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1/03/11 [3421]: I was just thinking, did Dave go through tonight's program without a single utterance of "El Blizzardo Grande?" ••• It's the first telecast of 2011, and time for Dave's resolutions:

  1. I'm going to eat more salads.
  2. I'm going to stop running to the emergency room every time I have a heart attack.
  3. I'm going to try to arrange a gallery showing of my clown paintings.
  4. I'm going to quit making jokes about Jay Leno, but like Jay... I may not quit for too long.
Dave says we're the only species that goes through the wasted time of making resolutions. ••• New York City is starting to pick up the trash after a two-foot snowfall last week. / video:
(clips): snow shovelers and a truck stuck in snow

(voice-over): "With snow removal now complete, New York City is ready to pick up garbage once again. To help make the process more efficient, New Yorkers are asked to place garbage from July through September at the front of the pile. We'll be back in April to pick up garbage from October through December. And please remember to bag recyclables separately. Then just put them with the rest of the trash to be thrown away."

(photo): New York City seal

(voice-over): "A message from New York City: The last unspoiled place."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some random thoughts about the big New Year's Eve celebration hosted by Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (the universal prototype for male cheerleader). Ryan interviewed one female who might be some sort of celebrity. Her resolution was, "I'm going to try not to be a douche bag." (Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah horn for this quote.) And when that ball comes down... hang onto your wigs and keys. That baby may have dropped 20 feet. ••• Dave's advice for the new year: "But seriously to you kids out there, if you're thinking about how to improve yourselves for the coming year, be less of a douche bag." (Late Show aaoogah horn again) ••• Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Brian Williams comes in loaded with comedy. He wants to tell us about his most recent air travel, and the inspection of his person by a TSA employee. They gave "Dave and The Twins" quite a good inspection, if you know what I mean. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Paula Abdul plugs the upcoming premiere of Live to Dance, on CBS. Dave once again is disciplined with the Late Show aaoogah horn for referring to Simon Cowell as a douche bag. ••• with credits: photo of Ryan Seacrest ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/04/11 [3422]: monologue: Thousands of small, deceased black birds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas around New Year's Day. Several dozen phony black bird carcasses fall to the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Dave believes it's a delivery for Rupert's Hello Deli. He amuses himself by tossing most of them to lucky audience members. We'd better not see any of these on eBay, people! ••• monologue: Continuing from yesterday, Dave itemizes even more resolutions for 2011:

  1. Eat more salads.
  2. Spend less time in the basement with the trains.
  3. Speak up more at my book club.
  4. Admit that I'm a hoarder, and get help.
  5. Start a patio heater rental company.
  6. Find a way to get rid of all these dead birds.
  7. Sit down and watch the Focker trilogy.
  8. Clear up the mystery about my birth certificate.
••• New York City had El Blizzardo Grande on Dec. 27, which fouled up transportation and services somethin' awful. Alan Kalter's buried in trash bags. We can only see his head. The Sanitation Department will have the trash out in a couple of weeks. "It stinks of death over here, Dave," Alan reports. ••• Paula Abdul's Live to Dance premiered tonight on CBS. / promo video:
(clip of Paula)

(voice-over): "Tuesday on CBS, Paula Abdul returns in Live to Dance. Thousands of contestants auditioned, but only one will win the title of America's Best Dancer, a half-million-dollar-prize, and a role in a real Broadway musical."

(clip of Spider-Man falling onto a dancer, as a real actor did in Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark on Dec. 20)

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Live to Dance: Only on CBS."

••• Oprah Winfrey has just started her new network, OWN.
(clip of Oprah and graphics)

(voice-over): "Oprah Winfrey is proud to introduce the new Oprah Winfrey Network. At 8:00, experience the pulse-pounding excitement of Mic Check."

(audio technician): "Check 1, 2, Oprah, Oprah..."

(voice-over): "At 9:00, catch Screaming Nut Job Crazy Hour."

(clips): screaming nut jobs

(voice-over): "And at 10:00, don't miss Backwards Oprah."

(clip): Oprah talking backward

(voice-over): "OWN: Where you are the viewer."

••• desk chat: 1. Dave shows us that the birds' wings are on backward. 2. He first thought the birds happening was perpetrated by high school kids. 3. Dave compliments Oprah for building a girls' school in Africa. Anyway, her accountant told her she had all the money, so she started the network. Before Oprah's shows, the staff all gather in the control and hold hands. (Dave's only been in the control room twice, he claims. We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. Still have our hands full cleaning up Charlie Sheen's hotel room. ••• Tim McGraw plugs Country Strong. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to the Late Show's own Al Chez. Al's playing a valve trombone tonight. It looks new, but Al has played it on the show before. It has no slide. Al's a great guy. I've met him, so I know these things! ••• "Late Show Intern Profile": Alan Kalter introduces us to new intern James Madejski, a dramatic writing major at SUNY-Purchase, who stands expressionless onstage. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Want to ask Dave a question on Twitter? Go to the Late Show Twitter account, twitter.com/Late_Show and use the hashtag #ASKDAVE. There isn't a chance in hell he will answer it. Stay with us, Cyrus." ••• outside cam: an awesome shot of the Empire State Building ••• Shaquille O'Neal of the Celtics, who complains that Dave (almost) never calls him ••• Keri Hilson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/05/11 [3423]: Photoshop fun: We see a small, deceased blackbird on Donald Trump's nest of hair. ••• John Boehner was sworn in as Speaker of the House today. / video: A weepy Speaker blows his nose. ••• New York City sponsored El Blizzardo Grande on December 27. Trash removal was delayed. / Photoshop fun: Stuffed-full trash bags are piled up almost to the top of the Late Show marquee. Nice view from Angelo's, I'll bet! ••• As many as 5,000 deceased blackbirds were found around Beebe, Arkansas the other day. Dave's never pleased when someone tries to make a buck off a bad situation. / video:

(clip): birds' bodies being collected

(voice-over): "Due to recent tragic events, The Arkansas Bird Casket Company is currently back-ordered on blackbird-sized caskets..."

(photos): various models of cute little caskets

(voice-over): "...such as The Imperial, The Executive and The Wings of Peace."

(company logo)

(voice-over): "The Arkansas Bird Casket Company: We're very sorry for your loss."

••• Oprah has her own TV network, OWN. She needs to come up with 24 hours' worth of programming, and she has some amazing material for us. / video:
(cutesy graphic)

(first voice-over): "It's time for Oprah-Grams, featuring all the words you can make with the letters in Oprah Winfrey!"

(second voice-over): "Pony. Wafer. Rhino. Pan-Fry. Horn. Hyena. Hernia."

(graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. Dave wants to ask Dr. Oz about the dead birds. 2. John Boehner has a very big gavel. Why? 3. Boehner obviously needs counseling to deal with his sobbing problem. 4. Dave got an iPad™ for Christmas. Currently he's reading a book with the contraption, but he's all worked up over the lack of page numbers. Paul interjects with the thought that the pages aren't numbered because you can adjust the font size, thereby changing the number of words per page. (I guess it's different from a PDF, which retains the original numbers.) ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During the Republicans' First Day in Charge of the House ••• Dave has the iPad™ at his command module. With no page numbers, how do you know you're done with the book? ••• Jennifer Connelly plugs The Dilemma, a film by Opie Taylor. I always look forward to her visits. She's a stunning beauty, and she always has cool adventures (or mishaps) to tell us about. She's 40 years old now, expecting another baby Bettany, and looking great. Anyway, Jennifer loves working with Opie. She won a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but you knew that. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. Joe, as animated as ever, shuffles onstage. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. With lightning speed and accuracy, Dave sees through Joe's little scheme. Yup. Joe's on the payroll with our friends at utz. Dave boots him. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dr. Mehmet Oz / Dave wants to lose 10 pounds. He describes what he's been eating for lunch. It's quite a list of vegetables and salad, but Dr. Oz picks out quite a load of carbohydrates in the mix. ••• Justin Townes Earle sings. Paul accompanies on keyboards. Justin has cute back-up singers, and a bow tie. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/06/11 [3424]: New York's just beginning to dig out of the garbage backlog from the Dec. 27 snowstorm. / video: Two kids, all bundled up, are building a garbage man outside. I hope they've had all their vaccinations! ••• monologue: "And with so much garbage, the rats are crazy. And I don't want to alarm you, but honest to God, we're knee deep in rats now with the garbage. Fortunately the city has hired an additional cat." ••• Speaking of garbage, an employee rolls a trash can on wheels next to Tony Mendez. He grabs Tony's cue cards, dumps 'em and rolls back offstage. ••• Birds are falling out of the sky all over the place. Dave says, "And today, I saw my parakeet reading the obituaries in the bottom of his cage. Horrible!" ••• Birds are falling out of the sky in England, too. / Photoshop fun: There's one of 'em, legs up, on the hair of Amy Winehouse. ••• Time out: Tony Mendez has walked over to Barbara Gaines' command module. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. Dave asks, "Tony... honest to God... what are you doing?" "I'll be right back, Mr. Letterman," Tony finally replies, "I forgot a cue card upstairs." He's forgotten the Act 1 card, whatever that is. Dave lets him go get it. The CBSO gives us a musical interlude, and Dave gives us some Johnny Carson while we wait. Eddie Brill delivers dinner at 21 to an audience member. This episode is getting crazier by the minute, and we're just getting warmed up. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration)

(voice-over): "12:00 PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." 1:30 PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. 9:00 PM: Entertains constituents with his hilarious melon-smashing antics."

(clip of Gallagher, I assume, smashing a watermelon with a Sledge-O-Matic)

(voice-over): "This has been 'John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back.' "

••• Today, members of Congress read the United States Constitution, but there was a mix-up. / video:
(clip): House of Representatives chamber, with members reading aloud

(clip of unknown Congressman): "I now yield to the gentleman from Michigan, Mr. Kildee."

(Oh, no... here we go again. Joe Grossman walks to the microphone.): "Uh... I'm not a member of Congress. I was on the tour and got lost."

(clip of stunned members of Congress)

(Joe does his signature wrong-way exit.)

(graphic): CNN logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention New York City tourists. As of January 1st, cab drivers must charge you a reduced fare if you choose to ride in the trunk. Know your rights!" ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: Dave produces a shiny new three-foot-long gavel. It's just plain big! It brings to mind the giant doorknob from Late Night, May 1983. Then Dave produces a giant Late Show mug. Based on the size of my four-inch Late Show mugs, I'd say this is a 10-incher. Then Dave shows us an enormous desk microphone. He really likes the mug! ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About John Boehner ••• Out of commercial, Dave says, "I feel refreshed." A little big later, he says, "Half hour to get a banana." Apparently there was all kinds of spontaneous stuff going on between acts, and the CBSO must have put on a mini-concert. ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: 1. Dave gives a big shout-out to Bruce Kapler of the CBSO. 2. Dave starts smashing stuff with the three-foot gavel:
  • banana
  • bunches of bananas
  • a juicy red tomato (lots of trouble with this one)
  • Gaines brings over a hideous horse figurine.
••• Seth Rogen plugs The Green Hornet. / Dave lets Seth demolish the giant microphone, then Eddie Brill delivers it to an audience lady. (What's the deal? Seth has a laugh that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's.) ••• more handiwork with the giant gavel:
  • cantaloupe
  • pineapple
  • unknown vegetable
  • watermelon

Dave says, "This is how we make a living! We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. It seems that his brother, Ron, took his act, calling it Gallagher Too. ••• Beau Garrett plugs Tron: Legacy. ••• The Walkmen sing. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode. The behind-the-scenes activity must have been nuts!)

1/07/11 [3425]: There's a new development in the puzzling story of thousands of birds found dead in various cities. / video:

(clips): bird carcasses

(voice-over): "Scientists are puzzled by the thousands of dead blackbirds which fell to earth in a small Arkansas town. But one thing is clear."

(product logo): Popeyes Fried Blackbirds™

(voice-over): "Now's the time to try Arkansas Broilers™ from Popeyes®!"

(clip): happy kids munching on bird

(voice-over): "Your family will love the different taste, and you'll love the savings we pass on by salvaging dead birds!"

(ad graphic): "Creekwater Just 59¢"

(voice-over): "Add a 16-ounce cup of creekwater for just 59 cents. Hurry down to Popeyes®, because when these dead birds are gone, they're gone! Popeyes®: Drivers wanted."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a Fun Fact: "On at least three occasions Regis Philbin has hosted his show in his sleep." ••• desk chat:
We're a week into the new year, and Dave has had a nagging sense of forlorn for the last 10 minutes or so. "There's no harder-working man in show business than myself," Dave informs us. He comes out every night trying to make a great experience for the audience members, because they he'll have a great experience, too. Dave could tell that tonight's audience didn't want to be here. Where would they rather be? Dairy Queen®! Linda from Melbourne, Australia raised her hand to ask, "What is Dairy Queen?" Dave proceeds to ask Gaines for a cone. (Stay tuned for further developments.)
••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying a 110-Year-Old Man ••• after commercial: Dave has a box of Dilly Bars, and a delighted Linda from Australia gets one! ••• Regis Philbin bravely reappears for another interview with Dave, and tonight our host has treats! That's right, Dave and Regis snack on Dilly Bars. Tonight Regis has stories about jobs he had before he was Regis, and his stint in the Korean War as a supply officer for the U.S. Navy. / Dave lists four people who know what exactly they're doing in broadcasting: 1. Oprah 2. Howard Stern. 3. Rush Limbaugh and 4. Regis. Whoops! Dave says horsedjoy and gets the Late Show aaoogah horn. Here's a blockbuster development: Dave turns the tables and suggests that he and Regis should hang sometime. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hannibal Buress (who was bumped on Dec. 17) delivers some really original and funny stand-up. ••• No Age sing.

1/10/11 [3426]: Alan Kalter's face is very orange*** this evening, and Dave wonders what happened to Big Red. Did he get too much sun at the Jets game? / Alan has a chin rub. / video: When entering the Ed on 53rd St., he's approached by three yutes, as our cousin Vinny would call them. Alan thinks they want his autograph, but that was just a cruel distraction. Moments after Alan looks down in order to deliver a top-quality autograph, all three of the teenage anarchists spray Alan's face, hair and trenchcoat fluorescent orange. I guess we'll call him Big Orange from now on. ••• Tomorrow it will be annouced that Verizon will offer Apple's iPhone™. / video:

(clip): a Verizon Wireless store

(voice-over): "Verizon Wireless is poised to offer Apple's popular iPhone™ in a blow to the iPhone's long-time exclusive carrier, at&t."

(clip): an at&t store and iPhone

(voice-over): "at&t's strategy going forward will be to focus on our long-time core business: telegraph service. We hope to be Apple's rumored iGraph device."

(photo): a telegraph key with an Apple logo

(audio): Morse code "VI"

(voice-over): "at&t: Please check the number and try your call again."

Apparently it's not fashionable to capitalize AT&T these days.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave cares about us home viewers, by the way. Dave's fascinated by the behaviors of members of the animal kingdom. Back in 2010, Harry Letterman got Sully, part Yellow Lab, part Satan. Or is he a Boston Plumber? Regardless, Sully loves to run. 1. Now, speaking of running, Dave has gotten to wondering what it would be like if tortoises were speedy, and hares were slow as molasses. Wouldn't that be creepy? 2. When Sully's running, his big old tongue flaps against his face. Naturally Dave wonders how that would work out for humans who were running. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Add Sheet, Columbia, Missouri: Shakespeare's Pizza ad: "Free cat"
  • North Country Now, Potsdam, New York: "Dog puts car in reverse, hits another car behind. The dog was not charged."
  • Wabasha County Herald, Wabasha, Minnesota: "Give away: microwave, Works good but won't shut off."
  • Portola Reporter, Portola, California: "Sheriff's Blotter: In Delleker, a caller reported sneezing 13 times."
  • Fort Erie Shopping Times, Fort Erie, Ontario: "1997 Dodge Caravan - As is - $1,200.00. Drives beautifully. Air conditioning is broken. Garage mice ate third seat."
  • Ohio County Times-News, Hartford, Kentucky: B&W picture of a masculine-looking middle-aged woman, frowning for her picture, as they did way back when: "Do you know this lady? Please, if you know who this portrait belongs to, please call the Times-News. If no one claims it by September 1st, we will do something with it."
••• outside cam: an awesome helicopter shot from above a New York City bridge ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi presents the Top Ten Reasons to Buy the New Snooki Book. ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up, sitting down, as usual. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill Cosby interview and stories from college ••• The Black Keys sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• *** EDIT: I don't pass color vision tests. Mike McIntee reported in the Wahoo Gazette that those punks painted Alan Kalter's face green... not orange. I'd never missed on orange before.

1/11/11 [3427]: There's another pesky snowstorm in store for New York City... 4" to 8" overnight. (Dave promises the balcony will be plowed tomorrow. It had better be. That's where the CBS guests sit.) The National Weather Service is on it. / video:

(snow scenes)

(voice-over): "A major snowstorm is now a certainty for the Northeastern U.S. The National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Watch, which will soon be upgraded to a Winter Storm Warning Watch, to be followed by a Warning Warning, then a Warning Watch Warning, then a Watch Watch Warning Watch, then the Warning itself. And then a Warning Warning Watch Warning, and then a Watch Watch. And finally..."

(Michael Z. McIntee's voice-over): "ALL CLEAR!"

(voice-over): "...as the storm ends. Since the warning may change, we've also issued a Warning Watch Alert Update Watch Warning. The National Weather Service: So advanced, it's simple."

••• interruption: Gene Szymanski, who's all bundled up, rolls onstage with an electric snowblower. Dave hollers, "Gene! Gene! Can you hear me? What are you doing?!" "I just wanted to drown out this crap," Gene replies. ••• There's more trouble with deceased birds plummeting from the sky. The latest is doves in Venice. / Photoshop fun: Joining Donald Trump and Amy Winehouse with bird carcasses on their heads (or red hat, in this case) is His Eminence, Pope Benedict XVI. ••• Tom DeLay's going to the joint for three years for monkeying around with campaign finance funds, and boy, are his colleagues ever upset. / video: Speaker of the House John Boehner is blubbering somethin' awful over the recent verdict. ••• monologue: "More dead birds last night: the Oregon Ducks." (Auburn beat Oregon in the national championship football game.) ••• It's another of Tom DeLay's weeping buddies. / video: Terrell Owens is totally broken up. (Shecky really found a gem there, didn't he?) ••• The Hubble Space Telescope has delivered a great image of a green blob in space. No, this isn't a science fiction movie. A Dutch school teacher found the thing in 2007. / video:
(various nebulae photos)

(voice-over): "A mysterious green blob has been spotted in outer space. NASA officials can't identify what it is, exactly, but these images from the Hubble Telescope suggest it could be a light echo from a long-dead quasar, or quite possibly... Wait a second."

(clip): Someone wipes a goofy-looking thing aside, and we hear the squeaky sound you hear when you're cleaning a window with Windex® and Bounty®, The Quicker Picker-Upper™.

(voice-over): "It was just something on the lens. We now return you to Webster, already in progress."

••• Snooki Polizzi was on yesterday to do a TTL, as she's just released her (hopefully) first and last book, A Shore Thing. / promo video:
(voice-over): "Be sure to pick up a copy of A Shore Thing, the debut novel of everyone's favorite Jersey Shore cast member, Snooki."

(clips of various staff members)

(voice-over): "Use it to prop up a wobbly table. Use the pages to wipe up a spill... or stand on it to reach a better book! A Shore Thing: Available at fine booksellers and auto detailing shops everywhere!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights (and his new owl impression) ••• Top Ten Ways New York Is Preparing for the Blizzard ••• TTL interruption / desk chat:
When Dave finds something he likes, he goes with it. He's loyal. For example, he once bought 2,000,000 pairs of socks that he liked. Years ago, he started using Noxzema® shaving goo. All of a sudden, for the last three weeks Dave can't get it to stick to his face, so he appointed his assistant, Brenda, to call 'em today, and they claimed they're having nozzle trouble. (Who on earth is Brenda, by the way?)
••• back to the TTL ••• Vince Vaughn plugs The Dilemma. (It has Jennifer Connelly, so I'm there, dude! She is awesome.) ••• Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz plug the History Channel's American Pickers. I'd never heard of it, but they go around and buy junk that they turn around and sell as movie props, crap for interior designers, etc. It sounds kind of interesting. At least they're not hoarders, who'll save their gum wrappers, pizza boxes, dead pets, etc. ••• Cage the Elephant sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/12/11 [3428]: interruption: Two warmly-dressed rascals wielding snow shovels approach Dave. "We'll shovel your sidewalk for twenty bucks," the one with the more-ridiculous hat offers. Dave thanks them for their thoughtfulness, and forks over the cash. The two future inhabitants of Riker's Island ditch the shovels and scamper offstage. ••• We learned yesterday that Verizon Wireless has started offering the iPhone™. / video:

(scene of a Verizon meeting / "Endless Motion" by Jonathan Martin Gordon and Scott P. Schreer)

(voice-over): "Verizon Wireless is proud to be the new home of the iPhone. And while our service does set some limitations compared to AT&T, it couldn't be easier to get around them!"

(scenes of a proud new owner taking his iPhone for a spin)

(voice-over): "For simultaneous voice and Internet service, simply buy a second iPhone. For the added ability to send texts, buy a third iPhone. And if you'd also like to make a phone call where you can both talk and listen, you'll love our 4-iPhone Value Pack, for just $1,199.95."

(Verizon logo)

(voice-over): "Verizon Wireless: Slightly less bad than AT&T."

••• "Late Show Blizzard News Roundup" / video: /
(music): "PM Theme," by Phil Garrod, Reed Hays and Scott P. Schreer

(TV anchors and meteorologists' cutesy nicknames for the latest Northeast snowfall): "And here we snow again." "Here we snow again." "Here we snow again." "Say it isn't snow." "Say it ain't snow." "Say it ain't snow." "There's no business like snow business." "There's no business like snow business." "Snow biz." "Snow doubt about it." "Going snowhere fast." "Oh, snow." "Snow way!" "There's snowbody better." "Snow me the money." "Ice, ice baby." "Snow my gosh!" "Snow MG!" "Snow my goodness!" "It's snow joke. Get it?" "Our producer was very proud of that line, so I felt I had to say, 'It's snow joke.' "

••• Dave delivers the con artists' snow shovels to audience dudes. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and his new key to riches, The Shoe Plow. ••• Dave opens the TTL. / interruption: The two snow shovel con men request an introduction to Conan. Dave boots 'em. ••• desk chat: This is exciting: Tonight, in the front row of the audience, we have the president, vice-president and sergeant-at-arms of the New England Gray Sweater Club. It's these distinguished individuals who received the snow shovelers earlier. ••• Top Ten Ways AT&T Is Trying to Keep Its Customers / Odd Dave: two distinct kitty impressions ••• Kevin James plugs The Drifter. He maxxed out at 302 pounds, and is much skinnier now... apparently without drinking wheat grass. ••• interruption: Kevin James shows up by the backdrop. He'd very much like to be introduced to Conan. Dave boots him. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Olivia Munn ••• The Low Anthem sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/13/11 [3429]: monologue troubles: "Skim milk, dozen eggs, Bloody Mary mix, limes, wheat bread, juice, bagel bites, apples, Viagra, Velveeta," Dave says. What? Tony Mendez says, "It's my shopping list. I don't know how it got confused with the cue cards." Then Tony has a little discourse in Spanish. ••• "Get to Know Heidi the Cross-Eyed Opossum" / video:

(clips of adorable possum antics, and a great big yawn) (No one says opossum in Kansas!)

(voice-over): "Heidi, the cross-eyed opossum from Germany, became a worldwide Internet sensation after this adorable video was posted on YouTube. Things went great at first, but instant stardom proved too much for Heidi to bear."

(photo): Heidi, passed out beside a bottle of Jägermeister

(voice-over): "Heidi turned to alcohol to ease the pain. She abandoned her litter, and nearly lost it all one night, carelessly crossing the autobahn. It was only after an emotional intervention by Dr. Phil, and a brief stint in rehab, that Heidi got her life back on track. She recently married a handsome young armadillo named Toby, and makes a comfortable living as the voice of Kraft® Macaroni and Cheese."

(voice-over in possum chirping): "You know you love it."

(original voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know Heidi the Cross-Eyed Opossum.' "

••• New Jersey Assemblywoman Cleopatra Tucker, D-Essex, proposed a bill that would have required license plates on bicycles ridden by kids 15 and older, and parents of the under-15 crowd would have to register for the little squirts. / video:
(clips): bicycle in traffic

(voice-over): "New Jersey lawmakers are considering a plan that would require bicycles to have license plates. Many elderly people have been hit by bicycles in recent months, but have no way to identify the riders. Opponents of the plan wonder if elderly people would even be able to read the license plates in the event of an accident. Taking this into account, the license plates would be manufactured in easy-to-read, large print."

(clip of a bike with a three-foot-wide plate taking out a pedestrian)

(voice-over): "New Jersey. Stuffing? I'm Staying!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave begins a recap of the latest NYC snowstorm, then stops to ask Paul, "Did you hear that?" He shushes the audience so we all can hear, and tells the handheld camera guy, Al Cialino, to walk back over again. It's his snow boots. That's what it is! Dave finishes his snow stories. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Miss America Pageant ••• Kelsey Grammer plugs his play, La Cage Aux Folles. [It's in the Longacre Theatre at 220 W. 48th Street. When I go to DaveCon, I always stay at the Best Western President at 234 W. 48th. I walk by the Longacre all the time.] ••• New York City has endured another big snowstorm. Snow removal after the Dec. 27 blizzard was the source of all kinds of criticism. Here to report on the latest efforts is Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg. (Or is it Electronic Maintenance chief Gary Mintz, all dressed up in a suit?)
(Gary): "Hey, underlings, it's me, Mayor Mike. Well, we did it! Mother Nature dumped four feet of snow on the city, and guess what! We kicked Mother Nature right in the nuts! That's right, we managed to clear some of it. That's what a little elbow grease will do."

(Gary with a maniacal laugh for 10 seconds, followed by a whistle)

(Gary): "Uh oh. You know what that sound means. It's time for 'Mayor Mike's NFL Playoff Pick of the Week.' With the Houston Oilers at home in the Astrodome, Dan Pastorini is poised for a big game. Take the Oilers, and give the points over the Seahawks. Good luck, and I'll see you at the beach, losers!"

[I bumped into Gary in Hello Deli a couple of years ago, and complimented him on his work. He seemed surprised that I recognized him.]

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a NASA Bulletin: "The moon is closed through February 9 for routine maintenance." ••• Amar'e Stoudemire of the Knicks ••• Gregg Allman sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/14/11 [3430]: He's the only thing on CBS tonight. That's right... it's Mateus from Sweden, who Dave claims got in by mistake. He appears to be college-aged. Dave will announce later that he looks like Chip Douglas. (You remember My Three Sons, don't you?) It's not clear whether he speaks much English. It looks like he's getting every other word. ••• monologue: Dave starts a Green Hornet story, then has second thoughts. He asks Tony about the cue card for the joke. Tony says Dave cut it, so he doesn't have the card. He's just makin' stuff up! ••• Humans began wearing clothes 170,000 years ago today. / photo: President Obama on vacation, wearing a white t-shirt, shorts, flip flops and funny-looking sunglasses / That's right. Clothing has evolved, but maybe not in the right direction. ••• Oprah's network, OWN, launched on January 1. There's controversy already. / video:

(clip): Oprah, of course

(voice-over): "Some cable subscribers are complaining they don't want to pay extra to get the OWN network. Good news! There's another celebrity network which is part of your existing cable package."

(graphic): OBN: The New Oak Ridge Boys Network

(voice-over): "The New Oak Ridge Boys Network, featuring 24 hours of this."

(clip): the Boys singing "Elvira"

(voice-over): "The New Oak Ridge Boys Network: Come Hungry, Leave Happy."

••• FOX will cover Super Bowl XLV, and we have their promo. / video:
(graphic): Super Bowl XLV logo

(voice-over): "Tune into FOX on February 6th for Super Bowl XLV. See Tom Brady and the New England Patriots face Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons... unless the Patriots lose in the AFC championship to the Steelers, and the Falcons are upset by the Packers, who upset the Eagles, or if Tom Brady and the New England Patriots lose to the Jets in the second round, and the Ravens upset the Chiefs, then somehow the Ravens beat the Steelers, and go into the Super Bowl after defeating Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. In the NFC, the Saints could defeat the Seahawks, then beat the Falcons and Bears, unless the Eagles defeat the Packers and then upset the Bears, and beat the Falcons for a chance to face Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, or Jets, Colts, Steelers, Chiefs or Ravens."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "We wrote this crap before the season began!"

(voice-over): "The Super Bowl. Check your local listings."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
It's more on Mateus from Sweden. 1. How did he get in here? 2. Does Sweden share a border with Denmark? No. They take a bridge! 3. Is Denmark a Scandinavian country? Dave lists Sweden, Norway, Finland and Iceland. Paul doesn't know about Iceland. Dave's sure it's included. (At least Dave didn't get started on the Benelux countries this time.) Pat Farmer delivers a world atlas, and Dave goes to work. The atlas claims Denmark's part of Scandinavia. (It's like Pennsylvania being near the Midwest, but not part of it.) Norwegians tell jokes about the people in Finland, the people in Finland tell jokes about Norwegians, and the Swedes don't get any of them.
••• Top Ten Signs There Are Too Many People ••• desk rant:
Out of 7,000,000,000 earthlings, there are only 1,100 talk show hosts. Dave's trying to make people have fun and be happy. You want to have a nice time. Anyway, Dave comes out, and he can tell Mateus isn't from around here. So during the commercial, Tony Mendez approaches Dave and says he should do something for Mateus, after all this commotion, because Mateus/Chip doesn't understand what Dave's saying. Now Dave wants to know what Tony's prepared to do for the kid. Tony, by this point, is looking a combination of embarrassed, irritated and amused. He's giggling a little, at least. Dave sends Tony to his outpost to fetch a stack of cue cards for Mateus. At least Mateus said thank you to Tony, so he does know a little English.
••• Joan Rivers plugs Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?. (How she gets on television anywhere is beyond me.) ••• Dave's back to Oprah's network. (Steadman made Oprah start it to get her outta the house!) There's some scrambling for ideas on programming, such as Does It Hurt?. / video:
It's our own Pat Farmer. He takes a hammer and smashes his hand. "Does it hurt? Yes."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a reminder that Mileage Savings Time resumes Sunday. Set your odometer back 10,000 miles. ••• Jeff Caldwell does stand-up. ••• Wintersleep sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Dave didn't mention this 11th anniversary of his quintuple bypass, compliments of Dr. O. Wayne Isom. That could be because the episode was taped four days earlier.]

1/17/11 [3431]: Miss Nebraska became Miss America last weekend. / "How Is She Not the New Miss America? / video:

(clip): It's Miss Arkansas, Alyse Eady, in a red dress, holding two dummies and yodeling. Seriously. Guess what! She's booked for the Late Show for Thursday.
••• interruption: Writer Joe Grossman comes onstage.
(Dave): "Oh, my God! Trouble with the luggage?" Hi. Hi, could I help you?"

(Joe, with a #10 envelope): "You won the football pool. Here's $200."

(Dave): "I won the football pool?"

(Joe): "Yeah."

(Dave): "You're kidding me! That's fantastic. Thank you very much... That's... Wow! I'm a very lucky man. Anything else I can help you with?"

(Joe): "I came in second."

(Dave): "That's great. How much does second place pay?"

(Joe): "Nothing."

(Dave): "Well, I'm sorry. Maybe next year, OK?"

(Joe): "I could have used the money."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Joe): "I'm getting married in a few months..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Joe): "...have unexpected expenses..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Joe): "...my bike was stolen, and I had to buy a new one."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Joe): "My refrigerator died. My dog needed an operation. He ate a bar of soap."

(Dave): "Oh, my God! So what you're trying to say is here you would like the money I won."

(Joe): "Yes, please."

(Dave forks over his jackpot. The two gentlemen pause for a bit.)

(Joe): "The bike actually cost $400."

(Dave): "Get out! Get of here! Just get..."

(Joe, reliable as clockwork, attempts to exit the wrong way.)

(Dave): "No, no, no, no, no. That way! You've gotta go that way!"

••• Rupert Jee's New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 28-21 yesterday, and will play the Steelers on January 23 for the AFC championship. Dave wanted to show us the winning touchdown but couldn't get the rights, which leads us to this exciting animation, "NFL Highlight Simulation." It's just stick figures, but we get the general idea. ••• GOP chairman Michael Steele didn't run for re-election, and Reince Priebus was selected. / "Get to Know Reince Priebus" / video:
(voice-over): "Reince Priebus is the newly-elected chair of the Republican National Committee. Previously Preibus was the chairman of Wisconsin's Republican Party. Reince Priebus is also the name of a car, often seen driven by Jay Leno."

(Photoshop fun): Big Jaw behind the wheel of a 1909 Reince Priebus

(FX): beep beep beep beep

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know Reince Priebus,' a division of Dow Chemical."

••• The NFL's very excited about the Jets vs. the Steelers for the AFC Championship. Here's their promo video:

(voice-over): "Fasten your seatbelts, and get ready for the AFC championship game!"

(player photos)

(voice-over): "The New York Jets, led by the guy who got the DUI, the guy who violated the league's substance abuse policy, the guy who fathered nine kids with eight women, and the guy who posts creepy Internet videos, take on the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the guy who likes whipping out his deal in bars. The NFL: It's on!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
1. Dave messes with an audience man from Italy. He wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.

2. An expert hypochondriac, Dave wants to discuss body hydration.

3. He went to see his mom, Dorothy, over the weekend. Over the years, they have visited about three topics: Dorothy's cats, her garden and the weather. Gardens in Indiana aren't up to much in January. The cat croaked. [Oops. Dave shouldn't have itemized with his fingers, because he realizes to his horror that he is presently giving The Finger to North America on this, the Tiffany Network.] Anyway, back to Dorothy. The snow outside didn't lead to much discussion.

••• Top Ten Ways to Pronounce Reince Priebus ••• interruption: We hear some fine harmonica music. It seems to be coming from Stage Left. Well, what do you know! It's rock legend Steven Tyler on harmonica. He's good! ••• Dave has some colorful, elbow-length Vet-Pro™ gloves for handling some of the critters Jungle Jack Hanna is about to bring out. Jack has a Zorilla (striped polecat), a little joey (kangaroo) and a Binturong (Malaysian bearcat that smells like popcorn, and can kill a cobra). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Jack Hanna. He has little African Penguins (Jackass Penguins) from Southwest Africa. They're very cute, and they bray like donkeys. Next is a warthog from Africa, and finally we have a couple of gorgeous baby cheetahs. We're all very quiet for a few moments so we can hear the cheetah purring. ••• Steven Tyler plugs American Idol. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/18/11 [3432]: monologue: Dave's all excited about the new Trenta from Starbucks. Trenta is Italian for thirty, and at 31 ounces it's one ounce short of a quart of coffee. / Photoshop fun: Mayor Bloomberg's standing next to a paper cup of Trenta, and he's a bit shorter. ••• Dick Cheney was on the Today show, and we learned that he has an electric heart. / video: We see an intricate apparatus fastened to his chest, and the thing starts smoking during the interview. ••• Regis Philbin shocked the North American viewing public this morning by announcing that he's leaving Live! with Regis and Kelly. (He wants to spend more time with his money.) Discovered back in the 50s while a golden-voiced drifter, Reege has worked in show business steadily since that time. CBS quickly prepared a farewell tribute. / video:

(clip of Regis on Live!)

(voice-over): "After a long, storied career in broadcasting, Regis Philbin is saying farewell. With that in mind, a member of the CBS family has a similar announcement he'd like to make."

(Jerry Foley cuts back to Dave, who's looking around, wondering who the audience is laughing at.)

(clip of Dave at his command module)

(voice-over): "So long, old pal."

••• Dave wonders if Jay Leno had anything to do with this. ••• Back to Starbucks... We have a commericial for Trenta. / video:
(voice-over): "Starbucks introduces our brand new Trenta... over 30 ounces of delicious Starbucks coffee, providing the boost you need to start your day."

(clips from a Starbucks)

(voice-over): "But don't take our word for it. This satisfied Starbucks customer enjoyed a Starbucks Trenta just moments ago."

(clip): A gentleman's head 'splodes!

(voice-over): "Starbucks: We love to fly and it shows."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Don Kirshner died on January 17, and Paul has a eulogy for a man he calls his mentor. My own first memories of Paul Shaffer include his imitations of Don Kirshner on Saturday Night Live. It was a nice, heartfelt tribute to his friend, and as if we needed reminding, another example of Paul's encyclopedic knowledge of popular music. By the way, Dave did comedy on Don Kirshner's Rock Concert back in the 70s. ••• Dave has Regis Philbin on the phone to discuss his retirement announcement this morning. Dave has kind words for his old pal. Somehow Regis gets Dave to sing "There's No Business Like Show Business" with him. Of course, Dave eventually hangs up on Reege. ••• desk chat:
1. We have more on Don Kirshner from Paul.

2. Dave has a nice recap of the controversial hosting of the Golden Globe awards last night by Ricky Gervais, who delivered barbs worthy of the old Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. He began his opening monologue with, "It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast." Dave thinks it was great.

••• Betty White plugs TV Land's Hot in Cleveland. She's 89 today, and she gave a hilarious, upbeat interview that should be studied by young people invited on the show. ••• Producer Brian Teta, as a fan of Betty, wants to meet her. She returns to the stage to endure an awkwardly-long hug. Eventually Dave calls Biff from backstage to break 'em up, and the first thing we know, he's hugging Betty. And before it's all over, Dave's in on the fun. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kim and Kourtney Kardashian plug something or other. I wasn't interested. ••• The Script sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from the show: Top Ten Reasons Regis Philbin Is Retiring from His Daytime Talk Show]

1/19/11 [3433]: Starbucks has announced the new 31-ounce Trenta coffee. / Photoshop fun: Mr. Thomas Cruise Maypother (all 5' 7" of him) is seen standing next to a cup of Trenta. The cup's taller. ••• American Idol premiered tonight. Dave made fun of them a bit, then claimed he thought Steven Tyler was J Lo's mother. ••• interruption: Pat Farmer wanders out during the monologue. He sees himself on a monitor, and is fascinated. ••• monologue: "You know what I'm talkin' about when I say Hillary Clinton? Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, and God bless her, she's doing a fantastic job, but have you noticed? She's puttin' on a litte weight. She needs to spend more time with Iraq and Iran, and less time with Turkey and Chile.You know what I'm sayin'? Hillary... Boy, if she gains 10 more pounds, Bill's going to start hittin' on her!" ••• Dick Cheney's on a heart machine. Yesterday he invited a couple to stay with him at his castle, but then he told them the bridge was out. / Will Lee gives us the Dick Cheney Dungeon scream. ••• Oprah, Larry King and Regis have announced their retirement. / video:

(clips of the retirees)

(voice-over): "During the 2010-2011 television season, three veterans talk show hosts mysteriously left their shows. Forced underground, they became soldiers of fortune, helping other talk show hosts in need. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The H Team."

(A-Team theme song and clips)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and Celebrity Impressions (tonight, Alan Kalter) ••• desk chat: During the preshow questions, a lady raised her hand and wondered if she could have some vodka. Dave says he considered it, but Gaines informed him that CBS doesn't allow giving alcohol to audience members. ••• desk chat: Dave got his wish! Yesterday he held up a copy of the New York Post. He enjoyed their story about the stinging barbs Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais laid on celebrities earlier this week, and his comments got him on page 17. Tonight's goal is to be shown in tomorrow's New York Post holding up the picture of him in today's New York Post. ••• Top Ten Changes to American Idol. ••• Martin Short interview ••• Martin, as usual, has come in with an awesome song. It goes something like this:
Martin's Song to Dave
(sung to the tune of "Quando, Quando, Quando")

If you want to be a star
Then you'd better go to rehab
Take some pills and hit the bar
Then smile for People magazine

You can ridicule my plan
Who would want to go to rehab?
Now Robert Downey's Iron Man
No one makes more than Charlie Sheen.

It may be alcohol or pills
Or something nobody expects
You'll kill when you're on Dr. Phil
With my new book, I'm Hooked on Sex!.

Don't waste time with Nicorette
Take your butts and head to rehab
Share a bunk with Dave Arquette,
Courtney Love or Andy Dick.

When Rush Limbaugh went away
I'll say that news did kind of jolt me
But by early the next day,
He'd become our new Nick Nolte.

I'm jonesing for rehab
Call Dr. Drew and Betty Ford
Here I come, I'm checkin' in!
I'll check back out and check back in.

Here's to my future with some gin!

••• Greta Gerwig plugs No Strings Attached. ••• Darius Rucker sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/20/11 [3434]: Yesterday was a big day for the FBI in the Northeast, as about 127 organized crime hotshots were rounded up and arrested. The mobsters came from the three biggest crime families: Gambino, Colombo and Leno. Dave turns to Alan Kalter to sincerely commend him for testifying against some of them. Alan's mortified. What if they didn't get 'em all? "Thanks a lot, ass****. You just got me killed," Alan growls, as he exits Stage Left. (The role of Mr. Kalter will be played by Michael Z. McIntee for the remainder of tonight's episode... or forever. Witness protection. You didn't hear it here.) ••• monologue: Dave says, "Well, it's gonna snow here in New York City. I mean, my God, this is like the fourth big blizzard. And on the way to work this morning (people are now prepared, this is a true story). I'm walking through Central Park, I saw a squirrel, my hand to God, this is true, I saw a squirrel putting salt on his nuts." / Now it's time for "I Wonder If That Joke Would Be Funnier in Spanish?" Tony "Cue Cards" Mendez delivers the Spanish version. Was it funnier? "¡Si!" ••• Starbucks brought out the new 31-ounce coffee, Trenta™, the other day. / Photoshop fun: We see everybody's favorite dictator, Kim Jong Il, dwarfed by a cup of the beverage. Then we see someone leaving a drive-through with a Trenta™ strapped to his car roof. ••• monologue: China's President Hu attended a state dinner in the White House yesterday. Dave says, "Barbara Streisand was at the state dinner, because it turned out that President Hu wanted to meet a Focker." / "I Wonder If That Joke Would Be Funnier in Spanish?" Tony "Cue Cards" Mendez delivers the Spanish version. Was it funnier? "¡Si!" Dave names Tony MVP for his performance. ••• Piers Morgan has taken over Larry King Live. / video:

(clip): Piers with Condoleezza Rice

(Piers): "We have a picture - a lovely picture - of you outside the White House. When you look at that picture... the sweet little Condoleezza..."

(a shirtless Larry King strolling by, upstaging the interview): "Abilene, Kansas. Hello. Sioux City, Iowa. Hello."

••• Michael Z. McIntee with Big Show Highlights: "After the break, Top Ten Ways President Obama Celebrated His Two-Year Anniversary in Office, Kaley Cuoco, Piers Morgan and Kaley Cuoco. Damn it, why's her name on my script twice? That's it! We have to fire Paul Masella. We'll be right back." ••• Miss Arkansas, Elyse Eady, was runner-up to Miss America last weekend. She has a ventriloquist act with her dummies, Rosy and Rocky. The trio perform "I Want to Be a Cowboy Sweetheart." ••• Top Ten Ways President Obama Celebrated His Two-Year Anniversary in Office ••• Miss Arkansas again ••• Kaley Cuoco plugs The Big Bang Theory, and tells us lots about a compound fracture of her leg. ••• Oh, boy, here we go again! It's Jeff Altman, as a drunken ne'er-do-well, on the phone. Gaines warned Dave not to answer, but sometimes he disobeys.
(Jeff, singing a little Air Supply): "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you. I know you were right believing for so long. I'm all out of love, what am I without you? I can't be..."

(Dave): "Hello. Hello. Hello. Excuse me. Hello."

(Jeff): "Hello. Yes, yes, I'd like four Carl's Jr.® Super Deluxe Cheesesteaks. Hold the mayo, six tubs of curly fries and extra sauce, and throw in a couple of orders of Carl's Jr.® Extra Spicy Carl's Jr.® Spicy Hot Wings. Plus a medium root beer."

(Dave, writing the order): "OK. Uh, that was one grilled cheese and a milk shake. Got it!"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Quit humping my couch, you two-bit Martian. Get the grub ready and send it here pronto! You know what I mean? I mean step on it!"

(Dave): "OK. But now, let me just remind you, at Carl's Jr.®, we don't deliver."

(Jeff): "Well, I, I ain't comin' over, because I've got a touch of the whoopin' cough."

(Jeff, coughing and hacking something awful)

(Jeff): "See what I mean?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Now listen, I'm sorry about the coughing thing, but I'll be honest with you. This is not a Carl's Jr.®. You've reached a television show."

(FX): doorbell

(Jeff): "Oh, holy crap. That, that was fast! Come on, come on in. Let me, let me get my purse."

(tough guy): "You won't need your purse where you're goin', Susie."

(Jeff): "Why, I ought to drop you like a dirty shirt!"

(Jeff, imitating Broderick Crawford): "Listen, you filthy slob, this is Lieutenant Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol."

(Jeff): "Hey, who is this? You can't treat me like this."

(Lieutenant Len Easton): "You can't mow your lawn when you're naked, either. OK, let's go!"

(doggie): woof, woof, woof, woof

(Jeff): "OK, Kingie. Aaaaah! Oooooooh! Aaaaah!"

(FX): dial tone

(Dave): "Wow. Now I'm thinkin' maybe I shouldn't have picked it up."

(Paul): "I, you see... I... I think it was the same guy. Both those people were the same guy."

••• Piers Morgan plugs Piers Morgan Tonight, new on CNN. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Wanda Jackson and Jack White sing.

1/21/11 [3435]: monologue: There's a recurring religious theme tonight, but with no explanation. It must be from the preshow questions. ••• "How President Obama Celebrated Two Years in Office" / video:

(voice-over): "Congratulations to President Obama and Vice-President Biden on their two-year anniversary in office."

(clips and photos of the two)

(voice-over): "To mark the occasion, the pair took a long stroll around the White House grounds, followed by a quiet dinner at a posh Washington restaurant."

(Obama and Biden at a restaurant table for two, about to kiss)

(voice-over): "The White House. Ohh yeeah!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and Scam Alert: "If the so-called IRS sends you a letter saying you owe 'taxes,' don't fall for it. We'll be back after this." (That was a quick trip back from the witness protection program!) ••• desk chat: Dave mentions the playoff games: Packers vs. the Bears and Jets vs. the Steelers. He likes Jim Nance and Phil Simms in the broadcast booth. ••• Wikipedia is 10 years old now, which brings us to "Wikipedia Unconfirmed Entry of the Night." / video:
(photos of Wikipedia)

(voice-over): "The Little Bighorn River was the site of the 1876 Battle of Little Bighorn, and took its name from rap music impresario Lil Wayne."

(voice-over): "This has been the 'Wikipedia Unconfirmed Entry of the Night.' "


••• desk chat: Dave's down on himself a little tonight. He gets after Paul for not telling him to get a facelift 15 years ago. It seems that Harry's friends won't come to the house. ••• Top Ten Signs You Have NFL Playoffs Fever ••• Nathan Lane plugs The Addams Family. It's at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre, 205 West 46th St. Check it out at theaddamsfamilymusical.com. Nathan also treats us to a slightly bogus clip from 127 Hours. Oddly enough, our friend doesn't seem to be listed in the cast. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for hats for potatoes ••• Mike Palascak does stand-up. ••• desk chat: It's more on the facelift. Who knows where this topic came from... maybe a preshow audience question. Anyway, one of the staff has doctored up a photo of Dave at his desk, with a post-facelift face that's just not quite right. ••• Esperanza Spalding sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: It's the facelift picture of Dave.

1/24/11: REPEAT FROM 1/06/11

1/25/11: REPEAT FROM 11/22/10

1/26/11: REPEAT FROM 1/11/11

1/27/11: REPEAT FROM 12/17/10

1/28/11: REPEAT FROM 1/13/11

1/31/11 [3436]: cold open with Justin Bieber:

(Dave): "Hi, Justin. How are you?"

(Justin): "How are you?"

(Dave): "I'm good."

(Justin): "It's good to be here."

(Dave): "It's good to have you. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. It means a lot."

(Justin): "Thank you."

(Dave): "Yeah. You have no idea who I am, do you?"

(Justin): "No."

(Jerry Foley): rolls opening montage

••• There's been all kinds of turmoil and unrest in Egypt in recent days. The citizens are demonstrating for the resignation of Hosni Mubarak. Meanwhile, if anything should happen to Dave, he's got a guy backstage, ready to stand in. / backstage cam: Keith Olbermann's with Biff Henderson. ••• monologue:
"Meteorologists are saying that tomorrow or Wednesday we're going to be getting something they call thundersnow. Thundersnow. It's God's first new work in 500 years. It's thundersnow. Thundersnow, by the way, I think, is what keeps getting Charlie Sheen in trouble. I think that's what it is. Yes, New York City needs more white powder like Charlie Sheen needs more white powder."
••• It was Dick Cheney's 70th birthday yesterday. They had a party at his house. 12 people. At midnight Cheney said, "Only 11 of you will be leaving here with a heart." / Will Lee does his maniacal Dick Cheney's Dungeon scream. ••• Hosni Mubarak has shut down the Internet in Egypt. Now he wants to find a way to relate to the young people in Egypt. / video:
(clip): Hosni Mubarak's address

(English translation voice-over): "I know it's been a difficult week for the Egyptian people, so as a gesture of goodwill, here's what you've missed on the Internet since we cut off all access. Kim Kardashian tweeted, 'I'm soooo sleepy, too lazy to get up and wash my make up off!' Hang in there, Kim. Perez Hilton ran a story about the other guy from CHiPs, 'Looking good, Larry Wilcox!' And YouTube had a video of a guy getting slammed in the nuts!"

(clip): guy trying a skiing stunt lands squarely on a handrail

(voice-over): "Folks, we'll be right back with Headlines and Howie Mandel."

••• We know that Speaker of the House John Boehner will sob if he loses his car keys. Dave didn't know that he smokes. / video:
(Fox News Sunday clip)

(Chris Wallace voice-over): "Right now on Fox News Sunday..."

(Wallace): "The other thing that people have mentioned to me... no issues... is they said (and I feel this way...). We like you. Why don't you stop smoking?"

(Boehner, with fake butt in his mouth): "Oh, why did we bring this up again! You know, smoking... Listen, it's a bad habit, and I have it. It's a legal product. I choose to smoke. Leave me alone!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Guess the Movie Title": The Negotiator! ••• desk chat:
1. Hosni Mubarak's troubles in Egypt are caused by the Internet.

2. Dave took Harry skiing again. They're all ready to ski when Harry announced that he had to go to the bathroom, so Dave takes him. No problem. They get in there and Harry says. "Will you hold my helmet? Will you take off my goggles? Will you take off my mittens? Will you take off my jacket? Will you take off my sweater? Will you take off my neck warmer?" Dave thinks he's ready to take care of business. "What about my long underwear?" OK. "You've got to remove the suspenders." Then the neck warmer hits the floor. It's soaking wet. Melted snow? Maybe. Maybe not.

3. Dave, Leno and Oprah were in the big Super Bowl ad in 2010. In 2011 we'll have a sequel, this time with Dave, Charlie Sheen and Hosni Mubarak!

••• desk chat, after commercial: "Before you buy a lift ticket, make sure your kid takes a leak!" ••• TTL sponsor: Alan announces that tonight's list is sponsored by A Company. ••• Charlie Sheen was rushed to a hospital in recent days. Taping of his show, Two and a Half Men, went on hiatus. / Top Ten Charlie Sheen Excuses ••• Justin Bieber plugs an important documentary, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. / We see the girls outside on 53rd St., hoping for his autograph. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. (How about a shampoo, Ms. Perrette?) ••• Best Coast sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with closing credits: Keith Olbermann and Biff Henderson

2/01/11 [3437]: Dave likes salty snacks, but he thinks people are eating way too much salt. / video: We see a guy outside salting a sidewalk. Moments later he's chowing down on multiple handsful of NaCl. Yum. ••• monologue: "Charlie Sheen has 90 days of rehab at his house. What could possibly go wrong? He's got a great place. Ever seen Charlie Sheen's house? It's the Casa Degenerata. Fantastic!" ••• Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men is still popular, and other channels are looking at creating their own shows including characters with addiction problems. / video:

(scene from Two and a Half Men)

(TV Land logo)

(voice-over): "With Charlie Sheen temporarily off the air, TV Land is the place to be for hard-living characters. Tonight, don't miss a rare episode of The Honeymooners, where Ralph and Ed battle crippling addictions."

(Jackie Gleason, loaded and stumbling): "Everything's going real fast."

(voice-over): "The Honeymooners: Only on TV Land."

••• Hosni Mubarak is trying to appease the Egyptians so he can remain in office. / video: "Hosni Mubarak: Too Little Too Late"
(voice-over): "As opposition to his regime continued to grow, today President Mubarak announced a multimillion dollar upgrade to the Sphinx."

(The Sphinx): "Meow. Meow. Meow."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Hosni Mubarak: Too Little Too Late.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
1. Martha Stewart will appear on Friday, which means her episode was taped yesterday. Dave says he woke up with a hangover, but he hadn't been drinking. Martha was cooking items for a football-themed party. Dave wasn't interested olive-shaped footballs. He said, "Martha, do you still hear from any of the cons?" She paid her debt to society, and he shouldn't have said that. He woke up feeling horrible.

2. Dave wants to say something to Hosni Mubarak, and all Egyptians everywhere, for that matter, which brings us to "The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak." / video:

(title graphics)

(voice-over): "And now, 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' "

(Dave, at desk, looking troubled): "Hosni, Hosni, Hosni."

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' "

••• Gov. Mitt Romney presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Know About Mitt Romney. / #10: Mitt is short for Mitthew. ••• desk chat: more on the Martha Stewart scandal, and how to apologize ••• Matthew Perry plugs Mr. Sunshine, and gives us too much information about current medical procedures. ••• "Alan Kalter's Super Bowl Preview" /
(Dave): "OK, Alan, take it away!"

(Alan, dressed like King Tutankhamun): "Thank you, Dave. Super Bowl XLV is just around the corner. It's gonna be a great matchup! The Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Green Bay Packers, two teams rich in history. Aaron Rodgers has had a tremendous postseason, and I see that continuing Sunday. Final score: Packers 27, Steelers 23. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Alan. That's fantastic. Nice job! What about the Tutankhamun headdress and stuff? What's that all about?"

(Alan): "I had a crazy weekend, Dave."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Did you lose a black glove? I saw one today down by 48th and 9th Avenue." ••• Chris Elliott (who Paul plays on with his "Bananas" song) plugs Eagleheart. ••• While Gerard Mulligan didn't join Chris as usual, we get tape of a mockumentary with Gerard and Chris's daughter Bridget "Bridey" Elliott, "Chris and Gerry with the NYPD." Chris began with Dave on Late Night from its start, and eventually became a writer. Dave announced Abby Elliott's birth on Late Night on 6/17/87. Chris says of his daughters, "I'm very proud of both of them," then goes on to say, "I've gotta tell you, the first time that Abby was announced on SNL, I was so proud, but the... and I mean this sincerely now... the proudest moment for me was when you announced her and she came out on this show." ••• The National sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/02/11 [3438]: Photoshop fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg as a groundhog. ••• monologue: Charlie Sheen's home is known as Villa de Kilo. ••• After his latest incidents, Charlie Sheen is rehabbing at home, and there's a picture: Al Pacino in Scarface, with cocaine all over him ••• monologue: Late Show correspondent Bob Jenkins is in Cairo. /

(Dave): "Bob, can you hear me? Bob? How's it goin'? What's the scene like in Cairo now, Bob?"

(Bob, with Egypt in the background): "Well, I'm tellin' you, nobody can even get into Cairo. I'm standing backstage in front of a green screen."

(Dave): "Uh huh. And, do you have any information on the latest developments at all, Bob?"

(Bob is now seen in front of the green screen, with chroma keying off.)

(Bob): "No."

(Dave): "OK, thanks, Bob. We'll check in later. Bob, do you have any idea why I have my fingers in my ear?"

(Bob): "I have no idea."

(Dave): "OK, thank you very much. Bob Jenkins from the backstage area."

(Thanks to Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson for his powerful portrayal of Mr. Jenkins.)

••• For those who enjoy current events, it's "Happening Now." / video:
(title graphic)

(outside shot of someone's home, plus theme music, "Need to Know," by Phil Garrod, Reed Hays and Scott P. Schreer)

(clip): man washing his hands

(voice-over): "11:42 P.M.: The mayor of Punxsutawney is still washing off the groundhog smell."

(title graphic)

(voice-over): " 'Happening Now' "

(The Late Show sometimes uses Freeplay Music for these skits, I expect in part because they're Dave's neighbors at 1650 Broadway.)

••• Dave saw a peculiar announcement on The Weather Channel® today. / video:
(The Weather Channel® logo)

(highway scene)

(voice-over): "And now, a Weather Channel Update: Already this year we've seen a snowpocalypse, a snowtastrophe and snowmageddon. In the coming weeks, our experts predict we'll also face a snowphoon, a snowzzard, and a dreaded snowdicament. And it's only going to get worse. Spring is right around the corner, and that means we could face a party cloudy-pocalypse, a sunny and mild-tastrophe, or worst of all: pleasantly warmageddon. This has been a Weather Channel® Update."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave's our TV buddy, a stand-up guy and a straight shooter. He's on our side. Nobody else counts. Every Late Show is an open house. Paul meets audience members and takes their coats. There's dining and dancing. It's like a safe house. Dave and Paul wrap the audience in their bosom. They give back. Dave and Paul care more about the needs of humanity than the Red Cross. Only seconds into the preshow audience visit, Dave can tell how the show will go. He's wearing a new tie tonight. An audience lady up close was giving a horrified stare at the tie. Dave has to pretend that she slipped and hit her head in the tub, and it's not his fault.
••• interruption: The "givl you" guy is off-camera, screaming "hey." Dave greets the gentleman person, who seems to be a disgruntled staff member. He explains that he's going to be away from work for two days, and just wanted to leave behind some "givl you" sentiments. Alan gets The Finger, Paul gets The Finger and Dave gets double-barrel fingers! ••• Top Ten Signs Your Weather Forecaster Is Losing It ••• desk chat: Whatever Ryan Seacrest tweets, Dave's going to tweet, too, pretending that he thought of it originally. ••• Kate Walsh plugs Private Practice, and has some silly-looking little train case with Boyfriend™ perfume, including stuff you can smear on your face. Right on cue, Dave eats all of the products, which we presume have lots of vitamins. Kate's a good guest. ••• desk chat: Live with Regis and Kelly had a huge tweet, and Dave claims that Martha Stewart will bitch slap him on Friday's episode. (Does anyone ever get bastard slapped?) ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Norwich Shopper, Norwich, New York: "FOUND HOUSE CAT. Only 3 legs. Call to identify."
  • Times-Colonist, Victoria, British Columbia: "Corn on the cob, 4 for $1.00. Works out to 25¢ Each."
  • Park Rapids Enterprise, Park Rapids, Minnesota: "Incident Report: small silver car in Straight River Township is in ditch, male driver and dog walking down the road and appear intoxicated."
  • (vetoed by Dave)
  • (vetoed by Dave)
  • (vetoed by Dave)
  • Phillipsburg Mail, Phillipsburg, Montana: "For Sale: Liquor at Liquor Store prices"
  • Times-Reporter, New Philadephia, Ohio: "A... resident told officers... he was going for medical treatment after another man had dumped a bucket of orange worms in his face. He claimed some went up his nose and his head was 'all messed up now.' "
  • The After 50 News, Tonawanda, New York: (application form): "Join the After 50 Birthday Club. You must be 21 years to join."
••• Jim Gaffigan plugs his new play, That Championship Season, opening on February 9 at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre, 242 W. 45th St., right next to Times Square. ••• The Boxer Rebellion sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/03/11 [3439]: monologue: Justin Bieber was interviewed on Monday's telecast, and we'll see him deliver a Top Ten tomorrow. Dave claims that people have been lining up to catch a glimpse of Justin tomorrow (which will be quite a feat, since his TTL was taped on Monday). / outside cam to 53rd St.: Speaker of the House John Boehner, sobbing, of course, is holding a sign, "I have Bieber Fever." ••• Tomorrow night we'll see Barbara Walters' special on celebrities who have had successful heart procedures, including herself, Dave and Bill Clinton. / video: During Dave's segment, in a clip of him at his command module, his heart falls right out of him, onto his desk! ••• interruption: Pat Farmer strolls onstage packing fire. Yup. He has a Molotov cocktail, in honor of all the unrest in Egypt this past few days. Pat calls it a Molotov coffee. It's in a Late Show mug, which is a nice touch. Dave runs him off. ••• Charlie Sheen's in rehab in his home this time. Good luck with that. (Why has Dave been calling him Sheehan instead of Sheen?) / live video: A dump truck belonging to Metro Cocaine® of Hollywood backs up to his yard, tips the bed and deposits a veritable mountain of a white, powdery, addictive-looking substance on Charlie's lawn. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:

For those lucky enough to live in New York City, there's always something to talk about. It's the city that never sleeps, for goodness sakes. Anyway, during the preshow visit Dave talked to Tony, and what a conversation they had! Tony told Dave he lives on the Upper West Side. It turns out Tony would rather live on the Upper East Side.
••• interruption: A middle-aged man wearing a trench coat and hat begins delivering a pep talk to Dave. /
(man): "Well, look at you. Look at you. You've been doin' this for decades. Now, it's been a long journey getting here. It took guts. It took blood. It took sweat. Took tears. And determination. Sure, sure they knocked you down, but you built yourself back up... stronger, better, tougher. And now it's time to soar! Show 'em your spirit! Show 'em your heart! Show 'em everything ya got, because Jay, it's Thursday, and it's time for "Jaywalking."

(Dave): "You know, I'm sorry. I'm Dave. We're just gettin' ready to do the Top Ten list here."

(man, facing the camera): "Oh. Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

(CBSO): phony SNL theme song

(Dave): "The president of Title Town, Vince Lombardi."

••• Top Ten Ways New York City Is Healthier Than Ever ••• desk chat: Dave's holding a Playbill. He wants us to know that the pep talk was delivered by Dan Lauria, who stars in Lombardi, playing at the Circle in the Square Theatre, just down the street at 1633 Broadway. ••• Howard Stern, in three segments, has fun complimenting Dave and bashing Big Jaw, discussing psychotherapy and meditation, and tossing a couple of zingers at Dave and Paul before he's done. It was an awesome performance by Howard! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Howard ••• Naughty by Nature sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/04/11 [3440]: Fox will air Super Bowl XLV on Sunday. As usual, there will be endless televised pregame events. / video:

(NFL on FOX graphic)

(voice-over): "Sunday on Fox, the Pittsburgh Steelers face the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XLV. Join Joe Buck and Troy Aikman for Fox's comprehensive pregame coverage, beginning at 4 A.M. with the action-packed ball-inflating ceremony."

(clip): football being inflated with a bicycle pump

(voice-over): "Only on Fox."

••• It's a brand new segment for Sweeps month: "Ideas Too Dumb for the Late Show" / video:
(title graphic and wacky theme music)

(voice-over): "Steven Tyler and Lester."

(Steven's a ventriloquist and Lester's a dummy. It's a spoof of the famous Willie Tyler and Lester.)

(Lester): "I've got a cousin who lives in this building. He's a coffee table in 4C."

(rubber stamp): "TOO DUMB!"

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Ideas Too Dumb for the Late Show.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that on Monday, February 7, Paul Shaffer will join the Tisziji Muñoz Quartet at Dizzy's Club Coca Cola in the Time Warner Center. Dave calls on Paul to fill in the details. Paul calls Tisziji his jazz mentor. Bob Moses will be there, too. It's confusing, because all the billing shows this club in Lincoln Center. ••• desk chat:
"Television's supposed to be easy," Dave opines. You like to think you're making an impression if you're on TV. Today Dave was dropping Harry off at school when he encountered a woman delivering her two kids. She said to Dave, "You're on television!" Dave thinks he's going to be Mr. Bigshot in front of Harry, and says, "Yes, I am." She replies, "Larry King, right?"
••• Justin Bieber presents the Top Ten Reasons It's Fun to Be Justin Bieber. It was a quality TTL, with solid delivery by Justin. ••• out of commercial: Justin's playing Anton Fig's drums. ••• It's cooking with Martha Stewart, who smears frosting or something on Dave's nose. He asked for it! Martha had a lip cut the other day when her French bulldog, Francesca, head butted her by accident. For the first time in a long time, we're treated to tape of Dave being bitten in the face by a Stupid Pet Tricks doggie on 6/16/00. (Seriously, Dave didn't mean to step on his tail!) (How on earth did the control room bring up that 10-year-old clip so fast?) ••• desk chat: Dave's very sorry about asking Martha if she still hears from other ex-cons. ••• "Late Show Audio Technician Tom Herrmann's Movie Review" / video:
(title graphic)

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "It's time for 'Late Show Audio Technician Tom Herrmann's Movie Review.' Tonight Tom reviews the new Ashton Kutcher-Natalie Portman romantic comedy, No Strings Attached."

(shot of Tom): The usual scowl is all we get.

(Michael Z. McIntee): "This has been 'Late Show Audio Technician Tom Herrmann's Movie Review.' Join us next week for Tom's review of Romeo and Juliet."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Did you know that in 2010, the 6th most popular name for boys was Facebook? You can look it up." ••• Robert Plant interview ••• Buddy Miller and Patty Griffin join Robert Plant for a selection from "Band of Joy." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/07/11 [3441]: [Paul had to leave after Act 3 tonight. As announced last week, he's playing with the Tisziji Muñoz Quartet at Dizzy's Club Coca Cola in the Time Warner Center at Lincoln Center.] ••• There's lots of Super Bowl XLV fun tonight. / Photo 1: Cameron Diaz is feeding Alex Rodriguez popcorn. Photo 2: Cameron's feeding A-Rod a huge turkey leg. Photo 3: She's feeding something to John Madden. ••• Christina Aguilera embarrassed herself by mixing up the words to the National Anthem at last night's Super Bowl. / video: Through the magic of video editing, suddenly Christina's performance is messed up even worse than was once thought. ••• "Super Bowl Commercial Recap" / video:

(title graphic)

(numerous commercial clips)

(voice-over): "Dumb guy loves beer. Dumb guy loves chips. Dumb guy loves soda. Sexual innuendo. Gay innuendo. Movie where stuff blows up. Movie where stuff blows up. No idea. Movie where stuff blows up. Monkeys. Talking baby. Talking animals. Talking cars. Dogs act like people. Chicks. Chicks. Guy hit in nuts."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Follow the Late Show on Twitter at twitter.com/Late_Show." ••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the unreleased Sports Illustrated, with a photo of the Green Bay Packers celebrating their Super Bowl XLV victory. One of the two players pictured is Kansas State's All-American, wide receiver Jordy Nelson! ••• Aaron Rodgers hasn't arrived yet. We're tracking a helicopter that will land at Teterboro. Dave hopes he'll still be sweaty upon arrival at the Ed. ••• Biff comes out to set up "Biff Henderson at Super Bowl XLV." / video:
(title graphic)

(clips): football action

(Biff's clips): 1. Cheese heads sing something from Glee. 2. Cowboy Stadium has the world's largest television. Biff watches Jersey Shore. 3. Biff's with Rev. Jesse Jackson, Rich Eisen, Maria Menounos, more fans and a geezer he thinks is Brett Favre. 4. "Biff Henderson's One-on-One Celebrity Interview": a four-word interview with Christina Aguilera 5. Biff pushes a button in the stadium tunnel. An unlucky basbard is ejected from a blimp overhead. 6. Biff's with Daryn Colledge, Clay Matthews, Graham Harrell, Aaron's brother Luke Rodgers, Ted Thompson, James Starks, Donald Lee and Andrew Quarless. 7. Biff then enters the locker room; however, he emerges eight seconds later and reports, "Way too many nekked dudes in there!"

(title graphic)

••• Ladies and gentlemen, Paul has left the building. ••• Super Bowl XLV MVP Aaron Rodgers / Dave goes down to toward the audience and catches a pass from Aaron. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I've been warned not to bother Adam Sandler anymore." ••• video: Dave's awesome football catch ••• desk chat on Aaron Rodgers: "If I looked like that guy, you could all just kiss my ass!" ••• Martin Lawrence plugs Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son. ••• Steel Magnolia sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Super Bowl Party]

2/08/11 [3442]: monologue: "There's a pothole over on 8th Avenue that's so deep it has its own gift shop." / video: It's Shecky's male and female cave explorers clip that was used as Harry Smith's colonoscopy back in 2010. ••• Today is Nick Nolte's 70th birthday, and what a party there was! / Photoshop fun: It's Nick's 2002 booking photo, with a fun party hat added. (Seriously... how about a shampoo, Nick?) ••• Dick Cheney has announced that he considers Hosni Mubarak a good friend. Dick's had more than his share of heart problems. He has a prototype mechanical heart device that sets in front of his chest, like an accordion. It looks like a computer with some plumbing added. Why is smoke curling up from the contraption? ••• February 11 will be the fifth anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face while hunting. (There are different claims on the actual date.) Dave holds his hand to his ear as he gets word that a live shot of the anniversary celebration is underway. / video: We hear a shotgun being cocked, as we see a cute birthday cake. Oops. Someone just blew the cake to smithereens. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Don't go nowhere!" ••• desk chat: 1. Dave reflects on past visits from Adam Sandler. My logs show Adam doing stand-up on Late Night on 4/04/91, when he was 24 years old. 2. Dave wants to talk about Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, where stagehands are dying left and right. / video:

(clips): Spider-Man scenes

(clip): fans gathered outside the theater

(voice-over): "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is the most exciting show on Broadway. Listen to what audience members are saying!"

(Producer Brian Teta, who didn't take off running for once): "I got blood on my shirt!"

(unknown female): "It was the biggest piece of (censored) fun. Thank you!"

(Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis, holding a stage light): "The guy next to me got hit by a light. I got to keep the light!"

(voice-over): "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark: Buy your tickets now!"

••• interruption: After we open the thing for the TTL, Dan Lauria, as Vince Lombardi, shows up in the #1 guest chair. Vince offers tidbits of sports wisdom after each TTL entry, for example: "Jerry Kramer used to drive across the border, just to beat up Canadians." / Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Cable Channel ••• desk chat acrobatics: Dave practices his spins of dual-eraser pencils. He eventually scores a 10. ••• Adam Sandler plugs Just Go with It. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• outside cam: Chris Colfer poses for pictures on 53rd St. ••• Chris Colfer plugs Glee. ••• video: The hitch kick (dance kick) Colfer was talking about ••• Gang of Four sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/09/11 [3443]: [The Beatles played for the first time on the Ed Sullivan Theater stage 47 years ago tonight. Will Lee told his Facebook friends today that he's excited to be able to sing four Beatles songs tonight. He's a member of The Fab Faux, but you knew that.] ••• Dave's been squawking about New York City potholes the last few days. He reports there's a bad one on 53rd St. / outside cam: There it is, and the Late Show's own Biff Henderson is spelunking in the thing. He reports that it's around six feet deep. ••• interruption: Dave glances over to Alan Kalter. What is Big Red up to now? He has a ridiculous Margaret Thatcher wig, pearls, too, and is about to audition for the lead in a movie about her. Alan's not pleased to learn that Streep already has the part. Dave says, "He had to go out and buy the jewelry. Everything else, he had." ••• interruption: Naturally we home viewers thought it was a gag at first, but we hear a siren outside. Jerry Foley manages to bring up an outside camera. There's an ambulance headed down 53rd St. ••• Michelle Obama says she got Barack to stop smoking. Could she get John Boehner to stop sobbing? / video: John Boehner sobbing ••• monologue: Dave congratulations Regis and Kelly for 10 years on the show together, and recalls that Regis' first co-host was Eve. (You know, that old-time lady who didn't have a last name.) ••• Al Gore has a network, Current TV. / video with a programming rundown:

(voice-over): "Coming up tonight on Current TV prime time, from eight to nine, Al Gore Goes Up and Down on a Scissor Lift. From nine to 10, it's Dick Cheney Gasping. And from 10 to 11, watch former vice-president Walter Mondale compete on Wipeout."

(clip): A weight dropped off a diving board onto some floaty thing bounces Walter off and into a pool.

(voice-over): "That's tonight, here on Current TV."

