1/03/12 [3603]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a drunk guy from British Columbia. ••• It's Dave's first impression of 2012! (He calls it a reenactment.) He takes a few moments to adjust his clothing, touch up his hair and prepare himself mentally to portray himself. He turns to face his audience, and in his best dumb guy voice delivers the line, "Uhhh... one senior for We Bought a Zoo, please." ••• It's the first telecast of 2011, and time for Dave's new year's resolutions. He claims he normally doesn't do this, but he did so one year ago today. Here we go:

1. I'm going to begin grooming my son to be my successor.
2. I would love to have a gallery showing of my clown paintings.
3. I am going to speak up more at my book club.
4. I'm gonna get myself a new yoga mat.
5. Bring home a competitive eating trophy.
6. At my next Scientology seminar, I'm gonna introduce myself to Tom Cruise.

(title graphic and "Breaking Now" intro music)

(KGO ABC 7 San Francisco reporter): "Is it easy to coax a monkey into a backpack?"

(Jill Andrews, San Francisco Zoo employee): "I would venture to say that it is not."

(title graphic)

(Dave): "Maybe you know about this. Aretha Franklin is getting married to her longtime friend, William "Willie" Wilkerson."

(Alan, screaming, moaning and weeping): "What! My God, no! No, Dave! Why? Why? Oh, come on. Don't... don't do that to me, please! Oh!"

(Dave, to Paul): "You know Willie Wilkerson."

(Dave, to Alan): "Alan. Alan. Excuse me, Alan. What is the problem?"

(Alan): "I'm sorry. Maybe I misheard you. What'd you say?"

(Dave): "I said that Aretha Franklin is getting married to a guy named Willie Wilkerson."

(Alan): "Oh, God, NO!"

(Alan, to camera operator): "Come in. Come in real close and tight. Tight, dammit! Tight!"

(Alan, to Miss Franklin): "Aretha, my darling... You're makin' a mistake. I want you to look me in the eye, and if you tell me you love him more than me, I will walk away."

(Dave): "OK, OK, that's... Three days, and he's already ruined the new year. Thanks. Alright, that's plenty. Thank you."

(clip): Hamburger Helper® ad / family eating dinner

(voice-over): "Looking for an easy dinner the whole family will love? Hamburger Helper® has 40 varieties to turn plain ground beef into a different dish every night! Also, Newt Gingrich is an ass      ."

(photo): Newt

(Hamburger Helper® hand): "Look at that guy!"

(voice-over): "Hamburger Helper®: Forty dishes. All delicious."

(title graphic and trumpet fanfare)

(ABC interviewer, to Paul): "When you lay your head down on the pillow at night, do you see yourself in the Oval Office?"

(Ron Paul): "Not really."

(title graphic)

(The censors blurred out the F in LMFAO.) ••• Will Arnett plugs Up All Night. Dave and Will tag team a tweet to Fallon. ••• desk chat: a tweet to Jimmy Fallon ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan Kalter proudly displays a new shipment of vacuum cleaner bags ••• Lisa Lampanelli ••• Guided by Voices sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/04/12 [3604]: We have a different twist on the audience shout out tonight. Dave announces that he has appointed an audience leader. ••• Pat Farmer and Tommy O'Brien roll out a display of the Iowa presidential caucuses last night. Dave begins to point out something when the screen crashes to the floor and explodes. Oh, well. ••• "Marcus O'Bachmann: Gettin' It Done" / video:

(title graphic and Paul's "It's Raining Men")

(Michele O'Bachmann): "Yesterday, when we were out on Main Street in Des Moines, he was buying doggie sunglasses for our dog, Boomer."

(title graphic and Paul's "It's Raining Men")

(title graphic and "In Tune Today")

(voice-over): "The Iowa Caucus has long been considered one of the most important events in our election process. Congratulations to this year's victor, Mitt Romney, who joins previous winners President Huckabee, President Kerry, President Dole, President Gephardt and two-time winner, President Uncommitted. Mitt Romney: Stoked!"

(title graphic)

1. Dave has to stop tweeting to Jimmy Fallon, because he's on NBC, and it's making the CBS network people sad.

2. Dave got on the eharmony.comancestry.com, where he found out that his great great grandmother lived next door to Hitler.

(Joe comes out in an Elvis black wig, with huge sideburns, a red jumpsuit and cape.)

(Dave): "Hi, Joe. Nice to see you! How're ya doin'?"

(Joe): "I got attacked by a pigeon."

(Dave): "Was that over the weekend you got attacked by a pigeon?"

(Joe): "Yeah."

(Dave): "I'm sorry to hear that. What do you have for us tonight, Joe?"

(Joe, to the audience): "With Mitt Romney eeking out a narrow victory over Rick Santorum in yesterday's Iowa Caucus, attention now turns to New Hampshire primary. If Rick Santorum is able to build on his momentum and finish strong in the Granite State, it could undermine the Romney campaign's claim of inevitability."

(Dave): "Now, Joe, excuse me. I'm gonna stop you right there. You know that you're dressed like Elvis?"

(Joe): "Yes."

(Dave): "Yeah. And, uh, was that in the script?"

(Joe): "No.

(Dave): "Did you write this segment?"

(Joe): "No."

(Dave, smiling): "I think maybe your writer buddies are having some fun with you tonight. "

(Joe): "I think you're probably right."

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah."

(Joe): "May I go?"

(Dave): "Yes, you can go now."

