2008  2009 

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1/01/10: REPEAT FROM 12/07/09

1/04/10 [3238]: monologue: Dave has three resolutions for the new year:

  1. Sometime this year, 2010, he'd like to come home with a competitive eating trophy.
  2. He wants to make a cat video for YouTube.
  3. Dave has to comes to terms with the fact that he's living in a man's body.
••• monologue: Record low temperatures are being reported around the world. Dave obtained a recent picture of earth from Ed at NASA. / animation: Our beloved planet is wearing one of those hats with fur ear flaps, and shivering something awful. (x 3) ••• monologue: The New York Jets beat the Bengals in frigid conditions, putting themselves into the playoffs. / video: The player who dumps the Gatorade cooler on the winning coach doesn't realize that the refreshing beverage has become a frozen, orange cylinder. ••• "Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab Mispronunciation Roundup" / video: A bunch of news anchors stumble over the famous terrorist's name. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the Balloon Boy story, since he loves doing the Balloon Boy imitation. Also, he's fascinated with terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab's exploding underpants. How does one convince someone to put on exploding underpants, anyway, and then fly from Amsterdam to Detroit wearing them? ••• after commercial: Yes, it's more on exploding underpants! Can't someone in Amsterdam spot exploding underpants? ••• Top Ten Washington Wizards Explanations ••• Michael Cera plugs Youth in Revolt. / We see Michael's parents in the green room. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow..." ••• Jenna Elfman plugs Accidentally on Purpose. ••• David Gray sings.

1/05/10 [3239]: It's a very cold week in the USA. / Photoshop fun: All four dudes of Mount Rushmore are wearing fur winter hats with earflaps. ••• Rod Blagojevich is going to be on Donald Trump's The Apprentice. / animation: The hair of both gentlemen is alive and growling at the other. ••• We're now learning that a third person besides Michaele and Tareq Salahi crashed the White House state dinner on November 24, 2009. / surveillance video: It's the famous clip of David Hasselhoff, drunk on the floor. ••• Barack Obama has appointed a transgender person, Amanda Simpson, to the Commerce Department. / interruption:

Alan Kalter hollers, "What? Amanda? Amanda used to be a dude? Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

(Alan exits the theater, presumably to urp, or kill himself or commit some other act of desperation.)

••• The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has produced a strange public service announcement in the aftermath of the Nigerian terrorist underpants bomber incident on Christmas day. / video:
(clip of New Year's Eve celebration)

(voice-over): "The Department of Homeland Security wishes you a happy 2010, and reminds you that especially in light of recent events, New Year's is a great time to replace the batteries in your family's underpants smoke detectors.

(clip of an underpants-mounted smoke detector)

(voice-over): "The Department of Homeland Security: Glasses in about an hour™."

••• There's a new movie about vampires, and Dave can't get enough of this stuff. / video:
(black screen)

(voice-over): "Humanity decimated. A world ruled by the undead. If you see one vampire film this year, and you're not sick of vampires after already watching..."

(movie posters)

(voice-over): "...Twilight: New Moon, Underworld, Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Revenge of the Lycans, Blade, Blade II, Blade: Trinity, 30 Days of Night, I Am Legend and Trueblood... then see Daybreak. Opens Friday."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's stewing about his overeating (like a rabid wolverine, to be exact). He may have a point. For example, he weighed 185 pounds on December 1. The scrim rises to reveal the George Clarke scale with a large, digital display. Dave moseys on over and checks his weight. The numbers stabilize to reveal Dave's early January weight of 365.3 pounds. This is near an all-time high for our host. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Already Having a Bad Year:

#10: Your underpants keep exploding.
#8: You're the nurse who had to give Rush Limbaugh a sponge bath.
#5: Started the year with ten fingers, now not so much.
#3. Still afraid to come out of your Y2K bunker.
#2. You've spent all of 2010 locked in Mike Leach's shed.
#1. You're here, aren't you?

••• Amy Adams plugs Leap Year. ••• "Late Show Technical Minute" (with Erik, Gary Mintz and Mike) /

(CBSO): peppy "Late Show Technical Minute" theme song

(Gary): "The new year is here, and that means a lot of exciting new changes in the Technical Maintenance Department. Isn't that right, Mike?"

(Mike): "Right indeed, Gary! First and foremost, we've begun testing the new Symphony Nitris DX4™, with real time NTSC output for 1080 24P projects, and ancillary data handling!"

(Erik): "It only gets better, Mike. The DNxHD encoding provides a flawless HD quality and incredibly low bandwidth, and pushes the envelope with SpectraMatte keying, fluid motion time effects and Boris Continuum Complete."

(Gary): "Well said, Erik and Mike, and get this. The architecture is optimized for digital HD codecs, including HDV, Secam HD, DVCPRO HD and Avid DNxHD. I could go on, but we should always leave the audience wanting more. That's all the time we have for today. Remember, as we say in Technical Maintenance..."

(all together): "It ain't broke if we can fix it."

(CBSO): peppy "Late Show Technical Minute" theme song

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show..." ••• Zachary Levi plugs Chuck.

True Confessions: I swiped the Technical Maintenance term SpectraMatte keying from the Wahoo Gazette. I couldn't understand what Erik was saying. I got the rest of the jargon just like the writers did, from the Symphony Nitris DX4 Web page! Since I use Final Cut Pro to make the videos on this site, I actually understood some of what they were saying.

Note: The Human Rights Campaign -- the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender civil rights organization -- demanded a public apology on Jan. 6 for Alan's little skit. I'm not holding my breath until they get it.

1/06/10 [3240]: monologue: There was a big summit meeting in Washington, with President Obama and his top advisers. / photo: We see Leon Panetta (CIA), Dennis Blair (National Intelligence), Robert Gates (Defense) and Mark Harmon (NCIS Special Agent). ••• monologue: We had the Nigerian terrorist with exploding underpants on Christmas day. Barack Obama says it was a screw-up. Now there are new security regulations. / video:

(clip of an airport security area)

(voice-over): "Airport security making it difficult to carry out your terror plot? Fly Air Jihad, the first airline exclusively for terrorists."

(clip of a Boeing 747 with Air Jihad logos)

(voice-over continues): "With no security restrictions, carrying out your mission will be easier than ever."

(voice-over by the man who always voices over Osama bin Laden): "This is your captain speaking. We have reached our cruising altitude. Feel free to move about the cabin, assemble bomb components, storm the cockpit, ignite explosive powder in your underpants or just enjoy the in-flight movie, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Thank you."

(voice-over): "Air Jihad gets you there."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• There was a report of gunplay in the Washington Wizards locker room, but it turns out it was just a joke. Still, there is a bigger problem. / video:
(game clip): Somebody shoots a basketball about to score on a free throw. (I couldn't tell what game it was, as there was school closing text all over the picture.)
••• Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Airport ••• desk chat: Dave has a fun new gag. He mimics working a car jack, and Dave Dorsett eases his camera up. ••• Sigourney Weaver plugs Avatar. ••• Marv Albert interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Albert Achievement Awards ••• Julian Casablancas sings.

1/07/10 [3241]: monologue: impressions of Elvis as Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy ••• There was a meeting at the White House to discuss recent security issues such as the underpants bomber. / video:

(clip of the president)

(voice-over): "President Obama takes recent security lapses very seriously. That's why on Tuesday he convened a special security meeting in the White House Situation Room, attended by Cabinet secretaries, top intelligence officials and the McCade family from Davenport, Iowa, who somehow got in. The Obama administration: No rules. Just right."

••• "Late Show Word of the Week" / video: About 15 anchors and commentators say "underpants." Among those seen are Steve Doocy, Julie Banderas, Glenn Beck and Derek Burleson. ••• desk chat: Dave's annoyed with flying because of the security checks he's endured. / video: Our host's at an airport having a full-body scan. Two female TSA employees are simultaneously giggling and disgusted. Kim Reynolds, Assistant to the Director, plays one of the guards. ••• Homer Simpson presents the Top Ten Things I've Learned from the Last 20 Years of Television. ••• Bradley Cooper plugs The Hangover on DVD. ••• interruption: Tony Mendez would like a moment of air time to send his birthday wishes to his Aunt Peg, who's 85. Dave agrees, but what he says seems more like a paid promo for George Lopez than something for his aunt. When Dave calls him on it, Tony does one of his rants and storms off the stage. ••• Rachel Maddow plugs The Rachel Maddow Show. ••• Nick Jonas and the Administration sing.

1/08/10 [3242]: monologue: Dave has a slight mishap with a joke. We go back to the previous cue card to fix it. All is well. ••• Some buses in New York City are now equipped with a bulletproof compartment for the driver. Everyone seems worried about security these days. / Photoshop fun: The Statue of Liberty is now in a transparent, bulletproof box. ••• Government agencies are trying to tighten up aviation security. Meanwhile, commercial entities are trying to cash in on the problems. / Homeland Security video:

(voice-over): "Due to recent incidents, additional security procedures are being implemented. Effective immediately, there will be a mandatory ten-day waiting period and a complete background check for anyone wishing to buy Hanes® underpants."

(picture of underpants)

(voice-over): "Hanes: If underpants are outlawed, only outlaws will have underpants."

••• The Russians are planning to send a monkey to Mars. It's a three-year round trip, including the wait for the planets to align for the return trip. / CNN video:
(voice-over): "News from the world of science: The Russian Space Agency has announced plans to send a monkey to explore Mars. Details of the mission are shrouded in secrecy. A Cosmonaut Academy representative would only tell us this."

(movie clip of a chimpanzee on the phone, making silly noises with his mouth)

(voice-over): "More news after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the recent firing of Texas Tech coach Mike Leach for making Adam James (not named by Dave) chill in a room or shed by himself. Coach Leach gets himself fired over it, and can't figure out why, because the shed or whatever is near the ice machine! ••• Dave does his new "camera jack" trick again. He pretends the desk microphone is a car jack handle, and if he works it just right, Dave Dorsett's camera raises accordingly. He makes quite a production of it this time, and Teri Hatcher will make several references to the stunt in a little while. / shot of the legendary Dave Dorsett ••• Top Ten Signs Regis Philbin Is Not Quite Right ••• Teri Hatcher plugs Desperate Housewives and tells about pole dancing. She rides a bike to work. Maybe that's why she's so hot. ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up. He has a little beard or goatee now. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss Monday's Late Show." ••• The Dodos sing.

1/11/10 [3243]: monologue: "Ladies and gentlemen, once again I did not get the Tonight Show." ••• interruption: "A Message from NBC News" / video:

(NBC peacock logo)

(voice-over): "We interrupt this program so that we may bring you a message from NBC News."

(voice-over by the same guy, pretending to be someone else): "NBC has decided to move David Letterman back to 12:30."

(voice-over by the original guy, not pretending to be someone else): "This has been a message from NBC News."

••• interruption: Dave wonders if Tony Mendez has shuffled the cue cards. ••• Dave favors us with one of the bird calls he does with his hands. It's been a while. ••• monologue: Dave runs down the chain of events involving late night at NBC. There is chaos over there. Here's a live feed from the network.
(shot of Don King and Charles Grodin, sitting behind a folding table that resembles Dave's desk)

(show graphic)

(voice-over by Alan Kalter): "Nighttime with Chuck and Don will return in a moment."

••• "Arnold Schwarzenegger: Everything's Fine" / video:
(Arnold): "We need to move the state forward, and bring in both of the parties together, and to get our infrastructure - the water infrastructure - bill passed."

(A picture behind the governor falls right off the wall.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did you know that Jennifer Connelly ignores all my calls and e-mails? Puzzling!" ••• desk chat: Dave runs through the circumstances to led to his getting Late Night, and eventually, Jay "Big Jaw" Leno getting the Tonight Show in preference to him. Now Dave claims that NBC has just called him to bring his monkey circus to NBC! ••• Top Ten Signs There's Trouble at NBC ••• Carson Daly bumper (after Dave claims to not know who he is) ••• Jennifer Connelly plugs Creation. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show." ••• Paul Teutul, Sr. ••• Ryan Bingham sings.

1/12/10 [3244]: interruption: We hear an unfamiliar sound. It's Gene Szymanski operating a floor polisher, totally upstaging Dave.

(Dave): "Gene. Gene, we're right in the middle of a show."

(Gene): "What possible difference can it make?"

(Dave): "Well, he's got a point!"

••• monologue: NBC is shaking up their evening and late night line-up. They're scrambling to find a replacement show. / video:
(graphic): Law & Order logo

(voice-over): "In the television industry, there are two types of talk show hosts: Jay Leno, and those who have been victimized by Jay Leno. These are their stories."

(graphic): Law & Order: Leno Victims Unit logo

(clip): supermarket tabloid of Conan O'Brien and caption: "Walk Show"

(clip): Jimmy Fallon

(montage clip): "and Ice-T as Carson Daly"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to organize and focus his thoughts about the "debacle" at NBC, with Leno being moved out of prime time, bumping Conan from 10:35, prompting Conan to leave NBC, as announced today. Gaines and Paul help Dave with some of the facts about the NBC days. Dave has a 5¾-minute discourse, taking great joy in referring to his competitor as Jay "Big Jaw" Leno. He goes on and on, and it's priceless. I don't know when I've seen Dave so happy! Also, we get the rare treat of hearing Dave's Leno impression. ••• Carson Daly bumper ••• after commercial: It's more desk chat about the NBC debacle. Dave quotes Martin Mull's observation, "Show business is high school with money." "This thing could go to the Supreme Court," Dave says. ••• Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day at Fox News ••• Whoopi Goldberg plugs The View. ••• It's a blockbuster new segment, "Gary Mintz: Sex Robot." /
(Dave): "A company in New Jersey has developed what they're calling the world's first sex robot. We placed a call over there and they said, 'Sure,' so they sent out a prototype. Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to the newest sex robot. Come on out. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen."

(Gary): "Hi, everybody. I'm Gary, the sex robot. Thanks to the state-of-the-art digital technology, I'm programmed for thousands of sensual techniques that will bring you to the brink of ecstasy. Allow me to demonstrate. May I have a sexually-frustrated volunteer from the audience?"

(Dave, interrupting): "OK. OK. I, I... uh, Gary, you know... Sadly, we don't have time for the demonstration. I'm sorry."

(Gary): "Suit yourself, grease man. And..."

(Gary, giving Mr. Spock's "live long and prosper" hand sign): "...may the force be with you."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Kiefer Sutherland." ••• Jason Sudeikis plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• Findlay Brown sings.

1/13/10 [3245]: monologue: "Let me tell you something. I have not been this entertained by NBC since Balloon Boy threw up on the Today show." ••• "Jay Leno: The Early Years" / video:

(photo of a boy on a stage)

(voice-over): "After losing out on the part of Captain Hook to Peter McKittrick, eight-year-old Jay Leno sabotaged the school's production of Peter Pan."

(clip of a hopelessly clumsy Peter Pan flying from side to side, demolishing the set of the play)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Jay Leno: The Early Years.' "

••• It looks as if Jay Leno is going to go back to 11:30, but he has other plans in the works. / video:
(clip): opening TV show montage

(voice-over): "Congratulations to Jay Leno on his inevitable return to the Tonight Show, and stay tuned to NBC for more excitement in the coming weeks as Jay takes over the Arsenio Hall Show, and takes over Merv Griffin's grave."

(Jay, emerging from the earth of Merv's grave): "Your local news starts now."

(voice-over): "NBC: 'Crunch all you want. We'll make more.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Did you know that due to a typo on his DMV application, Kiefer Sutherland's vanity license plate is '25'?" ••• desk chat: Dave once again has a discourse on the drama involved with shuffling Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien.
Dave says, "Many, many, many top stars - proven television personalities - and their careers and futures are at stake here, and it's all because of the bungling machinations of the idiots at the NBC executive level." He goes on to tell how, after one of the Late Night anniversary specials at Radio City Music Hall, he got so mad at the "pinheads, the nitwits and the twits and the knuckle draggers and the mouth breathers" that he sent Executive Producer and personal manager Jack Rollins to uninvite one of them from the after party. He saw the man later, hanging his head, but said, "When you're this dumb, there's a price that comes with that." "You can't walk around being stupid and expect to be invited to parties," Dave observes. "Here's my goal, my dream, for American television. I just want everybody who wants a show to have a show," Dave says. "It's 2010. If we can't get these kids shows, then the terrorists have won!" Dave concludes by telling about Jay Leno hiding in a closet to eavesdrop on an executives' meeting to discuss who should get the Tonight Show.
••• Top Ten Messages Left on Jeff Zucker's Voicemail ••• graphic: big picture of Jeff Zucker ••• desk chat after commercial: more on NBC ••• Kiefer Sutherland (in a dress because he lost a bet on the New England Patriots over the weekend) plugs the new season of 24. By the way, the CBSO played Kiefer offstage with Aerosmith's "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)." ••• clip: Dave and Dennis Rodman in dresses, out on the sidewalk, on 11/15/96 ••• desk chat: Dave brings up the recent 7.0 earthquake in Haiti, and encourages viewers to help. Contribute by visiting World Food Program. On Tuesday, Bettina Luescher of the United Nations World Food Program will be a guest on the Late Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show, with Dr. O. Wayne Isom." ••• Keri Russell plugs Extraordinary Measures. What a beautiful woman! ••• The Hot Rats sing. ••• with closing credits: photo of Jeff Zucker

1/14/10 [3246]: monologue: "Earlier today, NBC announced that they were putting the NBC peacock on the endangered species list." ••• monologue: "I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." ••• Jay Leno likes to be the center of attention. / New York Harbor cam: The Statue of Liberty has been replaced by The Statue of Leno! ••• Dave announces that today is the 10th anniversary of his quintuple bypass operation. ••• live via satellite from Burbank, California: We have a camera on NBC Studios, watching the chimney for word that a new Tonight Show host has been selected. ••• back to Burbank: At last! White smoke from the NBC chimney! ••• Mr. Leno has been getting a lot of negative publicity for all the turmoil at NBC. / video:

(voice-over): "Jay Leno is Middle America."

(clips of flags, barns, Little League and watermelon)

(voice-over): "He represents traditional American values... the things this country was built on, like killing Indians because you want their land. Jay Leno: America's standing up for Jay!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave proudly announces an unexpected visit today by Leslie Moonves, president of CBS. Les wanted Dave to know that he was happy Dave's there. ••• desk chat: It's more on the NBC mess. Dave just wants us to know that Jay Leno is a humanitarian... a man of the people. Dave doesn't know how many times he's picked up the newspaper to read another account of Jay stopping on the roadside to help refuel a car or change a tire. He cares about people. Dave says, "Whatever happens, he will, of course, do the right thing. He will probably, if I had to bet, will step aside and let Conan continue as the host of the Tonight Show. That's the kind of guy he is: putting others first." (audience members and home viewers all giggling) ••• Top Ten Pieces of Advice for People Having Heart Surgery ••• Denzel Washington plugs The Book of Eli. ••• Dr. O. Wayne Isom recaps Dave's operation, and receives Dave's thanks for letting him live to have Harry. ••• The Low Anthem sing.

1/15/10 [3247]: interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum appears onstage and begins working on Dave's jacket with a lint lifter.

(Sue): "Want to make sure you look good."

(Dave): "Oh, thanks, Sue."

(Sue): "Don't want your ass getting canned, too!"

••• monologue: "The Underpants Bomber couldn't get his underpants to explode. He ought to come to my place for tacos!" ••• Has anyone gone through airport security since the Underpants Bomber did his thing? / photo: people in crazy costumes ••• Mayor Bloomberg's concerned about the health of New Yorkers, and is putting some new measures in place. / video:
(voice-over): "Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the New York City Department of Health are leading a national salt-reduction initiative to lower sodium consumption by 20% in the next five years."

(photo of a salt shaker)

(voice-over): "Bloomberg has long been a proponent of healthy food and living, saying he wants all children to grow up big and strong... just like the mayor."

(photo of the 5' 5" mayor beside a much taller woman)

(voice-over): "Bloomberg: America's cutest mayor."

••• There are big changes coming to television in the coming months. / video:
(voice-over): "The television landscape is changing every day. To keep you, the viewer, informed, we've compiled a list of the most recent developments. George Stephanopoulos, who had been hosting This Week, is now hosting Good Morning America. Ted Koppel, who used to host Nightline, will now host This Week. Jay Leno, who used to host the Tonight Show at 11:35, but has since moved to 10 P.M., will reclaim his slot at 11:35. Conan O'Brien, who used to host Late Night at 12:35, but has since moved to the Tonight Show, will move to 12:05, or to Fox. And Larry King will be replaced by a boot."

(boot): "Duluth, Minnesota, you're on the air."

(voice-over): "Paid for by a company."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave moseys into the audience to deliver a birthday dinner-for-two certificate for the Red Eye Grill. ••• "Green Tips" /
  1. Breathe fewer times per minute.
  2. Instead of Hot Pockets™, switch to Lukewarm Pockets™.
  3. (interruption: Pat Farmer wants to discuss Clarence Clemons' birthday this week.)
  4. Instead of a fuel-using lawnmower, encourage your kids to graze.
  5. (glass-breaking FX: April Stevens with "Teach Me Tiger")
  6. Save paper by printing Al Green tips on one page. Dave apologizes, "I'm sorry. Save paper by printing all Green Tips on one page."
  7. Leave old, unwanted family members by the side of the road.
••• desk chat: Dave wants to tell us about his travels to Italy many years ago. When he paid for a couple of items, the bill was 8 million lira. Dave demonstrates the payment by producing a huge stack of white paper towels. ••• Top Ten Excuses of the Naked White House Jogger ••• Glenn Close plugs Damages. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us Monday..." ••• Late Show Talent Coordinator / Audience Warm-up comedian Eddie Brill does stand-up. He delivered a bunch of really funny, unique material. ••• Matt Morris sings.

1/18/10 [3248]: There's Jets fever in New York. / Photoshop fun: The Statue of Liberty is Jets green! ••• Gene Szymanski, wearing a Jets jersey, strolls onstage to collect $50 from Dave. We all assume it's for a bet on the big Jets win. Actually, it's a recurring debt. Dave has to pay the crew to not beat him up. ••• Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death about four times now. We have an updated police sketch of him. / photo: Amy Winehouse ••• The Colts look forward to playing the Jets in the AFC championship game on Sunday. / video:

(voice-over): "The Colts look forward to facing the Jets on Sunday. Indianapolis will be without Peyton Manning, however, because he's filming a Radio Shack™ commercial at noon, and a Gatorade™ commercial at three. Peyton Manning: back in the fall."
••• "The Future of the Tonight Show" / video:
(voice-over): "January 2010: Conan O'Brien hosts his final Tonight Show. March 2010: Jay Leno resumes hosting The Tonight Show. July 2042: NBC converts Jay Leno into a cyborg, so he can host The Tonight Show through the 23rd century."

(Leno, as Darth Vader, at his desk): "Folks, it's Monday night. Time for Headlines."

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching. Your local news starts now."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Jay Leno's America's best friend. He'll stop along the road and fix your car, like AAA. Dave has a copy of the January 15 New York Times. It has an interview with NBC's Dick Ebersol, who's now gotten into the fray over the Tonight Show situation. Ebersol said it was "chicken-hearted and gutless to blame a guy you couldn't beat in the ratings." Dave acknowledges that he is, in fact, chicken-hearted and gutless, but that's not why he's been making the jokes. He explains, "I'm telling jokes and making fun of Jay Leno, over and over and over, relentlessly, mercilessly, simply for one reason: I'm really enjoying it. I don't know... it's just fun!" ••• Top Ten Signs the New York Jets Are Getting Cocky ••• Kristen Bell plugs When in Rome. ••• Randy Jackson plugs American Idol. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show, with guest Dwayne Johnson." ••• The Heavy sing.

1/19/10 [3249]: intro: "And now, chicken-hearted, gutless talk show host, David Letterman!" ••• monologue: "Conan O'Brien wants to work for a network that is more trustworthy than NBC. Well, what about Al Jazeera?" ••• monologue: "Here's how bad things are at NBC out there in Burbank, at the headquarters of NBC out there in Burbank, here's how bad they are. Earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered. That's how bad." ••• monologue: The FBI has updated an earlier photo of Osama bin Laden to show what he looks like now. / photo: Hmmm. He sure looks a lot like Mr. Suspenders, Larry King. ••• monologue: When you out there in the mountains, on the run, like Osama, it's a rough, tough life. / updated photo: Nick Nolte's booking photo from September 2002 ••• NBC is promoting the new Tonight Show with Jay Leno. / video:

(voice-over): "Hey, late night fans! In just a few short weeks, Jay Leno will be back where he belongs, as host of the Tonight Show."

(lots of clips of Jay, out and about)

(voice-over): "And all your favorite elements of Jay's Tonight Show will be back: the phony handshakes, the guy with the guitar who laughs at everything, the bit he stole from Letterman's Late Night show, the bit he stole from Howard Stern, the announcer he stole from Howard Stern, and me. I'm Edd Hall. The all-new Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk again about Jay Leno and the Tonight Show. "What we're seeing now is vintage Jay," Dave says. Jay says we should not blame Conan for what is going on. "And I said to myself," Dave says, "no one is blaming Conan." ••• Dwayne Johnson plugs The Tooth Fairy. He used to be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, by the way. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: plug for donations to the World Food Programme at www.wfp.org/lateshow ••• Bettina Luescher of the United Nations World Food Programme ••• Dave announces that The Swell Season was bumped.

1/20/10 [3250]: cold open with Dave and Executive Producer Jude Brennan / video:

(Dave): "NBC is giving Conan $40,000,000 to walk away. $40,000,000 to walk away! What do you think of that?"

(Jude): "If I give you $20, can I walk away?"

(Dave, accepting the dough): "Yeah. Sure. You want me to get you a cab?"

(roll opening montage)

••• monologue: "In Southern California it's pouring rain. It's one of those times a year in Southern California when it's raining like crazy out there in Los Angeles, and there's flooding everywhere. And I'm thinkin' to myself, 'Whoa! It's a good thing that Conan O'Brien's getting sandbagged.' " ••• monologue: "They've got the floods. They've got the mudslides. And the only thing left standing, as usual, is Jay Leno." ••• "Politicians Who Used to Be Models" / video: Senator-Elect Scott Brown, Gerald Ford and Abraham Lincoln (holding his stovepipe hat in sort of an unusual place) ••• The FBI has updated their photo of Osama bin Laden by using a computer. / picture: It's a very tired-looking Osama, wearing a Florida Marlins cap. ••• "Jay Leno: A Look Back" / video:
(voice-over): "In 2010, Jay Leno stole The Tonight Show from Conan O'Brien. In 1992, he claimed the host's chair by forcing out the beloved Johnny Carson. And in 1961, a conniving Jay Leno managed to wrest control of The Tonight Show from Jack Paar."

(doctored clip of Jay interviewing Richard M. Nixon): "What the hell were you thinkin'?"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Jay Leno: A Look Back.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: CBS is a family which includes performers and affiliates, and they rely on each other. / "CBS Affiliate of the Night" / video:
(graphic): KOIN local 6 - Portland, Vancouver, Salem

(clip): Conan on The Tonight Show

(clip): anchors Art Edwards, Kacey Montoya, Christine Ferreira and Carly Kennelly at the desk

(Kacey Montoya): "Conan has been offered $30,000,000 to walk away from his NBC contract."

(three female anchors, agreeing): "Team Conan!"

(Carly Kennelly): "I do like Jay Leno, though, but Conan's just hilarious."

(Kacey Montoya): "We're Team Letterman."

(Carly Kennelly, interrupting): "Actually, well... I won't say anything."

(Note: Thanks to reader David DiNucci for helping with the anchors' names.)

••• Alan Kalter asked for airtime to speak to the home viewers. Here we go:
(Alan): "And thank you, Gutless. This week marks the one-year anniversary of President Barack Obama taking office. Well, has he met the expectations of voters over the past 12 months? Let's find out what the people have to say."

(Alan leaves his podium): "Follow me."

(Alan walks out of sight backstage.)

(Alan, returning): "The cameras didn't follow me outside did they?"

(Dave): "No. No, sorry."

(Alan): "I bust my ass for this show. I do. I do. I give a pound-and-a-half of flesh, but does anybody care? No! Because nobody here knows how to run a damn TV show. Well, you know what? I don't care, either. I don't care. I'll just go on autopilot, like the rest of you brain-dead morons. Damn!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Alan Kalter has been nominated for a Screen Actors Guild award in the category of Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series. Watch the Screen Actors Guild awards this Saturday night on TNT and TBS, and root for Alan! Back to you, Dave!"

••• interruption: Dave says it's time to buy Girl Scout cookies from a lady in the audience, for Troop 50156. Dave wants all of them. Each girl is supposed to sell 20 boxes. There are 13 girls in the troop, and cookies are $4 a box. Dave says to give her $1,040. Then he says to give her $2,000. ••• Claire Danes plugs Temple Grandin on HBO. ••• out of commercial: Eddie Brill takes $2,000 to the Girl Scout audience lady. He wants the cookies delivered to Carly Kennelly of KOIN-6 in Portland, Oregon. ••• Will Arnett plugs When in Rome. ••• Carole King and James Taylor sing.

1/21/10 [3251]: Scott Brown was elected Senator from Massachusetts on Tuesday. He has naughty pictures in Cosmopolitan on his resume. Dave has near-nekkid pictures of Senator Brown and Senator Chuck Schumer for us. Ewww. Not only that, he has video of Sen. Brown and his wife walking nekkid on a beach. (Cue slide whistle.) (x2) ••• Jay Leno is a shrewd negotiator. Dave has security cam footage of Jay settling his deal with an NBC executive. / video:

(scene from Collision Course, 1989)

Jay's holding Noriyuki "Pat" Morita by the collar, asking, "What the hell is that, some kind of code?" and slapping him around a little.

(more slapping)

(Jay): "Snap out of it!"

••• (monologue): "But don't worry about Conan. Conan leaving the show, but he's taking with him $45,000,000. $45,000,000. He had the gig for seven months. He's leaving with $45,000,000. I'm tellin' you, it's like a Larry King divorce. That's exactly what it's like. And as part of the settlement with Conan O'Brien, Conan will not be allowed to badmouth NBC. Ahh, don't worry, I'll take care of that!" ••• "Getting to Know Carson Daly" / video:
(photos of Mr. Daly)

(voice-over): "Carson Daly is a talk show host... or a comedian... or a VJ... or something like that, who has a show on NBC at 1:30 A.M... or maybe 2... I'm not really sure. I only saw him once, when my dog was up all night vomiting."

(photo of a dyspeptic Labrador retriever)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Getting to Know Carson Daly.' "

••• "The Jay Leno File" / video:
(voice-over): "2010: Jay Leno's failure in prime time forces Conan O'Brien to step down as host of The Tonight Show. 1992: Jay begins his rise as host of The Tonight Show, forcing talk show legend Johnny Carson off the air."

(photo of a sad-looking Johnny)

(voice-over): "1989: Jay uses one of his vintage classic cars to force Jimmy Stewart off the road."

(clip of a car going off a California cliff)

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Jay Leno File.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave is unfocused. He's not addressing the audience. Paul Shaffer is forced to intervene. It turns out that Dave is gazing at a hunky picture of Senator Scott Brown that's been hung on the set. ••• desk chat: People are asking why Dave is telling more jokes about Jay Leno than Conan "Big Hair" O'Brien. He decides to correct the problem. This is exciting. Writer Joe Grossman has agreed to come onstage with his little notebook of jokes. Joe appears and begins.
  • "Conan O'Brien's chin is so big, it was just hired as the new spokesman for Jenny Craig."
  • "Conan O'Brien owns so many cars, every Valentine's Day he sends a floral arrangement to his mechanic."
  • "Conan O'Brien's voice is so high-pitched, doctors use it to dissolve kidney stones."
  • "Conan O'Brien is so old, every night when he finishes taping CBS's Late Show, his staff wraps him in mummy bandages and puts him in a sarcophagus."
Dave gives Joe the boot.
••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Scott Brown ••• outside video: Harrison Ford signing autographs for eBay enterpreneurs ••• Harrison Ford plugs Extraordinary Measures. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: plug for the United Nations World Food Programme (www.wfp.org/lateshow) ••• more Harrison Ford ••• Dave shows a picture of Harrison Ford. No, silly... not the actor... the imaginary car dealership. ••• The Blind Boys of Alabama (with special guest Lou Reed) sing.

1/22/10 [3252]: interruption: Producer Brian Teta strolls onstage with a fast food order.

(Dave): "Oh, my God!"

(Brian): "They didn't have muffins, but I got you an apple fritter instead."

(Dave): "Did you go to Starbucks?"

(Brian): "Yeah."

(Dave): "You know, I didn't order, uh... point number one... number one... I didn't order anything from Starbucks. And B, we're right in the middle of a show."

(Brian does his wide-eyed look of terror.)

(Dave): "But thank you very much."

(Brian): Drops the merchandise on the stage floor and sprints out the back of the theater.

••• Bill Carter wrote The Late Shift in response to NBC's snub of Dave back in 1993. The book was made into a movie. Now there's a sequel.
(voice-over): "In 1996, HBO gave us the critically-acclaimed movie about the late night wars, and now the story continues in Late Shift 2, a behind-the-scenes look at the struggle between Conan and Jay over the 11:35 time slot. Featuring Max von Sydow as David Letterman."

(Photoshopped combination of von Sydow and Dave)

(voice-over): "Late Shift 2: Coming soon to HBO."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / In honor of the troubles at NBC, the CBSO selects U2's "It's a Beautiful Day" to play into commercial. ••• desk chat: Dave's apparently said all he has about NBC for the moment. He wants to talk about Harry's unusual pets. He has African clawed frogs and albino frogs. Their names are Swimmy and Clinker. Harry has toads, too. Their names are Hoppy and Zoogy. The toads are fun, but they burrow, so if you want to pretend you have a pet, you have to dig 'em up. The toads eat crickets, but you have to dust them with calcium powder before serving. ••• "Fun Facts" / Dave gets in trouble with Paul for hurrying through tonight's facts, but Dave's afraid of Gaines, because she's only given him two minutes for the segment. Dave tries to put a little more into it.
  1. By studying Egyptian mummies, scientists have discovered that most of them died from being tightly wrapped in cloth.
  2. Criticize if you must, but 90% of women condemned at the Salem witch trials were, in fact, witches.
  3. By law, a Keebler® Elf may be no taller than 3' 7".
  4. The Hebrew version of the Beatles song, "Hello, Goodbye" is called "Shalom, Shalom."
  5. According to the Mayan calendar, ladies drink free on Thursday.
  6. Of all the Olympic athletes, curlers get the most action.
••• Top Ten Things to Be Happy About ••• Catherine Zeta-Jones (looking amazing in a black dress) plugs her Broadway play, A Little Night Music. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: plug for the United Nations World Food Programme (www.wfp.org/lateshow) ••• Jeff Stilson does stand-up. ••• Charlotte Gainsbourg sings.

1/25/10: REPEAT FROM 1/07/10

1/26/10: REPEAT FROM 1/14/10

1/27/10: REPEAT FROM 1/12/10

1/28/10: REPEAT FROM 1/13/10

1/29/10: REPEAT FROM 1/06/10

2/01/10 [3253] [28th ANNIVERSARY ON LATE NIGHT]: New York Post photo: New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is seen giving the finger to Miami Dolphin fans. ••• monologue: Dave announces the 28th anniversary. ••• monologue: The excitement on the show is bigger now. The audience is bigger. The printing on the cue cards is huge. (shot of Tony Mendez) ••• It's the return of the screaming girls whenever Fed chairman Ben Bernanke's name is uttered. (x 2) ••• Saddam Hussein's worthless, mass-murdering first cousin, Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti (Chemical Ali), was hanged by the neck until dead on January 25. / photo: Chemical Andy (Andy Dick) / Dave wonders if it's too soon to hit on his wife, Chemical Shirley. (The guy who killed NBC was Chemical Zucker.) ••• The new Senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown, was on with Barbara Walters over the weekend. / video: the naked beach clip ••• Barack Obama's first State of the Union Address was delivered on January 27. / video: The president is seen speaking for a few seconds, then we cut to a clip of George W. Bush entering the House chamber to deliver his State of the Union Address. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Denise in the audience says her wedding anniversary is Feb. 1, and she's seen every episode of Dave in late night. She's in the audience with her sister's husband. By the way, her 28th anniversary was in November. Dave's had enough. He gives her dinner for one at 21. ••• premiere of "Tonight's Gift the Audience Will Not Be Receiving"

(pans of the audience)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "That's right, Dave. Tonight nobody in the audience will receive this new Sharp® microwave oven!"

(scrim rises to reveal two beautiful models)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "This Sharp® R230-KK is an 800-watt compact microwave oven, featuring easy-to-use autotouch controls, turntable ensures even heating (though not for anyone in the audience)! The digital display, 15 automatic settings make cooking a snap, but you folks will have to take my word for it! Suggested retail price: $99.99! Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Surprises in the $3.8 Trillion Federal Deficit ••• Bruce Willis enters in a New York Jets jersey. (The Jets won't be playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday.)
  • Bruce is excited about the Winter Olympics.
  • SPFX confetti
  • clip of Bruce on the slopes in Sarajevo, 1984 (It's an uphill battle, but his competitors are nowhere to be seen. The clip includes gunplay.)
  • Bruce demos his Amazing Exploding Underpants. (Liven up any party or dull business meeting.)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "We'll be right back with more easy-to-learn phrases for your parrot." ••• backstage cam: Bruce's post-interview evaluation with Biff Henderson ••• Ne-Yo sings.

2/02/10 [3254]: monologue: Boy, was last night's audience ever hostile. In fact, when Dave came out, the entire audience gave him the Rex Ryan salute. / picture of Rex Ryan giving the finger on the front page of the New York Post ••• monologue: There's a Burger King® in Miami where you can get beer with your Whopper™. It's nothing new, really. People have beer and a hamburger all the time. / video: David Hasselhoff, drunk, eating a hamburger off a floor ••• monologue: The season premiere of Lost aired earlier tonight. There's a promo that responds to fans' frustration. / video:

(voice-over): "The final season of Lost begins tonight. All of your questions will finally be answered, such as 'What is Jack's destiny?', 'Who is Jacob?' and these questions as well:"

(graphic): "There's a very fast scroll of dozens of additional questions.

••• Groundhog Day is the third-biggest party day of the year, so we have "Groundhog Day: Did You Know?" / video:
(clip of the groundhog men in their ridiculous hats)

(voice-over): "On February 2nd, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania is the site of one of our nation's most-beloved traditions, Groundhog Day."

(clip of a huge crowd waiting to see if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow)

(voice-over): "On February 3rd, it becomes home to our country's most shameful practice: illegal groundhog fighting."

(photo of two groundhogs in a ring... one dead)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Groundhog Day: Did You Know?' "

••• interruption: Property Master Pat Farmer shows up by the desk. He wants to talk about Academy Award nominations. Dave's a little discouraged that Pat has no idea that he has a show. ••• interruption: The camera on Dave takes a terrible hit.
(Dave, looking over at Dave Dorsett): "Are you alright?"

(Dave Dorsett, behind his Toyota-brand HD camera): "Yeah. I don't know what happened. This thing just took off on me!"

(Toyota has just recalled millions of cars with accelerator pedals that stick.)

••• Top Ten Reasons Your Film Wasn't Nominated for an Academy Award ••• John Travolta plugs From Paris with Love. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• U.S. Olympic snowboarder, Shaun White ••• Ben Harper and Relentless7 sing.

2/03/10 [3255]: interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum appears onstage. She begins pouring a white powder in a neat circle around Dave. She exclaims, "I don't want that smoke monster to get you!" Dave eventually says, "Sue, that's enough. Thanks." "Fine. Let 'em kill you," she replies. (A Google search indicates that this has something to do with the season premiere of Lost last night. Well, the whole joke's lost on me, because I've never seen the show. Is that bad?) ••• monologue: "President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe he can get them to pass health care." ••• interruption: Mr. Biff Henderson shows up during the monologue, costumed as a Minnesota Viking fan. It seems he thinks they're in the Super Bowl on Sunday. Biff has some cute yellow braids, by the way. ••• "Effects of President Obama's Spending Freeze" / video:

(voice-over): "57 million dollars saved by abandoning a proposal to turn Mount Rushmore into a singing quartet."

(Cut to Mount Rushmore, where we see George, Thomas, Teddy and Abe singing the Backstreet Boys' "I Want It That Way.")

(voice-over): "This has been 'Effects of President Obama's Spending Freeze.' "

••• "James Cameron's Technological Innovations" / video:
(graphics and theme from Patton)

(movie scenes)

(voice-over): "The Stereoscopic Fusion 3D Camera System, The Liquid Metal Morphing Effect and The Vibrating Movie Seat."

(clip of a Late Show staffer bouncing around): "Holy crap. That's awesome!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'James Cameron's Technological Innovations.' "

(This was a repeat from December 15, 2009.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Producer Brian Teta shows up behind Dave's desk. He's blue, except his eyeballs.
(Dave): "The category tonight on the Top Ten..."

(Dave looks up at a monitor.)

(Dave): "You know who that is? That's one of our producers. That's Brian Teta. Hey, Brian, what's goin' on? We're right in the middle of a show here. Can I do somethin' for you?"

(Brian): "I'm going to Avatar after the show, and wanted to see if you wanted to come with me."

(Dave): "Uh, well, you know, I'd love to see Avatar. I understand it's fantastic, but I have some other plans, so maybe another night. And you're all dressed blue. That's cool!"

(Brian): "Huh! I didn't even realize I was blue. Look at that! You know, I have a severe nut allergy."

(Dave): "Oh, oh, that's what that is! OK... well, thank you very much. Brian Teta, ladies and gentlemen."

(Brian does his terrified stare.)

(Dave): "I'm sorry, Brian, you can go now."

(Brian): "I don't want to go back there."

(Dave): "What? What's the matter?"

(Brian): "The make-up department was not happy about making them paint my entire body blue."

(Dave, muttering): "Oh. I think it will be alright."

(Brian does his hilarious sprint off the set.)

••• Top Ten Reasons I'm Not on the Show Tonight (presented by Paris Hilton, onstage) ••• Sarah Silverman plugs The Sarah Silverman Program. ••• Jeremy Renner plugs The Hurt Locker. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Stay tuned for more hilarious videos of kitties playing the piano!" ••• "Pete Fatovich's Tales of Old Hollywood" / video:
("Hooray for Hollywood" theme song)

(Pete): "I know everybody loved him, but Spencer Tracy was a prick." (censored)

("Hooray for Hollywood" theme song)

••• Nneka sings. ••• full credits

2/04/10 [3256]: Toyota has recalled millions of cars. Some competing car companies are taking advantage. / video:

(voice-over): "Toyota is recalling over eight million vehicles for gas pedal-related issues, with more still to be recalled for braking problems. In light of this announcement, and to show how committed we are to remaining competitive with industry leader Toyota, effective immediately, Chrysler is removing the brakes from every one of our cars. A message from Chrysler."
••• Rip Torn, equally well-known as Patches O'Houlihan, got so drunk over the weekend that he broke into a Connecticut bank which he thought was his home. / video: It's a highly-intoxicated David Hasselhoff, eating a hamburger off a floor. ••• interruption: A young guy, probably an intern, approaches Dave during the monologue to ask if he'd like to place a wager on the Super Bowl. Dave puts $10 in the pool. The dude has to ask Dave his name. ••• monologue:
(Dave): "There's a new Osama bin Laden video. (What's he doing, working at Blockbuster?) There's always a new Osama bin Laden video. In this one he's worrying about global warming. Osama bin Laden: very conscientious fellow. And he's blaming the United States for global warming, and I just thought to myself, 'Well, you know, wait a minute! This guy thinks it's warm now, wait 'til he gets to hell!' "
••• Scott Brown was sworn in today as the new Senator from Massachusetts. He's a former go-go boy and naked model. / video:
(C-SPAN video): "Ms. Boxer of California. Ms. Boxer votes yes. Mr. Brown of Massachusetts. Mr. Brown votes no. Mr. Brown, would you kindly put your pants back on? Mr. Schumer of New York. Mr. Schumer votes yes. Mr. Schumer, would you kindly put your pants back on? Mr. Brownback of Kansas..."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "A Brief History of the New Orleans Saints" / video:
(voice-over): "Many people believe the New Orleans Saints' name comes from the jazz standard, 'When the Saints Go Marching In,' but in reality, their name is a tribute to Saint Thomas Aquinas, who invented the vaunted Cover 2 defense. This has been 'A Brief History of the New Orleans Saints.' "
••• CBS wants younger people to watch the Late Show. Tonight, in an attempt to lure in the kiddies, we have Cartoon Dave, who appears on top of Dave's desk to tell a New York City rat joke. Dave repeatedly squishes Cartoon Dave with the bottom of the desk microphone. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Scott Brown's First Day in the Senate ••• Dave squishes Cartoon Dave a few more times. ••• Jamie Foxx plugs Valentine's Day. ••• Amanda Seyfried plugs Dear John. ••• Robin Thicke (Alan's kid) (with special guest Nicki Minaj) sings.

2/05/10 [3257]: monologue: Now in Miami you can get beer at a Burger King™, which is a fine excuse to once again air the tape of David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off a floor in May 2007. ••• We've been treated to yet another video from that worthless Osama bin Laden. / video:

(Osama): "Jay, we've got you back where we want you: at 11:35. Death to America, and death to Zucker."
••• monologue: "A guy who's going on a flight decides to take 44 lizards along in his underpants. He makes it through security. A bomb in your underpants?" (Oops. Tony Mendez flipped the cue card before Dave read the punch line. We have a cue card do-over.) "Bomb in your underpants? No problem!" ••• Saddam Hussein's worthless, mass-murdering first cousin, Ali Hassan Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti (Chemical Ali), was hanged by the neck until dead on January 25. He was sentenced to death four times. They have a weird judicial system in Iraq. / video:
(voice-over): "Chemical Ali has been executed. His crimes were so heinous that he was actually given four death sentences, so that means we get to kill him three more times!"

(Roll clips of the executions to follow.)

(voice-over): "February 8th, we'll set him on fire. February 12th, we'll blow him up. And then on Valentine's Day, we'll feed him to a snake. The Many Deaths of Chemical Ali: A Ron Delsener Production."

••• We get the 2010 census forms this year. The Census Bureau has a promotional announcment. / video:
(voice-over): "The 2010 U.S. census is underway. It's easy to participate.
  • Fill out the 74-page form that you'll receive in the mail. Do not omit any sections, or it won't be counted.
  • Bring your completed form to the nearest of five regional Census Registration Centers.
  • Get in the line for your state.
  • Within a few hours,
    • a Census worker will review your form with you,
    • assign you a 12-digit case number, and
    • tell you what documentation to bring with you to your hearing at Census Bureau headquarters in Maryland.
  • Be sure to clearly mark yourself with your case number on the day of your hearing.
A panel of Census officials will check your documentation, and if everything's in order, you will then be counted and given your 2010 population number.
  • Subtract your population number from your case number to get your personal exit code, that will allow you to leave the building.
  • That's it. You're done!
The U.S. Census Bureau. It's so advanced, it's simple."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the Indiana connection in the Super Bowl. ••• desk chat: Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, and then Paul Shaffer's We'll Be Here For the Rest of Our Lives: A Swingin' Show-biz Saga. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Coach Before the Super Bowl ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has a fine collection of critters, including a baby black bear, a baby anteater, an owl monkey and a tapir. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Good news! I'm no longer on parole!" ••• more Jack Hanna: a baby black-footed penguin ••• The Swell Season sing.

2/08/10 [3258]: interruption: Biff Henderson strolls onstage during the monologue. He wants to know if Jay Leno's still there. Biff has missed his chance to give Jay a hilarious headline. ••• outside cam: We're in on the unveiling of the billboard on 53rd Street of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit model cover. Wait. Oh, no. The model is Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, and he's nekkid! ••• OK... now we have this straightened out. / outside cam: The swimsuit model on Sports Illustrated is Brooklyn Decker. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Drew Brees hasn't arrived. He's stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel. ••• desk chat: Dave tells the story of producing the surprise Super Bowl XLIV ad with him, Oprah and Jay Leno, and he thanks the actors who played those celebrities in the 18-second ad. Oh, Dave's just goofing around. It was really Jay and Oprah, and Jay wore a disguise to sneak into the Ed. ••• "David Letterman's Network Time Killer": Dave plays catch with a football with the horn section, and with Sandra Bullock, who sneaks out early. ••• Top Ten Indianapolis Colts Excuses ••• "David Letterman's Network Time Killer": Dave now plays catch with writer Bill Scheft. ••• news clip: Another staffer playing catch killed much more time than intended. Dave shows tape of Biff running toward the audience to catch a pass. He trips on the steps of the stage, and has to be taken to a hospital in an ambulance. Biff reportedly was treated and released from the hospital. ••• Super Bowl XLIV MVP Drew Brees interview (and playing a little catch, of course) ••• green room cam: It's Drew's lovely wife and young son. ••• Sandra Bullock plugs The Blind Side in multiple segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Join us again tomorrow..." ••• more Sandra Bullock ••• Dave announces that Josh Turner was bumped.

2/09/10 [3259]: monologue: Dave claims he has his jokes written on his hand, since Sarah Palin was caught with writing on her hand the other day. / phony close-up: "Lenscrafters. Clean rifle. Look at Russia." ••• monologue: Washington, D. C. has received two feet of snow, with more heavy snow on the way. / Photoshop fun: Abraham Lincoln's statue left work early to beat the traffic. ••• Coyotes are being spotted in Manhattan. / hilarious animation: That thing on Donald Trump's head is howling at the moon! ••• While Washington, D. C. is buried in snow, Vancouver, British Columbia (home of the Winter Olympics) isn't getting any. There is a back-up plan. / video:

(voice-over): "Vancouver isn't getting any snow, so the 2010 Winter Olympics are moving to a city that's getting another 12 to 18 inches this week: Washinton, D. C. Now you can look forward to exciting events like this."

(animation of an idiot ski jumping off the Capitol dome)

(audio): blood-curdling scream

(voice-over): "The 2010 Winter Olympics. Washinton, D. C.: We got your snow."

••• The Tea Party group had a convention in Nashville. Sarah Palin was the keynote speaker. She received $100,000 in pelts. / video:
(video from the convention)

(voice-over): "The Tea Party movement preaches fiscal conservatism, yet they paid Sarah Palin $100,000 to give a speech. So what did they get for their $100,000?"

(C-SPAN video of Palin): "If you can't ride two horses at once, you shouldn't be in the circus."

(voice-over): "Palin. Worth every penny."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Late Show had gone injury free for years and years. Yesterday, camera man Steve Kaufman slipped and fell backstage, hit his chin and needed 24 stitches. An ambulance came. While Steve was being taken care of, Biff Henderson went out for a football pass, since Drew Brees was late in arriving. He tripped on the stage steps and partially tore a tendon. / video of Biff on a gurney outside, on the way to "St. Luke's Roosevelt Hotel" ••• [Andy Kindler comes out to set up "Andy Kindler at Super Bowl XLIV." We see Andy with various fans and tailgaiters, Deion "Prime Time" Sanders, Mike "The Situation" and Pauly D of Jersey Shore, Emmitt Smith, Queen Latifah, Rob Lowe, Carrie Underwood, field judge Rob Vernatchi (almost), Lennox Lewis, Kim Kardashian, Pete Townshend, Reggie Bush (not even close), Jonathan Goodwin, Demario Pressley, Marvin Mitchell and a speech by Sedrick Ellis.] ••• Jennifer Garner plugs Valentine's Day. ••• 2010 Sports Illustrated cover model Brooklyn Decker ••• Sade sings. ••• Michael Z. McIntee voices over "Ferguson" when Dave does his usual sign-off. I'm no lip reader, but it looked like Dave forgot and said "Craig Kilborn is next."

2/10/10 [3260]: opening montage: In response to a big snowfall in New York, the opening montage has snow all over. Every bumper tonight includes an outside shot of snow falling. ••• Dave wanted to enter the stage behind a team of Husky dogs, but they couldn't pull it off. Instead we're treated to an outside cam view of a courageous entrance from 53rd Street by a stage manager. (missed his name) ••• monologue: The kind of snow we're having can really be hard on animals and pets. / video: That thing on Donald Trump's head shakes off all the snow (like a doggie does). ••• There's been a lot of discussion over the discovery that Sarah Palin had written some thoughts for a speech on her hand. / Photoshop fun: "Hitch dogsled. Buy Chapstick™. Clean rifle." ••• "Snowmageddon or Snowpocalypse?" / video: Anchors and reporters from parts unknown (and the President of the United States) use their favorite nickname for the heavy snowfall being dumped on New York. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave thanks the brave audience members who showed up. ••• Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Survivor (presented onstage by 10 veteran castaways from Survivor: Heroes and Villains, which begins tomorrow) / (Presenters include Jerri Manthey, Russell Hantz, Stephenie LaGrossa, Parvati Shallow, Rob Mariano, Tom Westman, Cirie Fields, James "JT" Thomas, Jr., Colby Donaldson and Rupert Boneham.) ••• misbehavior: Dave throws a bunch of snowballs at the backdrop. ••• Jessica Biel tells us about growing up in the snow in Boulder, Colorado, and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Her appearance is marked by fake snowfall, Darlene Love style. Jessica eventually gets the chance to plug Valentine's Day. ••• Christoph Waltz plugs Inglourious Basterds. ••• Josh Turner sings.

2/11/10 [3261]: interruption: Gene Szymanski shows up with one of those little spreaders you use for fertilizer, or in this case, salt. In a take-off of Sue Hum's Lost stunt from Feb. 3, he makes a circle of salt around our host.

(Dave): "Gene. Gene, what are you doin'?"

(Gene): "There's a lot of ice from the big blizzard."

(Dave): "I know. But, maybe you ought to concentrate on the sidewalks."

(Gene):"Look... you stick to what you know... whatever that is."

(Gene makes his way offstage.)

(The segment looks cool if you back up the videotape. It's like a salt circle eraser.)

••• Today is the fourth anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting his friend, Harry Whittington, in the face on a hunting trip. Dave reminds us that Cheney did the right thing. He tied the guy to his roof and drove him back to his house. / Photoshop fun: We see Mr. Whittington's head above a fireplace, like a moose in a lodge. ••• Sarah Palin wrote some thoughts for a speech on her hand the other day. She has new notes for today's activities. / Photoshop fun: "1. Blow out candles. 2. Eat cake. 3. Clean rifle." ••• There's lots of talk about enrichment of nuclear material in Iran. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has issued a clarification. / video:
(photo of a missile)

(voice-over by the guy who does Osama): "Recently there have been reports that Iran has gone nuclear. However, this is a misunderstanding. What Mahmoud Ahmadinejad actually announced is that Iran has gone NU-CLEAR™: the amazing new cleaner that gets your windows crystal clear, without streaks. Use NU-CLEAR™ on all your windows, in your home, your car, your boat... even your uranium enrichment facility. NU-CLEAR™. Available at Rite Aid, Walgreen's and Caldor."

(clip of Armageddon)

••• Toyota has recalled about four million cars, because when you step on the accelerator, it doesn't come back up. The car takes off like a rocket! Toyota has an announcement about how they're solving the problem. / video:
(clip of that funny-looking Toyota logo on a building)

(voice-over): "Toyota is deeply sorry for the problems that have been discovered in both the accelerators and brakes of our cars. That's why we're asking customers to bring your Toyotas to your local dealership for a simple modification that's guaranteed to keep your car from speeding out of control."

(clip of a Toyota trudging down a highway with square wheels)

(voice-over): "Toyota. It's Japanese for 'Toyota.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: snow / Dave claims that the diminutive Mayor Bloomberg may have been carried off by a coyote. ••• medical emergency: Dave announces that, "A big wad of spit came flyin' out of my mouth." Touchdown! ••• interruption: A young male staffer wants to know if tonight's show will be canceled. Dave informs him that the show is on. He's disappointed, as in his opinion the show blows. ••• Benicio Del Toro presents the Top Ten Surprises in "The Wolfman." ••• Regis and Joy Philbin interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan Kalter says, "Hey, ladies. Big Red is still available to be your Valentine." ••• Elizabeth Banks plugs 30 Rock. ••• Regis and Joy Philbin sing Burt Bacharach's "This Guy's in Love with You."

2/12/10 [3262]: Republicans got Valentine's candy for Barack Obama. / photo: They're little hearts with "YOU LIE" and "NOT TRUE." ••• It's dog show time in New York City. How do we know? / animation: It's Donald Trump's hair, barking. ••• Super Bowl commercials are wildly expensive, so two companies went together to split the cost. / video:

(photos of old people)

(male voice-over): "Are you looking for a snack chip that unlocks the bold and unique flavors you crave?"

(female voice-over): "...and a medication that allows you to be ready anytime the mood is right?"

(male voice-over): "Then try Doritos..."

(female voice-over): "...and Cialis,"

(male voice-over): "...America's number-one choices for spicing up snack time..."

(female voice-over): "...and bedtime."

(female voice-over): "Consult a physician if you experience blurred vision..."

(male voice-over): "...zestiness,"

(female voice-over): "...shortness of breath,"

(male voice-over): "...Nacho cheesiness,"

(female voice-over): "...headache,"

(male voice-over): "...or a crunchtastic sensation..."

(female voice-over): "...that lasts longer than four hours."

(male voice-over): "Doritos..."

(female voice-over): "...and Cialis."

(male voice-over): "Crunch..."

(female voice-over): "...and fornicate..."

(male voice-over): "...all you want. We'll make more!"

••• Dave wouldn't give Toyota's troubles to a monkey on a rock. Toyota has a commercial to address their recall of four million cars. / video:
(voice-over): "Toyota is committed to building top-quality products. We're working hard to resolve our current issues, so we can regain your trust."

(animation): An "O" from Toyota lettering on the side of their headquarters falls smack onto the roof of a car parked below. The vehicle bursts into flames, and is presumably destroyed.

(voice-over): "A message from Toyota."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Late Show Olympic Fun Facts" / Dave shows the Late Show Fun Facts book, which Gaines reports is now $7.89 from Amazon.
  • It's impossible not to feel like an idiot when saying the word slalom.
  • glass-breaking FX: "You are under my power."
  • Due to a puck shortage, the 1984 hockey events used chicken pot pies.
  • Brooms are used in the events curling and tidying.
  • Yo momma's so fat, when she competes in the luge, they call it the huge.
  • Al Gore predicts there will be no more Winter Olympics by the year 2018.
  • glass-breaking FX: "You are under my power."
  • There used to be six Olympic rings, but one was bought by Kobe Bryant to give to his wife.
••• Top Ten Money-Saving Valentine's Day Tips ••• Jeff Bridges plugs Crazy Heart. (Did you know his dad was Mike Nelson?) ••• outside cam: a shot of the marquee ••• interruption: A young guy approaches to ask Dave how much longer he's going to keep doing this (doodoo). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan Kalter says, "I wish you could smell how minty fresh my breath is." ••• Joe Wong does stand-up. ••• The Soft Pack sing.

2/15/10 [3263]: It's time again for the Westminster Kennel Club show in Madison Square Garden. There was trouble at the show yesterday. / video:

(clips): Cute doggies are going through their paces when out of nowhere, a wolfman appears and starts messin' people up. Maybe it's from the current movie. I don't know. I didn't see it.
••• There's a big feud going on between Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, as each of them is showing up on news programs. It's petty stuff. When Joe Biden moved in, he closed Cheney's dungeon in the White House. / Cue Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," and the blood-curdling scream by Will Lee (which we hadn't heard since Dec. 16). ••• Joe Biden was on Face the Nation yesterday, which brings us to "Congested Politician of the Night." / video: It's an edited montage of the vice-president's coughs and wheezes. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the death of 21-year-old luge racer, Nodar Kumaritashvili, of Georgia. He says, "Don't blame the kid." ••• Building Engineer George Clarke and Head Stagehand Pat Farmer are in the lobby to race elevators to 11th floor. "What's the trick?" Dave inquires. "Hit the right button," George explains. A camera's waiting on the 11th floor. George comes screaming out of his elevator, and is first to hit a call bell on a receptionist's counter. / replay / models with the medal presentation / "It's stupid, isn't it," Dave observes. ••• desk chat: One week ago today, while everyone was waiting for Super Bowl MVP Drew Brees to arrive, Biff Henderson went out for a pass, fell on the stage steps and ruptured a quadriceps tendon. He had an operation on Friday, and is out for about six weeks. Get well soon, Biff. ••• Top Ten Things George Washington Would Say if He Were Alive Today / #9. "If you think Regis is crazy now, you should have seen him in college!" ••• Tracy Morgan plugs Cop Out. I tuned him out very quickly. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Daytona 500 winner Jamie McMurray ••• Fanfarlo sing.