••• Michelle Obama did get Barack to stop smoking, but he substituted something else. / video: The president's in the middle of a televised address. He has a spittoon on the desk, a package of Red Man®, and a big ol' bulge on his right cheek. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. Dave again mentions the Beatles' appearance 47 years ago. Paul does his Ed Sullivan impression. 2. Dave ran over to Live with Regis and Kelly this morning to congratulate them on 10 years together. Michelle Obama was on the show, and Dave met her. Michelle wanted to hug him, and Dave claims the Secret Service put the smack down on him moments later. (Oh, and Regis made a complete fool of himself.) ••• Lindsay Lohan was formally charged with felony theft this week, for allegedly lifting a $2,500 necklace. / Top Ten Signs Lindsay Lohan Is Out of Control ••• Anderson Cooper plugs Anderson Cooper 360 and tells about being beaten up in Egypt the other day. Dave recommends a helmet. ••• Sir Elton John interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, plus Alan has a shout-out for his posse. ••• more Elton John ••• Elton John and Leon Russell sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/10/11 [3444]: monologue: It's another look at Dick Cheney's heart pump, positioned in front of his chest like an accordion, looking like a computer with plumbing, and smoking like overheated toast. / video ••• Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY) resigned today. It seems that he posted a shirtless picture of himself to Craigslist. Why, exactly, a married man would do that remains to be seen. / We see the clip of House Speaker Boehner blubbering after hearing the news. ••• Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in Venice, California today on a charge of stealing a $2,500 necklace. / She had an interesting interaction with the judge. / video and doctored audio:

(Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz): "Miss Lohan will be remanded. Bail set at $20,000. Miss Lohan, if you violate the law, I will revoke your bail. If you make any more horrible movies, I will revoke your bail."

(Lohan): nods

(Schwartz): "I liked Mean Girls, but everything you've done since then is garbage."

(Lohan): nods

(Schwartz): "If you record another album, I will send you to prison for life."

(Lohan): nods

(Schwartz): "But, I have a question. Can you introduce me to Herbie the Love Bug?"

(Lohan): "Yes, sir."

(Schwartz): "Great. That's good. Court is adjourned."

(Lohan): Gets up to leave.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. It's more excitement with the preshow audience visit. We have to help a woman from the Poconos. She's reached the end of her rope. She's bitterly depressed. 2. Dave says he's in a commercial he knows nothing about. / video: We see the clip of George W. Bush in Japan, unable to open the doors to a room. Dave visited Live with Regis and Kelly yesterday, and couldn't find his way out. / voice-over: "How's it feel, ass****?" (A Message from George W. Bush) ••• There's nonstop trouble in Egypt, as the natives want the multibillionaire to resign. He's not going anywhere. / video:


(voice-over): "And now, 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' "

(Dave, at desk): "Hosni, Hosni, Hosni..."

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Late Show's Message to Hosni Mubarak.' "

••• Top Ten Hosni Mubarak Future Plans ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi plugs her book, A Shore Thing. ••• NASA has examined the electronic systems in Toyota vehicles that accelerated unexpectly back in 2010. They've found no fault with the vehicles' electronics. Akio Toyoda is back with us to address the findings. /
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, he's here tonight. Please make him feel at home. Akio Toyoda."

(The CEO bows.)

(Akio Toyoda): "I am Akio Toyoda. Thank you and good evening. NASA rocket scientists have tested Toyota cars. Guess what, cars just fine. No problem, just fine. Cars just fine. Remember trouble? Cars going too fast. HA HA HA HA. Not my problem. HA HA HA HA. Problem is you. You! Rocket scientists. Rocket scientists test cars. Problem is you. Cars go too fast. Help. Help. Help. HA HA HA HA. Problem is you big, fat, tubby Americans. Rocket scientists test our cars. HA HA HA HA. Buy more cars. Good night and thanks."

(The CEO bows and quickly exits the stage.)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Follow the Late Show on Twitter at twitter.com/Late_Show." ••• Judah Friedlander plugs his new book, How to Beat Up Anybody: An Instructional and Inspirational Karate Book by the World Champion. ••• Bryan Ferry sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/11/11 [3445]: "Checking in with Charlie" (Sheen) / video:

(photo of Charlie's mailbox)

(voice-over): "Having a particularly difficult day of home rehab, Charlie Sheen breaks down and shines his porn star signal."

(Photoshop fun): We see a naughty-looking silhouette of a woman on the clouds.

(FX): air raid siren

(voice-over): "This has been 'Checking in with Charlie.' "

••• Today's the supposed five-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face. There's controversy over which day it actually was. It's another look at Dick Cheney's heart pump, positioned in front of his chest like an accordion, looking like a computer with plumbing, and smoking like overheated toast. / video ••• This week marks the 135th Westminster Kennel Club Show. To help mark the occasion, we have another look at Donald Trump's barking, growling hair. ••• February 12, 1809 was the birthday of Abraham Lincoln, and Burt Reynolds was born on February 11, 1936. / "Burt Reynolds and Abraham Lincoln Eerie Similarities" / video:
(title graphic)

(wacky photos and animations to go with the narration)

(voice-over): "Both looked better with facial hair. Both posed nude for Cosmopolitan magazine. Burt Reynolds loved hilarious slapstick. So did Abe."

(animation): Abe kicks a Union soldier in the nuts.

(voice-over): "So did Abe. This message was brought to you by the Chubb Corporation."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave belatedly announces that Craig Ferguson of WPI's own Late Late Show and wife Megan Wallace-Cunningham welcomed baby Liam James Ferguson on January 31. ••• It's the opening montage for the TTL, with a message from Alan Kalter. /
(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by This Guy."

(photo of Production Coordinator Michael Z. McIntee)

(Alan): "Middle-aged. Overweight. Balding. This Guy. A Division of That Guy."

(photo of Film Coordinator Rick "Shecky" Scheckman)

(Alan): "This Guy. A Division of That Guy."

••• desk chat: Dave says a camera on the audience shows that one guy laughed at everything Dave said. / clips ••• Top Ten Restaurants That Still Have Reservations Available for Valentine's Day / #10: Chuck E. Sheen's, #8: Outbreak Steakhouse, #5: Squirrel Fil-A, #3: Tavern on the Gangrene ••• Odd Dave moment: Dave uses the desk microphone as his comedy dial. He dials it back just a touch. ••• Ed Helms plugs Cedar Rapids. He's an expert model helicopter pilot. Seriously. We're treated to two or three minutes of amazing piloting by Ed, while Dave tears the crap out of his 'copter. (My nephew asked for one of those 'copters for Christmas. He and many of his fellow medical students use 'em for stress relief.) ••• Alan Kalter has unfortunately asked for some air time. /
(Dave): "Something happened... something untoward happened before the program. Our announcer, Alan Kalter, came up to me in the hallway, and we've told him not to do that, and he said if we have a couple of seconds on the show, he has a couple of things that he would like to impart to the audience... some things to get off his mind. And darn the luck, as much time as I've stalled and wasted here, we have a couple of seconds. So, Alan, it's all yours. Take it away. Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen."

(Alan): "Thank you. Thank you, my love. For the past 48 hours, I have been the victim of a celebrity death hoax. That's right. Rumors of my passing swept the Internet, the newspapers and bulletin boards, and adult novelty shops."

(Dave interrupts): "Now, you know, I've not heard about this, and I'm just thinking about this here. Technically, are you a celebrity? That's maybe the..."

(Alan, scowling at Dave): "I would like to assure my multitude of fans that Big Red is alive and well."

(Audience members cheer and applaud.)

(Alan): "While I'm at it, I'd like to answer a few other rumors that are circulating about me:

  • The tattoo on my back is a black mamba.
  • I'm banned from all Fudruckers restaurants, not Applebee's.
  • And yes, once, in the Yankees' dugout, during the off-season (but we were three mature adults with the express written consent of Major League Baseball).
(Alan concludes): Happy Chinese New Year everybody. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Thank you, Alan. Thank you so very much."

••• desk chat: Dave crashes his helicopter. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Ted Alexandro does stand-up. ••• The Dears sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/14/11 [3446]: monologue: "Say goodbye to Hosni. Goodbye Hosni! So he's stepping down, and that was a surprise. He has a speech. He says, 'I'm not leavin' 'til September.' A couple of hours later he says, 'Guess what. I'm gone!' So of course what you have to be asking yourself, 'Well, is he really leaving, or is he just pullin' a Leno?' " ••• On February 11, Hosni Mubarak resigned as president of Egypt. The show is hooked up with a guy with the Department of State in Egypt. He has access to Hosni's answering machine, making possible the segment "Hosni Mubarak's Final Voicemails." / video

(title graphic)

  • "This is lobby security. Your kebabs are here"
  • "You suck!"
  • "Hi, Hosni, if you want to come down to the 8th floor, we're having a little birthday party for Annette. See you there!"
  • "You suck!"
••• "53rd Annual Grammy Awards Highlights" / video:
(title graphic)

(background music: "Forget You" by Cee Lo Green

  • Lady Antebellum wins "Record of the Year"
  • Performance by Eminem and Rihanna
  • A disoriented and naked Charlie Sheen ruins the Grammys. (Charlie's business is covered by a pink blob that looks like a tutu.
(title graphic)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "My Valentine's Day didn't go so well. Turns out women like candy message hearts, not candy message livers. I'm just screwin' with you. Keep it locked in, Loretta Lynn." ••• desk chat: 1. Congratulations to Bill Murray and partner D. A. Points on their victory in the Pebble Beach National Pro-Am golf tournament on Sunday. 2. We see a shot of the billboard at 52nd St. and Broadway, where the Sports Illustrated cover will soon be unveiled. 3. Dave and Harry went skiiing to Devil's Toilet recently. Dave went first. Then Harry called to Dave, who turned around, only to find himself skiing backward. A kid plows into Dave. Then the kid's mother asks if Dave skiied into "Larry." Dave made her swallow her ski pole. ••• Top Ten Good Things About Appearing in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, presented by Izabel Goulart, Damaris Lewis, Genevieve Morton, Hilary Rhoda, Irina Shayk, Chrissy Teigen, Alyssa Miller, Kate Upton, Julie Henderson and Anne Vee / a rose for each presenter ••• desk chat: Dave shows a magazine ad for Satan's Toilet Ski Lodge. (He was confused about the name earlier.) ••• Tom Brokaw ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• An outside cam takes us to the corner of 52nd St. and Broadway, where on top of a building the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model billboard will be revealed. Also, a camera in the green room captures the models' reaction to the news that Irina Shayk is on the cover. ••• Theophilus London sings (with Sara Quinn). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/15/11 [3447]: awesome video editing fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg riding a Westminster Kennel Club doggie bareback. (x2) ••• An IBM supercomputer named Watson has been playing humans like Ken Jennings in Jeopardy!, and he/it has been doing well, as we see in "Watson on Jeopardy!" / video:

(title graphic and Jeopardy! theme song)

(Alex Trebek): "From the Latin for 'end,' this is where trains can also originate."

(Watson): "What is 'finis?'

(Alex): "No."

(Watson): "Son of a bitch!!"

••• Ex-Congressman Christopher Lee (R-NY) resigned on February 9 after posting his shirtless picture on Craigslist. He's really making the rounds. / Photoshop fun: Now he's on the cover of the next Sports Illustrated. ••• Tiger Woods was playing golf in Dubai over the weekend, and he was fined for spitting. / video:
(clip): Tiger is walking across a green, carrying a putter.

(FX): We hear a patooey sound and see some gum or spit or who-knows-what emitted from Tiger's mouth. Guess what! The mystery substance banks off the golf ball, which rolls it to the hole and sinks the putt!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tonight's Late Show Magic Number is 14. Use it in conversation as much as possible." ••• desk chat: 1. There's a camera on the billboard over 52nd St. and Broadway that now displays Irina Shayk's Sports Illustrated cover. Dave says he can see it from his office window. 2. Continuing the same topic, Dave reports there was bedlam in the green room last night when the models were gathered for the unveiling of the magazine cover. / video: It's catfight footage from one of those women's prison movies. ••• Joy Philbin presents the Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through My Mind When Regis Announced His Retirement from "Live!" / #8: If he thinks he's going to be home all day, I better stock up on Advil™ and Kahlua™. ••• Regis comes out from backstage after Joy's presentation. ••• Forest Whitaker plugs Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. ••• A recent interview in the Washington Post listed things that could ruin a job interview, including talking too much, not listening intently and lying, of all things! Paul's very interested in the article. He goes on and on. At one point, Dave teasingly calls his hero, Paul, "Metronome Breath." It brought to mind the time when Johnny Carson said to Ed McMahon, "Wrong-o, Caribou Breath." Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Dave informs Paul that there are some additional things that could ruin an interview, and here they are:
  • offering an unsolicited urine sample
  • Show up in coat, tie and underpants.
  • Ask if salary can be paid in caramels.
  • During interview, pull out a Subway® Footlong™ Meatball Hoagie.
  • When asked about prior salary, say "waaay more than you make!"
  • prefacing every sentence with "this may be the booze talking"
  • inviting interviewer to pick a prize from your pants pocket
  • saying "I'm here to pull your company out of the toilet."
  • grabbing interviewer by the collar and screaming, "Who sent you?"
  • walking through the office and mentioning which staffers you would fire
  • beginning your interview by whispering, "You smell purty."
  • refusing to answer any questions until you see the company president's birth certificate
  • administering a headlock, half nelson or almost any other wrestling hold
  • Under references, list "Mommy."
  • arriving for the interview in a giant egg
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Reminder: Today's Late Show Lucky Number is 14. Have you been using it?" ••• 2011 Sports Illustrated cover model Irina Shayk ••• Josh Groban (with the Harlem Gospel Choir) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/16/11 [3448]: Beloved Korean dictator Kim Jong Il's 69th birthday is today, and we have video of the Jongster dancing at his birthday party. / Well, maybe it's some of Shecky's footage. It's black and white. ••• interruption: Dave notices that something's amiss. /

(Dave): "Paul?"

(Paul): "Sir?"

(Dave): "Where... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Where is, uh, where is Alan Kalter, our announcer?"

(We look toward Alan's perch at stage left.)

(unknown man, dressed in a bright green outfit that, other than its color, looks like a Lloyd Bridges skin diving suit): "Alan had another gig. We're gonna add him in post."

••• interruption: Head stagehand Pat Farmer comes onstage wearing one of those medals with a multicolored ribbon. /
(Dave): "Hi!"

(Dave, to the audience): "It's Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands."

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Hi, Pat. Welcome to the show."

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave."

(Dave): "You know... we're right in the... that's alright. We're right, we're right in the middle of the... but it's alright."

(Pat): "Dave, I bought this sweater yesterday. I was wondering what you think of it."

(Dave): "What do I think of that sweater? Oh, it's nice! Paul, what do you think?"

(Paul): "Well, I think it's... it's impressive."

(Dave): "Yeah, it looks good!

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you."

(Pat): "I got this, too, yesterday... the Presidential Medal of Freedom."

(Dave): "Wow! That's, that's beautiful! I saw the awards ceremony. Was that at the White House?"

(Pat): "Yes, it was."

(Dave): "Did you have any videotape of that?"

(Pat): "I have a clip, Dave. Wanna take a look?"

(Dave): "Pat Farmer wins the Presidential Medal of Freedom!"

(Paul): "That's pretty good."

(Dave): "Yeah... let's see this. That's amazing!"

(doctored video): Barack Obama places the medal's ribbon around Pat's neck.

(audience applauds)

(Dave): "Wow! I mean, my God, Pat! I've gotta say. I mean, you're a tremendous theatrical asset, here as a stagehand, but I had no idea! I mean, how did you get the..."

(Pat): "Ummm, I'm pretty active in the Rotary Club."

(Dave): "OK. Alright, that's great. Thank you very much."

(Pat exits the stage.)

••• Hickory, a Scottish Deerhound, won Best in Show at the 2011 Westminster Kennel Club Show yesterday. He got a congratulatory call from Bo, the White House dog. He'll probably replace Regis! There was a big party afterward, and the dog was out all night partying. / (Nick Nolte's booking photo from 2002) ••• Lady Gaga arrived at the Grammys in a plastic egg. The media went crazy covering it. / "Lady Gaga at the Grammy Awards" /
(anchors): "Insert your own, uh, egg pun here." "Egg-cellent act." "Egg-cellent night." "Eggcentric." "Eggceptional performance." "Eggcellent arrival." "...whether you think she's eggcellent." "An eggstraordinary... outfit." "So eggceptional." "Eggstraordinary." "Absolutely the best eggtrance, ever!" "Well, she finally came out of her shell!" "Shell shocked." "Which came first, the Gaga or the egg?" "The yolk is no joke." "I hear Lady Gaga's performance went over easy with the crowd." "Eggspress yourself."
••• An IBM supercomputer named Watson has been playing humans like Ken Jennings in Jeopardy!, and he/it has been doing well, as we see in "Watson on Jeopardy!" / video:
(title graphic and Jeopardy! theme song)

(Alex Trebek): "Stylish elegance or students who all graduated in the same year."

(Watson): "What is 'chic?'

(Alex): "No."

(Watson): fires off a missile and destroys Alex's head. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:

  1. A lady in the front row was staring at Dave during the preshow questions like he was trespassing.
  2. A guy leaned over to his wife and said, "He's a son of a bitch."
  3. Dave wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. A truck was out in front earlier, putting neon in a neon sign. The truck pulled away, and a bottle of Mobil® transmission fluid fell out of the truck. Then the truck backed up and smashed the bottle, showering audience members with transmission fluid. / videotape of the mess and the squished bottle
  4. Last week, Dave did a TTL for the Grammys, and there was a Lindsay Lohan entry. The next day, a guy called to tell Dave that Lindsay thought the joke was funny. She wanted to be on the show and do a TTL. Pat O'Keefe in publicity put out a press release. Then Lindsay Lohan called to inform Dave that he was duped.
  5. Dave got an e-mail from a company today, Johnston & Murphy Shoes. Dave replied to warn them to never e-mail again. Five minutes later, he got an e-mail thanking him for his reply.
  6. On Monday, Irina Shayk was announced as the 2011 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model. She was a guest on LSDL yesterday. Look what happened today! / (outside cam): The wind is turning pages of the magazine. Then the subscription postcard falls out and down to the sidewalk, penetrating the abdomen and chest of an innocent bystander, killing the poor bastard.
  7. (This one came after a commercial.): An audence guy wanted to buy the two new guest chairs.
••• Top Ten Highlights of Kim Jong-Il's Birthday Celebration ••• 2011 National Grocery Bagging Champion Krystal Smith competes with Dave. She wins. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • (more on Johnston & Murphy Shoes)
  • Sioux City Journal, Sioux City, Iowa: "FREE PAIR OF PAREKETT'S TO GOOD FAMILY. TO SMALL TO EAT." (Don't blame me for the spelling.)
  • The Dispatch, Lexington, North Carolina: "Man called 911 requesting a hooker"
  • The Star-News, McCall, Idaho: (Camp Meeting Advertisement): "Chili Cook-off on Friday, August 13 — Beef, Wild Game, Vegetarian and Road Kill"
  • The Register-Herald, Eaton, Ohio: "FOUND — A Denture Plate, around 800 N. Barron St. ... LAST CHANCE!!"
  • The Washington Post, Washington, D.C.: (TV listings): "The Tonight Show With David Letterman" and "Late Show With David Letterman"
  • Shreveport Times, Shreveport, Louisiana: "Found — URN (OCCUPIED) The name that is on it is "A. K. Powell," ... "Call Rita."
  • The Akron Beacon-Journal, Akron, Ohio: "Crime Watch — An Eastern Road man reported ... that someone broke into his home and tied a live chicken to his refrigerator by a leash made of shoelaces. Popcorn was placed on the floor for the bird to eat."
  • Kenosha News, Kenosha, Wisconsin: (headline): "Truck spill blocks highway" (photo of the accident, with the unfortunate truck on its side, showing the truck under a sign that says, "Drive Carefully."
  • Tomahawk Leader, Tomahawk, Wisconsin: (My Feed Store & Garden ad): "COME SEE EMILY THE 20 FT. RETICULATED PYTHON EAT HER 35 LB. PIG! BRING THE KIDS AND THE CAMERA!"
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Have you been injured while waiting in line for the Late Show? ••• Bill Hader plugs Paul. ••• Amos Lee sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/17/11 [3449]: Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark is a big, expensive production that's faced problems with injuries. We pay a visit to the Foxwoods Theatre at 213 West 42nd St., where a sign proclaims two days without an injury on the set! (Oops. It's a dry erase board, and it's changed to "0" before our eyes, by Spidey himself!) ••• The people of Moldova consume more alcohol per capita than any other country. Dave doesn't know too much about the country, except that it's a monarchy, and we have a picture of their king. (or not) / Photoshop fun: It's Nick Nolte's booking photo from 2002, but tonight Nick's wearing a red military jacket with lots of medals, and quite a fine crown. ••• Watson, the IBM supercomputer, has been playing and beating humans on Jeopardy!. Ken Jennings, the winningest contestant ever, lost to Watson. Dave thinks a computer has been used before, which brings us to "Daniel on Jeopardy!" / video:

(Jeopardy! theme song)

(voice of Alex Trebek): "Mandelschnitzel is a variation on wienerschnitzel using these nuts, grated or slivered."

(Up pop two slices of toast from a toaster, one with the question, "What are almonds?")

(Alex): "Yup!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a Programming Reminder ••• The CBSO opens the TTL montage. / interruption: We hear some high-powered growling. Dave the hypochondriac says, "I need a mint! He thinks at first that the growling is his own borborygmi. No, Dave's fine. When questioned, Big Red says he'll take care of it. It seems that his bear has come out of hibernation early. (How did Dave miss the opportunity to talk about hyperphagia?) Fortunately, Alan has an ice chest by his perch. He wrestles a large salmon from it, and carries it to the door near stage left. Alan throws the salmon at Mr. Bear, and has some harsh words for him regarding his early wake-up call. Audience members applaud Alan's bravery. Not only that, Dave reads from a scroll that resembles a stack of paper towels, "And the Emmy goes to Alan Kalter in Trying to Feed a Bear." The CBSO play the "Dave's Mom" theme song, whatever it is. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to Mary in the audience. She's wearing a red and white sweater that proudly proclaims "Canada." He calls for Wardrobe Supervisor Natalie Fowles Opali to take Mary to the Late Show Canadian Audience Member Changing Room, where she'll substitute a gray Late Show sweatshirt. ••• Top Ten Other Ways to Make "Jeopardy!" More Exciting ••• Mary reappears, and Dave tries to put on the Canada sweater. No such luck! The neck gets stuck on Dave's gigantic noggin. (It's not as big a noggin as Keith Olbermann's, but clearly it's bigger than Mary's.) A sightless Dave wonders aimlessly around the stage, unable to get the sweater off (or to see through the material, for that matter). It seems like a good time for a commercial. •••
Paris Hilton, who's celebrating her 30th birthday today, is with us to plug her iPhone™ application. The CBSO plays her on, as usual, with a jazzy version of "I Love Paris in the Springtime." Paris makes her entrance with a hand on a hip, like a fashion model on a runway. Anyway, back to the iPhone™ app: It lets the user pick a glamorous photo of Paris. After a picture is taken of the lonely user, the app superimposes Paris into the picture. Paris and Dave demo the app. Paris has been dating Cy Waits for about a year. Cy is a nightclub owner, if you can imagine that, and he also throws parties for up to 100,000. He's in the green room, ready to come to the rescue if Dave crosses the line with Paris, as is his custom. We see several shots of a mildly-amused Cy, who's monitoring Dave's every move.
••• Joe Grossman auditions for Live!, alongside Kelly Ripa, hoping to replace Reege later this year. Guess what! Joe blows the audition, then tries to walk off the set the wrong direction. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nathan Fillion plugs Castle, currently playing on another network (the one that Dave's never been on). ••• Scissor Sisters sing. Dave likes 'em. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/18/11 [3450]: [Dave gives us all kinds of freestyle desk chats tonight. He's gotten himself in the doghouse with Nissan Motors for mildly dissing the Juke™. Instead of getting Pete Fatovich to help deliver the Standard Apology, Dave adds fuel to the fire by buying a car from a competitor.] ••• It's Presidents' Day, and everybody has the spirit. / outside cam: The four statesmen on Mount Rushmore are wearing colorful, conical birthday hats! ••• Michelle Obama is claiming that Barack is no longer smoking. Right. Now you worry about substitute vices taking hold of the chief executive. / "A Message from the President of the United States" / video repeat from 2/09/11: The president has a spittoon on the desk, a package of Red Man®, and a big ol' bulge on his right cheek. Patooey! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "On This Date in Late Show History." / "On February 18, 1958, the Late Show was not on the air." ••• Hang onto your wigs and keys. After Act 1 we have a 5-minute desk chat:

On Monday the big billboard high atop 52nd St. and Broadway was unveiled to reveal Irina Shayk on the Sports Illustrated cover. The whole whoop-tee-do was sponsored by Nissan Motors, specifically the Juke™. In retrospect, Dave believes he made an inappropriate face. The Nissan people didn't especially appreciate it. Dave says, "If you don't want me making snarky comments about your car... then you just give me one! You just give me a car!" Dave continues to kiss up by saying, "By the way, it may have an unusual name, but this is one honey of a car! In fact, I like it so much, I own one!" Dave does an audible. He appoints Gaines to look up details. He says juke could be a football move, and then there's jukebox. Paul interjects that Dave has come up with a verb and an adjective so far. Matt Roberts is with Gaines, feverishly looking up stuff on an iPad™ or similar gadget. Paul adds, "You can use this car to fake another car out of position." "It doesn't come with turn signals," Dave explains. Now Dave's stewing about trouble with the CBS Sales Department, whatever that is. This just in: Gaines has slipped a blue card onto Dave's desk. "Oh, I can't say this. Why do you want me to say this," Dave whines. Inscribed on the blue card is, "We love Ford." Dave claims he ordered Nissan's electric car, the Leaf, which he hopes to take delivery on by the date of his funeral.
••• Top Ten Dumb Guy Tweets ••• another minute of desk chat:
Now Dave has an iPhone™ with a picture of a Juke™, which after all this excitement he calls a Tweet™. Then he calls it a Toot™. Then Chute™. Matt Roberts reports the Tweet™ has 188 horsepower. $19,995... you can go home tonight!
••• Out of commercial, the CBSO is playing Gene Chandler's #1 1962 hit, "Duke of Earl," but they're taking the liberty of changing the lyrics to "Juke of Earl." We have the mostest fun on the Late Show, don't we?! ••• desk chat:
Dave shows a picture of a Juke™. Oh boy, here we go. Now Dave says, "If there's another car in that price range, we'd rather have a Ford. Nothing against Nissan. We'd rather have a Ford." Dave addresses the audience: "I have no money. You people have no money. The Chinese have all the money. Here's what I'm gonna do: If we get a Nissan dealer or a Ford dealer in here... the first one that comes in, I'm buyin' the car." Now we have a picture of a Ford. The audience groans. Paul wants to know about options. Dave doesn't want any options. He doesn't even want floor mats. It's not like he's going to drive the thing!
••• David Spade plugs Rules of Engagement on CBS (where Dave used to work). ••• Bill Scheft delivers a club sandwich. (I'm guessing that the commercial break went way long as they waited for a dealer to show up.) ••• outside cam: Ahmed, a salesman for Manhattan Ford Lincoln Mercury Jaguar Mazda (787 11th Ave., between 54th & 55th), pulls up on 53rd St. in a 2011 Ford Fusion™. Now the fun begins.
(Ahmed): "One of America's best."

(Dave): "I'll just tell you right now, I'm going to buy the car. What's the price of the car?"

(Ahmed): "27-five."

(Dave): "27-five. OK. So here's what I'll do. I'll go $25,000. How much you got in this car? You've got 10 percent in this car, right?"

(Ahmed): "How about we meet in the middle?"

(Dave): "Uh... how about 25-five?"

(Ahmed): "Uh.. 25-nine, and we have a deal."

(Dave): "25-seven-five."

(Ahmed): "Uhhh... Oh, we're not gonna lose your business over that amount."

(Dave): "There you go! Congratulations. Thank you very much!"


(FX): ding ding ding ding ding ding ding

••• Andy Kindler does stand-up. ••• Lukas Nelson and Promise of the Real sing. (He's Willie's kid!) ••• with closing credits: Dave speeds down 53rd Street in his shiny new car.

2/21/11 [3451]: interruption: Todd Seda shows up onstage with some helpful advice for Dave. /

(Dave): "Hi. Look everybody, it's Todd. Hi Todd. How are you doin'? Could I help you with anything?"

(Todd): "Yeah, I just wanted to let you know that the Post Office is closed because it's Presidents' Day, so you won't be able to mail in tonight's performance."

(Dave): "OK. Great. Thanks for that heads up, Todd."

(Todd, very proud of himself): "No problem. Technically, it is almost Tuesday, so this joke doesn't really apply, but I killed in the morning meeting!"

(Dave): "Yeah, that's good. Well, that's fine. Thank you very much. Thanks, Todd."

(Todd): "I guess a more modern reference would have been 'phoning it in,' but that doesn't really apply to Presidents' Day."

(Dave): "No. Well, you're certainly a bright young man, but I... I know what you're saying, so thanks."

(Todd): "Damn! Do I have to do everything?!"

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. Thanks, Todd."

••• monologue: "But, what's happening now all over the world... there's a real threat to dictators, tyrannical dictators who have used brutal tactics to seize power. You know, who ought to be worried about this is Leno!" ••• "The History of Presidents Day" / video:
(title graphic and "Yankee Doodle")

(various Revolutionary War battle scene paintings)

(voice-over): "February 21, 1778: General George Washington, though heavily outnumbered, attacked the British at Mattressburg, Pennsylvania. The fighting raged around the strategically important Bed, Bath & Beyond outpost. By day's end, Washington and his heroic band had taken Mattressburg, ensuring that the people could save up to 40% on top-quality linens and bedding. This has been 'The History of Presidents Day.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about Late Show T-shirts, hoodies and notions, which for many years could be purchased at the CBS Store, conveniently located at the corner of 53rd St. and Broadway. Guess what! The store went out of business in August. Now, if you want a T-shirt, where can you go? Barbara Gaines says you can go to Rupert's, the CBS Store in Los Angeles and in Las Vegas. In New York City, you go to Rupert's Hello Deli at 213 West 53rd St. / outside cam: We have a look at Rupert at work behind the deli counter, and in the space where the beverage coolers were, there's a Late Show merchandise counter. Nice to see Rupert! ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents ••• after commercial: The Late Show Bear takes a bow. ••• Donald Rumsfeld plugs his new book, Known and Unknown. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Cobie Smulders plugs How I Met Your Mother. ••• Adele sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/22/11 [3452]: monologue: Dave has a special message for troubled 13- to 15-year-old teenagers, "Hey, kids." ••• The New York Knicks traded for Carmelo Anthony of the Nuggets. Some say they gave up too much. / video:

(graphics, and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Part 2")

(voice-over): "The New York Knicks would like to welcome All-Star forward Carmelo Anthony to the Greatest City on Earth. And, as part of the trade, we say goodbye to Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey Moagov, Eddy Curry, Anthony Randolph, Larry Hughes, Chris Duhon, Patrick Ewing, Bill Bradley, Assistant Coach Herb Williams, Athletic Trainer Roger Hinds, four 1st round draft picks, $10 million and The Knicks City Dancers."

(Knicks logo)

(voice-over): "The New York Knicks: Oh, yeah!"

••• The Yankees' pitcher, CC Sabathia, has been on a diet. Major League Baseball had him down as 290 pounds. Alex Rodriguez has dropped some weight, too. / Photoshop fun: Cameron Diaz is feeding A-Rod broccoli at Super Bowl XLV. ••• Colonel Muammar al-Gaddafi (or whatever he's called this week) was on television today, but he's left the country. / video:
Drew Carey says, "Welcome back to The Price Is Right! Rich, where is our next contestant?"

(Rich Jeffries): "Muammar Qaddafi, come on down. You're the next contestant on The Price Is Right!"

(Qaddafi runs around the studio like the usual idiot contestant.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat / Hang onto your wigs and keys... here we go:
  1. Kids never truly love you. They just want stuff from you. Then they get to be scary teenagers. They'll sneak into your room and try to smother you with pillows.
  2. Dusty the Cat lives in California. At night he goes out and steals from the neighbors. Animal Planet helped the owners get night vision footage of Dusty bringing back ill-gotten loot.
  3. Dave says that for as long as he can remember, Dorothy had a big, fat black and white cat named Churchill. He disappeared for two years, then came knocking on the door one night, asking, "What's for dinner?"
••• "The Donald Rumsfeld Interview < < Recap" / video of his appearance last night:
(title graphic)

(clips of Secretary Rumsfeld and Dave)

(Dave): "Farm?"

(Dave): "Ranch?"

(Rumsfeld): "Farm."

(Rumsfeld): "Mule."

(Rumsfeld): "Gaited mule."

(Rumsfeld): "Missouri Foxtrotter."

(Rumsfeld): "Donkey."

(Rumsfeld): "Mule."

(Rumsfeld): "Gaited mule."

(Rumsfeld): "Missouri Foxtrotter."

(Dave): "Mules."

(Dave): "Mules."

(Dave): "Mule horses."

(Dave): "Mules."

(Dave): "Mules."

(Dave): "Mule."

(Dave): "Horses."

(Dave): "Donkey and a horse?"

(Rumsfeld): "Mule, donkey and a horse."

(Dave): "Donkey?

(Rumsfeld): "Donkey can reproduce a donkey."

(Rumsfeld): "Two donkeys."

(Dave): "Mules?"

(Dave): "Mules?"

(Dave): "Saddled?"

(Dave): "Saddled."

(Rumsfeld): "Saddled."

(Dave): "Saddled."

(Dave): "Saddled."

(Dave): "Pack mules?"

(Dave): "Mule?"

(Rumsfeld): "He liked to touch people."

••• The Late Show Bear takes a bow. It's been over five years since we've seen him (played nightly by stagehand Tommy O'Brien). What? Oh, no! The bear enters stage left and heads straight for Big Red. Alan's wimpy protests and pleading result in no mercy. There is blood everywhere (and probably guts, too). Alan is crumpled on the stage floor, writhing in pain. Dave strolls over to the patient, who is desperately clutching his jugular vein. From about 10 feet away (so as not to slip on the pool of blood), Dave skillfully slides an institutional-size box of Kleenex® tissues across the floor toward Alan. (Dave probably should also have brought over the container of Purell® he keeps on the little shelf under the desk. It might have burned quite a bit, though, when applied to the affected area.) Like a true professional, Dave proceeds with the Top Ten. ••• Top Ten Surprises in Qaddafi's Address ••• Jean Chu and Jim Coleman, along with their cat burglar cat, Dusty, visit with Dave about high crimes and misdemeanors. In the dark of night, reliable as clockwork, Dusty leaves the house via the dog door and scours the community in search of soft items to bring home to his owners. Animal Planet provided night vision technology to document the crimes. Here's an inventory of items delivered to Dusty's owners' doorstep over the past 3½ years:
  • 16 car wash mitts
  • 7 sponges
  • 213 dish towels
  • 7 wash cloths
  • 5 towels
  • 18 shoes
  • 73 socks
  • 100 gloves
  • 1 pair of mittens
  • 3 aprons
  • 40 balls
  • 4 pairs of underwear
  • 1 collar
  • 6 rubber toys
  • 1 blanket
  • 3 leg warmers
  • 1 dinette set (OK... maybe not.)
  • 2 Wham-O toys
  • 1 golf head cover
  • 1 safety mask
  • 2 mesh bags
  • 1 bag water balloons
  • 11 balloons
  • pajama pants
  • 8 bathing suits
  • 8 miscellaneous objects
••• Amy Poehler plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Is This Anything?" / Harry Smith joins Paul and Dave to review a lady on stilts in a ridiculous outfit, who's sort of juggling while operating a very large hula hoop. / Harry says no. Paul liked the act. Dave says no. (too much equipment) ••• Deer Hunter sing. ••• partial credits

2/23/11 [3453]: Tony Mendez reports a few milliseconds late, and the boss gives him the business. ••• Carmelo Anthony's going to play for the Knicks. The Carnegie Deli has already named a sandwich for him, and we see a close-up photo. It looks to be upwards of 10" high. It must be held together with chopsticks! Dave reports it has pastrami, corned beef, salami, bacon, lettuce, tomato and Russian dressing. When Dave first came to New York in 1980, he got a sandwich, too. A photo shows the spicy contents: day-old ham salad, government cheese, Slim Jims®, roadside greens, cigarette butts and a good dousing of A-1®. It won't be long before Mayor Bloomberg outlaws that masterpiece. ••• Muammar Qaddafi has a team of female bodyguards. Dave has video proof from CNN: We see two babes in bikinis neutralizing an assailant. (Why does this remind me of a 70s movie?) ••• monologue: "She [Lindsay Lohan] has been in court so many times, one more visit... she gets to keep the Bible!" ••• The Academy Awards broadcast is Sunday night on ABC. / video:

(Oscars red carpet scenes)

(voice-over): "It's the biggest night in Hollywood! But if you can't wait for the Academy Awards, catch the exciting preshow, as we accidentally roll out the red carpet over 95-year-old actor Eli Wallach."

(Eli Wallach, under the carpet): "Hey! Hey! (unintelligible)"

(voice-over): "Sunday on ABC."

••• Larry King is taking a show on the road. / video:
(Larry King Live scenes)

(voice-over): "Larry King is back, and he's taking his act on the road. Reserve your seats now, so you don't miss out on two thrilling hours of this:"

(Larry King on a stage, playing to an empty house as his voice echoes): "San Francisco, hello. Sioux City, Iowa, hello. Abilene, Kansas, hello."

(voice-over): "Larry King Standing Up: Good tickets still available."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, with The Spencer Davis Group's "Gimme Some Lovin' " from the CBSO ••• desk chat: Dave tells us about Hank Aaron's outstanding career. He's in the National Baseball Hall of Fame, was a 25-time All-Star, was the 1957 National League MVP, is the Major League's career RBI leader (2,297) and is second in career home runs (755). ••• This is exciting. Colonel Muammar Qaddafi, live via satellite from Tripoli (maybe) presents the Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Muammar Qaddafi. / For example: 9. Milli Vanilli 6. Lady Qaqa 5. Mumizzle Qaddizzle 4. Mouthful of Taffy 3. Kathy Mavrikakis 2. Qaddafi Duck 1. Qarmelo Anthony ••• desk chat: Dave has a note from Commissioner Bud Selig: Alphabetically, Hank Aaron is still our all-time home run leader. ••• Rainn Wilson plugs The Office and Super. ••• Henry "Hank" Aaron / It was a great interview with a legend and a gentleman, and it's nice to see Dave with a guest he truly admires. Hank presents Dave a one-of-a-kind baseball card. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Hank Aaron ••• The Mountain Goats sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/24/11 [3454]: monologue: "I Wonder If That Joke Would Be Funnier in Spanish?" / Dave tells his latest squirrel nuts joke, and Tony Mendez steps in to deliver the Spanish version, ending hilariously with cojones. Dave proclaims that the answer is, "¡Si!" ••• Larry King appears on his old program, Piers Morgan Tonight, on CNN. / video:

(title graphics)

(Larry): "You told Letterman you were going to punch me, right?"

(Piers): "Letterman said, 'I need you to punch somebody to get the ratings up.' And I said, 'What if it was Larry?' And we decided that punching you would not be a great move."

(Larry): "Not be a great move?"

(Piers): "But now you've challenged me to be dangerous."

(Piers): pulls his fist back

(FX): A phantom fist knocks Larry right off his chair!

(title graphics)

••• monologue: Muammar Qaddafi's nuts. Tonight he gave another speech. Dave likes to tune in just to see what he's wearing. / Photoshop fun: Mo's wearing Carmelo Anthony's Knicks uniform. ••• "Muammar Qaddafi: Style Icon" / video:
(title graphics and The J. Geils Band's "Freeze Frame")

(pics of Mo in a series of ridiculous outfits)

(title graphics)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Dictator Sunglasses Challenge" ••• desk chat: New York Knicks excitement is back, now that Carmelo Anthony (whoever he is) has signed with them. The Carnegie Deli, at 854 7th Avenue and 55th Street, immediately put together a colossal sandwich named for Anthony. The secret ingredients include: corned beef, pastrami, salami, bacon, lettuce, tomato and Russian dressing on rye bread. Well, that's nice, but Dave's been in the city for 30 years. Where's his sandwich? / We visit with deli owner Sandy Levine, MBD (married boss's daughter) via satellite. Sandy plays along with Dave's recipe for his new sandwich, which is supposed to weigh in under 10 pounds. Dave wants: rye bread, mayonnaise, boiled ham, mustard, cheddar cheese and a top slice of rye bread. (It's a ham and cheese sandwich, ladies and gentlemen!) ••• "Stupid Pet Tricks" /
  1. Lauren Girard and her Border Collie, Paige, from Fairfax, Virginia
    Paige takes a waffle out of a refrigerator, deposits it in a toaster, and with her nose, pushes down the thingy to heat it.

  2. Greg Gaudette and his Westipoo, Chloe, from Mississisauga, Ontario
    (A Westipoo is a West Highland Terrier - Poodle mix.)
    Chloe rolls a tennis ball along her back, then catches it.

  3. Karen Cobb and her French Briard, Norman, from Canton, Georgia
    Norman rides a scooter across the stage. Dave really likes this one!
••• Sandy Levine arrives with The Dave, and Dave and Sandy sample the giant entrée. It has to be huge to qualify as a Carnegie Deli offering. It'll go for $10.95. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) plugs his book The Tea Party Goes to Washington. Dave doesn't agree with the Senator's ideas, especially on taxation, but he's not sure why. ••• Bright Eyes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Too Fat]

2/25/11 [3455]: [The preshow Q&A strikes again. An audience dude is wearing an American Eagle Outfitters™ hoodie that says "SURF 1977," so Dave pretends to surf several times as the CBSO plays Dick Dale's "Misirlou." How many times have we seen the CBSO spontaneously put together a song like that on zero notice, and make it sound better than the original?!] ••• We have an odd announcement regarding the 83rd Academy Awards. / video:

(Oscars scene)

(female voice-over): "Don't miss Hollywood's biggest night: the 83rd annual Academy Awards. This year, to speed things along, lengthy acceptance speeches will be cut short by a reminder from Oscar himself."

(Oscar): "Shut up! Shut up!"

(female voice-over): "The 83rd Academy Awards: Sunday on ABC."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights •••
desk chat: 1. Dave corrects himself on Dick Dale's name. 2. An audience guy is a big wave surfer from the Hamptons, and we're treated to some of Dave's surfing stories. 3. Regis is stepping down as co-host of Live!. / video: The fun begins next Monday, when Regis murders Gelman. (We see the clip of Regis depositing a corpse in a trash dumpster.) 4. Jim Dale was in Broadway's Barnum.
••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Naming Your Baby Facebook / The Late Show Bear takes a bow. ••• Matthew Morrison plugs Glee. He thanks Dave for his big break... namely his appearances on LSDL on 2/04/99 and 3/03/99 as part of the bogus boy band Fresh Step. ••• "Academy Awards Fun Facts" /
  • The first Academy Awards took place at the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood.
  • During World War II, Oscar statuettes were made of plaster.
  • In 1998, California made it legal to take a swing at anyone used the phrase, "Who are you wearing?"
  • The average Academy Awards telecast is so long, at the end of the telecast they have to update the dead actor montage.
  • "Please remove all valuables. This parking garage is not responsible for lost or stolen items."
  • Instead of his usual front row seat, an aging Jack Nicholson has requested a seat nearest the men's room.
  • In 1987, due to an unsually poor crop of films, no awards were given out.
  • "Free delivery, 34th to 57th, between 12th and 5th Avenues, $10 minimum."
  • skipped
  • skipped
  • "Guests of Kiner's Korner receive a free gift certificate to Beefsteak Charlie's. Beefsteak Charlie's: 'You're gonna get spoiled!' "
  • Before the FCC was established in 1934, the Oscar award was anatomically correct.
  • Since 1929, seven Oscar statuettes have been used as murder weapons.
  • "Redefining the art of the interview, Piers Morgan, tonight... only on CNN."
  • Marlon Brando ate both of his Oscars.
  • skipped
  • skipped
  • skipped
  • In 1932, Wallace Beery went to the stage to accept his best actor award in a giant egg.
  • Bob Hope hosted the Academy Awards 18 times, including twice after he died!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: It's a reminder to help with the United Nations' World Food Programme. Go to www.wfp.org/lateshow. ••• Jeff Altman has a hilarious visit with Dave (once he recovers from missing the guest chair and landing on the floor). Dave has a picture of him and Jeff from 1977, dressed up like idiots, from their days with The Starland Vocal Band Show. ••• Jessica Lea Mayfield sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/28/11 [3456]: The Academy Awards broadcast was last night. We all look forward to the red carpet interviews as the celebrities arrive, and Ryan Seacrest scored the biggest interview of all. / Photoshop fun: Ryan's chatting up Muammar Qaddafi. ••• Celine Dion, who loves herself very, very much, sang "Smile" last night during the death reel. / video:

(clip of Celine singing)

(clips of departed filmmakers)

  • Peter Yates, producer - director
  • Arthur Penn, producer - director
  • Fulton Weathers, film editor, scowling, says, "It's bad enough that I died. But now I have to listen to Celine Dion?"
(graphic on black): "IN MEMORIAM"
••• Charlie Sheen's all over the news today, after going on various programs attacking his Two and a Half Men producers, CBS, etc. His publicist quit this morning! CBS has an annoucement:
(photo): Charlie smirking

(clip): Charlie on the program

(voice-over): "In response to Charlie Sheen's problems, CBS has shut down the hit comedy Two and a Half Men for the rest of the season, but the show will be back next season with a hilarious new star, who's more family-friendly, well-respected and stable."

(photo): Mr. Mel Gibson

(voice-over): "Two and a Half Men: This fall on CBS."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave knows about humiliating himself in public. When he went to counseling the therapist said, "Try not to be a dumbass." Dave says we should have Charlie Sheen on the show.

  2. Tony Mendez entertained the studio audience with some dancing during the commercial. Dave begs and pleads for about three seconds, and Tony gives in. His routine is performed in a squat, and he swings his bent arms from left to right and back. That's pretty much it. Let's not forget that for many years, Tony was a dancer in real life. Paul chimes in, "He's one of the all-time great squat dancers."
••• Charlie Sheen agreed to take a drug test in hopes of proving his readiness to return to the set of Two and a Half Men. We're fortunate tonight to have with us the vice-president of Narco-Tech Testing Labs, Dr. Gil Vernon, who will deliver the results of Charlie Sheen's celebrity tinkle.

(Joe Grossman, wearing a very sporty white lab coat, enters.)

(Dave): "Hi, Dr. Vernon. Nice to see you! Thank you very much for being here. What kind of test did Charlie Sheen take for your company?"

(Dr. Vernon): "It was a urine test."

(Dave): "Urine test. And then you run the... you do the whole screening, and you must screen for hundreds and hundreds of substances. Did you find any controlled substances... any illegal drugs... in the urine sample?

(Dr. Vernon): "Let me check."

(Dr. Vernon lifts a plastic specimen bottle to his lips, then takes a nice, slow drink.)

(Dr. Vernon): "Tastes like Jon Cryer's urine."

(Dave, mortified, asks): "Are you sure?"

(Dr. Vernon): "Hold on."

(Dr. Vernon takes another long drink, then swishes the specimen around in his mouth like a fine mouthwash.)

(Dr. Vernon): "It's definitely Cryer. It's very good. Do you want some?"

(Dave): "NO!!!"

(Dave, to the audience and home viewers): "Dr. Gil Vernon, ladies and gentlemen, from Narco-Tech."

••• Brian Williams / Dave tries to extract a bunch of personal opinions from Brian, who to his credit, avoids all of 'em. Dave claims that Tom Brokaw, as his retirement neared, asked him to look after Brian. Naturally, he agreed. But of late, Mr. Williams has appeared on Leno's and funny boy Jon Stewart's shows. Dave begs Brian to stop doing those shows. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Trey Parker and Matt Stone, playwrights of Broadway's The Book of Mormon at the Eugene O'Neill Theatre ••• The Zac Brown Band sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/01/11 [3457]: interruption: Volume control level bars appear on the bottom third of the screen. Head Stagehand Pat Farmer strolls onstage to fix the problem. "I sat on the remote. I'm sorry," Pat explains to Dave. 25 bars back down to six... just right! ••• interruption: Dave makes the mistake of glancing to stage left to see a very smug-looking Alan Kalter, who has a beautiful blonde nurse, in full uniform, standing at his side.

(Dave): "Alan... Alan are you alright? Who is that? Are you feelin' alright?"

(Alan, purring): "Yeah... I'm alright, Dave. This is my sexy Ukranian nurse, Oksana."

(Dave, to Oksana): "How do you do? Nice to have you on the show."

(Alan): "She's uh... she's a part of my wedge."

(Paul): "Ha! His wedge!"

(Dave, to Paul, then Alan): "Do you know what that means? I don't think anyone knows what that means, Alan."

(Alan): "Well, she gives me injections, and then I give her..."

(Dave, interrupting in the nick of time): "OK... that's enough, Alan. OK."

(Alan): "OK, Froggy. You know, I only have to put up with you for two more days, and then I'm on vacation."

(Dave): "OK. Good for you. That's fine."

(Paul, amused): "She's a part of his wedge!"

(Dave): "She gives him injections, and he gives her queasy feelings in her stomach."

••• CBS has fired Charlie Sheen, but Dave believes that this time, Leno's in the clear. / "Charlie Sheen on Piers Morgan Tonight" / video:
(Piers): "But you took a drug test to prove that you are currently completely drug-free."

(Charlie): mumbles, digs through coat pockets filled with paraphernalia, eventually producing a Beretta 92FS stainless pistol, which accidentally discharges, destroying the camera

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and the CBSO with Green Day's "Beautiful Day" ••• Alan Kalter with "Late Show Alert": "This Thursday's Late Show features Technical Maintenance Supervisor Gary Mintz in a very special comedy script! It's an entertainment experience you won't want to miss—or should I say, MINTZ!" ••• "An Excerpt from the Charlie Sheen Mel Gibson Phone Call" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(Charlie): "Hey, sorry dude. I don't mean to interrupt. It's just insane. I just have to comment on a couple of things."

(Mel): "Stay on this phone and don't hang up on me."

(Charlie): "My monkey man. My king. My high priest ninja warlock. I love you violently with the fire of one thousand suns."

(Mel): "You don't care about anyone but yourself and your stupid            failed career! And it's ruined us!"

(Charlie): "It's on. Bring it. I ain't hiding. I'm an F-18, bro!"

(Mel): "What? What?"

(Charlie): "Watch me. Watch me bury you."

(Mel, screaming): "You're a pain in the ass! You're a pain in my ass!"

(Charlie): "Losers. Winning. Buh-bye."

(Mel, screaming): "How dare you!"

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

••• Top Ten Surprises in Muammar Qaddafi's First United States Interview ••• Amanda Seyfried plugs Red Riding Hood. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Courier-Tribune, Asheboro, North Carolina: Meet the Seniors profile: "Zack Cutler - If I became a millionaire by age 20, I will.... buy a nice cat."
  • Coloradoan, Fort Collins, Colorado: "Dear Abby: I am a very conservative woman. I don't drink, dance, wear makeup or pants."
  • Roswell Daily Record, Roswell, New Mexico: Police Blotter: "Noise complaint: Police were called to the            Saturday, following the reports of a disturbance. Officials made contact with the individual. ... The subject stated she was blowing a horn to scare away the evil spirits that had been urinating inside her stove."
  • Daily Journal, Fergus Falls, Minnesota: Vehicle theft mistakenly reported: "A sheriff's deputy ... looked around the property, and found that the car was still there — it had just been covered in snow."
  • Kitsap Sun, Bremerton, Washington: Burglary: "A Bainbridge woman reported that pudding was stolen from her refrigerator and a kitchen cabinet. ... It was of a sugar-free variety."
  • Munising News, Munising, Michigan: For Sale: Furniture 20: "Adjustable bed ... Washable mattress not used by a sick ... or dead person."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan's illegal fireworks shop ••• B.J. Novak plugs The Office. ••• Reeve Carney, Jennifer Damiano, T.V. Carpio and the cast of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark perform a song from the play, now at the Foxwoods Theatre, 214 West 43rd Street. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/02/11 [3458]: CBS News reported today that a man who died in the Italian Alps 5,000 years ago has gotten a facelift, thanks to some artists. His body, except for his face, was frozen for all those years. / It's no surprise that the Late Show has an early look at his likeness. (OK, it's Nick Nolte's 2002 booking photo.) Not to be outdone, New York City also has a 5,000-year-old man. (OK, it's a smiling Regis Philbin.) ••• Photoshop fun: It's Donald Trump with Justin Bieber hair. ••• A computer named Watson has been competing against Jeopardy! whizzes recently, which brings us to "Watson: Where Is He Now?" /

(title graphic)

(voice-mail): "After appearances on Jeopardy! and Capitol Hill, Watson captured the nation's heart. But he wasn't prepared to handle the harsh glare of the spotlight. After a 36-hour cocaine binge with adult film stars, Watson was fired by IBM. He was briefly hospitalized by what he claimed to be a herniated motherboard, and then granted a bizarre, rambling interview to Piers Morgan."

(Watson): "I'm an F-18, bro. Uh, winning!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Watson: Where Is He Now?' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a "Late Show Alert":
(Alan): "Tomorrow's Late Show features Technical Maintenance Supervisor Gary Mintz in an unforgettable comedy script! It's the entertainment event of the year! Don't miss it! (Or should I say, don't MINTZ it! Keep cool, fool."
••• desk chat: Dave makes fun of Lars, an audience dude. ••• The crew of the shuttle Discovery installed a supply closet on the International Space Station yesterday. / video:
(video from the ISS)

(NASA voice-over): "The robotics officer reporting that the PMM is within 20 centimeters."

(interior video)

(NASA voice-over): "So this last little distance, and the PMM will be latched down."

(astronaut in space suit in the new supply closet)

(Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis): "If you're looking for Post-it® notes, they're on order. Use index cards and tape."

(female NASA voice-over): "NASA. Tell an astronaut you'd marry her all over again."

••• outside cam to visit with Rupert Jee in Hello Deli / Rupert has moved out the beverage cooler by the door. In its place are display cases full of Late Show shirts and other crap. Dave tells Rupert to put on a white, coffee filter party hat. He looks like a million bucks. Rupert then recites a lengthy promotional message from cue cards. The segment's in my Video Archives. /
(Rupert): "Thanks, Dave. Folks, you already know my famous Hello Deli is the place to go for overpriced sandwiches, snacks and hot entrées. But do you know that it's also the place to go for overpriced Late Show merchandise? Ever since the CBS Store closed due to financial irregularities, the Hello Deli is the exclusive outlet for souvenirs that tell the world, 'I own something with the Late Show logo! So whether you're hungry for food or Late Show knickknacks, stop into the Hello Deli today! Unless you're a health inspector ... kidding. No, not really. Back to you, Dave."
••• Oprah started her own network, named OWN, and its ratings suck. This brings us to tonight's Top Ten Ways the Oprah Winfrey Network Can Boost Its Ratings. (Lars, the German guy, comes in at #8.) ••• Donald Trump plugs Celebrity Apprentice. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Topics That Are Not Currently Trending on Twitter": chowder, Tim Allen and socks ••• desk chat: 1. Donald Trump's not running for president. 2. Dave wanted Donald to wear a coffee filter hat. ••• Vanessa Hudgens plugs Beastly. Dave runs a bogus clip from Vanessa's 2008 High School Musical 3: Senior Year, with Bruce Willis as a high school basketball player, singing his heart out. My, oh, my did that suck! Of course, it was supposed to suck, so that's OK. ••• Oh Land sings. ••• with closing credits: We see Rupert, Trump and Dave with coffee filter hats.

3/03/11 [3459]: monologue: Happy 164th birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, tonight Dave will be phoning it in. ••• interruption: Dave has a bit of a coughing spell during the monologue. He's all bent over, just like Barack Obama bowing to a foreign head of state. "Are they lookin' at my bald spot, Paul?" Dave wonders. ••• A seven-year-old boy named Bogdan is supposedly magnetic. He's a YouTube sensation. / CNN video:

(clip of Bogdan)

(voice-over): "The parents of a young Serbian boy claim that his body is magnetic, attracting objects like silverware, and pots and pans. The boy was scheduled to make several media appearances this week, until this unfortunate mishap."

(clip of Bogdan, now outside): We hear a humming sound, like a transformer, then a scream.

(animation): Bodgan sticks to a Continental Airlines Boeing 737 overhead.

(voice-over): "CNN will return in a moment."

••• Dave's not letting up on Charlie Sheen's recent adventures and excesses. Now it seems that Charlie had himself an Academy Awards party. We see a reprise from 2/03/11 of a dump truck belonging to Metro Cocaine® of Hollywood backing up to his yard, tipping the bed and depositing a veritable mountain of a white, powdery, addictive-looking substance on Charlie's lawn. It looks like about $5,000,000 worth. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Lindsay Lohan may have had a male accomplice in her alleged January necklace theft. / CNN video: It's a clip from 9/24/10 of Dave in an elevator, making faces. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During Spring Training ••• desk chat: Dave recalls Golden Cocaine® from his days in California, but not Metro Cocaine®. ••• Robin Williams plugs his new play, Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo, opening on March 11 at the Richard Rogers Theatre, 226 West 46th St. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave sort of gives us a True Tale from the Old West in response to the CBSO's playing Stan Jones's "Ghost Riders in the Sky" during the commercial. /
(Dave): " 'Their brands were still on fire, and their hooves were made of steel.' If you've ever done any ranching... and I mean real ranching, not that hat stuff... actual ranching, then you know exactly what that is. I remember I used to work at a spread in Manitoba. Four... five million acres. The Triple XL. And we'd be out driving cows, I mean... sometimes three or four weeks at a time without gettin' back, 'cause it's a big, big place. And at the end of the season... the pastures... they would... and they had so much money they'd just re-sod them, but that's another story. But there were times when we saw... my hand to God on this... we saw ghost riders in the sky."

(Paul): "I'll bet."

••• Electronic Maintenance Technician Gary Mintz as Bogdan, the Magnetic Serbian Boy / His shirt's covered with silverware. Bogdan's not here. Why, you ask, is all the silverware stuck to Gary's shirt? That's easy. "There was an accident in the pantry. A microwave oven went kabooey," Gary reports. ••• outside cam: a nice shot of the marquee ••• Judy Greer plugs Mad Love. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/04/11: REPEAT FROM 1/20/11

3/07/11: REPEAT FROM 1/18/11

3/08/11: REPEAT FROM 1/31/11

3/09/11: REPEAT FROM 2/10/11

3/10/11: REPEAT FROM 2/08/11

3/11/11: REPEAT FROM 2/03/11

3/14/11 [3460]: video: Dick Cheney's bogus heart pump ••• interruption: Alan Kalter tries to sneak behind Dave during the monologue. He's wearing a silver 1950s B movie spacesuit, and his hands are giant skeleton hands.

(Dave): "I'm sorry, Alan. Was that you runnin' by? Are you just getting in?"

(Alan, out of breath, now at his perch): "Hey, I'm sorry, Dave. I forgot to set my clock ahead."

(Dave): "Well, you... an hour before the show, and that's how you're dressed?"

(Alan): "I have an outside gig. I'm a mâitre 'd at that restaurant, 21-12 restaurant, that street. Dave, Dave, it's a blast! You should come in and try the Spaceburger."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Alan): "It's this triangular hamburger. It's ..."

(Dave): "Right. Well, that sounds wonderful. Please try to be a little more prompt in the future, alright?"

(Alan): "Never happen again, Dave."

(Dave): "OK. Thank you."

••• monologue: Happy birthday to Barbie's boyfriend, Ken. He's 50. / picture of Mitt Romney ••• monologue: "How about that al Qaeda? They're publishing a new magazine for women. They already have one for men: Car Bomb and Driver." Their new magazine for women has a very famous Bachelor of the Month. / photo: It's that worthless bastard, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, in his famous white undershirt mugshot. ••• There's big trouble at the NFL. They've locked out the players in a salary dispute! The Late Show can't get any footage from the NFL, so the CBS network has produced this animation: We see four stick figures at a table. One stick figure closes his stick briefcase. Two stick figures walk out of the room. ••• Charlie Sheen's taking a one-man show, My Violent Torpedo of Truth to Detroit and Chicago. It's sold out. Here's a promo:
(clip): Charlie being interviewed

(music): Gary Glitter's "Rock And Roll Part 2"

(voice-over): "Charlie Sheen's live show has sold out both dates in Detroit and Chicago in record time. Mr. Sheen now plans to add more cities to the tour. Buy a $100 ticket and you'll get a meet-and-greet with Charlie backstage. Buy a $300 ticket. You'll get to meet Charlie, and we'll throw in a briefcase full of cocaine! Buy a $1,000 ticket and you'll have a meet-and-greet with Charlie, a briefcase full of cocaine, get locked in a closet while he waves a machete, end up accidentally shot and have a chance to be featured in Charlie's next trial or E! True Hollywood Story. Charlie Sheen Live."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Sponsored by Paxil®."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "An Unprovoked Attack on a Random Celebrity" / Alan exclaims, "You can eat it, Dr. Drew!" ••• desk chat: After tonight's taping, Paul Shaffer and the CBSO will serve as the house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction for the 26th year. Paul names the famous musicians being honored, including the legendary Darlene Love, Tom Waits, Neil Diamond, Alice Cooper, Leon Russell and Dr. John. Dave wants Paul in the Hall of Fame, too, and he certainly should be. ••• desk chat: On Saturday, Dave and the family went to dinner at "a place." They were just looking for a hot meal at a fair price. Fifteen minutes passed. Nothing. Thirty minutes passed. Nothing. At the 45-minute mark, a waiter came by with the order pad and asked, "...and for dessert?" ••• Top Ten Things You Can Expect in Charlie Sheen's One-Man Show ••• desk chat: Dave has more commentary on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He wants Paul's buddy Jan Wenner, Mr. Rolling Stone himself, to get Paul in. ••• Charles Barkley talks about basketball. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan has a promotion to help Japan's earthquake relief, via doctorswithoutborders.org. ••• Sarah Vowell plugs her book, Unfamiliar Fishes. ••• Cold War Kids sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/15/11 [3461]: interruption: What's the crunching sound? We should have known. It's Alan. He's gnawing on a bag of Doritos® Spicy Sweet Chili™ chips. Last night it was Spaceburgers.

(Dave): "Alan. Alan... I'm sorry. What is that? What is that noise? Is that you?"

(Alan): "I was just enjoying a delicious mid-show snack, Dave."

(Dave): "Is this... now tell me honestly... is this some deal you've got with, like, Doritos® or somethin'?"

(Alan, to Dave): "Come on! Of course not! I'm offended at the notion that I'd stoop so low as to use this program to shill for a snack chip!"

(Alan, turning to face a camera, proudly displaying the bag of chips): "But if you are in the mood for a snack chip, why not reach for a bag of Doritos®? Doritos® brand tortilla chips deliver a powerful crunch, that unlocks the bold and unique flavors that you crave. Like our spicy sweet chip, our Sweet Chili!"

(Dave): "OK, Alan. I've told you a thousand times, don't use this show for your own commercial product endorsements."

(Dave, now turning to Tony Mendez): "And the same goes for you, too, smartass!"

(Tony Mendez is wearing a Mr. Peanut™ black hat and a giant monocle, and is holding a jar of Planters® peanuts.)

••• It's March Madness, beginning on St. Patrick's Day. / video:
(NCAA basketball clips)

(voice-over): "March Madness is finally here! Be sure to catch all the nonstop action on CBS, TBS, TNT and truTV. Also catch bonus coverage on C-SPAN."

(clip of Sen. James Risch, R-ID, getting smacked in the head by a basketball)

(voice-over): "The NCAA tournament. Check your local listings."

••• Charlie Sheen's taking his nonsense on the road. / promo video:
(clip of a bespectacled Charlie)

(voice-over): "Charlie Sheen's one-man performance, Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat Is Not an Option show, on April 2nd at the Fox Theater in Detroit, Michigan, is sold out! The Charlie Sheen Live: My Violent Torpedo of Truth / Defeat Is Not an Option show, on April 3rd at the Chicago Theater in Chicago, Illinois, is also sold out."

(shot of an empty theater)

(voice-over): "But there are plenty of seats left for the Emilio Estevez Live: My Violent Missile of Minimum Wage Employment / Catch Me at My Shift at the Encino Radio Shack Monday through Friday from 9 AM to 7 PM show. Call Ticketmaster now."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. Dave announces that he may be the first person to live to be 150 years old. 2. Paul Shaffer and the CBSO, as usual, served as the house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction at the Waldorf Astoria last night. Dave's boycotting the event because the CBSO haven't been inducted. Paul says they're not eligible. Dave's not giving up on this! ••• Top Ten Reasons to Buy the iPad2 ••• Bradley Cooper plugs Limitless. He was a very good guest. (Dave jokes around by first introducing Bradley as astronaut Gordon Cooper, a frequent caller on Late Night in the 1980s.) ••• interruption: Dave's visiting with Will Lee about a special audio effect when assistant cue card technician Todd Seda, wielding a clipboard, takes a seat in guest chair #1. It went something like this...
(Dave): "Oh, hi."

(Todd): "Hey, how's it goin'?"

(Dave): "How're you doin'? You're Todd, right?"

(Todd): "Right."

(Dave): "You're on the staff."

(Todd): "Yup. Yup."

(Dave): "You know, Todd, uh, we've been through this before. We're right in the middle of a show."

(Todd): "Sorry, but Kathy Mavrikakis sent me around to find out which people here at the show are in Sheen's corner, and which people are trolls."

(Dave): "Ummm... well, two questions. One, I don't know what you're talkin' about, and why would Kathy Mavrikakis want to know this?

(Todd): "I'm just gonna put you down as troll."

(Dave looks puzzled.)

(Todd, departing): "By the way, nice haircut!"

(Dave, to Paul): "He was makin' fun of me, wasn't he? I can tell. No. He was screwin' with me! I know that for a fact. We'll be right back with Mindy Kaling, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan promotes help for Japan's earthquake relief. Visit doctorswithoutborders.org. ••• Mindy Kaling, TV writer ••• Bob Geldof sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/16/11 [3462]: Charlie Sheen's antics have been affecting CBS. Now there's more trouble for the network. / "CBS in Crisis" video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Yesterday, production of Mike & Molly had to be shut down after the fat guy overdosed on meatballs."

(clip): The fat guy's seated at a dining table, and he 'splodes!

(voice-over): "Mike & Molly: Mondays on CBS."

••• interruption: There's a commotion in the audience. They're applauding and cheering over something or someone... not Dave.

(Dave): "Oh! Look at that! Ladies and gentlemen, it's Alec Baldwin! Hey, Alec!"

(Alec stands to take a bow.)

(Dave): "How about that! Alec, what can we do for you?"

(Alec): "Uh, who's on the show tonight, Dave?"

(Dave): "We have a great show. I'm very proud. We have... Selena Gomez is here, and Steve Martin is on the show."

(shot of a smiling Steve in the green room)

(Dave): "There he is!"

(Alec): "Steve Martin, huh?"

(Dave): "Yup."

(Alec begins to exit the theater.)

(Dave): "Hey... Alec. Now, wait a minute. Where... where are you going?"

(Alec): "I'm not really a fan, Dave."

(shot of a puzzled Steve Martin)

(Dave): "Wow. Well, that kind of gives everyone a black eye, doesn't it?" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "It's so much show you're gonna need three eyeballs!" ••• desk chat:

1. During the preshow questions, a woman from Lebanon, Indiana announced that she had a "Stump the Band" song. 2. Dave tells us about going to the legendary Hurley's Bar last night (which he said was at 6th Avenue and 52nd Street). Dave doesn't drink firewater anymore. He's having club soda. A guy comes in and orders 15 shots of fine whiskey. The bartender goes to work and pours the 15 shots. The guy says "Thank you very much." He starts knocking them back fast. "Wham! Wham! Wham!" ... He gets to a dozen, and people are gathering to watch. The bartender's concerned. He says, "Hey, hey... slow down." The guy says, "If you had what I have, you'd be drinkin' the same way." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy says, "A dollar."
••• CBS March Madness promo video: (title graphic and CBS's familiar March Madness theme music)

(voice-over): "March Madness is back on CBS. Catch all the heart-stopping action, buzzer beaters and exciting new camera angles."

(clip of a referee's colonscopy)

(FX): buzzer

(voice-over): "March Madness on CBS." ••• Top Ten Ways I, Dave Letterman, Will Celebrate St. Patrick's Day ••• Steve Martin interview / Steve has security cam footage. Our friend is in a grocery store, where he misappropriates a very large ham. In an outside shot, we see Mr. Martin walking awkwardly as he exits the market. That's right. You guessed it. He has a ham in his pants! He gets into a limousine and zooms away, with not a single employee in the market any the wiser. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan promotes help for Japan's earthquake relief. Visit doctorswithoutborders.org. ••• Selena Gomez plugs Wizards of Waverly Place. She's seeing Justin Bieber. It's not a big secret. She's really cute, which is not a big secret, either. ••• Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers sing a selection from their album, "Rare Bird Alert." It's an a capella number, "Atheists Don't Have No Songs." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/17/11: REPEAT FROM 1/04/11

3/18/11: REPEAT FROM 2/01/11

3/21/11 [3463]: CBS March Madness promo video:

(game clips)

(voice-over): "This year, March Madness on CBS is gonna be more exciting than ever, with more teams participating, thanks to the First Four round, more television channels bringing you all the action, and more basketballs in play during each game."

(FX): about 10 basketballs on the court at once

(voice-over): "March Madness on CBS: Making hamburgers taste like steakburgers."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Did You Know?": "The 'Supermoon' effect is caused by the moon hurtling toward the earth, which will eventually result in our demise." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave notices that the first song at the break is often by Chicago.

  2. Dave wonders what we should worry about more, the violence in Libya or the overheating reactors in Japan.

  3. Dave's upset about the Indian Point nuclear power plant, 34 miles from New York City, which happens to be near two fault lines. He uses a yellow pad to diagram the proximity of the thing to New York City. It's like one of Rob Burnett's drawings from 1998! Anyway, Dave's now officially boycotting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Indian Point nuclear power plant.

  4. Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing finished first and second at Sebring International Raceway over the weekend! Winning drivers were [1st Place: Dirk Müller, Joey Hand, Andy Priaulx] and [2nd Place: Bill Auberlen, Augusto Farfus].
••• Dana Carvey visits with Dave about tag team child rearing techniques and impersonating Charlie Sheen. Dana has some Johnny Carson Carnac for us: "Linoleum, graham crackers and marshmallows and Lady Gaga. Name a floor, a S'more and a whore." ••• Theoretical physicist Dr. Michio Kaku, of the City University of New York, visits with Dave about the problems with the damaged nuclear reactors in Japan. Dave didn't touch the professor's work in developing string field theory, other than to say, "Nice going." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan promotes help for Japan's earthquake relief. Visit doctorswithoutborders.org. ••• more with Professor Kaku ••• British Sea Power sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/22/11 [3464]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Ben, who looks like Neil Diamond. ••• CBS's own Katie Couric will be with us tonight. Uh oh. Who's minding the studio at CBS News? / satellite feed: Our worst nightmare has come true. A naked tubby guy is spinning in Katie's very own anchor chair. He looks just like a ballerina, except balder and 300 pounds heavier. (This is a perfect example of why David Letterman's swivel chair is locked up the moment a taping is over. Staff and civilians who sit at Dave's desk are provided a folding chair.) ••• Oh, this is exciting. HBO is slapping together a documentary, The Dick Cheney Story. / black & white video: We see a coffin on the ground. The lid opens, and a bony hand slowly emerges. Will Lee didn't do his scream, however. ••• monologue interruption: Suddenly we see an onscreen channel selection display for DirecTV. / Dave hollers for videotape man Tom Catusi. What's going on? "Nothin', Dave. I'm just seeing what else is on." Tom has a ponytail. ••• monologue fun: Dave gets the Late Show aaoogah horn for cussing. ••• CNN video: It seems that Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi not only has all-female bodyguards, he has an all-female air force. Shecky has some old-time black & white footage of leggy females kicking like Rockettes on the wings of an airplane. ••• The bombing we're doing in Libya this week is code named Odyssey Dawn. Where did that porn star name come from? Somebody fired up the Pentagon Mission Name Generator. / video of the device's display panel:

(video game sound effects)


(FX): "yes" bell

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, the CBSO with The Spencer Davis Group's "Gimme Some Lovin' " and Alan complains, "My brackets are busted. That's the last time I buy cheap, low-quality metal shelf brackets! See what I did there?" ••• desk chat:
desk chat and excursion: Dave's complaining that he has no coffee. He reports, "There was something wrong with the first batch, and Daddy sent it back." What to do? He begins pacing aimlessly. Paul favors us with a piano interlude. Dave once again is censored with the Late Show aaoogah horn for cussing. He strolls backstage, where he finds a coffee maker with nothin' going on. Dave mutters, "I don't know what to do." The audience moans in mock sympathy. "Shut up," Dave replies. Dave proposes that Ben from the audience should run across the street to Starbucks® to get his coffee (regular, with two shots of expresso). Eddie Brill hands over $20, and Ben sprints out the back of the theater to make the purchase.
••• The CBSO and Jerry Foley open the TTL. / interruption:
(Alan Kalter): "Hey, Jock Itch. Uh, Jock Itch. Excuse me, Jock Itch."

(Dave): "Excuse me?"

(Alan): "I said Jock Itch... Just a word. Just a word. I have to say that..."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What did you call me?"

(Alan): "Dave, I called you Jock Itch."