(Joe): exits the stage

1/05/12 [3605]: "Iranian Missile Test" / video from www.presstv.com: We see a highly mountainous area, and hear in a Middle-Eastern accent: "T minus three, two, one." A hand appears onscreen, guiding a toy missile through its launch and descent, complete with sound effects. ••• interruption: The Digital Twins, Jay Johnson and Walter Kim, as EMT dudes, rush in during the monologue.

(Dave): "Oh, my God! What? Hi. Hey. Holy crap!"

(Jay): "Are you Letterman?"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Jay): "Are you OK?"

(Dave): "I'm fine."

(Jay): "Quit playing with your Medic Alert® button, ass      !"

(Dave): "First of all, that's not what I was playin' with. Nice bedside manner, by the way."

(Scene.)

(The Digital Storm Troopers stand by, just offstage, for the remainder of the telecast.)

"How about that Ron Paul? You know Ron Paul? Oh, my God. He... Ron Paul... says now he's really appealing to young people, and you can certainly see why. Nobody's ever seen his wife. You ever think about it... you've never seen his wife? It's because he keeps her in the factory, turnin' out those fish sticks."

(Face the Nation graphic)

(Bob): "Did you ever wonder what the candidates' new year's resolutions are?"

(Mitt Romney): "This coming year, I will endeavor to say thank you more often."

(Ron Paul): "Make sure that when people come to hear me, that I deliver a proper message, and do a better job each time I do it."

(Michele Bachmann): "It's to work very, very hard and win the Iowa Caucus (Late Show "no" buzzer), and then win the New Hampshire Primary (Late Show "no" buzzer), and then win the South Carolina Primary (Late Show "no" buzzer), and then go on to win the Florida Primary (Late Show "no" buzzer). So my resolution is to win primaries next year. And become the nominee."

(graphic): "Way to go, Michele!"

1. Dave complains about having to do his own tweeting. He doesn't know how it works, and can't get anyone to tweet him back. He tweets, "Don't play with your button."

2. He went on match.comancestry.com, and you can find out interesting things. His great great great grandmother lived next door to Argentinian soccer superstar Diego Maradona!

3. There's a woman on the staff who is a homosexual lesbian. (OK, it's executive producer Barbara Gaines.) Gaines needed to hail a cab. When it pulled over, she kissed her wife, Ari, goodbye. When she got in, the cab driver asked, "Are you French?"

1/06/12 [3606]: Dave says welcome to the Late Show clothing drive. It's a shout out to an audience guy who forced a shirt on him. ••• "CNN Slow News Day" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(clip): It's two female anchors gobbling grapes as fast as they can.

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Strategy 12-A: Boobytrapped debate podiums."

(Mitt Romney): "...thousand-dollar discount, if you are an illegal alien, to the University of Texas."

(animation): A mallet rises from the lectern on a scissor jack, then begins conking Governor Romney on the side of his noggin.

(clip): Newt Gingrich observes, amused, at his own lectern.

(voice-over): "Watch your back." (title graphic)

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy new year. Bruce, have you done any after-Christmas shopping yet?"

(Bruce): "A little, sure. I... mostly hunting gear."

(Linda): "Well, if you think the best of the after-Christmas bargains are gone, think again. We're gonna reveal some secret spots for deals so good, they should be called steals."

(Bruce): "Uh oh. Are you gonna shop 'til you drop?"

(Linda, laughing): "Maybe."

(Bruce): "And I will visit the sanitation department facility that recycles Christmas trees. Without a doubt, it's the biggest pile of mulch I've ever seen!"

(Linda): "Oh, I'll bet it smells wonderful! Mmm. Balsam! You know, it's also gonna smell like romance in our studio, because a charming gentleman is going to propose to his girlfriend, live on our show, and she doesn't know it yet."

(Bruce): "Yikes! I hope it goes his way. All that, plus I got my film developed from New Year's Eve on Times Square, and I'm bringin' in some crazy photos. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

1/09/12 [3507]: Michael Z. McIntee has announcing duties tonight. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to an audience guy from Iowa. ••• monologue: Dave cooks up a story about finding a little squirrel with early-onset pneumonia. He bundled it up and took it to the New York City Small Veterinarian Emergency Animal Hospital. The veterinarian (Jay Johnson, D.V.M.) is with us by live satellite hookup.

(Dave): "Doctor, can you hear me? There he is, right there! Doctor, I wonder if you could tell me... how is the squirrel doing?"

(Jay, holding the little bundle of joy on a doll bed): "Well, thanks to your swift action, the little guy is gonna make a full recovery."

(Dave): "Oh, thank you very much. That's great to hear! Going to make a full recovery. I feel so much better. Thank you. I think that makes us all feel... What a way to start the show, to get news like that!"

(Paul interjects): "I don't understand. I don't get it."

(Dave): "What's the problem?"

(Paul): "Well, you know, when I heard about a squirrel in Central Park, I thought it was gonna be something... about his nuts."

(Dave): "Well, no... no... it really... but you know, I'll tell ya, when I found him... when I found the squirrel... he was completely disoriented, he couldn't hold his nuts."

(CBS Orchestra): post-big-joke fanfare

1. Dave complains that the writers have left him floundering on material for tweets. Therefore, he's posted a placeholder tweet: @#HashTag! Same dream. Swallowed Giant marshmallow. Pillow missing. / Dave now has 142,347 followers.

2. Snow Patrol's on, and Dave shows the album cover. He points out the difference between a bald eagle and an American eagle.

3. Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage, but Dave has a detour for us: Here's an exciting new development for the Late Show, and it will forever change the way we think about television. (9th floor cam): Mike McIntee announces that there's new carpet on the hallway of the 9th floor of the office building. Two models in sparkly dresses are there to point at it. The founder and CEO of Metro Carpeting, Irv Morris, tells us, "It's made from synthetic, polypropylene-based fibers." (FX: Late Show "yes" bell.)

1/10/12 [3608]: [Dave's tie is tied way too short tonight, by the way.] ••• Michael Z. McIntee announces. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who can tell you the value of your home. ••• monologue: Dave enjoys the electric chair FX gag (Old Sparky buzzing and dimming lights) a couple of times tonight. "More juice! Dave exclaims." ••• "FOXNews Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(Shepard Smith): "What happens when you put a mouse in Mountain Dew®?"

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(Barack Obama, 1/03/12): playing football on the sand

(Ronald Reagan, 6/15/62): tanning

(Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, 8/12/11): naked!

(title graphic)

1. Dave's back on the Twitter Machine, tonight with 143,307 followers. / Tweet: @#Hash Tag. I am so fat!!!!!!!!!

2. Dave's trying to bulk up to 600 pounds to qualify for weight reduction surgery.

3. Tried and true tactics used by all candidates on the campaign trail fall into four categories, and Dave has photos to prove it. The CBS Orchestra plays on the bit with the Gunsmoke theme.
   • sweater vest photo ops (Rick Santorum)
   • the fake laugh (Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Newt)
   • Newt cannot take a bad photograph (Newt eating, Newt thumbs up, Newt grinning close-up)
   • "Looking good, Ron." (with Dr. Ron Paul, riding a bicycle in shorts)

1/11/12 [3609]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who was whining about Dave's tie. ••• Dave claims Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed alcohol in New York City. / Photoshop fun: We see one of those red slashed circles over Nick Nolte's 2002 booking mugshot. ••• Remember Osama bin Laden? The government of Pakistan is tearing down his place in Abbottabad, so it won't be a shrine. / Photo: Oh, no... that's not it. That's Mrs. Tiger Woods' place. / Let's try again. Aw, that's Derek Jeter's place. Just forget it! ••• Dr. Ron Paul has a different approach as a candidate. / Morning Joe video: His voice is now a deep, distinguished baritone. ••• "CNN: I Think It's Going Well" / video: A touch screen display of primary results is misbehaving badly for anchor John King. ••• Conservatives are upset with Mitt Romney, since he's not the most conservative. What to do? / video:

(voice-over): "With Mitt Romney ever-closer to the nomination, conservatives believe that the only way to defeat him is for the alternative candidates to unite... not only politically, but biologically. / animation:

(clip): A talking Newt head is on the shoulders of Rick Santorum, standing behind a lectern.

(voice-over): "Rewt Santingrich 2012. 100% medically active."

(Tom): "So a guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone, and could really use some company. The owner says he has just what she needs: a parrot that speaks five languages, and she'll have a lot of fun with that bird. And the guy says he'll take the parrot and make the arrangements to have the bird delivered up to his mother. Now a few days pass, and the man calls his mother: 'Well, hey, Mom, hey, did you like the bird that I sent?' And she goes, 'Oh, son, he was delicious!' The guy says, 'Mom! You ate that bird? Why, he could speak five languages!' And Mom says, 'Well, he should have said something.' "

(Dave): "Mr. Madden? Kevin? Kevin, is that you? Hi. Thanks for joining us, Kevin."

(man, trying to use his remote control): "My name isn't Kevin."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(man): "It's Al."

(Dave): "Oh."

(man): "What the hell happened?"

(Dave, to someone off-camera): "Well... Is this not Kevin Madden?"

(man): "No! It's Al."

(Dave): "We were trying to talk to you about the Romney campaign, and apparently we had a little... How are things in South Carolina?"

(man): "I'm not in South Carolina! Evidently something really did hap... I was sitting here, watching Ice Station Zebra on Turner Classic, and the next thing I know, I got sucked through the Samsung®!"

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Dave, laughing): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Really!? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well... You know, I'm sorry. Is it Kevin, you said?"

(man): "Al!"

(Dave): "I'm sorry..."

(man): "Al!"

(Dave): "Alright, Al, settle down. I apologize for the inconvenience."

(man): "Well... Where's Karen?"

(Dave): "I don't know... Who's Karen? Who's Karen?"

(man): "Karen! You know, the, uh, the busty weather girl on Channel 7."

(Dave): "I don't... I... I'm sorry..."

(man): "Could you possibly... you know, introduce her?"

(Dave): "Look. Look, I'm sorry. We'll send you a check for your trouble."

(man): "Yeah. A small one, no doubt!"

(Dave): "Yeah. OK."

(man): "Hey!"

(Dave): "What?

(man): "Spock!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(man): "Beam me up some ravioli, will you?"

(Dave): "Alright, we'll try to get the bugs... See, it's a holograph. It's technology."

1/12/12 [3610]: Tonight's audience shout out is to all the light honeymooners in the audience. Wait a minute. The audience lady who talked to Dave is from Australia. She said "late honeymoon," but Dave misunderstood her accent. ••• interruption: Pat Farmer has a fascinating item for show and tell. /

(Dave): "Oh, hi Pat!"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave, how are you?"

(Dave): "Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen... one of our stagehands. Good to see you, Pat. How're ya doin'?"

(Pat): "Same, Dave. Good to see you. Dave, you like science?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(Pat): "Do you enjoy science?"