2/16/10 [3264]: Kim Jong-Il is 68 years old today. What should you give him for a gift? You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses. / photo of the no-good dictator wearing an especially rad pair ••• monologue: Dave complains that NBC's being stingy with footage of Bode Miller winning the bronze in the Winter Olympics in downhill skiing yesterday. / "Late Show Winter Olympic Highlight" (about ½ second of the event) ••• "Stormwatch 2010 Recap" / video: It's clips of a bunch of anchors and meteorologists making jokes and puns with the word snow. / video:

  • "Say it ain't snow."
  • "Snow more."
  • "Snow news is good news."
  • "Snow kidding."
  • "Snow joke."
  • "Snow way."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Stupid Pet Tricks" /
  1. Noriko Aso and her Shetland sheep dog, Misha, are from Gardena, California. Misha blows bubbles in a water dish.
  2. Sandy Mason and her Maltese, Ava, are from Nashville, via Pittsburgh. Dave's extremely excited, because we have a talking dog, ladies and gentlemen. Ava's supposed to say "I love you." She never quite gets there.
  3. Dawn Goehring and her rat terrior, Iki, are from Tennessee. Iki jumps rope with Dawn.
(I swiped the correct spelling of a couple of names from the Wahoo Gazette.) ••• Sir Ben Kingsley plugs Shutter Island. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mary J. Blige sings, and has a brief visit with Dave.

2/17/10 [3265]: The snow brings out the best in everybody. / animation: Jay Leno's out on a little jalopy snow plow, doing his neighbors' driveways. ••• Dave wants to talk about Olympic men's figure skating. It takes incredible athletic ability, but why do they all have to look like Edward Scissorhands? / video: Alan Kalter's wearing one of those gaudy outfits as he awaits his figure skating score. Oops. Plushenko is first, at 90.85. Takahashi is second at 90.25, and Alan is in third place at 84.63. Better luck next time, Big Red! ••• Sadie, a Scottish terrier, won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show yesterday. She celebrated all night. / photo: It's Nick Nolte's booking, from September 2002. ••• King Tut died 3,000 years ago. Some experts are taking another look at his carcass. If he were still alive today, this is what he'd look like: (Nick Nolte's booking photo) ••• Kim Jong-Il celebrated his birthday yesterday by seeing Avatar with his friends. / Photoshop fun: It's the no-good dictator wearing his rad sunglasses, alongside a theater audience wearing 3-D glasses. ••• Our pals at NBC are being stingy with footage of the Winter Olympics, but Dave managed to get something, at least. / "Late Show Winter Olympics Highlight" / video: (about ½ second of last night's figure skating) ••• There was an online poll to name America's favorite pretend president. We have "America's Favorite Fake Presidents." / video:

(Cue pretentious music.)

(Cue movie clips.)

(voice-over): "Thirty-eight percent rated Harrison Ford as their favorite fake president. Twenty-one percent said Michael Douglas, and 13% said their favorite fake president was George W. Bush. This has been 'America's Favorite Fake Presidents.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Senator Evan Bayh has announced that he will not seek re-election. / video:
(voice-over): "Democratic Senator Evan Bayh has announced that he won't seek re-election. Now Indiana voters must decide which naked male model should replace him. Cast your vote at cosmopolitan.com. One lucky voter will receive a romantic beach getaway with the winner. The U. S. Senate: Nothing runs like a Deere."
••• A team of assassins used disguises to sneak into a hotel in Dubai to kill a terrorist. / security camera video, via CNN:
(voice-over): "Minute-by-minute, this is the lead-up to the assassination of one of the founding members of Hamas, all captured on a Dubai hotel's security cameras. Wanted for questioning are 10 men and one woman, including the two assassins disguised as tennis players, who boarded this elevator, and this odd hotel guest, who was riding a second elevator."

(video of Dave in a Late Show jacket, mugging for the security camera)

(voice-over): "Unfortunately, their identities may never be known."

(CNN graphic)

••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Curling ••• Ewan McGregor plugs The Ghost Writer. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Abby Elliott plugs Saturday Night Live. She has amusing anecdotes about our old friend, Chris Elliott. For example, we learn that Abby was conceived in a Sheraton hotel after the Emmy Awards in September of 1986. Dave announced Abby's birth on Late Night with David Letterman on June 17, 1987, one day after the big event. Dave wonders if Chris might be somewhat of a stage dad. We don't have to guess very long. / green room cam: It's Chris Elliott himself, hanging on every word Abby has for Dave. Also in the green room is Ewan McGregor. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mumford & Sons sing.

2/18/10 [3266]: monologue: Dave takes a moment to recognize two members of the USA 2-man bobsled team. ••• interruption: "Excuse me," someone says off camera, over and over. Dave eventually notices. A camera finds two other distinguished men in the audience, wearing matching USA jackets. When called upon, one of them says, "We're the 2-man bobsled team." Ummm, no, they're not. They're none other than Creative Directors, Digital Media Jay Johnson and Walter Kim of Late Show with David Letterman. ••• monologue:

Dave: "Yeah, so Toyota owners now complaining that they (have) no brakes, no brakes, no steering while driving, you hit the accelerator and the thing takes off like a bat outta hell. Toyota's official response said, 'Well, that's what the horn's for.' "
••• MLB spring training has begun. Guess what! The New York Mets have signed Muntadar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi wise guy who threw shoes at George W. Bush. / video ••• monologue:
"Big news tomorrow from the world of sports: Tiger Woods making a televised public apology. Televised public apology tomorrow. He needs three more to tie my record."
••• Tiger's announcement is going to be at the PGA headquarters in Florida. We have live video of Tiger driving to PGA Headquarters. / via CBS satellite: It's one of Shecky's car wreck clips. (I'm not sure if the car or the tree was the winner.) ••• The Dalai Lama visited the White House today, and we have "Presidential Update." / video:
(intro music and clips)

(voice-over): "Today President Barack Obama met with exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, to discuss global issues. Meanwhile, in Texas, George W. Bush got stuck in the garage door."

(photo of our former president being squished something awful by a two-car garage door)

(voice-over): "This has been a 'Presidential Update.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam to 53rd Street: We see a 1994 Lincoln Mark VIII parked on the sidewalk next to the Ed Sullivan Theater, minding its own business. (I played dead on that very sidewalk for a Tony Mendez Show episode on June 14, 2007.) Head Stagehand Pat Farmer and Tommy O'Brien are on the roof, up 90 feet. (Remember when Tommy O'Brien played the Late Show Bear?) (By the way, in one shot we see an ambulance parked just down the street, just in case.) The Lincoln is $2,500 worth of automobile. / Weather Report: 39° F, humidity: 59%, barometer: 29.61 (steady), wind: NW 14 MPH, visibility: 10 miles / Pat drops a 44-pound curling stone just right on the sun roof. The stone breaks the sun roof and bounces off, rolling down the hood. Pat drops another stone, and this one goes perfectly through the sun roof. / After commercial: We have a couple of takes from inside the Lincoln. / Pat drops a bowling ball on the windshield (bullseye!) and the rear window (close enough), as the CBSO plays "Great Balls of Fire." Isn't Sweeps Month just the best!? ••• Scarlett Johansson plugs her Broadway play, Arthur Miller's A View from the Bridge. ••• Keith Olbermann ••• Daniel Merriweather sings.

2/19/10 [3267]: "Dave and Jay: A Comparison" / video:

(clips of Leno driving antique cars)

(voice-over): "Every day, Jay Leno drives to work in a different classic car, from his collection of more than 100 of the world's finest vehicles."

(voice-over): "Meanwhile, David Letterman drives to work in this."

(clip from 12/17/09 of Dave motoring around the Late Show set in the $25,000 Customized Cupcake Car from Nieman Marcus)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

••• Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Joe Biden removed Dick Cheney's dungeon at the White House. (Cue Will Lee with the blood-curdling scream.) ••• photo: Dick Cheney as the evil doctor from Shutter Island. / (Will Lee screaming again) ••• Some Winter Olympics athletes have been kicked out for drug use, which brings us to "2010 Olympics Disqualifications." / video:
(Olympics clips)

(voice-over): "Two members of the Russian bobsled team have been disqualified after testing positive for steroids. One German speed skater has been disqualified for the stimulant pseudoephedrine, and one member of the Swiss ski team has been disqualified for murder."

(movie clip of a ski slope murder)

••• Wolfman, with Benicio Del Toro, opened last weekend. A sequel is already being planned. / video:
(Wolfman clips)

(voice-over): "The wolfman is gone, but when the full moon rises, a new and even more terrifying beast stalks villagers in the night."

(clip of Howie Mandel as Wolfmandel, with eyes changing color and growing fangs, of course)

(voice-over): "Wolfmandel. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "The 2010 Late Show Winter Games" / Tonight it's Speed Dialing with Rupert Jee at Hello Deli and receptionist Art Kelly upstairs. Each will try to be the first to dial Dave's desk phone. (Dave's gimmick dial phone has been replaced with a real Touch Tone phone for tonight.) / Rupert wins, with an elapsed time of :08! The control room calls it :10. A model brings in a gold medal for Rupert. ••• "Fun Facts" /
  • Velcro™ was invented in 1941.
  • The actual name of the big toe is the hallux.
  • Stephen King accidentally wrote the same book twice.
  • Replace toner cartridge soon.
  • Gerald Ford is the only man to have served as president of the United States and the Soupy Sales Fan Club.
  • (five rejected facts tonight)
  • To save time, Andy Dick now walks around with a mugshot number hanging from his neck.
••• upstairs cam: Rupert's now on the 12th floor at Art's desk. Dave makes him pretend to take a call. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win an Olympic Gold Medal ••• Hello Deli cam: Art Kelly's now at Rupert's post next door (but he doesn't know how to cook.) ••• more Top Ten entries ••• Nicole Richie plugs her fashion collection, and announces her engagement. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he's decided to count and name the floaters in his eyes. ••• Dave prank calls Rupert upstairs. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Papa does stand-up. ••• Tom Papa sits down with Dave for a bit. ••• with short credits: shots of Rupert Jee and Art Kelly

2/22/10: REPEAT FROM 2/02/10

2/23/10: REPEAT FROM 2/04/10

2/24/10: REPEAT FROM 2/01/10

2/25/10: REPEAT FROM 2/08/10

2/26/10: REPEAT FROM 1/21/10

3/01/10 [3268]: interruption: Gene Szymanski strolls onstage with a CO2 fire extinguisher. He's ready for action, because Dave is on fire tonight. ••• Yesterday was the gold medal Olympic hockey match between the United States and Canada. The Canadians won the gold. Dave complains that the rat bastards at NBC won't give him any footage. No problem. The Late Show has "Olympic Highlight Simulation." / video: Animated stick figures demonstrate the exciting final goal. ••• Sarah Palin appeared on Hannity, which brings us to "Is It a Satellite Delay?" / video:

(theme music)

(split screen of Sean Hannity and Sarah Palin, via satellite)

(Hannity): "Governor, it looks like a winter wonderland. How cold is it there?"

(4.53-second delay)

(Palin): "It's about 20 degrees."

(Hannity): "Do you think today went a long way perhaps reassuring that base that they're back to their conservative values?"

(4.36-second delay)

(Palin): "I really think so."

(Hannity): "We appreciate your being with us, and thank you for joining us."

(4.5-second delay)

(Palin): "Hey, thanks so much. Anytime, Sean."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to comment on the Winter Olympics. It's not much more than a lot of athletes applying Chapstick®. Dave's a little irritated over the hockey loss yesterday. He proposes that the United States of America should take over Canada. Uh oh. We saw this coming down Broadway. Dave begins singing "O Canada," the Canadian national anthem. Clearly there wasn't much time to rehearse.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love, in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land, glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
••• Top Ten Signs You Have Winter Olympics Withdrawal ••• interruption: Gene Szymanski gives Dave the Richard Simmons treatment once again. ••• Bill Murray, the very first guest on Late Night and the Late Show, is Dave's first guest in the late night wars. He hobbles out on crutches, all bundled up in a heavy coat. Bill claims that he crashed and burned in the Olympics, and he has the phony footage to prove it! Dave worries that Bill should elevate his left leg, since his knee was 'scoped recently, so a sling is lowered from the rafters for our brave guest. (In truth, he injured his knee skiing at Sundance in January.) Bill eventually reveals that there's truth to the tale that there will be a Ghostbusters 3. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• green room cam: Team Canada hockey players Sidney Crosby and Zach Parise (or whoever is playing them) get into quite a brawl downstairs in the green room. ••• Ludacris sings.

3/02/10 [3269]: interruption: Executive Producer Jude Brennan, as a civilian, shows up unexpectedly. She upstages Dave and goes right to the camera.

(Jude, sternly): "Put it out. Put it out right now!"

(Dave): "I'm...I'm sorry. What... what are you doing?"

(Jude): "I'm trying to help President Obama quit smoking."

(Dave): "Oh."

••• "CBS AFFILIATE DOS AND DON'Ts" / video:
(old-time, peppy intro music)

(DO from KPSP 2): "Thanks so much for joining us. Stay tuned for the Late Show with David Letterman.

(DON'T from Alan Marsden of KHSL, Chico, California): "Right after this newscast, you'll see an old face in a familiar place. Jay Leno..."

("No" buzzer)

••• "Olympic Highlight Simulation" / video: stick animation of Evan Lysacek winning gold ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• We've all heard about the troubles and recalls with Toyota cars that run away. President and CEO Akio Toyoda is onstage to address the American public.
(Toyoda, translated from Japanese): "I am Akio Toyoda of Toyota Motor Corporation. As a man who loves cars, particularly Toyota cars, I come before you today ashamed of the shortcomings that have led to our recent recalls. I am deeply sorry."

(bows deeply)

(Toyoda, yelling): "I am sick and tired of apologizing to the United States of America."

(Toyoda, pointing to Dave): "And you. You killed Conan. I want an airbag to explode and kill you! Good night."

••• via satellite from Los Angeles: Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek presents the Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Evan Lysacek's Mind During His Gold Medal Ice Skating Routine. ••• Mitt Romney ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The beautiful and charming Mia Wasikowska plugs Alice in Wonderland.

3/03/10 [3270]: The FAA is not pleased. On both Feb. 16 and 17, a tower air traffic controller at JFK International brought his kids past security, and they were heard passing on landing and departure instructions. / audio from Feb. 17:

(Pilot): "403 clear for takeoff. Thank you very much, and have a great day."

(Cat): "Meow."

(Pilot): "Cleared for takeoff. JetBlue 171.

(Cat): "Meow, meow."

(Pilot): "Contact departure Aeromexico 403. Adios."

(Cat): "Meow."

••• interruption: Our friend Alan Kalter is all beat up. Big Red's handsome face is wrecked. His tie is off to the side. When Dave checks with him, Alan explains, "I was walking down the street and accidentally made eye contact with Naomi Campbell." ••• The main runway of JFK International Airport will be shut down for four months. There's a solution, so it will all be fine. / animation: We see three heavy jets stacked on top of each other on their takeoff roll. They rotate, separate from each other and are on their way into the wild blue yonder. ••• New York Governor Eliot Spitzer left office when it was learned that he enjoyed whores. Now various media are reporting "sexcapades" involving Governor David Paterson. The state government has put out a special announcement. / video:
(clip of Eliot Spitzer and his long-suffering wife)

(voice-over): "Two years ago, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned amid scandal."

(clip of David Paterson)

(voice-over): "Now Governor David Paterson may also be stepping down. To escape from obvious turmoil clouding the office, New York has decided to go without any state government whatsoever."

(clip of anarchy, arson and rioting)

(voice-over): "So come to New York, and go nuts! New York: King of Beers."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Barbara Walters presents the Top Ten Reasons Barbara Walters Won't Be Doing Any More Academy Awards Specials. ••• Jerry Seinfeld does stand-up and visits with Dave to plug his new show, The Marriage Ref. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Brokaw

3/04/10 [3271]: The FAA's all worked up about kids directing air traffic at JFK International in February. Meanwhile, we have a little guy running the city. / Photoshop fun: It's 5' 5" mayor Michael Bloomberg by a fire plug, and about four inches taller. ••• Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland will open tomorrow. We have a picture of two of the characters, Tweedledee and Tweedledum. / photo: Hmm. Looks more like Dick Cheney and George W. Bush to me. ••• The Today show is featuring TV show reunions this week. / video:

(voice-over): "If you've enjoyed Today's cast reunions of classic television programs like Eight Is Enough,"

(photos of the casts)

(voice-over): "...The Partridge Family and 227, tune in Friday for a very special event: the long-awaited reunion of the cast of Bonanza.

(photo of skeletons in Western shirts and/or vests)

(voice-over): "Tomorrow on Today."

••• We have the big premiere of Alice in Wonderland tomorrow. / video:
(clips from the movie)

(voice-over): "From Walt Disney Pictures comes the tale of a hallucinating woman who spends her days seeing odds shapes and colors, and imagining she's talking to magical forest dwellers."

(clip of Paula Abdul): "Is that what it is?" I was wondering 'What is that?' "

(voice-over): "The Paula Abdul Story. In theaters everywhere tomorrow."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows the gold medal winning U.S. men's Olympic bobsled team on the cover of Sports Illustrated. ••• desk chat: We have West Point cadets in the audience tonight. Dave has Eddie Brill deliver Worldwide Pants Incorporated coins to each of them. (Eddie almost crashes and burns on the stage steps, just like Biff did.) Dave shows a West Point coin he received from one of them. ••• The gold medal-winning members of the U.S. men's bobsled team (brakeman Curt Tomasevicz, driver Steven Holcomb, push athlete Steve Mesler and push athlete Justin Olsen) present the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy in Your Bobsled. ••• Tom Hanks plugs The Pacific. ••• video: "Biff Visits a Movie Set" (Cop Out, with Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis) ••• Spoon sing.

3/05/10 [3272]: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland opened tonight. Dave says, "Wait 'til you see the Mad Hatter, with the clown face and the orange hair. It's crazy. You're not going to believe." (shot of Alan Kalter, Big Red himself, looking displeased) "No, wait a minute... no." ••• Dave saw an advance copy of the movie. He brings up the tea party scene, where everyone's all wacky and nutty. Here it is. / video:

(Fox News clip of Sarah Palin): "How's that hokey stuff working out for you?"
••• interruption: "Todd" (Todd Seda) shows up during the monologue.
(Todd): "Excuse me."

(Dave, startled): "Oh, my God! Yikes! Yeah, what can I do for you?"

(Todd): "Did you get an invitation to my Academy Awards party for Sunday night?"

(Dave): "Uh... you're Todd, right?

(Todd): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Yeah. Uh, no, I don't think I did."

(Todd): "OK. Good. Just making sure."

••• announcement: Dave would like to mention that this is his 14th straight year of not hosting the Academy Awards. ••• In the Moscow Zoo, many of the chimpanzees, organgutans and great apes are addicted to alcohol and tobacco. They've opened a rehab center for the addicted monkeys. That's good, but Dave hates it when somebody finds out about something like that and decides to commercialize on it to make a little moolah. Look at this. / video:
(scene from a bar)

(voice-over): "Drug and alcohol addiction is a disease that touches everyone."

(clip of Dr. Drew Pinsky)

(voice-over): "One man has made it his mission to help. Now, a new group of troubled, washed-up former stars is checking into Dr. Drew's Pasadena Recovery Center."

(movie clips of monkeys, chimps and apes)

(voice-over): "Hard-partying ex-circus stars Stanley and Ronnie; Jack, the Vicodin-popping hockey prodigy; Dodger, the once-promising actor whose life spiraled out of control; and Sam, the stage star who's still in an extreme state of denial."

(clip of Sam making Bronx cheers into a phone)

(voice-over): "Dr. Drew's Celebrity Monkey Rehab: Only on VH-1."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave mentions that "Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra" has been added to the marquee. ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about parenthood and Harry for a bit. He first takes us back to Harry getting a train set for Christmas, which included the liquid to make the locomotive smoke. A couple of weeks ago, Harry got an earache. The doctor said it wasn't an infection... just a little inflammation, and Dave came home with some ear drops. (The audience starts giggling. They know what's coming.) Yup. Sure enough, Dave got up in the middle of the night and squeezed the ear drops into the electric train! ••• outside cam: a shot of Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra on the marquee ••• Dave's seen holding a "Fun Facts" envelope before commercial, but they're saved for another day. He mentioned a Top Ten, but maybe we'll get it next week. ••• Matt Damon plugs The Green Zone, opening March 12. ••• Danny Bhoy does stand-up. ••• Corinne Bailey Rae sings. ••• edited out: Top Ten Changes to the 2010 Academy Awards

3/08/10 [3273]: interruption: A red-haired woman in bright colors and oversized costume jewelry stands next to Dave to deliver an impassioned speech about women. (edit): It's a Late Show spoof of an interrupted Oscar acceptance speech by documentary filmmaker Roger Ross Williams. His former co-producer, Elinor Burkett, now known as Lady Kanye, interrupted him, says Yahoo! ••• There was a salute to horror films at the Academy Awards last night, including footage of Dick Cheney in his torture chamber, with some poor woman on a rack. / Cue Will Lee and his blood-curdling scream. ••• Dave really doesn't like it when people try to cash in on others' success. / The Hurt Locker won Best Picture last night. / video:

(movie clip)

(voice-over): "The Hurt Locker is a revolutionary movie-going experience that leaves audiences dazzled. The Academy would like to salute the people who made it possible."

(photo of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney)

(voice-over): "George W. Bush. See?"

••• The Academy Awards were really long, Dave opines. / video: Kate Winslet putting nominees to sleep with her comments ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Some time ago, Dave got the idea that helium balloons would be easier for Harry than flying a kite. The two gentlemen have been buying bigger and bigger helium balloons. They got a 34-inch balloon from Party Depot. Then Jay Johnson, Creative Director: Digital Media, gave Dave a 12-foot weather balloon. Now they're transporting an entire tank of helium to the launch site, which is fine until you accidentally break an end off, because then you've got yourself a torpedo! Unfortunately, the big balloon got away from them. Then Dave worries about becoming the next Balloon Dad. Harry asks, "Did you pick up all of the evidence?" ••• interruption: A staffer who won the Late Show office pool comes onstage to brag to Dave about his $235 jackpot. In fact, with that kind of cash he really doesn't need Dave anymore. Our friend Dave is the recipient of The Finger, along with the mother of all cuss words. Eventually the nasty fellow departs, whereupon Dave repeats his naughty language, only to be censored by the Late Show aaoogah horn. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Academy Awards ••• Kelly Ripa, who looked amazing, by the way ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Pat Farmer wanders onstage, wanting to talk to Dave about the Oscars. ••• Lady Antebellum sing. ••• partial credits

3/09/10 [3274]: Harry Smith is having a colonoscopy on the Early Show tomorrow. / video: We see cave explorers in a black and white movie. ••• monologue: Barack Obama had an annual physical a few days ago, and doctors took note of his affinity for pie. / Photoshop fun: It's a hugely overweight Barack. ••• "Academy Awards Best Picture Recap" / video: We see clips of two news anchors referring to Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker, and getting the Late Show "correct" bell. Then one slips up and refers to the Foot Locker. (Late Show "no" buzzer) ••• "Italian News Clip of the Night" / video: An anchor is busy delivering the news. Eventually he notices that a fight has broken out in the newsroom behind him. Quite the courageous journalist, instead of staying to cover the story, he takes off running! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Sticking accelerators led to a massive recall of Toyotas in January. Now a Prius has taken someone for a joyride in California. (According to ABC News, the car hit 94 MPH!) Once again, we're quite honored to have Akio Toyoda, President and CEO of Toyota, onstage to respond to the problem. /

(comments translated from Japanese)

(Mr. Toyoda bows deeply.)

(Toyoda): "I am Akio Toyoda of Toyota Motor Corporation. Yesterday in California, a Toyota Prius' accelerator became stuck, and the driver lost control. This is an unfortunate situation, and one we don't take lightly."

(Whoops! Here we go again. Toyoda starts yelling.): "Toyota is not at fault. You are at fault. Americans drive like frightened kitties. Little tiny meowing kitties. Such sad, poor little kitties. Meow, meow, meow."

(Toyoda simulates driving like a kitty.)

(Toyoda, louder): "You must drive aggressive. Aggressive like dogs. Woof, woof. Kamikaze, kamikaze. Go. Go. Go. Faster. Faster."

(Toyoda, pointing to Mr. Letterman): "Hey you, hairpiece. You make me sick. Air bag must explode and kill you. Hari-kari. Hari-kari. Hari-kari. Thank you and good night."

••• Top Ten Signs Rahm Emanuel Is Nuts ••• desk chat: Dave's personal extortionist, Robert Halderman, pled guilty today. Without mentioning his name, Dave takes a moment to compliment and thank personnel in the New York District Attorney's office:
  • District Attorney of Manhattan, Cyrus Vance, Jr.
  • former District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau
  • the Special Prosecutions Bureau in the District Attorney's office
  • the New York City Police Department.
••• Kyle Perry, the 2010 National Grocery Bagging Champion, is in from the Martin Supermarket of Granger, Indiana to compete with Dave (the pride of the Atlas Supermarket of Indianapolis). We have a new feature this year. Paul Shaffer of the CBS Television Network starts the competition with a starter's pistol. Kyle wins by a hair, but after the competition Dave reveals a special cutout on the demonstration table. It allowed Dave to dump half of the merchandise instead of bagging it. Kyle won a sweet $10,000 for his talents. / shot of Dave's contraband under the table / shot of Kyle's trophy ••• Julianna Margulies plugs City Island and The Good Wife. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Once again, writer Joe Grossman shows up behind Dave, who gives him a little warmer welcome than usual. Joe's all excited about his weekend, as he painted a closet. He's brought a clip: "Joe's Weekend." ••• Broken Bells sing. ••• full credits

3/10/10 [3275]: Harry Smith had a colonoscopy on the Early Show this morning. / video: We see cave explorers in a black and white movie. ••• Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned in the face of allegations of sexual harrassment. He says it was just tickling. / "Eric Massa In His Own Words" / video:

(Massa, on Glenn Beck): "Now they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe, and four guys jumped on top of me."
••• more on Eric Massa / video:
(voice-over): "Congressman Eric Massa has decided to step down after accusations surfaced that he tickled a male staffer. Mr. Massa would like to point out that this type of behavior has a long history in Washington, as evidenced by this archival recording."

(Franklin D. Roosevelt): "So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself... nameless, unreasoning..."

(FDR, laughing): "Stop tickling me... Unjustified terror... I said stop it. I have to do this... which paralyzes needed efforts to... stop it! Oh, not there! Not there! I'm very ticklish there!"

(voice-over): "Eric Massa: Groping for a better tomorrow."

••• Al Jazeera has "Osama's Academy Awards Fashion Disasters." / video:
(Reverend bin Laden): "Hey, it's time for 'Osama's Academy Awards Fashion Disasters.' "

(photos of fabulous women at the Academy Awards)

(Reverend bin Laden): "No burqa. No burqa. No burqa. No burqa."

(Reverend bin Laden): "I'll see you on the red carpet."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave wishes happy birthday to Felicia Collins ••• The CBS Store at the corner of 53rd St. and Broadway is closing in August. Dave calls the employee there to visit about this development. ••• Rod Blagojevich presents the Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing on Celebrity Apprentice. ••• animation: Blagojevich's hair vs. Trump's hair (growling at each other like doggies) ••• Jessica Simpson ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dr. Mehmet Oz ••• Alkaline Trio sing. ••• Chris Parker was in for Anton Fig tonight.

3/11/10 [3276]: Harry Smith had a colonoscopy on the Early Show yesterday. / video: We see a man crawling around underneath a house. ••• Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned in the face of allegations of sexual harrassment. He says he was just tickling staff at his birthday party. We have footage of one of his birthday parties. / video: It's a movie scene with a Roman setting. Young men are playing leapfrog, or something similar. ••• interruption: Pat Farmer appears during the monologue, and informs Dave that he was wearing his suit last night. Pat reaches inside the jacket, removes a sandwich and commences gnawing on it. ••• Today marks one year since Bernie Madoff arrived in the slammer. He's enjoying his time with his wife, Walt, in the Federal Correctional Institution near Butner, North Carolina. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 4 months, 3 days, 10 hours, 19 minutes, 00 seconds ••• interruption: Dave begins a joke about George W. Bush's autobiography, and tells Tony Mendez, "If you could move your hand I could get on with the joke." ••• Dave's fascinated with Harry Smith's colonoscopy. Other CBS personalities are following his example with other surgeries. / video:

(voice-over): "If you found Harry Smith's colonoscopy segment on the Early Show helpful, in the coming weeks look for all your favorite CBS stars, as they submit to a variety of medical procedures."

(video of various innards)

(voice-over): "We've got Morley Safer's quadruple bypass, Two and a Half Men star John Cryer's craniectomy, and David Caruso's LASIK eye surgery."

(wacky sound effects)

(voice-over): "Only on CBS."

••• There's so much interactive with computers and television these days. We have something with Congressman Eric Massa. / video:
(clip of the ex-Congressman)

(voice-over): "Place your body up against the television screen now. Three. Two. One. Tickle time!"

(Massa reaches out to give you a good tickling.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Shawn Pelton is in on drums for Anton Fig, as Anton's mother recently passed away in South Africa. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Add Sheet of Columbia, Missouri: Shakespeare's Pizza: "FREE CAT"
  • Adirondack Journal of Elizabethtown, New York: "Correction for last week: Hunting season is not a good time for the kids to be in the woods looking for pretty leaves."
  • Oscaloosa Independent, Oscaloosa, Kansas: "Jefferson County Humane Society's 1st Annual Fore the Animals Golf Classic: Thanks to all our sponsors: Winchester Meat Processing."
  • "Twenty-four-year-old Oakland man is under arrest after he stole a car to make a court appearance on an auto theft charge."
  • Texarkana Gazette of Texarkana, Arkansas: "Boneless bananas, 58¢ per pound.
••• interruption: CNN video: Larry King Live: /
(Dave / Larry split screen)

(Larry): "It may be silly, but I guess we have to ask it? Are you gay?"

(Dave): "No, Larry, but thanks for thinkin' of me."

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Congressman ••• Donald Trump plugs The Apprentice (a.k.a. The Celebrity Apprentice). ••• wacky animation: Donald Trump's hair vs. Rod Blagojevich's hair, growling like doggies ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Something untoward catches Dave's eye. Alan Kalter's in a hospital gown, on a gurney, with two physicians standing by. He's about to undergo a colonoscopy. Dave blows the whistle on the deal. ••• John Hiatt sings.

3/12/10 [3277]: monologue: Dave does his impression of Cincinnati Bearcats basketball color commentator Chuck Machock, who is such a homer that he suddenly begins heckling referees in a game after former Cincinnati and Kansas State coach Bob Huggins was ejected. Machock got himself kicked out. (Machock's broadcast partner, Dan Hoard, put Dave up to this.) ••• On March 2, model Naomi Campbell was accused of punching a limousine driver. The Late Show is always looking for interactive experiences. / animation:

(photo of Naomi)

(voice-over): "Put your face to the television screen now."

(Naomi throws a calculator at the screen, breaking the glass.)

••• On both Feb. 16 and 17, a tower air traffic controller at JFK International brought his kids past security, and they were heard passing on landing and departure instructions. The FAA has an announcement about a new procedure. / video:
(airport scenes)

(voice-over): "All of us in air traffic control at JFK Airport apologize for the incident involving a young child directing flights in our control tower. To make up for this error in judgment, for the next week our air traffic will only be directed by the elderly."

(picture of toothless geezer)

(pilot): "31L, position and hold, JetBlue 195."

(geezer): "Huh? What?"

(pilot): "Cleared for takeoff 31L, JetBlue 195."

(geezer): "Where the hell am I?"

(voice-over): "A message from JFK Air Traffic Control."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has more of his impression of a college basketball color commentator gone mad. ••• "Fun Facts" /
  1. Leonardo da Vinci could simultaneously write with one hand, and draw with the other.
  2. Cotton candy is only 90 percent cotton.
  3. Pythagoras was the first to theorize that one is the loneliest number.
  4. If you see a giraffe, try not to stare at its neck. They are very sensitive.
  5. Thomas Edison's kids constantly mocked him for not inventing the iPod™.
  6. Until it was stolen, the statue at the Lincoln Memorial had a hat.
  7. Peter the Apostle nearly skipped the Last Supper because he had a big lunch.
••• Top Ten Signs Your Team Isn't Ready for the NCAA Basketball Tournament ••• Liev Schreiber plugs his play, Anthony Miller's A View from the Bridge. Liev takes over the early minutes of the interview to discuss Loogiegate, the popular term for the incident first reported in the New Delhi Times, in which Mr. Schreiber allegedly (and accidentally) hocked a loogie at the face of co-star Scarlett Johansson. She reviewed the scandal during her Feb. 18 appearance on the Late Show. ••• interruption: Dave gets a phone call at the desk. "Mitch," played by Jay Johnson, Creative Director, Digital Media, takes the call. He parks himself smack in front of Dave at the desk, drinks his beverage and tells him to be still during the call. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jim Gaffigan does stand-up. ••• Drive-By Truckers sing.

3/15/10 [3278]: Harry Smith had a colonoscopy on the Early Show on March 10. / video: We see cave explorers in a black and white movie. The man is carrying a torch. ••• "A Message from Harry Smith" / video:

(background music): "Vertical" by Larry Buksbaum and Scott Schreer

(video of Harry in a gown, and his innards)

(voice-over): "Last week the nation watched as Harry Smith underwent a live colonoscopy on the Early Show. Harry would like to thank everyone who made the procedure a success: his doctors, the anesthesiologist and the nurse who respooled his colon."

(video of a lady working with link sausage)

(voice-over): "A Message from Harry Smith"

••• Everyone's talking about Tom Hanks' new movie, The Pacific. / video:
(voice-over): "HBO... Spielberg... Hanks... present their latest war project."

(Cue the Village People with "In the Navy.")

(voice-over): Eric Massa's Navy Years. Beginning Sunday on HBO."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dan Quayle's son, Ben, is running for Congress in Arizona. Nasty campaign attacks have begun. / video:
(photos of Ben Quayle and Dan Quayle)

(voice-over): "Ben Quayle is the son of Dan Quayle. A message from the Democratic Party."

••• interruption: A young man and a woman (Todd Seda and his "mom") appear beside Dave's desk. They're here for the meet and greet. (It cost 'em $1,000 each.) Dave says, "Hi. How are you?" Mom says, "It's terrible what Jay Leno did to you." Dave kicks them out. ••• desk chat: Dave once agains contemplates Twittering. He has some practice Tweets. /
  1. "2:15 Sunday. Still raining. I don't feel good."
  2. "5:30 p.m. Sunday. Can't find my sock."
  3. "7 o'clock. Want to see 60 Minutes. Fell asleep."
••• Last week Twitter had its 10 billionth tweet. / Top Ten Signs You Spend Too Much Time on Twitter ••• Jennifer Aniston plugs The Bounty Hunter. She is one amazing-looking 41-year-old. Dave has someone go upstairs and get the tie Jennifer wore on her GQ cover shoot. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Captain Charles J. Moore visits with Dave about plastic pollution. In 1997, he was sailing when he discovered trash floating in the North Pacific Gyre. The plastic includes whole articles such as combs and toothbrushes, and small bits of material. Ocean currents gather it all together. Animals such as birds eat some of the stuff by mistake. This interview wasn't booked for comedy purposes. Dave cares about the environment, and this sounds like a very serious issue. Captain Moore has a Web site: www.algalita.org. ••• Shawn Pelton was in on drums for Anton Fig.

3/16/10 [3279]: The world's shortest man, He Pingping (2' 5" tall), died on March 15. / home video: The little fellow opens the front door to discover a giant kitty. ••• interruption: /

(Alan Kalter): "Tonight: George Clooney! Tonight: Sandra Bullock! Tonight: Johnny Depp!"

(Dave): "Alan. Alan... it's me, Dave. We're in the show. What are you doin'?"

(Alan): "I'm recording my audition reel for Jimmy Kimmel. Tonight: Angelina Jolie!"

(Dave): "Could you do me a favor and do that on your own time?"

(Alan): "Whatever you say, ass****."

••• After extensive testing, Toyota has announced that they were unable to duplicate the problem with the Prius that allegedly got up to 94 MPH on March 8. / video:
(voice-over): "After a thorough review, Toyota can now say with certainty that the recent runaway Prius incident in California was a hoax. All other reported issues with Toyotas:
  • malfunctioning pressure hoses in Camrys,
  • inconsistent braking patterns in Priuses,
  • floor mat entrapment in Camrys, Avalons, Priuses, Tacomas and Tundras, and
  • sticking accelerator pedals in Camrys, Corollas, Highlanders, RAV4s, Matrixes, Avalons, Sequoias and Tundras,
that's all on us. A message from Toyota."
••• "WABC Local News Clip of the Night" / video:
(reporter, on a raft or boat in New Jersey): "Now, the problem here in Bound Brook is that the town is just like its name. It is bound by two brooks and the Raritan River, so that every time it rains hard, it floods hard."

(A man walks into the shot, ankle deep in water.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells about the CBS Orchestra's latest gig (their 25th) as the house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. ••• network time killer: Dave decides to do some tweeting. Barbara Gaines has to come over to show Dave how to work the laptop computer. (I hate those things.) Follow Dave's tweets on Twitter. Dave warns us that when we Twitter at home, we should be wearing a lead apron. ••• Snoop Dogg presents the Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Said by Snoop Dogg. ••• Jimmy Kimmel interview / Dave thanks Jimmy for his part in all the fun with Jay Leno in January. Jimmy did an entire show as Jay Leno around that time. He observes, "It's fun to be Jay. It's easier." ••• interruption: Late in Jimmy's interview, I'm looking around my room, trying to figure out why I hear a whistle. It's Executive Producer Barbara Gaines. She has a whistle around her neck, and is going to blow it whenever Dave's running long. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for the "Pets vs. Humans" competition that begins on March 18 ••• Kirstie Alley plugs Kirstie Alley's Big Life. ••• Shawn Pelton was in on drums for Anton Fig.

3/17/10 [3280]: Happy St. Patrick's Day. / Photoshop fun: Mayor Michael Bloomberg (5' 5") as a leprechaun ••• monologue: Everybody's wearing green today. Regis was wearing his money. ••• It's March Madness on CBS. There's nothing CBS doesn't cover. / video:

(college basketball footage)

(voice-over): "March Madness is here, and CBS is the place to be for all the NCAA basketball excitement. Tune in Thursday at 7 P.M. as we begin with exclusive coverage of the ball-inflating ceremony."

(video of Production Coordinator Michael Z. McIntee inflating a basketball with a tire pump)

(voice-over): "Only on CBS."

••• Last week Congressman Eric Massa (D-NY) was kicked out of office for tickling staff members. Tonight we have "Eric Massa News Recap" / video:
(intro music): "Breaking Now," by Phil Garrod, Reed Hays, and Scott P. Schreer

(clips of various talking heads, including Pat Buchanan, Mike Huckabee, Shepard Smith, Roy Sekoff, Glenn Beck): It goes something like this: "Groping." "Tickling." "Did he grope?" "Did he tickle?" "Groping." "Groping." "Grope." "Groped." "Groped." "Tickle fight." "Snorkle." "Snorkling." "Tickle fight." "Wild naked parties." "I was fondling a cat." You get the idea.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave calls his mother, Dorothy, in Indianapolis to see if she'll mention the first crocus of the spring. With persistent and skilled questioning, she eventually gets to the crocuses, but only after several mentions of daffodils. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the St. Patrick's Day Parade ••• Gerard Butler plugs The Bounty Hunter. (Mr. Butler utters the mother of all cuss words and gets censored, and not long after, Dave gets the Late Show aaoogah horn for an unknown naughty word.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mindy Kaling, writer for The Office ••• Free Energy sing. ••• Shawn Pelton was in on drums for Anton Fig.

3/18/10: REPEAT FROM 2/15/10

3/19/10: REPEAT FROM 2/09/10

3/22/10 [3281]: Anton Fig is back. ••• interruption: The young guy, Todd Seda, comes onstage during the monologue, carrying a photo of Harry Smith's colon. He requests that Dave get an autograph for him. ••• It's a good night for the monologue. Dave says,

  1. "Hey, here's more good news about the health care reform bill. It covers the Kansas Jayhawks choking. What a game! A number one seed in the tournament... the NCAA Tournament, Kansas, was upset by Northern Iowa. That's really ignominy, you know? Think about it. When an entire state, Kansas, gets upset by part of a state, Northern Iowa. It wasn't the whole state. Just Northern Iowa got 'em."
  2. "You know what happened earlier tonight? You know what? You know what happened earlier tonight? You... you... you... know what? Pamela Anderson, Pamela Anderson, I guess, was on Dancing with the Stars. It's pretty impressive. Yeah, I know, go ahead and be funny if you want, but it's pretty impressive. I mean, she can't see her feet."
  3. "This is interesting. This whole thing is interesting, because as you probably know, Tiger (Woods) blames his indiscretions on losing touch with his Buddhist faith. Well, that's exactly what happened to me!"
••• "New Health Care Laws and You" / video:
(voice-over): "Under the new health care law, basic checkups, cold and flu treatment and preventive care such as prostate exams and mammograms may be performed by an accredited dry cleaner."

(photo of a dry cleaner holding an x-ray)

(graphic: The More You Know logo)

••• "White House Guy in the Background of the Night" / video: President Obama and Vice-President Biden address the nation after the health care bill passes the House. Down the hall, a man accidentally walks into the shot, sees his mistake and ducks out in a hurry. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has more on fun with helium balloons, Harry and trips to Party Depot for more tanks of helium. ••• CBS's Harry Smith presents the Top Ten Things Going Through Harry Smith's Mind During His Televised Colonoscopy. / #6: "Now I know how Conan felt." ••• Lacey Brown is with the CBS Orchestra. She's the first bootee from American Idol. / Lacey sings. ••• Greg Kinnear plugs The Last Song. ••• Michael Bublé interview / Michael sings.

3/23/10 [3282]: A hot topic this week is a study of meal portion sizes depicted in paintings over history. / Photoshop fun: Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper" shows us something else. Mr. Regis Philbin is seen ducking out just as soon as the check arrives. He's old as the hills, and he's cheap! ••• The Discovery Channel has a Sunday evening series, life. / video:

(video): nature scenes

(voice-over): "Over 65 million people fell in love with Planet Earth. Now, Discovery invites you back for the highly-anticipated next chapter, life. This week, journey to Africa and be amazed as three cheetahs brazenly attack an ostrich..."

(video): three cheetahs brazenly attacking an ostrich

(voice-over): "...only to be thwarted by this daring young monkey."

(video): A cute little monkey with a revolver kills the cheetahs.

(voice-over): "life. Only on Discovery."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside cam: We see a throng of citizens (several dozen, anyway) behind barricades on 53rd St., waiting for the arrival of Justin Bieber. ••• outside cam: We see four geezers on 53rd St. They're Dave's fans. ••• Sticking accelerators led to a massive recall of Toyotas in January. (Dave wouldn't give their troubles to a monkey on a rock.) Once again, we're quite honored to have Akio Toyoda, President and CEO of Toyota, onstage to address the issue. /
(comments translated from Japanese)

(Mr. Toyoda bows deeply.)

(Toyoda): "I am Akio Toyoda of Toyota Motor Corporation. Thank you for your time and understanding. As you know last week, there was another embarrassing occurrence involving a runaway Toyota."

(Mr. Toyoda's demeanor changes suddenly. He scowls and begins to shout.)

(Toyoda): "As I'm sure you know, it was a hoax. Driver was a lying criminal trying to shame me. Guess what? From now on Toyota no brakes. You hear me, no brakes. No horn. Too bad, cowards. No horn. No honk honk. Cars will explode in your garage. Blow up. Blow up. Kaboom. Kaboom. Take that, American fatties. So fat. So, so fatty."

(Toyoda points to Mr. Letterman, who is minding his own business at his desk.)

(Toyoda): "And you, underpants, what have you done with Leno? Where is Jay-walking? You killed Big Jaw. No more comedy at 10."

(Toyoda bows.)

(Toyoda): "Arigato."

••• Ben Stiller plugs Greenberg. ••• visiting and (eventually) cooking with chef Jamie Oliver (fying eggs) ••• Justin Bieber sings. ••• A Top Ten was edited out.

3/24/10 [3283]: That thieving weasel Bernie Madoff got beat up in the slammer again last weekend. (Audience members cheer.) / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 3 months, 23 days, 10 hours, 21 minutes, 49 seconds ••• Harry Smith had a colonoscopy on the Early Show on March 10. / video: We see cave explorers in a black and white movie. The man is carrying a torch. (repeat) ••• "The Health Care Bill - A Closer Look" / video:

(voice-over): "Page 412, Section 1603, Subtitle A, Part III. By the year 2013, to make end-of-life care less grim, when a loved one passes away, instead of this:"

(EKG display and pulse going to steady tone upon flatline)

(voice-over): "Heart monitors will play this"

(Jack Jones with "The Love Boat" theme song)

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Health Care Bill - A Closer Look.' "

••• "New York City's Most Common Health Code Violations" / video:
(pictures of food)

(voice-over): "Food not properly refrigerated. Meat not fully cooked. Restaurants using monkey waiters."

(video): a cute little monkey

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave runs us through all the details of putting together the Dave/Leno/Oprah Super Bowl XLIV ad that ran on February 7, 2010. He goes on and on. Eventually we learn why. During the preshow audience questions, Tyler from Utah wanted to know, "How did you get Jay Leno to do that Tostitos® commercial?" ••• Top Ten Signs You're Having a Bad Spring Break ••• Tina Fey plugs Date Night. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bryan Cranston plugs Breaking Bad. ••• Joan Jett & the Blackhearts sing "Bad Reputation." It was great to see Joanie again.

3/25/10: REPEAT FROM 2/10/10

3/26/10: REPEAT FROM 2/18/10

3/29/10 [3284]: show opening: Dave does a do-over on the mysterious pointing-at-his-watch thing. ••• This is exciting. We have a new video from Reverend Osama bin Laden. /

(Rev. bin Laden): "And finally, death to America. Oh, and happy Passover to all my Jewish friends."
••• interruption: Dave notices some unusual behavior from Alan Kalter. Big Red has stripped to a white T-shirt, and he's spraying some sort of goo on his arms. He explains, "Obama's damn tanning salon tax! I've been reduced to this, Dave!" ••• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush just went to Haiti. Naturally Bush embarrassed himself and the United States of America. / "George W. Bush: Man of the People" / video:
(March 22, 2010): Bush and Clinton are seen shaking hands with Haitian natives. After shaking hands with one individual, Bush is seen wiping off his hand on Clinton's shoulder.

(voice-over by Alan): "George W. Bush wipes his hand on Bill Clinton after shaking hands with Haitians."

(October 19, 2000): During a Late Show commercial break, George W. Bush is seen cleaning his glasses on a jacket Maria Pope is wearing.

(voice-over by Alan): "George W. Bush uses a producer's shawl to clean his glasses."

••• "Lindsay Graham Meet the Press Highlight of the Night" / video:
(Graham video): "Over the next 10 years, doctors are supposed to be cut by $21,000,000,000. Can you hear me?"

(moderator, off-camera): "Yeah. You're fine. You're fine."

(Graham video): "Hello. Hello. Can you hear me? Hello."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• wacky behavior out of commercial: Dave pretends he's shaving with the PA microphone he talks to sidewalk pedestrians with. (It has a coiled cord.) ••• desk chat: Dave reports that he was just screaming "Let's go" to Barbara Gaines. She's taken one of Tony Mendez's giant black cue card markers to a file folder, and has printed "(the-mother-of-all-cuss-words) you" on it. Michael Z. McIntee will report this as "Givl you" in tomorrow's Wahoo Gazette. ••• desk chat: Dave traveled by air over the weekend. An airport reservation lady asked for a shout-out on the Late Show. She had the idea that Dave did such things. The shout-out is for the lady's girlfriend, who's in a contest. She wants a printout of a Web page held up. Dave has a picture of a couple who are about to be married. Anyway, Dave delivers a message to Alan Kalter to read for the couple. /
(Alan): "It was the summer of 2000, and I met Anthony at my summer job. As I tried to sell leather jackets in the middle of July, lo and behold, my only customer was the police officer on the job. I must have made quite an impression on him, because he pursued me for a few weeks, and we've been together ever since. He has a witty mind, and a contagious laugh that keeps me happy every day. And the comfort of being in his arms is fulfilling to me in the deepest way imaginable. This is my guy, my love."
••• Dave visits with American Idol bootee Paige Miles. / Paige sings. ••• Alan has more on the lady needing a shout-out. /
(Alan): "Our dream day would start by waking up late, and being able to spend the rest of the day together. He would make breakfast, and then we would do everyday things like grocery shopping, working out, going to the movies, updating the house, or even playing Guitar Hero at home. For dinner, I would try out a new recipe. When he does his little dance in his chair, I know I've nailed it. And to conclude the day, we'll watch TV, relax and cuddle, as we pretend to be the big spoon and the little spoon."

We're all supposed to vote for the couple at www.ultimateweddingcontest.com/entries/22089.

••• Top Ten Highlights of President Obama's Trip to Afghanistan ••• Robin Williams plugs his brand new DVD, Weapons of Self Destruction. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Pat Farmer shows up to talk about nothing in general. ••• Usher sings.

3/30/10 [3285]: monologue: "Happy Passover... not to be confused with what happened to me and Conan. That was passed over." ••• The Republican National Committee had at big party at an S & M club in Los Angeles, and they spent $2,000 of campaign donation money at the club. / photo: It's Sarah Palin in a black leather jacket, with a smiling Sen. John McCain behind her. ••• When the health care bill passed the other day, Barack Obama did a presidential address, with Joe Biden behind him. Just before he began, Biden was overheard saying the mother-of-all-cuss words, which brings us to "Vice-Presidential Profanities." / video:

(voice-over): "2010: At the signing of the health care bill, Joe Biden said, 'This is a big ******* deal.' "

(voice-over): "2004: On the Senate floor, Dick Cheney said to Pat Leahy, 'Go **** yourself.' "

(voice-over): "1958: A distraught Richard Nixon was overheard saying, 'Holy ****! I just walked in on Dwight and Mamie doing it!"

(The ****s were censored by the Late Show aaoogah horn.)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk antics: Out of commercial, Dave plays with the desk microphone. He doesn't hurt it or anything. ••• desk chat: Dave has six-year-old Harry, and he's a dumb guy. He's sometimes torn on whether to use discipline or patience. Nancy Agostini told Dave that the circus was in town. Dave called Regina to ask if she and Harry would like to go. Harry said, "Absolutely not!" ••• Jerry Foley opens the Top Ten montage. ••• interruption: Dave does his crazed, bug-eyed stare. He hops up out of his chair and scampers offstage without a word. / green room cam: We see Dave gnawing on a gigantic chocolate chip cookie. He's making yummy sounds and says, "Damn... you cookies, why are you so delicious?" Eventually he remembers that tape is rolling, and makes his way back to the set. (Dave explains, "That's a little skit we call 'Dave Wants a Cookie.' ") ••• Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses ••• Luke Wilson plugs Death at a Funeral. ••• Pam Stout of the Idaho Teap Party Patriots ••• Alan Jackson sings. ••• with closing credits: Dave gnawing on a gigantic cookie

3/31/10 [3286]: King Tutankhamun is coming back to New York, and Dave has actual black-and-white footage from 1922 of the discovery of his tomb. / video: the man and woman in a cave gag, representing Harry Smith's colonoscopy on March 10 ••• interruption: An onscreen countdown clock for V: They Return shows up onscreen: 5:23:14:57. ••• Some think that McDonald's should dump Ronald McDonald. Here's who they're going with. / video: It's David Hasselhoff, eating the hamburger on the floor. ••• The History Channel had a fascinating program about Jesus last night. / video:

(History Channel logo)

(voice-over): "Tuesday night on the History Channel: New high-tech methods allow scientists to scan the Shroud of Turin and visualize the real face of Jesus. The technology is so advanced, you can actually hear Jesus's actual voice."

(Jesus animation)

(Jesus): "Hey, everybody, it's me, Jesus. Remember to rotate your tires!"

(voice-over): "The Real Face of Jesus. Only on the History Channel."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that earlier today, Executive Producer Barbara Gaines adopted her son, Simon Ludvigsen Gaines with her partner, Aari. Gaines is beaming after the good news about Simon, who is 3½. Simon had nothing to say, as he was busy eating cookies in the courtroom. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Craig Ferguson has won a Peabody Award for his Late Late Show interview with Archbishop Desmond Tutu. ••• Alan Kalter has a commercial. /
(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Cramp 911™ roll-on lotion. Hi. I'm rodeo legend Alan Kalter. If you're like me, you're positively riddled with cramps. I mean neck cramps, I've got leg cramps, hell... even my cramps have cramps! Ha ha ha! But seriously... cramps are no laughing matter. That's why I use specially-formulated Cramp 911™. Just roll it on, and in as little as 15 seconds, all that tightness starts to let go, and you're transported to a land of ambrosia... and loose women. Oh... God! Yes! Oh, take me to ecstasy!! Cramp 911™... Ohhhh!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Cramp 911™: available at Rexall®. Back to you, donkeyface."

••• interruption: Todd Seda shows up behind Dave. He wants to talk about Ricky Martin coming out of the closet the other day. Todd asks Dave, "So... do you have anything you want to say to everyone? Nothing you'd like to announce?" Dave has nothing. Todd had March 31st in the "Is Dave Gay?" office pool. ••• Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Oil Drilling Plan ••• Turkey callers:
1. Shane Hendershot of Zanesville, Ohio does "Fly Down Cackle." He came in third.
2. Jim Pollard from Charleston, Arkansas does "Cutting of Excited Hen." He came in second.
3. Mitchell Johnson from Purlear, North Carolina does "Plain Yelp of Hen." He was the big winner.
4. This is exciting. We have a real turkey onstage to listen to the men do their turkey calls together. Nothing happens.
••• Ricky Gervais ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Ricky Gervais •••The Whigs sing.

4/01/10 [3287]: The Yankees won the World Series in 2009 because of Kate Hudson. (She's been traded to the Diamondbacks.) / photo of her replacement: Betty White! ••• Harry Smith had that live colonoscopy on CBS on March 10, and there's a clip. / Next we see videotape editor Tom Catusi, who informs Dave, "Sorry to interrupt, Dave, but I think we're done with Harry Smith's colonoscopy as a reference. I've been starin' at the inside of that guy's ass for a month. You, and everyone here, make me sick." ••• McDonald's wants to get rid of Ronald McDonald. (Leno claims he has nothing to do with it.) They've got the next guy. / video: David Hasselhoff's eating a hamburger off a floor. ••• Sarah Palin has a show on Fox News. Fox made it look like Palin was interviewing LL Cool J, thanks to videotape tricks. It's not the first time. / video:

(voice-over): "Sarah Palin and Fox News apologize to LL Cool J for trying to use an old interview. But you'll still want to tune into the show to see Sarah's exclusive, one-on-one interview with President Richard Nixon."

(Nixon): "I wrote 26 love letters to some countess in Spain."

(Palin): "I'll try to find you some, and I'll bring 'em to ya."

(voice-over): "Palin: No rules. Just right."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells about his adventures with Easter eggs for Harry. He starts to run through some possibilities, but then realizes that Harry might be watching. He does know that you can't put the eggs out the night before, or the wolves will get them. This means Dave (oops... the Easter Bunny) has to get up at dawn. ••• "Andy Kindler at Yankees Spring Training" / video: Andy visits with Derek Jeter, announcer Michael Kay, Mark Teixeira, Kevin Long, CC Sabathia, Joba Chamberlain, Nick Swisher and Andy Pettitte. We're also treated to a recap of Andy's Bar Mitzvah. ••• Dave has a highly-coveted, much-sought-after iPad™. He has fun looking at other people's pictures. ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Waiting in Line for the iPad™. ••• Sam Worthington plugs Clash of the Titans. ••• desk chat: more tinkering with the iPad™ ••• interruption: A colorfully-dressed clown shows up. He's distraught over the alleged plan to dump Ronald McDonald. Oops. It's the FU guy, and he proceeds to give Dave the finger, along with the mother-of-all-cuss words. ••• Dave announces that Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg have been bumped. / shot of them in the green room ••• Patty Loveless sings.

4/02/10 [3288]: It's allergy season, which brings us to a reprise of Sherman Grossman in "A Monkey Sneezing." / video ••• Dick Cheney is mentioned, and Will Lee reprises his screams from Cheney's dungeon. ••• It's the beginning of baseball season. The New York Mets are cursed with weird injuries. / video:

(graphics)

(voice-over): "Hey, Mets fans... come out to Citi Field this season to see David Wright, Johan Santana and all your favorite Mets stars, as they injure themselves in ways you'd never imagine."

(slightly-doctored video): A player scoops up a ground ball and 'splodes!

(voice-over): "Mets fever. Catch it."

••• "The Manhattan Coyote: Where Is He Now?" / video:
(pictures): coyotes in the city

(voice-over): "Last week, a coyote nicknamed Wally was tranquilized and captured in Lower Manhattan."

(picture of Rupert Jee with a plate of coyote)

(voice-over): "Today, the coyote is in Midtown, at the Hello Deli. This has been 'The Manhattan Coyote: Where Is He Now?' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about hydration, short ribs and pot roast. ••• "Guys in Commercials Who Kind of Look Like Dave" / video:
(art card and catchy theme song)

(scene): Heaven, brightly lit

A man at the front of a line, with an umbrella and briefcase, approaches an ornate desk.

(God): "Name?"

(man): "Ron Martinez."

(God looks a lot like Dave.)

••• There's so much talk about health care, and it's hard to visualize the trillions of dollars involved. The graphics department has put something together to help us. Wait. Nothing is happening. What's wrong?
(Dave): "Is is up yet?"

(Paul): "Where is it?"

(Dave): "Where's Chris, the graphics guy? Is there a problem?"

(Ed Sullivan theater cam): Graphic Art Director Chris Dimino

(Dave): "Chris? Oh, hi Chris. Chris, we're supposed to have the visual representation of what the number a trillion means. Do you have them ready?"

(Chris): "I haven't made them yet."

(Dave): "Well, that's too bad. And none of my business, but Chris, why haven't you gotten around to those?"

(Chris): "I was told I had to finish making this first: that thing on Donald Trump's head, humping the Statue of Liberty's leg."

(animation): that thing on Donald Trump's head, humping the Statue of Liberty's leg

(Chris): "I hate my job, Dave."

••• Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready for the Season ••• Nathan Lane plugs his new Broadway musical, The Addams Family, at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre on 46th St. We're treated to a fun clip of Nathan's cameo in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "True Tales from the Old West" (with Bob 'B.B.' Boberson) / video:
Alan Kalter: "Time once again for 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob 'B.B.' Boberson."

Tim Thomerson, as Bob: "Couple, three years ago I was workin' on the old Triple 8s for old Doc Delahunt. He had this daughter named Loretta, who I was sweet on. Doc pulled me aside and said while I'm livin' on his property, I'd better leave his daughter alone, or he'll stab me. So one night I'm all fun of reservation gin, looking for the old giddyup, if you know what I mean. Headin' towards Loretta, I remember what Doc says. So I turn around drilled Doc's wife instead. That's a true story."

Johnny Dark, as a gay cowboy: "I'm gay."

Alan: "This has been 'True Tales from the Old West,' with America's foremost Old West storyteller, Bob 'B.B.' Boberson. We'll be right back."

