slut!" ••• Here's a campaign ad for Jeb Bush (not yet a candidate for president). / video:
(various scenes)

(voice-over): "He's been hailed as the Republican Party's best hope to win the White House."

(clip of GWB)

(voice-over): "When he was governor,"

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "...Jeb..."

(voice-over): "...Bush improved education, and signed the largest tax cuts in..."

(Mike McIntee): "...Florida..."

(voice-over): "...history, while..."

(Mike McIntee): "...Hillary Clinton..."

(voice-over): "...fought for bigger government."

(Mike McIntee): "Jeb..."

(voice-over): "...Bush, a compassionate, conservative leader."

(Mike McIntee: "I'm Jeb..."

(George W. Bush): "...W. Bush, and I approve this message."

••• "Please Stop Touching Me" / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme song)

(Joe Biden, with hands on Mrs. Ash Carter's shoulders)

(John Travolta, kissing Scarlett Johansson at the Oscars last night)

(Joe Biden again)

(John Travolta, fondling Idina Menzel's chin at the Oscars)

(handlers fondling a beagle... probably Miss P... at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show)

(title graphic and goofy theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Increase Your Word Power": "Vamoose: an undead moose that drinks the blood of other ungulates." / a plug for Kraft® Natural Cheese •••

ACT 2

"Charts and Graphs"

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

How did you watch the Academy Awards?
    18% at home by myself
    16% at an Academy Awards party
    66% on mute

People thanks most often during the Oscar acceptance speeches
    33% family
    27% colleagues and agents
    40% L. Ron Hubbard

What's your favorite Girl Scout cookie?
    16% "Thin Mints"
    29% "Samoas"
    55% "I don't care. Here's twelve bucks. Get out of my office!"

How do you define the word "Blizzard?"
    94% "a severe snowstorm with strong winds"
    6% "a bloated lizard"

Objections to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition
    64% It's sexist and degrading
    32% It really doesn't have anything to do with sports
    4% I prefer looking at swimsuits without people in them.

Show business job positions with the most turnover
    50% co-host of The View
    50% Taylor Swift boyfriend

Did you say something?
    100% No, just clearing my throat

Least appetizing names for a type of food
    11% nuggets
    36% doodles
    53% whiz

What is your greatest regret in life?
    42% worrying too much about trivial things
    37% not pursuing my dream occupation
    21% taking Mom to see Fifty Shades of Grey

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

•••
Helen Mirren plugs her Broadway play, The Audience, in previews at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre, 236 West 45th Street.

Ms. Mirren plays Queen Elizabeth II. (In real life, her mother was British, and her father was a Russian diplomat.) The play is summarized with, "60 Years. 12 Prime Ministers. 1 Queen. For 60 years, Queen Elizabeth II has met with each of her twelve prime ministers in a private weekly meeting, a meeting known as The Audience. The Audience takes theatre goers behind the walls of Buckingham Palace and into the private chambers of Queen Elizabeth II as she meets with each of her prime ministers... Through these private audiences, we see glimpses of the woman behind the crown and witness the moments that shaped a monarch."

Because of the play, Helen watched last night's Academy Awards on television, and she was mesmerized (or perhaps we should say mesmerised, since she's from Britain). She says, "It's just a parade of the beautiful, the mad, the bad, the insane, the gorgeous." She continues, "incredibly moving moments, and then ridiculous moments, embarrassing moments... so it's kind of got all human life there."

She interrupts to complain that Dave's upstaging her with his higher position on his swivel chair. Dave humbly moseys over the guest chair #2 for the remainder of the visit. Helen is delighted, and comments, "They can see your socks now." (Dave): "Who's upstaging who now, Dame Mirren?"

Dave now complains that Helen, who's 5' 4", appears taller than he is. She points out that she's playing the Queen, and she's sitting up straight. She rotates 90° to her right to face Dave, and rests her chin on both hands, like an adoring girlfriend. That doesn't last long.

Dave brings up Selma in relation to last night. "You can't be reminded enough," he says. Helen appreciated the two articulate speeches. Dave points out that we cant take things for granted. We need to be reminded of important events.

Dame Mirren has just completed Woman in Gold, about looted Nazi art, which will open on April 3.

They discuss equal pay in the movie industry. It's hard to get a handle on it, because you're not sure what other people are getting paid. Dave says he just goes around and asks.

Finally, they talk about the Queen's rapport with the prime ministers over the years. One who had a very close relationship with the Queen was Harold Wilson.

As they part, Dave comments to Helen that she's the only one who's ever noticed the upstaging, but that's not correct. For example, when Pamela Anderson was in on 8/02/04, Dave adjusted his chair because the guest chairs seemed lower. On 11/08/10, Harrison Ford (6' 1") complained to Dave about how much higher he was sitting, and Dave brought his chair down a few notches.

••• Top Ten Things Overheard Backstage at the Academy Awards / #9: "Oh great, now Robert Duvall is in his underpants." / #6: "Hi, I'm John; I'm sort of in the entertainment industry" is an audience shout out. ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's three unknown peeps. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I expected women to be more impressed by my Amazon Prime membership." •••
Daytona 500 winner Joey Logano is in. He's the second-youngest to win the race. The CBSO play him on with Ronny & the Daytonas' "G.T.O."

Joey is 24, and he's been driving in NASCAR since he was 18! These days, NASCAR vehicles can top 200 MPH. He's driving with a Ford engine. The engines have a restrictor plate, which limits air flow into the engine. Without it, his engine would produce 850 HP, so he'd have to go to prison without it, right? The plate keeps them fairly equal, and around 200 MPH. Daytona has quite a bank, around 32%, which helps.

Dave learned that Joey and his team worked very hard to discover what actually helps a car go faster. They learned about drafting, and use of his spotters.

Joey's been driving stuff before he was old enough and strong enough to push in on the clutch.

The race got stopped yesterday. Then they had a good restart, and with the lead, he had to drive the whole time looking in his rear view mirror. Dave asks about the rule on contact with another car. In NASCAR, you can contact all you want, so you want a friend behind you. Still, you should crash more than you do. Maybe they can talk in a meeting about upping the crashes.

Dave comes over to guest chair #2 to finish the visit. Up next for Joey: Hotlanta.

••• Steve Earle and The Dukes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/24/15 [4169]: "From the Catskill escarpment, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Did you see the Academy Awards on Sunday night? This Neil Patrick Harris was runnin' around in his underpants, and I'm tellin' you, you've gotta give the guy a lot of credit. Takes a lot of courage to be runnin' around on national television in your underpants. But now people are sayin' that those underpants may have been padded. And I said, 'Well, if they were padded, they weren't padded as much as the show!' "

"Neil Patrick Harris... a tremendous entertainer... a master showman... for his job on the Academy Awards, getting mixed reviews... been getting mixed reviews. And I was..." (Dave, with a happy smile, looks off in the distance at nothing in general, for 13 seconds.) (Paul): "Uh... Dave. Dave? Dave? David?" (Dave): "Huh? What?" (Paul): "Are you alright? What are you doin'?" (Dave): "Oh, I was just wondering what it would be like to get mixed reviews."

(Academy Awards): "How about... for the fifth time in a row, the award for "Best Animated Short" went to Tom Cruise."

"Here's something that will take your mind off the winter. Alex Rodriguez reported for spring training down in Florida for the Yankees, two days early. Alex Rodriguez... he's ready to play ball. Here's his schedule: Tomorrow: urine test. The next day he's suspended for a year."

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a Canadian who's not Paul. ••• (Dave intros a new segment): "First Time Applauding?"
(title graphic and jazzy theme song)

(scene): Academy Awards audience shot of Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman

(red arrow on Nicole, who's clapping with her lower palms, with fingers bent back)

(title graphic and jazzy theme song)

(me): Stop the presses. This isn't the first time for "First Time Applauding?" It premiered on 2/25/13 [3814].

••• Samuel L. Jackson's Kingsman: The Secret Service was very successful. A sequel's in the works. / video:
(action movie music and scenes)

(voice-over): "You think you have what it takes the join the most elite secret service agency in the world? First, you have to convince the boss."

(Larry King): "Orange County, California... Hello."

(Samuel L. Jackson... shocked): "Son of a bitch!"

(movie title graphic): Larry Kingsman

(voice-over): "Larry Kingsman. Coming soon."

••• "Late Show Excuse of the Night" / video:
(title graphic)

(female voice-over): "Canadian legislator Pat Martin ran from the House of Commons, and later apologized, saying that his new underpants were 'too tight.' "

(title graphic)

••• It's Todd Seda's interruption # 2015-0008.
(Todd): "Dave? Excuse me, Dave? Dave? Excuse me, Dave?"

(Dave, to Todd): "I'm sorry. Hang... Give me five minutes. I wanna..."

(Todd): "Excuse me, Dave?"

(Dave): "OK Todd. It's so cold..."

(Todd): "Excuse me, Dave?"

(Dave, exasperated): "What, Todd?"

(Todd, now on camera, wearing insulated gloves): "I'll tell you how cold it is. It's so cold, even the cue cards are frozen!"

(Todd tosses a cue card horizontally toward Dave's monologue mark. It shatters into dozens of pieces, just as if it were a sheet of frosted glass!

(Dave fakes a shard of glass/ice in his eye.)

(Paul): "A painful shard!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, shouldn't it be the 'gloves compartment'? Car companies--call me!" / a plug for AT&T •••

ACT 2 / desk chat:

Dave says he finished high school as a C student. He applied to Indiana University, and was admitted on probation. Then he applied to Ball State, and was admitted with honors. (just jokes) To Ball State he went, and he became their most famous alum. Tonight Dave announces that Ball State's college radio station, WCRD, has been named Indiana College radio station of the year.
••• With Jeb Bush the GOP frontrunner at the moment, it's time to tell jokes about him. Dave summons Joe Grossman, as the CBSO play his theme song, Metallica's "Enter Sandman."
(Dave): "Hey, Joe. How're you doin', buddy. What's new? How's the family? What's goin' on?"

(Joe): "I went to a bucket factory."

(Dave): "A bucket factory?"

(Joe): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Now, you know the assignment. We want some Jeb Bush jokes, because the campaign, like it or not, is already in high gear. Jeb Bush. We don't know much about him. Let's go. You did some research. Jeb Bush jokes. Take it away. Knock us dead."

(Joe, reading from his little notebook): "Jeb Bush is so dumb, he tried to win over Latino voters by saying his middle initial, "W," stood for Juan. Jeb Bush is so dumb, for every bill he passed as president, where it says, 'Sign here,' he wrote Sagittarius. Jeb Bush is so dumb, his wife, Laura, says he once punched a mirror for looking at him funny."

(Dave): "Joe, those are great, and thank you, but I know what you've done there. You've just taken George W. Bush jokes, and made them Jeb Bush jokes. Do you have any actual Jeb Bush jokes?"

(Joe): "Hold on." (Joe calls R.J. Fried to come down.)

(Dave): "Is that the kid from upstairs?"

(Joe): "He's on his way."

(Dave): "Your buddy, R.J., right? What floor is R.J. on?"

(Joe): no answer

(Dave): "What floor... what floor is R.J. on? Joe? Joe? What floor?"

(Joe): "He's on 14."

(Dave): "14."

R.J. eventually shows up. He's gnawing on an apple.

(Dave): "Oh, R.J., nice to see you. So thanks for comin' down, R.J. We're lookin' for some Jeb Bush jokes. Let's hear some."

(R.J.): "I don't have any."

(Dave): "But why did you come down? I thought you were bringin' down some... why did you come down?"

(R.J.): "I wanted to see Joe. Hey, Joe."

(Joe): "Hi, R.J."

(Dave): "OK. Thank you both. Get out."

"Enter Sandman" and the standard wrong exit

••• WCRD bumper •••
Matthew Broderick, Two-time Tony Award winner, is in to plug It's Only a Play, which is at the Bernard Jacobs Theatre 234 West 44th St.

No surprise... Dave starts by asking about Sarrica Jessica Parker, and their three kids. We've not seen Matthew in the building since 10/04/12, when he was helping with a Mitt Romney piece, and plugging another play. Their boy, James, 12, loves soccer, Instagram and eating. The twin girls, Matilda and Tabitha, are five. The kids adore each other, except when they don't. James teaches the girls things like manners. Matthew brings up "black and white" TV fathers. Dave names Robert Young, then Hugh Beaumont (Ward Cleaver), who Matthew doesn't recognize. Really? Matthew's 53 now. Maybe he didn't watch reruns.

Dave asks about sex education, apparently since Harry's 11. The topic hasn't come up. Who in the family briefed Matthew on matters of sex? His friend, Eric. Dave asked Joe about something he said in a gas station bathroom. Joe said they'd talk about it someday. Someday never came. Dave's friend gave him the word one day, and "it was quite a lot to take in, I assure you." YouTube)

Nathan Lane was in the play, then Martin Short took over the part. (Martin was in to plug it on Feb. 5.) Nathan and Martin bring different energy. Matthew dodges the question of who he likes best.

Matthew was called to meet with Warren Beatty. After an hours-long visit, Warren eventually asked Matthew to be in an unnamed movie about Howard Hughes.

At the end of the visit, Matthew sneaks in his parting thoughts about the pleasure of knowing Dave over the years.

(me): Ironically, in a Bank of America commercial just after Matthew's visit, we hear Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen," which was in a classic scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

••• TTL setup: Pat Martin, of Canada's House of Commons, missed a vote because of tight underwear. / Top Ten Bad Excuses for Leaving Work Early / #3 leads to Dave's "Heeere, kitty, kitty, kitty" routine. ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Bill DeLace and crew. The photo looks like it's had the Instagram treatment. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I like the convenience of self-adhesive stamps, but man, sometimes I miss the taste of stamp glue." •••
Ellie Kemper plugs Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, which will be available on March 6 on Netflix. IMDB says, "A woman escapes from a doomsday cult and starts life over again in New York City." Ellie's character was held underground in Indiana for 15 years, until rescued by the FBI. Tina Fey created the series.

This is different. Ellie has brought some potato bread and a toaster. As usual, Dave scares us by getting a hand in the toaster, but he survives. During the interview, Ellie's cooking up two slices of toast. Her friend, Ellen, has a business in Vermont, Burnt Impressions, that sells novelty toasters. You send the company a photo, and they make a custom insert for your toaster that imprints it on your toast. $75 covers the photo preparation, then you buy a dozen toasters (minimum) for $348.00. It's just that simple! (YouTube) We're not quite sure where Ellie's coming from with her @LETTERMAN card.

Paul and Dave each have a sample of their customized toast.

••• JD McPherson sings "Let the Good Times Roll," I think. The phrase was repeated 21 times in the song. I guess they made their point. I wonder how many times Wayne Newton repeated danke schoen. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a toast bumper •••

Finally, there was a fashion show in the Ed Sullivan Theater today, minus the models. A sample of each of the 22 letter jackets Dave's given to his staff was displayed onstage. Worldwide Pants Incorporated gives jackets - not pants - as presents, and @Letterman tweeted an action photo.

2/25/15 [4170]: "From the capital of the Sunbelt, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Here in the Northeast for the last seven or eight months, it's been freezing cold." ... "I like walkin' to work when it's this cold because my face freezes, and I don't need Botox."

"It's so cold in New York City today, the number one movie is Fifty Shades of Grey Flannel."

"Guess who turned 21 today? Justin Bieber. ... And, by the way, if you're thinking of getting something for Justin's birthday, you can't go wrong with bail money."

"CC Sabathia is back, down in spring training. 305 pounds. 305 pounds. Well, look at it this way. You get two players for the price of one!"

••• Alaska is legalizing the weed. Here's a report from CNN:
(clip): a weed emporium

(voice-over): "This week, Alaska became the third state to legalize recreational marijuana. Critics says that since the ban has lifted, productivity has dropped by 85%, as so many Alaskans just stare at the Northern Lights."

(aurora borealis clip and swami sound FX)

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "Steve Annen – CNN."

••• Starbucks is launching a delivery service. / video:
(clip): Starbucks store scenes... lots of store scenes, as it happens...

(female voice-over): "Starbucks is launching a new home delivery service. Simply place an order online, and fresh coffee will be delivered to you from your local Starbucks, or the Starbucks across the street, or the Starbucks down the block, or the other Starbucks down the block, or the Starbucks across the street from the Starbucks down the block, or the Starbucks in your lobby. Starbucks: more than a public restroom."

(graphic): Starbucks logo and slogan

••• Here we go again with a popular segment this month, "Here We Go Again." / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme song)

(Jeb Bush): "Iran's neighbors will want their own nucular capability."

(Late Show "no" buzzer and "NUCULAR" onscreen)

(George W. Bush): "Nucular testing..."

("boing" sound FX and "NUCULAR" onscreen)

(Jeb Bush): "Nucular enrichment..."

("aahoogah" sound FX and "NUCULAR" onscreen)

(George W. Bush): "Nucular arsenals..."

(Monkey? Bird? Some kind of critter sounding off)

(Jeb Bush): "Prevention of nucular weapons..."

(assorted sound FX)

(George W. Bush): "Nucular technology..."

(duck quack?)

(title graphic and goofy theme song)

••• Now back to Dave at his monologue mark, "And the Emmy Award for Sound Effects goes to..." (slide whistle) ••• You know the Downton Abbey show on PBS? An Illinois Congressman decorated his office to look like the Downton Abbey set. Taxpayers paid for his hobby, to the tune of $24,000. Now he's been caught spending the taxpayers' money on a private jet ride, destined for a Katy Perry concert. Here's a report. / video:
(clips): Congressman Aaron Schock

(voice-over): "Representative Schock apologizes if he in any way misused public funds for private travel and concert tickets. In times like these,

you just gotta ignite the light
and let it shine
just own the night
like the 4th of July
cause baby, you're a firework
Aaron Schock.
He'll make 'em go ahh, ahh, ahh
gonna leave 'em in awe, awe, awe."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder! Don't throw away eggshells -- chickens can reuse them!" / a plug for Ford •••

"Small Town News"

(CBSO with the theme song)

  • The Marshfield News-Herald, Marshfield, Wisconsin: "A 75-year-old Friendship man facing a 10th offense drunken driving charge told a deputy he smelled like alcohol because he just eaten beer-battered fish."

  • The Lebanon Reporter, Lebanon, Indiana: BOTCHED HEADLINE: "Indumbent Republican files to run in Lebanon"

  • The Bangor Daily News, Bangor, Maine (Dave: "I don't even know her! Are you kiddin' me? I didn't even kiss her! I didn't even answer the phone! Bang her? I don't even know nothin' about her!"): HEADLINE: "Portland woman develops cologne that makes men more appealing to cows"

  • The Rogers Morning News, Rogers, Arkansas: POLICE BLOTTER: "Tambrie Marlene Crawford was arrested Tuesday in connection with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia. Crawford was being held Wednesday in the Benton County Jail with no bong."

  • The Bradford Era, Bradford, Pennsylvania: PERSONALS: "Looking for a boyfriend for the holidays! Must be able to brush off my car every morning and have a job."

  • The Daily Globe, Ironwood, Michigan: HEADLINE: "Burglar tracked through snow in Ironwood. When the suspect saw the patrol car, he... fled through deep snow, trying to hide beneath a tree. Troopers followed footprints in the snow and arrested the man."

  • The Toledo City Paper, Toledo, Ohio: FUNERAL HOME AD: "If you had no idea what to get her for Valentine's Day, imagine how overwhelming arranging her funeral will be."

  • The Iowa State Daily, Ames, Iowa: RETRACTION: "The article 'Decorate your dorm on the cheap' inaccurately described furniture purchased at Goodwill and Salvation Army stores as being 'complete with that old urine smell.' "

    (CBSO with the theme song)

•••
Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife, a Sunday night offering on CBS. Frank Greene plays her on with a nice trumpet solo.

Dave's unsure whether he's supposed to talk about what obviously was a main topic of the pre-interview: Julianna's hair. At this moment, we're looking at her real hair (which looks very nice), but over six seasons on the show, we've always seen a wig. To be exact, we've seen a series of wigs. The control room shows a capture from the show. Her wig looks great, but it's not cheap. Dave and Julianna play The Price Is Right for a while, arriving at the actual retail price of $10,000. The show's producers wanted her to have straight hair, and the extra hour to straighten her curls every day was expensive, even compared to high-end wigs. Then there's the matter of flashbacks. The show has all of the wigs ever used, so they can just pop one on her noggin, and she's back on the set in a flash. (YouTube)

Dave calls attention to his own wig... the one he's been fussing about this month. The fact is, he has no alfalfas tonight. It's been tamed! (just jokes... It's real, ladies.)

Then there's a whole discussion about a dry bar, where you can get your hair straightened out. Julianna says she's never visited one. The fact is, your hair can't be fixed dry. They still have to get it wet, then they blow it dry just right.

It's time for the kids talk. Julianna reports that her son is seven. It's a sweet age. "He's an old, curmudgeonly, sweet boy. He has this old soul." Dave cautions Julianna that as boys approach 11, "they start to drift on you. Everything's an argument." He adds, "And logic, by the way, is not a word in their vocabulary. Reason does not exist in an 11-year-old's mind." Julianna asks for advice on what to say... how to handle this phase. "My wife handles it," Dave informs her, "because she's a strong American woman!"

••• We ended last week with an update on Kimberly Jong-Un's miniature eyebrows and crazy hair. / Top Ten Things Kim Jong-Un Said to His Barber /

10. "Trim Jong-Un!"
9. "Make it a shape that will deflect enemy radar."
8. "Do a nice job or my wild dogs will eat you." (.mp3 of Kimberly's uncle-dining dogs)
7. "You'll need scissors and a level.
6. "You know, I'm also the King of Prussia." (an audience shout out)
5. "When you have ears like this, you gotta show 'em off."
4. "What do you think, frost my tips?"
3. "Make it look like an accident."
2. "You're sure this is the cut Macklemore gets?"
1. "Gotta look pretty. I'm seeing Rodman tonight."

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Paul Shaffer, Felicia Collins and Jerry Foley. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, a look at fun new ink colors for your seismograph." •••

Chef Eric Ripert joins Dave at the cooking demo tables. He, of course, is the owner of Le Bernadin, the famous French seafood restaurant at 155 West 51st St. (between 6th and 7th Avenues)... practically a neighbor of Dave. Watch Avec Eric on The Cooking Channel on Saturdays, beginning on February 28.

Tonight's delicacy will be Iranian Osetra Caviar Nestled in Linguine with Warm Sea Urchin Sauce1. It's quite a process to get the goodies out of the urchins, and Chef Eric deputizes Dave, who behaves himself (well... mostly) and gets the job done. How do you know if the urchins are fresh? They don't smell bad! The sea urchin parts will go into a butter sauce, and will be added to pasta. (YouTube)

1 menu item shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

There's small talk as the urchins are prepared, and Eric's trip to Australia comes up. 1. Yes, Eric did sample some kangaroo, and 2. of course Dave made his standard funny about it hopping off the plate. (I typed jumping before Dave got to the punchline, and had to edit to hopping.)

Dave asks Eric if he's ever had to Heimlich a guy. "No. I don't know. What is that?" Chef Eric gets a demo, with Paul as the patient. (Here's Dr. Heimlich's demo on Calvert DeForest, 30 years ago. It was one of the first items I put in my Video Archives.)

Dave gives a big thumbs-up to the finished product.

••• desk chat: Dave announces that tonight through Labor Day, tonight's delicacy and unlimited cocktails are only $600 at Le Bernadin. ••• Glass Animals perform "Gooey" from their album, "ZABA." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

On Feb. 23, the Kansas State Wildcats defeated #8 KU on ESPN's Big Monday. It was only our third home court victory against the mythical birds in the last quarter century, and a few hundred students stormed the court. ESPN ran the clip countless times the next day. One student nudged a player a little bit, fueling a controversy. Our outstanding athletics director, John Currie, 2013 National Association of Collegiate Directors of Athletics A.D. of the Year, was interviewed by phone by Dan Patrick today. It was a masterful public relations performance, and I thought Dan did a fine job of interviewing him, and letting him get his message across. (YouTube)

I don't know how the Nielsen numbers came out, but from this fan's point of view, it was a very enjoyable and memorable Sweeps Month (Jan. 29 - Feb. 25). Memorable guests included Jungle Jack Hanna, Dr. Phil, Martin Short, Steve Carell, Chris Elliott, Bill Belichick, Tom Hanks, Will Smith, Dakota Johnson, Lee Marek and the Kid Scientists, Helen Mirren, Matthew Broderick and Julianna Margulies. Todd Seda turned in fun remotes with "Todd Seda at Super Bowl LXIX" and "Todd at the NBA All-Star Game." Rupert Jee sang Grammy-nominated songs, and Brian Williams canceled. Congratulations to Dave and the entire staff for a tremendous month.

2/26/15: REPEAT FROM 2/04/15

2/27/15: REPEAT FROM 2/02/15

3/02/15: REPEAT FROM 2/09/15

3/03/15: REPEAT FROM 2/12/15

3/04/15: REPEAT FROM 1/30/15

3/05/15: REPEAT FROM 2/18/15

3/06/15: REPEAT FROM 2/03/15

3/09/15 [4171]: "From a tiny, uninhabited island in the South Pacific, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

For tonight's audience shout out, Dave, a gifted Broadway thespian, shares something with the home viewers that he performed for the audience in the pre-show Q&A. I'm unable to provide a transcript, however, because it's a mad dog impression, and an instant qualifier for Wahoo Mike's "Odd Dave" collection. It's a canine, for sure... possibly Sully Letterman, gnawing on a carcass (or soon-to-be carcass). There's nonstop growling, to discourage other carnivores who'd like a piece of the action.

"Yesterday, by the way, not only Daylight Savings Time, International Women's Day was yesterday. Yup. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than by giving them a day that's missing an hour?"

"Oh... uh... Apple... the computer people... got the new Apple Watch. The new Apple Watch, right there. Yeah. I'm actually very excited... and I'm on the waiting list... when it comes out, to get the new Apple hearing aid."

Dave looks over at Paul: "Hey! Let's do that joke! (Dave): "I got a new... I got a new hearing aid." (Paul): "Really? What KIND is it?" (Dave, looking at his left wrist): "Let's see... It's about 3:15." (CBSO): circus music or vaudeville music, or whatever they play after something hilarious (Dave): "It's fun having old guys on TV, isn't it?"

"Here's the Apple Watch. Here's what you get. It'll get e-mail, your Apple Watch gets e-mail, you can text on the Apple Watch, has a corkscrew, has a nail clipper, has a toothpick, has scissors, has a saw, has an awl, has tweezers and a compass! And you put it on the floor and stand on it, and it'll tell you how much you weigh."

••• "Daylight Saving Time Announcement" / video:
(outside shot): a big building with a clock near the top / close-up of the clock, or one of its cousins

(voice-over): "Don't forget, America. It's Daylight Saving Time."

(animation): the hour hand on an office clock hops from 2 A.M. to 3 A.M.

(voice-over continues): "Time to check the batteries in your smoke detector,..."

(stock photo): smiling couple watching a quality CBS program

(voice-over continues): "...and time to set your television one channel higher."

(cut to Dave at his mark): "What? What? What?"

(TV picture): snow

(new channel): a Mexican sitcom, I'm guessing

(voice-over): "Enjoy your extra hour, America!"

••• "Senator Chuck Schumer's Word of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Senator Chuck on Face the Nation, probably talking about Hillary's scandal): "I think that at the end of the day, people will... this will probably be regarded as a slight hiccup."

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(onscreen text): HICCUP in white / turns to HICCUP in red

Why all the fuss? Chuck pronounced hiccup as though saying teacup with an H.

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Hillary Clinton's in a big scandal about her State Department e-mails. 55,000 of 'em have been released. How about a progress report? / video:
(live from Hillary Campaign HQ): We see and hear a 1980s dot matrix printer, hard at work.

(onscreen text): "PRINTING PAGE 1 OF 55,000"

(Dave): "If you want to contact Hillary, it's hillary@pantsuit.com.

(update): "PRINTING PAGE 6 OF 55,000"

••• Dave's commenting on increased accidents because of "Daylight Savings Time." / interruption:
(audience tough guy #1): "Excuse me, Dave. Mr. Letterman? Excuse me. Mr. Letterman?"

(Dave): "Yes. Oh, hi!"

(audience tough guy #1): "How're you doin'? I just wanted to point out..."

(Dave): "What's your name, sir?"

(audience tough guy #1): "My name's Bob."

(Dave): "Hi, Bob. Good to have you here."

(audience tough guy #1): "I just wanted to point out, it's Daylight Saving Time... not Daylight Savings Time."

(Dave): "Oh, have I been saying 'Daylight Savings'?"

(audience tough guy #1): "Yes. It's a common mistake, but I figured you wanted to get it right."

(Dave): "I appreciate that. Daylight Saving Time."

(audience tough guy #1): "Yes, sir."

(Dave): "So, because we are..."

(audience tough guy #2): "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!"

(Dave): "Now, wait a minute."

(audience tough guy #2): "This guy's correction is WAY off!"

(Dave, pointing): "I'm sorry. Who are you?"

(audience tough guy #2): "I'm sorry. I'm Dean."

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(audience tough guy #2): "I'm Dean."

(Dave): "Dean?"

(audience tough guy #2): "Yeah. No, I'm quite certain it's savings."

(Dave): "You think it's savings?"

(audience tough guy #2): "Definitely."

(Dave): "You say it's saving?"

Now the tough guys start hollering across the aisle at each other. Oh, dear. Now they're interrupting, and closing in on each other. Watch out! They're pointing at each other. It's a round of bare-knuckle boxing as they fight their way out of the back of the theater.

We don't know who wins. Why can't these matters be settled in a court of law? Oh, and by the way, where was DeLace?

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Might Be True": "You'll improve your hearing if you drill extra holes in the sides of your head." / a plug for Chrysler •••

ACT 2

  • Dave gives the floor to Paul, who wants to pay his respects to trumpet virtuoso Lew Soloff, who passed away over the weekend at 71. Paul says he was one of his dearest friends. Lew sat in with the CBSO a few times over the years, and subbed for the great Al Chez. Lew joined Blood, Sweat & Tears early on, and had a wonderful trumpet solo in "Spinning Wheel." (me): That song came out when I was in junior college, and it was played countless times on the juke box in the student union cafeteria. I loved Blood, Sweat & Tears, and that song, plus "And When I Die," were among the first songs I put on iTunes. Will Lee and Frank Greene will solo with the CBSO on "Spinning Wheel" into the next commercial break.

  • Dave reminds us that he and Paul will be leaving show business shortly, and he has sort of a long story about his weekend. Dave and Regina went in a store to buy some stuff, and something needed to be gift wrapped, apparently, so there was some delay and small talk with an employee during the wait. Now, Paul and Dave have been in show bidness for 33 years. The clueless lady in the store asked Dave, "Are you visiting in New York?"
•••
Kevin Spacey, who's been on the Late Show about 30 times, plugs House of Cards, an entire series that is being produced and released all at once by Netflix. This is Kevin's third time on to plug this offering, as he dropped by in 2013 and 2014, as well, but I'm always glad to see him. He'll get 16 minutes tonight. Oh... very cool: The CBSO play Kevin on with "Our House" by Crosby, Stills & Nash. I used to listen to them all the time, back in the early 70s... especially "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes." (07:28)

Kevin begins by asking Dave about Twitter and Netflix. As we've seen on color TV, Dave is hopeless with Twitter, but he loves Netflix, and apparently watches it all the time. He's a binger, 'cause it's effortless to use. You have to pay for Netflix, though, or you're ripping off Kevin. By the way, Kevin refers to House of Cards as a 13-hour film. He says we're getting farther away from appointment viewing. (Dave): "As I've said before, there is appointment viewing, and then what we have here, which is disappointment."

Dave asks Kevin for his Jack Lemmon impression. Afterward, Kevin says that Jack was a mentor for him since he was 13.

Kevin has the Kevin Spacey Foundation, to work with emerging acting and directing talent. Of all places, he has focused on the Middle East: The UAE, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Dubai, Turkey, Yemen, Palestine, etc... 12 countries in total. There are some big-time opportunites. Some of the young people have never traveled... never been on an airplane.

Currently Kevin's doing a one-man show, Clarence Darrow, in The Old Vic in London.

If that weren't enough, Kevin's filming Elvis & Nixon, due out later this year. It seems that back in the 70s, Elvis Presley started worrying about the state of America. He traveled to D.C. in hopes of an audience with Richard Nixon. On the flight there, he wrote a six-page letter to the POTUS. But... the most famous American couldn't get to Nixon. The White House guards thought he was an Elvis impersonator at first. Then Tricky Dick refused to see him. H. R. "Bob" Haldeman was no help, either, until Julie found out, and wanted his autograph. Elvis wanted to speak to Nixon to volunteer as an undercover officer, to fight all the wrongs of the country by infiltrating subversive groups.

Kevin closes with another fine Johnny Carson impression. (YouTube)

••• Here's a new bumper: "Steve Young's Backstage Oddities." I don't have HD playback, but what I see looks like a freezer compartment that contains the much-sought-after Late Show Ventriloquist Dummy Kit®, just next to a deceased chicken and some frozen meals. Mark my words: that dummy kit is going to be the Explod-O-Pop® of 2015. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Handel's 'Water Music' is probably my favorite classical work about a liquid." •••

Lily James, a.k.a. Lily Chloe Ninette Thomson, is in for her first visit, plugging Cinderella, which opens on March 13. She is so beautiful! For the record, the CBSO play Lily on with Wilson Pickett's "In the Midnight Hour." It took me a few seconds, then I recalled that Cinderella has a curfew that's known worldwide.

Lily has a role in Downton Abbey as well. There isn't much time for her after Kevin's two segments, but she seems very fun and sweet, and did I mention that her face is perfect? (YouTube)

She got the Cinderella part by accident, as she was auditioning for another part. When they gave her a try, she hadn't had time to get nervous, and she nailed it!

Look at Lily's cute @LETTERMAN card.

••• Alabama Shakes sing a number from "Sound & Color." Alan says we're supposed to buy their album at itunes.com/alabamashakes. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/10/15 [4172]: "From the service plaza on the New Jersey Turnpike, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Tim Tebow is comin' back to the NFL. I'm tellin' you, this guy has been on the bench more than Judge Judy!"

"Do me a favor right now. Take a second. Look under your seats and see if you find any Hillary Clinton e-mails. Then pass 'em over to the page."

"You know, she... there's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State, she was usin' her own e-mail deal instead of the State Department, and I thought, 'Finally! A Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy!"

Secretary of State John Kerry isn't making the personal e-mail mistake that has Hillary in so much trouble. / C-SPAN3 video: We see Mr. Secretary in a budget hearing, holding a microphone of what seems to be a Citizen's Band radio.

"And Google... listen to this... talkin' about Google... they are workin' on a way to extend life to 500 years. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? Think about it: 500 Thanksgiving dinners with your family. Barbara Walters said, 'Five hundred years? I'm halfway there!' "

••• GOP Senators were steamed about the Clinton e-mail scandal, but eventually went back to writing their open letter to Iran. / The letter's finished, and we see a photo of it. The control room zooms in on the last paragraph: "You MUST send this to five other rogue states in the next 24 hours or you'll have bad luck for a year!" That'll teach 'em. ••• Today would have been Osama bin Laden's 58th birthday, but he kicked the bucket in 2011. Dave remembers the surprise party that SEAL Team Six threw for him. (audience goes nuts) Dave amuses us by pretending SEAL Team Six announced themselves as a Domino's guy. Dave wants to check in on Osama's compound. Not quite. The wise guys in the control room brought up something else.


No... that's Jeter's place!

Then we see the late Osama's dump, festively decorated for the birthday with four colorful helium balloons. •••

Hold on. Dave's distracted by something. He's found an anti-shoplifting tag near the bottom of his sport coat. Audience members giggle. Dave summons Sue Hum from her command post backstage.

(Dave): "Hi, Sue. This is Sue Hum, our costume designer, ladies and gentlemen. I was horsin' around out here, Sue, and I found this, and I have no idea what this is. Can you tell me what to do about that? What is that? What's this... goin' on there?

(Sue, proudly, and with a big smile): "I yoinked it!"

(Dave, leaning toward her): "I'm sorry?"

(Sue): "Yoinked!"

(Dave): "You yoinked it? What does yoink mean?"

(Sue): "You know... pinched... kicked... boosted... cabbaged... double-dipped... the old dine-and-dash. Capeesh?"

(long pause... Dave smiling, Paul laughing, audience applauding and laughing at Sue's misdemeanor)

(Dave): "The old dine-and-dash capeesh! So... what you're telling me is you stole this jacket?"

(Sue, smiling): "Oh, Dave... you're so naive! Just tell the jokes, and leave the business to me."

(Dave, as Sue turns to leave): "OK. OK... can you just... Can you take that with you? Get if off. OK. Alright. That's fine."

(Paul, helpfully): "You need a special tool."

(Dave): "I'm the special tool."

(video)

••• Snapchat is now worth $19,000,000,000! / video:
(photos): handheld devices

(voice-over): "After a recent evaluation, Snapchat is now considered by analysts to be worth nearly $19 billion, making it one of the most valuable companies in Silicon Valley, alongside Facebook, Google, Blingo, Trunnel, Re-Mop, Sips Direct, Roofmate, Puttons, Clamapedia, Soup Cute, Celeste!, Lumbr and Wrinkle Time. William Ziffel, CNN."

••• Dave cues the CBSO, then does bird calls with his hands. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Substitute Swear Words Geologists Use Around Children": "Schist!" / a plug for Progressive® •••

After the TTL montage, Dave announces a spayshul surprise. We are all to remain in the stadium until the spayshul surprise has been revealed. ••• TTL setup: This is true: Hillary Clinton added a fairly inaccessible news conference after another conference at the United Nations today. She sort of addressed her State Department e-mail scandal. / Top Ten Surprises at the Hillary Clinton Press Conference / #10: Entered the building whistling "Hail to the Chief." / #6 is an audience shout out: Halfway through the proceedings, sent a colleague out to buy melons. / #4: Blamed the whole thing on North Korean hackers •••

ACT 2 SPAYSHUL SURPRISE:

The audience shout out lady must have requested to have some stuff tossed off the roof. @BillScheft is on the roof of the Ed, holding two cantaloupes. (He tweeted tonight that Pat Farmer's recovering from an operation on his elbow.) We see the remains of the Roseland Ballroom across the street. Dave wisecracks that it looks like Noah's Ark, and Bill laughs his ass off. We're guessing that Bill wrote that joke.

Monica, an audience lady from St. Louis, asks for individual release of the melons. Bill says, "Let's turn over all the cards," and he dumps a honeydew melon... and another. There may have been three. A replay makes that unclear.

Dave calls for slo-mo replays and reverse shots. (YouTube)

•••
Patricia Arquette, the recent Academy Award winner for Boyhood, is in to plug CSI: Cyber, which began its run on CBS on March 4.

Dave begins by congratulating Patricia on her Oscar, her Oscars speech and her new TV show. And how about working on Boyhood, spanning 12 years?

For those like me who mostly skipped the Oscars this year, Patricia used much of her time at the Academy Awards lectern to address the issue of inequality in pay for women in America. She's very serious about this, and is prepared tonight with numerous statistics to support her concern: 40% of families are headed by females. 42 million women and 24 million children are close to poverty. For Latino women, pay is 55¢ to a dollar for men. It's 56¢ for an African-American woman. There's been some progress toward equality, but at the current rate, the field won't be level until 2058. She recognizes that different jobs pay different salaries, but she's talking about unequal pay for doing the same job. Patricia is happy to announce that some women have approached her this month to say that since the Oscars, they've gotten raises. I knew nothing about her quest until tonight, but was impressed by her passion, that she is reasonable, and she has facts and figures to support her points.

Be sure to watch Patricia on CSI: Cyber!

•••
Keith Olbermann is in to plug ESPN2's Olbermann. (You know... during the Grammys I concluded that Sam Smith has a larger head than Keith. What do you think?)

Dave begins by asking about the recent Twitter kerfluffle he was involved with... one that earned him a suspension from ESPN for two shows. Whether you agree with their conclusions or not, slate.com has the actual tweets involved in a huge argument with Penn State students. Keith has a lengthy explanation of what happened. He says,

"I got into a dispute with some folks on Twitter, and it got personal because on Twitter, you don't think of anyone else as an actual human being, just as something... somebody else you have to bury, or they're gonna bury you. And you subtract yourself from the human race, and just start goin' after people. And you can do really stupid things, and I retweeted something that was about my charitable cause. Somebody sent me something, and I assumed it was negative. I didn't read... it was a link to a web site. I just went back at somebody, and they weren't even throwing punches. So I ended up sending out what read as a tweet that was somehow opposed to pediatric cancer research. This... I have... to St. Jude's and to Make a Wish, in the last six years, I've made, like, 200 donations. These are my causes, so my horror at this, when folks at ESPN said, 'Tell you what. Just stay home a couple days. Let's let this cool down,' I went 'Thank you.' "
Keith's concluded that Twitter is the first sign that society is disintegrating. He says, "The key is, don't read any tweet that has your own name in it." Not only do you not get into any fights with anybody, you then have 1½ to 3 hours a day for new projects! As a matter of fact, Keith has recently discovered that he has two dogs, rather than one. (YouTube)

The dispute goes back to a commentary that Keith did about Penn State and the Sandusky thing. He believes that it's still too soon to be deciding how many Penn State Football wins should be vacated. Let the wounds heal first.

Brian Williams is the next subject. Keith says he's "very symathetic to Brian," and explains that he knows no one who is more hurt or embarrassed by a mistake in a broadcast. He says we should not forget that it's undisputed that Brian was in a helicopter in a war zone. (YouTube)

During Keith's segment is the Act 5 Audience Pan: "Cat-like reflexes? Well, I run into the kitchen when I hear the can opener."

Coming out of the commercial break, we see the Late Show helicopter airborne over a city. Nice work by the graphics department!

Now back to Keith. Dave turns to the topic of baseball, and states that a game should be completed in 02:15. Keith has a story from Red Sox spring training years ago, and how much shorter an MLB baseball game seemed when he was allowed by manager Terry Francona to sit in the Red Sox dugout three times. One time, Terry got Keith to call David Ortiz, who was without a hit in spring training, a lady's name. Keith, quite nervous, managed to do so, and got a funny look from Ortiz, who then marched himself out to home plate and got himself a double! Terry Francona came up to Keith and said, "See? That's managing!"

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Pete Fatovich and Biff Henderson with another gent, who looks like Les Moonves. ••• Will Butler sings "Take My Side." It's cool. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/11/15 [4173]: "From a mysterious ancient circle of massive stones, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Listen to this. Anybody here from Utah? Really? The horn section! I'll be darned! Utah! All the way from Moab. Now, in Utah, what they have is the... you get the death sentence. They have the firing squad. They get the firing squad now, in Utah. In Russia they call that early retirement. And, because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded, but no cigarette."

Dave wouldn't give Hillary Clinton's troubles to a monkey on a rock. She's supposed to release 55,000 e-mails. In their favor is that they can pick out the ones from Speaker John Boehner. The typeface is orange. She didn't have government-secured e-mail because she didn't want to use two devices. Well... Governor Christie uses two devices: a knife and a fork. Dave: "Some nights it's like shootin' fish in a barrel."

••• Tonight's audience shout out is an inside joke about a lady named Babs. She'll be back later. ••• Google's telling us they're going to help people live to be 500 some day. Here's an update. / video:
(photo): Google HQ

(voice-over): "Here at Google, we're putting billions of dollars into medical research, seeking cures for countless diseases, and even trying to expand the human lifespan to 500 years."

(photo): Apple logo

(voice-over): "Our competitors make a watch."

(photos): Apple Watch, then the Google logo

(voice-over): "Google. Good luck getting Wi-Fi in your caskets."

••• Republicans are steamed about Obama trying to make a nuclear deal with Iran, so some Senators wrote a letter. Watch out, because if this doesn't work, they're sending Seth Rogen and James Franco. The show's acquired a copy of the letter from Ayatollah Kameini. (Whatever happened to Ahmadinejad?)
March 11, 2015

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in the Islamic Republic of Iran. At this there are no mullah positions open. However, we will keep your resume on file.

Thanks again and Death to America!

Sincerely,
Ayatollah Kameini

••• All the ladies are caught up in another season of The Bachelor. Dave announces the finale is coming on Monday. Nancy Agostini gets Dave straightened out. It has been on, which is why we're about to watch "The Bachelor Finale Wrap Up." / video:
(title graphic and theme song)

(numerous scenes): the bachelor and candidates to be his sweetie, with dramatic sighs

(title graphic and theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder! From 3 to 5 A.M., due to routine maintenance work on the earth, there will be no gravity." / a plug for the Discover It® card •••

ACT 2

"New Magazines" (These are really funny. Read closely, as sample stories are introduced.)

  • We begin with the peppy theme song (.mp3)

  • Rental Car and Driver:
    "Amazing Glove Compartment Finds"

  • Em@il Server Hobbyist:
    cover photo / Hobbyist of the Month: Hillary Rodham Clinton
    "Decorating Your Data Center"

  • People You Don't Know at Work:
    "He Seems to Know You"
    "He's Either Kevin or Kirk"
    "Is She Maybe in Accounting?"
    Read more on their web site: PYDKAW.COM.

  • Monthly Quarterly:
    "The Months of the Year Rated"
    "100 Ways to Reuse Old Calendar Pages"
    "May's Dark Secret"

  • Martha Stewart Livid:
    Uh oh. Who's in charge of sending the fig tree? We see an angry Martha in the cover photo. Dave looks over at Nancy Agostini. "Is this actually... is this actually a photograph of Martha?" (Nancy nods "yes.") "This is... we didn't just put a blonde wig on Charles Bronson?" (Nancy shakes her head "no.") Now Paul gets in on this. He has a finger on his earphone. "No, they did. Actually, we have word. They did. They put a blonde wig on Charles Bronson, yes."
    "You Call That a Napkin Holder?"
    "Why Baking Angry Yields Better Results"
    "Who Left the Givling Butter Out Overnight?"
    "18 Cupcake Mistakes That Drive Martha Up a Wall"

  • Smug Vegan:
    "Convincing Yourself Kale Tastes Great"
    "Great Restaurants for Dining Alone"
    "Living a Longer Joyless Life"

  • Shat Fancy:
    William Shatner's on the cover... get it?
    "Memories of Ricardo Montalban" (for Star Trek II fans)
    "Prime Directives About Your 401K"
    "New Enterprising Business Opportunities"
    "Boldly Go: William's Favorite Vacation Destinations"

  • peppy theme song (.mp3)

  • I couldn't remember if we'd ever seen this segment, so I brought up the master file: 8/07/95, 2/20/96, 11/13/96, 4/30/97, 4/30/97, 9/01/98, 4/25/01, 1/18/05. We hadn't seen this in 10 years.

  • (YouTube)
•••
Kelsey Grammer plugs his Broadway play, Finding Neverland, at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre, 205 West 46th Street. Previews begin on March 15.

Mr. Grammer just rolled in from the theater, where he didn't remember a scene. It's complex. New York theater-goers love to go to previews, to catch the inevitable accidents... for example, the tragic harpoon accident the other day.

Finding Neverland is about the creation of Peter Pan. Dave remembers Mary Martin (J. R. Ewing's mommy) as Peter Pan, back in the black-and-white days, when you could see the wires. Dave compliments Kelsey, whose career started and never quit. He was Frasier for 20 years!

Dave also compliments Kelsey on his production of offspring. He has six of them. Gabriel is 7 months old. His daughter, Faith, is 2½, and had to relinquish her standing as Center of the Universe last July. Jerry cuts to the green room, where we see Kayte holding the impossibly-cute Gabriel. Meanwhile, Faith is succeeding in hiding from the camera with her face planted on a table top. Whoops! We got a peek when she let her guard down. (Paul plays a lullaby, since she's using the table top as her pillow.)

Kelsey plays King Herod in the TV movie, Killing Jesus, due at the end of this month. It's adapted from O'Reilly's book. (It's OK for Kelsey to be in O'Reilly's movie, since he's a Republican.) The movie was shot in Morocco.

We close with a bumper of Kayte and the kids.

••• TTL setup: Ringling Brothers has announced that beginning in 2018, they'll no longer have elephants in their circuses. There will be mechanical ones. / Top Ten Other Changes at the Circus
10. Maximum clown blood alcohol: 0.08%
9. Performers must use a circus-approved e-mail address
8. Bearded ladies allowed to marry one another
7. More difficult "looserope walking"
6. Free admission for women named "Babs" (an audience shout out)
5. hot dogs now made from circus animals that died of natural cuases
4. Your choice of balloon: helium or highly flammable hydrogen
3. The Sitting Wallendas
2. Senator Tom Cotton juggles loyalty to president and the Iranian mullahs
1. Immediate ejection if you're caught Ringling your Barnum
••• "Steve Young Backstage Oddities" bumper: (a pile of videotapes): 1. Wacky Dave Clips 2. monkey footage 3. Odd Dave ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "No wonder teens take up smoking, with all the glamourous depictions of smoker's toothpaste!" •••
This is exciting! Stevie Wonder (Stevland Hardaway Morris) is in... the winner of 25 Grammy Awards, an Oscar and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Digging in the master episode log file, I found that Stevie had sat down with Dave after a musical performance almost 20 years ago, on 3/22/95. During a commercial break, I went in the other room and dug out my two-album LP, "Songs in the Key of Life," ©1976. One cool thing is the album came with a 24-page lyrics booklet, about the same dimensions as the records. I read along later as Stevie, in his second segment, sang "I Wish."

I got ahead of myself there. Dave asks about his children. He has a daughter, 3 months, and a two-year-old, among others. We're not sure if he's close to the finish line. I see that Stevie is also 64, the same age as Don Giller and me. (Well, to be exact, Don Giller is 64 while I'm writing this, but he was 63 when this episode aired tonight.)

Stevie joined Motown when he was 12, and his song, "Fingertips," came out when he was 13. Dave remembers it well. I don't. I was only nine when it was released. Stevie sings it for us.

He's come with material: the Top Ten Greatest Advantages of Being Blind. We hear a few of them, anyway.

Since November, Stevie's been touring with "Songs in the Key of Life." The tour ends in April.

••• Out of commercial, Alan recommends iTunes.com/StevieWonder. ••• Stevie Wonder sings "I Wish," accompanied by the CBSO. He's still gettin' it done! (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/12/15 [4174]: "From the fossil-rich Black Hills of South Dakota, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's audience shout out is from David Letterman Bieglingmeier IV. Who knows what happened in the Q&A.

"What I was talkin' about was a couple of these guys crashed... last weekend... crashed a Secret Service car into the White House, and they had been drinking when it happened. Fortunately, the hookers were not injured."

"Hey! Celebrity birthday, ladies and gentlemen. Today, Mitt Romney... 68 years old. How about that? Mitt Romney! I don't know. It's kind of sad. Sixty-eight-year-old guy... no job... no future, and... oh, no. Wait a minute. That's me."

••• [A jury has awarded $7.3 million to the estate of Marvin Gaye upon a determination of copyright infringement. The defendants were Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams. Here's some background on the story, with commentary by Brian Wilson's collaborator, Van Dyke Parks.] / "CNN" video:
(photos): courtroom artist's drawing, Marvin Gaye

(voice-over): "A jury awarded the estate of Marvin Gaye $7.4 million after finding that Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams infringed on the copyright of Gaye's 'Got to Give It Up,' with their song, 'Blurred Lines'."

(photo): Pharrell, wearing his ridiculous hat

(voice-over): "It was the second setback in recent weeks for Williams, who was also sued by the estate of Dan "Hoss" Blocker over similarites between their hats."

(me): That was a good one! (It's sad that Dan only lived to be 43, by the way.)

(graphic and music): CNN logo and the theme from Bonanza

(voice-over): "Al Beano1, CNN."

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• Here's an important announcement about Dunkin' Donuts. / video:
(clip): sprinkles being dropped on a glazed cake donut

(voice-over): "Dunkin' Donuts is removing a toxic whitening agent known as titanium dioxide from our powdered sugar donuts, effective immediately."

(clips): lots of other colorful donuts

(voice-over): "We would also like to remind consumers that our donuts are for decorative purposes only."

(cut to a new clip): A man at home is seen nailing the 13th of a set of donuts to his wall, then he stands back to admire his creation.

(voice-over): "A message from Dunkin' Donuts. Reminder: December 25th is Christmas."