(Dave): "Ooh, science! Oh, my God, I love science! I really do... almost as much as I enjoy being interrupted."

(Pat): "Good. Good. You'll appreciate this, then."

(Dave): "OK, what've you got?"

(Pat): "It seems that in the news, scientists in New Guinea have discovered the world's largest dime."

(photo): We see one U.S. dime, with a tiny little froggie sitting on it. (It's a Paedophryne amauensis.)

(FX): Boing sound.

(Pat): "Science: You can't live with it. You can't live without it. Am I right, folks? Catch you later, Dave."

(Pat exits the stage.)

(Dave): "He made a valid point. I just wish he'd made it somewhere else."

(graphic): The Hostess® logo

(voice-over): "The Late Show wishes to thank Hostess®, whose many delicious products helped make this man an easy target for our lazy writers."

(background music): Whitney Houston's "Didn't We Almost Have It All"

(clips of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie)

(9/30/11): A Japanese chef is right next to Christie's lectern, doing that really fast chopping thing with a couple of knives. The chef pauses, loads a bite on a knife blade, and flings it toward the governor, who gobbles up the airborne grub!

(10/13/11): Governors Christie and Romney are side-by-side on a podium. There's an explosion, and Governor Romney turns into a giant hotdog with mustard.

(?): The governor is gobbling multiple airborne donuts with sprinkles.

(6/27/11): The governor, on Meet the Press, sinks lower and lower, until his chair collapses.

(10/06/11): We marvel at the governor's sandwich construction skills. It's a multi-decker production, with a heaping helping of mustard on top, all made while he speaks.

(voice-over): "God bless you, Hostess®."

[On January 12, a Steak 'n Shake opened next door to the Ed Sullivan Theater marquee, at 1695 Broadway. On January 10, they invited Late Show staff to come over and taste their offerings. I know this from Justin Stangel's tweets.] / desk chat: Dave tells about his excitement as a boy in Indiana, going to the local Steak 'n Shake for a burger and shake. / outside cam: Dave visits with Jayci from Dayton, Ohio, who's at the cash register. She introduces her co-workers, and District Manager Dawn Arnold. Dave tells Jayci that Steak 'n Shake meant his whole life to him as a boy. She takes an order for burgers and shakes (one vanilla, one chocolate) for Dave and Paul. ••• After commercial: the order's ready, and Jayci scampers into the Ed Sullivan Theater with the grub. (Obviously she'd been given a tour earlier, because she knew all the turns to make as she sped by the audience waiting to tape the Friday episode, into the inner lobby and through a back door of the theater, held open for her.) By the time this is over, Steak 'n Shake will have gotten 11.5 minutes of CBS airtime for free, including a theme song from the CBS Orchestra. (video clip)

Look at the publicity:

• Roger Ebert tweeted:
  • "Letterman grew up with Steak 'n Shake. No coincidence their first NYC restaurant is NEXT to the Late Show theater."

  • "David Letterman and I once traded Steak 'n Shake trivia during a commercial break. In Sight, It Must Be Right! Gus Belt, founder!"

  • "I take full credit for Steak 'n Shake opening in Manhattan. Obviously it wuz this blog that dun it."

• Celebritytweet.com covered the grand opening excitement.

• The Wall Street Journal's on the story, too.

1/13/12 [3611]: monologue: It's Dave's second impression of 2012: He takes a few moments to adjust his clothing and touch up his hair. The impression begins. Dave pretends to move a computer mouse and barks. An audience lady is cracking up. We'll learn later that she told Dave her poodle surfs the Internet. ••• "The History of Friday the 13th" /

(title graphic and spooky music)

(voice-over): "On Friday, October 13th, in the year 1307, just past midnight, some messed-up        happened."

(FX): scream

(voice-over): "This has been 'The History of Friday the 13th.' "

(title graphic)

(Tony): "Congratulations to New York City Archbishop Timothy Dolan. He was promoted to Cardinal because of his work on carb-free communion wafers. By the way, Dolan was the first New Yorker to become a Cardinal since Roger Maris."

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney was CEO of the equity investment firm, Bain Capital. Newt Gingrich was Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999. And Ron Paul was a Kentucky moonshiner."

(Shecky has some awesome video of a dancing, presumably-intoxicated hillbilly.)

(voice-over): "This has been ''Before They Were Presidential Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. We're halfway through January!"

(Linda, looking now at Bruce): "How are those New Year's resolutions holding up?"

(Bruce): "Well, as you know, Linda, I'm trying to quit using nasal sprays, and so far, so good!"

(Linda): "Well, tomorrow we're going to talk to psychiatrist Carl Flashburn about his new book, So Long to Bad Habits, where he says the easiest way to change your behavior is through self-hypnosis."

(Bruce): "He's not going to make us cluck like chickens, is he?"

(Bruce and Linda rise from Dave's desk.)

(Bruce): "And over here in the Cookery Nook we have Donald Trump, Jr., who's going to show us how to make his billion-dollar meatballs."

(Linda): "Mmmm. Mama mia! Do you make them with beef, pork or veal?"

(Donald Trump, Jr.): "I use all three."

(Bruce): "Whoaaa!"

