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Latest Entry

1/01/14: REPEAT FROM 12/11/13

1/02/14: REPEAT FROM 12/09/13

1/03/14: REPEAT FROM 10/07/13

1/06/14 [3960]: Greetings from Manhattan, Kansas, where the temperature was –3° F at airtime. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Rusty from Savannah, Georgia. He'll get the #6 TTL entry, too, but he doesn't seem too crazy about the attention. ••• The weather outside is frightful. How about live video from somewhere in the Midwest? It's a little Ford, stuck in snow. The driver tries over and over to rock it loose, but doesn't move more than 2". ••• Two ships are stuck in ice near Antarctica... one since Christmas Eve. / video:

(voice-over): "On December 24th, a Russian icebreaker ship became stuck in icy waters off the coast of Antarctica. On January 3rd, a Chinese icebreaker sent to rescue the Russian ship was also trapped in the ice. This week, the United States Coast Guard dispatched its most-powerful, heavy-duty icebreaker."

(clip): It's a fat guy in shorts, jumping into a partially-frozen lake. (YouTube)

(graphic and voice-over): "This has been a 'Late Show Fat Joke™.' "

••• It's back to the stuck car video, with no progress whatsoever. ••• The United States Congress is back on the scene. It's day one after six weeks away. I hope you weren't hoping for civility. / C-SPAN2 video:
(Sen. Mike Johanns, R-Neb.): "Sit down and shut up."

(Sen. Dan Coats, R-Ind.): "Sit down and shut up."

(Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C.): "Shut up!"

(Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill.): "Shut up."

(Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, D-R.I.): "Shut up."

(Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-N.D.): "Put a cork in it."

(Rep. Rick Nolan, D-Minn.): "Jackass."

(Rep. John Carter, R-Tx): "Piece of garbage."

(Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky): "Zip it. Shut your mouth."

(Rep. Jim McDermott, D. Wash.): "Sit down and shut your mouth. You're driving everyone crazy!"

(graphic): C-SPAN

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Remember, 'longitudes' are the ones stuck the the cave ceiling, and 'latitudes' are the ones stuck to the cave floor." / a plug for Red Lobster® ••• desk chat:
  1. Happy new year! (me: We didn't get Dave's resolutions.)

  2. New Year's Eve is celebrated earlier in Canada. Why, Paul? "Early harvest!"

  3. Dave embarks on a review of Ryan Seacrest's Dick Clark New Year's Eve ball drop. Nothing happens. Eventually Ryan goes, "Whoa, look at this crowd!"

  4. Dave: "I've been sayin' this for years, and I'll continue sayin' it as long as the good Lord lets me have this show here on CBS: This ball drop is nonsense. It's nonsense, and there's people... they always say there's a million people down there in Times Square. Maybe there's a million. Maybe there's a thousand. I'm surprised there's a half a dozen."

  5. Here's Dave's proposal. Get that goofball who went up in a balloon (Felix Baumgartner), and have him drop from space on New Year's Eve. Drop that dumbbell! Harry wanted to be waked up for the ball drop, but was disappointed when he saw it.
••• Jerry Foley runs the TTL montage. ••• interruption: Sue Hum shows up at Dave's command module, bundled up in mittens, scarf and fur hat.
(Dave): "Hey, look, ladies and gentlemen, it's wardrobe designer Sue Hum. Hi, Sue. Nice to see you. How're you doin'? You like nice in your little hat."

(Sue): "Thank you."

(Dave): "Cold out there, huh?"

(Sue): "I made a batch of hot chocolate."

(Dave): "Oh, that's great! Thank you very much."

(Sue): "It's made out of 100% real chocolate, with a dash of local dairy milk. Would you like some?"

(Dave): "No. Umm, did you go to Times Square this year?"

(Sue, steamed): "I hope you freeze your nuts off!"

(Dave): "I don't... I don't... I don't know what to say."

(Paul): "Well, there wasn't much that provoked her."

(Dave): "No. That's what I'm trying to... I'll have to look at the tape to see what actually... the problem was there."

••• [Pope Francis called a group of nuns in Spain to wish them a happy new year, but got a voicemail.] / Top Ten Voicemail Messages Left by Pope Francis ••• We have a countdown, then video of Felix Baumgartner jumping from space on Oct. 14, 2012. ••• Lena Dunham plugs Girls. I wasn't interested. ••• commercial:
(Dave): "People ask, 'What is your secret?' Well, I owe it all to a brand-new product, Pills®. Here, take a look." (holds up the bottle) "That's right. Pills®. Are you like me? Do things bother you? Does your stuff hurt? Then that's why you need Pills®. Pills® work when you need them most. But don't just take it from me. Listen to what our celebrity spokesman has to say."

(Dave, turned to a different camera): "Hi. I'm celebrity spokesman David Letterman, and I love taking Pills®! I have no idea how they work, but people tell me I'm much better, and that's good enough for me!"

(Dave knocks back a few M&Ms.)

(Dave, turned back to the "Dave Dorsett" camera): "So, when things just aren't going your way, Pills® can help."

(Alan Kalter): "Pills®, available at your local Walgreens®. Tell 'em Dave sent you!"

••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Pam Narozny, unit manager and Paula Chagares, line producer ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "I've switched from regular soy sauce to low-salt soy sauce." ••• Max Greenfield, of New Girl and Veronica Mars, ends a fun interview by giving Dave a cute Santa key chain. It was made from red and white beads by his three-year-old daughter, Lily. It's quite a nice item, and Dave gives it lots of camera time. ••• Brandy Clark with the CBSO ••• bumper: Felix begins his drop from space. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/07/14 [3961]: It's a late one tonight. I had the Albert Achievement Awards video to work up, and made MP3s of the #AskLetterman tweets theme song for the Audio Archives. ••• Back by popular demand is last night's video of a little Ford, hopelessly stuck on a snowy street. Offhand I don't know how last night's video is live from CBS News, but that's none of my beeswax. ••• New York's new mayor just took office. Here's a brand new segment, "Nice Going, de Blasio." / video:

(title graphic): "Nice Going, de Blasio"

(clip from WTVW 7 News): "Phil Everly of the famed Everly Brothers has died."

(title graphic): "Nice Going, de Blasio"

••• [The Green Bay Packers met the San Francisco 49ers in the playoffs last weekend. It was 3° F at the end of the game, with a wind chill too low to mention in polite company. Hey, Kansas State's Jordy Nelson made a touchdown!] / video: The players' ceremonial dump of Gatorade® on Coach Jim Harbaugh takes an ugly turn. He gets conked on the head with a big orange cylinder of ice. ••• update: The little Ford's still stuck as it can be. ••• monologue:
"I said to my doctor, I said, 'I'm coming down with something,' and he said, 'You know, I've seen your show, and you'd better come up with something.' "
••• Apparently movie tough guy Steven Seagal is going to run for governor of Arizona. / video:
(clip): Arizona scenery

(voice-over): "This election, the people of Arizona want a candidate they can trust to get the job done, and that man is Steven Seagal."

(clip): Steven, in an interview

(voice-over): "Mr. Seagal has a long track record, solving the most challenging issues of today: immigration reform,"

(clip): Steven breaking a bad guy's leg with his bare hands

(voice-over): "small business solutions,"

(clip): Steven throwing a bad guy through a window

(voice-over): "transportation."

(clip): Steven throwing a bad guy off the front of a train locomotive. The poor bastard is instantly gobbled up by the front of the train. And we thought Kim Jong-un's uncle had problems!

(voice-over): "Steven Seagal: leadership you can trust."

••• [According to Internet legend, recently Kim Jong-un fed his uncle and some other guys who crossed him to 150 dogs who had been starved for several days.] We hear the pack of dogs chowing down on the unwanted Un. (Dave forgot to call for the picture of Sully baring his teeth.) ••• I don't watch Downton Abbey. Apparently there are new characters. I've got some serious typing ahead of me. / video:
(title graphic): Downton Abbey

(British guy voice-over): "This season on Downton Abbey, all your favorite lords and ladies are back, like Robert Crawley, The Earl of Grantham, and Violet Crawley, The Dowager Countess." (Hey, it's Maggie Smith... you know, Professor Minerva McGonagall, but I digress.) "But there are even more nobles visiting the estate this season. William Benedict, The Earl of Carthage; Parth Ramington, The Viceroy of Ealing; Winifred Granville-Smith, The Lady of Ipswich; Cavendish Oglethorpe Carter-Campbell, The 14th Lord of Bexley; Sir Edgerton Molesworth Gascoyne-Cecil, The 3rd Marquee of Salisbury; Lady Eliza Petty-Fitzwallace Mandeville-Compton-Hay, The 9th Baroness of Northamptonshire; The Reverend Reginald Roddam Gordon-Lennox Lennox-Gordon, The 9th Vicar of Kingston-on-Bromwich; Elizabeth Margaret Darcy De Heathcoat-Drummond Nevil-Coats Fraser Hamilton, Esq., The 5th Duchess of Wadsworth; and everyone's favorite next-door neighbor, Kramer. This season, on Downton Abbey."

(title graphic): Downton Abbey

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "1970s Cold Weather Tip": "Fill your waterbed with anti-freeze." / Hmm. Alan didn't do a product plug tonight in this slot. ••• desk chat: Dave and Paul didn't get to hear the pack of starving dogs eating Kim Jong-un's late uncle. Dave thought it would be funny to listen in on the screaming, howling dogs disemboweling their lunch. We get 12 seconds of canine hilarity. ••• Here are the latest tweets via #AskLetterman.

  • "Describe the Letterman Christmas." / Dave: "Uhhh... had a great Christmas... had a very nice Christmas. How about you, Paul?" Paul: "Yeah, I had a nice Christmas."

  • "How come no more Mailbags? I miss those letters... you and Paul's responses." / Dave: "I don't enjoy answering questions from viewers."

  • "Dear Dave, did you ever play a sport when you were out at Ball State?" / Dave: "Uh, boy... anybody see that ball game last night? That was unbelievable, wasn't it? The Florida State - Auburn game? You're worried that I'm going to release the dogs, aren't you?" (For the record, Dave did.)

  • Charlie Johnson: "How come #1 on the Top Ten list is never funny?" / Dave: "I don't know. I'm on your side. I've been talkin' about this. You know, the writers up in the booth, have been talkin' to that guy."

  • Hoss Fly @CaptainHossFly: "Will you groom me to be your protege?" / Dave: "Look at me. I can barely groom myself."

  • Thomas Glasius @F4wkez: "Mr. Letterman, why do you always wear white socks?" / Dave: "You know, this is probably the most-asked question over the last 33 years. And for the millionth time, they're not white. They're not white! Get a color TV! You can get a... go out and get a... go to Best Buy, and get yourself a huge, high-definition color TV." (Dave sets a foot on top of his desk.) "Here, look. That ain't white! Those are gray. Those are gray socks. I'm sick and tired of... you know, frankly, I'm sick and tired of answering questions from viewers. But especially about... Here, look." (Dave holds his white shirt cuff next to the gray sock.) "There's white. See the difference? Look at this! I'm 66. Do you think it's easy to do this? It's not easy to do this." (video)

  • born2ride @born2ride: "Merry Xmas Dave and your crew. What was the best gift you have ever received." / Dave: "That would be crack-smoking Mayor Rob Ford."
••• Joel McHale plugs Community. He and the fam had Thanksgiving in France, and he has good stories about them seeing the usual sites. ••• Marv Albert's in. I always look forward to his visits. We just learned today that Marv's going to be inducted into the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association Hall of Fame. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Guess which hand has the coin." ••• Marv has the year-end Albert Achievement Awards. ••• Washed Out sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/08/14 [3962]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Shickshinny, Pennsylvania (pop. 838). ••• Happy 79th birthday to The King... Elvis. "Thanks a lot, Dr. Conrad Murray." •••

Dave, out of nowhere, asks, "How old are you, Roger?" / video: A white-bearded geezer in an orange polo shirt takes an acrobatic, three-inch vertical jump and replies, "I'm over 72, and I feel great!" Oh, right. He's been hawking that contraption that turns you upside down to fix your spine. It's Teeter Hang ups®. There's a cute little monkey in the logo. That little fellow will cost you about $300. Remember Underwriters Laboratories? Yes, it's UL-approved. Ask your inversion therapist if Teeter Hang ups® is right for you. It looks to me like something Kim Jong-un would use on you.
••• "Cold Weather Reminders" / video:
(title graphic)

(photos): winter scenes

(voice-over): "If the sidewalk in front of your home tends to become icy, it is extremely important to install a video camera to record any hilarious falls that occur."

(hilarious fall #1): guy on city sidewalk has legs go out from under him / lands on his side / cartoon music, slide whistle & boing

(hilarious fall #2): same deal, but legs desperately trying to save him, to no avail

(hilarious fall #3): guy falls on snow in an alley, just in front of a car / scene ends before he's squished / rim shot in this one

(hilarious fall #4): guy falls beside two orange warning cones

(hilarious fall #5): a moose falls and gets up

(voice-over): "A message from the National Weather Service."

••• Live from CBS News: It's another car stuck in the snow, rocking it and getting nowhere. This video comes with a gray box to hide the front license tag. Dave: "Why doesn't the guy with the video camera help? Why is the car in the back yard?" •••
Were you aware that our nation is running out of Velveeta®? That's right. It's Hellveeta, Day 2: A Nation in Crisis. Dave: "Velveeta® is... sort of cheese. And if you read the label, everybody loves it. It has like a lot of preservatives... a lot of chemicals. Many are the same they use on Joan Rivers."
••• Governor Chris Christie has been implicated in a plot to tie up traffic on the George Washington Bridge, to put the screws to the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey. Brian Williams reported it tonight. Traffic was all snarled up, almost as bad as when the governor went through the drive-through at an area Arby's®. / CNN video ••• We check in with Roger Teeter again. He's still over 72. ••• This is fun. It's a repeat of the ravenous dogs-eating-Kim Jong-un's uncle sound clip from last night. I'm thinking this may be the "Pie Pan Pounder" clip of 2014. It has real staying power. I made you this awesome MP3 of the Uncle-Dining Dogs. DDY Cares.

"North Korea: Myth & Fact" / video:

(title graphic and dramatic theme song)

(graphic and voice-over): "MYTH: Kim Jong-un's uncle was torn apart by dogs."

(photo): snarling dogs, like Sully Letterman, with sound FX and MYTH stamped onscreen

(voice-over): "FACT: Kim Jong-un's uncle was shot to death... by dogs."

(Photoshop fun): three dogs with assault rifles, with gunplay sound FX and FACT stamped onscreen

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "WIND CHILL? WIND CHILLAX!" / a plug for Energizer® ••• The TTL montage is opened ••• desk chat:
Dave has a story about his mother, Dorothy. She's 92½ now! Recently she was in Florida, visiting Janice or Gretchen. I don't know which. Anyway, she was using a walker with wheels while they were out on a walk. The thing kind of got away from her, and she kinda went almost horizontal when Dorothy stopped walking, but the walker kept rolling. (We're being told she's OK.)
••• Top Ten New Products Featured at the Consumer Electronics Show / #6 is a shout-out to the couple from Shickshinny. ••• desk chat: Dave has more on Dorothy's walker adventure. It was something you might see at Cirque du Soleil. •••
Scarlett Johansson plugs Her. She was a voice actor in the film. Joaquin Phoenix is in it. Dave engages Scarlett in a long discussion about him. Scarlett originally says, "I'd only met him through your show." (Click here if you're not up to speed on what transpired back in 2009.) Scarlett has taken up with a Frenchman, so she and Dave have a visit about Parisiens. Scarlett gets an 18-minute segment, about 10 minutes longer than the usual interview.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Kat Koehler, assistant researcher, with Danny DeVito. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The production of incandescent light bulbs is now banned in the U.S. Whale oil, here I come!" ••• It's the first installment of "Health Beat with Dr. Lou Aronne" since December 6, 2011. / Here's Lou's cold weather advice:
(title graphic)

(Dr. Lou appears in front of a brick wall, like the stand-up comedians have.)

"The polar vortex is upon us, bringing extreme Arctic temperatures to much of the United States. Weather like this is dangerous. It can cause frostbite in minutes. Here's how you can tell if you have frostbite:

  • If you're experiencing clumsiness due to joint and muscle stiffness, you might have frostbite." (rim shot)

  • If you have a slightly painful prickly or itching sensation in your fingers, toes, ears, nose or chin, you might have frostbite." (rim shot)

  • If a fluid-filled blister appears 24 to 36 hours after exposure, and then the area turns black and hard as your skin tissue becomes necrotic, you might have frostbite." (rim shot)

If you're suffering from any of these conditions, contact your physician immediately. Goodnight everybody!"

(closing voice-over by Alan)

••• John Grant sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Audio technician Michael J. Muller sat in on guitar for Felicia Collins.]

1/09/14 [3963]:

[We'll have a bunch of references to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. This morning he held a 107-minute press conference, including his announcement that he'd fired a top assistant for scheming to tie up traffic on the George Washington Bridge in September. (Apparently some e-mails fell into the wrong hands.) This was ill-conceived revenge on the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, who didn't support Christie. If you're reading this five years from now during the Clinton administration, you'll know what all the fuss is about! If a year from now there's no link found to Gov. Christie, his masterful handling of the press conference today will be respected. If evidence turns up to implicate him after his denial today, he may not finish his term as governor.]

I remember when Roseanne Roseannadanna would read letters from a Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey. Those were the days.

••• "Bad News Good News" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Bad news for Chris Christie."

(NBC's Brian Williams): "A traffic nightmare on the world's busiest bridge has spiraled into a full-blown scandal, with the power to damage Chris Christie's political future."

(voice-over): "Good news for Chris Christie."

(Eric Paulsen of WWL-TV 4, New Orleans): It's the world's first automated burrito vending machine..."

(title graphic)

••• Dave calls for more of the 120 starved dogs who ate Kim Jong-un's uncle. (audio x3) Be a part of them when they dine in your area! •••
We've heard Chris Christie say he has nothin' to do with closing the George Washington Bridge. Really? What about that one time? / animation: The portly governor's standing on the double yellow on a bridge. As he sways left to right and back, the bridge sways, too.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I can't believe the fantastic deal I just got on a 2013 calendar!" / a plug for Applebee's® ••• interruption: Dave starts a desk chat. It goes something like this:
(Dave): "What's today's date? 9 or 10? Nine days into the new year, and we have Governor Chris Christie shutting down the George Washington Bridge, and the word..."

(Alan, agitated, interrupts): "That, that, that, that... ghastly red glow..."

(Dave): "What?"

(Alan, completely mortified): "I knew it! It... is... Satan! The Wicked One!"

(Paul): "It is... The Bringer of Destruction."

(Dave, puzzled): "Wait... what? The..."

(Tony): "The Father of Lies!"

(Harold Larkin, appearing behind Dave, pointing at his desk): "The Enemy of Righteousness!"

(geezer, in a black suit and hat, by the guest entrance, pointing toward Dave's desk): "Der Teufel!"

(Anton Fig, holding a torch): "It's The Prince of Darkness... he who avoids the light!"

(Dave, face glowing red for some reason): "You know, this is just my space heater. That's all it is."

(Paul): "Space heater."

(Dave): "Yeah, because it's... it gets a little chilly."

(Paul): "I see."

(Harold, unconvinced): "Evilll."

(Dave): "No, it's just the thing."

(Paul): "Space heater."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Paul): "Well, that is... Let me ask you something, though. Who was the old guy in the bowler hat?"

(Dave): "I think he's in the wrong theater."

(geezer): "Sorry."

(Dave): "Just get out of here."

(Paul): "That's OK."

(Dave): "Just get out of here."

(Paul): "He's backing out. He's backing out. Yeah. He's backing out of the presence of royalty."

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten list. Let's go."

••• Top Ten Highlights of the Chris Christie Press Conference ••• desk chat: Dave wants to know who to blame for the skit about the incursion by the Prince of Darkness. (me): I thought it was pretty great. ••• Paul introduces Michael J. Muller, audio technician, who's in for Felicia Collins on guitar. •••
Anderson Cooper plugs Anderson Cooper 360°. He and Dave begin with Chris Christie's two-hour press conference this morning. Then they try to figure out what on earth Dennis Rodman is thinking when he's palling around with North Korea. Is he a diplomat now? Anderson's theory (and I think he's on to something) is that Dennis isn't aware of much. Last on the agenda is legal weed in some states. Dave asks Anderson if he smokes the weed. Anderson answers in the negative, then mutters "brownies."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay with us for tips on winterizing your internal organs." ••• Bobby Moynihan plugs Saturday Night Live. ••• Will Hoge sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael J. Muller sat in on guitar for Felicia Collins.]

1/10/14 [3964]: [lots of Chris Christie monologue jokes tonight, cashing in on the latest political scandal] ••• "Nice Going, de Blasio" / video:

(title graphic and theme music)

(photo): Velveeta® packages on a store shelf

(Fox 13 story): "Kraft Foods says customers may not be able to find Velveeta® cheese over the next few weeks, due to a shortage."

(title graphic and theme music)

••• dramatic on-screen graphic and music: "Hellveeta Day 4: Society on the Brink" ••• Dave likes Velveeta®. It comes in a brick, and it's good for whittling. He has a two-year supply in his doomsday bunker. ••• Here's a late update from CNN on the Chris Christie GWB scandal. / video:
(clip): Chris Christie and wife at some political gathering

(voice-over): "The Christie administration is under fire for lane closures on the George Washington Bridge. When asked to comment on whether his office was responsible for the traffic jam, Christie said, 'Mmmm. Jam!' "

(CNN logo)

(voice-over): "More on the Christie scandal after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Out of embalming fluid? Try pickle juice!" / a plug for edmunds.com ••• desk chat: A polar vortex escaped from the polar region and swept through the northeast United States. (I guess it's not fashionable to say cold front anymore.) When Dave learned that cold was on the way, he set out a plan to help LSDL staffers. Here's a video showing some of the heroic measures recently taken:

(Dave narrates.)

  • Building engineer George Clarke is burning old show tapes in a pot-bellied stove downstairs.

  • Writer Joe Grossman sticks his head in a small microwave oven in a break room, and lets her rip.

  • We see Rupert Jee in a coat and stocking cap in Hello Deli. He's rubbing his hands to keep warm. Wait. No! Rupert's just put his hands in the Soup of the Day.

  • On the 53rd Street sidewalk is a special warming station for guests: a fire in an oil drum. We see January 7 guests Marv Albert and Joel McHale making good use of the inferno.

  • Now we see some staff people in coats, enjoying hot chocolate in the outer lobby. Oh, here we go again. It's Mr. Drunken Stupor himself, Mayor Rob Ford, charging the lobby and taking out the folding table with an assortment of donuts.

  • In a clip borrowed from November 5, Kathy Mavrikakis walks into Dave's office and finds him flat on his back on the floor. She backs out and hollers down the hall, "Good news, everybody!!! He's dead!!!!" (video)
•••

"Charts and Graphs" /

Ways the current year is written on checks?
   5% '14   15% 2014   80% 2013 2104

Most common new year's resolutions?
   Eat less.   Cut down on cigarettes.   Eat fewer cigarettes.

interruption: It's some sort of game show action. I'm clueless.

If you could be doing anything else for a living, what would it be?
   42% acting   57% playing music  1% drawing dinosaurs instead of bar graphs

Favorite part of the dime?
   38% Franklin Delano Roosevelt   36% torch   26% fondue fountains

Predictions for Rob Ford's future?
   50% lose re-election in a landslide   50% lose his balance and cause a landslide

2014 Winter Olympic events that sound somewhat suggestive?
   41% biathlon   28% Nordic combined   31% freestyle ice humping

When I say "hey," you say "ho!" "Hey!"
   100% "Ho!"

••• Mindy Kaling plugs The Mindy Project, in her sixth visit with Dave. ••• Top Ten Unusual Exhibits at the Baseball Hall of Fame ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Amy Rubin, producer, special projects. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, a heartwarming story about a retired movie ticket taker who still enjoys ripping paper." •••
Our old friend Jeff Altman is here. He'll be in Las Vegas later this month, at Tropicana's Laugh Factory. Jeff has some Richard Nixon impressions for us, but only after he begins his segment with a kick-ass drum solo. Dave and Jeff lament the recent passing of actor-comedian Charlie Hill on December 30. The control room has a bumper for Charlie after Jeff's segment.
••• Red Fang sing. Paul Shaffer accompanied. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael J. Muller sat in on guitar for Felicia Collins.]

1/13/14 [3965]: [We have Chris Christie being investigated by a U.S. attorney, and A-Rod suspended for a year. Comedy gold is on its way.] •••

interruption: Dave gets a text message from Chris Christie: "Time for some giant rabbit problems in West Orange..." / video: Rabbits the size of Shetland ponies storm an unsuspecting town. We watch as one bunny crashes through a living room window and starts gnawing on a lady's neck. She screams quite a bit. Cut. I enjoyed this segment very much.
•••
monologue: "You all know Major League Baseball star Alex Rodriguez, ladies and gentlemen? He's been suspended for 162 games, and boy, I'll tell you... that Alex Rodriguez, I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. He... this guy... has left behind more needles than my Christmas tree."
••• Scott Pelley interviewed Biogenesis boss Anthony Bosch on 60 Minutes last night. Bosch reported injecting A-Rod with performance-enhancing drugs. "So what," you ask? Have a look at the menu. / video:
60 Minutes stopwatch

(Scott Pelley): "What were the various banned substances that he was taking?"

(Anthony Bosch): "Uh, I injected him with human growth hormone, insulation factor 1, peptides, testosterone, estrogen, squid ink, paint thinner, WD-40®, maple syrup, uh... Pert Plus® Shampoo and Conditioner, mustard, dijon mustard, root beer, Aqua Velva®..."

(stopwatch and voice-over): "More things injected into Alex Rodriguez, after these messages."

••• Dave calls for more tape of Anthony Bosch:
(Anthony Bosch): "Uh, brake fluid, baby oil, Tabasco Sauce®, Lysol®, diesel fuel, bathroom caulk, borscht, wood glue, aerosol cheese, fabric softener..."

(Anthony Bosch was played by Joe DeGeorge, Worldwide Pants production accountant. Thanks to Steve Young and Mike McIntee for the information!)

••• Dennis Rodman's been over to North Korea, kissing up to Kimberly Jong-Un. Apparently this is what's led us to the first installment of "North Korean Sports Fans / American Sports Fans." / video:
(colorful title graphic and peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "North Korean sports fans."

(clip): North Koreans watch an event in complete silence.

(voice-over): "American sports fans."

(clip): It's a sports fans blooper reel, with wacky music and even a screaming, nekkid fan.

(voice-over): "This has been 'North Korean Sports Fans / American Sports Fans.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Road Signs Deciphered": "Caution: fulcrums ahead." (It's two people on a teeter totter.) / a plug for Lincoln Motor Company ••• Felicia Collins is back with the CBSO this week. ••• desk chat: Dave mentions his interview with Scarlett Johansson last week, promoting Her. He claims there's already a sequel in the works. / video:
(Her clips)

(voice-over): "From the people who brought you Her, the story of a man who falls in love with an operating system."

(Joaquin Phoenix): "I've never loved anyone the way I love you."

(now Dave, in gray sweatshirt, smiling)

(voice-over): "It's the story of a guy who falls in love..."

(Dave): "I love you so much!"

(voice-over): "...with a bag of pretzels."

(shot widens to reveal the large bag)

(graphic): Dave close-up, with movie title Herr's (a Spike Jonze love story)

(Dave, to the Herr's® pretzels, now holding a bottle of A&W®): "Did you ever meet my friend, Root Beer?"

(voice-over): "In theaters this summer."

(Dave, to Paul, afterward): "That made me sick, and I'm in it!"

••• We hear (or not) from the new chairwoman of the Federal Reserve, Janet Yellen.
(chairwoman Yellen on split screen with Dave): She's ignoring Dave. She's busy counting coins in a little purse.
••• The aforementioned segment begs the question, "What was she injected with?" / "Anthony Bosch" replies: "Brake fluid, baby oil, Tabasco Sauce®..." ••• TTL montage, with an ad by Alan Kalter:
(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten is sponsored by UROclub™, the discreet, sanitary way to relieve yourself on the golf course." (clip of golfer peeing by a tree) "The UROclub™ looks like an ordinary 7 iron, but contains a hidden reservoir that can hold over 3½ quarts of urine! That's twice the volume commonly urinated! Order now, and receive a free privacy towel. Back to you, Frogface."
••• Top Ten Odd Habits of New York Mayor Bill de Blasio •••
Dr. Bill Cosby appears onstage, and sort of dances around for quite a while to whatever the CBSO is playing. Eventually he does about five minutes of stand-up from a chair, about a piñata. After commercial, there's a pretty good interview with Dave about his early days as a student, which looking back wouldn't have suggested that Bill would one day earn a doctorate.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Tom "Bones" Malone, who needs no introduction ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Winter's tough on these old bones. I'm referring, of course, to my collection of human skeletons." ••• Dave gets another Chris Christie text message: "Time for some bee problems in Paramus." / video: We see a lady under attack by several thousand disagreeable bees. (We're not being told she's OK.) ••• Sleigh Bells sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/14/14 [3966]: [It's the end of the year. We're all tired."] ••• "More Bad News for Chris Christie" / video:

(title graphic)

(5 News Healthwatch anchor Kyle Jordan, Charleston, South Carolina): "Tyson's Food is recalling nearly 34,000 pounds of chicken."

(title graphic)

••• "2nd Annual Golden Shalhoub Awards" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(presenter): "And the Golden Shalhoub goes to Tony Shalhoub, Monk."

(title graphic)

••• Dave reminisces about old-time TVs, then claims Samsung has a $150,000 TV. Hmm. Maybe so. Here's a doctored ad for it. /
(Samsung graphic)

(voice-over): "New from Samsung: It's the S9 HD Smart TV, a state-of-the-art media device, now available for only $150,000."

(clips of a family watching)

(voice-over): "Enjoy cutting-edge features, like hand gestures to control your set, voice recognition, and the "Improve Show" button, which takes boring programs and instantly makes them more entertaining."

(actual clip of South African minister of finance Nhlanhla Nene's chair collapsing in a live interview, 2008)

(voice-over): "Only from Samsung."

(Samsung graphic)

(me): The TV does carry a list price of about $45,000.

••• The National Geographic Channel's doing a series on A-Rod.
(clip): lawyers' meeting

(voice-over): "Previously, we believed that Alex Rodriguez's vast team of lawyers solely populated Manhattan in New York City, but recently anthropologists traveled to a never-before-explored island off the coast of Papua New Guinea, and discovered hundreds more of Alex Rodriguez's lawyers, expanding our understanding of just how many occupy earth."

(National Geographic logo)

(voice-over): "More Alex Rodriguez lawyer discoveries, after this."

••• out of nowhere: Dave says, "On your mark. Get set. Go!" / clip: two geezers racing ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, scallion growers! Have you ever considered a mischievous hip hop scallion character called 'The Rapscallion'?" / a plug for DirecTV ••• desk chat: Dave reflects on the good old days with Michael Bloomberg, and now the gigantic Bill de Blasio. Dave wants the tiny mayor back. ••• "A Day in the Life of Chris Christie" / animation, doctored videos, etc.

(Paul has a peppy theme song, adapted from "New Books." It's fast and a tongue twister, so Paul has to have the lyrics printed out.) (.mp3)

  • 8 A.M.: works out with a trainer / FX belly jiggle (with FX squishy sounds so disgusting you'll never be able to unhear them)

  • 8:01 A.M.: cools down from the workout / from 2/24/12: The governor bares his chest.

  • noon: lunch meeting at Benihana / from 9/30/11: A chef chops up his dinner and flings a bite into his mouth.

  • 3:15 P.M.: stuck in traffic jam of his own making / new item: He's in a car, crazy honking all around, spraying whipped cream on his tie.

  • 4:30 P.M.: vows that if found guilty of abusing power in his office, he'll eat his hat / hat picture

  • 4:33 P.M.: eats hat anyway

  • 5:00 P.M.: cancels order for 2016 presidential campaign buttons

  • Dave: "It's the end of the year. We're sooo tired."

  • 10:00 P.M.: discovers wife has closed his side of the bed / Photoshop fun: wife on one side of the bed, traffic cone on the other side / governor nowhere to be seen

  • 11:00 P.M.: falls asleep and dreams of giant meatball / from 10/08/13: It's the governor, naked, swinging on a giant meatball, inspired by Miley, of course.
••• Michael Strahan of Live has a very entertaining visit with Dave about sports. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "TV Trivia": "In 1987, the Supreme Court ruled that Battle of the Network Stars must include participants from PBS." ••• [Earlier this month in Mexico City, Guillermo Reyes was arrested for drunk driving. During the police stop, his parrot in the back seat reported, "He's drunk. He's drunk."] / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Parrot / #7 is a shout out to a lady from Daytona. ••• Jennifer Nettles (of Sugarland) sings. ••• Dave announces that Steve Young's appearance was bumped. ••• Partial credits show Nancy Agostini as a co-executive producer now. ••• We close with a vintage clip Steve Young apparently had ready:
(70s woman holding coffee cup): "Now let's all take a coffee break in the lower lobby, near the pool. Please be back in your seats in 20 minutes."

(me): I can't figure out how or where this would have been used.

1/15/14 [3967]: [Dave announces that yesterday marked 14 years after his quintuple bypass. He shows a stock clip of a bypass operation.] ••• [Dave then announces that today marks five years since Sully Sullenberger landed the Airbus on the Hudson River. Here's video of the crew's Late Show appearance.] ••• We all know by now about Chris Christie's George Washington Bridge scandal. Democrats have had theirs, too, which brings us to "Democrats' Bridge Scandals." / video:

(voice-over): "In 2011, Anthony Weiner was caught sending inappropriate videos of a drawbridge."

(clip): An unfortunately-shaped little drawbridge rises to about a 60° angle to allow safe passage of a boat.

(FX): slide whistle

(voice-over): "This has been 'Comedy We're Not Proud Of.' "

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Hey... remember Governor Chris Christie? He gave the State of the State speech in Trenton yesterday. The Late Show has picked out highlights. Yes, it's "Late Show Unfair Edit" action. Here we go:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Governor Christie): "I / shrank / by over 20%. / But / I / remain / the largest / human / in America."

(Republicans in the audience rise to applaud.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Tech Tip": "To avoid harmful computer viruses, never open e-mails." / a plug for Kellogg's Special K® ••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Muskogee Phoenix, Muskogee, Oklahoma: city editor: "A Checotah man was rescued Tuesday after he was found wet and naked south of Muskogee in a guitar case."

  • The Greenville News, Greenville, South Carolina: state/local: "A 34-year-old woman stabbed her fiancé on Christmas Day after they argued over what colors should be used in their wedding."

  • The Daily Camera, Boulder, Colorado: advertisement: "This Mother's Day, Crist Mortuary will give a FREE Apple Pie to the first 50 families who come into the mortuary, between 12 PM - 2 PM."

  • The Arizona Daily Star, Tucson, Arizona: headline: "Police seeking man who ran over himself" / "...determined to avoid the traffic stop, the man climbed out the passenger window of his moving vehicle, but 'his foot got caught in the window and he was pulled under the car and the back tire ran over him.' "

  • The Fulton Sun, Fulton, Missouri: classified: "Electric chair, hardly used, good condition, various positions, $1800."

    Dave and Paul get into quite a discussion about Fulton. Dave says "probably named after the man who invented the steamboat." (Yup.) Dave assumes Fulton is on the Mississippi River or the Missouri River. (Nope.) (About this time, you can bet Mike McIntee scurries over to the nearest computer to work up a blue card.) Just for fun, Paul suggests that the community was named for Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He and Dave get into a talk about the bishop's weekly show that told you how to weasel out of going to hell.

    Then there's Old Sparky, which back in the day was a favorite talking point of Dave's. For example, we have a monologue reference from 1/10/12, "Dave enjoys the electric chair FX gag (Old Sparky buzzing and dimming lights) a couple of times tonight. "More juice!," Dave exclaims. On 12/09/11, Dave was joking about Governor Rick Perry. He mimicks throwing the switch on Old Sparky. The lights come up and down, over and over, and we hear the sizzling as the prisoner cooks.

    Yes, Mike did make a last-minute blue card for Dave on Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, and the conrol room got a photo. Now, where were we?

  • The Pioneer, Big Rapids Michigan: headline: "Turkey found walking the streets" / "...for now, the turkey will stay with local businessman Pat Currie." (The reporter suggested that the turkey invasion could have been a college prank.)

  • The Mesabi Daily News, Virginia, Minnesota: (story, with photo, about a statue being put up): "We're gonna have an erection." (Dave let us read the caption for ourselves.) Dave remarks about this community having the name of another state. Well, what about Virginia City, Nevada, home of the Ponderosa? What about Kansas City, Missouri?

••• desk chat: Dave shows a photo of Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, giving a chalk talk on TV. (Paul nailed the fact that his program was on the Dumont Television Network. It ran from 1951 to 1957.) ••• Kevin Hart plugs Ride Along. ••• [The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have announced that the nation's drunkest city is Fargo, North Dakota.] ••• Top Ten Slogans for the Drunkest City in America ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Al Norwood, long-time audio man. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I've got 99 problems, but a showerhead clogged with mineral deposits ain't one." ••• Mo Rocca, host of My Grandmother's Ravioli on The Cooking Channel •••

The Orwells sing. Their segment ends about a minute early. Dave goes over to greet them, then calls for an encore. They just stand there, dumbfounded. After a bit, Paul fires up the CBS Orchestra, and they seem to be covering The Orwells' song.
•••
I was messing with a technical problem tonight. I started my video capture during the opening montage, as usual, but Final Cut Express was capturing in black and white. It's the first time since I got it in 2004 that it's pulled a stunt like that. During commercials, I subbed in another VCR, which provides audio and video to an analog-to-digital converter, that goes to the Mac Pro by firewire. Nothing. Then I realized that only WIBW in Topeka was capturing in B&W. The HD signal was perfect, but K-State Telecommunications also carries a non-HD signal, which is what I have to capture from. I'll talk to their tech guy tomorrow to see if he can do anything. If not, I can't make any more videos of the show. Of all the channels to have a problem with, it had to be the CBS affiliate, and they don't allow Manhattan cable to carry the Kansas City affiliate anymore. At least I have a B&W signal to write the episode logs from (for my three readers).

1/16/14 [3968]: [Today's the 40th birthday of supermodel Kate Moss. Happy birthday, Kate!] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady with a colorful scarf. They're very fashionable this year. ••• monologue:

"I don't know what the weather's like around the country. I hope you had a nice day. Here in New York City, it's warm and cloudy, like Alex Rodriguez' urine."
••• Dave calls for an audio repeat of the Uncle-Dining Dogs, the 120 starved canines who gobbled up Kim Jong-un's uncle a while back. Or not. ••• Remember the George Washington Bridge scandal? What did Chris Christie know? While we're at it, what was Chris Christie like as a kid? How about some good, old-fashioned home movies of him? /
(clip): fat boy with curly hair, chowing down on a bowl of cereal / close-up of him cramming the stuff in his mouth, then drinking the milk from the bowl

(next): Fat boy goes for seconds, but the box of Life® is empty. "I need pancakes," he hollers.

••• The Oscar nominations were announced early this morning. Meryl Streep's up for the 19th time, but that's not why we called you here. Here are the nominations for Best Picture. / video:
(voice-over): "The nominations for Best Picture are: American Hustle, The Wolf of Wall Street, Gravity, The Roofer, Diagnosis Conjunctivitis, Yams of Glory, Not Without My Ostrich, E Pluribus Larry, The Lunchmeat Diaries, Gratuitous Nudity: The Movie, Roman Numerals II and Nut Punchers. Congratulations to all the nominees."
••• [Little Justin Bieber has been accused of throwing eggs at a neighbor's house on January 9. There was felony-level damage, and a search warrant was obtained for his mansion, The Bieberosa, resulting in suspected drugs being found.] The Late Show has borrowed CNN video of a press briefing from the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.
(Sheriff's Office representative): "The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department conducted a search of Mr. Bieber's residence. During that search, we found several dozen eggs. We also found cheddar cheese, green peppers, onions, ham and cocaine. So we made some really, really good omelets. Questions?"

(reporter, off-camera): "Where are the omelets now?"

(Sheriff's rep): "I got 'em right here. Hold on, folks." (starts passing out plates with omelets) "Great omelets! Here you go, guys. Enjoy. Omelets? There we go, fellas. Calm down."

(me): The Sheriff's Dept. rep was played by one of Bill DeLace's security men. I don't know his name. Anyway, this might explain his East Coast accent.

(me, a day later): I Wahooed him. His name is Jimmy Philbin. Thanks, Mike.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder: Tomorrow is the sign up deadline for anyone interested in playing in this year's Super Bowl!" / a plug for Capital One's Quicksilver Card™ ••• This is exciting. On the DAVE phone is embattled governor Chris Christie. It's more "Late Show Unfair Edit(s)" /
(Dave): "Hi, Governor. Thank you very much for taking the time to chat on the phone."

(Governor Christie): "Happy to be back, David."

(Dave): "Uh huh. How, uh... how you been?"

(Governor Christie): "Uh, I'm not gonna sit here and sugar coat the last couple weeks. They've been tough."

(Dave, smiling): "Uh huh. Well, you really have gotten yourself into quite a bit of trouble, haven't you?"

(Governor Christie): "Shut up."

(Dave): "You know, by coincidence, Governor, I was on the bridge the first day of the big traffic tie-up. It... was... horrible!"

(Governor Christie): "Shut up."

(Dave): "OK. Uh... now, I know you won't say whether you'll run for president, but hypothetically, where do you see yourself, Governor Chris Christie, in 2016?"

(Governor Christie): "Dairy Queen."

(Dave): "Well, sure. I know we've been makin' a lot of jokes about you recently. I'm curious. Have you been watching our show at all?"

(Governor Christie, laughing): "I think it's hysterical."

(Dave): "Oh, that's great! Seriously, you think it's pretty funny, then, huh?"

(Governor Christie): "Absolutely not."

(Dave): "Uh huh. So what do you plan to do now?"

(Governor Christie): "I'm going to the Governor's Residence. Gonna go upstairs. Gonna open a beer. Gonna order a pizza, and I'm gonna watch the Mets."

(Dave): "Well, that sounds like a lot of fun, but you realize that it's, uh, it's football season?"

(Governor Christie): "Shut up."

(FX): phone hang-up and dial tone

(Dave): "Governor Chris Christie, ladies and gentlemen."

••• [On Monday, 100-year-old British woman Doris Deahardie got a male stripper for her birthday celebration, and she got the works.] / Top Ten Things the 100-Year-Old Woman Said to Her Stripper / #6 was a shout out to the scarf lady in the audience. •••

Brian Williams is here for his latest visit with Dave. He's the #1 news anchor in all the land. He's friends and neighbors with Scott Pelley of CBS and Diane Sawyer of ABC.

Brian's a native of New Jersey, so Dave asks about the George Washington Bridge shutdown. From this point on, Brian advises, every single thing that's said has to be the truth. He's a Republican governor in a Democrat state. His poll numbers are dropping. Dave thinks that by Labor Day, it'll all be blue, sunny skies for Christie. Re: the governor, we get several reps of "a monkey on a rock."

Brian claims that Allison Williams is on with Jay Leno tonight. (No.) Dave counters that with a call for a picture of Scott Pelley. Never fear, Allison will be on with Dave in a few days.

In the near future, Brian will journey to Russia for the Winter Olympics. Putin has spent $50,000,000,000 in preparation. Dave wants to know if Brian's looking forward to it. He tactfully answers, "It's a global event."

Now for the big question. Will Brian still come on his show when Jimmy Fallon starts the Tonight Show? Dave presses for a choice. Brian says, "I leave that for the viewers of America to decide." Dave points out that Brian has, in fact, been on his show more than on Jimmy's show. Dave wants Brian to interview him on The NBC Nightly News. Then Dave says, "I want to be on with little Jimmy Fallon." (on the Nightly News, that is)

Dave calls for a Regis impression to end the festivities. Brian nails it.

I'm so disappointed that my cable signal flaked out this week, and I couldn't make my usual video of Brian's interview. To my way of thinking, he's a Top Five Late Show guest.

••• Audience Pan after part two of Brian's interview: "When we come back, an exclusive look at which vegetables Hollywood A-listers keep in their refrigerator crisper drawers!" ••• Rosanne Cash sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/17/14 [3969]: [Happy birthday to Betty White. She's 92 today, still working and as funny as they come.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out has something to do with 700 cars. I think you had to be there. •••

veto: Out of nowhere, Dave says, "No. No. No. Tony, no. God almighty!" / Rats! We get a quick look at the offending cue card, but my video capture problems won't quite let me read it. The joke's something about Ford Motor Company and Rob Ford, but Tony's thumb is over the punchline. So much for that. It was crack something. It's none of my beeswax, I guess.
••• The Late Show asks the obvious question with "Findings from the George Washington Bridge Traffic Study." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic theme song)

(graphic and female voice-over): "Will closing three lanes on the world's busiest bridge cause traffic delays?"

(clip): a 12-lane city thoroughfare at night

(FX): lots and lots of honking

(graphic and female voice-over, concluding): "Yes."

(voice-over): "This concludes the George Washington Bridge traffic study."

•••
It's the 50th birthday of Michelle Obama. / Photoshop fun: It's from Nelson Mandela's memorial on December 10, when Barack was yucking it up with Denmark's hot prime minister, Helle Thorning Schmidt, and David Cameron, taking selfies, as Michelle's stern expression says it all. Someone in graphics has added a fun, polka-dot party hat to Michelle. This was before she made Barack switch seats with her.
••• Governor Chris Christie gave his 2014 State of the State address on January 14, and all anyone listening could think of was traffic jams. Mmm... jam. / video:
(Governor Christie, at the lectern): "Last week has certainly tested this administration."

(The governor reaches behind him, and hands a stack of paper to a staffer.)

(Christie continues): "Mistakes were clearly made, and as a result..."

(man behind him shreds the documents / FX: buzzing of the shredder)

(Christie continues): "...and as a result, we let down the people we were entrusted to serve."

(me): This was one of these deals with a politician's head miracled onto another body by the tech and graphics guys.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": " 'Stockholm syndrome' is when hostages bond with their captors, the Swedish supergroup ABBA." / a plug for the University of Phoenix / me: Did you know that ABBA is an acronym for Agnetha, Benny, Björn and Anni-Frid? Oh, you did not. •••

"Charts and Graphs" /

Favorite Baseball Hall of Famer nicknamed after a bird?
   15% Richard "Goose" Gossage
   24% Andre "The Hawk" Dawson
   61% Honus "Chestnut-Rumped Thornbill" Wagner

How did you hear about "Charts and Graphs?"
   10% from a friend
   15% direct mailing
   75% Dr. Phil episode "My wife prefers charts but I prefer graphs"

Common themes of modern rap music?
   40% money
   58% women
   2% classic Wimbledon match-ups

Here's a shout out to my friend Micah White (wearing Dave's red tie), who noticed that Wimbledon was spelled Wimbeldon in the graphic. Also pictured: Dr. Rod Fernandez (Dave's yellow tie) and Bill Lehecka (Dave's blue tie).
Classic pirate flag designs?
   97% skull and crossbones
   3% tibia and pelvis

Sexiest look for Tom Selleck?
   33.3% with mustache
   33.3% without mustache
   33.3% with half a mustache

Favorite Federal Reserve-themed adult films?
   50% Bernanke Panky
   50% Janet's Yellin

Who do you think deserves a beating?
   92% people who correct grammar
   8% Shouldn't it be "whom" do you think deserves a beating?

Most popular kinds of chicken available at the grocery store?
   50% free-range chicken
   50% agoraphobic chicken

What issues might keep Chris Christie out of the White House?
   10% unethical use of hurricane relief funds
   40% traffic scandal
   50% the White House's narrow 19th century doorways

••• Don Cheadle plugs Showtime's House of Lies, and explains notonourwatchproject.org. ••• Top Ten New Breeds in the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show / #4 - stretch dachshund / #2 - Canadian crackhound ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Gary Mintz, technical maintenance supervisor and Bob Fallor, operations manager. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I've had so many relationships break up because we couldn't agree whether it's a 'sofa' or a 'couch'!" ••• Myq Kaplan does stand-up. ••• Roadkill Ghost Choir sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/20/14: REPEAT FROM 12/12/13

1/21/14 [3970]:

Can winter end soon? At airtime, it's 12° F in Midtown Manhattan, NYC, and 18° F at my place in Manhattan, KS. I think the third week of January is the coldest of the year. Here in MHK, we haven't finished melting the 5" of snow we received a month ago, on December 21. We'll see outside shots of a snowy New York throughout tonight's episode.

"El Blizzardo Grande" tonight? No. It's "Polar Vortex XLVII." Dave: "The driving conditions are going to be nightmarish, so be extra careful while texting!"

••• We learned over the weekend that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, 87, is turning over some duties to Prince Charles. / animation: It's the "queen smoking on the Buckingham Palace balcony" gag from 2013. •••
His Majesty Vladimir "Pooty" Putin has announced that gay athletes won't be targeted during the Olympics. Well, I think we saw this one coming down Broadway. (It used to be "coming down Sixth Avenue," but the show's not at 30 Rock anymore.) It's Vlad in the shirtless montage we were treated to from time to time in 2013. (fishing, swimming, doctoring, walking in the woods, hunting, chumming around with a horse, riding the aforementioned horse, fishing again and snuggling with a dolphin)
•••

interruption: Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis, who gleefully (but prematurely) announced Dave's passing on 11/05/13, shows up at Dave's monologue mark. It goes pretty much like this:

(Dave): "It's Kathy Mavrikakis Michalcik. Hi, Kathy. Can I help you with something?"

(Kathy): "Yes, Dave."

(Dave): "Mm hmm."

(Kathy): "Because of the snowstorm, CBS has decided to send all nonessential employees home early. So you can go now."

(audience): thunderous applause

(Dave): "Well, I... I... you know... I would like to leave early, but we're in the middle of the show, and I'll tell you what. I'll leave right after the show. Soon as..."

(Kathy, raising her voice): "Listen! I'm gonna be back in 10 minutes."

(Dave): "Mm hmm."

(Kathy): "You'd better be gone by then."

(Kathy marches off the stage.)

(audience): thunderous applause

(Dave): "I'm pretty sure, as far as CBS is concerned, I'm nonessential whether it's snowing or not."

••• Tonight's audience shout outs are to couples from Denver and Seattle, homes of the Super Bowl teams. ••• How about the trouble in the Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco game over the weekend? / video:
It's 10:06 in the third quarter. The ball's on the 35 yard line. Marshawn Lynch carries it to about the 37. Cut to an NFL referee, who signals a touchdown. Cut to Jim Harbaugh, throwing a fit.
••• Dennis Rodman's back from kissing up to Kim Jong-un, and he's just entered rehab. / Dave has a clip of his interview, released on January 7 by CNN, on the subject of basketball diplomacy. /
(Rodman, hollering): "I'm just saying (bleep), I don't give a rat's ass what the hell you think. I'm sayin' to you, look at these guys here. Look at 'em!" (The whole interview ran over eight minutes.)
••• Don't worry. While Dennis Rodman's taking the cure, this guy will be filling in. It's Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, with Erin Andrews after the Seahawks beat San Francisco. / video:
(Sherman, all riled up and screaming): "I'm the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that's the result you are going to get! Don't you ever talk about me!"

(me): reminds me of the WWF in the 1980s...

••• Governor Chris Christie was inaugurated and sworn in today. Dave: "And the governor was sworn in. He put his right hand on a menu. Immediately following the ceremony, he closed the Holland Tunnel." He looked good at the inauguration, but was a little cocky. / Here's one of the Late Show specials, with the celebrity's head FXd onto an animation.
(Christie, at a lectern): "Now last week, has certainly tested this administration."

(The governor reaches behind him, and accepts a plate of food from a chef.)

(Christie): "Mistakes were clearly made,..."

(The governor accepts a set of silverware.)

(Christie): "... and as a result, we let down the people we were entrusted to serve."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Time Saving Tip": "Running is faster than walking. Save time by running everywhere." / a plug for the GMC Sierra® ••• desk chat:
  1. The beautiful snow will be ugly, gray goop in a couple of days, and it won't go away.

  2. Dave already misses the old days, when little Mayor Bloomberg would disappear in snowdrifts.

  3. Dave produces a bucket of snowballs. He says that late in the summer, he fell off a skateboard and injured a shoulder. He's not able to throw well at all. Nancy Agostini Kim will do the honors, with Aaron Heick's large saxophone as the target. The first throw's off enough that Aaron has to duck. On the second throw, with about a 3" adjustment by Aaron, Nancy nails it! (FX: Late Show "yes" bells) / replay

  4. Dave tries some underhand throws. Aaron adjusts the target instrument a little, and Dave nails the third try. He misses a try at Frank Greene's trumpet. Then Dave's first shot at the saxophone held by Tom "Bones" Malone is money.
••• After the TTL montage, Alan Kalter does a promo.
Alan says, "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by the Adams Novelty Company, makers of popular joke items such as the joy buzzer, the bug in the ice cube and the exploding whale!"

(clip): We see a beached whale technician in an orange jumpsuit, carving on a whale carcass. Whoops! He cut one inch too far. The whale 'splodes! There's guts everywhere! Yikesahooty, that looks unpleasant.

(Alan): "Surprise your friends. A great gag gift! Back to you, Lardass."

(me): I think what happened here is a good reminder for all of us to cut back on plankton.

••• Dave lobs some snowballs at the "Dave Dorsett" camera. Eddie Valk tidies up a bit afterward. ••• Top Ten Recently Adopted Meteorological Terms / #6: a shout out to someone from San Antonio ••• desk chat: Dave doesn't like the dumbbells who do cross-country skiing in the city. Sure as anything, the next day the dumbbell will be seen in The New York Times. ••• A bespectacled Andy Samberg plugs Brooklyn Nine-Nine. ••• outside cam: Andy Samberg's headed home on cross-country skis. We see him at the corner of Broadway and 53rd Street, no doubt headed for Hello Deli. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Send your entries to 'Contest Without a Topic,' c/o the Late Show, 1697 Broadway, New York, New York 10019. Good luck!" ••• Michael B. Jordan plugs That Awkward Moment. / clip: We see him at the age of 10 in a promo for "The Letterman Family" on the July 17, 1997 (I think) Late Show. ••• Ellie Goulding sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/22/14 [3971]: How about some snow jokes?

"No snowplows in New York City. They couldn't get across the George Washington Bridge." "By the way, if you took some wonderful snow photos, and you're thinking of uploading them to the lateshow.com web site, we don't want them." "I'm tellin' you. Last night there was so much white around the city, it looked like a party at the mayor of Toronto's house." "Snow removal crews ran out of salt. You know who I blame for this? That Mayor Bloomberg. He always wanted a low-sodium diet. It's that guy's fault!"
••• Chris Christie was inaugurated this week (and I think we all know just how painful that can be). /

"Chris Christie May I Sit?" / video:

(title graphic and wacky theme music)

(clip from the inauguration): The governor has just stepped away from the lectern. He looks around for a second, then starts to sit down. Just before he lands, another man walks up to the lectern, so the governor rises. The rest of the attendees remain standing. The man at the lectern says, "You may be seated."

(title graphic and wacky theme music)

•••
Here's another instance of cue card destruction. On 2/06/13, Dave used a Rexel® shredder to get rid of a cue card with an iffy joke. Tonight a cue card bearing a joke about Warren Buffet offering $1,000,000,000 for a perfect NCAA MBB bracket goes into a little wood stove onstage by Dave. One of the stagehands comes out soon after with a CO2 fire extinguisher. However, the joke did stick to the tape. I enjoyed this: Below the joke on the cue card, Tony has printed "STOVE." (I hope Al Gore didn't witness that frivolous release of CO2.)
••• Dave tells us that Vladimir Putin is behind all of our Edward Snowden troubles, just for an excuse to show us Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, with Erin Andrews after the Seahawks beat San Francisco. / video:
(Sherman, all riled up and screaming): "I'm the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that's the result you are going to get! Don't you ever talk about me!"

(Dave wants Richard to talk some sense into Vladimir.)

••• Barbara Bush surprised us the other day with news of her affection for Bubba Clinton. / video:
(Mrs. Bush on C-SPAN): "George told me Bill insisted he stay in the bed, and Bill insisted that he was taken care of, and that was really nice. I love Bill Clinton."

(Barbara opens her jacket to reveal "I BUBBA" imprinted on her blouse.)

(Barbara): "Maybe not his politics, but I love Bill Clinton."

(me): I'm not sure how the FX guys pulled this one off. I've seen the original video. It was impressive work.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm not saying you should eat scented candles, but the salted caramel ones really aren't bad." / a plug for kayak.com •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave's hoping for a blizzard for the Super Bowl. The unpredictable nature of weather mixed in... then you've got yourself an event!

  2. From January 8, it's more live video of the car stuck in the snow in Long Island. Two weeks later, the driver still hasn't run out of gas. You have to admire his (or her) determination, don't you?

  3. Janet Yellen's the new chairman of the Federal Reserve. Dave goes to split screen with her in Washington. She ignores him. She's busy looking at documents. I'm not sure how this one made the cut.

  4. It's back live to the stuck car in Long Island.

  5. Dave sets up tonight's TTL with a review of Rob Ford, the crack-loving, stupor-loving mayor. The joke tonight is he's speaking to citizens in a fast food place, but is largely unintelligible.

  6. more Janet Yellen

  7. more stuck car in Long Island (no progress)

  8. more unintelligible Rob Ford

  9. more stuck car in Long Island (no progress, but still gas in the tank)
••• Top Ten Things Rob Ford Might Be Saying in This Video / #6 is an audience shout out. •••
Martin Scorsese plugs The Wolf of Wall Street. I knew he's a legendary director, but didn't know what he's like. I thought he was a fine guest, with a nice sense of humor. Obviously he has endless stories to tell. He explained why Dave couldn't get much out of Robert DeNiro in his interview on 12/17/10. Martin hasn't been on much recently. We did have his eyebrows for Halloween Costumes on 10/31/12 (and on a Mona Lisa painting back in 2007). Martin's last actual interview on the show was on 10/27/99. Ha! Martin played the part of Anton Fig in a "CBS Mailbag" on 6/20/96. Martin's mother, Katherine, made pizza on Late Night on 11/22/91. Of course, there was discussion about his latest film. It turns out there was a great deal of nudity on the set. Imagine that! Now all the teenage girls want to wear plastic glasses like Martin's.
••• "Backstage Photo Club": It's Andrew Evangelista, video editor. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the heartwarming story of an orphaned clam that was raised by oysters." •••
Allison Williams drops by to plug HBO's Girls. OK, she didn't exactly drop by. She just endured a 14-hour flight from Paris, which was diverted to Pittsburgh because of that rascally Polar Vortex XLVII that messed with JFK. Because of customs rules, the passengers couldn't run around in Pittsburgh, so there was even more to endure. I wish Dave would have had more time for Allison, but the interview with Martin was long, and we had to check in on that stuck car so often. Actually, she did get the usual eight minutes, but she's so fun and beautiful, I would have given her the whole show, like Cher's last visit. (Here's a photo of Allison wearing her Martin Scorcese glasses.) We're all in hopes that Brian Williams doesn't catch rabies from feeding that friendly fox that hangs out in their back yard. A truly great newsman, Brian keeps the family up-to-date with lots of home videos of the critter. The next time Allison's on, I want to hear her Regis impression.
••• Cults sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/23/14 [3972]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Colorado. •••

When It Rains, It Pours. A Toronto citizen recorded this YouTube video on Jan. 20. Mayor Rob Ford's holding court in front of the counter at a fast food restaurant, three sheets to the wind, speaking in a Jamaican accent. Dave calls for a translator, so none of us in North America miss Rob's words of wisdom.
••• The Winter X Games are underway in Aspen, Colorado. Check out this promo. /
(action clips)

(voice-over): "Hey, Winter X Games fans, even though Shaun White, The Flying Tomato, won't be participating in this year's games, we'll still have plenty of thrilling action, thanks to competitors like The Airborne Arugula, The Soaring Turnip, The Galloping Rhubarb, The Bolting Bok Choy, The Leaping Cauliflower, The Hurtling Lentil, The Swooping Radicchio, The Flapping Cabbage, The Gliding Asparagus, The Fluttering Bell Pepper, The Towering Yam, The Sizzling Parsnip, The Hovering Habanero, The Flipping Artichoke, The Blistering Rutabaga, The Electric Onion, The Floating Shallot, The Swinging Squash, The Catapulting Pea, The Squatting Spinach and The Aerial Pinto Bean."

(ESPN graphic)

(voice-over): "The Winter X Games on ESPN. Be there!"

(me): That was a good one!

•••

interruption: As the promo ends, we see that costume designer Sue Hum has made her way to Dave's mark. She's all bundled up, and soon she'll be riled up. Here we go.

(Dave): "Oh, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, look who's here! It's our costume designer, Sue Hum. Here she is... Sue. Nice to see you. Boy, it's cold out there now, isn't it? What can I do for you, Sue?"

(Sue, smiling): "I have a nice hot toddy here for you."

(Dave, also smiling): "That's great. Thank you, Sue, but we're right in the middle of the show, and, uh, it's not a good time."

(Sue): "It's very cold out, and this will warm you up."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Sue): "It's made of hot Irish whiskey, wildflower honey, and freshly-ground cinnamon and cloves."

(Dave): "Oh, boy. It really... and I can smell it. It's lovely, but you know, I don't drink. I'm sorry."

(Sue): "Why not?"

(Dave): "Well, in the past, I've had a little problem with overdoing it, so I just don't... it's not for me."

(Sue, steamed): "I hate you, and my family hates you!" (She exits the stage.)

•••
When It Rains, It Pours, Part 2. Little Justin Bieber, 19, got himself and his yellow Lamborghini pulled over by Miami police. Dispatch had put out an All Points Bieber, and officers caught him drag racing. He mouthed off and resisted, and was arrested for being a pain in the ass. (Well, that... and the two cartons of concealed eggs onboard.) Let's review some of Little Justin's troubles:
  • monkey confiscated in Germany
  • insulted Anne Frank
  • took up with some whores in Brazil
  • egged a neighbor's house the other day
  • and today, Lindsay Lohan said, "Well, what's with this guy?"
Dave's tried to talk some sense into Biebs when he was on the show. The distinguished mayor of Toronto wondered, "Is he on crack?" The kid riding in the car with Biebs during the drag race was arrested for DWI (Driving With an Idiot). Who, then, can talk some sense into Justin Bieber? How about the Seattle Seahawks' Richard Sherman? He delivered quite a postgame rant last weekend: "I'm the best corner in the game! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that's the result you are going to get! Don't you ever talk about me!"

I'd put Justin in a room with Patches O'Houlihan for an hour or so.

This wasn't on the show, but have a look at @Joey_Mavaro's citizen photo of Justin Bieber's arrest.

••• Live via satellite (except it's from Jan. 22): It's Mayor Rob Ford, downstairs at Toronto City Hall. There's a bit of pushing and shoving. / CBC video ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "There is an 'I' in the French word for team: equipe." / a plug for Petsmart® ••• desk chat: Dave's back on the topic of Justin Bieber. Dennis Rodman went to rehab the other day. Is Justin due? Dave begged Justin to get a paper route, but how many paper boys drive a Lamborghini? This is the set up for the TTL. ••• Top Ten Justin Bieber Headlines We're Likely to Read / #6: an audience shout out to a 19-year-old model from Seattle •••
Rachel Maddow plugs The Rachel Maddow Show. It's on MSNBC, 'cause she's a Democrat. I don't shop at the Democratic Party, but I find her to be an agreeable and interesting guest, and she has cool glasses. Dave and Rachel discuss Chris Christie's future. Rachel's inclined to think he's finished, but Dave thinks the bridge scandal will blow over by later this year.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I'll fight anyone who says store brand bleach isn't as good as the famous brands!" •••
Spike Jonze plugs Her. Joaquin Phoenix's character falls in love with Scarlett Johansson's digital voice. The film was nominated for an Oscar for Best Picture the other day! Spike wrote the screenplay. It's up for five Oscars, and won a Golden Globe this month. Spike, a first-time guest, takes the opportunity to tell Dave that he loves Dave's show, and has watched it all his life. (Well, not quite. He was born in 1969. His parents called him Adam Spiegel back then.) We all owe Spike a debt of gratitude, because he's the executive producer of Jackass.
••• No Age sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

I wonder if that car's still stuck in Long Island.

1/24/14 [3973]: monologue:

The Grammys will be on CBS on Sunday. / Dave: "Justin Bieber will be there. He's been nominated for Best Rap Sheet. The kid's in trouble. He's got to get a hold of himself. 19... 16... 18... something like that? Arrested in Florida for DWI (Driving While Insufferable). The cops pulled him over, and he failed his Bieberlyzer Test."

"Hey! Great news, ladies and gentlemen! Two new flavors of Oreos. How many folks eat Oreos? I mean, really, if you have to pick, that's all the cookie you're gonna need. Am I right... the Oreos? I mean, honest to God. And they've done a smart thing with regard to packaging. They come in a little thing, a little rectangular package, and they have a tear-open cellophane flap or whatever it's made of, and it doesn't just open a little bit. It opens so you can get your whole fist in there and grab ten at a time! Because you're gonna end up eating ten at a time, and now they have two new flavors: cookie dough, marshmallow crisp. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana."

President Obama... he even... President Obama said, 'Hey, not that big a deal, marijuana,' and he said, 'By the way,' the president will make this promise, 'if you like your dealer, you can keep your dealer.' "

••• It's another episode of "Nice Going, de Blasio."
(title graphic and dramatic theme music)

(ABC TV7 anchor from parts unknown): "The Captain and Tennille are getting a divorce."

(title graphic and dramatic theme music)

••• interruption (compliments of Tony Mendez):
(Dave): "OK, Tony, what is this?"

(Tony, with a camera and audio crew beside him): "Oh, this is for my new reality series."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Sure it is."

(Tony): "They follow me around and capture all the drama in my life."

(Dave): "Yeah, that's great. But they're very distracting. Get rid of 'em. Thank you."

(Tony, to the reality show camera): "Can you believe how that diva talks to me? Next time she talks to me that way, I'm gonna slap her fat face!"

(Tony, turning toward Dave): "Alrighty, Mr. Letterman."

••• There's a new movie, Mitt, about Mitt Romney. Meryl Streep was great playing him. / preview:
(clips of Mitt)

(voice-over): "America knows him as a businessman, a governor and a presidential candidate. But now, prepare to see Mitt Romney as you've never seen him before. Tyler Perry's Mitt."

(Mitt in drag, via the show's FX crew): "I will keep America strong, and get America's middle class working again."

(voice-over): "Coming soon, to Netflix."

••• Canada has released an official statement on the indiscretions of Justin Bieber. / video:
(video from his booking)

(voice-over): "In the wake of Canadian pop star Justin Bieber's arrest for drag racing and driving under the influence, the nation of Canada would like to issue this statement."

(It's Rob Ford's drunken Jamaican impression in the fast food restaurant on Jan. 20.) (YouTube video)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tech Tip": "Always wear safety goggles when accessing the Internet." / a plug for H&R Block •••

desk chat:

Dave recognizes the great Will Lee, who's been with Dave and Paul since Day One on February 1, 1982. Will's going to be inducted into the Musician's Hall of Fame on Tuesday, January 28 in Nashville. Also being inducted are Peter Frampton, Barbara Mandrell, Stevie Ray Vaughn & Double Trouble, Jimmy Capps, Ben Keith, Buddy Guy, Velma Smith, Corki Casey O'Dell, Randy Bachman, Mike Curb and Roy Orbison.

Here's a picture I took of Will and my friend Kate Crenshaw on May 14, 2009. His parents lived in my hometown of Manhattan, Kansas for a few years. His dad, Dr. Bill Lee, was a prominent jazz educator.

•••

"New Books"

  • My Life Under the Bus, by former Chris Christie staffer Bridget Kelly

  • Trees Killed to Make This Book, by Sydney Vanderlaite

  • 3M Book of Tape on Tape / (We hear a sample: duct tape being removed from the roll.)

  • Will You Sleep with Me, Attractive Barnes & Noble Sales Clerk?, by Jonathon Margolis

  • Meryl Streep: She's Won Enough Awards, by Dame Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Amy Adams and Sandra Bullock

  • The Harlequin Globetrotters, by Barbara Felicity Von Patten

  • 125 Years of Slow Shutter Speed Action Photography, a book of blurs by National Geographic

  • Wet Presidents, including President Theodore Roosevelt riding a swimming moose in a river

  • Other Former Colleagues Who Piss Me Off, by Robert Gates

  • I almost forgot. I made an MP3 of Paul's "New Books" theme song.
•••
Kevin Bacon plugs Fox's The Following. He and Dave have a long talk about The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Kevin admits that if he's working with an actor he's not familiar with, he looks them up, possibly using The Oracle of Bacon to see if he's supposed to know them.

OK... I appeared as an extra in Hulk Hogan's No Holds Barred in 1989. (I went over to Topeka for the day, and I'm actually visible in one scene.) According to The Oracle of Bacon, Hulk Hogan's Bacon Number is 2. Therefore, if I have this straight, my Bacon Number is 3. I had no idea.

It was an enjoyable interview.

••• Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Donuts ••• Tony Mendez rips some duct tape off a roll. He calls it cue card tape. I don't know. It's white tape. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Natalie Opali, wardrobe supervisor. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "There must be an easier way to find out a city's weather than flying there and hearing the pilot announce it." ••• Pat McGann does stand-up. I thought he had some real good material. ••• Devon Avenue sing. They must be new kids on the block. They're almost impossible to find on the Internet. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/27/14 [3974]:

I always think it's silly when the city commission in Manhattan, Kansas, the Little Apple, renames Moro Street "Broadway" on New Year's Eve. Tonight Dave reports that Broadway in the Big Apple has been renamed Super Bowl Boulevard, in honor of XLVIII in New Jersey. I feel better now.
••• monologue:
"So anyway, Peyton Manning is back. He's 37 years old! Never better, and he says that he'd like to play another season. And I thought, 'Boy, oh boy, don't you hate it when an old guy doesn't know when to quit?' "
••• Justin Bieber's in prison right now. (Pretend, OK?) How's he doing? / CNN video: It's a giant courtyard filled with guys dressed in orange, dancing in unison. / The control room superimposes an arrow on Justin, 100 feet away. He's fine. ••• Pat Farmer shows up by Dave for interruption #0001 of 2014. Here's the play-by-play:
(Dave): "Oh hi, Pat. How ya doin'?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): " Ladies and gentlemen, our stagehand, Pat Farmer. Pat, nice to see you."

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave."

(Dave): "You know, you always do this, but we're right in the show. This is not rehearsal. We're right in the middle of a show."

(Pat): "Uh huh. Well, you know what, Dave? I just wanted to let you know, there are homemade pretzels in the green room." (He holds one up.) "Better hurry. They're goin' fast."

(Dave): "OK. Did you... did you call the Times?"

(Pat, talking with his mouth full): "About the homemade pretzels?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Pat): "No, I didn't."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Pat): "I will, though, if you want."

(Dave): "Yeah. Why don't you?"

(Pat): "Backstage, though."

(Dave): "You baked 'em?"

(Pat): "Well, you know what, Dave? There was a ton of road salt backstage, left over, and I figured, 'Why not use it? Make pretzels!' "

(Dave): "You know, that's... that's great thinking, but the road salt is highly-toxic. It's not just sodium chloride. They mix it up with, like, Strontium 90, and Cesium 134. It's highly, highly toxic. You shouldn't be eating that."

(Pat): "No kiddin'?"

(Dave): "Yeah. In fact, you should be in a hospital right this very minute."

(Pat): "Well, you know, I'm a little busy now, Dave, but after the show, I'm gonna give it a shot. Thank you!"

(Dave, nodding): "Sure. Good luck on that."

•••
Hey, do you enjoy repurposed Charlie Sheen funnies as much as I do? Of course you do! Chris Christie's in a lot of trouble. What'd he do over the weekend to get his mind off the scandals? He had a big Pro Bowl party for the NFL All-Star Game, that's what. Of course, it's just a run-through for his Super Bowl party.

(clip from the Christie residence): We hear heavy equipment back-up beeps. Oh, of course. It's a Metro Guacamole® dump truck. Splat! About seven tons of guacamole are deposited on the Christie lawn.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Today's Level": moderate / a plug for iTunesRadio.com/ArcticMonkeys ••• desk chat:
  1. Paul took Victoria Shaffer to the Grammys in Los Angeles last night. They did the red carpet and the works, including a brief interview at a Grammy's gathering on Jan. 25. (video)

  2. Dave's worked up about Justin Bieber. The last time he was on, Dave touched a brand new tattoo, not realizing it was new and inflamed, and Justin teared up. He sobbed a little, too. Poor little fella. Ever since then, it's been a reign of terror. Dave's come to realize that he doesn't understand kids today.
••• Alan Kalter interrupts the desk chat.
(Alan): "Excuse me, Dave? Dave? David? David? David?"

(Dave): "Yes, Alan?"

(Alan): "Come on."

(Dave): "What is it, Alan? Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen."

(Alan): "I hate to interrupt you, Dave."

(Dave): "Well, that's fine. What's the problem?"

(Alan): "I think you're being a little unfair to Justin Bieber. In fact, he reminds me of another young man who experienced some growing pains, but managed to do OK for himself. You know who that young man was, Dave? Think about it."

(Dave, shaking his head): "No."

(Alan): "No? Well, that young man was you. I did a little digging, and I uncovered this."

(clip from the old days & voice-over): "Coming up on the WLWI News at 6: Republican gains in the Senate may not be so great for President Johnson's Great Society, Don Hein previews the battle between the Chiefs and the Packers in the AFL/NFL World Championship, and the sad tale of local boy, David Letterman, who was arrested for urinating in a mailbox. All that and more, at 6."

(Dave looks down, ashamed.): "Alright, that's great. Thank you, Alan. You've given me something to think about."

(Alan): "Hey, Dave, I've given us all something to think about."

(Alan then mugs for the camera for 25 seconds.)

••• [Last night at the Grammys, Daft Punk won Album of the Year. They've flown over my radar. I guess it's two guys (?) who wear robot outfits all the time. They're on my enemy list, because they beat out Taylor Swift.] ••• Top Ten Names Daft Punk Considered Before Deciding on Daft Punk / #6: an audience shout out: Nana and Doc •••
Louis C.K. plugs his projects, old and new. Dave gives Louis, wearing his usual turtleneck, a bunch of crap for once again not wearing a tie on the big show. louisck.net temporarily got overloaded during his interview. Buy up a bunch of his stuff, to finance a tie for him. Louis likes the idea of being famous, but not too famous. When people start seeing your mug on the side of a bus, they may turn on you.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Tommy O'Brien, stagehand, and once upon a time (2005), the Late Show Bear. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, we'll reveal which of you have been voted off by your fellow home viewers." •••
B. J. Ganum, former Marine sergeant, tells about his experiences as a wounded veteran, including playing on the the Wounded Warrior Amputee football team. Support such projects at:
www.semperfifund.org, and www.woundedwarrioramputeefootballteam.org.

••• desk chat: Dave says Sergeant Ganum had to put on a leg to come on the show, yet Louis C.K. couldn't put on a tie! ••• Arctic Monkeys sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee, who's off to Nashville to be inducted into the Musicians Hall of Fame tomorrow.] ••• [The Late Show's great audience warm-up man, Eddie Brill, missed a show for the first time in 14 years today, as he had a successful operation. Best wishes for a quick recovery, Eddie.]

1/28/14 [3975]: I didn't get tonight's audience shout out, but it was none of my beeswax. Dave says, "Before you leave, I'm going to need your name and postal code." ••• There's Super Bowl fever over that game in another state. It's time for "Good Mascot - Bad Mascot." / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(graphic and voice-over): "Good mascot."

(clip and voice-over): "Miles the Bronco."

(graphic and voice-over): "Bad mascot."

(clip and voice-over): "Crack-smoking mayor Rob Ford."

(We see His Honor beginning a press conference, wearing a red and black team jersey.)

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer and one of those red circles with a slant

(title graphic and voice-over): "See you next time on 'Good Mascot - Bad Mascot.' "

••• Sochi, Russia mayor Anatoly Pakhomov (seriously) has announced that there are no gay people in Sochi. Dave: "The first thing I thought was, 'Well, I guess we can't expect too much from the opening ceremonies, then.' " ••• The United States has advised our athletes to not wear Olympic clothing away from the venue. / Oh, lordy mercy, here we go again. It's His Majesty Vladimir Putin's shirtless reel... all nine of the seductive photos. / Dave: "Now, don't take this the wrong way, but you're tellin' me that guy's not gay?" ••• The Russians don't want any gay activity during the Olympics, and have released this announcement. / video:
(clips of Russians)

(voice-over): "The Russian Federation will not tolerate the promotion of the homosexual lifestyle during the Sochi Olympics. Also, effective immediately, there will be no contact between the Olympic rings. The Russian Federation: 'If it's homosexual, we've thought of it.' "

••• [That nice Pope Francis, along with two kids, released peace doves from a Vatican window on January 26, with tens of thousands watching from St. Peter's Square. Unfortunately, the nice white doves were attacked by ne'er-do-well seagulls and crows.] / The Late Show has video. Certain artistic liberties may have been taken in this presentation.
(clip): Pope Francis has a boy and girl on either side, as we see them at a window above St. Peter's Square. The kids happily release the symbolic doves. Two seconds later, we hear the all-too-familiar sound of peace birds in distress. Splat! There's dove blood and innards all over the Pope's banner and white shutters. It's a total feeding frenzy. Bummer!

(me): Tragic, without a doubt, but not as unpleasant to witness as a shirtless Pooty Putin.

••• OK, back to America. Remember the Seattle Seahawks' Richard Sherman, who laid that amazing rant on Erin Andrews after the NFC championship game on January 19? (Internet wise guys have already done a remix, and have autotuned it, too, just like Rebecca Black's "Fridays.") Now the Late Show writers have done a cute voice-over of it:
(Richard, to Erin): "I'm the coldest guy in the game. When the temperatures drop this far below freezin', that's the result you're gonna get. Don't you ever say I'm not cold!"
•••
Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Name That Molecule": Alan claims it's a molecule of pudding. (Late Show "yes" bell)

It's been 40 years since I've had organic chemistry. Alan's pudding molecule is C5N5H5O, but I don't know what its real name is. The bonds on the atoms are right. Carbon atoms have four bonds, nitrogen atoms have three, oxygen atoms have two bonds and hydrogen atoms have one bond. Every line on the molecule diagram represents a bond. Some of the carbon atoms and nitrogen atoms have double bonds. For example, water, H2O, has two hydrogen atoms (with their single bonds) stuck to one oxygen atom (which has two bonds).


pudding

Tonight's plug was for DirecTV.

•••
Eric Stonestreet plugs ABC's Modern Family, also now all over the place in reruns (30 times a week). I was especially interested in this interview because Eric and I were both born in Kansas City, Kansas, and we're both alums of Kansas State University. Eric usually makes a couple of home football games each year, and he spoke at our Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl pep rally a month ago today.

Jamey Anne, Eric's mother, is in the green room. It's her first visit to the Big Apple. Eric first majored in sociology at K-State, thinking of working in corrections. His home county, Wyandotte County, is next to Leavenworth County. That's where you'll find the famous Leavenworth Penitentiary and Lansing Penitentiary (the state's slammer). Oh, and Fort Leavenworth has a military penitentiary. After visiting those facilities, Eric soon decided to be an actor.

Dave and Eric get into a discussion on KCK vs. KCMO. Kansas City, Missouri is the more populous city. The Kansas City Chiefs and the Kansas City Royals both play in Missouri, just south of I-70. Reliable as always, Dave remembers that Kansas City has a whole lot of fountains. (It's true.) Eric misspoke in saying the Kansas River goes through Missouri. Nope. It flows into the Missouri River at Kansas City. The Missouri River then crosses Missouri to St. Louis, where it flows into the Mississippi River.

Weather's the next topic. Eric's Los Angeles friends advised him to take a coat to NYC. He told 'em, "I'm from Kansas. I'm used to cold weather." Just put on a coat, and you're good. Or stay inside. As I'm typing this in Kansas, it's 4° F. Now to Los Angeles: A TV station teased the evening news with "Lightning in the desert. Details at five."

One final thing: If you follow @ericstonestreet, you'll soon learn that he loves WiFi on his jet rides more than anything (except his K-State Wildcats).

•••
out of commercial, with no set-up: Dave's on split-screen with Mr. Regis Philbin, who's in Chelsea Piers, New York, apparently live, on his Fox Sports show. There's a satellite delay, so the segment has a rough start. The awkward exchange goes on for about seven minutes. The satellite delay wreaked havoc with their usual banter.
••• desk chat after the next commercial: Dave feels badly about how the split-screen adventure went, and is trying to reach out to Regis. Paul tells Dave, "It's another fine mess you've gotten us into." He suggests sending a lemon tree. I'd bring in Pete Fatovich tomorrow, to deliver the standard Late Show apology. •••
Nick Goepper, 19, is an up-and-coming skier from Lawrenceville, Indiana. Earlier this month, he won the gold at the Winter X Games in Aspen, and he's headed to the Winter Olympics. His event, Freestyle Skiing Slopestyle, will be part of the Olympics for the first time. Nick seems like a cool dude. Dave wants him back on the show after he wins. What happened on the Late Show on the day Nick was born (3/14/94)? Aretha Franklin sang and had an interview, Alan King was the other guest, and Dave arranged a manicure for a Flash Dancers doorman.
••• Bastille sing. If you're cool, you're supposed to write their name BΔSTILLE. Their drummer apparently is a regular Late Show viewer. He came prepared for Dave's favorite question, "Are those your drums, or are they rentals?" Have a look at his shirt!

••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee, who was inducted into the Musicians Hall of Fame in Nashville tonight.]

1/29/14 [3976]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Brooklyn. ••• Just because it's awesome, here's last night's makeover of the Seahawks' Richard Sherman's rant after winning the NFC championship game. /

(Richard, to Erin): "I'm the coldest guy in the game. When the temperatures drop this far below freezin', that's the result you're gonna get. Don't you ever say I'm not cold!" (video)
••• New York City's going off the deep end over the Super Bowl. You can go down to Times Square and see the Vince Lombardi Trophy, go on rides and even buy knock-off merchandise. Dave went wanted to get something for Harry. How about a Seahawks player jersey? He gets home with it, then notices it says "Saigon Seahawks." ••• How many of you watched the State of the Union speech last night for the commercials? I was next door at the Coliseum, at our game with Texas Tech, and missed all of it. / Just after the president finished, Joe Theismann delivered the Prostate of the Union address. Joe doesn't mince words: "My prostate was givin' me fits!" ••• Do you like retrospectives? Well, you'd better, because you're about to get one: "The State of the Union: A Look Back" / video:
(title graphic)

(awards show music)

(graphic): "BARACK OBAMA"

(Obama): "It is you... our citizens... who make the state of our union strong."

(graphic): "GERALD FORD"

(Ford): "...that the state of the union is not good."

(graphic): "JIMMY CARTER"

(Carter): "The state of our union... is funky."

(disco music)

(title graphic)

••• interruption: As the music fades out, Sue Hum approaches Dave. Here's your play-by-play.
(Dave turns to notice): "Back then wasn't... Oh, hi! Look, ladies and gentlemen, it's costume designer Sue Hum. Hi, Sue. Nice to see you. Welcome to the show."

(Sue): "You wanted to see me?"

(Dave): "Did I want to see you? No. I'm sorry, did somebody say I was looking for you, because it was a miscommunication. I apologize. We're right in the middle of the show, and in answer to your question, no, I didn't want to see you. But thanks for comin' out, anyway. How're ya doin'?"

(Sue, raising her voice and pointing at our host): "I thought I told you not to ask me about that kind of stuff on camera."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Sue): "Yeah!"

(Dave): "What?"

(Sue fiercely raises and moves her hands, as if to break a stick): "What? I'm gonna break you in half, like a boy!"

(audience): applaud enthusiastically

(Dave): "Sue Hum, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Vladimir Putin has announced that he's not homophobic. He can prove it, because he likes Elton John. The Russians have put together the Putin/Elton Gay Tolerance Meter™. We have a look. It looks more like a video game than a lab instrument. Let's see what we can see.
There's a video screen in the center. On either side of the screen are three colored indicator lights. Near the bottom we see NYET and DA, and a bright red arrow resting at 0°. At the bottom of the screen is a portrait of Vladimir Putin, who's not gay. (If we can't trust the former leader of the KGB, who can we trust?)

(first song, with just Elton singing): The meter's pegged on "DA."

(second song, with Elton in a gray wig, singing): "DA."

(third song, with a guy dancing in what appears to be a Donald Duck outfit): "NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET. NYET."

••• monologue:
"More information on this topic. The mayor of Sochi (good gig), the mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So, the only thing that's flaming now, over there, is the torch!"
••• Now back to the State of the Union address, and "Joe Biden: Itchy?" / video:
(title graphic and wacky music)

(clips): Joe scratches itches over 20 times.

(me): At least the vice-president had the good sense to never scratch with his middle finger. You know... The Finger.

••• Oops! Dave did his promo of David Stern by saying "NBC Commissioner." He caught himself, and corrected it to NBA. I didn't notice until I was writing this for my three distinguished readers. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Time Zone Shout Out": "Hey, Mountain Timers!" / a plug for Energizer Ultimate Lithium® ••• desk chat:
  1. Will Lee's back from Nashville. Dave gives him a shout out on his first full day as a member of the Musicians Hall of Fame. (Not Dave. Will.)

  2. Did you know the British royal family is penniless? Dave says so, anyway. They've done the prudent thing, and will be going commercial. / video: Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II, is in the midst of a televised address to her empire. She's wearing a bright yellow suit. I think it's a pretty classy promotion. She has the Butterfinger® logo on her outfit. Genius!
••• NBA commissioner David Stern presents the Top Ten Things I've Learned in My 30 Years as Commissioner of the NBA Television Network. (Just jokes.) It's a fine TTL. I herewith have stolen the whole thing from Worldwide Pants Incorporated.

10. Dr. J is not a licensed physician.
9. The swish sound is made by a guy standing behind the basket.
8. I could watch a stuck ball get poked with a broom all day.
7. When international diplomacy is required, call Dennis Rodman.
6. I'm the only guy in the league who was Bar Mitzvah'd.
5. No NBA star has ever made a bad motion picture.
4. The lowest paid mascot in the league makes $5 million a year.
3. Moisten needle before inserting.
2. I am an inspiration to short, un-athletic kids everywhere.
1. I hear sneaker squeaks in my sleep.

•••

Drew Brees, quarterback of the New Orleans Saints, has an awesome interview with Dave. Once again, a nice touch: the CBSO plays him on with Seals & Crofts' 1972 "Summer Breeze." I wish I had captured his interview. I'd forgotten what an excellent guest he was on 6/28/12. Prior to that on 2/08/10, Drew got stuck in the Lincoln Tunnel, and was late for his interview. To our knowledge, the governor of New Jersey was blameless in this mishap.

After commercial, Dave says he's disappointed that he forgot to ask Drew some questions. Via Green Room Cam, Drew answers some bonus questions. Drew has three boys, and would let them begin playing in pads in middle school. He says it's important to know about head injuries, etc., and take all due precautions if one is suspected. We also get to hear about The Brees Dream Foundation, which has raised about $17,000,000.

••• "Jeff Tolnick," NFL Historian, is an unannounced guest. In honor of Super Bowl XLVIII, he sings about Roman numerals. We hear, set to music, more Xs, Ls, Vs and Is than we ever knew existed. Are you here for the lyrics? Um, I don't quite have them finished. The singer's real name is Kyle Gordon. He did "Non-Essential Blues" back in October. (YouTube) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Please stay on the line to take a brief customer satisfaction survey. Thank you." •••
B.J. Novak plugs his book, One More Thing. All through his interview, I was trying to figure out where I knew him from. Later, I IMDBd him. B.J. played Pfc. Smithson Utivich in one of my favorites, Inglourious Basterds.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's CBS building engineer George Clarke, who has TV's Paul Shaffer bound and gagged in the basement. ••• Against Me sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

SWEEPS MONTH, JANUARY 30 - FEBRUARY 26, 2014

1/30/14 [3977]: Tonight's multiple audience shout outs are to a couple from Mississippi. ••• The Tiffany Network won't be televising the Super Bowl this year, so they need to counterprogram. What's the plan? / video:

(60 Minutes stopwatch)

(voice-over): "Sunday on 60 Minutes."

(clips and voice-over): "Recreational softball, slow boats, people drinking coffee and playful senior citizens."

(60 Minutes stopwatch)

••• After the State of the Union address, Washington Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers gave the GOP response.
(McMorris Rodgers): "May God guide you and our president, and may God continue to bless the United States of America."

(She covers herself with a fuzzy black thing, and switches off a table lamp.)

(me): The show's getting better and better with its video fakery.

••• interruption by Jay Johnson, Creative Director - Digital Media, as a guy / Jay's all bundled up, and has a toboggan. /
(Dave): "Oh, hey, look. It's a guy out here! Hey, how're ya doin', buddy?"

(Jay): "Hi. I'm here for the toboggan slide."

(Dave): "You know, I was just talkin' about that. That's down on Broadway. Just go straight out the building down Broadway... the toboggan slide down there. They call it Super Bowl Boulevard. That's... that's where it is. That's where the toboggan slide is takin' place. They'll be happy to have you down there."

(Jay, looking around): "Are you sure? This place seems like it's goin' downhill."

(Anton): rim shot

(Dave): "Get out. Just get out."

(Jay exits the premises.)

(CBSO): creative-director-getting-kicked-out musical fanfare

(Dave): "Is they any more bananas?"

(me): I came in in 2nd place in my school's spelling contest in 7th grade because I misspelled toboggan. I wrote it 100 times to punish myself.

••• Pope Francis is on the cover of the latest Rolling Stone. If you think he has a big head now, soon he'll need an even bigger hat. / photo ••• Dave: Justin Bieber's in trouble. He beat up a limo driver, and now he's gotten himself arrested for assault and biebery. ••• Justin's going to the slammer, but not crack-loving future prime minister, Rob Ford. / We see the clip of him not paying attention and walking into a camera. ••• Something caught Dave's eye during the State of the Union address. Let's go to the tape. / video: President Obama is speechifying. Just behind him, as the world watches, Joe Biden gives John Boehner a straight-armed shove. There's quite a commotion as the Speaker crashes and burns. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder": "To make sure you're understood, always say everything in a loud voice, twice." / a plug for Emergen-C® ••• Act 2: CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones, via split-screen from London, visits with Dave about Sunday's Super Bowl. (video) ••• [Earlier today, Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford said on Sports Junkies of that rascally Justin Bieber, "He's a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was as successful as he was."] / Top Ten Pieces of Advice Rob Ford Gave to Justin Bieber •••
Dr. Phil McGraw's back. Over the next 11 minutes, he and Dave will have an interview that's honest, funny and insightful. Through the magic of unnumbered bullets, here are the talking points:
  • Dave, in his best dumb-guy drawl, "Hey, Dr. Phil, could I have some pills?"

  • Dr. Phil says Justin Bieber's "not making the best choices" right now. With all the people around him making huge money to keep him happy and healthy, why does he keep getting in trouble? Dr. Phil says people usually wake up sober. "Why doesn't Justin point at someone and say, 'Your job today is to keep me from being stupid. Don't let me go out and drive a Lamborghini across the mayor's yard or something!' It's hard to take back being stupid!"

  • Dave wonders if there's trouble elsewhere that's being manifested in his antics. Dr. Phil's opinion is, "You've got too much money and too much time, and no accountability. And then you put that on top of somebody that's 19, and so they're flowing 100% testosterone, they're gonna make bad decisions." Phil continues, "The guy needs to get a part-time job or something!"

  • Dave says not every kid in Hollywood stumbles like this, but many do. Dr. Phil says, "They're truly surrounded by people that won't tell them the truth... there's nobody to pump the brakes for them."

  • Dave suggests that Justin might have insecurities behind his behavior. Phil believes he's hanging out with some really out-of-control people. Dr. Phil says, "In Hollywood, all the dancers want to be singers, and all the singers want to be dancers. You get a pop musician, he wants to be a rapper. You get a rapper, he wants to be an actor." "It's kind of like, everybody always wants the other side of the fence."

  • The topic turns to weed. Dave doesn't beat around the bush. "Do you smoke weed?" "I don't. How about you?" asks Dr. Phil. Dave: "I used to, but I don't now." Phil: "Why did you give it up?" Dave: "I had trouble with it, because often I'd find myself in front of the freezer, eating ice cream out of the carton." Dr. Phil: "Maybe I do smoke weed, then, because I do end up in front of the freezer with a spoon a lot!"

  • After commercial, Dave brings up an outfit Dr. Phil's associated with, Doctor on Demand. You talk to a board-certified doc from your smart phone or tablet.

  • Dave, an admitted hypochondriac, brings up the Merck Manual. It's almost 4,000 pages of medical references and drug info. My dad was a country doctor, and I have one of his. Dave says, "Oh, boy! You turn a psycho like me loose on the Merck Manual, that's good readin' for, like, a month!" Dave, in his dumb-guy voice, thumbing through the manual, "Oh, Lord, I have that!"

  • Now it's time to talk about Regis, who Dave calls a wonderful man and great friend. Dave tells Phil, "Whenever I see him, I attack him. I lash out at him, and I say horrible, hurtful things to him, and I want to know who to blame for that." Dr. Phil's speechless for a few moments. He answers, "Well, hell, you do that to me every time I see you! It may be a broader problem." Dave wonders if it's a character flaw or personality disorder." Dr. Phil says, "If you want to understand something inside yourself, you have to understand what you're all about. Motivation and timing." Dave continues, "But what is it about Regis that makes me want to just leap at him and open a vein?" Dr. Phil asks, "But what motivates you? How do you feel when you do it?" "Horrible... guilt," Dave answers. To that, Phil replies, "I don't think you really feel bad about it." But then Dave insists, "I do! I'm tellin' ya!" Dr. Phil holds his ground, with "I'm questioning your sincerity." Unfortunately, time runs out before we get a definitive answer from Dr. Phil on what on earth's wrong with Dave.

  • (video)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our stock analysts tell you which typewriter companies are poised for explosive growth." •••
Danny Koker plugs The History Channel's Counting Cars. We get a look at a photo of the restored red pick-up that Dave drove from Indiana to Los Angeles in the 1970s, to begin his comedy club career. It's the truck that was the focus of the Tonight Show court case between Johnny Carson and Dave, as tried by Judge Wapner in 1986. Johnny had the truck (before it was restored) towed to his set, because it was an eyesore. Dave claims a headlight was broken during the tow.

Edit: This was fun. When I was writing the previous paragraph, I knew that I had a video of the Tonight Show court case. Anyway, when I looked at my server stats three days later, someone else had found it in my Video Archives, when I couldn't. (video, part one) (video, part two)

••• Dum Dum Girls sing. ••• partial credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

32 YEARS ON LATE NIGHT TELEVISION!

1/31/14 [3978]:

On this eve of the 32nd anniversary of Dave's arrival on late night TV, a fairly heavy snowfall has begun. I can't do my usual video of Bill Murray's appearance, because WIBW has pasted a big weather map onscreen. Regardless, isn't it great to have Bill Murray, Dave's first guest on Feb. 1, 1982, Dave's last guest on Late Night, Dave's first guest on the Late Show in 1993, on and on... come back for all these special occasions? He always comes with material. Dave will take time to pass on his appreciation later in the show.
•••

monologue: Dave reminds us that he and Paul have been on late night TV for 32 years. (Let's not forget that Will Lee was onboard on Feb. 1, 1982, also, along with Biff Henderson, Barbara Gaines and Jude Brennan.) Dave claims he was fired from Late Night when caught parking in Tom Brokaw's spot. (He skipped the real story, about Paul getting fired for swiping office supplies.)
•••
impression: Dave gives an advance look at what his weekend will be. The seasoned Broadway thespian turns 180° to prepare himself. He clears his throat. With each palm, he smooths the sides of his hair, to eliminate any alfalfas that developed in his cross-stage sprint moments earlier. Dave turns to the cameras, squinting. "Uhh, one senior for Sinbad." The audience members applaud politely.
••• In the State of the Union address this week (which a handful of citizens watched), President Obama called for Democrats and Republicans to work together. How's it going later in the week? / video:
(I can't list the speakers, 'cause the weather map's smack over their names.)

(C-SPAN graphic)

(first dude): "It... is... not... happening."

(second dude): "Not happening."

(first lady - no, not Michelle): "Not happening."

(second lady): "Not happening."

(third dude): "Just forget it."

(fourth dude): "Forget it."

(fifth dude): "Forget it."

(sixth dude): "What's for dinner?"

(Senator Jerry Moran, R-KS): "Let's eat beef."

(eighth dude): "Cold beer and liquor."

(C-SPAN graphic)

••• Warren Buffett has offered a billion dollars to anyone who produces a perfect 2014 NCAA MBB bracket. Has he gone completely crazy? / video:
(clip): Warren Buffett speechifying

(voice-over): "Warren Buffett has fired up sports fans with his NCAA challenge." (NCAA bracket image) "Correctly fill out a March Madness Bracket. Win $1,000,000,000 dollars! And now there's another chance to win. Mr. Buffett is also offering $1,000,000,000 to anyone who correctly fills out a Super Bowl bracket. Get going, America! 'A Message from Warren Buffett, Financial Genius.' "

••• Dave was so excited about the Super Bowl... that is, until he saw this. / video:
(clips): removal of mountains of snow from MetLife Stadium, various stadium views

(voice-over): "With looming uncertainty about the weather for Super Sunday, the NFL chose to take advantage of today's moderate temperatures, low winds and clear skies, and held the Super Bowl earlier this afternoon."

(Photoshop fun): Peyton Manning, in a champions cap, holding the Super Bowl trophy

(voice-over): "The NFL congratulates the Denver Broncos on their 27 to 24 victory. See you next year at Super Bowl XLIX!"

•••
Broadway has been renamed Super Bowl Boulevard for the days prior to the big game, and fans can have fun activities along the former Great White Way. You could even have your picture taken with the Vince Lombardi Trophy (for that half day until it was stolen). Did you know that the Lombardi Trophy is custom-built every year? / video: Yay! It's this year's first appearance of the Pie Pan Pounder! Not only that, the CBS Orchestra reprises their accompaniment of "Mississippi Queen" as the pounding is underway. (video) (Please note that because of the snowfall map, the aforementioned video is from October.)
••• "Justin Bieber: Victim" / video:
(title graphic and rockin' theme song)

(graphic): "HIT WITH WATER BOTTLE"

(Justin): "Thank you everybody, 'cause I love you guys, but..." / water bottle to the forehead / Bullseye!

(FX): VICTIM stamped onscreen

(graphic): "INJURED BY REVOLVING DOOR"

(clip): Justin conks his head on the door glass

(FX): VICTIM stamped onscreen

(graphic): "MANHANDLED BY TALK SHOW HOST"

(Late Show clip from 6/21/12, I think): Dave touches Justin's sensitive new tattooed area.

(FX): VICTIM stamped onscreen

(title graphic and rockin' theme song)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "TV Trivia": "No one has ever used a tote bag from a PBS pledge drive." / a plug for IHOP® •••

Assistant cue card technician Todd Seda, playing the part of intern Todd, comes out to set up his visit to Super Bowl Media Day. / video:

(intro): Hi, I'm Todd in Newton, New Jersey at the Prudential Center for Super Bowl Media Day. One, two, three, four, hit it, guys!" (Yes, he misprononunced Newark.)

(with #5 B.J. Daniels of the Seahawks): "Well, yeah, I'm a little new at this. I don't know what I'm doing." B.J.: "Really?"

(Todd photobombs an interview in progress.)

(with #92 Sylvester Williams of the Broncos): "How much do you weigh?" Sylvester: "315." Todd: "How much do you think I weigh?" Sylvester: "90 pounds."