••• interruption: Joe Grossman and R.J. Fried stroll onstage, accompanied by two extremely beautiful females. They approach Dave at his mark.
(Dave): "Hey! Hi. How are you? Oh, my gosh! I don't know if you're just joining us, but perhaps you've seen 'em before. These are a couple of our writers. This is Joe, and that's R.J., and they're writers. Hi! Hi, guys. Nice to see you. And who are your friends there?"

(R.J.): "Uhh, I'm R.J. I work upstairs."

(Dave): "Yeah. I... right. OK."

(Joe): "Our wives wanted to meet you."

(Dave): "Oh, these are your wives! Oh, that's very nice! Hi, I'm Dave. What's your name?"

(Joe's wife, Jordan): "Hi, I'm Jordan."

(Dave, shaking hands): "Jordan, and you're?"

(R.J.'s wife, Ashley): "Hi. Ashley."

(Dave): "Ashley, nice to see you. Jordan and Ashley. That's great! Nice to meet everybody, really."

(hilarious 23-second awkward silence)

(Jordan): "Joe, I'm bored!"

(R.J.): "I think we're gonna head back upstairs?"

(Dave): "OK, great, R.J. Thank you. Jordan... Ashley, nice meeting both of you. Thanks, Joe. Nice to have you... No! No! No! Hey, Joe!"

(Yes, you guessed it. The couples exit the stage the wrong way, as the CBSO play Joe's theme song, Metallica's "Enter Sandman.")

(Dave, to Paul): "Is it Bring Your Wife to Work Day?"

(Paul): "Apparently so!"

(me): Jordan is so beautiful, as is Joe's real wife, Caren!

(video)

••• Game of Thrones is crazy popular. There's a new season. How about a preview? / video:
(clips of the characters, with dramatic trailer music)

(Daenerys Targaryen's voice): "This one's on top. Then that one's on top. They're all just spokes on the wheel."

(battle scenes)

(Daenerys Targaryen): "Lannister. Baratheon. Jefferson."

(opening montage from The Jeffersons)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: The buffalo used every part of the buffalo." / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2

"Charts and Graphs"

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

How do you think Justin Bieber spent his 21st birthday?
    22% drunk
    25% shirtless
    53% drunk and shirtless

Which kind of foam pillow do you have?
    68% memory foam
    32% repressed memory foam

Astrophysicist opinions about the noise the Big Bang made
    51% boing
    46% wet plop
    3% ah-oo-ga horn

Where do you prefer to sleep in a bunk bed?
    49% the top bunk
    49% the bottom bunk
    2% slumped against the ladder

Biggest complaint about parties
    11% too many people
    21% bad music
    68% can't keep up with Secret Service agents

How do you feel about laptop computers?
    35% I love them.
    34% I hate them.
    31% I like anything warm on my lap.

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

Big thanks to the nice people at Quinnipiac University for all the vital information!

•••
The creator, director, writer and star of Girls, Lena Dunham her own self, is here to plug the aforementioned HBO offering. Its fourth season finale will be seen on March 22.

Dave's been briefed that Lena possesses no middle name. (Big deal. I've got no middle name, either. I'm David D, without a period. I was named for my great grandfather, David D., and my parents probably didn't know his middle name.) Lena was going to be named Lena Simmons Dunham, until a light bulb went off and Mom and Dad realized their kid was going to be LSD. Feeling shorted as a girl, Lena claimed her name was Lena Lucky Fred Ned Cookie Milky Simmons Dunham. Dave announces that her middle name will henceforth be Marie. Done! CBS Cares! (YouTube)

Much of tonight's visit is focused on Lena's physical conditioning program, the Tracy Anderson method, AcroYoga, which apparently is a cousin of pilates, whatever that is. It consists of small movements that look easy, but are tortuous. Apparently she works on Gwyneth Paltrow, too. Now, anyone's who seen Shakespeare in Love knows that Gwyneth has never needed any help. Lena's parents are about 65, and they've long been amazingly fit. We see a picture (that's all over the Internet) of Lena in a crazy position over her trainer, Wakka1. Dave said he used to run a lot, which we knew, but as a result his joints are "crippled and mangled."

Lena Marie says they're about to start on season five of Girls. Oh, and she says, "I love you."

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette, as I couldn't decide last night if it was Wakka, Wacka, something Spanish like Juaca, or what, and the Internet was no help whatsover

••• Dave shows an iPhone selfie of him and Harry that he took yesterday. Hey! Harry's got his permanent teeth now, and he doesn't have a gap! ••• TTL setup: The Apple Watch can do everything. It's coming out in April, and it's already been counterfeited. / Top Ten Signs Your Apple Watch Is a Fake / #10: Takes two D batteries / #7: Powered by a crank (Dave): "I wanna tell you somethin', ladies and gentlemen. This whole damn show is powered by a crank!" ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: three females I can't name ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the amazing story of a man named Chet who looked so much like a Rick that he legally changed his name!" ••• Out of commercials: Dave loves the helicopter shot of the Statue of Liberty. ••• Dave shows a picture of Sully and Dutch. (If you don't know who Sully is, why are you reading this?) •••
Bobby Cannavale is in to plug his new movie, Danny Collins, set to open on March 29. IMDB says the movie is inspired by a true story, with Al Pacino as an aging rocker who's been living hard. Then his manager finds a 40-year-old letter written to him by John Lennon, and Danny sets out to rediscover his family, find true love and begin a second act.

Bobby's son, Jake, is 19, and on a break from college. The poetry major is appearing in Larry David's Broadway play, Fish in the Dark. He's feeling good about working 2½ hours per day!

Meanwhile, Bobby's seeing Rose Byrne, the Australian goddess. He has to adjust to life there, with traffic on the wrong side, and even pedestrians walking on the wrong side of sidewalks.

Bobby has become close friends with his co-star, Al Pacino, and is a regular at poker games with Al and his buddies. The stakes (they claim) are low. It sounds as if the poker is just an excuse to give each other a hard time. As it happens, Al is the next-to-youngest of the poker group. (YouTube)

Dave reflects on Al's five visits to the Late Show. He says talking to Al is a little like getting lost in a corn maze. His interview will generally become a two-parter, that transitions into a miniseries. We exit the interview with a bumper of Mr. Pacino. I personally think Al is one of the all-time greats. Serpico... Scarface... Sea of Love... S1m0ne... Insomnia... Any Given Sunday... I really admired his character in Serpico, based on a real-life officer who was honest.

••• Andy Kim sings "Sister OK," with Kevin Drew. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper after closing credits: Sully and Dutch

3/13/15 [4175]: "From the Kentucky coal mines to the California sun, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"A lot of people... A lot of people... since I announced my retirement... a lot of people come up to me on the street and they say, 'Hey, Jimmy. I understand you're retiring. What are you... what are you gonna be doing after retirement?' I just found out today, I've been accepted into the CBS page program."

"Spring break... Anybody on spring break, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah, for Mom and Dad, it's the time of year you have to wire bail money to Puerto Vallarta. You know, I went to spring break when I was a kid. I was always the guy they would send out for ice, and I would come back and the motel room would be locked."

"Hey, you know what's goin' on right now? The Iditarod dogsled race is underway, up in Alaska. Yes. I know it's not the same without Derek Jeter. Is it, really?"

"Alex Rodriguez hit a home run in spring training game. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? I'll tell you what it means. He's back on the juice!"

audience shout out: "I know. You're thinkin', 'I traveled all the way from Melbourne, Australia for this crap.' "

"Listen to this. We really don't have anything to worry about, because scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion... 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's a black hole, 12 billion times the size of the sun. And it's a pothole, over on 8th Avenue." ... "It's full of Hillary Clinton e-mails! You ought to go over and peer over the edge."

"Republicans want to examine Clinton's hard drive. You know, they're all upset with Hillary Clinton, and they say, 'We need these e-mails, and not only that... hey, just forget the e-mails. We wanna get a look at your hard drive.' And I thought, 'Well, wasn't that the last Clinton scandal?' "

••• CBS has a fantastic, landmark cultural activity... the March Madness. Of course, we won't know who will be playing until the big selection program on Sunday evening. Let's take a look at the promo video.
(March Madness graphic)

(voice-over): "This Sunday, on CBS, March Madness finally arrives, with the NCAA Selection Show."

(lots of clips from games in recent years, and CBS's March Madness music)

(voice-over):

"Who will make it to the Big Dance?
Whose bubble will burst?
Will anyone beat Kentucky?
Who has the momentum?
Can Mike Krzyzewski win his fifth title?
Who will earn one-seeds?
Do any mid-majors have a shot?
Who will be this year's Cinderella?
Why didn't some teams get picked?
Did the committee take strength of schedule into account?
Does your team have a chance?
Which teams are primed for an upset?
Who should you avoid picking in your bracket?
Will travel distance play a key role?
Should you avoid teams led by freshmen?
Who started hot, and ended cold?
Who started cold, and ended hot?
How much does experience matter?
Will depth be a factor?
Who can make it to the Final Four?
How is Jim Nantz?
What networks are these games on?
Which of your favorite shows will be pre-empted?"

(NCAA Selection Show graphic)

(voice-over): "NCAA Selection Show. Only on CBS."

••• Yolanda Couceiro Morín is running for mayor of Portugalete, Spain. She's naked in her campaign posters.
(headshot photo of the doe-eyed candidate, smiling)

(voice-over): "A candidate running for mayor of Portugalete, Spain posed nude for her campaign poster."

(poster photo)

(voice-over): "Since launching the ad, Señora Morín has received increased attention from voters, ..."

(photo): Yolanda Couceiro Morín at a lectern, with Alan Kalter at her side

(voice-over): "... who now see her as a viable alternative to the La Costa Party."

(photo): Yolanda Couceiro Morín on a podium, with Alan Kalter at her side

(CNN graphic)

(voice-over): "Blitz Wolfer, CNN."

•••
(Dave looking toward Paul): "Does that look like Alan?"

(Paul): "A little bit."

(Dave): "Alan?"

(Alan, off-camera): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Let me ask you a question."

(Alan, off-camera): "Yeah."

(Dave): "It looked like... Was that you in all of those photos?"

(Jerry Foley cuts to Mr. Kalter at his perch. He's attired in a Morín campaign shirt, with her campaign poster on the wall behind him.)

(Alan, smiling, says slowly and deeply): "Nooo."

(Dave): "OK."

(me, in my best Tony Mendez voice): "Liar!!"

••• It seems like every month, somebody goes into a restaurant, and they find a rattlesnake in their omelet or something. It happened again! A man is suing Applebee's® because his Sizzling Fajita was sizzling hot. He said a prayer before digging in. The hot fajita was so hot, it burned his face. / video:
(clip from the Vatican): We see Pope Francis conducting a mass. He bends down toward a table. For some unknown reason, right at that place on the table is a plate with an Applebee's® Sizzling Fajita, and Pope Francis wallows his face in the thing. Suddenly, the pontiff is in great distress.

(Cut to a shot of the cardinals in attendance.)

(We hear the voice of TV's David Letterman): "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! My face is on... fire! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! The fajitas are burning my... face! Help! Help, please! Help! The fajitas! No! Oh, help, please..."

(Cut to Dave, at his monologue mark. He has a puzzled look. Then he introduces Paul.)

(Paul): "What can I possibly add to that? Nothing!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip: Keep your tongue from drying out by storing it in your mouth." (CBS Cares.) / a plug for Planters® •••

ACT 2

Dave calls for Jerry to turn on the thing... namely, the outside cam... for a visit to Rupert's Hello Deli on 53rd St. We see Rupert beside his cash register. Dave calls for the camera guy to take a look outside, and he greets two gents on the sidewalk. What's that sign in the window? "Late Show with David Letterman Merchandise Sold Here" / "Well, that explains the crowd," Dave wisecracks. Then we see a skyscraper shot: Broadway at 53rd St.

(Dave): "Hey, Rupert, how are you?"

(Rupert): "Good, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "You've got some loiterers out front. Does that happen all day?"

(Rupert): "All the time."

(Dave): "What do you do? Do you ever go out and talk to them?"

(Rupert): "No."

(Dave): "Yeah. Do you ever invite 'em in for a ham sandwich?"

(Rupert): "Uh... no."

(Dave): "You know what I would love more than anything, and I haven't had one of these in four or five years. I would like a ham sandwich on whole wheat bread or rye. I would like Swiss cheese or cheddar cheese. I would like a slice of tomato, and I would like some mustard... and a sandwich. Ohh, does that sound good! Ham sandwich!"

(Rupert): "I can do that for you."

(Dave): "No, no. Not you."

(Rupert): "Oh."

(Dave, smiling and proud at his misbehavior): "Rupert, how you been, my friend?

(Rupert): "It's been great, Dave. Thank you."

(Dave): "How's business? Is business good?"

(Rupert): "Business is good."

(Dave): "You've been with us now... how many years? 21... 22 years?"

(Rupert): "Uh... 22 years, yeah."

(Dave): "You were here, first night we were here, right? You beat us. You were here before we were, right?"

(Rupert): "Yeah. I was here two years before."

(Dave): "Two years before. So you've had a long run in this location. You ever think about movin' to the suburbs... takin' the place up to Scarsdale, or somethin'?"

(Rupert): "I haven't thought about that. No."

(Dave): "Yeah. You know what you ought to do, is put it in a mall. Take it someplace... put it in a mall."

(Rupert): "Hmm. That's food for thought."

(Dave): "Yeah. Is it ever! You know, like that Mall of America. Take it up there. There's malls in New Jersey, like that Garden State Center Mall, or whatever they call it over there."

(Rupert): "Yeah. That's a big mall!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, you'd... you'd probably do tremendous business there."

(Rupert): "Yeah, it's a heavy... it's a high-traffic area."

(Dave): "Yeah. But you're doin' fine where you are."

(Rupert): "Yeah, it's been great here."

(Dave): "I mean, it's a... it's a... you've got a license to print your own money, there, right?"

(Rupert): "Yeah, thanks to you."

(Dave): "Yeah, you're welcome. No. No, no, my friend. Thanks to you!"

(Rupert): "Naw."

(Dave): "You're the one who's done all the heavy lifting."

(Rupert, giggling): "No, you have."

(Dave): "No, no. Have any specials? Have any specials tonight?"

(Rupert, pointing to the digital menu): "The sandwiches that are printed up there."

(Dave): "Those are all specials?"

(Rupert): "Yup."

(Dave): "I can't really see them from here. Just call out one, and read it to us."

(Rupert): "Uh, well, we have a Letterman."

(Dave): "Uh huh. What's on the Letterman?"

(Rupert): "It's, uh, turkey, ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, sweet peppers, mayo, oil and vinegar."

(Dave): "Ooooh. Does that sound delightful! Does anybody order that?"

(Rupert): "Oh, all the time!"

(Dave): "Really?"

(Rupert): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Is that your most popular?"

(Rupert): "Actually, the number one seller is the Shaffer."

(Paul): "I can't help it, you know, if I'm just so popular."

(Dave): "What... Rupert, what's on the Shaffer?"

(Rupert): "It's a breaded chicken cutlet, cheese, sweet peppers, lettuce, tomato, mayo... on a hero."

(Dave): "Wow, that's a meal in itself right there... the Shaffer."

(Paul): "See, I would never order that myself. It's just not my style, but one time I asked Rupert, 'Why not make the sandwich something I would actually have,' and he said, 'Paul, it's selling.' "

(Dave, amused): "Now, what is the price of the Shaffer?"

(Rupert): "It's $7.95."

(Dave): "What about the Letterman?"

(Rupert): "It's $7.95, as well."

(Dave): "What about the price you buy both? What do you get there?"

(Rupert): "Umm, you multiply that by two."

(audience goes nuts)

(Dave): "Can't get a break. Alright, Rupert. The reason we're in here tonight is because it's time for 'Rupert Jee's Comedy Corner.' Here we go, everybody!"

••• "Rupert Jee's Comedy Corner"
(title graphic and peppy theme song) (.mp3)

Dave asks where he gets his jokes from. Rupert replies, "Well, I get them from friends of mine on Wall Street, deli-related web sites and prisoners." Tonight we'll just hear the punch lines. Rupert puts on his spectacles, and away we go...

"That's not Havarti, but keep slicing." (rim shot)

"Yes, it's the soup of the day, but I never said which day." (rim shot)

"I'm just here for the pickle spears." (rim shot)

"I always thought that was garnish."

"I hope that's mayonnaise."

"Looks like it's time to re-order napkins." (drums)

"Pumpernickel? I met her." (drums, rim shot)

"Nice beans, Captain." (rim shot)

"Please tell me that's mayo." (drums)

"Get your hands off my matzo balls." (rim shot) (Or is it matzah? How would I know? I'm from Kansas.)

"Now, that's what I call a spread!" (drums)

"She's always at home, stuffing the olives." (rim shot)

"You call that a foot-long?" (drums)

(Dave): "Could we go back to the pumpernickel joke? I'd like to hear that one more time."

(Rupert): "Pumpernickel? I just met her!" (rim shot and bass riff)

(Rupert): "Look, we've all had a lot of fun here, but food service safety is no laughing matter. Remember, deli workers: always wear a hairnet and plastic gloves... like me."

Rupert holds up both hands, with no gloves in sight.

(title graphic and peppy theme song) (.mp3)

(video)

••• Kevin Bacon plugs Fox's The Following. IMDB says, "A charismatic, yet psychotic serial killer communicates with other active serial killers, and activates a cult of believers following his every command."

The bespectacled Mr. Bacon begins the proceedings by announcing that today is a Friday the 13th, and he was in Friday the 13th, 35 years ago this spring. He had a classic horror-movie death. He 1) had sex, 2) sparked a fattie and 3) was dead. Yup. Sex and drugs = death, Kevin announces. His character croaked, compliments of an arrow to his neck, and he got fake blood in his mouth. His tongue wasn't feeling happy after the murder (done in one take). A crew member advised him to rinse his mouth, as they'd used developing fluid in the blood recipe. (YouTube)

Kevin's son is a musician in Brooklyn, and his daughter, an actress, is in California. Kevin, Kyra and the kids are a close family, based in New York, but they got "a little pad" in Los Angeles, where they go for Christmas. They go bowling on Christmas. Kevin reports that he's a terrible bowler. Meanwhile, Kyra does a victory dance after a big strike. He allows three dances before he gets sore about it.

The Bacon Brothers Band plays all over... been going for 20 years. They even had a Bacon Festival. Once they played Pike's Peak for a charity thing, and set out to climb the big rock before performing. (My dad and I once climbed most of Pike's Peak. I recall getting most of the way, then hitching a ride.) Anyway, it's a 14,115 feet above sea level, and 8,000 feet above Colorado Springs. The band was sucking on some kind of oxygen gadgets while performing. What I remember (and this was over 50 years ago), was being advised to not bring candy or snacks along, because it would make the low oxygen effects worse. I still remember being really hungry after all that exercise. Kevin says when you hit 13,500, you take three steps and stop to rest.

Kevin talks about stunts in The Following. It's very physical. He says, "I don't believe if I do it, it's a stunt. There is a very highly-trained stunt man who will do the job for me." The other day he was in the start of the fight, a stunt man steps in and goes down the stairs, then Kevin returns for the landing (on a Sealy Posturepedic®). Yes, he gets paid to do the same thing he does in a new hotel room.

On his @LETTERMAN card, Kevin wrote, "Wow. The Bacons will miss you. Thanks! 6° (photo ••• TTL setup: Each year, young people drop $2 billion on spring break action. / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Spring Break /

10. "Your mom won the wet t-shirt contest."
9. "Daytona? I booked flights to Dayton."
8. "There's great swimming near the wiper fluid plant."
7. "Welcome to Syria."
6. "$7.95 for a Shaffer?" (Cut to Rupert next door.)
5. "Floater in the pool!"
4. "Slow down, friend, that ain't guacamole."
3. "The hot tub's unplugged, why is it still bubbling?"
2. "Don't worry, the whale won't explode." (YouTube) (I'm sure it was given a decent burial.)
1. "Why do they call this Measles Beach?"
••• Steve Young's Backstage Oddities: I can't tell exactly what I'm seeing. It's something on a shelf inscribed, "Why am I here?" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I have no problem with restocking fees. 'Ooh, it's sooo hard to put things back on a shelf.' " •••
Jimmie JJ Walker stops by enroute to the Canton Comedy Theater in Canton, Missouri. He's wearing a bright yellow suit. Dave informs him, "You look like an Easter egg hunt, my friend."

Jimmie wants to talk about crime. For example, at a local Whole Foods Grocery in New York, there was a $75,000 robbery. The criminals left the scene with an entire bag of groceries. Then he addresses the claim that today's kids are lazy. Not in Colorado. He says Girl Scouts set up a cookie stand next to a marijuana emporium. Back to crime (since marijuana in Colorado isn't one): Jimmie was watching The Black Home Shopping Network, and spotted his TV and stereo. (We're not sure what he was watching the channel with. Big stars probably have extra TVs.)

Finally... it's been 41 years since the 1974 premiere of Good Times.

••• The Airborne Toxic Event sings "Wrong," from their album "Dope Machines." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/16/15 [4176]: "From the pearl of the Mediterranean, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"It's like spring or somethin', sort of like, or not?. I was walkin' in to work today, and I went by... well, it's easy enough to do, because there are many buildings in New York City with the name Trump written on them..." (rim shot) "I'm not done with the joke."

"So... beautiful spring day today, and I'm out takin' a walk, and I go by one of the many buildings here in New York City, and I look up. And there's the name Trump written, right there, on..." (rim shot) (Dave, to the audience): "Hang on a second." (Dave, to Anton Fig): "That's twice, and nobody loves a rim short more than I do, but... everything OK over there?" (Anton Fig): "I'm fine, Dave, but you know, from where I'm sitting, I can see the punch line on the cue cards, and I think it's best if you just quit early." (Dave): "Yeah. You're probably right. Thanks, Anton. You saved my life. I appreciate that."

••• "NBC News Fact Check" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Today Sunday news anchor Tamron Hill1 : "Russian president Vladimir Putin appeared in public today for the first time in 10 years."

(FX): "no" buzzer

(title graphic and dramatic music)

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• There's a big election in Israel this weekend. / video:
(photo): Bibi Netanyahu

(voice-over): "As Israelis go to the polls this week, Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu trails slightly behind Isaac "Bougie" Herzog. This is a reversal of last week, when Bibi bested Bougie."

(photo): Bibi with John Boehner

(voice-over): "But after Bibi's baffling Boehner booboo, and a week of bubbly Bougie embracing babies and bubbies, Bougie bounced, beating Bibi badly. So, will it be Bibi over Bougie - or Bougie over Bibi - at the ballot box? We'll know by bedtime if it's Bibi beating Bougie, or bye bye Bibi. Brian Benben, BBN."

(graphic): BBN logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Well, that was a waste of two years. Turns out it's parrots you can train to talk, not pigeons." / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2

Dave gives the floor to Paul Shaffer, who introduces bass guitar virtuoso Marcus Miller, who's sitting in with the CBSO tonight. Look for his new CD, "Afrodeezia." ••• TTL setup: "The Ashley Judd," as Dave calls Ashley Judd, has long been known as a major University of Kentucky basketball fan. Kentucky has won 34 games already this season, and they've circulated an awkward-looking picture of Dick Vitale kissing Ashley. (Ewwww.) Then we see Vitale kissing a basketball. The next victim is the Kentucky Wildcat mascot. Then he's caught kissing Coach Bill Belichick. (Ewwwww.) / Top Ten Things Going Through Ashley Judd's Mind at This Moment (during the kiss, that is)

10. "Personal foul!"
9. "Makes me want to switch teams."
8. "Someone's about to get a kick in the brackets."
7. "Mmm... Fixodent®."
6. "First time in my life I wish I was Wynonna."
5. "His pacemaker is going nuts."
4. "Imagine he's Marv Albert. Imagine he's Marv Albert. Imagine he's Marv Albert."
3. "Not awesome, baby!"
2. "Who do you think you are -- John Boehner?" (photo of Boehner awkwardly kissing Pelosi)
1. "What a dick!"
•••
Shailene Woodley plugs Insurgent, which opens on March 20. I'd never known anything about her, but saw her promo picture earlier today, and was struck by her natural beauty. Then I read her bio. She's quite intelligent, and an independent thinker, and knowing her background and upbringing helped me see where she's coming from. Her other appearance on the Late Show was on 5/05/14, when she and Dave had the talk about her eating clay. We'll come back to that.

Shailene's the daughter of a counselor. I had a graduate school course in counseling theory, and knowing her background, I can see her mother's influence... a counselor's point of view... in several of her answers to Dave's questions. For example, he asks her about the press tour, and she says you have to wake up and choose it. Has she ever ducked out of something? Yes. There was the time she told everyone she was going backpacking in New Zealand. She didn't make it, but substituted Australia.

She also visited Indonesia. It's an archipelago, made up of thousands of islands. This was her first exposure to the Hindu religion, and she was taken by their peaceful, serene lifestyle. She visited Bali, a province of Indonesia with population of almost 4,000,000, for about 10 days. She was taken with the fact that their diet is very consistent.

There we go! This returns us to the main topic of her visit in May, which was eating a teaspoon of clay every day, but not "a ball of Play-Doh®." Clay supposedly binds to heavy metals and gets them out of you. (YouTube) She's now into having bone broth on a regular basis. The goal is to get animal protein. Bone broth is cooked for up to 36 hours. She has a little every morning. She feels it's good for her, and prevents leaky gut syndrome. (This is a term or condition that's extremely controversial. Some believe the disorder was concocted to promote the sale of health products and supplements.)

Dave brings up something he mentioned not long ago, saying he's hypoglycemic, and always hungry. He's trying to watch his blood sugar, because of his bypasses in 2000. He's looking for something will be "beneficial and tasty." He brings up something I haven't run across in a long time, but is completely awesome: the Nestlé's Chunky bar. It's chocolate with raisins and peanuts. Uh oh... raisins. Scheft won't be having any Chunky.

Insurgent is a sequel or first cousin or something to Divergent, which Dave claims made a billion dollars. (Try $275,000,000 worldwide, which is still pretty stinking good!)

•••
Dr. Cornel West is a unique, intelligent and controversial gent. He has a bachelor's degree from Harvard, and a Ph.D. from Princeton. He describes himself as a "non-Marxist socialist." He believes in socialism, but as a faculty member of the Union Theological Seminary, he can't reconcile atheist Marxism with his beliefs. As one would expect of a socialist, he's critical of money, assets and power.

Many of Dave's questions are about the history and state of race relations in the United States. What about having elected a black president? Dr. West says this was "a magnificent achievement at the symbolic level," but there's a difference between substance and symbol. He wants us to consider the person we have, and not just color.

Dr. West is obviously a very intelligent man. I don't agree with his social justice philosophy, but he's quite an intellectual, and his mind goes so fast that you have to pay very close attention to have any chance of tracking what he's saying. If you want to learn more, have a look at his book, Black Prophetic Fire, a study of African American leaders.

••• There was no Act 5 Audience Pan. Instead, during Dr. West's visit, we enjoyed music with Marcus Miller and the CBSO. ••• Matthew E. White sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/17/15 [4177]: "From the ball pit at the Elizabeth, New Jersey IKEA, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE JOKES:

"Sad news at the St. Patrick's Day parade. New York City Mayor de Blasio dropped a leprechaun on its head."

"St. Patrick's Day, annually, is the biggest drinking day in America. Fourth-biggest drinking day. Not the biggest, but fourth. It's in the top five. Fourth-biggest drinking day in America, right behind New Year's Eve. OK, that makes sense. Fourth of July... kind of a surprise, but OK... Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party."

"I don't know if you're following this, but today is voting day... election day... in Israel, and Bibi Netanyahu is trailing in all the polls, so earlier today, or late last night, Florida sent in the crooked voting machines, so we'll just see what happens. ... It's a tight race. Netanyahu is running against a man named Bougie Herzog... Bougie Herzog. And, of course, in the 70s, he managed the St. Louis Cardinals."

(Update, 2:11 A.M. CDT): CBS Up to the Minute has caled the close race for the Beebster. We now return you to whatever.

••• It's Pat Farmer's interruption #2015-0004. It goes pretty much like this:
(Dave, after being startled): "Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands. Pat..."

(Pat): "How are you, Dave?"

(Dave): "Good. How are you."

(Pat): "Good."

(Dave, pointing at Pat, then at his own green tie): "Oh, look! You've got the green. I've got the..."

(Pat): "Yes, it's..."

(Dave): "And, by the way... I don't want to interrupt you, but Patrick... St. Patrick... so congratulations on celebrating your namesake day, St. Patrick's Day. You're Patrick."

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave, and you're not going to believe this, but I'm also a saint."

(Dave, amused): "No. Now, that's cute, and I understand, maybe a little." (mimics drinking) "But I don't think you're actually a saint. What makes you a saint?"

(Pat): "Well, I am, Dave. Well, for one thing, I've put up with your bulldjoy for 22 years." (waves to the audience) "Goodnight, everybody!"

(Pat exits the stage.)

(Dave): "What did he say?"

(CBSO): peppy "Pat just made a funny" circus music

(Dave): "He's just kiddin'."

••• Have you seen the promo CBS is running for the March Madness? / video:
(March Madness CBS animated graphic)

(voice-over): "Who will win this year's NCAA tournament? Will it be the Albany Great Danes, Arizona Wildcats, Arkansas Razorbacks, Baylor Bears, Belmont Bruins, Boise State Broncos, Buffalo Bulls, Butler Bulldogs, BYU Cougars, Cincinatti Bobcats, Coastal Carolina Chanticleers, Davidson Wildcats, Dayton Flyers, Duke Blue Devils, Eastern Washington Eagles, Georgetown Hoyas, Georgia Bulldogs, Georgia State..."

(Dave makes the control room stop this.) "That's good. That's enough." (He tells a Mitt Romney joke about Evander Holyfield's ear.) "Mitt Romney will talk Holyfield's ear off."

••• It's another installment of "Nobody Cares." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Jon Voight): "Hi. I'm Jon Voight. I..."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(I ran the Google machine for the back story. Voight took on Barack Obama's nuclear talks with Iran over the weekend, saying it's "like making a peace deal with Hitler.") (link)

••• Dave's changed his mind on the NCAA. Let's see how that video's coming.
(voice-over): "Gonzaga Bulldogs, Hampton Pirates, Harvard Crimson, Indiana Hoosiers, Iowa Hawkeyes, Iowa State Cyclones, Kansas Jayhawks, Kentucky Wildcats, Lafayette Leopards, Louisville Cardinals, LSU Tigers, Manhattan Jaspers, Maryland Terrapins, Michigan State Spartins..."

(Dave blows the whistle in the Ms.)

(me): Go play in the street, Jayhawks.

••• Well, we skipped seven letters of the alphabet, but here we go with more March Madness promo...
(voice-over): "U. C. Irvine Anteaters, UCLA Bruins, Utah Utes, Valparaiso Crusaders, VCU Rams, Villanova Wildcats, Virginia Cavaliers, West Virginia Mountaineers, Wichita State Shockers, Wisconsin Beavers, Wofford Terriers, Wyoming Cowboys or the Xavier Muskateers. Watch all the action on CBS, TNT, TBS and trutv."

(me): At least they got to the #1-seed Villanova Wildcats, or there would be some 'splainin to do to Danielle. Am I right, readers?

••• Everybody tries to get in on the March Madness action. Do you know the HGTV... the Good Housesweeping or Good Housegrooming or House and Gargoyles, or whatever it stands for? / video:
(clips): plant life

(HGTV graphic and voice-over): "HGTV presents Mulch Madness... over 10 hours of the exciting wood chip action you love." (more plant life clips) "Grass clippings, field hay, peat moss. This year will be mulchier than ever! Here's a sneak peak at some of the mulch action."

(clip): wood chipper making a big pile of top-quality mulch

(The fans cheer wildly.)

(graphic and voice-over): "Mulch Madness on HGTV. It's almost too mulch to handle."

(me): That was a good one!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm having a great day. Three graham crackers in a row--bang! Broken neatly along the perforations!" / a plug for Swiffer Sweeper •••

ACT 2

Leon Pendarvis is sitting in for Paul Shaffer. Dave says Paul's on assignment. I'm concerned. Dave is usually very open about why Paul is away. I hope everyone's OK.

••• "St. Patrick's Day Fun Facts" (from the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information)

  • St. Patrick is believed to have died on March 17, in the year 461.

  • Thirty-four million Americans claim Irish ancestry.

  • 1948: Harry Truman became the first president to attend a St. Patrick's Day parade.

  • Shamrocks are not actually rocks... hence the name.

  • St. Patrick's Day also commemorates the birth of Irish Jesus.

  • Visit an actual leprechaun registry to see if one is living in your neighborhood.

  • One pint of Guiness contains 2,380 calories.

  • St. Patrick's Day is the only day the Red Cross supplies units of green-colored blood."
    (Dave): "This is the only piece we do when I get to periodically lick something."

  • The average child contains three ounces of Lucky Charms.

  • To fully enjoy St. Patrick's Day, the FDA recommends you begin drinking at 5 A.M.

  • Click here to meet other single seniors in your area.
    Dave wads this one up and throws it behind him, breaking the glass in the fake windows that was removed before the 6/10/13 episode. (glass-breaking FX)

  • Shamrock Shake was also a popular 1930s dance craze.

  • Your "Fun Facts" subscription is almost expired. Please submit a valid credit card for another year of high-quality fun facts." (another one through the windows) (Whoops! Dave put his right eye out.)

  • Before filtration, all beer is green.

  • Colorado and Oregon have both legalized recreational shamrock use.

    "Fun Facts" theme song

•••
Will Ferrell plugs Get Hard. He's dressed as a leprechaun, hoping to educate New Yorkers on the dangers of snakes. In 2014, just in the borough of Manhattan, there were 36,000 snake attacks. That's one every nine seconds, people. Thankfully, Mr. Ferrell has avoided a personal attack.

Will tells about playing Cactus League baseball during spring training. According to USA Today, Will's not making this up. In fact, he played nine positions, and we see clips.

The Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show was a wonderful experience, even though Big Bill O'Reilly was there, and was "a real sourpuss." (YouTube)

Now, to the movie. Dave thinks the chemistry with Will and Kevin Hart was fantastic. Dave wonders if his character should be called a dimwit. Will plays a hedge fund guy, pretty much a savant, with no social skills. He's accused of embezzling $200,000,000, and he's going to the slammer. Kevin is enlisted to help him get ready for the big house.

Will closes by singing his own version of "Oh Danny Boy" for Dave. We'll not be discussing his Harry Caray impression.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the results of our survey which asked your friends and family what should be done about you!" ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear in a Bar on St. Patrick's Day
10. "We're out of cabbage; I'm using ficus leaves."

9. "Green beer = antifreeze."

8. "Why is Robert Durst here?"

7. "Open your copies of Dianetics to page 43."

6. "One more and then I gotta go, the plane won't fly itself."

5. "Someone take away Justice Ginsburg's keys."

4. "The only thing left on tap is Fresca."

3. "Turn up the volume, I can't hear Wheel of Fortune."

2. "In observance of the holiday, the pub is closed."

1. "Wake up! It's March 25th!"

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Jimmie JJ Walker and Kathy Mavrikakis. ••• Glen Hansard sings a number from his album, "It Was Triumph We Once Proposed." (He's Irish... born in Ballymun, Dublin, Ireland.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/18/15 [4178]: "From the legendary Lost Dutchman Mine somewhere in Arizona, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE JOKES:

audience shout out: "Thank you for helping out with our annual Late Show Clothing Drive." (Dave has Todd Seda model a bright orange Reese's Peanut Butter Cup® hoodie.)

"We have broken the back of winter this year, and I'll tell you, I saw a sign of spring. Earlier today, I saw a robin, and it was pulling a worm out of Lindsay Lohan's tequila bottle."

"Ferrets are now illegal as pets in New York City. How about that? Yeah! But I wanna tell you, there is nothing worse than a neighbor with a yappy ferret. But here's the catch. They're illegal as pets, but not food, OK?"

Cinderella is the #1 movie. ... But I just want to say, and I know Oscar season is over, but I just want to say that Steve Carell is great as Cinderella. Fantastic!"

Pope Francis is now saying he might retire. "Are you like me? Did you think the pope was appointed for lifetime? ... I mean, it's like Vanna White, right? Isn't it?"

"Imagine if you had to pay to get in here."

"There's a new study, and this kind of broke my heart. Doctors say now (and I wish they'd mind their own business)... they say now that loneliness... if you're lonely, it's more dangerous than smoking and drinking. So... they recommend that you smoke and drink with others."

"What is also dangerous is criticizing Vladimir Putin." (We hear audio of 120 dogs eating Kim Jong-Un's uncle on 1/08/14. The hungry canines were supposed to be about Putin tonight.)

••• There's a new commissioner of Major League Baseball. Pete Rose decided to fire off a note, to ask for a reprieve from his lifetime ban. We read...

Dear Commissioner Manfred,

I humbly ask that you reconsider my lifetime ban from Major League Baseball. I would greatly appreciate an opportunity to discuss this with you further.

Thank you,      
Pete Rose       

Whoops! By chance we see the flip side of the note. It was written on a betting slip.

••• "Segue of the Night"

(title graphic and upbeat theme song)

(photo): operating room scene

(voice-over): "Doctors perform the world's first successful penis transplant."

(clip): cooking demo

(voice-over): "And we are in the kitchen to help you get a healthy, hearty start to the day. Egg muffins!"

(title graphic and upbeat theme song)

••• This is true! Mitt Romney's going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity on May 15. (Good luck with that, boys. Pitch Perfect 2 opens that day.) (proof) Let's have a look at "Mitt: The Road to the Ring." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(graphic): carbo-loading

(clip): Mitt eating spaghetti

(graphic): cross-training

(clip): Mitt running

(graphic): sparring

(clip): a boxing match

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Yes, I've destroyed many valuable pearls, but I really wanted to see what had irritated the oyster!" / a plug for the Lincoln MKZ •••

ACT 2

TTL montage ••• TTL setup: Russians love Vladimir Putin because he kills people. He was gone for 10 days, but he has excuses. ••• Dave introduces Leon Pendarvis as Leo Pendarvis, much to Leon's amusement. ••• Then Dave announces that Paul Shaffer is "out on assignment, covering a story." ••• Top Ten Vladimir Putin Excuses

10. "Wanted to see if people would miss me"

9. "Getting all my tax refund stuff together"

8. "Putting the finishing touches on my Rootin Tootin Putin cookbook"

7. "Training to fight Mitt Romney"

6. "Visited Fidel Castro, traded sweatshirts" (and audience shout out)

5. "You know, Russia pretty much runs itself"

4. "Why don't you ask your mom where I was?"

3. "Karaoke bender"

2. "Appointments with urologist following a 'missile crisis' "

1. "I was checking out property in hell"

••• Dave takes a side trip. Somebody's run out and gotten a couple Reese's Peanut Butter Cups®. He shares with Todd Seda, and advises him he should get some money from the Reese's® people for wearing that orange hoodie instead of his usual plaid shirts. •••
Norm Macdonald is in for what he calls his last visit. Catch him at the Comedy Works in Greenwood Plaza Village in Denver on April 24 and 25. I have Norm's visits at two on LNDL, and this as his 23rd Late Show appearance. This doesn't include being bumped a few times. I'm always happy when I see Norm's booked. He's working blue tonight, possibly trying to break Madonna's givling record of 13 givls, set on 3/31/94.

Norm has a funny take on dessert in a restaurant. He says we're now likely to see a dessert tray instead of a menu, and a guy works on you to make the sale. It's not just the choice of apple or cherry pie anymore. The dessert guy arrives, and before long his tone changes, and his suggestions carry sexual undertones. "Ahhhhh, you like this?" "You like decadent things?" "May I tempt you?"

Dave asks if Norm, 51, notices changes because of his age. He does. "Oh, yeah. I don't remember nothin' no more. I used to remember everything, man." Norm had a TV show, Norm, from 1999 to 2001. (He played Norm.) He tells about Jack Warden, who was on the show. Jack appeared in Broadway's The Man in the Glass Booth, and had a 1½-hour monologue. Jack was having trouble with his memory on Norm, so Norm had to remember his lines, "just in case he got his right." In one show, Norm and Jack were watching a hockey game. Jack was supposed to say, "I'll tell ya, Normy, hockey's no good anymore... not since they put in the helmets." Norm: "So he looks over at me, and just blank eyes, so I know he don't got nothin'. But he's trying to use his acting skills, so he looks at me and he goes, 'Normy, Normy, Normy,' and you could see what he remembered through what he said." "He'd go, 'Normy, Normy, Normy. Hockey, Normy. Hocky, Normy.' "

Norm's interested in a souvenir from the show in this, his last appearance. He chooses one of the floor cameras, and wheels it off to the side.

Here's Norm's parting well wishes for Dave: "I will say, in all sincerity... I know you don't like to hear these things. Emotions... you're like Nixon and djoy. But I will say, your hero was Johnny Carson. Well... you are my Johnny Carson. ... Now, but what complicates things... what complicates things a little, Dave, is Johnny Carson was also my Johnny Carson."

Dave says one of the things he loves about Norm is his love of their mutual friend, George Miller.

Norm wants to do a George Miller joke. "I was watching Wild Kingdom with my mother. It said at the end, 'Directed by Wolfgang Bauer. Produced by Wolfgang Bauer.' My mother said, 'Do you suppose that's the same?' "

Dave then tells an abbreviated version of his George Miller story... the time when George's girlfriend called the police on him for marking up her picture of Jesus. (video)

Here's Dave's humorous eulogy for George Miller, from the March 2, 2006 Late Show: video

Norm naturally works Las Vegas a fair amount, and he jumps on that topic. "Las Vegas! The oddest slogan I've ever heard: 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas', they say. Of course that's not true. You can't kill a person and leave. They'll follow you across state lines and bring you back, and you'll face a jury of your peers. So I said, 'What does that mean? What does that mean?' Like, 'What are they gettin' at,' you know? I started ruminating about it. I whittled. I started whittling. And I said, 'What does that actually mean?' What it means is, you can have sex with a prostitute in Las Vegas, and she will not tell your wife. They're very discreet in Vegas. They're not like these gossipy, small-town whores. You know? These blabbermouths, down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head... whatever that is, go, 'You're Hank Johnson's? By God, last night I had sex in exchange for cash with him.' Small world."

Then Norm closes with Bob Uecker stories. Bob was funny, and he said naughty words. (YouTube)

(complete interview video)

Yahoo TV critic @kentucker live tweeted Norm's interview, and the next day, for Yahoo, he wrote: "David Letterman and Norm Macdonald Demonstrate How a Talk Show Should Work."

••• Our friend Steve Young loves college basketball, Dave says. Tonight he'll enlighten us with "Steve Young's March Madness Preview." / Steve's onstage to present it, with a large NCAA bracket on a tripod. (or is that a lectern? ... just jokes)
(Steve): "Thanks, Dave. If you'll direct your attention to the display behind me, you'll see a large grid, composed of dozens of small brackets. In the world of geometric shapes, brackets stand alone in their versatility of form; however, brackets are commonly employed in written language. These symbols, known as square brackets [ ], are used in literature to enclose parenthetical matter and interpolations.

These brackets, commonly referred to as braces { }, fulfill the same purpose, and can be used instead, as a matter of preference.

Angle brackets < >, or chevrons, are today most often used in complex math problems. The word chevron originally meant rafter in old French, and was likely derived from the Latin slang term, caprion, meaning goat. So ..."

(Dave): "Steve... Steve..."

(Steve): "Yes, Dave?"

(Dave): "That's fascinating, but are you planning to talk about the NCAA basketball tournament at any point, tonight?"

(Steve): "Naw... not really, but you can always do what I'm doing."

(Dave): "And what is that, Steve?"

(Steve): "I'm throwing my wallet at Kentucky!"

(CBSO plays a "Steve just made a funny" song)

(The scrim is lowered.)

(Dave, applauding): "That was a complete waste of time!"

(me): No it wasn't! I liked it. (edit): Steve reports that Mike Leech wrote the piece.

(YouTube)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Anyone interested in going to Tikrit this weekend to help me rebuild Saddam's tomb, meet me in the lobby after the show. Thanks." •••
Theo James plugs Insurgent, which opens on March 20.

Mr. James served an undetermined amount of time digging holes in his younger years. No one is to talk about the time he dug up asbestos. What happens in the ditch, stays in the ditch.

Here's something that surprised me: Naomi Watts, 46, plays Theo's mommy in the movie. She wears a dark wig. Theo is 30, so that's a stretch, especially since Naomi looks about 30.

Insurgent is the sequel to Divergent. Dave announces that Detergent will be up soon. The plan is to have four films in the series. Stay tuned for Pungent to wrap it all up. Just jokes...

••• full credits

3/19/15: REPEAT FROM 2/16/15

3/20/15: REPEAT FROM 2/19/15

3/23/15 [4179]: "From Jupiter's largest moon, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• NO PAUL TONIGHT / Hurry back! •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's audience shout out is mysterious. It begins with news that Burger King® now offers Whopper cologne. [A Google search reveals that this is true, but only in Japan, on sale on April 1 only, and for $40 worth of yen.] Maybe the audience guy asked about. Anyway, Dave advises Whopper Cologne™ wearers to stay away from all lion cages.
••• Dave saw an interesting commercial about spring break. / video:
(clip): woman using a MacBook... piano music in the background

(voice-over): "You want to enjoy spring break someplace fun and exciting, but because of your age, you lack the mobility to travel there. Try the new Acorn Spring Break Lift®."

(graphic): Acorn® logo

(clip): woman descending a stairway on an Acorn®

(voice-over): "It will not only transport you down your stairs and out of your home,..."

(animation): woman's now riding down a country highway, on the stairway rail installed on a shoulder for her Acorn®

(voice-over): "... but also the entire distance to your spring break destination."

(FX): honk from a passing dump truck / lady arrives at a beach, loaded with drunken 20-somethings

(voice-over): "Acorn Spring Break Lift®: Regain the freedom you deserve."

••• "John McCain: LIE" / video:
(title graphic and catchy melody)

(female interviewer / split-screen with the Senator): "Do you think Senator Cruz is somebody who could lead the Republican Party to victory against Hillary Clinton?"

(Senator McCain): "I do..."

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(FX): X

(title graphic and catchy melody)

••• Ted Cruz announced a presidential bid today. / Will a Democrat run against Hillary for their nomination? / video:
(clip): Hillary speaking at the U.N.

(voice-over): "Due to the controversy surrounding Hillary Clinton, the Democratic National Committee is searching for other Democrats to seek the presidency."

(series of photos)

(voice-over): "Currently, our best options are: Jose Canseco, Kevin Federline, Chi-Chi Rodriguez, M. Night Shymalan, Wiz Khalifa, Bill Parcells, Sanjaya and the Hardee's® mascot. A message from the Democratic National Committee: the home for cat owners."

(graphic): DNC logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know: Smithtown, New York and Johnson City, Tennessee were assigned their names when they entered the federal Witness Protection Program." / a plug for Chevrolet •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

  1. Paul will be back tomorrow. The CBS Orchestra is doing a fine job of carrying on.

  2. James Corden's first Late Late Show airs tonight. James is a British actor, comedian and Tony Award winner. His band leader is Reggie Watts, and his first guests are Tom Hanks and Mila Kunis. (Dave didn't mention Mila, but she's really cute, and I'm looking at her while I type this, so now you know.)

  3. Former hosts of the Late Late Show were Tom Snyder: Jan. 1995 to 1999, Craig Kilborn: 1999 to Aug. 2004 and Craig Ferguson: Jan. 2005 to December 2014. Good luck to James tonight!

  4. Strange things happen in life. (Dave's strange thing was documented in the Daily Mail today.)

    Dave, Regina and Harry spent three days in St. Bart's, compliments of the March Madness reruns. It's volcanic islands, and therefore hilly. Dave likes to run there. Because of the hills, "you get a lot of bang for your buck." The course he set out to run was four miles. After running two miles in the tropical sun, his feet went numb, possibly because of his brand new shoes. "What I really need is new feet." Now Dave's numb, two miles from his car and without his phone. What to do? His left foot was the worst, so he decided to carry the shoe and try running with just a sock. "Pain's gone!" He took off both shoes, and set out to carry 'em. Not wanting to look ridiculous, he set the shoes on a traffic cone for later pick-up. On the way back in the car, he discovered that his shoes had been yoinked.

    Back in the Ed today, Dave tells all this to Mary Barclay. Right at that time, Mary found the aforementioned link to photos of Dave running in socks. (Did anyone notice that Dave's wearing that phantom watch he's always pointing to?) "It looks like the old man is crazy, doesn't it?" (At this point the control room runs a close-up of Dave's socks-only feet.)

    (Smiling, Dave concludes the presentation with, "Oh... that's nothin' but ugly.) Thus endeth another classic desk chat.

••• TTL montage ••• Hold everything! We're back to the desk chat. Dave looks up from the TTL blue card and says, "See, I... at the time, I thought the odd part of the story was my shoes had been stolen. But no... I looked like a shaved ostrich, out for a run. That's the odd part of the story." ••• TTL setup: Pope Francis was out and about in the Popemobile recently, and a gent gave him a pizza. •••
Top Ten Things Overheard at This Moment

10. "Mama mia! That's a spicy lapse of security."

9. "Just in time for the Michigan State-Virginia game."

8. "Shouldn't have filled up on communion wafers."

7. "I gave up food from strangers for Lent."

6. "Is this pizza kosher?" (an audience shout out)

5. "Beeer me!"

4. "No dipping sauce? What is this, Vatican I?"

3. "Pizza be with you."

2. "Do you want to eat it or bless it?"

1. "This isn't enough for everyone -- I'm not exactly Jesus Christ!"

(Attention heathens: See Mark 6:30-46.)

•••

ACT 3

This is exciting. Outside to 53rd St., we join the beautiful human cannonball Gemma "The Jet" Kirby, from Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey® Presents Circus Xtreme. She doesn't come from a circus family, but the 25-year-old from St. Paul ran away to the circus at age 17. Gemma was coached by Late Show veteran Brian Miser, "The Human Fuse," 5/06/11 [3487]. Brian "built the cannon," Gemma says, and he taught her how to be shot out of it. Today marks Gemma's 549th cannon ride. Gemma reports that Brian has 5,000. Dave asks her if it's scary. "A little," she says. (At least 30 people have been killed exiting a cannon.)

(edit): I discovered a day later that I had video of Brian as The Human Fuse.

To get an idea of what an adventure this is, Gemma says she goes from 0 MPH to 65 MPH in ¼ second. At T minus 2 seconds, Gemma holds her breath and tightens every muscle she has. While airborne, her focus is to stay tight. Then, as she returns to earth, she switches from her arrow configuration and orients herself to land on her back. Zero injuries to date! Mr. Boyfriend "stays on the ground." Her ride will cover about 100 feet to the airbag, with an apogee of 40 feet. Ha! We get a look at two helper dudes standing by the airbag in goofy shirts. "They're my entourage! Aren't they cool?"

Here we go. Gemma's quite an acrobat. She walks up the barrel of the cannon, pops off the cover and gets in. A ringmaster in a flashy outfit sets the stage, and off she goes, with a perfect landing. There isn't a boom. These cannons use either a spring or compressed air.

I'm sure going to miss the 53rd St. stunts, and the Broadway Hose Cam® action.

••• desk chat: If NYC traffic's bad, try the Crosstown Cannon. ••• (While I'm typing this at 1:30 A, TMZ is working over Dave for his shoeless Caribbean outing.) •••
Ben Stiller plugs While We're Young, set to open on March 27.

Ben takes the lead in tonight's visit. He loves the shoeless picture of Dave, and informs him,

"And I think, in your next career, you could be the Klingon alien villain in the next Star Trek movie. There's an intensity. There's an intensity there. Now listen. I came on the show the last time, and I wanted say something nice about you being... you know... you moving on, and, and... you wouldn't let me, because you said, 'No, you'll come back,' and so now this is it." ... "Anyway, so I just wanted to say that I really do feel so lucky to have lived in the era of Letterman. Yes. Because for as long as I can remember, you have been on television. I can't remember a time that you weren't on television. You know? And I'm not... I'm no spring chicken, you know? And I... you know... I grew up watching Carson when I was a little kid, and I wanted to be on Carson, but then I never was on Carson. For me, you are that, to our generation. Yes. You're the man. You're the man. You will be missed!"
Dave turns the discussion to compliment Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Stiller, Ben's parents, who were on the Ed Sullivan Show about 31 times.