••• She & Him sing. She is Zooey Deschanel. He is M. Ward. ••• full credits

4/05/10: REPEAT FROM 2/05/10

4/06/10 [3289]: medical update: Dave's hoarse tonight. ••• monologue: A lady is getting on a plane in England, and she has her husband, presumably, in a wheelchair (wearing sunglasses). He's dead! How did he take his shoes off for security? Of course, all Dave can think of is Larry King. The last time somebody tried to transport a dead relative in a wheelchair was this. / video: Dick Cheney in a wheelchair ••• King Tutankhamun's carcass arrived in New York today. He just took a stroll through Central Park. / video: Shecky has some black and white footage of a horror movie, with some hero working on a zombie with a shotgun. ••• monologue: Allergies are terrible right now. In fact, drug dealers are trying to change crystal meth back into Sudafed®. ••• Republican leaders decided to have a party at a strip club in Los Angeles. Now other clubs are trying to get in on the hot action. / video of a commercial:

(voice-over): "Looking to celebrate your conservative values in an atmosphere that's anything but conservative?"

(video): The Blue Elephant neon sign

(voice-over): "Check out The Blue Elephant, the only night club that caters exclusively to Republicans. We've got a sexy staff of cocktail waitresses who look like Ronald Reagan."

(Photoshop fun): Ronald Reagan as a cocktail waitress

(voice-over): "And on those nights when you're feeling adventurous, you can ride the mechanical Dick Cheney. The Blue Elephant: No rules. Just right."

••• Tiger Woods had a big press conference as he returned to golf at the Masters. / video:
(Tiger): "A lot has happened, uh, in my life over the past five months."

(Tiger's totally taken out by a hurled golf club.)

••• desk chat: Dave wants to recap the two-point loss of Butler University to Duke in the national championship game last night on CBS. Butler's from Indianapolis, you know. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Once again, we're quite honored to have Akio Toyoda, President and CEO of Toyota, onstage to respond to the company's troubles over recent weeks, and to apologize. /
(comments translated from Japanese)

(Mr. Toyoda bows deeply.)

(Toyoda): "I am Akio Toyoda of Toyota Motor Corporation. After a series of embarrassing setbacks, Toyota finally has some good news to report to our shareholders and concerned customers. In the last month, Toyota sales surged a remarkable 41%. Thank you."

(Oh, no... here we go again. Mr. Toyoda's demeanor quickly turns dark and hostile.)

(Toyoda, oinking): "You, you giant fat pigs. Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink oink."

(Toyoda, on a roll now): "You Americans try to shame us. You know why cars go 200 MPH? You know why cars don't stop? That's how we build them. Ha ha ha ha. Crying little fat babies. Ooh help, help. Car won't stop. Ha ha ha. Ooh, car won't slow down when you go to Dunky Donuts. Dunky Donuts. Ahhhhh, Dunky Donuts. Must eat Dunky Donuts. Get fat, sooo fat. Car won't stop. How do I get to Dunky Donuts? Help, help. I want to be fat. Cars won't stop. I love Dunky Donuts. I love Dunky Donuts. But Toyota won't slow down. Too bad fatties."

(Toyoda, smiling, bowing): "Arigato."

••• The CBSO has a guest tonight. The third finalist to be voted off American Idol, Didi Benami, visits with Dave, then sings. ••• live via satellite: Dave visits at length with Butler's head coach, Brad Stevens about their two-point loss in the national championship game last night. ••• Steve Carell plugs Date Night. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The cast of Broadway's The Addams Family, including Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth, perform a number.

4/07/10 [3290]: medical update: Dave's really hoarse tonight. This episode was taped before last night's. ••• Republican leaders were recently naughty at a strip club in Los Angeles. / outside cam: Flash Dancers at 1674 Broadway has a sign that says, "Home of the 2010 Republican National Convention." ••• It's allergy season. / Photoshop fun: The CBS eye is very red. Dave's allergic to nothing, by the way. ••• monologue: The iPad™ will revolutionize the way people procrastinate." ••• The Masters is going to be in 3-D. / promo video:

(video): Masters logo

(voice-over): "This year, see the Masters tournament like you've never seen it before. CBS is broadcasting the event in state-of-the-art high definition. Select cable systems will show it in 3-D. And our special effects team has added all-new CGI monsters!"

(animation): CGI monster devours a golfer teeing off

(voice-over): "The Masters: Only on CBS."

••• "Bad Acting Gig" / video:
(video): airport scene

(woman 1, noticing woman 2 with a Colon Health bag): "You're the Colon Lady!"

(woman 2): "Diarrhea, constipation, gas, bloating. That's me!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave congratulates the national champion Duke Blue Demons. ••• desk chat: People look at Dave, not only as the Dean of American Broadcasters, but as one of the world's great thinkers. For example, Dave has been asked, "What about time? It's slipping away." Dentists advise us to brush our teeth three times a day, two minutes each time. Dave has cut his three brushing sessions back to 90 seconds. Just with one brushing, that adds up to three hours a year. ••• iPad™ commercial / video:
(photo of the Apple store on Fifth Avenue)

(voice-over): "You want a tablet computer, but most stores will have only a limited supply of iPads. Luckily, there is an alternative: the PiePad™. The finest digital engineers at Sara Lee® have developed the world's first interactive pie. And, at only half the price of the iPad™, the PiePad™ still does it all. You can create documents, read the news, even enjoy your favorite music. Or, for only $199, get the Pie Pad Nano™. The PiePad™: now available in your grocer's freezer."

••• We have a guest in the band. From the February 9, 1987 episode of Card Sharks, it's losing contestant Arthur Burke. (Or is it Joe Grossman?) ••• Area accountants present the Top Ten Thoughts That Go Through Every Accountant's Mind on April 15. Our presenters are: Louis Demars, Ann Timney, Andrew Ross, Doug Cohen, Richard Koenisgberg, Adele Velenzuela, Lou DeFalco, Arthur Drucker, Mark Morrow and Richard Cohen. ••• desk chat: Dave complains that one of the accountants gave him a dirty look. / shot of the accountants eating pizza in the green room ••• Chris Rock plugs Death at a Funeral. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Chris Rock ••• Jane Lynch plugs Glee.

4/08/10: REPEAT FROM 3/01/10

4/09/10: REPEAT FROM 3/15/10

4/12/10: REPEAT FROM 3/04/10

4/13/10: REPEAT FROM 3/08/10

4/14/10: REPEAT FROM 3/05/10

4/15/10: REPEAT FROM 3/24/10

4/16/10: REPEAT FROM 3/03/10

4/19/10 {3291]: The topic of the night is the Eyjafjallajokull volcano that erupted in Iceland on April 14 after about 200 years of dormancy. The Internet is full of creative pronunciations, but a native of Iceland offered EY-ya-fyat-lah-YOH-kuht to a reporter. ••• New York's Museum of Modern Art has a naked display. Here's how they're promoting it. (Photoshop fun): a neon sign that reads "live nude girls" ••• interruption: Gene Szymanski strolls onstage to inform Dave that he won't be here for this episode. The volcanic ash is getting to him. ••• "Larry King looks like a lizard in suspenders," Dave opines, as he admits that he personally is no Clark Gable. ••• Witnesses to the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull reported that the resulting cloud of ash looked like an angry face. / video:

(volcano pictures)

(voice-over): "While examining photos of the Iceland volcano, researchers found what appears to be a demonic face in the surface. Their discovery became even more disturbing when they heard this audio recording of the volcanic activity."

(animation of a singing demonic face): "Everybody was Kung Fu fighting. Those cats were fast as lightning."

(voice-over): "Iceland: More rock. Less talk."

••• "Iceland Volcano Mispronunciation Roundup" / video:
Anchors from CNN, CNBC, NBC, etc. stumble over the six-syllable tongue-twister.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: We see a photo of Clark Gable in a top hat. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he has staffers trapped in four-star hotels in London because of the volcanic ash (or is it congestion of room service carts?). ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about kindeegarten, as he likes to call it. If you have a party, all the other kindeegarteners have to get invited. (Dave breaks the desk microphone during the discussion.) Harry went to a martial arts birthday party. All the kids were kicking and punching each other. Dave reports that during the 1.5-hour party, time stood still. ••• Paul Shaffer introduces the fourth and fifth American Idol bootees, Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia. After the visit with Dave, the pair sing a duet, Chris Brown's "Super Human." Hmmm. It wasn't working for me. ••• Jennifer Lopez plugs The Back-up Plan, and she and Dave do some experiments with her perfume. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg of ESPN plug their new book, Mike and Mike's Rules for Sports and Life.

4/20/10 [3292]: It's more fun with the Eyjafjallajokull volcano tonight. Anybody from Iceland? There's dead silence from the largely American audience. As Dave glances around, however, he sees that the ever-reliable horn section have raised their hands. ••• monologue: "Eyjafjallajokull. That's the name of it. It's the scariest thing from Iceland since Björk in that swan outfit," Dave says. (photo of Björk Guðmundsdóttir from the 2001 Oscars) ••• monologue: Once the ash cloud dissipates, this is what JFK's going to do to get planes out in a hurry: (It's a repeat of a gag from 3/03/10... an animation with three heavy jets stacked on top of each other on their takeoff roll. They rotate, separate from each other and are on their way into the wild blue yonder.) ••• Stagehand Gene Szymanski appears onstage to notify Dave that because of volcanic ash, he didn't make it into work today, and tomorrow looks iffy. ••• Apple Computer put the iPad™ on sale this month, and it could put Amazon's kindle™ out of business. / video:

(video outside the Apple store on Fifth Avenue)

(voice-over): "Apple's newest technological innovation may be setting sales records, but don't forget that Amazon's kindle™ is far more than just an eReader."

(photo of a kindle)

(voice-over): "You can use it to prop a wobbly table leg, flip pancakes, or you can use it as a coaster for your iPad™."

(photos of the kindle in its alternate uses)

(voice-over): "Kindle: We're finished."

••• "How Stranded Travelers Are Getting Home" / video:
(video clips of outdoor activities, with wacky consequences)

(voice-over): "Parasailing. Hang gliding. Water skiing. Good night, America."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Paul introduces musicians sitting in with him tonight. Vaneese Thomas, Curtis King, Fonzi Thornton and Robin Clark are with the CBSO. ••• desk chat: A couple in the audience has been married since Saturday. During the preshow visit, Dave caught the bride admiring her wedding ring. He claims she's obsessed with it, and has a jeweler's loupe for her to check its quality. ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about all the late night shows, Conan, Big Jaw, etc. Dave's said throughout the Conan-Jay upheaval that all he wants is for everyone who wants a show to get a show. Conan has gotten a show at TBS, by the way. Dave makes one final check on everyone. As Dave works through the list of Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, George Lopez, Jay Leno and Carson Daly, we see their photos with that "someone else's talking lips superimposed on my photo" gag. ••• Top Ten Goldman Sachs Excuses ••• Demi Moore plugs The Joneses and teaches Dave about Twitter. The iPhone™ photos she took on Dave's lap and backstage show up on her Twitter page. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• bumper: Demi's out-of-focus Twitter photo of her on Dave's lap ••• cooking with chef David Chang ••• Justin Nozuka sings.

4/21/10 [3293]: bulletin: The desk microphone that Dave broke last night has been repaired. ••• interruption: What's all that noise? Oh, it's Alan Kalter. He's at that set door at stage left that pretends to be an outside exit or the entrance to a cranky neighbor's living room, emptying a 55-gallon barrel of waste oil onto the street. Alan just wants to do his part for Earth Day tomorrow. ••• It's looked this week as if we were facing a doorman strike. / video:

(voice-over): "The doormen of New York City are pleased to have negotiated a new contract, that will keep them on the job without interruption. And, to those cynics who ask, 'What kind of person can't even open their own doors?', we'd like to remind you of this."

(cue clip of George W. Bush in the Orient, trying to get through a locked door)

(voice-over): "Doors: the other white meat."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave feels the need to discuss an encounter with an audience gentleman during the preshow questions. He's wearing a Steelers sweatshirt. Well, get this: He's not from Pittsburgh! Dave has an overpriced Late Show white t-shirt, which he instructs the Steelers fan to put on right then and there. It's delivered promptly by Eddie Brill. ••• The new iPad™ is getting stolen from people. / video:
(security camera clip)

(voice-over): "Thieves in Colorado ripped off a man's finger while steeling his iPad™. To combat this glitch, with every iPad™, Apple will now include an iFinger™. Apple. Dude: you're getting a Dell."

••• "Can Two Women and Their Dead Friend Hail a Cab?" / outside cam: Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis and Production Service Coordinator Darlene Barbara are beside a curb. They have Stage Manager Eddie Valk in a swivel desk chair. Eventually they get a van-type cab to pull over. Scooting the chair up to a door, the two ladies somehow manage to load Eddie's carcass into the back seat, and the chair into the back. No arrests were made. ••• desk chat: An Apple employee lost a top-secret prototype of the latest iPhone™ at a bar in California. / Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Who Lost the iPhone Prototype ••• Eddie Murphy plugs Shrek Forever After. He plays Donkey. Did you know that Eddie's 49 years old? ••• bumper: photo of Yul Brenner, an acquaintance of Eddie's ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kaley Cuoco plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• musical guests: Jakob Dylan (with special guests Neko Case and Kelly Hogan)

4/22/10 [3294]: interruption: A new NFL draftee, wearing his new team's cap, comes out for a photo with Dave, taken by Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim. ••• There's a new $100 bill. / Photoshop fun: Rod Blagojevich is on it. ••• The first modern trampoline was invented in 1936 by George Nissen, who died at 96 on April 7. Here's a video tribute. /

(photos of Nissen)

(voice-over): "George Nissen, inventor of the trampoline, has passed away at the age of 96. He was a true pioneer, whose vision, innovations and passion sowed the seeds for the trampoline's worldwide popularity."

(cemetery scene)

(animation): A coffin bounces twice on a trampoline, then lands perfectly in a freshly-dug grave. No spotters needed when it's Mr. Nissen himself on the trampoline!

(voice-over): "Rest in peace, old friend."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Want time to stand still? Dave recommends attending a kids' birthday party with your son. ••• "An Earth Day Message from Exxon Mobil" / video:
(nature scenes)

(voice-over): "On April 22nd, as we all join together to honor and protect our planet, Exxon Mobil would like to wish everyone a happy Earth Day."

(shot of a leaking tanker that has spelled "Happy Earth Day" in crude oil in the ocean)

(voice-over): "Exxon Mobil: The Quicker Picker Upper."

••• commercial announcement:
(nature scene and corporate logo)

(voice-over by Alan Kalter): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Antelope Jerky™. Look at that son of a bitch run! Antelope Jerky™: It's tough. It's gamey. Antelope Jerky™! Now, back to you, Assface."

••• Dave shows an XBOX 360 game, "Madden 11," with Drew Brees on the cover. ••• Drew Brees presents the Top Ten Features of the New Madden NFL 11 Video Game. (including Shecky's Terrell Owens crying clip) ••• David Spade plugs Rules of Engagement. / shot of David's dad, Wayne, in the green room ••• Environmental Protection Agency admistrator Lisa P. Jackson interview ••• Broken Social Scene sing.

4/23/10 [3295]: Al Pacino plays Dr. Jack Kevorkian in You Don't Know Jack. We've had suicide machines in New York City for a long time. / video:

(clips of a cab ride that reminds one of the Dukes of Hazzard)
••• Dave asks Jerry Foley to split screen shots of Will Lee and an audience guy from Sweden. With their matching glasses, they're in the same ballpark, anyway. ••• King Tut's carcass and belongings are on display in New York City. / video:
(shot of Times Square)

(voice-over): "History comes alive in Times Square, with 'Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharoahs,' a rare chance to see King Tut's most prized possessions, including his jewels, his crown and the Hawaii Chair he purchased off late night television."

(infomercial footage): three babes bouncing around in the chairs

(animation): King Tut squirming around in his sarcophagus

(voice-over): " 'Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of the Pharoahs.' Good tickets still available."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: "We are the show with a heart," Dave reports. He has a bag of shirts, herring in wine sauce, tortes and dinner at 21 for Samuel and Josephine Lilja of Uppsala, Sweden. Dave claims they've been photographing military installations, and reminds us all that a few years ago he won the Aftonbladet. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Evening Tribune of Hornell, New York: "Corning man intoxicated when he drives to court to answer previous DWI charge"
  • The Chicago Reader of Chicago, Illinois: "squirrel underwear, $6.50" ("A place for the little fellow to keep his nuts," Dave observes.)
  • The Springfield News-Sun of Springfield, Ohio: "Schedule your vasectomy for March 18 and 19, and use your time off to watch the games."
  • The Newton Kansan of Newton, Kansas: "Good things to eat. 2 Free cats."
  • The Owatonna People's Press of Owatonna, Minnesota: "4 person Foldcraft brand restaurant booth. Was $100 new. Now only $150."
  • The Seward County Independent of Seward, Nebraska: "Brownie Mix - Original or Reduced Rat."
  • interruption: A shirtless body builder (Dave's tissue boy, Ricardo) offers him a Kleenex.
  • The Webster-Kirkwood Times of Webster Groves, Missouri: "Police were informed that an area family is taking over the minds of local dogs, and turning them against their owners."
  • The Portsmouth Herald of Portsmouth, New Hampshire: apartment listing: "1 bed, walk in kitchen, eat in closet."
  • The Greenville News of Greenville, South Carolina: The Waldrop-Owens wedding announcement has a photo of the bride-elect with a horse. Dave says, "Wow... that is... that's one sweet-talking horse."
••• more for the Swedish couple: Swedish fish and a handwritten certificate for two nights at Le Parker Meridien on 56th St., between 6th and 7th avenues ••• Kelsey Grammer plugs his Broadway play, Le Cage aux Folles. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave observes that if he were stuck in Sweden, no one would be taking care of him. ••• The house lights dim for a very special introduction of Jeff Altman. Dave itemizes Jeff's accomplishments, including, "has delighted dignitaries and heads of state on every continent (except Antarctica)." Jeff vetoes the microphone for stand-up comedy, and sits down for an interview. / Jeff favors us with his Richard Nixon impression before departing. ••• Hanson sing.

4/26/10 [3296]: monologue: Avatar is in stores now, but it's not in 3-D. / video: We see footage from a 50s-era space man movie. (You know, the kind with really ridiculous-looking helmets.) ••• The History Channel is running America: The Story of Us. / video:

(sappy intro music)

(voice-over): "1492: Columbus lands. 1776: We declare independence. 2010: Everyone's fat."

(closing credits)

••• It's the 5th anniversary of YouTube. / video:
(voice-over, along with YouTube clips): "As we celebrate our fifth anniversary, YouTube would like to take a moment to thank all those who have made this milestone possible:
  • the creepy guys,
  • the parents who feed their babies citrus fruit,
  • the people who tape their pets having sex with inanimate objects,
  • the freaks,
  • the nerds,
  • the fat nerds,
  • and this guy:
(clip of a poor dude who falls down on a treadmill and gets launched across the room)

(voice-over): "YouTube: Broadcast yourself."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Desk Chat: Dave wants to talk about electronic gadgets like the iPad™, Amazon's kindle™ and genius Stephen Hawking's caution on space aliens. (They might take advantage of us and deplete our resouces.) ••• Paul and the CBSO have a guest: the latest person booted from American Idol, Tim Urban. Dave visits with the 20-year-old Texan for a bit, and Tim sings into commercial. ••• Jerry rolls the latest opening montage for the Top Ten list. As we reach #1, that hub cap that flies off the cab wheel meals a beeline for Dr. Phil's noggin as he exits his limo near the Ed Sullivan Theater. Ouch. That's gotta sting a little. The doctor is out cold. ••• Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through George W. Bush's Mind As He Wrote His Memoirs ••• Dr. Phil McGraw ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jon Gruden of ESPN

4/27/10 [3297]: monologue: Happy 72nd birthday to Bernie Madoff. He has a new wife in prison. Her name is Walt. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 2 months, 0 days, 9 hours, 17 minutes, 44 seconds ••• interruption: Oh, boy, here we go again. "Todd" (Todd Seda) comes out during the monologue to watch Dave bombing. He offers to call somebody. Dave knows that the dude's employed by the show, but we're not quite sure why. ••• President Obama has a promotion for interactive health care. / video: "Sneeze now." (The president holds a Kleenex up to the screen.) ••• "Jack Kevorkian: The Early Years" / video:

(intro music and art card)

(voice-over): "Jack Kevorkian designed his suicide machine to end lives painlessly. Unfortunately, his earliest prototype wasn't quite painless."

(clip of a heavy-duty riding mower about to run over its soon-to-be victim)

(art card)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is An Alien ••• Courtney Love ••• Michael Caine plugs Harry Brown. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Stay tuned for more tips on removing chewing gum from upholstery." ••• more Michael Caine ••• Hole sing.

4/28/10 [3298]: cold open: Dave and Executive Producer Jude Brennan / video:

(Dave enters the green room.)

(Jude): "Oh... here's your coffee, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, great. Thank you very much, uh, Jude. I appreciate that."

(Dave takes a drink.)

(Dave, pointing to a giant economy size container of Clorox® on the counter): "Why is there a jug of bleach right there?"

(Jude): "I don't know."

(Dave): "You didn't put the bleach in my coffee, did you?"

(Jude): "No."

(Dave): "Great. Thanks."

(Cue opening montage.)

••• Dave hollers about an Australian guy in the audience being lit better than he is. ••• Archaelogists claim to have found Noah's Ark in Turkey. / Photoshop fun: The hull of the vessel says, "Life's a beach." ••• There was fighting this week in the Ukranian Parliament during a dispute over gas prices. / old movie footage: food fight at a high society event (just the The Three Stooges) ••• monologue: Today is Jay Leno's 60th birthday. He's very unhappy, however. He wants Conan's birthday. Anyway, they had a wonderful birthday party, and played Pin the Chin on the Donkey. ••• There has been a great deal of publicity over Senate committee hearings Tuesday involving Goldman Sachs, as Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) quoted the profane comments found in their e-mails, and many media quoted the Senator. This brings us to "Profane Moments in United States History." / video:
(voice-over): "March 4, 1933. Franklin Delano Roosevelt's first inauguration."

(Shecky's oft-used clip of Roosevelt's outdoor inaugural address)

(Roosevelt): "Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. You hear me, you whiny little sacks of (bleep tone)?"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Profane Moments in United States History.' "

••• Laura Bush is releasing her memoir, Spoken from the Heart, and makes the claim that George W. was poisoned on an overseas trip. / video:
(voice-over): "According to Laura Bush's new memoir, George W. Bush was poisoned in 2007 at the G8 Summit in Germany. The First Lady suspected the poisoning when her husband displayed alarming symptoms, including impaired judgment, difficulty speaking and loss of coordination."

(wacky George W. Bush clips, with cartoon music, slide whistle, etc.)

(voice-over): "Spoken from the Heart. Coming soon to bookstores everywhere."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's exhausted. He went over to Live with Regis and Kelly at 5 a.m. this morning to tape the appearance that will air on April 30, muttering something about sanitary procedures and delousing. He reports that Regis wouldn't shut up. He likes Kelly, however. Dave makes up some ridiculous story about Regis passing out and Heimliching himself. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Peninsula Daily News, Port Angeles, Washington: "Wedding dress. Worn once by accident."
  • Dalles Chronicle, The Dalles, Oregon: "Get this ad for free. Only $17 a week!"
  • Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Atlanta, Georgia: "Experienced Service Tech in residential and commercial. Must have all your teeth and able to speak in full sentences."
  • Winnegeg Free Press, Winnepeg, Manitoba: "6 healthy riding horses to give away to good farms. Can't hack the poop. Don't tell my wife."
  • Defiance Crescent News, Defiance, Ohio: "Heart Fund steak fry dinner."
  • Okawville Times, Okawville, Illinois: "A man got out of his car in Okawville Sunday and said he would rather walk to Louisville, Kentucky than to ride with his mother-in-law."
  • Mini Penny, Poteau, Oklahoma: "Wanted. Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. Please fax your info. You'll get paid after you get back. Must bring your own weapons."
  • Akron Hometowner, Akron, Ohio: Senior profile of Johnny Hansen, Jr.: "One of 'Johnny Boy's' most memorable moments is when he ate horse while he was in Europe."
  • The Citizen, Webster, Texas: "Free rabies vaccines. Bring the whole family."
  • Key Shopper's News, Swanton, Ohio: (grocery ad showing two bunches of bananas): "Yellow Curved Fruit, 39¢ per pound."
••• Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Nuts ••• Robert Downey, Jr. plugs Iron Man 2. / Dave zaps Dave Dorsett with Robert's Repulsor. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Robert Downey, Jr. ••• OK Go sing.

4/29/10 [3299]: The first all-dog night club has just opened in New York City. / video: We see doggies in dresses and suits, dancing, drinking and playing in a band. ••• People Weekly has published their list of the most beautiful people in the world. Julia Roberts is listed. Dave's farther down, right between Rod Blagojevich and Senator Levin. / photo of the handsome politicians ••• monologue: Happy 72nd birthday to Bernie Madoff. He has a new wife in prison. Her name is Walt. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 1 months, 29 days, 9 hours, 13 minutes, 6 seconds ••• interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum comes onstage with a homemade contraption. She apparently just watched You Don't Know Jack, about Dr. Jack Kevorkian, and she has a suicide machine of her own. Sue offers Dave the chance to take a spin. "I'll be waiting for you, Fat Boy," Sue advises. ••• NASA has found something on Mars. / video:

(voice-over): "NASA scientists believe they have found evidence of life on Mars: microscopic, single-celled organisms, similar to pond scum, as simple a life form as there could be. Oh, and they also found a giraffe."

(animation of a fire-breathing giraffe)

(voice-over): "Mars is for lovers."

••• Executives from Goldman Sachs testified before Congress recently. It was a little difficult to take them seriously. / C-SPAN video:
(questioner): "Why, how and when did you become convinced that there was a housing bubble on the verge of collapse?"

(respondent): He has his face stuffed full of a submarine sandwich.

(voice-over): "C-SPAN coverage of the Senate Subcommittee on Investigations will return after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has a little rant about coffee, eventually dragging his late Uncle Earl Hofert into the discussion. Dave receives the Late Show aaoogah censor horn. ••• The state of Arizona is in a storm of controversy, having recently implemented steps to identify illegal aliens. Cue card boy extraordinaire Tony Mendez, a Cuban immigrant, has some comments about the situation. Tony says "Governor Jan Brewer" in English, then begins one of his Spanish rants, dangerously agitated. Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim and another gent, attired in black suits, drag Tony offstage as cue cards fly. ••• desk chat: Dave claims he went into the green room during the commercial, looking for friendly faces. Some ignored him. Some scowled at him. Dave reports that he is crestfallen. ••• Top Ten Other Revelations in the Laura Bush Book ••• Paul ventures downstairs to the green room, unconvinced about the scowling issue. He gets the same treatment, and hurries back upstairs. ••• Gwyneth Paltrow plugs Iron Man 2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Gwyneth Paltrow ••• The cast of Broadway's American Idiot perform. It was astonishingly bad.

4/30/10 [3300]: monologue: Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner says we need a new $100 bill, because of counterfeiting. Dave wanted us to have a chance to see it before it goes to China. ••• monologue: Stephen Hawking believes in extraterrestrial life, and he worries about their intentions. Dave talked to an alien once. / photo: a bearded Joaquin Phoenix, in his 2/11/09 Late Show appearance ••• Laura Bush is releasing her memoir, Spoken from the Heart, which will be released on May 4. / video:

(voice-over): "Pick up Spoken from the Heart and see an entirely new side of Laura Bush. Just listen to what people are saying."

(George W. Bush, mumbling): "I not only read the book, I sat next to her at dinner last night. Uh, let me start over. I not only read her book, I sat next to her at dinner."

(voice-over): "Laura Bush: Smart women. Foolish choices."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave introduces our old friend, David Sanborn, who's sitting in on saxophone on a Friday night... just like the old days. His new CD is "Only Everything." ••• desk chat: The 136th running of the Kentucky Derby will be tomorrow. Dave offers his rendition of "and down the stretch they come." Al Chez plays the familiar trumpet piece you hear at the start of a race. ••• The annual White House Correspondents Dinner will be carried live on C-SPAN tomorrow night. Jay "Big Jaw" Leno will host. / video:
(voice-over): "Tune into C-SPAN tomorrow night for the 2010 White House Correspondents Dinner, with host Jay Leno. Don't miss a moment of the fun as Jay Leno brings his delightful brand of comedy to Washington, D. C., then forces Barack Obama out of office, to become president.

(Photoshop fun: Jay behind the desk in the Oval Office)

(voice-over): "President Jay Leno: It's about time."

••• interruption: Here we go again. It's Late Show writer Joe Grossman, looking absolutely adorable in his jockey outfit, in front of the backdrop. His outfit includes a tiny little bow tie.

(Paul): "David... behind you."

(Dave): "Is somebody over there?

(Paul): "Yes."

(Dave): "Oh, hi. You know who that is? That's one of our writers, Joe Grossman. Hi, Joe. What's goin' on?"

(Joe): "Well, I'm off."

(Dave): "Uh, OK."

(Joe): "Going to Kentucky for my big race.

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Joe, arms outstretched): "Hug for luck?

(Dave, shaking head "no"): "But I've never seen a cuter bow tie. OK... just go now."

(Joe tries to exit stage right, as usual.)

(Dave): "No, no. The way you came in. Good luck, Joe."

••• Dave picks up the phone for his annual call from Dave Johnson. / Gaines runs over to instruct Dave on the correct phone procedure. She thinks he failed to poke a button. / Dave calls for the tape, which clearly shows him starting with a button. / Still nothing. / Dave picks up the phone, points to it and says, "You see the indicator flashing, ladies and gentlemen? Even people in the Himalayas, where there is no hard line phone service, if you put this phone in front of them with a blinking line, they would know to press the damn button!" / Dave tries again. / Nothing. / Dave calls for something sharp, is handed scissors by Gaines, cuts the phone line and throws the phone through the backdrop. / glass-breaking FX ••• David Beckham of the Los Angeles Galaxy ••• Dave has the 1980s Touch Tone™ phone connected now. He gets Dave Johnson on the line for "and down the stretch they come!" ••• Dave shows Sanborn's CD. ••• Mike Birbiglia does stand-up. ••• The Hold Steady sing.

5/03/10 [3301]: monologue: "Oh... did you see the Kentucky Derby? What a race! I watched with Oprah and Jay." ••• monologue: There's an awful oil spill headed for the gulf states. "Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area?" Dave asks. Al and Tom in the horn section raise their hands, as directed, but Bruce Kapler was doing something with his saxophone and missed the question. When Al Chez gets his attention, Bruce raises his hand. ••• Explorers reported a few days ago having found the remains of Noah's Ark. / Photoshop fun: It's a Carnival® ship! ••• monologue: Conan O'Brien was on 60 Minutes last night to talk about the mess at NBC. Dave says, "But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And I... here's how I look at this: If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!" ••• Continental Airlines and United Airlines are merging. / video:

(voice-over): "Good news, America: United and Continental are merging! That means double the delays, double the price of checked bags and double the air rage. United and Continental: What are you gonna do, take Greyhound?"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The Kentucky Derby was run in heavy rain. / video: We see the horses coming down the stretch, when suddenly they all vanish into a pool of water. ••• desk chat: It was warm in the Northeast over the weekend. Dave has been in communication with his friend Darrell at the Institute for Meteorological Comfort in Scottsdale, Arizona. He provided Dave with some important information. Dave calls for Pat Farmer to bring out a blackboard. Our host presents a mini lecture, via the board:


where CAT = current average temperature and NAT = new average temperature

••• Paul Shaffer introduces Siobhan Magnus, the latest contestant voted off American Idol. Dave visits with her, and she sings. ••• desk chat: American Idol contestants ••• Top Ten BP Excuses ••• Mickey Rourke plugs Iron Man 2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave shows a picture of Mickey playing ping pong with his injured arm. ••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory.

5/04/10 [3302]: That good-for-nothing Faisal Shahzad has been arrested for trying to blow up Times Square with some barbecue propane and unleaded gasoline. We're already seeing changes as a result. / outside cam: There's a "NO BOMBS" sign on a light post. ••• Dave loves to talk about the Kentucky Derby, and guess what! He has a photo of 5' 5" Mayor Michael Bloomberg as a jockey in the Derby. ••• monologue: "Now experts say... the FBI is saying... potentially this could be the biggest bomb on Broadway since Peter Pan, starring Kirstie Alley." / Photoshop fun: Kirstie as Peter ••• monologue: Famous dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in town. Dave wisecracks that it's not really his kind of town, since everybody in New York is either gay or Jewish. Paul Shaffer interrupts to report that he is Jewish! "Me, too," Dave says. ••• Mayor Michael Bloomberg came from a formal event in Washington, D. C. when the bomb plot was uncovered. / animation: The mayor's bowtie spins! It's his own little propeller! ••• "Get to Know the Times Square Bombing Suspect" / video:

(theme): "Getting to Know You"

(voice-over): "The suspect's name is Faisal Shahzad. A Pakistani-American citizen, he was living a quiet life in Connecticut. Neighbors described him as shy, except on the Fourth of July, when he'd celebrate by blowing up a tool shed."

(animation): Kaboom in the back yard!

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Times Square Bombing Suspect.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave likes U2's "Beautiful Day," which the CBSO played during the commercial. It's one of their best. ••• The source of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is British Petroleum. Dave takes a moment to make fun of their cute flower logo. ••• "Small Town News"
  • Janesville Gazette, Janesville, Wisconsin: "Phillips Sonicare elite electric toothbrush, like new."
  • Wichita Eagle, Wichita, Kansas: "Free dinner with weight loss workshop."
  • Stephenville Empire-Tribune, Stephenville, Texas "Rooms for Rent: TSU Roomates [sic] / horses OK."
  • Daytona Beach News-Journal, Daytona Beach, Florida: "Man attempts to exit store with pork in pants."
  • Beloit Daily News, Beloit, Wisconsin: "Chirping mystery solved by cop." (low smoke detector battery)
  • Tallahassee Democrat, Tallahassee, Florida: "Second Annual Capital Regional Medical Center Health Fair: In celebration of World Breastfeeding Week: handouts, demonstrations and free samples."
  • Heartland Sun-Times, Sebring, Florida: "Jesus Returns Friday, 7:30 P.M."
••• Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways to Fix the Oil Spill ••• Russell Crowe plugs Robin Hood. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Russell Crowe ••• Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings sing.

5/05/10 [3303]: interruption: Alan Kalter is all messed up. Is he bloody? What disaster has befallen him this time? Dave wonders if Alan's been helping clean up the gigantic oil spill on the Gulf Coast. Nope. When questioned about his mishap, Big Red informs Dave that it's none of his business. ••• monologue: Dave says,"Listen to this. Today... today... and I don't want to alarm anybody, they spotted another smoking vehicle in Times Square. Yeah. But it turned out to be Willie Nelson's tour bus." ••• The British Petroleum people are trying to put a positive spin on the oil spill off the Gulf Coast. They've put together "BP Presents the Bright Side of the Oil Spill." / video:

(enhanced satellite photo of earth, with cutesy intro tune)

(voice-over): "From space, it looks like the earth has a stylish goatee. This has been 'BP Presents the Bright Side of the Oil Spill.' "

••• "Man on the Street Reactions to the Oil Spill" / video:
(voice-over):

"Seth Harris, Brooklyn: 'It's an appalling environmental disaster.'
Lisa Forrester, Manhattan: 'BP must be held fully accountable.'
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran: 'Can't talk now — I've got Mamma Mia! tickets.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about his interactions with Jungle Jack Hanna in the past. He vows to keep quiet tonight, and not pick on Jack. Right. As a further peace offering, Dave introduces "Our Favorite Jack Hanna Moments." / video montage:
(voice-over):

"February 2010: Jack's adorable baby anteater bites Dave.
November 2006: Jack introduces Dave to a giant snake.
May 2005: One of Jack's bald eagles attacks Paul Shaffer."

(FX): The eagle picks up Paul behind his organ and flies away with him.

(Paul): screams as his first eagle abduction gets underway

(voice-over): "This has been 'Our Favorite Jack Hanna Moments.' "

••• Top Ten Things Overheard at BP Headquarters ••• Jungle Jack Hanna brings out a bottle-fed baby bison, a giant woodpecker, an amazing 11-month-old Siberian lynx, a South American buzzard and a bottle-fed tiger from India. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kerry Washington plugs Mother and Child. ••• Willie Nelson sings.

5/06/10 [3304]: desk chat: Dave reveals that he has a part in Iron Man 2. / video:

(various clips from the film)

(voice-over): "Iron Man is back for an all-new adventure you won't want to miss. Starring Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man, Mickey Rourke as Vanko, and featuring David Letterman..."

(Dave): "That guy's beatin' the crap outta Iron Man!"

(clip of Dave being killed by a crashing Indy car)

(voice-over): "...as an innocent bystander who gets crushed by a piece of debris."

••• desk chat: Dave recaps Biff Henderson's unfortunate football injury on February 8, namely, tripping on the stage steps going out for a football pass from Dave). / Biff comes out to tell the story in his own words, along with a clip. It's great to have him back on the set! Dave presents a dozen roses to his recovering stage manager. ••• Brian Williams depresses us all with news stories of doom and gloom. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Beth Ostrosky Stern plugs new her book, Oh My Dog. ••• Court Yard Dogs sing.

5/07/10 [3305]: What happened in the preshow questions? Dave has a fairly impressive alfalfa during the monologue. ••• interruption: Tony Mendez realizes that one of his cue cards is out of place. Dave pretends Tony is shuffling cards like a blackjack dealer. ••• interruption: Production assistant Michael Z. McIntee, playing an INS agent, comes out in a suit. He needs to check Dave's immigration papers. Dave can't resist mentioning that Mike's wearing one of his ties. Dave gets to stay, but with a warning. ••• Iron Man 2 opened today, and we have a clip that'll show the fantastic special effects. / video: It's a killer robot from an old black & white movie. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Mother's Day is Sunday. Dave says that he only visits with his mom about three things: the weather, her garden and her cat. Unfortunately the cat kicked the bucket a while back, so now they're down to two discussion topics. ••• live via satellite to Indianapolis to visit with Dave's mom, Dorothy / Dave gets Dorothy to tell a story about him. It seems that when Dave was about three, he hollered out a car window, smooth-talking some young girls, "Hi, pretty girls." As always, she won't bite on the bait to name Harry J. Letterman as her favorite grandchild. Dorothy presents the Top Ten list. Since it's a special occasion, I swiped all ten entries from Worldwide Pants, Inc.

Top Ten Pieces of Advice for Being a Good Mother

10. Even if you're not, say you're proud.
9. Don't stare at the hairpiece.
8. Kids love construction sites.
7. Lower your expectations.
6. When you child won't stop crying, say, "Enough, David, you're 63."
5. To keep baby company, how about a raccoon?
4. If he learns to shoot pool, he'll never go hungry.
3. There's no better babysitter than television.
2. No matter how much he begs, don't go to the prom with him.
1. Once they're 18, they ain't your problem.

••• Amanda Peet tells about her daughter, Molly June (born on April 19), and plugs Please Give. We get to see video of baby Molly. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Now leave me alone. I've got stuff to do!" ••• Nick Griffin does stand-up. ••• Wale sings. His name is officially pronounced Wah LAY. It's a nickname, as his given name is Olubowale Victor Akintimehin.

5/10/10 [3306]: "Biggest Oil Spills of All Time" / video:

(voice-over): "2010: The BP spill leaks at least 210,000 gallons of crude oil each day. 1989: The Exxon Valdez spill kills up to a quarter million sea birds and animals. 1981: An Oil of Olay™ spill leaves 100,000 otters with fresh, young, kissably-soft skin."

(SPFX): sparklies on an otter

(voice-over): "This has been the 'Biggest Oil Spills of All Time.' "

••• Faisal Shahzad tried to blow up Times Square with a car bomb. There's videotape of him trying to buy fireworks. / video:
(surveillance footage of a parking lot)

(voice-over): "A fireworks store in Pennsylvania has released security camera footage that allegedy shows Faisal Shahzad purchasing fireworks for the Times Square car bomb. And while authorities weren't certain at first that the video was authentic, they knew it depicted the incompetent bomber when they saw this."

(clip): the would-be terrorist bouncing off the doors of a convenience store

(voice-over): "Faisal Shahzad: Pakistan's most adorable idiot."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he switched a month ago from a PC to a Macintosh computer. ••• BP Petroleum tried to cap an oil source on the ocean floor by placing a giant, heavy box over it. This brings us to "Why the Containment Dome Didn't Work with Harold Larkin." / video:
Harold, the head carpenter, is on 53rd Street across from the Roseland Theater.

(Harold, holding a water hose on full blast): "This is the oil leak."

(Harold, placing a styrofoam cup over the water): "This is the containment dome."

(The cup shoots off to Parts Unknown.)

(Harold): "Huh. Go figure!"

••• Paul Shaffer introduces Aaron Kelly, the latest bootee from American Idol, who visits with Dave and sings "My Girl." ••• outside cam: Eddie Valk in an Iron Man outfit presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy Dressed as Iron Man. ••• Evangeline Lilly plugs Lost. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sam Rockwell plugs Iron Man 2. ••• the cast of Million Dollar Quartet ••• with credits: Alan Kalter says goodbye.

5/11/10 [3307]: Neil Jason is sitting in for Will Lee. ••• Dr. Phil was on Oprah on May 7, and a barber shaved off his mustache of 40 years. He has a whole new image. / photo: Howie Mandel ••• LeBron James will be a free agent at the end of the NBA Playoffs. / "Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York" / video:

(intro music): "New York, New York"

(voice-over): "Reason #17: People rub up against you on the subway. This has been 'Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York.' "

••• The Gulf of Mexico may have to be drained because of the terrible oil spill, compliments of British Petroleum. / video:
(voice-over): "BP knows that the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is a terrible disaster; however, it's also a tremendous opportunity! For a modest fee, BP will arrange the oil slick to spell out your own personal message! Great slots open through at least 2012. Call now. BP: We deliver for you."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave delivers a big plate of mashed potatoes for a man in the audience. ••• "2010 Commencement Speakers" / video:
(music): Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance"

(voice-over): "May 9th: Hampton University welcomed President Obama. May 17th: Meryl Streep will deliver the commencement address at Barnard College. And, May 24th, David Letterman will address the graduates of the Duluth Institute of Vending Machine Repair. These are your 2010 Commencement Speakers."

••• Dave visits via satellite with Dallas Braden of the Oakland Athletics, as he is in Arlington, Texas. Dallas pitched a perfect game vs. the Rangers on May 9. This was the 19th perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball. / Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Dallas Braden's Mind While He Threw His Perfect Game ••• desk chat: Dave shows his bogus player card from his days in Mexican baseball. ••• Queen Latifah plugs Just Right. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a promo for Close-Up Magic Week next week ••• Will Forte plugs MacGruber. / clip of Gerard Mulligan on 53rd Street, killing Will with a snow shovel ••• MGMT sings. (MGMT played a Web concert earlier today.)

5/12/10 [3308]: Neil Jason is sitting in for Will Lee. ••• Larry King's not getting a divorce after all. / video: distraught babes in the balcony (x2) ••• A man in Nebraska, Osama bin Charmin, has been wrapping himself up in toilet paper and robbing people. We have footage. / video: a black and white zombie movie, with gunplay ••• Mayor Bloomberg is looking for ways to make Times Square more secure. / "Times Square Terror Update" / video:

(voice-over): "To prevent another terrorist incident in Midtown Manhattan, until further notice, only one person will be allowed into Times Square at a time."

(clip): one lone person running down Broadway, approaching 45th Street

(voice-over): "This has been a 'Times Square Terror Update.' "

••• It looks like we'll get a Supreme Court justice from New York City: Elena Kagan. / Photoshop fun: An ad on a bus says, "Accidents. Peronal injury. Bankruptcy. Call today! Elena Kagan. ••• LeBron James will be a free agent at the end of the NBA Playoffs. / "Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York" / video:
(intro music): "New York, New York"

(voice-over): "Reason #12: Foul-mouthed local news anchors."

(clip): Sue Simmons of FOX 4 using the mother-of-all-cuss words on co-anchor Chuck Scarborough on May 12, 2008

(voice-over): "This has been 'Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The Late Show college interns are about to finish their duties. Dave recites a phony list of successful broadcasters who've interned with him, then runs a ½-second shot of the interns. ••• There's a knockoff of the wildly-successful Iron Man 2. / video:
(voice-over): "In a nation gripped by fear, one man can alter destiny and save humankind. This fall... he's the man we have all been waiting for."

(clip): some sort of heroic-looking robot

(music): Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs"

(voice-over): "Iron Manilow: In theaters Labor Day weekend."

••• Top Ten Surprises at the Senate Oil Spill Hearing ••• desk chat: Dave announces Close-up Magic Week, next week on the Late Show. ••• Michael Keaton plugs Toy Story 3. Dave's old friend surprises him with a very sporty pair of Starbucks® wristbands. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jenna Fischer plugs Solitary Man. ••• good night from Alan Kalter

5/13/10 [3309]: Neil Jason is sitting in for Will Lee. ••• animation: Gulf of Mexico oil spill (dancing oil blobs on the ocean's floor) ••• "Harry Smith's colonoscopy" (video of the black & white movie with cave explorers) ••• "Mets Fever: Catch It!" / video: Keith Hernandez is asleep on the job. A lady notices he's on camera, and wakes him up. ••• LeBron James will be a free agent at the end of the NBA Playoffs. / "Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York" / video:

(intro music): "New York, New York"

(voice-over): "Reason #9: Unexpected encounters with fellow New Yorkers."

(clip): An unfortunate pedestrian is hit by an SUV. While still airborne after the impact, the poor bastard is finished off by a taxicab in the opposite lane.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Spencer from Palmdale, California asked Dave a week ago why they never dropped stuff off the roof anymore. The long dry spell ends tonight. /
Weather Report: 63° F, 37% humidity, barometer 30.36 (steady), wind SW at 4 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Pat Farmer and quite a crew of stagehands are on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater building. The crew has a wooden prototype of the Stuff Launcher. The crew can set up the experimental payload on the launcher's giant shelf. At the time of launch they tip the thing, and the experimental stuff heads earthward, accelerating at 32 feet per second2. [First up are 20 magnums of Cook's champagne. / replays]
••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the Miss USA Pageant ••• [experiment #2: a 55-gallon drum of Superballs (Spectacular!)] ••• [experiment #3: 400 pounds of flour / replay] ••• Alec Baldwin plugs 30 Rock. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / promo for Close-up Magic Week, all next week ••• [roof cam / experiment #4: 100 watermelons and 15 five-gallon jugs of water] ••• The National sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/14/10 [3310]: Will Lee is back. ••• It's the time of year when Iron Man changes from titanium to seersucker. ••• Now that the volcano season is over, it's time to hit the road and travel. Here's a commercial for "Uncle Bob's Wild Tick Park." / video:

(photo): a happy young family

(voice-over): "Looking for the perfect summer getaway? Take the whole family to Uncle Bob's Wild Tick Park. Wander through our tall grass, where you'll meet millions of adorable deer ticks, dog ticks, Rocky Mountain wood ticks and more. Pet them. Play with them. Let them crawl on you. You won't want to say goodbye, and neither will the ticks! Uncle Bob's Wild Tick Park... Old Lyme, Connecticut.

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Antibiotics available!"

••• The Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad, wasn't very good. He did a dry run, then left his keys in the car. / video:
(voice-over): "Are you ready to take your jihad to the next level? Consider the Pakistani Bomb Training Academy. You'll learn shoddy wiring, vague lessons in chemistry and shoddy timer assembly. Nobody turned away, no matter how incompetent. 97% of our graduates are in custody. The Pakistani Bomb Training Academy: Apply today."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave plugs Close-up Magic Week (next week on the Late Show), and makes a coin disappear off his desk. ••• "Guys Who Look Like Dave" /
  • From The Forum of Fargo, North Dakota, it's new University of Nebraska-Omaha men's hockey coach Dean Blais.
  • From the Original Irregular of Kingfield, Maine, it's Dave Labelle.
  • From the Chicago Sun-Times, it's retired businessman Jerry Rich.
  • From St. Paul, Minnesota, it's school board candidate Pat Igo.
  • From Escondido, California, it's Ted Stevenson.
  • From a medical institute ad, it's Jeffrey Live, M.D.
  • From Pennsylvania, it's U. S. Congressman Paul Kanjorski.
  • From a 1970s baseball card, it's Cleveland Indians pitcher Jim Kern.
••• Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image ••• Mike Myers plugs Shrek Forever After. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Dreesen plugs his one-man show for this summer, "An Evening of Laughter and Memories with Sinatra."

5/17/10 [3311]: It's Monday of Close-up Magic Week on the Late Show. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter's all beat up. He looks like he's been run through a Troy-Bilt® Chipper Shredder. Dave wonders if he's been on the Survivor island. When questioned, Alan gives Dave a censored answer. ••• LeBron James will be a free agent at the end of the NBA Playoffs. / "Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York" / video:

(intro music): "New York, New York"

(voice-over): "Reason #36: Regis Philbin is always willing to lend a hand when you need help disposing of a body."

(clip from 11/24/09): A well-dressed Regis is seen depositing a suspicious-looking black bag into a dumpster.

(Regis, looking into the dumpster): "Regis did this!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Reasons LeBron James Should Come to New York.' "

••• The series finale of Lost is on Sunday. There's a sequel. / video:
(voice-over): "Lost is coming to an end, but the mystery lives on in a new spinoff series. This time your favorite characters are so lost, camera crews can't even find them."

(clip)

(voice-over): "From the creators of Lost: Loster. Coming this fall."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave and family went to Florida to watch the shuttle Atlantis launch on Friday. He loved it, and thinks NASA should charge admission. Dave shows a picture of the crew, and names each one. ••• American Idol bootee Michael Lynche visits with Dave and sings. ••• Jason Randal begins Close-up Magic Week. ••• Matthew Fox plugs Lost. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "I wish you could experience how great I smell right now." ••• more Matthew Fox ••• The Zack Brown Band sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/18/10 [3312]: "What Will Happen on the Lost Finale" / video:

(eerie music)

(Matthew Fox in the green room on 5/17/10): "Honestly, I stopped watching in Season Three."

••• Scientists have discovered a frog with an inflatable nose. / photo: Rush Limbaugh ••• There was a swarm of bees at the White House. They wanted to see Obama's birth certificate. / Shecky footage: bees all over the face of "Joe Biden" ••• Iceland's volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, is still erupting. / video:
(clip of the volcano)

(voice-over): "Iceland's volcano is still erupting, but it's no longer the biggest environmental disaster. Now Iceland is teaming up with BP to create this summer's top catastrophe: Oil Volcano."

(clip of a really nasty oil volcano)

(voice-over): "A Lorimar production."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Dave Explains Lost": "Somethin' ain't right on that island," Dave observes. ••• "Dr. Phil's Mustache: Where Is It Now?" / video:
(clip of Oprah shaving Dr. Phil)

(voice-over): "Last week Dr. Phil shaved off his trademark mustache on a special episode of Oprah. Where is Dr. Phil's mustache now?"

(clip of Oprah's set)

(voice-over): "After the Oprah taping, it was swept up and flushed down a slop sink backstage."

(photo of a mustache in a slop sink)

(voice-over): "Several hours later, it washed ashore near its new home of Bayonne, New Jersey, where it was discovered by a lovely local named Denise."

(photo of the mustache on Denise's shoulder)

(voice-over): "You can now find it on Twitter, DJing at area nightclubs or tirelessly rehearsing for the next season of Dancing with the Stars."

(clip of the mustache dancing to "The Hustle")

(voice-over): "This has been 'Dr. Phil's Mustache: Where Is It Now?' "

••• onstage: Miss USA, Rima Fakih, presents the Top Ten Things I Want to Do as Miss USA. ••• John Carney does close-up magic. ••• Jonah Hill plugs Get Him to the Greek. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Jonah Hill ••• Janelle Monáe sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/19/10 [3313]: Neil Jason is in for Will Lee. ••• interruption: A page is leading a blindfolded man (OK... Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim) to a seat in the audience. ••• BP's oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is affecting marine life. / video: It's a Big Mouth Billy Bass (one of those battery-operated gadgets mounted on a plaque), all slimed up with crude oil, coughing its guts out. ••• Regis Philbin had an operation to get rid of a pesky clot in his leg. / video: Some reborn critter from a horror movie = Regis with no make-up. ••• interruption: Dave wonders what Alan Kalter is up to. He has a big glass bowl of tar balls, and he's chowing down on the nasty things, fresh from the beaches of Florida. ••• "Regis Philbin Highlight of the Night" / video:

(Regis, to Kelly, on Live): "...and then they had to shave my groin."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat / split screen: Dave thinks he looks like Professor Irwin Corey. ••• desk chat: Dave tells about spending time at a pond with Harry. There was a giant turtle that Harry wanted to catch with tomatoes and spinach. Guess what! There was a big splash, and they caught it! (Except Dave says that wasn't true.) ••• Lost Executive Producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse present the Top Ten Spoilers in the Lost Finale. ••• magician Johnny Ace Palmer ••• Russell Brand plugs Get Him to the Greek. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Stone Temple Pilots sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/20/10 [3314]: DAVECON 2010 TONIGHT ••• Neil Jason is in for Will Lee, who is in Belgium. ••• Regis is having an operation for some kind of clot. Have you seen Regis in the morning without make-up? / video: It's footage of a shriveled horror movie creature. ••• Have you seen Dave in the morning without make-up? / video: It's footage of a shriveled horror movie creature. ••• There was a state dinner in the White House for Mexican President Felipe Calderon. Numerous celebrities of Mexican descent were invited. / video:

(footage of lots of people in tuxedos)

(voice-over): "The Obamas' second state dinner had a Mexican theme. The guest of honor were the President and First Lady of Mexico. Inviteees included Eva Longoria Parker, George Lopez and Michaele and Tareq Salahi."

(clip of the Salahis entering, both with huge mustaches and sombreros)

(voice-over): "The White House: What's in your wallet?"

••• The Lost series finale will run this weekend. Dave's having a party, by the way. Jay Leno and Oprah will be there. / "Lost Series Recap" / video: (clips from the series)

(voice-over): "Plane crashes on island. Weird s*** happens. Everybody dies."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights: "Please have your television viewing license out and ready for inspection." ••• Dave has been cast in a new fall show on NBC. / video:
(voice-over): "From the creators of Law & Order comes a searing new drama about people facing overwhelming adversity."

(Dave, in a Pants jacket, searching a living room): "Ronnie. Hey ho. Ronnie. Ronnie. Ronnnnie."

(Dave, facing the audience, screaming): "I can't find my monkey!"

(voice-over): "Law & Order: Missing Monkey Unit: Coming this fall to NBC."

••• Akio Toyoda comes onstage to address recent issues with his beleaguered company.

(Toyoda, dignified): "Arigato, Cocosan. I would like to apologize to America for recent problems."

(Toyoda, angrily): "Of course, the real problem is you whiny little babies are too scared to drive Toyota rocket cars. Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah. Poor scared babies. Ooooh, rocket car too fast. No brakes. Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah. Next Toyota monster trucks eat poor little whiny cry baby Americans. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah!! Rocket cars too fast. Wah. Wah. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Chomp. Congratulations to British Petroleum. Nice going oil-sucking, limey pigs. Chomp Chomp Chomp. Ha ha ha ha. I'm going home."

(Toyoda bows.)

(Dave, puzzled): "Those aren't the notes I received. ••• Top Things Overheard at the White House State Dinner ••• magician Steve Cohen ••• Katherine Heigl plugs Killers. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: The intern, Todd, (Todd Seda) and mother are here for the meet and greet. ••• Band of Horses sing. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/21/10 [3315]: British Petroleum has been trying schemes to stop the oil leak they created in the Gulf of Mexico. Here's a summary. / video:

(various offshore drilling pictures)

(voice-over): "After a four-story steel containment unit failed to stem the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, engineers planned to attempt to cover the overlfowing well with a somewhat taller container, called a top hat. If this fails, the next means for closing off the well will be a shoe, an iron and a thimble."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "The BP oil spill. From Parker Brothers."

••• Arizona is down to host the next All-Star Game, but given their immigration policy, conditions are being placed on the state.
(voice-over): "Arizona's the place to be for the 2011 midsummer classic! All your favorites will be there, like Albert Puholz..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Still waiting to see his papers."

(voice-over): "...Alex Rodriguez..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "... being held in Utah..."

(voice-over): "Members of the high-flying Blue Jays..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Detained at the border."

(voice-over): "And throwing out the first pitch will be President Obama."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Still need to see his birth certificate."

(voice-over): "Baseball Fever: Catch it!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has a rant, and the topic is a malfunctioning DVR player that messed up a plan to watch a movie with Harry. The pesky machine ate a DVD, and Dave took a hammer to the machine and broke it to smithereens. ••• Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Graduating College ••• magician Michael Ammar ••• Ashton Kutcher plugs Killers. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan encourages contributions to The Community Foundation of Middle Tenneessee. ••• more Ashton Kutcher ••• Brooks & Dunn, with Reba McEntyre ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/24/10 [3316]: monologue: The stock market's a mess. Dave used to have all his money in a mini golf place, but now he has it in an airline. / photo: We see a heavy Oceanic Airways jet just after its fuselage has broken in half. The plane's going to be in an ocean very, very soon. ••• interruption: A gentleman dressed in a suit hollers over to Dave. He opens the door at stage left to reveal a room lit so brightly that all we see is light. "Dave, it's time," he says. It turns out the Rudy finished fixing a leak in the alley. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants us to know that he cares if we had a nice weekend. Clearly Dave's been doing some thinking about this. Paul is assigned to name talk show hosts, and we'll now learn whether or not they care.

  • Craig Kilborn? Does not care.
  • Craig Ferguson? Does not care. He has an accent. Those people generally don't care.
  • Jimmy Fallon? He likes to Twitter, to create the impression that he cares.
  • Jimmy Kimmel? He cares a little bit.
  • Arsenio Hall? He's retired.
  • Jay Leno? Dave laughs uproariously. He cares about cars. He has more of 'em than Hertz®!
••• outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert for a quick visit / Dave wants to know if the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is affecting his business, and especially his seafood. Nope. He's still using seafood he bought in 2004. This has been a "Rupert Jee Komedy Klassic." ••• Top Ten Sarah Ferguson Excuses ••• Jake Gyllenhaal plugs Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. ••• desk chat: A number of times, we've seen Dave take the Late Show scissors to a tie with the narrow end left too long. This brings us to a long-overdue segment, "Dave's Tie Ends: Where Are They Now?" / video:
(peppy theme music)

(clip of Dave neatly trimming a tie)

(voice-over): "Another discarded tie end from television host David Letterman. Just a piece of colorful silk trash? No, sir!"

(clip of Costume Designer Sue Hum passing off tie ends to two uniformed Boy Scouts)

(voice-over): "Each month, Mr. Letterman's accumulated tie ends are collected from the theater by local Boy Scouts, and brought to this reclamation facility in the Bronx. Here, the tie ends are cleaned, to remove the odors of gin and aftershave. Next, skilled crafts people get to work with needle and thread. Soon, Dave's old tie ends are reborn... as miniature neckties for kitties!"

(photo of a cat in a dark suit and white shirt, with one of Dave's ties)

(voice-over): "Thanks, Dave. Or, should I say, 'Meow, Dave.' "

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dr. Edward B. Overton of NOAA visits with Dave about the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. He's an Emeritus Professor of Environmental Science at Louisiana State University.

5/25/10 [3317]: Katie Couric is anchoring the CBS Evening News from the Gulf of Mexico. / photo: Katie has crude oil all over her. ••• "Marine Life Reacts to the Oil Spill" / video: A giant octopus kills a dude. ••• monologue interruption: Michaele and Tareq Salahi come out by Dave for a photo op. Creative Directors, Digital Media Jay Johnson and Walter Kim take their pictures. ••• ••• The series finale of Lost was seen over the weekend. There's a sequel. / video:

(voice-over): "Lost is coming to an end, but the mystery lives on in a new spinoff series. This time your favorite characters are so lost, camera crews can't even find them."

