1/02/09: REPEAT FROM 12/11/08

1/05/09 [3042]: "CNN Clip of the Night" / video:

As Suzanne Malveaux of The Situation Room begins a dialogue with her remote guests, we see a male staffer crawling around behind her, no doubt in the belief that he can't be seen. His every move is tracked via the Late Show Red Arrow™. He has no future as a ninja.

• Cut back on bacon. (It's too good.)
• Finally get an eyelift.
• Keep on hangin' and bangin'.
• Send another audition tape to Dancing with the Stars.
• Stand up to those punks outside 7-Eleven®. Yes!
• Stop eating roadkill. (It's either the bacon or the roadkill.)

"Tomorrow night, it's the premiere of ABC's thrilling new reality series Homeland Security USA. Don't miss a moment of the pulse-pounding excitement you've come to expect from Homeland Security." (clips of wanding airline passengers and the x-ray conveyor) "Homeland Security USA: Only on ABC."

"George W. Bush has been the target of criticism for his handling of the economy, Iraq, the environment and countless other issues. But now the president would like to speak up in defense of his record." (clip of the president on camera, blinking, waiting to go on the air for some address or other) "George W. Bush: 'I got nothin'.' "

• Return Paris's rental shoes to bowling alley.

• Get the riding mower out of the pool.
• Start reading the comedy in rehearsal, and not on the air.

1/06/09 [3043]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your president." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 3. George W. Bush: "Um, first I recognize..." (unintelligible) (all with flying shoe FX) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Ball State, as we speak (almost) is playing Tulsa in the GMAC bowl in Alabama. ••• Pat Farmer brings in a pizza for an audience babe. ••• back to our desk chat: Ball State went into their bowl game 12-1. / video: wacky black & white football footage ••• The White House kitty, India, recently kicked the bucket at age 18. / "Remembering the White House Cat" / video:

"She was a cherished friend and a loyal companion." — President George W. Bush

"She made our lives brighter, and we loved her dearly." — First Lady Laura Bush

"Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow." — Secret Service agent Mittens (a white kitty wearing sunglasses and a tie)

1/07/09 [3044]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will be, enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody over a long distance, and it will seem like the person is right there in the room with you." (all with FX flying shoes) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reports that Ball State played its bowl game last night. He has a clip of some opportunistic dudes who have "HI DAVE" spelled out on their shirts. Dave's less impressed than they expected, as the gentleman on the right has "VE" on his shirt. Only five guys were interested in helping with this stunt. ••• Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• Dave makes up a story that there is a new monkey channel, and he has a clip for us, because he's in it. / video: "A Human Sneezing" ••• There was an interesting moment in Washington today, as all the living presidents gathered to wish Barack Obama well. / video:

"Earlier today, President Bush had the pleasure of hosting all the other living presidents at the White House. Unfortunately, no one told President Bush that Gerald Ford passed away." (horror movie "somebody's-about-to-get-killed" sound and photo of President Ford's skeleton, seated at the dining table) "Gerald Ford: Don't call it a comeback."

1/08/09 [3045]: monologue: Sanjay Gupta jokes ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "At one point in our history, we had too many Jewish people and too many Italians. We have to remember that." (all with FX flying shoes) ••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the New York Post. It has a picture of the gathering of all living presidents in the White House this week, with the caption "CLUB PREZ." Oddly enough, Hillary Clinton is outside, peering in a window. Then Dave shows the Late City Final Edition of the same, fine publication. President Clinton is not wearing pants. ••• desk chat: Dave cautions us that he's "this close" (fingers held ½ inch apart) to discontinuing tonight's broadcast. He has a cold. (What's he doing with a cold? He was hanging in St. Bart's last week, for goodness sakes.) Oh, you know Dave... he's always looking for an excuse to say lozenge on air. ••• Barack Obama apparently has someone in mind for Secretary of Commerce. It's Richard Parsons, who runs Time Warner. / video:

"Businessman Richard Parsons is being considered to be the next Secretary of Commerce. Parsons is best known for leading Time Warner, whose divisions include Time Warner Cable." (picture of a cable television installer's truck) "Parsons says he'll show up for his interview with Obama on Friday, sometime between 9 A.M. and 4 P.M. Time Warner Cable: 'Your call is very important to us; please continue to hold.' "

1/09/09 [3046]: New this week: Dave has taken up uttering "kissy kissy" in a falsetto voice, not unlike his much-beloved "Heeeeere, kitty kitty kitty." At this point we're not sure where this one came from. ••• Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• This just in from Parts Unknown: Someone has sent in a clip of "A Squid Sneezing." / We hear the peppy "A Monkey Sneezing" theme song, along with a clip of a squid firing off a rocket from its ink sac and the familiar sound of Sherman sneezing. How much do ya wanna bet that we'll see this one again? ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "You don't like what we tell you to believe in... we'll kill you." (all with FX flying shoes) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• from Face the Nation: "Dick Cheney Lie Count" / The Vice-President delivers eight whoppers. ••• Governor Bill Richardson of New Mexico was going to be Secretary of Commerce. He did some illegal stuff, so maybe he shouldn't be on the Cabinet. /video:

"Bill Richardson would like to thank Barack Obama for the consideration, but ultimately, Richardson decided that he couldn't leave New Mexico and the wonderful deals at New Mexico's Taco Bell® locations. Choose from 99¢ burritos, tamales, quesadillas, chimichangas, and Bill's personal favorite, Chalupa Supreme™! Bill Richardson: 'Mmmmmm hungry!' "

"On January 20th, a new era in American history will dawn with the inauguration of Barack Obama. Organizers expect up to three million people to show up, meaning that every hotel room in the area has long since been booked. So what's a democracy-loving girl like yourself supposed to do? Why not stay at my condo in Newark, a mere hundred and eighty-six miles from the nation's capital? If you're between the ages of 18 and 29, a natural-born female and open to exploring your sensuality with an experienced, musky-smelling stallion, Big Red wants to help you put the O back in Obama. During your stay you'll enjoy access to state-of-the-art amenities, from Pulsating Pleasure Wands to my Extra-Durable Intimacy Swing for the heavy gal. Plus you'll get three meals, with continental breakfast in the morning, lunch in the afternoon..." (picture of a shirtless Alan) "...and at night, all the red meat you can handle. Oh oh oh, yeah. Ohhhh, yeahhhhh..."

1/12/09 [3047]: monologue: Dave slightly blows a joke, and Tony Mendez persuades him into a do-over. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. John F. Kennedy: "There are some who say that Communism is the wave of the future. Let them come to Berlin." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Communism is another sad, bizarre chapter in human history, whose last, last pages even now are being written." 3. George W. Bush: "Ten years ago there were four, and today there are... yeah... a lot." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reports big trouble with an audience guy in the pre-show questions. Not long after, the audience beat the guy silly. Then a lovely lady from Hawaii made a better impression on our host. She was in the city on her honeymoon and yes, you guessed it. It's dinner for two at 21, with the certificate delivered in person by Dave. ••• It was Wild Card Weekend in the NFL. The Giants lost. / Mike Singletary of the 49ers (or receptionist Art Kelly, whichever you'd like to believe) is on split screen with Dave. ••• Governor Blagojevich of Illinois got impeached at the end of the week, and he had a press conference. Then he promptly had a follow-up press conference. / CNN video:

(clip of the Governor's animated hair) "Look, I just sit on the guy's head. I'm not involved in making any decisions, and I'm confident that I will be exonerated. If you have any further questions, you may direct them to my attorney."

1/13/09 [3048]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 3. George W. Bush: "The best way to defeat this enemy in the long run is to deny them the recruiting tools that are and, and recruitaments made, made possible by resentment." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells us about going to the All-Star Game years ago in Jack Price Stadium. He says he'd put away a few beers, and he started hollering to Freddie Patek about his 5' 5" stature. ("Is it Bring Your Son to Work Night?") After a while, a lady in front of him turned around and said, "I happen to be Mrs. Freddie Patek, and I don't appreciate those remarks." ••• The People's Choice Awards aired last week. Now Al Jazeera has gotten in on the act. / "Mullah's Choice Awards" / video:

"Live from Kandahar, it's the Mullah's Choice Awards. The extremist clerics have made their decisions. Find out who will win Best Beard, Best Oppressed Anonymous Woman... can Osama make it a three-peat for Best Performance in a Jihad Video? The Mullah's Choice Awards: Coming up next on Al Jazeera."

"Hi, Dave, it's me, Bernie Madoff, the financial swindler. I just wanted to check... did you get the watches and necklaces I sent you? Look... I'm trapped in my penthouse under house arrest, and I'm going stir crazy. You wanna come over later and talk about Connie Chung? Ah, bite me, Fruitcake."

"Point 23. Until 2006, President Bush was under the impression that the White House portrait of Grover Cleveland was actually of Cannon star William Conrad. This has been '100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration.' "

"Thanks, Dave. You know, it's hard not to be excited by the feeling of change in the air. It's good news for everyone, except for comedy writers. You see, for the past eight years we've been living on Easy Street, thanks to a president who cannot form a sentence. That's why I'd like to make this special appeal to Barack Obama: Mr. President-elect, help us out. Sure... fix the economy, ease tensions abroad, get us off foreign oil. But I'm beggin' ya... trip over an extension cord once in a while. Get drunk and make a pass at that German Chancellor, Merkel. And I know you're tryin' to quit, but it might be fun if you sneak in a butt now every now and again. We'll make America laugh if you play fair with the writers, and meet us halfway. Thanks, and God bless America."

1/14/09 [3049]: monologue: Dave announces that today is the ninth anniversary of his quintuple bypass and groping. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "Thanks for coming. Be seated. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House. Thanks for coming..." ••• desk chat: Dave has more to say about his bypass. He wants to recognize the medical team that kept him on the air, just as he did when he returned to the Late Show on February 21, 2000. He names Dr. O. Wayne Isom, Dr. Karl Krieger, Dr. Robert Helm, Dr. Pavel Illner (the gas man), Dr. Martin Post, Lawrence Katz, Dr. Lou Arrone, and nurses Donna Reilly and Anna Williams. He believes his life was spared so he could have Harry. Dave has a short clip of his son waving. Now, we know that before this little talk is over, we'll be reminded of the groping which occurred that day. It was all on the security tape. We have the groper (is that a word?) here to take a bow. The orderly's name is Ronald Portnoy. (He moonlights as a Michael Z. McIntee impersonator, I expect.) (Ladies and gentlemen, this may be a first. At the start of the desk chat Dave asked, "Anyone here ever have the bypass surgery?" Silence. Apparently no one in the horn section raised his hand to play along. I just wanted to put that on record.) ••• Clint Eastwood plugs Gran Torino. ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview": Clint Eastwood ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Remember, for good television hygiene, the FCC recommends washing your television regularly." ••• The Randy Rogers Band

1/15/09 [3050]: monologue: "It's so cold" jokes ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have now made it clear that lawless aggression will be met with force." 2. Johnny Dark as Abraham Lincoln: "Fourscore and seven years ago..." 3. George W. Bush: "It's the first time we've been back to Texas since our trip to Africa, and you may recall we went to a park in Botswana." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• [desk chat: Dave reports the landing of a U. S. Airways Airbus A320 in the Hudson River, just a few blocks away, this afternoon. He likes the A320. "They float better than they fly," he says, and wonders, "What kind of bird can bring down an A320?" / video from the scene at 4:45 P.M. / It was a happy ending, with no life-threatening injuries, but some passengers complained of damp socks.] ••• video: That worthless bastard, Osama bin Laden, has just released his latest terror video. Unfortunately, the poor little fella has some respiratory ailment, so someone else had to do the voice-over for him.

"As long as the American infidels soil our land with their unholy presence, we will continue to wage our blessed jihad against them. Praise be to Allah for bring down his wrath down on the invading pig dogs. Death to America!"

1/16/09 [3051]: monologue: Dave says the Late Show is a top tourist attraction in New York City. ••• It's the final "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" (or so it was billed at the time). / 1. John F. Kennedy: "And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "The issue of immigration stirs intense emotions. And in recent weeks, Americans have seen these emotions on display. On the streets of major cities..." (That's the end of it. Apparently the president was doing a sound check.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Astronomers have discovered a mysterious noise coming from space. Oh... by the way... New York City smelled like pancakes and syrup last week. Anyway, we have live video, compliments of NASA, of this unusual phenomenon. / video: There's a moment of rumbling, followed quickly by the theme from Sanford and Son. ••• The new movie, Bride Wars, has Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, but it's not all sweetness. / video:

"Two brides are best friends who become bitter rivals when they learn their weddings are scheduled for the same time, on the same day, in the same venue, to the same man." (clip of Mr. Larry King, who looks like an owl) "Bride Wars: In theaters now."

1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
2. John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country."
3. George W. Bush: "Let me just remind you where we have been through. What we have been through.
4. George W. Bush: "My dad, like many of your rel... uh, uh, folk... who've got relatives here... many of you whose relatives who did the same thing who are... You're here... their relatives probably aren't..."
5. George W. Bush: "And, uh, it is a, uh, I think it's a, I think it is, it's uh, it's uh, these..."
6. George W. Bush: "That there be a stable Iran. Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence... I mean Iraq."
7. George W. Bush: "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi bin al-Shibh or whatever the guy's name was..."
8. George W. Bush: "Thanks for coming. Be seated. Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House. Thanks for coming..."
9. George W. Bush: "If it feels good, do it. If you've got a problem, blame somebody else."
10. George W. Bush: "...you may recall we went to a park in Botswana."
11. George W. Bush: "Panama City... Panama"
12. George W. Bush: "What you probably want to know is the three words I'm not gonna tell you." (The president raises his right hand and counts with his fingers to five, while saying, "I'm _ not _ going _ to_ tell _ you. That's five words." (buzzer)
13. George W. Bush: "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will be, enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody on long distance, and it will seem like the person is right there in the room with you."
14. George W. Bush: "Yeah... uh... I think... Tide turning... See... As I remember it... I was raised in the desert... But tides kinda turn... It's easy to see a tide turn. Did I say those words?"
15. George W. Bush: "Let me. Let me. Let me. Let me."
16. George W. Bush: "You you you you you you you you're weak."
17. George W. Bush: "Doin' a better job of talkin' to one another. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doin'. (uses the wrong hands to demonstrate the idea)
18. George W. Bush: The president, accompanied by Laura, is dancing along and playing a drum with some sort of native performance, who knows where.
19. George W. Bush: Entering Marine One, the president bumps his head.
20. George W. Bush: dribbles a basketball and loses it.
21. George W. Bush: drops a Scottie dog.
22. George W. Bush: drops something.
23. George W. Bush: drops something.
24. George W. Bush: can't get through doors on a foreign visit.
25. George W. Bush: dodges an Iraqi's shoes.
26. George W. Bush: "On the streets of major cities..." (stops and looks around... sound check)
27. George W. Bush: young boy yawning and stretching behind the president
28. George W. Bush: spits out gum on the White House lawn before entering Marine One

1/19/09: REPEAT FROM 12/17/08

1/20/09: REPEAT FROM 12/19/08

1/21/09: REPEAT FROM 12/16/08

1/22/09: REPEAT FROM 12/18/08

1/23/09: REPEAT FROM 12/22/08

1/26/09 [3052]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." 3. Barack Obama: "If we take action, we can create new industries and revive old ones. We can open new factories, and empower new farms. We can lower costs, and revive our economy. We can do that, and we must do that." ••• "Post-Inauguration Round-Up" / video: We see a series of 12 TV anchors or reporters who have gotten so used to saying "President-elect Obama" that they all have to correct themselves on Inauguration Day. Finally, Vice-President Biden says,

"Because I'm Vice-President elect... I guess I'm not 'elect' anymore... I'm actually the Vice-President!"