(Dave): "Oh."

(Paul): "Jock Itch."

(Dave): "What can I do for you, Alan?"

(Alan): "Well, before we continue, there's something that's bothering me, and I wanna get off my mind, if you don't mind."

(Dave): "Oh, oh, oh, alright. Can you hurry up? I hope it's not me, for God's sakes."

(Alan walks quickly into the audience.)

(Dave, narrating): "Oh, he's got that... Now what's happening? First it's the coffee, now we've got Alan. He's slipped a gear. He's... Uh, oh."

(Alan reaches into the audience to rip a mustache from the face of a gentleman.)

(Alan): "Give me that, ass****. That doesn't belong to you!"

(Alan applies the mustache to his own lip, and storms back to his perch. He looks like Tom Selleck.)

••• Top Ten Signs You're Dumb ••• Ben, the audience guy, is back with Dave's coffee. ••• Earlier in tonight's telecast, Dave told the audience to shut up. In Dave's defense, Tony Mendez displays a cue card which clearly says, "SHUT UP!" ••• Katie Couric ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan promotes help for Japan's earthquake relief. Visit doctorswithoutborders.org. ••• "Is This Anything?" / Tonight's celebrity judge is Meadowlark Lemon! / It's a guy bouncing on a unicycle, while jumping a hula hoop like a jump rope. / Paul says no. Meadowlark says terrible. Dave liked it because the dude was wearing a tie. ••• The Pains of Being Pure at Heart sing. ••• with closing credits: Meadowlark Lemon does basketball tricks. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/23/11 [3465]: The Catholic church is turning to social media such as Facebook to connect with the world. / video: "The Vatican in the Digital Age" /

(clip of someone using an iPhone®)

(voice-over): "To keep up with the technology used by many of its followers, the Vatican is establishing a Facebook page for Pope John Paul II. It's reaching out to tech-savvy Catholics on YouTube, and it's authorized a new iPhone® app called 'Angry Pope.' "

(animation): The head of a pope is launched from a giant slingshot. It hurtles toward some sort of structure that looks like piggy banks on shelves. Major structural damage results.

(voice-over): "This installment of 'Jokes Dave Doesn't Get' is brought to you by Fixodent®."

(Guess what. I didn't get the joke, either... at least what video game was being spoofed.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave loves television. (Who knew?) He wants to itemize some of his favorite programs these days: I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, World's Tallest Baby, Swamp People and Sons of Guns. By the way, Daddy gets censored seven times with the Late Show aaoogah horn, as he was doing his tough guy impression.

  2. Dave claims he was watching Oprah's OWN last night, and Oprah, our national treasure, had herself a six-shot revolver. Oprah packs heat!
••• more desk chat, after commercial: Dave wants to mention another of his favorites, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant with the World's Tallest Baby. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much College Basketball ••• Ben Stiller plugs his new Broadway play, The House of Blue Leaves, which is opening at the Walter Kerr Theatre at 225 West 48th Street on April 25th. Hey! That's on the same block as my DaveCon hotel, the Best Western President, 234 West 48th! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan promotes help for Japan's earthquake relief. Visit doctorswithoutborders.org. ••• Indianapolis 500 winner Dario Franchitti visits with Dave about his racing adventures. We can see from this interview that Dave has a real passion for motorsports. However, he'd just as soon not discuss Chip Ganassi. Daddy should buy a racing team! He's jealous about Dario getting to drive Jim Clark's Lotus 38, winner of the 1965 Indy 500, a much lighter, narrower car than we see today. ••• The Strokes ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edit 3-26-11]: Today I stumbled onto the existence of the cell phone game "Angry Birds," which explains the reference to "Angry Pope" on tonight's telecast.

3/24/11: REPEAT FROM 2/23/11

3/25/11: REPEAT FROM 3/02/11

3/28/11 [3466]: Every year there's a function in New York City when the mayor dresses up in some goofy outfit. / Photoshop fun: a picture of Mayor Bloomberg as Spider-Man (A wee one, he is, at about 2½ feet tall.) ••• interruption: An audience man calls out Dave to announce that he's captured the missing cobra from the Bronx Zoo. He has it wrapped around his neck, which might not be the best idea. Dave takes the liberty of pointing out that the dude's captured a boa constrictor. ••• Coalition forces are trying to make Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi behave. They're blowing up stuff all around him, and he just doesn't care. / video: We see the handsome bastard giving a speech. A rocket flies by, about two inches in front of his face. The Colonel briefly ducks, escaping certain death, and continues his address. ••• President Obama got himself locked out of the White House the other evening. / video: The president's delivering an address to the nation from outside a window. Oops. Someone closes the electric curtains. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did you know Jack Hanna believes he can communicate with squirrels?" ••• fun with videotape: It's Steve Martin and Tom Hanks in the green room. Dave pretends they're really in the Ed tonight, and one will come out as a guest. / Alan explains the selection process:

(Alan Kalter): "Well, a recording of tonight's program will be delivered via bonded courier to the testing laboratories of Televisual Solutions, Inc., an independent television judging organization, whose decision is final. Sound engineers will analyze and quantify the applause on the tape, and subject their findings to rigorous verification procedures established by the Audio Engineering Society. The results of the applause analysis will be made available to the Late Show within six to eight weeks."
••• Dave says he forgot to mention Alan Kalter's birthday a while back, so happy birthday to Alan. His exact birth date seems to be a well-kept secret, but various sources list his birth year as 1943. Good lord... that's older than me! ••• Top Ten Bronx Zoo Excuses ••• Jack Hanna plugs Jack Hanna's Into the Wild. Tonight Jack has:
  • an awesome baby leopard,
  • a hairy, screaming armadillo,
  • a three-banded armadillo,
  • big, fat South American Bufo Marine Toads (which have a neurotoxin on their skin),
  • a little barn owl that eats mice whole,
  • a Eurasian Eagle Owl (the world's largest owl),
  • a cute little screech owl
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Jack Hanna ••• Danny McBride plugs Your Highness. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/29/11 [3467]: monologue:

"I'll be honest with you, this missing cobra has really got the city on edge. I was coming to work today on the subway, and I felt something coiling around my leg. It was just the guy sitting next to me. Thank God that's all it was. And I said, 'Wait a minute. The city is in the grip of abject fear. Where is Superman?' My son wrote that joke!" / A boy comes out to collect $50. / Paul: "David, that wasn't your son." Dave: "No. My son is writing for Conan."
••• President Obama was in town today. Mayor Bloomberg got all excited, and put on his Spider-Man outfit. / (A wee one, he is, at about 2½ feet tall.) / President Obama is in the balcony. / FX: Obama waves. ••• President Obama addressed the nation last night. / "The Official Libyan Response to President Obama's Speech" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "And now, 'The Official Libyan Response to President Obama's Speech.' "

(phony voice of Khaddafy, the same one who does Osama): "President Obama made some valid points; however, now is not the time to be discussing politics and war... not when we've just lost someone very dear."

(inset photo of Elizabeth Taylor)

(phony voice of Khaddafy): "Liz Taylor was an icon... one of the last true movie stars. This is for you, Liz."

(phony voice of Khaddafy, now singing):

"And it seems to me
You've lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rains set in..."

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Official Libyan Response to President Obama's Speech.' "

••• President Obama in the balcony ••• "Presidential Door Mishaps" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "March 24th, 2011: President Obama finds himself locked out of the Oval Office. November 20th, 2005: While in China, President George W. Bush attempts to exit through a locked door. August 9th, 1974: On the day of his resignation, Richard Nixon gets his tie caught in the door of Marine One."

(animation): Nixon dangling from a hovering Marine One

(voice-over): "This has been 'Presidential Door Mishaps.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave announces that on Saturday in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, our very own Tom "Bones" Malone was inducted into the Mississippi Musicians Hall of Fame. He joins B. B. King, Muddy Waters, Tammy Wynette, Sam Cooke, Bo Diddley, Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis Presley. Tom takes a bow. What a well-deserved honor!
••• Andy Kindler comes out to set up "Andy Kindler at Yankees Spring Training" / video:
Andy visits with Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira and Nick Swisher. There's a clip of Andy as Chancellor Rudy Tootietootie on Disney's Wizards of Waverly Place (with the lovely Selena Gomez). It's back to the Yankees, with the gift shop, Paul O'Neill, Michael Kay, Yogi Berra and Curtis Granderson. We're treated to a show within a show, "How to Break in a Baseball Glove," with David Wells. Derek Jeter's next, and we finish up with Andy licking a hot dog.
••• President Obama in the balcony ••• Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Political Fundraising Dinner ••• President Obama in the balcony ••• Regis Philbin ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• In honor of Regis's next medical procedure, Dave has video of an esophageal dilation. ••• Snoop Dogg sings. ••• with credits: President Obama waving ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/30/11 [3468]: running gag: An audience guy must have asked for Dave's thoughts on male cheerleaders during the preshow Q&A. Dave will cash in throughout the episode. ••• The Bronx Zoo cobra is still slithering loose in New York City. / CNN video: We see movie footage of a gigantic snake dining on an innocent citizen, with both external and internal action shots. ••• FX: Male supermodel Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi is seen in the balcony for the first of several times tonight. The dictator (who is so inept he can't figure out how to promote himself above colonel) is wearing a tie and a Slanket®. ••• Today in Libya, NATO forces attacked Muammar's hometown of Sirt. / CNN video:

(warfare scenes)

(voice-over): "Overnight, coalition air attacks struck Muammar Gaddafi's birthplace of Sirt. Targets reportedly hit include antiaircraft installations, ammunition bunkers and a popular theme park, Qaddafiwood."

(animation): A missile blows up a ferris wheel.

(voice-over): "Larry Francis, CNN."

••• On March 28, NBC presented All Together Now: A Celebration of Service, a concert honoring public service and volunteerism, as well as President George H. W. Bush, and attended by all four living presidents. / video: We see an unknown singer, hear censored words and see reaction shots from the presidents. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan presents a portrait of him, drawn by six-year-old Emily Stangel of Bedford, New York. "That looks nothing like me," Alan complains. (Emily's the daughter of Executive Producer Justin Stangel.) ••• desk chat:
  1. During earlier joking about the runaway Bronx Zoo cobra, Paul played a bit of "Hey Little Cobra," the Rip Chords' 1964 hit. Dave shows a picture of their members, Phil Stewart, Rich Rotkin, Arnie Marcus and Ernie Bringas. Little did I know, Bruce Johnston, famous Beach Boy, was a founding member. (I have this song on iTunes, and have seen Bruce Johnston 17 times in Beach Boys concerts.)

  2. This discussion of music reminds Dave to bring up his two running boycotts: the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Indian Point nuclear power plant, near New York City.
••• interruption: Head Stagehand Pat Farmer has a threaded rod that's about a foot long. We're not calling it a bolt, because it has nuts on both ends. Where's it from? We find out soon, as a stage light falls on Daddy's desk. ••• Top Ten Ways Muammar Qaddafi Can Improve His Image ••• Our old friend, Norm Macdonald, plugs Sports Show on Comedy Central. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and Stat Snapshot (56% of guys are named Merv.) ••• CC Sabathia of the New York Yankees ••• Norah Jones, Wynton Marsalis and Willie Nelson sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a photo of George W. Bush as a male cheerleader at Yale

3/31/11 [3469]: The brief regional nightmare has ended. The Bronx Zoo cobra was apprehended today. Now it's on to bin Laden. (Dave seems to be in a contest to see how many times he can say deadly Egyptian cobra tonight. / Photoshop fun: The cobra's taking in the home opener at Yankee Stadium! ••• He's here. We've got him. It's benevolent dictator Hugo Chavez in the balcony. (Paul does a little Ed Sullivan. "And now...") ••• Now this is a little odd. The usually secretive CIA has slapped together a promotional video about a recent operation in Libya. / video:

(scenes of armed conflict)

(voice-over): "To help tip the Libyan conflict in favor of the rebels, the Central Intelligence Agency has inserted several agents into the country."


(voice-over): "We're very proud of our brave covert operatives and their clever disguises."

(animation): Hats and mustaches appear on the dudes' mugshots.

(voice-over): "We wish them luck as they carry out their clandestine missions from their base at the Tripoli Hilton, room 419."

(graphic): CIA emblem

(voice-over): "The CIA: You did not just view this message."

••• Tonight's audience shout-out: Tipton, Indiana ••• Kaddafi's foreign minister, who was educated at Michigan State, has defected to a British military base. / video:
(photo): Moussa Koussa

(voice-over): "Libyan foreign minister, Moussa Koussa, has resigned his post and fled to England. But although Muammar Kaddafi has lost Moussa Koussa, he still has the support of his other advisers: Ralph Malph, Chilly Willy, Jack Black, Wavy Gravy, Hannah Montana, Magilla Gorilla, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Frito Bandito and the late Evel Knievel."

(video): a spectacular Evel Knievel motorcycle crash

(voice-over): "Libya: It's okey-dokey."

••• It's allergy season. / animation: That thing on Donald Trump's head flies up in a wave, sort of like a surf, as we hear Donald's "Achoo!" (x2) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• TTL opening / interruption: The TTL montage (the one with the water towers) sticks on #5. This isn't Dave's first rodeo. He knows what's wrong, and he takes a walk backstage. Yup. The contraption that makes the TTL montage go has sparks shooting out of it. Dave skillfully delivers three smart kicks to the base, and we're back in business. [Paul claims Dave's heroics worked, but he also says the bit's going to need some work in post production.] ••• Top Ten Rejected Baseball Slogans ••• Chris Rock plugs his Broadway play, The Motherf**ker with the Hat, opening soon at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre, 236 West 45th St. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan plugs CC Sabathia's charity race through New York City. Get details at www.ccchallenge.com. ••• after commercial: Dave comments that someone must have gotten to Chris Rock just before he came out and told him, "Remember, his name is Dave." ••• Beautiful actress Ellen Page plugs Super. ••• Funeral Party sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Donald Trump's hair sneezes again. ••• [edit 4/18/11: I did a tally during the repeat in April. Chris said "Dave" 45 times during his interview.]

4/01/11 [3470]: Tonight's audience shout out is at the expense of an audience guy who's wearing a red and white checked shirt that looks like a picnic tablecloth. ••• "ABC News Tackling the Big Stories" / video: a clip from Ronkonkoma, New York: It's a raccoon balanced on top of a telephone pole, with its head stuck in a peanut butter jar. ••• HBO's putting together a miniseries about Dick Cheney. / video: We see a 1970s title graphic and scenes of Dick Cheney, with the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song, followed by a clip of him gasping and heaving. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave has another shout out for the guy in the checked shirt. ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk to us about Oprah's new network, and her taking an audience to Australia. ••• Top Ten Titles for the HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series ••• Dave has a picture of a table setting, with a checked tablecloth that looks pretty much like the audience guy's shirt. ••• James Franco plugs Your Highness, and visits with Dave about hosting the Oscars. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave goes into the audience to deliver dinner for two to the checked shirt guy, as well as the picture of the checked tablecloth. ••• Royal Bangs sing. ••• Tommy Johnagin is bumped to April 15. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/04/11 REPEAT FROM 3/14/11

4/05/11 [3471]: Tonight's audience shout out is to an audience guy from Dayton, Ohio who's wearing a plaid shirt. Paul plays the Davy Crockett theme song. ••• monologue: "I saw... this is a true story... last night I'm goin' home, I saw a rat the size of a large kitty. Honest to God, they're getting so big you've gotta lasso them from a jeep!" / video:

It's a scene from a horror movie. A guy who looks like Ernest Borgnine is covered with rats. And, as we all know, the only course of action when covered by rats is to jump out of the nearest window. The man was squirming all over the place, so I wasn't sure if it was Lt. Commander McHale or not. I Googled "Ernest Borgnine rats," and up came Willard (1971)!
••• The news spread quickly this week that Katie Couric will be leaving the anchor desk at CBS News. The ever-observant Dave saw this coming down 6th Avenue. / FX: Katie is smoking a cigarette and pouring some XXX during last night's broadcast. ••• One of the great Late Show traditions is to have James J. "Biff" Henderson report from big-time sporting events. Live from Houston, it's Biff at last night's men's Final Four. What? / split screen: There's no one to be seen. / Biff strolls onstage and taps Dave on the shoulder.
(Dave, jumping): "Oh, geez!"

(Biff): "You lookin' for me?"

(Dave): "Yeah, Biff. I thought you were in... you were supposed to be there in Houston."

(Biff): "Naw, man. I didn't go to Houston. Did you hear about Southwest Airlines? They've got holes in planes. I didn't want... No... I didn't want this to happen to me."

(animation): It's a Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 at cruise altitude. A neat, rectangular hole appears on top of the fuselage, and a slightly alarmed Biff emerges from the hole, spins around a few times for comedic effect, then begins his plunge to earth.

(Biff): "Son of a bitch!"

(Dave): "Thanks, Biff"

(Biff): "Thank you."

••• Front and center in the balcony tonight, in the CBS guest seats, is Dave's good friend, Dick Cheney. He has that artificial heart contraption strapped to him, like an accordion. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and the CBSO with "Chest Fever," one of the awesome songs Paul and the band covered in their Coast to Coast CD in 1989. ••• desk chat: Dave's disappointed that Butler University came in second in the Final Four last night. They're from Indianapolis. ••• Top Ten Southwest Airlines Excuses ••• Jennifer Garner plugs Arthur, her new movie with Russell Brand. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• cooking with Chef Jamie Oliver ••• Robbie Robertson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Katie Couric smoking and drinking on the air

4/06/11 [3472]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Indiana. It seems he played sort of a guessing game with Indianapolis native Dave, who kept rattling off cities north of Indy, but not guessing right. Eventually we learn that the mystery town is Fishers, about 10 miles northeast of Indianapolis. ••• The New York Knicks are in the NBA playoffs! / video:

(Knicks logo)

(voice-over): "The New York Knicks are NBA playoff bound! Since no one expected this, Madison Square Garden booked Rush during the first round of the playoffs."

(outside sign photo): "Congregation Beth Shalom welcomes the New York Knicks"

(voice-over): "So catch all the Knicks action at the Temple Beth Shalom Rec Center in Edison, New Jersey."

(photo): Carmelo Anthony

(voice-over): "A message from Madison Square Garden."

••• "Checking in with Charlie Sheen" / video: A porn star/maid is vacuum cleaning a living room carpet with Mr. Sheen's nose. We can draw our own conclusions about that. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We have a deluxe desk chat tonight:
  1. Dave wants to tell us all about his weekend with Harry. They may have been in Montana. Anyway, Dave decided to take Sully (part Yellow Leglifter/part Satan, as we've learned already) out for a run in the woods. Dave fires up the family John Deere Gator, and promptly gets it stuck. Every so often, Sully runs by with a deer skull. Dave walks back home to get the other Gator. He gets it stuck, too. Next Dave gets the Land Cruiser. Now, with that kind of firepower, they succeed in getting both Gators unstuck. At this point Harry chimes in with, "Oh, well, it's still a nice day for a walk."

  2. Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles, is on tonight, and we all know what he's famous for. Dave has video from NASA. (OK... maybe it's from Opie's Apollo 13 movie.)
    (Don Rickles on a launch pad)

    (voice of Kennedy Launch Control): "T minus three, two, one, blastoff."

    (Don's pants drop, and he fires off a rocket!)

    (clip): The engineers in the blockhouse cheer and hug each other.

  3. Dave does a lengthy dog impression. We're not sure if it's growling or choking or what at first, but Sully has in his mouth some sort of critter with a long tail. Eventually, Sully manages to swallow the thing. The doggie has brought so much joy to the Letterman household!

  4. After commercial, Dave has a Gator picture, then an animal skull of some sort, and finally a mad dog photo.
••• Top Ten President Obama Campaign Promises for 2012 ••• Don Rickles interview / no rocket fire tonight ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "A Moment with Alan Kalter" / Not much to see here, folks. It's just Big Red, smiling at the camera, and a friendly nod. ••• Eva Longoria plugs her new cookbook, Eva's Kitchen, and of course, Desperate Housewives. She's wearing a business suit jacket and really short shorts... like, the shortest shorts ever. Dave wonders if she forgot her luggage. There's hot, and then there's Eva Longoria hot. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/07/11: REPEAT FROM 3/23/11

4/08/11: REPEAT FROM 3/03/11

4/11/11 [3473]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Ollie from Aruba. ••• The Masters Tournament was played over the weekend. Dave's been fussing about the sound of birds in the background since 2003. He thinks the bird calls are added in. A Google search shows that some bird watchers agree. On the other hand, a check of Yahoo! Answers has a local from Augusta reporting that there really are a lot of birds in the area:

"Whippoorwills, Cardinals, Finches, Blue-Jays, Hawks, the occasional Falcon, some Crows, I have lived local to the Augusta National all my 50 years and there are too many to name. They are amazing though. Augusta, and the surrounding area, has a LOT of wildlife. Even in town."
There was a stunning development this year. / video: A Pterodactyl swoops down and flies away with a golfer during a putt. ••• "Welcome Back Kotter: Where Are They Now?" / video:
(theme song)

(clip of Robert Hegyes as Juan Epstein)

(voice-over): "The guy who played Epstein is now a successful Libyan dictator."

(split screen): Hegyes and Gaddafi

(voice-over): "This has been 'Welcome Back Kotter: Where Are They Now?' "

(title graphic)

••• This is exciting. Tonight, in the balcony, in the CBS guest seats, is Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "History: Did You Know?": "Did you know the tire swing was invented 70 years before the wheel? Ask any scientist." ••• desk chat:
Dave has a desk chat of near epic length. The topic is America's national treasure, icon and role model, Oprah, whose show will end soon. She'll live on with the OWN television network. Guess what! Rosie O'Donnell's going to have a wrestling show on OWN! As Oprah's show winds down, Dave says she's doing a lot of behind-the-scenes segments. When she took the audience to Australia, Hugh Jackman did some kind of high wire stunt from the Sydney Opera House, whereupon he hurt his eye. / This just in: Dave receives a blue card from Barbara Gaines, who wants him to know that the Hugh Jackman incident occurred on December 14. Gaines gets a little air time out of the deal.
••• surprise appearance: 2011 Masters champion Charl Schwartzel comes onstage momentarily to shake hands with Dave. Paul smells a rat.
(Paul): "Wow. David... David, excuse me... Mr. Letterman?"

(Dave): "Excuse me?"

(Paul): "Was that really Charl, uh, Schwartzel?"

(Dave): "I dunno."

••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Charl Schwartzel / #10: Charl is short for Charlene. ••• Alec Baldwin plugs 30 Rock. He always delivers an interesting interview, and can have a conversation on all kinds of topics. Dave thanks Alec for all he's done for the Late Show over the years. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: The CBS High Definition picture is suffering greatly in quality, all of a sudden. Well, any self-respecting fan of the Late Show needs no explanation, but we're about to get it. Legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett is getting ready for tomorrow's telecast.
(We see someone's noggin in the picture.)

(Dave): "What was that? Are you alright?"

(Dave Dorsett has a spray bottle and a cloth, and he's cleaning the camera lens. Audience members are giggling.)

(Dave): "I'm sorry... uh... Dave? Dave?"

(Dave Dorsett): "Oh. Yeah?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What, exactly, are you doin' there?"

(Dave Dorsett): "I'm doing my spring cleaning. I'm washing down my camera."

(Dave, calmly): "But... is this the best time to be doing it? We're... Could you wait 'til after the show?"

(Dave Dorsett): "It just kills you that I look better in shorts than you do!"

(Dave): "Well... That's it. We'll be right back with Wiz Khalifa, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Wiz Khalifa sings. How this act got booked is a mystery to me. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: ruthless dictator Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi in the balcony

4/12/11 [3474]: DAVE'S BIRTHDAY! ••• It was a bad winter, and New York City is plagued with potholes. Mayor Bloomberg's been out inspecting, and Shecky has video for us. We see the black and white footage of a man and woman exploring a cave. ••• Earlier this month, Czech archaeologists unearthed the remains of what they believe to be an early gay man from around 2900-2500 B.C., outside Prague. Actually, this first gay man didn't discover fire, but he did discover scented candles, which was nice. ••• "Republican Budget Cut Ideas" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(Amazing Race road map)

(voice-over): "Only build two-thirds of every new bridge."

(animation): A car drives off the end of a bridge, and crashes into the hills below. We hear a terrified scream, and see the resulting inferno.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Republican Budget Cut Ideas.' "

••• Dave announces it's his birthday. The staff got him a decorated cake, and we get a look at it after a few servings were taken. It says,


••• interruption: Pat Farmer says he and the other stagehands got Dave a cake for his birthday. / Don H. Hewitt, The Man on Fire, runs through with a flaming cake. ••• The very lovely Katie Holmes presents the Top Ten Reasons I'm Presenting Tonight's Top Ten List. / #10: Lost a bet with Tom, #7: This, and an hour of traffic school, gets me out of a speeding ticket., #1: What's the down side? No one's going to see this. ••• Ricky Gervais plugs his upcoming special, Talking Funny. ••• Bjorn Lomborg, a professor at the Copenhagen Business School and author of The Skeptical Environment, plugs his new DVD, Cool It: Are We Saving the World or Just Spending Money? Mr. Lomborg's theme is that we should do good things for the environment, but some of the claims about impending doom are exaggerated. What we should do is find ways to make technologies like solar power much cheaper. He was a very interesting guest! ••• Dave introduces the members of Foo Fighters: Pat Smear on guitar, Nate Mendel on bass, Taylor Hawkins on drums, Chris Shiftlett on guitar, and on guitar and vocals, Dave Grohl. ••• Foo Fighters sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a picture of a round, blue plaque Ricky Gervais arranged to be displayed at an English tavern, Friend at Hand:

American Talk Show Host
(born April 12, 1947)
Got drunk here
for a week.

••• [The Foo Fighters were featured in a live webcast this evening.]

4/13/11 [3475]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Maple Shade, New Jersey. ••• Sing Sing Prison in Ossining, New York, opened for business in 1828. Now there's discussion on selling it for real estate development, such as condominiums. "It'll be a gated community," Dave points out. He claims that we have a live camera at Sing Sing to see a condo owners' meeting. / video: Shecky has some black and white footage of a prison riot. ••• Donald Trump's running for president. (Talk about comedy gold for Dave!) Obama's birth certificate? Where's the license for that thing on his head? ••• monologue: "This Donald Trump... he shoots from the hip, he speaks from his gut, he's a pain in the ass," Dave observes. Still, Donald let a Late Show crew come by to see how he gets ready for his day. / video:

(Photoshop fun): A bald Donald's seated at a futuristic-looking console.

(music): Star Wars Darth Vader music

(animation): Robot arms lower that thing on his head onto his head.

••• That fruitcake Shirley MacLaine went on Oprah and proclaimed that she once got it on with three men in one day. Now there's applause and giggling from the audience. Dave looks around. Yup. It's Tom "Bones" Malone, Al Chez and Bruce Kapler in the horn section, all with their right hands raised. "Good gig," Dave says, then he shows the three guys MacLaine was really talking about: Larry Fine, Curly Howard and Moe Howard. ••• interruption: "What's the matter, Tony (Mendez)? It looks like you'd quit." Apparently Tony lowered the cue cards for a moment, and sort of threw off Dave's timing a little. He gets a little air time out of the deal, anyway. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. Dave brags that he ordered live feeds from Donald Trump's place and Sing Sing. 2. Dave visits with us a while on the subject of Kirstie Alley's tubbiness. He doubts that she's going to be happy that he compared her to an Airbus 380. ••• interruption: What is that chirping? Who's talking in the background? Good lord. Are we really seeing this? Alan Kalter has a little acrylic cage, and in it are three big, fat rats. He's talking to the rodents like they're cute little kittens. "David, it's springtime, and I'm stocking the theater with rats," Alan explains. Barbara Gaines is about two feet away from the action, and she doesn't appear to be pleased in the least to have her front row seat for this action. Hats off to Alan Kalter. There's nothing he won't do for comedy, even if it means a raging case of bubonic plague. ••• Top Ten Revelations by Muammar Qaddafi's Ukranian Nurse ••• Courteney Cox plugs Scream 4. ••• out of commercial: Dave complains that he has a birthday hangover today. ••• Costume Designer Sue Hum's in the guest chair. Her visit with Dave goes something like this:
(Dave): "Right now we're going to try another skit! Let's see how this goes."

(Dave, turning to Sue): "May I help you?"

(Sue): "Si."

(Dave): "Uh huh. You know we're right in the middle of the show, don't you?"

(Sue): "Si.

(Dave): "Uh huh. And you work here, right?"

(Sue): "Si."

(Dave): "And what is your name?"

(Sue): "Sue.

(Dave): "Sue?"

(Sue): "Si."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. And you're our Costume Designer?"

(Sue): "Si."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. So then I guess part of your job is to..."

(Sue): "Sew."

(Dave): "Right. So..."

(Sue): "Sew."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Sue): "Si."

(Dave): "Uh, now... we actually have stolen this bit from an old Jack Benny radio program. Is that right?"

(Sue): "Si."

(Dave): "Uh huh. And what do you think Jack Benny would think of our version of his famous skit?"

(Sue): "Sucks."

(Dave): "Yeah. Thank you, Sue. Thank you very much. Sue Hum, ladies and gentlemen."

(Sue): rises and exits the stage

(Dave): "We'll be right back with Aziz Ansari, everybody."

••• Aziz Ansari plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• Alison Kraus and Union Station, featuring Jerry Douglas ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/14/11 [3476]: brand new audience prompt: "LAUGH NOW!" (x6) ••• Vice-President Joe Biden fell asleep for awhile during President Obama's half-hour budget speech yesterday. / Tonight, in the CBS guest seats in the Ed Sullivan Theater balcony, it's Joe Biden, fast asleep! ••• Here's President Obama's response to Joe Biden's nap during his budget address yesterday. / video:

(President Obama): "Moreover, this belief hasn't hindered the success of those at the top of the income scale."

(shot of Biden snoozing)

(President Obama): "They continue to do better and better with each passing year."

(animation): The president deploys and toots an air horn.

(Joe Biden): eyes wide open now!

(President Obama): lowers the air horn

••• Apple has a new ad for the iPad2™. / video:
(graphic): Apple® logo on black

(voice-over): "Apple is thrilled consumers love the iPad 2™. For those unsure about buying one, here is what you should know. The new version is 33% thinner. Two cameras allow for Facetime. And we've added a new security feature if your iPad2 is stolen."

(video/animation): A young dude is seated at a kitchen table. Apparently he's a crook, holding someone's stolen iPad. / A swarm of bees emerges from the top of the iPad, and they proceed to attack the criminal, who screams bloody murder. (Why don't they send those bees after bin Laden?)

(Apple logo and voice-over): "Apple: Eatin' good in the neighborhood."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Tonight's program has been rated 'TV-licious.' " ••• desk chat:
Harry Letterman has been playing T-Ball, or tee ball, or however you spell it, for three years. This year he's stepping up to coach-pitch ball. In a visit with the coach, Dave learns that Harry will need to be equipped with a cup, just in case a 95-MPH fastball gets away from the pitcher. Dave made his way to an outfit called Sports Authority®, some giant emporium I've never heard of. Eventually Dave learns about sliding shorts, which come with a cup. Fun fact: Dave's wearing a cup tonight!
••• Sitting in on bass guitar tonight is special guest, Mr. Will Lee. After Dave introduces him, Will speaks up to inform Dave that he's been with the show for 30 years! (Will was with Late Night on day one.) ••• Top Ten Tax Tips (presented by area accountants: Ann Timney, Mark Morrow, Joe Pagluca, Phil DeFalco, Adele Valenzuela, Harvey Tanton, Lawrence Spielman, Richard Koenigsberg, Arthur Drucker and Doug Cohen) ••• Seth Meyers of SNL / We learn that Seth recently spent some time with Martha Stewart, who let Seth feed her donkeys. ••• After Seth's interview, Dave shows a picture of a woman who looks like Martha Stewart, seated on a donkey. ••• audience prompt: "LAUGH NOW!" ••• Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Carmelo Anthony ••• TV on the Radio sing. (They did a live webcast this evening.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Joe Biden snoozing ••• vintage WPI closing logo and voice-over, "My accountant is Fred Nigro." (Dave's real accountant.)

4/15/11 [3477]: monologue: Dave says Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi is usually surrounded by barbed wire, and his inner circle people call him Papa. The ruthless dictator can have the very best, which is hard to argue: His favorite meal is camel and spaghetti. Furthermore, Dave was watching Rachael Ray this morning, and the Colonel was stuffin' a hump into a grinder! What? You think Dave's joking about all this? / photo: It's a can of Sheik Boyardee® Camel & Spaghetti. Yum. ••• Not only that, Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi scored CBS guest seats in the balcony tonight. It's a big week! ••• Earlier this month, Czech archaeologists unearthed the remains of what they believe to be an early gay man from around 2900-2500 B.C., outside Prague. "They classified him as a hunter-decorator," Dave says. / photo: It's Tutti Frutti himself, Richard Simmons, in one of his silly little outfits. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and his excited announcement that he's downloaded the new iPhone™ game, Angry Birds on Thorazine ••• desk chat: The Late Show writers want to help Dave keep up with pop culture, so they've loaded up some blue cards with cool new Charlie Sheen one-liners: 1. "Who out there is winning?" 2. "Who out there has tiger blood?" 3. "Who out there has Adonis DNA?" ••• desk chat: Dave knows people who went to see Charlie Sheen's road show. For the first 20 minutes, everybody was excited and pulling for Charlie. At 55 minutes (he was supposed to deliver 90 minutes), Charlie vanished, and the house lights came on. Gone! Also, they had an audience woman being chased by police. Later she was seen handcuffed to a thing in the lobby. ••• interruption: What is that semi-familiar sound? Rats? No, it's Paul's accountant, who's set up shop on Paul's organ. He has an extra-noisy adding machine. ••• Top Ten Starbucks Drinks or Medical Conditions ••• Tina Fey plugs her book, Bossypants. ••• interruption: Late Show drummer for the past 25 years (on May 5), Mr. Anton Fig, needs Dave's attention.

(Anton): "Uh, Dave. Dave? Excuse me, Dave?" Dave! Excuse me. Dave! Here!"

(Dave, looking to his right): "Oh, Anton! Buddy Rich, Jr., ladies and gentlemen. Take a bow, buddy!"

(Anton): "Uh, Dave..."

(Dave): "What can I do for you, Anton?"

(Anton): "Yeah, well, I don't mean to interrupt the show, but, um, there's a guy in the audience that's really... he's creeping me out."

(Dave): "A guy in the audience is bothering you?"

(camera to the audience): It's Producer Brian Teta. He's wearing Anton's trademark black beret, holding a drumstick, and wearing a custom-printed white T-shirt that says, "I ♥ ANTON." As we've come to expect with his creepy character, he's rolling his eyes from side to side, in paranoia.

(Anton): "Yeah, he is."

(Brian continues rolling his eyes.)

(Dave, to Anton): "It's funny... you don't have a problem with Muammar Gaddafi in the balcony! No... this guy... I wouldn't worry about this guy. He looks harmless. Forget about him. That's fine. Just don't worry about him."

(Dave, to the North American viewing public): "Uh, coming up on the program..."

(Anton): "Uh, Dave! Dave!"

(Dave): "Yes?"

(What? Now Brian's directly behind Anton, with dark eye shadow, and a maniacal zombie stare.)

(Anton): "Uh, he's really... he's really scaring me!"

(Dave): "I don't... still... seriously, I'll take care of it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Also coming up on the program, Gaslight Anthem..."

(Anton): "Dave! Dave!"

(Dave): "What?"

(Anton): "Help!"

(Good lord! Now Brian's sitting on Anton's lap!)

(Dave, to Brian): "OK, that's... that's it. Get... You! You! Right there! You know... get out of here! And don't come back! Go talk to your friend, Radio Man."

(Brian scampers out toward the 53rd St. exit.)

(Dave): "Seems like a nice kid. We'll be right back with Tommy Johnagin, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tommy Johnagin does stand-up. ••• The Gaslight Anthem sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edit: Wahoo Mike reported later that Paul's accountant was played by Joe DeGeorge, WPI corporate accountant.]

4/18/11: REPEAT FROM 3/31/11

4/19/11: REPEAT FROM 3/22/11

4/20/11: REPEAT FROM 4/01/11

4/21/11: REPEAT FROM 3/16/11

4/22/11: REPEAT FROM 3/28/11

4/25/11 [3478]: monologue: Producer Brian Teta and the Easter Bunny stroll onstage. Brian has himself a gigantic (as in two feet tall), colorful Easter egg mask. Dave says, "Hi, Brian. I don't know what this is, but we're not doin' it. Just get out... get out of here!" ••• The White House Easter egg hunt took place today, and CNN covered all the action. / video:

(clip of the president and his family)

(clips of kids in their Easter outfits, tracking down those eggs)

(voice-over): "Thousands of guests from around the country gathered at the White House for the president's annual Easter egg hunt. Children excitedly scoured the lawn for hidden eggs, and one lucky kid dug up the shallow grave of Richard Nixon's dog, Checkers. Don Irwin, CNN, Washington."

(photo of President Nixon and Checkers)

(Dave calls for a second look at a boy with Checkers' leg bone. It looks like it could belong to a giraffe.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Backstage, I told Bill Maher that he looked 'Maher-velous.' I spent hours coming up with that gem!" ••• desk chat:
  1. The show's been on vacation for 10 days. Dave confesses a problem, in hopes that Dr. Phil can give him some guidance during his visit later this week. "I can't stop watching college softball," Dave says. He watched a three-day series of Alabama vs. Florida on ESPN, the World Champion of Making Something Out of Nothing. (Dave looks at the camera and pleads, "Please help me, Dr. Phil." It was delivered in the wide-eyed style of his "I feel likes my head want to bust open" from the 1980s, or "Hep me. Hep me. I been hyp-mo-tized!!) A microphone on the guy calling the shots only amounted to him spinning his fingers to keep it rolling.

  2. Dave wants to be Oprah.
••• Prince William's getting hitched on Friday. / video:
(clip from a cathedral)

(British voice-over): "It's the romantic event of the year: the wedding between Prince William and Catherine Middleton, and the Late Show with David Letterman will be on hand for every magical moment."

(motion graphic of the Late Show logo)

(British voice-over): "The Late Show in London. All this week."

(I think it's nice that Prince Williams' ears don't stick out like his daddy's.)

••• Top Ten Apple Excuses ••• desk chat: (referring to NCAA women's softball) 1. They use a giant, green ball. 2. Dave doesn't like it when they chew tobacco.) ••• Bill Maher plugs Real Time with Bill Maher. (I think he's a Democrat.) ••• Pat Farmer and Tommy O'Brien appear onstage for a presentation from Stagehand Theater: "William and Kate." / It goes something like this:
(Tommy): "We're supposed to be studying."

(Pat): "I'm studying you. I love you."

(Tommy): "You do? I love you, too. I love the private you. I love the public you. And I love the you no one gets to see, but me."

(Pat): "I don't want to spend another moment without you. When I first tried to kiss you, you pushed me away."

(Tommy): "I remember."

(Pat): "Then I pushed you away. I don't want to that again. And I'll never do that again."

(Tommy): "How can I be sure?"

(Pat): "Give me some time to prove it. I love you, Kate Middleton."

(Tommy and Pat rise and bow.)

(Remember when Tommy played the Late Show Bear? Those were the days!)

••• Cote de Pablo plugs NCIS. She's from Chile. ••• Lupe Fiasco sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette reports that the part of the Easter Bunny was played by Assistant Talent Researcher John "Extra L" Klarl.]

4/26/11 [3479]: Tonight's audience shout out is to someone who asked, yet again, about Dave's gray socks. ••• Prince William Mountbatten-Windsor and Kate Middleton will be married later this week. This is a perfect occasion to learn more about British protocol, in "A Guide to Royal Etiquette." / video:

(title graphic)

(British voice-over): "Rule #27: Under no circumstances may a commoner Heimlich the Queen."

(animation): A gentleman is standing behind Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, and he successfully performs Dr. Heimlich's procedure. Her Majesty coughs up something roughly the size of a turkey drumstick, and lives to reign another day.

(British voice-over): "This has been 'A Guide to Royal Etiquette.' "

••• interruption: Producer Brian Teta, wearing a suit and sort of an orangey wig, along with an unnamed staffer outfitted as the president's birth certifcate, stroll onstage. Dave says, "I have no idea what this is, but I want no part of it. Get out of here!" (I'm sure the wig was a close as the staff could find to that thing that resides on Donald Trump's head.) ••• monologue: "Very early on, presidential candidates are assigned Secret Service coverage. Did you know this? Even if you're a candidate, you get a Secret Service team, and they give you a code name that they can use when they're talkin' into their cuff links. And the code name for Donald Trump is Squirrel Pelt. Did you know this?" ••• There's a prison in Afghanistan, and a bunch of Taliban guys... 500 of them... escaped through a hole overnight. / photo ••• "A Few Minutes with Barney Frank" / video:
(title graphic)

(clips of Congressman Frank): "I think the time has come to re-examine NATO." "I didn't vote for the prescription drug bill."

(about 30 mini-clips of the Congressman smacking his lips)

(title graphic and stately music)

••• monologue: "I'm not kiddin'... beautiful day today. Wait a minute... so beautiful today that air traffic controllers were napping in the park!" ••• interruption: Mr. Will Ferrell sneaks onstage. Cheers from the audience interfere with his plans to get an undetected early look at Dave's questions for him. ••• It's a call from 1972, via Dave's landline phone. With us is John Penrose, Minister for Tourism & Heritage at the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, calling from the Houses of Parliament. Dave reads a brief bio before picking up the phone. Dave tries his best to score a ticket for the royal wedding, but John can't help him, as he's not invited, either. ••• Top Ten Katie Couric Future Plans ••• Will Ferrell has definitely changed clothes since his earlier stealth appearance. He's outfitted as a proper English gentleman, with a top hat. He sort of looks like a doorman at an upscale New York hotel. Things are going very well, when Dave gives Will permission to greet the royal couple. He bows deeply, then makes his way to Dave Dorsett's camera, planting two overly-long, sloppy kisses on the lens. Dave grabs Windex and a rag to polish up the lens after Will's indiscretion. Eventually Will gets around to plugging Everything Must Go. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The CBSO play a song by Phoebe Snow, as she died earlier today at the young age of 60. Phoebe appeared with Paul Simon and the CBSO in 1993, and with Darlene Love in 1998 for "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." ••• How on earth did Dave get talked into this? He puts on a giant, ridiculous sombrero, and delivers a promo for Televisa. It goes something like this:
(Dave): "Hi, friends. I'm Dave Letterman, and when I'm in Mexico, I watch Televisa, and their award-winning news team, with Maria Garcia and Alberto Navarro."

(Spanish translation)

(Alan Kalter): "Televisa: ¡Es muy buena television!"

Dave seemed to enjoy doing the segment.

••• outside cam: the Statue of Liberty ••• The Twilight Singers ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/27/11 [3480]: Earlier today, the White House released a copy of Barack Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate. His real name? Barack Hussein Obamawitz, and who knew there would be an ad for the CBS hit, Hawaii Five-0, at the bottom of the document? ••• Prince William Mountbatten-Windsor and Kate Middleton will be married later this week. "Security is tighter than the Queen's ass," Dave reports. "This Week at Westminster Abbey" / video:

(title graphic and piano music)

(British voice-over): "Thursday: Rehearsal for the royal wedding. Friday: The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Saturday and Sunday: RV Show! That's 'This Week at Westminster Abbey.' "

••• Earlier this week, in a prison in Afghanistan, 500 Taliban prisoners escaped via a tunnel. (Maybe they'll dig a tunnel for Lindsay Lohan, too.) We see a guard by the opening of the tunnel, that took six months to dig. Inches from the opening is a fan. "Thank God they didn't take the fan," Dave exclaims. ••• Donald Trump was all over the news today after the story on Obama's birth certificate broke, since he's been making quite a fuss about the thing. / animation: That thing on Donald's head attacks him. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave has an update on the Letterman family's pesky pooch, Sully. He's half Yellow Lab / half meth lab, and just as dumb as they come. Sully's a scavenger. In fact, he's taught himself how to fish. He picks up carcasses, and Dave has to remove stuff from his mouth. A couple of weeks ago, Sully was acting lethargic, off and on. Eventually he coughed up a rubber band. Oh, great. That probably means Dave's giant wad of cash became dog food. When a veterinarian checked out Sullly, he decided to do some barium x-rays, so the junk food he's been eating can be tracked. The vet told Dave, "If it gets to the colon, you're home free." Sully had another x-ray this morning. The veterinarian reported that the mass has broken up, and is heading toward the colon. / The CBSO plays Neil Sedaka's "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
••• "Is This Anything?"
Alan Kalter introduces Grammy Award winner and star of Celebrity Apprentice, Meat Loaf, who will serve as our celebrity judge. He's looking very well, and he's ready to go. / The scrim rises. Al Chez plays some sort of Spanish music. It's a guy balanced on two layers of buckets, separated by boards, which ultimately are balanced on a hollow tube, so he's rolling back and forth during the act. The scrim lowers. / Paul says, "Money in the bank!" Meat Loaf says, "I think that was very entertaining, like two women kissin' on a subway!" Dave has to agree. It was something.
••• after commercial: Dave wants to show his picture of Sully (a snarling, feral varmint). ••• Top Ten Surprises on Barack Obama's Birth Certificate ••• Kate Hudson, one of the Late Show's best guests, plugs Something Borrowed. Whoops! Dave, maybe unintentionally, tells the very pregnant Kate that she looks ravenous. Kate says, "Thank you," anyway, so maybe Daddy isn't in the doghouse. (I'm not positive that Dave realized his slip of the tongue.) Not long after, Kate's telling a touching story about meeting her new love, when Dave interjects, "Next thing you know, you're knocked up!" Fortunately, Kate has an awesome sense of humor, just like Mom, and she laughs along with the audience. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rich Eisen, of the NFL Network, visits with Dave about the NFL Draft. ••• Emmylou Harris sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edit: Wahoo Mike reports that the balancing act guy is Jan Damm.]

4/28/11 [3481]: Tonight's audience shout out is to someone from Niagara Falls. ••• Today was "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work" day 2011. Dave brought Harry in, and let him fire a couple of writers! ••• Now, we all know that Alan Kalter must be just about the best father ever. As a matter of fact, at his side is a 20-something, blonde babe who reminds one of Kate Hudson. "Alan, is that your daugher?" Dave inquires. "Uhh... yes, it is," Big Red stammers. It's good to see that Alan's still gettin' it done! ••• interruption: Producer Brian Teta, as Captain America, and Assistant Talent Researcher John Klarl, as Thor, appear onstage. Thor has that gigantic hammer, and a sporty red cape. "I don't know what this is," Dave informs them, "but we're not gonna do it." ••• monologue: Dave stuns us by wishing happy 61st birthday to Jay Leno, then redeems himself with, "Jay, of course, one of the few tyrants still alive. All of his friends got together and had a party. They had a cake. Jay cut the cake with the same knife he stuck in Conan's back." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Did you know Dr. Phil's first name is short for Philomena? Creepy." ••• desk chat:

Dave has a lengthy visit with Paul about a story in today's New York Daily News. Last Thursday, Paul hosted a roast for his old friend and sitcom writer, Tom Leopold, who decided to convert from the Jewish religion to Catholicism. The caption of the story is "Comic's sects change is divine fun." Harry Shearer was there, among others. Paul's opening line was, "What a night! Does Tom Leopold know how to betray his own people, or what?"
••• President Obama produced a copy of his Hawaiian birth certificate today, after Donald Trump's been shooting off his mouth about this deal for several weeks. Dave claims Obama is going to re-enact his own birth this weekend. / video:
(birth certificate photo)

(voice-over): "Despite the release of Barack Obama's birth certificate, some people still don't believe he was born in the United States. So, to convince the skeptics, the president will travel to Hawaii, and on live, national television, he will re-enact his own birth."

(delivery room animation, with popping sound): The president, dressed in a suit, is born in about ½ second and says, "Hi, everybody."

(voice-over): "Thursday, after The Paul Reiser Show, only on NBC."

••• desk chat:
Following up on yesterday's long desk chat about Sully's medical problems, Dave displays an x-ray of his doggie's abdomen. We're all on the edge of our seats, waiting for whatever that thing is to make its way though his colon. Dave thinks part of a leash is going to be hanging out of Sully's ass sometime soon. Dave doesn't miss the opportunity to show that mad dog picture that's supposed to be Sully.
••• Peyton Hillis, of the Cleveland Browns, presents the Top Ten Perks of Being on the Cover of Madden NFL 12. ••• Dr. Phil McGraw visits with Dave about Oprah's retirement, and Donald Trump's obsession with Obama's place of birth and college grades. Dave hollers over to Barbara Gaines to ask why they have Trump booked. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Chris Hemsworth plugs his title role in Thor. He's so cool, he doesn't have to cinch up his tie. Dave wishes he could talk Australian, like Chris. So... I'm kind of halfway following the movie discussion when they run a clip, and there is Academy Award winner, Natalie Portman. She looks absolutely amazing in this clip. I'm there, dude! ••• Norbert Butz and the cast of Catch Me If You Can perform a dance number from the show, opening soon at the Neil Simon Theatre at 250 W. 52nd St. (Hey... that's just a block from the Ed Sullivan Theater!) One of the Dukes of Hazzard is in the play! I don't think we'll see the General Lee, though. (Is there a single one of the Broadway theaters that spells theatre in American... other than the Ed Sullivan Theater?) ••• A bunch of musicians occupied the CBSO's places during the number, since there was lots of dancing onstage, and they couldn't get back in position in time, so Paul played us out by himself. Some of us thought that he played the Late Night theme, but Micah White has weighed in with his opinion that it was an organ solo of the Late Show theme. I'll defer to the Sharp-Eared Listener's ruling on that.

4/29/11 [3482]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a docent. ••• monologue:

(Dave): "Here's a joke my son and his buddies are telling. I said to him, 'Boy, it's awfully rainy.' "

(Harry): "Yeah."

(Dave): "April showers bring May flowers."

(Harry): "Yeah, and Mayflowers bring the pilgrims."

(Dave): "Great. Now I've got to write the kid a check."

••• interruption: It's been our lucky week, with an appearance by Producer Brian Teta four out of five days. What a blockbuster interruption we're about to get tonight! Brian takes the stage outfitted as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, accompanied by Assistant Talent Researcher John Klarl, who's wearing a red Buckingham Palace guard uniform.
(Dave): "Oh! Geez! Brian, you look terrible. Say hello to your wife. Just go ahead and say hello to your wife."

(Brian): "Hi, honey."

(Dave): "How long have you been married?"

(Brian): "Seven years."

(Dave): "Seven years?"

(Brian): "We're having a baby."

(Dave): "Oh, and you're having a baby? Well, good. Well, say hello to your yet-to-be-born son or daughter."

(Brian): "Hi."

(Dave): "Hi, it's me, Daddy!" (demonstrates for Brian) "Hi..."

(Brian): "Hi, it's me, Daddy!"

(Dave, taking a look at both of them): "I don't know what this is, but I don't want to do it, so thanks."

(Brian and John exit peacefully.)

••• "Royal Wedding Highlight of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(Shecky has found a clip from another wedding.): The scene is outdoors, on a rainy day. The groom picks up the bride and starts to climb up on the base of a large light pole. The groom slips. The bride screams, and lands on top of the groom. It looks like the honeymoon will be in the nearest hospital.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm going out of town this weekend. I need someone to stop by and feed my cats. Give me a call if you can promise not to look in my basement. Keep it here, Mr. Belvedere." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave announces that he went to Rice University for some medical tests, then was sent to NASA and to JPL, who report that he has zero percent body fat. Pound-for-pound, for his age category, Dave's the most powerfully-built man in North America.

  2. If any of us have purchased Q-tips® in the past three years, make contact via the Late Show web site, so Dave can get us some money. He's suing Unilever for $500,000,000. Paul wants to know what's going on. Dave shows a package, which clearly says "variety of uses" at the top. Well, everyone knows the only use for a Q-tip® is to get junk out of your ears. Watch out, Unilever.

  3. This just in: Bill Scheft hands Dave a copy of Muscle & Fitness. A smiling Dave's on the cover, in a tank top, of course.
••• Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble in the William and Kate Marriage ••• Dave tells his Prince Charles horse face joke: Queen Elizabeth's at the Kentucky Derby a couple of years ago, and she's inspecting the horses in their stalls. As she passes by each horse, she says, "Charles?" ••• John Krasinski plugs Something Borrowed. ••• "Update on the Royal Wedding" /
We go via satellite to a green screen somewhere backstage, where CBS correspondent Bob Peterson (Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson) is ready with his report.

(split screen)

(Dave): "Bob, are you there?"

(Bob, not in Cincinnati): "Hi, Dave. I can now confirm that the royal newlyweds, William and Kate, are honeymooning here in Cincinatti, Ohio, and are staying at this Red Roof Inn®. They checked in about 20 minutes ago, and I don't think we'll be seeing them again tonight, if you know what I'm saying."

(Dave, to Paul): "They're in Cincinatti, apparently?"

(Paul): "At a Red Roof Inn®."

(Dave): "What's it like? What's the room like? Do you know, Bob?"

(Bob): "Well, my stories say the luxury suites had already been booked by realtors in town for a convention..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Bob): "...but they did get an upgraded room overlooking the pool, rather than the parking lot."

(Dave): "Right."

(Bob): "Between the newlyweds and that darned ice machine, it might be a pretty noisy night on the second floor."

(Dave): "Alright. Well, thanks. We'll check back in with you. Bob Peterson... Cincinatti, Ohio. Nice job, Bob."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "NEWS FLASH" / OK... Alan doesn't have a news flash, but he hasn't gotten to use the graphic in a long time, and it's a shame to waste it. ••• Brian Kiley does stand-up. He has some really funny material, and a new CD, "Self Portrait." ••• Steve Earle sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/02/11 [3483]: It's a very special Late Show, as Osama bin Laden atttained carcasshood yesterday! / monologue: "You folks enjoy the Osama bin Laden season finale?" Dave inquires. ••• Osama was living in a compound in Pakistan, with 12-foot walls, barbed wire, etc. / photo: We see an incredible mansion. Wait. No, that's Derek Jeter's place. ••• monologue: The CIA had Osama's compound under surveillance for a long time. They had tips, and that helped. Dave shows us a satellite photo of the mansion, and we pan left a bit. Well, there we have it. There's a rickety old mailbox with stick-on letters: "O. BIN LADEN." ••• monologue: "Oh, my God, but how about those Navy Seals? I mean, honestly! We're gettin' our money's worth out of those guys, aren't we? They jump out of a helicopter and they break into the compound, and they fire a warning shot in his head!" ••• monologue: "Before I came out here, as I do every night, I was meeting with some nonsectarian clergymen, and they were telling me there's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. Apparently it was a mix-up. It happens all the time... just a paperwork kind of a deal. He was greeted by 72 vegans." ••• "Fox News Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay news flash music)

(President Obama, concluding his announcement of having Osama killed.): "And may God bless the United States of America."

(Fox 5 WTTG Washington, D. C. male anchor): "President Obama speaking from the East Room of the White House, telling the nation and the world, President Obama is, in fact, dead." (spoken as we watch the president walking down the hallway on split screen)

(FX): "no" buzzer

••• Dave enjoyed that clip very much, so now he calls for the 9/16/09 clip of Ernie Anastos on Fox 5 WNYW telling the weatherman to "keep givling that chicken." ••• monologue: Dave has another video: We see President Obama addressing the nation about Osama's carcasshood, and down the hall behind him is a guy running around in circles chanting, "USA! USA! USA!" ••• monologue: Dave looks at his left wrist and tells his "Osama's just arriving in hell" joke. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Ineffective Duck Calls" (Alan says, "Get over here, duck!") ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave gives a verbal tip of the hat to the Navy Seals, who assisted the CIA in exterminating Osama.

  2. Why is it that helicopters always drop out of the sky when there's a special operation? Dave's motto is "fixed-wing aircraft only."

  3. Dave has another tip of the hat to Brian Williams, who's on tonight's show in spite of extending tonight's NBC Nightly News to an hour.

  4. The Late Show also has its own version of the Navy Seals standing by. / upstairs cam: It's a staffer guy, holding a baseball bat, looking quite menacing.
••• Top Ten Final Words of Osama bin Laden / #2: I need a houseful of Navy Seals like I need a hole in the head. ••• Brian Williams gives an outstanding interview about various aspects of the Osama story. He's always been a great guest. Brian has show and tell: The New York Post cover with the caption: "GOT HIM! Vengeance at last! US nails the bastard." Then we see the New York Daily News, with the caption "Rot in Hell" beside Osama's pre-bullet-hole face. Dave and Brian pose with the cover of the New York Post in hopes that their picture will make the next edition of the paper. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Congratulations to Dave on his promotion to Associate Producer. / Applications now being accepted for host. ••• New York Jets coach Rex Ryan

5/03/11 [3484]: outside cam: Pat Farmer and Head Carpenter Harold Larkin are fueling a fire on the 53rd St. sidewalk. Pat explains that they're burning Dave's trash, so no one can track him down. ••• Dave shows us a picture of the late Osama bin Laden's fortress. / corrrection: It's Derek Jeter's palace. ••• interruption: A well-dressed gentleman comes onstage looking for Dave. It's Steve Morris, an attorney for Osama, and he's dropping by to present Dave his inheritance from the bearded wonder: his favorite Panini Press. Dave is touched by the gesture, and tosses it on the stage floor. ••• A photo of the President of the United States, Vice-President Biden, Secretary of State Clinton and other officials in the Situation Room, monitoring the extermination of Osama bin Laden, was released on Monday. / Photoshop fun: The tense session has become a fine banquet, with a six-foot hoagie on the table, beer and a fun ice cream cake, shaped like an adorable whale. ••• monologue: The Tony Awards nominations have just been released, and any self-respecting fan will see this joke coming down Sixth Avenue: The Late Show's once again nominated for Biggest Waste of a Broadway Theater. ••• Osama kicking the bucket over the weekend resulted in a hot new TV program, America's New #1 Enemy. / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "It's time to announce America's new #1 enemy."

(photos of ornery troublemakers on a background of a red curtain, with game show sound FX): We see the mugshots of Ahmadinejad, Ghaddafi, Kim Jong-Il, Raul Castro, Hosni Mubarak, et. al. flashing by us.

(FX): ding ding ding ding

(voice-over): "Congratulations, Gary Busey! You're America's new #1 enemy! Now, stay tuned for Hollywood Squares."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Adorable Mispronunciations of the Word Sandwich" (tonight: "Sammidge") ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave makes quite a fuss over Caroline Kennedy's book, She Walks in Beauty: A Woman's Journey Through Poems.

  2. Our host announces that he'd like to take a cross-country trip with Caroline.

  3. On a computer rendering of Osama's fortress in Pakistan, Dave points out some very cool features: a wiffle ball field, a Cinnabon®, a prize-winning tomato garden, a 10-foot-high statue of Wayne Gretzky, a rooftop Aero Spa® hot tub and an antique car garage. No wonder that rascal never came out of there!
••• We have another look at the officials gathered in the Situation Room during Osama's extermination. / Top Ten Things Overheard During This Moment ••• Caroline Kennedy plugs her book of poetry. ••• Ty Burrell plugs Modern Family. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [not mentioned on tonight's telecast: Dave's scheme to get into today's New York Post was successful. They ran a photo of Daddy and Brian Williams posing with yesterday's New York Post front page.]

5/04/11 [3485]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a man from Orem, Utah. ••• interruption: It seems that Alan Kalter had a medical procedure yesterday. He's wearing one of those cones veterinarians put on pets while they heal. Poor little fella! ••• We finally get to see the official CIA photo of bin Laden's place in Pakistan. Nope. For the third straight day, it's Jeter's mansion. ••• interruption: Stephen Colbert shows up and starts pawing through Dave's command module. What on earth? He has to pee, and doesn't seem to mind that the entire North American continent knows it. Eventually he finds the restroom key under Dave's desk, attached to one of those gas station don't-drive-away-with-the-key pieces of wood. ••• monologue: Dave tells his "bin Laden arriving in hell right about now" joke. He would have gotten there sooner, but he had to go through Newark (the official U.S. portal to hell). ••• monologue: bin Laden was buried at sea, so there wouldn't be a shrine anywhere on earth. Dave recently learned that CBS has the same plans for him! ••• "Get to Know Ayman Al-Zawahiri" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Ayman Al-Zawahiri was born in Egypt, and trained as a surgeon. Prior to his involvement with Al Qaeda, he was the head of Egyptian Islamic jihad. Earlier this year, he released a major musical hit."

(animation): We see a close-up of Ayman singing Rebecca Black's blockbuster hit, Friday. Come on, Ayman, put some feeling into it if you want to be a star!

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know Ayman Al-Zawahiri.' "

••• Barack Obama has decided not to release photos of Osama bin Laden's carcass. Meanwhile, he did decide to release the booking photo of Nick Nolte from 2002. ••• interruption: A smiling Stephen Colbert, who seems to be feeling much better, returns the restroom key to Dave. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and Dave's five-alarm Cinco de Mayo chili recipe ••• desk chat: Gary from Orem couldn't get into the baseball game today, so the wise ass came to the Late Show instead, and had the nerve to tell Dave about it. Dave says, "We're finally making some progress on the war on terrorism, and now this. Now we're fighting a war on tourism!" ••• interruption: Three commandos (maybe Navy Seals) storm the stage, and efficiently extract Tony "Cue Cards" Mendez. His offense remains a mystery. Nice knowing you, Tony. ••• Top Ten Good Things About Having Osama bin Laden as a Neighbor ••• Betty White plugs her new book, If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won't). Betty gives Dave a hard time for mentioning that she's the same age as Dorothy, his mother. (Actually, Betty was born on 1/17/22, and Dorothy was born on 7/18/21.) ••• "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts" (Oprah's celebrity guest: Shirley MacLaine, telling about having three "boyfriends" in one day) / It was nice to see Kenny again! The last time we saw this segment was on 6/15/05. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Morning Teleportation sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/05/11 [3486]: Scott Pelley (whoever that is) has been named as the new anchor of the CBS Evening News. He narrowly beat out Ernie Anastos of Fox 5 WNYW. / video from 9/16/09 of Ernie saying a very naughty word on the air. ••• Cinco de Mayo joke: "I love New York City. They get so excited about stuff, and very festive Cinco de Mayo. All the potholes are full of salsa and guacamole. That's true. That's a true story. And also, listen to this. On my lunch hour, I'm walkin' through Central Park, and my hand to God this is true, I see a squirrel in Central Park putting guacamole on his nuts. Honest to God, that's a true story." / "I Wonder If That Joke Would Be Funnier in Spanish?" / Tony Mendez stands by Dave to deliver the joke in Spanish. / "¡Si!" ••• Dave claims that when Tony took his place by Dave to deliver the joke, he said, "Move over, asshole." Tony thinks that was funny. ••• monologue: "It's Cinco de Mayo, ladies and gentlemen. Pakistan says they had no idea." ••• For the fourth straight night, Dave claims they have a photo of Osama's hideout in Pakistan. Not so much. For the fourth straight night, it's Derek Jeter's mansion. ••• "I Wonder If That Joke Would Be Funnier in Spanish?" / Tony Mendez stands by Dave to deliver the joke in Spanish. This time he forgets it partway through. Thankfully he just has to look down at the cue card he's holding. / "Move over, asshole," Dave says. ••• There's great controversy in our nation today on whether the dead pictures of Osama should be made public. Are they too grisly? Well, what about this one? (a photo of Hugh M. Hefner in a yacht captain's hat, with a babe leaning on him) ••• "Today at Osama's Compound" / video: A Pepsi truck driver is pounding on the gate, trying to make a delivery. ••• desk chat:

Back to a story from 4/29/11, Dave reminds us that he is suing Unilever over the proclamation on Q-tips® packages that they have a "variety of uses." The original lawsuit was to be for $500,000,000. Dave's apparently calmed down a bit, since he's now only seeking $50,000,000... still a tidy sum for a white lie. Naturally, the rascals at Unilever want to settle this matter out of court. To prove their case, they've sent Dave real-life proof of additional uses:

• Q-tips® microphone for his desk
• Q-tips® mug
• Q-tips® coaster for the mug
• Q-tips® socks!
• Q-tips® tie

Nice try, Unilever, but now the price is up to $700,000,000! ••• Via satellite from greater Indianapolis, Dave's mom, Dorothy, presents the Top Ten Letterman Family Mother's Day Traditions. ••• Jodie Foster plugs The Beaver. She's a very smart woman, and a great guest. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Dreesen plugs his one-man show, "An Evening of Laughter and Memories of Sinatra." ••• Neon Trees sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/06/11 [3487]: monologue: "Cinco de Mayo, and you know the Mexicans celebrate Cinco de Mayo, and the Americans now celebrate Uno de Mayo. Uno de Mayo. That's the day we got bin Laden!" ••• monologue: "Everyone has Thor fever. Today Charlie Sheen got hammered." ••• Fast Five is a new movie with Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto, who drives cars really fast. This is the fifth movie in the series, and more sequels are planned. / video:

(movie clips)

(voice-over): "If you loved The Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift and Fast & Furious, catch Fast Five. And don't miss the upcoming sequels, Fasterer and Furiouser, Fastestest & Furiousest and Furiouser Fast Fastiest Tokyl Fat Fizzy Fasty Fast Fast... Fast. Coming soon."

••• Katie Couric is leaving the anchor desk of the CBS Evening News. Dave's watched her a few times recently, and between you and me, he says, "It's time." There were signs. / video: Dave takes us back to a phony Late Show gag from 4/05/11, with Katie smoking a cigarette and pouring some Jagermeister. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights •••
We go outside to 53rd Street to meet Brian Miser from Peru, Indiana. He's with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. He's known as the Human Fuse. Brian's going to be set on fire and catapulted down 53rd St. at 65 MPH, with no helmet, no knee pads... not even ear plugs! OK... he is wearing his Carbonex jumpsuit. The catapult's called the crossbow. He has two babes in ridiculous-looking orange flame suits, dancing and squirming around like idiots. Brian's been shot out of a cannon 6,000 times, and has been shot by the crossbow 140 times. We'll come back to Brian shortly.
••• Top Ten "Thor" Spoilers ••• Brian Miser does his flaming catapult stunt, landing squarely on an airbag downrange. He moseys over to the girls (and four other guys), who hose him down with fire extinguishers. Is Sweeps Month great, or what?! ••• Dave Johnson, announcer for the Kentucky Derby, is on the phone to reprise his "and down the stretch they come!" It's one of Dave's favorite Late Show traditions, and Dave Johnson once again blows the roof off the dump. He first phoned in his signature phrase on the Late Show on 5/07/01. ••• Our old friend Bill Murray, Dave's first and last guest on Late Night, and his first guest on the Late Show, is back to plug Passion Play. Bill always comes with material, and in honor of the Kentucky Derby tomorrow, he's outfitted from head to toe as a jockey. Bill has mint juleps for Dave and himself, too. Before long, Bill rides a mechanical bull (which he'd like us to believe is a racehorse). After a nice, long ride around the track, Bill gets bucked off. Then Bill has an FX clip of him upstaging Prince William and Kate Middleton just after their wedding last weekend. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Before turning Bill loose, Dave takes the opportunity to thank him for presenting him The Johnny Carson Award for Comedic Excellence at the first The Comedy Awards in February. ••• BROTHER UK sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/09/11 [3488]: Word came today that Hasidic newspaper Der Zeitung Photoshopped Hillary Clinton out of the May 1 picture of the Situation Room during Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden's extermination mission. And this past weekend we had the Kentucky Derby, so what better occasion for another Photoshopped picture? / We see a horse in the Situation Room in place of Hillary, and there are mint juleps all around. ••• For the fifth time, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa instead of Osama bin Laden's dump. To his credit, he did skip an episode last week! ••• There's a picture from inside Osama's squalid living room in Pakistan that's circulating all over. He's watching himself on TV. When the Navy Seals raided the place, they also found another item of interest. We'll file this under "Odd Osama." / video:

(the late Osama): "Faithful followers: I'm proud to announce that al Qaeda now has green screen technology. Check it out. I'm at the Grand Canyon! I'm at Home Depot! Now I'm with Han Solo and Chewy. Howdy! I'm at Dollywood. Here's my five-day forecast."
••• People wonder how Osama (now a seafaring carcass) had such a dark beard at the age of 54. Dave has the answer. / photo: a Just for Maniacs® Moustache, Beard & Sideburns dye package ••• monologue (re Osama): "He'd been livin' in the compound, cooped up with all of his wives for five years. When the Navy Seals came in he said, 'Just shoot me! Just shoot me!' " ••• There's nobody cooler than President Obama. He never breaks a sweat. He's just gettin' things done. The night before the extermination of Osama, he hosted the correspondents' dinner in Washington. You can see signs that something was up. / video: The president, while at a podium, is passing out assault rifles, and before long, he fires a shotgun. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Belgium is closed!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave reminds us that he's boycotting the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame until the CBSO members are either inducted or vaccinated.

  2. He's also boycotting the Indian Point nuclear power plant (built on two fault lines). Dave's been invited for a tour. RSVP No!

  3. Dave's had a cold for a week, and he's sick and tired of being asked if he has allergies! Leave him alone!

  4. Dave's pal at the State Department gave him a number that had been in Osama's pocket. He places a call on the 1972 phone. Why do we hear ringing in the studio? That's right. It's Paul Shaffer on the other end. Very disturbing.
••• Top Ten Reasons Meredith Vieira Is Leaving the Today Show ••• Albert Brooks promotes his novel, Twenty Thirty: The Real Story of What Happens in America. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kristen Wiig plugs Saturday Night Live and her new movie, Bridesmaids. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Osama's Derek Jeter's mansion

5/10/11 [3489]: The Navy Seals recovered video of His Majesty Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden watching himself on TV in the family room of his rat hole in Pakistan. Well, tonight we're going to have a lot of fun pretending that Osama's watching the Late Show in his cell in Hell, making smartass remarks. / "Late Show Hell Cam" / video:

(title graphic)

(Osama watching Dave): "Oh, these jokes. The only thing worse than sitting in Hell is sitting in Letterman's audience!"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• "Late Show Hell Cam" / video:
(title graphic)

(Osama watching Dave): "One more lame joke like that, I'm putting on The George Gomez Show. Watching this makes me wish I was The Blind Sheikh." (Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman)

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• "The Interrogation of Osama bin Laden's Wives" / video:

(title graphic and theme)

(scene from the show): This is a The Newlywed Game spoof, with Bob Eubanks as master of ceremonies. His panel is Osama's wives, fashionably outfitted in their burkas or burqas, or however you choose to spell it.

(Bob Eubanks): "Where, specifically, is the weirdest place you have ever gotten the urge to make whoopie?"

(wife # ): "In the        . (censored)

(title graphic) ••• It's another "Late Show Hell Cam." / video:

(title graphic)

(Osama watching Dave): "Bring out NCIS star Mark Harmon already! I used to love shows about Navy guys, until one of them killed me."

(Anton Fig): rim shot

(Dave): "Live from Hell, it's Tuesday Night."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave tells us that he and Regina were out goofing around in New York City last night, walking down a sidewalk, when a car pulled over by them. A blonde woman was all excited to see our favorite big-time celebrity, and just had to take cell phone pictures. She wanted to put the pictures on her blog. She wasn't wearing shoes! And who was this starstruck woman? Martha Stewart!
••• Mary Hart is leaving Entertainment Tonight on Friday, and she presents the Top Ten Things Mary Hart Has Learned in 29 Years Hosting "Entertainment Tonight." / #8: Most of our celebrities have been to prison. #4: Tom Hanks is a total loser. / Green Room cam: Hey! Tom Hanks is right here! He's not pleased. ••• Mark Harmon plugs NCIS. ••• "Is This Anything?" /
Alan Kalter tells us that tonight's celebrity panelist is George Stephanopoulos of Good Morning America, former presidential adviser and Rhodes Scholar. / The scrim rises. A young gentleman, attired as a bumblebee, plays Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee" on a xylophone. Dave goes first. He wonders where the dude's going to get work. His advice: lose the bumblebee outfit. Eventually Dave gives a qualified yes. Paul begins by saying the performance was a bit pitchy, but he liked it enough to award a yes. George liked the bumblebee antenna, but nothing else.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bear ecologist Chris Morgan promotes his upcoming Bears of the Last Frontier. Chris had a chance encounter with bears at a summer camp as a young man, and was instantly fascinated with them. (That reminds me of the first time I saw supermodel Alessandra Ambrósio of Victoria's Secret®.) Chris has a very good track record of hanging around just steps away from very hungry bears. We wish him continued good luck with that! ••• Hugo sings. ••• with credits: Osama watching Dave ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/11/11 [3490]: The Navy Seals recovered video of His Majesty Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden watching himself on TV in the family room of his rat hole in Pakistan, when they dropped by on Uno de Mayo. We're having big fun this week pretending that Osama's watching the Late Show in his cell in Hell. / "Late Show Hell Cam"

(Osama watching Dave, with the flames of perdition just to his left): "Oh, these jokes! I should have recruited this guy for al Qaeda, because he really knows how to bomb!"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• Dave's having so much fun with this one. For the sixth day he shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa, claiming that it's Osama's compound. (You know you've made it in life when your house is called a compound.) ••• after a couple more jokes: Whoops! There's Jeter's place again! ••• monologue:
"Oh, ladies and gentlemen, sad news. Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger... looks like they may be divorcing. Former governor of California. Yup. Yup. Apparently... and I don't want to be the one that brings the bad news and makes it even worse, but Arnold, they think was dating another woman. He was seeing Jane Goodall. But Maria will get the house in Malibu, and Arnold will be moving back to a primate sanctuary in Florida. Going back to his original place in Skull Island."
••• Shecky's found us a clip of Arnold having lunch with his divorce attorney. / video: Arnold gets all seductive with a hot, young thing as he inserts and removes a carrot stick from her lips. ••• desk chat: Dave will be interviewing Chaz Bono shortly. Knowing he'll shortly be interviewing Chaz about his gender change, Dave's reminded of Merrill Markoe's phrase, "dumb guys in action." ••• Thor opened a few days ago, and the trailer's a blockbuster. / video:
(tons of action scenes)

(voice-over): "On May 6, the summer's biggest 3-D adventure begins, when Thor, the Norse god of thunder, is betrayed."

