"This Saturday, FOX News is the place to be for exclusive coverage of Jenna Bush's wedding." (Cue video of an old-time wedding on unicycles.) "It's gonna be the wildest ceremony ever, when a crazy mix-up leads to the wedding being performed by Obama's nutty preacher. Then you won't believe who hits on Jenna at the reception. And you've just gotta see those crazy Bushes driving home after a few hours of open bar." (Cue video of car wrecks.) "The Bush wedding: Be there."

"In her new book, Audition, Barbara Walters tells all about her relationships with some of the world's most powerful men, from Senators John Warner and Ed Brooke, to former Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan. But can a journalist truly be objective when dating political figures? That's why Wolf Blitzer wants CNN's viewers to know that he's never had sex with anyone. Blitzer: pure as the driven snow."

5/07/08 [2918]: "It's so warm" jokes ••• desk chat: Dave talks about gifts to and from audience members. He got a quilt from an aunt of an audience lady, and he gave out countless canned hams. One male fan made a fuss years later, when his unrefrigerated canned ham exploded. ••• "Great Moments in Magic" / video: "Although he was considered the greatest escape artist of his time, on April 9, 1895, Harry Houdini could not get out of going antiquing with his wife, Bess. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' " ••• glass-breaking FX: "I don't need it." and traffic noises ••• Barbara Walters has published an autobiography, Audition: A Memoir. Apparently she's had a lot of boyfriends. One can't help thinking so after Dave turns to a category in the index: "Dudes: Sex With, 1, 3-7, 9, 24-84, 87, 94, 101-143, 148-198, 207-209, 25, 223, 247, 252, 254-268, 279, 294-315, 319-376, 383, 391-412, 415-465, 472-501, 503, 504, 505-529." ••• interruption: CBS News Special Report: "I just saw Ironman and it was totally awesome. Anyway... so, we now return you to Love, Herman, already in progress." ••• MTV has The Hills. Now Al Jazeera has a knockoff. / video: Osama, Ayman, Mahmoud and Tariq star in The Hills of Warziristan. ••• FX: "I don't need it." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: "You know, I guess I'll go home and mow the lawn." ••• Andy Kindler comes out to set up his latest adventure, "Andy Kindler Visits a Tattoo Parlor" (with Chris De Troy). ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Signs There's Trouble at The Weather Channel™ ••• Emile Hirsch plugs Speed Racer. ••• Dirk Arthur with extreme magic ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Late Show Magician Week promo ••• desk chat: After commercial, Dave wants to know if Dirk Arthur's tiger is gone. He seems a bit uneasy. Before long he produces a bottle of firewater from under the desk, pours himself a glassful and drinks the rest of the bottle. ••• Tom Dreesen

5/06/08 [2917]: Dave delivers a bottle of water to an audience man. He's from Atlanta, and they're having a drought. ••• It's Magicians Week. Dave has a wand, and he has a trick for us. With a wave of the wand, the control room magically places sparklies on the screen. ••• "Great Moments in Magic":

"For years, magician Harry Kellar delighted crowds by making coins disappear. No one ever knew where the coins went until he died, and the coroner found nine dollars and twenty-three cents in change up Mr. Kellar's ass. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' "

5/05/08 [2916]: after jokes: Dave goes into the audience and gets a magazine from an audience man. ••• It's Magicians Week. Dave goes into a trance. His psychokinetic powers kick in, and before we know it, a Late Show mug is hovering over his desk. (Cut to a shot of the guy in the rafters, pulling the string.) ••• "Great Moments in Magic" / video: "Although he was considered the greatest escape artist of his time, on April 9, 1895, Harry Houdini could not get out of going antiquing with his wife, Bess. This has been 'Great Moments in Magic.' " ••• glass breaking FX: "You're going to need a colonoscopy." ••• It's Cinco de Mayo, and it's a big deal. Dave shows a brand new five dollar bill, and guess what? Abe's wearing a sombrero! / Michael Z. McIntee voice-over: "That was muy, muy hilarioso." ••• Dave wonders if we ever watch public television. They have a documentary called American Experience. They debuted their profile of George Herbert Walker Bush. / video: "In February of 1981, newly-inaugurated Vice-President Bush was granted an audience with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. The meeting took an awkward turn when Prince Philip mistook Barbara Bush for old-time wrestling great, Big Swede Hanson. American Experience will return after these messages." ••• FX: "OK, boys, gas up the Buick." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, the guy calls and says, 'You know, like, you're supposed to pick the rug.' I said, 'Huh?' " ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave had to do some air travel for "bidness" over the weekend. There was a delay for an unknown reason. He does some imitations of a flight attendant who didn't know the reason. ••• Top Ten Reasons Hillary Clinton Loves America (presented by the Senator, live via satellite) ••• Jimmy Kimmy plugs Jimmy Kimmel Live. ••• "Late Show Prize Giveaway" / Alan Kalter says everyone in the audience will receive one of: a 50-inch LCD TV, a Sony® Playstation 3™ or $1000 in cash. / The scrim rises. Pat Farmer spins the prize wheel, which promptly falls off the prize wheel holder-upper. It rolls offstage and finds the 53rd St. door open, so it keeps on rolling. Biff Henderson doesn't seem to be able to get it stopped. It does stop for a while to contemplate a fabulous woman. Eventually it rolls into ABC Studios, where it takes out Mr. Regis Philbin. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Magicians Week promo ••• master magician Lance Burton ••• Jimmy Eat World sing. ••• full credits (now with split screen, so we can see the CBSO)

5/02/08 [2915]: The Kentucky Derby will be run tomorrow. Dave calls race announcer Dave Johnson to have him say, "and down the stretch they come!" He's been using that exciting phrase since about 1977, and he doesn't like his imitators much. ••• video: Lost is back on TV. It's wacky and full of surprises. / video: "Tonight, it's a Lost you'll never forget, when Jack engages in a deadly battle of wits with the evil robot monkey." (Cue picture of a chimpanzee in a spacesuit, holding some kind of sword.) "I just made that up, because I have no idea what this show's about. Only on ABC." ••• Allergy sufferers have had a rough time of it on the East Coast this week. / video:

"And now your Weather Channel™ PollenCast. No let-up for allergy sufferers today. (achoo!) For the sixth consecutive day, (sniff) the tree pollen count is at record (achoo!) levels. Tomorrow is not looking... (cough cough) Damn... (cough) any better. (achoo! achoo! sniff) Oh, for the love of God, someone, kill me! My eyes are burning. I wish I were dead. (cough) And now a word from (sniff) Anacin®."

"Welcome to Grand Theft Auto IV, the video game that puts you right in the middle of the gritty, streetwise action. You start by noticing that your car has been stolen. You then notify local police, who instruct you to fill out an auto theft report. Make sure you get all the details correct. The next step in your mission is to contact your insurance company. Completing an extremely detailed claim form will require all your skill and concentration. Then you'll meet with claims adjusters, who review your police report and insurance paperwork. If all your documentation is in order, congratulations. You'll receive a check for the replacement cost of your stolen vehicle. Have fun!"

5/01/08 [2914]: desk chat: Dave says a man from Sydney, Australia asked during the preshow questions if Dave socialized with CBS executives. He has quite a laugh over that one. ••• Today is the fifth anniversary of George W. Bush landing on the aircraft carrier Lincoln to announce mission accomplished. / video: "Today is the fifth anniversary of President George W. Bush's infamous "Mission Accomplished" speech. While we admit this speech was premature, we would like to highlight George W. Bush's other accomplishments." (Cue a screen with snow.) "The White House. We're going to have to get back to you on this one." ••• There's a new study on human sexual activities. (Dave claims humans are the only animals capable of phone sex.) / video: "In a recent study, scientists found that smarter women tend to be worse in bed than women of lesser intelligence. The researchers came to this conclusion after conducting interviews with hundreds of women, asking their partners about their sexual activity, and comparing the Paris Hilton sex tape with the Ruth Bader Ginsberg sex tape." (Cue slide whistle.) "A message from the National Slut Council." ••• glass-breaking FX: "I'd love some more calimari." ••• FX: breaking news synthesizer alert ••• The scientist who first synthesized LSD, Albert Hofmann, died today at 102. video: "Albert Hofmann, the scientist who first synthesized LSD, has died at the age of 102. He originally intended the drug to be used for therapeutic purposes, but for better or worse, his legacy will live on in the hallucinatory work of musicians, artists and disoriented reality show judges. Hofmann... out!" ••• FX: "He's a big man." ••• " "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "Then, of course, we spent time on our economy. Zuh." (as if to make economy plural) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's back to the CBS executives topic. They never pick up the check. ••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Barack Obama (presented via satellite by Sen. Barack Obama) ••• John Goodman plugs Speed Racer. ••• Dave goes into a trance to conjure up the spirit of Abraham Lincoln, to see who he'd like for a date. At first he confesses interest in Catherine Chase. On second thought, Abe goes with Jessica Alba. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for Magicians Week ••• Bear Grylls ••• Robyn sings.