(picture of a faucet) "Attention U. S. residents with indoor plumbing. The FDA has decreed that as of February 17th, 2009, all tap water will go digital. You will need a converter box if you wish to continue using your sink, shower, toilet or hose. Don't be left behind! Send $600 to Digi-Water Industries. Cash, check, credit cards accepted. No cops!"

1/27/09 [3053]: "George W. Bush: Where Is He Now?" / video:

"Within months of leaving the White House in January, 2009, George and his wife, Laura, divorced. George moved to the outskirts of Portland, Oregon, where he got work as assistant manager of a paving company. By the end of the year, he married the company receptionist, Stephanie, and they have two children, Ethan and Charlotte. George is now co-owner of the paving company, and in his spare time, he enjoys watching NASCAR and participating in chili cookoffs. He says he liked being president, but he wouldn't trade his new life for anything. This has been 'George W. Bush: Where Is He Now?' "

1/28/09 [3054]: "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "...that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 2. John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." 3. Barack Obama: "...that there be a stable Iran. Iran that is capable of rejecting Iranian influence. I mean Iraq." (George W. Bush's lips superimposed over Barack Obama's) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave wonders if he put someone's eye out with a pencil he threw into the audience. A smiling audience man holds it up. It's all good. ••• "What's Going on in the News?" / video:

1. Amy Winehouse is suing her husband for custody of the medicine cabinet.
2. Bernie Madoff is officially the most-despised figure in the country not named Bush.
3. "Sully" Sullenberger executed a soft landing on his wife.
4. Rush Limbaugh wants Obama's policies to fail. He's back on the Oxycontin®.
5. Iran will have enough uranium for nuclear weapons this year. Also, camels go digitial in June.
6. Governor Rod Blagojevich received large bribes from the shampoo and conditioner industry.
7. Joe Torre admits to a sizzling affair with Alex Rodriguez.
8. New New York Senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, was welcomed with a collective, "Who?"

1/29/09 [3055]: "Bernie Madoff House Arrest Update"

"January 29th, 2009: Mr. Madoff summoned the doorman to ask him if he could change two tens for a five. This has been a 'Bernie Madoff House Arrest Update.' "

1/30/09 [3056]: "An Excerpt from Joe Torre's The Yankee Years" / video:

"Page 172. I really need to work on my Spanish. While trying to tell one of the Domincan players to always charge ground balls, I mistakenly told him to beat the clubhouse attendant with a fungo bat. This has been 'An Excerpt from Joe Torre's The Yankee Years.' "

"Sadly, Amy Winehouse and her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, have decided to terminate their marriage. The couple has agreed to an equitable split of the property and finances; however, one contentious point remains: the battle for custody of her liver. Her liver, ladies and gentlemen. Custody of her liver. Amy Winehouse: What do you mean, last call?"

2/02/09 [3057]: "Memorable Super Bowl Halftime Shows" (We see Bruce Springsteen in 2009, U2 in 2002 and the violin-playing Dave lookalike, who stole the show in 1987, singing "Camptown Ladies.") ••• "Groundhog Day Shadow Update" / video:

(photo of our bucktoothed friend, Punxsutawney Phil) "In Pennsylvania, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, indicating six more weeks of winter. New York's Staten Island Chuck did not see his shadow, indicating an early spring. And Michael Phelps spent nine hours staring at his shadow and saying, 'Duuuude.' "

2/03/09 [3058]: Our darkest hour of 2009 occurred yesterday. Mayor Bloomberg picked up a snarling groundhog yesterday and got bitten. / video:

(picture of a groundhog in its little house, swiping an ear of field corn) "During a Groundhog Day ceremony on Staten Island, Mayor Bloomberg was bitten on the hand by a groundhog. According to the official medical report, the Mayor has minor abrasions, moderate swelling, and every night at sunset, he now turns into a rabid, half-man, half-groundhog that prowls the streets in search of human blood." (picture of the Mayor with red eyes and groundhog buck teeth) "New York City: Please remain in your homes until further notice."

2/04/09 [3059]: There's more to the story of Captain Chesley Sullenberger's heroic jet landing on the Hudson River. / video:

"Heroic U. S. Air captain Chesley Sullenberger recently apologized to his local library for an overdue book, telling them that it was in the cargo hold of the plane that landed in the Hudson River. However, during a police interrogation, Sullenberger finally broke down and admitted that he deliberately ditched the plane so he'd have an excuse for not returning Thin Thighs in 30 Days. Sullenberger: making water landings fun again."

"I call upon the faithful to wage jihad worldwide; however, I regret to announce that I am stepping down from al-Qaeda due to some tax issues. I have now paid the $80,000, but I know there is no excuse for my carelessness. Oh... and death to America... especially the I.R.S."

• 6:00 a.m.  Wakes up, realizes the economy is still a mess, hits snooze bar and goes back to sleep
• 8:00 a.m.  Asks H&R Block if they can teach his cabinet members how to pay their taxes
• 9:00 a.m.  Hillary Clinton arrives for staff meeting; forcibly removed by Secret Service after she refuses to leave Oval Office
• 10:00 a.m.  Gets kicked out of the living room because mother-in-law wants to watch her soap operas
• 11:00 a.m.  $14 billion is included in stimulus bill to repair Mickey Rourke's face

• noon  Finds one of Cheney's spare hearts in a drawer
• 1:00 p.m.  Smoke break
• 2:00 p.m.  Spends 45 minutes looking cool
• 3:00 p.m.  Rush Limbaugh now says that he wants Obama to succeed if it means lower prescription drug prices
• 3:30 p.m.  Laughs hysterically upon hearing Sarah Palin is considering a presidential run in 2012
• 11:30 p.m.  Sees Late Show's lame "President Obama" piece; concludes comedians still don't know how to write a decent joke about him
• midnight  He and Michelle finish the day by bumping fists

2/05/09 [3060]: A bunch of people got together recently and used special technology to depict what Martha Washington looked like as a young woman. / video:

"Thanks to advanced age regression technology, forensic anthropologists were able to determine what Martha Washington looked like as a 25-year-old woman." (picture of a beautiful, brunette Martha) "In addition, by utilizing even more sophisticated technology, the scientists were able to determine that Martha liked it rough. A message from a university."

(a series of photos of the victims) "Actor Kevin Bacon. Director Steven Spielberg. Baseball legend Sandy Koufax. And Late Show announcer, Alan Kalter."

• "Barack Obama is so dumb, after his father, George, was elected in 1988, he told him to invade Sweden for the free meatballs."
• "Barack Obama is so dumb, when his wife, Laura, told him she wanted a small wedding, he tried to hire a three-foot-tall preacher."
• "Barack Obama is so dumb, while debating Al Gore during the 2000 election, he suggested people save energy by keeping TVs on a low channel."

• "Barack Obama is so old, he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate, because she reminded him of his nurse."

2/06/09 [3061]: The United States Postal Service is looking at cuts in service. / video:

"The U.S. Postal Service is committed to excellence. However, the current budget crisis is forcing some service adjustments. In addition to the possible elimination of a day of mail delivery, people with last names beginning with T through Z will no longer receive mail. Pickup and delivery will no longer be available in Vermont, North Dakota or New Mexico. And, effective immediately, the price of a first class stamp is $85. Thanks for your understanding. The United States Postal Service: we deliver for you."

(picture of a faucet) "Attention U. S. residents with indoor plumbing. The FDA has decreed that as of February 17th, 2009, all tap water will go digital. You will need a convertor box if you wish to continue using your sink, shower, toilet or hose. Don't be left behind! Send $600 to Digi-Water Industries. Cash, check, credit cards accepted. No cops!"

2/09/09 [3062]: Captain Chesley Sullenberger landed U. S. Airways 1549 in the Hudson River. / audio:

CHESLEY B. "SULLY" SULLENBERGER, CAPTAIN OF FLIGHT 1549:
"This is Cactus 1539. Hit birds. We lost thrust in both engines. We're turning back towards LaGuardia."

CHRISTIAN BALE, ACTOR:
"You're unbelievable, man, you're un-givling believable."

NEW YORK TRACON:
"OK, yeah. You need to return to LaGuardia. Turn left, heading of two-two-zero."

SULLENBERGER:
"We're unable. We may end up in the Hudson."

BALE:
"What the givl are you doing? Gimme a givling answer."

SULLENBERGER:
"Unable."

BALE:
"Think for one givling second."

NEW YORK TRACON:
"Cactus 1529, turn right 280. You can land runway one at Teterboro."

SULLENBERGER:
"We can't do it."

BALE:
"Givl sake man, you're amateur."

SULLENBERGER:
"We're gonna be in the Hudson."

BALE:
"You and me, we're done professionally. Givling ass."

We see a smiling Al Gore next to a Grammy, with Carl Douglas's Kung Fu Fighting playing.

(picture of the familiar GM logo) "We interrupt this program for a special message from General Motors. To the guy in Tulsa who was considering the Chevy Impala: We'll thrown in pinstriping and satellite radio. We're open late all this week. We now return you to Falcon Crest, already in progress."

2/10/09 [3063]: There has recently been an aroma similar to maple syrup in New York City. Mayor Bloomberg put together a task force last week to get to the bottom of this. (It came from a North Bergen, New Jersey, plant called Frutarom that was manufacturing a food fragrance using a certain type of seed. The odor spreads when the wind is blowing at the right speed, in the right direction, and humidity is high with no rain. Now back to the show.) / video:

"Attention. The New York City Department of Environmental Protection has found the cause of the strange, syrupy scent that has plagued our area for years. The smell is reportedly coming from this food additive plant in New Jersey." (picture of the Frutarom plant) "Rest assured this sweet aroma will be dealt with, and New York City's usual odor of rotting Chinese food and urine will resume immediately. This has been a message from Mayor Michael Bloomberg."

2/11/09 [3064]: Tomorrow is the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. PBS is doing a fine documentary on him. / video:

(picture of Abraham Lincoln's statue in the Lincoln Memorial) "And now PBS presents 'Looking for Lincoln.' " (picture of his grave) "There he is!" (Roll credits.)

"This Valentine's Day, let flowers tell your special lady how you feel. FTD® makes it easy, with our 'I'm sorry' bouquet. It's the perfect way to apologize if you've said things like this." (Christian Bale saying, "What the givl is it with you? What don't you &%$#@ understand?") "Order FTD's 'I'm sorry' bouquet now."

2/12/09 [3065]: Something strange happened a couple of nights ago. This Late Show security video will explain it.

(video of an agitated Dave in an elevator)

Dave: "What? Wait a minute. Where? We're not moving! What? What's happening? The cable! The cable's gonna snap! There's no air! I can't breathe! What? What? What? Oh! What are we gonna do? Oh, my God!" (The picture widens to reveal two additional passengers on the Elevator of Death: Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger III and First Officer Jeffrey Skiles of U. S. Airways.)

Skiles: "You forgot to hit the button. Phew! Idiot!"

(picture of Olympian Michael Phelps: WEED) (Alex Rodriguez: 'ROIDS) (Joaquin Phoenix: ?????????)

2/13/09 [3066]: "Why Things Are Better Now Than in the 1930s" / video:

(picture of a box of Safeway® Microwaveable Fully Cooked Bacon) Michael Z. McIntee voices over, "Microwaveable bacon!"

2/16/09 [3067]: We're celebrating the 200^th birthday of Abraham Lincoln. Here's a rundown of all the current shows about Abraham Lincoln. / video:

"Tonight at 9, PBS presents Looking for Lincoln. Saturday at 9, The History Channel presents The Real Abraham Lincoln. Sunday at Midnight, The Spice Channel presents Stovepipe Sluts 2. (picture of a slut wearing a stovepipe hat)

(Anchor): "You've seen the now-infamous picture of Michael Phelps smoking from a bong."

(Shepard Smith): "Phelps was photographed holding a bong."

(MSNBC anchors): "The guy who owned the bong."

(21 more anchors): "Bong."

(Anchor): "Smoking marijuana from a bong."

"Congratulations to Justin Timberlake, who was named the most stylish man in America by GQ. In the closest voting in our history, second place went to David Letterman. (video of Dave putting on a blue Cap'n Crunch™ hat on July 17, 2008) "GQ: Let us help you become gay."

2/17/09 [3068]: "The Truth About the Economic $timulu$ Package" / video:

"The 787 billion dollar economic stimulus package is just the thing to get the economy going again. But first..." (video of civil disobedience, armed insurrection and arson) "...America's cities will burn while bands of emaciated outlaws fight for survival. By the third quarter, things should be picking up again."

"Hillary was in Tokyo speaking with Japanese leaders to promote bilateral alliances, and offering North Korea a peace treaty to cease nuclear operations, while Bill finished 50 hot wings at the Fresno Hooters™, and gave his phone number to a waitress named Mindy." (picture of that hottie, Mindy) "This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "

Gammons: "This week Sports Illustrated reported that, uh, that in 2003 you tested positive for testosterone and an anabolic steroid known as Primabolan™. What's the truth?"