(clip)

(voice-over): "From the creators of Lost: Loster. Coming this fall."

••• "Paula Abdul: What?" / video:
(voice-over): "Paula Abdul is coming to CBS for the new show, Got to Dance. Paula's role will be mentor to the dancers, so young hopefuls will get advice such as this:

(Paula): "Is that what it is? I was wondering, 'What is that?' "

(voice-over): "Paula Abdul: What?"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "I love that new TV smell." ••• desk chat: Dave, co-owner of Rahal Letterman Racing, proudly announces that Bobby Rahal's son, Graham, will start the Indianapolis 500 on the inside of Row 3 on Sunday. / photo / Dave will be in the pits. ••• The Piedmont Bird Callers will be in tomorrow. Tonight we have the winner of the Piedmont Bird Look-Alike Contest, Elliot Rosen, with us onstage. (or maybe it's writer Joe Grossman) The bird is a dark-eyed junko. ••• British Petroleum has screwed up the Gulf for years. They have a hotline where people can call in with suggestions. / audio: It's Dave's old friend, Jeff Altman, pretending to be various wise-guy callers. For example: "You know, you get me a C clamp, two Johnson rods and a fish line, and I'll do the whole thing for three hundred bucks." ••• Aboard the U.S.S. Intrepid in New York Harbor, members of the Navy, Marines and Coast Guard present the Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Joining the Military. / Presenters are:
10. Petty Officer, First Class John Belli
9. Petty Officer, Third Class Melissa Robinson
8. First Lieutenant Jason Collins
7. Petty Officer, First Class Michael Scalia
6. Corporal Brady Sullivan
5. Ensign Naomi Reynolds
4. Petty Officer, Third Class Tamika Whaley
3. Lieutenant, Junior Grade Jasmine Barnard
2. Petty Officer, Second Class Sade Moore
1. Lieutenant Commander Jason Aleksec
••• Sarah Jessica Parker plugs Sex and the City 2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Stay with us, Scooter!" ••• interruption: The one shot on Dave pulls back to reveal our friend, Todd Seda, in front of the desk, pushing a heavily-loaded mail cart. /
(Dave): "Yes, I'm sorry. Can I help you?"

(Todd): "I'm Todd, the mailroom guy.

(Dave): "Hi, Todd. How're you doin'? You know, we're right in the middle of a show here, Todd.

(Todd): "I'm sorry, but I got all your hate mail. Uh, should I... should I just leave it with the rest?

(Dave): "Yeah, and thanks for bringing it right out here where everybody can see it. I appreciate it."

(Todd): "It's not like it's a secret."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Todd, looking at the camera with a big smile): "You folks at home know what I mean. Good night, everybody!"

••• The Black Keys sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/26/10 [3318]: British Petroleum has found ways to make money on the oil spill mess they've made in the Gulf of Mexico. / video:

(cookout clip)

(voice-over): "Ready to fire up the grill? This summer, say goodbye to boring old charcoal briquettes..."

(photo: giant red X over the briquettes bag)

(voice-over): "and switch to new BP Tar Balls®."

(photo: bag of BP Tar Balls®)

(voice-over): "Freshly harvested from the Gulf of Mexico, BP Tar Balls' toxic hydrocarbons and volatile chemical compounds make any grilled meat spill-ilicious! Try new BP Tar Balls® and turn your next barbecue into a tarbecue!.

••• "Justin Bieber: Ouch" / video: The pop sensation somehow manages to conk his head on a revolving door. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Piedmont Bird Callers
  • Katharine Harley, Anna Kritikos and Sarah Siskind: Northern Gannet
  • Angelica Kong, Devyn Duffy and Tom Erik Haugen: Tundra Swan
  • Andrew Moorhead, Emma Nicholls and Zachary Piser: Irish Red-Billed Chough (from Ireland)
  • As usual, I shamelessly swiped the exact spellings of the callers' names from Mike McIntee's Wahoo Gazette.
••• Mr. Warmth, Don Rickles, plugs Toy Story 3. / video: Don drops his pants and fires off a rocket. NASA engineers cheer the successful launch. (Don's 84 years old now.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Spit out the gum. Right now. That's better. ••• more Don Rickles ••• John Prine with Yim Yames ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/27/10: REPEAT FROM 4/28/10

5/28/10: REPEAT FROM 3/29/10

5/31/10: REPEAT FROM 5/12/10

6/01/10: REPEAT FROM 5/20/10

6/02/10: REPEAT FROM 5/21/10

6/03/10: REPEAT FROM 4/07/10

6/04/10: REPEAT FROM 5/04/10

6/07/10 [3319]: Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time over the weekend. / video: distraught females in the balcony (x4) ••• interruption: Our friend Todd Seda strolls onstage. He's selling Girl Scout cookies. They're $20. When questioned, Todd reports that he's 40 years old. He makes the sale for $40, and Dave observes that he's certainly a lovely little thing. ••• monologue: "There's so much tar in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans are walking to Miami." ••• White House reporter Helen Thomas opened her big mouth about Israel, and everyone she knows is distancing themselves from her. She responds to her comments. / video:

(voice-over): "In a recent interview, columnist Helen Thomas made some unfortunate remarks about Israel. When asked to explain herself, Ms. Thomas gave this response."

(clip of an old hag in Throw Momma from the Train): "Get away from me, you horse's ass."

(voice-over): "Helen Thomas: Rated PG-13 for language and violence."

••• We have the official marriage announcement for Rush Limbaugh. / video:
(Pachelbel's Canon in D Major)

(voice-over): "Rush Limbaugh wed Kathryn Rogers in a quiet Florida ceremony on Saturday. The bridegroom is a controversial radio host and an influencial opinion leader in the conservative movement in the United States. The bride is clearly insane. This has been 'A New York Times Wedding Announcement.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has been taking time on weekends to read to kids at the local library. Recently people at the library asked for parents to come in with 30-minute Powerpoint™ presentations about journeys they've taken. Dave had no idea what that meant, but his staff came to the rescue and fixed him up, based on Dave's September 2003 bear-in-the-kitchen story from Montana. During time for questions, a little boy asked Dave, "Have you ever seen a bunny?" ••• interruption: Dave gets a phone call. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(intoxicated good old boy caller... Jeff Altman, to be exact): "Uh, yeah, is this Bob's Big Boy?"

(Dave): "No. I'm sorry."

(good old boy): "How late are you open?"

(Dave): "We're not open. This is not... we're not open. This is not Bob's Big Boy. This is a... it's... it's a television show."

(good old boy): "Yeah. Well, in that case, let me speak to Loni Anderson."

(Dave): "Loni Anderson is not here, sir."

(good old boy): "Yeah, well, of course. What the hell would she be doing hanging around Bob's Big Boy, you nitwit?"

••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Rush Limbaugh's Wedding ••• interruption: It's another phone call from Jeff Altman. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(good old boy): "Uh... this Fudruckers?"

(Dave): "No. No, this is not Fudruckers."

(good old boy): "Yeah. Yeah. Do, do, do you have a banquet room?"

(Dave): "Well, like, how many?"

(good old boy): "How many goddamned banquet rooms does a guy need?"

(Dave): "Well... no. I'm sorry. There's been some kind of confusion. And now I, I know you're the guy who called a few minutes ago, and I'll tell you something, and please try not to be upset. I think you're drunk, and if you're goin' to Fudruckers, or if you're goin' to Bob's Big Boy, they're not gonna to serve you. They don't have alcohol on the menu. You can't get beer, wine or distilled spirits. So just stop callin' these places, and I'm sayin' this for your own good."

(good old boy): "Yeah, well... who cares, buddy? I'll be plenty drunk when I get down there, and by the way, you don't know where there's a Hooters, do you?"

(Dave): "No, I don't, and goodbye."

(good old boy): "Well, I don't need it."

••• Jessica Biel plugs The A Team. ••• Alan Kalter asks for some air time, and unfortunately, Dave has some to offer. Alan tells Dave what a great musical talent he has on the show. It turns out it's not Paul Shaffer. That's right. It's Alan, and he favors us with a musical number about California girls. Thankfully, our great national nightmare is over in a couple of minutes, and we return to our regularly-scheduled program. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interview: American Idol winner, Lee DeWyze ••• Lee DeWyze sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/08/10 [3320]: monologue: If the New Jersey terrorists get any good at their jobs, they get to blow up a go cart. You want to see the real terrorist cell of New Jersey? Here they are. / photo: It's the ladies of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. ••• interruption: Dave notices something new with Alan Kalter. /

(Dave): "Hey, Alan, what is that? I'm sorry. What's goin' on over there?"

(Alan): "Well, thanks for noticing, Dave. Got my ear pierced today."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Alan, quite proudly): "I'm rockin' it, Harrison Ford-style. "

(Dave): "That's not what I was talkin' about. There's something on your leg.. ankle thing is flashing. Have you been drinking, Alan?"

(Alan): "That's my alcohol-monitoring anklet."

(Dave): "Why is it flashing? Have you been drinking?"

(Alan): "Have I ever!"

••• President Obama is fed up with the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. He wants to know whose ass to kick, which brings us to "President Obama Ass Kicking Simulation." / video:
(photo): Barack Obama is seen standing in front of the White House.

(voice-over and Chyron): "Place ass to screen now."

(animation): The President kicks.

••• interruption: Two linebacker-looking gentlemen in dark suits approach Dave at his mark. /
(Dave): "Hi. Could I help you guys?"

(right guy): "We're here from the White House."

(Dave): "Nice to have you here."

(left guy): "Obama turned us loose."

(Dave): "Really?"

(left guy): "He said, 'Kick some ass.' "

(right guy): "See you after the show, Princess."

(Dave): "Thanks. I think they're probably looking for Conan."

••• Barack Obama gave the commencement address at an area high school. / "President Obama Inspiring America's Youth" / video:
("Hail to the Chief")

(Obama): "But I also know... that many of you are the first in your family to go to college."

(red arrow on a kid nodding... nodding... out cold!)

(Obama): "... and right about now, you may be feeling all the weight of their hopes and expections coming down on your shoulders."

(graphic): "President Obama Inspiring America's Youth"

••• World Cup Soccer is underway, and a special World Cup soccer ball has been created by Adidas. / video: Players are seen kicking around a 10-foot-diameter ball. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: There must have been a preshow question about waffles. Dave's set up to make waffles at his desk. He says it's like the Three Stooges. ••• They still can't fix the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. / video:
(disaster clips)

(voice-over): "In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the Gulf was devasted by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history. But the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf states are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, giant mutant bunnies, zombies or high-frequency sound waves? Submit your bid today!"

••• back to the waffles, with expert guidance from Gaines / Dave sent Biff out for butter. He's got enough to paint a garage! / waffle-done countdown / Dave opens the waffle maker. / a series of "yes" dings / graphic sparklies ••• after commercial: Dave's ready to eat waffle. He shows us Camp® maple syrup, the official maple syrup of the Late Show. The ever-reliable Paul Shaffer begins playing "Camp Granada" on the piano. Dave takes some waffle to an audience lady. ••• Kate Hudson plugs The Killer Inside Me, and has some waffle. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dario Franchitti, Indianapolis 500 winner ••• Sarah McLachlan sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/09/10 [3321]: monologue: Barack Obama's 1981 New York apartment is for rent. It's really been fixed up. / Photoshop fun: The impressive entrance lists the address as One Term Plaza. ••• monologue: Two guys in New Jersey who wanted to become terrorists have been arrested in New Jersey. (They practiced by playing paintball.) They have a terror cell in New Jersey. / photo: the cast from Jersey Shore ••• Our little buddy Osama bin Laden has sent a tape to the terrorists in New Jersey. / video:

(Rev. bin Laden): "Boys, I know you'll make me proud of you, but don't make the mistake of leaving your house keys in the car with your bomb. Death to America, and go Nets!"
••• A live camera has been put on the floor of the Gulf of Mexico to monitor the runaway oil well. (Would anybody give their troubles to a monkey on a rock?) Dave says, "They say it's going to take forever to clean this mess up... even longer, maybe, than to clean up Lindsay Lohan!" Dave's on a roll. "But the geniuses at British Petroleum say they have a containment system for the oil. Yeah... it's the Gulf of Mexico!" Back to the original topic. / animation: We see oil moving around in sync with music, like an iTunes visualizer. ••• interruption: Writer Joe Grossman strolls onstage with seven little doggies on leashes. ••• Worried that the White House is being accused of underreacting to the Gulf of Mexico troubles, Barack Obama announced on Today that he's going to kick some ass. It's not the first time that a sitting president has used the buttocks word, which brings us to "Instances of Presidents Saying 'Ass'." / video:
(Obama): "...so I know whose ass to kick."

(George W. Bush, whispering to Cheney): "There's Adam Clymer, major-league ass**** from the New York Times."

(Franklin Delano Roosevelt): "Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go shave Eleanor's ass."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Instances of Presidents Saying "Ass". "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights •••
desk chat: OK... here we go. We all know that Dave enjoys little traditions in broadcasting, especially Dave Johnson's "and down the stretch they come." This evening he wants to talk about CBS Radio, and the CBS Morning News Roundup. A longtime anchor liked to say, "Time on the roundup, eight past the hour." Dave can't remember his name, however. Dave loved it! Now there's a new guy, and he doesn't say it.

This discussion prompts the first of a series of cards that writer Bill Scheft tries to lay on Dave's desk unseen. Bill's suggestion, Douglas Edwards, is dead. The guy he's talking about is dead, but not as dead as Douglas Edwards. Now Gaines is in on it, with Dallas Townsend. Nope. Gaines yells a possible name over. Nope. Scheft now proposes Charles Osgood. No, silly. Justin Stangel thinks the original was Christopher Glenn. Maybe. Then Scheft comes up with Nick Young. Well, actually, it's a delivery from Gaines, who says Vinnie Favale, CBS Vice President of Late Night Programming, East Coast, thinks so.

After commercial, it seems that Steve Kathan does the show now. Gaines yells over that Vinnie's not sure he's wrong. Dave wants this settled, and he wants the guy on the show.

Dave calls on Alan Kalter for his version of the phrase, and he delivers, "Time on the roundup, two past the hour."

Dave sort of grimaces after Alan's slightly overenthusiastic delivery, saying, "Thank you, Alan."

"You're welcome, Goosefart," Alan replies.

••• Bradley Cooper plugs The A Team. •••
Back to the discussion: Vinnie Favale is now sure he was wrong. That's mainly because Nick Young retired in March. Steve Kathan is the new guy.
••• Kourtney Kardashian and Khloe Kardashian Odom plug Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave has Steve Kathan on the phone now, and he promises to deliver the phrase tomorrow morning. He says, "Time on the roundup, eight past the hour." ••• Christina Aguilera interview ••• Christina Aguilera sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/10/10 [3322]: IT'S GAINES'S BIRTHDAY! It's the 53rd birthday of Executive Producer Barbara Gaines, and as we transition from the opening montage to in-studio shots, Gaines sprints across the stage to her podium at stage left. ••• The New Jersey terrorist wannabes, who practiced by playing paintball, have gotten a video from Osama. / video:

(Rev. bin Laden): "Boys, I know we'll see big things from you, but don't forget: Park your exploding van on Broadway legally. Death to America, and here's hoping that LeBron comes to New Jersey. Go Nets!"
••• interruption: Big Red, Alan Kalter, catches Dave's attention. /
(Dave): "Hey, Alan... what's goin' on, buddy?"

(Big Red): "What are you talkin' about, Dave?"

(Dave): "Your hair. Have you done something with your hair?"

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha ha."

(Alan, smugly): "This is a fauxhawk. This is how all the kids are wearing it these days, doglips."

(Dave): "OK."

(Paul): "Fauxhawk."

••• Everybody is tense about the Gulf oil spill. Even this kid is nervous. / video: It's the fat two-year-old from Indonesia with man boobs, who knocks back a couple of packs of butts per day. Dave asks for the Surgeon General. ••• The big movie premiere is tomorrow night, and we have "The A-Team: Where are they now?" / video:
(The A-Team theme, with voice-overs)

Dirk Benedict as Templeton 'Faceman' Peck: "No idea."

Dwight Schultz as "Howling Mad" Murdock

George Peppard as John "Hannibal" Smith: "Dead."

Laurence Tureaud as Mr. T as B. A. Baracus: "No idea."

(voice-over): "This has been 'The A-Team: Where are they now?' "

••• A lot of wildlife has suffered from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, and we have "How to Clean Oil Off Birds." / video:
(clip of a heron in a washtub)

(female voice-over): "First, the birds are carefully placed in a solution of warm water and mild detergent. Trained professionals scrub the birds using soft brushes and special hoses, moving them from one tub to another until the bath water is oil free. The birds are then dried, given a few days to recover, and finally released back into the wild, good as new!"

(clip): A cute little bird hopping around the plains is attacked, becoming lunch for some kind of hyena or whatever predator it is.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Happy birthday to Executive Producer Barbara Gaines, who as of June 23 will have been with Dave's shows for 30 years! / clip of Gaines's sprint across the stage / "It's a jailbreak," Dave says. ••• desk chat: Dave recognizes and thanks Steve Kathan of CBS Radio's World News Roundup for saying, "Time on the Roundup... eight past the hour." ••• Do you have the new iPhone™? / video:
(Apple's little theme song, and iPhone™ clips)

(voice-over): "The new iPhone 4 is here, more powerful, easier to use, and more indispensable than ever. Now with FaceTime, Apple's revolutionary calling feature."

(Executive Producer Jude Brennan, holding an iPhone showing David Letterman)

(Dave): "If you're on an Interstate highway that's like 465, what that means is, it's an access road to the Interstate which is 65, and so they use the numerical designation 4..."

(Jude again)

(voice-over): "And if you don't want to look at the person with whom you're speaking, just touch the screen."

(clip of the Indonesian two-year-old smoking)

(clip of Dave eating an iPhone 4): "Wow. This is delicious!"

(Apple graphic): "Coming June 24"

••• via satellite: Pitcher Stephen Strasburg of the Washington Nationals struck out 14 batters in his debut against the Pittsburgh Pirates. He presents the Top Ten Little Known Facts About Stephen Strasburg. / #5: "Dumb guys thought I directed E.T." ••• Harry Connick, Jr. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The obnoxious Jaden Smith plugs The Karate Kid. Peter Wolf sings. ••• with closing theme: clip of Gaines's sprint across the stage ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/11/10 [3323]: Will LeBron James play for the Knicks or the Nets? / Photoshop fun: It's the 5' 5" Mayor Bloomberg on LeBron's shoulders in Times Square. ••• The Puerto Rican Day parade is scheduled for Sunday. / Photoshop fun: It's Mayor Bloomberg riding a chihuahua! ••• monologue: "But thanks to British Petroleum, the Gulf of Mexico now has two new islands, Self-Service and Full." ••• Famous director James Cameron has offered his help to British Petroleum with the Gulf oil spill mess. / "A Message from British Petroleum" / video:

(clips of Cameron)

(voice-over): "While we greatly appreciate his concern, BP respectfully declines visionary director James Cameron's offer to help stop the devastating oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. We will, however, accept the help of acclaimed director Martin Scorsese to deal with our CEO, Tony Hayward."

(movie clip of a man with another man's head in a vise)

(voice-over): "A message from BP."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave points out the obvious: The CBS Orchestra is amazing. ••• desk chat: Enough is enough. We don't need anymore shows about baking cakes. ••• Dave delivers dinner for two at 21 to a honeymooning couple. He finally asks the question that's been on my mind for years: How do audience people in their T-shirts get into establishments like 21? ••• Top Ten Ways to Make the Tony Awards More Exciting ••• Sean Hayes, host of the Tony Awards on CBS on Sunday / In mid-sentence, Sean sprints out of the Ed Sullivan Theater (thankfully not tripping on the Biff Henderson Stairs), hops into a stretch limousine and journeys to his play, Promises, Promises at the Broadway Theatre, ½ block south at 1681 Broadway. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Did you know Herbert Hoover was our sweatiest president?" ••• Robert Klein plugs Unfair and Unbalanced on HBO. ••• Alison Moorer sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/14/10 [3324]: interruption: What is that commotion? Alan's tooting a vuvuzela horn... the obnoxious item that fans are blowing at World Cup Soccer games. ••• It's the smoking two-year-old from Indonesia. / video ••• The media have gotten high resolution video of the British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. / "The bp Oil Spill" / video:

(voice-over): "After repeated delays, bp has finally released high-resolution video of the Gulf oil leak, and that's not all. We've also included all kinds of bonus features, including audio commentary by CEO Tony Hayward on the making of the spill, hilarious bloopers of all the failed attempts to stop the leak, and a performance of the 'Oil Spill Love Theme' by Celine Dion. The bp Oil Spill: Now available on Disney Blu-ray."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: World Cup Soccer ••• "What Is a Vuvuzela?" / video:
(voice-over): "The vuvuzela is a brightly-colored plastic horn, commonly blown by soccer fans at stadiums in South Africa. It emits a loud, monotone sound ...

(audio of the horn)

(voice-over): "... and is ****ing annoying. This has been 'What Is a Vuvuzela?' "

••• "Top Ten Reasons Americans Don't Like Soccer" ••• interruption: A gentleman in the audience wants to know if the show's going to get any better. Dave allows him to approach the bench to examine the rest of the Top Ten list. The guy and his wife take a powder. ••• The TTL continues. ••• Dame Helen Mirren plugs Love Ranch. ••• outside cam: Alan Kalter visits with citizens on 53rd Street on the subject of World Cup fever. I was wondering earlier in tonight's telecast why we never see the guy who beats up Alan anymore. Guess what! He's in the crowd, and before long he's pounding on our favorite announcer, after Alan bad mouths Slovenia. / replay of one of his punches, with about a foot of clearance between his fist and Alan's handsome face / (We hadn't seen the tough guy since 9/23/09.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Hey! Feet off the coffee table! Right now!" ••• Colin Hanks plugs The Good Guys. ••• Cyndi Lauper sings, with Alan Toussaint on piano. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: the smoking kid ••• EDIT: Mike McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette reported on June 18 that the man who interrupted the monologue is actor Chris Williams.

6/15/10 [3325]: It's the Late Show's first Statue of Liberty gag of the season: Lady Liberty's in a bikini, giving the finger to one and all. ••• interruption: Biff Henderson appears during the monologue to ask Dave to take a Breathalyzer test. Dave's not drunk. Where's this crap coming from? ••• interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski appears in one of those all-white sailor outfits, looking for the Hudson River. "You know, Fleet Week was a month ago," Dave says. "Oh, crap," Gene says, and he runs off. ••• A rumor is circulating this week that CNN's own Larry King will be replaced sometime soon. / video:

(CNN graphic)

(music: "Can Do," by Scott P. Schreer, Reed Hays and Phil Garrod)

(voice-over): "CNN would like to assure Larry King Live viewers that America's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan is not replacing Larry King. Larry will continue to host the show until long after he's dead."

(Larry's coffin / Larry in voice-over): "Washington, D. C. on the phone. Hello. Hello."

(voice-over): "Larry King Live: Only on CNN."

••• cigarette ad / video:
(clip): the smoking Indonesian two-year-old

(voice-over): "We here at Marlboro recognize that babies are our fasting-growing demographic. So we're pleased to announce Marlboro for Babies™, with delicious fruit-flavored filters. And, for babies trying to quit, we've teamed up to make Gerber with Nicotine™. Marlboro: It's all good."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Celebrity Neighbor Birthday": "Wolf Blitzer's neighbor, David Weller, is 39 today." (photo of Production Assistant Michael Z. McIntee) "We'll be right back." ••• Larry Graham is sitting in on bass guitar. ••• Gene Szymanski is back. He is one lost sailor! Dave offers some directions to the nearest body of water. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that tonight is the last show via terrestrial broadcasting. Dave and Paul are headed to Webcasts. Or podcasts. Or twitter.com/Late_Show. Goodbye, Old Media! ••• "Memorable Oval Office Addresses" / video:
(Richard Milhouse Nixon, 1974): "Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency, effective at noon tomorrow."

(Jimmy Carter, 1979): "The erosion of our confidence in the future is threatening to destroy the social and the political fabric of America."

(George W. Bush, 2006): "On the streets of major cities..." (sound check, looking around, waiting)

••• telephone call:
(It's Jeff Altman as an intoxicated old coot.): "Yeah, is this 911?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What did you say, sir?"

(Jeff): "Is this 911, please?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. This is not 911. Is there an emergency?"

(Jeff): "You bet. I'm out of party ice!"

(Dave): "Well, you know what I can do, is have a squad car swing by your place with a trunk load of party ice, OK?"

(Jeff): "Oh, great. How about some tequila?"

(Dave): "How much, uh, how much do you need?"

(Jeff): "A couple of quarts Don Juan Pepe Don Carlos."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

(Jeff): "Don Juan Pepe Don Carlos."

(Dave): "I'm sorry, can you repeat that, please, because I didn't really hear that."

(Jeff): "You heard me, dumbass. Step on it!"

••• Katie Couric ••• interruption: Paul's teaching a piano lesson to young Josh. ••• DEVO sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/16/10 [3326]: monologue: Tonight's topic is rats in the New York City subways. Mayor Bloomberg had to meet with his rat adviser today. / video: A horror movie actor, as the diminuative mayor, opens a door to see a giant kitty. ••• Last night, President Obama addressed the nation on the Gulf oil spill. / photo: Michaele and Tareq Salahi are seated beside him. ••• An American, Gary Brooks Faulkner, on a solo mission to kill Osama bin Laden, claimed that he was obeying an order from God to avenge the Sept 11, 2001, attacks. He has long hair and a beard. / photo: Joaquin Phoenix on the Late Show on 2/11/09 ••• Photoshop fun: a rat crossing sign at 58th and Broadway ••• Osama has an angry message for Faulkner. / video:

(Osama): "Dude, you want a piece of me? Bring it on. Sword and night-vision goggles? Oooh, I'm sooo scared, sissy boy. Death to America, and props to Betty White. Loved Hot in Cleveland."
••• Experts who watched Obama's address last night think they detected signs of stress. Let's look for ourselves. / video: The President is dangling a cigarette from his mouth as he speaks. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Late Show is taped in late afternoon. Before tape rolls, Dave comes out to welcome the audience, and he usually takes a question or two. Tonight a lady was giving Dave the skunk eye. He stands up and acts out her whole drunken exchange. "We love you, Dave," the lady eventually says. ••• The CIA and friends at the Department of State have arranged for Gary Brooks Faulkner (or is it Electronic Maintenance Technician Gary Mintz?) to be onstage with us tonight. /
(Gary): "I decided I wanted to get bin Laden. Funny story... Expedia has great deals on direct flights to the mountainous border region of Afghanistan."

(Dave): "Now that's fascinating. So, tell us, what is next for you?"

(Gary, singing George Michael's "I Want Your Sex"):

I've waited so long, baby.
Now you're my friends.
Every man's got my patience.
And here's where mine ends.
I want your sex.
(Gary): "I've gotta go. Buy my CD, you dumb****s."
••• Top Ten Things Overheard During President Obama's Meeting with Tony Hayward ••• desk chat: Dave proudly announces that he noticed a framed photo of himself behind President Obama during last night's address. ••• John Goodman plugs Treme. / video: an aftershave commercial John did long ago ••• to Hello Deli for "Rupert Jee's Soup of the Day" / Dave visits with Rupert about this and that, then asks the big question. The soup of the day is BP apology stew. No one's buying it! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• cooking with chef Emeril Lagasse ••• Deer Tick sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/17/10 [3327]: interruption: Harold Larkin approaches the mark during the monologue to inform Dave that Oprah gave the entire staff of O new iPads and $10,000 each. Clearly Harold's looking for a little something. "I could give you a cookie," Dave says. Harold's good with that. ••• Cue card troubles: Dave jokes about a guy who stole a $600,000 Greyhound bus to go see his girlfriend. Dave was going to run through his bus itinerary for us, but Tony doesn't have that card. It was left upstairs, and Tony scampers away to get it. Paul entertains us with a little piano music while Dave has a cookie, and Tony comes screaming back onstage in a mere 30 seconds! ••• Footage of the Gulf oil leak is the most popular item on the Internet right now. Second on the list is the smoking two-year-old from Indonesia. / video ••• Barack Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office yesterday. Some opined that the address was lackluster. / video:

(Obama seated at his desk, hands folded)

(voice-over): "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

(Obama sitting motionless, waiting for a cue.)

(voice-over): "We now return to Rhoda, already in progress."

••• The North Korean soccer coach claims he's getting advice from Kim Jong-Il via an invisible phone that he invented. / video:
(clip of the handsome dictator)

(voice-over): "Kim Jong-Il may have invented the invisible phone, but we at Apple® have perfected it, with the new iPhone Clear."

(clips of someone performing the finger movements to work the thing)

(voice-over): "More than just an invisible phone, iPhone Clear lets you watch invisible movies, read invisible text messages, even make invisible video calls using its two invisible cameras. The iPhone Clear: Sorry... still on AT&T."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave's in the audience for the first installment of "Know Your Current Events" since February 21, 2008! Our players are Sandy Johnson from York, South Carolina, Andi Jeffrey from Pensacola, Florida and an unnamed lady who somehow got drawn into the game. The format's different from the KYCE we knew and loved. Questions included:
  • How many times has Larry King been married? (eight)
  • Which group of bearded, toothless men won this year's Stanley Cup? (Chicago)
  • What is the annoying horn tooted at soccer games? (vuvuzela) and
  • Which state has the most freelance Osama bin Laden hunters? (Colorado)
Eventually Sandy is proclaimed the winner of the special prize: delivering the Top Ten Signs Your Monkey Is Watching Too Much Television. ••• Miley Cyrus interview (too much make-up!) / shot of the crowd on 53rd Street, waiting for Miley (including a crazed fan named Alan Kalter) / more Miley ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Now Biff wants a cookie! ••• Dave apologizes to Rick Harrison, who was bumped. ••• Miley Cyrus sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/18/10 [3328]: interruption: Biff says, "One minute to show time, Mr. Letterman." ••• You can expect a difference in the way the same soccer game is broadcast in the U. S. compared to England. / video: The U. S. coverage is a soccer game. The British coverage has players zooming around the field with sound effects, to Benny Hill music. ••• Father's Day is the Super Bowl of second-tier holidays, and it's definitely commercialized. / video:

(photo of a middle-aged, smiling man, who could be your dad)

(voice-over): "This Father's Day, give your dad something he'll really enjoy: a prostitute! Paid for by the American Council of Hookers."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and World Cup Prediction: "The next World Cup will take place in 2014." ••• desk chat: Model railroading is America's #1 hobby. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Cincinnati Enquirer: "Have your vasectomy in April, May or June and be entered in a drawing for a chance to win 4 scout seats 12 rows behind home plate, Cincinnati Reds vs. Colorado Rockies."
  • Sioux Valley News, Canton, South Dakota: "Missing: Three white domestic American Geese...Anyone who stole them intending to eat them should know that they are 14 years old and probably very tough..."
  • Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale, Florida: "Happy Mother's Day from Lauderdale Memorial Park."
  • The Exchange, Winterset, Iowa: "WANTED: A white male, 67-70, no smoker or drinker, able to dance, fish and count."
  • Madison Enterprise-Recorder, Madison, Florida, a car dealership ad: "Drive it like you stole it!"
  • Red Deer Advocate, Red Deer, Alberta: "High demand training in water management" ad from British Petroleum
  • Times, Munster, Indiana: "Man shoves groceries down his pants, flees." Paul says he did it just to get on "Small Town News."
  • Herald Standard, Uniontown, Pennsylvania: "A local man claiming to be pregnant was jailed on a $50,000 straight cash bond after he allegedly kicked a police officer."
  • Tripoli Leader, Tripoli, Iowa, news local nursing home: "We will be observing hat day Monday, having a wet T-shirt contest Tuesday..."
  • Cape Codder, Orleans, Massachusetts: "The Wellfleet Fourth of July fireworks display will be held at dusk, Friday, Aug. 29."
••• out of commercial: video of a model train ••• Top Ten Signs Your Father's a Loser ••• Jada Pinkett Smith plugs Hawthorne. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter's missing. He turns up near the back of the audience, acting up. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Larry Miller stand-up ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/21/10 [3329]: outside camera: Security boss Bill DeLace is on 53rd Street, standing next to a very flat individual laying on the sidewalk. "Sorry, Chief. Cameraman melted," he says. ••• monologue: Dave says a naughty word, and is censored once again with the Late Show aaoogah horn. ••• video: the smoking two-year-old Indonesian kid ••• interruption: A shirtless Biff Henderson steps out to see Dave at his mark. He needed to return a pen. ••• Critics are saying that President Obama seemed to lack focus during his Oval Office address last week, regarding the Gulf oil spill. / CBS News Special Report / The President has a Photoshop wardrobe on, including some kind of multicolored summer hat. ••• British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward was on his yacht over the weekend. / White House video:

(voice-over): "The White House strongly disapproves of BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, spending time on a yacht during this time of crisis in the Gulf of Mexico. Rest assured, we have taken steps to rectify the situation."

(clip): A submarine torpedoes the yacht, leaving it engulfed in flames as Mr. Hayward jumps into the ocean.

(voice-over): "A message from the White House."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing. Dave believes our problem is not global warming. It's global humidity that's doing us in. ••• Weather Report / video: Dave Price of CBS has a special forecast for the week ahead. Highs for Monday through Friday range from 120° to 137° F, with lows increasing from 100° to 120° F. And we thought Phoenix was hot! [Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette reminds us that the Dave Price bit was originally aired on April 27, 2009.] ••• Top Ten Ways Tony Hayward Can Improve His Image ••• Salma Hayek Pinault plugs Grown Ups. ••• interruption: The CBS Orchestra have taken to playing for Bar Mitzvahs by Skype. (with Michael Z. McIntee and other staffers at the Bar Mitzvah) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Salma Hayek Pinault's bug recipe ••• Chris "Mad Dog" Russo ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/22/10 [3330]: outside cam: Rooftop bars are a big new trend. In fact, the Statue of Liberty has a cocktail lounge. ••• Barack Obama has called in General Stanley McChrystal from Afghanistan after he mouthed off to the Rolling Stone. / "Conflicts Between Presidents and Generals" / video:

(voice-over): "1951: Unable to agree on a war strategy, President Truman removes General McArthur from command. 2003: Frustrated by his recklessness and violent temper, President Bush summons General Zod to the White House."

(Terence Stamp as General Zod in Superman II: "You are the one they call President?"

(George W. Bush clip): looking around the room, waiting on a live address to begin

(voice-over): "This has been 'Conflicts Between Presidents and Generals.' "

••• LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers is wanted by numerous teams, including the Knicks. / video:
(Knicks logo)

(song: Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Part 2")

(voice-over): "The New York Knicks are making big changes to start a new era, with LeBron James! We've got the money to bring in the best supporting players, to bring home the title. We're undertaking an $850,000,000 renovation to the world's greatest arena."

(photo of Madison Square Garden)

(voice-over): "And we're changing our name to the Lakers. New York Lakers basketball: Catch the fever."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a warning to his neighbor, Andrew Schwartz, about his all-night music ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Talent Coordinator Mike Buczkiewicz and wife, Jen, had a baby boy, Henry Michael Buczkiewicz, on June 21. ••• Oh, boy, here we go again! It's 1982 calling, with Jeff Altman as a drunkard with Dave's phone number. We listen in on their conversation. /
(Jeff): "Yeah... yeah... yeah. Is this QVC?"

(Dave): "Uhhh, yes, it is QVC."

(Jeff): "Quality, value, convenience?"

(Dave): "Quality, value, convenience."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Quality, value, convenience?"

(Dave): "Quality, value, convenience... QVC."

(Jeff): "Quality, value, convenience!"

(Dave, picking up a pencil): "Now, let me get this straight. Q... quality, value, convenience. Yes."

(Jeff): "Uh, I, I would like one of your $40 heart-shaped Diamonique® pendants."

(Dave, writing the order): "OK... let's see. You want one of the Diamonique®, heart-shaped pendants?"

(Jeff): "Yeah, is that, is that 100 percent man-made Diamonique®?"

(Dave): "Yes. That's a hundred percent man-made Diamonique®. And, uh, do you mind if I ask you a question? Are you drunk?"

(Jeff): "Is, is, is there oil in the Gulf, bud?"

(Dave): "And how...?"

(Jeff): "Quality, value, convenience."

(Dave): "Right. Now, let me... let me get this straight. Quality, value, convenience?"

(Jeff): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Yeah. Quality, value, convenience."

(Jeff): "That's right."

(Paul): "Ha ha!"

(Dave): "Say it with me."

(Jeff): "Quality, value, convenience."

(Dave): "OK. Now, how do I know your credit card is good, if you're drunk?"

(Jeff): "Well, you'll know it's good if I cram it up your ass, pretty boy!"

(Dave): "I guess that's where the convenience thing comes in, huh?"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Let me, let me, let me speak to Loni Anderson."

(Paul): "Hah! Ha haaaa!"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. Loni Anderson just had to run out. She's not here. I'm sorry."

(Jeff): "Yeah, well don't bull**** me, fruit pie. I taught Merv Griffin how to dance."

(Dave): "OK. Alright."

(Jeff): "Quality, value, convenience."

(Dave, hanging up): "Alright. Thank you very much."

(dial tone)

(Dave): "Quality. Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten. Let's go."

••• Top Ten Signs Your General Is Losing It ••• interruption / camera troubles: Dave Dorsett hears the tune of an ice cream truck and takes off. The CBS Orchestra and Alan tag along. Dave decides he'd kind of like a fudgesickle. ••• Regis Philbin / Dave and Regis get into a discussion over whether you can see the Statue of Liberty from the Brooklyn Bridge. Regis says it's impossible. Eventually the staff produce a shot witht he statue clearly visible. ••• Chef Eric Ripert of Le Bernadin joins Dave and Regis, and Dave feeds Regis oysters and other disgusting seafood. Regis is not happy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Regis ••• Trombone Shorty and Orleans Avenue ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/23/10 [3331]: DAVE'S 30th ANNIVERSARY AS A TALK SHOW HOST
It should also be mentioned that today marks Executive Producer Barbara Gaines' same anniversary. ••• British Petroleum Gulf oil spill cam (x2) ••• monologue: Dave gets censored with the Late Show aaoogah horn. ••• British Petroleum still doesn't get their responsibility for the mess. / video:

(clips of several TV talking heads): "BP."

(voice-over): "What an exciting time for BP! On television we're getting hundreds of shout-outs every day! Wow, thanks guys! And thanks to the print media for all their free publicity. Plus, don't forget to check out our live video from the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. It's an Internet sensation!"

(clip of gushing oil)

(slide whistle)

(voice-over): "BP: Glasses in about an hour."

••• It's World Cup Soccer time, and the United States last played Algeria. We were cheated out of a first-half point because of anti-American bias. / video: America's Clint Dempsey kicks a goal. As the ball approaches, we hear a slide whistle and see the goal move to the corner. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave walked across the Brooklyn Bridge with Harry yesterday. You'd think Harry would be excited about all the things he'd seen, and maybe he was, but back home, he took the opportunity to rat Dave out to Regina with, "Daddy forgot to sunblock me!" ••• interruption: Adam Sandler hollers to Dave from backstage. He slams the desk chat, and wants to get on with his interview, already. ••• Dave says he's been informed that today is the 30th anniversary of his start as a talk show host, on the morning David Letterman Show. ••• Top Ten Things I've Learned in My 30 Years as a Talk Show Host (with Sherman Grossman, the sneezing monkey, and the Indonesian kid smoking) ••• Adam Sandler plugs Grown Ups. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• In honor of Dave's anniversary, the show has put together its version of This Is Your Life, with a special mystery guest recalling Dave's youth. The man behind the screen is none other than Tony Mendez. ••• Bettye LaVette sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/24/10 [3332]: Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Learn to Speak Dutch" ••• President Obama got mad at General Stanley McChrystal the other day for smarting off to the Rolling Stone. He called the general in and fired him. President Truman did the same thing for General Douglas MacArthur in April, 1951. Dave goes into one of his trances to summon the spirit of Harry S Truman, and the two gentlemen have a nice visit. Foremost on the President's mind, however, is Kevin James. ••• It's Wimbledon time. John Isner of the United States defeated Nicolas Mahut of France, 70-68, in the longest-ever tennis match. It spanned three calendar days, and lasted 11 hours and 5 minutes. / video: Late in the match, both men are seen playing while laying on their tummies. ••• outside cam to 53rd Street to see our old friend, Mark Odgers, formerly of the Bud Light Daredevils / weather report: 92° F, 51% humidity, barometer steady at 29.78", wind SW at 12 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Alan Kalter describes the brand new Ford Fiesta that Mark will jump over via the trampoline. The ever-reliable Mark takes off running down 53rd, bounces off a mini trampoline, jumps the Fiesta and nails the dunk. / replay via a camera behind the backboard ••• Next Mark jumps two cars (barely) enroute to the basket. / replays ••• Kevin James plugs Grown Ups. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Thomas L. Friedman of the New York Times plugs his book. He's an expert on Afghanistan. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumped from tonight's episode: Top Ten Things Overheard in Line for the iPhone

6/25/10 [3333]: It's Gay Pride Week. Everybody has gay pride today, including the Statue of Liberty. / Photoshop fun: Instead of her torch, Lady Liberty's holding an appletini. ••• The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is coming soon. Teenage vampires prowl the streets all night, looking for vampire activities. The vampires are graduating high school once again in this sequel, and we have their commencement speaker. / video:

(Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance")

(We see a shriveled monster from a horror movie. Tonight it's playing with a dolly.)

(voice-over): "Students, today you've reached a crucial milestone, and you must go forth and make the world a better place."

(The monster laughs uproariously.)

(As usual, Dave doesn't miss the opportunity to remind us that the character is Regis without make-up.)

••• monologue: Dave has a new set of Bernie Madoff jokes, so he can remind us about Bernie's wife in prison, Walt. / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 149 years, 0 months, 4 days, 9 hours, 14 minutes, 36 seconds ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave thinks Eminem wants to punch him. He's frightened. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Colfax Record, Colfax, California: "TOMBSTONE, Standard grey. Great deal for someone named Homer. $600."
  • Staunton Star-Times, Staunton, Illinois: "Caleb N. Boozer, 25, of Dorchester has been charged with driving under the influence."
  • Press-Tribune, Roseville, California: "Free Stuff. ROOSTER beautiful in or out of pot."
  • Hawthorne Press, Hawthorne, New Jersey: It's a story about the local council election. " 'Hawthorne has a choice to make on June 8. I'm a better choice,' said Joustra. 'I have new ideas. Asked to elaborate about his ideas, the candidate said, 'After I win, I'll make them public. I don't want someone else to take my ideas.' "
  • Columbus Dispatch, Columbus, Ohio: We see a picture of a boy beside a cow. "Harrison Graff, 10, reaches through a cannula --- a kind of portal --- to feel Daisy the cow's rumen."
••• Eminem presents his Top Ten Pieces of Advice for the Kids. It's a very strong list, well delivered, without a hint of a smile. He's a tough guy. ••• Jay-Z interview ••• Eminem raps on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater, on a perfect summer day. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jay-Z raps on the roof of the Ed. ••• Eminem and Jay-Z perform together, with Dave now on the roof. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/28/10 [3334]: Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights: "For a free transcript of tonight's show, write down everything that is said." ••• interruption: It's 1982 calling again, with Jeff Altman on the phone as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /

(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Yeah. Is this the Tie-ota dealership?"

(Dave): "Uh, as a matter of fact, it is. This is Midtown Toyota. How may I help you?"

(Jeff): "Uh, let me, let me speak to Larry in Service."

(Dave): "Larry? Service? Alright. Hang on one moment, please."

(Dave): puts him on hold for a bit

(Paul): "Ha! That's how you do it!"

(Dave): "Hi. This is Larry in Service. How may I help you?"

(Jeff): "I got, I got, I got a Corolla that goes from zero to 60 in nine seconds."

(Dave): "You have a Corolla, and it goes from zero to 60 in, what, nine seconds?"

(Jeff): "Nine seconds."

(Dave): "Yeah. That seems about right."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Yeah. In, in park?"

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha ha! In park? Haaaa!"

(Dave, shaking his head): "Let me, uh... I'll tell you what. What is your name, sir?"

(Jeff): "My name is Carl."

(Dave): "Uh, can you give me the year that your Corolla is? What's the year of that car?"

(Jeff): "Yeah, it'd be a 1989, and it's cherried out, too, buddy. I've got mud flaps, the back seats recovered, I've got name on the glove box..."

(Dave, laughing): "I'm sorry. You have your name on your glove box?"

(Jeff): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Wow. That's some nice work, my friend. Uh, I'm just goin' through my records here, and you said 1989. I'm afraid your warranty is expired. Warranty is expired."

(Jeff): "Expired?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "Expired?"

(Dave): "Right."

(Jeff): "Listen, buddy, I'll come down there and flatten you like a new driveway, bud. I'll cream you like mushroom soup!"

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. Now, just a minute, sir. If you can..."

(Jeff): "The fact is, paperboy came by yesterday with no paper... I just flat poofed him!"

(Dave): "Really!?"

(Jeff): "Hey!"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Jeff): "Listen."

(Dave): "Yes."

(Jeff): "You ever been to Dairy Queen?"

(Dave, laughing): "Yes, I have. I've been to Dairy Queen."

(Jeff): "Yeah, who cares what you think, dumbass! Next time I'll buy me a Datsun!"

(Dave, hanging up): "I don't know. Why do I... why do I answer the phone? Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten list. Let's try this."

••• video: John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, late in their 11-hour, three-day Wimbledon tennis match, playing while laying on their backs ••• John Isner presents the Top Ten Things That Went Through John Isner's Mind During the 11-Hour Tennis Match. ••• Kristen Stewart plugs The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. ••• desk chat: Dave lists the steps for becoming a vampire. ••• interruption: Out of commercial, our friend, Todd Seda, is in the #1 guest chair. Dave's a bit puzzled. Upon interrogation, we learn that Todd paid some guy on Broadway $50 for VIP seating. Dave boots him. (Todd helps with cue cards.) ••• interruption: Paul has an issue. What is he supposed to do with his assistant, Dan Fetter, standing in front of him? "He's fine," Dave says. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: National Weather Service Alert: "Rain is possible sometime this summer. Plan accordingly. We'll be right back." ••• Gary Faulkner, who went to Pakistan recently to find Osama bin Laden / Dave gives him a camoflage Late Show shirt, a disposable camera and Frommer's Mountainous Border Region of Afghanistan and Pakistan. ••• bumper: live via satellite: It's Osama bin Laden, reading a book on Gary's couch! ••• after commercial: Dave's under his desk, looking for his blade. ••• Tokyo Police Club ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/29/10 [3335]: Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a "Beat the Heat Tip": "Fill your shoes with frozen peas." ••• outside cam to 53rd Street to visit with Fritz Grove and Steven Voltz of Buckfield, Maine / It's another encounter with Mentos and Coke Zero. This time it's a Mentos and Coke Zero-powered car. The vehicle has 108 bottles of pop, each which will have six Mentos dumped in simultaneously. ••• science experiment: Back in the Ed, Dave has one bottle of Coke Zero, which he sets on the stage floor, dangerously close to the front of the audience. He dumps eight Mentos and heads for the hills. It's a geyser, which barely misses a nervous lady in row one. Big mess... but success. ••• The U. S. men's soccer team lost to Ghana in the World Cup. Once again, there was controversy on officiating. The Late Show has video of an especially controversial play. / video: Just as a U. S. player kicks for a goal, a trap goal on the field opens, and the U. S. player falls to China. ••• outside cam: Dave's ready for a ride southeast on 53rd Street. He passes on the white lab coat that costume designer Sue Hum offers. The car's output of fizzed-up soda pop pushes against a wall, propelling the vehicle slowly but surely down the street. Dave's in no hurry to apply the brakes. The crowd cheers when our host safely returns to 0 MPH. This stunt brings to mind the CO2 fire extinguisher-powered rocket chair race with Paul, in a sixth-floor hallway at NBC. ••• Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is a Russian Spy ••• Dolly Parton interview ••• Landon Donovan of the U. S. Men's Soccer Team ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Late Show World Cup Soccer Challenge" / Dave and Landon Donovan try to kick soccer balls into van-type taxis moving down Broadway. Landon comes extremely close a couple of times, but no luck. ••• Dolly Parton sings "9 to 5." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/30/10 [3336]: interruption: Alan Kalter has a parabolic microphone, connected to a reel-to-reel tape recorder. He's practicing a little espionage, right in the Ed Sullivan Theater. When he realizes that his cover is blown, he calls off the operation, and his fellow spooks are seen running for the hills. ••• monologue troubles: The King Tut exhibition is in New York City this summer. Dave cracks a joke about King Tut missing his penis. Then he wants to know who would write such a naughty joke. The guilty party walks onstage. That's right. It's writer Joe Grossman. Dave has a little talk with Joe about his indiscretion, and sends him back to wherever he came from. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave and family went to Florida on May 15 for the launch of the shuttle Atlantis. He met astronaut Mike Massimino there, and wants to talk about his awesomeness. ••• interruption: It's a CBS News Special Report. Larry King has announced his upcoming retirement. CBS then cuts to Dave. Isn't he retiring, as well? ••• Julianne Moore plugs The Kids Are All Right. ••• Mike Massimino interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Mike Massimino ••• The New Pornographers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/01/10 [3337]: interruption: Costume Designer Sue Hum approaches Dave with handfuls of bloody money, and wants to know how to get the stains out. Dave has no idea. Sue informs Dave that he is feckless, then storms away. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Know Your Current Events" /

  1. Craig from Melbourne, Australia is up first. Dave asks about The Last Airbender, using that excuse to run a clip with a bogus voice-over about a boy martial artist. He has the power to control earth, wind, fire and Earth, Wind and Fire. We see them singing "September." Craig answers questions about the 11-hour tennis match and the iPhone 4, but missed a LeBron James question.

  2. Erin Brock from Thousand Oaks, California, and now New York City, is up next. What a beauty she is, by the way. Erin blows a question on Regis hosting the Daytime Emmys the other day. She gets the name of BP's hated Tony Hayward. Erin is not interested in the least in World Cup Soccer, which gets her the Late Show "yes" bell.

  3. For a tiebreaker, both contestants are requested to stand up. Craig is 6' 5". Erin is 5' 6". Craig wins KYCE. Alan Kalter announces that he'll get to introduce tonight's first guest.
••• After commercials, Craig introduces Taylor Lautner, who's here to plug The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Apparently Taylor has high-quality abs, and often runs around without a shirt. He's kind of a big deal with the ladies. ••• Alan Kalter has requested some air time. Dave is disappointed to announce that some time is available. Jerry cuts to Alan, who's wearing a gaudy Uncle Sam costume, and manages to get in an ad for "Alan Kalter's Discount Fireworks Superstore" before Dave shuts him up. The text of his ad isn't important. It's all about the ridiculous costume. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Barry Sonnenfeld is back for another visit. He's always a quality guest, and today he came early to barbecue ribs for Dave. After the interview, Dave gets to sample his work. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumped from tonight's episode: Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Summer Vacation

7/02/10: REPEAT FROM 3/15/10

7/05/10: REPEAT FROM 5/13/10

7/06/10: REPEAT FROM 6/17/10

7/07/10: REPEAT FROM 5/25/10

7/08/10: REPEAT FROM 5/05/10

7/09/10: REPEAT FROM 6/08/10

7/12/10 [3338]: Larry King's upcoming retirement was announced on June 29, and we have a photo of how Larry will look in retirement. / photo: A shirtless Larry stands smiling on a beach under partly cloudy skies, wearing red suspenders. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that he's fat. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that for the first time in 26 years, the show wasn't nominated for an Emmy, but Jerry Foley is nominated for Outstanding Directing for a Variety, Music or Comedy Series, and Tim Kennedy is up for Outstanding Technical Direction, Camerawork, Video Control for a Series. ••• desk chat: Dave's in a feud with the family puppy dog, which is part yellow Labrador retriever / part Satan. The hound has to go potty at 4:30 a.m. ••• technical difficulties: One of the onstage monitors keeps going to black. Gaines suggests that Dave's just having a spell. ••• An octopus has proven very accurate in predicting the outcome of German soccer matches. / video:

(octopus footage)

(voice-over): "Paul the octopus accurately predicted the winners of all seven of Germany's World Cup matches, and he correctly anticipated Spain's final victory, proving that he has an uncanny ability to predict the future, except in one unfortunate case."

(clip of a giant fish ambushing and eating an octopus in one big gulp)

(photo: Paul, with "Paul 2008 - 2010" in black, superimposed)

(voice-over: "We'll miss you, Paul."

••• interruption: The 1982 phone rings, announcing another call from Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah, uhhh, is this Conan?"

(Dave): "Yes, this is Conan. How can I help you?"

(Jeff): "Yes, well, I, I, I, I would like to be an intern on your show."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Oh, you want to work as an intern? OK, that's great. Now, we need to ask you a couple of questions. How old are you, sir?"

(Jeff): "Uhh, well, I'm old enough to get it done, bud."

(Dave): "Uh. But more specifically, just generally, how old are you?"

(Jeff): "Listen, sweetie, I've got tattoos older than you!"

(Dave): "OK, fine. Now, most of the young men and women who work here as interns are in college or school of some kind. Are you presently in school?"

(Jeff): "Yes, I am. I, I, I'm currently in psychiatry at Harvard."

(Dave, looking at Paul): "Ohhh. Wow, what capacity?"

(Jeff): "I'm a patient!"

(Dave): "Uhh, well, I'm sorry. There's nothing available in the internship right now."

(Jeff): "Oh, that's alright. I'll call, I'll call back tomorrow."

(Dave): "No. No, there won't be anything open tomorrow, either. I'm sorry. Don't call back tomorrow."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Do, do, do you have, do you have Jimmy Kimmel's number?" (pronounced it Kimble)

(Dave): "Jimmy Kimmel? No, I'm sorry, I don't have his number." (pronounced it Kimble)

(Jeff): "Hey, buddy, let me ask you a question. You ever, you ever have a cheeseburger?"

(Dave): "Oh, yeah, I like cheeseburgers."

(Jeff): "Oh, man... tasty, aren't they? I wish I had one right now."

(Dave): "Yeah, me too."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Let me ask you one more thing."

(Dave): "What's that?"

(Jeff, growling): "Goodbye!"

(Dave hangs up.)

••• Kevin Costner announced that he had a machine that could clean up the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. / video:
(background music): "Breaking Now," by Phil Garrod, Reed Hays and Scott Schreer

(clip of Kevin Costner in a suit)

(voice-over): "Kevin Costner's oil cleanup vessel, the Ella G., benefits the American public in two ways, using a centrifuge system that separates oil from water, and it keeps Costner from making movies."

(art card): "A busy Costner means a better America."

••• desk chat: In the preshow visit, an audience man brought up Dave's high school classmate, Dan Cahill, who claimed Dave was a slacker. ••• Top Ten Mel Gibson Excuses ••• on the phone: Dan Cahill ••• Nicolas Cage plugs The Sorceror's Apprentice. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview" / Oh, boy, here we go again. Alan has Nicolas Cage at stage left. He's royally steamed because once again, Dave swiped a choice booking from him. Nicolas patiently waits out Alan's tirade, unable to get in a single word. ••• Steel Train sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Note: When I was in New York for the taping of the May 14, 2009 Late Show, I was walking south on Fifth Avenue at about 3 A.M. after a visit to the Apple Store, and came upon a police barricade. An officer sent me on a detour, as a scene from The Sorceror's Apprentice was being filmed a couple of blocks away.

7/13/10 [3339]: Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has a certificate for dinner at 21 for a couple from Winter Garden, Florida. They're getting hitched in a few days. ••• There's already a spinoff for The Sorceror's Apprentice, which opens tomorrow. / video:

(voice-over): "In theaters Wednesday, The Sorceror's Apprentice, starring Nicolas Cage, and coming soon to NBC, The Sorceror's Celebrity Apprentice, starring Donald Trump. One sorceror. Six celebrities. Who will win?"

(clip): Trump fires Joan Rivers, who with the flick of his wand turns into a goat.

(voice-over): "The Sorceror's Celebrity Apprentice: Only on NBC."

••• interruption: The 1982 phone rings, announcing another call from Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave answering, against his better judgment): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah, yeah. Is, is this the Walgreen's Pharmacy?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Hang on a second. I'll connect you."

(Dave, after waiting a little while): "Yeah. Pharmacy. How can I help you?"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Let me ask, you ever, you ever take any of that Viagra? Yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll tell ya what really works is two cough drops and a half pint of Schlegerman's Vodka."

(Dave, laughing): "Really? That's certainly good news for your wife!"

(Paul): "Ha!

(Jeff): "Yeah, don't, don't be flip with me, bud, or I'll flatten you like a pound of manure."

(Dave): "OK."

(Jeff): "Hey... let me, let me ask you somethin'."

(Dave): "Yeah, go ahead."

(Jeff): "You ever been to the Sizzler?"

(Dave): "Yes, I have."

(Jeff): "You, you know, those steaks are 100% Grade A, Double-Certified, Angus Prime Beef."

(Paul): "Ha ha ha!"

(Dave): "Really?"

(Jeff): "Yeah. I had three last night. Cost me six bucks."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "Mmm, boy, I'll tell you. They're delicious. Pretty plugged, pretty plugged up today, though, guy." (grunts) "Oooh. Ohhhhh."

(Paul): "Oooh. Ha, ha ha!"

(Dave): "Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. I'm sorry to hear that, sir."

(Jeff): "Hey! Can you e-mail me?"

(Dave): "No, I can't e-mail you. I'm sorry."

(Jeff, yelling into another room): "Hey, bring Daddy another Coors!"

(Dave): "What? What was that? I'm sorry. Go ahead, sir."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Guess who I saw at Dunkie Donuts."

(Dave, laughing): "Who?"

(Jeff): "Justin Bieber."

(Paul): "No kidding!"

(Dave): "No. You didn't. You didn't see him there. No."

(Jeff): "Yeah. He tried, he tried, tried to kiss me."

(Dave): "No, that's, that's not true."

(Jeff): "Hey, listen, bud, if I say Justin Bieber tried to kiss me, you can take that to the bank!"

(Dave): "OK. That's, that's great. I still don't believe it. Sure."

(Jeff): "Yeah. One time Donnie Osmond stole my wallet."

(Dave): "No, that's not true, either."

(Jeff): "Yeah, OK. Why don't you just bite me, then, bud?"

(Dave): "Now, what's that?"

(Jeff): hangs up

(Paul): "Not nice."

••• Top Ten Signs You've Purchased a Bad iPhone ••• Dave apologizes for the Larry King retirement Top Ten list on June 30. ••• Kristin Chenoweth (all 4' 11" of her) plugs her play Promises, Promises. Kristin seems to be trying to tie Madonna's record for censored words. At least we learned we can say coccyx on CBS. We heard the other word on The Dukes of Hazzard quite often, but as the name of the deputy sheriff who wasn't named Enos. Kristin has awesome legs, by the way. ••• Kristin's co-star, Sean Hayes, picks her up in a golf cart and delivers her to the Broadway Theatre, at 1681 Broadway. ••• Jonathan Alter, author of The Promise: President Obama, Year One ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Hey, anybody know how to get a riding mower out of a swimming pool? Call me." ••• more Jonathan Alter ••• M.I.A. sing.

