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1/02/12: REPEAT FROM 12/14/11

1/03/12 [3603]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a drunk guy from British Columbia. ••• It's Dave's first impression of 2012! (He calls it a reenactment.) He takes a few moments to adjust his clothing, touch up his hair and prepare himself mentally to portray himself. He turns to face his audience, and in his best dumb guy voice delivers the line, "Uhhh... one senior for We Bought a Zoo, please." ••• It's the first telecast of 2011, and time for Dave's new year's resolutions. He claims he normally doesn't do this, but he did so one year ago today. Here we go:

  1. I'm going to begin grooming my son to be my successor.
  2. I would love to have a gallery showing of my clown paintings.
  3. I am going to speak up more at my book club.
  4. I'm gonna get myself a new yoga mat.
  5. Bring home a competitive eating trophy.
  6. At my next Scientology seminar, I'm gonna introduce myself to Tom Cruise.
••• "Hard Hitting News Clip of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and "Breaking Now" intro music)

(KGO ABC 7 San Francisco reporter): "Is it easy to coax a monkey into a backpack?"

(Jill Andrews, San Francisco Zoo employee): "I would venture to say that it is not."

(title graphic)

••• Premiere staff outburst of 2012:
(Dave): "Maybe you know about this. Aretha Franklin is getting married to her longtime friend, William "Willie" Wilkerson."

(Alan, screaming, moaning and weeping): "What! My God, no! No, Dave! Why? Why? Oh, come on. Don't... don't do that to me, please! Oh!"

(Dave, to Paul): "You know Willie Wilkerson."

(Dave, to Alan): "Alan. Alan. Excuse me, Alan. What is the problem?"

(Alan): "I'm sorry. Maybe I misheard you. What'd you say?"

(Dave): "I said that Aretha Franklin is getting married to a guy named Willie Wilkerson."

(Alan): "Oh, God, NO!"

(Alan, to camera operator): "Come in. Come in real close and tight. Tight, dammit! Tight!"

(Alan, to Miss Franklin): "Aretha, my darling... You're makin' a mistake. I want you to look me in the eye, and if you tell me you love him more than me, I will walk away."

(Dave): "OK, OK, that's... Three days, and he's already ruined the new year. Thanks. Alright, that's plenty. Thank you."

••• The Iowa presidential primary election's coming up. Dave likes it when a Republican front-runner is getting his way, and Mitt Romney throws some money to run a bunch of negative commercials. Then the guy starts whining. Newt Gingrich says every commercial — no matter what for — in Iowa has something negative to say about him. / video:
(clip): Hamburger Helper® ad / family eating dinner

(voice-over): "Looking for an easy dinner the whole family will love? Hamburger Helper® has 40 varieties to turn plain ground beef into a different dish every night! Also, Newt Gingrich is an ass      ."

(photo): Newt

(Hamburger Helper® hand): "Look at that guy!"

(voice-over): "Hamburger Helper®: Forty dishes. All delicious."

••• "Ron Paul: In It to Win It" / video:
(title graphic and trumpet fanfare)

(ABC interviewer, to Paul): "When you lay your head down on the pillow at night, do you see yourself in the Oval Office?"

(Ron Paul): "Not really."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Oh, and thanks for inviting me to all those fun New Year's Eve parties I keep reading about on Facebook!" ••• desk chat: Dave's on the Twitter machine again, and he's decided to lie about who's on the show. He claims Norv Turner is on. Dave has 128,848 followers on Twitter now. ••• "Tom Hanks Tells Buddy Hackett Jokes" / Tom's in front of a green screen so he looks like a stand-up comedian in front of a curtain. ••• Tweet: Dave claims Buddy Hackett is on tonight, too. ••• Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time to End Your Presidential Campaign / The drunk guy from British Columbia gets #9! ••• desk chat: Dave's taking to piracy on Twitter. Instead of retweeting, he's cutting and pasting. He decides to rip off a Jimmy Fallon tweet.

(The censors blurred out the F in LMFAO.) ••• Will Arnett plugs Up All Night. Dave and Will tag team a tweet to Fallon. ••• desk chat: a tweet to Jimmy Fallon ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan Kalter proudly displays a new shipment of vacuum cleaner bags ••• Lisa Lampanelli ••• Guided by Voices sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/04/12 [3604]: We have a different twist on the audience shout out tonight. Dave announces that he has appointed an audience leader. ••• Pat Farmer and Tommy O'Brien roll out a display of the Iowa presidential caucuses last night. Dave begins to point out something when the screen crashes to the floor and explodes. Oh, well. ••• "Marcus O'Bachmann: Gettin' It Done" / video:

(title graphic and Paul's "It's Raining Men")

(Michele O'Bachmann): "Yesterday, when we were out on Main Street in Des Moines, he was buying doggie sunglasses for our dog, Boomer."

(title graphic and Paul's "It's Raining Men")

••• rerun from 10/06/11: New Jersey's Governor Chris Christie isn't running for president after all. Here's another look at his press conference. What he has to say isn't quite the point, as we marvel at the governor's sandwich construction skills. / video: It's a multi-decker production, with a heaping helping of mustard on top, all made while the governor speaks. ••• "The Importance of the Iowa Caucus" / video:
(title graphic and "In Tune Today")

(voice-over): "The Iowa Caucus has long been considered one of the most important events in our election process. Congratulations to this year's victor, Mitt Romney, who joins previous winners President Huckabee, President Kerry, President Dole, President Gephardt and two-time winner, President Uncommitted. Mitt Romney: Stoked!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Late Show Word of the Day": Cornucopia. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has to stop tweeting to Jimmy Fallon, because he's on NBC, and it's making the CBS network people sad.

  2. Dave got on the eharmony.comancestry.com, where he found out that his great great grandmother lived next door to Hitler.
••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman"
(Joe comes out in an Elvis black wig, with huge sideburns, a red jumpsuit and cape.)

(Dave): "Hi, Joe. Nice to see you! How're ya doin'?"

(Joe): "I got attacked by a pigeon."

(Dave): "Was that over the weekend you got attacked by a pigeon?"

(Joe): "Yeah."

(Dave): "I'm sorry to hear that. What do you have for us tonight, Joe?"

(Joe, to the audience): "With Mitt Romney eeking out a narrow victory over Rick Santorum in yesterday's Iowa Caucus, attention now turns to New Hampshire primary. If Rick Santorum is able to build on his momentum and finish strong in the Granite State, it could undermine the Romney campaign's claim of inevitability."

(Dave): "Now, Joe, excuse me. I'm gonna stop you right there. You know that you're dressed like Elvis?"

(Joe): "Yes."

(Dave): "Yeah. And, uh, was that in the script?"

(Joe): "No.

(Dave): "Did you write this segment?"

(Joe): "No."

(Dave, smiling): "I think maybe your writer buddies are having some fun with you tonight. "

(Joe): "I think you're probably right."

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah."

(Joe): "May I go?"

(Dave): "Yes, you can go now."

(Joe): exits the stage

••• desk chat: Dave says he wasn't going to name Hitler in the earlier desk chat. He meant to say Daniel Boone. Paul opines that Hitler is stronger. Dave just got confused. ••• Top Ten Surprises at Michele O'Bachmann's Press Conference ••• desk chat: Dave got on ancestry.match, where he found his parents. For example, his mother was Marilyn Monroe, and his father was Harvey Lembeck. ••• Brian Williams plugs Rock Center. Over time, Brian's been one of the show's greatest guests, along with his predecessor, Tom Brokaw, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts and, of course, Amanda Peet. ••• Twitter update: Dave has 134,596 followers today. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• another tweet ••• outside cam: Brian Williams beats up a punk on the sidewalk after his interview. Dude looked at Brian funny, I guess, so he needed a knee to the trousers. ••• Dave tweets to Larry King. ••• WU LYF sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/05/12 [3605]: "Iranian Missile Test" / video from www.presstv.com: We see a highly mountainous area, and hear in a Middle-Eastern accent: "T minus three, two, one." A hand appears onscreen, guiding a toy missile through its launch and descent, complete with sound effects. ••• interruption: The Digital Twins, Jay Johnson and Walter Kim, as EMT dudes, rush in during the monologue.

(Dave): "Oh, my God! What? Hi. Hey. Holy crap!"

(Jay): "Are you Letterman?"

(Dave): "Yes."

(Jay): "Are you OK?"

(Dave): "I'm fine."

(Jay): "Quit playing with your Medic Alert® button, ass      !"

(Dave): "First of all, that's not what I was playin' with. Nice bedside manner, by the way."


(The Digital Storm Troopers stand by, just offstage, for the remainder of the telecast.)

••• monologue:
"How about that Ron Paul? You know Ron Paul? Oh, my God. He... Ron Paul... says now he's really appealing to young people, and you can certainly see why. Nobody's ever seen his wife. You ever think about it... you've never seen his wife? It's because he keeps her in the factory, turnin' out those fish sticks."
••• On Sunday, Bob Schiefer of Face the Nation asks presidential candidates for their new year's resolutions. / video:
(Face the Nation graphic)

(Bob): "Did you ever wonder what the candidates' new year's resolutions are?"

(Mitt Romney): "This coming year, I will endeavor to say thank you more often."

(Ron Paul): "Make sure that when people come to hear me, that I deliver a proper message, and do a better job each time I do it."

(Michele Bachmann): "It's to work very, very hard and win the Iowa Caucus (Late Show "no" buzzer), and then win the New Hampshire Primary (Late Show "no" buzzer), and then win the South Carolina Primary (Late Show "no" buzzer), and then go on to win the Florida Primary (Late Show "no" buzzer). So my resolution is to win primaries next year. And become the nominee."

(graphic): "Way to go, Michele!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did you know Tina is short for Tinathy?" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave complains about having to do his own tweeting. He doesn't know how it works, and can't get anyone to tweet him back. He tweets, "Don't play with your button."

  2. He went on match.comancestry.com, and you can find out interesting things. His great great great grandmother lived next door to Argentinian soccer superstar Diego Maradona!

  3. There's a woman on the staff who is a homosexual lesbian. (OK, it's executive producer Barbara Gaines.) Gaines needed to hail a cab. When it pulled over, she kissed her wife, Ari, goodbye. When she got in, the cab driver asked, "Are you French?"
••• Top Ten Signs Newt Gingrich Is Losing It (including a shout out to Jay and Walter) ••• Tina Fey plugs 30 Rock. She's a great guest. ••• desk chat: Dave tweets that he's had surgery on his face. Tonight's followers count: 136,974 ••• outside cam: Not to be outdone by last night's sidewalk indiscretion perpetrated by Brian Williams, as Tina Fey exits onto 53rd Street, she sees a vehicle by the curb, searches a dumpster and extracts a bat, then smashes the windshield of the unsuspecting vehicle. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The road to the White House is Pennsylvania Avenue." ••• Jeremy Irvine plugs War Horse. ••• The Barr Brothers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/06/12 [3606]: Dave says welcome to the Late Show clothing drive. It's a shout out to an audience guy who forced a shirt on him. ••• "CNN Slow News Day" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(clip): It's two female anchors gobbling grapes as fast as they can.

(title graphic)

••• Dave insults Alan Kalter, so Alan has to have his lips blurred. ••• monologue: Dave does his execution gag, with full sparky sound effects and blinking lights. ••• "Newt Gingrich Fighting Dirty" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Strategy 12-A: Boobytrapped debate podiums."

(Mitt Romney): "...thousand-dollar discount, if you are an illegal alien, to the University of Texas."

(animation): A mallet rises from the lectern on a scissor jack, then begins conking Governor Romney on the side of his noggin.

(clip): Newt Gingrich observes, amused, at his own lectern.

(voice-over): "Watch your back." (title graphic)

••• more electric chair ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Remember, I'm a notary. Meet me outside after the show if you need an documents notarized." ••• desk chat: Dave's great great grandmother lived next door to Alex Trebek. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy new year. Bruce, have you done any after-Christmas shopping yet?"

(Bruce): "A little, sure. I... mostly hunting gear."

(Linda): "Well, if you think the best of the after-Christmas bargains are gone, think again. We're gonna reveal some secret spots for deals so good, they should be called steals."

(Bruce): "Uh oh. Are you gonna shop 'til you drop?"

(Linda, laughing): "Maybe."

(Bruce): "And I will visit the sanitation department facility that recycles Christmas trees. Without a doubt, it's the biggest pile of mulch I've ever seen!"

(Linda): "Oh, I'll bet it smells wonderful! Mmm. Balsam! You know, it's also gonna smell like romance in our studio, because a charming gentleman is going to propose to his girlfriend, live on our show, and she doesn't know it yet."

(Bruce): "Yikes! I hope it goes his way. All that, plus I got my film developed from New Year's Eve on Times Square, and I'm bringin' in some crazy photos. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• desk chat: Dave's Uncle's great great grandmother lived next door to Jimmy Hoffa. ••• Top Ten Signs You're Already Having a Bad Year / #6: You're Joy Philbin. ••• Tweet: @#HashTag. 30 years on network TV. Guy gives me a shirt. B  D!! (Yes, the censors blurred out the F in BFD.) ••• Kristen Bell plugs House of Lies on SHO. She enjoys novelty stink bombs. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to the CBS Orchestra, who's just finishing Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride." Alez Chez was in on the singing. ••• Tweet: @#HashTag. Kristen Bell beat a shark to death with her bare hands, blah,blah,blah,blah......... (He ain't buyin' it.) Dave now has 137,208 followers. ••• It's time for another "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary," starring receptionist Art Kelly. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dan Naturman does stand-up. It was all fresh and funny material. ••• Dave previewed Blind Spot for the next segment. They don't exist. Tony Mendez apparently had their name wrong on the cue card. ••• Tweet: @#HashTag. JOB OPENING! Late night talk show cue card boy. ••• Blind Pilot sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/09/12 [3507]: Michael Z. McIntee has announcing duties tonight. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to an audience guy from Iowa. ••• monologue: Dave cooks up a story about finding a little squirrel with early-onset pneumonia. He bundled it up and took it to the New York City Small Veterinarian Emergency Animal Hospital. The veterinarian (Jay Johnson, D.V.M.) is with us by live satellite hookup.

(Dave): "Doctor, can you hear me? There he is, right there! Doctor, I wonder if you could tell me... how is the squirrel doing?"

(Jay, holding the little bundle of joy on a doll bed): "Well, thanks to your swift action, the little guy is gonna make a full recovery."

(Dave): "Oh, thank you very much. That's great to hear! Going to make a full recovery. I feel so much better. Thank you. I think that makes us all feel... What a way to start the show, to get news like that!"

(Paul interjects): "I don't understand. I don't get it."

(Dave): "What's the problem?"

(Paul): "Well, you know, when I heard about a squirrel in Central Park, I thought it was gonna be something... about his nuts."

(Dave): "Well, no... no... it really... but you know, I'll tell ya, when I found him... when I found the squirrel... he was completely disoriented, he couldn't hold his nuts."

(CBS Orchestra): post-big-joke fanfare

••• "Meet the Press Debate Highlight" / MSNBC video: A lady right behind host David Gregory is sound asleep. ••• Many Hispanics are undecided about how they'll vote in the presidential race. Newt's reaching out to them. / C-SPAN video: We see a Mexican soap opera cat fight. One of the hotties lands in a swimming pool, just like the old days on Dynasty. ••• Michael Z. McIntee with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave complains that the writers have left him floundering on material for tweets. Therefore, he's posted a placeholder tweet: @#HashTag! Same dream. Swallowed Giant marshmallow. Pillow missing. / Dave now has 142,347 followers.

  2. Snow Patrol's on, and Dave shows the album cover. He points out the difference between a bald eagle and an American eagle.

  3. Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage, but Dave has a detour for us: Here's an exciting new development for the Late Show, and it will forever change the way we think about television. (9th floor cam): Mike McIntee announces that there's new carpet on the hallway of the 9th floor of the office building. Two models in sparkly dresses are there to point at it. The founder and CEO of Metro Carpeting, Irv Morris, tells us, "It's made from synthetic, polypropylene-based fibers." (FX: Late Show "yes" bell.)
••• Top Ten Ways Kim Jong Un Celebrated His Birthday (Jong-Un wasn't hyphenated in the graphic.) ••• desk chat: Dave mentions the CBS Early Show. ••• Writers' tweet: @#Hash Tag. Bald and Golden Eagle not related, but do receive one another's mail. ••• Mark Wahlberg plugs Contraband. He shows us how his numerous tattoos are being vaporized with lasers or something. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Heather Morris plugs Glee. Let's just say it wasn't a memorable interview. She brought in a crazy video that looked like it was made by junior high kids, and didn't seem embarrassed in the least. ••• Snow Patrol sings. ••• Michael Z. McIntee says good night. ••• [Snow Patrol played a live webcast at 8 P.M. EST.]

1/10/12 [3608]: [Dave's tie is tied way too short tonight, by the way.] ••• Michael Z. McIntee announces. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who can tell you the value of your home. ••• monologue: Dave enjoys the electric chair FX gag (Old Sparky buzzing and dimming lights) a couple of times tonight. "More juice! Dave exclaims." ••• "FOXNews Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(Shepard Smith): "What happens when you put a mouse in Mountain Dew®?"

(title graphic)

••• monologue: Dave announces that a certain Scotch whiskey manufacturer's selling the potion in a can. It has to be a quality item, because the label image is Nick Nolte's 2002 booking photo! ••• monologue: Anybody ever been pregnant? (besides the horn section) / photo: Gov. Chris Christie ••• Action clips are circulating of Barack Obama's Hawaiian vacation a few days ago. / "Politicians at the Beach" / video:
(title graphic)

(Barack Obama, 1/03/12): playing football on the sand

(Ronald Reagan, 6/15/62): tanning

(Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, 8/12/11): naked!

(title graphic)

••• Michael Z. McIntee with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's back on the Twitter Machine, tonight with 143,307 followers. / Tweet: @#Hash Tag. I am so fat!!!!!!!!!

  2. Dave's trying to bulk up to 600 pounds to qualify for weight reduction surgery.

  3. Tried and true tactics used by all candidates on the campaign trail fall into four categories, and Dave has photos to prove it. The CBS Orchestra plays on the bit with the Gunsmoke theme.

    • sweater vest photo ops (Rick Santorum)
    • the fake laugh (Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Newt)
    • Newt cannot take a bad photograph (Newt eating, Newt thumbs up, Newt grinning close-up)
    • "Looking good, Ron." (with Dr. Ron Paul, riding a bicycle in shorts)
••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts about Tim Tebow ••• Kate Beckinsale plugs Underworld: Awakening. Much is made of a parasailing photo of Kate and her daughter. She won't be repeating that experience. ••• Marv Albert interview ••• Mike McIntee with the Act 5 Audience Pan ••• year-end Albert Achievement Awards ••• The Little Willies sing. ••• Mike McIntee says good night. ••• [Some tweets were edited from tonight's telecast.]

1/11/12 [3609]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who was whining about Dave's tie. ••• Dave claims Mayor Bloomberg has outlawed alcohol in New York City. / Photoshop fun: We see one of those red slashed circles over Nick Nolte's 2002 booking mugshot. ••• Remember Osama bin Laden? The government of Pakistan is tearing down his place in Abbottabad, so it won't be a shrine. / Photo: Oh, no... that's not it. That's Mrs. Tiger Woods' place. / Let's try again. Aw, that's Derek Jeter's place. Just forget it! ••• Dr. Ron Paul has a different approach as a candidate. / Morning Joe video: His voice is now a deep, distinguished baritone. ••• "CNN: I Think It's Going Well" / video: A touch screen display of primary results is misbehaving badly for anchor John King. ••• Conservatives are upset with Mitt Romney, since he's not the most conservative. What to do? / video:

(voice-over): "With Mitt Romney ever-closer to the nomination, conservatives believe that the only way to defeat him is for the alternative candidates to unite... not only politically, but biologically. / animation:

(clip): A talking Newt head is on the shoulders of Rick Santorum, standing behind a lectern.

(voice-over): "Rewt Santingrich 2012. 100% medically active."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Your Lucky Numbers" ••• Dave now has 144,585 Twitter followers. / Tweet: @#HashTag! You know what they say about a guy with a short tie? Hey lady, nice sweater!!! ••• "Tom Hanks Tells Buddy Hackett Jokes" /
(Tom): "So a guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone, and could really use some company. The owner says he has just what she needs: a parrot that speaks five languages, and she'll have a lot of fun with that bird. And the guy says he'll take the parrot and make the arrangements to have the bird delivered up to his mother. Now a few days pass, and the man calls his mother: 'Well, hey, Mom, hey, did you like the bird that I sent?' And she goes, 'Oh, son, he was delicious!' The guy says, 'Mom! You ate that bird? Why, he could speak five languages!' And Mom says, 'Well, he should have said something.' "
••• Our old friend and spiritual leader, Gerard Mulligan, presents the Top Ten Things Kim Jong-Un Wants to Accomplish as Supreme Commander. [Unfortunately, Gerard didn't wear a flowered dress tonight.] ••• Tweet: @#Hash Tag. Dolly Parton is here. Kim Jong un. Three boobs. ••• Dolly Parton plugs Joyful Noise. She has inch-long fingernails, enhanced lips and bleached hair that looks like she's been in a hurricane. ••• Dave says that CNN's using some kind of hologram effect, and he visits with Mitt Romney campaign spokesperson, Kevin Madden. A small image of a gentleman, relaxing in a recliner, appears on Dave's desktop.
(Dave): "Mr. Madden? Kevin? Kevin, is that you? Hi. Thanks for joining us, Kevin."

(man, trying to use his remote control): "My name isn't Kevin."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(man): "It's Al."

(Dave): "Oh."

(man): "What the hell happened?"

(Dave, to someone off-camera): "Well... Is this not Kevin Madden?"

(man): "No! It's Al."

(Dave): "We were trying to talk to you about the Romney campaign, and apparently we had a little... How are things in South Carolina?"

(man): "I'm not in South Carolina! Evidently something really did hap... I was sitting here, watching Ice Station Zebra on Turner Classic, and the next thing I know, I got sucked through the Samsung®!"

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Dave, laughing): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Really!? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well... You know, I'm sorry. Is it Kevin, you said?"

(man): "Al!"

(Dave): "I'm sorry..."

(man): "Al!"

(Dave): "Alright, Al, settle down. I apologize for the inconvenience."

(man): "Well... Where's Karen?"

(Dave): "I don't know... Who's Karen? Who's Karen?"

(man): "Karen! You know, the, uh, the busty weather girl on Channel 7."

(Dave): "I don't... I... I'm sorry..."

(man): "Could you possibly... you know, introduce her?"

(Dave): "Look. Look, I'm sorry. We'll send you a check for your trouble."

(man): "Yeah. A small one, no doubt!"

(Dave): "Yeah. OK."

(man): "Hey!"

(Dave): "What?

(man): "Spock!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(man): "Beam me up some ravioli, will you?"

(Dave): "Alright, we'll try to get the bugs... See, it's a holograph. It's technology."

••• Act 5: We see Gerard Mulligan in the green room, with Dolly. ••• Alan Zweibel plugs his book, Lunatics. ••• Dolly Parton sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/12/12 [3610]: Tonight's audience shout out is to all the light honeymooners in the audience. Wait a minute. The audience lady who talked to Dave is from Australia. She said "late honeymoon," but Dave misunderstood her accent. ••• interruption: Pat Farmer has a fascinating item for show and tell. /

(Dave): "Oh, hi Pat!"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave, how are you?"

(Dave): "Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen... one of our stagehands. Good to see you, Pat. How're ya doin'?"

(Pat): "Same, Dave. Good to see you. Dave, you like science?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(Pat): "Do you enjoy science?"

(Dave): "Ooh, science! Oh, my God, I love science! I really do... almost as much as I enjoy being interrupted."

(Pat): "Good. Good. You'll appreciate this, then."

(Dave): "OK, what've you got?"

(Pat): "It seems that in the news, scientists in New Guinea have discovered the world's largest dime."

(photo): We see one U.S. dime, with a tiny little froggie sitting on it. (It's a Paedophryne amauensis.)

(FX): Boing sound.

(Pat): "Science: You can't live with it. You can't live without it. Am I right, folks? Catch you later, Dave."

(Pat exits the stage.)

(Dave): "He made a valid point. I just wish he'd made it somewhere else."

••• Hostess® is bankrupt. They're closing their doors. The folks at Hostess® have been very good to the Late Show over the years, so here's a video to thank them. (And if you didn't see this joke coming down Broadway, you haven't been watching the show this winter.) / video:
(graphic): The Hostess® logo

(voice-over): "The Late Show wishes to thank Hostess®, whose many delicious products helped make this man an easy target for our lazy writers."

(background music): Whitney Houston's "Didn't We Almost Have It All"

(clips of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie)

(9/30/11): A Japanese chef is right next to Christie's lectern, doing that really fast chopping thing with a couple of knives. The chef pauses, loads a bite on a knife blade, and flings it toward the governor, who gobbles up the airborne grub!

(10/13/11): Governors Christie and Romney are side-by-side on a podium. There's an explosion, and Governor Romney turns into a giant hotdog with mustard.

(?): The governor is gobbling multiple airborne donuts with sprinkles.

(6/27/11): The governor, on Meet the Press, sinks lower and lower, until his chair collapses.

(10/06/11): We marvel at the governor's sandwich construction skills. It's a multi-decker production, with a heaping helping of mustard on top, all made while he speaks.

(voice-over): "God bless you, Hostess®."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, do you guys like pistachio nuts?" ••• desk chat:
[On January 12, a Steak 'n Shake opened next door to the Ed Sullivan Theater marquee, at 1695 Broadway. On January 10, they invited Late Show staff to come over and taste their offerings. I know this from Justin Stangel's tweets.] / desk chat: Dave tells about his excitement as a boy in Indiana, going to the local Steak 'n Shake for a burger and shake. / outside cam: Dave visits with Jayci from Dayton, Ohio, who's at the cash register. She introduces her co-workers, and District Manager Dawn Arnold. Dave tells Jayci that Steak 'n Shake meant his whole life to him as a boy. She takes an order for burgers and shakes (one vanilla, one chocolate) for Dave and Paul. ••• After commercial: the order's ready, and Jayci scampers into the Ed Sullivan Theater with the grub. (Obviously she'd been given a tour earlier, because she knew all the turns to make as she sped by the audience waiting to tape the Friday episode, into the inner lobby and through a back door of the theater, held open for her.) By the time this is over, Steak 'n Shake will have gotten 11.5 minutes of CBS airtime for free, including a theme song from the CBS Orchestra. (video clip)

Look at the publicity:

  • Roger Ebert tweeted:

    • "Letterman grew up with Steak 'n Shake. No coincidence their first NYC restaurant is NEXT to the Late Show theater."

    • "David Letterman and I once traded Steak 'n Shake trivia during a commercial break. In Sight, It Must Be Right! Gus Belt, founder!"

    • "I take full credit for Steak 'n Shake opening in Manhattan. Obviously it wuz this blog that dun it."

  • Celebritytweet.com covered the grand opening excitement.

  • The Wall Street Journal's on the story, too.
••• Senator John McCain (R-AZ) visits with Dave in multiple segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Senator McCain ••• Johnny Winter sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from tonight's telecast after so much fun with Steak 'n Shake: Top Ten Calls Received by the Hostess Hotline / #8: 8. "It's Governor Chris Christie. Consider this an act of war against New Jersey."]

1/13/12 [3611]: monologue: It's Dave's second impression of 2012: He takes a few moments to adjust his clothing and touch up his hair. The impression begins. Dave pretends to move a computer mouse and barks. An audience lady is cracking up. We'll learn later that she told Dave her poodle surfs the Internet. ••• "The History of Friday the 13th" /

(title graphic and spooky music)

(voice-over): "On Friday, October 13th, in the year 1307, just past midnight, some messed-up        happened."

(FX): scream

(voice-over): "This has been 'The History of Friday the 13th.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: Dave starts a joke, but the cue card leads him astray for a moment. He makes Tony do the joke. When Tony asks Dave to move to the left, Dave says one of George Carlin's words, and gets the Late Show aaoogah horn. Here's the joke:
(Tony): "Congratulations to New York City Archbishop Timothy Dolan. He was promoted to Cardinal because of his work on carb-free communion wafers. By the way, Dolan was the first New Yorker to become a Cardinal since Roger Maris."
••• interruption: Alan Kalter goes all Price Is Right on us. He calls "Earl Dennison" down. Producer Brian Teta, as Mr. Dennison, does the most incredible sprint of his career, from the back of the audience to a fully-stopped position next to Dave in 4.0 seconds. (video clip) And why did Alan do this? He just wanted to watch "Earl" run! ••• monologue: Dave barks for the audience lady. ••• "Before They Were Presidential Candidates" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney was CEO of the equity investment firm, Bain Capital. Newt Gingrich was Speaker of the House from 1995 to 1999. And Ron Paul was a Kentucky moonshiner."

(Shecky has some awesome video of a dancing, presumably-intoxicated hillbilly.)

(voice-over): "This has been ''Before They Were Presidential Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: For all his future tweets, Dave would like the studio lights to dim. He'd also like the sound of a muffled explosion. Friday's Late_Show Twitter followers number 148,509. / Tweet #1: @#HashTag! A poodle from Sacramento typed this. Seriously! ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. We're halfway through January!"

(Linda, looking now at Bruce): "How are those New Year's resolutions holding up?"

(Bruce): "Well, as you know, Linda, I'm trying to quit using nasal sprays, and so far, so good!"

(Linda): "Well, tomorrow we're going to talk to psychiatrist Carl Flashburn about his new book, So Long to Bad Habits, where he says the easiest way to change your behavior is through self-hypnosis."

(Bruce): "He's not going to make us cluck like chickens, is he?"

(Bruce and Linda rise from Dave's desk.)

(Bruce): "And over here in the Cookery Nook we have Donald Trump, Jr., who's going to show us how to make his billion-dollar meatballs."

(Linda): "Mmmm. Mama mia! Do you make them with beef, pork or veal?"

(Donald Trump, Jr.): "I use all three."

(Bruce): "Whoaaa!"

(Linda): "My goodness!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus our Weekly Word Puzzle, and the Saturday sermon from Brother Don Brennan, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

[By the way, some of the Late Show so-called fans on Facebook don't get the joke on this segment. Look at these Wall comments: "Is there really a weekend Late Show?"  "Where or when is this show telecast??? (not in Chicago's market)"]
••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself / #7: Is my poodle spending too much time surfing the Internet? ••• Tweet: @#HashTag! You might be a Kardashian if (currently unfinished) ••• Viggo Mortensen plugs A Dangerous Method. ••• Tweet: @#HashTag! You might be a Kardashian if NASA has tried to land a man on your ass!! YES!! ••• interruption: What is that commotion? That's right, you guessed it. Regis Philbin is conducting his own talk show offstage by the 53rd Street entrance. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Did you know you can learn a lot about your neighbors by reading their mail?" ••• Regis comes out and takes the guest chair for a bit. Dave honors Regis with his own tweet: @#HashTag! Regis says...."I'm still alive! Suck it"! ••• Dennis Regan does stand-up. ••• Tony Bennett sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/16/12 [3612]: Tony Mendez strolls onstage just after the scrim comes down. Dave gives him the business. ••• Michelle Obama appeared on Nickelodeon's iCarly earlier this evening. When Dave first heard of this program, he thought it was Ike Harley! / "First Ladies in Prime Time" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "1983: Nancy Reagan played herself on Diff'rent Strokes. 1976: Betty Ford played herself on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. 1969: Pat Nixon played the Gorn on Star Trek. To learn more about first ladies, visit your local library."

••• [The Gorn appeared in the Star Trek episode, "The Arena," and fought Captain Kirk. See below.] ••• The next edition of Oprah's Next Chapter on OWN features an interview of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie in his home.
(clips of Chris Christie)

(voice-over): "Sunday: An all-new Oprah's Next Chapter. Oprah will spend the entire hour talking to Republican powerhouse Chris Christie."

(Oprah): "You have been described as the human bulldozer, the Tony Soprano of politics..."

(voice-over): "Fifteen minutes of hard-hitting questions. Forty-five minutes of the governor trying to get out of the chair."

(animation... or maybe not): The chair collapses.

(voice-over): "The exclusive Oprah's Next Chapter."

(OWN graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Is this your card?" ••• desk chat:
Dave wants to talk about Oprah, and Oprah's Next Chapter. People ask Dave what he can do about Oprah. He suggests a new show, Would You Arrest Oprah?. Every week, they disguise Oprah. Then she does something like start a bar fight, the police come and we see what they do about it. Then shoplifting. Then a concealed weapon charge.
••• Top Ten Things People Said When They Heard Jon Huntsman Was Dropping out of the Presidential Race ••• Simon Baker plugs The Mentalist. ••• desk chat:
  1. Barack Obama wants to cut $450,000,000,000 from the defense budget over the next decade. Dave thinks someone will eventually suggest that we stop killin' each other.

  2. Dave gets on a whole tangent on what Jesus would do about this. And if that's not enough, then Dave discusses with Paul whether they could book Jesus on the Late Show, and if he'd appear there or on Leno first. By the way, what hotel would be used to host Jesus during his visit, or would he stay in a manger?

  3. Here's a message from the administration, "Defense Budget Cuts: Before and After." / video:
    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (voice-over): "Before budget cuts, antiballastic systems include the Patriot Missile System, the Aegis Combat System and the Terminal High Altitude Defense System. After budget cuts, antiballistic defense will be limited to the Angry Birds System."

    (clip): Angry birds shoot down an ICBM with an Angry Bird launched from a slingshot. (Direct hit! 5,000 points!)

    (voice-over and graphic): "Good luck, America."

••• Tweet: @#HashTag! Tomorrow night. Ike Harley, and a special Jay Walking! / @Late_Show now has 150,530 followers. / Oh, by the way: There's a new tweeting FX this week, now with a cloud of plasma or something hovering over Dave after he posts a tweet. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Latitude and Longitude of the Night" / The coordinates 45.36 N and 92.63 W = Dresser, Wisconsin. ••• desk chat: Dave definitely wants to book Jesus first. ••• Elizabeth Banks plugs Man on a Ledge. She's a lovely and fun guest, and she tells about some crazy stunts she had to do during filming. She knows all about sharks, too. ••• Tweet: @#HashTag! Late Sow question of the night: Whale Sharks? Are they bigger than your sister? [Hey... I didn't misspell Late Show. Daddy did, and I quoted.] ••• Seal sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.


1/17/12 [3613]: Alan has an audience announcement.

(Alan): "Attention Late Show audience members: If you are the owner of a metallic blue Dodge Caravan, license plate C0T 221, your car is in a loading zone. It will be towed away immediately."

(Dave): "Alan, what the heck is goin' on? Who are you talkin' about? What is all this?"

(Producer Brian Teta, as a civilian, is in a front-row aisle seat. He scampers out of the studio to rescue his vehicle.)

(Dave): "Now, Alan, what was that? What are you doin'?"

(Alan): "I just like to see that guy run!"

••• Last night was Republican debate #80. You have to have a gimmick, as was proven last night. / video: Rick Perry is speaking. He's talking about a states' rights issue, and with each phrase he utters, he knocks on the lectern with the knuckles of his right hand. Then he starts playing the lectern with his hands. We hear keyboard music. ••• Here's a Late Show exclusive: Mitt Romney's campaign jet. / animation: A pet carrier's strapped to the top of the fuselage. We hear a doggie barking. Dave says once Mitt strapped a dog carrier to the roof of his car enroute to Toronto. ••• [The next joke is that Mitt Romney said, "I did that with one of my wives." We'll see an edit of this mistake later on. The last time I recall this being done was with Pete Fatovich and Fran Cimino on March 25, 1987. (video clip) ] ••• Mitt Romney won't release his tax return. Dave claims he has an accountant buddy who helped him out. / "Surprises in Mitt Romney's Tax Return" / video:
(title graphic)

(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "Last year Mitt Romney earned $5,000 in residuals from a 1984 photoshoot he did for a J. C. Penney circular."

(Photoshop fun): We see Mitt in his white underpants (briefs) in the Penney's ad: "Men's full-cut briefs from Penney's offer great quality at a low price."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Surprises in Mitt Romney's Tax Return.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and Programming Note: "Ricky Gervais is a foreigner. Don't go nowhere." ••• desk chat: Dave blew the aforementioned dog carrier joke. He meant to say Newt Gingrich instead of Mitt Romney. He checks with Nancy Agostini at the producer's lectern to see if this can be fixed. He quiets the audience and says, "Newt Gingrich." ••• Here's a new segment: We'll see photos of items next to coins for size comparison. Paul Shaffer has a theme song:
Put coins next to objects
Take pictures of objects next to coins
Gives one added perspective
I'm feeling something stirring in my loin

OK... here we go with the pictures:

  • the world's smallest frog, the Paedophryne amauensis in Papua New Guinea, on a dime

  • a miniature porcelain Batman figurine, next to a penny

  • the burrow of an Oklahoma brown tarantula, next to a quarter

  • a tantalum capacitor, next to a penny

  • a petrified pine cone, next to a nickel

  • a print of an Alaskan wolf's paw, next to a quarter

  • carrot seeds, next to a penny

  • an ATI X1959XTX integrated circuit chip, next to a quarter

  • a blueberry, next to a nickel
••• Ricky Gervais plugs Life's Too Short. He hosted the Golden Globes this week. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Here we go: We see the edit of Dave's monologue joke, with Newt Gingrich substituted for Mitt Romney. Nice work! ••• Jessica Chastain plugs Coriolanus. ••• Kathleen Edwards sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/18/12 [3614]: [Sid McGinnis is not playing in the CBSO tonight. Michael Muller is substituting.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to two guys wearing ties. ••• We get the Old Sparky execution FX a couple of times. ••• In future debates, there will be a new way of signaling the candidate that his or her time is out. / video:

(clip from a debate)

(voice-over): "In past FOX News debates, candidates were cued to wrap up their answers with a doorbell chime, or a digital beep. During Monday night's debate, we employed a different method."

(Bret Baier): "We are going to try to not use any sound."

(voice-over): "Something more effective."

(FX): Mitt Romney's swept away by a huge ball on a chain.

(voice-over): "FOX News: Always thinking."

••• The Late Show's following Newt Gingrich closely. It looks like he has a new pet. / video: In South Carolina, his car drives by with an aquarium filled with fish strapped to the roof. ••• "Let's Watch Ron Paul Age" /
(aging countdown clock, with live picture)

(clock): 76 years, 4 months, 28 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes, 12 seconds

We watch for 14 seconds. Nothing much happens.

••• Mitt Romney hasn't released his tax return. Dave called his friend "Dan" at the IRS, who faxed it right over. / "Surprises in Mitt Romney's Tax Return" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "Last year Mitt Romney earned $38,000 for his role as the evil Dr. Kent Richardson on General Hospital."

(animation): A smiling Mitt suffocates a patient with a pillow.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Surprises in Mitt Romney's Tax Return.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a banana peel he found on the train ••• after commercial: Dave delivers a tie and Late Show sweatshirt to an audience guy who's just wearing a dress shirt. ••• desk chat: After consultation with family members and clergy, Dave will no longer participate in tweeting. He says he doesn't have the Twitter gene. He has a mere 151,797 people following him. Friday night will be the last tweet. ••• CNN uses holograms now in their election coverage. The Late Show will try it again tonight. Chad Connelly, South Carolina GOP chairman, will appear as a teeny hologram on Dave's desk.
(Dave): "Now, that's the same guy. That's not the guy. That's the wrong guy. This is the same guy we got last week. Al, is that you again? Al, I'm sorry. We had more trouble."

(Al): "Yeah, Al. What the hell do you want?"

(Dave): "Well, we were trying to get a hold of somebody, but it didn't work. I'm sorry."

(Al): "Yeah, well, no kidding. I was sitting here watching the history of the howitzer on The Military Channel, and all of a sudden I'm talking to Howdy Doody in a suit."

(Dave): "Right. Well... go ahead and make yourself comfortable there, Al. Now, listen, I sincerely apologize."

(Al): "No! I don't need an apology. You know... holy crap! Your voice is annoying!"

(Dave): "Well, I'm sorry. That's not very nice, by the way, Al."

(Al): "Well do me a favor, then. I'm out of chocolate milk."

(Dave, laughing)

(Al): "Can you be a pal and zap me over to Key Food?"

(Dave, laughing): "I don't think we can do that, Al, but thanks. You look great, and we'll talk to you soon, Al. OK?"

(Al): "When are you gonna get Angie Dickinson on the show?"

(Dave, laughing): "That's Al!"

••• Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky ••• desk chat: On Friday night, the Twitter machine is going out. ••• Marg Helgenberger plugs her final episode of C.S.I.: Crime Scene Investigation. ••• desk chat: Dave's told that we have three guys in the audience now with ties. ••• outside cam to Rupert (who's wearing a gray Late Show T-shirt) / Dave wants to know what the Hello Deli Soup of the Day is.
(Rupert): "Today's Hello Deli Soup of the Day is Mitt Romney Health Care Soup."

(Dave): "Oh really. Mitt Romney Health Care Soup? Now, what's in the Mitt Romney Health Care Soup, Rupert?"

(Rupert): "I don't know, but no one's buyin' it!"

(CBSO): fanfare

(Rupert): "Goodnight."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michael Fassbender plugs Shame. ••• Ellie Goulding sings. [Please... never again.] ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/19/12 [3615]: [Sid McGinnis is not playing in the CBSO tonight. Michael Muller is substituting.] ••• "Presidents and Disney World" / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(voice-over): "March 8, 1983: Ronald Reagan addresses math and science students during a visit to Epcot Center. February 21, 2005: During a visit to the Hall of Presidents, George W. Bush spends 45 minutes talking to his father, before realizing it was actually a robot."

(George W. Bush to Dad): "And, uh, I think you were takin' a nap."

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching."

(title graphic)

••• Dave has some fun campaign photos:
  1. Newt's seen squeezing an older woman's nose. (Dave says, "Honk, honk!")

  2. Bogus: Mitt Romney has a guy in a hammerlock.
••• [Marianne Gingrich, Newt Gingrich's ex-wife, went on ABC's Nightline earlier tonight. She confirmed that Newt had asked her for an open marriage, so he could hang out with his present wife, Callista, without getting a divorce.] / video:
(clip of Newt): "Uh, but I do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman..."

(editing fun): "and a woman, and a woman, and a woman, and a woman and a woman."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, do you like celebrity birthdays? Yeah, I do too..." ••• desk chat: Dave announces that there's only one night left of tweeting, and he's done with it. He hasn't made a cent from it, and almost no one answers his tweets. He has 153,907 followers. / Tweet: @#Hashtag. Why won't anyone tweet me? HONK, HONK!!! / Post-tweet FX: The lights dim, and a stagehand sprays CO2 behind Dave. ••• Rick Perry is dropping out of the GOP race. / "Rick Perry: A Look Back" / video:
(Academy Awards-type music)

  1. "The third agency of government I would... I would do away with: Education, uh, the, uh, Commerce... Commerce and, let's see. I can't. The third one... I can't. Sorry. Oops."

  2. "He's... uh... he's flippin' more than that, uh, great movie star, Flipper."

  3. "Is it the Mitt Romney that was on the side of... against the Second Amendment, before he was for the Second Amendment? Was it was before..."

  4. "...expand your tax footprint."

  5. dancing with rabbis in Austin

  6. playing his lectern with his knuckles and his hands
••• Top Ten Revelations in the Interview with Newt Gingrich's Ex-Wife ••• Tweet (referencing Newt): @#Hashtag! Newt Gingrich. Tie on a sack of potatoes! ••• Kathy Griffin plugs her new talk show on Bravo, Kathy. It premieres on April 10. During the course of her interview, she begins removing her black dress. Dave gives her clearance. He even helps with a hook, calling for pliers to expedite the exposure. Before long, she wriggles out of it enough so we see all of her bra. / FX: the Late Show "yes" bell ••• Simon Helberg plugs a fine CBS offering, Big Bang Theory. ••• Joseph Arthur sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/20/12 [3616]: [Sid McGinnis is not playing in the CBSO tonight. Michael Muller is substituting.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to one or more ladies from Brisbane. ••• Dave shows the "Harry Smith colonoscopy" video (the man and woman cave explorers) that was such a hit in March of 2010. ••• "MSNBC Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(MSNBC anchor Thomas Roberts): "So Garrett, we have that sound this morning from Mitt Romney, but what are the expectations of him after being grilled about it last night?"

(on the phone): Garrett Haake of ABC News: Not a word is intelligible.

(Thomas Roberts): "Unfortunately we're having some technical difficulties getting Garrett on the phone for us."

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

••• The gloves are coming off for political commercials now, and that includes all of the candidates. / video:
(photo): Mitt Romney in a plaid shirt and blue jeans

(voice-over): "Out on the campaign trail, you want the right look. The look that says, 'I'm on the campaign trail, pretending to be an average American.' The look that says, 'You and I both know I'm more comfortable in a suit.' Show voters you're a serious politician, with Regular Guy Jeans®."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Available at Caldor®."

••• Does Ron Paul still have it... the focus... the energy? / video: It's the GOP debate, or what used to be the GOP debate. It ended 48 hours earlier. Dr. Paul is still debating, and he's the last one left in the room. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
It's Dave's last night of tweeting from his command module. He doesn't like it. He doesn't have anything to say. He only has 153,981 followers. Tonight is it! By the way, Dave's planning to pawn his last few tweets. The staff put Dave up to this six weeks ago, saying they'd help him, but there hasn't been much help. / Tweet: @#HashTag. See you in Brisbane! / FX: dimming lights and CO2 behind the desk / (Some of Dave's final tweets were edited out.)
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thank you, Dave, and thank you, Bruce!"

(Bruce): "What are you thanking me for?"

(Linda): "Well, did you know that January is National Thank You Month? Tomorrow we'll be speaking with gratitude expert Doris Hewlett, who will teach us appreciation techniques, and even how to say thank you in other languages."

(Bruce): "Oh, like gracias. That'll be fun!"

(Linda): "Yeah!"

(Bruce): "Plus, it's that time of the year, Linda. Our Prettiest Poodles Contest starts tomorrow, and we have some dogged competitors, like Mitzi here."

(Bruce lifts Mitzi off his lap.)

(Linda): "Ohhh. Can I take her home? All that, plus gluten-free snacks, and a visit from the cast of Puppets! Puppets! Puppets!, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Bruce): "Back to you, Dave."

••• desk chat: Dave reminisces about fondue pots in the 1970s. ••• Top Ten Animals (with the noises each one makes) / #1: It's Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing on 11/27/08. (clip) ••• Dana Carvey interview / Dana has some cool impressions of current presidential candidates and, of course, Johnny Carson. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jon Fisch does stand-up. ••• Los Campesinos! sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Will this be Dave's last tweet? Stay tuned to the Late Show, on most of these same stations.

1/30/12 [3617]: [On Jan. 22, head writer Eric Stangel posted multiple tweets about NFL referee Ed Hochuli overexplaining the overtime rules during the NFC championship game.] / Alan Kalter's show intro tonight is, "And now, here to explain the NFL's overtime rules, David Letterman!" (See how that works?) ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Larry from Latvia. ••• "Nobody Cares" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(Sarah Palin): "My advice to Florida voters would be..."

(title graphic): "Nobody cares."

••• monologue: It's Dick "Kaboom" Cheney's 71st birthday, and Dave calls for the phony animation of his mechanical heart. The control room finds it. / video ••• "Late Show Earth-Shattering Election News" / video:
(title graphic and uplifting music)

(female news anchor): "Mitt Romney apparently has a weakness for Cool Whip®."

(title graphic)

••• "Newt Gingrich's Ideas for the Space Program" / video:
(title graphic)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Spend $20 billion to study the effects of zero gravity on double chins."

(music): Strauss's "Blue Danube," as in 2001: A Space Odyssey

(animation): Newt Gingrich drifting through space with his jowls flapping

(Alan): "Keep reaching for the stars, Newt!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and slowly-zooming-out graphic ••• desk chat:
  1. On Saturday, Dave and family were pleased to attend the Bar Mitzvah of Paul's son, William Wood Lee Shaffer, age 13.

  2. Dave's aggravated. He shouldn't say anything, but here goes! Dave claims the Late Show has a staffer in charge of calling Brad Pitt every day to be on the show. Fruit baskets are involved. Rental cars, computers and iPads® are offered. Nothing happens. Now Brad's booked on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Feb. 1. Dave thinks Angelina is behind this. The discussion goes on and on.

    Dave opens the TTL montage, then goes on with his theories about the non-booking of Brad Pitt:

    • Dave may have said something wrong when Angelina was on the show.

    • Brad's afraid of Dave.

    • Brad's worried that when he sits down, Dave will, in fact, be the cool one.
••• Top Ten Other Newt Gingrich "Big Ideas" ••• Jennifer Lopez plugs American Idol. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rob Schneider plugs Rob on CBS. ••• James McCartney sings. (He's Paul's kid.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with closing credits: a photo of Mr. Brad Pitt ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.]

1/31/12 [3618]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from the North Pole and his Polish girlfriend. ••• Dave had fun on Jan. 17 joking about Mitt Romney's dog strapped to the top of his car in a pet carrier, which brings us to "What's Mitt Romney's Dog Tied to Today?" / video:

(title graphic and peppy 1950s music)

(photo): a doggie tied to the apex of the St. Louis Arch

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "The St. Louis Arch!"

(title graphic)

••• Yesterday was Dick "Kaboom" Cheney's 71st birthday, so Will Lee reprises his Dick Cheney's Dungeon scream a few times, since Dave misread Tony's cue card on the first try. ••• "COOL/NOT COOL" is back! (We haven't seen it since 10/14/09.) / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): Barack Obama was at a fundraiser on Jan. 19, and he sang part of Rev. Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."

(graphic): "COOL"

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(clip): Mitt Romney, on the other hand, sings "America the Beautiful" off-key.

(graphic): "NOT COOL"

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Oh, boy... here we go again. Brad Pitt's going to be on The Daily Show on Feb. 2. Dave says a designated staffer's called Brad Pitt every day for 30 years. Nothing. Is Brad mad? Maybe. Dave shows a New York Daily News article from 3/18/2005 documenting his wisecrack about Angelina Jolie.
    "There's so many things I want to teach the kid," Letterman joked recently, "I can teach him fishing, how to lay down a bunt . . . how to fake his way through an interview with Angelina Jolie."

  2. Dave starts laying $20 bills on the desk. They're all for Brad, if he'll drop by.

  3. We're not done! There's an extra $20 for cab fare! Dave puts a total of $120 in an envelope, addresses it to Brad and tapes it to the front of his desk.
••• Dave opens the TTL montage. Alan Kalter, in a white Captain Stubing uniform, tells us the TTL is sponsored by the Italian Cruise Ship Industry. ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket •••
Our old friend, Bill Murray, comes out in a Giants football helmet and shoulder pads. Bill always comes with material, and he certainly doesn't let us down tonight, on this eve of the 30th anniversary of his appearance as the first-ever guest on Late Night with David Letterman episode #0001, on 2/01/82. Tom "Bones" Malone catches a bullseye of a pass from our guest. We see some awesome pro-am golf, with Bill's ball coming within about a foot from a hole-in-one. Bill has a cute wrapped present for Dave. Inside is a cupcake with 30 candles, which will all be ignited before we're finished. The last surprise is a blockbuster. A camera is sent to the lobby of the theater, where Biff Henderson unveils a huge portrait of Bill. Two bagpipe players add to the festivities. On it is a plaque:
Bill Murray
Dave's Favorite Guest
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Anyone know where they get gravel?" ••• outside cam: Bill's set to kick a field goal. Regis Philbin is outfitted as a referee, and Dave's the holder. Kick #1: Miss. Kick #2: Miss. Kick #3: Yes! ••• Girls' Generation sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.]

2/01/12 [3619]: 30th ANNIVERSARY SHOW!
monologue: "People say to me, 'Dave, why do you keep doin' it night after night? Why do you still do this, night after night?' And I'll tell you why. It's a simple reason: I've seen Regis in retirement." ••• Helping celebrate the big anniversary are beloved American celebrities. Here we go. "Celebrity Greetings for Our 30th Anniversary" / Barack Obama: "Happy anniversary, Dave, from me, the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama." ••• People wonder if Dave has any regrets after all these years. There's only one: the on-air colonoscopy. / It's the black-and-white clip of the man and woman exploring a cave with a torch. ••• "Celebrity Greetings for Our 30th Anniversary" / Justin Bieber: "You're my hero, Dave. Happy anniversary from me... teen singing sensation, Justin Bieber." ••• "Celebrity Greetings for Our 30th Anniversary" / George Clooney: "Hi, Dave, it's me... Hollywood movie star George Clooney. Happy anniversary, you sexy son of a bitch!" / (All of the celebrities' greetings were voiced over by Michael Z. McIntee, with his mellifluous voice.) ••• monologue: "I'll tell you one thing. Over the years... 30 years... I have put more people to sleep than Dr. Conrad Murray." ••• The people at CBS have been wonderful over the years. They put together a special congratulatory message. / video: "Way to go!" (The message lasted 1.1 seconds.) Dave calls for another look, just in case. Nope. Same deal. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "What was I doing 30 years ago? I was in a Mexican prison. Never mind why." ••• Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like to Say to Dave on His 30th Anniversary in Late Night (presented live) (starting year shown in parentheses) / Dave says, "If I get a communication from a staffer, it usually comes through a window, tied to a brick."

10. Jay Johnson (1988 / 24 years): "I stopped watching in '92."
9. Biff Henderson (1980 / 32 years): "One of these days, we'll figure out how to kill you and make it look like an accident."
8. Kathy Michalcik Mavrikakis (1985 / 27 years): "My therapist says I have Stockholm Syndrome."
7. Jude Brennan (1980 / 32 years): "I will not be berated this way -- go       yourself."
6. Will Lee (1982 / 30 years): "My family thinks I work at Walgreens."
5. Barbara Gaines (1980 / 32 years): "Thirty years -- we've never met."
4. Sue Hum (1984 / 28 years): "Hey grandpa, shove it up your ass."
3. Rob Burnett (1988 / 26 years): "You're incompetent."
2. Rick "Shecky" Scheckman (1982 / 30 years): "I've always loved you, now & forever." (blows a kiss)
1. Paul Shaffer (1982 / 30 years): "I got nothin' to say to that       ." (lips blurred because it was so naughty!)


Howard Stern visits with Dave in multiple segments. We see a photo of his first appearance, the time he came on in drag and photos of Howard's hot wife, Beth Ostrosky Stern. Howard proclaims his allegiance to Dave, announcing that he refuses appearances on the Tonight show, even though Dave shot that Super Bowl commercial with Big Jaw. Their relationships with Rosie O'Donnell are covered in depth. Dave awards Brad Pitt's $120 to Howard. Howard commandeers some airtime at the end to sincerely thank Dave for his work, and his personal support of him over the years.

Howard's going to be a panelist on America's Got Talent, so we have an installment of "Is This Anything?" to give him some practice. / The scrim rises. We see some masked loser bouncing around in a balloon-looking thing.
Dave: "It looks like a safe sex campaign."
Howard: "Horrible and nauseous."
Paul: "Nothing!"

••• The Airborne Toxic Event sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a 1st anniversary staff photo from Late Night ••• Craig Ferguson begins the Late Late Show by congratulating Dave. ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.]


2/02/12 [3620]: Tonight's audience shout out is to an attorney from Boonville, Indiana. ••• "Family Feud Highlight of the Night" / video:

(title graphic)

(Host Steve Harvey): "Name something an airline pilot might be holding during a long flight."

(contestant): "Microphone radio."

(Host Steve Harvey): "Number six."

(audience and game board): "His schlong."

(title graphic)

••• "Nobody Cares" / video:
(title graphic and uplifting music)

(Sarah Palin's quickly cut off, answering): "I've said for many weeks now, I want to..."

(title graphic)

••• "A Moment with Mitt Romney" / video:
(title graphic)

(Mitt, being interviewed while driving): "He focused on cap and trade, and card-check unionization, and paid scant attention to the fact that millions of Americans out of work..."

(animation): Mitt's dog, famously once transported on top of his car, appears at the driver's window.

(Mitt): "...home values collapsing, foreclosures at record levels... people here in Detroit..."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "See you next time on 'A Moment with Mitt Romney.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Newt Gingrich Sweetens the Pot": "Newt now claims his moon base will include a gift shop." ••• desk chat:
  1. Last night was the 30th anniversary show. Dave thanks CBS This Morning for their shout out.

  2. "In the beginning," Dave says, "There was something wrong with me." Dave claims he and Les Moonves had a fist fight a long time ago. It was a draw, but Dave needed nine stitches.

  3. This is nice. CBS keeps sending gifts. Dave picks up a repurposed wreath. It once read "Rest in peace, Jack LaLanne," and now says "Congratulations, Dave!"

  4. Brian Williams did a nice piece on Dave and his days with NBC.
••• "Mitt + Mustache" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney."

(Mitt sings "America the Beautiful.")

(voice-over): "+ a mustache ="

(clip): Robert Goulet, with a thin mustache, sings "God Bless America."

(doctored clip of Mitt with a mustache): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Top Ten Sound Effects (with clips of Matt Damon and Tom Hanks, Dave calling a kitty and Justin Stangel as the voice of a German grandmother) ••• Woody Harrelson plugs Rampart. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Dave's new Facebook page ••• Stephen Merchant plugs HBO's Life's Too Short. ••• Lana Del Rey sings. It was a very fine performance, and she's beautiful. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.]

2/03/12 [3621]: Tonight's audience shout out is to an optometrist from Albany. ••• Oops! Tony Mendez is missing his first cue card. He flips through the set to be sure it's not there. Dave asks if he wants to run upstairs and get it. Tony's off in a flash, and is back in 30 seconds. ••• monologue: "I'm not kiddin' you. Everybody in New York has got Super Bowl fever. You go over to St. Patrick's, and they've replaced the holy water with onion dip." ••• Dave's hometown, Indianapolis, will host the Super Bowl on Sunday, which brings us to "Get to Know Indianapolis, Indiana." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Get to know Indianapolis, Indiana. Founded in 1821. Population: 840,000. Notable Americans hailing from Indianapolis: Steve McQueen, Jane Pauley, Dan Quayle and Jared the Subway Guy. This has been 'Get to Know Indianapolis, Indiana.' "

(title graphic)

••• An escape tunnel is being built at the White House. It's still under construction, but we have video: That's right. It's the man and woman exploring a cave (the colonoscopy video). ••• [Barack Obama was at a fundraiser on Jan. 19, and he sang part of Rev. Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."] / "Presidential Talents: A Look Back" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Richard Nixon was the first President to deliver a State of the Union address with a ventriloquist's dummy."

(doctored clip of Nixon from 1/22/71)

(dummy speaking): "We remember that this nation launched itself as a loose confederation of separate states."

(voice-over): "This has been... aw, who cares?"

(title graphic)

••• It's the premiere of "Not Cool + Not Cool = Cool." / video:
(title graphic)

(Not Cool #1)

(voice-over): "Not cool: Kim Jong-Un."

(Not Cool #2)

(voice-over): " 'Stayin' Alive' "

(voice-over): "Cool: Kim Jong-Un + 'Stayin' Alive.' "

(clip): Kim Jong-Un walking down a hallway, supposedly dancing to the Bee Gees

(voice-over): "Stay cool, bros."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Bruce and Linda preview tomorrow's Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thank you, Dave. Bruce, do you like magic?"

(Bruce): "Abra cadabra. Of course!"

(Linda): "Well, we have a fascinating guest on our show tomorrow. Via the Internet from jail, a former close-up magician who turned to crime and became a pickpocket. It's quite a story."

(Bruce): "Wow! Hold onto your wallet! Now Linda, you and I have kept this secret for weeks, but joining us in the Weekend Workshop is none other than comedy legend Pat Cooper! Pat not only has a sharp wit. He's got a green thumb."

(Linda): "And, speaking of thumbs, we'll continue our fascinating series on hitchhiking!"

(Bruce): "All that, and 2012 Dr. Scholl's® college scholarship winner, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

••• desk chat: Dave's not going to watch one second of the pregame coverage. / Top Ten Super Bowl Fun Facts (with Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing) / interruption: After #4, Dave reaches under the desk and produces a cue card.


Tony has one of his rants in Spanish, then takes a powder. (The TTL is then finished.) ••• Michelle Williams plugs My Week with Marilyn. She was on Dawson's Creek, back in the day, with Katie Holmes. ••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" (starring receptionist Art Kelly, including a plug for Steak 'n Shake®) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up. ••• Ziggy Marley sings. ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.]

2/06/12 [3622]: "Super Bowl Highlight Simulation" / video:

(title graphic)

(animation): Stick men reenact the accidental touchdown by the Giants, where Ahmad Bradshaw fell on his back from the 1-foot line.

(play-by-play): "Second and goal. And Bradshaw... he wanted to stop, and he gets in the end zone."

(title graphic)

••• [Writer Bill Scheft tweeted earlier today, "From my 89-yr-old mom: 'The Pats were awful, Madonna was awful, the commercials were awful. I don't think there should be any more Super Bowls.' "] / Dave's monologue after seeing the accidental touchdown: "You know, when stuff like that happens, I think to myself, 'Maybe there should not be any more Super Bowls.' " ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip of Mitt Romney)

(voice-over): "From 1983 to 1985, Mitt Romney was the host of Love Connection."

(Love Connection contestant, talking to Mitt, green-screened in): "I mean her eyes, her lips, her nose and ears, her private parts... everything was so gorgeous."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: Dave wonders if he can vote for a man who ties his dog to the roof of his car. / doctored clip from 2/02/12 of Mitt's dog looking down from the car roof into the driver's window ••• "SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL << RECAP" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Sex. Sex. Wacky dog. Sex. Wacky dog. Wacky dog. Wacky baby. Wacky dog. Sex. Sex. Made me think I might be gay. Sex. Wacky Dog. Wacky Baby. Wacky monkey. Leno likes to steal stuff from fellow comedians."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "The Monkey of the Week is the Bolivian Red Howler. Stay here!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave gives a shout out to Eli Manning, who's on his way from Teterboro by helicopter. Apparently the winning Super Bowl players have to go to Disney World as soon as their celebration is over.

  2. It's the eighth year in a row that the Super Bowl MVP has come to the Late Show on the day after the big game.
••• The New York Post reports that Producer Brian Teta was responsible for booking Mr. Manning, as well as the last seven Super Bowl MVPs. ••• @Late_Show tweeted that Eli was receiving a police escort from the heliport. ••• Biff Henderson comes out to set up "Biff Henderson at Super Bowl XLVI." He gives a shout out to Indianapolis for really doing it right. The segment includes:
  • Giants fan from Glendale, AZ who had his head autographed by Biff at Super Bowl XLII, and gets it again
  • fans doing the Victor Cruz dance
  • Tracy Morgan and Alec Baldwin doing the Victor Cruz dance
  • Biff and Alec singing "Like a Virgin"
  • "Behind the Scenes with Biff Henderson"
    • Biff getting made up in a wig and mustache, like the NFL Network's Rich Eisen
    • Jon Hamm
    • Jeff Gordon
    • Al Roker
    • Maria Menounos
    • David Arquette
    • Brian Williams
    • Head Linesman Tom Stabile
    • NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
    • four fans with tummies that spell BIFF
    • Defensive End, #19 Justin Tuck
    • Defensive End, #72 Osi Umenyiora
    • Wide Receiver, #88 Hakeem Nicks
    • Tackle, #66 David Diehl
    • Biff kissing the trophy
    • Kicker, #9 Lawrence Tynes
    • shaking hands with Coach Tom Coughlin
    • dancing with Wide Receiver, #80 Victor Cruz
••• Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning ••• Sarah Michelle Gellar plugs Ringer. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Late Show Super Bowl Office Pool Winner of the Night": Paula Chagares ••• Die Antwoord sing. Their parents must be so proud. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [edited from tonight's show: Top Ten Things Overheard in the New England Patriots Locker Room After the Super Bowl] ••• [Michael Muller is still substituting for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/07/12 [3623]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady in the third row. ••• "New York Giants Victory Parade": It's hundreds of North Korean soldiers goose-stepping. ••• video: It's the Mitt Romney's dog-on-the-roof clip from 2/02/12. ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:

(title graphic)

(clips): Mitt Romney speaking

(voice-over): "To undo the negative publicity Mitt Romney received from tying his dog to the top of the car on a cross-country vacation, Mitt responded by tying the car to the top of his dog."

(animation): A white car swaying back and forth on the back of the doggie, with barking and honking FX

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Romney supposedly said that people who ride the subway are the elite. We have an ad, "The New York City Subway" / video from the New York MTA:
(voice-over by a stuffy gentleman with a British accent): "For your next sojourn, why not take a ride on the New York City Subway? Enjoy our free snacks,"

(photo): partially-eaten hot dog

(voice-over): "sample our free reading material,"

(photo): "EAT      " graffiti

(voice-over): "meet a fellow traveler"

(clip): passengers fighting

(voice-over): "and interact with exotic wildlife."

(clip): a rat crawling over a passenger

(voice-over): "The New York City Subway: Going your way."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a photo of the NFL Network's Rich Eisen, cut from Biff's Super Bowl segment yesterday ••• desk chat:
  1. We've watched Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning grow up before our eyes, much like Opie.

  2. We go to writer Joe Grossman on the 14th floor for an exciting development.
    (Dave): "Thank you very much, Joe, for helping us out on our 14th floor update. Joe, you're a reasonable man. You've been around the world. In your estimation, what is the problem on the 14th floor?"

    (Joe): "A rat died somewhere inside the walls. Nobody seems to be able to do anything about it. It stinks up here."

    (Dave): "Yeah, well that's very distressing. Thank you very much for the update, Joe. I appreciate that."

    (Joe): "I don't like working here."

    (Dave): "That's Joe Grossman, ladies and gentlemen, up on the 14th floor."

  3. Broadway around 53rd and 54th is Restaurant Row. We have Angelo's Pizza, Steak 'n Shake and Rupert Jee's Hello Deli. "There must be 1,500 to 2,000 delis in Manhattan alone, and Rupert Jee's Hello Deli is one of them." ••• There's a new neighbor, pie face, at 1691 Broadway (where the CBS Store was until 2010). / outside cam to pie face to meet Spiro
••• Dave opens the TTL montage, then goes to commercial. ••• Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don't Want (with a Justin Stangel voice-over as a German grandmother) ••• Denzel Washington plugs Safe House. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Spiro brings in the pies. ••• The Fray sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is still in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/08/12 [3624]: monologue: "Boy, did you see the Giants' victory parade yesterday? Did anybody see that? And today the Sanitation Department picked up 40 tons of confetti. Wow! Who knew that New York City had a Sanitation Department? I had no idea!" ••• (from last night): "New York Giants Victory Parade": It's hundreds of North Korean soldiers goose-stepping. They started way downtown, and ended up someplace in Midtown. / photo: Jeter's place! ••• Here's a clip of the parade: Whoa! You can just see Eli Manning's head (and the Super Bowl trophy) over all the fake confetti! ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:

(title graphic)

(clip): Mitt speaking somewhere

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney was born on March 12, 1947 with a full head of hair, a pressed shirt and pleated khakis."

(Photoshop fun): Mitt, as a newborn, with a full head of hair, a pressed shirt and pleated khakis

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• Yesterday was the annual White House Science Fair. We see the clip of the President of the United States with a kid who's slapped together a marshmallow cannon. / animation: He fires the cannon, and the marshmallow pops into Newt Gingrich's mouth! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Classic Joke Extended Remix": "Bangor? I hardly know her! However, I have had intimate relations with other Maine residents." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's on a quest to have the citizens of America properly pronounce February and Wimbledon.

  2. No one guessed the "Late Show Secret Mystery Word Phrase": "Somebody get Don Ho off me!" (The pot now increases to $10,000.)
••• We see more footage of the Giants' victory parade. Wait. What is this? David Letterman himself is upstairs in the office building, dropping junk out of the window to the sidewalk, including a TV. A helpful citizen on the sidewalk yells up to Dave, "The parade was yesterday, you ass     !" ••• Top Ten People We Wish Had Mustaches (with Photoshopped mustaches) / #1: It's Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing, with a mustache appearing immediately afterward. We can't fail to mention that Paul Shaffer also made the list with a humongous fake mustache, which he proudly continues to wear during tonight's taping. ••• Ryan Reynolds plugs Safe House. It's always good to have Van Wilder in the house. Ryan had interesting stories to tell us about working with the legendary Denzel Washington. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Ellie Kemper plugs The Office. ••• Dierks Bentley sings. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.] ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Dierks Bentley played Live on Letterman earlier tonight.]

2/09/12 [3625]: We've all learned about Tebowing. Tom Brady got a lot of coverage for moping around after the Super Bowl loss. That's right: sitting around with one's head down is now called Bradying. We see examples on the field, and at a beach. ••• Oh, no! Mitt Romney's singing again. In the video tonight, you can't even tell what he's singing. Thankfully, the clip doesn't last long. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from the Panhandle of Oklahoma. Hey! That's next to Kansas. ••• Mitt's singing again. ••• Now, this is much more fun: "Mitt + Mustache" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): Mitt singing "America the Beautiful"

(Chyron): "Mitt Romney"

(voice-over): "Plus a mustache."

(photo): a mustache

(voice-over): "="

(clip): Wayne Newton, with his usual mustache, singing "America the Beautiful"

(doctored clip of Mitt with a mustache): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave has a map of the central United States to show us the Panhandle of Oklahoma. Biff Henderson's in the guest chair, trying to figure out why he's there. Joyce, the audience lady from the Panhandle, has reportedly made 16 trips around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway track. Dave surprises Joyce with a trip around the block, escorted by Biff, who starts out running until Dave gives him the word that he can slow to a walk. Most of the trip is covered by various cameras.
••• Barack Obama is currently polling better versus potential Republican candidates, but you never know. Nothing is guaranteed. You'd better have a back-up plan, and the president's staff released said plan today. / video:
(music): Late Show theme song in the background

(FX): Barack Obama's sitting at Dave's desk.

(voice-over): "Coming soon to CBS: It's the Late Show with Barack Obama. Don't miss the exciting premiere, with Kid Scientists...

(clip of the kid with the marshmallow cannon at the White House this week)

(voice-over): "Stupid Pet Tricks..."

(clip of a Thanksgiving turkey being pardoned)

(clip of said turkey playing "Oh Susanna" on a harmonica)

(voice-over): "and a special Top Ten list with President-Elect Romney."

(clip): Mitt says, "I have absolutely no idea where my birth certificate is."

(voice-over): "The Late Show. Then catch "Panetta."

••• We check in with Biff and Joyce, somewhere along 54th Street or 8th Avenue. ••• after commercial: Biff and Joyce are running again... now on the home stretch on 53rd St. They zip into the side stage entrance to thunderous applause. Dave asks Biff to get Joyce some water. •••
Nicolas Cage plugs Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. It was shot in Romania and Turkey! Did you know that one time on a plane with Charlie Sheen, about 20 years ago, Nicolas took over the PA and announced that he was the pilot, wasn't feeling well, and was losing control of the aircraft. The plane was met by six police officers, and Mr. Cage somehow talked his way out of it.
••• CBS is broadcasting the Grammy Awards show on Sunday, so how about some promotion? Grammy nominees The Foo Fighters (Dave Grohl, Nate Mendel, Taylor Hawkins, Chris Shiflett and Pat Smear) present the Top Ten Interesting Facts About the Grammy Awards. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michelle Dockery plugs Downton Abbey on PBS. Paul and the CBSO play her on with Petula Clark's "Downtown." Michelle is really beautiful! Dave gets the lovely Michelle, a proper British lady, to look at the camera and say, "I fink U freeky, and I like you a lot." ••• The Kills sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/10/12 [3626]: No! It's Mitt Romney singing some unknown number again... twice. ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:

(title graphic and music)

(photo): IRS Form 1040

(voice-over): "According to his tax returns, Newt Gingrich earned $100 in 2008 for winning a Tyne Daly lookalike contest."

(clips, split-screen): Tyne and Newt

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• President Obama hosted the White House Science Fair on Feb. 7. A boy put together a marshmallow cannon, which you pump up with a bicycle pump. / CNN video: Something went sideways, and the first thing you know, Newt Gingrich's face balloons up, and eventually 'splodes. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Really looking forward to attending the Super Bowl this Sunday. I was surprised at how easy it was to get a hotel room in Indianapolis." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave tweaks the adjustment of the desk microphone.

  2. The Republican presidential nomination process is more like Circus Vargas than the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.

  3. Mitt Romney should do hard time for strapping his dog, Woofer, to the roof of the family Buick during a family trip. Dave tells a tale about Woofer urping as a result. Mitt hoses down the car and the dog!
••• "Candidates and Technology" / video:
(title graphic and inspiring music)

(voice-over): "Last week, President Obama participated in the first-ever completely virtual interview on the social networking site Google +."

(clips): Obama being interviewed

(voice-over): "This week, Ron Paul tried to send an e-mail through the toaster."

(FX): Fire!

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Candidates and Technology.' "

(title graphic)

••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and love is in the air! Bruce, have you ever tried Internet dating?"

(Bruce): "Well, I've tried it, but I've had better luck at Internet poker. And that cost me a fortune."

(Linda): "Well, we are going to go behind the scenes at a computer dating web site, and see what it takes to program a computer to make a perfect match."

(Bruce): "That's high tech! It's also makeover season, and makeovers aren't just for the gals anymore. Our style editor, Chloe Fiscoe, is going to change the looks of some of our very own staff."

(Linda): "Oh, will we see a spruced-up Bruce?"

(Bruce): "I'm not going to spoil the surprise! Plus... did you know that carnations and many other flowers are poisonous? You'll want to know which ones before buying that Valentine's bouquet."

(Linda): "Yikes! You're right. All that, plus the newly-crowned winner of the 2012 Fixodent® Sexiest Senior Competition, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show! Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda."

••• Top Ten Ways to Describe Gravy ••• desk chat:
  1. Paul was just playing a melodica.

  2. Dave grabs a fake microphone and reenacts Nicolas Cage's stunt from 20 years ago, when he got on the plane's PA and announced that he was the pilot, he wasn't feeling well and was losing control of the aircraft. •••
••• David Spade does stand-up. He'll be at the Venetian Showroom in Las Vegas throughout the year. ••• Dave Spade interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Michael Z. McIntee shows up by the backdrop, as Biz Stone of Twitter, Inc. Here's the exchange:
(Paul): "There's a guy behind you, standing over your left shoulder."

(Dave): "Hi. Can I help you? Who are you?"

(Biz): "Hi, Dave. I'm Biz Stone, the co-founder and creator of Twitter®."

(Dave): "Well, that puts me in an awkward position, because I know Biz Stone, and you don't look anything like Biz Stone."

(Biz): "And on behalf of all of us at Twitter®, I, Biz Stone, am proud to name you Tweeter of the Decade."

(Dave): "Tweeter of the Decade? Wow! Thank you. But I don't... I kind of... I don't really... I quit tweeting, because I don't really get it."

(Biz): "And now, let's take a fond look back at some of your outstanding tweeting."

"Dave Letterman: tweeter of the decade"

(We see Dave struggling to type on the Twitter Machine.)

(Biz): "Dave Letterman, for your immeasurable contribution to the Twitter community, please accept this oversize check for $20,000."

(Dave): "OK. I don't, I don't understand this."

(Biz): "Well, I've got to be going now. Goodnight, everybody."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Thank you, Biz."

(Biz): "And I'll be seeing YOU on the Twitter!"

(CBSO): "Rockin' Robin"

••• Betty Wright sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/13/12 [3627]: video: Mitt Romney singing ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "During the 1980 actors' strike, Mitt Romney briefly replaced Robert Wagner on Hart to Hart."

(audio): We hear someone singing.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• Did you see Mitt at the Grammys last night? / video: It's the same clip of Mitt singing. ••• Rick Santorum is the hot Republican candidate right now. / "Rick Santorum: Tellin' It Like It Is" / video:
(title graphic and jazzy music)

(Santorum, speaking somewhere): "We're not going to win this election, ladies and gentlemen..."