4/30/08 [2913]: Hillary Clinton appeared in the first of a two-part interview on The O'Reilly Factor. / video (with voiceover by Alan): "Tonight on Fox, Bill O'Reilly welcomes Hillary Clinton for the first of a two-part interview. You won't want to miss a single word when Bill welcomes Hillary Clinton." (Cue clip of O'Reilly: "You're a slut!") "The O'Reilly Factor: You've entered the No-Spin Zone." ••• glass-breaking FX: "Yee ha, Daddy." ••• David Blaine has broken the record for holding his breath. He was on Oprah. / video: "Wednesday on Oprah: It's a live television event you'll have to see to believe. David Blaine tries to hold his breath longer than anyone in history, breaking the current record held by Harry Houdini, who hasn't breathed since 1926. Oprah: Check your local listings." ••• FX: "Let Daddy drive you home." ••• Dave wonders if we've seen the new Grand Theft Auto IV video game, Grand Theft Buggy. / Alan Kalter interrupts to point out that it's not plausible. The Amish don't have DVDs! ••• FX: "My pants are full of smoke!" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "If they do not now accept our terms, they may expect a rain of ruin from the air, the like of which has never been seen on this earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call 'em, you know what I'm talkin' about." ••• Top Ten Signs Paula Abdul Needs a Vacation ••• "Lyle the Intern" shows up uninvited for the fifth time. (Lyle is played by Jimmi Simpson.) ••• FX: "Stop the music! Stop the music!" ••• Matthew Broderick plugs Then She Found Me. / Ping pong expert Marty Reisman does a ping pong trick as a surprise for Matthew. ••• "Where in the World Is David Letterman?" is a take-off on Today's "Where in the World Is Matt Lauer?" The answer? Just look at the red arrow pointing at Dave at his desk. ••• Heidi Montag plugs The Hills. / shot of her boyfriend, Spencer Pratt, in the green room ••• Josh Groban sings.

4/29/08 [2912]: desk chat: Dave says he had some kind of accident over the weekend. He thinks he has about a dozen cracked ribs. In the preshow questions, an audience lady reported that she fell off a horse. ••• Once again, Dave brings up the rice shortage that has brought our nation to its knees. Stores and suppliers are setting limits. / video:

"This week Israel has implemented rice rationing. Well, President Bush would like to remind all American men that there's still some rice here at home that's waiting for anyone who wants it." (Cue photo of our Secretary of State, Dr. Condoleezza Rice.) "Condoleezza Rice: Be there."

"Colonel John is a California-based horse who has won four of his last five races. He was sired by Tiznow, the former champion three-year-old. If Colonel John does not win the Kentucky Derby, he will be put down and turned into Chili's® Boneless Shanghai Wings. This has been 'Getting to Know the Kentucky Derby Favorites.' "

4/28/08 [2911]: There's a worldwide rice shortage, and Dave has been witness to it. In fact, he's brought us show and tell. It's the new product, A Roni®. I'm guessing it's still the San Francisco treat. (As a 25-year fan, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Dave already has an A Roni: Dr. Louis J. Aronne, Staff Physician.) ••• The summer blockbuster movie season is getting underway. The title character of Ironman will build a flying suit. / video: We see him at work. The finished product? It bears a striking resemblence to Twiki, the robot from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, with Dr. Theopolis hanging from his robot neck. ••• glass-breaking FX: one of those "breaking news" synthesizer tunes ••• Dave believes gas prices are going to hit $10 per gallon by Labor Day. Even now, the elevated price is having an effect in New York City. / outside cam: Digital Media Creative Director Walter Kim, as a civilian, hails a cab. "23rd and 10th," Walter instructs the driver, who we notice is a guy wearing a cardboard cutout of a cab. ••• interruption: As is happening with increasing frequency in this season of the Late Show, Dave's image is out of frame. He notices and lowers his noggin to the desk to speak to legendary cameraman, Dave Dorsett. When questioned, we learn that Grand Theft Auto IV is being released at midnight. He needs to get in line right now. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: "When money goes into... thirty percent increase... in your energy bill." ••• "Small Town News" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Saddam Hussein would be 71 years old today, if he hadn't kicked the bucket. / Top Ten Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today ••• Gwyneth Paltrow plugs Ironman. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Richard Lewis ••• The Roots, featuring Chrisette Michele and Wale, sing.

4/25/08 [2910]: It's time for another portrait of Biff Henderson. As tradition requires, Dave treats us to a review of the past portraits: tattoo, ice sculpture, Legos®, Dominoes®, cheese, Post-it® notes, bubble gum, ketchup, sidewalk chalk, sand and Etch-a-Sketch®. / Todd Neufeld, an attorney from Brooklyn, is with Biff in the green room. He's going to use 25 to 30 balloons to do a likeness of Biff. ••• Philomena from the audience leaves for Jamba Juice®. ••• [Todd's starting with the hands.] ••• HBO is running a miniseries on John Adams. / clip: "Part 44: The Homefront": Our friend Chris Elliott, as John Adams, calls to his wife, "Abigail, fetch me a crust of bread and a carafe of fine wine. I've had a frightfully fatiguing day." Gerard Mulligan, as Abigail, appears on camera to reply, "Get it yourself, you pantyhose-wearing load. You think I've been sitting on my ass all day, eating huckleberries?" "OK, alright, alright. Stop busting my balls, you dried-up old hag." / All in the Family credits. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "The purpose of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the Western Hemisphere." 2. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 3. George W. Bush: "And, uh, that, that, uh, makin' decisions that, uh..." ••• [Todd and Biff, quick check] ••• [Todd and Biff, quick check] ••• Philomena returns with three Jamba Juice® beverages. Paul gets one. ••• glass-breaking FX: "Campbell's®, the tender-hearted pork and beans." ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. The hottest planet in the solar system is Venus, with a surface temperature of 864° F. 2. In episodes of Happy Days dubbed in Swedish, Fonzie is called Bjornzie. (Dave pauses to inform us that he drank something unpotable over the weekend, and now he thinks he has parasites.) 3. Scientists believe that the foods with the most "aphrodisiacal" qualities are oysters and ass-shaped dinner rolls. 4. Beginning next year, Swanson® will offer most of its TV dinners in High Definition.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• [a check with Todd: Biff's holding a subassembly of balloons which he thinks looks like an arm. Paul Shaffer opines, "You know, Dave, the orange part reminds me of Biff's arm, and the blue part at the end reminds me of his penis and testicles. Don't you think? Don't you think that it's sort of a likely, uh?" Dave marches over and takes away Paul's Jamba Juice® beverage and presents it to Felicia.] ••• Craig Ferguson plugs the Late Late Show. ••• [Todd Neufeld's balloon sculpture of Biff is finished.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Ira Glass ••• The Black Crowes sing.

4/24/08 [2909]: Hillary Clinton won in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. / video:

"After an expensive and bruising campaign, Hillary Clinton won a decisive victory in the Pennsylvania primary. We congratulate Senator Clinton on a well-fought battle, who because delegates are awarded on a proportional basis, netted a grand total of 10 delegates. Wait. All of that for 10 delegates? Oh, Lord, this race is never going to end. The Democratic Party: Make it stop."

4/23/08 [2908]: desk chat: Apparently Paul Shaffer had something unpleasant to say about Thunder Bay, Ontario during the preshow questions. ••• On American Idol, contestants had to do songs by Andrew Lloyd Webber. / interruption: Dave sings his "Midnight, and the Kitties are Sleeping" song. / Anyway, something crazy happened during the episode. Paula Abdul's noggin 'sploded! ••• glass-breaking FX: "Let Daddy drive you home." ••• HBO has a great miniseries about John Adams. Dave finds it compelling. / video: Part 52 - "On History's Doorstep": Chris Elliott, as John Adams, is looking at a tape of the miniseries, saying "That's the guy they got to play me?" ••• FX: "My pants are full of smoke." ••• interruption: Dave's new (old) black dial phone rings. It's a booty call. ••• more John Adams / video: Part 62: "Treaty of Mortefontaine": It's a PC vs. Mac ad (with Chris and Gerard Mulligan). ••• FX: "Stop the music! Stop the music!" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "Yeah. Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. We had a great... we had a good meeting, uh, because we're good friends." ••• Mrs. Patrick's third grade class from Woodrow Wilson Elementary School in Newburgh, New York has sent in pictures for "If I Were President." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Ways George W. Bush Can Improve His Approval Rating ••• racing legend Danica Patrick ••• Johnny Dark, as Abe Lincoln, heckles Dave and does stand-up while seated in the balcony. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show": "Make your TiVo happy. Record this show now." ••• Keith Olbermann ••• Tokyo Police Club sing.