Letterman (with a big grin): "Well, that, yeah... that's, uh, that's true. I, uh, I wanted to take the stuff because, uh, I wanted to get big and chase chicks. Uh... and also, I felt like when I was on, uh, the juice, I was funnier. Uh, for example, I wrote this joke. 'It was so hot in Central Park today I saw a squirrel putting suntan lotion on his nuts.' That's a good one! What would you like to talk about now?"

2/18/09 [3069]: cold open: Tony Mendez and Dave are hanging out before the big show. Tony's on the phone. / video:

Tony: "You're fine. Just bring some chips and some wine. It starts at 8 o'clock this Sunday. Don't be late! OK, Bye."

TV Boy: "You having an Academy Awards party?"

Tony: "Oh, no. That was a wrong number." (wacky spring sound)

TV Boy: (just like Jude Brennan does to him): "Idiot." (Late Show intro)

(We see a news team of WABC-7 TV making small talk.) Meteorologist Bill Evans turns to traffic reporter Joe Nolan and asks, "Hey, Joe, you hear anything about that big earthquake overnight there around Boonton?"

Nolan: "Nah, is it Boonton?"

Evans: "Yeah, around Boonton there... around Randolph there..."

Nolan: "I have a cousin that lives in Boonton."

Evans: "That's the third time, Joe, in a month."

Nolan: "Yeah, I know. Isn't that weird? That's strange."

(animation of a spinning planet earth) "Using state-of-the-art satellite mapping technology, a team of UCLA geographers has determined that Osama bin Laden is probably hiding in one of three buildings in the Pakistani town of Parachinar." (red arrows on satellite surveillance locations) "He could be in this abandoned prison... this warehouse... or he could have moved into this high-rise apartment building with his messy friend, Oscar bin Madison." (clip from the TV version of The Odd Couple) "Can two terrorists share an apartment without driving each other crazy? Find out on The Jihad Couple, weeknights at 9 on TV Land."

"Hillary arrived in Jakarta and met with the foreign minister to encourage democracy in Burma, while Bill surpised the ΣΦΕ fraternity at Colorado State University by crashing their party, playing beer pong and hitting on a theater major named Sheila. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "

• "Barack Obama is so dumb, he bought his ranch in Crawford, Texas because he wanted to grow ranch dressing."
• "Barack Obama is so dumb, while debating Al Gore in 2000 he recommended conserving gas by making all roads downhill."
• "Barack Obama is so dumb, when he blows out his birthday candles, his wife, Laura, has to remind him to not wish for cake."

• "Barack Obama is so fat, every time his wife, Tipper, climbs on top of him, her ears pop."

"Hi, everybody, it's me, Alex Rodriguez. Hit a home run for fair play, and stay off the juice. See you at the ballpark!

2/19/09 [3070]: Know how whenever Dave asks a rhetorical question, the gentlemen in the horn section always raise their hands? Tonight we learn that the whole lot of 'em are on the 'roids. (Note to Dave: Never ask an incriminating question when the horn section men are in the room.) ••• Men and women sin in different ways. / video from the Pope:

"This new study has found many differences in the ways men and women sin. Men are more likely to commit sins of lust and gluttony, while women's sins are usually of pride and envy. We also found that men never stop to ask for directions, while women love to shop! And what's the deal with men always forgetting to put the toilet seat down? The ladies know what I'm talking about. And if I had a wife, I bet her cooking would be terrible."

"Hillary was in Seoul discussing our expanding global cooperative partnership with the Republic of Korea, while Bill went to New York City's Ace Bar, and bought several rounds of drinks for six girls from Staten Island enjoying a bachelorette party."

Last night Dave ran some amusing banter from the anchors at WABC-7. Today they set out to turn the tables with some video from Dave. Oops. They don't have it.

2/20/09 [3071]: desk chat: Dave was especially amused during tonight's pre-show questions. When he asked a gentleman questioner where he was from, the dude stammered around before replying, "Topeka." Dave replied, "You're lying!'' Upon further questioning, it turned out he's from Wakarusa, Kansas, five or six miles south of Topeka (and 50 miles southeast of me in Manhattan). Dave latches onto the opportunity, repeating Wakarusa several times during the show, and the Top Ten is rewritten with a Topeka reference. ••• "Important Announcement" / video:

"This is an important announcement about a once-in-a-lifetime economic opportunity. Foreclosed properties are selling for pennies on the dollar." (photos of homes) "Make an offer on this historic New York City commercial space." (photo of the Ed Sullivan Theater) "Current tenant will be evicted on March 1st." (photo of David Letterman at his desk) "Call today to place your bid."

2/23/09: REPEAT FROM 1/08/09

2/24/09: REPEAT FROM 2/02/09

2/25/09: REPEAT FROM 1/29/09

2/26/09: REPEAT FROM 2/11/09

2/27/09: REPEAT FROM 1/14/09

3/02/09 [3072]: New York City received about a foot of snow today. Mayor Bloomberg's office has an announcement. / video and voice-over:

(clip of New Yorkers buried in snow) "New York City was hit on Monday with nearly a foot of snow. At LaGuardia Airport, the snowfall measured 10 inches. In Central Park, it measured 9 inches. And at Mayor Bloomberg's home, it measured 11 inches." (doctored photo of the mayor's head sticking out of a snowdrift) "Bloomberg: the littlest mayor."

(CNN's John Roberts) "March roaring in like a lion." (CNN): "March roars in like a lion." (NBC's Today): "They say March comes in like a lion." (MSNBC): "March roars in like a lion." (CBS's The Early Show): "March roars in like a lion." (sounds like Fox's Bill Hemmer): "March roars in like a lion." (CNN's Kiran Chetry): "...and March roaring in like a lion." (FOX 5's A. J. Burnett in Massachusetts): "March is roaring in like a lion." (WNBC 4 New York): "March definitely coming in like a lion." (CNBC): "March... coming in... like a lion." (WNBC 4 New York): "March is sort of roaring in like a lion." (Fox 5's Linda Schmidt): "March... it comes in like a lion." (WCBS 2 New York's Tony Aiello): "Did Marie say March is coming in like a lion?"

(We see our favorite building engineer holding an ice skate, while displaying a bloody stump which once connected to his right hand. Actually, George now has one of those pirate hooks to replace his hand.) "Alcohol and skate sharpening don't mix. It's a fact."

3/03/09 [3073]: monologue: "It's so cold" jokes, and Dave gets the aaoogah horn when he says "big ****ing deal." ••• Before Barack Obama announced his plan to remove troops from Iraq, he called George W. Bush as a courtesy. / video:

Barack Obama: "There's starting to be a growing consensus that it's time for us to withdraw our combat troops out of Iraq."

George W. Bush: (unintelligible, as the former president is gnawing on potato chips)

"Aisles. / Shelves. / Jobs. / Homes. / Solutions. / Partners. / Debts. / Whites. / Experience. / Hearts. / Citizens. / Efforts. / Hurricanes. / Problems. / Workers. / Homebuyers. / Jobs. / Earmark ?. / Fuels. / Independence. / Patience. / Bureaucrats. / Citizens. / Schools. / Choice. / Troops. / Areas. / Jobs. / Principles. / Oval Office." (The Governor whistles with practically every word he utters.)

• "Barack Obama is so dumb, when his running mate, Dick Cheney, gave him a globe for his birthday, he asked him if it was actual size."
• "Barack Obama is so dumb, on his first date with his wife, Laura, he told her to meet him on the corner of Walk and Don't Walk."
• "Barack Obama is so dumb, when Condoleezza Rice told him she was going to Thailand, he thought it was a men's clothing store."

• "Barack Obama is so fat, when his wife, Tipper, took his suit to the dry cleaners they said, 'Sorry, we don't do curtains.' "

3/04/09 [3074]: cold open: Dave and Tony Mendez, Cue Card Wonder Boy, are in Dave's dressing room. Tony's putting the final touches on a card. Meanwhile, Dave's holding a hand mirror which is blocking his face from our view. As he moves it aside, we see that he's drawn on one of those John Waters / David Niven thin mustaches.

Dave: "Hey, Tony..."

Tony: "Huh?"

Dave: "Do I look like Zorro?"

Tony (barely glancing over at the back of Dave's head): "Yes, Mr. Letterman. You look exactly like Zorro."

Both gentlemen break out in uncontrollable laughter.

(opening montage, with Big Red and the CBSO)

"Bird hit the plane. Plane hit the water."

"Governor Paterson's approval rating has fallen to 26%, which is even lower than Eliot Spitzer's after the prostitution scandal. In an effort to boost his sagging numbers, Paterson would like to announce, it's Whore-a-Palooza in Albany!" (photo of whores) "The Governor's gonna be nailin' whores left and right. Governor Paterson: 'Sorry honey. It's for work.' "

3/05/09 [3075]: There's been discussion this week that Barack Obama is showing some gray hair that wasn't noticed prior to Inauguration Day. / "How the Presidents Aged" / video:

"After eight years in office, Bill Clinton's hair had gone almost completely white," (photos of Clinton) "George W. Bush had developed noticeable lines in his face," (photos of Bush) "and Dwight Eisenhower had developed into one of those creepy Benjamin Button babies." (photo of a diapered Ike)

Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera
Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera
Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera
Your call is important.
Your call is very important to us.
Please remain on the line.
Please remain on the line.

3/06/09 [3076]: Barack Obama's approval rating is going down. / video:

"President Barack Obama has recently seen his approval rating drift downward to its current level of 60%. While respectable, 60% is still well below the historic 100% percent George W. Bush enjoys for no longer being president. George W. Bush: still misunderestimated."

"Hillary was in Sharm al-Sheikh Egypt, where she met with the special envoy for Middle East peace and attended a conference on rebuilding Gaza, while Bill went skiing in the Pocono mountains, and relaxed in a champagne glass-shaped hot tub with a pair of ski instructors. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "

"While other banks struggle to stay afloat, only Bank of America has a revolutionary new business model that's guaranteed to bring in revenue, by charging customers to drop by and see what actual cash looks like. For just 50¢ you can relive those magical days when people had money. Gaze in wonder at ones, fives, tens... even twenties! And, for an extra nickel, we'll even let you lick the denomination of your choice. The Bank of America: where money goes to die."

(We see the members of U2 backstage at the Ed.)

Bono: "Jeff Mulroy of Akron, Ohio writes, 'Dear U2, the draft inducer motor in my gas furnace only comes on intermittently, so I'm not getting much heat. What's wrong?' "

The Edge: "Well, Jeff, you should start out by measuring the AC voltage being supplied to the inducer motor."

Adam Clayton: "That's right, The Edge. If it's at a steady 120 volts and the inducer motor doesn't run reliably, it's time for a new motor."

Larry Mullen, Jr.: "Also, Jeff, if the voltage supplied to the motor is erratic, but the 24-volt power supply to the circuit board is steady, you probably need a new circuit board."

Bono: "Hope that helps, Jeff. Thanks for writing."

3/09/09 [3077]: Barack Obama has had trouble filling his Cabinet positions. / video:

"After months of speculation, Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn his name from consideration to be the nation's next Surgeon General. Instead he plans to devote his energy to family, pay attention to surgical duties and spend more time Sanjaying his Gupta." (boing noise) "This has been 'It Sort of Sounds Like a Joke,' sponsored by True Value® Hardware. True Value®. Start right. Start here." (circus music and slide whistle)

"Hillary was back in Washington after a week-long tour of the Middle East and Europe, aimed at promoting goodwill and reaching out to longtime adversaries, while Bill was spring breaking in Panama City Beach, Florida, where he did Jell-O® shots with the University of Florida girls' volleyball team. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "

3/10/09 [3078]: "News Buzzwords of the Week" / video:

Barack Obama: "I'm proud that we passed a recovery plan free of earmarks." (Now we proceed to a series of anchors and talking heads with their buzzwords.) "Earmarks." "8,500 earmarks." "9,000 earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks and pork." "Earmarks and pork." "Pork barrel politics." "Pork barrel spending." "Pork-laden." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Pork." "Earmark pork." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Earmarks." "Pork projects."

"Bernie Madoff stole my life savings. Now I can't retire, and I'm forced to continue working at a job I hate." —Paul Shaffer, New York City

• Dr. Steve Bont, Osceola, Wisconsin (Yes.)
• Dean Blais, Fargo, North Dakota (Really?)
• Dr. Howard Tobin of Abilene, Texas (I guess.)
• Dr. John Wiley of Madison, Wisconson (I don't know.)
• Larry Sisterman of Huntsville, Alabama (Really? The name is similar, anyway.)
• Dr. John W. Graham of Lamar, Missouri (I don't think so.)
• Ryan Warner of North Manchester, Indiana (Come on!)
• Bob Graef of Arlington, Washington (I don't know.)
• Capt. Christopher Nervick of Milford, New Hampshire (How about just guys?)
• Sheila Stevenson of Kearny, Arizona (woman with glasses)
• assisted living advertisement model of Lansing, Michigan (smiling geezer)
• a guy arrested for throwing shingles off a roof at someone of Mariposa, California (Yes!)

• Abe Taylor and Sparky of San Francisco: Sparky is possessed by the devil and shows his teeth.
• Karen Edwards and Babe of Opelousas, Louisiana: Babe can bark out the number written on a card. (Really.)
• Mike Bower and Bailey of Buffalo, New York: Bailey plays dead.

3/11/09 [3079]: cold open: We see Dave and Tony Mendez in a dressing room. Tony's reading from a tabloid.

Tony: "Wow. It says here a man was arrested for having sex his vacuum cleaner."

Dave: (turning slowly toward Tony, nervously): "They, uh... they don't say who, do they?"

(picture of a Subway® entrance) "Today Bernie Madoff went to Subway® and tried to sneak out with $4 worth of meatballs in his mouth." (picture of Bernie with his little cheeks all expanded out, like a chipmunk)

"In the wake of two disastrous elections, infighting and historically-low poll numbers, we here at the Republican party have decided to rebrand our image." (picture of an elephant) "That's why we're changing our symbol from this loud, rampaging, bloated beast to this one." (picture of Rush Limbaugh) "A Message from the Republican National Committee"

Dave: "Oh, Lord, what is this? Whoa? What is happening?