Now it's time for the kids talk. The Stillers are living in the city now, and have for about five years. Ben mimics his young son reading the sign on a strip joint. "Live... nude... dancers." Since the young dude has seen the venue, it's time for the awkward conversation, "They can touch you, but you can't touch them." (YouTube)

Ben used to get mugged on the subway. One time, when a bad guy discovered he'd lifted a Timex®, he gave it back. Then it's back to the kids, and the world of youth soccer (and their parents).

During Ben's segments, we get the Act 5 Audience Pan, "You know, a corkscrew would probably work on just about any soft, woody substance stuck in a bottle."

Outside cam: Ben supposedly gets a cannon ride. We see a projectile emerge from the weapon, then a quick cut, then a stunt man landing on the hood of a yellow taxi. Cut to the heroic Ben, with a bit of blood on his forehead. Dave reports, "We're being told that he's OK." Well, he did at least get in the barrel of the thing.

Now, about that movie. IMDB says, "A middle-aged couple's career and marriage are overturned when a disarming young couple enters their lives." It's a must-see. My future bride, Naomi Watts, is in it, as well as the irascible Charles Grodin.

Hey, did you know that Ben and Owen Wilson announced Zoolander 2 for 2016 a few days ago, at some fashion show? Great news.

••• Tove Lo sings. I thought she was really good! Check out her work at www.itunes.com/tovelo. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: the cannon ••• Good luck to James Corden, who premiered with an all-star cast in his first segment. Meryl Streep was one of many celebrities, including Leno, who stepped up to help him out.

3/24/15 [4180]: "From a derelict railroad trestle over the Potomac River, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• PAUL SHAFFER IS BACK! (Leon Pendarvis, unannounced, is sitting in with Paul.) •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Big Bill O'Reilly is here." / All night long: It's a clip of a bunch of nuns excited over an encounter with Pope Francis, inserted at random times, beginning with Big Bill. (me): I notice that nuns don't seem to wear contact lenses much.

There's a guy in Wyoming who's 100, and still selling cars. "The rare opportunity to combine that new-car smell with that old-guy smell." (Insert your favorite Regis joke here.) (Paul): "You're terrible!"

••• The other day, Pope Francis was "venerating" a vial of blood of St. Gennaro, who expired in 305 A.D., and it partially liquefied after the pontiff laid a smooch on the container. An archbishop subsequently declared this event a miracle. Some called it a half miracle. (news) / Over the weekend, Pope Francis did another half miracle. / Let's all watch "The Half-Miracles of Pope Francis." / video:
(title graphic and choir music)

(voice-over, with Italian accent): "On February 21st, in the Year of Our Lord 2014, Pope Francis miraculously made his footwear more comfortable by inserting a massaging gel insole."

(shot of the pontiff's feet, with a package of Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel™ insoles onscreen)

(voice-over, with Italian accent): "This has been 'The Half-Miracles of Pope Francis.' "

(title graphic and choir music)

(me): Ha! I must be miraculous myself, 'cause I've got the same exact product in my Nike basketball shoes right now. I recommend them to all my readers with plantar fasciitis. Mine was acting up last week, so I went back to my older shoes that have the inserts. Much better. I had that affliction for a year straight, two or three years ago.

••• interruption: Costume designer Sue Hum, who needs no introduction, makes her way to Dave's mark. She seems in a good mood. We listen.
(Dave): "Hey, look who's here, ladies and gentlemen! It's our costume designer, Sue Hum!" (applauds) "Welcome to the show! Thank you for comin' out, Sue. Nice to see you. How're you doin'?"

(Sue, eyeballing the cue cards, as usual): "You forgot to put... on your tie."

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(Sue): "You forgot to put on your tie."

(Dave): "I forgot to put on my tie?"

(Sue): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Are you kidding me?"

(Sue): "Uhh uhh."

(Dave, checking, then smiling and pointing): "No, look. I've got a tie! I have a tie, right there!"

(Sue): "April fools!"

(Paul): "Ha!"

(Dave): "That's a good one, but it's not April 1st."

(Sue digs a planner book out of her back pocket.)

(Paul): "Uh oh."

(Dave, patiently): "It's next Wednesday... the April Fools' Day."

(Sue, handing the prop tie to Dave): "Here. Hold this. Hold this." (She makes the appropriate notation in her little Joe Grossman book.)

(Sue, grabbing the tie Dave held for her): "See you next Wednesday." (She has a big laugh and exits.)

(audience): polite applause

(Dave): "That was kinda like a half miracle. It was half-assed."

••• Yesterday, Senator Ted Cruz announced his run for the presidency. He's the first to officially announce. Let's take a look back at the success over the years of the first to announce. / video:
(clip): Senator Cruz politicking

(voice-over): "Republican Senator Ted Cruz is the first official candidate for the 2016 presidential election." (shot of his Facebook page) "And, as history has shown, the first-declared candidate always goes on to win the election... except in 2012 (photo: Fred Karger), 2008 (photo: Mike Gravel), 2004 (photo: Al Sharpton), 2000 (Bob Smith), 1996 (photo: Phil Gramm), 1992 (photo: Paul Tsongas), 1988 (photo: Pierre Du Pont), 1984 (photo: Alan Cranston), 1980 (photo: Phil Crane), 1976 (photo: Morris Udall), 1972 (photo: George McGovern), 1968 (photo: George Romney), 1964 (photo: Nelson Rockefeller), 1960 (photo: Hubert Humphrey), 1956 (photo: Adlai Stevenson)..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "See you in the White House, President Cruz!"

(original voice-over, fading out): "1948, 1944, 1940, 19..."

••• Here's one with no setup: "Today: A Production of NBC News" / video:
(title graphic and horn version of NBC's G3, E4, C4 notes)

(clip): Regis and Hoda Kotb are face-to-face, and drawing closer as they nibble on either end of a Twizzler®. (link)

Run, Hoda, run! They've run out of candy. Their lips meet, and Regis commences smooching the host. Hoda plants a palm on Regis's right shoulder, to no avail. She grimaces after being kissed by the 120-year-old. Patooey! Patooey! Ewwww!

(me): orders of magnitude less disgusting than Dick Vitale putting the moves on Ashley Judd the other day, 'cause I can't stand that doofus

(title graphic and horn version of NBC's G3, E4, C4 notes)

(Dave): "Is it wrong that I'm excited?"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Money Saving Tip: You'll always pay less for stolen goods." / a plug for AT&T •••

ACT 2

Dave calls for Biff Henderson, who brings out large bags of shirts for a lady who lost her luggage. Dave pulls back a couple of Ball State items. •••

Dave sent two gazebos to Kankakee, Illinois some time ago, as it was reported as one of the worst places to live. If you'd like the background, click here. I didn't remember this, so I fired up my master episode logs file, and here's what I found: 11/05/99 [1317]: Top Ten Slogans for Kankakee, Illinois / 11/16/99 [1324]: Dave calls Donald Green, mayor of Kankakee, and presents a gazebo, to help 'em improve their reputation. / 12/01/99 [1335]: Dave checks in with Mayor Green, who's in Branson at the moment, and presents the second gazebo. And I believe that's the last we heard of their fine city for 15 years!

Todd Seda comes out to set up his good will trip to Kankakee, as Dave's been informed that one gazebo was torn down and turned into a rocking chair, in honor of his retirement. Todd said he had an "amazing" time. / video:

(scenes from the city)

(Todd, with Mayor Nina Epstein): "So, how have the gazebos that Dave gave you in 1999 affected tourism?"

(Mayor Epstein, evading the question): "Well, actually, many of the local residents use those all the time."

(Cut to a diner, with Todd talking to a male senior citizen): "Have you ever taken advantage of the twin gazebos here in town?"

(senior citizen): "No."

(Todd, with a couple in another diner): "Have you even taken advantage of the twin gazebos?"

(man): "No."

(Todd, with another man): "Does anyone ever go to the gazebos here in town?"

(man): No, I never have."

(Todd): "Any good musical acts ever come through here?"

(man): "Yeah. Neil Diamond came here once." (in 1968!)

(Todd, back with his first man): "If I grew up here in Kankakee, what do you think I'd do for a living?"

(man): "Well... you'd probably be a waitress... waiter."

At this point, Todd suggests some slogans for Kankakee. They sort of fall flat.

Todd and Mayor Epstein have a tour of her office, then attend a ribbon cutting at a new gas station. They end up at one of the gazebos. In a local theater, there's a big assembly, with high school marching bands, Todd break dancing on stage, and the unveiling of Dave's new customized rocker, built by Javier Almanza.

(title graphic): "Todd in Kankakee"

(on stage at the Ed Sullivan Theater): The scrim rises. Illuminated by spotlights, the rocker is revealed.

(clip): Italian nuns applaud wildly.

(my video)

(YouTube)

•••
Big Bill O'Reilly plugs Killing Jesus, a one-time-only TV movie, set to air on March 29. Bill announces that it's his 16th and final visit with Dave.

Haaz Sleiman, a Muslim, does a fine job of playing Jesus. Kelsey Grammer plays King Herod. It's going to be a great TV movie. Bill has another project in the works, but he's not at liberty to announce it yet.

Let's talk about politics? What about Senator Ted Cruz? Bill likes him, and his "well-needed candor." He doesn't think the straight shooter is going to win. He's a traditional, unapologetic conservative, and he announced at Liberty University, Jerry Falwell's school.

Is this enough for the Republicans? "No." Bill says they'll need a platform that will draw some minority voters... especially Hispanics, and they'll need to appeal to conservative women. I found it interesting that Bill said Cruz will begin well to the right in Iowa and New Hampshire, then will move closer to the middle as the campaign goes on. There will be eight to 10 candidates.

What about Hillary? Her outcome will depend on whether a House investigative committee goes after her, and gets her under oath to testify about those pesky e-mails. If they find anything, she's finished. If not, she's good. Hillary has the nomination, unless it's "derailed by something beyond her control."

What about Pete Rose and the Hall of Fame? Bill says Pete should be in the Hall of Fame. He's paid the price. Dave says Pete's accomplishments and adoration are "bigger than the Hall of Fame." Bill adds that Pete's accomplishments were "without the juice."

Bill's never been suspended for anything. Dave hasn't either, but probably could have been. (He was fired for that weather report whopper about hailing canned hams, back in Indianapolis.)

The discussion turns to Brian Williams. Bill thinks NBC should - and will - bring him back, but likely in a different capacity. Brian told one of his helicopter stories on the Late Show. Bill says what happens is you get on and you don't want to be boring, so "you get in this story-telling mode." Brian got a little carried away. Dave agrees that NBC should bring Brian back. Then there was the recent claim that Bill said something untrue... 38 years ago! Bill says he what he reported was accurate, and he proved it. His viewership is up 20%... the highest it's ever been.

Now, for the goodbye. Bill says,

"Look... I'm gonna miss you. You know what? Letterman and I, over the years, have sparred around, and we've had a little contention and this and that, but he always had me back, I always got my say, and uh, I'm happy to be on here and to say to you, farewell, and I hope you do very well."
(Dave): "That's very kind of you. You've always been a great guest." (handshake and cut to commercial)

(interview video)

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: eight beautiful females... none who've ever called me ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our experts help you choose the right name for your CPR dummy." ••• desk chat: Dave introduces Anton's son, Aaron Fig, 12, who's been sitting in on tambourine, etc. all night. •••
Aubrey Plaza, who I'm kind of fascinated with, is on to plug Ned Rifle, which opens on April 1. This movie is the third in a trilogy. The first, Henry Fool (1997), is one of my favorites, and I have a DVD of it setting about six feet away. Henry Fool is a rogueish, arrogant, unemployed drifter who injects himself into the lives of Simon Grim (James Urbaniak) and his hot sister, Fay Grim (Parker Posey, who I've always had a crush on). Fay Grim (2006) is the second in the trilogy. I've seen it, but it never caught my attention the way Henry Fool did. When Aubrey said she's in a Hal Hartley movie, I said, "Of course!"

Did I mention that I love Aubrey? She's wearing a simple, short black cocktail dress, perfect for plugging a dark movie. I think what I like about her is she isn't pretentious. She doesn't smile much... just plays it cool, with her deadpan approach. Aubrey says, "My people would love it if I smiled more, if I was more approachable."

Ned Rifle is the son of Henry Fool and Fay Grim. (Henry Fool, in the first movie, had the outrageous bathroom diarrhea scene when he learned that Fay was pregnant with Ned.) The movie, by the way, has already won an award at the Berlin Film Festival.

Aubrey's character has been described as "a family stalker." In this dark comedy, she's just been released from a mental institution, and begins her stalking career with the Fool family.

Out of commercials, Dave advises Aubrey that she looks great, then asks about her health, since she had a bad stroke 10 years ago, at the ridiculously young age of 20. She's completely recovered. In fact, she's on a Los Angeles basketball team named The Pistol Shrimps. She's the point guard, and she has zero assists per game. There are 24 teams in their league. In fact, she's the sponsor of a competing team.

We see a clip from the movie, with Liam Aiken. He was 7 when in Henry Fool in 1997, and now he's 24. We finally get a big smile from Aubrey at the end, when she informs Dave that she'll call him tomorrow.

(interview video)

••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/25/15 [4181]: "From a restaurant supply store on the Bowery, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• (Leon Pendarvis, unannounced, is sitting in with Paul.) •••

MONOLOGUE:

We have the holidays, then tax season sneaks up on you. (Dave): "You got a good accountant? You've gotta get yourself a good accountant. Geez... whenever I go there... to my accountant's office, I'm always taken up in the elevator blindfolded. I don't know why. Blindfolded. Up in the elevator. He says... my accountant says, 'Look, Dave... in the event that you are audited, I will see to it that you get a new name, and a new face.' I said, 'I'm worried about having money for retirement.' He said, 'Aww, don't worry. You'll get your cut.' " (Dave's accountant, as we all know, is Fred Nigro.)

A poll or study indicates that fictional presidents, such as Harrison Ford in Air Force One, are more popular than Obama. "Get off my plane!" Dave guesses that things would be different if Obama didn't have to work with a fictional Congress.

••• Ted Cruz has announced for the presidency, and it seems Donald Trump may run. Now Senator Lindsey Graham may toss in his hat. / "Lindsey Graham: Man with a Plan" / video:
(title graphic and news show music)

(Sen. Graham): "What is the environmental platform of the Republican Party? I don't know, either."

(title graphic and news show music)

••• Senator Ted Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta. (me): It's OK for him to run for president, because his mother was born in Delaware, so Jus sanguinis, which I learned about in high school, applies. Here's a statement from the land of Canada. / video:
(clip): Senator Cruz on the campaign trail

(voice-over): "American voters should be aware that while presidential candidate Ted Cruz was, in fact, born in Canada, he has renounced his Canadian citizenship. One down. One to go."

(photo): Mr. Justin Bieber

(Canadian flag graphic and voice-over): "Canada. Your friendly neighbor to the north."

••• "Great Moments in Presidential Campaign Speeches" / video:
(title graphic and theme music)

(Ronald Reagan): "They are the kind of men and women Tom Paine had in mind when he wrote, 'We have it in our power to begin the world over again.' "

(William Jefferson Clinton): "As the scripture says, our eyes have not yet seen, nor our ears heard, nor our minds imagined, what we... can... build!"

(Ted Cruz): "Let me quote the movie, Jerry Maguire."

(title graphic and theme music)

••• A few days ago, Pope Francis performed a half-miracle, "venerating" a vial of blood of St. Gennaro, when it partially liquefied. It happened again! / video:
(title graphic and choir music): "The Half-Miracles of Pope Francis"

(voice-over with Italian accent): "February 11th, in the Year of Our Lord 2014, after a long day greeting faithful followers, Pope Francis turns sour cream and Lipton Soup Mix® into delicious onion dip."

(FX): sparklies appear when the potion is served

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Half-Miracles of Pope Francis.' "

(title graphic and choir music):

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Inspirational Message for Grain Farmers: Winnowing isn't everything, it's the only thing." / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2

Man! Why did we have to go to commercials? The CBSO played Wilson Pickett's "In the Midnight Hour."

TTL montage

instant classic desk chat:

"A couple of weeks ago, Paul and I were lucky enough to be asked to perform at a little tribute... a little gala... a little live show, that was taking place at Avery Fisher Hall... Lincoln Center." (to Paul): "You've probably worked there before. It was my first time working at Avery..." (Paul): "Beautiful hall, isn't it?" (Dave): "Tremendous hall. Perfect. Just ideal, and they said, 'Would you mind coming over to rehearsal?' And I said, 'Absolutely not! I believe that rehearsing is the key to a successful show.' (Paul): "Ha! How about... by the way... you never rehearse this show. You have never set foot in this studio for a rehearsal." (Dave): "That proves my point."

"Now, listen. So, Paul and I show up, and Paul's gonna play the piano, and we're backstage, and the wings are always bustling with people during rehearsal... stagehands, and other performers, and people you know. And Carole King was there. And somebody that Paul and I both know for a long time, Lou Adler, who is an historic and iconic... a multi-honored music producer, Lou Adler, who's been in the business forever... He's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame." (Paul): "He has produced everybody... The Mamas and Papas... on down." (Dave): "Yes." (Paul): "Johnny Rivers, Carole King's 'Tapestry'... " (Dave): "A key figure in the world of popular music." (Paul): "Very much revered." (Dave): "And I remembered him. I think he was on the old show, or hanging around the old show, or whatever, and I say, 'Oh, Lou. Dave Letterman. Nice to see you again,' and he said, 'Oh, hi, Dave.' And then he spoke to Paul. Paul knows him and everything."

"So we were patiently waiting in the wings, now, for our rehearsal. And onstage, at the beautiful grand piano, is a 10½-year-old kid named Justin. And so Justin comes out, and we don't think anything... don't think anything of it. 'Obviously, he's gonna play the piano, and I'll bet he's pretty good.' It's Avery Fisher Hall. So Justin sits down and begins to play a famous piano concerto, which I don't recognize, and not only does he play it, he elevates the piece of music to something perfect. It's perfection! It's literally jumping from the keyboard! The kid is a true prodigy. 10½ years old. And he does some of this, and he does some of that. And then he goes back like... And I'm thinkin', 'My son likes to play with Legos.' So... Am I right?" (Paul): "He really was a phenomenon." (Dave): "The place... I'm tellin' you. You could have heard a pin drop. This kid is a genius. Now, because I'm always thinkin' about my own situation, I think, 'Holy crap! We have to follow Justin on the big show tonight!' And of course Paul and I have got nothin' after the 10½-year-old music prodigy. I mean, it would have been nine or 10 encores, and then a couple more piano concertos, and then Paul and I'd have been in a cab."

(Paul): "Here's our Top Ten list. What are you gonna do with it?"

(Dave, ignoring Paul): "So, I see Lou Adler, and everybody backstage is stunned, and I say, 'Lou, Lou. Come here.' And now, to express my concern about having to follow the kid, I make the following joke... intended as a joke... delivered as a joke. I say to Lou, 'Lou, get rid of the kid.' " (Paul): "It was hilarious, because the kid was brilliant, and he's obviously gonna steal the show. And he's a huge... the thing is all about kids and their talent and everything."

(Dave): "So now we all laugh, and I'm not payin' attention, and where one thing and another... and I realize I don't know where Lou has gone. I look out onstage and here's Lou. Here's where the kid is, and here's Lou." (Lou, bent over the kid, whispering): 'Uh, look. We're gonna have to... could you just... Could you just get out of here?' (Paul): "Firing him." (Dave): "He's... he's running the kid!" (Paul): "Took you seriously... It was embarrassing..." (Dave): "Oh, it was horrible! So now I run out onstage, and I say, 'Oh, for the love of God, Lou, it's a joke! Let the kid stay!' But, I mean, he had him out the door!" (Paul): "When the king speaks, it's the king's speech." (Dave): "You can't go anywhere! And you tell that story, and somebody will say, 'Well, that's the mark of a good producer.' But he had his arm around the kid..." (Something got the aaoogah horn at this point.) (Lou): 'He don't want you on. You've gotta... have your mom swing by and pick you up, 'cause you're not gonna be on the show.' You know what I'm sayin'? 'You're not on this boat. Can you take a later flight, because you're not goin' with us.' 'No, him. Over there. Letterman.'

(Dave): "Did we open the thing, or not?"

••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Ted Cruz / #10: Was never elected to Congress, just started showing up / #6: Filibusters in his sleep •••
James Franco, in his ninth visit to the show, plugs True Story, which opens on April 17. (James thinks this is his 10th visit. Nope. Don Giller and I agree it's #9.)

Dave wants to talk about the big kerfuffle over The Interview, his film with Seth Rogen, which prompted North Korea to hack Sony Pictures when they learned that it made fun of Kimberly Jong Un. Then there were threats to the theaters that meant to show it. It had to go to the Internet. Dave says they had every right to release the film, except for the possibility that something awful might happen.

After commercials, Dave shows art work that James dreamed up: "Fat Seal," "Fat Squirrel," "Fat Stallion" and "Fat Corgi." He commissioned a pet portrait artist to paint them, then sold them for charity, I think.

James loves cats. He always has, and he gets them in pairs.

The movie, says IMDB, is about the relationship between a journalist and an FBI Most Wanted List murderer, who for years lived outside the U.S. under the journalist's name. Jonah Hill co-stars.

(full interview on YouTube)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I saw your interesting commercial recently. I remember it clearly..." (Alan has a chin rub, stops speaking and begins a daydream. / FX: harp music) •••
Jake Johannsen is here for his 42nd appearance with Dave (17 on LNDL and 25 on LSDL). He'll be at The Punchline in San Francisco from April 2 - 4. I don't think I've ever summarized a comedian's stand-up routine, but I thought Jake's was especially good tonight. Oh, I forgot. Check out his web site, www.jakethis.com.

Jake's routine is about marriage. He's been married for 13 years, and wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. He's heard about wife swapping, but the result is another wife. Hey... how about swapping wifey for a boat in the summer?

Jake's 54. Now he and the Mrs. are about the age of all those couples in the "sex pill" ads. (He's not mentioning a brand, because he's holding out for an endorsement.) The ads give the idea that women might want to do it at any moment, and men his age had better be ready... NOW!

Then there's the whole matter of scheduling. When you're married, every morning you have to have a logistical debriefing about where are you going, and when are you coming back? Then there's, "Why didn't you answer my text?" What if hubby messes up and forgets something he was supposed to do, and it's like "I'm part of a think thank, to ruin your dreams!" He does his best, but maybe he's not as smart as was once thought. "Is this how you would treat a special needs person?"

"I had to apologize once to my wife where I said, 'Listen, I'm really sorry, but I cannot promise you that this will not happen again, because I still don't understand the difference between what I did... and what you wish I had done.' "

"I don't think polygamy should be a crime. I think it should be a punishment."

Thus endeth Jake's awesome, 27-year relationship with Dave's shows.

(YouTube)

••• "Steve Young's Backstage Oddities": I don't know what I was seeing. ••• Rapper Action Bronson is the musical guest, with his special guest Chance the Rapper, for "Baby Blue." It's from the CD "Mr. Wonderful." (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/26/15: REPEAT FROM 3/13/15

3/27/15: REPEAT FROM 3/18/15

3/30/15 [4182]: "From a crude lean-to, deep in the Maine woods, it's the Late Show with Dave... Davey... David Letterman." ••• (I think the "Davey" introduction resulted from the pre-show Q&A... not that it's any of my business.)

MONOLOGUE:

audience shout out: "Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Dave... Davey... David Letterman."

"You ever been out there to Coney Island? They've got the world's oldest wooden roller coaster... the Cyclone. Anybody ever ridden the Cyclone? Listen to this. They opened it up last weekend, and the thing got stuck. Like, hundreds of people stuck on the Cyclone, and fortunately... fortunately, thank God, the captain was able to land it in the Hudson."

"I thought this was coincidental. Speaking of roller coasters, ever since I announced my retirement, I myself have been stuck on an emotional roller coaster." (Paul): "That... that was the punchline?" (Dave): "Let me double check. (Todd flips the cards.) (Dave): "No! That was it!"

"Neil Patrick Harris on the program tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Yup. He's here. I believe he's under the impression this is an awards show."

Dave's telling us about the Secret Service, the platinum standard of agencies of its type, and in the process of his joke, coins the phrase prostitutional people. That was a good one!

••• Dave was watching an awards show last night from iHeartRADIO, and has some clips from their awards show. / "iHeartRADIO 2015 Music Awards: Low Point / High Point" video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "Low point."

(clip): Madonna, who needs no introduction, is onstage. She looks around for guidance or a cue, raises a microphone and says, "And..."

(voice-over): "High point."

(same exact clip): Madonna, who needs no introduction, is onstage. She looks around for guidance or a cue, raises a microphone and says, "And..."

(voice-over): "This has been the 'iHeartRADIO 2015 Music Awards: Low Point / High Point.' "

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Senator Harry Reid will not seek re-election, and Dave has highlights of his long career. / "Senator Harry Reid Career Highlight" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(C-SPAN 2 video of Senator Reid, conducting Senate business): "258, 259, 261, 262, 263, 264, 338, 339, 340, 344, 345, 346, 403, 422, 450, 456, 493, 494, 495, 496, 499, 500, 501, 502, 504..."

(title graphic and patriotic music)

(me): It's like shooting fish in a barrel. All I had to do is bring up "Senator Harry Reid Presents Three-Digit Numbers" from 2/20/12 [3632] in the master file, and cut and paste!

(Dave): "Harry says he wants to spend more time with his family. I always say, 'Check with your family.' "

••• How about another "Senator Harry Reid Career Highlight?" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(C-SPAN 2 video of Senator Reid): "That's what she said."

(title graphic and patriotic music)

(me): Episode logs are easy. All I had to do is bring up "Republicans vs. Democrats" from 10/03/13 [3915] in the master file, and cut and paste! OK... this time it would have been easier to shut up and type it.

•••
Dave reminds us that One Direction were on the show. It was 12/07/12 [3770]. They started with an interview on a giant couch, and Dustin Hoffman sneaked out and kissed one. Anyway, Zayn Malik has "gone another direction." / Todd Seda is shocked at the news. "What?" the aging intern hollers. "Wow," he adds, "That's just too baaaaad." He casts aside the cue cards and commences singing and break dancing or moon walking, or whatever the kids call it these days. OK... Todd's 32, but who cares? He's still gettin' it done.

After his amazing performance, he speaks to the camera: "Hit me up on LinkedIn, girl." (linkedin.com/toddtheintern) Then Todd makes a kissy face at the camera.

(Dave): "Don't ever do that again, Todd."

(video)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: A mailbox raises its red flag to intimidate rivals and attract mates." / a plug for DeVry University •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

Out of commercials, Dave brings up an iPhone picture. It's Dave shaking hands with Indy Car bigshot Graham Rahal, so obviously Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing had a gig yesterday. (Remember the 90s, when writer Larry Jacobson would play Bobby Rahal on Late Night?) Mike Lanigan signed onto the owners' group after Dave, who's not sure where Mike gets his bucks. It may have something to do with dump trucks. Dave and Paul visit about the photo and the race team. The picture is either pre-race or post-race. Dave brought up the picture to show a Steak 'n Shake logo on Graham's racing jumpsuit. Since Dave's leaving TV, he wants to give back to Steak 'n Shake, his neighbors at 1695 Broadway.

Here's a link to Dave's 10-minute plug for them on 1/12/12, when Jayci Tincher came over with an order. (video) I wish the CBSO would have reprised their "Steakburger" song for Steak 'n Shake tonight.

Dave reminds us of his discovery of the chain as a teenager in Indy. Looking again at the photo, he sees two jumpsuited male crew members in "take a leak" configuration. "Caught on camera! What is going on with the team?"

Dave has a brainstorm. If only he could get the photo out of the phone, so he could send it next door. He summons Mary Barclay, who happens to be a few feet away. She accepts the iPhone and scurries backstage. Exactly 22 seconds later, Mary returns with a humongous, mounted version of the photo.

At this point an outside camera has made its way to the Steak 'n Shake counter, and Dave visits with PhaLove1, who's worked there since Day One. (She gets Jan. 12 right, but misses the year. They opened in 2012... not 2011.) Dave orders milk shakes for him and Paul and Doogie, then Biff delivers and hangs the photo, and everyone lived happily ever after.

(me): Happily ever after... except the customers who notice the race car boys taking a leak while waiting on their orders.)

(me 2): Can you imagine the amount of crap the other guys on the racing crew are going to give the two leak takers over the next few days?

(complete video)   (YouTube)

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• desk chat: Dave has his vanilla shake. He says, "A lot of shakes are watered down. This is like grout." •••
Neil Patrick Harris drops by to plug a yet-unnamed variety show on NBC. The festivities begin with a vanilla shake, delivered by Pat Farmer. Neil removes an inch of the anti-germ paper from the straw, blows the remainder off toward the audience and gets the glass-breaking FX from the control room. He pretends he can't get any of the treat through the straw, then observes, "It's like grout."

No surprise... Dave wants to know about the family. The kids, Gideon and Harper, are four and adorable. Neil's husband, David Burtka, is appearing in previews for It Shoulda Been You, a Broadway play directed by David Hyde Pierce. Watch for it at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre, 256 W. 47th St., opening April 14.

Neil's playing Mr. Mom now. David studied to be a chef at Pasadena's Le Cordon Bleu, so meals under his supervision were impressive, and no problem whatsoever. Now Neil's opening oatmeal packets. Dave reports that when Regina's away at breakfast time, he and Harry wait for lunch.

Neil says, "Listen. I just want to say how super-appreciative I am to be here. This is my 17th time being on the show, and I think, realistically, this may be my last time to be on the show. My first time I was on was 25 years ago." He bowled down a hallway, trying to hit milk cartons. He did magic on the show, too. (The first time my LNDL log shows him on was 4/10/90, obviously 25 years ago. Oh... now I've looked closer at the entry, and sure enough, before Neil came on for his interview, we had Mike Alby bowling in the hallway.) Neil recalls a gag where he'd pretend to be electrocuted by the desk microphone, so he and the control room reprise that FX stunt.

Back to the compliments, Neil says to Dave, "You have been a spectacular host and entertainer."

Now to the variety show... Supposedly they've been following people around... unknown to them... for months. They make random things happen to them. It sure sounds like Candid Camera. "Roll 'em, Julio!" It runs an hour, and will be on for 10 weeks.

We close with a bumper: clips of the kids. Gideon says, "Congratulations," and Harper says, "I don't know David Letterman."

(full interview on YouTube)

••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by J C Penney's Home Collections. ••• TTL setup: There's all kinds of controversy over the Scientology documentary, Going Clear, set to open on May 16. (Paul claims he used to ride the e-meter.) ••• Top Ten Signs You're in a Lame Cult / #5: Founded by L. Ron Howard ••• Steve Young's Backstage Oddities: It looks like a gold cape. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, the inspiring story of a man who successfully sued the poltergeists that damaged his home furnishings." •••
Charlie Cox plugs Marvel's Daredevil, set to run on the Netflix soon, in 13 episodes. Dave seems to like to binge-watch series like this.

We're lucky to have Mr. Cox with us. He got hold of some questionable prosciutto over the weekend, and he may urp at any moment... with the slightest provocation. Well, actually, he's medicated, and that has him sleepy. He toughs it out, and we wish him a speedy recovery. And... I learned a new word tonight.

••• The Suffers, in their network TV debut, sing a "Gwan" from their album "Make Some Room." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: the "leak taking" photo, hanging in Steak 'n Shake (until folks at the corporate office see tonight's episode, and order a recall on the whizzers)

Mr. Corden has Aubrey Plaza on tonight. I'm having difficulty focusing on my episode log assignment. She just told a fun story about Jenny, her pirate roommate in Ghana.

3/31/15 [4183]: "From a place indicated by a red pin on a map, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

A VERY FUN MONOLOGUE TONIGHT:

"The Atlanta Falcons, a team in the NFL... they have been fined and lost a draft pick because through their loudspeaker system at the stadium, they have been using fake crowd noise. So you have the real crowd, and they jump it up with some sort of high-volume, amplified fake crowd sound. I mean... it's the same setup I have in my bedroom."

"Now... the New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track."

"And by the way... here at the Late Show, the silence you hear is real."

"Al Gore... 67. 67 candles. There's your global warming!"

••• "News for Teens" / video:
(animated title graphic and rockin' theme song)

(graphic and female voice-over): "Bad News for Teens."

(etalk anchor): "Zayn Malik is leaving One Direction."

(cllp): teen girls weeping uncontrollably

(graphic and female voice-over): "Good News for Teens."

(Fox News anchor): "Craig T. Nelson is coming back to the sidelines. Coach is making a comeback."

(cllp): teen girls screaming like they've just seen Intern Todd

(graphic and female voice-over): "BRB LOL!"

••• We've all seen security videos of deliver people tossing packages over fences. Check out this wacky delivery. / video:
We see what looks like a white USPS truck, just arriving in a driveway. The female driver doesn't seem to have a uniform on, but the driver's side is on the right. She flings a little package farther into the yard, then trots back to the vehicle. What? No! She's making victory laps around the truck! We see 4½ laps. It should be noted that Dave provides a very fine play-by-play on her stunt.
••• It's another in the series, "Senator Harry Reid Career Highlight" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(interview video): "We have in America today, many, many states. I don't know the exact number."

(title graphic and patriotic music)

••• "Governor Mike Pence Answering the Tough Questions" / video:
(title graphic and intro music: "PM Theme")

(clip): Governor Pence, at a lectern: "Thank you all for coming."

We hear a series of deep breaths, as Gov. Pence leans from side to side. Back and forth he goes. Thirty seconds later, after he's good and hyperventilated, he giggles and says, "No comment."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I blame Wheel of Fortune for the over-commercialization of vowels." / a plug for Nationwide •••

ACT 2

Dave grabs the DAVE phone. I call it that because it says "DAVE" where the number's supposed to be. I was hoping for Jeff Altman, or even Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol. Nope. It's our enemy, Mohammad Javad Zarif, Iranian foreign minister. Let's see what that rascal has to say about nuclear material.

(Dave): "Hello. How are you feeling today, Mr. Zarif?"

(Mo): "Oh, thank you for having me, Dave. I'm great! I totally called Michigan State making it to the Final Four, you know? Tom Izzo is Mr. March! / rim shot

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. I'm sorry. What was that sound I heard?"

(Mo): "Oh, that's my deputy foreign minister, Hakim, on drums." / rim shot

(Dave): "Now Mr. Zarif, is there anything specific you would like to say to the American people? Now is your time."

(Mo): "Oh, yes. Thank you. Just let me assure you, we will not use nuclear power for nuclear weapons!"

(Dave): "Good. Good."

(Mo): "We only want it homes and businesses, schools, restaurants, government buildings, your airports, street lamps, amusement parks, microwave ovens, rotisseries, rice cookers, waffle irons, toaster ovens, adding machines, computers, fax machines, photocopiers, vending machines, escalators, washers, dryers, dishwashers, refrigerators, treadmills, televisions, oscillating fans, DVD players, XBOX, ice cream makers, crock pots, and, uh, sandwich presses. Yes."

(Dave): "Yes. Nuclear-powered sandwich presses. Well, I appreciate that. We get..."

(Mo): "Hold it. One more thing, Dave."

(Dave): "Yes."

(Mo): "Since I was working on this deal, I didn't get to attend the Justin Bieber roast. Would it be OK if I told a quick joke?"

(Dave): "Oh, sure. It's fine. Go ahead."

(Mo): "Justin Bieber looks so feminine, that in my country, he wouldn't be allowed to drive a car." / rim shot

(Dave): "Wow, that... that really... that really was a zinger. Now, Mr. Foreign Minister, before you go, I'd just like to ask you one more..."

(Mo hangs up.)


the DAVE phone
(photo courtesy of me)
••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by J. C. Penney's Home Collections. / Top Ten Guys Indiana Governor Mike Pence Looks Like / #6 is a shout out to the "audience get acquainted guy." / #2: The guy who arrives at his high school reunion in a rented Lamborghini / This came out of nowhere. Dave checks with Todd to see if his plan to rent a Lamborghini for a weekend (for free) is in place. Yup. 10-4 on the Lamborghini, and Todd doesn't have to pay for it. It's no big deal... he's just going to Taco Bell®. •••
David Duchovny plugs Aquarius, premiering on May 28 on NBC. The CBSO plays him on with The 5th Dimension's "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In." Mr. Duchovny, as many recent guests are doing, interrupts to deliver his testimonial to Dave.

"I just want to... before we get goin'... I first came here in 1993, and it was... when I got invited to do David Letterman, it was a big deal... such a big deal for me as a young actor. Not that young, but as a young actor. And I always wanted for you to announce me as 'my good friend, David Duchovny,' and I think you did that once or twice. And that was just... you know, it was like show business heaven, at the time." (Dave): "Our good friend, David Duchovny, ladies and gentlemen." (Duchovny): "I know you're not into it, but I will miss you, and you will be missed." (Dave then shows him Mike McIntee's blue card that says, "our good friend.")

(me): I can't find him in 1993. The first visit I have is 1/17/95 [310]. Sometimes I'm wrong. I have tonight as his visit #18.

The show is about a 1960s cop who goes undercover to track Charles Manson and the Manson family before their murder spree.

The X-Files is due to return in 2016. David will go to work on it after he finishes the 13 Aquarius episodes. By the way, David has quite an interesting bio on IMDB. He was educated at both Princeton and Yale. His ancestry is half Jewish and half Scottish. (YouTube)

How about the kids? He has a son, age 12, and feels he's the setup guy for the kids' jokes. David has undertaken some adventures so his kids can see him learning something in front of them. The idea is for them to see him suck at first, then stick with it and get better. Examples are playing guitar and skiing. In fact, David has a song and album, "Hell or Highwater," that's due on iTunes on May 12.

••• "Prove Me Wrong with Alan Kalter" /
(CBSO): the haunting and beautiful theme song (.mp3)

(Alan at his perch, with a stunning photo of Natalie Portman onscreen)

(Alan): "Thank you, Dave. Natalie Portman: Harvard graduate, social activist, Academy Award winning actress. But did you know that Natalie is also the head of a ruthless smuggling ring, that sells untaxed, bootleg cigarettes in over 30 states, as well as parts of Canada?"

(close up)

(Alan, sternly): "Prove... me... wrong!"

(CBSO plays a few dramatic notes of music)

(Mike McIntee with a disclaimer): "The views of Alan Kalter are his own and do not reflect the opinions of David Letterman, the Late Show, or CBS. Complaints, lawsuits, pantsuits, jumpsuits, and any evidence disproving Alan's claims may be directed to: Alan Kalter   c/o Prove Me Wrong!   1697 Broadway   New York, NY 10019."

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's Eddie Valk as Jesus, who will be seen in "Finding Jesus" tomorrow night. (Eddie's name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Anyone else having trouble finding the latest hits released on Cassingle?" •••

Josh Gad plugs The Comedians, an FX series premiering on April 9. IMDB: "A veteran comedian is reluctantly paired with a younger, edgier comedian for a late-night comedy sketch show." The veteran comedian would be Mr. Billy Crystal, who has scribbled out some words to the wise for Josh to keep in mind during his Dave encounter this evening. Billy advised him to "not fawn over Paul." Josh apparently isn't sure who Paul is. Or... maybe pretending he didn't know Paul was his way of not fawning. •••

Houndmouth sing "Sedona" from the brand new album, "Little Neon Limelight." Their song sounds a lot better on my iTunes than on my crummy TV speaker. Learn all about them itunes.com/houndmouth. I also have their earlier album, "From the Hills Below the City." My favorites on it are "Penitentiary" and "Ludlow."

I love their singer and keyboard babe, @KatieToupin. She had a really cool, sparkly black pantsuit on tonight.

••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper photo: Dave with an unknown female

Well, no videos from tonight's telecast. WIBW-TV had nonstop weather warnings all over the screen tonight. It seems that Cloud, Republic and Washington counties will be wiped off the face of the earth momentarily. That'll teach 'em!

By the way, I have Corden on while I produce this waste of time. 1) His guests enter via a stairway in the audience area. Katie Couric, unknown to Corden, hired a stuntwoman, attired in a matching dress, who wiped out at the top of the stairs, and tumbled down the entire stairway. Then real Katie appeared at the top, with "April Fools." She totally got him! 2) James has Emmy Rossum on tonight, and I'm wondering if I've ever seen anyone so beautiful.

4/01/15 [4184]: Mike McIntee announces for Alan: "From the tool shed behind the garage, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• David Sanborn's sitting in! •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Do you like the April Fool's Day pranks? My son is at that age where he... Here's what he did to me today, because I didn't know. I forgot it was April Fools. He switched my Lipitor® with my Flomax®."

"I love Indiana. I was born in Indiana. All my friends are in Indiana, but I think Indiana's gone nuts. Today they banned same-sex carpools."

"Ladies and gentlemen, listen to this. President Obama... I think this'll be the third or fourth time... he's going to Kenya... taking a trip to Kenya. He and his wife, going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' "

"Marco Rubio is going to announce that he's running for president. It's a big month for Marco Rubio. He's also announced... last week... that he's leaving One Direction." / Cut to Todd Seda, who's not wearing one of his plaid shirts. It's some kind of cool guy outfit, with a gold chain. Todd gives the camera "that look," raises his eyebrows seductively, and gives the ladies a little kissy face. Dave brings this nonsense to a halt.

••• "Not Nominated for a Daytime Emmy Award" / video:
(title graphic and action-adventure music)

(clip): A lady is cooking something. She sets butter pats or cheese pieces, I guess, on top of a toast slice in a toaster.

(woman, whose calm demeanor suddenly changes): "Oh, no! No! Dirty, dirty!" She grasps the toaster and holds it under the sink faucet.

(FX): blinding light / sounds of electrical arcing

The nice lady's flat on her back, the toaster's in a sinkful of water, sizzling and steaming, and thus ends our not-nominated performance. (We're not being told she's OK.)

(title graphic and suspense show music)

••• There's a TV series for the Easter season, Finding Jesus: Faith. Fact. Forgery., a CNN documentary. How about a clip? / video:
(title graphic and suspense show music)

(clip): We see a distinguished gentleman... likely a former police officer... in what seems to be a modern office suite in a 90-year-old building on Broadway. With a concerned expression, he walks around, a bit frustrated. What could be the matter?

(distinguished gentleman): "Jesus? Come on out. Where are you, Jesus? Jesus? Come on out, Jesus!"

(voice-over): "More Finding Jesus, after these messages."

(title graphic and suspense show music)

••• How about more Finding Jesus? / video:
(title graphic and suspense show theme music)

(clip): We see the distinguished gentleman, still on his quest for the Messiah.

(distinguished gentleman): "Jesus? Come on out. Jesus? Jesus? Jesus?" He turns into another room, and suddenly he has a big, relieved smile. "Hey, there you are!" Hollering down the hall to the rest of the search party, he exclaims, "Look! I found Him!"

What do you know? Jesus (or Dan Fogelberg... we're not sure) is in a break room, operating a microwave oven. "Oh, hey. I was just heating up my burrito."

(Fade to black.)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching Finding Jesus. Good night."

(title graphic and game show music)

(me): 1. Jesus has to use a microwave oven? Why didn't he just miracle some warmth on that burrito? 2. Michael Z. McIntee starred as the search and rescue party. 3. Eddie Valk played Jesus.

(video)

••• interruption: Alan Kalter bustles across the stage in front of Dave.
(Alan): "So sorry I'm late, Dave. I'm sorry."

(Dave): "What? Wait a minute, Alan. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Wait a minute. What's goin' on? The show... we just started the show. What's the deal?"

(Alan, softly): "Well, it's... it's personal, Dave."

(Dave): "OK. OK, I understand, but try..."

(Alan): "I would have been here. It's just that something happened of a... a personal nature."

(Dave): "It's personal?"

(Alan): "Personal."

(Dave): "So you're late because it was personal?"

(Alan): "Mmm hmm."

(Dave): "Alright, well, try to be more prompt."

(Alan): "You know, I wish I could tell you."

(Dave): "Huh? What?"

(Alan): "Seriously, I wish I could tell you."

(Dave): "Well, I think you have. I think you mentioned it..."

(Alan): "It's just a little... it's just a little personal."

(Dave): "It's personal."

(Alan): ?

(Dave): "Alright, but please don't let it happen again, Alan."

(Alan): "OK."

(Dave): "I mean, we all have... Now what?"

(Alan, tiptoeing over to Dave): "I'll give you a hint."

(Dave): "OK."

(Alan, whispering): "

(Dave): "What the...?"

(Alan): "Burns like hell!"

(Dave): "OK."

(audience applause)

(Dave): "He's special, isn't he? Ladies and gentlemen, it's Paul Shaffer!"

(me): Oh, no! Was the audience clapping for a case of the clap?

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Money Saving Tip: Instead of buying a treadmill, ask a grocery store manager if you can run on a checkout conveyor belt." •••

ACT 2

David Sanborn's in. Dave reminds us that Mr. Sanborn is the gentleman who invented the saxophone. "Built his very first saxophone in the prison metal shop!" Paul has David's new record! The six-time Grammy winner's latest is Time and the River. Its release date is April 7. ••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by JC Penney's Home Collections. ••• TTL setup: Willie Nelson is endorsing his own brand of weed, Willie's Reserve™. (news from Denver)

Top Ten Least Popular Celebrity-Endorsed Products

10. The United States Secret Service Home Security System

9. Keith Richards Age-Defying Facial Cream

8. Eau du Cheney

7. Tom Hanks' Spanx

6. tie: Vladimir Pudding / Fig Putins

5. Burt Reynolds Wrap

4. Benjamin Netan-Yoo-Hoo

3. Neil Patrick Hairnets

2. Marco Rubio's Spring Water (clip of Marco sneaking a drink last year)

1. Mike Pence's "Non-Gay" Breakfast Sausage Links

•••
Senator Al Franken (D-MN) is on plugging nothing. He hasn't been on since 3/18/08 [2891], 'cause he's been in D.C., working for the people.

The family talk comes first. Al's been a grandpa for 22 months. (He wanted the tyke to call him Senator. Not yet, anyway.)

Indiana has passed a law that I believe allows discrimination against gays. Naturally, Sen. Franken says the governor made a "bad move" by signing it. Al reviews the history of the quest for civil rights in this country, mentioning the 1960s. Now LGBT people don't enjoy the same rights that were fought for back then. They're getting bullied, as well. Al tells about his Jewish father seeing reports on the civil rights movement on TV, and protestors and marchers being attacked, and saying, "No Jew can be for that." Al's Republican father changed parties because of his concern over civil rights. Now Indiana is the latest focus in the civil rights movement. Dave at some point announces that he has embarrassed the state of Indiana, but now he asks Al, "What can I do, now, to make the governor feel uncomfortable?"

The Senator is also concerned about climate change. He says it's a fact. His dad, seeing the Russians launch Sputnik in 1957, wanted him to study math and science, and he did. His brother studied it, went to MIT, then became a photographer, and Al became a satirist. (That's kind of like a scientist, isn't it?) Al goes on to report that China has terrible pollution problems, and if we Americans got busy and figured out what to do about the environment, there are 1.2 billion people in China we could sell the technology to.

Alright, now let's get to Al's tribute to Dave.

"Before we end, and I know that you probably won't like this... I want to say something, about... about you." (Dave interrupts with, "What happened to climate change?") "Climate change is not real. No... I just want to get this in. I know other people are going to say it, but I have enormous respect for you, not just as a comedian. And I don't think people remember this, but you've been the longest-running late night talk show host... ever. You changed comedy. You changed comedy! And... and I can talk about the Steve Allen influence, and the Johnny influence, but you did change comedy. You did such absurd... stuff. But... beyond that, not only you're a great comedian, but a great broadcaster. And by that... what I mean by that... is you have respect for the audience. You have respect for the audience. And you have understood what a responsibility having this show every night for an hour means. And you have been a great caretaker of this time. And you, uh... I just, you know, there have been times like, 9-1-1, comes to mind. But day-to-day, day-to-day, you have been a great broadcaster, and I just wanted to say that, uh, before you become a recluse." (Dave): "That means a great deal to me. I think the world of you, Senator, and keep up the great job you're doing in Washington."
(YouTube)
••• Steve Young's Backstage Oddities: It's a container of OFF! Insect Repellent Aerosol Cheese®. ••• There's no Act 5 Audience Pan, 'cause we hear David Sanborn with the CBSO instead. •••
Billy Eichner's in. I was so excited to learn he was booked again, after his blockbuster appearance on 9/11/14 [4084]. He was plugging Billy on the Street. Then he played "Celebrity Child or Kentucky Derby Winner?" with Dave, which was outrageously and completely funny. Dave loved Billy maniacally screaming at him throughout the contest. (video)

Billy's very upset that Dave's leaving, as he is a huge admirer.

He was on Sesame Street with Michelle Obama recently... something about fruits and vegetables... along with Big Bird. (The after party was insane!) Billy confides that behind the scenes, Big Bird is an ass     .

Watch for a new scripted show, executive produced by Amy Poehler, on HULU.

Now we get to see Billy and Dave in a remote, much as Billy does in Billy on the Street, with lots of screaming at civilians. We remember when Dave used to do "Mr. Curious," back when he was a youngster. Unfortunately, Billy happened to choose some folks who struggled with English, and had no idea who he or Dave were, so a fair number of them didn't engage very well. Still, it was great to see Dave in a remote.

I wouldn't be surprised to see the retired Dave out doing this again with Billy, sometime in the future, and I know we'd all be delighted. Meanwhile, watch for a new season of Billy on the Street on truTV this fall.

••• Alan Kalter says good night. •••

I'd better get this posted. It's 2:30 a.m., and we're having cloud-to-cloud lightning. I want to get this to the server in case the lights go out! (By the way, my Mac Pro has been running for 163 straight days now without a restart. That may end tonight.) We've only had ¼" of rain in Manhattan in the past month! All of a sudden, we're having a cloudburst. Manhattan was 2.55" behind in rainfall this year, so this is awesome.

4/02/15 [4185]: "From a magnificent grove of giant sequoias, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• For the first time since July 2014, possibly because the scrim came up late, Dave bypasses the red column when entering the stage. ••• Paul Shaffer, known for his cool duds and shades, tonight is wearing a jacket that is the yellowest thing I have ever seen. Tom "Bones" Malone has to be proud of him! •••

MONOLOGUE:

"And today... I think the Yankees are in pretty good shape. Alex Rodriguez came to the plate to bunt, and bunted it over the right field fence." (pause) "I think he may be back on the juice."

"Well, I hope you know, the Yankees have not made it to the postseason. I hope they do it this year. But a good sign, early on: they did make it to the preseason."

"And, of course, in basketball this weekend, March Madness... the Final Four. Oh, my God... right here on CBS! You've got Michigan State, you've got Wisconsin, you've got Kentucky, and you have Duke. And they will all play... sure... to determine which city gets to celebrate with a riot."

"Well, it looks like they're very close to a deal with Iran over nuclear weapons. Apparently they're close to some sort of a deal. Dick Cheney said, 'Aw, come on. Give war a chance!' "

"Look at it this way. Even if Iran has a nuclear bomb, they have to drop it from the back of a mule."

Dave then does his best Vladimir Putin impression. (video)

•••
[Uber is new for me. It's an online-based ride service. Earlier this week, an NYPD officer stopped an Uber driver for some parking mishap, and was off-the-charts inappropriate with him. Little did he know, a passenger was rolling high-quality video of the whole encounter. (story) We see a bit of viral video (2.5 million views so far).] / Dave announces that the crazed cop will be throwing out the first pitch at opening day for the Yankees.
••• It's Pat Farmer's interruption #2015-0005. Dave's distracted by Pat during the monologue.
(Dave): "What are you doin', Pat? Pat?"

(Pat): "Yeah?"

(Dave introduces himself.): "Hi... Dave."

(Pat): "Dave, how are you?"

(We see little balls on the stage floor.)

(Dave): "Good. I notice you kneeling there at the stage. What's..." (suddenly all excited) "Ohhhh! I know what this is! It's an Easter candy thing, and we're gonna have an Easter candy thing for the kids!"

(Pat): "Uhh, no. This is rat bait, Dave."

(Dave): "Well, I guess... I guess that can be fun, too."

••• Carly Fiorina, former HP CEO, is going to run for president. Here's "Carly Fiorina Campaign Promise." / video:
(title graphic and "Stars and Stripes Forever")

(clip): Carly, being interviewed, sarcastically says, "You can watch porn all day long."