4/22/08 [2907]: desk chat: Because of a pre-show audience question, Dave brings up his attempts in 2002 to have the I-465 loop around Indianapolis named the David Letterman Bypass. Actually, in 2002 he was calling for it to be named the David Letterman Expressway. He's promoting Bypass now because of his bypasses in 2000. Dave even offered to pay for the signs. Instead of calling it by its full name, natives would refer to taking the "Dave." No luck. They named it for Indiana Senator Richard Lugar. Now they're stuck with calling the bypass the "Dick." ••• Last week the head of the Associated Press referred to Osama as Obama bin Laden. / video: "Obama vs. Osama":

"Barack Obama was the first African American president of the Harvard Law Review. Osama bin Laden funneled money to the Mujahideen during the Afghan war. Barack Obama is the frontrunner for his party's nomination for President. Osama bin Laden is the founder of the jihadist organization known as al-Qaeda. Barack Obama loves mini-egg rolls, Popsickles® and Lost. Well, so does Osama. This has been 'Obama vs. Osama.' "

"So... you're marrying a Bush daughter. Congratulations. You're joining the greatest political family since the Kuciniches! Here are some tips that will allow you to fit in. Barbara Bush is proud of her latest diet, so make sure to compliment her figure. When making small talk with the President, try to avoid any areas that might annoy or depress him, such as Iraq, the economy, his failure to catch Osama, the environment, the anemic approval rating, Iran's burgeoning nuclear weapons program, North Korea's burgeoning nuclear weapons program and his general stupidity. Finally, don't get your hopes up for a wild wedding night, because unfortunately, Jenna has gotten all her honeymoon tips from Condoleezza. The Bush Family: When it comes to failure, we're a dynasty."

4/21/08 [2906]: "John McCain looks like the kind of guy" jokes ••• desk chat: T-Ball started for Harry on Saturday. His uniform number is #4. Dave irritated the coach when he asked if a weekend off wouldn't cause the kids to lose their competitive edge. ••• Pope Benedict XVI held a mass at Yankee Stadium. / video:

"Yesterday Pope Benedict gave communion to over 57,000 people at on open-air mass. But what made the event even more memorable was he replaced boring old communal wafers with delicious Blazin' Buffalo Wing Pringles®. Just listen to what the Pope says about the snack chip with attitude: 'This new Pringles® flavor is kicking with the Buffalo Sauce. So buckle up and get ready for a blazin' ride, partner.' Everything Pops with Pringles® and Pope Benedict."

"Contrary to popular belief, a new study has found that people get happier as they got older. Scientists observed that research subjects in their sixties were substantially happier than those in their fifties. People in their seventies were happier than those in their sixties. And by far the happiest people they observed were dead people." (Cue photos of famous dead guys Richard M. Nixon, Col. Harland Sanders, Sammy Davis, Jr. and Telly Savalas.) "A message from the American Association of Dead Persons (and people like you)."

4/18/08 [2905]: desk chat: Pope Benedict XVI is visiting New York City. Wherever the Pope goes, people expect a miracle. Sometimes it's not as big a miracle as you were hoping. Dave shows a grilled cheese sandwich from Hello Deli with the clear image of Dr. Phil McGraw on one side. ••• The New York Knicks have had a couple of years of mediocre basketball. Isiah Thomas has been fired as manager, but he's lobbying to continue as the coach. He's put together a video: "Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career": "On February 11, 2008, under the brilliant leadership of Isiah Thomas, the Knicks came within 14 points of beating the Atlanta Hawks. This has been 'Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career.' " ••• Dave takes a gigantic bite out of the miracle grilled cheese sandwich (which he sneaks into a napkin). ••• [We have another clip from HBO's miniseries about John Adams. / "Part 12 - Far from Home": We see our old friend Chris Elliott, as President Adams, tucked in bed, spectacles on the end of his nose, writing by candlelight to Ma Adams with a feather pen in old-time, formal prose. The President tires, sets aside his letter and blows out his candle. Or not. He tries, again and again... nine times in total, to extinguish the thing. Frustrated, he gives the wall a smack and yells next door, "OK. Real ****ing funny, Franklin, you bald-headed bastard. Thanks a lot!"] ••• The Jewish people are celebrating Passover this weekend. / video: "Let's Learn About Passover": "During the seven-day holiday known as Passover, Jews refrain from eating bread to commemorate Moses losing 19 pounds on a low-carb diet. This has been 'Let's Learn About Passover.' " ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 3. George W. Bush: "It's a... I mean this is the kind of issue that... that... all kinds of rumors, and... you know." ••• desk chat: Dave tells us that he watched a documentary about an Italian jockey who said, "If you have a happy life, it makes an impression on the horse." ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. The average child in the U. S. eats 1,500 peanut butter sandwiches by the time he or she graduates from high school. / interruption: Dave notices Tom "Bones" Malone doing something with a saxophone. / 2. 94% of instant message users who write LOL are not, in fact, laughing out loud. 3. During the 1989 beret shortage, the Guardian Angels wore sombreros. 4. The Leaning Tower of Piza began tilting one day after the warranty expired.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During the Pope's Visit to New York City ••• Amy Poehler plugs Baby Mama. ••• ["Will It Float?" / Dave shows the home game, but doesn't mention it. / Alan Kalter (TV's Rabbi Zuckerman) says we're testing a glass brick. It's one of those clear, sparkly, hollow items used in construction. Alan thinks it might weigh about eight pounds. (We hopefully all know by now that that's irrelevant.) / We're playing for a dog! / The scrim rises. Anna Jack's on hula hoops. (A new development is her hoops light up.) Kiva Kahl is on grinder. Andrea Sande and Ruté have float tank duty. / Dave says float. Paul says float. / It floats! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Jason Segel plugs Forgetting Sarah Marshall. ••• Jordan Zevon sings.

4/17/08 [2904]: desk chat: Dave got a little wake-up call today. Some staffers got Jamba Juice® today. He thinks the stuff is really good. It's so good that you want a second one. Halfway through the second one, you feel sick. Dave's confidante and aide, Mary "Skeeter" Barclay says he can't have any, because the sugar makes him angry. ••• glass-breaking FX: Tarzan yell ••• Dave sees himself in a monitor. He tells Paul, "You know, I've started to notice this about my hair... I'm at an age when my hair is starting to comb itself over." ••• Barack Obama is using student volunteers in his campaign. To show his thanks, he plays basketball with them. John McCain has a similar program. / video:

"To reward young people for getting involved in politics, Barack Obama held a contest that will give two student volunteers the chance to play basketball with him. Not to be outdone, John McCain is holding a similar contest, in which two of his student volunteers will win the chance to come over to his house and trim his ear hair. John McCain: Old N' Hairy."

4/16/08 [2903]: desk chat: Dave has a bit of a concern over tonight's pre-show questions. A lady in the audience wanted to know about last night's Top Ten list. Eventually he has Tony Mendez deliver a printed copy. ••• The last two years haven't been good for the New York Knicks. Isiah Thomas has been replaced as general manager, but he'll continue as the coach. / video: "Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career": "On April 23, 2007, in a game against the Boston Celtics, Isiah Thomas looked quite sharp in his charcoal gray suit, and purple and black striped necktie. This has been 'Great Moments in Isiah Thomas' Knicks Career.' " ••• interruption: Dave notices that a distinguished older gentleman has appeared on the set. (We're not certain how he got past Bill DeLace and his crack staff.) Dave politely asks if he can help with anything. "No, I'm waiting on the bus," he replies. ••• Dave's fascinated with HBO's miniseries on John Adams. / video: "Part 37: Birth of the Federalists" / We see our old friend, Gerard Mulligan, in one of those ruffly, ridiculous-looking outfits from that era. He is visiting with Chris Elliott (as John Adams) in regard to his outfit. Mr. Elliott appears on camera with long, blonde pigtails, wearing a dress that might best be described as orange. It's really quite an unpleasant image. "I'm a little girl," he explains. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the 1930s. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 2. John F. Kennedy: "And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 3. George W. Bush: (We see the President at some sort of groundbreaking.) "Gettin' ready to shovel. Dirt. He he." ••• "Small Town News" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked the Pope ••• Uma Thurman plugs The Life Before Her Eyes. ••• interruption: major video problems (snow) / Technical Maintenance Supervisor Gary Mintz, at his station in the basement, learns of the malfunction. "Oh, no! Dave needs me," Gary exclaims. He steps to his superhero outfit storage cabinet nearby, to quickly change into a charcoal gray tank top and camo pants. He straps on a tool belt, applies Sun Glare Black to his eyes and dashes upstairs, where he gives Dave Dorsett's camera lens a couple of good smacks. We're back to HDTV! Gary exits through the audience, pausing long enough to make out with a female admirer. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• Graham Rahal ••• The Gossip "sing."

4/15/08 [2902]: Pope Benedict XVI will be at Yankee Stadium in New York. Everybody in the U. S. is excited about the Pope. Everyone in Rome is excited, too. / video:

"This week, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI will make a historic trip to the United States, but Vatican City residents can rest easy during the pope's absence, because he's left a stellar lineup of guest popes to fill in for him while he's away, including Burt Reynolds on Tuesday, John Davidson on Wednesday, David Brenner on Thursday and Willie Tyler and Lester on Friday. Vatican City: America's Late Night Leader."

