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1/01/13: REPEAT FROM 11/13/12

1/02/13 [3781]: NEW INTRO: "From the heart of Broadway... broadcasting across the nation and around the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman!" ••• monologue: "Welcome to the Late Show, ladies and gentlemen... referred to as TV's Entertainment Cliff." ••• Tonight's audience shout outs are to a guy from Philadelphia, and someone from Louisiana. ••• It seems that the Fiscal Cliff was avoided this week, but we always need something to worry about. Let's move on to "The Next Crisis in Washington." / video:

(title graphic)

(photo): The Capitol

(voice-over): "As of 3 P.M. today, the Senate cafeteria reached the Napkin Cliff."

(photo): an empty napkin dispenser

(FX): horror movie "someone's about to get killed" sound

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Next Crisis in Washington.' Contact your elected officials and demand action."

(title graphic)

••• Dave presents his New Year's resolutions:

1. I hope to have a gallery showing of my clown paintings.
2. I want to put all my Late Show jackets on eBay.
3. Bring muffins to my yoga class.
4. Speak up more at my book club.
5. Call my doctor five hours after taking Viagra.

••• "Bad Acting Gig" / video:

(title graphic)

We see a fat guy in a black t-shirt that says "FAT PANTS."

(fat guy): "Hey, it's me, your fat pants."

(title graphic)

••• "MSNBC: What the Hell Was That?" / video:
(title graphic and news intro music)

(clip): a Congressman, speaking on the House floor

(MSNBC guy on split screen): "How is that viewed by those on the other side... the... the GOP... uhhhh, Congress members that were very much against this deal?"

(title graphic and news intro music)

••• Joe Grossman's monkey, "Sherman Sneezes New Year's Wishes" / video:
(clip from 2008): Sherman in his usual sneezing chair

(music): a jazzed-up version of "Auld Lang Syne"

(cue Sherman): awesome sneeze

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Happy 2013, or for Platinum Elite Club Members, happy 2014!" ••• desk chat:
Dave has just one topic this evening. One of his pet peeves is the dropping of the ball in Times Square. People say, "They don't really drop a ball at all." Years ago, Dave called his Protestant friend at NASA, Murray Sugarman, to discuss what could be done about this. Dave wanted them to sync up with the clock "at the Air Force Academy." (Actually, the clock is kept by the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Ft. Collins.) Dave wants Felix Baumgartner (the guy who jumped from space on 10/14/12) to be the object that drops. Murray's going to make this happen for 2014, and here's an animation:
We see the revelers in Times Square. We hear a countdown nearing zero, then we see Felix jumping from space. Oops. Felix begins screaming like a man who's pretty sure he's about to kick the bucket, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" If he had a parachute, it didn't deploy. Splat!
••• [On Dec. 28, near the Oval Office, Speaker John Boehner told Sen. Harry Reid, "Go f   k yourself."] / Top Ten Signs Your Congressman Is a Hothead ••• Kathy Griffin ••• Chris Pratt plugs Zero Dark Thirty, about killing Osama bin Laden. He's married to Anna Faris. Nice goin', Chris! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Chris Pratt ••• Big Boi (Antwan André Patton) sings with special guest Jake Troth. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. [Will Lee's back, after an extended tour in Germany in December.]

1/03/13 [3782]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Saudi Arabia (supposedly). ••• Al Gore sold CURRENT TV to Al Jazeera for $500,000,000. (Global Fleecing) Anyway, Al Jazeera has some interesting new programming, and here's some perspective on the big purchase. / video:

(Freeplay music): "Need to Know"

(CNN video): "Al Jazeera, the Arab news channel, has purchased Al Gore's struggling CURRENT TV for $500,000,000. The channel will be relaunched as Al Jazeera America, with new programming such as Weird Al Jazeera."

(clip): We see some sort of Arab guy singing Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Lunch," like Weird Al Yankovic doing one of his parodies, but in the standard Osama bin Laden voice.

(CNN logo and voice-over): "More news after this."

••• Neil Armstrong's brother, Jerry Van Armstrong, is claiming Neil practiced in advance what he would say on the moon. / "Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal" / video:
(moon walk footage)

(Neil): "We finally put a man on the moon. No word yet on putting a man on Phyllis Diller."

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal.' "

••• "Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal" / video:
(moon walk footage)

(Neil): "The moon is eerily silent and cold. It's like I landed on my wife. Hey, oh!"