(shots with Peyton Manning, ?, Michael Irvin, three-time champ, and Kurt Warner, Super Bowl XXXIV MVP)

(with #77 Winston Justice of the Broncos): "Do you mind if I touch your beard?" Winston: "Alright, fine."

(touching the beard of #65 Louis Vazquez of the Broncos)

(touching the beard of #60 Max Unger of the Seahawks)

(touching the back of the fur coat worn by who knows?)

(with Seahawks team photographer Corky Trewin): "Hey, look. I found a guy who sort of looks like Larry David.")

(with Joe Piscopo: "Hey, I found a guy who sort of looks like Joe Piscopo.")

(hollering from a distance to the Seahawks' Richard Sherman: "Richard, do you have anything to say to Justin Bieber?"

(Richard Sherman, being interviewed, says, "Somebody axed me about Justin Bieber. That was the craziest thing so far."

(Todd, to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll: "If I was on an NFL team, what position would I play?" Pete: "Uh, you would be holder.")

(with #95 Benson Mayowa of the Seahawks: "Do you mind if, after this interview, I slap you on the ass?" Benson: hurries away)

(with #9 Jon Ryan of the Seahawks: chest bump)

(with #60 Steve Vallos of the Broncos: chest bump)

(with #97 Malik Jackson of the Broncos: chest bump)

(with Joe Piscopo: chest bump)

(with #83 Ricardo Lockette of the Seahawks: flattened by a chest bump)

(title graphic and rockin' theme song)

••• Top Ten Attractions on Super Bowl Boulevard •••
Wake the kids. Phone the neighbors. Bill Murray has dropped by to plug The Monuments Men. Bill, outfitted as Mr. Peter Pan, appears onstage hanging from wires supported by a movable boom. He therefore is flown to and fro around the set, high and low, upside down and right side up. He's singing, too. Eventually the stagehands deposit him at his seat. Bill reminds us that his roots are in the musical comedy stage. This is his moment! He has a strategy to be "the guy" when Peter Pan is restaged. Bill points out that, "When you turn upside down, you've only got a handful of seconds to figure that out." Bill cracks, "A lot of shows wouldn't let me land on a stage this small."

Bill's going to the Super Bowl. He's going to sit outdoors. After all, he's from Wilmette, Illinois. He can handle the cold. Who's Bill for? "You want a good game, that lasts a really long time!" Bill: "We're gonna have some tourists from down south who are going to die from exposure!"

Hey, up goes Bill again! Paul must have been clued in, because he has some harp sounds ready on the synthesizer.

Bill worked with Bob Balaban, George Clooney and Kate Blanchett, who was really good. The movie was shot in Germany. Part of the story is related to Hitler stealing art work from around Europe, including gold.

Bill grew a beard for a recent movie. Dave sets him up with an electric razor, and later a blade razor. Leave it to Paul Shaffer. Bill no sooner starts shaving than Paul covers the Gillette Cavalcade of Sports theme song on piano. He is amazing!

Act 5 is just Bill shaving.

In a little pouch on his outfit, Bill has plastic "pixie dust," and he scatters it all over creation.

Most of us probably didn't know that Bill spent some time in Cyprus on an archaelogical dig.

What a tremendous guest Bill's been over the years! I got to see him once here in Manhattan. He came around a few times this past decade. Brian Doyle Murray and his wife, Kristina, lived here while she got her D.V.M. degree at K-State from 2004 to 2008.

••• desk chat: Dave expresses his appreciation for Bill's friendship over the years. "What a guy!" ••• Eagulls sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

ALL WEEK:
OBSERVANCE OF THE BEATLES' FIRST TIME ON AMERICAN TV,
LIVE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ON FEB. 9, 1964

2/03/14 [3979]: [The CBS Orchestra will play Beatles songs into and out of every commercial.] •••

The Seattle Seahawks beat the Denver Broncos 43-8 in the Super Bowl yesterday. The writers have cooked up an awesome batch of monologue jokes. Here's a sampler, swiped from Worldwide Pants Incorporated.

  • "The Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. The final score was 43-8. At least that's what people told me when I woke up."

  • "I would just here like to thank my bookie for beating me where it doesn't show."

  • "What a day! What a game! I mean... the game itself was fantastic until they kicked off, and then..."

  • "Sunday - and we discussed this before the program - was also Groundhog Day. And Punxsutawney Phil was at the stadium." (photo of Broadway Joe Namath in the fur coat that got PETA all riled up)

  • "Now did this happen, or did I dream this? At one point, Peyton Manning was actually sacked by Bruno Mars?"

  • "But overall... I don't care who you're rootin' for, it was a boring game. Next year they're bringing in Tina Fey and Amy Poehler."

  • "The pregame goes on and on. After four hours, I got worried and called my doctor."

  • "I've been watchin' the Super Bowl all my life. I still have no idea who GoDaddy is."

  • "If you want to advertise on the Super Bowl... say you want to get a 30-second commercial on the Super Bowl, you know what it's gonna cost you? It's gonna cost you $4,000,000. $4,000,000 for a 30-second commercial. I'm tellin' ya, it's like a Kardashian marriage."
••• President Obama has been accused of plagiarizing stuff from George W. Bush in his State of the Union last week. / "Barack Obama: Plagiarist" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Barack Obama clip): "It it it it it it it."

(George W. Bush): "You you you your your you."

(both, split screen): You guessed it... lots of its and yous.

(FX): PLAGIARIST stamped over the president

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• A lot of Superbowl commercials featured interspecies love. Speaking of... Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared in a Super Bowl commercial. / video: It's the "Naughty Arnold" reel, with him partaking of marijuana, dirty dancing and dressed as an Indian. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder": "Do not touch freshly-printed wet paint signs, as the ink may not be dry." ••• The usual product plug was skipped in Alan's voice-over, but a plug for Volkswagen turned up between some commercials. •••

desk chat: This is classic Dave storytelling, tonight about a Budweiser® Super Bowl commercial that has 41,000,000 YouTube hits as I write this. ("Puppy Love")

Dave: "Of course, everybody talks about the game, and the commercials are just delightful. I mentioned a reference to a commercial earlier. It's about a... has to do with beer... and a dog and a horse. And they try to adopt the... the dog falls in love with the horse. The dog's a puppy. And it falls in love with a horse, and becomes very attached to the horse. And I love dogs... I have a dog. I love horses. I think horses are great. A lot of people think horses are big dogs. They're not. They'll kill you! And beer... and I love beer. I can't drink anymore, because I was a raging alcoholic, but it's... I love all three. I love the beer, I love the dogs, I love the horses."

"And, so now they fall in love... the dog and the horse. And so... somebody comes to adopt the dog, and he's evil. You can tell he's evil, because he's wearing sunglasses, and nobody else in the commercial is wearing sunglasses, except the evil 'I'm gonna go down there and adopt me a damn dog.' " (Dave sneers for added effect.)

"Well, everyone's upset, and the next thing you know, one of these enormous stallions breaks out of its pen and kills a wrangler, and goes charging the car! Charging the car, with the little pup inside, and then the other buddy. So now they've got them in a Mexican standoff. And... irrespective of the fact that the guy in sunglasses has paid, like, $1,100 for breeding fees, he don't get to keep the dog."

Paul: "They don't mention that. They should mention that."

me: I've said for years that Dave is a great storyteller. His desk chats and stories rule.

••• While we're on the subject of commercials, let's get writer Joe Grossman to come out and tell Super Bowl jokes. This is so awesome, I have to give the play-by-play! In case you missed it, here's the YouTube video of the commercial that claims that a Volkswagen® engineer gets his angel wings every time a VW hits 100,000 miles. Now back to Joe, who appears onstage with big, white angel wings. They're going to flap with every punchline. I love these Joe segments so much! (I campaigned to Jerry Foley in June for more of 'em!)
(Dave): "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I know what you're doing, Joe. Those are the... we just saw that commercial. The Volkswagen®, where the German engineers... every time a VW is on the road for 100,000 miles, they get wings. That's what you're doin'. That's a Volkswagen® thing. You saw it on the commercial, right?"

(Joe): "No."

(Dave): "Uh, how was your weekend?"

(Joe): "It was fine."

(Dave): "What did you do?"

(Joe): "I watched the Super Bowl, and I read about chalk."

(Dave): "But seriously... those are the same wings as the Volkswagen® engineers get, whenever the car turns over 100,000. Right?"

(Joe nods "yes.")

(Dave): "Are you getting anything from this? Are you getting money for this?"

(Joe shakes his head "no.")

(Dave): "So you just decided you'd put on the wings and come out?"

(Joe doesn't respond. He's caught!)

(Dave): "Well... they look great! Alright, so now what we want is some jokes about the Super Bowl, and the Super Bowl commercials. Do you have jokes about those for us tonight?"

(Joe): "Yes."

(Dave): "Take it away. Joe Grossman! (And he's got his wings on.)"

(Joe studies his little joke book.)

(Joe): "The Seahawks surprised everybody by scoring a safety at the beginning of the game, but there's nothing surprising about the safety of Volkswagen's line of automobiles, such as the 2013 Beetle, which earned a five-star overall safety rating from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration." (rim shot / wings flap)

(Joe): "The weather at the Super Bowl was warmer than predicted, although it wasn't nearly as warm as the hot wax flooding treatment that's administered to every Volkswagen® during the manufacturing process, to prevent corrosion." (rim shot / wings flap)

(Dave): "OK, Joe. Now, OK. Hold it. Hold it right there! Now, those aren't jokes about the Super Bowl. Those are jokes about the Volkswagen®. You're in some kind of a deal with Volkswagen®. That's why you've got the wings. Do me a favor, now. Look in your little book. See if you have an actual joke about the Super Bowl game yesterday. Do you have anything?"

(Joe): "Hold on."

(Dave): "Alright."

(Joe): "I've got one."

(Dave): "OK, good."

(Joe): "The Denver Broncos were so slow yesterday, after the game, they got hit by a parked Volkswagen®." (rim shot / wings flap)

(Dave): "Alright... that's. Get out of here! Just get out!"

(Joe exits the wrong way, as always.)

••• Top Ten Things Overheard on the Broncos' Sideline During the Super Bowl / #6 is a shout out to honeymooners. ••• desk chat: Dave and Paul visit about the 50th anniversary of the Beatles' appearance at 1697 Broadway. •••
Russell Wilson, quarterback of the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks, is right here. He's obviously a very fine individual, and certainly a great guest. It's only his second season in the NFL! I expect this episode will be repeated after Sweeps month. I was completely impressed with him. Read about his interview in the Wahoo Gazette, and watch it on the Late Show site. / Of course, Russell threw Dave a game-winning pass.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Your total savings after applying all credits and adjustments: $35." ••• Will Arnett plugs The Lego Movie. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Roman Palylyk, assistant to the director. ••• Broken Bells perform the Beatles' "And I Love You." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/04/14 [3980]:

I'm just glad to be here, with electricity. We had 11" of snow in Manhattan today. Global warming!

••• Have you seen a salute to Seattle Seahawks owner Paul Allen today? Well, here you go. / video:

(NFL logo and peppy orchestral music)

(voice-over): "The National Football League congratulates Paul Allen, Microsoft co-founder and Seattle Seahawks owner, on his Super Bowl victory."

(victory celebration pictures)

(voice-over): "Mr. Allen proved that even if you're only worth $16,000,000,000, you can accomplish anything! Go billionaires!"

••• monologue:
"Have you seen the new pictures of Justin Bieber? Oh, my God... this kid! It's one thing after another. The pictures now... of Justin Bieber with a stripper... it is so embarrassing... for the stripper."
••• Out of nowhere:
  • Dave wonders how his soup is coming. / Cut to a chef tasting the soup, then returning the germy ladle to the pot. Better run that soup up to 160° before serving it.

  • Dave: "What I could really go for is a metal pan full of soup. Is my metal pan ready?" / It's our old friend, the Pie Pan Pounder, hard at work. Paul fires up the CBSO with the Beatles' "Was I to Blame?", in keeping with the week's theme, to accompany the pounder. We get a couple of bars, and that's it.
••• Bill O'Reilly interviewed Barack Obama on Sunday, before the Super Bowl. Dave claims (and I don't have much reason to doubt him) that O'Reilly did all the talking. Want proof? / video:
This will be another "Late Show Unfair Edit."

(O'Reilly, with the president): "I want to get some things on the record. / Keystone pipeline. / The IRS. / Are you the most liberal president? / Here's something that you and I agree on. / You are much more friendly to a nanny state. / Last word. You get it."

(Barack Obama): "Umm."

(O'Reilly): "Thanks. Always a pleasure to talk with you."

(Barack Obama): "I agree. Thank you very much."

••• Once you've won the Super Bowl, the sky's the limit. It defines the rest of your life. You can do anything you want. Dave has clips to demonstrate his point. / video:
(Howie Long, for Fox Sports): "... which requires multiple personnel groupings, and multiple pre-snap shifts."

(Lawrence Taylor, formerly of the New York Giants, now an actor): "Bring it on, babe. Bring it on!"

(Tony Siragusa, formerly of the Baltimore Ravens, now a spokesperson): "Go online for my tips to help guard your manhood, with new Depends Shields and Guards."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Movie Trivia": "In Gravity, George Clooney and his gang rob the International Space Station casino." / a plug for Speed Stick® Gear™ •••

Cue card guy Todd Seda, as Todd the Intern, comes out to set up his trip report from Super Bowl XLVIII. I thought he did a tremendous job. Todd started his intern career in 2009, by the way. In the medical world, this would be a residency. Here are video highlights:

  • First, Todd puts on six coats + stocking cap + gloves. Then he sees the official XLVIII temperature: 52° F, and strips to his shirt.

  • Todd, with Seahawks fans, calls for a team cheer: S  E  A  H  A  K / Nope! / X plus Late Show "no" buzzer

  • Now he gives Broncos fans a chance: B  R  "Go Broncos!" / Nope. / X plus Late Show "no" buzzer

  • Todd tries on a Seahawks fan's face mask. It's really moist.

  • With Seahawks fans, Todd ad libs a fight song, and they kind of sing along. They weren't very good.

  • Now it's "Denver Broncos, charging through your town" with their fans. Hmm. Practice makes perfect.

  • Back-up referee Clete Blakeman signs Todd's coat.

  • Jimmy Johnson's key to winning the coin toss is "Always call heads."

  • Todd corners John Travolta, who kindly offers to give him some suggestions as Todd break dances on a hallway floor. He tosses in some robot, too. / John: "Where did you come from, baby, and ooh, won't you take me there?"

  • We see Todd with Broadway Joe Namath, in his coyote coat.

  • Todd scores a handshake with Bill Clinton.

  • After the opening safety, Todd goes for free stuff: a bite of a guy's hot dog, a beverage poured in his mouth, fluorescent yellow cheese poured on his gloves, and then we have a look at a dejected Broncos fan.

  • Victory celebration: Todd wants to fondle Max Unger's beard, as in media day. / Max: "Absolutely not! That was creepy and weird!"

  • A chest bump with Percy Harvin on the Seahawks deposits Todd on the turf.

  • Russell Okung of the Seahawks pulls a move on Todd. He sidesteps a chest bump, depositing Todd on the turf.

  • Ricardo Lockette of the Seahawks flattens Todd.

  • A couple of players hoist the victorious (?) Todd onto their shoulders.
••• Top Ten Things President Obama Would Like to Have Said to Bill O'Reilly •••

George Clooney is in to plug The Monuments Men, which he directed. He's a tremendous guest. I didn't capture his interview, because of nonstop school closing notices, but really enjoyed it. George organized a raffle for charity. For a $10 entry, you could win a chance to walk the red carpet with him for the premiere of the movie tonight. / green room cam: We meet Jean, the winner, and her daughter, Victoria. Actually, they'll go to the after party. •••

Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show - - 112 days without a home viewer injury." •••

It's more George Clooney, and we meet and visit with his parents in the green room.

••• Sting (with Mike Einziger, Ivy Levan and the CBSO) sing the Beatles' "Drive My Car." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/05/14 [3981]:

Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady with a socks question. What? The warm-up page tells audience members not to ask Dave about his socks. Not only did the rascally audience lady get on TV, Dave modeled his gray socks. Dave likes knee socks... I suppose because it's cool in The Ed.
••• Dave's been talking a lot about The Lego Movie. Harry sure is taken with it. How about a preview? / video:
(voice-over): "It's the film you've been waiting for since childhood. Get ready for The Lego Movie."

(close-up of an adult picking up all different shapes, sizes and colors of Legos® the kids left all over the floor)

(voice-over): "Assembling February 7."

••• Dave mimics snow shoveling when it's time to clean up Harry's Legos®. ••• [The New York Times ran a story on Jan. 31, suggesting that Chris Christie knew about the George Washington Bridge shenanigans in real time.] / The governor is not pleased (since it's not his fault). / video:
(clip): Chris Christie orating

(voice-over): "The office of Governor Chris Christie is extremely displeased with the sloppy reporting displayed by The New York Times, in their coverage of the accusations made by former Port Authority chief, David Wildstein. The governor would also like to take this opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy."

(music): It's some easy-listening tune I should know the name of. The show uses it now and then. Where's Micah White or Donz when I need them?

(voice-over with matching clips, as the music plays): "Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat lover's pizza, buffalo wings, hot fudge sundaes and chili dogs. New Jersey governor Chris Christie: Get under the bus."

••• monologue interruption, compliments of Tony Mendez:
(Dave): "Tony, why are you doin' that? What is that? You have a thing. Where'd you get that stupid mustache? What is that all about?"

(Cut to Tony, who has a Tom Selleck-class mustache.)

(Tony): "I'm Toby Mendez, Tony Mendez's twin brother."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

(Tony): "I'm Toby Mendez."

(Dave): "You're Toby Mendez."

(Paul): "Oh, Toby Mendez."

(Tony): "Yes.

(Dave): "Toby Mendez. You're the twin brother of our regular cue card operator, Tony Mendez."

(Paul): "Ahh!"

(Tony): "Yes. Yes. Well, I'm new in town..."

(Dave): "You're new in town."

(Tony): "Yes."

(Dave): "How long have you been in town?"

(Tony): "Uh, a few days. I'm looking for my grandfather's fortune."

(Dave): "Right. Did you have... did you have trouble getting across the bridge?"

(Tony): shakes his head "yes"

(Dave): "Yes.

(me): Tony almost starts laughing. I think Dave was ad libbing. Tony seems to be pointing to a cue card, probably held by Todd Seda, probably in hopes that Dave will stop monkeying around.

(Dave, responding to Tony pointing): "I know. Yes, you're lookin' for your grandfather's fortune..."

(Tony): "And I'm also looking for love!"

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Tony turns seductively to a new camera. He gives us that look. We hear Mexican or Cuban music, or something.)

(Dave, referring to the Toby mustache): "Why didn't you just put that on there with ink?" (mimicking using a marker) "Why couldn't you have just taken one of your cue card pens, and colored it right in, like that?"

(Tony): "Oh, screw it!" (starts to rip off the mustache) "Just read the next one, Beverly."

(Cuban music again)

(Tony starts to return to his assigned duties, then quickly looks over his right shoulder, giving us that look again. Paul loves it.)

(Dave): "Yeah."

•••
monologue: "The Russians have spent $51,000,000,000 on the Olympics. $51,000,000,000. With that kind of money, the Yankees could buy themselves a, well, mediocre..... team."
•••

Because of the mild temperatures at the Winter Olympics venue in Sochi, Vladimir "Pooty" Putin has been able to spend more time without his shirt. / That's right. I'm calling it the Naked Pooty Shirtless Reel, Special Edition. The other day, we only got nine photos. Tonight we get 12. •••

CNN has a story on possible reasons for the construction delays at Sochi. / video:

(clips from Sochi)

(voice-over): "The Olympics are set to begin on Friday, but construction crews in Sochi are still racing to complete work on everything from roads to hotels. When asked to explain the delays, Vladimir Putin admitted that in retrospect, it was a mistake to fire his construction foreman for being gay."

(clip): Russian construction workers on a sidewalk, dance to the Village People's "Y.M.C.A."

(voice-over): "Phil Black, CNN, Sochi."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Pandas are dry clean only." / a plug for Speed Stick® Gear™ •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave produces a plastic bowl, filled with partially-melted (and noticeably gray) New York City snowballs. Our host looks over at Nancy Agostini and gives her, "Can I have a straw, please?" That's some very questionable-looking broth those snowballs are in.

  2. Dave sets up the Top Ten. Will the Russians get Sochi ready by Friday? $51,000,000,000 has been spent. Watch out. They will hack you, and steal your identity, and they're doing it with lightning speed. Oh, sure, the hacking's all ready to go! Here are a few teeny problems: 1) hotels with no water, 2) hotels that do have water are cautioning people not to use it (or touch it), 3) the well-publicized pillow shortage, 4) a light bulb shortage in hotels, 5) toilets won't flush (yet it's customary to have side-by-side toilets), 6) unpaved streets, 7) stray dogs and cats running wild (They're being executed and used for taco meat.)
••• Top Ten Signs Sochi Isn't Ready for the Olympics ••• Matt Damon plugs The Monument Men. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hard to believe it's been 50 years since that historic Ed Sullivan Show with Mitzi Gaynor." ••• more Matt Damon (with the traditional Matthew McConaughey impression) ••• Lenny Kravitz sings the Beatles' "Get Back." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• It was 1° F here during the show tonight. Enough, already!

2/06/14 [3982]:

I clearly remember, when 13½ years old, watching the Beatles' first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show in 1964. The family watched the show pretty much every Sunday. I'm adding part of this CBS press release for historical purposes.

FROM THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK

RETRO BEATLES MARQUEE UNVEILING AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 12:30 P.M. ET

CBS will unveil a marquee duplicating the one displayed at the Ed Sullivan Theater
the night the Beatles first performed on the The Ed Sullivan Show 50 years ago.

This retro look, which will feature the exact wording that was posted for The Ed Sullivan Show on February 9, 1964, will cover the current LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN marquee through the weekend, in conjunction with CBS's upcoming Beatles tribute, THE BEATLES: THE NIGHT THAT CHANGED AMERICA - A GRAMMY® SALUTE.

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Coach. ••• 71 million people watched The Beatles on 2/09/64. What was the competition running that night? / video:

(photo): 60s-era NBC camera and operator

(announcer): "The NBC Television Network presents The U.S. Smoking Championships, brought to you by Philip Morris®. 'Ahh, That's Healthy.' "

(clips): a lady having a flavor-packed smoke, followed by various smoking gag clips

(announcer): "We'll be right back with the quarterfinals."

(Of course, we also get the standard "Dave smoking" monologue impression.)

••• Here's a new one: "Joe Biden: Beat Poet" / video:
(title graphic, with a smiling VP)

(Joe, behind a lectern, on a podium, orating to the United Auto Workers today): "It's a quarterhorse, man. That's all it is... a quarterhorse. But that new Stingray... yo! Ohhh, ohhh! You tach that sucker up to six grand, and it comes out of a hole like a bullet, man!"

(FX): bongo drum

(title graphic)

••• Sochi, Russia... what a mess... especially the hotels. Did you know there are only three hotels in the city? There's the Ritz Chernobyl, the Sheraton Gulag and the Two Seasons. Room not ready? It hasn't been built yet! Let's enjoy "Sochi Olympics: What to Expect." / video:
(title graphic and John Williams' "Olympic Fanfare")

(two colorfully-dressed men doing something with the Olympic flame)

(voice-over): "While attempting to light the Olympic flame..." (cut to a scene with Putin, shirtless, of course) "...Vladimir Putin's body oil catches fire."

(Spectators applaud politely.)

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Sochi Olympics: What to Expect.' "

••• "Not Going to Sochi" / video:
(title graphic and Olympics-style fanfare)

(clip): nighttime winter scene outside a Pen-Bank® ATM: A guy snow skis up a ramp, along a handrail and goes airborne for 1/100th of a second, whereupon his jacket gets caught on the top of an unused signpost, leaving him dangling.

(Marv Albert would say, "Not what he had in mind.")

(me): I did a YouTube search on "snow ski fail handrail" and quickly found the guy at 02:00 in this!

(We're being told he's OK.)

(title graphic and Olympics-style fanfare)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Update": "There may be delays ahead due to a stalled commercial." / a plug for Speed Stick® Gear™ •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave, speaking both to viewers and to Paul: "Well, as with the world, tonight is a big night for change in late night television. Our friend, Jay Leno, 22 years as host of The Tonight Show... 22 years! That's remarkable, isn't it? 22 years, and tonight will be his last program. He began in 1992 on The Tonight Show, and February 17th, which I guess is after the Olympics, right?... Jimmy Fallon... our little buddy, Jimmy Fallon, will be replacing Jay. Jay was on our show... the old Late Night show... how many times do you think he was on?"

    Paul: "Well, he was like a regular... a semi-regular."

    Dave: "Over 40 times."

    Paul: "On the show that we did over on..."

    Dave: "And he was the host of The Tonight Show for 22 years, and is now retiring. Congratulations on a wonderful run, and I'll tell you somethin'..." (applause) "Sure. If I was Jay Leno and I was retiring, you know what I would do? I'd go out and buy myself a car. So... good luck from me and Paul, there. Thank you so much!"

    Paul: "A job well done!"

  2. We see a replica of the marquee from when The Beatles were on in 1964. / outside cam

  3. Everybody's excited about The Beatles. There's a camera over at Hello Deli. Dave wonders if Rupert did anything as a tribute to The Beatles' anniversary. Rupert: "Well, I am. I'm covering up my current health inspection with one from a few years ago." Rupert steps over to the entrance and covers a C grade with an A. / CBSO: "Health Inspection Grade Upgrade Fanfare" / Dave: mutters that that has nothing to do with The Beatles. / (video)

  4. Dave comments about Jimmy Fallon taking over The Tonight Show.
••• Top Ten Shopping Mall Funeral Homes / #10: Cadaver-Crombie & Fitch / #8: Dead, Bath and Beyond / #2: Chuck E. Deceased ••• bumper: photo of Jay Leno in Dave's guest chair on Late Night •••
Patrick Stewart plugs his plays, Waiting for Godot and No Man's Land, both currently at the Cort Theatre, 138 West 48th Street. He kind of likes it when people call him Captain. He accidentally touches Dave's knee at one point. Later in the interview, Dave grants permission for Captain Stewart to touch a knee again (but not for long enough to be creepy or anything).

I don't know a thing about the 1953 play, Waiting for Godot, but while I was typing this, it brought to mind one of my favorite movies of all time, Waiting for Guffman. As you can see, I dug around on Wikipedia and found that Waiting for Guffman is considered a take-off on the aforementioned play. I love Parker Posey, one of the stars. Christopher Guest directed it. Eugene Levy, Bob Balaban, Fred Willard, Catherine O'Hara and Lewis Arquette also star.

••• desk chat: Dave and Paul agree that The Beatles were already a polished act by their 1964 appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show. ••• interruption:
Dave sees nothing on Tony's cue card. Why? Tony ignores him. Dave eventually realizes he's having a dream. He doesn't know what he's doing. A distorted Tony, Paul, Allen and Pat Farmer laugh at him. It's nightmarish! Eventually Tony hollers and wakes up Dave. Why did Dave dream that Pat's in his underpants? Pat: "Laundry day, Dave." Well, there we have it!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Are you supposed to keep those shiny bits of paper from Band Aids? I've got boxes of them!" ••• Jimmy Dunn does stand-up. ••• The Flaming Lips, with Sean Lennon, sing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." ••• Dave closes with, "Good night, Jay." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• partial credits

An editorial: Much has been made of the competition between Dave and Jay Leno over the past 22 years, including a book, countless articles and a movie. I expect that Dave and Jay have mixed feelings about each other. They have great memories and stories, and many have been told publicly, even during their years of head-to-head competition.

I always looked forward to Jay's appearances on Late Night, with bits like "What's My Beef?" I still have videotape (sorry, NBC) of many of Jay's appearances. But I was royally steamed when Jay trampled over Dave to get the Tonight Show job. He's clearly done a good job with the show, but also swiped some of Dave's bits over the years. Jay also had no problem, from what I could see, in taking back the Tonight Show when Conan bombed.

I'm not trying to paint Jay as all bad. He had two decades of success for good reason, but he also put his career ahead of loyalty back in 1992. Apparently karma sometimes takes a while to kick in.

I think there's a good chance that Jay will appear on the Late Show at some point. If it happens, it will likely be in a Nielsen Sweeps month, because it will be fascinating television.

Hats off to Dave for being a gentleman about the whole situation, as he certainly has been in recent days. The Late Show lives on, and I'm proud to be a fan. Ironically, if Dave hadn't given Jay 40+ appearances on Late Night, he wouldn't have gotten the Tonight Show.

All's well that ends well. While Dave didn't get the nod from NBC, think about what a great outcome there's been because CBS scooped him up! Dave got to stay in New York, which I believe was his best destiny, because the rich culture of the city cannot be duplicated in Los Angeles. Dave works in the historic Ed Sullivan Theater, instead of some nondescript studio in Burbank. From anything I can tell, CBS has been very supportive and loyal to Dave, and has paid him enough to buy some really cool Indy cars. I love my trips to New York for Late Show tapings, I love the Ed Sullivan Theater, and hope for many more years of the show.

2/07/14 [3983]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy from here and there in New Jersey. ••• Mayonnaise is our nation's #1 condiment. / "Popular Uses for Mayonnaise" / video:

(title graphic and 50s-era commercial music, I guess)

(clips of mayo in action)

(voice-over): "On sandwiches. In salad dressing. As a beverage."

(Late Show fun animation): The Honorable Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, is seen sipping Hellmann's Real Mayonnaise® through a long straw.

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Popular Uses for Mayonnaise.' "

(title graphic)

••• Here's the second installment of a popular new segment, "Not Going to Sochi." / video:
(colorful title graphic and Olympics-style fanfare)

(clip): A 20-something guy, outdoors in the winter, stands on a makeshift platform, arms raised, all set to dive into the snow below. Whoops. This is sort of too bad. He must have had too much mayonnaise. As he pushes off for the dive, the 1"-thick board supporting his weight splits in the middle. His feet catch on another board a foot below the broken one, flipping him 180° and head-first into the snow.

(me): We're being told he's OK. I enjoyed this very much.

(me, part two): What are the odds? I wanted to bring the action to both of my readers, so I did a YouTube search for this mishap. My search phrase was "snow dive fail," and this YouTube video came up first!!

(colorful title graphic and Olympics-style fanfare)

••• interruption: It's that tall, gray-haired man who's played politicians in previous interruptions. Here we go.
(Dave): "Hi."

(man): "Hi."

(Dave): "May I help you? We're right in the middle of a show."

(man): "Well, I'm Anatoly Pakhomov, the mayor of Sochi, Russia."

(Dave): "Gesundheit! What can I do for you? We're right in the middle of the show."

(man): "Well, I just want all your listeners to know that come Friday... all of them... come Friday, the City of Sochi will be ready to host the Winter Olympics. And..."

(Dave, applauding)

(man): "...we look forward to sharing this momentous occasion with all of you!"

(Dave): "Well, that's wonderful. What a lovely sentiment! But actually, you know, today is Friday, and the opening ceremonies started a few hours ago."

(man, laughing and pointing at Dave to applaud his funny): "That's a good one, Jay."

(audience applauds wildly when they learn that Dave is actually Jay Leno)

(man): "America is really gonna miss you!" (pats Dave on the shoulder)

(Dave): "Thank you very much. The mayor of Sochi. I could barely understand him with that thick Russian accent."

••• monologue:
Dave: "It's a busy month. We have Fashion Week goin' on in February, Valentine's Day, the Jimmy Fallon swearing in... It's a very busy week. You know, Jay had his last Tonight Show. I believe it was last night, and people say, 'Well, Dave, when are you leaving?' Well, I'm not leaving here until my son's ready to take over. He's 10. So as soon as he gets his driver's license... the last thing I'm going to do is drive him to the show."
••• Hey, it's Westminster Kennel Club time! There's a new breed: the Canadian Crack Hound. / video: It's Rob Ford charging across the room in a Toronto City Council meeting. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "Do not stare at the sun while eating undercooked pork." / a plug for Speed Stick® Gear™ •••

desk chat:

  1. The Beatles first performed in the United States, right here on our stage. After that, every significant musical act in world culture has appeared on this stage.

  2. Dave brings up The Beatles' Yellow Submarine. / video: We see a brief clip. The boys are looking for Paul, and someone opens a door to find late night talk show host David Letterman. Dave: "Is they anymore bananas?" The door is promptly slammed.

  3. TTL montage / The Beatles had 21 #1 songs in the United States. "Can't Buy Me Love" and "I Want to Hold Your Hand" were at the top.
••• Top Ten Lesser-Known Beatles Songs / #3: "All My Luggage" •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave shows us the retro marquee outside that announces the Beatles' 2/09/64 performance.

  2. Dave's happy to have Regis here. Before bringing out Regis, Dave tells Paul, "There's something in the dynamic of our friendship that causes me to lash out. Whenever I see Regis, I feel the need eviscerate him!" Dave tends to want to irritate Regis to the point of leaving. He doesn't know why. He says he's in therapy for this.
•••
Regis Philbin comes out for what will be a 20-minute visit, and Dave plays nice, almost the entire time! Dave apologizes for the split-screen fiasco with Regis via satellite on 1/28/14. Dave's orneriness was compounded by an eight-second satellite delay. Then, on 1/30/14, Dave revealed his dilemma to Dr. Phil. Dave says, "We only hurt the one we love." Reege goes into third-person mode for a bit: "But Regis is your friend. Regis likes you." Dave's concluded that he needs some medication. He's thinking Sodium Reginol®. At Super Bowl media day, Regis suggested to Peyton Manning to hike the ball with "Regis" instead of "Omaha." The play has to be a long pass. "Regis wants a touchdown." We see some funny awkward pauses in the interview, because it's going so well that the two old friends don't know what to say. Back in the old days, Dave would interject an insult, and off they'd go! After awkward pause #1, Regis says Dave shouldn't have told Dr. Phil about the attacking thing. Then Dave worries about the Billy Crystal 700 Sundays dust-up of 11/14/13, when Joy got involved. Dave concludes, "Regis, I'm just no damn good."
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Vinny Favale, Vice-President of Late Night Programming ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Remember: Only my real show-worn ties and shirts come with the Alan Kalter-signed certificate of authenticity." ••• desk chat: Dave repeats that he's trying to turn over a new leaf with Regis. ••• "Ed Sullivan Theater: Then and Now" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Then."

(Ed Sullivan): "The Beatles!"

(short clip of The Beatles singing "All My Loving"

(voice-over): "Now."

(short clip of late night legend David Letterman blowing his nose)

(title graphic)

••• Ms. Lauryn Hill sings "Something." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/09/14: It's The Night That Changed America: The Beatles - A Grammy Salute. This awesome 2½-hour special was produced in cooperation with the National Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences (the Grammys organization). David Letterman, often mentioned in these logs, visited with Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in the Ed Sullivan Theater on this, the 50th anniversary of their first performance in America, on the Ed Sullivan Show. Only about six minutes of Dave's interview was seen in this special. Both legendary musicians seemed to completely enjoy the star-studded tribute, as they listened to others perform their hits, and at the end, performed themselves.

2/10/14: REPEAT FROM 1/15/14

2/11/14: REPEAT FROM 1/08/14

2/12/14: REPEAT FROM 1/21/14

2/13/14: REPEAT FROM 1/31/14

2/14/14: REPEAT FROM 1/14/14

2/17/14 [3984]: OK, get comfy. There was lots of action tonight. It's Presidents' Day, and Winter Olympics time. This will take a while. ••• Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, for "Dave's First Joke About a President." / video:

(title graphic and Late Show theme song)

(David Letterman, 1912, black & white, with poor audio): "President William Howard Taft... is so fat... today he was in the West Wing, and his ass was in the East Wing."

(Anton's great grandfather): rim shot

(title graphic and Late Show theme song)

••• The Late Show has been running clips of citizens' snow mishaps: the stuck car, wiping out on ice, etc. Here's an answer for the low coefficient of friction of New York City sidewalks. / video:
(clips): people on the ice

(female voice-over): "It's difficult to walk in this weather, but it's especially difficult to walk and smoke a cigarette."

(clip): guy on an icy sidewalk, trying to have a flavor-packed smoke

(voice-over): "Introducing Good Balance® cigarettes, the only cigarette with gyroscopic leveling sensors that shift the cigarette's weight, to keep your center of gravity over your feet." (company logo) "Good Balance® cigarettes: Your safety comes first."

••• "Winter Olympics Recap" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(graphic): TWIZZLE

(various morning show anchors): "Twizzle."

(me): Twizzle is a fancy twirl that seems to be mandatory in figure skating performances.

(title graphic and music)

••• Russia's been stewing about homosexuals cavorting around the Olympics. / photo: Eww! It's two guys on a luge. ••• "We Didn't See That Coming" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(Dean Richards of WGN TV, with "Dean's Buzz"): "Charlie Sheen is now engaged to a porn star."

(title graphic and peppy music)

(Dave): "Her parents are mortified. They have a great deal in common... nothing that penicillin won't cure."

••• CBS can't show Winter Olympics action, or everyone would have to go to prison and make license plates. But... Dave's known for pushing the envelope. He still cares about us, the home viewers. / "Foggy Olympic Highlight" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(video): impossibly thick fog / visibility: ½ inch

(announcer): "Samkova out in front. Just a ? to clear. Eva Samkova runs away with the gold for the Czech Republic!"

(title graphic and awards show music)

••• It's the Late Show's first Olympic Curling audience shout out. A lady asked Dave if he'd rather be a slider or a sweeper. / "Nice Curling" / video:
(title graphic and theme music)

(video): curling, somewhere, who cares where

(voice-over): "This has been 'Nice Curling.' "

(title graphic and theme music)

(Dave): "I'd rather be a sweeper."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Para continuar en Español, oprima 'cinco.' " / a plug for Kellogg's Raisin Bran® ••• desk chat:
Americans once lived in fear of the Russians. Nikita Krushchev pounded on that table with a shoe. We were building bomb shelters. Dave saw evil president Vladimir Putin shirtless, etc. Then something happened that ended Dave's cold war fears, once and for all. In the opening ceremonies, one of the FX snowflakes failed to turn into the fifth Olympic ring.

Dave laughed smugly and went to bed, and everyone lived happily ever after.

••• Here's a bonus MP3 of Dave clearing his throat prior to TTL delivery. DDY cares. ••• The cast of How I Met Your Mother (Neil Patrick Harris, Alyson Hannigan, Josh Radnor, Cobie Smulders and Jason Segel) present the Top Ten Surprises in the Final Episode of How I Met Your Mother. Dave likes that Cobie Smulders. Me, too. ••• Back by popular demand: It's President Pooty shirtless. ••• Kevin Spacey plugs House of Cards, and does yet another fine Johnny Carson impression. ••• interruption: Five former presidents of the United States, back from the grave and ready to party, appear onstage for a few bars of "Hail to the Chief," and Honest Abe swipes Dave's desk microphone. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Michael Ferrante, music staging and production guy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Whoever got the idea to sell potting soil is a genius. It's just bags of dirt, people." •••
Amber Heard plugs 3 Days to Kill. She's a real beauty, from the Austin, Texas area. I'd never seen her before, but she's been in a bunch of movies. Amber's dad broke horses for a living. He wanted her to be a champion barrel racer in rodeos, but she got the acting bug. Amber got unceremoniously dumped off horses countless times as a girl, as she did her part helping to break them. Fortunately, she didn't get broken. Dad has been very supportive of her acting career, and can often be found on her sets. (video)

Hey, what was Dave doing the day Amber was born? (I'm sure Donz and Mike will do this, too.) On the April 22, 1986 Late Night, Chris Elliott made us all very, very sick playing Gerard Mulligan's baby, Alba Ballard was on with her dressed-up birds, and we had "People Who Won't Be on the Show."

••• Gary Clark, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/18/14 [3985]: interruption for a promo: "CBS: Home of the 1998 Nagano Winter Olympic Games" ••• [NBC's Christin Cooper got lots of hate mail over the weekend after making Bode Miller cry, shortly after he won the Bronze in Alpine Skiing Men's Super-G. Bode lost his brother not long ago.] The Late Show can't show that event, but how about some video of Terrell Owens crying after an early 2008 playoffs loss? (Terrell didn't like the reporters picking on the quarterback.) / video / Stay tuned for encores. ••• "Sports Highlights We're Allowed to Show" / video:

(title graphic)

(graphic): "The 1986 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship"

(clip): frighteningly-weird aerobics, with equally bad music

(title graphic)

••• [The Yankees are off to "spring" training. The big story is Derek Jeter's last season before retirement.] / When Derek retires, he plans to open Derek Jeter's Steak House in Times Square. / Photoshop fun: It's bin Laden's dump in suburban Abbottabad, all tricked-up with a neon arrow and some tacky lights. ••• more of Terrell blubbering ••• FX out of nowhere: It's Newt Gingrich humping a vending machine in fall 2011. ••• interruption: It's that tall, gray-haired guy who plays politicians and other hot shots. Tonight he's Thomas Bach of Germany, president of the International Olympic Committee. For the record:
(Thomas): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, hi. Hi, how are you?"

(Thomas): "Hello to all your listeners."

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

(Thomas): "I'm Thomas Bach, chairman of the International Olympic Committee."

(Dave): "Ohhh, nice to have you with us!"

(Thomas): "Thank you, and on behalf of all of us at the IOC, we want you to have this medal." (produces an Olympics medal)

(Dave): "What?! Are you kiddin' me?"

(Thomas): "It's just an extra bronze one we had laying around."

(Dave): "Well, that's... even bronze... that's wonderful! Do you mind if I, uh...?"

(Thomas): "Oh, please."

(Dave, putting on the medal): "Oh, that's exciting. Look at this, Paul. It's a bronze medal."

(Paul): "Oh, that is..."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. That's a good one! That's lovely!"

(Thomas): "You know, it..."

(Dave): "A lot of people get fooled because they mix bronze and cardboard. They just get..." (Dave poses with the medal on.) "But it's still... I mean, thank you. I'm not..."

(Thomas): "Well, not everyone can pull it off."

(Dave): "No, that's right. Uh..."

(Thomas): "You're trying so hard out here, we just figured you deserve it for your effort."

(Dave): "Oh, thank you very much. That's very nice, and, uh, when you can, I'll just put it away, later."

(Thomas): "Excellent."

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

(Thomas): "Congratulations, Dave! I'll see you all in Rio!" (runs offstage)

(Dave): "Alright. Bye bye."

(CBSO): Olympics theme song

(Thomas, returning): "I'm sorry. We do need that."

(Dave): "OK. Alright. Thank you." (pause) "Ass     ."

••• monologue:
(Dave): "Charlie Sheen is engaged to an adult film star. She's what they say,... a pornographic film star. So you... pornographic, and that's what... he's engaged to her. Not only is he gonna marry her, but she'll be workin' the bachelor party."
••• Terrell, still weepy: "It's really not fair." ••• That twerp Justin Bieber has proclaimed that his new name is Bizzle. / "Future Plans of Bizzle" / video:
photo: carton of eggs / voice-over: "throwing ezzles"

photo: Bizzle on the shoulders of bodyguards / voice-over: "being carried up stezzles by his security guarzzles"

photo: yellow Lamborghini and voice-over: "drazz razzling"

photo: police activity and voice-over: "and rezizzling arrezzle"

(title graphic and voice-over): "Best of luzzle, Bizzle."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Warning! Failure to heed this warning may result in a fine and/or jail time." / a plug for Nationwide Insurance •••

desk chat:

  1. We live in a brand new world. There's global communication. We've all heard of The View, and we sure know Barbara Walters. Dave thinks the world of her. She's a fine journalist, and yesterday she was a news maker. Barbara, 84, announced yesterday that she has, as Dave calls it, a "device." It's not a weed whacker... not a hair dryer. As Dave so eloquently puts it, "It's kind of a device you can use, uh, to, uh, if you, if you're, uh... let's just say, you're... every man in the world is in prison." Paul inquires, "Does it have anything in common with a weed whacker?"

    Let's go to a news report on the big event.

    (clip from The View

    (female voice-over): "After watching Barbara Walters discuss her use of a personal erotic device on The View..."

    (Whoopi Goldberg): "The name of Barbara's vibrator is Selfie."

    (voice-over): "Columbia University Medical Center researchers are developing a procedure to prevent the human brain's neural network from converting that information into an image. To support our efforts, donate now to the Barbara Walters Erotic Imagery Prevention Foundation. Every dollar counts."

••• "Small Town News" /
  • The News-Register, Wheeling, West Virginia: headline: "No Reports of Food Illness at Italian Festival"

  • The Herald Bulletin, Anderson, Indiana: Lost & Found: "LOST MINI BLACK schnauzer. She is old with a red beard and bad breath..."

  • Post-Bulletin, Rochester, Minnesota: Lost & Found: "FOUND: Stainless steel roaster with roast"

  • Brainerd Dispatch, Brainerd, Minnesota: Police Blotter: "A report... of smoke being observed coming out of a chimney..."

  • The Palestine Herald-Press, Palestine, Texas: Outdoors: "Crapping in the Cold"

  • The Orlando Sentinel, Orlando, Florida: Nation & World: "Miss Venezuela Gabriela Isler was crowned Saturday as the 2013 Miss Universe." (photo of a middle-aged man)
••• Sage Kotsenburg, Olympic gold medalist in Snowboard / Men's Slopestyle ••• desk chat: Dave tells Paul he wants Harry to be like Sage. ••• Top Ten Things Uttered in a Two-Man Luge ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Can handwriting analysis reveal when a skywriter is depressed or anxious? Our experts have the answer, after this!" ••• Kate Mara plugs The House of Cards. ••• Cole Swindell sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/19/14 [3986]: There's probably a "rest of the story" on this one, but I can't find it. We go live to the Oval Office, where we see a portrait artist drawing the nekkid president, who's atop his desk. ••• monologue: "By the way, if you want to get Charlie Sheen and his bride-to-be a gift, they are registered at the Centers for Disease Control." ••• It's day two of "Fun with Barbara Walters' Vibrator." Dave and the CBSO give their impression of Barbara putting the appliance through its paces. Do not listen to this audio. ••• We're seeing first-time events at the 2014 Winter Olympics. Last night was the Men's Hot Air Balloon Speed Tightrope Walking finals. / video:

(clip): High above earth, we see a hot air balloon, with a tightrope stretched between it and probably another balloon. Beginning his journey from one balloon basket to another is a nitwit named Danny Wayne, equipped only with a white umbrella. Oh, this is sort of too bad. There must have been a bit of a gust. Danny teeters for a couple of seconds, then begins his final descent to earth, with his umbrella turned inside out. We hear his blood-curdling scream, complete with Doppler shift, as he goes down. He'd better be aiming for a trampoline in someone's back yard. We're being told he's OK.
••• NBC's being mean to the other networks, not letting them show Olympics video. Here's a sample of "Sports Highlights We're Allowed to Show." / video:
(title graphic and theme music)

(clips): It's ice-skating chimpanzees. In the men's solo competition, one chimp does a backflip. Then it's ice dancing, followed by a cartwheel and jumping over several hurdles.

(title graphic)

••• It's more Barbara's vibrator. ••• Now, this is disturbing. It's our old friend, Al Roker, at Sochi. Al delivers quite a respectable turkey gobble. Respectable, but disturbing. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Good News": "If you ordered Announcer Scout Cookies from me, they're available for pick-up in the lobby." / a plug for Mercedes-Benz •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave's back to the Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, which of course calls for some shirtless Pooty pics. Dave fusses about the epic fail of the fifth FX snowflake that was supposed to become the fifth Olympics ring. The Late Show can handle it. We hear John Williams' Olympics theme music as the flake evolves into a ring.

••• interruption: A Russian guy, wearing one of those fur hats, gives Dave the business about his pronunciation of Sochi. Dave's missing the accent. Eventually the Russian takes a hike, ranting all the way. ••• Top Ten Questions People Have About Hot Pockets / #6 is an audience shout out. ••• outside cam: It's the Russian guy, stomping down the 53rd St. sidewalk toward Hello Deli. •••
Kaitlyn Farrington, winner of the Olympic gold medal in the Women's Snowboard Halfpipe, is here, and she is awesome. I've been staying up late, watching Winter Olympics coverage. I've seen so many amazing performances, and it's great to see these young people fulfilling their dreams.

These snow events seem to attract people who are full of energy, like to have fun and have amazing determination and self-discipline. Kaitlyn, 24, is a perfect example. She grew up on a cattle ranch in Idaho, and started skiing when she was three, then followed her sister's lead to snowboarding. She has a beautiful, nonstop smile. Dave asks her about all the guys who are always toppling over. She says, "I mean, it's a hard thing to learn. You are on your butt a lot." She's left-handed, but right-footed, so she leads with her right foot on the snowboard.

Kaitlyn doesn't have a long history of wins in her event. She had to go through a long process of qualifying, but it ended up helping her, because she had extra runs on that half pipe and the current snow conditions. She was more familiar with it than her competitors. Kaitlyn always has music going in one ear while competing. She listens to Ghostland Observatory's "Give Me the Beat" every time she rides. Kaitlyn didn't expect to win. She and her parents were going to hockey instead of the medal ceremony! She doesn't have anything else to do, so she'll just keep riding. One last thing: The people of Sun Valley, Idaho got together and raised $14,000 so Kaitlyn's parents could make the trip with her. She really paid them back, didn't she? (video)

Paul and the CBSO play Kaitlyn's "Give Me the Beat" into commercial.

••• Oops. When I read the Wahoo Gazette, I realized I'd failed to mention Dave's ad for Mid-Valley Snow Shovels. I was focused on editing video of Kaitlyn's appearance, and totally spaced Dave's commercial. This is why you should read the Gazette instead of this rag. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Tom Foster, writers' researcher / I've talked to him two or three times. He usually thinks I'm Donz. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Air fresheners? Am I really the only one who enjoys musty odors?" ••• Lupita Nyong'o plugs 12 Years a Slave. ••• Dave teases Tom "Bones" Malone for playing a piccolo. ••• Little Dragon sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/20/14 [3987]: Dave has a shout out to all Scandinavian organists in the audience. ••• How about a great new segment for the organists? It'll need a catchy title, like "From the Files." / video:

(title graphic)

(early 1900s music, and the front page of a New York Times from July 1914)

(focusing on a caption): "Curious pulsating machine invented by Mr. Edison... Miss Barbara Walters, Young Journalist, Places Order"

(title graphic)

••• impression: Dave once again gives us his impression of the sound of Barbara's vibrator being put through its paces. I hope she doesn't get electrocuted or something. Those rascally octogenarians! Who knew? Who wanted to know? •••
I've struck Google gold again! Out of nowhere, Dave shows us a video of dozens of bunnies following a woman down a street. There's no set-up at all. I typed "woman rabbits" into the Google machine, and the first result was about Okunoshima Island, near Japan, that's overrun with rabbits. Don't click on this web page, because it crashed Safari for me three times. It was running some nasty script. Dave drops the subject for now. Please stay tuned.
••• Those meanies over at NBC won't let Dave have any Olympics video. They're in cahoots with the IOC. No problem! Dave has another installment of "Sports Highlights We're Allowed to Show." / video:
(title graphic)

(black & white clips): ice bowling, the old camel-skiing clip from several years ago, guy skiing slips on a banana peel... You get the idea.

(title graphic)

••• interruption: It's Pat Farmer's Interruption #0002 for 2014, and he's brought an understudy, dressed exactly like him. Here's the play-by-play:
(Dave): "Oh, my God! Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen... one of our stagehands. Hi, Pat. How're you doin'?"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Pat, what... what can I do for you?"

(Pat, to his understudy): "Go on. You can do it."

(Dave): "What?"

(Bobby): "Pat won't be able to interrupt your show for a few weeks, because he's going on vacation, so he asked me to interrupt your show while he's away."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Well, you know, we don't really want the show interrupted, whether Pat's here or not. And, by the way, who are you?"

(Bobby): "I'm Bobby, the stagehand who kind of looks like a miniature version of Pat."

(Dave): "Yeah, well, that part's true, but again, we're just getting the show kind of off the ground here, and we don't really welcome the interruptions."

(Bobby, turning to Pat): "I forget, Pat. What am I supposed to do when he gets all bitchy like this?

(Pat whispers in Bobby's ear.)

(Bobby, to Dave, raising his voice): "You don't need to get pissy, you withered old hag!"

(Pat): "I think we should leave now, Little Pat."

(Dave): "Yeah, I think that's a good idea."

(Pat):"See ya, Dave."

(Dave): "Thanks. Nice goin', guys."

••• Dave calls for a check on the woman surrounded by all the adorable bunnies.
(video): Jackrabbits the size of Volkswagens are storming down a street. They crash through the lady's living room window and start chowing down on her. She's screaming, and making quite a fuss. There's a considerable amount of bleeding from her neck. Jerry Foley spares us the conclusion. The lady is probably going to want to get checked for tularemia.
••• As if there weren't enough troubles in the world, the New York Daily News reports that there's a serious clown shortage worldwide. Most of the old pros have croaked or been deported, I guess. / video:
(photo and sad music): three clowns

(voice-over): "They once numbered in the tens of thousands, but now clowns are rapidly disappearing from the American landscape. So, to preserve this endangered species, the government has initiated a Clown Breeding Program, in which our top scientists teach these notoriously timid creatures how to mate."

(Clown Sex Education Tutorial and goofy music): guy blowing up balloons / Ultimately we see a balloon creature with an extremely elongated schwanzstucker.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "Did you know? 22% of television graphics are incorrect." / a plug for Sears® •••

desk chat:

  1. There is no off position on the genius switch. / Dave quizzes Paul on the most popular Summer Olympics event. No, Paul, it's not Pole Vaulting. Dave says it's Swimming, and he proclaims that the Winter Olympics needs Ice Cold Swimming.

  2. We go to Sochi, Russia for a split-screen visit with CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones for another unintelligible update.
•••
It's a three-in-one Olympian panel. Three young Americans took all the medals in Freestyle Skiing / Men's Ski Slopestyle. Dave visits with Joss Christensen, gold medalist; Gus Kenworthy, silver medalist and Nick Goepper, bronze medalist. Dave asks each of them how they got introduced to slopestyle skiing, turning upside down, etc. All three arrived early, so they got to ski and get familiar with the area.

Gus Kenworthy is the one who noticed all the stray dogs. He loves dogs, and was behind getting them adopted instead of exterminated by the Russians.

Dave wants to know about the distances involved in their sport (slopestyle). It's possible for them to be 50 or 60 feet off the ground during some of the jumps, but because of the design of the course and the angles, if all goes well, it feels more like a two-foot jump when they land.

Dave shows a Kellogg's Corn Flakes box with the three on the cover. The flip side of the box has Dave with them!

Coming out of commercial, we see the Olympians and Dave posing for pictures.

••• Top Ten Signs You're Staying in a Bad Hotel ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Good news for folks considering cremation: You can now choose regular or cajun-spice." ••• Keri Russell plugs FX's The Americans. ••• Terry Fator does his ventriloquist/singing act. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/21/14 [3988]: Tonight's audience shout out has something to do with Abe's Gettysburg Address. ••• Out of nowhere: it's a promo from days gone by: "CBS: Home of the 1960 Squaw Valley Olympic Games." •••

Word through the back channels earlier today was that we'd see Barbara Walters tonight like we'd never seen her before. Another update on her battery-powered hobby device? / interruption: What is that buzzing sound? Is it a model airplane... a razor... killer bees? It's a clip of Ms. Walters in a red sweater. She looks very worked-up about something. Her eyes open and close. Her mouth opens and closes. I'm not sure where Barbara gets off posting this unusual video.
••• Charlie Sheen's engagement is the gift that keeps on giving for monologue writers. Here's the latest!
Dave: "Look what I got in the mail three weeks ago. This is crazy."

"Save the date   For the Wedding of Charlie Sheen & Porn Star TBD   April 27, 2014."

Dave: "Yeah, Charlie Sheen is apparently engaged to a woman who used to be a pornographic film star. Boy... wait 'til he finds out! She fell in love with him when he popped the question, 'How much?' "

Time out: Dave goes back to Barbara's good vibrations for a moment.

Dave: Yeah, anyway, Charlie Sheen's getting married to an adult film star. Uhh... you know what I'm talkin' about, right? Her parents are mortified. If you want to get something for the happy couple, I believe they are registered at J. C. Penicillin."

••• Oops. Dave started waving his arm to cue Paul and the CBSO, but he remembers there's another joke: "Sochi Closing Ceremony."
(title graphic and John Williams' Olympics theme)

(FX): We see the five white Olympic rings. Four of them morph back into snowflakes. Sparks fly from that pesky fifth ring. It falls from view and explodes.

(Evil dictator Putin): eyes closed, deeply embarrassed

(title graphic and John Williams' Olympics theme)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Inspirational Message: "Every day is a gift, which may be returned for full credit, minus a restocking fee." / a plug for H&R Block® •••

"Charts and Graphs" (which has a brand new theme song, with Will Lee)

Reasons to buy the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue
    70% the photos
    28% the articles
    2% the staples

Toys that shouldn't be made into a movie
    12% Silly Putty®
    17% yo-yo
    71% Barbara Walters' personal device

Most sought after designers for red carpet fashions
    46% Versace
    49% Gucci
    5% OshKosh B'gosh

Most popular spellings of the name "Greg"
    80% Greg
    19% Gregg
    1% Gggggregggg

Favorite Beatle
    35% Paul
    31% John
    23% George
    10% Ringo
    1% Mungo

Most appreciated features of the Mona Lisa
    45% smile suggests innocence and mischievousness
    34% curves of hair and clothing echo the valleys and rivers behind her
    21% her 1980 Oakland Raiders Super Bowl ring

If you had to live in a world with only charts or graphs, which would you choose?
    20% charts
    20% graphs
    60% I'd choose death.

And the Academy Award goes to...
    99% Meryl Streep
    1% Judi Dench... No, wait, I'm sorry, Meryl Streep.

••• Pauley Perrette plugs NCIS, and she and Dave have an extended discussion about changing their hair. / We see artist's renditions of Dave and Pauley with shaved noggins. ••• [Justin Bieber recently got the bright idea to try to get people to call him Bizzle, and he changed his Instagram name. It turns out Lethal Bizzle was not pleased. Justin gave in.] / Top Ten Other Nicknames Justin Bieber Is Considering ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Tom Ineson, videotape ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "You won't know where, you won't know when, but I'm going to do something that will have absolutely no effect on you." ••• Out of commercial: We see that for the first time ever, Dave has stuck one of Wahoo Mike's blue cards between his nose and his glasses. He looks like a masked robber. ••• Jeff Caldwell does stand-up. I thought he was really good. ••• Lake Street Dive sing. They were great! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/24/14 [3989]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Bayonne, New Jersey, and his hat. For some unknown reason, the hat's having a time out on the "Dave Dorsett" camera. ••• interruption: "Breaking Tony Danza News" / video:

(title graphic and breaking new music)

(Tony, on Fox & Friends): "I am a long-time Metamucil® user."

(title graphic and breaking news music)

••• Piers Morgan is leaving Piers Morgan Live. To help us cope with this national emergency, here's "The Best of Piers Morgan Live." / video:
(animated title graphic and news music)

(Piers with Jared Fogle, the Subway® guy): "So Jared, you've got your old 'fat pants,' haven't you? Let's have a look at 'em."

(animated title graphic and news music)

••• Before long, even more human jobs will be performed by machines. Here's the scoop, with "Jobs That Could Be Done by Machines." / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "Late night talk show host."

(animation): We see Dave's command module, but no Dave. Next to the microphone that Abe Lincoln stole last week is a toaster. The toast is ready in a jiffy! Wait. It's one of Wahoo Mike's blue cards: "Chris Christie is fat." (or did a robot also type the blue card?)

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Jobs That Could Be Done by Machines.' "

••• Dave is risking prison to show some NBC video: "Sochi Winter Games Closing Ceremonies." / video:
(title graphic)

(announcer): "For the closing ceremony now, the entrance of the flags, and parade of athletes."

There's been another dreadful mix-up. This is worse than the mishap with the rings. The parade of athletes is from an old science fiction movie, with all characters in costumes not found on earth.

(foreign language announcer)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Grover Cleveland is the only president to have served two non-consecutive terms, and to have been born on two non-consecutive days." / a plug for Tylenol® •••

desk chat:

The man from Bayonne threw his hat at Dave. That's why it's in temporary custody on the "Dave Dorsett" camera.

You get Olympics fever, and then it's over. Bill Scheft invited Dave to beat the Olympics withdrawal with a skiing trip over the weekend. Believe it or not, Dave agreed to go, and so did Paul. It was a mere 16-hour ride. (Thank goodness Bill was nice enough to bring some weed.) Dave gives us a drawn-out story about the chair lifts. Each time they went up, Dave tipped a man a $20 bill. Finally the man said, "I don't know where you're from, or who you are, but you don't have to give me money." Dave said he felt awkward about it, but the sign said, "Keep tips up."

••• [Ever hear of King Kullen? Not me. Over the weekend, a 96-year-old birthday boy in Long Island found a rat baked into a German apple ring cake from the aforementioned store.] / Top Ten Other King Kullen Customer Complaints / #6: Yup. It's a shout out to the Bayonne guy. ••• Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting plugs The Big Bang Theory. / We see a shot of Ryan Sweeting, a tennis player, in the green room. ••• interruption: We hear a klaxon over and over. Where's it coming from? It's not from the CBSO. Nancy Agostini's stumped. TV's Alan Kalter plants his arse upon Dave's desk. It goes something like this:

(Alan, to the home viewers): "How many times has this happened to you? Hi. I'm celebrity Alan Kalter, and if you've got a bothersome klaxon, industrial electrical horn or civil defense siren that's getting on your last nerve, it's time to call Kalter & Sons Klaxon Removal Service."

(We see a clip of Kalter & Sons technicians coming to rescue a couple in their apartment. Why a large bullhorn is mounted on their living room wall remains a mystery.)

(Alan continues): "Our engineers have over 50 years' experience in disabling and disposing of annoying klaxons. It's what we do! It's what we do well! So if you have an annoying klaxon in your home or office, you call Kalter & Sons today. Your peace of mind depends on it! So Dave, when would you like our engineers to come over and start the job?"

(Dave growls): "Get out of here. Just get out of here."

(Alan, getting snotty): "Oh, yeah... yeah... yeah. I see how it is. You're jealous of my success!"

(Dave): "No. No, I'm not."

(Alan): "Screw you, ass     . Screw you!"

(Dave): can't get a word in edgewise

(Alan, exiting): "I break my back trying to breathe a little life into this show, lookin' for some action for me... for my family. You know? And when I try to get a little piece of action, I get my head chewed off! I try to promote my business. Suckface there gets his pants out of whack, taking cheap shots at me, treating me like crap."

(Dave, hollering): "Turn off the klaxon!"

(Alan): "I deserve respect. I'm not going to stand for this! That bloated gasbag owes me an apology! In writing! I want a written apology!"

(CBSO): plays into commercials

(Tommy O'Brien played one of the Kalter sons.)

••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: Chris Belair, writer ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Hey, Teens! Here's a slang suggestion! How about calling a vestibule a 'Vesty'?" ••• Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won the Daytona 500 last night, after a six-hour rain delay. (Our friend Danica Patrick had the misfortune of being boxed-in behind several guys who got in a wreck, and they took out her car, too.) Dale, Jr. avoided all the wrecks. / We see video of him turning donuts (or kitties, as we called them in my high school), on 53rd St. on 2/17/04. ••• The Fray sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/25/14 [3990]: "Breaking Tony Danza News" / video:

(title graphic and breaking new music)

(Tony, on Fox & Friends): "I... I forgot my Metamucil®."

(title graphic and breaking news music)

(me): This off-the-wall TMI from Tony is related to his involvement in a charity with Metamucil®: Do More Than You Think. Hmm. Maybe it should be called "Go More Than You Think."

••• The cost of a Disney World visit has tripled, which brings us to "Affordable Alternatives to Disney World." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "For $99, you can go to Disney World and meet the world's most famous mouse."

(photo of Mickey)

(voice-over): "Or, for $2.50, you can ride the New York City Subway, and meet this little guy."

(clip): A very friendly rat scurries up the leg of an unsuspecting male passenger.

(graphic): "SAVINGS: "$96.50!"

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Affordable Alternatives to Disney World.' "

••• interruption: It's Gene Szymanski's Interruption #0001 for 2014. He makes his way to the "Dave Dorsett" camera, and proceeds to examine his teeth.
(Dave): "What? Hey! What? That's Gene Szyman... Gene, stop it! What the heck are you...? Gene, we can see your teeth. Will you stop doing that?"

(Gene, with fingers in mouth): "I... thought... I... had... something stuck in my teeth."

(Dave): "Yeah, well, fine. I don't care. We're right... hey. Hey, Gene, I'm sorry! Do that on your own time. We are right in the middle of a show."

(Gene): "A guy can't check his teeth?"

(Dave): "Well no, a guy can't check his teeth!"

(Gene, reading the next cue card): "A guy in Applebee's® tried to pay for food with a $1,000,000,000,000 bill."

(Dave, irritated): "No. You don't read the jokes. Just get out. Just get out of here!"

(Paul): "Ha!"

(Dave): "Could we get somebody back there?"

••• Oh, boy, here we go. Jeb Bush may run for president. / George W. Bush blooper reel / video:
  • dropping a kid's doggie
  • tripping in a warehouse
  • tripping again
  • bumping his head entering Marine One
  • moving eyes from side to side
  • dancing with Africans
  • unable to open a locked door in Japan
  • dribbling a basketball on a soft surface
  • dodging a shoe in Iraq
  • spitting out gum on the White House lawn
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder!": "For any athlete who missed the Sochi games, the make up Olympics are March 8th through the 15th." / a plug for Energizer Max® •••

desk chat: Dave says over 100 work in the Ed Sullivan Theater building. If Dave sees someone he doesn't know, he calls him "Dutch." ••• We see the TTL montage, then Alan Kalter does a plug.

(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Winning Athletics, makers of the first openly-gay basketball hoop. Strong. Reliable. Gay. Only available at Winning Athletics. Back to you, duckface."
••• Top Ten 2014 Winter Olympics Medalist or James Bond Villains / #6 Freek Van Der Wart ••• Ted Ligety, winner of the gold medal in Alpine Skiing / Men's Giant Slolam ••• interruption (with an intro by Jay Johnson):
It's a compilation of wacky TV infomercials, including TV Hat, Potty Putter, some kind of mouth-stretching gadget, Teeter Hang ups and Sauna Pants!
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, he says 'Celsius' she says 'Centigrade'! Can this marriage be saved?" ••• Kat Dennings plugs 2 Broke Girls. ••• Lo-Fang sing. A guy at the back of the group is playing the axle of a skateboard. Enough said. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Rats! I got so caught up writing this that I missed Amy Smart on The Late Late Show.

2/26/14 [3991]: Alan Kalter has a new opening tonight:

"From the heart of the solar system, across the galaxy and around the universe, it's the Late Show with David Letterman."
••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a new parent (and possibly his wife). ••• Dave wants to talk about acting, and the rarefied group of actors nominated for an Academy Award, and also other greats who have not been nominated. Let's recognize a few tonight, shall we? / "Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award" (#1) / video:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(clip): A lady wandering through a parking lot exclaims, "Where did I park my car? Ohhh, no!"

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

••• [Mexican drug lord Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán was arrested in Chicago on February 22, after 13 years on the lam.] / video:
(photo): wanted poster

(voice-over): "Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán, leader of Mexico's powerful Sinaloa drug cartel, is now behind bars. The drug-trafficking empire has already named Guzmán's successor. Beginning as a street-level drug distributor, and moving up the ranks to supplier, hit squad member, top lieutenant, and finally, El Chapo's most-trusted associate, the notorious cartel's new boss is Miriam O'Donnell." (photo)

(party/balloon graphic and "Mexican Hat dance")

(voice-over): "Congratulations, Miriam! You deserve it! The Sinaloa drug cartel is a proud member of the Better Business Bureau. Visit us at bbb.org."

••• interruption: It's Bob Rutherford, hoping to connect with Dave on skype. / picture-in-picture:
Bob, a tubby senior citizen, says, "I don't know what's goin' on here with this thing. I'll give this a try. I don't know how I'm gonna record it," as Dave tries to get his attention.
••• "Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award" (#2) / video:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(clip): A distraught man in a suit leaves a room with his hands over his face, whining, "No. No. No. No."

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

••• "Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award" (#3) / video:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(clip of man poking his auditory canal with a Q-Tip®)

(voice-over): "Stop using cotton swabs that can damage your ears."

(man, after rupturing his tympanic membrane): "Oww!"

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. Another popular choice is 'distant acquaintance.' " / a plug for Ford Mustangs •••

desk chat:

Dave's favorite part of the show is the pre-show question-and-answer session with the audience members. Tonight a nice man asked for parenting advice, since as we know, Dave reproduced in late 2003. The guy says he has no responsibility at home. (I guess that's why he's here.) If the man's doing nothing by choice, why does he need parenting advice? When Dave asked if the lovely woman to his right is his wife, he denied all. We may never know.
•••
interruption: Camerman Al Cialino announces that he needs a minute. Without waiting for permission, he strolls offstage. Then Dave, in a major union violation, decides to take over the camera, as Paul plays interlude music. Dave has no idea what he's doing, but audience members applaud enthusiastically. Nancy Agostini covers her face. Pretty soon Al comes back with a beverage and a cookie, and all is well.
••• TTL montage / Alan Kalter
Alan: "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Harvest Farm Apple Orchard. Crisp. Refreshing. Organic. Harvest Farm Apple Orchard would like to congratulate the Mexican Marines on the arrest of Joaquín "El Chapo" Guzmán! Back to you, duckface."
••• Top Ten Inaccuracies in Son of God / #8: Jesus' donkey sassily saying "Ass-cuse me!" / #6: an audience shout out ••• Meredith Vieira plugs Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and her upcoming The Meredith Vieira Show, and she tells about her experiences at the Winter Olympics. •••
Steve Young, long-time Late Show writer, is back to introduce more of his industrial musicals. His book, Everything's Coming Up Profits, was released last fall. It covers musicals commissioned by businesses from 1950 - 1980. Visit industrialmusicals.com to learn more. Here's video. Steve stumbled onto these gems while haunting record shops for entries for "Dave's Record Collection."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I hope something grows on barnacles, because that would serve them right." ••• Band of Horses sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/27/14 [3992]: Crack-loving Toronto mayor Rob Ford joins Dave on the Graham Fenwick-Jones split screen. We don't get a word out of him, but not for lack of trying. /

(Dave): "Congratulations, Mayor Ford. None of us here in America thought you'd ever really be runnin' for re-election. In fact, we all assumed you'd be tossed out of office, because after all, you were smokin' crack. And then in your defense, you said, 'Sure, I was smokin' crack, but I was also drunk. What are you gonna do?' / And here you are. You're not only runnin' for office again, you're runnin' for re-election. / What... Is this gonna be a problem for you... the crack... the fact that you enjoy crack? I don't know of another mayor of major North American city who enjoys crack. Is that gonna...? / I'm getting the impression that maybe crack is more popular in Canada than it is here in the United States. Is that what you've discovered? / Mayor Ford, can you hear me? / Alright, let's check back in later. That was the mayor of Toronto."
••• [On February 25, Barack Obama sneezed while giving a speech.] We see video. Shecky got busy and found similar video of Ronald Reagan, from June 12, 1987: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this buuuuurp wall." ••• interruption: Once again, Dave's monologue is overtaken a bit by a fire or police siren outside. Right on cue, Dave says, "My ride's here." (video) ••• "Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award" (#1) / from 2/26/14:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(clip): A lady wandering through a parking lot exclaims, "Where did I park my car? Ohhh, no!"

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

••• So... what does it take to be nominated for an Academy Award? Here you go. / video:
(graphic and voice-over): "GRAVITY  BY GEORGE CLOONEY  ALFONSO CUARÓN AND JONAS CUARÓN"

(page 19 of the script):

SANDRA BULLOCK

(SCREAM) AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

AAAHHH !

••• "Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award" (#2) / video:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(clip): It's a yellow Labrador retriever dragging his hiney across a light-colored living room carpet. The lady of the house screams, "Oh, my... Toby!"

It's the hilarious Stanley Steemer® commercial from 2007. (video)

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "No matter what your ailment, you can't go wrong with gauze." / a plug for Sears® ••• "New Books"
  • Our Story, by Charlie Sheen & his porn star fiancée (WARNING: "Wash hands after touching this book.")

  • Guide to Late Night Hosts, by the National Audubon Society (Completely Revised and Expanded)

  • How to Hold a Spoon, by the best-selling author of How to Hold a Fork (Completely Revised 3rd Edition)

  • Joe Biden from Above (a coffee table photo book)

  • The Hat in the Cat (an x-ray book by Dr. Seuss)

  • Hitting Rock Bozzle, by Bizzle (a book about the artist formerly known as Justin Bieber)

  • The Selfies, by Ansel Adams

  • Cooking with Legos (a recipe book with 750 recipes)
••• "Stupid Human Tricks"
  • Art Cormier from Lafayette, Louisiana comes out with a metal chair. He sits on it for a moment, then begins a contortion act the likes of which you've probably never seen. He passes head-first under the chair, and back up to his original position, without touching the floor (or at least not enough to amount to anything).

  • Sam Shiff, a high school sophomore from the Upper West Side, wants to juggle and be a doctor. He juggles a bottle of yellow mustard, a hot dog bun and a hot dog, and eats while juggling.

  • Britney Walsh from Portland, Oregon comes out armed with an upscale bow and arrow. The arrow has a plastic suction cup on the business end. We'll be seeing acrobatic archery, which she claims is an old Mongolian circus trick. She makes Dave (standing a few feet away from her) hold a clear, round plastic target. Britney stands on her hands on two separate posts, facing away from Dave. She holds the bow and arrow with her feet, then contorts backward into an L shape, takes aim at Dave and hits the target. She misses the bullseye, but sticks the target. It is amazing!

  • (video)

••• Simon Helberg plugs The Big Bang Theory. We get TMI about Simon and his wife going through her pregnancy and delivery. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "We never went to the moon. By 'we,' I mean myself and my immediate family." ••• Young the Giant sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/28/14 [3993]: Piers Morgan is out at CNN. Larry King says he's ready to come back, if asked. In fact, he's practicing! We check in with Mr. King at his home in Los Angeles.

(Larry, with crickets chirping in the background): "Abilene, Kansas: hello. San Francisco: hello. Lake Mary, California: hello. Naples, Florida: hello. Orange County, California: hello. Port St. Lucie, Florida: hello."
••• "Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award" / video:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(clip of man using Super Back®, the miracle back hair remover product)

(voice-over): "That's why we invented Super Back®, the in-shower, rinse-away back hair removal system."

(cue disgusting shower scene)

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

(What miracle product do you use on the clogged shower drain?)

••• interruption: It's Pat Farmer's Interruption #0003 for 2014. Here's the play-by-play:
(Dave): "Oh, hi, Pat. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands. Hi, Pat. How're ya doin'?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "Good."

(Pat): "Dave, would you like to be in our Oscar Pool?"

(Dave): "Oh, oh! I know what this is! I check a thing, and I could win a lot of money."

(Pat): "That's right. Five bucks."

(Dave): "I give you five bucks?"

(Pat): "You give me five, and I give you the choices."

(Dave): "Oh, oh, OK, sure. I've got five. There, thanks. That'll be fun. I love doin' this kind of stuff. And I came very close to winning one year. That's great. Thank you very much."

(Pat): "Would you like to be in the Office Oscar Pool, Dave?"

(Dave): "I thought... I thought this was the Office..."

(Pat): "No no no. The... this is where you guess who in the office is going to win the Oscar Pool. Five bucks!"

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. This is kinda like getting floor mats with your new car. Alright, there. OK."

(Pat): "Would you like to be, Dave, in the office Oscar Pool Deluxe? That's where you try to guess who's gonna guess who wins the Oscar Pool. Then we have Oscar Pool Supreme. That's where you guess who's gonna guess who's gonna guess who's gonna win the Oscar Pool."

(Dave): "Yeah. Uh, thanks. I... I... I think I'm just gonna stick with..."

(Pat): "Five bucks."

(Dave): "No, no. I'm just gonna... stick with the first two."

(Pat, turning to leave): "OK. Give it your best shot."

••• "Worst Oscar Red Carpet Disasters" / video:
(title graphic and orchestral music)

(photo and caption): "Whoopi Goldberg, 1993"

(photo and caption): "Björk, 2001"

(clips and caption): "The Great Red Carpet Fire of 1937"

(title graphic and orchestral music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Movie Trivia": "At the 1977 Academy Awards, the Oscar statuettes were given out first-come, first-served." / a plug for J. C. Penney® ••• desk chat:
  1. Jungle Jack Hanna's on. He's an old, old friend, who never disappoints. Everybody loves him. Dave will try to guess what the exotic animal is. Dave will always guess lemur.

  2. interruption: The CBSO plays the "Nadine and Andrea" Hi Ho girls theme song.

    We see a man in a tuxedo and a young lady in a red dress, at one of those clear acrylic awards show lecterns.

    (lady): "And the CBS Television Network Reward for Participation goes to..."

    (man, opening envelope): "Dave Letterman!"

    (CBSO): "Nadine and Andrea" theme song

    (Dave, rising to accept): "I didn't even... Is that right? Really? For me? That's fantastic."

    (lady): "Dave couldn't be here tonight, so we accept this award on his behalf."

    (Dave): "I'm here. No... I'm right here! I'm right here! Well, that blows! I'm standin' right here!"

••• Top Ten Memorable Times from Academy Awards Acceptance Speeches / #6: an audience shout out (suburbs) / #1: "I'm honored just to be out of rehab." ••• Jungle Jack Hanna is here.
  • serval cat babies / They have eye spots on their ears, to scare off predator birds. / A grown serval can leap six feet into the air to catch a bird.

  • albino porcupine

  • brown-footed boobies / They dive 12 feet into the sea and fish.

  • hellbender salamander / They're dark, slimy, nasty-looking things.

  • river otter / It would have eaten the hellbender.

  • blackbird / Jack gets Dave to hold up a $50 bill. The trained bird flies over to him, grabs it midair and takes the $$$ to a handler, back by the camera, over and over.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "If you plan to leave the room where your television is located, be sure to get your hand stamped." ••• more Jack Hanna
  • Jack demonstrates the way mandrills eat bananas super-fast. Jack learned how to do it, and he chows down big-time on about five bananas.

  • young leopard

  • (video)
••• out of commercial: We see tape of lemurs Jack brought on 9/09/10. ••• Jungle Jake Johannsen does stand-up. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/03/14 [3994]: Alan Kalter has yet another new voice-over for the opening montage:

"From the heart of America, broadcasting across the world and into deep space, it's the Late Show with David Letterman!"
••• Oh, boy, here we go again. In spite of clear warnings from the pages, yet another audience member has questioned Dave about white socks. They're not white, people... they're knee-length gray socks. Dave models them. ••• ABC had the Oscars last night. How did CBS program against them? / video: It's Lesley Stahl waiting for her cue to go on camera... for an action-packed full hour. •••
There's big trouble and March Madness in the Ukraine. President Viktor Yanukovych had to split the scene. / photo / Dave: "You know who that guy looks like? You know what he reminds me of? You ever go to, like, Atlantic City or Las Vegas? This is the thug the casino sends over if you start winning too much."
••• "Bill O'Reilly Hunch" / video:
(title graphic and breaking news music)

(Mr. O'Reilly, with fabulous females on split screen): "There's gotta be some down side to having a woman president. Right? Something!"

(title graphic)

••• Dave announces that Justin Bieber's in the slammer, and he's working on a brand new video. Let's have a look.
(clip): Justin, wearing a dark hoodie, is amusing himself by trying to walk with one foot exactly in front of the other, as his very important song, "Baby," plays.

(title graphic)

••• The Academy Awards: What a show! They did a feature on unusual things seen in movies, and Dave has it for us. / video:
clips of actors eating spaghetti, including: Amy Madigan, Jack Nicholson, Kevin Kline (I think), Jack Lemmon (cooking spaghetti), Tom Selleck, Julia Roberts, Robin Wiliams (getting spaghetti dumped on him) and Walter Matthau (I think) heaving a plate of spaghetti at a wall

(title graphic): Noodles in Film

(clip): Bill Murray, Ted Danson, Sting, Cate Blanchett, Meryl Streep, et. al. rising to applaud

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm living like a king! I just bought some bagged salad that was triple washed!" / a plug for Nationwide® •••

desk chat:

Dave's friends with many people on the staff (probably not as many as he thinks). Dave and Late Show strike captain, Bill Scheft, like to talk about food. They like to eat food. They just don't know what they're talking about. Dave asked Bill about his weekend, and he was all excited. He went to Jubilee French Restaurant, at 948 First Avenue, between 52nd and 53rd Streets. (menu) They have 16 different ways to prepare mussels. People love it. Bill and Adrienne went there over the weekend. Dave asked how the mussels were. Mr. Scheft replied, "Oh, I don't eat mussels."

outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert Jee:

Dave has the usual small talk with Rupert, then Rupert favors us with a cover of "Let It Go," which won the Academy Award for Best Original Song. It's from the movie Frozen. Rupert gets hooked up to an iPod or something, and lets her rip. The result is really quite bad, but in Rupert's defense, he's never heard it before. Aw, who cares? It's always good to check in with Rupert. (video)
••• Last night, John Travolta totally botched a woman's name while announcing her Academy Award. / Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Idina Menzel / #6 is an audience shout out... something to do with Felipe Navarro. ••• into commercial break: more Rupert! •••
Zach Braff plugs his play, Bullets Over Broadway, at the St. James Theatre, 246 West 44th Street. The play was written by famous New Yorker, Woody Allen, and it's about gangsters. It seems that Zach gets confused with Ray Romano quite a bit.
•••
Dave has a tremendous interview with former Sgt. Brendan Morrocco, who was ambushed on April 12, 2009. Brendan was the first U.S. soldier serving in Iraq or Afghanistan to survive a quadruple amputation, and the first person to receive a double arm transplant, performed at Johns Hopkins by Dr. W. P. Andrew Lee. Dr. Lee is also a guest. Brendan now has use of his new arms, hands and fingers, and they'll do even better with time. He is already driving a modified car! Visit the Brendan Morrocco Road to Recovery Trust web page.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up: the hearwarming story of the old horse that was sent to the glue factory--to give rides to the gluemakers' kids." ••• more Sgt. Morrocco ••• Future Islands sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• from 10/14/13: Worldwide Pants logo and Ray Romano voice-over: "Don't panic, Pablo."

3/04/14 [3995]: Happy Pancake Day to both of my readers! •••

Vladimir Putin has been putting the smack down on the Ukraine over the last few days. Were you worried that the Late Show was done with him after the Winter Olympics? Thought you'd have to go to YouTube for more shirtless Pooty? Relax. It's an encore of the shirtless pics, this time with narration by Dave. Our prayers have been answered.
•••
Mr. Tony Mendez has been on his best behavior of late. Tonight he does feel the need to interrupt, to save Dave from an investigation by the FCC. (Did you know that I'm friends with Mike, the Northeast Regional Director? I was his supervisor when he was in college, and spent an evening with him in January. He's awesome, but he takes a very dim view of expired jokes.) Anyway, Tony accidentally brought some cue cards that expired on November 30. Dave says, "I think today is National Bring Your Idiot Friend to Work Day." Tony laughs and laughs at Dave's snotty remark. All is well. (video)
••• John Travolta had an epic boo boo at the Academy Awards on Sunday, with his major mispronunciation of the name of Oscar winner Idina Mendel during the presentation. Let's mess with him a while, shall we? / video:
(Travolta clips)

(voice-over): "John Travolta sincerely apologizes for mispronouncing Idina Menzel's name at the Academy Awards. Furthermore, John humbly wishes not to be remembered for this isolated incident, but instead for his work in iconic films, such as Pulp Fiction, starring Sandpiper L. Jorkpickel, Blufe Wizzle and Emu Thermometer, from the one-and-only Quizno Tarantella. A message from Jerg Tubvaulter."

(me): This was awesome!

••• Prior to the broadcasted Academy Awards, technical awards are presented. Here are some of the nominees:
(Oscars graphic)

(voice-over): "The honorees at this year's Scientific & Technical Awards include the engineers who designed the Hovercam and Flying-Cam 3.0, the inventors of the Magnetic Car Flipper, and the creator of the Animatronic Kim Novak."

(FX): Animatronic Kim's head pops off her body on national TV. (It's spring-loaded, for extree fun.)

(voice-over): "Congratulations to all of our winners!"

(Oscars graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "Smokey Bear only wears that hat to conceal his baldness." / a plug for Emergen-C® •••

desk chat:

It's Pancake Day, and Mr. Harry Letterman loves 'em. What about waffles? Dave thinks you can't go wrong with waffles. You can't do any better. Paul agrees that a waffle is a perfect food. What about syrup? You put in on pancakes, and it promptly runs off. You put syrup on a waffle, and those little indentations hold it right where Mother Nature intended it to be. Dave's great hope is that someday Harry makes the transition to waffles. (video)
••• Jim Keyes, who's been president and CEO of many, many organizations, is running IHOP® this week. He's with us onstage, with his usual ridiculous promises. It goes very much like this:
(Jim): "Thanks, Dave. As the sun sets on another National Pancake Day, I have just one word: Wow! IHOP® restaurants around the country gave away over nine billion complimentary pancakes... a new record! Yes, amazing, but I'm here to tell you the excitement is just beginning. Dave came to me and said, 'Jim, I wish every day were National Pancake Day."

(Dave, interrupting): "No, I didn't. I didn't."

(Jim): "So, for the rest of the month, go into any participating IHOP® and say, 'I hop on the pancake bandwagon!...' "

(Dave): "No. No!"

(Jim): "...and get a free stack of our original buttermilk pancakes,..."

(Dave): "Oh, no."

(Jim): "...thanks to that man, right there, David Letterman!"

(Dave): "Stop it! I've never spoken to you."

(Jim): "Or upgrade to our Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity Combo™ for a small charge."

(Dave): "Please, never, ever say those words again. Please. Yeah."

(Jim): "Yes, Dave Letterman is the pancake lover's best friend. Well, folks, I've gotta hop. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

(Dave): "Get him out of here!"

(Jim, who still hasn't run out of gas): "But, before I go, I just want to wish you and your families a safe and joyous National Pancake Day. See you all at IHOP®!"

(CBSO): Jim's traditional "What the World Needs Now" theme song

(me): other organizations led by Mr. Keyes: 7-Eleven®, Exxon Mobil, Shell Oil, Director of Mayan Apocalypse Public Relations, Carnival Cruises and Time Warner Cable

••• TTL montage ••• desk chat: Dave looks over at Nancy Agostini. He wants a waffle. ••• [TTL set-up: We see a weather reporter, Steve Keeley of WTXF-TV in Philadelphia, suddenly buried under snow by a passing snow plow yesterday.] ••• Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Reporter's Mind at This Moment / #6: an audience shout out •••
Michael Keaton is in to plug Need for Speed, opening in a few days. He hasn't been on since 7/28/10, which is too bad, because he's an awesome guest tonight. Michael has a fun story about his brother's hip surgery, when a "contraption" was implanted. Michael himself has had a toe operation and a knee operation. As he was coming out of the anesthesia, he thought he heard the doctor cuss... like "oops." It turned out OK. Michael goes fishing with famous guys, like Brokaw and (Dave claims) the King of Sweden. Michael compliments Dave on the interview with Sgt. Brendan Morrocco last night.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Eco-friendly Late Show: I'm made from 100% biodegradable material." ••• more Michael Keaton, and he and Dave end the interview with waffles! ••• Phantogram sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/05/14 [3996]:

After 3,556 episodes (minus a handful of days off), Alan Kalter likes to change up his voice-over for the opening montage. Tonight, Big Red may have had no choice. He'll perform his duties while bound and gagged throughout the telecast. I'm sure we can all forgive him if he wasn't his usual mellifluous self.
•••
Tonight we're going to be treated to clips Dave's calling "Let's Dance." AFLer Art Fern enlightened me on what this was, as I was editing Rupert's song on Monday during the musical act, and not looking at the TV. The gent in black we'll see dancing and singing is Samuel T. Herring of Future Islands. Let's just say Samuel is not lacking in self-confidence. (clip)
••• "Understanding the Ukraine Crisis" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(graphic): The Ukraine on a map of Europe

(voice-over): "The current crisis can be traced back to..."

(snow)

(Vladimir Putin, with a wacky, phony voice-over): "There is nothing to understand. Here's all you need to know. Mind your own business!" (sneeze, I think)

(snow)

••• "Why the Rest of the World Hates Us" / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme music)

(anchor Megan Parry of KDRV-TV, Medford, Oregon): "One Missouri candy shop is taking the term Fat Tuesday to a new level, giving away free fudge to obese customers."

(title graphic and goofy theme music)

••• "Let's Dance." ••• "Let's Sing": It's Vladimir not singing "Blueberry Hill." ••• "Machines Smarter Than People?" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): A robot, in what looks like a spacesuit, crashes and burns while trying to climb a set of five steps.

(onscreen graphic): "Not yet, ass     ."

(title graphic)

••• "Let's Dance, Split Screen Edition" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Warning! Keep long hair, jewelry and loose clothing away from your television's moving parts." / a plug for Zantac® •••

"Charts and Graphs" (with the new theme song, featuring Will Lee)

Foreign substances found in Justin Bieber's Urine
    33.3% alcohol
    33.3% marijuana
    33.3% hairspray

Most regrettable gaffes by a pope
    10% swearing during a weekly blessing
    90% swearing those priests were innocent

Most common wifi passwords
    50% 12345
    49% password
    1% BobBalabanFan

Nicknames for the NCAA basketball tournament
    64% March Madness
    33% The Big Dance
    2% Vernal Equinox Psychosis
    1% Bouncy Ball Fun Time

Where do you want these boxes?
    20% "Right there is fine."
    25% "I changed my mind, how about over there?"
    27% "Let's try the first place again."
    28% "Just put it down, I'll do it myself."

What's the longest relationship you've had?
    60% less than 15 years
    39% more than 15 years
    1% "How long have you been asking me questions?"

Favorite occupational nickname for a popular singer
    45% Bruce Springsteen, "The Boss"
    38% Frank Sinatra, "Chairman of the Board"
    17% Tony Bennett, "Senior Vice-President in Charge of Sales and Marketing, East Coast"

Do you own a pitchfork?
    74% no
    24% yes
    1% "Glad you asked. I'm the West Coast's largest pitchfork supplier."
    1% "You're talking to the East Coast's largest pitchfork supplier."

most popular mixed breed dogs
    58% the puggle
    37% the yorkie poo
    5% humperanian

What do people call the country Russia recently invaded?
    58% "Ukraine"
    41% "The Ukraine"
    1% Adele Dazim

••• bumper: Bob Balaban ••• outside cam: Tom Selleck signing autographs on 53rd St. ••• Tom Selleck plugs Blue Bloods. (Did you know that he almost was Indiana Jones?) ••• [Radio Shack has lost about $400,000,000 over the past year, and is set to close around 1,100 stores.] / Top Ten Items Sold at Radio Shack / #2: male-to-male plug adaptors (not available in Arizona) ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Randi Fisch, assistant to Rob Burnett, and Neal Fessler, corporate assistant. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan (Alan still gagged) and, "I had a great time today playing Candy Crush! Sorry about the mess, Walgreens!" ••• Carrie Brownstein plugs Portlandia. ••• "Let's Dance" ••• David Nail sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night, sort of. ••• bumper: "Let's Dance"

3/06/14 [3997]: Update: TV's Alan Kalter is unbound and ungagged, and more mellifluous than ever! ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Terre Haute, Indiana, a proud neighbor of the local United States Penitentiary. ••• interruption: It's another Skype call, this time from a geezer named Tom Drucker. (Does Skype have annoying sound effects, or what?) / Here's what happens. You can thank me later.

(Dave): "Hi. Hello. I'm Dave. Hello?" To Paul: "Guy Skyped in on me."

(Tom): "This is a test. Dale and Eric are working together..."

(Dave): "OK."

(Tom): "...to, uh, make a video..."

(Dave): "Great!"

(Tom): "...that we can, uh, send... by e-mail."

(Dave): "OK. I'll look for it."

(Tom): "So, uh, we're just makin' a short test..."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Tom): "So this is over and out."

(Dave): "OK, where you... sir... where are you from? Excuse me. Can you hear me?"

(Sadly, Tom's connection is dropped.)

••• new monologue feature: Evil dictator Vladimir Putin laughs at Dave's jokes. ••• "Steven Seagal Explains the Ukraine Crisis" / video:
(title graphic and crisis music)

(Steven on RT News): "What's best for Ukraine, what's best for Russia." (snorts) "All this, you know, kind of funny stuff happened right before the Olympics, you know." (snort) "Maybe people should either do their homework, or stop just, you know, saying what they're told to say." (snort) "I hear a lot of political rhetoric. I hear a lot of political spinning." (snort)

(title graphic and crisis music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tech Tip": "For optimal performance, regularly update your banjo's software." / a plug for the Quicksilver card from Capital One •••

desk chat:

Dave's happy to be here tonight. He wants to visit with us about Tuesday's National Pancake Day, and the visit from the mythical CEO of IHOP, Jim Keyes. On Dave's stage, the phony Mr. Keyes said, "So, for the rest of the month, go into any participating IHOP and say, 'I hop on the pancake bandwagon,' and get a free stack of our original buttermilk pancakes, thanks to that man right there, David Letterman."

Well, on Wednesday, people all over the country go into IHOP with video of Jim's offer on their electronic gadgets. The waiters said, "OK." Then the inevitable call came to Dave, who said, "It's just a joke!" (Dave then lists all the other organizations Jim wasn't really leading.) Dave reports that the nice IHOP people gave those people free pancakes. This is the first time Dave's ever pulled a stunt like this and not gotten a lawsuit or a letter. The people at IHOP just said, "Fine." How about that?!

••• Dave sets up the Top Ten, then takes a side trip, calling for more Steven Seagal. ••• Top Ten Guys Vladimir Putin Looks Like / #6 is a shout out to the Terre Haute lady. •••
Andrew Hadlock is the 2014 National Grocery Bagging Champion, and we've got him! Andrew's a college freshman, and he won $10,000 in the contest. His grocery store is Macey's Grocery in Sandy, Utah. History dictates that Dave will race the champion bagger, and that Dave will cheat. Biff Henderson comes out wielding a starter's pistol. Dave makes a fuss over the firearm. He insists that there not be gunplay to start the competition. How were they started at the nationals? Andrew says, "They just said, 'Go.' " Andrew rings the bell at 00:37. He wins!
•••
Tom Brokaw's in. We learned a few days ago that our old friend is fighting a serious illness, but he's happy with his prognosis. Tom doesn't want to get into a bunch of details.

Dave first questions Tom on the situation in the Ukraine. As usual, Tom provides an explanation that I don't think anyone else on earth could deliver better. Of course, it's not as if this is a surprise. Tom does this every time he comes on the show, and he's one of my Top Five guests. (video) Tom also talks about the current state of affairs in Russia, and the great wealth that some individuals have. Dave later engages Tom on the subject of states wanting to legalize weed. What about people driving under the influence of reefer? Tom makes the point that we perhaps should first be concerned about all the drivers sending text messages.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, our financial experts tackle the question: Are the undead subject to the estate tax?" ••• more Tom Brokaw / Best wishes to the brilliant Mr. Brokaw! ••• Bob Mould sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/07/14 [3998]: Wrong channel? Nope. Just for fun, the Late Show has a bogus opening (inspired by The Young and the Restless), then we get the official opening. ••• monologue: Dave on Daylight Saving Time: "All I know is, you lose an hour of your life. It's like marrying a Kardashian." •••

His Majesty Vladimir Putin is claiming that Russia did not invade the Crimean Peninsula. Them was Jehovah's Witnesses, that's what. Dave's not buying it. In addition, Vlad shut down MeetRussianWomen.com. It's our daily installment of Pooty shirtless. In tonight's episode, we get seven shirtless poses, and a bonus martial arts outfit. Pooty gave a press conference yesterday, and CBS was there. CBS Cares.

(Vladimir, with an English voice-over with a Communist accent): "Look. It's not that I have anything against shirts in particular, but if you're a shop owner, you don't hide your best merchandise behind a curtain. You put it right in the front window. In other countries, you wear shirts. In Russia, shirts wear you."

••• interruption: It's Pat Farmer's Interruption #0004 for 2014. Here's the play-by-play:
TV's Pat Farmer and his sidekick, Little Pat, appear onstage with flyers and tape, and start hanging them here and there.

(Dave): "Oh, hi. Thank you very much. Let's see what this is." (reads) " 'Avocado Starship at the V.F.W., Rahway, New Jersey, Saturday. 9:30 and 11:30.' I don't know what Avocado Starship is. Oh, hi Pat."

(Pat): "Hello, Dave. Well, Dave, as you've heard, there's a guacamole shortage."

(Dave): "Yeah, that's right. Drought."

(Pat): "Yup."

(Dave): "Big avocado shortage, sure."

(Pat): "Well, as luck would have it, Dave, Little Pat and I are in a guacamole tribute band."

(enthusiastic audience applause)

(Dave): "Now, let me just say, I have no idea what you're talkin' about, but I think that's great!"

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave. And as a matter of fact, as you've read, this Saturday we're playing a big benefit at the V.F.W., Rahway, New Jersey. We would love for you to be there."

(Dave): "Oh, that's great. Uhh..."

(Pat): "We'll send a car."

(Dave): "What, exactly, is a guacamole tribute band?"

(Pat): "Well, Dave, we play all the famous guacamole songs: 'Stairway to Guacamole,' 'Blue Guacamole Shoes' and, of course, 'Hotel Guacamole.' "

(Dave): "Oh, I get it. They're all little silly songs that you guys have made up, and just inserted the word guacamole. Is that... is that what we're talkin' about?"

(Little Pat, with his best Sue Hum impression): "Drop dead, ass face!"

(The gentlemen turn and exit the stage.)

••• Lindsay Lohan has her own reality show. It has jewel heists, car wrecks and more. Here's a recent clip: a catfight in a women's prison dining room, with upset furniture, hair pulling, ass grabbing and tray throwing. ••• Here's a "Late Show Unfair Edit," with Oprah Winfrey interviewing Barbara Bush.
(Oprah graphic, with Oprah looking about 18 years old)

(Oprah): "You need to cut the bull     ."

(Barbara): "Go on."

(Oprah graphic)

(me): A few days ago, Oprah told Lindsay Lohan, "You need to cut the bull     ."

••• As the mess in the Ukraine unfolds, we're seeing Putin pushing Obama around at will. Republicans are on it. They're spinning it that Putin's mischief is a direct result of him not being intimidated by Obama. Don't worry, President Obama is starting to show a little muscle.
(Obama, shirtless, at a lectern): "There is strong belief that Russia's action is violating international law. I know President Putin seems to, uh, have, uh, a different set of lawyers, making a different set of interpretations, but I don't..."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update": "As I suspected, a casaba melon will not survive a bowling alley ball return intact." / a plug for the University of Phoenix® ••• It's the first appearance of "Fun Facts" since 10/06/11. (We have had some first cousins since, including "Super Bowl Fun Facts," "Jungle Jack Hanna's Animal Fun Facts" and "IRS Fun Facts.") Thanks to Gary Sherman for the latest shipment. (For the record, the segment graphic is now "Gary Sherman's Fun Facts."
  • Pearls will dissolve in vinegar.

  • A cockroach will live nine days without its head. Know why it dies after nine days? It starves to death. Paul observes, "It's not necessarily a Fun Fact. It's a fact, and an interesting fact."

  • The dot of an i is known as the tittle. Paul says, "I don't believe you. That was fun, but I don't think it's a fact."

  • One out of 10 New Yorkers has been polled.

  • Einstein made use of 80% of his brain, and 90% of his mustache.

  • (vetoed)

  • If four cars simultaneously reach a four-way intersection, right-of-way goes to the driver who's the biggest jerk.

  • Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones were roommates in college, and again from 1996 to 1998.

  • From the world of etymology: The English word with the most definitions? Paul: "Zebra." Dave proclaims that Paul's suggestion is funnier than what's on the page, so he goes with it.

  • 97% of dogs are conceived out of wedlock.
••• desk chat: Dave sings a few bars of Tony Orlando & Dawn's "Knock Three Times." •••
Mary-Louise Parker of Weeds joins Dave. She is hot stuff, and she'll be 50 in August. The evening begins with a discussion of raising young sons. Her kid, William Atticus, is newly 10, and Harry J. Letterman is about two months older.

Mary-Louise is very concerned with an issue at hand in Uganda. Little kids are victims of Uganda's ongoing civil war. She is involved with omaze.com/weeds. They have an online raffle for a chance to bake brownies with the cast of Weeds. Mary-Louise has quite a fine-looking plate of large brownies. Dave, Paul and audience members get samples. Whether you win or not, with each batch of entries you buy, you get a souvenir of some kind.

••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Rich Reyes-Guerra, CBS production executive and Bob Fallor, operations manager. (Bob was also seen in a card on 1/17/14.) ••• Top Ten Questions on the Easier SAT ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I have a bone to pick with you. It's a real nice one--a deer femur." ••• Lenny Marcus does stand-up. He was good! ••• This is awesome: Joan Jett & the Blackhearts sing. / Dave calls for an encore, and he gets it!

3/10/14 [3999]: monologue:

Dave: "The U.S. is talking about imposing sanctions on Russia. Vladimir Putin... here's what he had to say about the sanctions. He said, 'If the United States imposes sanctions on Russia, they will hit back like a boomerang.' New Jersey governor Chris Christie said, "Meringue!' "
••• Vladimir Putin's monkeying around in the Ukraine (while denying all). Here's a "Crisis Update." / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music: "Need to Know")

(map of Eastern Europe)

(voice-over): "Early this morning, while Russia was distracted with Ukraine, Belarus and Latvia took the opportunity to quietly slip away."

(FX): Latvia slips northwest, and Belarus slips southwest.

(title graphic and "Need to Know")

••• interruption: It's another Skype call, this time from a middle-aged man named Richard Lowe.
(Dave): "Oh! We're getting one of those... You ever get this? It's a Skype. This is gonna be a video. OK, I don't know how you... OK. Hi. It's Dave!"

(Richard): "Happy Valentine's Day!" (blows a kiss)

(Dave): "Thanks. That was a couple of weeks ago. Hi."

(Richard): "I love you."

(Dave): "I love you, too. I'm Dave. Who are you?"

(Richard, all lovey): "My Sandra!" (blows more kisses)

(me): Ewww!

(Dave): "Uh huh. OK, thank you. I think... Paul... I think... Great."

(Richard, oblivious): "I love you, I love you, I love you! Happy Valentine's Day. I love you, I love you, I love you forever!"

(Dave): "Thank you. We love you, too. I think this is a wrong number. I'd like to have some of those cheeseballs, though. Look at that. OK."

(Sadly, Richard's connection is dropped.)

••• interruption: It's one of the CBS voice-over guys.
(The Bachelor graphic)

(voice-over): "Don't miss the exciting live finale of The Bachelor, Monday at 8."

(Dave): "OK, that was about 3½ hours ago. That's fine. OK. Get it out of..."

(voice-over): "Will Juan Pablo pick Clare, the smoldering California hairstylist, or Nikki, the sizzling Midwestern nurse?"

(Dave): "OK, that's cute, but the show's over. Doesn't make any difference."

(voice-over): "What will runners-up Andi, Renee and Chelsie have to say about his choice? Find out tonight. Only on ABC!"

(Dave): "Yeah, but again, it's not even our network, so..."

(graphic): Arsenio

(voice-over): "We now return to Arsenio, already in progress."

(Dave): "I don't know. I do and do and do for you kids..."

••• How do you pronounce the name of the Speaker of the House? Here's a "Late Show Unfair Edit." / Congressman Boehner: "It's Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner." ••• CPAC's been going on the last few days. Rand Paul won the straw poll. / "CPAC Straw Poll Winners Through the Years" / video:
(title graphic and pretentious music)

(clips): President George W. Bush (tripping on something), Senator Phil Gramm, Steve Forbes, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (in drag), Gary Bauer (president of The Family Research Council, flipping a pancake in a skillet)

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Don't be limited by the name! You can put many different kinds of straps through a belt loop!" / a plug for Sears® ••• TTL montage / [Justin Bieber gave a court deposition the other day that made him look like the insufferable little punk he is.] / Top Ten Questions Justin Bieber Would Answer, "I don't know." / #6: an audience plug for Green Bay •••
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) gives an enlightening and forthcoming interview. First, Dave and the Senator yuck it up over yesterday's landslide election in North Korea. Dave wants to know about the missing Boeing 777 that was destined for Beijing. He doesn't know what has happened, but isn't ruling out terrorists. He then is emphatic that we have to help the citizens of Syria, as there are crimes against humanity taking place there, but the answer is not military force. The Senator has met Vladimir Putin, who wants to restore the Russian Empire, and the Ukraine is a huge country that is a key to his goal. If McCain were president, he would start missile defense in Poland. He'd have NATO maneuvers in the Baltic countries. He'd kick Russia out of the G8. Sen. McCain, 77, is seriously considering running again, and why not? He's been in office since the Coolidge administration. Here's his parting comment, "I'm the luckiest person who ever lived, and I'm grateful for every day. And I even appreciate being back on your show after you beat the crap out of me for all those months!" (video)
•••
Erin Andrews plugs her upcoming new gig on Dancing with the Stars. She's excited to be on, and begins by asking to take her Late Show mug. Dave wants to talk about Peyton Manning at the Super Bowl. Would it be the end for him? He said no. He's been having fun of late. Erin describes her reaction to the Super Bowl beginning with a loose snap, and then watching Peyton's response to the adversity. Richard Sherman got mentioned, as well. (video)

I live next to the steps of Kamsas State's basketball coliseum. Erin was here on January 30, 2012 for College Gameday. I went over to the team entrance to Bramlage Coliseum, because parked nearby was the ESPN bus, and I wanted a picture. There were police officers around, and the closer I got, the more they were paying attention to me. I couldn't figure out why. It turned out that Erin was using the nearby track locker room as her dressing room, and she came out just as I got really close to the bus (and the locker room). I'd seen her before at our football games. I just wanted a picture of the bus.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Please alert your cable provider if you have any television allergies." ••• more Erin Andrews ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: "It's Mike Leech, writer. You met him in Tattoo Tragedies with Tony Mendez back in October. ••• Little Mix sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

This new twist began today. Guests can write a message on a card and be photographed holding it, for promotion on the Tweety machine. (Erin Andrews)

3/11/14 [4000]:

Congratulations and thanks to everyone at Worldwide Pants on this milestone episode. Not counted in the 4,000 are four prime time specials, 27 episodes hosted by guests at Dave's desk and 10 episodes called Backstage, hosted by celebrities not seated at Dave's desk. Here's a chart that will only be of interest to OCD fans. I think I've seen all but one episode. Anyway, it's been great being along for the ride so far, and thanks again!
••• [In Portland, Oregon, a 22-pound cat attacked a 7-month-old baby who pulled kitty's tail on March 9. The man of the house provided negative feedback to kitty by kicking it in the ass. Kitty then went "over the edge," and the family retreated to a bedroom for safety, until police arrived. Lux, the cat, has an appointment with a pet psychologist.] / (story) / This gripping story brings us to a promo for SWAT Kitty. / video:
(clip): We see a uniformed NYPD officer on duty, parked on 53rd Street across from the Roseland Ballroom, no doubt waiting for Justin Bieber's latest transgression.

(dispatch): "We have a 10-36 in progress, requiring immediate assistance."

(officer, to his partner): "Come on. That's us!"

(partner, wearing a cape emblazoned with S.W.A.T.): "Meow."

(The NYPD car pulls into traffic, as we hear its siren.)

(SWAT Kitty graphic and voice-over): "SWAT Kitty. Coming this fall to CBS."

(The partner officer was played by a kitty, whose name is not yet available in IMDB.)

(The responding officer was played by former officer Wahoo Mike McIntee.)

(video)

(me): I can't think of a better occasion for Dave's latest calling of the kitties, from June 2013. (MP3)

••• [College girls are all worked up over the season finale of The Bachelor last night. Some guy named Juan Pablo, who thinks he's too cool to shave, was the source of it all. I've watched this show in the summer with my college female conference staff, and it makes me want to urp. Meanwhile, Dave's steamed about people who try to capitalize on others' success. OK, on with the show, starting with a clip from last night's episode.]
(female voice-over): "After watching Juan Pablo express his feelings to Nikki during The Bachelor season finale..."

(scene): Nikki and Juan Pablo, holding hands in some forest that's probably full of snakes

(Juan Pablo): "I'm not 100% sure that I want to propose to you. But at the same time, I'm 100% sure that I don't want to let you go. I like you a lot. A lot!" (Then the arrogant jackass winks at Nikki.)

(Zales package and FX, plus this female voice-over): "Zales introduces a new product: The I'm Not 100 Percent Sure That I Want To Propose To You, But at the Same Time I'm a Hundred Percent Sure That I Don't Want To Let You Go. I Like You a Lot. A Lot Ring. Only available at Zales. From Your Heart to Her Finger."

(photo of the cheapie ring)

(fine print): ".05 carat diamond set in silver alloy band)

••• interruption: It's that tall, gray-haired actor (last seen on Feb. 18) who plays politicians and hot-shots. Tonight he'll be playing the abnormally-tall mayor of New York. / Here's goes the comedy:
(Dave): "Hi."

(Bill de Blasio): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Can I... can I... Hi. Can I help you with something?"

(Bill de Blasio): "You may, indeed. I'm Bill de Blasio, the mayor of New York City."

(Dave): "Wow! Nice to meet you!" (handshake) "Nice to meet you, Mr. Mayor. What can I do for you?"

(Bill de Blasio): "Well, thanks to all this wonderful audience and all your listeners, congratulations on your 100th show."

(Dave): "Thank you very much.

(Bill de Blasio): "And I'm pleased to present you with this voucher for free access to the city hall gym for the rest of the month."

(Dave): "Wow. That's great! Thank you. That's very generous!"

(Bill de Blasio, applauding with the audience): "And now, say hello to Paul Shaffer."

(Dave): "No no no no no no no no. Paul, no no no no. No no no no. I say that. No. That's fine. I say that. Don't... don't do that, Mr. Mayor."

(Bill de Blasio): "Sorry."

(Dave): "That's alright."

(Bill de Blasio): "Well, congratulations, Dave. And come to New York City, where the parking's always free! Goodnight, everybody!" (handshake)

(Dave): "Oh, yeah."

(Dan Fetter, as a photographer, photographs the gentlemen)

(Dave): "Alright, stop it. Get out of here!"

••• (Photo and Photoshop fun): Michelle Obama has blonde highlights, and Speaker John Boehner is oranger than ever. ••• Dave finally gets around to mentioning Episode 4,000. Barack Obama's in town, and he brings congratulations in the latest "Late Show Unfair Edit." / video:
(graphic): Seal of the President of the United States (horn fanfare and tympani)

(voice-over): "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

(Barack): "Hello, everybody, and all of you at..."

(voice-over): "Late Show with David Letterman"

(Barack): "Congratulations on..."

(voice-over): "your 4,000th show."

(Barack): "From that first broadcast during World War II, and ever since,..."

(voice-over): "Late Show with David Letterman..."

(Barack): "...has been the voice of freedom."

(graphic): Seal of the President of the United States (and horn fanfare and tympani)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "The Post Office stopped collecting mail from street mailboxes last October." / a plug for Nicorette® ••• Top Ten Thoughts I've Had 4,000 Times / (YouTube)
10. Kathy Mavrikakis: "Another Top Ten list? Really?"

9. Jill Goodwin: "Maybe today I'll get to meet Dave."

8. Pat Farmer: "He's coming--hide!"

7. Walter Kim: "Any openings at Wheel of Fortune?"

6. Sheila Rogers: "What is Dave sobbing about now?"

5. Tony Mendez: "Someday I'll be holding cue cards in front of the camera."

4. Biff Henderson: "What is this headset for?"

3. Harold Larkin: "That balcony ain't gonna hold up much longer."

2. Sue Hum: "Stop fussing with your tie, jackass."

1. Paul Shaffer: "I should have never left Canada."

•••
Jason Bateman plugs Bad Words. I really enjoy his appearances. He's a naughty guest, and you never know where he's going to take the interview, or what he'll say. Tonight he lays it on the line about his neighbors from hell. They're aging musicians who want to be up all night, and want no part of hearing construction on Jason's house in the daytime. 1. They sprayed water on the workers ('cause they were hopped-up on weed). 2. They chopped down the construction sign. 3. They superglued the padlock on the construction fence. Treehouses come up. Dave reports weathering a thunderstorm with Harry in his treehouse. Jason's a top-notch guest. He was on for the third taping I was at, on 6/19/08. All I knew about him was he's Justine's brother. He was hilarious. (And how about Jason as color guy Pepper Brooks in Dodgeball?)
••• Will Dave never learn? Seriously, would you let Alan Kalter on your show without permission from the FCC and the National Council of Churches? Here's your transcript.
(Dave): "Our announcer, Alan Kalter, before the program, he came up to me in my dressing room, and I've asked him not to do that. He said, if we have some time, he has a couple of words that he has to share with us, and we do have a little time. Alan, it's all yours. Here he is, Alan Kalter. Take it away, buddy."

(Alan): "Thank you, Gomer. Having trouble finding that special someone? Are you a lady? Then you need to check out eKalter.com," (cue saxophone music) "...the Internet's #7 dating site, exclusively for women. Whether you're looking for true love, or just a romantic, one-night encounter, eKalter.com has a man that will suit every one of your desires. There's Wayne, for example, a cattle rancher who loves nothing more than ridin', ropin' and rubbin' your feet after a long day's work. And here's Mitch, a bad boy who will take you for more than just a ride on his Harley. Then there's Guiseppe, a gondolier whose Tower of Pisa leans slightly to the left."

(Dave): "OK. That's... that's enough, Alan. Those are makin' us..."

(Alan): "Hey! Hey!"

(Dave): "Huh? What?"

(Alan): "If you're a lady..."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Alan): "...who's into ladies..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Alan): "There's lovely Carla."

(hideous photo of Alan in drag, complete with blonde wig)

(Dave): "OK, I don't want to... OK. Alright, thanks. Thank you very much. Thanks." (raising voice) "Thank you for making us sick!"

••• Miles Teller plugs Divergent. ••• Gary Allan sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/12/14 [4001]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Houston. ••• Dave dedicates tonight's public safety siren ("Your ride's here.") to the Houston guy. ••• interruption: It's another Skype call, this time from a middle-aged woman, Monica Darby.

(Dave): "Look at this. Paul, it happened again. We're gettin'... You know what? Skype. It's a Skype."

(Paul): "Someone's Skypeing you?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Let's... I'll take it. It's one of those videos."

(Monica): "The video I did two seconds ago didn't work, so I'll have to start it over."

(Dave): "OK, hello. I'm Dave."

(Monica): "Good evening."

(Dave): "Hi."

(Monica): "I want to show you something."

(Dave): "OK, great."

(Monica): "Hang on."

(Dave): "OK, great. Yeah, but, you know, I think you have the... Oh, lord! I don't know how they get this number, but it's... Ma'am, we're doin' a... Oh."

(Monica, with a bouquet): "These are my beautiful flowers from Kasha Davis. I love 'em. They get prettier by the day."

(Dave): "Good. Thank you, ma'am. Thank you."

••• [sbarro, the Italian restaurant chain, is filing for bankruptcy.] / announcement video:
(clips): various Italian food

(voice-over): "sbarro has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. While we're sborry for the shbort notice, we must close our least sbuccessful locations. Our customers are sbpecial to us, and we sbincerely hope you visit us at our remaining shbopping mall sbtores."

(sbarro graphic)

(voice-over): "sbarro. We thank you for your loyal sbupport."

••• interruption: It's another Skype call from our new pal, Monica Darby.
(Dave): "Oh, no! Here it comes again. It's the same lady. Yes, Monica? Hi. Hi, Monica."

(Monica, fiddling with a yellow Turbie Twist® towel): "Gotta get everything tucked in. Twist this thing around in the back."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Whaddya got?"

(Monica): "Pull it up somehow."

(Dave): "Yeah, there's a button. You got a button, right there."

(Monica): "I like to go around the side."

(Dave): "Uh huh. I'm... It's... I'm Dave, Monica."

(Monica, still fiddling, and not with good results): "Well, you get the idea."

(Dave): "Sure. Yeah, we get the idea. Thanks, Monica."

(Monica): "This works better, actually."

(Dave): "Alright. We'll see you in a bit."

••• monologue:
(Dave): "I don't know if you heard the good news. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez... back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise! It's been a big week for Justin Bieber. He sold his house. You know, he's in a lot of trouble, and he sold his house. He sold it to Khloe Kardashian... bought Justin Bieber's... and it was a huge place, up the coast." (to Paul): "Have you ever been up there? It's like north of Santa Barbara. It's a big, huge, rambling oceanfront estate. It's Justin Bieber's place. I think it's, uh, it's San Simpleton."
••• President did a "Funny or Die" video, but he's not the first president with a viral video. / video:
(title graphic and patriotic, old-time newsreel music): "From the National Archives"

("Hail to the Chief" and graphic): "President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1954"

(black and white film): President Eisenhower, butt naked, covering his junk, streaks toward a tennis court. He apparently runs full-speed into a plexiglass wall around the court. We're not being told he's OK.

(title graphic and patriotic, old-time newsreel music)

••• interruption: It's another Skype call from Monica.
(Dave, hollering): "Alright, we're here! Lady, come on!"

(Monica): "...some different products that I'm trying."

(Monica holds up Nestle® Goobers™): "I've got these... "

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Monica): "...these for later."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Monica): "Those are always good."

(Dave): "Yeah, they are always good."

(Monica): "Goobers™."

(Dave): "Goobers™."

(Monica): "Peanuts... you get your protein there."

(Dave): "Sure!"

(Monica): "So those are good."

(Dave): "Sure. Yeah, you get your protein. Yeah."

(Monica): "So that's a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about today."

(Dave, giggling): "OK, well."

(Monica): "Anyhoo, have a good night."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Monica): "I'm gonna make coffee soon."

(Dave): "Sure."

(Monica): "I've got this facial on. It's full of salt. Tastes terrible."

(Dave): "Oh, no!"

(Monica): "I thought it was sugar. Disgusting."

(Dave): "No, it's not. It's salt, yeah."

(Monica): "Don't eat it."

(Dave): "No, I won't."

(Monica signs off.)

(Dave): "Alright, thank you. Nice... alright. There she is, ladies and gentlemen. Look! It's my buddy, Paul!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder!": "Since 2014 is an even-numbered year, you do not have to file taxes." / a plug for J. C. Penney® ••• out of commercial: Dave has dinner at 21 for the Houston peeps. ••• [review of the crazed cat from Portland story] / Top Ten Notes Taken by the Hostile Cat's Therapist / (I thought it was amusing that Dave accidentally set up the Top Ten with, "Here we go. The CATegory, a family in Oregon was chased and trapped in their bedroom by their crazed pet cat.") •••
Sylvester Stallone plugs Rocky, the new Broadway play. It's at the Winter Garden Theatre, 1634 Broadway, between 50th and 51st. The play opens tomorrow, March 13. The 1976 film has been turned into this new musical. I didn't realize until I looked at IMDB just now that Sylvester wrote the movie. I've never seen it all the way through, that I recall. Apparently Rocky drinking raw eggs was kind of a big deal in the movie. In the scene, he dumps several into a glass. (YouTube) Dave and Sylvester both knock back a glass of raw eggs. This nutritional practice was first recommended by Dr. Sal Monella of Johns Hopkins in the early 1970s.
••• Joe Grossman has some jokes about the long, hard winter. He enters with his little book.

  1. "This winter, New York City had 56 inches of snow, but you'll be dry and cozy when you towel off the snow with J. C. Penney's QuickDri™ towels, which dry 30% faster than other towels, and come in 18 colors and patterns, to match any home decor." (rim shot)

  2. "The average temperature of New York this winter was an uncomfortable 28.6°, but you'll never be uncomfortable on J. C. Penney's Liquid Cotton sheets. These 100% Pima cotton sheets are lightweight, buttery-soft, and less expensive than high-thread-count luxury sheets. J. C. Penney: When it fits, you feel it." (rim shot)

    (Dave): "Stop that, Anton! Now, wait a minute. These are not jokes about winter at all. They're jokes about towels at J. C. Penney? Now, is someone asking you or paying you to say things about J. C. Penney towels? Joe, honestly?"

    (Joe): "Yes."

    (Dave): "Well, you know, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Did you write any actual jokes about winter, Joe?"

    (Joe): "Hold on."

    (Dave): "Yeah, I've got nothin' but time."

    (J. C. Penney ad onscreen at this point)

    (Joe): "I've got one."

    (Dave): "Oh, great. OK. This is a joke about the winter. This'll work."

  3. "It was so cold last week, when Letterman went to sleep on his Isotonic® Isocool™ synthetic pillow from J. C. Penney, his teeth were chattering in the glass." (rim shot)
Dave gives Joe the boot.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and Alan's sippy cup ••• Theo James plugs Divergent. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Alex Buly, production associate and stand-up comedy booker. ••• Ledisi sings. ••• full credits and extended closing theme ••• after credits: drinking raw eggs ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/13/14 [4002]: "Sexy or Creepy?" / video:

(title graphic)

(graphic and voice-over): "Pole-dancing robot."

We see a modern-looking robot that has an outdoor security camera for a head. Ms. Robot is putting the moves on a brass pole. The robot seems to have ball-and-socket joints in the hip region, as there's a lot of gyration going on.

(voice-over and FX stamp): "INCONCLUSIVE"

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Sexy or Creepy?' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: It's another Skype call from Monica Darby.
(me): This is no party for episode log proprietors. Dave and Monica talk over each other nonstop, and Monica talks baby talk to her kitties. Anyway, here we go. DDY Cares.

(Dave): "Oh, you know what this is? This is... it's a Skype. This is one of those Skype deals. How do I do it? Do I just... Alright, let's... come on."

(Monica, who's holding a very disinterested cat): "Tell Momma (something / baby talk). 'Love you so much, Mommy.' "

(Dave): "OK, it's... Ma'am?

(Monica, baby talk): "Awww, Momma loves the baby. Does the baby love the Mommy?"

(Dave): "Ah, yes. Ma'am, we're right in the middle of a..."

(Monica): "Mommy loves the baby!"

(Dave): "I know you do."

(Monica): "Mommy's gonna kiss her babies!"

(Dave): "I tell you what. I'll call you..."

(Monica): "OK. Next baby."

(Dave): "Alright, I'll call you right after..."

(Monica): "Where's Bob? Bobby?"

(Dave): "We'll call you. Oh, my God. How does she get the number?"

••• You guessed it. It's another Skype from Monica.
(Dave): "OK, here it comes again. Is this?"

(Monica): "I've gotta get another cat."

(Dave): "Oh, get another cat."

(Monica): "Bobby?"

(Dave): "I'm so confused now."

(Monica): (something) "It's Georgy."

(Dave): "Ma'am?"

(Monica): "Georgy's gone."

(Dave): "Monica? Can you...? OK."

(Monica): "Here's old man George."

(Dave): "Right."

(George smacks Monica in the left eye.)

(Monica): "Isn't he beautiful?"

(Dave): "Lovely!"

(George smacks Monica in the right eye, not that we care.)

(Monica): "Oh, come on. Momma loves you."

(Monica, mocking George's voice): "Oh, for Christ's sake, will you leave me alone?"

(Dave): "Oh... OK."

(Monica): "They all have their own voices."

(Dave): "I'm sorry..."

(Monica): "Doesn't anybody want to kiss Momma?"

(Dave): "No. Everybody wants a kiss... OK."

(Monica): "We're gonna get married!"

(Dave): "OK. Alright, thanks."

(Monica): "OK. George doesn't want to be bothered. Hang on."

(Dave): "OK. Thank you. Wow."

••• monologue:
(Dave): "Yesterday in Washington... I didn't realize this 'til today... had a big power outage. And, uh, I thought, 'Well, wait a minute. I think the Obama administration's been without power the entire second term.' "
••• The only thing glowing in Washington yesterday was John Boehner's face. It's now not just orange, it's fluorescent. ••• How do you say Boehner's name again? Let's check in with the Speaker. John: "It's Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner." ••• Dianne Feinstein's all worked up over the CIA. / video:
(Senator Feinstein): "There are thousands of such documents in the committee's secure spaces at the CIA facility. Now, prior removal of documents by the CIA." (The Senator leans over to get a drink, like Marco Rubio.)

(While Senator Feinstein is getting beveraged up, we hear the sound of an electric winch, and through the magic of green screen appears Associate Producer Mike McIntee as a CIA operative, upside down, being lowered from the rafters to snatch a document. It's a stealth operation, if ever there was one. The Senator is none the wiser. Mission accomplished!

(Senator Feinstein): "In early..."

••• Wait a minute. Is it Bayner or Boner? / The Speaker replies, "Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner." ••• Dammit! It's Monica Darby again. /
(Dave): "Oh, look, Paul. It's another call!"

(Monica, with George again, I think, but who gives a rat's ass?): "The doctor called. He said, 'Mommy needs a kiss, or she'll die!' "

(Dave, laughing)

(Monica): "Oh, my God! You want to kiss Momma? It's true! Mommy doesn't lie!"

(Dave): "No."

(Monica, mimicking George): 'Yes she does, for kisses!' "

(Dave): "OK, then."

(Monica): "Ohhh!"

(Dave): "Alright, thanks for calling."

(Monica): "Aren't they gorgeous?"

(Dave): "No, it's... Yeah, they are. They're really gorgeous."

(Monica): "They love me. That's why I'm covered in scratches."

(Dave): "Yeah, OK."

(Monica): "Who's your momma?"

(Dave): "Thank you. That's Monica, phoning in again. Ladies and gentlemen... Paul Shaffer!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Canadian Maritime Province Shout-Out": "Hey, New Brunswick!" / a plug for DiGiorno ••• desk chat: WE TV has ordered a pilot of the British show Sex Box. Yes, a couple services each other in a box, then tells about it on TV. / Top Ten Questions People Have About the New Television Show "Sex Box" / #2: Newt humping that vending machine •••
Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad plugs his new Broadway play, All the Way, which is about Lyndon Baines Johnson. Hey, remember when LBJ ordered pants from Haggar™? (video) The play's at the Neil Simon Theatre, 250 West 52nd Street. It seems to be getting good reviews.
••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Island Packet, Bluffton, South Carolina: headline: "Island Cindo de Mayo festival set May 10"

  • The Messenger, Madisonville, Kentucky: advertisement for urology clinic: "March Vasness: 1 vasectomy, 1 large pizza & 1 weekend excuse to watch college basketball!"

  • The Oregonian, Portland, Oregon: "...a resident reported that he was frightened by a mysterious bright light shining through the trees. The responding officers... determined the offending light source was... the earth's moon."

  • The Daily American Republic, Poplar Bluff, Missouri: FIRE REPORT: "...unauthorized burn... an article of clothing was found burning in the road. A firefighter stepped on it to put it out."

  • The Chester Progressive, Chester, California: POLICE BLOTTER: "...a caller reported that there were many wolf spiders in her house. She said one of the spiders was the size of a small horse and that it was waving at her."

  • The Southtowns Pennysaver, Angola, New York: PET FIRST AID ARTICLE CORRECTION: "In the paragraph about choking, we inadvertently wrote that 'If you see a foreign object, do not attempt to remove it.' It should have read, 'If you see a foreign object, DO attempt to remove it.' "

  • The Duncan Banner, Duncan, Oklahoma: HEADLINE: "Thieves swipe six security cameras."

  • The Dayton Daily News, EVENT NOTICE: "Lunch and Learn": "Constipation in Senior Adults"

  • Your New Home Magazine, Fairgrove, Missouri: HOME FOR SALE: "This property is great for so many reasons. Lucas Speedway is at your front door. Quiet Neighborhood."

  • The Amery Free Press, Amery, Wisconsin: HEADLINE: "Man mistreats bacon, is arrested"
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show is a proud member of the Broadway Green Alliance. Visit BROADWAYGREEN.COM for eco-friendly tips. Small changes make a difference." ••• Melissa Rauch plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• Bob Newhart bumper ••• outside shot: Lower Manhattan and the Freedom Tower ••• LE1F sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/14/14 [4003]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Italy. ••• interruption: You guessed it. Monica Darby has gotten past security again, and joins Dave via Skype.

(Dave): "Oh, wait a minute. I think I'm gonna get one of those... Is it coming in? Oh, here it comes. There it is, right there! You know what this is. This is a Skype. Sometimes we get these Skype calls. It's like video TV... phone TV. Look at this. Hi! Hi, Monica! How are you? It's Dave."

(Monica, making out with one of her cats): "Ouch!"

(Dave): "What happened?"

(Monica): "What is this scratch about? Momma loves you."

(Dave): "You know what it is... Monica, you know, we're right in the middle of the show..."

(Monica): "Ow, look at you... OWW!" (unintelligible) Monica dumps the cat.

(Dave): "OK, I'll tell you what. Why don't you call... call later?

(Monica): "I'll see you again. Next time, I think I'll even comb my hair."

(Dave): "OK, do that. It's Monica. She's always... calls in the middle of the show."

••• Dave tells a couple of jokes, then Monica re-emerges.
(Dave): "Hold it. Wait a minute here. Is this Monica again? Let's just see. Hi. Hey, Monica, how're you doin'?"

(Monica, who didn't comb her hair): "So, of course, I did get somethin' for later. Hang on." (moves off-camera, but we get a nice view of her light switch while she's away)

(Dave): "What'd you get? Wait a minute. Monica? Oh, damn! She calls, and then she gets up and leaves. Monica!"

(Monica): "I've got some goodies here."

(Dave): "What'd you get?"

(Monica shows Pringles®.)

(Dave): "What else?"

(Monica): unintelligible

(Dave): "Junior Mints®. Yeah, you've got the party pack. Anything else?"

(Monica, shows a large Snickers® bar)

(Dave): "Oh, yeah!"

(Monica): "What's better than that?"

(Dave): "Nothin'! Nothin is better than..."

(Monica drops out.)

(Dave): "Now, oh! We got disconnected."

••• Vladimir Putin has supposedly been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. As you can well imagine, word of this development has resulted in spit takes worldwide. / video:
unknown, maybe George Hamilton, unknown, Danny Thomas, unknown male (or female?), unknown, unknown, unknown, unknown, unknown, unknown, 70s guy takes a drink and asks, "What did you say?"

(voice-over): "This piece has been made possible by The Museum of the Moving Image, home to the largest collection of spit takes in the world. Closed Mondays."

(shot of a giant warehouse, like in Raiders of the Lost Ark)

••• interruption: After a merciful two-minute break, it's Monica Darby again.

(Dave): "Oh, my God, is that right! Did you give her this number, Paul?"

(Paul): "I didn't mean to."

(Dave): "Alright. Monica? Hello, Monica? Hi. Welcome back. What do you got?"

(Monica): "I think that a few of you know I make soap."

(Dave): "You made what? Soap?"

(Monica): "I tried to, with liquid soap."

(Dave): "Uh huh. OK."

(Monica): "We have a few glitches."

(Dave): "Sure. Yeah, that's better."

(Monica): "A: getting it out of the bottle... is a little difficult."

(Monica has a large plastic jug, and she pours a long, thin stream of an off-white goo into who-knows-what. The goo dangles.)

(Dave): "Please, Monica, don't. Don't do that. Please. Stop! No, no. Stop! Just, go. No, no. Stop doing that. Goodbye."

(Monica): "And, of course, the bubbles."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. Yeah."

(Monica): "We have a couple of glitches here."

(Dave): "Yeah, I'll bet you did."

••• Barack Obama appeared in that "Funny or Die" video recently, but he wasn't the first president to do a wacky presidential video. Jimmy Carter cranked one out.
(title graphic and patriotic, old-time newsreel music): "From the National Archives"

("Hail to the Chief" and graphic): "President Jimmy Carter, 1978."

(clip): It's one of the many viral YouTube videos of a guy who slips on a treadmill. This guy gets shot backward into a bunch of dumbbells.

(title graphic and patriotic, old-time newsreel music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I just had a million dollar idea. I'm going to start a company that sells a million dollars' worth of a product or service." / a plug for Nationwide® ••• [The Internet is 25 years old this week.] / Top Ten Terms Never Before Searched on the Internet / #6 is a shout out to a lady wearing horizontal stripes. / #1: Chris Christie's abs •••
Bill O'Reilly plugs his latest book, Killing Jesus. He's had 10 #1 best sellers. Dave and Bill visit about some of the naughty videos being released by singers these days. Beyoncé and Miley are mentioned. Then they get into Vladimir Putin's recent toying with Barack Obama. (interlude: shirtless Putin clips) Bill says Putin's a narcissist. That much is certain. Bill floats his theory that the recent Malaysian Airlines Boeing 777 disappearance has to be a pilot suicide. I think a lot of the unexplained pieces would fit with this theory, assuming that the pilot began by killing the cockpit crew. Finally, Dave wonders if Bill has ever taken a swing at anyone on the show. Bill says with Barney Frank, he came close (except he was on the satellite). The discussion got heated because Bill felt Barney was lying. We close with the Barney Frank hooters clip.
••• desk chat: Dave briefly comments on Bill O'Reilly, and wishes he (Dave) had 10 more IQ points. It was nice to see Dave and Bill playing nice again. They had a very good interview. ••• An unknown singer presents "Rambo: The Musical." It lasts 36 seconds. That seemed just right. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Sheryl Zelikson, music producer, with Larry Mullen, Jr. of U2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, a man who survived nine hours locked in a grocery store, living on nothing but food and beverages." ••• Nick Griffin does stand-up. I really liked his joke about his ex-girlfriend saying, "I love you" for the first time. Nick replied, "I love you, too." It's kind of like saying gesundheit. ••• The Dough Rollers deliver a truly awful musical performance. As I opined on alt.fan.letterman, it was "four minutes of cacophony and caterwauling." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/17/14: REPEAT FROM 2/27/14

3/18/14: REPEAT FROM 2/05/14

3/19/14: REPEAT FROM 2/04/14

3/20/14: REPEAT FROM 2/24/14

3/21/14: REPEAT FROM 2/19/14

3/24/14 [4004]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Bostonians. ••• [The Syracuse Orange got the boot in the second round of the NCAA tournament, compliments of Dayton, whoever that is.] / In memoriam, Dave treats us to the Ultra Orange photo of Speaker Boehner. John fluoresces before our very eyes. ••• Ray LaHood was Secretary of Transportion for about four years. Ever heard of him? Me neither. Is Ray our new Monica Darby? Time will tell. / video:

(Ray, seated at a desk): "Hello, everyone. This is Ray LaHood. We focus on many different forms of transportation: roads and bridges, light rail, streetcars, buses, and then, of course, other forms of transportation, too."
••• Back by popular demand, Ray LaHood... / video:
(Ray): "I just took a train, uh, last weekend, from Washington to New York... Amtrak train. You can read newspapers, you can use your iPad, you can use your Blackberry, you can talk on the phone. If you want a quiet car on this corridor... the Northeast Corridor, you can go to a quiet car and not listen to somebody else's phone conversation. Amtrak really gets it now."
••• [The White House is buying a new presidential limousine.] / video:
(graphic): Homeland Security insignia

(voice-over): "The Department of Homeland Security will award a contract to build the next presidential limousine."

(animation): mock-up of the vehicle

(voice-over): "The limousine must weigh at least 10,000 pounds, contain a foam-sealed fuel tank, bumper-mounted night vision cameras, tear gas cannons and this feature.

(doctored video): Barack Obama is in the back seat of the presidential vehicle. He's rambling on to the sunglasses-wearing driver.

(Obama): "Go to healthcare.gov, take a look for yourself, in your state. What's available to you... there's no reason why..."

(The president is now unintelligible, because the rhetoric-weary driver has thrown the switch on the privacy divider between him and POTUS.

(voice-over): "A message from the Department of Homeland Security."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Might Be True": "Below the equator, merry-go-rounds rotate in the other direction." / a plug for Macy's® •••

desk chat:

This is as much insight as we'll ever get into Dave's life. He has a little vacation anecdote for us. / video of an unshaved Dave, out in nature with Harry:

(Dave, while close to a camera, to Harry): "Do you know how you get this out of video?" (Dave now rotates 90° counterclockwise, then back to 0°)

(Harry, exasperated): "You slide it from the video camera to the camera!" (Whoops! Dave's back to 270°.)

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea, but..."

(me): We've got a vacation-ending cliffhanger on our hands.

(Dave): "Dumbbell Daddy!"

••• [Pope Francis leaned on the Mafia really hard three days ago, informing those scofflaws that they'd better repent, or they're going to serve time in hell.] / Top Ten People Who Will Go to Hell / #8: Most Jong-Uns / #3: People with the desire and financial means to visit hell •••
President Jimmy Carter plugs his new book, A Call to Action: Women, Religion, Violence, and Power. Dave and Jimmy have a little small talk about his extended family, then they get to the matter of Putin's shenanigans in the Ukraine this month. He says that Russians historically consider Crimea to be part of Russia, and the invasion - if that's what you call it - was inevitable. Dave asks the question that many of his viewers have been stewing about: What if the United States invades Windsor, Ontario? Jimmy cautions that Canadians will take a dim view of it.

Now to the serious topic of the book. Jimmy wants to bring the world's attention to widespread abuse of females, with slave trading, genital mutilation and all manner of evil, and abuse of young females, even in the United States, by frat boys, of course. Mr. Carter goes on to state that often people in power fail to take action against abuse of females, so as not to make their country, their university, etc. look bad. The statistics that Jimmy reports are staggering.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show: where clean restrooms and courteous station attendants are a fact, not just a promise." ••• Josh Charles plugs The Good Wife. ••• The Hold Steady sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper, with credits: Dave monkeying with the video camera •••
I went up to my little hometown of Denton this evening, as the local banker for 67 years passed last week. Except for World War II and two years of business college, he'd lived there all of his 92 years. It's beautiful country up there, with topsoil six feet deep. You can grow pretty much anything but palm trees. My home county borders Nebraska and Missouri, and my hometown is 124 miles from Wahoo, Nebraska. I need to go there sometime.

3/25/14 [4005]: monologue: His Majesty Vladimir Putin has gotten Russia kicked out of the G8 alliance, because he's beady-eyed and he sucks. / We get a few Bingo scenes. ••• interruption:

(voice-over): "Just look at these amazing results!"

(split screen): Dave is "Before." A 20-something hunk is "After."

(Dave): "What is that? What amazing results? Stop that! Get that out of there!"

The End.

•••
[Emil De Leon correctly guessed "new baby buggy" from only two letters on Wheel of Fortune. (story)] Dave says that's impressive, unless you've seen the entire show. / clips: Emil guesses "new baby buggy" from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," from "Sounds a bit iffy" and from "the pitter-patter of little feet." Emil's not so hot after all, is he?
••• [The other day, someone in South America sent condoms filled with liquid cocaine to the Vatican.] Dave hints that some of the blow made its way to the Pope himself, who may or may not be a little wired in the following message.
(clip): We see Pope Francis at a lectern, poping. What we hear brings back awesome memories.

(Sam Kinison, in a stand-up routine, voicing over the Pope): "Oh, Jesus had it tough. People took advantage of him. They found out he could do miracles and wonders, you know? So he'd be, like, healin' the blind and healin' lepers (censored). Five thousand would show up with no (beep) food. They weren't sick. They didn't need any healing. They were too (beep) lazy to make a (beep) sandwich for the day. 'I know. Let's let Jesus get it!' He's tryin' to preach. He's tryin' to share all this information. They go, 'What? What? Five thousand, and not one of you brought a sandwich?' (screaming, as only Sam can scream, quoting Jesus) 'I guess you expect me to get it, huh? I didn't come to be Jesus the Miracle Caterer! There's no pressure. I'll just (beep) create food out of the (beep) air.' "

(me): I really miss Sam. I got to see him in Manhattan just days before we lost him to a wreck. He was one of a kind, and always hilarious.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm not happy about the Crimea situation, but at least it's gotten people talking about peninsulas." / a plug for Macy's® ••• There's a cupcake ATM in New York City on the Upper East Side. I want to see one in Midtown when I show up there in June! (link) / Top Ten Things Overheard in Line for the Cupcake ATM / #6: "Everyone here smells like weed." / #2: "Quit licking the slot." (YouTube) •••
Emma Watson drops by to plug Noah. She'll get two segments (15 minutes). Emma looks awesome in a black suit, with a white blouse. (Late Show Twitter photo) Dave begins by reporting that Harry has begun reading the Harry Potter books. Emma's fine with the idea of starting with the books. In May she will graduate from Brown with a degree in English. She came from England to America to study English.

An exact replica of Noah's Ark (plus a smaller version) was built for the movie near Long Island. Along the way, Hurricane Sandy showed up and dumped a flood on the ark. In other movie magic, Emma's character was pregnant. She made the mistake of requesting a lifelike pregnancy appliance, then didn't get a great deal of sympathy from her mother when she complained about the discomfort.

We learn from Emma that in the Harry Potter days, early on she was very uneasy about watching herself in her films, but she believes it was Professor Minerva McGonagall who pointed out that watching herself is a good way to improve her work. Dave says Johnny Depp doesn't like to watch himself, either. Shecky comes up with a goofy bogus clip, then we see the real deal, including Russell Crowe as Noah.

(interview)

I thought I was done for the night, then I looked at alt.fan.letterman, where Mr. Don Giller informs us that Shecky's goofy clip is from a 1921 Buster Keaton short film, The Boat. (YouTube)

••• Much has been made of the revelation on last night's show that Josh Charles' character in The Good Wife kicked the bucket. Dave and staff have decided to jump on the bandwagon and kill off Alan Kalter's character, Alan Kalter, on the Late Show. Little does he know, Alan will be announcing his own fate.
(cue suspenseful music)

(Alan, holding a script): "Dave, this week a beloved Late Show character won't make it out alive!"

(Alan opens and reads it.): "Will it be announcer Alan Kalter?"

(Alan): "There's nothing else on this paper."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Alan): "So... so... so... so it's me, Dave?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Alan, steamed): "Oh, great!"

(Dave): "No, I didn't..."

(Alan): "No! I'm out of a job, aren't I, Dave?"

(Dave): "No... no... no. It's... no."

(Alan): "You're... you're... you're lettin' me find out this way?"

(Dave): "No, it's not..."

(Alan): "Gonna be so much fun going back to doing Dial® soap commercials and gout awareness PSAs!"

(Dave): "No... it's..."

(Alan, hollering, standing up): "Hey! Hey!"

(Dave): "What?"

(Alan): "Hey! Hey! Hey! Take a big, fat bite out of my ass!"

(Dave): "No, Alan. Oh my, it's... It's not... It hasn't even happened yet. Wait a minute."

(Alan takes a powder, but soon re-emerges.): "Forgot my NCIS mug."

(Nancy Agostini tries to hide while on camera.)

(Dave, to Paul): "He's such a hothead."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our experts show you how to make your own molecules from items you have around the house." ••• Nick Offerman plugs his off-Broadway play, Annapurna. It's opening at the Acorn Theatre, 410 West 42nd Street. In the play, Nick's character is reunited with his wife, who he ran off from 20 years earlier. His wife is played by his wife, Megan Mullally. ••• The Stypes sing. ••• Alan Kalter, back from his powder, says good night.

3/26/14 [4006]:


It's the Late Show with Monica Darby tonight.
(Dave): "Oh, you know what this is? It's one of those Skype things. We get 'em from time to time. Alright, go ahead and turn it on. I don't know how. Oh, hi."

(Monica, with a gray cat): "Good morning, everyone. I have Lilly here."

(Dave): "Ah, good. We're... Ma'am, we're right in..."

(Monica): "She doesn't look too happy."

(Dave): "That's OK, but you know, we're right in the middle of the..."

(Monica): "She doesn't want me to hold her."

(Dave): "Uh huh. OK. Alright, maybe you can kiss your..."

(Monica smooches Lilly.): "Aw, you don't love your mommy today."

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. Kiss your cat later."

(Monica): "Oh, not gonna work. Well, anyway..."

(Dave): "OK. OK. I don't know how they get this number. They call in here all the time."

(me): Want to see the entire video? No, you don't.

••• Monica Darby rejoins us, via Skype.
(Dave): "Ah, what is it? What do you want? Yeah, what?"

(Monica): "I'm gonna make breakfast. I'm starving!"

(Dave): "Uh huh. That's the most..."

(Monica): "Ham, eggs, toast, chocolate milk, and I'm good."

(Dave): "Yeah, sure!"

(Monica): "And then I'm gonna clean this disaster area, 'cause I feel pretty good today. It's a good day to clean."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Monica): "OK, bye."

(Dave): "Ham, eggs, toast, chocolate milk! That's right."

(me): Want to see the entire video? It's more from the one above that you didn't watch.

••• [Vladimir Putin, Dave's favorite male model, invaded Crimea the other day. Apparently you're not supposed to do that, so the other leaders of the G8 kicked Pooty out of the club.] Photoshop fun: It's the G8 leaders, shirtless. ••• Monica Darby rejoins us, via Skype.
(Dave): "Oh, no, it's... OK, it's Monica. Hi. Whaddya got?"

(Monica, holding up a cheese package): "This is one of my favorite things: BelGioioso. Extra-sharp provolone cheese."

(Dave): "Oh, extra-sharp provolone, yeah."

(Monica): "Some people don't like the smell of it. I love it. I reminds me of Grandma's house. Childhood." (eats some)

(Dave): "You know, I appreciate the call, but..."

(Monica): "If you have not tried it, get yourself some."

(Dave): "OK."

(Monica): "You're gonna love it!"

(Dave): "OK, but you know, if you could call later..."

(Monica): "I've tried a lot of different cheese, brie, this, that and the other kind."

(Dave): "Yeah, sure. We'll all tried a lot of..."

(Monica): "But I always come back to this."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Monica): drops out

(Dave): "OK. Yeah, well, God bless you!"

(me): (Here you go.)

••• "Sex and Technology" / video:
(title graphic and techy-sounding music)

(voice-over): "According to a recent survey, 5% of people have checked Facebook during sex, 12% have answered a phone call and 3% have sent a fax."

(a clip you'll never be able to unsee): It's Shecky, pants down, servicing a fax machine.

(Shecky, calmly): "I need a little help here. Hello?"

(graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching Recycled Footage Theater."

(me): The title probably has something to do with having seen Shecky's mishap on 6/08/11, 10/02/12 and 12/19/13.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "Don't mess with that little thing that hangs down in the back of your throat." / a plug for Netflix® ••• desk chat: Tonight's guest, Peter Dinklage, was not in King of Thrones, as Dave misspoke earlier, but Game of Thrones. •••

"Charts and Graphs" (with the new theme song, featuring Will Lee)

Dave delays "Charts and Graphs" to mention that the husband of my favorite guest, Amanda Peet, David Benioff, is a writer for Game of Thrones. "What's his name?" Paul asks. "I don't care," Dave replies, "but she's delightful." Let's all watch Amanda on TV.

America's favorite tablets
    25% iPad
    15% Amazon Kindle
    60% Vicodin
    I thought they were going to say "Big Chief." I grew up near St. Joe, Mo., where Big Chief tablets were made.

"The Ides of March" refers to what?
    50% March 15th, the date of Julius Caesar's assassination in 44 BC
    50% Ides don't know.

Dave goes off-script again, with more on Amanda Peet.

Why do you own a cell phone?
    48% I like being able to stay in touch with people.
    39% I like having mobile Internet access.
    13% I like carrying a radioactive device in my pants.

Now Dave visits with Paul about working with magician Doug Henning, and the secrets of sawing a woman in half.

Things magicians say when sawing someone in half
    51% "Ta-da."
    34% "Abracadabra."
    15% "Oops."

Phrases that almost never end well
    25% "No offense, but..."
    25% "With all due respect..."
    50% "I do."

••• Peter Dinklage plugs Game of Thrones. I don't know what it is, and I don't care. ••• Amanda Peet photo bumper ••• Forbes has named Vladimir Putin the 4th-most-powerful man in the world. / Top Ten Captions for Vladimir Putin Photos / #7: Cosmonaughty / #1: Horses's ass on a horse's ass ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Harvey Goldberg, music mixing engineer, with Steven Tyler. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Because customer service is not our highest priority, we don't monitor or record your calls. ••• Hari Kondabolu does stand-up. I thought he was good. ••• Sage the Gemini (with special guest IamSu) rap. How did they get booked? ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/27/14: REPEAT FROM 2/18/14 (NCAA)

3/28/14: REPEAT FROM 3/04/14 (NCAA)

3/30/14: Writers Steve Young, Matt Roberts and Bill Scheft appear on CBS Sunday Morning for a segment entitled "What's So Funny?" It includes brief interviews with the writers and a Harvard brain researcher, plus a look back at Groucho, Lucy and Henny Youngman.

3/31/14 [4007]:

Spoiler: We'll make it through tonight's telecast without a visit from Monica Darby. I did some research over the weekend. She has 27 YouTube videos posted now. If the writers stay with her, pretty soon we're going to run out of her cat and junk food videos, and have to get into her fascination with drag queens.
••• It's a bit of a rough night for Dave. He's noticeably hoarse and froggy, and a little cranky. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Abby, from parts unknown: "Abby, for the love of God, flush the toilet." At least she didn't bring up Dave's socks. ••• The show has gotten a hold of Prince William and Kate's first official family photo, with their little tyke and a doggie. / Photoshop fun: Jerry widens the shot to reveal that the royal family live over a Chinese restaurant (and next door to a psychic.) •••
video: John "Big Orange" Boehner is outside, mowing. He says, "I love... green grass."

Hey, Mr. Speaker, how is it again that you pronounce your name?

(John): "Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner."

•••
An Internet rumor is bouncing around to the effect that Kim Jong-un decreed that all North Korean males have to get a haircut like him. Dave: "It's like, in this country, if Justin Bieber were president." / Kim Jong-un photo / Dave: "So, to make it easy when you get to the barbershop, just ask for... just tell 'em you want the Sleeping Woodchuck." Thankfully, in this great nation, you can get your hair cut any way you want. / glamour photo: Donald Trump
••• Last week marked the 25th birthday of the Internet, compliments of Al Gore Sir Timothy Berners-Lee. Here's a special announcement. /
(orchestral music)

(photo and voice-over by Sir Timothy): "I, Tim Berners-Lee, inventor of the World Wide Web, propose the following Internet Bill of Rights:

  1. Amendment One: freedom of speech, no matter how unpopular or contested

  2. Amendment Two: freedom of privacy: liberated from those who track data without consent

  3. Amendment Three: freedom of preference: able to research any subject of interest, including female bodybuilders

  4. Amendment Four: freedom from shame: the shame of being chastised for studying female bodybuilders on a public library computer, even though that's perfectly legal

  5. Amendment Five: freedom to connect, frankly and affectionately, with female bodybuilders all over the world, and

  6. Amendment Six: freedom of companionship... the kind of warm, safe, calming companionship that only female bodybuilders can provide"
(graphic): "The Internet Bill of Rights"
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Lip gloss: Am I the only one who prefers a woman with beautiful un-glossed lips?" / a plug for Chevrolet ••• Top Ten Other Names Considered by Puff Daddy / #6: a shout out to Abby in the audience: "Flush Abby" ••• detour:
Proceed to your houses of worship. Dave's monkeying with the Macbook Pro on his desk, wanting to tweet something. He says, "The thing left." Nancy Agostini moseys over from her perch to assist. Eventually Dave manages to tweet:

Dave says if we're going to reply to his tweet, he doesn't want to see "assface, you blow or suck it." Then he finishes the TTL.

•••
Cobie Smulders, who wrapped How I Met Your Mother tonight, plugs Captain America. She can't tell what happened on the last show, since the audience haven't seen it, but I'll tell you. Josh Charles got shot. Cobie's show ran nine seasons, and she's very grateful for the long-time employment. She's moving to New York to hang with her SNL husband. Cobie moved to New York days after graduating from high school, to be a model, so it's hardly her first visit. Back to How I Met Your Mother... the writers had the foresight to tape scenes for the series finale nine years ago, so the kids would still look the right age. We see a bogus Captain America clip, compliments of Shecky, then the real deal. I don't have a clue what this film is about.
•••
desk chat: Dave's stewing about the tweet. The staff have explained how he screwed it up. Dave's still pretending that he thinks you type hashtag instead of #. He's just screwin' around, but he doesn't care. Dave engages Nancy in a discussion of the tweet, and how it's likely to work out for people from Neptune, for example. Nancy explains that what Daddy did was like mailing a letter without an address.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Kelly Belair, production associate & standup comedy booker. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "You won't find all that in some so-called 'book.' " ••• Nick Cannon plugs his new album, White People Party Music. ••• Manchester Orchestra perform. I thought they were good. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/01/14 [4008]: It's day two of Dave's bout with laryngitis, but he seems to be feeling better today. ••• The Mets have had a tough century. / "2014 New York Mets Preview" / video:

(title graphic and "Take Me Out to the Ballgame")

(photo): Citi Field (which I always see on the final approach to LaGuardia for DaveCon)

(voice-over, with matching photos): "In the months ahead, let's focus on our many blessings, such as friends, family, freedom, health, the promise of a new day, the laughter of a child. This has been a '2014 New York Mets Preview.' "

(title graphic)

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Cincinnati. ••• Here's a new segment: "What?!? Triple Negative Edition" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(NBC News reporter): "No counterintelligence official in the United States does not believe that Mr. Snowden, the NSA contractor, is not under the influence of Russian intelligence services."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(me): I know what he's trying to say, but to save my life, I don't know what he, strictly speaking, did say.

••• Hey, do you like the Biblical movies? Noah opened a few days ago, but there have been other Biblical blockbusters, which brings us to "Biblical Movie Roundup." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over and logos): "Noah, Son of God (Jesus: "One of you here will betray me.), The Muppets Perish in Sodom and Gomorrah (Muppet: "Fire! Fire! Fire!"). Thanks for watching the 'Biblical Movie Roundup.' "

(title graphic)

••• [The enormous Chris Christie has been exonerated of any involvement in the 2013 George Washington Bridge scandal by a law firm that was hand-picked by him.] / "Questionable Details in the Chris Christie Report" / video:
(title graphic and documentary music)

(voice-over): "Page 10. Our investigation found that Governor Christie did not know of the lane realignment beforehand and had no involvement in the decision to realign the lanes. Page 14. Governor Christie ate a salad. 'Questionable Details in the Chris Christie Report' is a production of Fatco."

(title graphic)

••• There is an unexpected live feed from the governor's mansion in Trenton, New Jersey. (Why the graphic says the feed is from Princeton, New Jersey is a mystery to me.) / video: It's a hot dog factory, and those wienies are flying! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": The tomato is neither a pea nor a nut." / a plug for H&R Block ••• Leo Nocentelli, the funk guitarist, is sitting in tonight. •••
As you can see from yesterday's log, Dave tweeted "What now?" last night. / (It didn't soak in to me that TTL entries would be taken from civilians' replies.) Top Ten Responses to My Tweet / Contributors were @JAMZARM, @OLDLADY12345, @ST3VBN, @COSMICTROPIC, @JK_SUZ, @KASSIEMACEGG, @THOMASMCOE, @CATSLAWRENCE AND @CNYMULCH. Some of the replies showed up here.
••• Now Dave tweets:
•••
Kristin Chenoweth is here, and she'll be in Carnegie Hall later this week. I admit I didn't know much about her, but she has quite an impressive bio. She tells about her horrendous skull fracture in 2012. She's recovered fairly well, and the sandbag that drops on Dave's desk misses her by about four feet. We see a clip from Rio 2. For the record, Kristin kisses Dave's hand after the interview.
••• bumper: Kristin, bruised from her injury in 2012 ••• desk chat: Dave says, "350 million Americans, and that list we read tonight is not that good." ••• Alan Kalter presents Alan Kalter's Celebrity Birthdays.
(Alan): "Tom Hanks was born on July 9, 1956. Julia Roberts, born on October 28, 1967. Johnny Depp, born on June 9, 1963. Sylvester Stallone, born July 6, 1946. Will Smith was born on September 25, 1968."

(Dave): "Alan?"

(Alan): "Sandra Bullock, July 26, 1964. Morgan Freeman, born June 1, 1937."

(Dave): "Stop. Stop. Stop it! Stop it! You're supposed to single out celebrities who are having a birthday on this day. It's not a list of random celebrity birthdays."

(Alan, steamed): "No one told me that."

(Dave): "Well, we didn't think we'd have to explain that part of it."

(Alan, royally steamed now): "I'll tell you what works, and what you have to explain. I'm leaving! And these people... they treat me like crap! I'm a good man. I comb my hair. I shovel my driveway. I go to museums. I do! I do all of that. I have a firm handshake. I umpire Little League. I read the newspaper. I drink my milk. I clean my gutters. I'm never late for judo. I water my flowers. I feed my ducks! I feed my ducks!! I serve my guests cheese. I floss in the morning."

(Dave): "We'll be right back with."

(Alan): "I tip my doorman. I finish what's on my plate. I use hand sanitizer..."

••• Act 5: Leo Nocentelli with the CBSO ••• desk chat: Dave says, "If your mouse if on the blink, try a bar of soap." ••• Amy Schumer plugs Inside Amy Schumer. I wasn't interested. ••• JOHNNYSWIM sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/02/14 [4009]: A pizza place in Canada now offers a marijuana pizza. Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto was the first customer! / clip of him walking into a handheld video camera last November •••

interruption:

(graphic and voice-over): "Happy Hump Day from CBS and The Hump" (Dave) ••• "We Didn't See That Coming" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Randy Beamer of NBC 4, San Antonio): "The guy who claimed he shot a bigfoot in San Antonio now says, 'It was a hoax!' "

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• "Amish Mafia Files"
(title graphic and documentary music)

(voice-over): "April 1, 2014: As retribution for Jacob Miller's unpaid gambling debts, Lancaster Capo Jedediah 'The Gent' Lapp ordered his goons to steal Miller's house."

(clip): Jacob's house going bye-bye

(graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Amish Mafia Files.' "

•••
Vice-president Joe Biden was on a show the other day, and the subject turned to moisturizing. Well... earlier today he was speechifying about the Internet. Moments into the speech, off comes the tie, then he unbuttons his shirt, squirts out some life-saving goo from a pump bottle of unknown brand, and commences smearing the miracle product on his geezer chest. Eww.
•••
What's causing the audience to squeal in delight? It's our old friend, Bill Murray, who's just arrived at Dave's mark, wearing a nice suit and toting a clipboard.

(Dave): "Oh, hi! Hi, Bill. Oh, look, everybody, it's Bill Murray! Wow! Bill, thank you. Nice to see you! Always a pleasure, my friend."

(Bill): "Uh, sorry, folks. This is personal. Dave, I have something here. It's called a bucket list. It's a list of things that you make... that a person makes up when they think that, you know, they don't have a lot of time left, and they think they'd like to accomplish certain things before they pass away."

(Dave): "Yeah. I'm familiar with that."

(Bill): "I'm fine. I'm gonna die, but not... I'm probably gonna die, but not anytime soon."

(Dave): "Oh, good."

(Bill): "So, anyway..."

(Dave): "There's a movie about this, I remember."

(Bill): "Oh, so you know about it?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Bill): "OK, great. Alright. So... one for you. You knew about it already. OK, so what I have... I've done... I'm going great on it... I've been knockin' it down, but there's one thing here, which is, I would like to do your show."

(Dave): "This show?"

(Bill): "Yeah."

(Dave): "What a great idea!" (The audience agrees.) "Go ahead! Whatever! We love it when you're on the show. Anything you want."

(Bill): "No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to be on the show. I want to be the guy. You know, I don't want to do the show, like you come in here every day and do the show. That is... I'm not gonna do that. But, I would like to just take over for one joke."

(Dave): "Oh, just a joke? Oh, sure! Tony, do we have extras? Anything? Do you have one?"

(Bill): "I have one."

(Dave): "I'll just be right here."

(Bill): "So you know that evil Russian president, Vladimir Putin? You know? He and his wife got divorced, and they'd been married... married... married for over 30 years. But they split up last summer, after she caught him invading Georgia." / Anton: rim shot / Bill takes us to commercial. / Then Dave takes us to commercial.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Unlike most people who no longer have their appendix, I lost mine in a poker game." / a plug for Cheez-it Grooves® ••• Tonight's TTL is answers to viewers' tweeted answers to a question tweeted by Dave yesterday. / Top Ten Responses to my tweet, 'Who's idea was the light lunch?' " / Dave admits his error in using "Who's" instead of "Whose." / Contributors were: @SCOTTHORTON, @THISTLEHILLMEDI, @KATHBATTS, @KICKITUPANACHO, @DAMIANAPAWN, @HEY_98POINT6, @CRANKY_CRITIC, @FRICKETME, @IM4GODRU2 and @TAWANDA510. •••
Martha Stewart is on. She has a spring collection available at Macy's. Dave hasn't seen it. He likes to go shopping at hardware stores. Martha's there, too, because she plugs paint. She has a plate of souped-up deviled eggs, and the eggs were miracled by her very own chickens yesterday! Earlier in the interview, she mentioned that she'd gotten up at 5 a.m. today. She's probably getting awakened by some loudmouthed roosters. Back to the eggs: Martha should have known better than to bring tubes of filling for them, because Dave immediately starts squeezing the stuff into his mouth. Dave produces a bogus bottle of vodka, and knocks some back. Dave was less ornery than usual with Martha, and she receives a hand kiss.
•••
After the Top Ten, Bill Murray turns up behind Dave's desk with his bucket list. El Coincidence: Bill wants to meet Lady Gaga, so Dave calls her out. She's wearing an enormous, ridiculous, curly yellow wig that has never occurred in nature. Bill takes a 3-in-1 selfie to prove his good fortune.

Lady Gaga invites Dave, Bill and the entire audience to her concert, conveniently located in the Roseland Ballroom across 53rd Street. The trio scamper across the closed street, under the close watch of Bill DeLace and his lieutenants. I'm not sure if the audience knew before this moment that they'd get this invitation. The Roseland Ballroom is closing, and her last concert this week will be the last event there. (Mike McIntee says it's coming down, and there will be a huge apartment building in its place. Think of all the business in store for Rupert!) We get various outside shots as the audience members relocate. ••• Somewhere in all this is Act 5, which is more outside coverage of the migration to the ballroom. Bill's monkeying around with a bullhorn. We hear two songs from Lady Gaga, and that's it for Episode 4009. The Roseland stunt's gotten quite a bit of media attention.

DAVE ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT   APRIL 3, 2014

4/03/14 [4010]: We're in store for the worst allergy season ever, although Dave doesn't have allergies... well, except for Regis. / video:

(clips of sniffly people)

(voice-over): "Actually, there is no hope for allergy sufferers. That's right. No decongestant, saline spray, antihistamine, accupuncture treatment, vitamin supplement, steam shower, herbal tea, neti pot, nasal corticosteroid, probiotic or HEPA filter will do a damn thing."

(American Automobile Association logo)

(voice-over): "A message from the American Allergy Association."

••• "Allergy Sufferer of the Night"
(animated title graphic and dramatic music)

(clip): It's Lady Gaga holding something-or-other, and sneezing.

(animated title graphic and dramatic music)

••• The Noah movie has been making quite a splash. / preview video:
(Paramount graphic)

(voice-over): "Paramount Pictures presents one of the greatest stories of all time, reimagined as you've never seen it before. Noah, starring Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson and Matt Damon, as the animals."

(Matt, in the Late Show green room on 12/06/11, edited from the original): We get a chimpanzee, a donkey and a chicken.

(title graphic and voice-over): Noah: Now playing at theaters everywhere."

••• Vladimir Putin and Ma Putin have divorced amicably, which we know, 'cause she hasn't kicked the bucket. / video of what the all-powerful Vlad is doing as a single man:
(mountain scene, beach scene)

(voice-over): "Coming in April: 25 beautiful women, trying for their one chance at love, but only one will get to marry the man of her dreams."

(clip): Pooty, exiting a limousine

(babe): "Mmm. He's HOT!"

(Pooty action scenes and voice-over): "He's powerful. He's charismatic."

(babe): "So cute! I'm going to marry him to death!"

(voice-over): "He's The Bachelor. Only on ABC."

••• A measly seven million people have signed up for Obamacare, but the news keeps getting better. / video:
(Department of Health and Human Services logo)

(female voice-over, with medical scenes): "The Department of Health and Human Services thanks Americans for complying with the Affordable Care Act, and signing up for health insurance coverage. Now that most all Americans have health insurance, it is acceptable to greet strangers with a kiss on the lips."

(clip): Two businessmen in New York City smooch.

(me): Eww.

(voice-over): "The Department of Health and Human Services: Now open until midnight."

(Department of Health and Human Services logo)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Good News": "The moon now has free WIFI; the password is LUNAR1." / a plug for Macy's® •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave: "Let me just say one thing about Paul Shaffer and the band. You know them and you love them, because you know them and you love them."

  2. Dave begins a nine-minute discourse. He starts by mentioning that his 67th birthday is on April 12. At the age of 34, he began on Late Night with David Letterman, so he's spent almost half of his life in make-up (and talking to lovely actresses). Dave and Paul have done 4,014 shows on CBS. (That's tonight's episode plus the four prime-time specials.) There were 1,810 Late Night episodes on NBC (if you count the Gulf War episode that never aired), and 90 morning shows. That's 5,914 shows. (Here's my chart.) I think we've figured out the subject of the discussion by now, because Dave next says, "When this show stops being fun, I'll retire 10 years later."

    Now Dave wants to talk about a fishing outing last fall with Harry. They saw a large bird... maybe a golden eagle, or possibly some kind of pecker. Harry took a fine picture of the big bird, then Dave started showing the picture around on Monday, trying to learn for sure what it was. That night, Regina asked Dave who was on the show, and Dave says he couldn't remember. Dave started wondering if he should be running a network TV program.

    Dave later brought up the possibility of retirement to Harry, framing it as a way to spend more time with the family. "Which part of the family?" Harry inquired. What a vote of confidence!

    Dave says he called Les Moonves earlier this afternoon, to inform him of his retirement in 2015. (Paul asks for a moment to call his accountant.)

    What does all this mean? Well, naturally, it means that at long last, Dave and Paul can be married. Dave gets a standing O from the audience.

    And that was tonight's blockbuster desk chat. (video)

  3. Dave announces that he just announced his retirement. Actually, Kathy Mavrikakis informed Dave of his retirement, a year ago tomorrow. (video)
••• "Todd at Firestone Grand Prix of St. Petersburg"
Todd Seda comes out to set up his trip to the Firestone Grand Pricks of St. Petersburg. Dave was there, too. Todd gets to visit with practically every famous racer, except Danica Patrick. (See what I did there?) We'll see Todd with Will Power, Juan Pablo Montoya, Dario Franchitti, Graham Rahal, National Guard soldiers, Donnie Stewart of Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing (for pit stop practice), Oriol Servia, TV's David Letterman, James Hinchcliffe, Helio Castroneves and the legendary Bobby Rahal, and he tags along on a cycle with another legend, Mario Andretti.
••• Johnny Depp plugs Transcendence, and informs Dave that there are a lot of "weepers" backstage. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a promotion for Light It Up Blue, an autism awareness program ••• more Johnny Depp ••• Joseph Arthur has an album, Lou, that is a musical tribute to Lou Reed. He performs with Mike Mills and Peter Buck, formerly of R.E.M. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Thanks to Wahoo Mike McIntee for the shout out in the April 2 Wahoo Gazette! We Late Show episode loggers and database proprietors (that's you, Donz) try to stick together.

4/04/14 [4011]: Tonight's monologue is the first since Dave wrecked our lives (last night) by announcing his retirement plans. His jokes are mostly about retirement.

"People are sayin' to me now, 'Honestly, quit the wise remarks and screwin' around. Why did you decide to announce your retirement?' And I'll tell you what happened. A couple of days ago, Jane (DiPersio), a lovely woman who does my make-up every night (and you think you've got a lousy job)... she says to me, 'Dave, there's really nothing more I can do.' "

"And, of course, it's a cliché, but I'm gonna spend more time with my family, which, by the way, is their biggest fear."

"But now, here, I want to be clear on one thing. This is a technicality. I announced my retirement, but it will not be official... 'cause there's legal things that you gotta take care of... and my retirement from CBS will not become official until Jeff Probst puts out my torch."

"But here's somethin' for you folks at home to look forward to, and my hand to God, I'm gonna deliver on this. You folks at home... and by the way, thank you for everything, and the lovely studio audiences we get, the beautiful theater, folks watching at home. But here's something, you can just take this to the bank: if you thought I was phoning it in before..." (thumbs up and skunk eye) "You know what I'm sayin'?"

(video)

••• Tiger Woods had to drop out of the Masters, because of a pinched nerve. CBS Sports has videotape of his operation.
(clip): O.R. scene, with everyone in light blue scrubs, looking all germ-free

(graphic): "LIVE: TIGER WOODS BACK SURGERY IN PROGRESS"

(nice touch): Jerry Foley and the writers remembered to include the birds chirping, that Dave likes to talk about in the Masters.

(The following audio is heard during the operation.)

(Verne Lundquist, PBP): "This is Tiger Woods. Lanny, what about this?"

(Lanny Wadkins, color): "Of course, it's made a lot tougher by having that second cut."

(Verne, extremely excited): "Now, here it comes." (surgeon makes a cut) "Oh, my goodness!!!"

(spectators cheering like crazy)

(Verne): "Oh, my!!! In your life, have you seen anything like that?!"

(me): "Here's a YouTube video of the shot. You have to watch this shot. I've never been on a golf course, but you've got to see this!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm not interested in baking, but I sure do like to grease baking sheets." / a plug for Lincoln •••
[17-year-old Kwasi Enin, from Long Island, blew the roof off the dump with his college application essay, and got himself accepted to all eight Ivy League universities.] / Kwasi presents the Top Ten Ways to Make Your College Application Stand Out. / 9: "Every fifth word: heretofore" / #3: "If you've been to space, mention you've been to space."
•••
Billy Crystal drops by to plug 700 Sundays, which is now going to be seen on HBO, so Billy finally got to see it! (He did the play 458 times.) The legendary thespian fakes a good cry after arriving onstage. "What happens to Paul?" Billy whines.

Neither the Mets nor the Yankees have won a game yet. Billy: "And now, with you retiring... Jeter retiring... this is like a really sad year. I mean, I feel bad for Jeter, 'cause, you know, you have a great life and a family, and Jeter, now, is gonna have to date 9s."

Dave asks that parents have their children leave the television room. It's a photo of Billy kissing Jack Nicholson almost on the mouth. Eww. It seems that Jack invited Billy to sit with him at a Los Angeles Clippers / Lakers game, up front, and the two legends got themselves on the Kiss Cam, so they did their civic duty.

Billy is newly 66, and makes it known that he's available for Dave's job. "I would crush this," he assures us.

Finally, we get a story from Billy's freshman year in college. He tells his roommate that whenever he consumes dark chocolate, a few minutes later he'll start a sneezing fit. His roommate starts a betting pool on if - and when - he'll hit 50 sneezes. He even got to perform at a frat party, along with a folk singer. Oh, crap! I almost forgot to put in the link to Sherman Grossman sneezing, which was the finale in Billy's interview.

(video)

••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Thea Kalcevic, production assistant. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Have you been over to the U.N. lately? The place is full of foreigners!" ••• Tony Hale plugs Veep. After commercial, Dave shows Tony's book, Archibald's Next Big Thing, which will be hatching in August 2014. ••• Liv Warfield sings. ••• partial credits: not much but the writers

4/07/14: REPEAT FROM 3/11/14

4/08/14 [4012]:

We're through the opening theme music and Alan's intro, but where is Dave? He's not running across the stage. Eventually he moseys in from a door at stage right. "That was Kate's idea," Dave says, as we see her in the audience.
••• Kate gets another shout out. Dave claims she asked about zebras before the show. Are they black with white stripes, or white with black stripes? / video:
(African scene): zebras hanging out

(voice-over): "The evolutionary reason for stripes on a zebra has long mystified scientists. Now, new research indicates that the stripe pattern helps ward off biting flies."

(photo): housefly close-up

(photo): three smiling young people wearing referee shirts

(voice-over): "Who's laughing now? Foot Locker®, where biting flies are the customer's problem."

••• "Parliamentary Procedure Ukraine Edition"
(title graphic and patriotic theme song)

(clip and peppy music): two gents in a fight on the floor of Parliament, with others trying to break it up before CBS finds out

(title graphic and patriotic theme song)

••• interruption: Assistant producer Wahoo Mike McIntee, sharply dressed in a suit, appears at Pat Farmer's interruption mark.
(Dave): "This happens from time to time. We're right in the middle of the program. I don't know who you are. Who are you?"

(Mike → Mitch): "I am Mitch Irwin, CBS Vice-President of Late Night Programming, East Coast."

(Dave, playing along): "Hi, Mitch. Nice to see you."

(Mitch): "Remember last week, when you said it's time to move on?"

(Dave): "Yes. I was just talkin' about that. Happened last week. Yes, I do remember that."

(Mitch): "And then you said you're going to retire next year."

(Dave, smiling): "That's right."

(Mitch): "Is there any chance we could get that in writing?"

(audience): applauding wildly

(Dave): "Oh, yeah."

(Mitch, opening a folder): "Great. Here you go." (handing Dave a pen) "Right here. That's terrific."

(Dave): "And then down here?"

(Mitch): "Exactly."

(Dave): "Alright. There you go."

(Mitch): "That's wonderful. Great. Notary?"

(notary public dude steps into the scene)

(Dave): "Who are you? Hi."

(notary messes with his stamp)

(Dave): "Where'd you get?... I'd like to have one of those. Yeah. OK. That's great. Thank you."

(Mitch): "That's great. Great! Keep up the good work, Dave. Thank you."

(Dave): "Nice seein' you. Bye."

(Paul): "Ha!"

(video)

••• "Parliamentary Procedure Ukraine Edition"
(title graphic and patriotic theme song)

(clip and peppy music): two gents in a fight on the floor of Parliament, with others trying to break it up

(title graphic and patriotic theme song)

••• "Parliamentary Procedure Taiwan Edition"
(title graphic and patriotic theme song)

(clip and peppy music): two gents in a fight on the floor of Parliament, with others trying to break it up

(title graphic and patriotic theme song)

••• According to the New York Daily News in late March, Steven Seagal described Vladimir Putin as "one of the world's great living leaders." He's threatening to move to Russia. We see a scene of him supposedly dancing in Russia, maybe in a movie. The point is, we can't have him moving to Russia, or there may be serious economic problems.
(voice-over): "If actor Steven Seagal relocates to Russia, sales of domestically-produced hair loss concealer spray will plummet..."

(clip of someone spray painting a guy's bald head)

(voice-over): "...bankrupting our hair concealer mineral mines..." (scene from a mine) "...and the communities that surround them, threatening an already-fragile economy."

(2-in-1 photo): Seagal almost bald / Seagal with phony hair

(voice-over): "Keep Steven Seagal in the United States. Paid for by the U. S. Mineral Miners Council."

••• "Parliamentary Procedure India Edition"
(title graphic and peppy, patriotic theme song)

(clip and peppy music): two gents in a fight on the floor of Parliament

(title graphic and peppy, patriotic theme song)

••• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were seen together at the NCAA Division I championship game in Texas last night.
(photo)

(female voice-over): "At the NCAA Men's Basketball championship, President Clinton sat with George W. Bush. During the second half, Bush tried and failed to catch a foul ball."

(Photoshop fun): GWB holding a glove

(photo): city scene

(female voice-over): "This joke is provided by the new 500,000-square-foot George W. Bush Presidential Joke Library. Mention this announcement and receive a free 16-ounce soda."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "What's the Deal?": "Why do they sell shoelaces in packages of two, but shoes come in boxes of three?" / a plug for Nationwide® •••

desk chat:

  1. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony will be at the Barclays Center on April 10. Dave registers his annual complaint that the CBS Orchestra have yet to be inducted. He's right. There is none better, and Paul and the band will be the house band for the 29th year, so why aren't they in? That place might as well be a Stuckey's. The Stuckey's on I-70 between Manhattan and Topeka folded a while back. We believe they're still around, in parts unknown.

  2. What does Dave do before each show? / clip: We see a geezer having his juice.
•••
Ten area accountants present the Top Ten Accountant Pet Peeves. We'll see: Bob Manger, Ann Timney, Adele Valenzuela, Lou DeFalco, Joe Pagliuca, Whitney Boyd, Richard Koenigsberg, Louis Demars, Doug Cohen and Harvey Tanton / #1: "Explaining to my wife how I got a paper cut on my ass." (Yes, we've seen some of them before. If we're lucky, maybe we'll see them one more time.)
••• Rob Lowe plugs his second memoir, Love Life. ••• out of nowhere: "Buzz Feed Quiz": "What kind of ungulate would you be?" Dave answers a series of important questions, and the announcer informs him that he would be a wildebeest. / Dave: "Well, that was just dumb!" ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's beautiful producer Sarah Connell with Bruce Willis. / Here's the clip from 10/24/10. (video) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Not a fan of 'travel size' products. When I travel, I want people to be impressed by how much shampoo and toothpaste I own." •••
Brooklyn Decker plugs Friends with Better Lives. She was named Brooklyn because Mom's friend had a horse named Brooke. Also, she has awesome legs. She showed up on 53rd Street in a conservative black business suit, but changed into a cute black miniskirt.

Brooklyn's Sports Illustrated cover was unveiled on the show on 2/08/10, and she was in for an interview on 2/09/10.

••• London Grammar sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Dave's accountant, Fred Nigro, didn't get in on the Top Ten, but we get the Worldwide Pants logo and, "My accountant is Fred Nigro."

Sorry... this wasn't my best work tonight. I crashed soon after the show was over, and wrote this from about 4 to 5 a.m. It was just like college!

4/09/14 [4013]: It's only been six days since Dave said the R word. / monologue:

"Last week, by the way, just for somethin' to do, I announced that I was retiring. And I'm hoping now that I can hang on long enough that my son can take over the show. How old do you have to be to get a talk show license in New York? It's interesting. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached. I always thought I would be taken out of here in handcuffs. But people come up to me and they say, 'Dave, what happened? What's goin' on?' And I said, 'Well, there's little signs along the way.' And I'll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire from doin' a late night television talk show, and by God, has it been fantastic! Huh? Every night you get to come out..." (applause) "A couple of months ago, cue card boy Tony Mendez... cue card boy close to his 80s... he came to me and he said, 'Mr. Letterman, I just can't print the jokes any bigger.' " (Dave points at his head.) "That's when I..."

Dave asks Tony if he remembers saying that to him. He sure does, and he repeats it in Español. "¡No puedo!"

(CBSO): "Tony's Theme"

(me): Tony was 69 the other day.

••• We've all been worrying about the staff since Dave's announcement. How did they react after hearing the news? / video: April 4, 10:00 A.M.: It's a raid on office supplies. Six staffers exit the room with armloads of loot. (Meanwhile, Paul's amused, and Dave misses the opportunity to remind us that his and Paul's awesome tenure at NBC was ended by Paul stealing office supples.) ••• Product placement has become annoying, and the new Captain America movie is a prime example. Here... watch this.
(action clips)

(voice-over): "Captain America returns. Don't miss a moment of the action and excitement, when the Captain joins forces with a powerful new ally."

(John Schnatter, Founder & CEO): "Papa John here."

(action scene): Captain America (I guess) does battle, while holding a humongous Papa John's pizza as a shield during the gunplay. It's a donnybrook of monumental scope! (Right, MZM?)

(graphic and voice-over): "Captain America: The Winter Soldier."

••• Hey! I got a new Letterman Catch Phrase tonight: "Pack your bags, Betty. We're leavin'. " •••
[On April 3, says CNN, Queen Elizabeth journeyed over to the Vatican to give Pope Francis a bottle of whiskey. Dave calls it a "playdate."] / video: Shecky has a cute little video. An elderly couple... the lady wearing a queen's crown, and the gent wearing a Pope's pretiosa, are dancing in a bar, it seems. The house band is playing Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl." Ha! When Jerry played it a second time, I realized that the headgear was FXd in. Nice work!
••• New Jersey governor Chris Christidy allegedly was involved in closing the George Washington Bridge from September 9 through September 13, 2013. He may have found a way out of the scandal. Against my better judgment, I'm going to type this segment. Wish me luck.
(photo): Governor Chris Christie at a lectern... possibly on a podium

(voice-over and documentary background music): "After days of criticism, Governor Chris Christie has decided to put to rest any of the controversy surrounding his investigation of the George Washington Bridge closure. The governor is launching a new investigation of the first investigation. Should this investigation investigation also meet skepticism, the governor will lead a blue-ribbon panel to investigate the investigation investigation. The investigation investigation - and the investigation of the investigation investigation - will conclude no later than 2017."

(photo): the governor being sworn in, with family at his side

(graphic): "Chris Christie President 2016" campaign sign

(voice-over): "Christie 2016: A division of Fatco."

(me): Before undertaking this transcript, in a moment of clarity, I typed investigation once, copied it, then pasted it a whole bunch of times.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "If you're in a spelling bee, try to get the words 'spelling' and 'bee,' because they're right there on the sign." / a plug for Advil® ••• [Captain America had a $96,000,000 opening weekend domestically.] / Top Ten least Successful Film Sequels / #6: a shout out to a gent from Chattanooga •••
Lindsay Lohan is on to plug her documentary series, Lindsay, on OWN. She's also in 2 Broke Girls.

Dave tells Lindsay he has a paternalistic interest in her. Lindsay reminds Dave that she was on with him 21 years ago, at the age of six, in a "Halloween Costumes" segment. [A year ago this week, Robbie Wenger contacted me to see if I had tape of his appearance on "Halloween Costumes" with Lindsay and Lacey Chabert. I made him his video. Here it is, from Oct. 29, 1992.]

Lindsay enjoys the fact that people in New York don't follow her or bother her as in Los Angeles. Of course, she's got a video crew following her every move, but at least she's getting paid for it. Karaoke is her thing now. Then we get into when the video action begins each day. The discussion turns to breakfast and scrambled eggs, and Dave perks up when that comes up.

Now Lindsay wants to call Oprah. Dave says, "We're not callin' Oprah!" (Hey, it's a new entry for my "Fun with Oprah" page!) Anyway, they have a nice visit, and Oprah insists that she needs to be on the show again before Dave goes bye-bye. It was a fun segment.

(bumper photo): Lindsay, age 6½, in "Halloween Costumes"

(video)


(photo courtesy of me)
•••

desk chat:

Dave gives us a whole run-through (three minutes) of how he makes scrambled eggs. At his place, mustard's in the recipe (or at least on top of the finished product). French's®: you can't go wrong, but if it's your birthday, you've got to have Plochman's® (since 1852, by the way). Oh, so now we get it. In 2015, Dave's cooking show premieres. (video)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Okay... I've got about a year to pay off my gambling debts. I can do this!" ••• 13-year-old Jamie Edwards tells about being the youngest person to slap together a fusion reactor (in the family's garage, I believe). It's at his school now. Dave produces a uranium glass bowl and a Geiger counter. That glass is hot! ••• Real Estate sing. They were good. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

CBS ANNOUNCES STEPHEN COLBERT AS NEW HOST   APRIL 10, 2014

4/10/14: REPEAT FROM 3/03/14

4/11/14: REPEAT FROM 3/05/14

4/12/14: Happy 67th birthday, Dave!

4/14/14: REPEAT FROM 3/25/14

4/15/14: REPEAT FROM 4/02/14

4/16/14: REPEAT FROM 3/12/14

4/17/14: REPEAT FROM 4/04/14

4/18/14: REPEAT FROM 3/13/14

4/21/14 [4014]: How about that Easter parade? Dave loves the giant helium balloons of the apostles. I'm imagining what a hoot the Last Supper would have been if the apostles snorted some helium during the festivities! Here's "Easter Bonnet Roundup." / video:

(title graphic): daffodils, Easter eggs, pastel yellows and classical music

(photo): three citizens wearing outlandish Easter bonnets

(voice-over): "New York City."

(photo): ladies wearing straw hat Easter bonnets with yellow flowers

(voice-over): "London."

(photo): soldiers, dressed to kill in colorful helmets (possibly with some help from Photoshop)

(voice-over): "Donetsk, Ukraine."

(clip): Vladimir Putin wearing a suit (I'm serious. He's got his clothes on in tonight's episode.)

(English voice-over, with wacky accent, of Putin speaking): "Happy Easter from the Putin family to yours."

(title graphic)

••• The White House lawn was the site of the annual Easter egg roll today. Everyone was there, including Speaker o' the House, John Boehner, who in the spirit of the season, dyed his face. (No, he didn't. It's the show's recent gag with pulsating fluorescent orange.) / animation •••
Now we get a reprise of Dave saying his name, and Speaker Boehner correcting him with "Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner, Boner."

(me): I had "Boner, " loaded up in my clipboard, and was going to paste it each time John said it. Well, guess what. The clip went on and on and on. It turned out that Command-V, that would normally paste from the clipboard, was also a keyboard shortcut that did something to my QuickTime video capture. I was causing the video to repeat the phrase. I gave up and counted with my fingers. DDY Cares.

••• The Price Is Right has been on for 8,000 shows. With all those episodes, statistically it's likely that something could go wrong. Yup. / video:
(clip from earlier today): We see Drew Carey by a female contestant. She tugs on a vertical wheel, hoping to have it land on 5¢. / animation: The wheel gets loose, and starts motoring across the set, taking out the camera. Our picture goes to snow. The control room switches to The Price Is Right graphic and the peppy theme song, while the victims are carted away, and next of kin notified.
••• Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II is 88 years old today. It's party time! Royal people are special people, and they go crazy when they celebrate. / video:
Shecky has dug up a clip of a lady about Her Majesty's age walking into her surprise birthday party, and the FX guys have done their gag with the FX crown. "Surprise," everybody says. And that's all you need to know about that birthday bash.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Pre-Need Funeral Planning Tip": "Be sure to choose a casket with good lumbar support." / a plug for Advil® •••

desk chat:

Dave claims that before the show, the audience dances onstage. When they're back in their seats, Dave takes questions. A young guy from Columbus asked Dave what's made him laugh the hardest. Dave has three great stories, but he doesn't think he can tell them, since they involve his mother, Dorothy, and her husband, Hans. Paul persuades him. Dorothy won't know. She watches Leno.

Dave: Back in the day, the family would go out in the woods and throw big sticks up in the hickory trees to knock down some hickory nuts, to get the (excuse the expression) nut meat. Then, on vacation, Dave reminded the family how difficult it was to get the nut meat out. Dorothy's father was known as Pop. Then the always-reserved Dorothy speaks up and says, "Yeah, Pop used to go downstairs and put his nuts on an anvil, and hit them with a hammer." (Maybe that's why tonight's sponsor is Advil®.)

Dave: "I knew he was a tough guy. 'Put them on an anvil.' Bang!"

(me): 1. You think one of the Jimmys can tell a story like Dave? 2. When referring to more than one Jimmy, should we write "Jimmies?" 3. Why all the fuss about hickory nuts? Think back to Dave's Thanksgiving pie guesses. In 1996, one of the pies was hickory nut. In 1993, the one pie was orange pumpkin pie, with whipped cream and hickory nuts. So there!

(desk chat video)

•••
Courteney Cox plugs Just Before I Go, which she directed. She reports that there's no chance of a Friends reunion show. They've been trying for years to just have dinner together, but no luck.
••• Alan Kalter plugs Intel®, the sponsor for tonight's TTL. ••• Top Ten Similarities Between Queen Elizabeth and Tony Danza / #6 is an audience shout out to the guy from Columbus, who played for the Bluejackets. / #2 is a rerun of Queen Elizabeth's Butterfinger® product placement on 1/29/14, and Tony Danza's plug for Metamucil® on Fox and Friends on 2/24/14. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's TV's Tom Selleck with John Moran, technical support guy. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, " 'Whoah!' said the FCC. 'That's too much entertainment for one show!' But we don't care!" •••
Jimmie "Kid Dy-no-mite" Walker is on to plug his part in PBS's Pioneers of Television. He has an interesting look back at Good Times (1974-79), one of several Norman Lear productions running at the same time. There were differing views of how an African-American family should be portrayed in those days, which included differences on The Cosby Show (1984-92). Jimmie has a pretty amazing orange suit, by the way.
•••
Christina Perri released her second album, Head or Heart, this month. She's on tonight to sing "Human." I believe she is the best female singer in popular music today. Bring up the iTunes Store and listen to "Arms" and "A Thousand Years," which is on the soundtrack of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1. She is outstanding, and completely gorgeous. Apparently ½ Polish + ½ Italian = 1 beautiful human.

••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/22/14 [4015]: THE NEW GUY'S IN THE HOUSE!

Tonight's audience shout out is to someone who wanted to know who runs across the stage just before the scrim comes up. Well, at least he didn't ask about Dave's socks. ••• It's Earth Day 2014. Here's a little segment, "Way to go, Earth!" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Tanya Galvan of Next News Network): "Female insects with penises have been discovered in Brazil."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

•••

monologue:

"Guess who's on the program tonight. Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. He just dropped by to sign the lease."

"I don't know if you've heard this, but he'll be taking over the program sometime next year. Yeah... pending the physical."

••• CBS News Special Report /
(announcer): "This is a CBS News Special Report. The not-for-profit Father's Day / Mother's Day Council has just recognized Governor Chris Christie as its Father of the Year."

(info graphic and voice-over):
  • "The word father contains the word 'fat,' and
  • Governor Christie is fat.

This has been a CBS News Special Report, a production of FATCO."

••• The White House Easter Egg Roll was yesterday. The festivities included Barack Obama reading to kids.
(clip): kids seated on the White House lawn

(the President of the United States, holding a story book): "Six months ago today, a big part of the Affordable Care Act kicked in. (unintelligible) state insurance marketplaces went live. So anybody who was stuck in line because of the huge surge in demand can still go back and finish your enrollment. 7.1 million."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "With the old-time radios shows, you had to use your imagination. I imagined getting a television." / a plug for Nationwide® ••• Alan: Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Intel®. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Jesus' Wedding:

10. "On his wedding day you'd think he'd shave."
9. "I didn't know Jesus was so religious."
8. "Look out -- here come the lepers."
7. "Who invited Judas?"
6. "They should've used the temple in Salt Lake City." (an audience shout out)
5. "You think she'll convert?"
4. "Great -- another day to celerate Jesus."
3. "This wine tastes watery."
2. "Look -- Regis is here."
1. "I give it a month."

(me): In the April 22 Wahoo Gazette, Mike McIntee has some top notch alternate entries for this Top Ten.

•••

Stephen Colbert plugs Late Show with Stephen Colbert. It's his 14th appearance on the Late Show. Dave: "They could have just as well hired another boob like me. They didn't. They hired a guy." Stephen: "Every boob is like a snowflake, Dave. We're all unique in our own way."

Stephen's college girlfriend got an interview to intern for Late Night in 1986, and he tagged along. A staffer noticed Stephen waiting for her, and asked if he'd like to interview. He got picked. She didn't. They parted ways. Stephen didn't accept the opportunity, because it didn't pay anything.

In 1997, the Late Show was looking for writers. Stephen and a pal sent in material, and today it gets aired: Top Ten Cocktails for Santa.

Stephen takes a selfie with Dave, and it gets edited in as a bumper.

(video)

••• The first Earth Day was in 1970, and Alan Kalter has gotten some air time to comment on Earth Day 2014.
(Alan): "Thank you very much, Dave. Now, regular readers of my blog know it's been a big month for the Alan Kalter Environmental Fund. At last year's gala we set a fundraising target of $75,000, and I'm thrilled to announce tonight, that tonight, just in time for Earth Day, we have reached our goal. And, thanks to your generous support, the Alan Kalter Environmental Fund can complete the next phase of its mission: installing a retractable cover on my pool. Now this cover will insulate my pool on chilly nights, preventing heat from escaping, and saving an estimated $40 a month on my energy bills. Everybody, happy Earth Day! Back to you, duckface."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Alan. You're an awful, awful man."

(video)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I'm still a little groggy from the anesthesia. I had my appendix removed in 1992." ••• Robin Roberts of Good Morning America tells how a stem cell transplant from her sister saved her life. She has a brand new book, Everybody's Got Something. Robin has a very inspiring story. ••• Kelis sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/23/14 [4016]: [On April 20, a 16-year-old dude journeyed from San Jose to Maui in the landing gear area of a Boeing 767, with outside air temperature at crusing altitude around –75° F.] / "Delta Airlines Wheel Well Elite Program" ad / video:

(clip): Delta Boeing jet taking off

(female voice-over, with familiar air travel scenes): "Delta Airlines is pleased to introduce the latest innovation in air travel: our new Wheel Well Elite Program! Avoid long lines and bothersome seat mates, as you settle into the plane's undercarriage."

(shot of an undercarriage, with a small TV)

(voice-over): "Sit back and enjoy a Hollywood blockbuster, as the plane reaches its cruising altitude. Drift off to hypoxia-induced sleep as the hours fly by, and you'll be the first to disembark."

(FX): stowaway drops from the wheel well as the aircraft taxis, groaning a little bit

(voice-over): "Delta Airlines Wheel Well Elite Program."

(jingle): "We love to fly, and it shows."

(me): An audience lady asked Dave if he'll reprise some old favorites in this last year on the air. The airline segment reminded me of one of my favorites. It's from April 4, 1989, the night that Late Night went to Dolby® sound. Paul fired up the synthesizer and gave us his keyboard impression of a Boeing 747 taxiing over a monkey at O'Hare.

•••
[Britain's Queen Elizabeth II had her 88th birthday on April 21. In honor of this auspicious occasion, a portrait was commissioned. Prince William and Kate unveiled the painting.] / video: Yikesahooty! Save for the crown jewels, Elizabeth is nekkid as can be. What a dreadful mix-up.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update": " 'Zoo,' which is short for 'zoological park,' has now been shortened to 'zo.' " / a plug for Nespresso®, whatever the hell that is. •••

desk chat: Dave laid a new tweet on us today:

I replied to the tweet with a bit that only played once, on 7/23/92: "Captain Dave's Weasel Farm and Theology Camp." It's voiced over by Bill Wendell, and classic Late Night. Oh, the memories! This brings to mind a photo that Dave showed a few times, with his joke being "Not a sleazy guy... an actual weasel."

••• [The New York Post ran a story today about a woman from Oregon who unknowingly, back in 1999, leased property that became an al Qaeda training camp.] / Top Ten Al Qaeda Ranch Names •••

Sally Field is on to plug The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Dave tells Paul that Sally's presence is proof that tonight's episode is an actual show. I just realized that I've been a fan of hers for almost 50 years, because Gidget came on in 1965, when I was 14/15. Then the CBSO took me back with The Brothers Johnson's awesome "Strawberry Letter 23" into commercial.

Speaking of finally making the transition from TV to films, Sally said she found success by going to an audition in character for her part. She has two Oscars, so she must be on to something.

Dave's fascinated with the news that Sally's brother, Dr. Rick Field, is a high-energy physicist with CERN in Switzerland, and works on the Large Hadron Collider. I wouldn't be surprised if Dave tried to get him on the show. Dave's not going to CERN, however. He says he'd be kinda scared... flying atoms and all.

(video)

••• Alan Kalter interrupts Dave to do a long-awaited ad for shoes.
(Alan): "This portion of the Late Show is brought to you by shoes, America's preferred foot covering. Shoes are available in a variety of sizes, like 2, 7 and 11EE. And shoes come in an assortment of colors, like brown and dark brown. So when you're heading out for a day at the park, or a stroll with a loved one, and you're looking for something on your feet, try shoes... available in stores that sell shoes! Back to you, duckface. Thank you."

I liked it last night when Dave told Alan, "You're an awful, awful man."

••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's makeup artist Jane Dipersio, who saved Dave's life. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "To unsubscribe to these updates, say 'unsubscribe' now." ••• desk chat: Dave's in the doghouse for commenting to Paul earlier that Sally Field looks like one of the staffers. ••• Timothy Simons plugs Veep. ••• Needtobreathe sing. They were good! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

NIELSEN SWEEPS, APRIL 24 - MAY 21

4/24/14 [4017]: Since that 16-year-old rapscallion rode an airplane tire to Hawaii four days ago, airlines are looking for big changes. / video:

(airport clips)

(voice-over): "After a teenager rode in the wheel well of a plane, the airline industry is looking for ways to prevent such incidents from happening again. Option 1: Add new security features to every plane. Cost: billions of dollars. Option 2: Wait a few years, and most kids will be too fat to fit in a wheel well."

(animation): A chubby young lad struggles to make his way into a wheel well. The landing gear, capable of supporting a heavy jet, is creaking.

(voice-over): "Cost? Free."

(FAA logo)

(voice-over): "A message from the FAA, a subsidiary of FATCO."

••• Today is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day. Wait a minute. Isn't that how we ended up with George W. Bush? •••

Dave glances over to stage right.

(Dave): "Look! Alan... Alan, is that your daughter? Look! Alan Kalter! Is that your daughter, Alan?"

We see Alan with a big, proud smile. Next to him is a 20-something hottie, who couldn't be less interested in the proceedings. She's chewing gum with her mouth open, and glancing around in complete boredom.

(Alan): "Yes, it is!"

(Dave): "Alan, I didn't know. I don't think I'd ever met... I didn't know you had a daughter."

(Alan, being snotty): "Well, I guess that would be none of my business, wouldn't it?"

(Jerry gets a close-up.)

(Dave): "Beautiful. Beautiful girl."

••• [The Yankees' Michael Pineda got himself suspended for 10 games yesterday, as he was caught with pine tar on his neck.] / "Michael Pineda: The Real Story" / video:
(title graphic and documentary music)

(voice-over): "Michael Pineda claims his body has been oozing pine tar, ever since he was bitten by a radioactive pine tree,..."

(FX): pine tree, glowing with radiation

(smiling Michael and voice-over): "... giving him a pine tree's proportional strength and stickiness."

(posed photo of Michael)

(voice-over): The Amazing Pine Tree-Man. In theaters everywhere May 2nd."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "The lowest capacity bus ever built could carry one passenger." / plug for Energizer Max® ••• Dave struggles, as usual, to send a tweet, "Can someone give me a lift to the tunnel?" As always, he has trouble finishing the deal. Bill Scheft comes over to save the day. ••• Alan: Tonight's TTL is sponsored by Intel®. ••• [Barack Obama has been in Japan, and earlier today he watched a robot called ASIMO.] / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through President Obama's Mind at This Moment •••
Neil Patrick Harris plugs Hedwig and the Angry Inch, at the Belasco Theatre, 111 West 44th Street, between Broadway and 6th Ave. It seems that Neil motorboated a heavy-set dude during his play, in which the characters sometimes interact a bit with the audience.

How I Met Your Mother was a long-winded tale to kids. It didn't have a happy ending, which was decided years before it aired. Some people hated the ending. The show had a balance between funny and serious. Neil's proud that the show went beyond sitcom.

Neil and family have moved back to New York. His son, Gideon, licked a subway, by the way.

Into commercial: Paul has a song about motorboating a heavy-set dude.

•••
Out of commercial, Dave's clearly bothered by something. He goes over to a camera and reaches into a guy's living room. Dave picks up a remote control and sets the TV to CBS, then tells the drowsy citizen to wake up. There's only 20 minutes left. (Mark Erbaugh played Mr. Sleepy. This information was shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette.) Dave asks Paul, "How'd that go?" Paul says, "It was conceptual." (That's what he says when he's trying to be diplomatic.)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up: Did you know there's a right way and a wrong way to blink? Our medical experts have the details!" •••
Sarah Hyland plugs Modern Family. The 23-year-old loves to go to Disneyland and Disney World, and has made the pilgrimage over 30 times. She's been on all the rides. Dave fails to find anything there she hasn't seen. It's been a rough two weeks since her last visit. Her pal, Taylor Allison Swift, went with her once. Good times.