4/14/08 [2901]: desk chat: Dave and family made a trip to Paris last week, and guess what? He got to go to an opera. He has a lengthy review of some man dressed up as a woman. We're not left with the impression that Dave will return to the opera anytime soon. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Once again, we're experiencing camera difficulties. Dave takes a moment to ask legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett what on earth's going on this time. We see Dorsett at a desk. His taxes are due tomorrow. ••• Top Ten Ways Trevor Immerman's Life Has Changed Since Winning the Masters (presented onstage by Trevor Immerman) ••• Al Pacino plugs 88 Minutes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tomorrow on the Late Show" ••• David Wright of the New York Mets ••• Dave pitches to David Wright on 53rd St. (The city will no longer give permission to use regular baseballs for these demos, so they use a softer version, in hopes that not so many windows will be broken.

4/11/08: REPEAT FROM 2/21/08

4/10/08: REPEAT FROM 3/10/08

4/09/08: REPEAT FROM 2/25/08

4/08/08: REPEAT FROM 2/27/08

4/07/08: REPEAT FROM 1/17/08

4/04/08 [2900]: Hillary Clinton claimed that in 1996 she and Chelsea dodged sniper fire in Tuzla, Bosnia. Now the McCain people have gotten a hold of this. / video: doctored Civil War footage with Sen. McCain ••• interruption: The intercom on the wall is buzzing. Dave steps over to answer it. Whoever's on the other end can't be understood, but Dave invites him up, anyway. ••• video: "CNN Highlight of the Night" from Larry King Live: Recovering sex addict Caveh Zahedi, writer and director of I Am a Sex Addict, is seen onscreen, but he just sits there and blinks. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "Where's the rally monkey?" ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. Tom Arnold has had the most appearances on the cover of Time magazine, at 26. 2. Because of global warming, the National Hockey League will shrink to eight teams next year. 3. If there is no doorbell, a Jehovah's Witness will stand in front of a house yelling "bing bong, bing bong, bing bong." 4. Native Americans gave us popcorn. The fake butter crap was our idea. 5. It takes 28 muscles to drop your pants and fire a rocket.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat ••• Ellen Pompeo plugs Grey's Anatomy. ••• ["Will It Float?" / Dave shows the home game. / Alan Kalter (TV's Singing Chef) says we're testing a handheld back massager. It's plastic, with a cord, and has gel grips. / We're playing for his and her bicycles. / Dave immediately says float. It's something about the gel grips. Paul says sink. / Anna Jack's on hula hoops. Kiva Kahl is on grinder. Andrea Sande and Ruté have float tank duty. / Hold everything! The minute Dave gets a look at the gadget, he changes his prediction to sink. (It's OK, since the thing hadn't hit the H₂O yet.) / It sinks! / after commercial: Dave reads an e-mail from Jim Vetting, CEO of the HoMedics QuadAction Percussion Massager company: "Mr. Letterman, How dare you describe our massager as low-quality? Although, if anyone knows about low quality, it's you, fat boy!"] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige interview / sing

4/03/08 [2899]: roof cam: Pat Farmer, Tom Richards and Eddy (all in Yankees uniforms) are going to drop 500 baseballs on a red Cadillac 90 feet below to observe the beginning of the baseball season. Pat drops one ball for now. ••• desk chat: Oprah's good friend, Gayle King, will be on tonight. They've been friends for 35 years. Dave has his best friend, Joe, up in the office. Joe is seated comfortably, with his hands folded, and is unresponsive to Dave's attempts to visit for a moment. He seems to be deeply troubled, or possibly deaf. ••• Bubba Clinton is upset that Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico endorsed Barack Obama. / detour: Dave takes a moment to show off his new, old black dial desk phone. / the Governor on the phone: nothing but eating noises and grunts ••• Dave takes a moment to call for the number for Gunsmoke. He's just foolin'. ••• One of the big topics in the Presidential campaign has been who's best prepared to take a call about a crisis. / video:

"It's 3 A.M. and your children are sleeping. Suddenly a phone rings in the White House. How can you be sure that Hillary Clinton will be ready to answer that call? Because if she's elected President, she promises to stay awake 24 hours a day, 365 days per year, thanks to a steady diet of expresso, Red Bull® and some crazy Dutch amphetamines she got from Amy Winehouse. Hillary Clinton: No sleep til 2017."

4/02/08 [2898]: desk chat: As the owner of a pants company, Dave has certain expectations about his pants. When getting suited up for tonight's episode, he realized his britches were much too tight, somewhere or other. He thought he could hold his tummy in for an hour, and that would be it. When he got in the make-up chair, a button shot off the pants and killed an intern. ••• When you're running for office, you do things to prove you're a regular guy. Barack Obama went bowling the other day. He got a 37. / video: "Bowling: the Sport of Presidents":

"Through the years, bowling has proved to be one of the most popular sports among American Presidents. From Richard Nixon, who installed a bowling lane at the White House to Bill Clinton, who organized the White House's first all-nude bowling night." (Voice-over: "Normally, this is where we'd cut to hilarious footage of naked people bowling. Unfortunately, Late Show coordinating producer Kathy Mavrikakis won't let us use the footage, so instead, please enjoy this video of naked people playing tennis.") "This has been 'Bowling: the Sport of Presidents.' "

4/01/08 [2897]: monologue: Dave tells one too many John McCain "he's so old" jokes, and the Senator comes out to toss a few Dave's way. (I call it a draw.) ••• The Yankees were going to open yesterday. Nope. Rained out. Guess what happened today. / video: That's right. A giant, fire-breathing mutant turtle has set up housekeeping right by the stadium. ••• glass-breaking FX: a Tarzan yell ••• "A Word from Fixodent®" (with Alan Kalter) ••• Kathie Lee Gifford's returning to television on a little-known fourth hour of the Today show. / video: "Have you checked out the fourth hour of the Today show yet? Now you have more reason than ever to tune in, because we've just hired Kathie Lee Gifford to host! No, seriously... this isn't an April Fool's Day joke. The Today show: Completely bat**** crazy." ••• glass-breaking FX: a donkey ••• video: On today's Rachael Ray Show there was an animal guy, Jarod Miller, with a coatimundi. It chewed up Rachael's neck and she died, but she was OK afterward. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Government is not the solution to our problem. Government is the problem." 3. George W. Bush: "I'm proud to be his friend. I'm proud to be his supporter. And on Inauguration Day, I'll proud to be say to John McCain..." ••• "Small Town News" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Messages Left on the Pregnant Man's Answering Machine ••• Senator John McCain ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Wednesday on the Late Show" ••• more Senator McCain ••• Cat Power sing.

3/31/08 [2896]: desk chat: The pre-show chat didn't go well this evening. Dave referred to a gentleman's son as his daughter. ••• Jose Canseco's on tonight to talk about 'roids in baseball. Dave shows his "before" and "after" 'roids pictures. ••• Since Raul Castro took over for Fidel, he has loosened things up a bit. / video:

"Attention citizens of Cuba: President Raul Castro is pleased to announce an end to some excessive restrictions that have long been imposed upon you. First, Cubans may now purchase computers, DVD players and cell phones. Second, Cubans may now stay in resort hotels that were previously reserved exclusively for foreigners. And third, every Thursday is now Cuban 'sandwich' night at Raul's place. Please... no hombres. Raul Castro: Let's do this thing."

"Hillary Clinton says she 'misremembered' being under sniper fire during a 1996 trip to Bosnia, and acknowledges that she 'misspoke' when describing the danger involved. But unlike Hillary, there is one Presidential candidate who doesn't have to exaggerate the risks he has taken in going to some of the most dangerous, violent and horrifying places known to man." (Cue clip from The View.) "Barack Obama: To hell and back."

3/28/08: REPEAT FROM 2/15/08

3/27/08: REPEAT FROM 1/31/08

3/26/08 [2895]: HBO has a great show on John Adams. It got us to thinking about what if George W. Bush had been a founding father. / video: "August 7, 1787. Philadelphia. During today's session of the Constitutional Convention, George W. Bush mistook his powdered wig for a kitty. He proceeded to stroke it, kiss it and announced to his shocked compatriots he was naming it 'Maxine.' This has been 'What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?' " ••• Today's Secret Ingredient: trout ••• interruption: glass breaking sound effect: the old NBC network ID tones ••• video: "In January, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson withdrew from the race for the Democratic Presidential nomination. But now, after two months of intensive soul searching, he is ready to make a stunning announcement to the American people: 'I just realized that I am fat.' " (another "Late Show Unfair Edit") "Bill Richardson: He is fat." ••• desk chat: Dave says he took four-year-old Harry to the aquarium. There were a lot of kids with their parents. There was an adorable girl, about four. She was very cute, and she was huge. She waddled around, and periodically she went over to one of the fish tanks, grabbed a fish and gobbled it up. They were asked to leave. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: dribbles a basketball (and loses it) ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. Dentistry is the fifth-most-trusted profession. Dave mentions that the most-trusted profession is talk show hosting. (interruption: David Letterman's wardrobe is provided by Rochester's Big & Tall.) 2. Larry King got out of five marriages by divorce, and three more by an elaborate system of tunnels. 3. In Sydney, Australia's Hyde Park, tourists can ride on a kangaroo-drawn carriage.] (At this point Paul gets mixed up on the airdate for tonight's program, as he refers to tomorrow as Saturday.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much NCAA Basketball ••• Brian Williams ••• ["Will It Float?" / It's an extremely rare Wednesday "Will It Float?" / Dave shows the home game. / Alan Kalter (TV's Sheriff Bradford) says we're testing a 50-pound bag of coal. It's anthracite (the harder kind), in a woven plastic bag. / We're playing for a hot tub! / Dave is confident. He says sink. Paul says sink. / Anna Jack's on hula hoops. Kiva Kahl is on grinder. Andrea Sande and Ruté have float tank duty. / It sinks!] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show" ••• Judy Greer plugs Miss Guided. ••• outside cam: Statue of Liberty ••• Langhorne Slim sings.