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Romney singing at the Westminster Kennel Club the other night. / video: the same clip ••• video: monkeys riding dogs ••• "Breeds Not Favored to Win the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "The Centipug."

(Photoshop fun): It's the ultimate wiener dog, with at least eight pairs of legs.

(voice-over): "And now, back to television host David Letterman."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Genius should be outlawed in this country. Oprah started the OWN network. Yesterday she tweeted to people watching the Grammys that if they were a Nielsen family, they should switch over to the Oprah Winfrey Network.

  2. Adele Adkins won six Grammys last night, and performed for the first time after throat surgery in November. Dave calls her. It goes something like this:
    (Adele will be played by security chief Bill DeLace.)

    (Adele): "Y'ello."

    (Dave): "Hello, Adele? Hi, it's Dave Letterman. I just called to see how you're feeling. How're ya' doin'?"

    (Adele): "I've got a little heartburn from that calzone I had the other night."

    (Dave): "Yeah. And how is your throat? It's none of my business, but on the phone here, you sound a little raspy."

    (Adele): "Well, I hit the booze pretty hard last night, too."

    (Dave): "Well, now, Adele, should you be drinking? I know you're probably celebrating, but is that the kind of thing you should be doing... is having a lot of whiskey, Adele?"

    (Adele): "Who the hell is Adele? This is your security guy, Bill DeLace!"

    (Dave): "Bill? Bill, I'm sorry. I thought I dialed Adele."

    (Adele): "You've gotta dial 9 to get out of the building, you jackass!"

••• Ten Sports Illustrated models present the Top Ten Reasons This Year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Is the Best One Ever." / Julie Henderson, Jessica Gomes, Ariel Meredith, Alyssa Miller, Chrissy Teigen: #6: "Every subscriber gets a personal visit from the 10 of us." / Michael Z. McIntee voice-over: "UNCONFIRMED", Genevieve Morton, Izabel Goulart, Jessica Perez, Kate Upton and Irina Shayk ••• outside cam: We see the covered billboard of the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover, high above Broadway, near 53rd St. / Dave wonders why we can't unveil it now. Nancy Agostini says, "The girls aren't ready." / We go to the green room, where the girls are waiting. Dave calls for the girls who weren't selected to tear up the room. / outside cam: We see Kate Upton on the billboard. ••• Reese Witherspoon plugs This Means War. ••• Act 5: live shot of Kate Upton outside, below her billboard ••• Michael Weatherly plugs NCIS. ••• Kasabian sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/14/12 [3628]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Denver. ••• monologue: "Valentine's Day is named after St. Valentine. Groundhog Day is named after St. Groundhog." ••• The Walking Dead on AMC has a special Valentine's Day show. / video:

(clips of zombies)

(voice-over): "On the next episode of AMC's The Walking Dead, Rick, Hershel and Glenn fight to survive against a menacing new foe, and love is in the air on Valentine's Day."

(clip): two zombies getting all mushy

(music): Lionel Richie's "Hello"

(voice-over): "The Walking Dead."

••• "Everything's Better with Romantic Music" / video:
(title graphic)

(music): Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack with "Tonight I Celebrate My Love"

(clip): A fat person jumps off a dock into a pond.

(title graphic)

••• The Late Show has unveiled the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover for several years. Tonight it's a different magazine, and outside we go for a look:
(to Broadway and 53rd)

The magazine cover is Modern Railroad Hobbyist, with Irv Lubis, Model Railroader of the Year. He's wearing his overalls and engineer cap, by the way.

••• Mitt Romney singing (again). ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror."

(sexy music)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "Rick Santorum is running against Mitt Romney, and it's interesting and well, you decide. They're both... Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum... against gay marriage. Really? Against gay marriage? Now, I'll tell ya, the problem with this is, they'd make such a cute couple." ••• CNN took a look at the music the GOP candidates are played onstage to on campaign stops.
("Road to 2012" graphic)

(Candy Crowley voice-over): "A look at the tunes selected by the candidates to accompany their comings and goings on the stage. First up: Mitt Romney. Kid Rock's 'Run Free.' Rick Santorum shakes hands to the tune of Toby Keith's 'Made in America.' And listening up at a Gingrich event, you will hear..."

("Baby Bumble Bee")

(clip of Newt waddling onstage)

(doctored graphic): "Merrie Melodies" cartoon theme song with "More CNN after these messages!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a Downton Abbey Spoiler ••• desk chat:
  1. It's believed that armadillos carry the bacterium Mycobacterium leprae, which causes leprosy. Dave reenacts his time with Regina and Harry, pleading with them to not touch armadillos. How about Jack Hanna setting armadillos on Dave's desk in 2005 and 2011? Uh oh.

  2. Dave has a bowl of Valentine's candy hearts, with those poorly-printed messages, as follows:
    • MISS YOU
    • DIE
    • PRE NUP?
    • U + ME + YOUR SISTER
    • DO NOT EAT

  3. Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson is in the audience as Scott from Minneapolis. He asks for some air time to propose to Lori. He has a touching message for her. "Scott" drops to a knee to show the ring and propose. Then "Scott" notifies Rebecca that if Lori says yes, she has to be out of the apartment by Thursday.
••• Top Ten Signs Your Valentine Hates You ••• Oscar nominee Viola Davis plugs The Help. ••• interruption: Kathy Mavrikakis delivers Dave's "go bag," in case of an emergency. It's a plastic bag with a styrofoam cup, a plastic spoon and a piece of hard candy. No water. No flashlight. No food. "Good luck," Kathy says, "You're gonna need it." ••• Kate Upton, 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model ••• We see Producer Brian Teta in the green room, as Kate Upton's boyfriend. For once he didn't take off running! ••• Mark Ronson with Erykah Badu, the Dap Kings and Zigaboo Modeliste sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/15/12 [3629]: [Dave's tie is a bit too short tonight.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out has something to do with pencils. A lady was seen with a handful of Late Show pencils later in the telecast. ••• [Jeremy Lin of Harvard has been made the starting point guard for the Knicks. He won the game last night vs. Toronto.] ••• "New York Knicks Simulated Highlight" / It's animated stick men basketball players! ••• Mitt Romney singing clip ••• There was a segment last night, "Road to 2012," with GOP candidates' play-on music. Tonight we see Newt Gingrich's again, "Baby Bumble Bee." ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / Tonight: Ron Paul / video:

(title graphic and music)

(voice-over): "Before he entered politics, Ron Paul appeared in over 50 Westerns."

(clip of Gabby Hayes in an old Western): "This is an outrage... a dadddddburned outrage!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Gleaming Bald Head of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and cutesy music)

(clip from the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show): William F. Potter, of St. Louis, a terrier group judge

(title graphic and cutesy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Children are frightened by Dave's face on the screen. Dave points out some kind of white light on the stage floor that supposedly will reduce their fear.

  2. On Monday we saw the Kate Upton Sports Illustrated cover billboard unveiled. On Tuesday we saw Modern Railroad Hobbyist, with Irv Lubis. We go out to Broadway for tonight's unveiling. The cover comes down, and we see video of Graphic Art Director Chris Dimino. He apologizes, as tonight's billboard of Newt Gingrich on Double Chin Magazine isn't ready.
••• People are crazy over the Knicks' new point guard, Jeremy Lin. / Top Ten Worst Jeremy Lin Puns ••• Jon Stewart plugs The Daily Show. I didn't catch a single mention of tweeting. ••• interruption: Dave tries to tell us something, but what is that horn? We shouldn't have to ask, should we? It's Alan Kalter, hoping to promote his latest enterprise: Alan Kalter's Same Sex Wedding Chapel. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Political Humor for Nine Year Olds" ••• Stephanie Teteak, 2012 National Grocery Bagging Champion, competes with Dave. She's from Larry's Piggly Wiggly in Appleton, Wisconsin. Her time comes in at 00:39. Dave almost ties her, thanks to two completed bags lowered from the rafters while Stephanie's busily at work. ••• Yelawolf with Kid Rock ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/16/12 [3630]: You'll never guess how tonight's telecast begins. GOP candidate Mitt Romney is singing in a foreign language for the sixth night in a row. ••• "People Who Are Not Mitt Romney" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "The late Charlie Callas."

(Charlie Callas clip): He's pretending to talk on a phone, and making a goose honk.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'People Who Are Not Mitt Romney.' "

(title graphic)

••• In case you missed it the last couple of nights, we have Newt Gingrich's play-on music for campaign stops. / video: "Baby Bumble Bee" ••• more Charlie Callas ••• Charlie Callas / Mitt Romney split screen ••• Alan Kalter wtih Big Show Highlights, and belated congratulations to the state of Oklahoma on their statehood in 1907 ••• desk chat:
  1. On Monday we revealed the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model on the billboard over Broadway at 53rd St. There's yet another new billboard tonight. Anton begins a drum roll. Stagehands begin to pull off the cover. Oops. The cover was fastened on too tight. The entire billboard falls onto Broadway. Honking begins. (No, not Charlie Callas.)

  2. Michele Bachmann is no longer in the presidential race. What's next for her? / CNN carried an announcement earlier today. / video:
    (clip): Michele Bachmann speaking

    (voice-over): "Michele Bachmann has just announced that she will not be a contestant on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Instead, Michele plans to look after the children while her husband, Marcus, makes his debut on the NBC hit show, Smash."

    (music): The Weather Girls and Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men"

    (voice-over): "CNN will return after these messages."

  3. Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney are running neck-and-neck in Michigan. Santorum hired a Mitt look-alike to appear in a mudslinging campaign ad, toting a machine gun. (This really happened.) / video

  4. Dave takes a look at something odd on the "CNN" clip of Marcus Bachmann.
••• Top Ten Questions on the Application to Become a Mitt Romney Look-Alike ••• Joan Rivers plugs Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?. ••• The Late Show has been experimenting with putting tiny holographic images of various personalities on Dave's desktop. Tonight, to answer some questions about Santorum's negative ad about Mitt Romney, we have Hogan Gidley, a spokesperson for the Santorum campaign. Here's the transcript of Mr. Gidley's appearance:
(The image appears. It's a middle-aged guy in a recliner, opening a can.)

(Dave): "Now, that's that guy. That's not Hogan Gidley. We've contacted this guy. Al, is that you?"

(not Hogan): "Al?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(not Hogan): "Will you leave me the hell alone already?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry, Al. We were trying to contact Hogan Gidley from the Santorum campaign."

(not Hogan): "I don't him."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(not Hogan): "You know, every time you zap me over the, uh, airwaves..."

(Dave): "Right."

(not Hogan): "...it makes my lungs vibrate like a belt sander!"

(Dave): "Ha ha."

(not Hogan): "It takes half a case of Budweiser to make it go away."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, now Al, I'm so sorry about this. By the way, I notice you're wearing a tie. What's that all about?"

(not Hogan): "Well, I figured you jackasses would accidentally put me on national TV again. I wanted to look my best."

(Dave): "Well, yes. You certainly... I would have to say that you do look your best. You couldn't look any better. Let's put it that way."

(not Hogan): "Put it that way. Alright. Are we done here? I mean, Rio Bravo is on AMC, and I don't wanna miss the part where Stumpy goes nuts with the dynamite."

(Dave): "Right. OK. We are done, Al, and thank you for your patience. And once again, I'm terribly sorry."

(not Hogan): "Oh... when are you gonna have Lana Turner on the show?"

(Dave): "She's not gonna be on, Al."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Andrew Lincoln plugs The Walking Dead. His real name is Andrew Clutterbuck. He claimed he's from Kansas, but England would be closer to the truth. ••• Jason Mraz sings. A female accompanies him by banging some kind of kitchen tool on a box. Seriously. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/17/12 [3631]: Tonight we see a brand new Late Show feature: the "Jeremy Lin Pun Generator." The Harvard grad is quite the sensation for the Knicks. / video:

The high-tech device goes to work. Pun options flash by. It's "Lin-credible Hulk." How about another? "Hal Lin-den." So there you have it.
••• Dave has an impression of himself on his weekend. He goes through the usual preparations as he turns away and gets into character, then gives us, "One senior for Ghost Rider, please." ••• audience shout out: A guy in the audience is not telling the truth about where he's from. When questioned he answered, "Indymontana." ••• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been stirring up all kinds of trouble playing around with nuclear weapons.
(clip): We see the rascal meeting with a group of scientists on PRESS TV.

(voice-over, with Arabic accent): "Mr. President, after months of work, behold the latest advancement in Iranian technology."

(clip, continued): A white object is uncovered by the scientists, all in white lab coats. It's a humongous submarine sandwich.

(Ahmadinejad): "Oh, wonderful! Is there mayonnaise? I'm allergic to mayonnaise."

••• Dave says it's Presidents' Weekend. Want proof? The four gents on Mount Rushmore are all wearing birthday party hats. ••• "Get to Know the Candidates":
(voice-over): "Mitt Romney's hair is attached every morning in his secret grooming chamber."

(animation): We hear John Williams' Star Wars music. A smiling, bald Governor Romney is seated, as a device lowers his hair into place. It's the same contraption that put on Darth Vader's black helmet.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

••• Back with no popular demand... for the seventh consecutive night, it's Mitt Romney singing in a foreign language. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm not leaving Wolf Blitzer anything in my will. He knows why." ••• desk chat:
  1. The Late Show is far ahead of other shows in cutting edge technology. The control room runs a clip of an unusual effect we saw as Dave introduced the CBSO before commercials. It's a ghostly Dave sliding aside, leaving multiple images of himself. Cool. Dave says, "That was fweaky." Paul likes it a lot. Dave says it reminds of after having stuffed mushrooms in the CBS commissary.

  2. Jeremy Lin's in the news big-time this month. As Bill Scheft told Dave, "New York City is a better place when the Knicks are playin' good ball." There's no more of the old saying, "Hey, you've gotta go to the Cat Show at Madison Square Garden." "No! If I wanna see pussies at the Garden, I'll go see the Knicks!" Now the question becomes when Jeremy Lin will appear on the Late Show. Today Dave had a breakthrough. One of his buddies gave him the private home phone number of Loretta Lynn.

  3. It's time to check in with Bruce and Linda for a preview of the Weekend Late Show. / video:
    (Linda): "Thanks, Dave. I hope you're looking forward to Presidents' Day weekend as much as we are."

    (Bruce): "Hail to the chief! In honor of the holiday, we're gonna sit down with the curator of the Presidential Pet Museum, and learn about some of the furriest occupants of the White House. For example, did you know that Calvin Coolidge raised raccoons?"

    (Linda): "No! That's fascinating! February also happens to be Internet Scam Awareness Month, and our computer guru, Nate Hardcastle, will tell us how to avoid the sharks while we surf the Web."

    (Bruce): "I've been ripped off online myself. It can happen to anyone. Plus, how much is too much to spend for a coffeemaker? We'll look at the state-of-the-art ways to brew the perfect cup of Joe."

    (Linda): "I love coffee. Mmm. Hazelnut! All that, plus indoor gardening tips, our weekly Coupon Corner and the latest school closings. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

    (Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda, hosts of the Weekend Late Show."

  4. Dave's just developed a new special effect. He draws our attention to the desk microphone. It tilts up and down. Dave must have taped the cable to his right foot while we were watching Bruce and Linda. (Paul plays Swami music, by the way.) Dave would like to see Jay "Big Chin" Leno do that.

  5. Don't handle armadillos. They'll give you leprosy.
••• Top Ten Messages Left on Shakira's Voicemail ••• Kristen Wiig plugs Bridesmaids, now out on DVD. She's nominated for an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. ••• After commercials: Dave forgot to show some pictures of Kristen. ••• interrruption: Pat Farmer shows up. He asks Dave to check the script, to see if he was supposed to interrupt him tonight. Dave doesn't keep the script at the desk. He uses Michael Z. McIntee's blue cards. Nope. Pat wasn't supposed to interrupt. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mike Berbiglia does stand-up. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• partial credits ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis again.] ••• [Andy Snitzer is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/20/12 [3632]: [Presidents' Day humor tonight] ••• [Hollywood, 1927: As silent movie star George Valentin wonders if the arrival of talking pictures will cause him to fade into oblivion, he sparks with Peppy Miller, a young dancer set for a big break.] / "If Other Films Were Made Like The Artist" / video:

(title graphic and jazz music)

(voice-over): "Tonight's installment: Alien."

(clip and "In the Mood"): Mental institution staff, dressed in white, work on someone who has an alien breaking out of his chest.

(caption): "Kane's not feeling well."

(caption): "Gasp!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'If Other Films Were Made Like The Artist.' "

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Romney's not polling well in his home state of Michigan. Rick Santorum is saying he's not Mitt Romney. / "People Who Are Not Mitt Romney" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "The late Charlie Callas."

(clip): Charlie Callas doing stand-up, being weird (thanks to some extra help from editing)


(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'People Who Are Not Mitt Romney.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Senator Harry Reid Presents Three-Digit Numbers" / video:
(title graphic, and the theme from Patton)

(the Senator on C-SPAN2): "258, 259, 261, 262, 263, 264, 338, 339, 340, 344, 345, 346, 403..."

(title graphic, and the theme from Patton)

••• more from Harry Reid / video:
(the Senator on C-SPAN2): "456, 493, 494, 495, 496, 499, 500, 501..."
•••"Our Presidents: A Look Back" / video:
(rapid-fire presidential photos, with voice-overs)

George Washington / "First guy."
John Adams / "Second guy."
Thomas Jefferson / "Guy on nickel."
group of four: James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson / "Don't know."
group of eight: Martin Van Buren, etc. / "Don't know."
William Henry Harrison / "Don't know."
Abraham Lincoln / "Big hat guy."
Andrew Johnson / "Loser."
Ulysses S. Grant / "Fat, hairy guy."
Rutherford B. Hayes / "Fatter, hairier guy."
group of six / "Don't know."
Robin Williams as Teddy Roosevelt / "Night at the Museum guy."
Grover Cleveland / "Fattest guy."
group of four / "More losers."
Franklin D. Roosevelt / "Guy your grandparents won't shut up about."
Harry Truman / "Guy who looks like your pharmacist."
Dwight D. Eisenhower / "Bald guy."
John F. Kennedy / "Funny accent guy."
Lyndon B. Johnson / "Creepy guy."
Richard M. Nixon / "Crook."
Gerald Ford / "What's-his-name."
Jimmy Carter / "Wuss."
Ronald W. Reagan / "Old guy."
George H. W. Bush / "Second-to-worst Bush."
Bill Clinton / "Hilarious guy."
George W. Bush / "More hilarious guy."
Barack Obama / "Kenyan socialist."

(title graphic and music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Happy Presidents' Day!

  2. How many presidents have we met? (on the show or elsewhere, before, during or after office): Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, George Bush, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush

  3. Barbara Bush is on the Quaker Oats® box.

  4. We go live to Biff Henderson at Grant's Tomb, to see if we'll have six more weeks of winter.

  5. Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. Paul interrupts to ask what's on the back of Dave's jacket. It's embroidery: LIN 17 (for Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin).
••• Top Ten Memorable Presidential Moments (all from the Late Show): 10: Obama animated smoking 9. animated Abraham Lincoln kicks a general. 8. George W. Bush beard of bees 7. Gerald Ford collides with an animated bird. 6. Richard Nixon, ventriloquist 5. Barack Obama with some chaw 4. Thomas Jefferson, on Mount Rushmore, eats a guy. 3. Jimmy Carter in a party hat 2. George H. W. Bush at a CeeLo concert 1. George W. Bush celebrates Hannukah (fire) ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has a honey badger, an armadillo, a vulture, Asian river otters and a joey. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jack Hanna finishes with an amazing jaguar. (Dave had a big funny: Jack said, "Don't go runnin' from me," and Dave said, "You don't have to outrun the cat. You just have to outrun you!") ••• Jesse Tyler Ferguson plugs Modern Family. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/21/12 [3633]: Archbishop Timothy Dolan was made a cardinal on Saturday, and we have video from the Vatican. Instead of the usual three-pointed red hat, he gets an awesome sombrero from Pope Benedict XVI. ••• "Michael Moore Telling Life Like It Is" / video:

(title graphic)

(Michael Moore on MSNBC): "Uh, I think that, um... I that Romney, ummm. I, I, I think the people just, umm, this is... Here's what I want to say."

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Romney singing in a foreign language, yet again ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "From 1980 to 1984, Mitt Romney played wealthy tycoon Victor Newman on The Young and the Restless."

(Photoshop fun): Mitt with Eric Braeden's character's big mustache

(unintelligible clip, that wasn't the joke, anyway)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Get to Know the Guy Behind Get to Know the Candidates" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip of video editing in progress)

(voice-over): "Late Show editor Dan Baggio spends 10 hours a day watching footage of the GOP candidates for the 'Get to Know the Candidates' segment."

(Daniel Baggio): "I hate my life."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Guy Behind Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Tonight's Featured Show Size": Men's 10½ ••• "The Story of the Late Show Top Ten List" / video:
(title graphic)

(clips of staffers as amused home viewers, including Kathy Mavrikakis and Chris Dimino)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "The Top Ten List: A familiar part of the Late Show for many years. But how is this comedy classic created each day?"

(Joe Grossman, at his desk, then headed to the mechanical room downstairs)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "First thing in the morning, the writers get the assignment to work on Top Ten topics. Because Dave is very busy, the topic is selected by the building engineer, George Clarke."

(clip of Joe consulting with George, who's eating in the mechanical room, with rats everywhere)

(George, with his mouth full): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's a good one!"

(Joe turns to go upstairs.)

(George): "Hey, Joe. You want to rassle?" (I know how to spell wrestle, but that's not what George said.)

(clip): The two gentlemen go at it.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Next, the writers brainstorm possible jokes."

(clip): retirement-age people at work in a conference room

(man): "How about something with President Truman?"

(lady): "How about the Kardashians?"

(another man): "Dobie Gillis!"

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "This generally yields nothing useable. Now, the real work begins."

(Joe, at noon, in his office, looking at Howie Mandel's tweets)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Some jokes are stolen from people on Twitter."

(clip of a man in Thiruvananthapuram, India, 1 P.M.)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Other jokes are purchased from underpaid comedy writers in India."

(clip): Joe, at 3 P.M.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Three o'clock: Time for Dave to review the jokes."

(clip): Joe, with Dave's kitty

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "If Dave's unavailable, Dave's kitty makes the cuts."

(clip): We see the kitty's paw, scratching through everything. Then we see Joe with the props guy.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "The props guy, holding the fake cat paw, makes more cuts."

(clip): Joe releases a little kangaroo. It runs all over the place.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "The staff's kangaroo is dispatched to run jokes back and forth between the writers and Dave."

(clip): Joe, in the Ed Sullivan Theater lobby

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Half an hour 'til the show, and the writers need more jokes. Luckily the prisoners bussed in to fill out the audience usually have some zingers."

(clip): A prisoner in a bright orange jumpsuit takes a shank to Joe's abdomen, near his spleen. Blood shoots everywhere. Joe winces a bit.

(clip): Dave, in the familiar pose, holds up a blue card with his right hand.

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Showtime, and it's another classic Top Ten!"

(Dave): "...and the number one Thing: clams."

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "And that's the story of the Top Ten List."

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney ••• Alec Baldwin plugs 30 Rock. Once again we're reminded that he's one of Dave's all-time best guests. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Consumer Fraud Alert": "Beware of AT&T. Despite their name, they no longer offer telegraph service." ••• After commercial: Dave's eating a Hershey® bar. It ties in with Alec's announcement that he's avoiding sugar. ••• "Ask Rick Santorum's Sweater Vest"
(title graphic)

(The scrim rises. We see a sweater vest.)

(CBSO): Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4"

(Dave, still chewing Hershey bar): "OK. The Santorum campaign has made one of Governor Santorum's signature sweater vests available to us, and we have a few audience questions for it tonight."

(Dave): "This first one comes from Jeff Dornitz of Stamford, Connecticut: 'Can Rick Santorum really beat Mitt Romney in his home state of Michigan?' That's the first question for the sweater vest."

(sweater vest): no answer

(Dave): "OK. Let's go on to, uh... This is from Luisa Mosely of Brooklyn: 'If Senator Santorum is the Republican nominee, will he have to move to the center in order to beat Obama?' Oh, that's a good question. Let's ask the sweater vest."

(sweater vest): no answer

(audience giggling)

(Dave, still chewing on Hershey): "OK. It's occurring to me that expecting a sweater vest to answer a bunch of questions is, perhaps, a waste of time. But, let's try one more. This is from Seth Bennett of Albany: 'I've just adopted a male kitten. Does the sweater vest have any suggestions for a name?' "

(Bill DeLace as the voice of the sweater vest): "Mr. Jingles."

(Dave): "OK. Let's quit while we're ahead. Rick Santorum's sweater vest, ladies and gentlemen."

(title graphic)

••• Eric Hutchinson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Joe Grossman and George Clarke rasslin' ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/22/12 [3634]: Dave gives a shout out in German to an audience lady from Austria, "Danke schoen, mein fraulein." ••• The Yankees are in Florida for spring training, and we have an exclusive photo of the place where they stay. No, wait... that's the dump in Pakistan where Osama was shot. ••• Now hubby gets a German shout out, something "mein herr." ••• Something very strange happened in Trenton, New Jersey today. / video:

(Governor Chris Christie speaking): "...whether or not to redefine hundreds of years of societal..."

(FX): The governor lifts up his jacket and shirt, exposing his bare chest.

(Governor Christie continues): "...and religious traditions should not be decided (unintelligible)."

(FX): Audience members start throwing beads at the governor after he flashes them.

••• Dave calls for a replay of the governor's clip. ••• [On Feb. 21, Barack Obama sang a duet of "Sweet Home Chicago" with B.B. King in the East Room of the White House.] / video ••• Mitt Romney, singing in a foreign language, for the umpteenth time ••• Last night Ron Paul wowed fundraiser audience members with this. / video:
(It's Shecky's age-old clip of a geezer with that clapper thing.)
••• video: Chris Christie again ••• "Get to Know the Candidates" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(photo): a younger Ron Paul, M.D.

(voice-over): "Ron Paul would be the first U.S. president with a medical degree,"

(photo): President Harrison

voice-over): "although Benjamin Harrison enjoyed dressing up as a nurse."

(Photoshop fun): President Harrison dressed up as a nurse

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Candidates.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Dave stops talking for a moment. Paul asks if he's OK. Dave walks to the back of the audience, to a fire hose cabinet. Now, who did that? Instead of FIRE HOSE, a wise guy used gaffer's tape to change it to FIRE HOST. Dave fixes the problem and returns to his mark. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• After commercial: Biff's next to Dave at his command module. Dave sends Biff into the audience with a platter of Vienna sausage for the lady from Austria. ••• [On Feb. 20, NASA helped Sen. John Glenn celebrate the 50th anniversary of his three orbits around the earth. The Late Show has its own tribute. / video:
(title graphic): "The Late Show Salutes the First Man in Orbit"

(clip from Norbit): We see Eddie Murphy as Norbit (and the enormously fat Rasputia): "I know we're both nervous because we've never done it before, but you've got to give it time, darling. It takes time."

(The hideously fat Rasputia appears in a nightgown. Norbit screams. One second later, the hideously fat Rasputia lands on top of Norbit in their bed.)

(Dave): "That's not... Hold it. Hold it. That's not right. What's the guy's name... Steve? The kid in Videotape?" Steve?"

(Cut to Steve Hostomsky in the editing room.)

(Dave): "That was the wrong tape! That was supposed to be John Glenn, the first man in orbit. Now, what the hell is goin' on?"

(Steve): "Oh, I thought you said 'the first man in Norbit, the hilarious Eddie Murphy movie."

(Dave): "No, that's not what I said."

(Steve): "Look, I spend all day in a windowless dungeon, surrounded by blinking lights. So how about you climb off my ass?"

(Dave): "Sorry I brought it up. That's no tribute at all, for heaven's sakes. Here's tonight's Top Ten list."

••• Dutch scientists have announced a new way to grow meat using cow stem cells. / Top Ten Least Successful Meat Innovations / #8: honey baked ham radio ••• Paul Rudd plugs Wanderlust. ••• Local news teams often have a consumer advocate, and the Late Show does, as well. Alan takes us to tape of the first installment of "Alan Kalter's You're Busted." / video:
(opening action shots and theme)

(Alan on a New York City street, in a trenchcoat... just like Dan Rather): "I'm standing here in Midtown Manhattan. At a hotel nearby, Councilman Eli Lowenthal is having a breakfast meeting with city officials. He's been accused of using city funds to finance the renovation of his vacation home. Now, he doesn't know it yet, but he's busted! Let's go to work."

(Alan begins a brisk walk down the street. After about 20 steps, the out-of-shape cameraman is already gasping for air.)

(Alan): "It's a little further than I thought."

(cameraman): breathing heavily

(Alan, picking up his pace): "I know it's around here someplace!"

(Alan, looking back at the cameraman): "Keep up with me. Come on, stay with me. Stay with me!"

(Alan, talking to himself): "I'll get you this time, Councilman!"

(The cameraman can't keep up. He begins to lose Alan. He pauses for a drink.)

(Alan, about 50 feet away, with his prey): "That's why you, Councilman Lowenthal, are busted! Well, I've got your whole confession on tape!"

(Alan turns to see the cameraman, well away from the action): "What the       !"


Executive Producer: Mitch Davidson
Director: Chet Van Patten
Supervising Producer: Lou Reynolds

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave's old friend, John Witherspoon, plugs A Thousand Words. He has a fun bowtie. ••• Heartless Bastards sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Chris Hunter is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/23/12 [3635]: video: Mitt Romney singing in a foreign language, for the umpteenth time ••• Photoshop fun: Newt Gingrich: "Fear the chins." / shot of audience guy who looks a little like Newt ••• The latest GOP debate was in Arizona last night. / video:

(CNN moderator John King reads a question submitted by Andra H.): "Without caveats or explanations, please define yourself using one word, and one word only."

(doctored video from here on out)

(Ron Paul): "Gangster."

(Rick Santorum): "Uhhh, pass."

(Mitt Romney): "Meshugana."

(Newt Gingrich): "Doughy."

••• Donald Trump endorsed Mitt Romney this month, and we have official campaign footage. / video: Donald Trump beats up Vince McMahon on the floor beside a wrestling ring at WrestleMania 23. ••• monologue: "You all know Ron Paul, a candidate? Yeah, he was the candidate last night, chewin' tobaccy. And he was so excited about the debate last night that he even wore his store-bought teeth." / "Would That Joke Be Funnier if Told by an Academy Award-Winning Actor?" / video:
(title graphic and "Lovin' You Lots and Lots" by the Norm Wooster Singers)

(Kevin Spacey appears onstage as Johnny Carson): "Well, I'll tell you this. Ron Paul was so excited about the debate last night, that he even wore store-bought teeth. This is true!"

(Kevin takes Johnny's golf swing.)

(CBSO): Tonight Show theme

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "It's time to play 'What's in the Box?' Can you guess what it is? Hope you guessed right!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave thinks we're on to something with the sweater-vest guy, Rick Santorum, running for student council. He now says Satan is attacking the United States. Dave believes this with every fiber of his being. "The devil has gotten a hold of my ass a couple of times."

  2. There are 460,000,000 pet dogs in the United States. Mitt Romney took the family on a trip to Canada with their dog on top of the car in a carrier. / animation
••• "Princess Cruise's Late Show Experience"
(title graphic)

(clip): Late Show audience pan

(female voice-over): "Hey, Late Show viewers, have you ever wanted to go on a five-day Late Show-themed cruise?"

(Late Show viewer): "Good Lord, no!"

(female voice-over): "Now you can, thanks to Princess Cruises' Late Show Experience. You'll enjoy sparkling conversations with Late Show staffers."

(Film Coordinator Rick Scheckman, talking to a bored girl on deck): "Let's see. Alfalfa was shot to death. Spanky had a heart attack. Buckwheat? Also a heart attack."

(female voice-over): "You'll meet Leo Metzger, the world's leading Dave Letterman impersonator."

(Leo, as Dave)

(female voice-over): "And Leo Metzger, the world's leading Paul Shaffer impersonator."

(Leo takes off his wig, puts on sunglasses and now he's Paul!)

(female voice-over): "Play exciting games for cash and prizes."

(casino scene, with Mike McIntee as a dealer, and Dan Fetter as a gambling winner)

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "There will be no cash or prizes."

(female voice-over): "Plus, one lucky passenger will get to meet Dave himself!"

(The captain points out a faraway Dave.)

(female voice-over): "Princess Cruise's Late Show Experience: Good tickets still available."

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Other Words to Describe Newt Gingrich (with #1 presented by Kevin Spacey: Hump) ••• Kristin Chenoweth plugs GCB. She's just gotten permanent fake eyelashes, and is experiencing an allergy to the formaldehyde used in the procedure. Her eyes are swollen, so she comes out with sunglasses on. She eventually gives us a look. What was she thinking? ••• "Forgotten Best Picture Nominees" / video:
(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood")

(clip 1): Dizzy Fat Guys, 1929: driving around a pole

(clip 2): The Devil's Filing System, 1954

(clip 3): Love Story 2: We Love Fabricating Aluminum, 1973

(clip 4): Royal Afternoons, 1985: A giant riding mower drives over a man.

(female voice-over): "A Merchant Ivory Production."

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Joe Scarborough plugs Morning Joe on MSNBC. He also takes a moment to diss Jay Leno. ••• K-naan (with Nelly Furtado) sing. They're the best musical act since Darlene Love on December 23. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Chris Hunter is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/24/12 [3636]: Tonight's audience shout out: "the comedy team that weighs the same" ••• monologue: "I don't know anything about marijuana, but if you mix it with peanut butter and you eat it, you'll stick to the roof of your house." ••• Gas prices shot up this week, which brings us to "Dumb Guy Gas Strategies." / video:

(title graphic)

(photo): cue card technician Todd Seda as Mitch Glouberman

(announce): "Mitch Glouberman, Utica, New York"

(graphic): gasoline cost chart

(Mitch voice-over): "You can cut your gasoline cost by 50% if you buy it by the half gallon."

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(Mitch voice-over): "Try it. It really works!"

(title graphic)

••• Audience shout out: "Satan may be in the audience disguised as a guy from Minnesota." ••• "People Who Are Not Mitt Romney" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(voice-over): "The late Charlie Callas."

(It's the edited clip of the late Charlie Callas making a variety of strange noises.)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'People Who Are Not Mitt Romney.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "I'm on hold with my credit card company. No problem with my account. I just like the music. Stay where you are!" ••• desk chat:
Dave has impressions of his friend Tim Thomerson, including Charles Bronson at Burger King® or McDonald's®. You know Tim from "True Tales of the Old West."
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.
(Linda's in a fine red dress, with her hair up, and Bruce is in a tuxedo.)

(Linda, raising a glass of champagne): "Thanks, Dave, and cheers! It's Oscar weekend, and we're going to start the party early. Which film do you think should win Best Picture, Bruce?"

(Bruce): "Oh, they're all so good, I'm glad I don't have to vote."

(Linda): "Our own film critic, Gabe Kramer, is out in Tinseltown, and he'll bring us a fun story about the man in charge of the red carpet. He's vacuumed it every year since 1971."

(Bruce): "I'll bet that guy's seen it all. And speaking of the red carpet, Linda, may I ask who you're wearing?"

(Linda): "This is a Nordstrom® store brand dress, and it also happens to be the first item of apparel featured in our series, 'Look Like a Million Bucks, But Spend 75.' Glamour isn't just for celebrities any more."

(Bruce): "And speaking of celebrities, we're going to have one here in the studio. Jimmy Smits is dropping by to provide a little star power. I have a thousand questions for this guy!"

(Linda): "Me, too. All that, plus homemade cosmetics, we'll introduce our new iPhone® app, and tips for keeping squirrels out of your bird feeder. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

(Bruce): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda."

••• Top Ten Unusual Film Credits (with special graphics and Gov. Chris Christie's nekkid chest) ••• desk chat: Dave does more Tim Thomerson. ••• Matthew Broderick plugs Nice Work If You Can Get It, opening in April at the Imperial Theatre, 249 West 45th St. ••• "Countdown to the Academy Awards" (with Alan Kalter)
(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood" by the CBSO)

(Alan, at his perch, holding up two fingers): "Two days to go. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave checks his blue card.): "You know, Alan... I'm not sayin' that wasn't great. It was, but I thought maybe there'd be a little more, you know... discussion of the films..."

(Alan, fired up): "Huh? Huh? Hey, hey... hey... hey... Wait... wait a minute. A little more what?"

(Dave): "I..."

(Alan): "A little more WHAT? Speak up, Princess."

(Dave): "I... I thought there'd be a little more information about the films and the actors. That's all. That's all."

(Alan): "Did you hear what you said? 'You thought.' Well, guess what. Alan Kalter is not a mind reader. You said, 'Countdown.' "

(Dave): "Right."

(Alan): "Well, what was I doing? I was COUNTING DOWN! Now, the next time you want something done, do it yourself, you big bag of suck!"

(Alan storms toward the door, pointing at Dave): "I'm tellin' ya.' "

(Alan backtracks to his perch.)

(Alan): "Forgot my yoga mat."

(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood" by the CBSO)

(Dave, to Paul): "That was odd, wasn't it?

(Paul): "It was."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nick Griffin does stand-up. ••• We Are Augustines sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Chris Hunter is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/27/12 [3637]: The Academy Awards ceremony took place last night. Our old friend, Nick Nolte, was nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Dave reports that Nick didn't take not winning very well. / Photoshop fun: Nick's booking mugshot from 2002 now has him in a tux. ••• The Artist won Best Picture. Set in 1927, it's about a silent movie star. / video:

(clip): a 1920s man and woman dancing, with Carl Douglas's "Kung Fu Fighting" from 1974
••• A Republican GOP debate took place in Mesa, Arizona on Feb. 22. Dave says there's a competition to be the kookiest candidate. / video:
(CNN debate video)

(Ron Paul, seated beside Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney): "Once again, the question is, if you voted for Planned Parenthood, like the Senator has, you voted for birth control pills!"

(FX): Congressman Paul's pants fall off.

(Audio FX): teen girls screaming

(Ron Paul continues): "And you literally..."

(title graphic)

••• Rick Santorum says the devil is attacking the United States. People are responding with, "Are you kidding me?" There is backlash. / video:
(clips): Santorum on the campaign trail

(voice-over): "Rick Santorum believes that Satan is attacking the United States."

(Michael Z. McIntee as the voice of Satan): "Hey, Rick, leave me out of this!"

(FX): the flames of hell

(voice-over): "A Message from Satan"

••• The Michigan Primary is coming up, and we see Mitt Romney in his home state of Michigan. / video:
(CNN video caption): "Mitt Romney Addresses Auto Workers in Detroit"

(clip): an auto production line

(FX): Mitt Romney, in a fine suit, is moving along the production line.

(Mitten): "What we have to do is to recognize that bankruptcy can be a process... reorganization for banks as well as other institutions that allow them to get rid of their excess costs, to reestablish a sound foundation, in order to emerge stronger. We're seeing that as a result of the bankruptcy in the auto industry. We can see it..."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Could Be True": "The highest number ever reached during a microphone check was 'six.' Stand by for more TV fun." ••• After commercial: Dave calls Biff Henderson out, as he explains a pre-show encounter with a man from Massachusetts who was screaming at him from the back of theater. The man told Dave he'd met him once in Massachusetts, when both gentlemen were selecting muffins. He claims that Dave told him, "Come on, buddy. You're not picking out wallpaper!" Dave produces an awesome tray of muffins, and asks Biff to run them back to him. (The guy's kind of sweaty. He may have knocked back a few.) ••• The Late Show's team of expert analysts is ready to bring us the latest developments in politics (or something).
(Jerry Foley splits up the screen to give us a look at all of them.)

  • Arthur Daniels from Mesa, Arizona (Walter Kim)
  • Max Cooper at the White House
  • Leo Ford at the CBS Broadcast Center
  • Megan Reynolds in Detroit, Michigan (Kathy Mavrikakis)
  • Barbara Lubis in Phoenix
  • Chet Perkins at the Capitol (Steve Young)
  • Carl Dimino in Ann Arbor, Michigan
  • Ira Albertson in Chicago, Illinois
  • Denise Carmichael in Abingdon, Virginia
  • Neil Jacobsen in Washington
Dave thanks all of the correspondents. We don't know why we have them.
••• Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say in an Academy Awards Acceptance Speech ••• Ed Helms plugs Dr. Seuss' The Lorax. ••• desk chat: Dave informs us that he will endorse a Republican and Democrat candidate tomorrow night, and they will be kooky. ••• "Tom Hanks Tells Buddy Hackett Jokes" / video ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dan Patrick plugs The Dan Patrick Show. ••• Lyle Lovett sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/28/12 [3638]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy whose sweatshirt is too small. ••• Dr. Seuss' The Lorax includes a special message. / video:

(movie clips)

(voice-over): "From the imagination of Dr. Suess comes the heartwarming tale of a young girl who's never seen a tree, the grumpy creature who wants to protect the trees, and the Republican presidential candidate who says awkward things about trees."

(animated Mitt Romney): "I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right... height."

(voice-over): "The Lorax. Starts Friday."

••• "What's Worse, Angela Merkel?" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "What's Worse, Angela Merkel? A: a waiter spilling five beers all over your shoulders..."

(clip of Chancellor Angela Merkel getting beer spilled on her)

(voice-over): "or B: George Bush giving you an unsolicited shoulder rub?"

(clip of Chancellor Angela Merkel getting an unsolicited shoulder rub)

(photo): close-up of Angela Merkel

(voice-over): "If you guessed B, you are correct!"

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(voice-over): "See you next week on 'What's Worse, Angela Merkel?' "

(title graphic)

••• "Mitt + Mustache" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney..."

(clip): a smiling Mitt Romney

(voice-over): "+ a mustache = George Hamilton as Zorro."

(clip): George Hamilton as Zorro

(doctored clip of Mitt with a mustache and a Zorro mask): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Everything's Funny with a Slide Whistle" ••• desk chat:
  1. The ever-humble Dave informs us that he doesn't know what he's talkin' about.... night in and night out. He pretends that he cares about what the actors and actresses are doing.

  2. Dave started paying attention to the various Republican candidates, until they're voted off the island. It occurred to him along the way that the American people want the kookiest president possible. Mitt Romney has been a front-runner since Day One. (animation of Mitt's doggie on the roof of his car)

  3. Along comes Rick Santorum, who a couple of weeks ago announced that the United States of America is under attack by Satan. (Dave's worked on a couple of projects with Satan, and he knows that's true.) Then Santorum said we should outlaw birth control. Dave's down with that. Oh... he's also against the separation of church and state, and while he's at it, Santorum isn't so sure that anyone should go to college. Then Santorum compared homosexuality to beastiality. Dave therefore believes that Rick Santorum could be our kookiest president ever, and announces the full support of the Late Show for the election of Rick Santorum.

  4. The CBSO plays "Stars and Stripes Forever."
••• Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan's Trees •••
Nathan Lane plugs Mirror Mirror. He also has a doctored clip of himself in the 2012 Academy Awards death reel. Then we see a bogus clip of Nathan on the History Channel's Full Metal Jousting.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS. Dave seems to have quite a liking for Pauley. It seems that her dad's name is Paul, so she's Pauley... as in Little Paul. We see a shot of Pauley's boyfriend in the green room. Pauley met him by asking if he wanted to make out with her. (Yes.) After commercial: Dave announces that he forgot to mention Pauley's bakery, Donna Belle's Bake Shop, located at 301 West 49th St. in New York. He shows us a plate of muffins, etc.
••• Estelle sings, and after her performance, Dave distributes muffins to the band. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in for Bruce Kapler.]

2/29/12 [3639]: It's a cold open with Dave and Neil Patrick Harris. / video:

(We see Dave and Neil in the green room. Dave's reading something and humming.)

(Neil): "Oh, hi, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Neil. How're ya' doin'?"

(Neil): (unintelligible) "Hey, listen, I saw the show last night, and I just wanted to say, I thought it was extremely brave of you to do your first show as an open, out-of-the-closet homosexual. The gay and lesbian community salute you."

(Dave): "I'm... not gay."

(Neil, giggling): "Yeah, right Dave. See you out there."

(Dave): "No, I'm not. I'm not gay."

(opening montage)

••• [Dave's tie is 2" too short tonight.] ••• It's Feb. 29, and we have a "Leap Joke."
(title graphic)

(Dave): "You see what's happening here, ladies and gentlemen? This is very exciting. It only happens once every four years. It's time our extra Leap Joke. Are you ready? In a normal year this wouldn't happen. This is our extra Leap Joke. Here it goes."

(joke): "It was certainly a close race there in Michigan... a real nail-biter. Or in Romney's case, a real manicure."

(Dave): "That won't happen again until 2016."

••• "Mitt Romney: Master Campaigner" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "While campaigning in Arizona, Mitt Romney visited the Four Corners monument, becoming the first candidate ever to disappoint four states at once."

(FX): Mitt standing on the Four Corners

(Mitt): "...concerned about what's happening in this great country."

(voice-over): "That title again was 'Mitt Romney: Master Campaigner.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Rick Santorum: He Knows What He Likes" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(Santorum, speaking on the campaign trail): "The British were the most powerful army in the world, and navy in the world. They were ruled by highly-educated, noble people. Their uniforms were crisp and stiff. They looked good."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Pat Farmer comes out by Dave at his monologue mark.
(Pat): "Dave?"

(Dave): "People were upset with the United States government..."

(Pat): "Oh, Dave?"

(Dave): "...and you know why? You know Guantanamo Bay? That naval base..."

(Pat): "Uh, Dave?"

(Dave): "...down in Cuba. Gitmo... where they have all the prisoners?"

(Pat): "Dave?"

(Dave): "They spent a million dollars down there to install a brand new..."

(Pat, turning to leave): "Never mind. I can see you're a little busy."

(Dave, grinning): "I'm sorry. I just... I wasn't in the mood for a skit."

(Paul): "Right."

(Dave): finishes the joke

••• Back by popular demand: It's the doctored video of Gov. Chris Christie pulling up his shirt. ••• As the former governor of Michigan, there was great pressure on Mitt Romney to win the Michigan primary. You could see him starting to crumble a little bit this week. Mitt Romney is interviewed on FOX News. / video:
(Mitt onscreen)

(Chris Wallace): "Why are you having such a tough time locking up your home state against Rick Santorum?"

(animation): Mitt picks up a plastic drink cup and crushes it with his bare hand, then throws it down.

(Mitt): "Well, I'm proud of the fact that I was born and raised in Michigan, and you know, the last time that I..."

••• video: It's Gov. Chris Christie pulling up his shirt again. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Leap Year Reminder" ••• desk chat: It's a call from former president Lyndon B. Johnson on the 1978 DAVE phone. This is going to make television history.
(Dave): "Good evening, President Johnson."

(LBJ): "Mr. Haggar, is your father the one that makes, uh, clothes?

(Dave, puzzled): "Yeah. Yeah, we make clothes."

(LBJ): "You-all made me some real lightweight slacks. Now, I need about six pairs... maybe three of the light brown... kind of an almost powder color, like powder on a lady's face."

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. Six pairs. We can take care of that, easy."

(LBJ): "I want 'em half an inch larger in the waist than they were before, except I want two or three inches of stuff left back in there, so I can take 'em up. I vary 10 or 15 pounds a month."

(Dave): "15, 10 pounds... OK."

(LBJ): "Another thing. The crotch... down where your nuts hang, is always a little too tight. So when you make 'em up, give me an inch that I can let out there, uh, because they cut me. It's just like ridin' a, a wire fence."

(Dave): "OK, so leave plenty of room, so your nuts don't get cut."

(Paul): "Yeah!"

(LBJ): "See if you can't leave me about (burp) an inch from where the zipper (burp) ends... back to my bung hole (censored)."

(Dave busts out laughing.)

(Paul): "Where was that? Excuse me... where was that again?"

(Dave): "Alright, Mr. President. Where would you like the pants delivered?"

(LBJ): burp

(Call ends.)

Now, ladies and gentlemen, where else on big time network television will you get to hear a dead president ordering pants? They don't call it Worldwide Pants Incorporated for nothin'. CBS cares.

[Here's the link for audio of the actual, complete phone call from President Johnson to Haggar on 8/09/64.]

••• Top Ten Frequently Asked Questions About Leap Year ••• Neil Patrick Harris plugs How I Met Your Mother. ••• "Tony Mendez's How It's Made" / video:
(opening scenes for Tony's show)

(title graphic)

(Tony): "We're here in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, at Anna's Candle Shoppe. This is Anna Lubis, who's going to show us how she makes her famous Egyptian Jasmine Beeswax candle. I love candles in my apartment. They make it smell great! You ready?"

(Anna): "I am, indeed. I'll just go get started, and you'll watch."

(Tony): "OK."

As Tony watches Anna (offscreen), we hear swarming bees, scraping sounds, the sounds of carnage, geese honking and chickens clucking.

(Oops!): Tony's face is sprayed with chicken blood.

(Anna, again onscreen and somewhat bloodied-up, presents Tony with a beautiful candle.): "And here you go!"

(Tony): "That's how you make this? What the hell's wrong with you?!"

(credits): Production Coordinator: Wyatt Cooper, Mr. Mendez's Wardrobe: Cubavera

(voice-over, as we see Tony walking to his office in the Ed Sullivan Theater): "Goodnight, Mr. Mendez."

(theme music): Taxi

(Tony makes Dave read the URL for the Tony Mendez Show.)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Looking to pad your resume?" ••• Taylor Kitsch plugs John Carter. ••• The Robert Glasper Experiment, with Lupe Fiasco and Bilal ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in for Bruce Kapler.]

3/01/12 [3640]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Ernesto. ••• Once again, by popular demand, we see Gov. Chris Christie's expansive bare chest. ••• "Late Show Professional Bowling Highlight" / video:

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(clip): It's the final game of the PBA's 69th U.S. Open in New Brunswick, New Jersey on Feb. 25, with Pete Weber (Dick's kid) defeating Mike Fagan 215-214 for his fifth career U.S. Open title.

(voice-over): "A strike to claim it. A strike to claim it! And he got it!"

(Pete Weber making the strike, then acting like a jerk): "God dammit, I did it! I'm number 5. Are you kidding me? That's right! Who do you think you are? I am!"

(title graphic)

••• "Great Moments on the Campaign Trail" / video:
(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(Ronald Reagan, 1980): "For those who have abandoned hope, we'll restore hope, and we'll welcome them into a great national crusade to make America great again."

(Bill Clinton, 1992): "Let it be our cause, to see that child grow up strong and secure, braced by her challenges, but never struggling alone."

(Rick Santorum, 2012): "I'm not gonna be president."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Our Amazing Earth" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave confesses that when he can't sleep at night, he goes on Twitter, using a pseudonym, and says horribly ugly, unpleasant things about people he doesn't like.

  2. Dave also goes on ancestrymatch.com. They'll arrange a date for you with one of your ancestors. It's tremendous! Dave sent off a little DNA and found out that his real father was Gene Autry, and his real mother was Barbara Stanwyck! Dave quotes Stanwyck's character, Victoria Barkley, on The Big Valley, "Show us some of Tom Barkley's guts!" (It seems to be a quote that's all over the Internet.) Dave will repeat his impression several times tonight.

  3. Dave does one of his dumb guy impressions.
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Did you know that March is National Noodle Month?"

(Bruce): "I do now, and it's making me hungry!"

(Linda): "Well, on each show this month, we'll introduce you to a different kind of noodle! And yes, Bruce, we'll be sampling them, as well."

(Bruce): "I'll bring my appetite. Hey... if you're like me, you love jigsaw puzzles. We're gonna meet the great, great, great grandson of John Spillsbury, the inventor of the jigsaw puzzle!"

(Linda): "Well, that'll be quite a history lesson. And, with spring just around the corner, we're taking off our annual 'Bruce on the Loose' series. Play along at home, try to figure out where Bruce is on his travels, and you could win one of a dozen magazine subscriptions."

(Bruce): "All that, plus do-it-yourself decorating projects, our favorite new web sites, and homemade dog treats. Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you, Bruce and Linda. The Weekend Late Show. That is fantastic!"

••• Top Ten Names of Romneys or Arthropods / #3: TUNE INTO "30 ROCK", THURSDAYS ON NBC! / What? This is most irregular! #3 was supposed to be "gnat." Dave can't understand how this got in. / Jerry Foley has a camera in an editing or control room downstairs, where we see that Tina Fey has commandeered the equipment to plug her show. She turns mean and says to Dave, "Didn't mean to steal your spotlight, Liza. Sorry to interrupt. As you were." ••• desk chat: more Big Valley ••• Jon Hamm plugs Friends with Kids. ••• desk chat: Dave has a photo of the Big Valley cast. ••• Guess what! It's a repeat of the political analysts gag we saw on Feb. 27. The Late Show's team of expert analysts is ready to bring us the latest developments in politics (or something).
(Jerry Foley splits up the screen to give us a look at all of them.)

  • Arthur Daniels from Mesa, Arizona (Walter Kim)
  • Max Cooper at the White House
  • Leo Ford at the CBS Broadcast Center
  • Megan Reynolds in Detroit, Michigan (Kathy Mavrikakis)
  • Barbara Lubis in Phoenix
  • Chet Perkins at the Capitol (Steve Young)
  • Carl Dimino in Ann Arbor, Michigan
  • Ira Albertson in Chicago, Illinois
  • Denise Carmichael in Abingdon, Virginia
  • Neil Jacobsen in Washington
Dave thanks all of the correspondents. We don't know why we have them.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Ted Alexandro does stand-up. He wasn't funny. ••• White Rabbits sing. •••Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller is in for Sid McGinnis.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in for Bruce Kapler.]

3/02/12: REPEAT FROM 2/07/12

3/05/12: REPEAT FROM 2/02/12

3/06/12: REPEAT FROM 2/15/12

3/07/12: REPEAT FROM 1/19/12

3/08/12: REPEAT FROM 2/01/12

3/09/12: REPEAT FROM 2/20/12

3/12/12 [3641]: monologue: "How about that Rush Limbaugh? And I've gotta tell you something. It was nice for me to see someone else apologizing for something for a change!" ••• It's been a while since the last episode. Let's check in with CBS for a GOP delegate count. / "CBS News Election 2012 Headquarters" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "CBS News has no delegate information at this time."

(photo): It's cue card technician Todd Seda.

(voice-over): "The kid was moving the clocks ahead on Sunday, and accidentally reset the delegate count."

(delegate count graphic)

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(voice-over): "Stay with CBS for the latest Election '12 updates."

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "Rick Santorum says TelePrompTers should be made illegal. I think we'll all sleep a little easier tonight, when they get that... I remember when I was a kid, some punks broke into my house with a TelePrompTer one night, and forced me to read the Declaration of Independence. Scary!" ••• Rising gasoline prices are a huge topic of late, and Newt Gingrich addressed this in Alabama, at a gas station. / video:
(clip of Newt by gas pumps): "What I wanted to suggest... reason I wanted to come to a gas station, is I don't think the President quite gets it."

(animation): Newt picks up a gas nozzle, and fire starts shooting out.

(FX): A huge inferno results. Screaming and mayhem are heard.

••• "What's More Adorable?" / video:
(Chryon of the following questions, plus fun music)

(voice-over): "a bear cub falling asleep or Newt Gingrigh falling asleep"

(split screen): a bear cub falling asleep and Newt Gingrich falling asleep

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'What's More Adorable?' "

(title graphic)

••• [Our old friend, guitarist Sid McGinnis, has been away since the January 17 episode. After finishing the monologue, Dave walks over to the CBSO for a welcome back handshake.] ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did you know that Scott Pelley of the CBS Evening News based his character on Will Ferrell in Anchorman? Think about that until we come back." ••• desk chat:
  1. [On February 29, Rush Limbaugh commented on a Georgetown University law student who had testified before the House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee in support of mandated health coverage for contraceptives. He called her a slut, and has since had to apologize, while losing numerous sponsors.] Dave says that Rush explained that he comments on absurd situations with absurdity. It's a form of humor. Dave says, "Well, I've only met the man a couple of times, and I can tell you... my hand to God this is true... the one thing Rush Limbaugh is not is funny."

  2. Harold Larkin and another man bring in a green screen and set it up behind Dave. Since CBS is carrying a lot of Midnight Madness, Dave does a silly promo. Along with some lame FX, he tries to position his chair so his index finger, and then his noggin, are under a spinning FX basketball. There is limited success. The audience is absolutely howling with laughter. I think the biggest problem was Dave trying to position himself while looking at a mirror image in the monitor.
••• From the green room, Will Ferrell presents the Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Will Ferrell's Mind Just Before Appearing on the Late Show. ••• Will Ferrell plugs Casa de mi Padre. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: Alan is fiddling with a clock that didn't get set to Daylight Saving Time. Dave begs him to leave it alone, but Alan proceeds, and gets electrocuted. (The electrocution FX will be added later.) ••• Jon Bernthal (formerly of The Walking Dead) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/13/12 [3642]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Perth, Australia. They'll get two shout outs. ••• [Peyton Manning will not be returning to the Indianapolis Colts after 14 seasons.] ••• "CBS News Special Report" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. Earlier today, Peyton Manning was seen eating a Denver omelet, which suggests he will sign with the Denver Broncos. More on this situation as it develops."

(title graphic)

••• "CBS News Special Report" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. While eating his Denver omelet, Peyton Manning was seen drinking an Arizona Iced Tea™, which suggests he is now leaning toward signing with the Arizona Cardinals. More on this situation as it develops."

(title graphic)

••• [The European Chess Union has banned displays of female cleavage at its tournaments. A male opponent could be distracted by cleavage.] Dave recently attended a chess match, and just happened to have a video crew with him. / video: We see a clip from The Thomas Crown Affair, with Steve McQueen in a game of chess with Faye Dunaway. ••• "I Think We're Officially Out of News" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(Anchor David Novarro of WABC-TV 7): "Here's what we're working on for Eyewitness News First @ 4. We're gonna tell you why Victoria Beckham says she's just like every other mother. And... could tight clothes be harming your health? We'll have a new report."

(clip): We see the posterior of a woman in tight jeans.

(Dave continues): "Also, the surprising number of people in one country who admit to sleeping with a teddy bear."

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• "CBS News Special Report" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. Peyton Manning has planned a visit to Disneyland in Anaheim, which suggests he will sign with the NHL's Anaheim Ducks. More on this situation as it develops."

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Gingrich Newt Gingrich is pulling out all the stops on the campaign trail in Alabama and Mississippi. We have a clip of him campaigning. / video:
(animation): Newt's double chin is bouncing around as he speaks, as we hear "Dueling Banjos," by Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandel.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Studio Camera White Balance" (Alan holds up a white card as the adjustment is made.) ••• desk chat:
Dave's upset about Peyton Manning leaving his hometown Indianapolis Colts. He claims he called NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Now Peyton's son, Eli Manning, has come to New York, he says, and did you know that their mother, Carol, was a tight end for the St. Louis Rams? She played on special teams, too. Wherever Peyton goes, they'll automatically be a contender. Finally, Peyton will still be allowed to wear his Colts uniform.
••• CeeLo Green presents the Top Ten Signs You're a Terrible Singer. •••
My favorite guest, Amanda Peet, plugs her new series, Bent, on NBC. Now that the lovely hypochondriac Amanda is a mother, she has health-related stories to tell about her family. Her sister, Alisa Peet, M.D., is an internal medicine doctor, and her brother-in-law, Jeff Gerber, M.D., is a pediatrician. This was helpful when her daughter broke her arm, and various doctors weighed in that her arm was OK. Eventually... the next day... they got her x-rayed and patched up. Then Amanda's husband, David Benioff, got to drinking in Belfast, Ireland (if we can imagine that), and he played a game of Mercy (a hand strength challenge) with toughguy actor Jason Momoa. David lost, and his hands were sort of crushed. Tonight marks Amanda's 13th appearance.
••• Nick Offerman plugs Casa de mi Padre. He's an interesting guest, and has cool stories about his hobby of carpentry! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for recycling used motor oil ••• more Nick Offerman ••• The Chieftains, with guests The Low Anthem, sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/14/12 [3643]: monologue:

"According to a new study... and to me I've heard this new study about 18 times in my life. They're calling it a new study. If you eat meat, like hamburgers and hot dogs, it will kill you! It will kill you! Is this the first time you folks have heard this information? If you eat hot dogs... hamburg... next time you go to a ballpark, do yourself a favor and try the trout. You can't beat ballpark trout."
••• You can't go anywhere on the Internet of late without seeing a snowboarding opossum. (In Kansas we call them possums.) Dave wants us to know that this isn't the first opossum that's made a name for itself, which brings us to "Notable Opossums." / video:
(title graphic)

(possum clips)

(voice-over): "Ratatouille, the snowboarding opossum. Heidi, the cross-eyed opossum. Ron, the opossum that's running for president."

(clip of Ron Paul at a GOP debate)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Notable Opossums.' "

••• Repeated from last night, it's this little number:

Newt Gingrich is pulling out all the stops on the campaign trail in Alabama and Mississippi. We have a clip of him campaigning. / video:

(animation): Newt's double chin is bouncing around as he speaks, as we hear "Dueling Banjos," by Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandel.
••• On March 12, the Nixon Presidential Library released love letters from Dick to Pat, so here's "The Love Letters of Richard Nixon." / video:
(art card and piano music)

(voice-over of the words of Nixon):

Entranced by passion and joys thereof
I gazed at you through eyes of love.
I hope that's how you saw me, too.
I'm glad you're not a Commie jew."

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'The Love Letters of Richard Nixon.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dave agrees to help CBS put out their basketball schedule. Here's "NCAA March Madness." / video:
(title graphic)

(lots of school logos and graphics)

(voice-over, talking fast): "Hey fans. Tomorrow catch Colorado State vs. Murray State on CBS, or Southern Miss vs. Kansas State on TruTV. Or Davidson vs. Louisville on TBS. Or Montana vs. Wisconsin on TNT. Then catch TBD vs. Marquette on CBS, and TBD vs. Kentucky on TBS. Or on TruTV, catch Colorado vs. UNLV. Then Duke vs. Lehigh on CBS or TBD vs. Temple on TNT. Then March 31st, catch the Final Four, TBD vs. TBD or TBD vs. TBD on CBS. And then April 2nd, TBD vs. TBD on CBS for the championship! Thanks from the NCAA."

••• monologue: "Mitt Romney always dresses in green on St. Patrick's Day. He wears his money." ••• Michelle Obama will be on Monday's show. / "First Ladies on the Late Show" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "On September 13th, 1994, Dave was joined by Barbara Bush. On February 4th, 2008, Dave sat down with Hillary Clinton. And on May 6th, 2011, Dave welcomed Nancy Reagan."

(clip from 5/06/11): Brian Miser, the Human Fuse, is being catapulted down 53rd St., and lands on a big, air-filled bag. He's Nancy Reagan for the purposes of this joke.

(voice-over): "This has been 'First Ladies on the Late Show.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder: March is NOT National Book Month. You could read a book this month, but I wouldn't recommend it!" ••• desk chat:
If you've been to a taping, you know that Dave often stands and talks to producers during commercials. He says he'd appreciate it very much if we home viewers would also stand during the commercials. It will be a nice show of respect for the sponsors.
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy St. Patrick's Day Weekend!"

(Bruce): "Faith and begorrah. It's my favorite holiday, and I'm not even Irish."

(Linda): "Well, you've heard of the luck of the Irish, though. On Saturday, we're going to learn about Irish superstitions. Maybe we'll get some good insight into that fortune."

(Bruce): "I'll keep my fingers crossed. Now... you've probably heard there's a right way and a wrong way to brush your teeth. Our hygiene reporter, Candy Scheckman, has the information you'll need to keep those choppers white and bright."

(Linda): "And, here's another reason to smile. Our favorite musical Girl Scouts, Troop 114, are back to perform a traditional Irish jig to close out the show. You won't want to miss it."

(Bruce): "Maybe they'll bring along some of those Thin Mint cookies."

(Linda): "Oh, those are wonderful! All that, plus preparing your will, a chainsaw safety lesson and backgammon tips, Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Erin go Bragh, and back to you, Dave."

(Bruce and Linda raise glasses of who-knows-what.)

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda."

••• Top Ten Other Phrases Never Before Said by Mitt Romney ••• Martin Short interview / Martin has his latest fun musical number, "It's Raining Mitt," to the tune of Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• after commercial: Dave, at his desk, has an ad for kale. This is to seal the deal with the Michelle Obama booking for Monday. ••• The Ting Tings sing. ••• partial credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.

3/15/12: REPEAT FROM 2/08/12

3/16/12: REPEAT FROM 2/13/12

3/19/12 [3644]: [Donald Harrison is sitting in tonight on saxophone.] ••• For the very first time (this week), it's the animation of Mitt Romney's dog peering into his vehicle from the roof. ••• Dave's excited that First Lady Michelle Obama will be on tonight. Security around the Ed Sullivan Theater is tighter than Chris Christie's pants! ••• Did you see the promos for Michelle Obama's appearance while you were watching March Madness? / video:

(Late Show theme song)

(voice-over): "Monday, First Lady Michelle Obama visits the Late Show. Tune in to see how Dave will screw it up."

(clip): Dave, at his desk, is making funny noises and faces

(voice-over): "Then catch Tommy."

(Photoshop fun): Tommy Lasorda at Craig Ferguson's Late Late Show desk

••• "Bet You Didn't Know" / video:
(title graphic and wacky theme music)

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are still running for president."

(photos from the campaign trail)

(voice-over): "Bet you didn't know!"

(title graphic)

••• Puerto Rico just had their presidential primary, and Mitt Romney won. Dave wanted to see the ballot, and we get a look at it at home.

    El Loco 
    El Muy Loco 
    El Gordo 

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Stat Snapshot" ••• desk chat:

  1. Michelle Obama and Dave were both guests on Live, and she asked to be on the Late Show.

  2. Dave says a lot of people won't come on the Late Show because they're afraid of Dave. Rick Santorum is among those individuals.

  3. The Secret Service has been all over the theater today. Dave's not supposed to point them out, so he does. (Well, actually, the guy at the back of the theater looks like security guy Dominic to me. Then Dave calls for a handheld camera. Sure enough, there's an agent in Dave's Late Show mug, looking systematically from left to right and back. Very impressive... very intimidating.
••• The Secret Service has screened everybody involved with today's show... the staff, the crew, the audience. No stone unturned. / Top Ten Things the Secret Service Learned About Tonight's Audience ••• Michelle Obama ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for joiningforces.gov ••• more Michelle Obama ••• Esperanza Spalding sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: It's the Secret Service agent in Dave's mug.

3/20/12 [3645]: monologue: pothole jokes...

• "There's one so big over on 8th Avenue, it has a gift shop!"
• "It's so big, when it rains the city stocks it with trout."
• "It's so big, Simon and Garfunkel had their reunion concert, there in the pothole."
• "The pothole is so big, you can actually hire a burro to take you to the bottom of the pothole."
••• Peyton Manning has just signed a five-year, $96,000,000 deal to play for the Denver Broncos. / Photoshop fun: We see Tim Tebow, who was the quarterback for Denver, with "SCREW MANNING" on his Cramer® Sun Glare Black. ••• "Mitt Romney: President?" / video:
(title graphic and "Hail to the Chief")

(Mitt, talking to the camera): "Uh, these are pancakes. Uh, I'm in, uh, Rosemont, Illinois. I just got these pancakes from a restaurant called Pancakes, Eggcetera. It's a play on words, and the pancakes... apparently very good..."

(title graphic)

••• "GOP Candidates' Secret Service Names" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: Javelin. Rick Santorum: Petrus. Newt Gingrich: Gyachgh." (hacking sound)

(voice-over): "This has been 'GOP Candidates' Secret Service Names.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Mitt Romney: President?" / video
(title graphic and "Hail to the Chief")

(Mitt, addressing restaurant customers): "These pancakes are somethin' else, I'll tell you. These pancakes are as large as my win in Puerto Rico last night. I must admit... the margin was just about as good!"

(title graphic)

••• Rick Santorum wants to outlaw pornography. Ron Paul may not be in favor of pornography, but he's pro-pronography. / video:
(clip): Ron Paul speaking

(voice-over): "Rick Santorum wants to crack down on pornography. But as a Libertarian, Ron Paul believes you should be able to choose what you're allowed to see in the privacy of your home..."

(photos of the following pornographic offerings)

(voice-over): "...whether you're into straight material, gay material, seniors, heavy gals, balloon play, erotic sneezing, hammocks, women carrying other women, robots, mannequins, suggestively-shaped trees, or, of course, human furniture. A fake announcement from Ron Paul."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Gas Saving Tip: You can cut your fuel costs by 50% if you only drive halfway to your destination." ••• desk chat:
  1. High-definition television has revolutionized broadcasting. Now there's talk of offering the Late Show in IMAX.

  2. Michelle Obama appeared on last night's show, which brings us to "How to Greet the First Lady." / video:

    (title graphic and Freeplay music)

    (voice-over): "The right way to greet the First Lady, as demonstrated with Michelle Obama."

    (clip from 3/19/12): Dave appropriately welcomes Michelle Obama to the stage.

    (voice-over): "The wrong way to greet the First Lady, as demonstrated with Nancy Reagan."

    (clip from 11/22/00): It's Dave hosing down Richard Simmons, dressed as a turkey, with a CO2 fire extinguisher.

    (voice-over): "This has been 'How to Greet the First Lady.' "

••• Top Ten Things Overheard on a Disappointing Spring Break ••• Jennifer Lawrence plugs The Hunger Games. ••• Gail Collins plugs her book, William Henry Harrison. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a promo for The Shins' webcast on cbs.com ••• more Gail Collins ••• The Shins sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Donald Harrison sat in on saxophone.] ••• [The Shins did a webcast at 9 P.M. ET.]

3/21/12 [3646]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Jim, an IT guy from parts unknown. ••• "A Message from the National Air Council" / video:

(title graphic)

(clips of NCAA tournament games)

(voice-over): "The drama. The thrills. The March Madness excitement. Brought to you once again by something we too often take for granted. The miracle that allows for proper inflation. Air: It's what's in balls. 'A Message from the National Air Council.' "

(National Air Council logo)

••• Apparently the owners of the New York Mets lost truckloads of money when Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme was discovered, and they're now trying to set things right. On March 16 they agreed to settle with creditors for $162,000,000. / video:
(voice-over): "The lawsuits are behind us, and it's time to play baseball. Meet your 2012 New York Mets."

(photos of David Wright)

(voice-over): "Third baseman: David Wright, shortstop: David Wright, second baseman: David Wright, first baseman: Mr. Met, catcher: David Wright, left fielder: that guy from the grounds crew, right fielder: David Wright and center fielder: Lenny Dykstra."

(photo): Lenny Dykstra in an orange prison jumpsuit

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Pending prison release."

(voice-over): "The 2012 New York Mets: Catch the fever."

(Mets logo)

••• interruption: Legendary writer Gerard Mulligan strolls onstage with a clipboard. It goes something like this:
(Gerard): "Hi Dave."

(Dave): "Hi, how are you? Good to see you!"

(Gerard): "I hope this isn't a bad time."

(Dave): "No, it's a great time!"

(Gerard): "OK, 'cause, you know, I was just wondering if you'd like to order some cookies.

(Dave): "Yeah, sure. I like cookies. What kind of cookies?"

(Gerard): "Senior Scout Cookies."

(Dave): "I'm sorry."

(Gerard): "Senior Scout Cookies."

(Dave): "Senior Scout Cookies."

(Gerard): "It's a fundraiser for my Senior Scout Troop."

(Dave): "Yeah, uhh, I don't... yeah... I don't... I've never heard of the Senior Scouts."

(Gerard): "Well, it's very worthwhile."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Gerard): "First, we're going to raise money to buy uniforms."

(Dave): "Right."

(Gerard): "And then we're gonna take a bus trip to Myrtle Beach."

(Dave, laughing): "Why... why... why would you need uniforms if you're ridin' the bus to Myrtle Beach?"

(Gerard): "Well, it's for when we get there, to impress the chicks. But you know, I'm kind of in a hurry."

(Dave): "You're in a hurry!"

(Gerard): "I'm in a hurry, so I'm just gonna put you down for a couple of boxes of Fudgie Crackles."

(Dave): "Fudgie Crackles."

(Gerard): "And that's $10."

(Dave, taking a $10 bill from his pocket): "OK. $10. And the name is Billy Whiz. Put that in there. Billy Whiz. There's your $10."

(Gerard): "Thank you very much."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. I'll see you at the Port Authority. Thank you very much. There he goes!"

••• Mitt Romney singing (foreign language) ••• C-SPAN has been on television for 33 years now. / "C-SPAN Highlight":
(voice-over): "Congratulations to C-SPAN for bringing us 33 years of landmark moments from the United States Congress, like this."

(clip): It's Congressman Barney Frank on the House floor last year, addressing bank failures. He's wearing a suit jacket, but instead of a white shirt and tie, it's a blue t-shirt or something that shows off his hooters.

(voice-over): "Thanks, C-SPAN. Keep up the good work!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Crap, my foot fell asleep." ••• desk chat: Dave's mom, Dorothy, is 90, and they got her one of those emergency call gadgets. She accidentally set it off, and the number it called hung up on her. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. We hope your spring is off to a wonderful start!"

(Bruce): "I like how it stays lighter at night, don't you?"

(Linda): "Oh, yes, and the daffodils! Ah! Well, with spring fully sprung, we're going out on the roof with our birdwatching guru, Carl Becker. He'll introduce us to some feathered friends who are migrating north."

(Bruce produces a birthday cake.): "Up and away! Now, speakin' of birds, you know who's no spring chicken!"

(Linda): "Oh, no! I hope there's no number on that cake."

(Bruce): "It's your big birthday weekend. We've got some great suprises lined up, including one of Linda's all-time favorite singers. I'll give you a clue. She's bringin' an autoharp."

(Linda): "Judy Collins?"

(Bruce): "My lips are sealed. Tune in on Saturday."

(Linda): "Oh, this will be fun! All that, and our annual ice fishing retrospective, smoking your own meats, and we'll show you the best - and the worst - insect repellents. Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Questions People Rarely Ask Car Salesmen ••• desk chat: Dave complains that Harvard-educated writer Bill Scheft wasn't paying attention to his earlier desk chat. Bill asked during the commercial break if Dorothy fell. ••• Debra Messing plugs Smash, and visits with Dave about the challenges of getting a kid into a school in New York City. ••• After commercial: Dave calls for American Idol to be shut down, because after the solo Felicia Collins just delivered, we have our winner. ••• Josh Hutcherson plugs Hunger Games. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Josh Hutcherson ••• Oberhofer sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Donald Harrison is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/22/12: REPEAT FROM 2/22/12

3/23/12: REPEAT FROM 2/06/12

3/26/12 [3647]: Tonight's audience shout out is to two guys in checked shirts. ••• Tiger Woods won the Arnold Palmer Invitational over the weekend. / Photoshop fun: The golf course outline bears a striking resemblence to a beautiful young woman! ••• "BIGGEST MOVIE OPENING$" / video:

(title graphic and Jerry Goldsmith's "Take Us Out" from Rudy)

(movie clips)

3. The Dark Knight: $158.4 million

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: $161.9 million

1. Hat Wars: $194.8 million

(title graphic)

••• The U.S. Supreme Court is hearing arguments regarding Obamacare, which brings us to "Concepts Named After Presidents." /
(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(photo): Woodrow Wilson

(voice-over): "Wilsonianism: Advocacy of the spread of democracy, as promoted by Woodrow Wilson."

(photo): Ronald Reagan

(voice-over): "Reaganomics: Stimulation of economic growth through a reduction in taxes."

(photo): Gerald Ford

(voice-over): "Fordplay: The sequence of events that precedes sex with Gerald Ford. This message was made possible by a grant from the American Historical Association."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Available at Caldor."