What transpired on Late Night on 11/24/90, when Sarah arrived on the planet? Very little, because it was a day off, but the day before, Larry "Bud" Melman played Shirley MacLaine.

YouTube star Kailee McKenzie gets comments from her subscribers almost every day that she looks like Sarah Hyland.

(video)

••• Ray Lamontagne sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/25/14 [4018]: Michelle Obama is going to be on Nashville. Here's "First Lady Television Cameos." / video:

(title graphic and awards show music)

(photo): Nancy Reagan: Diff'rent Strokes 1983

(clip): Mary Tyler Moore: "Hello." / Betty Ford: "Hello, Mary. This is Betty Ford." / The Mary Tyler Moore Show 1976

(clip): Super Bowl 1967 / announcer: "Lady Bird Johnson with the pass. Touchdown Chiefs!"

(title graphic and awards show music)

••• interruption: It's Pat Farmer's Interruption #0005 for 2014.
(Dave, noticing Pat): "Oh, hi. Look, everybody. It's Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands. Hi, Pat. How are you?"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "Nice to see you."

(Pat): "Good. Same here."

(Dave, noticing the reddish goo under Pat's right ear): "What is that on your neck? Oh, you know what? I know what this is! Oh, this is great! Did you hear about the Yankee, Pineda... Michael Pineda got tossed out of a game because he had pine tar on his neck. You're gonna do a joke about the Yankees and the pine tar. This is great! Go ahead."

(close-up of Pat's neck)

(Pat, feeling his neck): "Pine tar?"

(Dave): "Huh?

(Pat): "Pine tar?"

(Dave): "Right there."

(Pat): "Oh, would you look at that! Oh, I know what this is! This is barbecue sauce, Dave, from my Easter cookout. I think." (tastes the goo) "That's exactly what it is. Barbecue sauce from the Easter cookout. Good! I'm good."

(Dave): "Uh... that's great, but you know, Pat, we're right in the middle of a show. Is there something I can help you with?"

(Pat): "No, Dave. No, Dave. Uh, I think you interrupted me. If you remember what it was for, Dave, I'll be backstage. Thank you." (turns and leaves)

(audience applauds enthusiastically)

(Dave): "Maybe we should get the suit of Alka Seltzer® ready." (video)

(Jerry Foley gets a shot of an audience guy, who must have asked about the Late Night classic from 9/06/84.)

••• Dave, a couple of jokes later: "And now, the Velcro® suit." (video from 2/28/84) ••• Scientists are working to bring back extinct animals. Here's an announcement:
(clips): scientists looking through a microscope, etc.

(voice-over): "Scientists at universities in the United States and Australia are working hard to bring long-extinct animal species back to life, with the possibility of reintroducing them into the wild. These animals include the passenger pigeon," (photo) "the Tasmanian tiger," (photo) "and the original Bruce Jenner." (before and after photos)

(voice-over): "A message from science. We do things because we can."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Now, here's what drives me nuts. How can you be sure the light goes off when you close the morgue drawer?" / a plug for Ford® •••
In Act 2, Dave decides to send a tweet, "Free stuff from Dairy Queen, please." As always, he has trouble finishing the deal. Bill Scheft scurries over to help. Both of them are nearsighted. Like me, they take their glasses off if they want to see something. Dave: The Dairy Queen is the most powerful woman in the world. Driving down the road, do you ever see a Dairy King? No. Dairy Queen bought up the name, and they're sittin' on it.
••• Alan: "Tonight's Top Ten list is brought to you by Intel®." ••• According to a recent study, we have 12 minutes to impress someone on a first date. / Top Ten Ways to Impress Someone on a First Date / #6: audience shout out: "Tell her you flew out of Albuquerque." ••• Piedmont Bird Callers, from the 49th annual event (Facebook)
  • third-place: Elliot Gordon and Walter Le Duy: Snowy Egret

  • second place: James Clifford, Eli Nash and Gabe Bolio: Red-necked Grebe

  • first-place winners Jasmin Nadim, Katie Cummins and Sami Barney: Cockatiel

  • all together now

  • newspaper coverage (They think it's still 2013.)
•••
Michael J. Fox, five-time Emmy winner, plugs The Good Wife, a CBS offering. His real name is Michael Andrew Fox, by the way. He's been married to the incredible Tracy Pollan for 25 years, and her forthcoming cookbook is a topic.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "And now, 'Humor for People Who Make Inexpensive Building Materials.' 'Particle board? More like particle bored!' " ••• more Michael J. Fox
Michael was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 1991. He has no doubt been the greatest advocate for research, having founded The Michael J. Fox Foundation, which has funded $450,000,000 in research. Scientists are trying to find bio markers and suitable drugs. He says, "Our foundation went into business to get out of business." By the time he was properly diagnosed, 80% of his cells that produce dopamine were gone. I've long admired his courageous battle, and his leadership toward finding the cure. Michael has always been an enjoyable guest. His @LETTERMAN Twitter card announces that tonight is his 40th appearance with Dave.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Kathy Mavrikakis, supervising producer, and Susan Miller, assistant to Rob Burnett, in bunny suits. Hey... do you visit Alan Page's Backstage Photo Club Gallery? It's free! ••• Naughty Boy sings. Sam Smith is on vocals. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/28/14 [4019]: [Can you believe that George Clooney is engaged? He's had a bunch of relationships, including hotties like Renée Zellweger and Kelly Preston, and one marriage. In 2007, he told Esquire magazine that he'd never marry again. He's signed on with lawyer Amal Alamuddin. Imagine the prenuptial agreement!] / "George Clooney's Dating Life" / video:

(title graphic and romantic music) I mean, I guess it's romantic. I don't know anything about mushy stuff.

(photo essay of George with babes): Lisa Snowdon, Elisabetta Canalis (a really hot one), Stacy Keibler, Madeleine Albright (eww), Christina Maniscalco (long, wavy hair and evening gown Photoshopped onto George's face, or vice versa)

(title graphic)

••• [A renegade mail carrier named William Morse has been convicted of hiding 44,900 pieces of mail at his deceased mother's house from 2011 to 2013.] / The United States Postal Service has an announcement.
(USPS logo and voice-over): "The U. S. Postal Service apologizes for the actions of Kentucky mail carrier William "Brent" Morse,..."

(photo of the dumbass)

(voice-over): "...who failed to deliver 45,000 pieces of mail, instead, storing it at his late mother's house. Morse has been sentenced to prison. Meanwhile, we're pleased to announce the opening of the U. S. Postal Service Mail Museum."

(museum sign in front of Mom's house, photos of mail tubs)

(voice-over): "Rummage through thousands of pieces of real mail! It's fun and educational! The U. S. Postal Service: 'Sorting and handling – the way you like it.' "

(me): Who the hell counted 45,000 pieces of mail? The USPS must have quite the intern program.

••• Over the weekend Pope Francis, along with former Pope Benedict, canonized two saints (and I think we all know how painful that can be). Double popes. / Double saints. The event was recorded in 3-D. How about a clip?
(clip): men in miters

(voice-over of Pope Francis): "Please put on your 3-D glasses now."

(Photoshop fun): rows and rows of cardinals wearing white 3-D glasses

••• [Karl Deisseroth and team of Stanford U. have figured out how to turn your brain off. The on part had been discovered earlier.] / Here's video of an early test of the process.
(It's our old friend, George W. Bush, at a lectern.): "Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House."

(FX): We see a finger push a toggle switch to OFF.

George W. Bush now looks around the room, waiting for his cue. Again he says, "Thanks for coming."

(new clip): Rocket scientists in Mission Control at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory jump to their feet and cheer. It must have been one of their Mars landings.

(me): Dave forgot to say, "There is no off position on the genius switch."

••• Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling got caught making racist remarks the other day. Dave takes a little side trip, saying the human body is an amazing piece of work. Now watch this.
(animation of nerves in action)

(voice-over): "Temperamental, hypercritical, irrational. Changes in hormone levels affect the level of neurotransmitters, the brain chemicals that regulate mood. When estrogen and progesterone are elevated, heightened emotions can lead to extreme crankiness, and a temporarily-altered personality. These symptoms are typical of someone who is nine months pregnant."

(clip): shot of Clippers owner Sterling's humongous gut

(voice-over): "Donald Sterling: It's the hormones talking."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "Johannes Gutenberg invented the printing press, and his great-grandson invented the sandwich press." / a plug for Zyrtec® ••• Top Ten Guys Donald Sterling Looks Like •••

Todd Seda comes out to set up "Todd at the New York International Auto Show." / It's another fun segment from Mr. Seda, but first Dave takes a few moments to let us get better acquainted with him. He's from Cleveland, and he attended the University of Ohio in Athens. He's sticking to his story that he's been an intern since 2009. (I don't think he's had his shirt tucked in since 2009.) Todd went to the auto show at the Jacob Javits Center, and says it was awesome (even though he's never owned a car).

Todd checks out high-end cars, and unusual ones. His closest friends join him in a compact car. (It's supposedly a total of 11 stuffed in there. I counted 10.) He gets in the trunk of a Mini Roadster and closes it, and has not been seen since. He talks to babes. Todd's segments are always fun.

(title graphic)

(YouTube video)

••• desk chat: Dave has a few words with Paul about the Godzilla movie that's opening on May 16. He's not too excited about it. I'd go see that cute Elizabeth Olsen. ••• Joel McHale, who'll host the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner this weekend, is on. •••
Vera Farmiga plugs Bates Motel, an A&E offering. This ends up being an unusual segment. Though she was born in New Jersey, she lived a number of years in Ukraine. Dave wants to talk about the current unrest there, as Pooty seems to be on the verge of an invasion. Vera must have said in the pre-interview that she was willing to talk about the situation, because Dave spends a good part of the interview on the subject, once they finish their talk about toilet training. Vera definitely has some choice words for Vladimir, which the censors have chosen to beep out.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back: How to make your own stylish prom dress with carpet samples!" ••• more Vera Farmiga / At the end of the interview, Vera is heard informing Dave that he can't retire. Ha! Look at Vera's @LETTERMAN card! Vera's guest appearance in a nutshell: potty and Pooty. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Karen Hymes and Barbara Taylor, scenic artist. ••• Aloe Blacc sings. Dave calls for a brief encore.

4/29/14 [4020]: Tony Award nominations were announced this morning. Here's "Shows Not Nominated for a Tony Award." / video:

(title graphic and awards show music)

(voice-over): "Gravity: The Musical."

(clip): A dude in an orange jumpsuit and a bogus-looking space helmet dances poorly for a few seconds.

(me): No comment.

••• The next Spider-Man movie opens this Friday, which brings us to "Early Reviews of the Amazing Spider-Man 2." / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "Rolling Stone's Peter Travers calls it 'a dazzling summer blockbuster.' The New York Times' Janet Maslin says, 'Action, thrills, emotion. It's a winner!' Donald Sterling, owner of the L. A. Clippers, says, 'It bothers me that you want to broadcast Spider-Man to the whole world. And don't bring a half man, half spider to my games.' "

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• [Karl Deisseroth and team of Stanford U. have figured out how to turn a brain off and on.] / video:
(It's our old friend, George W. Bush, at his desk in the Oval Office, doing an audio check.): "On the streets of major cities..."

(close-up of a finger pushing a toggle switch to OFF)

(George W. Bush): gazing around the room, waiting for his cue

(new scene): It's the rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech, cheering the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. There's lots of hugging and whooping. (YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Have you tried online poker? It's fantastic! A huge improvement over poker by mail!" / a plug for Nationwide® •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave announces that Craig Ferguson will leave the Late Late Show in December. Dave says, "His show was unlike any other late night show... Congratulations to Craig on a great run, and we all wish him well."

  2. Now Dave visits with Paul about California. Dave was there in the 70s for six or seven years. Paul was there one year. California was lots different from Indiana. For example, the palm trees you see everywhere have all been transplanted from somewhere else. It's a desert. Dave liked that in the morning you could go surfing, and in the afternoon you could go skiing. One slight issue was Dave didn't know how to surf or ski. Paul lived in West Hollywood. Dave lived in North Hollywood, then Laurel Canyon. Dave thinks he lived on Baker Street.

  3. interruption: The scrim rises, and Blue Lou Marini, of The Blues Brothers fame, plays Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street, with lots of fog, as he strolls out the back of the room. His name wasn't mentioned on air, but Don Giller recognized him. (It's been 34 years since The Blues Brothers came out.) Lou sat in on Late Night on 9/07/89, 2/20/90 and 10/12/90.
••• Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Dentist / #6 is an audience shout out. •••

"Stupid Pet Tricks"

  1. J. B. Bruton and Crown are from Albuquerque. Crown is a six-year-old golden retriever, who's had all his shots, by the way. Crown balances a glass of beer on his head. J. B.'s real nervous. His hand is shaking, and he has a terrible time getting the glass positioned on Crown's head, but they get it done long enough for a replay.

  2. Kirby Easler (a lady) and Grabel, age nine, are from St. Stephens, North Carolina. Grabel is a teeny little Yorkshire terrier. (I may never figure out when you capitalize a dog breed's name, and when you don't.) Kirby is a musician.

    Dave looks over at Paul for his reaction to the musician news, and absent-mindedly calls him "Bill." Right on cue, Paul starts singing The 5th Dimension's "Wedding Bell Blues." "Bill, I love you so. I always will." The song came out when I was a sophomore in college. I think it's one of the all-time great songs. Now back to SPT...

    Write this down: Grabel is the first talking dog to appear in SPT. Apparently a Democrat, Grabel sort of says "Obama." He gets a yummy dog treat afterward.

  3. Mark Faragoi and Luck and Riley are from Plainfield, Illinois. Luck is an Australian cattle dog, and Riley is a border collie. Here we go. Mark lays on his back on a mat, and sticks his legs up 90°, like a dead bug. Luck's on her game. In a flash, she's balanced on Mark's left shoe. Unfortunately, once Mark's holding Luck's weight, it's harder for him to get his right leg straight up, and Riley can't quite get in position. There's a great deal of barking going on, mostly on the part of Luck, who's looking straight at Riley, as if to say, "Get up here, dumbass. We're on CBS." They try again, and for about a half second, Riley's on Mark's other shoe. In fairness, this is probably the most difficult SPT ever tried.
••• desk chat: As tweeted earlier today, Dave reports that Sully, left at home on his own recognizance, ate 18 hard-boiled Easter eggs the other day. I think we all remember October 2012, when Sully bagged a deer up at the home place, and the family couldn't get him off the carcass. (We see the required shot of the mad dog who plays the part of Sully.) •••
Lucy Liu plugs Elementary. I was surprised to see her cheerful and upbeat demeanor, because she's played some tough characters over the years. She was Ling Woo on Ally McBeal, and O-Ren Ishii in the Kill Bill movies. She was born in Queens.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Tired of delays at airport metal detectors? Here's a tip that helped me. Stop the compulsive coin-swallowing." •••

desk chat:

Dave brings up the scandal involving Donald Sterling, billionaire owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, who's been banned from the NBA this week. Former NBA commissioner David Stern appears to address the issue.

The way I slap together these episode logs is have my computer do a video capture of each segment I need to write about. I write the log by watching a 6-inch-wide QuickTime video that I can run backward and forward, easy as pie, with the web page text editor open beside the video. I got a new 2 TB hard drive in December, and it still has David Stern's Top Ten Things I've Learned in My 30 Years as Commissioner of the NBA from 1/29/14. It's the strangest thing. Former commissioner Stern is wearing the same tie and suit as when he did the TTL three months ago today.

(Dave): "It's a bad time for American society, but good to examine something like this and, by God, get it out in the open and get it fixed. During your 30 years as the NBA commissioner, now, Donald Sterling had been accused of all kinds of ugly behavior, and I think he was even sued by the Department of Justice for discrimination. David, now, if you can... perhaps some of this is confidential, but if you can, tell us about the NBA's reason for not acting until now."

(David Stern delivers #6 from January's TTL, "I'm the only guy in the league who was Bar Mitzvah'd.")

(Dave): "Thanks, Dave, for droppin' by. Former NBA commissioner David Stern, ladies and gentlemen."

(me): Early on in this segment, it seemed odd that a former commissioner would weigh in on this so soon. And, if I hadn't caught on before, the fact that Stern backed off the stage might be a hint that VT was being played backward.

••• Ziggy Marley sings. I thought his song was way ahead of most of the musical acts that we see on the show. He was really good!

4/30/14 [4021]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who asked about cleaning a horse's teeth. (Hang in there. This was a slow start, but there's great stuff in tonight's episode.) ••• A new Star Wars will premiere on 12/18/15! The cast includes Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, R2D2 and The Exorcist himself, Max von Sydow. / We see a gathering of the aforementioned cast members, with Jackie Mason there, too, via Photoshop. ••• The United States hopefully has the good sense to avoid a war with Russia over the Ukraine, but we can expect economic sanctions against Russia. (We'd better hurry up and send off for our Russian brides.) Oh, wait. The economic sanctions aren't working. What now? / video:

(photo): the White House

(voice-over): "The White House encourages American citizens to get involved in our efforts to place diplomatic pressure on Russia, through our new Creative Sanctions Contest. E-mail your creative ideas for sanctions to whitehouse@yahoo.com, keeping in mind the following rules:

  1. Your sanctions should sound consequential,
  2. Your sanctions should be inconsequential, and
  3. Have fun.
If we use your sanction, you will win a free restaurant-quality pasta machine. A message from the Department of Contests."

(graphic): Department of Contests insignia

••• Uh oh. Dave apologizes for the following in advance. It ties in to the banning of Donald Sterling from the NBA for life. / "Other Sports Figures Banned for Life" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Pete Rose, banned from Major League Baseball for gambling. Lance Armstrong, banned from cycling for doping violations. Linda Janner, banned from the LPGA for dress code violations."

(clip): a middle-aged female golfer, au naturel, with a ginormous posterior (mercifully blurred out by the FX guys)

(voice-over): " 'Sports Figures Banned for Life' is made possible by a grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation."

(title graphic)

••• Dave's latest Scientific Monthly reports the human brain research at Stanford in search of an on/off switch for the brain.
(George W. Bush, speechifying behind a lectern): "But I also want to tell a story. And here's the story."

(close-up of a finger pushing a toggle switch to OFF)

(George W. Bush continues, sort of): "My dad, like many of your uh, folk, uh, you've got relatives here... many of you whose relatives did the same thing... who are... you're here... the relatives probably aren't."

(new scene): It's the rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech, cheering the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. There's lots of hugging and whooping and hollering. (YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Inspirational Message": "Gene Kelly did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels." / a plug for Zantac® ••• TTL set-up: Irate parents in Toronto want the local library to ban Dr. Seuss's book, Hop on Pop. (No, I'm not getting a kickback.) They believe it promotes violence against pops. / Top Ten Other Banned Dr. Seuss Books / #7: Megan Fox in Only Socks •••
Kiefer Sutherland stops by to plug the long-awaited 24: Live Another Day. It premieres on Cinco de Mayo on Fox. This is exciting. I don't watch many shows, since LSDL takes 15+ hours of my week, but I was spellbound by 24. Jack Bauer is the most heroic bastard any of us have ever known.

Dave begins the visit by commenting on Kiefer's daughter, Sarah Sutherland, who has a role on Veep. Dave was so impressed by her that he checked the credits to see who she was. Low and behold, she's Kiefer's offspring. At last, Kiefer and Donald have acted together, in Forsaken (2014). That made both of them nervous. Did you know that Kiefer means shade tree in German?

Sadly, there are no plans for any more 24.

•••
Dave introduces former NBA commissioner David Stern, here to comment again on Donald Sterling being banned from the NBA for life. That's right. It's a pre-owned segment from 1/29/14. Mr. Stern delivers #3 from his Top Ten Things I've Learned in My 30 Years as Commissioner of the NBA: "Moisten needle before inserting," and the miracle of videotape walks him backward offstage.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Joanna Ferrell, special ticketing program coordinator, with Lady Gaga. / I'm known to my student staff as DD Cool Y, but I've been wondering about a change to Gentleman Gaga. I don't know. I'm not willing to dress the part. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "There are too many words in the English language. I suggest we get rid of the word 'flange.' " •••
Dave's old associate from the Late Night days, Adam Resnick, is on to plug his brand new book, Will Not Attend: Lively Stories of Detachment and Isolation. I didn't know anything about Adam, although his name was familiar, but what a fun interview! Dave can't say enough about how much he loved the book.

Adam started at Late Night as an intern, opening Viewer Mail. Eventually he met Dave. The first thing Adam said to Dave was, "I'm Adam, a promising young intern." Dave muttered, "I'm sure you are," and exited the room.

Adam hates Disney, and gives us a trip report about getting suckered into visiting Disney World. With his iffy vision, Adam thought Tinker Bell was a dude. Get online and watch this interview, if you haven't seen it.

••• Benjamin Booker sings.

5/01/14 [4022]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who puts her fingers in the mouths of strangers. •••

Dave fusses about the minimum wage, which brings $290 per week. Embarrassing! By the way, Speaker of the House John Boehner spends more than that on spray tan. / animation: fluorescent orange Boehner / John pronounces his name as "Boner" 16 times. Do you need this information? Yes. Knowledge is power.
••• Mayor Rob Ford plans to go to rehab, and a hilarious announcement ran on Canadian television. (All of the horn section guys are from Toronto, by the way.) / video:
(clips of the mayor)

(voice-over): "Toronto mayor Rob Ford has accepted that he has a drinking problem, so he is entering rehab. Managing alcohol is never easy, but Mayor Ford is ready to take a crack at it, and determined to crack down on his drinking. He pledges to get up every day at the crack of dawn, and get cracking with his crack team of addiction specialists. And, while alcohol is a tough nut to crack, and sobriety isn't everything it's cracked up to be, Mayor Ford is determined not to fall between the cracks. So, to all the wise-cracking critics out there, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Rob Ford: crack crack crackity crack crack."

(This segment cracked me up. It was high time for the Late Show to crack the case of that crackpot mayor.)


Proud Sponsor of Tonight's Episode

••• Donald Sterling's banned for life. What will become of his NBA team? Here's "Billionaires Interested in Buying the Clippers." / video:

(title graphic and documentary music)

(photo of Jay Johnson, creative director, digital media)

(voice-over): "Ted Hanson, founder, Offendatronix."

(photo of Bob Fallor, operations manager)1

(voice-over): "Bob Lewis, owner, DiscriminaCo Industries."

(photo of John Moran, technical support guru)1

(voice-over): "Jack Turner, president & CEO, The Bigoted Group and its subsidiaries Prejudiced Machine Tools, Biased Aerospace and Anti-Ethnic Mineral & Chemical."

(title graphic)

1 (names of Bob Fallor and John Moran shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette) Thanks, Mike!

••• Dave didn't know anything about Donald Sterling before he was bad, but he's quite the stud. You can smell the cologne when you see him. Sterling's now trying to mend some fences, as seen in this video.
(clip of Sterling, with Turkish voice-over): "I love the Turkish people."
••• Dave and Harry are going to The Amazing Spider-Man 2 tomorrow, and here's an exclusive clip.
(clip): Spidey runs down an alley, approaches a yellow cab and tries to get in the back seat.

(cab driver): "Hey, man, I don't want to mess with you."

(Spidey): "Open the door, would you please? I'm not feeling well."

(graphic): THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

(me): I just saw that Emma Stone is in the Spidey movie. I'm going for sure.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Classic Moral Dilemma": "An out-of-control train is speeding toward five track workers. Wow! That's going to be something, right?" / a plug for J. C. Penney® ••• Top Ten Reasons Rob Ford Is Taking a Leave of Absence •••
Louis C.K. plugs FX's Louie. Louie says, "By the way, I'm very pleased for Stephen Colbert. He's a great guy, and he's my friend, but the fact that you're leaving really sucks balls, I think." Dave promptly writes that down, and replies, "Louie, no one on this program, either over at NBC or here, has ever used the expression 'sucks balls.' " (YouTube)
••• "Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens"
(title graphic)

(voice-over): " 'Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens': Frank, honest advice for the youth of today, from a voice they respect."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Tonight's guest host: Alan Kalter."

(Alan, being super-cool, grabs a folding chair and raps with teens seated near his perch.): "Yo, peeps! I want to talk to you today about something extremely important. How many of you know someone who's shoplifted? One, two... OK, a few of you. Well, gang, shoplifting may seem cool, but it can lead to big trouble. Do any of you know why?"

(teens answering): "Grounded." "It's bad."

(Alan): "OK. Here's 411. Without a receipt, a store is not gonna exchange a shoplifted item. If you're gonna shoplift, also steal a receipt! Got it? Word up!"

(voice-over): " 'Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens' is sponsored by the National Council of Churches."

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Lubricant? Lubri-Can!" ••• Amy Sedaris interview ••• Here's a first. Tonight's musical act is sponsored by Macy's®. ••• Andy Karl and the cast of Broadway's Rocky: The Musical

5/02/14 [4023]: Yup... we saw this one coming down Broadway, as soon as Dave said he had an impression of himself. He claims it's not an impression. OK, but it's impressive.

Dave turns 180° to prepare. There's a great deal of throat clearing. With both palms, Mr. Letterman carefully smooths his hair, for what may be his performance of a lifetime. He turns to face his eager audience, then begins, "Uhhh, one senior for Spider-Man, please."
••• monologue: on "The Amazing Spider-Man 2": "Whenever there is mortal danger, what you want is a teenager in Spandex." ••• In honor of the Spidey premiere: "Good Radioactive Spider Bite – Bad Radioactive Spider Bite" / video:
(title graphic and Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train")

(photo): a fuzzy, menacing-looking spider

(voice-over): "Good radioactive spider bite results in superhuman strength, speed, agility and reflexes."

(clip of Spidey zipping through some skyscrapers)

(photos): a yellow and black spider on web duty, then a hand which has had a horrendous spider bite

(voice-over): "Bad radioactive spider bite: results in redness and swelling, fever, fatigue, skin rash, hair loss, nausea, dizziness, unsteady gait and persistent dry cough."

title graphic and, "Now it's up to you. Good luck, and get going!"

(me): I'm not quite sure what the joke was. I went back and watched it again, and I still don't know.

••• There's so much commotion over news of George Clooney's engagement to lawyer Amal Alamuddin. The Today Show covered it this morning. / video:
(host): "In its latest issue, People magazine had some new, juicy details."

(bogus host, off-camera, as we see a close-up): "We have a picture of the ring. All seven carats of it. Emerald cut. Gorgeous. And this was George's idea: "Over three years, the ring slowly dissolves, at which point the bride knows that she should leave George to make room for his next relationship."

(Matt Lauer): "Thank you."

(female host): "Check out People. Thank you. That was 'Trending Today.' We'll be back in 30 seconds."

••• Netflix® is a thing now. You can get it anywhere. It's an excellent source of radiation. Hey! They have a brand new, original series, and here's an announcement. / video:
(the scene): a Toronto City Council meeting

(Councilman): "Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?"

(cut to Mayor Rob Ford): saying nothing... looking guilty

(Netflix logo)

(back to Rob Ford): "Yes, I have."

(Toronto skyline and dramatic theme music, followed by opening credits clips of Rob Ford): walking into a camera, beating Hulk Hogan in arm wrestling, falling over with a football, smarting off to someone with Doug Ford, knocking over Councillor Pam McConnell and sort of dancing

(title graphic and Canadian flag): House of Crack

(Netflix logo)

••• [Remember that joke we've had, three of the last five days, about Karl Deisseroth and team of Stanford U. figuring out how to turn a brain off and on? Make that four of the last five days!] / video:
(It's a CNN clip of our old friend, George W. Bush, orating): "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah..."

(close-up of a finger pushing a toggle switch to OFF)

(George W. Bush): "Ramzi... Ramzi al Shibh, or whatever the guy's name was."

(new scene): It's the rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech, cheering the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. There's lots of hugging and whooping. (YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Thomas Edison was the first peson ever to say, 'Does my voice really sound like that?' " / a plug for Aflac® •••

desk chat:

Here's a contender for the longest-ever audience shout out. It's a detour after opening the TTL montage. Dave has a tale of behind-the-scenes drama. Tonight: Where do we put the women from Orlando? Paul weighs in early. "Find them a place in a hotel, so they don't have to go all the way to Ossining!" (Could Paul possibly be suggesting that the nice ladies find accommodations in Sing Sing penitentiary? Let's rule that out for the moment.) Dave: "First we had them in a place where I don't think they need to stay." (Either that means it's too expensive, or too crummy, right?) Paul wonders if he means the Parker Méridien. No, not at first, but later, yes. But there's three of them, and maybe a guy, so what to do? (audience shot) Paul says, "There should be one room for each of them." During commercial, a staffer told Dave there was a room for all three of them. Dave reminded the staffer that there are three. Please stay tuned.
••• [Donald Sterling's girlfriend, who's 48 years younger, is the topic tonight. She was once known as Vanessa Perez, but legally changed her name to V. Stiviano. Of late, V. has been wearing a big visor in public. It's more like a welder's helmet than a visor. One of the producers thinks V. has a piece of the visor company, and she's wanting to promote the ridiculous thing.] So here we are with a pictorial TTL, Top Ten Other Ways Donald Sterling's Girlfriend Hides Her Face. / #7: tuba / #4: pet cone / #2: Pharrell's hat / #1: "Best Girlfriend Ever" balloon •••
Wake the kids. Phone the neighbors. Don Rickles is on. He's played on with a trumpet solo by Frank Greene, and an extended standing O from the audience. Don will be honored (or roasted) on May 28 with One Night Only - A Tribute to Don Rickles.

I don't know when I've enjoyed an interview so much. Don dumps on Dave. Dave dumps on Don, at least a little. Don begins with a compliment to Felicia Collins. A compliment from Don? Now, that's something!

Now Don turns slowly toward Dave to begin the proceedings. He explains, "When you get older, the underwear gets stuck in the canal." Dave: "That's certainly food for thought." Then we get into the discussion about the germs that have been gnawing on Mr. Rickles. He had come out slowly, using a cane, because he recently had an operation for a case of necrotizing fasciitis, a serious bacterial disease. Don's 87. It needed to be taken care of in a hurry, or as he said, "And if it goes to the knee, I wind up with Johnny Depp as a pirate." Then he says, "That was one of my best jokes, gang."

Don has known many U. S. presidents. He was part of Ronald Reagan's second inauguration, at the insistence of Frank Sinatra. A bit later, Dave plays along with Don's insult of the Polish, and Don turns on him, saying, "Don't be... you're doin' so good. Don't turn on me. You were goin' along, like the sweetheart I know you are, and now you've got that little Nazi attitude that you're comin' up with."

Don wishes Dave luck with his retirement. Pointing to the audience, he says, "Look how excited they got. He's goin' back with his wife in the middle of the West, and he's gonna milk cows until he dies. That's what he's gonna do." Not long after, Don says, "I wish you luck, Dave. I really do. I do. And I'll be honest with you, Dave, because I'm not gonna lie to you. It's time."

He tells Dave, "You've been a wonderful friend." The he insults the Filipinos and Japanese... recalling his World War II days. (I had quite a tussle trying to figure out how to spell Filipinos, by the way.)

Then Don talks about his wife, endlessly online. Dave asks if she does a lot of shopping online. "None of your business," Don replies. He says she doesn't get real jewelry now, because he's 88 next week.

Dave brings up the tribute being taped next week, to air on May 28, saying, "A tribute to Don Rickles. It's gonna be everywhere... all over every cable network... a night honoring and saluting you... richly deserved, and if there is a person who stands alone as a domineering force in the world of comedy and entertainment, it would... and you'd be on that list, too."

Don smiles and pretends to write in a scorebook, "Dave leading the Jew... 2 - nothing."

(video)

••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Don Rickles and Regis Philbin, on 4/30/12 ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "By watching, you agree that CBS may use photos or video of you sprawled on your couch for promotional purposes." ••• Carmen Lynch does stand-up. She did great, I thought. ••• The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger sing.

5/05/14 [4024]: The CBSO changed up the last bar of the theme song. What's up with that? ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a Mayor Rob Ford lookalike... ballpark, anyway. ••• It wouldn't be a proper Five-o de Mayo without a check on Mayor Rob Ford. / video:

As is often the case, we find His Honor in the city council chambers, tonight wearing a good-sized FX sombrero, dancing like a fool.

(unannounced cut to Steve Young in his office): "Hi. I'm Late Show writer Steve Young. I'm not proud of that bit. In my defense, when I wrote it, I was on crack." Steve then holds a juice harp to his teeth and gives it a flick. We hear a nice FX "boing," and Steve returns to his duties. (video)

••• The FDA made an announcement today about e-cigarettes. / video:
(CNN video): FDA headquarters

(female voice-over): "The FDA proposed extensive regulations today on e-cigarettes, but some anti-smoking activists say they don't go far enough... most notably that they do nothing to regulate e-chewing tobacco."

(clip): A man with a pouch of the phony tabacky takes out a wad of electronic parts, and delivers it to his mouth.

(FX): With every few chews, a nice, big jolt of juice zaps him, and he says "Ow."

(graphic): CNN logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I have absolutely no idea what happened to my neighbor's wind chimes." / a plug for kayak.com •••

desk chat:

Sully loves to catch frisbees. This winter, Dave injured himself skiing. He messed up his right shoulder... not good for frisbee action. Peyton Manning had to take a year off football to recover from his shoulder injury. Dave took inspiration from Peyton's comeback last season. If someone hands you a tomato, make lemonade. Dave taught himself to throw Sully's frisbees left-handed, and he's actually better at it that way.
•••
Shailene Woodley plugs The Fault in Our Stars, set to premiere on June 6. She thinks she's from a small town (Simi Valley, California). Come on, Shailene, your town has 126,000 people. Try growing up in my home town of 200 people!

She was a model at the age of four, and had numerous roles in TV shows as a young girl. Her parents always supported her, and now she's even been in a movie with George Clooney. She compliments him for the positive attitude he brought to work every day. (Dave informs Shailene that he's not quite the same as George.)

OK... enough about acting. Dave wants to know why Shailene eats clay. Yup. She sends off to Mountain Rose Herbs for clay to eat every day. The outfit doesn't sell clay to be eaten, but she's from California, so whatever. She informs Dave that people in lots of countries eat clay, which apparently is different from dirt. It makes quite a fine toothpaste, as well. Shailene believes that the clay in her diet binds to toxins in her body, helping to get rid of them. At this point, Dave asks if she's ever heard of Metamucil®.

•••
Peyton Manning is up next. Dave has obviously admired him, and definitely has followed his career, since he played for the Indianapolis Colts for 13 seasons, after going #1 in the NFL draft after his career at Tennessee.

Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our food experts tackle the question: is it possible for a casserole to be too delicious?"

more Peyton Manning: Dave wants to know about his injury, that involved his neck, but also involved nerves, and that interfered with his passing. Peyton had to regain his nerve function. It was a difficult recovery, and only three people saw him throw as he recovered. Guess what! 2013 was an MVP season!

After commercial, it's the Late Show Quarterback Challenge on Broadway. (video) Taxis are the targets. Peyton goes 3 of 3. Dave goes 0 of 3, but has some close shots. We also see clips from 12/08/97 of Peyton throwing a football through a window across 53rd St.

I like it when Dave has the good guys from sports... or Jerry Lawler... on as guests.

5/06/14 [4025]: "America: The Story of Us" /

(title graphic and uplifting music)

(WJXT TV-4 news anchor Bruce Hamilton, Jacksonville): "Police in Georgia are searching for a man who robbed a waffle house... with a pitchfork."

(title graphic and uplifting music)

••• interruption: Why's NBC advertising on CBS?
(graphic): NBC Sports Network logo

(voice-over): "Don't miss NBC's exclusive coverage of the 140th Kentucky Derby. Who will win the most exciting two minutes in sports? Will it be Wildcat Red, Danza or California Chrome? Find out Saturday, only on NBC."

(graphic): NBC Peacock

(voice-over): "Now back to the Steve Harvey Show, already in progress."

••• What an honor! It's Kentucky Derby winner Kentucky Chrome in the CBS guest seats in the balcony. ••• Who's going to buy the Clippers? Donald Sterling can't keep 'em. / "If Oprah Bought the Los Angeles Clippers" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(Clippers game coverage): player shooting a free throw

(clip): audience ladies going nuts

(title graphic)

(graphic and voice-over): "If Oprah Bought the Clippers" is a production of..." (animation) Harpo Productions

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Statistics Corner": "If you flip a coin one thousand times, that's just pathetic." / a plug for Ford® ••• Assistant Cue Card Technician Intern Todd Seda comes out to set up his trip to the Kentucky Derby. (No, his shirt isn't tucked in.) / video:
We'll see various fun scenes.
  • Steve Buttleman, official bugler of Churchill Downs

  • Todd, in a Southern gentleman's outfit, says, "Hi, this is Todd. I'm at Churchill Downs for the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby. Let's do this!"

  • Todd photobombs Al Roker

  • Todd asks spectators if horse names are real or fake. (Stand by for the Late Show "yes" bell or "no" buzzer.): Commanding Curve: Fake / Wrong • Daddy's Got Gout: Real / Wrong • Lazy Eye Larry: Fake / Yes • Four-Legged Potroast: Real / Wrong • Strong Mandate: Fake / Wrong • Danza: Real / Yes

  • playing with a gentleman's mustache

  • trading straw hats with a gentleman

  • trying a cigar

  • Horse whispering with David Carroll, trainer

  • trying some horse chow

  • tongue check

  • making an angel in a horse's bedding

  • taking a selfie, wearing a horse's headgear

  • faking being a jockey

  • with Rosie Napravnik, jockey, Vicar's in Trouble, who's eaten nothing today

  • with Corey Lanerie, jockey, Harry's Holiday, who's tired of bouncing on his nuts all day

  • fooling around with Ken Griffey, Jr., Star Jones, Rick Pitino, Angela Bassett, Carson Kressley of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Joey Fatone of N'Sync, Travis Tritt, Dr. J

  • Todd bets $2 on every horse, and wins $7.

  • having a cookie with Victor Espinoza, jockey of champion horse California Chrome
(title graphic): "Todd at the Kentucky Derby"
••• John Cryer plugs Two and a Half Men, and we get to see a gallery of his hair styles from his movie roles. •••

desk chat:

Dave opens the TTL montage, then starts to set up the list. The U. S. Open bowling tournament has been canceled because of lack of interest. Dave visits with Paul about bowling as a teen. Then he gets into TV coverage of bowling by Chris Schenkel (I just remember him from ABC's coverage of the Indy 500: "And they're racing at Indianapolis!") and Billy Welu. Then Dave wants to know who the big bowling star used to be, and looks over at Bill Scheft, who says Johnny Petraglia, Don Carter and Dick Weber." Who else? Dave wants to know who the big guy was. Scheft says Earl Anthony. Nancy Agostini guesses Norm Duke. (Nope.) Then an audience guy in the balcony, who's had enough, hollers Carmen Salvino. Uh oh. Now Dave's wasted 3½ minutes, so the Top Ten is canceled! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "It's outrageous. It's 2014 and we still don't have aerosol goat cheese."
•••
Elizabeth Olsen plugs Godzilla. She's the taller little sister of the Olsen twins. Elizabeth looks more like Ashley than Mary-Kate. (I noticed on IMDB that she's 4" taller than Ashley, and 5" taller than Mary-Kate. Can that be true?) There's a lengthy discussion of what it's like to act with CGI as your co-star. Ashley has some kind of shoulder pads on under her jacket, like the lady stars of Dallas wore, back in the 80s. She's real beautiful, and she doesn't need any help. Jerry Foley runs the obligatory bogus clip, then a real one. Dave invites her back.
••• Foster the People sing "Best Friend," accompanied, as best I can tell, by members of the West Los Angeles Children's Choir. Aside from the daily excellence of the CBS Orchestra, this performance is up there with the annual visit from Darlene Love, and Christina Perri's appearance last month. I looked up Foster the People's tour dates, thinking I might catch them. They're playing in Kansas City, Missouri on May 17, but at the same hour that my nephew is graduating from medical school in Kansas City, Kansas. Oh, well, I can catch them in Vancouver four days later. (video)

5/07/14 [4026]: Tonight's audience shout out is a bit mysterious. Dave just says, "Quentin Avery." ••• "Jeb Bush: No, thanks." / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(photo): a bespectacled Jeb

(George W. Bush): "Hey, Jeb, if you've got... if you need some advice, give me a call."

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• Twitter has connected the world. For some reason, people are using it less and less. Now there's a solution to increase use. / video:
(Twitter logo)

(voice-over): "Attention Twitter users: As you may have heard, our membership numbers are on the decline."

(photos of users)

(voice-over continues): "To ensure that your tweets continue finding an audience, Twitter is proud to introduce mouth-tweeting™, a process in which users tweet their thoughts and opinions verbally, face-to-face with their friends."

(various anatomical diagrams and animations)

(voice-over): "Mouth-tweets™ are generated by airstreams passing through a user's vocal cords and mouth. The tweet is then transmitted via accoustic frequencies to a follower's auditory system. From there, it is amplified by the eardrum, transmitted into electrical impulses, and converted to language by the brain. And the best part is: no special equipment is required! Twitter... now in the Yellow Pages!"

••• "New York State: Your Tax Dollars at Work" / video:
(title graphic)

(the scene): the New York State Senate chamber

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "That this bill would designate yogurt as the official state snack."

(another Senator): "What, exactly, are we defining as a snack?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "You have breakfast, lunch and dinner... and then you have snacks."

(Senator): "Did you consider, uh, say, the potato chip?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "No."

(Senator): "Cheesecake?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "Well, the cheesecake... I thought more of a dessert."

(Senator): "Raisins?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "No."

(Senator): "Cashews?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "No! I would never do that."

(Senator): "Pretzels?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "Never!"

(Senator): "What if... for you, Mr. President, if this pretzel was dipped in yogurt?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "Yogurt would be the state snack. The pretzel would not."

(lady Senator): "Can we consider the carrot cookie?"

(Senate leader): "The bill is passed. Senator Libous?"

(Senator Michael H. Ranzenhofer): "And lastly, let me talk about the state muffin."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Here's how to tell if the earth is ripe. The mantle should be a rich, juicy red." / a plug for Breathe Right® •••

••• "Small Town News"

  • South Bend Tribune, South Bend, Indiana: marriage applications: "Goober, Ti, 32, and Precious Plump, 20... both of Sound Bend"

  • City Newshound, Chicago, Illinois: advertisement: "Easter Egg Hunt, noon, Saturday, April 5, 2014, Ridge Funeral Home"

(Ladies and gentlemen, we have a change of direction. Here's a spontaneous desk chat.)

(Dave): "I just want to mention one thing. I don't know if we have time to get into it now, but I am suing the State Department of the United States."

(Paul): "You are... Really? What's this about?"

(Dave): "My passport photo."

(Paul): "Yes? Well, please elaborate."

(Dave): "Well, I can't. I'm right in the middle of 'Small Town News.' "

(Paul): "Why did you bring it up?"

(Dave): "I said, I wanted to remind you to let me tell you later."

(Paul): "Remind you. Alright, I'll remind. I'll remind you."

(Dave): "Also, I want to talk about the bombing at the big Don Rickles tribute dinner last night."

(Paul): "Oh, I know. You said you bombed, but you couldn't have been that bad. I'm sure you..."

(Dave, to the camera): "Listen, do me a favor..."

(Paul): "No, you're always good..."

(Dave): "Listen. Don't ever invite me to any kind of function."

(Paul): "No, you're always good at those things."

(Dave): "I'm not comin' to your function, because it was just humiliating..."

(Paul): "People fall all over. They love you at those things."

(Dave, holding up a hand): "Please."

(Paul): "Are you kidding?"

(Dave): "I was there. Were you there?"

(Paul): "Well, I wasn't there, but I'm sure, because you always..."

(Dave): "I want to apologize to Don Rickles and his family..."

(Paul): "No. No. No. No."

(Dave): "To everybody who was in attendance..."

(Paul): "You're making too much of..."

(Dave): "... the producers of the event..."

(Paul): "Get out!"

(Dave): "I'd like to apologize to everybody at the Apollo Theater..."

(Paul): "That's not..."

(Dave): "... in the audience, except for Harvey Weinstein."

(Paul): "Except for him."

(Dave): "I could care less what he thinks."

(Paul): "Alright. But otherwise..."

(Dave): "But other than that..."

(Paul): "No, I can't believe this."

(Dave): "...it was God-awful."

(Paul): "I don't believe it. You can't be serious."

(Dave): "I predicted it. I predicted it two months ago. I said... Maybe I told you this story once before. A dear friend of mine passed away a couple of years ago. And one of his requests was that I speak at the funeral. I was honored. I was touched. I was honored. I get there. There's the funeral program. Guess what! I'm closing. I'm closing the funeral."

(Paul): "Well..."

(Dave): "And so... and it was Passover, and the guy was Catholic."

(audience laughing)

(Dave): "And, so all of his best friends are ahead of me, and I think, 'Oh, my goodness! All of his best friends. That's a lovely thing. They're gonna have lovely stories to tell. I don't really have anything to say about the poor man. Uh, so... we get there, we're sitting there, and it's beautiful, and the church is beautiful, and the friends get up, and they tell heart-warming stories, and you get that wonderful feeling of sharing something really very intimate for the family, and so I get up, and the... the priest, the father introduces me, and I turned to him and I said, 'Thank you, Rabbi.' "

(audience giggling)

(Dave): "And..."

(Paul): "Well, it's a funny opening."

(Dave): "It was a great line."

(Paul): "Funny opening."

(Dave, looking over at Paul): "And then, I started to talk about the departed, and I burst into tears, and that was it!"

(Paul): "Well..."

(Dave): "That was it!"

(Paul): "It was emotional. I'm sure it was emotional."

(Dave): "It was emotional because I had no material! I don't..."

(audience applauding)

(Dave): "It was awful!"

(Paul): "Well, then, so what does this... what does this have to do with last night at the big Don Rickles tribute?"

(Dave): "Same thing. Same thing."

(Paul): "What do you mean, 'same thing' ?"

(Dave): "It was the same thing. By the way, the Apollo Theater... you ought to go up there."

(Paul): "Oh, I love... Of course, I know it is."

(Dave): "Beautiful. I was up there, years and years ago. I think they've redone it a couple of times. It's lovely. And, so all night long, it's this tribute, and I get there. The thing lasted 2½ hours. And I get there, and Regis Philbin is on. And his segment... You think this is long right now, you should have seen the Regis Philbin segment. It was endless! And so, when I thought that, I thought, 'Well, this is easy. I've got nothin' to worry about, if Regis is just out there yakkin' about himself, tellin' stories about when he worked in San Diego, uh... which I personally know is all bull     ."

(Will Lee): guitar riff

(Dave): "So... I... So now I realize somethin's wrong, because Robert DeNiro, who's been on the show, and just went mute... He was Mute Boy! He sat there like he couldn't hear me, like he was... some sort of... they're waiting for some sort of... You know, when you go to the eye doctor, and they make you sit in the waiting room while the drops take hold? It was like that. He was just..."

(Paul): "He is one of our greatest... No, he's one of... (laughs) He's one of our greatest actors."

(Meanwhile, Dave's gazing around the room as Mute Boy.)

(Dave): "Alright. So then..."

(Paul): "Not necessarily comfortable on the panel of a talk show."

(Dave): "Now he comes out, and he and Martin Scorcese are both drinkin', and they killed!"

(Paul): "OK."

(Dave): "Blinky and Martin Scorcese decimate the place."

(Paul): "Well, there..."

(Dave): "So now I'm thinkin', 'Oh, my God! Look out! If these guys are killin'..."

(Paul): "Yeah."

(Dave): "And I'm thinkin' flashback to, 'Oh, thank you, Rabbi'..."

(Paul): " 'Thank you, Rabbi.' " (pause) "So you're closing the Don Rickles tribute?"

(Dave): "So now I have to introduce Don at the..."

(Paul): "Oh, I see."

(me): Where was I? I looked over at the Late Late Show, and Craig's got this hottie in a tiny black dress, Megan Boone. Sorry.

(Dave): "This is a position of great honor, by the way, and I thank everybody for makin' that mistake. But, I... So now, guess what! Uh, they say, 'OK, Mr. Letterman. Come with us. You're on next.' And I say, 'Who's on right now?' And they say, 'Well, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are gonna come out.' "

(Paul): "Oh, I see."

(audience laughing)

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right."

(Paul): "Well, they are very strong."

(Dave): "That's right."

(Paul): "They're very strong..."

(Dave): "I've gotta follow the Wrecking Crew!"

(Paul): "The Wrecking Crew. Ha ha ha!"

(Dave): "And they come out, and it's unbelievable. Everything they say... hilarious! They're so funny, because they are so funny. They're delightful, and they're nice, and they're really, really funny, and people are doin' this." (Dave holds a hand to his forehead, as though in the midst of a dreadful headache, as he places his left hand over his aching tummy.) 'Oh, stop! Please don't! Oh, please. Oh, no more! My ribs!' "

(Paul): "Ha ha! 'Oh, my ribs.' "

(Dave): " 'Stop! I can't... Please. Please. I can't laugh any more.' "

(Paul): "I'm sure that..."

(Dave): "So then... then I come out, and as I predicted, it was 'Mmm, thank you, Rabbi.' And it was.... And then I burst into tears. Ha ha ha ha ha. It was awful! Awful! And then... and then when you bomb (and I always bomb). I mean, we have a tremendous... I can't leave the building. I've been made so comfortable here, in this position, I go someplace else, it never works."

(Paul): "Well, I know how..."

(Dave): "And then afterwards, people look at you like..."

(Paul): "Ha! They can't look at you!"

(Dave): " 'Hey, nice job.' "

(Paul): "No, no, no."

(Dave): " 'Nice job.' "

(Paul): "You're always brilliant at those. You're always hilarious."

(Dave): "Alright. And that's it for 'Small Town News.' Here we go."

(CBSO): "Small Town News" theme.

•••
Mariah Carey drops by to plug her 14th album, "Me. I am Mariah ... The Elusive Chanteuse." We learn about her twins, Monroe and Moroccan. Mariah pretty much interviewed herself. She rarely came up for air. She reminded me of that tall, gray-haired guy who shows up unannounced on the show, and won't stop talking.
••• Rick Harrison plugs Pawn Stars. Dave wants to talk about Austin "Chumlee" Russell. I've never seen the show, but apparently Dave watches it often. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Seth Mintz, audio engineer ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Am I the only one who buys helium balloons for the string?" ••• It's more with Rick Harrison, with some of his items, including a Johnny Cash driver's license and a Confederate $100 bill that's now worth $200. ••• The Whigs sing. ••• Michael J. Muller, audio technician, sat in for Felicia Collins on guitar.

5/08/14: a few words from the proprietor...

Today's the 18th anniversary of my first Late Show taping, in the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. I won a national Letterman trivia contest, sponsored by CBS. The questions weren't hard if you'd been watching every day, and each correct answer put your name in for a random drawing. The prize was a trip for two, hotel and a Lincoln town car and driver! Dean Cain was a guest. Rupert flew out to help Dave bother people. I wouldn't meet him for another 11 years. I'd been to lots of rock concerts, with crew scrambling around getting everything ready. I was surprised when we walked in and the set was totally ready, but that's how the Late Show rolls. I noticed a long-haired man wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt, two seats away in my row. I whispered to my friend that Dave would likely single him out. Sure enough, staff approached the man during the first commercial break with release paperwork. Out of the break, Dave came down to our row and asked the gent if he'd like to shower in Dave's dressing room. He agreed, and America got progress reports through the rest of the show as he tidied up. I found out later that he was a math professor at Stanford.

I had always wanted to go to a Late Night taping, but I couldn't really afford the trip, and was so excited to finally get that chance in the Late Show era. Paul Shaffer had recorded an answering machine message for a segment, and I had it on my machine, so when CBS called, Paul answered the phone.

5/08/14 [4027]: First time ever? Dave has a colorful hanky in his suit pocket. (OK, I looked back over the last six weeks. Dave had a hanky on April 30 and May 5, 6, 7 and today. I just didn't notice.) ••• It's National Nurses' Week. Tonight's audience shout out is to one or two nurses. ••• Our next topic is the May 9, 2014 Rolling Stone cover photo of Neil Patrick Harris. His attire is a black bow tie and a large, black top hat over his deal. Dave: "May I check your hat, sir?" Paul: "Naughty individual." •••

Oh, boy, here we go. You'll need to visit your clergyman after this segment.

(Dave): "You know, Alan Kalter, our announcer... When were you on... He was on..."

(Paul): "Cover of the Rolling Stone?"

(Dave): "Cover of the Rolling Stone. Alan, when was that? Was that..."

(Alan, mortified, shaking his head "no"): "I was never on the cover. I would remember. I was never there. It didn't happen, Dave. Ever."

(Dave): "Alan was on the cover. He's just being modest." (to Paul) "When was it?"

(Paul): "Well..."

(Dave): "Was it a year ago?"

(Paul): "It was a year ago. I remember it... a couple of years ago."

(Dave, to Alan): "Do you remember who shot... you were on the... do you remember who took the photograph?"

(Alan, steamed): "There was no photo, Dave. Skip it. Go on. Just go on. Move!"

(Dave): "Now, I... I... I'm thinking my memory is playing tricks on me."

(Paul): "Yeah, no... I think you're right, though, that he was on the cover."

(Dave): "Let me ask the folks in the control room. Uh, do... in the photo file... the electronic photo file, do we have... and maybe it doesn't exist."

(Alan, hollering): "No, no! No! Jerry, don't put it up, please." (louder) "Don't put it up, Jerry! Don't put it!"

(Jerry Foley puts up the photo of Alan Kalter on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Mr. Kalter is naked, save for a small, black bow tie and a thimble-sized black top hat, positioned over his deal.)

(audience): screams with laughter

(Dave): "Yeah, that's what I was... I thought that was..."

(shot of Alan, pouting)

(me): It's OK, Alan. Your Rolling Stone cover was no big deal.

••• Sometimes TV looks easy and effortless. Sometimes there's trouble. Dave recalls the late, great Tim Russert on Meet the Press. Now David Gregory is doing a wonderful job, but there's been some trouble of late. Let's look at a clip from last Sunday, and figure out what's going on. Watch closely, won't you?
("Meet the Press" clip): Three male journalists have had enough of each other. They rise, and with them comes the top of their curvy desk. Back and forth it goes, until one gets close enough to the other to kick him. Staffers rush in to separate them. It reminds one of a Three Stooges episode.

(me): OK... this really happened, but on a news set in Jordan on Wednesday. (video) At least all three were sharply dressed for their tussle. I think the set can be easily salvaged, but probably not their careers.

••• Oh, boy, here we go again. (No, it's not Monica Darby.) We refer, of course, to the research into the on/off switch for the human brain. Just for fun, Dave's now claiming that the research was done at JPL, not by Karl Deisseroth and team of Stanford U. All that matters is the writers have repurposed some footage of W. for comedy gold.
(George W. Bush, at a lectern): "And uh... it is a, uh..."

(close-up clip): A finger pushes a toggle switch from ON to OFF.

(George continues): "I think it is a... I think it is... It's a... It's a..."

(new scene): Rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech cheer the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. There's lots of hugging and whooping. (YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "You'll be sorry if I catch you weighing anything other than mail on a postal scale." / a plug for the GMC Sierra ••• Top Ten Signs a $20 Bill Is Counterfeit / #6: a shout out to the nurses •••
James Franco plugs Palo Alto, which opens tomorrow. The lovely Emma Roberts has a major role, so I'd better have a look this weekend. I love Emma! James is from Palo Alto, by the way. It should be noted that James arrived on the set with the little black top hat prop.

Mr. Franco has done a lot in his 36 years. As an actor, he has an Oscar nomination, plus many other nominations and awards. He has extensive study in English and creative writing, has a master's degree from Columbia, and is working on a doctorate in English at Yale. Currently, James is flying to California each week, to teach at both UCLA and USC. He is brilliant, and constantly working to broaden his horizons. He's credited as the writer of some short stories that are part of the film.

In addition to the above, James is appearing in Broadway's Of Mice and Men, at the Longacre Theatre, 220 West 48th Street. It's a few steps away from the Best Western President, 234 West 48th St., where I'll be staying a month from now during DaveCon. I should go see him! (Hurley's Bar is between the hotel and the theater.)

••• Out of commercial, we see a liquid spill on Gene Szymanski's sparkly stage floor. Dave summons Pat Farmer for a clean-up. Things quickly go into the Twilight Zone.
(Pat): "Got it, Dave."

(Dave): "I don't know what that is. I'm sorry."

(Pat): "Got it."

(Dave): "Thanks for taking care of it. I appreciate it."

(Pat sees his face, reflected in the puddle. Paul plays some eerie music.): "Well hello there, Patrick. How have you been? It's been a tough year, hasn't it?"

(Dave): "Pat, is everything OK?"

(Pat): "He hasn't helped. Just ignore him. You're a good man, and someday you'll be the president... of something. A company. An organization. Maybe just a club with a few friends, but you'll be the president."

(Dave): "Uh, Pat, can you... We'll talk about these things later, if you could just take care of the puddle. Thank you."

(Pat, back at it): "Well, it's been nice talkin' to you, but I've gotta wipe you up now."

(Dave): "I'm sure he'll find another puddle."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "How can there possibly be a rock shortage?" ••• Idina Menzel plugs Broadway's If/Then. It's at the Richard Rogers Theatre, 226 West 46th Street. She seems very nice. ••• The cast the aforementioned If/Then perform a number, with a solo by Idina Mendel. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Michael J. Muller, audio technician, sat in for Felicia Collins on guitar again tonight.

5/09/14 [4028]: Dave has a fake hanky in his suit pocket for the sixth time this year. Dave keeps Kleenex on a little shelf under his desk, so he's good, anyway. ••• Mayor Rob Ford is reportedly in rehab, at a secret location. Here's a report.

(Rob Ford clips)

(voice-over): "If Rob Ford is not elected mayor of Toronto in October, in November he will campaign for mayor of Rehab. A vote for Rob Ford will be a vote for lower fines for late night cafeteria break-ins, and increased access to crack. And, unlike weaker candidates, Rob Ford will return to rehab over and over, until the job is done! Rob Ford: 'Addicted to public service.' "

••• Alright now, I don't want any whining, since we've been Monica Darby-free since March 26, but we're about to have another look at the research on the human brain's on/off switch. / video:
(George W. Bush, speechifying): "You'll be able to see a technology..."

(close-up clip): A finger pushes a toggle switch from ON to OFF.

(switched-off George continues): "...uh... a... a technology that will... umm... be able... enable you to... uhh... con... converse with somebody in a long distance, and it seems like the person's right there in the room."

(new scene): Rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech cheer the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. There's lots of hugging and whooping. Those geniuses know how to party. (YouTube)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "You know, it must be very difficult for parrots in the wild to learn to talk." / a plug for Kellogg's Raisin Bran® •••
Several of the young cast members of Matilda the Musical (at the Sam S. Shubert Theatre, 225 West 44th St.) have acquired cases of head lice. / Top Ten Broadway Show Misfortunes / #8: Stagehand made eye contact with Liza Minelli. ••• Between #7 and #6 of the TTL, Dave calls for costume designer Sue Hum. There she is! Dave goes over to her and whispers something, as Paul favors us with a musical interlude. The TTL continues. / After #5, Sue appears with one of Dave's jackets or suits, on a hanger. Dave sends Sue to a woman from Floral Park at the back of the audience to give it to her. / #2: You're lookin' at one right now.
•••
Nathan Fillion plugs ABC's Castle. All you need to know about Nathan is his hair is real, but it's hooked up to what he calls a "floating scalp." He can move his hair around like you'd expect from an ill-fitting toupee. Nathan claims the floating scalp runs in his family. This is quite the topic on the Internet. Here's a web page with several animated GIFs of Nathan's hair in motion.
••• From here on out, we'll see seven or eight taped Mother's Day greetings from soldiers stationed in faraway lands. ••• more Nathan Fillion ••• "Mother's Day Cards"
  • "Mom, I love you more and more, each month you pay my rent."

  • "Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Please return this card to your local library."

  • "Mom, you show such courage in the face of being named 'Phyllis.' "

    Dave fumbles something awful with the next card. "Not as easy as it looks, is it?"

  • "Happy Moth's Day!"

•••

Will Lee sings a little of "Blood, Sweat & Tears' "Spinning Wheel," as we would have heard from David Clayton-Thomas. This song came out when I was a freshman in college. We heard it all the time in 1969, and it's one of the first songs I put on iTunes. The album won a Grammy for Album of the Year. Will did awesome, as always.
••• more soldiers' greetings ••• Tom Dreesen drops by. He's in the area for something at Ellis Island. I thought he was going to get through the panel without mentioning Frank Sinatra. Silly me. ••• Hunter Hayes sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Michael J. Muller, audio technician, sat in for Felicia Collins on guitar again tonight.

5/12/14 [4029]: Back in November, Dave went back to wearing sport coats sometimes instead of suits. Now Sue Hum has started putting a hanky in his pocket, and tonight (drumroll, Anton) it's a polka-dot hanky. ••• Speaking of high fashion, tonight's audience shout out is to two gents in plaid shirts. •••

monologue:

"Donald Sterling is the NBA's first openly-bigoted owner. Donald Sterling did an interview with Anderson Cooper... our friend, Anderson Cooper from CNN, and during the interview he explained to him that he's been meeting with his legal team, and he has finally decided that he is sorry. Took him about two weeks."

"The interview with Anderson Cooper was conducted at Sterling... Donald Sterling's sprawling ranch, The Triple K."

(me): Are you old enough to remember when Spin and Marty spent their summers on the Triple R ranch? (1955 - 1957)

••• It's prom season across the land, and there can be some pitfalls. Let's consider proper prom behavior, shall we? (Who better to provide this guidance than the National Council of Churches?) / video:
(clip): prom scenes... arriving, dancing

(voice-over): "Want to attend prom, but hate to dance? Introducing the Prom Dance Avoidance Unassembled Reclaimed Barn Wood Kitchen Dining Hutch."

(new scene): a young couple in tuxedo and prom dress (OK... the guy is writer Mike Leech, if you must know.)

(voice-over): "When your date asks you to dance, simply say..."

(Mike): "Uhhh... I'd love to, but, uh... this hutch..." (pointing at the floor) "... won't assemble itself."

(clip): Mike, now with his tuxedo jacket off, ponders the instructions, as the babe in a sparkly dress watches, spellbound.

(voice-over): "You'll avoid dancing, and your date will think you're pretty crafty, too."

(close-up of the babe, with cartoon quote balloon): "Get me out of here."

(voice-over): "Prom Dance Avoidance Unassembled Reclaimed Barn Wood Kitchen Dining Hutch. Assemble the night away."

Now watch Mike in Tattoo Tragedies with Tony Mendez. It's awesome.

••• Did you catch the president's weekly address to the public? Well, here it is. / video:
(Seal of the President of the United States and stately music): "Your Weekly Address"

(clip): President Barack Obama: "Hi, everybody. In my State of the Union address, I talked about pizza. Thanks, and have a great weekend!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Triangles... Eh. Too showy." / a plug for PetSmart® •••

desk chat:

Get comfy. This is going to take a while. Dave says, "I have to make an apology, and this is probably only important to me, but that's reason enough to apolog(ize). But I've gotta tell you something. I'm tired of... I'm sick and tired of my own behavior. I can't go anywhere! I don't know how to behave. I was raised properly in a good home, and my parents taught me the difference between right and wrong behavior. Well, I traveled, and that's my problem: I don't travel well. I should just stay at home, and not bother anybody."

Dave went to Indy for the inaugural Indianapolis Grand Prix. He wanted to root on his team. (The National Guard is a new sponsor of Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing.) An acquaintance of Dave's in a golf cart stopped by him and announced that the mayor of Indianapolis was with him. Dave said, "No, it's not." Dave thought the friend was joking, so he said, "Do me a favor. Get that guy out of here!" (It gets worse.) Mr. Friend said, "No, no, no. Knock it off. I'm tellin' you, this is the mayor of Indianapolis." Dave said, "Look, I'm tired of talkin' to deadbeats." (It gets worse.) Dave: "You and the 'mayor' take a hike!" Dave says, "In my mind, the mayor of Indianapolis is still Richard Lugar." (His honor left office on January 1, 1976, by the way.)

Then, to add insult to injury (or vice versa, in this case), the mayor was to drop the green flag for the race. There was a wreck. Everybody plowed into the pole sitter, and flying carbon fiber hit the mayor. (He's OK.)

(Paul): "Now, you see... you really can't travel."

(As I wrote the other day, no one tells stories better than Dave.)

•••
Harry Connick, Jr. plugs the finale of American Idol, and his new album, "Every Man Should Know." Not every guy gets to observe Mother's Day with supermodel Jill Goodacre and the girls. After school's out, they'll go on a vacation.

Harry commutes from the East Coast to Los Angeles for American Idol. He's brought with him the ultimate selfie of the universe. In the background of the selfie, taken on a jet, is Leonard Nimoy, TheRealNimoy. Harry exclaims, "I was technically in space with Mr. Spock!" (photo, and Helen Read's response) No matter what happens on that aircraft, Harry's traveling with the Chief Science Officer himself. He can fix anything that goes wrong. Mr. Spock: "Sensors indicate that Mr. Connick's open canister of petroleum on this aircraft is of low octane rating." Dave points out that even Klingons will be dealt with. (I'm not so sure about smell, and the ticks.)

Harry's a tremendous guest... interesting, funny and open. He tells about his thoughts and approach as a judge on American Idol. He didn't have an avenue like this when he was young. His teacher, Ellis Marsalis, was pretty blunt with him back then. Dave closes the proceedings by asking what an Australian who shall not be named, Keith Urban, is doing judging American Idol.

•••
Jesse Eisenberg plugs The Double. The local affiliate sneaked in an extra commercial or two, so I got a slow start on this visit. The story is a guy with a not-so-hot life encounters an exact double, who's his opposite - confident, charismatic and seductive with women. It seems to be a very difficult part to play... not to mention tracking who's who at the moment. Dave asked him if there were any screw-ups in playing the two parts. Ha! Jesse replied, "No... no. I'm like a professional actor." Dave once again gets to bring up the Johnny Depp thing about actors not watching their performances. Jesse has a response that is kind of mind-boggling. He was a very fun guest.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Walter Kim, creative director, digital media, with Olivia Munn on 8/27/13 (probably). ••• Act 5 is a shot of the audience moving from the Ed to 53rd St. for the concert, plus, "Stay tuned for Judge Judy's decision, after this." ••• The Black Keys play two songs on 53rd Street, just next to Hello Deli. ••• At 7:30 p.m. ET, The Black Keys play a Live on Letterman concert on 53rd St., instead of inside. ••• Felicia Collins is back!

5/13/14 [4030]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who cups his hands to shout louder. •••

monologue:

"Hey, you know who's getting married? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Getting married. I try to go to all of her weddings."

"I think what she can do is use the flowers from her last wedding. They should be fresh."

"The wedding is taking place at an undisclosed location, and beyond that, I know that Mexico has been chosen for the divorce."

"But you know, it was the earthquake that damaged the George Washington national monument, and they had to do some sandblasting... had the grafitti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some kind of sealant. It's what they're doing right now for Hillary Clinton."

••• Karl Rove has claimed that Hillary suffered brain damage. What? He doesn't have much room to talk. /
We see Karl hopping around like a ninny at the 2007 Radio and Television Correspondents' Dinner. He's next to David Gregory, who's maintaining at least some decorum. It takes him a while to get warmed up, but then watch out! (YouTube)
••• Did you see Donald Sterling on Anderson Cooper 360° last night? Dave: "I love it when a guy goes out to apologize, and digs the hole even deeper!" The title of this segment is "Highlights from the Donald Sterling – Anderson Cooper Interview." What we get is a "Late Show Unfair Edit." (That's what this used to be called, anyway.)
(title graphic and dramatic theme music)

(Mr. Sterling): "Uh / uh / I / I / I / I / I / I / I'm." / (clears throat) / sniffles and snorts about five times / "Ohhhh." / grunts and mumbles / "He... / He... / It doesn't matter."

(title graphic and dramatic theme music)

••• Dave: "They did that interview at Donald Sterling's home. Looks like a beautiful place. He's got a ranch outside of Los Angeles. Beautiful place. It's the Ponderacist." ••• [Missouri's openly-gay football star, Michael Sam, was drafted by the St. Louis Rams the other day.] CNN had some unusual coverage. / video:
(clip of Michael in an MU uniform, with a CNN headline)

(voice-over): "According to a new report, the first openly-gay NFL draft pick, Michael Sam, has turned the entire St. Louis Rams roster gay." (shot of the St. Louis arch) "Everyone in St. Louis is now also gay." (state map of Missouri) "Missouri? Gay." (U. S. map) "Everyone in America? Gay." (clip of a happy young man and woman) "Including you. You're gay." (photo of planet earth) "Everyone on earth? Gay." (photo of two astronauts on a space walk) "Astronauts? Still straight. Once the astronauts land? Gay."

(CNN graphic and "This is CNN.")

(Paul): "That was a conceptual bit."

(me): I'm writing this episode log on the International Space Station.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Here are Isaac Asimov's three laws of robotics: robot location, robot location, robot location." / a plug for iTunes.com/Hozier •••

desk chat:

Dave's tired of the Donald Sterling. He just keeps making it worse. Dave thinks Donald should go away. "People don't seem to realize that freedom of speech does not mean, 'Tell us every single thing you're thinking, right or wrong, smart or dumb. Let's hear every idiotic, unreasonable thing you happen to be thinking right now!' " There was an unusual moment on Anderson Cooper 360° that shows how out-of-touch he is.

(Sterling, to Anderson): "Did you ever like a girl... that you were jealous of her a little bit if she was with other guys?"

(Anderson): stunned silence, blinking

•••
Jim Parsons, winner of three Emmys, plugs the season finale of CBS's The Big Bang Theory. He also has a new film, The Normal Heart, on the HBO.

Oops. Dave asks Paul if he ever watches. (Paul): "Oh, yeah. I love the show!" Then he qualifies his answer a bit: "My wife is crazy about the show, as you know, and I watch it with her. It's about nerds bringing sexy back."

Jim's stats are the first topic (well, once he reprimands Paul). He's 6' 2" and about 170. He watches what he eats, and doesn't drink the firewater. Jim joined the gluten-free cause, but determined that it was worthless. He mentions the irony of people eating Twizzlers® and worrying about gluten. Dave claims he also weighs 170. (Remember the old days, when Dave was 6' 8", 280?)

Dave wants to know about Jim's early days on The Big Bang Theory, as in how he got the role. When Jim heard that Chuck Lorre was the creator, at first he confused him with Chuck Woolery, the original Wheel of Fortune host.

The Normal Heart takes a look at the beginnings of HIV/AIDS awareness in the early 80s. It's set in New York, where a group of gay men came together to take action. Now there are drugs that help to prevent being HIV positive developing into AIDS. The film will debut on HBO on May 25.

••• "New Shows" will be seen in the upcoming new TV season. /
  • Over My Dead Body: John Leguizamo is a streetwise NYPD coroner who investigates gangland hits by disguising himself as a mob corpse.

  • Rash Decision: Two teams of dermatologists compete to diagnose the skin conditions of celebrity panelists. Chuck Woolery hosts.

  • Mail Team 6: At trouble spots around the globe, the Post Office's most-elite operatives must get in, deliver the mail and get out. It's a Special Delivery of danger!

  • HippopotaPOTUS: A reluctant citizenry learns that great leadership comes in all shapes and sizes, when a quirk in the election process results in a hippo becoming president. (This one gets tossed through the window.)

  • John J.'s Garage: In the early 1800s, New York retired governor and former chief justice John J. works on his dozens of antique carriages, and takes them out for rides.

  • Hawaii Five-Five-Five: It's entourage-meets-madmen in this Hollywood drama. Daniel Levia, played by Jason Biggs, is the no-nonsense boss of a Beverly Hills production office, whose specialty is generating fake phone numbers for TV shows and films set in Hawaii. (Paul says this one is conceptual.) (I used to think it was fun that the Ghostbusters and Jim Rockford shared the same phone number: 555-2368.)

  • Cup o' Joe: Joseph Finkle is a down-on-his-luck barista who hatches a scheme to sell his clean urine to cheating professional athletes, from the back of his Brooklyn coffee shop.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for The Black Keys' Live on Letterman concert / "Think it over and get back to me." •••
Julie Chen stops by to plug The Talk, which is visiting New York for a bit. Julie has a fun story about an earlier appearance on the Late Show. At the point when she arrived at the desk for the handshake, Dave pulled Mrs. Les Moonves close to him, and whispered in her ear, "My security team has just told me that your husband is in the back of the theater watching. He just entered the building." Julie told Dave to keep whispering to her, to make Les real uncomfortable. It went on and on, and Julie totally flirted with Dave, to make matters worse. Both of them went on with the interview, without any comment on their plot. After the show... it was date night, and Les asked, "What was that all about?" Julie lets him in on the joke, and Les replied, "Wow. I may be the CEO of CBS, but I now realize... when I walk into the Ed Sullivan Theater, I'm in Dave's house." / We have a clip: The awkward visit lasted 15 seconds.

Julie's son, Charlie Moonves, is 4½. She has a fun story from school, when Charlie reported learning that the sun is a planet, and Les played along with him. His teacher had to settle that discussion. Then the brainy Charlie randomly identified a Van Gogh painting in a doctor's office.

The interview concludes with a re-enactment of awkwardness, this time with the overly-friendly goodbye lasting 24 seconds.

••• Hozier sings. (Or, if you use the MTV style that Martha Quinn used back in the day, Hozier sing. They'd speak of a group as plural. Martha would say, "Van Halen have released a new album.")

5/14/14 [4031]:

monologue:

Much to the pages' delight, Dave gets a loud and extended greeting from the audience. He has to call 'em off. Dave: "Thank you. Easy. OK. Thank you. Alright, stop it! That was about as convincing as a Donald Sterling apology."

Tonight's audience shout out: "By the way, if you're not happy with these jokes, wait five years. You'll get your money back."

Dave picks on cameraman Jack Young, who's found himself a perch on a low set wall, not far from Sid McGinnis, with his floor camera aimed at the audience. Dave has a big laugh about it, and Jack pretends he doesn't hear the boss.

••• Here's a segment without a set-up: "Good Journalism / Bad Journalism." / video:
(dramatic Freeplay intro music)

(graphic): "Good Journalism"

(anchor Shelly Ribando of KOAT-7, Albuquerque): "Police say grave robbers have hit the tomb of President James Garfield."

(black and white photo): James Garfield / FX: Late Show "yes" bell

(graphic): "Bad Journalism"

(anchor Kara Sewell of KWCH-12, Wichita): "Spoons were taken away from the grave of President Andrew Garfield..."

(photo): actor Andrew Garfield in his Spider-Man costume / FX: Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic): "Good Journalism / Bad Journalism"

••• This monologue item has quite the set-up. Dave claims to doubt the health benefits of red wine and dark chocolate, but pulling the cork out of the bottle has to help. Somebody had better tell these two to cut back. (photo): Hoda and Kathie Lee with big grins ••• Dave simply utters the name of Justin Bieber and the audience start giggling. Once sweet, he's turned into a thug. Accused of swiping a cellular phone from a young fan, he's presently at large, armed and Bieberous. (me): Or is that Bizzleous? ••• After some earthquake damage, the Washington Monument reopened on May 12. Watch this from the National Park Service:
(clip): sightseers near the monument

(female voice-over): "The Washington Monument is back, and better than ever!"

(FX): nearby sights, as seen through binoculars

(voice-over continues): "Climb to the top for a crystal-clear view of the Capitol building, the White House and the vice-presidential residence."

(binoculars trained on Number One Observatory Circle): Vice-President Biden's shampooing diligently.

(logo and voice-over): "The National Park Service: Servicing parks since 1916."

••• [Truth is stranger than fiction. The Internet's buzzing with reports that Jay-Z was attacked by the sister (Solange Knowles) of his wife, Beyoncé, in an elevator by the Standard Hotel's Boom Boom Room. It seems Jay-Z was more interested in a Rihanna bash than Mrs. Jay-Z.] / Here's a commercial from the Otis® Elevator Co. / video:
(animation): hand holding an iPhone

(voice-over): "Introducing the e-Service mobile app from Otis Elevator Company, the perfect way to manage your elevator on-the-go. With e-Service, you can contact an Otis representative, directly from your smart phone. If you have an issue with your service, need to schedule an appointment, or your sister-in-law's beating the crap out of you."

(cartoon animation of two people in an elevator): We see four kicks delivered from a lady to a man, along with Japanese action movie sound FX, each followed by an "oww."

(voice-over): "Download the app today. Only from Otis."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Words of Wisdom": "People who live in glass houses make it easier for the census bureau." / a plug for Nationwide® ••• Top Ten Things That Will Get You Beaten Up in an Elevator / #8: "Shaft" jokes / #1: Telling a fat guy, "Take the freight, will ya?" •••
Our good friend, Barbara Walters, will retire from television on May 16, and she's in for another visit with Dave. She's wrapping a 53-year career! We'll still see her when we need to see her. We see her tonight, for sure. She's wearing what I thought was a bright orange pantsuit, but red was mentioned. (I'm partly red-green colorblind, and have never passed a color vision test.) It's bright something, and she looks lovely. Dave says he enjoyed his appearance on The View this week, which was little known to his fans. ABC's going to do a two-hour special on Barbara's career and personal life.

Dave asks for Barbara's take on the Donald Sterling fiasco. She says he went back and forth on doing an interview with her. She's already interviewed girlfriend V. Stiviano, and the wife. It was suggested that Donald has the beginnings of dementia, and after talking to him privately, she thought he was at least confused. Dave says one thing that can come from this scandal is for the public to see an example of how stupid and antiquated Sterling's thoughts are. Donald says he was goaded into saying what he did. It's been suggested that Sterling's scandalous comments might be generational, and he didn't realize what he was saying. (That's a pretty generous point of view of someone who's bright enough to become a billionaire.) Dave's response is the guy must know someone younger than him who could set him straight. Barbara replies that the whole thing makes no sense, because the girlfriend is half black. Get this! Donald wanted Magic Johnson to sit beside him if he were going to be interviewed by Barbara.

Now it's time for her story about the Duke. Barbara was co-anchoring the ABC news with Harry Reasoner. She claims this was just after the Civil War. No... just jokes. It was in the 70s. Oh, we see... in the 1870s. Harry didn't want a partner, and he didn't want a female partner, for sure. It was truly difficult, and she didn't know what she was going to do. Out of nowhere, Barbara got a telegram from Mr. John Wayne. It said, "Don't let the bastards get you down." She felt the cavalry was coming!

Monica Lewinsky's the next topic, now that Hillary might run for a certain political office. Dave says he feels badly about all the jokes he told during that scandal. Was she an innocent victim? Maybe not. She attended the London School of Economics. Barbara says she's never had the chance to move on, and it's hard for her to get a job that suits her training. Paul announces that Monica has a place in the CBSO if she wants. Dave has a parting hand kiss for Barbara.

"Classic Clinton Joke" from 9/15/98: "President Clinton has hired spiritual advisers to meet and pray with him during his impeachment trial. Oh, great, that's all we need... more people kneeling in the Oval Office."

••• Writer Steve Young has a preview of tomorrow's highlights. / video:
We see Steve, with a clipboard, in one of the control rooms.

(Steve): "Thanks, Dave. For tomorrow's show, we're working on references to people in the news, with certain characteristics exaggerated for humorous effect, such as New Jersey governor Chris Christie's weight,..." (photo crashes to the floor) "...Toronto mayor Rob Ford's weight..." (photo crashes to the floor) "... and President Obama's weight." (Yup, he crashes, too.) We'll also have insightful commentary about George W. Bush being dumb, trenchant observations about Regis Philbin being cheap, and razor-sharp satire about Russian president Vladimir Putin." (gag photo of a shirtless Pooty on a package of Fig Putins®) "Plus wacky sound effects..." (baaa, boing) "...and a hilarious sight gag, comparing Donald Trump's hair to an animal." (animation of a blonde hairpiece popping off The Donald's head, and servicing the nearby Statue of Liberty) "Set your videocassette recorder now, because it's a Late Show you'll want to share with your family for generations to come. Dave?"

(me): We just learned from the home office that Joe Grossman wrote this segment.

••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Jimmy Philbin and Bill DeLace of Late Show security. Have a look at one of Bill's segments on the show. Bill's accidentally photobombed countless starlets' pictures on 53rd St. Here's Jimmy (in shades) recording an unaired segment in Dave Letterman Park on 6/19/12. •••
Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Late Show proudly participates in City Harvest's 'Skip Lunch Fight Hunger' campaign. Visit skiplunch.org to make a donation that will help feed hungry New York City children this summer."
•••
Elle Fanning, in her first visit to the Late Show, plugs Maleficent, a dark fantasy. We've known of Elle for years, as she played Dakota's character's younger selves in movies at least twice, when she was just a tyke, she's been in numerous movies and TV shows, and has done extensive modeling. Now sweet sixteen, she's been too busy to get a driver's license or learner's permit. In her high heels, she stands even with Dave, who's 6' 2". Elle says she grew 7" in one recent year. Not a tyke anymore.

As well as we know Dakota from her amazingly poised and mature talk show appearances, the world doesn't know Elle as well. She seemed to be nervous. I thought this might be her first talk show appearance, but it's her 10th.

Elle tells on herself for a series of misdemeanor adventures. She and friends have a traditional spring break trespass of the Pebble Beach Golf Course. All you have to do to get in is climb a cliff. She hopes for many future visits. Elle and a friend totally have the area cased out. This talk show confession will be easy pickin's for the prosecution some day! Aw, they're not hurting anything... just doing some sightseeing.

Elle's golf course indiscretions aside, Dave tells Elle he wishes she were his daughter (or granddaughter). He goes on to tell his charming guest, "I am so dumb. If I had known you were coming on the program, I would have not announced my retirement." She volunteers to come again. Look at Elle's sweet @LETTERMAN card. On the day Elle arrived on the planet, Late Show fans saw the beginning of Dave's blood feud with Jerry Foley, Mujibur and Sirajul on Springer and the Guy Not on Fire.

••• Randy Houser sings. For the second time this week, WIBW-TV in Topeka cut into a segment with extra commercials.

5/15/14 [4032]:

I was honored to be invited to be guest writer for today's Wahoo Gazette. (Select 05-15-14 with the pull-down list.) My comments here were written for the Gazette. ••• Wahoo Mike McIntee substituted for Alan Kalter in this episode. Todd Seda subbed for Tony Mendez on cue cards.
•••

monologue:

"This is the time, the springtime, that all of the networks announce their new TV line-ups. CBS has a wonderful new show. It's called 'CSI: SPU.' Special Parking Unit. It's gonna be unbelievable!"

"There's also a socially-important, socially-relevant show on CBS. It's about the first openly-gay detective. He has a heightened sense of fashion."

"You know, CBS had a show called 'Hostages?' Are you aware of that? It was canceled, so you can all go home! It's done. It's all over." •••

interruption: Harold Larkin shows up at Pat Farmer's interruption mark, bespectacled and attired in a cap and gown.

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Harold. Wow, it's Harold Larkin, ladies and gentlemen! Our head carpenter. Nice to see you, Harold. Wow! Graduation or somethin', right?"

(Harold): "Just wanted to let you know, I graduated today."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Harold): "I'm now a fully-certified and bonded carpenter."

(Dave): "Wow! That's... that's interesting, Harold, because for over 20 years, you have been our head carpenter."

(Harold): "I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me."

(Dave): "OK."

CBSO: Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" as Harold exits the stage with his diploma

••• back to the monologue:
"President Obama was here yesterday, ladies and gentlemen." (scattered applause) "There's your popularity poll, right there! He was touring New York sites in desperate need of repair. You know, he wants to spend money on the infrastructure of the United States, so he was goin' around New York City, showing people 'This needs fixing...' For example, Port Authority needs fixing, or the buses and the trains, and everything. Penn Station... same thing. That needs a little help over there. Also, in big, big structural trouble, the Knicks. He wants to fix them."

"He went up to... up the Hudson, to the Tappan Zee Bridge, which is beautiful. My favorite bridge across the Hudson, of course... I like the Tappan Zee, but my favorite would be the Chimpan Zee. And the Tappan Zee Bridge... the renovation on the Tappan Zee Bridge, is finishing up way ahead of schedule, like Obama's second term. It's amazing!"

••• "Didn't See That Coming" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

CBS-2 L.A. anchor: "Donald Sterling and his wife are divorcing."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• finally, from the monologue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, you know tomorrow, 'Godzilla.' Who's goin' to see 'Godzilla,' huh? You know the story. It's a giant lizard. I mean, you think giant lizard, no, no no. This is, like, triple what you're thinkin' of. It's an enormous lizard. Terrorizes the city. And I was thinkin', the last time the city was terrorized by a giant lizard... was that Anthony Weiner?"

Paul: "You don't work blue! What's gotten into you?!"

••• (You should probably grab a snack before you read the following.): "A Special Announcement from Donald Sterling" / video:
(headline photos, games and interview clips)

(voice-over): "Donald Sterling would like to apologize for the insensitive comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. Donald Sterling would also like to apologize for insensitive comments he made to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. On May 18th, look for Donald Sterling to appear on '60 Minutes,' and make insensitive comments, while apologizing to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. Then, May 20th, look for Donald Sterling to appear on 'Dr. Phil,' and make insensitive comments while apologizing for the comments he made to '60 Minutes,' while apologizing for the comments he made to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. May 21st, Donald Sterling will appear on 'Wheel of Fortune,' and make insensitive comments, while trying to win the final round, and apologize to Dr. Phil for making insensitive comments, while apologizing for the comments he made to '60 Minutes,' while apologizing for the comments he made to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games."

(photo): Donald reclining, with hands folded on his ample tummy

(voice-over): "Donald Sterling. Call me 'Uncle Don.' "

(me): Get that voice-over guy some oxygen!

••• Mike McIntee with Big Show Highlights and "Tech Tip": "To prevent eye strain while working at the computer, keep the monitor turned off." •••

desk chat:

Back from commercial, Dave reveals that there nearly was a medical emergency before the program: "I got my thumb caught in the camera!" (clip): It's a close-up of Dave's left thumb, stuck all the way in the lens cover of the Canon HDTV floor camera. Those looking closely will see the impressive dents on the thing, caused by our host over the years, as he swings the microphone around during the pre-show questions. We're being told that Dave (and the long-suffering camera) are OK. That was a close one.
••• [In Brooklyn this week, a rooftop hot tub cinema held its first event. You hop in (in your swimming suit, of course), and enjoy the film with friends. Looking for a case of MERS? Perfect! Depending on the lighting, it might be a good time to check each other for ticks.] / Top Ten Things Overheard in a Hot Tub
10. "Believe it or not, this water has never been changed."
9. "Hey, I have a rash just like that!"
8. "Whose dentures?"
7. "We ran out of chlorine so I used Drano."
6. "Am I married? Don't go there!" (an audience member shout out)
5. "Anyone else covered in leeches?"
4. "I drowned my neighbor in this thing."
3. "Oops, dropped a meatball."
2. "This is good for my MERS."
1. "Grandma, it's not clothing-optional."
•••
Adam's new film, "Blended," opens on May 23. Sure, he'll tell about the movie, but he's come with lots of material. This seems to be a night for medical stories. Adam reports that while watching Dave's awesome monologue in the dressing room, he laughed so hard, he shot three kidney stones. (And we used to think Don Rickles firing off a rocket was something!)

Dave informs Adam that it breaks his heart when he does other shows. Adam stands corrected. He's never doing Jay Leno again. He has an idea to make up for his indiscretion. He's shooting a movie in Hawaii next year, and he'd be honored if Dave would travel along and watch his kids. We hope Regis isn't listening, because Dave asks Adam, "Would it kill you if, like for a weekend, you and I did something?" Dave knows that Adam brings his buddies along to cool places, and has show business all figured out. Adam: "Since I'm high school, I've worshipped you, and I don't want to see it end, ever. What are we gonna do?" He says he's been on the "Late Show" 18 times. I've got him at more like 28 times.

Dave compliments Adam on his youthful appearance. He won't get an operation. Here's the secret: When it's time for a close-up, an assistant sneaks in from behind, and with both palms, pulls the face back, nice and tight. "Action!" (Stop by @Letterman to see a glamour photo.)

"Blended" is Adam's third movie with Drew Barrymore. He remembers Drew's desktop birthday flash for Dave on 4/12/95. When Adam had a similar surprise for Katie Couric, she urped nonstop for the better part of a week!

The film was shot in part in Africa, out in nature where cell phone coverage is iffy. Adam was on the phone with his wife, and reported that, "I saw a cheetah poo today." Back in the USA, what she heard was, "I cheated on you today." He has a whole set of these whoppers for Dave. Speaking of whoppers, Adam claims he drove to Africa. He took a hard left at the Equator, of course. Africa can change your life. He's a better man now. We see a clip of Adam playing air saxophone, not far from a herd of elephants. They seemed to appreciate the gesture, at least.

Drew Barrymore forgot her diary on the set. Adam, a true gentleman, has brought it back stateside to return to her ASAP. In the mean time, why not read some passages for all of North America to enjoy? "Dear Diary: First day in Africa. I woke refreshed, left the hotel and went for a run. The air here is amazing, and the light is stunning. I heard splashing and the grunting of a wild beast, and before I knew it, I was face-to-face with a water buffalo, bathing in a shallow pond. I put my glasses on to see this vision of beauty even better, and realized it was just Adam in the hotel pool, eating a chimichanga." The hits keep coming for the next couple of minutes.

Dave signs off the interview with his classic catch phrase, "You know him, you love him, you can't live without him... Adam Sandler." How long has it been since we've heard that one, Donz?

••• Here's a new segment: "Time to Retire?" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Dave at his desk, with a female guest who's holding a cat, singing): "Hello kitty!"

(lady): meows in tune with Dave's solo

(Dave, singing): "Hello, kitty!"

(lady): more meowing

(Dave, singing): "How are you today, little kitty?"

(lady): still meowing

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(me): They're the only thing on CBS right now. I don't know when or if this ever aired. We see the fake windows behind Dave's desk, which were taken out in June 2013. If your regular author, Wahoo Mike, were here instead of the substitute teacher, he'd know the answer from his Odd Dave file. I think Dr. Phil should probably have a look at this clip.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan with Wahoo Mike: "We've got what you want tomorrow, as Dave welcomes Lea Michele, Andy Kindler and Chromeo. Stay tuned for tips on keeping raccoons out of your safe deposit box!" •••
Thomas Haden Church has a new film, "Lucky Them," opening on May 30. This is his first visit with Dave since 9/19/95! Thomas is a very busy man, as he's not just an actor... he's a cattle rancher, in west central Texas. He grew up around ranching. It was appearing in "Tombstone" in 1993 that inspired him to get his own ranch. Dave asks how many head he has. Thomas explains, "It's a sort of an imprecise science. Every now and then, you see buzzards. You're like, OK, we've gotta tick one off the 'live' column." He guesses he has 200. How does a veteran rancher like Thomas herd those critters? "We drive around in pick-up trucks, and we honk the horn, Dave." Sometimes if he's feeling ornery, Thomas speeds up the truck to see if they can keep up (especially the babies). It's a good cardio workout for 'em, OK?

Dave wonders if Thomas has tried riding bulls. Yup. He went to a bull riding clinic! Dave: "In some states, this is not legal. It's assisted suicide." Thomas agrees that it's incredibly dangerous. At the clinic, first you ride tires on ropes. Then there's John Travolta's "Urban Cowboy" mechanical bulls. 3. Next up you have granny bulls, that are soon to become hamburger. (Just wondering: If we're talking bulls here, wouldn't they be grandpa bulls?) Wood shavings slow down the bulls, when you get to the real things. Just after encountering real bulls, Thomas had to go to New York. He'd gotten "pitched," as he called it. Before the flight was over, he was flat on his back on the airplane, then ended up in a body cast in NYC.

Now, to the movie. Years ago, Thomas got a call from Paul Newman, who sent him a script. Joanne Woodward is the executive producer. The tagline is "a rock journalist is assigned to track down her ex-boyfriend." Thanks to Thomas for a fun interview!

••• Nightmare and the Cat perform a number from their EP, "Simple." ••• Mike McIntee says good night. ••• I included the following in my "Wahoo Gazette" write-up:
Thanks!

I was honored to get the invitation to write tonight's "Wahoo Gazette." I never miss an issue. Mike McIntee, the man who puts the "Who?" in Wahoo, adds so much to the show with behind-the-scenes stories, fun reviews of the day's proceedings, and really funny jokes of his own. I'd also like to thank him for being the only known reader of my own daily episode logs!

2015 will be here way too soon. This is my chance to thank David Letterman and all of his staff for 32 years of tremendous late night television. I started watching in week one in 1982. The show will wrap one of these days, but for a couple of generations of fans, it will leave behind countless happy memories.

Dave has been there with us as we've gone through exciting moments, and sometimes tragic situations. He'll be remembered as one of the greatest story tellers ever, and as having the range to conduct a hilarious interview, or an in-depth discussion on important current events. My favorite part of the show is the desk chat in Act 2. Who will ever forget the tale of the bear visiting Dave's kitchen in Montana, his third-grade bacon story or hickory nuts on the anvil?

He's been patriotic, often bringing in heroic soldiers, reminding us of their sacrifices with soldiers' greetings to family members thousands of miles away, as well as venturing into dangerous areas to entertain soldiers on Christmas eve.

Thanks also to the staff and crew of the show, many who've been with Dave for 30 years (quite an indication of their loyalty and appreciation for him), who have gone out of their way to visit (and even plan activities for) my fan friends and I when we've made the pilgrimage to Broadway. That definitely includes Tony Mendez, Mike McIntee, Walter Kim, Jay Johnson, Steve Young, Will Lee, Al Chez, Sid McGinnis, Felicia Collins and Tom "Bones" Malone.

These comments wouldn't be complete without mention of Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra members, past and present, who are the coolest, most talented music professionals you'll find anywhere, and who need to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I don't even know how to express how much I'll miss the talents of our pals in the CBS Orchestra, and Paul in his sidekick role. He's a musical genius, but also does a great job of playing off Dave's stories and rants.

Get well soon, Alan Kalter!

David D Yoder
proud Late Show fan

5/16/14 [4033]: Tonight's substitutions: Wahoo Mike McIntee sits in for Alan Kalter, and Todd Seda is on cue cards for Tony Mendez. ••• Dave's once again sporting his new polka dot hanky. ••• Dave will be rocking the audience shout outs tonight, but what "Hello, Grandma. I'm Bob Barker." means will remain a mystery. ••• Today marks two long weeks since Dave has favored us with an impression. Tonight's theme is "What I'll Be Doing for the Weekend." / Action!

Dave turns 180° to prepare. There's a great deal of throat clearing. With both palms, Mr. Letterman carefully smooths his hair, for what may be his performance of a lifetime. He turns to face his eager audience, then begins, "Uhhh, one senior for Godzilla, please."

(Dave): "Godzilla destroys three cities, then he sits down and apologizes to Anderson Cooper."

I cut and pasted from May 2, typing Godzilla in place of Spider-Man. It's just that easy. Dave changed up his act. Two weeks ago, he simultaneously smoothed his hair with both palms. Tonight, it's right palm/left palm. Which do you like best? (not that anyone actually reads this nonsense)

••• Donald Sterling's "girlfriend" reports that he's an animal in bed. "Would Donald Sterling Be More Likeable As..." / video:
(title graphic and orchestral music)

(voice-over): "A baby goat."

(baby goat who speaks English): "I made a mistake. I hope it's in their heart to forgive me for that mistake."

(FX): YES stamp

(title graphic and orchestral music)

••• It's an audience shout out to a guy who hopes his Chicago buddies are recording him being made fun of for hoping they're recording him. ••• Dave hates it when something weird happens, then somebody tries to capitalize on misfortune. / video:
(photo): Bieber Alert logo, device and 1-800 number)

(voice-over): "Introducing Bieber Alert, the personal alarm system."

(clip): hot babe outdoors, searching for something in her bag

(voice-over): "You're alone. Justin Bieber stole your cell phone. That's when Bieber Alert can help. At the push of a button, you're connected to a trained specialist."

(trained specialist): "We're sending help, right now."

(lady): "Can you call my neighbor, Gladys, for me?"

(trained specialist): "Right away!"

(voice-over): "Bieber Alert. Don't wait until you need it."

(me): Are there still ladies named Gladys around? In my little hometown, we had one Gladys, two Gertrudes and two Myrtles.

••• Barbara Walters left The View today, ending her distinguised 53-year career in television. / video:
(graphic): The View logo

(clips of Barbara and co-hosts)

(voice-over): "The ladies are back! All your favorite co-hosts are returning for one last chat with Barbara, including Meredith Vieira, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Debbie Matenopoulos, Lisa Ling, Squeaky Fromme, Charo, Pat Nixon and Star Jones, together again on The View. Check your local listings."

(graphic): The View logo

••• Blowhard pundit Karl Rove has announced his diagnosis that Hillary Clinton has brain damage from a fall, and claims she was in a hospital for 30 days. Now Hillary has responded to Mr. Rove's professional opinion. / video:
(photo): Karl Rove

(voice-over): "Recently Karl Rove diagnosed Hillary Clinton with brain damage, based on her physical appearance. Hillary appreciates Karl's concern, and would now like to offer her diagnosis of Karl, based on his physical appearance: shortness of breath, high blood pressure, vein inflammation, sleep apnea, gallstones, obesity hypoventilation syndrome, fatty liver, fat fingers, fat face, fat ass, gout, colon bloat and jowl droop."

(Karl Rove portrait)

(voice-over): "Karl Rove. FATTY FAT FAT."

••• Mike McIntee with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "The four states of matter are gaseous, liquid, solid and extra crispy." / a plug for Depend® •••

"Charts and Graphs"

(Paul and the CBSO with the peppy theme song)

(The information comes from a Quinnipiac College Poll, as far as you know.)

Most notorious Justin Bieber allegations
    20% Driving under the influence
    22% Attempted robbery
    58% Attempted music

If you could make one change in your life, what would it be?
    53% Earn more money
    46% Have more leisure time
    1% Escape from Gary Busey's crawl space

Favorite Dick Van
    50% Dyke
    30% Patten
    20% The Ford E-150 Dick Van

What's your least favorite thing about Father's Day?

(Dave): "Let's just get through Mother's Day, and then get things set up and get it right for Father's Day."

    43% Pressure to find the right gift
    31% Difficulty expressing thoughts in a card
    26% Fathers going door to door to get candy

Godzilla's most formidable foes
    25% Mothra
    35% Battra
    40% Eczema

(Paul): "That's a lot of cream he's gotta put on when he gets eczema. You can understand why it's probably a formidable foe, when it comes to Godzilla."

What issue should President Obama tackle in his last two years in office?
    40% Immigration
    40% Equal pay
    40% American's declining math skills

(It should have been Americans' declining math skills.)

Complaints of Pat Sajak ex-girlfriends
    60% He couldn't commit
    30% He was always at work
    10% He gave me an "S", a "T", and a "D."

•••
Lea Michele plugs her new book, Brunette Ambition, available on May 20. She appeared in 2009 and 2012 in support of Glee. Season six, coming up, will be the last season. Dave tries to get the scoop on everything that will happen, but Lea won't tell. Mr. Show Business, Paul Shaffer, immediately guesses that next season she'll sing while standing on her head, and she confesses. Dave also turned out a book this year, and surprises us by announcing his next opus, No Ambition. We're not sure of the release date, but we get a sneak peek at the cover art.
•••
It's high times in and around the Rocky Mountains, and the reefer industry's booming. Clover Leaf University, established in 2013, has four programs to help the enterprising student be a more successful drug dealer, or "cannabis business certification," as they call it. Have you been looking for a new direction... a new challenge, in your life? Have a look at the course catalog. / Top Ten Courses Offered at the Marijuana-Themed University / #9: A History of Snacks / #6: Dude 101 / #1: Seth Rogenomics
••• It's the latest "Backstage Photo Club" card, with Tim Kennedy, technical director, and Tom "Bones" Malone. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, " 'Trendy Summer Fashions for Your CPR Mannequins' -- coming up after this." ••• Our old friend, Andy Kindler, does stand-up. ••• Do you enjoy the electro-funk? Chromeo is here with their latest number. ••• Mike McIntee says good night.