(Linda): "My goodness!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus our Weekly Word Puzzle, and the Saturday sermon from Brother Don Brennan, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

[By the way, some of the Late Show so-called fans on Facebook don't get the joke on this segment. Look at these Wall comments: "Is there really a weekend Late Show?"  "Where or when is this show telecast??? (not in Chicago's market)"]

1/16/12 [3612]: Tony Mendez strolls onstage just after the scrim comes down. Dave gives him the business. ••• Michelle Obama appeared on Nickelodeon's iCarly earlier this evening. When Dave first heard of this program, he thought it was Ike Harley! / "First Ladies in Prime Time" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "1983: Nancy Reagan played herself on Diff'rent Strokes. 1976: Betty Ford played herself on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. 1969: Pat Nixon played the Gorn on Star Trek. To learn more about first ladies, visit your local library."

(clips of Chris Christie)

(voice-over): "Sunday: An all-new Oprah's Next Chapter. Oprah will spend the entire hour talking to Republican powerhouse Chris Christie."

(Oprah): "You have been described as the human bulldozer, the Tony Soprano of politics..."

(voice-over): "Fifteen minutes of hard-hitting questions. Forty-five minutes of the governor trying to get out of the chair."

(animation... or maybe not): The chair collapses.

(voice-over): "The exclusive Oprah's Next Chapter."

(OWN graphic)

Dave wants to talk about Oprah, and Oprah's Next Chapter. People ask Dave what he can do about Oprah. He suggests a new show, Would You Arrest Oprah?. Every week, they disguise Oprah. Then she does something like start a bar fight, the police come and we see what they do about it. Then shoplifting. Then a concealed weapon charge.

1. Barack Obama wants to cut $450,000,000,000 from the defense budget over the next decade. Dave thinks someone will eventually suggest that we stop killin' each other.

2. Dave gets on a whole tangent on what Jesus would do about this. And if that's not enough, then Dave discusses with Paul whether they could book Jesus on the Late Show, and if he'd appear there or on Leno first. By the way, what hotel would be used to host Jesus during his visit, or would he stay in a manger?

3. Here's a message from the administration, "Defense Budget Cuts: Before and After." / video:

   (title graphic and dramatic music)

   (voice-over): "Before budget cuts, antiballastic systems include the Patriot Missile System, the Aegis Combat System and the Terminal High Altitude Defense System. After budget cuts, antiballistic defense will be limited to the Angry Birds System."

   (clip): Angry birds shoot down an ICBM with an Angry Bird launched from a slingshot. (Direct hit! 5,000 points!)

   (voice-over and graphic): "Good luck, America."

Gorn

1/17/12 [3613]: Alan has an audience announcement.

(Alan): "Attention Late Show audience members: If you are the owner of a metallic blue Dodge Caravan, license plate C0T 221, your car is in a loading zone. It will be towed away immediately."

(Dave): "Alan, what the heck is goin' on? Who are you talkin' about? What is all this?"

(Producer Brian Teta, as a civilian, is in a front-row aisle seat. He scampers out of the studio to rescue his vehicle.)

(Dave): "Now, Alan, what was that? What are you doin'?"

(Alan): "I just like to see that guy run!"

(title graphic)

(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "Last year Mitt Romney earned $5,000 in residuals from a 1984 photoshoot he did for a J. C. Penney circular."

(Photoshop fun): We see Mitt in his white underpants (briefs) in the Penney's ad: "Men's full-cut briefs from Penney's offer great quality at a low price."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Surprises in Mitt Romney's Tax Return.' "

(title graphic)

Put coins next to objects
Take pictures of objects next to coins
Gives one added perspective
I'm feeling something stirring in my loin

OK... here we go with the pictures:

• the world's smallest frog, the Paedophryne amauensis in Papua New Guinea, on a dime

• a miniature porcelain Batman figurine, next to a penny

• the burrow of an Oklahoma brown tarantula, next to a quarter

• a tantalum capacitor, next to a penny

• a petrified pine cone, next to a nickel

• a print of an Alaskan wolf's paw, next to a quarter

• carrot seeds, next to a penny

• an ATI X1959XTX integrated circuit chip, next to a quarter

• a blueberry, next to a nickel

1/18/12 [3614]: [Sid McGinnis is not playing in the CBSO tonight. Michael Muller is substituting.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to two guys wearing ties. ••• We get the Old Sparky execution FX a couple of times. ••• In future debates, there will be a new way of signaling the candidate that his or her time is out. / video:

(clip from a debate)

(voice-over): "In past FOX News debates, candidates were cued to wrap up their answers with a doorbell chime, or a digital beep. During Monday night's debate, we employed a different method."

(Bret Baier): "We are going to try to not use any sound."

(voice-over): "Something more effective."

(FX): Mitt Romney's swept away by a huge ball on a chain.

(voice-over): "FOX News: Always thinking."

(aging countdown clock, with live picture)

(clock): 76 years, 4 months, 28 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes, 12 seconds

We watch for 14 seconds. Nothing much happens.

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "Last year Mitt Romney earned $38,000 for his role as the evil Dr. Kent Richardson on General Hospital."

(animation): A smiling Mitt suffocates a patient with a pillow.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Surprises in Mitt Romney's Tax Return.' "

(title graphic)

(Dave): "Now, that's the same guy. That's not the guy. That's the wrong guy. This is the same guy we got last week. Al, is that you again? Al, I'm sorry. We had more trouble."

(Al): "Yeah, Al. What the hell do you want?"

(Dave): "Well, we were trying to get a hold of somebody, but it didn't work. I'm sorry."

(Al): "Yeah, well, no kidding. I was sitting here watching the history of the howitzer on The Military Channel, and all of a sudden I'm talking to Howdy Doody in a suit."

(Dave): "Right. Well... go ahead and make yourself comfortable there, Al. Now, listen, I sincerely apologize."

(Al): "No! I don't need an apology. You know... holy crap! Your voice is annoying!"