••• Former vice-president Dick Cheney got a heart transplant last week. Dave makes a crack about "Cheney's castle" (not dungeon), and Will Lee does his Dick Cheney's Dungeon scream. ••• This is fascinating: Here's footage of Dick Cheney in the operating room. / video: a black and white clip from Frankenstein: "It's alive! It's alive! It's alive!" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Word of the Night: OLEAGINOUS" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's happy to announce that stage manager Eddie Valk and wife Vanessa had a baby boy, Jackson Edward Valk. The tyke was born on March 23, checking in at 6 lbs. 3 oz. He's 19" tall.

  2. A while back, the Late Show was nominated for a GLAAD Award, in the category Outstanding Talk Show Episode, for Dave's interview with Chaz Bono on 5/11/11. Oprah won. Regardless, Dave informs us that "Pound-for-pound, the Late Show is the gayest show on television."

  3. By some reports, the brand new iPad® 3 has overheating problems. / The Man on Fire, Don H. Hewitt, comes through... a walking inferno. As usual, Don eventually finds his way offstage, and we see the cloud of CO2 as he's extinguished. Writer Steve Young, in a sharp suit, quickly appears onstage to deliver the following message:

    "Did the iPad 3 ignite The Man on Fire? Or did The Man on Fire ignite the iPad 3? We may never know." (sinister music from the CBSO)

••• Top Ten Good Things About Living in a Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland ••• Rachel Maddow plugs her new book, Drift. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "This show's so good, it may also be broadcasted on Mars." ••• Timothy Olyphant plugs Justified. ••• Train sing. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/27/12 [3648]: "Today's Lucky Number" / video: Shecky has dug up some ancient footage from the Pennsylvania Lottery. For the record, the number is 6-2-0. ••• Dick "Kaboom" Cheney got a heart transplant on Saturday. Will Lee does his legendary "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. ••• "Rick Santorum: He Knows What He Likes" / It's the video first shown on 2/29/12: (Santorum, speaking on the campaign trail): "The British were the most powerful army in the world, and navy in the world. They were ruled by highly-educated, noble people. Their uniforms were crisp and stiff. They looked good." (It's quite enjoyable to see the "what the hell?" expression on his daughter's face.) ••• Word has just gotten around that during Newt's campaign, for $50 you can have your picture taken with him. "Meet Newt Gingrich" / video:

(clips of Newt speaking)

(Bill Scheft voice-over): "To help raise campaign funds, Newt Gingrich has some exciting offers. For $50, you can take a photo with the former Speaker. For a $500 donation, you get the entire Newt Gingrich book collection. And for a thousand dollars, you can play him like a glockenspiel."

(animation): Someone off-camera is playing Newt's double chins with drumsticks.

(Bill Scheft voice-over): "Newt 2012. Be there!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did you know?": "In 4% of robberty cases involving a ski mask disguise, the robber is also wearing skis." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave announces it's Tony Mendez's 67th birthday! He asks Tony a question, and Tony gives him, "All I care about is getting some respect around here."

  2. Dave goes back to Dick Cheney's heart problems, and reminds us that he's had some of his own. In fact, he was dead for four days. Anyway, Cheney was kept alive by a mechanical device for four years. / "Dick Cheney's Ventricular Assist Device - Where Is It Now?" / video:

    (title graphic and theme song)


    (voice-over): "Making expresso at Bethesda Naval Hospital."

    (animation): The gadget, which looks like a computer with no case, has expresso flowing from a spout.

    (voice-over): "This has been 'Dick Cheney's Ventricular Assist Device - Where Is It Now?' "

    (title graphic)

••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 on a Photo with Newt Gingrich ••• Jason Sudeikis of Saturday Night Live ••• The Supreme Court justices are considering whether Obamacare is constitutional. Cameras aren't allowed in their court, so we rely on sketch artists, as seen in "The Supreme Court's Health Care Hearings." / video:
(caricatures of each justice)

(Justice Stephen Breyer): "Congress has nowhere used the word tax. What it says is penalty."

(Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg): "This is not a revenue-raising measure, because if it's successful, nobody will pay the penalty."

(Justice Anthony Kennedy): "First off, I'd like to apologize for bringing my pet chicken to work. I couldn't afford a sitter."

(FX): clucking

(Justice Anthony Kennedy): "Ira, stop that! Ow! Ow! Knock it off! Ira, no! Aaah! Aaaaaaah!"

(title graphic)

••• Lionel Richie interview ••• Lionel Richie and Jason Aldean sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/28/12 [3649]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy wearing a vertical-striped shirt. ••• Yesterday the captain of JetBlue Flight 191 went berserk after leaving JFK, and had to be restrained by passengers. / video:

We see a JetBlue plane. In the left seat is a goofy-looking pilot, with a crazy mustache and Coke-bottle glasses, struggling to control the aircraft. It's Jerry Lewis as Capt. Eddie Peyton in The Family Jewels (1965).
••• Rick Santorum got into a discussion with a New York Times reporter, Jeff Zeleny, on March 26, and was recorded saying bull      . / video: We see the clip of Santorum uttering the mighty oath. ••• Dick "Kaboom" Cheney got his heart transplant over the weekend. Will Lee gives us an extra-awesome "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. ••• We have footage from the operating room, moments after completion of the transplant. OK... it's a black and white clip from Frankenstein: "It's alive! It's alive! It's alive!" ••• Rick Santorum cusses again. ••• monologue:
"Well I'll tell ya, the campaign's heatin' up and the candidates are, uh... Well, last night, for example, Mitt Romney was a guest on the Tonight Show, over there on NBC. Imagine it... it's interesting. You have an empty suit, trying to please everyone. And then Romney comes out..."

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Stat Snapshot": "The average number is six. We'll be back." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave runs the clip of Santorum cussing again.

  2. "The Supreme Court's Health Care Hearings." / video:

    (Justice Stephen Breyer): "If there are substantial effects on interstate commerce, Congress can act."

    (Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg): "The people who don't participate in this market are making it much more expensive for the people who do."

    (Justice Anthony Kennedy, or maybe Pete Fatovich): "I'd like to thank Justice Scalia for letting me share his robe."

    (Photoshop fun): two justices in one giant robe

    (Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "More of 'The Supreme Court's Health Care Hearings' after these messages."

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Pilot Say (including Dave's "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty." ••• Chris Elliott plugs Eagleheart. Our old friend comes with material. We see a clip of him posing for pictures on 53rd St. like he was Marilyn Monroe or something, and being flour bombed in the process, then being escorted in by Bill DeLace. Once indoors, Biff Henderson hoses Chris down onstage, and his guest chair's covered with a plastic tarp. Biff has the time of his life with this assignment, making especially sure to hose down Chris's handsome face, and his armpits. Now soaking wet, Chris complains that the theater is really chilly. ••• Former president of the Maldive Islands, Mohamed Nasheed, visits with Dave about global warming, and the concerns that the islands are barely above sea level. We probably shouldn't melt anymore icebergs. A documentary, The Island President, opened today. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and (cutting to Alan), "Can you tell? I've been workin' out. We'll be back." ••• more Mohamed Nasheed ••• Justin Townes Earle sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/29/12 [3650]: Well, here's an unpleasant notion. We have, "live via satellite," video from Palm Beach, Florida of Newt Gingrich getting make-up before an appearance. ••• Dave's fascinated with the video of Rick Santorum mentioning bull doodoo, and we'll see it a couple of dozen times in tonight's telecast... for example, right now. ••• It's fairly obvious that Mitt Romney is going to get the GOP nomination. / "Why Are They Still Running?" / video:

(title graphic and "Need to Know")

(clip of Santorum speaking)

(voice-over by Bill Scheft?): "Rick Santorum wants to keep raising awareness for conservative issues."

(clip of Newt)

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich wants to stay in the public eye and sell more books.)

(clip of Ron Paul)

(voice-over): "And Ron Paul doesn't want to return to his old life of panning for gold."

(The Treasure of the Sierra Madre clip): Walter Huston, as a geezer

(voice-over): " 'Why Are They Still Running?' "

(title graphic)

••• split screen: Dave at his monologue mark and Newt getting make-up (x2) ••• Newt Gingrich is broke. He's got no money. He'll do anything for money. Were you watching CNN today? / video: It's Newt in a bright yellow/green jacket, with a huge Velveeta® logo across his chest. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave talks about the Final Four on CBS. It's a tremendous group of teams. You have Louisville and Kentucky. By the way, how do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Is it prounounced Louisville or Louisville? "No dumbass, it's Frankfort!" Then you have KU and Ohio State.

  2. Harold Larkin and ? set up a green screen behind Dave, and he does a promo for the Final Four.

    "Hey, college basketball fans, it's me, NC Double Dave, reminding you to catch all the thrilling Final Four this Saturday, right here on CBS. Don't miss it!"

    Then Dave throws a basketball behind him, and it's a near miss for the goal at the back of the fake court.

  3. Dave pretends he's Rick Santorum, talking about bull doodoo. The Late Show aaoogah horn gets quite a workout. Here we go:
    "So, now, the other day, Rick Santorum was caught on camera talkin' to a New York Times reporter, and he said, 'No, that's bull      .' He told the New York Times guy, 'Oh, that's bull      .' Rick Santorum said that. And he said, 'Hey, that's bull      .' 'Let me tell you... let me tell you somethin', sonny boy, that's bull      .' 'Hey, college boy... you know what that is? That's bull      .' 'You know what your little daily rag newspaper is? Let me tell you somethin', pal, that's bull      .' 'Hey... hey, sonny. Hey, newsboy, read my lips. That's bull      .' "

    Dave looks over at Nancy Agostini at the producer's lectern and asks, "Now, what do we do about all those?"

••• Top Ten Other Things Rick Santorum Thinks Are Bull      . ••• Out of commercial, it's another desk chat. Dave has quite a long visit with Felicia Collins about the little, white Steinberger guitar she's playing. It's a cool exchange, and here it is:
(Dave): "Felicia Collins, ladies and gentlemen. Singing... doing a lovely job singing... playing the drums... some kind of drums. What do we call those drums?"

(Felicia): "Congas."

(Dave): "Congas! Congas!"

(Felicia): "Congas, baby."

(Dave): "Congas! Now, let's talk about the guitar. What, exactly, is that?"

(Felicia): "This is a Steinberger, I got about 25 years ago. It's the most precisely-made guitar in the world."

(Paul): "Oh... it's precise..."

(Felicia): "It will not go out of tune, even if I drop it off the roof..."

(Paul): "It's precisely-made..."

(Felicia): "...which we did once."

(Dave): "First of all, they left off the head of the damn thing. If you talk about..."

(Felicia): "Yeah, the tuners are down here."

(Dave): "Talk about precision..."

(Felicia): "Sometimes you don't need head."

(Dave): "I... you know... no disrespect to the Steinberger family. What did she say? What?"

(Felicia, laughing): "I said... I said sometimes you don't need head."

(Dave): "I didn't hear that."

(Paul): "You don't need a head. That's all. Sometimes you don't need a head. She said you could drop it off the roof."

(Dave): "I heard that, but I don't like it. Aesthetically, I don't find it pleasing."

(Paul): "Well, then, there's only one thing to do."

(Dave): "Drop it off the roof?"

(Paul): "Drop it, yeah."

(Dave): "And how about the... remember the old 'Lovin' You', the old Minnie Riperton song? Do we have that, Paul?"

(Paul, to Felicia): "Can you do that?, Felicia? If she could do it..."

(Felicia): "OF COURSE NOT!"

(Paul): "It's so high... Nobody can go up in that stratosphere."

(Felicia): "Nobody can sing like that!"

(Dave): "I can do it!"

(Paul): "You could do it?"

(Dave): "Stay tuned. Phone the neighbors! Well, anyway..."

(Felicia): "We'll do a duet."

••• Tracy Morgan plugs 30 Rock. ••• desk chat: more with Felicia Collins
(Dave): "Thank you very much. Thank you."

(Paul): "We know 'People Got to Be Free.' Thank you, David, and everybody."

(Dave): "I see we still haven't replaced the guitar."

(Sid McGinnis): "No, it's still there."

(Dave): "Did you bring a spare?"

(Felicia): "I did. I did. I was just about to replace it."

(Dave): "Let's plug in the other one. Make Daddy happy. Do you mind?"

(Felicia): "OK, Daddy."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. It's a Steinberger? Is that what it was?"

(Felicia): "Yes, Daddy."

(Dave, laughing big-time): "Oh, boy..."

••• "Alan Kalter's Lottery Corner" / Alan gets on a roll, reciting groups of possible lottery numbers. There's no point typing them all. The joke is that he won't shut up! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jim Rome plugs Rome, premiering in April. ••• The cast of Broadway's Once do a number. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

3/30/12 [3651]: monologue: Dave does a quality Elvis impression. ••• Photoshop fun: It's a heavily-tattooed Tim Tebow, with a ridiculous fauxhawk, after two days in New York. ••• [Breakthrough: The new saxophone guy, Tom Timko, finally gets with the horn section on raising his hand in the affirmative when Dave asks one of his hypothetical questions. He missed the first time, but got clued in on the second question.] ••• Dick "Kaboom" Cheney had a heart transplant on March 24. Naturally, he has to take anti-rejection drugs. We see video from ABC's This Week.

(actual This Week clip from 2/14/10)

(Jonathan Karl interviewing Dick Cheney)

(Karl): "Uh, doubling, tripling, and maybe even more... the drone attacks on tribal areas in Pakistan, of al Qaeda targets. They say that they..."

(animation): Cheney's heart, obviously rejected, falls out of him, lands on the table and bounces away.

(This Week graphic)

(voice-over): "This Week will return in a moment."

••• Will Lee does his "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream, after learning from Dave that a Jehovah's Witness is missing in Cheney's neighborhood. ••• Let's take another look at the March 26 gag about Cheney in the operating room last Saturday, a black and white clip from Frankenstein: "It's alive! It's alive! It's alive!" ••• There was to be a Mega Millions payoff tonight of half a billion dollars (gas for a year!), and we have "Mega Millions Fine Print." / video:
(doctored Mega Millions broadcast, with balls rolling out of the machine)

(voice-over): "The first number is 27. Followed by the @ symbol. Then the number 16. Up next is a cartoon rooster. Then the number 18. And finally... a meatball. Good luck, and play on, America."

••• It's Rick Santorum's British Navy clip again: "The British were the most powerful army in the world, and navy in the world. They were ruled by highly-educated, noble people. Their uniforms were crisp and stiff. They looked good." ••• Dave intros a piece listed on the cue card as "Most Memorable Instances of Politicians Using Profanity." It carries the title of "Politicans and Profanity" onscreen. / video:
(title graphic and Academy Awards music)

(voice-over): "Rick Santorum:."

(Santorum): "If I see it, it's bull      ."

(voice-over): "George W. Bush."

(Bush): "There's Adam Clymer... major league ass      ."

(voice-over): "Franklin Delano Roosevelt."

(FDR): "Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. You hear me, you whiny little       ?"

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Politicians and Profanity.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tonight's Lucky Blood Type: B+." ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, but we're not doing Weekend Late Show tomorrow."

(Bruce): "April fools! Did we get you, Dave? Ha ha ha!"

(Linda): "April Fools' Day may be Sunday, but we're gonna start the fun early, with a look at some of the greatest April Fools' Day pranks of all time."

(Bruce): "April 1st and Halloween are my two favorite holidays."

(Linda): "Now, don't you dare try to trick me! Now, of course it's springtime, which can mean trouble for allergy sufferers."

(Bruce): "I'm allergic to tree nuts. If I'm even near one, I swell up like a balloon."

(Linda): "Oh, that's such a shame. I love tree nuts. Well our health editor, Tammy Van Buskirk, is going to show us some traditional remedies for seasonal allergies. And they really work!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus outboard motor repair, preserving linens and the winning entries in our limerick writing contest. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you, Bruce. Thank you, Linda. Bruce and Linda. What a show!"

(Paul): "They do a nice job for you."

••• desk rant:
(Dave): "I just want to say something to the people... the Bill Gates people... what do they call that company? The Bill Gates people? They run a company called..."

(Paul): "Microsoft."

(Dave): "Yeah, Microsoft. I'd like to just say something to them, and I'd like to say something to the Apple people, and I knew it would come to this. And also Wikipedia. All of those people. Now they... the computer... the Internet... everybody says, 'Whoa, pornographic material.' " (slurs pornographic) "That's what they say. Mullally. Mullally. But everybody says, 'Well, how are they gonna make any money?' And they say, 'Well, you know, whenever you dial on your thing, we're gonna... there'll be commercials.' And so now, whenever they dial on a thing, there's a commercial. I wanna tell all you bigshot computer people, I never watch those commercials. I'm inured to your little commercials on my computer. I look the other way. I don't want anything to do with your little commercials. I would not... personally... would not patronize any of your sponsors on your little commercials on my computer. Whaddoyou think of that? You're wasting your time! I don't care! You have enough money. Don't run commercials. I'm tryin' to see something I wanna see. I don't want to, uh, see a commercial for Dove®." (Pause) "That's how I feel about it."

(Paul): "OK. Fair enough, sir. Fair enough."

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten list. Let's do this."

••• Top Ten Charities Under Investigation ••• Megan Mullally plugs Breaking In on FOX. She presents Dave with an oar that her husband, Nick Offerman, a guest on March 13, made for him. ••• desk chat: Dave previews the Final Four on CBS on Saturday. It's the Kentucky Wildcats vs. the Louisville Cardinals, and the Ohio State Buckeyes vs. the KU birds. ••• Bogus CBS Final Four promo: The squeaky shoes will be louder than ever. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Joe Wong does stand-up. He was terrible. Awful. He has been better in past appearances. ••• Band of Skulls sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/02/12: REPEAT FROM 1/20/12

4/03/12 [3652]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady in the audience with hoop earrings, who apparently began her visit with Dave by saying, "Hi, everybody." ••• Sometimes Dave makes up stuff and tells whoppers. For example, have a look at "Dave's 2012 NCAA Basketball Championship Prediction," in which Dave predicts last night's winner. / video:

(title graphic and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Part 2")

(Chyron): "Monday, March 12, 2012"

(Dave): "The winner of the 2012 NCAA college championship will be: Kentucky Wildcats. And by the way, here are the numbers for the Megamillions drawing: 2  4  23  38  46, and the Megaball number: 23. Good luck!"

(title graphic)

(Dave): "See? I predicted it! It's uncanny, isn't it?"

(Paul): "It's right on tape. So you're saying, then, that you were... excuse me for interrupting, but you were wearing then the exact, same suit and tie, and your hair was exactly the same on March 12? Same..."

(Dave): "Holy crap! What a coincidence!"

••• CBS has the Masters Golf Tournament. Coverage begins on Thursday, and CBS is the place to be. / video:
(Masters graphic and clips, with birds chirping, of course)

(voice-over): "The 2012 Masters Tournament is here, and CBS is your home for both live, final-round coverage and early-round crouching highlights."

(clips): golfers crouching to line up their shots

(voice-over): "CBS Sports. Catch the excitement!"

(title graphic)

••• Sarah Palin was guest co-host on Today this morning on NBC. / video:
(Today graphic)

(voice-over): "This morning on Today, Sarah Palin guest hosts, Wilson Phillips performs, Tori Spelling discusses baby number four, Christie Brinkley stops by for the second time in a week, and Star Jones discusses whether Jessica Simpson is too fat."

(CBS This Morning graphic)

(voice-over): "That's why you should watch CBS This Morning. Check local listings."

(clip): Charlie Rose with a black eye

••• "George W. Bush: Endorser" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clips of politicians)

(voice-over): "March 21st. Former Florida governor Jeb Bush endorsed Mitt Romney for president."

(graphic): "ENDORSED"

(voice-over): "On March 29th: Former president George H. W. Bush and his wife, Barbara, also endorsed Mitt Romney."

(graphic): "ENDORSED"

(voice-over): "And earlier today, former president George W. Bush endorsed Taco Bell's new Doritos Locos® taco. George W. Bush."

(graphic): "ENDORSED"

(George W. Bush): "Are you having burritos for lunch."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Cut to Alan, nowhere to be seen. / Alan: "Sorry, I just dropped my sandwich." ••• Mitt Romney is about to select a running mate. / video:

(female voice-over): "Mitt Romney promises the process for choosing his running mate will be deliberative and exhaustive, to ensure a candidate is selected as impressive as the past four vice-presidential nominees. John Edwards."

(male voice-over): "UNDER FEDERAL INDICTMENT."

(female voice-over): "Sarah Palin."

(male voice-over): "GUILTY OF ETHICS VIOLATIONS."

(female voice-over): "Dick Cheney."

(male voice-over): "SHOT OLD GUY IN FACE."

(female voice-over): "Joe Biden."

(Joe Biden): "Thank you, uh, Dr. Pepper."

(female voice-over): "Paid for by Romney 2012."

••• Top Ten Questions Received by the Marshmallow Peeps Hotline / #1: Chick or bunny: What would Jesus eat? ••• Keith Olbermann, who was just unloaded from his $50,000,000 job with Current TV, explains his side of the story. He tells Dave,
"You know, if you buy a $10,000,000 chandelier, you should have a house to put it in. Just walking around with a $10,000,000 chandelier isn't going to do anybody a lot of good, and it's not going to do any good to the chandelier. And then it turned out we didn't have a lot to put the house in.. to put the chandelier in, or a building permit. And I... I should have known that. And it's, it is, it is my fault, at heart."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Keith Olbermann, who later tweeted,
"Lots of fun w/the best interviewer in the business - including when it gets serious. Always an honor, David"
••• Allison Williams plugs Girls on HBO. She's Brian Williams' beautiful daughter. I thought she was a great guest, and extensively easy on the eyes. ••• Lukas Nelson and the Promise of the Real sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Mindi Abair is sitting in on saxophone for the first time.]

4/04/12 [3653]: Back without popular demand: It's the animation of Mitt Romney's dog. ••• "Mitt + Mustache" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney."

(Mitt sings "America the Beautiful.")

(voice-over): "+ a mustache ="

(clip): Tony Orlando, with a mustache, sings "God Bless America."

(doctored clip of Mitt with a mustache): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Here's a very special treat. For many years now, it seems, we've been treated to the clip of Mitt Romney singing in an unspecified foreign language. Apparently it's Norwegian, and tonight we see the lyrics. / video:
(clip): Mitt singing

(Chyron lyrics):


••• "How CBS This Morning Boosted Its Ratings" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Charlie Rose interviews top newsmakers after boxing a kangaroo."

(clip): some guy boxing a kangaroo and losing

(clip of Charlie Rose with a black eye): "In a moment, former Secretary of the Treasury Lawrence Summers."

(voice-over): "This was 'How CBS This Morning Boosted Its Ratings.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "IRS Fun Facts" ("Sorry. There are no facts about the IRS that are fun. Stand by.") ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy Easter weekend. What are your plans, Bruce?"

(Bruce): "Well, my daughter's with my mom this weekend, and I'm looking forward to putting my feet up and watching basketball."

(Linda): "My twins are so excited for their Easter baskets they can hardly stand it! And here's more excitement: Wink Wilson is going to introduce us to a woman who makes the most incredible Easter eggs, with ornate designs, celebrities and all sorts of things on them."

(Bruce, very proud of himself): "Egg... cellent! Also, in keeping with the holiday, our meteorologist, Uncle Mike Sullivan, made a surprise appearance as an Easter bunny at a local junior high. Our camera was there."

(Linda): "But we haven't forgotten the reason for the season. Father Don Brennan will be here to deliver a special Saturday sermon, to commemorate Easter."

(Bruce): "All that, plus pot pie recipes, tarot card readings and five things you should always keep in your glove compartment. Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "That's exciting."

••• desk chat (after the TTL is opened): It's allergy season, and meteorlogists are reporting record pollen counts. Dave isn't allergic to anything. Nothing. It's one of two things: 1) nonexistent, or 2) a sign of weakness. Dave likes to find something that puts him in a false position of superiority. Dave tells us home viewers, "You must just be weak. That's how I roll." Finally, Dave informs us, "Each time you yank a hair out of your nose, you will sneeze." One last thing: A sneeze travels 100 MPH. ••• Top Ten Sneezes (#10: Sherman Grossman, the monkey, sneezing) ••• Kiefer Sutherland plugs Touch on Fox. He's a great guest, as always. The interview begins with a recap of his last appearance on 1/13/10, when he wore a dress because he lost a bet on the New England Patriots. What did he learn from this? Bet money. Tonight he's wearing a fine suit. ••• Eugene Levy plugs American Reunion, the latest of the American Pie movies. (Don't worry, this one has Stifler, too.) Anyway, we learn that Eugene is a frequent kidney stone sufferer. He tells us all about getting a stone on the day when he was presented the Order of Canada. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Eugene Levy ••• The Punch Brothers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Mindi Abair is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/05/12: REPEAT FROM 2/21/12

4/06/12: REPEAT FROM 1/31/12

4/09/12 [3654]: Everybody in the audience gets a new car! (as far as you know) ••• monologue: "Bad news for the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie, celebrating Easter. Did you hear about this? They rushed him to the hospital early Sunday morning with an impacted Peep®." ••• Will Lee's "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream (x2) ••• The Masters golf tournament was seen on CBS over recent days. It came down to a playoff. / video:

(Masters clip): Louis Oosthuizen, lining up a shot

(voice-over): "Only two men left standing at the 2012 Masters tournament. If he plays it right, this could clench the jacket for Louie Oostoozer, uh... Louis Ostozzen, uh... Austheisen?... Ostnotsser?... Istnitzer."

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "We'll be back with more of the Masters on CBS."

••• Today is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. (It was a famous boat that Leonardo DiCaprio sailed on.) The movie Titanic was released in 1997. Now it's being re-released in 3-D. Dave tells a classic joke from 1997 (in 3-D):
(FX): We don't have our 3-D glasses on, so Dave looks blurry.)

(Dave): "Al Gore... Vice-President Al Gore, wants to spend some taxpayer dollars to study El Niño. President Clinton wants to spend some taxpayer dollars to study Elle Macpherson."

••• Donald Trump says Rick Santorum should get out of the presidential race with dignity. Talk about dignity... if anybody knows about dignity, it's Donald Trump. / video: Donald Trump beats up Vince McMahon on the floor beside a wrestling ring at WrestleMania 23. ••• Newt Gingrich's campaign is about $5,000,000 in debt. / "Gingrich Campaign's Ill-Advised Expenses" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "Rib-dispensing podium."

(clip): Newt's at a lectern, speaking, when an automatic gadget rises from the lectern and delivers a rib for Newt to gnaw on.

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "This has been a comedy segment."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "True or False?": "We're coming right back. It's true!" ••• Biff Henderson comes out to set up his annual "Biff at Yankees Spring Training." / video:
(title graphic)

Biff visits with Reggie Jackson, Joba Chamberlain, Francisco Cervelli, Curtis Granderson, David Robertson, Andy Pettitte, David Wells, Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, Manager Joe Girardi, Nick Swisher, Mariano Rivera, Tino Martinez, Robinson Cano, Derek Jeter, a look at Nick Swisher's typical day off, and Hiroki Kuroda. He cracked up several Yankees by showing him a catcher's mitt wearing a dark wig. Its name is Mitt Romney.

(title graphic)

••• Ricky Gervais plugs The Ricky Gervais Show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Cobie Smulders plugs The Avengers. Her full name is Jacoba Francisca Maria Smulders, and it wasn't mentioned that she's about the age of Late Night, having been born in early 1982. ••• Tennis sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.] ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Other North Korean Technologies in Development]

4/10/12 [3655]: Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. The movie Titanic was released in 1997. Now it's being re-released in 3-D. Dave tells a classic joke from 1997 (in 3-D): "Last week a woman in Iowa gave birth to septuplets. That's not a delivery. That's a shipment!" ••• "Great Moments in Supreme Court History" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "In the 1978 case of the Exxon Corporation vs. the governor of Maryland, a 4-4 split ruling resulted when one of the nine Supreme Court justices fell ill. The case was settled in favor of the plaintiff, upon completion of a courtroom dance-off."

(movie scene): A man is dancing on a table in a courtroom.

(voice-over) "Great Moments in Supreme Court History' is sponsored by..."

(Enjoli® perfume ad): "And I'm a woman! Enjoli."

(title graphic)

••• Dave has another walk down memory lane, with the doctored clip from 1/04/12 of Governor Chris Christie assembling a sandwich during one of his speeches. ••• "Staying in Shape on the Campaign Trail" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Barack Obama does push-ups. Newt Gingrich does sit-ups."

(clip): a walrus doing sit-ups

(music): Olivia Newton-John's "Physical"

(voice-over): "This has been a 'Newt Gingrich Fat Joke.' "

("Newt Gingrich Fat Joke" graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave wants to talk golf. He's played just a few times. He's no good, and tonight he's interviewing the Masters champion.

  2. Dave points to stage left, where his assistant, Mary Barclay, is presently standing. He demonstrates a nod he gave her about a hundred times, then her response. It was one of those upward nods the cool guys do. Mary looked behind her to see who he was nodding at.

  3. Dave has a new Facebook app that makes Paul look like a geezer, makes Alan Kalter look old, puffy and weird, and leaves Dave looking like himself.
••• We see a new Top Ten List opening montage tonight. ••• Top Ten Words Rarely Used to Describe Mitt Romney ••• Bubba Watson, who won the 2012 Masters on Sunday, tells about his experience in Augusta. ••• Dave introduces Sean Hayes, tonight's second guest. What? Where is he? He's home watching TV, that's where. He sees his introduction on CBS (because the Late Show is shown live, we're supposed to believe). Sean jumps into action, decides on a suit, cleans up and heads for New York to plug The Three Stooges. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Shooter Jennings sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/11/12 [3656]: monologue:

"Oh! CBS, God bless them, has invited me, and we agreed... we'll be staying here a little bit longer, two more years here at CBS." (thunderous applause) "No, no no. Wait a minute. They didn't exactly invite me to stay. It was more like, 'I don't know... I don't wanna tell him. You wanna tell him? Two more years, plus 800 hours of community service. So... I'll be ready to go. And then... then when I'm done here at the show, I'll start the DAVE network."
••• For no special reason, other than it's fun to visit the archives, it's Richard Milhous Nixon playing piano. He plays Jerry Lee Lewis's "Great Balls of Fire," and before long the grand piano is engulfed in flames. Where's the Secret Service during an incident like this? ••• monologue:
Dave senses that something is amiss. He asks the audience for silence as he approaches the Dave Dorsett Memorial Camera to investigate. Dave shouts, "Hey!" Cut to a guy at home who's fallen asleep during the monologue. That'll teach him!
••• The GOP presidential race is now down to Newton, Ron and Mitten. Newt's campaign is in debt, which brings us to "Gingrich Campaign's Ill-Advised Expenses." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(voice-over): "Pulsating Double-Chin Massager™."

(animation): Newt's seated at a table, addressing an issue, when a Pulsating Double-Chin Massager™ rises up to chin level and gives him a fine massage.

(voice-over): "This comedy segment is made possible by viewers like you."

(title graphic)

••• Here's Newt Gingrich, working hard to stay in shape. / video: a walrus doing sit-ups, to the tune of Olivia Newton-John's "Physical" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Imagine if there were a wacky sound effect right now. That would be hilarious! I'm chuckling, just thinking about it." ••• desk chat: Dave's very excited about tonight's guest duo. It's as exciting as when Nancy Reagan walked on and did a spit take! ••• Larry Bird and Earvin "Magic" Johnson visit with Dave in multiple segments. They were big-time rivals in the NBA, and have become close friends over the years. It was a great interview. Tonight, a Broadway play, Magic/Bird, opened at the Longacre Theater, 220 West 48th St. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jim Gaffigan interview ••• Kaiser Chiefs sing. ••• with credits: The guy Dave woke up is asleep again. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.] ••• [edited from tonight's telecast: Top Ten Other Warren Buffett Rules]

4/12/12 [3657]: [IT'S DAVE'S 65th BIRTHDAY!] ••• For Daddy's birthday, we have a fun compilation of the latest politician clips. Let's begin with Rick Santorum, shall we? / video: It's bull    !" ••• How about a song from Mitt Romney? / video:

(clip): Mitt singing

(Chyron lyrics):


••• Dave never wears a watch during tapings of the show, but early on we notice that he has a large device on his left wrist. We begin to hear a low-fidelity version of Creative Director-Digital Media Jay Johnson's voice, in a concerned tone, as Dave looks around, trying to figure out where it's coming from:
(Jay): "Mr. Letterman, are... you... alright?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(Jay): "Do... you... need... assistance, Mr. Letterman?"

(Dave): "What?"

(Jay): "Are you OK?"

(Dave): "Who is that? Paul?"

(Jay): "Can you hear me?"

(Dave): "What? Who?"

(Jay): "Are you there, Mr. Letterman?"

(Dave): "Alan? What is that? Hello?"

(Jay): "Can you hear my voice?"

(Dave): "Who? Yes!"

(Jay): "Is everything OK?"

(Dave, to Paul): "Is he talking to me?"

(Jay): "Hello?"

(Dave): "Hello."

(Jay): "Mr. Letterman?"

(Dave): "Yes. This is Mr. Letterman."

(Jay): "Are you OK?"

(Dave): "I'm fine. Thank you!"

(Jay): "Are you having trouble breathing?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry?"

(Jay): "Are you having trouble breathing?"

(Dave): "No!"

(Dave, to Paul): "Is that you, Paul?"

(Paul): "No, it's not. What are you...?"

(Jay): "Is your pulse racing?"

(Dave): "My pulse? No, I'm fine. Who is... who is this?"

(Jay): "Are you sweating?"

(Dave): "No... Well, a little..."

(Jay): "Any vertigo or dizziness?"

(Dave): "Wait a minute. Wait a minute! You know what this is? I got this... my staff... You know what this is? It's a LifeAlert® thing. I'm sorry. I must have..."

(Jay): "Are you sure you're OK?"

(Dave): "No. I hit the thing by mistake. I'm fine."

(Jay): "Can you tell me who the president is?"


(Jay): "Well... Be careful."

(Dave): "Alright. Thank you very much. I will."

A bit later in the monologue, Dave will intentionally set off the LifeAlert® to report that he's dying.

••• There supposedly is some thought that the captain of the Titanic might have been drinking and impaired on that fateful night 100 yeas ago. / "Final Transmission of Captain Edward Smith" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(slurred voice-over): "This your captain speaking. We'll reach a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. The weather in El Paso is 83 degrees. Sit back and enjoy the flight."

(title graphic)

••• There's a cruise that's recreating the voyage of the Titanic. Let's see how they're doing. / video: The Titanic is just a ship's length from a big, white iceberg. Wait. What? It's an even-more-titanic sea bass, and it eats the famous ship in one gulp. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, then,
(Alan): "And now, my impression of Late Show staffer Mike McIntee."

(Mike McIntee as Alan as Mike): "Hey, everybody, it's me, Mike McIntee."

(Alan): "Ha ha! Pretty good, huh? We'll be right back."

(me): This is excellent. Mike probably earned enough for this voice-over to pay for the $300 fleecing he got the other day, trying to get duplicate keys made for the car he got for Danielle and Dominique.

••• desk chat: It's almost April 15, and Dave has a bit of a rant about tax forms. There's page after page of mysterious documents to sign. Dave's accountant, Fred Nigro, has agreed to come over with everything Dave needs to sign. / interruption: The Man on Fire, Don H. Hewitt, as Fred Nigro, runs around with a flaming stack of tax forms. ••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage ••• Dave has a rant about sayings he hates.
  • "I don't want to be that guy, but..."

  • asking and answering your own questions: "Would I like to have been on the Titanic? No."

  • "You think?"
••• Top Ten Things I, Dave, Hoped to Do by the Time I Turned 65 / #1: Betty White ••• Billy Crystal plugs Parental Guidance. ••• desk chat: Dave wonders about a football player he can't name. Who was that, anyway? This leads to an extended skit: behind-the-scenes scrambling by staff to obtain the information.
Government authorities eventually become involved. We hear Lalo Schifrin's soundtrack for the scene from Dirty Harry where Clint Eastwood is scurrying around San Francisco to deliver ransom money. Eventually a call is made to Dave to get the answer. No! He's the one who asked in the first place! Then cameraman Al Cialino tells Dave he's thinking of Bronco Nagurski.
••• Alabama Shakes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/13/12 [3658]: "CBS News Special Report" / video:

(graphic and "Breaking Now")

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. On the heels of Fox News discovering the mole who was feeding unflattering inside information to the liberal media, CBS has also located an employee who has been damaging the reputation of its network.

(Dave, waving): "Yeah. Hi. It's me."

(voice-over and graphic): "We now return you to a show, already in progress."

••• Dave has prepared an impression himself on his birthday weekend.
Mr. Letterman clears his throat. He turns away from the audience and the North American viewing public to get into character. He checks his hair, then turns 180° to begin a performance of his dumb guy character. "Uhhh, one senior for Three Stooges, please." The audience responds with thunderous applause.
••• Tonight's audience shout out is tied to Dave's impression. A lady has labored to produc an 18" x 24" piece of paper, on which is inscribed, "Happy Birthday Dave!!" Dave says, "I've seen better work in ransom notes!" ••• The Gingrich campaign is having money troubles. / video:
(clips of Newton)

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich is a true conservative, who knows how to get America back on track. Make the right choice: Newt Gingrich in 2012. Attention stations: Don't deposit check until a week from Friday."

(Newt clip): "I'm Newt Gingrich, and I approve this message."

••• You've got to be in shape to be President of the United States. Look at home video of Newt working out: It's a walrus doing sit-ups, to Olivia Newton-John's "Physical," with his wife at his side, motivating him with a bucket of fish. ••• monologue:
(Dave): "A lot of myth and legend about the Titanic. They say that the ship orchestra... the band... played as the ship went down. And I thought, 'Big deal. That happens here many nights!' "

(Dave, looking at Paul): "Right? You've done that here?"

(Paul): "I'm fine if we have to."

(Dave): "Yeah. Sure."

••• Mitt Romney's trying to broaden his appeal to women. He was seen on PBS earlier today. / video:
(clip): Mitt is speaking in front of a large American flag.

(Mitt): "So join me. Walk together. Take another step, every day, until November 6th."

(me): Uh oh. I don't have a good feeling about this.

(animation): Mitt takes off his tie. He unbuttons his shirt.

(background music): It's Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."

(picture mercifully goes to snow)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hi Mitch. Glad to have you watching. Oh, sorry, you look like someone I know named Mitch." ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, before we get any farther down the road, let's check in now with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Kids, take it away!"

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Are your income taxes done? Only three more days to get them in the mail."

(Bruce): "I've got to start using the Internet to file my taxes, because those forms are too confusing!"

(Linda): "Well, don't send them off until you've watched the Weekend Late Show, because Danny Mackenzie, our Dollars and Sense reporter, will show you some simple tax deductions most people overlook."

(Bruce): "I'm glad I waited until the last minute. Also, our "Spring into Fitness" series continues with an introduction to Pilates. Wear some loose-fitting clothing, and follow along with us at home."

(Linda): "Pilates seems so exotic. I'm excited!" Now, who doesn't love fresh herbs in their soups and salads? But can you ever use up all those herbs before they wilt and go bad? We'll step into the Cookery Nook, and look at ways to keep those herbs fresher, longer."

(Bruce): "Is cinnamon an herb or a spice? I love cinnamon!"

(Linda): "Mmm. Cinnamon is wonderful! It's a spice, I think. All that, plus decorating your workspace, budget travel destinations and fiber-rich diets, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda. They have such a wonderful show!"

(Paul): "They have a nice rapport, too."

(Dave): "I think it's... I thought about this. 'Why is it that they have so much on their show, and we have barely anything?'

(Paul): "I don't know..."

(Dave): "And it occurred to me that they're just once a week. They're the Weekend Late Show. We've gotta do it five nights a week."

(Paul): "Sure. That's the reason."

••• Ten area accountants present the Top Ten Signs Your Accountant Is Dumb. / #7: "Your accountant is so dumb, he went into 'tax accounting' thinking he'd get to stuff dead animals." [Presenting are Andrew Rubin, Lou Defalco, Adele Valenzuela, Lou Demars, Harvey Tanton, Andrew Ross, Mark Morrow, Ann Timney, Richard Koenigsberg and Doug Cohen.] ••• desk chat: Dave used to go the dentist just for the x-rays. ••• Julia Louis-Dreyfus plugs Veep. Out of commercial: Julia has taken over Dave's desk for the remainder of her interview. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Keith Alberstadt does stand-up. ••• Bonnie Raitt sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/16/12: REPEAT FROM 3/01/12

4/17/12: REPEAT FROM 3/19/12

4/18/12: REPEAT FROM 3/20/12

4/19/12: REPEAT FROM 3/12/12

4/20/12: REPEAT FROM 3/27/12

4/23/12 [3659]: A guy in Logansport, Indiana can control a drone that's flying around Iran. Oops. One got shot down. Iran reverse engineered it to build their own drone, and we have footage of their first test. / "Iran's Test Drone" / animation: The contraption shakes and smokes for a few seconds, and out pop two fine-looking pieces of toast. ••• "Mitt Romney: Man of the People" / video:

(title graphic and sappy theme music)

(clip of Mitt)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney owns this horse."

(clip): A horse is prancing around on its tiptoes. It looks like a sissy, if you ask me. A red rubber stamp, "FACT" shows up onscreen.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Mitt Romney: Man of the People.' "

(title graphic)

(me): This clip isn't going away anytime soon.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, compulsive coin swallowers: Anyone else think the 2012 dimes don't taste as good?" ••• desk chat:
Harry Letterman seems to have become a wise guy. He called Daddy a dumbbell the other day. Dave responded by saying that no matter what, he'll always love him, and nothing can change that. Harry responded, "I'll think of something!"
••• On the April 16 episode of Hannity, Bob Beckel said "      ." Yes, you heard me right. This brings us to "Fox News Clip of the Night," where we see Beckel and Hannity debating whether or not the    bomb was heard on the air. ••• Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game vs. the Seattle Mariners on April 21. / Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Philip Humber's Mind During His Perfect Game ••• Jason Segel plugs The Five-Year Engagement. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave and Paul pay their respects to Levon Helm, who passed away at 71 on April 19. The CBSO has music in his honor tonight.

  2. Earlier Dave asked Nancy Agostini to get Philip Humber on the phone, because he forgot to ask him about his yacker, which means breaking ball. Philip says it, "was tremendous."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and Alan's new quiz show, "Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft" ••• Zach Wahls discusses his new book, My Two Moms. ••• FUN. sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/24/12 [3660]: monologue:

"I know I don't have to tell you folks this, but you know what it is this week? Have any idea? It's Earth Week. Earth Week. Yup. So... so we're doing tonight's show with very little energy. We're using our solar-powered applause sign, ladies and gentlemen. Not only that... my hairpiece is 100% hemp. Thank you very much."
••• Tonight's audience shout out is to people from Melbourne, Australia. ••• The Nets are moving to Brooklyn. / "Great Moments in New Jersey Nets History" / video:
(title graphic and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2")

(clip): A player shoots (and makes) a free throw.

(title graphic)

••• Will Lee does his famous "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. (FX: thunder and lightning!) ••• "Mitt Romney Running Mate Watch" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): a smiling Mitt Romney beside a man with a huge question mark covering his face

(voice-over): "While we don't yet know who Mitt Romney will select, there is precedent for a running mate with a large question mark on his face."

(Photoshop fun): Levi Morton with a giant question mark birthmark on his face

(voice-over): "Levi Morton, Vice President from 1889 to 1893. This has been 'Mitt Romney Running Mate Watch.' Thanks for joining us."

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Romney isn't doing well with Latino voters. How will he respond? / video:
(Mitt clip)

(voice-over): "In an effort to appeal to Latino voters, Mitt Romney has softened his stance on illegal immigration. He will continue to meet with Hispanic community leaders, and he will also be taking lessons from this guy."

(clip): Mayor Michael Bloomberg, speaking Spanish

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: ¿Que?"

••• Odd Dave: Dave does a bird call with his hands. ••• Back by no demand whatsoever: It's the clip of Mitt Romney's dog. ••• "Presidents and Their Dogs" / video:
(title graphic and Academy Awards music)

(voice-over): "Lyndon Johnson shocked reporters by lifting his beagle by the ears. George W. Bush horrified children by dropping Barney on his head. And Jimmy Carter once addressed the nation while sitting on his dog, Grits."

(clip and animation): "I will use my presidential authority..." We hear Grits yelping, as his tail is wagging under the President.

(voice-over): "This has been a little skit."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Sometimes Dave wonders what nationalities make up his audiences, but to ask people outright might be illegal profiling. What to do? Once again, the CBSO comes to the rescue, as they perform the Latvian national anthem. One gentleman in the balcony stands and holds his hand over his heart.

  2. Dave's dog, Sully, urped up a deer hoof recently.
••• Top Ten Programs on Dog TV (with Nathan Lane talking to a doggie) ••• desk chat: It's another look at Sully's deer hoof. ••• Amy Poehler plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave shows the deer hoof again, and the usual photo of the very fierce, drooling Sully.

  2. What are the veterinarian fees for removing some items doggies consume?

    • doll head: $1,104  (Late Show "yes" bell)

    • lobster tail: $1,310  (Late Show "yes" bell)

    • rubber ball: $1,418  (Late Show "yes" bell)

    • corn cob: $1,915  (Late Show "yes" bell)

    • socks: $2,000 / changed to $2,200  (Late Show "yes" bell)

    • chicken bone: $2,700  (Late Show "yes" bell)

    • deer hoof: $0.00 (Just barf it up!)  (Late Show "yes" bell) (x7)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Bear Species of the Night": Asiatic Black Bear ••• Wendy Williams plugs The Wendy Williams Show. ••• Trampled by Turtles sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone.]

4/25/12 [3661]: [Daddy's tie is way too long.] ••• We get the first of several looks at Dave's understudy: A well-dressed, humorless geezer is standing by backstage. ••• "CBS Breaking News Update" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "In the wake of the Colombian Secret Service scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House, and demoted to protecting the Animatronic presidents at Disney World."

(title graphic)

••• Dave's understudy ••• The Iranians captured an American drone. They won't let us have it back. / video:
(clip of a drone)

(Arab voice-over): "American infidels: We have studied your drone aircraft, mastered the technology, and are now capable of producing copies of our own. But that is not all. In conjunction with the Franklin Mint and Desilu Productions, we are copying Lucille Ball's most stylish fashions on limited-edition collectible dolls. These are identical to the outfits Lucy wore, down to the list detail. Order today. (Outside Tehran, toll free) 011-080-IRAN-LOVE-LUCY."

(animation): "Iran" is spelled out in cursive onscreen, just like Desilu was.

••• Dave's understudy ••• "Are They Better Off Now Than They Were Four Years Ago?" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): Osama bin Laden

(Chyron): "NO"

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• Dave says that Senator Rob Portman (R-OH) is the insider's pick as Mitten Romney's running mate. Oh, boy, here comes the Ben Bernanke routine. Teenage girls in the balcony scream in ecstasy. They have clearly misunderstood Dave to say, "Justin Bieber." This bit will henceforce be listed as Senator Portman's Teen Screamers. Unfortunately, it probably wouldn't work out for Mitten to select the lovely liberal, Natalie Portman. ••• "CBS Breaking News Update" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "A Secret Service agent has just been relieved of his duty at Walt Disney World's Hall of Presidents, after he was discovered having inappropriate relations with an Animatronic hooker."

(title graphic)

••• Well, it seems as if Newton Gingrich is out of the GOP race. About six weeks ago, he was at the St. Louis Zoo, and was bitten by a penguin. Just look at this:
(clip): Newt at the zoo

(serious voice-over): "Newt Gingrich, politician, visiting a zoo while campaigning for president. Then, a bite from a viscious penguin alters his body chemistry. And now, when Newt Gingrich grows angry, a startling metamorphosis occurs."

(Photoshop fun): Newt now has a penguin beak and arms.

(serious voice-over): "The Incredible Newt-Guin."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Coming this fall to the WB."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Political Did You Know?": Newt Gingrich's chins are named Patience and Fortitude." ••• desk chat: All day, Dave was looking forward to introducing his understudy. Then he just magically appeared. Was Dave having one of his spells? He does introduce the understudy, as is now feeling a little bit better. ••• Uh oh. Watch out. Alan Kalter has an update on the presidential race. Take it away, Alan.
(Alan): "According to news reports, following a disappointing series of finishes, Newt Gingrich is expected to suspend his presidential run. This has been 'Alan Kalter's Who Gives a       .' 'Alan Kalter's Who Gives a       ' is sponsored by Rosetta Stone®. Learn a new language in an hour — guaranteed. Back to you, Dave."
••• In 2011, Deborah Stevens of Hicksville, New York donated a kidney to save her boss, who fired her shortly thereafter. / Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is a Jerk ••• desk chat:
It's more about Dave not getting to introduce his understudy, and getting "sideways" as a result. Here's more fuel on the fire: Rob Lowe, in to plug Knife Fight, strolls onstage without Dave's usual introduction.
••• A couple of days ago, Sully Letterman urped up a deer hoof. / "Guess What the Dog Swallowed?" /
(Dave): "So we're gonna show you an x-ray, and then we'll try to guess what the dog swallowed. Alan, what are we playing for tonight?"

(Alan): "Dave, we're playing for a new riding mower!"

(Dave): "OK, that's a beauty. Thank you very much. Alright, here we go. (shows the x-ray) Here's what it is. Paul, what do you think? This is an x-ray of an actual dog."

(Paul): "I can see that. I think that it's like a piece of tinfoil."

(Dave): "Piece of tinfoil?"

(Paul): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Hard to tell just exactly how large that is."

(Paul): "Yeah, it is."

(Dave): "It looks like it could be... I'm gonna say cell phone. Cell phone."

(Paul): "So you're gonna say cell phone. Three-dimensional depth and..."

(Dave): "Yeah. That's what it might look like. Alan, tell us. What did the dog swallow?"

(Alan): "Dave, the dog, Nero, a Doberman-Great Dane mix, swallowed a Nokia® cell phone!"

(Dave): "Hey!!"

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell.

(Alan): "I'm told Nero's OK!"

••• Governor Brian Schweitzer of Montana ••• The War on Drugs sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is on saxophone.]


4/26/12 [3662]: Tonight's audience shout out is to fans in striped shirts. ••• Dave calls cue card technician Tony Mendez to his mark to offer some advice to Mitten Romney, who isn't polling well with Latino voters.

(Dave): "Boy, you smell like ink! Do you have any advice for Mitt Romney, as a Latino yourself?"

(Tony's advice is in Spanish. Here is the translation.): "What I like about Mitt Romney is when he sings that goofy        song."

(Mitt sings the Norwegian song that is well-documented here.)

••• What's going on at Alan Kalter's perch? There's an 80-ish gentleman seated beside him. /
(Dave): "Hi, Alan."

(Alan): "Hey, Dave.

(Dave): "Excuse me. Who is, uh... it looks like you have a friend with you. Who is that gentleman sitting next to you there?"

(Alan): "Well, as you know, Dave, today is Take Your Child to Work Day. This is my son, Darryl."

(Dave): "Daryl. You know, Alan... that's great. Hi, Darryl. I didn't know you had a son, Alan."

(Alan): "Well, Darryl's from my second marriage, right out of grad school. Sometime, Dave, you'll have to meet his half-sister from my first marriage."

(Dave): "Well, that's OK. Have fun, Darryl."

••• Tony Mendez returns to Dave's mark to offer more advice to Mitten Romney.
(Dave): "Tony, come on up. Do you have anything else for Mitt Romney?"

(Tony): "Si. What I like about Mitt Romney is the crazy        dancing horse."

(clip): It's that sissy horse that prances around like it's hot stuff. Ha! I warned you on April 23 that we'd be seeing a lot more of this clip.

••• Vice-President Biden's at it again. / video:
(Biden): "Now is the time to heed the timeless advice from Teddy Roosevelt: 'Speak softly and carry a big stick.' End of quote. I promise you... the president has a big stick."
••• Back by no demand: Mitt singing in Norwegian again ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and an "Infrastructure Fun Fact" on the Hoover Dam Gift Shop ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about his hometown Indianapolis Colts, Peyton Manning and the presumptive #1 NFL draft pick, Andrew Luck. Did you know that the entire Baltimore Colts team was kidnapped and brought to Indy? Me neither. ••• GOP primary voting took place in five Northeastern states this week, so it was hard for anyone to catch everything that was going on. We're fortunate enough to have an update here on the Late Show.
(voice-over): "Mitt Romney delivered a rousing victory speech after winning all five primaries Tuesday night, while Newt Gingrich spent 20 minutes addressing the cashier of a North Carolina Golden Corral."

(It's the Gov. Chris Christie gag, this time on Mitt, as someone else's body pours gravy on his meal while Newt's talking to the cashier.)

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich: Hey, you gotta be in it to win it."

••• The first case of Mad Cow disease in six years was found in a dairy cow in California recently. / Top Ten Lesser-Known Animal Ailments / #1: sprained blowhole ••• Robin Williams ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave interviews Andrew Luck, two-time All-American, who will report to Radio City Music Hall tonight to be drafted #1 by the Colts. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is on saxophone.]

4/27/12 [3663]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent who apparently doesn't realize that Daddy hasn't presented a canned ham to an audience member in many moons. "You heard the Dodgers left Brooklyn, didn't you?" Dave asks. ••• A case of mad cow disease was confirmed in California on April 24. The FDA has an announcement. / video:

(clip): cows in a feed yard

(voice-over): "A single case of mad cow disease has been confirmed in the U.S. The animal was not in the food chain, and there is no danger to consumers. As a precaution, the FDA is now screening cattle for all forms of mental illness, including phobias, depression, social anxiety and crowing like a rooster."

(FX): a rooster crowing

(graphic): FDA logo

(voice-over): "The FDA. That's our logo."

••• Stage manager Frank Comito delivers a fine ham sandwich to the man in the audience. "Try to tune in in another 18 years, will ya?" Dave grumbles. ••• monologue:
"Oh! Politics... Mitt Romney... maybe you heard this announcement. Mitt Romney is trying to appeal to Latinos. Apparently Latinos and women are having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney, so he's doing more things to appeal to Latino voters. Today he tied a chihuahua to the roof of his car. That's what he did."
••• Back by no popular demand whatsoever, it's the "Mitt Romney's dog" animation. ••• "Things Never Before Said by a Senator" / video:
(title graphic and action-adventure movie music)

(clip): Senator Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) speaking to the NRA: "In that great movie, Spaceballs..."

(title graphic and action-adventure movie music)

••• It's been a while. We see the C-SPAN video from 12/21/11 of Congressman Barney Frank wearing that shirt that shows off his hooters. ••• Newt Gingrich will drop out of the Republican race next week. Dave asks us to "take a look at an announcement I saw." He sort of stumbled on the intro, and asks Tony Mendez to show us the cue card, which reads as follows:


(clip of Newt)

(voice-over): "According to reports, Newt Gingrich will officially suspend his presidential campaign next Tuesday. Today, Newt congratulated Mitt Romney on his impending victory, then gave a heartfelt thanks to his campaign manager, Carl."

(photo): a crazy-looking bastard named Carl, who is heard groaning

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich: We'll Miss You Buddy."

(title graphic)

••• "Using Up Our Newt Gingrich Fat Jokes" / video:
(title graphic and goofy music)

(voice-over): "Newt Gingrich exercising."

(clip): a walrus on a floor, exercising

(music): Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend"

(voice-over): "This has been 'A Newt Gingrich Fat Joke.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Alan is wielding a yellow flyswatter. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "You know, before we really get up a head of steam here on the Late Show, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what they have planned on the Weekend Late Show. Kids... take it away!"

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy Arbor Day. Can you believe April is almost over?"

(Bruce): "Spring is flying by too fast! Mayday! Mayday!"

(Linda): "Well, Mayday's not 'til Tuesday, Bruce, but we're going to continue celebrating Arbor Day tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show. Jim Dingledein of Dingledein Nurseries is coming by to plant a new tree outside our studio. I hope you're ready to do some shoveling!"

(Bruce): "You know I'm much better at supervising. We'll also have the last installment of our National Frog Month series, "Gone to the Frogs," where we'll learn about our amphibian friends native to our area. I never knew there were so many!"

(Linda): "And our Man on the Street, Wink Wilson, visits a local craftsman who can turn almost any object into a lamp."

(Bruce): "All that, plus steak sauce recipes, home schooling your children, and the safe way to siphon gas, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda. The Weekend Late Show, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Top Ten Pieces of Advice for Young Athletes (presented by Calvin "Megatron" Johnson of the Detroit Lions, seen on the cover of the Madden '13 video game) ••• Chris Hemsworth plugs Marvel's The Avengers. ••• Don Rickles will be on Monday's show, presumably to fire off a rocket. This is exciting. / "Sue Hum Tells Don Rickles Jokes" / Here we go:
  • "I had a big day today. I got up."

  • "There's a guy in the front row, wearing a red shirt. That's nice. I've never entertained a Mountie."

  • "Frank Sinatra once saved my life. He said, 'OK, boys. He's had enough.' "

  • "Look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident? Goodnight, everybody."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Darrell Hammond plugs his book, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked. (Actually, he does stand-up.) ••• Miike Snow sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is on saxophone.]

4/30/12 [3664]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Houston. She wanted to know if a Stupid Pet Trick ever went wrong. She must be new in these here parts, or she'd have known about the doggie biting Dave in the face on 6/16/00. Dave wanted to have a friendly visit with the dog, but accidentally stepped on its tail just as they got face-to-face. / tape of the unfortunate incident •••

The prototype space shuttle, Enterprise, landed in New York City on April 27, enroute to its final destination, the Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum on Manhattan's west side. How will it get there? / animation: The Boeing 747 lands in the Hudson River (just like Sully did). Upon impact, the Enterprise pops off the 747, does a forward 360° flip and lands perfectly on the USS Intrepid.
••• Marvel's The Avengers trailer:
(lots of clips)

(voice-over): "Earth's mightiest heroes have assembled to stop the most lethal foe in the universe. Captain America. Thor. Iron Man. The Incredible Hulk. And the Phillie Phanatic."

(clip of the tubby Phillie Phanatic in action)

(voice-over): "The Avengers. Starts Friday."

••• The annual White House Correspondents' Dinner took place on April 28. Who are some of the comedians who have hosted over the years? / video:
(clip): Franklin Delano Roosevelt at the 1944 dinner

(clip of Gilbert Gottfried supposedly hosting the aforementioned dinner): "A man goes into a doctor's office. Doctor examines him. Finds out he has five penises. He says, 'That's amazing. How do your pants fit?' He says, 'Like a glove.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave congratulates Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing's Takuma Sato, who came in third at the Sao Paulo Indy 300 on April 29. Upon meeting Takuma, Dave advised, "Lean on it, kid." (All of the drivers are to call Dave Daddy.)

  2. This is exciting. Dave knows that the latest thing is to have an Internet "pod show." Dave's friends in Silicon Valley have set him up with DaveTube, and we go to a simulcast. Internet viewers can see the Late Show in real time. Cool! Wait... this is an unexpected turn. In a span of about five seconds, the new site picks up 86,788 Dislikes.
••• Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations with Teens (with a clip of Mitt's horse that prances around like a sissy) ••• Don Rickles visits with Dave in multiple segments. He gets almost 23 minutes! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Don Rickles ••• Regis Philbin does a surprise walk-on, and gives Don lots of laughs. ••• Carrie Underwood sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.] ••• [Carrie Underwood did a live webcast at 8 p.m.]

5/01/12 [3665]: The arrival of the prototype space shuttle Enterprise in New York on April 27 was quite the event. Leonard Nimoy was there to welcome it! Everything was going so well with the delivery via a Boeing 747. Then what happens? The Enterprise was parked in Queens overnight. / Photoshop fun: One night, and both the Enterprise and the pretend 747 the graphic artist used are covered with graffiti. •••

The GOP is a bit concerned about Mitten Romney's appeal to women, so they dispatched Ann Romney to CBS This Morning to dispell the idea that Mitt's too stiff. / video: She's all cheery and playful, and she reaches over to Mitt to kind of give him a little love pat, and guess what? Mitten's head falls cleanly off his shoulders. You can see his spinal column and innards. What a mess!
••• "Sue Simmons Clip of the Night" / video:
(clip from NBC's News 4 New York): Sue is heard off-camera saying, "The ball took a bad hop and hit me in my breast..."

(male anchor): "Are we on?"

(announce): "Now at 11."

••• "Sue Simmons Classic Clip":
Sue lets rip with the mother of all cuss words to co-anchor Chuck Scarborough on NBC 4 on 5/12/08. / video: "What the      are you doing?"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Holy crap! I forgot to change my calendar to May!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Don Rickles was on last night, and Dave was thrilled to have him. He reminds us that Don's the last of the big Las Vegas headliners. We see "Don Rickles Recap," a video compilation of all the wacky sounds and grunts Don made during his 23-minute visit.

  2. What do you know about Don Rickles? We know that given the slightest provocation, Don will drop his pants and fire off a rocket!

  3. What do we know about North Korea? They're bitterly envious, because they want to control the world and mess with Americans with nuclear power. They need a missile to deliver a bomb to our continent, and their big missile test totally blew up last month. Kim Jong-Un thinks he can fire a rocket. We have video: Kim Jong-Un is seen near a launch gantry. Off come Kim's britches, and a rocket fizzles and augers into the ground. Meanwhile, over at Cape Kennedy, Don Rickles' pants come off.
    (video): It's a scene from Mission Control in Houston from Apollo 13, which was supposed to be Kennedy Launch Control. Anyway, we hear, "T minus three, two, one. Blastoff."

    Don Rickles' pants come off, and we witness a perfect launch.

    (music): James Horner's Apollo 13 theme

••• Dave reveals that the Mike and Ike® guys are splitting up, blaming creative differences. ••• Top Ten Surprising Facts About Advertising Characters ••• Seth Meyers plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• Everytime we turn around, there's another poll about the presidential race. Creative director, digital media Jay Johnson, as pollster John Zogby, appears onstage to tell us how Mitten Romney will fare against President Obama.
(Dave): "So here now, with the latest poll results, please welcome the founder of the Zogby Poll, John Zogby. John, come on out. John Zogby."

(Zogby): "Thanks, Dave. Well, the results are in, and they're highly fascinating. On the question, 'Which candidate do you think has the best economic policy,' 100% favored Mitt Romney. On the issue, 'Which is the best candidate on foreign policy,' 100% selected President Barack Obama. On the topic of immigration, 100% selected Mitt Romney."

(Dave): "Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, John, but these numbers... and I'm no mathematician or statistician... they seem like they're all pretty clear-cut, one-sided numbers."

(Zogby): "I don't know what to tell you. Those are the numbers."

(Dave): "How many... how many people are in the actual poll sample? How many... how many people did you poll? And I think we all know how uncomfortable that can be. But how many? Tell me, how many?"

(Zogby): "Just me."

(Dave): "Well, now, that's ridiculous! These results mean nothing, and you just wasted everyone's time!"

(Zogby): "That's why they call me Zogby!"

(FX): Boing.

(Alan Kalter): "Catch Zogby this fall on CBS, right after FAT: NCIS."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Krysten Ritter plugs ABC's Don't Trust the B - - - - in Apartment 23.. The 30-year-old, raven-haired beauty grew up on a farm near Shickshinny, Pennsylvania. (You can't make up stuff like that, can you?) She was discovered in a shopping mall when she was 15, and first was a model. ••• Father John Misty sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.]

5/02/12 [3666]: monologue interruption / video:

(graphic): The White House

(photo): Barack Obama

(voice-over): "The following is an important announcement from the White House. In case you haven't heard, Obama killed bin Laden."

(photo): Reverend bin Laden, prior to dropping to room temperature

(title graphic): Alan Thicke / Thicke of the Night

(voice-over): "We now return you to Thicke of the Night, already in progress."

••• That's right. You guessed it. It's the clip of Mitt Romney singing in Norwegian. ••• monologue interruption: Al Norwood pesters Dave with the boom mike. He says, "Don't worry about me, boss. I'm just screwin' with you." ••• Barack Obama sneaked off to Afghanistan this week. He needs to wear his shoe-proof vest. Dave calls for the clip of someone throwing shoes at George W. Bush on 12/18/08. ••• A guy is suing BMW, claiming that after riding one of their motorcycles, he had a two-year-long erection. Well, there's a cure for that. / video: a clip of The View ••• Tonight's TTL has a sponsor. Why? Teenagers have been distilling hand sanitizer products to get drunk! Alan, take it away! /
(graphic): a modified Purell® bottle

(Alan voice-over): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Hand Sanitizer®. Ethanol-based Hand Sanitizer® is the effective way to clean your hands when you're on the go."

(shot of Alan, who continues): "Plus, it's got the bitter medicinal taste and high alcohol content I love." (takes a shot) "Mmmmm. Now... I'm drunk... and sanitized! Back to you, Duck Lips!"

••• desk chat:
Dave says television technology is so far advanced. The people around him are all MIT graduates. During the commercial, Pat Farmer and crew installed a Radio Shack® pushbutton on the left armrest support of Dave's swivel chair. (We see a close-up.) Should Dave push the button? Pat sure thinks so. He says it'll be fun! Dave decides to wait until after the TTL.
••• Top Ten Least Inspiring One-Word Campaign Slogans ••• desk chat:
Dave pushes the button. In a cloud of smoke, a screaming Dave's launched out of the studio. (Who says Dave doesn't do remotes anymore?) Paul hollers, "Now what do I do?" Nancy Agostini waits for a report and announces, "I'm being told he's OK."
••• "Stupid Pet Tricks"
  1. Marisa Zilli and her bordie collie, Nana, are from Tillsonburg, Ontario. Nana lays down on the urine-proof mat, but with her butt up high. Marisa lays a table cloth on her posterior, and pours a drink for Dave. She's a coffee table!

  2. Sheryl Knapp and her big, white bulldog, Gabe, are from Bellingham, Washington. Gabe is amazingly patient as Dave plays with his jowls. Then Gabe steals the show by first setting upright, then mounting, a little kid's rocking horse. Once settled in the saddle, Gabe rocks back and forth, as the CBSO plays the theme from Bonanza. Dave loved this one so much, he checks with Paul to see if they should retire "Stupid Pet Tricks" and call it good. No! We don't want Sarah Billington to go away!!

  3. Sam Valle and Scott Levy are up next with Geronimo, ½ cattle dog and ½ bordie collie. They're from Islip Terrace, Long Island, New York, and they brought a fan club. Sam and Scott get two long jump ropes going, and Geronimo effortlessly jumps both ropes as the CBSO plays Van Halen's "Jump."

True confession: I shamelessly checked the spelling of a couple of the pet owner's names with the Wahoo Gazette. Ask for it by name. ••• Johnny Galecki plugs The Big Bang Theory. •••

Act 5 Audience Pan and "Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft" / Bill is in the soundproof booth with headphones on. He then recites player names and uniform numbers of the 1969-70 New York Knicks. Alan doesn't want to award the big prize. Bill left out one player. Turns out he's on the disabled list for the season. I'm afraid there will be more installments to this segment.
••• more Johnny Galecki ••• Norah Jones sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.] ••• [Norah Jones did a live webcast at 8 P.M. tonight.]

5/03/12 [3667]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Johnny from South Carolina. He'll be the only thing on CBS several times. ••• Edvard Munch's 1895 painting, The Scream, sold for $119,900,000 on May 2. We have "CNN" video:

(clips of the painting and the auction)

(voice-over): "The Scream, by Norwegian symbolist painter Edvard Munch, sold Wednesday night at a Manhattan art auction for almost $120,000,000. This particular version reveals why the man in the painting is screaming: the exhorbitant price of pickled herring. Harry Loomis, CNN."

••• Here's a new spin on 2011's Late Show Reference Wheel. It's the Mitt Romney Running Mate Wheel. It's like the Wheel of Fortune, only Mittier.   first spin: Broccoli   second spin: Clogged Vacuum   third spin: Squirrel Polishing His Nuts

Mitt Romney Running Mate Wheel

••• A guy is suing BMW, claiming that after riding one of their motorcycles, he had a two-year-long erection. Well, there's a cure for that. / photo: It's Patricia Krentcil, the New Jersey woman arrested last week for taking her five-year-old daughter in a tanning booth. Her face looks like a brown leather shoe. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:

  1. Last night Dave's cure for the two-year erection was The View ladies. He sort of apologizes for that reference last night, claiming he feels horrible.

  2. The Learning Channel has Extreme Couponing. Now there's Very Extreme Couponing with Tony Mendez. We see a clip. Tony walks in a store with a handful of coupons. Moments later, he sprints out of a store with an armload of merchandise. A few steps down the sidewalk, he's arrested by Officer Michael Z. McIntee. Todd Seda plays a stock boy who comes out to reclaim the loot.
••• Top Ten Other Surprising Facts About United States Presidents' Love Lives ••• Stephen Colbert plugs his book, I Am a Pole (And So Can You!). ••• Chloë Grace Moretz plugs Dark Shadows. Dave has some advice for her as she plans to get her driver's license: Learn to drive a car with a manual transmission. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Chloë ••• The cast of Broadway's Nice Work If You Can Get It, including Matthew Broderick, perform "Sweet & Lowdown." It's playing at the Imperial Theatre, 249 West 45th Street. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.]

5/04/12 [3668]: [We'll see a bit of electronic goofing around tonight.] ••• interruption: #DaveMonologue onscreen ••• It's Dave's seventh impression of 2012. He takes a few moments to adjust his clothing, touch up his hair and prepare himself mentally to portray himself. He turns to face his audience, and in his best dumb guy voice delivers the line, "Uhhh... one senior for Avengers, please." ••• onscreen interruption /

(voice-over): "Tonight's Late Show is brought to you by Streit's® Matzos, The Official Matzos of Cinco De Mayo. Olé!"
••• monologue:
(Dave): "I was walking... This is... Everybody in New York City has got Cinco de Mayo spirit. Everybody... you know... everywhere you go, they're excited about Cinco de Mayo. It's a great celebration here in New York City. Everybody is excited about it. I was walking through Central Park on my break, and I came across a squirrel... My hand to God, this is a true story... actually putting salsa on his nuts."
••• Tony Mendez helps with another "Would That Joke Be Funnier in Spanish?" (Why, this time, was cojones censored? ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tranquility Tip" /
(Alan Kalter): "And now, today's "Tranquility Tip." That's not the graphic I asked for! I said it should have been a sunrise! Forget it, you idiots! Just keep watching."
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. /
(Dave): "Let's check in with Bruce and Linda, to see what's coming up tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Bruce... Linda... take it away."

(Bruce and Linda are wearing sombreros for Cinco de Mayo.)

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Place your wagers! That's right. It's Kentucky Derby weekend."

(Bruce): "Hold your horses, amigos, because it's Cinco de Mayo."

(Linda): "Ay yi yi. We'll just have to celebrate both. We'll start with a visit from our homemaking editor, Hannah Swift, who will show us some classic cocktail recipes with a twist: they're also alcohol-free."

(Bruce): "This virgin margarita's pretty tasty! You wouldn't think that a dog race and a horse race would have much in common, but Ted Spanner, track announcer for the Tucson Greyhound Park, says otherwise, and he'll give us his take on the Kentucky Derby."

(Linda): "And it's spring cleaning time. Did you know there's one item in your pantry that can tackle almost any housekeeping task? We'll tell you what it is, and it's going to surprise you."

(Bruce): "All that, plus building a storm cellar, the best shoe-shining kits, and cooking with aluminum foil, tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda. Thank you, kids."

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave gives the etymology of sombrero.

  2. Dave wants to talk about "Stupid Pet Tricks" on May 2. To be exact, he reviews the performance of Gabe, the bulldog from Bellingham, Washington, who set up a child's rocking horse, mounted it and rode it to the theme of Bonanza. Dave calls for the CBSO to play the Bonanza theme. He loves it! Dave says, "I'm tellin' you, we got so many calls today... people saying, 'Put some pants on the dog!' "
••• Top Ten People Who Would Look Good in a Sombrero / #7: Keith Olbermann (whose sombrero looks tiny, because of his enormous head) ••• Anderson Cooper plugs Anderson Cooper 360. ••• Yves Rossy (who's known as Jetman) / Rossy was a fighter pilot in the Swiss Air Force. He developed an unusual jet pack. It has wings like a little jet plane, and four little jet engines. One of his jet packs got up to 186 MPH. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave calls Dave Johnson, track announcer for the Kentucky Derby, to reprise his traditional call of "and down the stretch they come!" ••• Electric Guest sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.]

5/07/12 [3669]: Tonight's audience shout is to a young lady from Evanston, Indiana. ••• monologue: Sully did it to Dave again. He nipped Dave's hand because Dave put a little Cinco de Mayo sombrero on him. ••• monologue: Ohhh... Kentucky Derby! Anybody get a look at the Kentucky Derby? Once again it was won by a guy from Kenya." ••• "Slow News Day" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(anchor Macie Jepson on Good Morning Cleveland): "Actress Demi Moore has just changed her Twitter name."

(title graphic)

••• We had a super moon on Saturday. Our satellite was the closest to earth it's been in 20 years. / What? Really? Must we commercialize it? We see an ad for Bob's Discount Furniture on the moon. ••• Dave couldn't get into The Avengers, so he went to The Hunger Games, painted green like The Incredible Hulk. The green condition is based on an actual medical fact. / video:
(movie clips)

(voice-over): "Each year, thousands of Americans turn into The Hulk when angry, resulting in trauma, destruction and lost productivity and wages. Don't let this happen to you! Get your Hulk vaccination now for just $20. Available at Walgreens® Pharmacy. (Hulk prevention claims not verified by the CDC.)"

••• FX: There was a big solar flare over the weekend, resulting in an impressive auroral display in the backdrop. ••• There's been a lot of discussion in recent days over Obama bragging about exterminating bin Laden. Would Mitt Romney have made that choice? Mitt says even Jimmy Carter would have exterminated him. Let's compare military resumes. / "Mitt vs. Jimmy" /
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Jimmy Carter graduated near the top of his class at the U. S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, before helping develop the world's first nuclear submarine, under the legendary Admiral Hyman Rickover."

(photo): USS Nautilus

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney owns a yacht and a sailor hat. See you next time on 'Mitt vs. Jimmy.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue interruption: A nurse in a white coat (Jane Gabbert) comes out to have Dave order his dinner, to see if he took his pills and ask if he needs to be taken to the bathroom. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Know Your Saints" / tonight: "Saint Louis is the patron saint of unusually tall arches." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave spent the weekend tormenting himself. He was watching Los Angeles TV three or four years ago. A man and woman went in a big box store to shoplift lingerie. The man was supposed to be the lookout. Well, they got into a disagreement. In the checkout lane, he starts feeling up another woman. The cashier's horrified. The guy takes off running. The lady takes off running. TV coverage of the story went on and on. Dave says he called KCBS, the flagship station in Los Angeles. They didn't know anything about it. Maybe Dr. Phil will remember this story.

  2. Paul supposedly went to the Kentucky Derby over the weekend.
••• Top Ten Superheroes Left Out of The Avengers / #3: The Somewhat Credible Hulk ••• Dr. Phil plugs his #1-rated daytime talk show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Beth Behrs plugs 2 Broke Girls. ••• Spiritualized sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Scott Kreitzer is in on saxophone.]

5/08/12 [3670]: It appears that Senator Rob Portman (R-OH) will be Mitten Romney's running mate, which brings us to "Rob Portman Vice-President." / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(CNBC clip): The Senator is clucking like a chicken.

(title graphic)

••• The nightly offering of Mitt Romney singing in Norwegian is repackaged by Dave as the Martian National Anthem. / video ••• Dave asks for a second, prepares himself and steps to the Dave Dorsett / Al Cialino camera. He puckers up, blows real hard, and off goes a home viewer's toupee! ••• Vice-President Biden announced this week that he fully supports gay marriage. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is saying his views are evolving. / video:
(voice-over): "President Obama on gay marriage."

(Barack Obama): "My feelings about this are constantly evolving. I struggle with this."