(character): "You are a vain, greedy, cruel boy."


(character): "I cast you out!"

(voice-over): "He is banished to the most depressing place on earth."

(footage from 1697 Broadway, NYC): Chris Hemsworth looks up at the Late Show marquee and says, "Letterman? Aw, givl me!"

(voice-over): "Thor: Now playing."

••• Top Ten Questions on the Application to Replace Osama bin Laden ••• Chaz Bono is the subject of a new documentary, Becoming Chaz, and the author of Transition: The Story of How I Became a Man. Dave conducts a respectful and interesting interview with Chaz on his gender identity. It was very well done (so it's unlikely that Cher will call Dave an ***hole again). Chaz was extremely candid about a personal and sensitive topic, and the interview will help some people. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave has set aside some air time for Big Red, who introduces us to Alan Kalter's Adopt-A-Goat Program. It goes something like this:
(Alan, with a little goat): "Thank you, Dave. Thank you. I'd like to introduce my little buddy here. This is Lenny the goat. Now, Lenny's not just a TV star. He's also the star of the Alan Kalter Adopt-A-Goat Program. Right now, all across America, hundreds of unwanted goats are looking for homes. Since 1998 we've taken nearly 2,000 goats off the streets, and placed them with wonderful adoptive families. Many of these goats have gone on to great success in show business or the arts, and finance and education... you name it! Is there room in your home and your heart for a needy goat? Call the Alan Kalter Adopt-A-Goat Program today."

(Lenny): "Baaaa."

(Alan): "You said it, Lenny! Hey... good goat! Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): stunned silence

••• Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs sing. ••• Alan Kalter (smelling of goat) says good night.

5/12/11 [3491]: Tonight's audience shout out goes to a dude who's apparently escaped from Indiana University. Dave works him over pretty good over the course of an hour. ••• While in Pakistan on the extermination mission for His Majesty Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, Navy seals found video of him watching himself on TV in the family room. / "Hell Cam"

(Osama watching Dave, with the flames of perdition just to his left): "Oh, these jokes! The only thing worse than the eternity in Hell is an hour in Letterman's audience!"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• Tragically, Osama bin Laden reproduced, and is thought to be the father of 20 to 26 offspring. (Hopefully the apples landed far from the tree.) Anyway, one of his sons (perhaps Omar W. bin Laden) gets to run al Qaeda now. Sharkbait had a fascinating relationship with his son, now documented on Al Jazeera. / video:
(opening shot): Osama and Son Terror, Jihad & Antiques®

(Sanford and Son theme song)

(Act 1 of 1): Osama's in front of the store, in a rocking chair. A Navy Seal pops in out of nowhere, taking aim at his face. Osama's eyes open wide with fright.

(Redd Foxx, as Osama): "Oh, this is the big one. I'm comin' to Georgia!"

(Navy Seal): Bang! He's dead.

(closing theme)

••• "Hell Cam"
(Osama's watching Dave, with the flames of perdition just to his left): "Are you kidding me? This is bad. This is Katherine Heigl movie bad!"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• Satellite surveillance is unbelievable. For the seventh day, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa, claiming that it's Osama's rat hole. This gets funnier with every repeat! ••• Once again, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's house. ••• People were upset at the annual White House Poetry Night yesterday, which brings us to "Presidents and Poets: A look back."
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "In 1991, George and Barbara Bush invited their favorite poet to perform at the Kennedy Center."

(clip): Andrew Dice Clay, working blue

(clip): George and Barbara, suitably embarrassed

(voice-over): "You've been watching 'Presidents and Poets: A look back.' "

••• "Hell Cam"
(Osama's watching Dave, with the flames of perdition just to his left): "Enough of this suckfest!"

(clip): George Lopez, maybe

(Osama): "Oh! This is even worse!"

(clip of a Leno monologue): "Ahh! I really am in Hell!"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave claims that he went to Indiana University. Of course, that's because the CBSO played there.

  2. Oprah's leaving her show I've never watched. Dave likens this to the retirement of Johnny Carson.
••• "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts"
Oprah's guest was Barbra Streisand in the chosen episode. The segment starts well. It gets better. This transcript gives Pat Farmer endless "woo hoos" and "mmm mmm mmms." All of Pat's grunting, Kenny Sheehan hearing his own super-deep voice as Barbra and lots of giggling from the audience gives Kenny an incurable case of church laughter. All he can do is look down, hoping we don't notice. The harder he tries to play it cool, the worse it gets. It doesn't help that Kenny has to sing as Barbra. Pat won't stop grunting and woohooing. Dave really, really likes this one!
••• Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary ••• "Stupid Human Tricks"
  1. Alan Tate is "The Human Alarm." He turns out a very respectable digital alarm clock alarm... loud enough to wake Osama bin Laden. His favorite subject as a 16-year-old high school student is free period / lunch.

  2. Corey Rich from Phoenixville, Pennsylvania teaches basketball to kids. He dribbles six basketballs at once. The do-over goes better than the first try.

  3. Michael Kauffman and Tad Stromer from Glasford and Canton, Illinois team up to show us "The Human Helicopter." Michael picks up Tad and starts twirling him around, lowers him to his noggin and spins him around for a couple of turns. It goes pretty great! I see male pattern baldness in Michael's future.
••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory and his new play, The Normal Heart, now at the Golden Theatre, 252 W. 45th Street. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Jim Parsons ••• The Manchester Orchestra with the Brooklyn Youth Choir ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/13/11 [3492]: Alan Kalter, for unknown reasons, decides to voice over the opening montage with Dave Letterman's Cavalcade of Fun. "Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra" becomes "Paul Shaffer and the Cavalcade." ••• During previews, every time the Broadway play Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was performed, an audience member was killed. (There's no such thing as bad press, right?) The problems seem to be worked out now. We go live to the Foxwoods Theatre, which Dave misnames. In a split second, the entire facility neatly collapses and falls straight down to China. That's much better! ••• "The al Qaeda Files" /

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "May 25th, 2011: The al Qaeda company picnic will include a bouncy castle."

(animation): A gentleman in tradition Arab garb jumps up and down in the castle, while video game Arabian music plays.

(voice-over): "This has been 'The al Qaeda Files.' "

••• Dave wants to show us a digitally-enhanced satellite photo of the bin Laden compound in Pakistan. Yes, you guessed it. For the eighth day, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa. Some jokes get better with age, don't they? We have the mostest fun at the Late Show! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. There's no better music on Broadway than Paul Shaffer's Cavalcade.

  2. Before the show, Dave had a heartfelt visit with the audience, to learn if there were any issues someone would like to discuss. Maybe there are family problems, or trouble with a rental car. Maybe the maid walked in on you at the hotel. If anyone had troubles, Dave wasn't going to do the show. Nope. Everyone's in a great mood. (The audience applaud loudly.) Dave says, "Well, clearly they were lying, and now they're being sarcastic."
••• "Small Town News"
  • Stewartville Satellite, Stewartville, Minnesota: ad for a local bar: "FREE BEER 5 - 6 pm EVERYDAY --- Limit 60 per person." Dave does his drunk guy imitation, "What is this? I only had 40. I might as well move to Libya!"
  • Olympian, Olympia, Washington: religion news: "The New American Bible, Revised Edition, will be available starting on Ash Wednesday, which falls this year on Wednesday."
  • Current in Fishers, Carmel, Indiana: hockey report: "On Feb. 26 (?), the team took home the Hoosier something something trophy." (Is there a more-coveted trophy in all of sports?)
  • Times-Courier, Charleston, Illinois: classified ad: "1988 CADILLAC HEARSE Funeral Car, 53,000 miles, LOADED" (Loaded with a corpse?, we wonder.)
  • Unterrified Democrat, Linn, Missouri: headline: "Commissioners reverse reversal of reversal on two-week pay plan
  • Daily Citizen, Beaver, Wisconsin: police blotter: "...police were told of six men fighting at the corner of Main and Hillyer streets. Police were stuck on the wrong side of a passing train, however, and missed the whole thing."
  • skipped!
  • Daily Advertiser, Lafayette, Louisiana: reminder: "SPRING FORWARD    Don't forget to set your clocks back at 2 a.m. Sunday!
  • Sandusky Register, Sandusky, Ohio: "LATEST LINE TRANSACTIONS: Editor's Note: The line wasn't available from the Ass        at presstime on Friday."
••• desk chat:
  1. Dave tells a tale of a haircut earlier today that leaves us all scratching our heads. He had the barber working on places all over his noggin. He wanted short places, long places and uneven places. Dave says, "The guy says, 'Why would you want a haircut like that?' I said, 'Well, that's the one you gave me last time!' "

  2. "By the way," Dave asks, "And I... don't take this the wrong way, but when you read about grooms on their honeymoon on a cruise ship gettin' drunk and fallin' overboard... am I the only one that finds that hilarious?" (pause) " 'Has anyone seen Kevin? We're all supposed to meet for brunch.' "
••• Top Ten Rejected Prom Themes •••
Joan Rivers plugs Fashion Police. She claims that on Friday she asked a flight attendant where her seat was. "It's three inches below where it was last year," the snotty attendant replied! Joan's hosting a suicide dinner tomorrow night. She doesn't know if they're for it or against it. She reminds us that her husband, Edgar, committed suicide 20 years ago. It seems they were making love, and she took the bag off her head. She had Edgar cremated, and in order to visit him every day, she had his ashes sprinkled in Bergdorf Goodman. Joan's 77, and she really hates old people. (Why do they buy things in bulk?)
••• green room cam: Melissa Rivers ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "What's Eddie Brill Wearing?" (We see a shot of Talent Coordinator / audience warm-up guy Eddie Brill, looking slim in a dark suit.) ••• Nick Griffin does stand-up. He has a CD, Bring Out the Monkey. I hope it's better than his work tonight. ••• Okkervil River sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/16/11 [3493]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy in an orange shirt. ••• odd Dave: Dave's mimicking a hardware store paint shaker, after claiming that possible presidential candidate Newt Gingrich looks like he works at Home Depot®. ••• We've begun to see full facial transplants this year. / video:

(operating room scene)

(voice-over): "After years of research, the surgeons at Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital have done the impossible. It is with immense pride that we now introduce the nation's first full-face transplant recipient."

(animation of His Majesty Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden watching himself on TV in his rat hole in Pakistan)

(Osama lookalike): "This is the face you gave me?? Son of a bitch!"

••• Dave wants to show us a digitally-enhanced satellite photo of the bin Laden compound in Pakistan. Yes, you guessed it. For the ninth day, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa. ••• Ashton Kutcher has been cast as the replacement for Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men. We see a reprise from 2/03/11 of a dump truck belonging to Metro Cocaine® of Hollywood backing up to his yard, tipping the bed and depositing a veritable mountain of a white, powdery, addictive-looking substance on Ashton's lawn. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave watched Martin Scorcese's The Last Waltz over the weekend, and one of the horn guys was the CBSO's Tom "Bones" Malone!

  2. Will Lee has organized a concert to benefit Japan's earthquake recovery efforts. It's tomorrow night at SIR Stage 37, 508 W. 37th St. Go to www.willlee.com to get tickets. Will's The Fab Faux will perform.

  3. This weekend, Dave and Harry were running around with that sweetheart, Sully (snarling mad dog photo). Harry said, "Hey, look Daddy. Sully's taking a dump!" "It makes a man feel proud," Dave replied. Harry then said, "No, it doesn't make a man feel proud. It makes a man feel mighty proud." ••• Whoops. Here we go again. Dave calls for a photo of Osama's former residence. (I think we're all aware by now that he "lives" in Hell.) Nope. It's Derek Jeter's place. Anyway, the Navy Seals found pornography in his hideaway. Animation: It's the Arab man milking a camel (with a catchy porno soundtrack).
••• Christina Aguilera presents the Top Ten Tips for Aspiring Singers. ••• Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife on CBS. ••• "German Gilligan" /
(A gentleman wearing Gilligan's signature red shirt enters.)

(Dave): "Thank you very much. German Gilligan, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so very much for being with us tonight, German Gilligan."

(German Gilligan, in German): Thank you very much, Skipper. I just saw Mr. and Mrs. Howell in the lagoon, vigorously fulfilling their marital duties."

(Dave): "Well, that's great, but you know, I don't speak German, but it sure sounds like you're in a great mood, so that's good."

(German Gilligan, in German): "Mr. Howell perished from the exertion, and a comical monkey ran off with his carcass. Yet I envy him, as death is the only escape from the existential hell this island represents."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Well, you know... I could listen to you talk all day, but how about you sing your famous theme song for us, German Gilligan?"

(German Gilligan): sings in German and marches off the stage

(Dave): "Oh, man. There are so many things wrong with that! We'll be right back with Andy Cohen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Andy Cohen of Watch What Happens Live ••• White Lies sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/17/11 [3494]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gentleman from Vancouver, British Columbia. During the pre-show visit, he asked a question Dave couldn't completely understand. Later, Eddie Brill reported that he asked if Dave owned a clock radio. ••• interruption: Why is there a carrot on the boom microphone? Dave asks audio guy Al Norwood that pressing question. Al explains, "The boom microphone broke, so I had to come up with somethin' pronto! Good thinkin', huh?" Dave is very impressed. ••• Bernie Madoff is in prison for 200 400 years. They're auctioning lots of his stuff, including his wine. For example, Dave shows a bottle of Ernest & Julio Ponzi Chardonnay. ••• Donald Trump's not running for president, and Dave's looking forward to not voting for him. / "Reasons Donald Trump Would Have Made a Good President"

(title graphic)

(voice-over): He always conducts himself with an air of statesmanlike dignity."

(clip from Wrestlemania 23): Donald tackles and pummels Vince McMahon!

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Reasons Donald Trump Would Have Made a Good President.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. From underneath a black cloth, Dave produces a 20th Century clock radio. As he starts to set down the antique, sparks fly three times. The power cord has probably gotten brittle, and Dave barely escapes electrocution. Later, Dave calls for tightening the U.S. / Canadian border.

  2. Dave, our TV pal, doesn't understand the nation's current financial crisis. China has all the money. We hit the debt ceiling (whatever that means) yesterday. Look at this from the President of the United States:
    (Barack Obama and video trickery): "This week, I laid out my plan for our fiscal future. It's a balanced plan that reduces spending, and breaks down the deficit, ..."

    (As the president speaks, we see employees of Repo World collecting furniture from behind him.)

    (Obama): "putting America back on track. We know why this challenge is so critical. The rising tide of borrowing will damage our economy."

    (Goodness! One of them just repossessed the president's tie!)

••• into commercial: We see the offending clock radio by Dave's desk. It seems to have extra wires coming from it. I think one of crew rigged something to spark on cue. ••• Mr. Show Business, Martin Short, makes one of his awesome Sweeps month visits, and treats us to his original musical tribute to Osama bin Laden's carcass, "Bastard in the Sand." (There was an odd moment during his performance. Perodically during the song we see Martin's hands, playing the piano, from above. There are no rings on his fingers. One time, however, there are three very noticeable rings, the hands appear female, and we see nail polish.) The song, with the Singing Seals, goes something like this:
Goodbye, al Qaeda's rose
Your beard never seemed too clean to me
So I'm glad they washed you off
Before they dumped you in the sea

In the afterlife
Six dozen virgins sure sounded swell
So it must have burned your ass
when you ended up in Hell.

It seems to me you lived your life
Like a bastard in the sand
Never knowing when the U.S. Navy Seals would land

Caught you by surprise inside your secret base
Could have shot you anywhere...
But why not in the face?

Goodbye, al Qaeda's rose
To the world you are mad
And to your kids and 22 wives
You were also a deadbeat dad

Million-dollar bounty placed on your head
You were wanted dead or alive...
But in the end, we went with dead!

It seems to me you lived your life
Like an ass        in the sand.
Getting whacked in an attack
In rural Pakistan.

You reached the lowest limits
Of the human race
Could have shot you anywhere
How 'bout in the face?

Had the chance to shoot you anywhere
So we shot you in the face!

••• Melissa McCarthy plugs Bridesmaids. ••• Tinie Tempah sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/18/11 [3495]: Oprah taped her final show today, after 25 years. How will we make it in the future without America's treasure? Thankfully the new program, "Just Oprah's Audience," will ease our pain. / video:

(sappy music, and Oprah onstage at some ceremony, thinking she's the best person ever)

(female voice-over): "After 25 years, Oprah Winfrey is saying goodbye. But starting this fall the excitement is back, with a new show, Just Oprah's Audience.

(clips of crazed females acting like they've just won 125 billion dollars)

(female voice-over): " 'Just Oprah's Audience.' Check your local listings."

••• Donald Trump's not running for president. Oh... whatever. (He's not going to be on the Late Show in the near future, either, but that's a different story.) Donald does have a new project underway. / photo: Trump Abbottabad, in the tropical paradise of Pakistan ••• monologue: Since Osama bin Laden kicked the bucket the other day, Dave says, "Here's fascinating news. Al Qaeda has a new leader, and experts are calling him a temporary leader (and so is Seal Team Six). His name is Saif Al-Adel, Saif Al-Adel, and really quite a success story for this guy. He worked his way up from the mail bomb room." To keep up with the latest information, the Late Show has put together "Get to Know the Interim Leader of Al Qaeda." / video:
(title graphic and peppy Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "Interim al Qaeda leader, Saif al-Adel, is a former colonel in the Egyptian Special Forces. He is 51 years old, and recently moved to a safe house..."

(clip): massive missile explosion at al-Adel's place

(voice-over): "Interim al Qaeda leader, Adnan Shukrijumah, is currently working to secure black market nuclear material from his compound near..."

(clip): massive missile explosion at Shukrijumah's place

(voice-over): "Interim al Qaeda leader..."

(photo): Ayman al-Zawahiri

(voice-over): "New..."

(clip): the most humongous explosion of all

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Interim Leader of Al Qaeda.' "

••• desk chat:
  1. You know how stuff will get on you and grind on you, and your think you head's gonna explode? Dave's spent the last 12 to 15 years kissing up to Oprah. He wanted to be in her magazine. He wanted to be in her whole deal. Now she's planned a big gala in Chicago, and Dave's not invited. There will be no basking in the glory of Oprah for Dave, and he's laboring with a broken heart.

  2. This is when the networks, CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox (ha ha ha ha ha ha) bring in advertisers to show them their great fall season shows. All this happened right in the middle of the Charlie Sheen stuff, and they didn't know what was going to happen with that atomic bomb in a pinball machine, Charlie Sheen. So Les Moonves called up and said he wanted to open a presentation in Carnegie Hall with a bang... really get people feeling great. Paul and Steve Martin agreed to be in a thing with Dave. / pretape:
    (Paul, Dave and Steve, all in tuxedos, are gathered around Paul's piano.)

    (song): "It's gonna be a great big season..." (over and over, practicing to get it just right)

    (Les Moonves, walking through): "Guys, your number's cut."

    (Steve): "Cut? Cut? I haven't been cut from a show since 2010!"

    (Steve, looking toward Dave): "You're incompetent!"

    (Dave): "Did you say incompetent?"

    (Steve): "Yes."

    (Dave, reaching for a giant martini on top of the piano): "Thanks."

••• Apparently the Apocalypse has been scheduled for Saturday, May 21 at 9 P.M. Eastern time. / Top Ten Ways to Make the Apocalypse More Fun / #7: Instead of four horsemen, three horsemen and a monkey riding a dog, and #4: Hilarious slide whistle sound effect when the righteous ascend to Heaven ••• Keith Olbermann of Current TV (We think he's a Democrat.) ••• Julie Bowen plugs Modern Family. She's one of the world's greatest beauties. It's hard to believe it has been 10 years since she starred on Ed, another quality Worldwide Pants production. ••• Ben Harper sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/19/11 [3496]: The Rapture is predicted to occur on Saturday, May 21 at 9 P.M. Eastern time, so tonight we consider "Things We'll Miss About Being Alive." / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Cheese fries."

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "Katie Couric is being replaced by..."

It's Sweeps month, and here's an exciting new feature. We know that Dave loves to repeat his blockbuster jokes and references. Since the references are all equally hilarious and awesome, the Late Show built a gadget to automate the references for the writers.

Late Show Reference Wheel

(back to the monologue): The Late Show Reference Wheel spins and says "Charlie Sheen." ••• "Newt Gingrich Update" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay news theme)

(voice-over): "At a campaign stop in Iowa today, Newt was furiously pecked by a wild ostrich."

(animation): wild ostrich pecks Newt's noggin

(voice-over): "Hang in there, Newt."

••• monologue:
"Dick Cheney (you all know Dick "Kaboom" Cheney) has just published a memoir... stories of his life, and it's in its third printing already. The first two were peppered with buckshot. On the cover is a beautiful shot of Dick Cheney torturing a, uh... let's go to the Reference Wheel and see what Dick Cheney was torturing. Dick Cheney was torturing a... Donald Trump!"
••• monologue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, listen to this. Forbes magazine released its annual list of most powerful people in the world, and you know who was number one? Most powerful person? Lady Gaga! Yeah! How about that?! I was supposed to be on the list of most powerful people, but at the last minute I was replaced by... let's go to the Reference Wheel!" (The wheel spins.) "A Squirrel Rubbing Purell on His Nuts!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Answer to the Late Show Trivia Question": Goose Gossage, when he played for the Padres. ••• desk chat: Dave says he has a stain on his tie. He reaches for a miracle cleaning product. It doesn't help. It leaves round marks on his tie. What to do? Paul checks on a frustrated Dave. "What Would Chris Rock Do?" / video:
(title graphic and rock theme)

(Chris): "I'd hit that         with a stain stick, and wash that         on Gentle."

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Chapter Titles in Dick Cheney's Memoir ••• Kelly Ripa ••• Joe Grossman comes out. He auditioned on Live, and he has a clip. Dave thought it was a pathetic performance, and gives him the boot. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jennifer Lawrence plugs X-Men: First Class. ••• The cast of Broadway's How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying perform a number. Daniel Radcliffe and John Laroquette star. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/20/11 [3497]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Elwood, Australia. Dave will get plenty of mileage from this tonight. ••• Dave wants to show us a digitally-enhanced satellite photo of the bin Laden compound in Pakistan, and for the tenth day, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa. ••• monologue and odd Dave: There's a new Johnny Depp pirate movie out. Dave wants to be the toothless guy who says "Hello, Guv'nor." He repeats his new catch phrase a few times for good measure. Seriously, the movie's going to be a great hit. It's rated "Arrrr." ••• animation: Donald Trump's hair rears back and growls. ••• New York City has been declared the top destination for gay tourists. / video:

(shots of Midtown Manhattan)

(voice-over): "Congratulations to New York City on being named the top destination for gay tourists. New York has been chosen for their selection of bars and restaurants, variety of musical theater and their gay-friendly talk shows."

(clip): Dave just barely (and ever so reluctantly) kissing Albert Brooks on 5/09/11

(voice-over): "Congratulations, New York!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: God bless Cue Card Technician extraordinaire Tony Mendez, who tripped earlier today and skinned up his right knee. We see a close-up. He has no Band-Aid® on it, for goodness sakes! Dave asks, "When you went down, did you press your MedicAlert® button?" "I'm going to sue the        out of you," Tony replies. Dave thinks Tony's just joking. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Daily News, Iron Mountain, Michigan: "LOST: COCKATIEL Often whistles the Andy Griffith theme song."
  • Marin Independent Journal, Novato, California: "A 24-year-old Oakland man is under arrest after authorities say he stole a car to make a court appearance on an auto theft charge."
  • Nutley Sun, Nutley, New Jersey: "New Doctor on Staff" (nowhere to be seen in the photo from his office)
  • Star-Press, Muncie, Indiana: "Husband crashes into house in alleged attempt to kill wife. David E. Monroe allegedly told his wife Carolyn to sit in a living room chair near the picture window. I'll be right back." (photo of a pick-up that's crashed through the outside of the house)
  • Evening News, Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan: "PERSONAL: Looking for a Female Companion to help my friend take care of his Draft Horse and Small Farm... Must disappear when other female companions show up."
  • advertising postcard sent to a family in Kemp, Texas: "You're invited... Eubank Cedar Creek Funeral Home Family Day" (photo of smiling members of a young family without a care, or a dead relative, in the world)
  • County Shopper, Hillsboro, Ohio: "Sign up to win door prizes & semen available!"
  • The Repository, Canton, Ohio: (story about winter weather): "The forecast calls for little snot through the weekend." (Why would a publisher choose a name that sounds like suppository?)
  • Geauga Times Courier, Chagrin Falls, Ohio: "Soup blamed in fight. The Altercation occurred after the suspect saw a woman making soup for a friend. Boots and a dog were thrown..."
  • Times-Herald Record, Middletown, New York: "Happy Mother's Day. Give the gift that lasts a lifetime: No Scalpel Vasectomy."
••• Top Ten Things I, Dave, Need to Do Before the End of the World ••• Tracy Morgan (new used kidney owner) / shot of Tracy's girlfriend, Megan Wollover, in the green room ••• interruptions: Why is it Slow Dance Time at the back of the stage? Paul Shaffer's DJing a prom to make a little extra money. He claims he does special events all the time. For example, right there by Alan Kalter's perch, a Bar Mitzvah is underway. (with Todd Seda) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up in his 40th appearance with Dave. ••• The Airborne Toxic Event sing. Dave announces that they'll do a song just for the audience, after the taping. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/23/11 [3498]: CNN has announced a replacement for famous carcass Osama bin Laden. / video:

(voice-over): "An Egyptian named Saif al-Adel has been named the new interim leader of al Qaeda."

(clip): terrorist training camp

(voice-over): "The announcement was made at the annual al Qaeda upfronts, ..."

(photo): Radio City Music Hall

(voice-over): "... where the struggling network's chairman, Jeff Zucker, announced a promising new slate of terror plots, and a 13-episode pick-up for the Paul Reiser Show."

(clip): Paul Reiser

(voice-over): "Paul Benson, CNN, New York."

••• interruption: Dave tries repeatedly to tell one of his squirrel jokes. He gets as far as, "I saw a squirrel put a..." and the censor tone gets him every time. Eventually he wonders aloud, "Is the audio guy up there? Tom, what's goin' on?" Cut to a scowling Tom Herrmann at his mixing board, who explains, "I just couldn't listen to another        squirrel nuts joke." Now Tom's censored, too, including blurred lips for the mother-of-all-cuss words. ••• Newt Gingrich is running for president. It seems that back about five years ago, Newt owed between ¼ and ½ million dollars to Tiffany's on Fifth Avenue. / Face the Nation video:

(title graphic)

(Bob Schieffer): "Did you owe a half million dollars to a jewelry company at one point?"

(Newt, adorned with a humongous crown and diamond necklace): "We had a revolving fund."

(Bob): "Well, what does that mean?"

(Newt): "It means we had a revolving fund. That... (stuttering a bit)..."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. There's a guy from Arkansas in the audience. Dave speaks Arkansawyer for a moment. The gent wanted to know if Harry's playing ball. Yes, he is. He played tee ball (the most exciting six hours in sports) for a time. "It's like a Mexican fire drill." Now Harry's in coach pitch ball, with Dave coaching third base. Over the weekend, the bases were loaded, and Dave had the kids running on an infield fly. (It was a bit risky with no outs.) The manager came over and had a talk with him.

  2. Was anyone disappointed when the world didn't end over the weekend? "It's like you wake up on New Year's Day and there's no Rose Bowl Parade." Anyway, an official explanation has been released. / "Why the Apocalypse Didn't Happen"
    (title graphic)

    (voice-over): "God canceled plans to bring the righteous up to Heaven, because everyone is too fat."

    (animation): A fat guy, in a beam of Heavenly light, gets partway up there. We hear creaking sounds. Oops. Crunch. The righteous man falls to the ground with a grunt.

    (voice-over): "We apologize for the inconvenience."

••• interruption: Dave opens the Top Ten, and a man in the audience starts hollering at Dave to get his attention. He's loud. He wants prizes. "Ladies and gentlemen, let me just clear up one thing. Being here is its own reward." The guy tries for a lawnmower, to no avail. Then he goes for one of Tom "Bones" Malone's trombones. Dave says OK. "You da man," the guy informs Dave, as he exits the back of the theater. Thank goodness Tom got to keep that thing he shakes. ••• Top Ten Harold Camping Excuses ••• Lady Gaga makes her first appearance on the Late Show. I know it's Sweeps and she's a hot topic these days (with 10,349,288 Twitter followers), but I'm not interested in seeing this freak on my perfectly good TV, whether she's won five Grammys or not. There must be quite a craze over her, as there's an extra-long crowd control fence all along 53rd Street today, but I'm not engaged by her Halloween outfits. So there! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Late Show Summer Preview": "June, July, August." ••• Eric Stonestreet plugs the season finale Modern Family. He's an alumnus of my school, Kansas State. ••• The Vaccines sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Lady Gaga, leaning out of her limousine on 53rd St.

5/24/11 [3499]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a young man from Vancouver. He's a marine biologist who's spending his life thinking about salmon. ••• interruption: Dave's trying to entertain North America with a joke about The Donald. His image freezes. What to do? Dave checks with videotape man Tom Catusi, who says, "I just couldn't watch you tell another        Trump hair joke." Tom gets blurred lips for uttering the mother-of-all-cuss words. ••• Harold Egbert Camping is a geezer from California who's president of Family Radio, and the culprit behind the end-of-the-world prediction for Saturday. Every time he blows the date, he makes up a new one. We have a clip.

(Harold Camping): "... the end of the world being October 21 in 2011. October 21."

(divine intervention): Camping is instantly incinerated, leaving a fine leather chair in flames.

••• Last night the Texas Rangers and the White Sox were playing, and former Rangers owner, George W. Bush, was in a box down low. A pop foul almost hit the president. Thank God he still has his shoe-ducking abilities. / clip from 12/14/08 of the president ducking a couple of airborne shoes during a speech in Baghdad ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and the answer to "Tonight's Late Show Trivia Question": Goose Gossage, when he was with the Cubs ••• desk chat:
Dave has more on the marine biologist from Vancouver. He's happy to have something to talk about during the show, and is especially delighted to have a foreigner to make fun of. And a salmon expert!? Dave says this is as exciting as when the Chilean miners got to return to the surface of the earth. Anyway, the biologist reports that the salmon are getting bigger. Hmm. Dave was hoping for radioactive.
••• The president of the United States was messing around in Ireland yesterday, when one of his big, long cars high centered and got stuck. (Is that redundant?) This brings us to the Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Barack Obama's Mind at This Moment. ••• Ewan McGregor, a.k.a. Obi-Wan Kenobi, plugs Beginners. ••• desk chat: Dave's happy to report that Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing will have two drivers in the 100th Indianapolis 500 on Sunday: Bertrand Baguette and Jay Howard. To add to the excitement, writer Joe Grossman (tonight as Joe Grozzman) has "Indianapolis 500 Preview with Joe Grozzman." /
(shot of Joe in his office upstairs)

(Dave): "So... here now with a preview of this year's sure-to-be-exciting race, one of our writers, the lovable Joe Grozzman. Joe, come on out."

(title graphic)

(Dave): "Joe, thank you very much for helping us out here tonight, and anytime you're ready, take it away. The Indianapolis 500 preview."

(Joe): "Like many people, I thought the world was ending on Saturday, so I didn't prepare a joke for this piece."

(Dave): "Mmm. Mmm. Uh, I wonder if maybe you could come up with a joke right now?"

(Joe): "OK."

(Joe sits there for a while, looking around the room. He doesn't produce a joke, but we all appreciated getting to see the creative process at work.)

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan Kalter needs a black market kidney ••• Scott Pelley of 60 Minutes, and newly-appointed anchor of the CBS Evening News, makes his first visit to the Late Show. ••• Brad Paisley and Alabama sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/25/11 [3500]: monologue: "Sad news... Oprah Winfrey... last show, earlier today. I mean... yeah. I had a good cry with my girls from the book club. On her last show, if you didn't see it, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse." ••• monologue: "Ladies and gentlemen, let me ask you a question. Do you like historic dates in television? OK. I've got a good one for you. On this day... on this very day in 1992, Jay Leno took over the Tonight Show... and it wouldn't be the last time. Nineteen years! It's crazy! Boy, time flies when you're ruthless." ••• The president of the United States was in Ireland yesterday, when one of his big, long cars high centered. / video: Right before our eyes, that Cadillac becomes a transformer and walks away. ••• Then, in London, the president was going to toast the Queen of England, and there was a bit of a gaffe. We remember a mishap on the part of George W. Bush. / "Other Presidential Breaches in Royal Protocol"

(title graphic and trumpet fanfare)

(voice-over): "May 7, 2007: George Bush toasts Queen Elizabeth wearing a royal guard's bearskin hat."

(photo): The thing's so big, it sets on his shoulders.

(FX): We hear the president's muffled voice, echoing in the humongous hat.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Other Presidential Breaches in Royal Protocol.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, the CBSO with U2's "Beautiful Day," and "Late Show Trivia Question" answer: Goose Gossage, when he was with the White Sox ••• desk chat:
Dave doesn't know if there's reason to continue after the end of Oprah's television program. He often awakens and finds himself staring at the floor. Dave recalls his journey to Chicago to be on one of Oprah's final shows. / video:
(video): a theater filled with Oprah's worshippers

(female voice-over): "After 25 years, Oprah is signing off with surprise visits from her most memorable guests, like Tom Cruise, Madonna... and David Letterman."

(clip): Dave in a tuxedo, at some awards show

(clip): weeping women in the audience

(female voice-over): "You won't want to miss it."

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Things I Enjoy About Fleet Week in New York City (presented by members of the Navy, Marines and Coast Guard: Lieutenant Junior Grade Sean Rice, Lieutenant Junior Grade Esther Kim, Lieutenant Jonathan Houlihan, Chief Timothy Armentrout, Chief Donnie Haynes, Staff Sergeant Esty DeKinderin, Corporal Brian Hebert, Aircraft Handling Airman Erin Dixon, Gunnery Sergeant Angel Cruz and Major Rebecca Goodrich-Hinton) ••• Piedmont Bird Callers

3rd Place: Zach Piser, Andrew Moorhead and Tlalli Moya-Smith: Wood Stork

2nd Place: August Grahn, Jeremy Kruger and Andrew Gage: Trumpeter Hornbill

1st Place: Austin Kelley, Caitlyn Baldridge and Theo Quayle: American Coot (Why did Jerry Foley show a photo of a bearded Dave? Hmm.)

••• out of commercial: shot of pigeons (that Dave calls New York City hawks) ••• Kevin Bacon plugs X-Men: First Class. Act 5: a shot of the TTL service men and women on 53rd Street, waving ••• more Kevin Bacon ••• Augustana sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: another look at the picture of a bearded Dave from January 2008, with the caption American Coot (Fulica americana)

5/26/11 [3501]: Katie Couric has completed her tour with the CBS Evening News, but Scott Pelley won't take over until June 6. CBS has some tremendous idea for the transition period. / video:

(clip): Katie at the anchor desk

(voice-over): "Katie Couric has left her job as anchor of the CBS Evening News, and Scott Pelley won't take over until June 6, so in the mean time, join us every night for a classic CBS Evening News rerun."

(slightly doctored footage): Walter Cronkite covers Earth Day 1970 in a humongous afro.

(antique motion graphic): CBS logo

(voice-over): "Only on CBS"

••• Dave says he loves Johnny Depp, whose new movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, opened on May 20. / video:
(video): scenes of piracy

(voice-over): "Captain Jack Sparrow is back. An exciting new quest. Dangerous new adversaries. And fun new shipmates."

(Ted Lange as bartender Isaac Washington): "Did I ever tell you about this swamp land I have for sale?"

(voice-over): "Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Now playing."

••• monologue: It's a flashback of sorts, with Dave making his loon call. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Going into the first commercial break, the announcer, Alan Kalter, typically promotes the lead guest and the Top Ten list, and adds some sort of foolish remark. So look for it! Back in a moment." ••• desk chat: Dave had some friends over for the end of the world (which was billed for 10 o'clock P.M. Eastern), for omelets. So you're sitting there with a pretty good buzz by noon, with a few personal items packed. The group began a philosophical talk about the world, and then aliens. Dave then produces a photo of creepy-looking aliens. First it's a Reptilian. Then it's the Grays. Yup. Pretty creepy. Dave told his friends, "Yeah. You raise a good point, but think for a second how we must look to them." ••• The Oprah Winfrey Show came to an end this week, after 4,500 episodes. / "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts": Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan re-enact a visit from Martha Stewart. ••• Top Ten Surprises in the Final Oprah Show / #1: It was an hour of Oprah counting her money. ••• Ray Romano plugs TNT's Men of a Certain Age. Now that Ray has won the Peabody award, he wonders if he'll be asked to appear on Jeopardy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan would like to review our insurance coverage with us. ••• Reese Waters does stand-up. ••• Arctic Monkeys sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/27/11: REPEAT FROM 5/04/11

5/30/11: REPEAT FROM 3/30/11

5/31/11: REPEAT FROM 4/27/11

6/01/11: REPEAT FROM 5/06/11

6/02/11: REPEAT FROM 4/26/11

6/03/11: REPEAT FROM 4/11/11


6/06/11 [3502]: monologue: "Beautiful day in New York City. It's so nice, the entire staff was in Central Park writing Weiner jokes." ••• Ilyas Kashmiri, a top al Qaeda leader, has reportedly kicked the bucket. He was killed in a U.S. drone attack in Pakistan's South Waziristan tribal region on June 4. Dave is delighted to show a photo of Kashmiri's compound. For about the 12th time, Dave shows us Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa. ••• monologue: All of tonight's jokes were faxed in by Doctor Death, Jack Kevorkian, who expired of natural causes on June 3. ••• Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has admitted to using Twitter to send pictures of himself in his underpants to ladies he isn't married to. "Don't Congress people... men and women in Congress... don't they get to mail their packages for free?" Dave wonders. / interruption: Pat Farmer strolls onstage to discuss the underpants matter with Dave. /

(Dave): "Oh, hi Pat."

(Pat): "Hello Dave."

(Dave): "Look, ladies and gentlemen, it's Pat Farmer, everybody, one of our stagehands."

(Dave): "Hi, Pat. How're you doin'?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave. Dave, I was just thinking about this Anthony Weiner story."

(Dave): "Anthony Weiner. Yeah."

(Pat): "It occurred to me that considering what happened, it's kind of funny that his name is Weiner."

(Dave): "Yeah. Weiner. Weiner. Right."

(Pat): "Weiner, right? You get it?"

(Dave): "Oh, yeah, I get it."

(Pat): "Remember Bernie Madoff, Dave? Bernie Madoff. He made off with people's money. That's a good one, too."

(Dave): "That is a good one! It seems to me you have a real knack for words..."

(Pat, interrupting): "I'm sure that's a real interesting story, Dave, but I've got other things to do. I've got to run."

(Dave): "OK, sure, Pat. Pat Farmer."

(Dave, to the audience): "It's like I'm not even here."

••• "What's in Anthony Weiner's Underpants Tonight" /
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Live from Washington, D.C.): We see the midsection of a man, wearing a coat and tie and Calvin Klein underpants.

(The politician removes a small appliance from his shorts.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "It's an AM-FM travel radio!"

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. What goes through a guy's mind when he's about to take a picture of his deal? (Bill Scheft explained that this has replaced business cards.)

  2. Related to the aforementioned topic, Dave shows us a Photoshop special of himself as a shirtless muscle man. He calls for a staffer to go out and get a photocopy for each and every audience member.
••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Tweeting a Photo of Your Deal ••• desk chat: Dave announces the line-up for Drum Solo Week. Our own Anton Fig, who's been with Dave and Paul now since 1986, will do tonight's solo. ••• Meredith Vieira (who is leaving Today on Wednesday. ••• [Biff comes out to set up "Biff Henderson at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway": Biff visits Dario Franchitti, Tony Kanaan, the Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing pit crew (who change Biff's clothes in 1:17), Hélio Castroneves on Dancing with the Stars, Matt Giese, Graham Rahal, Dario Franchitti again, Joan Rivers' face as a demonstration of G forces, Al Unser, Jr., Bertrand Baguette, Scott Dixon and Bobby Unser, and we see a golf cart race.] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: We see pages distributing copies of Dave's muscle man picture to delighted audience members. ••• 2011 Indianapolis 500 winner Dan Wheldon ••• outside cam to 53rd St.: We get a nice, long look at the latest model of Indy car. ••• Anton Fig, with the CBS Orchestra, presents an awesome drum solo. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Dave's muscle photo

6/07/11 [3503]: monologue: It's really nice outside today. Want proof? We go live to Park Avenue, where a dentist is working on a guy on the sidewalk! ••• "Get to Know Tim Pawlenty" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "There's actually no reason to get to know Tim Pawlenty. This has been 'Get to Know Tim Pawlenty.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "You take a look at these Republican candidates, and I'll bet you Barack Obama wishes he hadn't spent that money on the new birth certificate, huh?" ••• Dr. Death, Jack Kevorkian, died of natural causes on June 3. / monologue: "He was actually sued for malpractice, because one of his patients lived." ••• monologue: "You folks like celebrity birthdays? Happy birthday to Muammar Khaddafi... 69 years old today... happy birthday to Muammar Khaddafi. Had a big party, and he was visited by his lovely... his three lovely nieces showed up, Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Khaddafi." ••• Todd Seda is standing in for Tony Mendez on cue cards tonight. ••• "What's in Anthony Weiner's Underpants Tonight?" / video: We see a gentleman in a jacket and boxer underpants remove a bottle from his underpants. Alan Kalter, in his best announcer voice, says, "It's a bottle of contact lens solution!" ••• Dave sets up a video about Congressman Weiner, who's been sending underpants pictures to the ladies. He's not stepping down. / video:
(Weiner): "I don't see anything that I did that violated any rules of the House. I don't see anything that I did that certainly violated my oath of office..."

(FX): We hear a slide whistle, and the Congressman's podium starts to raise up.

(graphic and voice-over): "This has been a "CBS Breaking News Update.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Be sure to leave a generous bequest to CBS in your will." ••• desk chat: It's Drum Solo Week. Anton led off the week last night, performing flawlessly in spite of an injury. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Flathead Beacon, Kalispell, Montana: POLICE BLOTTER: "A woman who stole makeup from an Evergreen business somehow left her shoes behind."
  • Todd County Country Courier, Browerville, Minnesota: "BUY A MOWER and receive 5 lbs. of cheese FREE!"
  • Newark Post, Newark, Delaware: TRAFFIC STOP: "When the deputy looked down, he noticed that the driver wasn't wearing any pants or underpants." (Dave takes the opportunity to do a Congressman Weiner joke.)
  • San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, California: GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENTS: "I have changed my name from Rinky Sahibrai Basantani to Simran Rajesh Gwalani as of 05/02/09."
  • Rochester Democrat and Chronicle, Rochester, New York: POLICE BLOTTER: "Burglary: Someone entered an attached garage... and stole a black Olympus... colonoscope valued at $36,975."
  • The American, Fairland, Oklahoma: "Jimmy D. Newton won a decorated spiral notebook."
  • Patriot and Free Press, Cuba, New York: POLICE REPORTS: "Patrol sent to McDonalds to speak with an elderly woman regarding erratic driving. Driver was avoiding horse manure left behind by the Amish."
  • Press and Sun-Bulletin, Binghampton, New York: FUND-RAISING PICNIC: "The menu will include marinated children..." (This is a repeat from the "Small Town News" of 9/29/09.)
  • Ozarks Senior Living Newspaper, Branson, Missouri: WANTED: "MAN WITH Pontoon - who will clean house, cook, shop, do laundry, pay bills, mow and still have energy to fool around... Please send picture of Pontoon." (This is a repeat from the "Small Town News" of 9/29/09.)
••• bumper: Buddy Rich drumming in 1980 ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Muammar Qaddafi's Birthday ••• FX: Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi in the balcony ••• Kathy Griffin plugs her special, Kathy Griffin: Girl Down. ••• desk chat: Dave reports being irritated that Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi is having a 69th birthday party. Naturally he wonders, "What Would Chris Rock Do?" /
(title graphic and hard rock theme song)

(Chris): "I'd call me up some Navy Seals and shoot that mother          in the ass!"

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kyle Chandler plugs Super 8. ••• a drum solo with Shelia E. and the CBSO ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi in the balcony

6/08/11 [3504] [DaveCon 2011]: (I was in the 4th row of the audience for this episode, so I'll have some comments on some editing that needed to be done. Our friend Marilyn Sargent got the preshow question. She and Dave got into a discussion about the David Letterman Tulip Poplar tree in her yard.) ••• "What's in Anthony Weiner's Underpants?" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(live video from Washington, D.C.): A gentleman in his underpants removes an electronic device for our inspection.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "It's a pocket calculator!"

(FX): "yes" dings

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

••• interruption: Alan's having a big laugh about something.
(Alan): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Good one, Dave! Ho! Wow! Oh, man!"

(Paul): "What is going on with him?"

(Dave): "Alan? Alan, hi. What is it? What's goin' on?"

(Alan): "I'm tellin' you, I just watched that. That was hilarious!"

(Dave): "Yeah, great. Thank you."

(Alan): "Hey, Dave, if you liked that, take a look at what I've got in MY underpants."

(Alan grabs his belt to clear the way, and starts digging around below the equator.)

(Dave, horrified): "Oh, Alan, no. No. No. No!"

(Paul): "We don't want to know."

(Dave): "No. No."

(Paul): "What's he doing over there?"

(Alan's still digging around.)

(Dave): "Please. Alan came to me before the show and he said, 'This is what I wanted to do,' but we don't have enough make-up."

(Alan glares at Dave.)

••• Dave mentions Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan. Yes, once again, it's Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion. / photo ••• interruption: Two guys in green body suits suddenly appear onstage and start dancing around Dave, who doesn't want any part of this foolishness. It's not long before two security guys, Dominick and ?, take charge of the situation. We hear the snap, crackle and pop of stun guns. The two greenies are dragged offstage. I didn't get the joke. ••• We're in the midst of the scandal over Congressman Anthony Weiner sending pictures of his junk. / "Sex Scandals Before the Internet Age" /
(title graphic)

(photo of film coordinator Rick "Shecky" Scheckman in a suit)

(voice-over): "In 1989, Pennsylvania Congressman Bert Wallace (D-PA) was severely injured while trying to send a fax of his genitals."

(Cut to Shecky in an office, britches down, in the midst of a dreadful mishap after trying to fax an image of his junk. Something is caught in something.)

(Shecky): "A little help here! Hello? I'm stuck! Help!"

(art card)

(voice-over): "A safety reminder from Hewlett-Packard."

(Dave clearly enjoyed this one.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "There was a mistake in last night's show. We regret the error." ••• My, it's hot! Dave talked to CBS weather guy Dave Price for a forecast on the New Weather. / video:
(clip): We see Dave in front of the weather forecast.





















(Dave Price): "As we head into Wednesday, a little spike in the temperature, close to 130°, but we're gonna see a front pass, and that's gonna make temperatures really comfortable as we head into the evening hours at about 110°. Up to 132° Thursday, but rolling into the weekend, what a nice weekend for the beach at 137°, with the chance of a t-storm cooling things down to just about 120° at night. That's a look at your forecast. Dave, back to you."

••• Pat Farmer's out on 53rd St. with red and purple Popsicles. It's at least 95°, and then you have the radiant heat. (Fun fact: I was talking to Pat about "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts," just a few steps down the sidewalk, when someone hollered at him. He had to end our discussion to go tape part of this segment.) ••• Top Ten Signs It's Too Hot ••• Dave interrupts the Top Ten to check in with Pat Farmer. Oh, no! There's nothing left of our property master but a plaid shirt, blue jeans and tennis shoes, laying flat on the sidewalk. Biff Henderson steps into the shot to say, "Aw, crap, Dave. Pat melted!" ••• more TTL (with one of George Carlin's words censored out) ••• It's Late Show Drum Solo Week, and we have a promo from CBS. / video:
(voice-over): "The Late Show's Drum Solo Week is off to a fantastic start! The fun continues tomorrow night with a special surprise drum solo by Congressman Anthony Weiner."

(clip): We see the Congressman sitting at a drum set, leaning back, with his hands behind his head. Wait a minute! What is playing the drums? Oh, no!

(voice-over): "Only on the Late Show!"

(Late Show logo)

••• Jon Cryer plugs Two and a Half Men. Yes, there were Charlie Sheen jokes, including references to porn stars, hookers and cocaine. ••• Rachel Maddow plugs The Rachel Maddow Show. (I think she's a Democrat.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Roy Haynes (86 years old) does a drum solo. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Anthony Weiner's "drum solo"

6/09/11 [3505]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Vancouver who supposedly has been in two consecutive nights. ••• The Puerto Rican Day Parade is this weekend. / Photoshop fun: It's teen Mayor Michael Bloomberg riding a Chihuahua in a parade. ••• Archaeologists have discovered a 300-year-old anchor, somewhere or other. Dave jokes that it's New York City anchor Sue Simmons. This takes us back in time to May 12, 2008, when on WNBC she inquired (accidentally on the air) of a co-worker, "What the       are you doing?" / video of the mishap ••• "Oprah's Audience Members — Where Are They Now?" / video:

(title graphic and theme song)

(clip of an excited audience member)

(voice-over): "Former Oprah audience member Linda Hershberger now spends her time going nuts alone in her living room."

(photo of Linda's stately home, from which we hear): "Oprah! I love you, Oprah. I love you soooo much! Oprahhhhhhhh!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Oprah's Audience Members — Where Are They Now?' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Whatever!" ••• Citizens are making their way to church basements to try to come to grips with the cancellation of Oprah's show. Tonight we have an installment of "Losing Oprah: The Five Stages of Grief." / video:
(title graphic, with photo of Oprah, and acoustic guitar music)

(graphic and voice-over): "Stage 4: Depression."

(clip): Biff Henderson enters a darkened room.

(a barely-visible David Letterman inquires): "Is it time for Monday's show?"

(Biff): "No, Dave. We'll call you."

(Biff sets a bottle of water and a plate of food on the floor by the door and exits, gently closing the door.)

(graphic and voice-over): "Stay strong, America."

••• Dave lowers his swivel chair height to deliver the TTL. (This is quite a development, since the chair is taken into protective custody after each taping, so no one messes with the adjustments.) ••• Top Ten Signs America Is Too Fat ••• bumper: Buddy Rich playing drums in 1980 ••• Neil Patrick Harris plugs How I Met Your Mother, and there's a fun discussion of his new kids. ••• desk chat: Since Neil Peart will be on tonight, Dave thought it would be funny to cook up a bottle of Neil Peart Plus® shampoo. Our announcer, Mr. Kalter, suddenly becomes irate.
(Alan): "Are you kidding me?"

(Dave): "I thought of that.... I thought of that, I made a note, and I called the..."

(Alan, looking at the audience): "Are you kidding me? Come on, guys. Are you kidding me?"

(Dave): "Alan. Alan. Alan. I'm sorry... Alan."

(Alan): "Yeah?"

(Dave): "What is wrong?"

(Alan, still facing the audience): "Them. That's what's wrong! That's it? Is that all you ungrateful bastards could come up with? A charitable little mercy laugh? Ha ha. That joke... yeah! That joke is brilliant! That joke is hilarious! Did you see Dave brilliantly combine Neil Peart's name with a popular shampoo and conditioner in one? Did you get that? You mark my words, ass     s. The next time you don't laugh, I'm comin' out there, and I'm fighting every damn one of you! Now Dave... Hey! Too late! Dave, say it again."

(Dave): "Uh, I, I, don't think we this."

(Alan): "Dave, do the damn joke."

(Dave): "Look, everybody, it's Neil Peart Plus®."

(Alan): "That's what I thought, idiots!"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "It's time to play Unscramble the Zip Code." We begin with 69070. Unscrambled, it's 06790, the Zip Code of Torrington, Connecticut. ••• Mike Berbiglia does stand-up. ••• Neil Peart drum solo / It was outstanding! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/10/11: REPEAT FROM 5/19/11

6/13/11 [3506]: interruption: There's quite a commotion outside. A camera over 53rd St. shows what's going on. It's Admiral Mullen's aircraft carrier parking, to let him out. ••• Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has checked into a rehab facility, because he's not naughty. It's not his fault that he sent those pictures of his middle latitudes. / video:

We see live footage, albeit blurry, of the Congressman bouncing on a trampoline held by some other rehab inmates. The caption is "Undisclosed Mental Health Facility." Hmmm. Where do I get the idea that this could be a nudist colony?
••• monologue: "Don't judge Anthony Weiner until you've walked a mile in his pants around your ankles." ••• Here's more Weiner fun: It's an advertisement for the Recovery Institute of Long Island. / video:
(outside shot of the Institute, photo of Weiner speaking at an event)

(soothing female voice-over): "At the Recovery Institute of Long Island, we specialize in problems like the ones faced by Anthony Weiner. Our exclusive 12-step program guides clients through the recovery process, from Step 1: Don't take pictures of your penis, to Step 2: Seriously, don't take pictures of your penis, and Step 3: Hey, knock it off with the whole penis photo thing... all the way through Step 12: I see what you're doing. Put the camera down and put your penis back in your pants. The Recovery Institute of Long Island: Helping you be you again."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. At the Tony Awards last night, Mr. Paul Shaffer and the cast of Priscilla Queen of the Desert performed Paul's song, "It's Raining Men." Dave shows a picture of his legendary band leader and lovely daughter, Victoria Lily (born April 8, 1993), taken on the red carpet at the awards.

  2. Uh oh. This whole Anthony Weiner thing has awakened the shutterbug in Dave. He has a preview of his latest work, about to be uploaded to Twitter. It's self portraits, taken upstairs in the offices in front of a mirror. They range from fun to downright disturbing. We can't wait to see the full set.
••• Dave opens the Top Ten. Alan announces that tonight's TTL is sponsored by German Bean Sprouts®.
(Alan's voice-over): "Whether snacking, planning a party or marching into Austria, achtung meine freunden, German Bean Sprouts® pack a wallop!"

(cut to Alan, gnawing on a glass bowl of sprouts)

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

(Alan, continuing): "Back to you, Adolph."

••• Betty White, onstage, presents the Top Ten Betty White Tips for Living a Long and Happy Life. No surprise, her delivery was tremendous. #10: Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you're ugly. ••• bumper: Alan eating bean sprouts ••• Admiral Michael Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, including a plug for Betty White's Hot in Cleveland ••• Black Joe Lewis and The Honeybears sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a picture of Dave and Admiral Mullen

6/14/11 [3507]: When famous people are naughty, they excuse their indiscretions by checking into rehab. (Maybe they should try going to church!) As we know, rehab has done a world of good for Charlie Sheen. He'll never be naughty again. Anyway, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY), is entering rehab, hopefully to get some shock therapy so he'll stop taking pictures of his underpants. Always on top of the news, the Late Show has a photo of the actual rehab facility chosen to give Weiner the cure. / No! Not again! It's Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa! ••• OK... Dave's been having quite a bit of fun documenting Weiner's photography hobby, but he definitely hates when someone takes advantage of another's problem. / video:

(motion graphics)

(female voice-over): "Looking to send photos of your deal? Then do it right! Hurry down to the new Sears Penis Portrait Studio!"

(blurred deal photos)

(female voice-over): "Choose from classic settings, holiday backdrops, or customize to reflect your favorite hobby."

(exterior photo): Sears Penis Portrait Studio

(female voice-over): "Sears Penis Portrait Studio: Your quality penis portrait store!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Now in Wayne, New Jersey!"

••• monologue: There are cries from near and far for Congressman Weiner to resign. Dave, believing he speaks for himself, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, George Gomez, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, David Frost, Merv Griffin, Jack Paar and Johnny Carson, says, "Mind your own business! He doesn't need to resign!" ••• It's Donald Trump's 65th birthday. Here's exclusive footage of Donald at his birthday party, blowing out the candles. / animation: His hair does the blowing. ••• interruption: It's Chris Dimino, Graphic Art Director, in his office. /
(Chris): "Excuse me. Dave, Dave."

(Dave): "Yes."

(Chris): "Excuse me."

(Dave): "What? Huh?"

(Chris): "Excuse me."

(Dave): "Oh, yes. Hi."

(Chris): "Hi, it's Chris from the graphics department. I did the animation of Trump's hair."

(Dave): "Oh, right. Nice job! That worked really well!"

(Chris): "Today's gonna be my last day. I can't waste my life anymore on this      . And, by the way, you have to stop showing that picture of Jeter's house."

(Chris stands and walks away forever.)

(Dave): "Oh, he'll be back. Don't worry about him."

••• interruption: Dave has a bit of trouble with a joke. He begins, "But speaking of Spider-Man..." He pauses and grins, and realizes he doesn't know what to say next. Tony Mendez says, "They cut a joke, and I wasn't able to change the card." Dave says the Broadway play opened earlier today. We go live to the Foxwoods Theatre for a sneak peek. Wait a minute. We're seeing the Broadway entrance of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Emerging from the lobby is Spider-Man, engulfed in flames. (It's probably The Man on Fire, Don H. Hewitt, but I can't prove that.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• shot of Alan, blowing up an inflatable raft ••• desk chat: Dave claims that long ago, he had a financial advice show on WOR radio. His advice? Miniature golf. You get to keep the pencil! ••• interruption: A flaming Spidey runs through the Ed. ••• Top Ten Changes to the Spider-Man Broadway Show ••• desk chat: Everyone in the audience gets a brand new golf pencil. ••• Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder himself) plugs Green Lantern. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: We see pages distributing Dixon® yellow golf pencils to audience members. ••• cooking with Chef Eric Ripert / Dave misbehaves, pretending one of Eric's fishes is his tie. ••• Sutton Foster and the cast of Broadway's Anything Goes ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: sped-up footage of a flaming Spidey

6/15/11 [3508]: New candidates for president are emerging. / "Get to Know Jon Huntsman" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "There's actually no reason to get to know Jon Huntsman. This has been 'Get to Know Jon Huntsman.' "

••• monologue: "And today's a big day in the Weiner household. Anthony Weiner is being united... reunited with his wife. Well, that should go pretty well, I think. And Weiner asked that people respect his privacy, and well, I guess that really wasn't a concern when he was texting photos of his junk!" ••• There was a picnic at the White House today for members of Congress. / announcement video:
(shot of the White House)

(voice-over): "The White House is inviting members of Congress to a day of food and games at its annual Congressional picnic; however, due to Congressman Anthony Weiner's recent scandal, the following words will not be permitted at the event: Weiner Roast, Footlong, Sack Race, Three-Legged Race, Kosher Pickle, Packed Basket, Tube Steak, Glazed Mini Meatballs, Meat on the Bone, Hot Meat, Plump Meat, Loin Meat, Cut Meat, Hanging Meat, Hot Buttered Corn on the Cob and Dry-rubbed Sausage. We appreciate your cooperation!

••• The wedding of 85-year-old Hugh M. Hefner and 22-year Crystal Harris has been called off. Dave has a picture of the Playboy Mansion, by the way. Oh, no. You can't be serious! It's yet another look at Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion. / Cut to Bill Scheft in his office.
(Bill): "Hi, I'm Bill Scheft, Late Show writer, and the author of the Jeter's place joke. You know, we've been doing it for weeks now, and the verdict is in. Everybody hates it! The viewers hate it. The staff hates it. America hates it. If you'd like to register a complaint about this gratuitous, marginally-funny, never-ending nightmare of a running gag, send an e-mail to [email protected]. Maybe we'll read your e-mail on the air. Until then, I'll see you at Jeter's place!"

(Bill, laughing at the monitor): "You see what I did there? Good night, America!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm gonna sneeze." ••• Paul introduces Hall-of-Famer Todd Rundren, who's sitting in. ••• desk chat: Mayor Bloomberg wants restaurants to put signs in their windows if their food is poisonous. Rupert Jee of Hello Deli has an A, B and C in his window. (We go live to Rupert, behind the counter.) Now, those aren't the health inspection grades. They're the types of hepatitis they have. ••• live via satellite to the American Airlines Center in Dallas for the Top Ten Good Things About Winning the NBA Championship / Presenters are Shawn Marion, Jose Juan Barea, Rodrigue Beaubois, Brian Cardinal, coach Rick Carlisle, Tyson Chandler, Caron Butler, Jason Terry, owner Mark Cuban and MVP Dirk Nowitzki. ••• Jim Carrey plugs Mr. Popper's Penguins. The first moments of his appearance weren't exactly dazzling, so Dave and Jim decide on a do-over. We have a sparkly backdrop, a musical number from Jim, spotlights, fireworks, dancers (The Carrettes), balloons, confetti and a Stevie Wonder impression. ••• After Jim tells a funny story about his doggie's encounter with a skunk, Dave points out the strong similarity to the one Tom Hanks told on the show a couple of years ago. / video of Tom Hanks telling the same story long ago ••• Act 5: Todd Rundgren singing with the CBSO ••• Alan Kalter has a special guest to weigh in on the Anthony Weiner story. /
(Alan, holding out his hand, palm up): "Thank you very much, Dave. You know, tonight I've invited a special guest to share his unique experience on the Anthony Weiner story. Through the magic of animation, please welcome Percy the Penis. So... Percy, as a penis yourself, what was your reaction to the scandal?"

(Alan listens to Percy's supposed response.)

(Alan): "Well, well, I think we were all disappointed, a little disappointed, Percy. Now, why don't you sing your song for these nice people?"

(Alan listens, then begins to grow concerned.)

(Alan): "Uh... Dave?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Alan): "There's, uh.... there's not a singing cartoon penis in my hand, is there?"

(Dave): "No."

(Alan): "Son of a bitch! It says right here in the script, Dave, 'Alan interviews an animated singing penis.' "

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Alan): "Says right here! So why am I sitting here without a singing cartoon penis in my hand?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. I can't help you with that."

(Alan): "Does anyone read the       script? I'm busting my       to make this horse      script work, and you morons can't even give me a cartoon penis in my      damned hand? Well! Well! How about this for a script, Letterman? While I walk out that door, you and Percy, the       talking penis, you kiss my red ass!"

(Alan stomps off the set.)

(Dave): "This scandal has been hard on us all, hasn't it? It's been very difficult. We'll be right back with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Rosie Huntington-Whiteley plugs Transformers: Dark of the Moon. ••• with credits: a clip of The Carrettes dancing.

6/16/11 [3509]: Research from Australia shows that sitting is a risk factor for heart disease. / video:

(video): lab researchers at work

(voice-over): "New research has found that sitting for an extended period of time presents the same health risks as smoking. In light of this information, New York City's Mayor Bloomberg has now banned sitting outdoors."

(animation): A yellow bulldozer scrapes up a bunch of citizens on patio furniture.

(photo): a smiling Michael Bloomberg

(voice-over): "Mayor Bloomberg: The King of New York"

••• What's just the right gift for Father's Day? Since Dave lacks a podium, the sample is tossed to him from parts unknown. It's a package of Anthony Weiners®! Dave tosses the delicious product to a delighted dad in the front row of the audience. ••• monologue: The Miss Universe pageant is on Sunday. Thirty-seven of 51 contestants have received inappropriate text messages from Congressman Weiner! Dave wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. We have a picture of Anthony's naughtiness rehab clinic. Seriously? Stop it! Every single night we go through this. That's right... it Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion. ••• monologue: President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner are scheduled to play golf on CNN this weekend.
(CNN video): the two lawmakers giving addresses

(voice-over): "President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have scheduled a round of golf for this weekend, in what has been dubbed the 'Golf Summit.' The two will tee off just as soon as the grounds crew removes Congressman Weiner from the 14th green.

(animation): The Congressman, in a suit, is humping the ground.

(grounds crew member): "Stop that!"

(voice-over): "(unintelligible), Bethesda, Maryland."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a shot of Alan gnawing on a sandwich ••• desk chat:
  1. Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers is on tonight. We hadn't know this before, but Dave played ball for six years in the Netherlands, with the Flying Wooden Shoes.
  2. The actor who plays Dave's son Harry appears by the backdrop to visit with Dave. What? It's producer Brian Teta.
    (Dave): "Nice to see you. How are you doin'?"

    (Brian): "Fine, Daddy."

    (Dave): "And you know this weekend is Father's Day?"

    (Brian): "Yes, Daddy. I look forward to it."

    (Dave): "Are you excited about it?"

    (Brian): "I made you a birdhouse."

    (Dave): "Oh, that's great. A birdhouse. I really look forward to that. OK... and mom doesn't want you bothering her anymore. But you can go now, OK? I said... is there something else?"

    (Brian): "I want to give Daddy kisses."

    (Dave): "No, no, no! Don't! Just get out of here!"

••• Dave and the CBSO open the TTL.
(Alan's voice-over): "Tonight's Top Ten List is German Bean Sprouts®. Whether snacking, planning a party or marching into Austria, achtung meine freunden, German Bean Sprouts® pack a wallop!"

(cut to Alan, gnawing on a glass bowl of sprouts)

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

(Alan, continuing): "Back to you, Dave. Oh... Adolph."

••• Top Ten Questions Received by the Weber Grill Hotline ••• Samuel L. Jackson plugs, and reads a passage from Adam Mansbach's audio book, Go the       to Sleep!, which he narrated ••• outside cam to 53rd St. for a moment to see the ball diamond ••• Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• on 53rd St.: It's batting practice with Dave and Josh Hamilton batting, Samuel L. Jackson pitching and head stagehand Pat Farmer in the outfield. ••• Jennifer Hudson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/17/11: REPEAT FROM 12/07/10

6/20/11 [3510]: Naughty Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has resigned. Who will replace him, at least for comedians? / "Late Show Reference Wheel": The wheel of misfortune has some new victims substituted in. For example, Osama bin Laden has left the wheel. Never fear. Oprah and Regis are still on there, safe and sound. The wheel spins, then slows to a stop on Arnold Schwarzenegger!

••• It was Father's Day yesterday. Ties are still a popular gift. This year, biographies of great American heroes were often given. For an example, let's go to the "Late Show Reference Wheel." The wheel spins to a stop on a wonderful choice: Regis! ••• On Sunday, Miss California, Alyssa Campanella, was crowned Miss USA 2011, and what a beauty she is! As the winner, she received a diamond tiara, a $60,000 scholarship and a marriage proposal from (Late Show Reference Wheel): A Squirrel Rubbing Sunblock on His Nuts! ••• Over the weekend, President Obama, Speaker John Boehner and Vice-President Joe Biden played golf. / "A Message from the White House":

(video of the golf game)

(voice-over): "President Obama, Speaker Boehner and Vice-President Biden held their golf summit on Saturday, and the three men seemed to get along better than expected. The president responded, offering this friendly gesture."

(clip): Obama patting Boehner on the shoulder

(voice-over): "And our cameras picked up the tender moment between Speaker Boehner and Vice-President Biden."

(animation): a silhouette of the two gentlemen kissing

(voice-over): " 'A Message from the White House' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Praise for a Dog Named Rex" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave calls for a chalkboard for later use.

  2. Dave and Paul pay tribute to their old friend, Clarence Clemons, who died on June 18 at the age of 69.

  3. Pat Farmer and Kenny Sheehan bring out the chalkboard. For the chalk talk, Dave draws diagrams of his run on Saturday, with arrows to show his path and direction. A lady stopped to ask where "the body" was found. The car stopped again later, and a guy told Dave that his dad as found in a grave, decomposing, and asked if he knew where that was. If this is true, it's weird. If it's not true, it's weird. Dave remembered that he saw five police cars the previous weekend. Eventually Dave drove over to the police station. It was closed.

  4. Happy Father's Day!
••• Top Ten Signs al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money ••• Cameron Diaz plugs Bad Teacher. She's dating Alex Rodriguez, and Dave wants to visit about feeding him popcorn during Super Bowl XLV. He persuades Cameron to feed him some popcorn, too. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• clip of Cameron stepping on Dave's foot as she was being seated for her interview ••• more of Cameron's interview ••• Eddie Vedder sings and plays a ukelele. ••• Dave announces that Buck Brannaman has been bumped to later in the week. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: popcorn feeding

6/21/11 [3511]: cold open: vintage CBS eye logo / voice-over: "This is CBS, home of Barnaby Jones." / photo of Jed Clampett ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to teachers. Vodka! ••• monologue: New York city is the place you want to be in the summertime. It's like a state park. Dave calls for head stagehand Pat Farmer, and asks him to go outside to see how everyone is enjoying the summer in New York. / "Be right back," Pat says, as he goes through one of the 53rd St. exits. / Forty-five seconds pass. Nothin.' "He's not... he's not comin' back, is he?" Dave asks. "Can you blame him?" Paul replies. ••• Former Utah governor Jon Huntsman may be running for president. / "Get to Know Jon Huntsman" /

(photo of the Huntsman family)

(voice-over): "Jon Huntsman is a dedicated family man. He served as governor of Utah for four years. He was the United States' ambassador to China for two years. And because no one knows who the hell Jon Huntsman is, you probably didn't realize these are actually photographs handsome actor Treat Williams."

(voice-over): "Jon Huntsman: Leadership you can trust."

••• How about that Rory McIlroy winning the U.S. Open? He had a big lead, and no one could keep up with him. Way, way down was Dustin Johnson. / video:
(video): Dustin is on a green, near a pond or lake. (He's wearing those stupid white shoes golfers wear.)

(animation): A prehistoric arm appears and grabs him. In a flash, he disappears completely. A few moments later, a bloody leg appears on the green.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "The Fourth of July is just around the corner. Friday night, meet TV's Alan Kalter! Buy illegal fireworks from the trunk of his car at the Home Depot® parking lot in Secaucus, New Jersey." ••• desk chat:
  • Summer's a great time to visit New York City. Oh, sure, with climate change the temperatures will probably double in the next couple of weeks.

  • Dave and many others have made fun of the potholes in the city. There's a mammoth pothole on 53rd St., across from the Ed Sullivan Theater, that has a gift shop. Not only that, Simon and Garfunkel played a reunion concert in there. (I stood next to that pothole 11 days ago, and Dave isn't exaggerating much.) Did you know that you can actually rent a burro to take you to the bottom of the thing?!

  • outside cam to 53rd St. to see the crater / "By the way, is Pat Farmer out there?" Dave wonders. Honestly, the dimensions of the whole affected area are about the size of a bus. Dave goes on to inform us, "You know, I was out there during lunch, and about Chilean miners crawled out of that thing!"

  • Guess who's been out there today:
    • The Office of Emergency Management
    • The Department of Transportation
    • The New York City Fire Department
    • The New York City Police Department
    • The Department of Environmental Protection
    • The Transit Authority
    • Con Edison

  • They're fixing the pothole because the President of the United States is going to be at Whoopi Goldberg's Sister Act at The Broadway Theatre, 1681 Broadway on June 23.
••• Keith Olbermann appears to present the Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New "Countdown with Keith Olbermann." The wise guy claims he's just hired Paul Shaffer as his musical director. ••• Jason Bateman plugs Horrible Bosses. (Hey, Jason, would it kill you to bring along my sweetie, Justine?) Jason doesn't think much of yoga, but he does it, anyway. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs The Best and the Brightest. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Drive-By Truckers sing. Dave enjoys their performance so much that he asks for an encore, so they play us out of the show.

6/22/11 [3512]: monologue: New York City is on the cutting edge of metropolitan life. For example, look at this new rat crossing sign. ••• The bus-sized pothole on the other side of 53rd St. was covered in detail last night. For those who missed last night, here it is:

Oh, here we go again. It's Derek Jeter's place!

OK, let's try again. Here's the real pothole, with a guy down in there doing something with a laptop computer. (It's nice that he can afford a computer, given the rent he must be paying.) ••• "Good Things About Newt Gingrich" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clip of Newt giving a speech)

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich has never sent obscene photos of himself, because he's too fat to take an unostructed photo of his own genitals."

(Photoshop fun): A very tubby and way-too-naked Newt is on scales in his office. / graphic overlay: "TOO FAT"

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Future President Newt Gingrich.' " (The title got changed between the beginning and the end.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has a printout of a recent eBay offering of a supposed autographed photo of him. (I ran across this yesterday. People who buy autographed items on eBay must be the world's ultimate optimists.) Anyway, the beginning bid (not met) was $18.00, and instead of Daddy, you would have gotten a picture of Buddy Hackett. (Will Lee does his "Dick Cheney's Dungeon scream.)