Paul: "What's going on?"

Dave: "I think the foundation is settling. What? Is it me? We have a new chair. I think it's just me.

Paul: "I don't think it's the chair."

Dave, with his head on the desk: "Hi! We've had a lot of trouble with standing water and I think we're..."

Paul: "I don't think it's the chair."

Dave: "Uh, Dave? Excuse me. Dave, Dave Dorsett? Hi, Dave. How are you? I'm sorry. I'm I know what this is. It happens all the time. Monday, because of the time change, groggiest day of the year, and you're still a little tired from losin' sleep? Is that it, Dave?"

Dave Dorsett: "No. I get very sad when I realize I've wasted my life on this lousy show."

"Dear Sir: Normally I enjoy your fine program, but I must take umbrage with an accusation launched during your interview with Tom Brokaw. We are proud to only be the third-most-deadly cheese, so if you want to make fun of a vile, choke-worthy cheese, I suggest you direct your remarks to the Muenster people."

— Thomas Carlson, president, International Gouda Cheese Concerns

3/12/09 [3080]: That worthless bastard, Bernie Madoff, went to court today to answer for swindling people out of at least $64 billion dollars. He confessed, and was hauled straight to the graybar hotel. / "Bernie Madoff Court Appearance" / exclusive videotape:

We see some kind of Spanish-language show. Apparently a couple of young ladies have a score to settle with a gentleman, as they throw a pie in his face, and bang on his noggin with some sort of crow-looking piñata.

"New York state is considering a $10 tax on strip club visits, in order to generate desperately-needed revenue. New York City residents can pay the tax by placing 10 crumpled $1 bills in the waistband of Mayor Bloomberg's underpants. Mayor Mike Bloomberg: Yes we can!"

"Early this morning on the way to court, Bernie Madoff stopped off at the Central Park Zoo, and tried to smuggle out a pelican in his pants."

3/13/09 [3081]: Do you have the Apple iPhone™? Dave saw a crazy commercial today. / video and voice-over:

"Even though the Taliban has historically shunned modern technology, I am here to tell you I cannot live without the Apple iPhone™." (We hear Mark Mothersbaugh's "I'm a Mac" music.) "It has so many uses. You can use it to prop up the leg of a wobbly table. You can throw it at a tank. And it makes a handy beard scratcher."

(picture of the United States Capitol) "Warner Brothers presents a harrowing tale of a conspiracy that threatens to undermine the United States government, starring Tom Cruise as the president." (picture of the diminutive Tom, barely able to peer over the desk in the Oval Office) "The 28th Amendment: coming soon."

Gerard: "Do you like the atmosphere of a high-priced coffee chain, but can't afford it?"

Chris: "You bet, Gerry, and here's what I do." (reaching into his jacket) "I bring my own mug... and my own coffee... and my own hot water." (Chris fumbles with a plastic sandwich bag filled with scalding water.)

Gerard: "Ha ha ha ha."

Chris, obviously irritated, throws the hot water at Gerry's eyes.

3/16/09 [3082]: video: Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing" ••• video: "A Panda Sneezing" ••• desk chat: As a parent, Dave worries that he doesn't know what he's doing, so he talks to other parents to get ideas on possible activities for Harry. A Late Show staffer suggested the circus, then told Dave about her own kid's visit. A clown got in her grandmother's face, prompting her to holler, "Get the thing from me!" ••• Bernie Madoff was on house arrest in his $7,000,000 New York apartment from December 11, 2008 until he landed in the slammer on March 12, 2009. / "At Home with the Madoffs" / exclusive video:

Ruth (wearing her Trophy Wife t-shirt): "Alright, Bernie, I can be at the prison on the 15th for a conjugal visit."

Bernie (absorbed in a copy of Business Week): "Can't. Laundry duty."

Ruth: "How about the 19th?"

Bernie: "No can do. I got backgammon with the fellas."

Ruth: "What about the week of the 28th?"

Bernie: "I'm busy that whole week."

Ruth (hollering): "Doin' what?"

Bernie (lowering the magazine to reveal he's the legendary Pete Fatovich, grinning devilishly): "Thinkin' of excuses for not having sex with you!"

(Roll credits.)

3/17/09 [3083]: Up in Canada, there's a new service on cable TV, The Obituary Channel™ / video:

(We see The Obituary Channel™ logo, which is a "dead ringer" for The Weather Channel™ logo.) Announce: "You're watching The Obituary Channel™. Now here's the five-day forecast." (geezer picture) "Things aren't looking too sunny for 93-year-old Seymour Feinberg, who's heading south at a rapid pace." (geezer picture) "Doctors say Wally Olsen has reached a high of 89, with only a five percent chance of reaching the low 90s." (geezer picture) "And if you're friends with 96-year-old Leonard Rosenblum, you might want to pack some black clothing this weekend. The Obituary Channel™ will be back after these words from Sanka®."

(We see Bernie at the dining table, and Ruth walking around.)

Ruth (in a loud, shrill voice): "Prison, Bernie! I won't get to see you. I won't get to talk to you. I won't get to make love to you."

Bernie (played by the legendary Pete "Who gives a rat's ass?" Fatovich): "I know." (Bernie looks at the camera with a big grin.) "That's why I did it!"

(Roll credits.)

3/18/09 [3084]: Many of us have cheated death by riding in a New York City cab. A New York cab driver continues to drive after three suspensions of his license and a rap sheet that includes arrests for DWI, slashing a passenger with a boxcutter and punching another driver in the head during a traffic jam. / "A Message from the New York Taxi & Limousine Commission" / video:

"Ramez Akladious has had his taxi license revoked, yet he is still out there picking up passengers. So if you see a car in New York City that looks like this..." (picture of a yellow taxicab) "...do not get in. 'A Message from the New York Taxi & Limousine Commission.' "

"Hillary held a bilateral meeting with Minister for Foreign Affairs of Ireland, and met with environmental ambassadors from several countries, while Bill was in Cancun, Mexico, where he drank tequila poured down an ice luge by a hot bartender named Consuela. This has been 'This Day in the Clinton Marriage.' "

(doorbell)

Ruth: "That's the pizza, Bernie. Go pay the man."

Bernie (played by the legendary Pete "Who gives a rat's ass?" Fatovich) goes to the door.

pizza man: "That'll be $12."

Bernie: "I ain't got $12."

pizza man: "We'll you've gotta give me somethin.' "

Bernie: "Hold on."

Soon after, Bernie returns to the apartment door and shoves Ruth out into the hallway.

Bernie: "Here you go!"

Bernie accepts the pizza, looks at the camera with a big smile and says, "Keep the change."

(Cue credits and Love American Style theme song.)

"Ahhh, 212... Len Easton I'm gonna take five with partner McCulloch... we'll eat it and beat it back to Wilshire Station in one hour. Please have squad car ready to run. We've got broken knobs and rats and need wheels." (unintelligible)

3/19/09: REPEAT FROM 1/12/09

3/20/09: REPEAT FROM 2/19/09

3/23/09 [3085]: Barack Obama appeared on 60 Minutes on Sunday, and he seemed a little bit giddy. People wonder if he's taking things seriously. We see the president on 60 Minutes with Steve Kroft. / video:

(The president, with a big smile, is wearing one of those birthday party balloon hats.)

"Oh, no, there's got to be a little gallows humor to get through the thing. You know sometimes my team talks about the fact that if you had said to us a year ago..."

Barack Obama, addressing Congress: "This was the time when we performed, in the words that are carved into this very chamber, something worthy to be remembered."

George W. Bush at one of his forums: stammering something awful

Announce: "This has been 'Teleprompter vs. No Teleprompter.' "

(We see Bernie Madoff — or Pete Fatovich, if you prefer — at home, playing his accordion, and he is interrupted by a knock on the door. It's a UPS delivery man — or Michael Z. McIntee, if you prefer.)

Bernie: "How can I help you?"

UPS Man: "Package for Madoff. Sign here."

Bernie: signs

UPS Man, turning to leave: "Have a nice day."

Bernie: smashing a vase on the man's head: "Yeah... you, too."

Bernie looks up at the camera with his trademark mischievous smile and says, "I just love being an ***hole!"

(Cue credits.)

3/24/09 [3086]: desk chat: AIG received big-time bailout money from the government, and almost at the same time gave million-dollar bonuses to their top brass. / video:

"The American people are outraged by the enormous bonuses showered on AIG executives. It's infuriating to see millions of dollars given to people who caused economic calamity. And, on a similar note, congratulations to George W. Bush, who's getting $7,000,000 for his presidential memoirs. George W. Bush: How do you spell incompetence?"

(We see that worthless bastard, Osama bin Laden, outside his cave.)

Osama: "Dave, way to go on finally getting married. Now be a real man like me, and marry three more. Forget water boarding. That's torture. I'm kidding. Anyway, congratulations to you and the little lady. Oh, and death to America. And watch for a gift from Bloomingdale's."

(The opening montage rolls to the tune of the Benson theme song.)

(We see Bernie and Ruth Madoff side-by-side on the couch, watching the tube. Ruth, of course, is wearing her Trophy Wife T-shirt. The topic on the news channel is the AIG scandal.)

Bernie: "Let's watch something else. Where's the clicker?"

Ruth: (digs around the cushions to look for it): "Why's that darned remote always goin' missing?"

Bernie: "Here. Try my electronic ankle bracelet."

Ruth gives the bracelet a poke, and it works like a charm.

Bernie: (gives a Fonzie thumbs up): "Heyyy!"

(Roll closing credits and the Happy Days theme song.)

(Whoops! I almost forgot to mention that Bernie is played by Pete Fatovich, legendary retired associate director.)

3/25/09 [3087]: ER is in its last season. / video:

Announce: "After 15 seasons, ER is saying goodbye. Watch as several old friends return for one last curtain call."

(We see George Clooney, Anthony Edwards, George Wendt at the Cheers bar, Redd Foxx on Sanford and Son and Leonard Nimoy on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise.)

Announce: "ER: only on NBC."

We see President Barack Obama filling out his NCAA tournament bracket, followed by George W. Bush trying to dribble a basketball on something that makes it drop like a sack of potatoes.

(Roll title clip and the Benson theme song.)

As tonight's program opens, Bernie is relaxing on the couch, reading a newspaper.

Ruth (still in her Trophy Wife T-shirt) hollers: "Bernie, Bernie, get in the shower. My mother will be over for dinner in an hour."

Bernie: "I just called and told her we're going over to her place instead."

Ruth (now hollering in his ear): "But Bernie, you're under house arrest. That means you can't come!"

Bernie: "Oh, darn!"

(Roll credits and the Love American Style theme song.)

3/26/09: REPEAT FROM 3/06/09

3/27/09: REPEAT FROM 2/04/09

3/30/09 [3088]: "Cool/Not Cool" / video:

Barack Obama says, "It took us a couple of days, because I like to know what I'm talking about before I speak."

George W. Bush says, "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi bin al-Shibh or whatever the guy's name was..."

"Mumbo jumbo." "Mumbo jumbo." "Mumbo jumbo... not to say chicken gumbo." "Humpty Dumpty." "Humpty Dumpty." "Humpty's Dumpty." "Rope a dope." "Topsy turvy." "Teeny weeny." "Itty bitty." "Nitty gritty." "Hoity toity." "Helter skelter." "Fuddy duddies." "Holy moley guacamole." "Hodgepodge." "Boogie woogie." "Hocus pocus." "Razzle dazzle." "Super duper." "Hanky panky spanky."

3/31/09 [3089]: The Republican Party is planning a new image. / video:

"The Republicans are tired of being seen as 'The Party of No.' Instead, they want to be known as 'The Party of Yes.' That's right! We're saying 'yes' to everything."

• (picture of Halliburton headquarters) "Shady military contracts for our political donors? Yes!"
• (picture from Guantanamo Bay) "Torturing random people with no regard for the Constitution? Yes!"
• (picture of Senator Larry Craig of Idaho with his pants down) "Gay bathroom sex? Hell yes!"

"The GOP. Looking ahead to 2028."

We see President Obama filling out his NCAA tournament bracket.

Next we see former President George W. Bush dropping a basketball on a surface that won't let it bounce.

Where has March gone? It's time for Mike McIntee to start writing up the month for next Monday's newsletter. The highlight for me was the return of Pete Fatovich for several installments of "At Home with the Madoffs." I thought the latest batch of Jeff Altman's Len Easton police radio reports were the best yet. Dave got married on March 19. I thought it was amusing and ironic that just two days earlier, Dave was hitting on Julia Roberts like there was no tomorrow. Building engineer George Clarke has lost 15.7 pounds in March, as documented in the "Late Show Weight Loss Challenge." Nice work! I loved the Web site video, "A Grizzly Runs Through It," an animated short feature of Dave's bear story narration from 9/22/03.

4/01/09 [3090]: Happy April Fool's Day, everybody. ••• You know that AIG outfit that took all the government money, then gave out hundred-million-dollar bonuses? / video:

"After further deliberation, all top AIG executives who received bonuses have decided to give the money back. It's simply not right to take this money after receiving a taxpayer-funded bailout." (wacky boing noise) "April fools! In fact, none of us are giving the money back. See ya at Club Med, losers! AIG: The Quicker Picker-upper."

4/02/09 [3091]: The series finale of ER was shown tonight. / "ER: The Most Memorable Episodes" / video:

(clips from past episodes)

Announce: "1997's 'Ambush,' which was broadcast live. 2004's 'Time of Death,' which unfolded in real time. 2002's 'Endoscopy,' which took place entirely inside Noah Wile's digestive tract."

Michele, pointing above Dave's ear: "See right here?" (and now speaking to Dave): "Could you just look straight for a second?" (and now addressing Kathy #2): "See right here? You can see where the natural hair ends and the hairpiece begins."

Kathy: "Oh, my God."

Michele: "Up close it's pretty obvious."

Kathy: "I've worked here for 24 years and I've never noticed that."

Michele: "Yeah."

Dave, as the ladies walk offstage: "I... I heard that."