7/14/10 [3340]: FIRST 10 MINUTES MISSING
desk: On the days when Shannon Eis will demonstrate new toys, Dave likes to tell about his days as a child. He reflects tonight on his childhood days near a swamp. His toy was an old can. ••• Dave Price of CBS has a forecast for the week ahead. Highs for Monday through Friday range from 120° to 137° F, with lows increasing from 100° to 120° F. This was originally aired on April 27, 2009. ••• "Small Town News" /

  • West Virginia Daily News, Louisburg, West Virginia: "YARD SALE: 2 adult caskets never used."
  • Mountain Messenger, Downeyville, California: "Sheriff's Blotter: A citizen reported being a victim of a crime in Nevada some years ago."
  • Waco Herald-Tribune, Waco, Texas: "Woman guilty of assault for punching, biting fellow stripper. Crime scene photos show the bite marks, located next to her tattoo of the name 'Bucky.' "
  • News Leader, Staunton, Virginia: "World Cup fever spreading in Valley. Two fans watch opening match."
  • Sewickley Herald, Sewickley, Pennsylvania: "911 hang-ups: ...the culprit--a two-year-old with an old cell phone yelling profanity into the phone. The father was advised to remove the batteries from the phone."
  • Coloradoan, Fort Collins, Colorado: (a summer cooking workshop) "Nancy Brown will demonstrate how to make a delicious Gestapo."
  • Leavenworth Echo, Chelan, Washington: "Sheriff's Report: "Caller from Lower Chiwawa River Rd. called to say there are 'lookalikes' on her property who are trespassing and spewing information [sic] Caller sounded extremely confused."
  • Topeka Capital-Journal, Topeka, Kansas: "Topeka Cemetery cleanup in need of volunteers / a light lunch to follow provided by Waste Management of Kansas."
  • Butler Eagle, Butler, Pennsylvania: "Police have charged a central Pennsylvania man with public drunkenness after her was seen giving mouth-to-mouth 'resuscitation' to a long-dead opossum along a highway."
••• Shannon Eis of the World Toy Council has summer toys. Dave's favorite is a cow bubble machine. Gene Szymanski brings out the giant, transparent $2,000 OGO ball. Dave gets in and rolls around, but failed to enjoy that experience. By the way, Dave performed his best-ever stripping off of the suit jacket at the demonstration table. ••• Dave runs the May 3, 2007 home video of David Hasselhoff shirtless, lying on a floor, drunkenly trying to consume a Wendy's hamburger in a Las Vegas hotel room. / Why are we resorting to this worn-out material? Writers Joe Grossman and Tom Ruprecht come onstage to take responsibility for this scandal. Dave wastes no time booting both of 'em. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "We are not responsible for personal items left on or near your television." ••• outside cam: sunset behind Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty ••• Joseph Gordon-Levitt plugs Inception. ••• outside cam: After commercial, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is seen rolling around in the OGO ball on 53rd Street. ••• Laurie Anderson performs some pathetic "song" about problems. The problem with performance artists is that they think whatever outlandish idea they come up with is art. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/15/10 [3341]: Americans sure are getting fat. For an example, we go to our capital, Washington, D.C. / photo: Abraham Lincoln's statue in the memorial is sipping on a Coke, and looking downright tubby. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• During the preshow visit, an audience guy worked Dave by asking where he could get a decent meal in New York. Dave's not playing into his scheme. Nope. There's no dinner at 21 for him. Dave asks Gaines to send out for two quality steaks. The dude's going to be dining in his seat. ••• Dave's mom, Dorothy, will be 89 years old on Sunday, July 18. We go live via satellite to Indianapolis for a visit. Dave's loaded with topics. First he wants to tell about the Letterman family's new yellow Labrador retriever, Satan Dog, who gets up at 4:30 A.M. every day. We're treated to Dave's very best doggie barking imitation. Dave's determined that his mom should stick her hand in the toaster. She goes as far as unplugging it, but she'll have no more of Dave's nonsense, as he wants her to scream as though burned or electrocuted, or both. Dorothy presents her Top Ten Thoughts Dave's Mom Would Like to Share About Her Birthday. ••• Pat Farmer brings in two fine steaks, apparently from Gallagher's Steak House, 228 West 52nd Street. Dave takes one bite to test the merchandise, gives a strong review and delivers the dinner to the audience guy. ••• If you want a job done right, do it yourself. Since Dorothy declined on the toaster gag, Dave's going to do it. He sticks his hand into a toaster on the desk. Lights dim. We hear electrical arcing. We see an x-ray of Dave's skeleton as he is electrocuted. Awesome. ••• Kyra Sedgwick plugs The Closer. ••• Our newly-appointed entertainment reporter, Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson, is working the red carpet. / outside camera to Jay:

(Dave): "This is going to be something! Let's go outside now to our entertainment reporter, Jay Johnson, on the red carpet. Jay, take it away."

(Jay Johnson, Red Carpet Reporter): "Thanks, D Dog. Things are really starting to heat up out here, and it's not just the summer weather. Kyra Sedgwick was very open to discussing The Closer, Bret Michaels was charming... not at all Poisonous, and when I asked Jimmy Cliff for an interview, he said, 'You Can Get It If You Really Want.' Oh, the surprises on the red carpet never stop, Dave."

(Dave): "Now, uh, but technically those aren't surprises. Those people have been booked on the show for weeks and weeks in advance."

(Jay Johnson, Red Carpet Reporter): "You've got that right, D Man. I'm throwing it back to you in the studio before I pass out. I'll see you at the party."

(Dave): "OK. Great. Great. Does that guy even work here, Paul?"

(Paul): "Let's see. Yeah. He runs the... he runs the Web site."

(Jay Johnson, Red Carpet Reporter): rolls up the red carpet and strolls down the 53rd Street sidewalk with the carpet on his shoulder

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bret Michaels ••• The Honourable Jimmy Cliff sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/16/10: REPEAT FROM 6/25/09

7/19/10 [3342]: interruption: Zsa Zsa Gabor, 93, has just had a hip replacement after an accident, and Pat Farmer visits Dave at his mark to show it to him. He got the thing at a garage sale! ••• Dave apologized on July 13, sort of, to Larry King for smarting off about his forthcoming retirement. Tonight we have "Larry King Highlight of the Night." / video: Larry and an unknown female guest are completely in sync. Every time one speaks, the other begins simultaneously, hopelessly interrupting the other. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tweet of the Day" ••• desk chat: Dave wants to visit with us again about Harry's new puppy dog: part yellow Labrador retriever / part Satan. (Perhaps Dave should have had second thoughts when they obtained the pet from hell.) The little varmint's behavior has been so bad, the family called in a trainer lady, and she did great. But then she left, and Dave tried to duplicate her methods. He reports that his wrists were dripping blood. Dave favors us with some quality hound imitations during the discussion. ••• It seems that Sarah Palin tends to misuse words. / video:

(photos of Palin)

(voice-over): "Congratulations to Sarah Palin for her fight against the use of traditional vocabulary words in everyday speech."

(Palin): They have power in their words. They could refudiate..."

(yes bell)

(voice-over): "A message from the Associationhood of Undermiseducated Igmoronuses."

••• Mel Gibson's girlfriend has gone public with tapes of Mel yelling and screaming at her. The public reaction to his behavior is so bad that some sources suggest he may leave the United States. Just today, another tape has surfaced, and we have it in a segment entitled "The Latest Mel Gibson Phone Recording." / audio:
(phone ringing and answered)

(Roy): "Crate & Barrel. This is Roy."

(Mel Gibson): "Yes, how late are you open tonight?"

(Roy): "Nine o'clock."

(Mel Gibson): "Great. Thanks."

(dial tone)

••• Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation ••• video: Sylvester Stallone signing autographs on 53rd Street ••• Sylvester Stallone plugs The Expendables. / Jerry Foley takes us to the green room three times to meet Sylvester's beautiful wife, Jennifer Flavin, and daughters Sophia Rose (13), Sistine Rose (12) and Scarlet Rose (8). Even his pets are females! This was an exceptionally good interview, and I predict that this episode will be seen again. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rob Corddry plugs Children's Hospital. ••• Robyn sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/20/10 [3343]: SHERYL CROW LIVE WEBCAM THIS EVENING
Dick Cheney has had heart troubles since he was 37. He recently received a ventricular assist gadget, and may have no pulse. Dave gets permission from the audience to show "before" footage of his heart. / video: the Gulf of Mexico oil spill ••• Mel Gibson's getting all kinds of bad publicity from audio tapes of him giving his wife a hard time. We have "Making the Mel Gibson Phone Tapes More Pleasant." A Late Show producer has kindly consented to help Mel convey a lighter approach. / audio:

(Mel): "Listen to what you do to me. You make my life so..."

(voice-over, by Michael Z. McIntee): "...happy!"

(Mel): "You have no..."

(voice-over, by Michael Z. McIntee): "...idea how much I enjoy your company!"

(Mel): "You have made me want to..."

(voice-over, by Michael Z. McIntee): "...take you out for a steak dinner!"

(Mel): "So...

(voice-over, by Michael Z. McIntee): "...Thank..."

(Mel): "you!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Will Lee does his scream from Dick Cheney's White House dungeon. ••• "Dick Cheney Medical Alerts" / video:
(voice-over): "With his new heart pump providing continuous blood flow, Dick Cheney will now wear a bracelet reminding medical personnel that he has no pulse. This joins the bracelet already worn by Mr. Cheney, which points out that he has no soul."

(sound effects): boing, slide whistle, donkey

(voice-over): "This has been 'Dick Cheney Medical Alerts.' "

••• interruption: It's 1982 calling again, with Jeff Altman on the phone as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Uh, yeah. Yeah. Is, is this Conan?"

(Dave): "No. No, this is Dave. Dave Letterman."

(Jeff): "Well, well, well... is, is this Big Jaw?"

(Dave): "Uh, Jay Leno? No, no this is... it's Dave. Dave Letterman."

(Jeff): "Is, is, is this Reeeeeege?"

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha!"

(Dave): "Regis Philbin? No. It's, uh, it's Dave. It's Dave Letterman."

(Jeff): "Good. Hey, Froggie, let me ask you somethin.' "

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "You think... you think that Al Gore is gay?"

(Dave): "Um. You know, I hadn't thought about it. I'm just... I'm just gonna say, I'm not sure."

(Jeff): "Well, me and the kids are here over at the V.F.W., and we're playin' that Trivia, uh, Try-vee-ul, Trivial Per-soo-it."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "And our category, homosexual vice-presidents."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "But. We got, we got... uh... we got, let's see here. We got Lyndon Johnson..."

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha!"

(Jeff): "Gerald Ford. Al Haig. Ruth Bader Ginsberg..."

(Dave): "No."

(Jeff): "Ali McGraw..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "... and Spy-Ro Agnew. All we need is Al Gore."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, I... you know, it sounds like a lot of fun, uh, but I, I can't help you, honestly."

(Jeff): "Hey, hey look... haven't you been out to his place?"

(Dave): "No."

(Jeff): "Yeah. I've seen you, I've seen you, I've seen you out there once, doin' the mambo for the pool boys."

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha!"

(Dave): "Now, that... honestly, that never happened. I'm sorry. That didn't happen."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Well, hey... How about, how about that Tipper? Man, I'd like to give her a ride downtown."

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha! Hey, hey!"

(Dave): "You know, um, I'm sorry, we're kind of busy here."

(Jeff): "Yeah, well, I find that hard to believe, Howdy Doody."

(Dave): "Hey, now listen. Thank you so much for givin' us a call tonight."

(Jeff): "Hey... do you know when Knot's Landing comes on?"

(Dave): "No, I just don't think it's gonna be on, OK?"

(Jeff): "Hey, clam bake, does this sound like I'm hangin' up?"

(slam)

(Dave): "A little radio skit! Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back with tonight's Top Ten list, and Steve Carell, everybody!"

••• Steve Carell plugs Dinner for Schmucks." ••• Steve plays his fife. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Selena Gomez plugs Ramona and Beezus. ••• Dave has a plate of fried pickles for Selena. ••• Sheryl Crow sings. ••• Dave has fried pickles for her band. ••• The TTL, Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying Mel Gibson's House, was edited out for lack of time.

7/21/10 [3344]: Lindsay Lohan's in the slammer for failure to comply with a court order. Apparently her sentence has been shortened from 90 days to 13. Anyway, we have a photo of her cellmate: It's TV's Flo! ••• Will Lee does his scream from Dick Cheney's White House dungeon. Dave offers will a lozenge afterward. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: AOL has a morning news roundup. Over the past couple of weeks there have been UFOs over China. / photo: the UFO / Dave's so excited! He invites all life forms to come and visit the United States. ••• Alan Kalter asks for some airtime. He's concerned about America's princess, Lindsay Lohan, being incarcerated. Alan's an ex-con, by the way, and he has this advice for her:

  1. Don't snitch.
  2. Don't accept cigarettes. If you accept, that person will come back later wanting something far bigger in return.
  3. No tats. Prison tattoos get infected. Alan found out the hard way, when he was in women's prison.
••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Lindsay Lohan's First Night in Jail ••• Our old friend Bill Murray always comes on with material. Tonight he's here to plug Get Low. Dave announces him. Nothing. A camera goes outside to look for him. Oh, there he is... above a trash dumpster. Mayor Bloomberg has proposed using dumpsters as neighborhood swimming pools during the heat wave, and we've got one on 53rd Street. A huge crowd has gathered. Bill takes a few dives, then comes in, soaking wet and out of breath. He has lots of stories to tell, including his trip to the funeral of Elvis at Graceland. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: the dumpster ••• more Bill Murray / He got three segments. ••• Alejandro Escovedo sings. ••• with final credits: one of Bill's dives, and Alan Kalter says good night.

7/22/10 [3345]: French scientists have recently been studying Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa," and have found that da Vinci used as many as 30 thin layers of paint or glaze. And what does the "Mona Lisa" look like after all those layers are removed? / photo: It's Amy Winehouse! ••• BP thinks their cap on the Gulf of Mexico oil spill is working. We see footage from the site. All is well. Oh, no... watch out! A little seahorse comes by and bumps the cap, restarting the leak. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: A lady from Pinworm, Texas, maybe Linda, wanted to know in the preshow questions if Paul Shaffer remembers her. The whole band remembers her! ••• Mel Gibson has had a rough two weeks, after those nasty audio tapes were released by his wife. / "Late Show Advice to Mel Gibson" / video:

(peppy intro music)

(voice-over): "From now on, only rant using an adorable ventriloquist dummy."

(adorable ventriloquist dummy): "I'll tear the *#$ damned house up! How dare you?"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Late Show Advice to Mel Gibson.' "

••• "Late Show Summer Giveaway" / Alan announces that we're playing for a Les Paul, Jr. guitar, with a retail value of $1,399. Kevin Benchley from Milford, Ohio is our contestant. (Or is it Paul's assistant, Dan Fetter?) Kevin's very excited. Tonight's category is All Things Dave. Kevin suddenly grabs the guitar and takes off with it, heading into the lobby, where security boss Bill DeLace hoses him down with pepper spray. ••• This week, after six years, Facebook has reached 500,000,000 users. / Top Ten Signs You're Obsessed with Facebook ••• Joan Rivers plugs Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Call your cable television provider today. Not to order anything, just to say 'hi.' " ••• Steve Winwood sings "Gimme Some Lovin' ", the Spencer Davis Group hit from 1966. He was their organist. ••• Bill Burr was bumped. He'll appear on July 29.

7/23/10: REPEAT FROM 7/15/09

7/26/10 [3346]: There's been controversy over Apple's iPhone 4, focusing on antenna design. Late Show stagehand Don Hewitt is backstage, and he has the hot new product. He loves it. Wait a minute. Don's our old friend, The Man on Fire, and he runs through the theater ablaze. He disappears backstage, and a cloud of CO2 floats across the stage. We hadn't seen him since 2008! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to update us on the family's yellow Labrador retriever / Satan. He reminds us that doggies are tick magnets. Dave hopes to get the dog checked, as he fears it may be a hell dog. If that proves to be true there's an upside, as churches can use hell dogs to scare people into converting! ••• Bill Murray was a guest on July 21. Prior to his interview, Bill dived into a trash dumpster swimming pool out on 53rd Street. Somehow or other, Bill got a little cut on his head, which leads us to "Celebrity Injuries on the Late Show." / video:

(art card)

(background music): "Fifth Avenue Stroll," by Larry Buksbaum and Scott P. Schreer

(voice-over): "2010: Bill Murray cuts his head diving into a dumpster on 53rd Street."

(video of Bill's dive)

(voice-over): "2001: Johnny Knoxville injures his leg jumping off the Ed Sullivan Theater catwalk."

(video of Johnny's nasty fall to the stage floor)

(voice-over): "2008: George Clooney is crushed by an improperly-fastened studio light."

(animation of George being smashed to smithereens)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Celebrity Injuries on the Late Show.' "

••• desk chat: Of the Labrador retriever / Satan, Dave exclaims, "It's like we paroled Squeaky Fromme and brought her into our house!" ••• Top Ten Questions on the BP CEO Job Application ••• desk chat: Dave has more on the hell dog. It seems he only comes out of his crate when he wants to eat human flesh. ••• Denis Leary plugs Rescue Me. ••• outside cam to 53rd Street: Wahoo Gazette publisher Michael Z. McIntee has a catcher's mask on, ready for some street baseball later in the telecast. ••• Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Only 41 shopping days 'til Labor Day!" ••• On 53rd Street, Dave and Albert Pujols take batting practice, with Denis Leary pitching, Mike McIntee catching and Bill DeLace on security. ••• Jimmy Webb sings Wichita Lineman, with Paul Shaffer accompanying on accordion. Jimmy also wrote the huge The 5th Dimension hit, Up, Up and Away. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/27/10 [3347]: monologue: "You ever been to the deli, right around the corner... the Hello Deli, right there at 53rd? I've said this before. I'll bet you in New York City, let's just take Manhattan alone... in Manhattan alone... I'll bet you there's 20,000 delis in Manhattan alone, and the Hello Deli, owned and operated by Rupert Jee, is one of them. So... but... here's how hot it is in New York City today. Rupert was adding coolant to his gazpacho." (There's a 38-second free commercial on CBS!) ••• The Taco Bell® chihuahua has kicked the bucket. It's no wonder. / Photoshop fun: The doggie's seated beside the company logo, and he appears to be about a foot wide. ••• President Obama will be on The View on Thursday. Dave predicts that after 10 minutes on the program, the president will call General Petraeus to send in more troops. / video:

(clip from The View)

(voice-over): "President Obama wants to go on The View to discuss financial reform. He'd also like to talk about economic recovery. And he'd wants to talk about Afghanistan... if he can get a word in."

(clip of the hosts interrupting each other)

(voice-over): "The View: Shut up!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: It's 1978 calling, with Jeff Altman on the phone as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah, am I, am I on the air?"

(Dave): "Yes, you are. Go right ahead, please."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Am I on the air?"

(Dave): "Yes, you're on the air."

(Jeff): "Right. Am I, am I on the air?"

(Dave): "Yes, sir. You are on the air. Go right ahead, please."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Uh, uh, am I on the air now?"

(Paul): "Oh, boy..."

(Dave): "You know what... can you do me a favor? I'm going to ask you to turn your radio down. Can you turn your TV down there... your radio?"

(Jeff, yelling): "Turn the radio down!"

(Dave): "OK, that's great. Now go right ahead. What can I do for you?"

(Jeff): "Hey, let, let, let, let, let me ask you somethin', alright? Why, why, why don't the Mets play that Mookie Wilson, you know? Mookie Wilson, Mookie, Mookie, run him in there, for God's sake. Mookie Wilson.

(Dave, taking a deep breath): "Um, I think, um, Mookie retired, oh, geez... maybe 30 years ago."

(Jeff): "Yeah, uh, did, did, did they trade him?"

(Paul): "He he."

(Dave): "No, I think he retired."

(Jeff): "Uh... did they, did they trade him?"

(Dave): "Mookie Wilson?"

(Jeff): "Yeah."

(Dave): "No, I think he retired."

(Jeff): "Well, did they, did they trade him?"

(Dave): "Yes. They traded him."

(Jeff): "I, I, I, I, I... are you there?"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Jeff): "I thought he retired, frankly."

(Dave): "No. Everybody did. Everybody did. What, what can I do for you?"

(Jeff): "You know, I, I play, I play ball in the Phillippines, and I was, I was a catcher. Man, I used to love that Johnny Bench."

(Dave): "Really? Really? That's great!"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Johnny, Johnny Bench."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Paul): "Ha! Yeah!"

(Dave): "He was tremendous."

(Jeff): "Johnny, Johnny Bench."

(Dave): "Johnny Bench. Cincinnati Reds."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Johnny Bench."

(Paul): "Oh, yeah! Ha ha ha!"

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Paul): "Ah, ha ha ha!"

(Jeff): "I could watch that boy squat all day!"

(Paul): "Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha!"

(Dave): "Yeah, I mean, we, certainly. We all could, and that's why he's in the Hall of Fame."

(Jeff): "Now, now, hey, you know this, you know, now, now, I'm a big league scout."

(Dave): "Oh, really? You're a Major League Baseball scout? Is that right?"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Dominican Republic, buddy."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Well, that's great!"

(Jeff): "You ever, you ever been down there?"

(Dave): "No, I've never been down there."

(Jeff): "Well, believe me, let me tell you what they do. They pick you up at the airport. They drive you right to your hotel... courtesy van... deluxe."

(Paul): "Ah ha ha ha. The whole spread! The whole spread!"

(Dave): "Well, that's great! That's great!"

(Jeff): "Yeah. I saw Johnny Damon get off the bus. Yeah, I went home!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, uh, this is a fascinating call. I'll tell you what. We have to break now for the update. Can you hang on?"

(Jeff): "No!"

(Jeff): slams down the receiver

(dial tone)

••• Top Ten Surprises in the Leaked Government Documents ••• Luke Wilson plugs Middle Man. ••• Alan Kalter promotes AK47 Tasty Grill Drippings, a fine new sauce (and intimacy lotion). Alan smears the stuff on his arm, then proceeds to lick it off, achieving the expected result. Dave blames Alan for the Emmy snub. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kristen Schaal plugs Dinner for Schmucks. ••• Dierks Bentley sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/28/10 [3348]: Tonight's Late Show is a CBS Special Presentation. ••• monologue: A guy's been robbing banks in clown pants, a crazy wig and a bra. / photo: Carol Channing wearing gigantic black plastic glasses ••• "A Recap of the Last 100 Days" / video:

(wacky theme music)

(rapid-fire pictures of current events)

(voice-over, talking fast): "Rig explodes. Oil leaks. BP lies about it. Oil continues to leak. People get tired of hearing about oil leak. People turn their attention to crazy Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson releases more crazy tapes. Lindsay Lohan goes to jail. More crazy Mel Gibson tapes. Leak capped."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Ron Dante is sitting in tonight. Paul says Ron gave him his break in show bidness! ••• Dave sends a camera to the secure entrance by 53rd Street to see Stephanie Montague. She hasn't missed a day in 15 years, and today is her last day with Worldwide Pants. (Wait a minute. Why is Sue Hum sticking her face in the shot?) ••• outside cam to 53rd Street, where we have a look at a brand new, red 2011 Ford Fiesta / Alan Kalter has all the specs on this beauty: 40 MPG highway; voice-activated calling, directions, music, news and more; dynamic handling; distinctive styling; unique colors and air conditioning! / Zoe Mishkin, writers' production intern from Colgate University, is first up on a parallel parking demonstration. She says she's good at parallel parking. She sets up just right, wisely ignores Dave's instructions to gun it, and nails it! ••• Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn't Running for President ••• Zach Perlinski from Munster, Indiana, a Ball State student, gets a bad start by beginning a little too far from the car in front of the space. Zach ignores Dave's offer to get a fresh start. While he gets the Fiesta into the space, he's pretty far from the curb. ••• Michael Keaton plugs The Other Guys. ••• Act 5: the CBSO and Ron Dante ••• more Michael Keaton ••• The Flaming Lips sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/29/10 [3349]: monologue: There's concern that with summer demands for air conditioning, electricity may not meet demand. Consolidated Edison has a public service announcement. / video:

(clips of summer heat)

(voice-over): "Summertime heat waves put an enormous strain on the power grid, but you can help prevent service outages by conserving energy. So when you're not using them, be sure to turn off items that use a lot of electricity, such as air conditioners, televisions and former vice-presidents."

(clip): Dick Cheney, in slo-mo, with distorted audio

(company logo and voice-over): "A message from Con Edison."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a disclaimer: "We couldn't think of a joke to put here. We tried all day. We hope to think of one and add it in post-production, and you will never see this disclaimer." ••• desk chat: In today's pre-show visit, Dave met a man from Wisconsin who has been a teacher for 34 years. Dave says their two salaries should be reversed. Then Dave makes up one his exaggerated stories about items the brave teacher had to confiscate from kids: a hand grenade, a shiv, a heavy post and a canister of sleeping gas. Dave sends the man one of his dual-eraser Late Show pencils by way of Eddie Brill. (I'm the proud owner of one of those.) ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Stow Independent, Stow, Massachusetts: "FREE: large amount of hamster/small rodent bedding and food. Sadly, hamster experience didn't go well."
  • Adirondack Journal, Elizabethtown, New York: "Correction for last week: Hunting season is not a good time for the kids to be in the woods looking for pretty leaves."
  • Ozaukee Press, Port Washington, Wisconsin: Ezra St. Peter of Port Washington turned 96 on June 14. He's sort of scowling in the photo. "And look how happy he is," Dave says.
  • Herald & Review, Decatur, Illinois: A 66-year-old man reported Thursday that someone broke into his home and took about $11,500 worth of jewelry and his pan of freshly made brownies."
  • Excelsior Springs Standard, Excelsior Springs, Missouri: "...report of unknown subject going through resident's mailbox. It was a postal worker."
  • Florida Today, Melbourne, Florida: "Is cremation your choice? FREE luncheon seminar, Memaw's Bar-B-Q."
  • Greensboro Watchman, Greensboro, Alabama: "House for sale in nice neighborhood... only burglarized 3 times in the last month."
  • Curious Tourist, New Haven, Connecticut: "Forget the flowers... Say it on a cookie." (on the cookie: "Happy divorce.")
  • Free Lance-Star, Fredericksburg, Virginia: "LAWNMOWER: Works but does not start. $20."
  • Mercury-Register, Oroville, California: "Year could be wetter or drier, warmer or cooler."
  • Georgetown Record, Georgetown, Massachusetts: "Fourth Annual pelling bee"
••• Paul Rudd plugs Dinner for Schmucks. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Did you know that in addition to plays and sonnets, Shakespeare also wrote several angry letters to the editor? Look it up!" ••• Bill Burr does stand-up. ••• Interpol sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/30/10: REPEAT FROM 9/30/09

8/02/10 [3350]: monologue: "Lindsay Lohan's gettin' out of prison this week. Oh, thank God, right? Been a rough stretch in prison for Lindsay Lohan. A sadistic warden took away her birds." ••• "Alan Greenspan: Financial Ma$termind" / video from Meet the Press:

(David Gregory): "Do you think that means the economy gets worse before it gets better?"

(Alan Greenspan): "Maybe, but not necessarily."

(David Gregory): "Are we out of the woods in the sense that Dow, 10,000-plus, you think, is here to stay?"

(Alan Greenspan): "I wish I could answer that one!"

(David Gregory): "How did things get so bad?"

(Alan Greenspan): "I can't answer that question."

••• "Unconvincing Lie of the Night" / video from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:
(peppy intro music)

(Meredith Vieira): "Let's get our friend Will Shortz with a free, face-to-face Skype™ video call. Hey, Will."

(Will Shortz): "Hi, Meredith."

(Meredith Vieira): "Are you a fan of David Letterman?"

(Will, lying like a rug): "I............ do like David Letterman......... yeah."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has more on Harry's yellow Labrador retriever / Satan dog. It's not going well. Dave says, "Everyone in the family spent the weekend banking their own blood." Dave does an excellent dog howling impression, then says of the beast, "I haven't heard a noise like that since a wedding, when my Aunt Hazel got her nose slammed in a car door." Dave has contacted the Russians, and he's hoping to have another dog put in space. ••• interruption: Camera trouble means one thing: Dave Dorsett's having issues again. Here's their interaction.
(one-shot of Dave is moving all over the place)

(Dave L., noticing the problem): "Now again, this raises the question, is that me, or is that something else? Dave? Is that... please tell me it's not me, because I've had these fits before. Is it..."

(Paul): "Why is it doing that?"

(Dave L.): "Dave! Hey, Dave! Dave, I'm sorry. Are... excuse me, Dave, are you, are you alright?"

(Dave D.): "Oh, sorry Dave. I... I feel like I'm delirious from the heat."

(Dave L.): "Yeah. Well, it's about 45 degrees in the theater here."

(Dave D.): "Oh. You're right. I have Dengue fever."

(Dave L.): "I don't think that's a... you know, I mean... but, it doesn't come... it's in a more of a tropical... it's a mosquito-borne... it's in the trop... maybe, maybe Florida. If were were... maybe Florida, but not here."

(Dave D.): "Yellow fever?"

(Dave L.): "Did you help build the Panama Canal?"

(Dave D.): "The bends?"

(Dave L.): "No, no... you've got to be, you've got to be under water to have the bends. You've got to come up too quickly."

(Dave D.): "I'm just doin' anything I can to liven this **** up."

(Dave L.): "Oh. Oh. Well... can't blame him there! Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten list. Let's try this."

••• Top Ten Surprises at the Chelsea Clinton Wedding ••• Will Ferrell comes out in a light summer jacket from Brooks Brothers, with the trousers cut off, and a cute bow tie. He's in to plug The Other Guys. Will has a clip of him surfing with an alpaca. He follows that with a photo of him sky diving with the alpaca. Dave asks Will to do his Harry Caray impression. ••• Will claims that he's taking over for Catherine Zeta-Jones in A Little Night Music, playing at the Walter Kerr Theater. He sings "Send in the Clowns," and heads for a bed onstage. Dave joins him. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Dave's Message for the Kids" / interruption: Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis takes a seat in the #1 guest chair to ask Dave a few office activity-type questions. The ever-generous Dave contributes $20 for Annette Guardabascio's Schnauzer's gall bladder operation. We never get to "Dave's Message for the Kids." ••• Nas and Damian Marley sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/03/10 [3351]: monologue: Dave makes a joke about 12 Boy Scouts camped out at Times Square in front of a strip club. When he touches his side to hold his guts in from laughter, he gets no rim shot.

(Dave): "Anton, where were you, parkin' your car?"

(Anton): big smile and rim shot

••• Sarah Palin has recently stirred up controversy by her use of the word cojones in an interview. / video:
(voice-over): "Sarah Palin recently praised Arizona governor Jan Brewer for defending her state's immigration law, and stance on border security."

(Palin): "Jan Brewer has the cojones that our president does not have."

(voice-over): "After hearing her use the Spanish word cojones, Governor Brewer immediately had Sarah deported. Jan Brewer: Walking the walk."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: It's Jeff Altman on the 1978 phone as a drunken ne'er-do-well.
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Hi. Uh, yeah. Can, can I speak to Bret Farver... uh, Bret Far... Bret Favre?"

(Dave): "Bret Favre? I'm sorry. He's not here."

(Jeff): "Yeah, uh... well, who is this?"

(Dave): "Oh, this is Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL."

(Jeff): "Yeah, well, Bret Favre owes me $60, so put him on."

(Dave): "OK, hang on. I'm going to put you on hold here. I'll see if I can find him, alright?"

(Dave looks around the room for a while.)

(Paul): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Hi. This is Bret Favre. How can I help you?"

(Jeff): "Uh, look... don't play dumb with me, you greasy little weasel. I want my 60 bucks."

(Dave): "You know, I'm sorry, but I don't know anything about this."

(Jeff): "Oh, yeah. I don't know anything about this. I don't know... Look, look, bud, don't, don't make me call the, uh, uh, don't... don't... don't... look, don't make me call the... you, you know..."

(Dave): "The cops?"

(Jeff): "The police."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "Is this Bret Favre?"

(Dave): "Yes. What is your problem?"

(Jeff): "Well, frankly, my prostate's on the blink."

(Dave): "Uh, if I were you, I'd get that checked."

(Jeff): "Yeah, well, don't you worry about my prostate. My neighbor's gonna take a look at it."

(Dave): "OK."

(Paul): "Ha ha ha ha."

(Dave): "Good gig!"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. Just a minute. Is this that TV show?"

(Dave): "You mean Conan?"

(Jeff): "No."

(Dave): "Uh, Big Jaw?"

(Jeff): "No."

(Dave): "Uh... Jimmy Kimble?"

(Jeff): "No."

(Dave): "Uh... Jimmy Fallon?"

(Jeff): "No."

(Dave): "Merv?"

(Jeff): "No! You sound... you sound like that goofy-lookin' suckass, Letterman."

(Dave): "Well, that's right. Congratulations. That's me. It's me, Dave."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Hey... you, you, you, you, you know who hates your guts?"

(Dave): "No. Who?"

(Jeff): "Everybody!"

(Dave): "Oh, well, I'm sorry. By the way, how did you get this number?"

(Jeff): "Yeah. How did you get a show?!"

(Jeff): slams the phone down

(dial tone)

(Dave, looking over at Gaines): "Just hold my calls, please."

••• Top Ten Questions on the "American Idol" Judge Application ••• Michael Cera plugs Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. ••• Rachel Maddow plugs The Rachel Maddow Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Rachel Maddow ••• the traditional Letterman-Maddow glasses exchange ••• Herbie Hancock (with Derek Trucks and Susan Tedeschi) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/04/10 [3352]: Tonight's telecast is interrupted by a series of news flashes. ••• CBS News Special Report: "Bret Favre has announced that he is not retiring. Favre is expected at Viking's training..." ••• CBS News Special Report: "Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin have announced that their engagement is back on. The happy couple plan to wed in approx..." ••• CBS News Special Report: "Bret Favre has announced his retirement from football, effective immediately. The grizzled veteran told Report..." ••• CBS News Special Report: "Levi and Bristol have announced that they are breaking up. The wedding is off. We now return you to F-Troop, already in progress." ••• In trying to stop the giant Gulf of Mexico oil spill, BP workers are having trouble finding the oil. / video:

(clips of the oil spill and clean-up efforts)

(voice-over): "In recent days, clean-up crews in the Gulf of Mexico have been baffled by the sudden disappearance of the massive oil spill; however, they finally determined its whereabouts when they attempted to call the spill at home."

(answering machine recording): "Hi. You've reached the BP oil spill. I'll be out of town for a couple of weeks. I'm going on a Disney cruise with Leonard Maltin."

(horn honking)

(answering machine recording): "Shut up, Leonard! I'll be there in a minute. I gotta go."

(beep)

(voice-over): "A message from oil."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• interruption: Alan Kalter has a tape measure, and he's scurrying around the guest chairs. When questioned by our host, Alan reveals that he's measuring off 50 feet. He wants to stay in compliance with Julia Roberts' restraining order. "Hey, Dave. Tell her I love her," Alan hollers from across the room. ••• Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday ••• Julia Roberts plugs Eat Pray Love. ••• Audience Pan ••• more Julia Roberts ••• Julia tells us that she shows up to film a Tom Hanks movie, and who should be there on day one of shooting but Mr. James J. "Biff" Henderson! Biff comes out to tell us about his role. It isn't long before Dave runs him off, so he can be alone with Julia. During conversation, Julia notifies Dave that he has a bug on his head, which leads to a discussion of his hair. "Your hair is like Lynyrd Skynyrd. I don't know what's happening," Julia observes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Hey, Mr. Peanut! What's with the monocle? Why don't you get laser eye surgery, and get that sumbitch fixed?" ••• The Dead Weather sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: photo of a mad dog, snarling, which Dave claimed earlier is Harry's troublesome Labrador retriever, Sully.

8/05/10 [3353]: A lady in South Carolina was having car trouble. A cheeseburger was found in her gas tank. / Photoshop fun: her car, all ballooned up from too many cheeseburgers ••• British Petroleum aired a public service announcement highlighting their clean-up efforts after the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. / video:

(Gulf Coast images)

(spokesman): "I grew up on the Gulf Coast, and I love these waters. We can't keep all the oil from comin' ashore, but I'm..." (unintelligible)

(a gusher erupts in the water behind the spokesman)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• outside camera to 53rd St. for the first dock diving doggie / What? An outside segment that didn't begin with a weather report? Unbelievable! ••• It's the Purina Incredible Diving Dogs Challenge tonight. (I swiped some owners' full names from the Wahoo Gazette.) Up first is Bridget Telencio from Painesville, Ohio, and her Dalmation, Lance, who jumps 26' 6". ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your Summer Vacation ••• We meet Melissa Ness from San Diego, California, and her Chesapeake Bay Retriever, Smoke, who jumps 27' 0". ••• Mark Wahlberg plugs The Other Guys. ••• Perry Collier from Escondido, California is up next with Henry, another Chesapeake Bay Retriever, who jumps 29' 3". ••• after commercial: Two models have a big trophy for Henry. ••• Cory Kahaney does stand-up. ••• outside cam: another shot of Henry ••• VV Brown sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a last look at the models with Henry

8/06/10: REPEAT FROM 2/08/10

8/09/10: REPEAT FROM 6/23/10

8/10/10: REPEAT FROM 7/22/10

8/11/10: REPEAT FROM 6/25/10

8/12/10: REPEAT FROM 8/04/10

8/13/10: REPEAT FROM 6/29/10

8/16/10: REPEAT FROM 7/20/10

8/17/10: REPEAT FROM 7/29/10

8/18/10: REPEAT FROM 7/12/10

8/19/10: REPEAT FROM 7/21/10

8/20/10: REPEAT FROM 6/22/10

8/23/10 [3354]: Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave updates us on the family's troubles with Sully, the puppy dog that is part yellow Labrador retriever, part Satan. Little Sully enjoys shredding the Letterman family members' flesh, drinking their blood and gnawing on their carcasses. ••• Barack Obama's approval rating is in the 40s. Dave decides to conduct one of his seances, this time with President Harry Truman. The two gentlemen have quite a nice visit.

(President Truman's ghost appears.): "Good evening, David."

(Dave): "Whoa! How about that? Thank you very much for joining us, Mr. President."

(Dave, to the applauding audience): "Wait a minute. He's very shy. Be careful."

(Dave): "Mr. President, the question tonight: It appears that President Obama's approval ratings are in the low 40s. Is there any way he can come back from this now?"

(Harry Truman): "Well, I may be stubborn as a Missouri mule, David, but of course he can."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Yeah."

(Harry Truman): "When I was facing Tom Dewey in 1948, pundits across the political spectrum had written me off. Well, not only did I win, but today I'm considered one of the greatest presidents in history. Hey... is Drew Barrymore on tonight?"

(Dave): "Uh, no, that's... I'm sorry. That's tomorrow night."

(Harry Truman): "You know, Bess kept nagging me to rent 50 First Dates with that Sandler kid, and I have to tell ya, it was a delight! I'm thinking about it now, and I'm cracking up!"

(Dave): "OK, that's good. Well, we certainly think the most of Drew, but really I want to talk now about President Obama..."

(Harry Truman): "Hey, be sure to ask Drew about E.T. Whenever I watch that movie, that little space monkey makes me cry like MacArthur did after I kicked his ass back to Little Rock."

(Dave): "OK, fine. Alright, well, thank you very much, Mr. President. I think we've had enough. Harry Truman, ladies and gentlemen!"

(Harry Truman): "And get her to sign my Wedding Singer DVD!"

(Dave): "Yeah, alright, we will. OK. Wow!"

(Dave, to Paul): "What are the chances... first try we get Harry Truman?"

(Paul): "How about that! Yeah!"

(Dave): "That was tremendous, ladies and gentlemen. Here's tonight's Top Ten list."

••• desk chat: Dave reveals that he's writing a book, My Life As a Dunk Tank Clown. He's never worked as one, but he's gone around the country interviewing clowns. One clown was insulting a fat kid to get him to get him to buy more chances to dunk him. The kid's old man followed the clown and beat the crap out of him. ••• Top Ten Signs New York City Has a Bedbug Problem ••• desk chat: a mad dog photo (supposedly Sully) ••• Brian Williams plugs an upcoming Dateline special. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for Katy Perry's live Webcast tomorrow ••• outside cam: We see Brian Williams walking back to 30 Rock to do the news. What? Why is he detouring into Flash Dancers at 1674 Broadway? Why is he wearing a trench coat in August? ••• Big Boi (with special guest Vonnegutt) perform "Follow Us." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Neil Jason sat in for Will Lee tonight.

8/24/10 [3355]: At 8 P.M. Eastern: Katy Perry appears in a live, 42-minute Webcast from the Ed Sullivan Theater, available on the Late Show site. ••• A new Miss Universe was crowned last night. / video:

(Miss Universe clips)

(voice-over): "Congratulations to the new Miss Universe, Miss Mexico, Jimena Navarrete. As a representative of one of our neighboring countries, you are always welcome in the United States..."

(wacky voice-over by Michael Z. McIntee): "...except in Arizona!"

(slide whistle)

(voice-over): "Congratulations, Miss Mexico."

••• monologue: Reportedly Osama bin Laden has a personal chef. Dave lists a few of the good-for-nothing terrorist's favorite dishes: linguini al Qaeda, Kung Pao goat, sweet and sour camel and camel pot pie. ••• Iran has been developing a long-range, unmanned missile. They're calling it the Ambassador of Death. (Why couldn't it have a fun name like Fat Man or Little Boy?) / top secret missile test footage: The new missile roars along its route, making excellent progress, until it encounters a little chirping birdie. BOOM! FIREBALL! The inferno clears, and the little birdie flies on toward its destination. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• A two-foot chunk of copper from the nose of the Statue of Liberty is being auctioned off after a repair was made. / video:
(aerial footage of the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island)

(voice-over): "A rare piece of Lady Liberty can now be yours. Next month, a two-foot piece of copper from the Statue of Liberty's nose will be auctioned by Guernsey's Auction House in New York City. The historic artifact became available after this freak accident in 1986."

(Lady Liberty): "Achoo!"

(The statue's nose falls off after the mighty sneeze.)

(Chyron): "GUERNSEY'S"

(voice-over): "Register today to bid."

••• Dave tosses a blue card through a window, resulting in an air hammer FX. ••• interruption: Dave gets into a friendly argument with Barbara Gaines. He insists that he's not going to answer the phone until it rings. Audio man Al Norwood crawls toward the desk to fix the phone problem. The audience members howl at his failed attempt toward invisibility. Al snaps two connectors together, as Paul provides a piano interlude. Pat Farmer has tape for the connectors. The phone rings, announcing yet another call from Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave, to the North American viewing public): "Excuse me. Let me take this phony phone call."

(Dave, answering): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is, is, is, is this the DMV?"

(Dave): "Department of Motor Vehicles? Yes, it is. How may I help you, sir?"

(Jeff): "Well, you can answer the &*#-damned phone. I've called 55 times!"

(Dave): "Yeah, well, I know. It was, it was... I'm sorry, it was, uh, unplugged. Hang on a second. I'm going to have to put you on hold, OK? Just hang on here."

(Jeff): "Oh, dear God, don't put me on hold! Oh, the old son of a bitch put me on hold."

(Jeff, yelling across the room): "Hey, hey Agnes, where the hell is the canary? Hey, &*# dammit, Agnes, bring in the... where's the canary?"

(Dave): "OK, now, I'm sorry. How can I help you, sir?"

(Jeff): "Oh... ah, ah, ah... I can't find my wallet."

(Dave): "Have you checked your pants?"

(Jeff): "Look, bud... don't get smart with me, dumbass. I'll check my own pants, OK?"

(Dave): "Well, that's, that's what I said. Yeah, no, that's not a problem."

(Jeff): "Hey, you know if Gene Autry had a Dodge, a '48 or '49 red or some djoy like that?"

(Dave): "Uh, let me check. Uh, Autry. Autry. I'm just going to go through the files here for you. Autry. Autry. Oh, yeah! Here it is right here! It was a red 1949 Dodge, registered to Gene Autry, Anaheim, California. Yeah."

(Jeff): "Oh, yeah. I'd sure, I'd sure like to get me one of them Corvettes!"

(Jeff, yelling to the next room): "Agnes, come in here and get the &*#-damned canary!"

(Dave): "What?"

(Paul): "Haaaaa!"

(Dave): "Yeah. What? Yeah."

(Jeff): "You know, those Corvettes, they corner, they corner like a snake in a rat hole."

(Dave): "Yeah, that's good. That sure is a nice ride."

(Jeff): "Yeah. You know... Johnson rods, you've got the Koni shocks, NASA headers, AMG rear end. Do about 240 on the 405."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "Yeah. You know, that 405. Don't get me started, bud. Freeway, my ass! More like the 405 parking lot!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "You know what I'm sayin'?"

(Dave): "Yeah, I understand what you're sayin'. Now look, uh, good luck with your wallet, sir, OK?"

(Jeff): "Well, can you, can you, can you send me, can you send me, can you send me a new one?"

(Dave, laughing out loud): "Um. Why don't, why don't you just come on down? Come on by the place, and we'll get you a new one."

(Jeff): "Well, you see, I, I can't leave the house. Some kind of mix-up with the state police."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Well, listen, I've got to go. Thank you very much. Nice talkin' to you."

(Jeff): "Wait. Wait. Wait. One more thing, bud."

(Dave): "What's that?"

(Jeff): "Is Pat Sajak a Muslim?"

(Dave): "You know, I'm sorry. I just can't help you on that one."

(Jeff): "Yeah, well, thanks for nothin', monkey ass!"

(Jeff): slams down the phone / dial tone

(Dave): "Thank God we got the phone repaired! If we hadn't repaired the phone, that never woulda happened."

(Paul): "Gold!"

(Dave): "Yeah! We'll be right back with the lovely Drew Barrymore, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Drew Barrymore plugs Going the Distance. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• picture of Drew nuzzling up to a doggie ••• Katy Perry interview ••• Katy Perry sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Neil Jason sat in for Will Lee tonight. ••• unaired TTL: Top Ten Signs President Obama Is Spending Too Much Time on Vacation

8/25/10 [3356]: monologue: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New York City, the city that never sleeps. You know why? Bedbugs!" ••• Millions of eggs which may have come equipped with Salmonella are being recalled. Here's an announcement from the FDA. / video:

(music): Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train"

(voice-over): "Hundreds of millions of eggs have been recalled due to concerns over Salmonella. If you must consume eggs, the FDA recommends you eat only the shells."

(clip of a young man eating a shell)

(young man, talking with his mouth full): "Holy crap! That's tasty."

(voice-over): "The FDA. Nothing Runs Like a Deere."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• China is contending with a 10-day, 62-mile-long traffic jam. / video:
(voice-over): "Drivers in China are stuck in a crushing traffic jam that has lasted over 10 days. After exhaustive research, the Chinese government has determined what's causing the traffic snarl."

(photo of the Great Wall)

(voice-over): "China. Everything's fine."

••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" / Receptionist Art Kelly reprises his role as the goofy coach. ••• Miss Universe 2010, Jimena Navarrete, presents the Top Ten Ways Miss Universe Plans to Make the World a Better Place. / #9: "During this bedbug crisis, go door-to-door scratching the itchy." / #6: "I'll offer Osama bin Laden a meet-and-greet. When he shows up, bam, we grab him!" ••• Christina Applegate plugs Going the Distance. ••• It's a new Late Show character: "German Fonzie." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: promo for the Katy Perry Webcast ••• Tom Dreesen plugs An Evening of Laughter and Memories of Sinatra. ••• The Pretty Reckless sing, accompanied by Paul Shaffer. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Neil Jason sat in again for Will Lee.

8/26/10 [3357]: A half million eggs are being recalled over the nationwide Salmonella scare. Did you see the big announcement? / video:

(egg processing plant footage)

(voice-over): "In light of the massive egg recall, be on the lookout for contamination. If your eggs look like this..."

(photo of two perfectly-cooked fried eggs)

(voice-over): "...immediately return them to your nearest Department of Health office."

(photo of two eggs being stuffed into an envelope)

(voice-over): "Or simply mail them, along with a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and you'll receive a dozen brand new eggs. Egg: It's what's for dinner."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights: "I haven't asked any scientists about this, but I'll bet dinosaurs smelled awful. We'll be right back." ••• The Emmys broadcast will be on NBC on Sunday, August 29. The Late Show was overlooked for a major nomination this year, but CBS is still very proud. / video:
(footage of Dave with Shannon Eis and toys)

(voice-over): "Congratulations to the Late Show on its nomination for Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series at the 1997 Emmy Awards. Keep up the great work!"

••• desk chat: Dave likes the survival shows, like Bear Grylls. There's a guy right around New York, who does most of his work in the Pine Barrens. Each week he's going to appear on the Late Show with a survival tip, which brings us to the new segment, "Ox, the Wilderness Expert." (OK... you guessed it. Ox is really writer Joe Grossman. This is going to be funny, and you can bet he'll walk offstage the wrong way.) Here we go.
(Dave): "Good to see you, Ox. Thank you very much for being here. I hope you're not spooked by being around all this civilization. Now, I know from what little camping I have done you can go a long time without eating, but you have to drink. You have to hydrate yourself, and I understand that's kinda your tip for us tonight. What is your tip, Ox?"

(Ox): "While in the woods, sometimes you might find yourself in a position where you have to drink urine to survive."

(Dave): "Where you have to drink urine to survive?"

(Ox): "Yeah."

(Dave): "And what do you have in the canteen? Is that, in fact, urine?"

(Ox): "It's urine."

(Dave): "Yeah. And whose... it's none of my business... but whose urine is that?"

(Ox): "It's Herbie Hancock's."

[This is hilarious, because the ever-somber Joe just about busts out laughing after delivering that line. Jerry Foley has to cut to Dave for a bit.]

(Paul): "Ha. Ah ha ha! Ha! Ha ha!"

(Dave): "Really? Um... I guess it doesn't make any difference, but how did you happen to get Herbie Hancock's urine?"

(Ox): "You know. The usual way."

(Ox takes the opportunity to enjoy a long drink of whizz from the canteen. He knocks back about a quart.)

(Ox): "Some tasty urine."

(Dave): "Ox, ladies and gentlemen, from the Pine Barrens."

••• Anne Heche plugs Hung on HBO. ••• Ken Burns appears in a promo for his latest documentary, The Muffins, coming soon to PBS. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Ken Burns interview ••• The Specials sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Neil Jason sat in again for Will Lee. ••• edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Things Overheard at Regis Philbin's Birthday Party

8/27/10: REPEAT FROM 7/19/10

8/30/10 [3358]: 17TH ANNIVERSARY ON CBS ••• Will Lee is back after a week away. ••• monologue: Dave announces the anniversary, and reports that the executives at NBC faxed Dave the finger today. ••• Tiger Woods played the Barclays over the weekend. It can be tough. / video: Tiger's two-foot putt is right on target. It hits the hole, but the ball knocks the hole away. The ball now sets where the hole was, with nowhere to go. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Keep watching, stinkpots!" ••• desk chat: In keeping with tradition, Dave tells his anniversary tale about the move from NBC to CBS. As any true fan knows, the whole situation developed after Paul was caught stealing office supplies at 30 Rock, which got him fired. If Paul was going, Dave was going, too. "It wasn't one of those Leno deals," Dave explains, "When I left, I stayed left!" ••• Top Ten Reasons I Still Love Hosting the Late Show with David Letterman (with a shout out to audio guy Tom Herrmann) / Tom sort of gives Dave the skunk eye when he ends up on camera. ••• bumper: the annual LSDL staff photo ••• Jessica Alba, impossibly beautiful and completely charming, plugs Machete. ••• desk chat: Dave has a copy of the current Cosmopolitan with Jessica Alba on the cover. He's a bit concerned about the article topic, "Untamed Va-jay-jays." ••• interruption: "Lloyd Emerson," associate vice-president of CBS East Coast Entertainment, has an 11-second anniversary hug for Dave. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jimmie Walker tells about his recent troubles with the TSA. ••• Ryan Bingham sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: the anniversary staff photo

8/31/10 [3359]: David Hasselhoff is joining Dancing with the Stars. Dave runs the May 3, 2007 home video of David Hasselhoff dancing... sort of. He's shirtless, lying on a floor, drunkenly trying to consume a Wendy's hamburger in a Las Vegas hotel room. ••• Hurricane Earl may hit the East Coast this weekend. / video:

(CNN hurricane footage)

(voice-over): "Forecasters are warning that Hurricane Earl could strike the Carolinas by the end of the week. Here now is a computer simulation of Hurricane Earl hitting the Eastern Seaboard."

(map animation)

(voice-over): "And just for fun, here's a computer simulation of Hurricane Earl hitting Larry King."

(Photoshop fun): a smiling Larry with his hair standing on end

(whoosh!): Larry's hair, scalp and skin have vanished. Larry's skull and eyes, spinning in their sockets, are all that remain.

(Cue horror movie sound effects.)

(voice-over): "CNN will return in a moment."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Hey, forget bin Laden. You wanna find a real bad guy? Let's find the inventor of the parking meter. Am I right, people?" ••• desk chat: Dave fusses about the bedbug infestation in New York City... not to mention rats the size of Cocker Spaniels. Some people are already trying to capitalize on this mess, in a new TV movie. / video:
(New York at night)

(voice-over): "New York City is home to almost 9,000,000 people. Look what just moved in."

(bedbugs footage)

(voice-over): "Starring Mark Harmon as Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Freddie Prinze, Jr. as the head of the CDC, and David Letterman as the itchy tenant whose apartment is infested with bedbugs."

(video of Dave seated beside Executive Producer Jude Brennan, reprising her role as Mrs. Letterman)

(Dave, desperately scratching): "Can you rub some ointment... on me... uhhhhh... uhhhhh."

(Jude, calmly reading a tabloid): "No."

(voice-over): "Bed Bug City."

(Dave, screaming in itchy agony): "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! You scratch me!"

(Jude): "Go to hell."

(Dave, screaming): "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

(voice-over): "This fall on CBS."

••• Top Ten Things Never Before Said in an Oval Office Address (with a cameo by audio guy Tom Hermann) ••• Michael Douglas plugs Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. ••• Now, this is a real treat. It's our second visit from writer Joe Grossman as "Ox, the Wilderness Expert." Ox, a survivalist, spends a great deal of time in the Pine Barrens. We learn tonight that Ox's last name is Oxstein. We do not yet know his first name. /
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Ox, the survivalist."

(Ox takes the stage.)

(Dave): "Thank you very much for coming back. It's great to see you, Ox."

(Ox): "Hi."

(Dave): "How, uh, how have you been lately? What have you been up to?"

(Ox): "Surviving."

(Dave): "Yeah. Do you have any, like, wilderness tips for us now, or anything we should know?"

(Ox): "While in the woods, sometimes you might find yourself in a situation where you have to drink urine to survive."

(Dave): "I've heard... I've heard that... that a human can survive by doing that. And what do you have in the canteen, Ox?"

(Ox): "It's urine."

(Dave): "Um... not that it makes any difference, but who... whose urine is that?"

(Ox): "It's Carson Daly's."

(Dave): "How did you get Carson Daly's urine?"

(Ox): "You know. The usual way."

(Ox takes the opportunity to enjoy a long, refreshing drink of whizz from the canteen.)

(Ox): "Some tasty urine."

(Dave, laughing): "OK. Ox, the survivalist."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bill McKibben, author of Eaarth: Making a Life on a Tough New Planet

9/01/10 [3360]: President Obama, recently back from his latest vacation, delivered a televised address from the Oval Office last night. / video: The president is wearing one of those island shirts, like you'd see Mike Love or Bruce Johnston wearing during a Beach Boys concert. On the Oval Office desk is one of those umbrella drinks. It looks like a piña colada. ••• OK... the Late Show messed with that video. Here's what really happened. / video: The president has a suit on now, but on the desk is a Super Big Gulp™ from 7-Eleven®. On the credenza behind the desk is a framed photo of Mr. David Letterman. The Late Show messed with that video, too. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, voicing over the CBSO with U2's "Beautiful Day" ••• desk chat: Someone on staff was pushing 400 pounds. Now, in the past month, he's dropped 81 pounds. What's his secret? He's been drinking wheat grass every day. Now, Dave's always looking for ways to forestall his next massive, octuple heart attack, so he tried some of this potion. Dave reports in no uncertain terms that he's sampled gasoline (in college) that tasted better. (A quick Internet study reveals that wheat grass grown indoors often gets mold, which makes for a very foul taste.) After sampling the beverage made from the rancid stuff, Dave ate a cheeseburger and two giant Hershey® bars. "It's like something your dog would get into in the landscaper's shed," Dave says. ••• The desk phone rings, announcing the weekly call from Jeff Altman, as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /

(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Hello."

(Dave): "Yes. Hello."

(Jeff): "Hello. Could you swing by later and give me a ride over to Target? I like... I like... I like to call it Tarzhay, you know, Tarzhay... you know what I'm sayin'? Yeah. Tarzhay."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): " I like to Frenchie it up."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "Tarzhay."

(Dave): "OK."

(Jeff): "Are you on board with me here, gasmask?"

(Dave): "Yeah... Uh, let me see if I have this straight. You need a ride to Tarzhay."

(Jeff): "Tarzhay. I got my... I got my eye on a new sweater. Green... green or brown, you know? The old one caught fire tryin' to light a Pall Mall."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "Hey, by the way. I... I... I need a couple of cartons of Marlboros and a new Zippo."

(Dave): "Right. Well, so, that's two cartons of Marlboros and a new Zippo. Yeah. I got that."

(Jeff): "Yeah. What... what... what... what time can you be here?"

(Dave, laughing): "Well, I can be there anytime, but I'm not comin'."

(Jeff): "Listen, you beady-eyed little punk. If you were here, I'd flatten you like a bad pie."

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure you would. Now, who is this?"

(Jeff): "This is Brad Pitt, you son of a bitch. Who's this?"

(Dave): "This is Jimmy Fallon."

(Jeff): "Oh. Well, I'm lookin'... I'm lookin' for my brother-in-law, Bob, uh... Bob... Bob, uh..."

(Dave): "Bob Johnson?"

(Jeff): "Yeah! Put... put... put... put him on."

(Dave): "Alright. Hang on a second."

(Dave looks around the room.)

(Dave): "Hi. This is your brother-in-law, Bob Johnson. What can I do for you?"

(Jeff): "Hey... yeah. You... you... you remember Roy Rogers?"

(Dave, laughing): "Yes, I do! He stuffed his horse, right?"

(Jeff): "Yeah. Yeah. I always kinda wanted to stuff Dale Evans."

(Dave): "Alright, now. Listen. Uh..."

(Jeff): "Tarzhay."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "Tarzhay."

(Dave): "Yeah. Right."

(Jeff): "Hey. Listen. I also need some Viagra, some Red Bull and a case of Depends."

(Dave): "OK, fine."

(Jeff hangs up.)

(Paul): "And then he hangs up!"

(Dave): "Well, there you go."

••• Baboons in the vicinity of Cape Town, South Africa have been terrorizing the local vineyards. They baboons are finding enough fermented grapes that many are getting drunk, which brings us to the Top Ten Signs Your Monkey Has a Drinking Problem. (cameo with David Hasselhoff) (cameo with Sherman Grossman) ••• Donald Trump plugs The Apprentice, and has a lengthy discussion with Dave about the controversy over the proposed construction of a mosque at the site of the former Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michelle Beadle of ESPN2 ••• Jukebox the Ghost sing.

9/02/10 [3361]: monologue: "Please, everyone, if you have bedbugs, please have them spayed or neutered." ••• monologue: It's a flashback to Harry Smith's colonoscopy in March, with the black & white footage of a man and woman exploring a cave. ••• interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski wants Dave to know that he can't make it into work today. Unfortunately, he's caught in China's 60-mile traffic jam. Maybe tomorrow. ••• CBS will carry the US Open. / video:

(tennis action clips)

(voice-over): "Don't miss a minute of the 2010 US Open. The on-court action is more thrilling than ever before, thanks to breathtaking 3D technology from Panasonic, and enhanced Dolby Digital™ grunting."

(bogus, reverberating, wacky grunting sounds)

(voice-over): "The US Open. Only on CBS."

••• Tom Selleck is coming back to CBS. / video:
(clips from the new show)

(voice-over): "Coming to CBS this fall: a new drama you don't want to miss, starring Tom Selleck as Frank Reagan, a cop pushed to the brink when his mustache is wounded in the line of duty."

(animation): We hear two gunshots. A giant mustache begins to bleed, and slumps to the floor.