(title graphic and "Stars and Stripes Forever")

••• Jeb Bush is running for president. He says he's his own man, but he's hiring lots of W's staff, including the nice people who wrote all of W's sight gags and bloopers. / video compilation / Dave calls for the shoe throw, and gets it, too. ••• The state of Indiana's in all kinds of hot water over gay rights advocates. They decided to make a commercial to patch things up. / video:
(clip): a gay rights protest

(voice-over): "Indiana's religious freedom law created the impression that the state may be friendly to gay people, but we'd like to assure you that gay people are welcome everywhere in our great state!"

(animated map of Indiana, with fun city names pinned, one-by-one)

(voice-over): "Whether you're in Indianapolis, Fort Wayne, Evansville, Manville, Coxville, Ballstown, Dickeyville, Gnaw Bone, Bigger, Guy, Licking, French Lick, Floyds Knobs or Dick Johnson."

(farm scene and voice-over): "Indiana: Don't forget to check out Gary!"

(photo): a smiling young dude named Gary

(me): This was like playing "Celebrity Child or Kentucky Derby Winner?" last night. French Lick, Floyds Knobs and Dick Johnson Township? All real.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Oh, sure, if my cat licks its fur, it's normal, but if I lick my cat's fur, it's 'weird.' " / a plug for Hoover air™ cordless •••

ACT 2

CNN has their new Scientology documentary, Going Clear. Today Jim Keyes, who recently left Sony Pictures International to head the Church of Scientology, asked to address North America about this most important matter.

(CBSO): play on Mr. Keyes, as usual, with Dionne Warwick's "What the World Needs Now."

(Jim Keyes, Head Scientist): "Thanks, Dave. Folks, you have heard a lot of malarkey from the nervous Nellies in the so-called 'documentary.' Your pals at Scientology want to turn the page, and get back to doing what we do best: having fun! Great news! We've got a fantastic promotion, suggested by one of our most prominent Scientologists, David Letterman. All this month, drop by any participating Scientology church, center or dark site, and say, 'This is the year I'm going clear!' You'll get a free zap from one of our e-meters." (FX zap) "Ohhhh, that tickles! And you'll also receive one of our signature Scientology hot dogs..." (glamour photo of the frankfurter) "... so delicious, it's a religious experience! Ha ha ha ha ha. It's a terrific deal, and a great introduction to our religion... all thanks to that man right there." (applauds) "Thanks for your time, folks, and remember: When you want science mixed with geology, the answer is Scientology!"

(Mr. Keyes exits the stage.)

(CBSO): "What the World Needs Now"

(YouTube)

••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by JCPenney's Home Collections. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During the Pope's Physical /
10. "Speaking of mass, looks like you've added some."

9. "No, sorry father, you don't need medical marijuana."

8. "Say aaaaah-men."

7. "I don't care what Jenny McCarthy says, you need to be vaccinated."

6. "No need to bless the urine sample."

5. "Cut back on the incense."

4. "Have you tried Pontius Pilates?"

3. "You can't bring the scepter inside the MRI machine."

2. "Turn your hat and cough."

1. "I know you don't use it, bit I still have to take a look at it."

•••
Kelly Ripa is in to plug Live with Kelly Lee and Michael Lee, now in its 27th season, and their upcoming visit to the White House. Kelly enters the stage tanned from vacation, in a cool, dark-plaid blouse and a sparkly, tight, silver skirt. She looks unbelievable. We assume it's no accident that the CBSO play her on with "Hip Hugger." She's 44 years old, and still impossibly cute.

Dave informs Kelly that when she came out in her "little outfit," she reminded him of when he was in high school, and "I was just, kind of, you know... the subhuman guy." Then Kelly claims she was a subhuman, back in the day. She says, "No, I'm telling you. Sometimes a little bit of money helps... fixes all the things that went wrong."

As has become standard, Dave wants to start with a family report. [Kelly went on a talk show on Nov. 4, and announced that 13-year-old Lola doesn't like her. She's very strict.] Dave wants to hear Kelly imitate Lola's "Valley Girl" speech pattern (you know... nasal, with vocal fry). Whoa! The imitation goes on and on and on. There's no mercy. Kelly not only imitates her speech, she itemizes all the points of contention in their household. Kelly's very excited. She knows that Lola's friends will watch tonight's telecast and collect all the talking points, and make fun of Lola mercilessly. Kelly continues with, "Her mouth never closes. It's just a series of tongue maneuvers." Dave thinks this would be "endlessly entertaining," and is thinking of trading Harry for Lola. Then Kelly blabs that Lola cries all the time, even if nothing's wrong. Five minutes into this topic, Dave says, "Well, alright, let's don't dwell on it." Then Kelly continues to dwell on it.

Now, to the Caribbean vacation. Kelly's son, Michael, stepped on a sea urchin. For seven years, the fam's been going to the same place, and she's been hearing about the hot doctor. Aha! The kid's got an emergency, and Kelly needs no urchin to see Dr. Hot. One of her friends, by the way, gets sunburned on purpose so she can take off her clothes in the office. Dr. Hot, who resembles Mr. Letterman, Kelly reports, was quite good-looking. (I didn't know boys could be good-looking.) Anyway, the kids all think you're supposed to pee on sea urchin injuries. Dr. Hot said that's an old wives' tale. (It's all over the Internet, right or wrong.)

Out of commercial, Kelly announces that Dave took off his socks (gray, no doubt) and showed Kelly sea urchin parts still stuck in his big toe.

Kelly is 5' 2½". Michael Strahan is 6' 4½". When they're sitting by each other, they look almost equal in height. It's something about their waists and their legs. Dave sits next to Kelly in guest chair #1. (Why Paul starts playing the Leave it to Beaver theme song may never be known.) Anyway, Kelly flirts and gets comfy with Dave, allowing for plenty of photo op time. It's a great shot, and may rival the Jennifer Lawrence blankie thing from 11/20/13.

YouTube

Kelly closes the visit with another impression of her daughter, who's tagging along on the White House trip, whining about security.

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: I have no idea! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our chemists show you this year's trendiest thermoplastic elastomers." ••• desk chat: Kelly's vacation •••
Aasif Mandvi plugs Halal in the Family, set to premiere on April 9. He plays Archie Bunker. Oh, be quiet... just jokes. The show will have a four-episode run on www.funnyordie.com.

Mr. Mandvi, born in Bombay, grew up in the U.K., but has been in NYC for two decades. He was a correspondent for The Daily Show. While there, he interviewed lots of "crazy people" with islamophobia (a new word for me this week, along with Dave's prostitutional people the other day). The show will look at anti-Muslim bias.

Aasif has a fun story about his dad's introduction to America and Florida. Somebody took him out for brunch, which he thought meant rich Americans knocked back four meals a day. Dad loved American excess.

(YouTube)

••• Fat White Family sing. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/02/15 Note:

James Corden pulled an amazing stunt on the Late Late Show tonight. He and his crew knocked on the door of a random home, to ask if they could do the show in their house. A group of three young adults (two males and one female) welcomed them right in. The LLS did the entire hour from their living room. (Well, except for a game of Hide and Seek.) Beck was the musical guest. One of the guys in the household was a huge fan, with a library of his music, and was delighted as he performed in the kitchen.

Jess, the female in the household, who arrived from Australia in the past month, is movie-star beautiful, and they had her in almost every shot. One of the guests was a zoo director, and among his critters was a baby kangaroo. Talk about a coincidence!

Jeff Goldblum was another guest, and he was a great sport with the unpredictable show.

I think this stunt will get a lot of press. It may not all be positive, because that's the norm with critics, but it'll get some nice publicity for the brand new show.

4/03/15 Note:

Tonight, without any fanfare, we'll see mention of 4/03/15 [4186] being Dave's episode 6,000. It's correct, but with this kind of numbers, there will be some asterisks. There have been 4,186 regular Late Show episodes (counting only those hosted by Dave). Add four prime time specials, for 4,190 on CBS. Add 1,810 Late Night episodes to get 6,000. But... it should be noted that Late Night episode 1416 on 1/16/91 was never broadcast anywhere, anytime. So... it's all about what you want to count. If you count only shows that made it to air, then Late Show episode 4187 on 4/13/15 will be number 6,000.

None of the above includes the 37 guest-hosted episodes on CBS, or the dress rehearsal episode (taped in August 1993) that was never aired. For a closer look at Dave's episode count on CBS, I have a PDF for that! I update it at the end of each month.

4/03/15 [4186]: "From the world's largest dirigible hangar, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• For the second time since July, Dave bypasses the red column when entering the stage. •••

MONOLOGUE:

It's the latest mysterious audience shout out: "Welcome to the Final Four. I'm Coach Tom Izzo."

"You folks plannin' on payin' taxes this year? You gonna pay the taxes? I'm not. I'm not payin' 'em. I have just not had that great a year. You know, when every day is Mardi Gras, OK, then maybe I'll think about payin' taxes. You've gotta get a decent accountant. Do you have a decent accountant? Go over to those H & R guys. I think they're fantastic. I got a guy... I'm telling you, he scares me. Every time I go over there for a consultation, he's gettin' a rubdown."

"Right after the show tonight, Todd and I are goin' over to the Javits Center for the New York City Car Show. The auto show. Yeah! It's great! You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents."

"They have over there, the driverless car. Is that a good idea? Yeah. I mean, really... how many times have you or a family member nearly been electrocuted by the toaster?"

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think we can all sleep a little easier, because it looks like there's going to be a new nuclear deal with Iran. So let me be the first to say, 'Thank you, Dennis Rodman!' "

"Well, the kids down there in Washington, every year they have the big Easter roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. The kids found 'em, rollin' around there on the White House lawn. Kids found 300 Easter eggs. Found about 10,000 missing Hillary e-mails."

"Passover began earlier tonight... sundown. Passover, or as it's known to the New York Knicks, the playoffs."

••• monologue interruption: It's the tall, gray-haired gent who plays politicians and other hotshots. Here we go...
(Dave): "Hey! Look who's here, ladies and gentlemen... mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio! How're ya doin', Mr. Mayor? What brings you out here?"

(Mayor de Blasio): "Well, first of all, Dave, call me The Blas."

(Dave): "OK... sure."

(Mayor de Blasio): "Anyway, I was just in the neighborhood for a ribbon cutting at a nail salon..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Mayor de Blasio): "... and I wanted to stop by, and wish you a happy 6,000th show!"

(Dave): "6,000 shows!" I don't know that that's... but thanks. Is it our... really our 6,000th?"

(Paul): "Apparently so."

(Dave): "I don't know. I don't think that's accurate."

(Paul): "The two networks together, I guess."

(Dave): "Well, that's very thoughtful of you, Mr. Mayor. Thank you."

(Mayor de Blasio, applauding): "Well, I think all of your listeners would agree with me that you've built up a great head of steam, and are poised to really hit your stride in the years to come!"

(Dave): "OK. Well, great. That's fantastic. Thank you so much. Thanks for those kind words, Mr. Mayor."

(Mayor de Blasio): "Well, I've gotta run, Dave, but you keep gettin' her done, and folks, come to New York City. We've got coy - o - tees."

(CBSO): "New York, New York."

••• Pope Francis has just had a routine physical exam, and was informed he needed to lose some weight. Gotta back off on those communion wafers. He has a great sense of humor about it. Just listen to his mass last Sunday at the Vatican. / video:
(Pope Francis, at a lectern, doing stand-up): "I'm so overweight, they're changing the name from Vatican to Fatican." (rim shot)

(cardinals applauding)

(Pope Francis): "I'm so fat, each morning I wake up, and I ask myself, 'What would Chef Boyardee do?"

(nuns applauding)

(Pope Francis): "I'm so fat, my favorite days of the year are Easter morning, Christmas Eve and Taco night." (pronounced tack-oh)

(nuns applauding)

••• Ted Cruz is running for president. You have to get a web domain, and he was having trouble getting tedcruz.com, or tedcruzforpresident.com. Here's all the trouble he had getting a web site name. / video:
(voice-over): Imagine a President who shares your values. Help us get there! Now accepting campaign contributions at:

(FX): type-in-the-box animation for each possibility, with "no" buzzer and "NOT AVAILABLE" stamp

TedCruz.com ("no" buzzer)

TedCruz.net ("no" buzzer)

TedCruzForAmerica.com ("no" buzzer)

CruzForAmerica.com ("no" buzzer)

CruzForCanada.com ("no" buzzer)

TexanPresidentGuy.com ("no" buzzer)

ThisIsHarderThanIThought.com ("no" buzzer)

WhyAmIEvenDoingThis.com ("no" buzzer)

IHaveNoChanceOfWinningAnyway.com ("no" buzzer)

HowCouldThatPossiblyBeTaken.com ("no" buzzer)

FineIGiveUp.com ("no" buzzer)

Pillows4Less.com ("yes" bell)

Ted Cruz: NOT AFFILIATED WITH PILLOWS.

••• Indiana governor Mike Pence has gotten himself in all kinds of trouble over that religious freedom law, but it looks like he might have a solution. / video:
(clip): the governor, at a lectern during a press conference

(voice-over): "Indiana's religious freedom law revolves largely around whether businesses such as bakeries should have to provide services to gay weddings. But, since we've been unable to find a solution that will please everyone, we decided to solve the problem by banning cake."

(photo): humongous wedding cake

(photo, text and voice-over): an apple pie being completed and "INDIANA: You're in pie country now."

(me): I noticed that the graphics people chose the famous "with David Letterman" script font, Kaufmann LT Bold, for "You're in pie country now."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I remember I couldn't get to sleep for hours the night I discovered aluminum foil has a shiny side and a dull side." / a plug for the Lincoln MKC •••

ACT 2

desk chat: HBO (wasn't it CNN?) had a documentary, Going Clear, about Scientology the other night. It covered the various steps you take as you progress up to Eagle Scientologist. Many show bidness people are involved. The Late Show has acquired some clips of show bidness people with their comments. / video:

(animated title graphic): close up of an E-meter and "GOING CLEAR: SCIENTOLOGY & THE PRISON OF BELIEF"

(interview 1): "So tell me, how was it you first got involved in Scientology?"

(Spanky Taylor: PR consultant and Scientologist for 17 years): "I don't know if they said it - or if it was just talked about by others - that they had superpowers. And I... I was like... really young, but I thought, 'I'd like to have superpowers.' "

(Paul Haggis: writer & filmmaker, Scientologist for 35 years): "He asked me, 'What's ruining your life?' I said, 'I'm in love. I don't know what to do. I need some help.' And he said, 'We can help you with that.' "

(David Letterman: TV host, Scientologist for 40 years.): "Parts of my skin were covered in pus-laden chancres. And then the itching began. Everybody tried to tell me it was bed sores, but I knew it was something much, much worse. And the itching drove me crazy. Bloody... "

(animated title graphic): close up of an E-meter and "GOING CLEAR: SCIENTOLOGY & THE PRISON OF BELIEF"

(YouTube)

(Paul congratulates Dave for getting a part in the film.)

(me): Dave's Scientology interview was based on his hilarious, instant-classic childhood bacon story, told on 5/16/12 [3676]. (video) His medical term, "pus-laden chancre," was heard for the second time in his PSA for Obamacare on 11/04/13, when TMI from Dave resulted in the microphone getting snatched from him by a tech guy (probably Al Norwood). (video)

(me 2): I read up on the E-meter. Inside the snazzy-looking gadget is a Wheatsone Bridge circuit, which was developed in about 1843. I used one in Physics II lab. It can be used to measure skin conductivity, which is one of the functions of a polygraph. Sometimes this simple circuit, when packaged up for Scientology, goes for thousands of dollars. Back in the 1960s, the FDA confiscated 100+ E-meter contraptions, on the grounds they were being used on the claim of curing medical disorders.

••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by JC Penney's Home Collections, says Alan. •••
Whoops! Just coming out of the sponsorship graphic, Dave gets the aaoogah horn censor treatment. As the control room cuts back to Dave, he's holding a blue card over his naughty mouth. Tom "Bones" Malone's seen cleaning out his right ear. Dave stands and takes a bow. The audience cheer wildly. (By the way, Dave said "DJOY.")

Dave didn't utter #1 on George Carlin's list of seven words you can't say on television because of JC Penney. Nancy Agostini had just confirmed the 6,000-episode announcement of fake Mayor de Blasio.

•••
TTL setup: "Boy, I'll tell you. Easter is one of those holidays that's been subsumed by commercialism. It's the highest holy day on the calendar of the Christian faith, but yet it's been exploited and turned upside-down by consumerism and commercialism. It's all about candy! How much candy can you get your kid to eat?! Get your kid up early, and just start stuffin' him with candy! ... Get your kid out in the yard, eatin' hard-boiled eggs all day!"
••• Top Ten New Easter Candies
10. Good & Lenty

9. Creamed Candy Corn

8. Duracell Chocolate Covered AAA Batteries

7. Mike & Ike & Luke & John

6. Caramel-coated Oysters   (Sorry, that's a new OYSTER candy.)

5. He is Risen-ettes

4. Whatcha Messiah

3. Necco Communion Wafers

2. Vicks Créme Eggs

1. Peep Francis

(YouTube)

•••
Mike Myers, one of our most likeable and funny actors, is in to promote the film he directed, Supermensch: The Legend of Shep Gordon. Shep plugged it on 6/17/14 [4046] in an awesome interview, and Mike followed up with his own entertaining visit on 8/28/14 [4076]. Now Supermensch, about a one-of-a-kind character, will be available on Netflix on April 10.

Paul and the CBSO played Mike onstage with The La's "There She Goes," and Mike saluted them enroute to the chair. I wondered what the choice meant. A Google search landed me on Wikipedia, which reported that it was in the soundtrack of So I Married an Axe Murderer, as performed by both The La's and the Boo Radleys.

Dave clearly enjoyed Shep's visit, now almost a year ago. He begins by saying to Mike that, "You want to spend several days, just being around the guy and talking to the guy." Dave and Paul invited him to dinner, but he didn't respond. Shep's still managing Alice Cooper, and Mike says he, "is literally the nicest human being I've ever met in my life." (Shep's interview) Mike reminds us that Shep is "an ethical hedonist, and he is a show business god."

Mike says Shep is his de facto show business dad, "but I'm not here to talk about him. I'm here to talk about you. Dave, of course, starts whining immediately. Here we go.

"And I know you hate this. I know you hate it. Too bad! I am here today... I am here today, Mr. David Letterman, and I know you do not like this, because I just want to say, 'Thank you so much!' You are fantastic! I've been on this show... I've been on this show 29 times... for 25 years. And I just wanna say... and I know you're gonna try and change the subject, and 'toughsky crapsky,' as we say in Canada. Too bad! I just want to say that this... being on the show... is, like, one of the highlights of my career. Yes.

There's three times that I have heard my name back to me. One time was when Lorne Michaels called and said, 'Are you Mike Myers?' I said, 'Yes.' 'Would you like to be on Saturday Night Live?' I went, 'Yeah.' That was a big one. The other one was when Don Pardo went, 'Miiike Myers.' And then, in 1990, when I came on this show, and you said, 'Our next guest is Mike Myers.'

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET! I'm just gettin' warmed up! The thing is that this show has been consistently cool and hip for all these years. And this is, honest to God... as somebody that toils in the fields of comedy, I just wanted to say thank you. What an amazing beacon of light! What an amazing American icon you are!

I'M NOT DONE YET! I'm just gettin' warmed up. On top of that, you're the most American human being I've ever seen in my life. In fact, as a Canadian, and an English Canadian person, sitting next to you, I feel ethnic. You are that American!

In fact, it's a highlight so much... being on Saturday Night Live, I got the last letter that George Harrison ever wrote to any human being... was sent to me. This... coming on this show... is still up there with all that, and I'm not even kidding you. This show is fantastic!"

After Mike's tribute, Dave calls attention to a little white snowflake on Paul's lapel: The Order of Canada. Paul gets into the discussion, explaining that you "have to distinguish yourself, and bring pride to your country to get one." Oh... Oops! It seems that Mr. Myers does not possess a snowflake. Mike says, "I'm only 51, and my mom's ailing, but that's fine. That's cool." Mom's 89 and a veteran of World War II. Of course, Mike does have his own stamp, and two streets named after him. It's fine that he doesn't have a snowflake. Even Paul only has one street named after him. Lorne has a snowflake, and, of course, David Letterman also possesses one. Or not. Mike whines, "The Most American Person in the World has The Order of Canada." Dave's going to make a call. Mike looks at the camera out of the corner of his eye and says, "Dave, this is not some some cheap... thing to try and get an Order of Canada... before my mother passes away." Dave now reports a little faux pas. Paul loaned Dave the ribbon version of The Order of Canada, and he wore it! A call was made, and a nice Canadian lady said it was fine. Mike says he'd love for Dave to be a Canadian citizen. "We have an opening, now that Ted Cruz has left."

bumper into commercials: a photo of Mike's stamp

Dave thinks Mike's stamp is great, "and people get to lick it."

Mike was part of the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, but learned he was invited with only 1½ weeks' notice. It was a three-hour show, and he never got to rehearse. He was paired with Dana Carvey for "Wayne's World," and Dana said they should just have fun with it. Dana invited Mike to come on tour with him early on. He agreed, and wrote his act on a plane. He found himself playing in 8,000-seat venues. Dana was exceptionally calm about his work. For example, he'd say a line in "Wayne's World" like, "I think I'm gonna hurl." During the 10 seconds of laughter, Dana would ask about dinner preferences!

Here's more tribute:

"I was just saying to the fellers, over here, that my life for these 25 years, has been one long Letterman story, 'cause everything that happens, I go, 'Oh... gotta remember that for Letterman!' You know what I mean? And, if fact, my family does... you know... it's like, 'That'd be a good Letterman story, Mike.' And strangers come up to me, and I was in Scotland. A guy came up, and he was like, 'Uh, Mike, we get Letterman here. It's great! And I lived in America for a while.' And he's like, 'I just think all the stories you have are fantastic.' And he was like, 'Mike, promise me this. You'll talk to me later, right?' And I go, 'Not really. We're just gettin' loaded in a bar together.' And he says, 'Mike, you'll promise me this, though. I'm not just gonna be another Letterman story, am I?'
(video)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Anytime I need a self-esteem boost, I remind myself that my call is very important to a wide range of companies." •••
Nick Griffin delivers an outstanding stand-up routine... one of the best I've ever heard on LSDL. On April 16, catch him at The Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California.

Nick started his day by putting on his sweat pants, but ran out of steam. "If you don't work out in your sweat pants, they're failure slacks." Nick knows that there are young people in the audience thinking he's sad... that when they're his age, they'll be active, meet the right person, get the right job, be in the right shape. "Nooo, you're not."

Nick called a buddy to go do something. Nope. He was taking a bath. What's an adult male doing taking a bath during the day? Is he an 1800s prospector, who came into town for a bath and a woman?

Then there's dating. When Nick was in his 20s, the dating pool was clean and fresh and exciting. People were frolicking and splashing. Thirty years down the line now, people are tired, damaged and heavily medicated. Nick sadly announces, "It's not even like dating. It's more like volunteer work." Raising his voice so his date can hear, he says, "You want to go on a walk?"

Remember when you were young, and might say to a date, "I can't live without you?" Try saying that when you've lived 48 years without her.

(YouTube)

••• Banks sings "Begging for Thread" from her "Goddess" album. She's singing in a reflective, translucent plastic hexagon. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/06/15: REPEAT FROM 2/20/15

4/07/15: REPEAT FROM 3/25/15

4/08/15: REPEAT FROM 3/23/15

4/09/15: REPEAT FROM 2/10/15

4/10/15: REPEAT FROM 3/09/15

4/13/15 [4187]: "From the moon's Copernicus crater, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Dave didn't run across the stage tonight, which he's usually done since 2013. For the third time since July, Dave bypassed the red column. He entered from the backdrop behind his desk. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Jordan Spieth joins the most exclusive club in the world: winners of the Masters Golf Championship. Now the least exclusive club in the world is late night talk show hosts."

"By the way, yesterday was my birthday, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much! Every year, my relatives from all over the country race to my house, thinking that it's gonna be the reading of my will."

"Hillary Clinton, I guess no secret now, is running for president. She wants to follow in the footsteps of her husband. She hopes to one day be impeached."

••• Bob Schieffer's retiring as host of Face the Nation. He's done everything! He introduced his replacement yesterday. / video:
(Bob): "Well I'm happy to say the answer is my friend, CBS News political director John Dickerson."

OK... the joke is edits of John looking at Bob without speaking.

(Bob, after the awkward silence): "Well, thank you very much, John. Face the Nation is gonna be in good hands."

••• Hillary Clinton is campaigning in a van! / video:
(farm scene): caption: "Hillary Clinton's van en route to Iowa"

(clip): The van's spinning its tires, turning 'round and 'round.

(me): In my high school years, that was called "turning kitties."

••• We all knew this was coming. The Hillary Clinton announced a run for the presidency today. Let's look at the video, shall we? / video:
(greenhouse clip): a lady at work, and a female voice-over: "It's spring, so we're starting to get the gardens ready, and my tomatoes are legendary here, in my own neighborhood."

(The lady, about Hillary's size, mugs for the camera.)

(clip): A beautiful young mother, holding her little daughter, flexes her biceps, along with the tyke.

(mother): "My daughter is about to start kindergarten, next year."

(TV's Joe Grossman, in his office): "I'm gonna be out of a job in a month, thanks to this jackass."

(Mr. Grossman raises a photo of a smiling David Letterman.)

(clip of Hillary Clinton, supposedly talking to a citizen): "I'm getting ready to do something, too. I'm running for president!"

(clip): two lesbians snuggling

(clip): smiling young lady

(clip): happy couple / dude rubbing pregnant wife's abdomen

(Hillary): "Because it's your time..."

(TV's Joe Grossman): leans forward and rests his aching head on his desk

(Hillary): "...and I hope you'll join me on this journey."

(graphic): an H with an arrow through it... as if she thinks she's electable

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: "Other than man, the ocelot is the only species that tries to get out of social engagements." / a plug for the Chrysler 200 •••

ACT 2:

desk chat:

Wardrobe supervisor Natalie Fowles Opali gave birth, one day before Dave's birthday, or April 11. Baby's name is Lillian. She's 19" tall, and weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces. •••

interruption: Wake the kids! Phone the neighbors. For the first time since June 3, I believe, it's Pea Boy! (It seems that an audience lady requested his presence in the Q & A, which is how he was resurrected last June.) Writer Mike Leech1 is the boy in green. He seems to be in the peak physical condition of his life, tossing his peas with lightning speed and accuracy. (me): I was hanging around the theater last June 3, the day after DaveCon, when I saw a stagehand dump a wicker basket in a dumpster beside the Roseland Ballroom. I took a peek. It was leftover peas (frozen, probably to cut down on the mess) in the basket. And that's my Brush with Greatness. (YouTube)

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

•••
The comedy duo of C-3PO and R2-D2 are onstage to present the Top Ten Things Never Before Said in a Star Wars Film. / It seems that Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens is set to open on 12/18/15.

10. (C-3PO): "I just passed the accountant exam--Now I am a C3PA."

9. (R2-D2): "Please restart me to install windows updates."

8. (C-3PO): "There is free cake in the break room for Jabba the Hutt's birthday."

7. (R2-D2): "No, I'm not a WI-FI hotspot."

6. (C-3PO): "The pizzerias in this star system will not cater your wedding."

5. (R2-D2): "I didn't say anything--I was just sending a fax."

4. (C-3PO): "I just save 15% on Millennium Falcon insurance."

3. (R2-D2): "Beam me up, Scotty."

2. (C-3PO): "Letterman is really beginning to look like Master Yoda."

1. (R2-D2): "Just walked in on Han going Solo."

(YouTube)

•••
It's Sarah Jessica Parker, who has nothing to plug. This is her goodbye visit. According to my files, she appeared on Late Night five times, with her first on 2/08/91. On 9/01/92, she was invited to remain after her segment, to be Dave's co-host. She appeared on the Late Show 27 times, it seems. Not counting a cameo in 1993, and counting tonight, this is her 32nd visit with Dave. We'll see what The Donz and Wahoo Mike have to say about those numbers tomorrow. As with many recent guests, Sarah Jessica commandeers the interview at the start, to offer her testimonial to Dave. The ever-charming Sarah Jessica does a nice job. Here's a pretty good transcript, with Dave's interjections mostly left out.
"I want to take a long, hard look at you. I want to do for all Americans what they will not be able to do, because I am here in their place. For all the men and women who could not be here in person and look at you, and stare at you, and perhaps tell you about yourself, what you've meant to us. And I want you to take it like a man. I want you to sit here. Because I know... I know your instinct is you don't want to hear it. You don't want to hear anything nice. You don't want to hear what you've meant to us." (Dave): "But I want to hear about you." (Sarah continues): "But, I have no interest in me. But... but also, I figured, I have nothing to lose, because you can't not ask me back. ... And I really, actually, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I feel like this is my last hope." (Dave): "This is very sweet of you, by the way. (Sarah): "If these people weren't here, and I, for some strange reason, was alone in a room with you, umm, which hasn't happened yet! I would say the same thing. You've made us all so happy. You've been thoughtful and funny and challenging... and terrifying. And, despite your best efforts... probably the most distinguished man on late night."

"I've been rather public about my affection for you. (It's gotten me nowhere.)"

"But, can I just tell you one last little thing? Because, unless we start following each other on Instagram... many, many, many, many years ago, before I was spoken for... legally... I had a dream that you and I went to a basketball game together. It was in a small town... maybe Indiana. And we were sitting on bleachers together. ... I don't know. What's the intermission in basketball, halftime? ... And you turned to me, and you said, with, I think... I think you really meant every word, you said, 'I love you.' And I said, 'Oh, my God! I love you, too!' And then you dipped me! ... It was so fantastic, and it was so chaste."

(Dave): "Well, now, you know... having said this, and it's such a lovely thing to have conjured in a dream... I feel a bit euphoric."

(Sarah Jessica): "I'm probably one of millions!"

(Dave): "Is this a recurring dream, with different guys?"

(Sarah Jessica): "Absolutely not!"

(YouTube)

Now we get to Dave's favorite... the kids segment. Sarah Jessica had occasion to explain where babies come from to her two-year-old boy. Turns out she misunderstood the question. Her answer was he had one seed, and in college he would give his one seed to Mary. Dave set out to have the talk with Harry the other day, to follow up two days on the topic at school, but Harry claimed Dad got the date wrong. Stay tuned for more on that, I guess.

(me): I always looked forward to Sarah Jessica's appearances. She was always funny and charming, and clearly someone Dave enjoyed having on.

(bumper): It's a photo of Sarah Jessica's first visit with Dave, on Feb. 8, 1991.

•••
Jordan Spieth, 21, won the Masters in Augusta yesterday, and he's attired in his brand new green jacket. He's a very good guest. He didn't just win, but won decisively, finishing 18 under par, to become the second-youngest to win the Masters. He's welcomed to the Ed with a big standing O. Jordan's dad dropped by to visit with him before the contest, and advised him to play with a smile, and have fun.

Jordan's parents didn't play golf. He didn't start with golf, but did start in several sports at a young age. Around the age of 12 or 13, he concluded that if he played golf, he could control his destiny.

Dave wants to know the secrets to success. Is it muscle memory, concentration, or maybe relaxation? Jordan describes the key to good golf as vision and imagination... visualizing where you start, and where the ball will come down. He says golf is "a game of centimeters." He's done well, and has only played professionally for 2½ years! He also says it helps to have his immediate family along with him when he has a big match. He also knows to stay away from his friends, "who were bein' idiots the whole week!"

(YouTube)

••• The Act 5 Audience Pan ran during Jordan's interview: "Man, I could go for a big glass of shelf-stable milk." ••• Asleep at the Wheel sing a number from their album, "Still the King," with Kat Edmonson, and accompanied by Paul Shaffer on piano. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/14/15 [4188]: "From O'Hare Airport's economy parking lot F, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Dave went back to running across the stage tonight, and for the fourth time since July, bypassed the red column. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Have you got an accountant? Get yourself a good accountant. That's the best advice I can give you. I go to my accountant, and he refers to the refund as 'my cut.' What does that mean? And he's got a room full of guys sittin' around the office, and he says, 'It's OK. It's OK, Dave. You can talk in front of the boys.' " (Dave's accountant is Dr. Vinny Boom Botz.)

"Hillary Clinton running for president, ladies and gentlemen. She... well, we'll see. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable... like me."

"Jordan Spieth... what a guy! 18 under par! 18 under par to win the Masters. That's a... everybody's still talkin' about it. I thought, well, 'Big deal. Nobody ever mentions my under-par performance every night!"

••• Abraham Lincoln died 150 years ago tomorrow. / "Dark Day in History" / video:
(title graphic and ominous music)

(graphics and voice-over): "1865: Abraham Lincoln is shot at Ford's Theater. 1912: The Titanic hits an iceberg in the North Atlantic. 2015: This."

(Fox 9 anchor): "Tori Spelling and family were having lunch at Benihana Restaurant, when she tripped and fell backward on a hibachi grill."

(graphic and voice-over): "Stay strong, America."

••• Rand Paul would like to be our president. He was on Meet the Press on Sunday. / video:
(animated title graphics and voice-over): "From NBC News in Washington, this is Meet the Press, with Chuck Todd."

(Chuck): "You said somethin' right after the 2012 election. About your dad, you said, "Maybe, just maybe, the Ron Paul Revolution is the last best hope for saving the GOP from oblivion."

(FX): A little Dove comes to rest in Rand's curly mess of hair that the ladies seem to like.

(Chuck continues): "If you run a good campaign, and you're not the Republican nominee... GOP headed for oblivion?"

(FX): The bird departs for a meeting or something. We see that it laid an egg on Rand's nest."

(Dr. Paul): "Sometimes we have flowering rhetoric that we use."

(animated title graphic)

••• Marco Rubio announced a run for the presidency this week. It's time for "Get to Know Marco Rubio." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over and photos): "Born in Venice, Italy, Marco Rubio received an education in the handling of cargo ships, and began his career as a merchant traveler. His classic work, The Book of Marvels of the World, released in the year 1300, introduced Europeans to Central Asia. And today, many know Marco Rubio as the name of a hide-and-seek game, commonly played in swimming pools."

(title graphic and female voice-over): " 'Get to Know Marco Rubio' was made possible by a grant from Lillian and Herb Falstaff."

(me): OK... it didn't take long to figure out this was a Marco Polo spoof, but the swimming pool angle went right over my head. I don't get out much.

••• If you dropped by the show last night, you know Jordan Spieth won the Masters on Sunday. He puts tremendous English on the ball. (What? He's playing pool?) Dave got some footage of Jordan's work on the 8th green. Just look how he controls the ball! / video:
(Jordan portrait)

(action clip, 8th green): We see the ball roll into the hole.

(voice-over): "Check it out!"

(clip): Talk about English... the ball pops right back out of the hole, takes flight, lands 10 feet from the hole on the 9th and rolls in. The crowd goes wild!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder! April 20th is the deadline for adding people to your fiscal year 2015 enemies list." / a plug for Magnum Ice Cream •••

ACT 2

We have a quick desk chat, out of commercials. Dave's excited, and announces that it's a blessing having your own show. "Wonderful things in the universe find you... mystically." When Dave was still upstairs, word came to him about an amazing feat that had been witnessed on 14th floor. Todd Seda, the show's 32-year-old cue card kid, jumped over a conference room table. Dave didn't believe that a kid of such advanced age could do that. Todd works in a building well-stocked with television cameras and videotapes. Seeing is believing. Todd can take a running start and fly right over furniture! Dave hollers over to Todd to ask if he's done this before. (Todd): "I jump over anything I can find, really." Todd thinks this afternoon's jump was top five. / video:

Anton begins a drum roll.

The CBSO plays Strauss's "Also sprach Zarathustra."

We see Todd come dashing into the room. He clears the table (almost catching one foot) and lands on his feet, at a backward angle, on the far side. We see wardrobe supervisor Amy Deiboldt, attired in the 2014 Late Show letter jacket, amazed and applauding.

Todd gives a dignified bow.

(video)

Dave's amazed. Todd will probably get a big, fat raise over his last month.

••• Now we see Part 2. / video:
We see a female laying face-down on the aforementioned table. It's a tighter shot than before.

Anton begins a drum roll.

The CBSO plays Strauss's "Also sprach Zarathustra."

Out of nowhere, Todd high jumps the table, and lands out of the shot.

(Dave): "America really does have talent."

This time Todd jumped over production manager Pam Norozny.

••• TTL setup: Hillary Clinton's trying to win over the Heartland by traveling in a van. / Top Ten Things Overhead in Hillary Clinton's Van / #8: "Did we hit a deer or a hitchhiker?" / #3: "It's kind of cramped back here with the email server." ••• bumper: replay of Todd's first jump •••
Billy Crystal is in to plug The Comedians, on Thursdays on FX. Billy, a veteran comedian, is paired with a younger, edgier comedian (Josh Gad) for a late-night show. Billy enters to a standing O.

Dave goes straight to a kids update. It's grandkids in Billy's case. The two-year-old was born on March 14, Billy's birthday. Oops. Now the 67-year-old's birthday celebrations will be taking place in gyms. At this point, the crowd is two-year-olds.

Billy's five-year-old grandson is a budding comedian. Billy teaches him Hyman Roth lines from The Godfather: Part II. The kid's playing the part of a 75-year-old Jewish gangster. (Lee Strasberg played the part.) The trouble is, he delivers the lines at inappropriate times.

Billy has a neighbor, Faye, whose face is as tight as a drum kit. He never lets Faye in... can't handle the perfume. Billy mimics her visits at the door, with her Botoxed face.

We get a rundown on the TV show, which Josh Gad was on to plug on March 31, but let's just get right to Billy's goodbye song for Dave. It's to the tune of an Italian song. I thought it might be from The Godfather, but apparently not. Then I decided the song sounded kind of French. This is why we read the Wahoo Gazette.

(The song's full of clips of Dave from his early years on TV, Billy's appearances with him, and other guests.)

Is this the weatherman from Ball State?
Is this the kid from NBC?
Now you are leaving us with only... Rupert Jee
You survived shingles and a bypass
Proving you actually had a heart
When you first started Paul had hair... to... part

(Now a chorus of three join Billy.)

David Letterman, David Letterman, now you've heard the call
Three decades as the King of Late Night
Soon you'll be wandering 'round a mall
Carson loved you, Leno shoved you
Still you rose above
It's true Cher called you an ass     
But you're the       that we love
Larry Bud Melman, Stupid Pet Tricks
You taught us Mujibur's a name
You loved it whenever Richard Simmons went aflame
Here's when Madonna dropped those F-bombs
Where Sir Paul McCartney played his hits
And here's where Drew Barrymore showed her (censored) (video)
Who'll fill this chair?
Stephen Colbert
We all wish him luck
When he heard Steve was his successor
Dave sighed and said, "Who gives a givl?"
David Letterman, David Letterman
(missed it)
Now late night's jammed with all the Jimmys
There's just the princes
You're... the... king!

(YouTube)

Someone sat in with Paul on piano, but I didn't catch his name.

(bumper): a young Billy on an early Late Night, 8/02/82

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I'm sure it's more comfortable, but on a roller coaster I can't justify the extra $700 for first class." •••
Julie Chen plugs The Talk.

Julie and Les's Charlie is 5½ now. He's been exposed to a lot of music, and was once interested in Michael Jackson. Now he's fascinated with The Beatles. Not long ago, the Moonves clan were at a gathering, also attended by Sir Paul McCartney. Charlie was very excited to meet Sir Paul, and in the course of their visit, informed him that Ringo Starr is his favorite Beatle.

The current crew of The Talk are Julie, Sharon Osbourne, Sheryl Underwood, Aisha Tyler and Sara Gilbert. Dave drops the hint that he'd be a perfect fit for that group. Julie finds that idea quite amusing.

••• Chris Stapleton sings something from his new album, "Traveller." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper with credits: Todd flying over furniture

4/15/15 [4189]: "From Maple Shade, New Jersey, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• It's an unnamed guest announcer tonight. He probably asked for the gig in the Q & A. It's a good thing he didn't have to audition! ••• Dave didn't run tonight, and for the fifth time since July, he ignored the red column. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Oh, my God! Today's the day... taxes! Have you paid your taxes today? Because, as you know, if you don't pay your taxes, you go to a federal penitentiary. That's exactly what happens. And you've got to get yourself a good accountant. Do you have a good accountant? I... my accountant... I... you know, on his business card... right there, you know... CPA? He's got that in quotes." ... "And the guy's office is an exact replica of the Golden Nugget."

"A lot of people are hoping like hell that they get refunds... and that's just you folks in the audience."

interruption: (FX): Boing! It's a cute little animated Form 1040. Our new friend says, "Hey, taxpayers! It's me, your IRS pal, Filey! Be sure to file your tax return by midnight, or you're going to a federal supermax prison, and you'll never see the sun again! (giggles and bounces away) (FX): boing boing (Dave): "OK. That's cute. Now get out. Beat it! That's fine."

Hillary Clinton's in Iowa. "She's trying to appear homespun and down-home, and earlier today, she was sitting on the front porch of a general store, whittling a pantsuit."

Kim Kardashian is getting married again (to Kanye). "Kim has thrown so many bouquets, she has to get Tommy John surgery."

••• Hillary Clinton's driving across Iowa in a van, and Dave has a clip from Des Moines. / video:
(clip): The van screeches to a halt, and does a reverse wheelie. The rear end comes up so high, it looks like it might go end-over-end!

(me): Am I good, or what?! I needed to describe what I saw in the clip, so I coined the term reverse wheelie. Guess what? It's a thing! On a long shot, I typed that into Google, and found the video in third place on the search results. Here's a low-quality YouTube video of it. All I can figure is the rear brakes must be disconnected for it to flip up like that.

••• You think Hillary's van stunt was crazy? Have a look at this, from Dr. Rand Paul. / video:
We see a flat stretch of highway or airport taxiway. Two identical semis are motoring along beside each other. Each has a Rand Paul sign above the windshield. Rand Paul, with arms folded, is standing with one foot on the left truck cab, and the other foot on the right cab. The CBSO play Strauss's "Also sprach Zarathustra" as the cabs get closer together, and the shot gets tight enough to see that Rand's head is FXd onto someone else's body.

(me): The Google Master strikes again. I Googled "between two semis stunt," and up comes a link to Jean-Claude Van Damme actually doing this, with the same exact trucks, at the age of 53 in 2013. Truth is stranger than fiction. If you must know, it's a promotional stunt for Volvo.

(Dave): "If he gets to be president, he has to do that once a month."

••• We're all worried about the awful, thousand-year drought in California, but let's make fun of the situation, anyway, with "Good Use of Water / Bad Use of Water." / video:
(title graphic and upbeat theme music)

(voice-over): "Good use of water: hydration." (clip of a young man drinking after a workout)

(voice-over): "Bad use of water." (Fox 69 clip): At a harbor or dock, a guy with some kind of water-propelled backpack contraption goes straight into the drink.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Use of Water / Bad Use of Water.' "

(title graphic and upbeat theme music)

••• Bad Substitute Announcer with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know? Prison searchlights are mainly used for the prisoners' musical theater productions." / a plug for Mortal Kombat X •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

Dave reminds us that for episode 4/08/97 [779], in honor of Easter and tax season, we played "How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get Into an H&R Block?" The answer was two. A manager tossed them in a matter of seconds. (video) Then Dave got Biff to find a bear suit and give it a try. It ended up being "Can a Guy in a Dog Suit Get into an H&R Block?" Biff was bounced in seconds. (video) Speaking of Block, the business was Dave's neighbor, one block away, between 52nd and 53rd Streets, on 8th Avenue. Don't worry... Bill DeLace was on the scene for at least the second round. (My episode log shows Norm Macdonald, Justine Bateman and the World's Only Performing Turtle, Zahshoo, as guests.) Who knew that tax preparation places had bouncers? (YouTube)
•••
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Accountant (presented by area accountants... most of them veterans of past TTLs)

10. (Lawrence Spielman): "I reviewed your bank statements, and they're hilarious."

9. (Adele Valenzuela): "I lost your W-2, so I submitted two W-1s."

8. (Harvey Tanton): "I spent all night caressing your receipts."

7. (Bob Manger): "I thought you were doing my taxes."

6. (Andrew Rubin): "I'm having a liquidity problem, if you know what I mean."

5. (Whitney Boyd): "Calculator? You mean my 'Magic 8-Ball' ?"

4. (Joe Pagluca): "Is it pronounced I-R-S or 'IRS' ?"

3. (Phil Defalco): "Sign and date next to the mustard stain."

2. (Richard Koenigsberg): "Don't worry, it's not loaded."

1. (Andrew Ross): "Can I have your boat when you go to prison?"

•••
Dave's great friend, Michael J. Fox, a five-time Emmy winner, enters to an enthusiastic standing O. He announces that this is his 41st1 appearance with Dave. One of the early ones was on 11/28/86. He presented "The Iceman Hummeth" as part of David Letterman's 2nd Annual Holiday Film Festival. Dave announces that Michael's foundation has raised $450,000,000 for Parkinson's research. When I brought up the video capture to write this, I noticed that as he passed the CBSO, Michael flashed his Order of Canada lapel pin to Paul Shaffer. Michael received the award in 2010.

1 Nope! Buzz! Don Giller says it's 40... 15 (including cameos) on LNDL, and 25 (including cameos) on LSDL.

Michael begins by thanking Dave for everything he did for him, and for television. Dave says, "You're better at what you do than I am at what I do." Michael replies with, "You're taller." (He's 5' 4½".) We see a picture of Michael on Late Night in 1985. He has great 80s hair and aviator glasses. "I got 'em from Charles Nelson Reilly," Michael confides.

Let's get right to the kids talk, shall we? His son, with the amazing Tracy Pollan, is 26 years old, and a hipster living in Brooklyn. Their twin daughters, Aquinnah and Schuyler, are 20, and in colleges on opposite coasts. One's at Duke, and the other's in California. "They couldn't get to their respective coasts fast enough." "They'd spent their whole lives together. They have that twintuition, so when one falls down, the other one bleeds." They needed the space.

Michael says raising a boy is easy (except around four, when he realizes you're sleeping with his mother). Girls are great, and they love their dads, but when they're arguing with each other or their mother, "just get the hell out!" "You can't make it better. You just get hurt." "It's kind of like breaking up a domestic dispute. They both turn on the cop!"

It's the 30th anniversary of Back to the Future! It was set in 1985 and 1955, and Part 3 was set partly in 2015! People know everything about those three movies.

After commercials, the discussion turns to Parkinson's disease, which Michael learned about while making Doc Hollywood in 1991. He knew he'd have to make adjustments, and told himself, "Quit your bitchin', and get on with it!" The test for Parkinson's is the same as a DWI test. The Michael J. Fox Foundation is funding research on biomarkers and genetic links. The foundation gives seed money to drug companies for research they believe should be done.

Dave concludes with, "I have great admiration for you. You're the original tough guy." I think there are quite a few million Americans who have admiration for Michael.

bumper photo: Michael (and his aviator glasses) on LNDL on 10/23/85

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, top theologians present the hottest new justifications for the existence of evil!" •••
Amy Sedaris is in to plug nothing. She's just had her second God child. "Your body just doesn't bounce back." Amy says Dr. Phil advised she should make a list of the five most important men in her life. Dave's on the list, and Amy claims to think of Dave every single day. Don Giller reports that Amy's been on with Dave 33 times, including one cameo, her "Paul's Cape Thing" on August 8, 2003.

Amy has a song for Dave. It goes pretty much like this:

As long as we've got each other
It don't matter what I call you
You call me brother, I call you lover
And everybody's someone's child
And we've got one more mountain to climb
Have you heard the news today?
I ain't got no money
Have you heard the news we play?
Boom clay, boom clay
I'm in love wit' you
Sam... you made the pants too long

(YouTube)

••• bumper: Steve Young's Baskstage Oddities": It's a Studio Tech Announcer's Module, model 210... only $687.50. ••• Iron & Wine and Ben Bridwell sing, and they're accompanied by the CBS Orchestra. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/16/15 [4190]: "From the Sunnyside Railyard in Queens, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Dave runs across the stage tonight. For the sixth time since July, he ignores the red column. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Well, we mentioned this earlier: tax time. Everybody pay their taxes? You get your taxes paid? It's funny. Now that tax season is over, my accountant went back to his regular job. You know what the guy does? You know this, Paul. You use the same guy, right? He's... in Times Square... he's Spider-Man."

Dave stumbles just a bit while delivering a joke. He looks over at Paul and says, "For a minute there, I thought I was Sue." (Paul): "Sue?" (Dave): "Si."

••• "Television Evangelist Highlight of the Night." / video:
(title graphic)

(another graphic): " 'Faith to Live By' with Pastor Emeritus Dr. H. H. Barber"

(male voice-over): "Here now is 'Faith to Live By,' with Pastor Barber."

(Dr. H. H. Barber, at a lectern, outdoors... or in front of a green screen): "I love ice cream. I love my pussy cat."

(female voice-over): " 'Television Evangelist Highlight of the Night' was made possible by a grant from Lillian and Herb Falstaff, and the Falstaff Center for Theological Studies."

(title graphic)

••• Costume designer Sue Hum interrupts the monologue. She's carrying a light-colored suit. It doesn't have the straight lines of one of Dave's. We see curves instead.
(Dave): "Oh, hi Sue! Ladies and gentlemen, it's costume designer Sue Hum." (to Sue): "Did you see that 'Television Evangelist Highlight of the Night?' "

(Sue): "Here. Here. Here. Here."

(Dave): "Huh? Huh? Huh? No, I don't need that. But did you see that 'Television Evangelist Highlight of the Night?' "

(Sue): "Huh uh."

(Dave): "You didn't see it?"

(Sue): "You know, Hillary Clinton went to the Chipotle. It's a tortilla pantsuit."

(Dave, giggling): "You made that? Did you make that, Sue?"

(Sue, after giving the cue card a long check, points at Dave): "I... hate... you. And... my... whole... family... hates you."

(Sue then exits the stage backward, not taking her eyes off Dave, her sworn enemy.)

(Dave, to Paul): "Did I say something?"

(Paul): "I don't think it was you."

••• If you're on Twitter, you can hire a company to sign up fake followers. Hillary Clinton has been accused of that. / "Hillary Clinton Twitter
(graphic): A headline says, "Hillary Clinton Fake Twitter Followers: She Bought 2 Million Of Them, Analysis Reveals."

(clip): Hillary on the campaign trail, shaking hands)

(female voice-over): "Critics claim that many of Hillary Clinton's Twitter followers are fake, but isn't it time fake Americans had a voice?"

(new graphic over an American flag, and voice-over): "Hillary Clinton: Fighting for a Better Fake Future"

••• Hillary's still in Iowa, in a van, on the campaign trail. / video: We see security camera video of her van, which is white today, crashing through the aisles of a convenience store. Oh, no! Then it backs out, messing up more stuff. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update: Due to intergalactic privacy concerns, NASA is shutting down the Hubble Space Telescope." / a plug for the Lincoln Luxury Uncovered Event •••

ACT 2

desk chat: Dave claims that the hub cap that flies toward us during Jerry Foley's TTL montage was made for 3-D television, which never happened. ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Landing a Gyrocopter on the United States Capitol Lawn / #8: "Should I do this during Secret Service happy hour?" / #6: "Do I have time to swing by Hungary?" is an audience shout out. / #2: Should I land somewhere unguarded, like the White House?" •••

another desk chat: Tracy Chapman is on tonight. When Harry was younger, Dave used to sing a little song (he had two of them) to Harry when tucking him in. One was the song, "Stand by Me," which Tracy will sing tonight. When he got older, that tradition ended when one night, Harry said, "No song."