4/03/09 [3092]: Some of the executives at AIG haven't returned their extravagant bonuses, received after the government bailout. / video:

(pictures of skyscrapers and lots of executives in suits)

"AIG executives recognize that in today's political climate, they cannot keep their bonuses. That's why 15 of the top 20 executives are returning the bonus money. The other five executives are not keeping their bonuses, but rather are spending the money on this message to remind Americans to 'suck it.' "

(picture of the AIG logo)

"That's right, suck it!"

Barack Obama: "People keep on asking me, 'Well, what are you reading these days?' Well, mostly briefing books."

George W. Bush (mumbling): "Not only have I read her book, I sat next to her at dinner last night. Uh, we started off, not only did I read her book, I sat next to her at dinner." (or words to that effect)

4/06/09: REPEAT FROM 3/10/09

4/07/09: REPEAT FROM 3/13/09

4/08/09: REPEAT FROM 3/17/09

4/09/09: REPEAT FROM 3/09/09

4/10/09: REPEAT FROM 3/05/09

4/13/09 [3093]: Dave reminds us that his 62nd birthday was yesterday. ••• Dave's fascinated with the story about the Somali pirates vs. the Navy SEALs.

(video of the U. S. cargo ship's Captain Phillips from the Today show)

"Captain Richard Phillips was kidnapped and held captive aboard an enclosed lifeboat off the Somali coast for five days. Phillips was rescued after his captors were fatally shot by two skilled U. S. Navy SEAL snipers and one former vice-president."

(picture of Dick Cheney in full military gear, wielding a sniper rifle)

"Cheney: Still locked and loaded."

4/14/09 [3094]: President Obama's daughters recently got their doggie, Bo, and the news anchors have had fun with the story, which brings us to the latest "Late Show News Recap." / video:

"The Obamas have been literally dogged by questions."

"The question of a First Pup has dogged President Obama."

"President Obama has been dogged, I guess you could say."

"Call it puppy love."

"They call it puppy love."

"Up next... puppy love."

"The buzz... or maybe the bark... in Washington..."

"Are they making a huge, doggone mistake?"

"Well, now that the dog is literally out of the bag..."

"Enough to give one... pause."

"What are people barking about now?"

"Bo will make his public bow... wow... wow..."

"This is how the story that wags a tale, you know?"

"President Obama delighted his two young daughters with a brand new puppy, an adorable Portuguese Water Dog. We here at the Republican Party are wondering what President Obama's objection was to choosing an American Water Dog. Why do you hate America, Mr. President? The Republican Party: We got nothing."

4/15/09 [3095]: Mel Gibson is apparently getting divorced. / video:

"Mel Gibson and his wife are divorcing. The couple would like America to know there are no hard feelings, and it's an amicable split. And while both sides take responsibility, Mel Gibson still blames the Jews. Mel Gibson: Be there."

"Hey kids. This fall Florida International University is the place to be! We've hired Isiah Thomas to coach our basketball team. But that's not all. George W. Bush has been added to the political science department, and Phil Spektor's heading up women's studies. The future looks bright with Bernie Madoff handling the endowment. And if you want to go abroad, kids can now spend a Semester at Sea off the coast of Somalia. When the other schools say 'no,' FIU says 'yes!' "

"Ahh, this is 212, Len Easton. We're in pursuit of a 1984 Buick LeSabre, license 296ABB. Vehicle rolled over spiked strips and is currently running on rims only. We'll try a pit maneuver and spin it around and report. 10-4." (the rest unintelligible, as planned)

Pirate: "Thank you, Dave."

Dave: "Nice meeting you, sir. Thank you very much for being here. Tell us, if you can, in a little encapsulated version, what's it like being a Somali pirate?"

Pirate: "Well, Dave, uh, I went to the Somali doctor the other day. Doctor gave me six months to live. Six months. So then I put a gun to his head and held him hostage. The doctor gave me another six months!"

Anton Fig: rim shot

Dave: "Well, how about that! That's good news... sure."

Pirate: "My Somali doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, 'Cough.'  "

Anton: rim shot

Dave: "Oh, my God. Yeah."

Pirate: "You know, my Somali pirate friends and I were out drinking."

Dave: "Ohhh."

Pirate: "Oh yeah. The United States military rounded us up and brought us in for interrogation. The Army captain said, 'You've been brought here for drinking.' I said, 'OK. Let's get started!'  "

Anton: drums

Dave: "Yeah. Come on."

Pirate: "I've gotta tell ya. I've gotta tell ya. Those houses on our secret island hideouts are small."

Dave: "They're a small house?"

Pirate: "Oh, they're small houses. So small I got home the other night... put my key in the door, and broke the window!"

Anton: rim shot

Dave: "Really. That's nice. You can do better than that, boy."

Pirate: "I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years."

Dave: "Oh, I'm glad to hear that. That's good."

Pirate: "If my Somali pirate wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. Thank you, everybody. Goodnight!"

Dave: "Yeah... I'll bet she will. You know, I've said it a million times. Most people are pretty darn nice if you give them half a chance."

4/16/09 [3096]: The governor of Republic of Texas has suggested that it might become its own country. / video:

"Texas is threatening to secede from the Union. Let's imagine what America would be like without the contributions of Texans. An America without people such as George W. Bush."

(clip of George W. Bush trying to get through a locked door)

"Sounds good to us! A message from the other 49 states."

(announce): "New from Lego®... it's the Somali Pirate Playset™! Build the pirate ship. Raid the unarmed shipping vessel. Hold hostages for ransom. But watch out for the Navy SEALs. Lego Somali Pirate Playset™: Buy one today!"

We're greeted by an old-time wrangler with a gravelly voice. He begins: "One day, oh, 10... maybe 20 years ago, I was punchin' cows down at the old Flyin' D with the Pontoon brothers. One of 'em says to me, 'Hey, B.B., there's a guy up in Manitoba runnin' 40,000 head lookin' for a hand with brandin'. So I says, 'Hey, Curly, is that right?' And Curly says, 'You bet, B.B.' So I hit him hard as I could with a big ol' heavy steel pole, and I killed him. I took his boots and I caught a ride up to Manitoba. And I seen this guy sittin' on his horse, all puffed up like he'd been poisoned, and I says, 'Hey! You'd better uncinch that critter or he's gonna blow.' The guy looked at me like I'm nuts, and I am. And he says, 'OK.' That was '58... '59."

"A couple of years ago when Harry Truman was president, me and some of the boys down at the 4-6s got to thinkin' about runnin' 10,000 head out west to Yuma, just for somethin' to do. So I called up the Donover brothers and asked could they bring up a string of broncs out to show me for the trip. On the way down Gary, the middle boy, falls out of his truck makin' a left turn and kills himself. So when they get to our place they're all like, 'Well, that happened, so now what?' So I told them, 'Just give me them broncs and get out of my way.' Next mornin', me and the boys left at dawn. We got to the river and it was all flooded. So we tied the broncs to a cottonwood and slipped them across. Eighteen drowneded. So we got back to the 4-6 and the old man says, 'How'd you boys get so wet?' "

"Here's a story I like to tell about a deal that went gunny sack on us when we was just outside of Santa Fe workin' rough stock at the old Quarter Circle Rockin' Bar T-6 Lazy Nine Double XL. I had a big ol' stallion by the name of Billy I hit with my truck outside of Flagstaff. Billy had never been rode and lost his teeth, eatin' hand grenades at the old Park City Armory. So this guy Leon says to me, 'Hey, B.B., hows about that 20 dollars you owe me?' And I said, 'That's right. I'll tell you what. I'll let you have Billy and we'll call it square.' So he takes ol' Billy and walks him out to the barn, and Billy starts to scream and holler and blow up and buck. And I call Jimmy from the wagon and he says, 'Hey Jim, take a look at this wreck.' And he laughed great big, and I laughed great big, and then Billy bucks Leon off and stomps him dead!"

4/17/09 [3097]: Barack Obama has a lot of challenges ahead of him. Dave wouldn't give his problems to a monkey on a rock. Here's a list of problems he's facing. / video:

"Earlier this month President Obama traveled to London and Prague in an attempt to restore America's standing with Europe. He then went to Turkey, where he tried to repair America's image in the Muslim world. From here Obama goes to Asia, where he'll concentrate on mending fences with Japan and China. Then it's off to Sydney, where he'll work to improve our fractured relationship with the Australians and the people of Tonga. Finally it's back home, where Obama will call Bush and ask, 'Is there anybody you haven't pissed off?' Barack Obama: This is looking like more than an eight-year job."

4/20/09 [3098]: Barack Obama's gettin' stuff done. He went down to Trinidad. ("Anyone here from Trinidad?" Dave asks. Just as sure as death and taxes, the gents in the horn section all raise their hands.) Anyway, there was a big summit including that evil bastard Hugo Chavez from Venezuela, and Hugo gave the president a book. / bogus CNN video:

(clip from the summit)

"Call it the diplomatic book club. Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez reaches out to President Obama with a handshake and a paperback. In the book, My Life in High Heels, Loni Anderson breaks her silence on men, on motherhood and yes, Burt Reynolds. Suzanne Malveaux, CNN, Trinidad."

female voice-over: "According to a 2005 Justice Department memorandum, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was waterboarded 183 times. Because water can strip the skin of its natural oils, Khalid turns to Neutrogena Ageless Essentials Hydrating Night Cream™."

(doctored photo of the good-for-nothing 911 terrorist applying the product to his tender face, now with sparklies)

"Our patented formula contains time-released moisturizers that keep skin silky smooth all night. Neutrogena Ageless Essentials Hydrating Night Cream™: Death to America, and to dry, flaky skin."

4/21/09 [3099]: President Obama was in Mexico last week. / video:

voice-over: "President Obama was in Mexico City last week. The visit marked the first time in 12 years a United States president has visited the Mexican capital, although in June of 2004, President Bush was told he was there. President Bush: Think outside the bun."

voice-over: "In an interview with Fox News, Dick Cheney joined the ranks of Republicans who are lashing out at Barack Obama for shaking hands with Hugo Chavez. As Cheney pointed out, everyone knows this is how you're supposed to greet a foreign leader."

(clip of Dick Cheney putting his hands on the shoulders of German Chancellor Angela Merkel.)

"Dick Cheney: Still our cutest vice-president."

Gary Mintz: "Hello everyone. I have a very exciting announcement to make. You can now follow the Late Show maintenance department on Twitter. Listen to some sample tweets."

Mike: "Here's a good one, Gary: 'Two hours ago: Head clogged on Beta SP machine. Cleared machine tape particles that had accumulated in the drum assembly.' "

Erik: "How about this one, Mike?: 'Fifteen minutes ago: Using digital frame synchronizer to repair signal of HD scan converter and repair master pedestal to proper level.' 

Gary: "Wow! That was a winner, Erik. Because of tweets like this, we've already amassed over two million followers! Suck on that, Ashton. That's all the time we have for tonight, and remember, as we say in Technical Maintenance..."

all in three in unison: "It ain't broke if we can fix it!"

CBSO: "Late Show Technical Maintenance Minute" theme song

4/22/09 [3100]: "Anybody here ever been waterboarded?" Dave wonders. (A quick check of the horn section answers that silly question: all of 'em!) ••• "Dick, Are You Alright?" / doctored FoxNews video: Dick Cheney seems to be gasping repeatedly. ••• It's Earth Day, and New York City is running announcements. / video:

(scenes of the NYC skyline)

(voice-over): "To celebrate Earth Day and conserve energy, New York City is turning off lights all over the city... in the offices at City Hall... atop the Empire State Building... and at every intersection."

(clip of a traffic light showing red)

(clips of multiple car wrecks)

"Happy Earth Day from New York City!"

4/23/09 [3101]: "Anybody here have 14 children?" Dave wonders. (Al, Bruce and Tom in the horn section all do.) ••• "Anybody here ever been waterboarded?" Dave asks. (The horn section have.) ••• Dick Cheney invented waterboarding, Dave claims, and that nasty terrorist, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, rode the board 183 times. Dave wonders how many times it has to happen before you don't believe you're drowning. ••• "Al-Qaeda Training Video" / video:

(voice-over): "Attention operatives: If you are captured, the infidels will attempt to extract valuable information from you using brutal torture techniques. These include waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and most barbaric of all, telling you they're going to take you to the zoo, and then not taking you. Al-Qaeda: It's all-righta!"

(voice-over): "In today's busy world, going to the video store is a hassle. With Netflix™, you just make a list of the movies you want to see, and you'll get your first DVDs in about one business day. And don't forget to check out Dick Cheney's Netflix™ Picks of the Week: This week Dick recommends Casino Royale, Marathon Man and Lethal Weapon. Thanks, Dick! Netflix™: Sign up today."

Technical director Tim Kennedy says, "We need an answer, people. Let's move!"

A note is passed down the row. Kim Reynolds is there, by the way. A staffer sprints out of the control room and down 53rd St. into a parking garage, whereupon he adds a $100 bill to an envelope, then passes it off to a sinister-looking man in dark clothing. Shecky is called. Someone sends a satellite message. Jay Johnson types something, and hands off to Walter Kim, who calls Dave.

"I'm the one who was asking," Dave growls.

Dave Dorsett interrupts: "Dave! Dave! You had penne ala vodka with steamed spinach, and you loved it!"

4/24/09 [3102]: HBO has a new movie about the 2008 election. / video:

"Two men compete for the highest office in the land. One is a seasoned Senator from Arizona... the other, a young upstart from Illinois. But what happens when lightning strikes the capitol building and the two switch bodies? HBO presents Laurence Fishburne, Tom Bosley and Zach Efron as Sarah Palin in 47 Again. Check your local listings."

Anderson Cooper: "We have some breaking news to report. Michael Keaton broke his foot yesterday rescuing children from a burning orphanage. Details are still sketchy, but apparently fire broke out at St. Bernadette's orphanage last night. Bystanders say that Keaton was walking down the street, saw the flames, rushed inside and led all 12 children to safety. Additionally, Keaton administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and what he described as "pulmonary massage" to bystander and former dancer, 37-year-old Amber St. Clair, after he said she appeared "woozy."

(fade)

4/27/09 [3103]: General Motors is canceling the Pontiac line, as well as shutting down all of its plants for the summer. / video:

(voice-over): "Attention all General Motors assembly plant personnel: Due to low demand and excess inventory, factories will be shut down for nine weeks during the summer; however, the news is not all bad. GM workers may still enter the facilities during business hours to engage in horseplay with the air hose. GM: Getting through this together."