(voice-over): "Despite this ongoing evolution of opinion, the president would like to say he's perfectly comfortable with civil unions, gay parenting, gay bingo nights, two men antiquing, women who box, everything on Bravo, scented candles, summer scarves and "out" gay talk show hosts such as Ellen Degeneres and David Letterman."

(graphic): "FORWARD and Fabulous!"

(POTUS): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message."

••• According to the Washington Post, the latest al Qaeda bomb plot involved exploding underpants, and was unraveled by spies on the inside. Hanes®, the underpants people, have this ad. / video:
(photos): newspaper headlines

(voice-over): "In these troubled times, your friends at Hanes® would like to remind you: the vast majority of our men's briefs DO NOT EXPLODE. Hanes: We make underpants."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Root Vegetable of the Night": "What the hell is that? A turnip?" (yes) ••• desk chat: It's time to say goodbye to the spring semester interns. The scrim rises about two feet, then gets stuck. Maybe next year, kids. ••• Jered Weaver of the Angels presents the Top Ten Signs You'll Never Throw a No-Hitter. ••• desk chat: The number of no-hitters in baseball all-time is 274. ••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory and Harvey, opening on May 18 at the Roundabout Theatre, 254 West 54th Street. ••• surprise guest:
Stagehand Gene Szymanski is Tom "The Tickler" Tichnowski, a world-renowned billiards trick shot artist. Tom comes out in a tuxedo to visit with Dave. He has plenty of anecdotes about his brilliant career. A pool table has been set up onstage, and Tom will do The Stagecoach Robbery. Tom's going to foil a robbery perpetrated by the 8 ball. He shoots. Nothing good happens. Tom says, "You get the picture." He bows deeply, just like Akio Toyoda, and that's the end of his segment. [The spelling of the made-up name of the billiards expert was shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette.] (Did Gene polish the stage floor during the audience load-in while wearing the tuxedo?)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan blowing up a little beach ball ••• Mika Brzezinski plugs Morning Joe, and tells us stories of her experiences as the daughter of the national security adviser. ••• Macy Gray sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Scott Kreitzer is in on saxophone.]

5/09/12 [3671]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who asked what Dave's favorite knick knack is in his office. ••• monologue:

"But I won't lie to you. We have problems. Do you know what the new problem is in New York City? Take a guess, Paul. Any idea? Any idea? Missing manhole covers. Somebody is stealing manhole covers. These things... you see 'em in the street. You know what I'm talkin' about. They're big... they're like 2½ feet in diameter, and they weigh 200 pounds, and they are missing. Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey... he said that he has a manhole. He said, 'I didn't... don't get the wrong idea. I didn't steal 'em. I have a manhole cover at my place. I use it as a waffle iron. That's what he said, because they're..."

"Mayor Bloomberg got on television early today... press conference about the missing manhole covers. He said, 'Look... don't think of somebody stealin' the manhole covers, think of these as sewers with skylights.' Sewers with skylights!!"

••• By 2030, 40% of Americans will be obese. There's a special announcement. / video:
(photo): CDC headquarters

(voice-over): "According to a new report, the CDC has discovered 42% of Americans may end up obese by 2030..."

(clips of fat people)

(voice-over): "... while 11% would be classified as severely obese. Medical costs of obesity are calculated..."

(fat guy on the street): "Whoa! Whoa! Are you using me in a fat guy montage?"

(voice-over): "This has been a message from the CDC."

(title graphic)

••• al Qaeda membership is drying up. Membership started to subside when they went to the suicide bomber underpants. Don't assume the worst when a guy gets caught with exploding underpants. / "Other Uses for Exploding Underpants" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): A nice man holding underpants.

(voice-over): "Set your exploding underpants on Low, and you can use them to reheat delicious pizza bagels. Thanks for watching 'Other Uses for Exploding Underpants.' "

(title graphic)

••• There's been recent discussion of Hillary Clinton, thinking she should use some make-up, or get a make-over. Dave thinks she looks fine. / photo: Patricia Krentcil, in all her orangeness / Will Lee does his Patricia Krentcil scream. ••• interruption: Dave's nurse (Jane Gabbert) appears beside him. She understands there's been some trouble with Dave taking his pill. The doctor says it's OK if Dave takes it mashed-up in some applesauce. Dave takes a big spoonful. Then the nurse wants to know if Dave would like to go to the activity room. They're making Popsicle® stick frames today. Dave says, "This really is a wonderful facility." ••• Mitt Romney's fighting the image that he has no personality. Dave: "The reason for this, of course, is that he has no personality." Mitt's trying to make hiimself look a little more roguish. / Mitt's mugshot photo: It's Photoshop fun with Mitt's face and Nick Nolte's 2002 booking photo. ••• animation: Mitt's dog on the car ••• monologue: Woody Allen recently had lunch with Lindsay Lohan. Yesterday he had lunch with the tanning mom lady, Patricia Krentcil. / photo: an orange Patricia Krentcil / Will Lee does his Patricia Krentcil scream. ••• North Carolina voted to outlaw gay or same-sex marriage yesterday. / video:
(North Carolina flag animation)

(voice-over): "North Carolina has taken some heat over banning gay marriage. Don't worry, folks. The Tar Heel state has plenty to offer, while still upholding strong American values. Take in our beautiful Outer Banks. Or visit the Appalachians, where heterosexuals can marry and divorce as often as they like, the age of consent is only 16 and first cousins can legally wed. Not to mention, sex with your aunt is just a misdemeanor."

(photo): North Carolina state seal

(voice-over): "North Carolina: The wrong side of history since 1861."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and the CBSO and Booker T. fire up "Time Is Tight." ••• desk chat:
  1. Booker T. Jones of Booker T. & the M.G.s is sitting in tonight. We'll hear "Time Is Tight" and "Green Onions" tonight.

  2. Tom Dreesen is hosting the annual ceremony on Ellis Island for those whose immigrant ancestors came through there.

  3. Dave says to take your mother to Feinstein's at the Loews Regency at 540 Park Avenue on Mother's Day, to see Tom Dreesen.

  4. Dave seems to be having a spell. Is he changing into The Incredible Hulk? It sure seems so, but he says, "OK, I'm fine." Paul asks about the Hulk. Dave says, "No, it's just the gastrointestinal reflux disorder. I'm fine."
••• Top Ten Classic Video Games or Pharmaceuticals ••• Eva Longoria plugs the series finale of Desperate Housewives, and her movie opening in June: For Greater Glory. ••• interruption: Dave's nurse shows up to take his pulse. •••
Dave announces that all of his correspondents are standing by. (Jerry Foley splits up the screen to give us a look at all of them.)

  • Arthur Daniels in Mesa, Arizona (Walter Kim)
  • Max Cooper at the White House
  • Leo Ford at the CBS Broadcast Center
  • Megan Reynolds in Detroit, Michigan (Kathy Mavrikakis)
  • Barbara Lubis in Phoenix
  • Chet Perkins at the Capitol (Steve Young)
  • Carl Dimino in Ann Arbor, Michigan
  • Ira Albertson in Chicago, Illinois
  • Denise Carmichael in Abingdon, Virginia
  • Neil Jacobsen in Washington
Dave thanks all of the 11 correspondents. We don't know why we have them.
••• Act 5: Booker T. and the CBSO play a mini concert. ••• Tom Dreeson reminds us all that he knew Frank Sinatra. BFD. ••• Florence + the Machine sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Alex Foster is on saxophone.]

5/10/12 [3672]: President Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. "Who drives? Who nags?" The U. S. Treasury Department is caught up in the excitement. / Photoshop fun: The president's photo area of their proposed new dollar bill shows George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, side by side. (Thomas is kind of giving George "that look." ••• Dave mentions that some homosexuals work for the Late Show. He calls out "Glenn," who's standing nearby, to ask if he's excited about the announcement. Glenn is mortified. He says, "I hadn't told anybody yet." Oops. ••• The Knicks lost a playoffs game, which brings us to "New York Knicks Playoff Highlights." / video:

(title graphic and Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Part 2")

(clip): Somebody misses a free throw.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "LΣARN TO SPΣAK GRΣΣK": "George Stephanopoulos. That's all there is to it." ••• desk chat:
  1. Out of commercial, Dave wanders away from his desk. He's pondering something, and strolling around. He produces a colorful throw pillow for a guest chair. Then another. He changes them up a bit.

    (Paul): "Excuse me. Mr. Letterman? What are you doing?"

    (Dave): "I wanted to make the place seem a little gayer."

    (CBSO): Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men"

  2. Dave's hometown Indiana Pacers have advanced to the second round of the NBA Playoffs. Harold Larkin and someone else bring in a green screen. Dave does a fun promo for the next game, while trying to dribble two FX basketballs.
••• In 1981 at the age of 34, Mitt Romney was arrested for launching his boat after a police officer told him not to. / Top Ten Other Mitt Romney Offenses (and another look at Mitt's sissy prancing horse) ••• "Kid Scientists" / Lee Marek has brought in three kids from Naperville, Illinois. /
  1. Cairo Lawrence, a sixth-grader, does a great job explaining Newton's first law of motion: The velocity of a body remains constant unless the body is acted upon by an external force. She has a goofy-looking wire double-U with golf balls on the free ends. She sets the pivot point on the back of her head and pivots. The two arms with the golf balls don't move. Then Dave does it.

  2. Zach Pradel, an eighth-grader, has Dave put on a white coat, then squirts some phenolphthalein on his sleeve. It's a pH indicator. Once Zach makes a mess of Dave's sleeve, everyone goggles up. He shoots the sleeve with a CO2 fire extinguisher, and the phenolphthalein pretty much disappears.

  3. Jack Brandt, a seventh-grader, has a boiling hot metal can. He'll show us what 15 pounds per square inch of atmospheric pressure will do to a can. Dave pounds a cork into a hole in the can top, then sticks the hot can on icewater. Zach pours icewater on top of the big can, and it's immediately crushed.
••• Elizabeth Banks plugs What to Expect When You're Expecting. Her big moment as a kid scientist was spoiled when a helium balloon popped just before a science fair began. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Would It Kill You?" ••• more Elizabeth Banks ••• Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Alex Foster is on saxophone.]

5/11/12 [3673]: monologue: It's a sampler of Dave's favorite Mother's Day themes: Mother's Day is nothing more than a warm-up for Father's Day, Dorothy's Bloody Marys and a crisp $5 bill as the gift. We have a new offering this time. Dave now sends Dorothy a heartfelt Tweet. ••• Oops! No one remembered to clue in the new guy on saxophone. Dave asked one of his rhetorical questions, and he didn't know to raise his hand. ••• monologue:

"Anybody see The Avengers, by the way? Anybody goin' out to see the...? It's fantastic! They have Captain America, and Donald Trump is in it. Wants to see Captain America's birth certificate. Oh, what a showdown! And then that thing on Captain America's head jumps off and bites Trump on the ass."
••• monologue: How about that Vice-President, Joe Biden? He was on that Jeopardy program. "Mayonnaise for a million dollars, Alex." Dave first thought this was unprecedented for a sitting vice-president, but no. Here's something stunning Dave saw on the Game Show Network. / video:
(Gene Rayburn): "The big, bad wolf said, 'I just came from a house where this old lady had the biggest blank I ever saw."

(contestant Dwight D. Eisenhower): President Eisenhower is holding up his answer card: "BOOBS."

(Dave): "Dwight Eisenhower on The Match Game!"

••• Dave says, "Mamie... you remember Mamie? She liked it rough!" ••• "Ron Paul Update" / video:
(title graphic and breaking news music

(Dr. Paul on Face the Nation): "I'm still campaigning!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Our Amazing Bodies": "An adult human's intestines are long enought to circle the earth three times! There's no way that's true. Hey, don't we have a kid who checks these things? Just stay here." ••• desk chat:
(Dave): "I know you're sittin' at home thinkin', 'Wow, Dave, your show is extra-lame tonight.' Well, you know, it's not exactly a surprise to us here in the theater. It's a work in progress, and here's what I'm gonna tell you right now. If things really start to get sideways on us, if things really start to go gunny-sack, I have a Plan B. OK? You don't get where I am without having a Plan B. Am I right, Paul?"

(Paul): "You do not get where you are without having a Plan B."

(Dave): "Belt and suspenders, ladies and gentlemen. You are lookin' at Mr. Suspenders. You are lookin' at Orville Redenbacher."

(Paul): "That's right. Ha!"

(Dave): "Belt and suspenders. If I get the slightest hint that things are irrevocable, we go to Plan B, OK?"

••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show:
(Dave): "Hey. Let's do this. Let's check in now with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up on the Weekend Late Show. Bruce, Linda... Take it away!"

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. It's Mother's Day weekend, and we're putting together the mother of all Weekend Late Shows. Bruce and I will be joined by our moms for the entire show!"

(Bruce): "I hope they don't bring out any baby pictures. I was such a goofy-lookin' kid."

(Linda): "That can't be true! We'll start the show in the Cookery Nook, making some of our favorite recipes from childhood. I can already taste that grilled cheese sandwich! Yum!"

(Bruce): "And if you're looking for something more original than flowers for Mom, our personal shopper, Tony Gertz, has some clever last-minute gift ideas. I can use those myself."

(Linda): "And, finally, just for fun, we'll bring our moms into the Weekend Workshop, where we'll all take a spin at spinning pottery."

(Bruce): "All that, plus filing for bankruptcy, antique hood ornaments and beating the dealer at Blackjack. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda. Now... you see Bruce and Linda, Paul? That's a show that didn't need a Plan B. That is Plan A stuff, top to bottom."

(Jerry opens the TTL montage, then Dave adds): "Let me just say this. Plan B involves a woman from Iowa."

••• Top Ten Things Your Mother Doesn't Want to Hear on Mother's Day / #10: Good news! We're putting you in a home! ••• Dave calls for Biff Henderson. Re the aforementioned desk chat, Dave is implementing Plan B. Biff escorts Jill, formerly from Iowa, to the stage. She performs an amazing dophin impression. Dave comments that it is as if she swallowed a dolphin. ••• Underpants bombs have been a huge topic in recent days. Legendary writer Gerard Mulligan will play the part of Gerard al-Mulligan this evening. We'll go to split screen (Ed Sullivan Theater and Yemen) for the hot underpants discussion.
(Dave): "There he is... a member of al Qaeda... master bomb builder. And we're gonna talk about the recent problems with the underpants double agent bomber. Hello. Welcome to the show, sir. May I have your name, please?"

(Gerard): "Gerard al-Mulligan."

(Dave): "Gerard al-Mulligan."

(Gerard): "Yes, and thanks for having me."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, you're quite welcome. Now, Mr. al-Mulligan, we're discussing al Qaeda and their setback. How are they dealing with this latest setback?"

(Gerard): "Well, the failed underpants bomb plot was an embarrassment, but we did gain some valuable knowledge. We now know why we've had trouble getting recruits for those missions."

(Dave): "And why is that?"

(Gerard): "You detonate 80 grams of pentaerythritol tetranitrate in your underpants. Tell you how you like it!"

(Dave): "Well, easy for you to say. I don't know... don't worry about it. We've got a lady in the audience who makes dolphin noises. Call me when you get one of those in Yemen. Now, what improvements are you working on, Mr. al-Mulligan?"

(Gerard): "Well, first, we've redesigned the underpants, so they don't contain explosives."

(Dave): "Oh. So... let me get this straight. So you're... you're just... you've invented ordinary underpants?"

(Gerard): "Ordinary? Would you call underpants made with the highest-quality cotton, and a comfortable elastic waistband ordinary?"

(Dave): "Yeah, kinda. And by the way, will they shrink in a dryer?"

(Gerard): "What's a dryer?"

(Dave): "OK. Now, listen... what are you doing to make it easier to get recruits for al Qaeda?"

(Gerard): "Oh, we've got something very exciting! Goodbye, exploding underpants. Hello, new and improved exploding bike helmet."

(Dave): "Oh, wow! Why a bike helmet?"

(Gerard): "Safety first!"

(Dave): "OK."

(Gerard, placing the helmet on his noggin): "Holy crap!"

(Dave): "What's the matter?"

(Gerard): "This helmet is hot as a son-of-a-bitch!"

(Dave): "Alright, well, take it... take it off, Mr. al-Mulligan. If you just take it off..."

(Gerard): "Oh, that's funny. I thought I was al Qaeda's master bomb builder, not you. My mistake. Ellen, get me the burn cream!"

(Dave): "OK. So... I'm gonna let you go now. Thank you for your time."

(Gerard): "The burn cream!"

(Dave): "Yeah, OK."

(Gerard): "It's in the medicine cabinet, next to the Topol® Smoker's Tooth Polish!"

(Dave): "OK, that's fine. We'll be right back with Tommy Johnagin. Good luck in Yemen."

(Gerard): "Free the Hot Dog Hooker!"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan plays with his 1950s Viewmaster®. ••• Tommy Johnagin does stand-up. ••• M. Ward sing. (Will Lee's son is in the band.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• full credits ••• [Alex Foster is on saxophone.]


5/14/12 [3674]: Mother's Day monologue: "I surprised my mom. I served her breakfast in the tanning bed." / photo: Patricia Krentcil, the deeply-roasted tanning mom / Will Lee's scream ••• interruption:

(voice-over): "CBS is the proud home of America's first gay talk show host: David Letterman!"

(FX): a rainbow halo over Dave's head

(FX): twinkly chimes sound

••• Newsweek is calling Barack Obama America's first gay president. Dave's not buying that. He says that Zachary Taylor was America's first gay president. / photo: Zachary Taylor, looking pretty gay / musical score for the gay photo: the theme from Gunsmoke, by the CBSO •••
Joseph Biden was on Meet the Press a couple of weeks ago, when he proclaimed that he was in favor of gay marriage. Then Barack Obama had to jump on the gay bandwagon. Remember back to 6/18/11, when the president played golf with Speaker John Boehner? Dave reports that Obama and Biden played golf over the weekend. / Photoshop fun: It's the president and vice-president kissing. They're totally making out. Eww!
••• The nurse who's been bothering Dave (Jane Gabbert) comes out again. She's grouchy today. She heard that Dave was causing trouble in the TV room. He denies all. She takes his temperature, and it's normal. She asks if Dave wants a cup of ginger ale. No, thanks. ••• "Other Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Mitt Romney" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): a teenage Mitten, with Brylcreem® hair

(voice-over): "As a sophomore in high school, Mitt Romney cut the brake lines of his lab partner, Ted's, car."

(animation): Ted's red car goes over a cliff, as we hear a blood-curdling scream. It's finished. We presume that young Ted is deceased.

(voice-over): "We'll be back with 'Other Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Mitt Romney.' "

••• "Other Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Mitt Romney" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): a teenage Mitten, with Brylcreem® hair

(voice-over): "In 1964, a 17-year-old Mitt Romney burned down a Howard Johnson's®.

(news clip): a Howard Johnson's® engulfed in flames

(voice-over): See you next time on 'Other Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Mitt Romney.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and for all us coal buffs: "Anthracite or Bituminous?" (bituminous) ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave reminds us that Booker T. Jones of Booker T. and the MGs sat in with the CBSO on May 9. Paul sadly reports that Donald "Duck" Dunn, also of Booker T. and the MGs, died at 70 yesterday. Paul has some very nice comments about Donald, and mentions that as a bassist, he was Will Lee's idol. Also, of course, Donald played in The Blues Brothers with the CBSO's own Tom "Bones" Malone. Paul says every note of music tonight will have a bass line created by Donald "Duck" Dunn.

  2. The nurse is back. Dave claims he didn't touch the TV. "Three strikes and you're out," she says.

  3. Dorothy will be 91 in July, and she just got a hearing aid. Dave has a little story.
    "We told our son, Harry, don't mention Grandma's new hearing aid, because she might be a little sensitive. So... the weekend, and everyone's fine and chatting, and so Harry said, 'Oh, Grandma, it sounds like you hear pretty well. Dorothy said, 'Well, Harry, I have a new hearing aid.' Harry says, 'What kind is it?', and my mom says, 'Well, let's see. It's about 3:15.' "
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. / Alan Kalter is excited to announce that tonight's TTL is sponsored by Jerry Koosman's E. coli Grill. ••• Top Ten Least Popular Baby Names ••• Kelly Ripa has another fun interview. She's always a great guest. Kelly tells how on Mother's Day she went from "Best Mom Ever" to "Worst Mom Ever" in a matter of minutes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Adam Scott plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• Tenacious D sing "Roadie." / We see Pat Farmer with a fake tear. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Hey! My friend, Bill Lehecka, got the Cameo Mention in the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.] ••• [Shawn Pelton is on drums tonight.]

5/15/12 [3675]: "Controversial Magazine Covers" / video:

(title graphic)

(photo): Time cover

(voice-over): "Time shows a mother nursing her three-year-old child."

(photo): Newsweek cover

(voice-over): "Newsweek declares Barack Obama the first gay president."

(photo): People Weekly's logo

(voice-over): "And People unveils 2012's sexiest man alive: Democratic Congressman Henry Waxman."

(photo): People Weekly cover with the not-conventionally-handsome Congressman

(voice-over): "This has been 'Controversial Magazine Covers.' "

••• interruption: Here's a first. The program's "slide to unlock" feature engages. Director Jerry Foley overrides, and all is well. ••• "Other Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Mitt Romney" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): a smiling Mitten

(voice-over): "In 2004, Mitt Romney drove his car into a convenience store."

(clip): security cam catches Mitt's vehicle taking out a store front

(voice-over): "We'll be back with 'Other Hilarious Pranks Pulled by Mitt Romney.' "

••• Ron Paul has officially dropped out of the GOP primary race, which brings us to "Ron Paul at the Racetrack." (He's gone back to his former job.) / video:
(clip): We see a decades-old movie clip of a middle-aged couple watching a race.
••• "Gay Presidential Rumors" / video:
(title graphic and Academy Awards music)

(voice-over): "While apparently straight, Woodrow Wilson did have quite a few weight-lifting magazines."

(Photoshop fun): It's Woodrow holding a 5¢ copy of Physical Culture.

(FX): wolf whistle

(voice-over): "In case you're just joining us, this has been 'Gay Presidential Rumors.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "The Graphics Department Shows Off" (with a cutesy graphic) ••• desk chat:
  1. The lovely and talented Brian Williams of NBC is here. CBS has Scott Pelley. Is Brian better than Scott Pelley?

  2. Dr. Phil McGraw was on the show on 5/07/12. He was in New York rounding up kooks and crackpots. In fact, we have a clip: Dr. Phil is seen visiting with a kook or a crackpot (not sure which) about his anger issues, who suddenly turns into the Incredible Hulk. (Naturally, teen girls are heard screaming in desire.)
••• Top Ten Signs You're Shopping at a Bad Wal-Mart ••• Brian Williams has a 24-minute visit with Dave about Barack Obama's presidency. I think we all know who Dave will be voting for. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, Do you have a pet that's filed for bankruptcy?" ••• more Brian Williams ••• Alright! It's the traditional Brian Williams Misbehaves clip: We see Brian gathering his belongings as he leaves the green room. He spots a tempting tray of cookies, and dumps the lot of them into his briefcase. Felony! ••• El-P, with special Nick Diamonds, raps. (What a waste of time that was.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton is on drums.]

5/16/12 [3676]: "How Did Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Do on Jeopardy?" / video: Kareem correctly answers the question, but the camera only shows his chest. He's just that tall. ••• George W. Bush has endorsed Mitt Romney. / animation:

(title graphic)

The elevator begins to close, and George W. Bush says, "I strongly stand with Mitt Romney." His tie gets caught between the elevator doors, and we see it move up as the elevator ascends.

••• Mitt Romney's trying to reinvent himself as a prankster. He gave the commencement speech at Liberty University on May 12, and just look what happened.
(Romney clip on CNN): "The value of education. The merit of service. Devotion to a purpose greater than self. And at the foundation, the preeminence of family. The power of these values... this culture, is evidenced by a recent..."

(animation): The shot widens. Between every phrase, we see that Mitt's delivering a stomach punch to Todd Seda, dressed as a student in a cap and gown.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Ah, crap! Have I been wearing my pants inside out all day?" ••• desk chat: In the preshow questions, Crystal from Wyoming wanted to know if Dorothy ever embarrassed Dave when he was a young squirt. Dave has quite a report for us. Grab a snack. This is going to take a while.
(Dave): "This is the single-most embarrassing thing, caused by all good intentions from my mother. I was in the third grade, and when you're a third-grader, a lot of stuff happens to you that doesn't happen later in life. You know... it's just kids' stuff, and you're constantly falling and slipping off the seat of your bicycle, and jammin' your... you know... and stuff like that. That kind of thing doesn't happen much later in life. But you're always... and so this one time, I had this terrible pain in my left leg, and so we didn't think anything about it. And then the thing got larger, and then started to turn red. And it was now getting to be... you know... like, grapefruit in size. And clearly it was volcanic in nature. It seemed to be... and pardon me for being indelicate... some sort of pus-laden chancre."

(audience applause)

(Dave): "Thank you. And clearly there was an infection in, like, a pore or a hair follicle. And it hurt and ached and throbbed, and just got angrier and uglier. God forbid we go to the doctor! So my mother, and her mother, my grandmother, happened to be there, and they said, 'Well, you know what you've gotta do. You've gotta encourage this thing to resolve itself, and then it'll be fine.' So, uh, I think it was my grandmother said, 'What we used to do...' (Apparently happened earlier in the family.) 'Take a couple of slabs of raw bacon. Wrap it around the site, and then put some gauze on that, and then tape it.' OK. So, alright. Uh, so, that's what they do. I get on the school bus. I go to school. I'm sitting there, and now it's reading class, and the kids take turns take turns coming forward to read from the books. I didn't have my hand up, but by God, the teacher... apparently aroused by the smell of pork... 'You. Right up here.' "

(Paul): "Up to the front of the class."

(Dave continues): "So I'm readin' along and I feel... and I think, 'Oh... God... no. Oh... God... no.' So the tape and the gauze give way. Slip. Plop. Out falls a quarter-pound of bacon! Out of my pants!"

(Paul): "Out of my pants!"

(Dave): "Out of my pants!

(Paul): "Out of my pants!"

(Dave): "Out of my pants! Thank you, Mom! And thank you, Grandma! Yeah. Explain to the other kids why you've got bacon in your pants!"

••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the May 21, 2012 Time magazine, with a three-year-old boy standing on a stool, having himself some milk from Mommy. The story is, "Are You Mom Enough?" Dave says print journalism is struggling financially, and they're being controversial to sell their stuff. He sets out to show other controversial magazine covers, but the DAVE phone rings. It's a call from Jeff Altman, as Dave's Uncle Buddy.
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Hello... hello, Dave, it's your Uncle Buddy. Is... is... is now a good time to talk?"

(Dave, to the audience): "It's my Uncle Buddy, ladies and gentlemen. It's my mother's brother, Uncle Buddy."

(Dave, to Uncle Buddy): "Hi, Buddy. We're right in the middle of the show. Go ahead. What's up?"

(Jeff burps, then): "Oh, good." (burps) "Now, this isn't easy for me to say, Dave, but I need to get somethin' off my chest."

(Dave): "OK, Buddy."

(Jeff): "Uh, well, you see... you see... the family and I..."

(Jeff, yelling across the room): "Kitty don't touch that. I'm not tellin' you again!"

(Dave): "Buddy?"

(Jeff): "We've seen your show, Dave, and..." (farts) "Pardon me. We seen your show, and we tried to enjoy it, but we just couldn't."

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

(Jeff): "I... I mean, you don't sing or dance. You're not smart like Dr. Oz."

(Dave): "Right."

(Jeff, yelling across the room): "Kitty, get away from that bare wire!"

(Dave): "Uh huh. Oh, you've got a kitty! That's good. Well, uh..."

(Jeff): "Listen, Dave."

(Dave): "Yes."

(Jeff): "What I'm tryin' to say is, when we have our next little fam..." (farts) "family get-together..."

(Paul): "Ha!"

(Dave): "Yes?"

(Jeff): "Just stay away from me and my wife, so we don't have to make any conversation. OK?"

(Dave): "OK."

(Jeff): "We'd really appreciate it, alright?"

(Dave): "I can do that. I can take care of it, Buddy. Thanks for callin' in."

(FX): dial tone

(Dave): "Alright, that was my Uncle Buddy! I haven't heard from him in a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, when we come back, Betty White will be here, everybody."

(CBSO): "25 or 6 to 4"

••• Top Ten George W. Bush Nicknames for Mitt Romney ••• Betty White, 90, plugs Betty White's Off Their Rockers. She's a great guest, as always. ••• Former Marine Corporal Moses Maddox has a long segment with Dave about G. I. benefits and high unemployment among military veterans. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Moses Maddox ••• desk chat: Dave gives the Late Show's URL for support of veterans or something. ••• Best Coast sing. They weren't as bad as El-P last night, but bad, nonetheless. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Anton Fig is back.]

5/17/12 [3677]: Someone's found a clip of Mitt Romney laughing, and the video editors pasted it together six or seven times, taking it to the point of being creepy. This author predicts we'll see this clip about five times per show, until November. / video: "Laughing Mitt Romney Edit," Serial No. 0001 ••• CBS has canceled CSI: Miami. Dave's buddy in Security has a recording of the CBS executives making the decision. / video:

(black & white clip, with time stamp): three men seated at a table, with the CBS Eye on the wall behind them

(Executive #1): "So, we're in agreement."

(Executive #2): "Yes."

(Executive #3): "Looks like CSI: Miami..." (puts on sunglasses) "...is dead on arrival."

(all three): laugh their asses off

(theme song)

••• "Fox News Guest of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(PBF Energy Chairman Thomas D. O'Malley): "If that gets me on the list, we need more people."

(Megyn Kelly): "Tom O'Malley, thank you for being here."

(O'Malley): "Thank you for having me."

(Kelly): "All the best, sir."

(O'Malley): "All the best."

(Kelly, now on camera): "Well, we have a developing story in Ohio now."

(O'Malley walks between the live camera and Megyn.)

(Kelly): "Tom, don't leave yet."

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(Dave): "Nice to see Elmer Fudd working again."

••• monologue: Forbes published a list of the 100 most powerful celebrities. Dave says he's between a Kardashian husband and Tanning Mom, Patricia Krentcil. / Will Lee's "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream ••• video: "Laughing Mitt Romney Edit," Serial No. 0002 ••• video: Rick Santorum, telling what he thinks of tonight's bull      . ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Name That Electric Drill": That's right. It's the Black & Decker® LDX112C. ••• John Mayer is sitting in on guitar tonight. ••• interruption: Dave's minding his own business at his command module when Michael Z. McIntee, smartly attired in a tuxedo, appears.
(Dave, to the intruder): "Yeah. Hi."

(Dave, to the audience): "I'll handle this."

(Dave): "Excuse me, sir. Who are you?"

(Mike): "I'm Darryl Forbes, from Forbes magazine. It is my honor to present you with an award for ranking number 41 on our list of the 100 Most Powerful Celebrities."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. I'm honored. That's great. Excuse me, Darryl. What do I win?"

(Mike approaches the command module and gives Dave a cheek-to-cheek hug that lasts five seconds, but seems like it went on for about a week.

(Dave): "OK. Alright."

(Mike): "Congratulations from Fortune magazine." He begins to walk away.

(Dave): "Now, I thought you... I thought you said Forbes magazine."

(Mike): "That's what I said."

(Dave): "That was wildly unpleasant."

••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the May 21, 2012 Time magazine, with a three-year-old boy standing on a stool, having himself some dairy-fresh milk from Mommy. The story is, "Are You Mom Enough?" ("Go to Dairy Queen®," Dave says.) More and more publishers are pulling stunts like this. Let's look at other controversial covers, shall we?
Time for May 28, 2012: "Exclusive Interview with Our Recently-Fired Photo Editor"

Town & Country: "Want WiFi, Cable TV & Electricity? Steal it from Your Neighbors."

Cosmopolitan: "Lose Weight with Parasites."

The Economist: "When Will America End Its Dependency on Foreign Pudding?"

Esquire profile: "Larry Underpants: The Man Who Invented Underpants... and the Advice That Changed His Life"

US Weekly: "Did Judd Hirsch Murder Ricardo Montalban?"

Photo Pro: "We Test the 2012 Lens Caps"

TV Guide: Are We Still in Business?"

People Weekly: "Newt Gingrich Pregnant with Twins?"

••• Conan O'Brien and Dave visit about the orderly (?) transition of power from Conan to Jay in early 2011. It was a great visit. ••• Act 5: John Mayer plays with the CBSO. ••• more Conan O'Brien ••• Regina Spektor sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/18/12 [3678]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a young lady who has a stupid human trick of some sort. ••• Asteroids are very trendy these days. NASA has a video:

(animation): an asteroid field in space

(voice-over): "NASA has catalogued as many as 4,700 asteroids in our solar system with the potential to strike the earth, resulting in widespread damage. NASA believes the only reasonable response is, GO CRAZY!!!!!"

(movie clip): civil disobedience and machine gun fire

(graphic): NASA logo

(voice-over): "NASA: Spanish for cheese."

••• ••• monologue: "I was talkin' to Mitt Romney earlier today. He and his family have a big weekend planned. They're gonna hike to the top of his money." ••• A presidential candidate needs to appear presidential. / "Mitt Romney: Thank You, Mr. President." / video:
(title graphic)

(Mitten on CNN): "I'm not familiar, precisely, with exactly what I said, but I stand behind what I said... whatever it was."

(title graphic)

••• "Laughing Mitt Romney Edit," Serial No. 0003 ••• Joe Biden was giving a speech this week, and a fly was buzzing around his head. We learn how politicians handled this situation in the past in "Politicians and Flies." / video:
(title graphic)

  • Joe Biden, May 16, 2012: "The last time this philosophy was in play, which was eight years before we took office..." (A red arrow shows the fly on the V.P's head.)

  • Barack Obama, June 16, 2009: The president swats his left hand with his right hand, exterminating the fly, just like that. (shot of the fly carcass on the carpet)

  • Jimmy Carter, June 15, 1979: An animated fly circles Jimmy's head. When it gets too close for comfort, Jimmy's frog tongue scoops it in. Yum.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Geopolitical Encouragement Corner": "Hang in there, Greece!" ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. (Those flower arrangements get more hideous with each passing week.) / video:
(Dave): "You know what? Before we really get flyin' on the program, let's check in with Bruce and Linda," (to Paul: "You know Bruce and Linda"), "and find out what's going on on the Weekend Late Show. Bruce... Linda... take it away."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. One hundred twenty-eight years ago tomorrow, the Ringling Brothers Circus opened." (to Bruce): "What's your favorite part of the circus?"

(Bruce): "I always liked the trained monkeys."

(Linda): "Oh, yes, I love the trapeze. Well, we're going to visit with Elmer Pratt, a concessions vendor who joined Ringling Brothers in 1963, and has been with them ever since."

(Bruce): "I hope you bring some cotton candy! It's also Teacher Appreciation Month. We'll meet three teachers who are finalists for the Weekend Late Show Golden Chalkboard Awards."

(Linda): "Wonderful! Now, Election Day isn't until November. But if you think you have what it takes to be an election volunteer, you can't wait until fall to start learning those skills. We'll show you how to get involved."

(Bruce): "All that, plus homemade applesauce, panic attacks and the fundamentals of welding. Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

••• [On May 11, 14-year-old Ryan Hart was biting into an Arby's® roast beef sandwich, and encountered a piece he described as "rubbery." He spit out the item, which turned out to be a part of a finger, measuring about 1" long and ¼" thick.] / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear in a Fast Food Restaurant / #1: "My sandwich is giving me the finger!" ••• desk chat: Dave and Paul sadly mention that disco legend Donna Summer died yesterday at the age of 63. Felicia Collins did a beautiful job with her unforgettable "Last Dance" during the commercial. ••• Sacha Baron Cohen plugs The Dictator. It was so weird hearing his British accent, rather a Kazahkstan accent. ••• interruption: What's that piano music while Dave's trying to say something? "Skylar" is one of Paul's piano students. He's giving his first recital during tonight's show. The shot widens to show Kathy Mavrikakis (and an unknown man) as the prodigy's parents, seated nearby. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "One More Thing to Worry About": super-intelligent pigeons taking over ••• Julie Chen plugs The Talk. ••• Beach House sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/21/12 [3679]: The Preakness was run over the weekend, and the Kentucky Derby winner won. NBC doesn't like to share the footage, so we have "Preakness Stakes Simulation." / video: Well, OK, maybe it's an ostrich race. ••• Hey, what better time for the animation of that thing on Trump's head? / animation: Tonight, the thing's a growling dog. ••• interruption: The nurse (Jane Gabbert) appears beside Dave. She says, "Open your mouth," and checks his throat. Dave wonders if it looks OK. She says, "Yeah, it's good enough." She leaves Dave with by insisting that Dave should quit telling the head nurse she's stealing his socks. ••• "What Would a Romney Presidency Be Like?" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "What would a Romney presidency be like? Day 1: President Romney immediately approves the keystone pipeline, introduces tax cuts and reforms, and issues the order to begin replacing Obamacare. Day 2: Mitt Romney is reminded by his wife, Ann, that he lost to President Obama by a landslide. That's what a Romney presidency will be like."

(Mitt voice-over): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Joe Bonamassa is sitting in on guitar tonight. ••• Dave shows a photo of an Indian man with a 14-foot mustache. / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Growing a 14-foot Mustache ••• Dave checks with Nancy Agostini about something. He gets clearance, then pushes the new button on the left side of his swivel chair. He launches a screaming Paul out onto Broadway! He pushes it again, and launches himself out onto Broadway. He actually sticks to the side of a skyscraper. / Alan Kalter walks on camera to address the situation.
(Alan): "My God, ladies and gentlemen, there's been a terrible accident. But before we jump to conclusions, let me assure you late night fans that talk shows are built to the highest safety standards, and highly-trained emergency crews are enroute. For the record, this is not the way it went in rehearsal. These two brave men are in the top physical condition of their lives. They knew the risks when they came here from NBC. They knew what they were getting into. They knew that if they just... Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute." (Alan listens to an earpiece.) "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm being told that they're OK. Thank God, they're OK! We'll be right back!"

(At the end of this comedy gem, a hand camera shows Paul hiding under his organ. We see him cue the band with his microphone that talks to the band members' earpieces.)

••• outside cam: a look at the Shaolin Warriors' set-up ••• Lea Michele plugs Glee. ••• Barry Sonnenfeld plugs Men In Black III, which he directed. ••• Act 5: It's Joe Bonamassa with the CBSO. ••• more Barry Sonnenfeld / By the way, what is this famous hypochondriac's philosophy of life? The short version is, "Live in fear." The slightly longer version is,
  1. Regret the past.
  2. Dread the future.
  3. Never live in the present.
••• [Hey, we're about to go outside, so here's the traditional weather report: 52° F, 90% humidity, barometric pressure ↓, wind: 5 MPH, visibility: 5 miles] / outside cam: We meet Ringling Brothers ringmaster Johnathan Lee Iverson. Shaolin Warriors, Sun and Qin, jump through a ring of blades, and a ring of fire. It was mind-boggling to imagine how they do it. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/22/12 [3680]: Tonight's audience shout out is to fans from San Diego. ••• monologue:

"Comin' to work this morning, I come up out of the subway, and there's a cop. And he says, 'OK, let's go. Up against the wall.' And I said, 'Oh, I know. It's that stop and frisk thing. So he frisks me, and I thought, 'Alright, at least that's over.' And then he says, 'Alright, now you frisk me.' Then I said, 'Are you really a cop?' And he said, "No, I'm just lonely.' "
••• It's mosquito season in New York City. Here's the bad news: the mosquitoes are breeding in the hot dog vendors' water! Every time there's a problem in New York, it's 100 times worse than anywhere else. Dave shows a big, yellow MOSQUITO XING sign. (The skeeter's the size of a B-52!) ••• Tonight's fun gag is "Ben Bernanke Teen Girls in the Balcony." They'll be screaming like they're seeing The Beatles (or Ben Bernanke) every time Dave says "Mitt Romney." We'll see them seven times. ••• Tonight is the 20th anniversary of Johnny Carson leaving the Tonight Show. It's hard to believe it's been that long. ••• "CBS News Election 2012 Headquarters" /

(voice-over): "CBS News is unable to produce any polling data at this time. We're breaking in the new batch of summer interns, and everything's complete chaos. We now return you to the Late Show.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Will Smith Fun Fact" ••• desk chat:
  1. Out of commercial, Dave has a shout out for Felicia, who's just given another spectacular performance.

  2. We have CNN coverage of the private space launch last night.

    (male voice, with final countdown at launch site): "Three. Two. One. And launch of the Space X Falcon 9 rocket."

    (female voice-over): "That happened while most of the country slept last night. The unmanned rocket carried into orbit a capsule packed with 1,000 pounds of provisions, as well as the remains of hundreds of space enthusiasts and celebrities, like former Star Trek star James Doohan, Mercury 7 astronaut Gordon Cooper and character actor Eli Wallach."

    (voice of Eli Wallach): "Hey! Wait! I'm not dead!"

    (graphic): CNN logo

    (voice-over): "Suzanne Jenkins, CNN."

  3. Dave remembers back in the NBC days, they went to an inventors' convention, and a Mexican guy had an "I'm not dead" alarm for coffins. (This was from sometime in 1982.) He'd personally been interred prematurely three times!
••• Tonight's Top Ten is sponsored by Bernhard Goetz's E. coli Grill. Try the schnitzel! ••• Background for tonight's TTL: A private auction house auctioned a vial of Ronald Reagan's blood for $11,000. / Top Ten Other Odd Presidential Auction Items / #1: Lyndon Baines' Johnson ••• Will Smith plugs Men in Black III. He's always a fun guest. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "I actually recorded this hours ago. Right now I'm home, relaxing in my bathtub. Ahhhhh. Back after this." ••• It's back to the soundproof booth for another "Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft." The gag is that Bill knows the answers better than the producers of the show. That's all you need to know. (Well, and that the segment is sponsored by Sealtest® ice cream.) ••• Gossip sing. (How did they get on TV?)

5/23/12 [3681]: monologue:

"And the big weekend... the Memorial Day picnics... and, don't do it. I know on paper it looks good. Don't do it, because your family shows up, and there's liquor involved, and I mean, honest to God, it's like alcohol and firearms. I mean, last year my Uncle drinkin' out of the thing. He said, 'That's my hip flask,' and I said, 'No, that's the charcoal starter.' "
••• Both of our candidates for president have served time at Harvard University, which brings us to "How They Got into Harvard." / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): Barack Obama in a cap and gown

(voice-over): "President Obama was accepted into Harvard Law School based on his high marks at Columbia University, and his successful work in the Developing Communities and the Gamaliel Foundation."

(clip): Mitt Romney in a cap and gown

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney got into Harvard because of Daddy."

(photo): Daddy Romney

(FX): cash register bell

(voice-over): "This has been 'How They Got into Harvard.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: Dave doesn't like the jokes.
(Dave, to Tony Mendez): "What's the one behind that, Tony?"

(Tony holds up the cue card in question.)

(Dave): "Oh, oh oh, we can't... Are we done with that, or are we not gonna do that one?"

(Tony): "I thought you didn't wanna do it."

(Dave): "What... what gave you that idea?"

(Tony): "You saw it, and you said, 'Oh, my God!' "

(Dave, after a big laugh): "He's right. Tony, you wanna do it? You wanna try one?"

(Tony, shaking his head): "No. No."

(Dave): "Come on. You can do one for me. Please. I'm beggin' you. Here."

(Tony): "Alright."

(Tony moves to Dave's mark, then motions to Dave.): "Get closer to the lens."

(Dave): "Aw, shut up!"

(Tony): "You guys remember Al Gore?"

(audience, cheerfully): "Yeah!"

(Dave): What? What the hell is that?! It's like a     damned Greek chorus all-of-a-sudden!" (points to Tony) "He's not even wearing a tie!"

(Tony continues.): "Hey! He has a new girlfriend. Al reminds me of Mitt Romney... but with personality!"

(CBS Orchestra): the Tonight Show theme

(Dave and Tony shake hands and return to their assigned locations.)

••• A candidate for president needs a running mate who can capture a group of voters, which brings us to "Balancing the Ticket." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney and Marco Rubio." (split screen photos) "A balanced ticket."

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney and Chris Christie. Not a balanced ticket."

(animation): We see Romney and Chris Christie added to opposite sides of the scales of justice. Romney flies skyward.

(voice-over): "This has been a Chris Christie Fat Joke."

(cartoon music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights •••
(Dave): "You know what, ladies and gentlemen, before we get any farther into the show, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Kids... take it way. Bruce... Linda..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy unofficial start of summer."

(Bruce): "What a weekend coming up! Monday off. The Indy 500. And my favorite... we kick off the barbecue season! Kiss the cook!" (eyes get big)

(Linda, to Bruce): "Oh, I'll bet you have one of those silly aprons."

(Bruce): "I have a whole collection!"

(Linda): "Well, you should wear yours Saturday, as we show you how to prepare your entire Memorial Day meal... starters, sides, even desserts... right on the grill. Bring your appetite!"

(Bruce): "I can't wait! We'll also test the newest sunscreens, to find out which are the strongest, and work the longest."

(Linda): "Fascinating! And our own Wink Wilson will meet a man who has the largest-known collection of Indianapolis 500 memorabilia. He's turned his basement into a museum."

(Bruce): "Neat. All that, plus pawn shops, decorating your patio and a visit to a firing range. Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, that's some show!"

(Paul): "Jam-packed!"

••• desk chat: Dave loves grilled organ meats. ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Barbecue ••• It's the annual visit from the Piedmont Bird Callers.
Third Place: Wes Carter Dunlap, Lawrence Ma and Will Meredith do the California Quail.

Second Place: Fenua Ibabao does a Green Heron.

Champions: Cameron Anderson, Tlalli Moya-Smith and Sheli Schacker do a Greater Prairie Chicken.

All the callers chirp in unison.

••• Bill O'Reilly plugs his book, Killing Lincoln. Dave's in the mood for a thoughtful discussion on politics and world affairs. He and Bill have a great interview. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Bill O'Reilly ••• Pitbull sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/24/12: REPEAT FROM 5/02/12

5/25/12: REPEAT FROM 4/12/12

5/28/12: REPEAT FROM 4/27/12

5/29/12: REPEAT FROM 5/03/12

5/30/12: REPEAT FROM 4/26/12

5/31/12: REPEAT FROM 5/08/12

6/01/12: REPEAT FROM 4/11/12

6/04/12 [3682]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Rhode Island with questions for Dave on child rearing. ••• monologue: "The only public official who's been in office longer than Mayor Michael Bloomberg is Santa!" Recently he's made pop his health target, and wants to make serving sizes over 16 ounces illegal. / Photoshop fun: It's the 5' 6" mayor standing next to a 7-Eleven® Big Gulp, and almost as tall as the cup. ••• What a whoop-tee-do in England, as the Diamond Jubilee for Queen Elizabeth is underway. (That's 60 years of being the boss lady.) One of the events is a 1000-boat flotilla on the Thames. (A flotilla is basically a boat traffic jam.) Naturally, we have video from the BBC.

(clips from the event)

(voice-over, with a pompous British accent): "On this 11-kilometer route are historic vessels, barges and various other watercraft, as far as the eye can see. And now, here comes Queen Elizabeth, piloting royal powerboat 'The Spirit of Chartwell.' "

(clip): We see a super-powered speedboat that looks like the space shuttle, doing a wheelie and flipping 180° end-over-end.

(voice-over): "I'm being told she's OK."

(The crowd cheers.)

••• Over the weekend, the official White House portrait of George W. Bush was hung. First we see President Nixon's portrait. His eyes move from side to side. (He looks a little tricky, if you ask me.) We have "Presidential Portraits: A Look Back." / video:
(title graphic and Jerry Goldsmith's main title from Rudy)

(portrait): JFK, arms folded, looking down

(voice-over): "A reflective John F. Kennedy charts the course to the New Frontier."

(portrait): Ronald Reagan, looking presidential

(voice-over): "A quietly-confident Ronald Reagan sits peacefully on the Truman Balcony."

(portrait): George W. Bush, standing, with his hand on a chair

(voice-over): "A determined George W. Bush gazes toward the future in the Oval Office."

(animation): The president's chair slides. He disappears completely.

(voice-over): "Hope you enjoyed 'Presidential Portraits: A Look Back.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dave wants his late night show to be a civics class as much as anything else, while putting you to sleep with a smile on your face, like Dr. Conrad Murray. We watch "How a Bill Becomes a Law." / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(Illinois Rep. Mike Bost, R-Murphysboro, rants on May 29): "Again, total power in one person's hands. Not the American way!" (throws something, then begins screaming) "These damned bills that come out here all of the time... come out here at the last second! I've got to figure out how to vote for my people! How ashamed of it are you... or you should be! You should be ashamed of yourselves! I'm sick of it! Every        year!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Barge of the Week" (with the prototype Shuttle Enterprise) ••• desk chat:
  1. It's big shout out for the CBS Orchestra.

  2. Dave wants us to know that he's on our side. He's bitten his tongue until he has a mouthful of blood. He says it's time that we stop it. We must stop this word now, before it lands in the dictionary. That word is bromance.

  3. Dave has a fine desk rant about a $5 telescoping back scratcher that was made in China.
••• The New York Mets got their first-ever no-hitter in CitiField on June 1. Pitcher Johan Santana was originally scheduled to be on, but canceled. Regardless, we have the Top Ten Pitches Johan Santana Used During His No-Hitter. ••• Joan Rivers plugs her book I Hate Everyone, Starting with Me. (There's several minutes of my life I'll never get back.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dario Franchitti visits with Dave about his third Indianapolis 500 win on May 27, just edging Rahal Letterman Lanigan's Takuma Sato, who crashed on the last turn. ••• Silversun Pickups sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Silversun Pickups did a live webcast at 8 p.m. ET.]

6/05/12 [3683]: monologue:

"Hey! How many of you folks saw the Queen's Diamond Jubilee? Oh, my God! haven't seen a royal wedding like that since the Kardashian thing. I never in my life thought I'd see the Queen's flotilla. Wow! 'Dave, get in here! They're showin' her flotilla!' "
••• What did Rick Santorum think of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee? "It's bull    ." (from March 26) ••• "Fox Sports Update" / video:
(title graphic and "PM Theme")

(Greg Amsinger of the MLB Network): "Out to the action between the Cubs and the New Dick Stockton and Eric Karros have the call, right here on Fox. Enjoy the game."

For the next 17 seconds, we see Amsinger looking around the room, unaware that his camera is live.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and an invitation to apply to be Mitt Romney's running mate by June 15 ••• desk chat:
  1. Great Britain has been celebrating Queen Elizabeth's Golden Jubilee. We see her addressing her subjects on TV. On a table nearby is a framed picture of Mr. David Letterman.

  2. Michelle Obama has supposedly written a book, American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America. Dave tells about his parents planting their garden every spring.

  3. Dave wants us all to visit a national park.
••• From the Map Room of the White House, Michelle Obama presents the Top Ten Facts About Gardening. ••• desk chat: The time is in on Dave's discourse about Michelle Obama and gardening: 5 min. 46 sec. Dave wonders if his chatter comes from a pituitary disorder. ••• Neil Patrick Harris plugs How I Met Your Mother, has a lengthy report on his adventures with TelePrompTers, and answers his questions about America's sweetheart, Oprah, visiting his house for a televised interview. ••• Noomi Rapace plugs Prometheus. There's several minutes of my life I'll never get back. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Alan Jackson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/06/12 [3684]: Tonight's audience shout out is to fans from Jackson, Michigan. ••• [Venus tried its best to create a solar eclipse on June 5, but it's too far away. What we got instead was called the Transit of Venus, with the planet leaving a small, dark, moving dot visible on the sun. Next appearance? 105 years from now.] / Dave shows a video of CBS's Scott Pelley reporting, and a helpful technician wiping the dot off the screen with some glass cleaner and a rag. ••• Donald Trump owns Miss Universe, and the annual pageant ran over the weekend. Now Miss Pennsylvania USA is claiming that the pageant is fixed. He appeared on Good Morning America today. / video:

(George Stephanopoulos): "He's on the phone, and of course, he's the co-owner of the Miss USA and the Miss Universe Pageant. Good morning, Mr. Trump. How are you doin' today?"

(Donald): "Good morning, George."

(George): "You heard the charge: this is fixed. What... Is it true?"

(Donald): "Oh, absolutely!"

(George): "The final word from Donald Trump this morning. Thanks for joining us."

(Donald): "Oh, thank you."

(GMA graphic)

••• interruption: The nurse (Jane Gabbert) is back to torment Dave.
(Dave): "Hi. Could I help you?"

(nurse): "We put you on a different medication. I just have to see how you're reacting."

(Dave): "Uh... I don't know why we have to do this now, but I'm fine. Thank you."

(nurse): "Any drowsiness?"

(Dave): "No."

(nurse): "Lethargy?"

(Dave): "No."

(nurse): "Gait disturbances?"

(Dave): "No."

(nurse): "Tongue swollen?"

(Dave): "No."

(nurse): "Any trouble swallowing?"

(Dave): "No."

(nurse): "Any cognitive diminishment?"

(Dave): "Yeah, maybe a little."

(nurse): "Mmmm. Any paresthesia in the extremities?"

(Dave): "Uh, no. I don't know what that means, but no."

(nurse): "No. No, but I heard you fell in the shower."

(Dave): "I did not fall in the shower. The... the soap got away from me."

(nurse): "So... you are able to move about freely?"

(Dave): "Yes."

(nurse): "You're not having any trouble speaking?"

(Dave, raising his voice): "Does it sound like I'm having trouble speaking?"

(nurse, sighing, then writing on clipboard): "Damn."

••• Al Qaeda's #2 man, Abu Yahya al-Libi, was killed by a drone in Pakistan on June 4. Here's a spy photo, taken from the drone, seconds before the attack. / Photoshop fun: We see two Middle-Eastern gents, side-by-side, each wearing white T-shirts saying "AL QAEDA #2," with an arrow pointing to the other. ••• "A Queen's Diamond Jubilee Recap" / video:
(title graphic, a picture of Her Majesty and uppity British music)

(pictures from the jubilee, the flotilla, that hottie Kate, etc.)

(voice-over): "Hat. Hat. Boat. Boat. Hat. Hat. Hat. Boat. Hat. Boat. Hat. Boat. Boat. Hat. Hat. Hat. Boat. Hat."

(clip of Prince Phillip, hands folded over his abdomen)

(other voice-over): "Bladder infection."

(another voice-over): "This concludes our 'Queen's Diamond Jubilee Recap.' "

(title graphic and uppity British music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a reminder: "If you would like the chocolate soufflè for dessert, please order it now, as it takes additional time to prepare. Back in a moment!" ••• Mitten Romney's e-mail account was recently hacked. / Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received by Mitt Romney (including the clip of Mitt's prancing horse) ••• Jane Fonda plugs Peace, Love, & Misunderstanding. She's 74 years old, and seems to be in better shape than most teenagers. ••• The mayor of London, England, Boris Johnson, plugs his book, Johnson's Life of London. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jimmy Cliff sings... if that's what you call it. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/07/12 [3685]: Tonight's audience shout out is to fans from White Plains, including two young gentlemen wearing striped shirts that bring to mind prison uniforms. Stay tuned for more. ••• monologue: Dave wants to talk about the presidential campaign: Newt Romney... "The Newter." Or was that Knut Rockne? Anyway, over the weekend, Mitt sent his supporters a photo app, "With Mitt." It gives people the chance to frame their photos with Mitt slogans. Unfortunately, some of the slogans misspelled America as Amercia. / video:

(clip): Mitt on the campaign trail

(computer screen captures)

(voice-over): "The campaign to elect Mitt Romney would like to apologize for any typos that have appeared on our Facebook page, Twitter feed and other social media sites. To prevent future typos, the unpaid intern managing these sites has been fired."

(Photoshop fun): "FIRED" as a rubber stamp over Newt Gingrich's picture

(voice-over): "Vote Mitt Romney for a better Amercia."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a warning that he'll eventually crack our ATM passwords ••• Top Ten Other Superhero Revelations / #8: Doctor Strange lives in White Plains. ••• detour: During the Top Ten, Dave persuades the White Plains guys to exchange their striped prison shirts on camera, as the CBSO plays the Beach Boys' "Fun, Fun, Fun." (They're the only things on CBS right now.) Paul says they look like the early Beach Boys, who wore striped shirts in concerts. ••• Bill Murray plugs Moonrise Kingdom. The CBSO plays Bill on with a fine version of "Time Is Tight." Bill has made up a ridiculous story about a one-man show that features him as a hologram, playing a banjo. Bill patiently plays along as Dave reviews Bill's entire film career. It's always great to have another visit with Dave's first guest ever. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Temper Trap played a live webcast at 9 ET.] ••• [This week's Weekend Late Show preview was edited out, because Bill Murray got 26 minutes!]

6/08/12: REPEAT FROM 4/30/12

6/11/12 [3686]: monologue: Dave's obviously gotten another preshow question about his gray socks. He raises his pants legs to model them. We're not quite sure how long they are, but he looks like one of the framers of the Constitution. ••• Dave's buddy who keeps weather records reports that New York City had the warmest spring ever. It was about 2° F a day warmer. That's two degrees more than Dr. Phil has! / Meteorologists believe rising temperatures explain Suntan Mom Patricia Krentcil. / photo / Will Lee does his Dick Cheney's Dungeon scream. ••• "U. S. Senate Clip of the Night" / video:

(title graphic)

(C-SPAN clip): Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) says, "...the standards which Senator Obama laid out, or the standards in... expressed..."

We hear the iPhone® Marimba ringtone. The Senator quickly fishes his phone out of his pocket and silences it.

(title graphic)

••• [On June 8, Barack Obama made the claim that the private sector of the U. S. economy was "doing fine." Later that day, Mitt Romney wondered, "Is he really that out of touch?" during an appearance in Council Bluffs, Iowa, continuing, "I think he's really defining what it means to be out of touch with reality."] / video:
(voice-over): "After President Obama made this statement..."

(Obama): "The private sector's doing fine."

(voice-over): "...Mitt Romney quickly responded..."

(Mitt): "He said, 'The private sector is doing fine.' Is he really that out of touch?"

(voice-over, with FX): "while speaking from the hot tub of his luxury yacht, on another yacht, next to a private island, that's part of this chain of islands, on his own planet."

(photo): Mitt Romney

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: In Touch with the Common Man."

Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Alan Kalter's Wacky Thoughts": "When a Triple-A towtruck breaks down, who does the driver call?" ••• desk chat:
  1. It's been a while, but Dave's back to the topic of Broadway being closed to traffic on some blocks and/or times of day. He shows a photo of a divider island at 53rd St. that Mayor Bloomberg's administration put in a couple of years ago. It's a sorry-looking thing.

  2. Dave wonders aloud why he goes out in public. Something really knocked the wind out of him. He was approached over the weekend by a citizen who believed he was the late Morton Downey, Jr.

  3. We're back to the Broadway discussion. The other day, supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis, unit manager Pam Norozny and executive producer Jude Brennan took it upon themselves to make something of the island at 53rd St. They called Arborpolitan of Red Hook, Brooklyn to spruce up the aforementioned island. The arborculturists put in Micanthis, Catmint, Bugleweed, sunflower seeds and a Zelkova Serrata elm tree. (We see a live shot of the improvements.)
••• Mark Wahlberg plugs Ted. He's working on his high school diploma in his spare time, and has a restaurant, Wahlbergers, with his brother in Hingham, Mass. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a call for a giant squid that Jack Hanna can bring on tomorrow's show ••• race driver Sebastian Vettel ••• Black Box Revelation sing.

6/12/12 [3687]: [Bootsy Collins is sitting in tonight. He collaborated with Paul and the soon-to-be CBSO in 1993's The World's Most Dangerous Party.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy wearing a William & Mary College shirt. ••• Governor Cuomo wants to make possession of small amounts of marijuana legal. Leave it to a commercial operation to jump on the bandwagon. / video:

(various clips)

(voice-over): "New York governor Andrew Cuomo has proposed decriminalizing the private possession of small amounts of marijuana."

(FX): American flag background, with Cuomo and a thumbs-up superimposed

(voice-over): "Andrew Cuomo: The Right Choice for President in 2012."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "A message from Frito Lay, makers of Doritos®, Cheetos®, Fritos®, Tostitos®, Sun Chips®, Ruffles®, and Lays® potato chips."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Amazing But True": "About 30% of people have blowholes, and most aren't even aware of it! Check the top of your head -- you might be surprised!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Paul introduces Bootsy Collins.

  2. Jungle Jack Hanna is in. Dave wants to know about a lion-tiger cross, a liger.
••• [There's controversy over Attorney General Eric Holder, with accusations that the Obama White House leaked secure information for political gain.] / TTL montage / interruption: a call from "Brenda" /
(Dave): "Hello."

(Brenda): "Good evening. My name is Brenda, and I'm calling from the American Voting Federation. How are you doing tonight?"

(Dave): "I'm... I'm good. Did you say your name was Brenda?"

(Brenda): "Do I sound like a Brenda?"

(Dave): "Well, no, I..."

(Brenda, interrupting): "What the hell is wrong with you?"

(Dave): "Well, that's why I asked. We're a little busy right now."

(Brenda): "I just have a few questions about this fall's election. Are you the head of the household?"

(Dave): "Uhhh, well, you know, technically speaking, this is not a household."

(Brenda): "Could you put your daddy on the phone, then?"

(Paul): laughing

(Daddy): "Hello. This is Daddy."

(Brenda): "Good evening, sir. I'm going to read a list of the 50 states. Stop me when I get to the one where you're registered to vote. Alabama. Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut..."

(Daddy): "Excuse me."

(Brenda): "...Delaware..."

(Daddy): "Excuse me. Sir, let me save us all some time here. New York. Live in New York. OK?"

(Brenda): "Hey! Do I tell you how to run your job, Hollywood?"

(Daddy): "No. No."

(Paul): "Hollywooood! Hollywooood!"

(FX): blender

(Daddy): "What... what... what... what is going on there?"

(Brenda): "I'm whippin' up a banana smoothie!"

(Daddy): "OK." (laughs) "Alright, well, stop doing that!"

(Brenda): "Question two."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Brenda): If the election were held tomorrow..."

(Daddy): "Right."

(Brenda): "Would you be more likely to vote for Ed Muskie or Victor Mature?"

(Daddy): "Well, I don't... I... you know... this is silly. Neither of them are running for office. I think they're both dead."

(Brenda): "Can you move it along, Chief? I've gotta go wash my truck."

(Daddy): "OK, fine... whatever. Now, let's do this at another time, when you're less busy."

(FX): blender again

(Brenda): "Damn you, Chief. Now look what you made me do!"

(Brenda): "I've gotta clean up. Look, uh... I'll call you again in two hours, from the bathtub."

(Dave): "OK. Fine." (hangs up)

(Dave): "I've learned my lesson. Don't answer the phony phone."

••• Top Ten Other White House Leaks ••• Out of commercial, Dave, almost whispering, asks Paul to ask Mr. Collins if he can try on his hat. Yes! ••• Jack Hanna, with
  1. two little snow leopards

  2. Abdim storks

  3. Siberian lynx kitten

  4. Pakistani cobra

  5. Dromedary camels

  6. coyotes

  7. serval cats

  8. wolves
••• Act 5: a quick shot of Bootsy with the CBSO ••• more with Jack Hanna ••• Patti Smith sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/13/12 [3688]: interruption: A buffering progress bar appears onscreen. We hear Dave, but his image lags until buffering hits 100%. ••• There's an interplanetary search underway for a replacement for Regis Philbin on Live. Dave rambles on about this for 67 seconds, then says to Tony Mendez, "Aw, just turn the card!" ••• "Will Mitt Romney say 'Doughnut'?" / video:

(title graphic and 70s game show music)

(clip): A casually-dressed Mitt is seen at a diner table on the campaign trail.)

(voice-over): "Will Mitt Romney say 'doughnut'?"

(Mitt, pointing across the table): "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Jarrett, will you see that one those chocolate, uh... uh, chocolate goodies finds its way to one of our guys?"

(FX): No buzzer and X

(voice-over): " 'Will Mitt Romney Say 'Doughnut'?' is a Barry, Enright and Friendly production."

(title graphic)

••• HBO has a new documentary about George H. W. Bush, 41, to be seen on Thursday. / video:
(title graphic and sappy music)

(clips): George H. W. Bush

(voice-over): "Devoted husband. Decorated veteran. Vice-president. President. 41."

(clip): George W. Bush

(new voice-over): "Then a look at America's most-hilarious president, 43."

(clips of W's mishaps, with cartoon music)

(title graphic and animated 43)

(new voice-over): "43. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave was at a kids' softball game over the weekend, when a boy informed him, "You know, drugs are bad."

  2. Dave gave up drinking in 1983. Then cigars fell off the menu about eight years ago. Now he has a new vice: reading glasses. Just put on a pair and look around the room when you want a quick buzz. (We see FX of Dave looking at Paul.)

  3. Jack Hanna was on last night. / video: A bear gets loose from the van. It's got quite a lead on the zoo people. Jack says to an associate, "Hey, let's get outta here!"
••• Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts / #6: Sugary Pastry Tires, #2: Chris Christie Kremes ••• Adam Sandler plugs That's My Boy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "We'll be right back with tasty summer recipes you can make with lawn trimmings!" ••• more Adam Sandler ••• Jerry Douglas sings (with Del McCoury). ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Adam Sandler's spit take

6/14/12 [3689]: Last weekend, the official portrait of George W. Bush was hung in the White House. George H. W. Bush was interviewed by Jenna on the Today show this morning. / video:

(Jenna): "Three generations of my family recently returned to the White House for the unveiling of my father's presidential portrait."

(clips and photos)

(Jenna, interviewing GHWB): "What was it like returning to the White House to see Dad's portrait unveiled?"

(George H. W. Bush, by the ocean): "Terrible feeling. Awful feeling. I don't think I liked it."

(NBC News graphic)

••• interruption: Dave's nurse (Jane Gabbert) is beside him after the clip.
(Dave, to his nurse): "Hi. How're you doin'? Everything OK?"

(nurse): "Hmm. Well, I, uh, think you need to tell me."

(Dave): "What? What're you talkin' about?"

(nurse): "I heard there was some trouble this afternoon during game time."

(Dave): "Oh, brother. I mean... this is how... no. Believe me. Just take it from me, there was no trouble during game time. I..."

(nurse): "You were playing Monopoly with Mr. Nelson. You stole all of his money, and you threw the game pieces all over on the floor!"

(Dave): "I wasn't... I wasn't even in the game room, alright?"

(nurse): "The activity director says if you can't behave yourself, you just have to stay in your room."

(Dave): "I'm not gonna do that."

(nurse): "Fine. I'll be back with the syringe."

(Dave): "Don't waste any time. Not a minute too soon!"

••• Father's Day monologue:
"I like it when you give your dad a biography of a famous American hero, so your dad can read that and realize how empty his own life is." (dumb guy voice): "Oh, I was never lost in the Pacific for six months. What the hell did I do? I didn't do nothin'."
••• When Mitt Romney was a kid, his dad, Governor Romney, got him a little state trooper uniform, and Mitt would pretend to pull people over. Dave believes Mitt's up to his old tricks. / video:
(video trickery, with Mitt in a highway patrol trooper's uniform): "...long ago observed that you don't determine a man's greatness by his talent or wealth, as the world does, but rather by what it takes to discourage him."

(Mitt sets a rotating red light in front of him.)

(FX): siren

(Mitt raises a pistol and fires a few rounds.)

(Mitt): unintelligible due to gunfire and siren

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Mexico. I don't think I've thanked you for inventing burritos. Thank you. I enjoy them very much." ••• Regis Philbin has a fun visit with Dave. We see a clip of Regis wrecking his new Vespa scooter on 11/17/11, and in the green room with Don Rickles, both in bath robes, probably from 4/30/12. Dave gives Regis a hard time, as usual, but also compliments him on a tremendous career. Regis points out how much higher Dave sits than his guests, and fixes the situation by adding the seat cushion from the second guest chair. ••• Lenny Marcus does stand-up. ••• Elizabeth Cook sings (with Jason Isbell). ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Elizabeth Cook has a web-exclusive performance tonight.]

6/15/12: REPEAT FROM 5/16/12

6/18/12 [3690]: [DAVECON 2012 TODAY / I was in the audience.]: monologue: Dave's proud of Dave Letterman Park (est. 6-2012), on Broadway at 53rd St. (This is a lesson to all Americans: If you make a sign and have a roll of duct tape, you too can have a park named for you!) / outside cam: We have a look at the park, with its new signage. / later: Some ne'er-do-well has written "SUCK IT." in red on the aforementioned sign. ••• Something odd happened at the U. S. Open yesterday. / video: One of the players easily makes a putt, and before our eyes, a hand emerges from the hole and politely sets the golf ball back onto the green. ••• The fabulously-wealthy Mitt Romney keeps trying to come off as a regular guy. Now his sons are doing their part. / video from his campaign:

(whistling background music)

(Tagg): "He was a goofball. He loved to horse around."

(Ben): "Oh, my gosh! My dad has legendary pranks."

(Matt): "He'd be smelling this butter, and it's like 'This butter turned,' and 'Smell how awful this is.' And you'd go in and smell it, and he'd put your nose in it."

(Merb): "I remember one time he threw the gardener down a flight of stairs. The guy survived. Or maybe he didn't. I don't remember."

(Mitt voice-over): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Anchor Sue Simmons retired from WNBC 4 on Friday, June 15. In honor of the occasion, we have the clip from 5/12/08 of her unloading on Chuck Scarborough, live: "What the f    are you doing?" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm sure you've all heard the sad story of the guy who didn't stay tuned. Don't become a statistic." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave needs to talk about Nik Walenda crossing Niagara Falls on a high wire over the weekend. Dave says he had a safety wire connected to him. Nik, however, claims that he didn't want to do that.

  2. NBC will carry the Summer Olympics. CBS called. They want Dave to do his part to compete with NBC. He has a plan: He'll stand on the top of a 1950s car (kind of like Mitt Romney's dog, but with a balance bar), and ride up the Taconic State Parkway from New York City to Albany. That'll show Bob Costas! Dave has an artist's conception of his 100-MPH adventure.
••• Via satellite from Angel Stadium in Anaheim, California, Matt Cain (who pitched a perfect game on June 13) presents the Top Ten Things I Want to Achieve Now That I've Thrown a Perfect Game. ••• Denis Leary plugs The Amazing Spiderman. He's always a great guest. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "U. S. Government Preparedness Tip": "To be ready in case of an emergency, assemble a 'go bag' containing gum, a deck of cards, and a stylish hat." ••• Olivia Wilde plugs People Like Us.
Olivia started her interview great, by claiming she'd just taken a romantic carriage ride around Dave Letterman Park. Her boyfriend is Jason Sudeikis, and she tells about their adventures kayaking in Jamaica. It was one mishap after another, as they both got into trouble trying to outdo the other. She's beautiful, and was a fine guest, but I was much more interested in her segment producer, Sarah Billington, who was standing at stage left.
••• The Pierces sing. They're sisters from Birmingham. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Felicia Collins had an amazing solo during the commercial break before Olivia's appearance.]

6/19/12 [3691]: Tony Mendez slips in, just in the nick of time. Dave gives him the business. ••• Three-fourths of the American population are overweight. / video:

(clip): A man walks out of a store with a Big Gulp®. Two police officers (including Mike McIntee, of course), tase him.

(writer Steve Young, in a suit): "Is this really the kind of New York we want? Think about it."

••• New York has a bee problem. / Photoshop fun: Donald Trump's hair is covered with a few thousand bees. ••• The G20 Summit is underway. Yesterday something wasn't quite right. / Photoshop fun: Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama are sharing a hot tub. ••• Back by popular demand: It's the clip of Mitt Romney's prancing horse. •••
(title graphic): "Please stop saying Wawa."

(Mitt): "Where do you get your hoagies here? Do you get them at Wawa's?"

(Mitt): "Well, I went to a place today called Wawa's. You ever been to Wawa's?"

(Mitt): "We went to Wawa's."

(Mitt): "Then I was at a Wawa's."

(title graphic): "Please stop saying Wawa."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "My pitch for National Treasure 3." •••
Dave needs to do something for the NBA. Harold Larkin and others bring in a green screen. NBA graphics are seen behind Dave.

(Dave, while dribbling): "Hey, take it from me, Downtown Dave Letterman. The forecast says it'll be raining threes when the Heat and Thunder collide in the NBA Championship Showdown! Isn't that right, Paul?"

(Paul): "Well, I don't know, Dave. I don't know anything about sports. Here we go!"

(Paul throws the basketball to Dave."

(Dave): "It's gonna be slamtastic!"

••• Top Ten Things an Out-of-Touch Person Would Say ••• Act 3: During the commercial break, Felicia Collins sang Minnie Riperton's "Loving You." [I was in the audience for the June 18 show. I noticed that right after the taping, Paul Shaffer was enjoying listening to Felicia rehearse the song.] She is an amazing singer. Dave gives her a shout out. ••• Jeff Daniels plugs The Newsroom. ••• interruption while Dave's talking to Paul about Jimi Hendrix:
(Alan): "OK, let's go, people. Keep the line movin'. Come on. It's talk show only. Best show in town. You've got it. That's it."

(Dave): "What?! Hey! Alan! Alan!"

(Alan): "Yeah, what?"

(Dave): "What are you doing?"

(Todd Seda, and one of the male staffers in drag are beside Alan.)

(Alan): "Come on. It's the summer. I sell illegal fireworks. Best ones north of Chinatown!"

(Alan, now to the home viewers): "And with me, you won't pay Chinatown prices! Guaranteed!"

(Dave): "Listen...

(Alan): "I tell ya. Yeah."

(Dave): "That's again... Hey! That's against the... that's against the law!"

(Alan): "I know, dip     . That's why they're called illegal fireworks."

(Dave): "Well, I can't support... Hey, look, get outta here. Just... you, and everybody else. Get out of here."

(Alan): "You know what? I'm gonna take my business elsewhere!"

(Dave): "OK, good."

(Alan): "I'm gonna just get outta here."

(Dave): "Good. I wish you would."

(Alan, to his customers): "C'mon, transients. You follow me. Just follow me."

(The offenders exit, stage left.)

(Dave, to Paul): "I don't know... He's selling illegal fireworks! I don't know where he gets these ideas sometimes."

(Alan, offstage): "Oh, boy! Ow!"

(FX): offstage explosions

(Dave): "Alan? Is he...? Alan?

(Alan, tattered and covered with soot, returns to his perch.)

(Dave, to Alan): "Are you alright?"

(Alan, coughing, ignores Dave and starts counting a wad of money.)

(Dave): "We'll be right back with Benjamin Walker, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Summer begins tomorrow at 7:09 P.M., or at 3 P.M. for Platinum Elite Club Members." ••• Benjamin Walker plugs Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. ••• Walk the Moon sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/20/12 [3692]: The temperature in New York today was in the high 90s F, and the Late Show is doing something about it. / outside cam: Above the marquee, on a cute new shelf, is an oscillating fan. Cool! ••• In early June, supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis, unit manager Pam Norozny and executive producer Jude Brennan got together and created Dave Letterman Park on an island at the intersection of 53rd St. and Broadway. All that had been in the island, measuring about 8 ft. x 12 ft., was dry, caked sod. Just a couple of weeks later, there's a tree and various decorative plants. (photo) / outside cam: We see assistant cue card technician Todd Seda and another guy tossing a frisbee back and forth across the eight-foot span of the park. ••• From 6/14/12:

(video trickery, with Mitt in a highway patrol trooper's uniform): "...long ago observed that you don't determine a man's greatness by his talent or wealth, as the world does, but rather by what it takes to discourage him."

(Mitt sets a rotating red light in front of him.)

(FX): siren

(Mitt raises a pistol and fires a few rounds.)