Dave warns us that he may sing along with Tracy's song. When the staff learned of that possibility, a videotape compilation was quickly edited up as a warning. See how Mike McIntee's "Odd Dave" database comes in handy? He's been documenting those moments for years. Now watch me try to describe 'em.

monologue: "What is wrong with me? Whooooooo!"

dumb guy, squinting: "I's born on a mayonaisse farm."

dumb guy: "Are you cookin' beans?"

dumb guy: "Is Zorro on?"

dumb guy, monologue: "Is they any more bananas?"

weird guy, squinting: "I dug 17 tunnels... with my face."

foreign guy: "Werry, werry niiice."

clapping along to a little ditty

"Woo woo woo woo" as he chases an imaginary critter across the desk top

face down on desk, gobbling something up

working on something that squeaks

monologue: noisy little airplane taking off

monologue: grunting

rattling his jowls, with sound FX

monologue: howl

desk chat: big sneeze

desk chat: burp and "Excuse me."

desk chat: mad dog?

monologue: mad dog gnawing on something (possibly a Sully imitation)

desk chat: swatting at an imaginary insect

desk chat: Charlie Callas goose honk imitation

desk chat: animal imitation?

desk chat: bee imitation?

desk chat: thumbs inside his mouth, making a bird imitation

desk chat: gibberish

desk chat: different gibberish

desk chat: impossible to describe

desk chat: scratching at his collar

desk chat: bird squawking, with flying imitation using a hand

desk chat: impossible to describe, with sound FX

desk chat: circular motions with finger, clockwise and counterclockwise, with sound FX / "By the way, this is the only thing on CBS right now."

(exterior shot of the Late Show marquee)

(YouTube)

CBSO plays into commercial with The Spencer Davis Group's "Gimme Some Lovin' "

•••
Kevin James plugs Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, which opens on April 17. I found Kevin to be quite a good guest. He came with lots of topics, and made Dave's work easy. I needed an extra page of notes. He enters with a new mustache, and possibly a few spare pounds. He'll partly do a stand-up routine during his interview, and Dave sets him up for his jokes.

He's from Long Island, and says the fans are the greatest here. Oh, once in a while there's a guy you need to avoid. You know... the one with two cotton candies and a checkerboard. ("What was the end goal there?")

Kevin used to come on and do stand-up. (9/23/98, anyway) Then he got The King of Queens. I think I counted 18 appearances, counting tonight. It was hard to keep track, because he did some cameos in certain episodes when he also was interviewed.

Dave wonders if Kevin misses TV. Yup. He's starting a new show with CBS. (funny... can't find a trace of it on IMDB) We see Kevin edited into someone else's film to give us a trailer of Game of Thrones of Queens. We see him acting with tape of Lena Headey.

Dave stutters around with a question... wondering where Mr. James is with weight. He doesn't use a scale... just checks where he's at by looking at old Letterman appearances. Kevin: "...there are indicators that I have for me. Like... when I take my belt off at the end of the night, and it's like pulling a string off a pork roast, I... When you're standing naked in front of a mirror, and it still looks like you have a belt on..." Kevin played a martial arts fighter in Martial Law about 17 years ago, and was in shape for that... 17 years ago.

Kevin's about to be 50 on April 26. Lately he's feeling his age. He'll wake up feeling like he played rugby the day before. Nope. He shook a can of paint or something.

After commercials, Kevin has retirement presents for Dave: two teeny little dumbbells... maybe one pound each, a fitness hoop, one blueberry pie and a nice, large jar of Skippy® peanut butter. (YouTube)

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: It's three gents. I think the one in the front is Mike Leech. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Dammit people, we were supposed to be farming the ocean floor by now!" •••
Tom Dreesen is in for his last visit. I have him down for at least two appearances on Late Night, and 38 on the Late Show, including hosting once. We'll see a bumper of Tom on his first Late Night on 4/21/82, so my LNDL numbers are questionable. Check with The Donz for the real numbers.

Dave and Tom go way back... over 40 years. Tom announces that he was in the room the first time Dave did stand-up comedy. The first stand-up was at The Comedy Store on Sunset Blvd. The two also worked at Showbiz. Tom says the line-up one night there was Tom Dreesen, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Robin Wiliams, Gallagher, Michael Keaton, and Debra Winger was waiting tables. Dave remembers that he found his German shepherd, Bob, as a stray in Los Angeles, and of course later, he and Merrill got Stan. Bob was eating a cheeseburger off the floor in a restaurant kitchen, apparently. Tom claims that Dave had a goldfish named Rita. Dave's not so sure about that. The control room shows a picture of a very young Tom, George Miller and Dave. This picture is so old, there's a pay phone in the background!

There was a Comedy Store basketball team. They went 17-0. Dave was a power forward. The team was at a Lakers game, minding their own business, and Tom says Dave delivered the best ad lib he's ever heard. A menacing-looking guy sitting next to Dave pulled out a humongous knife. With the knife in his lap, the dude asked Dave, "You got any money?" Dave replied, "No, but ask around."

As the interview winds down, Tom interjects, "Before you do that, I want to say somethin' here, pal. I don't have a gift for you, except to tell you you're the best friend a guy could ever have, and that I wish for you that you get half the joy in your retirement that you've given to the world." (Dave): "Oh, that's very sweet." (Tom): "I love you, pal."

Don't miss Tom at Theatre at the Center in Munster, Indiana on June 13.

bumper: Tom on LNDL on 4/21/82

••• Tracy Chapman sings "Stand by Me" for Harry. (YouTube) ••• bumper: the photo of Tom, George and Dave ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/17/15 [4191]: "From an artificial coral reef made from decommissioned subway cars, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Dave runs across the stage tonight. For the seventh time since July, he ignored the red column. He may be done with that. Can the daily Google search on that little tradition stop now? (The searches all end up in my web server stats.) •••

MONOLOGUE:

"You remember when you went on your prom? And it's the kind of thing where... you're at that point in high school, and in your life, where you're... vulnerable. And even the slightest little thing might knock you back... might set you back. But don't worry about it. It's not that important. It's just a prom. I'll tell you what I'm gettin' to. I remember goin' over to pick up my prom date, and we'd never been out before, and I knock at the door. She opens the door, and she looks at me and she says, 'You're not a cop, are you?' "

"Tom Brady, world-champion Super Bowl quarterback... his wife, Gisele Bündchen... supermodel... forget supermodel... über model... über model Gisele Bündchen, is retiring from modeling. Listen to this... yeah... retiring from modeling. You know why? Because she says because her body told her to stop. Yeah. Her body told her to stop. I think that's pretty insightful. Now, I'm retiring because everybody told me to stop."

It's Dave's latest impression of himself. He says it's not an impression, but I say it's impressive. (Dave calls it a tableau.) He turns 180° to prepare, breathing deeply and dramatically smoothing his hair. He turns to face the audience. "Uhhh, one senior for Paul Blart: Mall Cop."

Dave has a shout out for a guy in Iowa. They had a little talk about politics. Right now, Hillary Clinton is in Iowa, going virtually door-to-door... every home in Iowa. I mean, a Jehovah's Witness finally got fed up and said, 'Get lost! Get out of here!' " (Will Lee amuses Dave with a doorbell FX from his bass. / encores / .mp3)

Hillary's in Iowa... to listen. They're drivin' around in a van, and sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers they put on the van. Hillary has one on her van, and it reads, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting e-mails."

••• Here's a promo for the Academy of Country Music Awards, Sunday on CBS. / video:
(female voice-over): "Don't miss the Academy of Counry Music Awards, honoring country music's most-talented performers. Who will take home the award for Entertainer of the Year? Will it be Garth Brooks? Jason Aldean? Cody McMurtry? Cody Walker? Cody Nicholson? Cody Erickson? Cody Mason? Cody Davies? Cody Anderton? Cody Mullery? Cody Sheringham? Cody Mackay? Cody Parker? Cody Valen? Cody Rodbell? Cody Peters? Cody Garcia? Cody Russell? Cody Dawson? DJ Cody? Cody Jennings? Cody Williams? Or Cody Cody? Tune in this Sunday to find out! Only on CBS!"

(me): What about Buffalo Bill Cody? Who doesn't love a Country and Wild West show?

(me): What about Commando Cody?

••• Here's the newest Hillary Clinton campaign ad. / video:
(young female): "I'm getting ready to look for my first job!"

(young man): "I'm getting ready to start my own business."

(middle-aged woman): "I'm getting ready to retire soon."

(clip of Hillary, talking to a citizen): "I'm getting ready to do something, too. I'm joining Scientology!"

(animated graphic): "spiritual technology" becomes "scientology."

(Hillary's faked voice): "Learn how to unlock your inner power at scientology.org."

(me): Watch out! Travolta's a guest on Monday! Don't make him go all Pulp Fiction on the lot of you!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Increase Your Word Power: " 'Carpal Tunnel' - A passageway for large, oily freshwater fish." / a plug for Sprint ••• Dave does a bird call with his hands as the CBSO play into commercials. •••

ACT 2

TTL setup: The boys at the Vatican do more than walkin' around with their giant hats. They have annual, week-long courses. This week's topic is "How to Recognize and Fight Demonic Possession." (Paul): "Only by recognizing it can you then fight it." (Dave): "Same with the Foo Fighters. When they're not here, they're out fighting foo." (Dave): "The biggest mistake you can make is to not recognize... or ignore... foo." / TTL montage / Top Ten Other Courses Offered by the Vatican / #8: How to Tell Nuns Apart / #4: Remedial Infallability ••• desk chat: "What do we want the last show to be: mockish or maudlin? ••• Paul's been an integral part of the show for 33 years! How about a montage of his comedy pieces? / video:

(Cue "It's Raining Men.")

  • Dave introduces Paul on an early show.
  • 5/12/95 [379]: with a rocket pack
  • dancing in floor-length white tails
  • 5/09/95 [376]: Paul as a boxer
  • Paul as Zorro
  • Paul and Dave in a cooking demonstration / flour everywhere
  • Paul with dual face palms outside Hello Deli
  • 8/02/05 [2405]: Paul puts away the Late Show bear
  • in a snowdrift
  • tongue stuck to a frozen post
  • Dave cuts a rope backstage. / A sandbag falls on Paul.
  • on the roof of a taxi
  • on a runaway ski
  • on a bicycle, gets hit by a taxi
  • 7/29/99 [1262]: "Paul Shaffer's Countdown to the Millennium" ($100): "In the new millennium, people will freak out."
  • 4/02/97 [775]: clips from Paul's new show, The Monocle Guy
  • 1/29/14 [3976]: George Clarke has Paul bound and gagged in the mechanical room
  • with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
  • with an award, and a blue circle over his junk
  • Dave breaks a bottle over his head
  • spit take
  • tough guy, drinking something
  • drinking
  • more drinking, in guest chair 2
  • drinking vodka
  • dropping a shot glass
  • shirtless on 53rd St.
  • being bombarded with basketballs
  • fright wig
  • getting his face smashed on piano keys by ?
  • Alka Seltzer mishap
  • kicking something or someone on the stage floor
  • Dave setting up Paul to play a theme of some sort
  • exploding Jif peanut butter
  • eating a pancake at home / gets away from him / stunt man playing Dave does the splits and lands on a counter to avoid it
  • splat! / soaked with red something-or-other
  • jumps off the roof
  • 7/11/11 [3518]: spoof of the guy who broke the theater door / (Paul, swinging a bat): "Yeah, you stole the best 29 years of my life! Yeah! Screw you and this God-forsaken place! Rot in hell, Letterman, you wrinkled old bastard! Ya!"

    (YouTube)

•••
Alec Baldwin plugs his podcast: "Here's the Thing."

Alec begins with an observation that after May 20, the only ones in the building sure to get a job are the CBSO. Dave says everyone will work but him.

And it's off to the kids discussion. Carmen Baldwin is 19 months old, and Hilaria is pregnant with a boy. Alec's 57, Dave age when Harry arrived. (Dave): "People must think I'm the biggest fool alive. I don't care. I have loved every second of it." Now, with kid #2 on the way, Alec needs to work to the age of 75. Dave wonders about travel with two kids. Alec did Mission Impossible 5 with Tom Cruise last fall. He was in Morocco and London, and kept having to go back for retakes. Back to Carmen: We see her out and about with Alec, wearing sunglasses, reminding us of Paul. How will she handle a baby getting lots of attention? Now she has a monarchical view of the world. Alec imitates British royalty. She'll be sharing power in the household soon. (YouTube)

Alec had another one of his dustups on April 15. He was annoyed that rush hour traffic in Midtown was being blocked by thousands of protestors making their case for living wage. He took to Twitter, and once again stirred up the masses. Alec says he appreciates the point the protestors were making, but irritating lots of New Yorkers in the process might not be the best strategy. Going to commercials, we see a photo of Alec, probably in his first visit with Dave, on 11/17/82.

••• Since Alec's entire segment was 15 minutes, the Act 5 Audience Pan fits in here. Alan: "You win, haters. Because of your hurtful YouTube comments, I'm removing my napkin folding videos." •••
Now we're back with Alec. Dave wants to hear the story of Alec's Tony Bennett impression, and we get a sample. He has a story about being with the Saturday Night Live writers. Lorne Michaels would get them food several times a day, so they'd watch TV, and that's when he got the idea for the impression. Eventually Tony Bennett ended up on SNL, and played a Tony Bennett impersonator.

It's time for Dave's presents! Alec has a holographic gift bag, loaded with seven alarm clocks. Dave can symbolically throw 'em at a wall in retirement, because he doesn't have to get up early. (except he will, because he drives Harry to school) Dave does a test throw, as one flies into the backdrop. There's also a loufa glove, because Dave will be able to linger in the shower in the days to come. And that's Dave's last visit with Alec. (He'll show up on the podcast, won't he?)

••• bumper: "Steve Young's Backstage Oddities" / We see a world globe with part cut out, as if it's someone's head, setting atop a mannequin. I don't remember that one. ••• John Mayer, seven-time Grammy® winner, performs "American Pie," accompanied by the CBSO. It's amazing... a nine-minute song. I don't know how he remembered all those words, because there's new lyrics along the way, along with the familiar chorus. It was a wonderful performance, and will be duly recorded in my Late Show Year in Review as a top musical performance. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Look at this hilarious tweet Bill Scheft laid on us this April 20 evening. We all know Bruce didn't spawn any of the Kardashians, but it's awesome, nonetheless.

4/20/15 [4192]: "From the most-photographed covered bridge in Vermont, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Dave runs across the stage tonight. / No side trip to the red column. / Leave me alone, Google searchers! •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's mysterious audience shout out: "Thank you so much! If you're really good, we'll get you a jacket."

"Great news! Something we normally make fun of, but now it's turned into a wonderful thing: the New York Mets have won eight in a row. Eight games in a row the Mets won! Astronomers say this won't happen again for 10,000 years."

Tim Tebow may be back in football with the Philadelphia Eagles. Yup. The Eagles signed Tim Tebow, and the general manager was immediately checked for a concussion. I'll tell ya, that Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg."

••• interruption: Alright! My heroes and spiritual advisers, R.J. Fried and Joe Grossman, the Kings of Eye Contact, are moseying out to Dave's mark.
(Dave): "Look! It's R.J. and his friend, Joe. They both work upstairs. Hi, guys."

(R.J.): "Hi, I'm R.J. I work upstairs."

(Paul): "Yeah."

(Joe): "I'm Joe. I work upstairs with R.J."

(Dave): "Right. I think I... just said that. Well, what brings you guys out here tonight? Nice to see you! How's everything going? Good? You look great! What's goin' on?"

(R.J.): "Uh, I saw the Paul Shaffer highlight reel on Friday's show."

(Dave): "Yeah. We ran a little reel of his highlights, bein' on the show. It was great! It was good fun."

(R.J.): "Yeah, and I put together one of me and Joe."

(Dave): "You and Joe, in a highlight reel?"

(Joe): "We worked on it all weekend."

(Dave): "And is it ready to go now?"

(R.J.): nods

(Dave): "OK! Let's take it away. It's the highlight reel. Roll it!"

video:

(cue flute music, I think, probably from some sappy, tear-jerking movie)

(from 6/25/14): Joe comes downstairs with R.J. He saw him last night, and it looked like he was having a blast.

(from 2/24/15): R.J. helps Joe pitch Jeb Bush jokes.

(from 2/27/15): "Who Asked for It?": R.J. and Joe try to weasel out of working on St. Patrick's Day

(from 2/24/15: Dave boots R.J. and Joe after a lackluster performance on Jeb Bush jokes.

(Dave): "Wow. Well, that was a complete waste of time."

(R.J.): "Glad you liked it."

(Dave): "Yeah. OK. Get out."

(CBSO): fires up Metallica's "Enter Sandman"

(Dave): gets 'em pointed in the right direction

••• A big story last week was that TSA agents at Denver International put together a scheme so they could grope guys. Dave, the model citizen, announces, "If security is at stake, I don't mind an occasional groping... if it's going to keep America free." / video report:
(clips): security area

(voice-over): "In the wake of the groping scheme, the TSA is pleased to offer passengers a new, more private, home groping program."

(demo video instructions): "Place groin to screen now."

(animated TSA agent flexes his fingers)

(video of home viewer): A guy in his living room says, "I'd love to place my groin to the screen," and he does just that.

(TSA logo and voice-over): "The TSA. Those are three letters from the alphabet."

••• How about that Marco Rubio on Face the Nation yesterday?
(Face the Nation opening graphic)

(clip): Bob Schieffer with Sen. Rubio)

(Bob Schieffer voice-over): "We started with a simple question."

(Bob, on camera with Marco): "Why do you want to be president."

(Marco, in a Late Show Unfair Edit): "Well, that's a hypothetical that will never happen."

(Bob): "Senator, we thank you."

(Marco, smiling): "Thank you."

(Face the Nation graphic): cherry trees in blossom

••• "Rick Perry: Master of the Silent Screen" / video:
(title graphic and opening notes of a Sousa march)

(wacky music... which I can't name)

(clips): A bespectacled Governor Perry, at a Republican leadership summit, waves his arms and points as he speaks.

(title graphic and opening notes of a Sousa march)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, guys with comeovers. Look on the bright side: You must be doing pretty well if you own a comb." / a plug for AT&T •••

ACT 2:

desk chat:

Dave talks to Paul about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony for 2015, held in Cleveland. For the 30th time, Paul and his band, whether the CBSO or the WMDB, have been the house band. Inductees were Ringo Starr (as a soloist), the "5" Royales, the Paul Butterfield Blues Band, Green Day, Joan Jett & the Blackhearts, Lou Reed, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble and Bill Withers.

Dave segues into his annual rant about the Paul and the CBSO not being inducted. (I was thinking about this very topic earlier today.) Paul explains that the Hall is about records, and they're a cover band. (Dave): "If Paul and his friends are not inducted, I will leave this damn show." You heard it here first.

•••

In New York City, you meet all kinds of people. Dave takes us back 20 years to a segment from 2/13/95: "May We Press Your Pants Please? / video:

Dave, watching in the studio via an outside cam, calls a citizen aside, and hits the jackpot. John, our new friend, is passing by Da Tommaso at 903 8th Avenue, about a block from the Ed. Immediately upon being stopped, he tries to sell Dave a fake Rolex watch for $400. He claims he got the thing five minutes earlier, around Canal Street. He agrees to go to a dry cleaner and get his pants pressed, then comes into the Ed, where he sells Dave the watch for $100 + a $20 tip on a Valentine's Day special. Before money changes hands, he's now claiming that he got the watch in Peekskill. Back at his desk, Dave hollers over to Paul, "Are there two Ls in Rolex?" The question I'm left with is why was John carrying the watch instead of wearing it, if it came from Peekskill?

Unless I have my wires crossed, this segment, which had Dave laughing nonstop, was repeated during the Prime Time Special (PT 4) on 11/23/98.

(YouTube)

•••
John Travolta is in to plug The Forger, set to open on April 24. John's happy to announce that he's been on the show now and then for over 25 years, with his first appearance supposedly on LNDL on 10/11/89. [I can't find John appearing on LNDL until 5/14/92, and another archive I checked agrees with me. What puzzles me is the movie he mentions in the next paragraph came out in 1989. Maybe I'm just wrong!]

Here's John's goodbye for Dave:

"Before we get started, if you don't mind, I need your permission to give just a little, tiny homage to you. Is that OK? (to the audience): OK, it's been 25 years, OK? My first time on your show was for Look Who's Talking. It was 1989, and you were so kind to me, because I had heard that you wanted me on your show, and I felt very welcomed. And for 25 years, you've been so kind to me, and so caring, and you always made me look funnier than I actually was." (I left out Dave's interjections.)
Dave wants to talk about aircraft. John has five of 'em, and flew one to the interview. The next stops are Hawaii and Tahiti, a birthday trip for Ella, who was 15 on April 3. (This isn't hooky. She's home schooled.) Ben's going, too. He's 4½. John says Ben loves his big red Dodge Ram "pickup truck." (In Kansas, we say "pickup.")

Ben told John he wants to work with him, so his awesome mom, Kelly, brings him out, but the minute he's put on the floor, he high-tails it.

Out of commercials, Dave asks if teenage girls are more difficult than boys. Nope. The home schooling helps.

Back to airplanes... the family's going to the Pacific in their Bombardier Challenger 601, a twin-engine number that generally seats about 12. John will fly it. He has 9,000 hours, which is incredibly impressive. He's been flying airplanes for right at 45 years, and among his fleet is a Boeing 707... the previous model of Air Force One.

The movie's not about a money forger, but a painting forger. He gets sprung from prison in order to forge a Monet. John says 50% of classic paintings are forgeries, and only a forger can identify a forgery.

I've always liked John Travolta. He seems like a swell guy, and he's made some awesome movies. (How could you not be a swell guy if you're married to Kelly Preston?) I have John at 19 interviews on LSDL, and a couple of cameos.

••• Amy Schumer plugs Inside Amy Schumer. We learned that her mother speaks Bumper Sticker, she split up from an infectious disease specialist and her sister is a bad person. ••• Late Show Staff Selfie: Once again, I have no clue. ••• The Waterboys sing "The Girl Who Slept for Scotland." (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/21/15 [4193]: "From the visitors dugout at Fenway Park, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Dave is pleased to announce that bald eagles have come to reside in New York City. He shows the disturbing video of a large bald eagle spotting him as a baby in the Letterman yard, grasping the infant with its talons and flying away with him. Unfortunately, Dave was never seen again. Hmm... is that a little white dress that young Dave was wearing?
••• monologue interruption:
A well-dressed gent comes out to visit with Dave at his mark. We've never seen him before. They shake hands and exchange pleasantries.

(Dave): "Oh... ohh. My gosh, hi. I'm Dave Letterman. Nice to see ya."

(Bill Duffy): "Mr. Letterman, how are you? Good to see you."

(Dave): "Pleasure."

(Bill Duffy): "Yes. I'm Bill Duffy..."

(Dave): "Oh, Mr. Duffy..."

(Bill Duffy): "Yes. I'm from the Pulitzer Prize board." (Pewlitzer)

(Dave): "Pulitzer." (Pullitzer)

(Bill Duffy): "Yes. And, as you may know, it's that time of year where we award the coveted Pulitzer Prizes."

(Dave, taking exception to his pronunciation): "Pulitzer."

(Bill Duffy): "Well..."

(Dave): "I'm very excited!"

(Bill Duffy): "I think you're going to be very excited..."

(Dave): "OK!"

(Bill Duffy): "...about this news. It is my pleasure to award the Pulitzer Prize for Excellence in Cue Cards to Mr. Todd Seda!"

(Todd, grinning from ear to ear): "Oh, my gosh! Awesome! I won the Pulitzer! Thank you, sir! Thank you!" (Pewlitzer)

(Todd holds up the award for America to see.)

(Dave): "That's not... that's not the real... You're not... you're not with anybody! You're not with the Pulitzer people."

(Meanwhile, Todd mugs for the camera.)

(Dave): "That's just... Todd, stop it! Stop it! It's not real."

(Paul): "Come on!"

(Dave, overcome by jealousy): "You're makin' us sick. You didn't win anything! Todd... can we? Todd, next joke, please? Todd?"

(Todd): "Sorry.

Todd's holding a cue card for a Pete Rose joke that got edited out.

(YouTube)

••• Not every journalist can win a Pulitzer Prize. / "Journalists Who Did Not Win a Pulitzer Prize" / video:

(me): For this feature, we're taken back to LSDL 1/29/13 [3795].

WWSB-TV ABC 7 reporter Linda Carson is inside the goat pen at the Manatee County Fair in Palmetto, Florida. / "Linda, How Long Will the Goats Be at the Fair?" / video:

(clip): Linda Carson, in a pen with some goats

(Ms. Carson): "... two, one. The judging is complete, so come on out and meet the winners." (pets a goat's head) "The goats will be here through Saturday, and they're very friendly! From the Manatee County Fair, Linda Carson, ABC 7..." (She leans down to the recently-petted goat's level, then addresses said goat.) "Would you not eat my pants?"

(allegedly-friendly goat head-butts Linda, who screams and falls backward, laughing)

(YouTube video)

(Dave): "I'm being told she's OK."

••• Kraft Macaroni and Cheese™ is a big deal in America... a great success story. For example, most prisoners look forward to it as their first meal when released from the slammer. Kraft has announced that they're taking all the artificial ingredients out of it. / video report:
(photo): Kraft sign outside a plant, then Kraft Macaroni and Cheese packages

(voice-over): "Kraft has listened to increasingly health-conscious consumers, and soon our Macaroni and Cheese will no longer contain artificial preservatives or synthetic dyes. For devoted fans of the current formula, stuck up now, as supplies will only last until our powdered chemical cheese reserves have been depleted."

(video): A shirtless, well-tanned gent is ankles-deep in a mound of yellow cheese that appears to be several stories tall.

(voice-over): "Kraft Macaroni and Cheese: The taste of Italy."

••• Bernie Sanders is a United States Senator from Vermont. (An audience lady squeals at the mention of his name.) / "Meet Bernie Sanders" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(photo): Bernie close-up

(voice-over): "Bernie Sanders is political independent, serving his second term as the junior Senator from Vermont."

(Bernie clip): "It is called oligarchy, and that is the system we are rapidly moving toward."

(voice-over): "He also stars on Curb Your Enthusiasm, as Larry David."

(clip of Larry David): "I'm not gonna say anything! OK? I'm gonna keep my mouth shut, and let you die!"

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching, 'Meet Bernie Sanders.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Learn from my mistake: Dry cleaners are worse than useless when it comes to getting stains out of velvet paintings." / a plug for DirecTV ••• ACT 2:

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Ford. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Latest Secret Service Meeting /

10. "We won't have more fence jumpers if we remove the fence."

9. "How do they get past the 'no trespassing' sign?"

8. "You know, technically, they're 'fence climbers.' "

7. "Why doesn't the president just move to a safer neighorhood?"

6. "The fence jumper's name is Candy Kane." (a shout out to an audience lady)

5. "Have we tried a fence around the fence?"

4. Sorry I'm late--slow-moving prostitute."

3. "You don't work here--how'd you get in?"

2. "One more screw-up and you're all going back to groping air travelers."

1. "Who wants to ride the gyrocopter?"

••• Out of the TTL, Dave asks Paul where Alan is. Biff also has no idea. What? Why is there a poster of Rita Hayworth behind Alan's perch? This is most peculiar. Dave asks Biff to poke the poster and see if Alan is back there. / At this point we cut to my play-by-play from 2/27/06 [2519]:
Biff discovers an escape route behind the poster. We're treated to a video documenting Alan's elaborately planned escape, narrated by Morgan Freeman, which reminds one of Shawshank Redemption. The title given this drama is "The Kaltershank Redemption." [Note: Michael Z. McIntee in the Wahoo reports that it was not actually Morgan who narrated. If not, the sub did a great job.) / Tragically, Alan's euphoric victory dance on Broadway leads to his being squished by a cab.

(YouTube)

•••

It's the 19th appearance of the Piedmont Bird Callers with Dave. He's claimed over the years that he bought the segment from Johnny Carson. It's the 50th anniversary of the competition.

  1. Joseph Chan is the third-place winner. He's a senior at Piedmont High School, and plans to attend UCSB. While in college, his dad, Carlton, did the same call he'll do tonight. (Dad is up in the balcony tonight.)

    Pyrrhuloxia (Cardinalis sinuatis) is the critter. Joseph does the call, which is done by whistling. He does a spectacular job! If you heard this outside, there's no way you wouldn't think it's a bird.

  2. Amy Kelleher, Becca Havian and Jo Ireland return to LSDL as the second-place winners. They appeared on 5/21/13 [3856] as the third-place winners, when they did a gyrfalcon. It's their third time in the competition. Becca's a senior who likes to act, and she has an a capella group. She's undecided on her higher education. Amy's going to Northeastern. Jo's going to Macalester College in St. Paul. She might try gender studies. (Dave): "Well, I know enough not to make a joke."

    The three do a wild turkey. This involves Becca pounding on Jo's back, with Amy in front with a high-pitched part.

  3. Maret Sotkiewicz and Tyler Ellis won first place on April 17. They're juniors. Maret's going to be a lifeguard this summer, and is going to Indonesia. Tyler's going to Northwestern U. to study theater for five weeks.

    Maret and Tyler do a Pacific loon (Gavia pacifica)

    Do you remember Dave's impression of a loon? (.mp3)

    In the actual competition, many of the contestants wear a pointy bill. Maret and Tyler got a big traveling trophy, and will all the winners, get a mini-chicken to keep.

    Thus endeth another fun Letterman tradition.

    (video)

•••
Paul Rudd's back with Dave, this time to plug Ant-Man, set to open on July 17. I must say, Paul has his hands full attempting to plug this one. Paul was born in New Jersey, but grew up in his later years in Overland Park, Kansas, where my sister and brother live. He attended Shawnee Mission West, and then took a wrong turn in life by attending KU in Lawrence. We all feel badly for him about that choice.

Paul's very happy to visit about our Kansas City Royals, the 2014 American League pennant winners. They're leading the American League as of today, at 11-3. 2014 was the first time the Royals made postseason play since winning the World Series in 1985. In Kansas City, the Royals, the Chiefs and barbecue are beloved. Paul sort of explained that there is Kansas City, Missouri, and Kansas City, Kansas. Greater Kansas City is made up of several dozen cities, with 25 over a population of 10,000. I know these things because I was born in Kansas City, Kansas.

Good timing with work allowed Paul to be present for the ALCS championship game. We saw him interviewed on TV after the big win. He made the mistake of announcing a victory kegger at his mom's house. ($5 cover) People showed up. Oops.

(YouTube)

bumper: Steve Young's Backstage Oddities: It's a basketball shoe.

Let's take a break in the action for the Act 5 Audience Pan: "They say there's one rat for every New York City resident--but how do I know which one's mine?"

OK... now more Paul:

Now's the time when Paul attempts to explain the story behind Ant-Man. All you need to know is he becomes very small when he puts on the Ant-Man costume or whatever, and you don't have to watch this until July.

Paul concludes by displaying his David Letterman Fan Club button and sponge, which he got back in the 80s. Now, many years later, on national TV, he places the sponge in H2O for the first time, and then uses it to tidy up Dave's desk top. (At least he didn't get farther over, where that cobra took a dump on the desk on 2/02/15.)

(YouTube)

••• Chaka Khan, a 10-time Grammy winner, accompanied by the CBSO, sings Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/22/15 [4194]: "From the Illinois State Fair poultry barn, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Dave's back to running across the stage. •••

MONOLOGUE:

Dave begins the monologue with a fashion show.

"In honor of Earth Day, I'm doing tonight's show with absolutely no energy."

"As humans, the very least we can do is recycling. ... You've gotta recycle stuff. ... A lot of recycling going on this year... for example, Bushes and Clintons. We're recycling all of them."

"New Yorkers, every week, create 15 pounds of garbage. Every week. One week... 15 pounds of garbage. Every New Yorker. Now, of course, that goes up if you're disposing of a body."

We have bald eagles now in New York. "Here's an interesting ornithological fact: Most bald eagles compensate by growing facial hair."

"This could be me in retirement. ... So this guy's having trouble with his computer, so he unhooks it... takes it out in the alley... pulls out a gun... shoots it eight times. Shoots it eight times. Shoots his computer eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her e-mails."

••• Here's a special Earth Day announcement. / video:
(photo): planet earth, as seen from space

(soft guitar music)

(voice-over): "Earth Day... April 22nd. It's the day we take special care of our precious planet."

(scenes from nature)

(voice-over): "So remember:

Don't pour used motor oil
Down the drain
until April 23rd
Don't dump it until the stroke of midnight"
(graphic): "A public service message from the Sierra Club"
••• monologue interruption:
(graphic): CBS News Special Report

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report.

(action clips)

(voice-over): "Quarterback Tim Tebow has officially been signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. He will report to training camp on... And he's just been cut. We now return you to CA$H GRAB, already in progress."

••• Senator Bernie Sanders from Vermont is running for president. / "Bernie Sanders: Gettin' It Done" / video:
(title graphic and circus music)

(Senator Sanders, at a lectern): "If I go on too long, yank me. That's alright. I've been yanked, once or twice before."

(title graphic and circus music)

••• The Koch Brothers from Wichita are billionaires, and they have come out in support of Scott Walker for president. As it happens, they're in the audience. Dave looks over at Nancy Agostini. "No, they're not. Stop it! The staff think I'm dumb." ... "Charles and David Koch... the Koch brothers? Where are they? Stand up and prove it." The CBSO begin playing that peppy song they have for such occasions, and the brothers rise. Suddenly they're in the aisle. Grabbing each others' ankles, they form a ball, roll out of the back of the theater, take a bow and exit. Their Massachusetts Institute of Technology educations have been put to good use. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tech Tip: Frequently change the password on your microwave oven. / a plug for Microsoft Cloud •••

ACT 2:

The Daytime Emmy Awards will be seen this week. We go back to a clip from 5/23/00 [1410]: Famous spaceman Dr. Buzz Aldrin served as correspondent to the Daytime Emmys. / video:

(action graphic): E! Network

(clip): We see Col. Aldrin, all suited up, on a sidewalk near Radio City Music Hall.

(Buzz): "I'm Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin, and I'll be your personal guide along with red carpet."

(with Liz Keifer of The Guiding Light): "How many seasons have you been on The Guiding Light?"

(Liz): "For eight seasons."

(Buzz): "I walked on the moon."

(with Adrienne Frantz of The Bold and the Beautiful): "There's no red carpet to the moon, you know? It's a grueling, four-day ordeal."

(Adrienne): "Wow!"

(with Erika Page of One Life to Live): "Are you excited to be here?"

(Erika): "Yes. I'm very excited! Are you?"

(Buzz): "I was excited, that time I walked on the moon!"

(Erika): "Really?"

(with Grant Aleksander of The Guiding Light): "How many seasons have you been on Guiding Light?"

(Grant): "Let me put it this way. You were..."

(Buzz): "I walked on the moon!"

(with Annie Parisse and Michael Park of As the World Turns): "You know, sometimes astronauts have no choice but to urinate in their spacesuits."

(Annie): "Ewwww."

(action graphic): E! Network

(YouTube)

••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Ford. Dave drops a few hints about getting a brand new Ford for his troubles. ••• Today is Administrative Professionals Day. Art Kelly has been the receptionist for the show for 15 years, and from his station upstairs, he's going to deliver the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Receptionist.
10. "Larry's out of the office; let me connect you to a different Larry."

9. "Please stay on the line while I finish this muffin." (nom nom nom)

8. (phone ringing): "Will someone answer the damn phone?"

7. "I'd love to send you some materials about Scientology."

6. (19 seconds of nonstop coughing) Dave asks Nancy Agostini if there's more. We get another six seconds' worth.

5. "I have a telephone, you have a telephone, we should hang out."

4. "Would it kill you to ask who I want to talk to?"

3. "I've been told to pretend he's in a meeting."

2. "Sit on your phone and I'll guess your weight."

1. "I'll transfer you now." (Art tosses the phone over his shoulder.)

•••
Bruce Willis is here! Dave reports that this will be his 61st appearance on the shows. [Don Giller reports it's #60.] Bruce comes out in a lovely wig... not his first time to wear a wig on the big show. He'll be plugging his debut on Broadway this fall, at a venue yet to be announced, in the stage adaptation of Stephen King's Misery. Elizabeth Marvel will play the Kathy Bates role. With the wig, Bruce is recreating his look from the first time he appeared with Dave on LNDL, December 9, 1985. He says he's "scared to death" over the stage role.

Bruce had his 60th birthday in March. He's aged considerably in the past month, as he's now 74.

Rumer's been appearing on Dancing with the Stars, and Bruce says there was a big melee involving the judges the other day. They had to turn the cameras off. They needed referees. They needed Mahatma Ghandi to straighten things out.

There's going to be a sixth Die Hard. Bruce bet someone over it when they made the first one. It's not in production yet.

The Late Show has a compilation of Bruce's appearances over 30 years.

10/11/94 [251]: enters on a motorcycle
11/09/95 [483]: FROM LOS ANGELES: Bruce enters on top of a speeding SUV
?? Bruce enters on a rope
?? gunplay!
10/11/99 [1303]: (??) in chains
?? in a leather jacket, wig and sunglasses
6/25/07 [2773]: propeller cap
9/25/09 [3186]: wearing a light blue "Scanket"
5/06/09 [3110]: rubber band helmet
?? I don't know what that thing on his head is!
?? as a cheerleader
?? in an orange suit
7/15/13 [3878]: entering on a citibike
?? Dave draws a funny face on Bruce's bald noggin.
?? with an 8 ball drawn on his noggin
?? in a brunette lady's wig
?? in a crazy wig
6/10/03 [1997]: peat moss wig
2/12/13 [3805]: wearing a pope hat
11/13/08 [3017]: in a Sarah Palin wig and glasses
6/10/03 [1997]: peat moss wig
4/06/04 [2149]: Donald Trump wig
?? Dave removes an embarrassed Bruce's wig
10/11/99 [1303]: Bruce does stunts via his image on a TV (into a bathtub of goo)
?? face covered with who-knows-what
6/08/09 [3128]: action movie, on a ski slope
?? another wig, singing
3/02/11 [3458]: bogus clip from Vanessa's 2008 High School Musical 3: Senior Year, with Bruce Willis as a high school basketball player, singing his heart out
8/29/13: in a bikini, dancing
?? as a zombie?
?? in a frizzy orange wig in the green room
10/04/10 [3375]: as a teenage warlock
?? Bruce, upstairs, punches a staffer. (with Todd at Art's desk) Then Todd gets it.
?? Dave breaks a bottle over Bruce's head.
5/17/06 [2557]: under water, in the "Will It Float?" tank
?? coughing up something
?? 'splosions!
6/25/07 [2773]: a dive from the roof into a pool, which he misses
?? shoots Shecky in a conference room
?? breaking The Dome
A bumper of Bruce on 12/08/85 concludes his awesome run on the Late Show.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, Europeans try to defend their bizarre system of shoe sizes." ••• desk chat: Bruce Willis: what a guy! •••
Jim Gaffigan is on to plug... you heard it right... an appearance at Madison Square Garden on December 12.

He reminds Dave that they're both from Indiana originally, and as he told his dad of the Midwest when he was growing up, "No one should live there."

All his stand-up work has led to being called by name at La Guardia. Jim runs through all the wacky questions new travelers ask of the TSA in the security check.

Also, watch for The Jim Gaffigan Show this summer. This business of working with other people (as opposed to stand-up with him and a microphone) takes some adjustment. He jokes that he doesn't like people.

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: Rob Burnett! ••• Dawes sing a number from their album, "All Your Favorite Bands." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/23/15 [4195]: "From somewhere along the Continental Divide, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Michael J. Muller is sitting in for Felicia Collins. •••

KNOW WHAT I NOTICED TONIGHT?

There's been a white paint streak (something white, anyway) on the right front of Dave's desk for months, near the top, just under the lighted area, in the corner by the #1 guest chair. It was kind of a narrow, diagonal line. It's gone... but on HDTV, you can see a slight sign of where it was. Some finally noticed it and cleaned it off. It was there during Paul Rudd's interview on April 21, but gone for Bruce Willis's interview on April 22, and obviously, today. Looking back at my video captures, it showed up about December 15, but then it seemingly got longer, and stayed for four months. I guess it'll be an unsolved mystery.
MONOLOGUE:
Dave begins the festivities with, "Hey, Biff, how's your knee?" Biff had the onstage knee injury on 2/08/10, and was out two months in 2014 after a knee replacement. He'd also gotten one scoped on 3/04/04. We're sorry he's had a rough time with knees.

Bill De Blasio: "Here's what he has... a goal for New York City. Listen to this. Goal for New York City, with the idea of savin' the planet. Not a bad notion. Goal for New York City is zero garbage. Great! That's our main export! What the hell are we gonna do?"

"Six months from now, they'll be turnin' dumpsters into studio apartments."

Today is Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Hold on. Dave takes a second look at the cue card. He's focusing on daughter, which the card clearly shows, but he thinks it's supposed to say otter. "Holy crap! I thought it was Take Your Otter to Work Day." That's right. Dave brought his otter, Billy, to the Ed today. We see video of Billy sitting at a table upstairs, eating some sort of cereal or pet food from a bowl. Ha! We're looking back at 10/27/14 [4106], with the same pet otter, then named Collin, chowing down. Billy sure could use an opposable thumb. We should all pause and give thanks that Sully hasn't gotten a hold of Billy.

••• Stay tuned for a new segment: "Lindsey Graham: A Passion to Lead." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday, split-screen with Lindsey): "Carly Fiorina told us a couple of weeks ago that there's a 90% chance that she will get into the race. What's the percent chance that you're gonna get in?"

(Sen. Graham): "91."

(Chris): "Seriously?"

(Sen. Graham drawls): "Yeah, I think so."

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• "Journalists Who Did Not Win A Pulitzer Prize" / video:
(title graphic)

(male Australian reporter holding a huge chicken): "They're being judged today at the show."

The chicken starts flapping and trying to get away.

(reporter screams): "Ahhhhhhhhhh."

(title graphic)

••• Pope Francis is a great guy. People love him. He invited a bunch of rabbis over the other day for a fun banquet. / video:
(huge gathering at the Vatican)

(Pope Francis, at a lectern... or a pulpit?): "Every Jew I know is going to a doctor, coming from a doctor, looking for a doctor. Every Gentile is going for a beer, and every Jew is going to a doctor. Every Jew is going to a doctor. 'Why are you going to a doctor? Are you sick?' 'Not right now, but I'm not going to wait until the last minute.' "

(Rabbis in the house applaud.)

(Pope Francis): "Every Jew is sick. A Jew can be 12 years old. There's something pulling, schlepping, hurtin'. Ever see a Gentile tell you he's sick? I never heard that. A Gentile could crush into a wall... be bleeding to death. 'How do you feel?' 'Great!' A Jew comes out of a limousine. 'I'm tired.' "

(me): I think we were hearing Jackie Mason (Yacov Moshe Maza).

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Inspirational Message: Don't curse the darkness. Eat a candle." / a plug for T Mobile •••

ACT 2

From 11/07/95, a fun Sweeps remote: Dave's in a long, red 1970s (?) convertible. He's headed for the streets of Los Angeles, as we hear the encore song of every Beach Boys concert, "Fun, Fun, Fun."

First stop is a Midas®. Who needs brake problems? Let's go for a ride on the hydraulic lift, and let's squish some stuff with the tires on the way back down.

At Taco Bell®, Dave orders 1,000 tacos, and he gets 'em!

Next is a Candid Camera stunt. Dave does the old chocolate dip stick gag. The sanitized hose that will be the tube the dipstick sets in is filled with chocolate syrup, and Dave puzzles by AAA driver by licking it.

smashing pumpkins!

Dave, with a bullhorn, distributes free tacos. Citizens come running!

smashing cartons of eggs

It's the old "weld an overstuffed paper bag of groceries to your trunk lid and drive around nochalantly" gag!

offering tacos to neighborhood dogs / no takers

squishing powder bottles

hydraulic lift races

more licking chocolate

free tacos for everyone on a bus!

smashing potato salad!

We had the mostest fun back in November '95!

•••
Robert Downey, Jr., who I think has been an especially good guest in recent years, is in to plug Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron, opening on May 1, they say. Dave claims this series has pulled in $5 billion at the box office. IMDB reminds us that Robert has over four decades in films. We sure all remember a couple of his mid-80s classics, Weird Science and Back to School (with Rodney). Ha! I saw this awesome quote on IMDB, "I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs."

Before we go farther, what has happened to the comma in juniors' names? Robert consistently is billed as Robert Downey Jr. It's hard to resist typing the comma, so I haven't!

Let's go straight to the kids talk. There's 21-year-old Indio Falconer, three-year-old Exton Elias and five-month-old Avri Roel, a girl. Robert shows a close-up of little Avri in a yellow knit bonnet. There's a visit about Exton's acceptance of the new kid in town. He's learning not to bite her.

We move on to a great story about Robert getting to present a 3-D printed prosthetic arm to a seven-year-old boy whose arm didn't quite develop. (US Weekly) 3-D printing allowed this to happen with $350 worth of plastic. In the past, a prosthesis could cost tens of thousands of dollars. Robert credits the people who made this happen. He just presented it to give the boy some fun. (YouTube)

into commercials, we see a bumper of Avri.

Robert's 50th birthday was on April 4. He threw a party for himself, which he won't do every time, but the big five-0 called for it. He rented an aircraft hangar, then he paid the bill. It was a party for people. Robert invited some airplanes, but they unfortunately couldn't make it. Robert booked Duran Duran, who opened for Steely Dan. The Steely Dan guys invited him up front to sing "Reelin' in the Years" with them, but he didn't know the words.

(YouTube)

Now, to the movies. I have no business writing about 'em, because I haven't seen 'em. The last thing I saw Robert in was Ally McBeal episodes. Oops.

In pre-production for a 2016 release is Captain America: Civil War. In this one, Tony Stark / Iron Man will fight Captain America. He won't tell us who wins. Oh... Elizabeth Olsen is in it. She's so cute!

What a cast for Age of Ultron! We'll see Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson (Dave's guest on 4/27), James Spader, Paul Bettany (Jennifer Connelly's roommate) and that hottie, Cobie Smulders. He actually gets to act with some of them, in spite of lots of CGI.

We see one of Shecky's b/w clips. It's Robert vs. a very large, very awkward robot. OK, now we'll see the real clip.

The CBSO play into commercials with "Reelin' in the Years," and we see a bumper of Robert on LNDL on 8/01/90.

(YouTube)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, you'll meet an extraorginary marmoset that's been banned from every casino in Las Vegas." •••
Chris "Mad Dog" Russo is up next. He's always busy with his mad dog duties. There's the Sirius XM program, Mad Dog Sports Radio. He has a Major League Baseball program that premiered on Opening Day, High Heat with Christopher Russo. Chris first appeared with Dave on LNDL on 2/22/91, and on LSDL on 9/09/93 [9], for a total of over 30 visits.

A major topic is Dave's irritation at how long Major League Baseball games are these days, with all the promotions, commercials, pitcher changes, throws to first base, etc. Chris says that with the giant salaries, you have to finance them somehow, so we won't see huge changes in commercials. Gone are the days of a 02:15 game.

Into commercials, we see a bumper of Chris on LNDL on 2/22/91, followed by a bumper of Elvis Costello on LNDL on 8/23/82.

•••
It's Elvis Costello's 27th appearance. He'll be in Seattle on April 26, at the Paramount Theatre. Elvis was the musical guest at my first Late Show taping, on 5/08/96 [587]. I won a trivia contest, and CBS flew me and my friend to San Francisco for the big show. We even got a Lincoln Town Car and driver. (link) I started DDY's Late Show Fan Page the next month, in the first week of June 1996. Elvis and The Quills sing.

(YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• We close with a bumper of Dave's otter, Billy/Collin.

4/24/15 [4196]: "From the employee break room at the Large Hadron Collider, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Michael J. Muller is sitting in for Felicia Collins. •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Mayor de Blasio, the current mayor of New York City, wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. And I said, 'Well, heck... forget about producing way too much garbage. How about late night talk shows?' "

"Every year, the New York City subway system handles 1.7 billion riders. 1.7 billion riders, they handle almost 2... I was on the subway this morning. They handled me!"

"But the subways are so crowded now, there's no room for me to break dance."

••• The Heinz® ketchup people are going for mustard now. / video:
(clip): boy grabbing ketchup from a refrigerator

(upbeat female voice-over): "America's favorite ketchup, Heinz, is setting its sights on mustard."

(photo): Heinz mustard bottle

(voice-over continues): "Heinz mustard is made from the finest natural flavorings, distilled vinegar, a special blend of salt, onoin powder and other spices, sugar and the freshest, juiciest vine-ripened, red tomatoes.

(action clip of Heinz mustard being applied to a hot dog): It's bright red!

(voice-over): "Heinz mustard. It's ketchup!"

••• "Journalists Who Did Not Win a Pulitzer Prize" / video:
(title graphic)

(back story): Melissa Mahan Leaving Fox 25 / On a remote, Melissa's IFB audio failed, and she didn't know she was live. She made the 8/26/13 [3894] Late Show, among others, in "Local News Highlight of the Night." / video:

(We join WFXT, Fox 25 Boston, for tonight's fun, beginning with Mark Ockerbloom and Maria Stephanos in the studio.)

(Mark): "Melissa Mahan is in Brockton for us tonight, where the DA just provided an update. Melissa?"

(Melissa Mahan, live): She's looking down at something, then says, "Hmmm?" Her eyes open wide in shock. "What? What? Right now? Oh, hi. Good evening."

(title graphic)

••• Pope Francis is taking on global warming. Let's take a look at the Vatican City Climate Change Summit. / video:
(clip): Pope Francis, out and about

(voice-over): "On April 28th, Pope Francis convenes the Vatican City Climate Change Summit. Join us as we discuss the most pressing environmental issues facing our planet, including greenhouse gases, rising sea levels and unstoppable winds."

(another Pope Francis clip): The pontiff is outside addressing the multitudes, attired in all white, and there's a ridiculous wind. It blows off his little white skull cap, and his sleeves flap in the breeze. Another part of his vestment flaps up over his head, like a white hoodie.

(FX): slide whistle

(voice-over): "The Vatican City Climate Change Summit."

(upbeat Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Obstructed view tickets still available."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: The longest recorded struggle to get an ice cube out of the tray was 17 hours, 9 minutes." / a plug for Nationwide®

ACT 2

Dave calls Biff Henderson out, and the CBSO plays the familiar Biff theme song. He and Biff have worked together on TV since June 23, 1980 (on the morning show), and he's been a beloved friend and fixture on Dave's shows for almost 35 years! Dave says, of the end of the show, "It's like great chunks of your family have left the country." (Biff): "It's going to be very strange. It's just about half of my life!" Since Biff is more beloved than Dave, the show has put together a compilation of his work over the years. / video:

1997 NBA Finals • 2001 World Series • Super Bowl XXXVII • the Kentucky Derby • Yankees spring training • Colonial Williamsburg • Branson, Missouri • Indianapolis 500 (hollering over the roaring race cars... finally hollers "Shut up!" at the cars) • blindfolded... feeling up a cutout of Larry King • "How Long Can I Read Over Someone's Shoulder Before They Say Something?" • walking behind a Venezuelan TV reporter at Yankee Stadium • yelling drill-sergeant style at a soldier • in Times Square in October 2005... making his Newish Jew Year booboo • "There is no show today. Dave is drunk." via bullhorn from across Broadway • in an episode of "Biff Henderson's Fun with a Bullhorn" • messing with Paul Teutul and Paul Teutul, Jr. of American Chopper • onstage with a riding mower • shirtless... playing volleyball with another shirtless gent • Derek Jeter rubbing Biff's bald noggin • shirtless... with Derek Jeter in a park... rubbing his shoulders • young guy getting a tattoo of Biff's head on his thigh • with an ice sculpture of him • a portrait of Biff made with who-knows-what • a Legos portrait • a french fries and ketchup portrait [5/25/07] • an Etch-a-Sketch® portrait [11/02/07] • a chalk portrait of him on a street [7/12/07] • Curt Schilling pouring champagne on his noggin • Biff absconding with the World Series trophy • with Paul and Dave for "May We Turn Your Pants into Shorts? [5/21/96] • riding motorcycles with Paul Teutul [5/21/08] • losing his pants at a basketball game • riding on a zip line • on a remote somewhere • onstage at Tuzla, Bosnia • chopstick walrus tusks • in the post-Super Bowl victors' shower room • and in guest chair #1 with a bullhorn

Dave says, "Biff, thank you very much for your friendship. I hope to see you, my friend."

bumper: Biff on 6/23/80

(CBSO): "Gimme Some Lovin' "

(YouTube)

•••
Jerry Seinfeld's in to plug Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and to say goodbye to Dave, but he begins with a solid stand-up routine. At the end, Dave announces that it's the same exact jokes Jerry told on his first appearance on Late Night, on 5/13/82.