(voice-over): "Blue Bloods: This fall on CBS."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Hey! You want to see my new driver's license photo? Look at that handsome bastard! We'll be right back, fools." ••• desk chat: It's random topics tonight, as Dave thinks back to his younger years. He claims his family couldn't afford store-bought cookies, but Dorothy made outstanding chocolate chip cookies. He set out to talk about Conan O'Brien and Leno, but got distracted when he called him Cookie instead. Before we know it, Dave has a discourse on Oreo®, then Hydrox®. Two weeks ago, Dave saw a container of Oreos. While in the midst of a BSE (blood sugar emergency), Dave managed to get the package torn open. He tossed back three of the four sleeves. Now Dave's on to his Leno impression, and a recap of the whole mess at NBC at the start of this year. Finally, he reports that he was stopped during a recent walk by a man who retired when he was 42, and advised Dave otherwise. ••• "CBS Affiliate of the Night" / video:
(graphic logo): KCBS-2, Los Angeles

(female anchor): "And keep it right here for the best news, weather and traffic of the morning, with CBS-2 news at 5 and 6 A.M. And coming up next, David Letterman, right?"

(male anchor): "Yeah."

(female anchor): "Somebody..."

("CBS Affiliate of the Night" graphic)

••• Akio Toyoda is back with us tonight, with another message from Toyota.
(Toyoda, in Japanese): "Thank you. It is an honor to be here."

(Mr. Toyoda bows deeply.)

(Toyoda, with English subtitles): "As I predicted, all the problems with Toyota automobiles turned out to be nonsense... nonsense... nonsense. Toyota builds rocket cars... Americans too scared. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Zoom Zoom? Are you kidding Zoom Zoom? Oh, I don't think so. Toyota! Rocket cars! Zoom Zoom!"

(Mr. Toyoda bows again. Oh, boy, here we go!)

(Toyoda): "But I want to tell ya... how about those poison eggs? Ohhhhh! Poison eggs? Who wants poison eggs? No one wants poison eggs. Who made poison eggs? Who made poison eggs? Honda. Honda made poison eggs. Those chickens. Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Poison eggs. Poison eggs. Honda. Honda. Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Honda. Ahhhhh. Ahhhhh."

(Toyoda bows again.)

(Toyoda): "Thank you and thank you Coco."

••• Will Arnett plugs Running Wilde. ••• "Is This Anything?": A Chinese lady rides a bicycle onstage. She's sitting on the handlebars, somehow pedaling it backward, while tossing and catching bowls and other items. Paul calls it magnificent. Dave says it's lovely. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tommy Johnagin does stand-up. ••• Karen Elson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/03/10: REPEAT FROM 3/04/10

9/06/10: REPEAT FROM 7/26/10

9/07/10 [3362]: [Dave appeared on The View today to welcome Barbara Walters back after her heart operation in May.] ••• the smoking Indonesian kid video / He has quit! ••• Dave's begging the U. S. Tennis Association to do something. It's so hot at the US Open that players are collapsing on the court. / video: We see the corpses, presumably, of Beck and Federer at either end of the court. Suddenly a giant raptor swoops down, collects one of the carcasses and flies away. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "We're coming back, Jack." ••• desk chat: Dave wants to tell about appearing on The View earlier today. He was honored to be asked, especially since he's ratings poison. While there is screaming and excitement when a celebrity arrives outside the Ed on 53rd Street (and they're unknowingly posing with an aging piece of gum), Dave's arrival at The View was largely ignored. ••• desk chat: Having successfully completed kindeegarten, Mr. Harry Letterman is now beginning first grade, and Dave is full of anxiety. Dave and Regina have decided to keep Harry home from school. Harry has a great deal. He's not going to be home schooled. He gets to watch cage fighting on TV. Dave reports that he and his family were never that big on book learnin', anyway. ••• Ellen DeGeneres appears onstage to present the Top Ten Things That Have Been on Ellen DeGeneres's Mind Lately. ••• Katie Holmes plugs The Romantics. ••• Alan Kalter has asked for some airtime to address the new CBS program with William Shatner, S#*! My Dad Says.

(Dave): "Before the show our announcer, Alan Kalter, asked me if he could say a few words, and we have a minute or two, so Alan, take it away, my friend. What have you got on your mind?"

(Alan): "Thank you very much, Trainwreck. Hey. What's everyone gonna to be watching this fall? I'll tell you what. DJOY My Dad Says. That's right. DJOY My Dad Says is CBS's hot new sitcom. If you read DJOY My Dad Says on Twitter, you'll love DJOY My Dad Says, this fall on CBS!"

(Dave): "Alan... umm... easy... easy. I, umm, I don't care what you think the name of the show is. I know for a fact that the name of the show is Bleep My Dad Says."

(Alan): "Hey... why don't you go GIVL yourself?"

(Dave considers the proposition for a few seconds.)

(Dave): "I think I might just go do that. We'll be right back with Rick Harrison, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rick Harrison plugs Pawn Stars. Alan Kalter says good night.

9/08/10 [3363]: New York City cab drivers are the rudest in the country. Consider Dave's own experience this morning: He was insulted. He was belittled. He was screamed at, and he was cursed at. Finally he got out of the house and hailed a cab! ••• It's Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, observing 5771 on the Hebrew calendar, which means Bernie Madoff will be cut loose in a year and a half! / Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 148 years, 9 months, 20 days, 9 hours, 18 minutes, 55 seconds ••• The bridges in New York City are crazy. We have footage of the George Washington Bridge. (Ignore the fact that the footage is black and white and grainy.) / video: That baby is waving back and forth like there's an earthquake! ••• Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona had an obvious mental lapse the other day during a debate. / video:

(photos of the governor)

(voice-over): "Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has been criticized for her awkward opening statement during a recent televised debate."

(Brewer): "We have done everything that we could possibly do."

(10-seconds of silence, other than awkward giggling)

(Brewer): "We have, um..."

(2-second pause): "...did what was right for Arizona."

(voice-over): "This was a rare slip-up for a governor who has do much good for Arizona. She done real best, and do fight more if now re-elect by you. Message be paid by for Jan Brewer."

••• The New York Times reports that there were dirty tricks by Republicans in Arizona. / video:
(voice-over): "Arizona Republicans are attempting to sabotage the election by convincing unqualified pawns to run as Democrats, and thus ruin the Democrats' chances. This kind of political gamesmanship is routine, however. In 2008, Democrats ruined the GOP's chances by finding an unqualified pawn to run on their ticket."

(Sarah Palin): "Thank you."

(voice-over): "Sarah Palin. Smart as a moose."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The phone rings, announcing yet another call from Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave): "Is that the phone?"

(Paul): "I think you are getting a call, yes."

(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Is, is this Dr. Hallagrin's office?"

(Dave): "Yes. Yes it is."

(Jeff): "May, may I, may I speak to the doctor, please?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Hang on one second. I'll get him for you."

(Jeff): "Alright."

(Dave): "Yellow, this is Dr. Hallagrin."

(Jeff): "Yes, Doctor. I'm having trouble with my eyes, and I'm, I'm feeling quite dizzy, frankly."

(Dave): "Well, first of all, thanks for being frank. Sounds to me like you're drinking. Is that true?"

(Jeff, raising voice): "That is inconspicuous!"

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Jeff, making doggie barks and growls)

(Dave): "Now..."

(Jeff): "Billy, let, Billy let the dogs out!" (more barking) "I'm very dizzy, Doc."

(Dave): "Now, are you taking any medication?"

(Jeff): "Well, I think I took my high blood pills twice."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Yeah."

(Jeff): "Uh oh."

(Dave): "Well, you know... that, that if you doubled them up, that could make you dizzy, sure."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Things, things, things seem like they're in motion."

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, what... have you been... are you sure you haven't been drinking?"

(Jeff): "Uhhhhhh, no."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, stop... if you have, stop drinking. That's what I'd do."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Can I, can I, can I start smoking?"

(Dave): "No. That, that's a vasoconstrictor. That'll make things worse."

(Jeff): "Oh. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so damn dizzy, Doc."

(Dave): "Now, look... You stop the blood pressure medication, you stop drinking and you stop smoking, alright?"

(Jeff): "Alright, alright, I... uhh...What about sex?"

(Dave): "Well, I'm kinda busy right now, but thanks."

(Paul): "No!! That's not what he... that is not what he meant."

(Dave): "I think you should ask your wife about the sex."

(Paul): "Ohhh!"

(Jeff): "I, I, I can't. She's out colder than an Eskimo Pie. She, she, she hit herself in the head with a skillet."

(Dave): "Yeah. Uh huh. Uh, now listen, I'll tell you what... if you can give me your number, I'll call you right back. OK? Let's do it that way."

(Jeff): "Alright, we'll do it that way, then. It's 1 - 213..."

(Dave, interrupting): "OK, that's great. I'll call you back as soon as I can, OK?"

(Jeff, barking): "Woof. Woof Woof. Grrr."

(Dave): "Yeah. Uh huh. OK."

(Jeff): "Bring the dogs back here!"

(Dave, hanging up): "Alright, bye bye. There you go."

(Dave, to Paul): "We've got to get us an unlisted number!"

••• Top Ten Signs Your Governor Is Losing It ••• Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife. ••• Keith Olbermann plugs Countdown with Keith Olbermann. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Keith ••• The Black Angels sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/09/10 [3364]: interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski comes in to let Dave know that he can't make it into work today. Unfortunately, he's trapped in a mine in Chile, as we speak. Gene is expected back by Christmas. ••• monologue: Dave apologizes for all the jokes written by Gentiles tonight. (It's the Jewish New Year.) ••• Larry King's retiring from Larry King Live this year. Perhaps it's none too soon. / video:

(A guest host is interviewing an imam.)

(A shirtless Larry, with suspenders, wanders onto the set.): "St. Louis, hello. Abilene, Kansas, hello. Port St. Lucie, Florida, hello."

••• "Tony Blair: Plagiarist" / video:
(art card and classical music)

(voice-over): "2010: Tony Blair publishes his memoir, which contains a passage of dialogue allegedly lifted from the movie The Queen. 2006: During Prime Minister's Questions, Tony Blair delivers a line which is also believed to have been stolen from a film."

(Tony Blair): "I have had it with these (bleep) snakes on this (bleep) plane."

(voice-over): "Now stay tuned for The Vicar of Dibley."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Top Ten Signs Your Football Team Isn't Ready for the Season ••• interruption: A gentleman in the audience gets Dave's attention. He wants to know if Henry Winkler is going to be on tonight. Dave informs him that unfortunately, Fonzie isn't scheduled, and the audience gentleman is not pleased in the least. The shot widens, and guess what?! Mr. Winkler is in the seat directly in front of the audience guy. After an increasingly threatening tone from the unnamed audience member, Henry decides it would be wise to exit the theater with him. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has lemurs, a porcupine and a spectacular cheetah. Jack and Dave act out the strategic use of bear repellent spray, as Jack found himself face-to-face with a bear not long ago. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Jack Hanna ••• Jamey Johnson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/10/10: REPEAT FROM 3/29/10

9/13/10: REPEAT FROM 8/31/10

9/14/10: REPEAT FROM 8/24/10

9/15/10: REPEAT FROM 8/02/10

9/16/10: REPEAT FROM 2/11/09

9/17/10: REPEAT FROM 8/05/10

9/20/10 [3365]: "Politicians & Witchcraft" / video:

(art card)

(voice-over): "July 15, 1979. President and amateur warlock, Jimmy Carter, casts a spell which turns him into an iguana."

(Carter, speaking): "...the erosion of our confidence in the future."

(Poof! Smoke. He's now an iguana.)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Politicians & Witchcraft.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's always exciting when the President of the United States is here. There's extra security. The Secret Service is here, but they're invisible. We have tape of the audience coming in. / video from the lobby of the Ed Sullivan Theater:
Two gentlemen in dark suits are checking audience members with Garrett® handheld metal detectors. But to keep a low profile, instead of turning their devices on, they're making "whoop" sound effects as they do their work. When Writers' Researcher Tom Foster comes through, something irregular is detected in the area of his lower legs, and he unfortunately is pulled aside for a visit with the United States government.
••• From Santiago, Chile, Jose Fuentes and his golden retriever, d, present a traditional merengue. ••• President Bill Clinton visits with Dave about global initiatives, Chelsea's wedding, climate change and alternate energy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and announcement of the winner of the "Late Show Celebrity Look-A-Like Contest," Brian Corcoran of Sioux Falls, South Dakota ••• Chromeo sing. ••• with credits: merengue again ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• The previewed Top Ten didn't make it to air. I expect we'll read it in next Monday's Late Show Newsletter. ••• edit on 9/27/10: From the Late Show Newsletter, we have the Top Ten Signs Your Senate Candidate is Fascinating.

9/21/10 [3366]: monologue: Dave claims he saw Kim Jong-Il walking down Broadway today. Foreign dictators seem to get into the spirit of New York when they're here. / Photoshop fun: It's the handsome dictator with that pointy crown the Statue of Liberty wears. ••• cue card troubles: Bristol Palin was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars last night. Dave gives Tony Mendez a hard time for listing her 18 out of 30 points as 18 out of 20 on the cue card. Tony grins and bears it, like the true pro he is. ••• Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, has admitted that she "dabbled" with witchcraft a bit when she was in high school, so Delaware may elect a witch. / video:

(movie clip of psychic surgery, with a smiling O'Donnell superimposed... also some skulls and a bunch of flames)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Planning on taking the eye test at the DMV? Save some time. Take it now. Third line? Good. Fifth line? Good." ••• desk chat with Paul: Snooki ••• interruption: Alec Baldwin drops by the guest chair. He's miked up, and takes the liberty of using Dave's guest chair for a satellite interview with a radio station in Reno, Nevada. The minute the interview's over, Alec's outta here. ••• Top Ten Qualities Every North Korean Dictator Must Possess / #2: "Ability to win hearts and minds of citizens through reason, empathy and a crotch-zapping torture box." / Dave informs us that this is the first time ever on CBS that we have heard the phrase 'crotch-zapping torture box.' " ••• desk chat after commercial: Writer Bill Scheft has fixed up Dave with a blue card, and he reads us the information. "In a 1961 episode of The Andy Griffith Show, Andy referred to Aunt Bee as a 'crotch-zapping torture box.' " So there we have it. ••• Simon Baker plugs The Mentalist. / We see a 1991 music video by Euphoria (the Australian band), in which Simon's dancing shirtless with another dude. A slinky was involved. It's was the 90s, people... OK? ••• How do you top the merengue dog act we had last night? We have Jenny Vidbel with Frankie, the miniature pony, and Daisy, the terrier mix, doing the waltz. The terrier rides the little pony as it dances on its hind legs for about three seconds. (Jenny's an animal trainer with the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus.) (Fortunately, the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater was reinforced decades ago to support elephant acts. The pony won't hurt anything.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi plugs MTV's Jersey Shore in what will go down in history as one of the least-important interviews ever on the Late Show. ••• bumper: outside cam - Snooki's arrival ••• Maroon 5 sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/22/10 [3367]: It's "Don't Make Me Call Mavrikakis Night" at the Late Show. There must have been an inside joke with the staff, or maybe something came up in the preshow questions that led to the repeated shout-outs to Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis. ••• David Hasselhoff was voted off Dancing with the Stars last night. / video: Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off a floor on May 3, 2007 ••• Chilean miners... 33 of them... were trapped a half mile below the surface in an August 5 collapse, and they're still down there. / "Trapped Chilean Miners Update" / video:

(art card)

(voice-over): "Day 49. Trapped 2,300 feet below the earth's surface, and with rescue still months away, today the 33 miners put on an amateur production of "Oklahoma!"

(video from Oklahoma, made to look like it's in a mine, of course)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Trapped Chilean Miners Update.' "

••• That beady-eyed little weasel, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was at the U.N. yesterday. / video:
(clip of Ahmadinejad)

(voice-over, by the same guy who does Osama): "In an effort to change your views of Iran as an evil regime and a nuclear threat to the entire world, I'm going to do something big. We are going to Tehran!"

(clip of screaming women in an Oprah-like audience)

(Mahmoud): "You are going to Tehran, and you are going to Tehran and you are going to Tehran!"

(more screaming)

(Mahmoud, continuing): "And, we'll be flown by Captain Horshack! I know. I know! How fun is that?!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Presidents on the Late Show" / video:
(orchestral music, as from movie credits)

(pictures of past presidents): President Jimmy Carter, President Bill Clinton, President Roger Maxwell, President George W. Bush, President Barack Obama

Paul would like to know how he slept through President Roger Maxwell's administration. Dave explains that he was kind of under the radar.

••• We see clips from dancing animals earlier this week. / Tonight we meet Jaimie Kemmerer and Huey, the dancing blue and gold macaw. / The scrim rises to reveal the beautiful bird and its owner. Dave gives the pair 30 seconds before losing patience, as nothing happened other than one raise of a wing. "Somebody call KFC," Dave hollers to no one in general. Then he goes to work on Gaines, with the usual "Did we fly them in?" interrogation. Then Dave makes Gaines demonstrate what the bird was supposed to do. She plays along, and bobs her head a little bit. "I'm calling Mavrikakis," Dave warns Gaines. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard This Week at the United Nations ••• desk chat: We have video of Huey performing a little better during rehearsal. Apparently the critter prefers "Cochise," by Audioslave. That's some hard rock. At least Huey lifted a wing five times in rehearsal. "Based on that, you green-lighted it for the show?" Dave asked. ••• desk chat: Dave recaps Joaquin's Feb. 11, 2009 visit to the program, and insists that while he wasn't told that he and Casey Affleck were up to something, but said he could tell from the interview that it had to be a goof. He did know Casey was making a movie. Dave then informs us that he isn't in on much that happens on the show. In support of that claim, he gets the Late Show aaoogah horn when he asks, "Do you think if I was in on it we've have the goddamned parrot!?" The house then explodes with laughter. ••• Joaquin Phoenix plugs I'm Still Here. Dave tells Joaquin of his last visit, "It's like you slipped and hit your head in the tub!" He informs Joaquin that he wants $1,000,000 for use of his show in the movie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: A Late Show "writer" appears in the guest chair to evaluate tonight's program with Dave. ••• Tom Jones sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/23/10 [3368]: monologue: a shout-out to Shannon from Toronto in the audience ••• A man in Ann Arbor, Michigan was arrested yesterday for getting into a fight with his parrot. Three 911 calls resulted. / video:

(operator): "911, what's your emergency?"

(parrot): "911, what's your emergency?"

(operator): "What's your location, sir?"

(parrot): "What's your location, sir?"

(hang up and dial tone)

••• "Trapped Chilean Miners Update" / video:
(voice-over): "Day 50. Trapped 2,300 feet below the earth's surface, and with rescue still months away, today the 33 miners worked up an impressive acrobatics routine."

(We see a double-decker group jumping rope simultaneously.)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Trapped Chilean Miners Update.' "

••• Justin Bieber appeared on the season premiere of CSI. / video:
(logo and action scenes)

(voice-over): "CSI returns Thursday with a special guest appearance by Justin Bieber. And if you can't get enough Justin Bieber, catch Friday's premiere of Blue Bloods, featuring a thrilling shootout between Justin's hair and Tom Selleck's mustache."

(shootout animation, including gunplay)

(voice-over): "CBS: It's too hot to sleep."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "I don't what the big deal is. I kind of liked having bedbugs." ••• Many world leaders are currently gathered in the United Nations. Distractions result from its location in New York. Should the U.N. be located elsewhere? / video:
(We see President Obama at the U.N. podium, standing before a black marble wall, speaking in little bursts of words, as usual.)

(Obama): "And we meet... within a city... that for centuries... has welcomed people... from across the globe, demonstrating that individuals of every color, faith and station... can come together... to pursue opportunites."

(Uh oh. Here we go. A window opens over Obama's left shoulder. It's Late Show security boss Bill DeLace, in a white "wife beater" T-shirt.)

(DeLace, interrupting the president): "Keep it down! I can't hear myself think! Stugotz, OK?!" **

••• video: clips of animals dancing on programs earlier this week ••• Tonight... right here on our stage... we have Girl Scout Troop 83003 from the Lehigh Valley in Pennsylvania. Six girls in dancer outfits are leading six alpacas, wearing sparkly top hats and fake tuxedos, around in a circle. They're called the PACA Patrol. Seriously, who thinks up stuff like this, and how does one convince these girls that they won't spend the rest of their lives living down their participation in this extracurricular activity? Kathy Lauer-Wiliams writes in The Morning Call,
" 'We are excited for this opportunity to promote Girl Scouting and the alpaca industry,' says Kit Hower, PACA Patrol leader. 'This weekend is National Alpaca Farms Days, and it is a wonderful chance for people to learn more about these beautiful animals.' "

"The members of the PACA Patrol who are performing are Kathryn and Rachel Brink of Coopersburg; Rachel Feil, Mia King and Annie Wightman, all of Bethlehem and Liz Mitchell of Allenton [sic]. Alan Clark of Finca Alta Vista Alpaca Farm is transporting the alpacas for their New York performance."

••• Top Ten Secrets Revealed in the New Bob Woodward Book ••• James Franco plugs Howl. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter is missing from his station. Upon investigation, we soon find him backstage with a small group of staffers, in a makeshift operating room. Our ever-thoughtful announcer is performing a lung transplant, and is frankly a bit irritated about being disturbed. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "New information has come to light. As a result, May 2007 Late Show Employee of the Month Mike McIntee has been stripped of his title. Shame on you, Mike." ••• Sofia Vergara plugs Modern Family. ••• Shakira sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• ** I swiped Stugotz from the Wahoo Gazette. I'd never heard it in my life here in Kansas. Internet research shows that a whole lot of people have no idea what it means.

9/24/10 [3369]: Sarah Palin may run for president. The Tea Party's getting some traction with primary wins. Now they need a mascot. / video:

(Washington, D.C. scene)

(voice-over): "The Tea Party has proven it's a political force to be reckoned with. Now it's time for the party to choose an animal mascot, like the Democrats and Republicans. It's up to you, America. Do you want the Tea Party mascot to be a lion, an eagle or a turtle humping a shoe?"

(clip of a turtle humping a shoe) That's right. You heard me. It was a first for me, too.

(voice-over): "Vote today at teapartyexpress.org. Thanks, and enjoy your tea!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• after commercial: Dave gives one of his frequent shout outs to the amazing CBS Orchestra. ••• desk chat: There's an intense new horror film, Devil, that opened on September 17. We learn about Beelzebub's hobbies, likes and dislikes, and so forth. Dave's uneasy about running the trailer, especially right after the turtle-humping-the-shoe incident a minute ago. / video:
(the familiar Universal graphic)

(voice-over): "From Universal Pictures comes a new nightmare from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan: five strangers, trapped in an elevator with the ultimate evil."

(fuzzy clip of David Letterman making faces that are alternatingly terrifying and wacky) (Yes, that's right. Dave did a remote!)

(voice-over): "Devil. Now playing."

••• And now, since the Friday episodes are taped on Mondays, and Jose Fuentes and his golden retriever, Carrie, are still hanging around, it's a reprise of their merengue dancing routine. This was far and away the best animal performance of the week. Carrie does a great job, and Jose is no slouch, either. The CBS Orchestra has quite a fun and peppy Latin dance number for the performance, too. ••• mini-desk chat: Dave informs us that if he could teach his half-Satan Labrador retriever to dance, we could all kiss his ass. Recently he took Sully on a camping trip, and he killed his first mountain lion! ••• Top Ten Things Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Likes About America ••• Shia LaBeouf plugs Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. ••• interruption: Dave takes a call from the White House on the 1982 phone. We're not in on the conversation, but someone important wants more merengue dancing with Carrie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• Jimmy Eat World sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/27/10 [3370]: Will Lee reprises his classic "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. ••• Christine O'Donnell, Republican candidate for Senate from Delaware, is being criticized for some wacky statements she's made. / video:

(campaign clips of O'Donnell)

(voice-over): "Delaware Republican Senate Candidate Christine O'Donnell claims she dabbled in witchcraft, she thinks scientists have developed mice with human brains, and she says evolution is a human myth, asking, 'Why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?' If your loved one sounds like this, please schedule an appointment with us now. You may have a gas leak."

("no" buzzer)

(Eastern Shore Natural Gas logo)

(voice-over): "A message from Eastern Shore Natural Gas Company. Serving Delaware's gas needs."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave gives us an update on Harry's yellow Labrador retriever, Sully. When he started out, he was a thug of a dog... part Yellow Lab, part crime lab. He's a little better now, but the fact remains that some guys from the Vatican confirmed that Sully is a hell dog. Anyway, Harry, Dave and Sully were out walking around, and were behind the dog. From that vantage point, Harry observed and reported that, "He looks like a one-eyed dog with a big nose!" ••• It's the Flying Karamazov Brothers with a juggling routine. They'll be with us again this week. ••• It's another call from Jeff Altman. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Uh, yeah, this is Carl from Sales."

(Dave): "Hi, Carl. How're ya doin'? Uh, what..."

(Jeff): "I need... I need to run down a few things with you."

(Dave): "Great. Let me put you on hold for a second, OK? Hang on."

(Jeff): "Yeah, you put me on hold, you son of a bitch! Who do you think I am, Lohan?"

(Paul): "Whoa!"

(Jeff): "Put my ass on hold?"

(Dave): "OK, hi, hi, hi! It's me, Dave."

(doorbell rings)

(Jeff): "Somebody get the door!"

(Dave): "OK, how can I help you, sir?"

(Jeff): "Well, first... first of all, two days ago I was... I was at the Price Club, loadin' up on underpants, and Alex Trebek tried to kiss me!"

(Dave): "Mmm. Yeah. I think I read that in the Times."

(Jeff): "Yeah, I think he'd been huffin' paint, you know? He's kinda cute, though. He lunged on me. I said, 'Knock it off for fifty, Alex!' Then he just dropped me. Powerful right hand, you know? Poof! Out, out cold!"

(Dave): "Oh."

(Jeff): "Then, then while I'm out... listen to this."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "While I'm out, he grabs my deal."

(Dave, laughing): "Oh, my God! Did you phone the authorities?"

(Jeff): "Listen to this, OK."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "Next I order six of them fancy chopping machines I've seen on TV..."

(Dave): "Oh, yeah!"

(Jeff): "...for the julienne style vegetables, and I..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Jeff, barking): "Woof. Woof. Woof."

(Paul): "Uh oh."

(Jeff): "Billy... put the... let the dogs out, Billy!"

(Paul): "Ho ho ho."

(Jeff): "Julienne style beans, spuds, tomatoes, you know?"

(Jeff, barking): "Woof. Woof."

(Paul): "Uh oh."

(Jeff): "Hey, yeah... you ever have any of that julienne style crap?"

(Dave): "Oh, yes, I enjoy the julienne style vegetables. Yeah."

(Jeff): "Son of a bitch will julienne style your ass, I'll tell you that!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "So listen to this..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Jeff): "OK. Listen, listen to this, bud. They didn't send me the Graty™. Can you believe that (bleep)? No damn Graty™! Your perfect topping for taycos, naychos and quesadillos."

(Dave, laughing): "Yeah. It grinds up the cheese, right?"

(Jeff, hollering): "Yeah. Where is the damn Graty™?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff, hollering): "I want the Graty™! I'll get those bastards! Look into that for me, you idiot, goofy bag of gas."

(Dave): "Yeah, alright, so you need one Graty™. I'll get right on that. Thank you."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Two kinds of cheese at once. Graty™. Bull (bleep)!"

(Dave, laughing): "OK. Yeah."

(Jeff): "Let me ask... let me ask... let me ask you somethin'. You ever take a run at that Barbara Walters?"

(Dave): "Uh... No. Is this Carl from Sales? Is that right?"

(Jeff): "Yeah, this is Carl from Sales. I'll tell you, I'd like to get that Barbara Walters. I'd make her howl like a donkey!"

(Dave): "Oh. No. OK... OK... OK... I think we're about out of time, honestly. Thank you for..."

(Jeff): "Oh, boy, I'll tell you..."

(Jeff, barking): "Woof. Woof. Woof."

(Jeff): "Billy! Billy! The cat is... the cat's in!"

(Dave): "Everything alright, Carl?"

(Jeff): "Yeah, everything's alright here."

(FX): doorbell

(Jeff): "Oh, there's somebody at the (bleep) door again."

(Dave): "OK. Alright. Well, nice of you to call. Good luck."

(Jeff, barking): "Woof. Woof. Woof."

(Dave): hangs up

••• Last week the U.N. appointed an astrophysicist from Malaysia to be the U.N. Ambassador for Alien Contact Affairs. / Top Ten Questions Asked During the Alien Ambassador Job Interview ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Amy Dieboldt, Writers' Segment Producer, and her husband, Kevin, welcomed Lucy Penelope Dieboldt on Friday. 7 lbs. 1 oz. ••• Dave shows us a clip of him tossing a stray bowling pin back to a juggling Karamazov, earlier in the telecast. ••• Odd Dave Moment that Wahoo Mike will document today: Dave squinting ••• Katherine Heigl shows us her electric cigarette, and plugs Life as We Know It. She's blonde again. ••• Act 5: Alan Kalter has a show. ••• Daniel Day Kim plugs the new Hawaii Five-0. ••• Runner, Runner sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/28/10 [3371]: Larry King has announced that he'll be retiring from Larry King Live one of these days. Now there's word that he'd like to host Saturday Night Live, which brings us to "Larry King Saturday Night Live Audition Tape." / video:

(dramatic bumper music)

(Larry's guest sits patiently while being introduced.)

(Larry): "He's been litigating on this issue since the Jack-in-the-Box® E. Cowli opray... E. Cowli Ope... E. Cawlay. E. Collie Oapright..."

(guest): eventually busts up laughing

Larry was trying to say "E. Coli outbreak." E. Coli is a standard shortened name for the bacterium Escherichia Coli, which is found in animals' lower intestines. As we all know, the germ was named for the German bacteriologist Theodor Escherich, who isolated it in 1885. The bug is a facultative anaerobe. That's right, I passed my microbiology class back in 1972.

••• monologue: "White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is leaving his position this week. Is he really quitting, or is he pulling a Leno?" ••• Dave says it seems as if everybody in Washington is leaving. / animation: The seated statue of Abraham Lincoln arises from his marble furniture and walks away! He totally takes a powder, along with everyone else. ••• Kim Jong-Il is stepping down in North Korea after quite a distinguished career in the dictator industry. Who will replace the ruthless bastard? / video:
(footage of N. Korean soldiers goose stepping in a review)

(voice-over): "The retirement of Kim Jong-Il set off a lot of maneuvering in the North Korean government. When the dust settled, power had been seized by the Machiavellian Kim Jong-Jay."

(photo of Jay Leno with bad hair, wearing one of those third world dictator jackets)

(smiling Leno portrait)

(voice-over): "Leno: More cars than Avis."

[They should have had the voice-over guy add, "And more cars than Mavis," or words to that effect. You know... Mavis Leno. Sorry.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Follow us on Twitter: twitter.com/Late_Show." ••• It's another appearance of receptionist Art Kelly in "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary." ••• Jon Stewart plugs his new book, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race. ••• Act 5: side-by-side pictures of Glenn Beck and Raymond Louis (Bobby "The Brain") Heenan / Dave had told Jon Stewart earlier that Glenn Beck reminded him of 80s WWF wrestling commentator Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. ••• "German Fonzie" ••• N.E.R.D sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Answers to the Question, "How Hot Is It in Los Angeles?"

9/29/10 [3372]: interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski comes out to inform Dave that Mayor Bloomberg's going to arrest him, because he's smokin' tonight! ••• "Larry King Highlight of the Night" / It's the clip with Larry having trouble getting in sync with a guest. They repeatedly talk over each other. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave announces that today is Mary Barclay's birthday. She gets a moment on camera. ••• desk chat: Dave informs us that there are to be no further questions about his socks. First, why do so many believe they're white? They're light gray! He ought to know. He has 1,000 pairs of them. To bring this matter to a close, Dave takes the stage to model them for us. With his suit pants up to his knees, he kind of looks like George Washington, or any of those old-time dudes who wore those ridiculous outfits. Regardless, we've all learned our lesson about asking this question. ••• Mayor Bloomberg will be on tonight. He's scary smart. While the mayor is one of America's wealthiest, with thousands of dollars in assets, he only has two pairs of dress shoes. We learn about other politicians who are wealthy but frugal in "Frugal Politicians." / video:

(art card and classical music)

(voice-over): "New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg owns just two pairs of work shoes. Former president Jimmy Carter and his wife, Rosalynn, sleep in a simple Murphy bed. And, in lieu of buying newspapers, Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell gets her facts from the weird guy at the diner."

(former Associate Director Pete Fatovich in a diner): "Hey... did you hear they're putting human brains in mice?"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Frugal Politicians.' "

••• It's another episode of "Late Show Prize Giveaway."
(theme music and graphics)

(The scrim rises to reveal the prize.)

(Dave): "Alan Kalter, tell us all about it!"

(Alan): "We've got a brand new Panasonic high definition television! The 37" Panasonic TC-L37U22 has full 1080p resolution, and a 20,000 to 1 contrast ratio, for dazzling picture quality! Three HDMI inputs, a digital audio output and a removable stand!"

(Dave): "Oh, a removable stand. That's a beauty, isn't it? Look at that picture! That's like a million pixels, or something like that. Alright, Alan. Tell the folks in the audience, and the folks watching at home, who tonight's lucky winner is!"

(Alan): "Tonight's winner is Benjamin Olmsted! Come on down!"

The audience members break into applause as an ecstatic Dan Fetter, Music Coordinator and Assistant to Paul Shaffer, approaches the stage as Mr. Olmsted. "Ben" manages approximately five steps onstage when he encounters two of Bill DeLace's security toughs, who let him have it with a Taser. We hear the crackling of high voltage being applied to the perpetrator. Dan's carcass is dragged offstage. The mayor is here tonight. His security people had no idea about the program-within-a-program. You just can't be too careful these days.

••• Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Can Boost His Popularity with Younger Voters ••• another shot of birthday girl Mary Barclay ••• after commercial: You really can't get anything past a veteran broadcaster like Dave. As he begins to introduce the mayor, Dave notices that his camera shot is obscured by vegetation of some sort. He pauses to inquire about the situation with legendary camera man, Dave Dorsett, who explains that Mayor Bloomberg has installed a pedestrian plaza during the commercial break. Segment Producer Sarah Billington and an unknown male are escorted from their outdoor table. Pat Farmer assists in striking the set. Dave wants the tree, by the way. ••• Mayor Michael Bloomberg has an excellent interview. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jesse Eisenberg plugs The Social Network. ••• with credits: a shot of Pete Fatovich ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/30/10 [3373]: monologue: Barack Obama is trying back yard visits and barbecues of late. / video: A lawn sprinkler interrupts the fun. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Janet Elder's book, Huck. ••• desk chat: The Republican party has just released its Pledge to America. Dave believes it's time for him to release his own pledge, so he takes a few moments to write it. We watch as he crystallizes his thoughts for us. The studio lights dim. Paul softly plays "God Bless America" on the piano. We wait with great expectation. Dave presents his work. He couldn't think of anything for a pledge, but he's drawn us a very cute monkey.

••• Tonight's Top Ten is sponsored. /

(Alan Kalter): "Tonight's Top Ten list is brought to you by Litter Kwitter™. Are you spending too much on kitty litter? Are you tired of having your house smell like a litter box? Then try Litter Kwitter™..."

(clip of a kitty hopping onto a toilet to take a dump)

(Alan Kalter): "...and soon your kitty will be using the commode! The three-step cat toilet training system leaves no more mess, no more hassle... even works on obese cats! Go to litterkwitter.com right away, and you'll be glad you did. Isn't that right, kitty?"

(kitty): "Meow!"

(Alan Kalter): "Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Other Reasons Rahm Emanuel Is Leaving the White House ••• Tom Selleck plugs Blue Bloods. ••• interruption: Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson, as a civilian, smooth talks Dave into dinner for two at 21. It's all for his beloved mother. Dave, of course, is touched, and immediately produces the usual envelope with the certificate. Jay is delighted... so much that he leaves immediately with his mother, a stunning, brunette, 20-something babe. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Janet Elder plugs her book, Huck. ••• Tired Pony sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/01/10 [3374]: monologue: "Forty-eight years ago today, Johnny Carson debuted as the host of the Tonight Show, and 30 years ago when he retired, he stayed retired!" ••• Republican Senate candidate from Delaware, Christine O'Donnell, has suggested that human brains have been experimentally installed in rat noggins. We investigate this possibility in "Mice with Human Brains." / video:

(graphic)

(voice-over): "February 24, 1998: An experimental procedure, in which human brain cells are transplanted into a mouse, allows doctors to preserve the brain of beloved comedian Henny Youngman."

(We see a handsome mouse wearing a sharp gray suit, standing before a curtain, holding a violin.)

(Mr. Youngman): "A woman came up to me and said, 'I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.' I said, 'Paint my house.' "

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching. Good night, America."

••• On September 27, Captain Jack Conroyd landed a Bombardier CRJ 900 without one of the landing gears. / video:
(voice-over): "On Saturday, the pilots of Delta Flight 4951 safely landed their plane, even though the landing gear failed to deploy properly. But to show the world that no one tops him, Captain Sully Sullenberger outdid them by safely landing several passengers without an airplane."

(photo): a smiling Chesley Sullenberger

(SPFX): someone vibrating his lips to simulate a propellor plane motor

(animation): Captain Sullenberger is seen descending to the runway with three passengers (including a nun, of course) on his back, as he vigorously flaps his arms. Upon touchdown, the heroic pilot brakes with his heels.

(voice-over): "Sully. Oh yeah!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "The apple growers need to understand I'm a very busy man. I don't have time for this 'pick your own apples' nonsense. Please forgive me. I've been having trouble at home. Stay right where you are!" ••• desk chat: After viewers complained, a segment with Katy Perry in a revealing outfit was removed from the season premiere of Sesame Street. This isn't the first time for such controversy, as we learn in "Other Inappropriate Sesame Street Skits." / video:
(Sesame Street music)

(voice-over): "In 2007, Oscar the Grouch, entangled within the hinge mechanism of his garbage can and facing death by dehydration, freed himself by sawing off his arm."

(audio effect): sound of sawing

(Oscar the Grouch): "Owwwwwwww."

(photo): Oscar's severed arm, laying on a brick sidewalk

(SPFX): horror movie "about to be killed" sound

(voice-over): "This has been 'Other Inappropriate Sesame Street Skits.' "

••• The Flying Karamazov Brothers juggle. ••• Top Ten Reasons to Be Excited It's October (with juggling) ••• After the TTL, Dave reads a list of the awareness month categories for October. ••• video: a clip of Blake Lively posing for photographers on 53rd Street ••• After commercial, Dave shows an envelope from Producer Brian Teta. On the address label is "October is National Squirrel Awareness Month." ••• Blake Lively plugs The Town. She is hot, by the way. ••• Michael C. Hall plugs Dexter. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/04/10 [3375]: monologue: "In his new hate-filled rant, bin Laden is talking about global warming. Yeah. Global warming. This guy thinks it's hot now, wait until he gets to hell!" ••• Photoshop fun: The new Supreme Court justices posed for a team photo today. Wait a minute. Isn't that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez seated on the front row? ••• monologue: "You all remember Lindsay Lohan. She is the actress who left show business to pursue a career in prison. She has been in rehab so many times, the cafeteria has named a sandwich after her! It's a true story." ••• In India, one of the big crime problems is monkeys. They're considering using big monkeys to police smaller monkeys, and we have an ad for Broadview Monkey Security. / video:

(clips of monkey hijinks, monkeys wearing funny outfits, monkeys committing burglaries, etc.)

(voice-over by Michael Z. McIntee): "Are you tired of being victimized by monkey criminals? Call Broadview Monkey Security to learn how our crime fighting monkeys can protect you from monkey burglars, monkey phone scams, money car jackers, monkey dog jackers and monkey homicide. Broadview: Protecting you from zoo animals since 1923."

••• Rahm Emanuel has left the Obama administration to run for mayor of Chicago. Who will replace him? / video:
(clips of Rahm Emanuel)

(voice-over): "Rahm Emanuel's vacated Chief of Staff post is temporarily being filled by White House adviser Pete Rouse. But who has the pragmatism, influence and popularity to permanently occupy this critically important position? Well, America, you voted, and it's Betty White!

(photo of Betty)

(voice-over): "The White House. Put a tiger in your tank!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about racing. BMW Rahal Letterman Racing Team won the GT Manufacturer and Team titles in the American Le Mans Series on Saturday. Dirk Werner, Bill Auberlen and Tommy Milner were the drivers. Dave shows their car #92, and he wants one of those! Dave claims that he won Best Personality by a TV Host. ••• The Sunday brunch set wants to know who's going to replace Kim Jong-Il. He may have chosen his 27-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un. It's hard to make fun of the new guy, because nobody has seen him, until now. Writer Joe Grossman asked to put together some jokes about the guy. Just back from a dumpling festival, Joe comes out to tell his jokes. He reads from his tattered little pocket notebook. Dave soon stops Joe. It sounds like he's taken Kim Jong-Il jokes and changed the name. Dave asks for jokes about the kid. His patience runs out quickly, as Joe then tells a final joke that was really about the famous cheapskate, King Gustav of Sweden. Dave's had enough, and he kicks Joe out. ••• CNN fired anchor Rick Sanchez late last week after he called Jon Stewart a bigot. / Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses ••• Bruce Willis plugs Red. We all know that Bruce always comes with material, and he sure does tonight. The material is on his head! At first glance, the gooey stuff looks like... well, thankfully it turns out to be styled ground meat. It's a meat hairpiece! (Imagine the buzzards circling when you go outside!) Eventually Bruce produces a fork, and persuades Dave to take a bite. He plays along, but soon has to go backstage to spit it out. / Bruce tells us about an incident with the NFL (the No Fun League). He has a censored clip of "him" naked during a game, on field, pretending to be a referee. / Here's something you won't get from TMZ: When Bruce was in high school he was a warlock, and he's brought a clip. The high schooler's seen in a bar (oddly enough, filled with Late Show staffers) producing drinks for babes with his wand. Seconds after getting fresh with a blonde he miracled a martini for, with the martini still dripping from his face, Bruce the Warlock turns to Sarah Billington, on the other side, who is left speechless by his outfit. / outside cam to Flash Dancers at 1674 Broadway, for a look at a giant movie poster for Red. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Over the years on the Late Show, we've seen "Vegetables That Didn't Win a Prize at the Fair," "Men & Their Vegetables" and "Men & Their Vegetables II." Tonight marks the premiere of "People & Their Vegetables." / Onstage with us tonight is horticulturist Dr. Janice Ryan-Bohac, with her giant, 15-pound sweet potato. / Alan tells us that this 'tater was developed for fuel ethanol and sweet potato chips. ••• will.i.am (William James Adams, Jr.) and Nicky Minaj sing. I thought for a minute that his backup singers were singing "Video Killed the Radio Star," by the Buggles. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a last look at Bruce's hairpiece

10/05/10 [3376]: As the monologue begins, Pat Farmer hands Dave a plaid blankie, which he uses to tuck in an audience babe on the front row. ••• It's a very special evening. The entire balcony is filled with Nobel Prize winners. ••• Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell in Delaware is telling people she's not a witch. / video:

(We see the candidate against a black background.)

(O'Donnell): "I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. None of us are perfect, ..."

(Suddenly O'Donnell's voice deepens considerably.)

(O'Donnell is engulfed in the flames of hell.)

(O'Donnell, now with a deep, demonic voice and red eyes): "... but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us."

••• New solar panels have been installed at the White House. / video: We see the White House, with a tiny bit of smoke drifting up. Then, to our delight, a slice of toast pops up! ••• desk chat: This is a Tuesday episode, and Friday's episodes are taped on Mondays. Dave takes some time to explain his rant on Friday's show about Americans eating lots of cookies, just before Rachael Ray's segment. Then he somehow transitions to "foot long hamburgers," takes on cupcakes, and eating until you explode. He believes that there's no reason for others in the world to be going hungry, given what Americans are doing. Anyway, Rachael's publicist inquired this Tuesday morning if Dave was mad at Rachael. "No, I'm just nuts," Dave explains. ••• after commercial: Dave shows the URL for the World Food Programme: www.wfp.org. ••• Top Ten Bad Campaign Commercial Opening Lines ••• former British Prime Minister Tony Blair plugs his book A Journey - My Political Life. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and bedbug alert ••• It's another segment of "People & Their Vegetables." / Stacey Murphy, of BK Farmyards in Brooklyn, is onstage with her 10-ounce radish. ••• Mavis Staples (with Jeff Tweedy) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/06/10 [3377]: Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 148 years, 8 months, 22 days, 9 hours, 14 minutes, 31 seconds ••• The 2010 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine was awarded to Dr. Robert G. Edwards. / video:

(photo of a Nobel awards ceremony)

(British-sounding voice-over): "The Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine has been awarded to English biologist Robert G. Edwards. Dr. Edwards developed in vitro fertilization, whereby eggs and sperm are mixed outside the body, after which an embryo is placed in the womb to become a child. We wish Dr. Edwards continued success in his current endeavour: mixing eggs, bell pepper and ham to create the world's first test tube omelet. The Nobel Committee: We'll leave the light on for you."

••• We have footage of the Seal of the President of the United States dropping off Barack's podium this week (along with the familiar sound of a dropped manhole cover circling before it comes to rest). "Where were we?" the president asks afterward. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a plug for Mark Schlereth's "Stinkin" Good Green Chile ••• It's rumored that Barack Obama wil ask Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton to trade jobs before the next election. / video:
(voice-over): "According to Bob Woodward, Barack Obama may shuffle members of his administration to help him in the 2012 campaign. Under the plan, Vice-President Joe Biden would be replaced by Hillary Clinton, who would be replaced as Secretary of State by Joe Biden. Tim Geithner would be replaced as Secretary of the Treasury by Ben Bernanke, who would be replaced as Federal Reserve Chairman by Pete Rouse, who would be replaced as Chief of Staff by Ken Salazar, who would be replaced as Secretary of Agriculture by Barack Obama, who would be replaced as President of the United States by Todd the Intern."

(dignified photos of the Late Show's cue card assistant, Todd Seda)

(voice-over): "A message from the Todd Administration."

••• The 1982 telephone doesn't ring, but Dave notices a blinking line light. It's another call from Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Uh. Yeah. Hello. Oh, wait, who is this? Where's Rudy?"

(Dave): "Who is this?"

(Jeff): "This here... this is... this is Carl, vice-president in charge of West Coast spot sales."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "Who the hell is this?"

(Dave): "This is Rudy."

(Jeff): "Rudy! Rudy, can you get out to the lake and caulk my boat? I'll... I'll give you top dollar, bud."

(Dave, laughing): "Now, listen, do me a favor and stop calling, alright?"

(Jeff): "OK. OK. OK. Look. Now, just calm down. I'm, I'm sorry I... I had a couple of cocktails."

(Dave): "OK. Alright, I'm sorry about that, and I'll be happy to go out to the lake to caulk your boat."

(Jeff): "Oh... forget it. I'll get an illegal to do it."

(Dave): "Fine."

(Jeff, as a doggie): "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

(Jeff, yelling): "Billy, get the dogs outside. Get the treats."

(Jeff, as a doggie): "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

(Dave): "Excuse me. Are you alright?"

(Jeff): "Yeah, I'm alright. Hey... let... let... let... let me ask you somethin'. You like card tricks?"

(Dave): "Oh, who doesn't? I love card tricks. Sure."

(Jeff): "Good. Think of any card in the deck, OK?"

(Dave): "OK. I got it."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Is... is... is it the four of hearts?"

(Dave): "No."

(Jeff): "The queen of clubs?"

(Dave): "No."

(Jeff): "Six of diamonds?"

(Dave): "No."

(Jeff): "Alright, the ten of diam... no, dammit... wait a minute. Is it the... the... the... the... the jack of spades?"

(Dave): "You know... uh... this is not really a card trick. You're just... you're just thinking of every damn card in the deck, is what you're doing."

(Jeff, yelling): "Well, how the hell else am I supposed to do it, you idiot?!"

(Audience): applause

(Jeff): "The seven... the seven... the seven of hearts."

(Dave): "Uh... why don't you think of a card, alright?"

(Jeff): "Uh... Uh... Yeah, OK. I got it."

(Dave): "Ace of spades."

(Jeff, yelling): "Son of a bitch! How did you do that, bud?"

(Dave, laughing)

(Jeff): "What... what... what... what are you a physic [sic]?"

(Dave): "Yeah, now listen... Listen... I've gotta go. I'm hanging..."

(Jeff, as a doggie): "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

(Dave): "I'm hanging up now."

(Jeff, as a doggie): "Bow wow wow."

(Dave hangs up.): "Alright."

••• Top Ten Signs There Is Trouble at Fox News ••• David Axelrod, Senior Adviser to the President ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Julie Chen plugs The Talk. •••

10/07/10 [3378]: with theme music: Dave does his usual wacky run across the stage, followed soon thereafter by (presumably) Don Hewitt, the Man on Fire, engulfed in flames. ••• Conan has a blimp to promote his new show. And how does CBS promote Dave, who's been with the Tiffany Network for 17.1 years? / video: An outside cam zooms in on the street signs at 53rd St. and Broadway. Close up, we're able to read the felt marker message on a small, yellow balloon: "WATCH DAVE." ••• Charlie, the smoking chimpanzee, has kicked the bucket at the age of 52. He was in a zoo in South Africa. We have footage. (Cue footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoying a reefer prior to his election as Governor of California.) Maybe it's for a movie part, but why is his real name on his T-shirt?" ••• Donald Trump is running for President of the United States. Here's what it would be like if he's president. / Photoshop fun: President Trump has all four faces of Mount Rushmore, each with a different expression, but the same eerily luxurious hair. ••• "Notable Political Quotes" / video:

(art card)

(voice-over): "Christine O'Donnell: "I'm not a witch." Richard Nixon: "I'm not a crook." George W. Bush: "I'm not allowed to use the stove by myself."

(art card and voice-over): "Thanks for watching this fake announcement."

••• The Philadelphia Phillies' Roy Halladay pitched the second no-hitter in postseason history on Wednesday. We see a clip of the final out last night. Holladay winds up and lets her rip. The batter, catcher and ump vaporize in a flaming inferno, but that's not all. All the fans behind home plate, their seats and the concourse have disintegrated, as well, and we see rush hour traffic outside. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey! You in the front row, clipping your nails. Knock it off. It's disgusting!" ••• desk chat: Dave has no problem with a witch running for the United States Senate. A Senator with witchical powers might accomplish her duties easier. Regardless, the Christine O'Donnell story is getting stranger. First she claimed that she is not a witch. Listen to her now. / video:
(We see the candidate against a black background.)

(O'Donnell): "I'm not a sandwich. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. I'm Christine O'Donnell, and my dark lord approved this message."

••• interruption: Dave hears voices on the set. It's four 30ish, well-dressed individuals, two females and two males, hanging out on the stage floor. (One of them is Segment Producer Sarah Billington, which is excellent.)
(Dave, to Paul): "What is that? Where did they come from? Do you know those people?"

(Paul has no idea.)

(Dave, to the group): "Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, I'm sorry... we're doing a TV show. I'm sorry."

(arrogant bastard): "Barely. It seems more like a funeral."

(Dave): "Well, that's not... I'm going to have to ask you kids to leave."

(arrogant bastard): "Oh, well, I'm sorry. I think I'm going to have to ask you to go givl yourself."

(Paul): "Hey. Hey. Hey."

(Dave): "I'm going to call security, because I don't like your tone."

(arrogant bastard): "Oh, yeah, I don't think you want to do that, Muncie."

(Dave, irritated): "Yeah, and why not?"

(arrogant bastard): "I'm Alden Emerson Provost. 'Yesterday my daddy bought CBS,' ring a bell?"

(Dave, putting down the phone receiver): "Oh... yeah... well... OK. Maybe... maybe we can have a little chat, then, afterward!"

(arrogant bastard, laughing): "Ha! Ha ha! Look at the little suck-up!"

(Paul): "Hey!"

(arrogant bastard): "Classic. He's totally scared djoy-less!

(Dave): "Well, no, I don't... I don't... I'm not really that scared, and..."

(arrogant bastard): "Now, look. Daddy asked me to check this thing out. I'm dumping you, OK? Tomorrow the show will just be me and my friends, hanging out, listening to some Vampire Weekend. You know... just totally being chill and hilarious."

(Me): Anybody have a rifle?

(Dave): "So... I'm done?"

(arrogant bastard, in a high, mocking tone): " 'Oh, I'm done?' "

(Dave): "I didn't... I didn't say it like that."

(arrogant bastard, rising to exit): "Let's go. Jackie's parents are out of town. We can drink over there, guys."

(Dave, laughing): "Wait a minute! You're going to Jackie's house? To drink?"

(Paul): "I love it!"

(Dave): "Wow! I don't know... he seemed like a nice kid. Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten. Let's go!"

(Top Ten opening montage)

(Dave, taking a drink from his official Late Show mug): "Kid was in his 40s!"

••• (Alden Emerson Provost is played by Chris Albers.) ••• Top Ten Signs You'll Never Win a Nobel Prize / #5: You only get nominated for the less prestigious daytime Nobel Prize. ••• Stephen Colbert tells us about his March to Keep Fear Alive, scheduled for October 30 in Washington, D.C. (Dave was cool, and didn't pronounce the t in Report.) Stephen informs us that he's staging his rally to stop Jon Stewart from succeeding with his Rally to Restore Sanity, which Stephen thinks is crazy! Since it's the day before Halloween, he has told participants to come in costume, as what he has told them to fear, e.g., immigrants, Canadians, people who look like Paul Shaffer, etc. Then, on the 31st, his participants can go door-to-door, helping to spread the message of fear, while receiving sugary treats. Stephen's steamed that Stewart got the Mall, because he's teacher's pet. Just remember, Stephen cautions us, "The price of liberty is vigilance and paranoia." ••• "People & Their Vegetables" / Chris Kent from Sevierville, Tennessee has a top-quality, 291-pound watermelon, Alan Kalter reports. The previous world-record melon weighed in at 268 pounds. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave demonstrates a special signal for Executive Producer Barbara Gaines. He lays two fingers on his left forearm. Let's all remember to watch for that. ••• Johnny Knoxville plugs Jackass 3-D, and tells us all about his catheter. ••• Gorillaz sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with short credits: a final look at the "WATCH DAVE" balloon

10/08/10 [3379]: monologue: Dave gives the business to an audience guy wearing a plaid shirt. ••• video: It's another look at the Obama back yard press conference that was interrupted (supposedly) by lawn sprinklers. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has another rant about overweight Americans and their cookies, cupcakes and designer cakes. We should become communists, because they only have one kind of cookie. Dave shows a reusable CBS interoffice routing envelope. From it he extracts and eats a chocolate chip cookie. It must have been a present from Eric Stangel, because he had the envelope last. This is a capitalist cookie! ••• "People & Their Vegetables" / Alan Kalter introduces Tom Culton of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has brought a four-foot, 70-pound, organic, Long of Naples squash. ••• Top Ten Things You Should Know About Kim Jong Un ••• Rachael Ray ••• Upon orders from Gaines, or someone, Dave holds up the latest copy of D - The Dave Magazine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: It's plugs for the World Food Programme (www.wfp.org) and Rachael Ray's site (www.yum-o.org). ••• Allan Havey does stand-up. ••• Antony & the Johnsons with the CBSO ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/11/10 [3380]: Charlie, the smoking chimpanzee, kicked the bucket at the age of 52 on October 6. He lived in a zoo in South Africa. (Cue footage of Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoying a reefer prior to his election as Governor of California.) ••• interruption: What is Alan Kalter up to now? He's in a black vampire outfit (one of those deals with high collars), make-up and the works. When interrogated by Dave, Alan explains that he wanted to dress as Columbus for Columbus Day, but this was all that Costume Designer Sue Hum could come up with on short notice. ••• The trapped Chilean miners may be rescued soon. Somehow or other, this gets tied to Harry Smith's March 10 colonoscopy, and we have footage: It's that black & white movie clip of a man and woman exploring a cave. ••• That good-for-nothing Osama bin Laden has cranked out a new video for all of us to enjoy. / video: Osama and his sidekick are seen in a morning talk show which bears a strong resemblence to Live with Regis and Kelly. /

(voice-over): "Live from the lawless tribal belt near the Afghan border, it's Live! with Osama and Ayman, starring Osama bin Laden and Ayman Al-Zawahiri. And now... here's Osama and Ayman."

(Cut to our hosts, seated at a table.)

(Osama): "So tell me about your evening."

(Ayman): "I went to a birthday party for Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. He never made it. A Predator drone took him out. Here's a clip."

(sound of a missile screaming toward its target)

(clip): Kaboom!

(Ayman): "Oh, how I miss him! How about you?"

(Osama): "I had dinner with Mullah Omar and Don Rickles. You know Omar. Always got to the can right when the check comes. Isn't that right, Gelman?"

(shot of Gelman)

(Osama): "We'll be right back with LL Cool J."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights (Alan has a very high voice. He must have had a shot of helium.) ••• out of commercial: The CBSO plays a number by Solomon Burke, The King of Rock 'N Soul, who died on October 10. (Solomon appeared on LSDL on 7/16/02, 2/21/03 and 2/28/05.) ••• Art Kelly in "Coach's Corner with San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Mike Singletary" ••• Top Ten Brett Favre Excuses ••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• "People & Their Vegetables" /
Alan tells us that Brett Acker of Alpine, New Jersey is in with his world-record, 8-lb., 6-oz., honey-baked ham. My, oh my, is it a beauty! (His mother baked it, actually.) Wait a minute. Strictly speaking, a baked ham isn't considered a vegetable, at least in the Western Hemisphere. Also, the more we think about it, why is Producer Brian Teta onstage instead of the real Brett Acker? Uh oh. Brian begins his signature side-to-side eye movements, which we observe every time he gets in the doghouse. We see this coming down Broadway, a mile away: Brian's gonna take a powder. He takes off in a dead run, then turns a U turn at the edge of the stage to come back for his prized ham. He then sprints out the back of the theater, carrying the evidence like a football, thankfully negotiating the Biff Henderson Stairs without injury. I'm sure Bill DeLace will teach him a thing or two off camera!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: a plug for the live Webcast with My Morning Jacket, tomorrow evening on cbs.com ••• after commercial: We have a replay of Brett's escape a few minutes earlier. ••• Geoffrey Canada, of the Harlem Children's Zone, tells about his work to improve education for inner-city kids. He's featured in Davis Guggenheim's documentary, Waiting for Superman. ••• Mark Ronson and The Business Intl. (with special guests Q-Tip and MNDR) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/12/10 [3381]: At 8 P.M. Eastern: My Morning Jacket appears in a live Webcast from the Ed Sullivan Theater. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter has an Apple iPhone™ or iPod Touch™, and he wants to e-mail Dave a picture of his deal. Ewww. We've seen the writers put Alan up to some crazy stuff, but where did this come from? There are reports all over the Internet that Mr. Brett Favre engaged in this practice with a certain unwilling model. How will the accusers ever prove this allegation? Hmm. Anybody ever seen Porky's? Big Red's having quite a week, considering his vampire incident last night. ••• Juan James Rodriguez was arrested on October 10 for streaking near Barack Obama, qualifying him for a $1,000,000 cash payoff from billionaire Alki David. It's been done. / Photoshop fun: It's a streaker at one of Franklin D. Roosevelt's numerous inaugurations! ••• Back to deal with Brett Favre's deal a bit more: It's not the first time various media have been used to discuss "stuff." We have a brand new segment, "Obscenity and Technology: The Early Years." / video:

(photo): It's old-time dudes (all with mustaches) in 1847, gathered around Samuel F. B. Morse.

(Morse, by Morse code): "My privates are substantial."

(art card and silly music): "Obscenity and Technology: The Early Years"

As an amateur radio operator for the past 30 years, I can assure you that the beeping sounds we heard were not Mr. Morse's code.