5/19/14 [4034]: Welcome back to Alan Kalter. Big Red had a wee spell on Thursday, but he's back in the saddle. ••• It's Monday, the start of the first week of Barbara Walters' retirement. She's staying active, if pulling the lever on a slot machine counts. (You thought this was going to be about a battery-operated personal device?) (This Late Show classic first aired on 6/03/13.) ••• [During the Billboard Music Awards last night, Michael Jackson appeared via a hologram, five years after he expired.] / "Good Hologram, Bad Hologram" / video:

(cool title graphic and a peppy string tune)

(graphic and voice-over): "Good hologram: Michael Jackson."

(graphic and voice-over): "Bad hologram: George W. Bush."

(clip): George and Laura dancing with Africans

(cool title graphic and a peppy string tune)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Good Hologram, Bad Hologram.' "

••• Pope Francis, who seems to be a swell guy, says he would baptize space aliens. / video from a mass:
Pope Francis raises an FX hand to give the Vulcan greeting and says, "Live long and prosper," (or LLAP, as my hero @TheRealNimoy writes on Twitter every day).

(FX): Cardinals, all fitted with Spock ears, display the Vulcan greeting.

••• interruption: What is that commotion? A duck call? It's stagehand Gene Szymanski approaching Dave, hands cupped by his mouth for amplification.
(Gene): "Come on, Dave. Fire alarm. We should get out of here."

(Dave rolls his eyes. We're not sure he's buying it.)

(Gene steps up the tempo and volume of his quacking.)

(Dave): "Gene? Gene? Gene? I think we're OK here."

(Gene): "Fine. But just to be safe, I'm goin' home." (He honks his way offstage, then from backstage, for 20 seconds.)

(audience applauds)

(Dave hollers, "Alright!" and mutters, "He'll set off the sprinklers.")

(Paul): forgot to mention that this was a conceptual piece

••• There's an outbreak of salmonella in this country, and the reason we're getting salmonella: people are kissing their pet chickens. (me): Wouldn't it be more likely to result from kissing a pet salmon?" Why isn't it called chickenella? (just jokes... I passed microbiology.) / video from the Centers for Disease Control:
(clip): chickens goofing around in someone's yard

(voice-over): "In recent months, there have been dozens of cases in which people have contracted salmonella after kissing their pet chickens. That's why the Centers for Disease Control would like to remind you that before you kiss your pet chicken, you should cook it to an internal temperature of 165°."

(kitchen photo): Writer Mike Leech, as a homeowner, is shown loading a baking dish containing a chicken carcass into a preheated oven.

(Cue soft core porn music.)

(photo set): Mr. Leech is now seen giving his well-cooked former pet a nice, long smooch.

(logo and voice-over): "The CDC."

("Now open late on weekends" slogan buzzing like a faulty neon sign)

(Eww. Now there's tongue! Make it stop!!)

(Dave weighs in): "I'd kiss that chicken. Keep kissing that chicken!"

(Paul): "Hey, let's get that tape. I'd love to hear... see that!"

Don't play innocent. You know exactly what he means. Paul's calling for the clip from 9/16/09 of Ernie Anastos on Fox 5 WNYW telling the weatherman to "keep givling that chicken." (If you look to the keys to the left of the letters in givling, you'll see that Mr. Anastos is actually saying, "Keep servicing that chicken."

Dave stalls a little, in hopes that the control room can dig it up. He tells a couple of jokes. Jerry Foley has 'em scrambling downstairs. It takes right at a minute, but they find it and run it.

••• [Godzilla just had itself a $93,200,000 opening weekend.] / Here's a trailer:
(clip): Elizabeth Olsen's character is walking around, dazed.

(more clips and voice-over): "The most fearsome monster in film history returns to the big screen. Godzilla! Watch as the mighty creature engages in a titanic battle against earth's most dangerous being."

(animation): Jay-Z's fierce sister-in-law, Solange Knowles, kicks a whining Godzilla in the family jewels a bunch of times. (with sound FX)

(voice-over): "Godzilla!"

(Paul): "Keep kissing that chicken!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Pillows are expensive. There's gotta be a way to just make your head softer." / a plug for Energizer max® •••

desk chat and a brand new segment: "Passports through the Ages," wherein Dave shows close-ups of his last five passport photos

  1. It's a young, smiling Dave from 1979, around the age of 32. (or maybe Bert Convy)

  2. 1984: Dave, about 37, is wearing a pair of those 80s glasses the size of windshields, staring at the camera like a zombie.

  3. 11/07/94: Dave, 47, is seen enjoying a flavor-packed smoke in this photo.

  4. 9/07/04: Dave, 57, chomping on a big cigar, kinda looks like James Tolkan in Top Gun. This one went through the laundry.

  5. 5/13/14: Dave, 67, is wearing a tuxedo for this photo.
••• Top Ten Complaints About Godzilla / #9: Godzilla's refusal to eat anyone who isn't gluten-free ••• Jungle Jack Hanna is in for his 95th appearance with Dave, who thanks him for the trouble of traveling with his critters.
  • baby kangaroos in large cloth bags, like they were in mommy's pouch
    Jack shows jelly beans, which are the size of a newborn kangaroo. How many breasts does a kangaroo have? "About two," Jack thinks. Jack models his new, stylish safari outfit, by the way.

  • young penguins
    Dave and Jack feed a bunch of little fish to them. "What are they eatin' there?" Dave asks. "Those are fish," Jack replies. Penguins don't just come from Antarctica. These are from South Africa.

  • a young alpaca
    There's a long discussion of alpaca wool and sweaters. Dave wonders if it's good to get in the alpaca business. Jack: "Well, if you're in cold weather, yeah."

  • palm civet
    As the civet crawls around on Dave's shoulder, Jack tells about them having SARS. Ten years ago, there was an outbreak of SARS in China, traced to a waitress in a restaurant that served civets as a delicacy.

  • little bitty snow leopards
    They're four to five weeks old. They'll grow to 75 to 100 pounds. Jack thinks there are fewer than 300 remaining. They do great in captivity.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Here is your tracking number: XTL77285G009AP6." ••• more Jungle Jack

  • Amur leopards
    They come from Russia, Korea and Northeast China, and only 35 to 40 are left in the wild.

  • young camel
    Dave: "How old is this little guy?" Jack: "I don't know." If you get stuck in a desert, you should have a camel, because you can ride it, drink its milk and cook with its poop as the fuel. It turns out that camels aren't nearly as cute as snow leopards.
••• Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks play a very catchy number. Dave really liked them. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/20/14 [4035]: North America is celebrating Godzilla and its $93,200,000 opening weekend. / "Godzilla News Roundup" / video:

(title graphic and dramatic music)

It's a collection of overly-clever news anchors' Godzilla puns.

(Rob Finnerty, KBAK-TV): "Godzilla stomped over all the competition..."

(KSBY-6 FoxNews6 anchorman): "Godzilla stomps the competition!"

(FoxNews 6 anchor lady): "Stomped all over the competion."

(KTLA-TV5 anchorman): "Stomped over the competition."

(female anchor): "Stomped the competition."

(News 12 The Bronx anchor lady): "Stomped out all the competition."

(anchorman): "Swallowed the competion."

(anchorwoman): "Clobbered the competition."

(Fox 55 anchorman): "Crushing the competition..."

(CBS 3 anchorman): "Stomps the competition at the weekend box office."

(CBS 3 anchorman): "You could say it was a monster hit."

(CBS 3 anchorman): "Yeah."

••• Both political parties are trying to spin the idea of Hillary Clinton having brain damage (or not), with Karl Rove right in the mix. / video:
(female voice-over): "Hillary Clinton assures Americans that her brain is perfectly healthy. To alleviate any doubts, Weill Cornell Medical Center will temporarily remove her brain, to allow registered voters to view, poke and inspect the organ. Hillary Clinton: Clinsanity."

(featuring Paul's assistant, Dan Fetter, and others who shall not be named, because I don't know who they are)

•••

monologue:

(Dave): "Well, here you go. A guy in Tennessee was arrested for having sex with... Paul, you wanna help us out here?"

(Paul): "No, I have no idea. No idea!"

(Dave): "An ATM machine, in Tennessee."

(Paul): "Come on. Come on!"

(Dave): "Police think maybe alcohol was involved." (pause) "Having sex with a cash machine. Isn't that what Donald Sterling's girlfriend has been doing?"

(Paul): "Uh, Dave, if I... I never have done this, but Tom Malone mentioned about the guy having sex with the machine... the ATM. He came into some money."

(Jerry Foley moves a camera to Tom, who's smiling, but staring up at the ceiling, playing innocent.)

(Dave): "Really? Really? Oh, my God! Wow! Where the hell were you an hour ago?" (looking over at Bill Scheft) "Well, how come he's got that, and we don't? How come the trombone player's got that? Huh? That's pretty good, isn't it?"

••• "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:
(title graphic and Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Barack Obama): "Don't just get involved. Fight for your seat at the table. Better yet, fight for a seat at the head of the table."

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(FX): We know this is FX, because Rob's in rehab. He's wearing a suit, but also a mortarboard, dancing behind a lectern.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "So we're not supposed to eat aquarium gravel? I am sick and tired of the dictator mentality in this country!" a plug for Mercedes-Benz •••

"Kid Scientists" from Naperville, Illinois are here. I like this because I have a degree in secondary science education. I miss Lee Marek coming with them. (It turns out that he did. He just doesn't go on camera anymore.)

  • Jakob Meyers, 15, a freshman from Naperville North High School
    Oh, boy, this guy is a load. He's practiced up with every word... pages and pages of scripted material. He has a pop bottle filled with 30%-concentration hydrogen peroxide. (The bottle at my place is 3%.) At room temperature, H2O2 decomposes slowly. Eventually it produces H2O, O2 and lots of heat. Jakob's going to step things up for TV by adding manganese dioxide, MnO2 as a catalyst. Dave puts on a pair of ridiculous yellow safety glasses, gloves up and dumps a packet of MnO2 into the bottle, while everyone else in the studio runs for cover. In layman's terms, what results is a 15-foot-tall, huge-ass cloud of steam. Dave eventually has to cut off Jakob's scripted speech, because it'll soon be time for CBS This Morning.

  • Sami Xu, 16, a sophomore from Naperville Central High School
    She has a fluorescent tube. She begins a discourse about ionizing the gas in the tube, causing it to emit photons in the ultraviolet frequency range. (What she's telling us in scientist talk is the fluorescent tube is going to fluoresce, like Speaker of the House John Boehner.) Look out! Sami has a handheld version of a Tesla coil. It's a high-frequency generator. (Buy your own.) It's basically a step-up transformer that puts out 50,000 volts of AC. There's enough voltage to overcome human beings' high skin resistance. Sami holds the generator (after coaching Dave repeatedly to not let go of the business end). Dave holds hands with Emma, who holds the fluorescent tube, as Jacob holds the other end. The voltage goes through them and makes the tube glow. We're being told that Dave's OK. (He didn't dare let go, or a spark would have jumped from the generator to his hand as it moved away, and given him a nasty burn. (Think of twice the voltage that goes to a car spark plug to 'splode the gas.)

    Have you seen the YouTube video about the man who inspects high-voltage transmission lines via helicopter?

  • Emma Bednar, 11, a 6th-grader from Naperville's Kennedy Junior High School
    She has slapped together a T-shirt cannon. Calcium carbide, CaC2, + H2O will create acetylene gas, C2H2, to make the boom. (I think Dave studied up on this one, like he's been doing to annoy Jack Hanna of late.) She flips a switch to put some voltage on the PVC launcher tube. Boom! It works! Apparently the electricity sparked the flammable acetylene gas they just made.
•••
Sarah Silverman plugs A Million Ways to Die in the West, in which she plays a lady of ill repute. I like Sarah, but all I need to know is Amanda Seyfried's in the film. I'm there, dude. Sarah likes to play basketball outdoors with the boys, but she claims her skin can't handle the sun. Sarah loves trash talk, and sometimes plays with Mexican gang members. It's never a dull moment with Sarah Silverman in the house.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, real flags to look for when purchasing a used particle accelerator." ••• The Osmosis Skin Care Co. has drinkable sunscreen. / Top Ten Questions People Have About Drinkable Sunscreen ••• We Are Scientists sing. I'll not be attending a concert anytime soon. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/21/14 [4036]: monologue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. Welcome to New York City. What a great time of year to be in New York City. It's spring... almost summer. Here's a sure sign, by the way. New Yorkers look for this. If you're a tourist, you'll want to see it yourself. A sure sign it's summer in New York. Go over to St. Patrick's, and watch the mosquitoes breed in the holy water."
••• Do you like the words? Here's an announcement from Merriam-Webster. / video:
(photo): the familiar dictionary

(voice-over): "Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary has been revised to include 150 modern words, such as hashtag, steampunk, tweep, selfie and many more. Unfortunately, to make room for these new words, we had to discontinue some old favorites, including chair, beverage, rotate, chipmunk, tomorrow, apologize and bucket. We... express regret... for any inconvenience. Merriam-Webster: The Word Book People."

••• A man in Tennessee was arrested for having sex with an ATM. Surprisingly, this kind of indiscretion is more common than we would imagine. / video:
(photos and cheery music): bank scenes

(friendly voice-over): "Looking to have sex at the bank? At most banks these days, your only option is to have sex with the ATM, but at First Interstate Bank™, we're adding extra drive-through lanes with new, high-powered pneumatic tubes, combining the convenience you expect with the suction you crave! First Interstage™: Your first choice for deposits and withdrawals."

••• [A rare b&w video from 1937 shows Franklin D. Roosevelt struggling to walk with braces at an All-Star Game. He developed polio when he was 39.] / Here's a younger Rush Limbaugh doing an early radio call-in show. / video:
(old b&w newsreel footage, with film projector sounds and a low-quality soundtrack): A very tubby gentleman leans back in a swivel chair when on the phone. The chair breaks in half, and the poor bastard falls to the floor. We're pretending it's Mr. Excellence in Broadcasting himself. We're not being told he's OK.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Prior to the invention of the ball return, bowling balls were single-use." / a plug for iTunesRadio.com/DierksBentley. ••• desk chat: It's Fleet Week. Dave recognizes a large group of sailors in tonight's audience. Dave: "If you see a service man or woman on the street, by God, just walk up to 'em and thank them for dedicating part of their lives for this great service of defending, representing and protecting this great nation of ours." (audience shot) ••• [We've been speaking this week of the gentleman from Tennessee who was arrested for servicing an ATM.] / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Mind of the Guy Who Had Sex with an ATM / #2: the classic Late Show animation of Newt Gingrich humping a vending machine

(me): Did you get to see last night's monologue, when Tom "Bones" Malone came up with an all-time classic joke about the ATM guy? He said it on the CBSO's intercom, and Paul repeated it to North America. •••

Dave continues his practice of bringing on soldiers who heroically worked to save fellow soldiers in battle. Tonight's guest is former sergeant Kyle White, who enters to an extended standing ovation from the audience. He's the 7th living service member since Vietnam to receive the Medal of Honor, which President Obama awarded on May 13. He previously was awarded a Purple Heart. Dave allocates 21 minutes of tonight's show to his story.

Former Sgt. White was injured on November 9, 2007 in Afghanistan, in an ambush. The Seattle native later developed post-traumatic stress disorder, which he has overcome with exercise. In 2013, White received a Bachelor of Science degree in Business Administration from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, where he majored in finance. He's now an investment analyst with the Royal Bank of Canada.

 
IN MEMORIAM

CAPT. MATTHEW C. FERRARA OF TORRANCE, CA
SGT. PHILLIP A. BOCKS USMC OF TROY, MI
SGT. JEFFERY S. MERSMAN OF PARKER, KS
CPL. SEAN K.A. LANGEVIN OF WALNUT CREEK, CA
CPL. LESTER G. ROQUE OF TORRANCE, CA
SPC. JOSEPH M. LANCOUR OF SWARTZ CREEK, MI

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up next: Steps you can take to protect your pet from identity theft." ••• Actress Judy Greer plugs her book, I Don't Know What You Know Me From, which came out in April. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's Steve Hostomsky, editor, with R. J. Fried, writer. ••• Dierks Bentley sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/22/14: REPEAT FROM 4/22/14

5/23/14: REPEAT FROM 4/09/14

5/26/14: REPEAT FROM 5/02/14

5/27/14: REPEAT FROM 5/15/14

5/28/14: REPEAT FROM 5/08/14

5/29/14: REPEAT FROM 5/06/14

5/30/14: REPEAT FROM 5/05/14

Here's my episode log for June 2. It's exactly one month late, because I was in the Ed Sullivan Theater for this episode, and couldn't do it there. My DaveCon friends and I had an awesome time, as usual. The highlight for me was dinner after the show with Tony Mendez. He's been such a great friend to all of us over the years! Of course, it was a distinct privilege to see Donald Trump's hair in person. I also got to meet and pass on my compliments to Todd Seda, who's been turning out some awesome remote segments over this past few months. I ran into producer Brian Teta on Broadway the day after our taping, June 3, and had a quick visit with him. He said he'd be on the show that night.

My friend Cheryl Levenbrown got one of the preshow questions. She said she has to vacate her apartment in Brooklyn, and wondered if Dave had any advice on a new location. Her question resulted in an audience shout out at the beginning of the monologue (which he messed up, either intentionally or accidentally, referring to her as "Lou"), and during Donald Trump's interview, when he at least remembered she wasn't Lou.

It was most excellent to visit with Wahoo Mike McIntee, who gave me a prized souvenir: one of Dave's blue cards. I was honored when John Moran, the technical support man, introduced himself after the show, and said he liked my fan page.

Now let's get to the June 2 episode, shall we?

6/02/14 [4037]: DAVECON 2014

(Cheryl's audience shout out): "I'm sorry I was a little late gettin' out here. I was talkin' to a guy in Brooklyn named Lou, about an apartment. Doing what I can for the audience." (shot of my friends Cheryl Levenbrown, Shirlee DiBacco and Libby Tidwell in the audience)
••• monologue:
"Now, here's a story that I think is just about to go away, thank God: the Los Angeles Clippers, and their owner, Donald Sterling. And he said idiotic remarks, and the league said, 'That's not right.' And they're forcing him... he's got to sell his basketball team, and people said, 'Who's gonna buy it?' and 'Why would he do that?' So finally, he's selling the team for two billion dollars. The league forced him to sell the team. So he found a buyer. Two billion dollars. Boy, that'll teach him! And now Donald Sterling is backpedaling, and he's trying to prove to the world that he's not a racist. So, on Sunday he attended church at a black church in California. Yeah. He enjoyed himself so much that he bought it! There was some confusion when he arrived at the church. He couldn't find the skybox."
••• Here's a new segment for summer: "What?" No... that's the name of the segment.
(title graphic)

(clip from WABC-TV 7 Eyewitness News, New York)

(anchor Sade Baderinwa): "Are your curtains making you fat? A breakthrough study... at 11."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Gene Szymanski shows up at Dave's mark. (I wondered why he wasn't polishing the stage floor when the audience was loaded in.) Dave sends Gene back. He wants to do something again. Jerry Foley then runs Sade Baderinwa and the "What?" segment again. Apparently someone thought the audience couldn't hear the segment. (I don't remember any problem with it, because it only lasted four seconds.) ••• interruption: Gene's back. Well, this time it's not quite an interruption, because Dave calls him out.
(Dave): "OK, Gene. Come on out."

(Gene arrives.)

(Dave): "Hi, Gene. How are you? Look, ladies and gentlemen... our stagehand, Gene Szymanski. What took you so long?"

(Gene): "Sorry to bother you, Dave."

(Dave): "You're not bothering me, Gene. What can I do for you?"

(Gene, showing a jar of olives): "I... I couldn't get it. Would you?"

(Dave): "Couldn't get what?"

(Gene, embarrassed): "Couldn't get this open."

(Dave): "Oh, you couldn't get it open? Oh, boy. 'Cause sometimes, you know, I think they pressurize these, because you know what it is. They don't want people tampering with the food. So, if you go to a supermarket, you can't open it up and tamper with it. Yeah. Oh! This is on there, isn't it?"

(Gene): "Good. It's on good."

(Dave): "Wait a minute. Ow! I have a little tendonitis." (gets it) "There. There you go."

(Gene): "Wow! You're..."

(audience): big applause

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Gene): "Wow, you're really strong, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you. Thank you very much."

(Gene): "Thanks."

(Dave): "Thank you. You're welcome."

(Gene enjoys an olive.): "Mmm. You want an olive?"

(Dave): "Huh? Do I want an olive?"

(Gene): "Do you want an olive?"

(Dave): "I love olives, but not... not right now. Thanks."

(Gene, steamed): "Jerk!"

(Gene exits the stage.)

•••
(title graphic)

(clip from WABC-TV 7 Eyewitness News, New York)

(anchor Sade Baderinwa): "Are your curtains making you fat? A breakthrough study... at 11."

(title graphic)

••• After the latest "What?", Dave announces, "I kind of would like an olive." Gene scampers back to the stage with the jar, and Dave has his snack. ••• Dave saw a commercial for mustard. / video:
(cookout clips)

(voice-over): "It's cookout season again, and now French's mustard is available in Original, and Just the Watery Stuff That Comes Out First. Light! Tangy! Damp. In your grocer's fluid aisle."

(title graphic)

(me): As we learned on 4/09/14, what Dave really likes is Plochman's® mustard.

••• The National Spelling Bee is underway. Unfortunately, they're run out of words. / video: We see doctored video of an 11-year-old boy spelling the yummy sound, "mmmmmmmmmmm." (ding ding ding ding!) (He probably was counting the Ms with his fingers.) ••• There's big discussion over the exchange of five Guantanamo Taliban prisoners for one of our soldiers. The Taliban are thrilled. / video:
(an Arab guy, voiced-over by the guy who did bin Laden): "Welcome back, old friends, and perfect timing, because what an exciting summer we have ahead! We're thrilled to have you back in the lineup in time for Wednesday's big Taliban League softball game against Joe, Mike and the whole gang from Morning Joe. On July 15th, join us for our annual trip to the midsummer classic, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. And don't forget the Afghan concert series, Shwarmarooo, invades Jalalabad on August 5th. I will now sit here quietly."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "See a doctor if your lungs are itchy. Don't scratch!" / a plug for the Wyndham brands ••• Here's a photo of Alan's script and blue cards for this voice-over. •••

Cue card guy Todd Seda, as Intern Todd, comes out to set up his visit to big-time auto racing. Before this, he'd just been to a demolition derby. This time the show has sent him to Carburetion Day, on the Thursday before the Indy 500. / video:

(Todd, yelling over the high-powered engines): "Hi. This is Todd. I'm at Carburetion Day for the 2014 Indianapolis 500. Let's do this!"

(Indy 500 shots as we begin "Todd at Carb Day for the Indianapolis 500")

(with Graham Rahal and Bobby Rahal of Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing): "Today is Carburetion Day, and I'm gonna name a few carburetor parts, and I want you to tell me whether they're real or fake, alright?"

(Bobby): "Yeah."

(Todd): "Alright. Float valve."

(Graham): "Real." / "yes" bell

(Todd): "Idle screw."

(Bobby): "Real." / "yes" bell

(Todd) "Bulge tube" (or words to that effect)

(Ed Carpenter of Ed Carpenter Racing): "Fake." / "yes" bell

(Todd): "Lube wad."

(Graham): "No, Todd." / "yes" bell

(Todd): "Spank nut."

(Ed Carpenter): "Definitely fake." / "yes" bell

(Todd): "Hey, guys, does this look sexy?" / He blows his hair with an air hose.

(Todd, with Tony Kanaan of Target Chip Ganassi Racing): "Now, I'm sure you get this a lot, but everyone... they always say you look like Vin Diesel, which is a compliment. Which celebrity do you think I look like?"

(Tony): "Shaggy." / photo of the Scooby Doo character

(Todd, with Marco Andretti of Andretti Autosport): "I don't want you to get bored out there on the track, so I actually got you something. It's an audio book. It's Timothy Geithner's Stress Test."

(Marco, thrilled, we guess): "OK."

(We hear Geithner's voice as we see Marco racing): "We had slipped into a viscious cycle, as the financial earthquake began to ripple through the broader economy."

(Todd, with Jim Nabors, who needs no introduction): "Alright, Jim. One of your all-time great catch phrases is 'golly.' The other one's kazaam."

(Jim): "Shazam!"

(Todd): "Oh, it's not kazaam?"

(Jim): "No, it's shazam."

(Todd): "Oh."

(Jim): "Shazam, and then..."

(Todd): "Shaq's Kazaam. I always get you guys mixed up."

(Jim): "Well, thank you."

Now it's action scenes: Todd as the target in a washers game, with a pit crew, supposedly being shot by a t-shirt cannon, getting hit in the nads by Larry the Cable Guy (while a washers target)

(Todd, with Sebastien Bourdais of KVSH Racing): "OK, so you're from France, and I wanted to know if you could teach me something in French."

(Sebastien): "Je suis un idiot."

(Todd): "I think you've got it figured out."

(Todd, with the Rahals): "Is there any traditions I need to do while I'm here?"

(Bobby): "You've got to kneel on the front straight... kiss the bricks."

(Todd kisses the bricks, then): "Now let's see if there's anything else I can kiss." (Yup... an engine, a polar bear, a Super Pretzel, an old guy's drumstick and Jim Nabors.)

Todd encounters Sammy Hagar. We see a clip of Sammy in his video for "I Can't Drive 55." Sammy's been stopped by a policeman who looks like Todd, and Sammy re-enacts the scene wiwth Todd.

We close with action scenes: pit crew duty, Tony Kanaan pouring milk on him, and crowd surfing, "Je suis un idiot."

•••
Donald Trump takes a break from cutthroat real estate mogul duty. We begin with Cheryl Levenbrown's shout out. (Dave): "Now, let's get right to it." (Donald): "OK." (Dave): "We have a woman from Brooklyn." (Donald): "Right. I like Brooklyn." (Dave): "Her apartment building is being sold. She needs a place to live. What are you gonna do there?" (Donald): "Just contact me. I'll see you in about 10 minutes!"

Donald and Dave visit about his latest projects. The golf course in Aberdeen, Scotland is built, although a local farmer had his objections at first. (Maybe Donald sent a couple of guys over for a talk.) Donald played there a week ago, and shot a 72. We see the course, and the area where the farmer's house allegedly burned down. Donald takes the joke OK (so far, anyway).

Dave wants Donald to take over Madison Square Garden. He owned the New Jersey Generals, back in the day. He knows Donald Sterling a little bit. What would the Clippers have been worth before the scandal? The team's supposedly selling for two billion dollars, but might have gone for $800,000 prior to that.

The Apprentice has been on 10 years, and is in its 14th season.

••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's David Kay, executive in charge of audience development. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Inactive ingredients: 96.5%." •••
Ryan Hunter-Reay, winner of the 2014 Indianapolis 500, is up next. He's the first American to win in eight years. His dad got him a go cart when he was about 10, and that started his career. He drove for Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing from 2007 to 2008, but then he ran off after winning Rookie of the Year.

The race was red-flagged near the end, and the pressure sank in. He had to keep his nerves in check, while his engine was stopped. Dave wants to talk about Ryan passing Helio Castroneves on the grass. No problem. He used to run the go cart on people's lawns. In the last lap, Ryan passed Helio in turn one, then led for three-fourths of the lap against Helio, who's won three times. Ultimately, it was the second-closest finish ever. Graham Rahal told Dave just after Ryan's win, "If I can't win it, I'm happy he won it. He's a great guy."

Tommy O'Brien and Little Pat, wearing white gloves, bring out the Borg-Warner Trophy.

•••
Elizabeth Cook sings "Pale Blue Eyes." She's an incredible beauty, who hosts Apron Strings on Sirius/XM. She was interviewed on the show on 8/22/11, and was a musical guest with Jason Isbell on 6/14/12. I normally can't handle country and western, but she gave an amazing performance. I was seated very near the CBSO. I can tell you that they were spellbound by this performance, and their reaction afterward was extremely enthusiastic.
••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: an action clip of Todd Seda's hair blowing in the compressed air

Here's my June 3 episode log. The day after DaveCon (June 2 this year), I couldn't get in for a second show for six months, but I like to hang around outside the theater. There's always something of interest going on, and staff to talk to. I got a late lunch in Hello Deli, had a nice visit with Rupert Jee and stocked up on some fabulous Late Show merchandise, which he's been selling for maybe three years.

Sometimes, as documented below, I see things that don't make sense to me until I've seen the episode later that day. For example, I ran into producer Brian Teta on Broadway and introduced myself. He mentioned that he'd be on the show tonight, but the previously-unseen segment was five years old!

Second example: Just after the show was taped, I saw the stagehand who once played Little Pat (Farmer) come out of a 53rd St. door, carrying a large wicker basket. What on earth? He unloaded the contents of the basket into a trash dumpster about 10 feet from where I was hanging out, waiting for Martin Short to exit. I looked in the dumpster, and saw the stagehand had dumped a pile of frozen peas. They were the leftovers from the triumphant return of Pea Boy! According to my logs, he was last seen in January of 1994, so I didn't make the connection. By the way, the wicker basket went back in the theater, so no prized souvenir for me.

At 53rd St. and Broadway, I picked up some trash, then took a few pictures of Dave Letterman Park, the site of a few segments in 2012. There isn't the variety of plant life compared to two years ago, but a nice fence has been installed. I Photoshopped in the sign.

6/03/14 [4038]: monologue:

"Lindsay Lohan is moving to London, ladies and gentlemen. They'd better step up security around the crown jewels. You know what I'm sayin'?"

"According to a new study, if you watch pornography, it will cause your brain to shrink. If you watch enough pornography, your brain will actually shrink. Now, there were other pieces of information in the article, but I have trouble with big words."

••• OK... we all know about spelling bees, but here's an event that's been around, but isn't well known: the National Sandwich Bee. / video:
(National Sandwich Bee graphic)

(voice-over): "Welcome back to the 34th annual National Sandwich Bee."

(off-camera judge): "Italian sub."

(producer Brian Teta, as a young contestant): "Italian sub. Uh... salami, prosciutto, provolone, tomatoes, peppers and, uh, pickles?"

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(off-camera judge): "I'm sorry. We were looking for onions."

(The contestant, heartbroken, exits the stage.)

(graphic and voice-over): "More of the National Sandwich Bee, after these messages."

(me): I mentioned above that I visited with Brian Teta for a minute earlier today. He said he would be on tonight's show, and here it is... taped five years ago, but never used 'til today.

••• The American Family Association wants people to not use a new postage stamp. Watch this. / video:
(AFA logo)

(voice-over): "The American Family Association urges its members to refuse any mail that arrives bearing the image of gay rights advocate Harvey Milk."

(photo of the stamp)

(voice-over): "In addition to that, we also ask our members not to accept any mail with stamps featuring a naked eagle."

(FX): red "no" circle superimposed over the scantily-clad bird

(AFA logo and voice-over): "The American Family Association. A strong family starts in the mailbox."

••• Brian Williams motored over to Moscow to interview Edward Snowden. The Late Show has miracled some video from NBC: (Please excuse the Late Show's voice-overs of what Edward actually said.

(Brian): "Are you... were you... trained as a spy?"

(Edward): "I've worked for the Central Intelligence Agency, undercover, overseas. I've worked for the National Security Agency, undercover, overseas. I volunteered as a Bingo caller at the Knights of Columbus hall. I'm a Sams Club Plus card holder. I've earned over 50,000 Delta Sky Miles, making me a Silver Medallion member, and I received a free entrée upon joining Applebee's E-Mail Club."

Brian just sits there and blinks.

(NBC Nightly News graphic and theme ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Sometimes I wish there were more kinds of pucks, but it would be hard to top 'urinal' and 'hockey.' " / a plug for Nexium 24-hour® ••• desk chat: Dave wishes good luck to the New York Rangers and their goalie, "Verne Lundquist." ••• Top Ten List montage •••

Here's the ultimate audience shout out. During the preshow Q & A, an audience lady obviously asked about Pea Boy, who hasn't been seen on the show in 20 years. No problem. Someone scared up the costume in a hurry, bought up some frozen peas, and away we go! We quickly see that Pea Boy hasn't lost his touch at all. Those vegetables are flying, with rocket speed and accuracy. The pea-loving audience lady was thrilled... not to mention everyone else.

To be exact, Pea Boy hasn't been seen on LSDL since 1/07/94, when Marvin Hamlisch composed and performed a theme song for the young grocer. According to my LNDL logs, Pea Boy premiered on 3/18/93, and was seen six more times on Late Night, with his last appearance two days before LNDL became extinct. So... according to my stuff, Marvin Hamlisch played on Pea Boy on both networks.

After Pea Boy completes his heroic mission and exits the theater, Dave asks, "Why... why did we stop doing that? It's a solid bit!"

The original Pea Boy is Dave Ellner. 1

••• Ginormous New York City mayor Bill de Blasio has legalized keeping ferrets after a 15-year-ban. (Meanwhile, rats run free.) / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting a Ferret / #10: "Is it pronounced 'ferret' or 'ferr-ay'?" / #2: "Do they come in white?" (Donald Sterling only) / The CBSO plays out of the segment with "Pop Goes the Weasel." ••• Pea Boy makes a second pass through the theater. •••
Martin Short drops by on his way to Victoria and Vancouver, British Columbia for his stage show, "An Evening with Martin Short." He begins the festivities by informing Mr. Letterman, "You look stupendous. You do not look a day over 30. The word jaundice barely comes to mind anymore." He goes on to tell Dave how much he enjoys his shirtless selfies on tumblr. "The Scientology is paying off," he believes.

Much to the amusement of the CBSO, Martin observes that, "Paul looks like his suit blew a bubble." He's on a roll tonight. Of Paul, Martin says, "My hair is parting. His hair is departing."

Martin claims that he was at the Kim Kardashian / Kanye West wedding recently. He says, "You know, I always say about Kim, 'Some people are born great. Other people have greatness thrust into them.' " Here's more. "You know, Kim wore white, because she can be ironic." "The gown. Uhhh... stunning! The top half was designed by Vera Wang, and the bottom by Big Apple Circus." "Kanye promised to stay there through sickness and health, and be there for whatever obstacle would come forward, and Kim promised to stick around 'til August."

Dave asks Martin if he might possibly have a song. Well, duh. The title is "Swimsuit Season." I actually saw the lyrics the day before Martin's appearance, on a lectern onstage. I didn't swipe 'em or put 'em on social media, but I (and several of my friends) photographed 'em. Here we go (to the tune of "Happy Holidays"):

First, Marty sets up his number with spoken words.

"You know, ladies and gentlemen, in my business... or in our business, the arrival of summer means so, so many things: the annual barbecue for my gated community, fistfights with paparazzi on the beach, and all the extra space in the house when the furs go into storage. But it's also a season for swimsuits, clothing that can focus attention on you in ways that... maybe you didn't want the focus to be intended to you, you know? So, on my way from the hotel tonight, as I was carried here by my security team, I dictated the lyrics to this little song, along with some staging and lighting notes, to remind myself and other men of my status. Just because you're famous, doesn't mean you shouldn't be a little self-conscious, too. Paul?"
  [Background vocalsSwimsuit season
Swimsuit season
 
[MARTY]Summer holidays![Background vocals]Summer holidays!
 
[MARTY]Soaking up some rays![Background vocals]Soaking up some rays!
 
[MARTY]Is In the swimwear you sun in
Not a stunning style for you?
 
[Background vocalsSummer holidays!
Summer holidays!
 
[MARTY]It's swimsuit season
[Background vocals]Swimsuit season!
This time of year, can be so cruel
When your physique
Isn't made for the pool
If you drool more than you make people drool
A baggy t-shirt will nicely do.
 
 
[Background vocals]A baggy t-shirt will nicely do
 
[ADDAS: shirtless David Hasselhoff, John Boehner, Barney Frank, Regis]
 
[MARTY]No one says 'Take it off' to Hasselhoff.
[Background vocals]Hoff!
John Boehner's tan should remain in the can.
Don't' need to see a tank-top on Barney Frank
Shirtless Regis [ALL SING] should be banned
 
[MARTY]It's swimsuit season
[Background vocals]Swimsuit season!
For beach or shore, let me be clear
Don't leave your door till you've looked in the mirror
And skip that Speedo for one more year
Swimsuit season isn't meant for you.
 
[Background video]Swimsuit season isn't meant for you!
 
[ADDA: Chris Christie in a thong]
 
[MARTY] Chris Christie in a thong
Is just plain wrong
Can't cut slack for Jack Nicholson's rack
How 'bout a shirt forthwith for Aerosmith?
 
[EVERYONE] Forget about Rob Ford's crack
 
[MARTY]It's swimsuit season
[Background vocals]Swimsuit season!
So, junk those trunks and trash those straps
Keep that torso well under wraps
Avoid a jiggling judgment lapse
Swimsuit season ain't right for...
 
[Background vocals]Shouldn't try to fight for
 
[EVERYONE]Swimwear ain't right for you!
 
[Background vocals]Summer holidays!
 
[MARTY]Summer holidays!
 
[Background vocals]Lounging on a chaise!
 
[MARTY]Lounging on a chaise!
 
[EVERYONE] Do the rest of us a favor
 
[EVERYONE] Keep your breast displays --
 
[MARTY]Off view![Background vocals]Swimsuit season!
Swimsuit season!
Swimsuit season!
 
At Marty's last note, lots of beach balls drop
 
[MARTY]Hey, everybody, look at my balls!
 

Here's video of Martin's entire appearance. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay tuned for a look at debris skimmed from celebrities' swimming pools." •••

John Oliver plugs the HBO's Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, a Sunday night offering. It's being advertised all over the place, which John feels we could do without. He's ready for the ad campaign to end. I enjoyed John's funny: "The best thing about being on every day is you don't have time to wallow in failure." He goes on to say, "What I've found is that with a week, you can really do some personal mental damage. You can really wallow in a bathtub of self-loathing. It's a jacuzzi of regret." Of his wife, John says, "I'm not a fan of myself, but if anything, she's even less so." The wife prefers Jim Gaffigan.
••• Spanish Gold sing a number from their new album, "South of Nowhere."

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

6/04/14 [4039]: monologue: New York City is in the process of legalizing ferret ownership. Dave: "I wonder if they'll legalize that thing on Donald Trump's head."

(FX): We get the animated version of Trump's hair in attack mode, hopping around on his noggin, with the rabid dog soundtrack. Stay tuned for more.

(me): The rabid dog version of Donald Trump's hair seems to date back to 2/12/10. The version of Donald's hair humping inanimate objects dates back to 4/02/10, when it serviced the Statue of Liberty.

••• President Obama has made his way to Poland for the G7. (It used to be the G8, but Russia got kicked out because Putin took his shirt off one too many times.) / live video via satellite: It's the POTUS himself, lifting dumbbells, with musical accompaniment by TV's Paul Shaffer. ••• interruption: Writer Joe Grossman moseys out to Dave's monologue mark.
(Dave): "Hey, Joe. How're ya doin'? Can I... Hi, Joe. It's Dave. We're right in the middle of the show, but can I help you? What's goin' on? What're you doin' out here?"

(Joe, in full zombie mode): "I'm here for the staff photo."

(Dave): "Well, I appreciate your interest in the photo, but, uh, we usually, typically will take that picture in August, and this is June, right now."

(Joe): "I know. I just wanted to get a good spot."

(Dave just lets the audience giggle for 14 seconds.)

(Joe): "You know, I'll come back in August."

(Dave): "OK. Thank you. Joe Grossman, ladies and gentlemen."

••• monologue:
(Dave): "I don't know. Here's what I'm talkin' about. The world's goin' crazy. We bring back a POW from Afghanistan, and we traded... to get him back, we traded five Taliban thugs, in return for the American POW. And now everybody has gone crazy. Is it a good thing to have done? Should we not have done it? Nobody knows anymore. People say it's the most controversial trade that's taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS."
••• live video from CBS: It's POTUS in that gym, with more exercises. ••• vintage video from 2/12/10: It's the rabid dog version of Trump's hair again. ••• live video from CBS, via satellite: It's POTUS, gazing at dumbbells in that gym. ••• Syria held elections yesterday. / video:
(clip): Syrians at a polling place

(voice-over from that guy who used to do Osama): "The Syria Election Commission offers these instructions to vote in today's presidential election. To vote for Bashar al-Assad, go to your local polling station and fill in the bubble under his picture. To vote for Maher Hajjar, walk into your kitchen and press any button. To vote for Hassan al-Nuri, stand anywhere and say 'hoop-dee-doo' or the first thing that pops into your head. 'A Message from the Syria Election Commission.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm going to be rich! I've invented a snug-fitting fabric bag that encases a pillow!" / a plug for Toyota® •••
Anderson Cooper, who had his 47th birthday yesterday, plugs Anderson Cooper 360°. What did he do to celebrate his birthday? He visited a McDonald's, ordered a #1 meal and supersized it!

Dave wants to talk about the POW / Taliban prisoner swap. Many who served with the American claim he deserted. Apparently we don't know for sure, even though there was a ceremony in the Rose Garden. The guy has a lot of 'splainin' to do, and may even be court martialed. Should the United States have negotiated for his release? It was kind of roundabout. It ended up being a five-for-one swap. The trouble is, the Taliban dudes who were cut loose could end up fighting against us again. The whole situation is already political, and will continue to be.

What about the continuing problem with gun-related violence? Dave wonders if it will continue until everyone in the country knows someone who was gunned down. Anderson says there are good people on both sides, and it's not cut and dried. Dave brings up shooting clay pigeons, and Anderson isn't sure he wants Dave near guns. Dave says he's not anti-gun, but wonders when we're going to do something about the violence. The young man who recently killed several people in Santa Barbara had no criminal record, but his family had been trying to get him help. In addition, some of his victims were killed with knives.

Dave calls for a song from Anderson, but we're out of luck tonight.

•••
King Juan Carlos Alfonso Víctor María de Borbón y Borbón-Dos Sicilias of Spain is stepping down. His son, Felipe, may succeed him, and guess what... he's in town. Felipe VI comes onstage, clapping dramatically, accompanied by a trumpet solo by Frank Greene. Whoops! What? Felipe pulls up his shirt. His abdomen undulates in time with the trumpet solo. Dave gives him the boot in a hurry.
••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's jockey Calvin Borel with writer Bill Scheft. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay tuned for our bonus round, in which point values are 3% higher." •••
Jockey Victor Espinosa, who rode California Chrome to victory in the Kentucky Derby, visits with Dave about the possibility of winning the Triple Crown as he rides California Chrome in the Belmont Stakes this Saturday. Victor has more than 3,100 wins. His career earnings come to a whopping $163,695,896.
••• bumper: It's California Chrome in the CBS guest seats in the balcony. ••• The Afghan Whigs sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/05/14 [4040]:

We begin tonight's festivities with Dave modeling his knee-length, light-gray socks. He has his pants legs pulled up like the founding fathers used to do. The pages always warn audience members not to ask Dave about his white socks, since they're gray, alright? An audience lady rebelled and asked Dave about his "oyster-colored" socks. Her punishment? Airtime on CBS.
••• Here are some good ones from tonight's monologue:
  • "Are you excited about California Chrome? I know nothin' about horse racing, but I'm excited about California Chrome. What an animal! What a champion! And he's... it's funny... you know, like ball players in different sports, in basketball and baseball and stuff, will grow a playoff beard. Look at California Chrome. I didn't even know a horse could do this." (Photoshop fun): Chrome has a graying Amish-style beard.

  • "Sunday is the Miss USA Pageant. Miss USA Pageant, ladies and gentlemen, and if you're like me, you love the talent portion. I'll give you an example. Miss Nevada: her talent is illegally grazing cattle on federal land. That's great! And then Miss New Jersey's talent is closing a bridge at rush hour. It's gonna be great."

  • "This always happens. I'm gonna give people the benefit of the doubt, and say that they're confused, but sometimes what you get from people - myself included - is stupid behavior. A guy calls 911. We all know 911 is for emergencies. The guy called 911 because he spilled his beer."

  • "Are you excited about the new Tom Cruise movie? It's called The Edge of Tomorrow, and there are three elements in this movie you can always see in a Tom Cruise film. And this is a successful formula... formula for success. Three elements you'll aways see in a Tom Cruise movie: explosions, aliens and a leading lady in flats."
••• "Politician Sleep-Off" (Round One) / video from a political speech:
(title graphic and hard-hitting theme song)

(graphic): ROUND 1: John Kerry vs. Newt Gingrich

(split screen): John and Newt have dozed off during speeches. John Kerry wakes up at :07. / Newt Gingrich is still asleep, and is our winner.

(FX): Late Show "yes" bells

(title graphic)

••• "Politician Sleep-Off" (Round Two) / video from a political speech:
(title graphic and hard-hitting theme song)

(graphic): ROUND 2: Newt Gingrich vs. Bill Clinton

(split screen): Newt and Bill have dozed off during speeches. Newt Gingrich wakes up at :11. / Bill Clinton is still asleep, and is our winner.

(FX): Late Show "yes" bells

(title graphic)

••• Jay Carney has resigned as Obama's press secretary, which brings us to "Jay Carney Last Week / This Week." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Last week, Jay Carney was White House press secretary."

(Carney clip): "We protect ourselves here in the United States against the most serious consequences of climate change and global warming."

(voice-over): "This week, Jay Carney is Waffle House press secretary."

(Carney at a Waffle House lectern): "I love it! It's an important interaction that takes place here."

(voice-over): "This has been 'Jay Carney: Last Week / This Week.' "

(title graphic)

••• Photoshop fun: It's another look at a bearded California Chrome. ••• "Politician Sleep-Off" (Round Three) / video from a political speech:
(title graphic and hard-hitting theme song)

(graphic): ROUND 3: Bill Clinton vs. Joe Biden

(split screen): Bill and Joe have dozed off during speeches. John Kerry wakes up at :13. / Joe Biden is still asleep, and is our winner.

(FX): Late Show "yes" bells

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder! You've got that thing tomorrow." / a plug for Wyndham Hotels •••
Out of nowhere: During Dave's set-up for the TTL, Paul hums Alexander Courage's Star Trek theme. Dave: "You've got nine musicians over there, and we get 'doo do doo do do doo.' " Paul: "Sometimes you get an inspiration. You go with an a cappella feeling."
••• Top Ten Quotes from Ineffective Locker Room Pep Talks / #6: an audience shout out ••• Hugh Jackman plugs the Tony Awards broadcast, which he'll host on Sunday, X-Men: Apocalypse and Pan, in which he'll play Blackbeard. ••• Dave says, "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for another new segment I don't recall approving. It's titled 'Not My Problem, with Alan Kalter.' "
(title graphic and theme song by the CBS Orchestra)

(Alan): "Thank you, thank you, thank you, duckface. Tonight's letter comes from a viewer named Josh Friedman in Chicago, Illinois. And Josh writes,

'Dear Alan, I'm writing to you in hopes that you can help with an issue that threatens to derail my marriage. Recently I've come to the conclusion that my wife and I have very little in common. We speak less and less each day, and sometimes I feel like I'm sharing my life with a complete stranger. I hope that you can help. Sincerely, Josh.'

(Alan): "Josh, if you're watching, here's my take on your situation: It's not my problem."

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "If you're having some trouble and think Alan could help, send your letter to:

Not My Problem
with Alan Kalter

c/o Kalterworld Productions
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019."

(Dave): "You're a sociopath, for God's sakes!"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, the amazing story of a carnival worker who has no tattoos!" ••• Joe List does stand-up. You can see him at The Comedy Cellar. ••• Elvis Costello sings. He'll be at Carnegie Hall on June 24-25. He was the musical guest for my first Late Show taping, on 5/08/96, in San Francisco. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/06/14: REPEAT FROM 4/24/14

6/09/14 [4041]: HAPPY 33rd BIRTHDAY TO NATALIE PORTMAN!
I don't know how this entry is going to turn out. I started having trouble with my video capture software early on. The TV's covered with weather crawls, with Northeast Kansas soaked with 2½ inches of rain since mid-afternoon.

While wrestling with video problems, I missed the set-up for Speaker o' the House John Boehner glowing orange. After Dave says his name, John corrects him a dozen times with "Boner." Paul had a big laugh at this Late Show classic, and Dave reminds us, "Don't throw anything away." ••• Oh, those poor, underprivileged young ladies whose life is focused on winning the ultimate beauty pageant! They are to be pitied. / "Poor Dear" / video:

(title graphic and orchestral music)

(clips from the Miss USA Pageant): It's the beginning number, I guess, where the 50+ lovelies introduce themselves. The show's coming from Baton Rouge, so there's a Mardi Gras theme.

"Brittany Guidry, 21, Houma, Louisiana," she says, as she moves a mask on a stick away from her eyes.

"Samantha Dahlborg, 20, Gorham, Maine," she hollers, as she moves a mask on a stick away from her eyes.

"Taylor Burton, 25, La Plata, Maryland," she shrieks, as she plum forgets to move the mask away from her eyes.

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

Thanks for playing "Poor Dear."

(title graphic and orchestral music)

••• We now enter uncharted territory. This is the first of three interruptions that come with no set-up. Dave seems to be puzzled, but he plays along, performing as directed.
The studio lights go dark. A countdown clock, set to 10 seconds, appears. Dave: "Is it Bette Midler?" A game show clip from the 70s appears. "Bette Midler!," the host exclaims. A contestant waves her arms around like a fool.
••• game show interruption #2:
The studio lights go dark. A countdown clock, set to 10 seconds, appears. Dave's getting the hang of this now. He smiles confidently. The audience cheerfully count down the seconds for him. Dave: "Uhh, bringing home the bacon bits!" We see Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune. The board reads "BRINGING HOME THE BACON BITS" in a "Before and After" puzzle.
•••
The studio lights go dark. There are 10 seconds on the clock. Audience members dramatically count down the seconds. Dave: "Alright. Alright, uhh, socks?" / It's Family Feud, and the top answer is socks!
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "My knee is throbbing. That means interest rates are about to rise." / a plug for Listerene ••• desk chat: Dave sends his best wishes to Tracy Morgan, who was recently hospitalized in critical condition after being in a terrible car wreck. ••• Top Ten Rat Regrets / #2: Should've spent more time infesting church. •••
Kelsey Grammer, Dr. Crane himself, is on to plug Transformers: Age of Extinction, which opens on June 27. Kids are the first topic tonight. Kelsey has collected six of them. He loves babies, and itemizes his offspring for Dave, who feels like a bit of an underachiever with his one and only.

We see a photo of a young female fan of Kelsey, who has quite a large tattoo of him on a forearm. Some have asked her why she has Bill Clinton tattooed on her arm. I personally don't see it. If anyone, the tattoo looks like Rev. Billy Graham. Anyway, Kelsey kindly autographed the tattoo. Yup. She went straight to a tattoo parlor and got his signature tattooed on her, with it as a guide!

Not a kid anymore, Kelsey reveals that as a youngun', he was a Fuller Brush man. What surprised me is the company's still out there, gettin' it done! I remember our local Fuller Brush man, and there was the Rawleigh man, too. He sold flavorings and extracts.

Anyway, we get the traditional bogus action movie clip (black and white, of course) that Shecky has dug up, and it's awesome. It looks like it's from the 30s. SPOILER: A brave citizen takes out a gun-toting robot by heaving some scrap metal.

••• desk chat: Dave loves it when things go sideways. His favorite part of the NBA season was when Lance Stephenson blew in Lebron James' ear. And how about the Jets' conditioning coach who stepped onto the field and tripped a running back? This brings us to California Chrome, who didn't win the Triple Crown, having lost the Belmont Stakes over the weekend. Owner Steve Coburn blamed the loss on other horses not racing in all three big ones, and were therefore better rested. Well, guess what. Mr. Coburn is here to apologize have a rant.
The cantankerous old coot (who is two years younger than me) takes the stage and begins, "I just wanted to take a moment to apologize for my outburst following the Belmont Stakes. I should have been more gracious in defeat, and taken a moment to enjoy the wonderful day, in spite of the outcome. But it's not fair. My horse is tired. If you're gonna put fresh horses in, why not throw in a gazelle?! How about strappin' a jockey to a damn cheetah, or a springbok? And poke the other horses in the eye, while you're at it! Not now, Carol1. Well, how about strappin' a jet pack to a monkey? Put roller skates on a kangaroo!"

(Dave): "Alright, that's..."

(Steve, exiting): "Strap a retro rocket to an alpaca!"

(Steve, now offstage): "Strap a propeller onto an iguana! Put a donkey in a Formula One race car! Duct tape a Roman candle to a turtle! What are we waitin' for? Let a jackrabbit ride a cruise missile! I've seen a dingo on a motorcycle. Put a few of them in there! Pissed-off antelopes... they'll go 100 miles an hour!"

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Nancy Agostini, co-executive producer. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Bread bowls? Call me when they invent the bread-canteen." •••
Late Show strike captain Bill Scheft plugs his fifth book, Shrink Thyself: A Novel, which will be released on June 24. Audience members always see Bill onstage during tapings, visiting with Dave during commercial breaks. Paul and the CBS Orchestra play Bill onstage with the theme from Shaft, by the way.

The book is about a guy who decides to leave therapy, and live an unexamined life. Bill and Dave both readily admit their history of therapy, and have very funny accounts of their own experiences. Bill claims he's been in therapy for four decades! Nice goin'! He reports, "There are millions of therapists out there, and seven good ones." Larry David once explained that the only thing a therapist wants to hear is, "I want to have sex with my aunt." Bill once called his therapist at home. Clearly the guy was making a sandwich while on the phone, but he denied it. After a while, Bill could hear the "nom nom nom" while on the phone with him.

Dave announces that Bill predicted the outcome of the Belmont Stakes, and he has a tweet to prove it. Get a copy of the book for other gambling tips.

See Bill's other books in my Books page, by the way. I just list 'em. I'm not getting a cut.

Here's a fun activity: Follow @billscheft and see if he's getting enough therapy. If he seems to be going off the deep end, tweet him some helpful advice, and send him a bill.

••• desk chat: Dave says, "Willie Nelson is so much more than a country music legend." ••• Willie Nelson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/10/14 [4042]: HAPPY 57th BIRTHDAY TO EXECUTIVE PRODUCER BARBARA GAINES!

Tonight's audience shout out is a little mysterious: "I am the mighty T-Rex," Dave proclaims. Apparently there was a sing-along with a guy from Pennsylvania. "The tickets are free to get in here, and the audience provides its own entertainment."
••• Sometimes unimaginably bad things happen in New York City. There are now phony Mr. Softee trucks. We see a picture of the real Mr. Softee, with his ice cream cone head. Next up is a police artist's sketch of a fake Mr. Softee. Can you tell the difference? The fake has sunken eyes, several days' growth of beard and a tattoo of a skull below his throat. He's having a flavor-packed smoke. You have the idea. Dave hints that his nickname while in college was Mr. Softy. ••• We've learned in the past few days that rats are capable of feeling regret. The Late Show visited with a rat today. You be the judge. / video:
(ABC News clip, first seen on 2/25/14): A rat hops up on a subway passenger.

(close-up of the rat, with sad background music)

(voice-over of the thoughts of the rat): "Oh, no! I've bothered another subway rider. Why do I do this? Perhaps I'm in search of that close male relationship that has eluded me for so many years... the kind I never had with my father, and was too busy to enjoy with my son." (sighs) "Oh, look! Pizza!" (scurries away toward the banquet)

(I believe the voice of the rat was by Jay Johnson, creative director, digital media.)

(me): How about that giant rat that knocks over the giant Christmas tree at 30 Rock every December? Does it feel any regret? I think not.

••• monologue:
"President Obama went for a walk... went to a Starbucks. So, I'm thinkin' if this guy can have coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving, right? I mean, if you're going to afford that kind of thing, there. And he... he was sittin' there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for the Taliban prisoners... just workin'. But he had a cup of his favorite coffee, the Kenyan Socialist. He loves that!"
••• It's the six-month anniversary of Obamacare. Let's send a camera crew down to St. Vincent's Hospital in Greenwich Village, to see how they're observing the occasion. / video:
(CBS News live video): Health care workers, all dressed in white, are dancing beside a nurses' station. One of the nurses is on the shoulders of a midget.
••• Diane Sawyer interviewed Hillary Clinton about her new book, and her days as Secretary of State. / ABC News video:
(Diane): "Why did you lose?"

(Hillary): "I think because I really didn't have a good strategy for my campaign."

(Diane): "But the Top Ten?"

(Hillary): "Top Ten? Top Ten."

(clip of Hillary in Dave's desk chair, delivering the Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Promises on 8/30/07): "We will finally have a president who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions--Am I right, ladies?"

(Diane): "That was the heart of the suffering?"

(Hillary): "It was."

(title graphic): " 'Hillary Clinton: Public & Private' | One on One with Diane Sawyer"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I always keep my oven preheated to 350°, because you never know." / a plug for Nationwide® •••

desk chat:

Todd Seda comes out to set up his latest remote, "Todd at Madison Square Garden for the Stanley Cup Final." He was last at the Garden a few years ago, for "Monday Night Raw." Todd saw the Los Angeles Kings vs. the New York Rangers (one of the original six teams.)

(Todd, on the ice): "Hi, this is Todd, and I'm at Madison Square Garden for game three of the Stanley Cup Final. Let's do this!"

(scenes from the game)

(Todd, outside Madison Square Garden, with Rangers fans): "Alright, guys. Let's get a chant goin'." "Let's go Rangers! Let's go Rangers!"

(Todd stops them.): "Alright! Now with mouth guards." (not so good now)

(Todd, with Rangers fans, teaching them a new chant): "Let's go, Blue Shirts. You... are... the... best. Slap a puck into the net and beat the Kings."

(Todd, with one Rangers fan): "Who are your favorite Canadians who aren't hockey players?"

(fan): "Howie Mandel. He's a good Canadian."

(Todd, with another fan): "Who's your favorite Ranger of all time?"

(fan): "Mike Richter, #35. Still wear it to this day."

(Todd): "Mine's Ranger Smith." (photo from Hanna Barbera)

(fan): "Who?"

(Todd): "Yogi was always givin' him a hard time, man."

(fan): "Ranger Smith?"

Todd spends Dave's money in the fan memorabilia shop. $280!

Two fans with hockey sticks square off with some kind of food item as the puck. The winner eats it!

Todd puts a sticker of his face on a Zamboni.

Todd and a Rangers fan both squeeze into a Henrik Lundqvist jersey.

After a tasty meal of chicken tenders, Todd gets a drink from a Zamboni.

Next it's a contest to put hockey pucks in mouths.

(title graphic): "Todd at Madison Square Garden for the Stanley Cup Final."

(video)

••• Dave waves a blue card, looking over at Nancy Agostini. "Did we do this? We're not doin' it? When are we doin' this? Tomorrow?" Nancy: "Yes. Tomorrow." (whatever it was)
Within a few minutes, Dave Khari Webber Chappelle sold out a series of shows at Radio City Music Hall, beginning June 18. They'll be a combination of comedy and music. Dave's here to talk about his shows, and catch us up on his happenings since his last Late Show visit on 1/15/04.

Dave opened for Aretha Franklin at Radio City when he was 19. It went fine, except no one could understand him for the first few minutes. It seems he skipped the preshow sound check. Early in the interview, I noticed that he's very thoughtful and philosophical about his work. His parents are both professors. Have a look at his Wikipedia page. He's had quite an interesting path through his career.

Dave didn't mention it, but he was booed off the stage in his first shot at stand-up. His point of view is if no one laughs at your jokes, you're probably not going to die. Dave Letterman replies, "Believe me, I have been on more bombing runs than the Enola Gay." Dave Chappelle says, "I'm of the belief that the best comedians bomb hard." Sometimes you take chances. Sometimes you do great. Dave Letterman says Seinfeld believes that when things aren't going well, you rely on the material. You don't worry. You go on, and sooner or later the material will prevail.

Chappelle's daughter has his comedian genes, which is cute now. When she's a teenager, who knows?

Dave left a show on Comedy Central on his own terms a few years ago... kind of like men used to walk out on relationships and disappear in the 50s, he says. He went and hid in South Africa for two weeks. What's perception, and what's reality? It's like when Wesley Snipes was in jail, and Chappelle saw him at a party. He really has a way with words, and a philosophical look at life. I enjoyed and appreciated the interview more the second time through, when I was preparing to write it up.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, a preview of tomorrow's guests and, "It's a show that will make you say, 'That's an hour of my life I'll never get back--and I don't want back!' " •••
Laura Prepon, in her first Late Show appearance, plugs Orange Is the New Black, in its second season on Netflix. (I work with university students, and I can tell you that Netflix is how a lot of them watch "television" these days, because they can see their favorite material on their own schedule.) Now I get orange in the title. The show's about prisoners!

She had an unusual childhood. Her mother, a gourmet chef, kept odd hours. There were no rules in the house, so she had nothing to rebel against. She went to Europe at 15 to be a model, in Milan, London and Paris. It turns out that her housing arrangements in London were at a brothel. One of the clues was being able to rent rooms there by the hour. Laura's first commercial work in Europe was for Uncle Ben's Rice. Ben is such a common name in Italy, of course. Whoever imagined that they eat rice there?

There's a rumor bouncing around that Laura has something going with Tom Cruise, but she denies it. She doesn't even know where that came from.

••• The Orwells sing. Dave says the last time they were on, 1/15/14, was a magic night. Well, they finished their segment about a minute early. Dave asked for an encore, and the band just stood around, seemingly dumbfounded. The CBSO started playing, apparently covering their song. Tonight's song was catchy. It kind of reminded me of The Beatles, but the lead singer does a routine where he pretends to space out. I don't care for that kind of gimmick. Dave calls for an encore again. The rest of the band kind of plays, but the lead singer just blows kisses. ••• Tonight's telecast ends with a photo, "Birthday Selfie," with Gaines, Nancy Agostini, Dave, Matt Roberts, Jude Brennan and Bill Scheft. Here's Barbara's birthday @LETTERMAN tweet.

6/11/14 [4043]:

You know the Mr. Softee, right? The ice cream brand has its name because it's improperly refrigerated. A counterfeit Mr. Softee is running around. / Photoshop fun: He has swirled ice cream cone hair. / Anyway, there are ways to avoid an impostor. We hear the familiar chimes of an ice cream truck. Beware of this sound: a trumpet solo of the theme from The Godfather.
••• "New York State: Your Tax Dollars at Work" / video:
(title graphic and music)

(Senator John A. DeFrancisco): "The official amphibian of the state should be the wood frog."

(Senator John J. Bonacic): "I want to tell you a little story about a frog that I've come to know better..."

(Senator John A. DeFrancisco): "The wood frog is already the unofficial amphibian of the state."

(Senator John J. Bonacic): "...and that is the cricket frog."

(Senator John A. DeFrancisco, looking at his cheat sheet): "Did you know that wood frogs actually recognize their brothers and sisters?"

(Senator John J. Bonacic): "Kermit the Frog was the one that I kind of liked."

(unknown): "The bill is passed."

(title graphic)

••• Tonight's Worldwide Pants Incorporated Employee Rebellion involves Mr. Tony Mendez, who for some decades has been Dave's loyal cue card technician.
Dave begins a joke about Barbara Walters, then notices that something isn't quite right.

(Dave): "Tony, I can't read the..." (sighs) "God... what is the matter with the guy?"

(Jerry Foley cuts to a mannequin, I guess you'd call it, of Tony, or would you call it a scarecrow? It's a close-up photo of a smiling Tony, stuffed on top of a jacket, with cue card arms.)

This isn't Dave's first rodeo. He's not fooled for a minute.

(Dave, shading his eyes with his hand): "Where is he? Tony? Turn on the... turn on the..."

There he is, at the back of the audience, about to escape to the inner lobby, and freedom from the sweatshop known as the Ed Sullivan Theater.

(Dave, hollering): "Tony! Tony! Hey! Hey! Hey, Tony! I can see you! Get back here!"

Tony strolls back toward the stage. He begins a rant, in Spanish.

(Dave): "Just... just come on!"

(CBSO): "Tony's Theme"

Tony kicks the scarecrow over.

(Tony): "Boy... I was so close to freedom, I could taste it!"

••• #41, George H. W. Bush, will have his 90th birthday tomorrow. He's doing well. Here's an announcement. / video:
(photo): a smiling George H. W. Bush

(voice-over): "Happy birthday to our 41st president, George H. W. Bush, who turns 90 years old on Thursday."

(photos)

(voice-over): "It's a full weekend of holidays for George, culminating on Sunday, which he calls 'I Wish I Wasn't a Father Day.' "

(George W. Bush): "Are my testicles black?"

(photo and peppy background music): a distraught-looking #41

(voice-over): "Happy birthday, George!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm still grappling with the realization that my tropical fish have seen me naked." / a plug for Aflac® ••• Miss USA 2014, Nia Sanchez, a stunning brunette beauty, presents the Top Ten Miss USA Pageant Mistakes. (She's from Nevada, and a 4th-degree black belt in taekwondo, so don't be monkeying around, OK?) Look how cute she is without makeup! She truly is impossible to knock. / #10: Pronouncing USA "OOSA." / #8: You're the only one onstage eating ribs. / Here's Nia's @LETTERMAN card tweet, and a Twitter photo with Dave onstage. •••
Christopher Walken plugs Jersey Boys, which opens next week. It's directed by Clint Eastwood! Dave wants to talk about Annie Hall, which he's seen a number of times, and Christopher was in it. Those old Woody Allen movies, including Manhattan and Hannah and Her Sisters were awesome. Barbara Hershey was out of this world.

Dave calls for a dance, but Christopher only dances sitting down now. He gives us a few seconds.

Have a look at Christopher's bio on IMDB. There's a bunch of interesting quotes.

My favorite memory of Mr. Walken is his scene in Pulp Fiction as Captain Koons, when he presents the ass watch to a soldier's son.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, a preview of tomorrow's guests and, "Speaking of which, I have a box of bandages and antibiotic ointment labeled 'music act.' " •••
Audra McDonald plugs her Broadway play, Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grill. It's at the Circle in the Square Theatre, 1633 Broadway, and is a story about Billie Holiday. She has an impressive career in theater, as evidenced by six Tony Awards. Her first Tony Award was for Carousel. Others in her collection are for Master Class, Ragtime, A Raisin in the Sun, Porgy and Bess and Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grill.
••• Janell Monáe sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/12/14 [4044]: Tonight marks the premiere of a new segment, "Spanish Television Is Better." / video:

(title graphic and Spanish music)

It's a hospital scene. A nurse, dressed in white, is on the shoulders of a midget, as a group of health care "professionals" dance around.

(title graphic and Spanish music)

••• interruption:
A pantsless man walks onstage, accompanied by two police officers.

(Dave, noticing): "What? Oh, geez! What? Hi."

(Mr. No Pants): "How're you doin'?"

(Dave): "This man is out here in his underpants, for God's sakes. What is going on?"

(Officer): "He was just robbed of his pants. We were just checkin' around."

(Mike McIntee, as another officer, to the man): "Are those your pants?"

(Mr. No Pants gets down low to inspect Dave's suit pants.)

(Dave): "Just... stop that! You can't... you can't. You're accusing me. You're accusing me... stop it!"

(Officer Mike): "Relax. Relax, pal. Nobody's accusing you of anything, alright? Just let him take a look. Go ahead."

(Mr. No Pants): "Those aren't my pants."

(Dave): "Those aren't your pants?"

(Mr. No Pants): "They aren't my pants."

(Dave): "Alright."

(Officer): "I'm sorry to bother you, sir."

(Dave): "That's alright. You're just doin' your job, I know."

(The gentlemen exit the stage.)

(Dave, probably doing an audience shout out): "I just know, if I were in Utah, I'd probably get a beating."

••• "Spanish Television Is Better." / video:
(title graphic and Spanish music)

We see two men in colorful print shirts. One speaks to the other in Spanish, a bit flamboyantly. He then begins to administer a beating to the other man. With each punch landed, we hear a punch sound effect. It's awesome.

(title graphic and Spanish music)

••• There's been quite a commotion this week over Diane Sawyer's interview with Hillary Clinton, including U.S. actions in Benghazi, Libya, and when she fell down and hurt her head. Does she have something wrong with her? / ABC News exclusive video, in a Late Show Unfair Edit:
(Diane): "How is your health?"

(Hillary, bug-eye): nods 'yes' very, very slowly

(Diane): "So no lingering effects?"

(Hillary giggles.)

(Diane stares at Hillary. Off-camera, we hear her say, "Monica Lewinsky is back in the news.")

(Hillary nods slowly, looking like she's out of it.)

(Diane): "I'll be back with a note, in a moment."

(title graphic): Hillary Clinton: Public & Private, One on One with Diane Sawyer

••• "Spanish Television Is Better." / video:
(title graphic and Spanish music)

(male actor speaks passionately in Spanish)

(female ? actor's breasts move with special effects gadget)

(title graphic and Spanish music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Money Saving Tip": "About to undergo surgery? Replace the anesthesiologist with a less expensive archaelogist." / a plug for Volkswagen Passat ••• Top Ten Eric Cantor Excuses •••
Regis Philbin, who's been on TV for 55 years, is back again. Dave gives him a highly-complimentary intro. "He's one of a kind... a broadcasting legend."

Regis claims to see a change in Dave since he announced his retirement on April 3. He says Dave's relaxed and carefree... the real Dave. Don Rickles is mentioned. Dave says he's the last of a great era of entertainers, and Regis agrees. Dave, amused, recalls that Rickles used to do impressions, and when they wouldn't work, he'd attack the audience. In 1960, Regis read that Rickles was coming to San Diego, so he wanted an interview with him. Regis found Mr. Warmth at a convention, at a table in a small room with 10 businessmen. One-by-one, Don went around the table and tore the guys up. Don granted an interview to Regis during the event. He asked Regis what his name was, then shouted and pointed at him, "You're never going to make it!"

Dave fusses about bombing at the Rickles tribute last month. Regis repeats that Dave now has a new swagger... a new personality. He tells Dave, "When you do leave, here's what I've been thinkin' about. Listen." Dave promptly throws to commercial.

We see a clip of Regis hitching a ride in van with the TMZ guys. Now, that's living on the edge. Dave says, "Three months later, they find your decomposing body in Staten Island."

Dave wants to know about Regis' time in the Navy. Regis secretly wanted to be a performer. He wanted to be Bing Crosby. Oops. Cut to commercial again.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, top vegans reveal what's in their refrigerators' meat & cheese drawers!" •••
It's more with Regis and his story about revealing his dream to his parents. Then Dave tells about his audition at a TV station. Regis has a story about Bing Crosby that goes on and on. Dave, wrapping up the tales of their beginning careers, says, "I just want to revisit now the importance of the lesson you learned from the Marine while you were in the Navy. It doesn't make any difference how it happens. It doesn't make any difference what you need to do. The most important thing in life is to first identify to yourself and to others what your goal is." Regis: "He's absolutely right." Dave: "And somehow, it will come to pass."
••• Dave apologizes to Paul Morrissey, who was going to do stand-up, but was bumped. ••• First Aid Kit sing. They're two sisters... a folk band, and natives of Sweden. They're real good. It's their second appearance. Their first was on 10/01/13. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/13/14: REPEAT FROM 6/05/14

6/16/14 [4045]: monologue:

"I don't like a sporting world series that actually involves the entire world!"
••• Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has trouble sticking with a decision, as we see in "Donald Sterling Timeline." / video:
Get comfy. This is going to take a while.

(title graphic)

(voice-over):

- "April 29, 2014: Donald Sterling is banned for life from NBA, and will be forced to sell the team.

- May 15th: Sterling plans to sue the NBA.

- May 23rd: Sterling changes his mind, and no longer plans to sue the NBA.

- May 28th: Sterling plans to sue the NBA, and says he will fight to the 'bloody end.'

- June 4th: Sterling says he is no longer suing the NBA.

- June 6th, 12:30 P.M.: Sterling decides to sell team, and orders a pastrami sandwich for lunch.

- 1 P.M.: Upon receiving pastami sandwich, Sterling decides he wants lobster bisque instead.

- 1:30 P.M.: Waitress explains Sterling will have to pay for both items. Sterling threatens lawsuit.

- 2:00 P.M.: After enjoying lunch, Sterling withdraws threat of lawsuit.

- June 9th: Regretful about dropping lawsuit over lunch, Sterling refuses to sell team, and plans to sue the NBA.

- Follow Don on Twitter."

••• House majority leader Eric Cantor lost in a primary election a few days ago. What happened? He joins us via split screen. He has a constant, pasted-on smile, but he seems kind of bashful. He speaks not a word... just blinks... for 1½ minutes.

(Dave): "Hello there, Mr. Cantor. Thank you very much for being on the show. What do you make of the fact that you were knocked off the ticket in the Democratic primary? Do you... What do you... What can you tell us about the man? I believe he's a college professor. His name is Brat. What can you tell us about the man who defeated you in the, uh...? I... Why do you have that ridiculous smile?"

(to Paul): "Can he not... can he hear me?"

(Paul): "I'm not sure."

(Dave): "He can."

(to Cantor): "What will you... You're gonna resign. You're no longer the House majority leader. What, uh... What are you gonna do?"

(to the band): "I get the feeling he can't... Can he hear us or not?"

(to Cantor): "Are you there at ABC? I can see the ABC logo as... Is anybody else from ABC with you? Eric?"

(to the band): "You know, I think we caught him at a bad time. We'll come back. Thank you. Thank you very much. There he was. Congressman Eric Cantor."

••• A Quinnipiac Poll studied whether America is ready for a fat president. / video:
(voting scene and peppy music)

(voice-over): "According to a new CBS News poll, 79% of Americans would support an overweight presidential candidate. The news prompted the Secret Service to consult with New Jersey governor Chris Christie on a state-of-the-art Forklift One."

(motorcade scene): A police squad car, running 10-38, leads a snappy-looking forklift transporting the tubby governor, who's seated on the fork. Christie says: "Our handling of the budget is but one example of change."

(voice-over): "To learn more, please visit your local Fatco."

(graphic): the familiar FATCO logo

(FATCO singers): "FATCO."

(Dave): "Just awful, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

••• David Sanborn on saxophone / Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Seems to me if you say the phrase 'silent K,' you shouldn't pronounce the K." / a plug for Hyundai •••

desk chat:

  1. Our old friend David Sanborn is sitting in on saxophone, as he did many times in the 80s and 90s, including the last Late Night on 6/25/93. Dave says of Sanborn, "There was a time in his life when he was the most sought-after saxophone session player." Dave names some of his work: "Young Americans," David Bowie. "Shotgun," Junior Walker. "Tuesday Heartbreak," Stevie Wonder. "How Sweet It Is," James Taylor. Paul announces that every song the CBSO plays tonight will be one of Sanborn's classic songs. Then Dave gets a little mean with Aaron Heick, telling him he can get a sandwich.

  2. Late Show writer and strike captain Bill Scheft was a guest on June 9, to plug his brand-new book, Shrink Thyself: A Novel. As Bill leans on the stairwell from the balcony, Dave shows the book, then announces that everyone in the audience gets a free copy.

••• TTL montage, then more on David Sanborn's career ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at Mitt Romney's Retreat / #6: an audience shout out to fans from Medicine Hat, Alberta / #2: "Chris Christie is causing traffic problems at the omelet bar." •••
Susan Sarandon and her cute doggie, Penny, plug Tammy. Penny is a Pomeranian and Maltese mix. Susan plays alcoholic Grandma Pearl in the movie. She'll go along on a road trip with Tammy, who ends up being her babysitter. In real life in August, Susan will become a grandmother. Instead of Grandma, she expects to be called Honey.
••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Jungle Jack Hanna with Cheryl Hurni-Barwicki, graphics art director. ••• Act 5: David Sanborn plays saxophone during the set-up for the musical act. •••
Whitney Cummings plugs Whitney Cummings: I Love You. It will premiere on June 28 on Comedy Central. She was recently on a stand-up comedy tour that ran from November to March. Whitney tells about looking for a boyfriend with Tinder, a cellular phone app. I've never heard of it. Good luck with that, Whitney.
••• Angel Olsen sings a number from her new album, Burn Your Fire for No Witness.

6/17/14 [4046]: It was a good one tonight. This episode is sure to be repeated. ••• The people at ESPN are being mean, and won't share any footage of World Cup Soccer. Dave teaches them a valuable lesson with "World Cup Highlight Simulation." / video:

(title graphic and hard rock theme song)

(action clip): A turtle sends a soccer ball flying across a floor, then crawls toward it to give it another blast.

(title graphic and hard rock theme song)

••• monologue:
Dave's joking around about Donald Trump's building in Chicago. It's the time of year when that thing on his head mates. Dave has a new gag, mimicking Donald's flowing hair (or whatever that is) with his hand on his head. Jerry Foley follows up, running the new animation of Donald's hair, complete with growling dingo sound FX.
••• Pope Francis, in his latest move to be closer to his people, has retired the popemobile in favor of something less pretentious. / clip: We see a throng outdoors awaiting the Popester, as he motors along in an electric scooter, struggling to negotiate a slight incline. The Late Show's fake-hat-FXd-onto-a-head gag is the finishing touch for the scene. ••• Dave sets up the next funny with an audience shout out to a couple from Milwaukee. Everybody deserves a second chance, right? Paula Deen has a new show, after the controversy in 2013 over her use of a racial epithet. / video:
(Paula): "Guess who's goin' digital, y'all."

(Paula Deen clips)

(female voice-over): "Paula Deen is launching an Internet-based cooking organization, the Paula Deen Network. Eager to return to doing what she loves, Deen has already taped the network's first episode, with a special guest."

(Donald Sterling joins Paula): "I'm not a racist. I love people. I always have."

(Paula Deen Network graphic and voice-over): "The Paula Deen Network. Grease a pan and let's go!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "When I don't know someone's name, I do what the Post Office does: address them as 'Postal Patron.' " / a plug for Target® •••

desk chat:

  1. Since Dave's retirement announcement on April 3, people have been reflecting on 30+ years of the show, and favorite segments. Last week, a lovely woman recalled the "idiotic and ridiculous" Pea Boy segment. Dave calls for the "Pea Boy" clip. "Pea Boy" would be flashed onscreen as a young gent, attired in all green, would run around the audience tossing frozen peas, to the delight of all involved. Dave says, "It was nothing we were proud of. The description is actually better than seeing it."

  2. Well, the same sort of thing happened again tonight. An audience lady inquired about Mahir (actor Omar Khoury), the Turkish man who played ping pong, attired in a Speedo, eventually rendered more modest with a large blue dot covering his junk. Dave claims he doesn't remember. "Guess what," she exclaimed, "He's sitting her next to me tonight!" We see a clip of him in his heyday, 1999 to 2000, in his near-naked glory, with his catch phrase, "I kiss you, David Letterman!" Dave calls for our old friend to stand and take a bow.

  3. Now we see the Pea Boy clip from 1/07/94, with him running through the audience, spreading good cheer and frozen peas, with Marvin Hamlisch at a grand piano, performing his "Pea Boy" theme song.

    I was hanging around the Late Show on June 3, the day after attending a taping, when I saw the stagehand who played Little Pat (Farmer) on 3/07/14 exiting the theater with a large wicker basket. He crossed 53rd St. and dumped something into a trash dumpster. I was nearby, and had a look. He had dumped excess frozen peas after the first lady asked about Pea Boy, and got a spontaneous re-enactment of the segment two weeks ago today. It wasn't until I saw the show later that night that I realized why on earth a stagehand was discarding peas. In my defense, the segment ran 20 years ago.

•••
Olivia Wilde plugs her new movie, Third Person. It has three interlocking love stories involving three couples in three cities: Rome, Paris, and New York. The CBSO played her on with The Troggs' "Wild Thing" (1966), by the way.

She and Jason Sudeikis had a kid, Otis Alexander, on April 20, and she has a story about the tyke's pooping session on Mother's Day.

Olivia is working on a pilot for a Martin Scorsese show on HBO, produced by Mick Jagger. For now, it's called Untitled HBO/Rock 'N' Roll Project. The great thing about this show, Olivia reports, is that people who lived through that era were doing so many drugs, they've forgotten all about it. "Remember when you woke up in the elevator?," Olivia asks. (Yes, I do, after an evening of liquid refreshments.) Olivia says of Martin Scorsese, "The most acting I've done on the show is pretending to understand all of Marty's references." He knows all about the business, going back decades, and often brings up something that doesn't register with her. "He has an encyclopedic knowledge of film," she says.

Oliva is naked in Third Person, which is great, now that she's had a baby. (That's Olivia speaking... not me.) She was naked in Italy, which is just fine, apparently. We see a clip of her disrobing with Liam Neeson.

She's a great guest, and a major reason this episode is sure to be repeated. Olivia concludes her segment with a plug for the next guest's movie!

•••
Supermensch: The Legend of Shep Gordon is Mike Myers' documentary about tonight's guest, Shep Gordon, who has managed and promoted an amazing array of entertainers. Wahoo Mike will have a great write-up about Shep's many adventures in show business. It was a fascinating interview. He went to Hollywood as a recovering hippie, to be a probation officer. He immediately encountered entertainers, and fell into his life's career by accident.

Shep confides that part of his success was his understanding that all good acts were good at irritating people. For example, if a musical act irritated parents, it was a surefire way to draw their kids to the act. One of Shep's promotional gimmicks was to have his client create a scandalous situation in public, then call the authorities! Another of his specialities is turning civilians into celebrity chefs.

Dave recites the list of some celebrities Shep's worked with, including Alice Cooper, Ben Vereen, Blondie, Daniel Boulud, Emeril Lagasse, Frankie Valli, George Clinton and Groucho Marx!

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, our metallurgists show off lightweight alloys for summer!" ••• more Shep Gordon ••• Empires sing a number from their new album, How Good Does It Feel. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/18/14 [4047]: Michael Z. McIntee announces. Oh, no! Has Alan Kalter, a national treasure, had another spell? Was he finally fired for calling Dave mean names (Duckface, Frogface, Lardass, Suckface, Gomer...)? Just jokes... we love Big Red. (not in a mushy way, of course) •••

monologue:

"Let me ask you a question. Are you watching the World Cup? No, you're not!" •••

"President Obama's sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry. We should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.' "

••• interruption: At 03:31 into tonight's telecast, the scrim rises. An electric airport courtesy car carrying elderly passengers, including TV's Alan Kalter, delivers Big Red to his perch.
(Dave): "Alan, you know, the show's already started."

(Alan): "Yeah, I know. Traffic was hell coming in from Newark."

(Dave, recalling the aged passengers on the car, asks Paul): "Was that Cher?"

(Paul): "No comment."

••• Remember Dick "Kaboom" Cheney? He joins Dave from Wilson, Wyoming via split screen. This funny is provided for those who weren't watching Eric Cantor two days ago.
(We see Mr. Cheney wearing a cowboy hat and vest.)

(Dave): "Good afternoon, Mr. Vice-President. Welcome to the program. Thank you much for spending a little time with us. It looks like you're out there, in the Old West, gettin' ready to have a good time, and maybe go for a ride on a horse, or... Dick? How's the fishing this time of year in Wyoming?" (raising his voice) "Mr. Vice-President? Excuse me, Mr. Cheney? Dick?"

(Dave, to Paul): "It's the time change... time difference in Wyoming."

(Paul): "Sure."

(Dave): "OK, I'll tell you... We'll check in a little later, Dick. You look great, though. Nice... nice outfit."

(audience): giggling

(Dave): "Alright, thanks, Dick."

•••

interruption:

(Paul): "Oh, the ducks. What am I going to do? The ducks. The ducks! Ohhhh."

(Dave): "What?"

(Paul): "What am I gonna do?"

(Dave): "What? Who're ya talkin' to? Paul?"

(Paul): "I can't believe..."

(Dave): "What... what... what... what?"

(Paul): "So stupid!"

(Dave): "No, no. What are you talkin'...?"

(Paul): "Ducks."

(Dave): "What ducks?"

(Paul): "Well, I think... I think my wife forgot to close the gate on the ducks!"

(Dave): "Is that code?"

(Paul): "No, I..."

(Dave, exasperated): "Your wife, at home..."

(Paul): "She forgot to close the... I think she may have forgotten..."

(Dave): "You have ducks at your place?"

(Paul): "We have a duck pen, and you know, you're supposed to close the gate when you leave! When you leave, you've gotta close the gate."

(Dave): "Now? You think about this now?"

(Paul): "Well, I'm just worried about it, because it could be... you know..."

(Dave): "Do you have a security camera? Do you have a security camera?"

(Paul): "Well, of course I do!"

(Dave): "Well, let's check the security camera... see if the ducks are in or out."

(Duck Cam®): We see about 450,000 ducks, packed in like sardines, stampeding through the Shaffer estate. There is a considerable amount of quacking.

(Paul, censored)

(Dave, giggling): "Aren't there laws up there, where you live, about how many ducks you can have?"

(Paul): "You get around things. If you go to the town meeting, if you show up yourself at the town meeting, you can pretty much get away with anything."

••• "Hillary Clinton: Promoting Reading" / video:
(title graphic and scary-looking photo of Hillary)

(Hillary on CNN with Christiane Amanpour): "As I write in my book. / In my book, and that's why I write about it. / I write about this. / In the book... / I, obviously, write about... / As I say in my book... / My book, Hard Choices... / Difficult, hard choices. / Hard choices. / To make hard choices. / To make those hard choices."

(Christiane): "Hard choice?"

(Hillary): "It is a hard choice?"

(Christiane): "Ultimate hard choice?"

(title graphic, peppy theme song and scary-looking photo of Hillary)

••• Dave asks to check Paul's security camera one more time. Yup... thousands of more ducks. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "In most cases, rattlesnakes just need new bushings." / a plug for Gevalia® ••• Dr. Mehmet Oz is receiving scrutiny from the United States Senate because he indirectly promotes miracle cures for weight loss, etc. / Top Ten Other Products Endorsed by Dr. Oz / #1: orthopedic shorts / Dave starts raising a commotion about #1. He says, "I think orthopedic shorts are not a bad idea. I think there are times in my life when I could use a pair of orthopedic shorts." He calls for a new #1. After much discussion, he gets "We're working on it." •••
Dana Carvey is in. He'll be at the Kennedy Center Concert Hall in D. C. on July 12. Dana delivered some very funny stuff. When people who haven't kept up with him ask about his latest work, he's tempted to deliver a whopper, such as his latest show on the Hammer Network. Before that, it was 17 seasons of Hey, You, on the Yours and My Network. Dana's dad is 90 now, and doing well. The old guy scoffs at new technology, for example, the computer. He's also leery of the printing press, the wheel and electricity. Dad calls him "Money."

Dave notices a little mustache. Dana: "My wife got tired of having sex with Howdy Doody." Dana does keep tinkering with the look. He says, "I looked like a fetus with shoes in high school." Whatever mustache he has wasn't visible here in Kansas on HDTV.

We get a nice Michael Caine impression, and a very impressive Johnny Carson. He nailed it.

••• Dave finally gets a suitable #1 for the TTL: self-locking duck gate. ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Elizabeth Olivari, production accountant. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "You win, New York Attorney General! I will no longer advertise the services I provide as 'dentistry.' " •••
Ellie Kemper, a beautiful and completely charming young actress, plugs They Came Together. I'd not known of her, so I looked at her bio on IMDB. When I saw she's a native of Kansas City, as I am, her name immediately registered. The Kempers are the one of the most prominent business families in Kansas City. Ellie has a degree from Princeton, so she's accomplished in her own right. Look at her sweet arrival picture on 53rd Street, and her @LETTERMAN photo.

Ellie is caught up in plans for her sister's wedding to Ben Dugan. Remember the name. Ellie is in charge of the bachelorette party this fall. Watch out! By the way, when Ellie planned a surprise for little sister 20 years ago, it was not well received, and her outraged reaction photo reminds Ellie of Dave's gag photo of the mad Satan dog who supposedly is Sully Letterman. (split screen photo)

She describes They Came Together as an Airplane version of a romantic comedy. It opens on June 27, and I want to see it. Other notables in the film are Paul Rudd (booked for tomorrow's Late Show), Amy Poehler and Bill Hader.

••• Sam Smith sings "Stay with Me." It's very nice music, and well-performed. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/19/14 [4048]: Tonight's audience shout out is a thank you for some kind of gift... or not. ••• Steven Spielberg's Jaws opened 39 years ago. Another blockbuster was Avatar, directed by James Cameron, who has two more about to be released. / "Avatar Sequels: Work in Progress":

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(graphic): Page 1 of a movie script: "AVATAR 2 by James Cameron   SCENE 1: JUNGLE   DAY

(animated graphic, with FX typewriter sound): BLUE GUY runs in.   BLUE GUY   "It's Avatar time!"

••• more audience shout out: "The good thing about forgetting who gave you a gift: you can also pretty much forget the thank you note." ••• Back by possible public demand, it's "Spanish Television Is Better." / video:
(title graphic and Spanish music)

(courtroom scene)

(goofy-looking guy in bright blue - the plaintiff - speaks passionately in Spanish)

(fast food worker in a red apron - the defendant - throws something at the plaintiff)

(male judge in woman's wig, wearing lipstick, pounds a gavel): "Silencio. Silencio."

(title graphic and Spanish music)

(me): Better than what?

••• "Spanish Television Is Better" / video:
(title graphic and Spanish music)

(sitcom scene): young man and woman

(couldn't understand what the man says to someone off-camera)

(man dressed as a baby laughs, then says something funny)

(title graphic and Spanish music)

••• "Spanish Television Is Better" / video:
(title graphic and Spanish music)

(golf course scene): man hits a drive / gets a hole-in-one

(game show scene): hole-in-one on the golf course becomes a hole-in-one on the game show

(announcer or host): something in Spanish

(male contestant does the Curly shuffle)

(title graphic and Spanish music)

•••

(classic segment from June 17, 2014):

Paula Deen has a new show, after the controversy in 2013 over her use of a racial epithet. / video:

(Paula): "Guess who's goin' digital, y'all."

(Paula Deen clips)

(female voice-over): "Paula Deen is launching an Internet-based cooking organization, the Paula Deen Network. Eager to return to doing what she loves, Deen has already taped the network's first episode, with a special guest."

(Donald Sterling joins Paula): "I'm not a racist. I love people. I always have."

(Paula Deen Network graphic and voice-over): "The Paula Deen Network. Grease a pan and let's go!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I know it's just an expression. But just imagine a whole valley made of silicon." / a plug for Netflix •••
Paul Rudd is back, this time in support of They Came Together, which opens on June 27. He went to KU, and I went to Kansas State, so we won't be hanging out anytime soon.

It's World Cup soccer time. Paul has played soccer. He complains that there's too much phony falling down in professional soccer. Apparently it's about as authentic as professional wrestling, but I suppose fewer contestants get hit with folding chairs.

When plugging They Came Together last night, Ellie Kemper mentioned planning a bachelorette party. Tonight Paul talks about attending a bachelor party / bachelor week in Donegal, Ireland (pop. 2,607). Paul proclaims Ireland as, "the best place on earth." He mentions getting into trouble wearing the wrong soccer jersey in Killybegs. Who hasn't had that happen at some time or other?

Paul sets out to describe They Came Together: "It's a satire, I suppose, on romantic comedies, but it... it's actually more of just a... uh... uh... boy, I'm doing even a worse job than you! It's a really weird, just stupid, silly movie, that's just jokes, that kind of mocks the tropes of romantic comedies, but then also tends to kind of mock the entire idea about just movies and jokes and stories... any of it." So there we have it. Regardless, Dave says it's delightful. I realized as the interview went on that Paul is a very good talk show guest. Dave did a fine job with the interview, and the two gents together made a very good segment.

•••
Our old friend Jeff Altman is back. I'm always happy to see him, even if he forgets to mention butt steaks. Jeff will be at the Laugh Factory in Las Vegas in late July. He begins with one of Dave's old catch phrases, "I feel likes my head want to bust open." (His flight in wasn't the best.)

Here's a tidbit for you: Jeff sleeps with a hair dryer (set on cool) for white noise. Then Dave reports using a white noise generator to help with tinnitus, but Jeff says he has to have something blowing on him. See, the thing is, you can't find a woman who's willing to stay up all night and make hair dryer noises.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Don't like the fact that tiny mites live in the roots of your eyelashes? Hey--the mites aren't thrilled about it either!" (Drop by my Video Archives and watch Alan's awesome feature on Demodex mites.) •••
It's more with Jeff Altman. Hey... want more trivia about Jeff? He was a roadie back in the day. Jeff's eyes roll back. He says, "Well, Dave, it was like 1967, and I was working with the Starland Vocal Band and the Strawberry Alarm Clock. And they fired me because I did 22 milligrams of psilocybin, and had my way with a goat."

Jeff learned magic from his father and others. He has a card prediction trick. Dave is to think of, then name, any card. "Seven of clubs," Dave says. Jeff then displays the seven of diamonds. Let's try again. Jeff has Dave sign a card. He then monkeys around a while, and eventually does produce the correct card.

••• John Doe sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/20/14: REPEAT FROM 6/10/14

6/23/14 [4049]: It's been a while. Dave models his dark sport coat, as the CBSO plays the fashion show music. •••

monologue:

Dave tells a bit of a drawn-out joke about the Spider-Man guys who we often see at Times Square. Not long ago, one of the superheroes was touching female tourists inappropriately. Dave's advice is to be sure it's the real Spider-Man. The CBSO surprise us with their brand new jingle, "It May Not Be the Real Spider-Man." It's a first cousin of the "Is This Anything?" theme song. Be the first on your block to add it to your iTunes library.

monologue:

"You know the big Kraft®? They make cheese-like products. Now, they're recalling 260 cases of... guess what... the very spine... the very backbone of Kraft® Industries. 260 cases of Velveeta® cheese. Problems with the ignition switch."

••• Kevin McCarthy is the new House Majority Leader. / "Let's Get to Know New House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy" / video:
(Kevin McCarthy clips and action-adventure music)

(voice-over): "House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy promises to unite the Tea Party and the Republican Party. Will he support comprehensive immigration reform? Yes. Will he oppose comprehensive immigration reform? Yes. Will he support military intervention in Iraq? Yes. Will he oppose military intervention in Iraq? Absolutely. Will he support compromise with Democrats? Yes. Will he oppose compromise with Democrats? You can count on it. Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy: A Kevin We Can Believe In."

•••

Hang onto your wigs and keys. It's writer Rob "R.J." Fried in his very first Late Show monologue interruption. It goes somewhat like this.

(Dave): "Oh, my gosh! Hi."

(Paul): "Now what?"

(Dave): "How're ya doin'? Can I... uh... you know we're right in the middle of the show. Can I... can I help you?"

(R.J.): "Uh, I'm R.J. I work upstairs."

(Dave): "Oh, R.J.! Upstairs. Yeah. And, is there a reason you've come out here tonight, R.J.?"

(R.J.): "I've seen people come out here during the show, and I wanted to try it."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

Audience members have a good laugh at R.J.'s expense, as he gazes around nervously.

(Dave): "Well... What do you think?"

(R.J.): "It's nice." (pause) "How do I get back upstairs?"

(Dave, pointing): "Oh... uh, I'd just go back the way you came down."

(R.J.): "OK. Thanks. I'll see you at the party."

(Dave): "Alright, R.J. Thanks. I'll see you at the party." (after he's offstage): "Seemed like a nice guy."

(YouTube)

••• We had the Daytime Emmy Awards on Sunday night. How about a clip?
(title graphic and awards show music)

(female voice-over): "Welcome back to the Daytime Emmy Awards! And now, the award for Outstanding Drama Series."

(scene): six men in a conference room

(one of the men): "And the 2014 Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Drama Series goes to The Young and the Restless. Here you go. Congratulations!"

(applause from the guys at the table)

(female voice-over): "Thank you for watching the Daytime Emmy Awards."

••• Dave: "That's not what happened. That was a joke! Here's really what happened." / video:
(set of the real Daytime Emmy Awards)

(male presenter): "And the Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Talk Show Host goes to..."

(female presenter): "Dr. Oz!"

(Alex Trebek in the audience, applauding... looks like Pat Sajak next to him)

(female presenter): "Dr. Oz."

(male presenter): "Dr. Oz couldn't be here tonight, because he's in prison for selling Colombian diet pills out of his trunk. We accept this award on his behalf."

(female voice-over): "The Daytime Emmy Awards will continue, after these messages."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update: As of July 1st, we will no longer be providing technical support for 2013 calendars." / a plug for Tylenol Extra Strength® •••
Act 2: Dave calls out Biff Henderson. Apparently he's been away from the show for two months, after undergoing a total knee replacement. Biff raises a pants leg and models the scars. He seems to be doing very well.
•••
Adam Levine from Maroon 5 is in to plug Begin Again, which opens on June 27, with about three dozen other films, apparently. Dave wants to talk about the origin of the name Maroon 5. Apparently it's pretty much only known to Adam and Billy Joel. He doesn't get Adam to spill.

Begin Again has a nice cast, including Keira Knightley, Hailee Steinfeld, Catherine Keener, Mos Def and Mark Ruffalo, who will be on the Late Show on June 26.

••• Top Ten Things a Presidential Candidate Should Never Say / #6: an audience shout out ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for the big week for Live on Letterman •••
General Frank Glass of the National Guard Bureau gets us better acquainted with his branch of the Armed Forces. The Guard is currently a sponsor of Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing. Dave and the general met at the Indy 500 in May.

The National Guard has been deployed in every major U. S. conflict. They also have a mission on the home front. During Hurricane Sandy, 12,000 Guard members assisted in the response. The general introduces Master Sergeant Michael Sears in the audience, who is about to be awarded the Silver Star, and a group of new recruits for the Guard.

••• Broken Bells sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Broken Bells played a Live on Letterman concert at 8:00 ET tonight.]

6/24/14 [4050]: monologue:

"Listen to this. I was doing some historical research earlier today. When I say Adolph Hitler... bad guy. Turned out he was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3,000,000 in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. Not only that, but he was forced to sell his NBA team."
••• On June 18, the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins' trademark. Here's an announcement.
(photo): U. S. Patent and Trademark Office

(voice-over): "Last week, the U. S. Patent Office rescinded its trademark protection of the Washinton Redskins' name, leaving the identity of the team hanging in the balance. The Patent Office stated that trademark protection would be restored if one small change were to be made to the Redskins' logo."

(photo): Redskins logo

(FX): The profile drawing of an Indian is replaced by a big, red potato. / bicycle horn honks / sheep says "Baaaa"

(voice-over): "June is Potato-Based Joke Month. Ask your grocer which types of potato are best for making your own jokes at home. Stay safe and have fun."

••• It's monologue interruption #0002 for Rob "R.J." Fried, who signed on as a writer last summer. Think of R.J. as a taller, creepier Joe Grossman. Dave greets the escaped writer cheerfully.
(Dave): "You're R.J. You work upstairs, and you were out here last night. Nice to see you again, R.J. What can I do for you?"

(R.J.): "Umm, I'm R.J. I work upstairs."

(R.J. points upward, in case some home viewers don't know which way is up.)

(Paul): "Yes. Yeah."

(Dave, nodding and smiling): "And you came out last night, during the show. And here you are again, tonight."

(R.J., emotionless): "I had a really good time."

(Dave, still playing along): "Uh huh. I'm glad to hear that."

(awkward silence)

(R.J.): "Do you do... this every night?"

(Dave, nodding): "Yes, I do. Yes, I do."

(R.J., struggling to comprehend his surroundings): "Can you tell me how to get back upstairs?"

(Dave): "Yeah! You know the way you came down? Just retrace your steps. Just go right back out through there, and find the elevator, and go back upstairs."