Jerry's fascinated with Dave's Act 1 run across the stage. He claims he couldn't do it. They go backstage to the starting point, still out of sight. Dave taps Biff twice on the lower back and takes off, as the CBSO play a bit of the theme. Seinfeld tries it now. Umm... not as good, but thanks for playing. Jerry: "That was a great honor that you just bestowed on me."

(YouTube)

Next topic: "There's one thing you've never done on the show... is be a guest." Jerry hops up on the backrest of guest chair #1, high above Dave. Then Dave takes the guest chair, and Seinfeld takes Dave's chair, which no one else is supposed to sit in. (Civilians like me have to sit on a metal folding chair when occupying Dave's desk.) Jerry: "How's that feel?" Dave: "Intimidating." Now Dave interviews Jerry from the guest chair for a while.

Now, about retirement:

(Jerry): "This whole quitting thing is the stupidest thing..."

(Dave): "You're right."

(audience cheers)

(Dave): "I agree with that. You're exactly right."

(Jerry): "I want you to tell me two things. One: what you think you're doing by quitting, and what the hell you're gonna do... that's gonna make you think you did the right thing."

(Dave): "These are both valid questions, and first I would just like to say it's my wife's fault. 'Don't you think it's time we spend more time together as a family?' "

(Jerry): "Let me tell you what's gonna happen when you get home. There's not gonna be anyone there! You know why? They've moved on with their lives!"

(Dave has a big laugh.)

(Jerry): "...and you need to move on with yours, and..." (pointing at the desk) "this is your life right here!"

(Dave): "That's right."

(Jerry): "The great line from The Garry Shandling Show... Do you remember the line that Rip Torn had, when he's trying to convince Garry not to quit or something. And he said, 'You're a talk show animal... half man, half desk.' "

(Dave): another big laugh

(Jerry): "Do you remember that line? My favorite line from that series. And that's what you are."

(Dave): "Well, that's exactly right."

(Jerry): "And your whole..."

(Dave): "What am I gonna do?"

(Jerry): "I mean... tell me what you... what you're thinking! Why is this a good idea?"

(Dave): "Well, it's... Now, it's not a good idea. And, I have nothing to respond to you in the way of defense."

(Jerry): "Do you think you're going out on top, or some nonsense like that?"

(Dave): "No!"

(Jerry): "There is no top!"

(Dave): "Yeah. I'll tell you what I'm worried about mostly, is... let's just say I have to go out someplace. Where am I gonna get a suit?"

(Jerry): "Yeah. You're gonna have to... talk show.... to get another suit."

(Dave): "Is it Raymour & Flanigan?"

(Jerry): "Raymour & Flanigan, yeah."

(Dave): "Do they sell suits?"

(Jerry): "I like the one where they'll give you everything... where they'll give you suits and jackets and pants. Just get this crap out of here! There's no price too low."

Dave asks about the family. They're great. The kids are 14, 12 and nine. Jerry says the hard part is kids' concept of entertainment.

Dave says that at home over the weekend, he mentioned he only had 20-some shows left. Then he went out to play frisbee with Sully. Regina asked Harry if there was anything he was concerned about. At first Harry said no. After thinking, he asked, "Will I still be able to watch the Cartoon Network?" The angle was, Harry knows the Cartoon Network is Dave's mortal enemy. With Dave at home, will he veto it? Jerry changes the topic to the circus. Parents think kids like it. Kids think, "I guess my parents needed me to see this for some reason."

The topic turns to clowns. Jerry: "We all know that somewhere beneath all that bright color, there's a man who's not right. ... At some point he's gotta wash his face, take in his pants and start dealin' with life, like the rest of us!"

(Jerry turns to the camera and says, "We'll be back with more of Dave Letterman, here on the Late Show."

(me): This was a top-notch interview. I haven't looked at media coverage yet, but it'll get noticed. Seinfeld's long relationship with Dave made him comfortable with pretty much taking over the interview for a while... turning the tables. Furthermore, it did nothing to discourage my belief that Dave didn't really want to retire, but threw the switch because of the ratings battle.

bumper: Seinfeld on LNDL, 5/13/82

(YouTube)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "A special hello to our advertisers who've tuned in to make sure their commercials are airing!" ••• desk chat: How about that Jerry Seinfeld?! •••

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Ford. / Top Ten 2015 Prom Themes / #10: Night of a Thousand Hormones / #9: The World Before Antibiotics / #3: Goodbye dreaming, hello settling.

••• Late Show Staff Selfie: beats me! ••• Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires sing Warren Zevon's "Mutineer." Mickey Raphael accompanies on harmonica. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/27/15 [4197]: "From the VIP Lounge at Applebee's, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• Felicia Collins is back! •••

MONOLOGUE:

For tonight's audience shout out, we learn that Greta is pregnant. That's all we have on that story.

"Welcome to the Late Show. I was backstage, talkin' to Paul. Paul and I only have a few weeks left here on the Late Show, and I... yeah, I know. And I was thinkin' 'Holy crap! I'd better hurry up and use my sick days!' "

"Mayor de Blasio... I love this. Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game, he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him The Finger. What do you want? You're the mayor of New York City! It comes with the gig, pal!"

"The world's gone crazy. It turns out President Obama e-mail is being hacked. President Obama's personal e-mail is being hacked. And for a second, if you're like me, you get that, 'Oh, geez, I hope nobody's hacking my e-mail. And then I'm reminded that the only e-mail I get is for low-cost cremation. What do I care?"

"Donald Trump says he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. And I'm thinkin', 'Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!' "

"And he says if he does run for president, he'll put that thing on his head in a private trust."

••• The Kentucky Derby is set for this weekend. We'll learn more about what to expect from "Good Jockey / Bad Jockey." / video:
(title graphic and the "William Tell Overture"... maybe because it was the Lone Ranger theme)

(voice-over): "Good jockey."

(race clip and voice-over): "They're coming on fast. Justin Phillip is the one to catch! (couldn't understand it) with an amazing finish. Oh, he won!"

(voice-over): "Bad jockey."

(clip from Australia, 4/23/15): Jockey Blake Shinn and Miss Royale almost win a race, as his britches become dislocated from his ass near the finish. (uncensored video)

(title graphic, the "William Tell Overture" and, "This has been 'Good Jockey / Bad Jockey.' ")

(Dave): "Not the kind of thing you can check before you get on your horse?"

••• Do you have a Google at your house? They're getting into the Wi-Fi racket now, and here's a commercial. / video:
(screen 1): "We set out to build a new way to connect"

(screen 2): "to build a network that connects"

(screen 3): "across networks"

(screen 4): "Text Happy B-day!!!"

(screen 5): "find the next train"

(screen 6): "and send a picture of your junk"

(screen 7): "Project Fi"

(screen 8): "A new way to share your junk"

(screen 9): "Google"

••• The Daytime Emmys ran over the weekend, and here's a clip. Dave thinks it's Anthony Geary in the Emmy-winning performance. / "Daytime Emmy Award: Winning Performances" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(General Hospital clip): Anthony, as Luke, is in a junky room with his lookalike, who's wearing an orange prisoner's jumpsuit. He hollers, "I never said I was Bill Eckert!" / scene

(title graphic and awards show music)

(Dave calls for a replay.)

••• Dave cues the CBSO, and Paul introduces Todd Rundgren, who's sitting in. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I don't use my egg timer for cooking eggs. I just like knowing how long an egg has been out on the counter." / a plug for KIA Sedona •••

ACT 2

Paul says Todd's new album is "Global." ••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Amazon Prime. / Cool! It's a compilation TTL: Top Ten Special Top Ten Lists /

Paul says, "This is saying goodbye to one of America's classic, most-beloved bits." Dave comforts him, "It will be back tomorrow. Secondly, it's just somethin' we do to kill time."

10. (10/15/99): John Malkovich: Top Ten Things That Sound Creepy When Said by John Malkovich: "I put my jammies on all by myself, Mommy."

9. (7/10/01): Sean "Puffy" Combs: Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear in a Puffy Song. / #6: "Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow."

8. (10/19/00): George W. Bush: Top Ten Changes I'll Make in the White House / #7: "Make sure the White House library has lots of books with big print and pictures."

7. (6/13/11): Betty White: Top Ten Betty White Tips for Living a Long and Happy Life / #7: "The best way to earn a quick buck is a slip and fall lawsuit."

6. (3/16/10): Snoop Dogg: Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Said by Snoop Dogg / #8. "Let's go to the Gap and buy underpants."

5. (4/01/03): Will Farrell: Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy at a Bus Stop / #2: "Here bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy! Here bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy, bussy!"

4. (1/24/08): Barack Obama: Top Ten Barack Obama Campaign Promises / #7: If you bring a gator to the White House, I'll wrassle it."

3. (4/13/15): R2-D2: Top Ten Things never Before Said by a "Star Wars" Character / #6: "I just hooked up backstage with an ice machine."

2. (11/21/94): Barry White: Top Ten Things That Sound Romantic When Spoken by Barry White / #9: "Gubernatorial"

1. (8/15/12): Lionel Richie: Top Ten Rejected Lionel Richie Song Lyrics / #1: "Mitt's got a beach house / Car elevator brings Cadillacs up and down / Mitt's got a beach house."

(video)

•••
desk chat: Yesterday in Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham, Alabama, Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing's Graham Rahal and his Steak 'n Shake car finished second in the Honda Indy Grand Prix of Alabama, after passing several legendary drivers in the last 10 laps. In honor of this accomplishment, Dave's serving Steak 'n Shake milk shakes to every single audience member. (Always take your Lactaid® to Late Show tapings!) The back doors open. Pages bustle about, distributing the frosty treats, as the CBSO plays a peppy "free shakes" tune. Everyone gets a complimentary straw, as well. / bumper: Graham's finish / (me): Holy crap! In the first few seconds, I saw cars turning right. What on earth? It turns out they weren't racing on an oval.

(video)

bumper: We see the now famous leak-taking picture (with Dave and Graham front and center) that Dave hung in Steak 'n Shake on 3/30/15. (complete video)

•••
Scarlett Johansson plugs Avengers: Age of Ultron. Since her name is Scarlett, the CBSO play her on with UB40's "Red Red Wine." Are you impressed that I knew that song? Don't be. The most excellent Dave fan, Bill Lehecka, knew it.

Scarlett looks wonderful. Paul says, "That's what I'm talking about. That's a movie star!" Dave, trying to be nice, says her white dress looks like a tablecloth. Scarlett takes exception to that, so he amends his comments with "shawl." Nope. That's worse.

Scarlett: "Dave, I have to say. I'm so incredibly honored to be on one of your very last shows. The first time I was on this show... the first time I was on this show, I was 13 years old. It was 1998. I was so, so nervous, because for me, and still for me, coming on this show is like... it's like, 'You've made it when you're on David Letterman, right?' That's really the truth."

She was on to plug The Horse Whisperer, on 5/20/98. I got into my tapes tonight, and made a video of Scarlett's appearance. Unfortunately, it starts about a minute late. She was 13½ She did a great job as guest, and looked beautiful. Dave gave her a canned ham, which Dad kept for years (refrigerated, thankfully, so it didn't explode like Marilyn Sargent's).

Scarlett continues her compliments with, "Coming on this show has been like the milestone of my career, every time. ... Thank you for everything, Dave! Oh, my goodness! There's never going to be anybody like you!"

Now to the kid talk. Rose Dorothy is seven months old. Scarlett was pregnant with her while filming the big movie. She hesitates to reveal that Rose is "familiar with the sound of a 9mm."

I'm out of my league trying to write about these Marvel movies. I haven't seen any of 'em. Scarlett plays the Black Widow. We suppose that means she's kind of lethal. Dave asks what some of her favorite Scarlett Johansson movies are. She names Home Alone 3, The Horse Whisperer, Match Point and Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

Out of commercials, we see tape of Scarlett arriving on 53rd St. with camera flashes sparkling all over. Dave observes, "That wouldn't happen at my funeral, even if I got up out of the casket and went out for a corned beef sandwich." Then Dave calls for the Anthony Geary clip again. (He's still not Bill Eckert.)

Back to The Age of Ultron: I had to cheat and see what IMDB says. "When Tony Stark tries to jumpstart a dormant peacekeeping program, things go awry and it is up to the Avengers to stop the villainous Ultron from enacting his terrible plans." Oh, well then. Now I understand everything. Scarlett says it's about fighting the forces of evil. (like Kansas State playing KU)

Dave wonders about bringing up a kid these days. What will the world be like? Scarlett sees it as an opportunity. Maybe Rose will be an environmental lawyer.

Shecky has an awesome, bogus black-and-white clip. It's a remote-control reel lawnmower, chasing a lady around the lawn. Then we see the real clip, with Scarlett/Black Widow riding a motorcycle in death-defying moves. (YouTube)

bumper: We see a sweet picture of Scarlett on LNDL on 5/20/98.

(me): She was a very charming and fun guest, and well up to the "final guest" role.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show has partnered with the World Food Programme to provide disaster relief to Nepal. You can help. Visit wfp.org/lateshow and make a donation today." ••• bumper: Todd Rundgren on LNDL on 7/17/86 •••
John Mellencamp, apparently no longer a cougar, has an interview before his musical segment. He takes us back to the old days, by having a flavor-packed smoke during the interview.

John hates the road, but it keeps the songs alive. He wants to know why Todd Rundgren isn't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Dave wants to know why Warren Zevon isn't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and the same for Paul Shaffer and the CBSO. Back to the road: John just played two nights at Carnegie Hall, and two at the Apollo. Pete Seeger said, "Keep it small, and keep it goin'."

He had a heart attack a while back, but didn't know it at the time. A doctor in Indiana gave him the news. John wouldn't believe it, but he had symptoms of two hurting arms, and being grouchier than usual. The doctor told him that any first-year medical student would have made the diagnosis.

I really liked that "Jack and Diane" song, back in the MTV days.

bumper: It's John on LNDL, back on 10/26/85.

••• Before his song, John tells Dave a story about a visit with his grandma, who lived to be 100. When she was 99 ¾, she paused for a prayer with John, and said, "Me and Buddy are ready to come home." But... she had advice that's good for Dave's retirement: "Life is short, even in its longest days." He has a wonderful song, "Longest Days." I'm going to add this to my best musical guests list in my Late Show in Review 2015, or whatever I call it. (video) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: Graham Rahal

4/28/15 [4198]: "From the Senate cloak room, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's festivities begin with a call for Sue Hum to come out. She's toting about 20 of Dave's ties, and delivers them to an audience lady from Brooklyn.

"New York City... on the cutting edge of everything. To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers in the skyline at night. Dimming all of the lights here in New York City. Yeah. Oh, there's a bad side to this. The problem is, if you need Batman... if you need Batman, you have to text him."

"You want to save electricity... get Chris Christie to stop using the microwave."

••• The Avengers: Age of Ultron has already made $200 million, and hasn't opened in the U.S. It's about a select group of superheroes, so yours may not be included. / Here's "SUPERHEROES NOT IN THE AVENGERS."
(title graphic and action-adventure music)

(new graphic): Superman

(crummy soundtrack plays)

(clip that's made to look old and crummy): A guy throws a rock at Superman, who takes offense. Superman smacks him one, right in the face, and he goes flying straight up to a tree branch.

(title graphic)

••• The prime minister of Japan is visiting the White House right now, and somehow that's the premise for "Commercials Are Better in Japan." / video:
(title graphic)

(girl screaming in a snowy woods)

Animated characters, while talking baby talk, laser some kind of seasoning on the girl's container of noodles, as she screams for mercy.

(closing shot of Milk Seafood Noodle)

••• "SUPERHEROES NOT IN THE AVENGERS."
(title graphic and action-adventure music)

(new graphic): Spider-Man

Spidey approaches a cab.

(cab driver): "I'm on my way back to the garage. Where you want to go to?"

(Spidey): "Open the door, would you please? I'm not feeling well."

(title graphic)

••• For the umpteenth time, Dave claims a Tony nomination for Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater. Hmmm. Why is that man in a suit approaching Dave's mark?"
(man): "Excuse me. Mr. Letterman?"

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Dave Letterman. Nice to see you."

(man): "Hi. How are you?"

(Dave): "What's your name, sir?"

(man): "My name is Eric Berquist,..."

(Dave): "Eric, welcome to the show."

(Eric): "...curator of the Film and Television Memorabilia Exhibit at the Smithsonian Museum of American History."

(Dave): "Is that right? You came up from Washington? Oh, my God!"

(Eric): "Yes. Now, sir, did you realize that you have delivered that previous joke on this stage, every year, for over two decades?!"

(Dave, giggling): "Uhhh, well... kinda. I kinda do."

(Eric): "Yeah. Well, certainly America has noticed, and now, I humbly request the donation of the cue card on which this joke has been printed."

(Dave): "Are you kidding? That's unbelievable! Todd, yes. Do you mind?" (reaching out) "Mr. Berquist here."

(Todd turns over the evidence.)

(Eric turns to leave.)

(Dave): "Now, will you put it in a...?"

Eric's out of here.

(Dave): "They'll probably frame it."

(53rd St. cam): Eric dumps the offending card in a sidewalk dumpster, and moves on.

(Dave, to Paul): "We should have a guy on the door."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Bigfoot fans! His feet are really not that large for his size--so should we call him 'Proportionalfoot' ?" / a plug for Target •••

ACT 2

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Amazon Prime. ••• outside cam: We see the sky above Broadway. The camera turns 180° for a look toward 8th Avenue and beyond, to the Hudson River. Then it's back to Hello Deli. Rupert's at his counter, inside. Dave thanks him for his kindness over the years. He reminds us all how much people enjoy coming in. They have the usual talk about the Shaffer, his most popular item. Paul says, "Apparently there is no competition." It's a mere $7.95. Dave campaigns with Rupert to drop the Shaffer to $1.00 for the rest of Dave's version of the Late Show. (Paul): "Are you kidding? You know, one time I said to Rupert, why don't you make the Paul Shaffer sandwich something that I would actually order? He said, 'Paul, it's selling.' " OK... no more monkeying around. Rupert has the Top Ten Things I've Always Wanted to Say to Hello Deli Customers."

10. "Recommend something? Oh, I don't eat here."

9. "No matter what kind of cheese you want, you're getting American."

8. "Gay or straight, I won't cater your wedding."

7. "Legally, I can't call them hot dogs."

6. "Bring a Subway® sandwich in here, and I'll beat you with a ladle."

5. "You call it a hair, I call it garnish."

4. "Yes, I think roast beef is a great choice." (shakes head "no")

3. "Do I look like a Rockefeller? Bring your own napkins."

2. "Sorry if I'm irritable, I'm covered in mites."

1. "How about you, me and you wife go make a sandwich?"

(me): If you go in for a picture, buy a Late Show t-shirt... or a sandwich... or something!

•••
Michael Keaton and Dave go waaay back, to comedy days in Los Angeles in the 70s. What a guy! He's funny, and a tremendous actor (who just had an Academy Award nomination). The CBSO welcome Michael onstage with a jazzed-up, instrumental version of The Rivingtons' "The Bird's the Word," since Michael has a 2015 Oscar nomination for Birdman: Or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance).

Michael begins by showing Dave an iPhone picture from the show, and mentions that he picked up some memorabilia in his last visit... a computer, for example. He also yoinked some copper wiring.

Dave apologizes for asking so many questions about Birdman when Michael was in on 10/14/14, but he was fascinated by it. Michael says the film was "an odd kind of fun." The reaction was crazy. Michael has an elaborate story about an Academy Awards luncheon, and an encounter with an older actor, who he didn't know. The man said it might be the best performance he's ever seen. He goes on and on, telling how he went back to see it more times. After all the praise, Michael thought, "I am a lock!" Well, there you have it! Then the old timer adds, "Just remember, Michael. When it comes to winning an Academy Award, illness always wins."

(YouTube)

After a commercial break, Michael commandeers the telecast for his testimonial to Dave. As usual, I'm editing out some of Dave's fussing.

(Michael): "I want to thank you for all these years. It's been tremendous. You're just gonna have to sit back and hate this for a minute. Just bear down. Bear down with me. Not only... when he showed up in L.A., everyone knew it. This guy was so funny and fast! It was like somebody... when we were standin' around The Comedy Store or The Improv, and this guy showed up. Everyone kind of looked at each other, and we said, 'How long has this guy been doin' this?' And it had been about 15 minutes, and you would have thought he was doin' it for years. It was so clear how bright and funny, and, you know, that great... really great Midwestern thing. And to this day, I find funny, like Bob and Ray, and all those guys. And we became friends, and you've been consistently a friend. And, not only what you did, and... look, you had a paper route, right?" (gesturing to the theater) "Look at this! Are you kiddin' me? You were some kid in Indiana with a paper route, just livin' life. Look what you are! I mean it. It's extraordinary!" (Dave): "The same could be said for you, eight times over." ... "But congratulations, not only for what you've done for comedy and shows like this, and thanks for all the stuff you did for me! I really mean it. Thank you! I can't tell you how much I'm going to miss this. I really mean it. I kinda hate bein' here, to be honest." (Dave): "Other people will invite you places." (Dave): "Michael is the kind of guy... you wake him up in the middle of his sleep, and he'll have something funny to say. He's always funny, and he's the right kind of funny, and excuse me if that sounds effete, but it happens to be true in this man's case. And, by the way, I have awakened him in the middle of the night!" (Dave gestures shaking Michael's shoulders.): "Hello, Mike, it's Dave."

Dave wants Michael's story about Pope John Paul II. Michael calls himself a lapsed Catholic, but his mother, Leona Douglas, would go to mass every day. John Paul II was coming to the United States during a world tour. An organizing committee was inviting show business people to the stadium in Columbia, South Carolina stadium when he came there. Michael agreed, but insisted that his mother must be along, too, and be allowed to interact with the pope. He wanted face-to-face, personal interaction for her, and it was agreed. The day came. There were religious leaders from all over. The place was packed! The chance was coming. Michael knew that you're supposed to kiss the pope's ring, but didn't feel he was worthy. When the moment came, Pope John Paul II looked at his mother and said, "You pray for me." Then Michael went nuts, kissing his ring.

In the late 70s, Michael and Dave were in Mary Tyler Moore's variety show, Mary. Apparently, in every stinking episode, they had a dance routine. Dave complains that one time they had to dance while dressed as The Village People. Oops. It's time for a commercial break.

Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show has partnered with the World Food Programme to provide disaster relief to Nepal. You can help. Visit wfp.org/lateshow and make a donation today."

Now, to Michael's embarrassment of Dave: He's brought a clip of Dave sorta, kinda dancing on Mary. As Michael sets up the clip, Dave disappears underneath his desk. I don't think anybody's been under there since Nadine and Andrea were messing around with Calvert, way back when. Dave will remain under the desk while we watch a performance of Paul McCartney's 1978 "With a Little Luck." Do not miss this video! (low quality) (YouTube version)

bumper: Michael on Late Night on 3/29/82

••• Future Islands sing. It's Dave's last few days, and he loves this, but you know he loves it because it's strange. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/29/15 [4199]: "From the Swedish Cottage Marionette Theatre in Central Park, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• [Alan's microphone input isn't making it to tape, so we just hear background audio from the theater's speakers.] •••

MONOLOGUE:

Dave tells us two true things: 1) He went to Central Park for lunch, and 2) while there, he saw a coyote playing frisbee. (He didn't see a Kansas KY-Oat. He saw a New York ky-OAT-eee.)

Testimonial: "I can't tell you what our guest tonight on the program means to us over the years. What a friend! What a great educator! What a great vault of knowledge of animal behaior the world around! Jungle Jack Hanna will be on the show tonight. He's been bitten by every carnivore under the sun."

••• Because Jungle Jack's on the show tonight, there's a special feature: "Animals vs. Humans." / video:
(title graphic and classical music)

(graphic and voice-over): "Animals." / clip: It's a doggie, skillfully riding a skateboard.

(graphic and voice-over): "Humans." / clip: It's a promotional stunt. Someone in a taco costume is riding a skateboard, carrying a sign that says, "$1 TACOS @ Baby's!!" / The human taco can't see, and rides into a street and hits a moving car.

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Animals vs. Humans.' "

••• There was a preshow question about raising kids. Education is the key to success. Let's watch, "Our Struggling 8th Graders." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(photo): students in a classroom, all smiles

(voice-over): "When eighth graders were presented with a map of the United States, a shocking 72% could not find the map. 'Our Struggling 8th Graders' is a Quinn Martin production."

(title graphic)

••• Dave's minding his own business at his mark, and the tall, gray-haired gent who plays politicians and hotshots marches himself up to our host. Today he thinks he's Bill de Blasio. Let's see what he has for Dave's listeners.
(de Blasio): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Ohhh! Look, everybody. It's the city mayor New York, mayor... de Blasio. Yeah. The city of New York. It's our mayor. Mayor de Blasio. Hi, Mayor. Nice to see you."

(me): Yes, Dave really said that.

(de Blasio, waving, smiling): "Thank you."

(Dave, handshake): "Always a treat when you drop by like this."

(de Blasio): "Thank you."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. What brings you by today?"

(de Blasio): "Well, Dave, I was just passing through the neighborhood, testing out our new crosstown bus lanes, and I wanted to stop by and wish you a happy Earth Day."

(Dave): "Well, that's great, but you know, it was last Wednesday?"

(de Blasio, puzzled for a moment, then laughs): "Haaaaa! Good one! Good one!"

(Dave): "Right... Well..."

(de Blasio): "Anyway, your listeners may have heard that I've asked New Yorkers to stop booing me at baseball games."

(Dave, amused): "And how's that workin' out?"

(de Blasio, all smiles): "I have no idea!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Well... glad to see your career's goin' so good, Mayor. Thanks for droppin' by."

(de Blasio): "Thank you. I've gotta run."

(Dave): "OK."

(de Blasio): "The police chief and I are interviewing ky-OAT-ee wranglers."

(Dave): "I'll bet you are. Yeah."

(de Blasio, voice raised): "Come visit New York City! We've legalized public urination!"

(Dave): "OK. Get outta here!"

(CBSO): "New York, New York."

(Dave, to Paul): "The mayor!"

(Paul): "Nice to see him!"

(Dave): "It's always nice to see the mayor."

••• The prime minister of Japan is in Washington. Michelle Obama went out and bought new china for the White House. (Be sure to catch the yard sale this weekend, and pick up some of the old. Hop the fence and get a gravy boat.) Let's have a look at the new, dishwasher-safe Obamaware."
(Michelle): "It's beautiful, really. You guys, it really looks good! Sorry... I'm just taking a moment."

(The camera focuses on the new plates.): Chewbacca, Ronald McDonald...

(Barack): "I love that! Got a little Hawaiian in it!"

(plates): Yankee Don Mattingly1 at bat, Tom Selleck, Mr. Spock, Jackie Gleason, Jeff Gordon, David Letterman, Captain Kirk

(graphic): White House logo

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• harmonica by John Popper, and Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, " 'Forever' stamps? Good luck using them in five billion years when the sun has burned out!" / a plug for Aflac One Day Pay™ ' •••

ACT 2

Paul introduces John Popper. Once a regular, we haven't seen him since 10/14/08 [3001]! Blues Traveler has a new album, Blow Up the Moon. John says, "Thanks for 30 years of comedy, and for starting our career, by the way." ••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Amazon Prime. ••• TTL setup: The Today show visited The Orlando Eye, a new ferris wheel. Nik Wallenda walked on the damp structure this morning, in a 20 MPH wind. (video) (I couldn't watch it. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm just afraid of really narrow heights.) /

Top Ten Future Nik Wallenda Stunts

10. Jumping the buffet line

9. Locating the source of a copy machine paper jam

8. Sitting hrough a double feature of both Paul Blart movies

7. Explaining to someone how he makes a living

6. Getting between Hillary Clinton and a campaign donor

5. Cancelling a gym membership in person

4. Standing on that part of a step ladder that has the warning sign that reads "CAUTION: NOT A STEP"

3. Eating soup in a hammock

2. Attempting to sleep on a futon

1. Getting kicked right in the wallendas

•••

desk chat: Back in the day, the CBSO would write and perform theme songs for random New York City scenes. From 1998 to 2002, there were six of 'em. Here's "Pedestrian Theme Songs" from 7/29/98:

  • (guy in all white, exercising): "Can't seem to get my / Arm control back / Gonna sue those bastards / At Nordic-Trak!"

  • (guy hurrying down a sidewalk with a pet carrier): "I bought a brand new pet today / Gonna shave its fur / And make a toupee."

  • (doofus in an all-yellow suit, carring a yellow bag): "I'm searching the personals / But once again / No single white females / Seeking single yellow men"

  • (fat lady... looks like she's wearing a blanket): "Nobody knows I got drunk at lunch / Nobody knows I got drunk at - / (stumbles) / Everybody knows / I got drunk at lunch!"

  • (man hurrying down a sidewalk): "I'm walking along, here I come! / Today's my day to shine! / I can feel the / (passes a newsstand) / Oooh, new Hustler."

  • (lady in a white coat that looks like a 70s shag carpet): "I had no clothes to wear / It was a horrid situation. / Until I made a coat out of / My attic's insulation!"

  • (big truck on a street): "They're America's bravest! / They're America's finest! / They're — / (Paul, blowing the whistle on this one): "Hold it. Hold it! Never mind. It's just a neon sign company truck."

  • (dark-haired guy with moustache, eating a banana): "I kind of look / Like Burt Reynolds! /
    (new dark-haired guy, crossing a street): "I sort of look / Like Burt Reynolds!
    (new graying guy, heavier): "I almost look / Like Burt Reynolds!
    (Burt Reynolds): "I am Burt Reynolds!
•••
Dave announces Jack Hanna by quizzing Paul on how many times he's been on. Paul guesses low. Dave says it's 102. Nope. Don Giller says 100. Always go with Don Giller. How about Marv Albert? Dave says 126 times. Don Giller says 133. Regis Philbin has been on a jillion times, at least. Dave says 150. Don Giller says 155. (All of Don's numbers include cameos. He's always right.)

Jack comes out, smiling but teary-eyed. He's sentimental about his long run with Dave's shows. Dave begins by showing jack a picture of animal footsteps in snow, two days ago, in Montana. Jack nails it! Gerbil! Just jokes! He snatches the photo from Dave and says wolverine! Ding ding ding. Jack's brought his favorite animal, his wife, Sue. His daughters Julie and Suzanne are along, too.

  • baby leopards
    From Malaysia, Borneo and Sumatra, these cats will spend 90% of their lives in trees. Why are they away from their mothers? Big cats, like cheetahs, will kill their first-born 90% of the time. Jack says mountain lions will consume the baby 30 seconds after it's born. A cheetah will consume 90% of their young. As they have more litters and watch other cats, they eventually learn, and leave them alone. Just keep the males away. He doesn't know what to make of Dave's question about the males' aberrant behavior. We move on.

  • kookaburra
    The moment I heard this bird's call, I knew what it was. I used to listen to Radio Australia on shortwave all the time, and the call of the kookaburra was used as a station ID. We all know Dave's great with bird calls (like loons). He makes a call, and the little kookaburra answers him with its own. It's awesome! Then Dave brings up the singing bass gadget. This bird is so cool! It sets on its little stand, and performs as directed, as Tony Mendez always said.

  • spotted hyenas
    They're from Africa. Their cry is a sign they're happy. Jack says the crushing power of their jaws is more than any other animal their size, at least. Their poop is white, because they eat so many bones. These are youngsters, but they'll get to around 150 pounds, so watch out! These critters are a real handful. They're in constant motion. Some of them are endangered, and distemper is a main reason.

  • albino alligator
    There are only 100 in the world. It's just a little fellow. (Dave): "Where do they come from?" (Jack): "The Columbus Zoo." They're from Africa. Why can they last in the wild only an hour? No camoflage! Jack says they can outrun any animal on earth (in the first 20 feet). The little guy smacks jack with its tail. That's a defense (or maybe offense) feature it has.

  • alligator
    This one's regular in its markings, and much larger. The really strong handler guy opens its mouth to show a flap at the back of its mouth, that keeps it from drowning. (YouTube)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show has partnered with the World Food Programme to provide disaster relief to Nepal. You can help. Visit wfp.org/lateshow and make a donation today."
After commercials, it's more with Jack Hanna. Dave says, "Now, Jack, as we've mentioned over and over again, you've been so generous, and so giving, and so much fun to have on the program. You've been here over 100 times. We've put together a compilation of your visits." Jack says, "I'll tell you what I'd like to do, though. Everyone, the Columbus Zoo, the city of Columbus, our zoo, Dave, zoo world, animal world, owes you so much! Yes, they do. Thirty years, everyone. Forget me. The Columbus Zoo had the first fifth-generation rhino in the world, ever born out of the wild, this last summer. People... celebrities, wanted to name this thing. No way! Everyone voted on David Letterman. We named it Letterman." We see a picture of the pint-sized rhino (if there is such a thing), born 11/12/14, alongside its mommy. Jack also has a lifetime membership for Dave and his guests... expiration: never. Jack has a rhino t-shirt: "Save a horny friend." He also gives Dave a safari shirt that he's worn in every continent on the world.

Dave has a really funny compilation tape, including a diapered, butt-sniffing monkey, jack ripping his pants, a TMI shot of a skunk's ass, Dave petting Jack, feeding Jack grapes, a baby monkey or gorilla or something taking a leak on Jack, feeding ostriches grapes, a cobra on the loose, and a little anteater looking for bugs on Dave's face. Jack's truly moved by the recognition, and he's crying again.

Jack's (and Anna Kendrick's) visits have been a tremendous highlight on the show over the years. A prized possession is a copy of Monkeys on the Interstate, which Jack signed for me in 2010.

bumper: Jack on LNDL on 12/14/85

••• John Fogerty sings a medley of his famous songs. (YouTube) Here's John's @LETTERMAN card. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/30/15 [4200]: "From the exact midpoint of the Chunnel, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Now maybe some of you notice that the... at night, the buildings are not as bright as they usually are. They're dimming all of the buildings at night, to save electricity. Honest to God, I went out last night and saw the buildings go dim, and I thought, 'Holy cow! They've brought back the electric chair!' " (Dave forgot to call it Old Sparky.)

"Now Bruce Jenner gets to cash in on Mothers' Day."

••• The Supremes are about to rule on same-sex marriage. Here's a report. / video:
(voice-over): "The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court, and observers are analyzing every detail, to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage, based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations."

(CNN graphic)

(voice-over): "Lou Thompson, CNN, Washington."

(me): Nonsense! Justice Roberts merely wanted to be sure that the Ed was once again nominated for Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater.

••• Bernie Sanders is running for president. / Here's "Bernie Sanders: 60 Words Per Minute" / video:
(title graphic and upbeat theme song)

(clip): Bernie is at a small lectern.

(Bernie): "Madame President, the six largest banks on Wall Street... over $9 trillion... six banks. Now, when the issue comes up that impacts Wall Street..."

(Bernie was doing a lot of gesturing and pointing, kind of rythmically.

(FX): With each pointing gesture, we heard a typewriter key being hit. Add to that a carriage return bell.

(title graphic and upbeat theme song)

••• [After an 11-year mission, NASA's Mercury-orbiting spacecraft, Messenger, plum out of fuel, crashed onto the surface of the planet at a modest 8,750 MPH. Before it croaked, Messenger sent 270,000 pictures to earth.] The Late Show has footage of the "landing." / video:

(voice of Mission Control): "0.75 meters per second, as expected."

(view of Mercury's surface)

We see one person land on another.

(borrowed clip): Rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech await the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. (YouTube)

(impact / the scientists go nuts)

Ah, memories... We hadn't seen this on LSDL since 9/23/14. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Learn from my mistake. If you're buying a recliner, make sure it's the kind that leans backwards." / a plug for Progressive •••

ACT 2 desk chat: Dave explains that the Mercury joke was actually yoga people. ••• Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Amazon Prime. ••• The Apple Watch, just being rolled out, has drawn complaints that it's too slow, too complicated and has glitches.

Top Ten Complaints About the Apple Watch

10. "It works underwater, but only underwater."

9. "Somehow it's only right once a day."

8. "Can't figure out why it's not called an iWatch."

7. "It's attached itself to me like a leech." (me): Did Mike Leech write that entry?

6. "Siri keeps insisting I call her 'Marilyn.' " (an audience shout out)

5. "It leaks cocktail sauce."

4. "I'm sick of lugging around the extension cord."

3. "After an hour of use, it's white hot."

2. "The seconds of my empty, pitiful life pass as slowly as ever."

1. "People who see me wearing it know I'm a jackass."

•••
From 5/19/97 [803]: It's a video documentary of Dave, as he's called to play for the Yankees. We see him catch a cab, suit up and take the field. The bases are loaded with Yankees, and they need every run. Dave steps to the plate, hits a pop fly right to the shortstop, and that's that.

(me): I'm not sure who all is in the crowd to witness Dave's efforts, but we did see Nancy Agostini and Bill DeLace, and maybe Tom Foster and Steve Young. It was hard to tell with the NY caps and the shades. Did Kathy Mavrikakis know all those people escaped from work? (YouTube)

•••
Michelle Obama is the only interview guest tonight. Here's her cue card. She's the co-inventor of Joining Forces, with Jill Biden. Its objectives include:
  • Bring attention to the unique experiences and strengths of America's service members, veterans, and their families.

  • Inspire, educate, and spark action from all sectors of society -- citizens, communities, businesses, nonprofits, faith-based institutions, philanthropic organizations, and government -- to ensure service members, veterans, and their families have the opportunities, resources, and support they have earned.

  • Showcase the skills, experience, and dedication of America's service members, veterans and their families, to strengthen our nation's communities.

  • Create greater connections between the American public and the military.

Dave begins by asking about the family. Malia is 16, and has acquired a driver's license. Michelle says she gets to go out on errands. The unanswered question is how many other vehicles are in the Secret Service motorcade when Malia goes out for a spin. She's pretty open about the family's happenings and state of affairs, saying they try to have at least some sort of normal life for the girls. (YouTube)

As usual, Dave wants advice on parenting. Harry, 11, can be cheerful, happy and fun, and then a cloud comes over. Arguments ensue. Reason no longer exists. Michelle says one of the two daughters is their "grumpy cat... a "salty biscuit." At least she doesn't unload on her daughters like Kelly Ripa did. (YouTube)

After commercials, the subject changes to Joining Forces. One of the main concerns is what happens to armed services people when they return to civilian life. Some have no job... some have no home. It the four years of its existence, Joining Forces has helped 850,000. They've been trained in various skills, and be productive after returning, if they have a chance. New Orleans is a good example of an area which has greatly reduced homelessness. (YouTube)

More commercials happen, and we turn to education. Dave went to Ball State. Michelle went to Princeton... like Brooke Shields. Dave tries to understand how the U.S. has let education slip. How can that be? Michelle says we need to celebrate education, instead of celebrities and athletes. Some schools don't have college counseling. Are we helping high school kids to prepare to take the SAT or ACT? The goal, she says, is to make college cool. Today's kids want things quick and fast, and they want to be famous. Thanks a lot, Instagram! Michelle wants to do a huge signing day for kids graduating from high school.

Now Michelle has a surprise for Dave. She says he's been "a tremendous support for me... for my family." (That's the truth. Just ask Mitt!)

From the back of the theater, in marches the United States Marine Band. They begin with a military march by Sousa, then play "Marine Hymn" and close with "Stars and Stripes Forever." It's quite impressive. (YouTube)

••• Somewhere amid Michelle's multiple segments was the Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, fun springtime hoof polish colors for your bison!" ••• Hootie & the Blowfish, reunited for Dave, perform their first single, "Hold My Hand." (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/01/15 [4201]: "From the world's third-largest ball of twine, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Before the CBSO stops playing, Dave has stepped out of his shoes. Has somebody asked him the "white socks" question again? Jerry Foley gets a close-up of his gray socks and loafers. It's an audience shout out. Who's the beautiful brunette lady who is so amused by Dave's antics? "These are... these are. Let me tell you about these shoes. Easy. OK, relax. Hold it. These are only used an hour a day, and in a couple of weeks, they'll be on eBay. They're like new, ladies and gentlemen. Look at those shoes! Thank you very much. So... get those bids in now. Oh, and are they comfortable! Ohhhh, my! Very nice. Thank you!" (Dave now steps back in the shoes, and we move on.)

"Welcome to the Late Show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Dave, and by the way, I've dropped my price for commencement addresses. I'm ready to go!"

"New York is fantastic, because you know, now... with everything else, we're overrun with ky-OAT-ees. There are packs and packs of vicious, rabid ky-OAT-ees, running loose everywhere! And earlier today, they found one in Queens, and they tranquilized him, and they'll release him into the wild... which is the same thing that'll happen to me in about three weeks. 'Put him down, and get him out!' "

"Tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby. Did you fill out your brackets? Did you? OK. Thing about the Kentucky Derby... it's usually won by the horse from Kenya. You notice that?"

••• You know the infomercials? They're mercials with info... very much like a long-form commercial. Sometimes, no matter what you call them, there's overacting. Let's tune in to "Infomercial Overating of the Night." / video:
(colorful title graphic and rockin' theme song)

(We join an infomercial in progress, and see a lady's foot.)

(voice-over, in progress): "...one gets callouses, and getting rid of them can be a real pain."

(new clip): A lady's sitting on a toilet (lid down, of course), and is scraping the ball of her foot with a shiny metal torture device. Whoops! The nice lady seems to have overdone it. The torture device falls from her hand. Her eyes open like she's just seen a ghost (or Regis). She lets loose with a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream.

(colorful title graphic and rockin' theme song)

(me): Ha! In the Wahoo Gazette, Mike referred to the video we just witnessed as footage. Awesome!

•••
After the audience applause and cheers die down, Mr. Letterman, who's already committed to a foot-and-shoe-themed telecast, announces, "I'd like to see that again," and so we do. He observes, "It looks to me like she might be using a can opener." / close-up of the torture device / Crap! I forgot about the consequences of a Google search on the torture device. Now I'll have Facebook ads for these contraptions for the next month. •••
••• In these troubled times, if you ask kids who they admire, 9 out of 10 times they'll reply, "Nik Wallenda." He's walked across the Grand Canyon, he's walked across Niagara Falls without falling into the spray starch, and he's walked between Chicago skyscrapers without landing on a gangster's car. Now he's walked high above Florida on The Orlando Eye. / We see footage see exclusive coverage from the Today show on April 28. /
(Matt Lauer): "The big moment finally here. Nik Wallenda about to walk the wheel... The Orlando Eye... for a record."

(live from an overcast Orlando): OK... maybe not Orlando... Maybe Shecky has found substitute, black and white footage from a horror movie.

(Matt): "The wheel is turning. It's spinning... toward him... and he will attempt to walk on that structure, for a distance of what... thirty meters or more?"

(me): Shecky's ferris wheel, lights still illuminated, has gotten loose from its support structure and rolled across a trestle over a harbor. It splashes into an ocean.

(Nik Wallenda): "It a little windy up here, Matt and Savannah... and really wet."

We cut from the clip, just as the Orlando Eye is submerged. I couldn't find the source clip via Google. Now I'll have Facebook ads for ferris wheels for a month.

••• The Kentucky Derby is tomorrow. Did anyone else notice that Dave didn't call up Dave Johnson for, "and down the stretch they come!" ? I just checked the master file. We didn't hear it last year, either. Here's 2013. (audio) ••• You remember the NFL. Also this weekend is the NFL Draft! Here's an unusual announcement regarding the NFL draft. / video:
(NFL action clips, set to dramatic music, then ESPN)

(voice-over): "This Thursday through Saturday, don't miss the pulse-pounding excitement of the 2015 NFL Draft. And, if you're an able-bodied American male, don't forget to register for the NFL Selective Service System,..." (NFL Selective Service System seal) "... on your 18th birthday."

(graphic): NFL Draft logo

(voice-over concludes): "The NFL Draft. We want you."

(graphic): It's Uncle Sam, pointing at able-bodied American males, attired in an old-time leather helmet and shoulder pads.

(Dave): "The teams will always try to select the best athlete. It's like the Kardashians."

•••
(Dave): "I don't know if you're like me. (I pray to God you're not.) You wake up in the middle of the night, and things are magnified. Anxieties seem more troubling if you wake up in the middle of the night. Have you had that experience? Do you know what I'm talkin' about? Here's what I've been thinking about lately, with regard to... not me so much, but my son... his future family, and all the young people today... is robots. Because don't kid yourself. They are refining robot technology, and one day, robots will do all of the work. And then, where will the jobs be? What will happen to the economy? / "Jobs That Are Safe from Robots" / video:

(cutesy robot title graphic and peppy theme song)

(graphic and voice-over): "TRASH COLLECTOR"

(clip): It's a random city street. A trash truck, equipped with a hydraulic lift, is picking up one of those plastic tubs made for lifts. Up it goes, to be turned upside down and unload its cargo. Whoops! The lid must have gotten caught. It didn't dump anything until it's away from the truck. There's gonna be trash all over creation. Not only that, the lift kind of flings the open trash cart. What a colossal mess!

(graphic and voice-over): "SAFE."

(cutesy robot title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Dave): "Everything must go."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Poultry zinger: A rooster with a passport--now that would be a free-range chicken!" / a plug from Chevrolet •••

ACT 2

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Amazon Prime. / TTL setup: Bernie Sanders, a 73-year-old socialist from Vermont, is running for president. We see a photo of him, with his white hair flying about in a breeze... perhaps for a Brylcreem® ad. / Top Ten Things Bernie Sanders Looks Like / (Thanks to Wahoo Friday, I didn't have to type the following. Do you take the Wahoo Friday? Ask for it by name.

10. The guy who licks his finger before turning a page

9. The guy who shouldn't still be practicing surgery

8. The guy with a shopping cart full of canned fruit cocktail

7. The guy scolding a parking attendant for the scratch on his LeBaron.

6. The guy who lets strangers handle his shoes (an audience shout out / cut to the delighted lady)

5. The guy who eats a pickle with every meal

4. The guy at Walgreen's trying to redeem expired coupons

3. The guy who always has crumbs on his sweater

2. The guy who gives trick-or-treaters nickels

1. The guy who can't beat Hillary Clinton

•••

desk chat on guest appearances: Dave asks Paul how many guest appearances they've had. Regis is number one, with 120. How many total? Paul guesses 100,000. He figures 6,000 shows x 2 per episode. That equals 12,000, so that makes 100,000, he concludes. (The grade school kids in the audience laugh uproariously at his C– calculation.) Dave reveals the number: 105,000. Huh? (Paul): "Well, really! You see that?! In all of these years... 105,000 guests that you have spoken to, and pretended to be interested in! That's a record, in itself!" Here's a video compilation of some of the guests, over the years.

(way back... old set): Bill Murray, talking to Dave on the DAVE phone: "It's me, you jerk!"

male guest enters on a rope, flying across the stage

Tom Hanks runs onstage, and into the guest chair.

(6/28/00, I think): Martha Stewart enters from the lobby, on a bicycle.

Billy Crystal enters on a tiny horse, led by a midget wearing a beret.

(way back): Chris Farley enters doing cartwheels.

(9/16/94): Chuck Berry hops along as he plays his guitar.

Dave, to Joe Pesci: "Do you find me amusing? What about me do you think is funny?" (Joe): "I think your face is funny."

Richard Simmons, all oiled-up: "Will you teach me how to smoke a cigar, Dave?" (Dave): "Uhh... I have a feeling you probably have the hang of it, Richard."

Some unknown rocker guy with his cap on backward.

Beavis and Butt-Head: (Dave asks Butt-head): "What are you laughin' at?" and smacks his face.

Jackie Chan, in guest chair #1, does a martial arts kick.

Dave throws a few fake punches at George Foreman, who doesn't flinch.

(3/31/94): Madonna, in her 13-F-Bomb appearance, asks Dave, "Is that a rug?" (Dave, to Madonna with her slicked-back black hair): "What is that, a swim cap?"

(9/28/07): Dave to Paris Hilton: "Have your friends treated you differently, since you've been out of the... slammer?" (Paris): "No, but I've moved on with my life, so I don't want to talk about it anymore." (Dave): "This is where you and I are different." (video)

(7/15/09): Paul McCartney's concert on top of the marquee

(12/01/05): Dave escorts Oprah (a lady from TV, I think) from the front entrance of the Ed to a local theater. (video)

Betty White spit take

Adam Sandler

Chris Rock

Senator John McCain: "I screwed up."

(2/03/09): Governor Rob Blagojevich: "I've been wanting to be on your show in the worst way, for the longest time." (Dave): "Well, you're on in the worst way, believe me!" (video)

Dave, to Hillary Clinton: "You've got a big house. Everybody's seen it on TV. Every idiot in the area's going to drive by honking now." (Hillary): "Was that you?"

(10/27/08, I think): Dave, to Bill O'Reilly: "I have a feeling, 60% of what you say is crap!"

Barack Obama, to Dave: "You look sharp." (Dave): "You haven't seen me naked." (Barack): "We're gonna keep it that way!"

(2/04/13): Dave, to Chris Christie: "I've made jokes about you... not just one or two... not just ongoing, here and there, intermittent..." The governor, who barely fits in guest chair #1, produces a cookie and chows down. (video)

(2/11/09): It's the legendary Joaquin Phoenix sunglasses appearance. (awkward silence) (video)

J-Lo and troupe, in a dancing performance

Kirstie Alley, arm around Dave's shoulder

Don Rickles bunny hops across the old set.

Martin Short, in a clip from years ago

(3/31/99): Goldie Hawn and Steve Martin

Dave, in all white, dancing with a huge basketball player

(4/12/95): Drew Barrymore dances + flashes atop Dave's desk. (video)

(2/11/09): Joaquin Phoenix, in sunglasses / (Dave): "What can you tell us about your days with the Unibomber?"

some musical act

Julia Roberts, who's been flirting big-time with Dave, seals it with a kiss.

(12/07/12): Dave kisses Dustin Hoffman. Ewww.

Dave kisses Dr. Phil's bald noggin.

(way back): Dave, goofing around with Cher, making her laugh.

Dave tortures Justin Bieber's new tattoo.

(3/18/13): Dave, to Selena Gomez, of Justin Bieber: "...and I made him cry." (Selena, giggling): "Well, then, that makes two of us." (video)

(2/06/95, I think): Johnny Carson, in his last TV appearance, delivers a blue card, tries out Dave's old desk and exits.

(3/03/14): Future Islands' first appearance, with that weird guy dancing and making us all sick. (Dave loves this weirdness!)

Dave and Howard Stern fondle each other.

(11/20/13): Dave and Jennifer Lawrence have disappeared under a pink, flower-pattern blankie. Jennifer's been under the weather, and is cold. (Dave): "Good night, everybody!" (video)

(3/13/13): Jim Carrey, with his humongous fake bare feet, propped up on the desk

Denzel Washington

Steve Carell

(way back): Demi Moore, I think, curtsies before taking her seat.

(2/19/15): Will Smith: "There's a Negro inside of you, Dave!" (Dave): "I've gotta run home and surprise the wife!" (video of Will's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" and quote)

(2/11/09): Joaquin Phoenix again (Dave): "And Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight."

Bill spray paints "DAVE!" on the front of his desk.

•••
desk chat:

(Dave, to Paul): "Remember the woman we chatted with before the show? She wanted to see my shoes? That's Colleen Boyle!" We see a shot of Colleen in the audience, with a big smile. "She was on the old show, and we went out to her house and looked through her closet." (video: 8/07/86) ••• Out of commercials, Dave shows a still shot of his visit with Colleen Boyle at Sears.

•••
Steve Martin is here for a visit and a musical performance. (Steve's my birthday neighbor. He was born on 8/14/45, and I was born on 8/14/50.) Dave begins by recognizing Steve for 5 Grammys, an Emmy and an Oscar, and his many contributions to his shows.

(Steve): "When I heard you announce that you were retiring, I really thought, 'He's joking. He's got to be joking.' And then I remembered, 'Wait! You're not funny.' But seriously... I've done this show... I don't know... 40 or 50 times. Every time I've waited behind that curtain, I've been a little nervous, or wanting it to go well, thinking, 'Will I use this joke...' But tonight, I just felt... 'Finally, it's over!' And you know, I was on... I saw that clip of you and Johnny, and that was so sweet. And he invited me to be on the last week of his shows. Yes... and it's quite an honor, and I'm very honored to be... uhhh... to be invited on your last month, kind of... vaguely."