"Because of a $15 million budget shortfall, the Bronx Zoo has to let hundreds of its animals go. But concerned citizens can rest assured that the animals are already acclimating to their new lives."

(clips of a monkey getting into a car, a moose in a swimming pool and a cow chasing a man down a store aisle)

"The Bronx Zoo: Remain in your homes until further notice."

Alan begins: "Summer's coming. Things are heating up at the Late Show. Jennifer Garner, Kiefer Sutherland..."

woman: "Alan."

Alan: "Not while I'm in the zone, Baby. Kiefer Sutherland, Dolly Parton, Jennifer Garner..."

woman: "Alan. Alan. I have something important. I want to introduce you to your son."

Alan: "I don't, uh..., I don't have a son."

red-haired teen boy: "Is... is that you, Pa?"

Alan says of the red-haired boy: "He looks nothing like me. Anyway, it's impossible that I'm the father. For my 18th birthday, my parents gave me a vasectomy."

Dave: "Is that you, Pa? Is that you?"

(with Kathy Mavrikakis)

4/28/09 [3104]: One of the Air Force 747s used as Air Force One was flying around the Statue of Liberty yesterday with F16s in tow, which created panic in New York. Mayor Bloomberg had no idea of the high-dollar photo op. / video:

(female voice-over): "The White House has apologized for sending a presidential jet flying low over New York Harbor, saying the flight was part of a photo shoot to get pictures of the plane over the city skyline. A spokesman said they will refrain from such projects in the future, but it was too late to cancel today's photo shoot of Air Force One driving through Midtown. Jessica Yellin, CNN."

(stately music)

(title frame): "And now, an important swine flu announcement from the Lt. Governor of Iowa."

Iowa Lt. Governor Patty Judge: "Those procedures are in place, and we are following them."

(cough) (more coughs) (hacking coughs... unable to speak)

boy: "Is that you, Pa?"

Alan wants to know if his mother was in The Bangles. He doesn't know. He asks Kathy to get him an internship or a Diet Coke®.

4/29/09 [3105]: LARYNGITIS NIGHT (Dave has major problems with his voice tonight. He switches duties with Tony Mendez for part of the monologue.) ••• Residents of New York City were in a panic on Monday during the low-altitude fly-over of Air Force One. The White House has an apology. / video:

(clip of Air Force One and its F16 escorts)

"The White House apologizes for alarming New York City with Monday's Air Force One fly by. To make it up to the Big Apple, the White House is sending Air Force One back to give each New Yorker one of these. Free steak knives!"

(clip of steak knives dropping from the sky, with their business ends pointed downward)

(audio: teenage girls screaming)

"The White House: When you're here, you're family."

4/30/09 [3106]: The Yankees are in their new stadium, and ticket prices have been high. / video:

(voice-over): "The Yankees understand that times are tough, so we're slashing the prices of our most expensive seats from $2,500 to $1,250. So now a middle class family of four can have a fun day at the ballpark for a reasonable $5,000. The New York Yankees..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Food not included."

(clip of the fly-over)

"Air Force One's alarming New York City fly-over was such a hit, we're adding more dates. That's right! Air Force One will be buzzing your town at a frighteningly low altitude. Make plans now to witness this once-in-a-lifetime example of government stupidity."

(scroll): Akron, Ohio: May 3rd; Boston, Massachusetts: May 4th; Nashville, Tennessee: May 6th; Austin, Texas: May 8th; Madison, Wisconsin: May 9th; Helena, Montana: May 11th; San Diego, California: May 12th; Denver, Colorado: May 14th; Tampa, Florida: May 15th

"The Air Force One Hometown Terror Tour: A Ron Delsner Production."

Senator Specter: "All press inquiries should go to my pet chimpanzee, Ricky."

Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

"One time when I was on a crew movin' cows south of Durango, we'd been out 14... maybe 15 days and Cookie, the ol' boy cookin' our grub, gets all sideways. Then Kenny, the boy who eats bullets, tells Cookie how bad the chow is. So Cookie beats him to death with a rock. Two days later, I was so hungry I ate a tree, and all I could say was, 'Thanks a lot, Kenny.'  "

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

"Fourteen years ago yesterday, I was pullin' fence outside of Cody on the old WW spread. I was ridin' ol' Three Legs. He was a mean horse. I called him Three Legs because he only had three legs. Some kind of explosion or infection or accident or thing like that. So I get on him just as a big ol' rattlesnake crawls up his nose, and I get tossed into Baxter County! Two days later I come to, and Kenny from the Lazy IBM comes by and says, 'Hey, B.B., you get bucked off?' And I says, 'You got that right!' Boy, we laughed about that one!"

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

5/01/09 [3107]: monologue: "I have painful memories of my prom... I had to take the town tramp. Honest to God. But he did say he appreciated the hot meal." ••• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was on This Week with George Stephanopoulos. / video:

George: "Are there preconditions or not? Why not sit down right now with the U. S. and the European powers to discuss the nuclear program?"

Mahmoud: "Before we continue, can I just say you are the cutest thing I have ever seen? Look at you! You're adorable. I just want to put you in a jar and keep you on my desk so I can look at you all day long. Anyway, back to your question. It is my belief that President Obama..."

Obama: "One small step Americans can take would be to keep their tires inflated."

voice-over: "For optimal performance, tires on most cars should be inflated to 32 pounds per square inch. Tires on most vans, light trucks and sport-utility vehicles should be inflated to 36 pounds per square inch. And conservative pundits should be inflated to..." (cut off)

(clip of Rush Limbaugh's face, inflating like a balloon to 42 PSI)

5/04/09 [3108]: As we all know, Dick Cheney had a torture chamber dungeon in the basement of the White House. Anyway, he has recently been critical of Barack Obama. / "Dick Cheney: How'd He Do?" / video:

Dick Cheney: "George W. Bush will repair what has been damaged."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "He will show us that national leaders can be true to their word."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "He will restore decency and integrity to the Oval Office."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "George W. Bush and I, with a united Congress, will save Social Security."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "Our nation has the best health care in the world," ("no" buzzer) "and President Bush is making it more affordable" ("no" buzzer) and accessible to all Americans." ("no" buzzer)

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "There will be no more spreading of fear and panic." ("no" buzzer)

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "The Bush tax cuts are working."

("no" buzzer)

Dick Cheney: "We offer another way," ("no" buzzer) "a better way" ("no" buzzer) "and a stiff dose of truth." ("no" buzzer)

"According to an explosive new book, steroid usage caused A-Rod to develop breasts in 2005. In fact, the breasts grew so large, A-Rod briefly dated himself. A-Rod: 'I think the season's going pretty well.' "

5/05/09 [3109]: Supreme Court Justice Souter is retiring. President Obama is considering Sonia Sotomayor, a U. S. Court of Appeals judge. / "Sonia Sotomayor: A Closer Look" / video: We see a clip of a female judge on a Mexican People's Court-type program, with pandemonium in the courtroom. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Small Town News" ••• interruption: In honor of Cinco de Mayo, a mariachi band appears behind Dave for a mini-concert. ••• Liev Schreiber plugs X Men Origins: Wolverine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "You're a fool if you miss tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Dr. Sanjay Gupta visits with Dave about N1H1, better known as Swine Flu. It looks like most of us are going to survive to watch a few more Late Show episodes! ••• Franz Ferdinand sing.

5/06/09 [3110]: New York subway rates are increasing by 10 percent. / video:

(voice-over): "New York Governor David Paterson reached a deal with lawmakers to raise the fare of one subway ride from $2 to $2.25. With the increase, the MTA promised to provide even better service, longer construction delays, brand new graffiti and that refreshing urine smell you've come to expect. The MTA: Going your way."

(voice-over): "PBS's World War Two - Behind Closed Doors will return in a moment, but first a reminder that quality programs like this are made possible by viewers like you. And if you call now with a $50 donation, you'll receive this handsome Hitler tote bag. Now back to World War Two - Behind Closed Doors."

Andy journeyed to Columbia University, but first we see a visit with Gavin Schmidt of the NASA Goddard Space Center. Then it's off to Columbia U. to interview Stuart Gaffin, George Kukla and Dr. Joseph Romm of the Center for American Progress.

5/07/09 [3111]: cold open: We join Dave and Biff Henderson before the show. Biff wonders what Dave is intently doing with his hands, which are holding nothing. "I'm Twittering," Dave replies. Biff explains that Dave technically needs a computer to Twitter. (Do we capitalize Twitter, or is it now just a verb?) ••• Brett Favre has been switching NFL teams. / video:

(announce): "Hey, football fans... Brett Favre is coming to the Vikings! This is your last chance to see Brett play before he goes to Jacksonville next year. Fans won't want to miss Favre's 2011 stint with the Raiders. Then it's back to the Jets before an emotional reunion in Green Bay. Did someone say Winnepeg? That's right. In 2014, Brett's going to Canada. Then, what the hell, he'll whore out another year with the Jets. Brett Favre: Take it to the bank!"

(clip from one of those episodes)

(picture of Kiefer Sutherland)

(voice-over): "Butt head now."

FX: broken TV screen glass

Joe, nose buried in his tattered little notebook: "Barack Obama is so dumb, when he was governor of Texas, someone asked him what the capital of Texas is, and he said, 'Capital T.' "

Joe: "Barack Obama is so dumb, when he owned the Texas Rangers he picked up a bucket of baseballs and asked, 'Which one of these is a curve ball?' "

Joe: "Barack Obama is so dumb, according to his parents, George and Barbara, he didn't know he was 12 until he was 14."

Dave, irritated, asks if he can have one Obama joke. Joe takes his sweet time, as he wants the new bicycle Dave promised him.

Joe: "Barack Obama is so fat, he left the office of Vice-President in 2001, but his ass didn't leave until 2003."

(announce): "And now, an important Late Show Bulletin. Here's Kathy Mavrikakis."

Kathy: "This is Kathy Mavrikakis with an important Late Show Bulletin. Because of an intern luncheon, this Friday's yoga session has been moved from the 8th floor conference room to the 11th floor conference room. Also, please remember to bring your own yoga mats. We can't be expected to provide mats for everyone. Thank you."

(announce): "This has been a Late Show Bulletin. We now rejoin the Late Show."

5/08/09 [3112]: ••• J. J. Abrams' Star Trek movie opened tonight. / Dave shows us a picture of the Statue of Liberty, now with pointy ears. ••• interruption: Tony Mendez is missing the intro card for Act 1. Dave scampers over to retrieve the runaway card from Eddie Valk. ••• Vice-President Joe Biden, in response to the nation's worries about swine flu, advised avoiding airplanes, trains and subways. Now that people are going outside more, the Late Show provides other sage advice from the VP. / video:

(scene of civilians frolicking in an ocean)

(voice-over): "As we head into the warmer months, remember that the sun's rays can cause painful sunburn and long-term skin damage. To be safe, between now and October, do not leave your home. A Message from Joe Biden: Time to panic."

(voice-over): "Critics agree. The new Star Trek film is out of this world."

(clips from the movie)

(voice-over): "Kirk, Spock and the rest of the crew go back in time and fight to save mankind from the greatest threat earth has ever faced."

(clip of a cute little piggy)

(voice-over): Star Trek: In theaters now."

5/11/09 [3113]: "A Look Back at the White House Correspondents Dinner" / video: We see clips from episodes of The Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts, with Don Rickles, Marty Allen and Dean Martin (and of course Barack Obama edited in). ••• The space shuttle Atlantis was launched today on a mission to service the Hubble Space Telescope. / video: In a clip from Pad 39 at Kennedy Space Center, we see the water tower for the Sound Suppression Water System launching while Atlantis sets motionless. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Tom Hanks plugs Angels and Demons in multiple segments. ••• Act 5: Tom Hanks fooling around on the floor ••• The Killers sing.

5/12/09 [3114]: Dave and the CBSO have collaborated for a new running gag. When Dave mentions Dick Cheney's subterranean dungeon in the White House, Paul plays a few notes of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," followed by a blood curdling scream performed by the Late Show's own Will Lee. ••• President Obama did well at the White House correspondents dinner the other day, so we've put together a new segment, "Presidents Who Made Us Laugh" / video:

(Calvin Coolidge, 1923): "My wife is so ugly, she got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

(clips): Star Trek 1996 vs. Star Trek 2009

Ocean's Eleven 1960 vs. Ocean's Eleven 2001

Citizen Kane 1941 vs. Citizen Kane (All-Monkey Version), 1952

(As always, the monkey was really a chimpanzee.)

(Dwight Eisenhower, in 1959, with a paper bag over his head like The Unknown Comic): "I just flew in from Las Vegas. I got airsick and nobody knew."

Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

Bob: "One time me and Rodney K. Limpcat and his brother Rodney was working on the Triple A south of Birk Burnett. Rodney says to me, "Hey, Bob, can you bust a bronc without pants? So I says, 'Yeah, I believe I can.' So I get that old bronc ain't never been rode, named Stomp Your Guts Out. So we brung him into the round pen, and just as I was gettin' my pants off, that old horse goes nuts and stomps Rodney and his brother flat. So I buckled back up and started screamin' for help. But everybody's dead!"

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

Biff: "Did you come on the show because you wanted to, or because of a contractual obligation to promote your film?

Tom: "Contractual obligation."

Biff: "How would you describe Dave's handshake?"

Tom: "Uh, uh... Kinda greasy... sweaty... It's kinda like handling lunchmeat."

Biff: "Where would you rank Dave's interviewing skills in comparison to other talk show hosts?"

Tom: "Better than Chevy. Not as good as Merv."

Biff: "Would you enjoy a future visit more if Dave had a mustache?"

Tom: "No."

Biff: "Who played Kate in the 1980s television series, Kate & Allie?"

Tom: "Jane Curtin. No. No no no no no... Susan Saint James!"

Biff: "Oh, I'll give it to you. Would you like to be added to our mailing list for the chance to win a Dynex 15-inch flat-screen TV?"

Tom: "Uhh... yeah. I've always wanted a flat-screen TV. Sure."

Biff: "Are you hungry?" (Biff offers Tom a sandwich.)

Tom: "Oh. Sorta."

Biff: "Great, Mr. Hanks! Thanks for your time."