(R.J.): "OK, thanks. I'll see you on the train."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(audience): applauding, fearful that R.J. could snap at any moment

(Dave, to no one in general): "He's unusual."

(YouTube)

••• Dave wants to talk about the U. S. soccer team, now in the World Cup. He says that the timekeeping of the game is mysterious, and may have been a factor when the United States played Portugal. He thought there were 45-minute halves. / video:
The score's U.S. 2, Portugal 1. Portugal scores a goal at 94:32. What? Some guy on the sideline's upset.

(Dave): "So, now the United States has won one game... tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0 - 0, they advance to the finals."

••• There was a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend. Governor Chris Christie played. He's a pretty good athlete (if eating is a competitive sport). Dave: "He had a great day at the plate (and I'm talkin' about lunch)." For a big guy, the governor moves pretty well. He played third base in the big game. Here's video of the governor going after a hard-hit, bouncing grounder on its way to third base.
(clip): Governor Christie, wearing #55, goes after the grounder, and falls down in the process.

(outside view): Yankee Stadium collapses after the impact of the governor. The entire structure is a heap of rubble seven seconds later. We're not being told anyone's OK.

(Dave, after a long pause): "That really happened."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Brits! It's pronounced 'UH•LOO•MIN•UM.' " / a plug for Advil® PM ••• Rachelle Lefevre presents the Top Ten Questions People Ask Me About the Dome. Catch her in Under the Dome, now back for its second season. •••
Melissa McCarthy visits with Dave about Tammy, which opens on July 2. She co-wrote the screenplay, about a road trip by a woman and her grandmother, played by Susan Sarandon.
•••
Tim Duncan of the NBA champion San Antonio Spurs has an interview that got a lot of attention in advance. Some sources predicted that Duncan was going to announce his retirement from the NBA. Others were surprised because he last appeared on a talk show in 1997. Another wondered if he was going to bring his kids. (Yes.)
••• The Act 5 Audience Pan promotes Phish's Live on Letterman, and Alan reminds us that it's 'UH•LOO•MIN•UM.' " ••• Phish sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Phish do a Live on Letterman concert at 8 ET.

6/25/14 [4051]: Do you think of Starbucks as a purveyor of hot drinks? They're always on top of things, so they're all over cool summer refreshments. / video:

(outside shot): Starbucks storefront

(voice-over): "Starbucks is the place for cool summertime refreshment."

(animated product logo)

(voice-over, excited): "Introducing the Aqua-Blast Freeze™! We take premium ice cubes, and blend them with fresh tap water," (images) "...then add shaved ice. Just $12.99! Add a straw for $3. Starbucks."

(Starbucks logo and 1980s jingle): "We do chicken right."

••• Drones are a trendy topic now. Companies have started to deliver products, food, etc. by drone. The FAA says "no dice." / video:
(outside shot and peppy music): the FAA building in Washington

(drone footage, voice-over and landing): "The FAA has decided not to approve Amazon's request to use drones to deliver merchandise. After giving the issue careful consideration, we've deetermined that there are sufficient procedures already in place for aerial delivery of packages."

(from the 11/25/13 episode): A half-assed FedEx driver arrives at a security fence at a home, and chucks a large package over it.

(FX): glass breaking

(logo and voice-over): "The FAA."

(jingle): "We do chicken right."

••• Now we're in for a very special treat. Remember yesterday, when I described our new friend R.J. as a taller, creepier Joe Grossman? We see writers R.J. Fried and Joe Grossman moseying toward Dave at his monologue mark. This is going to be awesome!
(Dave sees them and smiles.): "Hey!"

(Paul, not yet sold on the idea, mutters): "Oh, great. Those guys. Here we go."

(Dave, warmly): "Hi, R.J. Hi, Joe."

(R.J.): "I'm R.J. I work upstairs. Uh, this is Joe. He works upstairs."

(Dave): "Right. We know that. We just... we know you work upstairs. That's great. Uhh, what are you guys doin' down here, now?"

(Joe, in zombie mode, as usual): "I work upstairs."

(Dave): "Right. OK, that's fine. So, why... what... why are you here?"

(Joe): "I saw R.J. out here last night. It looked like he was having a blast."

(Dave): "Right."

(R.J.): "It's awesome out here."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, you know, we... we do what we can."

(R.J.): "Uh, can you tell us how to get back upstairs?"

(Joe helpfully points out): "We work upstairs."

(Dave, patiently): "I know where you work. Joe, you and your friend R.J., why don't you go back upstairs? You... I know you know how to get back upstairs, so you just... R.J., you just follow Joe. You guys will get back upstairs. Thank you very much."

(Joe, out of force of habit, heads toward stage right.)

(Dave): "No no no no no no no. Joe! Joe! No! It's that way. Thank you, R.J. That way."

(R.J. doubles back.)

(Dave): "What? What?"

(R.J.): "Thanks. I'll see you at the game."

(Dave): "OK."

(Paul): "See you at the game."

(YouTube)

••• A Uruguayan soccer player, Luis Suarez, bit an Italian player, Giorgio Chiellini, in a World Cup game on June 24. The Uruguayan player has to wear one of those dog cones. We all know how much Dave hates people trying to make a buck off unpleasant situations such as these. That's right... here's the latest. / video:
(soccer game footage and peppy music)

(female voice-over): "Have you been bitten by Uruguayan futboller Luis Suarez? Then reach for Luisporin®, the only antibiotic ointment specially formulated to treat bites from Luis Suarez."

(photo of Luis' giant teeth, in a pose that reminds us of Sully Letterman's counterego)

(female voice-over): "Give a red card to red, irritated skin punctures."

(photo of the dreaded Suarez bite)

(FX): official's whistle

(female voice-over): "Luisporin®: At your local Brazilian Walgreens."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "All-Purpose Excuse": "Larry told me to." / a plug for Nationwide® •••
The show's cashing in on Luis Suarez bites for all they're worth. We watch video of the bite. (Paul): "He chomped on him!") How about a TTL? / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Luis Suarez's Mind at This Moment / #7: "This guy's shoulder hit me in the teeth." / (Dave calls for video of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger in the suggestive carrot-biting scene with a babe.) / #6: Mmm... The meat's so good you don't need ketchup." (an unexplained audience shout out) (Dave calls for more Arnold. Somebody call the FCC. Now Arnold's thrusting the carrot past the babe's luscious lips. Dave takes a while to fan himself with a blue card.) / #1: "Mamma mia, that's a spicy soccer player!"

The CBSO closes the Top Ten segment with "All Star" by Smash Mouth.

•••
Mark Wahlberg plugs Transformers: Age of Extinction, opening with 1,500 other films on June 27. He's just back from promoting the film in China. It was shot in part in Hong Kong and mainland China. He says the people in Hong Kong love our culture, and agrees with Dave that the country is Westernized.

There's a lengthy discussion on Wahlburgers in Boston. They have a special sauce, and Mark claims to not know what's in it. (His brother's a chef.) Try the Triple Decker, over 2/3 pound. Dave wants Triple Decker all over his face!

••• Act 5 Audience Pan: episode promos, Live on Letterman promo and, "I'll stop by your place later and remind you." ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Mary Barclay, executive assistant to Dave, and Pam Norozny, unit manager. •••
Ben Falcone plugs Tammy. He co-wrote it with Melissa McCarthy, as we learned yesterday, acted in it and also directed. He learned the hard way how many decisions a film director is called upon to make. His "not my problem" escape from endless decisions worked fine, until the producers found out.
••• Hurray for the Riff Raff sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/26/14 [4052]: "Pope Francis: A Look into the Future" / video:

(title graphic, with Pope Francis and mass music)

(clip): Pope Francis at a window in the Vatican

(voice-over): "June 22nd, 2014: Pope Francis excommunicates members of the Italian Mafia, calling them 'the adoration of evil.' "

(new clip): Pope Francis boarding an aircraft

(voice-over): "June 30th, 2014: For his own protection, Pope Francis enters the witness protection program, under the name Frank Poperelli, from Woodside, Queens."

(Photoshop fun): We see Mr. Poperelli's New York driver's license.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Pope Francis: A Look into the Future.' "

(title graphic)

••• Last Christmas, NBC ran The Sound of Music live. It was a huge hit. How do you top that? The Beatles, that's how. Dave's there (in the audience) if they do it, and he'll pay up to $20. NBC does face some roadblocks: 1) They can't use the Beatles' music. 2) They can't use the Beatles' likenesses. Well, a hotshot operation like NBC isn't going to let little silly little rules like that get in their way. Here's a preview:
(Wild West scene): A young gunslinger starts to draw. His holster falls to his knees, so he fires a pretend gun with his right hand. (You know... the thing that gets boys kicked out of grade schools these days.)

(Monkees TV show theme song): "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees..."

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "Beatles."

(Monkees, with the Beatles' names superimposed, singing): "And people say we..."

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "Beatle"

(Monkees): "...around. But we're too busy singing"

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "Beatleing..."

(Monkees): "To put anybody down... We're just tryin' to be friendly..."

(Mike McIntee voice-over): "Beatles."

(Monkees): "Come and watch us sing and play. We're the young generation..."

(me): You get the idea.

•••

monologue:

"Earlier tonight, ladies and gentlemen, was the NBA draft... NBA draft, so that means a few college kids will have jobs. By the way, even if you're not a basketball fan, tune in to the NBA draft if you can, because it's a great opportunity to see Kardashian future ex-husbands."
••• How about a cue card malfunction, with TV's Tony Mendez? Let's get right to it, shall we?
(Dave stalls for a few moments as the gag is set up.)

(Dave): "Tony? Tony? What... what's that?"

(cut to Tony, who's holding a five-foot-high cue card): "Dios mio. It's so humid, the cue card expanded!"

(Dave, after a pause): "Umm. Do we have any that haven't expanded?"

(Tony, being snotty): "Relax. It's just a joke, Conan!"

(Eddie Valk's seen behind the giant cue card, watching the fun on a monitor.)

(Dave, pointing at Tony): "By the way, remember how we had to wait for a while? Right there! Right there! You'd be home by now, if it wasn't for him!"

••• Queen Elizabeth went to Belfast, Northern Ireland to visit the Game of Thrones set, whatever that is. People said, "Whaaaaat?" It's not the first time the queen has dropped in on a television show. / video:
(live feed, compliments of CNN)

(clip): We see Queen Elizabeth in one of her pastel outfits.

(voice-over): "As part of her three-day visit to Northern Ireland, the queen took a tour of the Belfast studio where HBO's Game of Thrones is filmed. It was Her Majesty's first visit to the set of a television program since 2011, when she attended a taping of Let's Make a Deal."

(Photoshop fun): Her Majesty has a front row seat. Rather than her usual pastel dresses, the queen is wearing a Heinz Ketchup t-shirt. And, for the less-observant viewers, a flashing red arrow points her out.

(CNN logo and voice-over): "Tom Foreman, CNN, Belfast. I'm Edd Hall."

•••

monologue:

Dick Cheney famously asserted that Iraq was hiding weapons of mass destruction. Even after several people make some phone calls, Cheney to this day believes there are weapons of mass destruction. Similarly, Dave still believes he's going to get the Tonight Show.
••• True Blood is in its final season. It's about vampires. (Dave doesn't watch, because he knows there are no vampires; therefore, he's not interested.) There's a clip from the first show of the final season, says Nancy Agostini.
(Anna Paquin): "There was an attack at the church tonight. They're saying it was the sick vampires... that they came out of the dark. Another ambush."

(World Cup Soccer clip): We see Uruguayan futboller Luis Suarez biting Italian player Giorgio Chiellini in their game.

(graphic): "THE FINAL SEASON"

(graphic): "TRUE BLOOD"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Really looking forward to the weekend. I'm finally going to learn the difference between varnish and shellac." / a plug for Lincoln ••• Out of commercial, Dave gives Tony Mendez the business about a messy cue card. An embarrassed Tony explains, "I spilled my Frappuchino." We're sure it will never happen again. ••• TTL montage and interruption:
(Dave): "The category tonight: Top Ten Things That Will Get You Banned from the Zoo."

What is that pounding sound? Oh, of course. Alan's hard at work with a claw hammer.

(Dave hollers): "Alan? Alan? Alan? Alan, stop it! What are you doing?"

(Alan): "Walnuts, Dave. Can't get enough of 'em!"

(Dave, sternly): "We're right in the middle of the show. Stop doing this!"

(Alan): "Hey, you know a better way to get walnuts, Einstein?"

(Dave): "Well, you can go to any store on the block, and get 'em prepackaged. Already shelled."

(Alan): "Hey! Hey!"

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Alan): "Don't push your food politics on me! I don't need this!"

Alan trashes his workplace, throws up his arms and exits the stage.

(Dave): "Yeah, well, he's right. I guess I was a little pushy with my food politics."

••• A lady got herself banned from the Memphis Zoo for feeding cookies to the lions, and jumping the fence to sing to them. / Top Ten Things That Will Get You Banned from the Zoo / #7: criticizing owls for not saying "whom" / #6: teaching monkeys to smoke / E.T. theme song and a Bill DeLace voice-over: "E.T. phone home." •••
Marine Corporal Kyle Carpenter, 24, was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor on June 19, in the White House. On Nov. 21, 2010, he was seriously injured in Afghanistan as he tried to shield a fellow soldier from a hand grenade. Corporal Carpenter has undergone 40 surgeries, having suffered dozens of broken bones, lost an eye, lost most of his teeth, had both eardrums ruptured... on and on. He didn't awaken after the injuries for five weeks.

Corporal Carpenter was a very engaging and inspiring guest. He has recovered to the point that he can drive a car, and has enrolled in college. He will probably major in psychology.

It's great of Dave to honor individuals such as Kyle, who served so bravely, and has shown such determination and courage in recovery. Here's a YouTube clip from his segment, and a Tweet from @Letterman.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up: our experts offer tips for passing the time on an escalator." •••
Mark Ruffalo (pronounced ROUGH•uh•lo) has his first visit with Dave. He's in to plug Begin Again, opening on July 2. Mark played Bruce Banner / The Hulk in The Avengers, Avengers: Age of Ultron and Iron Man 3. He doesn't have to bulk up to play The Hulk. FX takes care of that. Keira Knightley is in the movie, too, which is nice.
••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/27/14: REPEAT FROM 5/19/14

6/30/14: REPEAT FROM 5/01/14

7/01/14: REPEAT FROM 6/19/14

7/02/14: REPEAT FROM 5/20/14

7/03/14: REPEAT FROM 5/13/14

7/04/14: REPEAT FROM 6/03/14

This is a big-time shout out to a Letterman fan from British Columbia who goes by Johnny Bobby Bee. I wasn't able to watch this episode on TV. We had a brief but crazy storm in Manhattan, with wind measured up to 67 MPH. Cable TV was on and off. When it was on, it was weather updates. Johnny helped me download an amazing 646 MB copy of the show that he got from bit torrent, something I don't understand. Normally I'd get the show from cbs.com, but that same day, I picked up a Flash Player bug that blocked all their videos. I finally got that fixed on July 11, again thanks to a brilliant technical tip from Johnny Bobby Bee. He directed me to a tiny little preference file for Flash, created for cbs.com, that was one character off. I trashed the folder that had the bad file, clicked on a cbs.com video, it created a good preference file, and immediately I was back in business!

7/07/14 [4053]: It's the first episode since the 4th of July. It turns out that it's not celebrated worldwide (especially in England), but here's video of some awesome celebrating in China. Let's have a look. / video:

We see a group of young Chinese people watching a competition. The contestant's mission is to break balloons on a table, by bending over and smashing them with his forehead. As soon as he demolishes a balloon, another is placed. He was exploding them at the rate of one per second. No matter the country, that's a celebration! (Thanks for the memories, Shecky.)

(Dave): "That's leftover tape. We've had it for years. Finally found a way to use it... sort of."

••• Remember Dave's unsuccessful quest in 2002 to have I-465 around Indianapolis named Dave Letterman Expressway? Of course you do. The state of Illinois has named part of I-74 after former Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood. You'll want to see this footage. / video:
(photo): A group is gathered by a large sign, covered with a black sheet for the moment.

(voice-over): "The state of Illinois is pleased to announce that a portion of Interstate 74 has been named in honor of former Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood."

(unveiling clip)

(Ray LaHood, in his office): "People want to ride a bus, or a metro system, or a light rail or a streetcar, and, uh, so, we can't just put all of our eggs... all of our resources, into one area..."

(outside shot): Ray's on a stadium-sized video board that's mounted over I-74.

(photo): Ray giving a thumbs-up in his office

(voice-over): "Congratulations, Ray!"

••• And how did the nation of China celebrate the renaming of I-74? / See the aforementioned balloon-popping video. •••

monologue:

"A woman in New Jersey is dating a cardboard cutout of Bradley Cooper, and there's some drawbacks. She said that the most awkward part of the relationship was meeting the cardboard cutout of his mother. But they're deeply in love. They go everywhere together unless, of course, it's raining."
•••
Dave checks with Tony Mendez on his next assignment. Tony's cue card says, "LITTLE ANXIOUS ABOUT SOME PACKAGES I'M EXPECTING — CAN WE TURN ON MY EXTERNAL SECURITY CAMERA TO SEE IF BEING DELIVERED" / Dave: "I guess you can tell by lookin' at me that I'm a little anxious."

(security camera video): A USPS van has stopped along a street. The driver's outside the vehicle. He tosses a small package into some weeds. Oh... there goes a second one! That's pretty much it.

Dave pauses for a bit, trying to think of a punchline, then says, "Well, I'm feeling more anxious now."

••• monologue: Congress is suing President Obama because he plans to ignore them. In other news, Majority Leader John Boehner is going to sue Obama because Obamacare doesn't cover tanning salons. / photo: orange John Boehner (and the fluorescent animation) ••• It's the China video again! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention shoppers: Now's the time to make your best deal on a new item!" / a plug for Fresh Step ••• Weather Report: 91° F, humidity: 45%, barometer: 29.81 (steady), wind: SW 17 MPH, visibility: 10 miles / outside cam / Dave on PA to pedestrians on the Broadway sidewalk:
"Hey, pick up the trash. You, in the blue shirt, pick up some damn trash. Come on, get back here and... Hey, pick up the trash! What are you, tourists? If I came to your town, I'd pick up your trash. Pick that up. Hey, pick it up! You... Come on! Just standin' around. Hey, lady, pick that trash up. Hey, buddy! What is wrong with America? Pick up the trash. Look at that... look at how lousy it is out there! Ma'am, could you... would you do me a favor? This is Mayor de Blasio. Pick up the trash! For the... Get... Oh, please." (One guy picks up something. The audience cheer.) "Thank you very much! Thank you, I appreciate it." (A young girl who's been hanging around picks up a big item.) "Thank you! Get that... Right there, buddy. Hey! Hey! Hey! You... Zorro... Pick up the... Ma'am, there's a... Oh, just walk right by it like it's not even there! Please, pick that piece of trash up. I am beggin' you. Yeah, don't use the sidewalks, pal. Alright. Ma'am, can you pick that up, please? Would you pick that... You could... Oh, come on! How about you, Mr. Backward Hat Guy? Pick up the... Oh, you walked by it twice! I'm not... I'm not gonna stop screamin' until you pick it..." (guy picks up one piece) "There you go!!!!" (Late Show "yes" bells) (audience cheers) Back on camera, Dave says, "I do what I can."

While typing this for several minutes, I remembered the same scenario in June 2006. Dave had had enough, and spontaneously ventured out to Broadway to pick up the trash himself. He kind of Tom Sawyers some citizens into helping him. Here's my video.

••• T.G.I. Fridays has a summer-long promotion: Endless Appetizers. / Top Ten Questions People Have About T.G.I. Fridays' "Endless Appetizers" / #6: (an audience shout out to a young couple): "Are you available for weddings?" / #2: "What wine goes with a thousand mozzarella sticks?" / #1: "Will I live to see Friday?" •••
Halle Berry plugs Extant, which premieres on CBS in two days. She's making episodes this summer, but a trip to Paris is in the plan, as her husband's from there.

Extant means "still in existence." The science fiction show is about who will survive... humans... robots? Will aliens co-exist with humans? The executive producer is Mr. Close Encounters, Steven Spielberg.

Halle doesn't think we're the only species in existence. Dave says SETI has found nothing. Halle plays an astronaut who's pregnant, but she's been in space for over a year. Hmm. Who's yer daddy? Halle's not giving us any more spoilers. The show looks at where artificial intelligence ends up. Can a computer learn to love? Computers have programmed themselves a little already. (I think we all know what happened with HAL 9000, a heuristically-programmed algorithmic computer.)

Halle went on a zero-G flight as she prepared for her role. Fifteen people were on the flight, and every single one of them urped. (My friend, a new private pilot, and later an Air Force colonel and F-15 pilot, took me up in a Cessna 152, and we went weightless on a parabolic flight. A rag was floating in the cockpit on our descent. I didn't urp, though.)

•••
Dave calls Halle back onstage. The engaged couple from the TTL were looking for advice in the preshow Q&A. Halle's six-year-old daughter, Nahla, has written the Top Ten Ways to Stay Married. Dave presents it.
••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Bendt Erik Akerblom, technical maintenance man, with Darlene Love. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, an exclusive look at what celebrities keep in their kangaroos' pouches!" •••
Steve Young, Late Show writer for 24 years, is back to visit more about his book, Everything's Coming Up Profits, released last fall. It covers musicals commissioned by businesses from 1950 - 1980. Visit industrialmusicals.com to learn more. Paul has written a theme song for Steve. (.mp3)

The first industrial musical we hear is for Schmidt's Beer, "Beer on Tap." We're hearing tap dancing. From 1961, it's a 45 RPM record of "Mainliner," which is about Westinghouse® fluorescent lights. The singing is fine, but the premise sucks something awful. From Ortho Pharmaceuticals in 1971, it's a musical parody of South Pacific, "There's Nothing Like a Dame." It's about birth control. / We get sidetracked for 11 seconds for the Chinese balloon popper. / From 1963, it's a singalong for Westclox®: "On the Go," about battery clocks. Here's a first, I think. It's a Late Show audience singalong. Shades of Mitch Miller! Follow the bouncing battery clock to sing along. The audience lights go up, but they just clap. (video)

••• The War on Drugs sing (accompanied by Paul). They're real good! ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason sat in for Will Lee on bass.]

7/08/14 [4054]: Tonight's audience shout outs are to Dwight, an aspiring comedian. Dave starts by offering him a pre-owned joke from tonight's monologue. ••• Now's the time to buy an air conditioner. Here's an ad. / video:

(voice-over): "If you're looking to beat the heat this summer, come to P. C. Richard & Son for unbelievable deals on air conditioners!"

(clip): an oscillating table fan

(voice-over): "Of course, you could just use an electric fan, if you want to be like terrorist leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, ..."

(FX): There's a fan behind Mr. Terrorist, who's addressing his followers from a window above them, and a red arrow calling our attention to his appliance.

(voice-over continues): "but if you love America, you'll buy an air conditioner at P. C. Richard & Son."

(graphic and voice-over): "Shop here or you're a terrorist.™"

••• The TSA is tightening things up. They're not joking around. Airport security will be even more strict. Here's there important announcement. / video:
(clip): jet taking off

(clip): inside a busy airport

(voice-over): "Travelers flying to the U. S. from certain airports are now subject to additional screening. To prove that your cell phone is not an explosive device, you will be asked to turn it on and call this guy."

"This Guy" is writer Mike Leech. He's seated below a TSA insignia, riding a computer.

(phone rings / Mike): "Hey, who's this? Are you calling from the airport? Yeah. Where are you headin'?" (new call comes in): "Oh, I've got another call."

(Mike selects a new line): "Hey, TSA. Hey, how're ya doin'?"

(TSA insignia and voice-over): "The Transportation Security Administration: That's our logo."

•••

monologue:

"Here's something about Kim Kardashian. You know the Kardashians, and Kim Kardashian went to a psychic. And as it turned out, Kim was very impressed. The psychic seemed to know a lot quite a lot about Kim, and I kind of feel like I know too much about Kim. And the psychic... actually, here's what happened. The psychic dozed off reading her mind."

"Down in Arkansas... We have anybody here from Arkansas? Really? I'll be darned. Paul, did you know the horn section...?" (Paul): "I really had no idea." "What a coincidence that is. A woman, 116 years old, she is the oldest living person in the United States of America. And whenever this happens, people always pester the old people. 'Oh... how did you get so old? What are you doin'? What's your secret?' And the woman said, 'Well... I was born a really long time ago.' That's what... But, she's so old, her first pet is instinct."

••• It's another audience shout out. A man from Albany wanted to know if there's anything funny on the show tonight. Dave checked with Tony Mendez, who says the upcoming Warren Harding joke is funny. ••• [On July 29, the Library of Congress is going to release some very explicit love letters, c. 1913, from Warren Harding to his old lady. The president's wiener was code-named Jerry. It turns out Harding wasn't the first to pen amorous letters.] / video:
(title graphic and Ken Burns-type music)

(graphic and voice-over): "Warren Harding to his lover, Carrie Fulton Phillips."

(b&w photo of Ma Phillips)

(voice-over of Harding's words): "My darling, there are no words at my command sufficient to say the full extent of my love for you."

(graphic and voice-over): "John Adams to his wife, Abigail."

(portrait of the beady-eyed Abigail)

(voice-over of Adams' words): "My dearest Abigail, your undeniable beauty quickens my affections."

(graphic and voice-over): "Franklin Roosevelt to his wife, Eleanor."

(photo of the sultry former first lady)

(voice-over of Roosevelt's words): "Eleanor... Nice hat."

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Presidential Love Letters.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tech Tip": "Improve your laptop's performance by installing more computer parts." / a plug for Kellogg's Rice Krispies® •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave has more for Dwight. He advises him to move to California if he wants to get into show bidness. Dave asks Jerry Foley for a close-up. "Now," Dave announces, "you can tell people you've been on my show."

  2. Dave, the former meteorologist who once warned of "hail the size of canned hams," says New York today is a "blazeroo." Paul says it's a "scorcher." / Weather Report: 93° F, humidity: 53%, barometer: 29.83 (steady), wind: SW at 16 MPH, visibility: 10 miles

  3. outside cam for the Late Show Hose Cam®: Dave uses his outside PA, but has a lot of trouble getting volunteers for the ceremonial sidewalk moistening. / How about a cat call from Dave? ("Heeere kitty kitty kitty..." (.mp3) / Eventually someone cuts loose a small mob from under the marquee. Dave pushes the button and baptizes them.

    It's kind of too bad that we never hear anything about the Hosie Cow® on the big show these days. Mine's in great shape. It's currently in the guest bedroom.

•••
Joan Rivers joins Dave to plug her latest book, Diary of a Mad Diva. Yes, there are other famous diarists, such as Anne Frank, but Joan, 81, hasn't kicked the bucket like the others. Joan's no stranger to controversy. Over the weekend, she took a powder during an interview with Fredricka Whitfield of CNN, complaining that her questions were too negative. Apparently Fredricka told Joan she was mean to ladies about their red carpet dresses. Joan says her job is being fashion police. She says, "Style is like herpes. You either have it, or you don't." Dave sees an opening. Joan's wearing a large, sparkly bauble of a necklace, and Dave asks her if it's a first-place award. (The control room sneaks in some "yes" bells after his zinger.)

In other news, Joan is up for an Activia® commercial, but she didn't get the nod for Depends®. June Allyson was a spokesperson for the valued product in her later years. Joan claims to quote June, "Hi, I'm June Allyson. While I'm talking to you, I'm taking a dump." Dave rises, removes his jacket and storms off the set. (I'm trying to remember if the last occasion for this was the Crispin Glover incident of '87.) Don't worry, Joan interviewed herself for a while, and Dave was back at his command module after commercial. Our pal Dwight got another shout out at the end of Joan's appearance.

••• Act 5 is a delivery. We see the Late Show pages delivering Dairy Queen products to the audience. •••
Keith Olbermann plugs his ESPN2 offering, Olbermann. It's a fine show, but it's not like he has a big head about it or anything. There's much to talk about, and soccer's high on the list. Keith loves soccer. He played it as a youngster. He makes the case that parents may push kids toward it instead of football, because of the risk of injuries. Of course, the Uruguayan biting the Italian is covered, and Dave once again mentions soccer players' uncanny knack for falling down. I don't watch ESPN, because of the chance of running across Dick Vitale, but Keith is very intelligent, and able to make any topic interesting. He definitely sees all aspects of a discussion.
••• Capital Cities sing. ••• [Neil Jason was in again for Will Lee.] ••• Good luck in show business, Dwight! (like I'm going to do him any good)

7/09/14 [4055]: You don't mind if I have the original Ghostbusters on while I slap this together, do you? Ha! Like you're reading this, anyway. •••

monologue:

(World Cup Soccer): "Germany! Oh, man, they mauled Brazil. Angela Merkel scored two goals. Yup. And Germany took care of Brazil. Now it's on to Poland and Austria and Czechoslovakia..."
••• Do you visit the TGIFridays? For a limited time, for $10 you get Endless Apps (which is their cutesy name for appetizers). Keep 'em coming! / Another restaurant chain is following suit. / video:
(clips of appetizers, accompanied by dramatic music)

(clips of people chowing down, and female voice-over): "Endless Appetizers™ seem fun at first, until the fatigue sets in. All that chewing, and swallowing and ingesting. But we've got the solution!"

(graphic): Chili's Intravenous Appetizers

(female voice-over, upbeat): "Introducing Chili's new Intravenous Appetizers!"

(action photo): swirling tan goo

(female voice-over continues): Sit back and relax, while freshly-liquefied appetizers are effortlessly pumped into your system."

(man at restaurant, enjoying an I.V. drip, to a waiter): "Could I get some ranch sauce, please?"

A nurse, attired in a black waiter's outfit, wheels in another I.V. pole. She fixes him right up.

(graphic and voice-over): "Chili's® Intravenous Appetizers: Putting the I.V. in flavor."

••• Dave with an audience shout out: "Do we have an unemployed nurse in the house, ladies and gentlemen? Is there a nurse in the house?" ••• Dave wishes happy birthday to Ed Lowe (who expired in 1995). He invented kitty litter, and will be remembered as a man who thought inside the box. ••• "Under the Dome Recap" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(lady with a gun): "We need to take a trip to the Dome."

(off-camera woman): "I've been studying the Dome."

(man 1): "The Dome doesn't have it."

(man 2): "Yes it does!"

(about 40 others, in tight edits): "The Dome" or "Dome"

(man 3): "I think the Dome's trying to tell us something."

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• Dave calls for a replay of the recap, this time accompanied by the CBSO. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "A little piece of your soul dies every time you say 'app' instead of 'appetizer.' " / a plug for Lincoln ••• [Schlitterbahn® Water Park will open in KCK on July 10.] / desk chat: The German name sidetracks Dave into a desk chat about his Volkswagen Golf / GTI, back in the day. That baby handled like a snake in a rat hole, or words to that effect. ••• Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Water Park / #10: It's bring-your-own-chlorine. / #3: Bikini-clad seniors ride for free. •••
Clint Dempsey, captain of the U.S. Men's National Soccer Team, is up first tonight. He's the first American to score in three World Cups. After just finishing a successful World Cup, he's headed back to the Seattle Sounders, where he'll play before 67,000. Dave asks Clint about a recent topic of his: players who fall to the field in career-ending injuries, then pop back up a bit later. Clint doesn't argue with Dave that sometimes it may be for a break in the action. One thing he insists on is the goalie has to have a screw loose.
••• desk chat: Dave has talked himself into getting another Volkswagen. "Boy, I'd like to have me one of them Volkswagens." ••• Red Lobster has had financial disappointments of late. What's in store for the famous chain? Jim Keyes, CEO, joins us tonight with his personal message. It goes very much like this:
"Thanks, Dave. Folks, I won't lie to you. We've had a bad year in the old boiled crustacean game. Our finances have hit rough seas. Our market share has taken on water, and our stock price has struck an iceberg. Ha ha ha ha ha. But... our hearts will go on, thanks to a game-changing idea suggested by that man right there, David Letterman. To kick off the new, improved Red Lobster experience, we invite everyone to come in and say, 'There's nothing better than a free shrimp from Dave Letterman.' Thank you. You get one wood-grilled shrimp, and unlimited cole slaw! It's on Dave. That's a sea-riffic deal, am I right? Yes, it's smooth sailing again at Red Lobster. Dave, thanks for your support. And folks, I hope you'll all join the mob, down at The Lob!"
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Look at how crisp and attractive my collar is. Thank you, collar stays." ••• Poppy Montgomery plugs Unforgettable. Not revealed in the interview: Her given name is Poppy Petal Ema Elizabeth Deveraux Donahue. December 23, 2007 was a big day for her, as she gave birth to Jack Kaufman. Yup. ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Pat O'Keefe (couldn't read the card) and Jill Goodwin, writer. ••• Sleeper Agent sing. ••• [Neil Jason sat in for Will Lee.]

7/10/14 [4056]: Alan Kalter and the pages have the audience worked into a frenzy tonight. Dave can't get 'em to be still until he says, "Don't make me bring in the tanks!" ••• OK, I'm stumped. Dave gives an audience shout out to Nadir, Oklahoma, but it doesn't seem to exist. But who cares?! •••

During the monologue, we begin to hear a car horn about every half minute. (After the third honk, I went to my door to see if some wise guy was outside, because most Late Show episodes are honk-free.) Eventually Dave asks what's going on. (Alan Kalter): "Oh, I'm sorry about that, Dave. My ride is here!" Big Red grabs a bag, says, "Have a good weekend," and exits the Ed. / outside cam: We see Alan's big yellow taxi on 53rd St. (Dave): "I'd kinda like to go with him." / Another taxi honks, but Dave sticks it out with us, and Mike McIntee steps in as announcer.
••• Under the Dome has been a topic on the Late Show. Tonight's offering is "Shows That Would Be Better Under a Dome." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "Tonight's installment: The Dr. Oz Show."

(Dr. Oz): "Today I've asked everyone in the audience to bring in a pair of their underwear."

(FX): The dome moves into position, or whatever it does.

(Smiling audience ladies proudly display their underpants. One pair has polka dots, just so you know.)

(title graphic and voice-over): "See you next time on 'Shows That Would Be Better Under a Dome.' "

••• It's another of Dave's impressions of David Letterman. We haven't had one since May 16.
Dave turns 180° to prepare. There's much less throat clearing than usual, and more deep breaths. With both palms, Mr. Letterman carefully smooths his hair. He turns to face us, then begins, "Uhhh, one senior for Planet of the Apes, please."

(Dave): "My favorite... I liked the original, and then the other one that I liked was Beyond the Valley of the Apes.

(me): Roger Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Apes, as you know. Just jokes...

Tonight, Dave smooths his hair with right palm/left palm. I think that's working well for him.

••• Colorado allows the weed now. (That's where Alan is headed.) Barack Obama was in Colorado earlier this week, and speechified on the subject. / video:
The president is at a lectern, which may - or may not - be on a podium. As he gestures, he knocks his bong clean off the lectern. "Whoops!" He looks down at it on the floor, as a large cloud of exhaust rises. The president giggles, then says, "Where were we?"
••• Mike McIntee with Big Show Highlights and, "TV Trivia": "The Weather Channel has been in reruns since 2007." / a plug for Aveeno (I don't know what it is, but Jennifer Aniston wants me to buy it.) ••• out of commercials: Dave summons Biff, who delivers certificates for dinner for four to some audience peeps. ••• Dawn of the Planet of the Apes opens tomorrow. / Top Ten Films About Monkeys / #2: Arnold and the Carrot / #1: Jack Hanna and His Sisters •••
Michael Douglas plugs And So It Goes, which opens on July 25. Diane Keaton co-stars, and it's directed by Rob "Meathead" Reiner. What? Linda Ellerbee doesn't have a part? That's just wrong. The film's a comedy and a love story about old people doing it.

Michael's going to be 70 this fall. Dave comments, and Michael agrees, that he looks more like Kirk than ever. Kirk is 97 now, and he's just finished his tenth novel. Michael has a story about him. Kirk saw one of his old movies on TV earlier this year, but he couldn't remember it. It turns out it was one of Michael's movies.

Dave and Michael both have young kids, and they compare notes. Next year, Dave's going to be able to spend more time with Harry, but he's not sure how that will go. Harry likes to go fishing with him, but there's sure to be some static as the day goes on, so Dave's patience is always tested.

We see a photo of Michael floating in the Dead Sea recently. Nothing can live in it, and pretty much everything floats. It's a salt lake, with very high density.

••• The World Cup Soccer final game will be on Sunday in Rio de Janeiro. Who better to give us an update from South America than CBS Chief British Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones? It's good to see the cantakerous fellow. I was thinking just yesterday that it had been a while. His last report for the Late Show was on 2/20/14. I could spend the next 500 years and not be able to quote Graham's blustering. That's why you read the Wahoo Gazette instead of this rag. ••• Big Red has returned. / Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back: Embarrassing photos of today's trees when they were just awkward saplings." ••• Paul Morrissey does stand-up. Check out his album, Paul Morrisey's Back. ••• Kiesza sings. I'll have no further comment on this performance. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason was in again on bass for Will Lee.]

7/11/14 REPEAT FROM 6/25/14

7/14/14 [4057]: First, thanks to Dave for stepping up with some new questions for my silly "Fun with the Horn Section" page.

monologue:

"Lebron James going back to Cleveland, ladies and gentlemen. In return, the Taliban released five prisoners."

"Anybody go see the Planet of the Apes movie? $73,000,000... people go to see the Planet of the Apes movie. It's unbelievable, and I'm not interested in goin' to see monkey movies, but it's amazing. It's in 3-D, it's in IMAX, and it is so realistic, you can barely see the zippers on the backs of the monkey suits. Fantastic!"

"Did you know this? Last, I guess, Saturday night was the supermoon. Anybody enjoy the supermoon? Don't kid yourself. Weird things happen during the supermoon. I woke up barefoot, with my clothes torn, stumbling through the moors."

••• Dave wanted video of the supermoon. He grabbed his cell phone and went outside, just in time when it passed over. / animation: The supermoon, at a mere 222,000 miles away, clips the DirecTV dish on top of Dave's garage. It falls on top of his car, setting off the burglar alarm. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who's been coming since 1982 (she claims). ••• "New Report" / video:
(voice-over): "According to a new report, since last year the number of new reports has increased 35%. This new report also found that a new report receives prominent attention in print, online and TV news sources for a day or two, after which Americans lose interest in the new report. The process repeats itself upon release of another new report. This report has been brought to you by Outback Steakhouse® and the Church of Latter-Day Saints."
••• interruption: Costume designer Sue Hum approaches Dave. She's wearing her official costume designer apron, and is carrying an electric mixer beater coated with frosting, or space-age polymers, or something even less healthful.
(Dave): "Oh, hi! Nice to see you! Ladies and gentlemen, it's our costume designer, Sue Hum. Sue, nice to see you! How are you, Sue, and thank you for being here."

(Sue, more cheerful than usual): "Did you want to lick the beater?"

(Dave, accepting it): "Well, I... I... I..., I really haven't done this since I was a kid. I'll try some." (licks the white goo and smiles) "Oh, man! Wow! That's very tasty! Are you makin' a cake?"

(Sue, smiling modestly): "Oh, no. I... I don't bake."

(awkward silence, as audience members giggle)

(Dave offers the beater to Sue.)

(Sue): "Oh... oh, no. You keep it," she insists.

Sue hurries offstage, to catch a flight to South America.

Dave, becoming concerned, looks over toward Nancy Agostini, then to Paul. Now he looks into the audience, shades his eyes with a hand, takes aim and makes a perfect toss to a guy in row one of the audience. The dude seems happy with whatever's on the thing.

(Dave): "Take a lick and pass it back."

••• Historians have found love letters written by Warren G. Harding to his mistress, Carrie Fulton Phillips. We've learned that Warren had a nickname for his schwanschtucker, which Dave refers to as his beater. (Paul, not missing a beat, begins playing Michael Jackson's "Beat It.") His deal's nickname was Jerry. (I presume that its given name was Jerome.) The Late Show has since learned that Warren G. Harding was not the only one who nicknamed the aforementioned unit. / "Presidential Anatomy Nicknames"
(title graphic and stately music)

We see rapid-fire portraits of U. S. presidents, with voice-overs of the nicknames.

  • George Washington: Sparky
  • John Adams: Luigi
  • Thomas Jefferson: Nacho
  • James Madison: Tito
  • James Monroe: Dusty
  • John Quincy Adams: Roberto
  • Andrew Jackson: Ernie
  • Martin Van Buren: Billy Dee
  • William Henry Harrison: Pappy
  • John Tyler: Otto
  • James K. Polk: Rudy
  • Zachary Taylor: Apollo
  • Millard Filmore: Mitch
  • Franklin Pierce: Izzy
  • James Buchanan: Chief
  • Abraham Lincoln: Stovepipe Stan
  • Andrew Johnson: Cecil (me): Not Johnson?
  • Ulysses S. Grant: Ira
  • Rutherford B. Hayes: Glen
  • James A. Garfield: Dante
  • Chester A. Arthur: Hobart
  • Grover Cleveland: Giuseppe
  • Benjamin Harrison: Jethro
  • William McKinley: Dudley
  • Theodore Roosevelt: Huey
  • William Howard Taft: Seamus
  • Woodrow Wilson: Floyd
  • Calvin Coolidge: Hugo
  • Warren G. Harding: Jerry
  • Herbert Hoover: Lomax
  • Franklin D. Roosevelt: Mad Dog
  • Harry S. Truman: Armando
  • Dwight D. Eisenhower: Roscoe
  • Lyndon B. Johnson: Vernon (me): Not Johnson?
  • Richard M. Nixon: Merv
  • Gerald R. Ford: Fonzie
  • Jimmy Carter: Sheldon Hodges
  • Ronald Reagan: Gene
  • George H. W. Bush: Gomez
  • William Jefferson Clinton: Jericho Tiberius Cornwallis IV
  • George W. Bush: Chuck Norris
  • Barack Hussein Obama: The Barack Ness Monster
(title graphic and stately music)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tonight's Phrase That Pays": Orwellian Dystopia" / a plug for Nexium 24-hr. •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave has begged Lebron James to return to Cleveland, and he's doing just that. The people of Cleveland have Dave to thank for this.

  2. The Marines are testing a robotic mule, or Legged Squad Support System, to help them carry heavy loads... namely, 400 pounds over 20 miles without refueling. (The horn section know all about mules, by the way.)

  3. Mules can't reproduce. "A mule is a donkey and a horse," Dave explains. We see clips of one being put through its paces, trotting along, then rolling over. Man, is it awkward-looking in motion.
••• Top Ten Frequently Asked Questions About the Robotic Mule / #9: "Can I keep him, Pa?" / #5: "Will I need a new charger?" •••
Kurt Russell is in to plug The Battered Bastards of Baseball. It's a documentary about an independent team his dad, actor Bing Russell, created: the Portland Mavericks. Who knew that Kurt played baseball? I didn't, but he was on this team. Kurt's a very intelligent guy, and this was a tremendous interview about a great success story. Dave's always interested in baseball, and does a fine job of carrying the interview.

If things weren't going well in a game, the team had a black Labrador they'd turn loose on the field. Anyway, over the years, all kinds of people told Kurt that he should make a movie about this team, and here it is.

We also learn that Kurt's an apprentice wine maker. Dave shows a bottle of his Go Gi, a Pinot Noir Burgundy from Ampelos Cellars.

••• Hannibal Buress plugs his "Oddball Festival," associated with Funny or Die. ••• Sturgill Simpson sings, in his network television debut. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: robotic mules

7/15/14 [4058]: Former Pope Benedict from Germany and Pope Francis from Argentina watched World Cup soccer at the Vatican. / video:

(clip): We see them kneeling in prayer. Oh, wait a minute. The shot widens out. In front of them is a pizza. We guess they're saying grace before chowing down, as we hear coverage of a match in the background. (How about if Pope Francis suggests to the Uruguayan dude to stop biting his opponents?)
••• monologue:
"By the way, congratulations to Germany. They have now... listen to this... in terms of soccer, in terms of World Cups, they have won four World Cup Soccer championships. But... they are still 0 for 2 in world wars."
••• Hey, what are we going to watch, now that World Cup Soccer is over? How about this? / video:
(clip): soccer action

(voice-over): "If you enjoyed watching the World Cup final, you'll love watching corn processing at Hannegan's Corn Factory!" (clip of hot processing plant action) "Come watch us turn thousands of corn cobs into millions of corn kernels! Look at that corn go!"

(graphic): Hannegan's Corn logo

(voice-over): "Hannegan's Corn. Relax. It's Hannegan's Corn."

••• monologue:
"By the way, congratulations to Germany. They have now... listen to this... in terms of soccer, in terms of World Cups, they have won four World Cup Soccer championships. But... they are still 0 for 2 in world wars."

"Are you like me? Do you get the feeling that not just President Obama, but any second-term president... Oh, my God! I mean, do you want... really, do you want the job, in the middle of your second term? I mean, how many of you think he really gives a rat's ass about anything anymore? I'd just like... 'Stop it! Leave me alone! I can't take it anymore!' "

••• Barack Obama was in Texas recently, in Austin. He wanted some Texas barbecue, so he started flashing his credit card, and one or more photographers got a good enough shot of the card to compromise it. (photo) That was yesterday. How did the POTUS spend today? / video:
(female voice-over): "After accidentally revealing his credit card number in Austin, Texas last week, President Obama spent all morning doing this."

(clip): B.O., on the phone

(FX): phone rings

(B.O.): "Yes, who's this?"

(credit card customer service dude): "Good morning, Mr. President, this is Jim from Visa fraud protection. I'm calling to verify some recent charges on your account."

(B.O.): "Of course, go ahead."

(credit card customer service dude): "Mr. President, did you recently spend $159 on an inflatable tandem kayak from outdooradventures.com?"

(B.O.): "No."

(credit card customer service dude): "What about $279.95 on a Rotisserie Turkey Fryer from Hammacher Schlemmer?"

(B.O.): "The answer would be no."

(credit card customer service dude): "$656 on a Deluxe Meat Sampler from Omaha Steaks?"

(B.O.): "No."

(credit card customer service dude): "And what about $335 on a Master Pollinator's Beekeeping Kit from Hudson Valley Bee Supply?"

(B.O.): "I'm an amateur beekeeper."

(credit card customer service dude): "So that's a yes?"

(B.O.): "Yes."

(credit card customer service dude): "Thank you for your time, sir."

(B.O.): "Bye."

(FX): phone hang-up and dial tone

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "Morse Code was originally developed as a way to transmit jokes, insults and gossip about Samuel Morse." / a plug for Nationwide ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave and Paul introduce Candy Staton, who's singing with the CBSO tonight. She has a new album, "Life Happens."

  2. After the TTL montage, Dave has an extended set-up for tonight's list. When he was a youngster, Dorothy didn't appreciate comic books. He claims she thought the publications were "the work of the Devil." Meanwhile, Janice was allowed to read the Archie comic books. Dave gives us an in-depth summary of the adventures of Archie, Reggie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead. Guess what! Archie's fixin' to kick the bucket. Some ne'er-do-well is going to shoot him, as he tries to protect his gay friend.

  3. Dave continues to fuss about the Archie situation, and that his surviving friends will be out of work. Paul takes a cue and runs with it: "Now, actually, Archie has made sure that his staff will continue to get paid." Dave gets the hint and starts grinning. Jerry Foley gets a shot of stage right, where Rob Burnett, Matt Roberts and Nancy Agostini are seen applauding. "That's great," Dave mumbles. Now there's a shot of the horn section. "Bones," Frank and Aaron are applauding. All Dave has to say is, "Good for Archie. Good for his staff."
••• Top Ten Memorable Moments in Comic Strip History / #3: Beetle Bailey exchanged for five Taliban prisoners •••
Jason Segel plugs Sex Tape, which opens on July 18. Cameron Diaz costars in their film about a married couple who discover that the sex tape they made the evening before has gone missing. It's a very enjoyable interview. The discussion quickly turns to food, and they compare notes on their favorites. Jason loves the BLTs. Dave does, too, and also club sandwiches. We learn that Dave loves Taco Bell®, and apparently also enjoys mispronouncing taco. He goes for the Supreme Taco or the Burrito Supreme, if I recall. Dave goes into detail on what he wants at home: wheat bread, ham, lettuce, tomato, mayo, sharp cheddar cheese and mustard. We know he likes the Plochman's® mustard.

The film is a one-night adventure. Jason loves two movies along those lines: Romancing the Stone and Adventures in Babysitting. Both are favorites of mine, by the way. Jason says Cameron is the kindest, most talented person you'd ever want to meet.

••• Act 5 is a brief look at Candy Staton singing with the CBSO. •••
It's been way too long: Beautiful Liv Tyler is in to plug The Leftovers, a TV series seen on Sundays on HBO. We've visited with Liv on 5/23/08, 12/15/03, 12/20/02, 12/13/01, 4/23/01 and 4/04/97, and her first visit was on 6/12/96, when she was 18. She's 37 now, and she looks more beautiful than ever. We're reminded of how sweet she is, too. She begins the visit with, "I'm very said that you're not gonna be on TV anymore. I had to come and see you again."

The Leftovers is about the leftover people after the Rapture, which occurred three years earlier. It looks at how people are coping after 2% of the world's population disappeared.

The topic of the evening is Liv's RV or motor home trip in 2013, with her son, Milo, who's now nine. They departed in the RV, destined for Kentucky, to see Steve Zahn, then Dollywood. Eventually they made their way to Michigan. Of Liv dropping in on acquaintances during her adventure, Dave stumbles a bit looking for the words he wants, then says, "See, this is why I never invite people to stop by. Because you just never know when they're not gonna understand that I'm lying!" By the way, while in Kentucky, Liv and son visited Big Bone Lick State Park, the birthplace of vertebrate paleontology. The name comes from the fact that wooly mammoths would journey there to lick the salt.

••• Trampled by Turtles sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/16/14 [4059]: It's been a while. Dave reports that Pope Francis is considering doing away with the celibacy requirement for priests. For the first time since 2/05/13, we see the "girls in the balcony screaming" clip. (x 2) •••

monologue: (I played the Dave and won!)

(Dave): "Last night here in New York City, the weather was crazy! Paul?"

(Paul): "Nuts!"

(Dave): "Thunder... Oh, my God... rattling around the city... Lightning... a lot of lightning strikes. And lightning here in New York City will hit the tallest structure. For example, the brand new Freedom One Tower... struck by lightning. Empire State Building... struck by lightning. Mayor de Blasio... struck by lightning! He's huge!"

(me): Thinking Dave would mention Mayor de Blasio first was my only mistake.

••• Here's a report from CNN on Pope Francis.
(photo): outdoors at the Vatican

(voice-over): "Pope Francis has proposed repealing clerical celibacy, a practice which dates back to the beginning of the Catholic church. The pope made the announcement to a group of bishops today at the Vatican, then took several hours of questions."

(Pope Francis, as far as you know, speaking softly): "When two people love each other very much, they become more than just good friends. Eventually they might get married, and have a baby."

(shot of the bishops, listening intently)

(Pope Francis): "The mommy and daddy make the baby together, but it grows inside the mommy."

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "Jeff Carmichael, CNN."

••• screaming girls in the balcony, again, at Dave's mention of priests not being celibate ••• The Fire Department of New York has put out its 2015 calendar. / video:
(calendar photo)

(female voice-over): "The FDNY calendar is here, and it's sizzlin' hot! A full year of shirtless, hunky heroes! Also available, the companion calendar: "Just the Shirts."

(rapid-fire photo gallery)

(voice-over): "All the sexy, stylish shirts the firefighters weren't wearing. Mmmm. Smokin'!"

(photo): FDNY logo

(voice-over): "The FDNY: the calendar people."

••• monologue: "George W. Bush just had knee replacement surgery. It's a very expensive operation, but not as expensive as Operation Iraqi Freedom." ••• U. S. News & World Report reports from its survey that the #1 hospital in New York City is the New York-Presbyterian University Hospital of Columbia and Cornell. (That's where Dr. O. Wayne Isom saved Daddy on 1/14/00.) Dave says it's a beautiful place. Wouldn't you know it! The control room's screwing around. It's Jeter's place. Dave grumbles, and the boys downstairs try again. Nope. That's Osama's shack in Abbotabad.


Jeter's place

••• Last night was the last All-Star Game for Derek Jeter. What about tonight? / video:

(clip): Two kitties are playing on some rocks.

(Chris Berman play-by-play): "Waaay back. Waaay back. Back, back, back, back, back, back! Gone!"

(The kitty falls about a foot.)

(graphic): "Chris Berman presents: The Kittycat Derby."

(female voice-over): "The Kittycat Derby will continue in a moment, only on Animal Planet."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Money Saving Tip": "When purchasing goods or services, pay less than the agreed-upon price." / a plug for the Volkswagen Turbocharged Sales Event. •••

desk chat:

Dave starts to set up the TTL with a little talk about Comcast, the cable company, asking the audience if they're evil. (applause) Pop! Below Dave on the backdrop, we hear and see a floodlight pop, with a flash of light. Dave ad libs, "No, Mrs. Lincoln, he's fine." He looks over at Nancy Agostini, "Honest to God, what was that?" Nancy answers, "A light bulb." Dave goes into the backdrop in search of the offending bulb, but the 'splosion was not where he's looking. He's several feet away. Then Nancy misleads him when she thinks it was above him. No, it was really on the floor. Head electrician Shawn Walters comes out. He thinks it was above. No. Dave introduces himself, then loses interest. He says, "You think when you're a little kid, 'Oh, one day I'll get my own show, and it'll be a lot of fun!' " (video)
••• We hear a telephone recording of a disastrous customer service call. / Top Ten Things Said by a Crazy Customer Service Representative •••
Emma Stone is in to plug Woody Allen's Magic in the Moonlight. For whatever reason, Woody was never mentioned. I've been waiting for this since her appearance was announced a couple of weeks ago. I do believe she is my favorite! She is extensively easy on the eyes, and as smart, funny and open a talk show guest as you could ask for.

The film was set in the South of France. (Dave motors through there on his visits to Italy.) It's a romantic comedy, and it looks at the spiritualist movement of the 1920s. Harry Houdini crusaded against fake mystics, but Emily says she's into the "metaphysical realm." Dave says, "I've had experiences that I think are psychic."

Dave says, "Someone, a very close friend of ours, passed away a couple of years ago. Sometimes I believe I am being contacted, in very subtle... but the corridor of interest is so narrow that it could only be her." I believe he is referring, without naming her, to his former makeup artist, Michele O'Callaghan, who passed away on Dec. 16, 2011. (On Dec. 19, 2011, Dave delivered a five-minute eulogy for Michele, saying, "You loved her, you weren't sure how you felt about her or you were scared silly.") Have a look at this photo I took of the backdrop behind Dave's desk on June 2. There's a small picture of Michele. Dave says, "She doesn't say anything to me. Things come to my head." The audience is laughing. I don't think they all realize that Dave is sincere. He continues, "If you go much farther in this, it will become a full-blown mockery." Emma replies, "I'm full-blown nuts, Dave." She says, "You're open to it. I think it only happens to people who are open to it." Emma has had metaphysical experiences. She says that things materialize. She says, "There's a long family history with quarters. My grandfather leaves quarters." (She never met him.)

Emma's fellow actor, Colin Firth, will be on the show tomorrow. "He's a nightmare," Emma informs us. "He's a toolbag."

Dave goes back to the metaphysical after commercial, telling Emma, "Earlier in the show a light popped, and we think that was our friend." Emma says, "You promise you're not just goofing around, right?" Dave says, "I'm not goofin' around. Yes, I believe that's her." Emma says sincerely, "I love this so much. I mean, I really do. I think we should all open our minds and our hearts to magic."

We get a peek at the film. (Dave): "What are we going to see?" (Emma): "Oh... a clip!"

As you can see, I was fascinated with this interview. If you'd like to see more of Emma, here's her interview with Dave on 6/25/12. Also, here is video from tonight's episode.

••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Annette Guardabascio, manager, talent travel and page operations. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Live on Letterman with St. Vincent, earlier tonight ••• Nathan Fielder plugs Comedy Central's Nathan for You. ••• American Authors have a number from their album Oh, What a Life. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [St. Vincent does a Live on Letterman webcast at 9 ET.]

7/17/14 [4060]: Did you see the All-Star Game last night? Those who did got a real treat. / video:

The pitcher tosses wide to walk the batter. The batter crumples to the ground, wallowing around and grasping his lower left shin, just like a World Cup Soccer player does every few minutes. We hear boos and catcalls from the crowd.
••• People love Pope Francis. He's thinking about doing away with the requirement of celibacy for priests. / video: We see an old guy in a bar, dancing with two babes in naughty outfits. The crack Late Show FX team has added a bishop's mitre to the old guy's noggin. ••• Since the Cold War days, we've had the Emergency Broadcast System, which is tested on a regular basis. Now the FCC has updated the system, and the POTUS can interrupt programming on his own initiative. / interruption:
(graphic): Seal of the President of the United States

(voice-over): "We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch."

(His Majesty, Barack Obama): "A good bowl of matzo ball soup."

(photo): a good bowl of matzo ball soup

(FX): "yes" bell

(Seal of the President of the United States, voice-over and Herb Alpert music): "This concludes today's 'Presidential Lunch Update.' "

••• Comcast has apologized after a recording of terrible customer service surfaced this week. / video:
(graphic): Comcast® logo

(clips): a call center in action

(upbeat female voice-over): "Comcast® apologizes for the way our call center representative handled the customer attempting to cancel his service. In response, we've developed an online method to quickly close your account. Simply submit your name and accont number to:
WWW.COMCAST.COM/CUSTOMER/CUSTOMER-SERVICE/HELP-AND-SUPPORT/PHONE-AND-INTERNET/MY-SERVICE/MODIFY-SERVICE/MOVING-TRANSFER-OR-CANCEL-SERVICE/CANCEL-SERVICE/CANCELLATION-INSTRUCTIONS/CANCELLATION-AGREEMENT/CANCELLATION/CANCELLING-SERVICE/CANCEL-SERVICE/CANCEL/CANCEL_NOW.HTML.
A message from Comcast®. We drink all we can. The rest, we sell."

••• An indigenous tribe in Brazil has been discovered. They have no awareness of the rest of the world. So... the Amazonian Indigenous Peoples' Institute has made a video that violates the Prime Directive and lets them know what's going on out there. It's fascinating. / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music): "Recorded History Wrap Up"

(clips from moments in history + voice-over): "3400 B.C.: Humans develop written language. 1969: Man walks on the moon. / Neil Armstrong's famous words / 2014: Scientists invent the golf club urinal.

(infomercial for uroclub.com / female voice-over): "It looks like an ordinary golf club, but contains a reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself."

(clip): An old-timer lowers the privacy flap, unscrews the cap on the reservoir, deploys Jerry and whizzes to his bladder's content. No one on the course notices the privacy flap being deployed, or the long, motionless pause. Only $19.95.

(title graphic and male voice-over): "See you next time on 'Recorded History Wrap Up.' "

(me): The web site claims, "created by a board-certified urologist." It looks more like the work of a licensed plumber to me.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I just learned some interesting information on velour. Excuse me while I go update the Wikipedia page. / a plug for HP® ••• Todd Seda comes out to set up his latest adventure, "Todd at the 2014 All-Star Game." Before rolling the latest video, Dave asks for Todd's secrets to his meteoric success in his five-year tour of duty as an intern.
  1. Listen to what everyone says.
  2. Be quick with the copy machine.
  3. Quick with the coffee.
  4. Just have a good time!
Todd went to Minneapolis for the big game. He reports, "It's like a cleaner, friendlier, nicer version of Cleveland."
Todd starts with interviews:

(with Adam Jones of the Baltimore Orioles): "What's your walk-up song to home plate?" (Adam): "California Love." (Todd): "What do you think mine would be?" (Adam): " 'Play That Funky Music White Boy.' "

tossing the ball with Josh Donaldson of the Oakland Athletics, with Dave Winfield, with Miguel Cabrera of the Detroit Tigers, with Brandon Moss of the Oakland Athletics, with Todd Frazier of the Cincinnati Reds, with Clayton Kershaw of the Los Angeles Dodgers, more with Adam Jones: Todd claims Adam owns 15 tabby cats / (Adam): "What's a tabby cat?", with David Price of the Tampa Bay Rays: (Todd): "Ever take a leak during a game?" (David): "Not on purpose, no.", and presenting a Yankee Candle to Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees

David Price isn't pitching, so he and Todd head to the Mall of America to play the Sega UFO Catcher, have some merry-go-round and roller coaster action, and share a cool beverage / (David): "We're best friends." (Todd): "Yeah. We are."

(animated graphic): a Todd bobblehead

(me): Todd's adventures have been the best new feature of the show in years, and my server stats show searches on his name bringing a lot of people to my site! (video)

•••
Colin Firth plugs Woody Allen's Magic in the Moonlight. He has hipster black glasses now, so it's hard to recognize him. Colin is a CBE (Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire), but sadly reports that he's not the most influential in his household. He keeps trying, however, and is known to say, "I command thee" from time to time.

Of making the film with the incredible Emma Stone in the South of France, Colin says it was "extraordinarily idyllic." He goes on to say, "You wake up talented." Woody Allen isn't known for rehearsing. Also, if the scene makes the cut, you know if you hear the crew packing up for the next scene.

Dave tells Colin, "If I could be half as charming as you are, the rest of the world could just kiss my ass." Colin's response is, "I was born British."

Magic in the Moonlight opens on July 25.

••• [The Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City is closing soon.] / Top Ten Reasons the Trump Plaza Casino Is Closing / animation: Donald Trump's hair blowing in the wind (or barking... not sure which) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: a plug for St. Vincent's Live on Letterman, and "Stay tuned for a comprehensive list of things you shouldn't poke." ••• Tommy Johnagin does stand-up. ••• St. Vincent sings. We've seen them on the Late Show on 6/24/09 and 8/29/11. Of their performance in 2011, I wrote of lead singer Annie Clark, "She's beautiful, but that performance was pretty far out there." That may be an understatement. She didn't speak to Dave in the post-performance greeting. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/18/14: REPEAT FROM 6/24/14

7/21/14 [4061]: Wake the kids, phone the neighbors. It's a big show tonight. ••• Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon 45 years ago yesterday. / monologue:

"But when we landed on the moon, everybody remembers what they were doin', and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong... those famous words. We remember what he said, just before he left the capsule and stepped down to the surface of the moon. And he said, 'Out of my way, Buzz!' "
••• How about that British Open? Jack Nicklaus has 18 major titles. Tiger Woods has 14, which is great, but sometimes things don't go his way. We see a clip from the 17th hole yesterday. / video: Tiger swings. Whap! The ball flies! It pops off a tree. People watching go, "Ohhhhh!" Before long, the boomerang ball lands near Tiger and rolls to him. He picks it up, to the amazement of his fans. ••• monologue:
"Anyway, what I was gettin' around to. A 105-year-old woman... this is what I'm talkin' about. There's more news about older people. 105-year-old woman in San Diego threw out the first pitch at a ball game. Wow! And I... it's great to see Barbara Walters is still active, I think." (applause) "She then went on to pitch seven scoreless innings."

(We're not done.)

"But aside from being just 105 years old, she's in the Baseball Hall of Fame. She's the only woman who has slept with both Alex Rodriguez and Babe Ruth."

••• Do you send your kid to camp? Then, the second night, you get a call at 3 a.m., "We think your kid has hepatitis." (me): Sounds like Camp Granada to me. Joe Spivey developed poison ivy. Leonard Skinner got ptomaine poisoning after dinner, and Allan's bunkmate has malaria. Here's an advertisement for a new summer camp. / video:
(photos): smiling, happy kids

(voice-over): "Parents, give your child the summer of a lifetime at Paperwork Camp. The fun starts with a 17-page application. Upon arrival, campers fill out bunk preference forms! Each day is a whirlwind of activities, such as filing affidavits, claim submissions, surveys, questionnaires, evaluations, reports, assessments, assessments of reports and report assessments. Plus, every activity has its own liability waiver. Paperwork Camp: preparing kids for adulthood since 1974."

(me): Come back with me to the thrilling days of yesteryear. Have a look at a promo video from July 23, 1992 for Dave's Weasel Farm and Theology Camp, with voice-overs by Bill Wendell.

••• We're seeing lots of new Clinton books. Out tomorrow is Clinton, Inc.. It's about the Clintons' maneuverings to return to wealth and political power. There's quite a promotion for the book. / video:
(voice-over and dramatic music): "Don't miss Clinton, Inc., the sizzling new exposé about the audacious Clinton political machine. And, coming soon, Clinton, Inc. REVEALED, the steamy tell-all that divulges the shocking secrets behind the sizzling exposé about the audacious Clinton machine. And, just announced, Clinton, Inc. Revealed EXPOSED, the unbelievable behind-the-scenes tale of how one shocking exposé broke apart a sizzling, tell-all book that revealed the secret machinations of the audacious Clinton political machine. And if you like this comedy piece, you'll love This Comedy Piece UNMASKED, the jaw-dropping documentary which lays bare the secret back dealings which went into producing this biting satire."

(shot of a Barnes & Noble®)

(voice-over): "Available at all major bookstore parking lots."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey! If I ever hear you refer to a sweet potato as a yam, friendship over." / a plug for Intel® •••

(desk chat):

Dave wants to tell us about tonight's performance of the 1968 "MacArthur Park." Many of us from that era remember it as long (about seven minutes) and mysterious. Paul interjects, "It was oblique lyrically. It talked about things like leaving a cake out in the rain." The subject changes to hippies. Dave says there were people who didn't like hippies, actual hippies, and people who pretended to be hippies. (Dave owned some bell-bottom pants. Paul had a Nehru jacket.)

A while back, Dave and Harry were in the car with satellite radio on, and heard Donna Summer's version of "MacArthur Park." Everyone knows her "Last Dance." Tonight I listened to her version of "MacArthur Park" on iTunes. I don't remember it, but it's great. Brian Wilson has a version, too. Dave heard those, plus Richard Harris's original version, on satellite radio that day in the car. Eventually Harry hollered, "Please! No more cake!"

Dave asked Paul and the CBS Orchestra to cover the song on the Late Show. So... they're bringing in a 22-piece orchestra. The great Will Lee will sing it, and the composer, Jimmy Webb, is here to play it along with Paul, who mentions Jimmy's 2013 "Still Within the Sound of my Voice."

The original song was about 6:45. Paul thinks their version will come in at about 6:00, and there's going to be enough cake for everybody.

•••
Jeff Daniels is in to talk about the next season of HBO's The Newsroom. Three days after winning a 2013 Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series, Jeff was on the set making Dumb and Dumber To, showing butt crack. The film opens in November. Jeff happily reports that Daniels' and Carrey's characters "haven't gained an ounce" of intelligence in the intervening 20 years!
••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Shawn Walters, head electrician. (We last saw Shawn five days ago, when the floodlight popped.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "What's the word for that thing in your mouth? It's driving me crazy! It's right on the tip of that thing in my mouth." •••
Norah O'Donnell of CBS This Morning has her first interview with Dave. It will be funny and interesting, and will get some press coverage. It begins with a discussion of dogs as pets. So far, Norah's kids only have a robot dog. Of course, we see the "mad dog" photo of Mr. Sully Letterman.

Dave wants to talk about Russia's involvement with shooting down Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17, a Boeing 777, on July 17, by pro-Russia separatists over eastern Ukraine. He points out that in 1988, the U. S. Navy accidentally shot down an Iranian passenger jet. There was some financial compensation much later on, but never an apology by the United States. (Bob Schieffer sends his best, by the way.)

Norah points out that the people who did it had training and financial backing from Russia, whether or not they were instructed to do what they did. Norah reports that 150 vehicles came across the border last week. She says this time is "a terrible time in U.S./Russian relations." Because we didn't take action over Syria, Putin thinks he can do whatever he wants. This is a test for President Obama. Norah says that very soon there will be a turning point, and Putin will "decide to thumb his nose at the international community, or he will at least pull back."

Dave says, "This is a job for Seal Team Six. Call them, and kill the guy!" Norah's staying out of that discussion. She says, "You're not advocating violence!" Dave replies, "Not advocating violence, but he's just a psychopath. He doesn't care. He just couldn't care less, and sanction... what does he care? He's got all the...exactly. Yeah, exactly. Seal Team Six... Could we schedule a party? We'd like you to deliver a pizza to Vladimir Putin."

••• The CBS Orchestra, a big orchestra, composer Jimmy Webb and Will Lee perform "MacArthur Park." I spotted the guy who always plays French horn for "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." The performance came in at 05:45.
From Tom "Bones" Malone, here's a listing of all the musicians: flutes: Liz Mann & Helen Campo, oboe: Aaron Heick, clarinet: Dan Willis, french horns: Stuart Rose & John Clark, trumpets: Frank David Greene, John Chudoba & Ross Konikoff, trombones: Tom Bones Malone, Birch Johnson & David Taylor, percussion: David Rozenblatt, synthesizer: Clifford Carter, violins: Karen Karlsrud (concertmaster), Lorenza Ponce, Cenovia Cummins, Pauline Kim Harris, Avril Brown, Belinda Whitney & Elena Barere, violas: Deb Shufelt-Dine & Mary Hammann, cello: Stephanie Cummins & Christine Kim, keyboards: Paul Shaffer & Jimmy Webb, guitar: Sid McGinnis & Felicia Collins, drums: Anton Fig, bass & vocal: Will Lee, arranged by Tom Bones Malone
••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/22/14 [4062]: Hercules is set to open on July 25. Dave begged his Hollywood pals for a preview. / video:

(clips of Hercules being fierce)

(voice-over): "The strength of a god. The suffering of a human. If fate is tempted, can the world be saved by Hercules? Starring The Rock ("no" buzzer), Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson ("no" buzzer), Dwayne 'The Johnson' Rock ("no" buzzer), John 'The Dwayne' Rockson ("no" buzzer), Rayne 'The Jock' Dwohnson ("no" buzzer), Dwayne's Rocky Johnson ("no" buzzer), Johnsonville Brocks ("no" buzzer), Johnnny Rockets ("no" buzzer), Rock-a-Bye Dwayney ("no" buzzer). Hercules: in theaters Friday."

••• A new reality show, Dating Naked premiered on July 17. There have been complaints. / video:
(photo of a nekked couple, outside, lounging around)

(voice-over): "We would like to register our complete and utter disgust with the new VH1 show, Dating Naked." (more nekked clips) "It is, without a doubt, the most heinous, morally offensive show ever to be aired on television,..." (the clips keep coming) "...and we will do everything in our power to see that production ceases immediately. A message from chairs." (photo of a long-suffering chair)

(Dave): "You were thinking, during the whole thing there, 'Hmm. How are they going to make this more unpleasant?' Well, by God, we did, didn't we?" (control room shows the photo of one of the chairs that endured an unclothed hiney) "We found a way!"

••• How about that Prince George, the year-old royal baby? The mother is Kate Hudson Moss Middleton. This called for a royal birthday party. / exclusive video:
(CNN video): The tyke's out skiing (in shallow water). Mom's running alongside. Now that's a party!
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "To be safe, always chew liquids." (My 4th-grade teacher told us to chew our milk.) / a plug for IHOP®: Everything you about breakfast. •••

desk chat:

On July 9, Dave made quite a fuss about the Volkswagen GTI he owned long ago. He was very nostalgic about it. He wanted to drive one again, to relive the experience. Now word has come from the North American CEO of Volkswagen, Dieter von Dieterschtüben Strasse (a fun name the writers made up), that he'll give Dave a car. (photo of Michael Horn, I think, the real CEO) Now Dave claims Ford is upset with him for "yakking up" a foreign car. Anyway, if someone says no to an offer of a free car, there's something wrong with them. (photo of the Volkswagen Golf) "Dieter" already has said yes.

Dave says the Ford people aren't going to be left out. (photo of a red Ford Mustang) He wants that red Mustang, too, because a lot of people have two cars. Ford's going to agree to this proposal. It's just a matter of contacting them. It'll be the same deal as he has with Dieter von Dieter something-something. Once Dave's test-driven the autos for a while, Dave will bring 'em both in the theater and give 'em away to the audience! (Or maybe the companies will donate them for a raffle for charity.) One other thing: gotta have a manual transmission, and a five-speed or six-speed. It's a win-win. Ford and VW get all the publicity they can stand! Dave looks over at Nancy Agostini and asks her to clear the deal he's dreamed up with Ford.

•••

desk chat:

After commercials (during which the CBSO played "Mustang Sally"), Dave announces that he's in trouble with the control room. The stated offense is free publicity for auto makers. Dave's on a roll tonight. He claims he called the Mayo Clinic during the commercial break. When he described the free car deal, a "top guy" at the Mayo Clinic said that if someone doesn't like this kind of sweet deal, there's something wrong with them. They'd better march themselves up to Rochester and take the cure.
•••
Here's an exceptional interview with Ricky Gervais, who's in to plug Derek, his series on Netflix. (Beware of the danger of electricianexecution when using the Netflix.) All the way through, I was wondering how to do this appearance justice. My answer: lots of quotes from Ricky and Dave. (Head over to the Wahoo Gazette for a professional write-up.) Ricky's loaded with humorous takes on retirement, and Dave and Ricky do a great job of playing off each other. Ricky states that it's his 26th appearance, but Don Giller and I agree that it's his 23rd.

Dave begins by informing Ricky that The Office is the funniest show ever. Ricky reports that it's coming back! He then changes the subject to Dave's retirement, and announces that it's not allowed.

Ricky makes his case. "You see, you think you're gonna spend more time with your family, but they've got a routine. You're gonna be in the way. You're gonna be spending a lot of time in a shed, pretending to do stuff. You're gonna get a shed, and you're gonna putter around, and you're gonna see 'em at meal times, and what... and also, you're gonna miss this. You're sittin' down. Other people are talkin'. You're getting millions. Now you're gonna have to sit around and listen to people talk, and you're thinking, 'I'm not earning a thing for this.' (Ricky is cracking Dave up. He slaps the top of his desk.)

Ricky's on a roll. "You're just like me, in the sense that you hate other people, right?" Dave: "Now, wait a minute!" Ricky: "No, no, no, no. I hide it. It's quite obvious with you." Dave hollers: "I'm givin' away cars! How can I hate people?"

Ricky goes on to explain, "You can get out of stuff because you're working. When someone says, 'Oh, come over,' you can't say, 'I'm in the shed,' so you're going to have to go!" Dave: "You're exactly right. I've made a terrible mistake! The worst decision of my life. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do! That part, in particular, I never gave any thought to. I will no longer have the excuse, 'Oh, you know what, I'm working.' I won't have that." Ricky: "No one will give you cars anymore."

And what about Paul? Ricky: "You're going to have to take him home with you, like kids do with the school hamster on break."

After commercials, Dave asks Ricky about the original The Office on the BBC. Dave: "How did they buy it?" Ricky: "I shot a demo. If I'd have sent off that script, it'd still be in someone's drawer. I mean, 'Man says unfunny thing... touches tie... looks at camera.' It doesn't jump off the page. I mean, they had to see it."

Ricky's nominated for another Emmy. He's won two, but "lost lots." Dave asks Ricky if he prepares an acceptance speech each time he's nominated. Ricky: "You just go up there and say thank you. I have to think of people to thank, because I don't have to thank anyone. I did it all myself."

Ricky has a final bit of advice for Dave: "Don't die with loads of money left over. No one deserves it. Let's spend it all! ... Like Thelma and Louise, let's get all our money out, right, and just drive across America, naked and afraid, just throwing money out!"

Dave says, "When I announced my retirement, it coincided with my 67th birthday. And I thought, When I announce my retirement, there's probably somethin' wrong with me. I'll probably drop dead, anyway. That's what I thought. So I go to the doctor for a physical. I've never been healthier in my life!" He goes on, "Because I was thinkin' everyone would say, 'Oh, no wonder he's retiring." (mimics slashing his throat) "Ain't gonna happen."

Hey, did Ricky ever marry that woman he's been hanging with for 30 years? Ricky cracks up at Dave's choice of words. Dave: "Will you one day get married?" Ricky: "There's no point. We don't need any more toasters. We don't want our families to meet. That would be terrible."

Dave asks Ricky, "What about a family of your own?" Ricky: "Kids are sponges. They don't give you anything back. Keep all your money. Let's spend all your money together." The two gents will ride away, Dave in the Mustang, Ricky in the Volkswagen, throwing away money.

Dave: "The first thing I have to do is start lookin' for a job." Ricky: "I'd love to see you go for interviews in shoe shops and stuff."

Dave was out fly fishing the other day. A dog got caught up in his fishing line. The dog's owner lady said, "You look like David Letterman." Lady: "I'm going to tell my mother that I met you." Dave: "Oh, no, don't. She'll cut you out of the will." For Dave's retirement, the lady suggested that Dave get a show like Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, except Dave could have people come by and talk to him while he fishes.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, tomorrow's guests and, "It's the kind of show that will make you say, 'This is one happenin' planet!' "••• Taylor Schilling plugs Orange Is the New Black. She's decided that prison isn't the best solution for every crook. She proposes an Adopt-a-Prisoner program. ••• desk chat: Dave claims Ford is in on his scheme. Ford to customers: "We gave Dave a car. Now you buy one." ••• The Eli Young Band sing. They're from Denton, Texas. I grew up in Denton, Kansas. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/23/14: (See the July 22 desk chat.) So, this happened today.

7/23/14 [4063]: Dave's audience shout outs come in all shapes and sizes. Tonight's the first sneezed shout out. Dave winds up and lets her rip: "Saskatoon!" (Are you supposed to put sneezes in quotation marks?) ••• No doubt you and the family have been looking forward the "Late Show Summer Fun Spectacular." Let's get to the details. / video:

(animated, summery title graphic and peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "It's the 'Late Show Summer Fun Spectacular!' "

(another man's voice-over): "Coming next summer."

••• Do you enjoy commercials for restaurant chains that are thinly disguised as comedy sketches? Of course you do! / video:
(logos and action clips)

(upbeat female voice-over): "Come on down to TGI Fridays for our new Endless Appetizer™ special! That's all the appetizers you want, for just ten bucks! And when we say endless, we mean endless. Endless Appetizers™ with dinner." (clips of delighted customers) "Endless Appetizers™ on the drive home!" (clip of a bride and groom pausing their wedding ceremony for appetizers / Hey, isn't the clergyman Jay Johnson?) "Endless Appetizers™ wherever you go!" (delivery room appetizers) "Endless Appetizers™ whatever you're doing." (graduation) "Endless Appetizers™ as the decades fly by." (The guy who we've been seeing is now middle-aged.) "Endless Appetizers™ into your golden years." (Just set the plate on his coffin.) "Endless Appetizers™ on and on and on. TGI Fridays. Now open on Fridays!"

••• monologue:
"A couple of days ago, the bat signal was replaced by white flags. Did you read about that? Here's what happened. Pranksters, they believe, climbed up to the Brooklyn Bridge... took down the American flags and put up the big, white flags. And they don't know who. They don't know why. And I thought, 'I wish somebody would climb up Donald Trump and replace that thing on his head.' " (This was a long setup to show the animation of Donald Trump's hair.) (with sound FX)
••• Last night, Dave got sideways with the nice people in the control room. They were steamed because his desk chat amounted to free commercials for Volkswagen and Ford. (From the tweet above, you can see how it turned out.)
Dave: "These days in electronic media, it's all about product placement, because they make devices where you can just blow right through the commercials. In the old days, you had to sit through the commercials. Now you don't have to sit through the commercials. You can go out and look for an apartment. You don't care. And so, the other night, I was talking about a car company, and another car company, and I got in a lot of trouble, because they said, 'We don't want you talkin' about car companies.' And I thought you wanted to integrate commercials into program content. And they said, 'Yeah, but not from you! We don't want you... we don't want you doin' it.' But they do it in films all the time. And there's a movie out right now, Sex Tape. You know the one I'm talkin'... Cameron Diaz? Well, take a look at this commercial tie-in. It's fantastic!"
(clip): Cameron Diaz in little red underpants

(voice-over): "Now playing in theaters everywhere, it's the hilarious comedy, Sex Tape." (more clips) "And if you like the movie Sex Tape, you'll love 3M's new extra-strength Sex Tape™." (product photo) "Use it for all your sex adhesive needs. Whether you want to secure a loose bedpost, cover unsightly moles and birthmarks, or just wrap it around your junk..."

(Mike Leech in his living room, wrapping tape around his lower abdomen: "Yeah! This is going to be hottt!"

(voice-over concludes): "3M Sex Tape™: available wherever fake products are sold."

••• "Other Gay Milestones in Television History" / video:
(title graphic)

(female voice-over): "Friends. The first lesbian wedding. Dawson's Creek: The first passionate kiss between two men. The Honeymooners: The first same-sex, intimate proposition."

(b&w clip of Art Carney and Jackie Gleason in bed): Art makes his move. Jackie reacts negatively.

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Other Gay Milestones in Television History.' "

•••
interruption: Billy Crystal shows up at Dave's monologue mark, as the CBSO play the Late Show theme. While walking by the theater, Billy noticed how quiet it was, so he knew the monologue was underway. Dave wants to know what's new. "Same old, same old," Billy says, then turns to the camera to add, "Except for my recent Emmy nomination for 700 Sundays. Voting has started, Academy members." And what's new with Dave? "Uh, I think I have low T." Billy's helpful reply, "At least now you have an answer!" Now Billy's headed over to interrupt Fallon, whoever that is.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Might Be True": "A Norwegian chews by keeping his jaw still and just moving the rest of his head." / a plug for DiGiorno® ••• desk chat: A lady from Fresno's in the audience. What does that mean, anyway? It's the Spanish word for ash tree. ••• Carlos Slim is back for another visit, this time about his call for a three-day work week.
(Carlos, translated from Spanish): "Aloha, friends. I am Carlos Slim, the richest man in the world! I am so rich! So, so rich! I have more money than you, you or you! And a lot more money than you! Ha ha ha! Listen to me--tell your boss you're only going to work three days a week, and if he doesn't like it, tough tamale. Ha ha! Really stick it to him! Ha ha ha! Hey, hey, what are you doing right now? Eating corn dogs? Of course you are. Okay, when I say Carlos, you say Slim! Ready? Carlos!" (shot of the audience) Carlos! Carlos! Enough! That was a billion dollars' worth of fun! Ha ha ha! Seriously, have a great summer."
••• Shannon Eis is in with summer toys.
  1. Zoomer Dino Boomer - $60
    It has gyroscopes inside, so it can do stunts like balancing. No! Don't let Dave have the remote control. Dave boots Boomer from the demo table. He ends up on his back, kicking like a bug.

  2. Sky Gliders - 2 for $15
    It launches with kind of a bungee cord. Dave really takes to these, and there are several for him to terrorize the audience with. It's basically a slingshot for a glider instead of a rock.

  3. Jumping Sumo - $160
    It also has gyroscopes. You can have it jump off the floor, assuming you have an iPad for remote control. The CBSO play "Jump."

  4. Air Hogs RC Helix X4 Stunt Quad Copter - $75
    Dave flies it over the audience.

  5. Passback Football - $35
    You throw it at a wall, and it comes back to you. Dave's shoulder must be getting better.

  6. The PonyCycle, in a smaller version, is $250. This new on will go for more.
    I get an A for the day. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. As soon as I saw that hoss, I knew the CBSO would play the theme from Bonanza while Dave rode it. It's an exercise toy (until you have to put it down and send it to the glue factory). Dave rides the contraption offstage. End of segment.

••• out of commercials: We see the hoss, unceremoniously dumped on the 53rd St. sidewalk.

•••

Eric Stonestreet's in to plug Modern Family, which needs no introduction. We'll not be talking about the show, as there are other topics to cover. Eric and his mother have been plugging Swiffer®, the miracle sweeper. The Wet Jet® will change your life! We see a photo of Eric, his mother and dog, Coleman, at the home place.

Our top story is Eric's new meat slicer, but let's have a commercial break, shall we?

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "For more information, consult CBS president and CEO Les Moonves." •••
more Eric Stonestreet

The meat slicer isn't a Hobart®, but a fine quality Globe®. It set Eric back about $1,000. Dave warns him to be careful with the thing. Eric offers to send Dave a slicer of his own. Dave declines, because he'd get his tie caught in it, and that would be that. We see home video of Eric and the slicer, working on baloney. Eric has the OSHA safety warning sign in his kitchen. Aw, he doesn't need all his fingers, anyway! It's been 2½ weeks of slicing heaven.

Eric's a fellow Kansas State alum (class of '95). He's a huge fan of Bill Snyder's football team, and we often see him at home games, bowl games, etc. Here's a photo of Eric and Coach Snyder joking around before our Fiesta Bowl pep rally.

••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Vinny Napolitano and Carly Green, talent researchers. ••• Brody Dalle sings "Diploid Love." ••• Alan Kalter says good night ••• with credits: a final look at the hoss on the sidewalk

7/24/14 [4064]: "Good Enough for July." / video:

(summery title graphic and peppy synthesizer theme song)

(opening scene): a foot-long frankfurter on a plate

(animation): "The 'furter splits in two, becomes two legs and stands up, then transforms into a transformer (minus a head).

(voice-over): "Transfurters."

(summery title graphic and new voice-over): " 'Good Enough for July' is a presentation of The Science Fiction Meal Council."

••• Scarlett Johansson has a new movie, Lucy, about a woman who uses 100% of her brain. It opens tomorrow. What we'll see this evening might be described as a trilogy. Let's get right to the first "People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain." / video:
(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

A small boat with a tall mast sails under a drawbridge. The mast hits the bridge and breaks into three sections.

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

••• "People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain." / video:
(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

(outdoor scene): We see an extremely steep hill. A big tractor tire is started down a hill, and soon hits a half-pipe that sends it airborne. The tire returns to earth right smack on an imbecile who's downhill from the halfpipe. The dimwit groans in agony after impact.

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

••• "People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain." / video:
(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

(CNN coverage of President George W. Bush, at a lectern, June 4, 2006): "Yeah. Uh, I think... tide turning... See, as I remember it... I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of... It's easy to see a tide turn. Did I say those words?"

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "Lighthouses alert ship captains to the locations of lighthouses." / a plug for Kia Optima •••

"Small Town News"

  • Naples Daily News, Naples, Florida: advertisement: "Try our new Viaggra Wrap."

  • Stokes News, Walnut Cove, North Carolina: classified ad: "Community Yard Sale / Saturday, May 32 / 7 a.m. until 1 p.m."

  • Flathead Beacon, Kalispell, Montana: police blotter: "A dispatcher overheard a car full of girls singing 'This Is How You Jiggle' during an accidental call to 911."

  • Terre Haute Tribune Star, Terre Haute, Indiana: classified ad: "FISH TO STALK YOUR POND."

  • Snoqualmie Valley Record, Snoqualmie, Washington: police report: "A caller... told police there had been two bears in front of his house, but he'd told them to go home, and they did."

  • Rapid City Journal, Rapid City, South Dakota: correction: "In the Page A4 story, 'Man dies in hot tub at swim center' published Wednesday, the Journal incorrectly reported the condition of the man. He is covering at a local hospital. The Journal deeply regrets the error."

  • The Independent, St. George, Utah: "INTUITIVE (TAROT) CONSULTATIONS $37 PER SESSION / Click here for more information."

  • Banner Press, Marble Hill, Missouri: photo caption: "The signs that designate the former Security Bank building as Marble Hill City Hall were installed last week. Demolition work on the building begins this week."

  • Big Nickel, Sparks, Nevada: want ad: "WILD CAT BROTHEL / MINA, NV. / Needs Women! / For all positions."

  • St. Paul Pioneer Press, St. Paul, Minnesota: police blotter: "Police: Man charged in theft had TV in pants. / It was a 19-inch flat-screen television. He also had several other items, including a remote control, power cords and a bottle of brake fluid."

  • @Barbara_Gaines1 tweeted today that "Small Town News" was begun on the morning show 34 years ago.
•••
Former Army Staff Sergeant and Medal of Honor recipient Ryan Pitts is the latest to be invited by Dave. President Obama presented the award on July 21. Here's a report from the Army.

In 2008, Staff Sergeant Pitts was near the village of Wanat, where he was hit in both legs by shrapnel from rocket-propelled grenades and hand grenades. He crawled to get a tourniquet, then went back to defending his fellow soldiers, critically wounded, for an hour. Nine soldiers were lost, and 27 were wounded. They had been outnumbered 200 to 48.

 
IN MEMORIAM

1st LT. JONATHAN P. BROSTROM OF HONOLULU, HI
SGT. ISRAEL GARCIA OF LONG BEACH, CA
CPL. JONATHAN R. AYERS OF SNELLVILLE, GA
CPL. JASON M. BOGAR OF SEATTLE, WA
CPL. JASON D. HOVATER OF CLINTON, TN
CPL. MATTHEW B. PHILLIPS OF JASPER, GA
CPL. PRUITT A. RAINEY OF HAW RIVER, NC
CPL. GUNNAR W. ZWILLING OF FLORISSANT, MO
SPC. SERGIO S. ABAD OF MORGANFIELD, KY

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay tuned for a sneak peek at trendy new vacuum cleaner bags for fall!" ••• desk chat: Dave reflects on Staff Sergeant Pitts' interview. ••• Sharon Van Etten sings. / iTunes.com/SharonVanEtten ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/25/14: REPEAT FROM 7/10/14

7/28/14 [4065]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from LaCrosse who are expecting a baby CBS viewer on this, their anniversary. We'll check in with them later. •••

monologue:

According to the CDC, handshakes are the most common way diseases are transmitted. Not to worry... the most common greeting in New York City is The Finger. •••

No! Make it stop! Dave serenades that perfectly nice, law-abiding couple from Wisconsin. (MP3) Remember Bill Murray as an airport lounge singer on SNL, back in the 70s? •••

Alright! It's more action-packed episodes of last week's hit series, "People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain." / video:

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

(on a busy sidewalk): A reporter, carrying a microphone, is trying to interrogate a guy who's walking quickly.

(reluctant interview subject): "...already said I won't be making any comment."

(dumbass reporter walks into a signpost while sticking a microphone into the man's face): "Oh, my God!" as he falls down.

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

••• "People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain." / video:
(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

(guy who doesn't use 1% of his brain): He's climbed on top of a scoreboard at a city ball field, to try a stunt he knows is being recorded. He completes an impressive 360° back flip. Instead of landing on planet earth, he instead straddles a chain-link fence upon impact, landing squarely on his junk.

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

(me): We're not being told he's OK.

(Dave): "What do you suppose the objective was? What would have made that a success?"

(Dave, after calling for a replay): "Looks to me like he landed it."

•••

monologue:

"You're not going to believe this. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, and I hope it's not true. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West... apparently trouble. Have you heard this?" ... "Friends say Kim has what they call the 'two-month itch.' Apparently the trouble began somewhere between the words 'I' and 'do.' "
••• "People Who Don't Use 100% of Their Brain." / video:
(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

(George W. Bush, doing a sound check before a speech): "Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House." (looks around for a moment, nods and repeats) "Thanks for coming..."

(title graphic and famous music I can't think of the name of)

••• interruption:
Spider-Man (as far as you know) approaches Dave at his monologue mark, looking for a handout.

Dave grumbles a bit, then forks over $20.

Tickle Me Elmo, attired in plaid shorts and suspenders, approaches Dave from his left side.

Dave: "No. I have no idea who you are."

Spidey gives Elmo a shove. Elmo retaliates.

It's a wrestling match onstage, then into the audience, as the CBSO plays the theme from Rocky. The two combatants exchange blows, with sound FX. They fight their way back through the audience, and into the inner lobby, where they can fight to the death under the portrait of Ed Sullivan.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Classic Moral Dilemma": "Your home is on fire. Do you save your tea caddy, or your tea cozy?" / a plug for Depend® Underwareness® •••

desk chat:

OK... this is going to be all over the place, but it's awesome. I loved it on Late Night when things went wrong, because they never edited.

  1. Colorado and Washington have legalized the sale of weed. The New York Times has endorsed making weed legal in New York State. Dave looks at the floor below him and giggles, then calls for a lighter. (Dave, looking at Paul): "The joke went out." Nancy Agostini comes over to assist. She attempts to shield "the joke" from view as she carries it away.

  2. Dave kills time by discussing the weekend with Paul. He confesses he may have caught fish that weren't legal size. but it's all OK.

  3. awkward silence

  4. Nancy returns with "the joke," now burning.

  5. Dave, to Paul: "So The New York Times has now, in an editorial, endorsed the legalization... sale... of marijuana in New York State."

  6. Over the course of the aforementioned sentence, "the joke" has gone out. Dave, to Nancy: "Sumbitch is dead again!"

  7. Dave, after the audience settle down from major amusement at his difficulties, asks Nancy: "Do you think it would have worked any better with The New York Daily News?"

  8. Dave, to Paul: "It turns out striped bass have to be 26 inches, but black bass, only 18."

  9. Nancy carries "the joke" away, as Dave grumbles, begging to fire up "the joke" himself. Dave, strolling backstage, is informed that the Fire Department won't let him light the thing.

  10. Success! Dave, holding a copy of the Times, rolled up to look like a giant, smoldering reefer, says, "Hey, look! My copy of The New York Times is here!"

  11. Edit: Jerry Foley freeze-frames Dave, adding the graphic: "Have a big, wacky prop idea?"

    "Boing" sound FX and Michael Z. McIntee voice-over: "Do you have a big, wacky prop idea you'd like to see on the Late Show?"

    (graphic and MZM: "Why not keep it to yourself? Back to you, Dave!"

    (Dave sends us to commercial.)

    (me): Could Pat Farmer please provide a blowtorch beside Dave's desk for future use? It could be kept by the fire extinguisher he uses on Richard Simmons.

•••
John C. Reilly plugs Guardians of the Galaxy, which opens on August 1. He got his start in show bidness at Renaissance fairs, I think. I wasn't paying very close attention to him. The bogus clip is awesome. It's Commando Cody!

••• desk chat: Dave doesn't like the Statue of Liberty posers, and he won't give them money. ••• Top Ten Things Said by Costumed Characters in Times Square / #6: a shout out to the LaCrosse couple ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Darlene Barbaro, CBS Client Service Coordinator, with Hugh Jackman ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Thank God for the phrase 'rom com.' I generally don't have time to say 'romantic comedy.' " •••
Rachelle Lefevre plugs Under the Dome. She and Dave mess around with chopsticks for a while.
••• Conor Oberst sings "Bright Eyes." ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Dave made the show tonight.

7/29/14 [4066]: monologue:

"Great news, ladies and gentlemen. You can now buy, and by the way, this is why... I'd like to point out from a sociological standpoint... this is why the rest of the world hates us. In the United States of America, you can buy water... bottled water... that is flavored like chocolate chip cookies. Because, I mean... that's the only way we're gonna keep America hydrated. Am I right, ladies and gentlemen? Now, New York City tap water... looks like it has chocolate chips in it."

"Are you worried... are you like a germophobe? Do you worry about germs? And, by the way, if you ever contact the Centers for Disease Control, they'll be happy to read you a list of two or three dozen new viruses and bacteria floatin' around. It's crazy! And they're worried about a pandemic. And I talked to my doctor, and I said, 'Holy God, is there anything we can do to prevent a pandemic?' And he said, 'Well, you have to sterilize your pan.' "

Dave goes on to say, "The way you get germs is shaking hands. Were you aware of that? From shaking hands. And that's why people... years and years, say, 'Dave, what do you do?' Here's what I do." (Dave mimics shooting his friends with a pistol. This will no doubt go in Mike McIntee's "Odd Dave" file.) (video tutorial)

••• "This Just In" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Mike Kallmeyer, Fox45 anchor, Dayton): "Aretha Franklin... she's speaking out this morning, saying she got no respect from a server at Johnny Rocket's."

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(me): The Queen of Soul was kicked out for simply sitting down at an empty booth to enjoy a hamburger she'd ordered to-go.

••• "MSNBC Highlight of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic intro music)

(photo of crack-loving mayor Rob Ford on a teeter-totter with his brother)

(MSNBC's Louis Burgdorf)1: "The mayor might have gotten the best of his brother on that one."

(MSNBC anchor Thomas Roberts): "The funny thing is, like all typical siblings, the goal is when you're on a seesaw, to jack your sibling off."

(Louis Burgdorf): "Totally."

(title graphic)

(Late Show audience): cheers and applause

(Dave): "I had nothin' to do with that. I got up, put on my suit and came down. That's what I did."

1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

••• Remember Donald Sterling, the old fellow who's forced to sell the Los Angeles Clippers for $2,000,000,000.00? He had one last chance to weasel out of the ruling. Here's video from CNN.
(Clippers photos)

(voice-over): "A California judge ruled Monday that Donald Sterling could not prevent the sale of the Clippers. Per NBA rules, Sterling had one chance to overturn the decision, by making the shot from half court."

(clip): fan shoots for $$$ at halftime of a Clippers game / sticks the basketball between the backboard and the rim

(FX): X plus Late Show "no" buzzer

(graphic): CNN logo and "More news, after this."

••• A Delta pilot, after landing at Atlanta, got on taxiway L instead of M, then got into it with a ground controller. The testy exchange that followed found its way to YouTube.
(ATL ground controller): "Delta 2422, you're supposed to be on Mike."

(Sam Kinison, as the Delta pilot): "Nobody helps you figure this djoy out. We didn't get any pamphlets from the givling government. We didn't know!"

(ATL ground controller): "I'm just saying it looks like you joined Lima instead of Mike."

(Sam Kinison, as the Delta pilot, screaming): "No one will help us. How can we do it?"

(ATL ground controller): "I'm just trying to correct you before it... you... stay on Lima."

(Sam Kinison, as the Delta pilot, screaming): "How the givl did you get this job?!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Central American Putdown": "Belize? Puh-leeze." / a plug for The Lincoln Summer Invitation •••

desk chat:

  1. Paul introduces Mindi Abair, who's sitting in on saxophone. Dave, to Aaron Heick: "I wouldn't worry about it, Aaron. You'll be fine."

  2. Remember Fifty Shades of Grey? Dave decided it was probably not for him. It didn't make his book club, but became a big best-seller, naturally, because it's naughty. Now it's going to be a movie, and Dave' s Hollywood pals sent him an exclusive clip.

    (studly male actor, getting naked): "I don't do romance. My shades are very... singular. You wouldn't understand."

    (cute babe): "Enlighten me, then."

    (We see a male unlocking a door.)

    (David M. Letterman): "Is it time for Monday's show?"

    (graphic): Fifty Shades of Grey

•••
Chris Pratt plugs Guardians of the Galaxy, which opens on August 1. Dave observes that Chris has played a goofball at times, but now he has his whole multidimensional thing going on, and the audience will enjoy it. Chris considers himself a multidimensional stooge. How did Chris get in shape for the film? (Dave thought he was Hercules at first.) Chris explains there was a lot of airbrushing and sit-ups and starving yourself... and a whole team of trainers. Chris claims he weighed 290 pounds before the film. In the next breath, he claims he weighed 390 pounds. Then he says, "I was 10 pounds below 500 pounds." So, in the span of 20 seconds in the interview, he gained 200 pounds! Hmm. Then, he says, when cameras were rolling, he weighed 113 pounds, and four pounds of that was spray tan.

Dave and Chris get into a fun discussion of his son, who's 1.9. The tyke loved backhoes and excavators, and now he's focused on monster trucks. Dave says Harry loved cranes, too. Ha! Chris says, "Just Google Grave Digger." Then Dave says he and Harry would watch a video about "a guy who collected scrap iron and steel, and would take it to the crusher." If you have a girl? Tea parties.

Shecky has fixed Dave up with some crazy-assed black & white clip as the bogus Guardians clip. Both hero and villain end up jumping out of a window... single file. Anyway, Chris enjoyed the bogus clip so much, he takes a pass on the real one!

(me): Mr. Pratt has been married to the incredibly awesome Anna Faris for five years this month, so you have to respect the dude.