(Dave): "Well, I'm sorry. That's not very nice, by the way, Al."

(Al): "Well do me a favor, then. I'm out of chocolate milk."

(Dave, laughing)

(Al): "Can you be a pal and zap me over to Key Food?"

(Dave, laughing): "I don't think we can do that, Al, but thanks. You look great, and we'll talk to you soon, Al. OK?"

(Al): "When are you gonna get Angie Dickinson on the show?"

(Dave, laughing): "That's Al!"

(Rupert): "Today's Hello Deli Soup of the Day is Mitt Romney Health Care Soup."

(Dave): "Oh really. Mitt Romney Health Care Soup? Now, what's in the Mitt Romney Health Care Soup, Rupert?"

(Rupert): "I don't know, but no one's buyin' it!"

(CBSO): fanfare

(Rupert): "Goodnight."

1/19/12 [3615]: [Sid McGinnis is not playing in the CBSO tonight. Michael Muller is substituting.] ••• "Presidents and Disney World" / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(voice-over): "March 8, 1983: Ronald Reagan addresses math and science students during a visit to Epcot Center. February 21, 2005: During a visit to the Hall of Presidents, George W. Bush spends 45 minutes talking to his father, before realizing it was actually a robot."

(George W. Bush to Dad): "And, uh, I think you were takin' a nap."

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

(title graphic)

1. Newt's seen squeezing an older woman's nose. (Dave says, "Honk, honk!")

2. Bogus: Mitt Romney has a guy in a hammerlock.

(clip of Newt): "Uh, but I do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman..."

(editing fun): "and a woman, and a woman, and a woman, and a woman and a woman."

(Academy Awards-type music)

1. "The third agency of government I would... I would do away with: Education, uh, the, uh, Commerce... Commerce and, let's see. I can't. The third one... I can't. Sorry. Oops."

2. "He's... uh... he's flippin' more than that, uh, great movie star, Flipper."

3. "Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of... against the Second Amendment, before he was for the Second Amendment? Was it was before..."

4. "...expand your tax footprint."

5. dancing with rabbis in Austin

6. playing his lectern with his knuckles and his hands

1/20/12 [3616]: [Sid McGinnis is not playing in the CBSO tonight. Michael Muller is substituting.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to one or more ladies from Brisbane. ••• Dave shows the "Harry Smith colonoscopy" video (the man and woman cave explorers) that was such a hit in March of 2010. ••• "MSNBC Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(MSNBC anchor Thomas Roberts): "So Garrett, we have that sound this morning from Mitt Romney, but what are the expectations of him after being grilled about it last night?"

(on the phone): Garrett Haake of ABC News: Not a word is intelligible.

(Thomas Roberts): "Unfortunately we're having some technical difficulties getting Garrett on the phone for us."

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(photo): Mitt Romney in a plaid shirt and blue jeans

(voice-over): "Out on the campaign trail, you want the right look. The look that says, 'I'm on the campaign trail, pretending to be an average American.' The look that says, 'You and I both know I'm more comfortable in a suit.' Show voters you're a serious politician, with Regular Guy Jeans®."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Available at Caldor®."

It's Dave's last night of tweeting from his command module. He doesn't like it. He doesn't have anything to say. He only has 153,981 followers. Tonight is it! By the way, Dave's planning to pawn his last few tweets. The staff put Dave up to this six weeks ago, saying they'd help him, but there hasn't been much help. / Tweet: @#HashTag. See you in Brisbane! / FX: dimming lights and CO₂ behind the desk / (Some of Dave's final tweets were edited out.)

(Linda): "Thank you, Dave, and thank you, Bruce!"

(Bruce): "What are you thanking me for?"

(Linda): "Well, did you know that January is National Thank You Month? Tomorrow we'll be speaking with gratitude expert Doris Hewlett, who will teach us appreciation techniques, and even how to say thank you in other languages."

(Bruce): "Oh, like gracias. That'll be fun!"

(Linda): "Yeah!"

(Bruce): "Plus, it's that time of the year, Linda. Our Prettiest Poodles Contest starts tomorrow, and we have some dogged competitors, like Mitzi here."

(Bruce lifts Mitzi off his lap.)

(Linda): "Ohhh. Can I take her home? All that, plus gluten-free snacks, and a visit from the cast of Puppets! Puppets! Puppets!, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Bruce): "Back to you, Dave."

Will this be Dave's last tweet? Stay tuned to the Late Show, on most of these same stations.

1/23/12: REPEAT FROM 1/09/12

1/24/12: REPEAT FROM 1/05/12

1/25/12: REPEAT FROM 12/12/11

1/26/12: REPEAT FROM 11/17/11

1/27/12: REPEAT FROM 1/11/12

1/30/12 [3617]: [On Jan. 22, head writer Eric Stangel posted multiple tweets about NFL referee Ed Hochuli overexplaining the overtime rules during the NFC championship game.] / Alan Kalter's show intro tonight is, "And now, here to explain the NFL's overtime rules, David Letterman!" (See how that works?) ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Larry from Latvia. ••• "Nobody Cares" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(Sarah Palin): "My advice to Florida voters would be..."

(title graphic): "Nobody cares."

(title graphic and uplifting music)

(female news anchor): "Mitt Romney apparently has a weakness for Cool Whip®."

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Spend $20 billion to study the effects of zero gravity on double chins."

(music): Strauss's "Blue Danube," as in 2001: A Space Odyssey

(animation): Newt Gingrich drifting through space with his jowls flapping

(Alan): "Keep reaching for the stars, Newt!"