  2. Speaking at college graduations is a trap. By and large, college is a waste of time. Dave's not saying to not go to college, but don't expect to get anything out of it.

    "Celebrity Commencement Speakers"

    (title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

    (voice-over): "Tom Hanks. Yale."

    (Tom): "You are now the annointed... the best and the brightest."

    (voice-over): "President Obama. Miami Dade College."

    (Obama): "Pursue success. Do not falter."

    (voice-over): "Anthony Weiner's Penis. Brooklyn College."

    (Weiner's deal): "An investment in knowledge always pays the best benefits. Thank you."

    (voice-over): "This has been 'Celebrity Commencement Speakers.' "

    (Dave): "I turned that down. They replaced me with some dick."

••• Justin Bieber presents the Top Ten Little Known Facts About Justin Bieber. / shot of an insulted Kevin James in the green room / Dave shows his new fragrance for the ladies, in some ridiculous rose vase. ••• Kevin James plugs Zookeeper. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• pet fashion designer Ada Nieves and her rat models ••• Beady Eye sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/23/11 [3513]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gentleman wearing a plaid shirt. ••• monologue: Everyone in New York City is excited about the gay pride parade on Sunday. / Photoshop fun: The Statue of Liberty's holding a Mojito. ••• With a blockbuster cast, Cars 2 opened today, and we have a promo. / video:

(video): scenes from the movie

(voice-over): "Your favorite four-wheeled buddies are back in Cars 2! Starring Owen Wilson as Lightning McQueen, Larry the Cable Guy as Mater, and Jay Leno as Jay Limo, who heartlessly screws over Conan O'Buick."

(animation): Conan O'Buick is forced off a California seaside cliff by Mr. Limo, plummeting to a fiery crash.

(SF): Jay Limo's signature giggle

(voice-over): "Cars 2: Starts Friday."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. As he often does, Dave proudly brags about the CBS Orchestra. It's a lovely and fantastic thing to hear them live, night after night.

  2. Sully, the Letterman family's Boston Plumber, has had a series of intestinal problems in his young life. / interruption: Dave spots and attempts to exterminate a flying insect. His eyes roll left to right and back. Then he wonders if it was just a floater. All I can say is I saw the varmint, too. Back to Sully: Harry's young cousins are visiting, and they adore Sully. The kids have something called a rocket balloon, and naturally, Sully ate one. Then the household is on Colon Patrol. Harry has a lot of gas (and is there anything better than canine gas, ladies and gentleman)? Anyway, Dave wonders if the rocket balloon will come out inflated, to which Harry replied, "Yeah, that would be good for Clare's birthday." / mad dog photo (Hey, Dave, would it have killed you to show Jeter's mansion instead? Seriously, it's been 24 hours now.)
••• Top Ten Signs Your Summer Is Already Off to a Bad Start ••• Jason Segel plugs Bad Teacher. ••• Dave calls the CBS Orchestra the world's best, most expensive, juke box. ••• Buck Brannaman, horse whisperer, plugs Buck, a new documentary about him. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Buck Brannaman ••• Noah & the Whale sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/24/11: REPEAT FROM 5/23/11

6/27/11 [3514]: Gay marriage is a theme tonight, as on Friday, June 24, Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed into law a bill which allows it in the state in 30 days. ••• monologue: "How many here tonight on your gay honeymoon? Any gay honeymooners?" Dave asks. Tom "Bones" Malone and Al Chez in the horn section raise their hands. Bruce Kapler's not playing along, for once. He just gestures toward the honeymooners. Dave congratulates Al and Tom, and they have a brief, not-too-creepy hug. ••• As soon as the bill passed, gay couples announced marriage plans: Neil Patrick Harris is one, and Harry & David, Ben & Jerry and Batman and Robin are among the happy couples. ••• video: The gay pride parade in New York City includes Gov. Cuomo, shirtless in a boa, and a shirtless Mayor Bloomberg. ••• Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty today on 17 of 20 charges, including trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. / photo / Dave cracks that Blago's in trouble for texting photos of his hair. ••• interruption: Head stagehand and property master Pat Farmer shows up in a red and black vinyl outfit, and one sparkly glove. /

(Pat): "Hi, Dave."

(Dave): "Hi, Pat, how are you? Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen... one of our stagehands."

(Pat): "Dave, uh, I don't know if now is a good time, but I wanted to hit you up for a restaurant recommendation. There's gonna be six of us, and one person has a gluten allergy. Recommendation?"

(Dave): "You know, uh, Pat, I could help you, but since we're in the middle of a show, I'm not going to."

(Pat): "OK."

(Dave, pointing at the outfit): "Is that... Wait... Is that... that 's like a Michael Jackson..."

(Pat): "It is. This is his Thriller outfit, Dave."

(Dave): "Now I saw, honest to God, I saw that they had an auction of his paraphernalia and costumes."

(Pat): "I was there."

(Dave): "Yeah, and this sold for $1.8 million."

(Pat, smiling proudly): "Hard to believe, huh?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Pat): "I figured... I thought I would be funny if I called myself 'The Kind of Props.' But, uh..."

(Paul): " 'The King of Props!' "

(Pat): "...Gotta run, Dave. Let me know about that recommendation."

(Dave): "Yeah, I'll get back to you later on that, Pat."

(CBSO): a few notes from Thriller

••• Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey is huge. Watch this clip from Meet the Press:
(David Gregory): "The battle, of course, between spending and taxes... what's the way out of this mess here?"

(Gov. Christie): "The first thing is the President has to get involved personally."

(Christie starts to sink lower.)

(Gov. Christie): "What I found in New Jersey..."

(Christie sinks out of view as we hear a scream and a crash.)

(Meet the Press title graphic)

(voice-over): "Meet the Press will return in a moment."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "It's fun to say LaBeouf. Go ahead. Try it! OK, that's enough." ••• desk chat:
  1. Is politics worse now, or was it worse in the 1700s or 1800s? People said ugly and dumb things in both eras. Michele Bachmann announced for the presidential race in her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa today, and said she'd run her campaign in the spirit of John Wayne. The trouble is, the John Wayne from Waterloo was 1970s mass murderer, John Wayne Gacy. Maybe it won't sink her campaign. Newt Gingrich spent millions on jewelry at Tiffany's. "Cat digs bling," Paul observes.

  2. The road to the White House runs through the Ed Sullivan Theater.
••• "Is This Anything?" / Alan announces that tonight's celebrity judge is Henry "The Fonz" Winkler. The act is three people in very strange costumes, like the stupid stuff you'd see in an Olympics closing ceremony. Henry calls the act "wildly, inventively nothing," and says it's nothing. Paul claims they won a Tony award for Best Costumes, but it's nothing. Dave says they remind him of Germany before the war. Henry's with us to promote his book, I've Never Met an Idiot on the River, about fly fishing. ••• Shia LaBeouf plugs Transformers: Dark of the Moon. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bert Kreiser plugs Bert the Conqueror. ••• Dawes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/28/11 [3515]: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie opposes gay marriage. / video:

(video): clips of the governor, and Freeplay music

(voice-over): "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he is not a fan of his state legalizing same-sex marriage. The governor feels the only men that should be married are Duncan Hines and Oscar Mayer."

(animation): A strip of Oscar Mayer® bacon approaches a piece of Duncan Hines® Moist Deluxe cake for a kiss.

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Chris Christie.' "

••• monologue: You know who's crawled up Dave's nose? The British royal family. (Dave tells his "Queen Elizabeth at the Kentucky Derby" story, where she kept mistaking horses for Prince Charles.) Did anyone see this from Wimbledon over the weekend? / video: In a 4th-round women's match, a Buckingham Palace guard is the ball boy. ••• Rod Blagojevich was found guilty yesterday of 17 counts of mischief, including trying to sell Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat. He could get 300 years in prison! He was charged with corruption and unlawful imprisonment of a badger. / (photo of his hair) ••• monologue: "Governor Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict, and I said, 'Well, apparently you weren't paying attention during the trial.' " ••• Blagojevich didn't take the verdict well. / CNN video:
(video): Blago, out and about

(voice-over): "Rod Blagojevich could be sentenced to 300 years in prison. Although he calmly talked to reporters, last night someone very close to the former Illinois governor was much more outspoken."

(animation, and Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): Blago's hair, wielding two Beretta stainless 92FSs, says, "I'm not going down without a fight."

(Photoshop fun): Blagojevich, now bald and handcuffed

(CNN logo)

••• interruption: Tonight's guest, Mr. Tom Hanks, comes onstage during the monologue. He wants to look good during his segment, and Dave agrees to trade jackets with him. Score! Tom finds a Pop Tart™ in Dave's jacket pocket. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Tom Hanks Trivia": "Tom" is short for 'Thomas.' Who writes this garbage?" ••• desk chat: Something disturbing happened during the preshow questions. It rocked Dave, who reports that the Late Show makes very little money. He spotted a woman with a Late Show sweatshirt. It caught Dave's eye, and the woman told him her son made it. ••• Biff Henderson comes out to set up his segment, "Biff Visits a Movie Set." / video: Biff has a teeny cameo in Tom Hanks' and Julia Roberts' movie, Larry Crowne. He visits with Nia Vardalos, Julia Roberts, Pam Grier and Leslie Merlin. We see a doctored Angels & Demons clip from the 5/14/09 Late Show, with Tom Hanks' character finding Oreos® in an archaelogical dig, and Tom in a coffee shop with Biff. ••• Top Ten Signs There's Already Trouble at Michele Bachmann Campaign Headquarters ••• Tom Hanks plugs Larry Crowne. He and Dave have some fun at Ron Howard's expense. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Tom Hanks ••• The Sleepy Man Banjo Boys (8-year-old banjo picker Jonny Mizzone and his brothers, Robbie, 11, and Tommy, 13) perform. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/29/11 [3516]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a newlywed couple from Canada, seated up front, over by Alan. Dave picks on them for wearing matching T-shirts from a radio station, CKDM, 730 KHz, in Dauphin, Manitoba. They'll get lots of airtime before Dave's through with them. ••• Pope Benedict XVI is one happenin' dude. He's tweeting now. / Vatican video:

(clips): Pope Benedict XVI, out and about

(voice-over): "The Vatican is pleased to announce a bold move into the 21st Century. To better interact with the younger generation, Pope Benedict XVI has begun tweeting, is now using an iPad®, and will soon release his very first iPad® app, Pope Kong."

(animation): Pope Kong in action

(voice-over): " 'A Message from the Vatican.' "

••• Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was found guilty this week on 17 of 20 charges of corruption. He's facing 300 years in prison, and still doesn't get it. / video:
(clip): Blagojevich, with his ridiculous hair, being interviewed

(voice-over): "A federal jury has found Rod Blagojevich guilty of 17 counts of corruption, including trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. The former governor could face up to 300 years in prison. Mr. Blagojevich would like to announce an exciting offer: He will sell his prison sentence to the highest bidder. Rod Blagojevich: What happened?"

••• monologue: Kim Kardashian has a big butt. How did she get such a big one? Is there a secret to her giant ass? Cookies every day? She had pictures taken to prove her ass is natural. "Thank you, Hubble Telescope," Dave says. ••• monologue: Dave and his staff believe the Two and a Half Men producers are going to kill off Charlie Sheen's character. / I think they're on to something. / video:
(clip from the show): "Where's Uncle Charlie?" "Said he had some sort of meeting."

(Charlie's last scene): We see him lying on a lawn, and a giant riding mower rolls over him.

(photo): Charlie's coffin

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: There are lots of big movies coming out this summer, but one blockbuster has slipped by Dave. / video:
(dramatic music)

(photo): the United States capitol

(voice-over): "Scandals have claimed some of our top politicians. Now, government scientists are conducting the ultimate experiment. Eliot Spitzer's feet. Arnold Schwarzenegge's biceps. Larry Craig's thighs. Eric Massa's hands. Chris Lee's abs. John Edwards' flowing, golden locks. And Anthony Weiner's        . Ryan Reynolds is Ass        Politician."

(clip): Ryan Reynolds says, "Let's get our         on."

(voice-over): "Ass        Politician. Coming soon."

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. Alan Kalter says,
"Tonight's Top Ten is brought to you by Alan Kalter's Same-Sex Wedding Chapel."

(cut to Alan at his perch)

(Alan): "Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, co-host of television's Late Night with David Letterman. Nothing makes me happier than seeing two people deeply in love. Man... woman... I don't care what kind of equipment you're packing, and that's why I, along with my investment team of Marriott Hotels and Resorts, founded our breathtakingly beautiful and award-winning birthplace of marital bliss, on the banks of the Newtown Creek in Queens. Just bring your partner and $199.95, and our skilled videographers will not only catch all the emotions of your once-in-a-lifetime ceremony, but also the special, private moments of your special night. That's Alan Kalter's Same-Sex Wedding Chapel. (Lesbians preferred.) Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "That was very nice, because usually when Alan's involved in something, it's icky. That was very nice. That was very nice. Thank you, Alan."

••• Lindsay Lohan was released today from 35 days of house arrest, and Dave begins the Top Ten Lindsay Lohan Summer Plans. Dave stops after delivering #4. He starts whining about the Canadian newlyweds in the audience, with their cheap radio station T-shirts. He thinks they're spies. Regardless, Dave has two gray Late Show T-shirts, which he claims are made in America. [Maybe not, Dave. The shirts I got at Hello Deli this month were made in Honduras.] Dave delivers 'em, along with a dinner-for-two certificate for 21, as the CBSO plays "American the Beautiful." (When Dave points out the disclaimer on the envelope, "We don't serve runaways," Paul Shaffer and the CBSO segue into Del Shannon's "Runaway" two seconds after Dave says the word. The performances the CBS Orchestra turn out are always outstanding, but sometimes what they do is nothing short of astonishing.] Dave checks with Gaines, who gives him permission to quit the Top Ten. ••• Patrick Dempsey plugs Transformers: Dark of the Moon. ••• Dave delivers the last three entries of the Lindsay Lohan TTL (with reactions from Tom Hanks in the green room). [good thing we can't lip read!] ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Erica Hill of The Early Show. ••• Marty Stuart sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/30/11 [3517]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a bespectacled young man in the audience, who henceforth will be known as "Dave Jr." Apparently Dave, Jr. asked for a Star Wars impression at the expense of Jay Leno, and that's how tonight's monologue began. Since I never watch the competition, the whole bit went over my head. ••• monologue:

(Dave): "Let me give you a little pointer. If you go into Rupert Jee's Hello Deli out there on 53rd St., and by God, there must be 10,000 delis in New York City. I want to tell you something, right here and right now. My hand to God, Hello Deli is one of them. So if you go in there, remember this, ladies and gentlemen. It's your responsibility. If you see something in the chicken salad, say something. Say something."
••• monologue: "Former Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, is goin' away for 300 years, unless he's pardoned by Oprah." ••• monologue: "You know, we're celebrating our independence from the British, and I hope in a couple of years, I hope we'll be celebrating our independence from the Chinese." ••• Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota has been Dave's target of the week. He's decided to call her Michele O'Bachmann. It seems she's running for president, but she keeps making minor mistakes in her speeches. / video:
(clip of Michelle B., with sappy background music)

(voice-over): "Earlier this week, Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne with serial killer John Wayne Gacy. She sincerely regrets the error, and vows to continue her campaign in the tradition of our great founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and Osama Bin Franklin. Vote Bachmann 2013."

••• monologue:
(Dave): "Anthony Weiner, now, no longer a Congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. Wow, there's an endorsement, huh? Hand-picked by Anthony Weiner. Thank you! Picking your own replacement, you know, Jay Leno did that. Remember when Jay Leno...? He picked himself."
••• Here's a brand new segment: "Slow News Day?" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(female reporter): "Florence Henderson, a.k.a. Carol Brady, says that she got crabs in the 1960s after having a one night stand with then-New York Mayor John Lindsay."

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "My lawn was eaten by chinch bugs." ••• desk chat: 1. It's more of Dave's Leno impression. 2. Julia Roberts is the only reason Dave came to work today. 3. Dave has a small part in the summer blockbuster, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. / video:
(Dave's upstairs in the office building in a little break room kitchenette, wearing a black Late Show sweatshirt and shorts.)

(Dave, hollering): "Help! Help! Help! Oh... eee..."

(Executive producer Jude Brennan rushes to Dave's aid.)

(Dave, pointing to a shiny new toaster on the counter): "This is a robot, and it's gonna turn into and thing a kill me! It's a transformer!"

(Dave, gesturing to Jude to stay back): "Don't... go... near it!"

(Jude, exasperated): "It's just a toaster, you moron."

(Dave): "Yeah, well, how are you gonna feel when it shoots a thing out and explodes me?"

(FX): The toaster shoots a thing out and expodes him.

••• Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud to Be an American / #9: Other countries have one Dakota. We have two. (me: Three, if you count Miss Fanning.) / #4: We live in a country where our politicans text photos of their junk. ••• Julia Roberts plugs Larry Crowne. Dave introduces her as, "A lovely, hard-drinking woman." Dave and Julia exchange the usual pleasantries, and compare note about their offspring and their schools. The 5' 9" Julia has some legs, if I do say so myself. How does she stay so gorgeous? "Formaldehyde and Q-Tips®," Julia replies. Julia interviewed Hillary Clinton for OWN. I wasn't interested in that information. / interruption: Mr. Tom Hanks rushes onstage in a surprise visit. He and Julia play The Newlywed Game. It was a blockbuster segment. ••• Cake sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/01/11: REPEAT FROM 5/26/11

7/04/11: REPEAT FROM 6/25/10

7/05/11: REPEAT FROM 5/16/11

7/06/11: REPEAT FROM 6/14/11

7/07/11: REPEAT FROM 6/15/11

7/08/11: REPEAT FROM 5/10/11

7/11/11 [3518]: [CRIME SCENE!] A sometime actor named James Whittemore allegedly got loaded over the weekend, and decided to break into the Ed Sullivan Theater. He promptly got himself arrested, and will be the butt of various jokes and segments during tonight's telecast. ••• CBS quickly decided to install a state-of-the-art motion detector in the Ed. / Pat Farmer's outside on Broadway for a demo. He gives a friendly wave to the camera, which sets the crime-fighting apparatus into action. The Late Show marquee quickly lowers, squishes Pat like a bug and returns to its standby location. ••• Derek Jeter got his 3,000th hit on July 9. A generous fan, Christian Lopez, gave Derek the ball. Derek won't be at the All-Star Game tomorrow. He'll be at his $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa, and Dave wants us to see it. / photo: Whoops! It's Osama bin Laden's dump in Pakistan. ••• A lot of big time Major League players won't be at the All-Star Game, but it'll still be exciting. / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Get ready for the 2011 MLB All-Star Game! We don't have A-Rod, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera or David Price."

(FX): "No" buzzer

(voice-over): "CC Sabathia, James Shield and Justin Verlander aren't playing. Felix Hernandez, Cole Hamels and Mack Cain won't be there. Who will be on the field?

(photos): baseball cards

(voice-over): "The Phillie Phanatic, the guy who caught Jeter's 3,000th hit [Christian Lopez], the 80-year-old manager of the Florida Marlins [Jack McKeon], Charlie Sheen and this lucky Kansas City Royals groundskeeper."

(clip): groundskeeper getting rolled under the field rain covering tarp

(voice-over): "The 2011 All-Star Game. It's gonna be sick!"

••• Back to the weekend crime: Dave announces that a recording of the festivities in the lobby of the Ed is now available. We watch with great interest. Wait. What? No! The culprit is not the aforementioned Whittemore. It's our musical director, Mr. Paul Shaffer. / video:
(FX): glass breaking

(Paul, swinging a bat): "Yeah, you stole the best 29 years of my life! Yeah! Screw you and this God-forsaken place! Rot in hell, Letterman, you wrinkled old bastard! Ya!"

(Dave calls a halt to the exhibition.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I just bought a brand new barbecue brush." ••• desk chat: Dave has some thoughts on the weekend break-in, already being called the Crime of the Century.
  • Sunday, 6:30 a.m.: man urinates on the front door of the Ed, kicks in the front window and crawls through
    "If urinating in New York City is a crime, I'm John Dillinger," Dave announces.
  • Sunday, 6:40 a.m.: smashes the front door, desperate to get out
  • Sunday, 6:50 a.m.: trashes the lobby
  • Sunday, 7:00 a.m.: police from the Midtown North Precinct on the scene
  • Sunday, 7:05 a.m.: suspect erected arrested
••• Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Who Broke Into the Ed Sullivan Theater ••• Emma Watson plugs Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2. ••• In honor of today's date, Jim Keyes, president and CEO of 7-Eleven®, appears onstage for an exciting announcement:
(Jim Keyes): "Thanks, Dave, and thank you, folks. What a day! July 11th. That's 7-11! And as you probably heard all day, 7-Eleven's been giving away free Slurpees. Well, guess what! The fun's not over! Thanks to the amazing generosity of David Letterman, when you visit a participating 7-Eleven® just say 'Dave bakes me happy!' and receive one of our delicious bakery-fresh Blueberry Cobbler Muffins! Plus, you can enter to win our Grand Prize: a four-day U.S. Open tennis package this September in New York, with hotel, airfare, VIP tickets to the matches, and of course, more free Slurpees! Wow, what a vacation! Tennis fans will love it, am I right? And it's all thanks to the generosity of that man right there, David Letterman! So visit 7-Eleven® now through Friday and says 'Dave bakes me happy,' get your free Slurpee and muffin, and enter to win the U.S. Open tennis vacation! Happy 7-11, and I'll see you all at 7-Eleven®! Look for us on Twitter and Facebook."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• George Lopez plugs Lopez Tonight. ••• Incubus sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with short credits: a clip of Paul trashing the theater lobby

7/12/11 [3519]: It's hot. Dave Price of The Early Show has a rundown of what to expect. / video:

(clip): We see Dave in front of the weather forecast.





















(Dave): "Tuesday I think we'll see more of the same: in the mid-120s. And as we head into Wednesday, a little spike in the temperature: close to 130°, but we're gonna see a front pass, and that's gonna make temperatures really comfortable, as we head into the evening hours at about 110°. Up to 132° Thursday, but rolling into the weekend, what a nice weekend for the beach at 137°, with a chance of a T-storm cooling things down, to just about 120° at night. That's..."

••• There was another odd incident at the Ed Sullivan Theater last night. Take a look at this from CNN:
(photo): Ed Sullivan Theater entrance

(voice-over): "Just days after a shocking break-in, the famed Ed Sullivan Theater has been broken into once again. What made this incident even more perplexing was the intruder forced his way in, trying to improve the quality of the jokes."

(clip): Two policemen arrest the intruder at a writer's computer.

(voice-over): "Don ?? ... CNN."

••• How about that Home Run Derby last night? We see Robinson Cano hitting, and my, does that ball sail... by Times Square, right into a door glass at the Ed Sullivan Theater, where we hear a security guard grumbling about the mess. ••• Did you see President Obama's press conference? / video:
(Obama): "...that is not acceptable for us not to..."

(behind the president): A Chinese soldier replaces the Seal of the President of the United States with the flag of China. We hear their national anthem as the president continues.

(Obama): "...raise the debt ceiling, and to allow the U. S. Government to default. We cannot..."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Big Surprise: Our old friend, Regis Philbin, appears from backstage, and decides to co-host tonight's telecast. Dave and Regis have a visit for a while. ••• Regis and Dave present the Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad All-Star Game. ••• Roseanne Barr plugs her Lifetime reality show, Roseanne's Nuts. She's taken to growing macadamia nuts. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat with co-host Regis ••• Tom Felton plugs Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2. ••• Blake Shelton sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/13/11 [3520]: Sherwood Schwartz, the famous creator of Gilligan's Island, died on July 12. / video:

(clip of Sherwood)

(voice-over): "Legendary American television producer Sherwood Schwartz passed away yesterday at the age of 94. After creating such iconic television series as Gilligan's Island and The Brady Bunch, Schwartz enjoyed his retirement years living a quiet, peaceful life, until he saw this recent news report."

(female reporter): "Florence Henderson, a.k.a. Carol Brady, says that she got crabs in the 1960s after having a one-night stand with then-New York Mayor John Lindsay."

(voice-over): "Michael Sullivan, CNN."

••• A drunken, out-of-work actor broke into the Ed Sullivan Theater over the weekend. He has since apologized to all involved. To put this in perspective, let's go for the first time ever to the "Late Show Apology Board." / animation: We see a scoreboard (probably better described as a tote board) with two sections: "Apologies Made by Dave," and "Apologies Made to Dave." As of this evening, the total is 7,213 to 1. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
A woman in Orange County, California cut off a man's deal on Monday. The staff were able to contact the victim, Earl Drucker, and we have him here on our stage. (I wonder if he's any relation to Sam Drucker, the famous storekeeper in Hooterville.) Anyway, "Earl" comes out, who we immediately recognize as our old friend, Gerard Mulligan.
(Dave, giggling): "Earl, welcome to the show. I understand you're doing fine. Now, um, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this happened to you. Now, how is everything going?"

(Earl): "Hey, I'm not complaining. It's the first time she touched it in 15 years."

(Anton Fig): rim shot

(Earl): "Good night, America!"

••• desk chat: If you get into a conversation about the national debt, always answer, "Yeah, but what about the 14th Amendment?" ••• Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money ••• The lovely Shannon Eis is in with summer toys. Tonight she has:
  1. Agent Black Remote Control Water Gun Car ($75)
    You drive it around and it squirts stuff. (The squirter's on the side.) Dave observes that it's like having a young puppy in the house.

  2. Happy Hot Dog Man ($10.99)
    You put a wienie in it, and it cuts it up to make sort of a stick man.

  3. Max Force Terrornator with Bandolier Belt ($40)
    It's a high-tech spit ball gun!

  4. Air Swimmers Flying Shark ($39.99)
    It's a remote control helium-filled plastic shark.

  5. Ice Meister Slicer All-Season Sled ($79.99)
    Dave takes it for a spin around the stage. You freeze slabs of ice, place them on the bottom of the thing and go!
••• Ryan Gosling (who arrives onstage via the Ice Meister All-Season Sled), plugs Crazy, Stupid, Love. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Ryan Gosling ••• Gomez sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with short credits: a clip of the All-Season Sled

7/14/11 [3521]: oops: Cue card technician Tony Mendez was a bit late moving into position. He does his revisions at stage left. Dave thanks the audience for continuing to applaud until Tony arrived aside Dave Dorsett's camera. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Georgia who's wearing a gray Late Show t-shirt. ••• monologue: Dave gets the Late Show aahoogah horn two times. ••• The state of New York is considering legalizing gay marriage, and others are, as well. / video:

(voice-over): "The state of Utah is very conservative, but we are changing with the times. While we'll never approve gay marriage, the Utah legislation has now legalized marriage between a man and a woman with a slight mustache."

(clip): a bride with a bit of a mustache

(voice-over): ""Utah. Where gay means happy."

••• There was an accusation recently that the Democratic party is improperly using the White House for fundraisers, which brings us to "White House Donor Levels." / video:
(title graphic)


  • "Silver Level - an exclusive private tasting with the White House chef"
    photo of the chef

  • "Gold Level - an overnight stay in the Lincoln bedroom"
    photo of the Lincoln bedroom

  • "Platinum Level - sit on President Obama's lap during Oval Office address"
    photo of a man on Obama's lap

(Obama): "This milestone should serve as a reminder to all Americans."

(voice-over): "Visit whitehouse.gov for more information."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a plug for the Alan Kalter Book Club (Please, no dudes.) ••• "Harry Potter Through the Years" / video:
(title graphic and John Williams music)

(photos): Harry Potter at 11, 14 and 17

(photo): Mr. David Letterman as Harry Potter at 84, making his signature Late Night "I been hyp-mo-tized" face

(title graphic)

••• Chris Evans of Captain America: The First Avenger presents the Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Superhero. ••• Kyra Sedgwick plugs The Closer. She has a shout out for Biff Henderson, who worked with her on Another World. ••• desk chat: The airwaves are a public trust, and CBS operates under the stipulations of the federal Communications Act of 1934, as well as FCC rules. However, from time to time there are changes. Alan Kalter provides helpful updates. /
(Alan): "Thank you very much, Dave. First, you the home viewer understand that by watching the Late Show, you may encounter material that you deem to be offensive, indecent, objectionable, hackneyed, stale, cliched, trite, unimaginative and uninspired. To avoid muscle, joint or eye strain while watching the Late Show, you should take frequent breaks, and take a longer rest if you experience any soreness, fatigue or discomfort. A small percentage of viewers may experience seizures or blackouts when exposed to Dave. Symptoms may include dizziness, nausea, involuntary movements, loss of awareness, altered vision, tingling, numbness or other discomforts. This just a friendly reminder from the Late Show and the United States Surgeon General. Enjoy the rest of the show! Back to you, Dave."

(Dave, to Alan): Thank you very much."

(Dave, to the home viewers): "By the way, if you agree to these new terms and conditions, click ENTER now on your remote control, OK?"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tim Harmston does stand-up. ••• Nikki Jean sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/15/11: REPEAT FROM 2/03/11

7/18/11 [3522]: Rupert Murdoch's News of the World ceased publication on July 10 after it was learned that employees at the paper hacked phone accounts of individuals to get news, which brings us to "News of the World Scandalous Phone Call of the Night!" / video.

(title graphic)

(unknown female)? "Hello."

(Prince Charles): "Yes, is Geoffrey there?"

(female): "I think you have the wrong number."

(Prince Charles): "Oh. Sorry."

••• Donald Trump has a new grandson. / photo: ridiculous, flowing hair, just like Donald's ••• Over the weekend, another drunk, out-of-work actor broke into the Ed Sullivan Theater, and we have his mugshot. / photo: It's Nick Nolte's booking photo from 2002. ••• "Michelle O'Bachmann Says 'Chutzpah' " / video:
(title graphic)

(Bachmann in a clip): "The president doesn't want to have to be confronted with priorities and spending, because he has a lot of chootspa."

(FX): "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• It's the CBSO with U2's "Beautiful Day" and Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. The Late Show wasn't nominated for a 2011 Emmy by name, but Jerry Foley was nominated for Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Series for episode 3333 of 6/25/10, with the Jay Z / Eminem concert on the roof of the Ed. (ed. note: I thought it was outstanding work by all involved.)

  2. Every year, Paul Shaffer and the CBSO serve as house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. Paul is nominated in the category Outstanding Music Direction. It's no accident that Paul and the CBSO have been invited back in this capacity 26 times!

  3. LSDL Executive Producer Matt Roberts was nominated for an Emmy as a special contributor for the 64th Annual Tony Awards.
••• desk chat: Dave has two obscure musical instruments, sent by Gay Begley, band director at Tates Creek Middle School in Lexington, Kentucky. One is a vibraslap. The other, says Felicia Collins, is a flexatone. Dave puts them through their paces. ••• Over the weekend, the Letterman family celebrated the 90th birthday of Dave's Mom, Dorothy, which is actually today. / via satellite to Indianapolis and Dorothy, as she presents the Top Ten Pieces of Wisdom from Dave's Mom. ••• Here's a bit of a surprise: Spider-Man slowly drops from the rafters of the theater to hang next to Dave for a bit. Maybe he can put a stop to the weekend break-ins. ••• Bono (Paul David Hewson) and The Edge (David Howell Evans) plug Broadway's Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• We visit with Spidey again. ••• It's more with Bono and The Edge. In the Siskel & Ebert seats, they do "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of." ••• The cast of Spider-Man perform "Freak Like Me" onstage. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/19/11 [3523]: On June 8, I was visiting with Pat Farmer on 53rd St. about Oprah transcripts when he had to excuse himself to tape an "It's so hot" segment in which he melted on the sidewalk. He's at it again. We go outside to 53rd St. to check in with Pat. It's a different take this time. /

(Dave, to a cameraman): "Do you mind going out there? Yeah. And this will give us an indication how hot it is today in New York City."

(Dave): "There's Pat Farmer. There he is! Hi, Pat. How're ya doin?"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Is it hot out there, Pat?"

(Pat): "It's very hot, Dave... very hot."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Pat): "It's so hot the camera melted."

(Cut to a sad-looking cameraman, holding a molten camera.)

(Dave): "The camera melted!"

(Pat, joining the cameraman): "The camera didn't really melt, Dave. It's just a prop."

••• "Reasons the Late Show Wasn't Nominated for an Emmy Award" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(clip from last night): Dave's playing the flexatone, making far-out sounds.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Reasons the Late Show Wasn't Nominated for an Emmy Award.' "

••• "Presidents and Jokes That Fell Flat" / video:
(title graphic and theme music)

(episode title): "BARACK OBAMA, JULY 18, 2011"

(Obama): "Richard was also a five-time Jeopardy champion. All the answers at his confirmation hearings will be in the form of a question." (silence) "That's a joke."

(episode title): "BRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT, MARCH 4, 1933"

(FDR): "My wife, Eleanor, is so ugly, she once got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

(FX): rim shot

(crowd): booing

(FDR): "What? What'd I say?"

(title graphic and theme music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. Rupert Murdoch was testifying before Parliament today when he was hit in the face with a pie. ••• Hold on. Change of plans. We go outside to Broadway to play "Who's Breaking Into the Ed Sullivan Theater?" / Alan Kalter: "Dave... breaking into the Ed Sullivan Theater tonight is Matt Lauer!!!!" / outside cam: Matt's at the front entrance, wielding a large, galvanized garbage can. It turns out that it's a lifelong dream for him to break into the Ed, and break in he does, smashing several panes of glass. ••• Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack ••• outside cam: Matt Lauer has a sizable piece of glass protruding from his chest. He seems to be experiencing some lightheadedness. In case he hasn't noticed, he is bleeding profusely, as well. ••• Steve Carell plugs Crazy, Stupid, Love. ••• Abby Wambach and Hope Solo of the U. S. Women's Soccer Team. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• outside cam: Abby Wambach, Hope Solo and Dave are under the marquee on Broadway. There's a line of van-type cabs with their side doors open, ready to drive past them as targets. Hope eventually nails a penalty kick, right into the passing cab! / replay ••• The Del McCoury Band and The Preservation Hall Jazz Band perform. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/20/11 [3524]: The United States is in a heat wave, now called a heat dome. Here's the latest. / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(photo): U. S. heat index map

(voice-over): "This is a National Weather Service heat advisory. Much of the United States is experiencing extremely high temperatures. While the heat wave persists, many municipalities will open cooling centers. Outdoor events may be cancelled."

(cut to the shirtless voice-over announcer): "Also, I'll be shirtless. Stay tuned for more bulletins from the National Weather Service."

••• Rupert Murdoch was attacked on July 19 while testifying at the big phone hacking hearing. A guy in a plaid shirt, Jonnie Marbles, reportedly got him in the face with a pie. / interruption:
(Alan Kalter): "Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dave, Dave, Dave."

(Dave): "Jonnie..."

(Alan): "What did you say, Dave?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry, Alan?"

(Alan): "What did you say?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry..."

(Alan): "What did you say?"

(Dave): "I said the guy's name is Jonnie Marbles."

(Alan Kalter, steamed): "MY name is Jonnie Marbles."

(Cut to Alan, with gigantic eyebrows, a bow tie, suspenders, clown shoes, extremely baggy blue jeans, etc. Sue Hum had quite a time with this little outfit.)

(Dave): "Yes, I know, Alan. You're..."

(Alan Kalter, stomping out of the theater): "Damn it! Damn it! Oh!"

(Dave): "You're Jonnie..."

(We hear gunplay offstage, or some sort of explosion, and see a cloud of smoke.)

(Alan): screaming censored profanities

••• "People Hit with Pies" (my title) / video:
(voice-over): "While testifying before Parliament, Rupert Murdoch became the latest prominent person to be hit with a pie."

(clip of Bill Gates getting one)

(clip of President Nicolas Sarkozy, I think, getting one)

(voice-over): "Public figures are now tightening their security to avoid similar assaults... except Chris Christie, who welcomes attacks of pies..."

(animation of Gov. Christie, gobbling food)

(voice-over): "...cakes, donuts, ice cream sundaes and baked Alaska. Chris Christie. Fat."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention beach-goers: The Atlantic Ocean will be closed for cleaning until August. Please plan accordingly." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's disturbed about the heat. Is it global warming? Now the people at The Weather Channel have the "feel like" temperature. So Louisville, Kentucky, at 95° F, is now 106° F. Indianapolis, at 96° F, feels like 103° F. Dave's had it with meddling bureacracies telling him what he feels like.

  2. Dave's mom wanted to go to the Grand Canyon on her 90th birthday. So Dave's there, buying his mom a t-shirt for her birthday, and a guy from Seattle approaches him, wanting his grandson to meet him. Grandson couldn't care less. After the whole transaction is over, the wife turns to grandpa with, "Who is that?" Then it turns out Dorothy didn't want to go to the Grand Canyon. She just had a little spell.
••• outside cam to the entrance of the Ed for another episode of "Who's Breaking Into the Ed Sullivan Theater?" / It's Keith Olbermann and his ginormous head! Keith has a golf club... a Burner 9 iron. He keeps costs down by only breaking one pane of glass. ••• It was 42 years ago today that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon. / Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing ••• Jeremy Piven plugs Entourage. ••• With all the uproar over the News of the World phone hacking, Dave wants to do a demo. He's going to use the 1984 phone on his desk to call Alan Kalter's cellular phone. Alan (still in his ridiculous Jonnie Marbles get-up) beseeches Dave to not do that. Dave ignores him. We listen.

(automated answer): "Alan Kalter. You have...one...new...voice...message. First voice message."

(Paul Shaffer's message): "Alan, it's Paul. I'm not sure how much more of this bull      I can take from Dave. I know you said he'd be dead soon, but that       cockroach is gonna live forever! Call me. I'll be up late. Drinking."

••• Army veteran and Purple Heart winner Captain Luis Carlos Montalvan (ret.) and his service dog, Tuesday, visit with Dave. Luis wrote Until Tuesday to advocate having a service dog to assist in rehabilitation after a war injury. / Tuesday gives Dave a hug. ••• Cee Lo Green sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/21/11 [3525]: crime update: It's been four days now since the last nonsanctioned break-in at the Ed Sullivan Theater. ••• monologue: It's been quite a while, but Dave has an impression for us. As an added bonus, the impression is of himself. Dave takes a few moments to adjust his clothing, touch up his hair and prepare himself mentally to portray himself. He turns to face his audience, and in his best dumb guy voice delivers the line, "Uhh, yeah... could I have one senior for Captain America?" ••• Congresswoman Michele O'Bachmann (R-MN) wants to outlaw pornography. / video:

(clips of O'Bachmann)

(voice-over): "Michele Bachmann wants to restore decency to America, so if elected president, she will ban all forms of pornography, including explicit films, magazines and web sites,"

(pics of Girls Gone Wild, Penthouse, Playboy and the Playboy web site with a cute photo of Bree Olson)

(voice-over): "...plus suggestive-looking fruits, vegetables, clouds..."

(photos of cantaloupes, cucumbers and towering cumulous clouds)

(voice-over): "...buildings, constellations, plants, animals, geographic formations, weather maps, states, fictional robots and people."

(photos of the Washington Monument, a tall cactus with two small cacti at its base, Twiki from Buck Rogers and Howie Mandel)

(voice-over): " 'A Message from President Bachmann.' "

••• The Ed Sullivan Theater has had break-ins on two consecutive weekends. We now have an interactive break-in activity. A voice-over on the game says "Smash glass now." / video: We see a young man in his living room, kicking the crap out of his TV screen, pretending to break into the Ed. His wife or girlfriend, portrayed by the lovely Sarah Billington, enters the room and asks, "What are you doing?" He replies, "Oh... I was just vandalizing the Ed Sullivan Theater." Sarah turns and walks away, dismayed at her choice of male companionship. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "A special hello to people who are watching tonight because they can't find their remote control!" ••• Dave's had a great time this week making fun of people who've broken into the theater. The sport is really catching on. / outside cam: We see an orderly line of civilians, led by John Klarl, I believe, armed with various weapons (including a shovel), taking their turns at smashing some door glass under the Late Show marquee. •••
Bono and The Edge were on the show on Monday. They're really nice guys, and offered to do something to help. / video: We see the two famous musicians providing some live elevator music, with The Edge playing some sort of chime instrument, and Bono on vocals. Elevator passengers (and creative directors, digital media, of course) Jay Johnson and Walter Kim couldn't be less interested. (Hey, nice plaid shirts, guys!)
••• Meteorologist Dave Price of The Early Show has the latest forecast for the epic heat wave we're in. / video:
(clip): We see Dave in front of the weather forecast.





















(Dave Price): "Up to 132° Thursday, but rolling into the weekend, what a nice weekend for the beach! About 137°, with the chance of a t-storm cooling things down to just about 120° at night. That's a look at your forecast. Dave, back to you."

••• Top Ten Signs You're Too Damn Hot ••• It's just like the Late Night days, when Dave was always yelling to Barbara Gaines behind the backdrop, with whatever was on his mind. Dave and Gaines, who's about 30 feet from Dave's command module, go back and forth as Dave hollers, "Are the horses here?" (We know from CBS previews that Dave and Harrison Ford are going to ride off into the sunset during Harrison's segment.) I think that during all the commotion, we heard Gaines say, "They're close!" ••• a quick clip with more from Bono and The Edge ••• desk chat: Dave shows a picture, probably from the 1970s, of his friend Tim Thomerson. (Tim played Bob "B.B." Bobington in "True Tales of the Old West" on the Late Show.) ••• Harrison Ford plugs Cowboys and Aliens. Harrison has an awesome joke for us, and he's going to be in big trouble with Calista for telling it. It goes something like this.
(Harrison): "So this guy's workin' in the produce department at the grocery store, and a lady walks up and says, 'Excuse me.' He says, 'Yes.' She says, 'Where's the broccoli? I can't find the broccoli.' He says, 'Oh... I'm really sorry, ma'am. We ran out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning.' And he goes back to his work, and he's stacking the oranges, and he hears behind him, 'Mister, mister.' He turns around, and it's the same lady. She says, 'Where's the broccoli? You got any broccoli?' He says, 'No ma'am. We're fresh out of broccoli. We'll have some tomorrow morning.' He goes back to work. A couple of minutes later, this woman walks right up in his face and she says, 'How come I can't find any broccoli?' He says, 'Lady, do me a favor, will you?' She said, 'What?' He says, 'How do you spell... indulge me... how do you spell cat?' He says, 'Like in catastrophic.' She says, 'C A T.' He says, 'How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?' She says, 'D O G.' He says, 'How do you spell      , like in broccoli?' She says, 'There is no       in' broccoli.' He says, 'That's what I'm tryin' to tell you, lady!' " (Dave and the audience rise to applaud Harrison's delivery.)
••• Act 5: Dave and Harrison ride horses down 53rd Street. ••• Alan Kalter has asked for some time. He's in front of a banner, "Kalter 2012," and he has an important announcement. Unfortunately, we have time for it. We listen.
(Alan): "Thank you, Gomer. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, recently Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann signed a pledge to ban pornography if she is elected president. Now of course not every American agrees with her stance, and I, my fellow Americans, am one of them."

(The lights dim. Saxophone music begins.)

(Alan continues): "Banning pornography is outrageous, inhumane and, not to mention, treasonous. Outlawing pornography is, well, like outlawing our souls! There is nothing more beautiful than watching people getting it on from multiple angles. And that is why I, Alan Kalter, am announcing my candidacy to be America's first pro-pornography president."

(audience cheers and applauds)

(Alan): "Thank you. Join me! Let's make pornography a top priority! Now, who cares about the economy? All I care about is that, that velvety touch of the ragged curtain at the back of my local video store. That's all!"

(Dave): "Alan! Alan!"

(Alan): "Is that... I ask you... is that freedom ringing? No. That's the sound of pure pleasure coming from my television set in high-definition 3D. So when you get into that voting booth, you make sure to pull Alan Kalter's lever."

(Dave): "Alan. Alan, no! I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. We'll be right back with Porcelain Black, everybody."

••• Porcelain Black sing. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/22/11: REPEAT FROM 11/09/10

7/25/11 [3526]: Gay marriage became legal in New York on July 24, and this is exciting. Tonight, the entire balcony of the Ed Sullivan Theater is filled with gay newlyweds! ••• The Ed Sullivan Theater lobby has been broken into and trashed twice since July 10. No more! There's a security camera, and we go live. What? Paul Shaffer explains, "There's a Bar Mitzvah underway in the lobby. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from San Diego. ••• Later into the monologue we take another look at the lobby, and this is most unfortunate. A fight has broken out at the Bar Mitzvah. "This isn't part of the tradition," Paul says. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:

  1. It's hot! Dave reports some recent temperatures nationwide. Wichita: 108°, Washington, D.C.: 102°, Trenton: 104°, New York City: 102°, Newark: 108°. (Why is God punishing Newark?) People are going to be stewed to death in their own juice!

  2. Over the weekend, Harry Letterman announced that he wanted to be a dragon and chase Sully, the Letterman family's Boston Plumber. (We see the traditional photo of Mad Dog Letterman.) The minute they're outside, Sully takes off in a sprint, and isn't seen for an hour. When he eventually gets hungry and comes home, Sully has a Canada goose in his mouth. Dave, the head of the household, pretends to know what to do. He and Harry go out on the golf cart and get Sully. Dave sets out to dispose of the carcass when Harry points out, "Hey, Daddy, the goose is alive!" Now, does Dave run over the goose with the golf cart, or smack it on the head with a shovel? Once out in the weeds, the goose gets out of the cart and walks into the weeds. It's fine! A couple of hours later, Dave checks on it, and the coyotes have gotten it! (Just jokes.)

  3. Where's Paul? / lobby cam: The Jewish people have Paul on a chair. (Paul reports that they're squatters.)
••• Brian Williams comes by for yet another tremendous interview. He was named Broadcaster of the Year in the state of New York, and we actually get a look at the acrylic trophy. Brian always comes with material, and tonight we're treated to a series of Regis Philbin impressions, as the broadcasting organization named Regis to its hall of fame. Dave and Brian have an interesting discussion of politics and posturing over the nation's debt crisis, income tax, the toasty weather, hunger and the end of the space program. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Brian has to hurry back to 30 Rock to deliver the NBC Nightly News, and Dave always likes follow his progress. / outside cam: It's raining in New York, and Brian's walking under a large umbrella. He quickly tires of this, approaches a car at the curb and orders the driver out of the vehicle. Brian then takes the driver's seat and steals the automobile. At least the Broadcaster of the Year hands over the umbrella to the city's latest crime victim. ••• Tim Robbins and the Rogues Gallery Band perform. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Details of the New NFL Agreement]

7/26/11 [3527]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a woman from Santa Fe. ••• Meteorologist Dave Price has the latest forecast for the ridiculous heat wave we're in. / video:

(clip): We see Dave in front of the weather forecast.



"Feels Like"




"Feels Like"




"Smells Like"
Hot Garbage




"Feels Like"




"Feels Like"


(Dave Price): "Tuesday we're gonna spike up just a little, up to 145° or so. "Feels like" temperature is gonna be 155°. So on days like this, this is when you finally say, 'Let's turn on the air conditioning, raise the windows.' It can get uncomfortable on those long car rides. Wednesday, the "smells like" reading: hot garbage. 142° is gonna be the temperature, down to 123° at night. Nice night to sit on the porch! 147° on Thursday. Keep in mind we have a chance of a thunderstorm rolling through. But then, into Friday and the weekend, it's gonna be gorgeous! 147°. That's a look at your forecast. Dave, back to you."

••• President Obama addressed the nation last night. / video: We see the president speaking in front of that long hallway. Oh... this is just a bit disturbing. It's Vice-President Joe Biden, in a robe and carrying a glass of milk, wandering around the hallway. When he see's that the boss is on TV, he waves to the nation. / voice-over: "This has been a message from the President of the United States." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Don Ohlmeyer (the former NBC television executive who fired Norm Macdonald from SNL) would call tonight's Late Show "Big Tent Television."

  2. The elevation in Santa Fe, New Mexico is 7260 ft.

  3. The Letterman family journeyed to the Grand Canyon on the weekend before Dorothy's 90th birthday on July 18. Dave got into some discussions with his staff about how to get to the bottom of the canyon. Dave thought you can take a helicopter, you can hike or they have mules. He says, "Pretty soon a woman who we all have great respect for, and has been with the show for a long, long time... She was saying, because she heard something that she could participate in the conversation, which is rare. And she said, 'I've been to the Grand Canyon.' " Dave asked, 'Was it great?' She said, 'Yes, I went to the Grand Canyon, and I had a great time. I went down on a mule.' "
••• outside cam to 53rd St. to meet Tanner Foust, next to his bright yellow, four-cylinder, 575-horsepower Ford Fiesta rally car, that competes in the X Games. This baby can go 0 to 60 in two seconds! Tanner's an X Games gold medalist, the host of Top Gear, and the record holder for Longest Jump in a Four-Wheeled Vehicle. We see a clip from the Indy 500 on May 29, when Tanner jumped the car 332 feet! Tonight Tanner's going to drift park the Fiesta between two cabs, next to the side entrance of the Ed Sullivan Theater. We'll back to Tanner shortly. ••• Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Win Over the Republicans •••
OK... it's time for Tanner's stunt, but first the Weather Report:
86° F, 66% humidity, barometer 29.78 (steady), wind 6 mph and visibility 10 miles

Tanner revs up the Fiesta, and right in the middle of 53rd St. he spins it 360° (on purpose, of course). He proceeds just a bit farther down the street when he puts the car in a 180° spin, and parallel parks it perfectly between two cabs, right under the CelebriGum window, it appears. Check out the stunt, under the Ts, in my Video Archives. Watch for Tanner in the X Games on ESPN on July 28.

••• after commercial: a replay of Tanner's stunt ••• Julianne Moore plugs Crazy, Stupid, Love. ••• commercial: It's Dave in a Japanese commercial for Pocky® chocolate covered biscuit sticks. Dave just has to stand in front of a green screen while techno graphics fly around, and eventually say, "Wow! This is a super-fun dessert stick!" At the end of the commercial a curious Paul asks, "Dave, what was that?" "Paul, I just made $10,000,000," a smiling Dave replies. ••• Act 5: Julianne takes a short ride in Tanner's Fiesta. They turn some kitties. ••• Johnny Galecki plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• The Eels sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/27/11 [3528]: "Late Show 3-Second Comedy" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(voice-over): "Congressman David Wu resigns."

(photo of Wu in a tiger suit)

(voice-over): "Hired as Frosted Flakes™ mascot."

(title graphic and peppy theme music)

••• "CBS News Special Report" / video:
(title graphic)

(photos of politicians)

(voice-over): "CBS News can now confirm that in a remarkable display of bipartisanship, Republicans and Democrats have come to terms on a new, long-term agreement, ending the nation's debt crisis. This has been a CBS News Special Report."

••• "CBS News Special Report" / video:
(title graphic)

(photos of politicians)

(voice-over): "CBS News regrets to announce that Republicans and Democrats have not reached an agreement to end the nation's debt crisis. A buddy of mine in Washington was just screwing with me. We now return you to Late Night with David Letterman."

••• A 100-year-old woman was recently crowned Miss Alabama Nursing Home. Dave takes a moment to congratulate Joan Rivers. / photo: Joan's wearing a tiara, and her sash says "Do not resuscitate." We're all very happy for her. ••• MSNBC Morning Joe / video:
(anchor): "Republicans and Democrats alike get in a room, and, and work this out?"

(Rep. Steny Hoyer D-MD answers the question, as two politicians have a knock-down, drag-out fight in the background.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a plug for Late_Show on Twitter. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's excited to have Craig Ferguson of the Late Late Show on tonight.

  2. Dave's sick to his stomach. The police may be looking for him, and it's his own fault. On Sunday he was coming to the city. He switched vehicles, but didn't move his E-ZPass®. He has the play-by-play of realizing that he didn't have it, but cars are stacking up behind him, honking. As a gentleman who always try to do the right thing when it's convenient, he sneaked into the city like an illegal alien. Dave calls for Gaines to contact the E-ZPass® people so he can confess. She's on it.
••• In California, a guy dropped his wallet into a manhole. He got stuck trying to retrieve it. (We see a photo of his legs sticking out above ground, and he'll be the source of tonight's TTL.) ••• By the way, Gaines reports that she has an 800 number, but Dave doesn't want a recording. He wants a real person, so he can confess and pay his debt to society. As contacting them isn't proving to be quick, Dave asks Gaines to contact her rabbi, Rabbi Kleinbaum, instead. ••• Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Guy's Mind ••• after commercial: Gaines and Matt Roberts are still trying to contact E-ZPass® or her rabbi. It's too bad calling on the phone isn't quite as speedy as driving through the toll booth. ••• Craig Ferguson plugs the Late Late Show, which airs sometime on CBS, we understand. ••• Gaines's rabbi isn't available. Now giving up on calling E-ZPass® or a clergyman, Gaines tries for Regis. He's at a gym, so we visit with Joy Philbin instead. ••• Act 5: We see footage of Regis working out. ••• Connie Britton of Friday Night Lights ••• Anna Calvi sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/28/11 [3529]: Gay marriage became legal in New York on July 24, and between now and Labor Day, all lifeguards in New York state will perform gay marriages. Dave asks if there are any gay married couples in the audience. The ever-reliable horn section raise their hands and play along, but Bruce Kapler shies away from that confession, instead pointing at Al Chez and Tom "Bones" Malone. ••• Earlier this month, officials in India took action to stop two monkeys from getting married, which brings us to an episode of "The Monkey Bachelorette." (Note: The parts of the monkeys will be played, as usual, by chimpanzees.) / video:

(photo of a sad monkey)

(voice-over): "Last season, Susie had her heart broken, but now she's ready to try again with a new group of suitors."

(composite of nine monkeys and/or baboons or gorillas)

(voice-over): "Will she choose the handsome, athletic Stu, the roguishly charming car thief, Mitch, the wealth-but-distant Robert?"

(clips of various monkey shines)

(voice-over): "And when a monkey party gets out of hand, will tragedy interrupt Susie's search for love?"

(clip of gunplay, involving an actual monkey)

(voice-over): "The Monkey Bachelorette: the shocking new season. Only on ABC."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Movie Fun Fact": Cowboys and Aliens is based on a true story. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave and Paul agree on some unneeded painting. Biff Henderson is dispatched to get the project set up.

  2. Then Dave fusses about a ¼-inch spot on his yellow tie. This brings us to another installment of a feature first seen in May, "What Would Chris Rock Do?" / video:
    (title graphic and rock theme)

    (Chris): "I'd hit that         with a stain stick, and wash that                on Gentle."

    (title graphic)

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. Dave calls out writer Joe Grossman, who slapped together the entire list. In honor of Joe's hard work, Dave requests that Joe present tonight's TTL. Dave compliments Joe on his attire, "That's a good look, by the way... the t-shirt, the pocket tee and the hoodie." After a tutorial on delivering a TTL, since Joe probably doesn't watch the show, he gets started. / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Letting Your Monkey Get Married / 9. Should he get a pre-nup to protect his bananas? 8. Do I get along with the monkeys-in-law? 5. Can the bride's father pay for the wedding on his circus pension? 4. Am I ready to attend the creepiest bachelor party of my life? 1. Does Men's Wearhouse rent urine-proof tuxedos? ••• after commercial: We have paint! ••• Kirstie Alley plugs Organic Lesbian Liaison. (Tony Mendez gets Dave straightened out on the correct title.) Kirstie has some things on her agenda, since Dave has made a few dozen jokes about her weight over recent years. She's come loaded with a few examples, and takes over the interview to read them. Kirstie's eager to patch things up with Dave, so numerous times she reminds Dave that he loves her. ••• Paul starts painting his area yellow. ••• We go to Joe Grossman in the green room. Dave informs him that Kirstie's very upset about the fat jokes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, with "The Late Show Sucks Up to the FCC." / "Looking good, FCC commissioner Robert McDowell!" ••• Louis C.K. does stand-up. ••• Fountains of Wayne sing. ••• with credits: Joe Grossman in the green room ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/29/11: REPEAT FROM 3/03/11

8/01/11 [3530]: [All or most of the bright yellow paint that Paul applied to his part of the set on Thursday's episode is gone.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Canada wearing a Late Show shirt. Dave will pick on him from start to finish. ••• Hey... there wasn't a single break-in at the Ed Sullivan Theater all weekend! ••• Our beloved federal government finally came to an agreement today on the national debt ceiling, etc., and all involved are exhausted. This brings us to a clip from Morning Joe on MSNBC. / video:

(David Gregory of Meet the Press): "That's the underlying issue, as Tom just said, and Arianna was referring to. These fights are not over yet."

(now to a two shot of Gregory and Tom Brokaw, who is sound asleep)

(Gregory): "What's the role of our government, particularly in times of economic distress? Entitlement spending: 62% of the budget. Tax reform..."

(Tom): "Zzzzzzzzzzzz."

••• Odd Dave: Dave blows into the microphone, resulting in a strange sound. ••• from CBS's The Early Show:
(Senator Amy Klobuchar, D-MN): "This is the ninth innning. The time for political posturing is over."

(in the background): We see two well-dressed men, presumably politicians, shaking hands.

(Klobuchar): "These votes are votes, and they had to take place..."

(Oh, good Lord. They're kissing! Ewww.)

(Klobuchar): "...to really get the ball moving, and now is the time for the real negotiations."

(Now they're really going at it.)

(Klobuchar): "I think one of the things the American people have to understand. Believe me, I'm appalled by this. I'm a first-time Senator..."

(voice-over): "We'll return after these messages."

[THIS JUST IN: Mike McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette reported on August 2 that the two politicians were played by Creative Directors, Digital Media Jay Johnson and Walter Kim.]

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• premiering tonight: It's a new Top Ten montage. A gentleman flips the yellow pages of a legal pad to represent the 10 entries. Josh Groban sings the Top Ten Rejected Josh Groban Songs. It was an awesome idea and performance. ••• James Franco plugs Rise of the Planet of the Apes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dianna Agron plugs Glee: The 3D Concert Movie. ••• Christina Perri sings "Arms" from her new album, Lovestrong. I thought she did a great job. ••• Dave says, "Good night, Canada!" ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/02/11 [3531]: cold open: We see a group gathered at Dave's command module, including executive producers The Stangels, Barbara Gaines, Jude Brennan, and writer Bill Scheft. A cheerful Dave emerges from the backdrop.

(Dave, to Eric at his desk): "Hey. Hey, you're in my chair. What are you guys doin' here? Hey!"

(Jude Brennan): "It's called rehearsal, dumbass."

(Dave): "Rehearsal? You rehearse this show?"

(Dave, smacking his forehead): "Oh. Wow! OK."

(Jerry Foley): cues opening montage

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to two guys wearing Late Show shirts. ••• The national debt situation is going to impact all of us. / photo: We see Abraham Lincoln, at his comfy marble chair in the Lincoln Memorial, in his underpants. ••• monologue: Dave consults with cue card technician Tony Mendez on a Tiger Woods joke.
(Dave): "Yeah, he's comin' back to the PGA, and it's fascinating... gonna be interesting to see how he does, because Tiger hasn't, hasn't played... uhhh... uhhhh...."

(Dave walks over to Tony and whispers): "Played a round. Played a round."

(Tony): "That's the punchline."

(Dave): "No. He hasn't played a round in four months. He's played golf. He hasn't played around."

(Dave goes back to his mark, then returns to grab the cue cards, sending Tony over to do the joke.)

(Tony begins, but Dave interrupts to interrogate Tony about stains on his shirt.)

(Tony): "Tiger Woods hasn't played a round in three months. Let me rephrase that. He hasn't played golf in three months. I'm sure..."

••• "Game Show Hosts and Crime" / video:
(title graphic and 70s game show theme)

(photo of Burke Hardware)

(photo of a smiling Gene Rayburn)

(voice-over): "While attempting to foil a hardware store robbery in 1976, Match Game host Gene Rayburn got a rake handle shoved up his "blank."

(photo of Gene Rayburn, looking like he has a rake handle up his "blank")

(voice-over): "A Mark Goodson - Bill Todman production."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Time flies by. Victoria Lily Shaffer (born April 8, 1993) will soon be going to college!

  2. This week is the one-year anniversary of the Chilean miners getting trapped underground for 69 days. To help us celebrate the anniversary, we have all 33 miners with us in the green room. Jerry cuts to Biff outside the green room. There's lots of pounding. Biff's agitated. He's got the door handle in his hands. "Shut up," he hollers inside. That's sort of too bad, as the green room is low on cookies. "That's show biz," Dave says.
••• Julie Chen presents the Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of Big Brother. ••• Ricky Gervais plugs Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kat Deeley plugs Do You Think You Can Dance. ••• Explosions in the Sky sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Biff's still trying to get the miners out of the green room.

8/03/11 [3532]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a woman in the audience whose pre-show question was apparently, "How's your colon?" Dave will make the most of the opportunity during the telecast, and Paul Shaffer and the CBSO have an impromptu theme song. ••• monologue: The people in Pakistan thought Osama's compound was George Clooney's place. Do we have a picture? Well, yes we do, if you want another look at Derek Jeter's place! (x2) ••• monologue: "What were Osama bin Laden's last words? 'Come in.' " ••• interruption: A woman of retirement age, shall we say, strolls onstage in some sort of glittery gold show biz outfit, looking for Topo Gigio. She'll be downstairs if we need her. •••

Oh, no! The lady caught Alan Kalter's eye. He says, "Dave. Dave! I'll be downstairs too," as he sprints offstage. Not so fast, Alan. Dave calls for a do-over. Alan was supposed to say his line while running offstage to stalk her. Dave calls him back. Moments later, Alan and Dave switch places, and Dave runs through it for Alan, adding a 360° spin at mid-stage. Then Gaines calls for another try. Alan gives it his all, but Dave's goofy body language takes the prize.
••• Voters described last week's behavior of Congress during the debt crisis debate as disgusting, stupid and ridiculous. / "Ways to Cut the Budget" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(photo of a tunnel through a mountain)

(voice-over): "From now on, all tunnels will be 75% smaller."

(animation): An 18-wheeler speeds up to the tunnel entrance, doesn't fit and is engulfed in flames.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching!"

••• Security in Washington, D.C. is nuts. Look what they've done to the Lincoln Memorial. / animation: A tourist man stands at the feet of Abraham Lincoln's marble statue, ready to take a photo. Just like a hungry frog, Abe's giant tongue unfurls from his mouth and gobbles up the tourist in one swift move. We then hear a bit of crunching as Abe chows down. ••• Michael Z. McIntee with Big Show Highlights (since Alan ran downstairs to pursue the old lady), and "Late Show Trivia": "To make Dave appear to talk, we put peanut butter on the roof of his mouth." ••• desk chat: All kinds of critters have recently escaped from their habitats, including the Egyptian cobra, a coyote, a black rhino (killed two at the Port Authority), a black-footed ferret, and now, a peacock escaped from the Situation Fine Zoo. Huh? Dave checks in with Tony. He was supposed to report that the peacock escaped, then tell us that the situation is fine. Anyway, this was a set-up for "Zoo Escapes: A Look Back" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "In October 2010, a kangaroo escaped from the Central Park Zoo, and attacked a man in Midtown."

(animation): We see Dave at his command module. A disagreeable kangaroo kicks Dave repeated about the face and cranium.

(voice-over): "Stay safe, America."

••• Top Ten Least Popular Ice Cream Flavors / #5: Rocky Road to Economic Recovery #4: Frozni Mubarak #3: Mint Chocolate Tick #2: Banana Schwarzenegger Shriver Split ••• outside clip: Emma Stone posing for photographers on 53rd St. ••• Emma Stone plugs The Help. Dave's fascinated with her light blue eyes, and calls for a close-up. They are awesome, but I was more interested in her beautiful legs! She was quite an agreeable guest, and we'll see her again. Emma told Dave that she's naturally blonde, but dyes her hair red. (She's of Swedish descent.) Emma's best friends with Taylor Swift, which makes me sort of jealous. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a promo for tomorrow's telecast, "It's such a big show, you'll wish you had three eyeballs!" ••• Alan Mulally, the CEO of the Ford Motor Company, has an interesting visit with Dave, who clearly warms up to him, taking the time to review his previous successes at Boeing. Alan has brought with him Ford's new electric 2012 Ford Focus, which can go 75 miles on a charge. Dave, Alan and a couple of models load up in the Focus™ for a test drive across the stage. [This was made possible because of the heavy-duty reinforcement steel beams placed under the stage for elephant acts during the Ed Sullivan era. Tony Mendez pointed them out to me a few years ago.] Anyway, Dave gives Gaines's podium a gentle nudge with the front bumper, but she survives. ••• Eddie Brill delivers a one-of-a-kind home game, "How's Your Colon?", to the audience lady who started tonight's foolishness. ••• Sallie Ford and The Sound Outside sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/04/11 [3533]: monologue: "Summer... I mean, goin' by too quick, don't you think? I was just looking at my calendar. Tomorrow, my son comes home from Scientology camp." ••• There was a strange segment on FoxNews today about the president's 50th birthday. / video:

(clip of the president and musical fanfare)

(voice-over): "Today, August 4th, is President Barack Obama's 50th birthday. It's interesting to note that other people who have celebrated 50th birthdays include Vladimir Lenin and Karl Marx."

(photos of the Commies)

(FX): "Coincidence?" superimposed on the Commies' photos

(voice-over): "We'll be back with more news, after this."

••• Barack Obama had to compromise a bit to get the debt ceiling legislation passed. / "President Obama's Capitulations" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "No increase in tax revenues. Substantial cuts to Medicare and Social Security. President Obama will vacate the Oval Office and work out of the basement of the Interior Department."

(clip of Obama in the basement): "This milestone should serve as a reminder to all Americans that the future is ours to shape."

(voice-over): "This has been 'President Obama's Capitulations.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and the answer to last night's quiz: "False. Charcoal briquettes do not make a healthy, delicious summer snack." ••• Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday ••• Colin Farrell plugs Fright Night. He asks for support for a syndrome his son has been diagnosed with: cureangelman.org. ••• Commander Chris Ferguson of STS-135 visits with Dave about the last shuttle flight. He was quite diplomatic about Barack Obama's cancellation of funding for the manned spaceflight program. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Happy belated birthday to staffers Justin Stangel and Paul Masella." ••• Dave shows a 10-inch album cover ••• Typhoon sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/05/11: REPEAT FROM 6/28/11

8/08/11: REPEAT FROM 6/21/11

8/09/11: REPEAT FROM 6/20/11

8/10/11: REPEAT FROM 6/27/11

8/11/11: REPEAT FROM 5/12/11

8/12/11: REPEAT FROM 7/12/11

8/15/11: REPEAT FROM 7/21/11

8/16/11: REPEAT FROM 5/11/11

8/17/11: REPEAT FROM 7/18/11

8/18/11: REPEAT FROM 7/13/11

8/19/11: REPEAT FROM 7/25/11


8/22/11 [3534]: [Last week a Muslim hothead using the alias Umar al-Basrawi (which I expect FoxNews has found a different way to spell), called for a jihad on Daddy for smarting off about al Qaeda leader Ilyas Kashmiri getting exterminated in June. This is the first episode after the big story broke.] ••• monologue: Dave takes full responsibility for the joke. Then he turns the tables on "the guy who wrote it." / office cam: We see writer (and strike captain) Bill Scheft at his desk. When he sees the camera has found him, he exclaims, "What the      !" and scampers out of the place in a hurry. ••• monologue: Dave says, "You're more than just an audience to me. You're more like a human shield." ••• This just in: We have the jihadist's picture, released by the White House: Wait a minute. What is this? It's just Nick Nolte's booking photo from 2002. (And you thought you were going to see Jeter's place!) ••• "Who Hates Dave?" / video:

(title graphic)

(peppy theme music): The writers went tongue-in-cheek with the choice of "Lovin' You Lots and Lots" by the Norm Wooster Singers.

(voice-over): "Al Qaeda, Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Jay Leno, NBC, CBS, the Late Show staff, the Late Show crew, the Late Show studio audience, the Late Show home audience, The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, Dave's neighbors, Dave's mailman, Dave's clergyman, Canadians, the Swiss, the Chinese, Tony Danza, children, men, women, dogs, cats, squirrels, walruses, turtles. We'll be back with Part 2 after these words from Oscar Mayer®."

••• Alan Kalter wtih Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's never had a fatwa on him. He segues to luggage-sniffing dogs in airports. Dave's pal in the ACLU informed him that if a government dog sniffs your luggage, you have the Constitutional right to sniff the dog. Who has rallied around Dave after the threat? Everywhere he goes, people instantly clear the building. He keeps looking for some word or an e-mail expressing support. Eventually the e-mail comes: The George Lopez Show has been canceled.

  2. Tonight's the beginning of Drum Solo Week II.
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. A sandbag lands on Dave's desk. / Cut to a shot of stagehand Gene Szymanski in the rafters. ••• Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through My Mind After Hearing About the Threat ••• Denis Leary plugs Rescue Me, which will end its run in September. He's always been a solid guest. ••• desk chat: Dave expresses his appreciation for the extra security provided by CBS this week. We see two enforcers beside the audience, and two more in the balcony. The camera turns to Alan Kalter, who is carefully frisking a gorgeous woman before she takes her place in the audience. Then Alan offers to frisk the gentleman next to her in line. Ewww. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Elizabeth Cook plugs Elizabeth Cook's Apron Strings, featured on Sirius/XM Satellite Radio. Elizabeth's proud to be a moonshiner's daughter. She has one crazy-assed accent! She's cute. ••• Tony Royster, Jr. does a drum solo. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Joe Jonas live webcast at 8 p.m.]

8/23/11 [3535]: Joining us in the balcony tonight, in the CBS guest seats: Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, who's on the run in Libya because his citizens think he sucks. ••• Dave has survived several days now under the jihad laid on him by the Muslim hothead. Dave takes the time to point out that he didn't write the joke in question. That was the work of writer and strike captain Bill Scheft. / office cam: Scheft's peeking around a corner in his office. He says, "Stop saying my name, ass      !" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and Celebrity Birthdays ••• desk chat:

  1. Nickolas Ashford of Ashford & Simpson died last night, and Paul says the CBSO will be playing his music in tribute tonight.

  2. Jerry Leiber of Leiber and Stoller died on August 22. He wrote "Hound Dog" and "Love Potion No. 9," for example.

  3. There was an earthquake in the Washington, D. C. area today, but Dave wants to talk about weekly fire drills. Nobody wants them, but Dave, The Most Powerful Man in American Broadcasting, can't put an end to them. Then today there's an earthquake, and no fire drill. Dude who does the drills thought it was an inner ear problem.

  4. "Late Show Staffers React to the Jihadist Threat"
    (title graphic)

    (Sue Hum, Costume Designer): "I was worried at first, but you just have to go about your life, right?"

    (Jay Johnson, Creative Director, Digital Media): "It didn't concern me at all, to be honest. It's just unfortunate that these things happen."

    (Jude Brennan, Executive Producer): "Cut out his tongue? There are a hundred easier ways to kill Dave. Believe me, I've made a list."

    (Bill DeLace, Head of Security): "A lot of times when he's walkin' down the stairs ahead of me, I think, 'Just one good push would do it.' "

    (Mary Barclay, Assistant to David Letterman): "I've been putting bleach in his coffee for the last five years. Son of a bitch won't die."

    (title graphic)

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. Suddenly the set's shaking something awful. It must be a 35 on the Richter scale. I think we could all see this coming down Sixth Avenue: It's Dave Dorsett, monkeying with his camera. At least it's not taking the beating Dave gives it with his microphone every night during pre-show questions. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During the East Coast Earthquake ••• Rachel Maddow of MSNBC plugs her upcoming special, Day of Destruction - Decade of War. I think she's a Democrat. ••• desk chat: In light of the jihad, Dave wants to check on everyone on staff to see that they're OK. He checks in with Alan Kalter, Paul, the CBSO and the guy hired to be Dave's double. Hmmm. He's bloodied up pretty good, tie's loose, jacket's off, hair's a mess, but he gives Dave a half-hearted "thumbs up." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The lovely Rose Byrne plugs Damages. ••• Gavin Harrison presents a drum solo. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of Dave Dorsett shaking his camera

8/24/11 [3536]: [Dave's making the most of the fatwa/jihad laid on him last week, and we have the added bonus of an earthquake and an upcoming hurricane.] ••• monologue: "I'm telling you, you couldn't have picked a better time to be in New York City. You know what I'm sayin'? Yesterday: earthquake. This weekend: hurricane. Where do you folks go next? Tripoli?" ••• monologue: "I'll tell ya, I hate it when the natural disasters hit. We've got the hurricane comin', and the young women over there at Flash Dancers... already strappin' themselves to the pole." ••• monologue: "Earthquake... it's unusual to get 'em here in New York. Registered 5.8 on the Richter Scale. 5.8. Hell, I've had bigger heart attacks than that! Thank you. Thank you very much!" ••• monologue: "The earthquake was so strong, the Tea Party shifted to the center!" ••• monologue: "I was thinkin' about this: Even if they don't kill me, it's still an honor just to be fatwa'd." ••• interruption: Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis approaches Dave during the monologue. It goes something like this:

(Dave): "Oh! God! Hi, Kathy."