•••
Judy Greer plugs FX's Married, and Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. She puts on a lot of sunscreen.
••• Act 5 tonight is Mindi Abair with the CBSO. ••• Rodrigo Y Gabriela play their guitars. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• That's all I'm writing tonight. I got called in to work at 2:35 a.m., and it's 5 a.m. now. This afternoon I got a ticket to see William Shatner at K-State's McCain Auditorium in January, plus a meet-and-greet. That'll be a major bucket list thing for me... just as meeting Dave would be. This year I got to meet TV's Todd Seda and Brian Teta, which was great. Good night to both of my readers (which includes me).

7/30/14 [4067]: Apparently Sharknado 2: The Second One premiered on SyFy tonight. If you like sharks and/or nadoes, you'll want to see this promo of Sharknado 3. / video:

(clips): airborne sharks

(voice-over): "2013 was the year of Sharknado. 2014 is the year of Sharknado 2. And 2015 will be the year of the most terrifying sequel yet: Windnado, the Sharknado made of wind."

(clip of an agitated vigilante citizen, wielding a chainsaw): "Let me at those windnadoes!"

(voice-over): "Windnado: Only on SyFy."

••• We were introduced to our current POTUS 10 years ago, when the Senator addressed the Democratic convention, which brings us to "Barack Obama Then / Barack Obama Now." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme music)

(voice-over): "Barack Obama then."

(Obama, 2004): "We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the Stars and Stripes... all of us defending the United States of America."

(me): Are deep thoughts such as that what got him elected?

(voice-over): "Barack Obama now."

(Obama, 2014): "What are your ideas?

(title graphic and voice-over): "See you next time on 'Barack Obama Then / Barack Obama Now.' Same Barack time, same Barack channel."

It's good to have Batman fans on the writing staff. It was one of my favorites.

••• Have you ever heard of Dollar Tree®? Guess what they bought with their dollars. / video:
(photo): Dollar Tree® store front

(voice-over): "Discount retailer Dollar Tree® is buying competitor Family Dollar® for $8.5 billion. The transaction for the all-cash deal began today."

(photo): corporate headquarters

(clip): four executives at a boardroom table

(Pete Fatovich as a Dollar Tree® exec, counting out the jackpot for the sellers): "One, two, three, four..."

(FX): time passing / Pete's got his jacket off now.

(Pete): "$149, $150, $151..."

(voice-over): "Dollar Tree®: Where everything's $1, unless it isn't."

I think Bob Fallor, operations manager, was another of the execs.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "No filling for me, please. I just like the sausage casing!" / a plug for Target® •••

[background story: It started earlier today, when Orlando Bloom refused to shake hands with Justin Bieber in a restaurant in Ibiza, Spain. In 2012, Bieber got flirty with Bloom's ex-wife, Miranda Kerr, my favorite supermodel. After being ignored, little Justin made a remark about Miranda, reports eonline.]

desk chat:

Little Justin Bieber's a criminal now. He's finished as a superstar. He and Orlando Bloom got into a brief fight this week. / "This Week in Celebrity Feuds" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Orlando Bloom tried to punch Justin Bieber after a heated exchange of words. Freddie Prinze, Jr. said working with Kiefer Sutherland was 'an experience that made him want to quit acting.' And finally, David Letterman and Bob Schieffer argued when neither remembered where they parked their car."

(random clip of two old guys getting after it)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'This Week in Celebrity Feuds.' "

(title graphic)

•••

desk chat:

Oops! The control room interrupted Dave by starting the TTL montage mid-sentence. Dave then gets to set up the TTL, explaining that Hercules had to atone for his past. Dave doesn't care about the mythical character. He says, "I'm sure not going to sit through a two-hour movie to watch Hercules." It stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Dave reads some facts from Wahoo Mike's blue card, but just can't get into the subject, and I don't blame him.
••• Top Ten Lesser-Known Labors of Hercules / #9: Have Comcast disconnect his service / #6: an audience shout out / #2: Put a Trojan® on a horse •••
Zoe Saldana plugs Guardians of the Galaxy, which is nice, since we haven't heard a word about it since yesterday! (Oops. Apparently Zoe's friends with Orlando Bloom!)

Dave begins the proceedings with a discussion of Zoe's characters' colors. She was blue in Avatar, and green in her latest role. Zoe says it took five hours in a makeup chair to get green. She got the blue in post-editing. Whatever color she is, her specialty is being a badass in space.

In other news, Zoe's naked on the cover of the September 2014 Women's Health.

Zoe has quite a collection of tattoos... 10, to be exact. Her husband has a tattoo of her on his arm. One of Zoe's hobbies is getting her friends drunk, and luring them to tattoo parlors. When they sober up, they're sporting a tattoo. (Fun Fact: Dave has a little-known tattoo of Pat Sajak.)

Tonight's bogus clip is dancing robots (or people, maybe) in space suits. I don't know where Shecky got this one. Then we get a real clip, and learn that the film has a talking raccoon. It's quite a summer for movies, isn't it? I'm holding out for Pitch Perfect 2 on 5/15/15.

•••
Jay Carney's the next guest. He's moved on from his stint as presidential press secretary. I don't shop at the Democratic Party, but he was an interesting and agreeable guest. His crew put together a daily briefing book that covered 40 to 50 possible hot topics. It was especially interesting to hear Jay's comment that the relationship between the POTUS and the press should be adversarial.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "A special hello to viewers who've recently had their tires rotated!" ••• more Jay Carney ••• Crash sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [David Gray did a Live on Letterman at 9 ET.]

7/31/14 [4068]: Congress is about to take a month off... from what, we have no idea. Could it be that they're practicing up for vacation before it starts? / video:

(C-SPAN coverage of immigration debate)

There's no understanding what Senators Coons, Rubio, Menendez, etc. are saying, but they're bouncing a colorful beach ball around the chamber.

(photo): U. S. Capitol and C-SPAN logo

••• Many Europeans take the entire month of August off. Our new friend, Pope Francis, is taking vacation, too.
(clip): Lordy mercy, this is unpleasant. The Holy Father is seen trotting on a beach, next to an ocean. His attire is a swimming suit that would make a Speedo look modest, and his pretiosa.
••• Costume designer Sue Hum pays a visit to Dave at his monologue mark.
(Dave): "Hi! Hey, look who's here, ladies and gentlemen. This is costume designer for the Late Show, Sue Hum. Say hello to Sue Hum, everybody. Hi, Sue. Nice to see you! You look great. Um, what's goin' on, Sue?"

(Sue): "I was told to stop coming up to you and bothering you while you're doing your jokes."

(Dave): "OK. Well, that seems fair enough, but what are you doin' right now?"

(Sue): "I'm stayin' over here. I'm not botherin' you."

(Dave): "And Sue, did you actually need to talk to me about something?"

(Sue): "Well, what do you want to talk about?"

(Dave): "You know, Sue, maybe we should talk about this backstage."

(Sue, hollering): "Why do you have to make everything so awkward!?"

(Sue storms off the stage.)

(Dave, to Paul): "Paul, have you noticed that it's always my fault?"

(Paul): "Well, now that you mention it..."

•••

monologue:

"Barack Obama is saying that he had... when he was a kid, he had a crush on Linda Ronstadt. Remember Linda Ronstadt? What a tremendous singer. Been on the show! It's funny, when you're younger, you have these fantasy crushes. Well, for... Governor Chris Christie... when he was a kid, had a crush on Mrs. Butterworth. Same..."

"There's a new study out that says Republicans are more religious than Democrats. Yeah. But I don't think that includes President Obama praying every day for his term to end. I don't think... I don't that's counted in the poll."

••• Richard Nixon recorded everything that went on in the Oval Office. More and more tapes are being found. / "The Nixon Tapes" / video:
(title graphic and documentary music)

(voice-over by writer Steve Young): "March 13th, 1972."

(photo): official portrait of Richard Milhous Nixon

(voice-over continues): "While discussing China's gift of pandas to the United States, Nixon explains that pandas can only learn to mate by watching others engaged in the mating process. March 14th, 1972: Nixon explains that the same behavior applies to Henry Kissinger."

(doctored video): Secretary of State Kissinger is seen watching soft-core porn.

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'The Nixon Tapes.' "

(title graphic)

••• We learned yesterday that in Guardians of the Galaxy, one superhero is a tree, and another is a raccoon. His superpower is he goes through your trash at night. / "Classic Films: If They Starred a Raccoon" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music

(Humphrey Bogart, as Rick Blaine): "We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we... we'd lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night."

(cut to a beautiful raccoon wearing a stylish hat)

(Blaine continues): "Here's looking at you, kid."

At this point the raccoon jumps onto Blaine's face and draws blood.

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Classic Films: If They Starred a Raccoon.' "

(me): I wonder how junior high went for a dude named Humphrey.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Good News": "Your electronic equipment is Y2.015K compliant.' " / a plug for Tide® ••• outside cam/tape: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, posing for a much larger-than-usual gang of reporters •••

desk chat:

Dave: "I've been doin' this show... Paul and I have been doin' this show for 30 years. That has never happened to me. Did you see that? Everybody just dropping to their knees, takin' pictures of the beautiful Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Look at that! Never happened to me!" (Paul): "Well, that's because you come via underground tunnel... into the building..." (Dave): "I'm still wearing a cocktail dress!" (Paul): "Well, yes."
••• TTL montage and setup: A priest in Poland claims the devil has been sending him evil text messages. Dave has a message from Satan. It's The Finger, tastefully covered by a round, blurred spot, moving with him as he flips it. / Top Ten Text Messages from Satan (an especially fine TTL)
10. Do you smell something not burning?
9. OMG--Just took a selfie with Mickey Rooney
8. My only regret is starting the Real Housewives franchise
7. Geez, Putin, dial it down a notch
6. Shane! Come back, Shane! (an audience shout out)
5. I don't want Rob Ford, you take him
4. Posted some new pictures on Pentagram
3. Arranging Weird Al's comeback was exhausting
2. Hang on--Dick Cheney's on the other line
1. Sorry about the L.A. Clippers, Don

(me): So... Satan is known to use the expression OMG?

•••
Julia Louis-Dreyfus plugs HBO's Veep. Dave loves it, and he watches it on his iPad. Dave says, "It's the kind of thing that actually makes you laugh, and you don't get that much on television, so nice goin' with that." Julia's character (the veep) wears a wig after a haircut. She reports, "I look like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman."

Julia's kids are now 17 and 22. Dave asks about an "angry teen period," but hers were fine. She finds them amenable, and rather enjoys them.

She's had 15 Emmy nominations, and has won four, from her work in three shows. (Lucy only got 13 nominations.)

Dave shows the cover of the April 24, 2014 Rolling Stone, with the Preamble to the Constitution of the United States drawn on Julia's bare back. Oops! Below the Preamble is "John Hancock." The minute Julia's husband saw a photo, he pointed out to her that Mr. Hancock didn't sign the Preamble. Another fairly well-known document, The Declaration of Independence, bears his signature. Anyway, Julia's friend joked that she should put out a baby picture of herself with a tattoo of Hancock's signature already in place. We see a picture of just that! Whoops. Maybe she shouldn't have added the picture to Facebook. She got reported, and Facebook flagged her page as naughty.

This was a very funny and engaging interview. Julia brought lots of energy, and no attitude. Furthermore, she's 53 years old, and she looked amazing in her black cocktail dress. After commercials, Dave and Paul both agree that Julia was a charming and beautiful guest. / bumper: Julia getting the Preamble applied

••• It's time for "Alan Kalter's Month of the Month!" /
(title graphic and theme song by the CBSO)

(Alan, excited): "July's Month of the Month is March! Congratulations, March! You're July's Month of the Month!

(CBSO): a peppy theme song

(Dave): "What the hell was that? Was that supposed to...? I had nothin!"

(Alan): "I understand all of it."

(Dave): "What? What?"

(Alan): "It was stupid."

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Alan): "I was embarrassed to be a part of it. It was beneath me. You know, Dave, I'm sick of humping so-called lame comedy for this clown show!"

(Dave): "Clown... clown show? Oh, oh... now. Oh, lord."

(CBSO): "Month of the Month" theme song again

(Alan): puts on a sorry-looking bike helmet, then rides offstage on some kind of tricked-up tricycle / "I won't take anymore of this. Later, ass     !"

(Dave, to Paul): "Is that how he gets to work?"

••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's our pal, writer Steve Young! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: a plug for David Gray's Live on Letterman and, "When we come back, amazing photos of clouds that look like other clouds." ••• Michael Somerville does stand-up. He was a last-minute replacement for Simon Amstell. ••• David Gray sings. ••• full credits

8/01/14: REPEAT FROM 7/16/14

8/04/14: REPEAT FROM 6/17/14 (I guaranteed on June 17 that this episode, with Olivia Wilde and Shep Gordon, was sure to be repeated!)

8/05/14: REPEAT FROM 7/17/14

8/06/14: REPEAT FROM 4/02/14

8/07/14: REPEAT FROM 7/15/14

8/08/14: REPEAT FROM 7/08/14

8/11/14: REPEAT FROM 6/18/14

8/12/14: REPEAT FROM 7/23/14

8/13/14: REPEAT FROM 3/12/14

8/14/14: REPEAT FROM 7/29/14 (and DDY's birthday!)

8/15/14: REPEAT FROM 5/12/14

It's minutes short of 18 days without a new episode. While we were out, Kansas State Football reported for practice on August 3, and sorority recruitment started yesterday. The Football Cats are ranked #20 in the AP poll. Marching Band practice starts tomorrow, and classes start on August 25. It should be a good fall.

8/18/14 [4069]: There was a big to-do a while back about NYC bed bugs. Then their publicist, Shep Gordon, got the idea that invading the MTA as subway bugs would be fun. / We see ABC's video of a friendly rat crawling up to the face of a subway passenger, only to face complete rejection. ••• There was a celebrity benefit in New Jersey over the weekend. The highlight was obviously Gov. Chris Christie dancing with Jamie Foxx. (Cue the earthquake jokes!) ••• David Gregory was fired from Meet the Press, because its ratings didn't cut it. NBC paid him a lot of money to go peacefully (same deal as when Paul swiped those office supplies, back in the 90s). Andrea Mitchell stood in as host yesterday. Her tribute to Gregory was a clip of him dancing with a dog. ••• Around the Late Show HQ, there are some good, productive days, and some years that aren't. What's resulted from 18 days off is "Good Enough for August." / video:

(summery title graphic and Freeplay theme song)

(movie trailer graphics and voice-over): "Governor Chris Christie. Mayor Rob Ford. The Expandables. In theaters soon."

(summery title graphic and Jay Johnson? voice-over): " 'Good Enough for August' is a presentation of..."

(graphic and choir): "FATCO"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm sick of losing my laundry markers. I guess I should write my name of them with some sort of indelible ink." / a plug for IHOP® •••

desk chat:

Robin Williams died on August 11. Dave knew him for 38 years. They met at Mitzi Shore's The Comedy Store back in the 70s. Their contemporaries included Jay Leno, Tom Dreesen, Tim Thomerson, Johnny Dark, Elaine Boosler and Jimmie Walker. If there was a new guy, the veterans would stick around to make fun of him. Dave and George Miller set out to do that with Robin (who claimed he was from Scotland). Robin came on like a hurricane, and he blew away the others. Dave says, "And now, the longer he's onstage, the worse we feel about ourselves." With Robin on the scene, Dave and friends thought they were finished with show bidness (and by a Scotsman, no less).

Before long, Robin had turned up on Happy Days and Mork and Mindy (and Dave somehow got invited to be on). Then the movies came, with four Academy Award nominations.

Dave actually got to really know Robin when he started having him on his shows. My friend Don Giller reports that Robin was on with Dave 47 times, including cameos. It was nice, because Dave didn't have to do a thing. Having Robin on would shoot up the ratings, too. For example, Robin appeared on 2/21/00 [1362], Dave's first night back at the command module after giving birth to quintuplets.

Dave presents a real nice compilation of Robin's appearances on the Late Show (plus Dave in a scene with Mork). Dave concludes with, "What I will add here is beyond being a very talented man, and a good friend and a gentleman, I'm sorry... like everyone else... I had no idea that the man was in pain... that the man was suffering. But what a guy! Robin Williams." (YouTube)

•••
Hang onto your wigs and keys. Bruce Willis is on to plug Frank Miller's Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, which opens on August 22. I've always appreciated that Bruce comes on with material. Once the small talk about Bruce's fifth consecutive daughter is taken care of, Bruce begins rolling out his props.

First we get a look at his latest line of fragrances, which are great-smelling as well as good to drink. Dave lines up the chemistry set on the desk top, and he and Bruce start taking shots of the potions. One reminds Dave of linguine and clams. They don't test these products on bunnies or anything. Dave sprays them right on Bruce's head.

After commercials, Bruce demos the new Bruce Willis Hands-Free Corn Eating System. (Think of it as like those braces headgear contraptions you see teenage girls wearing in bad teen movies, except not as well-designed, and not as funny.) What about the butter? Bruce has a red plastic helmet that's fitted with a cup of butter on each side. (The butter looks like Mountain Dew to me.) The hoses coming from the butter cups get loose, and Bruce has fake butter all over the guest chair cushion. He tidies up his clothes with an upright vacuum cleaner.

Guess what! Jessica Alba's in the movie. Dave needs to get her booked. She hasn't been on in four years.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "In case you missed it, I just successfully pronounced 'Novak Djokovic.' " ••• Top Ten Possible Names for Anthony Weiner's New Restaurant / #1: Very Little Caesar's® ••• The Gaslight Anthem sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Robin Williams bumper

8/19/14 [4070]: monologue:

Dave begins the evening's festivities with a review of New York City's hotel bed bug troubles, which have given way to a subway bed bug infestation. These bugs are so big, they have fleas. / video flashback: We see the friendly rat scurry up the leg of a sleeping subway passenger, waking up the gentlemen when arriving upon his face.
••• We've just learned that plants communicate with each other by way of exchange of RNA. Let's have a look at this in action. / video:
(outdoor scene): a bee on a flower

(daisy speaking, in great distress): "Oh, no. Not the bees! Not the bees! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

••• interruption:
(voice-over and bottom-third graphics): "This is a test of the Late Show sound effects system. Remember, this is only a test."

(flashing graphic): "TEST IN PROGRESS"

(FX): monster growling, breaking glass, man screaming, sheep, "yes" bell, drum, slide whistle, pig, horn, whip, "Oh, the humanity!", baby crying, aaoogah horn

(Steve Young voice-over): "This concludes our test of the Late Show sound effects system."

(me): CBS cares.

•••

monologue:

"According to the chairman of the Federal Reserve, Janet Yellen... you all know Janet Yellen... too many Americans are working part-time. Part time... only working part-time. And take it from me, ladies and gentlemen, and I'm a guy who's workin' an hour a day: Why don't you part-timers get off your ass and look for a full-time job, OK? Thank you."
••• "Let's see what's on PBS" / video:
(title graphic)

(scene): man at work in a lab

(British guy voice-over): "Steve fills the fake vagina with warm water, and blows it up to get a good fit."

(title graphic)

(me): WTF?

••• David Gregory was fired from Meet the Press the other day. / "Past Moderators of Meet the Press." / video
(title graphic)

(Ned Brooks, 1953-1965): "This is Ned Brooks, inviting you to meet the press."

(Lawrence Spivak, 1966-1975): "Mr. President, can you tell us what your goals are for this country?"

(Chuck Woolery, 1975-1988 with Rep. Lou Thompson, D-PA): "You say you're too affectionate with some women?" (Rep. Thompson): "I'm real touchy and feely, and like the hand on the thigh, and, you know, it can get messy under a table."

(voice-over): "We'll be back in two and two."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Words of Wisdom": "In the long run, all tattoos are temporary tattoos." / a plug for DirecTV •••

desk chat:

  1. Dave begins with a shout out to the CBS Orchestra: "Aren't they good? ... I know I don't have to say it, but every night, it's fantastic. It's like a brand-new, wonderful experience, each and every night, and I will miss it dearly."

  2. Dave: "I keep hearing these stories about me retiring. ... I have no memories of any announcement, so I ... let me just correct what... I guess it's just an ugly rumor. I'm not retiring. Here's what happened. I spent some time with the family..."
••• TTL set-up: Steve Ballmer, former CEO of Microsoft and inventor of the mint-flavored toothpick, was introduced as new owner of the Los Angeles Clippers yesterday. He's high-powered, aggressive, energetic, and, some say, nuts. / Top Ten Signs Your Team Owner Is Nuts / #6 is an audience shout out about Pres. James K. Polk / video: We see Ballmer speaking to a gathering yesterday, bringing to mind the WWF. ••• James K. Polk bumper •••
Joseph Gordon-Levitt plugs Frank Miller's Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, which opens on August 22.

First we have a side trip to discuss Joseph's appearance in The Walk. It's about high-wire artist Philippe Petit, and will open in October 2015. Joseph explains that the balance bars these artists use weigh about 50 pounds. Once you get the hang of them, it's like riding a bicycle. Some of the balance work was done by Joseph, and some by stunt men.

On 9/26/02, Petit walked a metal cable 120 feet across Broadway, from the 12th floor of the 1700 Broadway building (160 feet up) to the 14th floor of the Ed (184 feet up).

Joseph's also involved with HitRECord on TV. It's a collaboration of people via the Internet.

•••
Novak Djokovic, 2014 Wimbledon champion, is from Serbia. He believes that enduring several wars there helped mentally prepare him for playing tennis. Dave keeps asking Novak if he'd like to take his shirt off. Outfits like Just Jared like to show him shirtless, in various locations. He never gets around to taking anything off during tonight's visit.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, a sneak peek at the Post Office's next generation of stamp adhesives." ••• more Novak Djokovic ••• Robby Johnson sings. He's the only known French Canadian country singer. (It should be noted that he had back-up from CBSO members Paul Shaffer, Will Lee, Felicia Collins, Anton Fig and Sid McGinnis. Years ago, this was common, but in recent years, I would call it rare.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/20/14 [4071]: Here's the latest installment of "Good News Bad News." / video:

(title graphic)

(graphic and voice-over): "BAD NEWS."

(Bob McGuire, KTVQ-TV meteorologist, Billings, Montana): "This is the way it looked today... well, actually on Saturday night, as the storm moved through Baker, at the Fallon County Fairgrounds." (clip of horrendous storm)

(graphic and voice-over): "GOOD NEWS."

(Bob McGuire, KTVQ-TV meteorologist, Billings, Montana): "It rained so hard, they had to cancel the Rick Springfield concert." (clip of horrendous storm)

(title graphic)

••• It's the time of year for announcing new shows. / video:
(voice-over and corn processing plant clips): "Coming to CBS: Corn Inspection has a new name. Only Ty Parker has the mental gift to identify irregular corn kernels. The Cornnoisseur. Only on CBS."

(me): That was a good one! The writers were definitely thinking outside the cob.

••• interruption:
(TV's Tony Mendez): "Dave, Dave. Oh, Dave. Dave."

(Dave): "What?"

(Tony): "Dave, can we show the new..."

(Dave): "Oh, Tony Mendez is yelling at me in the middle of the show, ladies and gentlemen."

(Tony): "I'm sorry to interrupt..."

(Dave): "What do you want, Tony?"

(Tony): "I was wondering if we could show the new Nicki Minaj video now."

(Anton Fig): "No, no, no, no. Dave. No, no, no. Dave?"

(Dave): "Anton, what do you want?"

(Anton): "You must show the One Direction video."

(Tony): "No. No. Nicki Minaj!"

(Anton): "No! No, no, no, no. One Direction!"

(Tony): "Nicki!"

(Anton): "One... Direction!"

(Tony, yelling): "Nicki!"

(Anton, yelling): "One... Direction!"

(Tony): "Nicki!"

(Anton, covering his ears): "One... Direction!"

(Dave): "Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. Both of you, go to your rooms."

(Dave, to Tony): "You want the what... the Nicki Minaj?"

(Tony): "Yes!"

(Dave, to Anton): "And you want the One Direction?"

(Anton): "One Direction."

(Dave): "Alright. I'll show them both, OK? I'll show them both."

(videos on split screen, with Nicki's... or somebody's... who-knows-what blurred out)

(Dave, to the combatants): "You happy now? You happy now?"

(Dave): "Which one is Nicki?"

(me): I likes the Nicki Minaj "Starships."

•••

audience shout out: Dave asks, "Anybody here from Texas?" A lady screams obnoxiously, like nothing ever heard on the show before. Dave: "I believe that's one of the signs of bus lag." ••• Rick Perry was indicted the other day for that bogus corruption charge. We see the classic Nick Nolte booking mugshot, first aired on the Late Show in 2002. Then we see the real Governor Perry. If convicted, he could spend five to 10 years in prison. We have a picture of the slammer.


Jeter's place

No, that's Jeter's house! Dave hopes this doesn't ruin his chances to be our next dumb president from Texas. (me): Why is Paul playing the theme from Gunsmoke? Dodge City is in Kansas... 90 miles from Texas! ••• It's starting. Dave saw this political announcement this week. / video:

(Barack Obama clip)

(voice-over): "He's been called elitist. He vacations on Martha's Vineyard. He's been accused of ignoring the crisis in Missouri, and overlooking concerns of the African-American community."

(photo): Mitt Romney, waving and smiling

(bogus Mitt Romney voice-over and fanfare): "Hell, I could do that!"

(voice-over): "Paid for by Romney 2016."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "The Venetians should come up with a new kind of window shade. They can't coast forever on blinds!" / a plug for Tide® •••
Kathy Griffin, who wasn't spanked enough when she was little, plugs her new comedy album, Look at My Butt Crack, available on iTunes. Dave declines to say the title. Kathy comes out and informs him that Barbara Walters would have said, "Kiss My Butt Quack."

She claims that photographer Tyler Shields came to her house for the cover shoot, and her clothes fell off! She wonders if the same thing ever happened to Dave. (Yes, as a matter of fact.) Then we see a blurred-out photo of Kathy, nekked, in her swimming pool. (That's for helicopter pilots.)

Dave asks Kathy if she is easy. "Yes," Kathy replies. "I actually put out before the first date." Her clothes come right off after an introductory handshake.

Kathy recently attended an event, an Eagles concert at The Forum, where Tom Hanks was. That hottie, Kendall Jenner, was seated next to her. (Kathy calls her Candle, because it drives her crazy. Kendall's mom often calls her Kenny.) She goes on to mimic Harry Styles, who was on the other side of Kendall. (me): This is old, old news. Kendall and Harry broke up early this year, and the concert was in mid January.

Kathy was on Big Brother earlier tonight as a celebrity guest. She got called Kathie Lee Gifford. She reports that the Big Brother place doesn't smell too nice.

For a good time, call Kathy. She puts out before the first date.

•••

Dave says he's always being asked where ideas for the show come from. Joe Grossman comes out with his little notebook to pitch some of his latest ideas. He has an auspicious start to his panel, sitting in the wrong guest chair. Here's what he has for Dave:

  • judo demonstration? (no)
  • shave a monkey? (no)
  • let a monkey shave you? (no)
  • put on a wig, a fat suit and a dress, and play Fat Granny Dave? (no)
  • spend a day with Tori Spelling? (no)
  • guessing game: What's in Regis's Mouth? (Yes!) (Regis said no.)
  • Are you sure you wouldn't shave a monkey? (Dave's sure. He boots Joe.)

••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Kristopher Wood, electrics guy, with Bono. •••

Ken Burns drops by to plug The Roosevelts: An Intimate History, which will premiere on PBS on September 14. It's Rose-uh-velt, by the way. This documentary took over six years to make. It covers Theodore, Franklin and Eleanor. It's quickly obvious that Ken is very taken with the family. He claims that the Roosevelts influenced our lives more than any family in American history. Aw, come on, Ken. What about the Cleavers? He credits Franklin D. Roosevelt for Social Security, LaGuardia Airport, the Triborough Bridge, the Lincoln Tunnel, libraries, thousands of high schools, electricity, running water, and the G.I. bill. He says Eleanor was right about everything except Prohibition. Teddy and Franklin were master politicians who loved their job. (You have to go along with that part, considering Franklin's 12 years in office.) It was interesting to hear Ken tell about Franklin saving the banking system, via a fireside chat. He told Americans to put their money back in... that everything would be OK if they did.

We see a clip of Teddy as president. Ken calls him "the only true genius as president." Hundreds of hours of newsreels were viewed in compiling this documentary. It's seven two-hour episodes! Peter Coyote narrates.


Nice hat.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Please alert your local CBS affiliate if you have a viewing allergy." ••• Jeremy Messersmith sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/21/14 [4072]: For subway bedbugs, New York City is now your destination. For those who aren't so sure about the friendly little critters, the MTA has this announcement. / video:

(clips): bedbugs in action

(female voice-over): "To combat a growing bedbug infestation, effective immediately, the MTA will institute our new 'See Something, Swat Something' program."

(photo): MTA ticket booth

(female voice-over): "Pick up your complimentary swatter at any subway station, and stay alert."

(clip): Producer Sarah Billington Connell is seated next to a gentleman on the subway, namely Worldwide Pants production accountant Joe DeGeorge. They're both minding their business. Out of nowhere, we see that Sarah has a plastic flyswatter in her left hand. She swats Joe right smack in his face. (video)

(female voice-over): "The MTA. Pronounced MUTUH."

(title graphic)

••• CBS Sports reported this week that the NFL has asked some musical groups if they'd pay to be the halftime act. (Paul assures Dave that the CBSO would pay Dave to appear on the Late Show.) Here's a phony announcement, direct from the NFL. / video:
(photos): past performers

(voice-over): "Because of the unparalleled exposure, musical acts must now pay to perform during the Super Bowl, and we're pleased to announce this year's highest bidder. Your Super Bowl XLIX halftime act is billionaire Warren Buffett."

(clip): Warren playing a ukelele: "I've been workin' on the railroad, all the livelong day. I've been workin' on the railroad..."

(voice-over): "See you at the big game!"

(Dave starts singing after the clip, and the CBSO accompanies him.)

••• [Tucker Blandford of Connecticut was supposed to be married on August 15, but he faked his death after getting cold feet.] / We'd all agree there's a market for anything that could get you out of your wedding. / video:
(photo and sad music): young couple's engagement picture

(female voice-over): "Every day, impulsive young people propose to the wrong person, and wind up trapped in joyless marriages. Now there's help."

(graphic): "Stop-My-Wedding Registry"

(female voice-over): "Introducing the Stop-My-Wedding Registry. Simply give us your fiancé's name and photograph, and we'll instruct every church, synagogue, multi-denominational chapel, banquet hall and other wedding venue not to book your wedding under any circumstances."

(Steve Young, as a priest, on the phone): "I'm sorry. We're booked up for the next 10 years. Call back after that."

Steve hangs up from the call, looks toward the camera and winks at us viewers, all in the know.

(FX): chimes

(female voice-over): "The Stop-My-Wedding Registry. Because marriage is forever."

(Dave): "Thank you, Father."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "REMINDER!: I will be out of the office tomorrow because I would rather be somewhere else." / a plug for Netflix® •••
TTL set-up: Georgia Gorringe, an 86-year-old great-great-grandmother, has written a steamy romance novel, No Good-bye. / As an audience shout out to a couple in gray Late Show t-shirts, Dave announces that the home office is now in Panama City.
•••

Top Ten Excerpts from the Senior Citizen's Romance Novel

10. "He was as old and hard as the candy I keep on the table."
9. "When she walked into the room, his heart stopped."
8. "He had an ass like Coolidge."
7. " 'Blow in my hearing aid,' she cooed."
6. "Enrique's pants weren't pleated anymore." (an audience shout out)
5. "Teeth in or out?"
4. "She caressed the balls of his walker legs." (Dave can't deliver this one, so he enlists Paul.)
3. "It was a position called the 'reverse rocking chair.' "
2. "We watched Wheel of Fortune and he gave me an 'O.' "
1. "Finally she whispered, 'That's what I call an early bird special.' "
•••
Serena Williams, the #1-ranked female tennis player in all the world, stops by enroute to the U.S. Open, and receives an enthusiastic welcome from the audience.

She won her first championship at 17, has won over 800 matches, she estimates, has 17 grand slam titles (whatever that means), and 15 grand-slam doubles titles.

Serena prefers playing singles. She says it's much lower pressure, because there's no one to apologize to, and you have the whole half court to yourself. Recently Serena hit a 123-MPH serve.

After commercials, Serena and Dave go out to 53rd St., which has been painted up as a tennis court, for a nice, tame game. Then Dave and Serena try serving at Hello Deli's picture window. Serena obliterates it.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, our experts show you how to make decorative objects out of items." ••• replay: Rupert's picture window being broken... inside view •••
Chadwick Boseman plugs Get on Up, the story of James Brown's rise from poverty to music superstardom. Dave is extremely enthusiastic about this movie. He and Paul watched it together. Part of the challenge of playing this legend is singing his music, as well as the physical activity. In one day, he had to do 90 splits.

James Brown appeared on the Late Show six times, including cameos, sitting in with the CBSO, and bringing Paul his cape on February 7, 2003 for Paul's Cape Thing. The CBSO has been playing his music during tonight's telecast.

After the interview, Chadwick takes the stage to sing "It's a Man's, Man's, Man's World." (full version on YouTube)

••• Echo and The Bunnymen sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• video: Serena Williams demolishing Rupert's window ••• video: Father Steve Young, winking

8/22/14: REPEAT FROM 7/31/14

8/25/14 [4073]: Sean Pelton is sitting in for Anton Fig. ••• The Richter 6.0 earthquake near Napa, California over the weekend was the biggest in a quarter century. / video: Chris Christie dancing takes a real toll on our planet. ••• This just in: Dave adjusts his imaginary earphone. He is now able to report that the turtle is fully anesthetized. The name of the patient and the circumstances of the treatment remain confidential. ••• Burger King® may merge with Canadian donut restaurant Tim Hortons® for a big income tax break. / video: It's the all-too-familiar video of tubby Mayor Rob Ford charging toward a woman up north... or was he charging toward the donut table? ••• Dave has a shout out for Felicia Collins' different guitar. It looks like a Casio MG-510 to me, but what do I know? ••• Remember Barack Obama? He's back from his marathon golf vacation. He's addressing the nation about something or other. / video: The POTUS is whipping up some kind of concoction in a blender. ••• Did you watch the VMAs last night? Of course you did! Something surprising happened. / video:

We see Snoop Dogg and Gwen Stefani onstage, ready to present the VMA for Best Female Video to Katy Perry and rapper Juicy J for "Dark Horse."

(voice-over of Gwen announcing the winner): "And the VMA goes to... Hall & Oates."

We see the duo onstage at a 1980s MTV awards show. We know it's the 80s, because MTV was born on August 1, 1981.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tech Tip": "To insert the letter 'R' in an email or electronic document, press the 'R' key on your computer keyboard." / a plug for Nationwide® ••• desk chat: Dave briefly channels Howie Mandel. ••• [TTL setup: A man was arrested in mid July after posing as a TSA agent at SFO. He was patting down and/or groping a couple of female passengers.] / Top Ten Signs You're Dealing with a Fake TSA Agent / #6: an audience shout out •••

It's time for a favorite event in this year's Purina® Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge: Dog Diving Dogs. (Oops. I originally typed Dogg, because of an earlier topic.)

Here are some details for the event:

  • runway: 40 feet long
  • pool: 45 feet long, 18 feet wide, 4 feet deep
  • pool capacity: 20,000 gallons of H2O
  • The weight of the water is 8.3 x 20,000, or 166,000 pounds. Dave announced that there was "more than a ton of water." Yup.
  • water temperature: ~ 58° F

We're headed to 53rd St., so it's time for the traditional weather report:

  • temperature: 85° F
  • humidity: 38%
  • barometer: 30.02 / steady
  • wind: E 4 mph
  • visibility: 10 miles

Dock Diving Dog #1: Cash

  • Cash's parents are Larry and Julie Pickett, from Lansing, Michigan.
  • Cash, 3, is a Dutch shepherd... loyal, trainable and a herder.
  • His best jump is 27' 6".
  • Cash hits exactly 27' 6."

Dock Diving Dog #2: Chewie

  • His owner is Jason Looper, from O'Fallon, Missouri. 1
  • Chewie, 6, is an Australian Shepherd / Labrador retriever mix.
  • His best jump is 30' 2".
  • Dave takes a few moments to visit with Chewie personally. He segues into his loon impression, followed by "heeere, kitty, kitty kitty."
  • Chewie jumps 29' 9".
•••
Michael Cera plugs his Broadway play, This Is Our Youth. It's at the Cort Theatre, 138 W. 48th St. The play opens on September 11.

Michael appeared briefly in this play in Sydney, Australia, two years ago, for two weeks. He also did it in Chicago.

His German girlfriend is enough of a topic tonight that he's probably going to be sleeping on the couch. He says he likes to get a new girlfriend every now and then. Someone told him the German girls were good, so he picked her. They did some cross-country travel, and were fortunate enough to see the World's Largest Basket in Newark, Ohio. This eyesore is seven stories high. Here's your Google Map if you want to stop by.

At this point we break for another doggie, but I'll finish with Michael first. He has a fun story from promoting Crystal Fairy & the Magical Cactus at Sundance last year. This sounds kind of like a Shep Gordon stunt. Michael planted a friend in the audience. If called upon, the friend was instructed to ask a two-part question: 1. "When was the last time you saw your son, Amos?" 2. "If you're so sure he's not your son, why won't you take the DNA test?" (YouTube) Dave informs Michael that he should be banned from Sundance for life!

•••

Dock Diving Dog #3: Storie

  • Storie, 3, is a black field Labrador retriever.
  • Her parents are J. D. McKnight and Ronalee,2 from West Milton, Ohio.
  • We don't know what her best jump is, but Michael predicts 30' 0".
  • Storie takes the contest, with a jump of 30' 6".
  • New Late Show models present the usual dog food trophy after commercials.
••• Act 5 is replays of the dogs' jumps. ••• Lyle Lovett has an interview before his musical number. He likes quarter horses. ••• Lyle Lovett and His Large Band (with Francine Reed) sing. Don Giller reports that Lyle and Francine did this same song on the Tonight Show on April 21, 1989. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1 home town shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

2 spelling shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

8/26/14 [4074]: Sean Pelton is sitting in for Anton Fig again tonight. ••• Dave has an audience shout out involving Harry, Gatorade and pizza that will remain a mystery. •••

monologue:

"In the subway system of New York City, we have bedbugs, ladies and gentlemen. Bedbugs. I blame Mayor de Blasio. He's the one who put the damn beds in the subways. What a mistake that was!"

"And you're thinkin' 'Bedbugs? So what?' These are not your usual kind of bedbugs. These bedbugs are brazen. My hand to God, this is a true story. Earlier today, I saw a bedbug push a rat onto the track. Honest to God."

••• Remember Ed Gelb, the lie detector celebrity expert? Well, Dave claims Ed himself came in and looked at some tape of last night's Emmy Awards, because you can expect some show business white lies during the proceedings. We watch "Prime Time Emmy Awards Lies." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(unknown man): "I can assure you we didn't expect this at all."

(Kathy Bates, Outstanding Supporting Actress, American Horror Story: Coven): "I was sure I wasn't gonna win."

(unknown man): "Just... it's such a surprise..."

(Sarah Silverman, Outstanding Variety Special, We Are Miracles): "This didn't even occur to me."

(Jim Parsons, Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, The Big Bang Theory): "I really don't believe this."

(Jessica Lange, Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie, American Horror Story: Coven): "I am profoundly surprised!"

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• It's no secret. We all love the live feeds from the Speaker of the House. We see John Boehner on vacation. (FX): He has a wind-up monkey that's playing cymbals. ••• interruption: The tall, gray-haired actor-with-no-name who pretends he's a hotshot politician shows up at Dave's mark.
(Dave): "Oh, hi!"

(actor with no name): "Hi.

(Dave): "Can I help you?"

(actor with no name): "Hello, Dave. I'm Bill de Blasio, mayor of New York City."

(Dave): "Oh, my gosh, ladies and gentlemen, it's the mayor of New York City. Well... I can't tell you what an honor it is to have you on the show, so I won't."

(actor with no name): "Well, I was just in the neighborhood, and I couldn't leave without stopping by to say hello to you, and your wonderful listeners."

(Dave): "Thank you. Yeah. That's very kind of you. Thank you again, Mr. Mayor."

(actor with no name): "And I just want to let everyone know... I'm back from vacation!"

(Dave): "That's great. That's good to know. Thank you very much. What?"

(actor with no name leans toward Dave for a photo)

(Walter Kim, playing a creative director, digital media, takes their picture.)

(actor with no name turns to exit)

(Dave): "OK, bye."

(CBSO): "New York, New York"

••• We've all noticed that gentlemen serving as POTUS get noticeably grayer hair while in office. Here's a special message. / video:
(b&w clip of Obama)

(voice-over): "Are you going gray, and also leading the free world? Make an executive decision to try new Just for Men Who Are President®, the only hair coloring system pH-balanced to handle the symptoms of the most-stressful job in the world."

(photo of Obama and Biden)

(voice-over continues): "And... you're just a heartbeat away from tranquility, with new Just for Men Who Are Vice-President Bubble Bath® foam."

(video): Joe Biden, all bubbled-up in the bathtub

(voice-over): "Sold exclusively in the U.S. Capitol parking lot."

••• Here's "MTV Video Music Awards Roundup" from August 24. / video:
(title graphic)

(VMA clips)

(female voice-over): "The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards featured stunning performances by Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Jazzy Perkins, Lulu Poof, 8-Trees, Turner the Human, Rappy, Lemon Peach, Big Janet, Whiskers, Professor Versowitz, Miss Bench, Juicy Bench and, of course, Dupie Dupie! 'A Message from MTV®: 'Our slogan is secret.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Straight Talk About Astrology": "Stars and planets are very far away, and have effect on you, unless you're a Gemini." / a plug for Macy's •••

Top Ten Things Overheard at David Blaine's Prison Magic Show is an awesome TTL:
10. "Think of a number from twenty to life."
9. "I need a volunteer, you in the orange jumpsuit."
8. "A creepy guy covered in tattoos--in prison?"
7. "Let's see the handcuff trick again."
6. "I wouldn't be here if I'd completed my degree at Western Illinois." (an audience shout out)
5. "Get him!"
4. "Prison isn't magical enough already?"
3. "Tell me how you did that or I'll kill you."
2. Can you make my forensic evidence disappear?"
1. I'm going to abraca-stab ya."

The CBSO play "Jailhouse Rock" out of the TTL. Dave loves it. •••

Howie Mandel plugs America's Got Talent, which airs on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. He delivers a very enjoyable interview tonight. I've known of him for years, but never happened to be that familiar with him. Here's what I found out. He's older than I would have guessed, 58, and he and Dave reportedly have been acquainted for 38 years. He's scared of germs, so he won't shake hands... just gives a pretend fist bump. He has other cool stuff going on, too: He's colorblind, he has OCD, he has ADHD and he's Canadian. Howie played a doctor on St. Elsewhere for its six-year run, and still remembers basic medical procedures he learned in that time. He shows off by reciting what to do for a chest wound. Then Dave smarts off and asks what to do for a paper cut. "Ointment," Howie responds.

In his current role as a talent judge, Howie's often approached by people who want to make it in show business, forcing auditions on him. He tells about a mother bringing her 11-year-old daughter up to him. She insisted that he should watch the girl dance. Her act wasn't ballet. It wasn't tap. (I've decided to forego the rest of Howie's description of this audition.)

Howie's open about his real fear of germs, and has a sense of humor about it. Sure, there are millions of people in NYC, every last one carrying pesky microorganisms, but the culture of New York helps a bunch. In Los Angeles, you have to do germy things for yourself. In New York City, there's someone to do things for you. There's a doorman to open those contaminated doors. Your cab door is opened for you. There's a down side: bathroom attendants. He'd be happy to do without that supervision. Here's an example. The other day, Howie was in a NYC restaurant restroom. The attendant wanted to put soap on his hands. Then there's a paper towel. He was all set, but he didn't have any germ-laden money for a tip. Howie told the attendant he'd take care of him. Back in the dining area, he asked the waitress if she could give a tip to the guy, and add it to his credit card bill. Her reply? "We don't have a bathroom attendant."

Dave has the idea that being a talent judge isn't a lot of work. Ding! Howie confirms that notion, saying, "You people are sitting at home, watching the show on the couch in your underpants. The only difference is, I have pants."

•••
Rachel Maddow's up next. She and Dave have a nice relationship, having shared the stage at Ball State in Dave's lecture series. I'm not a liberal, and I don't shop at the Democratic party, but I recognize Rachel's brilliant mind. She has an amazing grasp of world affairs, and effortlessly explains the back story on current events.

Dave's announced plan for this interview is to ask basic, dumb-guy questions. What happened to al Qaeda? Why does ISIS hate us more than al Qaeda? Why does al Qaeda hate us in the first place? Rachel begins by assuring Dave that al Qaeda hates us as much as ever. But... they also hate ISIS, deeming them too extreme! Rachel tosses in the liberal viewpoint, saying we started the war in Iraq, and al Qaeda wasn't there. It/they developed when we started the war. She says ISIS developed from al Qaeda, and split off from them. Both of them hate us as much as ever.

What's the historical basis for what's going on? She says it's a fight in the Muslim world between tyrannical dictatorships and mostly-tyrannical religious fundamentalists who oppose the dictators. Since we're seen as siding with the dictators, the situation is destined to not go well. To put an end to this, she says, we need to stop siding with people we can't defend. Dave wants to know where the line is between defending ourselves, and getting too involved. "The buck stops with them," Rachel says. She says it's hard to put the blame anywhere but on ISIS, since they're cutting people's heads off. Rachel's take on U.S. involvement is, "Can we do anything but hurt the situation? When we intervene, do we make things worse? Do we make things better in the short run, and make things worse in the long run?"

(me): I haven't heard that the Swiss are having much problem with terrorists.

Dave wonders why we don't back out of the situation, and let people murder themselves. Just call us when it's over! Rachel says they brought the fight to us with 9-11, and the terrorist bombings before that.

Next Dave wants to know if we (the U.S.) are the only ones fighting terrorism. Is China doing anything? How about turning Pooty loose on 'em? Saudi Arabia just came out and said ISIS is the #1 enemy of Islam.

••• It's a commercial break, and time for the Act 5 Audience Pan. " 'He was high-falutin,' a friend of Rasputin!' That's all I've got so far for my rap about czar Nicholas II." •••
It's more with Rachel Maddow. Dave turns the discussion to Ferguson, Missouri. Rachel believes the underlying problem is the people there feel very underrepresented by their government. She says three of 53 police officers are African-American, while the population is 67% black. Traffic stops are disproportionately slanted. In the shooting, reports have not been released, except for information that makes the young man look bad. (This seems to be a major turning point in the debate. Was the man who was shot free of all guilt, or had he been up to something? What's the truth about his actions when approached by the police, and did he put an officer in the position of resorting to self-defense? It may take a long time before there's a clear answer to these questions.)

Then there's the whole matter of the response to the protests, and a developing nationwide debate on whether police should be armed with military equipment. Police are probably getting armored vehicles to deal with drugs, but once they have them, they're used in other situations. We're policing people with tanks. This topic is becoming a mainstream concern, she says. Rachel brings the discussion back to her premise that black communities are being policed differently. She says there's targeting. She says the Justice Department can now approach situations from a civil rights point of view.

Dave goes back to the ISIS situation, wondering why we don't Seal Team Six the leader(s). Apparently we tried last month.

••• EMA has a network TV debut, with something from their album "The Future Is Void." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/27/14 [4075]: Shawn Pelton is in on drums for Anton Fig. Anton's been on the show(s) officially since 5/05/86, so he deserves a break! ••• Dave has a monologue funny about the MTA subway bedbugs coming back from the Hamptons, then moves on to the latest subway scandal: On August 11, the uptown A train took to the downtown tracks at Canal St., giving all the bedbugs onboard a big-time scare. Here's an announcement from the MTA. / video:

(clips): MTA subway action

(voice-over): "Earlier this week, an uptown A train was mistakenly routed to the downtown tracks. No accident occurred, but to prevent this sort of incident from happening again, effective immediately, all New York City subway trains will travel downtown only. The MTA: Going your way!"

(Midtown map): red arrows pointing southwest

••• Colorado and Washington have weed now, and some enterprising company has put tetrahydrocannabinol in pop. (Dave): "It would be kind of the opposite of diet soda, if you think about it. 'Boy, a minute ago I was just thirsty. Now I'm starving!' " / weed soda commercial:
(photos): the varieties of Legal®, our nation's newest beverage

(voice-over): "Introducing Legal®, the new marijuana-infused soda everyone is talking about! With real fruit juice from locally-grown sources, a refreshing burst of carbonation for an uplifting body buzz, and enough sugar and weed to make the typical American even lazier and more obese!"

(photo): a 30-something, tubby couch potato, pressing his remote control

(voice-over continues): Legal. Drink up, you fat, lazy tub of goo."

(me 1): This segment brought to mind 6/25/85, when Dave got in the doghouse for calling Terry Forster a "big tub of goo."

(me 2): I write this every day, beginning around midnight. I go back the next day, when I'm awake, and look for mistakes. Today I discovered that I typed "fast" instead of "fat" in reference to the "tub of goo." Oops. It's a good thing no one reads this.

••• It's time for the U. S. Open in tennis. The early rounds can be a bit dull. CBS has found a way to make it more fun. / video:
(title graphic and rock music)

(match video, Kuznetsova vs. Erakovic): The joke is wacky sound FX with each play: boing, goofy bell, sheep baa, New Year's Eve noisemaker, plop, who-knows-what, honk)

(title graphic)

••• Burger King® is moving to Canada for a tax dodge, by buying Canadian donut chain Tim Hortons®. Warren Buffett is in on the deal. Barack Obama is not happy in the least. His public response was telling. / video:
(clip): Warren Buffett, probably talking about money

(Steve Young voice-over): "Financed by billionaire Warren Buffett, Burger King® will purchase Canadian donut chain Tim Hortons®, in order to avoid paying American taxes. Upon hearing about the deal, President Obama immediately took back Buffett's Medal of Freedom."

(clip of Obama placing the medal on Buffett, now played backward)

(Steve Young voice-over): "More news, after this."

(Paul, grinning): "They ran it backwards. They ran the tape backwards! That's all they did."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Don't throw away those peach pits! You can re-use them as nectarine pits!" / a plug for the Volkswagen Turbocharged Sales Event •••

desk chat:

  1. It's hot outside. Is there a bank building nearby to check the temperature? Nope. Paul guesses it's 97° F. We'll go with that. OK, what's the "feels-like" temperature? Paul announces that it's 197° F. Spontaneously, Paul starts playing The Lovin' Spoonful's "Summer in the City" on piano.

    (me): 1. It was officially 84° F at JFK during taping, and 2. Paul is the best!

  2. Out of nowhere: An electric bell rings. Dave knows what that means! It's time for a Grape Break™!

    (me): Now, how is it that Paul didn't know what the bell meant, but 10 seconds later he's conducting the CBSO in the peppy Grape Break™ theme song? OK, let's go with it, and see where this takes us. (CBS video)

    Back to Dave, a large white grape has appeared on Dave's desktop. Dave turns to Nancy Agostini to see if there's video of the juicy morsel falling on his desk. Look! There's another one! (All the while, the cutesy Grape Break™ logo is shown onscreen.) Dave confides in us that the grape was supposed to be lowered on a monofilament line, not dropped. The sumbitch fell! He could have been injured. Dave goes back to whining about the heat, while waiting on the control room to hopefully come up with a replay.

    Dave looks up in the rafters and opens his mouth, ready to receive a white grape, attached to a monofilment line by way of a sewing needle, skillfully lowered to his mouth by stagehand Tommy O'Brien (the Late Show bear). I think I saw stage manager Eddie Valk1 up there, too, to coordinate the stunt. Dave eventually captures the grape, and calls for the peppy new theme song. (.mp3) (YouTube)

    (me): It's another theme song for the Audio Archives!

••• TTL montage / Alan Kalter announces our sponsor, Pmart®.
(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Pmart®, America's First Discount Urine Store™.

(photos): deer and other critters

(Alan continues): "Repel pests the natural way, with our great selection of predator urine! We've got genuine coyote urine, fox urine, bobcat urine, mountain lion urine, wolf urine and bear urine! Available in gel, spray and convenient granules! Visit thepeemart.com for all your predator urine needs. Remember: There is no 'P' in 'team.' Back to you, duckface."

(video)

(me, edit): I wondered while writing this up if this might be a cleverly-disguised commercial. "Naw," I said to myself, "it's too far over the top." Now I'm back after sunrise, after a visit to alt.fan.letterman, to report that my friend Danny Page posted that the URL isn't bogus, after all. Thanks, Danny.

••• desk chat: You show me the guy who collects urine from a bear, and I'll buy him dinner for the rest of his life! (Paul): "Bear Urine. That's the name of his show, you see. A lot of great episodes!" ••• [TTL setup: Kentucky Senator and eye doctor, Rand Paul, is not certified by the American Board of Ophthalmology, but he is certified by a board that he created. (Dave): "It's like giving myself an Emmy."] / Top Ten Signs Your Eye Surgeon May Not Be Board Certified / #8: Keeps calling you "Four Eyes" •••

desk chat: Dave calls for another white grape. There's 0.5" of needle protruding below the grape. Dave cheats and makes an adjustment. (Dave, with his dumb guy impression): "Drop this down on Dave's head. He don't care." Tommy adjusts the grape's altitude, and away we go. / closing theme song (.mp3)

•••

James McAvoy plugs The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby: Them . He has a fun story about going to a bachelor party (called a stag party where he's from). The boys loaded up in an SUV cab, and start boozing it up. While enroute, they hear police sirens. It turns out the wise guy cab driver comes equipped with FX. There's no police, after all. To top off the performance, the driver plays the Benny Hill theme song. Paul's caught off-guard in terms of playing the song, but just a bit later, the CBSO has it ready, and Aaron Heick delivers a fine saxophone solo.
•••
Dave messes up the intro for Christopher "Mad Dog" Russo, saying "High Meat" instead of "High Heat." Tony gives up and tears the cue card in half. Regardless, Chris is ever ready to fill in a gap in the week's schedule.

Chris and Dave have a spirited discussion about the Baseball Hall of Fame... namely, whether Pete Rose should ever be in. Chris asserts that with 4,200 hits, he should be in. Dave says his accomplishment on the field can't be taken away, but Major League Baseball shouldn't induct him officially. Pete will have the recognition, regardless, but he lied about betting while he was a manager.

Chris says that currently, Seattle and the Kansas City Royals (having their best season since winning the World Series in 1985) are the best bet in the playoffs.

Finally, they talk about Johnny Manziel recently being caught giving the finger in a preseason game. He's having a terrible preseason. (I don't like him, because his PR machine swiped the Heisman Trophy from Kansas State's Collin Klein.)

••• (me): I read this week that Will Lee recently suggested to Paul that as the Late Show winds down, the CBSO should play the music they played on Late Night, years ago. Guess what! We hear them playing "Green Onions" out of commercial. In the interim between NBC and CBS (June to August 1993) the band put out a CD, "The World's Most Dangerous Party." I've had the CD for 21 years now, and have played it countless times. I'm not getting a piece of the action on this.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Does the ink they use to print expiration dates ever go bad?" ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Matt McClure, audience coordinator. ••• The Last Internationale sing. Unlike a lot of the musical acts, I thought they were really good, and Dave agreed. He loved them! (edit): Here's the performance on YouTube. Their lead singer babe is gorgeous! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1 Nope. I blew it. Wahoo Mike writes in the Wahoo Gazette that it was stage manager Frank Comito... not Edward... up there with Tommy O'Brien. I blame the poor lighting in the rafters.

8/28/14 [4076]: Shawn Pelton is in on drums for Anton Fig. ••• interruption: It's a promo for U. S. Open tennis coverage. / video:

(U.S. Open graphic)

(voice-over): "Tonight, U.S. Open early round highlights. Catch a full hour of action."

(clips): We see about five players bouncing a tennis ball before serving.

(voice-over): " U.S. Open - Just Bouncing. Only on ESPN."

(ESPN logo)

••• We've been hearing this summer about the terrible drought in California. How can we help? / video:
(clip): barren California landscape and dramatic music

(voice-over): "As California struggles through a severe drought, we're asking people around the country to help out, however they can. So, if you live outside the state, and have loved ones residing in California, consider mailing them some extra water."

(photo): a pitcher and glass of ice water

(Late Show writers' assistant Mike Leech in a break room): "Here you go, Nana," he says, as he pours a pitcher of H2O into a padded envelope.

(scene in a California home): Grandma pours about two ounces of water into a tea cup.

(photo of Mike and voice-over): "They'll be glad you did. A Message from idiots."

••• Dave announces that the Republican Party wants to improve its street cred with the younger set. That seems to be what matters these days. What better way to do that than video games, right? / video:
It's a Mario Brothers video game underway. We see "DEPORT MARIO." Soon the height-challenged little dude encounters a great big INS agent, who escorts Mario off to parts unknown. "GAME OVER."
••• Personalities change as people go through their lives. / video:
(scene): The National Institutes of Health headquarters

(voice-over): "According to a study of almost 4,000 people between the ages of 20 and 80, the stability of one's personality increases through youth, and into middle age, and peaks in our 50s, before we slide back into less-stable versions of ourselves."

(clip of something from Mike McIntee's "Odd Dave" file): Dave's at his desk, looking over at Paul, repeating some kind of gibberish.

(voice-over): "Dan Noonan, Fake CNN."

••• [Arby's™ did a promotion showing every meat on their menu. Customers started coming in, asking if they could get what they saw, so Arby's™ developed the Meat Mountain™. What do you get for $10? 2 chicken tenders, 1.5 oz. of roast turkey, 1.5 oz. of ham, 1 slice of Swiss cheese, 1.5 oz. of corned beef, 1.5 oz. brisket, 1.5 oz. of Angus steak, 1 slice of cheddar cheese, 1.5 oz. roast beef and 3 half-strips of bacon. They've slapped together a commercial.] / video:
(photo): an Arby's™ restaurant

(female voice-over): "Hey, America, bring your appetite down to Arby's™, and try our new Meat Mountain™ sandwich!"

(assembly animation)

(female voice-over): "We start with one of our signature sandwich rolls, topped with melted cheese. Then we add our famous roast beef, smoked ham, barbecued brisket, oven-roasted turkey, crispy bacon, corned beef, chicken tenders and grilled Angus steak! And, this week only, try a Meat Mountain™ sandwich at a participating Arby's™ location, and receive 25% off headstone engraving!"

(FX): church bell ringing

(headstone photo): "Lou Thompson, 1963-2014. Gone to that meat mountain in the sky."

(FX): "25% off" graphic pops onto the screen, beside the headstone

(voice-over): "Arby's™. The Meat Pile People."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "All-Purpose Excuse": "My komodo dragon has been sick." / a plug for Febreze® ••• Top Ten Things I, Dave, Will Do for Labor Day Weekend / #4: Sacrifice goat to ensure a bountiful harvest •••
Mike Myers is in to plug Supermensch: The Legend of Shep Gordon, which he directed, but Dave begins the proceedings by asking about Mike's children.

Mike's very proud of his kids. His boy is named Spike. His daughter is Sunday Molly Myers. They named her Sunday because they hate Sundays, and decided they should try to turn that around.

Spike will be three in a month, and he's already doing comedy bits. He does cartoon sound FX, and he's developed a comedy accent that doesn't come from his native New York City. It's more Jamaican. When Molly moved into the household, Spike inquired, "Is she staying here?" If Mike needs a diaper for Molly, Spike says, "I'm on it!" He plays the hero when he does it. "You're a great big brother, Spike," Mike says, and Spike replies, "Just doin' my job." Mike has all kinds of fun stories about his family.

Dave really likes the Shep Gordon movie, and Shep was an awesome guest on June 17. Mike met Shep in 1991, when making Wayne's World. Alice Cooper was in it, and Shep was Alice's manager. Shep was doing his trademark stunts back then, setting up his clients to get arrested for the publicity, etc. He has a theory of show business he calls guilt by association. For example, if he was a nice, well-behaved client like Anne Murray, he'll arrange for her to be seen with the wrong element. The best thing I can say about this interview is to find video and watch it. Mike was a great guest.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the eerie story of a man who applied for a credit card--only to find that he'd been pre-approved!" ••• Bonnie McFarlane does stand-up. Look for her documentary, Women Aren't Funny, on iTunes. ••• John Fullbright sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: the Late Show staff 21st anniversary (on CBS) photo

8/29/14: REPEAT FROM 8/21/14

9/01/14: REPEAT FROM 8/19/14

It was a better day than I expected. I have some Apple stock. I was afraid it might take a dive because some ladies didn't have all their clothes on. AAPL actually went up 0.8%. Not only that... I found 11¢ in a parking lot. There's good stuff tonight, especially Dave's desk chat and Luke Wilson's interview. Cook up some Explod-O-Pop® and get comfy. This will take a while.

One other thing... I wonder if CNN has gotten after the Late Show for using their logo and anchors' names in comedy segments. Last week, for the first time, a bogus reporter signed off with "Fake CNN," and tonight we'll see the red logo "CNNNN."

9/02/14 [4077]: monologue:

"What an awful day today, isn't it? Just horrible! I mean, it's 90 and insufferable. No, wait a minute. That's me!"

"I know nobody cares about our problems here in New York City, but isn't it just lousy hot today? Here's how hot it is. I get on the subway this morning, and I saw a rat eating a Dove® bar."

"Dr. Phil was 64 yesterday... People want to get him something... How about a medical degree?" (Dave, imitating Dr. Phil's drawl): "A dog don't pee on a moving car!"

Dave has trouble saying superfluous tonight, but the audience enjoyed it, so shut up!

••• Here's a brand new segment: "We See What You're Doing and We Don't Like It." / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme song)

(clip): Nick Mangold and Coach Rex Ryan of the New York Jets are being interviewed by Otis Livingston, WCBS-TV sports reporter. We can't hear a word of what's going on, but who cares? The real show is a character (probably Jace Amaro) behind Coach Ryan who's photobombing the interview by stroking his dark mustache, over and over. This performance continues for about 20 seconds.

(title graphic and goofy theme song)

••• Dave's been taken of late with Meet the Press hosts with two first names and/or two last names. Then Dave Greg David Gregory got the boot last month. Now it seems that Chuck Todd has gotten the nod as the replacement, as we see in "Chuck Todd - On It." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(split screen with Savannah Guthrie of Today): "That was one of my, uh, favorite days of the year... just being able to hold your lovely daughter."

Savannah has joined him by skype. There's a delay, so she's just smiling and waiting to hear him, it seems. She smiles and nods, and says nothing for a long time, until, "Aww."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Texas governor Rick Perry's in big trouble with that pesky corruption charge. "Rick Perry in Trouble" / video:
(photo): the governor

(voice-over): "Texas governor, Rick Perry, denied responsibility for tweeting this photo of Travis County district attorney Rosemary Lehmberg..."

The Twitter photo has the caption, "I don't always drive drunk at 3X the legal blood alcohol limit... but when I do, I indict Gov. Perry for calling me out about it. I am the most drunk Democrat in Texas."

(voice-over continues): "despite the fact that it was posted to the governor's own Twitter account. Perry went on to explain that the, quote, "unauthorized" photo was posted by his alter-ego, Medicated Rick Perry."

(clip): Governor Perry acting goofy during a speech, and saying, "Today has been awesome, girl."

(voice-over): "Tom Loopson, CNNNN."

••• We learned over the weekend that hackers have gotten into accounts of celebrities, swiping their naughty photos. This is a crime, except in the case of Anthony Weiner. The junk he showed was on purpose. Anyway, remember when the Chinese (maybe) hacked into George W. Bush's iPad when he was playing Scrabble? I sure do. We saw it on the 11/09/10 Late Show, so all I have to do is cut and paste! Here you go:
  • ZORF / "no" buzzer
  • FLUM / "no" buzzer
  • TURL / "no" buzzer
  • QQYP / "no" buzzer
  • WUNK / "no buzzer
  • GGGG / "no" buzzer
  • HURF / "no" buzzer
  • OOPY / "no" buzzer
  • ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Thanks a lot, Lincoln! I didn't want my rail split!" / a plug for Acura TLX •••

    desk chat:

    1. Dave starts a weather report: 92° F, humidity: 53%, barometer: 29.96 steady

    2. Dave was driving into the city yesterday, and got in a mess of a traffic jam on the West Side Highway. "The three lanes of traffic turned to glue. It's just glue. Have you ever seen a mouse struggling for its life in a glue trap? Hands... hands. Let me see 'em! Hands. It's horrible, and it's why PETA is in business. Let me tell you that." Dave goes on to describe his fellow motorists. There was an enormous woman driving an enormous BMW SUV with no license plate. Dave got to enjoy her radio with her. She was partaking of some weed. In the rear view window, Dave sees a lovely teenage girl, doing the whole text message thing. Which driver will get Dave first, "the tweeter or the stoner?" Dave says, "And then she lights up one of those e-cigs." (pause) Paul inquires, "Is that the punchline of the bit?" Dave enjoyed him smarting off with that. Me, too.

    3. weather report concludes: wind: SW 11 MPH, visibility: 10 miles

    4. outside cam / Dave cracks, "It's like Dodge City today. There's one lone pigeon." (Paul picks up a harmonica and plays campfire music.) / PA announcement from "Mayor de Blasio" / Late Show Hose Cam™ / It's an impressive flow tonight.
    •••
    Luke Wilson plugs The Skeleton Twins, which opens on September 12. He shares the screen with that hottie who Dave Sikula doesn't like, Kristen Wiig. The film's tag line is, "Having both coincidentally cheated death on the same day, estranged twins reunite with the possibility of mending their relationship."

    Something I appreciated about Luke was he came with funny material. He didn't bring wacky props like Bill or Bruce, but was naturally funny, regardless. Dave asks who he likes in films. Luke likes comedic guys, and Nick Nolte, Jack Nicholson and John Belushi.

    He's been having trouble at home (and he lives alone). His doggie moved down the street with a younger family, and changed her name, to boot.

    Luke's happy that it's Fashion Week. "A real sense of possibility in the air," he says, then goes on to say, "It's kind of like how maybe you and Paul feel during Fleet Week." Dave enjoyed that one.

    He's staying in the West Village, with lots of artists and writers. There was a catastrophe when the arts & entertainment section of his roommate's Times was swiped on Sunday. "It was like a double homicide!"

    In a call with brother Owen, Luke was informed that Kristen Wiig "had a lot of fun working with you." Luke didn't like his tone. Kristen may have been his movie wife, but she's still his wife, nevertheless.

    Finally, Dave asks about a documentary Luke made about moving the shuttle Endeavour to its final location. He had no approval or passes, but found that if you put on a short-sleeved white shirt and a tie, and carry a clipboard, it's amazing what you can get access to.

    (If there's a construction project in Athletics or something here at the university that I want to see, I've found that all you have to do is put on a purple polo shirt with the university's logo, and clip a Motorola handheld radio on your belt. You have instant credibility with workers on-site. They'll tell you anything you want to know, and will hold doors open for you! Try it sometime. Be sure to act like you know exactly what you're doing. Of course, the radios cost $1,600, so that's one bump in the road. Look at the access I got, via this stunt, for my photo tour of our new $18,000,000 Basketball Training Facility, three days before it opened. Workers were holding locked doors open for me and my camera.)

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back, the heartwarming story of an orphaned maple sapling that was raised by an oak tree." •••
    Julie Chen (who we haven't seen since 5/13/14), is on to plug Big Brother and The Talk. Big Brother is just ending 16 seasons, and I believe The Talk has run for five.

    Her goal was to be on 60 Minutes, and she was afraid that being on Big Brother would prevent that ever happening. She's done just fine, regardless. Dave has a secret revelation for Julie: "One time when I was living in Indiana, I killed a hitchhiker."

    ••• Lee Brice sings. If you missed it, think of a professional wrestler singing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    I mentioned not long ago that Will Lee suggested to Paul Shaffer that the CBSO should play the songs that they played in the old days, especially on Late Night, I take it. Tonight they played a truly great song, The Brothers Johnson's "Strawberry Letter 23."

    There's a fun new segment tonight, "Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers." It's going to feature two famous gents, Jack Nicholson and Steven Tyler, who have man boobs. We'll see the same shirtless photos of them that we saw during Martin Short's awesome song, "Swimsuit Season," which he performed three months ago tonight on LSDL. Here's video of Martin's entire appearance. I wish I could have seen it. I was hanging around outside the theater during the taping. Since I'd been at the taping the day before, the six-month rule was in effect!

    9/03/14 [4078]: Todd Seda is doing Dave's cue cards tonight. Tony did 'em last night. ••• "Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers" / video:

    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (voice-over): "Steven Tyler."

    (photo): Steven's rack

    (FX): NOT HACKED onscreen

    (voice-over): "Hope you've enjoyed 'Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers.' "

    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    •••

    interruption:

    A late-teen / early-20s male appears at Dave's monologue mark. He's toting a backpack.

    (Dave): "Oh, my... You scared me silly. Hi. How're ya doin'?"

    (guy): "Hey, Mr. L, my folks are here. I just wanted to say..."

    (Dave): "Your folks are here? That's great!"

    (guy): "I just wanted to say goodbye, and thanks!"

    (Dave): "Uh huh.

    (guy): "I never thought that summer school could change my life, but it did. You were tough, fair, and you never let me give up on my education... or myself. I'll never forget you, Mr. L."

    (The guy spontaneously grabs Dave for a bear hug, then exits the stage quietly.)

    (audience): extended applause

    (Paul): "Well?"

    (Dave): "I have no idea who that is." (pause) "I think he's that kid from Whippy." 1 (I think he said.) (Nope. Whitby... Whitby, Ontario) (This was an audience shout out.)

    •••

    interruption:

    (WKRN-TV2 news bulletin graphic and "we interrupt this program" music)

    (voice-over): "We interrupt this program for a WKRN news bulletin. Now, here's Bob Mueller."

    (Bob Mueller, WKRN News 2, Nashville): "I like my girls chubby."

    (voice-over): "This has been a WKRN News bulletin. We now return to Love American Style, already in progress."

    ••• "Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers" / video:
    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (voice-over): "Jack Nicholson."

    (photo): Jack's rack

    (FX): NOT HACKED onscreen

    (voice-over): "Hope you've enjoyed 'Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers.' "

    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    ••• "Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers" / video:
    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (voice-over): "David Letterman."

    (clip): Dave, at his command module, bares a shoulder, sort of, as sexy music plays.

    (FX): NOT HACKED onscreen

    (voice-over): "Hope you've enjoyed 'Celebrities Not Targeted by Hackers.' "

    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "As I'm getting older, I've mellowed. I'm now more likely to pardon a store's appearance during remodeling.' •••
    Kristen Wiig plugs The Skeleton Twins, which opens on September 12.

    She's been in Asheville, North Carolina this summer, making a movie. She had time to take in the city. One thing she did was spend 1¾ hours in a sensory deprivation tank. You float on a foot of saltwater in a pitch-dark, soundproof chamber. The water is at body temperature. Supposedly they change the water after each visitor. (video)

    Kristen worked with Luke Wilson in the film, and Owen after that. Some time ago, she also worked with Andrew. They're all smart, and she enjoyed her time with them.

    She and Dave were talking about sex scenes (and parents at the screenings) when she mentions her 2010 movie, McGruber. Dave loved that one! It was stupid in the best possible way. Dad was angry after the sex scene. Kristen recalls, "I was just getting pummeled in that scene."

    ••• Backstage Photo Club: It's Justin Tasolides, assistant to Rob Burnett. •••
    Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) plugs her book, A Fighting Chance. The book is about a major point of emphasis of hers: looking out for people who work near minimum wage, who may be taken advantage of by big business. She flipped from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party in 1996. (I don't shop at the Democratic Party, but at the same time, I'm well aware of the evils that unchecked corporate greed can bring. My opinion on legislation related to big business depends on how far the pendulum swings.) She's an interesting and thoughtful person.
    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Avoid getting ripped off when investing in an original painting by Shakespeare! Our experts help you spot forgeries, after this!" ••• more with Sen. Warren ••• The New Pornographers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    1 city name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

    This isn't going to be my best entry tonight. I use Final Cut Express to capture the video. It's been putting the video files in unexpected folders for a while. I got the monologue and the tribute to Joan Rivers OK, but then I got exasperated with it, and decided to fix it. I'm all set for tomorrow, but you should always be reading the Wahoo Gazette, anyway. (Not that anyone's reading this.)

    9/04/14 [4079]:

    Assistant cue card guru Todd Seda is doing Dave's cards again tonight. This year, Todd has pretty much been leading the search engine queries that bring people to my site. He's rivaled only by constant questions about why Dave leans on that red column and points at his imaginary watch before his monologues.

    Actually, one really fun thing about these searches is there is some unknown wise guy who for the past two or three years has been constantly doing "Will It Float?" searches. "Will It Float?" usually isn't named, but he (or she) will ask something like "does kitty litter sink or float in water," "will a billiard ball float?," "travel size shampoo bottle sink or float" or "will a bowling ball float in a pool?" It's my "Will It Float?" page that brings these vital questions my way. "Will It Float?" went off the air in August 2008. Given the amount of lingering interest, maybe it should be brought back, but then I remember that Nadine Hennelly's up in Quebec with her son, and it wouldn't be right without her. The last I knew, the tank was hanging from the rafters backstage. (photo) Man... did I get off on another track, or what?

    •••
    Where's Dave? Alan and the CBSO are doing their show-opening thing, but we seem to be headed for a host-free telecast. Watching the video as I write this, I can see the audience members all facing forward, eagerly awaiting Dave. Then the lights over the audience go up, and Dave comes in via one of the black doors on the 53rd St. sidewalk. You can see sunlight coming in from the open door he used. Dave then goes to a man near the back of the audience for a handshake, and after that, goes to the red column for his nightly mystery ritual. No explanation is given.
    ••• Rosie Perez has been added to The View. (Remember when she'd come on, and Dave would ask her to say "Isuzu Trooper," which she couldn't pronounce? Of course you don't. The last time it happened may have been on 11/04/04.) Anyway, Rosie's on board, along with Nicolle Wallace, former communications chief for George W. Bush. This brings us to the first video funny of the evening. It's George W. Bush at a lectern, possibly on a podium, speechifying. He says, "Doin' a better job of talkin' to each other. The left hand now knows what the right hand is doin'." (W. raises the wrong hands as he gestures.) •••

    video interruption:

    (voice-over): "Tonight's episode is sponsored by New CBS Show to Be Determined. What happens when character-to-be-named-later must face a yet-to-be-fleshed-out crisis, while balancing some other intense responsibility we haven't nailed down yet? Don't miss Compelling Title, on day-and-time-to-come. Only on CBS."
    •••

    monologue:

    "Chris Christie is the governor of New Jersey, and he wants to be president, and, you know, I'll bet he gets the nomination. He'll probably run. It'll probably be Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie, right? Why not? That'll be a lot of fun! And now, because Chris Christie doesn't know anything about foreign policy, because he's been focusing on making lives better in the Garden State, so now he has to brush up on foreign policy, and he went to Mexico, and wherever this guy goes... Remember when he was in Africa, and he was followed by ivory poachers?"

    "And now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." (Paul): "He was taunted! Poor guy!"

    "He's down there, promoting the new Guacamole Pipeline."

    ••• You how when you watch a TV show, and you start snacking? Psychologists have studied this of late. Is there a connection between the show you're watching, and the kind of food you eat, and the quantity of food you eat? Yes. Here's "Television and Snacking Behavior." / video:
    (title graphic)

    (voice-over): "Subject A: Watched an intense action movie. Snacked heavily. Subject B: Watched an interview show. Snacked lightly. Subject C: Watched a nature show..."

    (cut to clip of a woman beside a boy elephant): "He's gotta have a massive penis, and it's gotta be positioned properly."

    (cut to clip of a guy on his couch, looking nauseus, rubbing his face)

    (voice-over): ..."Lost appetite. A message from the National Study Council."

    (graphic): National Study Council logo

    ••• Last weekend, the celebrity naked picture hacking scandal became a national topic. When this kind of thing happens, there's always someone willing to exploit the situation. / video:
    (title graphic and Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train")

    (graphic boxes): newspaper headlines on hacking

    (voice-over): "People are learning the hard way: You can't trust your nude photos the the Cloud. You need Privacy Mountain Secure Nude Photo Storage." (company logo) "Your treasured images of your own naked body are stored in our high-security, blast-proof underground facility, that's monitored around the clock." (excludes weekends and holidays) "Top government and business leaders trusted their nude photos to Privacy Mountain. Shouldn't you? Privacy Mountain Secure Nude Photo Storage: When not having nude photos of yourself isn't an option."

    (me): That was a good one!

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Movie Trivia": "Disney is working on a sequel to Frozen called Gaseous." / a plug for Target® ••• Here's a blockbuster TTL: Top Ten Mexican Nicknames for Chris Christie

    10. Porko Vallarta
    9. Don Qui-hefty
    8. Enormes Pantalones
    7. Boca Rotund
    6. Dios Meatball
    5. Cinco de Mayonnaise
    4. Lap-Bandito
    3. Chiportly
    2. Gringo Con Carne
    1. Dos Neckis

    ••• desk chat:

    Dave delivers a five-minute eulogy for Joan Rivers, who expired this afternoon. As we'd expect, Dave takes the perfect tone, which I'm sure Joan and family would appreciate, combining respect and humor. She last appeared on the Late Show on 7/08/14, and the episode was repeated on 8/08/14. In it, Dave spoofed Joan walking out of a CNN interview a few days earlier, by walking out on her interview. Joan, calling up her talk show host skills, took over and interviewed herself for a while. OK... Here's Dave (paraphrased a bit):

    She was a pioneer in stand-up comedy, and talk about guts! She was indefatigable, working about 300 dates a year. And talk about guts... She would come out here and say some things that were unbelievable! You would have to swallow pretty hard, and twice, but it was hilarious. She stood behind her jokes, and to my knowledge, would never apologize. There are no victimless jokes. She was harder on herself than anybody! She would tell these God-awful jokes about herself. She had a line of jewelry she sold on QVC. She was a money-making machine! She sold 12 best-selling books. (I haven't read 12 books.) The first time she came on the show on NBC, I was stunned and surprised. Oh, my God... the force and power of her comedy... I didn't remember that she was that funny.

    Dave hands off to Paul, who has a nice story about Joan. Victoria Shaffer, who's now 21, wanted to interview Joan for her senior project. Paul worried that Joan was too busy, but he made a call. The answer was "absolutely."

    (The control room runs a bumper with Joan's picture.)

    (video)

    ••• Steve Buscemi, a one-time firefighter, plugs his documentary, A Good Job: Stories of the FDNY, and HBO's Boardwalk Empire, which is in its final season. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: The control room cuts to Alan, who has a very special announcement: "This is a very nice lapel." ••• 2014 IndyCar Series Champ Will Power visits with Dave about their mutual racing interests. ••• alt-J (also known as Δ) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• We close with the bumper with Joan Rivers.

    9/05/14 [4080]: Assistant cue card guru Todd Seda is doing Dave's cards again tonight. ••• Rupert Jee's favorites, the New York Jets, will open against the Raiders on Sunday. Dave saw a promotion. He believes they're trying to lower expectations. See what you think. / video:

    (clips): Jets and their fans in action

    (voice-over): "Get pumped, Jets fans! The 2014 season kicks off this Sunday, and the Jets are ready to take flight. This is the year we end our 45-year championship drought, and finally hoist the Lombardi Trophy."

    (disclaimer scroll and voice-over): "The New York Jets do not guarantee a Super Bowl victory, and advise all interested parties that this will most likely be another disappointing season, leaving our already deflated fanbase to continue grasping onto past momenets of glory, while dreading another half-century of misery and embarrassment."

    (voice-over from the original guy concludes): "The New York Jets. It's going to be a super year!"

    ••• CVS Pharmacies has stopped peddling tobacco products. CVS Cares. Here's a bogus announcement for your amusement. / video:
    (photo): exterior of a CVS Pharmacy

    (female voice-over): "Here at CVS, we put the well-being of our customers first. That's why we discontinued the sale of tobacco products in our stores, because your health is more important than our profits. On sale this week: 30-packs of Coors®, just $21.99. Buy one, get one free Birthday Cake Oreos®, just $4.59, and 35-ounce barrels of cheese balls, just $14.99. Stay healthy, stay happy. CVS."

    ••• Remember the dinky former mayor, Michael Bloomberg? (Dave: "Every year, he'd make a fool of himself at the Belmont Stakes.") It seems he has returned to his old job. / video:
    (clips): exterior of Bloomberg, then Michael Bloomberg himself

    (voice-over): "After a 13-year hiatus, Michael Bloomberg announced he will return full-time as the head of his media company, Bloomberg LP. His first order of business? Lowering the ceiling in his office, so he looks enormous."

    (animation): ceiling moving down, with hydraulics sound FX

    (voice-over): "More news, after this."

    ••• "The News Is Better in Mexico" / video:
    (title graphic and theme music)

    We're not sure what we're seeing here. A Spanish-speaking host is asking a question of his guest, as a goofy animation is playing behind him. His guest is a clown.

    (title graphic)

    ••• Nicolle Wallace, former communications chief for George W. Bush, is joining The View, along with Rosie Perez. Apparently the writers will take this as a cue to replay every clip of W. saying something goofy. / video:
    (CNN coverage of President George W. Bush, at a lectern, June 4, 2006): "Yeah. Uh, I think... tide turning... See, as I remember it... I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of... It's easy to see a tide turn. Did I say those words?"

    (me): I didn't have to type. I just went back to the 7/24/14 episode log... or 1/16/09... or 8/03/07... or 1/17/07, and cut and pasted.

    (note to self): There's a pretty good list of W. mishaps in the 1/16/09 write-up.

    (me, again): This would be a good opportunity to dig out the tape of Rosie Perez trying to say Isuzu Trooper. It comes out something like Ithuzu Twooper.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "During World War II, the U.S. secretly trained a squad of raccoons to knock over Hitler's garbage cans." / a plug for Minwax® •••
    Tina Fey is in to plug her latest offering, This Is Where I Leave You. I've been looking forward to her visit all week. She is one of the funniest persons on earth.

    As I expected, the evening's visit began with an update on Tina's daughters. Her older girl, Alice, is eight. She is a joy. And then there's the other one, Penelope, who's three. With children, you have to realize that they're not you. Furthermore, you have to realize that your children, even if the same gender, are not each other. Tina says, "...'cause I kept bein' like, 'Why is this little one so mean?' "

    The three-year-old starts preschool in three weeks. It's going to be interesting. Once Tina got her signed up, Tina gave the school a heads-up: "She is not potty-trained, she's allergic to nuts and she bites." (She does think she's potty-trained.) Tina says, "I think the worst thing I can hear in my house is from someone in another room going, 'Why is this wet?' It could be anybody. It could be the dog, I could have spilled a scotch... could be anything!"

    Dave had potty-training worries about Harry. He remembers being told, "How many 16-year-olds do you know who aren't potty-trained?"

    The little one loves to go to a weekend event at the library, with a dollhouse and cars and toys, but it's over at 11 a.m. She's willfull. How do you get her out of there alive? Tina says, "It's almost like I feel like I try to use some techniques I learned working with Alec." Tina has to convince Penelope that it's her idea to leave. Upon leaving one time, after a kicking tantrum, Tina asked her if she liked going there, and wanted to come back. "Yes." Well, then, she'd better be nice. Penelope replied, "I just want to hit and kick every peoples. I just want to hurt everybody." (YouTube) Tina brings up the classic 1956 movie, The Bad Seed, with Patty McCormack as a homicidal eight-year-old. (My family watched this every time it was on TV.)


    Miss Penelope

    Dave asks about Tina's best-selling book, Bossypants. It's still out there.

    Now to the movie, which opens on September 19. The tagline from IMDB is, "When their father passes away, four grown siblings are forced to return to their childhood home and live under the same roof together for a week, along with their over-sharing mother and an assortment of spouses, exes and might-have-beens." Tina plays Jason Bateman's sister. (Justine is like, "Really?") Part of the film was shot in some unfortunate guy's house in Long Island. Tina says, "If a movie star wrecks your toilet, it's still a wrecked toilet." It's always great to have Tina on your talk show.

    ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ordering a $300 Denny's Champagne Breakfast ••• Backstage Photo Club: It's stagehands Kenny Sheehan, Harold Larkin, Jr., Bobby Colgan and Billy Palumbo. (Of course, Kenny's no longer with the show.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Which paper towel is the strongest when wet? When we come back, we'll deny having ever broached the subject." ••• Moody McCarthy does stand-up. ••• Kevin Drew sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    9/08/14 [4081]: We're very happy to report that Tony Mendez, host of the Tony Mendez Show starring Tony Mendez, is back in his cargo shorts, and on cue card duty tonight. ••• monologue: Dave's tie is a record length tonight. Paul plays the standard Late Show "Dave modeling" music. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a one-time treatment coordinator for an orthodontist. (He, the Mrs. and their offspring seem to have nice, straight teeth.) The gent retired, and Dave quotes his opinion, "Biggest mistake of my life!" ••• Derek Jeter played his last home game with the Yankees on Sept. 7, after 20 seasons, and of course was well-recognized during the game. In honor of the occasion, Dave calls for the photo of his Florida home. (Scroll to 8/20/14 above, if you must see it.) Oh, those sillies in the control room brought up a photo of Osama's dump in suburban Abbotabad. ••• Nicolle Wallace, former communications director for GWB, is beginning a stint on The View, as well documented right here last week. We'll no doubt be seeing GWB funnies for the next six weeks. / video:

    (George W. Bush at a lectern, doing a sound check): "Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House."

    (W. gazes around the room, then nods.)

    (George W. Bush): "Thanks for coming..."

    (me): That's all for today.

    ••• [On Sept. 7, Atlanta Hawks co-owner Bruce Levenson ratted himself out for a racially-oriented e-mail he sent about two years ago! He's going to sell his interest in the team.] / interruption / video:
    Part 1

    (Donald Sterling, in an interview with Anderson Cooper, after his racist phone call): "... and I'm so sorry. And I'm so apologetic."

    Part 2

    (more Donald): "I made a mistake. I hope it's in their heart to forgive me for that mistake."

    Part 3

    (Donald): "Am I entitlted to one mistake? It's a terrible mistake, and I'll never go it again."

    •••
    Sorry. Where was I? I had to escort a beetle outside.
    1. I grab the VHS tape box for my Late Show tape, which stays in the VCR, as I re-use it every night.
    2. I lay the box on the carpet, near the bug.
    3. I scare the bug.
    4. It runs into the box. If it diverts, I relocate the box.
    5. I toss the varmint onto the back lawn.
    I don't know if I ever have repeat offenders, or not. What I don't have is bug guts and exoskeleton on the carpet.
    ••• The new Meet the Press host, Chuck Todd, started yesterday. / "Chuck Todd: On It" / video:
    (title graphic and goofy theme music)

    (Barack H. Obama): "ISIL poses a broader threat, because of its territorial ambitions in Iraq and Syria..." / "Thousand of innocents in Syria..." / "...then shifted to Syria..." / "So much of the violence in Syria."

    (Chuck Todd): "You've not said the word Syria, so far, in our conversation." (NBC video)

    (FX): X plus Late Show "no" buzzer

    (title graphic and goofy theme music)

    •••

    Donald Sterling, Part 4

    (Donald): "...and I'm apologizing, and I'm asking for forgiveness. Am I entitled to one mistake in my..."
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I guess I'm a little different. I always find lost items in the third-to-last place I look." / a plug for Scrubbing Bubbles® ••• Tonight's desk chat has been weeks in the planning. The Late Show has worked tirelessly with CBS News to secure an interview with His Majesty Vladimir Putin. It'll be a split-screen arrangement, not unlike the visits with Graham Fenwick-Jones. The difference will be that we'll understand Putin's English much, much better than the gibberish we get from Graham. / Here we go.
    (me): For the record, Vladimir is attired in a suit. Apparently he is not always shirtless.

    (Dave): "Are you there, Vladimir? Can you turn on the thing? Is he here?"

    (Pooty): "I am delighted to meet members and guests of the General Assembly of the International Exhibitions Bureau."

    (Dave): "Well, thank you. That's not exactly where you are, but that's fine. I'm Dave, and this is the Late Show. Vladimir, let me ask you. Have you ever heard of the Late Show?

    (Pooty): "Not once."

    (Dave): "Now, um, I want to just start out with something. Some friends of mine have told me that Russia is thinking of opening... for the first time... a Dairy Queen®. A Dairy Queen®. Is there any truth to that rumor?"

    (Pooty): "We guarantee: it will be a priority national project."

    (Dave): "Wow! I can't tell you how excited I am, because I love Dairy Queen®, and... give me an example, now. What will it cost... the Russian Dairy Queen®, when you go in there... What will it cost for a Dilly Bar®?"

    (Pooty): "Completely free of charge."

    (Dave): "What?! Wait a minute! I want to double-check this. You're not gonna charge anything for a Dilly Bar®?"

    (Pooty): "Once again I would like to make this very clear."

    (Dave): "Uh huh. Yes. Continue. Sure."

    (Pooty): "Completely free of charge."

    (Dave): "Wow! Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen?"

    (Paul): "It's possible. See?"

    (Dave): "Yeah!"

    (Paul): "His image is really being rehabilitated."

    (Dave): "I... I am amazed about this. Now, one thing that I have noticed at the Dairy Queen®... the menu is cluttered. They have so many, many items on the menu, and I was, uh, it's confusing. And I was wondering if maybe you... could do something about that."

    (Pooty): "Surely, time has come to change this."

    (Dave): "Mmm hmm. Well, I couldn't agree more, and this has been a very eye-opening conversation. Thank you very much for your time. Ladies and gentlemen... Vladimir Putin!"

    (Pooty): "Thank you for your attention, and I hope for your support."

    (Dave, to Paul): "Absolutely, and I thought he did a nice job, don't you? Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten list."

    (me): Google! It's like shooting fish in a barrel. All I had to do was a quick search, and I brought up the transcript of Pooty's address, direct from the Kremlin! Or, if I needed it, here's Pooty's address on YouTube.

    (me again): This address occurred on June 4, 2013.

    ••• Top Ten Fine Print Clauses for Olive Garden's "Never Ending Pasta Pass" / #6: Must be able to squat twice your weight. (an audience shout out) / #3: Dignity not refundable •••
    Bill Maher plugs Real Time with Bill Maher. It's beginning its 12th season with a live, special event from Washington, D. C., in two different venues (with a urination break). The second part will be a stand-up show. Viewers will get two hours.

    Bill wants to know why Dave doesn't do stand-up anymore. Dave says he used to do a lot of junior colleges. Well, he intended to. He claims he had his manager get him out of them.

    He's worried about the environment. There's been two years of drought in California. He claims that by 2050, there will be no fish left in the oceans... except jellyfish. The oceans are turning into oil slicks and plastic dumps (which jellyfish supposedly like.)

    What about the 2016 election? Hillary Clinton will run. (Bill's not saying she will win.) Bill's advice to Hillary is, "Go away." We're gonna get sick of her. He says the country's going to do to her what Bill did: "He found someone newer and younger."

    •••
    Henrik Lundqvist of the New York Rangers, three-time NHL All-Star and Olympic gold medalist, is up next. Dave is clearly quite a fan of him and his accomplishments. Dave has endless questions, for example, how he sees where the puck's going. He says of one game, "You looked like a crazy man swatting flies." Does he ever get a break? Henrik says he loves it.

    Dave wants to know about a rebound after the goalie redirects a shot. Henrik says the difference these days is how fast the goalie recovers after the first rejection.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Is it possible for a pillow to be too comfortable? The shocking answer, after this." ••• more Henrik Lundqvist ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Janice Penino, vice-president for human resources, Worldwide Pants Incorporated, and Jeanine Kelly, Worldwide Pants Incorporated production coordinator ••• Spoon sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    9/09/14 [4082]: Apple rolled out some new gizmos today, including the iPhone 6. / video:

    There's no Apple miracle product to be seen. What we get instead is home video from some guy who looks and sounds as if he's half awake. He's wearing an oversized shirt, and apparently has himself a little cooking channel. The focus of the video is a white, plastic, hand-cranked food processor, the Spirooli.1

    (sleepy chef): "So, next we're going to process this yellow squash. Push this closed, and then literally turn this machine. You know, it takes, literally, 30 seconds to process one whole squash."

    (Cut to a clip of an audience applauding enthusiastically. The dude may have just won an Emmy Award or something for his cranking performance.)

    ••• Mitt Romney had a televised visit with Chris Wallace on Sunday, and it was a blockbuster. / video:
    (Chris Wallace): "You also did make your fair number of mistakes, and here are a few of them."

    (Mitten): "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me."

    (clip): Mitten walks into a plexiglass wall, splashing a drink all over.

    (doctored clip): It's the Late Show's 2013 "Chris Christie" trick. Mitt's head is FXd onto an actor's body. Said actor loosens his tie and starts removing his shirt, as sexy music plays.

    (Mitten): "That was a... a parade of horribles there that makes me cringe."

    (me): I spent about a half hour trying to figure out what that song was. It sounds like 70s music. It didn't play long enough to search on lyrics. Calling Micah White! Calling Don Giller!

    •••

    interruption: BBC News Special Report

    (British female voice-over and clips): "BBC News interrupts scheduled programming for this special report. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Katherine, Duchess of Cambridge, have released a statement, declaring that if their second child is male, his name will be Russell, and if female, her name will be Mitzy. We now return you to Mrs. Brown's Boys.

    (clip): Brendan O'Carroll, in drag as Agnes Brown, bounces up and down in a chair.

    (me): That was most unpleasant!

    •••

    interruption: We hear a loud siren, out on Broadway or 53rd St. / Dave: "I think my ride's here."

    ••• Here we go with another "Communications Director Nicolle Wallace" segment. We see her star pupil, George W. Bush, at his seat in the Oval Office, doing a sound check before a presidential address. If you missed tonight's episode, get out your tapes from the 1/16/09, 6/05/06 or 5/16/06 Late Show episodes to see W. with:

    "The issue of immigration stirs intense emotions. And in recent weeks, Americans have seen these emotions on display. On the streets of major cities..."

    (me): Mark my words. We'll be seeing these clips until Columbus Day.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "Be sure to safely dispose of any expired placebos." / a plug for Kayak® ••• Top Ten Thoughts Going Through My Mind During the Championship Match (presented by U. S. Open Tennis champ Marin Cilic) / #5 is a shout out to Apple's iRacket™. / #3: "When it gets quiet, I can hear the Mets being booed." •••
    Michael Strahan is an awesome guest. He's stopped by to plug Fox NFL Sunday, Good Morning, America and Live! with Kelly and Michael.

    Michael played his entire NFL career with the New York Giants. He was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio in 2014. Dave begins with a discussion of that honor, which helps with credibility with the kids. Michael's pleased that the Hall of Fame got his bust just right, especially his teeth.

    There was discussion on the recent announcement that the Baltimore Ravens' Ray Rice has been suspended, now that video of domestic violence toward his wife has gone public. Michael says that in professional football, you're involved with controlled violence, but you can't take it home with you.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Now here's my little self-esteem booster: Every time I go through a doorway, I pretend I've just succeeded in a round of Limbo." •••
    Sir Richard Branson plugs his book, The Virgin Way: Everything I Know About Leadership, which was released today.

    Dave's fascinated with the suborbital commercial spaceship Richard's Virgin Galactic is developing. They're calling it the VSS Enterprise. The ship will be initially launched by an aircraft, then released. At that point, its rocket engines will carry it to about 60,000 feet, which is considered space. Passengers will experience weighlessness for a few minutes, during its suborbital flight. The cost will be $250,000 per passenger/astronaut. Sir Richard says about 800 have signed up. Wikipedia reports that 80,000 people are on the waiting list.

    ••• Interpol sing. As a loyal viewer, I sat through it. Afterward, Dave made quite a fuss about wanting to join the band. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    1 name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

    9/10/14 [4083]: Ray Benson from Asleep at the Wheel is sitting in on guitar. He's not a newbie, as he also sat in on 5/23/01, 6/24/03 and 2/26/08. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a clergyman. He's going to have his work cut out for him tonight. ••• This is awesome. It's an ad for the iPhone 6, which Apple rolled out this week. / video:

    Look! It's former associate director Pete Fatovich, dressed in black like Steve Jobs, standing in front of a black curtain.

    (Pete): "And now, Bell Telephone is proud to present the latest breakthrough in landline phone technology."

    (Pete picks up a TouchTone® desk phone that has a special feature.)

    (Pete): "It's got a pencil holder!"

    (clip): a quick shot of an unknown audience applauding / It could be a Late Show audience. They applaud a lot.

    (Pete): "See you next year!"

    (Bell Telephone® clip of someone dialing an even older phone)

    (graphic): "The End"

    (video)

    •••

    It's Pat Farmer's interruption #0006 for 2014. He's been very well-behaved this year, hasn't he?

    (Pete's face moves into photobomb position on the floor camera.)

    (Dave): "What? What's this? What? What is he doin' here?"

    (Paul): "I don't know."

    (Pat): "Hiya, Dave."

    (Dave): "It's Pat Farmer... one of our stagehands, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Pat. What are you...?"

    (Pat): "Hi, Dave. Dave..."

    (Dave): "Pat Farmer. What are you... what are you doin', Pat?"

    (Pat): "Dave, I just sat next to a wonderful woman on the subway, but I never got her name."

    (Dave): "Uh huh."

    (Pat, to the camera): "So, if you're out there, I'm Patrick. I like to watch television... read... I love to sing."

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (Pat begins to sing.)

    (Dave): "Oh, no, no, no. Please don't. For the love of... Oh, I'm beggin' you. Please don't sing. Paul?"

    (me): Dave and Pat are talking/singing on top of each other now.

    (Pat, singing the UB40 version of "Red Red Wine," at least until he starts making stuff up): "Red, red wine / Go to my head / Tells me I need to go / That I love you so / Red red wine."

    (Dave): "Get him... get him out of there! That's fine. Stop it! Just..." Thanks, Pat. Beat it!"

    (Pat): "I'm goin' home, Dave."

    (Dave): "You're goin' home? OK. Thanks, Pat."

    (audience): applause and cheers, for a couple of seconds, anyway

    (video)

    ••• Did you see Chuck Todd interview Barack Obama on Meet the Press on Sunday? (Ray did.)
    (Chuck Todd with Obama)

    (Chuck): "This wouldn't be Meet the Press if I didn't have a chart with me. It's a little small here. It'll be bigger for the television viewers."

    (POTUS): "Make it a bigger version."

    (Chuck): "I will, yeah. There you go."

    (me): Chuck had a chart alright, but the Late Show has a chart, entitled "JOB PERFORMANCE," that's way more fun. It's a one-bar bar graph, I guess you'd say. The possible ratings are good, bad, stinks and YOU. Barack Obama (YOU) came in below "stinks."

    (Obama): "I think elections matter. I think votes matter."

    (animated graphic and Pete Fatovich voice-over): "Meet the Press will be right back."

    ••• Did you see the commercial for the new Apple smart watch? / video:
    (various graphics)

    (voice-over): "Apple revolutionizes timekeeping, with the amazing new Apple Watch. When you want to know the time, just press the button. The Apple Watch sends a wireless signal to Apple headquarters, where our system matches the Apple Watch request to your unique account ID, which has been linked to your e-mail address. Within moments, you receive an e-mail containing your confirmation code, which you enter into your Apple Watch. Apple then cross-references your time zone location, which is provided by the Apple Watches' GPS. Now just log into your Apple Watch, by entering your username and password, and the current time is displayed. That's all there is to it!"

    (graphic): Apple logo

    (voice-over): "Apple: When you're here, you're family."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "It's time for Slidin' Graphic." / Slidin' Graphic slides back and forth. / "Enough!" / a plug for Aflac® •••

    desk chat:

    1. Dave asks Paul to introduce Ray Benson.

    2. Bruce Levenson of the Atlanta Hawks sent an inappropriate e-mail. Now he has to sell his interest in the Hawks. Former NBA commissioner David Stern returns to address the situation and provide insight.