(title graphic)

1. On Saturday, Dave and family were pleased to attend the Bar Mitzvah of Paul's son, William Wood Lee Shaffer, age 13.

2. Dave's aggravated. He shouldn't say anything, but here goes! Dave claims the Late Show has a staffer in charge of calling Brad Pitt every day to be on the show. Fruit baskets are involved. Rental cars, computers and iPads® are offered. Nothing happens. Now Brad's booked on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Feb. 1. Dave thinks Angelina is behind this. The discussion goes on and on.

   Dave opens the TTL montage, then goes on with his theories about the non-booking of Brad Pitt:

   • Dave may have said something wrong when Angelina was on the show.

   • Brad's afraid of Dave.

   • Brad's worried that when he sits down, Dave will, in fact, be the cool one.

1/31/12 [3618]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from the North Pole and his Polish girlfriend. ••• Dave had fun on Jan. 17 joking about Mitt Romney's dog strapped to the top of his car in a pet carrier, which brings us to "What's Mitt Romney's Dog Tied to Today?" / video:

(title graphic and peppy 1950s music)

(photo): a doggie tied to the apex of the St. Louis Arch

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "The St. Louis Arch!"

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(clip): Barack Obama was at a fundraiser on Jan. 19, and he sang part of Rev. Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."

(graphic): "COOL"

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(clip): Mitt Romney, on the other hand, sings "America the Beautiful" off-key.

(graphic): "NOT COOL"

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

1. Oh, boy... here we go again. Brad Pitt's going to be on The Daily Show on Feb. 2. Dave says a designated staffer's called Brad Pitt every day for 30 years. Nothing. Is Brad mad? Maybe. Dave shows a New York Daily News article from 3/18/2005 documenting his wisecrack about Angelina Jolie.

   "There's so many things I want to teach the kid," Letterman joked recently, "I can teach him fishing, how to lay down a bunt . . . how to fake his way through an interview with Angelina Jolie."

2. Dave starts laying $20 bills on the desk. They're all for Brad, if he'll drop by.

3. We're not done! There's an extra $20 for cab fare! Dave puts a total of $120 in an envelope, addresses it to Brad and tapes it to the front of his desk.

Our old friend, Bill Murray, comes out in a Giants football helmet and shoulder pads. Bill always comes with material, and he certainly doesn't let us down tonight, on this eve of the 30th anniversary of his appearance as the first-ever guest on Late Night with David Letterman episode #0001, on 2/01/82. Tom "Bones" Malone catches a bullseye of a pass from our guest. We see some awesome pro-am golf , with Bill's ball coming within about a foot from a hole-in-one. Bill has a cute wrapped present for Dave. Inside is a cupcake with 30 candles, which will all be ignited before we're finished. The last surprise is a blockbuster. A camera is sent to the lobby of the theater, where Biff Henderson unveils a huge portrait of Bill. Two bagpipe players add to the festivities. On it is a plaque:

Bill Murray
Dave's Favorite Guest
1982-2012

2/01/12 [3619]: 30^th ANNIVERSARY SHOW!
monologue: "People say to me, 'Dave, why do you keep doin' it night after night? Why do you still do this, night after night?' And I'll tell you why. It's a simple reason: I've seen Regis in retirement." ••• Helping celebrate the big anniversary are beloved American celebrities. Here we go. "Celebrity Greetings for Our 30th Anniversary" / Barack Obama: "Happy anniversary, Dave, from me, the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama." ••• People wonder if Dave has any regrets after all these years. There's only one: the on-air colonoscopy. / It's the black-and-white clip of the man and woman exploring a cave with a torch. ••• "Celebrity Greetings for Our 30th Anniversary" / Justin Bieber: "You're my hero, Dave. Happy anniversary from me... teen singing sensation, Justin Bieber." ••• "Celebrity Greetings for Our 30th Anniversary" / George Clooney: "Hi, Dave, it's me... Hollywood movie star George Clooney. Happy anniversary, you sexy son of a bitch!" / (All of the celebrities' greetings were voiced over by Michael Z. McIntee, with his mellifluous voice.) ••• monologue: "I'll tell you one thing. Over the years... 30 years... I have put more people to sleep than Dr. Conrad Murray." ••• The people at CBS have been wonderful over the years. They put together a special congratulatory message. / video: "Way to go!" (The message lasted 1.1 seconds.) Dave calls for another look, just in case. Nope. Same deal. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "What was I doing 30 years ago? I was in a Mexican prison. Never mind why." ••• Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like to Say to Dave on His 30th Anniversary in Late Night (presented live) (starting year shown in parentheses) / Dave says, "If I get a communication from a staffer, it usually comes through a window, tied to a brick."

10. Jay Johnson (1988 / 24 years): "I stopped watching in '92."
9. Biff Henderson (1980 / 32 years): "One of these days, we'll figure out how to kill you and make it look like an accident."
8. Kathy Michalcik Mavrikakis (1985 / 27 years): "My therapist says I have Stockholm Syndrome."
7. Jude Brennan (1980 / 32 years): "I will not be berated this way -- go       yourself."
6. Will Lee (1982 / 30 years): "My family thinks I work at Walgreens."
5. Barbara Gaines (1980 / 32 years): "Thirty years -- we've never met."
4. Sue Hum (1984 / 28 years): "Hey grandpa, shove it up your ass."
3. Rob Burnett (1988 / 26 years): "You're incompetent."
2. Rick "Shecky" Scheckman (1982 / 30 years): "I've always loved you, now & forever." (blows a kiss)
1. Paul Shaffer (1982 / 30 years): "I got nothin' to say to that       ." (lips blurred because it was so naughty!)