5/13/09 [3115]: NASA has had a very successful mission, as astronauts on the shuttle Atlantis repaired the Hubble Space Telescope. / video:

(phone ring)

Support: "Good morning. Hubble Technical Support. How can I help you?"

Astronaut: "Roger, Tech Support. I'm at the telescope and attempting..."

Support, interrupting: "Sir, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a moment."

(elevator music)

Voice: "Your call is very important to us. Please remain on the line."

Astronaut: "Forget it."

(We see the pope in what appears to be Saudi Arabia.)

(voice-over): "While His Holiness is away on his trip to the Middle East, rest assured that the Vatican is in good hands. Pope Benedict has hired an experienced Vice Pope."

(picture of Dick Cheney with a Pope hat)

(voice-over): "Vice Pope Cheney: Let's waterboard some heretics!"

(scene: Star Fleet Officer's Club / Earth / Stardate 2248.42)

Biff is seen trying to recruit the future Captain Kirk to Star Fleet when our pal Dave joins the cameo, wondering if Kirk is Chewbacca.

5/14/09 [3116]: DAVECON 2009: This episode log entry is written by me as an audience member, as well as the on-air happenings. All my friends agreed that it was a great episode, and I can report that there was so much fun that it ran 11 minutes long. A taped installment of "Cool/Not Cool" was aired on May 18 (the next episode taped). Bits and pieces were clipped from Kid Scientists. I believe that part of the monologue must have been edited, too, along with Alan Kalter's usual Big Show Highlights. The Act 5 Audience Pan wasn't even done, as by then it was clear that time was running out. ••• We begin with a reprise of the new running gag. When Dave mentions Dick Cheney's subterranean dungeon in the White House, Paul plays a few notes of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," followed by a blood curdling scream performed by the Late Show's own Will Lee. ••• Tom Hanks' Angels and Demons opens this weekend. / video:

(Tom Hanks' character, Robert Langdon, appears to be in an ancient ruin of some sort, inspecting the area with a flashlight. He brushes dust off something.)

Tom: "O. R. Is it an ancient artifact, belonging to the Order of the Illuminati?"

(He delicately brushes some more.)

Tom: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. These are Oreos®! Man... these are delicious!"

5/15/09 [3117]: Star Trek is doing great business. Here are some famous lines from the series. / video:

Mr. Spock: "Live long and prosper."

Dr. Leonard McCoy: "Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a magician."

Captain Kirk: "Scotty, you forgot to beam up my pants."

(voice-over): "We here at Friday's® take it very seriously when one of our customers finds a snake in their food. That's why we're pleased to announce that each table now comes with a vial of venomous snake antidote. Furthermore, we'll gladly provide you with a blunt instrument to help you fight off any snakes that happen to approach your table. And should you die from a snake bit at any of our locations, Friday's® will cater your funeral... free! T.G.I. Friday's®: Home to seven of the 10 deadliest snakes in the world."

5/18/09 [3118]: "Cool / Not Cool" (This segment was edited out of the Thursday, May 14 episode, which ran 11 minutes long.) / video: We see a clip of Barack Obama giving the Arizona State University commencement speech on May 13, followed by George W. Bush doing a chest bump with a cadet at the Air Force Academy graduation on May 28, 2008. ••• We have a promo for Angels and Demons. / video:

(We see a clip with Tom Hanks.)

(voice-over): "He exposed one of the greatest cover-ups in human history. Now the Vatican has turned to him to stop a threat 500 years in the making. Tom Hanks is Professor Robert Langdon, and Tom provides all the film's sound effects."

(picture-in-picture of Tom): pretending to sneeze

(voice-over): "Angels and Demons: Now playing."

Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

"I remember one time, heck, must have been 12 years ago, a fella comes into town and starts spendin' like nobody's business. He bought some boots... bought a shirt... bought himself a hat. And he comes out of the store and says, 'What do you think?' And I said, 'Not bad.' Just then a bus blowed up, and it killed him."

Alan Kalter: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

5/19/09 [3119]: "Why Are Old Republicans So Happy?" / video:

(picture of a geezer)

(voice-over): "Because they'll soon be dead, while others are dealing with the problems caused by old Republicans."

(voice-over): "The government has issued new mileage standards that will require all cars to get 35.5 miles per gallon by 2016. But thanks to the innovative engineers at Chrysler, you can surpass those standards today in the new Dodge Downhill™. Whether you're rolling down the hills of San Francisco or just cruising down the Rockies, our engineless technology will keep you moving with no fuel or emissions... guaranteed. Chrysler: We build excitement."

5/20/09 [3120]: A 47,000,000-year-old fossilized woman, Ida, has been found. / video:

(voice-over): "Scientists have discovered a 47,000,000-year-old fossil that is believed to be the missing link in human evolution. What are the features that make it unique? The talis bone in her ankle, the presence of fingernails and the fact that the creature was wearing a fanny pack. Ida: Good Lord, Law & Order's still on the air?"

(voice-over): "Good news, New Yorkers! This summer, sections of Broadway and Times Square and Herald Square will be converted to open air, pedestrian plazas. However, to preserve efficient traffic flow, vehicles will now be permitted to drive on sidewalks. A message from New York City. Heads up!"

5/21/09 [3121]: "Dick Cheney: Swine Flu?" / video: We see our former vice-president giving a speech. He begins, "In a few cases this information could be gained only through tough interrogation." He then begins a nasty cough after every sentence or two. Yes... it's swine flu, and he's got it bad. ••• NASA has been working for some time on urine purification in order to recycle water for the international space station, and now it seems they have everything in order. / video:

We see exclusive footage of Late Show writer Joe Grossman as a NASA engineer or astronaut or something. He's in front of a green screen that makes him look like he's onboard the space station. Joe is standing next to what looks like an audio mixing board with a sign that says "Urine Purifier." Our friend Joe takes a long drink from a metal thermos-looking vessel. Showing a bit of a puzzled look, he checks behind the Urine Purifier, only to find a heavy duty extension cord.

Joe: "Forgot to plug it in. Still urine."

We see a one shot of Dave at his desk, conducting an interview. He begins, "And you worked in, uh, you did some theater. What I don't know... every night it's the same thing..."

(two shot that shows a Terminator robot in the guest chair)

Dave continues: "and if you hear people yakking in the, uh..."

The Terminator robot has had enough. It looks toward Dave and blasts him to oblivion with its disintegrator beam. All we see is Dave's chair, spinning... No more Late Show with David Letterman, I guess.

5/22/09 [3122]: monologue: Dave gets after Tony Mendez for sticking his gum on Dave Dorsett's camera. ••• Hillary Clinton was commencement speaker at Barnard College today. / "Celebrity Commencement Speakers" / video:

We see Oprah at Duke, Vice-President Joe Biden at Syracuse and... well, we can't quite see Tom Cruise, who is peeking over the lectern at Oberlin College.

(voice-over): "Due to public outcry, China has halted construction on a sex-oriented theme park called Love Land. And while they've already torn down all the erotic exhibits, they will continue to operate the bleak, desolate, sexless ruin under the name of Marriage Land. Marriage Land: The happiest place on earth."

5/25/09: REPEAT FROM 4/22/09

5/26/09: REPEAT FROM 4/17/09

5/27/09: REPEAT FROM 4/23/09

5/28/09: REPEAT FROM 5/11/09

5/29/09: REPEAT FROM 5/13/09

6/01/09 [3123]: FIRST NIGHT COMPETING AGAINST CONAN O'BRIEN ••• Dave begins the monologue with, "Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Hi, and welcome to the Late Show. I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor!" (Dave, for the first time in who-knows-how-long, is wearing his old hosting outfit of a navy blue jacket and khaki pants.) ••• "President Bush's Address to the Canadian People" / video: The president speaks in Spanish. ••• "Sonia Sotomayor Pronunciation Roundup" / video: Various news anchors weigh in with their botched versions of her name, including a first name of Sandra. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: A couple of years ago, Dave began work on a tree house for Harry. Eventually father and son spent a night together in the house. Now it's been infested with carpenter ants. ••• desk chat: Dave shows an ad for the show in the New York Times: "ONLY ONE DAVE. ONLY CBS." ••• desk chat: Dave does his Leno voice impression, mentions Conan's first night on the Tonight Show, and reminds us, as he did in 1993, that he killed a guy. ••• Tensions around the world are increasing. Kim Jong Il watches the program. / video: "The Late Show's Warning to North Korea": Dave says, "Hey... knock it off." ••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Sonia Sotomayor ••• desk chat: Dave shows a Daily News headline, "Dave Letterman attacked by carpenter ants." ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up, sitting on a stool. / interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• 2009 Indianapolis 500 winner, Helio Castroneves ••• Melody Gardot sings.

6/02/09 [3124]: monologue: "Right about now, my mom is watching the Tonight Show, screaming, 'Where's Leno?' " ••• "An Excerpt fom the New Bob Woodward Book About the Obama Administration" / video:

(voice-over): "On January 20, 2009, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. That's all I have so far. This has been 'An Excerpt fom the New Bob Woodward Book About the Obama Administration.' "

(peppy The Facts of Life theme song)

(credit clips from various 70s comedy shows, with the Obama family edited in)

(graphics and background music)

(voice-over): "And now, 'The Late Show's Warning to GM.' "

(Dave, at his desk): "Hey, boys, quit screwin' around."

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Late Show's Warning to GM.' "

(voice-over): "Summer is almost here, and it's gonna be a scorcher, because the Late Show is bigger, better and hotter than ever. We've boosted the picture contrast for optimal gain in red, green and blue signals, added more than three new fonts to our onscreen character generator, and made the show 10 percent louder. And just when you thought the show couldn't get any better... we've installed a state-of-the-art paper towel dispenser in the seventh floor men's room. The Late Show 2009: It's too hot to sleep!"

6/03/09 [3125]: another Tonight Show monologue joke: Dave's mother, Dorothy, reportedly asked, "David, why did Jay dye his hair orange?" ••• "North Korean Line of Succession" / video:

(voice-over): "The current leader of North Korea is Kim Jong-Il. He is to be succeeded by his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. And if he doesn't work out, there's always Kim Jong-Wayans. That is the North Korean line of succession."

(voice-over): "There are many perks of working at the White House, including free apples to promote healthy living. And, to ease the stress of their high-pressure jobs, staffers also help themselves to complimentary Vicodin. We'll be back with 'Inside the Obama White House,' after these messages."

(voice-over): "This is the Oval Office, where President Eisenhower spends most of his working day. This is the White House lawn, where President Eisenhower enjoys practicing his golf swing. And this is the pogo stick Ike uses to get around the White House. Oh... here comes the President now."

(bogus clip of the President bouncing through the Oval Office on a pogo stick)

"This has been 'Inside the Eisenhower White House,' brought to you by Moxie Cola®. As the Splendid Splinter says,

(picture of Ted Williams)

'Make mine Moxie.' "

A smiling Dave says, "Coming up next on Action News, fireworks in a New Jersey courtroom, as a kangaroo and his owner get in a dispute over a winning lottery ticket. This case promises to cause a "lotto" headaches before it's over. Also, can rectangular food really make you thin? A doctor in Utah thinks so, and that's got local apple growers seeing red."

(Top Ten opening graphics)

(clips of Dave at work)

(voice-over): "David Letterman: Revered American broadcaster. Legendary television host. Now this comedy icon has been honored with his own commemorative coin from the Muncie Mint. Struck from a gold-colored metallic alloy, this handsome collectible lets family and friends know you enjoy collectibles."

(photo of thrilled collectors)

"Each David Letterman coin comes in an elegant display case, with a certificate of authenticity signed by a famous commemorative coin authenticator. Best of all, since it's the same size and weight as a quarter, in an emergency the David Letterman coin could help you do laundry or use a pay phone. Just six installments of $14.95. Order today."

6/04/09 [3126]: cold open: We see Jude Brennan and Dave in his dressing room.

Jude: "This is so sad. First there was fame and worldwide acclaim, and now a nervous breakdown... reduced to a sad, babbling mess."

Dave, chomping on gum, amused: "I know what this is. This is one of those things where we're supposed to think you're reading here about Susan Boyle, but you're actually talkin' about me. Right?"

Jude: "Yeah."

Dave, giggling: "I love that stuff. That's good. Do it again!"

(Roll opening theme.)

6/05/09 [3127]: Ticket prices are sky high in the new Yankee Stadium. / video:

(voice-over): "The Yankees admit that $2,500 may have been too expensive for some fans, so we slashed those prices to $1,250. But some New Yorkers have complained that even that is still too high. So the Yankees are proud to announce an inexpensive deal that no fan can refuse. It's our Away-Game Package. Yankee Stadium tickets on nights when the Yankees are on the road are a mere $800 a seat. We'll even let you bring in a radio, so you can listen to the game. The New York Yankees: When it comes to free agent busts, we're a dynasty."

(clip: Barack Obama breaking in a pool game)

(clip: George W. Bush missing badly in some kind of floor game)

6/08/09 [3128]: George and Laura Bush have a new home outside of Dallas. Laura gave a tour of their home on Good Morning America today. / video: Strolling through the back yard, Laura's questioned about a sculpture by a renowned artist. It's of Dick Cheney nekkid! ••• Life magazine has found a set of never-seen photos of Adolph Hitler, along with home movies of Adolph as a boy. / video: It's a clip from The Little Rascals. Alfalfa, singing badly in front of his class, has an FX mustache added by our friends at the Late Show. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave believes that you have to know when to get a facelift. If you wait too long to get it, "you'll spend the rest of your life looking like a frightened ferret," he warns. When Michele O'Callaghan puts on the make-up these days, there's too much moving around. Also, Dave wants to lose about five pounds. He's tried the Dr. Lou diet, and Dr. Lou told Dave he can try another snack besides cookies. He suggests grapes... 1/3 of a cup, for example. Dave got out a measuring thing, all set to go along with Lou's advice. How many grapes are in 1/3 of a cup? "Seven," Dave screams. ••• Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's Trip to New York ••• desk chat: Dave wants to recognize the fine young college men and women who have been interns for the show over the past three months. / video: We're treated to an action movie starring Mr. Bruce Willis, and featuring the interns, along with Sarah Billington, Talent Coordinator; Kim Richards, Assistant to Jerry Foley; and Rick Scheckman, Film Coordinator. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Howard Stern ••• Mos Def sing.