      (Dave): "Thank you very much for being here, Commissioner. Now, let's just begin. Is there anything that a man can do, in the position of commissioner, to set an example for the entire league? For example, when you were commissioner, what did you do to set an example for people all over the country, to represent basketball?"

      (David Stern): "I am an inspiration to short, unathletic kids everywhere!"

      (Dave): "Alright. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Commissioner David Stern, ladies and gentlemen."

      (In keeping with tradition, Mr. Stern exits the stage by walking backward. His exit is so effortless and smooth, one would almost think we're watching videotape played backward.)

      (ddy.com Fun Fact): Mr. Stern is, in fact, appearing by videotape, from his Top Ten presentation on 1/29/14.

    ••• Alan Kalter informs us that tonight's TTL is sponsored by Wig Goddess of Miami. (Cut to Alan, who's wearing a red turban that supposed to be a wig.) ••• Top Ten Reasons You're Still Single / #6 is a shout out to a guy wearing a navy blue Late Show shirt he got at Rupert's. •••
    Dr. Phil McGraw is on to plug the 13th season of his show, which needs no introduction. Marriage is the first topic. On an early date, Dr. Phil's wife of 38 years... then his new girlfriend, asked how he felt about marriage (as they were walking by a church). Before we get very far, Dave picks on Dr. Phil, showing a doctored photo of him wearing Alan's turban "wig." It's supposedly his wedding outfit. Dr. Phil gets Dave back by saying, "You don't look good. You don't have, like, Ebola or something, do you?"

    Dave and Dr. Phil have a very serious discussion of domestic violence, in the wake of the NBA player who was caught on video beating up his wife in a public place. His experience is that often the most-dangerous stage of an abusive relationship is the spouse attempting to leave. Domestic abuse is one of the two most-underreported crimes. Actually, Dr. Phil's first show covered the topic of "silent epidemics."

    After seeing Dr. Phil's @LETTERMAN card about seeing Dave at the old folks' home, I looked at IMDB. He's 18 days younger than me. Where did the years go?

    (90 MB video)

    ••• Act 5 is a mini-concert with Ray Benson. ••• Katharine McPhee plugs Scorpion. Its IMDB tag line is, "An eccentric genius forms an international network of super-geniuses to act as the last line of defense against the complicated threats of the modern world." It's based on a real character, who has an IQ of 197... the fourth-smartest person ever. It's on CBS! ••• Death from Above 1979 sing. ••• partial closing credits ••• [somewhere in this episode: Backstage Photo Club card: Pat O'Keefe, Worldwide Pants Incorporated senior vice-president for production finance]

    9/11/14 [4084]: Someone is offering parking spaces on Crosby Street in Lower Manhattan for $1,000,000 each. At first Dave thought it was VA. To see what VA means, look on your keyboard to the right of each letter in "VA." Wrong, Dave! It's true, and here's the phony video to prove it.

    (scene): New York City parking meter

    (graphics overlay): "Paid $00.00   Balance $1,000,000

    (man inserts a quarter)

    (new graphics overlay): "Paid $00.25   Balance $999,999.75

    (man inserts a quarter)

    (new graphics overlay): "Paid $00.50   Balance $999,999.50

    (and so on, to 75¢, $1.00 and a whopping $1.25)

    ••• Has anyone gotten the new iPhone thing? The horn section have, anyway. (Dave, however, is still using the old iPhone Diesel™.) / Apple ad video:
    (clip): Apple boss Tim Cook, onstage for a product rollout

    (female voice-over): "Apple has now developed devices that are 1.6", 1.8", 2.5", 4", 4.5", 4.9", 4.7", 5.5", 7.9", 9.7", 11", 13", 15" and 17", but our talented engineers know that many sizes remain unrepresented in our product line. Apple invites you to send your size ideas for future devices to sizes@apple.com."

    (graphic): Apple logo

    (female voice-over): "A message from Apple's new mascot, Jesse."

    (FX): animated Yosemite Sam-looking cowboy cracks whip and exclaims, "Yeehaw!"

    •••
    new FX feature: We hear a sound not unlike tire inflation. Dave's body balloons up to twice his usual size. A few seconds later, we hear the sound of deflation, and he returns to normal.

    (me): How did they do that? When Dave inflates, we see the decorative wall behind him inflate, too. But... once he reaches Chris Christie's size, we see Dave moving around, independent of the decorative wall behind him.

    •••

    monologue:

    "Dick Cheney says we have to eliminate ISIS. That's what Dick Cheney is saying. And I thought, 'Good idea, Dick. Why don't you take them hunting?' "
    ••• encore: Dave balloons up to Chris Christie's magnitude again ••• CBS has a new half-hour sitcom, based on the Iraqi war. / video:
    (me): Remember Welcome Back, Kotter?

    (Welcome Back, Kotter theme song and large road sign): "WELCOME TO IRAQ   ESTABLISHED in 1920   MUHAMMAD FUAD MASUM PRESIDENT"

    (clips, as the theme song plays): soldiers in the desert

    (graphics over the clips): "Welcome back, America." / "co-starring PRESIDENT OBAMA" / "with JOHN KERRY as SECRETARY OF STATE" / "JOHN BOEHNER as SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE" / "CHUCK HAGEL as SECRETARY OF DEFENSE" / "and JOHN TRAVOLTA as BARBARINO" / "created by GEORGE W. BUSH and DICK CHENEY"

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Now here's my Million Dollar Idea: greeting card rental." / a plug for Depend® •••

    desk chat:

    1. When you're gathered at home with your loved ones (presuming you have loved ones) to watch the Late Show, Dave says, "When I'm standing, do me the courtesy of standing in your home." Dave says it would mean a great deal to him. (I tried it. It was OK, but Dave didn't seem to notice.)

    2. What do we know about celebrities? 1) A lot of celebrities are in prison. 2) A lot of celebrities have posed naked, and the pictures have now been hacked by the Chinese. 3) Most celebrities have celebrity fragrances. Dave asks who has purchased a celebrity fragrance. The horn section have, but we have a little twist tonight, as Paul raises his right hand with them.

    3. A new report informs us that celebrity-endorsed perfumes are struggling. The bottom has dropped out, but somehow it's all under control.
    •••

    commercial / video:

    (smooth-talking voice-over and sexy saxophone music): "From Elizabeth Arden, the makers of Someday, the Justin Bieber fragrance, and Wonderstruck, the Taylor Swift perfume, comes Civilian, a line of fragrances inspired by average strangers, including guy at the Post Office, lady from accounts receivable and weird neighbor. Elizabeth Arden: inhale through your nose, and leave the rest to us."
    ••• Top Ten Things to Look Forward to in the New Television Season / #9: 60 Minutes adds a young, edgy, 75-year-old correspondent / #5: America's Got Talent is misspelled / #2: Donald Sterling's new talk show (From 6/19/14, we see the doctored clip with Donald Sterling appearing with Paula Deen, whining, "I'm not a racist. I love people. I always have." Dave calls for two replays. Paul says Sterling reminds him of Buddy Hackett.) •••
    Jason Bateman plugs his movie with Tina Fey, This Is Where I Leave You, which opens on Sept. 19. (Would it kill him to bring Justine along sometime?) He's been making the talk show rounds, but has saved the best (Dave) for last.

    Jason begins with birthday wishes for his mother. Then he gets into a very lengthy discourse about his hair. He grew it out over the summer for a part. His big hair reminded him of Kristy McNichol (photo), who he had a crush on. (I did, too.) At the height of her fame, Kristy had that swept-back, 80s hair that Jason will talk about for several minutes. Anyway, Jason played a character who'd hit "screw it." (no longer cares)

    His wife likes his longer hair, and didn't want him to cut it, 'cause it's workin'. Jason says, "She says, 'We're stayin' home tonight,' and I got a night out of it." He goes on, "Married for 14 years... you take your nights." So, the next day (after he got his night), he's going to get his hair cut, "because I'm set for the month." Then Jason says, "That's not true. We have a good frequency over at our house." Dave fusses for a moment about where this is going, and Jason piles on, "She gives you a month's worth, Dave." "Alright!," Dave hollers. At this point Will Lee (or Paul) starts playing a heartbeat, and Dave once again hollers, "Alright!" Jason's not done. He says, "So, I have a conversation with my mirror face, and he says, 'Yeah. I know we had a great night last night, but you've gotta go get rid of one of the wings.' " He claims his wife met him at the hair place and tackled the woman with the scissors. Jason tells Dave he's 45. Dave replies, "You've always looked youthful, energetic and ready-to-go." "At least once a month," Jason says. He has a friend who uses a cue word for his mirror face, pretending he's being directed to deliver the look. (The mirror face thing's kind of like Robert Redford rolling his eyes in Legal Eagles when he didn't believe a defendant.)

    Jerry Foley goes to commercials with a split screen of the Kristy McNichol photo linked above + Jason.

    Dave says he enjoyed Jason's chemistry with Tina Fey. Then there's a discussion of Jane Fonda's FX hooters in the film. Jane was apparently quite proud of the phony rack. She played Jason's mother in the film, so his character was uneasy in the presence of her casually-displayed FX breastal units.

    (me): Jason has been an awesome guest on the show over the years. He was there when I dropped by for a taping on 6/19/08, and was very funny.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Not only are hammocks comfortable to lie in, they're great for keeping a pair of trees from drifting apart." •••
    Billy Eichner makes a very speedy entry. He's in to promote Billy on the Street, which is tied in with "Funny or Die," and can be viewed on Amazon somehow. He and Dave begin with a mention of how much Joan Rivers did to help Billy get his career moving. For example, she promoted him to the Late Show producers, some years back.

    Now, this is hilarious. I love the idea of it, and Billy and Dave made it great. What we're talking about now is "Celebrity Child or Kentucky Derby Winner?," a game Billy plays with guests on his show. (Dave wants to play this because he knows Billy is going to scream at him like a madman.) Earlier this week, I looked at one of the many online lists of ridiculous celebrity children's names. Those Hollywood peeps apparently are all trying to outdo each other in that department. Billy lays a pile of $1 bills (the prize jackpot) on the desk, and away they go. (YouTube)

    Pilot Inspektor: son of celebrity Jason Lee (whoever that is)

    War Admiral: racehorse

    Blue Angel: child of U2's The Edge

    Wintergreen: racehorse

    Dust Commander: racehorse

    Diva Muffin: Frank Zappa's daughter

    Thunder Gulch: racehorse

    Moxie CrimeFighter: daughter of Penn Jillette

    Flying Ebony: racehorse

    Jermajesty: son of Jermaine Jackson

    Bluebell Madonna: daughter of Geri Halliwell

    Pink Star: racehorse

    Little Pixie Frou Frou: daughter of Bob Geldof

    Darby Rudd: daughter of Paul Rudd

    Dave loved this game, especially the screaming. Billy says they think up new games all the time. Dave calls for more. Billy suggests "Dead or Boring." (Does Dave think they're dead, or does Billy think they're just boring?)

    Buddy Holly? Dead.

    Elvis? Dead.

    Tupac? Dead.

    Heidi Montag? Boring.

    Dave and Billy conclude the proceedings with an epic screaming match. I'm going to add video of this interview, but it's 3 A.M. It'll be a good weekend project.

    ••• Ryan Adams sings. Dave calls for an encore. ••• bumper: I believe it's a shot of the World Trade Center area. Today is September 11.

    9/12/14 [4085]: Stay tuned to see where this audience shout out takes us:

    (Dave): "Maybe you can tell, watching at home. I hope we have that kind of relationship, that you can tell that I'm excited. You're lookin' at a man, for the first time in a long, long long time... Saturday night, I have a date." (Cut to a lady and her husband in the audience.) (Paul): "Take it to the limit, baby." (Dave): "I'm kinda nervous!"
    •••

    monologue:

    "Uh, welcome to the Late Show. Welcome to New York City. Let me tell you a little bit about New York City. New York City... not like any other city in the world. It's unique, and that's what we love about New York City. Listen to this. If you're havin' trouble parkin' your car, the city will now sell you desirable parking spaces... for a million dollars. For a million dollars. And you're thinkin', 'Is it just for rich people?' Well, no. Anyone with a million can buy one. Here's what you do. Park anywhere you want. Park illegally. Let 'em tow your car, and buy a new one. It's cheaper than the million-dollar parking space."
    ••• A lady in Michigan was eating pierogis, and found an image of Jesus. This brings us to the first installment of "Real Jesus | Pierogi Jesus" / video:
    (title graphic)

    (clip): an actor playing Jesus

    (voice-over): "Real Jesus. Full of compassion, love and wisdom."

    (Photoshop fun): Jesus, sort of, on a pierogi

    (voice-over): "Pierogi Jesus. Full of delicious, piping-hot potato filling. Winner? Pierogi Jesus!"

    (FX): "yes" bells and peppy quiz show music

    (voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Real Jesus | Pierogi Jesus.' "

    (me): 64 years on this planet, and never heard the word pierogi before

    ••• Oh, fine. Here I am, trying to write up #4085, and the incredible Nikki Reed shows up on the Late Late Show. ••• You know who's upset with the goons over at ISIS? al Qaeda, that's who, because ISIS is getting more attention. Therefore, Saturday will be Ayman Al-Zawahiri Bobblehead Night. / photo of the handsome bastard ••• Dave says the guy who hangs around in front of the Ed, selling fake Rolexes is now selling fake Apple Watches. Hey, did you see the big Apple product rollout this week? It didn't go well. Here's video:
    (OK, it's a CVN ad.) (Your price? $199.00, or 4 easy payments of $29.94)

    Harold McCoo of CVN, positioned on top of a horizontal Flex-o-Ladder®, says "Now it's locked in place. So, really..."

    The ladder completely collapses.

    (Karen Connelly): "Oh, God, Harold! Are you OK?"

    (Harold): "Actually, I didn't have it locked."

    (YouTube video, with 2,563,844 views)

    It's the new iLadder!

    ••• (Late Late Show update): Now Nikki's singing... sorry about the delay. ••• Dave's setting up the next video funny by announcing that in the U.S., single adults now outnumber married ones. This brings us to Dave's second shout out to his future date: "Single people now outnumber married people. How many married people? Applaud if you're married. Applaud if you won't be married after Saturday night." (Dave's date's husband applauds. I think he's OK with this arrangement.) / video:
    (graphic): U. S. Bureau of Labor Statistics logo

    (voice-over): "As the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports, fewer than half of Americans now trade their carefree, single lives for lawful matrimony. And, with divorce rates now on the rise, it's never a bad idea to re-evaluate an engagement. If you are having second thoughts about your impending nuptials, it's time your partner knew the truth. As most Americans now realize, there's no shame in putting the brakes on marriage. A Message from George Clooney. Technically still single, and ready to mingle."

    ••• Since it's not Columbus Day yet, we have another communications director Nicolle Wallace-inspired George W. Bush blooper. / Late Show video from 9/10/08 and 1/07/09 and 1/16/09:
    (George W. Bush): "Uh, you'll be able to, uh, uh, you'll be able to see a technology, uh, a, a technology that will, uh, be able... enable you to, uh, converse, converse with somebody on long distance, and it seems like the person's right there in the room with you."
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I don't know whether it gets recycled, and I don't care. I just enjoy tying up bundles of cardboard." / a plug for Zyrtec® •••

    Most Amazing Desk Chat Ever:

    Apparently Dave's pre-show question lady, who he claims he has a Saturday date with, is headed to an Eagles concert. I looked 'em up. They're playing Madison Square Garden tomorrow.

    (Dave): "Here's a little behind-the-scenes showbiz data that you may, or may not, be aware of. I was hoping we'd get to hear Eagles music."

    (Paul): "Yeah."

    (Dave): "Because I'm going to the concert with this guy's wife, uh, on Saturday night.

    (Paul): "That's great!"

    (Dave): "He's be back in New Jersey, getting drunk with his buddies, and so I thought maybe we would hear a lot of Eagles music, but I'm told now by Dan Federer, that it's too expensive. Do you know anything about that, Paul?"

    (me): Apparently Dan Federer is Dave's nickname for Paul's assistant, Dan Fetter.

    (Paul): "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

    (Dave): "How expensive is it?"

    (Paul): "Too expensive."

    (Dave): "Well, like, how much? What are we talkin' about?"

    (Paul): "Well, I don't know. It's like every time we..."

    (Dave): "Like, if we played one song, what's it..."

    (Paul): "One song?"

    (Dave): "One song?"

    (Paul): "Probably, like, $1,000."

    (Dave): "Alright, pick your favorite Eagles song, and we'll... we'll hear it!"

    (audience): cheers

    (Dave): "Hold it. Hold it."

    (Dave, to executive producer Nancy Agostini): "How much is it?" (He asks her to repeat.) "I can't hear a word you're saying."

    (Nancy): "They won't give us a number. They just said no."

    (Dave): "Who said no?"

    (Nancy): "The licensing people just said no."

    (Dave): "Who are the licensing people, Paul?"

    (Paul, stumbling for the right words): "I... I'd license the Eagles... I don't know."

    (Nancy): "They own the publishing rights."

    (Paul): "I don't know. Somebody who works for you, I guess."

    (Dave): "Who owns... who owns The Eagles' music, then? It's not the Eagles?"

    (Bill Scheft): "BMI or ASCAP."

    (Dave): "MRI, or...?"

    (Bill): "BMI or ASCAP."

    (Dave): "BMI? I'd like to have one of those cars!" (to Paul): "Have you ever driven a BMI?"

    (Paul): "Beautiful ride!"

    (Dave): "I had one in California. It cornered like a snake in a rat hole!"

    (Paul): "Yeah. Mmmm. Mmmm."

    (Dave, to Nancy): "So, if we play an Eagles song, we'll get sued. Is that correct?"

    (Nancy): "Yeah. They don't want... they just don't want us... they just said no."

    (Dave): "But what if they knew about Lesley from Minnesota?"

    (Nancy): "I don't think they make exceptions. They have a flat 'no' policy for television."

    (Dave, looking to the audience): "You still want to go, Lesley?"

    (Lesley's smiling.)

    (Dave): "Boy, I'm just dyin'. Paul, aren't you now just really dyin' to play an Eagles song?"

    (Paul): "I wish I could play some Eagles song."

    (audience cheering)

    (Paul): "Unfortunately... costs too much. I think it costs too much..."

    (Dave, to Nancy): "Do you... Is there a minimum? Can we play, like, three bars of a song?"

    (Nancy): "No."

    (Dave): "Can't even do that?"

    (Nancy): "No. No!"

    (Dave): "Yes, Bill. You had a question."

    (Nancy, raising her voice): "No, Bill. No!"

    (Bill): "How do I know this?"

    (Nancy): "No!"

    (Dave): "What were you gonna say, Bill? Bill?"

    (Bill): "Well, when I... well."

    (Nancy, hollering): "No!"

    (Bill): "Well, when I was trying to get licensed, it was under four lines. Do three lines of a song."

    (Dave, looking at Paul): "Three lines of a song."

    (Nancy): "No!"

    (audience): cheering again

    (Paul, messing with Nancy): "We can do three lines?"

    (Nancy, smiling, shaking her head '"no")

    (Dave): "Is there... is there anyone awake in the control room?"

    (Nancy, pointing to her headset): "Yes!"

    (Dave): "Could I speak... could I speak to someone in the control room? Hello? Hello? It's Dave."

    (Jerry Foley): "This is the control room."

    (Dave): "Oh, hi, Jerry. How are you?"

    (Jerry): "I'm doing very well."

    (Dave): "I thought you went home early on Thursdays."

    (Jerry... couldn't understand him)

    (Dave): "Alright. Uh, Jerry, help us out here. We're having a little argument about Eagles licensing rights and such. What do you say? You're the director. You're the captain of the ship. What do you think?"

    (Jerry): "I say we should play the music, and see what happens."

    (audience): cheering louder than ever!

    (Dave looks over at Nancy, rubbing in the differing opinion)

    (shot of Lesley and husband, arms raised, celebrating victory)

    (Paul): "That's what I like to hear!"

    (Dave, grinning): "Yeah! Yeah! That's the best thing I've heard all summer! Now, OK, Paul, let's talk it over. What would you play? We've got one shot here."

    (Paul): "We're gonna do one... one song?"

    (Dave): "One, yeah, and see what happens. So what will it be from the Eagles' songbook? And recognize that we're on the precipice of legal action."

    (Paul): "Well, I... I mean, I... I love 'Life in the Fast Lane,' but you're the one who's gonna be... paying, so I... You should really pick."

    (Dave): " 'Life in the Fast Lane' would probably not be one I would pick."

    (Paul): "OK."

    (Dave): " 'Hotel California' probably not be the one I would pick."

    (Dave, to Bill): "What?"

    (Bill): "Would Will Lee sing..."

    (Dave): " 'Take it to the Limit' ?

    (Paul): "That's a good one." (then unintelligible)

    (audience): "No!"

    (Dave): "I don't know. I'm gonna have to excuse myself. If somebody..."

    (Paul): "If we can do a certain amount of 'Life in the Fast Lane' without... without having to pay, do you want to hear just a..."

    (Dave, interrupting): "No. I don't... I don't want to hear 'Life in the Fast Lane.' "

    (Paul): "You won't have to pay!"

    (Dave): "No, no. I don't care. I don't want to..."

    (Paul): "It's free!"

    (Dave): "No. I... I... I have a feeling if we start paying it, they'll shut down the show, right now!"

    (Paul): "OK."

    (Dave): "So, let's pick something else."

    (Paul): "Alright."

    (Dave): " 'Take It Easy...' "

    (Paul): " 'Take It to the Limit' ?"

    (Dave): " 'Take It Easy,' we've all heard a billion times."

    (Paul): "Too many times."

    (pause)

    (Dave): "Yeah, too many times. You know what? I'm not that interested anymore."

    (pause)

    (Dave): "Alright, we'll keep talking about it. We'll be right back with Mindy Kaling, ladies and gentlemen."

    (CBSO plays into commercial with Booker T. and the M.G.s' "Hiphugger."

    AFTER COMMERCIALS

    (Dave, to Paul): "This is great. I have here the Drop Dead list of music we're not allowed to play, or we'll get sued. Now, interestingly enough, at the top of the list: Jimi Hendrix. But I've heard you play, 'All Along the Watchtower,' but that's a Bob Dylan song. Is that how that works?"

    (Paul): "Well, but we play some of his, too. You know, we do. We play..."

    (Dave): "Yeah. This says absolutely no Jimi Hendrix.

    (Paul): "We play him all the time."

    (Dave): "I mean, is life worth living...?"

    (Paul): "Yeah."

    (Dave): "... if you can't have Jimi Hendrix, for the love of God?"

    (Paul): "No. Absolutely not! It's a good thing. We play it, and nobody's ever said 'don't play Jimi Hendrix.' "

    (Dave): "Bruce Springsteen. Can't play 'Born to Run.' Can't play 'Born to Run.' Can't play 'Born to Run.' "

    (Paul): "There's a few that he'll let us play."

    (Dave): "Yeah, that's right. There's a few. You can play 'Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out.' You can play 'Glory Days,' 'Thunder Road,' and 'Dancin' in the Dark.' "

    (Paul): "Well, that's... At least we can play those."

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (Paul): "So, we can... must be that we can play a few Hendrix, I guess."

    (Dave): "Yeah. Well, no, it says no Hen... no play. It says no play. Bruce Springsteen and Jimi Hendrix."

    (Paul): "Alright, we'll..."

    (Dave): "Now, what we've come up with, is I think is a reasonable compromise, and we're tyin' to work this through."

    (Paul): "OK."

    (Dave): "You know the song, 'I Can't Tell You Why.' "

    (Paul): "Oh, that's great. Yeah."

    (Dave): "Yeah. Now, not an Eagles song, strictly speaking. I'm askin' you."

    (Paul): "Why not? I think it is."

    (Dave): "You think it is?"

    (Paul): "Yeah, I think it is."

    (Dave, to Nancy): "You think it is? No, you don't think it is."

    (Paul): "I understand they wrote it."

    (Dave): "No. They wrote it?"

    (Paul): "Yeah. I think they wrote 'I Can't Tell You Why.' "

    (Dave): "What'd you say, Bill?"

    (Bill): "I thought he released it as a single."

    (Dave): "Who's he?"

    (Bill): "Timothy N. Schmidt, their bass player."

    (Dave): "Their bass player. OK."

    (Nancy): "It's on The Eagles' album, "The Long Run,' but that falls under The Eagles' ..."

    (Bill): "We were so close!"

    (Nancy): "It's not. It's an Eagles song."

    (Dave, to Paul): "Can we blame Irving Azoff for this?"

    (Paul): "I think you can pretty-much blame anything on Irving Azoff."

    (Dave): "OK. Alright. The important thing is, we found someone to take the blame."

    (Paul): "Yeah, OK."

    (audience): cheers

    (Dave): "Also Billy Joel. You've gotta be careful with Billy Joel."

    (Paul): "Can't play any Billy Joel?"

    (Dave): "Sam Cook."

    (Paul): "What? You're kidding. We can't play?"

    (Dave): "No. Can't play Sam Cook. Disney... 'Pirates of the Caribbean.' You can't play any of that. Jerry... or, by, anything by Jerry Bruckheimer or Pixar, unless someone is on, promoting a film."

    (Paul): "I see."

    (Tony Mendez): "What about Captain and Tennille?"

    (Dave): "Captain and Tennille? Let's see."

    (Everyone giggles at Tony's joke.)

    (Paul): "But we..."

    (Dave): "But I'll tell you somethin', and I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, or not, but for the Eagles' music, you know what they want? If we... Wwe can play it, but you know what it will cost us? Take a guess."

    (Paul): "For one song?"

    (Dave): "One song. Take a guess."

    (Paul): "Must... gotta be more than a thousand."

    (Dave): "Oh, yeah."

    (Paul): "Is it $5,000?"

    (Dave): "More than $5,000."

    (Paul): "Really? Just for... 'I Can't'..."

    (Paul realizes he just sang two words of a title, and covers his mouth.): "Oh!"

    (Paul): "That was like... hundred bucks!"

    (Dave): "Be careful!"

    (Paul): "That was a hundred bucks, right there!"

    (Dave): "Yeah. Because I... I don't..." (checks his pockets) "I don't have that kind of..."

    (Paul): "You don't have it on you."

    (Dave): "I don't have it on me."

    (Paul): "No." (pause) "Well, back at the suite, you've got it."

    (Dave): "I've got it, back at the suite."

    (Paul): "I don't... $10,000 for 'I Can't Tell You Why' ?"

    (Dave, motioning): "Up, up up."

    (Paul): "More, then?"

    (Dave): "Up up up up up."

    (Paul): "$100,000."

    (Dave): "Up up up up up."

    (Paul): "This Irving Azoff. This guy is in trouble!"

    (Dave): "Yeah. Yeah. Now... now... if everybody here wants to kick in some money..."

    (audience cheers)

    (Paul): "So you mean it's... half a million? Half a million dollars?"

    (Dave): "Half of half a million."

    (Paul): "Really? A quarter of a million dollars to play 'I Can't Tell You Why' on this show?"

    (Dave): "Right. Right. Now, if you people want to elect an audience captain, and during the rest of the show, contribute whatever you can, that gets us close to a quarter of a million..."

    (Paul): "Wow."

    (Dave): "Then, then we take off the reserve. We're gonna lift the reserve!"

    (Paul): "We're not... OK!"

    (Dave, looking at Bill Scheft): "Huh? Yeah. It's only $500 apiece."

    (Dave): "Our first guest is the creator and star of the popular television series entitled The Mindy Project. Its third season premieres September 16th on Fox. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the lovely Mindy Kaling."

    (me, 1): The CBSO plays Mindy out with The Association's "Windy."

    (me, 2): The aforementioned discussion spanned 08:15. That's the equivalent of the average guest's interview.

    (me, 3): Brian Howie of alt.fan.letterman noted that going to commercials after Mindy Kaling, the CBSO played the Steve Miller Band's "Fly Like an Eagle."

    Here's YouTube video of the discussion.

    ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Carly Green, researcher, and Jeanine Kelly, Worldwide Pants production coordinator. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay tuned for a preview of the funniest autumnal equinox pranks!" ••• desk chat: Dave has found a song the CBSO can play. It's "Supercharger," commissioned by CBS. We listen to part of it. ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up. ••• Maddie & Tae sing.

    9/15/14: REPEAT FROM 9/03/14

    9/16/14: REPEAT FROM 9/05/14

    9/17/14: REPEAT FROM 8/25/14

    9/18/14: REPEAT FROM 8/28/14

    9/19/14: REPEAT FROM 9/09/14

    9/22/14 [4086]: [The lights in the decorative wall at the back of the stage aren't working tonight.] •••

    monologue:

    "The leaves are falling, and so is the confidence in Roger Goodell. Did anybody see Roger Goodell's press conference on Friday? ... Whoa, man, it was... It was a tough press conference. They carried the guy out on a stretcher."

    "Boy, this is crazy! You want to go to the White House? Just hop the fence! I don't know why I didn't think of that. They're lining up now, and hopping the fence. And one of these trespassers made all the way to the front door of the White House. And when I heard this report, I just said, "Oh, for God's sakes, Hillary, wait your turn!"

    "Fortunately the trespasser was tackled by White House butler Forest Whitaker."

    "A guy called 911 because he was lonely. You don't do that! You call 911 when you're out of beer. That's an emergency." (applause) "If you're lonely, you call a Kardashian."

    "Today was the opening of the U.N. General Assembly, here in New York City. Were you aware of that? Yup. A hundred representatives from 135 nations, in New York City, all here to pay tribute to Derek Jeter."

    "Fox News Hard-Hitting Journalism" / video:
    (title graphic and Freeplay music, "PM Theme")

    (clip): It's coverage of some kind of festival that involves consumption of beer. The accordion player makes one wonder if it's from an old Octoberfest. A blonde lady nearby is holding what appears to be the world's largest pretzel.

    (male reporter, who may be under the influence): "Welcome back to Fox & Friends. Tomorrow, Navy Seals tell their amazing story of how one survived being shot 27 times, by four al Qaeda terrorists."

    (title graphic and Freeplay music, "PM Theme")

    ••• Here's a special report on White House security, since the gent with 800 rounds of ammo hopped the fence on Sept. 19. / video:
    (photo): Secret Service vehicle

    (clip): CNN coverage

    (voice-over): "Following the recent security breach at the White House, the Secret Service is taking additional measures to ensure that unwelcome individuals are not permitted access to the building."

    (clip): Barack Hussein Obama is seen walking up to a White House door. He rattles it. It's locked. He moves to another door.

    (voice-over): "Lou Thompson, Fake CNN, Washington."

    •••
    As you know, the Late Show never lets DDY down. I predicted on Sept. 9 that the latest batch of GWB bloopers would run until Columbus Day, in honor of his communications director, Nicolle Wallace, being signed for The View. Tonight's episode involves some focus group with a lady droning on and on about her television signal problems. W. eventually gets a moment to say, "Interesting, isn't it? Whoo!"
    ••• Do my eyes deceive me, or is Paul wearing a polka dot suit tonight? Where does Sue Hum get an item like this? Very nice. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Guess what I found at the store: unbleached coffee filters. No more spending hours unbleaching them myself!" / a plug for Depend® (which of course is no reflection on the show's demographics these days) •••

    desk chat: The desk microphone (which is taken away immediately after each taping, because someone stole Dave's old RCA 77DX microphone years ago) was set in place 180° off tonight. It's backward! Paul responds with, "Well, it's just a prop, anyway. We all know that. It's not a real microphone." ••• Alan Kalter informs us that tonight's TTL is sponsored by Voya Financial. (They used to be ING.) It's an awesome TTL, by the way. ••• Top Ten Apple Varieties or Television Detectives

    10. McIntosh
    9. Mannix
    8. Northern Spy
    7. Fuji
    6. Baretta
    5. Santana
    4. Dan Tana
    3. Jonagold (Paul claims he's a disco artist from the 70s.)
    2. John Shaft
    1. Tie: Granny Smith/Barnaby Jones

    •••

    Mark Harmon plugs NCIS and NCIS: New Orleans. Mark was on The Dating Game two times in college. The first time, he was one of the bachelors (who didn't get picked). The second time, he was the picker, who never went on a date with his pickee.

    Mark had occasion to work with a real, live wolf recently. The wolf actor needed to be fierce, so they nailed some meat to a board, let the wolf get a taste, then took it away.

    •••
    Jungle Jack Hanna is in for his 96th appearance with Dave. As always, the CBSO played him on with "The House of the Rising Sun." I wondered why Paul chose the 1964 classic for his theme, so I brought up the iTunes Store. Well, there we have it: The blockbuster version that we all know was recorded by The Animals.

    Dave, referring to Mark Harmon's wolf encounter, begins by asking Jack about wolves. Dave proposes that a human can't handle a wolf pack, but should do OK with one. Jack counters with, "He can't handle one of them. It'd rip your neck off, Dave, in a second." Then Dave wants to know about a wolf vs. a domestic dog. Jack says that depends on the size of the doggie. It turns out that a dachshund would be easy. Jack concludes by saying, "I'm just makin' this up. I have no idea." (me): Would the odds be any better if you're Wolf Blitzer?

    Jack wants to tell Dave about his brain. Oh, boy, this will be good. A while back, Jungle Jack was dizzy, so he went to a hospital and got an MRI on his noggin. The neurologist told him he was fine, but the bad news was she found a blank spot on his brain (that shows white on an MRI). Jack says, "I think that's been my problem, a lot, on this show."

    Dave wants to talk about coyotes, because Sully reportedly chased one off. The coyote is bright, Jack says, and sneaky. Now, on to the varmints that Jack brought tonight.

    1. two baby mountain lions

      The little cats were heroically rescued during a forest fire in the Bitterroot Mountains of Montana. They're just amazing little critters, cute as can be, and very active. Jack shows how to handle them. "You put your face up to it, but don't let him scratch you." Adults can leap 30 to 40 feet. If their dad is around when they're born, Jack says he will kill them within one minute. Obviously, the females tend to leave the male soon after breeding, or we wouldn't have many mountain lions, would we? We rarely see these cats. Jack's only ever seen one of them in the wild. These cats can't be released now. They'll go to the zoo's 10,000-acre place for them.

    2. yellow Labrador puppy and a cheetah

      The cheetah was the only one born to its mother. When there isn't a litter, the mother will often eat the baby. Cheetahs are the most endangered cat in Africa. The cheetah is basically stalking the handheld camera operator, looking like it could spring on him on a moment's notice. The dog is being raised with the cheetah. They get along fine, and play with each other. Dave wonders, "Will the dog and the cat continue to be pals?" Jack: "This is research we're doing." An assistant says they will be pals for a long time.

    3. skunk

      The skunk's been destunk, thank goodness. Let's just say we all know where the skunk stink comes from now. Can they show that on TV? Dave asks about rabies. Jack says, "You're sittin' there like an idiot, holdin' it!"

    4. bald eagle

      Don't let a bald eagle get a hold of you with its talons. The pressure is 1,000 PSI. The eagle is about 25. It flies from the back of the theater to claim a treat from a handler.

    5. camel

      Jack tries to demonstrate how to ride the sorry-looking thing, but it gets up too quickly, leaving him hanging on to its hiney for dear life. This Twitter picture shows the outcome all too well. Can they show that on TV?

    Here's a 106 MB video of Jack's visit.

    Look! It's me with Jungle Jack. He was signing Monkeys on the Interstate for me four years ago at Kansas State. (No, he didn't come to Manhattan especially to see me.) Jack, although he can seem scattered when faced with Dave's teasing, was a very good speaker. He was great with fans after the program, which ran long. Jack said he knew it was a school night, and some families would have to leave early so their kids could get to bed. He gave a mailing address so they could send for an autographed picture.

    ••• During Jack's 16-minute segment, we had a Backstage Photo Club card: James Murray, audio technician ••• Also during Jack's segment was the Act 5 Audience Pan with, "Coming up: Is it worth buying a travel-size rake? Our experts help you decide." ••• with short credits: clips of Jack's animals ••• Alan Kalter says good night.
    We had a fun program at Kansas State on Friday night. Eric Stonestreet graduated from K-State in 1995. We played Auburn in football on Sept. 18. Eric is a huge fan, and often flies in for football, talks at bowl games, etc. So, the next night, he and Jesse Tyler Ferguson put on a 1.5-hour interactive program in McCain Auditorium. It was almost non-stop laughs. They told about getting established as actors, how rough auditioning can be, etc. They had fun behind-the-scenes stories about Modern Family. There was time for questions from the audience. As you might expect, a delegation from Westboro Baptist was at their usual location in the yard outside, making fools of themselves. If I'd asked a question, it would have been, "Could you bring Julie Bowen, too, next time?"

    "Why," you didn't ask, "was the following entry late?" When I can't figure something out, it doesn't set well. I probably spent two hours trying to come up with the name of the song the CBSO played into commercials after Act 1. It's one of those everyone's heard countless times, but I can't name it. You can't use Shazam to get the answer, because 1) it only works on the original recording and 2) no matter what you try to use Shazam for on the Late Show, it somehow knows that's what it's listening to. It can be Dave just talking, and it knows it's the Late Show. There has to be some kind of constant, subaudible signal being sent out. I'll have to e-mail Micah White, to see if he remembers what they played. If he heard it, he'll be able to tell me. (re-entry on 9/24/14: I made a 30-second .mp3, and Don Giller informed me that it was Steely Dan's "Reelin' in the Years.")

    9/23/14 [4087]: monologue:

    As you know now, the United States has launched air strikes against ISIS, and it's being called Operation Approval Ratings."
    ••• The delegates have returned to the United Nations for another session, immune from truth, justice and the American Way. Let's have some fun at their expense, shall we? Here's "UN General Assembly's Got Talent." / video:
    (title graphic and peppy theme song)

    (graphic): "Denmark's ambassador the the United States, Ib Petersen"

    (animation and pulsing music): A multicolored, humanoid, animated Slinky-based life form is trying its hand at modern dance on a stage, with a black curtain as its backdrop. It appears to be a bit on the heavy side to have much of a career in dancing.

    (title graphic and peppy theme song)

    ••• It's no surprise that CBS has the latest prime time blockbuster. / video:
    (CBS eye logo)

    (voice-over): "CBS has the hottest procedural dramas, when both CSI and NCIS have their Is stolen."

    (animation): The Is disappear, each with a cute popping sound.

    (voice-over): "It's a job for Vowel Squad"

    (photo of the young, hip crimefighters)

    (voice-over): "Series premiere, Thursday at 9, only on CBS."

    •••

    The Late Show started making fun of Gov. Chris Christie some years ago, recognizing his special category of "Enormous and Getting Bigger." Everyone at the show hoped that he would drop a ton or two. Now we've learned that he's lost 85 pounds! (Dave): "I mean, this guy was so big, his full-length mirror was horizontal. Do you remember that, Paul?" ... "You know a guy is heavy when he still has to tell you he's lost 85 pounds."

    (Before and After photos, split-screen): It's the strangest thing. There doesn't seem to be an ounce of difference. Hmmm. He must have lost it all from the dorsal side.

    •••

    NASA's MAVEN mission entered Mars orbit on Sept. 21, to study the atmosphere.

    (pre-owned scene): Rocket scientists of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory and Caltech await the landing of the rover Curiosity on Mars in 2012. (YouTube)

    (digital voice report from MAVEN): "Current temperature on Mars is negative 55 degrees Celsius, with wind gusts reaching 75 miles per hour."

    (Cut to animated graphic of lady on a Smucker's® jar.)

    (digital voice report from MAVEN continues): "Also, a very happy birthday to Theresa Kramer, who is 100 years young today."

    (back to JPL): The Caltech/JPL rocket scientists, upon learning about the ancient Theresa, whoop it up, big time. It's like a rover landed on Mars two years ago, or something. Nice going, geniuses!

    •••

    monologue:

    We all heard about the character who hopped the White House fence the other day. Meanwhile, much to our relief, there have been no security breaches over at Biden's place.

    (animated graphic): We see a smiling VP at the main entrance. Above him, in red, is a banner proclaiming "MEET JOE BIDEN!" A small sign says "NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY." We hear the high-voltage crackling of a malfunctioning red neon sign, "OPEN."

    •••
    The View's Nicolle Wallace, GWB's former communications director, has inspired Dave to replay treasured old Republican bloopers until Columbus Day 2014 (I'm predicting). (It'll be the 2014 version of the Pie Pan Pounder!) Tonight's gem aired on LSDL on 7/11/06, 5/18/07, 10/05/07, 1/16/09, 3/30/09 and 5/02/14. CBS Cares.

    (clip): George W. Bush says, "Our people have done a really good job... of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi bin al-Shibh... or whatever the guy's name was..."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm rubber, you're glue. Good; now we've figured out our Halloween costumes. / a plug for Nicorette® ••• Alan Kalter says tonight's TTL is sponsored by Voya Financial®. ••• TTL set-up: Fox has a new show, Gotham, about the early years of Bruce Wayne (before he's Batman). ••• Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Batman / #10: Sleeps hanging upside down / #2: Recurring nightmare that one day he'll be portrayed by Ben Affleck •••
    Denzel Washington is in to plug The Equalizer, which opens on September 26. It's about a man who's trying to live a quiet life, but a young lady he meets is under the control of ultra-violent Russian gangsters. So much for the quiet life. We can tell from the outset that Dave loves this movie, so here we go.

    Dave first asks about the possibility of Denzel being the next James Bond. Denzel, when asked, said, "Sure. Why not?" Oops. A campaign was started immediately. (The CBSO plays a few notes of the theme song.)

    Denzel is so famous that playing a role in a theater presents the challenge of the audience seeing him, and not his character. He said that one time a lady was whispering to him onstage, by name.

    Lenny Kravitz is on tonight, too. He ate fried chicken at Denzel's house just last night. They've vacationed together.

    We get an update on the kids, who are grown up now. John David, who played for the Rams, has a role in HBO's new series, Ballers. His son (Malcom, I believe) is directing now, and his daughter, Katia, is pursuing showbiz full-time. Sometimes they ask Denzel for advice. Dad has two Oscars, so that would seem to be a good idea.

    This was a really enjoyable interview, especially with Dave being so enthusiastic about the new film. In fact, upon retirement, Dave now plans to take up a career in equalizing. Finally, North America will be safe. Oh... Dave seemed to be fascinated with some of the little things Denzel did with his character, who apparently is OCD.

    ••• Act 5 is Lenny Kravitz singing while the stage is being set up for his performance. ••• Lenny Kravitz sings. I'm not a fan of most of the musical acts that come on the show, but he was good! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    9/24/14 [4088]: [What an enjoyable episode! I hope the following begins to do it justice. Stand by for Gov. Christie jokes!] ••• [fashion update: Dave has recently gotten away from putting a hanky in his suit pocket, which I first noticed on May 8. Sue Hum didn't care for it. I vote no on the hanky.] •••

    monologue:

    "Happy Rosh Hashanah, ladies and gentlemen. Today is Rosh Hashanah, and over at Rockefeller Plaza earlier today, they hosted the 80-foot brisket." (Paul): "A beautiful tradition, every year." (Dave, again): "It's the Jewish New Year, 5775. 5775, wow! It's hard to believe we've been doing this show since 5754." (Paul loved this one.) "It's not just Rosh Hashanah. It's Derek Jeter's last Rosh Hashanah."

    "How about the traffic? Did anyone have to try and get around town yesterday or today? Oh, I'm tellin' you, it's crazy. It's because the U.N. General Assembly is back in session, and President Obama is in town. Every major... it's like Chris Christie. Every major artery is clogged!"

    "By the way, it's Wednesday. And if you don't know this, on Wednesday, we try to drag Chris Christie into as many jokes as possible."

    "Anybody buy the new iPhone? Anybody get one of the new iPhones? They say that the damn thing bends. As a matter of fact, Chris Christie sat..." (audience gets it, and starts laughing) "...sat on his iPhone..." (pause) (Paul): "Yes?" (Dave): "... and Siri dialed 911."

    "How about this? Did you see this... this picture of President Obama getting off the helicopter? I think it's... is it Marine One? Is that what they call it... the helicopter? And he's got a cup of coffee in his hand. And there are the Marines, the guard there, waiting as he gets off. And he salutes the Marine guards with a cup of coffee. And people are now calling it... referring to it... as the Starbucks salute. I think that's great! What other country... every time the president screws up, it's sponsored?!" (pause) "It's all part of the Jerry Seinfeld series, Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee."

    "President Obama addressed the U.N., the same day, coincidentally, Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes."

    "Have you seen... over the weekend, two guys, down there in Washington, just hopped the fence and ran up to the White House. So they really, now... they've studied their security, and they've added some things, and this shouldn't happen again. They added a porch light." (pause) "And they installed one of those little slidy-chain things." (me): How about a glue trap?

    ••• Do you watch The Blacklist? It began last year, and has that creepy James Spader. Get up-to-date on it with "The Blacklist Recap." / video:
    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (multiple clips and voice-over): "James Spader puts on his hat. James Spader takes off his hat. James Spader puts on his hat. James Spader loses his hat. James Spader finds his hat on a young freedom fighter. James Spader longs for his hat. James Spader puts on his hat. Thanks for watching 'The Blacklist Recap.' "

    (title graphic)

    ••• Every year, U.N. staffers have to watch this tape about security. / video:
    (photo): United Nations, outside view

    (various inside photos)

    (voice-over): "During the General Assembly, proper security is essential. Carefully check the badges and credentials of all attendees. Do not admit anyone claiming to be a delegate from the following fictitious countries:

    Plaxico
    Alderan
    Boniva
    Stanistan
    Roomba
    Malaprop
    Barium
    Catatonia
    and Denmark.

    It's not the U.N. without U!"

    ••• This (mentioned above) isn't the first time an intruder has gotten into the White House. / video:
    (clip): Barack Hussein Obama: "And we're in a six-month streak, with our economy creating at least 200,000 new jobs each month."

    (We see something disturbing over the president's left shoulder.)

    (Writer Mike Leech, as a civilian, waves and hollers, "Hey, Mr. President. How're you doin?"

    (Security guy Jimmy Philbin, as a Secret Service Agent, tasers Mr. Leech, leaving him a smoldering blob of protoplasm.)

    (POTUS continues): "Thanks to the decisions we make to rescue and rebuild our economy..."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "It's not just in libraries. I whisper anytime I'm near a book." / a plug for Voya Financial® ••• Alan Kalter says tonight's TTL is sponsored by Voya Financial®. ••• desk chat: Dave whines about several of the staff getting the iPhone 6 before him. / Stage manager Eddie Valk went to a store to disrupt the proceedings at a line waiting for the iPhone 6. (Eddie has a beard these days.) / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy on Line at the Apple Store / #9: "You like computers? Nerd." / #7: "Is this the line to buy weed?" / #4: "Free iPhone charger if you sign up for ISIS!" (Paul): "Too soon!" / #1: "I've seen naked pictures of you on the cloud." •••
    Kelly Ripa, who certainly needs no introduction, is played on with "Hiphugger." She looks amazing, with cute, short hair and an awesome black dress.

    Dave wants to talk about Gelman. (Kelly admits that no one knows if he has a first name.) Mr.     Gelman hates Dave, so says Dave, who understands that he's tried to put Dave out of the business.

    How are the children? There's Cody and Cassidy... no, just jokes. Michael is 17, Lola is 13 and Joaquin is 11. Dave then reports that Harry is 11, which he won't be until November 3. Kelly reminds Dave that he was supposed to have a second child, or he'd be screwed. She must have seen Tina Fey's hilarious account of her younger daughter's antics last week. She confides, "You don't know from hell until you have a girl." They are terrifying. Lola is the scariest of the three. Kelly continues, "If I put the three of them in the woods, alone, she would come out alive." Meanwhile, teachers and other parents believe she is lovely, genteel and a peacemaker.

    Recently Kelly and Mark flew to Italy for just over a day (27 hours) for a wedding, leaving the offspring at home with a sitter. There were to be no calls during the ½-hour ceremony, during which there were 19 missed calls. The subject was a salad the sitter ordered. It contained Arugula (whatever that is), leaving the poor dear in tears. The sitter declined to order Lola a new salad. (I shouldn't be revealing this here, because I'm sure Lola is a regular reader.) Anyway, Heather, the sitter, quit the day Kelly and Mark returned.

    Michael, 17, is driving; however, Kelly has concerns that he might not be up to it. There seems to be some confusion as to what lane he should have the vehicle in. Dave then reveals that he's let Harry drive a few times. (We're sure it's only on his private property in Montana.)

    Kelly got the new iPhone, but was advised by Gelman and Strahan that her hands are too small for that model. Well, guess what! They were right!

    Kelly reveals that, using her iPhone, she took a selfie of her hiney (using a mirror) and sent it to Hubby. (She demonstrates the procedure.) Yes, you guessed it. The in-laws got a hold of it somehow, and sent a lovely reply, complimenting her on her exercise program. Thankfully, Kelly was wearing her underpants.

    To conclude the festivities (or so we think), Dave says, "You know I'm gonna do right now? I'm gonna borrow your iPhone. I'm goin' upstairs right after the show. I'm gonna take a picture of my ass, and I'm sendin' it to your father-in-law."

    So... first Strahan came in on September 9 for an awesome interview, and Kelly topped him with hers. It's been a good month for guests!

    ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Meghan McGuire, mailroom supervisor. ••• After commercials, Dave calls for Biff. He dispatches Mr. Henderson to bring out Kelly and her iPhone. She agrees to Dave's request to photograph his ass. "Say cheese," Kelly says. •••
    Jim Gaffigan has a hilarious interview, focused on food, as he plugs his new book, Food: A Love Story, available on October 21. We learn that Jim hates fish, clams and oysters ("snots on a rock").
    ••• Paloma Faith sings. The audience didn't go wild. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: the photo of Dave's ass ••• If there was an Act 5 audience pan, I totally missed it. I think Kelly photographing Dave's dorsal side substituted for the audience pan.

    9/25/14 [4089]: Tonight's audience shout out is something about hitchhikers. We're sure the nice lady will enjoy her two seconds of fame. ••• The Yankees' Derek Jeter played his last home game tonight. The years have taken their toll on the great player. / photo mischief:

    1. It's a booking photo of Phil Spector1, who hasn't shampooed recently (not that there's much to work with).
    2. From Sept. 11, 2002, it's Nick Nolte's booking photo. Now, talk about a dude who could use a shampoo...
    ••• Alright! It's Pat Farmer's monologue interruption #0007 for 2014. It's great to have him back after his shoulder repair.
    (Dave): "Oh, hi, Pat. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands. Hi, Pat. How are you?"

    (Pat): "Good, Dave. How are you?"

    (Dave): "I'm good. Thank you."

    (Pat): "Dave, you know..."

    (Dave, interrupting): "You know, Pat, what can I do for you? I'm sorry, but I'm right in the middle of a show, but let's go ahead. What can...?"

    (Pat): "OK. I'm a huge techie, Dave. You know that, right? Huge!"

    (Dave): "Oh, good. That's nice. Sure."

    (Pat): "Have you heard the new iPhone is bendable? Do you believe that?"

    (Dave): "You know, I did hear that. It's, uh... they've got two... they've got the, like, the Medium Jumbo and the Large Jumbo, and the Large Jumbo is bendable."

    (Pat): "Bendable, right."

    (Dave): "I did hear that. Yeah."

    (Pat): "And Dave, that's why I stick with my trusty Motorola pager. Try to bend it."

    (Dave): "Well, no. I... I..."

    (Pat): "Go ahead, Dave. It won't bend. Give it a try."

    (Dave): "No, I... No, I believe you. But let us just get back to the show. Thank you."

    (Pat): "I have all night, Dave. Try to bend it. Here we are."

    (Dave): "Alright. Let's see. Thank you. Wow! No. That is... that is sturdy. Look at that. Not... doesn't budge, doesn't even flex. No, you're right. You can't bend that sucker. There you go, buddy."

    (Pat): "Told you!"

    (Dave): "Mmm hmm."

    (Pat): "Well, I've gotta run, Dave. Shanah Tovah."

    (me): I'm not Jewish, but I know how to type Rosh Hashanah into Wikipedia.

    ••• The nation is still reeling over the news that a young ne'er-do-well managed to get into the White House the other day. Security has been stepped up. / video:
    (scene and suspenseful music): A burglar opens the window of a house.

    (voice-over): "A break-in can occur at any moment. Only one home security system gives you the peace of mind you deserve."

    (FX): phone rings

    (male on telephone): "This is Slomin's Shield. We've detected an alarm at your residence. With whom am I speaking?"

    (Barack Hussein Obama, in the Oval Office): "This is Barack Obama. How are you?"

    (photo): White House exterior

    (jingle): "Shield your home, the Slomin Shield."

    (me): That's all. Never heard of 'em.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey! It very easily could have been the 'Nebelux countries.' " / a plug for Kayak ••• desk chat: Paul had William Wood Lee Shaffer, now 15, wtih him at the Ed today. Dave thought of a classic Biff Henderson outing on October 3, 2005. Biff had been dispatched to Times Square, where he made reference to the "Newish Jew Year." Paul had a big laugh over that one. (video) ••• Alan announces that tonight's TTL is sponsored by our new pals, Voya Financial. / The set-up for tonight's TTL is Barack Obama's styrofoam-cup salute to Marines when disembarking Marine One the other day. / Top Ten Presidential Faux Pas / #9: Eisenhower knocking down an 8-year-old to meet Lassie •••
    Jerry Seinfeld begins the evening's proceedings with a fun stand-up routine. His first topic is the stickers you see on the back window of minivans that represent the family members. "I can't believe there's a dollar decal that makes me want to plant a car bomb under a Honda Odyssey." He has observations on the meaningless phrases that people hear from others and repeat. "Why must we constantly communicate as a life form?"
    • "You never know."
    • "Time will tell."
    • "We'll see what happens."
    • "That's for sure."
    • "Not to the best of my knowledge."
    • "It is what it is."
    • "I want to say..."

    •••

    Jerry has an interview with Dave in the next act, and Dave salutes his power of observation.

    It seems that Jerry has lived to the ripe old age of 60. He had a bucket list. Now that he has reached this advanced age, the letters in bucket have been substituted to result in his givl it list. He doesn't want to visit places, or be a better person. In fact, he wants to go the other direction.

    He's been happily married for 14 years. On the big day, he wore a tuxedo, which, he says, "is the universal male symbol of somebody trying to pull a fast one." (limo drivers, strip club employees, grooms) "That's why we rent 'em, because it's a scam. Even a Halloween costume is purchased outright."

    Jerry looks excellent for being an old-timer. He's cut out the pills and the healthful food. He has a funny observation on the "fake social event/gathering that's an excuse to just eat a wheelbarrow-sized portion of anything." (Thanksgiving, Super Bowl) "Hey, I'm here to be with these people." Right. "Most people are not as interesting to me as nachos."

    We'll hear a lot about his Internet show, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, premiering on November 6. (IMDB) (web site) Jerry gets a classic car for the taping. As a result, some of the jalopies break down during the taping. Jerry picks guests he finds interesting, including Dave, and they hang out together. In this season, his visits will include Jimmy Fallon, Bill Burr, Kevin Hart (raved about him), and Fred Armison. Because of his daughter's interest, he'll visit with YouTube's Miranda Sings. (I've seen her. I can't stand her.)

    Finally, we learn that Jerry acquired the practice of drinking coffee later in life, and he's quite taken with it. (I've never had the stuff.) He doesn't want the weak stuff. He wants coffee that wouldn't please the Mormons.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Get this - - At the germ factory, employees must not wash hands before returning to work!" •••

    Wake the kids. Phone the neighbors. It's time for Alan Kalter's "Where Does It All Go?"

    (Alan): "Where... where does what all go? Where does what all go?"

    (Dave): "Uh... it! Where does it all go?"

    (Alan): "It."

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (Alan, to Dave): "What does that even mean? You just expect me to come up with somethin' on the spot?

    (Dave): "I don't know. It says it. Take it away!"

    (Alan): " 'Take it away.' You know, I get paid to improvise, asshole. I'm just sittin' here as the announcer... and you're askin' for stuff!"

    (Dave, stuttering): "Yeah, but..."

    (Alan, steamed): "How come I have to come up with somethin'? It's your dumb name on the marquee, Dave!"

    (Dave): "OK."

    (Alan): "My job's simple. You know, I come out here. I get all these back-country rubes fired up before the show, so they can be horribly disappointed about 10 minutes later, and then I throw it to you for a commercial break for some boner pill. And then I... I... I sit here for 40 minutes with a fake smile on my face, listening to your incoherent horseshit!"

    (Dave): "OK, now, Alan. OK, there... maybe there was a mistake. I think that's plenty..."

    (Alan, hollering cynically): "Maybe?"

    (Dave): "I..."

    (Alan): "It's not enough, fat boy! A network show with a giant budget has to throw it to me, with absolutely zero notice, and expect me to turn around this shipwreck of a show!"

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (Alan, even more steamed): " 'Where does it all go?' I'll be damned if I know where it all goes!" (stands, rips off his earpiece)

    (Dave): "Just..."

    (Alan): "Now, how is this even a show? Calls himself a host?"

    (Dave): "No, I'm sorry..."

    (Alan): "I've had it with this Mickey Mouse crap!"

    (Dave): "Alright, Alan, I'm..."

    (Alan, backstage now): "Over and over! Washed-up old hag! It's one hour a day... expects me to think of something."

    (Dave): "It's not..."

    (Alan): "Hey! Dave... Dave. Enjoy those paychecks before they stick you in the home!"

    (Dave): "OK."

    (Alan): "Lazy sack of garbage!"

    (Dave): "Alright..."

    (Alan): "He thinks I'm afraid of him?! I'll be a son of a bitch before I back down from a pathetic, 84-year-old prune! Hey! How'd you even get this gig in the first place?"

    (Dave): "Alright, that's..."

    (Alan): "Your charisma dried? I swear to you, I'll burn this place down to the ground before I let him railroad me like that."

    (Dave, giggling)

    (Alan): "Screw him, and everybody who looks like him! Get my agent on the phone, Don."

    (Dave): "We'll be..."

    (Alan): "Sad excuse for human life! Do something useful and die, already!"

    (Dave): "We'll be..."

    (Alan): "I've had it! I've just had it!"

    (Dave): "... right back."

    (CBSO)

    (Alan): (something) "one time in 20 years... 20 years!... 20 years in this..."

    (Dave): "I'm sorry, Alan."

    (video)

    ••• Cirque du Soleil's "Michael Jackson ONE" starts with clips of Michael Jackson, then has dancers with neon or something. ••• Alan Kalter, back from the back room, says good night.

    1 Mr. Spector's name shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette

    9/26/14 [4090]: monologue:

    "Have you noticed you can tell already that it's autumn? Say goodbye to summer. It's already autumn. Can you feel the difference in the seasonal change? Let me give you an example of one sure sign it's autumn. Today President Obama got off of a helicopter and saluted a Marine with a cup of cider." (extended applause from the audience) (Dave): "Tryin' to be sarcastic, aren't you?"

    "Sad news, ladies and gentlemen. The Yankees have been eliminated from the playoffs. Well, you can only go so far on a half-a-billion-dollar payroll."

    ••• Do you know about the annual Macarthur Foundation genius grants? The runner-up should still be pretty sharp, right? / "People Who Didn't Win Genius Grants" / video:
    (title graphic and awards show music)

    (graphic and voice-over): "The inventor of the lasagna copier."

    (clip): A young man in the copy room is transferring a hefty serving of lasagna from a storage container to the glass on a photocopy machine.

    (close-up of the output tray): Two servings of the lasagna pop out of the new invention, all ready to warm and serve.

    (me): Who better to play the young man copying lasagna than Chris Dimino, graphic art director, who had to come up with the animation for the bit?

    (title graphic)

    ••• CBS's Scott Pelley did a chilling report on ISIS on Sunday night. Great work! / video:
    (doctored clip): It's Scott voicing over a scene from the Middle East: "What ISIS has shown only once is its leader,..."

    (cut to Pelley onscreen on 60 Minutes): "...Broadway song and dance man, Hugh Jackman."

    (60 Minutes voice-over guy): "The story will continue, in a moment."

    ••• Keep 'em coming, writers! Recognition of the addition of former George W. Bush communications director Nicolle Wallace to The View continues. Tonight we review W. at his best.
    (W. being interviewed by someone): "Are my testicles black?"

    (me): Review each and every presentation of this interview on Late Show episodes from 11/15/10, 11/17/10, 11/23/10, 2/08/13, 6/05/13 and 6/11/14. (This was a quote from W's dad, George H. W. Bush, who meant to ask in a hospital, "Are my test results back?")

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Warning! Do not look directly at the heart during a total eclipse of the heart!" / a plug for Olay® ••• Alan Kalter announces that tonight's TTL is sponsored by Voya Financial. •••
    TTL set-up: The nation is observing the 50-year success story that is the Kellogg's Pop-Tart®. In a brief desk chat, we learn that Dave has never sampled the famed product, but Paul is as well-versed in pop tarts as he is with pop music. All the hoopla has Dave pining for a sample. He looks to his left to Nancy Agostini. "Oh, get me some of these. Do we have any of these in the building? I've never eaten any. Is we got some?" OK, let's amend my previous comment about Paul's familiarity, as now he's referring to them being frozen when purchased. He even fears that a person could break a tooth on a frozen one. Paul does know the flavors. Dave calls for a cherry model. In his defense, Paul does know that they come packaged two per pouch. Nancy will send an intern, we suppose, to the store to miracle some tarts to the Ed on short notice.

    Dave reads from Mike McIntee's blue card that popular versions include Frosted Strawberry and Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon. Dave doesn't want in over his head. He's sticking with cherry. Nancy will scare up a toaster, too. We haven't seen Dave so excited about food since his announcement of Steak 'n Shake® as his new neighbor in early 2012. (video)

    ••• Top Ten Other Names Considered for "Pop Tarts" / #6 is an audience shout out: "I dated your sister." •••

    Stupid Human Tricks

    1. Jeff Smedbron is from unincorporated Arkdale, Wisconsin (pop. 158). He's known for flying ultralight aircraft a handful of times. Jeff enjoys playing popular songs using plastic disposable razors. Tonight we'll hear the "Alphabet Song," a.k.a. "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," with Jeff using six razors. He's well-practiced, and the trick qualifies as stupid, but it's a little underwhelming. After Jeff's offstage, Dave wisecracks, "Be careful in that ultralight... be a shame to lose a talent like that." (Dave looks to his left while the audience finishes laughing, and notices that the Pop-Tarts® are out of the toaster.)

    2. Bethany Pruett is a campus minister at CU in Boulder (and let me tell you, those spoiled rich kids could use some ministering). (CU was in the Big 8 and the Big 12 with us for many years, until they defected to the Pac 10/12.) Anyway, Bethany has a bowl of small concord grapes. She a) places a grape in her mouth, one at a time, b) transfers the grape to a nostril with her tongue, 3) extracts the aforementioned grape from her nostril, using only her tongue, 4) returns the grape to her mouth, using only her tongue and 5) eats the thing. Paul Shaffer adds to the fun by playing a hymn on his organ during the proceedings.

    3. Tyler Katarsky (or words to that effect) is from Dunellen, New Jersey. He comes onstage carrying a standard Werner® ladder. At least that won't go up his nose. Anton Fig starts a drum roll. Tyler effortlessly sets the ladder on his chin. Dave steps back from the danger zone. Tyler moves from a standing position (hands free from the ladder), easing to the stage floor, almost on his back, and back to full upright. In total, the ladder was balanced, hands-free, on his chin for 19 seconds. This will go down as one of the most skilled SHTs of all time, along with that girl who shot a bow and arrow with her foot on 2/27/14. (video)

      Hey! The Pop Tarts® are ready!

    ••• outside cam: We see Tyler practicing his ladder stunt on the 53rd St. sidewalk. •••
    Ted Danson plugs CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Since Ted became famous for comedy in Cheers, Dave wants to know about humor on CSI. It doesn't happen. Ted says that if you get the viewers giggling, they'll miss clues.

    Pop-Tart® update: Tarts have popped out of the toaster, but whoever put them in there set them for too long, and they're black as can be. Dave scared the crap out of me when he started fishing a tart out of the toaster with a metal fork, while holding the metal toaster case with his other hand. I hollered something at the TV. Someone on the set saw the risk, too, and hollered at him to warn him. Now, you'd think for liability reasons the manufacturer would see that the case isn't grounded, but if something would have gone wrong, the juice would have gone right through Dave's heart. Yikesahooty.

    Ted is very involved with Oceana, which promotes responsible fishing. He tells us that if the world's ocean fish are managed responsibly, they could feed the world.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Coming up, fun new return address labels for Columbus Day!" ••• Dave's proud to announce a new service for Late Show viewers. Alan Kalter will fill us in. / video:
    We see writer Mike Leech, as a civilian watching TV at home, with peppy music in the background.

    (Alan Kalter voice-over): "Dissatisfied with tonight's Late Show?"

    A disappointed-looking Mike places his TV in a shipping box.

    (Alan continues): "Simply return the unused contents of tonight's show in a self-addressed, stamped box. Then... place that box inside another box. Be sure to apply the proper postage before sending it to:

    Dissatisfied Late Show Viewer Registry
    1697 Broadway
    New York, NY 10019

    (clip): 1970s-era engineers, dressed sharply in suits, at work in a room with a bank of huge IBM computers

    (Alan): "In six to eight weeks, your complaint will be officially filed in our state-of-the-art computer database. It's just that simple!"

    ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Glynn Borders, special effects man and Tom O'Brien, stagehand. ••• out of commercials: Dave asks Paul if he can smell the last bit. ••• Andrew Norelli has a fun stand-up routine, mostly about shopping for mattresses. He'll be at Harvey's Comedy Club in Portland, today through Sunday (since today's Late Show was recorded yesterday). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    9/29/14 [4091]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a birthday lady, who very possibly may have her birthday in a different month. •••

    monologue:

    "Go see this movie... Denzel Washington, The Equalizer. Anybody seen...? Oh, my God, what a fan... It's the number one movie in the country, and it's about a guy who has a mysterious, dark past, who is now working at Home Depot®. Yes. I'm tellin' you, that's me in a year."

    (me): Ding ding ding! I played the Dave and won. I saw the punch line coming down Broadway when he said "mysterious, dark past," and when he said Home Depot®, I was sure. If you've paid attention to Dave, you know he likes going to hardware stores. So, there you have it!

    ••• "Don't Mess with de Blasio" / video:
    (title graphic and dramatic music / photo of the mayor, looking threatening)

    (female news anchor): "The groundhog that slipped out of Mayor de Blasio's hands at the Staten Island Zoo in February was found dead the following week."

    (clip): It looks to me like the little fellow jumped. Regardless, the problem here is that the mayor of New York City is 25 feet tall. With the acceleration of gravity of 32 ft/sec.2, this is not like falling from the average mayor's hands.

    (title graphic and dramatic music / photo of the mayor, looking threatening)

    •••

    interruption: "Comedy Jackpot"

    A casino game appears onstage. Dave's rolled three pairs of cherries.

    (Pete Fatovich voice-over): "Congratulations, Dave. You've hit the comedy jackpot. Way to go!"

    ••• How on earth do we keep of all the rascally terrorist groups these days? With a "Defense Department Update," that's how. / video:
    (graphic): DOD seal

    (voice-over): "The Department of Defense is monitoring a number of terrorist groups who view the United States as their enemy, including al Qaeda, ISIS, Al Shabaab, Khorasan, NUDU, GUB, al Babobob, Baby Pianos, The Dirty Ducks, Sunshine Crew, Fuzzy, al Fuzzy and WOOOOOOOP. A message from the Department of Defense, Consumer Reports' #1 Defense Department for five years running."

    (animated award graphic)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Celebrity Sighting": "I was downtown yesterday and I saw that actress from that movie." / a plug for Acura ••• TTL set-up: Pretty boy George Clooney got married in Venice, Italy yesterday, to that hot British-Lebanese lawyer lady, Amal Alamuddin. (Good luck with that, George.) / Top Ten Things Overheard at George Clooney's Wedding / #10: "Beautiful bride and a very pretty groom" / #9: "Really, a cash bar?" / #6 is an audience shout out. "Next stop: Alabama Dreamland Bar-B-Que." (A happy customer? The owner? We don't know.) •••
    Neil Patrick Harris plugs Gone Girl, and pimps his book, Neil Patrick Harris: Choose Your Own Autobiography, an interactive approach, which is due on October 14. I've never seen his Doogie or Mother shows, but I've always liked him as a guest. He was on when I was in town for DaveCon on 6/03/13.

    Speaking of Clooney's Venice wedding, Neil got married in Italy on September 7, as the happy couple's first trip had been to Italy. Elton John performed at the festivities. Dave gets a big laugh when NPH asks him, "Do you know Kelly Clarkson's 'A Moment Like This' ?" "Oh, do I!," Dave replies with a blank stare. The fireworks technician nailed the timing of the 'splosions.

    Neil did some crazy stuff in Broadway's Hedwig and the Angry Inch this year, including a fair amount of dry humping. (We'll come back to this later.)

    The aforementioned book is an autobiography. You, the reader, are Neil, and you can decide what direction you want to go in the stories within. Neil: "If you want to, you know, shag a circus trapeze performer in Berlin, go to page 85." Dave interrupts to announce that in the history of LSDL, Mr. Harris is the first to invoke both shagging and dry humping!

    We're not done yet. Neil informs Dave that he's in the book. Dave is honored. Neil reads a passage for us,

    "I've done this show 10 times. I love David Letterman. He's like a father figure to me... only a sexy father. So suave... so rakishly1 handsome, and a generous kisser... and a generous lover. You might expect him to be more selfish in bed, but no, he's very thoughtful. He's always tending to my needs first." (YouTube)

    (me): See, I told you he's a great guest.

    1 rakish | adjective | having or displaying a dashing, jaunty, or slightly disreputable quality or appearance : He had a rakish, debonair look.

    The twins, Gideon and Harper, are almost four. Gideon sometimes wants to be called someone else. For a time, he insisted that he be addressed as Tony. He may be a fan of Tony Danza. Halloween's coming. When they were little, dad and dad could pick their costumes. "Now," Neil says, "they have these things called opinions." Their choice of Halloween 2014 costumes is ever-changing.

    The tagline for Gone Girls is, "With his wife's disappearance having become the focus of an intense media circus, a man sees the spotlight turned on him when it's suspected that he may not be innocent." It's dark and twisted. Watch out. It will sucker you in. There are twists and turns. Oops! Neil says, "It's not the first time you've seen my bare ass in a movie." (ding ding ding) Add bare ass to the collection tonight, with shagging and dry humping! (YouTube)

    ••• Dave wishes happy birthday to his assistant Mary Barclay, who tries unsuccessfully to hide. ••• "Sue Hum: World Traveler" is a new segment... the last in a series, we're guessing.
    Sue is green-screened into a few dozen different destinations, as the CBSO plays a theme song that lasts 1½ minutes, until Dave blows the whistle on the foolishness. If you want to know the lyrics, I can't help you. I couldn't understand some of the destinations. I'm sure Mike will have it for you in the Wahoo Gazette. (not that you're reading this, anyway)

    I enjoyed Sue's stop at a Cleveland diner, for eggs and bacon.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Please notify CBS if you experience a problem with the focus or sound, or with the temperature in your living room." CBS Cares. •••
    Aretha Franklin sings, with a group of back-up singers and musicians. She hasn't been on LSDL for 15 years, when she sang "Nessun Dorma" on 5/18/99. It was good to see her again. Goodness! It's been 34 years since Aretha appeared in The Blues Brothers with Tom "Bones" Malone. Dave tells us that Aretha is the first woman who was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

    Aretha sits down with Dave after her performance. She reveals that she was bumped from The Ed Sullivan Show when she was 17. Her new album, produced by Clive Davis, Aretha Franklin Sings the Great Diva Classics, will be available on October 21.

    ••• bumper: Sue Hum, the green-screen traveler ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    I have my hands full tonight. I was born in Kansas City, and now live 110 miles west. The Kansas City Royals are in the playoffs for the first time since they won the World Series in 1985, so I'm following them on the radio while watching LSDL. The Royals are playing the Oakland Athletics, who used to be the Kansas City Athletics. The Late Show comes on at 10:35 P CT. As I just started to write this log, the Royals won the game, 9-8, in the 12th inning, at 11:53 P. The Royals will head to California at about 2:00 A. By the way, the Kansas City Chiefs (who play on the other side of the parking lot from the Royals at the Truman Sports Complex on I-70) beat the New England Patriots 41-14 last night!

    9/30/14 [4092]: "Benjamin Netanyahu Geopolitical Zinger" / video:

    (title graphic and old-time rock and roll music)

    (Benjamin on C-SPAN): "You know, to say that Iran doesn't practice terrorism is like saying Derek Jeter never played shortstop for the New York Yankees."

    (FX): rim shot, aaoogah horn

    (clips): George H. W. Bush with Barbara Bush, Iranian president Hassan Rouhani, cheering crowds, etc.

    (title graphic)

    ••• interruption: It's the tall, gray-haired dude who shows up during monologues as politicians and other smooth talkers. Tonight we're going to pretend that he's Patrick R. Donahoe, postmaster general of the United States. / video:
    (Dave): "What? What? Oh, hello."

    (Patrick): "Hello, Dave."

    (Dave): "Hi. Hi. What can I... what can I do for you?"

    (Patrick): "Well, I'm Postmaster General Patrick R. Donahoe."

    (Dave): "Oh, my God! Nice to have you here, Mr. Donahue. Donahoe?"

    (Patrick): "Donahoe."

    (Dave): "Great to have you here. What can I do for you?"

    (Patrick): "Well, Dave, as you may have heard, one of our employees was recently found to be illegally hoarding over 40,000 pieces of undelivered mail."

    (Dave): "I just... I just mentioned that. That's crazy. That is crazy. Yeah."

    (Patrick): "Well, I'm just here to let your listeners know that I've made it my personal responsibility to deliver every piece of that missing mail to its intended recipient."

    (Dave, applauding): "Well, good for you! That's... that's quite an undertaking."

    (Patrick): "Yes, it is. So Dave, here is your April 2011 issue of Good Housekeeping."

    (Dave): "Wow! Wow, that's great! Look at that! Dr. Oz! I wondered what happened to that. That's fantastic! Thank you very much, Mr. Donahoe."

    (Patrick): "You're welcome."

    (Dave): "That's just great. Thank you very much."

    (Patrick): "Well, I've gotta go now, Dave."

    (Dave): "Thanks."

    (Patrick): "But before I go, If I may, I wonder if I could sing a song."

    (Dave): "No, I don't think so..."

    (Patrick): "Hit it, Paul."

    (Dave): "No, I don't think we want a song."

    (Patrick, singing, sort of): "Wait! Oh, yes. Wait a minute, Mr. Postman."

    (Dave): "He said he's going to sing a song."

    (Patrick, with actions, joined by Felicia): "Wait, Mr. Postman. Oh, Mr. Postman, look and see."

    (Dave): "No, no, no, no, no. Get out of here!"

    (Patrick): "Is there a letter in your bag for me?"

    (Dave): "Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. That's it. That's it! Get out of there. We don't have time. Thanks. Take that with you."

    (Patrick, saluting Dave): "Postmaster general... out!"

    (Dave, returning salute): "Alright. Alright. Beat it."

    ••• Everybody's talking about George Clooney's wedding in Venice." / video:
    (CNN clips of Venice and the wedding)

    (voice-over and movie clips): "George Clooney was married Saturday to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin, along the canals of Venice, Italy. Wedding attendees arrived via boat, and included such names as rocker and fellow humanitarian, Bono, Ocean's Eleven co-star, Matt Damon, veteran actors Joe Pesci and Danny Glover, colleague and mentor Harrison Ford, fellow People's Sexiest Man Alive, Pierce Brosnan, long-time friends John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, and, of course, the excited groom."

    (George, in an action movie, screaming): "Die, you bitch! Die!"

    (voice-over): "Peter Peterson, CNN."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey! You can't spell 'brisket' without 'risk.' " / a plug for Kellogg's Raisin Bran •••

    desk chat:

    • There are two young ladies in the audience who obviously were in a pre-show visit with Dave. Now he's making a fuss about getting pizza for them. For some unknown reason, the show has been trying to get pie from some unnamed place in Brooklyn, rather than the great stuff from Angelo's, right in their building. Dave says, "The pizza people are being jerks." A "top guy" is on the way there, now, on the bullet train.

    • Dave picks up the phone. It's baseball play-by-play on the line. Wanna bet Bill Scheft is in on this one? (edit): Yup. Scheft has tweeted that the voice we hear is Mark Patrick Storen.

      (announcer): "6' 2" Alvarez... one of 17 players in major league history with the last name Alvarez. Of course, infielder Pedro Alvarez of the Pirates, another current major-leaguer named Alvarez. Pedro's nickname, though, is El Toro. That, of course, means The Bull. Hey, El Toro in Georgetown, also one of the favorite dinner stops for several of our Nationals, who, when they've got that hankering for chili con cueso and some chips... That, of course, translates chili with cheese (and some chips). High and tight. Two and one. Time to check in on the..."

      Dave hangs up.

    • TTL montage

    • Dave goes back to his rant about the pizza place in Brooklyn. It sounds like they asked for pizza for a mention on the show. Nope. Paul chimes in.

    • (There's more baseball on the phone, with that familiar twang so many baseball PBP guys speak with.) "Go Out of Town Scoreboard, brought to you by Geico®. 'We just sponsor everything.' Cincinnati over Pittsburgh, 4 to 1. Johnny Cueto winning number 20 for the Redlegs. Boy... you know, as we head into the playoffs, that Reds - Pirates matchup conjures up some great memories, doesn't it, of the great '72 NLCS? Remember George Foster scoring the winning run in that one, when Pittsburgh's Bob Moose threw a wild pitch? Boy, the Pirate fans weren't saying 'Moose.' They were booing! Here's the 2 - 1. Fouled down the left field line on a play..."

      Dave hangs up.

    • TTL set-up
    ••• Top Ten Secret Service Excuses / #6 is an audience shout out for the pizza girls. / more baseball:
    "You know, say what you want about Conseco. Big power numbers. The big RBI at OPS guy, low (something) rating, pumped-up, twin brother of Ozzie, but you know, that twitching thing drove so many fans absolutely bonkers. Ryan Zimmerman on deck! Zim turning 30 years old today. Happy birthday, Ryan Zimmerman!"

    Dave hangs up.

    ••• after commercials: more baseball
    "Zimmerman, of course, the real last name of music's Bob Dylan... Robert Zimmerman. No relation. Ohhh, how these times have been a changin' for Nats fans, with these last two division championships in the last three seasons. Ball to the dirt. Count's full. This full count brought to you by Budweiser. 'When you're full, have another!' "
    •••
    John Oliver plugs HBO's Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. He says for several years in England, he "failed at success" in his quest to for a stand-up comedy career, but "failed upwards to America" when Jon Stewart brought him here. He says, "It's the dream of every immigrant." John was on a Rolling Stone cover in August 2014. "It's amazing for me, and it's a sad day for Rolling Stone."

    John's wife was an Army medic in Iraq. He's very proud of her, and says she "married down."

    There's a lengthy attempt to explain English soccer.

    ••• desk chat: more on the quest for pizza / no luck •••
    What's this? Bells ring. Sirens sound. Alan Kalter jumps in. Dave has said tonight's Secret Word, which tonight was radish. Dave never said radish. Never mind. Dave then says radish. This time he wins for sure! Alan puts on a hat and trenchcoat, and exits the theater... a job well done.

    (me): Remember "Alan Kalter's Secret Word?" Of course you don't. It ended 14 years ago.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "When we come back: our experts explain why your most cherished beliefs are wrong." •••
    Maggie Q plugs the new series, Stalker. The minute she walked onstage, I thought, "Who is this goddess?" Well, her name is Margaret Denise Quigley. She's 35, and has an American father and a Vietnamese mother.

    Maggie grew up in Hawaii. She moved to Asia to pursue acting and/or modeling in Japan and Taiwan, and landed in Hong Kong, a broke student, where she was taken in by a kind woman who was beginning as an agent. As it happens, she was a regular viewer of Dave's show, and would stay up late to watch. The lady informed Maggie that some day she would be on Dave's show, and here she is! Not only that, the nice lady is in the audience tonight, and Dave goes out to greet her. Maggie was in Bruce Willis's Live Free or Die Hard in 2007.

    She is passionate about animals and, not surprisingly, is a vegetarian. Dave tells her the story of Sully killing a deer. Maggie likes German shepherds and pitbulls. One time, she and her German shepherd encountered a buck deer, who tried to kill the dog. Maggie about got killed in the process, because she jumped on the deer, who threw her into a tree. She got a 2½-foot cut out of the deal. Dave advises Maggie, "You don't want to be hoppin' on a deer, unless it's a John Deere."

    What a charming, fun and beautiful woman! Here's Maggie's @LETTERMAN card

    ••• Bleachers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    10/01/14 [4093]: monologue:

    "Don't you love autumn? It's a beautiful time of year, and the... down in Washington, speaking of the White House, the nuts... the squirrels rounding up the nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing."

    "But I want to tell you, what about that George Clooney wedding? Wasn't that nice? Wow! And you know, years ago George Clooney made a bet with Michelle Pfeiffer. He bet her $100,000 that he would never get married. Yup. So he lost that bet, and George's wife... the new wife... heard about this, and she said, "Wait a minute! You gamble?"

    ••• Here, by way of a live satellite hookup, is a look at White House security. / black & white video:
    We see two agents, two U.S. flags, and a civilian (maybe Chris Dimino) who wishes to enter.

    (agent 1): "Where are you heading, sir?"

    (civilian): "The Oval Office."

    (agent 1): "And who are you?"

    (civilian): "I'm the president."

    (agent 1): "OK. Go right ahead, sir."

    (me): One of the Secret Service agents was played by the unknown actor who played Dr. Arnold Scanlon of the CDC on 1/16/13. The other is a real Late Show security man, whose name I don't know.

    ••• The Late Show has acquired exclusive footage of the Clooney wedding. Hmm. It's a lovely brunette bride, walking beside Mr. Darth Vader. Following a respectful distance behind are two storm troopers. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, (sorry... don't know what Alan's funny was... it was accidentally cut off by CBS) •••

    desk chat:

    • It's more Mark Patrick Storen on the phone, with special MLB baseball coverage for us.

      "And hello again, everybody, from Nationals Ballpark in our nation's capital. Top of the 5th now. The Nationals' Denard Span stepping into the box to face the Venezuelan right-hander, the Marlins' Henderson Alvarez. Alvarez, the former Toronto Bluejay, toes the slab and, as we mentioned, from Valencia Carabobo, Venezuela. Would have made him a Venezuelan Bluejay, a rare bird, indeed. Ball one, low and away. 95 MPH fastball on the NATCA radar gun. The National Air Traffic Controllers Association. NATCA... Why do we need to advertise? Span steps out of the box now... adjusts his 32-inch-waisted trousers. Denard hitting .302 in his career season. Five of his last seven, nine of his last 13, 17 of his last 35, 38 of his last 71, 112 of his last 404, 508 of his last 1630. Takes a slider for strike, and it's one-and-one. Glorious..."

      Dave hangs up.

    • Dave runs through the history of Jeopardy.

    • Dave takes a side trip now, mentioning a dust-up at The View. There's a new mix of co-hosts. Paul may have heard about this, too.

    • Dave picks up the phone. It's more baseball.

      (Mark Patrick Storen): "...day for baseball here in Nationals Park. Seven well-meaning gals in the left field red suites, taking in the sunshine. A little vitamin D, if you will. Looks as if they took advantage of that late-season sale in the Nationals' team shop, with those somewhat loose-fitting team tank tops, adorned with the bedazzled, curly-W logo. Alvarez with the wind, and the one-one strike at the knees. And Denard can't believe it! One-and-two."

      Dave hangs up.

    • Now Dave embarks on the TTL set-up, but because of baseball, he forgot to call for the TTL montage. Anyway, Jeopardy is in the doghouse with some people who consider Monday's category, What Women Want, to be sexist.

      Nancy Agostini's giving Dave the business now, since he didn't open the TTL. "I'll get it open. It's not my first day," our host assures Nancy. I'm not listing the sexist questions here. I don't want in trouble with all the women's organizations who don't read this site.

    ••• Top Ten Offensive "Jeopardy" Categories / #6 is an insult to Big Red... Alan Kalter. ••• It's more baseball, with Mark Patrick Storen.
    "You know, I, uh... I shared it on my Facebook page and on Twitter. Fouled back. Count remains full. I haven't really watched the video, but so many of my Facebook friends gave it likes, I know it's gotta be an instant classic, like so many of the Bud spots of lore. The Busch family, of course, owners of that St. Louis Cardinal ball club that's in action later this afternoon, in Arizona. Game time 4:05. High irony there. Arizona Cardinals. Ha! There's a single to left. Span on, and the Nationals have a threat in the 5th. Boy, they...

    Dave hangs up.

    •••
    Big Bill O'Reilly is in to plug his latest history book, Killing Patton: The Strange Death of World War II's Most Audacious General. It was released on September 23, and supposedly is a New York Times best-seller already. (Wouldn't it be cool if the book played the theme to Patton when you opened the cover?)

    There's circumstantial evidence that General Patton was murdered, at the order of Stalin. Gen. Patton, one day before he was to return to the U.S. for a speaking tour about his concerns with the Russians, was fatally injured in a car wreck. Hey! Dave shows Big Bill's next book, Killing Van Patten, with Dick Van Patten on the cover. Good lord... it's not a how-to book, is it?

    Bill's interview is going to be all over the place. Dave's in a talkative mood tonight, and sometimes Bill has to wait to get in a word edgewise. Dave wants to start with Washington. Why not just shut it down? The director of the Secret Service resigned today, in the wake of the civilian who hopped the fence and got inside a couple of weeks ago. We'd always thought the Secret Service was the best, but not now. Bill says they're very dedicated. The problem is management and political appointees who don't know what they're doing.

    Then there's the beheading problem. Bill says Americans don't want our military in other countries. Iraq was a mistake. We can't impose our country on another country. (I was saying that during Vietnam.) ISIS is equivalent to the Nazis, as life means nothing to them. Bombing to send a message is the answer.

    Dave wants to know why the Chinese, with all their people and resources, can't get involved with world problems. Bill says their leadership is too busy dominating their citizens. They actually have Muslim terrorists, but they just shoot them. Meanwhile, America wants to give the terrorists trials and lawyers.

    Why do the barbarians have such low regard for life? Many can't read or write. They think they're going to heaven.

    The NFL's up next. Bill says the problem is, there are no rules. Dave says domestic violence isn't the NFL's problem, "so just shut up." He says, "The problem is violence against women. It doesn't make any difference if it's the NFL, it doesn't make any difference if it's the Red Cross, it doesn't make any difference if it's the Rotary Club. It's violence against women." The problem's no greater in the NFL than in society in general. He wants the NFL to take its vast wealth and help to educate people.

    Dave has a survey for Bill. They'll compare notes on personal preferences. Here's the vitally-important information:

    Bill O'Reilly vs. David Letterman
    Question
    O'Reilly
    Letterman
    Chocolate or vanilla?
    vanilla
    chocolate
    Boats or airplanes?
    airplanes
    airplanes
    Race cars or racehorses?
    racehorses
    race cars
    Day or night?
    night
    night
    Rivers or lakes?
    rivers
    rivers
    Pie or cake?
    cake
    pie!
    Stars or planets?
    stars
    planets
    Baseball or football?
    football
    n/a
    Steak or salad?
    steak
    steak
    Cattle or bison?
    bison
    bison
    Winter or summer?
    summer
    winter
    Yes or no?
    depends
    no
    Lobster or crab?
    lobster
    crab
    Long hair or short hair?
    no choice!
    short
    Weed or booze?
    neither!
    2 for weed!
    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan Kalter mugs for the camera. ••• Secret Service director Julia Pierson resigned today. It's time for "Secret Service Director Julia Pierson: A Look Back." / video:
    (title graphic and music): a photo of Ms. Pierson

    That's it. She didn't do anything. End of discussion.

    ••• Backstage Photo Club card: It's Susan Hum, a.k.a. Sue Hum, costume designer. •••
    Cristin Milioti plugs NBC's A to Z, which premieres tomorrow.

    Cristin spent most of her early years in New York. She said she cried happy tears three times since last night, when she got back. Cristin has some crazy topics. She had swine flu as a youngster. I don't understand the timeline, but another of her bumps in the road was a huge bedbug infestation in an apartment she had just rented. Most of her belongings had to be dumped.

    She died in How I Met Your Mother, and tells how she found out that was her character's destiny... that she was going out in "a blaze of glory."

    Cristin is Zelda in A to Z. She meets Andrew (A), and "hijinks ensue." She asks Dave how he likes hijinks, and a new Letterman catch phrase is born: "There's not a man, woman or child alive today who doesn't enjoy hijinks."

    ••• partial credits

    The Oct. 2 write-up won't be my best work. The Kansas City Royals were wrapping up a squeaker in Anaheim, that ended with a home run in the 11th inning. Royals 3 - Angels 2.

    10/02/14 [4094]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady whose preshow question must have been about meat. ••• "This Week in Naked TV" / video:

    (title graphic and pulsating theme song)

    Dating Naked clip: kissing

    Naked and Afraid clip: a couple blurred-out on a beach

    Face the Nation clip: A naked and tattooed Bob Schieffer says, "We are gonna start with a story that just will not go away."

    (title graphic)

    (me): Those naughty kids were a bad example for the old-timer.

    (Dave): "That Bob Schieffer thing is based on a dream I keep having."

    ••• "KOMO Special Report" / video interruption:
    (title graphic)

    (voice-over): "This is a KOMO News Special Report."

    (KOMO-TV anchor Eric Johnson): "Putting caffeine in your underpants will not help you lose weight."

    (voice-over): "We now return you to Late Show with David Letterson."

    (Dave): "I've been here 21 years... it's Letterson. That's close."

    (Paul): "Close enough."

    ••• The director of the Secret Service resigned her job this week because of incompetence. The new director is coming out of retirement. He's all cop. We meet him in "Get to Know Joseph Clancy."
    (title graphic and easy listening music)

    (photos): Clancy, next to Barack Obama

    (voice-over): "Former special agent Joseph Clancy is regarded as one of the top security agents in the nation. He lives in this suburban Philadelphia home,..."

    (photos, exterior an interior)

    (voice-over): "...seen here in photos provided by intruders."

    (FX): boing sound FX

    (title graphic, goofy music and voice-over): " 'Late Show Irony Corner' is brought to you by Banana Strings, the stringy bits you pull off bananas."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Not to brag, but my personal items in the overhead bin have never shifted during flight." / a plug for Chevrolet •••

    "Small Town News"

    • The Wisconsin State Journal, Madison, Wisconsin: weather report for today: "Mostly cloudy. Winds from the SSW at 1500 mph. 81°"

    • The New Britain Herald, New Britain, Connecticut: business section caption: "Socks down as investors sell."

    • The Herald-Sun, Durham, North Carolina: open house announcement: "Come join Durham Funeral and Cremation for this fun family event."

      (me): Happy birthday on this October 2nd to James J. "Biff" Henderson, a native of Durham, North Carolina! (not that he's ever heard of this page)

      (edit): Over the years, there have been references to both Oct. 2 and Oct. 3 as Biff's birthday, with more references to Oct. 2 than Oct. 3.

    • The Akron Beacon-Journal, Akron, Ohio: police blotter: "After hearing strange noises, a Huffman Road resident called police... Officers checked the house and found only a 'coughing dog.' "

    • The Independent-Mail, Anderson, South Carolina: headline: "Deputy shoots resident with knife"

    • The Ravalli Repubic, Hamilton, Montana: headline: "Stoner family members facing drug charges"

    • The Morning Journal, Lisbon, Ohio: police blotter: "... caller reported there was a male dressed in a female bathing suit. Police determined the suspicious person was actually a girl."

    • The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Little Rock, Arkansas: classified ad: Parakeet or cocktail wanted"

      (At this point, Dave and the CBSO perform a selection from "Only a Coughing Dog.")

    • The Curry Coastal Pilot: headline: "Ocean conditions perfect for bottom grabbers"

    • (YouTube video)
    •••
    Johnny Galecki plugs The Big Bang Theory.

    Johnny gave up smoking about a month ago, and there's a lengthy discussion of the process.

    He's been doing a lot of traveling: to Prague, Copenhagen and Iceland. As we've learned from past visits with Tom Brokaw, about 90% of Icelanders believe in elves. That's a little awkward, but on the bright side, "It's like an untouched gene pool of gorgeous, Viking blondes."

    Johnny went to China, to promote the show. Soon after leaving, the government banned the show. He's not sure why.

    The show's entering its eighth season, and it's down for at least three more. The cast and crew are having a blast doing it.

    ••• [A supermarket employee in Croton-on-Hudson, New York was arrested on Sept. 30 for leaving the market with $1,200 of meat in his pants.] / Top Ten Criminal Charges Facing the Alleged Meat Thief / #9: patty theft / #2: bacon and entering / #1: choplifting ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Do you have an unusually sharp pencil? We'd like to hear about it!" •••
    André Benjamin plugs Jimi: All Is by My Side. (Is André the first guest to interview wearing sunglasses since Joaquin Phoenix in early 2009? I don't know.)

    Dave's very impressed with this movie. He tells André that it looks like actual footage of Jimi Hendrix, the subject, who only lived to be 27. There's lengthy discussion of left-handed vs. right-handed guitars, and whether they're strung right for the person playing. Actually, Waddy Wachtel played the music for André. Regardless, Dave's looking forward to seeing the rest of the movie.

    ••• Delta Spirit (all the way from Brooklyn) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    I was multitasking again tonight, with the Kansas City Royals on radio, while watching and logging tonight's LSDL. In ALDS game two vs. the Angels, the Royals broke a tie with a two-run home run by Eric Hosmer in the 11th inning. The Royals can wrap up the series at Kauffman Stadium on Sunday.

    We had a cold front in Manhattan today. I woke up and finished this log at 6 a.m., and it's 35° F. We'll be back in the 80s mid-week, the iPhone says.

    10/03/14 [4095]: "Now It's Serious" / video:

    (title graphic and ominous music)

    (KTRK-TV 13 Houston consumer reporter Patricia Lopez): "The Ebola virus could drive chocolate prices up even higher!"

    (title graphic and ominous music)

    ••• There's trouble in Hong Kong. Here's the latest. / video:
    (clip): a throng of protestors

    (voice-over): "Thousands of protestors in Hong Kong are demanding..."

    (network difficulty): snow

    (CBS voice-over): "CBS, at the request of its owner, China, has canceled this counterproductive comedy segment. Instead, please enjoy this amusing state-approved video."

    (fun clip): It's a young Chinese guy, a game show contestant, trying to pop a record number of balloons with his head.

    ••• George Clooney went and got himself married last weekend. The Late Show staff have put together a directory of remaining eligible bachelors. / video:
    (video clips of the gents): Gary Busey, Charlie Sheen, Donald Sterling's apology, and Richard Simmons in a tutu, making us very, very sick
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "The camera adds ten pounds of tire pressure." / a plug for DirecTV •••

    desk chat:

    Liam Neeson's Taken 3 will come out next year. This brings the question of whether he's running out of people to rescue. After all, he's already rescued two. Dave advises us that there will always be people to rescue, and at the end of the day, he personally can always help people. (pause) "And if I can't, well... I get paid, either way." Dave pressed for an early clip from Taken 3. / video:
    (voice-over): "First they took his daughter. Then they took his wife. Now Liam Neeson returns for one more rescue, in TAK3N."

    (man duct-taped to a chair): "Bryan, I've been taken."

    (Liam/Bryan): "Who is this?"

    (man duct-taped to a chair): "It's Burt... Burt Loomis, from next door."

    (Liam/Bryan): "Oh, the orthodontist."

    (man duct-taped to a chair): "No. That would be Neal. He's on the other side."

    (Liam/Bryan): "The guy with the Subaru Outback?"

    (man duct-taped to a chair): "I... I've got the green Honda Odyssey."

    (Liam/Bryan): "I'm sorry. It's not ringing a bell."

    (man duct-taped to a chair): "Look! I'm about to be murdered."

    (Liam/Bryan): "Well, good luck with that."

    (hangs up / dial tone)

    (man duct-taped to a chair): "Are you still there, Bryan?"

    (voice-over): "Taken 3. Coming soon."
    ••• TTL set-up: A couple of companies have actually sold caffeine-infused underwear to women, promising weight loss. The Federal Trade Commission has pulled the plug on the scam. / Top Ten Other Products Recently Rejected by the Federal Trade Commission / #9: Visine with bleach / #6 is an audience shout out about a 400-pound desk. / #4: home appendectomy kit •••

    desk chat: "Let me just say one thing... and I ask nothing of you, honest to God, but when you see me button my suit jacket... at home, have the decency to button your suit jacket." (Paul quickly buttons up.)

    •••

    Mariska Hargitay plugs NBC's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. The show has been on since 1999, and so has Mariska.

    Mariska has three children, ages eight, three and three. She has a tale about an airline trip with her offspring last spring. She's a nervous flyer, but the trip in question began well. It was great. Then August, 8, urped all over the place, including on Mommy. She calls for a flight attendant, who with her evil look is clearly not pleased. The flight attendant lady returns in a hazmat suit. She jokes that she sued the airline, and has a huge house now! By the way, August felt much, much better after the urpage. Dave says what you want is everyone on the plane to have reflex vomiting. Mariska says, "I've embraced vomit now, after three kids, and I feel good about it."

    She has worked with Vice-President Joe Biden, who as a Senator was instrumental in passing the Violence Against Women Act. Mariska has the Joyful Heart Foundation, to help victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, by healing and educating. One in three women, she says, will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. She has traveled with Joe Biden as a result of this, and recently had a trip on Air Force Two.

    ••• videotape: New York City at night •••
    We visit with Biff Henderson in the green room for a very special experiment. Dave asks what he's doing. "Just makin' some caffeinated underpants, Dave." The camera operator lets the door close, although Dave has more questions. Through the closed door, we hear Mr. Henderson begin a series of screams and profanities. Before it's over, we wonder if we're hearing screams of ecstasy or agony, but apparently we will never know. Dave apologizes for dragging all of North America into this delicate situation.
    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "9 grain bread: legitmate, or just showing off? Our panel debates, after this." ••• Simon Amstell does stand-up. It wasn't funny, and afterward, Dave never told him it was. ••• Kandace Springs sings. She's beautiful and talented, which is nice. ••• full credits and extended theme song

    10/06/14 [4096]: cold open: The reviews apparently came in early this evening. We're presented a disclaimer before the opening montage. Here's a phony screen capture:

    ••• OK, folks. This really happened on Sunday night (last night). / "60 Minutes Question of the Night" / video:

    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (clip): We see Scott Pelley with FBI director James Comey. (link)

    (Comey): "I was a high school senior and home alone one night with my younger brother. And a guy... gunman... kicked in our front door at our home in New Jersey and held the two of us captive. We escaped. He caught us again. We escaped again. So a pretty horrific experience."

    (Pelley, pretending to be a hard-hitting journalist): "Horrific how?"

    (title graphic and dramatic music)

    (me): The network didn't edit that out?

    ••• Here's a fun and educational new segment, and it comes with two bonus segments tonight: "People Whose Internal GPS Isn't Working" / video:
    (title graphic and peppy theme song)

    (George W. Bush, on 11/20/05): W. just finishes a press conference after arriving in Beijing. He turns, takes a few steps and is faced with two locked doors.

    (title graphic and peppy theme song)

    ••• "People Whose Internal GPS Isn't Working" / video:
    (on a city sidewalk): A reporter, carrying a microphone, is trying to interrogate a guy who's walking quickly.

    (reluctant interview subject): "...already said I won't be making any comment."

    (dumbass reporter walks into a sign post while sticking a microphone into the man's face): "Oh, my God!" as he falls down.

    ••• "People Whose Internal GPS Isn't Working" / video:
    (title graphic and peppy theme song)

    (clip from October 3): Mark Donnelly, who sings "O Canada" for the Vancouver Canucks while circling the arena on ice skates, doesn't see a rug laid out on the ice. He crashes hard, but hardly misses a note.