(Dave, to the North American viewing public): "This is Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis."

(Dave, to Kathy): "Hi. Is everything alright?"

(Kathy): "Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be interrupting whatever you're doing, but the staff is very concerned about the fatwa threat."

(Dave): "Oh, that's, that's very nice. That's really kind of them, but please don't worry. I'm fine, and I think everything's gonna be fine. But thank you again."

(Kathy): "Right... but the concern is that... say the jihadist cuts your tongue out today. Will we continue to be paid through the whole week?"

(Dave): "I, I don't think that's been discussed, honestly."

(Kathy): "OK, but we've come up with a plan to run a whole bunch of repeats for a month... after you've been killed or maimed."

(Kathy, handing a document to Dave): "Do you want a copy?"

(Dave): "Yeah, sure. Thanks."

(Kathy): "OK. Great. I just want to keep you in the loop."

(Dave): "Alright. Thanks, Kathy."

(Kathy): "Watch your back!"

(Dave): "My best to Manny (Mavrikakis)."

••• Dave's had to apologize for a lot of jokes. (Remember Pete Fatovich helping with the Standard Late Night Apology, back in the NBC days?) Dave thinks it's time that everyone knows he didn't write the joke that drew the fatwa. The guy who wrote it is writer/strike captain Bill Scheft. / office cam: It's Bill at his computer. When Dave speaks to him, Bill turns to reveal a gigantic Geraldo Rivera mustache. In his best fake accent, Bill says, "Mr. Scheft no here!" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a plug for Fred Nigro's Fried Fish Shack™, coming to your town soon. (Fred is Dave's accountant.) ••• desk chat:
  1. There are two kinds of people. You have the glass ½ full type, and the glass ½ empty type. Dave says, "I'm one of those guys who drinks from the hose."

  2. There's a brand new show on the Animal Planet, Hillbilly Hand Fishin'. Dave says a hand goes in the water, and comes out as a bloody stump. He has a lot of fun doing hillbilly hollerin'.

  3. The show has a new jingle, with cartoon animated graphics: "FATWA!"

  4. Rachel Maddow, a Late Show guest on Tuesday, was talking about Dave's fatwa last night on her program. / video from MSNBC's The Rachel Maddow Show:
    (Rachel): "Heightened security around the Ed Sullivan Theater this week, after David Letterman was threatened on an al Qaeda web site. This host is keeping a low profile for the time being, only venturing outside when he leaves the office at precisely 9:45 P.M., to get into his electric blue Toyota Prius, and then drives to his home at 97 Fillmore Place in Larchmont, New York... third house from the corner on the left, with the blue shutters. Home security password, sadly, is D-A-V-E. You can also track Dave's whereabouts on the all new NBC News Dave Tracker iPad™ app. More in a moment."
••• Top Ten Signs Muammar Qaddafi Is Hiding in Your Neighborhood ••• Ashton Kutcher appears to plug his new role in Two and a Half Men, wearing a helmet with shield, a heavy flak jacket and, of course, an adorable bow tie. He looks quite a bit like Jesus. One other thing: Prominently displayed on Ashton's well-shielded chest is a bright blue, bumper sticker-sized notice:   NOT DAVE   (See below.) ••• "Late Show Staffers React to the East Coast Earthquake" /
(title graphic)

(Sue Hum, Costume Designer): "It was unsettling. Once it was over, I felt like it was still shaking."

(Jay Johnson, Creative Director, Digital Media): "It seemed like wind buffeting the building at first, but when it lasted so long, I knew it was something else."

(Jude Brennan, Executive Producer): "My first thought was, 'I... wonder... if... the... earthquake... killed... Dave.' "

(Bill DeLace, Head of Security): "Dave has a bunch of Samurai swords on the wall of his office. I imagined them being shaken loose and chopping him into bits."

(Mary Barclay, Assistant to David Letterman): "Open heart surgery. Fatwa. Earthquake. Every time I think my prayer has been answered, the bastard lives."

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rafael Nadal, apparently some big tennis star / Dave and Rafael lob a few balls into the audience. ••• Stewart Copeland drum solo


8/25/11 [3537]: monologue: "It's been a pretty good week. Five days without a fatwa!" ••• Here's a brand new, nine-second-long segment, entitled "No!" / video:

(peppy theme music and title animation: No!)

(split-second clip of Hank Azaria)

(voice-over): "Searching for a new Hank Azaria comedy?"

(peppy theme music and title animation: No!)

Hank's new series, Free Agents, debuts on Sept. 14.

••• monologue: "Here's good news for our good friend, Regis Philbin. We have Regis on the program all the time. Everybody loves Regis Philbin. Celebrated his 80th birthday. Regis celebrated quietly with his money. The good news is firefighters have the cake under control." ••• There's been all kinds of trouble in Libya in recent days. Qaddafi's in hiding. Tripoli has been liberated. / CNN video: Libyans celebrate the collapse of the Qaddafi regime by dancing in the streets. We're not sure where Shecky got this clip. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We have a repeat of the new segment, "No!" ••• Where else do you get two new segments in the same episode? Nowhere... that's where. Here's the second, "My Shrubbery!" / video:
(dramatic theme music and title graphic): a potted bush

(clip): A tank motors over a shrub.

(panicked citizen): "My shrubbery! Hey, ass      . My shrubbery!"

(dramatic theme music and title graphic)

We're not sure where Shecky got this clip, either.

••• desk chat: Ever been to a county fair? Dave went to one last week. They're a lot of fun, but they smell bad. Also, there are lots of harried-looking housewives stumbling through the crowd, looking for their kids. ••• Top Ten Ways Regis Philbin Celebrated His 80th Birthday ••• Paul Rudd plugs Our Idiot Brother. ••• Paul had to travel recently, and the production company gave him a Lincoln Town Car. It broke down on the Van Wyck Expressway, which runs from Queens to the Bronx. A nice young lady stopped and picked up Paul. How could he repay her? Well, what better way than landing her a cameo on Late Show with David Letterman? Allie Brown steps onstage for a bit to take a bow. ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the upcoming recession. He wants to show his Social Security check, made out to him in the amount of $412.55. He's puzzled by the notice at the bottom of the check, "Do not cash or deposit before September 2015." / A serious-looking man appears behind Dave with the admonition, "Think about it, America." He then moseys off the set. ••• Bill Burr does stand-up. ••• Dennis Chambers of Santana presents his drum solo, along with the CBSO. I noticed that Anton Fig was playing along, too. / Dave calls for an encore.

8/26/11: REPEAT FROM 2/07/11

8/29/11 [3538]: [Hurricane Irene (later demoted to a tropical storm) visited New York and New Jersey over the weekend. Apparently the show's staff all made it in today, although Dave lost electricity at home for a while.] ••• [Neil Jason is sitting in for Will Lee tonight.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Canadian guys. ••• interruption: Costume designer Sue Hum enters to deliver hip waders to Dave. They're due back by noon tomorrow, so Dave had better do his wading in a hurry. ••• interruption: Dave checks in with legendary cue card technician Tony Mendez. ••• "Hurricane Warnings Are Better in Spanish" / video: We see Mayor Bloomberg addressing the citizens of New York, making his best attempt to deliver a few sentences in Spanish. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:

  1. Hurricane Irene has come and gone. What a mess! Dave's impressed with Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who when asked about the possibility of looting in NYC said, "This is New York City. People don't loot here. We don't do that kind of thing here."

  2. Dave says, "Some crackpots put a fatwa on me a couple of weeks ago." (Fatwa was Dave's nickname in high school, by the way.) Dave's happy to report his impression that the hurricane has drawn attention away from the fatwa.

  3. (interruption)
    (older lady): "OK. OK, that's it. Come on. Let's go."

    (Dave): "Nobody cares. What?"

    (older lady): "Come on. We don't have to sit through this. Come on. Get your things."

    (Dave): "Excuse me. What's the problem? "

    (older lady): "There's other shows that we can see."

    (Dave): "What's goin' on? Pardon Me. Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on?"

    (older lady, exiting with her husband): "What?"

    (Dave): "What's going on now?"

    (husband): "There's nothing going on."

    (Dave): "Are you leaving?"

    (husband): "Yes, we're leaving!"

    (Dave): "Why is that?"

    (husband, indignant, hands on hips): "Well, it just happens that we're members of al Qaeda, and we don't like to hear this kind of joke."

    (Dave): "Really? Sorry. It's just a joke! I'm sorry, it was..."

    (Paul): "Perfectly nice al Qaeda couple."

  4. Troubles with Dick Cheney's electric heart. / Today video
••• Tough guy Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel™ was in New York, ready to fight the hurricane. Then another reporter was in Battery Park, where he got soaked with sea foam and raw sewage. (video) / Top Ten Things Going Through This Guy's Mind at This Moment ••• Jason Sudeikis plugs A Good Old Fashioned Orgy. ••• Bettina Luescher of the World Food Programme visits with Dave about world hunger, and what we can do. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Habitat for Humanity, to help those who had property damage in the hurricane ••• more Bettina Luescher ••• St. Vincent sing. (The lead singer's real name is Annie Clark. She's beautiful, but that performance was pretty far out there.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a clip of the al Qaeda couple taking a powder

8/30/11 [3539]: [18th ANNIVERSARY ON CBS] ••• CBS acknowledges the anniversary prior to the opening montage. ••• "Questions You Should Not Ask a Man with No Pulse" is a segment in honor of Dick Cheney, who's on a promotional tour for his new book. ••• After the usual video of Cheney explaining his lifesaving gadgets, we see writer Joe Grossman in his office. / video:

(reporter): "...and you would do it again in a heartbeat."

(FX): "No" buzzer

(Joe Grossman): "Hi. I wrote that piece. See, she asked Cheney if he'd do it again in a heartbeat, but he doesn't have a pulse, because of his left-ventricular assist device. I read about it in Parade magazine. I'd show you the article, but I left it on the bus."

(Joe returns to work.)

••• Everybody loves Congresswoman Michele O'Bachmann's hairstyle, parted on the right. Just go in any hair salon and ask for the "crackpot." / We see Donald Trump sporting the trendy new do. ••• Dave announces the 18th anniversary. We've seen dozens of laughs over the years, and congratulations are coming in from celebrities. We hear from Tom Hanks in this segment, "Celebrity Greetings for the Late Show's Anniversary." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Tom Hanks."

(clip): It's Tom Hanks as Jim Lovell, aboard Apollo 13.

(Michael Z. McIntee, as Tom): "Happy anniversary from me, Hollywood movie star Tom Hanks."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Celebrity Greetings for the Late Show's Anniversary.' "

(title graphic)

••• We hear from America's most important person, Oprah Winfrey, in another "Celebrity Greetings for the Late Show's Anniversary." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Oprah Winfrey."

(clip): We see America's royalty, Oprah, addressing her viewers on a matter of utmost urgency.

(Michael Z. McIntee, as Oprah): "Congratulations, Dave, on the Late Show's 18th anniversary. I love you, girlfriend."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Celebrity Greetings for the Late Show's Anniversary.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Executive producer Jude Brennan appears onstage, in an unusually upbeat mood. Hmm. That doesn't seem right, does it?
(Dave): "Look, ladies and gentlemen, it's Jude Brenneman, one of our exec..."

(Jude): "Brennan."

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Jude): "Brennan."

(Dave): "...Brennan, one of our executive producers. Hi, Jude. Nice to see you. What can I do for you, and by the way, happy birthday to you, too."

(Jude): "Oh, thank you very much!"

(Dave): "Jude's birthday today."

(Jude): "I'm sorry to interrupt whatever it is you're doing here, but on behalf of the staff, I wanted to present you with this 18th anniversary gift."

(Dave): "Oh, that's very thoughtful. Thank you very much! That's great. It's, uh, this is gonna be a bestseller, and I think it's gonna be a real page turner. This is Dick Cheney's newest memoir, and I'll crack that open tonight. That's great. Thank you very much, Jude. Thanks for thinking of me. With Liz Cheney. His daughter helped out."

(Jude): "With Liz Cheney. She did help out. And we thought, you know... you could pick up some new tips on torture, and being an [pause]... being an ass      ."

(Dave): "I can use this!"

(Jude): "Uh... ass      ."

(Dave): "Yeah, OK."

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, there's Paul... Shaffer, right over there."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Did you know Alec Baldwin is a descendent of President Benjamin Baldwin? You can look it up." ••• desk chat:
Today it was time for Harry Letterman's back-to-school physical exam. Regina took Harry to the doctor. In the last year he grew 3½ inches, and gained 15 pounds. The doctor said to keep an eye on his weight. Dave recited the usual parameters that were checked. He says Regina reported, "And then they gave him a little prick test." Dave may go see the guy.
••• Top Ten Ways I, Dave, Celebrated My 18th Anniversary at CBS / Dave insults Alec Baldwin with #6: Tried to get a big name celebrity for the program, unfortunately ended up with Alec Baldwin. We see Alec's reaction in the green room. ••• Alec Baldwin plugs 30 Rock. We see his girlfriend, Hilaria Thomas, in the green room. ••• video: the Empire State Building in green light ••• Broadway Joe Namath ••• outside cam: Dave, Alec and Joe play a bit of football on 53rd St. Joe nails a pass to Alec. That's pretty much it. ••• Lenny Kravitz sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: football replay

8/31/11 [3540]: post-hurricane monologue: "I had a lovely morning. I walked up and down Broadway, collecting driftwood." ••• monologue: "How about that Republican presidential candidate, Michele O'Bachmann? Isn't she something? She is now publishing her memoirs, and I thought, 'Well, wait a minute. Why can't we pray that away?' " ••• Here's an exclusive NBC Dateline interview with Dick Cheney. / doctored video:

(title graphic)

(reporter): "Should we still be waterboarding terror suspects?"

(Cheney): "Yes."

(reporter): "Secret prisons?"

(Cheney): "Yes."

(reporter): "Wiretapping?"

(Cheney): "Yes."

(reporter): "Using genital-zapping torture boxes?"

(Cheney): "Yes."

(reporter): "Putting terror suspects in juicers, and making them into terrorist smoothies?"

(Cheney): "Well... with the right approval."

(reporter): "Are you becoming aroused?"

(Cheney): "Yes."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's happy to announce that writer's segment producer Lorraine Galler Ruprecht and former writer Tom Ruprecht had baby Sally on August 15.

  2. Labor Day weekend is coming up. Paul is very displeased that Jerry Lewis won't be hosting his own Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon, which has raised over 2.45 billion dollars. Paul wonders how a performer could agree to go on the broadcast, considering that Jerry won't be allowed on the telethon at all. (Tony Mendez believes that Leno's responsible for this outrage.)

  3. Drum Solo Week II was a big success. How do you top it? / video:
    (clips of past drummers)

    (voice-over): "If you loved Drum Solo Week and Drum Solo Week II, don't miss a moment of the next Late Show theme week the world will be raving about: Drum Sulu Week!"

    (clip of George Takei banging away on a drum set, in what appears to be his first lesson)

    (George): "Catch it right here, on this station!"

••• The Weather Channel had huge ratings during Hurricane Irene. / Top Ten Ways the Weather Channel Can Boost Its Ratings ••• bumper: a photo of Jerry Lewis ••• David Arquette plugs Dancing with the Stars. Dave's old phrase, "goofy as a duck on ether," comes to mind. In fact, Dave introduced him as, "the odd, the always entertaining." ••• Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi can't be found anywhere. Rebel fighters did find his album of photos of Dr. Condoleezza Rice. (I thought Dave made that up the other day. Truth is stranger than fiction.) Anyway, we need to find Muammar. The time has come to ask "What Would Chris Rock Do?" / video:
(title graphic and hard rock theme song)

(Chris): "I'd call me up some Navy Seals and shoot that                in the ass!"

(title graphic)

(That's right. Chris used the "mother" of all cuss words to make his point.)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Habitat for Humanity, to help those who had property damage in the hurricane ••• Aubrey Plaza plugs NBC's Parks and Recreation. She's a real cutie, and has awesome legs. Aubrey had a stroke at the ridiculous age of 20, and she tells us all about how that played out. I love her deadpan sense of humor. ••• Thurston Moore sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/01/11 [3541]: [A guest guitarist, Mike Muller, is in for Felicia Collins.] ••• Tonight's audience shout outs (and lots of them) will be to Canadians. ••• "Highlights from the Dick Cheney Memoir" / audio sample:

(title graphic and theme)

(dramatic reading): "Chapter 12: An excerpt from my unpublished erotic novel. Don Rumsfeld stepped out of the shower, beads of moisture glistening on his muscular torso. As a drop of water danced its way down his back to his supple thighs, he dabbed at it with his towel, and quietly I yearned to be that towel."

••• monologue: "Now here's one of those weird things. Listen to this. Recently in Massachusetts, President Obama's uncle was arrested with a... for a DUI - driving under the influence - and here's the odd part. Here's the ironic part of the story. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating." ••• monologue: Dave likes to tell recent family gathering stories about his Uncle Earl Hofert. Uncle Earl passed on in April, 2009. For example: "We're all excited because this year, Uncle Earl will announce that he's turned his life around, thanks to the Bachmanns." ••• Now, this is exciting: Tonight, in the front row of the balcony, is Vice-President Dick Cheney. Or not. We get a good look at his mechanical heart apparatus, which seems to be about to burst into flames. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a shout out to his tortoise, Lance. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Oregonian, Portland, Oregon: "LOST PRIUS! Is it in your garage? Parked my black Prius in garage downtown Portland 6/11. Can't find garage now!"
  • Faribault Daily News, Faribault, Minnesota: Diamonds & Guns Sale at Paffrath Jewelers: "Buy your diamonds from us for the one you love and get a fine shotgun for you!"
  • Bottineau Courant, Bottineau, North Dakota: "Rodney Ovitt surprise party slated for June 26"
  • Starke County NewsHawk, Knox, Indiana: Ad for M&M Auto Sales and Service: The placeholder for car photos wasn't replaced with photos.
  • The Observer, Dunkirk, New York: "What is the best April Fool's Day prank that has either been played on you, or you played on someone else?" Kelly Schwab says, "My 11th grade teacher was in love with Bob Barker (Price Is Right) and I told her that he died. She started crying."
  • Post-Standard, Syracuse, New York: "Two brothers and their cousin were discussing their plans for a spree of burglaries ... when one of the three 'pocket-dialed' the Onondaga County 911 center."
  • Times-Daily, Florence, Alabama: Headline: "After 18 DUIs, it's prison." Michael Hopkins (convicted of DUI) says, "I don't think it's that many. I think it's more like 14."
  • Star-Tribune, Minneapolis, Minnesota: "A man came to the police station to report the theft of his wallet. ... it happened while he was on a train in France. He said he didn't have time to report it to police while in France."
  • Stewartville Satellite, Stewartville, Minnesota: ad for a local bar: "FREE BEER 5 - 6 pm EVERYDAY --- Limit 60 per person." [Fun Fact: The writers also used this one on 5/13/11.]
  • McCurtain Daily Gazette, Idabel, Oklahoma: "An Oak Hill community couple discovered a thief in their home Saturday after a man told a joke and heard a laugh upstairs."
••• Top Ten President Obama Labor Day Weekend Plans ••• Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave visits with Paul about Unforgettable, about people who have photograph memories of their lives.

  2. Electronic maintenance technician Gary Mintz appears as Mayor Michael Bloomberg: "Hi. I'm Mayor Bloomberg. Women want me. Men want to be me. Due to a forecast that calls for dangerously moderate weather, with sunny skies and temperatures in the upper 70s, I'm ordering all New Yorkers to evacuate the city until Christmas. Anyone who has not evacuated by tomorrow will have to deal with my Iron Fists of Fury. Mmmm. Thanks for your cooperation, and don't forget to recycle. Bye, everyone."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Habitat for Humanity, to help those who had property damage in the hurricane ••• Joe Wong does stand-up. ••• Lady Antebellum sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a clip of Gary Mintz as the Mayor

9/02/11: REPEAT FROM 8/01/11

9/05/11: REPEAT FROM 8/03/11

9/06/11 [3542]: monologue: "You can tell it's fall... it's autumn, because this is the time when networks begin to gather nuts for their reality shows." ••• monologue: Dave has a great bogus story on Dorothy at a family gathering. It goes exactly like this:

(Dave): "I remember we used to have these big parties... big family picnics, and the family picnics, they always seem good on paper, you know what I mean? It seems like, 'Well, yeah.' And then they actually happen, and oh... my... God! I remember one year... I think I told you about this. I don't know... it was four or five years ago. My mom, bless her heart... I think it was like the 4th of July. She starts drinkin' Bloody Marys. Oh... no, no, no. What's the ones with the salt? Margeritas. Yes. And then she wanders away. (This was before we put up the electric fence.) And, uh, so, we can't find her. We call the police and they say, 'Well, we'd like to help you, but technically a person's not missing until they've been gone for 24 hours.' So, OK, the next morning we get up, and we're lookin' around, and we find her! Thank God she's alright. She had passed out, way in the back yard, and a deer was licking the salt off her."
••• monologue: "Two years ago, my Uncle Earl passes out on the grill. Wakes up, and he's got red lines all over his face. He's got red, deep grill marks, and the guy's face..." ••• interruption: Pat Farmer comes onstage. He's got grill marks all over his face. He wants Dave to think about who might be listening to his jokes. Dave apologizes when he sees the grill marks. Pat says, "No, no, no. I bought a new kitty." Dave recommends Bacitracin™. / Paul plays the "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts" theme song for Pat's departure. ••• monologue: Dave tells one of his thousands of Dick Cheney jokes (arrived at a Bush family wedding in a stretch casket), and Will Lee does his "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream for the first time since 6/22/11. ••• Dick Cheney's all over the place promoting his memoir, In My Time. There's even a promotional video:
(smiling photo of Cheney)

(voice-over): "Dick Cheney could be in your city soon. Throughout September he'll be signing copies of his new memoir, In My Time, at the following locations:

  • the Cedars-Sinai Cardiac Unit
  • the Mesa General Hospital Cardiac Unit
  • the Dayton Heart Hospital Cardiac Unit
  • and the Lone-Star Gun Show."

(photo of the book)

(animation): a smiling Cheney behind the wheel of an ambulance

(voice-over): "Watch for Dicks's In My Time Book Tour bus, coming to your town."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. We have three Kardashians on the program tonight. Dave has no idea what they do on their show. (Where are they all coming from? There's a Kenny Kardashian!) One of them got tired about the discussion on the size of their butts, so they all got butt MRIs. Tonight they'll be showing their butt MRIs. This is why the rest of the world hates us.

  2. Alan Kalter's missing from his perch. There's a decoy (with a red wig) in his place. After some checking, we learn that Alan's in the green room with the Kardashians. I think he's creeping them out.

  3. Biff comes out to set up another installment of "Biff Henderson's America." This time Biff was sent to Greenwood, Wisconsin, 2½ hours from nowhere. Naturally the program begins with a visit with Mayor Jim Schecklman. Biff drinks fresh Wisconsin milk in a supermarket. Hairdresser Julie Smith gives Biff's bald head a shampoo. Then Biff goes on patrol with Greenwood Police Chief Bernie Bock. It's a low-crime area. Naturally he has to pay a visit to Kevin Lucas, manager of Grassland Dairy Products. To those who are lactose intolerant, Kevin advises, "Just keep eatin' dairy, and you'll get over it." (The show runs a disclaimer after that advice.) Then it's a stop at Laura K's Kafe, where he asks a group of ladies if they watch the Late Show. "What do you think of David Letterman?" Biff inquires. One lady says, "I don't like him."
••• Michele Bachmann's campaign manager resigned over the weekend. / Top Ten Signs Michele O'Bachmann's Campaign Is in Trouble ••• Extra guest chairs are in place for a visit with Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian and Khloé Kardashian Odom. ••• Dave's excited to have discovered another K: Kenny Kardashian, and we're fortunate to have him right here on our stage. (Or is it electronic maintenance technician Gary Mintz?)
(Kenny enters in a summer outfit, white sweater over his shoulders, and big shades.)

(Paul plays Sly and the Family Stone's "It's a Family Affair.")

(Kenny): "Hello everybody. It's me, Kenny Kardashian. I'm 5' 6" of 52-karat sex appeal."

(Dave): "Alright, now. Great to have you on the program! How was your little sister, Kim's, wedding, Kenny?"

(Kenny): "Oh, it was great! The food was delish. The music was popping! And I made out with Eva Longoria in the men's room!"

(Dave): "Yeah. What was it like growing up in such an interesting family?"

(Kenny): "It was great! We all looked out for each other. I watched their backs. They watched mine, which was easy, since we all have pronounced posteriors. I mean, look at this thing."

(Kenny turns sideways and smacks his butt.)

(Kenny): "Ow!"

(Dave): "Yeah. I'm... I'm... Now Kenny, I'm... Kenny! I'm sorry, am I interrupting something here?"

(Kenny's sending a text message.)

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry. I just got a text from Mario Lopez. He's waiting outside. We're gonna hit the town, and find some women to engage in naked..."

(Kenny stumbles on the next word.)

(Kenny): "...shenanigans."

(Sly and the Family Stone's "It's a Family Affair")

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michael Emerson plugs Person of Interest. ••• The Jim Jones Revue's network television debut ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Gary Mintz's butt smack

9/07/11 [3543]: The US Open tennis championship is underway in New York. Well, sort of. Rain has seriously interfered with the schedule. / video: The USTA is trying to make up for lost time. We see a dozen players on the court at once. ••• Dave's not missing any chance to make fun of Dick Cheney's book tour. / Will Lee does his "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. ••• Our old friend, Eddie Murphy, will host the Academy Awards in 2012. (Where has he been hiding, anyway?) Dave hosted the awards ceremony on March 27, 1995. ("Oprah... Uma. Uma... Oprah.") Let's have a look at "Dave's Advice for Hosting the Academy Awards." / video:

(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood")

(Dave, at his monologue mark): "Don't do it."

(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood")

••• The USPS is sure to go broke unless Congress intervenes this year. Electronic communication has taken its toll on income, and the Post Office has a plan. / video:
(clips): customers and employees at various post offices

(voice-over): "The Post Office is giving customers what they want, with our own quick, efficient, new e-mail service. It's easy to use. First, type the text of your e-mail on your computer. Save it to a USPS-approved floppy disk, which then must be packed in an official e-mail disk shipping box. and bring it to your local Post Office, along with the recipient's address. Select Priority, First Class, Second Class or Media Mail, for delivery to the USPS Central E-mail Processing Center in Eugene, Oregon. Within three to 14 business days, the e-mail disk will be hand delivered to the recipient's home or business address. The recipient then inserts the e-mail disk into their own computer, opens the file and reads your e-mail. It's just that simple! And don't forget to request an official E-mail Delivery Confirmation E-mail Request Form. (Additional fees apply.) The U. S. Postal Service: We Deliver for You."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We last saw him on June 15, and now we're in luck, because Dave sends a camera to Hello Deli for a look at Rupert's US Open Meatball Special.
(Dave): "Rupert, are you in there, buddy? Tell us about the US Open Tennis Special. What do you have for us?"

(Rupert): "Well, you know, it's nothing like that. I happened to notice that the meatballs are covered with green fuzz."

(Dave): "Oh, yeah! That's great!"

(Rupert begins singing some sort of peppy march, which Dave gets him to repeat about four times.)

••• Top Ten Ways the United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around ••• (back to Hello Deli for a few seconds for a reprise of Rupert's peppy march) ••• Medal of Honor recipient, U. S. Marines Sgt. 1st Class Leroy Petry, tells about his multiple tours of duty in the Middle East, and demonstrates his artificial right hand. His own right hand was blown off by a grenade on May 26, 2008, and the Sergeant continued to battle while he was bleeding profusely. Dave doesn't always agree with every military policy, but he has great admiration and respect for the soldiers who serve, as demonstrated by his holiday visits to Bosnia and Baghdad. He does a fine job with this sort of interview. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sarah Jessica Parker plugs I Don't Know How She Does It. She also has an extended story about a visit to the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow. And that's our show for Sept. 7.

9/08/11 [3544]: [Happy 59th birthday to Will Lee!] ••• interruption: "Official Response to President Obama's Address to the Joint Session of Congress" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "And now the 'Official Response to President Obama's Address to the Joint Session of Congress.' "

(Dave, at his monologue mark): "What do I care? I'm still worried about my fatwa!"

(voice-over): "This has been the 'Official Response to President Obama's Address to the Joint Session of Congress.' "

••• We have video from the Reagan Library and last night's Republican presidential debate in Simi Valley, California. The debate took place in the Air Force One Pavilion.
(Brian Williams): "Thank you, especially, for joining us here in this spectacular space... this spectacular presidential library, where we are all gathered under the wings of Air Force One. We're going to get right to it tonight..."

(animation): An engine from Air Force One (SAM 27000) lands smack on top of Brian.

(bumper): "NBC News Technical Difficulties — We'll be right back."

••• Mitt Romney did well at the debate last night. He's had television experience as the host of Celebrity Card Sharks. Mitt's a very handsome man. Dave wonders how he always has his hair just right. / video:
(clip): Brian Williams begins to ask Mitt a question.

(FX): Our friend and Creative Director, Digital Media, Jay Johnson, is applying Thompson's® Water Seal® to Mitt's hair.

••• "Highlights from the Republican Debate" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Frustrated by the tone of the debate at the Reagan Presidential Library, the disgruntled ghost of Ronald Reagan showed up and repeatedly punched candidates in the head."

(Newt Gingrich): "A new and deeper understanding of the importance of freedom, faith and liberty, based on our relationship with God."

(animation): Ronald Reagan's ghost punches Newt's head 10 times.

(voice-over): "Way to go, Gip!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and Alan announces the end of his campaign for the Presidency ••• desk chat:
  1. It's been raining in New York for three straight days. It's like Manila!

  2. The rain has seriously interfered with the schedule of the US Open Tennis Tournament. Whenever there's a crisis in New York City, the people at the Late Show volunteer to help out. A couple of matches have been moved from Queens to the Ed Sullivan Theater. / clip: John Isner is playing Gilles Simon in the green room. A whole lot of glass is getting broken!
••• Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of "Two and a Half Men" (presented via satellite from Burbank by Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones ••• Michael J. Fox, who began showing symptoms of Parkinson's Disease in 1990, shows a pair of Nike® shoes from Back to the Future. We can see them and bid on a pair at nikemag.ebay.com/shoes. Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jim McDonald does stand-up. ••• John Doe sings.

9/09/11: REPEAT FROM 8/04/11

9/12/11: REPEAT FROM 8/25/11

9/13/11: REPEAT FROM 9/01/11

9/14/11: REPEAT FROM 8/30/11

9/15/11: REPEAT FROM 7/28/11

9/16/11: REPEAT FROM 8/24/11


9/19/11 [3545]: monologue: "I'd also like to thank CBS... a special thanks to CBS... for not killing off my character." ••• monologue: "All anyone is talking about is Two and a Half Men. Have you seen the promotional campaign CBS is running?" / video:

(behind-the-scenes clips)

(voice-over): "The season premiere of Two and a Half Men blew their studio audience away!"

(clips): ecstatic audience members

(voice-over): "And what did the studio audience think of the Late Show?"

(interior of the Ed Sullivan Theater): The six audience members sit in dazed silence.

(graphic): the CBS eye

(voice-over): "Only on CBS."

••• exciting surprise: Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi is seated in the balcony, in one of the CBS guest seats. ••• The General Assembly of the United Nations has just convened in New York. (They're outside on these beautiful fall days, hootin' at chicks!) By the way, the world's a mess. Superman has got to do more. The Emmy Awards ceremony was on last night. Today Dave was watching the opening ceremony of the U.N. / video:
(some foreign guy, speaking in front of a marble wall): "Instead of fighting each other, we should excel together in modernizing our common regions. And instead of society..."

(music): the usual awards ceremony orchestra piece

(female voice-over): "Coming up: Ban Ki-moon, Jacob Zuma and Ashton Kutcher, when the UN General Assembly returns."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Ted Danson is on tonight. What a guy! What a cultural fixture! What a TV mainstay! He was Sam on Cheers, for goodness sake, and now he's on CSI.

  2. Dr. Jill Biden is here.

  3. Not everything you see on the show is Dave's idea. No matter what, it's Dave's responsibility to stand behind it. Tonight we have Sean Kennedy on 53rd St. with some trampoline action. Nobody mentioned this to Dave. Clearly Dave isn't excited about this segment.
••• outside cam to 53rd St. to meet trampoline dude Sean Kennedy. A very modest crowd has gathered across 53rd St. for the breathtaking bounces to come. Dave inquires, "Do you enjoy the up and down?" He follows with, "Who doesn't want to get on a trampoline and break a collarbone?" Tonight Sean will try flips and twists. He has a helmet cam to add to the excitement. After 12 bounces, Dave has seen enough. ••• Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Deficit Plan ••• outside cam: We go back to Sean for trampoline action. / weather report: 65° F, 58% humidity, barometer 30.31, wind SE 9 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Sean bounces some more as the CBSO plays Chubby Checkers' "Twist" music. ••• Dr. Jill Biden tells about being the Second Lady, teaching English in community college and her campaign to end hunger in the Horn of Africa. Visit usaid.gov/hornofafrica to make a donation. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and the URL for the aforementioned campaign ••• Ted Danson plugs CSI. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/20/11 [3546]: Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi is seated in the balcony, in one of the CBS guest seats. ••• monologue: "Don't Ask. - Don't Tell." has been repealed. That means more parades!" ••• While we're discussing the military, why not take a look at the National Command Structure chart, as defined by the Goldwater-Nichols Act of 1986 (PL 99-433). Here we go, from the top: Barack Obama, Commander-in-Chief / Leon Panetta, Secretary of Defense / Lady Gaga ••• monologue: NBC is the Peacock Network. ABC is the Alphabet Network. (Huh?) Fox is Fair and Balanced. CBS is the Tiffany Network. / video:

(title graphic and classical music)

(female voice-over): 'Last Night on the Tiffany Network.' Tonight's installment: Two and a Half Men.

(female character): "He also loved being spanked."

(female character): "Wearing my panties."

(female character): "He used my panties to make tea."

(male character): "Drunken threesome."

(Jon Cryer): "Hung like an elephant..."

(shirtless Ashton Kutcher): "I had sex with two girls last night."

(Jon Cryer): "I can't get the image of your penis out of my mind."

(female character): "Gave me herpes."

(female character): "Chlamydia."

(female character): "Vaginal warts."

(Jon Cryer): "Testicle."

(Jon Cryer): "I masturbated."

(pantsless Ashton Kutcher, walking through): "Morning."

(male character): farts

(title graphic)

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Last Night on the Tiffany Network.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave wants Harry to wash his hands when he messes around with Sully. / fierce picture of Sully / Harry should get a genius grant, because over the weekend Dave saw him wash his hands with his back to the sink.

  2. Dave was talking to Bill Scheft, who told him that writer Lee H. Ellenberg was out buying shoes, and a lady asked him where he worked. "TV," was the answer. Then Lee admitted he worked as a writer for the Letterman show. The lady said, "Really? I was under the impression they didn't use writers on that show."
••• The 65th session of the United Nations General Assembly opened today. The 193 member nations have a list of items to be debated. / video:
(clip): a shot of the United Nations Assembly Hall

(speaker): "Bangladesh?"

(delegate): "Here."

(speaker): "Barbados?"

(delegate): "Here."

(speaker): "Belarus?"

(no answer)

(speaker): "Belarus?"

(no answer)

(unknown delegate): "He's in the bathroom. Want me to get him?"

(speaker): "No, we'll come back."

(speaker): "Belgium?"

(voice-over): "Lifetime's coverage of the UN General Assembly will return in a moment."

••• Top Ten Items on the United Nations General Assembly Agenda ••• Jonah Hill plugs Moneyball. ••• out of commercial:
(We see a smiling Dave and two Dutch girls, in native dress, in front of a windmill.)

(Dutch voice-over, translated): "Start your morning off right with the delicious treacle syrup imported from Holland! Perfect on pancakes, porridge or ontbijtkoek!

(Dave takes a bite of something from a plate.): "Wow! My morning ontbijtkoek has never tasted better! Mmmm! Keuekenstroop!"

(voice-over): "Keuekenstroop - Happiness for your mouth!"

(FX): chimes

(Paul): "Wow! Excuse me. Dave? I'm sorry. David?"

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Paul): "Excuse me. Dave?"

(Dave): "What?"

(Paul): "Dave?"

(Dave): "What?"

(Paul): "What was that?"

(We see that Dave and the girls are in front of a green curtain... not a windmill.)

(Dave): "What was that?"

(Paul): "What was that?"

(Dave): "I just made 8,000,000 Euros."

(Paul): "Ah."

(Dave): "We'll be right back with Paula Abdul, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Paula Abdul plugs The X Factor. Dave seems to be in no mood to listen to Paula's nonsense. She soon grows tired of being ignored. Maybe we'll get lucky, and she won't return. ••• Coldplay sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Coldplay live webcast tonight at 8 p.m. EDT]

9/21/11 [3547]: [A bus-sized, 6.5-ton, 20-year-old NASA climate satellite that is falling out of orbit is likely to hit our favorite planet on Friday.] ••• monologue: Dave advises the audience to run a zigzag pattern on the way back from the show. / Oops! A hunk of metal falls near Dave, who looks up in the rafters. /

(Dave): "What the hell was that, Gene?"

(Stagehand Gene Szymanski): "Uhh, sorry about that, Dave. That was an old piece of duct work."

(Dave, to Gene): "Oh. Please, please be more careful, alright?"

(Dave, to the audience and home viewers): "Oh, my God. That thing nearly hit me, for heaven's sakes! I thought for a second... Oh, God!"

(More metal falls near Dave.)

(Dave): "Gene... Gene... Now, what was that?"

(Gene): "That time I was trying to hit you."

(Dave): "Thanks, Gene."

••• monologue: Dave later takes some of the metal to an audience lady. (Is Eddie Brill on vacation, or what?) Paul and the CBSO sing a bit of Eddie Starr's "War" as Dave delivers the junk: "War, huh, yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing." As an occasional audience member, I've seen the CBSO cook up a musical tie-in on short notice, but this tune was put together on ZERO notice! ••• Iranian bad boy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is in New York, probably making trouble over at the United Nations. He announced that he's releasing two American hikers they had locked up for two years. / Dave's hiker impression:
(Hiker 1 / dumb guy voice): "Well, should we go to Iran, or Yosemite?"

(Hiker 2 / other dumb guy voice): "Well, I don't know. I... I don't... I just like to hike. It don't make any difference to me."

(Hiker 1 / dumb guy voice): "Well, what about the Smoky Mountains? You ever been down there?"

(Hiker 2 / other dumb guy voice): "I kind of like Iran. I..."

Dave: "Ahmadinejad is releasing the hikers on humanitarian grounds. Then he went back to torturing dissidents." / Photoshop fun: We see Mahmoud, all smiley, under the Late Show marquee. ••• "Here's Something Funny That Happened Today at the UN" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): It's Ahmadinejad and another man, in an elevator)

(man): "Hey! Aren't you Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Wow! My daughter's a big fan of yours! Could you give me an autograph?"

(animation): Mahmoud signs something.

(man, to Mahmoud): "You smell nice! Thank you, very much!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan shows us a picture of an adorable kitty that he found on the Internet. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has some of the duct work metal on the desk for show and tell.

  2. The Republican presidential campaign's taking a long time to come to a simmer.
••• [Here's a segment with two different titles.] / video:
(title graphic): "Michele O'Bachmann Campaign Update"

(clip): O'Bachmann, greeting citizens and touring a meat locker

(voice-over): "During a campaign stop at a Des Moines meat packing plant, Michele O'Bachmann inspected slabs of hanging meat. Meanwhile, across town, her husband Marcus also inspected slabs of hanging meat."

(clip): We see Steve, a presumably gay man, in a gay pride parade, wearing only a codpiece.)

(musical number): Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men," performed by The Weather Girls

(title graphic): "Why the Late Show Doesn't Win the Emmy for Best Writing"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Why the Late Show Doesn't Win the Emmy for Best Writing.' "

••• Top Ten Rejected Genius Grant Projects ••• desk chat: Dave has a problem with beer and whiskey bottle litter along our nation's highways. His genius proposal is for Pabst® and Budweiser® to run beverage lines to people's houses. ••• Taylor Lautner plugs Adbuction, and tells us about extreme martial arts. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Minka Kelly plugs Charlie's Angels, and tells about her years spent as a surgical nurse. Did you know that she was Derek Jeter's girlfriend for three years? Jerry Foley runs the now-legendary picture of Jeter's mansion after her segment. By the way, Minka's mother thought up her first name. ••• Wilco sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.


9/22/11 [3548]: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (all 5' 6" of him) is in town. Here's a segment in his honor: "The World's Most Maniacal Dictator" / video:

(title graphic and music): "O Fortuna" from "Carmina Burana"

(clip): The teeny dictator is seen smiling and waving while walking with some other gents.

(music): "The Raid," by Marvin Hamlisch

(title graphic and music): "O Fortuna" from "Carmina Burana"

••• A bus-sized, 6.5-ton, 20-year-old NASA climate satellite that is falling out of orbit is expected to hit our favorite planet on Friday. What will it be like when it crash lands? We see a clip from Dancing with the Stars. / video:
(clip): a fireball in the upper atmosphere

(clip): Nancy Grace and Tristan McManus dancing

(FX): The satellite (which looks very much like a meteorite) lands smack on Nancy, bringing to an end her time on earth, we presume.

(clip): The audience applauds enthusiastically.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Michele O'Bachmann Says 'Chutzpah' " / video:
(title graphic)

(Bachmann in a clip): "The president doesn't want to have to be confronted with priorities and spending, because he has a lot of chootspa."

(FX): "no" buzzer

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Michele O'Bachmann Says 'Chutzpah'. "

(title graphic)

••• Dave's having fun this week reporting on the resurgence of squeegee enterpreneurs in New York City. / interruption:
(Dave intros the TTL / TTL montage)

(Legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett is busy at work squeegeeing his camera lens.)

(Dave L.): "The category tonight... Wait. Wait a minute. What? What? Excuse me. Oh. Dave? Dave? Excuse me. What? Dave, we're right in the middle of a taping. What are you doing there?"

(Dave D.): "Oh, come on. This isn't really the show. Who would watch this crap?"

(Dave L.): "Now, Dave, please. What, exact... And you're just doing the thing there?"

(Dave D.): "Just doing the squeegee, cleaning the lens."

(Dave walks over and gives Dave Dorsett a buck or two.)

(Dave D.): "Oh, thank you. Good luck at the Emmys!"

(Dave L.): "Yeah. Sure. Fine. Thanks."

(Dorsett has left a complete mess. Dave says, "Are we good to go there?" He comes over and dries off the lens with his jacket elbow and a rag.)

••• Top Ten Things a Candidate Shouldn't Say During a Presidential Debate ••• Marine Sergeant Dakota Meyer, Medal of Honor winner, visits with Dave about his experiences. He decided to join the Marines at age 17, after a recruiter used some reverse psychology on him, telling him there's no way he could make it in the Corps. Sgt. Meyer at first almost dissed the President of the United States, telling handlers that he could only take the traditional phone call when he wasn't at work, greasing the Bobcat®. He's from Kentucky, from a cattle farm. The next thing he knows, instead of going to college to play football, he's in the Marines. In Afghanistan, Sgt. Meyer saved 13 U.S. soldiers, and covered 23 Afghan soldiers during a six-hour battle. Upon learning that he would receive the Medal of Honor, the Sergeant boldly asked if he could privately drink some beer with President Obama, who granted his request. Dakota wants to raise $1,000,000 for scholarships for former Marines, via dakotameyer.com. ••• bumper: photos of five Marines lost in the aforementioned battle ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sofia Vergara plugs Modern Family. ••• Chris Cornell sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/23/11 [3549]: [Dave's tie was tied too short tonight.] ••• monologue: It's the first day of fall. Dave's back for another season, and this year he'll be solving crimes. Since he's really busy now, he's closed his summer place in Abbottabad, Pakistan. What? That's Derek Jeter's $7,700,000 mansion in Tampa. We'll fix it. What? That's Osama's dump in Abbottabad. ••• Last night we saw a Republication presidential candidate debate, sponsored by Google and Fox News. Candidates were able to make full use of the resources of Google. / video:

(title graphic)

(Google logo)

(voice-over): "Tonight on FoxNews, the Republican presidential contenders face off in their latest debate. And because their debate is co-sponsored by Google, the candidates will be able to use the world's leading search engine to research their answers, so they don't make idiotic statements like:

(smiling photo of Michele O'Bachmann)

  • John Wayne Gacy was John Wayne,
  • The first shots of the Revolutionary War were fired in New Hampshire,
  • Elvis was born on the day he actually died,
  • The founding fathers worked to abolish slavery,
  • The HPV vaccine causes mental impairments,
  • The Soviet Union is rising against us, and this:
  • O'Bachmann video: 'Because he has a lot of chootspah.'

(Google logo and Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Google: The Quicker Picker-Upper™"

••• President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly to remind them that we can squash the other countries. But, since this was in New York City, anything can happen. / video:
(clip): Obama in front of the usual, bogus marble background: "We have got to make... not merely peace, but a peace that will last."

(An adorable rat scampers across the top of the podium. It then scampers back to the center and chews on something.)

(FX): Bzzzzz. Snap. The rat is electrocuted and vaporized.

(Obama): "The men and women who built this institution..."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Autumn Fun Tip": Go outside and look at stuff that's turning brown and dying! •••
Dave claims that he got a call from the New York City (school board principal, chairman, chancellor, Bruno Kirby... something like that) asking him to do a back-to-school comedy segment that's educational and entertaining about new textbooks. The name of the segment is "New Textbooks," and the lyrics for the theme song are "New textbooks, baby..." The Late Show's own Joe Grossman comes out with a mail tub full of bogus textbooks. The segment goes something like this:
  • Astrology or Astronomy: We Forgot Which
  • Charles Dickens' Great Expectations 2: Make Out Summer
  • Bartlett's Less Familiar Quotations, by John Bartlett
  • Mr. William Shakespeare's 'Thy Mother' Jokes (For example: "Thy mother is so corpulent, when she goes to the theater, she sits next to everyone.")
  • Merriam Webster's English to English Dictionary
  • Understanding the Dictatorial Reign of a Madman (Student Edition), by the Late Show staff and crew
  • Calculus for Gays and Lesbians
  • Booko de Texto de Spanish, writteno by Mayor Bloomberg
  • History According to Wikipedia (with a cover photo showing Tony Danza as an Apollo astronaut)
  • Celebrity Ass X-Rays (featuring Kim Kardashian)
••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching Too Much Television ••• Nathan Fillion plugs Castle. ••• Dave runs "The World's Most Maniacal Dictator" from last night, but not before calling Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a beady-eyed little weasel, who's dumb or nuts, or both. / video:
(title graphic and music): "O Fortuna" from "Carmina Burana"

(clip): The teeny dictator is seen smiling and waving while walking with some other gents.

(music): "The Raid," by Marvin Hamlisch

(title graphic and music): "O Fortuna" from "Carmina Burana"

••• Then Dave says maybe Mahmoud's alright, but we begin to hear chatter from the audience.
(man): "Alright. Alright. That's it. That's it. Let's get out of here. Come on. Don't forget your purse. Come on. Come one. Move it! Let's get out of here. I didn't realize we were going to have to sit through this filth."

(Dave): "What? I'm sorry. What? What's going on in the audience? Excuse me. I'm sorry. Is there...? Pardon me. Is there a problem?"

(man, hands on hips): "Problem? Wrong? Is there anything wrong? Oh, nooo! It just so happens that my wife and I happen to be Iranians, and we DO NOT care for your mockery! And... we are gonna be writing a letter to your supervisor! So there!"

(prissy man, to wife): "Come on!"

(The couple take a powder.)

(Dave): "Wow! Iranians. I knew we had out-of-towners here. That was something!"

(Dave rolls his eyes.)

(Jerry Foley): gets a shot of the empty seats

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Larry Miller does stand-up. ••• The Jayhawks sing. [The Jayhawks first appeared with Dave on Late Night on 1/12/93, along with Bob Costas and Jimmie Walker.] ••• Dave announces that The Jayhawks will have a web encore tonight. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• full credits


9/26/11 [3550]: cold open:

(Dave and Seth Rogen in the green room)

(Dave): "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman. Join me tonight on the Late Show with my special guest, Jonah Hill."

(Seth): "I'm Seth Rogen."

(Dave, cheerily): "I know you are!"

(Jerry Foley): cues opening montage

••• [Herman Cain won the Florida straw poll Saturday, beating Texas Gov. Rick Perry, the GOP front-runner, who just two days earlier delivered a poor debate performance. Perry claims he was exhausted.] ••• "Florida GOP Straw Poll" / C-SPAN video:
(Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson as the moderator, acting very distinguished): "One vote for Rick Perry."

(FX): Ding.

(Jay): "One vote for Herman Cain."

(FX): Ding.

(Jay): "Two votes for Herman Cain."

(FX): "Ding."

(Jay): "Herman Cain wins."

(FX): "Ding ding ding ding ding."

(Jay): "Thank you. Enjoy the taco bar."

••• "Rick Perry: Ramblin' Man" / video:
(title graphic and the Allman Brothers' "Ramblin Man")

(Gov. Perry, debating Mitt): "Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of... against the Second Amendment, before he was for the Second Amendment? Was it was before he was before the social programs... um, from the standpoint of he was for standing up for Roe vs. Wade before he was against vers... uh... Roe vs. Wade? Uh, him... he was, uh, for Race to the Top. Uh... he's..."

(title graphic and the Allman Brothers' "Ramblin Man")

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Are you on Twitter? Follow the Late Show: @LATE_SHOW. News, sneak previews, video clips and more! Computer not included." ••• [On November 18, 2002, the entire audience of 475 was from Schoharie, New York. We had a "Biff Henderson's America," a Schoharie Quiz, Irish step dancing and a Top Ten from Mayor John Borst.] ••• desk chat:
Dave wants us to know that Schoharie was seriously damaged by Hurricane Irene in late August. Mayor Borst called Dave a couple of weeks ago to let him know how badly it was damaged. The show also heard from Assemblyman Pete Lopez. Dave has some maps and photos to show us. The town of Schoharie suffered $30,000,000 of damages. Four to eight feet of water stood in 80% of the town. Insurance payments and relief from FEMA will not come close to covering the cost of the damages. Those who would like to help can do so via:
••• Top Ten Signs the Rick Perry Campaign Is in Trouble ••• Seth Rogen plugs 50/50. He really likes reefer. I'm not quite sure why he's so proud of that, but it seems to be nothing less than a crusade for him. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Poppy Montgomery plugs Unforgettable, the new CBS show about a detective who remembers everything from her past (just like Marilu Henner). ••• Fleet Foxes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/27/11 [3551]: audience shout out: a guy from New Zealand in a Late Show t-shirt ••• The first Boeing 787 Dreamliner departed for Japan today. Everything on the Dreamliner is enormous. / Photoshop fun: We see a can of Diet Coke®, roughly the size of a 55-gallon oil drum, in front of a passenger. ••• "Last Night on the Tiffany Network" has a look at Monday's episode of Two and a Half Men. / video:

(title graphic and classical music)

(voice-over): " 'Last Night on the Tiffany Network.' Tonight's installment: Two and a Half Men."

(Holland Taylor): "Rough sex."

(Jon Cryer): "Rough sex with a stranger."

(Holland Taylor): "Leather mask."

(Jon Cryer): "Got a face that gives women an erection."

(clip of a shirtless Ashton Kutcher and Jon Cryer, cuddling)

(Jon Cryer): "You can ignore what's goin' on down there."

(Ashton Kutcher): "Could you get it off of me?"

(Ashton Kutcher, new scene): "Soft on My Tushie® toilet paper?"

(Conchata Ferrell): "Where is that toilet paper?"

(Jon Cryer): "Sorry. I peed a little on your seat."

(Conchata Ferrell): "Have you tried adult diapers?"

(Jon Cryer): "That's my poop book!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Last Night on the Tiffany Network.' "

(title graphic and classical music)

••• Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey may run for president. He's one tubby dude. News sources are running articles on the topic of whether he's too fat to be electable! The Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena has put together a demo to help us appreciate how rotund he is. / animation:
(clip): candidates onstage in a debate

(Jay Johnson voice-over): "Governor Christie, what is your plan to turn the economy around?"

(FX): creaking sound

(animation): All the candidates' podiums slide toward the governor's as the floor shifts under his weight.

(the usual Late Show voice-over guy): "The Republican Presidential Debate will return in a moment."

••• "Rick Perry: Right at Home" /
(title graphic and Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever")

(video): We see a very uncomfortable-looking governor at the Texas state capitol, during some sort of ceremony or service with Orthodox Jews singing in Hebrew, apparently, and having him dance around a table, holding hands with them.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that producer Brian Teta and wife Heather welcomed their daughter, Grace Vivian, on September 23. She was 8 pounds, 15 ounces, and 21" tall. It seems that Heather was pregnant for an impressive 2½ years! ••• interruption: Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage, and an unknown politician (Jeff McCarthy) shows up, uninvited, in a guest chair. He takes the opportunity to announce his candidacy for the presidency. Dave and Paul have no idea who he was. ••• desk chat: Dave really, really wants Chris Christie in the race for the presidency, so he can say, "Hey! Bring it, Fat Boy!" / Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different if Chris Christie Were President ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has his latest collection of varmints. It went something like this:
  1. Two little Siberian lynxes scamper around Dave's command module, and ultimately run off the set. Both came equipped with leashes, but no one was holding them. One almost took a drink out of Dave's Late Show mug. Jack wanted us to know they can jump 50 feet down from a tree, and live to tell about it.
  2. a capybara, the world's largest rodent (Yes, I had to look up the spelling.)
  3. a giant anaconda (which can grow to 30 feet long)
  4. a young zebra (Fun Fact: A zebra mated with a donkey produces a zonkey. Is that legal? Fun Fact 2: A zebra is black on white... not white on black. Even Funner Fact 3: A zoo that wants to keep track of zebras will photograph their butts, because that's what's unique on a zebra.)
  5. a possum (which has the smallest brain of any animal of its size)
  6. a Macaw parrot, 20 years old, from South America
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Warning: Use extreme caution." ••• Anna Faris, in her first Late Show appearance, plugs What's Your Number? ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/28/11 [3552]: tonight's audience shout out: a guy from San Diego ••• It's Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. / clip of Michele O'Bachmann misprouncing chutzpah ••• Andy Rooney, 92, announced his retirement from 60 Minutes on Sunday, after contributing 1,097 essays. / video: Andy's having a little siesta at his desk. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter's talking to himself over at stage left. He's very excited about some complex mathematical equations he scribbling on a blackboard. "I haven't been this excited since I saw Nancy Grace fall out of her dress," Alan breathlessly reports. ••• Republicans are encouraging the enormous Gov. Chris Christie to run for president. (Forget about pardoning the White House turkey during his term!) / video: We see the governor speaking at the Reagan Library. It's mere seconds before a six-foot sub sandwich is delivered to the podium. The governor hands payment to the delivery man without missing a beat. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Living Americans I'd Like to See on a Postage Stamp": Brent Musburger ••• desk chat:

  1. As we know, Dave loves having an easy target in the White House, or on the campaign trail.
    (title graphic and sappy motion picture score)

    (clip of Governor Christie)

    (voice-over): "Millions of Americans are clamoring for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to run for president in 2012. Before he makes a final decision, Governor Christie would like to make one thing perfectly clear. He wouldn't exactly be running for president, but rather lumbering along slowly with labored breathing for president."

    (FX): the sound of gasping for air

    (voice-over): "Chris Christie: FAT."

  2. Dave says, "If you can't call a fat guy fat, the terrorists have won."
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• interruption: We hear the voice of CNN's own Anderson Cooper, as he tries to get Dave's attention. / green room cam: Anderson wants to know if Jack Hanna was on last night, because there's a llama in there with him. (OK, maybe it's an alpaca, but the pictures on Wikipedia look more like a llama.) ••• Top Ten Reasons Andy Rooney Is Retiring ••• Anderson Cooper ••• bumper: a photo of Colonel Muammar Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, a topic of Dave's visit with Anderson ••• desk chat: Dave has a mini-rant about making fun of fat guys. He's convinced that the cookie people and the weight loss people are in cahoots. ••• All this talk about weight loss led Dave to ask writer Joe Grossman to come up with some non-fat jokes. (Joe threw up on his honeymoon, by the way.) / Joe comes onstage with his well-worn little joke book, and proceeds to tell fat jokes with dumb substituted for fat. As usual, he gets in trouble with the boss for misbehaving, and Dave gives him the boot. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nick Offerman of Parks and Recreation tells us all about woodworking. ••• The Knux sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/29/11 [3553] [Not an easy episode to write up!]: audience shout out: Tonight it's people from Alabama. ••• It's Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, 5772, and all day long, Dave's been writing 5771 on his checks. / confetti and balloons to celebrate the new year, and the 30th consecutive year that Dave's telling the wrong-check-date joke. ••• Here's a fun new segment: "OW!" / video:

(title graphic and a jazzed-up "Take Me Out to the Ballgame")

(clip): An unknown MLB batter hits a home run that collided with a fan's deal.

(title graphic):

••• "EW!" / video:
(title graphic)

(Joy Behar, reaching inside her blouse): "This is called a Sassy Nip."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Assistant cue card technician Todd Seda shows up onstage.
(Dave): "Oh, hi. Hi, Todd. How are you?

(Todd): "How's it going?"

(Dave): "Good, Todd. Nice to see you."

(Todd): "I just wanna say, after 62 years in the business, we're all gonna miss ya!"

(Dave, puzzled): "Um. I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about."

(Todd): "The angry rants, crazy eyebrows, the liver spots... Classic stuff, man!"

(Dave): "And again... nothin' against you... I'm not exactly sure what you're talking about."

(Todd, cupping his hand and hollering): "I said, the angry rants, the crazy eyebrows, the liver spots. Classic stuff."

(Dave): "OK, now I get it. I can hear you. You're under the mistaken impression that I'm Andy Rooney."

(Todd, shaking his head side to side): "So sad. So sad. Do you even know where you are?"

(Dave): "I know where I am. Yes. Thank you."

(Todd): "There's cake in the conference room."

(Dave): "Alright, thank you. Alright, thank you, Todd. Nice... Todd."

••• monologue: "Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." ••• Here's a response from Governor Christie to Dave's apology for the fat jokes:
(various clips of the plus-sized governor)

(voice-over): "Everyone has been making jokes about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. The governor has grown tired of these jokes, and would like to remind everyone that there are plenty of other things to make fun of him about. For instance: Did you know that Chris Christie doesn't know how to please a woman? You're welcome! Paid for by Chris Christie."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Good luck to the New York Mets in the playoffs!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave must have gotten some static about the possible effect of his "Governor Christie's fat" jokes on kids. He apologizes to overweight people all over the world for saying, "If we can't call a person fat, the terrorists have won." He doesn't want his horsing around to translate to kids getting bullied in school.

  2. He doesn't want another "Fire Dave" rally.

  3. Dave doesn't want another fatwa.

  4. Dave shows Apple's iPhone 5™ It's thinner, lighter and easier to lose in a cab. And, if you happen to be hungry, eat it. (which is exactly what Dave does) / interruption: The old guy with the bow tie shows up uninvited:
    (Dave): "Wow. Blueberry! It's a Pop Tart™ or something."

    (old guy, steamed, hands on hips): "No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop! This is phony. It's a skit."

    (Dave, chowing down): "Right."

    (old guy): "People like you drive me crazy!" (smacks head with hands)

    (Dave): "What's... I'm sorry, what's the problem?"

    (old guy): "Problem?"

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (old guy): "Oh, there's no problem. No. No problem."

    (Dave): "Uh huh."

    (old guy): "Not funny, but not a problem."

    (Dave): "Uh huh. Oh, I'm sorry."

    (old guy): "Problem? No. Funny? No."

    (Dave): "Uh huh."

    (old guy): "Oh, you're not gonna fool anyone with this routine."

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (old guy): "Well..."

    (Dave): "I'm sorry."

    (old guy): "Forget I was here."

    (Dave, laughing): "OK."

    (old guy): "I'm sorry it came to this."

    (Dave, still laughing): "Me, too."

    (old guy, to the audience): "Oh, what a mess! Oh, lord."

    (Dave, still giggling)

    (old guy, pointing to Dave): "I'll talk to you later, Junior."

    (Dave): "Alright. Thank you very much."

    (old guy): marches off the set

    (Dave): "I've already forgotten he was here."

••• [The Boston Red Sox lost to the Yankees, who came from behind, last night, eliminating their chance for the playoffs. Dave wouldn't give their troubles to a monkey on a rock.] / Top Ten Things Overheard in the Boston Red Sox Clubhouse / The CBSO follows with Beck's "Loser." ••• desk chat: It's Mary Barclay's birthday. Dave calls for confetti and balloons. She's away from the set at the moment. ••• Kaley Cuoco plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• Our old friend, Gerard Mulligan, appears to encourage Gov. Chris Christie to run for president. [Me: Hey! What's the deal? We haven't seen Gerard in a dress since Nov. 4, 2005. Why did Janet Reno have to leave office?] Gerard's message goes something like this:
(Gerard): "Hello, David. Hi, I'm Gerard Mulligan. You may recognize me as NBC's Whitney. Now, as a former writer of vaguely comedy-like material for the Late Show, I know how hard it is to satirize politics, but one man can make it easy for all of us, if he'll just run for president."

(photo inset of Chris Christie): with caption "Gov. Chris Christie (R-FAT)"

(Gerard continues): "I'm speaking, of course, about enormous New Jersey governor Chris Christie. 'Cause... you know... you know, with a fat president in the White House, we wouldn't have to worry about boring things like debt ceilings and health care bills. We could get away with four years of cheap fat jokes, like this:"

(The inset photo of Gov. Christie begins to shake. The tubby governor then falls out of the bottom of the picture!)

(FX): breaking glass sound

(Gerard): "Ha! Thank you. Look! Bastard's so damn fat, he broke the damn graphic! You know, it's quality jokes like these that keep the Late Show's Emmy-winning streak going strong."

(Gerard pulls down his spectacles to check the cue card.)

(Gerard): "But... But... I'm sorry."

(Paul): "Nice take! Nice, nice take!"

(Gerard): "Thank you. But only if Chris Christie does his part, by running for president. So let's check in with Chris Christie right now, and see if he's ready to announce his candidacy."

(clip): Fat Albert cartoon

(Gerard): "Now, you see what I did there? This crap writes itself! So come on, Governor Christie. Play fair with the writers, and throw your giant fat pants in the ring. Thank you. God bless America. And remember to watch NBC's Whitney. You'll laugh 'til you black out."

••• desk chat: Mary Barclay's back on the set. We have confetti and a balloon, and Paul leads the CBSO with "Happy Birthday." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Late Show Shout Out to Congregation Beit Simchat Topah." ••• Skipper Bivins and Trent Jackson plug Hillbilly Hand Fishin'. ••• Death Cab for Cutie sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/30/11 [3554]: [Dave's tie is tied way too short tonight.] ••• audience shout out: Dave pretends to be drinking something, which will be addressed later in tonight's telecast. ••• Apple's apparently going to roll out the iPhone5™ on October 4. Here's a commercial. / video:

(iPhone™ clips)

(voice-over): "In 2007, Apple introduced the iPhone™. And, overnight, it reinvented the way we communicate. Now the iPhone 5™ is here."

(clips): electronic manufacturing

(voice-over): "And, while it's the most advanced iPhone™ yet, you can rest easy knowing we're still a version or two away from the iPhone™ that becomes self-aware, and murders you in your sleep."

(FX): We see a future iPhone™ owner flying out of an upstairs window to his death.

(voice-over): "The iPhone 5™. Finally."

••• Andy Rooney will deliver his final regular essay for 60 Minutes on Sunday. We're honored to be able to check in with him as he prepares it, in "Andy Rooney Writes His Final Commentary." / video: Hmm. Andy's sound asleep on a couch. (He's 92, you know.) ••• [During Rick Perry's terms as the governor of Texas, 236 people have been executed.] / "The Governor Rick Perry Execution File" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo of an inmate)

(voice-over): "Albert Parnell, Forth Worth: Convicted for failing to signal a turn."

(FX): "EXECUTED" stamped over Albert's photo

(voice-over): "Executed! This has been 'The Governor Rick Perry Execution File.' "

(title graphic)

••• Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, may run for president. He's has foreign policy experience, by the way: International House of Pancakes! Hey... did you hear what happened during the governor's address at the Reagan Presidential Library? / video: A Japanese chef is right next to Christie's podium, doing that really fast chopping thing with a couple of knives. The chef pauses, loads a bite on a knife blade, and flings it toward the governor, who gobbles up the airborne grub! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Alan Kalter, Magician" ••• desk chat:
  1. In the preshow questions, the audience shout out lady wanted to know if Dave would be funnier if the audience did some drinking in advance. Dave replied, "Madam, I believe for you tonight, I will be hilarious!" Dave reaches down and produces two cocktail glasses with ice, pours two glasses of Absolut® vodka, then has a couple of nice, long samples, straight from the bottle. Eddie Brill is dispatched to deliver the refreshments to the lady.

  2. Dave has just learned that the producers of 60 Minutes have already lined up a replacement for Andy Rooney. / video:
    (sad music)

    (voice-over): "After 33 years, our dear friend, Andy Rooney, will say farewell, but viewers of 60 Minutes need not worry, ..."

    (clip): the famous 60 Minutes stopwatch

    (voice-over): "... as we've already lined up a replacement, who's just as old and cranky as Andy."

    (live shot): Dave, at his desk, knocking back some more of the Absolut®

    (Dave does a spit take when he sees the camera's on him.)

    (voice-over): "Only on 60 Minutes."

  3. It's the Jewish New Year, year 5772. We have "Rosh Hashanah Dos and Don'ts." / video:
    (title graphic)

    (voice-over): "DO: wish people a happy Jewish New Year. DON'T: accidentally say this instead..."

    (clip of Biff Henderson in Times Square on 10/03/05): "As we usher in the Newish Jew Year."

    (FX): "NO" buzzer

    (voice-over): "Happy Newish Jew Year, everybody."

••• Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Can Revitalize His Campaign ••• Samuel L. Jackson plugs his upcoming Broadway play, The Mountaintop, opening on October 13 at the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre at 242 West 45th St. It's a look at the last days of Rev. Martin Luther King. / Samuel L. tells us all about his adventures with crack cocaine way back when. ••• Our old friend, Gerard Mulligan, appears to encourage Michele O'Bachmann to run for president. It goes exactly like this:
(Gerard): "Hi. Hi, I'm Gerard Mulligan. You may remember me from such classic Late Show roles as 'Guy Whose Penis Got Cut Off.' " [Earl Drucker, LSDL #3520, 7/13/11] "As a former writer for a second-tier talk show, I know how hard it is to write topical jokes every day. So, on behalf of comedy writers everywhere, I'm here to endorse Michele O'Bachmann for President of the United States. Under an O'Bachmann administration, the jokes would write themselves. Getting John Wayne confused with John Wayne Gacy? That's a week of material, right there. Do you like hilarious mispronunciations? How about this one?"

(clip): O'Bachmann saying "chootspah"

(Gerard): "And don't even get me started on her husband."

(clip of Wayland Flowers and Madame)

(Gerard): "They make an adorable couple! So when you cast your vote, think of the lazy comedy writers of the world, and that ass      over there, and vote for Michele O'Bachmann: a punch line we can rely on. Thank you, and God bless America!"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "If I had a peanut allergy, would I be able to do this? Be back in a flash." ••• Karen Rontkowski does stand-up. ••• Anne-Sophie Mutter has a violin performance, accompanied by Sir André Previn. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/03/11 [3555]: monologue: "Anybody see Andy Rooney last night on the 60 Minutes? How many saw his final? I loved him with Judy Garland and all those old movies. But... he's been a fixture on CBS's 60 Minutes. He's gone now... being replaced by Ashton Kutcher." ••• monologue: "Here's a big story coming out of Italy. Amanda Knox... You know this story? ... has been acquitted. Yup. Yup. Just happened earlier today. And she'll be packin' up her stuff and coming home, and also got a congratulatory phone call from O. J.!" ••• "The Nobel Prize in Medicine" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "This year's Nobel Prize in Medicine went to the doctors who invented the practice of making patients wait alone in their underpants for a half hour before a physical."

(clip): We see a geezer in his underpants (with dark, knee-high socks), seated on an exam table with the white paper on top, looking completely bored.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

••• "Rick Perry Zinger of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): "Mitt needs to get a position and stick with it. I mean, he's... he's flippin' more than that great movie star, Flipper."

(FX): rim shot

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Alan's Autumn Thoughts": "I've tried both. It's more fun to jump into a pile of leaves than a pile of rakes." ••• desk chat:
  1. [Dave's apparently referring to an Oct. 1 piece by Frank Bruni in The New York Times, "The Round and the Oval."]

    Dave says, "I'm always in trouble." He claims the Times is calling for his resignation for smarting off about Gov. Chris Christie's weight. Dave says, "Yes, he's 400 pounds, he has some sort of a problem eating, and he's sweaty. I can't call him fat. And they're right. I can't call him fat. As of tonight, I will no longer be calling Gov. Chris Christie fat, because it's impolite. I don't want to embarrass him. I have a little weight problem of my own. I know how difficult it is for people who are trying to lose weight..."

    (Paul interrupts): "Wait. You have a weight problem?"

    (Dave): "Yes! I have a weight problem."

    (Paul): "You have a weight problem? You're skinny as a rail!"

    (Dave, to Paul): "No, I'm not. Have you seen me naked?"

    (Paul): "Next question!"

    (Right on cue, the horn section raise their hands.)

    (Dave): "Now, I know Al has. I know the horn section has."

    (Paul shakes his head.)

    Dave informs us that in the future, if he wants to refer to Gov. Christie being fat or chubby, he'll simply take a pause.

  2. In the balcony, in the CBS guest seats, is David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox.
••• [This afternoon, American college babe Amanda Knox saw her Dec. 4, 2009 murder conviction reversed by an Italian appeals court.] / Top Ten Things That Were Going Through Amanda Knox's Mind When the Verdict Was Read / #8: "May I keep my Versace prison jumpsuit?" #1: "If Michele O'Bachmann becomes president, I'm moving back to Italy." ••• Mr. NBC, Brian Williams, one of Dave's best guests, drops by to catch up. Brian is on the Medal of Honor Foundation board of directors. He wants to promote the purchase of Medal of Honor: Portraits of Valor Beyond the Call of Duty, a coffee table book. Profits from the book go to support the 85 living recipients. ••• After commercial: Brian Williams has to hurry back to 30 Rock to deliver the news. He pauses to grab a sandwich from a dumpster on the 53rd Street sidewalk. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Late Show Cliffhanger" (Alan drops a coin. Which side is up?) ••• Sting interview ••• Sting sings. (accompanied by the CBSO horn section) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: We see the geezer, still waiting on the doctor.

10/04/11 [3556]: [Here's an episode that won't turn up as a repeat.] ••• [nfl.com is hinting that Madonna may be booked for the next Super Bowl halftime show. Ewww.] / "Madonna Rehearses Super Bowl 2012 Halftime Show" / video: We see a 1920s flapper girl dancing around on a stage. ••• "The Nobel Prize in Physics" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "This year's Nobel Prize in Physics went to the scientist who determined the exact angle and velocity that provide maximum hilarity when hitting a guy in the nuts with a bat."

(clip): Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim, attired in a white lab coat, hauls off and smacks a research subject (Production Accountant Joe DeGeorge) in the nuts with a baseball bat. The subject displays considerable pain, but surely we can do better. Walter tries again, this time using the end of the bat (sort of like playing pool). Success! The subject's on the floor in agony. Writer Steve Young plays a fellow scientist, recording research findings with a clipboard.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

(title graphic)

(Dave thanks the audience for applauding that crap.)

••• "Last Night on the Tiffany Network" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): " 'Last Night on the Tiffany Network.' Tonight's installment: Two Broke Girls."

(Kat Dennings): "You are literally a five-dollar whore right now."

(Beth Behrs, with long, fake fingernails): "I look like a Cambodian stripper."

(Jonathan Kite): "Who's the blonde, bony skank?"

(Kat Dennings, in a fast food uniform): "I don't know why I'm quoting a rapist."

(Kat Dennings): "This building has three registered sex offenders."

(Jonathan Kite, as a ladies' man): "There's more salami where that came from."

(Kat Dennings): "No mysterious crotch stains."

(Jonathan Kite, in a Pi t-shirt): "Nice ass. Nice rack."

(Beth Behr): "Touché."

(Kat Dennings): "Douché."

(Kat Dennings): "God knows what your orgasm sounds like."

(unknown female): "Bitch!"

(Beth Behr): "Bitch!"

(unknown female): "Bitch!"

(unknown male, off camera): "Bitch!"

(unknown female): "Puta."