Steve just finished two shows with Marty Short. Steve can work by himself, or with the Steep Canyon Rangers, for example, but if he doesn't work with Marty, he's threatened with revenge porn. No more! Now Steve has a little leverage on Marty. (photo): It's Marty, leaned back in a swivel chair, legs apart, with a censor's blue dot over the junk region. (We know nothing more. Write your own story.) (The control room leaves Marty's glamour photo up for a full 15 seconds.)

Steve's been working with Edie Brickell. She's new, she's a Bohemian, she's Mrs. Paul Simon, and Dave loves her very much! (me, too) Steve says, "She's a kind, nice, good person, too. That's not often the case with partners." (Steve quickly turns 90° to the right and points at the CBSO and Mr. Paul Shaffer, without further comment.) That bastard! How dare he insult our hero, Paul?

Bright Star is a musical that Steve and Edie (no... not Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé) wrote and performed first in San Diego. They want to bring it to Broadway, but one must wait on someone to die before a theater becomes available. (me): It's kind of like Prince Charles waiting on Mom.

The late Mike Nichols gave Steve great advice. "Never go to a birthday party of someone who has written a musical, because they'll play you all the songs that were cut from the show."

Dave's thinking back, wondering how long he and Steve have been friends. Steve was on the morning show in 1980, "But that doesn't make us friends." Dave says, "There are show business friends, and actual friends." Steve: "And we're neither."

Steve wanted to get Dave a retirement gift, and he did. The scrim rises, and Alan does the Price Is Right thing. "Dave, it's a brand new set of luggage! This three-piece set from Samsonite® features pushbutton, locking handles, tie-down garment straps and front-zipper pockets! Retail value: $172! (Luggage not usable in the United States.) Back to you, Dave."

bumper: Steve on the morning show, on 9/30/80

While reminiscing about what a great guy Dave is, Steve decided to put together an homage video. He wanted to call it, This Is Your Life, but the ghost of Ralph Edwards might come and get him. Here it is.

(title graphic) This Are Your Life, David Letterman!

(photo): Dave on the set of Late Night

(Steve): "You had a show..."

(photo): Dave on the set of the Late Show

(Steve): "...and then you had another show."

(title graphic): This Are Your Life, David Letterman!

Dave reaches for the tissues under his desk, and shares with Steve. (He also keeps Purell® on the little shelf under his desk, for use after shaking hands with Richard Simmons, I presume.)

Then Steve got to thinking about Dave's life after retirement. / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song) This Is Your New Life, David Letterman!

(photo): Dave at his monologue mark

(Steve): "After your heartfelt farewell, you'll be thrown out of the theater immediately!"

(photo a side door on 53rd Street): Bill DeLace gives Dave the boot, as Jimmy Philbin holds the door open.

(Steve): "You'll ride a Greyhound bus to Atlantic City, where you'll play eight hours of penny slots. You'll never miss taking your medication, thanks to your deluxe new pill timer... courtesy of CBS."

(photo of the parting gift from CBS)

(Steve): "You'll enjoy 4 P.M. dinners at the Golden Corral, saving your brand new diet of soft foods, with 'friends' who stuck by you. You'll vacation alone on the beautiful beaches of Newfoundland."

(photo): Dave with a metal detector

(Steve): "Where your summer home will feature the newest amenties, like a bench in your shower, an easy commute to the second floor," (stairway elevator) "and an all-purpose cart! And, from a phone with giant numbers, you'll receive weekly calls from relatives checking in on you!"

(Jude Brennan as a relative, hanging up a phone, steamed): "Still alive!"

(Steve): "An then... an all-expense-paid visit to heaven!"

(photo): Dave, now an angel, holding his harp

(Steve): "David Letterman, this is your new life!"

More tissues are needed.

(YouTube)

Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Back off, LinkedIn!! I do not have any patents!"

It's more with Steve Martin and, from October 2, 1998, "Dave and Steve's Gay Vacation." (It also stars the lovely Nadine Hennelly.)
••• Now it's time for "Will the Circle Be Unbroken." Joining Steve Martin are Emmylou Harris, Rodney Crowell, Amos Lee, Ralph Stanley and Mark O'Connor. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason sat in for Will Lee.]

The episode log for #4202 was written on October 25. Manhattan, Kansas was treated to 4.85" of rain between 3:30 P.M. and 11:30 P.M. on May 4. We had flash flooding, submerged cars here and there, wise guys kayaking and riding kiddie swimming pools on the streets, etc. Manhattan is on a flood plain, just next to the Kansas River along the eastern city limits, and a five-minute drive from Tuttle Creek Dam and Reservoir.

I got to watch the CBS special, David Letterman: A Life on Television just fine, with only a weather map onscreen. My TV signal started flaking out during Dave's monologue, and early in Barack Obama's interview, we lost WIBW in Topeka for good.

cbs.com came to the rescue the next day, along with Snapz Pro X, that can copy and save what's shown onscreen.

I want to give a huge shout out to Vinny Favale for a wonderful prime-time farewell to Dave. I know it was a colossal undertaking, probably with two or three hundred clips to edit in... not to mention the ominous task of choosing what to air. What an enjoyable and impressive production it was! Word has come in now that CBS produced the whole 1½-hour show in the last two weeks!

5/04/15 [4202]: "From the woodwind section of the New York Philharmonic, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Paul and I have been doing this for a long time, and we're really down to the bitter end of the whole thing, and certain things take you by surprise. I'll tell you what I'm talkin' about. Over the weekend, I get a call from my mom. 'Hello, Daaavid?' 'Hi, Mom. How're you doin'?' 'I heard you were fired.' But... on the other side... the President of the United States is on the program. And I am really gonna kiss up to him, because I'm hoping for a pardon for the last 33 years."

"I always get excited when the Secret Service is here. I love these men and women, because they do a wonderful job, and it's fun to have them, and we really feel secure. And I'm tellin' you... this is no exaggeration... the security for tonight's show is tighter than Chris Christie's yoga pants."

Dave would like to have Joe Biden on. He's a great guy, but Dave doesn't know what his plans are. / interruption: What is Todd Seda up to? (He's wearing a tie for the president, by the way.)

(interruption)

(Dave): "Todd, can you... Todd? Will you...? Todd, can I see? Todd?"

(Todd's having a chin rub.) harp gliss / (video): Secretary of Defense Ash Carter is at a lectern, speaking. SPFX: Todd's to the Secretary's right. Behind Todd is Vice-President Biden, who is caressing his shoulders and whispering to him. It's the same stunt he pulled with Ash's wife, Stephanie, on Feb. 17.

(gliss / end of chin rub)

(Todd, smiling wistfully): "Sorry, Dave. Sorry, man. You mentioned Biden. You mentioned Biden, and I went to my happy place."

(Dave): "Todd, please... please don't ever say 'happy place' again."

(video)

"Last weekend was Nude Gardening Weekend... I was very excited about it. I mean, anything that combines nudity with a weed whacker... I mean, come on! Isn't that where you want to be?" I woke up and I said, 'Hot diggity! Today is nude gardening day,' and I planted three trees... before they tossed me out of Central Park."

(interruption)

Dave hears a voice coming from somewhere. It's an old gent with slurred speech. We listen.

(man): "I just hope Maddux and Sutcliffe can lead 'em in the rotation."

(Dave calls for the audience lights to come up.) Oh... now we get it. It's the late Harry Caray, in an aisle seat, rambling on to the gent beside him. Or could that be Will Ferrell wearing Coke bottle glasses?

(Harry): "It's really going to be an outstanding year for the Cubs."

(Dave asks Harry to stand up, just like on Ed Sullivan.)

Uh oh. Harry thinks Dave's invited him to the stage. He wants to know when Topo Gigio will be on, then he stews about the Berlin Wall. He calls a play, and says he has to go. He's getting dinner at Patsy's with Frank Crosetti and Phil Rizzuto. I think we all saw a song coming down Broadway. Harry cues Paul for some organ music... namely "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." How about that! A seventh-inning stretch in Act 1. Harry exits.

(Fun Fact): Will's dad was seated next to "Harry."

•••

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?: The president receives junk mail addressed to 'Occupant-in-Chief.' " / a plug for JCPenney •••

ACT 2

President Barack Obama enters to "Hail to the Chief" from the CBSO. Those watching closely see a Secret Service agent stationed beside the guest entrance.

Dave informs the POTUS that when he introduces the POTUS, he gets kind of "a thing." It's overwhelming. The president says he's overwhelmed and honored to be one of Dave's last guests. Dave says often when he thinks about the day ahead, a couple of times he'll think, "Oh, God" because of something icky he has to do. Was that the case for the president this morning? Nope. He claims to be excited about the visit.

Uh oh. Now the president says, "I know you like Michelle a little bit more than me, which is OK. But I'm not going to let her have all the fun. Mainly, I came by to say goodbye to Biff and Paul." Paul thanks him, and the president continues, "But they said I couldn't get on the set unless I also spoke to you."

Dave was quite pleased that Michelle brought the Marine Corps Band with her last week. The president tells Dave, "They can play anything." They're also active-duty Marines.

Dave compliments Michelle's representation of his administration and Americans. The president points out her work to support military families, and also soldiers, when they come home. There are over 1,000,000 people who will be coming back. They're very talented. Hire a veteran!

After commercials, Dave brings up the troubles in Baltimore, with police charged for shootings. For far too long, he says, there have been communities in which there isn't a relationship of trust with their police. He sees his job as rebuilding trust. He's using task forces, and getting opinions from young activists. He worries that there are too many who don't have hope, and can't get a job. Then they end up in prison, and can't get a job afterward. He wants to invest in these people before there is trouble.

Dave asks about the source of racial unrest. The president says it has built up over time, and some of it comes from obstacles they have run into. He says, "We don't have to, sort of, accuse everybody of racism today to acknowledge that it's part of our past, and if we want to get past this, then we've gotta make a little bit of an extra effort. And I think the vast majority of Americans are willing to do that, if it's done well."

Dave remembers the 1965 march in Selma, Alabama. Why haven't we learned more from that time? "It's about human beings," he says. Obama thinks the country is "leaps and bounds better" than in our recent past. An example is that in some areas, it would have been illegal for his parents to marry. Dave questions him more, and the president holds to his position that we are in a better place than we were, not that long ago. To continue to improve, we can't point fingers. We need to come together.

Dave: "Let me ask you another question. Is this the first country you've presidented?" POTUS: "It is, I suspect, the first and last country that I'm presidenting. Unlike late night talk show hosts, I am term-limited."

Wahoo Mike McIntee reported that the funny "presidented" question came from Top Ten Questions Dumb Guys Ask the President, which was edited out in the interest of time. Wahoo Mike also says, "Try to find that information somewhere else," so while I presently have it here, I'm giving full credit to Wahoo Mike for yet another behind-the-scenes scoop!

After commercials, Dave asks about the free trade agreement. POTUS: "95% of the world's markets are outside the United States. If we're going to succeed economically, then we've gotta be able to sell our goods to other countries." He says we've dug ourselves out of a terrible recession. "The next step is to make sure our exports are goin' to the places that are growin.' " Asia and the Pacific region are those places. He says the U. S. needs strong labor standards. If we don't, more jobs will move out of the country. He speaks about pollution and child labor in competing countries. "Then they sell back here, and our folks are getting undercut." If we don't write the rules, China will write the rules. "We can't just close ourselves off." Obama says companies (and manufacturing) are moving back, under his presidency. We need to invest in research and development in the U. S.

Dave asks about education. Obama says that too many of our kids are not up to the levels we're seeing internationally, even though our universities are, by far, the best in the world. We need to pay our teachers. He says, "Early childhood education pays huge dividends."

••• Act 5: The press are admitted to the stage for 45 seconds for photo ops, and Dave and the POTUS give them some smiling poses.

more Barack Obama:

What will Obama do when he leaves the White House? The next election will be highly-contested. Get informed. But what will he do? "Dominoes!" (oh... and a month off) Dave says he's pretty good at dominoes, and he plans to teach law at Columbia University. Dave thanks him for coming on the show several times, and for hosting him in the White House (Kennedy Center Honors). Obama compliments and thanks Dave: "Well Dave, just let me say this, and I mean this sincerely, and I know I speak for Michelle. She probably had a chance to say it herself. You know, we've grown up with you. The country, I think, has, you know, after a tough day in the office, or comin' home from work, knowin' you've been there to give us a little bit of joy, a little bit of laughter... it has meant so much, and you're part of all of us. You've given us a great gift, and we love you."

••• The Avett Brothers and Brandi Carlile perform "Keep on the Sunnyside." Brandi has a new album, "The Firewatcher's Daughter." I listed their performance in my "best of" section in DDY's Late Show in Review 2015.

5/05/15 [4203]: "From a submarine cruising beneath the polar ice cap, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"I don't know if you've ever been in this situation when you're about to retire, and a lot of people will come up to you and say, 'Hey! What are you gonna do when you retire?' Well, first of all, it's none of your business, and secondly, I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm gonna be fine. You know there's a chain of tire stores called Just Tires? Are you familiar with this? It turns out... Just Tires... they have a waiting room, and I think I'll just go over there and meet people!"

"But seriously, between the psychiatrist and the daytime drinking, I'll be fine."

"I can't say enough about the way CBS has treated Paul and myself over the years. I mean, they've become family, and today I got a call. Maybe you'll get a call like this yourself, Paul. CBS, for next fall, is developing a prime time show for yours truly! Thank you! Yeah. And you can be on it. They don't have a title for it yet. I'm gonna play a detective, who has a heightened sense of... something."

"You know what today is? My God! It's Cinco de Mayo. Happy Cinco de Mayo, ladies and gentlemen. You know who's thinkin' on his feet, is this new guy, Mayor de Blasio, and when he was elected, Paul and I didn't care for him, and now..." (Paul): "Speak for yourself!" "And now... that's right. But now he's startin' to come up with some ideas. Cinco de Mayo... in honor of Cinco de Mayo, Mayor de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole!"

"Cinco de Mayo, if you think about it, is a holiday for all the people we're trying to keep out."

••• Ever been to Hooters? Fine dining, and beautiful waitresses at Hooters. Now there's a company in Texas with a restaurant with scantily-clad men. / video:
(photo): Hooters

(female voice-over): "For 30 years, Hooters customers have enjoyed all-American food, served by gorgeous waitresses. And now, there's a place where you can delicious food, served by America's hunkiest waiters!"

(photos): hunky waiters, and hot babes out tossing back a few

(female voice-over): "It's the perfect place for a fun night out! Whether you enjoy being served by sexy, shirtless men, or you just like finding chest hair in your food."

(photo): chest hair, and plenty of it, on chicken wings

(graphic and female voice-over): "The male version of Hooters. (Name redacted for broadcast.)"

••• "John Boehner: News You Can Use" / video:
(graphic and theme song)

(John Boehner, with Chuck Todd on Meet the Press): "We spend more money on antacids... than we do on politics."

(graphic and theme song)

••• After all these years, Dave's just noticed the German spelling of Boehner's name. Is it pronounced BAYner or Boner? Let's cut to the Speaker himself for the answer. / video:
(Speaker Boehner): "Boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner, boner."

(Dave): "What was it?"

(Boehner): "Boner, boner, boner, boner, boner..."

(me): Thanks to the Late Show writers for finally getting this straightened out.

••• Ken "The Haircut" Burns produces those documentaries for PBS. He's producing a new documentary about the White House. / video:
(sappy orchestral soundtrack and PBS logo)

(female voice-over): "PBS is proud to bring you the latest five-part documentary by award-winning filmmaker Ken Burns, as he chronicles all the presidents of the United States: Presidents Looking Out the Window."

(photo): W. looking out a window

(title graphic)

(female voice-over): "On PBS."

••• Kim Kardashian has published a photo book of her selfies. Ewwww. / promo video:
(clip): Kim, modeling various oversize outfits

(me): Kim must have to turn sideways to get through doorways.

(female voice-over): "Announcing the hottest publishing event of the season. Kim Kardashian's selfie photo book, Selfish. In stores now!"

(female voice-over): "Also available: Despondent, the book of selfies by Kim's editors and publicists."

(photos): book covers: Selfish and Despondent

(female voice-over): "In your grocer's book aisle."

(me): There goes my appetite for the next few days.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I wish CPR dummies looked more like people whose lives I'd want to save." / a plug for kayak.com •••

ACT 2

desk chat: Dave has his iPhone out. He poses for a close-up selfie. At least he has a big smile, and not the duck lips the girls like to do. "This will be in my book." Paul wants that Instagrammed right away!

•••

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by J. C. Penney. ••• "Cinco de Mayo," types Mike McIntee, "is a celebration of the Mexican army's victory over French forces at the Battle of Pueblo. May 5th, 1862." Dave, editorializing: "The rotten, stinking French!" •••

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Cinco de Mayo Party

5. Ted Cruz shows up, threatens to deport you.

5. Mariachi band only knows "Taps"

5. It's actually a Kinkos de Mayo party

5. Rental burro has a terrible disposition

5. A guy from SAG Harbor shows up looking for horn players (an audience shout out) (Tom "Bones" Malone waves at him.)

5. At this party, piñata hits you!

5. Only beverage option: taco-tinis

5. Party host won't stop saying, "guac"

5. It's harder to leave than Scientology

5. Fewer than cinco guests

••• Zoe Friedman was a Late Show talent coordinator, back in the 90s. She had an apartment on the Upper West Side. Dave and crew went there and called for deliveries all day. Dave gives the delivery people a hard time, as an outside camera catches the action. I think this was from 6/16/97. Deliveries include: Dominos, a parakeet and a singing telegram. (YouTube)

••• Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon is in to plug Hot Pursuit, which opens on Ocho de Mayo at a theater near you. IMDB says, "An uptight and by-the-book cop tries to protect the outgoing widow of a drug boss as they race through Texas, pursued by crooked cops and murderous gunmen." My stuff shows Reese's first visit with Dave as 3/02/99. I believe this is only her 8th appearance. l

Dave's been starting interviews with the kids questions this year. He shows an Instagram picture of Reese and her beautiful 15-year-old daughter, Ava Phillippe, about to head to the Hot Pursuit premiere on April 30. This picture's been all over the Internet, and has 203,000 Likes already. Reese says Ava was born in the year she first appeared on the big show. (Ava was born on 9/09/99, so that lines up with the 3/02/99 appearance quoted in the last paragraph.) Ava doesn't seem to be interested in being an actress. She's artistic, and likes to write songs and paint. She's at driving age for most states, so that'll be an adventure. Reese's brother gave her her first driving lessons when she was 13. She piloted a 1976 Cadillac El Dorado, a veritable cruise ship, and quickly motored over a neighbor's hedge row. (The neighbor was spared in this incident.) Kids in Los Angeles are using Uber to get around. (YouTube)

In 2012, Reese started Pacific Standard, a movie production company. She produced Wild and Gone Girl. Her husband, Jim Toth, suggested that she turn some of the books she liked into movies. (Let the record show, Reese has nothing to do with the Girls Gone Wild series!) She actually bought the rights to the aforementioned films before the books were released. The books did well, so she knew she couldn't disappoint with the movies.

Sofia Vergara co-stars in Hot Pursuit. Reese describes her as "a hot number." (I did not have that information.) Reese loved her in Modern Family, and they agreed on a meeting. Sofia walked into the hotel lobby, and "it was like a Diet Pepsi commercial." Time slowed down. A gent dropped his luggage. Another passed out. Reese thought, "If I can't be it, I might as well stand next to it in a movie." (Personally, I prefer Reese, and there is no contest.)

In the movie, Reese's and Sofia's characters have very different personalities, but it's sort of a buddy movie.

bumper: Reese on LNDL, March 2, 1999 •••

desk chat: Dave compliments Felicia Collins on her solo, coming out of commercials. She is the best! •••

Nathan Lane is on... in shape and ready to go! ("The monkey glands are working!") He's dropped by to say bye to Dave, and to plug his book, Naughty Mabel. Don't get in line yet. It won't be out until October 6.

Nathan begins by complimenting Dave on his interview with President Obama last night, or "as Fox News put it, 'socialist comedian interviews Muslim extremist.' "

Of visiting with Dave in his final month, Nathan says, "I wouldn't have missed this for the world, because this is a very sad time in show business, and not just because Netflix is bringing back Full House. All the characters you loved, only now old and bitter. No. We're very sad because of this premature retirement of yours, and I have to say... if you decide to stay on Broadway, I think you'd make a wonderful Hedwig. It's a great part, and you wouldn't have to wear as much makeup as you do now."

Nathan claims he's in Avengers: Age of Ultron. As Tony Mendez would say, "Liar!" He supposedly plays The Incredible Bulk. He took the part just to get a look at Thor's hammer. Nathan then reveals that he and Scarlett Johansson have the same cup size. Ewww.

Hey, let's pause for the Act 5 Audience Pan, which is a plug for the Mumford & Sons webcast.

Marc Shaiman is onstage now, at a piano, as Nathan has a musical number for Dave. Marc, Nathan and Scott Wittman wrote the number. Nathan tells Dave, "I just want to thank you for all your kindness and generosity to me over the years. You know... I feel like I've always been able to tell you everything. You're my Oprah. And I just... answer me one question: Am I in the will?" Here's the song.

Dead inside, I keep on tellin' you
Dead inside, I get no joy from all the joy I provide
I'm just like you, Dave
Yeah, I'm dead inside

Most kids cried, but I just cheered
When Bambi's mother died
My mother wished that she
Had had her tubes tied
That's why I'm dead inside

Oh, when the world all got Ebola
I just went and had a cola
Come on, let's face it, my heart is a brick
'cause when I saw The Notebook
I laughed myself sick

Because I'm dead inside
You think his heart is small, well subdivide
When I heard you had shingles, Dave, I hit my stride
Because I'm dead inside

I'm not concerned at all with ISIS
No more Ben & Jerry's... now that's a crisis!
I try to act the way a human should feel
But just like Brian Williams, baby, nothin's real

Because I'm dead inside
And now you're leavin' 'cause your brain is fried
I should be weepin' but I'm still dry-eyed

Wait... wait a second. I think I'm starting to feel something. Yes! Yes! Yes! No... it's just gas.

Oh, yes, I'm dead inside.
Everybody!
Dead inside... there ain't no Jekyl here, just Mr. Hyde
Your want a tour of hell, I'll be your guide
Because I'm dead inside!
Hi hi hi hit

But baby, I don't care
Do not tell Stephen Colbert
I'm really stone cold, six feet under
I'm talkin' dead inside
I'm walkin' dead inside

Now that you're leavin', Dave
I'm dead inside!

Nathan collapses, flat on his back on the stage. He apparently is dead inside. Dave ignores Nathan's carcass, and goes over to introduce himself to Marc Shaiman. Dave then calls for CPR, but Nathan rises to take a bow.

Nathan gets a much-deserved standing O.

(YouTube)

••• Mumford & Sons sing a number, "Believe," from their album, Wilder Mind. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Man... what an episode! It took three hours to write up.

Weather got me again! Two days ago, 4.85 inches of rain interrupted the show. Tonight, a tornado 50 miles away pre-empted the 10 P.M. news, and the first half of LSDL. I was able to watch it on WIBW's alternate channel, but couldn't record it. So... it was another session with cbs.com tomorrow, to fill in the gaps. Update: I finally finished this on November 1.

5/06/15 [4204]: "From NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Tonight's audience shout out: "Does your wife or loved one snore?" We're guessing yes.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight, I'm giving my two-week notice."

"Oh... Mother's Day. God bless Mom. I look for a nice time with Mom, so I'll be with Mom Sunday. She is really gonna be surprised... when I tell her I'm out of work, and I'm moving back in."

"You know what's gonna be a big film of the summer, is the new Indiana Jones movie. How many of you remember the original Indiana Jones movie? Now, Indiana Jones... undeniably a little older now. In this film, Indiana Jones goes in search of a tomb for himself. And instead of outrunning a giant boulder, he has to pass an enormous kidney stone!"

interruption: Cher shows up during the monologue. This may be the last time I do my little censor box for "ass    ." I believe it was on 5/22/86 that Cher informed Dave that she had been refusing to come on because she thought he was an ass    . It was on 11/13/87 that Sonny and Cher were reunited on Late Night, and sang "I Got You Babe." I don't have a video made, but here's an .mp3. It was a fun surprise to have Cher show up. I wouldn't be surprised to see more of this over the next 11 shows.

(Cher enters / audience cheers)

(Dave): "Oh, my God! Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Look how nice you look there. Me and Cher... How about that?! That's right... what happens when you have a TV show! It's Cher, ladies and gentlemen. Man, you look fantastic. You look lovely. Thank you for being here."

(Cher): "Thank you."

(Dave): "What's goin' on?"

(Cher): "Well, you know, Dave, for a number of years, there's something that I've always wanted to get straight between us."

(Dave): "Me too!"

(CBSO): naughty guitar sounds

(Cher): "So, once, a long time ago, on the first show, I called you an ass    ."

(Dave): "Ohhh, yes! I remember that."

(Cher): "OK."

(Dave): "That was... how many years ago was that? That was 29 years ago... 29 years ago. Wow! Well, that's very nice of you, and I always took it with a grain of salt."

(Cher): "No you didn't! Remember the People magazine? You kept mentioning it in the People magazine."

(Dave): "I was concerned. Sure."

(Cher): "You were upset."

(Dave): "I do remember that. Yeah."

(Cher, poking Dave in the tummy): "I got you. It was a little..."

(Dave): "Yeah. A bit, yes. Exactly."

(Cher): "Alright. But, this is one thing that I really mean, from the bottom of my heart."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Cher): "I'm not kidding. No bull    . I really love you, and I'm going to miss you."

(Dave): "Oh, no, no no."

(Cher hugs Dave, and finishes with a kiss.)

(Dave, gesturing toward Cher): "Wow! Very sweet of you."

(Cher, smiling, rubbing Dave's shoulder): "Yes, and you're still an ass    ."

(CBSO play Cher's "I Found Someone")

(Dave): "We'll be right back with Martin Short, everybody."

(video)

MONOLOGUE VIDEOS

••• Dave: "You know who else is running for president? Mike Huckabee! You can cut the apathy with a knife." / "Mike Huckabee's Big Announcement" / video:

(title graphic and "Stars and Stripes Forever"

(Mike Huckabee, at a lectern): "I announce that I am a candidate for student council at Hope Junior High School."

(audience cheer like crazy)

(title graphic and "Stars and Stripes Forever"

••• Dave: "You know who else is running for president? Let me mention this name. See if you know this name: Bernie Sanders. A lot of you people think that's the guy where you go get chicken in a bucket. That's not it at all. He's a Senator... independent Senator from Vermont, and he's running for president, so tonight we're again profiling Bernie Sanders... this time 'Man of Many Talents.' " / video:
(title graphic and goofy music)

(video): Bernie's playing some kind of red toy accordion. No... just jokes. Bernie's giving a campaign speech, and waving his hands all over. Our pals at the Late Show FXd in the accordion between Bernie's waving hands, along with some bad accordion music!

(title graphic and goofy music)

(me): The other night, he was air typing.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update: The cronut fad is over. If you're still eating cronuts, stop immediately." / a plug for Amazon Prime •••

ACT 2

bumper: Sonny and Cher on LNDL on 11/13/97 ••• From 9/03/93 [5], I think, it's "Fun with Car Phones." Dave motors around the city, finds businesses' phone numbers over their entrances, and calls 'em up to ask dumb questions. They also finished running this segment on 9/06/93 [6]. (video) •••

Mr. Entertainment, Martin Short, joins us (to an enthusiastic standing O from the audience) to plug a gig in the Mirage Hotel this month, and to say goodbye to his longtime pals, Dave and Paul. You might think Martin and Dave would never cross paths again, but since I'm finally writing up this episode in November 2015, I can reveal that Dave was a surprise guest for a show that Martin and Steve Martin did in San Antonio on July 10. Now back to real time...

Dave begins with a compliment to the aging Martin (who's five months older than I am) on his fabulous appearance. Martin will have none of it. He hijacks the interview temporarily to compliment Dave, as follows: "First of all, before we get to all your prepared text, let me just say one thing to you. I know, I've said this before, and everyone says, oh, I'm this big phony. You look... sensational!" Uh oh. Martin, who's highly skilled with an insult, now inquires if Dave is getting younger looking, or if he's asking the staff to dim the lighting. Or is it the kale enemas? Did Dave has his calves implanted? Whatever Dave's doing, 30% more and he's Angela Lansbury. Now Martin addresses Dave's terrific aroma. "Is it Tanqueray or Beefeater?"

"Who gets custody of Paul?" Martin wonders. "Paul now looks like the world's hippest back massager. He goes to the barber and says, "I'll have a Brazilian." "Some people shampoo their hair. He Pledges his." "He looks like Kojak... and Kojak's lollipop."

Marty's first appearance was on 12/03/82, on LNDL. Here's what happened. Before Marty's segment, Dave claimed the show was over, and the credits rolled. Then he reappeared, asked if the audience wanted more, and brought out Marty. Guess what! Marty's friends and family tuned out when the credits rolled. No one he knew saw his appearance.

Marty was on a 1974 show with Tony Bennett, once a week. He had to pay for the music charts, which cost three times what he earned! He was supposed to go on after Tony. Martin said there are showbiz rules:

  1. A singer doesn't follow a singer.
  2. You don't carpool with Suge Knight.
  3. You don't say to Bill Cosby, "Hey, could you mix my wife a drink?"
  4. You don't embark in a conversation with Matthew McConaughey without an exit strategy.
Back to the show: Martin got introduced. He set out to sing Stevie Wonder's "You and I," accidentally substituted "you and me" in the first bar, forgot the lyrics and made new ones up as he went along. Afterward, Tony came to him and said, "You froze good, kid!"

bumper: Martin's first appearance on LNDL, December 3, 1982. He was 32, but looks so young you probably wouldn't recognize him. (Martin says it's from 1984.)

Early in his career, Martin had to play a 10-year-old. He tells about for getting to shave, so he had to get the Nair treatment or whatever on-set, and was stripped down to boxer shorts. He had his legs propped up during the procedure, and too late, he realized his deal had gotten loose. So much for his first day on the shoot!

Dave brings up the aforementioned show with Steve Martin. He's a giant talent, Martin reports, and also, "How can any human being who's alive be this pale?" In fact, the other day, he said to Steve, "It looks like there's a white hairpiece on a urinal." He adds insult to injury with, "You don't know if he's wearing makeup or powdered sugar."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "It's another great one tomorrow, as Dave welcomes Tina Fey and First Aid Kit, plus check out Dave Matthews Band's Legends on Letterman performance. When it fits, I feel it!" •••
more with Martin Short...

Out of commercials, Dave asks for a song.

(Marty): "Let me just say... I do want to say one thing, though. You know, I've been on this show for over 50 times... 51, 52 times, and I want to just thank you for allowing me to promote all the things that rarely opened or worked. But still, that's a whole different conversation. And, uh... but I do think it's a testament to you, Dave, of how hard all the people with any merit wanted to work. You know, like... we were talking with Steve before. Steve, through the years (Martin) has phoned me up, and will say, 'Tell me if you think this joke is funny.' And I'll pretend it is. And... and... but then I'll say, 'What is this for?' And he'll say, 'I've got Letterman in three months.' No, really! And, that is... I think it's... It kind of... so I want to thank you, and your staff, and the writers, and this terrific band and Paul Shaffer." (Dave interjects with compliments on his great guests.) "I agree with that, but I think that you set that tone right off the gate, with a very high standard of comedy and broadcasting, which made us want to work very hard to pull that off."

and now, the song...

"You know, in my business, or in our business... Of course, although, in your case, that's not for long, Dave... an event as momentous as Dave Letterman's retirement is rare. So it's important I pay tribute in the only way performers do... by making it about me. You know, I've had this number prepared for some time. To be honest, Dave, I wrote it for your funeral. It's true! Sure, we're about the same age, but I always figured, you, know, I'd outlive you because of your..." (mimics drinking... lots of drinking) "But I decided to do your funeral number tonight, since I probably won't attend your funeral now, because... unless, of course, I have something to promote, and then I will." (pretends he's getting choked up) "And this is going to get a little tricky for me... to get through. Stupid emotions! So... let's just give it a try, shall we? Paul?" (turning to Dave as the CBSO gears up): "And wish me luck in the top note, Pappy."

"Dave, where'd you go?"

(to the tune of "Rock-a-Bye Your Baby with a Dixie Melody")

Say goodbye to David,
The guy we laughed at from our beds
How we'll miss his Top Ten lists
Now that... he is dead

Just lay his coffin in the ground
And play us one last glass-crash sound  (FX)
Dave has skipped his last rehearsal
He won't be back after the next commercial

You're at peace now, Pappy...
No more guests with shows to shill
You'll never have to fake a laugh
At jokes from Dr. Phil

Or Bill O'Reilly, yakkin' 'bout The Factor
For thirty years Dave never cared for actors
Serene and calm, now that he's been embalmed
Never looked better, Dave.... Letterman!

How Dave lived past sixty's... a... miracle to me!
He smoked cigars, and sped in cars
Ate lunch at Rupert's Hello Deli
He lived through dog attacks and Jack Hanna's cobra

Somehow the guy survived a feud with Oprah
It's the end, my pretend showbiz friend
Farewell, we'll meet again...
Some day... in... hell!

(Clouds fill the theater, and a giant neon sign is lowered from above: "REST IN PEACE, DAVE.")

(an enthusiastic standing O from the audience)

(The CBSO play "Marty's Theme.")

(me): Marty's segment was was tremendous from start to finish... and what a finish! The musical number is a prime example of part of Dave's legacy: the ability to produce up a segment to the level of greatness. Watch the video here.

(video: Martin's song, 720 px) (video: Martin's song, 360 px)

(complete video of Martin's appearance)

•••

bumper: Norah Jones singing on the Late Show on 5/06/02 •••

Dave introduces Norah Jones, a nine-time Grammy winner, for her song. It's the same song, "Don't Know Why," that she sang in her first LSDL appearance, 13 years ago tonight, on 5/06/02. I had it in my Dave VHS tapes, so I made a video of it for my imaginary readers! Norah gave a wonderful performance both times, and in both 2002 and 2015, severe weather maps cluttered the screen. Here's a YouTube video of her performance today.
••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/07/15 [4205]: "From that red spot on the planet Jupiter, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

Out of nowhere, Dave says, "I wish my girlfriend was more affectionate." It's from the preshow Q&A. Dave goes on, "She never wants to hold hands. Couple of weeks ago, we were goin' downstairs, and she tripped and fell over backwards, and she reached out her hand, and I just let it go. And she said, 'What's the matter with you?', and I said, 'Aw, just not in the mood.' " An audience guy loves it. (Dave): "By the way, we only have a few shows left, so if you have any material like that at home, bring it in!"

••• "Yes... Yes... a Thousand Times YES" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(graphic): Labor Games

(clips): delivery room scenes

(voice-over): "Competing for prizes during birth? Bizarre... sure, but is it really a bad idea?"

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Mike Huckabee's running for president. He has a commercial that Dave found unusual. / video:
(photo): the Huckabee clan, some years back

(voice-over): "With a lifetime of public service, Mike Huckabee is the only candidate capable of leading our country back to prosperity..."

(photo): the Huckabee clan, more recently

(voice-over): "...based on the principles of faith and core family values."

(Photoshop fun): Why does every single person in the immediate family, including the family's dog, look like Mike's head has been Photoshopped onto each body?

(FX): horror movie stinger

(campaign graphic)

(voice-over): "Huckabee 2016: From hope to higher ground."

••• It's Pat Farmer's interruption #2015-0006.
(Dave): "One of our stagehands, ladies and gentlemen, Pat Farmer. Hi, Pat. Nice to see you. How are you doin'?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "Oh, you know... I'm alright."

(Pat): "Dave, do you want to hear something crazy?"

(Dave): "Do I want to hear something crazy?"

(Pat): "Yeah."

(Dave): "No."

(Pat): "Alright. If you were to write today's date on a check, how would you write it?"

(Dave): "Today's date? Let's see. So, we're in... what is it? So, we're in May, so that would be... I would start with five. What is the date?"

(Pat): "Seven..."

(Dave): "Here's what I'd do: Five, slash, seven, slash, one-five."

(Pat): "Exactly! Now, here's the crazy part. That is also my ATM PIN number. I've been waitin' my whole life for this to happen. Five, seven, fifteen."

(Dave): "Uh, but now you should change your PIN number, because everybody here in the room and at home knows your PIN number is five, seven, fifteen."

(Pat): "No can do, Dave. My PIN number is also the last four digits of my Social Security number. I'd never remember it otherwise."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. Yeah, I understand."

(Pat, looking at a handheld gadget): "Gotta run, Dave. My table's ready at Applebee's."

(Dave, looking at Paul): "Oh, OK. It's me, isn't it? This is me. I'm the problem."

(Paul): "It's not you."

(Dave): "That's what I thought."

••• [Caroll Spinney has spent nearly half a century donning a big yellow bird suit. Now he's the subject of the new documentary, I Am Big Bird.] Dave struggles with the title. Someone on stage right, Nancy, Bill or Matt, prompts him with "American Icon." Buzzz. Todd Seda shrugs his shoulders. He didn't put the title on the card, because he thought it was none of our business, we guess. / video:
(title graphic): "Big Bird: American Icon" (me): Time thinks it's I Am Big Bird. Who knows? Who cares?

(clip): Big Bird is singing and dancing. He must have had an extra martini at lunch, because he dances right off the stage. We're not being told he's OK.

(title graphic)

••• Dave's a bit embarrassed by all the recent attention and well-wishes on his looming retirement. Dave gets tongue-tied trying to say "well-wishing sentiment statement" something-something. He hollers over to Nancy, "Why couldn't you shout that from over there? Leave me on my own, here. After fussing about that, he blows his line again! He manages to announce that we'll enjoy this videotape:
It's the familiar face of that good-for-nothing bastard, Osama bin Laden. He is surrounded by the beautiful orange flames of hell.

(Osama): "Hey, Dave... just wanted to send you a shout out to say, 'Way to go on 33 years on the air! You sure made the time fly down here! Thanks again, old buddy, and see you soon. Oh, and death to America."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "When will they invent some sort of placekeeper that indicates how far you've gotten through a stack of bookmarks?" / a plug for Hot Pursuit •••

ACT 2

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by J. C. Penney. / TTL setup: It's more on the Sesame Street documentary. The show has won 159 Emmy Awards. /

Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sesame Street

10. When the show is not in production, Grover is used as an oven mitt.

9. The earliest Muppets were made from hollowed-out animal carcasses.

8. Each month puppeteers cough up about a pound of lint

7. 90% of the show's profits are funneled to ISIS

6. Elmo was the first puppet successfully born in captivity

5. The Count has undiagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder

4. After years of speculation, Bert and Ernie confirmed that they are indeed brothers.

3. Big Bird and his wife sleep in separate cages

2. Oscar the Grouch slightly nicer since announcing May 20th retirement

1. There's also a guy working the puppeteer

•••
From 2/03/97, it's a Sweeps special, "The David Letterman Story." If you watch this video I posted in 2005, you'll see the date 2/24/97. I checked my master file. I wasn't wrong. Dave's story was originally broadcast in three segments on 2/03, and was rerun for the third Prime Time Video Special on 2/24/97 [PT3].

In the video, we see remarks from Dorothy, Rosie O'Donnell, Pat Farmer, Howard Stern, Alec Baldwin, Mia Farrow, Leonard Tepper as Tom Shales, Mary Tyler Moore, Donnie Osmond, Biff and Paul. We also see one of Rob Burnett's fun yellow-pad drawings.

••• "Backstage Photo Club": Dave •••
Phone the neighbors, but don't wake the kids, 'cause Tina Fey, eight-time Emmy Award winner, is here, and [SPOILER] she's gonna end up in her underpants! Check out Tina's Netflix series, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. (me): Tina's a fine choice as a Final Twelve guest. I think she's the funniest woman on earth (with my future bride, Anna Kendrick, as a close second). My friend Micah White observed that the CBSO played Tina on with "Unbreak My Heart" by Toni Braxton.

Dave begins by informing Tina that she's talented, smart, lovely, personable and eager to perform. Then he asks for input on his retirement. Tina had a sampling, when 30 Rock ended. She advises, "The one thing I will warn you about is all of the things that you got out of doing because you were working all the time... are gonna come haunt you now." Get ready for parent-teacher conferences, curriculum night and nieces' weddings to look forward to.

By the way, "If you get anything in the mail that says, like, 'Will you host a gala?', just drink dish soap. If you get anything that says gala on it, drink, like, contact lens fluid... anything to get yourself in the hospital." Tina informs Dave that he's going to the big Metropolitan Gala next year. She's not pulling any punches. "I have gone to it once, and it is such a jerk parade!" ... "You go in, and it's this beautiful space, and it's just every jerk from every walk of life is there, wearing, like, some stupid thing, and you walk up these huge steps, and I went, and I dragged my husband along with me, too which I'm still, uhh, in trouble for." (me: Anna Wintour was there.) "We were walking about 10 feet behind this very famous, famously-mean fashion designer." ... "And they had these, what I thought was sort of guards lining the hallway, 'cause they were in these uniforms, and if you looked carefully, they weren't guards. They were just, sort of, beautiful boys, in weird outfits." Anyway, Tina and hubby were walking behind a famous designer guy, and "we just walked into... just a fart cloud." "This famous man... just the most toxic, toxic gas that you could find. This is the insides of a terrible person coming out." (me: My mother would have said, "It would gag a maggot.") Tina got the giggles, and the guard boys were giggling in their "vaguely fascist uniforms." Everybody was there. "If you had a million arms, it was all the people you would punch in the whole world. They're all there." A guy who was apparently on ecstasy reached over and started touching Tina's hair. Eventually, Tina found somebody normal to hang with: Barbara Walters. Dave went to commercials by confirming Tina's terminology, jerk parade. She's sticking by it. (YouTube)

From my Letterman fan friend Tom Wolper: "The CBSO went to the Tina's commercial break playing "Get Off of My Cloud," referencing the "fart cloud" at the Met Gala."

Tina has a movie with Amy Poehler, Sisters, coming out in December. Dave says Tina and Amy are the one-two punch in American comedy.

The 40th anniversary of SNL was a big deal. Tina's complimentary about it. Most of the cast members made it back, but they had to rehearse by themselves for the most part. Tina was head writer for the 25th anniversary, and wished she could have been there. She wondered how a live program would come out timed right. No problem. It came out exactly on time.

Dave wants an update on the kids. Penelope is 3½, and "maybe coming out of not being a jerk all the time." She's still quick to anger, and recently threw an amazing tantrum, "a 40-minute fit," when she wanted to drive a Cadillac Escalade. Penelope wanted to have some makeup not long ago, and Tina fixed her up, only to get, "Mommy, I look prettier than you." Dave wants to know what to do about a kid throwing a fit. "Don't let it work," she says, and "If the fit works, they'll throw it all the time. I have, on many occasions, carried her sideways, like a plank."


Miss Penelope, 3½

Tina's been on the show about 20 times, because she lives nearby, and people cancel a lot. But... since she's never going to The Met again, this is the last time she'll wear a fancy dress. Ever. "And this is it, because I'm not gonna wear... what am I gonna do, put a dress on for Jimmy? That's creepy. He's like my brother." When next seen, Tina will be playing Charades in a Slanket®.

Dave assists Tina in disrobing. Underneath her lovely blue dress is a black garment that's like an old-time professional wrestler might have worn. Emblazoned on the waist area is BYE DAVE! On her hiney is #Last Dress Ever. (How many media outlets will pick up on this in the next week?!) As Tina models her underpinnings, Dave makes a funny: "I'm told now that we have time for another segment."

(YouTube)

Tina gets a standing O from the audience for one of the greatest-ever interviews with Dave, and a bumper from 10/08/01 [1686], which was her first-ever appearance.

••• The Act 5 Audience Pan is a plug for The Dave Matthews Band in their Legends on Letterman webcast tomorrow. ••• Edited from tonight's show was an awesome compilation of staff comedy segments. You can see it here! (YouTube) ••• desk chat: Dave reminds us that he used to sing two songs to a young Harry at bedtime, until Harry got old enough to say, "No song." One was "Stand By Me," which Tracy Chapman performed the other day. The second was Simon and Garfunkle's "America," and First Aid Kit will now sing it. (They're from Sweden! They don't necessarily look alike, but they're sisters, about two years apart in age: Johanna and Klara Söderberg.) They did a wonderful job with their song. (YouTube) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: Big Bird

5/08/15 [4206]: "From a point just beyond the horizon, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"You know, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not gonna sugar-coat this. I'm not gonna lie to you. New York City has a rat problem. There must be three... four million rats running loose in New York City, and I don't know why somebody hasn't addressed this before now, but finally, Mayor... what's that guy's name? Mayor de Blasio has now declared war on rats! Yup! Here's what he's gonna do. He's gonna bring in more ky-OAT-ees. These are not regular rats. These are not, like, 'Oh, cute!' No, no, no, no. They're enormous, and they're brazen! They have to bait the rat traps with lasagna! True story!"

"I don't know if you're like me, but I find as I grow older, I become more anxious. Anybody feel that way? ... Folks applauding anxiety! I don't know what it is. If you're more aware... a sense of your own mortality, but here's what I worry about." (looking at Paul) "This happened a couple of days ago, in your home country.. up in Canada... up in Quebec... up there in Quebec. A woman... 91-year-old woman, has a rocking chair, that she likes to relax in her rocking chair. And when she relaxes in it, she rocks back and forth, and as it might, as you can understand, it makes a creaking noise as she rocks. Well, apparently it's so loud, it drove her neighbors crazy, and they called the cops on the woman. 91-year-old woman in a rocking chair. They called the police on her. The cops write her a ticket! That's me in a month!"

"I was telliln' my son, I said, 'Now I'll be able to spend more time with you, because I won't be at work. I'll be at home, so I'll spend more time with you. And my son said, 'Well, I would like to spend more time at school.' "

••• Here's a new segment: "And You Think You Know a Guy" / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme music)

(clip): surveillance video

(news anchor lady): "Channel two has obtained surveillance video showing accused killer Robert Durst, urinating on candy in a local pharmacy."

(title graphic and goofy theme music)

••• Remember the Deflategate, with charges that the Patriots deflated footballs thrown by Tom Brady? / Here's their report (as far as you know): / video:
(photo): Tom Brady

(soft, dramatic music playing)

(voice-over): "After a thorough investigation, the NFL has determined that it's 'probable' that quarterback Tom Brady is attractive enough to prompt confusing feelings in even the straightest of men." (now, softly): "Just look at him!"

(graphic): NFL logo

(voice-over): "The NFL... the report issuing people."

(Dave): "The report indicates that Tom Brady was generally aware of what's going on. Well hell, that's me now!"

••• Dave tries to set up a video funny about Fifty Shades of Grey. Is it a sequel... a segment... what? We check with Todd Seda's cue card. Then Dave looks over at Bill Scheft and Nancy Agostini. Nancy explains that something inspired the segment. Anyway, after about 15 minutes of confusion and negotiation, we get to "Sexy / Not Sexy." / video:
(title graphic and sexy jazz music)

(graphic and female voice-over): "SEXY."

(clip and voice-over): "Christian Grey putting on a mask in the Fifty Shades Darker trailer."

(graphic and female voice-over): "NOT SEXY."

(clip and voice-over): "This."

It's Dave, as the Lone Ranger, in a video he, Jay Thomas and Todd Seda made on 12/23/11: "They'll believe me, citizen."

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Sexy / Not Sexy."

••• Here's a Mother's Day message. / video:
(photo): man and his mother

(series of photos)

(female voice-over): "This Mother's Day, let's celebrate stock photo moms who are pretending to care about their fake children. A message from the Stock Photography Benelovent Association."

(me): That was a good one!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Wait till the ladies see the happenin' new knobs on my kitchen cabinets!" / a plug for the Lincoln Luxury Uncovered Event •••

ACT 2

Tonight's TTL is sponsored by J. C. Penney. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During Mother's Day Brunch

10. "Welcome to Hooters"

9. "Table for one"

8. "What's new since last Mother's Day?"

7. "Surprise! I'm moving in with you!"

6. "If your father gets any drunker, I'm gonna beat him with a meatball" (an audience shout out)

5. "My favorite Mother's Day? That would be the year before I had you"

4. "The waiter has agreed to witness the signing of the will"

3. "I'll either pay for brunch or your electrolysis treatment"

2. "Mrs. Letterman, will you accept a collect call from Dave?"

1. "Meet your new step-dad: Robert Durst"

••• Dave introduces wonderful compilation of appearances by his mom, Dorothy. We see Top Tens, Olympics, Thanksgiving, of course, and cooking. Many of these are in my Video Archives. It's free! Here's tonight's compilation on (YouTube) •••
Ray Romano's been coming on the shows since May 23, 1995. I think this is his 31st appearance, not counting some Worldwide Pants logos, etc., not counting the prime time special.

Dave starts with the kids talk. His youngest is 16. The oldest is 24, and he has twin 22-year-olds. The youngest plays basketball. (He's not good. Wait. No... he's fine, but he doesn't start.) He knows how to drive stuff now. Ray worries that he's too young for it. He ran out of gas on the 101 the other day... a five-lane expressway... in the middle lane! (Ray is going to kick Joe's ass when he gets around to it.) His coolness in this incident led his mother to wonder if he should be an astronaut. Ray's point of view was, "If he can't interpret the gas gauge on a Mazda... well, maybe not." The wise guy said, "These people should be thanking me... these people behind me, because I'm clearing up the traffic in front of me."

Out of commercials, we see that Ray has a set of pictures.

(Dave): "I see you have what appears to be some sort of visual aid."

(Ray): "Yeah, I do. I'm a little emotional, because this is my last night here. Umm, by the way, if I get emotional, just... like, punch me. Just punch me or somethin', because I don't want to do this. But it is emotional for me. This is a big night for me. I don't think most of the audience knows. The majority of the public doesn't know what this show has meant to me. So I just want to say real quick what happened. Twenty years ago was my first spot. I did stand-up right there. And I was doin' stand-up for 11 years... had three little kids... struggling... not really... nobody's offering me anything, this and that. Came here, did a spot. The following week, Worldwide Pants... Dave Letterman... your people called me up to say, 'Dave liked what he saw. He wants to try to develop a sitcom for you. And that sitcom became Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah. Umm..."

(Dave): "That's very kind of you. That's..."

(Ray): "But, so... so this is, uh..."

(Dave): "You're flattering me here..."

(Ray): "I'm not."

(Dave): "...unnecessarily."

(Ray): "What do you mean!?"

(Dave): "The credit is all yours, my friend."

(Ray): "It's all... but it's all true! I'm not here if that doesn't happen. And, see, this is what I mean about you. You're like me. You don't think anything you do is worth anything. And I want to prove to you... that's what... there is a point to this! I want to prove to you how wrong you are. I want to go George Bailey on you. You know, like It's a Wonderful Life? Not where I want to show where the world had been, had you not existed. I have pictures. I want to show you what my world became because you existed. OK? So here we go. Here we go.

This is 1995. This is before I came on the show. Right there. This is my family, there. Can you see? Three kids. You had two little twins, and I've got my daughter and my wife, Anna. That's 20 years ago. OK. Yeah. And we're relatively happy there.

But this is my family now, 20 years later. This is 20 years later. Yeah. We've got a big family. They're all big, but..."

(Dave): "Doggies! Look at that!"

(Ray): "Yeah. Three dogs. Three dogs. So here's the thing. Here's the thing. This is Joe. That's my youngest. He... he doesn't exist if you don't do what you do for me, because we weren't gonna have another kid, 20 years ago. Well... first, we couldn't afford it. And to be honest, if I didn't get a TV show, my wife wasn't gonna have sex with me again. We'd be through. I'm gonna tell you right now. Yeah. I knew that. I knew that. She was done. 11 years... she was over it. And these three dogs? I don't have dogs if you... I can't afford dogs. I don't have a big enough house. I've got three dogs, and by the way, they're all rescue dogs, so if not for you... yeah, sure. But, if not for Dave..." (points) "Dead, dead, dead. Right there! Yes. They're not here. You give... that's the thing. You give life! You don't just give... you give life!"

(Dave, amused): "Fine."

(Ray): "And it trickles down. It's not just my family. Do you know how much my agent made from Everybody Loves Raymond?"

(Dave, amused): "I don't think we need to..."

(Ray): "No, seriously. My agent decided to have more kids after Everybody Loves Raymond. If not for you... Seth is not alive!" (shows a Bar mitzvah picture) "Seth Abramowitz is not alive. This is my agent's kid. He... let me tell you somethin'. This... he's... this kid's goin' to med school. We all know he's goin' to med school. He's gonna find a cure for... stuff. And it's because of you! Twenty years from now, if there's no foot fungus, it's because of David Letterman, right here."