(Mitt): unintelligible due to gunfire and siren

••• Since about March 21, we've been treated to Mitt Romney singing in Norwegian. (See 4/04/12 if you need to learn the lyrics.) Dave, ever the jokester, says, "That's Mormon. He's singing in Mormon." ••• OK, I've been out-of-the-loop with work. I thought Dave telling us about a movie, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was a joke. Google says it's playing in Manhattan, Kansas right now. There have been other fictionalized films about famous presidents. / video:

(voice-over): "This Friday, explore the secret life of one of our most famous presidents in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter."

(photo): the White House

(voice-over): "And in the weeks ahead, look for these other innovative takes on presidential history."

(Photoshop fun for each film)

(voice-over): "The Trumanator, Little Nixon and President Centipede. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter (who just got cheap laser eye surgery from a guy in a van) with Big Show Highlights ••• New York hasn't been this hot in quite a while. For the first time since 8/21/09, Dave turns the Hose Cam® on unsuspecting pedestrians on Broadway. Now, what goes better with the Hose Cam® than Dave calling kitties? Nothing, that's what, and away we go with kitty, kitty, kitty calls on the PA. Want more? We have dog growls and meows. Wait 'til those unsuspecting citizens find out the water's laced with enriched uranium! You won't see Dave hosing people down with substandard imported uranium. This is the Tiffany Network. Stay tuned. ••• It's the first "Small Town News" since December!
  • The Chronicle, Glens Falls, New York: Event: "How to position a cow for a professional photo"
    (You can't make this stuff up, people.)
  • (intermission): more fun with the Hose Cam®
  • The Times Colonist, Victoria, British Columbia: "Ex-Miss Congeniality a Vancouver riot suspect."
••• more Hose Cam® ••• Top Ten Signs You're Not Ready for Swimsuit Season / #8: Whenever you take your shirt off, a rancher brands you. #2: Gov. Chris Christie shirtless •••
Alec Baldwin plugs To Rome with Love. Always a fine Late Show guest, Alec's in the guest chair a mere 25 seconds when he stands up and drops his pants! Just less than a minute later, Dave stands and drops his pants, too. This is finally a chance for those fascinated with his gray socks to see that they go to just under his knees. After girding his loins, Dave says, "No, I was scared people might see my junk!" Good thing this incident didn't occur with Don Rickles, or he would have fired off a rocket! Dave shows the New York Daily News cover with a picture of Alec having a bit of a shove with a photographer, under the caption "Brawlwin Goes Berserk!" (This is why the CBSO played on Alec with Pat Benatar's "Hit Me with Your Best Shot.") / out of commercial: a split screen with our two pantless superstars / more Alec Baldwin (who gives the CBSO a big-time shout out)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Please note: Due to Mr. Bieber's visit tomorrow, Manhattan will be closed to all vehicular traffic." ••• more Hose Cam® ••• interruption: Kathy Michalcik (Mavrikakis) takes a seat in the guest chair.
(Dave, noticing Kathy): "Oh, hi. Kathy Michalcik. Hi, Kathy. How are you?"

(Kathy): "Hi, Dave!"

(Dave, to the audience): "She's from human resources."

(Dave, to Kathy): "What are you doing out here now?"

(Kathy): "I just wanted you to know that the mailroom position is now available."

(Dave): "Oh, good. Thanks."

(Kathy): "No, I think it would be good for you. You know... it's a good way to start your career, and you get to know what the entertainment business is really like."

(Dave): "The mail room?"

(Kathy): "Yeah. A lot of people started in the mail room: Brian Williams, Mayor Bloomberg, Charo..."

(Dave): "Charo was in the mail room?"

(Kathy): "Yes. It's just something to consider."

(Dave): "You're... you're... you're suggesting that I go to work in the mail room. I have a sh... Wait a minute. Do you know something?"

(Kathy, after a pause): "Think about it."

(Dave): "OK. Alright, thanks."

(Kathy gets up to leave.)

(Dave): "Hey, you didn't see any reproductive activity on that thing, did you?"

(Kathy): "No." (She exits the stage.)

••• desk chat: Dave shows the cover of the New York Daily News, with his pants off. The caption? "Letterjunk!" Paul says, "They make something out of nothing!" ••• Michael Kiwanuka sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/21/12 [3693]: Tonight's audience shout out is to three guys wearing the same shirt. OK... they're not exactly the same, but they all feature horizontal stripes. The proud owners stand and receive thunderous polite applause. ••• It's another visit to Dave Letterman Park (photo courtesy DDY), created earlier this month by Late Show staff.

(live outside cam): A man is sunbathing at the north end of the park, in a beach chair, with a giant blue dot covering his junk.
••• Dave has an impression himself, foretelling his upcoming weekend.
Mr. Letterman clears his throat. He turns away from the audience and the North American viewing public to get into character. He checks his hair, then turns 180° to begin his performance. "Uhhh, one senior for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, please."
••• Many early presidential photographs have been alterered. We have "History Rephotographed." / video:
(title graphic)

(before and after photos)

(voice-over): "In an 1860 photograph of Abraham Lincoln, Lincoln's head was placed on politician John Calhoun's body. In a 1942 photograph of Benito Mussolini, Mussolini's horse handler was removed. And, in 1940, photographers airbrushed out Hitler's parrot, Heinrich. Thanks for watching 'History Rephotographed.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's another session with the Hose Cam®, complete with kitty and doggie noises. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.
(Dave): "You know, before we go any farther in tonight's program, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and what's comin' up this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Summer officially started this week, and we're ready for summer fun on the Weekend Late Show!"

(Bruce): "This is my favorite annual tradition. We're gonna check out the hot new inflatable pool toys for 2012."

(Linda): "There's more hot air around here than usual. Plus, our Gay Pride series continues with a woman who is a professional Ultimate Frisbee player. She was a lesbian pioneer in the sport."

(Bruce): "I hope she'll sign my Frisbee. And dry cleaners Pauline and Philip Ginsberg, celebrating 50 years in business this week, are gonna demonstrate the best way to press pants."

(Linda): "All that, plus tax loopholes, cooking with fennel and neutering your pet. Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Bruce): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda. The Weekend Late Show!"

••• Hose Cam® / There's a wet spot on the sidewalk, and now a crowd has gathered. A man in an orange shirt pushes his young daughter into the target area, marked by a manhole cover. ••• Top Ten Summer Blockbuster Films About Presidents / #9: Franklin Delano Robocop ••• Hose Cam® ••• Justin Bieber interview
Dave and Paul try to get Justin to sing "Nessun Dorma." Justin eventually tells Paul, "Calm down, Bro."

Dave advises Justin to go to college because, "It's chicks ahoy."

Justin has a new tattoo, "Believe," below his left elbow. Dave gives him static about it, but concludes that it's OK, as long as he doesn't end up looking like the Sistine Chapel. The Beebs has no idea that Dave's talking about Michelangelo's art work, and replies, "I'm not goin' for the Sixteenth Chapel," to which Dave remarks, "Canadian high school." Entertainment sites will have some fun at Justin's expense.

He has a new fragrance, in a ridiculous-looking bottle. The secret ingredient is Bieber sweat.

Dave had a good time with this interview.

••• outside cam: Justin's friends, leaning on the NYPD barricades ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hey, ladies. I just got a sweet new riding mower, and it sits two. Hope to hear from you." ••• Michael Ian Black plugs his book, America, You Sexy Bitch. ••• Justin Bieber sings. I believe he thinks he's Elvis. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/22/12: REPEAT FROM 5/22/12

6/25/12 [3694]: New York City has a zip line. We take a look. / animation: The unsuspecting tourist is taken out by a cab. ••• CBS News Special Report:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. The Supreme Court has just ruled in the highly anticipated case, Workin' Hard vs. Harly Workin.' The court has upheld Hardly Workin.' "

(FX): "yes" bell

(voice-over): "We'll continue to monitor this breaking story."

(title graphic)

••• Ann Curry is leaving the Today Show. Some believe she's being sacrificed because of low ratings. Others say she's too emotional. What happens now? / Photoshop fun: It's Regis in a wig! Dave thinks this happens more than we know. ••• Americans think Mitt Romney's out of touch with the people. When Mitt heard this, he fell off his dancing horse. / video: the prancing horse Mitt owns ••• It's being claimed that when Rick Perry was having trouble putting a sentence together in his debates, it was because of pills taken for a back problem. Here's a brand new segment: "Rick Perry: Still Sharp as a Tack." /
(title graphic)

(Gov Perry on Face the Nation): "Mitt Romney's very steady, job-creating, uh, focus on allowing the private sector to create those jobs is spot-on. Americans understand that. They're ready to have a change in Washington, D. C. in 2015."

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, senior citizens. Learn from my expensive mistake: Dentures are not dishwasher-safe." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave tells about the Hoover Dam and its construction.

  2. Mayor Bloomberg wanted to turn Broadway into a mall. At Broadway and 53rd St., there was a pit. (Paul interjects with blowing desert winds on his microphone.)

  3. side trip: Dave calls for an outdoor shot, because he convinced the audience to stay with him because it was stormy outside. Oops. It's sunny and clear.

  4. Back to the pit, which is now Dave Letterman Park. On the 53rd St. side of the park, a family is having a picnic. (The park sign moves around, wherever it's needed. Today it's taped to a little wooden stick.)
••• Top Ten Things You May Not Know About the United States Supreme Court ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave shows the cover of Vogue, with the lovely Emma Stone. Her movie opens on July 3.

  2. Dave mentions 3-D movies. Ever the skilled hypochondriac, he warns us about catching head lice from borrowed 3-D glasses.
••• Emma Stone plugs The Amazing Spider-Man.
Emma's just been nine countries to promote the movie. To be exact, she's been to Tokyo, Seoul, Moscow, London, Paris, Berlin, Madrid, Rome and New York in one trip. She feels drunk from the time zone changes. People of different cultures have different interests in the movie, but the common thread is they all like 3-D! Emma started acting in theater in Arizona at a young age. Dave has proof, with a picture of her in Winnie the Pooh and Alice in Wonderland. Dave hands Emma a sealed envelope, containing the question, "Have you ever attended a clambake?" Dave has, but where did this question come from, because Emma's never been at a clambake. (Vogue failed to ask her this question.) Now Dave wants to know if she's ever dated Spider-Man. (Naturally, the horn section all have.) We have a bogus, black-and-white clip of a spider abducting a woman, then the real Spidey clip. Good news! Emma would love to come back to the Late Show.
••• desk chat: Out of commercial, Dave tells Paul they should have Emma Stone on more often. 10-4 on that. ••• "Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft" / Now, it's well-known that I don't care for this segment with Bill in the soundproof booth, but I was highly amused by the old Falstaff® beer ad sign on the door of the booth. Bill always wins, but never sees a cent of the prize money. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jimmie Walker plugs his book Dyn-O-Mite. ••• Diamond Rugs sing.
Editorial comment: How did this group get booked? Do they think they're the Beatles? Do they not own shampoo? NPR called their album "Carefully Constructed Drinking Songs."
••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/26/12 [3695]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy in a Late Show sweatshirt. ••• new segment: "Things the Supreme Court Agrees On" / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards music

(voice-over): "Larry Hagman needs to do something about his crazy eyebrows."

(FX): horror movie sound

(voice-over and graphic): "Court adjourned, America."

(title graphic)

••• Odd Dave: Out of nowhere, Dave does a dove call by blowing through his hands. ••• Alex Trebek had a heart attack on June 23. Dave recalls Regis appearing on Jeopardy. It wasn't his greatest moment. / video:
(Alex Trebek): "In May of 1984, he sent a telegraph message using the code he'd also invented."

(Regis): "Who is Dean Martin?"

(Alex Trebek): "No, sorry. On December 16, 1773, American patriots dumped 342 chests of tea into this city's harbor."

(Regis): "Who is Dean Martin?"

(Alex Trebek): "No, sorry. You can prepare mini-pizzas on this product, made famous by Samuel B. Thomas."

(Regis): "Who is Dean Martin?"

(Alex Trebek): "No, sorry. The second planet from the sun."

(Regis): "Who is Dean Martin?"

(Alex Trebek): "No, sorry."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Supreme Court justices: No television until you're done deliberating!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave announces that on Monday, he had a basal cell carcinoma, a non-melanoma skin cancer that generally doesn't metastacize. Dave says his make-up artist, Jane DiPersio, said she thought the thing on the left side of his forehead was getting larger. Dave went to a dematologist, Richard David Granstein, M.D., at the Weill Cornell Medical College, who diagnosed it. Dr. Hillary Johnson removed it, using Mohs micrographic and dermatologic surgery. Dave claims he has 350 stitches, and he gets to take 'em out himself!

  2. LeBron James went to the NBA when he was 12, starting in Cleveland. Then he ran off to the Miami Heat, and Dave shot his mouth off about it. The staff said he'd never be back, but he's back tonight.
••• NBA Championship MVP LeBron James of the Miami Heat / Dave asks, "Well, now that you've got this out of your system, you ready to go back to Cleveland and play some ball?" LeBron has his NBA ring, and now he's headed to the Olympics. He has the trophy with him, by the way. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave feels badly about picking on LeBron over the Miami move a few years back, after his fine interview. ••• Andrew Garfield plugs The Amazing Spider-Man. ••• Maroon 5 sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Maroon 5 Live on Letterman webcast at 8 ET]

6/27/12 [3696]: [Oops. Dave's tie is tied about 4" too short. It's the worst violation ever!] ••• monologue advice to teens: "Do not fall in love with a girl from a rival gang." ••• The Women's Tennis Association is taking measures to cut back on grunting. / video: A golfer grunts during a putt. ••• interruption: Dave's nurse (Jane Gabbert) is back to give him the cure. /

(Dave): "Oh, hi. How are you?"

(nurse): "Hmm. Hello, Mr. Letterman."

(Dave): "Nice to see you."

(nurse): "Are you feeling OK?"

(Dave): "Yeah, I feel pretty good. Thanks."

(nurse): "OK. Good. Now listen, when you're done out here, I need to take your vitals."

(Dave): "Really?"

(nurse): "Are the suppositories helping with the anxiety?"

(Dave, with big grin): "Yeah! I think they are, actually."

(nurse): "That's good."

(Dave): "I think that's what's doin' it."

(Paul): "Oh."

(nurse): "Very good."

(Dave): "Yeah!"

(nurse): "Now, if you stay quiet this time..."

(Dave): "Right."

(nurse): "...let me do my job..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(nurse): "I might find you a little extra dessert. Whaddya say?"

(Dave): "Ohh. I'd rather have a suppository."

(nurse): "Alright."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(nurse): "Only if you behave."

(Dave): "OK, sure. Well, I'll think about it."

(nurse): "Good."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(nurse): "You'll think about it?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(nurse): "Now, don't get in a pissing match with me."

(Dave): "I... I... I just said I will think about it."

(nurse): "Because if you do, you'll lose."

(Dave): "OK. Alright."

(nurse): turns to leave

••• monologue:
"And then Obama said Mitt Romney is out of touch with the common man. He said Mitt Romney is out of touch. Mitt Romney didn't hear him say it, because he was spending the day in his orchid greenhouse."
••• The Supreme Court will release its ruling on Obamacare on Thursday. Here's what we might expect." / video:
(photo): the Supreme Court justices

(Obama clips)

(voice-over): "The Supreme Court is expected to overturn the majority of President Obama's health care reform law, and will likely implement a provision requiring Americans to perform their own operations."

(man in hospital bed, covered with blood, holding some of his guts): "I don't even know what I'm looking for. How do I put this back?"

(voice-over): "The Supreme Court. You're welcome!"

••• The Today Show is unloading Ann Curry. They're strife-ridden. Watch:
(Matt Lauer on split screen): "Thank you very much. It's now 13 after the hour. Once again, here's Ann."

(Ann Curry): "Matt, thanks. Newly-released police documents are showing..."

(Matt Lauer, interrupting): "Ann, thank you. We've got some good news for drivers this morning."

(Matt Lauer): "Jeff, thank you very much. It's 34 after the hour. Here's Ann."

(Ann Curry): "Alright, Matt. Thanks. Rielle Hunter..."

(Matt Lauer): "Alright, Ann. Thanks. In Florida, Debbie is now a tropical depression. Gabe, thank you very much. And now, here's Ann."

(Ann Curry): "Alright, Matt. Thanks."

(shot of Channing Tatum signing autographs outside)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and extra napkins he got from the deli. ••• desk chat:
  1. Out of commercial, Dave pretends he has a bad cramp in his leg. He says, "Now I'm going to pretend to put some ice on it." (We're being told he's OK.) Dave says, "I do that a lot around the office, and everyone's sick of it, so I thought I'd share it with you folks here tonight."

  2. Remember the time Dave pretended to have a broken ankle? That was real pretend pain."

  3. It's almost time for the Summer Olympics. The opening ceremonies are expected to show London's rich history. / video:
    (title graphic)

    (clip): A man in white is carrying the Olympic torch through a meadow. Moments later, another man starts chasing him, and we hear the Benny Hill theme song.

    (animated graphic): Thames logo

••• President Obama got booed in Boston on June 25 for joking about the Red Sox' Kevin Youkilis being traded to the Chicago White Sox. / clip / Top Ten Words That Could Be Mistaken for "Boo" ••• Channing Tatum plugs Magic Mike. He tells about surviving on next-to-nothing in the jungle in South America. Channing used to be a stripper! Paul's "It's Raining Men" is the opening song in his movie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• out of commercial: Dave gives a shout out to Felicia for her solo of Donna Summer's "Last Dance." ••• Scott Pelley of CBS Evening News. ••• The Gaslight Anthem sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.


6/28/12 [3697]: Tonight's audience shout outs are to a man from Biola University of Los Angeles. ••• We've seen Mitt Romney's prancing horse, Rafalca, on the Late Show countless times this year. This month Rafalca has made the Olympics equestrian competition. / video: A rider or trainer has a horse on its back, and is exercising its front legs. ••• Alex Trebek had a mild heart attack last weekend. Alex's friends at the Late Show sent him a basket. The card says, "What is 'Get Well Soon?' " ••• On the same subject, here's "Television Host Health Scares." / video:

(title graphic)

(sounds like Bill Scheft is doing the voice-overs)

(clip): Alex Trebek

(voice-over): "2012: Alex Trebek suffers a mild heart attack at home in California."

(clip): Regis

(voice-over): "2007: Regis Philbin undergoes triple bypass surgery after experiencing chest pains."

(clip): Daddy

(voice-over): "2006: Dave Letterman's heart explodes."

(FX): Kaboom! Daddy's heart plops out on the desk.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Television Host Health Scares.' "

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Beachcombing Tip": "Try your metal detector on the beach just north of Santa Barbara. I lost my keys there in the late 80s. Ten Dollar reward if you find them!" ••• desk chat:
  1. "Hey, Bobby."

  2. Dave recites fun facts about Biola University, founded in 1908 in Whittier, California.
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, before we go any farther, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's happening on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Are you looking forward to the 4th of July as much as we are?"

(Bruce): "I love fireworks... the louder, the better!"

(Linda): "Well, you're gonna have fun Saturday, Bruce, because we'll not only find out where to see all the best fireworks shows next week, but we'll also look back at video highlights of last year's local fireworks displays."

(Bruce): "Good stuff! And speaking of fireworks, you know the Grucci brothers, of course. Well, it turns out there's one brother who went off and did his own thing. Stan Grucci is going to join us to talk about the world of selling cars wholesale."

(Linda): "And, we'll wrap up our Gay Pride Month series with openly-gay skywriter Randy Ferber. He proposed to his partner from his airplane."

(Bruce): "All that, plus squatter's rights, making your own shaving cream and whatever happened to badminton? Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Whatever happened to Biola? Whatever happened to Biola?"

••• interruption: Dave announces that he accidentally spit on his suit. He's the only thing on CBS right now. ••• desk chat: Dave went up on an aerobatic airplane over the weekend. He says the spinning is probably what you see just before you crash. ••• Top Ten Least Popular Picnic Offerings / #6: Peel-and-Eat Cicadas ••• Blake Lively plugs Savages in her fifth Late Show appearance. (video)
Blake's a great guest. You can tell from her entrance that the interview will go well. Her upbeat personality reminds me of Marilu Henner, back in the day. Dave says, "You look like a million dollars. Hey... you look like a billion dollars." "Well, thank you," Blake responds, "Is that before or after taxes?" Blake likes to babysit her young nephews and nieces. She has three with her currently. Recently her four-year-old nephew walked in on her when she was naked, and she wasn't able to get everything covered. She wasn't sure quite how to take the fact that the little dude was laughing his ass off after the show. Then, later, he comes back to Blake's bedroom. She won't let him in, explaining that she's naked again, and he wants to see. Now he doesn't ignore her anymore, and Blake's sister thinks she planned the whole thing.

Blake loves New Orleans and the New Orleans Saints. She has a cool story about arranging a last-minute, quick trip to the Super Bowl. By the time it was over, she'd scored extra flights and six game tickets. Oh, and by the way, she ended up in the box of the owners of the Colts. Of course, she's Blake Lively, and we're not.

Drew Brees of the New Orleans Saints is played on with Seals & Crofts' 1972 "Summer Breeze." I'd never paid any attention to him in the past, but he's clearly an intelligent and thoughtful man. He and Dave both promote the U.N.'s World Food Programme. Also, Drew is involved with a program with Dick's Sporting Goods that promotes awareness and diagnosis of concussions in sports.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Drew Brees ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Comedian Moody McCarthy was bumped.]

6/29/12: REPEAT FROM 6/07/12

7/02/12: REPEAT FROM 5/10/12

7/03/12: REPEAT FROM 5/17/12

7/04/12: REPEAT FROM 5/18/12

7/05/12: REPEAT FROM 6/13/12

7/06/12: REPEAT FROM 5/14/12

7/09/12 [3698]: monologue:

"I know we have a lot of tourists in the audience. God bless you. Thank you for coming to our town, New York City. I want you to have fun while you're in New York City, but always remember one thing, and I'm not kiddin' about this. Please swear to me that you'll remember one thing as you're walkin' around havin' a big time here in the Big Apple. Please remember this. Don't forget it, and remember where you heard it. With every breath you take, consider this, ladies and gentlemen: If you smell something, say something."
••• It was 100° F in New York City over the weekend. Here's the five-day weather forecast from Dave Price. / video:
(clip): We see Dave in front of the weather forecast. Astonishingly, it's the same exact forecast Dave laid on us on 7/26/11. What are the odds?



"Feels Like"




"Feels Like"




"Smells Like"
Hot Garbage




"Feels Like"




"Feels Like"


(Dave Price): "Thanks, Dave. Let's take a look at the forecast right now for the work week. Looks like more of the same. Typical summer weather. Monday, we're gonna begin with about 130° as a high. Nice... not a lot of temperature variation... down to 127° at night. Tuesday we're gonna spike up just a little, up to 145° or so. "Feels like" temperature is gonna be 155°. So on days like this, this is when you finally say, 'Let's turn on...' "

(cut short)

••• It's Wimbledon time. A tennis ball drops from above to Dave's mark, and takes a few bounces. Quick like a bunny, producer Brian Teta, as a ball boy, retrieves the errant ball and smartly takes a waiting stance over by Karin Grzella's camera. Stay tuned for further details. ••• monologue:
Hey, by the way... good news. Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian... brand new baby girl, ladies and gentleman. Kourtney Kardiashian. I was worried that there was gonna be... could be a shortage of Kardashians. Well, Thank God for that! Baby girl's name is Penelope.... Penelope... with a K."
••• Brian Teta retreives another tennis ball. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to fans from Melbourne (Australia... not Florida). ••• Governor Christie was out buying ice cream over the holiday, and he got into a dust-up with someone. / "Chris Christie Is Funnier with Fat Guy Music" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip from TMZ of his ice cream dust-up)

(Carl Stallings Warner Brothers cartoon music): "Baby Bumblebee" as Gov. Christie waddles along

(title graphic)

••• Dave calls for one more ball retrieval by Brian. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. "Thank you, and hi."

  2. Dave thanks Brian "Sonny" Teta for a nice job.
••• Live from Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City, American League All-Stars present the Top Ten Facts About the All-Star Game. Presenters are Justin Verlander from the Detroit Tigers, Joe Mauer from the Minnesota Twins, Chris Sale from the Chicago White Sox, Jered Weaver from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, David Price from the Tampa Bay Rays, All-Star Ambassador and Baseball Hall-of-Famer George Brett, Adam Jones of the Baltimore Orioles, Josh Hamilton from the Texas Rangers, C. J. Wilson from the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Derek Jeter from the New York Yankees. ••• Ray Romano plugs Ice Age: Continental Drift. ••• Tom Waits interview ••• Tom Waits sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• full credits ••• [Tom Timko is sitting in on saxophone all week.]

7/10/12 [3699]: Barney Frank (D-MA) got married to Jim Ready on July 7. Dave says if we're looking for a gift, Barney's a 44-D. / video: the C-SPAN clip of Barney's hooters ••• The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises, opens soon, and the producers aren't giving us many spoilers. / video:

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(man in clip): "Holy crap! Batman's dead!"

••• Mitt Romney supposedly raised $106,000,000 in June. "He's a natural-born showman," Dave says. / video:
(clip): Mitten speaking

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney's march to the White House continues, with an astonishing $106,000,000 raised in June."

(new clip)

(voice-over): "What's Mitt's secret? Vision and leadership, of course. But mostly, women are responding to Magic Mitt."

(doctored clip): Mitten loosens his tie, and begins to disrobe before our very eyes.

(music): Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men" (with the Weather Girls)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: Happenin' ... for America."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Senior Shout-Out": "Hey, 98-year-old viewers! Keep on rockin' in the free world!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave introduces Buddy Guy, who's sitting in on guitar. He has a brand new book, When I Left Home.

  2. Dave delivers some sort of light blanket or throw to cover up a young lady in the audience who has a summery outfit, shall we say.
••• "New Fall Shows" (or words to that effect) It's about midseason replacements.
  1. Wednesday at 8 on E!: Chillin' with George Clooney: Reality show fans will love this exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at the day-to-day life of George Clooney. But not that George Clooney.

  2. Saturdays at 9 on the CW: Bookmark: Rob Morrow stars as Mark Reynolds, a mysterious loner who travels America helping folks who have lost their place while reading.

  3. On A&E: Loxsmith: David Schwimmer stars as notorious jewel thief Dalton Monroe, who picks locks using only tiny bones he finds in smoked salmon.

  4. Mondays at 9:30 on ABC: Bi-Curious: It's a historical comedy, set in Colonial Philadelphia. Can Ben Franklin, played by Nathan Fillion, successfully juggle a complex love life involving both men and women, and invent bifocals?

  5. Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on the Discovery Channel: Pocket Kings: Tension-filled reality show in which collectors and dealers bid on the unknown pocket contents of abandoned pants.

  6. Fridays at 8:30 on HBO: True Judd: Post-apocalyptic sci-fi drama in which Judd Hirsch, Judd Apatow, and Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna Judd must fight off hostile non-Judds.

  7. Sundays at 10 on NBC: Nick of Time: Heartwarming family drama starring Morgan Freeman as a man who has a mysterious healing power, even though it only works on shaving cuts.

  8. Fridays at 9 on ABC: Cocktail Frank: Drama starring Scott Bacula as a former Oscar Meyer® employee, struggling to pick up the pieces after his arrest for reckless driving in the Wienermobile.

  9. Tuesdays at 9 on The History Channel: The Last Super: In this Biblical comedy, Larry the Cable Guy plays the nosey new superintendent at the apostles' apartment building. Featuring John Ratzenberger as Jesus.

  10. Thursdays at 9 on CBS: Magnum Pink Eye: Tom Selleck is back in his most famous role. It's nonstop action as Magnum tries to track down the fugitive who gave him conjunctivitis.
••• On July 9, a great white shark attacked a man's kayak off the Pacific coast, biting a chunk out of the boat, and throwing the kayaker from the vessel. He survived without a scratch. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Guy's Mind at This Moment ••• Queen Latifah plugs Ice Age: Continental Drift. ••• Pat Farmer has "Summer Entertaining Tips." / Pat begins to carve a watermelon. To our surprise, the melon contains an adorable kitty. Dave takes the opportunity to favor us with some of his best "Heeeere, kitty kitty kitty" calls ever. ••• Act 5: Buddy Guy, playing with the CBSO ••• Fred Armisen plugs Saturday Night Live and Portlandia. ••• Cory Chisel and the Wandering Sons sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is in on saxophone.]

7/11/12 [3700]: The All-Star Game (hosted by Neil Patrick Harris) was played last night, and Dave saw something odd on television. / video:

(pics from Kauffman Stadium): "Final score of Tuesday night's All-Star Game: the American League was defeated, eight to nothing. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game..."

(shots from the games, with scores)

(voice-over): "...as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America'a own league is on a losing streak."

(clip): a smiling Mitten Romney

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney will fix the American League, and make it competitive again. Mitt Romney: Say anything."

••• The Today Show fired Ann Curry from her anchor position. / Photoshop fun: Ann's seen in the usual crowd outside holding a sign: "SUCK on THAT." ••• President Obama is being criticized for the lack of new jobs. Here's the response from the White House. / video:
(clip): Barack Obama speaking

(voice-over): "After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Obama is pleased to announce today he created a job."

(clip): fireworks at the White House

(voice-over): "Congratulations to Keith Wills of Richmond, Virginia on his new job: shooting off fireworks for White House announcements."

(photo): talent researcher John Klarl as Keith, smiling and giving a thumbs up

(voice-over): "President Obama: Hey, You Never Know."

••• Mitt Romney spoke to the NAACP yesterday. / video:
(MItten): "I'm gonna eliminate every expensive, non-essential program I can find. That includes Obamacare, and I'm gonna work to reform and save..."

(audience): 15 seconds of boos

••• "Highlights of Kim Jong-Un's Celebration" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "A dance number from Winnie the Pooh. A song conducted by Mickey Mouse. And a performance by the animatronic remains of the late Kim Jong-Il."

(animatronic remains of Kim Jong-Il): "Camptown ladies sing this song, Do dah, do dah."

(animation): Merrie Melodies graphic, with Jong-Il as a stuttering Porky: "That's all, Folks!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave directs our attention to Dave Letterman Park at 53rd and Broadway. / live shot of his park / Dave says other celebrities are now abusing what should be a lovely addition to the city. / video:
(live shot): It's Steve Martin Park... Smoking and Drinking Allowed.

(Steve, in a funny hat, to Todd Seda): "Hey, kid, wanna buy a beer?"

(Todd): "I'm not 21."

(Steve): "Aww, take it... on me. Enjoy the park. Want some cigarettes?"

Girls are relaxing on the grass, smoking.

••• Top Ten Superhero Pet Peeves / #8: People always asking you to open jars. ••• Bryan Cranston plugs Breaking Bad. ••• We go back to Broadway.
(new sign added to the park): "Moderate Drug Use O.K."

(Steve Martin, holding a cigarette tray with sign): "Try My Pot"

(citizen to Steve): "Is this good pot?"

(Steve): "Absolutely! This is the pot Mitt Romney will be on when he debates Obama! Enjoy the park."

(the shot widens): girls smoking

(Dave): "Steve Martin Park. He's selling weed!"

••• Bryan Cranston plugs Breaking Bad. He likes Cotton Candy Rock Candy. ••• We go back to Steve Martin Park. / live:
(new sign on Steve's cigarette tray): "Buy Firearms Here With I.D."

(Steve): "And here's your firearm, all loaded up. Be careful with that. The safety's broken."

(girl, holding a stainless steel Beretta 92FS, to Steve): "Your park is so much better than Dave Letterman Park."

(Steve): "Oh, thank you. It's sad what happened to his park."

(shot of Dave Letterman Park): a naked guy (possibly stagehand Tommy O'Brien) sunbathing, with humongous blue dot

(Dave): "That guy was using my dot!"

R.A. Dickey of the New York Mets, fresh from the All-Star Game, plugs his book, Wherever I Wind Up: My Quest for Authenticity and the Perfect Knuckleball. I was prepared to daydream through the interview, but Mr. Dickey quickly caught my attention as an intelligent and interesting individual. He explains, "Normally, the knuckleball is a pitch born in desperation." Pitchers don't begin by using this pitch. One thing that struck me was the perfect knuckleball has only ¼ turn of rotation during its travel. The only thing we didn't find out is why he doesn't put a space between his initials. We'll see a close-up of R.A.'s knuckleball technique and strategy, some documentary coverage of R.A., then he pitches a few to Dave on the stage.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, with Alan posing for fan pictures ••• conclusion of R.A. Dickey's interview ••• Zac Brown Band ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is in on saxophone.]

7/12/12 [3701]: Dave goes straight to the audience shout out. A young woman named Donna gave him the business because his tie was tied too short. She's beautiful, so she'll get lots of air time. Dave: "Before I came down I said a quiet prayer to myself, 'Oh, God, I hope my tie's the right length.' " Yup. The front's about two inches shorter than the back. ••• monologue: "And then, the other day, Mitty goes by... swings by, and he has an appointment with the NAACP, and they booed him for a minute and a half. Booed him for a minute and a half. Or, as I call it... Wednesday. Just another Wednesday." ••• A guy in New Jersey bought a car that some think belonged to Mr. Hitler. He knew it was from Germany. When he honked the horn...

(animation): A gentleman's seated in a 1930s-era roadster. When he presses the horn button, he gets, "Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein."
••• monologue: "Happy birthday to Richard Simmons, ladies and gentlemen. Sixty... yeah. Hats off the Richard Simmons. He's done a great job of ridding this country of obesity, so good... nice goin' there. Yeah. They had a nice party for Richard Simmons, and they had the cake and stuff. And he closed his eyes, and before he blew out the candles, he wished for Anderson Cooper. It was a lovely event." ••• Dave's friend, Bob, at OSHA has a new campaign. / video: "The Danger of Sitting":
(title graphic and music from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire)

(female interviewer for the South African Broadcasting Company): "Was it a done deal by the time (unintelligible)?"

(Nhlanhla Nene, deputy minister of finance): "It's actually an opportunity for members of Parliament to..."

(sound of a snap)

(Nene): "to actually digest and go through the documentation that is, uh, going to the president and to the public. And the opportunity for proper engagement is actually after the taking of the..."

(sound of a snap)

(Nene's chair completely collapses. He instantly drops out of the picture.)

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Those Amazing Animals" (an amazing goat) ••• desk chat:
  1. The beautiful thing about television is people doing interesting things. Dave and Paul have been doing it for 30 years. Everywhere Dave goes, throngs of people scream, "God bless you, Dave." And he constantly has to say, "Get away from me, you bastards!" Then tonight, Dave and Paul come out, hoping to do their best, and a woman in the back raises her hand. Dave says, "The woman in the back row." She turns to look behind her. Eventually she says, "I've been to your show three or four times." He knew there was going to be trouble. "Every time I'm here, your tie is either too long or too short." Dave wants to know if the tie is too long or too short tonight. Donna thinks it over and says, "I don't know." Paul and the CBSO have some sort of a rock and roll theme song for Donna, who's hiding her face by now.
••• It's time for the preview we've been waiting for all week.
(Dave): "Hey, kids. Let's do this right now. Let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Kids, take it away."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Happy July, and happy National Ice Cream Month. What flavor do you have there, Bruce?"

(Bruce): "It's Rum Raisin. It's my favorite! You know, I believe in celebrating Ice Cream Month year 'round!"

(Linda): "Well, we have another celebration this weekend, as well. Football legend and inspirational speaker Rosey Grier will join us on his 80th birthday. He'll tell us about the re-release of his popular book, Needlepoint for Men."

(Bruce): "I loved him in The Thing with Two Heads. We're also gonna kick off a new segment, 'Dog Days of Summer,' where we'll feature some of the funniest dog videos sent in by our viewers."

(Linda): "I've seen a few already, and they are wonderful!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus preventing swimmer's itch, finding the best police auctions and how to get rid of carpenter ants, Saturday on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Police auctions. I'd like to find out about police auctions. It's where I get my ties."

••• This weekend, 50 Shades of Grey is expected to reach 20 million in sales. / Top Ten Other Erotic Novels / #7: David Cop-a-Feel ••• desk chat: a shout out to Tom Timko's giant saxophone ••• Anne Hathaway plugs The Dark Knight Rises. She's Catwoman! Dave has Anne choose the Question of the Night: Do you like monkeys? No, Dave isn't too crazy about them. (Here's my photo of the Question of the Night dispenser.) ••• desk chat:
(Dave, holding a can): "This is so funny. You know when... I mean, you don't remember Barry Goldwater, do you?"

(Paul): "Senator Barry Goldwater."

(Dave): "When he was... when he was running for the presidential nomination, they put out Goldwasser vodka. And it was Goldwater, and it had... but it was his vodka."

(Paul): "Goldwasser."

(Dave): "Yeah. Gold... like gold, you know what I'm sayin? And they do stuff like that. And I don't know... But here's... Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm with suburban housewives."

(Paul): "Yeah, yeah."

(Dave): "So this is what they've done, and I don't know if this is a joke or not, but they have done this. And it's supposed to be for housewives managing a career and a home life... which we know is impossible, and it's difficult, and God bless everybody..."

(Dave, showing can of Chef Boyardee Beef-a-Romney): But is this a joke? Look at this. They put this out. Chef Boyardee. Look at that. Beef-a-Romney."

(Paul): "Beef-a-Romney. Beef-a-Romney."

(Dave): "Now is that a..."

(Paul): "Beef-a-Romney."

(Dave): "You tell me. Is that a..."

(Alan Kalter, steamed, to the audience): "Are you kidding me? Hey! Are you kidding me?"

(Dave): "Is that a joke?"

(Alan, to the audience): "Come on! That's all you jackasses could muster? Come on!"

(Dave): "Stop it! They..."

(audience): cheering and applauding

(Alan): "Think of it. Think of it! It's not Beef-a-Roni."

(Dave): "Alright, Alan. Stop it."

(Alan): "It's Beef-a-Romney!"

(Dave): "Alright, stop it Alan, please. I am begging you."

(Alan): "But..."

(Dave): "No, no. Stop it, please. Stop it."

(Alan shuts up.)

(Dave): "Thank you. We'll be right back with..." (squints to read the cue card, smiling) "...Moody McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen."

Here's an inside look from Mike McIntee's Wahoo Gazette for this episode:

"The can of Beef-a-Romney was expected to get a dud reaction from the audience. Surprisingly, the audience reacted positively and enthusiastic. And when the lights came up on Alan off-camera, the reaction grew even louder. It's not what we expected. Alan starts yelling at the audience for their tepid response to the Beef-a-Romney joke, but the reaction wasn't tepid at all. There was some confusion going all around. When Dave begged Alan to stop, Alan, understandably, thought he meant it. So he stopped! Can't really blame him. Dave laughed at the bit of chaos and threw to commercial. During the break, a discussion followed as to what we should do to fix what just happened. Since it was late, we decided to just leave it."
•••comedian Moody McCarthy ••• Loudon Wainwright III sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tom Timko is on saxophone.]

7/13/12: REPEAT FROM 6/11/12

7/16/12 [3702]: How about some "It's so hot" jokes?

  1. "Here's how hot it was today in New York City. Katie Holmes... so hot, listen to this. Katie Holmes... so hot, she was fanning herself with her money."

  2. "I saw this happen. This is a true story. Some of these are jokes. This actually is a true story. You know a guy named Regis Philbin? So hot... earlier today... I saw him out on Broadway... so hot... bent over to pick up a penny with an oven mitt. So hot!"
••• A person decided breast implants were needed, and very resourcefully decided to approach strangers to ask for donations. And why not? That's how Dave got the $$$ for his toupee! Dave says we're going to be surprised when we find out who the person is. (Cue the C-SPAN video of Barney Frank addressing the House of Representatives with his 44-D hooters visible.) Ewww. ••• There's a big uproar about Team USA's Olympics uniforms, designed by Ralph Lauren, but made in China. (Why the ridiculous berets?) We see a picture of four young people wearing the dark blazers, white pants and berets. Dave says, "It's a beret, Ralph. I don't know what's goin' on in your house, buddy, but you can look long and hard for a beret in my place." ••• Mitten Romney has that prancing horse that hops up and down. Now said horse has made the USA Olympics equestrian team. / video: We see the prancing horse, now wearing a Ralph Lauren jacket and beret. ••• Mitt Romney's an upstanding individual, which makes this clip, "The Wrath of Mitt," completely shocking. / video:
(title graphic)

(Chyron and voice-over): "WARNING: The following clip contains explicit languate. Viewer discretion is advised."

(Mitt): "My goodness!"

(voice-over, Chyron and "Lovin' You Lots and Lots" by the Norm Wooster Singers): "Send your obscenity complaints to the address on your screen."

445 12th Street NW
Washington, D.C. 20554
••• Here's a recycled video gag from July 10: Mitt Romney supposedly raised $106,000,000 in June. "He's a natural-born showman," Dave says. / video:
(clip): Mitten speaking

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney's march to the White House continues, with an astonishing $106,000,000 raised in June."

(new clip)

(voice-over): "What's Mitt's secret? Vision and leadership, of course. But mostly, women are responding to Magic Mitt."

(doctored clip): Mitten loosens his tie, and begins to disrobe before our very eyes.

(music): Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men" (with the Weather Girls)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: Happenin' ... for America."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Spoiler Alert": "The Allied forces won World War II." ••• desk chat:
  1. It's time for another session with the Hose Cam®. (The Late Show tweeted a picture of the inventors today.) I enjoy the Hose Cam®. It reminds me of Dave's description of Late Night back in the 80s: "high school with money."

  2. Dave was riding a bike while taking Sully for a run on Sunday. Along comes a woman who looks like Vince Lombardi. She slows down, sticks her Lombardi face out the window and asks, "Which one is the dog?"

  3. The Warner Brothers people are steamed at Dave for announcing that Batman is dead during Anne Hathaway's interview on 7/12/12. "Maybe he's dead. Maybe he ain't dead."

  4. Dave has a Ralph Lauren shopping bag. He takes out an Olympics polo shirt, with USA on the front. It's quite a nice item, but what about the flip side? It's embroidered "O'BRIEN 12." Did Conan get Dave's shirt?

  5. more Hose Cam®
••• Morgan Freeman plugs The Dark Knight Rising. He seems kind of cranky tonight. ••• Gallagher interview (which wasn't much, ladies and gentlemen) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Gallagher ••• Nas (Nasir Bin Olu Dara Jones) raps. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick on saxophone]

7/17/12 [3703]: The USA Olympic team uniforms include a beret. Dave calls for a shot of the Ralph Lauren outfits, then for a look at the label: Made in China. Dave then calls for a close-up of the label. Well, what do you know? The label is Made in USA. [Dave needs to watch the beret jokes. Anton Fig has been wearing a black beret on the show for years!] ••• There's big discussion on jobs creation. The White House has just responded with a statement. / video:

(clip): Barack Obama

(voice-over): "After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Obama is pleased to announce... today he created a job."

(photo of a nerd with a briefcase): Congratulations to Emilio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland on his new job: making charts illustrating President Obama's downward-spiraling approval ratings."

(photo of the president)

(voice-over): "President Obama: We did it."

••• The United States is having terrible heat and drought this month. Our pals at the Late Show are doing their part to cool New York City a little bit, and here's a demo. / animation: The Late Show marquee has been remodeled as a propellor. The FX guys take it for a spin. Whoops! It just took out a car. Any pilot knows you're supposed to holler "prop clear" before starting the engine. It was a nice gesture, though. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a special welcome to Aeromexico Club Premier Members. ••• desk chat:
  1. Weather Report: 95° F, humidity 36% / Watch out for wildfires when the humidity drops to 17%.

  2. Hose Cam® on Broadway, in front of the Computers and Cameras store

  3. Dave has quite a show-and-tell on deer flies. First he has an enlarged picture of the sorry-looking varmints. They look a fair amount like a housefly, but with an elongated abdomen or fuselage, if you will. They're related to the horse fly, but smaller. They have an auger snout that goes into human flesh. Then an anticoagulant chemical is released under the skin, making the victim yell "ouch!"
••• Alan Kalter spins the drum to pick who we're playing for tonight. We're playing for the Kroger famliy from Columbus, Ohio! Whoa. What is wrong with Alan? His face looks like it's been exposed to gamma rays for a few weeks. Big Red has never been redder. Dave asks if he's OK. We're being told that he's OK. ••• Alan announces,
"Tonight's Top Ten list is brought to you by North Korea. Experience all North Korea has to offer: Top-flight dining, fine entertainment and the loosest slots in the Eastern Hemisphere. North Korea. Remember, you can't spell 'fun' ... without 'Un!' "
••• Top Ten Ways to Describe the Current Weather ••• Hose Cam® ••• Roseanne Barr plugs an upcoming Comedy Central roast. ••• Aubrey Plaza plugs Safety Not Guaranteed. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Celebrity Name Scramble": MOT HANKS (Photo of Tom Hanks? Nope. Michael Z. McIntee of the Wahoo Gazette) ••• more Aubrey Plaza, unfortunately ••• JEFF the Brotherhood sing. Jeff's wearing a dress. Junior high must have been interesting for him. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.]

7/18/12 [3704]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent who's worried about fracking, which leads to tap water you can set on fire (maybe). ••• "Good Morning America News with a Smile" / video:

(title graphic and "When You're Smiling")

(George Stephanopoulos, smiling, on the GMA set): "...Let's get right to that murder case out in Texas."

(title graphic and "When You're Smiling")

••• "George W. Bush Word of the Night"
(George W. Bush): "We're big defenders of, uh, you know, healthy societies... educated societies... and educated societies, as well. Freedom is our... is kind of the cornerstone."

(FX): "yes" bell

••• It's customary for presidential candidates to release their tax returns to the public. Dave wonders, "Should the guy be in prison?" / video:
(Mitt speaking)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney is pleased to announce an innovative compromise that should end speculation about his tax returns, once and for all."

(graphics): IRS 1040 forms

(voice-over): "While Mitt still intends to keep his full tax returns from prior to 2010 private, he will release blank copies of those tax forms, and a corresponding list of numerals from those tax forms. You figure it out, genius."

••• It looks like Mitt Romney will choose Senator Rob Portman (R-OH) as his running mate. / It's the screaming-teen-girls-in-the-balcony gag. (x4) ••• The Dark Knight Rises opens this weekend. / Batman says, "It was so hot in Central Park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sun block on his nuts." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Fracking is hydraulic fracturing, the propagation of fractures in a rock layer, as a result of the action of a pressurized fluid. Dave recites a list of states that have been ruined by fracking. We're screwed, by the way. Then Dave talks about flammable tap water.
••• The DAVE phone rings.
(Dave): "Hello!"

(Jeff): "Uh, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm calling to register a complaint."

(Paul): "Ho, ho, ho."

(Dave): "Oh, a complaint about the TV show here?"

(Jeff): "Uh, no, Einstein, about the weather. Of course about the show, you hump!"

(Dave): "Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Is that you?"

(Dave, to the audience): "It's my Uncle Buddy, ladies and gentlemen. It's my Uncle Buddy on the phone!"

(Paul): "Uncle Buddy."

(Dave): "How're ya doin', Uncle Buddy?"

(Jeff): "Ronnie..."

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Jeff): "Ronnie, listen. I, I, I..."

(Dave): "It's Dave. What are you calling to complain about?"

(Jeff): (burps) "Listen, um..."

(Jeff, yelling into the next room): "Hey, go see who's in the driveway, will ya?"

(Jeff, to Dave): "Listen... Listen... Ronnie?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Jeff): "I, I, I, I don't care for some of the language on your program. Words... words like C... R... A... P. I mean, there are ladies and elderly people watching."

(Dave): "Yeah. OK. Well, fair enough. I'll take that under advisement."

(Jeff): "Re... re... re... remind me again..." (burps) "...what you do on the show."

(Dave): "Uncle Buddy, I'll bet you can light your tap water, can't you? I'm... I'm the, um... I am the host of the show."

(Jeff): "Oh, hi. Listen... Look, look, look... Don't lie to me, pal. You probably sit there all day and kiss Merv's ass."

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, um..."

(Jeff): "Listen. You know, your Aunt Betty and I watch the show every night."

(Dave): "Oh, thank you. That's very nice."

(Jeff, yelling into the next room): "Yeah, who is it? Who's out there?"

(Paul): "What is he doing?"

(Jeff): "Look, kid. Look, kid, I've gotta run. Remember what Grandpa said."

(Dave): "What?"

(Jeff, yelling to someone): "Holy      ! Someone's stealin' the truck!" (hangs up)

(Dave): "What is he...? Why would he...?"

(Paul): "I don't know."

(Dave): "Uncle Buddy."

••• Top Ten Questions on the Application to Become Mitt Romney's Running Mate ••• Kyra Sedgwick plugs The Closer. ••• desk chat: The lights dim. Dave sets fire to a glass of water on his desk. ••• Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg of ESPN / I've never figured out which Mike is which. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Don't be a victim of announcer fraud." Send $10 to Alan Kalter. ••• Red Wanting Blue sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.]

7/19/12 [3705]: monologue:

"I was very excited about going to see Batman, but I ruined the ending for myself. I announced on the program that Batman was dead. No, he's not. (Although I wouldn't put it past him.) But here's really how it ends: The dry cleaners lose his cape. That's it. It's over!"
••• Dave hopes to make it up to Batman by asking him to tell a joke on his show. The control room messes it up, and starts the clip of the joke (rerun from yesterday) near the end. They get it right a few moments later, after Dave does an impromptu dance number. Batman says, "It was so hot in Central Park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sun block on his nuts." The audience goes wild. ••• The Ralph Lauren Olympics uniforms are a huge topic, and we have a look. (photo) No, you FX sillies. The uniforms include berets, not Devo flower pots! (If you're not of a certain age, this visual gag will go right over your head.) ••• "CBS News Decision 2012 Update" /
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a 'CBS News Decision 2012 Update.' "

(clip): Mitt Romney on the campaign trail

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney has announced that his running mate will be (unintelligible). CBS News is on summer vacation for the next few weeks."

(Photoshop fun): Ben Bernanke in front of the Washington Monument, snapping a clip into a pistol

(voice-over): "We now return you to Bernanke."

••• Romney's opponents are fussing about his income during his years with Bain Capital. Here's a statement:
(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney was the president, CEO, chairman and sole shareholder of Bain Capital, except for the years from 1999 to 2002, when he was the president and chairman, while not being the president or the chairman or the president or the president, minus the years when he was and was not the sole president, sole chairman and sole chair-sharer, while not not being the non-former not-president, and non-retired, not-sole, non-president president."

(red Chyron overlay and voice-over): "IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE!"

(animation): a smiling Mitt over a waving flag

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney: A candidate we have no reason to not believe we can't completely not un-distrust."

••• "Reflections on the Presidency" / video:
(clips of recent presidents)

(female voice-over): "George H. W. Bush."

(George H. W. Bush): "I'm emotional about service to country, and it's the highest honor that a president can bestow on anybody."

(female voice-over): "Bill Clinton."

(William Jefferson Clinton): "I think I owe it to my fellow countrymen and people throughout the world to spend time savin' lives, solving problems, helping people see the future."

(female voice-over): "George W. Bush."

(George W. Bush): "Eight years was awesome, and, you know, I was famous and I was powerful..."

(female voice-over): "We've missed you, George! Good night, everyone."

••• desk chat:
Dave got in hot water with Warner Brothers for claiming that Batman croaked in The Dark Knight Rises. So he said, "Just send me the final scene of the Batman movie, and I'll show it." Jerry runs the clip. Batman's singing the "Call Me Maybe" song in a sissy voice. He slips on his soap in the shower, and instantly perishes.
(Dave): "You know, before we go any farther with tonight's program, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Kids, tell us all about it."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Hot enough for you? Well, we have plenty of cool things to show you on the Weekend Late Show, including a visit to some of the most-popular summer stock theaters in our area. At one, we ran into Lorenzo Lamas!"

(Bruce): "Wow! You know, I used to do summer stock. I had a pretty big part in Oooooklahoma."

(Linda): "You have a great voice. Saturday is also the 43rd anniversary of the first man walking on the moon. Inspired by how the astronauts eat, our personal shopper, Tony Gertz, will show us all the different foods that are now available in a squeezable tube."

(Bruce): "Three... two... one. Blastoff!"

(Linda): "And sometimes the simplest things can make a big difference. That's why Candy Sheckman, our hygiene reporter, is going to take us through the many different kinds of talcum powder."

(Bruce): "All that, plus propane dos and don'ts, highway rest stop etiquette and what should you wear to a summer funeral? Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "How do they get all of that in one show? Whoa!"

••• Top Ten North Korean Hit Songs ••• Woody Harrelson plugs his play, Bullet for Adolf, opening soon at New World Stages, 340 West 50th St. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mitten Romney is just about to announce his running mate. The Late Show is on it. Jerry Foley divides up the screen for a look at the correspondents.:
  • Neil Jacobsen in Charleston, South Carolina (Walter Kim)
  • Arthur Daniels in Manchester, New Hampshire
  • Max Cooper in Washington, D. C.
  • Barbara Lubis in Concord, New Hampshire (Kathy Mavrikakis)
  • Megan Reynolds in Atlanta, Georgia
  • Leo Ford in Memphis, Tennessee (Steve Young)
  • Chet Perkins in Phoenix, Arizona
  • Dale Sutherland in Augusta, Maine
  • Danielle Baggio in Denver, Colorado
  • Ira Albertson in Chicago, Illinois

We don't hear from any of them. ••• Graffiti6 sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is in on saxophone.]

7/20/12: REPEAT FROM 6/20/12

7/23/12 [3706]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Allison from Chicago. She apparently has been out of the country for the better part of two decades, and asked Dave about canned hams for audience members. ••• We all know about Ken Burns, who does documentaries. He has another one coming up on PBS this fall. / video:

(old-time pictures and sappy music)

(voice-over): "After years of painstaking research and experimentation, the haggard inventors were ready to introduce their creation. In the midst of such hardscrabble times, the novel confection provided a sugary beacon of hope to a weary, downtrodden nation. We'll return with more of Ken Burns' Gum, after these messages."

••• Mitt Romney's traveling to foreign countries to offset criticism that he lacks foreign affairs experience. Dave has a photo of Mitt's foreign flight crew. / Aw, it's just those kids in the Ralph Lauren Olympics uniforms! ••• OK... you know what's coming next: It's Mitt's prancing, Olympics-bound horse, looking smart in its Ralph Lauren uniform. ••• Mitten is narrowing the field for his running mate. / "Portman vs. Pawlenty" / video:
(title graphic and silly music)

(photo): Rob Portman

(voice-over): "Rob Portman: Bland white guy from Ohio.'

(photo): Tim Pawlenty

(voice-over): "Tim Pawlenty: Bland white guy from Minnesota."

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This concludes 'Portman vs. Pawlenty.' "

••• "What's Mitt Romney's Money Doing Today?"
(title graphic)

(animation): It's a large stack of gold bricks, skiing behind a motorboat.

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell


(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tongue Twisters for Beginners": "Cup. Keep practicing." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's proud to announce that Takuma Sato, driving for Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing, came in second in the Edmonton Indy yesterday, just behind Helio Castroneves.

  2. Dave announces two Emmy nominations for Episode 3602, the Darlene Love / Jay Thomas episode:

    • Jerry Foley: Outstanding Directing for a Variety Series

    • Tim Kennedy: Outstanding Technical Direction, Camerawork, Video Control for a Series

  3. Eric and Justin Stangel are nominated for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special for the 84th Academy Awards.
••• "2012 Olympic Demonstration Sports"
(title graphic and Olympics music)

(graphic): "Competitive Standing"

(voice-over): "Competitive Standing"

It's White vs. Fetter. Dan Fetter wins. The audience goes wild.

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Television Shows Not Nominated for an Emmy / #3: America's Got Ringworm ••• desk chat: Dave says the Emmy Awards people have just called. Producer Nancy Agostini reports that the Late Show is still not nominated. We're being told she's OK. ••• Will Ferrell plugs The Campaign. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Summertime Tips from the American Dairy Association: Try a frozen stick of butter. ••• "Alan Kalter's Olympic Preview": Alan has a container of chalk, which he rubs on his chest. He seems to enjoy that very much. Alan never disappoints! ••• Rufus Wainwright sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is in on saxophone.]

7/24/12 [3707]: Tonight's audience shout out is a history of Dave's cars, back in the day. ••• eBay Update: Joe Paterno's statue, which was junked two days ago, opened at $3.50. No one has placed a bid yet. ••• All-Star outfielder Ichiro Suzuki left the Mariners for the Yankees on July 23. / video:

(action photos of Ichiro)

(voice-over): "The Yankees acquired 10-time All-Star Ichiro Suzuki from the Seattle Mariners, and don't think we're done there. We've just made deals with more greats, like hit king Pete Rose, Hall-of-Famer Stan Musial (age 91), and the dynamic duo of Bobby Doerr (age 94) and Johnny Peske (age 92), and hockey legend Gordie Howe (82). The New York Yankees: Come Watch History."

••• "2012 Olympic Demonstration Sports" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over and Chyron): "Freestyle Tidying"

(FX): starter pistol fired

(clip): Cue card assistant Todd Seda stands behind on a pile of crap on a table. He works furiously to organize the mess, and triumphantly raises his arms to stop the clock at 14.663 seconds.

(title graphic)

••• Dave hates dirty politics. His pal, Barack Obama, is the latest culprit. / video:
(Obama clip): "Over the next four months you have a choice to make, not just between two political parties, or even two people. It's a choice between two very different plans for our country."

(guy sticks his head in the frame from the side): "Romney sucks!"

(voice-over): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Panhandle of the Night": Oklahoma ••• Hose Cam® ••• Now, how about this: Dave has a new switch for a Hose Cam® in the green room. Jerry takes us there live, where our first guest, Zach Galifianakis, smartly-dressed and ready to go, is looking over a magazine. Dave hoses him down, but good. He's drenched, and doesn't seem to mind. One cool customer. ••• desk chat: The Late Show wasn't nominated for an Emmy last week. Dave wants to look at every show over the past 25 years to see why. / "Reasons the Late Show Wasn't Nominated for an Emmy": (We see a clip from spring 2012 of Dave turned away from the audience, tweeting. He's the only thing on CBS right now.) ••• [On July 22, about two dozen people suffered injured feet at a Tony Robbins event, after he persuaded them to walk on hot coals. / Top Ten Things Overheard at the Tony Robbins "Firewalk Experience" / #2: "Worst seminar since Deepak Chopra's 'Groinkick Experience' " ••• Zach Galifianakis plugs The Campaign. He arrives onstage in a dry, bright yellow suit that perfectly matches Paul Shaffer's suit, including cool yellow sunglasses. [By the way, for those interested, Zach's outfit can be picked up from CanadianPimp.com.] The suit will get him onto all the celebrity web pages this week. ••• Sergeant Valerie Brown (ret.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a special hello to viewers with swimming pool water trapped in their ears ••• more Valerie Brown ••• Allen Stone sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is on saxophone.]

7/25/12 [3708]: monologue: "New York City tap water is cloudier than Mitt Romney's finances." ••• premiere: a squeaking faucet FX to accompany Dave's tap water joke ••• William Staub, a mechanical engineer who invented the treadmill, croaked on July 19 at the age of 96. / animation: His coffin is lowered onto an operating treadmill. Upon contact, the treadmill neatly and accurately deposits his coffin into the grave. ••• Coach Joe Paterno's statue was unceremoniously removed by Penn State on July 22, but what has become of it? / Photoshop fun: It's now in front of a Bob's Big Boy®. ••• Scientists want to know what deep space smells like. / video:

An astronaut is seen drifting through space. He removes his helmet and remarks, "Hey... smells like tacos!"

The astronaut falls down. Apparently the vacuum, combined with a temperature of about 2.7° Kelvin, has gotten to him.

(graphic): NASA logo and "END TRANSMISSION"

••• Mitt Romney has been traveling to foreign countries to beef up on foreign policy. He's going to the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in London. By the way, the Late Show has acquired footage of a test of the Olympics torch.
(animation): Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is seen on some sort of structure. She's growling and breathing fire, while Olympics-type music is heard.
••• "2012 Olympic Demonstration Sports" has become an instant hit on the Late Show. / video:
(title graphic and Olympics fanfare)

(graphic): "PANTS-WEARING"

(voice-over): "Pants-wearing."

(clip): Dan Fetter and (Bill?) White / White gives up and takes off his pants. Dan Fetter shouts, "Yes!"

(title graphic and Olympics fanfare)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. The Letterman family pooch, Sully, has been circling the sun for a while, and is now up to 91 pounds of hound. He's like a fullback, who wants to run and kill people. One of Dave's missions is to keep Sully exhausted, to minimize carnage on native game, including Canada geese, bunnies, skunks and poultry. This is accomplished by running him. Dave reports that he's gotten some sort of leash attachment for his bicycle, 'cause he can't keep up. It was either that, or hooking him up to the car, like Romney. About a week ago, Dave, Regina, his sister-in-law, Harry and Harry's cousins were out for a ride. Sully wasn't pooped yet, when he spotted a bunny. Off he went, with Dave in tow. Soon Dave's bike went out from under him, and Dave crashed and burned. He'd landed harder than at any time in his life. When Harry first saw Dave on the ground, he wondered if Daddy had kicked the bucket. The verdict on Monday: three cracked ribs... numbers 7, 8 and 9, to be exact. Get well soon, Dave.

  2. It's the usual feral mad-dog pic of Sully.
••• A Burger King® employee in Cleveland, as well as other employees, were fired after a picture of one of them standing in containers of lettuce went viral. / Top Ten Excuses of the Burger King Employee Who Stood in the Lettuce ••• Academy Award nominee Jonah Hill plugs The Watch. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dr. Leonard Girardi, a cardiothoracic surgeon with New York Presbyterian Weill-Cornell Medical Center, plugs his reality show, NY Med. ••• Milo Greene sings. ••• [Felicia Collins isn't in tonight. Mike Mueller substituted.] ••• [Aaron Heick is in on saxophone.]

7/26/12 [3709]: [IT'S AL CHEZ's LAST NIGHT WITH THE CBS ORCHESTRA.] Late Show historian Don Giller reports that Al Chez appeared on 19 episodes of Late Night, and 2,999 Late Show episodes. ••• monologue: Dave amuses himself (and the American public, of course) by wrestling himself. ••• Someone's trying to capitalize on our nation's drought. / video:

(clips): blazing sun and parched crops

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Don't let the hot, dry summer ruin your family fun. Spend the day in Drought Park. Frolic in the No Wave Pool."

(photo): former swimming pool overgrown by weeds

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Relax on the Rambling Riverbed."

(photo): rocks

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Enjoy our Picnic Area."

(photo): cracked, desolate land

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Refreshments available."

(Photoshop fun): a bottle of Drought Park Water® @ $49.00

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "And don't miss our famous Waterless Slide."

(animation): guy slides down a colorful slide into an empty swimming pool

(Drought Park animated logo)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Drought Park: When You're Thirsty for Excitement!"

••• monologue: more of Dave wrestling himself ••• The NCAA took away 112 of Penn State's victories this week. / eBay: Joe's fallen statue is still stuck at a $3.50 starting bid. ••• for no special reason: It's Mitt Romney's prancing horse, in its Ralph Lauren Olympics opening ceremonies uniform. ••• Speaking of horses, it's Nancy Grace on Dancing with the Stars. ••• "Not an Olympian" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): a fat guy snoring

(title graphic)

••• "Barack Obama's Broken Campaign Promises" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "During the 2008 campaign, Barack Obama made the following promise:"

(Barack Obama): "I'll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece."

(FX): "boom" and red graphic overlay: PROMISE BROKEN!

(voice-over): "Shame on you, Mr. President."

(Mitt Romney, with fake mustache): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Reasons the Late Show Wasn't Nominated for an Emmy" / video from 4/06/11:
Dave does a lengthy dog impression. We're not sure if it's growling or choking or what at first, but it's an impression of Sully Letterman with some sort of critter with a long tail in his mouth. (Mike McIntee's Odd Dave database no doubt came in handy for this.)
••• It's time to preview the Weekend Late Show.
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, before we go any farther, let's check in with Bruce and Linda now, to see what's comin' up on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. The Olympics are here, and we have a world-class Saturday planned in the Weekend Late Show's Cookery Nook."

(Bruce): "We're dedicating the first half hour of the show to recipes you can enjoy while watching the London Games on the telly! We'll make everything from Gold Medal Meatballs to Olympic Onion Rings!"

(Linda, laughing): "You're so silly! And Father Don Brennan will present his traditional Olympic invocation. It's always such a special message for the athletes."

(Bruce): "Then our Man on the Street, Wink Wilson, takes a hilarious look at some of the area's clothing-optional beaches. I hope Wink kept his modesty intact!"

(Linda): "Yikes! And meteorologist Uncle Mike Sullivan is at another small-town carnival. This week it's Casco Days in Casco, Maine."

(Bruce): "I hope they put him in the dunk tank! All that, plus hunting with slingshots, avoiding lawnmower accidents and how can you tell if you have a parasite? Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, kids."

••• Top Ten Nations Competing in the Olympics or Bones in the Human Body / Paul mutters, "This is the slimmest premise for a bit I've ever seen." / #5: coccyx/Djibouti ••• "Reasons the Late Show Wasn't Nominated for an Emmy" / video from earlier tonight: Dave wrestling himself during the monologue ••• Joel McHale plugs Community on NBC. ••• out of commercial: Jerry Foley focuses on Al Chez singing, on his last night with the Late Show. This is a sad night for his many fans. ••• Biff Henderson comes out to set up "Biff Hangs Out with Olympic Hopefuls." He attended the 2012 Team USA (Olympic) Summits in Dallas and Times Square. / video:
Biff visits with (or competes with) Gwen Jorgensen - Triathlon, Mike Krzyzewski - Men's Basketball, Marlen Esparza - Boxing, Debbie Capozzi - Sailing, Cassidy Krug - Diving, Tim Morehouse - Fencing, Rau-shee Warren - Boxing, Christal Engle - Beach Volleyball, Spenser Mango - Greco-Roman Wrestling, Greg Louganis - Olympic great / clip of a fat boy diving into an icy pond, and finally, Phil Dalhausser - Beach Volleyball.
••• Andrew Norelli does stand-up. ••• will.i.am sings (with guest Eva Simmons). ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Aaron Heick is in on saxophone.]

7/27/12: REPEAT FROM 2/01/12 (the 30th anniversary show)

7/30/12: REPEAT FROM 6/12/12

7/31/12: REPEAT FROM 6/25/12

8/01/12: REPEAT FROM 6/21/12

8/02/12: REPEAT FROM 6/26/12

8/03/12: REPEAT FROM 6/06/12

8/06/12: REPEAT FROM 6/27/12

8/07/12: REPEAT FROM 7/11/12

8/08/12: REPEAT FROM 4/24/12

8/09/12: REPEAT FROM 7/09/12

8/10/12: REPEAT FROM 7/23/12

8/13/12 [3710]: tardy report: Tony Mendez tried to sneak in on stage left during the theme song, but we caught him! ••• audience shout out: Blue Earth, Minnesota ••• Some countries unfortunately didn't snag any medals in the Summer Olympics. / "Zero Medal Excuse" / video:

(title graphic and "Welcome to Jurassic Park"

(voice-over): "Austria: Thought 2012 was the Rio Games."

(photo): the Austrian team in an empty stadium

(title graphic)

••• New for August 2012: Dave is no longer calling Mitt Romney Mitten. He's now Mitch. / We see Mitt's dancing horse. ••• monologue: "This makes me feel better. The U. S. won more gold medals than China. 'Course, the gold medals were made in China." ••• "CBS News Correction" / video:
(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Correction. On Saturday we mistakenly reported that Mitt Romney had chosen Paul Reiser as his running mate."

(FX): "no" buzzer

(voice-over): "We now return you to Beach Priest, already in progress."

••• monologue:
"This is fascinating. In college, Paul Ryan... one of his jobs was he drove the Oscar Mayer® Wienermobile. You know what I'm talkin' about with the wienermobile? So that... he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."
••• not new for August: It's Mitt Romney's dog on the car roof. ••• "Not Invited to the GOP Convention" / video:
(title graphic and Air Force One music)

(female voice-over): "Tune in to the Republican Party Convention, when party members convene in Tampa to see the nation's most famous conservative leaders, like Newt Gingrich,"

(photo, male voice-over and NOT INVITED stamp): "Not invited."

(female voice-over): "Sarah Palin,"

(photo, male voice-over and NOT INVITED stamp): "Not invited."

(female voice-over): "Michele Bachmann,"

(photo, male voice-over and NOT INVITED stamp): "Not invited."

(female voice-over): "Donald Trump,"

(photo, male voice-over and NOT INVITED stamp): "Not invited."

(female voice-over): "Dick Cheney,"

(photo, male voice-over and NOT INVITED stamp): "Not invited."

(female voice-over): "George W. Bush"

(photo, male voice-over and NOT INVITED stamp): "Not invited."

(female voice-over): "and Mitt Romney,

(photo, male voice-over): "But he won't talk about his tax returns, his years at Bain Capital or his dancing horse."

(female voice-over): "Paid for by the Republican National Convention."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I set a personal best this summer! I've been struck by lightning four times!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave loved watching the Olympics, but it also made him feel like a loser.

  2. Michael Phelps will retire as the all-time Olympic medal winner (22)... the greatest Olympian ever. They're trying to get some publicity for the kid, so he swims at night in a pool with all his medals on him, and he sinks!

  3. Dave wonders if Ashton Eaton is on tonight. Nancy Agostini says he is. We're being told Nancy is OK.

  4. Croatia defeated New Zealand in Olympic Lawn Darts.
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage.
(We see Chinese people demonstrating the Squatter®.)

(Alan Kalter): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by the Universal Squatter®. This high-quality, beneficial squatting machine is the one you've been waiting for! If you have an obsolete squatting machine that just isn't getting it done, why not switch to the Universal Squatter®? Don't make the mistake of trying to squat unassisted. Make the right choice for all your squatting needs. Choose the Universal Squatter®! Back to you, Dave."

••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Paul Ryan ••• Paul Shaffer announces that Greg Adams, a member of the Tower of Power Horns since 1970, is sitting in all week on trumpet. ••• Andy Samberg plugs Celeste and Jesse Forever. ••• "Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and warning signs your pet has joined a cult ••• Ashton Eaton, Olympic Gold Medalist in Decathlon ••• Glen Hansard, along with kids from the Brooklyn Youth Chorus, sing. ••• Will Lee is off to Japan for a while. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [An unknown bass player is in for Will Lee.]

8/14/12 [3711]: audience shout out: Bakersfield, California (I guess. Where else has one?) ••• It's Shark Week on the Late Show, so for a few seconds there's a cutesy logo onscreen (as well as a man overboard who is about to be lunch.) ••• In tribute to the Fierce Five Olympians who we'll see later, there are five non-Olympians in the audience. I don't know who all of them are, but one is film coordinator Rick Scheckman, and beside him is stagehand Tommy O'Brien. ••• "Mitt Romney: Energized" / video:

(title graphic and hard-hitting action music)

(CNN footage): Mitt is seen standing silently, and occasionally blinking.

(fake mustache footage): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• "The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke" / video:
(title graphic and romantic music)

(clip): the always-tubby Chris Christie

(voice-over): "Chris Christie is so not fat, Dunkin' Donuts did not start charging him rent. This has been 'The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Tonight's show is so multifaceted and fascinating, we'll need a second show to explain the show.

  2. We have the team all-around gold medalists in gymnastics. They're just kids, and they give America hope. Meanwhile, Dave had a paper route at their age. Not only that, McKayla Maroney competed with a broken toe. While afflicted with a broken toe, one should only be able to play parcheesi.

  3. Rodriguez is performing tonight. He recorded in the late 60s and early 70s, then disappeared. He was in South Africa, and eventually was rediscovered in Dearborn, Michigan.

  4. "I wouldn't be surprised if they take this show away from me."
••• Since vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer® Wienermobile: Top Ten Other Corporate Promotional Vehicles ••• Jennifer Garner plugs The Odd Life of Timothy Green. ••• To occupy the five-person guest couch, we have none other than the five young ladies who won team gold in Olympic Gymnastics: Gabrielle Douglas, Jordyn Wieber, McKayla Maroney, Kyla Ross and Alexandra Raisman. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more with the Olympic gymnasts, now known as The Fierce Five ••• Rodriguez with the CBSO ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's in Japan. / ? is sitting in for him.] ••• [Greg Adams is in all week on trumpet.]

8/15/12 [3712]: "What Does U. S. Olympic Gymnast McKayla Maroney Think of That Joke?" / video: The lovely McKayla, seen backstage, does her now-famous Silver Medal scowl. ••• "Shark Week" on the Late Show ••• "What Does U. S. Olympic Gymnast McKayla Maroney Think of That Joke?" ••• Dave claims that Mitt Romney is the new male model on The Price Is Right. / Photoshop fun: We see a smiling Mitt in front of the famous logo. ••• "The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke" / video:

(title graphic and romantic music)

(clip): the always-tubby Chris Christie

(voice-over): "Chris Christie is so not fat, whenever he takes his shirt off, a rancher does not brand him. This has been 'The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke.' "

(title graphic)

••• "What Does U. S. Olympic Gymnast McKayla Maroney Think of That Joke?" ••• Today in a campaign commercial, Mitt Romney attacked Medicare. / video:
(photo of a retired man)

(voice-over): "You paid into Medicare for years. Every paycheck. Now when you need it, Obama has cut $716 billion from Medicare. Why? To pay for Obamacare. So now the money you paid for your guaranteed health care is going to a massive new government program that's not for you."

(clip of a radio announcer): "What a load of horse       ."

(doctored Mitt mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Nancy Agostini confirms with Dave that Usain Bolt, The Fastest Man Alive, is here. / FX: Usain screams by Dave's command module in about ¼ second. ••• Live onstage, Lionel Richie sings the Top Ten Rejected Lionel Richie Song Lyrics. (This was a great effort by the writers, and a very cool performance by Lionel. Hey... I still have my train set.) ••• Tom Brokaw plugs his latest book, The Time of Our Lives.
Once again, Tom secures his status as Dave's all-time best guest. He always has interesting and important topics. Tom and Dave have a mutual respect and friendship that result in a great discussion in every appearance. Tonight, Tom talks about the role of England in World War II, the determination of the English people while London was attacked, and the leadership of Sir Winston Churchill. Congratulations to Tom and Meredith on their 50-year marriage.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dana Vollmer interview
U. S. Olympic Gold Medalist Dana Vollmer came home with three gold medals, for 100-meter butterfly, 4x200-meter freestyle relay and 4x100-meter medley relay, and set personal and Olympic records in the process. Throughout her spectacular career, she has been challenged by serious cardiac issues, resulting in a ruling that a defibrillator be available when she completes!
••• Beth Orton sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee is in Japan. His stand-in is ?] ••• [Greg Adams is in on trumpet this week.]

8/16/12 [3713]: tardy report: Tony Mendez once again tries to sneak in during the theme song, but we catch him! ••• audience shout out: one or more wearing something aquamarine. ••• monologue:

(Dave): "Do we have anybody visiting from out-of-town? We have tourists... vacationers? OK. If you ride the New York City subway system, remember one thing: If you feel something, say something."
NASA launched a vehicle carrying the Curiosity rover last year. It landed on Mars on August 6, and promptly sent pictures home. / animation: We hear a jalopy and an aaoogah horn, and see Leno driving the contraption. Man... that thing's burning some oil. The exhaust is nasty. ••• interruption: An unknown man walks on during the monologue.
(Richard Frost): "Hi, Dave."

(Dave): "How are you? Nice to see you."

(Richard Frost): "I'm Richard Frost. I'm an actor playing IOC Chairman Jacques Rogge."

(Dave): "Oh, hi." (shakes hands) "Nice to see you, Richard."

(Richard Frost): "Nice to see you."

(Dave): "Thank you."

(Richard Frost): "You know, that last joke was World Class. And it was so impressive, in fact..."

(Dave): "You mean the one that made the audience groan? OK."