6/09/09 [3129]: Gov. Sarah Palin has been accused of plagiarizing a speech, and it's not the first time she's borrowed words. / video:

(image and a crackly audio recording from Calvin Coolidge's 1925 inauguration speech): "I stand before you not as a politician, but as a simple hockey mom who has loved this country since I was a little girl. So tonight the high heels go on, and the gloves come off. Goodnight America. I love you, Todd."

(CNN footage): A woman is ripped off a beach by a water sport gadget of some kind.

(Dave): "We were talkin' about hickory nuts, and hickory nuts are very tough to break open. And, so, the discussion was 'how do you bust open hickory nuts?' And a person said (this was at dinner... we were all chatting away), a woman, a nice woman said well, 'My dad...' (they were so hard to bust open... the hickory nuts) '...would go down to the basement and he would put his nuts on an anvil and hit 'em with a hammer.' "

6/10/09 [3130]: "Fox Business Channel On It!" / video:

(dramatic intro music)

(gorgeous reporter Nicole Petallides): "We'll be watching both AT&T and Apple."

(anchor Liz Claman): "Define that, please."

(gorgeous reporter Nicole Petallides, puzzled): "Me?"

(anchor Liz Claman): "OK. Thank you very much, Nicole Petallides. We've got some breaking news. The Supreme Court has issued a stay for Chrysler. Let's go to Tracy Burns. She's got all the news. Tracy?"

(anchor Tracy Burns): "Actually, Liz, I think you want to jump up to Robert for this, 'cause I've got your seven lates."

(anchor Liz Claman): "Robert Gray, go ahead."

(Robert Gray, looking down, reading): "Uh, you know, Liz, I'm trying to get a hold of this myself. Uh, just jumping on this... some breaking news, guys, um. I don't have it, Liz. I'm going to have to send it back down to you, I'm afraid."

(dramatic music)

6/11/09 [3131]: ••• monologue: "Well, it's been a busy week here at the Late Show. Earlier in the week I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin, and uh, I was tellin' jokes about her family and stuff, and she got really upset. I think everything's fine now. I think everything's gonna be great, because she called today and invited to take me hunting." ••• Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her leg at LaGuardia. She seems to be cursed. / video: We see Sonia in a jungle, on one of those rope bridges. She falls off the thing into a stream, and sure enough, she breaks her collarbone. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The Picasso Museum in Paris had a theft. The museum has broadcast an appeal for help. / video:

(voice-over): "The Picasso Museum regrets to announce the theft of a valuable notebook containing drawings by Pablo Picasso."

(picture of an old notebook)

"Museum curators have released this sketch of the suspect."

(distorted Picasso painting of a man)

(voice-over): "If you spot him, contact the police at once. The Picasso Museum. What's in your wallet?"

(voice-over): "The Taking of Pelham 123 is the most exciting film of the summer. See what happens when criminals highjack a New York City subway. Starring John Travolta, Denzel Washington and David Letterman as the old guy who's too scared to do anything."

(clip of a criminal, Dave and Jude Brennan as Mrs. Letterman, side-by-side on a subway)

(criminal): "You don't mind if we dance with your wife, do you, Grandpa?"

(Jude): "Are you just going to sit there and do nothing, you worm?"

(Dave, grinning sheepishly): "Actually, I'm too scared to do anything, really. Go ahead and dance with her."

(voice-over): "The Taking of Pelham 123..."

(Dave): "Go ahead and dance with her."

(voice-over): "opens Friday."

(Alan Kalter): "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

(old timer): "Is anybody here old enough to remember the Hopteelman brothers? Well then you remember how good they was at bustin' broncs. So one day we was waitin' for a dust storm to blow through. This is way down on the old Flyin' Connie. So Vern Jumbers dares the Hopteelman brothers to chase Curly, the biggest horse I ever saw, into town with a D-8. John, the dumb one, was all wound up wantin' to go hot beanin' into town, and everybody's kinda warmed up. Finally I pulled out my 30-06 and let a little lead fly. And I says, 'Maybe that ain't such a good idea.' That's a true story."

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

(Thanks to Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette for the spelling of Hopteelman. That's not a common family name in my neck of the woods.)

6/12/09 [3132]: Apple Computer gadgets have moved the computer world to the next incarnation. / video:

(voice-over): "Apple has changed the rules again. Introducing the iThing™. We're not even sure what it does, but it's compact, cool-looking, and it's $249. Or choose the ultra-portable iThing Nano™ for just $199. Apple: When you care enough to send the very best."

(voice-over): "They're the men nobody wants. 245 detainees not yet convicted of terrorist crimes, but too dangerous to release. So what can America do with them? Move them in with a pair of bickering parents on John & Kate Plus 245! What happens when Kate catches Marghoob ordering howitzer components online? Or when Ubaydullah asks Jon about the birds and the bees? And what is to be done with those incorrigible Akbari triplets? Jon & Kate Plus 245: Tuesdays after Cake Bake on TLC."

(voice-over): "The Metropolitan Transit Authority wishes to assure riders that the frightening scenario of The Taking of Pelham 123 is completely fictional. However, in the event of an actual hostage situation, surviving passengers will receive a complimentary $14 Metro Card. The MTA: Going your way."

6/15/09 [3133]: desk chat: Dave offers a second apology to Sarah Palin and her family for a couple of recent jokes that they were whining about. ••• Top Ten Messages on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Answering Machine ••• Jack Black plugs Year One. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." and "Alan Kalter's 'What's Up?' " ••• The World Health Organization has raised H1N1 to Phase 6. / "Late Show Stagehands Discuss the Pandemic" (with Pat Farmer and Harold Larkin) ••• Dr. M. A. Sanjayan of The Nature Conservancy discusses topics such as climate change.

6/16/09 [3134]: cold open / Jude Brennan with Dave in his dressing room:

Jude: "CBS would like to apologize in advance to everyone Dave insults tonight. He means well, but he's just an idiot."

Dave, grinning: "True."

(voice-over): "The switchover from analog to digital television signals." (June 12, 2009), "The first coast-to-coast color television broadcast." (January 1, 1954), "The debut of Mustache-Vision." (July 15, 1979 - Jimmy Carter with an FX mustache) "This has been 'Milestones in Television History.' "

6/17/09 [3135]: President Obama was being interviewed yesterday when an annoying fly kept coming by. / video: The quick-handed president nabs it. / Tragically, another fly (approx. 1,000 times larger) swoops by and flies away with Obama. ••• New York City has recently been named the current #1 city for road rage. / video:

(voice-over): "According to the 2009 Auto Vantage road rage survey, New York has overtaken Miami, and is now the U. S. city with the angriest and most aggressive drivers."

(clips of crash scenes)

"We've worked long and hard for this, New York, and it's an achievement we can all be proud of. Congratulations everybody! A message from Mayor Bloomberger."

6/18/09 [3136]: Guantanamo Bay may be closed down. Where will the terrorists go? / video:

(voice-over): "They're the men nobody wants. 245 detainees not yet convicted of terrorist crimes, but too dangerous to release. So what can America do with them? Move them in with a pair of bickering parents on John & Kate Plus 245! What happens when Kate catches Marghoob ordering howitzer components online? Or when Ubaydullah asks Jon about the birds and the bees? And what is to be done with those incorrigible Akbari triplets? Jon & Kate Plus 245: Tuesdays after Cake Bake on TLC."

(clips of people outside in the summer)

(voice-over): "Summer heat is here. Be sure to drink enough fluids, and protect your skin from the sun's rays. Now it's easy to do both, with Pepsi Block™... delicious Pepsi taste with an SPF of 50. Drink it up. Rub it in. Pepsi Block™: Refresh everything."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "The FDA has not yet approved this product."

6/19/09 [3137]: There's more television digital switchover to come. / video:

(voice-over): "The final transition to digital television has taken place with minimal disruption. Further digital upgrades are coming. Be aware that as of August 1st, you will need a digital convertor for your telegraph key. This means

• greater reliability
• more interactivity, and
• futuristic-sounding beeps.

Make sure you can still send word of railway accidents and stagecoach robberies. Telegraph the Federal Telegraph Bureau for your convertor box coupon today. The Federal Telegraph Bureau: dot dot dash dot dash dot dot."

(voice-over): "Mayor Bloomberg's plan to close Broadway to traffic has been a rousing success, replacing noisy, congested traffic with lawn furniture and parking spaces. So keep an eye out for more improvements in the near future, as we convert the city's bridges into dog runs, the subway tracks into swimming pools and the Lincoln Tunnel into the world's longest Outback Steakhouse™. New York City: Going down the toilet in style."

Dave: "Hello, Mayor Bloomberg. Thanks for speaking with us here tonight."

Bloomberg: "My pleasure, Greaseman, and here's a shout out to all your listeners here in the Windy City."

Dave: Right. Right. That... that's... you know, it's Dave, and uh, we're in New York City, Mayor, and thanks anyway."

Bloomberg: "I'm glad you asked, Greaseman. The closing of Broadway has been an overwhelming success... finally solving the city's crisis of where to store our surplus of chairs."

Dave: "Right. Right."

Bloomberg: "And have you tried our naked yoga park on 49th and Broadway?"

Dave: "Well, yeah... no, I wasn't aware there was naked yoga..."

Bloomberg: (hangs up)

Dave: "Mayor? Mayor?"

(Len): "Uh, 10-12 Len Easton. I just spun it around and turned back to previous location. Drunken party at Montebello."

(unknown citizen, who sounds like Dave): "Ohhh... someone barfed!"

(Len): "Uhhh. We need a street sweeper. Partner Larry appears green and nauseous."

(unintelligible)

(Len): "It's a 10-4 on the cold compress. 19 out."

Alan: "There are a wide variety of chemicals on the market to help you keep your swimming pool clean and attractive. Well, tonight I'm reviewing Bioguard Chlorinating Granules®."

(Alan digs into the opened tub of white granules, and stuffs his face with and handful.)

Alan (speaking with his mouth full): "Mmmm. Now that's chlorine!"

Dave: "I don't think he should be doing that."

6/22/09 [3138]: Jon and Kate (whoever they are) made a big announcement earlier tonight. / video from The Learning Channel:

(voice-over): "And now, Jon and Kate make an announcement that will change their lives forever."

(We see the couple seated on a couch, speaking. It's impossible to hear a word they're saying, thanks to a roomful of screaming kids.)

(voice-over): "Stay tuned for Cake Boss."

6/23/09 [3139]: Jon and Kate (whoever they are) announced their divorce yesterday. / video:

(voice-over): "Last night Jon and Kate made the shocking announcement that they had decided to end their marriage. But Jon and Kate insist the show must go on, so this fall don't miss Jon & Kate Plus Eight - Jon + Ira the Divorce Lawyer + Steve, Kate's Creepy Security Guard Boyfriend + the Walgreen's Cashier Jon's Been Seeing on the Side."

6/24/09 [3140]: monologue: It's gay pride week in New York City. / outside cam: The Statue of Liberty is dressed in a flannel shirt and hiking boots. ••• Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, was unexplainably gone for four days. He claimed he was in South America, hiking, etc. / video:

(voice-over): "The citizens of South Carolina are relieved that Governor Mark Sanford is safe after being missing for four days. Also, millions of citizens across the country are relieved that George W. Bush has been missing for five months. A message from people."

(voice-over): "Bernie Madoff regrets the financial fraud which has hurt so many. However, the proposed sentence of 150 years is excessive. Mr. Madoff suggests a prison term of 12 years. For a full explanation of why the shorter sentence is appropriate, send $1,000 to: Madoff Explanation, P.O. Box 770, New York, New York 10145. Cash only, please. Bernie Madoff: Change we can believe in."

(We see the governor at a podium for a press conference.)

(Sanford): "OK. Ya'll ready? Everybody ready? Umm. I won't begin at any particular spot."

6/25/09 [3141]: monologue: It's gay pride week in New York City. The Statue of Liberty is holding a mojito. ••• "Governor Mark Sanford Press Conference Recap" / video:

Sanford: "The bottom line is this. I, um..." "Umm... uhhh." "Umm, I, I..." "What we're tryin' to do is, um..." "Umm..." "I, uhhh." "Umm..." "I, umm..." "Uhhh..." "I, I..." "The, uhh..." "And, uh..." "How, how, how, do you...?" "Where's Gina?" "Somebody want to help me here?"

A tearful Terrell says, "It's really unfair. He's my teammate." (sniff) "He's my quarterback."

6/26/09 [3142]: A gorilla who resides in the Calgary Zoo pulled a knife on another gorilla. / video:

(voice-over): "Onlookers at the Calgary Zoo were shocked last week when one Western Lowland Gorilla picked up a knife and pointed it at another. Even more troubling than the incident itself, however, was how 911 handled the emergency call."

(clip of a chimpanzee answering a telephone)

(young woman's voice on phone): "Help! I'm at the Calgary Zoo. A gorilla has a knife!"

(back to the chimpanzee on the phone): The "monkey" makes that vibrating lips noise that chimpanzees like to do.

(voice-over): "We apologize, and promise this won't happen again. A message from the International Monkey Alliance."

(photo of God, pointing at something or other)

(voice-over): "Sick of all this rain? Well, God would like to say, 'It's gonna keep raining until you stop putting these idiots on the covers of Us Weekly.' "

(photos of US covers with Jon & Kate, naughty people having affairs, etc.)

(voice-over): "God: Appearing this Saturday at Harrah's Casino."

Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson."

Bob: "Here's another story I think you're all gonna enjoy. This one happened when I was workin' on the El Fuego Fuego place just outside of Yuma with the Ronteen brothers, Bob, Ellie and Jennifer. We was lookin' for strays up in the Cahuenga Pass. So I says, 'Anybody here ever been stuck by lightnin?' And before anybody says somethin', Bob topples off his horse screamin', 'My appendix is gonna bust!' Well, we put him in the truck and drive 600 miles up to Salt Lake, but when we got there, he was dead."

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob "B.B." Boberson. We'll be right back."

6/29/09: REPEAT FROM 6/03/09

6/30/09: REPEAT FROM 4/02/09

7/01/09: REPEAT FROM 6/11/09

7/02/09: REPEAT FROM 6/12/09

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.