(Dave): "Wow! This is exciting!"

(Ray): "Yeah. Now, but more important is the stuff I got to do. You know, I hosted SNL because of this. I got to meet presidents because of this. And I got to do this. This is the coolest thing! I got to do this for nine years. I got to make out with Patty Heaton for nine years." (photo) "Yeah."

(Dave): "She's lovely."

(Ray): "I'm a married man. I'm a married man. You don't do this without a price, you know? Yeah. For nine years, I got to that. It didn't stop there. Lauren Graham. Here we go." (photo) "Lauren Graham had to kiss me, on Parenthood." (photo) "She... I love you. I love you for that! She hates you. She doesn't like you, by the way, for this. She had a rough time. We actually had to put peanut butter on my lips, to get her to kiss me. And if you... come on! And if you ever want evidence of how much... how valuable... you've been to me..." (photo) "Sofia Vergara! And did I kiss her?" (photo) "You're damn right, I kissed her!"

(Dave): "Whoa! Whoa! Wow! OK!"

(Ray): "And this, I don't know. I may not be able to show you all the action I got, no matter what it was. This was, like, a wrap party that got away from us." (photo) "That's me and Doris Roberts." (on the floor!) "Yeah! But that's because of you."

(Dave): "Oh, my God!"

(Ray): "Now, I just... I will say, it hasn't all been... you know. There is a down side. Well, no, I mean, like, because when you have a TV show... I know you've experienced this when a lot of people want to hang out with you... a lot of people want to be your friend, and that's a good problem to have. But, I'm not like you. I don't... I can't say no to people a lot. And no matter how much you do... you know, people want to come... want to hang in the green room, go here... do this, and you just... you just... whatever it is, you can't get rid of those people." (shot of ) "And that's not a bad thing. Yeah."

(Dave): "What?! Look at that!"

(Ray): "Yeah. Everywhere! Everywhere I go. Everywhere I go."

(Dave): "He follows you!"

(Ray): "Everywhere! I don't know if you know what it's like, traveling..."

(Dave): "He's a nice fellow."

(Ray): "Traveling with your own giant. I'm traveling with a giant." (shot of the giant, Mr. Brad Garrett) (YouTube)

(Dave): "Well, I am... it's very nice to hear you say those things, but then again, umm, Everybody Loves Raymond, and you are Raymond, and that's why there was a show. That's why there is everything you presented here tonight."

(Ray): "Wow. All I know is... all is know is, the biggest night of my life was here. You know, a couple of weeks ago, you had John Mayer on, singing 'American Pie,' and that was the coolest thing for me to see. And I got emotional watching it, just because... first of all, I grew up with that song. It's nostalgic. You know, you reach a certain age... anything that reminds you of your youth. And then... he was there... I just saw him at that spot... where... where... my life changed right there, you know? My family life... aww, son of a bitch! It's happening. You know? Punch me! Yeah. And also because of the lyrics. Just bear with me. You know, you sing 'The day the music died.' And for me... this is going to sound corny. But for me, that's what's happening here, for me. On May 20th, that is the day the comedy dies, right there. Yes. I'm tellin' you, as far as I'm concerned."

(Dave, smiling): "Ray, Ray, Ray." (points) "Why don't you go over there, one more time. Just go on over there."

(Ray): "The spot?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Right over there."

(CBSO, softly): "American Pie"

(Dave): "God bless you, Ray. That was very touching. Thank you very much! Ray Romano, folks. Well be right back with Brian Regan, everybody."

bumper: Ray's first appearance on LSDL. The bumper lists March 23, 1995, but it was actually on May 23.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: It's another promotion for the Dave Matthews Band in Legends on Letterman online. Alan says, "For best results, use a computer with a screen." ••• desk chat: Dave just wants to repeat his position that Ray's success has been because of Ray. ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. He had a hilarious point of view about hunting in close quarters with another man. / bumper: Brian on 10/04/95 (YouTube) ••• The Dave Matthews Band sing the same number, "What Would You Say?," they did on 2/24/95. / Dave calls for an encore. (YouTube)

I don't have episode logs for May 11 or May 12 yet. I was in the audience for DaveCon 2015 on May 11, and was hanging around the theater on May 12, all with my computer 1,200 miles away. I landed in the Little Apple and got the video capture going for the May 13 episode with one minute to spare. I'll get 'em done ASAP.

5/13/15 [4209]: "From a regional distribution center, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"You know, I've been doing a lot of pondering... a lot of ruminating, and I'm not looking at this as a retirement. I'm thinking of this in terms of a... what I like to think of it as a... multigame suspension."

"People say to me, "Aren't you going to miss the applause... and the laughter? And I say, 'Well, hell... I'm missin' it right now!' "

"One more week of this, ladies and gentlemen, and I'll be standin' on the corner, lookin' for out-of-state plates. 'That's Arkansas, isn't it?' "

"You know, ladies and gentlemen, tonight... Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts tonight! Next week I'll be lucky to get a table at IHOP."

Bill Clinton was in last night, and the security was so tight. It has to be. "If you think about it, it was as tight as... as Governor Christie's yoga pants."

"They patted me... patted me up and down. They frisked me. My hand to God, I was groped. I got back in line."

"And you know, the interesting thing about the Clintons... political dynasty.... could be a political dynasty. Bill Clinton, former president, might move back into the White House, while someone else is running the country. Huh? Think about that! Living in the White House while somebody else... I mean, it's like George W. Bush."

"I'll tell you somethin', ladies and gentlemen. I don't know if we have anybody here from North Korea or not, and I..." (notices the horn section, with hands raised) "Are you? I have nothing against the North Koreans, but this Kim Jong-un... this guy's got a screw loose. I mean, it's just one bizarre story after another with this guy. Evil dictator? OK. But listen to this. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nodds off... falls asleep... we've all done it. Maybe a big lunch. Maybe the room's too hot. Maybe you're up all night. And then you go to sleep. He... Kim Jong-un, takes the guy out and has him executed. For just fallin' asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs."

••• "You know what the #1 movie in the world is? It's The Avengers: Turn of the Century Ultron, or somethin'. ... I called the staff together, and I said, 'Who are you people?' " Then Dave called for "Good Superhero / Bad Superhero. / video:
(title graphic and suspenseful theme song)

(voice-over and graphic): "Good Superhero. Iron Man."

(voice-over and graphic): "Bad Superhero. Ironing Man."

(clip): We see Mitt Romney ironing. He repeatedly (OK... four times) holds an iron to his suit coat sleeve and says, "Ouch."

(title graphic and suspenseful theme song)

••• Jeb Bush was interviewed by Fox's Meghan Kelly. It went something like this. / video:
(Bush): "Dealin' with Putin is a heck of a lot harder than goin' to a town meeting in New Hampshire, and explaining your views on immigration."

(Meghan Kelly): "Let's talk about your brother."

(FX): Jeb and his chair zoom off the set like a speeding bullet. Poof! Whoosh!

(me): Dave liked that one a lot. He had a big smile afterward. It was a good one!

•••
After the aforementioned monologue joke, Dave announces a report on that evil bastard, Kim Jong-un killing the sleeping staffer. Let's take a look. 10 seconds pass. Nothing. Dave asks if we have the tape. More awkward silence. / downstairs cam: Video editor Tom Catusi is at his console, out like a light. You can see Kimberly on one of his monitors, but a lot of good it's doing.

Dave has a sense of humor about the show in his last week. He guesses that now we'll have a joke about the irony of the tape guy snoozing. "Alan, do you have the announcement about the irony of the... Alan?" (Cut to Mr. Kalter. We see Big Red, nodded off, leaning about 15°, ready to fall off his perch.)

Dave, the kindly host, is still amused. "I get it. That was our little skit about Kim Jong-un executing the guy because he fell asleep during the meeting. So, let's just... Todd... if we could just go on to the next... Todd?"

Todd Seda, at 32, is getting along in years, too. He's on the floor, leaned against the camera stand, in REM stage dreams. Wait! He snaps to and says, "Sorry, Dave." He looks at another camera and, all proud of himself, says, "I couldn't resist."

(Alan Kalter announce): " 'Oh, That Todd!' is filmed before a live studio audience."

The CBSO has a little theme song for Todd.

••• Dave sends us to commercials, and Paul introduces Gene Cornish, of The Young Rascals, sitting in. (You may know them as The Rascals. Just don't call 'em The Little Rascals.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: In six months, my job will consist of being pelted with strange items on a Japanese game show." / a plug for T Mobile®

ACT 2

desk chat: Dave announces that he's a people person. He loves people. He loves the human condition. It turns out, he's a people kind of a guy. "I'm the kind of a guy that people says, 'Hey, you!' and I turn around and say, 'What can I do for you?' " Dave's not the kind of guy who blows his own horn, "But if I could, I certainly would!" Dave and Paul welcome people to the Ed Sullivan Theater before the show. In the Q&A, Dave visited with a gent from Brooklyn who makes small-batch mustard. He asked for something expensive... the set, for example. (Now we get an audience shot of the enterprising young man.)

Then a crooked politician from Albany stands up and says, "Give me something! Nancy Agostini brings over a huge, white bag. Dave sweetly says, "Thank you, Santa." Paul plays something on the organ... we're not sure why... as Dave takes out a late-model staff letter jacket. It's missing the embroidered year. 2XL is a good fit for the crooked politician. The control room adds sparklies. (Dave): "I hope you enjoy that. I hope you get good use out of that, up in Albany. It's a double XL, and it's still a little snug."

TTL montage / Dave calls for Paul to introduce Gene Cornish, who's sitting in on guitar. ••• TTL setup: Olive Garden has announced that their chicken parmesiana and meatball sandwiches will now be served on bread sticks. The Olive Garden test kitchen is in Tuscany, Italy. / Top Ten Things Overheard at the Olive Garden Test Kitchen.
10. "Is it pronounced 'Italian' or 'Eye-talian' ?"

9. "How about a breadstick you can sleep on called the bedstick?"

8. Stop trying to play God!"

7. "Noodle fight!"

6. "It's the first of the month--everyone wash your hands."

5. "I want fifty ideas for scampi on my desk by Monday."

4. "Have we tried deep-fried lasagna?"

3. "The feds! Destroy everything!"

2. "Starting to think it wasn't oregano in that baggie!"

1. "What other shapes of meat could we make besides balls?"

•••
Dave introduces Julia Roberts, a lovely, magnetic, compelling human being. She's won an Academy Award, and is one of the biggest movie stars. "What the hell's she doin' on your show?"

The CBSO play Julia's theme song. She enters in a 2014 Late Show letter jacket (the Marilyn Sargent version). She looks awesome, and gets a nice standing O from the audience. (We get an audience shot of the small-batch mustard man.) Julia had her jacket on before the mustard man. Actually, the jacket belongs to Jenny Chapin(?), who's now freezing. Dave says his job includes underscoring the obvious, and Julia, in her Late Show jacket, looks better than mustard man in his new item. He nods in approval, and offers a thumbs up to the observation. (Dave): "He looks like we're makin' sausage. You look delightful!"

Dave tries to have the kids discussion, but Julia has other ideas. "I've come here tonight to just find out what the hell is going on around here! I mean, someone says we're closing shop around here, I turn my back for a minute. I... it's bulldjoy, David Letterman!" Julia then gives her trademark Julia Roberts smile after her indiscretion with the English language. "Explain yourself!"

Dave was thrilled, excited and nervous the first time Julia was on. Julia remembers that it was to plug Mystic Pizza. (My master file shows the occasion as 11/03/89.) How many times has the pretty woman been on? Dave guesses 50. Julia wishes that were true, making her like Regis, but it's her 26th, she reports.

Dave says many have been on, "but there's never appearances like you bring." Julia says, "The first time I was on was to promote Mystic Pizza, and as a fan of the show, did not want to come on, because I had seen you absolutely dismember young actresses of my kind of peer group. And I thought, 'I'm gonna come on, and he's gonna know within 10 seconds what my IQ is, and you are going to... like a samarai, just sort of like Benihana me into pieces, and I'll be left for dead and forgotten.' "

Dave's not going to dispute her recollection, but asks, "What do you suppose was wrong with me? Why would I behave that way?" Julia says, "You didn't behave that way to me, thus the 26th appearance." Again Dave asks, "Why? What was the matter with me?" Julia explains, "Because I think stupid people annoy you." Julia takes Dave's hand to comfort him after her explanation. Dave leans back in the chair and replies, "Well, that answers my problem of self-loathing." He sends us to commercials. / bumper: Julia, with 80s hair, on 11/03/89 / I was right on the date!

Is this possible? Dave announces the 25th anniversary of Pretty Woman. Yup! It premiered on 3/23/90, says IMDB. The original script was a drama, about a drug-addicted prostitute, with an ending having Richard Gere kicking her (and her fur coat) out of his car. Garry Marshall directed it. Julia actually auditioned for the original, dark script. Garry called for the change, as the movie was sold to Disney. He reworked its tone, and made it more of a comedy. Apparently the rewrite wasn't always keeping up with the revised script, so sometimes Garry would say, "Be funny. Action!" Dave believes there's an avuncular quality with Garry that would make him fun to be around. Julia says, "And if I knew what avuncular meant, I would concur with you." (me: Avuncular is a word that was known to be used to describe Walter Cronkite. It means like your uncle.)

How about Richard Gere? Ever see him? She does see him. There was a 25-year group interview, and two weeks later, she saw him somewhere. A week later, she ran into Garry Marshall at her son's baseball game. Then Dave smarts off with, "People who see you, on a street, talkin' to Richard Gere, remembering the movie, are thinkin', 'Hey, wait a minute. I wonder...' Julia concurs that it would be surprising to see her and Richard on the street. Then she smarts off with, "It would be surprising to see you outside of this studio." (me: I said hi to Dave outside the studio just last night.)

Shecky or someone has video of Julia's and Dave's lives together.

Julia, in a little black dress, leans toward Dave, wanting a kiss. "Be sweet," she whispers. She gets her kiss. We see a series of kisses from over the years. One's from 2/23/00 [1363], two days after Dave returned from his quintuple heart attacks, with Julia saying, "I'm so glad you feel better, though, sweetie. I missed you."

After the clips, Dave strolls around to Julia's chair, leads her onto the stage and plants a kiss on her, as the CBSO play Nadine Hennelly's theme song. The CBSO start to play The Rascals' "Groovin' ", when Julia calls them off for a moment. "Wait! I just wanna say, David Letterman, I love you, and I thank you for all of the joy and the laughs and the intelligence you have brought to us for 33 years." Dave, touched, says, "I don't know what to say." He just hugs Julia and says, "I love you."

Now the CBSO can play "Groovin' ".

••• Act 5 is music with Gene Cornish. •••
Paul Shaffer is Dave's interview guest now. He's played over on the walk to the guest chair with "It's Raining Men."

Dave begins by saying they should have had on-air visits like this more over the years. He announces the obvious, that Paul is a musical genius, and he's worked with everybody important in music for 40 years. Who stands out?

Paul always lists James Brown, the Godfather of Soul, as #1. He invented the music we listen to today. Paul remembers the first time James came on. (He asked to be on!) He performed "Sex Machine" and "There Was a Time." (I think this was on 7/12/82.) Paul and Steve Jordan, the first drummer, watched videotape of James' performance over and over, and memorized them, including the dialog. Paul, "I was actually ten feet off the ground." They went to a commercial in that first appearance, and James did a third song. Afterward, Paul was called to James' dressing room, where James was under his hair dryer.

Dave saw the documentary about James, and what interested him was that James said every instrument in his band should be played as a percussion instrument.

Paul loves to tell about when Bob Dylan was on. Paul knocked on his dressing room door, entered and made a funny. No reaction from Bob. Then Bob asked to be introduced to Larry "Bud" Melman. That's what he wanted... seriously.

The discussion turns to comedy sketches, with many including Paul being beat up in some way. In fact, Dave almost attacked Paul when he mistakenly believed he was the dummy. "It's a dangerous business when you do your own stunts!"

Jerry Foley has put together an incredible music video to honor Paul. First, Paul takes a side trip to recognize the CBSO. "Every night, they saved my ass!" He takes care to mention Will Lee, who was there with him on Day One, 2/01/82. Paul called Garry Sherman, who arranged the original "On Broadway." After all, Paul's name is on the marquee, along with Dave's.

The video includes Tom "Bones" Malone, Aaron Heick, Frank Greene, an actor who's supposed to be Paul, Lorne Michaels, Marty Short as a shoeshine boy, Andrea Mitchell, Darlene Love, Al Chez, David Sanborn, and Paul playing a white grand piano and singing the song. It ends with a tearjerker. We see the lights on the larger marquee go dark, then "featuring Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra" goes dark, too.

(me): Don Giller, Cheryl Levenbrown and I, near the Late Show marquee, watched Paul and Lorne Michaels taping the Angelo's scene two days ago. We didn't know exactly how the scene would be used.

And if that darkened marquee shot wasn't enough of a tearjerker, Paul's segment closes with a bumper: Paul, with hair, on the first Late Night, 2/01/82.

••• bumper: Ryan Adams, 10/04/01 ••• Ryan Adams sings. Dave calls for an encore.

(me): It's noon hour. I have to get to work, after my three-day trip to New York. I'll spell-check and add video links later! What an incredible episode!

5/14/15 [4210]: "From Europe's busiest port, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Well, I see... lookin' around at the audience, I see you've got yourselves all dolled up for George Clooney!"

"George Clooney is on the program tonight, and we talked it over during the day, and we decided that George and I will be wearing name tags." (Paul): "Right. Otherwise, you couldn't tell..."

"Yeah, George Clooney's on the program tonight. Next week this time, I'll be in a hardware store, watchin' 'em mix paint."

Word just in from Bob at CBS: "The day after you guys leave the theater, we're gonna send a team in there to take care of the asbestos."

••• Archaeologists were poking around in Egypt, and they found the oldest known copy of the Ten Commandments. It's on display in Israel. / CNN video:
(camera closing in on the ancient document)

(voice-over): "The oldest known copy of the Ten Commandments, dating back 2,000 years, will be put on display in Jerusalem. And in related news, archaeologists have just unearthed rare security camera footage of Moses making the copy."

(footage from a Kinko's of Moses at a photocopy machine. He lays a tablet on the glass and pushes the button.)

(voice-over): "Lou Thompson, CNN, Jerusalem."

••• "Jeb Bush Gaffe Report" / video:
(clips of Jeb, with dramatic music)

(voice-over): "Likely presidential candidate Jeb Bush has committed a series of gaffes, that have journalists and voters questioning whether he can win the presidential election."

(photo of George W. Bush)

(photo caption): "Didn't stop me."

(voice-over): "A message from former president George W. Bush."

••• "Mike Huckabee Campaign Promise" / video:
(photo of Mike, "Stars and Stripes")

(Mike): "As president, I'll / take this country back to the Stone Age in a matter of minutes."

(another Late Show Unfair Edit, I think they used to be called)

••• "Nobody Cares" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): two young men, arms around each other, waiting on something

(announcer): "The winner... of American Idol... Season 14..."

(another clip): audience members, waiting nervously

(voice-over): "Is..."

(title graphic and peppy music)

(me): Or, they could have gone with a Pete Fatovich voice-over: "Who gives a rat's ass?"

••• Dave sort of throws to commercial. The CBSO start playing "25 or 6 to 4," and Dave plays his bird calls with his hands on his mouth. By the way, Paul's in a striped jailbird suit, like the Three Stooges used to wear when they'd been naughty. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update: Out of respect for our final shows next week, The Weather Channel will air reruns." / a plug for Dove Advanced Care® •••

ACT 2

desk chat:

  • "Paul is dressed that way because the warden had thrown a party at the county jail." / Paul and the CBSO sing and play a couple of bars of "Jailhouse Rock."

  • Here's great news: Late Show art director Mark Erbaugh and his wife, Portia, have a brand new baby girl: Sonya Eleanor Krieger Erbaugh! Sonya was born on May 11 at 5:03 P.M. She was 6 lbs. 15 oz., and is a tall one, at 19".
••• Dave opens the TTL montage. Out of the montage, clad in all-black, Al Pacino has appeared in the backdrop behind Dave! Al wonders if he could help with the TTL. He doesn't want to read this list. He wants to say the numbers, and so he does. / TTL setup: Mad Max: Fury Road is in theaters now. / Top Ten Reasons Max Is So Mad
10. His brother, Mad Gary, keeps asking for money

9. Instead of Fury Road, GPS sent him to Fury Lane

8. Fox cancelled The Mindy Project

7. Only saved 12% after switching to Geico

6. Paid $2 million for Letterman's marquee (an audience shout out)

5. Low -T

4. People don't know how to use the word whom

3. His movie has to go up against Avengers: Age of Ultron

2. People always asking "What happened to Mel Gibson?"

1. He's retiring on May 20th

••• bumper: Al Pacino's first visit with Dave, 8/21/02 •••
George Clooney's in to plug Tomorrowland, which opens on May 22.

Dave begins by mentioning that many wonderful things have happened with George of late. "Yeah, a lot of wonderful things have happened. What are you doing?" Dave starts to explain. George says, "I understand. I don't care. I don't want to talk about that." George asks to have a look at Dave's wrist. George quickly and deftly slaps handcuffs on Dave. George exclaims, "You're not goin' anywhere, David Letterman!"

George heaves the key to the cuffs out toward the audience, and gets the "glass breaking" FX, anyway. (Maybe he broke an audience member's glasses.) Dave wishes to speak to his lawyer. Dave (speaking of the cuffs) smarts off with, "Now George, is this somethin' left over from the bachelor days?" (YouTube)

Before George was married, he'd be out gallivanting around in the evenings, and would record the show for later. Now he turns on the TV, only to learn that Dave will not be there. George says, "This is a terrible thing you're doing... to all of us! It hurts." (Dave, ever the hypochondriac): "Speaking of that, what about the circulation in my right hand?" (George): "I hadn't put cuffs on a man before, and I..." Then George makes a funny about Paul in his county jail attire.

Dave's very interested in George's amazing wife, Amal Alamuddin, the prominent human rights lawyer. George starts to explain that she helps others whose rights have been taken away. Dave, never one to miss a cue, lifts his cuffed right hand and says, "Right here! A human rights violation, if ever there was!" Dave requests that George compare a day in his life vs. a day in his wife's life. It seems that their days are often similar. Amal will go to Egypt to try to free a journalist who's being held. George, on the other hand, handcuffs himself to a guy who's leaving town.

After commercials, Dave welcomes us back to Judge Judy. George and Amal have a little island off the Thames, in London. They share the island with a dinner theater. The theater can be George's retirement plan! The island's accessible by bridge. His house was built in 1680. He likes the little pub in town.

The captive Dave looks at George and says, "You have beautiful eyes."

George begins his tribute to Dave. "Let me just say this, by the way, because the truth is that we... you know... what you have meant to all of us... all of us as fans. Yes, and I'm gonna tell you why I'm going to say it. Here's the thing. I've watched you, Dave... I've been at home... I've watched you in my underwear. There's not many men I've watched in my underwear. I've watched you in my underwear." (mimics a remote control) "I can make you talk... not talk. Here's the thing. What you've meant to us... all of us... with so many of the laughs and everything else, but also the moments like walkin' us through times that we didn't know what to do, like 9-11, and where we weren't sure when we could laugh again. And all of that... you may be going off the air, but you belong to us... for the ages, my friend."

Dave grabs his iPhone for a selfie with George. Then he thinks to ask George, "Did you go to the bathroom before you came out here?" (George): "I did, and I washed and washed."

Bill Murray's the next topic. He comes over and watches TV with George... sometimes not speaking much... just hanging out.

George just did a Christmas special with Paul. He was in a sleigh along with Miley Cyrus, being pulled by Rockettes. It was almost as nice as being handcuffed to Dave. Paul thinks the special will be on Netflix.

Amal has been teaching at Columbia. She's in London at the moment, in the midst of 11 court cases. She's currently trying to help Julian Assange, of Wikileaks fame.

In between topics, George reminds the handcuffed Dave, "We're not goin' anywhere." Dave gently moves his hand on top of George's handcuffed hand. Dave looks at the camera and raises an eyebrow. George informs Dave, "You had your chance. I'm married."

George will remain handcuffed to Dave for the remainder of the telecast... and beyond.

bumper: George, in his first appearance, 2/21/95

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Send your cards and letters to 'Will This Arrive Before the Show Ends?' / c/o The Late Show / 1697 Broadway / New York, New York 10019." ••• desk chat: Dave shows the picture of George from 2/21/95. ••• Tom Waits comes out for an interview. He takes the #1 guest chair, and George takes a stool behind Dave. There's a lot of nonsense talk about supposed inventions by Tom. ••• bumper: Tom's first appearance on LNDL, 2/21/83 ••• Tom sings a new song, fittingly entitled, "Take One Last Look." Its lyrics include, "Take one last look at the place that you are leaving. Take... one... last... look." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: Dave's iPhone selfie with George

5/15/15 [4211]: "From the Arctic tree line, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." ••• If you look above to the May 14 episode log, you'll see that when we left Dave yesterday, he was handcuffed to George Clooney. As the scrim comes up, we see the handcuffed gents run across the stage. How long will this last? Will Dave be an extra in George's next movie?

MONOLOGUE:

(George): "That as a weird night." (Dave): "Yes, it was!" The audience start giggling, and we see that Paul has emerged from his command module with a large pair of bolt cutters. The two prisoners lay their hands on Dave's desk, and Paul deploys the bolt cutters. Paul, who is not a bicycle thief by trade, struggles to accomplish the cut. (Dave): "Watch! No, don't hurt the movie star!" (George): "Captain Hook is my next role." (Paul): "Ah, there we go! There we go!" He raises the red bolt cutters triumphantly. (Dave): "We're free!" Dave and George hug each other. They've missed each other very much this past six seconds. (control room): rings the Late Show "yes" bell (CBSO): play their "something awesome just happened" theme song (George) scampers offstage (me): Does the show have to pay George for this appearance? He caused this mess!

"As you grow older, I've learned it's important to keep an open mind, and 10 years ago, if somebody said, 'Would you like to spend the night handcuffed to George Clooney?', I probably would have said no. But all that's different now."

"You know, Mad Max takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. Ooooh! I have a small part in Mad Max. I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like."

"Oprah is on the show tonight. Not that Oprah. In retirement, what I'm going to do is pal around with Oprah. She doesn't know it yet, but that's... "

"There's some good things about being retired. For one thing, I won't have to wear this lousy hairpiece anymore."

"People say, 'Will you get bored during retirement?' I say, 'Hell, I've just gotta fill an extra hour.' "

"You know Paul Newman, and you know the Paul Newman... like the Newman's Own®? Like you get the Newman's Own®, like the salad dressing? You know what I'm talkin' about? I'm gonna start a line of salad dressing, and it will be just like Paul Newman's salad dressing, but instead of the profits from my salad dressing going to charity like Paul Newman's profits go to charity, uhhh... my profits... won't."

••• Dave has one of his impressive not-an-impression impressions of himself. The topic is what Dave will be doing this weekend. Read closely, won't you?"
Dave turns 180° for his final preparations. He takes an audible deep breath, then clears his throat. Turning to face the North American viewing public, he says, "Uhhh, one senior for Mad Max, please."

(CBSO): play their "something awesome just happened" theme song

••• "Everything's Better with Music" / video:
(title graphic and rock 'n roll theme song)

(graphic and voice-over): "Without music."

(clip): Harrison Barnes1 of the Golden State Warriors, in a playoff game against the Memphis Grizzlies, slips and unintentionally does the splits, as I think cheerleaders call it.

(graphic and voice-over): "With music."

(clip): Harrison Barnes1 of the Golden State Warriors, in a playoff game against the Memphis Grizzlies, slips and unintentionally does the splits. This time, his mishap is accompanied by porno music.

(voice-over): This has been 'Everything's Better with Music.' "

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• Tom Brady of the New England Patriots was naughty, and he's been suspended for four games. Will he even be allowed in the stadium? What might he do during his punishment? / video:
(glamour photo of Mr. Brady, in uniform / action photos)

(voice-over): "While serving his suspension for deflating footballs, Tom Brady will earn extra money as the security guard who deflates beach balls thrown onto the baseball fields."

(Photoshop fun): We see a security guard who's deflating a beach ball thrown onto a baseball field, with the head of Tom Brady superimposed.

(FX): horror movie stinger

(glamour photo of a smiling Mr. Brady)

(caption and voice-over): "Tom Brady: too pretty for suspension."

(me): There's always a silver lining. Supermodel Gisele Bündchen will be by Tom's side during his rehabilitation.


Mrs. Brady
••• AMC's popular Mad Men is ending on May 17 after eight years. Let's have a look at "Memorable Series Finales." / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(graphic and female voice-over): "The Sopranos: Tony's fate forever remains a mystery."

(graphic and female voice-over): "M*A*S*H: After 11 seasons, members of the 4077 finally go home." / (clip): the famous "GOODBYE" spelled with rocks

(graphic and female voice-over): "The Honeymooners: Ed and Ralph leave their wives, to explore the full extent of human sexuality." (clip): Ed and Ralph in bed, squabbling

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Memorable Series Finales'."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "TV Trivia: Since 1982, the 'Dave Letterman' character has been played by three different actors." / a plug for Chevrolet •••

ACT 2

Top Ten Things Going Through Dave's Mind While Presenting the Top Ten List

10. "Nine more to go"

9. "Forgot to make sure they were good"

8. "How are we only on number 8?"

7. "Hey, my license plate number has a seven in it"

6. "Is that a giant walking stick or are you just enjoying the list?" (an audience shout out to a guy who has a giant walking stick, or is just enjoying the list)

5. "If we'd done a Top Five list, America could be spared half these lame jokes"

4. "What self-respecting man recites lists for a living?"

3. "Why does he look at me like that?" (Cut to Alan Kalter, giving Dave a longing, creepy, looking-over.)

2. "If number one ain't funny, I'm retiring"

1. "Johnny never had to do this djoy."

••• desk chat: When the show was at 30 Rock in NBC, regular fans knew their way around the building as if they lived there, but the staff were kind of stuck in a skyscraper. In the Late Show years, the theater building opens right onto Broadway and 53rd St., allowing for all kinds of outdoor adventures. We see a video compilation, including:
  • Dave riding a hoss down Broadway
  • Dave riding an Orange County Chopper down 53rd St.
  • Dave riding a Mentos/Diet Coke vehicle down 53rd St.
  • stunt man stand-in for Dave jumping on a moving limo
  • Dave washing his face in a hot dog vendor's water
  • karate guy breaking stacks of boards
  • a high-flying motorcycle stunt
  • jumping in a pool of water
  • bowling with a ketchup-bottle pyramid
  • Dave hosing down a gent covered with mud
  • Marines marching down Broadway
  • the Teutuls on choppers
  • Pat Farmer throwing a football off the roof
  • various costumed characters packing into various businesses
  • Dave escorting Oprah to her play
  • Sandra Bullock driving a bus to the theater
  • Purina Dog Challenge
  • snowmobile ride
  • Dave and Bill Murray playing football outside
  • Leslie Nielsen arriving
  • a shirtless Joe Piscopo
  • John McEnroe playing tennis
  • tossing all manner of items off the roof of the Ed
  • Dave being electrocuted while jumping a vehicle battery (and whining quite a bit)
  • quarterback challenge with passing taxis
  • Paul, on a bicycle, being killed by a taxi (2000 or before, when he had hair)
  • George Clarke kicking a field goal
  • the Late Show Hose Cam®
  • a hot tennis babe
  • more outdoor sports
  • a pole dancer on a taxi
  • Zamboni race
  • taxi tic tac toe
  • Quarterback Challenge with Peyton Manning
  • outdoor concerts
  • rappelling off the roof of the Ed
  • staffers breaking theater windows
  • you get the idea...
  • We close with a bunch of people on 53rd St., all clad in white, scrambling into position to spell "BYE."
  • (YouTube)
•••
Oprah Winfrey (yes, that Oprah) is in for one of her last visits to the show. She enters to the CBSO's "Oprah" theme song and an extended standing O, and applauds the CBSO as she takes her seat. Dave wonders if it's been five or six years since her last visit. Noprah... she was in in 2014. If Dave had visited my Fun with Oprah page, he'd know the answer!

Oprah's direct with Dave. She thinks he'll have a difficult time adjusting to retirement. "Call me. I'm not kidding. I'll give you my number." She says, "All these years, your life has been completely organized for you. You don't have to think about what you're gonna do. Even when you're on vacation, you have limited amount of time to have fun, you have fun, and then you get back. Dave concurs. He says, "For the last 33 years, I've had people operating the telephone for me." Oprah wonders if Dave knows what he's going to do. He has some ideas.

In 2007, she started the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls. It's helped 275 girls, ages seven to 12. She now has 20 girls in college in the U.S. There are 193 Academy graduates in college. Oprah says, "I was a girl... related to being a poor girl. I know what education could do for a poor girl." So, her academy is for girls who have ability, but not the funds.

Gayle King of CBS This Morning is Oprah's closest friend. Dave says she's doing a fine job over there. Oprah says she's found her niche.

What about Oprah's yard sale? The money went to pay for college for some of the aforementioned girls. Dave asks about the money raised by it. Oprah estimates a million dollars that has gone to pay for the girls' college expenses. How do you decide what to part with? Dave agrees that he has too much stuff. It drives him crazy. Dave has already cleaned out the office. It was easy, he claims, because he saw the writing on the wall, and got a head start! Dave says, "If you hire a dumpster, it's easy to make the decisions." Dave: "I would like to give some things to Ball State. They're deciding whether they want them!"

Oprah asked if there's something Dave has kept, that has a special memory for him. Yes. He kept a jury-rigged sink stopper that was in place when he arrived. It was on a chain, tied in knots. The whole theater and office building were refurbished and in beautiful shape, except for that pesky stopper. Dave intends to yoink the rubber stopper and the chain.

(me): I believe that Dave has told this story before to the writers, and this explains Alan Kalter's ad for sink plugs for Valentine's Day in 2013. (video)

Into commercials, we see a clip of Dave escorting Oprah from the Ed to the opening of her Broadway show, The Color Purple. (my video)

Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Anyone know how I can delete the search history from a CBS-owned computer?"

more with Oprah...

Out of nowhere, Dave asks Oprah about the weed. Is she smokin' the weed? "Actually, no. I haven't smoked weed in 30 years... really." Dave's been known to participate. He tells a story about his days in the late 70s in California. Post-weed one day, he found himself in front of the freezer, where "I ate two pints of ice cream!" Oprah says, "For me, it was a sleeve of Oreos." Dave says, "It makes you feel dumb, smokin' the weed, you know? Made me..." (He looks up to see the horn section boys, with hands raised.) "What do you think, boys?" (me): Do you ever visit my Fun with the Horn Section page? It's free!

Oprah asks if Dave gets stopped on the street for selfies. He does sometimes. "It's annoying, isn't it?" (me): I was with my friend, Micah, outside the theater this week, on the evening of May 12, when Dave unexpectedly emerged in mid-evening. We approached him, and about five people got selfies, but DeLace said, "That's all" when it would have been my turn to meet Dave. Anyway, I can imagine that the selfie craze could be quite annoying for a celebrity, and I'm officially not guilty of it, except for this one from a meet and greet in January. (It didn't come cheap.) Oh... wait a minute! I also need to confess to my photo op with Jungle Jack! I also got the best one of all... earlier this week, with a great and funny man, TV's Wahoo Mike McIntee!

Oprah says wherever she is, everyone's watching to see if she'll do any. When she agrees to the first one, all the phone comes out, and you can't get to the exit. Dave gets his selfie with Oprah!

bumper: Oprah's first appearance, 1/03/86

••• Good old Norm Macdonald has the high honor of being the last person to do stand-up on Dave's shows. He says, "We all know that David Letterman is the greatest talk show host who ever lived." He tells about seeing Dave for the first time, in Toronto. Norm does Dave's joke for us.
"I was on the street the other day, and I saw a garbage truck. And on the back of the garbage truck, there was a small sign that said, 'PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW TOO CLOSELY.' Another of life's simple pleasures, ruined by a meddling bureaucracy, ladies and gentlemen. You remember the old days, when dad would pile the kids in the station wagon, and we'd all go out and follow a garbage truck?' "

Norm concludes with, "So anyways, I'd just like to say, I know that Mr. Letterman is not for the mawkish, and he has no truck for the sentimental. But... if something is true, it is not sentimental, and I say in truth, I love you."

Dave is touched and delighted. He comes over to hug Norm, who is almost unable to speak. (Dave): "That was very sweet, Norm." And that's the show for May 15.

(YouTube)

5/18/15 [4212]: "From simultaneously everywhere and nowhere, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

"Welcome to the Late Show, ladies and gentlemen, and how about this weather here in New York City? Are you enjoying yourselves? Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. Oh, no, wait minute. That's me! I'm sorry."

"Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I'll be talking with Tom Hanks. Next week I'll be at the post office, talking with the clerk. Yeah, I've got a full day planned. Then I'll swing by Home Depot® to pick up a hummingbird feeder."

"It's been a pretty emotional day. This morning, I finally broke the news to Alan." (Cut to Alan, who appears clueless.)

"Like it or not, the presidential campaign has already begun. Jeb Bush... Jeb Bush came out against same-sex marriage. Jeb Bush, brother of the former president, son of the former president, came out against same-sex marriage... also came out in favor of the Iraq war. He certainly is a different kind of Republican, isn't he?"

"Jeb says that if you let gay people get married... this is Jeb Bush, now, talking. He says if you let gay people get married, next thing you know, women are gonna want to vote."

"By the way, who's against same-family presidents?"

••• "Me in Two Weeks" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(TV news anchor lady): "A New York man is facing charges, all because he couldn't get macaroni and cheese at a rest stop." (story)

(title graphic and music)

••• Here's a new segment: "Joe Biden What?" / video:
(title graphic and goofy music)

(Joe, at his vice-president lectern, wearing sunglasses): "I had a dream that I was vice-president, and was with the president, and we did the disco funk dance, to convince Congress to restart the government."

(title graphic and goofy music)

(Dave): "You alright, Joe?"

(story)

••• Fox News Sunday did an interview with Marco Rubio yesterday. / video:
(Chris Wallace): "After it passed the Senate and ran into trouble in the House, you bailed on comprehensive immigration reform. How come?"

(Senator Rubio, grinning): "My refrigerator broke down."

(Chris): "Senator Rubio, always..." (handshake)

(Fox News animated graphic)

•••
[Dave's been joking about this, but I dug around and found out it's true. Mitt Romney fought Evander Holyfield in a charity match on May 15, raising around $1,000,000.] / Dave: "It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear." / clip: Mitt getting pounded by Evander

(Dave, doing Marv): "Not what Mitt had in mind."

(Dave, with more): "Yeah, Holyfield won the fight, and it's not the first time Romney's been blocked out by a black guy."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact: Tom Hanks has made 33 guest appearances on Dave's show--just a few more years and he'll hit 50!" / a plug for Ford •••

ACT 2

Top Ten Things I'll Miss About Working at the Late Show

10. Barbara Gaines: "Until I met Dave, I didn't know I could put my fist through a wall."

9. Steve Young: "Because he's not tech savvy, Dave never notices when you steal jokes from Twitter."

8. Kathy Michalcik Mavrikakis: "Not having to wear high heels at work."

7. Pat Farmer: "Not having to wear high heels to work."

6. Sue Hum: "Working with Hollywood's most well-known inseams."

5. Todd Seda: "Another three years and Dave was going to start paying me."

4. Jude Brennan: "I'll miss looking forward to no longer working at the show."

3. Biff Henderson, without headset: "Dave is the best boss in the world--or so I'm required to say if I want my severance check."

2. Alan Kalter: "The taping time of the show provided a consistent, reliable alibi."

1. Paul Shaffer: "Now who will I pretend to laugh at?"

bumper: a staff photo from days gone by

•••
Tom Hanks, two-time Academy Award winner, stops by for one of his last Late Show appearances. He'll get 20½ minutes! He has a new movie, Inferno, due in 2016, in which he'll play Robert Langdon. IMDB says, "After waking up in a hospital room in Florence, Italy, with no memory of what has occurred for the last few days. Robert Langdon suddenly finds himself the target of a manhunt." Tom's played on with Tommy James and the Shondells' "Hanky Panky."

Tom is wired for talk show greatness tonight. Dave just introduces him (as America's Sweetheart) and lets him interview himself! Mr. Hanks gets quite a fine standing O upon arrival. He's come from a time zone so far away, "it has a money that I can't pronounce."

Once again, Tom's working with Opie for the fifth time. It's a The Da Vinci Code sequel. Dave calls for details. Tom claims he's not made the journey to the Ed tonight to plug anything. Now, to begin plugging the film, Tom announces that Ron Howard is a genius. There are a lot of "hairy" scenes, and it takes about five hours to shoot the two-minute scene. Opie keeps 'em fresh. In some recent ones first assistant director Bill Connor would call out the cues, as Tom was chased by malevolent helicopter drones. He starts imitating Ron's direction. (I think he's talking about acting in a CGI scene.) Ron: "Drone! Hovering! Hovering! It came back! It's gone. Now it's back!" on and on

A big-time actor like Tom can get by with making fun of his bosses. He takes a piece of paper from his suit pocket. It's talking points from the marketing department. It seems that Florence, Italy (the setting), is the birthplace of the Renaissance. (I looked it up. It seems that Leonardo da Vinci did his work during that period, so maybe that's tied to the DaVinci Code name. What do I know about this? I trained to be a science teacher.)

Ha! Tom's back to making fun of Opie. He reaches for his instructions from the marketing department. "Do not ridicule the movie you are in," they say. Oops. Dave is loving all this, and now he starts imitating Mr. Opie Taylor, too.

After a commercial break, Dave asks for a tale about Tom's early days in the business, when he'd just made the pilot for Bosom Buddies. He didn't have much money. There was an actors' strike, and he got down to $180. At Griffith Park, he tells about rolling down a grass hill for amusement. Then, short on money, he sees that a man dropped $60, and attempted to return it. Tom was sure it was his, but the man wouldn't take it, so he went and bought groceries and TV Guide (two copies) with his picture inside.

Tom's upset that FAO Schwarz is leaving Fifth Avenue. As we know, it was the location of the scene in Big where Tom and Robert Loggia played that huge keyboard with their feet.

We see Rita Wilson in the green room, and after commercials, Tom produces a selfie stick, and gets a selfie with Dave for posterity.

bumper: Tom from the LNDL days

••• During Tom's 20-minute segment, we had the audience pan, "I have a bad feeling about the move. I don't think my home iguana will get along with my office iguana." ••• bumper: Eddie Vedder on LSDL on 2/27/96 ••• Eddie Vedder first appeared on the show with Pearl Jam, then alone, and in a comedy segment. Accompanied by the CBSO, he sings "Better Man." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/19/15 [4213]: "From the light shining at the end of a long, dark tunnel, it's the Late Show with David Letterman." •••

MONOLOGUE:

audience shout out: "If you're wearing tuxedos, your cab's out front."

"Thank you very much for that lovely ovation, but I sense maybe you're being sarcastic."

"A lot of people think I'm retiring, and I've kind of been telling a fib. I have been forced to leave the job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. Sorry!"

••• Here's a new one: "May 20th / May 21st" / video:
(title graphic and Late Show theme song

(graphic and female voice-over): "May 20th"

(clip): Dave runs across the stage.

(graphic and female voice-over): "May 21st"

(Photoshop fun): Dave's house

(FX): phone ringing

(animation): house lights come on / silhouette of Dave running past several windows to answer it

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'May 20th / May 21st.' "

••• A shout out from an evangelist has led to "Television Evangelist Highlight of the Night." / video:
(title graphic)

(onscreen text plus voice-over): "Reverend Dr. Kenneth Davis, Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church."

(Rev. Davis), screaming and preaching it up: Whatever he's screaming is unintelligible at first, which is just as well. He holds up a loser sign, meant to be a #1, then says, "Just one more thing." (Rev. Davis mops his forehead with a hanky, then continues his message in stanzas, to organ music.)

"Just one more thing
When David Letterman had his Late Night show
My favorite portion
Was his Top Ten countdown

(The choir says something in response.)

(title graphic)

(Dave calls for a replay.)

••• Here's a segment not seen in a while... as in never: "CBS Affiliate Roundup." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(clueless anchor #1): Jocelyn Connell of CBS 46, Atlanta: "The countdown is on to David Letterman's final Tonight Show." (buzz)

(clueless anchor #2): Eva Mastromatteo, WSEE-TV, Eric, Pa." The retirement of Tonight Show host David Letterman..." (buzz)

(clueless anchor #3): "Alright, when we come back, just three shows left for David Letterman on the Tonight Show!" (buzz)

(clueless anchor #4): WKRC-12 anchorman: "The biggest Hollywood stars are making their final stops on the Tonight Show with David Letterman..." (buzz)

(clueless anchor #5): Local 6 male anchor: "Do you still like David Letterman?" (female anchor): "I do like like him. It's hard to... you know... watch the show sometimes..." ("yes" bell)

(title graphic and dramatic music)

•••
Dave's minding his own business at his mark, and Regis Philbin shows up. His hair has changed from white to gray, by the way. He can't believe Dave's ending the show. "I look around... Ed Sullivan should see this place now!" Regis hollers, "I've been comin' here for decades!"

(Dave): "You have been here 150 times... more than any other single guest."

(Regis): "But now you're leaving! Where does that leave Regis?"

(Dave): "I don't care."

(Regis): "Where am I gonna go?"

(Dave): "I don't know."

(Regis): "These people don't know where I am!"

(Dave): "I've got my own problems."

Regis offers to make an appearance on tomorrow's show, "because you need help." Too bad. It's booked solid. Both gentlemen claim to love each other. (Dave): "You've been an inspiration to me. ... I regard you to be a master communicator."

(Regis): "What does that mean?"

(Dave): "Well, that's a bad sign if you don't know. You can't possibly be a master communicator if you don't know what it means."

(Regis): "How about letting me be on your second-to-last show?"

(Dave): "Well, now we're gettin' someplace. No."

(Regis): "Too late! Regis is on the second-to-last show!"

(CBSO): the Pea Boy theme song

Regis makes his way out of the theater, shaking hands with just enough audience members to make him seem nice.

(Dave): "Go ahead and take your time, Regis."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Man, I'm really going to miss mentioning sponsors." / a plug for Macy's •••

ACT 2

desk chat: It's a famous last words quiz, with Paul.

"I never felt better." Orson Welles / Nope: Douglas Fairbanks
"Et tu, Brute?" / Julius Caesar!
"I'm bored with it all." / Jay Leno? / Nope: Winston Churchill

Top Ten Famous Last Words

10. "Lightning! Everyone under the tree!"

9. "You've parked in the wrong spot, Mr. Capone."

8. "Bring the karaoke machine over to the hot tub."

7. "Do you guys hear a drone?"

6. "Thanks for seeing me, Dr. Oz."

5. "Damn right I'm healthy enough for sex."

4. "May I take a selfie, Ms. Streisand?"

3. "We'll save money by hitchhiking."

2. "Jack Hanna said it won't bite."

1. "One scoop of Blue Bell ice creem, please."

•••
Dave calls in Rupert, who's wearing his usual t-shirt and shorts. He was making a little $$$ in Hello Deli before Dave arrived, but now he's on Easy Street. There are thousands of delis in New York City, and Rupert Jee's Hello Deli is one of them." (me): I had an Inky in there a mere six days ago.

Dave thanks Rupert for his participation over the years. There was a lot of fun with "Fun with Rupert," or whatever it was called... where Rupert would be out and about, and Dave would feed him obnoxious lines to say to civilians on candid camera. The first episode was on 12/02/94. It was great fun until someone pulled a knife on poor Rupert.

We see a great compilation tape of Rupert's work.

•••
Bill Murray has the very appropriate honor of being Dave's last interview guest. The CBSO play, "Chest Fever." The scrim rises, and Bill, attired in anti-cake goggles, emerges from a giant cake that says, "Good Bye Dave." He makes a colossal mess of the stage, as he's covered with colorful frosting. Bill approaches the audience, who dine off his clothing. He gives Dave a big hug, which trashes his suit coat, then takes his seat, making a mess of it, too. Dave issues a warning to the kids watching at home, "Don't forget the protective cake goggles. You're playin' with fire without the goggles."

Bill has completed an untitled Christmas show, with Paul. That'll be good!

Munching on cake, he observes to Dave, "You know, this is one of the few times you can eat off your shoe."

Suddenly Bill seems distraught. After four minutes onstage, he remembers that he left two brunette hotties, Rachel and Stevie, in the cake. They exit the cake, and get Dave even more frosted-up, by way of big hugs.

Out of commercials, Dave reminds us of what we all know, that Bill was the first guest on Late Night, and the first Late Show interview guest, too... not counting Paul Newman in the audience, thinking he was at Cats, and Tom Brokaw, reclaiming intellectual property. The 53rd St. doors to the left of the audience are called the Bill Murray Doors.

It's the 35th anniversary of Caddyshack. Dave announces something I didn't know... that Bill ad libbed most of what he did in that movie. Not much was written for him. Brian Doyle-Murray wrote it with the late Harold Ramis. They'd call Bill back from Saturday Night Live to do more scenes.

bumper: Bill on the morning show, 10/06/80

Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Join us tomorrow for Dave's final show, an hour of fun and surprises. Also, tickets are still available for June, July and August! Send your requests to

Summer Tickets
The Ed Sullivan Theater
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019

Out of commercials, Dave has a compilation of Bill's appearances over the years, doing his various stunts and in his crazy costumes, set to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright."

Bill then fools us into thinking he's beginning yet another celebrity tribute to Dave. He says, "I hate to be one of those guys..." Off come the gloves, and Bill does an extended product placement for Slovenia Vodka. Dave fills a couple of shot glasses, then takes a long drink of vodka water from the bottle. Bill: "It's smooth. It goes down like Slovenian mother's milk."

After knocking back about a gallon of vodka, Bill brings up Dave's departure. "You have... you know... the world on a string. You know, it's all goin' your way, and I know that you feel you've thought about this... that you really should leave, and everything, but I don't know if that's right." (pretends to be choked-up) "I'm gettin'... I don't know if that's right, Dave." (Dave): "I appreciate the sentiment, but one wonders, 'Is it the vodka talking, here?' (Bill): "Well, I will find out." (He knocks back some more vodka water.)

Then Bill starts talking about Harry's virgin birth, and how great things are for Dave. Dave reaches for the Slovenia cap, and screws it tightly on the bottle.

Bill says, "We want more, Dave." He leads the audience in a chant for Dave. Then a camera follows Bill as he goes out to 53rd Street to enlist Dave's fans for a rally. They head over to Broadway, just beside Dave Letterman Park, and that's the last we'll see of Bill.

••• bumper: Bob Dylan on Late Night, 3/22/84 ••• Bob Dylan, last seen on the Late Show on 11/18/93, becomes the last musical guest on Dave's shows, singing "The Night We Called It a Day." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. •••


In Memoriam

Kathleen Ankers
Dorothy Chambers
Calvert Deforest
Kevin Dronne
Michael "Doe" Goldsmith
Michele O'Callaghan
Thomas Richards
Bobby Savene
Leonard Tepper
Bill Wendell
Benny Williams

2008   2009   2010   2011   2012   2013   2014

JAN  FEB  MAR  APR  MAY  JUN  JUL  AUG  SEP  OCT  NOV  DEC

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Dec. 2, 1985... 29 years. But... my logs from the early years are minimal: guests' names, musical groups' names, segment titles, Top Ten titles, etc. The Internet wouldn't come along for another 10 years, so I wasn't writing for an audience. I know... I'm still only writing for a three or four.

Once a week, the five new logs are pasted into a master file containing all 4,100+ entries, covering all 21 years on CBS. The Late Show file is now over 1,400,000 words, and 2,600 pages. The Late Night logs are in a separate file.

If you're interested, have a look at my database that shows the number of new episodes and repeats for each year on CBS.

Be sure to read the official episode logs from Worldwide Pants, Inc., the Wahoo Gazette. You can also go back in the Wahoo archives, to read Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with January 1, 2002. Click in the Search By Date box to select an episode.

As a compilation, this episode guide is © David Yoder, but obviously the quotes and the comedy gold reported herein are the products and property of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, the worldwide leader in pants (or trousers, as the British call them).