(Richard Frost): "World standards have dropped some, but..."

(Dave, laughing): "Yeah, I guess so!"

(Richard Frost): "It was so impressive, in fact, that on behalf of the International Olympic Committee, I'd like to present you with this." (displays a gold medal) "A gold medal from your props department!"

(Dave): "Wow! That's wonderful! Thank you very much. I'll treasure that. That's a beauty. Thank you very much!" (shakes hands)

(Richard Frost): "Thank you."

(Dave): "OK."

(Richard Frost, to the audience): "And I'll see all of you in, uhhh, the Ukraine... or wherever."

(Dave): "Yeah. Thank you very much."

(CBSO): Olympic fanfare

(Dave): "I'll slip that on. I hope Mom's watching."

••• "Who Is Paul Ryan?" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic movie soundtrack)

(voice-over): "Paul Ryan is a seven-term Congressman from Wisconsin's First Congressional District. He earned a bachelor of arts degree from Miami University in Ohio..."

("Ripley's Believe It or Not!" logo)

(voice-over): "...and is the grandson of the "Ripley's Believe It or Not!" man, who was able to swallow his own face."

(split-screen photo): the toothless guy who touch his nose with his lower lip)

(cartoon music, slide whistle, etc.)

(voice-over): "Hope you learned something on 'Who Is Paul Ryan?' "

(title graphic)

••• Paul Ryan likes to fish with his bare hands. / photos: Ryan with a deer carcass, an elk carcass and a turkey: Mitt ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "If you could meet any person, living or dead, who would it be? The correct answer is: Jerry Stiller!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave really doesn't want to mention an audience lady's birthday. He recites names of numerous programs that stoop to this kind of stunt. He's not Willard Scott. He doesn't have to do that. He's not Oprah. He's not Regis. It's not his thing, but happy birthday to Ann, who's on the back row of the audience.

  2. It's Shark Week on the Late Show. / FX: splash / growl / bite / man screaming / lifeguard's whistle / splash / gurgling sound / motorboat sound / "Help me!" / fog horn / slide whistle
••• Bruce and Linda promo the Weekend Late Show.
(Dave): "Hey, you know what let's do now? Let's check in with Bruce and Linda. Who do you like better, Paul? Bruce or Linda?"

(Paul): "Linda!"

(Dave): "I love Linda. She's fantastic. I think Bruce is a stooge, quite frankly. But I love Linda."

(Paul): "Bruce is very confident."

(Dave): "That's right. Let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's comin' up this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. National Goat Cheese Month is here once again, and that means it's time to see whether or not Bruce can successfully milk a goat."

(Bruce): "I have a good feeling about it! I'm ignoring any naaaaaysayers."

(Linda): "Then, over in the Weekend Workshop, we'll be joined by Mike McCarty, a local craftsman who makes hats out of sheet metal."

(Bruce): "Hats off to that! And speaking of crafts, who doesn't love beads and jewelry? Well, the Philadelphia Bead Show is this weekend, and our style editor, Chloe Fisco, will give us a first look."

(Linda): "Beadwork is so intricate!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus the warning signs of heat stroke, flavored icewater and could your pet have a secret family? Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. It's Bruce and Linda... the Weekend Late Show."

(Paul): "Love it!"

••• Top Ten Things We've Learned About Mars ••• Tracy Morgan plugs Why Stop Now. ••• Here's a distinguished new guest, Carlos Slim, the wealthiest man in the world.
(Carlos, in English subtitles): "Hello, and good evening, my name is Carlos Slim. That's right, Carlos Slim. Ha ha. I'm laughing because my name is Slim, and you people are probably fat. Ha ha ha. Also, guess what. I am the wealthiest man in the world. That's right. 69 billion big ones. Come on Bill Gates, Warren Buffett. Hey what about Mark Zuckerberg. Bring it on, Zuck. Rhymes with suck, right? Ha ha ha. Facebook my ass. I own The New York Times. That's right, The New York Damn Times. Ha ha ha ha. Facebook that, Zuck. I don't even speak English. 69 billion dollars. I ain't talking Pesos. Dollars, clams, greenbacks." (looking at Dave) "Hey mule face, come on down to Mexico and bring your pistol. Keep ridin' low, low riders. I am Carlos Slim, richest man in the world. Vaya con Dios."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan opens a jar of sauce. How about that, ladies? ••• Erik Kynard, Jr., Olympic High Jump Silver Medalist
I know a thing or two about Erik. He's a student athlete at Kansas State University, my alma mater and employer. Erik, 21, is the back-to-back NCAA champion in outdoor high jump, and a two-time Big 12 champion. He's coached by the internationally-respected Cliff Rovelto. Erik's dad was a college runner, and encouraged that for Erik, who didn't want to follow in his footsteps. He has no interest in other events. No running. No pole jump. Just high jump. He started with the Western Roll for one day. Then he went to the "Erik Kynard Jump as High as You Can and Just Make It Over the Bar Sort of Thing." He invented that, by the way. He broke his high school coach's impressive 6' 10" record as a freshman.

Dave's fascinated with the high jump. It's his favorite event. He wants to know the physics behind the jump. Erik says his secret is to run as fast as you can, under control. He says you have to keep your shoulders parallel to the bar, and take off about five feet from it. You want to jump away from the bar... not up. Jumping is a combination of getting up and acrobatics. He does a full back flip most of the time. Then Dave and Erik have a talk about the gold medalist from Russia, who couldn't seem to find his shirt before he jumped. We're very proud of Erik at K-State.

••• Ben Howard sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee is in Japan. His stand-in is ?.] ••• [Greg Adams is in on trumpet this week.]

8/17/12: REPEAT FROM 7/24/12

8/20/12 [3714]: Today Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore became the first female members of the Augusta National Golf Club. / video:

(music, photo of the Master's board)

(voice-over): "OK, we admitted two women, and one of them is African American. Now leave us alone."

(photo of the entrance)

(voice-over): "Augusta National Golf Club: We are golf."

••• Barack Obama has been brewing beer in the White House. Naturally, the GOP wants to keep up with the coolness. As it happens, Mitten Romney is also quite the brewmeister. / video:
(photo): Obama with some beer buddies

(voice-over): "To connect with working-class Americans, Barack Obama has been drinking beer with voters at campaign stops, and has even begun brewing his own White House beer. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney has come up with his own signature drink."

(clip): beer being poured into a glass

(voice-over): "Take four ounces of cold tap water. Dilute it with four ounces of warm tap water. Allow 20 minutes to settle, and enjoy!"

(photo): a smiling Mitt, holding a glass of H2O

(voice-over): "Don't overdo it."

(Mitt Romney, with FX mustache): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• It's the clip of Mitt singing in Norwegian, which Dave has now decided is the Mormon National Anthem. Here are the lyrics. / video:
(clip): Mitt singing

(Chyron lyrics):


••• Republicans are criticizing Obama for capitalizing on the extermination of Osama. Here's a Republican ad on their position. / video:
(clip): the president addressing the nation

(voice-over): "What Barack Obama wants you to believe: He coordinated a top-secret, precision assault that took out America's most-hated enemy. What really happened: Osama choked on a Pop Tart™."

(Photoshop fun): the mass murderer, on a couch in his shanty, with a Value Pack of Pop Tarts in his lap, trying to Heimlich himself

(voice-over): "A Message from Kellogg's."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Elements That Sound Like Insults" (for example: Boron) ••• desk chat:
  1. Fun follows Dave around, especially with an eight-year-old son. Either Justin or Eric Stangel told Dave he should get some model rockets, and he did just that. They were fine, but Dave has access to Grucci Brothers-quality fireworks. Every 4th of July, a guy brings him a truckload of their best stuff, and they set 'em off. The only good thing about the model rocket is the dog chases it. Dave's suggestion: Get the biggest model rocket money can buy. Fly a kite, as high as you can get it. Connect the rocket guidance system to the kite string when it's up 10,000 feet, then stand back and let the rocket chase the kite. Upon hearing that, Paul announces that Dave is "an igniter, not a divider."

  2. NASA put a car on Mars, and it's driving around. Today they tested a rock sample from the surface of Mars, using a laser. Here's actual phony NASA footage... either live or Memorex®:
    (NASA monotone voice-over): "Calibrating Curiosity rover sample analysis mechanism. Confirming coordinates for laser-induced breakdown spectroscopy. Activating laser."

    (FX): Mars explodes.

    (NASA monotone voice-over): "Double-checking laser calibration."

    (NASA logo and dentist-office music)

    (NASA monotone voice-over): "End transmission."

••• Freshman Congressman Kevin Yoder (R-KS), while on a junket, took the liberty of skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee. That's where Jesus multiplied the fish and loaves, and made everyone a nice fish sandwich. The Congressman (no relation to me, as far as I know!) had to apologize on Sunday. / Top Ten Congressman Kevin Yoder Excuses ••• Kelsey Grammer plugs Boss. He's 57, and has a brand-new baby Grammer, as well as a grandchild. (Dave says he's showing off.) ••• Olivia Munn plugs The Newsroom. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Olivia Munn ••• Train sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's in Japan. / Neil Jason is sitting in for him.] ••• [Frank Greene is sitting in on trumpet this week.] ••• [Train do a live webcast at 8 p.m. ET.]

8/21/12 [3715]: tardy report: Mary-Louise Parker becomes the first guest who was in the building, but missed her cue. No explanation was given. ••• tonight's audience shout out: a guy in a plaid shirt ••• monologue:

After a lame joke, an audience guy (OK... Paul's assistant, Dan Fetter) is overcome with laughter. He can't stop laughing. FX: After 20 seconds of this foolishness, the guy's zapped right off the face of the earth. He 'splodes! Not a trace... not a molecule left of him. I guess he took the pages' pre-show pep talk a bit too seriously.
••• Republicans are criticizing Obama for capitalizing on the extermination of Osama. Here's a Republican ad on their position. / video:
(clip): the president addressing the nation

(voice-over): "What Barack Obama wants you to believe: He coordinated a top-secret, precision assault that took out America's most-hated enemy. What really happened:"

(desert photo / animation): We hear the familiar toy-piano melody of an ice cream truck. / Osama bin Laden, standing on the sandy terrain, is killed by a Mr. Softee® truck.

(voice-over): "Osama was hit by a Mr. Softee® truck. A message from the National Dairy Council."

••• Congressman Kevin Yoder (R-KS) skinny dipped in the Sea of Galilee last year, putting the junk in junket. / "Misbehaving Politicians: A Look Back" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Congressman Kevin Yoder. Congressman Anthony Wiener. Congressman Chris Lee. Senator Larry Craig. Congressman Eric Massa."

(Massa): "Now they're sayin' I groped a male staffer. Yeah, I did! Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe, and then four guys jumped on top of me!"

(voice-over): " 'Misbehaving Politicians: A Look Back' is brought to you by Fluffo®."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Drought Fun Tip" ••• desk chat:
  1. In response to an audience guy's question that was never explained, Dave produces a bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial® tequila. He tosses the contents of his Late Show mug over his shoulder, and pours himself some of the new beverage. Dave ignores the poured drink and drinks from the bottle. Whoops! Instead of the usual replaced booze, standard for every cooking segment, this time it's real. We're not quite sure why the untampered seal on the bottle wasn't a clue, as the home viewers heard it tear. Dave starts questioning staffers onstage. He says, "I thought we had the phony bottle!" Bill Scheft plays dumb. Pat Farmer says, "That's why you couldn't open it." Dave says, "Whoa! I haven't had anything to drink since 1984. Well, I thought it would be... what is it usually?" "Apple juice," Pat replies. Dave says, "That's what I thought it was gonna be! It's not apple juice at all! I'm a raging alcoholic! I'm gonna hafta start going to meetings again!" Looking out to the audience, Dave says, "Thanks a lot, Jorge!" Bill Scheft says, "That's why you couldn't open it." Dave says, "I just pray to God we haven't lit the fuse again." Paul says, "Hang on. Fasten your seat belts."

  2. outside cam to Broadway: It's Melody Cooke and her skateboarding goat, Happie. They're from Ft. Myers, Florida. Melody is beginning at the Wharton Business School at the University of Pennsylvania. We'll come back to them. (The spelling of Happie's name was shamelessly stolen from the Wahoo Gazette.)
••• Ten U. S. Air Force personnel present the Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready to Join the Air Force: 1st Lt. Maggie Rudolfi, Senior Airman Lesley Toussaint, Tech Sgt. Andrea Knutson, Master Sgt. Chuck Kramer, Tech Sgt. Josh Haney, 1st Lt. Agnes Leam, Chief Master Sgt. Juan Claudio, Lt. Col. Bonnie Bossler, Master Sgt. Dusty Lee, Col. Marcus Johnson / #2: "You giggle every time you say, 'Cockpit.' " ••• Bill Hader plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• outside cam to Melody and Happie / Weather Report: 82° F, 39% humidity, 30.06" (steady), wind 2 MPH, visibility 10 miles / Happie will have nothing to do with the skateboard. We'll try later. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• outside cam: It's more of same with Happie. He is not getting near the skateboard. ••• Mary-Louise Parker isn't ready when Dave calls her out. Now, there's a first! What up, Biff? ••• outside cam: Happie is not getting on that skateboard. ••• Mary-Louise Parker plugs Weeds. ••• The Walkmen sing. ••• last shot of Happie and Melody ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's in Japan. / Neil Jason is sitting in this week.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

8/22/12 [3716]: monologue: For no known reason, Dave offers a best man toast to Doug and Linda. ••• The Republican convention is scheduled for Florida next week. Naturally, a hurricane is on its way. / video:

(clip): hurricane winds

(voice-over): "A potential hurricane is heading for Florida. Forecasters warn it could disrupt the Republican Convention in Tampa; however, there's no cause for alarm. According to Republican Todd Akin, Florida rarely suffers damage from a legitimate hurricane."

(Akin photo over a waving flag)

(voice-over): "Representative Todd Akin. Science is fun!"

••• "Nobody Cares" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(Congressman Todd Akin, R-MO, on Good Morning America): "Well, first of all, let me say..."

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and free chest x-ray ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave Dorsett's back on camera one tonight!

  2. Dave's been struggling with his relationship with Donald Trump. In May 2011, Dave suggested on-air that Donald Trump might be considered a racist for his insistence on seeing Barack Obama's birth certificate. Maybe he's not a racist. Maybe he's just a guy who periodically says stupid things to get people's attention. Paul says, "The bottom line is, he doesn't do the show anymore." Dave would like big, dopey, puffy Donald Trump on the show during the campaign. Dave then immediately makes fun of Trump's hair. Dave says, "He's not a racist. He's just a dope."

  3. Dave asks Nancy Agostini if Mitt Romney is going to be on. She reports that they're working on it. He also wonders if Joe "Blooper" Biden will be on.
••• The Republicans have put together a template for how their people should behave after being caught doing something ridiculous. / video:
(graphic): GOP logo over an animated waving flag

(female voice-over): "We here at the Republican National Committee offer heartfelt apologies to the good people of..."

(black graphic and male voice-over): "[NAME OF STATE HERE]"

(female voice-over): "... for the behavior of..."

(black graphic and male voice-over): "[NAME OF CONGRESSPERSON HERE]"

(female voice-over): "We were appalled that the Congressperson offended people who are..."

(black graphic and male voice-over): "[GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, RACE OR RELIGION HERE]"

(female voice-over): "with his..."

(black graphic and male voice-over): "[INSENSITIVE REMARK, SUSPECT BEHAVIOR IN PUBLIC RESTROOM]"

(black graphic and male voice-over): "[NAKED FROLICKING OR GENERAL GRAB-ASS HERE]"

(female voice-over): "This message from the Republican National Committee was paid for by..."


••• bumper: that thing on Donald Trump's head, blowing in the wind ••• Top Ten Signs Your Congressman Is an Idiot ••• Rachel Maddow ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Serena Williams ••• Elle King sings, in her network television debut. Dave invites her back. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's in Japan. / Neil Jason is sitting in on bass.] ••• [Frank Greene is sitting in on trumpet.]

8/23/12 [3717]: tardy report: Tony Mendez once again slips in just under the wire. ••• Republicans are criticizing Obama for capitalizing on the extermination of Osama. Here's a Republican ad on their position. / video:

(clip): the president addressing the nation

(voice-over): "What Barack Obama wants you to believe: He coordinated a top-secret, precision assault that took out America's most-hated enemy. What really happened:"

(desert photo / animation): Osama bin Laden, standing on the sandy terrain, is killed by a single monster kick from a kangaroo.

(FX): boinnng!

(voice-over): "Osama was killed while playing with his pet kangaroo, Ernie."

(Columbus Zoo graphic)

(voice-over): "A message from the Columbus Zoo."

••• It's the first of several audience shout outs for an Australian lady who worked at a summer camp in Maine. ••• It's Day Three of the Congressman Todd Akin Apology Tour. / monologue: "And today, Akin (R-MO) was named the Democratic Party's Employee of the Month." ••• As a result of Akin's boneheaded, insensitive remark, the Republican Party has set down some guidelines for candidates. / video:
(clip): the United States Capitol at night

(voice-over): "In light of recent inappropriate behavior by Republican Congressman Todd Akin and Kevin Yoder, the Republican National Committee kindly requests that from now until election day, our members refrain from the following: naked swimming, naked texting, naked wrestling... pretty much anything naked, fondling, groping, touching, tickling, "snorkling" and making offensive remarks about women. A message from the Republican National Committee."

••• "The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke" / video:
(title graphic and romantic music)

(clip): the always-tubby Chris Christie

(voice-over): "Chris Christie is so not fat, when someone walks around him, it does not mean a year has passed. This has been 'The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "You know what I just realized? That party ice you buy at the supermarket? It's just frozen party water!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave continues to fuss about the Australian audience woman who's working at a summer camp in Maine, and why an American can't have that job. Dave could do that job standin' on his head!

  2. Dave has more on the Donald Trump situation. (I have his first appearance on Late Night as late 1987.) It was endless, easy fun to make fun of his hair. Since the day Dave called him a racist, Donald hasn't been back. He's too smart to be a racist. He had more to say, but now he can't remember the second point.
••• Weekend Late Show
(Dave): "Let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's happening on the Weekend Late Show. Kids, take it away."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Your show is always out of this world, but Saturday, we're going there, too. I recently visited a planetarium to learn about meteor showers, and to find out why August is the best time to see them. And speaking of stars, this weekend is Elvis Costello's birthday, and our own Wink Wilson has a fascinating look at the history of all the celebrities named Elvis. And, since August is the only month without a national holiday, we asked you, our viewers, to suggest one. Well, from over 100 submissions, we've selected our winner. You'll have to tune in to find out who. All that, plus designer key rings, tattoo removal, and which appliance in your home is a time bomb waiting to go off? Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Back to you, Dave."

(Bruce): never said a word

(Dave, applauding): "Bruce and Linda. Nice job, kids! I think Bruce had his jaw wired shut."

(Paul): "Is that what happened?"

(Dave): "I don't know what happened. They're great. I love the Weekend Late Show."

••• desk chat:
  1. Dave and Paul continue the Donald Trump discussion. Paul wants to know if Dave's taking back the racist accusation from 2011. Dave sort of is taking it back, as he now says Donald's too smart to be a racist.

  2. Dave's a little dyspeptic. He suppresses a little burp. Too much root beer.

  3. Dave remembers that Donald came on the show and sang. Paul doesn't remember. Nancy Agostini can't remember.

  4. It's more on the Australian camp counselor.
••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying $300 Sneakers ••• Kathy Griffin plugs Kathy Griffin's Tired Hooker. ••• "Alan Kalter Takes You Inside"
In this episode, Alan takes us inside an air conditioner. Through the magic of green screens and control room trickery, Alan is instantly transported from his perch to the inner workings of the appliance, and the fireworks begin. There's shrieking, moaning and bleeding. The conditioner has become a biohazard before our eyes!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michael Somerville does stand-up. ••• Josh Turner sings. (Generally I hate country music with a passion, but this was the best non-CBSO musical performance on the show in many moons.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee is finishing up his Japan tour this week. Neil Jason has sat in all week.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

8/24/12: REPEAT FROM 2/06/12

8/27/12 [3718]: fashion report: Dave's tie is too short. One is reminded of a bib. ••• The Republicans are proceeding with their convention, amid threats of a hurricane. / "Live from Tampa" / video:

(broad shot of the convention site)

(PA sound check): "Check one, two, Kenyan. Kenyan. Socialist. One, two. Socialist Kenyan. Destroy America. One, two. One, two. Check."

••• What's CNN doing to kill time until the convention gets underway? / video:
(shot of the convention site)

(voice-over): "The convention's keynote address will be delivered by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Some Republicans were cool to the idea of giving Mr. Christie such a prominent slot, for fear he will overshadow Mr. Romney. Then again, good luck finding someone whose shadow isn't smaller than Chris Christie's."

(a la the Tonight Show): rim shot and Ed McMahon "Hey, oh."

(CNN graphic)

(voice-over): "CNN will return in a moment."

••• Lance Armstrong has given up defending charges that he often used performance-enhancing substances. / A tubby "Lance Armstrong" rides a bike around the stage to "Proud Mary." ••• Roger Clemens, now 50, has joined the Sugar Land Skeeters in Texas. / A tubby "Roger Clemens" rides a bike around the stage to "Proud Mary." ••• "Ann and Mitt Romney: Lies" / video:
(title graphic and music for royalty)

(Chris Wallace): "Do you go to the grocery store?"

(Mitt): "Yes."

(FX): "no" buzzer and LIE graphic

(Ann Romney): "I noticed he was doing laundry last night."

(FX): "no" buzzer and LIE graphic

(Ann Romney): "I think Mitt ironed his own shirt this morning."

(FX): "no" buzzer and LIE graphic

(Ann Romney): "We both love Costco."

(FX): "no" buzzer and LIE graphic

(Mitt): "? got me one of those three-packs of shirts the other day from Cosco, and they're very nice shirts."

(Ann): "Yeah! The Kirkland shirts... he's wearing them all the time now."

(FX): "no" buzzer and LIE graphic

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Summertime Thought": "Do professional arsonists get sick of everyone else just assuming they'll run the barbecue grill?" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave reveals when he heads downstairs before every show, he lobs a carrot at receptionist Art Kelly, who's gotten great at catching them with no warning. Today Dave let her rip, and hit an unsuspecting Kara — who was substituting for Art — right in the face. After a few minutes of apologizing, it begins to sound phony.
••• "Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention" / video: Andy jokes around about the upcoming locust plague that will follow the hurricane, then it's "Andy Kindler, Impressionist": a Nebraska delegate during Mitt's acceptance speech ••• Cecilia Jimenez of Borja, Spain, an 81-year-old amateur artist, took it upon herself to refresh a fresco of Jesus that was painted in the 1800s. BBC correspondent Christian Fraser described the result as "crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic." Dave calls it "Curious George." / Top Ten Fresco Restorer Excuses / #1: "It can't be that bad -- everyone who sees it says, 'Jesus Christ!' " ••• Jake Gyllenhaal plugs End of Watch. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sharon Osbourne plugs The Talk, and reveals what Prince Harry said to her when she asked him to watch her bag while she went to the can. ••• Neon Trees sing. ••• [Will Lee's back from his tour in Japan.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

8/28/12 [3719]: Tonight's audience shout outs (several) are to two guys who work for Credit Suisse. They'll have a Top Ten entry, as well. This should pretty much put the wraps on their careers. ••• Much has been made of the near miss of hurricane Isaac during the Republican Convention. The Late Show thoughtfully provides a weather report for the Greater Tampa area: 72°, 50% humidity, visibility: 8 miles, white people: 98% ••• Here's the new Mitt Romney ad. / video:

(clip): Barack Obama speaking

(voice-over): "President Obama wants to increase spending on the nation's infrastructure. Is this a bad thing?"

(FX): NOT REALLY stamp

(voice-over): "Not really. But if I keep speaking... in... this... ominous... tone..."

(Obama's clip now black and white)

(voice-over): "...while the shot turns black and white, you'll think it is."

(Obama's clip's now switched to negative)

(Mitt Romney mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Now al Qaeda is running ads for suicide bombers. Here's one from the classified ads:




Al Qaeda suicide bombers needed

reply to box 9968

••• Dave mentions that Paul Ryan will be at the Republican Convention. / clip of screaming teen girls in the balcony ••• Also speaking at the convention will be former Secretary of Transportation Samuel Skinner. / clip of screaming geezers in the balcony ••• Governor Chris Christie, who ain't skinny, was the keynote speaker at the convention tonight. / clip: The governor puts the finishing touches on a sundae while he speaks. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave announces that either Thomas G. Stemberg or Leo Kahn, co-founders of Staples®, will speak at the Republican Convention. / clip of screaming teen girls in the balcony ••• "Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention" / split screen with Andy / Better put your root beer away. The Romneys are ready to party! ••• "Andy's Hard-Hitting Interview with Michele O'Bachmann" / video:

(title graphic)

(Andy): "Hi, Ms. Bachmann. I'm with David Letterman show. Do you have any comments?"

(Michele): "Yes. Hi, Dave. Hi, Dave! We watch you at night. Bye bye."

(Andy, to the viewers): "That's how you get a story. Suck on that, Chuck Todd!"

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Signs You're Not One of the Smartest People in the World ••• Amy Adams plugs The Master. We remember her from Cruel Intentions 2, as that naughty Kathryn Merteuil. ••• Head carpenter Harold Larkin and assistant bring in a green screen behind Dave, who does a promo for U. S. Open coverage on CBS. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Paul Teutul and Paul Teutul, Jr. plug American Chopper: The Series. ••• Hacienda sing ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

8/29/12 [3720]: Dave has a shout out to an audience guy who's a little tubby. His advice? Either lose the extra 100 pounds, or consider running for governor of New Jersey. ••• monologue: Dr. Phil's car was stolen. It's too bad, because he bought that car with money he earned exploiting kooks and crackpots. Dave asks that if we see this California tag: QUACK1, we call the authorities. Let's help Dr. Phil get his 1950s Chevrolet back! ••• Americans should learn more about the chairman of the Republican National Committee. / "Get to Know Reince Priebus" / video:

(title graphic and romantic movie music)

(photo of Mr. Priebus)

(voice-over): "Reince Priebus is the chairman of the Republican National Committee. He's a lawyer, and the former chairman of the Wisconsin Republican Party. He has four brothers,"

(photos of each)

(voice-over): "Roink, Rurch, Remp and Rift."

(new title graphic)

(voice-over): "Now You Know Reince Priebus."

••• In the Republican National Convention site, there is a U. S. National Debt Clock. / photo ••• There's also the Gov. Chris Christie Cholesterol Clock. / animation: We see the governor's cholesterol jump from 307 to 3,663 in nine seconds! I know we all hope that's the reading on his high-density lipoproteins. ••• The Republican Party has put together an ad meant for female voters. / video:
(photos): smiling groups of females

(voice-over): "The Republican Party wants to be the party of strong, confident, modern American women. We make this promise to you: If there's a Republican victory in November, every American woman will receive a new apron, vacuum cleaner, and a copy of the book by Representative Todd Akin, 101 Cool Things I Heard Your Body Can Do. The Republican Party: Back to the Future."

(animated graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention home viewers. As part of the security protocol, the Secret Service asks that you now frisk each other." ••• desk chat: Because the First Lady is in the building, audience members had to pass through a metal detector. Wand-type detectors were used, as needed. / video:
We see the outer lobby of the Ed Sullivan Theater, with people passing through the fixed detector, and actors posing as Secret Service agents. An "agent" with a wand checks out a female, while making a "boop, boop, boop" sound effect. That should keep her out of trouble! She passes. Writers' Researcher Tom Foster is up next. As the wand passes along Tom's right shin, the "agent" gives a fast-paced "beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep." Tom is promptly taken into custody. I guess the writers will have to fend for themselves for a while.
••• Top Ten Highlights of Past Conventions ••• Michelle Obama interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Michelle Obama ••• "A Message from the President of the United States" / video: It's an anniversary message from Barack, since tomorrow marks 19 years on CBS, pieced edited together word-by-word from actual speeches. ••• The Chevin sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

8/30/12 [3721]: 19th ANNIVERSARY ON CBS ••• As we know, both Dave and Paul were fired by NBC, and Dave was left in a basket on the doorstep of CBS back in '93. ••• Dave's only regret over the years? It's the on-air colonoscopy. Well, he doesn't regret it enough not to show it again tonight (at least the movie clip purporting to be Dave's procedure). ••• interruption: CBS Vice-President "Bob Steckler" shows up to congratulate Dave.

(Dave): "Hi, how are you?

(Bob): "Runnin' a little late... sorry."

(Dave): "Oh, that's OK."

(Bob): "I'm CBS Vice-President Bob Steckler..."

(Dave, shaking hands): "Oh, hi, Bob. Good to see you. Welcome to the show."

(Bob): "I met you at the clambake."

(Dave): "Clambake. That's right. Good. Yeah."

(Bob): "I just want to say, on behalf of the network, how excited we are about your 19th anniversary here..."

(Dave): "That's right. Thank you very much."

(Bob): "... at CBS,..."

(silence during thunderous applause from the audience)

(Bob): "... and it gives me great pleasure to announce... that we will definitely do something to celebrate your 20th anniversary."

(Dave): "Oh, wow! Oh... I can hardly wait!"

(Bob): "So, we'll talk to you next year, Tiger!"

(CBSO): CBS News theme song, I think

(Dave mutters): "What a weasel that guy is."

••• Photoshop fun: It's New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at the GOP convention podium, with a lobster bib. ••• "Who Says Republicans Aren't Fun?" /
(title graphic and rock 'n roll)

(clip): a Paul Ryan supporter with one of those cheesehead hats

(title graphic)

••• Because of hurricane / tropical storm Isaac, several planned events of the Republican Convention had to be canceled. / "Republican National Convention: Cancellations" / video:
(title graphic and Sousa march)

(voice-over): "Due to the shortened Republican National Convention, the following events had to be removed from the schedule."

(photo): smiling Caucasians

(voice-over): "A musical salute to white Anglo-Saxans,"

(FX): CANCELLED! stamp

(voice-over): "Congressman Todd Akin's face-to-face apology to each delegate,"

(FX): CANCELLED! stamp

(voice-over): "land and sea tours of Tampa Bay on the amphibious Reince Prie-Bus,"

(FX): CANCELLED! stamp

(voice-over): "adult swim lessons with Congressman Kevin Yoder,"

(FX): CANCELLED! stamp

(voice-over): "and Senator Rick Santorum's tribute to the convention catering staff."

(Santorum clip): "Their uniforms were crisp and stiff. They looked good."

(FX): CANCELLED! stamp

(waving flag FX and voice-over): "The Republican National Convention: You got Romney-fied!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention"
We go live to Andy via split screen. Andy wants to see his own birth certificate! Mitt Romney's such a straight shooter, he looks both ways, even if he's not crossing the street. We go to a clip of "Andy Kindler's Fun with Delegates."
(title graphic and R & B music)

(clip): two male delegates touching similar red ties

(FX): sparklies

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• It's time to preview the Weekend Late Show.
(Dave): "You know, before we go any farther with the program, let's check in now with Bruce and Linda, and (they're our friends from the Weekend Late Show)..."

(Paul): "Weekend Late Show."

(Dave): "... Weekend Late Show, and see what's coming up on this week's Weekend Late Show. Bruce, Linda..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Can you believe Labor Day weekend is already here? We have a special tribute planned for some people who have to work hard through the holiday: highway toll booth attendants."

(Bruce): "That job takes a toll on you! We're also wrapping up National Immunization Month. Linda and I will get our hepatitis booster shots."

(Linda): "Yup. Better safe than sorry. And, if you're out of ideas for your famly barbecue, over in the Cookery Nook, we'll show you some clever, two-ingredient recipes you can whip up on a moment's notice."

(Bruce): "All that, plus passing a polygraph test, unusually-shaped swimming pools and should you think twice before licking a stamp? Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Bruce and Linda, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Top Ten Things We at the Late Show Hoped to Accomplish by Our 19th Anniversary / #4: Have Alan Kalter neutered. ••• Bruce Willis plugs Looper.
Bruce always comes with material. He has a clip of his horse, Lunesta, doing that dressage prancing around that Dave's been so fascinated with. To top off his visit, Bruce treats us to a clip from the upcoming Twi-Hard: With a Vengeance. Yup. The tough, hardened John McClane is all broken up over Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson splitting up. (See it on YouTube.)
••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• The Heavy sing. Dave likes them so much, he calls for an encore, and he gets one. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

8/31/12: REPEAT FROM 8/14/12

9/03/12: REPEAT FROM 8/15/12

9/04/12 [3722]: Democratic Party fact checkers are combing over Paul Ryan's GOP Convention address. / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): Congressman Ryan's standing silently in front of a curtain. (He's probably listening to a question that has been edited out.) Eventually he says, "Well, you know..."

(title graphic)

••• President Obama's trailing slightly in the latest polls. Is the pressure getting to him? / video:
(Obama speaking this past weekend): "Out of work? Tough luck. You're on your own."

(clip): Audience members cheer wildly.

••• Michael Strahan, formerly of the New York Giants, has been named as Regis Philbin's replacement on Live!. This clip is going to go viral. / video:
(clip): Kelly Ripa on the set

(voice-over): "After months of searching, it's official!"

(Kelly): "We are honored to have him here. Michael Strahan!"

(clip): Michael runs onto the set. Confetti is released.

(voice-over): "Congratulations, Michael! And tomorrow, the search for Kelly's new co-host begins."

(clip): Regis Philbin is seen dragging a body bag through an office area. Cut to a shot from downstairs. Regis is seen unceremoniously depositing the black bag, presumably containing Mr. Strahan's corpse, into a dumpster.

(Regis, looking into the dumpster, says): "And you can tell the big man, 'Regis did this!' "

(voice-over): "Only on Live!."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Have you seen the rover's latest photos of Mars? What a dump!" ••• desk chat: Dave says he loved Clint Eastwood's appearance at the Republican National Convention last week. He says it reminded him of himself hosting the Academy Awards (in March 1995). ••• live: "Biff at the Democratic National Convention"
(title graphic)

Dave and Biff visit on split screen. Biff's a native of Durham, a three-hour drive from Charlotte. Biff has a bit of a rant about the people in the hotel room above him last night. It sounded like a boxing match. Biff says,

"They were really goin' at it for quite a while. You know, I assume that it wasn't sex, because it was goin' on too long."
Biff hasn't seen many celebrities, but he does have a tape. He spots some celebrity lookalikes, along with Geraldo Rivera.

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Questionable Claims by Paul Ryan ••• Claire Danes (who shares Dave's April 12 birthday) plugs Homeland. She's expecting an offspring soon. Claire first appeared on the Late Show on 7/18/95, at the age of 16. ••• Mitt Romney's people say Obama hasn't lived up to his promises, which brings us to "Barack Obama's Broken Campaign Promises." / video (rerun from 7/26/12, if you must know):
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "During the 2008 campaign, Barack Obama made the following promise:"

(Barack Obama): "I'll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece."

(FX): "boom" and red graphic overlay: PROMISE BROKEN!

(voice-over): "Shame on you, Mr. President."

(Mitt Romney, with fake mustache): "I'm Mitt Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dwyane Wade of the Miami Heat plugs his book, A Father First. ••• Bob Mould sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's back in Japan. Neil Jason is sitting in on bass.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/05/12 [3723]: The mayor of San Antonio, Julian Castro, spoke at the Democratic National Convention. His identical twin's name is Joaquin, which brings us to "The History of Political Twins." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "In 1951, Harry Truman took the summer off, and secretly left his twin brother, Larry Truman, in charge."

(doctored clip with Harry Truman, as Larry Truman, with Larry Fine hair): "... was running for re-election, and he told a story..."

(graphic): You Have Reached the End of This Comedy Piece

(voice-over): "You have reached the end of this comedy piece. Please rewind tape now."

••• There are hours to fill at a political convention. What's being covered at the Democratic Convention now? / video: It's the geezer with the bolo tie (Percy Danforth, says Mike McIntee), fooling with the gadget that makes the clicking sound. Where Shecky got this is beyond me, but we've seen him before. ••• There's a brand new campaign ad with Barack Obama. / video:
(voice-over): "Still voting for Mitt Romney? Have you considered this?"

(graphic): ROMNEY onscreen

(animation): ROMNEY becomes RMONEY.

(voice-over): "You can't spell Romney without money."

(voice-over 2): "Take that, rich boy!"

(clip of Barack Obama with goofy mustache): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message, because I believe we're all in this together."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Biff at the Democratic National Convention" / split screen live:
Dave asks Biff if anything's going on. "Nothin'," Biff says. Dave and Biff discuss barbecue. Then Biff has a videotaped report.

Biff talks to delegates with crazy hats. He talks to Shane from New Zealand. We see him with Nancy Pelosi, but don't hear them. Then Biff decides to interview people on an escalator about the electoral college. The interviews don't last long.

(graphic and Sousa march): "BIFF HENDERSON: PRESIDENTIAL EXPERT"

••• videotape: Michelle Obama presents the Top Ten Reasons to Watch the Democratic National Convention. ••• Emma Watson plugs The Perks of Being a Wallflower. She visits with Dave about her experiences in that wacky republic, Iceland. They have elves there... or so they think. ••• It's a remake of the split screen stunt with multiple correspondents: James Cosgrove, Linda Snow, Frank Ramirez, Alex Petry, Sarah Worth, Randall Hodges, Holly Johnson, Todd Berger, Sarah McNally and Roger Pearlman. Dave asks a question, and all 10 correspondents answer at once. (And we could have had an extra 35 seconds with Emma Watson instead!) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "New Fall Looks for Conjoined Twins" ••• Julie Chen plugs The Talk. ••• Matchbox 20 sing. They first appeared on the show on 7/16/97. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's back in Japan. Neil Jason is in on bass.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/06/12 [3724]: It's Fashion Week in New York City. / monologue:

"So here's a joke I like to tell during Fashion Week. A guy comes up to me... he comes running up to me, and he says, 'Excuse me. Just a moment.' And he starts with the... you know the tailor's chalk?" (Paul: "Yeah.") "And he starts marking on my inseam. And I said... (not right away)... But I said... I said, 'Excuse me, are you a tailor?' And he said, 'No, I'm just leaving you my number.' "
••• A restaurant in Minnesota has made a one-ton cheeseburger. Here's one for Mike McIntee's Odd Dave files: It's Dave mimicking operating a ketchup pump. (x2) Who cares about the calories? You get a tremendous aerobic workout. ••• Let's check in with the Democratic National Convention. / video:
(wide shot of the arena)

(PA announcer): "Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the Kenyan National Anthem."

(audience): boos

••• more ketchup pump ••• Clint Eastwood was a surprise guest speaker at the Republican National Convention. The Democrats have a surprise speaker, too. / video:
(C-SPAN): Mitt Romney clip with caption: "SURPRISE SPEAKER CLOSES CONVENTION"

(Mitt): "This isn't an easy decision. I hate to lose. Because I love America, I feel I now have to stand aside. Thank you so very much. I love ya. Thank you!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a plug for Alan's black-market flu shots in the lobby, after the show ••• "Biff at the Democratic National Convention" / live: Biff didn't do much today. The political process is working. Senator Patty Murray from Washington is speaking now. Dave calls for a shout out. Biff hollers, "Hey, Patty!" That's Biff's report. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, before we go any farther down the road, let's check in with Bruce and Linda now, and see what's coming up on this weekend's Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. I know you're having a lot of laughs tonight, but we have more in store for Saturday. Japanese comedian Hitoshi Matsumodo will join us, with a translator, to give us a taste of stand-up comedy from across the Pacific."

(Bruce): "Arigato. Hey, football season is finally here, and that means tailgate parties! Our love and relationship expert, Dee Dorsey, is going to introduce us to three different married couples who first met in stadium parking lots."

(Linda): "Well, that's so sweet. And with the kids going back to school, we'll kick off our Lunchbox Surprise series, featuring creative ideas for packing a lunch. Your little one will be the envy of the cafeteria."

(Bruce): "All that, plus electrifying a fence, motorhome rentals and does your supermarket have a hidden agenda? Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda. Does your supermarket have a hidden agenda? Maybe!"

••• Rod Akana, age 83, has just completed 63 years as a United Airlines flight attendant, landing him in the Guiness Book of World Records. Dave gives Nancy Agostini the impossible assignment of finding out exactly how many hours were served in those 63 years. / Top Ten Signs It's Time for a Flight Attendant to Retire ••• Howard Stern visits with Dave in three segments. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Howard Stern ••• Jason Aldean sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's in Japan. Neil Jason is sitting in.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/07/12: REPEAT FROM 8/29/12

9/10/12: REPEAT FROM 8/23/12

9/11/12: REPEAT FROM 7/17/12

9/12/12: REPEAT FROM 8/28/12

9/13/12: REPEAT FROM 8/27/12

9/14/12: REPEAT FROM 9/06/12

9/17/12 [3725]: Sports radio talk show host Mike Francesa fell asleep during an on-air interview a few days ago, which brings us to "Mike Francesa: I'd Like to Leave a Wake-up Call." / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(split screen): Francesa and Sweeny Murti of WFAN

(Murti): "...the late-season series have always been... you know... pretty good... pretty meaningful, and it's just not the case, finally, for the first time in a long time. You know, the only thing that you'll see, Mike..."

(Francesa falls asleep and wakes up during this endless sentence.)

(Murti): "...and to share that is part of this, Yankees have been..."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Dave's assisted care nurse (Jane Gabbert) appears during the monologue.
(Dave, smiling): "Hi, hi."

(Nurse): "Hello, Mr. Letterman."

(Dave): "Nice to see you. Welcome to the show."

(Nurse): "Thank you. We need to talk."

(Dave): "Oh, we do? Really? About what, for example?"

(Nurse): "Well, I've noticed lately you taking a lot of extra crackers from the cafeteria. Are you smuggling them back to your room? What are you doing?"

(Dave, amused): "You're wrong. I don't want to say you're lying, but you're wrong. I don't steal crackers. I know some people... I..."

(Nurse): "You know you're not allowed to have them in your room."

(Dave): "I know that!"

(Nurse, reaching into Dave's jacket pocket): "Excuse me."

(Dave): "What?"

(Nurse): starts finding crackers

(Dave): "Well, those aren't... those aren't mine. I was... I was holdin' those for a guy. Now..."

(Nurse, irritated): keeps harvesting more crackers from Dave's right pocket

(Nurse, smiling, turning to leave): "You've just made the worst mistake of your life."

(Dave): "Every... Hey, look. Everybody takes crackers. Give me a break!"

(Nurse): "Enough is enough."

(Dave, exasperated): "I thought assisted living would be the end of all my problems. Noooo."

(me): looks like Dave will be getting a lot more suppositories in the near future

••• "Who Cares" / video:
(title graphic and adventure movie music)

(Kim Kardashian on CNBC, with Maria Bartiromo)

(anchor): "What's your take on the economy right now?"

(Kim): "Well, you know, I think that..."

(title graphic)

••• Obama has a new campaign commercial. / video:
(Sousa): "Stars and Stripes Forever"

(voice-over): "The 2012 presidential race has come down to two men: Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. What separates these two men?"

(FX): whistle

(voice-over): "Obama's brewing his own beer!"

(clip): party scene

(voice-over): "Re-elect Barack Obama. He can't guarantee the economy will be fixed, but he can promise the smooth, rich flavor of White House Honey Ale®, at a price every American will love."

(Obama, with fake mustache): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message because I believe that we're all in this together."

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "Available at Liquor Mart®!"

••• desk chat:
  1. Gene and Brandi Szymanski have a new baby girl, Nora Leigh Szymanski, born on September 5. She's 8 lbs. 3 oz. and 21" tall. She's their second offspring, joining big brother Hudson. (I'm sure we'll be seeing Nora Leigh in "New Halloween Costumes" before we know it.)

  2. Congratulations to the Late Show softball team. On Monday they won the Performing Arts League championship in Central Park. Dave's the team owner.

  3. Dave wants to comment about being named an honoree for The Kennedy Center Honors in December. This is great for his family, who think he works at a Jiffy Lube® in Mexico. (Have they ever seen the show?) Dave credits the entire Late Show staff for their part in his selection. They wake him up when it's showtime. It's a tribute to them, and working for Dave is not exactly a day at the beach. Look at the stuff Dave's going to get. He's going to have to do a YouTube haul video, like the teenage girls.
    • dinner for two at Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House®
    • a year's supply of slacks from Sansabelt® slacks
    • a Barcalounger®, the all-purpose recliner
    • a Craftmatic® adjustable bed
    • Duraclad® spray-on truck bed liner
    • Skoal®
    • an adjustable "Honoree" cap
    • a case of Minwax®
    • a Hoover® vacuum cleaner
    • a Westinghouse® ceiling fan
    • a new car
      (Alan, with game show organ music by Paul): "Not just any car, Dave. It's a brand new Ford Fusion™. The 2013 Ford Fusion will be the most fuel-efficient mid-size sedan. It's more than a new car model, it's a new model for cars, with features like Hybrid Technology, Autostart and Stop, Lane-Keeping System, Active Park Assist and Voice-Activated Sync®, the Ford Fusion is the green choice for our modern world! The 2013 Ford Fusion! Now, back to you, Dave."

  4. Who are the other honorees? (Cue cussing clips of Ernie Anastos, Rick Santorum and Sue Simmons.)
••• A new monkey species, Cercopithecus lomamiensis, has just been discovered in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. (It is blue-buttocked, by the way.) This brings us to the Top Ten Characteristics of the Newly Discovered Monkey. (We also get to see the 2008 clip of Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing.) ••• Joseph Gordon-Levitt plugs Looper. ••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" (featuring receptionist Art Kelly) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Mindy Kaling plugs The Mindy Project. ••• Of Gentlemen and Cowards sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/18/12 [3726]: The president of the United States is in the house; therefore, so is the Secret Service. They're everywhere. No... seriously... everywhere. / video:

Talent researcher John Klarl enters a break room and opens the refrigerator. Sitting watchfully inside, presumably with the light off, is a dark-suited Secret Service agent, just in case.
••• There's controversy this week after video of Mitt Romney's candid comments at a fundraiser have emerged. / video:
(scene from a fundraising event)

(Mitt Romney, doing stand-up): "What's up, gangstas? It's the M-I-double-tizzle. I have no proof, but I have a feeling Canada is planning something. Isn't it time for a president who looks like a 1970s game show host? My new cologne is now available at Macy's. It's 'Mitt-stified.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. The last time Barack Obama was on, a very young (age four or five) Harry Letterman wanted Dave to bring his stuffed kitty to meet the president. Well, this morning Harry said he wants to know if the president remembers his kitty. Dave informed Harry that the president has more important things to worry about. "Well, just take it in, anyway," Harry said. Does Dave upset the president, or disappoint his kid? Dave produces the kitty, which he'll hand off to the president momentarily.
••• President Barack Obama, in a 37-minute interview ••• Act 5: the CBSO ••• more Barack Obama ••• [Frank Greene is in on trumpet.] ••• [Bashiri Johnson is in on drums, and David Rozenblatt is on timpani.] ••• [Band of Horses live webcast at 8 p.m. ET]

9/19/12 [3727]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a group from or near San Diego. ••• interruption: A gent in the audience registers a complaint about being frisked too enthusiastically before he was admitted. He points at a security man by an exit. There are two problems: 1) The man in question isn't employed by the show. 2) President Obama appeared last night. [In the process of writing this, I noticed that the guy planted in the audience had his identical twin brother seated in front of him.] ••• monologue:

(Dave): "Do you like ancient Biblical stuff?"

(Paul): "Ah. Who doesn't?"

(Dave): "Well, theologians have newly-uncovered ancient parchments, and they indicate the records recorded on these ancient par... parch... parchments... indicate... get ready for it... Jesus had a wife."

(audience lady): "Wow."

(Dave): " 'Wow' is right, ma'am. That's the exact response for that situation. 'Wow. Jesus had a wife. Wow.' Yes, her name was Kim. They met on christiansingles.com. And included on the parchments that were recently uncovered, his wife says, uh, that Jesus always felt cheated because Christmas and his birthday fell on the same day. She said that if one thing really got his goat, it was that! And then there was the time that somebody really got his goat. 'Where... where is the goat?' "

(Paul): plays "Where, Oh Where, Has My Little Dog Gone?" in response to the missing goat

(Dave): "The goat's been stolen, and Jesus said, 'Wow!' But his wife... and it's interesting, and I mean, nothing has changed in the history of mankind... nothing has changed. The parchments indicate that his wife was always saying things to him like, 'You want to perform a window... a miracle? You want to perform a miracle? Why don't you put in the storm windows?' "

The Romney campaign is struggling this week with concerns about a secretly-recorded speech in which he said he knew 47% of voters weren't voting for him anyway. / Here's his latest ad:
(voice-over): "Mitt Romney said at a recent fundraiser that he doesn't need to worry about 47% of the United States population. He also has a message for the remaining 53%. Mitt says, 'You, too, can kiss my ass.' "

(Mitt Romney mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave announces that he botched a monologue joke. (It's included above.) Immediately afterward, Nancy Agostini, at her lectern on the other side of the stage, could be heard moaning, "Ooooh." A shot of Nancy shows her hiding her face in embarrassment. Dave likens Nancy's reaction to a blown shot at a Rangers hockey game, repeating the "Ooooh," then "Ooooh, Gramps blew another one!" Paul chimes in with an impression of a Marv Albert Rangers play-by-play (or more likely, an "Albert Achievement Awards" voice-over), "Not... what he had in mind." (That was a good one, Paul!)

  2. Dave said he had a phone call yesterday with a guy who we all know (who he won't be naming), who said, "Mitt Romney makes Dan Quayle look like Aristotle."

  3. During Dave's previous topic, he was holding and waving around an alternate pair of glasses. He finally realizes how long he's been waving them around, and coins the new catch phrase, "Wear a pair, hold a pair."

  4. Mitt Romney was on Live with Kelly and Michael! yesterday morning, and said Dave doesn't like him because he's appeared on the Tonight show more often.

    Dave says Mitt can come on the show. "We'll get him in here and see how it goes." He follows with, "But I don't... I certainly don't hate Mitt because he's done... I mean been on Leno show more. I mean, why hate a guy who's suffered through that?"

••• Top Ten Mitt Romney Pet Peeves About Americans ••• desk chat: After commercial, Dave retells the aforementioned botched monologue joke.
(Dave): "The thing Jesus's wife used to say to Him, 'You want to perform a miracle, why don't you put in the storm windows?' " (Cut to a reaction shot of Nancy.) Then Dave says to Paul, "It ought to be 'take down the screens,' or 'put in the screens.' I think you leave the storm windows in place." He's not sure what they did in Biblical times."
••• Michael Strahan plugs Live! with Kelly and Michael. ••• desk chat: Dave and Bill Scheft have a discussion about how the storm windows joke was supposed to go. ••• interruption: Once again, Alan Kalter interrupts the proceedings. Cut to a shot of Alan, attired in a bathrobe, writing equations and notes on a glass, like Professor John Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Alan says, "I'm trying to figure out how in the     k you were named a Kennedy Center honoree." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Wear a pair. Hold a pair." ••• Arthur Meyer plugs Rob Burnett's movie, We Made This Movie, which premieres tomorrow. wemadethismovie.com ••• Band of Horses sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is in on trumpet.]

9/20/12 [3728]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Tina. ••• He was interviewed here on 9/18, and tonight he's in the CBS VIP seats in the balcony: President Barack Obama, ladies and gentlemen. ••• The iPhone 5 boasts a new battery. Reviewers are saying it's like the one in Dick Cheney's heart. / animation: the "desktop computer in Dick Cheney's chest" gag ••• "Great Moments on the Campaign Trail" / video:

(title graphic and Academy Awards-type music)

(Ronald Reagan, 1980): "For those who've abandoned hope, we'll restore hope, and we'll welcome them into a great national crusade to make America great again."

(Bill Clinton, 1992): "Let it be our cause, to see that child grow up strong and secure, braced by her challenges, but never struggling alone."

(Mitt Romney, 2012): "I think it's a, uh, uh, uh, a... uh..."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave reports that he's an easy-going guy, a people person whose motto is 'live and let live.' During lunch hour, Dave likes to take his little ham sandwich, go to a crowded thoroughfare in Manhattan, and people watch. After all, we're all carbon-based life forms. Let's enjoy the energy we generate, and share with one another. Dave's upset with Mitt Romney. In case we're wondering, Dave wouldn't give Mitt's troubles to a monkey on a rock. Mitt was secretly videotaped at a fundraiser in May, telling how "poor people get on his nerves." (Dave's paraphrasing, he says.) Mitt has been on Leno's show more often. Mitt's delusional if he thinks Dave hates him. Here's an analogy: "When George W. Bush was president for eight years, we didn't have to write a single joke. We loved George W. Bush, our cutest president." Dave says, "If we hated you, why do we keep begging you to be on the show?" In addition, they've asked Mitt's little buddy, Gilligan, to be on, too. Dave doesn't hate a man who has gone through the suffering of appearing on Leno's show.
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Bruce... Linda... take it away. Here they are."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Autumn begins this weekend, and with parties moving indoors, we'll go into the Weekend Workshop to make drink coasters."

(Bruce): "You make the coasters. I'll make the drinks! We'll also have a performance from the Johnstown Jug Band, the oldest jug band in the Tri-State Area."

(Linda): "And, with a new fall television season about to begin, we'll talk by phone with sound mixer for the hit series, Blue Bloods, about working with Tom Selleck on their third season."

(Bruce): "I wonder if he's known him since Magnum."

(Linda): "We'll have to wait and see!"

(Bruce): "Hmm. All that, plus customizing a crossbow, hard vs. soft cheese, and 'When is a podiatrist going too far?' Saturday, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): " 'When is a podiatrist going too far?' Thank you, Bruce and Linda."

••• [On Sept. 15, according to a story in the New York Daily News, a couple had a long session of sex during a Yankees / Tampa Bay game. Every news outlet is having fun with puns as they report the incident.] / Top Ten Other Suggestive Baseball Phrases ••• Nathan Lane plugs his TV show, The Good Wife. ••• on the phone: Jesus
(Dave): "Hello."

(Jesus): "Yello."

(Dave): "Hi, Jesus. This is Dave Letterman. How are you?"

(Jesus, hollering): "D Train in the house! Whoo wooo! What's up, you crazy bastard?"

(Dave): "Well, thanks for asking, but not much, really."

(Jesus): "Hey, nice going on The Kennedy Center Honors. Even I couldn't make that miracle happen!"

(Dave): "Now, wait a minute... Now, uh, Jesus, I don't want to take up too much of your time, but I wanted to ask you something. Uh, they found this papyrus record that indicates you might have been married. Now, I'd never heard that before. Is it true? Were you married?"

(Jesus): "Yes, Dave. It's true."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jesus): "Two thousand years ago, I married the love of my life, my soul mate, and my best friend."

(Dave): "Wow! Well, that's... that's wonderful, Jesus..."


(Mrs. Jesus, irritated): "Hey, Jesus, I thought your friends weren't going to call the house after 10 P.M. Get off the phone, and finish cleaning the garage!"

(Dave): "Well, now, Jesus, it sounds like maybe I got you at a bad time, so I'll check with you real soon, OK?"

(Jesus): "Hey, take the Chargers... minus 1½. It's my Lock of the Week!"

(Dave): "OK."

(FX): dial tone

(Dave): "Thank you. Will do, Jesus. Wow! I hope... how about that? I think we were lucky to... lucky to catch him at home. Yeah. I hope he gets those storm windows in."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave hopes he gets some coverage from the Jesus booking. ••• Ryan Hunter-Reay, 2012 Indy Series champ ••• The Killers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.] ••• [The premiere of executive producer Rob Burnett's movie, We Made This Movie, was held in New York tonight.]

9/21/12: REPEAT FROM 8/30/12

9/24/12 [3729]: Tonight's audience shout out is to two guys seated near the front, in ridiculous plaid shirts. One of them will be surprised with a fake book title in "New Books." ••• interruption: Pat Farmer comes out. /

(Dave): "Oh, my gosh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Pat Farmer. Hi, Pat. One of our stagehands..."

(Pat): "How are you, Dave?"

(Dave): "I'm good. What's up, Pat?"

(Pat): "Dave, I didn't get a chance to watch the Emmys last night. How'd we do?"

(Dave, smiling sheepishly): "Well, uh, Pat, I'm sorry to say we did not win any Emmys. I'm so sorry, Pat."

(Pat): "Wow! That is embarrassing!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Pat): walks away

••• "Slow News Day" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(Sarah Verser of Fox News 6 of Birmingham): "Well, the curtain has fallen on the 36-year marriage of Tony Award winner Ben Vereen."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Dave and Tony Mendez take a few moments to get on the same page about the next joke. (Dave): "Tony, is there another card there? (Tony): "No." ••• Well, there were no Emmys for the Late Show. Even if there had been, Dave reports that his weekend schedule was jam-packed. There was no time to fly to California. / "What Dave Did Instead of Attending the Emmy Awards" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(scene): a dark office

(Biff Henderson opens the door. TV's David Letterman is seated within.)

(Dave): "Is it time for Monday's show?"

(Biff, quietly): "No, Dave. We'll call you."

(Biff sets a bottled beverage and a plate of food on the floor of the dark office.)

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "New Books"
  • The Internet in Print, July 2012 Edition

  • Making It Up as We Go, by the NFL replacement referees

  • Do-It-Yourself Novel

  • A History of Hair in Food

  • How to Stop Smoking, by Jacob Wuff, Ph.D.

  • How to Start Smoking, by Jacob Wuff, Ph.D.

  • Thirty Years of Mitt Romney's Tax Returns - Blurry Edition

  • Oscar Mayer: A Biography (The pages are lunch meats, ladies and gentlemen!)

  • F.D.R.: A Biography (the life of Frederick Dwayne Rosenblatt)

  • Wrap It Up, Chief (by The Guy in the Third Row) (one of the plaid shirt guys)
••• Top Ten Least Popular Snacks ••• Steve Martin plugs his DVD set, Steve Martin - The Television Stuff. Included in the set is "Dave and Steve's Gay Vacation," from the 10/02/98 Late Show. ••• Next we see a skit with Steve at home, ready for his morning cantaloupe, and reading the newpaper, when he screams in shock upon learning that Dave is on deck for The Kennedy Center Honors in December. ••• Steve, Mark Johnson and Emory Lester play a banjo number. It was absolutely outstanding, as usual. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's another visit from the world's wealthiest man, Carlos Slim ($69,000,000,000, to be exact).
(CBSO): Mexican music

(Carlos Slim, with English translation): "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you so much, Little Suzy. Hey, here's a good one. Guess who is the richest man in the world? Bill Gates? No, no, no. Warren Beatty? No, no, no. Hey, how about Cantinflas? No, no, no. Steve Garvey? No, no, no. It's a trick question, potatoes. It's me, Carlos Slim - ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, here's another good one. Who owns the New York Times? ME, Carlos Slim! boy howdy!! I called those pinheads. 'Hey,' I said, 'How about some hot Hollywood gossip? Let's Page 6 it up.' I have so much damn money. How much? Take a guess. Don't waste your time. Next time you're in Mexico, drop by for the best chimichangas in Mexico. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Don't waste your time on this one, either. You'll never find 'Hacienda Slim.' Ha ha ha ha ha. Good night, rendattos. this is Carlos Slim. Livin' low and ridin' high. Kiss my ass."

••• Gotye sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/25/12 [3730]: Announcing tonight, with his mellifluous voice, is TV's Michael Z. McIntee. ••• Dave begins tonight's proceedings by announcing he has a broken hip, moments after running across the stage. ••• in the balcony tonight: hooligans with diplomatic immunity ••• World leaders are gathered at the United Nations, and Dave has committed to reaching out to other lands. Tonight we reach out to Sweden, with "Something for Our Swedish Friends." /

(title graphic and Swedish National Anthem)

(A young man appears beside Dave, and delivers a message in Swedish.) (I'm of Swiss descent, and don't have a clue what the gent was saying.)

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Alan Kalter, wearing an NFL referee's uniform, walks across the stage behind Dave. [The #1 story in the nation today is replacement NFL referees, and a blown call that cost the Packers a win last night.]
(Dave): "Alan!"

(Alan): "Yeah?"

(Dave): "You're late!"

(Alan takes a seat at his perch): "I don't want to hear it. I had a       night last night."

••• Barack and Michelle Obama were on The View this morning. / "Red & White View" / video: nonstop chatter ••• Mitt Romney was giving a speech in Idaho, and trying to do stand-up comedy, which brings us to "Mitt Romney: That's Kind of a Joke." / video:
(title graphic)

(Mitt): "My dad used to tell us that one year they ate nothing but potatoes. That was when they lived in Idaho. Even later in life, my dad couldn't look a potato in the eye... and that's kind of a joke."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave asks Paul if his chair is too high. (It was just right.) He adjusts it, and for the rest of the act, he's sitting noticeably too low. (The stagehands lock up Dave's swivel chair immediately after taping, to prevent this sort of mishap. When I've sat at Dave's desk, I've always been on a metal folding chair.)

  2. That little weasel Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York, where he gave a speech at the United Nations. Guess what! He was good enough to put a Stupid Human Trick on tape during rehearsal. / video: He dribbles six basketballs at once.

  3. Dave has quite a discussion with Bill Scheft about the controversial call in the Green Bay Packers / Seattle Mariners game last night. The real NFL referees are on strike, and players' dads are refereeing. Bill doesn't blame the part-time refs, because real NFL guys in the booth didn't overturn the call.
••• Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Referee ••• Ryan Williams has rounded up a blockbuster set of Stupid Human Tricks. I thought Sarah Billington was responsible for these, but I stand corrected by Mike McIntee.
  1. Pete Moyer, a Hula Hotties teacher from Hillsboro, Illinois, does pull-ups while hula hooping. He eventually gets it.

  2. Mark Hayward and Jonathan Burns from Pittsburgh and Lancaster, Pennsylvania have a death-defying act: Jonathan has a mouthful of box matches, and Mark lights 'em with a swinging yo-yo (which I'm guessing had some kind of sandpaper on it). They nail it!

  3. Jonathan Fudge and Cory Watts from Tampa have a real classic: Cory somehow runs an uninflated balloon through a nostril and out of his mouth. The dynamic duo work together to inflate and tie the balloon, and eventually we've got a balloon poodle sticking out of Cory's face. To conclude the trick, they deflate the balloon, and Cory pulls it out of his nose. Booger City, ladies and gentlemen. Dave says, "I'm not shakin' anybody's hand."

••• Kaley Cuoco plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave gets "Roger Goodell" on the phone to discuss the replacement refs. ••• The Whigs sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/26/12 [3731]: [Monica Trombetta announces tonight.] ••• Dave says it's Yom Kippur, so we have no writers. ••• How about that memorial montage at the United Nations General Assembly? / video:

(graphic): "In Memoriam"

(Barbra Streisand): "Memories"

(clips): Muammar Qaddafi, Kim Jong-Il, Phyllis Diller (in a ridiculous blonde wig, of course) and Hosni Mubarak (Close Enough to Make the List)

••• "Something for Our Dutch Viewers" / video:
(title graphic and Dutch National Anthem)

A Dutch-speaking young man (whose shirt isn't tucked in) appears onstage and says who-knows-what.

(title graphic)

••• Mitt Romney recently released his latest tax return. / video:
(clips of Mitten)

(voice-over): "Last week, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney released his 2011 income taxes. And, after numerous requests, Mitt has also decided to release his tax forms from the last 20 years."

(clip): a split-second look at a table covered with forms

(voice-over): "There you go!"

(clip): Tony Orlando

(bogus Mitt voice-over): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Monica Trombetta with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave introduces Monica Trombetta and Todd Rundgren, who's sitting in for Paul.

  2. The American culture is starting to erode. We see an ad for Chia Obama and Chia Romney.
••• Top Ten Words That Almost Rhyme with "Mahmoud" ••• desk chat: The Late Show provides a bit of London fog (OK... CO2) in honor of our next guest. ••• British Prime Minister David Cameron, in a very interesting 20-minute interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jonny Lee Miller, another British citizen, plugs the premiere of Elementary, a Sherlock Holmes show. He met his prime minister backstage. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.] ••• [Mumford and Sons were bumped.]

9/27/12 [3732]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent in the audience who's wearing a robin's-egg blue shirt. ••• Dave's favorite target (besides Romney, Trump, GWB and Regis), Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is in town to lay his wisdom upon the United Nations. Look what happened last night. / video: [This joke went right over my head. It was a game show clip, with the ladies going wild over someone. Edit: Mike McIntee explained in today's Wahoo Gazette that it's Cee-Lo on The Voice. I don't get out much.] ••• After a bit of a delay, Mitt Romney released his 2011 tax return, and people are clamoring for more. Today Mitt's campaign had this response:

(clip): Mitt speaking on a campaign stop

(voice-over): "Good news, America! Mitt Romney recognizes that voters want additional information about the Republican nominee's past. So today, he's releasing his last 10 years of taxidermy."

(photos, with horror movie music): stuffed polar bear, stuffed duck, stuffed tiger, stuffed wolf, stuffed owl, stuffed fox

(Mitt Romney mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Here's something with Joe Scarborough of Morning Joe, "Sweet Jesus." / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(clip): Mitt on the campaign trail, in Vandalia, Ohio): "Wow! That's quite a guy, isn't it? Paul Ryan! Isn't that somethin'?:

(audience): "Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! (You get the idea.)

(Mitt): "Wait a second. Romney, Ryan. Romney, Ryan. Romney, Ryan. There we go! That's great! Thank you!"

(Joe, covering face with hands): "Oh... sweet Jesus!"

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. "I've been guaranteed now by our staff that at some time in the last 24 hours, every member of our studio audience has been naked."

  2. Polls are taken on everything. Dave picked the Zogby poll for an in-depth look tonight. Why? He likes saying Zogby. Here we go with "Late Show Looks at the Zogby Polls." /
    • Compared to 4 years ago, Americans are: 56% worse off, 44% better off, 100% fatter.
    • Voters don't believe: 48% that Barack Obama has the proper regard for capitalism, 97% that Mitt Romney shops at Costco.
    • Mitt Romney reminds voters of: 51% the rewards of hard work and entrepreneurship, 49% handsome actor George Hamilton
    • 49% believe Paul Ryan would make a good vice president, 60% believe Paul Ryan would make a good JC Penney underpants model
    • America's favorite Mitts: 14% Mitt Romney, 86% Mitt Jagger
    • 81% think our education system is lacking, 136% disagree
    • 50% love bacon, 50% really love bacon
    • Preferred way to combine both candidates' names: 42% like Rom-rack Mitt-bama, 58% like Bar-Mittzvah O'Romney
    • interruption: A promo for Blue Bloods takes over the screen. Dave gets about 15%. He whines, and Jerry gives him about 17%.
Jimmy Fallon plugs Guys with Kids. He's the executive producer. Jimmy has an amusing Tom Brokaw imitation. He and Dave compare notes on both working on Late Night on 6th floor in 30 Rock. Jimmy has quite a story about trying to hide from Bruce Jenner in 30 Rock after making fun of Bruce's plastic surgery, which he has had at least twice. Eventually, thanks to Tom Brokaw, Jimmy finds himself face-to-artificial face with his victim, and before long, Bruce puts the smack down on him. Jimmy concludes with a musical number.
••• Neil Young plugs his book, Waging Heavy Peace. He's doing a concert in Central Park to raise awareness of poverty and hunger. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Lupe Fiasco (and Guy Sebastian) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

9/28/12 [3733]: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Week in NYC" / video:

(clip of Mahmoud speaking)

(music): Bette Midler's "The Rose"

(Photoshop fun): Mahmoud outside Katz's Delicatessen, with The Naked Cowboy in Times Square, and smiling under the Late Show marquee

(title graphic)

••• A piece of papyrus found recently was thought to indicate that Jesus had a wife. It turns out the whole thing was a fake. First we see the text in question. On the flip side is a coupon for AutoZone®: 40% off all A/C inline filter kits. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. It's Geezer Night on the Late Show. Appearing tonight are Mr. David Letterman (age 65), Regis Philbin (age 81) and Tom Dreesen (age 70).

  2. Dave has more on Mitt Romney snubbing him. "We just make fun of everybody," Dave says, "and it just happens that Mitch is funnier than Obama." Dave's getting the idea that Mitt's yellow. How's he going to deal with the Chinese if he can't deal with Daddy? He has 39 days to show up. There's an open invitation. Dave verifies his position with Nancy Agostini. We're being told that Mitt's OK.
••• Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Should Appear on the Late Show / #1: John McCain once blew us off -- How'd that turn out? ••• Regis Lee Philbin has his usual spirited interview with Dave. The two geezers sparred for over 16 minutes. ••• Regis's segment concludes with a bogus clip of him addressing the United Nations. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Dreesen talks about Clint Eastwood, for a change, instead of Frank Sinatra. #progress! ••• Dwight Yoakam sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/01/12 [3734]: "Fox News What?" / video:

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

The madness begins with Brad Woodhouse of the DNC. Seconds later, the screen's divided into thirds. All three gents are talking over each other... just like The View.

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

••• Barack Obama says he's not going to have any zingers at the first debate on Oct. 3. Mitt Romney's not making that promise. Here's "Mitt Romney Zinger." / video:
(title graphic and wacky cartoon music)

(Ann Romney): "I'm thrilled to also let people know the other side of Mitt, which you might not all get to see."

(Mitt): On cue, he rotates 180°.

(title graphic and wacky cartoon music)

••• monologue:
"So a couple of weeks ago, we had President Obama on the show. He's running for the office. Thirty-three... 33 days 'til the election? Thirty-six. Thirty-six days 'til election. We have not heard from Mitt Romney and his people. They have an open invitation to be here. Thirty-six days remaining. He's gonna have to... if... you know, if you want to be in the White House, you gotta sit right over there and talk to me. I'm sorry. That's the way it works. So Mitt is on record as saying when he gets to be president, the first thing he will do is he will talk tough to China. He will put China in their place." (Dave points to the guest chair.) "Really? What about that? What about over there, Mitt? He can handle China, but he can't handle me. Really? Really, Mitt? By the way, I don't care. I think it would be great to have Mitt on the show. We have an open invitation. You can come on with Mrs. Mitt, and Mitty and the kids. But I don't have a dog in this fight. I'm a registered independent. Just... you gotta come on... you just... you just..." (now to the audience) "And listen, do me a favor. If he doesn't come on, don't vote for him. It's just that simple."
••• "Mitt Romney Zinger" / video:
(title graphic and wacky cartoon music)

(Mitt): "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me."

(title graphic and wacky cartoon music)

••• "Memorable Debate Comebacks" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(female voice-over): "Ronald Reagan, 1980."

(Ronald Reagan, to Jimmy Carter): "There you go again."

(female voice-over): "Lloyd Bentsen, 1988."

(Lloyd Bentsen, to Dan Quayle): "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

(female voice-over): "Abraham Lincoln, 1858."

(Honest Abe voice-over): "Mr. Douglas, I invite your lips to form a more perfect union with my ass."

(female voice-over): "Hope you enjoyed 'Memorable Debate Comebacks.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter wtih Big Show Highlights, and "Surprising Uses for Baking Soda" (a last-minute wedding present) ••• desk chat:
  1. It's the 30th anniversary of the 1982 release of The Weather Girls' performance of Paul Jabara's and Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men." Paul confirms that it's a gay anthem. Martha Wash and Izora Armstead recorded it, and tonight Martha Wash (and an entire production cast) will perform it onstage. The Weather Girls performed the song on Late Night with David Letterman on 1/12/83.

  2. Dave's working on a voters' guide; for example:
    • If you feel strongly about a candidate, feel free to vote more than once.

    • The voting booth on the far right may also be used as a bathroom.

    • In the event of a tie, the winning candidate will be chosen by height.

    • ... polling lever containing over 10,000 types of deadly bacteria...

    • You may also vote by shouting the name of your preferred candidate.
••• Top Ten Worst Politician Excuses ••• Stephen Colbert plugs his new book, America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't, and tells about mountain climbing (or was it hiking?). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Theresa Caputo, a medium, plugs her TLC show, Long Island Medium. ••• Martha Wash sings "It's Raining Men," with a stage full of back-up singers, acrobats and the CBS Orchestra. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/02/12 [3735]: [wardrobe malfunction: Dave's striped tie is way too short.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a man in the front row who Dave has designated as the bouncer. ••• "Genius Grant Rejects" / video:

(title graphic)

(We see assistant cue card technician Todd Seda in a workroom. He lays his head on the table and staples his tongue to it. Todd screams in agony.)

(graphic): "REJECTED"

(title graphic)

••• "Genius Grant Rejects" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): We see film coordinator Rick "Shecky" Scheckman in an office. His pants are down. He's very, very close to a fax machine.

(Shecky): "A little help here? Hello?"

(graphic): "REJECTED"

(title graphic)

••• monologue:
"I'll tell you something. It's less than 32 days or something before the election. Mitt Romney has not been on the show. We have asked Mitt Romney 100 times. We ask him daily, we call, we call his wife, we call the kids. We'll take his lovely wife. We'll take Mitt. We'll take 'em all. But they don't... they don't return our calls. They say they're not..." (audience reacts) "I know you're bein' snarky with me, but... if you're worryin' about comin' here, is that the guy you want in the Oval Office? Really? If you're worried about..." (Dave, as Mitt): "Aw, I'm afraid Dave will say somethin' about my hair gel." (Dave): "So, it comes down to this, ladies and gentlemen. Just do me a favor... and you don't owe me anything, by God. I'm here to entertain. I'm here to lighten your load. I'm here to put a smile on your face and a spring in your step, and it's so... But here, if you can do me one favor: Unless Mitty comes to be on the show... and we would love to have him. Don't mistake this. We would love to have Mitt sit right over there. But if he doesn't, don't vote for him. It's that easy!"
••• The United States Postal Service is losing 4 or 5 billion dollars a quarter, which brings us to "Postal Service Deliver It Yourself Program" / video:
(clip): postal workers sorting mail

(female voice-over): "These are exciting times at the U. S. Postal Service! Mail is now more fun than ever, with our new Deliver It Yourself Program. Whether your mail's going across town, or across the country, give it the personal touch by bringing it there yourself!"

(clip): man on airplane, with caption "sender pays for airfare"

(female voice-over): "Borrow a mail truck and a letter carrier uniform."

(clip): mail truck, with caption "sender pays for gas"

(photo): citizen in letter carrier uniform hands over the letter

(female voice-over): "You did it! You delivered your own mail... and saved the price of a stamp!"

(citizen, interrupted): "Wait a minute. You're tellin' me I just..."

(female voice-over): "The United States Postal Service: You Deliver For You. (Mailboxes are now trash cans.)"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm going rake shopping this weekend at Home Depot." ••• [Justin Bieber blew chow onstage two times in Glendale, Arizona on Sept. 29. He said he drank too much milk.] / Top Ten Things Overheard When Justin Bieber Urped / #4: "It's like The Exorcist, but with creepier music." ••• desk chat: Dave has more on his quest to get Mitt Romney in the guest chair this month. We have a demonstration about what Mitt's panel might be like. America's sweetheart, Jack Black, portrays Gov. Romney. Jack does an excellent job of reading his cue cards... just like on Saturday Night Live. Before he's done, Jack takes the liberty of plugging the DVD of Bernie. ••• Martin Short, always an awesome guest, plugs Frankenweenie. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's time for Martin's traditional song. After pretending that he needed to think up something, Martin suddenly produces his long lost (black) brothers, Manny and Morty, for a musical number about the presidential election. ••• Kat Dennings plugs Two Broke Girls. ••• with credits: Shecky and his fax machine troubles ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/03/12 [3736]: Everyone in tonight's audience is going home with a brand new car! ••• Several NFL teams have new uniforms. Players are complaining that they make 'em look fat. An intern went out and got a picture of Tim Tebow in his street clothes. All is well. Then we see Tim in the new Jets uniform. Man... he looks for all the world like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. ••• American Airlines has a bunch of Boeing 757s with passenger seat assemblies that recently came loose. Here's their explanation. / video:

(clip of an American jumbo jet taxiing)

(voice-over): "American Airlines apologizes to those customers adversely affected by detached passenger seats; however, this is simply a result of our updated service charges. In addition to baggage and extra legroom costs, supplemental fees apply for seats that are securely attached to the plane. There's a small charge for seats secured with Velcro®... a larger fee for actual bolts."