(Jonathan Kite, high-fiving a friend): "Vuhhgina!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Last Night on the Tiffany Network.' Good night, everyone."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Mike Huckabee, please consider running for president. We've got a lot of fat jokes, and now Christie's out! Thanks!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave loves it when the Tri-State Area is the center of attention. Dave's referring, of course, to Gov. Christie's non-campaign for president, and mentions his promise to never use the F word again regarding the governor. He calls for the governor to be booked on the Late Show, but mentions that something will have to be done about the guest chair size. We have CNN video of the governor explaining why he's not running: Oops. Here we go again! It's Jabba the Hut!

  2. Dave has the original iPhone™, since a new model was unveiled today. It has a dial!
••• Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Is Not Running for President ••• interruption after TTL #8: Paul's right next to Dave at his command module. Paul: "I'm sorry, Dave. I just wanted to be on TV." ••• more TTL ••• Hugh Jackman plugs Real Steel. ••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" / Receptionist Art Kelly reprises his role as the NFL coach for the 23rd time. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan's not feelin' it tonight. ••• Sean Young plugs herself. That's right. She's looking for work. How did she get booked? ••• Feist sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: clip of The Nutcracker (with Walter Kim)

10/05/11 [3557]: [Dave's tie is tied scandalously too short tonight.] ••• cold open: It's Dave and George Clooney in the makeup room, along with makeup artist Michele O'Callaghan (Zoogy's mom).

(George): ""Wow, that's what you look like without makeup?"

(Dave): "Uh, yeah."

(George): "Whoa." (George points to his face.) "It's much easier going through life looking like this."

(Dave): "Jerk!"

••• "Take a Bow" / ESPN video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clip): During an October 1 football game dead ball we see a shove, then Jonathan Brown of Illinois knees Northwestern's Patrick Ward in the jewels. Ward bends way over in pain, then stands back up. A referee immediately tosses the penalty flag, but that doesn't help Ward too much.

(title graphic)

••• [ESPN fired Hank Williams, Jr. because he compared President Obama to Adolph Hitler.] / "Hitler References Dos and Don'ts" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "DON'T: compare Hitler to the President. DO: stick with something safe life 'Yo Hitler so fat' jokes."

(Photoshop fun): an enormous Hitler

(German voice-over): "Yo Hitler so fat, he puts mayonnaise on his Schwarzwalder Kirschetorte!"

(announcer voice-over): " 'Hitler Reference Dos and Don'ts.' "

(title graphic)

••• New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced today that he's not running for president. What would life be like if he'd been president? Shecky has a clip to demonstrate: We see President Obama's limousine high center somewhere in Ireland on 5/23/11. ••• CBSO with U2's "Beautiful Day" and Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Why's Alan sound so funny? He's late for work, stuck in traffic and is phoning in the Highlights. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's excited about the return of Mastodon. Their other visit to LSDL was on 5/15/09.

  2. Dave stands behind no man in his love for George Clooney, yet he's boiling in rage, he's on fire, his brain is sizzling and his meniscus is about to blow. Why? How long has it been since George Clooney was here? 3½ damn years! [4/02/08, to be exact] George wasn't on to promote Up in the Air, but Dave loved it. How about George's humanitarian efforts, by the way?

  3. Dave reminds us of the days on NBC when he'd send a lemon tree to people he'd dissed on the show.
••• " 'Jungle' Jack Hanna's Animal Fun Facts' " / video:
(title graphic)

(clip from Jack Hanna's Into the Wild): "You know somethin'? You get a penguin down your pants, that's a mistake you'll never make twice!"

(title graphic)

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. / interruption: We hear Alan Kalter's voice. (Guess his traffic jam ended in a hurry.) He's wearing a bathrobe, and is scribbling equations on a board.
(Dave): "Alan. Alan. It's our announcer, Alan Kalter. I'm sorry, Alan... what is going on?"

(Alan, absorbed in his computations, eventually answers): "No, wait a minute."

(Dave): "Alan... for the love of God, what is going on?"

(Alan): "Tryin' to figure out how the       you got a show!"

(Dave): "Good luck."

••• Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans to Spend $17 Million [Dave forgets to read entry #7. Eventually he catches on and says, "Oh, I gotta read this!"] / #1: Buy lunch for Chris Christie." ••• George Clooney plugs The Ides of March. Dave gives him three full segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Tony Mendez assures us that tomorrow's episode will be great. ••• more George Clooney ••• Mastodon sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/06/11 [3558]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy in a striped shirt. That's as far as it goes. ••• Swedish poet Tomas Tranströmer was named as the winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature today. / Here's the slightly-bogus translation of his work:

(background): beautiful mountain scenes

(flute music)

(Tomas Tranströmer voice-over):

"I miss the scent of your perfume,
And the sound of your footfalls,
I wish you were by my side,
To fondle my Swedish meatballs.

Good night, everybody!"

••• New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie isn't running for president after all. Here's another look at his press conference. What he has to say isn't quite the point, as we marvel at the governor's sandwich construction skills. / video: It's a multi-decker production, with a heaping helping of mustard on top, all made while the governor speaks. ••• Alan Kalter's Big Show Highlights are delivered in Morse Code at about 35 words per minute. ••• outside cam to 53rd St. for Purina's Incredible Dog Challenge (dock diving doggies) / Fun Facts:
  • Pool Dimensions: 41ft. x 17 ft. x 4 ft, deep

  • Weather Report: 58° F, 36% humidity, barometer: 30.39 ↓, wind: NW 9 MPH, visibility: 10 miles

Here are the first contestants:

  • Sean McCarthy and Jordan (a chocolate Labrador retriever) from Riverside, Iowa: 25' 11"

  • Tony Lampert and Baxter (a Belgian Malinois shepherd) from St. Louis: 29' 11"
••• Caroline Kennedy discusses her book, Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life with John F. Kennedy. ••• Act 5: Alan Kalter formally invites tomorrow's guests: Bryan Cranston, Jeff Altman and Garland Jeffreys. ••• We go back to 53rd St. for the final dock diving doggie:
  • Chip Baker and Crash (a Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever) from Shelby Township, Michigan: 27' 10"

Baxter's our 2011 winner, at 29' 11". Two models present the traditional trophy filled with dog biscuits. ••• The Joy Formidable sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/07/11 [3559]: [Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a.k.a. Umar Abdul Mutallab, a.k.a. Omar Farooq al-Nigeri is an accused terrorist who's now on trial for setting off a bomb, located in his underpants, onboard an airplane on 12/25/09. They're selecting a jury in Detroit.] / "Juror Selection for the Underpants Bomber" / video:

(clip): courtroom scene

(voice-over): "Welcome potential jurors, and thank you for your service in this important case. Please be aware that not everyone will be selected. You will dismissed if:

  • your underpants have ever exploded,
  • your underpants have ever been worn by a terrorist,
  • you or a family member were the victim of an underpants-related crime,
  • you have a religious or moral objection to wearing underpants,
  • you giggle when you hear the word underpants.

(animation): A brand new pair of white underpants (briefs style) explodes.

(graphic): seal of the United States District Court / Eastern District of Michigan

(voice-over): "Enjoy the trial."

••• Dave claims that Sarah Palin will do the Super Bowl 2012 halftime show. We see the same flapper girl video used for Madonna on 10/04/11. ••• Dave's at it again! He slightly breaks his promise to stop the Chris Christie fat jokes. He slips one in about Christie having a tremendous number of followers. "Most of them were ivory poachers." / Photoshop fun: We see the governor wearing a lobster bib. ••• It's exciting trying to keep up with television coverage of the baseball playoffs. Here's an announcement. (Wish me luck on typing this.) / Major League Baseball video:
(baseball animation and a jazzy "Take Me Out to the Ballgame")

(voice-over): "Hey fans! This year, ALDS and NLDS MLB games were broadcast on TBS. When ALDS and NLDS MLB games overlapped on TBS, one ALDS or NLDS MLB game was broadcast on TNT until the conclusion of the ALDS or NLDS MLB game on TBS, in which case the ALDS or NLDS MLB game on TNT could return back to TBS. If ALCS or NLCS MLB games on Fox overlap, one ALCS or NLCS MLB game will air on Telemundo."

(clip): Mexican guy in a locker room, banging his head repeatedly with a toy bat

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching MLB!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights (Alan's had too much cough syrup, by the way.) ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.
(We see Bruce and Linda at Dave's desk, with a large display of sunflowers in front of them.)

(Bruce): "Thanks, Dave. You won't believe the lineup we have for tomorrow! I'm gonna sit down with the reunited cast of the long-running comedy series Wings. Fasten your seatbelt."

(Linda): "I will! That's gonna be great, Bruce. And I have a report on the fascinating trip I took aboard one of our Navy's tactical nuclear submarines. It was a little scary, but a lot of fun!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus the latest sports, weather and winning lottery numbers..."

(Linda): "...on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Robot Movie / #2: Special effects look like this. (clip from 6/30/11 of Dave in a break room, blown to smithereens by a phaser beam from the toaster) ••• Bryan Cranston plugs the season finale of Breaking Bad. ••• "Tony Mendez Gives Away the Endings to Movies in Spanish" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Tune in Monday to find if it's the famous Tracy Morgan who's booked, or somebody else. ••• How about Dave's big-time intro of his old friend, Jeff Altman:
(Dave): "Thank you very much. And now, ladies and gentlemen, settle back and get ready for show business thunder and lightning. As a performer, one of a kind. As a human being, one of the kindest! Loughlin, Nevada 11-time Entertainer of the Year! Direct from his couch in Pomona, how about a warm, warm Ed Sullivan Theater welcome for 180 pounds of entertainment dynamite, Mr. Jeff Altman!"
Jeff Altman on drums (accompanied by the CBSO) and interview / (Jeff was close friends with Buddy Rich, Jr.) ••• Garland Jeffreys sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/10/11 [3560]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a very good-looking woman from an unspecified neighboring state. ••• monologue: "Today is Columbus Day. Chris Christie's cholesterol is 1492." ••• Dave has a picture of the writer responsible for the previous joke, Steve Young. / Don't care for the joke? You may want to go interactive with the Late Show. / "Punch Steve Now": We see that Steve's unconscious now, and his nose is bleeding a bit. ••• Governor Rick Perry is so exhausted from the campaign trail that he says he can't sleep. (He even slept through a recent execution!) / From 9/27/11: We see the clip of a very uncomfortable-looking governor at the Texas state capitol, during some sort of ceremony or service with Orthodox Jews singing in Hebrew, apparently, and having him dance around a table, holding hands with them. ••• Speaking of reruns, it's another look at the gag from 10/06/11: Governor Christie building a fine-looking sandwich while at the microphone during a press conference. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, plus the dictionary definition of entertainment ••• desk chat:

  1. Dave takes a while to set up his point. He has something to report about Harry, but where he's going with this isn't clear. Eventually he informs us that on 10:30 a.m. on Sunday he, Regina and Harry were in a Toys"R"Us® in a strip mall.

  2. First Lady Michelle Obama is involved in a quest to break the Guinness world record for "The Most People Doing Jumping Jacks in a 24-hour Period." The excitement begins at noon PDT on Tuesday, October 11 and ends at noon on Wednesday, October 12, 2011. This leads to the segment "White House World Records." / video: It's the now-legendary clip of Pres. George W. Bush attempting the record for "Largest Beard of Bees."

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. / interruption: We hear the familiar voice of that ornery cameraman, Dave Dorsett. The TTL comes to a halt until Dave L. figures out what's going on. We should have known. Dave D.'s taking advantage of the Columbus Day special on hookers, and does he ever have some lovely ones at his side: Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria. Good luck keeping focused, Dave! / Oops. I forgot to mention the Michael Z. McIntee voice-over. ••• Top Ten Things Columbus Said When He Arrived in America ••• Tracy Morgan wastes several minutes of our lives. I'm mystified as to how he gets on television. ••• Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg plug ESPN Radio's Mike & Mike in the Morning. They're as fed up with college conference realignment as I am! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Mike and Mike ••• Mates of State sing. They have a new album entitled Mountaintops. They like a lot of plant life on their set. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/11/11 [3561]: interruption: Pat Farmer interrupts the monologue yet again.

(Pat's wearing a white t-shirt that says, "WE ARE THE 99%.)

(Dave): "Oh, hi Pat."

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "One of our stagehands here, Pat Farmer. What's up, Pat? Nice to see you."

(Pat): "Same. I don't know if this is a good time, Dave, but, uh, I was wondering if you could recommend a decent dry cleaner in the area."

(Dave): "You know, uh, Pat, actually, now is not a good time."

(Pat): "Not a good time."

(Dave): "And I saw the t-shirt. You're part of the 'We are the 99%.' You're part of the... I was just talkin' about 'em... down in the financial district... the Wall Street protestors."

(Pat): "Uh, no Dave. The staff and crew bought these to indicate how many of us thought the show isn't funny."

(Dave): "Oh!"

(Pat): "I've chewed your ear long enough, Dave. I've gotta run. Enjoy the rest of your day off."

(Dave, to Pat): "Alright. Well, thanks."

(Dave, to Paul): "Seems kinda high."

(Paul): "99."

(Dave): "I want to find the 1%. That's who I'm lookin' for."

(Paul): "That's who you play to."

••• It's another installment of "White House World Records." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "In 1973, President Richard Nixon set a new world record by giving a speech with 32 grapes in his mouth."

(animation): a chipmunk-cheeked President Nixon

(voice-over): "This has been 'White House World Records.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dave says that during a presidential debate, at least with the GOP version, the candidates are seated according to their current standings in the polls.
(photo): Dartmouth University campus

(clips): GOP candidates speaking

(voice-over): "Participants in tonight's Republican debate at Dartmouth will be seated according to their poll numbers. So, based on his recent momentum, Herman Cain will be seated at the center of the table with Mitt Romney. Second-tier candidates like Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul will be placed to the side of the table, and Rick Santorum will debate from the parking lot."

(outside cam): A FedEx truck passes by and crickets chirp, as Santorum speaks. (unintelligible)

(voice-over): "Enjoy the debate, America."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan's licking his tie, as he spilled something on it. (It's under control.) ••• desk chat: Dave's happy to report that we won't see the same old crap tonight. (And what did we pay to get in, anyway?) ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Herman Cain ••• desk chat: Dave pauses for viewers from other programs to tune in. ••• [On July 30, Ian Turner, 8, was on a trail ride at a ranch near Glacier National Park in Montana, when his horse was chased by a 750-pound grizzly bear. Wrangler Erin Bolster and her horse, Tonk, rode to his rescue, diverting the bear several times until it ran off.] ••• Dave interviews Erin, and later the scrim rises to reveal Tonk, who doesn't quite know what to make of the applauding audience. Tonk turns to moon the North American viewing public. ••• Matthew Broderick plugs Tower Heist, a film with Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy. / Matthew recently had spinal surgery, involving some titanium. Dave gives him the TSA wand treatment, with negative results. Matthew does receive a wand to the butt before the examination is completed. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "You people look fine!" ••• "Jungle Jack Hanna's Animal Fun Facts" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(Jack): "Did you know that the green anaconda is the only reptile that has been trained to drive a car? I've seen it. It's pretty darn cool!"

(Jack stares down the snake.)

(title graphic)

••• Hunter Hayes sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/12/11 [3562]: The GOP presidential candidates debated last night at Dartmouth University. Charlie Rose moderated, and made it pretty entertaining. / video:

(Charlie): "But before I bring some of those results in, I want to take a look at a series of clips we'll show you in this segment, beginning with this one of a former president."

(cartoon music and sound FX)

(George W. Bush blooper reel): We see the non-opening doors in Japan, hitting his head on Marine One, dropping a Scottie dog, an epic fail at dribbling a basketball, spitting on the White House lawn and dodging airborne shoes.

••• Herman Cain has his 9-9-9 tax plan. Look what Michele O'Bachmann said last night. / video:
(O'Bachmann): "You're never going to get rid of it. And one thing I would say is, when you take the 9-9-9 plan, and you turn it upside down, I think the devil's in the details."

(Herman Cain): "You've gotta let me respond!"

(Charlie Rose, holding up a finger): "We've given you several chances to respond. I'll come back."

(FX): Herman Cain disintegrates Michele O'Bachmann with his laser eyes. There's nothin' left of her.

(Herman Cain): "That's right."

(Charlie Rose): big smile

(Fun Fact): Dave mistakenly said Michelle Obama instead of Michele O'Bachmann. Paul straightened him out.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Learn to be an announcer. Repeat after me: 'Coming up... Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Endorsed Mitt Romney, and President Bill Clinton.' Well done!" ••• desk chat: Dave fusses about Netflix®, and the back-and-forth changes they've announced recently. Now the company (which Dave mistakenly pronounced "Netflex"), wants to make amends. / video:
(graphic): the familiar company logo, followed by photos of users

(voice-over): "We here at Netflix® sincerely want to apologize for the confusing past few weeks. To make up for the recent unpleasantness, we'll now be offering an exciting new feature. When you select a movie, instead of mailing you a DVD, we'll send the star of the film to your house to give you a detailed summary of the movie."

(family living room scene): Supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis, a husband and son visit with Matthew Broderick.

(Matthew): "And then Ferris gets a table at a fancy restaurant, by pretending he's Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago."

(The family laugh uproariously.)

(Matthew, speaking to the home viewers, just as Ferris used to do): "How is this more entertaining than watching the movie?"

(graphic): Netflix® logo

(voice-over): "Netflix."

Here's Abe Froman's Facebook page.

••• Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Endorsed Mitt Romney ••• Bill Clinton, in multiple segments, gives Dave a fascinating lesson in global trade and economics. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan's been feeling depressed of late, but the news that Bill O'Reilly will appear tomorrow has perked him right up. ••• more President Clinton ••• Deer Tick sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/13/11 [3563]: Dave welcomes us to Late Night with David Letterman. ••• The protestor crowd around Wall Street went crazy today, and tied Michael Bloomberg to a fire plug. He escaped on a New York City rat. / Photoshop fun: It's 5' 6" Mayor Bloomberg, riding a chihuahua! ••• "Dr. Conrad Murray Medical Tips" / video:

(title graphic and "Thriller")

(voice-over): "Sore throat? Try a soothing lozenge... and a five-gallon jug of elephant tranquilizer."

(FX): an elephant making whatever you call the noise they make

(photo): a smiling Dr. Conrad Murray

(voice-over): "See you on the other side! This has been 'Dr. Conrad Murray Medical Tips.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: A tub guy, wearing a dark suit and sunglasses that could very well be Secret Service agent attire, starts making a commotion.

(tubby agent): "Excuse me. Excuse me."

(Dave): "What?"

(tubby agent): "Excuse me."

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(tubby agent): "What did you say?"

(Dave): "Yes, sir. What?"

(tubby agent): "What did you say?"

(Dave): "I just said that last night on the program, former president Bill Clinton was here."

(tubby agent): "Wait. He left?"

(Dave): "Well, yes. He was here last night."

(tubby agent): "Any idea where he went?"

(Dave): "No. I'm sorry, I don't."

(tubby agent): "Oh,        . I'm screwed!"

(The tubby guy scampers, to the degree possible with his 475 pounds, out the back entrance of the studio.)

(CBSO): plays Johnny Rivers' "Secret Agent Man" ••• Herman Cain is soaring in the polls. / "Get to Know the 9-9-9 Plan" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "The 9-9-9 Plan takes the complex issue of taxing Americans fairly, and makes it simple. U.S. citizens under the age of 9 pay a 9% flat tax, while citizens older than 9, but younger than 99, pay a 9% flat tax plus a 9% national sales tax. The 9-9-9 Plan does not tax individuals older than 99. Corporations pay a 9% tax on revenues, with installments payable on the 9th of each month. A simple formula results in 99% of charitable contributions qualifying for a 0.9% reduction in the 9% flat tax on those contributions."

9x  -  .9y + 99z = $999.99


        y = TAXABLE INCOME

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "The 9-9-9 Plan!"

(clip of Herman Cain from Tuesday night): "That's right!"

••• New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. / video:
(Mitt, speaking): "I'll have to look at the specific piece of legislation to see what portions I agree with, and which portions I disagree with. But I can tell you that..."

(FX): Romney disappears, and a giant hot dog (with mustard) appears in his place.

(Mitt, speaking): (doesn't really matter what he's saying at this point)

(FX): A giant ice cream cone, with sprinkles, appears in the hot dog's place.

(FX): A baked (but clucking) chicken (with flapping wings) appears in the cone's place.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "You can almost smell the top-quality entertainment." ••• desk chat: Rick Perry was doing well in the GOP race, but he's down in the polls. Newt Gingrich had his Tiffany's account. Perry has a new commercial, and it attacks Mitt Romney's position on health care. It's intense. / video:
(black screen and text): "A true 'conservative' ?"

(numerous clips)

(newsman): "Time after time, the White House has pointed to Massachusetts law as the model for its Obamacare."

(Barack Obama): "I agree with Mitt Romney."

(Mitt Romney): "There are a lot of reasons not to elect me."

(doctored video, we hope): We see a smiling Mitt Romney smothering a hospital patient with his pillow.

(graphic): "Romney. Change you can believe in?"

••• Top Ten Things Michele O'Bachmann Said During Her Trip to New York City ••• Bill O'Reilly plugs his book, Killing Lincoln, in multiple segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave's excited to introduce another visit of Cartoon Dave, right upon his desk top, kind of like Topo Gigio. Nothing. More nothing. Eventually Dave checks in with graphic art director Chris Dimino.
(Dave): "I'm the one who looks like a fool, because there's a problem here. Where's the kid in Graphics? Chris Dimino? Where is...where is Chris? Chris? What... We're having a problem with Cartoon Dave. What's goin' on here? Why isn't he on my desk?"

(Chris, at his desk upstairs): "Uh, yeah. That's a good question. When did you ask for it?"

(Dave): "Uhhhhh. About an hour ago."

(Chris): "Did you call the Graphics department yourself?"

(Dave): "No. No, I didn't."

(Chris): "OK. So, did you assume we could create a cartoon whenever you feel like it, numbnuts?"

(Dave, smiling): "Yeah. Yeah, good one! I guess I... I guess I did, yeah."

(Chris): "Well, I don't have that, but I do have a kangaroo kicking you in the head."

(animation from 8/03/11): We see a kangaroo standing in the #1 guest chair, kicking Dave in the head seven times.

(Dave): "Actually, that's not bad! Thanks very much, Chris!"

(Chris): nods

(Dave): "Now, you get back to work now."

••• Martina McBride sings. She's from Kansas. Martina first appeared on the Late Show on 1/12/96. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/14/11 [3564]: Dave welcomes us to Late Night with Dave Letterman. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a gentleman from New Zealand. ••• There are presidential debates everywhere you look. How about a handy scheduling guide? / video:

(Freeplay music: "Breaking Now," by Garrod, Hays and Schreer)

(voice-over): "On November 9th, CNBC will televise a debate between the candidates at Oakland University in Michigan. On November 15th, The Food Network presents a GOP roundtable discussion with moderator Guy Fieri. On November 28th, Animal Planet hosts the first underwater debate, in a shark tank. On December 10th, it's the Game Show Network's turn. And on December 17th, the Soap Network presents the most dramatic debate yet."

(doctored clip): We see Michele O'Bachmann looking intently at a moderator, who says in soap opera style, "There is no baby. You're not pregnant," followed immediately by a clip of a smiling Mitt Romney.

(graphic): Republican elephant

(voice-over): "Check your local listings."

••• The Underpants Bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, pleaded guilty on October 12. / video:
(music): Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train"

(photo): Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (with GUILTY stamped over him)

(voice-over): "The Underpants Bomber has pleaded guilty to all charges. The Department of Homeland Security welcomes the end of this troubling case, and reminds friends and foes alike: If you feel your underpants are about to explode, get far away from people and property."

(animation): A guy in his underpants stands in the middle of a meadow. His underpants explode shortly.

(graphic): Homeland Security seal

(voice-over): "The Department of Homeland Security: We are us."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan's enjoying a partially-eaten apple he found in the back of a cab. Score! ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.
(We see Bruce and Linda at Dave's desk, with a large display of sunflowers in front of them.)

(Bruce): "Thanks, Dave. This weekend, Linda and I will be taking karate lessons on the show." (karate grunt)

(Linda): "I think it's karaté, Bruce. Karaté."

(Bruce): "Is that how they say it?"

(Linda): "I think so."

(Bruce): "Well, I guess that's karaté lesson number one."

(Linda): "And we're also gonna show you some inexpensive ways you can insulate your house, using things you'd normally throw away."

(Bruce): "Dry cleaner bags, dryer lint... sounds crazy, but it works!"

(Linda): "All that and more, plus the farm report, on the Weekend Late Show."

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. It stalls on 5. Dave investigates.
(Dave): "Wait a minute. What? What? Hold it! Hey. Hey. Is it jammed? What happened?"

(Paul): "I think it is."

(Dave): "Where's Bruce? Bruce? Where's Harold? Oh, there you are. Uh, the thing... Did you see it? The opening... there's something wrong. Go down and see. Where is it? Is it downstairs?"

(Head Carpenter, Harold Larkin): "Downstairs."

(Dave): "Can you check it?"

(Harold): "Sure."

(Dave): "It stopped on five. Was it five? It just stopped. Go down and check it. Thanks."

(Harold): "OK."

(Dave): "Thanks very much. We'll get to the bottom of this in a second. We had a malfunction."

(We see Harold headed downstairs to the mechanical room. It's full of electrical distribution panels. A red light is flashing. Behind a clear wall, Pat Farmer is seriously injured.

(Harold): "Hey!"

(Pat, as Mr. Spock, struggles to stand. He has been blinded. Sparks fly.)

(Pat): "The show... out of danger?"

(Harold): "Yes.

(Pat): "The needs of the many... outweigh..."

(Harold): "The needs of the few..."

(Pat): "...or the one."

(The two stagehands touch hands across the Plexiglass panel separating them.)

(Pat): "Live long and prosper."

(Pat falls to the floor. He has kicked the bucket.)

(Harold): "Pat, no! No!"

(Harold notices a breaker box nearby.)

(Harold): "Oh, there it is."

(Harold resets the breaker. The montage continues to 4 and beyond. What a heroic bastard!)

(Me): Don't worry, Pat. It'll all be better in Late Show III: The Search for Pat.

••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying the Japanese Toilet Bike ••• Artie Lange plugs The Nick and Artie Show on www.nickandartie.com. ••• Herman Cain has the 9-9-9 Plan. We welcome The 9-9-9 Dancers to the stage to celebrate the plan. Uh, what? Three individuals appear and dance around, but there are only two 9s. The other is Dracula. Dave calls for Costume Designer Sue Hum, who explains, "The costume shop ran out of 9s!" ••• The Late Show's own Eddie Brill does stand-up. ••• Beirut sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/17/11: REPEAT FROM 9/08/11

10/18/11: REPEAT FROM 9/26/11

10/19/11: REPEAT FROM 9/21/11

10/20/11: REPEAT FROM 10/05/11

10/21/11: REPEAT FROM 9/27/11

10/24/11 [3565]: [Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi was killed on October 20 by one of his dictatees. He'll be a recurring topic for a while, as we all come to grips with his long-overdue kickage of the bucket.] ••• [Muammar's carcass is currently decomposing in a meat locker in Libya, as he hasn't been embalmed.] ••• "Also on Display in the Libyan Meat Locker" / video:

(title graphic)

(artist's rendition of Qaddafi's carcass, plus peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "In addition to Muammar Qaddafi, we also have the late Ricardo Montalban."

(artist's rendition of Ricardo's carcass, on a comfy mattress)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Also on Display in the Libyan Meat Locker.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Ow!" / video:
(title graphic and goofy music)

(clip): On October 23, Brian Robison of the Minnesota Vikings, laying on his back after an NFL play, kicks T. J. Lang of the Green Bay Packers in the jewels.

(play-by-play man): "That's not good."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, via a lion puppet show ••• with flames FX: Top Ten Things Qaddafi Wants to Say from Hell / (Can you do a satellite feed from that far underground?) ••• Salma Hayek plugs the animated film, Puss in Boots. ••• Keith Olbermann plugs his new program, Countdown. ••• Act 5: Cameraman extraordinaire Dave Dorsett previews tomorrow's telecast. ••• more Olbermann ••• Jane's Addiction sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/25/11 [3566]: Michael Z. McIntee announces tonight. ••• Dave's audience shout out is to a guy in a bright red shirt. ••• President Obama's podium and TelePrompTer were stolen from a truck on October 18. The people at the White House improvised. / video:

(clip): President Obama outside the White House, speaking

(Obama): "The new government is consolidating control over the country..."

(The shot widens. We see a Secret Service agent crouched below Obama, holding the Seal of the President of the United States, microphones and the text of the address.)

(Obama): "... and one of the world's longest-serving dictators is no more."

(peppy music): the Love American Style theme song

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "We'll be back with more hilarious podium jokes! Stick around."

••• interruption: A weary-looking Alan Kalter crosses the stage, pulling a suitcase on wheels.
(Dave): "Excuse me. I'm sorry. Pardon me. Alan?"

(Alan): "Yeah?"

(Dave): "You know, we're... the show is... you're late."

(Alan): "Look..."

(Dave): "We're... what's goin' on?"

(Alan): "I've had a... I've had a very long, difficult day, and I can't deal with your questions right now."

(Dave): "Now, wait a minute. I... I... I... I... I'm sorry about that, but I think I deserve an explanation."

(Alan, looking bereaved): "I was at Qaddafi's funeral."

(audience): laughs their asses off

(Dave, sympathetic): "Were you two close?"

(Alan): "What do you think, ass     ?"

(Alan moseys on over to his perch.)

(Dave, giggling): "I don't know. I'd like to see the guy get here on time."

••• monologue: "Qaddafi... Did you read this? I thought this was fascinating... left his wardrobe to Elton John." ••• monologue: Americans often skip breakfast. The reasons they give are fascinating. / video:
(clip): a young family at the breakfast table

(voice-over): "A new study has found that 31,000,000 Americans skip breakfast daily. Among the common reasons given: people were either not hungry or too busy."

(clip): diners at a restaurant

(voice-over): "However, the majority of participants reported losing their appetite after waking up to this."

(clip from Live!): We see Regis Philbin blowing up a balloon using his right nostril.

(photo): Regis, smiling

(voice-over): "Regis Philbin: 'Kiss me, I'm Irish.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Oh, crap! I forgot to do a joke. Eh, next time." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave wants to talk politics. He sets up the discussion by warning us that he's in the lower 1/3 of intelligence. He has difficulty finding the polling place, since it's moved from the firehouse. Dave started out liking Herman Cain. He may be nuts, but he has energy. He drives a Buick with a trunkful of pizza. He answers questions with, "I don't know." Dave seems to appreciate his honesty.

  2. Do we want a president named Newt? (Is he related to the salamander?)

  3. Do we want a president named Mitt?

  4. Dave saw a campaign commercial for Herman Cain today. / video:
    (title graphic): "Cain 2012" with a torch

    (clip): "Mark Block here. Since January, I've had the privilege of being the chief of staff to Herman Cain. We need you to get involved, because together we can do this. We can take this country back."

    (another clip): Mark Block dragging on a cigarette

    (really bad campaign music)

    (photo): Herman Cain, smiling (title graphic): "Cain 2012" with a torch

  5. Guess what! We've got another Herman Cain ad. / video (which must be bogus):
    (title graphic): "Cain 2012" with a torch

    (clip of a bearded man in front of a brick wall): "Rich Lowrie here. I'm chief economic adviser for Herman Cain. Government must get off of our backs, out of our pockets and out of our way!"

    (clip): Now Rich is eating a giant plate of spaghetti.

••• Top Ten Details of Rick Perry's Tax Plan ••• Eddie Murphy plugs Tower Heist. (Dave messes up by referring to Eddie's castmate, Matthew Broderick, as Broderick Crawford.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jane Levy plugs Suburgatory. ••• Mayer Hawthorne sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/26/11 [3567]: We see a campaign commercial for Herman Cain. / video:

(title graphic): "Cain 2012" with a torch

(clip): "Mark Block here. Since January, I've had the privilege of being the chief of staff to Herman Cain. We need you to get involved, because together we can do this. We can take this country back."

(another clip): Mark Block dragging on a cigarette

(really bad campaign music)

(photo): Herman Cain, smiling

(title graphic): "Cain 2012" with a torch

••• It seems to be true that Lindsay Lohan will appear naked in Playboy, and here's the announcement. / video:
(photo): an issue of Playboy

(voice-over): "Playboy magazine is excited to announce that Lindsay Lohan will appear in an upcoming issue. However, due to legal requirements, Playboy is obliged to photograph both Lindsay and her parole officer."

(Photoshop fun): Lindsay and her parole officer, both naked, with black boxes over certain strategic areas

(voice-over): "Playboy: You report. We decide."

••• monologue:
"You know who I'm talkin' about when I say Muammar Qaddafi? You know who I'm talkin' about? A couple of days ago, they find him hidin' in a storm sewer, and they pulled him out and they killed him. So then they had a big funeral, and I didn't think it was gonna be that big a deal. But did you see the funeral? I mean, Elton John was... did you? At the Qaddafi funeral? He performed "Camel in the Wind." ••• monologue: "But you know, you think about it... what an awful... here's a guy in power for 42 years, killin' people and stealin' money. They finally get him in a storm sewer, and they pull him out, they beat him up and they shoot him. I mean... something like this, in a transitional situation, has not happened since, oh, I guess, Conan."
••• CSI: Miami is right on top of it. It's like the script comes out of any daily newspaper. We see a clip from the latest episode. / video:
(clip): We see just the feet of a hanged corpse.

(Sofia Milos): "Teenagers spotted him a few blocks away."

(David Caruso): "Do we know who our victim is?"

(new shot): the hanged corpse of Col. Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi

(Sofia Milos): "Dr. Carlos Garza. I think somebody put Dr. Garza on display."

(David Caruso): "I think somebody just got our attention."

(opening montage)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has a lengthy discussion with Paul, with censored examples, about words the often follow the legendary F word. The Oxford Dictionary people have studied this. Paul suggests "F yourself." Felicia Collins pipes up with "F face." Dave turns over all the cards.

  2. We see the very latest Herman Cain commercial, with a smoking Mark Block, and this time with the Indonesian smoking two-year-old.
••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Muammar Qaddafi's Funeral / #5: "Where is his hot daughter, Kim Kadafi?" ••• bumper: the smoking two-year-old ••• Justin Timberlake plugs In Time." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jennifer Esposito, last seen on the Late Show on 9/10/02, plugs Blue Bloods. It seems that her doggie swallowed a sock. ••• The Civil Wars sing a song that I was afraid would never end. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Foster the People played a Live Webcast at 9 P.M. EDT tonight.]

10/27/11 [3568]: monologue: We have Governor Rick Perry, live via satellite from Austin, Texas, on split screen with Dave. He's completely unresponsive to Dave, since he's on tape. ••• monologue: Dave checks in with Alan Kalter, who's wearing Col. Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi's dress white uniform (looking fabulous, of course). The Colonel left the uniform to him in his will. Dave thinks Alan looks like a doorman. ••• Qaddafi's carcass has been in a meat locker freezer since he was exterminated. In the brand new segment, "Phrases We Didn't Know We'd Be Saying a Week Ago," we see a series of news anchors using the word freezer. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Wow! Nice TV! Guess you're doin' pretty well for yourself, huh? Just stay here." ••• desk chat:

  1. We go to split screen with Gov. Rick Perry and Alan Kalter (as Qaddafi), just as we'd see on Nightline.

  2. It's another look at Herman Cain's campaign commercial, with Mark Block.

  3. Next it's a bogus Herman Cain campaign ad, with "Rich Lowrie" eating cotton candy.

  4. Now it's back to Austin, Texas with Gov. Perry and Dave on split screen.
••• Top Ten Ways Netflix Can Win Back Customers ••• Johnny Depp plugs The Rum Diary, written by his old buddy, Hunter S. Thompson. Johnny's become one of Dave's best guests, I think. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Jungle Jack Hanna's Animal Fun Facts": capybara ••• Foster the People sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a clip of "Rich Lowrie" eating cotton candy

10/28/11 [3569]: We all know the classic, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. It was shown on ABC last night, but they monkeyed with it. / video: Linus is fussing about the Great Pumpkin when a giant head of Herman Cain rises. Linus promptly faints. ••• Well, our friends in Libya finally slapped together a funeral for Col. Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi, who croaked eight days ago. / CNN video:

(scenes from Libya, with bottom third graphics)

(voice-over): "Muammar Qaddafi was buried in a secret location in Libya this week. Among those in attendance were close friends Mario Van Peebles, Jeff Goldblum and Mr. T, along with a special performance by the great Elton John."

(Elton John singing "Candle in the Wind")

(voice-over): "Myron James, CNN."

••• monologue:
"How about that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie? Anybody here from New Jersey? OK. We're gonna follow you home! Uh, Governor Chris Christie, and he's now... they think he'll be running for president, you know, maybe not in 2012, but beyond that... 2016 or something. And he's already tryin' to bone up on foreign policy, so he traveled abroad. And at first he was going to Egypt, but no, he's goin' to Israel. That's where he's goin'. Yeah. He's goin' to Israel. It'll be his first trip abroad, if you don't count the International House of Pancakes."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and your local time and temperature (Sorry... not available.) ••• desk chat:
  1. An audience guy, Herman from Brooklyn, wants the CBSO to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Dave's been making a fuss about this for quite some time, and of course is continuing to boycott the organization. Also on Dave's boycott list are the Indian Point nuclear reactor and The Cheesecake Factory®. The weasels at the factory were supposed to contact Dave, but they blew him off.

  2. Dave was taking Harry to school this morning, and Harry told a second-grade joke to Dave. It goes exactly like this:
    (Harry): "Uh, Daddy?"

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (Harry): "Uh, will you, uh, will you remember me tomorrow?"

    (Paul): "Oh yes."

    (Dave, to Paul): "Have you heard this?"

    (Paul): "I heard it some time ago."

    (Dave, to Paul): "Oh, you've heard it."

    (Paul): "Well, when I was in second grade, I heard it. But go ahead."

    (Dave, to Paul): "Oh, so you heard the joke when you were in the second grade!"

    (Paul): "I heard it back then."

    (Dave, to Paul): "I see. It's grade-specific, then."

    (Paul): "Yes. Second grade."

    (Harry): "Daddy, will you remember me tomorrow?"

    (Dave): "Yes, sure."

    (Harry): "Daddy, will you remember me in a month?"

    (Dave): "Yes, sure."

    (Harry): "Daddy, will you remember me in a year?"

    (Dave): "Yes, sure."

    (Harry): "Daddy, will you remember me in five years?"

    (Dave): "Yes, sure."

    (Harry): "Knock knock."

    (Dave): "Who's there?"


••• We see the Herman Cain/Mark Block smoking ad. We have another Herman Cain ad. / video: This time his campaign adviser, "Rich Lowrie" is smoking two at once. ••• Bruce and Linda have the promo for the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(We see Bruce and Linda at Dave's desk, with the usual giant sunflowers.)

(Linda): "Thank you, Dave. Some show you've got tonight! And we're gonna keep that excitement going tomorrow, when I interview Morey Amsterdam's nephew, who has a treasure trove of great stories from his uncle about the old Dick Van Dyke Show. He's got a whole book of them!"

(Bruce): "And I took a trip to a local NHL hockey arena, to see what it's like to be the man behind the wheel of a Zamboni!"

(Linda): "Oh, did they let you drive it?"

(Bruce): "You'll just have to wait and see tomorrow."

(Linda): "That'll be good. We'll also going to step into our "cook" arena and show you some wonderful low-sodium brownie recipes. Yum!"

(Bruce): "So bring your appetite tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

••• Top Ten Signs Herman Cain's Campaign Is in Trouble ••• Tom Brokaw visits with Dave about the importance of each American citizen doing something to make America competitive again. His book on the subject is The Time of Our Lives: A Conversation About America. A strong argument could be made that Tom has been Dave's best guest over the years. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Myq Kaplan does stand-up. ••• The Head and the Heart sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/31/11 [3570]: [The Northeast received a nasty early winter storm on Saturday, with 32 inches of snow in Peru, Massachusetts, for example, and major power outages in several states.] ••• monologue:

"Hey... happy Halloween, ladies and gentlemen! Here in New York City for Halloween weekend, a big snowstorm. Anybody caught in the big snowstorm... the big blizzard? And now it's so cold... you know how cold it is here in New York City? It's so cold Muammar Qaddafi is happy to be in hell."
••• monologue: "Thank goodness the applause sign is hooked up to the backup generator!" ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Toronto in a Red Wings sweater. ••• "Looking Good, Morley" / video: We see a clip of 60 Minutes' Morley Safer, looking like he's almost asleep. ••• "Scary Videotape Clip of the Night" / It's a shirtless Regis Philbin on Live! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and trying to give away his pumpkin guts ••• "New Halloween Costumes" / We see:
  • Sophia as Dick Cheney's artificial heart, complete with turning gears / treat: shoe trees

  • Anna as stuff on the bottom of auto floor mats / treat: a bowl of dry pasta, the sensible snack

  • Emily as tangled iPod® earphones / treat: popped bubble wrap / Emily is the daughter of Justin Stangel, born 12/18/04.

  • Mia as Mitt Romney's hair / treat: the Perfect Meatloaf Pan Set / Mia has to be Mia Danielle "Zoogy" Togneri, Michele O'Callaghan's daughter, born 5/02/03.

  • Samantha as an eyeglasses repair kit / treat: Neutrogena® MicroMist™ Tanning Sunless Spray

  • Anna (again) as a bunch of grapes with one rotten one / treat: GNC Pro Performance® 100% Whey Protein

  • Brandon as a horder's stuff / treat: a wad of worthless Greek currency

  • Emily (again) as paper jammed in a photocopy machine / treat: ribs!

  • Arlo as Governor Chris Christie's double chin / treat: paper circles from a hole puncher / Arlo is Sheila Rogers' kid... born 11/12/04.

  • Dean as Muammar Qaddafi hiding in a drain / treat: two tickets for a canceled Knicks game
••• Tony La Russa of the St. Louis Cardinals, who won the World Series on October 28, visits with Dave about his announced retirement. We get a look at the World Series trophy. ••• Jesse Eisenberg plugs his Broadway play, Asuncion, at the Cherry Lane Theatre, 38 Commerce Street. ••• Act 5: a shot of the Halloween costume kids, eating pizza in the green room ••• more Jesse Eisenberg ••• Puscifer sing. ••• with credits: the Halloween costume kids ••• Alan Kalter says good night

11/01/11 [3571]: "Welcome to Late Night with David Letterman." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who wanted to know Daddy's favorite color: blue. ••• The big pre-Halloween snowstorm hit New Jersey hard. There was 1½ feet of snow in places. Governor Chris Christie has issued this special announcement. / video:

(the governor's mansion and the Great Seal of the State of New Jersey, with Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "New Jersey authorities are working around the clock to restore electricity to your homes. In the mean time, if you have any ice cream in your freezer that's about to melt, Governor Chris Christie is ready to help."

(action photo): Governor Christie chowing down on ice cream

(portrait): a well-fed Governor Christie

(voice-over): "Chris Christie: There for the people."

••• Kim Kardashian, who has the colossal hind quarters, is getting divorced from the ex-NBA player after 72 days, so let's make fun of her with "Kim Kardashian Husband Draft." / video:
(music): wedding music prelude

(voice-over): "Would you like to be Kim Kardashian's next husband? You can! Just sign with any professional sports team, and you will soon be called to a free agent meeting at the Los Angeles Convention Center by Kris Jenner. It all culminates at Radio City Music Hall during the Kim Kardashian Husband Draft."

(a well-dressed NBA spokesman at the podium): "The first pick to be Kim Kardashian's next husband, from Arizona State University, Russell Andrews."

(voice-over): "The 'Kim Kardashian Husband Draft,' where champions are made."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. 2 Broke Girls is new on CBS, and we have the "2 Broke Girls Word of the Night." / video: The girls take turns saying vagina for a total of seven times, and penis once.

  2. Dave finally heard from The Cheesecake Factory, so he's taking them off the boycott list.

  3. Additional boycottees are the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and the Indian Point Nuclear Power Plant.

  4. Dave and Paul have a lengthy discussion on the legalities of saying vagina on late night television. The staff's consensus was it's OK to say , as long as you're serious about it... but no horsing around! No fun allowed!
••• Top Ten Things That Have Lasted Longer than the Kardashian Marriage ••• Ben Stiller plugs Tower Heist.
[I got to see Ben on June 10 after DaveCon 2011 in his Broadway play, The House of Blue Leaves. He and the entire cast, including Jennifer Jason Leigh and Edie Falco, gave wonderful performances. The theater is right across 48th St. from my hotel.]
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Whitney Cummings plugs Whitney and 2 Broke Girls. ••• The cast of Godspell perform. The play's scheduled to open on November 7 at the Circle in the Square Theatre, 1633 Broadway. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/02/11 [3572]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Jerry from Scranton. ••• Texas Governor Rick Perry gave a goofy speech in New Hampshire on Friday, prompting many to wonder if he had tossed back a few, which brings us to "Rick Perry: Drunk?" / video:

(title graphic)

(Perry, speaking and gesturing like a gay man): "That little plan that I just shared with you doesn't force the Granite State to expand your tax footprint... if you know what I mean. Like nine percent expansion."

(title graphic)

••• What's the next big invention from Apple Computer? Guess what! Apple has asked the Late Show to do testing on their new prototype, the iJoke®. / video of a 1960s-era contraption with lots of switches:
(iJoke): "Hello, Dave. I... have... a... joke."

(Dave): "Oh, good!"

(iJoke): "Justin Bieber... has... been... named... in... a... pa... ternity... suit. It is... pretty... clear... that... the... baby... is his."

(photo): a sleeping male baby with Justin Bieber wrap-around hair

(FX): Boing sound

(iJoke): "Ha ha. Get it? Ha ha."

••• It's another look at the Herman Cain campaign ad, with Mark Block smoking. / video ••• We get another visit with the iJoke®. / animation:
(iJoke): "Kim... Kardashian... is... getting... divorced. Did... you... see... the... divorce... lawyer... she hired?"

(Dave): "Let's see. Is it a guy with a big, fat ass?"

(iJoke): "That... is... correct."

(Photoshop fun): some guy with a big, fat ass (in profile)

(FX): Boing sound

••• "Who Does Rick Perry Remind Us Of?" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(Gov. Rick Perry): "I grew up on a farm."

(George W. Bush): "I like to fish."

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Who Does Rick Perry Remind Us Of?' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dr. Condoleezza made a special request for an episode of "What's on the iPod?" Here we go:
(theme song): "What's on the iPod?," sung to Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?" (performed by Will Lee and the CBSO)

(outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert Jee)

Dave visits with Rupert for a while about his Late Show merchandise. Buy the stuff, wear it and smell of salami for the rest of your life!

Our contestant is Sonya Maslova, Pharm.D., from Brooklyn, New York. (What a beauty!) She's a pharmacist at a CVS Pharmacy in Brooklyn. It'll be a bit of a rough production tonight, as the last round of "What's on the iPod?" was played on 8/21/07. Alan tells us that Sonya will be playing for a Panini maker.

Audio to Sonya is turned off as Alan reveals the name of the song, "You Make Me Feel," by Cobra Starship, featuring Sabi.

Rupert begins caterwauling to the tune, and Sonya has no clue. Rupert's serenade runs well past the intended 30 seconds, and Dave goes to commercial. After commercial, Sonya can't come up with the title, but with a consolation prize of a Deli Platter, how can you complain?

••• Dr. Condoleezza Rice plugs her new book, No Higher Honor. Dave conducts a respectful and very interesting interview, including details of her close involvement with 9/11/01. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a special message to Kris Humphries (the Kim Kardashian dumpee): "Tough break, bro." ••• out of commercial: Dave apologizes for the statement in Dr. Rice's interview that the last attack on the United States was in the war of 1812. Pearl Harbor was inadvertently forgotten. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs Puss in Boots. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/03/11 [3573]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from San Diego. ••• Happy eighth birthday to Harry Letterman! Trump wants to see his birth certificate. ••• Democrats are claiming that GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain had some issues with sexual harassment in the 1990s, which he denies. We have "From the Secret Files of the National Restaurant Association." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "March 2002: An unnamed food chain paid a $2,000,000 fine and agreed to prohibit employees from having sex inside the mascot costume."

(animation): A mascot, in the form of a double-decker hamburger, is seen in a rhythmic motion.

(voice-over): "This has been 'From the Secret Files of the National Restaurant Association.' "

(title graphic)

••• The New York City Marathon is too popular. / video:
(clip of masses of people running)

(voice-over): "The prestigious New York City Marathon is a victim of its own success. With some 47,000 runners competing this year, the marathon is simply too crowded. Therefore, we are asking all runners to stay home, and run in place, on the honor system."

(clip): Runner 58125 is seen running a few steps in his living room. He checks his watch and excitedly exclaims, "Holy crap, I won! I won the New York City Marathon!"

(voice-over): "Thanks for your understanding."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan gives the rundown, then warns, "Unless you misbehave, in which case I make it all go away." ••• desk chat: For some time, Dave's been trying to get into the mind of Young Hollywood. By that he means rascals like Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen and, of course, Regis. To his great disappointment, he can't help them. But is Dave responsible, or is it Young Hollywood? / "Shortest Celebrity Marriages" / video:
(title graphic)

(photos of temporarily-happy couples)

(voice-over): "Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries: 72 days. Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra: 9 days. Britney Spears and Jason Alexander: 55 hours. Albert Brooks and Dave Letterman: 15 minutes."

(clip from 5/09/11): Albert Brooks, in the guest chair, after considerable begging, receives the world's briefest and least-enthusiastic kiss from Dave.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Shortest Celebrity Marriages.' "

(title graphic)

••• Matt Lauer presents the Top Ten Matt Lauer Travel Tips. ••• Mark Harmon plugs NCIS and his movie, Certain Prey. ••• desk chat interruption: What's that buzzing sound? Is it Dave's tinnitus? No, Paul hears it, too. What, then? We're trying to do a show here! Oh, it figures. A barber (who looks like John DiGioia) is working on Alan Kalter at his perch, putting the final touches on a haircut. We're relieved, because with Alan involved, anything could have been happening. / Now what? Over on Stage Right, Anton Fig is getting his teeth cleaned. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mike Judge plugs the return of Beavis and Butt-Head on MTV, and favors us with a reenactment of a scene from a recent episode. ••• bumper: It's a clip from a visit of Beavis and Butt-Head to the guest chairs in the 1990s ••• The Eli Young Band sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/04/11 [3574]: Regis is retiring from Live! this month. The show will try several possible hosts to see who fits best. Here's "Replacement for Regis." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Week 1: an unbalanced washing machine."

(animation): A top-loading washer of unknown manufacturer on spin cycle tries to upstage Kelly Ripa.

(voice-over): "We'll miss you, Regis."

(title graphic)

••• The big news of the week (if not Kim Kardashian's 72-day marriage) is the accusation that Herman Cain was involved in sexual harassment back in the 1990s during his tour with the National Restaurant Association. / video: We see a Godfather's Pizza commercial. / video:
(Godfather's logo)

(voice-over): "Godfather's Pizza proudly welcomes new CEO Herman Cain. Under Herman's stewardship, you can expect the tastiest pizza with the freshest toppings! Plus, check out Herman's new line of erotic pizzas."

(Photoshop fun): a young couple with a pixelated-out pizza in the shape of a wiener

(seductive music)

(Photoshop fun): a smiling Herman Cain holding a pixelated-out pizza in the shape of a wiener

(voice-over): "Only at Godfather's Pizza!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and having trouble playing Angry Birds on an iPad® ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave tells us about a strange encounter with (fill in the blank) in the preshow questions. He said that Dave came to his parents' place in Indianapolis to do a story about a treehouse. Dave says it never happened, and they had the guy taken away.

  2. Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.

    (Linda): "Thanks, Dave. We have a star-studded show lined up tomorrow. Robert Guillaume is here. He was TV's Benson."

    (Bruce): "I think he did the Milk of Magnesia ads, too. And we're gonna talk Broadway with the one and only Miss Chita Rivera. Maybe she'll teach us a couple of dance moves."

    (Linda): "We're also gonna kick off our new "Rate Your Mate" series with Dr. Dee Dorsey, who will illustrate some common relationship issues, and let you see how your significant other stacks up."

    (Bruce): "Uh oh. I hope my wife isn't watching! Ha ha. All that, plus adorable pets you can adopt."

    (Linda): "All on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

  3. Paul has a mini-rant about Dave padding his bank account even more by repurposing the studio on dark days.
••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Running in the New York City Marathon ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up, seated in a chair, as usual, then has a nice visit with Dave. He had some really funny material about Thanksgiving turkeys and dumb chickens. Dr. Cosby has a new book, I Didn't Ask to Be Born (But I'm Glad I Was). ••• Receptionist Art Kelly reprises his role in "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary." I don't care for this segment, so I'm not going to spend 20 minutes typing up the transcript. ••• Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit did two more songs, exclusively for the web, after the show.]

11/07/11 [3575]: Tonight's audience shout out is to some guy who referred to "Cutting Edge Dave." ••• "Inspiring Stories of the New York City Marathon" / video:

(title graphic and inspiring music)

(voice-over): "Ted Jensen of White Plains, New York ran to raise money for research into obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unfortunately, Ted didn't finish, because he got distracted by picking up the little cups."

(clip): It's Ted, picking up all the cups he can hold.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Inspiring Stories of the New York City Marathon.' "

(title graphic)

••• Tonight only: everyone in the balcony is a Herman Cain accuser! ••• Women are coming out of the woodwork to accuse Herman Cain of sexual misdeeds. / "Other GOP Allegations of Sexual Misconduct" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "October 4th, 1994: Newt Gingrich engaged in inappropriate conduct with a Capital Hill vending machine."

(animation): Newt is seen humping the front of a pop machine.

(FX): rhythmic squeaking sounds

(voice-over): "This has been 'Other GOP Allegations of Sexual Misconduct.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave reflects on the weekend's New York City Marathon. When they fire the starter's pistol, they quickly throw it in the East River. The starter's pistol often receives return fire, by the way.

  2. Here are the Late Show staffers who ran in the marathon:
    • Adam Lloyd, mailroom: 04:38:41
    • Sarah Billington, segment producer: 04:41:59 (her first)
    • Chris Wood, electrician: 04:50:21
    • Pam Norozny, unit manager: 06:10:21

  3. Dave can't run anymore. A couple of years ago, around mile 15, Dave tore something. He jumped off the couch while watching on TV. That was all she wrote for the marathon, but he got his corn chips!
••• "Small Town News" /
  • Medina County Gazette, Medina, Ohio: AUTOMOBILES  "CHEVY Malibu, '99, runs but needs motor, $1000."
  • Wyoming County Press Examiner, Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania: Correction of an obituary for Steven Brown: "Mr. Brown reports that he is alive and well. We regret the mixup."
  • York Daily Record, York, Pennsylvania: "Northern York County Regional Police found 11 marijuana plants... Anyone who wants to claim the plants can call Northern Regional police..."
  • Bellingham Herald, Bellingham, Washington: photo of two muscular young men running cross country: The caption: "Ferndale girls earn win"
  • Dunkirk Observer, Dunkirk, New York: What is your fondest summertime memory? Maggie Wronski (photo) replies, "Puking up Dirty Girl Scout shots on the bar."
  • The Scoop, Winslow, Arizona: Library Book Drop Is Now Locked: "Recent hooliganism has prompted library staff to lock the overnight book drop... several cats have been found in the building... The only explanation was that someone was putting different cats in through the book drop. The cats didn't like it."
  • Sioux City Journal, Sioux City, Iowa: "Graceland Park Cemetery lot, sleeps 5, like new, 50% off OBO."
  • The Dispatch, Lexington, North Carolina: Friday television listings: "Late-night guests: David Letterman 11:35/10:35c CBS  Steve Martin"
••• An excited Steve Martin appears onstage immediately after the newpaper entry to plug his upcoming appearance on Friday. ••• Top Ten Signs Herman Cain Is Losing It ••• desk chat: Steve Martin cares! ••• Melissa McCarthy plugs Mike & Molly. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna is back (on tape) with "Jungle Jack Hanna's Animal Fun Facts." In this episode, Jack has an unruly serval. He says, "The serval is an African cat that actually hears through its nose, and smells through its ears! Prove me wrong!" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hey, look. I'm on TV!" ••• Anthony Bourdain of The Travel Channel plugs The Layover. ••• Joan Baez and Kris Kristofferson sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/08/11 [3576]: monologue: "Thank you very much... very nice of you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Late Show. I'm Dave Letterman. The Late Show, of course, as you know, is the safe alternative to Propofol." ••• In "Great Moments on the Campaign Trail," we'll see memorable addresses from three great statesmen. / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(Ronald Reagan, 1980): "For those who have abandoned hope, we'll restore hope, and we'll welcome them into a great national crusade to make America great again."

(Bill Clinton, 1992): "Let it be our cause to see that child grow up strong and secure, braced by her challenges, but never struggling alone."

(Newt Gingrich, 2011): "Where's my Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"

(title graphic)

••• Here's a Godfather's Pizza® commercial, featuring a younger Herman Cain. / video:
(graphic): Godfather's® logo

(photos): pizza, in various stages of preparation

(voice-over): "At Godfather's Pizza, we use the freshest sauce, the tastiest cheese and the most mouth-watering toppings. Additionally, our dough is guaranteed to be the very best, as every pie is expertly spun by our CEO, Herman Cain."

(hopefully-bogus animation): Herman, in an apron, hands on hips, spinning the dough in the general vicinity of his midsection

(voice-over): "Godfather's®: a pizza you can't refuse."

(graphic): Godfather's® logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. An audience man from Chicago, who went to Ball State, wanted to know in the preshow questions what Dave's favorite college bar was. Dave said it was Huff's. (That's interesting, because Huff is Dave's nickname for Harry.)

  2. Dave has a fun story from his Ball State days. Bill Trush was from up by Gary. He and Dave would go drinking on Friday afternoons. One time Dave and Bill caught a ride to the bar, and stayed until it was nearly time for the dining center to close. Neither of them wanted to miss the free meal, but how would they get there in time. Bill said, "I have an idea." He drags Dave into a car dealership near the bar, and asked to take a test drive of a Chevrolet. The salesman said sure, and the three gentlemen loaded into the car, with Bill driving. They drive home, hop out of the car and get their free supper.
••• interruption: Steve Martin shows up in the bottom third of the screen, bouncing around and holding up little signs to promote his appearance on Friday. What a guy! ••• Top Ten Things a Candidate Doesn't Want to Hear on Election Day ••• Robert Pattinson plugs The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1. ••• "Geoffrey Mutai" of Kenya, who won the New York City Marathon in record time of 2:05:06, runs through the Ed to the Chariots of Fire song. / Wait. What? Dude's not from Kenya. It's the guy who beats up Alan (actor Chris Williams). He makes a beeline for Alan and beats the crap out of him. Wait a minute... Alan still has a pulse. "Geoffrey" doubles back and lays some more hurting on Alan. I believe the last time we saw this bit was on June 14, 2010. It's been too long. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Annie Leibovitz drops by to show some photographs. ••• David Crosby and Graham Nash sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/09/11 [3577]: Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi has pledged to resign. Now, who will replace him? / video:

(voice-over, with Italian accent): "People of Italy: Looking to replace Silvio Berlusconi? You need someone with proven business experience to navigate our challenging financial issues, who at the same time will carry on Berlusconi's entertaining, adventurous sexual antics. Italy needs Herman Cain! Herman for Italy. He also knows a lot about pizza."
••• monologue interruption: It's a loud audio tone. Dave first thinks it's his tinnitus, then decides it's the Emergency Broadcast System test announced for today. Audio technician Tom Herrmann, who like every employee on the Late Show staff is provided a live microphone and camera to interrupt the monologue at will, does just that.
(Tom): "Dave... Dave... Dave."

(Dave): "Who's that? What? Hello. Yes."

(Tom): "Yeah, it's me, Tom."

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Tom. How're ya doin'? It's the audio guy, Tom. What's goin' on, Tom?"

(Tom): "It wasn't the Emergency Alert System."

(Dave): "No, I just heard it... that tone. It was the Emergency Alert System, right?"

(Tom): "Uh... I'd just rather listen to a deafening, piercing screech over your bull        material."

(Paul): "That's what happened."

(Dave): "Wow. OK. OK. Well, thanks for clearing that up for us, Tom."

(shot of Tom, scowling)

••• We've had interesting reactions to the Dr. Conrad Murray verdict. / CNN video:
(courtroom scene)

(voice-over): "The verdict in the Dr. Conrad Murray trial prompted a range of emotions among Michael Jackson fans and supporters. For many, sadness mixed with relief that justice had been served. However, Michael's old friend, Bubbles, is still vowing revenge."

(clip): A little monkey fires a revolver.

(CNN logo and voice-over): "More news, after this message from baked beans."

••• Years ago, there was a radio show, Hidden Microphone, and then Alan Funt's Candid Camera. Last week French president Nicolas Sarkozy was overheard at the G12 Summit making derogatory comments about Bebe Netanyahu, president of Israel, which brings us to "Open Microphones in Political History." / video:
(title graphic and movie soundtrack music)

(clip of George W. Bush whispering to Dick Cheney)

(voice-over): "September 24th, 2000: George W. Bush refers to New York Times reporter Adam Clymer as a Major League Ass       .

(clip of Barack Obama with Joe Biden)

(voice-over): "March 23rd, 2010: Vice-President Joe Biden told the President, 'This is a big         deal.' "

(clip of Herman Cain shaking hands with Newt Gingrich)

(voice-over): "November 5th, 2011: Herman Cain greeted Newt Gingrich by saying, 'Damn, Newt, you've got a smokin' hot ass.' "

(voice-over): "The entire production team of 'Open Microphones in Political History' wishes you..."

(clip of the 'Open Microphones in Political History' production team, draped with garlands, gathered to say, "Happy holidays!")

••• TTL montage / interruption: Steve Martin walks onstage with two suit jackets. He wants Dave's input on which he should wear for his appearance on Friday. Dave's busy, plus he's indifferent. Brown or silver? Steve gets a bit choked up, saying, "I can't do this alone." Eventually he screams, "Decide!" Dave chooses the brown jacket. Steve says, "You've really helped. Silver!" and scampers off the set. Who wants to bet we'll see Steve on Thursday's telecast, too? ••• Top Ten Herman Cain Pick-up LInes / Dave has a problem with #4: "I'll be the pizza. You be my topping." He promises a better one. Dave calls for the animation of Newt Gingrich humping a vending machine. ••• Adam Sandler plugs Jack and Jill. ••• Peter Gabriel has an interview, primarily wanting to talk about sex. ••• Peter Gabriel sings with a 46-piece orchestra. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/10/11 [3578]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a woman from Kentucky. ••• "Great Moments on the Campaign Trail" / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(Ronald Reagan, 1980): "For those who have abandoned hope, we'll restore hope, and we'll welcome them into a great national crusade to make America great again."

(Bill Clinton, 1992): "Let it be our cause to see that child grow up strong and secure, braced by her challenges, but never struggling alone."

(Rick Perry, 2011): "The third agency of government I would... I would do away with: Education, uh, the, uh, Commerce... Commerce and, let's see. I can't. The third one... I can't. Sorry. Oops."

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "I don't why everybody's pickin' on Rick Perry. It's nice to see a guy running for president who's only groping for words. Isn't it? You know what I mean?" ••• "Phrases to Avoid if You're Herman Cain" / video:
(title graphic)

(Herman Cain): "Put stuff in the caboose..."

(title graphic and The Newlywed Game theme song)

••• interruption: Steve Martin shows up in the audience to plug his appearance on the Late Show tomorrow. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave got some microphone time last night as his old friend, Tom Brokaw, hosted the International Rescue Committee's Annual Freedom Award Benefit Event at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. He claimed that his jokes largely left the audience in silence. Dave recapped them for us. ••• Rick Perry presents the Top Ten Rick Perry Excuses. ••• "Stupid Human Tricks" /
  1. Brian Pankey from Springfield, Illinois (played on and off with Tommy James and Shondells' "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky") (with "Barack Obama" in the balcony to cheer him on) juggles three apples, taking a bite from each one as it begins its vertical path. Dave loves it.

  2. Warren Hammond from Boulder Colorado fires a glowing dart from a dart gun embedded in his left nostril, exploding a nearby balloon. Bullseye!

  3. Matt Gumm from Branson, Missouri plays Sousa's "Stars and Stripes Forever" with a bicycle tire pump, hitting the notes by varying the squeeze on the nozzle with his thumb. This will go down as one of the all-time greats!
••• Katie Holmes plugs Jack and Jill. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Katie Holmes ••• Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a clip of Brian Pankey juggling apples

11/11/11 [3579]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a shoplifter! Dave whispers the news to the home viewers, asking for a call to the police. ••• monologue: Clint Eastwood's J. Edgar opened tonight. One of J. Edgar Hoover's accomplishments was the first use of mugshots. We're fortunate to have a look at the first mugshot: Hmm. To me it looks like Nick Nolte's booking photo from 2002. ••• Governor Rick Perry had his now-famous brain freeze during the Nov. 9 GOP debate. / video:

(Gov. Perry): "And I will tell you, it's three agencies of government when I get there that are gone: Commerce, Education and, the, uh... What's the third one there?"

(animation): A machine in Perry's head, with lots of gears turning, goes fizzlesprung.


••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and time out for a shave ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave introduces Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, who's sitting in on guitar.

  2. An audience guy confessed to stealing a Late Show sweatshirt. Dave had him beaten, and now has the evidence at his desk. The rascal doesn't seem very repentant after his beating, as an audience shot shows him smiling, with arms raised high. Dave announces that immediately after the telecast he will be transported to a federal penitentiary.
••• It's time for Barack Obama to stop president'n and start campaign'n. / campaign ad video:
(graphic): "In 2008, we made phone calls and knocked on doors."

(clip of Obama with some kid in tow)

(graphic): "We built a movement one conversation at a time."

(clip): flag-waving supporters

(graphic): "We changed the course of history."

(clip): more flag-waving supporters

(graphic): "Thanks to these people, in 2012 we won't have to leave the house."

(Michele O'Bachmann clip): "Because he has a lot of 'chootspaw.' "

(Herman Cain, apparently trying to say Uzbekistan): "Uz bekky bekky stan stan."

(Newt Gingrich): "Where's my Quarter Pounder with Cheese?"

(Mitt Romney): "Who let the dogs out... who? ... who?"

(Rick Perry, in the debate): "...and, the, uh... What's the third one there? Let's see..."

(graphic): "BARACKOBAMA.COM 2012"

(voice-over): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message."

••• Top Ten Things ••• Steve Martin plugs his book, An Object of Beauty, and reflects on his encounter with Elvis. / We see an episode of The Steve & Marty Show, with Paul Shaffer and Nathan Lane. It's a spoof of especially bad morning talk shows. ••• The CBSO and Billy Gibbons play a little ZZ Top into commercial. ••• more Steve Martin / Dave shows an award Steve created for excellence in banjo and bluegrass. Sammy Shelor won it for 2012. The Lonesome River Band join Steve and Dave at the podium. ••• Felicity Jones plugs Like Crazy. ••• Steve Martin with the Lonesome River Band (or The Lonesome River Band with special guest Steve Martin) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a clip of Steve

11/14/11 [3580]: Congressman Ron Paul was given on 89 seconds to speak in the CBS-sponsored GOP debate on Nov. 12, which brings us to "Bias at the Presidential Debates." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "At the South Carolina Republican Debate, CBS showed its bias against Ron Paul by placing his podium next to the ice machine."

(FX): It's a clip of the Congressman speaking in front of a big ice machine that's in the process of dumping brand new ice cubes into the bin.

(voice-over): "Hang in there, Congressman."

••• The nation eagerly awaits the premiere of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1 on Nov. 18. Here's a little spoof. / video:

(Breaking Dawn clips)

(voice-over): "It is the event that will change everything: the wedding of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen before all of their undead family members."

(clip): Bruce and Kris Jenner at a recent well-publicized wedding

(voice-over): "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1: Starts Friday."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan's amusing himself by popping the air pockets in packing material. ••• desk chat:

Regis Philbin is retiring from Live on November 18. Dave will appear on his show on November 16, and Regis will appear on the Late Show on November 17. Dave says, "You don't know the worth of water until the well runs dry." Dave accuses the producers of skimming and financial fraud. You'd think it was Wall Street! Dave names Gelman - that beady-eyed weasel - in the scandal, leaving poor Regis to eek out a living. No one will watch the show now, even though Kelly Ripa is fine. Dave claims Gelman has a plan to be both the producer and the host. He hopes that his appearance on Wednesday will go better than the Tom Brokaw event on November 9.
All this brings us to "Replacements for Regis." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Week 1: an unbalanced washing machine."

(clip): It's the lovely Kelly Ripa on the set of Live, speaking but unintelligible because of the machine's racket.

(graphic and voice-over): "We'll miss you, Regis."

••• Newt Gingrich has topped the GOP presidential polls, so naturally he'll be a big topic in the news in the near future. While James is the most-popular male name, Newt is the 966th-most-popular, so the writers have slapped together the Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different if Everyone Were Named Newt. / #6: Santa now says, "On Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt, on Newt, on Newt, on Newt and Newt." / #2: When you just say "Newt" with no last name, people know you're referring to Newt Winfrey ••• Jason Segel, formerly "a young actor in the early stages of a Gérard Depardieu-style expansion," plugs The Muppets. He's a very good guest. ••• It's the time of year when you begin to reflect and ruminate. Dave thinks it would be fun to bring back a former employee, to find out what they've been up to. Chris Albers was on staff from 1988 to 1993. He appears onstage.
(Chris): "Thanks, Dave. As someone who worked here for five years, I can hardly express how wonderful it is to no longer have anything to do with you. In fact, I'm living proof that even the most-traumatized Late Show staffers can rebuild their lives, once they rid themselves of your toxic influence. In the 18 years since I quit this dump, my sinuses have cleared up, I no longer have violent nightmares that I act out in sleepwalking rampages, I even stopped having stress-related hair loss, unlike some of the poor bastards who still work here."

(shot of Mr. Paul Shaffer)

(Chris continues): "I've learned that you can't really know true happiness until you've been through the depths of hell. So I owe all the good things in my life to that man there, for being a world-class ass      . Thanks for everything, Dave."

(Dave): "Nice to see you. Nice to see you, Chris."

(Dave notices Biff Henderson by the side of the stage.)

(Dave): "Hey, Biff... Biff. What? What's up? The show's not over."

(Biff): "Screw the damn show! I just want my damn hair back!"

(Biff throws down his headset, which will one day be in the Museum of Broadcasting.)

(Dave): "Wow. Tough night. We'll be right back."

••• (You may remember Chris Albers as that snotty Alden Emerson Provost from "Daddy Owns CBS" in late 2010.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Chef Jamie Oliver cooks with Dave. He has a new book, Meals in Minutes. ••• The Kooks sing. I think they fancy themselves as The Beatles. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/15/11 [3581]: monologue interruption: Creative director, digital media Jay Johnson appears with a dessert cart. After learning of all the yummy options, Dave decides to just ask for the check. As Jerry Foley cuts to Paul, we see that he's gnawing on a humongous piece of cake. ••• "Great Pauses in Politics" / video:

(title graphic and orchestral score)

(Herman Cain): "OK... Libya." / eye twitch / lengthy pause

(Governor Rick Perry): "Uh... the... uh... Commerce... and let's see... I can't. The third one, I can't... sorry. Oops."

(President George W. Bush sound check): "On the streets of major cities..." / lengthy pause

(title graphic)

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a University of Kentucky fan, who's seated next to a Duke fan. (UK is playing KU tonight.) ••• "Ringing Endorsement of the Night" / Tonight: Herman Cain's wife, Gloria / video:
(title graphic and triumphant music)

(Greta Van Susteren): "Would he be a good president?"

(Gloria Cain): "I think he would. I think he'd be a great president."

(Greta Van Susteren): "Just think he would?"

(Gloria Cain, shrugging shoulder, rolling eyes): "Yeah..."

(title graphic and triumphant music)

••• Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory have put together technology for three-dimensional imaging of the brain. Herman Cain's the test subject. In a taped interview on November 14 with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Mr. Cain was clearly stumped when asked if he agreed with President Obama's handling of the recent uprising in Libya, resulting in a lengthy pause. / video: We see an animation of a computer processing delay icon, with the text: "Buffering. Please Wait..." followed by "Connection Lost" followed by the error message: "Herman Cain has encountered a problem and needs to shut down." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights •••
  1. What a season for Dave's Indianapolis Colts. They're 0 - 10! Dave talks about televised NFL coverage. When there's a lull in the game, the director will switch to the play-by-play and color guy in the booth. It's always two old guys with their headsets on, jackets off, talking about the game. So you have world-class, fit, young athletes running around on the field, and the old, tubby guys upstairs covering them. It's mindless and embarrassing. Dave's solution is that everyone associated with the game must wear a football uniform and helmet.