••• Breaking news: The first of the Chilean miners, trapped underground since August 5, was rescued today. From the World Mining Association and NASA, there's a dramatic simulation of the procedure. / animation: We see a cross-section of the path to the mine, and some heroic plunger work to suck out the first survivor. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights (not on helium tonight) ••• desk chat: Once again, Dave complains about the latest audience preshow question. Lance, a former weatherman at the Los Angeles flagship station, KCBS-TV, knew about the stormy weather in the New York area over the weekend. He asked Dave if he ever gets the urge to report a storm warning at home, in his underpants. No. Dave has a blue card from Mike McIntee. It turns out that Lance Orozco is the news director at KCLU, and he won the 2010 Edward R. Murrow award for a story he did, "The Oldest Dodger." ••• TBS is using an orange blimp to promote Conan O'Brien's new show, to premiere on November 8. / video: In a scene from Collision Course (1989), Noriyuki "Pat" Morita and Jay Leno are packing heat. Leno shoots the blimp, which bursts into flames, just like the Hindenburg. ••• Karl Rove claims that Barack Obama has an enemies list. / Top Ten Entries on Barack Obama's Enemies List (with a cameo by audio technician Tom Herrmann, scowling) ••• Matt Damon plugs Hereafter, and gives us his latest Matthew McConaughey impression. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave gives Paul the business about his harmonica playing skills, but that's just a stall for time, so stagehands can pull a cute little Conan blimp across the backdrop, on a string. ••• My Morning Jacket sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/13/10 [3382]: monologue: "Oh, it's fall. Don't you love fall, ladies and gentleman? Typically, as you know, in the fall, parts of Regis Philbin change color and drop off." — David Letterman ••• "Nature Finds a Way" / video:

(title graphics and theme song)

(Chilean miner rescue footage)

(voice-over): "Upon examining the 33 rescued Chilean miners, doctors were amazed to find that six of them are pregnant."

(doctored photo, we hope, of a guy with a pregnant abdomen)

(Barry White voice-over): "Oh, baby!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Nature Finds a Way.' "

••• It's the latest commercial from our heroes at BP. / video:
(Chilean miner rescue footage)

(BP logo)

(voice-over): "We here at BP know how concerned all of you are about the dozens of miners surfacing from underground in Chile. Well, we're happy to report that earlier today, we successfully capped the shaft, to prevent other miners from getting out."

(BP logo)

(voice-over): "BP. We get it."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and the CBSO with U2's "Beautiful Day" ••• desk chat: Dave says he was up all night watching the Chilean miners' rescue. He takes some time to make up a ridiculous story. Anyway, we have video from CNN.
(rescue video)

(voice-over): "The first miner was freed late Tuesday, and the Fenix 2 capsule worked nonstop through the night, ably bringing one miner after another to the surface, except for one time, when it took a wrong turn and ended up in an elevator shaft in Manitoba."

(video from the 7th floor of the Ed Sullivan Theater): Writer Joe Grossman, wearing a miner's hard hat and lamp, emerges from an elevator.

(Joe, looking around): "Hello. I'm out! Where is everybody? Ay, dios mio."

(voice-over): "Ken Erwin, CNN, Copiapo, Chile."

••• desk chat: Dave asks Barbara Gaines if she's booked the 33 Chilean miners for the Late Show. "We're looking into it," Gaines replies, "We've had a lot of meetings." ••• Top Ten Things Going Through the Chilean Miners' Minds in the Rescue Capsule ••• outside cam: Hilary Swank entering the Ed from 53rd St. ••• Hilary Swank plugs Conviction. I've always liked Hilary. She had a great segment tonight. Dave has set up a fun activity for her. The CBSO are going to play a couple of chords of 70s tunes, and Hilary's supposed to guess them.
  1. Taste of Honey: "Boogie Oogie Oogie" (Ding!) (and Hilary sings along!) (Nice work, Will Lee.)
  2. Bill Withers: "Lovely Day" (Ding!) (Hilary loves that song.)
  3. Earth, Wind and Fire: "Can't Hide Love" (Ding!)
  4. Rod Stewart: "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" (Ding!)
Hilary nailed every one! ••• "Is This Anything"? / The scrim rises. We see a woman playing a violin, while enclosed in one of those giant, transparent balls that kids can play in. Also included in the giant ball are some random white balloons. The violinist is Irene Fong. Paul says yes. Dave says yes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg of ESPN's Mike & Mike in the Morning

10/14/10 [3383]: What a nice surprise! Tonight the entire balcony is occupied by Chilean miners. ••• Are the Yankees' pitchers too old? You decide. / photo: Hmm. They're four geezers with large tummies. In fact, they're so tubby that Dave calls for a second look at 'em. ••• The Chilean miners were all safely rescued on Tuesday, but there's still a live feed. Let's check in. / video: In the background we see some wreckage. In the foreground is a hotel housekeeper's cart. She's emptying a wastebasket, and finishes by spraying some air freshener. All is well. ••• All the news people were trying to outdo each other on the mine story. Here's a clip. / CNN/Larry King Live breaking news:

(news guy, with a model of the Fenix 2): "Now I'm going to get into this thing, because that's why they built it. It's 21 inches across. And you can get in it. It's not big. You know what? Our Michael Holmes... I know you know Michael Holmes. He..."

Oh, no. The news guy must have pushed a button or something. The Fenix 2 blasts off. Seconds later it's in outer space, headed straight for the inferno of the sun. Poof!

••• Alan Kalter delivers his Big Show Highlights, and a shout out to audio boom operator Al Norwood. CBS is honoring Al this month for 50 years of service to the network. ••• Here we go again. It's another mishap with the audience pre-show questions. Wes from Chicago wanted to know about Dave's land speed record, as our host was notorious for speeding tickets in the days when he commuted to 30 Rock from Appleton, Wisconsin. Wes's personal record is 142 MPH on a motorcycle in Arizona. Anyway, back in the day, Dave was in a Porsche 944 Turbo on the Long Island Expressway, near the Atlantic, when he hit 140. On the Autobahn in Germany, he hit 150. ••• There was great celebration in Chile as the miners began to be rescued on the 12th. Dave reminds us of the Late Show's support of the miners. It's a clip of the Sept. 20 clip of Carrie, the dancing golden retriever, from Santiago, Chile. ••• It's Jeff Altman, as a drunken ne'er-do-well, calling on Dave's 1972 desk phone. /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Yeah. Is... is... is this The Weather Channel?"

(Dave): "Yeah, hang on. Let me check."

(pause)

(Jeff, muttering to himself): "I don't know what he's checking about. I don't even know why I'm listening."

(Dave): "Hi. Weather Channel. Can I help you?"

(Jeff): "Well, I, I, I was on the roof, fixing the antenna so I could watch the Expos game, when a fire cane comes and knocks me on my ass."

(Dave): "I'm sorry, you said a... what was that... a fire cane? What exactly is that? A fire cane?

(Jeff): "Yeah, that's right, donkey djoy." (Pause.) "So... listen, I, I fell off the roof, with my underpants smokin' like Yul Brenner."

(Paul): "Ha ha ha."

(Jeff): "Are you listenin' to this, corndog?"

(Dave): "Yeah, I'm listening. Yes, I am. It's a fascinating story!"

(Jeff): "So... so... so now I'm, I'm, I'm locked out on the porch with my junk on fire..."

(Dave, laughing): "Uh huh."

(Jeff): "...and... and there's a bunch of feral dogs circling me."

(Jeff, howling like a feral dog)

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah."

(Jeff): "So... so, can you, can you tell me if it's gonna rain?"

(Dave): "Uh... uh... you know, I don't know. Where are you located?"

(Jeff): "Who do I givling look like, Rand McNally?"

(Dave, laughing): "Wow. Wow. Man alive. Yeah."

(Jeff): "Hey... by the way... do you know if Rand McNally is still alive?"

(Dave): "I don't... I don't know. It's a company name. Maybe two guys. I just don't know. I don't even know if it's a real person. I'm sorry."

(Jeff): "Yeah, yeah... well, how, how, how about Victor Mature?"

(Dave): "I don't know. Maybe he's passed away."

(Jeff): "Oh, well, good. Well, listen. Listen, can you, can you send over a locksmith to let me into my house? My neighbor's got a one-eyed monkey that's lookin' me at me funny."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "I, I mean, this is some crazy Jane Goodall djoy, like, you know, "Who who who who who who who who who who who who who."

(Paul): "Ha ha!"

(Dave): "OK. I'll tell you what. Let me put you on hold, and I'll come back and get your address, OK?"

(Jeff): "Yeah, alright. Who who who who who who who. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr."

(Dave): hangs up

••• after commercial: Dave gives a shout out to Felicia Collins, who's just turned in a great performance. ••• Via satellite from Philadelphia, All-Star first baseman from the Philadelphia Phillies, Ryan Howard, presents the Top Ten Reasons to Watch the Baseball Playoffs. ••• Sean "Diddy" Combs plugs his new album, Last Train to Paris. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Alan Kalter is wearing his Halloween outfit, and he has a tall, red Mohawk. A sleeveless, camo shirt is adorned with about 50 pounds of gold jewelry. He says he's a red-headed Mr. T, but it's a goof. Alan thinks the show that made him famous was ridiculous. Moments later, Mr. T shows up on the set and lays some serious words on Alan, for taking his name in vain, then stolls off the set. (Michael Z. McIntee voices over an ad for Gold Promise... whatever that is.) A few seconds later, Mr. T doubles back and punches Alan out cold. "Trick or treat, sucker," Mr. T says. ••• Emma Stone plugs Easy A. ••• with short credits: a shot of Emma's mother, up in the balcony in the CBS seats

10/15/10 [3384]: monologue: The mid-term elections are coming soon, and Dave has commissioned a CBS poll. / "CBS News Projection 2010 Midterm Elections" / video:

(title graphic)

(colored-state U.S. map graphics)

(voice-over): "Based on the latest poll, CBS News is projecting that in five states, the Democrats will pick up House seats."

("yes" ding)

(voice-over): "As many as 18 states will see gains by the Republicans."

("yes" ding)

(voice-over): "And 27 states will elect witches."

(six "yes" dings)

(voice-over): "This has been a 'CBS News Projection of the 2010 Midterm Elections.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reminds us that there are lots of TV shows you can see in New York City, but only one has the CBS Orchestra, America's mighty, mighty party and show band. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Sioux City Journal, Sioux City, Iowa: "Free pair of parekett's [sic] to good family. To [sic] small to eat."
  • Palm Coast Observer, Palm Coast, Florida: "Larceny - Motor Vehicle. The man stated the GPS, satellite radio and his safety equipment were all still in the vehicle. The only things taken were a soda from his cooler and two AA batteries."
  • Daily Star, Hammond, Louisiana: Shorty's Ribs & Seafood ad: "Wednesday Rib Special: tender as a baby's heart. $7.99."
  • Morning Call, Allentown, Pennsylvania: garage/yard sales: "LEFT THE BASTARD / NOW NEED $ SALE"
  • Balaton Press-Tribune: "A home girls' basketball game... has been rescheduled to Monday, Feb. 22. A boys' basketball game... has tentatively been rescheduled for Saturday, Feb. 22."
  • Star-News, McCall, Idaho: "Spurrin' for Jesus Chili Cook-off: Beef, Wild Game, Vegetarian and Road Kill"
  • Daily Record, Dunn, North Carolina: Dunn Police Reports: "Dunn Police charged a Fayetteville man with driving a stolen vehicle after the man reportedly stopped to ask police for directions."
  • North Country This Week, Pottsdam, New York: "Dog puts car in reverse, hits another car behind. The dog was not charged."
  • Akron Beacon-Journal, Akron Ohio: Police News: "An East North Street woman called police Sept. 19 to report that her husband said she is fat."
  • Warren County Record Warrenton, Missouri: (picture of a bespectacled bride) "Can you identify the man in this week's photo?"
••• desk chat: Dave has a map of Florida. He circles Palm Coast and St. Augustine. Paul was right. Palm Coast is on the Atlantic coast! ••• David Duchovny plugs his new play, The Break of Noon. ••• Kim Jong-Il is groomin his kid, Kim Jong Un as his successor, but few have seen what he looks like. / outside cam to Broadway, to the Brooklyn Decker billboard, which is unveiled as Kim Jong Un's picture / Talk about a downgrade! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Saturday, Oct. 16 is World Food Day. The Late Show invites us to sign the petition at www.1billionhungry.org. ••• Amy Sedaris plugs her book, Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People. Also, we get an update on Amy's imaginary boyfriend, Ricky. He was murdered. Amy also has a "Small Town News" item, which decorum prohibits quoting here. She has a brand new knitted cellular phone. Boy, does she make people wonder when she operates that thing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/18/10: REPEAT FROM 9/21/10

10/19/10: REPEAT FROM 10/07/10

10/20/10: REPEAT FROM 9/09/10

10/21/10: REPEAT FROM 9/28/10 / Dave and writer Joe Grossman (as Doug Templeton) show up on Jon Stewart's "Night of Too Many Stars" (an autism research benefit) to confront Jon on winning so many Emmy awards.

10/22/10: REPEAT FROM 9/22/10

10/25/10 [3385]: interruption: Audio boom man Al Norwood hollers "Dave" until he has his attention. Al has a set of naked photos of Brett Favre to offer Dave. No sale. ••• Sarah Palin is in the doghouse for signing a U.S. flag. / video:

(video of Palin's indiscretion)

(voice-over): "At a campaign event in Reno, Sarah Palin violated United States flag code by writing on an American flag. In response, she issued the following apology."

(animation): The red and white stripes from a flag are loaded in a typewriter. Sarah types,

"DEAR AMERICA,
 OOPS!
 LUV, SARAH"

(voice-over): "A message from Vice President Palin."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a promotion to get future Korean dictator Kim Jung Un on Saturday Night Live ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about Paul's appointment to the Order of Canada in 2007. Dave thinks it's called the Snowflake. Anyway, he claims Paul got him a replica lapel medal to wear, leading Paul to fear that Sergeant Preston of the Yukon is going to come and arrest him. Biff brings out an odd-looking jacket with the medal attached. Was it illegal for Dave to wear it? Will Canada take away Paul's honour? At this point Dave gets the Late Show aaoogah horn for a vocabulary mishap. ••• after commercial: Dave now goes to work on Executive Producer Barbara Gaines. He wants to speak to a representative of Canada, to check on any possible treaties. Stay tuned. ••• Charles Barkley interview / Charles gained 100 pounds after his basketball career. He's lost 44 so far. Dave tells how a staffer lost all kinds of weight with that awful wheat grass beverage. He cons Charles into drinking a shot of the nasty, awful stuff, conveniently forgetting to drink his own shot. After several discussions of the nasty concoction, Dave finally reveals that the staffer is warm-up comedian Eddie Brill, who has lost 103 pounds so far, from his one-time high of 360 pounds. ••• on the phone: Dave visits with Gabrielle Lappa from Ottawa, Director of the Honours Directorate. After learning the details of the medal scandal, Gabrielle tells Dave that it's no big deal. ••• Garry Dell'Abate of the Howard Stern Show plugs his book, They Call Me Baba Booey. ••• Kings of Leon sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.


Order of Canada

10/26/10 [3386]: monologue: Dave tells a mildly suggestive joke about the late Paul the Octopus's tentacles, then asks Cue Card Technician Tony Mendez to display the cue card in question. I don't think a single home viewer thought of the recent controversy over Brett Favre being accused of sending photos of his tentacles. ••• "Halloween on a Budget" / video:

(art card and peppy intro music)

(photo of quality Mars® candy items)

(voice-over): "No need to buy expensive candy to give to trick-or-treaters. Just give them a handful of pumpkin innards."

(clip of homeowner scooping pumpkin guts into a delighted trick-or-treater's container)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Halloween on a Budget.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and the CBSO with the Spencer Davis Group's "Gimme Some Lovin' " ••• desk chat: Dave says that some of the songs on Taylor Swift's new CD are about past relationships with boys. Dave claims that one of those songs is about him. The title? "Guess Again, Dumbass." ••• Brett Favre recently injured an ankle. / video:
(Green Bay Packers action photos)

(voice-over): "Brett Favre regrets to announce that x-rays to his ankle reveal a stress fracture..."

(ankle x-ray)

(voice-over): "...and a second avulsion fracture in the heel bone. And, while we're looking at pictures, here's an x-ray of something else I think you might enjoy."

(x-ray of a pelvis, with porno music)

(Barry White): "Ohhhh, baby."

(voice-over): "Good night, everybody."

••• Art Kelly in "Coach's Corner with San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Mike Singletary" ••• Top Ten Signs There's Trouble in the Democratic Party ••• Taylor Swift interview ••• interruption: What has happened to picture quality? It's a blurred, black and white image. After several of these incidents, Dave knows where to start, with none other than legendary cameraman Dave Dorsett. He's using a handheld camera. Dave wonders where the HD camera went. Dorsett confesses that he sold it so he could buy a new Datsun. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Election Did You Know": In 1876 the presidential election ended in a tie, and the winner was determined by height. ••• odd Dave moment: Dave has sign language for Barbara Gaines. (See October 7.) ••• Seth Meyers and his goat pictures ••• video: Taylor Swift signing autographs on 53rd St. ••• Taylor Swift sings her new song, "Speak Now." It was cute! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/27/10 [3387]: Whoops! It's been quite a while, but Dave's tie is too short. Will he trim it during tonight's telecast? ••• Charlie Sheen has had another of his infamous incidents, which brings us to "Charlie Sheen 911 Call." / video:

(mugshot of Charlie Sheen, with the banner AUDIO OF 911 CALL REPORTING CHARLIE SHEEN)

(prerecorded 911 answer): "Thank you for calling 911. To report Charlie Sheen driving his car off a cliff, press 1. To report Charlie Sheen drunk and naked on your lawn, press 2. To report Charlie Sheen trashing your hotel, press 3."

(next screen): "All of our Charlie Sheen operators are busy. Please hold."

(We hear interlude music, which sounds like Homer Simpson.)

••• LeBron James ran off from his hometown Cleveland Cavaliers to the Miami Heat. Last night the Heat played in Boston. Uh oh. / video:
(action clip of LeBron)

(clip): LeBron's at a free throw line on the Boston Celtics' court. He carefully takes aim.

(Marv Albert's play-by-play): "LeBron just three of seven at the line..."

(wacky animation): As LeBron is about to shoot, a perfect 12-foot-diameter circle around the free throw line opens up on a hinge. LeBron plunges to his death.

(the crowd): cheers wildly

(voice-over): "The NBA on TNT will return in a moment."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has another account of phone calls with his mother, Dorothy. In the early days, Dorothy had three topics: 1) her cats (deceased 10 years ago), 2) her garden (out of season) and 3) the weather. Now there's just the weather. Yesterday there was crazy weather in the Midwest, with record lows, high winds and a super storm. Dorothy reports, "We're fine." However, she was at a doctor's office on a fourth floor, and they were evacuated to the second floor. When Dorothy asked about the weather at his place, Dave reported, "Well, it's 80 degrees, it's very humid, it's muggy and it's drizzling." Dorothy replied, "Oh, that sounds nice." ••• The World Series, with the Texas Rangers and the San Francisco Giants, began tonight. / CNN video:
(baseball stadium scenes)

(voice-over): "The Rangers and Giants faced off in game one of the 2010 World Series tonight in San Francisco. Many fans and celebrities were in attendance, including former Rangers owner George W. Bush, who unfortunately thought the game was being played in Texas."

(photo of a stadium with only one fan in the seats: George W. Bush)

(voice-over): "Christopher Klein, CNN, San Francisco."

••• interruption after the TTL opening: We hear a voice from the audience. It's Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson, supervising an assistant on a project.
(Jay): "OK. Alright. Can we kinda fix him up... maybe prop his arms up a little bit? I'm gonna put another one next to him, I think, ..."

(Dave): "Now, what's that?"

(Jay, continuing): "... and maybe we'll need a couple more up front."

(Dave, to Paul): "Did you hear that?"

(Paul): "I hear something."

(Dave, to Jay): "Wait a minute. Excuse me. I'm sorry. You... right there... what are you doin'?"

(Jay, holding a mannequin, beside a seated mannequin): "Hi. I'm sorry. I'm Dan, from the Audience Department."

(Dave): "Yeah. Hi, Dan."

(Jay): "Uh, you know, it's impossible to find enough people who want to see the show, so we're just filling the empty seats with mannequins."

(Dave): "Oh."

(Paul): "Oh."

(Dave): "Wow. So, wait a minute. How many... how many are we talkin' about?"

(Jay): "Well, just a few here. But, I mean, this is a good night. The other night we had over a hundred!"

(Dave): "Well, now, that hurts my feelings. We can't get people to see the show?"

(Jay): "I'm sorry, but look at it this way. They're not going to laugh, but on the other hand they're not going to leave. I think you come out ahead!"

(close-up of a mannequin)

(Dave): "I know that guy!"

••• Top Ten Ways This Year's World Series Is Unlike Any Other ••• desk chat: Dave: "I wonder how that works in Hollywood. I mean... Lindsay Lohan gets tired of goofin' around, and she finally says, 'Look. I'm exhausted, Charlie. You do somethin' whacky. You take over for a couple of weeks.' (Charlie) 'OK, I've got it. I know what I'm gonna do!' " ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "A reminder. CBS is the Tiffany Network. Gentlemen viewing our programming are asked to wear a jacket and tie." ••• Dana Carvey ••• Lisa Kelly plugs Ice Road Truckers: Deadliest Roads. ••• Michael Franti and Spearhead sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/28/10 [3388]: We have the midterm elections next week. How about that Tea Party? They're thinking ahead. / video:

(candidate clips and photos)

(voice-over): "From Christine O'Donnell claiming to be a witch, to Sharon Angle insulting a room full of Latinos, America has fallen in love with those wacky Tea Partiers. Good news..."

(cllp of Sarah Palin)

(voice-over continues): "...The Tea Party's already looking for nut jobs to run in the 2012 election. So tell us if you know someone who's a little off because they got hit in the head."

(clip of a guy launching a pumpkin with a giant slingshot, which immediately recoils and smacks him right in the noggin)

(voice-over): "The Tea Party: When you're nuts, you're family!"

••• The World Series began last night. Dave's irritated because it's on another network, and they won't provide any highlights. Dave's fixed them but good. He has stolen some clips. / "World Series Play of the Game" /
(art card and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2")

(play-by-play announcer): "That's a line drive, base hit to right. Giants are on the board. In to score, Rick ???"

(video): All we see is a little circle on the baseball as it's in play.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "New Halloween Costumes"
  1. leftover cellular phone accessories (Bathroom tile caulk is the treat.)
  2. Late Show audio man, Tom Herrmann, at his mixer board (caulk) / cameo of the always-scowling Tom
  3. Polly-O® expired mozzarella cheese (caulk and past issues of The Economist)
  4. FENIX 2 rescue capsule (Meinecke $15 gift certificate)
  5. disposable floss stick (Sony Walkman)
  6. New York City pothole (salt and pepper packets)
  7. Writer Joe Grossman shows up. He likes candy. He has a kid with him, who he claims is writer Andy Breckman. Dave boots 'em both.
  8. New York City garbage can full of broken umbrellas (fat guy jeans)
  9. Justin Bieber's hair (Antonio Banderas cologne)
  10. Dave catches an old guy hanging around. I think he's the real Andy Breckman. He boots him.
••• Dave recognizes Slash (Saul Hudson, formerly of Guns N' Roses) sitting in on guitar. ••• Top Ten Least Popular Halloween Candies ••• Will Ferrell plugs Megamind. Will favors us with a musical number, as he claims to be booked to sub in for Celine Dion, who gave birth to twins a few days ago. Will's bad... real bad. The tympani and harp were OK. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: It's the traditional kids' pizza party in the green room, with Joe Grossman, of course. ••• It's a repeat of last night's video of LeBron James's ill-fated free throw on the Celtics' court. ••• Kid Cudi sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/29/10 [3389]: When you live in the White House, even trick or treating gets complicated. / "Halloween Trick or Treating Procedures for the White House" / video:

(clip): trick or treating kids

(voice-over): "Hey, kids... looking for Halloween fun in Washington, D. C.? Come trick or treat at the White House! It's easy to participate.

  • Just register at FBI Headquarters Saturday morning.
  • An agent will review your parents' files (including all wiretapped phone calls and intercepted e-mails).
  • If your family is deemed acceptable, you'll be asked to report in costume to the interrogation facility in Bethesda, Maryland.
  • CIA officials will quiz you about your associates, activities and political beliefs.
  • Assuming you pass, you'll be sequestered in a holding area until Halloween night.
  • Once at the White House, you'll be wanded, interviewed again and given a federal trick or treater number. (photo of a young gentleman bearing number 15277384923827)
  • Say 'trick or treat' to the President. You'll receive a small package of sugar-free jelly beans in the mail within six to eight weeks.
  • Hope to see you Sunday night, and happy Halloween!"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has facts about Guam. ••• "Joe Grossman's Political Round-up" / Joe comes onstage with three extremely gorgeous 20-something females.
(Dave): "Well, Joe, we're just a few days away from the big midterm election. What do you have for us on tonight's 'Joe Grossman's Political Round-up?' "

(Joe): "According to several new polls, Democrat Joe Sestak has taken the lead over Republican Pat Toomey in the Pennsylvania Senate race. If Democrats manage to hold on to the seat, it would all but end the GOP's chances of taking control of the United States Senate."

(blonde in blue dress): "Joe, you're so handsome."

(blonde in red dress): "And so funny."

(brunette in black): "Joe, make love to me."

(blonde in blue dress): "Make love to all three of us."

(blonde in red dress): shakes head "yes"

(Joe): "OK."

(Dave): "I'm going to put a stop to this right now. This is just a little skit you wrote, isn't it, Joe?"

(Joe): "Yes."

(Dave): "And all you really wanted to do was come out here with three beautiful women. Isn't that true?"

(Joe): shakes head "yes"

(Dave): "Just get out of here!"

(The foursome exit the stage, with Joe taking a wrong turn, as usual.)

••• Amare'e Stoudemire of the New York Knicks presents the Top Ten Reasons Amar'e Stoudemire Is Excited to Play Basketball in New York. ••• Michael J. Fox plugs the 25th anniversary DVD of Back to the Future, and updates us on Parkinson's disease research. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Shaun White plugs his video game. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/01/10 [3390]: Will Lee does his Dick Cheney dungeon scream. ••• A Rand Paul supporter has been arrested for allegedly stomping or stepping on the head of Lauren Valle on October 25. What better occasion for a new creative presentation of the Late Show's interactive TV gag? / "Rand Paul Stomping Experience" / video:

(photo of Rand Paul in front of the United States Capitol)

(voice-over): "Place head on screen now."

(animation): Rand stomps on the home viewers' heads with his big ol' shoe, a whole bunch of times.

••• Dave has another gag about his supposedly sparse audiences of late. We see Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim and eight other lucky staffers, who comprise tonight's audience! ••• Presumably referring to tomorrow's midterm elections, Dave presents this video:
(animation): American flag waving

(voice-over): "November 2nd, 2010: an important day for America."

(video): a polling place, with organ music in the background (a church hymn)

(voice-over): "We will wake up early. We will take our place in line. And we will wait patiently, with the knowledge that our efforts will be worthwhile, once each and every one of us is holding a brand new copy of..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "They Call Me Baba Booey, the autobiography of Howard Stern's producer, Gary Dell'Abate! They Call Me Baba Booey: In stores tomorrow!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Here's a special message to my neighbor, Andrew Javorsky. Stop calling the cops on me. I like to walk around the Kalter compound naked. If you don't like it, don't watch. Stay tuned, Carla." ••• desk chat: Dave has some thoughts about Halloween. He's not so hot about 40-year-olds running around dressed up. His 6' 6" neighbor, Bob Rutherford, was running around with a shiny, aluminum wig. ••• "Coach's Corner with San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Mike Singletary" ••• Robert Downey, Jr. plugs Due Date. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for a Web site performance by Elvis Costello ••• Elvis Costello interview ••• Elvis Costello and the Sugarcanes (with Pete Thomas) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

REPEAT FROM 10/15/10

11/03/10 [3391]: interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski comes out to inform Dave that he won't be in today, as he's going to vote. Gene takes the opportunity to ask Dave for a hug. He's a hugger. Nope. Not gonna happen. ••• Rand Paul of the Tea Party was elected to the Senate from Kentucky. A supporter of his stomped a lady's head on October 25. Dave has video: It's a brawl from parts unknown. ••• "Rand Paul Stomping Experience" / video:

(photo of Rand Paul in front of the United States Capitol)

(voice-over): "Place head on screen now."

(animation): Rand stomps on the home viewers' heads with his big ol' shoe, a whole bunch of times.

••• Something odd went on during the NBC election coverage last night. / video: It's the usual set-up, with a reporter next to a colored map. What? Oh, that's nuts. Suddenly the map gives way to an online chat. / MSNBC video:
  • KingOfBeers84: Hey Chuck! Wanna get some wings later?
  • KingOfBeers84: I know you're there.
  • KingOfBeers84: I see u on the TV.
  • KingOfBeers84: Bite my ass.
••• "Late Show Election Night Recap" / video: It's the standard rapid-fire edits of last night's buzzwords: "There is a bloodbath," "bloodbath," "bloodbath," "bloodbath," "shellacking," "A simply awful race... perfectly awful race," "human sacrifices," "witchcraft," "prostitution," "mama grizzlies," "world wrestling," "Kick the guy in the crotch," "We are gay," "a dinglehead been in Congress," "people love the smell of a job site," "Sex. Did we get your attention?" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave takes some time to reflect on this date, which is Harry J. Letterman's seventh birthday. We see the first picture taken of newborn Harry. Then Dave has a recent picture of Harry, holding a colorful little cage with his toads. He's standing on top of his treehouse. ••• desk chat: Dave has the toothy picture of Harry's rabid yellow Labrador retriever, Sully. ••• desk chat: Dave's voting experiences yesterday. ••• We go now to Alan Kalter in the Late Show Election Headquarters.
(Alan is green-screened onto an Election Day background.)

(Alan): "I don't know where I am, Dave. I'm scared. Please send someone to get me. It's cold here. I don't want to die."

••• 35-year-old AT&T customer service representative Justin Bieber, from Jacksonville, Florida, presents the Top Ten Reasons I'm Glad to Be Named Justin Bieber. ••• Tina Fey plugs Megamind. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Brad Paisley interview ••• Brad Paisley sings, accompanied by Paul on piano. Dave puts on Brad's cowboy hat after the performance. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/04/10 [3392]: Photoshop fun: It's the presumptive new Speaker of the House, John Boehner, as the Coppertone® beach baby. ••• "Time Remaining Until the Polls Open in 2012": 732 days, 7 hours, 16 minutes, 36 seconds ••• Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 148 years, 7 months, 23 days, 9 hours, 15 minutes, 22 seconds ••• The governor's race in Connecticut is undecided, 48 hours after the polls closed. We have footage of the breakdown of society in Hartford. / CNN video: It's some kind of car chase of doom, with flaming vehicles on bad roads. ••• John Boehner of Ohio, after the Democrat Party's shellacking on Tuesday, is expected to be the next Speaker of the House. He gave quite an emotional speech after his re-election. Dave has other emotional speeches for our amusement. / video:

(clip of Boehner on C-SPAN)

(voice-over): "In 2008, John Boehner became emotional while speaking to the House."

(Boehner): "What's in the best interest of our country?"

(voice-over): "Most recently, he cried during his speech on Election Night."

(Boehner): "I've spent my whole life... chasing... the American dream."

(voice-over): "Today, Boehner's close friend came to the defense of the sensitive politician."

(Terrell Owens): "It's really unfair. He's my teammate." (sniff) "He's my quarterback."

(voice-over): "John Boehner: The best a man can get."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Dave calls out Cassandra Smithies, who will interpret for tonight's guest segment. ••• Edison Peña, one of the 33 Chileans who survived 69 days trapped underground, gets an approximately 30-minute segment, which turned out quite well, say this reviewer. It was humorous, candid and inspiring. Edison will participate in the New York City Marathon, compliments of the New York Road Runners Club. (He ran while trapped in the mine, to keep his sanity.) He loves Elvis Presley's music, so Paul and the CBSO gave him a number to perform to. It was a great segment, and Cassandra did a wonderful job of translating. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tracy Morgan plugs his new show, Tracy Morgan: Black and Blue. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• The TTL was edited out tonight: Top Ten Signs The Republicans Are Getting Cocky.

11/05/10 [3393]: Al Qaeda has a new branch in Yemen. In late October, explosives were found in printer ink cartridges to be shipped by air. / video:

(photo): UPS plane

(Arabic-accented voice-over): "Recently, toner cartridges wired with explosives were mailed to the United States from Yemen. Are you looking for great deals on exploding office supplies? Then come on down to Yemen Office Supply Warehouse! We have the latest in exploding toner cartridges, fax machines, label makers and Post-It® Notes. If you can find a better advertised price, we will give you this mule!"

(animation): exploding mule

(Arabic-accented voice-over): "At Yemen Office Supply Warehouse, our prices (and many of the people we employ) are insaaaaane!

••• On Wednesday after the elections, President Obama had a press conference, in which he admitted the Democrats had taken a shellacking. / video:

(photo): Barack Obama

(voice-over): "In the wake of the midterm elections, President admitted he'd taken a 'shellacking.' Just remember, Mr. President, when it comes to shellacking, nobody beats John Boehner."

(animation): photo of John Boehner with shellac being brushed on his face

(voice-over): "A message from Representative Boehner and Zinsser-Bullseye Shellac."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about Steve Martin's new novel, An Object of Beauty. He wishes he were talented enough to write one. But maybe Steve will do a ¡Three Amigos! salute, if one audience dude gets his wish. ••• Alan Kalter asked for a minute to speak with us tonight. Here we go, for better or for worse:
(Alan): "Thank you very much, Dave. It was reported this week that the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is using x-ray trucks to scan through buildings, cars and yes, clothing. Now, I ask you, where will the invasion of our personal liberties end? After all, what goes on between two or more consenting adults in the private citizen's velvet-upholstered love cave is none of Uncle Sam's business. Does an intimacy swing or an erotic trapeze hurt anyone (assuming it's used properly)? Just how many layers of clothing will this scanner penetrate?"

(Oh, boy, here we go. Alan begins to disrobe. This is not going to end well.)

(Mr. Kalter continues): "Will it see this much of me? Will it?"

(Off comes the shirt!)

(Alan): "This much?"

(The tie is next.)

(Alan): "Or will the Full Kalter be on display?"

(Oh, Lord help us. Alan is now undoing his belt.)

(Dave): "That's enough, Alan. Stop it! No, no!"

(There goes the zipper!)

(Paul): "The Full Kalter!"

(Dave): "Oh, for the love of God, Alan, stop it!"

(Alan): "For the end of this rant, check out my Huffington Post rant. Back to you, Nipsey."

(Dave): "Never again!"

••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win the New York City Marathon ••• Steve Martin interview ••• Steve ran for governor of an unknown state, and was defeated by negative ads. / We have one:
(voice-over): "Time and again, Steve Martin has shown that he lacks the diplomacy necessary to lead our state."

(Steve with Late Show staffers posing as citizens, including Walter Kim, and Kathy Mavrikakis with a tiny baby)

(Steve, terrified): "Oh, let's see your baby. Oh! What an ugly baby! Whoa!"

(clip of gun-toting Arab dudes)

(voice-over): "More troubling, he sends mixed signals when it comes to the war on terror."

(clip of a smiling Steve between two gun-toting Arabs): "Hi, infidels!"

(photo): the United States Capitol

(voice-over): "Can we trust someone who knows so little about how government works?"

(Segment Producer Sarah Billington as a beautiful CBS reporter): "Do you even know what an incumbent is?"

(Steve): "Isn't that a type of squash?"

(voice-over): "We simply can't afford to have this disgraceful man representing us."

(Steve, delivering a speech): "I would like to say I'm sorry for the fact that my penis is hanging out. But, in my defense, I didn't know I would be speaking from behind a Plexiglas® podium."

(Steve, kicking a fallen citizen): "Vote for Steve. Vote for Steve. If you say it, it's over. Vote for Steve. Oh... being unconscious is..."

••• It's more with Steve after commercials. Steve brings out Noam Pikelny, who has been named the recipient of the inaugural Steve Martin Prize for Excellence in Banjo and Bluegrass. Noam shows up Steve in a good-natured duel of banjos. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave wishes he could do something like playing a banjo. He questions the band. None of the CBSO members are proficient. ••• Emily Deschanel plugs Bones. What a beauty! ••• Steve Martin and the Punch Brothers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/08/10 [3394]: President Obama is on another of his trips, this time to India. There's footage of him and Michelle performing the obligatory native dancing, which Dave claims is a new episode of Dancing with the Stars. / video ••• George W. Bush's memoir, Decision Points, will be available tomorrow. / video:

(photo of the White House)

(voice-over): "In his gripping new memoir, Decision Points, George W. Bush reflects on the highlights of his time in office."

(Wacky music and slide whistles accompany the standard clips of his time in office.): native dancing, the helicopter door that's too low, the basketball that wouldn't dribble, dropping a kid's Scottish Terrier, the door that wouldn't open, tripping, dodging two thrown terrorist shoes and spitting out gum on the White House lawn enroute to Marine One)

(voice-over): "Decision Points: In stores November 9."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tells us that over the weekend, he, family and friends journeyed to Akron, Ohio to take a spin on the Goodyear Blimp, America. It's 192 feet long, with a diameter of 52 feet. A good time was had by all. Dave was first on that airship on October 13, 1989. (When Biff was up on the Goodyear blimp The Spirit of Goodyear on June 13, 2007, all he wanted to do was land!) ••• desk chat: Graphic Art Director Cheryl Hurni Barwicki and husband Dan had a baby girl, Grace Patricia, on Sunday. She is 6 lbs. 1 oz. and 19 inches tall. ••• Dave has highlights of the New York City Marathon. We see runners dropping by the traditional water stations, but New York doesn't do things halfway. A delighted runner takes a quick break at the omelet station! Next we see Chilean miner, Edison Peña, scooting by in the FENIX 2 capsule. Oh, no. This is most unpleasant. It's a nekkid Charlie Sheen in the marathon. Thankfully, his hind quarters were rendered a bit more modest with some digital trickery. ••• Receptionist Art Kelly's back with another installment of "Coach's Corner with San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Mike Singletary." ••• desk chat: Dave's getting his money's worth out of George W. Bush's book tonight. He has a copy that won't open. It's some sort of defect with the cover. Perhaps a chain saw would help. ••• Harrison Ford plugs his new movie, Morning Glory, in three segments. We all wonder if Harrison and Dave will ever get around to hanging out. ••• Odd Dave Moment: We all know that Dave's swivel chair is locked up immediately after the credits roll, so no one will change any adjustments. (If you're photographed sitting at Dave's desk, that's fine, but you'll be sitting on a folding chair.) After Harrison Ford whines about sitting much lower than Dave, our host adjusts his chair down several notches. ••• The Act 5 Audience Pan ran between Harrison's segments. ••• Cee Lo Green sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/09/10 [3395]: monologue: "So anyway, the Al Qaeda... the terrorists now, they're now making time bombs out of toner cartridges. And you think... I mean... and also, you've got to give them credit, because they're recycling! ••• The latest weird airline story developed on October 29 on Air Canada flight AC018 to Vancouver from Hong Kong. A young Asian male boarded wearing an old Caucasian male disguise. Dave now reports that it was just Regis Philbin wearing makeup. / photo ••• interruption: Todd Seda, assistant cue card technician, strolls onstage.

(Dave): "Oh, geez. Holy God, I didn't..."

(Dave, regaining composure): "Hi, how are you?"

(Todd, with George W. Bush's Decision Points): "Hey."

(Dave): "Can I help you?"

(Todd): "So I know George W. Bush is goin' on different talk shows..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Todd): "...and I was wondering if you could get him to sign the book?"

(Dave): "You know, I don't think he'll be appearing on this show. I don't think... I don't... I mean, we tried. We tried to get... I'd love to have him on and, uh, but he's, as far as I know, not going to be on here."

(Todd): "Is that because it's harder to book guests, now that you're on basic cable?"

(Dave): "Well, you know, this is broadcast television. It's not basic cable. I think you have the wrong guy."

(Todd): "Yeah. Keep telling yourself that, Grandpa."

(Dave): "How does that guy...?"

••• "Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs" / video:
(art card and sappy music)

(female voice-over): "Personal Memoirs, by Ulysses S. Grant."

(male voice-over): " 'One side or the other had to yield principles they deemed dearer than life before it could be brought to an end.' "

(female voice-over): "Memoirs, by Harry S Truman."

(male voice-over): " 'The Japanese began the war from the air at Pearl Harbor. They have been repaid many fold.' "

(female voice-over): "Decision Points, by George W. Bush."

(George W. Bush clip): "I'm drunk at the dinner table."

(art card and female voice-over): "This has been 'Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a Job Hunting Tip ••• desk chat: We have amazing technologies, like the iPad™, which is an Etch-a-Sketch™ on steroids! We've learned the George W. Bush likes to play Scrabble on the iPad™. Dave called a friend who knows a guy, and we have a legal copy of George W. Bush playing Scrabble. / video:
  • ZORF / "no" buzzer
  • FLUM / "no" buzzer
  • TURL / "no" buzzer
  • QQYP / "no" buzzer
  • WUNK / "no buzzer
  • GGGG / "no" buzzer
  • HURF / "no" buzzer
  • OOPY / "no" buzzer
  • ••• interruption: It's that insufferable young whippersnapper, Alden Emerson Provost, and his snotty, overprivileged friends having a picnic on the set, just a few feet from Dave's command post. The lovely Sarah Billington is included in the picnic, as well.)
    (Dave): "Hey, hey, hey. Excuse me. I'm sorry. We're right in the middle of a show. What's goin' on? Oh, you're Adam, right?"

    (Alden): "What did you just call me, asswipe?"

    (Paul): "Oh, wow!"

    (Dave): "I said you're Adam. I remember you."

    (Alden): "Oh, yeah? Well, because my name is Alden Emerson Provost, and seeing how my daddy is your boss now, I (bleeping) recommend you learn it, boy!"

    (Dave): "Umm. OK, I understand. But... I'm sorry... don't take it personally. At my age, I have trouble remembering my own name!"

    (Alden): "What is that... supposed to be some sort of a joke or something? Listen... the nerd suddenly thinks he's a comedian!"

    (Dave, laughing)

    (Sarah Billington): "Lay off him, Alden. You've had a lot to drink."

    (Alden, steamed, approaching the command post): "No, no, no, no. This low-class jackhole needs to be reminded that he's the help. Let me tell you something, buddy. You're not better than a guy who trims Daddy's hedges. And guess what. No matter how much Daddy pays you, you'll still just be the big, old loser from Indiana."

    (Dave): "Yeah. Well, now, I'm sorry if you took offense. You know, I didn't... I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry."

    (Alden): "Oh, so now you're trying to all gracious, (bleep)? What's this?"

    (Alden): picks up and breaks a Late Show mug on Dave's desk

    (Alden, tossing a $100 bill on Dave's desk): "Here. Go buy yourself another one."

    (Alden): "Let's get out of here. Charlotte's parents are out of town. We can go party at her place!"

    (Dave, playing with the $100 bill): "Twenty bucks for a sweatshirt. One hundred bucks for a mug! How old is that kid?"

    ••• (Alden Emerson Provost is played by Chris Albers.) ••• Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations for the Mystery Missile (launched off the coast of California on Monday night) ••• hilarious moment: Dave starts to introduce Denzel as a Z-time Academy Award winner. Referring to Tony's cue card, Dave says, "I think that's supposed to be a two!" Tony just grins. ••• Denzel Washington plugs Unstoppable. He also has action footage of his kid playing football. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and live Webcast promo ••• Bon Jovi sing. ••• Bon Jovi sing again! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/10/11 [3396]: Dave gives crap to two guys in the audience. One's wearing Hollister®, and the other's in Abercrombie®. ••• Mayor Michael Bloomberg continues his crusade to guide New Yorkers toward a more healthful diet. Now he's after canned soup as being too high on salt content, with a $370,000 campaign underway. You think this is a Late Show joke? Look outside. (We see a banner with a steaming bowl o' soup, with one of those red "don't do it" circles over it.) ••• It's the premiere of "Three Week Old Reference Theater." / video:

    (art card and circus calliope theme song)

    (voice-over): "A mystery missile appears to have been launched off the coast of California."

    (photo of the California sky, with an unexplained contrail)

    (voice-over): "Did someone say mystery missile?"

    (photo of a smiling Brett Favre, who supposedly e-mailed photos of his deal three weeks ago)

    (slide whistle)

    (Barry White): "Ohhhhh, baby!"

    (voice-over): "This has been 'Three Week Old Reference Theater.' Thanks for watching."

    ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs" / video:
    (art card and sappy music)

    (female voice-over): "An Autobiography, by Theodore Roosevelt."

    (male voice-over): "High honor is due those serene and lofty souls who have striven to bring nearer the day when armed strife shall end."

    (female voice-over): "Crusade in Europe, by Dwight D. Eisenhower."

    (male voice-over): "The forces that stood for human good were this time confronted by an evil conspiracy with which no compromise could be tolerated."

    (female voice-over): "Decision Points, by George W. Bush."

    (George W. Bush): "A lot of people didn't think I could read, much less write."

    (art card and female voice-over): "This has been 'Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs.' "

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Where has Dave been, anyway? We thought he spent the weekend on a blimp, but he's gotten himself another tick. He's not pleased in the least, as he's an Ehrlichiosis survivor. Well, ladies and gentlemen, once Dave removed the tick from an area that will not be designated on network television, he brought it to the Ed Sullivan Theater for show and tell. Dave displays the deceased tick. Then Gaines chimes in to remind Dave they have a magnifying glass. How, exactly, is that going to be attached to an HD television camera? Bill Scheft sure doesn't know. Dave announces that the best we can do is have audience members approach the command post, single file, in an orderly fashion, to observe and study the carcass under magnification. ••• TTL opening ••• change of plans: Dave calls for a look at the California mystery missile. In the backdrop, supported and propelled by nylon fish line, is what Alan Kalter reports to be a butternut squash. It has smoke eminating from its hind end as it inches its way across the backdrop. Paul and the CBSO play the "Will It Float?" fanfare. I predict that we will see this squash again. ••• An engine room fire onboard the Carnival cruise ship Splendor on November 8 has left it stranded. The USS Ronald Reagan is delivering supplies and support. This brings us to the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear While Stranded on a Cruise Ship. ••• desk chat: The tick's now taped to the memo pad. Dave has the carcass circled, with the notation "killer tick!!" ••• Russell Crowe plugs The Next Three Days. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: We see audience members passing by the tick display, all relieved that our host has survived this infestation. ••• Quincy Jones plugs his CD, Q: Soul Bossa Nostra. ••• Snoop Dogg sings Quincy's hit, "Get the Funk Out of My Face," accompanied by the Late Show horn section, Al, Bruce and Tom. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/11/10 [3397]: The Carnival cruise ship Splendor's engine room fire left it stranded on November 8. A bunch of well-to-do passengers had to rough it, which brings us to a clip of people in the Late Show green room, dining on Spam® and Pop Tarts®. I do believe Tom Foster was one of the lucky guests. ••• The Surgeon General wants to make the warning on cigarette packs repellent. / Photoshop fun: Congressman John Boehner's photo's on Marlboro Lights, and he's orange. ••• George W. Bush is all over the place while promoting his book. We see him via satellite in a video. He's just smiling... no talking. (It's a clip of him somewhere, waiting to go on.) ••• "Oh, Now I Get It" / video:

    (cutesy title graphic)

    (John Berman of ABC News at LaGuardia): "It is worth remembering the so-called Underwear Bomber last year was hiding explosives in his underwear."

    (cutesy graphic): "So THAT'S Why They Called Him That"

    ••• George W. Bush joined Sean Hannity for an interview on Tuesday. / video:
    It looks like they're at the back of a pickup. The former president says, "I am at peace. I was honored to serve."

    We cut to an outdoor shot. It's a monster truck, motoring over a line-up of three vehicles.

    (graphic): photo of the book, Decision Points and "Hannity" and the musical intro, "Breaking Now"

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and the CBSO with U2's "Beautiful Day" ••• "Mystery Missile" / Alan Kalter emcees the second episode of this cool new feature: "Dave, tonight's mystery missile is a whole-wheat baguette. Sponsored by Super Poli-Grip®. It's Crazy Glue® for your gums!" Dave: "Alan, when... since when does 'Mystery Missile' have a sponsor?" "Mind your own business, ass****," Alan replies. Then the smoking baguette flies through, with the Poli-Grip® banner on its side. ••• It's a call on the 1979 Touch Tone phone, with Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well.
    (Jeff): "Uh, uh, yeah. Right. Here you... here you... here you go. Keep the change. Now GET OUT!"

    (Dave): "Hello."

    (Jeff): "Yes. Yes. Can I speak to Pat... Pat... yes, Pat Sajak?"

    (Dave): "Yes. This is Pat Sajak. How can I help you?"

    (Jeff): "Yeah. Make the damn puzzles easier!"

    (Dave): "Well, you know, it's funny that you called in, because last week a woman on the show solved the puzzle after revealing only one letter."

    (Jeff): "Yeah. I... I... I... I... I... seen that. I called the FBI. Did you hear me? The damn F... B... I...! That little tootsie is looking at hard time, buddy. Adios. Sayonara. Goodbye, and good luck in prison, you crooked little beanbag! Enjoy the de-lousing. Enjoy the beat-downs. Enjoy the high-starch prison chow. Yeah. Good luck in the old Gray Bar Hotel, honey."

    (Dave): "Uh huh. So, you're saying that she did something illegal?"

    (Jeff): "You think? I'm sick and tired of you and all your pretty boy Communists sticking up for this criminal! Where's her birth certificate?"

    (Dave): "Well, I don't know."

    (Jeff, yelling into the next room): "Billy! Billy! Billy!"

    (Jeff, as a barking dog): "Bow wow wow. Grrrrrrr."

    (Jeff): "Yeah, so you, and Leno and Conan and Regis can all just kiss my ass!"

    (Dave): "Uh huh."

    (Jeff, yelling into the next room): "Hey, Billy, bring in the doggies again."

    (Jeff, as a barking, howling dog): "Bow wow wow wow wow. Grrrrrrr."

    (Dave): "I think I have to go now. Thanks."

    (Dave, to the audience, with a hint of sarcasm): "Wow. That was refreshing!"

    ••• Top Ten Ways to Make the G20 Summit More Exciting ••• interruption: Producer Brian Teta, as an audience member, makes quite a commotion.
    (Brian, hollering 18 times): "Mr. Leno!"

    (Dave, noticing the outburst): "I think... I'm sorry... Were you trying to say something, sir?"

    (Brian, rising from his seat): "Is Cher about to come out now?"

    (Dave): "Yup."

    (Brian): "There's something I need to do!"

    (Dave): "Oh, no. Oh, no. Now what?!"

    (video short film): Brian does his trademark sprint out of the back of the theater. He hails a taxi, and motors to his apartment. He grabs a quick shower (thankfully concealed behind his Snoopy shower curtain). Then he carefully shaves. He brushes his teeth. He blow dries his hair. Then he walks into a spritz of cologne. He puts on a suit jacket. We now see Brian strolling confidently back to his seat.

    (Dave): "What? Excuse me. What was that all about?"

    (Brian): "I just wanted to look my best for Cher!"

    (Dave): "Mission accomplished!"

    ••• Cher plugs her movie, Burlesque, but first detours to the audience to kiss and hug Mr. Teta. Dave shows a photo from Late Night on Nov. 13, 1987, when Sonny and Cher were reunited to sing "I've got You Babe," and Dave was checking out Cher's (original) ass. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Happy Veteran's Day" from the Late Show ••• Bruno Mars sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/12/10 [3398]: The Democrats are already bouncing back from the shellacking they took in the election last week. / video:

    (photo): a rally outside the U. S. Capitol

    (voice-over): "Americans are fed up with politicians who don't get results. Despite their grand rhetoric, things just haven't improved. It's been over a week, and the Republicans still haven't fixed the economy. No more excuses. Vote Democrat in 2012."

    ••• Congressman John Boehner (whose skin is orange) will become Speaker of the House. Here's a special announcement. / video:
    (music): Sousa march

    (voice-over): "In the wake of sweeping Republican victories in last week's elections, Congressman John Boehner would like to take a moment to thank his campaign donors: Tropicana®, Cheetos®, Tang®, Orangina®, Orange Julius® and Circus Peanuts. John Boehner: Don't worry, I'll fix America."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave had errands to do, and he wanted Harry to come with him. Harry wanted no part of it. Two-thirds of the way there, Harry claimed he was getting car sick. Dave pulled over and waited for Harry to throw up. "I don't have to throw up now," Harry said, "I want to go home. Harry said, "I was a fool to ever come along on this trip!" ••• "Small Town News" /
    • Reminder News, Vernon, Connecticut: "ENCYCLOPEDIAS: A Manchester reader has a complete set of Encyclopedia Americanas from the 1950s. Never used, wife knew everything."
    • The Paper, Milford, Indiana: directions to a local car dealer: "Across from Jeff Poyser's house and just down the street from where the liquor store was before it burned down."
    • Paris Post-Intelligencer, Paris, Tennessee: "SQUIRREL DOG, 1 yr. old. $200. Will do pressure washing."
    • Richmond Review, Richmond, British Columbia: "OPEN HOUSE BBQ: Richmond Funeral Home Cremation & Reception Centre: Free Food. Games."
    • Janesville, Messenger, Janesville, Wisconsin: "FOUND approximately 30-35 years ago at Lee Park, 1 pocketknife. Call with description including brand."
    • Times-Union, Colonie, New York: " '10 JETTA "S" DEMO. Was $16,890. Now $16,890."
    • Brainard Dispatch, Brainard, Minnesota: "How to qualify to be an election judge: Must be illiterate in English."
    • Lincoln Journal-Star, Lincoln, Nebraska: "Engagements ~ Weddings: Jaeger-Meister"
    • Chestnut Hill Exclusive, Fort Washington, Pennsylvania: "Black & White Gala" photo: A man has his left hand planted squarely on his dance partner's ass.
    • News & Record, Greensboro, North Carolina: painting crew had trouble near the local high school / photo: "SHCOOL," says the crosswalk.
    ••• Kelly Ripa plugs Homemade Millionaire. ••• desk chat: Dave's very excited, because the Late Show gets to have the television premiere of the 3-D hologram. Paul and the CBSO play a fanfare. Electronic Maintenance Technician Gary Mintz walks onstage.
    (Dave, applauding): "Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Whoa! That is crazy. That's amazing! Paul, can you see it from over there?"

    (Gary): looks frustrated

    (Paul): "I can almost... I can almost see right through."

    (Dave): "It's like a guy..."

    (Paul): "Yeah. You can see..."

    (Dave, excited, applauding): "It's like a guy standing... I'm no more than 20 feet from that, and it's like a guy standing right over there. That's tremendous. Wow."

    (Paul): "Almost translucent. It's translucent."

    (Dave): "Wow. I thought we'd have to have glasses. Ohh! That is freaky!"

    (Gary): "The hologram machine didn't show up."

    (Dave): "I'm sorry?"

    (Gary): "The hologram machine did not show up. I'm Gary, your Technical Maintenance chief. I've been here a long time."

    (Dave): "Ohhhh, I'm sorry."

    (Gary, now addressing the North American viewing public): "It's no problem. But while we're here, and I have everyone's attention... It's not cool to illegally download music. Do what I do. Go to Sam Goody®. Goody's got it!™ Play me off, Freaky!"

    (Dave): "Still pretty amazing!"

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a promo for a Rascal Flatts "Live on Letterman" ••• Greg Fitzsimmons does stand-up. He has a new book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons: Tales of Redemption from an Irish Mailbox. ••• Reba McEntire sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/15/10 [3399]: monologue: An audience guy models a black Late Show sweatshirt. ••• Odd Moment: I noticed that there was strange backlighting on Dave during the monologue. Eventually he noticed it and commented on it, and soon after, Jerry got a shot of a lighting guy and a big light. Who knows what was going on. ••• The government is auctioning off Bernie Madoff's stuff, to help pay back people he swindled. Dave wonders what kind of idiot would pay $6,000 for a pair of Bernie's slippers. Then we see a shot of Alan Kalter proudly wearing them. ••• This brings us to another installment of the Bernie Madoff Countdown Clock (time remaining until Bernie Madoff is free): 148 years, 7 months, 13 days, 9 hours, 10 minutes, 19 seconds. ••• We visit 30 Rock for the arrival of the Christmas tree. It's 76 feet tall! / A remote camera crew is there just in time to see it placed by a crane. Wait? What? The item being lowered into place is a Royal Pine Car-Freshner® air freshener. ••• "George W. Bush Press Tour Recap" / video:

    • "I'm drunk."
    • "I'm drunk as a skunk."
    • "I'd had too much to drink."
    • "I drank too much."
    • "I was drinkin' too much."
    • "I probably drinkin' too much."
    • "I had the remorses."
    • "I said some stupid things."
    • "I was a stupid person."
    • "I really didn't spend time thinkin'."
    • "I made an ass out of myself."
    • "Plus I didn't pay that much attention to you."
    • (stuttering)
    • "What is sex like after 50?"
    • "Hey hey hey."
    • "I'm kind of a weeper."
    • "Baboon!"
    • "Siegried and Roy."
    • "Are my testicles black?"
    • "Are my testicles black?"
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave tries to sort through the facts of a monologue joke that got off track. What exactly caused the power outage at the Meadowlands Stadium off during a Dallas Cowboys / New York Giants game on Sunday? We have a clip. Giants coach Tom Couglin took off his pants. ••• A mystery missile was spotted off California last week. (Or was it a contrail?) Here's tonight's Mystery Missile, sponsored by Blue Bonnet® margarine. The missile tonight is a stainless steel Thermos. Oh, this is a treat! Here to launch tonight's Mystery Missile is president and CEO of ConAgra foods, Gary Rodkin, with his lovely wife, Lisa (OK... Kathy Mavrikakis), and children Marla and Seth. The missile's pretty slow tonight, but eventually it makes its way halfway across the backdrop. ••• Top Ten New Words of 2010 / #2: Leno'd ••• shot of Pat Farmer in the backdrop, with the wreckage of the Mystery Missile ••• Emma Watson plugs Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I. ••• interruption: An audience man disrupts the proceedings for quite a while. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Scott Caan plugs Hawaii Five-0. ••• Rascal Flatts sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/16/10 [3400]: U.S. Marshals auctioned off $2,000,000 worth of Bernie Madoff's stuff on Saturday, with the income going to his Ponzi victims. For example, some imbecile paid $1,700 each for two red pairs of Madoff underpants. Guess who's modeling the Ponzi pants. Now there's a no-brainer. It's Mr. Alan Kalter. First a grinning Alan is holding up one pair, monogrammed with "BM." The next thing we know, Alan's belt buckle and zipper are undone. Thankfully an alert Dave puts a quick end to what could have been a very disgusting situation. ••• "Sarah Palin's Alaska" / video:

    (beautiful Alaskan scenery)

    (The Learning Channel clip): Sarah firing a shotgun

    (Shecky's clip of a great big bear falling from a tree onto a trampoline, then bouncing onto a lawn)

    (clip): A smiling Sarah takes a bow.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's desk chat night on the Late Show, as we haven't seen since the Leno-Conan thing. 1. Dave shows Jay-Z's new book. 2. Dave shows Jamie Oliver's cookbook. 3. Dave wants to discuss Jamie's unhappy departure from the Ed Sullivan Theater after his last appearance on March 23. We know that Dave often likes to discuss overeating and weight problems, cookies and cupcakes, but perhaps Jamie isn't aware of that. Anyway, Jamie reportedly took the discussion very personally. Our host assures us that it wasn't meant that way. ••• Top Ten Ways to Make Airport Security More Pleasant ••• Jay-Z discusses his life, and promotes his new book, Decoded. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• cooking with Jamie Oliver ••• Rihanna sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/17/10 [3401]: There's big controversy this month over increased use by the TSA of full body x-ray scanners and the alternative of being groped by a stranger who lacks a medical license. The Late Show offers the latest in interactive television to demonstrate the procedure awaiting us at our neighborhood airports. / video:

    (photo): a uniformed gentleman wearing a pilot's shirt, with epaulets

    (voice-over): "Place groin to screen now."