•••

Howard Stern visits with Dave in multiple segments. We see a photo of his first appearance, the time he came on in drag and photos of Howard's hot wife, Beth Ostrosky Stern. Howard proclaims his allegiance to Dave, announcing that he refuses appearances on the Tonight show, even though Dave shot that Super Bowl commercial with Big Jaw. Their relationships with Rosie O'Donnell are covered in depth. Dave awards Brad Pitt's $120 to Howard. Howard commandeers some airtime at the end to sincerely thank Dave for his work, and his personal support of him over the years.

Howard's going to be a panelist on America's Got Talent, so we have an installment of "Is This Anything?" to give him some practice. / The scrim rises. We see some masked loser bouncing around in a balloon-looking thing.
Dave: "It looks like a safe sex campaign."
Howard: "Horrible and nauseous."
Paul: "Nothing!"

2/02/12 [3620]: Tonight's audience shout out is to an attorney from Boonville, Indiana. ••• "Family Feud Highlight of the Night" / video:

(title graphic)

(Host Steve Harvey): "Name something an airline pilot might be holding during a long flight."

(contestant): "Microphone radio."

(Host Steve Harvey): "Number six."

(audience and game board): "His schlong."

(title graphic)

(title graphic and uplifting music)

(Sarah Palin's quickly cut off, answering): "I've said for many weeks now, I want to..."

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(Mitt, being interviewed while driving): "He focused on cap and trade, and card-check unionization, and paid scant attention to the fact that millions of Americans out of work..."

(animation): Mitt's dog, famously once transported on top of his car, appears at the driver's window.

(Mitt): "...home values collapsing, foreclosures at record levels... people here in Detroit..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "See you next time on 'A Moment with Mitt Romney.' "

(title graphic)

1. Last night was the 30^th anniversary show. Dave thanks CBS This Morning for their shout out.

2. "In the beginning," Dave says, "There was something wrong with me." Dave claims he and Les Moonves had a fist fight a long time ago. It was a draw, but Dave needed nine stitches.

3. This is nice. CBS keeps sending gifts. Dave picks up a repurposed wreath. It once read "Rest in peace, Jack LaLanne," and now says "Congratulations, Dave!"

4. Brian Williams did a nice piece on Dave and his days with NBC.

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney."

(Mitt sings "America the Beautiful.")

(voice-over): "+ a mustache ="

(clip): Robert Goulet, with a thin mustache, sings "God Bless America."

(doctored clip of Mitt with a mustache): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

2/03/12 [3621]: Tonight's audience shout out is to an optometrist from Albany. ••• Oops! Tony Mendez is missing his first cue card. He flips through the set to be sure it's not there. Dave asks if he wants to run upstairs and get it. Tony's off in a flash, and is back in 30 seconds. ••• monologue: "I'm not kiddin' you. Everybody in New York has got Super Bowl fever. You go over to St. Patrick's, and they've replaced the holy water with onion dip." ••• Dave's hometown, Indianapolis, will host the Super Bowl on Sunday, which brings us to "Get to Know Indianapolis, Indiana." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Get to know Indianapolis, Indiana. Founded in 1821. Population: 840,000. Notable Americans hailing from Indianapolis: Steve McQueen, Jane Pauley, Dan Quayle and Jared the Subway Guy. This has been 'Get to Know Indianapolis, Indiana.' "

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Richard Nixon was the first President to deliver a State of the Union address with a ventriloquist's dummy."

(doctored clip of Nixon from 1/22/71)

(dummy speaking): "We remember that this nation launched itself as a loose confederation of separate states."

(voice-over): "This has been... aw, who cares?"

(title graphic)

(title graphic)

(Not Cool #1)

(voice-over): "Not cool: Kim Jong-Un."

(Not Cool #2)

(voice-over): " 'Stayin' Alive' "

(voice-over): "Cool: Kim Jong-Un + 'Stayin' Alive.' "

(clip): Kim Jong-Un walking down a hallway, supposedly dancing to the Bee Gees

(voice-over): "Stay cool, bros."

(Linda): "Thank you, Dave. Bruce, do you like magic?"

(Bruce): "Abra cadabra. Of course!"

(Linda): "Well, we have a fascinating guest on our show tomorrow. Via the Internet from jail, a former close-up magician who turned to crime and became a pickpocket. It's quite a story."

(Bruce): "Wow! Hold onto your wallet! Now Linda, you and I have kept this secret for weeks, but joining us in the Weekend Workshop is none other than comedy legend Pat Cooper! Pat not only has a sharp wit. He's got a green thumb."

(Linda): "And, speaking of thumbs, we'll continue our fascinating series on hitchhiking!"

(Bruce): "All that, and 2012 Dr. Scholl's® college scholarship winner, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

Tony has one of his rants in Spanish, then takes a powder. (The TTL is then finished.) ••• Michelle Williams plugs My Week with Marilyn. She was on Dawson's Creek, back in the day, with Katie Holmes. ••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" (starring receptionist Art Kelly, including a plug for Steak 'n Shake®) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up. ••• Ziggy Marley sings. ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.]

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.

Each Friday night, the week's five new logs are pasted into a master file (formatted in html), containing all 3,600+ entries, covering all 18 years on CBS. The file's now at 1132 pages and 5.1 MB. No, I've never printed it.