  2. Dave's booked for Live with Regis and Kellly on Wednesday morning. Poor Regis was fired... squeezed out by that beady-eyed little weasel, Gelman. Dave's said goodbye to Regis 80 times already. What's left to say? "Get on the bus and take a ride, Regis!" And what about Dave? He's not getting invited over there anymore. It'll be Kelly's pool boy husband, Mark Consuelos, in the co-host seat.
••• "Memories of Regis" / video:
(title graphic)

(New York City doorman): "I've been his doorman for 20 years. And every day, he smiles at me and says, 'Keep up the good work, Eddie.' My name is Roy."

(title graphic)

••• clip of Herman Cain being stumped about Libya / Top Ten Thoughts That Went through Herman Cain's Mind during This Moment / #4: "I'm gonna be on YouTube." ••• Bill Maher plugs his book, The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everyone but Me Has Their Head up Their Ass. ••• "Jungle Jack Hanna's Animal Fun Facts" / video: Jack asks, "Did you know the clouded leopard can not only tell when you're scared, but when you're insincere?" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nikki Reed plugs The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1. / We see a shot of Nikki's lucky husband, Paul McDonald, in the green room, with his messy hair. ••• The Foo Fighters (with Joan Jett) blow the roof off the dump. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• The logo voice-over guy asks, "Do you smell taters?"

11/16/11 [3582]: interruption: Beavis and Butt-Head are watching Dave's monologue. Butt-Head opines in his familiar lisp, "That sucked more than anything has ever sucked before." ••• In a taped interview on November 14 with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Herman Cain was stumped when asked if he agreed with President Obama's handling of the recent uprising in Libya, resulting in a lengthy pause. / "Cain Libya Answer — Time Elapsed" / 2 days, 9 hours, 36 minutes, 35 seconds / Herman squirms and eventually answers, "I've got all this stuff twirlin' around in my head." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'd like to wish you and yours a very joyous, peaceful Hump Day." ••• out of commercial: Dave runs off an Occupy Wall Street protestor he finds under his desk. ••• Regis is retiring on November 18. / "Memories of Regis":

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(Executive producer Jude Brennan): "It was never proven, but we believe that back in 2007, he killed one of our production assistants."

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

••• desk chat:
  1. Dave asked a segment producer at Live! what he could do to make his segment memorable. She suggested giving Regis a cowboy hat.

  2. Dave speaks Italian for no known reason. I did pick out bambino.
••• Top Ten Things Said to Me, Dave, Backstage at "Live! with Regis and Kelly" ••• Photoshop fun: Dave and Regis with cowboy hats ••• Jerry Seinfeld does stand-up, with a hilarious look at cellular phones. ••• Jerry Seinfeld has a great interview with Dave. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Plus, we'll finally reveal the identity of the murderer! Wait, sorry, wrong show. Or is it?" ••• desk chat: Seinfeld is a powerful force in the world of comedy. ••• It's time for a visit from German Mork. The tubby European takes the stage (and my, how we hope his suspenders don't fail us). German Mork will visit with Dave in his native language.
(Dave): "How's it going?"

(German Mork): "I've learned much from studying these Earthlings, Orson. Today, Mindy taught me the ways of human physical passion."

(Dave): "Now, my German is a little rusty, but it certainly is a lovely language."

(German Mork): "I was piloting my egg spaceship when she bound me with my colorful suspenders and impregnated me. I crashed the ship. There was yolk everywhere."

(Dave): "Oh, no. Well, I wish I knew what you were saying. Well, how about Mork doing that trick where you drink and then also sing at the same time? This is great. German Mork. Take it away."

(German Mork, now with his right hand in a beer stein, sings the German national anthem.)

(Dave): "Boy, he can really put it away, can't he?"

(German Mork exits the stage.)

(Dave): "German Mork, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back with Lykke Li."

••• Lykke Li (from Sweden) sing. I couldn't tell if they were singing in Swedish or English or Swahili. All of them were in black gowns or something. Dave and Paul, struggling for something good to say afterward, called the performance "haunting." This was bad, ladies and gentlemen. How about a test pattern and 3½ minutes of dentist office music instead? ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/17/11 [3583]: [Regis Philbin will retire from Live! with Regis and Kelly tomorrow morning.] ••• "Herman Cain: Herman Cain" / video: We see the GOP candidate for president saying his name 20 times, then drawing the Late Show "no" buzzer by saying "Mitt Romney." ••• Ron Paul was given only 89 seconds to speak in the CBS-sponsored GOP debate on Nov. 12. His campaign machine has this announcement:

(clips of Ron Paul on the campaign trail)

(voice-over): "In the last GOP debate, Ron Paul was given a mere 89 seconds of air time. To ensure he is given equal time in the future, Congressman Paul will now only debate while strapped to Mitt Romney in a Swedish baby carrier."

(Ron Paul, from a baby carrier): "...to veto every single bill that violates the 10th Amendment. That would be the solution."

(voice-over): "Ron Paul: Restore America now."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Mark my words. Without Regis, a week from now ABC will just be showing test patterns." ••• desk chat: After opening the TTL montage, Dave takes us through Regis's TV resume. ••• Top Ten Things We'll Miss about Regis ••• "Regis: A Look Back" / video: We see a montage of various bits Regis has done on the Late Show over the years, including his visit with Dave on the Late Show marquee on 8/26/09. ••• Regis Philbin comes out for his interview with Dave. ••• "Live! with Regis and Kelly: A Well-Oiled Machine" features three audience ladies playing some kind of quiz game, and none of them could get the idea that they couldn't buzz in before the question had been asked. ••• Dave presents Regis a brand new, shiny red Vespa scooter. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• outside camera: We go to Broadway to watch Regis getting ready to take his first ride on the scooter. ••• interruption: A presidential candidate we've seen before shows up to announcement that he's withdrawing from the race. No one seems to know who he is. ••• outside camera to Regis. He makes it a few feet, then crashes the thing. ••• John Fogerty sings. ••• With the closing theme song, Dave joins Regis outside to give him a scooter ride. They ride down 53rd Street, and that's our show.

11/18/11 [3584]: Tonight's audience shout out is to an audience gent wearing a homemade-looking t-shirt with Dave's face. Our host estimates the actual retail cost as $1.00 to $1.25. ••• It's opening day for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1, and we have a promo trailer:

(Twilight clips)

(voice-over): "It is the movie event of the year: the wedding of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, the unexpected pregnancy that will alter the course of their lives forever, and their newborn baby, who poses the ultimate threat to the vampires' secret existence."

(clip): Marlon Wayans, as a goo-gooing baby in Little Man

(voice-over): "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 1. Now playing."

(graphic): "November 18"

••• Regis Philbin survived a minor Vespa scooter crash last night, and retired from Live! with Regis and Kelly this morning. Dave: "His first co-host was Eve." What's in store for Regis in retirement? He's been retired for half a day. It's time to check in. / "Regis in Retirement: Day One" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(outside shot of his apartment, live from the Upper West Side)

(Regis, heard off-camera): "I went to Il Tinello last night. Like in New York, when you want to renovate your apartment, it takes forever. Mario thought he was gonna get it done in, like, six weeks."

(female, off-camera, supposed to be Joy): "Would you shut the       up?!"

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Today was Regis Philbin's last day hosting Live!. The great broadcaster was given a memento. Someone cooked up the idea of giving him a red scooter, so he can run errands for Joy. (clip) It took Regis about three seconds to wreck the scooter.
••• It's time to check in with Bruce and Linda for a preview of the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(The set's now decorated for Thanksgiving, with the obligatory horn of plenty on Dave's desk.)

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Hard to believe, but it's the holiday season already!"

(Bruce): "Gosh, the year just flew by! Wasn't it just yesterday that I put up the window screens?"

(Linda): "But we're wasting no time in getting you ready for the holidays. Tony Gertz, our Weekend Late Show personal shopper, is going to tell us about holiday gift cards! They're like gift certificates in a little plastic card!"

(Bruce): "That's a neat idea! We're also entering the busy travel season, and I spent the day with some air traffic controllers. If you think your job is stressful... ay, yi yi!"

(Linda): "All that, plus we announce the first winner of our Christmas Comes Early drawing."

(Linda picks up a Cuisinart bread machine box)

(Linda): "Somebody's going to win this bread machine. Mmmm. Fresh-baked bread!"

(Bruce): "Mmmm. That's all tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Excuses ••• Herman Cain interview, in three segments ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Grouplove sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Brian Regan was bumped.]

11/21/11 [3585]: Here's an all-too-rare treat. It's an impression by Dave, this time of himself experiencing the highlight of his weekend.

Mr. Letterman turns away from the audience and the North American viewing public to get into character. He makes final adjustments to his coat sleeves. He checks his hair, then turns 180° to begin a performance of his dumb guy character. "Uhhh, one senior for Twilight Saga, please." Mr. Letterman bows and thanks the audience, amidst thunderous applause.
••• A supercommittee was formed three months ago to consider strategies for managing the national debt. Let's ask for the thoughts of a candidate for the presidency. Here's a twist on the profanity-laced audience favorite, "What Would Chris Rock Do?" It's "What Would Herman Cain Do?" / video:
(title graphic and "What Would Chris Rock Do?" theme music)

(clip): It's Herman Cain in his November 14 interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, stalling for time as he tries to figure out how to answer a question about Libya.

(title graphic and "What Would Chris Rock Do?" theme music)

••• Our old friend, Reege S. Philbin, retired from Live! on November 18. Dave takes a moment to congratulate Regis. It's his first day as a Walmart greeter! ••• Did everyone see his last show on Friday? / video:
(on the set of Live!)

(Kelly Ripa, momentarily): "I know you want to say a few words."

(Regis): "Yeah. This is the time to say goodbye to everybody. I wanted to thank our..."

(Graphics start flying around.)

(announcer Tony Pigg): "Guests of Live! with Regis and Kelly stay at the Parker Meridien Hotel. Promotional consideration provided by Steak-umm®. Now, stay tuned for Rachael Ray."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a Supercommittee Fun Fact: "Senator Max Baucus (D-Montana) gained his supercommittee powers when he was bitten by a member of a radioactive committee. ••• desk chat:
Dave's surprised sometimes by "the wisdom that sticks to me." For most of his life, Dave was a dumb guy, struggling through without smart things to say, without knowing what to do in social situations. Dave had Harry when he was 57, and he wondered if he'd have any energy. He tried the steroids. Paul interjects, "You were like Piscopo!" The Lettermans were celebrating Regina's birthday over the weekend. Try this: Put underpants on the dog.
••• Andy Kindler comes out. (You know him best as Chancellor Rudy Tootietootie on The Wizards of Waverly Place.) Andy sets up his latest adventure, "Andy Kindler Hangs out with the American Pickers Guys." / video: We see Andy with hosts Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz (and junk dealer Dave Schaeffer). ••• Over the weekend, a reported al Qaeda sympathizer named Jose Pimentel was arrested for a lame plot to bomb something in New York City. / Top Ten Other Articles in the al Qaeda Magazine ••• Ty Burrell plugs Modern Family. ••• Gayle King plugs a brand new morning show on CBS. It's so new, it doesn't have a title yet! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Thanksgiving on a Budget": "Slash your costs. Serve only the feathers." ••• more Gayle King ••• Needtobreathe sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/22/11 [3586]: Who knew there's a helium shortage? It's true. Obviously there will be a major effect on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. / rehearsal video: Twelve balloon wranglers in orange jumpsuits are seen guiding a completely flattened Garfield balloon down a New York city street. ••• Mayor Bloomberg always has something going on. There's an abandoned underground trolley station, and the mayor's going to build an underground park. / CNN video: (Actually, it's Shecky's black and white movie clip of a man and woman searching for something in a cave.) ••• interruption:

(Dave): "Oh, my God! What is this?

(We see a NYPD officer, outfitted entirely in black, spraying something orange on Alan's face. The officer's really hosing him down.)

(Alan): "Hey! Hey, wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it. Hey. He. Hey. Alan, Alan, what is... what are you doing? What's goin' on? Are you alright?"

(Dave): "Yeah, I'm fine. This is Marcel, my colorist. Thanksgiving touch-up!"

(Marcel now has one hand on a hip, like a supermodel walking a runway.)

(Alan): "What? Why is Marcel dressed like a cop? Aw, you've got me, Dave! Sometimes he dresses as a sailor..."

(Dave): "OK. I don't understand any of that!"

(I think there was more material written, but Alan was having to keep his eyes closed all the time toward the end, and probably couldn't remember all of his lines. Dave seemed to be gesturing to Tony Mendez to move on to the next cue card.)

[Throughout this piece, I was trying to figure out if the officer was Mike McIntee, editor and publisher of the Wahoo Gazette, but I couldn't tell. He confirmed that he did play the role of Marcel.]

••• "Fox News Trusted News Source" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

(We see Bill Hemmer on set with a blonde co-anchor): "Indeed you were right about that. Hey, here's something for the holidays... Dow's up 211!"

(Martha MacCallum) (name shamelessly lifted from the Wahoo Gazette): "Woohoo!"

(graphic): clearly shows the Dow at -211.09

(Bill Hemmer): "Yippee!"

(FX): "No" buzzer and red X over the stock ticker graphic

(title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

••• Michele O'Bachmann wrote a book, Core of Conviction. / commercial video:
(photo): the outside of a Barnes & Noble store

(voice-over): "In bookstores now, Michele O'Bachmann reveals the inspriration and motives of her run for the presidency, in her new memoir, Core of Conviction. Also today, Michele's husband, Marcus O'Bachmann, releases his new book, The Fabulous World of Bob Mackie.

(photos of the books)

(music): Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men"

(voice-over): "Available at finer bookstores, department stores and Tiger Mart®."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and Political Humor for Nine Year Olds: "Super Committee? More like Stupid Committee! We'll be right back." ••• desk chat: Dave likes to think of ourselves here as your TV friend, your TV watchdog and your TV ombsusden. Check this out: "TV Commercial of the Night."
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): a young couple on a golf course, with 1-800-563-6153 and www.buymaxtall.com onscreen

(voice-over): "Poor Mike is 5' 9", and Cindy isn't paying any attention to him at all. But with Maxtall in his shoes, Mike is nearly 6 feet tall, and Cindy likes what she sees."

(title graphic and peppy music)

(There's no punchline. This is a real commercial.)

••• Top Ten Super Committee Excuses ••• Amy Sedaris plugs her book, Simple Times. ••• Chris "Mad Dog" Russo ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Chris Russo ••• Sondre Lerche sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/23/11 [3587]: "Holiday Air Travel Tips" / video:

(title graphic and upbeat music)

(photos): airport terminal security procedures

(voice-over): "As a thank you to overworked TSA agents, put a piece of pie in your pants for the pat-down."

(photo): a business-class traveler and TSA agent hugging

(voice-over): "We hope you enjoyed 'Holiday Air Travel Tips.' "

(title graphic and upbeat music)

••• Regis retired five days ago. Now the pressure's on to find a replacement. / Live! with Kelly and Kelly / video:
(Live! opening montage and theme song)

(announcer Tony Pigg): "It's Live! with Kelly and Kelly. Now, here are Kelly Ripa and Kelly Ripa."

(clip): The Kellys, side by side, are talking over each other on unrelated topics.

(title graphic and theme song)

(announcer Tony Pigg): "We'll be back with more Live! with Kelly and Kelly."

••• Dave and the staff used the Freedom on Information Act to get the goods on unreported happenings with the big parade. / "Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Mishaps" / video:
(title graphic and creepy horror film music)

(graphic): black screen with "2002"

(animation): a humongous Garfield helium balloon, over the ocean, with multiple handlers hanging from ropes

(voice-over): "2002: Garfield and 20 handlers, last seen floating out over the Atlantic. All presumed lost. This has been 'Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Mishaps.' Happy holidays."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Giblet of the Night": Gizzard! ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Thanksgiving night Weekend Late Show. (That's what Dave called it, anyway!) / video:
(We see Bruce, with a black eye, bloody nose and his right arm in a sling, and Linda, at Dave's desk. Bruce looks like he's recently tangled with The Guy Who Beats up Alan.)

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Did you ever wonder how and where kitty litter is made?

(Bruce): "You know, I have several cats, and I've never known."

(Linda): "Well, tomorrow we'll take you to the world's largest manufacturer of kitty litter! Meow!"

(Bruce): "Mee-wow! We've never done a story like that before! And I'm going to talk to our neighborhood fire chief about holiday safety, and he's gonna teach us his favorite chili recipe, over in the Cookery Nook!"

(Linda): "All that, plus we take a first look at the entries in our 'So You Think You Can Quilt' competition."

(Bruce): "All that on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• "Pardoned Turkeys: Where Are They Now?" / video:
(photo): President Obama and three others are seen visiting with a white turkey in the White House.

(photo): The turkey is on the sidewalk in front of the White House, wearing a hat and carrying a leather briefcase.

(voice-over by a pardoned turkey): "Dear Fellas, it's been two months since President Obama pardoned me."

(photo): The turkey is standing on a hotel room bed.

(voice-over by a pardoned turkey): "The parole board got me a room in a halfway house, and a job at the Foodway."

(photo): The turkey's at work in a grocery store, wearing a blue apron.

(photo): The turkey's back in the hotel room, roosting on the bed.

(voice-over by the turkey): "I have trouble sleeping at night. I don't like it here. I've decided not to stay."

(black screen)

(carving on a ceiling beam): "IRA WAS HERE"

(animation): We see the turkey's feet swinging from side to side, as in The Shawshank Redemption. The turkey has hanged himself.

(title graphic)

••• desk chat: In a rare break from protocol, Dave giggles at some of the entries on the TTL blue card, previewing a couple of them. / Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner ••• desk chat: The average American consumes 3,500 calories at the Thanksgiving dinner. ••• bumper: Linda and a beat-up Bruce on the Weekend Late Show set ••• Justin Bieber plugs his Christmas CD, Under the Mistletoe. ••• desk chat: Dave notifies the North American viewing public that he is the only living person to have kissed Regis Philbin and high-fived Justin Bieber. ••• "Thanksgiving at the Late Show" / video:
There's a camera upstairs in the office building. We see a row of tables with all the goodies. Wait. What's this? Mike McIntee and (?) as TSA agents, are gloved up and patting down a turkey. Chris Albers (?) as a caterer, looks on. Pat Farmer is pouring one of his gravytinis for a young lady. Segment producer Sarah Billington, along with several other "interns," is standing in line with a plate. Stagehand Gene Szymanski is distributing a picture of a fine Thanksgiving feast on the plate of each intern. Oh... now this in unpleasant. Rick "Shecky" Sheckman is in a leopard dress, with a long, dark wig. It's Shecky as Snooki Polizzi. Eww. Now we get a rare peek into Dave's office. He's in an argument with Sue Hum, who's holding a turkey suit. "PUT... ON... THE... SUIT," she hollers. "No!," Dave says. "PUT... ON... THE... SUIT, you old fool," Sue says. It's bobbing for turkeys from a bowl of gravy. The lucky contestant, who's blindfolded, looks like Todd Seda. We conclude with 15-year-old footage of Dave, dressed as a pilgrim, serving the dinners.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Thanksgiving Conversation Icebreakers" ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. He was bumped on 11/18, when Herman Cain had multiple segments. ••• Freesol sing. ••• full credits

11/24/11: REPEAT FROM 8/29/11

11/25/11: REPEAT FROM 11/03/11

11/28/11: REPEAT FROM 11/08/11

11/29/11: REPEAT FROM 10/27/11

11/30/11: REPEAT FROM 10/26/11

12/01/11: REPEAT FROM 11/09/11

12/02/11: REPEAT FROM 11/16/11

12/05/11 [3588]: interruption: Stagehand Pat Farmer comes out with a cue card. He's written a joke for Dave to tell on the big show. It goes something like this:

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pat Farmer, one of our stage managers. Pat. Stagehand."

(Pat): "Hey, Dave."

(Dave): "Hi, Pat. How are you?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave. Good, Dave."

(Dave): "Happy holidays. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?"

(Pat): "Very nice, Dave. Yourself?"

(Dave): "I'm glad to hear it. Fine. What can I do for you?"

(Pat): "Dave, I came up with a joke for you."

(Dave): "Oh, that's great! Oh, now, wait. Pat... no... that's fine."

(Pat, handing the cue card to an annoyed Tony Mendez): "It's great!"

(Dave): "You wrote the joke?"

(Pat): "I did."

(Dave): "And you put it on the card?"

(Pat): "I tried."

(Dave): "And I'm supposed to read it? OK."

(Pat): "It's not like anybody's watching."

(Dave): "Larry King says he wants to be frozen after his death. He'll be preserved in a state known as suspendered animation."

(Pat wants a high five): "Up top, Dave. Up top! I'll be in the back if you need me."

(Dave): "I could have been eating glass."

••• Herman Cain dropped out of the presidential race over the weekend. / "Herman Cain: Straight Shooter" / video:
(title graphic and theme music)

(LSDL clip from 11/18/11):

(Dave): "Is there gonna be a time when you're gonna say, 'You know what? I think I'm not gonna run for the office... 2012. I'm gonna step aside, and this will all have been for naught?' "

(Herman Cain): "No."

(FX): Late Show "No" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• Newt Gingrich is leading the GOP polls at the moment. / campaign video:
(clip): beautiful American scenes

(Newt's voice-over): "Some people say the America we know and love is a thing of the past. I don't believe that."

(background music): Jerry Goldsmith's soundtrack from Rudy

(Newt): "We can return power to the people, and to the states we live in, so we all have more freedom and opportunity (unintelligible... audience laughing too loud). Yes, working together, we can and will rebuild the America we love."

(heartwarming scenes):

  • guy being attacked by an angry ostrich
  • fat boy jumping off a dock into a pond
  • fat guy jumps on a treadmill and crashes and burns
  • Newt, humping a vending machine

(Newt): "I'm Newt Gingrich, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave says people have been asking how his mother is. She's 90, and she's fine.

  2. Dave tells a story Dorothy sometimes tells about her father. They would go out into the country and gather hickory nuts. The nuts have a very hard outer shell. It goes something like this:

    (Dorothy): "Well... Dad, when he had the hickory nuts, he would take his nuts downstairs. He would put them on an anvil, and he would hit them with a hammer."

••• It's tough times for the Post Office. / video:
(voice-over): "Due to financial constraints, the U.S. Postal Service is forced to make cutbacks."

(various post office clips)

(voice-over): "In the coming months, hundreds of mail processing centers will be closed. First Class Mail delivery times will increase, and all mail delivery will be potluck. You might receive the mail of an elderly woman from Philadelphia, or a farmer from Nebraska. Who knows?! With Potluck Mail, there are millions of possibilities. Have fun America. A message from the U.S. Postal Service, a division of Deutsche Bank."

••• "Small Town News"
  • Ukiah Daily Journal, Ukiah, California: POLICE BLOTTER: "Aggressive Leaf Blower -- A man with a leaf blower was chasing pedestrians."
  • Wayne County Journal, Piedmont, Missouri: CAPTION: "Piedmont Fire Station Destroyed by Blaze"
  • Sioux Falls Shopping News, Sioux Falls, South Dakota: "Daycare Closing/Moving Sale / Daycare Items, Furniture, Handguns"
  • Palladium Times, Oswego, New York: CAPTION: "Pulaski man arrested for DWI on lawn mower"
  • Thrifty Nickel, Lawton, Oklahoma: PERSONALS: "White male seeking white female (50-60) who likes movies, massages, cuddling, hugging, kissing and tongue tag."
  • The Connecticut Post, Bridgeport, Connecticut: DINER AD: "16-oz PRIME RIB DINNER / $15,995 FRI TO SUN."
  • The Doings, Hinsdale, Illinois: State Fair picture caption: "Buddy Haas, 18, of Elburn, preps his steer for the upcoming shows." (The picture is of a young man and his girlfriend. Oops.)
••• Jonah Hill plugs The Sitter. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kristen Johnston plugs The Exes. ••• Ryan Adams sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Ryan Adams did a live webcast at 8 P.M. EST.]     ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Signs You've Got Newt Gingrich Fever]

12/06/11 [3589]: [Dave's tie is tied way too short. No action will be taken.] ••• FoxNews is saying that the new Muppet movie is spreading Communism. You decide. / video:

(clips from the movie)

(voice-over): "The Muppets are back in a brand new adventure for kids of all ages. Join all your favorite pals, including Kermit, Miss Piggie, Fozzie and the stuffed remains of Vladimir Lenin."

(musical interlude): "Mahna Mahna"

(animation): Vladimir Lenin dancing

(voice-over): "The Muppets: Now playing at theaters everywhere."

••• Newt Gingrich is the front-runner for the Republicans. Now some say he was reprimanded for an ethics violation in the 80s. / Photoshop fun: We see a photo of Newt, with EXXON tattooed on one of his chins. ••• Ron Paul's still in the running for the GOP nomination. He has a powerful-but-confusing campaign commercial. / video:
(lots of animations)

(voice-over, with a professional-wrestler voice): "What's up with these sorry politicians? You want big cuts? Ron Paul's been screaming it for years. Fake eyebrow? Oh, yeah. Smells like an airline seat pocket. Resembles a creature from Middle Earth? Done. Department of Education? Gone! Interior. Energy. HUD. Commerce. Gone! Gene Hackman? Gone! What did Ron Paul have for lunch? Fish sticks. Backed-up drain? Ron Paul. Do it!"

(Ron Paul): "I'm Ron Paul, and I approve this message."

••• Herman Cain, The Hermanator, has suspended his campaign. He said, "I will not be silent, and I will not go away." Hmm. What's next for him? Dave saw an interesting message. / video:
(clip): Herman Cain

(voice-over): "The following message was paid for by Herman Cain."

(Herman Cain clip): "Becoming president was Plan A. And before you get discouraged... today I want to describe Plan B."

(voice-over and photo): "Herman Cain's Plan B is a 48-year-old homemaker from Tampa, Florida, named Rhonda Thompson. Rhonda enjoys scrapbooking, travel and strip poker."

(Herman Cain): "It's a dirty, dirty game."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's disappointed in himself. Yesterday he walked by one of the staffers and said, "Hi, Jayne." Then today he remembered that her name is Jane.

  2. Dave claims he's up to 300 pounds, and he has some holiday eating tips for all of us. Here they are:
    • Exercise. Develop a regular fitness regime.
    • Review your cooking methods. Instead of frying, grill your food.
    • Invest in lower-fat ingredients for cooking.
    • Eat regularly. With low-fat healthy snacks throughout the day, you'll be less likely to overindulge. (At this point, Dave gives the eating tips sheet the finger.)
    • Balance your meals. Have a little of everything, including fruits and vegetables.
    • Moderate alcohol intake. Alcohol is fattening.
    • Leave what you don't want. When you feel full, stop eating.
••• Here's another installment of "Would You Like Me to Appear in Your Holiday Card?" / outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert Jee / Dave and Rupert have a little visit about the economy, the deli business, laundry tips for Late Show merchandise, etc. / Rupert picks his contestant, the very lovely Kate, from Oklahoma. She has a boy, Connor, who's home in Oklahoma. She's been doing touristy stuff, and hasn't been hit by a cab. Rupert brings Kate in the 53rd St. entrance. A phony backdrop is all ready to go, and she and Dave pose in front of fake trees and snow. Happy holidays from Dave and Kate! ••• bumper: the holiday card ••• The Kepler space telescope has found an earth-like planet, Kepler 22-b. It's 2.4 times the size of earth, 600 light years away, with an estimated daytime temperature of 71.6° F. Our Star Trek friends would call it a Class M planet. / Top Ten Ways the Super Earth Is Different from Earth ••• Matt Damon plugs We Bought a Zoo. / Dave and Matt pose for a holiday photo card. / more Matt Damon ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Health Beat with Dr. Lou Aronne" / Here's his advice:
(Dr. Lou appears in front of a brick wall, like the stand-up comedians have.)

(Dr. Lou): "Flu season is upon us once again. While we strongly recommend getting a flu shot, you should know they're not 100% effective. Here's how you can tell if you have influenza: If you have body aches, especially in your joints, you might have... influenza."

(Anton Fig): rim shot

(Dr. Lou): "If you have a dry cough, runny nose and sore throat, you might have... influenza."

(Anton Fig): rim shot

(Dr. Lou): "If you're experiencing fatigue, malaise and a loss of appetite, you might have... influenza."

(Anton Fig): rim shot

(Dr. Lou): "If you're suffering from any of these symptoms, contact your physician immediately. My time's up. Good night, everybody."

(Alan Kalter): "Dr. Lou is currently appearing daily at the New York Presbyterian Weill-Cornell Medical Center. This has been 'Health Beat with Dr. Lou Aronne.' Back to you, Dave."

••• Shelby Lynne sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/07/11 [3590]: monologue: "Big travel season... big holiday travel season comin' up. For example, Rod Blagojevich is goin' away." ••• CNN video: Wolf Blitzer tells about trimming his beard. ••• It's long been thought that being president causes a person to age. / Photoshop fun: We see a picture of Redd Foxx (as President Barack Obama) in front of the White House. ••• Republican Jewish Coalition Forum / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Today at the Republican Jewish Coalition Forum, Mitt Romney tried to win the group's support by giving a speech while circumcising a baby."

(doctored video): We see Romney beside a mother and baby, and a rabbi (Rick Scheckman).

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: Goyish Meshuggener."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Holiday Did You Know?": "Did you know tinsel is highly radioactive? We'll be right back." ••• desk chat: Dave has a lengthy discourse on the People's Choice Awards. Show business has an ugly, dark side. The people choose the People's Choice Awards winners. Dave won one in 2005. But the thing is, when you're notifed in advance that you've won, they want you to come to California and pick up your lucite on their show. Dave was busy in 2005. He didn't have time to go. Anyway, Dave's been nominated again, but voting has just now ended. By the way, Dave, Leno, Conan, Fallon and Kimmel were nominated in his category. ••• Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in the pokey yesterday for being a dumbass. / Top Ten Messages Left on Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine ••• desk chat: "If Jay Leno were to win this... the People's Choice Award... it would be like hearing that Manson was paroled." ••• It's time for the lighting of the Christmas intern. / The scrim rises. Cue card assistant Todd Seda is at the back of the stage. He has lights all over him. I think we all know where this is going. The juice is turned on. There are sparks and smoke, and a heaping helping of screaming by Todd (as the intern). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Mary's Fish Camp at 246 W. 4th Street, known as "Unsatiated Restaurant Suggestions of the Night." ••• Tom Dreesen ••• The Black Keys sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/08/11 [3591]: monologue: "Mistletoe is everywhere, and it's deadly poisonous, so don't eat the mistletoe. But it's everywhere. As a matter of fact, Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some today and kissed 14 years goodbye." ••• interruption: A tailor comes out to measure Dave. The alterations will be done in two weeks. ••• "Happy Holidays from Bill O'Reilly" / video:

(title graphic and Christmas music)

(clip): Bill, out on a sidewalk, under an umbrella

(citizen): "Mr. O'Reilly, were you at Gingrich's fundraiser?"

(Bill sort of puts his umbrella between him and the citizen to shield himself.)

(Bill): "Sorry about that."

(title graphic)

(Here's Bill's account: There was much more interaction than the clip here showed. The citizen was an occupy protester. Read all about it here.

••• Rick Perry has a new campaign ad. / video:
(Rick's outdoors somewhere.)

(Perry): "As president, I'll end Obama's war on religion, and I'll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage."

(shot widens): We see Perry under power lines.

(voice-over and 60-Hz buzzing): "Rick Perry lives under power lines."

(photo and voice-over): "Paid for by Perry for President."

••• monologue: There was a poll to see which celebrity houseguest people would most like to have. Jennifer Aniston won. We see clips of other choices: 1) Nick Nolte's booking photo, 2) the clip of David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off a floor, or 3) the smoking Indonesian boy. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a Christmas card from the company that pumps his septic tank ••• desk chat:
Dave said he made a fool of himself last night. He was ready to grovel and beg to win the People's Choice Award lucite prize. Moments before the taping, he learned that voting had just closed. In his upset state, Dave turned on the people, and he wishes to apologize for the things he said. (But he'd still like to win.) Dave would also like to apologize to CBS and Procter and Gamble®.
••• TTL opening montage ••• interruption: What is all that chatter? We should have known. Alan has set himself up at a table, and he's autographing books.
(Dave): "Excuse me. Alan... Alan... Alan. Hey! Alan."

(Alan): "Yeah. Yeah."

(Dave): "Dave... Dave... what is goin' on over there?"

(Alan): "Oh, hi, Dave. This is a book signing. A pretty good turnout, huh?"

(Dave): "Now, this is the second time. Earlier we had a guy in here chalkin' up my pants. Now, Alan, we're right in the middle of the show, and I had no idea you had written a book. So you can't do this now. What is the book?"

(Alan): "Well, it just came out, David. It's a memoir."

(Alan holds up the book for the camera.)

(Alan): "Alan Kalter: Working for a Tyrannical, Evil Bastard." (with a foreword by Paul Shaffer) "Makes a fantastic stocking stuffer."

(Dave): "Let me... let me see that again. Do you mind if I see that again? Hold that up again. Let me see that. Hold the book up again. Let me get a good look at that."

(Dave, to Paul): "Paul, did you write the foreword for this thing? Forward by Paul... What... now what is goin' on?"

(Paul shrugs.)

(Paul): "You know, David, a gig is a gig is a       gig. You know what I'm sayin'? That's what we say in jazz."

••• [Anchorwoman Annie Stensrud of KEYC, CBS 12, in Mankato, Minnesota delivered quite a newscast on Dec. 4. Everyone believes she was totally drunk. Naturally she's claiming it was cold medicine. Video is all over the Internet.] / video / Top Ten Signs Your Local News Team Is Drunk / #7: Trouble pronouncing gubernatorial. ••• bumper: Charlize Theron entering the Ed Sullivan Theater ••• Charlize Theron plugs Young Adult. ••• Dave shows an artist's conception of planet Kepler 22-b, a.k.a. Super Earth. There's some cue card confusion, and Dave asks Jerry to go to black while they sort it out. / OK, we're back, and Dave has a promo:
(Dave): "Hey, Super Earth. Be sure to join me (Dave), Paul, Biff and the rest of the gang here on the Late Show week nights, following your Super Local News!"
••• Paul interjects with an important question for Dave. /
(Paul): "That was..."

(Dave): "What?"

(Paul): "I want to ask, uh... I've got a question about it. It was very nice. It was very well-executed, but just for my edification."

(Dave): "Right."

(Paul): "Say, in fact, there is, a Super Earth, and there is life on this so-called Super Earth, and the life form has evolved to the point that they have television there, and they have created a system of distribution for television programs which use affiliated broadcast stations. And let's just say for a minute that... for the sake of argument... that this affiliation has some connection of some kind with this earth and the CBS Network on this earth, how do you intend get the promo that you just taped to the people of Super Earth?"

(Dave): "Well, that's a good question. I, uh, you know I think maybe, I was gonna e-mail it."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a promo for Young Jeezy on tomorrow's telecast / ("Youthfulness of Jeezy not guaranteed.") ••• Kevin Nealon (who will be appearing at Caroline's later this week) ••• Blitzen Trapper sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/09/11 [3592]: monologue: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, what do you think? Are you in a holiday spirit, festival feeling... happy? You know, Christmas time... think about this: is there anything worse than a present wrapped by a straight guy?" ••• monologue: "Nothing makes you feel better than seein' your kid sitting on the lap of a stranger wearing a fake beard." ••• Dave hates scams, and he believes he's found one. What do you think? / video:

(photos): a family holiday dinner, and an artificial Christmas tree

(voice-over): "This holiday season, keep your artificial Christmas tree looking its best. Give it plenty of artificial water! Non-liquid artificial water is as light as air. Can't spill. Can't evaporate. Works with all artificial trees. Get artificial water today. Available at Caldor."

••• monologue: "Illinois... is the only state in which the current governor rides around in a car with a license plate made by a previous governor." ••• Barney Frank (D-MA) is retiring from Congress. / "A Moment with Barney Frank" / video:
(title graphic and inspiring soundtrack)

(clip): Buddy Hackett doing stand-up: "A lady goes to the dentist. He says got a tooth that has to come out. She says, 'Oooh. I'd rather have a baby.' He says, 'Make up your mind. I've gotta adjust the chair.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "How about Newt Gingrich? He'll be our first president named Newt. Newt Gingrich has a holiday book out, and I think it's on sale now, and I'm gonna get several copies for the family. It's called The Newt before Christmas." ••• monologue: Dave does a Gov. Rick Perry joke. After the punchline about the debate, the governor says, "I'll be a little late. I've gotta execute somebody." Dave mimicks throwing the switch on Old Sparky. The lights come up and down, over and over, and we hear the sizzling as the prisoner cooks. ••• Remember Herman Cain? Smart guy. Lots of energy. He had to go away. The Newt Gingrich campaign has hired people who worked for the Herman Cain campaign, and here's an announcement. / video:
(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich is pleased to announce that several trusted Herman Cain staffers have joined his campaign."

(photos of the new staff)

(voice-over): "Associate Finance Director, Roger Schweitzer; Public Relations Director, Helen Ridgeway; and Herman's longtime grope coach, Gil."

(animation): We see Gil demonstrating some smooth hand moves.

(Newt, with Apollo 13 soundtrack): "I'm Newt Gingrich, and I approve this message."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Political Correctness Run Amok": "First it was a 'gingerbread man.' Then it was a 'gingerbread person.' Now we have to say 'gingersubstance person.' " ••• desk chat:
Dave wants to talk about Golden Corral®, a buffet and steakhouse. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Dave was visiting with staff about it upstairs 15 minutes before the taping. One time in Montana, Dave and friends decided to drive 1½ hours to the nearest Golden Corral. The day they were supposed to go, it burned to the ground! Where is the hand of God? Two women who were in the Golden Corral the day it burned to the ground are in the audience tonight! [I learned from newspaper coverage later than their names are Teresa Fleege and her twin sister, Cathy Bailey, and they were nowhere near the place when it burned.]
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Bruce): "Thanks, Dave. Remember a few months back when we met a mischievous little boy, who crawled up inside one of those stuffed animal machines in a bowling alley?"

(Linda): "Of course! He was fine, but the fire department had to get him out."

(Bruce): "What a mess! Well, he did it again, and we'll be talking to him, here in our studio."

(Linda rings a bell)

(Bruce): "I'm awake. I'm awake!"

(Linda): "Everyone knows this sound. It's a sidewalk Santa's bell. But where do the sidewalk Santas go when they get off work? Our own Wink Wilson investigates St. Nick's favorite 'ho ho' hangouts."

(Bruce): " 'Ho ho hangouts.' That's good! Plus area ski conditions, Hanukkah toys, and we'll taste some new and unusual flavors of fudge."

(Linda): "Mmmm. That's all tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Mall / #6: The Santa is overheard saying, "No fat kids." ••• desk chat: Dave recites the menu from Golden Corral from their web site:
• Assorted Steamed Vegetables
• Awesome Pot Roast
• Baked Potatoes
• Banana Pudding
• Bourbon Street Chicken
• Broccoli
• Cabbage
• Carrot Cake
• Carrots
• Cauliflower
• Chocolate Cake w/ Chocolate Frosting
• Clam Chowder
• Fresh fruit
• Greens
• Green Beans

It burned down October 29, 2008, and reopened October 21, 2009. Dave picks up the phone and calls Josh at the Golden Corral in Great Falls, Montana. ••• David Duchovny plugs Californication. (He and his high school buddies used to make goat sounds.) ••• out of commercial: Dave's not at his desk. The audience applauds, but still no Dave. The audience try everything. They stop applauding. They start again. Nothing. Dave shows up after 40 seconds, still gnawing on a cookie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a commercial for a Golden Corral, presently engulfed in flames ••• Hugh Fink does stand-up. ••• Young Jeezy sings. ••• full credits

12/12/11 [3593]: Texas Gov. Rick Perry still wants to be president, and he has a new commercial. / video:

(clip): Rick Perry outside, trying to look normal and outdoorsy

(Perry): "I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a Christian. But you don't need to be in a pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military..."

(FX): A giant boulder rolls over Gov. Perry, killing him instantly.

(scream): "Owww."

(logo): Perry for President

(voice-over): "This message was approved by Rick Perry."

••• The White House menorah had all nine candles lit the other day, because the Obamas were going out of town. / "Other Presidential Hanukkah Gaffes" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "December 4, 2002"

(doctored C-SPAN video): George W. Bush is attempting to light the White House menorah when his right arm becomes engulfed in flames. He doesn't seem to mind.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Other Presidential Hanukkah Gaffes.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Hey Mom, I'm in a Commercial" / video:
(title graphic)

(doctored clip): A thirty-something guy is trying to eat a corn dog at a fair. That dog's not dead. It's squirming around all over the place.

(FX): Japanese martial arts sound effects

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave likes the idea of Twitter, but hasn't quite mastered it yet. I saw some goofy tweets coming from @Late_Show today at about 4 p.m. CST, and figured Dave was behind the wheel. Yup. Dave says he couldn't get the "thing" (the cursor) positioned. He was a nervous wreck. Staff members had to help, but they ran away, screaming like toddlers. Dave tweets:

  2. Dave says that he and Paul were in Birmingham, Alabama at the Workplay on Saturday, along with Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit, for a benefit concert for Habitat for Humanity. Jason was fulfilling a promise he had made.

  3. Nobody's taken Dave's tweet he wanted to send to Jimmy Fallon. He says he's put the flag up on the mailbox, but nothing's happened. For one thing, Dave doesn't know how to address a tweet.
••• Robert Griffin III presents the Top Ten Things That Went through Robert Griffin III's Mind When He Won the Heisman Trophy. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has another tweet for Jimmy Fallon, that he'll never see on his account, since he didn't format it as @jimmyfallon.

••• Scarlett Johansson plugs We Bought a Zoo. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: another tweet to Fallon ••• Julie Chen plugs The Talk. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/13/11 [3594]: Barbara Walters is on tonight to plug her The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Don't miss Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. This year Barbara sits down with the Kardashians, Herman Cain, Donald Trump, and the editor of Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Ira Schlossberg, who discusses Barbara's inaccurate use of the word fascinating."

(FX): Late Show "NO" buzzer

(voice-over): "Only on ABC."

••• "60 Minutes Highlight of the Night" / video:
(title graphic)

(Steve Kroft): "...yet seventy-five percent of the people in the country think it's headed in the wrong direction. Seventy-five percent?"

(Barack Obama): giggles uncontrollably

(title graphic)

••• "Look! Grandma's in a Commercial" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(clip): Whatever Grandma is trying to eat is really frisky. It may be some kind of enchilada or burrito. Regardless, it keeps hopping around and beating up her nose.

(FX): Japanese martial arts sound effects

(title graphic and music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's playing with Twitter. Dave successfully tweets "Finger Bleeding Dude!" Who's on Dave's Twitter page "Who to Follow" list? Malt-O-Meal! ••• Top Ten Signs the Candidates Have Debate Fatigue ••• Barbara Walters plugs Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill Hader plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• desk chat: Dave tweets about Barbara Walters' dress. ••• Wild Flag sing. ••• Alan Kalter says goodnight. ••• [Yesterday Julie Chen was on, and Dave gave her the Top Ten Tips I, Dave, Have for "The Talk" During Your Visit to New York. It aired today.]

12/14/11 [3595]: [Jimmy Fallon finally heard about Dave's failed attempts to deliver tweets to him. He tweeted this Wednesday evening, but Dave would not have seen it before taping tonight's episode.]:

••• Hey, who's announcing in tandem with Alan Kalter? It's a civilian: Betsy from Chicago, that's who. ••• It's another "Great Moments on the Campaign Trail." / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(Ronald Reagan, 1980): "For those who have abandoned hope, we'll restore hope, and we'll welcome them into a great national crusade to make America great again."

(Bill Clinton, 1992): "Let it be our cause to see that child grow up strong and secure, braced by her challenges, but never struggling alone."

(Ron Paul, 2011): "I would like to restore your right to drink raw milk anytime you wanted to!"

(title graphic)

••• "Chris Matthews: I don't know what that's about" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay intro)

(MSNBC clip): It's Chris on Hardball.

(Chris): "The last of the troops will leave finally..." (sneeze) "...The troops are finally leaving, of course. The typical Republican refrain right now is that the president is cutting and running. That's the phrase they're using, and that our influence in the region will be on the wane." (sneeze) "I don't know what that's about."

(title graphic)

••• Since the aforementioned bit included Chris Matthews having a sneezing fit, why not step back in history for Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing?" / video: Sherman lets rip with an awesome sneeze. (premiere: 11/27/08, the date of an annual staff Thanksgiving meal) ••• Now we have a split screen with Chris Matthews' and Sherman Grossman's sneezes. / video ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, assisted by Betsy ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's determined to make his Twitter machine (OK... a MacBook Pro) work. Jimmy Fallon hadn't been answering his tweets because they weren't formatted right. As you saw just above, somebody told him in person. It's not a snub, Dave. Anyway, Dave's about ready to turn to Jimmy Kimmel for his tweet action if he can't get the Twitter attention he craves. Dave tweets, "Dude: You're awesome!! CALL!!" (How about Dave's 97,878 followers, by the way?) With this newfangled HDTV, we can read Dave's MacBook Pro over his shoulder.

  2. Look at the gridlock on Riverside Drive, the bridge behind Dave in the backdrop. Vehicles are bumper-to-bumper, and there's nonstop honking. It's a rough scene. / Pat Farmer shows up. He sees the mess and asks for permission to leave early. Dave cuts him loose.

  3. How about the new movie, We Bought a Zoo, with Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson? / video:
    (scenes from the movie)

    (voice-over): "Twentieth Century Fox presents a heartwarming story about family, love and finding a second chance. We Bought a Zoo, starring Matt Damon, plus animal sound effects by Matt Damon."

    (clip: Matt, in the green room on 12/06/11, split screen with animals): We get a chimpanzee, a sheep, a donkey, an elephant, a duck, a seal and a chicken.

    (voice-over): "We Bought a Zoo"

    (monkey sounds)

    (Sherman Grossman sneezing)

    (voice-over): "Opens Christmas."

••• Top Ten Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Demands for Returning Our Drones ••• Robert Downey, Jr. plugs Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" (with receptionist Art Kelly, of course) ••• Rooney Mara plugs The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. She's cute! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/15/11 [3596]: [Not in tonight's show, but a moment in history to document]:

Tonight the Late Show staff party was held at the Ameringer McEnery Yohe Gallery at 525 West 22nd St. in the Big Apple. How does an office party get documented in the New York Times? Cue Steve Young, a writer who's been with the show for many years. The gallery has set up an exhibition of Steve's CelebriGum photos from the 53rd Street entrance. You can look it up. There are frames on the photos, and everything! Now, if we could just get the CBS Orchestra in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame... •••

"CNN News Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(Reporter Jim Acosta): "He says that took him off-message, and the message, he says, is a positive one."

(split screen with John King): King's speechless and blinking.

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

••• Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich zany. / video: Lenny Schulz, in a ridiculous outfit, throws cheese on his face. ••• "Why Voters Are Turning to Ron Paul" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "A team of doctors has determined that Ron Paul is physically incapable of having a sex scandal."

(FX): the Late Show "yes" bell

(voice-over): "This has been 'Why Voters Are Turning to Ron Paul.' Back to Ernie Anastos in the studio."

(title graphic)

••• "Hollywood Smoking Chimp" / A chimp smoker in Los Angeles kicked the bucket, and we have video: Well, no, actually it's Arnold Schwarzenegger. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. It's more Twitter! Dave says he's reached out to Jimmy Fallon with his recent tweets. Now he's reaching out to the other late night hosts, namely: that hump Leno, Conan, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson. Dave calls for absolute silence as he operates the Twitter machine (MacBook Pro). Oops. Dave thinks # should be spelled out as Hash Tag. (Hey, guess what! Last night Dave had 97,878 followers. I noticed that tonight he has 104,038!) This goes on and on. Dave's engrossed in his typing. He has his glasses up on his forehead. Jerry Foley cuts to Paul, who's mimicking Dave. Here's the first tweet:

    Now Dave's embarrassed about his grammar.

  2. After commercial, he'll tweet this:

••• Tom Hanks plugs Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Tom also attempts a tweet, but it doesn't take. / He shows a reply tweet that's supposedly from Jimmy Kimmel, but I don't know how Kimmel could have gotten what Dave typed. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Tom Hanks / The show has put together a bogus trailer for Tom's latest production on HBO, Pop Tarts. ••• My Morning Jacket sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Signs Barack Obama Has Been Watching Too Much Television / #4: Trying to negotiate a peace treaty with the Klingons]

12/16/11 [3597]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from New Albany, Indiana. ••• Iran doesn't want to give us back our cool new spy drone airplane. It's not the first time this kind of thing has happened. / "Other U. S. Items Held by Foreign Countries" / video:

(title graphic and action-adventure music)

(We see the United States / Canada border, on a beautiful meadow.)

(animation): A frisbee sails across the border from the U. S. side.

(American's voice, off-camera): "A little help?"

(title graphic)

••• Dick Cheney says we should have gone into Iran and blown it up and taken our drone back. / video:
(clip of Dick Cheney speaking)

(voice-over): "Dick Cheney says the United States should have bombed Iran to prevent them from gathering intelligence from the captured surveillance drone."

(clips of elderly people)

(voice-over): "If a loved one with a history of a heart condition exhibits strange behavior, like recommending going to war over the downing of an unmanned spy plane, it may be the result of a lack of oxygen to the brain. A message from the American Heart Association."

••• C-SPAN has announced an idea for a new approach for presidential candidate debates. / video:
(animated title graphics)

(voice-over): "Tonight: FOXNews presents the latest Republican presidential debate. To mix things up and reduce debate fatigue, tonight the moderator will ask a question, then all the candidates will have 15 seconds to respond."

(We see the candidates at their podiums, and they're all talking over each other. It sounds like a junior high lunchroom, but with deeper voices.)

(animated title graphics)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Last night's Late Show holiday party was crazy! I can't to hear how I embarrassed myself this time." ••• desk chat:
Dave begins by claiming that the staff begin their days with a lovely brunch, prepared by Dave. There's smoked salmon, bagels and capers. At this time of year, the staff then beg Dave to tell a hilarious story from Christmases past at the Late Show and Late Night. Dave once again tells a story from early in the Late Night years, before Dave and Paul were fired (when Paul stole office supplies). Tom and Meredith Brokaw came to the party, and all the staff thought they had truly arrived. Well, in those days, the stagehands enjoyed a little snort. Dave mentions some of our departed friends, such as Jimmy Fitzgerald and Tommy Casabona. Then he shows a picture of Al Maher, who was a country club drinker. Everthing's going great. Oh, no. Al Maher's standing next to Brokaw. A staffer warned Dave that he needed to go closer and watch Al, and he did. (Dave stands up to demonstrate Al's staggering.) It was too late. Al inquired of Mr. Brokaw, "Why don't you go      yourself?" (Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah horn for his account of this story.)
••• It's time to check in with Bruce and Linda for a preview of the Weekend Late Show.
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. We're hoping the fun you're having tonight will snowball right into the weekend, with us. In fact, I visited a few of the Tri-State Areas's finest ski slopes, to see the state of the art in snowmaking technology. My toes are still a little frozen."

(Bruce): "Good stuff! Hey, do you like gingerbread, Linda?"

(Linda): "Mmm, yes!"

(Bruce): "Me, too. But forget about the same old gingerbread man cookies. We're gonna meet a local baker who will make a life-size gingerbread likeness of your pet, from dogs and cats to exotic fish."

(Linda): "Speaking of cookies, is all of that holiday sugar turning your teenager into a grinch?"

(Bruce): "I'm takin' the 5th on that, Linda. My 14-year-old barely speaks to me now."

(Linda): "Well, our health editor, Tammy Van Buskirk, has the answers, and it's fascinating."

(Bruce): "All that, plus road condition reports and diet tips, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• bumper: Al Maher ••• Jude Law plugs Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a "Geopolitical Zinger":
"Our surveillance drone crashed in Iran, but the luggage somehow ended up in Atlanta! Am I right, people? Back in two."
••• It's our old friend, Bay Area Bob Sarlatte. If only I were cool enough to have geography in my name, like Bob, Indiana Jones ••• Gary Clark, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says goodnight. ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Stores Not Doing Well This Holiday Season / #2: Ahmadinejad and Fitch]

12/19/11 [3598]: Meryl Streep played Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in Iron Lady, but the other casting is on the edge. / video:

(voice-over): "In the geopolitical furnace of strife and uncertainty, a new leader was formed: an Iron Lady. Starring Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher..."

(photo): Streep as Thatcher

(voice-over): "... and Ving Rhames and Danny DeVito as Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan."

(photos): Rhames and DeVito, in character

(voice-over): "Iron Lady: Coming soon."

••• Michele Bachman was on Meet the Press yesterday, which brings us to "Michele O'Bachmann: Let Me Finish." / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): O'Bachmann and host David Gregory talk on top of each other throughout the clip.

(title graphic)

••• North Korea's sweetheart, Kim Jong-Il, kicked the bucket on December 17, and right this moment, Osama bin Laden is showing Kim his locker in hell. Who will take over his dictating duties? Dave fears that it'll be his idiot son, Kim W.-Il. / "Things We'll Miss about Kim Jong-Il" / video:
(title graphic and sad music)

(photo): the ruthless dictator

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Nothing!"

(title graphic and sad music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Christmas Fun Fact": "In 1962, Santa switched from dwarves to elves." ••• desk chat:
Michele O'Callaghan, Dave's make-up artist since 1992 and for 3,800 episodes, passed away on December 16. Dave delivers a five-minute-long tribute to Michele. He says, "You loved her, you weren't sure how you felt about her or you were scared silly." She was unique. Michele always had something to distract Dave from the chaos of beginning the show. Dave says, "Stories found her." She could really put someone in their place if they had it coming. Michele told Dave about a disagreement with her younger sister, Nicole. She said, "Yeah, so we got into a terrible fight, and I chased her around the house, and Nicole runs outside. I finally catch up to Nicole. I tackle her. I knock her down. I pull up hunks of grass out of the ground, and I stuff them into her mouth!" Dave asked, "Is this when you guys were kids?" Michele replied, "It was Saturday!" Michele stood next to Dave, doing his make-up, while pregnant with all three of her children. Dave thought she would beat her illness, and she fought it for a year, but it was too much. Then they follow with clips of Michele's appearances on the show, in "Who Asked for It?" with her dog, Cobi, interrupting a monologue with Kathy Mavrikakis on 4/02/09 to inspect Dave's hairpiece, writing ASS on Alan Kalter's forehead on 9/26/03, putting away the Late Show bear on 7/19/05, and with her family. Dave compliments Michele's husband for taking care of the kids during her illness.
••• Mitt Romney presents the Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like to Say to the American People. ••• Tom Cruise plugs Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Turns out fake snow from a spray can isn't very good on crackers." ••• Anthony Hamilton sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a picture of Michele O'Callaghan

12/20/11 [3599]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Jerry Hobson from Hoboken, New Jersey. It's his birthday tomorrow. ••• Barack Obama made a boo-boo when he lit all the candles on a menorah earlier this month. / "Other Presidential Hanukkah Gaffes" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "December 4th, 2007: George W. Bush pardons a matzah ball."

(Photoshop fun): George W. Bush pardoning a matzah ball.

(title graphic)

••• Last September, we saw Gov. Rick Perry dancing around a table with a bunch of rabbis. We check in at his presidential campaign headquarters to see how he's doing. Hmm. They're still dancing, it seems. ••• Shecky comes through again! Several times tonight, we'll see little monkeys riding dogs. / video: It's a couple of different clips, both with the Benny Hill theme song. ••• monkeys riding dogs again ••• There's going to be another Republican debate! There's concern that they're becoming monotonous, so FOX wants to liven up the debate they'll host. / video:
(anchor Bret Baier): "Now our rules are similar to our previous FOX debates: One minute for answers, 30 seconds for follow-ups. If the candidates run too long, we'll politely remind them with this sound."

(FX): slide whistle, boing, video game sounds, Tarzan yell, yodeling... You get the idea.

(voice-over): "More hilarious sound effects after these messages"

(FOX graphic)

••• Hey... ever tease a friend by putting on the Internet that they're dead? Well, yesterday there was an Internet hoax that Jon Bon Jovi had kicked the bucket at the tender age of 49. He took it with a nice sense of humor, posting a picture of himself in front of a sparkly Christmas tree, holding a card that reads, "Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey. Dec. 19th 2011 6:00." Now, Kim Jong-Il actually is dead. / Photoshop fun: We see the worthless bastard, all dressed in red, on a bed of roses as he lies in state. The card beside his carcass reads, "Hell looks a lot like New Jersey Dec. 20th 2011 6:00." ••• monologue: "Right about now in hell, Saddam Hussein is saying to Kim Jong-Il, 'Yeah, but it's a dry heat.' " ••• video: monkey riding a dog ••• Barney Frank is retiring from Congress. / "Barney Frank: Oh, for the Love of God" / video:
(C-SPAN video): It's Congressman Frank on the House floor, addressing bank failures. He's wearing a suit jacket, but instead of a white shirt and tie, it's a blue t-shirt or something that shows off his hooters.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Alright! Dave's back on the Twitter machine (MacBook Pro), and he hasn't learned a single thing from last week's mistakes! His follower count is up to 111,871. Dave wants to bring together all his late night competitors, and he's now thought to add the "Cable Twins," Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Paul suggests including Carson Daly, but Dave blows him off. Here's his first tweet of the evening:

••• Top Ten Items on Kim Jong Un's To Do List / more of monkeys riding dogs ••• desk chat: Dave launches another tweet (after some expert advice from Nancy Agostini):

••• Harry Connick, Jr. plugs his Broadway show, On a Clear Day, You Can See Forever. It's playing at the St. James Theater, 246 West 44th St. Harry's married to Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre. ••• outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert Jee (in a Santa hat) / Dave and Rupert have a nice visit, then Rupert throws the switch and lights up a gigantic meatball. It looks quite festive. Oops. What's happening? What's all that smoke? Rupert's unconcerned. It's just another grease fire. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Justin Stangel's four-year-old daughter, Ashley, has colored a picture of Alan. ••• Scott Van Pelt of ESPN radio ••• Mariachi El Bronx sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/21/11 [3600]: audience shout out: Here's a different approach: Dave recalls an audience shout out from last night with, "Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host, Jerry Hobson." (It's Jerry's birthday today.) ••• interruption: Head stagehand Pat Farmer strolls onstage with critters... a joey and a macaw.

(Dave): "Wow!"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Hey, look, everybody. It's one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer. Hi, Pat. What do... my God, that looks like a... is that a joey?"

(Pat): "It's a joey, Dave, yes."

(Dave): "Wow! What are you doing with all these animals? And you've got a bird and stuff."

(Pat): "This is a blue and gold macaw. Uh, I bought a zoo, Dave. I'm leavin' Friday."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

(Pat): "Friday's my last day, Dave. I bought a zoo."

(Dave): "I don't know what to say."

(Pat): "Uh, I love Matt Damon, and I thought if he can do it, I can do it."

(Dave): "Matt Damon didn't buy a zoo, Pat. He plays a character in a movie about a guy who buys a zoo."

(Pat): "You're screwin' with me! Can... can I have my job back?"

(Dave): "Yeah, we can arrange that."

(Pat): "Uh, I can't stay, Dave. I've gotta go sell a damn zoo."

(Dave): "OK."

••• "FedEx: You Can't Buy This Kind of Publicity" / video:
(title graphic and "Mahna Mahna")

(clip): We see a FedEx carrier stroll up to a yard. He's carrying a package which happens to be a computer display. He chunks the box over a security fence and walks away, a job not well done.

(title graphic)

••• When you become a serious candidate for the presidency, you're provided Secret Service protection. If you're not a frontrunner, you don't get top-of-the-line service. / backstage cam: A geezer of an agent is sound asleep. ••• Kim Jong-Il croaked on December 17, and he's already been sentenced to hell. / "What Did Kim Jong-Il Do Today?" / video:
(title graphic and mournful music)

(voice-over): "5 a.m.: nothing. 6 a.m.: nothing. 7 a.m.: briefly got up to make pancakes."

(animation): Kim's on his feet with an apron on, flipping flapjacks.

(voice-over): "This has been 'What Did Kim Jong-Il Do Today?' "

(title graphic)

••• Shecky video: a monkey riding a dog ••• Barney Frank's retiring from Congress. / C-SPAN video 1: It's Congressman Frank on the House floor, addressing bank failures. He's wearing a suit jacket, but instead of a white shirt and tie, it's a blue t-shirt or something that shows off his hooters. ••• C-SPAN video from today: It's Congressman Frank on the House floor, addressing bank failures. He's wearing a suit jacket, but instead of a white shirt and tie, it's a low-cut white top that shows off his hooters. He's had implants since yesterday... no doubt about that. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish viewers, and to our non-Jewish viewers with Jewish-sounding last names!" ••• desk chat:
  1. At the Late Show, tweeting was considered black magic until last week. Then Dave decided to try to draw all the late night talk show hosts together by tweeting. All, that is, except Carson Daly. We're not really hearing back from them. (Could it be the defective tweet format?) Dave now has 116,609 Twitter followers! Dave dumps his first tweet onto the Internet:

  2. Dave points out the usual holiday decorations, including the meatball atop the Christmas tree. It's not just any meatball. Watch the care that goes into the preparations. / video:
    (clip): scenic farmland

    (female voice-over): "It all started in 2009, at a cattle farm in Upstate New York, ..."

    (photo): a little black and white calf, minding its own business

    (female voice-over): "... with this young, baby calf, affectionately known as Seymour. Seymour was lovingly fed a diet of fresh grass, forbs and legumes, until the age of two. He was then sweetly coaxed into cozy Building C, where Jerry..."

    (photo): a smiling Jerry, dressed in white

    (female voice-over): "... put a captive bolt pistol to the front of his head..."

    (Seymour, frightened): "Mooooo."

    (FX): Boom!

    (female voice-over): "... and..."

    (the screen goes to black)

    (male voice-over): "This portion of "The Story of the Late Show Meatball" has been edited, due to the intensely graphic nature of the material."

    (photo): Jerry, all bloodied-up

    (female voice-over): "... decapitated. And that's 'The Story of the Late Show Meatball.' Happy holidays from Jerry, and the whole gang at Loomis Meat Solutions."

    (title graphic)

••• Top Ten FedEx Guy Excuses (with another look at Barney Frank's giant hooters) ••• Shannon Eis with new holiday toys ••• Jon Huntsman interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "2011 in Review" ••• Jon joins the CBS Orchestra, playing "Johnny B. Goode" on Paul's piano. ••• bumper: Jon's beautiful daughters in the green room ••• J. Cole sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a clip of one of Shannon's toys pooping

There was some editing on tonight's telecast (apparently an entire desk chat), related to Shannon's hermit crab toys:


12/22/11 [3601]: Tonight's audience shout out, for the third consecutive night, is to Jerry Hobson from Hoboken, New Jersey. The catch is that he was in the audience two days ago. ••• Tonight we get a rare, inside look at "FedEx Platinum Service in action. / video: We see actual security tape of the driver who tossed a computer display over a security fence. ••• Hang onto your wigs and keys, because we have the first of several clips of monkeys riding dogs. ••• The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey opens this month, and we have the trailer:

(movie clips)

(voice-over): "Journey back to Middle Earth, with Bilbo Baggins, the wizard Galdalf and a colorful band of dwarfin adventurers: Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Dwalin, Balin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Ori, and the leader of their company, Ron."

(Dr. Ron Paul): "I would like to restore your right to drink raw milk, anytime you wanted to."

(The Hobbit graphic)

••• interruption: It's production assistant Michael Z. McIntee, as a FedEx carrier, holding an Acer computer display in its package. (At least he's not about to destroy an Apple™ product.)
(Dave): "Oh, hi. How're ya doin'?

(Wahoo Mike): "OK."

(Dave): "Are you a FedEx guy?

(Wahoo Mike): "Are you Dave Letterman?"

(Dave): "I am Dave Letterman."

(Wahoo Mike): "I've got a package for you."

(Dave): "Oh, you know what, I think that may be my new computer screen. Uh, I've been expecting this..."

(Wahoo Mike): "Where do you want me to put it?"

(Dave, pointing to his command module): "Over there, by the desk. That'll be fine. Thank you very much."

(Wahoo Mike gives the box a perfect heave, landing it just behind Dave's chair.)

(FX): breaking glass

(Wahoo Mike, turning to leave): "Merry Christmas."

(Dave): "Thanks.

••• Barack Obama went out shopping while the old lady First Lady is in Hawaii. He took the whole press corps with him. Then he bought his dog a new flea collar. Obama's really media savvy. / CNN video:
(shopping clips)

(voice-over): "Yesterday we gave you a rare glimpse of the president doing his Christmas shopping. And tonight, in a CNN exclusive, things get even more exciting as we present three riveting hours of Barack Obama doing his online Christmas shopping!"

(clip): the president with a laptop computer

(voice-over): "Only on CNN."

(CNN graphic)

••• "Late Show: A Year in Review" / video:

(voice-over): "Drunk guy broke into the theater. No Emmy nominations."

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(voice-over): "Another guy broke into the theater. Fatwa against Dave."

(clip of Regis Philbin's scooter wreck on 11/17/11)

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "And we almost killed Regis!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Late Show: A Year in Review.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
The Late Show holiday party was on Monday. The staff have some drinks, then tell their co-workers what they think of Dave. We see clips from the party, including Jay Johnson, Walter Kim and Brian Teta. Then we see the interns opening their presents. They don't get to keep them, you understand, but they do have the joy of unwrapping them. Then we see cue card dude Todd Seda behind a table with cookies. Uh oh. The gingerbread men must be naked, because Jerry Foley has pixelated out their junk. It seems they were ordered from an erotic bakery. Biff isn't bashful about eating them. Dave left the party early, and we see a cardboard cutout. Oh, this is sort of too bad. There's a mighty struggle underway, as some staff try to wrestle Tom Hanks to the door. He crashed the party. The tough guys get him out the door, when Tom hollers, "Hey, I'm friends with Ron Howard!"
••• Top Ten Signs You've Purchased a Bad Zoo (with the monkey-riding-a-doggie clip, of course) ••• Percussionist Ralph McDonald passed away on December 18. Paul and the CBSO are playing songs in tribute to him tonight, including "Where Is the Love," which he wrote. ••• Anderson Cooper interview ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's on the Twitter machine again. He has 119,991 followers today.

  2. Dave notices that the giant meatball that's traditionally stuck on top of the Empire State Building model on top of the Christmas tree, is missing. / green room cam: Anderson Cooper's eating it!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat:
  1. It's another tweet.

••• Lindsey Vonn, Olympic skier ••• desk chat: Dave tells us about some of the different skiing competitions. ••• Childish Gambino sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Tom Hanks

12/23/11 [3602]: [Nine times during the show, we'll have soldiers' greetings from faraway lands.] ••• It may be our first two-part audience shout out. Dave introduces himself as Jerry Hobson from Hoboken, New Jersey. It's his fourth shout out of the week! Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Delaware who doesn't know who his governor is. ••• There's been lots of fun with retiring Congressman Barney Frank this week. Dave says that if we're not sure what to get him for Christmas, he could always use another bra. / video: Barney's addressing the House of Representatives with some sort of pullover shirt that accentuates his hooters. ••• Presidential candidate Dr. Ron Paul sure has the Christmas spirit. / animation: Ron has Christmas lights in his eyebrows! ••• Dave wants us all to see We Bought a Zoo, and he has a clip. / video: We should have seen that coming down Broadway. It's a monkey riding a dog. ••• Hey... how about yet another look at Sherman Grossman, the sneezing monkey? (clip) ••• Evil, vicious, murdering dictator Kim Jong-Il croaked on Dec. 17. We have a photo of him in a bulletproof glass case, draped in bright red. Something catches Dave's eye. He calls for a close-up. Hey, that's not a bad idea at all. I'll bet the ancient Egyptians did this: It's an opened box of Arm & Hammer Baking Soda®, no doubt placed nearby to keep his handsome carcass fresh as a daisy. ••• But seriously, those North Koreans are all broken up about Kim kicking the bucket. Here's the official announcement. / video:

(female televison anchor, all choked up): "Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il has passed away at the age of 70. He was born in 1941 in Rockport, Illinois, and earned a business administration degree from Northwestern University. He worked for many years in the human resources department of Kraft Foods®, before becoming dictator of North Korea in 1994. His is survived by his wife, Debbie Jong-Il, and sons Kim Jong-Un, Kim Jong-Greg and Kim Jong-Brad. We'll be right back with tonight's Lotto numbers."

(music): "Breaking Now"

••• This is exciting. From the Late Show's affiliate in hell, we have dramatic live footage. Kim Jong-Il's dictator carcass is engulfed in the flames of perdition. ••• How about that Mitt Romney on FOXNews this week? / video:
(Mitt's with Chris Wallace)

(Wallace): "The rap against you... you've heard this... I'm not saying anything you haven't heard, Governor: You're robotic. First of all, do you think that's fair?"

(Mitt animation): His eyes flash. Circuitry on his chest blinks. We hear electronic beeps. Then laser beams shoot from Mitt's eyes, vaporizing Chris Wallace.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Bruce): "Merrrry Christmas, Dave."

(Linda): "Yes! Season's greetings! Tomorrow is our very special Christmas show, and it's going to be the best one yet. Jose Feliciano is going to join us by phone. And with a little luck, we're hoping for some 'Feliz Navidad'."

(Bruce): "Wow! We've been trying to get him for years! We also have something very big planned in the Cookery Nook. Dale Swenson, who's known as a blowtorch chef, will prepare an entire Christmas dinner, including a goose, in under 10 minutes, using only a blowtorch or two."

(Linda): "Now that's a tasty time saver! And, of course, we'll continue one of our favorite annual traditions. Meterologist Uncle Mike Sullivan will give his annual reading of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

(Bruce): "I love the way he acts out all the different characters."

(Linda): "Yeah, there's never a dry eye when he's finished. All that, plus plenty of holiday surprises, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Feliz Navidad, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Linda. Same to you."

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During the Holidays (including the FedEx carrier throwing a package, Barney Frank's hooters, Sherman the monkey sneezing and a monkey riding a dog) ••• Dave announces that legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett is retiring tonight. Let's quote him directly.
(David Letterman): "Ladies and gentlemen, it's a happy night, and it's a sad night, but this is such a tremendous guy that you can only be happy for him. His name is Dave Dorsett. He's been with us a long, long time, and he's decided that now is just about the time to be retiring. Let me give you the stats on this guy's career.
  • 46 years at CBS
  • began at CBS on December 20th, 1965, and as long as I've known him, he's been right behind the camera that looks at me, every single night, and, yeah...
  • audience applause
  • You think you have a lousy job?
  • His first job here at the network? He was operating a camera on the daytime show, The Secret Storm. Ooooh. The Secret... The Secret Storm! Those were the days when there was no Weather Channel®, and they would try to keep these storms..."
  • In his career, Dave has won eight Emmys for his work behind the camera, so he's a tremendous..."
(Dave shows a photo of a much younger Dave.) "I love this picture. I'm going to start wearing this in a locket... this picture. This is when Dave was a private detective. 'How long's your brother-in-law been missing?' He's just... he's the guy you want to be, and he's helped us out in many, many ways. We put together a little tape of Dave, as he spent the last 30 or so years here with us, or whatever."

We see all kinds of segments Dave Dorsett has appeared in, as John Prine's "All the Best" plays as background music.

"All the Best"

I wish you love
And happiness
I guess I wish you
All the best
I wish you don't
Do like I do
And ever fall in love with
Someone like you
Cause if you fell
Just like I did
You'd probably walk around the block
Like a little kid.
But kids don't know
They can only guess
How hard it is
To wish you happiness

(voice-overs by Dave on Dave's accomplishments)

I wish you love
I wish you happiness.

••• desk chat: Dave tells the story of Jay Thomas running out of the green room and taking over the Quarterback Challenge between him and Vinny Testaverde, nailing the shot at the Christmas tree meatball. It's Jay's 13th time to come on and tell his Lone Ranger story and throw the football. ••• Jay Thomas interview and Lone Ranger story / We're changing it up this year, as Jay, Todd Seda and Dave re-enact the punchline of the story. That's right. At long last, Dave plays the Lone Ranger. ••• "Late Show Quarterback Challenge": Jay eventually takes down the meatball. The pizza went on shots seven and eight. It was the 12th throw, by Jay, that did the trick. ••• desk chat: Dave informs us that while dressed as the Lone Ranger was the only time in his life he's felt like a man. By the way, Todd Seda did an amazing job of looking "herbed up." ••• David Hyde Pierce plugs his play Close Up Space, with the Manhattan Theatre Club at the City Center Stage, 131 West 55th Street. David has some great holiday, dog and grandma stories. ••• Act 5 tonight is a song by one of the soldiers. ••• For the 18th time, Darlene Love sings "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."

12/26/11: REPEAT FROM 11/10/11

12/27/11: REPEAT FROM 11/11/11

12/28/11: REPEAT FROM 11/23/11

12/29/11: REPEAT FROM 12/06/11

12/30/11: REPEAT FROM 12/15/11

2008 episode logs       2009 episode logs       2010 episode logs

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.

Each Friday night, the week's five new logs are pasted into a master file (formatted in html), containing all 3,500+ entries, covering all 18 years on CBS. The file's now at 1132 pages and 5.1 MB. No, I've never printed it.

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