3/25/08 [2894]: desk chat: Dave's still stewing about tick fever after his March 17 tick incident. He's learned that there may be no symptoms until death ensues. At this point he doesn't have the bullseye rash. The North American viewing public remains hopeful for Dave's survival. ••• HBO has a blockbuster miniseries on John Adams, which gave the Late Show the idea for "What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?" / video: "July 4, 1776... Philadelphia. A glorious day, which saw the brave sons of liberty sign the Declaration of Independence. When it was George W. Bush's turn to sign, he instead stuck a bunch of plumes in his hair and ran around screaming, 'Look at me. I'm Chicken Boy.' This has been 'What if George W. Bush Had Been a Founding Father?' " ••• A couple of guys in their 90s in Florida got in trouble for hiring hookers. / video: "In Florida, a 93-year-old man was busted for soliciting a hooker. The sex fiend was instantly named Governor of New York. New York: Whoreville, USA." ••• interruption: Dave steps over to the newly-installed intercom. It's Jim. ••• New York Governor David Patterson has been telling everything naughty he's done. / video: He admits to using every imaginable drug and every possible indecent act, thanks to another "Late Show Unfair Edit." ••• outside cam: a helicopter ••• "Small Town News" / interruption: Dave daydreams about cookies. / more "Small Town News" ••• Top Ten US Airways Excuses (for a pilot's pistol accidentally firing on a flight) ••• Kate Bosworth plugs 21. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter has gone missing. A camera finds him in the basement, doing pull-ups. Dave tries to get his attention, but Alan wants no part of it. After all, he's close to CODE RED. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Wednesday on the Late Show" ••• John Witherspoon ••• The Raveonettes sing.

3/24/08 [2893]: cold open: Dave is filling out his NCAA men's basketball tournament bracket. He says, "I feel like I have March Madness," and wonders if Jude has it. Jude says, "I deal with a crazy man every day." ••• desk chat: Dave's still stewing about the tick he discovered on his back on March 17. In his pre-show visit, Dave asked audience members about tick fever. An audience lady had a tick once. Her doctor informed her it was menopause. ••• New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson has endorsed Barack Obama. / video: "Former Presidential candidate Bill Richardson is endorsing Senator Barack Obama for President. While Hillary Clinton is a fine candidate, Bill Richardson admires Senator Obama's vision, his communication skills and his inspiring energy. Also, Obama offered cookies, cake, pie and caramel corn. Bill Richardson: The fat one who dropped out." ••• Osama bin Laden keeps pestering us with his lousy video and audio messages. / audio: "We will bring vengeance on the infidel Europeans, who continue to publish blasphemous cartoons offending our faith. Also, al-Qaeda demands an end to the comic strip Garfield. Garfield is lazy and likes lasagna. OK... we get it. Enough. Death to America, and go Villanova!" ••• It's March Madness. In the first round, the Knicks were eliminated. Ball State wasn't invited, but Butler (from Indianapolis) got in, and got out of the first round. In the next game they lost by one point in overtime, Dave says. He intends to make some calls to see if he can get Butler back in. ••• Britney Spears was on How I Met Your Mother tonight. / video: "Tonight on CBS, things kick off when Britney Spears visits the gang on How I Met Your Mother. Then, on Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen goes whoring with Eliot Spitzer. CBS: Be there!" ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Harry S Truman: "...a full acceptance of the Potsdam Declaration, which specifies the unconditional surrender of Japan." 2. Dwight D. Eisenhower: "We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex." 3. George W. Bush: "Increased prosperity... it's mutually beneficial for Canada, the United States and, uh, America. I mean Mexico." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Alan Kalter has asked for some airtime. He gives a tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater, telling us about the architects, the builders and past occupants. Unexpectedly, Alan strolls into a restroom. Eventually we hear a flush. When questioned, Alan explains, "I'm sorry. I had to take a leak." ••• more on the Butler game: Dave announces that the NCAA has ordered an extra four minutes to be played. ••• Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying on You ••• Demi Moore plugs Flawless. / Dave shows a clip from 1/20/94, when a pregnant "Demi" turned cartwheels onstage. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tuesday on the Late Show" ••• desk chat: Regarding the leech treatment Demi described at length, Dave says, "I used to do a thing where I'd take off all my clothes, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow a live mouse." ••• chef Anthony Bourdain (interview) ••• Counting Crows sing.

3/21/08: REPEAT FROM 2/22/08

3/20/08: REPEAT FROM 2/06/08

3/19/08 [2892]: "Late Show Obvious Joke of the Night": ex-Governor Spitzer and McGreevey jokes ••• "Today's Secret Ingredient": ham! ••• interruption: camera trouble again / Legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett's been drinking beer. He thinks it's St. Patrick's Day. ••• New York City tap water has traces of prescription drugs. Everybody tries to cash in on news stories like this. Dave shows a bottle of Poland Spring® water with the label, "Now with Prozac and Lipitor." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 3. George W. Bush: "They want us to leave. That's what they want us to do. And I think the world would be better off if we did leave. If we didn't... if if if. If we left, the world would be worse." ••• ["Fun Facts" / 1. Julia Child died because she couldn't get the child-proof cap off her bottle of medication. 2. Hall's® briefly marketed a six-foot-long throat lozenge for giraffes. 3. Kraft® scientists have spent 30 years trying to make aerosol Swiss cheese with holes. 4. Due to an engraving error, all nickels produced in 1954 read "In Todd we trust."] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of "Battlestar Galactica" (presented onstage by Chief Petty Officer Galen Tyrol, D'Anna Biers, Dr. Gaius Baltar, Lt. Sharon Valerii, Number Six, Colonel Saul Tigh, Captain Lee "Apollo" Adama, Captain Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, President Laura Roslin and Admiral William Adama) ••• Brooke Shields plugs Lipstick Jungle. ••• The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow, and Alan Kalter has requested a bit of airtime to express his thoughts on the matter. It seems that he's had a fair amount of trouble with Mrs. Kalter getting friendly with various professional basketball players. Alan takes a walk after his rant. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show" ••• Seth Meyers plugs Saturday Night Live ••• The Gutter Twins sing.

3/18/08 [2891]: desk chat: Dave has a few more comments on yesterday's tick situation. Only part of the tick was removed, so Dave had to do last night's show with the living head of a tick in him. Dr. Louis J. Aronne rushed over after the show, and he removed the remaining tick parts. ••• It's tax time. Dave shows the New York state tax form. We focus on item #5: Income earned by having sex with the Governor. ••• "Today's Secret Ingredient": spinach! ••• John McCain has been in Iraq this week. Osama bin Laden has a few "he's so old" jokes at the Senator's expense. / video:

"Al-Qaeda denounces the visit to Iraq by the evil crusader, John McCain. Also, McCain is so old, when he was in school there was no history class. McCain is so old he took his driver's test on a dinosaur. McCain is so old, his Social Security number is 1."

3/17/08 [2890]: desk chat: Dave was changing clothes upstairs before the big show, and he discovered a tick on his person. "It was the size of my fist," Dave reports. Make-up artist Michelle O'Callaghan volunteered to either remove the varmint or put a little powder on it. Eventually Dave displays the deceased tick, which appears to be approximately 3/16". ••• Dave shows his Emperors Club membership card. (The Emperors Club is the whorehouse that got Governor Spitzer in so much trouble last week.) / Dave says if you fly American Airlines using the card, you'll get extra whorepoints. ••• "Today's Secret Ingredient": peanuts! ••• John McCain is in Iraq today. Some say the trip is for political advantage. / video: "Many pundits say John McCain's visit to Iraq is an attempt to boost his foreign policy credentials before the election. Other say he's trying to get a headstart on his Presidency. But once again, the cynics are wrong. The aging Senator simply got confused at the airport, and accidentally boarded the wrong plane while embarking on a vacation to Branson, Missouri. John McCain: He is old." ••• We had trouble last week with ex-Governor Spitzer. There's a report now that New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, his wife and aide had three-way sexual activities. Wanting to reassure the critics in his state, the Governor of Pennsylvania has this to say. / video: "Last week, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer announced his resignation after being caught patronizing a prostitution ring. Now it has been revealed that former New Jersey Governor, Jim McGreevey, and his wife had three-ways with a former aide. In light of all these shocking sexual scandals, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell would like his constituents to know that he freely and openly nails staffers, interns, whores, dudes, transvestite whores with elderly... you name it. Ed Rendell: He's into some freaky _ _ _ _, too." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 3. George W. Bush: "Because they, they, they, they will be..." ••• "Small Town News" ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade / mid-TTL: Dave pulls a spider out of his pants. ••• interruption: window-breaking sound effect: Dave Johnson's "... and down the stretch they come!" ••• Rainn Wilson plugs The Office. ••• Dave has received a note. / video: "In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperor's Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name Client 9. But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 4½, if you know what I'm saying. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whorefiend." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tuesday on the Late Show" ••• Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg plug Mike and Mike in the Morning on ESPN. ••• Bell X1 sing.