(graphic): American Airlines logo

(voice-over): "American Airlines: Your Big Box Air Travel Shop™."

••• Spanish-language network Telemundo has a big audience for the U. S. presidential debates. Here's a promo in Spanish:
(clips of the candidates)

(voice-over): "Il Presidente Obama. Ex Gobernator Mitch Romney."

OK... I don't know what else is being said, but we see clips of bad television: professional wrestling, a dancing puppet, soap operas, females in a slap fight, "who's your daddy" shows, body builders, police, a flashdancer, etc.

(photo): Craig Ferguson beside his show logo

(voice-over, in English): "Then catch Craig."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?" / "Your knee will bend the other way if you push it hard enough. Try it!" ••• Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Debate Moderator ••• Tina Fey plugs 30 Rock. She's always a cool and engaging guest. ••• Rick Santorum plugs his book, American Patriots. He and Dave had an interesting and respectful discussion on a variety of subjects. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Senator Santorum ••• LP sing(s). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/04/12 [3737]: "Highlights from Last Night's Presidential Debate" / video:

Jim Lehrer gets things underway.

(edits): lots of lip smacking

(Jim Lehrer): "Thank you, Governor. Thank you, Mr. President."

••• Body language is everything in debates. What was President Obama doing? / clip: Obama's looking at a TV show on his iPhone. ••• The Democratic Party ran a commercial immediately after the debate last night. / video: It's an ad for the antidepressant Cymbalta®. ••• "Jim Lehrer: Tough Gig" / video: Mitt Romney was confident and on the offensive last night. We see the candidates talking over the moderator, thanks to a bunch of editing. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's not a fan of long, drawn out campaigns. He asks Paul why we didn't just do all this two years ago, so we didn't have to put up with all the nonsense.

  2. Mitt Romney was on fire last night. Dave's staff have been begging him to be on the show. Now what happens if he shows up? Dave's scared silly thinking about it.

  3. Dave got a call from Murray Sugarman (hmm... sounds Jewish), who runs the Mormon church, because Dave referred to Mitt as "yellow" for not coming on the show. Murray warned Dave, "The last thing you want is a bunch of Mormons mad at you." It's unknown why he called Dave "Snowboy."
••• Top Ten President Obama Excuses ••• In his quest to book Mitt Romney for the show, Dave brings on yet another actor to simulate how pleasant and enjoyable Mitt's appearance would be. Ferris Bueller himself, Matthew Broderick, takes the guest chair. He's enlisted a bunch of Jewish writers to supply some zingers. Before his exit, Matthew plugs his Broadway play, Nice Work if You Can Get It, at the Imperial Theater, 245 W. 45th St. ••• Craig Ferguson plugs his show, one night only at Radio City Music Hall on October 6. ••• desk chat: Dave got a call from the head of PBS, Murray Sugarman. He's steamed about Mitt Romney threatening to cut funding for PBS. Murray sent a tape. It's the Cookie Monster. (OK... all we see are two hands, in kind of a little puppet show.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The lovely Anna Kendrick plugs her movie, Pitch Perfect, opening tomorrow.
Pitch Perfect is about college students who sing a cappella, including supplying any needed instrumental sounds. Dave hands Anna a red Solo™ cup, and with her hands and the cup (left over from a staff drug test) as an instrument, she delivers an amazing performance, and the audience gives her a standing ovation! She learned how to do it by watching a viral video on reddit.com, and hours and hours of practice. (See it on YouTube.) Then have a look at the trailers. Finally, how about Anna's amazing outfit?
••• The Raveonettes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.] ••• [The Wallflowers live webcast @ 9 ET]

10/05/12 [3738]: [Running gag: We'll see a clip of Jim Lehrer, moderator of the presidential debate on Oct. 3, saying "Thank you and good night" about seven times tonight, so set your VCR.] ••• Early voting is popular these days. We go to CBS News Election Headquarters for updates:

(title graphic and Freeplay music: "Breaking Now")

(voice-over): "CBS News has early results from states allowing early voting. At this time President Barack Obama is leading challenger Mitt Romney, 51% to 49%. Early voting in the 2016 presidential election has Hillary Clinton ahead of Rick Santorum, 53% to 47%. And in the 2020 presidential election, Commisar Zhang Yuan leads Commisar Wu Ping, 52% to 48%."

(graphic): a Moon Bitch astronaut

(voice-over): "We now return you to Moon Bitch."

••• Jim Lehrer x 2 ••• Looper is Bruce Willis's new movie about time travel. / video:
(clips): scientists in labs

(voice-over): "If time travel was possible, wouldn't someone have come back from the future to stop this?"

(clip): Honey Boo Boo (with a cheapie tiara flopped down over her eyes) says, "I'm gonna do the Rock Star Pageant, and I'm gonna get ready."

(voice-over): "This has been a message from a scientist."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Dakota of the Week": North Dakota ••• "Results of the Latest Zogby Poll" / Cookie? 100% said, "Yes, please." / Jim Lehrer ••• Top Ten Other Things You Don't Expect to Hear from a Professional Football Player ••• Jim Lehrer •••
Billy Crystal plugs Parental Guidance, which opens in December. Billy's a great guest, with fun stories. He goes back to the early days of his marriage to recall a few days as a Saint Bernard owner. Billy recently attended a screening at Lincoln Center observing the 25th anniversary of the release of The Princess Bride. He has Andre the Giant stories, too. Hoping to help Dave with his quest to book Mitt Romney, Billy has a picture of Mitt with a cutout for lips, and he plays Mitt for a while.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bruce and Linda plug the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "You know, Ladies and gentlemen, we have a second. I forgot to do this earlier. Let's check in now with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy Columbus Day weekend. We have a very special treat on tomorrow's show, when the Schenectady Mask and Gown community theater troupe presents a re-enactment of Christopher Columbus arriving in the New World. They're performing the whole thing in our parking lot."

(Bruce): "Ahoy! It's also harvest season, and Don Swagle from the American Gourd Society will be here to judge your entries in our "Gourd That Resembles My Pet Contest."

(Linda): "Someone's going to win a gym membership and a three-month supply of pet food."

(Bruce): "There's some amazing entries!"

(Linda): "Now, is an iPhone out of your budget? Because in our Technology Spotlight this week, we're going to take a look at an alternative: walkie talkies!"

(Bruce): "10-4! All that, plus homemade chewing gum, donating blood plasma, and when is burning your trash the right thing to do? Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(CBS announcement): (We see three Emmy Awards overlaid on Dave's desk, along with the fall flowers.) "CBS congratulates Bruce and Linda on their three Emmy wins."

(Dave): "Three Emmys. Good for Bruce and Linda. I hate that show! I hate it. I hate that show! We'll be right back with The Wallflowers, everybody."

••• The Wallflowers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/08/12 [3739]: [Larry Graham, Jr. of Sly and the Family Stone is sitting in on guitar.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Carl. ••• "Checking in with Joe Theismann" / video:

(clip): Joe's seen covering a football game.

(Joe): "My prostate was givin' me fits!"

••• video: Jim Lehrer says, "Thank you and good night." ••• The vice-presidential debate is later this week, and Dave mentions Republican candidate Paul Ryan. / Girls in the balcony go nuts. (x2) ••• Dave has a little talk about Paul's giant sunglasses... the biggest he's ever worn, and wonders if he has some welding to do. ••• Mitt Romney had a big, big win in the debate last week. Some say he's getting too cocky now. / video: We see Mitt in various outfits, doing high-energy dancing or exercising. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Know Your Rights": "Any tools or instruments left inside you during surgery become yours to keep!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave introduces Larry Graham, The Funkmaster.

  2. Dave has a recap of his troubles with Donald Trump, and now Mitt Romney. His guts are on fire, because he's just trying to make friends. We all know Dave's our TV friend. You don't stay on the air very long if you irritate people (and Dave's come very, very close.) Anyway, did Dave call Donald a racist? Yup. Did he apologize? Yes. Nancy Agostini doesn't have any good news about Mitt Romney coming on. A couple of weeks ago, Dave said Mitt must be yellow. Two days ago, Dave said Mitt was a felon (because of his taxes). Well, that was a mistake, because Murray Sugarman, who runs the Mormon church, called Dave and demanded an apology for Mitt. Dave takes care of that. Mitt can even take a nap. Just come on. The Late Show's had felons on before: Martha Stewart and Rod Blagojevich.
••• Top Ten Lesser-Known Christopher Columbus Discoveries / #1: For live shipboard entertainment, you can't beat Regis. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has another blockbuster collection of critters.
  1. two Siberian tiger cubs
    One of the cubs goes to work gnawing on the cushion of the second guest chair, while its sibling dines on Dave's sheet of interview topics. Dave asks Jack if what they're doing is just horseplay, or if he's going to have to call a taxidermist.

  2. a huge, black bearcat, a.k.a. Binturong
    This is a wolverine. Dave wonders if it's really a New York City rat.

  3. a snow leopard named Dugan
    It's highly endangered, because a snow leopard coat recently brought about $80,000. One of their habitats is the Himalayas. It's OK, because it was born in captivity.

  4. a warthog named Vinny
    Jack says the warthog will spend about 60% of its life on its knees, feeding. Dave wonders why that is. "He's a hog," Jack replies.

  5. alligator
    Jack shows us all the gator's special features, such as dual eyelids, and a mouth with a waterproof flap at the back, so it can capture something underwater, without swallowing a bunch of water, too.

••• Act 5: Larry Graham with the CBSO ••• Max Greenfield plugs New Girl on Fox. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is in on trumpet.]

10/09/12 [3740]: [wardrobe malfunction]: Dave's tie is tied too short. ••• The Nobel Prize announcements are coming out this week, and we have the latest. / video:

(voice-over): "The Nobel committee prides itself in honoring the world's best in the following categories: physics, chemistry, medicine, literature and peace."

(clip): Lars Heikensten, chairman of the Nobel Foundation

(voice-over): "This year, we were so impressed by one other body of work, we are offering a special prize to 2 BROKE GIRL$ for this:

(Kat Dennings): "Are you having a heart attack?"

(Beth Behrs): "I'm peeing."

(graphic): WINNER!

(FX): "yes" bell

(voice-over): "The Nobel Committee: The Official Prize Committee of the National Football League."

••• Barack Obama didn't do well in the first presidential debate. Here's a response from the Democratic National Committee. / video:
(clip): Obama and Romney debating

(voice-over): "Hoping for a better outcome than the presidential debate, Obama is helping Biden prepare for the vice-presidential debate, by not helping Biden prepare for the vice-presidential debate."

(FX): Obama disappears from the clip.

(Barack Obama mustache clip): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message, because I believe we're all in this together."

••• Here's something from the DNC for Democrats who felt let down by the first debate. / video:
(Freeplay music: "Need to Know")

(FX): animated flag graphic

(voice-over): "Hey, pinkos! Feeling depressed by Obama's miserable failure at the first presidential debate? Cheer up by watching MSNBC's Debate Remix, where you can see Mitt Romney going head-to-head against video of Barack Obama from his 2008 campaign, when he wasn't phoning it in. That's tonight, after Chris Matthews' head explodes."

(FX): Chris Matthews' head explodes.

(voice-over): "Only on MSNBC."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave repeats his themes on the topic of getting Mitt Romney on the show. He doesn't help matters by claiming that Mitt had a couple of drinks before the first debate. He's begging Mitt to be on. Dave seems to want a close-up look at Mitt's wind tunnel-tested hair. Dave got himself a call from Murray Sugarman, head of the Mormon church, after saying mean things about Mitt, but he's apologized. If he wants to go to the White House - but not on the tour - he needs to march himself over to Broadway and be on the show. What if Mitt doesn't appear the Late Show? Have a look at this: / "A Glimpse of the Future" / video:
(eerie movie soundtrack)

(newspaper headlines):

  • "Obama Narrowly Wins Re-Election"

  • "Romney Loss Blamed on Failure to Appear on Letterman"

  • "Undecideds Went for Obama, Citing Romney's Letterman Absence"

  • "Letterman Called Deciding Factor in Election"

  • "Romney: I Should Have Visited Dave"

  • "Letterman: I Tried to Warn Mitt"

  • "Romney Joins Dancing with the Stars"

(title graphic)

••• Kevin James plugs Here Comes the Boom. ••• Chris Elliott plugs his new book, The Guy Under the Sheets: An Unauthorized Autobiography. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Chris, and a video with him and Gerard Mulligan, "Gay Pawn." ••• Miguel sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/10/12 [3741]: interruption: An unknown female comes onstage during the monologue for some salsa (?) dancing. ••• The Nobel Prize in Chemistry went to two Americans. Here's the award ceremony for the Nobel Prize in Physics. / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "The Nobel committee is pleased to award this year's Physics rize to Serge Haroche & David Wineland."


(voice-over continues): "The pair used quantum mechanics and Einstein's relativity to solve the paradox of Red Lobster's Endless Shrimp® promotion,"

(commercial clip): only $14.99

(voice-over): "...only existing for a limited time. The Nobel Foundation: When you're here, you're family."

••• Jim Lehrer: "Thank you and good night." ••• Telemundo debate coverage / video: lots of Spanish words / When Obama's speaking, the translator sounds distinguished. When Romney speaks, he sounds goofy. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Here we go again. Dave reports that he's extra jumpy tonight. If things don't improve rapidly, he may pretend to quit. It's all because he's failed to deliver Mitt Romney. "Time and time and time again, we've been rebuffed." The staff tried to get a phone call yesterday, and that didn't happen. It's time for rumination.

  2. Why won't Mitt and Mrs. Mitt and the boys, Johnny, Wingo and Hooter, come on? Dave has a list of possible (and, in fact, highly probable) reasons.

    • (clip): Mitt singing the "Mormon" National Anthem (in Norwegian)

    • (clip): Mitt speaking at a graduation / beating up on Todd Seda as he gives a graduation address

    • (clip): Mitt as wealthy tycoon Victor Newman on The Young and the Restless

    • (clip): Mitt as Chuck Woolery on Love Connection

    • (clip): Mitt Romney + a mustache = Wayne Newton

    • (clip): Mitt stripping while giving a campaign speech

    • (clip): Mitt dancing in a studio with a bunch of females, in a horse stable and in a bus

    • (This one's it for sure.): Mitt's doggie on the car roof

    What goes around comes around.

••• Top Ten Things Kids Would Like to Ask Mitt Romney ••• Salma Hayek Pinault plugs Here Comes the Boom. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nick Offerman plugs Parks and Recreation KISS sing. (I thought it would never end.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.] ••• [KISS live webcast at 8 ET]

10/11/12 [3742]: Tonight's audience shout outs (two or three of 'em) are to a gent from Kutztown, Pennsylvania. ••• monologue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. It's so nice to have you here. Welcome to the Late Show. Welcome to New York City, and remember, if you smell something, say something, for the love of God."
••• Now, this is a distinct privilege. With us tonight in the audience is the 2012 Nobel Prize winner in Physics, Dr. David J. Wineland. Dave recognizes him, and asks what he'll do with the prize money. Dr. Wineland says, "Well, I'll make a small contribution to my alma mater, the University of California at Berkeley, and then I'll spend the rest on whiskey and whores." ••• The vice-presidential debate aired tonight, which brings us to "Controversial Moments in Vice Presidential Debates." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "1992. James Stockdate appears out-of-touch."

(Admiral James Stockdale): "I didn't have my hearing aid turned on. Tell me again."

(voice-over): "1988. Lloyd Bentsen's retort to Dan Quayle."

(Bentsen): "Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy."

(voice-over): "1976. Walter Mondale shows up drunk."

(very drunk actor who's supposedly Mondale): "I'm honored to be standing here, and I rather imagine you're surprised that I am."

(voice-over with title graphic): "Thanks for watching 'Controversial Moments in Vice Presidential Debates.' "

••• Was Congressman Paul Ryan too cocky at the vice-presidential debate, (which supposedly happened earlier this evening, but of course occurred after the Late Show taped)? Here's tape of the event.
(PA announcer, with reverb, as Vice-President Biden enters): "Good evening, and welcome to the 2012 vice-presidential debate between Vice-President Joe Biden..."

(pro wrestling announcer, as the camera pans a large arena, with cameras flashing): "And the challenger, from Janesville, Wisconsin, coming in at six-foot-two and weighing 163 pounds, chairman of the House Budget Committee and vice-presidential candidate nominee, Paaaaul Ryan!"

(clip): muscle-bound man in ridiculous wrestling outfit, rock music, CO2 and light show

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and one last make-up check: "Yeah... lookin' good, Alan. Back after this." ••• desk chat: Tonight there's no complaining or begging for Mitt Romney to be a guest on the show, because we have him! Right here... on our stage... is tape of Mitt Romney presenting an entry from the Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like to Say to the American People on 12/19/11. Stay tuned for more. ••• desk chat:
Dave opines that in tonight's debate (which hasn't happened yet), Paul Ryan was like Jimmie Dodd. Now Dave's in a bit of a pickle. He has invoked Jimmie Dodd's name, but he can't remember who he is. Eventually it comes to him that Jimmie Dodd was the grown-up Mouseketeer and host of the 1950s version of the Mickey Mouse Club. "M I C. See you real soon. K E Y. Why? Because we like you!"
••• Dave has one of the weights workout pictures of Paul Ryan that are in this week's Time. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Paul Ryan's Mind at This Moment ••• Mitt Romney's TTL entry #2 ••• Lucy Liu plugs Elementary, new on CBS. ••• Mitt Romney's TTL entry #3 ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rob Corddry plugs Childrens Hospital. ••• Daughter sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/12/12 [3743]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Appleton, Wisconsin. ••• Our good fortune continues with another 2012 Nobel laureate. Robert J. Lefkowitz, Nobel Prize winner in Chemistry, takes a bow. After the show? It's back to the hotel for a cheeseburger and weed. ••• Dave shows one of Congressman Paul Ryan's workout photos from this week's Time. Naturally the Obama campaign wants to top that. / animation: It's Vice-President Joe Biden, butt nekkid, demonstrating his Tai Chi regimen. His junk is covered by a tiny blue dot, skillfully kept in position by the Secret Service, we presume. ••• interruption: Tony Mendez wonders if Dave saw Morning Joe today. Ben Affleck had nice things to say about Tony, and he has a clip. / video:

(Mike Barnicle, to Ben): "Tell us about Tony Mendez... about becoming Tony Mendez."

(Ben): "Tony Mendez is an amazing guy. I mean, he's an American hero. It was an honor to play him. He received the Intelligence Star from the Central Intelligence Agency. He's one of the 50 most-important agents in history."

(Dave, to Tony): "Now... that's... I see what you're doing. That's very cute. But... we all know that he's talkin' about the character in the movie, Argo, whose name, coincidentally, is the same as yours. It's not you. There's no way... even if you took a hot iron and poked it up his nose, there is no way that Ben Affleck would be talking about you on... anywhere. I'm sorry, but it's..."

(Tony): "No! It was me."

(Dave): "No."

(Tony): "It was me!"

(Dave): "No."

(Tony): "It was me!"

(Dave): "No."

(Tony): "Why can't you play along?"

(Dave): "It's not you."

(Tony): "OK. That's the end of the monologue."

(Dave): "What?"

(Tony): "I'm getting out of here."

(Tony): begins his usual rant in Spanish

(CBSO): plays Tony's theme

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Todd." (Seda)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and,
"OK. Here's what I've learned so far this fall: A dozen leaves is not enough of a pile to jump in. I'm on a lot of pain medication right now. True story, Melinda."
••• "Results of the Latest Zogby Poll" /
  • Do you believe the latest unemployment figures were fudged? 25% No, 22% It's quite possible, 53% Mmm, fudge.

  • Why do you vote? 99% It's the civic duty of every citizen in a democracy, 1% I like to stand in booths

  • If a movie were made about Barack Obama, who should play him? 27% Denzel Washington, 22% Jamie Foxx, 51% In a few months, Obama might have enough free time to play himself.

    interruption: Robert J. Lefkowitz forgot to mention that after the cheeseburger and weed, he's going to get laid.

  • What would you most like to see the next administration do? 35% Stop the government's reckless spending, 33% Stop Washington's tone of bitter divisiveness, 32% Stop those disgusting commercials where cartoon bears use toilet paper

  • What are you wearing right now? 100% I'm calling the police.

  • As senior citizens, are you nervous about cuts to Medicare? 35% Yes, 45% No, 20% My grandson doesn't visit anymore

  • Following last night's debate, Joe Biden will: 14% Embark on a nationwide bus tour, 23% Campaign with the President in key battleground states, 63% Be locked in the White House until the day after the election

  • Who are undecideds most likely to vote for? 50% Uhhhh..., 50% Errrr...

  • Will not appearing on Letterman hurt Romney's chances of winning the election? 14% Yes, 9% No, 77% Dave still has a show?
••• Top Ten Least-Successful Television Shows ••• John Goodman plugs Argo. ••• Back to Robert J. Lefkowitz: It seems that the Nobel people saw his comment about weed, and yanked his Nobel Prize. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jeff Altman has another great guest appearance, including stories about Johnny Carson, and a magic trick. ••• Jamey Johnson (with guest Alison Krauss) sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [We didn't hear from Bruce and Linda this Friday night.] ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.]

10/15/12: REPEAT FROM 9/25/12

10/16/12: REPEAT FROM 9/24/12

10/17/12: REPEAT FROM 10/01/12

10/18/12: REPEAT FROM 9/18/12

10/19/12: REPEAT FROM 10/03/12

10/22/12 [3744]: "Daredevil Names: Then and Now" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Daredevil names then."

(clip): Evel Knievel motorcycle jump

(voice-over): "Evel Knievel."

(Chyron): "Cool."

(FX): Late Show "Yes" bell

(voice-over): "Daredevil names now."

(clip): Felix Baumgartner beginning his jump from space

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Felix Baumgartner."

(Chyron): "Not as cool."

(FX): Late Show "No" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• Last week the Vatican announced that seven individuals have been canonized. / "The Sainthood Auditions" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): We see Pope Benedict XVI in a fancy chair, reviewing shirtless acrobats.

(title graphic)

••• We had the final presidential debate tonight. Each of the three debates has had a different format. / video:
(clips): debates

(voice-over): "The first presidential debate was a traditional format. The second debate was town hall-style. Tonight's debate is candidate's choice. Mitt Romney elected to debate hanging upside down, like a bat."

(Mitt clip, upside down): "My plan has five basic parts: One, get us energy-independent..."

(voice-over): "President Obama chose to debate while toning his abdominal muscles on a hula chair."

(Obama clip, on a hula chair): "...that says America does best when the middle class does best. And I'm lookin' forward to having that debate."

(voice-over): "The Commission on Presidential Debates: The Only Missing Ingredient is YOU!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Halloween Decorating Tip": "A few pumpkins, fake cobwebs, and paper skeletons will really spruce up your survivalist bunker!" ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave updates us on the quest to book Mitt. He says they've given up. Mitt doesn't want to come on because he's afraid of Dave.

  2. Dave wonders why he needs two pairs of glasses during his desk chat.

  3. Bill Clinton provided eight years of nothin' but fun, and the Late Show gave him all kinds of trouble, but he still came on.

  4. Dave reminds us of the death (or not) of Generalissimo Francisco Franco, a running joke on Saturday Night Live in the 1970s. Now we wonder about Fidel Castro. Dave: "We have a better chance of getting Fidel Castro on the show than Mitt Romney." / CNN video:
    (clip): Fidel

    (voice-over): "Over the weekend, Fidel Castro released this photo to prove he is alive. The following people also released photos to prove that they are still alive: Angela Lansbury, Dick Van Dyke, Carol Channing, Al Molinaro and Dave Letterman."

    (Photoshop fun): Dave in a funny straw hat

    (voice-over): "Gary Garrison, CNN."

••• Top Ten Signs You Know Nothing About Foreign Policy ••• Tom Hanks plugs Cloud Atlas. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Tom ••• Tony Bennett sings (with guest Juan Luis Guerra). ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene on trumpet]

10/23/12 [3745]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Lander, Wyoming. ••• In honor of Halloween, I guess, we're having a two-second clip of horror movie audience members scared out of their wits. First up was their reaction to the revelation that Dave will be singing a duet with Taylor Allison Swift tonight. ••• Yesterday's presidential debate was hosted by Lynn University in Boca Raton, Florida. You'll find a lot of retirees there. / video: A shirtless geezer wanders onstage during the proceedings. Whoever the old coot is, he sure has sporty suspenders. ••• The president came to the debate loaded with several zingers. Here's "Barack Obama's Debate Zingers." / video:

(title graphic and circus music)

(Barack): "You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1917. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets."

(FX): "Zinger!"

(Barack): "And the 1980s are now calling to ask for their foreign policy back!"

(FX): "Zinger!"

(ventriloquist dummy, like Howdy Doody): "Mitt Romney is so rich, he hired extra housekeepers just to launder his money!"

(FX): "Zinger!"

(title graphic and circus music)

••• horror movie audience again ••• interruption: Dave wants to know what Cue Card Expert Tony Mendez is saying to someone. "Just read the joke," Tony replies. ••• The candidates are trying to prove they're patriotic, and they always come in with American flag lapel pins. / doctored video: Romney and Obama have progressively larger lapel pins, until they crash to the floor. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Planetary Trivia" / Also, as the CBSO begins playing Chicago's "25 or 6 to 4," spoofing post-debate family gatherings onstage, various staffers and/or staffers' kids take turns shaking hands with Dave and each other. We see Sarah Billington, Kathy Mavrikakis and about a dozen others. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has the usual apology for not booking Mitten Romney. He has failed the vast North American viewing audience. Dave's taking this personally. What if Mitten's elected, and we find ourselves with a president who wouldn't talk to Dave?

  2. Survey quotes from undecided voters comprise the next segment. Speaking of undecided, Dave's not sure whether to even do the segment. He'll make quick work of it.

    • Katie C. from Cincinnati, Ohio: "I want a president who will... liven up debates with magic tricks."

    • Keith R. from Rapid City, South Dakota: "I want a president who will... detain people who say 'guac' instead of 'guacamole.' "

    • Marcia R. from Urbana, Illinois: "I want a president who will... tell the freight elevator guy at my office to stop being so creepy."

    • Bill L. from Manchester, New Hampshire: "I want a president who will... put George Clooney on the nickel."

    • Thomas T. from St. Louis, Missouri: "I want a president who will... explain to me what the hell happened in Looper."

    • Gary L. from Las Cruces, New Mexico: "I want a president who will... know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run."
••• Taylor Swift plugs her new CD, Red. ••• Rachel Maddow ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Taylor Swift sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Frank Greene is on trumpet.] ••• [Taylor Swift did an unannounced, 35-minute concert in the Ed Sullivan Theater after tonight's episode was taped.]

10/24/12 [3746]: The World Series is underway. It's the Detroit Tigers vs. the San Francisco Giants. Dave has a photo of Tigers manager Jim Leyland. / Dave: "He looks like a guy who would pump gas while he's smokin' a cigarette." ••• Fox has a promo. / video:


(voice-over): "The 108th World Series, between the Detroit Tigers and the San Francisco Giants, kicks off on Fox, with Triple Crown winner Miguel Cabrera, slugger Prince Fielder and ace Justin Verlander. Facing off against him: This guy, the Big Guy, Marco Something, The Guy with the Beard... and is Gaylord Perry still on the team? Followed by Ernie Anastos with news."

(Fox 5 WNYW clip)

(Ernie Anastos to Nick Gregory, the weatherman): "It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick."

(Nick): "I guess that's me."

(Ernie): "Keep      in' that chicken."

(voice-over): "Only on Fox."


••• "Donald Trump's Announcement That Will Change the Election" / video:
(title graphic and movie music)

(Donald, in his office): "Somebody just asked if they can get a free membership for my Trump International Golf Links in Scotland, and the answer is you don't need it, because it's called a daily fee or public course. You go to the course and you sign up. Probably you should call in, because it's pretty well-booked, and see if you can make a reservation."

(title graphic and movie music)

••• "Get to Know Your Third Party Candidates" / video:
(title graphic and peppy, patriotic music)

(voice-over): "Someone named Rocky,"

(clip): Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson

(voice-over): "the close-microphone talker,"

(clip): Green Party candidate Jill Stein: "The American people are at the breaking point."

(voice-over): "the crazy-voiced guy,"

(clip): Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode, with a ridiculous Southern accent: "More federally-subsidized student loans."

(voice-over): "and the pothead."

(clip): Republican New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson for the Libertarians: "Legalize marijuana now!"

(voice-over): "The Late Show hopes you'll make one of these people the leader of the free world. This has been 'Get to Know Your Third Party Candidates.' "

••• interruption: A balloon inadvertently pops. ••• "Donald Trump's Announcement That Will Change the Election" / video:
(title graphic and movie music)

(Donald, in his office): "Palm Beach International Airport: It's a total joke!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave brings out his five sons, Borg, Mott, Blip, Plonk* and Glub*, all dressed alike in khaki pants, as you might see after a presidential debate. They're five handsome sumbitches! ••• Top Ten Lame October Surprises ••• Bill O'Reilly plugs his best-selling book, Killing Kennedy. ••• Biff Henderson brings out a bunch of balloons for Bill. ••• more Bill, after commercial ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and Fire Alarm ••• Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi plugs Jersey Shore and puts me off my feed for about a month. ••• Dave's five sons come back out to hear the band. ••• The Lumineers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Obviously Frank Greene is now the regular trumpet player in the CBSO, so this is the last time I'm mentioning him.]

* spelling of Plonk and Glub shamelessly stolen from the Wahoo Gazette / I foolishly thought they were Blonk and Blub.


10/25/12 [3747]: Did you know there was a fourth presidential debate? Well, here's a clip from the Halloween Debate. / video: We see Mitt Romney wearing a Hulk mask. Obama, as Spidey, is listening intently, and moderator Bob Schieffer is made up as a kitty! ••• Have you gotten the Apple iPhone 5™ yet? And now, take a look at the ad for the Apple iPad Mini™. / video:

(graphics): Apple logo and an iPad photo

(voice-over): "Apple is pleased to announce the latest in cutting-edge technology: the iPad Mini™. It's the iPad you know and love... just smaller. And, in the coming weeks, look for the iPad Sparky™."

(clip): A young man backstage is putting his Sparky™ through the paces. Oh, dear! Flames shoot out the end of the contraption. The poor bastard screams in terror, and with good reason. Milliseconds later, he is vaporized.

(graphic): Apple logo above " F. W. WOOLWORTH CO. "

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Available at Woolworth!"

••• Here's a brand new segment: "Lies on the Campaign Trail." / video:
(title graphic and serious music)

(Chyron): "BARACK OBAMA"

(clip): Tonight Show

(Barack Obama, guest): "You are always funny, Jay."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Stay tuned for delicious desserts you can make with items found in your medicine cabinet." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's five sons appeared on last night's telecast for the first time. They wanted to see Donald Trump tonight, so they're back, and guess what! Dave has acquired a new son since yesterday. It's writer Joe Grossman!

  2. Steven Spielberg's Lincoln opens soon, and Dave's pal Tom Hanks is in it. / video:
(graphic): "April 14, 1985"

(Tom Hanks' character and Abraham Lincoln are seated next to each other in a theater balcony.)

(Tom): "Pretty good seats, huh? Yeah, I got these tickets just like, a half hour ago. Half price. Oh, man! There's my friend, Cyrus!" (hollering) "Cyrus! Hey! Cyrus!"

(Tom spills a tub of popcorn on Abe.)

(Tom): "Oh, no! Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. President. Oh, this must be, like, the worst thing that's ever happened to you in a theater balcony."

(music): "Take Us Out" from Rudy

(title graphic)

••• The show has a photo of Mitt Romney on the campaign trail, holding a baby. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Baby's Mind at This Moment ••• desk chat:
Dave has what must be his longest-ever introduction of a guest, as he recaps his recent feud with Donald Trump. 1. Dave acknowledges Donald for coming on his show, even though his show's on NBC. 2. Donald hasn't been on the Late Show in 1½ years, Dave says. (My episode logs say his last visit was 3/02/11.) 3. On 4/28/11, Dave mouthed off to his guest Dr. Phil that Donald must be a racist for wanting to see Obama's birth certificate. 4. Since that time, Dave has concluded that Donald's too smart to be a racist. 5. Now Dave pushes his luck by saying that Donald sometimes says stupid things just to see if his mouth works.
••• Donald Trump plugs The Apprentice, and he and Dave discuss some of the aforementioned topics. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Did You Know?": Arnold Palmer invented a beverage that's ½ lemonade and ½ iced tea. He is also an accomplished golfer. ••• desk chat: Very few have come back on the show after Dave has beaten them up. Donald Trump and Lebron James are in that small group. ••• Adam Levine of Maroon 5 ••• Carly Rae Jepsen sings. (I think she may be a one-hit wonder.) ••• Dave's sons come out to meet Carly Rae. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/26/12 [3748]: tardy report: Tony Mendez slips in after Dave's at his mark. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady in black and white stripes. ••• "Meet the Undecided Voter" / video:

(title graphic and goofy music)

(photo): cue card assistant Todd Seda as Todd Trimble

(voice-over): "Todd Trimble is a 26-year-old assistant manager at AutoZone, and he likes to snack on change."

(photo): Todd snacking on change

(voice-over): "This has been 'Meet the Undecided Voter.' "

(title graphic)

••• "What If They Don't Win?" / video:
(title graphic and music: "Endless Motion")

(clip): Barack Obama

(voice-over): "If Barack Obama is not re-elected, he'll return to Chicago to raise his family, take part in charitable endeavours and make speeches across the United States."

(clip): Mitt Romney laughing

(voice-over): "If Mitt Romney is not elected president, he will go back to pursuing his life's dream of becoming a James Bond villain."

(debate animation): Obama drops through a trap door as Mitten speaks.

(voice-over): "This has been 'What If They Don't Win?' "

(title graphic)

••• Pope Benedict XVI canonized seven individuals on October 21. One of them (supposedly), Jeffrey Tompkins from Massapequa, is with us in the audience.
(Dave): "Good to have you here. Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it. Am I right? You are from New Jersey? Am I correct about that?"

(Saint Jeffrey): "Massapequa, Long Island, actually."

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry. But anyway, it's great to have you with us. Thank you very much. And what are you going to do now, for heaven's sakes?"

(Saint Jeffrey): "Well, first I'll stop by St. Patrick's. Company business, you know?

(Dave): "Company business!"

(Saint Jeffrey): "Then I'm going to go back to the hotel, and get myself a cheeseburger and a whore."

(Dave): "What? What did he say?"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave loves Halloween, but Harry's pretty much apathetic about it. Over the years, it seems like the trick-or-treater kids have gotten older. Dave remembers a while back that one of them was dressed up as a sailor. He said he was in the Navy.
••• "Results of the Latest Zogby Poll" /
  • Who will lead this country to a better place: 47% Barack Obama, 46% Mitt Romney, 7% Flo, the Progressive Insurance Lady

  • How can the United States improve its image in the Mideast? 17% Broker a lasting peace between Israel and the Palestinians, 22% Support emerging democracies while insisting on relivoius tolerance, 61% Give away hams -- everyone loves ham!

  • What about the foreign policy debate surprised you? 22% Romney did not attack Obama on Libya, 18% Romney expressed agreement with many of Obama's policies, 60% We have boats that go underwater?

  • Who are Latinos more likely to vote for? 90% Barack Obama, 10% ¿Que?

  • What do you think about the current health system? 40% Keep the current system, 40% Lose the current system, 20% More Doctor monkeys

  • The most important event of the coming weeks is: 24% The election on November 6th, 76% The new James Bond film, Skyfall, in theaters November 9th

  • Netanyahu can be described as: 20% The current Prime Minister of Israel, 60% A delicious chocolate drink
    That's right. The previous percentages equal 80%. I don't think anyone noticed.

  • Do you think Mitt Romney cares equally about the middle class and the wealthy? 51% No, 49% No response; couldn't stop laughing

  • What people plan to do in the voting booth on election day? 51% Pull the lever for Obama, 48% Pull the lever for Romney, 1% Pull their own "lever"
••• Top Ten Signs Your Robot Won't Be Inducted in the Robot Hall of Fame ••• Dennis Quaid plugs Vegas. ••• Saint Jeffrey Tompkins is still with us.
(Dave): "Hi, Saint Tompkins."

(Saint Jeffrey, steamed): "Yeah, Dave. The Vatican found out about the whore. I'm no longer a saint. Thanks a lot, ass     !"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Krysten Ritter plugs Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23. ••• Diamond Rings sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/29/12 [3749]:

[Hurricane Sandy hit New York City today, with 90 MPH winds expected, the southeast part of Manhattan Island is flooding, and some of the staff couldn't make it in. It's considered enough of a threat that the city's subways were shut down last night, and bridges and tunnels are closed. Earlier today, the decision was made to tape the show without the audience.]
••• cold open: Dave and Paul are in front of the Ed Sullivan Theater (known tonight as the Ed Sullivan Shelter), under the marquee. Dave and Paul decide to do a show, but they're locked out. ••• Michael Z. McIntee announces. ••• Dave comes out to his mark for a few moments, then heads to his command module, as the CBSO plays The Association's "Windy." ••• desk chat:
  1. The staff decided that if they loaded in 500 audience members, when they left the theater they might be going out into the worst of the storm. Dave didn't want to put the audience in jeopardy (even though he's been doing that for 30 years).

  2. Storm Facts:

    • wind gusts up to 90 MPH

    • 12" of rain expected

    • 10,000,000 people expected to lose electrical power

    • The hurricane will arrive at New Jersey and Delaware during high tide and a full moon.

    • The hurricane will meet an arctic mass, and may drop three feet of snow on West Virginia.

    • Cost? a billion dollars
••• Dave does the monologue from his desk, using blue cards instead of Tony's cue cards. For example: "I got up this morning, turned on the radio and listened for the talk show closings." "I'm wearing my hairpiece with a chinstrap, because of the winds." And how about this outside shot of a submerged Broadway, with a hot dog cart floating by? ••• interruption: Alan Kalter, soaking wet and disheveled, trudges in, heading for his perch.
(Dave, to Alan): "You alright?"

(Paul): "Oh, my goodness!"

(Dave): "Wow! You OK?

(Alan mutters): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Wow. Looks like you took a nasty fall. Alan, are you alright?"

(Alan): "Maybe one of you ass       could have told me we were doin' a show today?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Sorry."

••• Photoshop fun: Donald Trump's hair is boarded up for the storm. ••• "Now I Feel Better. Now I Don't." / video:
(Barack Obama): "The pre-positioning of resources, commodities, equipment that are gonna be needed to respond to the storm are in place."

(Bill Scheft over-over): "Now I feel better."

(Mayor Bloomberg, at a podium): The mayor is giving the Spanish portion of a news conference.

(Bill Scheft voice-over): "Now I don't."

(title graphic)

(Bill Scheft voice-over): "This has been 'Now I Feel Better. Now I Don't.' "

••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's been in one other hurricane.

  2. outside cam to Biff Henderson, in a bright yellow parka, reporting from Dave Letterman Park on Broadway / Biff, being from Durham, North Carolina, has been in seven or eight hurricanes. When he was in school there, the kids would get released from school about an hour before the hurricane hit. Biff looks around for what will be the first structure to fall victim to the wind.
••• Top Ten Rejected Names for the Frankenstorm / Because the control room person who does the TTL graphics couldn't make it, Todd Seda shows the entries on cue cards. (Todd got some big airtime on Saturday Night Live recently, by the way.) Dave wonders why Todd (who's kneeling right in front of his desk) is doing the cards instead of Tony Mendez. "More agile," Todd replies. Pat Farmer was in on this, too, handling the art card. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave says that with no audience, they should have used a laugh track tonight, but the guy who would do that isn't here.

  2. We have a shot of a crumpled crane on 8th Avenue.
••• Denzel Washington is in to plug Flight. He made it in from California to be on the show. Denzel enters in a raincoat via one of the 53rd St. doors. ••• Audience Pan: Dave, Paul and Denzel are the only audience members. ••• outside cam: more from Biff ••• Paul Banks sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Pauley Perrette was booked, but didn't make it.]

10/30/12 [3750]:

[It's the second episode in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. While Midtown Manhattan looks largely normal, the city's airports are closed, and travel on area bridges and highways is restricted. Kate Hudson couldn't make it from California, and once again, there was no one in the audience. Monologue jokes were done from the desk, and facts about the storm got mixed in along the way. While this wasn't a straightforward episode to write up, there was comedy gold to be documented.]
••• Dave spends 30 seconds at his monologue mark onstage, then the CBSO plays him to the desk with Bob Marley's "I Can See Clearly Now." ••• desk chat:
  1. Storm facts: Effects were felt from Bermuda to Canada. Wind gusts were up to 100 MPH. 8,000,000 places were without electricity. A storm surge of 14 feet in downtown Manhattan bought extensive flooding. Economic losses could reach $20,000,000,000.

  2. Dave delivers the monologue jokes from blue cards at his desk, for example: "I feel like Clint Eastwood... an old guy talking to empty chairs."

  3. Cameraman Al Cialino couldn't make it in today, because the subways are shut down. We see a shot of him operating a handheld camera from his couch in Queens.

  4. Referring to the gag with Al, Paul says, "That's the new humor. It makes no sense, and it's very rarely funny." "But yet, we've made comfortable livings," Dave adds.

  5. Dave has a story from home. He has a place to stay in the city, while Regina and Harry were home in Westchester County. He's afraid that this is too trivial to tell, given the troubles many have had. When power was lost, he took a cab back to Midtown, to stay at the theater, I guess. A call came in at 10 A.M. this morning from Regina. While she, Harry and Sully were on a walk, Sully got loose and bagged himself a deer! Then Regina reported, "We can't get him off the carcass." Dave says, "Luckily, they were able to get the beast off of the deer." (Dave makes sure to remind us that none of this happened on his watch, and he wasn't monkeying around.) Responding to this grim development, Paul says, "Yeah. Oh, well, that's... uh... I... ha ha. I mean..." (clears his throat) Dave's retort is, "Thanks for those thoughtful comments." The staff onstage bust up laughing.

  6. It's more monologue jokes, interspersed with commentary about the deceased deer. Paul interjects, "You don't want your dog shot. Don't call the authorities."

  7. "Pennsylvania was hit. Amish country is without electricity."

  8. WCBS-TV 2 clip: Female reporter says, "I brought three hats with me, and two are already gone. It's pretty windy, and that's what we're dealing with right now."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Kate Hudson couldn't make it from California, so Michael Z. McIntee takes her place in the guest chair.
(Dave): "Now Kate, before we begin, tell people who you actually are. What's your name?"

(Mike/Kate): "I'm Mike McIntee. I'm the production coordinator."

(Dave): "OK, so you're gonna fill in for Kate?"

(Mike/Kate): "That's correct."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Thanks for joining us tonight, Kate."

(Mike/Kate): "It's a pleasure to be here, Dave. You know, I love that tie on you."

(Dave): "Thank you. I understand that congratulations are in order."

(Mike/Kate): "Yes. I had a baby. My rock-singer fiancé and I couldn't be happier."

(Dave, laughing): "Yeah."

(Mike/Kate): "We plan on getting married on a mountain top."

(Dave): "Oh, that's very nice. Have you picked out a mountain?"

(Mike/Kate): "Yes."

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. Now, tell me about your fiancé."

(Mike/Kate): "He's the front man for a group called Muse. I get lost in his chiseled features and his steel-blue eyes."

(Dave): "Wow! And I, uh, I always like to ask about your mother, Goldie Hawn."

(Mike/Kate): "Yeah, thank you. She's doin' great, Dave. You know, she was Private Benjamin."

(Dave): "Yes, I know that. You look great. What... how do you stay in shape? I mean three pregnancies, and you look fantastic. How do you do that?"

(Mike/Kate): "It's my gluten-free diet, and Zumba®."

(Dave): "Zumba®. Kate, what do you have coming up? What's new for you?"

(Mike/Kate): "On November 15th... November 15th... I'll be back as Cassandra, on Glee."

(Dave): "Wow!"

(Mike/Kate): "Otherwise, I'll just be hangin' out with my new baby, and hot rocker boyfriend."

(Dave): "Kate Hudson, ladies and gentlemen. Look for her on Glee."

(Mike/Kate goes in for a hug.)

(Dave): "Thank you. Thank you. OK... don't touch me. Get out of here!"

••• Top Ten Unnecessary 911 Calls / Todd Seda holds up the entries on cue cards, with Pat Farmer handling the art card. ••• outside cam to Broadway / It's calm, illuminated and clean. ••• Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel puts Sandy in perspective with the dozens of other hurricanes he's covered over 26 years, and says one single event cannot be attributed to climate change. ••• Ken Burns plugs his November documentary, The Dust Bowl. ••• Act 5 No One-in-the-Audience Pan and "suggestions needed for a damaged crane" ••• more Ken Burns ••• Andrew Bird (and guest Tift Merritt) sing "If I Needed You." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [For possibly the only time ever, we see Dave saying good night to the nonexistent audience, as he always does after the show is on tape.]

10/31/12 [3751]: monologue: Mayor Bloomberg's doing so many press conferences in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, the sign language lady has sprained her hand. / video ••• "Products That Shouldn't Advertise During a Hurricane / video:

(title graphic and Carribean music)

(spokesman with a bunch of canes): "If your cane can't keep itself upright, how do you expect it to keep you upright? That's why we created the Hurrycane (TheHURRYCANE.com), the go-anywhere, do-anything cane.

(title graphic)

••• [In real life, because the hurricane was about to arrive, many of the staff from outside the city came in on Sunday and stayed in a hotel.] / "How Late Show Staffers Got to Work" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Late Show editor Dan Baggio: catapult"

(animation): We see the East River and Manhattan Island. There's activity on a tiny area on the shore. We hear the familiar snap of a catapult launch, followed by the familiar scream of a man who has just been launched by a catapult (and appears to be second-guessing his decision). Cut to a shot of the Ed Sullivan Theater. On the second floor, just above the Late Show marquee, Dan crashes through a window of Angelo's Pizza. Close enough for government work!

(voice-over): "Hope you enjoyed 'How Late Show Staffers Got to Work.' "

(title graphic)

••• One of the big challenges from Hurricane Sandy is flooding of the subway system. / MTA video:
(photo): a subway entrance

(voice-over): "Hurricane Sandy flooded the 100-year-old New York City subway system. Trains are not running now, and will not be for the forseeable future. But don't worry, New York. To make sure you get the service you're used to, effectively immediately we're setting up complimentary groping stations across the city."

(FX): map of Manhattan, with red dots appearing to mark the groping stations nearest you

(clip): a smiling man onboard a subway car, giving the thumbs-up to the camera

(voice-over and happy Australian music): "It's part of our commitment to our riders. 'The MTA: Going Your Way.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?" / Liquid-Plumr® is the middle state between Solid-Plumr® and Gaseous-Plumr®." ••• "New Halloween Costumes" / We see:
  • an unnamed boy as vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan, lifting a dumbbell / treat: Dap® spackling paste

  • Simon, 6, as Lotrimin® Ultra™ antifungal ointment (expiration: 10/05) / treat: Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Recall: MY Unbelievably True Life Story / The birth of Simon Michael Ludvigsen Gaines, son of Barbara, was announced by Dave on 8/14/06.

  • It's a tandem costume: Governor Chris Christie's pants (with butt-cheek face holes), with Avery and Lucas. / treat: cans of Progresso® Chowder / Avery, 5, is the daughter of Jeremy Weiner. Dave announced her birth on the 1/02/07 show.

  • Emily, 7, is modeling an iPhone® with a cracked glass. / treat: Frost King® Poly Foam Weather Seal™ / Dave announced the birth of Justin Stangel's daughter, Emily, on the 12/18/04 Late Show.

  • Josh is wearing a plaid shirt and gray jacket, and has glasses. He looks just like proud writer Steve Young, Mr. CelebriGum, who's seated in the audience! / treat: Walgreen's® Athlete's Foot Spray

  • Mia (9) and Anna (7) are another tandem costume: Martin Scorcese's eyebrows. / treat: carpet samples! / Dave announced the 5/02/03 birth of Mia Danielle "Zoogy" O'Callaghan, daughter of the late Michele O'Callaghan, on the Late Show. We don't know Anna's full name.

  • Ashley (5) is a paper cup of cole slaw from a diner meal. She likes lollipops, by the way. / treat: a 1998 phone book / Dave announced the 3/16/07 birth of Ashley Stangel, Justin's daughter, on the 3/19/07 Late Show. She's now a celebrity on Twitter: @My5YOJustSaid.
••• Top Ten Halloween Candies or Skin Ailments ••• Katie Couric plugs her new ABC talk show, Katie. For a past Halloween costume, Katie wore an egg carton on her head, and a slutty outfit: Eggs Over Easy. ••• Act 5: It's the Halloween kids in the green room or wherever, eating pizza, with Steve Young in on the fun. ••• "Is This Anything?" / A guy twirls a Hula Hoop on his nose. Dave proclaims that it is something, because it's a good reminder of the cold and flu season. ••• Rita Ora sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/01/12 [3752]: Here's an announcement from Mayor Bloomberg. / video:

(clip): the mayor speaking

(voice-over): "Mayor Bloomberg announced that although the city was hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, Sunday's marathon will go ahead, as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced that he finished in 2 hours, 52 minutes and 12 seconds. Paul Ryan: 'Spot me.' "

••• The Late Show is the only show that cares about you, the home viewer. Dave does a few monologue jokes in the dark. Well... just by a small flashlight. ••• Mayor Bloomberg's sign language lady has gotten carpal tunnel syndrome. / video / Dave: "Her hands are actually getting hoarse." ••• "Mitt Romney in His Own Words" / video:
(title graphic and action-adventure movie music)

(clip of Mitt, with edited voice-over): "I've always been... if you will... a rodent."

(title graphic)

••• Here's a campaign ad that makes no sense. / video:
(voice-over): "America is facing problems of historic proportions, and your vote could mean the difference between prosperity and ruin. But who will you choose?"

(clip): Barack Obama

(voice-over): "Will you vote for the elite, multimillionaire, Harvard-educated lawyer who overhauled the health care system..."

(clip): Mitt Romney

(voice-over): "...or the elite, multimillionaire, Harvard-educated lawyer who overhauled the health care system? Choose wisely, America."

(Obama with mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Stay with us for quick and easy exercises that will give you a sexier, firmer skull!" ••• "Michael Bloomberg: The Bright Side" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(the mayor, at a press conference): "Alright. Let me also point out that I don't think we've had a murder in two or three days. There's some good news in this." (pointing) "Yes, sir."

(title graphic)

••• (videotape): Vice-President Joe Biden presents the Top Ten Good Things About Voting Early. ••• Steven Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith visit with Dave. (Is it bad that I can't name a single Aerosmith song?) ••• Mayor Bloomberg has decreed that cars won't be allowed into the city if they don't have three passengers. / Alan Kalter has advice for carpoolers.
(Alan): "Absolutely, Dave. You know, to easy traffic nightmares during these difficult days, as Dave said, Mayor Bloomberg has announced carpooling regulations. Private vehicles need at least three occupants in order to enter Manhattan via the major bridges and the tunnels. Well, if you're a motorist looking for two passengers,..."

(cue Freeplay music: "Can Do.")

(Alan continues): "...I've got the solution. My online erotic emporium, kalterworld.com, offers a range of female companionship dolls, which can also be used to fool the authorities at carpool checkpoints. I've got a wide selection of different hair colors, body types, tattoos, skin textures and other options that I can't mention on network television. So let these beauties help you get through that long, difficult drive. Then enjoy an evening of ecstasy, as you indulge in all your wildest things with my dolls."

(Dave interrupts): "OK."

(Alan): "I'll tell ya. Those... the web site again..."

(Dave): "No. No. No. Alan... Alan..."

(Alan): "... is kalterworld.com."

(Dave): "We don't care. That's fine. Thanks for nothin', Alan. We'll be right back with Judy Greer, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Go to www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief. ••• Judy Greer ••• Aerosmith sing (if that's what you call it). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/02/12 [3753]: The Statue of Liberty crown was reopened on Oct. 28 after a year of repairs. / Photoshop fun: Check it out. Lady Liberty now has silicone lips. ••• It had been difficult to get down after a visit to the statue, but with new stairs and an elevator, it's all good now. Remember how it used to be? / video from a black & white movie: Some poor bastard outside, fooling around the torch, slips and begins his fall to earth, accelerating at 32 ft./sec.2. He makes quite a commotion on his way down. ••• In real life, a number of Late Show staff took hotel rooms on Sunday, to beat Hurricane Sandy's arrival before the Monday taping. Here's another in the continuing series, "How Late Show Staffers Got to Work." / video:

(title graphic and main title song from Junior, 1994)

(photo): Tim Kennedy

(voice-over): "Late Show technical director Tim Kennedy. SUBORBITAL SKYDIVE."

(clip): Mission Control scene from Apollo 13

(voice-over): "T-minus three, two, one."

(clip from 10/14/12): Felix Baumgartner jumps from his capsule at 128,000 feet.

(clip): Mission Control celebration scene from Apollo 13

(animation): The scene is 1697 Broadway. We see the Late Show marquee, and a huge, inflatable cushion nearby. Mr. Kennedy appears as a dot in the sky, but descends rapidly. Uh oh. He scores a direct hit on the top of the marquee... not the cushion.

(Tim Kennedy): groans weakly

(clip): Mission Control engineers, in stunned silence

(voice-over): "Hope you enjoyed 'How Late Show Staffers Got to Work.' "

(title graphic)

We're being told he's OK.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• "Results of the Latest Zogby Poll" /
  • On Election Day I intend to: 49% Get out and vote for Obama, 49% Get out and vote for Romney, 2% Burglarize the homes of people who are out voting

  • Whose response to Hurricane Sandy best qualifies him to be president? 30% Barack Obama, 30% Mitt Romney, 40% Handsome meteorologist Sam Champion

  • How can Barack Obama and Mitt Romney best heal the nation after a divisive campaign? 24% Call for all Americans to unite behind bipartisan solutions, 76% Star in a remake of the buddy-cop blockbuster Lethal Weapon

  • How are you feeling in the final days before the election? 35% Excited, 33% Nervous, 32% Still damp from the hurricane

  • Should we do away with the electoral college? 75% Yes, 20% No, 5% No idea, because they dropped out after electoral high school

  • Why do you want Mitt Romney to win the election? 23% He'll fix the economy, 26% Overturn Obamacare, 51% Want to see Chris Matthews cry like a baby

  • who will undecideds vote for? 42% Mitt Romney, 39% Barack Obama, 19% Whichever candidate will come and pump the water out of my basement

  • photos: handsome meteorologist Sam Champion

  • What will you miss least about the presidential campaign? 2% Campaign advertisements, 5% Endless news coverage, 93% Letterman's hugely popular "Zogby Poll" segment

  • How do you plan to vote on Election Day? 47% Republican, 47% Democrat, 6% Drunk and in my underpants
••• TTL montage ••• interruption:
Production coordinator Michael Z. McIntee, in a dark hoodie, appears behind Dave's desk.

(Dave): "The category: Upcoming..."

(Mike): "Dude... Dude."

(Dave): "...Weekend Events That Probably..."

(Mike): "Dude... Dude."

(Dave): "...Should Be Cancelled."

(Mike): "Dude... Hey, Dude!"

(Dave): "We're talking about the marathon..."

(Mike): "Dude!"

(Dave) "...should it be... what? Paul? What?"

(Paul): "There's somebody behind you."

(Dave): "Huh? Oh! Jeeminy God! Oh, hi. It's this guy again, ladies and gentlemen. What can I do..."

(Mike, holding tickets): "Check it out! Two for the New York City Marathon. Who needs?"

(Dave): "Well, you know, I can see that those are Super Bowl tickets from 2007. And secondly, I think the admission to the marathon is free. You don't need a ticket, so just get out of here, because you're bothering every... What?"

(Mike, producing different tickets, but not really): "Two! Dangling crane on 57th St."

(audience): laughing

(Dave): "What is it? What is it?"

(Mike, raising voice): "Two for the dangling crane on 57th St."

(Dave, getting interested, stands up and reaches for his billfold): "I think..."

(Mike): gets spooked, and scampers off the set

(Dave): also gets spooked, turning 360°, then proceeds with the TTL

••• Top Ten Upcoming Weekend Events That Probably Should Be Cancelled ••• Jason Sudeikis plugs Saturday Night Live. He's a very good guest, even though he went to KU. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show.
(Dave): "Let's... before Michael comes out, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's comin' up on this weekend's Weekend Late Show. Kids, take it away!"

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Election Day is right around the corner, and if you're like me, you never know what to wear to the polling station. Our style editor, Chloe Fiscoe, will have some smart suggestions to have you voting and looking your best."

(Bruce): "I never know how to dress. Now, do you find that too much of your time is spent on the computer? Why not hire a neighbor kid to keep your Facebook page up-to-date?" Our computer guru, Nate Hardcastle, will tell us all about the new trend called 'pagesitting.' "

(Linda): "Oh... like babysitting! What will they think of next? Bruce, how much do you think Americans spend on bookends in a year?"

(Bruce): "Uh... let me see. A million dollars?"

(Linda): "Not even close! We spend over $10,000,000,000 annually on bookends in this country. But tomorrow in the Weekend Workshop, we're going to show you how to make your own pair of bookends with some common household items, and you won't have to spend a dime!"

(Bruce): "Book 'em, Danno. All that, plus preparing for snowmobile season, the best Internet pharmacies and when should you represent yourself in court? Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. That's Bruce and Linda, ladies and gentlemen... that's the Weekend Late Show."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Go to www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief." ••• Michael Che (pronounced Chay) does stand-up. ••• Ultraísta sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a photo of handsome meteorologist Sam Champion

11/05/12 [3754]: Tonight's audience shout out (or home viewer shout out) is to all the dykes in Holland. ••• The mayor canceled the New York City Marathon about 48 hours before its start, but what a nice gesture by some of the would-be runners. / video: We see then carrying stranded commuters piggyback down 53rd St. ••• shocking revelation: Dave tells the audience he's going to try to guess everyone's weight. / video: horror movie audience ••• It's the eve of Election Day, and Dave announces that Mitt Romney is nuts. / video:

(Mitt clip, taken out of context): "When I'm elected, the economy and the American job market is going to be stagnant."

(Mitt mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Seriously, Mitt Romney is nuts. / video:
(voice-over): "Tuesday is Election Day. It has been a long, hard-fought campaign. But in the end, only one candidate has the strength and courage to lead this nation to a brighter future. That's why Mitt Romney is endorsing Barack Obama for President of the United States."

(Mitt mustache clip): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• "Electoral Map Update" / video:
(title graphic)

(U. S. red/blue states map): 12 blue states

(voice-over): "In this scenario, President Obama takes Ohio and Florida, and narrowly wins the election."

(U. S. red/blue states map): 16 blue states

(voice-over): "In this scenario, Mitt Romney takes Ohio and Florida, and narrowly wins the election."

(U. S. red/blue states animation)

(voice-over): "And in this improbable-but-fun scenario, the electoral map spells ASS. This has been an 'Electoral Map Update.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Botox does not restore a smooth, youthful appearance to a wrinkly jack o'lantern." ••• desk chat:
  1. Election Day is tomorrow.

  2. Dave has an incoming call on the 1978 phone. It's about time he showed up! It's Governor Mitt Romney. We listen:

    (Mitt): "Hello, this is Mitt Romney calling."

    (Dave): "Thank you very much, Governor. It's a pleasure to talk to you."

    (Mitt): "I just wanted to give you a call to see if we could speak directly, and maybe answer any questions you might have."

    (Dave): "Well, we have some time now, so go ahead. Whatever it is you want to talk about."

    (Mitt): "Well, you know, I like Honey Nut Cheerios®, and I like Honey Nut Chex®, and uh, uh, let's see. I like Crispix®. Of course, I love anything with sugar in it, I like the most, you know. Sugar Pops® and Honey Smacks®, and all that, but I, I don't eat as much of that as the Honey Nut Cheerios®. So I try to eat some cold cereal at the end of the day, and a full tummy and long day puts me right to bed."

    (Dave): "OK. Well, thank you very much."

••• Top Ten Other Choices That Evenly Divide Americans ••• desk chat:
Dave mentions the flooding problems created a few days ago by Hurricane Sandy, and that the Dutch solved that problem. Paul chimes in with, "They devised a system of dykes." Dave would like to see us do that.
••• Ricky Gervais plugs the upcoming New York Comedy Festival. Dave has a sporty new black Question of the Night dispenser, and Ricky gets a question. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter is selling plastic containers of gasoline from his perch, at $20 per gallon. When confronted by Dave, Alan advises, "Hey. It's the apocalypse, ass     . All bets are off!" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• Simon Helberg plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• Ty Segall sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.


11/07/12 [3755]: Did you see Fox News when they called the election for Barack Obama? / video:

(various Fox graphics)

(bogus anchor voice-over, speaking slowly and softly): "With Ohio in his corner, we can now project that... Barack Obama... has been re-elected President of the United States."

(FoxNews graphic): "Fox News will... something..... something. Who cares? Leave me alone."

••• The Late Show has done everything possible to prevent Mitt Romney from being elected president, via a series of little video clips. Now they can be set aside, but first, here's "In Memoriam: Mitt Romney References" / video:
(title graphic on black, with sad music)
  • Mitt speaking, taking off his shirt

  • Mitt singing in Norwegian

  • Mitt speaking, taken out by a giant ball on a chain

  • Mitt speaking at a graduation, punching Todd Seda in the tummy while speaking

  • Mitt's fancy-dancing horse

  • Mitt's dog, looking down from the car roof

  • Mitt dancing

  • and, of course, "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and his seductive, comforting message to Ann Romney ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave waited in line three hours to vote yesterday, then he realized he was in a gas line!

  2. The poll workers at the firehouse are all wise guys. Frank, the poll worker, smarted off and called Dave 'Leno.' "Give me my ballot," Dave replied.

••• Last night's election was the highest-tweeted event ever, which brings us to "2012 Election Twitter Roundup"
(female voice-over): "Speaker of the House John Boehner"

(Boehner tweet): "Thank you to Mitt, Paul & their families for carrying banner of our party & principles w/ strength, grace, & courage."

(female voice-over): "United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron"

(Cameron tweet): "PM: Warm congratulations to my friend @BarackObama. Look forward to continuing to work together."

(female voice-over): "Donald Trump"

(Trump tweet): "Richard Belzer is a stone cold loser with no talent--why did they ever put him on "Law and Order?"

(female voice-over): "This has been '2012 Election Twitter Round-up."

(title graphic)

••• Dave's six sons, including Joe Grossman, come out one last time to take a bow: Borg, Mott, Blip, Plonk, Joe and Glub, all dressed alike in snappy casual. / They missed a beat, however: Joe left the stage in the correct direction. ••• Top Ten signs You Were Watching Bad Election Coverage / #3: The interactive map became self-aware and destroyed the studio ••• Brian Williams visits with Dave about the election. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• desk chat: Dave apologizes for calling Karl Rove a 'pudgy little weasel' during Brian's interview. He calls for a screen capture. Well... he may not be a weasel, but he's pudgy, alright. ••• Oh... here we go again. It's the obligatory departure shot of Brian. / live: Brian kindly stops to sign an autograph for a lady on the sidewalk, then steals her umbrella and scampers away in the heavy rain. ••• Ne-Yo sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/08/12 [3756]: "The Fiscal Cliff" is a new catch phrase. As so many of us do in difficult or uncertain times, Dave turns to Wolf Blitzer for guidance. / video:

(clip of a bespectacled Wolf Blitzer): "Now that the election is over, Congress is coming back to Washington to deal with what's being called the fiscal cliff. Here's a brief illustration of what we're talking about."

(animation, with yodeling): A cardboard Swiss man (in lederhosen, of course), moves up an incline. The poor little fellow doesn't even slow down at the apex. He plummets to the Alps below. (We're being told he's OK.)

(graphic): CNN logo

(Dave): "That little guy was Fiscal Cliff."

••• A Senator John Kerry reference cues the screaming teen girls in the balcony. ••• "How Mitt Romney Is Moving On" / video:
(graphic): a rural highway, heading into the setting sun, with sad music

(photo): The White House

(voice-over): "Today, Mitt Romney bought the building at 1602 Pennsylvania Avenue..."

(animation): White House shot widens to show a Jiffy Lube® next door

(voice-over): "... demolished it..."

(FX): dynamite explosion

(voice-over): "... and built an even bigger White House."

(graphic): Seal of the President of the United States

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Pretend President Romney.' "

••• Here's a post-election commercial from Barack Obama. / video:
(graphic): waving American flag, with movie music

(photo): Clint Eastwood

(voice-over): "Hey, Clint.       you!"

(mustachioed Barack Obama clip): "I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message, because I believe we're all in this together."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• On the Ed Sullivan Theater stage, Homer Simpson presents the Top Ten Reasons I, Homer Simpson, Am Proud to Be an American. / #1: We're the first country to leave trash on the moon. ••• Here's a very special surprise: The Beltway Bunch (a peppy quartet of young singers) take the stage for a Broadway musical number. It goes exactly like this:
Fiscal cliff! Fiscal cliff!
We're all a-headin' for the fiscal cliff!
Watch out, Dave!
Careful, Biff!
We're headin' for the fiscal cliff!

(new tune)

I'm gonna wash that Mitt right out of my hair!
Clint Eastwood's talkin' to an empty chair!

(new tune)

Ahh, Swing State!


(Tony Mendez): "Hold it! Hold it! Shut up! Stop the music! This is the worst thing I've ever heard! Get off my stage! Go on. Get off my stage! Go! Go!"

(Dave): "Whatsa matter? Hey, Tony... what?"

(Tony, to Dave): "You know I did the right thing."

••• Robin Williams ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• "Is This Anything?" / The scrim rises to reveal some dork on top of a very big ladder, working the world's biggest yo-yo, as the CBSO plays Blood, Sweat & Tears' "Spinning Wheel." / Dave says the guy reminds him of Marty Feldman. This segment angered him. It's nothing. Furthermore, it gives kids the wrong idea. "It pissed me off." ••• Lianne La Havas sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Homer Simpson appears with the closing credits.

11/09/12 [3757]: tardy report: Tony Mendez came out late enough that Paul had to extend the theme song! ••• "This Week in the New Weather" / video:

(title graphic)

(satellite view of earth)

(voice-over): "Meteorologists were stunned when two storms collided over the Indian Ocean, forming a pattern which closely resembled actress Sofia Vergara." (photo of Sofia)

(Photoshop fun): We see Sofia's image in a cloud, which originally formed from two ample clouds of equal size, side-by-side, with dark spots near their centers.

(FX): wolf whistle

(voice-over): "This has been 'This Week in the New Weather.' "

(title graphic)

••• There are still hundreds of thousands of people without electrical power in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. / "Con Ed Power Outage Update" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): downed lines in the snow from the nor'easter two days ago

(voice-over): "As soon as the latest weather system passes, Con Ed crews will resume restoring power to our customers in the metropolitan area. Once that phase is complete, crews will begin fortifying the grid by diverting power from non-essential areas."

(clip from a non-essential area): The View ladies talking over each other, as usual

(FX): Bzzt. There's a brownout on the set of The View.

(voice-over): "This has been a 'Con Ed Power Outage Update.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dick Morris gave voting predictions that were overly optimistic for the GOP. Not so much, in reality. / "Dick Morris: Good Call" / video:
(title graphic and The Dating Game theme song)

(clips): We'll see a series of proclamations by Dick.

(Dick): "Romney is going to win by four to eight points,"

(FX): "no" buzzer, with red X

(Dick): "...he's gonna get more than 300 electoral votes,"

(FX): "no" buzzer, with red X

(Dick): "...and Ohio is not gonna decide the election."

(FX): "no" buzzer, with red X

(Dick): "Romney's gonna carry Ohio,"

(FX): "no" buzzer, with red X

(Dick): "...but he's also gonna carry Pennsylvania,"

(FX): "no" buzzer, with red X

(Dick): "...he's probably gonna carry, uh, Michigan,"

(FX): "no" buzzer, with red X

(Dick): "...he's probably gonna carry, uh, Wisconsin,"
(FX): "no" buzzer, with even bigger red X

(title graphic and The Dating Game theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "The gospel of Luke is the only book of the New Testament to mention the "Croissandwich." ••• Donald Trump spends most of his billions on hair care products. What's he doing now, anyway? / video:
(photos): Donald and his crazy hair

(voice-over): "Over the last few years, Donald Trump demanded to see President Obama's birth certificate, passport records and college transcripts. Now that he's been re-elected, the president would like to see Mr. Trump's tax returns for the last 20 years... today... at the IRS office in Fairbanks, Alaska."

(photo): smiling Barack Obama

(voice-over): "Barack Obama. Checkmate."

••• Top Ten Signs You're a Lame Spy / #9: You insist on wearing a cape. ••• desk chat: Dave's working on his gestures for his future after-dinner speaking career. ••• Anderson Cooper plugs Anderson Cooper 360. / Related to an earlier desk chat comment, during Anderson's visit, Dave produces a bottle of Cutty Sark®. The props department had to scramble to round up the whiskey bottle and apple juice! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Myq Kaplan does stand-up ••• Alberta Cross sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Bruce and Linda didn't preview the Weekend Late Show tonight.]

11/12/12 [3758]: Tonight's audience shout-out is to "Dumbass." Quiet, please everyone. Let's not wake the little fellow. ••• New York City, in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, now has gas rationing. / monologue: "Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff. Thank God for that." ••• General David Petraeus had to resign as CIA director because he was naughty with his biographer lady. / video:

(title graphic and soap opera music)

(photo): General Petraeus

(voice-over): "In a surprising move, General David Petraeus resigned as the director of the Central Intelligence Agency. The CIA would like to announce that until we complete the rigorous vetting process to choose a replacement director, we will be led by Intern Todd."

(photo): assistant cue card boy Todd Seda, standing at attention in front of the American flag

(voice-over): "Intern Todd. It's on!"

••• monologue: "Steven Spielberg's Lincoln is in theaters now... traditionally not a good place for Lincoln." ••• The election didn't go well for Republicans. / monologue:
"So the Republicans are still in shock. They're saying, 'Whaaat the heck happened?' And you know what it was? They overlooked the Latino vote. They didn't recognize the power of the Latino vote. So they're already trying to make it more inclusive. Paul Ryan... you remember a guy named Paul Ryan? He was gonna be Mitt Romney's vice-president. Well, today he announced he changed his name to Pablo Ryan."

(photo: Ryan wearing a sombrero)

••• The Walking Dead is a hot new show about zombies, and they just ran a big cliffhanger last night. Watch this video.
(scene): dark room

(FX): phone rings

A zombie stumbles across a room to answer the old dial phone.

(Zombie): "Hello."

(phone voice): "Hello! This is Mitt Romney calling..."

(closing credits)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'd be OK with regular straws. I don't need bendy straws. But I've worked hard. It's time to treat myself to some of the finer things in life." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's assistant, Joanna DeMartin, has been pregnant for about two years. She and the father of the baby, David Guillamo, are the proud parents of a baby boy, who arrived on this planet yesterday morning. He's 6 lbs. 9 oz., and 20.5" tall. Gillen Carr DeMartin is his name.

  2. Karl Rove was like the evil genius of the election. He went to the wealthy Koch brothers, and said they could buy the election with the money they got from Stalin: $400,000,000. It didn't work. Now the Kochs are looking for Rove to beat him up.
••• Mitt Romney's been campaigning for six years. He's getting on with his life. / "How Mitt Romney Is Moving On" / video:
(title graphic and movie music)

(photo): Mitt

(voice-over): "Today, Mitt Romney paid a phone sex operator $500 to call him President Romney."

(Mitt, on the phone): "So what I do, is I bring down the tax rates,..."

(phone sex operator, speaking softly and seductively): "Yes, President Romney... lower tax rates."

(Mitt): "...lower deductions and exemptions,..."

(phone sex operator, speaking softly and seductively): "Good idea, President Romney."

(Mitt): "...the same idea behind Bowles-Simpson, by the way..."

(phone sex operator, speaking softly and seductively): "Of course it is, President Romney."

(graphic): Seal of the Pretend President of the United States

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Pretend President Romney.' "

••• Pepsi® is doing a market test on new pop: It's fat-blocking, with fiber. / Top Ten Beverage Breakthroughs ••• Bradley Cooper plugs Silver Linings Playbook. He says he's good buddies with Robert DeNiro. ••• desk chat: "Dave Tries on a Toupee" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• Robert Klein ••• Soundgarden sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Soundgarden live webcast at 8 ET]

11/13/12 [3759]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a boat-trip-down-the-Nile-taking guy. ••• How does the U.S. stay away from the fiscal cliff? Here's an idea: sell space on Mount Rushmore. / Photoshop fun: Trump now occupies the place next to Thomas Jefferson. ••• Mitt Romney's back on the campaign trail. / video:

(photos): Mitt

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney doesn't play favorites when it comes to creating jobs and helping small business owners prosper, wherever they may reside, which is why today he's pleased to announce his candidacy for president of Iran."

(clip): a cheering throng of people

(bearded Mitt): "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approve this message."

••• Photoshop fun: It's Paul Ryan, wearing a sombrero, hoping to capture the Latino vote. ••• "How Mitt Romney Is Moving On" / video:
(title graphic and movie music)

(photo): Mitt

(voice-over): "Today Mitt Romney sent his goons to rough up a guy who kind of looks like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."

(photo): Mahmoud

(video): A man who kind of looks like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is standing by an elevator. Two real Late Show security guys are next to him.

(man who kind of looks like Ahmadinejad): "How's it going?"

(The security guys capture and remove the offender.)

(man who kind of looks like Ahmadinejad): "Hey, no. You've got the wrong guy. Help! Help! No!"

(graphic): Seal of the Pretend President of the United States

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Pretend President Romney.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• The new James Bond movie, Skyfall, has opened. People are trying to copy it, while making it more "Bondy," Dave says. / video:
(sad movie music)

(clip): old-time movie / scene in a dark room

(music): Suddenly we hear the familiar James Bond theme song.

(James Bond action scenes)

(photo): Abraham Lincoln

(clips): old-time guys, followed by Abraham Lincoln

(animation): It's the usual James Bond gunplay opening scene, seen through someone's eye, but instead of James, it's honest Abe doing the shooting.

(graphic): "LINCOLN, November 16"

••• Eric Hartsburg, a wrestler from Michigan City, Indiana, got the Romney R tattooed on his face for $15,000. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Guy's Mind ••• "Stupid Pet Tricks" /
  1. Michael Sazen and his Senegal parrot, Kili, from Brooklyn
    Keely, a girl, likes to play with dolls. She puts her toy baby parrot in a stroller, goes for a stroll, then puts baby to bed.

  2. Sarah Carson and her border collie, Hero, from North Bay, Ontario
    Sarah works as a dog trainer. Hero blows bubbles by barking through the bubble thing!