    (animation): The pilot or TSA officer or whatever he is puts fingers in motion, ready to examine your junk.

    (cut to living room scene): A TV viewer places his groin to his TV.

    (TV viewer): "I love to put my groin on the screen."

    (Sarah Billington, as his significant other, entering the living room): "What are you doing?"

    (TV viewer): "I'm watching Letterman!"

    (Sarah): storms out of the room

    ••• "Sarah Palin's Alaska" / video:
    (beautiful Alaskan scenery and title graphic)

    (woman on a dock, supposedly Governor Palin): "OK. Here I go!"

    (She gets yanked off the dock by a ski rope, apparently.): "Whoaaaaa!"

    (real clip of Sarah Palin): arms raised, turning to the camera with a big smile

    ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs" / video:
    (title graphic and sappy music)

    (female voice-over): "Personal Memoirs, by Ulysses S. Grant"

    (male voice-over): "I could not rejoice at the downfall of a foe who had fought so valiantly, though the cause was one of the worst for which a people ever fought."

    (female voice-over): "Crusade in Europe, by Dwight D. Eisenhower"

    (male voice-over): "The defensive barrier to the heart of Germany was pierced. The final defeat of the enemy was just around the corner."

    (female voice-over): "Decision Points, by George W. Bush"

    (George W. Bush): "Are my testicles black?"

    (female voice-over): "This has been 'Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs.' "

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Paul Shaffer's 2009 book, We'll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives. It's just now available in paperback. ••• Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking ••• desk chat: Dave shows the latest Entertainment Weekly cover, showing Jake with his arms wrapped around a scantily-clad Anne Hathaway. (They have excellent teeth, by the way.) ••• Jake Gyllenhaal plugs Love and Other Drugs. ••• desk chat: Dave interrogates Executive Producer Barbara Gaines on the topic of why Anne Hathaway won't be appearing to plug the film. It's complicated. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave continues to question Gaines about Anne Hathaway's non-appearance. "I'd rather not say," she offers. Dave asks if she'll answer him if he guesses correctly. Yes, she will. Dave nails it. It was delving into the matter of Anne's relationship with Italian real estate developer Raffaello Follieri, who Anne didn't realize was fleecing investors out of millions of dollars. (He pretended he was connected to the Vatican.) Dave had understood that Anne was open to discussing the mess, but she apparently was not pleased. Poor Gaines... this went on and on. ••• Fran Lebowitz plugs a documentary, Public Speaking. ••• desk chat: Dave gives more static to Gaines about the misunderstanding with Anne Hathaway. ••• Ne-Yo sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/18/10 [3402]: "Making Airport Security Screening More Pleasant" / video:

    Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson portrays an airline traveler, while Production Assistant and Wahoo Gazette publisher Michael Z. McIntee is a TSA employee. (Mike used to be the police, by the way.)

    (opening graphic and peppy intro music)

    (Mike, in his snappy uniform with epaulets, in an airport secure area): "Good afternoon! I'm Agent Collins. Assisting me today will be my friend, Hugo."

    (Mike pauses to display his raised left hand, covered by a cute monkey puppet.)

    (Hugo gives Jay a top-notch groping, including a thorough inspection of his "business.")

    (Mike): "Good."

    (Jay walks away without his dignity intact.)

    (closing graphic and peppy music)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• B. J. Thomas (Mr. "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" and "Hooked on a Feeling" himself) is sitting in tonight with the CBSO. •••
    desk chat: Oh, boy, here we go again. Dave has more on irritating Anne Hathway during her interview on 9/30/08. Dave questioned Anne about her ex-boyfriend, Raffaello Follieri, who is now in the slammer, thanks to misappropriating $50,000,000 on a real estate investment. Dave understood that Anne was fine with discussing him, but in reality, not so much. Now Dave wants to apologize to Executive Producer Barbara Gaines for suggesting she was "exhibiting poor judgment." "That's fine," Gaines says. She scampers from her podium at stage left to hug Dave at his command module. To add to the fun, the CBSO comes up with a theme song on zero notice, set to the Addams Family theme: "Give Her a Hug." Gaines is all smiles, so apparently she won't be resigning later this week. Oops. Now Dave complains that Gaines exhibited poor judgment by hugging him on TV. Finally (maybe), Dave reports that the staff spent four hours last night tracking down Anne Hathaway so they could apologize to her.
    ••• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I opens at midnight, which brings us to "Three-Week-Old Reference Theater." / video:
    (movie scene with Harry and that worthless bastard, Lord Voldemort)

    (voice-over): "The final showdown begins. Harry Potter battles the ultimate evil, but the ally he was counting on turns out to be no help."

    (unsuccessful Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell): "I'm not a witch."

    (voice-over): "This has been 'Three-Week-Old Reference Theater.' "

    ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Dancing with the Stars is fixed. He asserts that the producers are going to end up in a federal pententiary, because Bristol Palin keeps winning and winning. Anyway, then Dave tries to figure out the title of Sarah Palin's new book, which Gaines says is America by Heart. (Sometimes I wonder if Gaines shouldn't move her podium closer to the Dave's command module. She could have a flyswatter, and could reach over and swat Dave when he messes up.) ••• Anyway, Sarah ironically criticizes American Idol in her important new book. / video:
    (photo of Palin's book)

    (voice-over): "In her new book, Sarah Palin derides American Idol for encouraging talent-deprived people to believe they can reach unrealistic heights. Instead, Palin believes that talent-deprived people should run for president. Paid for by Palin 2012."

    ••• Top Ten Surprises in Sarah Palin's New Book ••• Jim Carrey plugs I Love You Phillip Morris. Mr. Carrey has sort of diversified his interests. In fact, he proudly reveals that he's taken up with hookers. Jerry Foley cuts to a shot of three of the hookers in the green room. Wait. There's been a dreadful misunderstanding. We see three nice, respectable ladies who are working on some sort of needlepoint project. ••• Jim does a musical number: a-ha's 1984 hit, "Take on Me." When our favorite new singer hits a high note, a Late Show mug nearby shatters, and Jim's stable group of hookers in the green applaud with delight. ••• Act 5: B. J. Thomas sings. ••• CBS has a huge hit, Big Bang Theory on Thursdays. Dave has a clip. / video:
    (The cast are watching Letterman.)

    (Dave, in a TTL from 12/14/06): "And the number one Least Popular Mall Store... Amy's Winehouse. There..."

    (Penny): "Hey, Sheldon, what'd you think of Letterman's Top Ten List?"

    (Sheldon): "I loved it! I found there was a certain classicism to a descending series of integers. Four of my favorite primes were mentioned. And separating the numbers into two screens with five apiece... that was tidy!"

    (Penny): "Well, how about the jokes?"

    (Sheldon): "Those sucked."

    ••• Nicki Minaj sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/19/10 [3403]: Dave has decided that Wheel of Fortune is fixed. / video:

    (We see the famous set, and a contestant is ready to go.)

    (contestant): "L"

    (Pat Sajak): "One L."

    (contestant): "Can I solve the puzzle?"

    (Pat Sajak): "Yeah!"

    (contestant): "Letterman reminds me of a diseased ostrich."

    (Pat Sajak): "That's right!"

    ••• Dave's hero, Larry King, is celebrating his 77th birthday, and he's sharp as a tack. Here's video proof:
    (Larry): "He's been litigating on this issue since the Jack-in-the-Box® E. Cowli opray... E. Cowli Ope... E. Cawlay. E. Collie Oapright..."

    (guest): eventually busts up laughing

    Larry was trying to say "E. Coli outbreak." E. Coli is a standard shortened name for the bacterium Escherichia Coli, which is found in animals' lower intestines. As we all know, the germ was named for the German bacteriologist Theodor Escherich, who isolated it in 1885.

    ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs" / video:
    (title graphic and sappy music)

    (female voice-over): "An American Life, by Ronald Reagan"

    (male voice-over): "A people, stubbornly determined to rid itself of tyranny, was rising up in a final, historic upwelling of freedom."

    (female voice-over): "My Life, by Bill Clinton"

    (male voice-over): "My bitterest critics sought safety in positions where they could judge and not be judged, hurt and not be hurt."

    (female voice-over): "Decision Points, by George W. Bush"

    (George W. Bush): "I poisoned Dorothy's goldfish, by pouring vodka in the fishbowl."

    (female voice-over): "This has been 'Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs.' "

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Fun Facts" /
    • Europe is the only continent without a desert.
    • The line "elementary, my dear Watson," does not appear in any Sherlock Holmes story.
    • Fully extended, the chameleon's tongue is as long as its body.
    • Before the invention of the bus, Greyhound customers actually rode dogs.
    • The Rat Pack got their name from the fact that they were all infected by rodent-borne Hantavirus.
    ••• desk chat: The staff tried and tried to get George W. Bush on as he's touring to promote his book. Apparently there was some trouble with his mother, which brings us to the retrospective, "George W. Bush on the Late Show." / video:
    (voice-over): "March 1st, 2000: George W. Bush appears on the Late Show via satellite. October 19th, 2000: George W. Bush appears on the show in person. February 9th, 2003: While George W. Bush attends a Late Show taping with his family, a drunk Barbara Bush falls out of the balcony."

    (clip of the "woman hanging from the balcony" gag from either 2006 or 2008)

    (voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

    ••• Now it's back to "Fun Facts."
    • When someone gives driving directions that end with "You can't miss it," 65 percent of the time, you miss it.
    • Lewis promised Clark that they'd switch to Clark and Lewis on their next expedition.
    • While Michaelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, Raphael would annoy him by saying, "You missed a spot! Hey, you missed a spot!"
    • A man named Alexander Graham Telephone invented the bell.
    • Time out Knicks. Hubie Brown wants to talk it over. / glass-breaking FX: a horn with a few notes from The Godfather theme
    • During his cremation, Orville Redenbacher popped!
    ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Larry King's Birthday Party ••• glass-breaking FX: Christine O'Donnell says, "I'm not a witch." / back to the TTL ••• Billy Bob Thornton plugs Faster. ••• It's the premiere of fine new program, "German Spock." Mr. Spock takes the stage.
    (Dave): "Thank you for being here with us. Good to see you, German Spock."

    (German Spock, translated to English): "Good evening, Captain Kirk. Forgive my tardiness. I was in Nurse Chapel's quarters indulging my human carnal passions."

    (Dave, laughing): "I'm sorry. I don't speak German, and I didn't read the subtitles, but German is really a beautiful language."

    (German Spock): "Dr. McCoy walked in during our mating ritual. He was so shocked , he sat on his phaser and stunned his nuts."

    (Dave): "I, uh... I could listen to you talk all night, but we're almost out of time. How about giving us the famous Vulcan salute?"

    (German Spock pumps up his chest and growls.)

    (subtitle): "Live long and prosper."

    (Dave): "German Spock, ladies and gentlemen."

    ••• glass-breaking FX: Christine O'Donnell says, "I'm not a witch." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mike E. Winfield does stand-up. ••• The Secret Sisters sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/22/10 [3404]: monologue: "We all know TSA... I think that's the channel Conan is on. Some of these pat downs are so thorough, they say you only need one every five years!" ••• Travel is a nightmare, no matter how you go. / video:

    (clips): tourists with rolling suitcases, plus an airport secure area)

    (voice-over): "Looking to travel this holiday season? Don't want to wait on long security lines, and have your personal space violated? Come on over to Greyhound, where we don't pat anyone down. In fact, anything goes! Bring what you want. Sit where you want. And some airlines frown on their pilots drinking. We encourage our drivers to party! No rules. Just right!"

    (clip of drivers with scantily-clad, boozing passengers)

    ••• "Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs" / video:
    (title graphic and sappy music)

    (female voice-over): "An Autobiography, by Theodore Roosevelt."

    (male voice-over): "High honor is due those serene and lofty souls who have striven to bring nearer the day when armed strife shall end."

    (female voice-over): "Crusade in Europe, by Dwight D. Eisenhower."

    (male voice-over): "The forces that stood for human good were this time confronted by an evil conspiracy with which no compromise could be tolerated."

    (female voice-over): "Decision Points, by George W. Bush."

    (George W. Bush): "A lot of people didn't think I could read, much less write."

    (female voice-over): "This has been 'Great Moments in Presidential Memoirs.' "

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Hang loose, Juice." ••• desk chat: Dave visits with Paul Shaffer about his trip to the Grand Ole Opry on Saturday in Nashville. There's been a weekly broadcast there since 1925! Paul was a guest of Marty Stuart, and he did a tribute to Floyd Cramer on the piano. Little Jimmy Dickens was there, for goodness sake! ••• "Small Town News" (Tonight, in this very special episode of STN, news items will be interspersed with photos of gentlemen who sort of look like Dave, along with crazed reactions by Oprah audience members.)
    • Journal Gazette and Times-Courier, Mattoon, Illinois: "STUN GUN, Like New with case, pocket size. Great for Christmas. $45.00."
    • Belleville News-Democrat, Belleville, Illinois: Ladder safety tip: "If you're using the ladder a lot this fall, make sure little ones are left unattended."
    • Times Leader, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania: Wedding announcement: "Bird, Bath"
    • Naples Daily News, Naples, Florida: "In the Estero robbery, authorities described the suspect as either a male or a female."
    • Winnepeg Free Press, Winnepeg, Manitoba: guy that kind of looks like Dave
    • Valley Times-News, Lanett, Alabama: "Creamed Puff For Sale: 1995 GMC Safari cargo van, less than 160,000 miles. Great tires, (round with tread). seats still attached to floorboard. Front end needs some body work. Be the first on your block to own one. First-come, first-serve. It runs, sort of."
    • Texarkana Gazette, Texarkana, Arkansas: "Boneless bananas, 58¢ per pound."
    • Airport Press, Jamaica, New York: Joe Soto kind of looks like Dave.
    • Calaveras Enterprise, San Andreas, California: POLICE: "Reporting party states his goat herd has been stolen... states he should have known something was up because this morning one of his goats kept looking at him funny like something was wrong."
    • Idaho Statesman, Boise, Idaho: Fred Alleman kind of looks like Dave.
    • Lamar Democrat, Lamar, Missouri: The Dixie Echoes Quartet has five members.
    • News-Herald, Willoughby, Ohio: "WANTED: barely tolerable woman that will pick out my flaws & suck out the last bit of life in me for occasional dates to remind me never to get married again."
    ••• desk chat: The Oprah cheering audience gag was supposed to go with the Top Ten list. Dave screwed up. He has a big stack of white paper towels that he thinks are Italian lira. He's worried that he's going to lose his talk show license. ••• Top Ten Things to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent / #4: "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?" ••• Natalie Portman plugs Black Swan. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave's transcribing everything that happens on tonight's telecast in French. ••• Jay Pharoah plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/23/10 [3405]: monologue: Dave recommends that tourists be sure to grab dinner at the revolving restaurant, just under the Statue of Liberty's crown. / animation ••• From 11/16/10, we have a repeat of "Sarah Palin's Alaska." / video:

    (beautiful Alaskan scenery)

    (The Learning Channel clip): Sarah firing a shotgun

    (Shecky's clip of a great big bear falling from a tree onto a trampoline, then bouncing onto a lawn)

    (clip): A smiling Sarah takes a bow.

    ••• The TSA is trying something new, other than using the naked body scans which show up on YouTube. / video:
    We see a quiet JFK terminal. A gentleman approaches a kiosk. He sets his baggage aside, then presses some buttons. He seems to be an experienced air traveler.

    (digital kiosk voice): "Place groin to TSA Self-Groping Kiosk now."

    (The traveler turns 90°, then approaches the device, which begins to operate.)

    (Segment Producer Sarah Billington, as a supermodel, approaches): "What are you doing?"

    (male traveler): "Oh, I'm just going through security."

    (Sarah): Mortified at the thought of this procedure, Sarah exits the premises immediately. At least she didn't have to hang with that snotty Alden Emerson Provost today.

    ••• monologue: "George H. G. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King, and then poor Larry... I mean, he's confused, and he... remember. Did you see it, Paul? He turned to Barbara and said, 'How long you been on the Quaker Oats box?' " Then George W. Bush sent in a tape. / video:
    (Larry King): "Speaking of George W., he has a message for both of you. And if you'll look to your screen, we will show it."

    (split screen)

    (George W. Bush): "Are my testicles black?"

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a plug for Mark Schlereth's "Stinkin" Good Green Chile ••• Over the weekend, three Delta jets had to make emergency landings. To make people feel better, the president and CEO of Delta Airlines, Richard H. Anderson, has agreed to drop by. (OK, it's Don Hewitt as The Man on Fire.) The CBSO plays a Sousa march to accompany his fiery appearance. ••• interruption: Assistant Cue Card Technician Todd Seda is seen standing by Dave's command module.
    (Dave, to Paul): "There's a kid, right here!"

    (Dave, to Todd): "Can I help you, sir?"

    (Todd): "Yeah. Hi. I'm with the Taliban."

    (Todd hands a business card to Dave.)

    (Dave, reading): "Todd bin Hussein? What can I do for you, Todd?"

    (Todd): "Oh. Yeah... I'm here to negotiate a peace treaty."

    (Dave): "By God, I'm all for that! What do you need? How can I help you? What do you want?"

    (Todd): "How much money you got?"

    (Dave, reaching in a pocket): "Let's see. I've got a little something here. Well... right... yeah, I've got 10 bucks. Right there."

    (Todd): "Yeah. That'll do!"

    (A happy Todd exits stage left.)

    (Paul): "David?"

    (Dave): "Yeah?"

    (Paul): "Let me ask you something. Are you sure that guy was with the Taliban?"

    (Dave): "Well, he's got a card. Here, look."

    (Paul): "Can I see that?"

    (Dave): "Right there. I mean... I don't know what else to tell you."

    (Dave displays the business card for the camera.): It has an assault rifle on it, and Todd's business e-mail address, toddbinhussein@gmail.com.

    (Dave): "I'll call him later, if you're worried about it."

    (Paul): "Todd bin Hussein. Yeah, we should verify, because that's a scam. That's a well-known scam."

    ••• Top Ten Signs the Taliban Leader You're Negotiating with Is an Impostor ••• Jerry Seinfeld plugs the Broadway play he's directing at the Helen Hayes Theater, Colin Quinn: Long Story Short. Actually, he comes out to do stand-up. ••• Jerry Seinfeld interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Colin Firth plugs The King's Speech. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/24/10 [3406]: monologue: "In honor of Thanksgiving, Lindsay Lohan switched from Jack Daniels to Wild Turkey." ••• Thanksgiving at the Late Show wouldn't be right without yet another look at the clip of Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing big time during the staff dinner on 11/27/08. Unfortunately, we'll miss two great traditions on what will prove to be a tremendous broadcast tonight: no Nadine Hennelly and Andrea Sande as pilgrims, and no Dave as a pilgrim serving Thanksgiving dinner to the staff. ••• Before we visit with Dorothy, let's review the history of her pies over the years.

     
    1993  1. orange pumpkin cake, with whipped cream and hickory nuts
    1994  1. pumpkin2. cherry3. cherry
    1995  1. pumpkin2. cherry 
    1996  1. cherry2. hickory nut 
    1997  1. cherry2. coconut butterscotch pecan 
    1998  1. pumpkin2. rhubarb 
    1999  1. pumpkin2. red raspberry chiffon 
    2000  1. pumpkin2. apple 
    2001  1. pumpkin2. lemon chiffon 
    2002  1. pumpkin2. raspberry 
    2003  1. apple2. pecan 
    2004  1. pumpkin2. chocolate chiffon 
    2005  1. pumpkin2. blueberry 
    2006  1. pumpkin2. apple 
    2007  writers' strike - no show 
    2008  1. peanut butter2. pecan3. pizza!
    2009  1. pumpkin2. raspberry
    ••• We go live to Indianapolis, Indiana to visit with Dave's mom, Dorothy. After the expected discussion of the weather, Dave goes into his psychic trance. Paul provides the spooky swami music. (There is, however, a momentary glitch as Dave needs to scratch an itchy spot.) Since Dorothy will telepathically transmit the pie data, Dave first needs to determine that Dorothy is also in a trance. She's all set. Here we go:
  • pumpkin (No!)
  • cherry (Yes, and it's a beauty!)
  • mincemeat (No!)
  • fruit category (No!)
  • sugar cream (Yes!)
  • Dorothy's headed out to the airport now, for a couple of inappropriate pat-downs. ••• desk chat: Dave lists the honors received by tonight's guest, Army Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta, who is the first living recipient in 40 years to be awarded the Medal of Honor, the United States military's highest honor:
  • British Parachutist Badge
  • German Parachutist Badge
  • Italian Parachutist Badge
  • Expert Marksmanship Badge, with Rifle Bar
  • Basic Parachutist Badge
  • Combat Infantryman Badge
  • NATO Medal
  • Army Overseas Service Ribbon
  • Army Service Ribbon
  • Army NCO Professional Development Ribbon
  • Global War on Terrorism Service Medal
  • Afghanistan Campaign Meal
  • National Defense Service Medal
  • Army Good Conduct Medal
  • Army Achievement Medal
  • Army Commendation Medal, with one Bronze Oakleaf Cluster
  • Purple Heart
  • Bronze Star
  • Medal of Honor
  • ••• Staff Sgt. Salvatore Giunta discusses his experiences in Afghanistan which led to his historic Medal of Honor, in multiple segments. Throughout the interview, we see several shots of his wife, Jen, in the green room. (She's also from Iowa, but he met her in Italy!) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: a promotion for support of the World Food Programme: www.wfp.org ••• more with Staff Sgt. Giunta ••• Sahara Smith sings.

    11/25/10: REPEAT FROM 10/26/10

    11/26/10: REPEAT FROM 11/09/10

    11/29/10: REPEAT FROM 11/05/10

    11/30/10: REPEAT FROM 11/04/10

    12/01/10: REPEAT FROM 11/18/10

    12/02/10: REPEAT FROM 10/29/10

    12/03/10: REPEAT FROM 11/11/10

    12/06/10 [3407]: monologue: Dave gives the business to audience members dressed in bright orange. ••• "Sarah Palin's Alaska" / video:

    (clip): Sarah's in camo, out hunting or doing target practice. She has a rifle with a scope, zeroed in on something.

    (man): "Take your time."

    Sarah fires, and a mansion of Spanish architecture erupts into flames. The entire structure is toast.

    (man): "There you go!"

    (Sarah): "OK, good."

    Sarah high-fives a hunting companion.

    (Sarah, to the camera): "It's a great feeling of accomplishment!"

    ••• Alan with Big Show Highlights and a Fun Fact: "An iPad stops working if dropped in the toilet." •••
    desk chat: (Get comfortable, because Dave has a lot to lay on us tonight.) We don't need to be told that Dave doesn't like to play golf. He's given it a fair try, but he's learned the hard way that the minute you set out to play golf, someone will show up nearby giving you tips and pointers. It'll drive you nuts! It's the same story with fly fishing. If he can't figure something out on his own, he just won't waste time with it. Leave him alone! He can't stand pointers! A couple of years ago, Dave decided to learn to ski with Harry, who was pretty good. Well, last week Dave was at a place in Montana. He fell off a chairlift. A world-famous Alpine ski racer, Alberto Tomba, came up to him, all excited about giving TV Boy some tips. He's a multiple Olympic gold medalist. Alberto starts following Dave down slopes, with nonstop advice, especially on the skill of hopping. Dave doesn't want to hop. So what if Alberto hops every time he turns?! "It's like skiing with a kangaroo," Dave reports. Attention, people of earth: Don't mess with Dave on vacation. And when you try to host your first talk show, Dave won't drop by the studio and give you pointers.
    ••• after commercial: Jerry Foley runs Shecky's clip of a camel snow skiing. ••• Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is the WikiLeaks Guy ••• Ray Romano plugs Men of a Certain Age. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Happy Hanukkah to our Jewish viewers! (Non-Jews please disregard.)" ••• John Mellencamp interview ••• John Mellencamp sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with Worldwide Pants logo: Ray Romano says, "Don't panic, Pablo."

    12/07/10 [3408]: The Jets played the Patriots last night. / "Donald Trump: Football Fan" / video: We see Robert Kraft, Chairman & CEO of the Patriots. To his right is Mr. Donald Trump, with that thing on his head sweeping up and down in the high wind. ••• "Sarah Palin's Alaska" / video:

    (voice-over): "This week on Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah's visited by friends from another reality show. It's a Palin-Gosselin campout. And don't miss next week's episode, when Sarah's visited by zombies from The Walking Dead!"

    (clip): a female zombie with a messed-up face

    (clip): Sarah, in camo, aiming at something with a high-powered rifle

    (clip): A male zombie gets efficiently shot in the noggin. It's OK. He was already dead.

    (clip): Sarah high-fiving another marksman

    (voice-over): "Sarah Palin's Alaska: Sundays on TLC."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• George Benson is sitting in on guitar tonight. Dave shows George's CD, "Sounds and Stories," and Regis's Christmas CD (the only one ever sold). ••• Dave gives a shoutout to a beautiful audience lady who may be about to come down with stomach flu. ••• It's Hanukkah, and Executive Producer Barbara Gaines has a menorah with LEDs. It's the seventh night. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Having a Bad Holiday Season ••• Johnny Depp plugs The Tourist. He's always a great guest! For example, he tells about answering a letter from an elementary school girl who asked him and his buddies to come over to her school and mutiny. They did! ••• Act 5: George Benson performs. ••• desk chat: Dave misses Johnny Depp already! ••• "Joe Grossman's Geopolitical Insights and Analysis" / Oh, boy, here we go again. Joe comes onstage with three beautiful, twenty-something ladies. He starts giving us some gibberish about international issues. Before long, the models begin to suggest that the quartet adjourn to Joe's bachelor pad to, shall we say, become better acquainted. Upon interrogation by Dave, Joe confesses to writing this segment to make time with the babes. Dave boots them all. ••• Ra Ra Riot sing. ••• with credits: Trump's hair, blowing in the breeze ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/08/10 [3409]: We learned yesterday from www.guardian.co.uk that the Late Show is being aired in Saudi Arabia. Reportedly it's proving to be a powerful tool in dissuading young people from jihad, which brings us to "A Holiday Treat for the Saudi Youth." / animation:

    (art card with "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" as the theme song)

    (animation): A Saudi man (in the traditional white outfit) is busy milking a camel, which happens to have a big, red, shiny nose!

    (closing art card): "Khalid the Red-Nosed Camel"

    ••• It's a new segment tonight: "Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Person with a Gun." / video: Sarah Palin says, "I'm the biggest klutz in the world!" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Christmas on a Budget": "I've found that many grocery stores will cut you a deal on expired egg nog." ••• We go live to Dave's mom's house in greater Indianapolis for the ceremonial lighting of the last menorah candle for Hanukkah. Jerry Foley runs the usual Dave's Mom intro graphic. No one's in her kitchen. Paul interjects, "Excuse me, Dave. You aren't Jewish." ••• desk chat: Alison Balsom, who plays classical trumpet music, will be on later. Dave informs the horn section that he wants a review on her performance. ••• Top Ten Reasons Saudi Youth Love Me, Dave Letterman (with the clip of Sherman Grossman, the monkey, sneezing and Donald Trump's hair blowing in the wind on Monday night) ••• desk chat:
    Dave explains some earlier comments. We learn that he experienced a shaving cut so severe that he needed a tourniquet on his face! The staff went looking for styptic pencils, to hopefully save Dave's life. They contain aluminum sulfate, which is mainly used as a flocculating agent in the purification of drinking water. Good to know. Anyway, Dave mistakenly believes styptic pencils contain alum, a similar compound. We all wish Dave the very best in his recovery.
    ••• Barbara Walters plugs her special, Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2010. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jayma Mays plugs Glee. I'd never heard of this woman, but my, oh my, she may be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. She seemed completely charming, as well. ••• Alison Balsom and the Orchestra of St. Luke's perform. (Al Chez gave thumbs up to the performance.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/09/10 [3410]: Note: Dave has some wacky new plastic glasses. ••• monologue: "Cold here in New York City. I'm right about that. Finally we got some cold weather... When it gets cold like this, for my dog... and maybe other dog owners do the same, I always pour some brandy in the toilet." ••• monologue: "Boy, I heard some troubling news. It just came in over the thing back there. This year Santa is one reindeer short. Yup. Thanks a lot, Sarah Palin! Boom. Boom!" ••• WikiLeaks has revealed that the Late Show is a positive influence on the youth of Saudi Arabia. / photo: the shoe bomber wearing a Late Show t-shirt ••• We have a promo that ABC ran for Barbara Walters' special. / video:

    (ABC logo)

    (voice-over): "Tonight on ABC, Barbara Walters brings you hours of compelling television."

    (clips of Barbara with Oprah)

    (voice-over): "In the first special, Barbara spends an hour with Oprah Winfrey, who dispels rumors that she is a lesbian. Then, in her second hour, Barbara talks with the 10 most fascinating people of 2010, including Betty White, who also dispels rumors that she is a lesbian."

    (clip of Barbara slowly descending a magestic stairway)

    (voice-over, with porno music): "And you don't want to miss tonight's final special, where Barbara, Betty and Oprah finally decide, 'What the hell! Let's give this whole lesbian thing a try!' "

    (Barry White): "Oh... Baby!"

    (voice-over): "ABC: Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave shows Bill O'Reilly's new book, Pinheads and Patriots: Where You Stand in the Age of Obama. In view of his orneryness in his next-to-last interview with O'Reilly in 2008, Dave sets his own ground rules for tonight's interview. Here's how it will go: 1. Bill O'Reilly doesn't really know what he's talkin' about. With that said, he still knows more than I do. 2. I have to rely on rhetorical gimmicks. Every time I get stumped on a point, I'm gonna look him right in the eye and say, "That's a lie!" 3. Also, during the course of tonight's visit, there will be invoked the word blowhard. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Be One of the Most Fascinating People of the Year ••• Bill O'Reilly plugs his book, Pinheads and Patriots: Where You Stand in the Age of Obama, in three segments! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Bill O'Reilly (Dave did an outstanding job with tonight's interview, by the way.) ••• Phosphorescent sings. The Late Show horns, Al Chez, Tom "Bones" Malone and Bruce Kapler, and Felicia Collins on tambourine, accompany the group. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/10/10 [3411]: monologue: Dave got his Christmas tree today. It's a spruce or a fir, he thinks. He got it all set up and decorated. He plugged in the lights. Two seconds later, out falls an electrocuted rat! ••• Airport security screening (and WikiLeaks) are the hot topics of the month. Our pals at the TSA have a new video:

    (airport scenes)

    (voice-over): "As we enter the holiday travel season, the TSA wants to keep you safe, while making the screening process as comfortable as possible. If you're singled out for an enhanced pat-down, you can have your choice of a male screener, a female screener..."

    (clip of a doggie patting down a delighted traveler)

    (voice-over): "...or one of our popular costumed characters. TSA: That Frosty Mug Sensation."

    ••• monologue: Dave went to one of the big malls over the weekend. He reports, "I was groped, I was pushed, I had to ride the escalator standby, I was touched, I was licked. I'm goin' back tomorrow!" ••• monologue: Dave starts to tell a joke about Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2010, but he gives the number as 20. He stops to check with Cue Card Technician extraordinaire Tony Mendez, who confirms the number as 10. "Well, it doesn't even say here. What was it?" Dave asks Tony. Tony's sticking with 10. "You know it was 10?" Dave asks. "I heard Barbara yell 10," Tony explains. ••• The WikiLeaks story, with the 250,000 secret documents exposed, is getting stranger by the second. / video:
    (voice-over): "After repeatedly being barred from Internet servers, the controversial WikiLeaks Web site is running out of places to release information. But WikiLeaks spokesman, Julian Assange, won't be deterred, and he's bringing his collection of controversial materials to your town, in "WikiLeaks on Ice!"

    (clip of an ice skater)

    (voice-over): "You'll be dazzled by the athleticism, the artistry and the shocking revelations from secret diplomatic correspondents! Call Telecharge now!"

    (overhead view of an ice skater's track on the ice): "Berlusconi is a drunk."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Hey, I'm available this winter to shovel driveways in the Tri-State Area. It's court-ordered service. I don't want to talk about it." ••• desk chat:
    It's been a while, but Dave wants to talk about the family hound (part Yellow Lab, part crime lab). The Vatican believes it might be a hell dog. Anyway, Bob Barker always encourages us to have our loved ones pets spayed or neutered. Now, when you're a puppy and you're six months old, it's time to have your "tonsils" taken out. The veterinarian doesn't tell you that the cone they put on the doggie's head is really sharp. The doggie (in this, the hell dog) keeps ramming into you with the cone. It's 10 days of this! (Dave pauses to check with Gaines on PETA's position on spaying and neutering.) Dave concludes with his position that he's all for spaying or neutering... just let them recover at Bob Barker's house! (Gaines reports that PETA encourages spaying and neutering. Then she starts laughing.)
    ••• Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is coming to Broadway. It's a $60,000,000 production, and it's dangerous. / Live to the Foxwoods Theater at 214 West 43rd Street in New York City: We see Spidey suspended in front of a skyscraper scene. The web breaks, and Spidey crashes through the stage floor... presumably deceased. ••• This is exciting. It's time for the annual lighting of the Late Show intern. Our victim intern is Todd Seda from Cleveland. Dave presses the giant red switch and sure enough, Todd's all sparkly. It's wonderful! Wait. Todd's complaining that he's getting a little hot. Moments later, to our horror and dismay, bulbs begin to explode all over Todd. He begins screaming and hollering, not unlike a man covered with small, exploding light bulbs. The scrim lowers. (This is the second death on tonight's telecast, and it's still the first half hour! Actually, it's three deaths, if we count the electrocuted rat.) ••• Top Ten Least Popular Holiday Television Specials / #1: Brett Favre's Yule Log (Paul really enjoyed that one!) ••• Reese Witherspoon plugs How Do You Know. She has fun Jack Nicholson stories, and promises to come back every six months. This is excellent news! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Is This Anything?" / Tonight's offering is a juggler. He has three tennis balls airborne. Paul says yes. Dave, once he finds out the dude can handle four tennis balls, says yes. [After I wrote this, I learned from the Wahoo Gazette that the juggler's name is Book Kennison, so there you have it.] ••• Colin Quinn does stand-up. He has a new play, Long Story Short. I hope somebody thought he was funny. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/13/10 [3412]: On Friday, Bill Clinton took over President Obama's press conference, as the president was overdue at a Christmas party. / CNN video:

    (clip): Clinton and Obama behind the Seal of the President of the United States

    (voice-over): "Bill Clinton made a surprise appearance at a White House press briefing last week to endorse President Obama's tax compromise with Republicans."

    (clip): Barack Obama and George W. Bush in the White House

    (voice-over): "In a similar show of support, George W. Bush returned to the White House to speak to the press this afternoon."

    (clip): George W. Bush stammering

    (voice-over): "CNN will return in a moment."

    ••• "Presidential Comebacks" / video:
    (graphic and music): "Hail to the Chief"

    (voice-over, with presidential photos): "2010: Bill Clinton returns to the White House to help President Obama's tax deal. 1892: After being voted out of office in 1888, Grover Cleveland is reelected president. 1976: Democratic convention delegates flee the reanimated corpse of President Harry Truman. This has been 'Presidential Comebacks.' "

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave's happy to announce that on Thursday, Dec. 9, stagehand Gene Szymanski and wife Brandi welcomed Hudson Glenn Szymanski to the planet. Glen was 8 pounds, 4 ounces, and is 22 inches tall. (I think it's silly to report how long babies are.) ••• desk chat: Dave has (very) temporary custody of the Heisman Trophy. ••• Cam Newton of Auburn presents the Top Ten Things Cam Newton Can Say Now That He Won the Heisman Trophy. ••• Ricky Gervais plugs his HBO special, Ricky Gervais: Out of England 2, The Stand-Up Special. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hailee Steinfeld plugs the remake of True Grit. ••• Diddy-Dirty Money sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/14/10 [3413]: The Late Show offers more interactive television. / video:

    (picture): woman in a Santa suit puckering up

    (voice-over): "Place mouth to screen now."

    (living room scene): A young man complies with the instructions.

    (Sarah Billington as his wife): "What are you doing?"

    (man): "I'm watching Letterman."

    (Sarah): exits the room, disgusted

    ••• Our future Speaker of House, Congressman John Boehner, appeared on 60 Minutes on Sunday with Lesley Stahl. We all know that he's a big-time crybaby. / video:
    (clip): Boehner and Stahl strolling through a lobby

    (Lesley Stahl voice-over): "And what about building a relationship with the president? They do have several things in common."

    (clip): Boehner playing golf

    (Lesley, smiling, questioning Boehner): "You play golf. The president plays golf. And you're a much better golfer than he is."

    (Boehner): blubbering, unable to speak

    (animation): the 60 Minutes stopwatch

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Thursday is Larry King's last Larry King Live. Dave extends his insincere congratulations to the owl-looking-like broadcasting legend. / Larry, on the phone:
    (Dave): "Hello, Larry, it's Dave!"

    (Larry): "Hello."

    (Dave): "Larry, it's Dave. Congratulations on a great career!"

    (Larry): "Portland, Oregon, hello."

    (Dave): "Larry, it's me, Dave. I'm calling from New York City."

    (Larry): "Lake Mary, California, hello."

    (Dave): "Larry, can you hear me? It's Dave. Congratu..."

    (Larry): "Sioux City, Iowa, hello."

    (Dave): "Right. Now, listen, Larry, what I wanted to ask you was what are your plans for the future now?"

    (Larry): "Port St. Lucie, Florida, hello."

    (Dave): "Larry, can you hear me, or not?"

    (Larry): "Abilene, Kansas, hello."

    (Dave): "Alright. Larry, Larry, it's Dave."

    (Larry): "Harrisburg, Virginia, hello."

    (Dave, hanging up): "Sounds like Larry needs a nap. I don't know why... I don't know why I even try."

    ••• The New York Jets played the Dolpins on Sunday, Dec. 12. The Jets' strength and conditioning coach, Sal Alosi, stuck his leg out and tripped a Dolphin. He's suspended. / Top Ten Jets Coach Excuses ••• Paul Rudd plugs How Do You Know. ••• Chris "Mad Dog" Russo ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Mad Dog ••• Joanna Newsom plays a harp. I hope someone enjoyed that. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/15/10 [3414]: monologue: Dave's sorry the show is running late. (An audience guy had to go potty after Dave came out for the preshow warm-up. There's much more teasing to follow.) ••• The Jets strength and conditioning coach who tripped a Dolphins player from the sideline has been a huge story since Sunday. It turns out he works everywhere. / video: We see Fidel Castro's nasty trip on a curb back in 2004. ••• There's an unusual category in the Golden Globe Awards. / video:

    (title graphic)

    (graphic and voice-over): "The nominees for Outstanding Performance by an Animal Killed by Sarah Palin are:

    (footage of mayhem)

    1. Slaughtered Caribou, Sarah Palin's Alaska,
    2. Bludgeoned Halibut, Sarah Palin's Alaska and
    3. Black Bear in Tree, Sarah Palin's Alaska. (We see the bear falling from the tree onto a trampoline.)

    (voice-over): "Back with more nominees after these words from Doan's Pills®."

    (title graphic)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a "Healthy Eating Tip": Driveway salt adds zip to any meal!" ••• desk chat: Dave has lots more static for the guy who walked out during the preshow questions. We get a reenactment from Dave, as he uses a guest chair to mimic the guy trying to slip out unnoticed. Anyway, in his haste to visit the restroom downstairs, the guy first left his stuff under his seat near the front. Then he was asked to take a seat in the balcony, so he wouldn't disrupt the proceedings any more. But Dave decided he should get his original seat back. Oops. He leaves a package under his balcony seat, thereby creating a bomb scare. In the package: clothes. ••• It's another call from Jeff Altman as a drunken ne'er-do-well. /
    (Dave): "Hello."

    (Jeff): "Uh, hi. Is, is, is, is this the Steak 'n Shake™?"

    (Dave): "No, sir, I'm sorry. You have the wrong number. It's not Steak 'n Shake™."

    (Jeff): "Well, hold on just a second."

    (Jeff, hollering into the next room): "Get off the extension, Ma! I'm trying to use the goddamned phone!"

    (Jeff, back to Dave): "Hello. Is this the Steak 'n Shake™?"

    (Dave): "Yes, it is. This is Steak 'n Shake™. How may I help you?"

    (Jeff): "Yeah, I, I was in there the other day, and guess what, you blank-faced mule! I found a pocket comb in my Steakburger!"

    (Dave): laughing

    (Jeff): "Can you believe it? A greasy, old, hairy, yucked-up pocket comb! You hear what I'm sayin'? I'm sick of your mumbo-jumbo, buddy!"

    (Dave): "Listen, I'm sorry. Did you say comb?"

    (Jeff): "That's right! Get the fat out of your ears, lard balls!"

    (Jeff, hollering into the next room): "Ma, could you get off phone for five God-forsaken minutes, get the rake and do somethin' about the raccoon?!"

    (Dave, laughing)

    (Jeff): "Anyway, listen. I, I, I've got no hair, you see, 'cause I used to work at DuPont as a chemical taster."

    (Dave, smiling): "Uh huh."

    (Jeff): "You, you ever eat that electromagnetic paint?"

    (Dave): "Yes, I have."

    (Jeff): "Don't... Look, look, look, bud. Don't interrupt me, donkey ass! So help me I'll tear you apart like a hyena!"

    (Jeff): some sort of wild dog or coyote (or maybe hyena) yelping

    (Jeff): "Anyway, what I want to know is... could, could, could you please tell me when Mannix is on?"

    (Dave): "Uh, I think nine. Nine p.m. Tuesdays, right here on CBS!"

    (Jeff, hollering into the next room): "You hear that, Ma? I told you Mannix was still on!"

    (Jeff): "Hey, listen, I've gotta go. Mom's got her ass stuck in the dryer."

    (Jeff): barking, yelping

    (FX): phone slams down, dial tone

    (Dave): "OK."

    ••• Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. / Top Ten Questions Time Magazine Asks Before Selecting Someone as "Person of the Year" / #7: Ever run into the restroom in the middle of a talk show taping? ••• Rachel Maddow plugs the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC. ••• interruption: Dave had asked for a plaque for putting up with the restroom guy earlier, and writer Joe Grossman appears to present it. It turns out that Joe wants a tip. No tip for Joe. He reclaims the plaque and exits the theater. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Dreesen / The restroom guy walks out of the theater. ••• Ronnie Spector (with a kids choir and a saxophone solo by Bruce Kapler) has a nice song from her new CD, "Ronnie Spector's Best Christmas Ever." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/16/10 [3415]: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Some people are upset. / video: one of the many clips of John Boehner, blubbering like a fool, followed by Terrell Owens' tearful "He's my quarterback" episode ••• Tonight marked Larry King's last broadcast after 25 years of Larry King Live. This is the occasion for "Larry King: An Appreciation." / video:

    (opening graphic and Chicago's "You're the Inspiration")

    (clip): Larry sparring with the ever-ornery Baretta himself, Robert Blake

    (clip): "He's been litigating on this issue since the Jack-in-the-Box® E. Cowli opray... E. Cowli Ope... E. Cawlay. E. Collie Oapright..."

    (clip): more with Robert Blake: "The whole world knows that Larry King had sex with an elephant."

    (clip): totally out-of-sync with some lady I don't recognize

    (clip): Robert Blake: "You had sex with an elephant!"

    (title graphic)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some thoughts for us: 1. Happy holidays. 2. Don't overdo snow shoveling. 3. If you're using illegal fireworks, be very careful. ••• It's freezing cold outside. There's a camera outside to give us an update. We see a lady walking down the sidewalk, followed by a man. Then it's Don H. Hewitt, The Man on Fire, calmly strolling across 53rd Street. ••• "Bad Acting Gig" / video: In this segment premiere, we see some aspiring actors sniffing cat whizz in an infomercial for BestSmellingLitter.com. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Larry King's Final Show ••• Matt Damon plugs the remake of True Grit. He's the co-founder of the H2O Africa Foundation. Visit water.org to learn about his efforts to provide clean, safe water in developing countries. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Assistant Cue Card Technician Todd Seda appears from the backdrop to give his best wishes to Dave on his last broadcast. /
    (Dave, smiling): "Oh, hi. Hi, can I help you?"

    (Todd): "Oh, yeah. I just wanted to say, after 53 years in the business, we're all gonna miss you!"

    (Dave): "Well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. I have no idea what you're talkin' about, but thank you very much."

    (Todd, smiling): "The suspenders... the hunched shoulders... the liver spots. Classic stuff, man!"

    (Dave): "Uh huh. I still don't understand."

    (Todd, moving closer, cupping his hands to yell): "I SAID, THE SUSPENDERS, THE HUNCHED SHOULDERS, THE LIVER SPOTS. CLASSIC STUFF!"

    (Dave, smiling): "Oh... OK. I know what this is. You think I'm Larry King!"

    (Todd, turning to the audience): "It's so sad. He's already gone senile."

    (Todd, to Dave): "Well, there's cake in the conference room. Later, you old chunk of coal."

    ••• Florence + the Machine sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/17/10 [3416]: The holidays are a time when people often feel stressed. / video:

    (clip): a busy shopping mall

    (voice-over, with numerous Christmas scenes): "Feeling stressed about Christmas? Are you overwhelmed by all the shopping, decorating and parties? If so, there's never been a better time to become Jewish! Converting to Judaism means no unwieldy Christmas trees, no annoying caroling and, while other people are having Christmas dinner with relatives they can't stand, you can be at the movies watching two super-hot Jewish women making out."

    (awesome clip of Natalie Portman and Milas Kunis kissing)

    (Star of David graphic)

    (voice-over): "Judaism..."

    (voice-over by Michael Z. McIntee): "Not available in the Midwest."

    ••• The last episode of Larry King Live was seen last night, drawing 2,240,000 viewers. Dave's sorry to see Larry go, as this leaves him now as the creepiest old guy on TV. Dave points out that Larry King was a pioneer. No... not a TV pioneer... he was an actual pioneer. (You know, the Wild West variety, with a Conestoga wagon.) Dave wonders if Larry will really leave, or if he's just pulling a Leno. (Then Dave slips up for a moment in the monologue. He says Diane Sawyer and Barbara Walters will be there, etc. He's forgetting during the Friday-show-taped-on-Monday-evening that by the time tonight's episode airs, Larry's final show was yesterday.) / CNN announcement:
    (clips of the suspendered one on the set)

    (voice-over): "Larry King has stepped down as host of his long-running CNN program, Larry King Live. While he does plan to spend more time with friends and family, Larry's schedule will stay packed, as he'll continue to host the show in his kitchen."

    (clip of Larry at a kitchen table): "Before you were a performer, did you have any other jobs?"

    (CNN logo and voice-over): "CNN. A Name in News."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "This year I got an artificial Christmas tree. That almost seems right, considering how much plastic surgery I've had." ••• desk chat: 1. Dave has new glasses. Every time he gets new glasses, he feels like he's in a funhouse. 2. Dave had no shampoo today, so he made do with some bar soap and conditioner. Now he looks like a guy who's been taken downtown for questioning! ••• Top Ten Signs Your Mall Santa Is Overworked ••• Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman plug Little Fockers in multiple segments. It was fairly clear early on from DeNiro's body language that he didn't especially want to be there. In between a couple of their segments was an audience pan. Who knows what act we should call it. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that Hannibal Buress has been bumped to January 7. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/20/10 [3417]: Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." The military is already adapting. / video:

    (U.S. Senate scene)

    (voice-over): "Now that Congress has voted to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," open homosexuality will no longer be forbidden in the military."

    (clip of soldiers patrolling an area)

    (voice-over): "So, if you're in the Armed Forces and you'd like to engage in homosexual activity, simply fill out the HB-290 Homosexual Behavior Requisition Form. Be sure to specify:

    • with whom you plan to engage in gay activity,
    • which gay activities you plan to practice, and
    • the dates on which said activities will take place.
    Attach extra pages, if necessary. Then, submit all paperwork in triplicate to your commanding officer. Your request will be sent to the military's Gay Advisory Board, which reserves the right to replace your gay partner for tactical or logistical purposes. You'll receive your Gay Authorization Certificate within eight to 10 weeks. Then, feel free to gay it up! It's just that simple!"

    (doctored Uncle Sam poster)

    (voice-over): "The United States military: We want you... gay."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: The Late Show Christmas tree is up, and the meatball is in place, high atop the tree, with the pizza hanging below it. "How was this year's meatball selected," you ask. / video:
    (shot of the Late Show marquee)

    (voice-over): "It started six months ago, when a search party left the Ed Sullivan Theater, and began scouring the Northeast for a wondrous ball of meat to top the Late Show Christmas tree. It wasn't long before the O'Flannery family of Elmira, New York heard a knock at the door. Wednesday is meatball night in the O'Flannery home, and as fate would have it, this particular Wednesday, one meatball was unusually large. It was loaded on a flatbed truck, shipped to New York City, and placed atop the Late Show Christmas tree, where it will be knocked off by a football thrown by a guy who used to be on Cheers..."

    (photo of Jay Thomas)

    (voice-over): "...and a crazy man."

    (clip of Dave taking aim with a football and disintegrating a meatball in a past December)

    (voice-over): "Reporting from Elmira, New York, Scott Talbott, CBS News."

    ••• Top Ten New York Giants Excuses ••• Jack Black plugs Gulliver's Travels. Before getting to the motion picture, Dave produces a tray of three chili pepper varieties, because Jack's hobby is eating the things. Little did I know, for the past 98 years there's been a measure of chili pepper firepower, called the Scoville Scale. A bell pepper is 0 on the scale. Jalapeño runs 3,500 to 8,000. Habañero runs 250,000 to 350,000 Scoville units. Jack starts with a Jalapeño, then a Serrano, and bravely eats part of a Habañero pepper. Apparently a milk shake helps considerably in survival.
    Side story: In 1996, about a month before I started this fan page, I won a Late Show trivia contest sponsored by CBS. The prize was a trip for two to San Francisco to see the May 8 taping. My friend Dave Young went with me. When we were goofing around in San Francisco, we went into a souvenir shop, whereupon I purchased three pepper items because of the silly packaging:
    1. Ass in the Tub Hot Sauce™ (with photo of a poor dude cooling his hiney in a tub of water after consuming the product) (with cayenne)
    2. Ass Kickin' Hot Sauce™ (with photo of a kicking mule) (with Habañero) and
    3. Seasoning from Hell™ (with photo of Satan himself) (with Habañero).
    If you pick up any of these containers, you don't dare touch your eyes afterward, or they'll burn for an hour.
    ••• interruption: It's the stagehand who looks like an elf. Dave awards the cash jackpot to the gentleman who, on the way offstage, amuses himself by informing Dave that he's Jewish! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Marv Albert presents his year-end Albert Achievement Awards. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/21/10 [3418]: The gossip magazines are running pictures this week of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise looking sort of gloomy. Have they let themselves go a little bit? / photo: a very well-fed couple ••• Results of the 2010 United States Census were released today. / video:

    (Bureau of the Census seal)

    (voice-over): "Thank you for your participation in the 2010 United States Census. To conclude our official population tally by year's end, all Americans are asked to assemble for a group photo. The photo will take place on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. at 12 noon on December 25th, 2010. Wearing business attire, simply arrive no later than 11:45 a.m., and line up with your fellow citizens, according to height. Attendance is mandatory. Absence is punishable by lifetime imprisonment or death. The United States Census Bureau: We Do Nothing But Count."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Small Town News"
    • News Transcript, Morgantown, New Jersey: "All Breed Dog Show / no pets allowed"
    • Shoreline East, Madison, Connecticut: "Seeking Men / Pleasingly plump Lady, 59, with dyed hair, poor eyesight, impaired hearing, no teeth and cold feet."
    • Northwood Anchor, Northwood, Iowa: ad from Fleet Farm Supply / "Annual Fall Sale / Everything In Our Store 10% *Excludes twine."
    • Cape Cod Times, Hyannis, Massachusetts: "Man survives pickup rolling over his head / When the rescue squad arrived... they found the man smoking a cigarette with his crew. He had a tire track across his head..."
    • Kalamazoo Gazette, Kalamazoo, Michigan: "ADULT XL DIAPERS, never used. $5/pkg. All for $65."
    • Flathead Beacon, Kalispell, Montana: "POLICE BLOTTER / A seemingly successful theft... was foiled when the woman ran out the door with the stolen items and drove off without realizing she had forgotten her purse."
    • Antigo Daily Journal, Antigo, Wisconsin: "DNR asks hunters not to shoot themselves"
    • Decorah Public Opinion, Decorah, Iowa: birth announcement / "Stockdales welcome Gavin Daniel. Gavin weighed 3900 grams (98.6 pounds)."
    • Anaconda Leader, Anaconda, Montana: political ad / "Bill Johnson for Justice of the Peace / If elected, I will not drink during my tenure as JP."
    • Morning Call, Allentown, Pennsylvania: yard sale / "Left the bastard now need $ sale"
    • Warren County Record Warrenton, Missouri: (picture of a bespectacled bride) "Can you identify the man in this week's photo?"
    ••• desk chat: Dave says he called Conan O'Brien today, and had a nice visit. He also opined that Jay Leno is a snake. ••• Top Ten Surprises Found in the 2010 Census ••• Jamie Foxx interview ••• Alan Kalter wants some time, which Dave grants (against his better judgment). Alan announces that he wants to give every single person in the audience a brand new Ford Fiesta. The scrim rises to reveal this oddly-colored beauty. Big Red goes on and on about its attributes. Eventually Dave asks the obvious question: how he's going to finance this magnanimous gesture? Alan's not quite sure, as he doesn't have any money, but he sure does want to do it! Alan disappears offstage. Wait a minute. Where did the Fiesta onstage come from? It's Dave Dorsett's! Dave Letterman recommends that Dave should call the AAA to get the thing out of there. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sofia Vergara plugs Modern Family. ••• Jamie Foxx sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. (Wherever Alan ran off to, he wasn't there long.)

    12/22/10 [3419]: monologue: Just as Mike McIntee warned us could happen, Dave notices some snowflakes drifting down from the rafters. Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" performance was taped on Monday, and tidying up after all those fake flakes isn't the easiest thing in the world. ••• President Obama signed the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" today. / video:

    (clip of the president using multiple pens to sign the bill)

    (Barack Obama): "This is done." (He smacks the desk top for emphasis.)

    (music): Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men"

    ••• It's the time for Christmas cards, but more and more people are sending a digital card of some sort. / video:
    (lots of very large animals falling by the wayside / carcasses everywhere)

    (voice-over): "This holiday season, Sarah Palin would like to wish you and your family health, happiness and most of all, a very merry Christmas."

    (graphic): "Merry Xmas" spelled out with carcasses

    (voice-over): "Sarah Palin: How's that Hanukkah-Kwaanzaa stuff workin' out for ya?"

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. We'll have a toy demonstration tonight. Dave encourages viewers to do what they can to donate toys to kids who might not get them. He mentions Toys for Tots, which can be found at www.toysfortots.org. 2. Dave says he's gotten feedback about his snarky comments about the toys in the past, so he's going to just watch with awe tonight. We shall see. ••• North and South Korea are squabbling. South Korea has begun live fire military exercises, which doesn't please Dave. North Korea has released a response. / video:
    (clips of goose-stepping North Korean soldiers)

    (voice-over): "North Korea condemns the reckless provocations of the imperialist, puppet South. We will make good on our promise to retaliate; however, the North Korean military is currently on break for the holidays. We will be back in the office on January 3rd. If you have an emergency, leave a voicemail message for North Korean Office Administrator Kim Jong-Mavrikakis."

    (photo): Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis in a soldier's uniform

    (photo): Kim Jong-Il

    (voice-over): "Tickets still available for the government-produced 'Capitalist Pig-Dogs on Ice.' Call Telecharge. Seasons Greetings from North Korea. We will destroy you."

    ••• Dave wishes happy holidays to Paul and the band, then turns to Alan Kalter to include him, too. He's missing. Jerry Foley takes us to the office building, where we discover the annual Late Show Christmas party, already in progress. A cheerful Alan asks Dave what's happenin'. Dave comments that he doesn't recall being invited. "That's why we're calling it a party," Alan shouts, as he high fives that annoying little punk, Alden Emerson Provost. A shirtless waiter dude delivers the next round of beverages. ••• Top Ten Signs It's Christmas in New York ••• Shannon Eis has another great collection of toys. (Dave played for the Shannon Ice when he was in Ireland, by the way.) He also puts in a plug for www.toysfortots.org. As a child, Dave had only a sharp stick and a rusty can for toys. /
    1. Mattel® Cruncher Prehistoric Pets Robot Dinosaur (with a spiked collar, by the way) ($40) (Dave wonders about his latest tetanus shot.)
    2. Nerf® N-Force Stampede Blaster ($40)
    3. Spy Gear® Security Scanner ($20)
    4. the world's smallest remote control helicopter (which Dave shoots with the Blaster)
    5. Playstation Move® (video game for swatting virtual bugs) ($400)
    6. Razor Electric Drifter® Go Kart ($300 to $400) (Dave eventually crashes into the Christmas tree, totally knocking it over, sending the meatball flying a day early. Eddie Brill comes to the rescue.) The CBSO plays the Beatles' "Come On Baby Drive My Car."
    ••• after commercial: a clip of Dave's go cart destruction ••• Denis Leary plugs his book to help fire fighters, Suck on This Year. Apparently Christmas at the Leary household resulted in a lot of first aid and hospital trips. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Grace Potter & The Nocturnals sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/23/10 [3420]: trivia: Anton Fig's wearing a Santa hat tonight, instead of his trademark black beret. ••• If Paul did his traditional impression of Cher singing "O Holy Night," it was edited out for time. I'm very disappointed that it wasn't included this year. ••• Throughout tonight's program we'll see soldiers' greetings to their families from their locations abroad. ••• New York is magical at this time of year. It's about to become even more delightful. / video:

    (clip and music): Mayor Michael Bloomberg speaking / "Deck the Halls"

    (voice-over): "Mayor Bloomberg extends season's greetings to all New Yorkers and visitors. To make this season shine even more brightly, now through New Year's Day, all New York City traffic lights will simultaneously flash green and red."

    (clip): multiple cars crashing into each other

    (photo): New York City seal

    (voice-over): "Happy holidays from New York City, Land of 10,000 Lakes!"

    ••• desk chat:
    1. Tonight the Late Show is running several clips of soldiers' greetings to their families in America. Dave gives a shout out to Staff Sgt. Sal Giunta, who was on the show on Nov. 24, citing him as a perfect example of why the show carries these messages.

    2. Twelve years ago Vinny Testeverde was on, and they did the quarterback challenge. Vinny wasn't able to knock off the meatball. Jay Thomas, who had been interviewed earlier, came running onstage, grabbed a football and took out the meatball in one try. (This was on 12/30/98, by the way.) Jay's spontaneous stunt has become a great Late Show tradition now!

    3. Jay Thomas is the funniest man alive.
    ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Christmas Morning ••• My favorite guest, Amanda Peet, plugs Gulliver's Travels. Dave informs Amanda that she has the best celebrity profile that he's ever seen on the show, after seeing thousands and thousands of them. ••• Jay Thomas (of Sirius Radio these days) tells his traditional Lone Ranger story. ••• "Late Show Quarterback Challenge" / Dave and Jay have more trouble than usual with knocking the meatball off the top of the Christmas tree. Eventually Jay announces that he's going to nail it on the next try. Jay does. He wins the 2010 Quarterback Challenge. ••• Darlene Love sings "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." Bruce Kapler emerges for his saxophone solo through the paper of a fake fireplace. Bette Sussman was on hand, as usual, to do the chimes on the synthesizer.

    12/24/10: NO SHOW - CHRISTMAS EVE MASS

    12/27/10: REPEAT FROM 12/07/10

    12/28/10: REPEAT FROM 11/23/10

    12/29/10: REPEAT FROM 12/16/10

    12/30/10: REPEAT FROM 12/06/10

    12/31/10: REPEAT FROM 11/16/10

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    Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Nov. 5, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.

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