3/14/08 [2889]: Drugs have been found in New York City's tap water. / video: "Much of America's tap water has been found to contain drugs such as Ibuprofen, Naproxen, Carbamazepine, Monensin and Sulfmethoxazole. Thanks, dude. Amy Winehouse: Leadership America can trust." ••• Dave Letterman Action News promo: "Coming up next on Action News, you'll hear the amazing story of an area blind man and his seeing eye dog, who both shot a hole-in-one on the same round of golf. That's coming up on Action News Fouuurrrr!" ••• We have a brand new segment, "Gettin' Down with Larry King." / video: Janet Jackson tries to teach Larry a dance move. ••• John McCain needs a running mate. / video: "John McCain has secured the Republican Presidential nomination, and is now considering a running mate. No decision has been made yet, but voters can rest assured that his pick will encompass the wisdom of his former colleague, William Jennings Bryan, the experience of his mentor, Woodrow Wilson, and the brilliance of his late friend, Thomas Edison. John McCain: He's very old." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "Yesterday I went to the Caterpillar® plant in Peoria, Illinois, where they make big bulldozers." ••• ["Fun Facts": 1. The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets. 2. Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first. 3. The most-popular entree in Asia is Gorton's® Panda Sticks™. 4. Benjamin Franklin coined the term fun bags. 5. Jesse and Frank James had an older brother, Cooper, who suffered an injury in high school and never became an outlaw. 6. Two of Jesus's 12 apostles were temps.] ••• desk chat: Dave makes fun of his somewhat-dated telephone. ••• Top Ten Signs Your College Basketball Team Is Not Going to Make the NCAA Tournament / Dave calls for a replay on #5, in which he mistakenly said, "Team let shot cock expire because they enjoy the buzz." ••• Jaime Pressly plugs Horton Hears a Who!. ••• ["Will It Float?" / Dave shows the home game, which has "everything in one box there for you and your family to have just as much fun as we do every Friday night here in the theater." / Alan Kalter (TV's Howie Mandel) says it's a can of Pillsbury® Creamy Supreme cake frosting. It's not aerosol. It's just a can of cake frosting, and the can is both plastic and cardboard. It's one pound (16-ounce). / We're playing for a new motorcycle! / At this point Dave calls back an earlier joke by picking up his aged telephone to order a Rubik's cube. / Dave says float. Paul says it will float initially, but wonders if we can leave it in long enough so the cardboard will get waterlogged, and the cake mix mixes with the water and gets heavy and then sinks. Dave says we're not doing that. "Under those conditions," Paul says, "I say it will float." / Dave asks Alan if he wants to play. "Sure," Alan answers, "but I know what's going to happen. I've tested it. I was in rehearsal." Dave says Alan can't play. / The scrim rises. Anna Jack is on hula hoops. Kiva Kahl's on grinder duty. Ruté and Andrea Sande are on float tank duty. / It floats!] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Monday on the Late Show" ••• Dave picks up his aging phone and pretends to call for Into the Night tickets, with Rick Dees. ••• Dave says Oprah is a monument and a visionary. Now she has a store. / video:

"New York City... home of the world's finest restaurants, theaters and sightseeing attractions. There's just one thing it's been missing... until now... the Dave Store." (Cue video from the new store.) "Here at the Dave Store, you'll find a wonderland of merchandise inspired by America's seventh-favorite late night talk show host, from hats and shirts to meat and firearms. Plus, in our makeover booth, we can even make you look like Dave." (Cue terrifying shots of young boys who look like Dave.) "The Dave Store. It's all inside."

3/13/08 [2888]: desk chat: Dave talks about pre-show pants problems and his negotiations with Sue Hum. ••• Today, one day before his 60^th birthday, Billy Crystal, who signed to a one-day contract with the New York Yankees, got to the plate as a designated hitter. / video of Billy playing outfield: An unknown player runs through a wall. ••• Dave shows a brand new version of the $5 bill. There's a new security feature. Dave squeezes ketchup from the bill. ••• American Idol has a fancy new set. / video: Ryan Seacrest is vaporized. ••• Dave says it's nice not to have a governor named Spitzer anymore. You can't take a prostitute across a state line. Spitzer put them on Amtrak. / video:

"Of all the mistakes allegedly made by Eliot Spitzer, the biggest one was that he bought train tickets to transport prostitutes between New York City and Washington, D. C., when he could have saved big money by going Greyhound. Why pay Amtrak hundreds of dollars when Greyhound's Hooker Express offers fares as low as $35? We'll get your hooker to you in comfort and style. And, with the money you save, you can treat yourself to even more dirty whore sex. Plus, for a limited time only, when you buy your hooker a regular-priced ticket, pimps ride free. Greyhound: Leave the whore driving to us."

3/12/08 [2887]: desk chat: Dave announces that Harry went to a birthday party today, where he won Simon Says. ••• It's just been learned that there are traces of drugs in New York City drinking water. / video: "A recent investigation found that New York's water supply contains trace amounts of at least 15 pharmaceutical drugs, including Amoxicillin, Tetracycline and Viagra. Viagra: the fuel that keeps the Spitzer spitzin'!" ••• Dave shows an iPod. Now there are reports that some iPods are shooting sparks. The geniuses at Apple® had a great idea. Dave shows the iLighter. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If life hands you gators, make Gatorade®. ••• The Vatican has updated the list of sinful behavior. / video: "By degree of Pope Benedict XVI, the following shall be considered new violations of God's law: circumventing basic rights of human nature through genetic manipulation, the use of drugs that weaken the mind and cloud intelligence, the imbalance between the rich and the poor, and skipping Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster®. It only happens once a year. Don't miss it. Tell them Benedict sent you to receive a complimentary garlic shrimp scampy. This has been a Vatican Sin Update." ••• Dave hates to burden us with the Eliot Spitzer nonsense, but listen to this. The more we find out, the uglier and nastier it becomes. / video: "In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperor's Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name Client 9. But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 4½, if you know what I mean. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whorefiend." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. John F. Kennedy: "And therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words Ich bin ein Berliner." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: joking with German Chancellor Angela Merkel about hamburgers ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Surprises During Eliot Spitzer's Resignation ••• Charlize Theron plugs Sleepwalking. ••• Gerard Mulligan, as Eliot Spitzer, takes questions from the audience. / Alan Kalter interrupts to remind us about all the adult novelties at kalterworld.com. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show" ••• Lewis Black ••• British Sea Power sing.

3/11/08 [2886]: desk chat: Dave has a lengthy rant about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's prostitution problem. It seems that Gov. Spitzer was transferring so much money to prostitutes that bank reporting laws kicked in. He was caught in a wiretap, because the government thought he might be the victim of extortion. ••• Dave announces that once again, the CBS Orchestra was the house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, with Paul Shaffer as musical director. ••• "Heidi Fleiss Always a Lady" (Heidi being interviewed by ABC News) ••• Lost is always playing tricks on you. / video: A man opens a wall safe and removes a videotape labeled "Red Sox." It's actually a Regis Philbin exercise tape. ••• A scalper, in dark clothing and a stocking cap, appears in front of the backdrop, getting Dave's attention. "Dude," he says, "Snoop Dogg. Row C." Dave declines the tickets, as Mr. Dogg will be appearing on his very own program in about 45 minutes. Always prepared with the latest in ticket needs, the man says, "Spitzer resignation." Dave bites on that offer. As he begins to complete the illicit transaction, the ever-alert scalper hollers, "Heat," and scampers away. (The scalper, as always, was portrayed by Michael Z. McIntee.) ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Harry S Truman: "The free nations have learned the fateful lesson of the thirties. That lesson is that aggression must be met firmly." 2. William J. Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America." 3. George W. Bush: "What you probably want to know is the three words I'm not gonna tell you. (The President raises his right hand and counts with his fingers to five, while saying "I'm _ not _ going _ to_ tell _ you." (Cue buzzer sound.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows a copy of a New York Times headline: "Resignation of Spitzer not likely today. State in limbo." ••• Top Ten Messages Left on Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine ••• Martha Stewart plugs Martha. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Wednesday on the Late Show ••• desk chat: Dave says Governor Spitzer is set to resign on Wednesday. ••• Snoop Dogg interview ••• Snoop Dogg sings.