  3. Linda Wright, with Ruger and Rogue (Australian cattle dogs), from Lake Elsinore, California
    Ruger pushes Rogue (well, kind of) in a little stroller that looks like a car.
••• desk chat: The Supremes debuted in the Ed Sullivan Theater (formerly the Hammerstein Theater). ••• Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife. ••• desk chat: Dave tells us about schnitzel: a thin slice of veal or other light meat, coated in breadcrumbs and fried. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief •••
Fiscal cliff is the buzzword of the week. Right here... on our stage... is Fiscal Cliff to enlighten us. The CBSO plays Olivia Newton-John's "Physical." The scrim rises. We see a man standing on a cliff, peering through George Washington's portrait oval on a giant $1 bill. "Hi, everybody. I'm Fiscal Cliff," he says. Dave cancels the appearance.
••• Mumford & Sons sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/14/12 [3760]: monologue: Dave's joking around about an FBI guy who's sending shirtless photos of himself. In the FBI? He should be in Congress!! / interruption: A shirtless, FBI-looking guy in the audience takes offense and exits the theater. (We know he's in the FBI because of his sunglasses.) ••• Spielberg's Lincoln opens on Nov. 16. / video:

(movie soundtrack music)

(voice-over): "This Friday, learn the compelling, true story of our sixteenth president as he struggles with carnage on the battlefield, infighting with his cabinet and a top general who's been sending inappropriate messages to a married woman."

(bogus Morse code)

(typed message on yellowed paper): "My nether organ is impressive." Ulysses S. Grant ;)"

(voice-over): "Lincoln. Opens Friday."

••• "How Mitt Romney Is Moving On" / video:
(title graphic and movie music)

(photo): a smiling Mitt

(voice-over): "Today, Mitt Romney drew a picture of the House of Representatives chamber, and gave a State of the Union address in front of it."

(Mitt, in front of the picture): "And the fourth new entitlement, Obamacare? You repeal that one, and finally get our balance sheet right."

(animation): The cartoon Speaker of the House and Vice-President behind Mitt come to life, stand and applaud.

(graphic): Seal of the Pretend President of the United States

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Pretend President Romney.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Earlier, Dave was joking about the Christmas tree at 30 Rock. Now he reminds us about the development of Dave Letterman Park, conveniently located at 53rd St. and Broadway, in June. / outside cam: A panel truck is stopped next to the park. Stagehand Tommy O'Brien and others are on the scene to take delivery of an adorable, two-foot-tall Norway Spruce Christmas tree on a stand. Paul plays "O Tannenbaum." (For some reason I Googled "O Tannenbaum," and learned that it's German for "O fir tree." Who knew?)

Fun Fact: I got to talk to Tommy O'Brien in Dave Letterman Park on June 19, when they were setting up a remote that never aired. I recognized him by his voice, because he played the Late Show Bear, several years ago.

••• desk chat: Dave wonders out loud what it cost to rent the panel truck for the 30 seconds it was onscreen. ••• TTL montage / Guy Fieri of the Food Network opened a restaurant, Guy's American Kitchen & Bar, in Times Square in September. Pete Wells of The New York Times blasted it in a review on Nov. 13. / Top Ten Discontinued Guy Fieri Menu Items ••• One of the staff hands Dave a blue card with the cost of the rental truck: $625. ••• outside cam: We see the shirtless FBI guy trying to hail a cab. ••• Alec Baldwin, always a great guest, plugs the final season of 30 Rock, and his upcoming movie, Rise of the Guardians. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• interruption: Alec Baldwin comes back onstage. He needs a place to work. His part in Rise of the Guardians was voice-over for the animated film, and now he has another voice-over part. He goes right to work with getting his lines recorded. ••• Dirty Projectors sing. ••• with credits: the shirtless FBI guy ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/15/12 [3761]: urp alert: Dave begins the monologue obviously a little dyspeptic. ••• Today was arrival day of the giant Christmas tree at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. We've seen some great deliveries, especially in Dave's NBC days, but today's delivery was the best ever. / video: [Think back to Felix Baumgartner's 24-mile, 834 MPH sky dive to earth on October 14.] / animation:

(clip): the spacecraft, with earth below

(NASA-sounding female voice-over): "The 80-foot-tall Norway Spruce is in place at 128,000 feet. Now begins the freefall. Descent appears stable. Speed 725. Parachute deployed. Here's the landing."

(FX): whistling sound from the supersonic speed / oops! / crash landing!

(clip of Mission Control in Rockefeller Center): "Oooooh."

(voice-over): "Cathryn Reester, CNN."

••• President Obama has his hands full with the FBI, the military, the fiscal cliff, and now states wanting secede. Here's "Official Response from President Obama." / video:
(title graphic and trumpet fanfare)

(photo): a smiling President Obama

(voice-over): "See ya!"

(title graphic and trumpet fanfare)

••• Barack Obama is in town to survey damage from Hurricane Sandy, which began on October 29. Also, Mayor Bloomberg has just made his way to Staten Island. / video: We see the diminutive mayor hiding behind the president., barely visible. ••• monologue: Our new friend, the shirtless FBI guy, comes out to warn Dave, "If it wasn't my day off, I'd arrest you." ••• Steven Spielberg's Lincoln opens tomorrow. / video:

(voice-over): "In a nation divided, one man united us all. His legendary cabinet: loyal, passionate and not above the occasional practical joke."

(outdoor scene, at sunset): Lincoln puts on a stovepipe hat. The joke's on him. The hat's taller and wider than it's supposed to be, and completely covers his noggin.

(Lincoln, with voice muffled by the hat): "Oh, real      funny, jerk."

(voice-over): "Lincoln. Starts Friday."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave's just found out that one of his staff has the flu. As a skilled hypochondriac, Dave assumes that he's caught it, and is fairly certain that he's going to toss the cookies on camera sometime tonight. Stay tuned for celebrity regurgitation!
••• "How Mitt Romney Is Moving On" / video:
(title graphic and movie music)

(photos): a smiling Mitt, then Disney World

(voice-over): "Last night, Mitt Romney broke into Disney World, and installed an animatronic model of himself in the Hall of Presidents."

(animated Mitt, giving a speech): "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me."

(FX): the buzzing of an electrical short, followed by animated Mitt's spring-loaded head popping off

(graphic): Seal of the Pretend President of the United States

(voice-over): " 'A Message from Pretend President Romney.' "

••• Top Ten Mitt Romney Scapegoats ••• desk chat: Dave shows a little designer wastebasket he has under his desk, in case cookies are tossed. ••• desk chat:
Dave, in the process of introducing our next guest, is disappointed to have to announce that her show's on a competing network. He instructs Tony Mendez that no matter what network future guests are on, he's to list CBS on the cue card.
••• Zooey Deschanel plugs New Girl. ••• "Is This Anything?" / The scrim rises. We see the shirtless FBI guy, along with a sleeveless guy who's banging marimbas on his legs. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• Lisa Lampanelli ••• Donald Fagen sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/16/12 [3762]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who's been to a cranberry bog. ••• The latest Jim Bond movie is in theaters now, and it's doing well. / "Celebrities Who Look Like James Bond Villains" / video:

(title graphic, and the familiar John Barry theme)

(photo): Rush Limbaugh, with cigar

(photo): Cee Lo Green in a ridiculous suit of armor, covered with huge spikes

(photo): "Donald Trump, local businessman, with ridiculous hair

(title graphic)

••• The shirtless FBI agent, Fred Humphries, is with us again tonight, conveniently located in an aisle seat. Fred rises to take a bow.
(Dave): "Nice to have you with us, and what... what are you... you've been involved in... what are you doin' now? I know that you've been named in this whole mess with the CIA, and everything. So what... what are you gonna do after the scandal?"

(Agent Humphries): "Well, I don't know about the scandal. I know after the show, I'm goin' back to the hotel... get a cheeseburger... and a whore."

(Dave, applauding): "Nice to have you. Fred Humphries, ladies and gentlemen... from the FBI."

••• It's been too long. Dave has an impression of himself, this coming weekend. He calls it a tableau. (I had to look that up. It means "a group of models or motionless figures representing a scene from a story, or from history.") Dave takes a few moments to adjust his clothing and touch up his hair. The impression begins.
(Dave, smiling): "One senior for Breaking Dawn Saga: Twilight - Part 2, please."
••• The Late Show has a scene from the movie for us. / video:
(female character storms into a dimly-lit room)

(first male vampire): "What a pleasant surprise!"

(another male vampire): "What do you want? Huh?"

(female): "I have to report... a crime. The acting... in this movie is... terrible."

(The first male vampire slams a book closed. In a millisecond, he's face-to-face with her.): "Oh, my."

(graphic): the Twilight movie logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention turkeys! Now would be a good time to attend to any items on your 'bucket list.' " ••• desk chat:
(Dave): The guy... the FBI guy... Humphries... Fred Humphries... What is it? What is it now, Fred? Fred, are you there?"

(Paul): "Oh, he wants to say something?"

(Dave): "What is it, Fred?"

(audience lights come up)

(Fred rises. He's wearing the coat the woman behind him was wearing a few minutes earlier.)

(Fred): "Yeah."

(Dave): "What's the problem?"

(Fred): "The Bureau heard about the whore, and I'm no longer an agent. So thanks a lot, ass     !"

(Dave): "Nice... nice wrap, there, Agent."

••• desk chat: Dave says that just today, the Weekend Late Show was nominated for a People's Choice Award. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "So, with that in mind now, let's check in and see what's comin' up on the Weekend Late Show with our friends, Bruce and Linda. Bruce... Linda..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. What a show we have tomorrow! Canada's greatest songwriter, Gordon Lightfoot, celebrates his birthday tomorrow, and he'll be joining us for an exclusive interview, via Skype!"

(Bruce): "Did you know his middle name is Meredith?"

(Linda): "No."

(Bruce, laughing): "Yeah, it is! I just learned that. Now, Linda, we know you love folk dancing, so get ready for something special. The Baltic Breeze dance troupe will be here to perform for Latvian Independence Day. Maybe you'll join em."

(Linda): "Ohhh, I would love to, if they'll let me! Now, the holiday shopping season officially kicks off next week. If you're looking to get your hands on some money for gifts, our Dollars and Sense reporter, Danny Mackenzie, will help out by answering the age-old question, 'Pawn or sell?' "

(Bruce): "Oh, boy. Have I made the wrong decision there! All that, plus choosing a guard dog, saving money at the bowling alley and 'when is it a mistake to put safety first?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda."

••• desk chat: Dave says he always like how Bruce settles into his seat to take the promo. He calls for a replay. We see Bruce swaying from side to side two or three times. It's like three swings of a pendulum. ••• Spielberg's Lincoln opened today. / Top Ten Lincoln-Era Double Entendres / #8: Serving under Ulysses S. Grant ••• Dr. Phil McGraw plugs his book, Life Code, and talks to Dave about his therapist. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund to contribute to hurricane relief ••• Carmen Lynch does stand-up. ••• Divine Fits sing. Dave seemed to like 'em. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: It's Bruce, swaying from side to side.

11/19/12 [3763]: Hostess® made the ultimate union-busting move on Nov. 16: shutting down the company. Dave has some logos of companies that have gone out of business: Hostess®, Borders® and the Republican Party. ••• "Late Show Helps You Curb Your Thanksgiving Appetite" / video:

(title graphic)

(clip): We see one of those outdoorsy guys eating a gigantic grub worm.

(title graphic)

••• Thanksgiving family gatherings look great on paper, but in reality many dread the event. At last, a major American company has an alternative. / video:
(photos): Thanksgiving travel and meal

(voice-over): "Do you hate the hassles of holiday air travel almost as much as you hate the tedious, awkward Thanksgiving dinner with family? Announcing United Airlines' reluctant traveler service. For a nominal fee, we'll book you on a pretend United flight, with a plausible flight number, gate number and arrival time you can tell your family. Then, at the last minute, 'Oh, no!' Your flight's been cancelled!"

(photo): stranded guy at home, shrugging

(voice-over): "You wanted to be there, but what can you do? United Airlines: WE GET IT."

••• Is Barack Obama using mind control on people, as some people in Georgia believe? Yup. Here's proof. / video:
(presidential debate clip)

(Mitt Romney, at a debate): "My plan has five basic parts: One, get us independent... North American energy independent. That creates about four million jobs..."

(animation): Barack Obama, while listening to Mitt, goes to work on him. His eyes turn into spinning spirals. We hear creepy synthesizer music.

(FX): Mitt Romney no longer is speaking English. His words are now chicken clucks.

(clip): Barack's grinning from ear to ear.

(graphic): CBS News: "We'll be right back," with relaxing Carribean music

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "New for This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade": over five dozen apprehended Macy's shoplifters in handcuffs and leg irons ••• desk chat:
Dave has things happen to him that don't happen to other people. He has a story about Christmas shopping. He and Sully set out in the car, but he took a wrong turn, and got lost in a pretzel. He stopped somewhere for a potty break. (Meanwhile, Sully found a tree.) Eventually, on the verge of a psychotic event, he found the place he was looking for. Oddly, the store was half dark. A man working there, Larry, or maybe Kenny, was replacing long fluorescent tubes. Well, maybe this wasn't about replacing tubes, because Dave now saw a maze of wires dangling near him. "Kenny" said, "Mind the bare wire. I like working hot."
••• [On Nov. 14, an audience guy in the front row of the balcony urped on several people in the seats below, right in the middle of Paul Rudd's Broadway play, Grace, at the Cort Theater, 138 West 48th St.] / Paul's here to present the Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Paul Rudd's Mind When an Audience Member Vomited During His Broadway Show. / #9: "Not my worst review." ••• Jessica Biel plugs Hitchcock. She tells about her recent marriage to Justin Timberlake, and encountering nekkid Austrian guys in a hot tub. She and her friend were seeing everything. To me, this brought to mind Justin Timberlake's music video for Saturday Night Live, "D  k in a Box." ••• Pete Townshend ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund ••• more Pete Townshend ••• Phillip Phillips sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/20/12 [3764]: monologue: "Did you hear the good news, ladies and gentlemen? Crack dealers are now selling Twinkies™." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a man of the cloth. ••• Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade promo / video:

(past parade clips)

(voice-over): "This Thursday, enjoy a celebrated holiday institution: the 86th annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Scheduled to appear are Whoopi Goldberg, chef Sandra Lee, Mannheim Steamroller and former NBA star Christian Laettner. But tune in anyway! The disappointment starts at 9! Only on NBC."

••• "Late Show Helps Curb Your Thanksgiving Appetite" / video:
(title graphic)

(product photo): Tag Away®

(photos of skin tags)

(voice-over): "Tag Away® works on all skin types, and is safe for even your most-sensitive areas."

(title graphic)

••• Gov. Chris Christie pulled for the people of New Jersey after Hurricane Sandy, and he worked with President Obama. He was on Saturday Night Live over the weekend. Yesterday he testified before a Senate subcommittee. Did you see his testimony? Here he is on MSNBC's Morning Joe. / video:
(Gov. Christie): "...Republican governors. And one of the reasons you have 30 Republican governors..."

(sets a turkey on the table in front of him)

(Gov. Christie continues): "... in America, and why we're the only organization to add Republican strength."

(starts adding spices to the carcass)

(Gov. Christie): "House lost members... Senate lost members... we lost the presidency... we went up from 29 to 30 Republican governors, is because people see us getting things done."

(smears a stick of butter all over the carcass)

(Gov. Christie): "Like this. Getting things done for people. And that's what we have to emphasize and talk about. I don't think this is a core philosophical examination we have to go through. What this is... is about doing our jobs."

(graphic): MSNBC logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Yesterday evening, Dave, Regina and Harry went to the Steak 'n Shake, next door to the Ed. Harry said he wanted French fries. While waiting on the fries, a guy comes up to Dave and asks if he's Larry King. Dave informed him that he was, in fact, Mr. King, and posed for a picture to prove the King fan's good fortune. Dave laments, "I've been on television since I was 19 years old!"

  2. Today is Regina's birthday. Happy birthday!
••• Brad Keselowski, NASCAR Sprint Cup champion, is onstage to present the Top Ten Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be a Race Car Driver. ••• Amy Poehler plugs Parks and Recreation. ••• We have a call on the 1970s DAVE phone. It's our old friend, Jeff Altman, as Karl Rove. Here we go.
(Dave): "Hello, Karl. How are you?"

(Karl): "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. God, no! You've got to be kiddin' me, Bud."

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Karl): "Look, just beat it, OK?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Karl? Are you there, Karl?"

(Karl): "Uh, yeah. Sorry, Wolf. It was just the paperboy."

(Dave): "Right. Now, uh, I can't thank you enough for joining us. Tell us... now that you've had some time to think about it... why do you think you lost the election?"

(Karl): "Look, Bud, look. The election isn't over. Hell, the polls are still open in two districts in Guam."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Karl, hollering across the room): "Ask Dick Morris to get me some coffee."

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, uh, as objectively as you can, tell us how you think the votes broke down demographically, between the candidates."

(Karl): "Well... well... well... Obama got women, African Americans, Latinos, gays, lesbians, African American lesbians, immigrants, blue collar workers, union members, karate instructors, senior citizens, government employees, Scientologists, sports enthusiasts, model railroaders, private pilots, park rangers..."

(Dave, interrupting): "And, and, and... what about Romney?"

(Karl): "Romney just had a dumptruck full of money, and that hoohaw, Paul Ryan."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Karl): "Boy, I tell ya, I'd like to slap him sleepy."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Karl): "Oh, God. I don't know what I'll do. I'll never get that money back!"

(Dave): "Yeah. OK, now, Karl... if you can hang on for just one more second here, can you describe specifically the financial arrangement that you had with donors like Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers?"

(Karl): "Oh, yes. I... I... I... I can get very specific. They told me if I don't deliver, I'm a ghost! Poof! Gone! Get it, Buddy?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, are you worried about this?"

(Karl): "You bet! I'm scared hairless!"

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Karl): "That's why we've gotta win this thing. Listen to me. Two words: Take America back!"

(Dave): "Right. But you realize... you realize that Mitt Romney has conceded defeat, and the election is over."

(Karl): "What? May... may... may... may... may... may... may... may... may... maybe it's just a bad dream. Listen, you don't know where I could get $400,000,000, do you?" (moaning now) "Oh, God. All that money! Oh, no! My ass is grass!" (sobbing)

(Now Jeff goes into his Lt. Len Easton of the California Highway Patrol routine.)

(Jeff): (unintelligible) "419, we have your home surrounded. Come out with your hands up."


(Jeff, to dispatch): "Two Lincoln. I think I've got a shootout on my hands."

(Dave, laughing): "Alright. Well, good luck!"

(dial tone)

(Dave): "Karl Rove, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund ••• Josh Hutcherson plugs the remake of Red Dawn. ••• Tegan and Sara (Quin) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/21/12 [3765]: Hostess went out of business on November 16. Here's an announcement. / video:

(Freeplay music: "Endless Motion")

(clip): Hostess products in a grocery store

(voice-over): "If a deal is made between striking bakers and management, production would resume of Hostess's most-famous products, including Twinkies™, Ding Dongs™, Ho Hos™, Sno Balls™, Zingers™, Yub Yubs™, Chocologs™, Oopers™, Jimbleynibs™, Wing Wangs™, Q-Zerps™ and Wingly Wingly Chim Cham Zippy Woo Woos™. Hostess: 'Uh-Huh!' "

••• Dave saw a weird ad for a Black Friday sale. / video:
(clip): Mitt Romney on the campaign trail

(voice-over): "Mitt Romney losing the election may be bad news for Republicans, but it means low Black Friday prices for you! That's right. The official Romney-Ryan Online Store is offering holiday discounts on bumper stickers, Romney-Ryan pins, khakis, hair products, crooked voting machines, more khakis, yacht wax and mom jeans."

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell (x3)

(voice-over): "The official Romney-Ryan Online Store: 'We Did It!' "

••• The Post Office lost over $15,000,000,000 dollars in the past quarter. It's struggling to survive. / Post Office commercial:
(photo): Thanksgiving family meal

(voice-over): "At this festive time of year, your friends at the U. S. Postal Service remind you: Monday, November 19th is the last day to mail a live turkey for guaranteed Thanksgiving delivery."

(clip): Stagehand Tommy O'Brien is wrestling with a turkey in a shipping box.

(Tommy, to turkey): "Settle down. You're goin' on a trip."

(voice-over): "The U. S. Postal Service: 'We deliver live poultry for you.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Ah, childhood memories of being taken to the department store to sit on the giant turkey's lap!" ••• In tonight's desk chat, Dave introduces video from this year's Late Show staff Thanksgiving dinner. / We see:
  • Sarah Billington, Biff Henderson and Sheila Rogers in the serving line

  • Dave's six sons, Borg, Mott, Blip, Plonk, Joe and Glub, in their matching business casual outfits, in the serving line

  • Gene Szymanski and the shirtless FBI agent in the serving line

  • "Harry" Letterman knocking people's plates out of their hands

  • Gene Szymanski is serving a turkeytini (by squeezing the carcass) to Todd Seda.

  • A creepy intern is fondling a pan full of yams.

  • Shecky is laughing it up with three of his high-priced escorts.

  • Tommy O'Brien is using a paper shredder to carve a turkey.

  • Pat Farmer's siphoning gravy. We're not sure why.

  • Writer Steve Young is reading aloud from the book The 1620s.
    (Steve): "And though it was only a small cut, it became infected, and since there were no antibiotics... he died."

  • Dave's stand-in, in an all-green body suit, is serving staff.

  • animation: Mitt Romney's head has been added to one of the servers, serving rolls.
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "Oh, you know what, ladies and gentlemen? It's time now to check in with Bruce and Linda, the kids who host the Weekend Late Show, and they're gonna tell us what's coming up on Saturday on the Weekend Late Show. Bruce... Linda... take it away, kids."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. First, Bruce and I want to wish you and yours a very happy Thanksgiving tomorrow."

(Bruce): "We hope it's one of your top ten best!"

(Linda): "You are funny! That is clever! On Saturday, we're looking forward to our second annual Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Recap. Grab some leftovers from the fridge, and join Bruce and me as we visit the parade highlights."

(Bruce): "Grab some Tums® while you're at it. All those leftovers! You know every year how the president pardons a turkey? Well, this year our own Wink Wilson is going to follow up on that presidential pardon, and take us to the farm where the lucky bird will live out its lucky life... as long as Wink doesn't get hungry!"

(Linda, laughing): "You stop that! With the holiday shopping season officially begun, and Black Friday behind us, our Weekend Late Show personal shopper, Tony Gertz, will show us some of the amazing bargains you can find on the Internet... from Hong Kong!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus finding a personal injury lawyer, girdles for men, and 'how old is too old to carry a backpack?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Bruce and Linda, ladies and gentlemen."

(note): Bruce was swaying from side to side again tonight.

••• Top Ten Fun Facts About Thanksgiving / #1: No matter how awkward your family's holiday, things will be worse at the Petraeus house. ••• Scarlett Johansson plugs Hitchcock, and shows her tattoos. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for www.nyc.gov/fund ••• Willie Nelson, in a very interesting interview, plugs his book, Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die: Musings from the Road. ••• Gary Clark, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Scarlett Johansson's chest tattoo

11/22/12: REPEAT FROM 10/23/12

11/23/12: REPEAT FROM 10/10/12

11/26/12: REPEAT FROM 10/08/12

11/27/12: REPEAT FROM 11/14/12

11/28/12: REPEAT FROM 11/01/12

11/29/12: REPEAT FROM 10/22/12

11/30/12: REPEAT FROM 11/08/12

12/02/12: David Letterman, along with Dustin Hoffman, Led Zeppelin and Natalia Makarova, were part of the Kennedy Center Honors broadcast that was recorded this Sunday evening in Washington, D.C. The broadcast is to air on December 26.

12/03/12 [3766]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from South Carolina. ••• outside cam: The marquee has been replaced with a new, larger model. It now proclaims: "Late Show with Kennedy Center Honoree David Letterman with Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra." Oops. Gravity works its magic on the supersized marquee. It crashes to the sidewalk. We see sparks and smoke. Dave asks Nancy Agostini if there was somebody under there, then he checks his pretend earpiece. "Oh... I'm being told they're dead." On the bright side, the newly-deceased person wasn't an entertainer... just a regular person. ••• "Past Kennedy Center Honorees Over the Years" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "1979. Ella Fitzgerald: achievement in jazz vocals. 2006. Steven Spielberg: achievement in film directing. 2011. Joe Theismann: achievement in prostate health."

(Joe): "My prostate was givin' me fits!"

(title graphic)

••• "Programs We Should Cut to Avoid the Fiscal Cliff" / video:
(title graphic)

(female voice-over): "The plan to make Mount Rushmore tell 'Yo mama so fat' jokes."

(George Washington speaks from Mount Rushmore): "Yo mama so fat, when she gets on a scale it says, 'Hey... one at a time!' "

(Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln, in unison): "Ohhhhh!"

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Programs We Should Cut to Avoid the Fiscal Cliff.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dave thought everything went very well with the Kennedy Center Honors last night, until he turned on CNN today and saw this. / video:
(Kennedy Center Honors clips)

(voice-over): "Some of America's most-beloved entertainers were honored by the Kennedy Center in Washington, D. C. over the weekend."

(outside): We see civil disobedience in progress, and police with riot shields.

(voice-over): "Not everyone was pleased with the selections, however, as thousands turned out to protest the inclusion of David Letterman. The group was led by celebrity activists George Clooney and Daryl Hannah. Alex Freeman, CNN."

(clips of the rascally celebrities' arrests)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave takes some time to make his case that he'd not be honored by the Kennedy Center without the work of his staff over the years. He says that several, including Paul and Biff, went along with him and his family. Dave does mention that many of his staff, although still working with him, are disgruntled. [Just wondering... have we ever heard of anyone being gruntled?]

  2. Dave, Regina and Harry made the rounds in Washington, D. C. over the weekend. Dave tried to set up Harry with talking points for the President of the United States. The planned topic was the families' doggies. Harry tells Barack Obama about Sully killing a deer on October 30. The president wondered if Sully is a wolf.
••• Kennedy Center honorees, the Led Zeppelin dudes, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones, visit with Dave. After their interview, we see an extended clip from one of their concerts. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• John Krasinski plugs Promised Land. ••• Paloma Faith sings (if that's what you call it). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/04/12 [3767]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from Pace University (whatever that is). •••

Alright! It's the Late Show's first Christmas tradition of the season, in which the newly-transplanted tree at 30 Rockefeller Plaza meets with some sort of disaster. / video: Al Roker and partner count down the lighting. Several thousand lights come on. We see the weird naked guy statue under the tree. Seconds later, the tree's engines ignite. Liftoff! The tree departs for the moon, where it crashes. Immediately the moon disintegrates.
••• The Stage Deli, 834 7th Avenue, closed on Nov. 29 after 75 years. It had menu items named for celebrities, and Dave recites a few, including Ernie Anastos. / video:
(Fox 5 WNYW clip from 2009)

(Ernie Anastos to Nick Gregory, the weatherman): "It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick."

(Nick): "I guess that's me."

(Ernie): "Keep      in' that chicken."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. "Television is a dead medium." Kids have other electronic devices now. Over the weekend, Dave saw a guy driving, smoking and texting. Pretty good!

  2. In the last few years that television will be in existence, Dave wants to create a nexus between the show and viewers, so we can "celebrate the universal position of mankind on this soon-to-be-burned-out cinder." Dave takes a bow after that gem.
••• Joe Grossman and his wife are expecting a baby. Joe comes out to tell about attending birthing class.
(CBS Orchestra plays Joe's theme song)

(Dave): "OK. What were you like as a kid, by the way?"

(Joe): "Pretty much what you'd expect."

(Dave shows a picture of a morose Joe next to his sixth birthday cake.)

(Dave): "That's cute. Alright... what happened at birthing class last night?"

(Joe): "Hold on." (He digs his little joke notebook out of his pants pocket, then spends 15 seconds poking around in it.)

(Joe): "Found it."

(Dave): "OK. Take it away."

(Joe): "Bacteria is deterred from passing into the cervical canal by the mucus plug."

(FX): the Late Show "yes" bell

(Dave): "Get out!"

(As usual, Joe doesn't know where to exit.)

(Alan Kalter): " 'What Joe Learned in Birthing Class This Week' is brought to you by Totino's Pizza Rolls™. Ah, that time-tested flavor of Totino's™! Back to you, duck face."

••• English royalty William and Kate have announced there will be a royal baby this summer. / Top Ten Least Likely Names for the Royal Baby
  1. Mitt
  2. Hosni
  3. Zsa Zsa
  4. tie: Kim/Kourtney/Khloe
  5. Gomez
  6. Kenny
  7. Quizno
  8. Shemp
  9. Whoopi
  10. Kim Jong Windsor
••• Matt Damon plugs Promised Land. ••• Martin Freeman plugs The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. ••• JD McPherson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

12/05/12 [3768]: Do you ever see something and ask yourself, "What was that?" This happened to Dave last night while watching the CBS Evening News. / video: Scott Pelley, while reporting on tax rates, has a little pony walk right in front of him. ••• Mitt Romney needed something to do, having lost the election. He's rejoined Marriott. / video:

(photo): a Marriott hotel

(voice-over): "Marriott International is pleased to announce that Mitt Romney is rejoining our board of directors. As a Marriott guest, you'll benefit greatly from Mitt's ability to guide long-term success in an increasingly complex business environment. Plus, for an extra $20 per night, he'll watch you sleep."

(Photoshop fun): We see Mitt bedside in a darkened hotel room, carefully watching a guest as he snoozes and snores.

(voice-over): "Marriott®: Where Sophistication Meets Comfort."

••• Dick Cheney will write a memoir about his multiple heart attacks, artificial heart and heart transplant, to be published in 2013. Dave claims the book will be entitled, I Survived Five Heart Attacks, and So Can You. Someone else will pen a book about surviving being shot in the face by Dick Cheney. / Will Lee, for the first time since 6/11/12, does his "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. He's still gettin' it done. ••• Here's a brand new segment: "For the Love of God, Open Your Eyes." / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip from Hardball on MSNBC): We see Rep. Barney Frank responding to an interview question for a full 20 seconds with his eyes closed.

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I used to think I understood the boundary between soup and stew. Now I don't know anymore." ••• interruption: We hear a loud siren outside. Dave says, "Wait a minute. My ride's here." •••
We visit Rupert in Hello Deli. He reports that business has just been decent, because of the sink hole on 53rd St., not to mention the scaffold above his store. Rupert has something very special for his holiday customers... especially the kids. It's a Santa hat made from deli meats and cheeses. Rupert models the thing, and assures us the food will be recycled into sandwiches. (video)

••• The SPCA in New Zealand got the bright idea to teach rescued dogs how to drive a car. (link) / Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is a Bad Driver ••• Albert Brooks plugs something or other. I wasn't paying much attention. Did you know his real name is Albert Einstein? (IMDB) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave takes a call from Jesus about the fiscal cliff. (OK... you guessed it. It's our old friend, Gerard Mulligan.) (video)
(Dave): "Hello, Jesus!"

(Jesus): "Hello." (Actually, I'm pretty sure he said "Yello.")

(Dave): "Hi. Listen, this is Dave. How're ya doin'?"

(Jesus): "Hi, Dave! How have you been?"

(Dave): "Yeah, good."

(Jesus): "Let me ask you something."

(Dave): "Yeah, go ahead."

(Jesus): "How the hell did Tim Tebow break his ribs?"

(Dave): "I... you know... Jesus, I have no idea."

(Jesus): "Damn!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Now listen, uh... uh... I was trying to remember. Where did you and I originally meet?"

(Jesus): "Mmm. You know... I think... I think Tom Dreesen introduced us, at a celebrity golf tournament."

(Dave): "Oh, yeah... that's right. So, uh, let me get right to it, Jesus. You heard about the fiscal cliff."

(Jesus): "Oh yes."

(Dave): "What... is there anything you... you... and you know I don't ask for favors... often. Is there anything you can do to help us with the fiscal cliff?"

(Jesus): "Why are you calling me? I thought you were Jewish."

(Dave): "No, no. I'm not Jewish. No."

(Jesus): "Oh. Yeah, the last name is very confusing."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Jesus): "Anyway, I'm sorry, Dave. There's not much I can really do."

(Dave): "Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that, Jesus."

(Jesus): "Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute."

(Dave): "What?"

(Jesus): "What if... what if I..."

(Mrs. Jesus, animated): "Who are you talking to? I'm busting my ass in the garage, and you're playing Dial-a-Date?"

(Jesus, hollering): "I'm on a business call, you hag!"

(Jesus, to Dave): "Sorry, Dave. I've gotta run."

(Dave): "OK."

(Jesus): "And by the way. Hey... take the Seahawks at home, minus 10. It's my Lock of the Week."

(Mrs. Jesus): "Hang up the phone!"

(Jesus): "I'm hanging up."

(Mrs. Jesus): "Hang up the phone!"

(Jesus): "I'm hanging up."

(Dave): "OK."

(FX): dial tone

(Dave): "Alright... well... Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. Sounds like he was..."

••• Diana Krall sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: the doggie driving

12/06/12 [3769]: We all know that CBS cares, and what better way for the Late Show to demonstrate that than by running an ad for the new Sanitary Santa Lap Liners™? / video:

(clips): shopping mall Santas and "Deck the Halls"

(voice-over): "The average mall Santa has over 100 filthy, possibly sick, kids on his lap each day."

(photos): Lactobacilli, as well as bacterial cultures on a petri dish

(voice-over): "Do you want your child on that germy, disease-transmitting lap?"

(photo): Sanitary Santa Lap Liners™

(voice-over): "Not without Sanitary Santa Lap Liners™. It's the safe way to visit Santa. Also, try our fake beard deodorant."

(FX): "pssst" of a spray can

(voice-over): "Available at Caldor's."

••• interruption:
Production assistant and Wahoo Gazette publisher, Michael Z. McIntee, comes out with a clipboard.

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Mike."

(Dave, to the North American viewing public): "Look. It's staffer Mike McIntee. Hi, Mike. How's it goin'?"

(Mike): "Hi, Dave, it's me, Mike."

(Dave): "Yeah, I know, I just said that. What are you doin' here?"

(Mike): "Oh, well, I'm selling some holiday crap for my kids' school."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Mike): "Their class is taking a week-long trip to Yonkers."

(audience): giggles

(Dave): "A week-long trip? Wow! That sounds pretty good. Uh, well, what can I do to help? We're in the middle of a show now, you know, so maybe we can talk about this later."

(Mike, to the audience): "Did you hear that, everyone? Dave said to put him down for $1,000!!" (pats Dave on the back) "You're my hero, David Letterman!"

(Dave): mutters a denial

(Mike, to the audience): "Come on. Come on, idiots! Give him an ovation!

(Dave): "Don't call them idiots. That's not..."

(Mike): exits the stage

••• As we learned from yesterday's telecast, the SPCA group in New Zealand is teaching dogs to drive cars, because they weren't burning enough fossil fuels. Naturally, another group is jealous of their accomplishments with the drooling, slobbering dogs, so they're protesting. / video:
(clips): dogs driving cars (in the right seat, since it's New Zealand)

(voice-over): "With the number of dog motorists at an all-time high, it's important to remember the impact of carbon emissions on our environment. So if you're a busy dog on-the-go, consider a more eco-friendly means of transportation,..."

(clips): dogs using alternate transportation

(voice-over): "...such as traveling by bicycle, turtle or robotic vacuum cleaner. A message from the National Message Council."

••• "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / video:
(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on synthesizer)

(voice-over): "Panda colonoscopy."

(Today show clip): panda undergoing a colonoscopy (with sleigh bells FX)

(voice-over): "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells."

(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas")

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and
"By the way, is it okay if I crash at your place this weekend? Trouble at home. Specifically, raccoons."
••• desk chat:
Dave's nominated once again for the People's Choice Award. Last year Dave found out too late to beg and pander. He names the other nominees for the plastic thing: Chelsea Handler, Conan, Fallon and Kimmel. Dave wants to win so 1) he can go pick up the award in California, and take Harry along, and 2) because he won the Kennedy Center Honor over the weekend, and he'd like to win more things.
••• [Turkish plastic surgeon Dr. Selahattin Tulunay is doing 60 mustache implants a month, to help gents look more professional and wise. They're $7,000 a pop.] / Top Ten Other Procedures Performed by the Mustache Implant Doctor / #1: Ass spackling •••
Our good friend, Bill Murray, arrives somewhat unconventionally. / outside cam: The usual black minivan pulls up to the sidewalk. Late Show security guys extract Mr. Murray from the back. His hands are zip-tied, and he has a black hood over his head. Bill's doing quite a bit of whining. Someone clips the plastic ties. There's a brief Tazer session, since Bill's hands are now free, and he is marched inside the studio, as new daddy Gene Szymanski holds the door. Bill stumbles to the stage, where he falls to the floor, partially crippled by the recent application of high voltage to his person. Out of breath, Bill says, "It's nice to be back." He's plugging Hyde Park on the Hudson, about Franklin D. Roosevelt, by the way. Bill gets a 21-minute segment tonight. He has hot cocoa with marshmallows for Dave, and Santa hats, as we see the lighting of the 30 Rock Christmas tree. Bill even has a clip of him monkeying around during a rain delay at a Charleston Riverdogs baseball game. I always look forward to Bill's visits, because you know he'll come with material. He was the first guest on both Late Night and the Late Show for a reason.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Is This Anything?" /
Alan announces guest judge Sue Hum. The act is a female who's wallowing around on the stage floor, while juggling three balls. Paul opines that we're not getting much bang for our buck. Sue agrees with Paul. Dave says any human being can juggle three items, but he liked her dexterity. He declares the act is something.
••• Vintage Trouble sing. Dave called for an encore.

12/07/12 [3770]: monologue:

"You know, everybody's in a good mood over the holidays, and it's just wonderful to experience this, and I'll tell you somethin'. I saw this. This is absolutely true. Comin' to work this morning, I saw two strangers... here in New York City... rarely do you see this: two strangers sharing a cab. It was great. Yup. One took the tires. One took the radio. I think one got the back seat. One got the engine. It was a beautiful thing!"
••• monologue:
Dave goes into an FAO Schwarz® and says, "Yeah, I'm looking for something a nine-year-old would enjoy."

The salesperson says, "What about your TV show?"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

••• "Infomercial Overreaction of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and game show music)

(clip): a man working on his right ear with a Q-tips® cotton swab

(voice-over): "Stop using cotton swabs that can damage your ears."

(FX): big red X

(man): "Yeowwww!!!"

(title graphic and game show music)

••• "Fiscal Crises of the Past" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "1972. The Treasury Department is forced to temporarily halt production of the dime..."

(photo): a nice, shiny 1972 Roosevelt dime, from the San Francisco mint

(voice-over): "...after vandals break into the mint and give FDR an Afro."

(Photoshop fun): FDR has a great big Afro

(music): Isaac Hayes' theme from Shaft

(voice-over): "This has been 'Fiscal Crises of the Past.' Can you dig it?"

(title graphic)

••• "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / video:
(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on synthesizer)

(voice-over): "Eating a giant larva."

(clip): One of those manly adventure/reality guys is seen eating a giant grub worm.

(voice-over): "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• It's a big night. There's no Top Ten, no Bruce and Linda, no desk chat. We go straight to Dave's fellow Kennedy Center honoree, Dustin Hoffman, who's here to plug Quartet, the new movie he directed, which is about retired opera singers. Dustin will get a 21-minute segment. What a career he's had! He has all kinds of stories for Dave, some from his earliest days, trying to get work as an actor. Dustin tells Dave,
"Let me say this. You can't interrupt me. Promise. You didn't think you deserved the award." (Kennedy Center Honors) "You told me that. We had talks about it. You think you're just a comedian... you're just a talk show host, but you're more than that. No person who is in comedy is known for their true value. Charlie Chaplin never got an award for anything he did. No comedy has ever gotten an Academy Award. You are not a comedian. You are not a talk show host. You are a satirist on the level of Will Rogers."
••• The One Direction guys, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson take their places on the giant couch that was placed during the commercial break. Dustin Hoffman sneaks out with them for a minute, kisses one of them and hightails it out of there. ••• Act 5: outside cam to 53rd St., where we see a huge crowd of girls, and two of them holding cue cards that read "GIANT COUCH" ••• One Direction sing. ••• extended commercial break to catch up from Dustin's 21 minutes ••• Dave thanks the band. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of the giant couch

12/10/12 [3771]: opening montage: It's the first time we hear, "...plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra... and me, Alan Kalter!" ••• interruption:

(FX): The Ghost of Monologues Past appears beside Dave.

(Dave): "Whoa!"

(Paul): "What's that?"

(Dave): "Whoa! Did you see that?"

(ghost): "Good eeeevening, David."

(Dave): "Hello."

(ghost): "Look upon me. I am the Ghost of Monologues Past."

(Dave): "Wow! Is this...? Let me guess. Is this one of those lame Charles Dickens Christmas Carol parodies? Is that what this is?"

The ghost, appearing exasperated, sighs and vanishes.

Paul enjoyed the ghost very much.

••• Ever go on the computer and get yourself onto the "YouTubes?" Now the government of Iran has opened their own sanctioned version of YouTube. Here's the first posting. / video:
(clip): We see a YouTube-type interface. A little kitten is in a cup. It looks like it would like to get out, but doesn't seem to know how to go about that, so it just meows.

(meow translation): "Death to America."

(views to date): 524,851

••• interruption: "CBS News Special Report" / video:

(voice-over): "CBS News has narrowed down the music choices for use in special reports about the fiscal cliff. Choice one is this."

(Freeplay music): "Need to Know"

(voice-over): "And choice two is this."

(cartoon music)

(voice-over): "The latter seems too whimsical to me, but some of the higher-ups are insisting on it. More as this develops. Now, back to the CBS After School Special, The Weird Kid Who Could Dance.

(photo): Todd Seda

••• "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / video:
(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on synthesizer)

(voice-over): "Monkey root canal."

(clip): A dentist (we hope) is seen performing a root canal on a monkey.

(voice-over): "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Hey, Santa's making his list and checking it twice! Then a third time, because of the OCD!" ••• Because of the recession, the worldwide loss of money, the Eurozone, China and the fiscal cliff, the Late Show has put together a money-saving segment, "Pat Farmer's Do It Yourself." / video:
(title graphic and theme song)

(Pat and crew greet a young couple in their kitchen.)

(Pat voice-over): "Today we're meeting with Mike and Sarah Connelly of Maywood, New Jersey. Let's see how we can help them, and hopefully you, the viewer."

(Pat, to the couple): "So, how can we help you?"

(man): "Well, we just bought this house, and we really want to make this the kitchen of our dreams. First, we wanted to replace the outdated vinyl flooring with some bright ceramic tile."

(woman): "Yeah, then I was looking to updating the cabinets, and then maybe getting some new stainless steel appliances."

(man): "And then we wanted to change the lighting, install an island in the middle of the kitchen, slap on some marble countertops and put in a really artistic backsplash."

Pat gives them his "are you serious?" stare.

The couple return the stare.

Without a word, Pat and crew exit the home. Another blockbuster episode draws to a close.

(title graphic and theme song)

••• Johnny Manziel of Texas A&M, 2012 Heisman Trophy winner, presents the Top Ten Perks of Winning the Heisman Trophy. ••• Anne Hathaway plugs the latest movie version of Les Misérables. She's gotten herself a new husband. Good luck with that, Anne. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Jake Johnson plugs New Girl. ••• "The President's Own" United States Marine Chamber Orchestra plays an amazing two-song concert, including "Sleigh Ride" and "Marines' Hymn." ••• [Will Lee's in Germany with The Fab Faux. Neil Jason is sitting in.]

12/11/12 [3772]: Dave says we've come through kind of a strange month. Does it feel strange to you? Just watch this strange announcement that Dave brought from home. / video:

(voice-over): "According to the ancient Hebrew calendar, only four days remain in the eight-day Festival of Lights."

(photo): a family lighting a Menorah

(voice-over continues): "And then it's Hanukkapocalypse."

(clips): worldwide devastation

(voice-over): "Prepare yourselves. A message from kooks."

••• Yesterday a little monkey named Darwin was found running around in a child's winter coat outside an IKEA® store in Toronto. I think we all knew the Late Show writers would latch onto a monkey story! Anyway, now another company's trying to move in on IKEA's free publicity. / video:
(clip): Darwin at large

(voice-over): "This winter, make sure your monkey is both warm and stylish when you go out on adventures. Bring your monkey to Burlington Monkey Coat Factory®."

(Photoshop fun): wacky monkey coats (my disclaimer: sometimes being worn by chimps)

(voice-over): "Choose from the latest monkey styles, at prices you and your monkey can afford. Plus, all our coats are generously cut to accommodate monkey diapers. Burlington Monkey Coat Factory®: An educated monkey is our best customer."

••• Dave calls for the clip of the dog driving in New Zealand. / clip ••• "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / video:
(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on synthesizer)

(voice-over): "Eye surgery."

(clip): eye surgery

(FX): sleigh bells

(voice-over): "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Secession Update: Still holding steady at 50 states." ••• Mick Jagger, who first took the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater on October 25, 1964, and several other times with the Stones, presents the Top Ten Things I, Mick Jagger, Have Learned After 50 Years in Rock N' Roll. ••• desk chat: Mick Jagger is cool. •••
The lovely Amanda Seyfried plugs the movie version of Les Misérables. She sings in the movie, and she makes reference to living like a monk while shooting, in order to keep her voice just right. She couldn't drink alcohol, and she had to keep hydrated. Dave happens to ask, "Have you been drinking here tonight?" He already knows the answer. Amanda replies, "Yeah. I'm pretty drunk." Amanda announces that she's had three drinks. Dave inquires, "Are we talking about fermented beverage, or a distilled spirit?" Amanda says, "You know, I'm a big fan of whiskey." She had some Midleton Irish Whiskey (a gift from Russell Crowe) before she arrived. The Late Show staff had some Jameson Irish Whiskey waiting for her at the Ed! Amanda goes on to say, "I have to go on record, saying I've never done a live television show, after noon, um, without some kind of liquid courage." Dave asks, "Now, do you think one day we'll hear that you're in a program?" After the clip, Dave produces a bottle of Jameson, and he and Amanda knock some back. Good times! I'm looking forward to reading the Wahoo, because this stuff didn't look like the usual apple juice. Here's a photo from Twitter.

Editorial comment: I'd known of Amanda for a while, and she turns up in US Weekly often, but hadn't known much about her work. A little research shows she's on everyone's "most beautiful" list these days, and for good reason. She's been a model for most of her life. She doesn't rely on gimmicks like tattoos. I also liked it that she wasn't pretentious or guarded. She just was kind of like, "this is me." Her name is pronounced sigh frid.

••• Joe Grossman and wife are expecting, and he supposedly has birthing class on Mondays. He's back with us to tell what he learned yesterday. Joe takes the stage.
(CBS Orchestra): Joe's theme song

(Dave): "Thank you, Joe. You know, I am so excited for you and your wife. I'm really looking forward to this. By the way, did you see Mick Jagger?"

(Joe): "No."

(Dave): "So what did you do this weekend, Joe?"

(Joe): "I accidentally ate a staple."

(Dave): "You ate a staple?"

(Joe): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, last night was the birthing class, and what did you learn last night at the birthing class, Joe?"

(Joe): "Hold on." (He digs his little joke notebook out of his pocket, then spends a while poking around in it. He's the only thing on CBS right now.)

(Joe): "I found it."

(Dave): "OK."

(Joe): "In the third trimester, some women may experience a localized electrical sensation in the cervix, known as Lightning Crotch."

(FX): the Late Show "yes" bell

(Dave): "Get out! Just get out!"

(As usual, Joe doesn't know where to exit.)

(Alan Kalter): " 'What Joe Learned in Birthing Class This Week' is brought to you by Goya™ dry brown lentils. Goya™ Oh, boya!! Back to you, Dave."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Ballerina Natalia Makarova, one of Dave's fellow Kennedy Center honorees, is Dave's next guest. This does not go well. She struggles with English, and is not exactly the life of the party. The staff should have loaded her up with some Jameson, too. ••• Awolnation sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason's in for Will Lee.]

12/12/12 [3773]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple who are killing time before they leave on their Caribbean cruise. ••• "Cable News Bloopers" is a brand new segment. / video:

(title graphic and Albert Achievement Awards music)

(Tonight's blooper is from CNBC.)

(Glenn Hubbard, former Romney campaign adviser): "That forces the Congress to think about the mix between taxes, spending outside of the entitlements and spending on the entitlements. That's just not something our framers, uh, thought about."

(A mounted CNBC logo, about 2 feet square, lands right on top of Glenn's noggin.)

(Glenn concludes): "We didn't have a welfare state in those days."

(title graphic and Albert Achievement Awards music)

••• "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / video:
(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on synthesizer)

(voice-over): "Field dressing a squirrel."

(clip): a hunter field dressing a squirrel

(FX): sleigh bells

(voice-over): "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells."

(title graphic)

••• As we learned two days ago, the government of Iran has sanctioned a version of YouTube. Here's the first posting. / video:
(clip): We see a YouTube-type interface. A baby, maybe about one year old, is in a high chair.

(daddy): "Death to the great Satan America!"

(baby): has a big laugh over the prospect of Americans kicking the bucket

(views to date, supposedly): 1,983,664

Here's a link to the original YouTube video, which actually has 7,180,497 views!

A new Superman movie, Man of Steel, is opening soon, and Dave has miracled us a trailer of the new blockbuster. / video: Superman being advised to change the world. Apparently this Superman isn't the brightest penny in the bucket. He thinks the way to change the world is to take off in vertical flight, and zip through the atmosphere into space, whereupon he augers into the moon. To conclude the trailer, we see his little red boots sticking out of the surface of the moon.

(graphic): MAN OF STEEL

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a plug: "The official 2013 FDNY Calendar of Heroes is available at FDNYFoundation.org! Proceeds go toward fire safety education, as well as training and development programs for FDNY members. We'll be right back." ••• Dave saw a Christmas special last night. / video:
(background music): "Deck the Halls"

(A claymation-type Santa talks to Mrs. Claus.): "Toys, video games, iPads®... everybody wants something from Santa. I can't take it anymore!"

(Santa addresses the elves in his workshop.) "Christmas is canceled, everyone. Santa's becoming a Jew."

(elves): gasp in shock

(voice-over): " 'Santa Converts to Judaism' will return in a moment."

••• Billy Crystal plugs Parental Guidance, which opens on Christmas day. He's a very good guest. ••• Environmental photographer James Balog plugs his documentary, Chasing Ice. His team has done time-lapse photography on glaciers, to demonstrate global warming, a concern Dave speaks of periodically on the show. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Grizzly Bear sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason's in for Will Lee.]

12/13/12 [3774]: Tonight's audience shout out is to gents from South Carolina, and Dave's going to work them over pretty good. ••• Last night Barbara Walters aired her latest Most Fascinating People interviews. Dave fears that she's gotten a bit confused, having hosted so many of these. / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Coming up on The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2012: Barbara sits down with pop sensation Jerry Vale, sexy politician Ed Muskie, screen heartthrob Joseph Cotton and screen heartthrob Joseph Cotton... right after these messages."

(title graphic)

••• Apple® announced this month that they're going to manufacture some of their gadgets in the United States. / video:
(voice-over): "Introducing the brand new iMac™, now made right here in the United States."

(clip): Todd "Cue Cards" Seda is in his office, riding his iMac™.

(FX): bzzzzzzzt and sparks

(Todd): "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

(FX): Poor Todd is instantaneously vaporized, along with the iMac™, I might add. On the bright side, Todd's loved ones still have his keyboard and mouse to remember him by, as well as his former chair, now empty and spinning slowly.

(voice-over and graphic): "Apple. Made in the USA."

••• "Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / video:
(title graphic and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" on synthesizer)

(voice-over): "A bear falling out of a tree."

(clip): It's that black bear that climbed someone's tree, was shot with a tranquilizer, bounced once on a trampoline below and landed on the ground. (We're being told it's OK.) Here's Craiggers with the play-by-play. (3,070,174 views)

(FX): sleigh bells

(voice-over): "Yes, everything's festive with sleigh bells."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Consider the lowly potato. Okay, that's enough." ••• desk chat:
  1. A guy put up his hand and asked Dave if white socks will ever catch on. (Anyone who's been in the audience knows the pages tell you not to ask Dave about his socks.) This South Carolina resident did anyway. Dave clarifies that his socks are gray, then he informs us that he wears them to irritate us.

  2. Last night at Madison Square Garden, there was a concert with huge names in music, for example: Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Eric Clapton, the Rolling Stones, The Who, Alicia Keys, Billy Joel, Kanye West, Eddie Vedder, Paul McCartney and more. This was a benefit concert to help victims of Hurricane Sandy. To donate:

    call 855-465-HELP

  3. Dave shows a clip of Paul and Adam Sandler singing "Hallelujah" last night. I think I can say with certainty that Adam is the worst singer I have ever heard. At least he can act. Oh, wait...

  4. Now Dave will have a couple of false starts on the TTL. Jerry Foley runs the montage, then Dave goes back to the socks.
    "See, a lot of people get up in the morning and waste, uh, 30 minutes to 45 minutes pickin' out socks. I don't have that problem. I don't have that problem. I'm productive from the minute my feet hit the floor, because I know... my mind is not ablaze with indecision. 'Oh, my God! What kind of socks will I wear today?' I'm ready to go!"
  5. Dave gets sidetracked with Gov. Chris Christie fat commentary, claiming he's up to 600 pounds.
••• Top Ten Signs You're Too Heavy to Be President ••• Jamie Foxx plugs Django Unchained. •••
"Is This Anything?" / The scrim rises to reveal two females dancing around in sparkly, dreidel-like boxes. / Dave says no. / Paul opines that it's fine holiday fare. / Dave changes his vote to yes.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Julie Chen ••• DIIV sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason's in for Will Lee.]

12/14/12 [3775]: Every Christmas season there's a family that overdecorates their house, as we saw Chevy Chase do back in 1989. Who's retired now, and has time for this nonsense? Regis Philbin, that's who. Dave's being told we have live video from the Philbin estate. / video:

(clip): a lovely family home, with lights completely outlining it

(Wait... it's not just lights.): We hear "Jingle Bells," and lights on various parts of the house come on and off in sequence.

(FX): Oh, no! We hear a "bzzzzzzzzz." We see a flash of light from within. Suddenly there is a colossal explosion, and a flash of light like nothing we've ever seen. The house is now engulfed in flames.

Well, I guess the Philbins will be moving in with the Lettermans now.

Hey... if you want to see a real explosion, look at the Dec. 15 implosion of the press box for Kansas State Football, to make way for our $75,000,000 replacement. (video)

••• Jenna Bush Hager is expecting a baby Republican. Because CBS cares, the Late Show has "Parenting Advice for Jenna Bush." / video:
(cutesy title graphic and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "Whatever you do, don't let Grandpa hold the baby."

(clip): We see President George W. Bush with a group of kids, holding a Scottie dog, which he accidentally drops.

(voice-over): "Best of luck, Jenna."

(cutesy baby bedroom photo)

••• Dave feels the need to run the clip of Mitt Romney's dancing horse. He'd asked what happened to the hoss at a morning staff meeting. / "Mitt Romney's Dancing Horse: Where Is He Now?" / video:
(title graphic)

(Photoshop fun): It's Mitt at a lectern on the campaign trail, with the horse by his side.

(voice-over... sounds like Bill Scheft): "After the disappointing loss on Election Night, Rafalca and Mitt drifted apart. Sinking into depression, he started drinking heavily. He began dancing at seedy nightclubs. Rafalca is now living in a trailer park, and is in an on-again, off-again relationship with a moose. He's hoping things will turn around in the new year."

(FX): horse whinny

(voice-over): "This has been 'Mitt Romney's Dancing Horse: Where Is He Now?' "

(title graphic)

(editorial comment): There's one little detail: the horse is female.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, tropical fish owners! They don't love you, and they never will." ••• desk chat:
[Yesterday, a Panamanian woman traveling to Barcelona was arrested when it was discovered she was smuggling cocaine in breast implants. Police hauled her to a hospital, where it was discovered three pounds of cocaine.] Tony Mendez helps Dave with the pronunciation of Spain. / interruption: During Dave's account of this event, Alan Kalter picks up his coat and takes a hike.
(Dave): "Alan... Alan..."

(Alan): "Yeah?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What are you...?"

(Alan): "Well, I'm goin' to Barcelona. Sounds like they know how to party!"

(Dave): "Now, what? That's... That's not what I..."

(Dave, smiling now, and applauding): "How about a nice hand for Alan Kalter? Come on out and take a bow! That was great!"

(CBSO): "That's Entertainment"

Alan motions for his supporting cast (what?) to join him onstage. We see Michael Z. McIntee as a police officer, a cheerleader, and ? as an airline pilot.

Top Ten Least Beloved Holiday Television Specials ••• Samuel L. Jackson plugs Quentin Tarantino's Django Unchained. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen plug the Peabody Award-winning Portlandia (now in its second season on the Independent Film Channel). Dave seems quite taken with the program. ••• Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason's in for Will Lee.]

12/17/12 [3776]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Louisiana. ••• Our world is scheduled to end on 12/21/12 (or did the calendar just stop?). Here's "Mayan Predictions That Have Come True." / video:

(title graphic and reality TV music)

(photo): a Mayan pyramid

(voice-over): "In the 5th Century, the Mayans correctly predicted that Nostradamus would be a blowhard trying to impress babes at parties."

(photos): Nostradamus and a 5th Century "babe"

(FX): thunderclap

(voice-over): "This has been 'Mayan Predictions That Have Come True.' "

(title graphic)

••• monologue: "Here's a useful thing to do. With the end of the world on the 21st, that's a good time to check the batteries on your smoke detector. Also would be a good night for Lindsay Lohan to party." ••• To set up a bogus trailer of the Man of Steel movie that's coming out, Dave sees fit to recite the opening narration of the Superman TV show:
"When I say Superman, does that ring a bell? You know what I'm talking about? Superman came to earth with powers and abilities far above those of mortal men. Superman. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman! Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the American way. Superman."
••• Superman, in the upcoming movie, is going to be edgier and darker. Let's take a look.
(graphic and dramatic music): Warner Brothers logo

(graphics): "2013" and the Superman "S"

(clip): We see actual footage from a show. It's a musical. Superman, prancing around in a room full of gangsters trying in vain to injure him, sings "Don't fool around with Su... per... man!"

(graphic): Man of Steel logo

OK, I did some digging around. This may be footage from a short-lived 1996 Broadway play, It's a Bird...It's a Plane...It's Superman.

••• [On December 9, a rhesus macaque named Darwin was found wandering around an IKEA® store in Toronto, wearing a child's winter coat. It became an Internet sensation overnight. There's even a spoof Twitter account for Darwin.] / Here's "An IKEA Monkey Christmas." / video:
(clips of Darwin's antics)

(voice-over): "Last week, he made headlines after getting lost at a Toronto IKEA®. Now, the IKEA® monkey is back, with an album of all your holiday favorites."

(Photoshop fun): LP album cover, with Darwin's face

(sample tracks, with monkey screeches): "Silent Night," "Deck the Halls" and "Carol of the Bells"

(voice-over): "Now, receive a special bonus track, featuring the Sneezing Monkey."

As "Joy to the World" plays, we see the clip of Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, in "A Monkey Sneezing," as seen at the Late Show staff Thanksgiving party on 11/27/08.

(voice-over): "Available at fine retailers and monkey grooming salons everywhere."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
Dave begins a completely serious, 6½-minute reflection on the Dec. 14 shootings of 27 kids, mostly, at an elementary school in Connecticut. (video) He goes through the various talking points, such as gun control, mental health care, good parenting and President Obama's response to the tragedy. He's hoping to make the point that the problem is multi-faceted, and taking guns away from the people isn't the single answer. Dave reports that since 1994, there have been 70 school shootings. He quotes the president, "No single law, or set of laws, can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society, but that can't be an excuse for inaction." He goes on to quote the president, "Are we really prepared to say that we're powerless in the face of such carnage?" What can you do? Dave then says, "I mean, everybody who's got a kid who goes to school, the schools are having meetings today about 'what can we do?' Well, if a school's having a meeting today about 'what can we do?', to me, that means there might be something they weren't doing." He concludes that if a guy is going to shoot his way into your school, maybe there really isn't anything you can do, but he feels a little better knowing that the president is looking into this.
••• "Top Ten List" Items of 2012 ••• Tom Cruise plugs Jack Reacher in three segments. Tom's son is 17 now, and Dave has a bunch of questions for the more-experienced father. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom's third segment ••• MNDR sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night ••• [Neil Jason is sitting in for Will Lee, who is in Germany.]

12/18/12 [3777]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a man from Texas. ••• Joe Grossman's monkey (supposedly), Sherman, has some major air time tonight. His segments are entitled "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols." He first appeared in a video of the LSDL staff Thanksgiving meal on 11/27/08. (video) Here we go. / "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:

(Christmas song): "Deck the Halls"

(clip): Sherman sneezes in place of one of the "la"s.

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "Angels We Have Heard on High"

(clip): Sherman sneezes at the end of the extended "gloria."

••• Since the world is scheduled to end on Friday, December 21, so sayeth the Mayans, we tune in to The Mayan Channel™ for details and their forecast. / video:
(The Mayan Channel™ logo and elevator music)

(voice-over): "And now, The Mayan Channel forecast.

(weather forecast graphics)

(voice-over): "Thursday: Cloudy, chance of showers, high 39°. Friday: Volanoes, asteroid strikes, Apocalypse. Saturday: Mostly sunny, pleasant, high 44°. Stay tuned for the Mayan Business Traveler Report, up next."

••• Good Things About the Mayan Apocalypse" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "The Mayan Apocalypse will put an end to those disgusting commercials where cartoon bears use toilet paper."

(animated commercial): a cute bear checking his hind quarters with a hand mirror

(female voice-over): "You can't pass inspection with pieces left behind."

(interruption): A massive, apocalyptic explosion cancels the commercial.

(male voice-over): "Thanks, Mayan Apocalypse!"

(Mayan graphic)

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "Deck the Halls"

(clip): Sherman sneezes in place of one of the "la"s.

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman"

(clip): Sherman sneezes after "dismay."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. The holiday decorations in the studio have never been more lovely.

  2. Dave itemizes the Christmas tree decorations: Angelo's pizza, the Empire State Building replica and the giant meatball.

  3. Dave says that besides questions about his socks, people ask most about the origin of the meatball.
••• "The Story of the Late Show Meatball" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): We see a couple dining at Angelo's next door. Suddenly Late Show security boss Bill DeLace shows up. He picks out three large meatballs from the man's plate.

(Bill DeLace): "Thanks, Chief!"

(female voice-over): "This has been 'The Story of the Late Show Meatball.' "

(title graphic)

••• Area department store Santas present the Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves. ••• Paul Rudd plugs his play, Grace. It's running at the Cort Theatre, 138 West 48th St. He also can be seen in a current movie, This is 40. ••• Well, now, this is unpleasant. / outside cam: We see the department store Santas making their way into Flash Dancers, at 1674 Broadway. Good thing it's a gentleman's club! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Alicia Keys interview ••• Alicia Keys plays the piano and sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Sherman Grossman ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee, who's still in Germany.] ••• [Alicia Keys does a live webcast at 8 ET.]

12/19/12 [3778]: David Wells in the audience ••• For the second consecutive night, it's Sherman Grossman in "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols." / video:

(Christmas song): "The First Noël"

(clip): sneeze

••• Sherman realizes that not all viewers celebrate Christmas. Here's Sherman sneezing in "The Dreidel Song." / video:
(music): Cindy Paley with "I Have a Little Dreidel"

(Sherman): another big sneeze

••• Mayan Apocalypse announcement / video:
(clip): pavement buckling in an apocalypse-struck neighborhood

(voice-over): "To warm everyone up for Friday's Mayan Apocalypse, the main event will be preceeded by several mini-apocalypses. The fun begins at dawn, with a Mayan Alpaca-lypse,"

(FX): a screeching alpaca being vaporized

(voice-over): "followed by a Mayan Chewbacca-lypse,"

(clip): Chewy does his trademark growl, followed immediately by a shot of earth from space, with our lovely planet being vaporized by a mighty ray beam from space.

(voice-over): "...and the Mayan Stephanopoul-ocalypse."

(clip): George Stephanopoulos on ABC This Morning says, "Thanks for sharing part of your Sunday with us."

(FX): A big light drops right smack on top of George. We're being told he's not OK.

(voice-over): "The Mayan Apocalypse: A Merv Griffin Production."

••• "Good Things About the Mayan Apocalypse" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "After the Mayan Apocalypse, there will be no more commercials that feature talking mucus."

(clip from The After Midnight Show)

(announcer): "Heeeeere's Mucus!"

(Mucus): "We'll be..."

(FX): Mucus is vaporized.

(voice-over): "Thanks, Mayan Apocalypse."

••• You say you want more Sherman? How about Sherman sneezing with the sneezing baby panda? We thought we'd seen it all. Here's Sherman Grossman singing a holiday duet with the sneezing baby panda from YouTube, set to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." / (video) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "In the 4th Century, Saint Nicholas performed miracles, such as returning gifts for full store credit without a receipt." ••• Shannon Eis is back with New Holiday Toys.
  1. Robo Fish are electric fish that kids can put in an aquarium. There are several different fish, and they run on a button battery. $15.

  2. ERTL's John Deere Monster Treads RC Tractor ($100) really gets up and goes, and it will hump a TV camera stand.

  3. Attacknid move like crabs. Up to 1,000 can be synchronized to move together. $100

  4. Helium-filled Hoverdiscs are sort of floating frisbees. $15

  5. Air Hogs Heli Cage uncrashable RC helicopters have rings around them. $45

  6. Hot Wheels Urban Shredder is a rad-looking $300 car that goes 5 MPH. Dave tries three times to knock over the Christmas tree, but can't get it done.
••• Seth Rogen plugs The Guilt Trip, but mostly wants to talk about marijuana. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• John Witherspoon ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

12/20/12 [3779]: preshow troubles: What was that ringing sound? It's still there. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Tennessee who claims to have been to 100 tapings. That's pretty good, since you're only allowed to go every six months. ••• "Good Things About the Mayan Apocalypse" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "The Mayan Apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon."

(clip): Nancy Sullivan in one of the ads for Phillips Colon Health® capsules

(FX): Just after Nancy says "Diahrrea, constipation, gas, bloating... that's me," she is vaporized by a good-sized fuel-air bomb.

(voice-over): "Thanks, Mayan Apocalypse."

(title graphic)

••• "Mayan Predictions That Have Come True" / video:
(title graphic and creepy music)

(voice-over): "In the 5th Century, the Mayans correctly predicted a prominent New York Jets player would fumble after running into his teammates' ass."

(clip): A New York Jets player fumbles after running into his teammate's ass.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Mayan Predictions That Have Come True,' a Division of Dow Chemical."

(title graphic)

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "O Christmas Tree"

(Sherman): a monster sneeze

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "Jingle Bells"

(Sherman): a monster sneeze

••• Here's a beautiful conceptual piece: "The Sneezing Monkey + The Sneezing Baby Panda + The Sneezing Baby Llama"
(Christmas song): "O Come All Ye Faithful"

(critters): awesome sneezes from all

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "On December 25th, Canadians celebrate the birth of Canadian Jesus." ••• desk chat:
  • There was a roaring electronic sound during the preshow questions. Dave feathered the engines, taxiied back to the gate, made some repairs and found that the noise was still there. He took off, anyway.

  • Dave has a fistful of his Late Show dual-eraser pencils for a dude from Tennessee who claims to have been to 100 tapings.
••• Dave says the staff party was last night. / video:
  • We first see Sue Hum, Jerry Foley, Biff Henderson and Todd Seda, minding their own business.

  • What's this? Oh, of course. Two security guys drag a nice young man into the party. Attendance is mandatory.

  • A kid, pretending to be Dave's well-mannered real son Harry, makes the rounds with staff, sucker-punching their plates of food, creating holiday havoc.

  • Huh? Why is Todd Seda eating tinsel? Talk about roughage in your diet!

  • Boiler room scene: It's Bill Scheft and some other Jewish staff members, looking really bored.

  • This is adorable. It's a sour-looking Joe Grossman beside his monkey, Sherman, both in matching sweaters.

  • Alan Kalter, always on the lookout for action, is standing under the mistletoe. Why are there so many blisters and pustules on his face? It turns out it was poison sumac.

  • Did you see this coming? I didn't. Shecky is visiting with a couple beside a Christmas tree. The tree becomes self-aware. It's festive branches encircle Shecky, and tragically kill him.

  • It's Dave, holding a Late Show mug, laughing it up. The real story. Dave's actually in front of a green screen. He's been chroma-keyed in.
••• Top Ten Most Anticipated New Weather Channel Programs ••• The lovely Katie Holmes plugs her Broadway play, Dead Accounts. It's at The Music Box, 239 West 45th Street, between Broadway and 8th Ave. •••
interruption: Jody Ebert from the video editing staff drops by. He says, "Since the world is coming to an end, I wanted to get a few things shared with you." He gives Alan Kalter a big "      you," along with a dramatic flipping-off. Then it's the same treatment for Paul Shaffer. Finally, turning to Dave, he delivers the mother of all negative feedback, the dual flip-off.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for donations to robinhood.org/rhsandy, for Hurricane Sandy relief ••• Jon Bon Jovi interview ••• Jon Bon Jovi sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

12/21/12 [3780]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Bettendorf, Iowa. ••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:

(Christmas song): "O Christmas Tree"

(Sherman): a monster sneeze

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "O Little Town of Bethlehem"

(Sherman): a monster sneeze

••• Hey, are you worrying about last-minute shopping? This can help with shopping throughout the year! / Myrrh Shack® commercial / video:
(photo): three wise men on camels

(voice-over): "Long ago, three wise men came bearing gifts, including Frankincense & Myrhh. Now your gift-giving problems are over, thanks to Myrrh Shack®."

(Photoshop fun): a Myrrh Shack® in a strip mall

(voice-over): "We've got Myrrh candy, Myrrh shampoo, Myrrh cereal, Myrrh sports drinks, Myrrh Tub & Shower Caulk™. Myrrh Shack®: When it's the thought that counts."

••• New research has shown that when men are drunk, they often believe they are better looking than they really are. / Nick Nolte's 2002 booking photo ••• Now here's something that probably makes last-minute shopping harder. / video:
(photo): a very distressed-looking guy, hand on forehead

(voice-over): "Don't stress over last-minute shopping. Get the Gift Card gift card. It's a gift card for a Gift Card. Use the Gift Card gift card to buy any gift card..."

(photos): all kinds of gift cards, like Subway®, Old Navy® and Yankee Candle®

(voice-over): "Get a Gift Card to gift card gift cards? Then use your Gift Card to buy a gift card gift card to buy a gift card."

(photo): stressed guy smiling now, 'cause he's holding an Olive Garden® gift card

(voice-over): "It's just that simple! Purchase a Gift Card gift card at any gift card Gift Cards®. Gift Card gift cards exclude gift cards to Ruby Foo's®."

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "Feliz Navidad"

(Sherman): a monster sneeze

(baby panda): a high-pitched monster sneeze

••• Zero Dark Thirty, about the hunt for bin Laden, opens everywhere on January 11. Dave wanted a sneak preview, so he caught it at the Abbottabad Cineplex. Do we have a shot of it? Nope. It's Jeter's house. (Hey, we hadn't seen it since 2/08/12!)

••• "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols" / video:

(Christmas song): "O Christmas Tree"

(Sherman): a monster sneeze

••• "The Sneezing Monkey, the Sneezing Baby Panda and a Surprise Guest Sing Christmas Carols" / video:
(Christmas song): "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"

(Sherman Grossman): a monster sneeze

(sneezing baby panda): a high-pitched monster sneeze

(TV's David Letterman at his desk): a high-pitched monster sneeze

This segment was made possible by Michael Z. McIntee's "Odd Dave" log, which recorded the random sneeze for possible future use.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I hope you'll join me in wishing for peace on earth! And what the heck, on the moon too. Hey, it's the holidays!" ••• Throughout tonight's show, we'll see greetings from soldiers, far away from home. ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "Now, let's check in... speaking of enjoying the holidays, I don't know if you get a chance on the weekends to watch the Weekend Late Show, but it's tremendous. The show's been nominated for a People's Choice Award, been nominated for the Golden Globes. It's great. We're very proud of it. Let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's comin' up this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and merry Christmas!"

(Bruce): "Ho ho hold on to your Santa hat! What an exciting show we have tomorrow, Linda. Desmond O'Lunney, a local mechanic who restored and maintains his own one-horse open sleigh, will be here with us, and we'll even go for a sleigh ride in the parking lot!"

(Linda): "Dashing through the snow! Wonderful! Of course, the holidays are a time of indulgence in food and drink,..." (Linda looks over at Bruce.) "...like I need to tell you. But if you want to enjoy a festive beverage without unnecessary cholesterol, come with us into the Cookery Nook, where we'll learn how to make eggless nog."

(Bruce): "That's no yolk. And, if you're tired of the same old turkey or ham for Christmas dinner, French chef and famed equestrian, Serge Bonaventura, is here to teach us some traditional ways of preparing horse."

(Linda, delighted): "Well, that's certainly different!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus thoughtful gifts for alcoholics, heartfelt holiday tattoos, and 'Does Santa Claus' obesity set a bad example?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Merry Christmas, kids!"

(Dave, looking over to Paul): "They're idiots!"

••• Top Ten Mayan Excuses •••
For the 14th time, Jay Thomas joins Dave to tell his story about a promotional gig with Clayton Moore, the real Lone Ranger, way back when as a young disc jockey in North Carolina. Jay was opening a car dealership with Michael Martin. After getting herbed-up, they offered Clayton a ride to his hotel. There was a fender bender and almost a fight, and Clayton came to their rescue. (video) Dave calls it the greatest talk show story of all time, and Jay never lets us down.

The next big tradition is the Quarterback Challenge. It goes back to 12/30/98, when Vinny Testaverde was a guest. Dave set up a Quarterback Challenge with Vinny, and neither he nor Dave were hitting. Here's a fun fact. The first challenge was to hit a pastrami sandwich... not a meatball... on the top of the Christmas tree. Jay was in the green room. He faked out Biff and got loose, made his way upstairs to the stage, grabbed a football and nailed that sucker. Now to the present: Dave calls for the Quarterback Challenge. His first throw at the treetop meatball was quite respectable... a near miss. Jay nails it on his second throw, and Dave doesn't even get a chance.

••• Naomi Watts, my favorite, plugs The Impossible, based on the tsunami disaster of 12/26/04 in the Pacific. I love Naomi Watts! ••• desk chat: Dave claims the idea for Jay's Quarterback Challenge was swiped from After Sundown with Rabbi Shmuley Zundell. Rabbis were throwing footballs at a menorah. / video ••• For the 19th time, Darlene Love sings "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." (video) She's accompanied by the usual back-up singers, Bette Sussman on the synthesizer and a small orchestra. Aaron Heick does the saxophone solo in one of those snowfall paperweights. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee, who hasn't made his way back from Germany yet.] •••

For the record, here are Darlene's previous performances of our favorite song:

 1. 12/16/86 on Late Night
 2. 12/23/94
 3. 12/22/95
 4. 12/20/96
 5. 12/23/97
 6. 12/23/98
 7. 12/23/99
 8. 12/19/00
 9. 12/19/01
10. 12/20/02
11. 12/23/03
12. 12/23/04
13. 12/23/05
14. 12/22/06
2007: writers' strike
15. 12/23/08
16. 12/23/09
17. 12/23/10
18. 12/23/11
19. 12/21/12


12/25/12: REPEAT FROM 11/21/12

12/26/12: REPEAT FROM 12/03/12

12/27/12: REPEAT FROM 12/04/12

12/28/12: REPEAT FROM 12/06/12

12/31/12: REPEAT FROM 12/07/12

2008 episode logs       2009 episode logs       2010 episode logs       2011 episode logs

Do you have a question about a Late Night or Late Show episode? Send me an e-mail, and I'll try to help. I have partial logs from Feb. 1, 1982 on, and have logged every show since Dec. 2, 1985. Or, if you'd like the official scoop from Worldwide Pants, Inc., check the Wahoo Gazette archive. You can get Mike McIntee's write-up for every Late Show, starting with August 20, 2001.

Each Friday night, the week's five new logs are pasted into a master file (formatted in html), containing all 3,700+ entries, covering all 18 years on CBS. The file's now at 1132 pages and 5.7 MB.

This episode guide is © David Yoder.
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