3/10/08 [2885]: The governor of New York was accused today of involvement with a prostitution ring. / on the phone: Eliot Spitzer (who sounds like Fidel's brother, Raul) says, "Hi, everybody. It's me, the Love Gov. I just want everyone to know everything's just fine, and I look forward to continuing to whore it up in Albany." ••• The primaries in Florida and Michigan may have to be done over. / video: "In order to properly assign delegates, some Democrats want to restage the Florida and Michigan primaries. If we're going to redo elections, how about all 50 states hold the 2004 Presidential election again?" (Cue picture of George W. Bush spitting on the White House lawn.) "A message from everyone." ••• "Channel 11 Weather Update" / video from Pompton Plains in Morris, County, N.Y.: "The snow has been coming down at a fairly steady clip for about an hour and a half now. Take a look over here on the roadway. Just in the last half hour or so, the flakes have begun to stick on the ass _ _ _ _ ... uh, asphalt." ••• desk chat: Dave starts to talk about Eliot Spitzer's options. We notice that the camera has dropped. We can no longer see Dave's noggin. (Cut to a shot of legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett, putting on his coat.) "I'm just tired of listening to this bull _ _ _ _," Dave grumbles. ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Franklin D. Roosevelt: "This nation will remain a neutral nation, but I cannot ask that every American remain neutral in thought." 2. John F. Kennedy: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard." 3. George W. Bush: "There's no, no border's been withdrawn, in that sense, uh, Stretch. It's uh, it's a uh... Kosovo's a, uh..." ••• Alan Kalter with a Big Show Highlight ••• Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Excuses ••• Dave introduces Jim Carrey, and a minute or two go by with no arrival. Dave eventually heads backstage and out the 53rd St. entrance, to find Jim Carrey in a bathrobe, signing autographs under the watchful eye of Bill DeLace. Mr. Carrey hurries in for his guest appearance, hiding behind the guest chairs as his manservant, Lance, helps him change into street clothes. Jim hands his semiautomatic pistol to Dave for safekeeping. It's not a big deal that he came to the show armed, he says, because he's not a very good shot. Later we meet Jim's body double, Dolph. ••• ["Late Show Prize Giveaway" / Alan Kalter says we're playing for a Sharp® 50" LCD TV, a Sony® PlayStation 3 or $1,000 in cash. / The scrim rises. Pat Farmer spins the prize wheel. As it spins down, it also changes its rotation. We'll give this another try next week.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Tuesday on the Late Show" ••• Paula Abdul interview

3/07/08: REPEAT FROM 1/07/08

3/06/08: REPEAT FROM 1/15/08

3/05/08: REPEAT FROM 1/10/08

3/04/08: REPEAT FROM 2/08/08

3/03/08: REPEAT FROM 2/07/08

2/29/08 [2884]: desk chat: Dave shows a note from the producers: "Don't vomit." Paul wonders if he's "feeling fluish." ••• An audience man gets a dinner certificate because he claims it's his birthday. ••• It's February 29, to keep the calendar synchronized. / video: "Because it's a leap year, there's an extra day in the month of February. Unfortunately, this extra day means an extra 24 hours with this guy." (Cue video of George W. Bush on the White House lawn, spitting out gum.) "A message from the White House. We're sorry." ••• [glass breaking FX: Barry White saying, "Ohhh, Baby." ••• Ralph Nader is running for President again. You have to admire his public service. On Sunday on Meet the Press, he announced that he's running. / video:

"Many people are asking Ralph Nader why he's running for President. The answer is simple. He's running because he believes our two-party system is outdated. He's running because he wants to see real change in America. And he's running because he's hoping to get some of that hot lobbyist sex like McCain. It doesn't matter if you're blonde or brunette, young or old, liberal or conservative. He'll even consider a dude at this point. Ralph Nader: Nadering it up since 1934."

2/28/08 [2883]: There's been ongoing speculation on whether Mayor Michael Bloomberg would run for President. / video:

"After much deliberation, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has decided not to run for President of the United States. While America is clearly ready for its first woman President or its first African American President, it is unfortunately not ready for its first President who is so cute you just want to put him in your pocket and take him home." (Cue photo of the Mayor.) "Michael Bloomberg: Who's cute? You are! Yes, you are!"

"Are you a college student interested in a career in politics? Then apply to be a summer intern position at Senator Larry Craig's office. Applicants must have a GPA of 3.5 or higher, be proficient in Microsoft Excel® and Powerpoint®..." (Cue photos of male models.) "have a distinguished brow, firm-set jaw, strong but knowing hands, brown, rippling biceps, abs sculpted and toned to perfection, and flowing, flaxen hair, cascading gently over broad, tanned, sinewy shoulders. The Larry Craig Congressional Internship. Gain hands-on experience from the Senator."

2/27/08 [2882]: Barack Obama told Entertainment Tonight yesterday that he'd like Will Smith to play him in a movie. / video:

"In a recent interview, Barack Obama said that the actor who could best portray him onscreen is Will Smith. Similarly, when John McCain was asked who would be best-suitted to portray him in a movie, the Senator said a 150-year-old Galapagos tortoise." (Cue split screen of the Senator and a turtle.) "John McCain: He is old."

"Despite recent ominous financial reports and dismal economic indicators, President Bush would like to make it clear to all Americans that the United States is merely in a slowdown, not a recession. Just like the situation in Iraq is a setback, not a defeat. And just like he is a moron, not an idiot. George W. Bush: Only 327 days left."

2/26/08 [2881]: Ray Benson sitting in with the CBSO ••• Diet Coke® had a contest to win Heidi Klum's Oscars dress, and we have the winner with us tonight: Shecky comes out in a dress. It was just as creepy as you're imagining. ••• It's been announced that Southern Methodist University will host the George W. Bush Presidential Library. / video: "Southern Methodist University is proud to announce they have been named as the future home of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The state-of-the-art facility will house a public policy institute, artifacts from President Bush's childhood and a library containing President Bush's favorite books." (Cue picture of three books.) "Southern Methodist University: Go for the gusto." ••• Raul Castro took over for Fidel, who wants to spend more time torturing his family. Once again, we have Raul on the phone: We hear Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol, reporting birds and monkeys all over the place. / Then we hear the "real" Raul: "Hi, everybody. It's me, Raul. Guess what? Everybody gets a free cigar! For a complete wrap-up of this year's Academy Awards fashion hit and misses, visit my blog at redcarpetraul.com." (Cue dial tone.) ••• The New York Philharmonic performed in North Korea today. They played the North Korean and U. S. national anthems. / audio: the theme from Sanford and Son ••• The controversy bewteen Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama rages out of control. Clinton's campaign put out a picture of Obama wearing native Somali elder clothing. / video: We see examples of other politicians in local costumes, including George W. Bush in a turkey costume. / "George W. Bush: Still America's cutest president." ••• "A Day in the Life of Fidel Castro" ••• Top Ten Ralph Nader Campaign Promises ••• Courteney Cox plugs Dirt. ••• Thomas Friedman ••• Chingy, with Ludacris, sing.

2/25/08 [2880]: desk chat: Dave refers to an audience guy's pre-show question, "What's the deal with Worldwide Pants?" ••• [audio FX: "The Crusher" by The Novas (many more to come tonight)] ••• All the acting Oscars went to non-Americans last night. Here we see Mr. Osama bin Laden with his acceptance speech:

"I'm sorry I can't be there to accept this award in person, but I'm on location in Kabul filming a romantic comedy with Muqtada al-Sadr and Debra Messing. Anyway, I'd like to thank three of my five wives, my friend and partner Ayman al-Zawahiri for always believing in me, my fabulous director, Norman Jewison..." (Cue hurry-up music.) "Oh, crap! Don't play me off yet! And Hal Holbrook. You deserve this award more than I do, Hal. God bless you all, and death to America."

2/22/08 [2879]: hanging around backstage: Victoria Shaffer (14) and her friend, Lorena (Apparently Lorena's a fan of tonight's guest, Diddy.) (Dave announced Victoria's birth on Late Night on April 7, 1993.) ••• There's a movie about a high school kid who has power to teleport himself by jumping. / video: "David Rice has the amazing ability to teleport anywhere in the world. Now he finds himself hunted by a deadly enemy who forces him to teleport to a place no man should ever go." (Cue clip from The View.) "Jumper: Now playing." ••• Barbara Gaines interrupts Dave to get him on the phone. That's right. It's Jeff Altman as Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol. ••• blue-card-through-window sound effect: "The Crusher" by The Novas ••• Dave finds an envelope. Curious, he opens it and reads, "The Academy Award goes to No Country for Old Men. ••• A German travel agency offers a naked flight. There are certain considerations. / video:

"Thank you for choosing us for your nude flying needs. Please note that the following are prohibited:

• suggestive references to the cockpit,
• remarks about putting anything other than your tray table in the upright and locked position,
• asking female passengers if you may use their flotation devices,
• asking flight attendants for help with your sack of nuts,
• bragging that you got past security with a tool longer than seven inches.

Thank you, and enjoy your flight."

2/21/08 [2878]: [Ashley from Chicago plays "Know Your Athletes Accused of Taking Steroids." / Stephanie Birkitt delivers dinner certificates. Mark Guthrie from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your Tainted Meat." Kristen from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your Current Events."] ••• Dave tries doing some hand shadows. ••• New Cuban dictator Raul Castro is on the phone. / audio: "Hi, everybody. It's me, Raul, the brother of America's favorite Commie! Remember, this Sunday in Hollywood, Oscar is king," he reminds us. (Dial tone.) ••• Dave does another hand shadow: the Eiffel tower. ••• Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan / clip from Chris and Gerry's Kitchen Nightmares (with Sue Hum and chef Eric Ripert) ••• Steve Martin plugs his new book, Born Standing Up. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Friday on the Late Show" ••• more Steve Martin ••• Raymond Crowe does hand shadows.

2/20/08 [2877]: cold open: Dave and Jude / Jude reads about the spy satellite that was shot down tonight. Dave hollers and runs out. ••• Fidel Castro retired yesterday. His brother's in charge of the dictating now. / on the phone: Raul Castro: "Set your phasers to fun." ••• 143,000 million pounds of tainted beef was recalled this week. Many restaurants are trying to distance themselves from the tainted beef. / video:

"This week the government issued a recall on 143 million pounds of beef. So if you're feeling hungry but want to avoid tainted beef, come to the Hello Deli, for a wonderland of tainted meats to choose from. We've got tainted chicken, tainted pork, tainted fish, tainted lamb. We've even got tainted whatever-the-hell-this-thing-is." (Cue picture of an adorable lemur on a branch.) "We don't know where it came from, but your kids are sure to love it. The Hello Deli: No rules. Just tainted meat."

Hillary looked like a shoo-in for the Democratic nomination. Then Barack Obama developed momentum. Dave saw an odd announcement today. / video: "Hillary Clinton's losing streak has now hit 10. Welcome to the club." (Cue New York Knicks logo.) "A Message from the New York Knicks." ••• Presidential endorsements have been rolling in since George Bush endorsed John McCain. Another prominent figure has endorsed the Senator. / video: "John McCain would like to extend his sincerest thanks to former President George H. W. Bush for his endorsement on Monday. Senator McCain would also like to say thanks for the other endorsement he received that day, from professional wrestling legend Wladek 'Killer' Kowalski." (Cue picture of Barbara Bush.) "Killer Kowalski: Doing the hammerlock forever." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" / 1. Bill Clinton: "There is nothing wrong with America than cannot be cured by what is right with America." 2. Ronald Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." 3. George W. Bush: "Thanks for bringin' the girls!" ••• video: clip from the new show on VH1, Paul Shaffer's Rock of Love ••• Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse present their Top Ten Martha Stewart and Emeril Lagasse Dinner Party Tips. ••• Dave competes with Erika Jensen, who on Feb. 11 won the National Grocers Association's International Best Bagger Competition. Erica works for Macey's Supermarket in West Jordan, Utah. / Dave didn't realize Biff was going to start them with a pistol, and he gets mad at Biff. Dave cheats extensively and ties the champ. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs Snow Angels. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Thursday on the Late Show" ••• more Amy Sedaris ••• Foo Fighters sing.

2/19/08 [2876]: 143,000 million pounds of tainted beef was recalled this week by the USDA. / Dave shows how bad it's gotten. The picture on a can of Chef Boyardee® Beef Ravioli has the chef passed out (or possibly dead... he's horizontal, regardless). ••• interruption: "The Crusher" by The Novas ••• A spy satellite with tons of toxic fuel is going to be shot out of space before it crashes. We have a simulation from the Air Force: Aegis Ballistic Missile Defense System Test: The missile misses the spacecraft by a couple of feet and vaporizes the moon. ••• "It'll all be alright," Dave says. / video: "A malfunctioning U.S. spy satellite will soon fall to earth. In order to prevent possible damage or injury on the ground, the federal government will safely shoot it down. (Cut to a photo of the Vice-President.) "Dick Cheney: Locked and Loaded." / Cut to writer Bill Scheft at Late Show headquarters, gnawing on a burger, who says, "Hi! I'm Late Show writer Bill Scheft. I'm sorry about that extremely old, tired Dick Cheney reference. My judgment was impaired when I ate some bad beef. Recalled beef: the hot, new comedy reference. Watch for it." / voiceover: "This message has been sponsored by the League of Women Voters." ••• When Fidel Castro wasn't feeling well, his brother, Raul, took over. Coincidentally, Dave's brother, Raul, is standing by in case anything happens to him. / video: Dave as Raul, with a big mustache and one of those third-world dictator outfits, waves at us. ••• "Fidel Castro's Career Highlights" ••• after commercial: Dave asks Sid McGinnis why on earth he shaved off the bottom of his beard, leaving huge sideburns. I don't think we got a straight answer. ••• Top Ten Reasons Fidel Castro Is Retiring ••• "Let's Talk About the Candidates" / Biff's in the audience to take a question or two. The first participant is Kathy Ewell from Maywood, New Jersey. When Dave mentions that Fidel Castro resigned, a male audience member becomes distraught and agitated. He rises from his seat, ranting in disbelief, and beats three staffers severely about the face and torso before exiting the theater. "He's my favorite Commie!" exclaims the poor fellow. ••• Randy Jackson plugs American Idol. ••• "The Millionaire Matchmaker," Todd Pendleton (one of the show's regular bogus guests) is reduced to sobbing like a bunny after a few innocent questions from Dave. He takes a powder. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for future shows: "Call the cops. It's gonna be nuts!" ••• Saffron Burrows plugs The Bank Job. ••• Ray Davies sings.

2/18/08 [2875]: desk chat: Dave complains that someone threw a microphone at him during the audience questions. There were some tense moments, as it bounced off his femur! ••• Dave's worried about the tainted beef. He shows us one of those sealed packages of ground beef with a pocket comb stuck right in the meat. ••• Barbara Gaines comes over with a blue card to notify Dave that footage of the microphone accident is available. Dave asks her to take a bow. ••• video: clip of Dave being hit by the microphone / Guess what? He got hit because he was twirling the mic by its cord. Close examination of the clip reveals that Dave was hit in the fibula... not the femur. ••• [interruption: We enjoy a few bars from a peppy little song. (Edit): I dug into iTunes and thought it was "The Hammerlock," from the album "Gravy" by the Shrunken Heads. The minute I posted this, I got taken to school. Mr. Tony Calguire of The Internet informed me it was "The Crusher," by The Novas. Then Michael Z. McIntee included the lyrics in the Feb. 18 Wahoo Gazette. The song I found was similar, but wrong. So there you have it.] ••• "A Presidential Minute": "In 1814, President James Madison came down with consumption, rendering him temporarily unable to fulfill his duties. Due to a little-known provision of the Constitution that was later remedied, the Presidency went to his dog, Rusty, who ably served as Commander-in-Chief for nearly three months. This has been 'A Presidential Minute.' " ••• interruption: A scalper appears in front of the backdrop to sell Dave tickets to last week's dog show. When that's turned down, Mr. Scalper says, "Dude... monkey show." "Oh, I'd kind of like to go to that," Dave exclaims. As he approaches, the enterpreneur shouts, "Heat!" and scampers away. (The part of the scalper was portrayed by the Wahoo's own Michael Z. McIntee.) ••• Another blockbuster Indiana Jones movie is coming in the spring. We began with Raiders of the Lost Ark, then we had Indiana Jones and the Revenge of the Cyst. Now the trailer for the newest Indiana Jones movie is in theaters. / video: "He protected the power of the divine. He saved the cradle of civilization. He triumphed over the armies of evil. Now, Indiana Jones faces his toughest task yet: finding the centuries-old skull that holds the key to our very existence." (Cue Larry King: "Reno, Nevada. Hello.") "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. In theaters May 22nd." ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches": 1. Lyndon B. Johnson: "I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your President." 2. Jimmy Carter: "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America." 3. George W. Bush: "Uhh. Step one is you know... I guess you've gotta..." ••• tonight's "broken glass" sound effect: "The Crusher" ••• "Small Town News" ••• Dennis Quaid plugs Vantage Point. ••• Johnny Dark in "Johnny Lincoln Tonight" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for tomorrow's episode ••• Daytona 500 winner Ryan Newman ••• Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings sing.

2/15/08 [2874]: (For the record: Paul Shaffer is wearing a red and black plaid jacket tonight.) ••• Those rascally Germans got the bright idea that for Valentine's Day they'd offer a naked flight. / video:

"Thank you for choosing us for your nude flying needs. Please note that the following are prohibited:

• suggestive references to the cockpit,
• remarks about putting anything other than your tray table in the upright and locked position,
• asking female passengers if you may use their flotation devices,
• asking flight attendants for help with your sack of nuts, and
• bragging that you got past security with a tool longer than seven inches.

Thank you, and enjoy your flight."