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Trivia Question: What was the first show hosted by Regis Philbin?" Answer: "Live! with Regis and Mary Todd Lincoln" ••• desk chat: Dave's not in the least happy about the no-show of the Mayan Apocalypse. Here to explain is Jim Keyes, Director of Mayan Public Relations. /
(Jim): "Thank you, Dave, for giving me this forum to talk about recent events. Did the world end? No. Were the Mayans embarrassed? Absolutely. I'm here to admit that mistakes were made, and that several high-ranking Mayans have been fired or reassigned. But we know that's not good enough for you folks. You were misled, disappointed and inconvenienced. That's why we're making the following offer: If, within the past 1,200 years, you purchased one of the defective Mayan calendars, simply return it to the place of purchase for a full refund, plus a free 2013 Mayan Joke-a-Day Calendar. You'll love it. It's a real hoot! The Mayans are committed to making this right, and regaining your trust. Thanks, and happy new year."
••• Because of worries about a bad season of norovirus, English scientists have created Larry the Humanoid Vomiting Simulator, to study the spread of the virus that causes major G.I. disturbances. (clip of Larry urping) / Top Ten Questions People Have About Larry the Vomiting Robot / #6: "Are we, as a culture, too lazy to do our own vomiting?" #4: "Is it more advanced than the Apple iVomit™?" •••
Regis Philbin is on because he hasn't been around since 9/28/12, and Dave just couldn't stand it any longer, I guess. / Dave ignores Regis for a while, as he calls the lovely Don Rickles to wish him a happy new year. Don has quite a collection of barbs for Dave, then whines when Dave puts him on the phone with Regis. Both gentlemen would like to know why Dave didn't invite either to the Kennedy Center Honors thing. Dave eventually hangs up on Don. / Before it's all over, we see the clip of Dave kissing Dustin Hoffman on 12/07/12.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan decides to change up the usual audience shot, substituting old black & white footage of three men on a motorcycle with dual side cars. ••• Alan Kalter has a special message:
(Alan): "I'm Alan Kalter, star of the Late Show with David Letterman. Now this is a message for people 62 and over. What if I told you that there's tax-free money to be made? That's right! Sign up for a reverse mortgage today. Before you know it, you'll be living on Easy Street!"

(Dave): tries unsuccessfully to get his show back

(Alan): " 'How does it work?', you ask. Well, who knows? You leave all that to the lawyers. Just go to my web site at kalterfinancial.com. Huh? Ho, I tell ya'! I'm almost done, Dave. Just give me a minute. Give your bank your information, and then you call your friends. You tell 'em you're rich. I did it! Talk show host David Letterman did it! And do can you!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Results not guaranteed. Not affiliated with a financial institution. Alan Kalter and Kalterfinancial are not liable for any losses. Consult with a professional before taking financial risks. Kalterfinancial is an equal opprotunity lender."

••• Zedd (Anton Zaslavski) with vocals by Foxes. They were good! ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/04/13 [3783]: "Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal" / video:

(moon walk footage)

(Neil): "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal.' "

••• Hugh Hefner, 86, married Crystal Harris, 26, on New Year's Eve, at the Mansion. / Dave: "This Crystal Tiffany... beautiful woman, and smart. Today she was in Hef's shower, loosening the grab bars." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Sydney. ••• "Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal" / video:
(moon walk footage)

(Neil): "I just landed on the moon. Tell my high school guidance counselor he can eat me!"

(female voice-over): "This has been 'Neil Armstrong's Moon Landing Rehearsal.' "

••• For some reason, Alan Kalter doesn't speak as we transition to commercials. He has three half-size cue cards, written by Tony Mendez:

JUST AHEAD, TOP TEN
THINGS OVERHEARD
DURING HUGH HEFNER'S
HONEYMOON!
AND TRACY MORGAN! SORRY, MY
MICROPHONE'S
BROKEN

•••

(Dave): "Let's check in with our good friends, Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up this weekend on the Weekend Late Show. Bruce... Linda... take it away."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave, and happy new year. How's 2013 treating you so far this year, Bruce?"

(Bruce): "So far, so good. And I'm happy to say I once again have a clean credit report."

(Linda): "Well, that's exciting! Something else I find exciting is ice skating, but not every community has an easily-accessible ice skating rink. That's why our fix-it guy, Fred Bartow, is going to show us how... with a little ingenuity... anyone can turn their back yard into a rink."

(Bruce): "I've gotta try that. Everyone knows about eBay and craigslist. But suppose you don't like using the computer, or suppose you've been prohibited from those web sites. We've got a bunch of great ideas for you to turn your unwanted holiday gifts into cold, hard cash."

(Linda): "And, speaking of gifts, it's time to write thank-you cards. So bring a pen and paper to take notes from our gratitude expert, Doris Hewlett, who will offer up just the right ways to express your appreciation."

(Bruce): "Thank you, Linda. (How's that, Doris?) All that, plus toothpick etiquette, coping with eczema and 'when is it OK to fudge a tax deduction?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Bruce and Linda. Wow! Wow!"

(Dave, to Paul): "I really hate those two. I mean, in the beginning I was... and then it's the guy..." (demonstrates swaying from side-to-side) "It's with this constant thing."

(Paul): "Well, what is..."

(Dave): "I don't know, but he... he ought to be in prison, that guy."

(Paul, laughing)

(Dave): "You can just tell by looking' at him that he's got a warrant, and a record, and just..." (moving back and forth again)

(Paul): "Is there anything..."

(Dave): "And she hates him, she hates him, too."

(Paul): "Oh, she... oh, you can tell!"

(Dave): "She can't stand him!"

(Paul): "She's gotta work with him."

(Dave): "No. No. He took her... he took a run at that once, and she hates him!"

(Paul): "That's what happens, you see."

(Dave): "It's... just... awful!"

(Paul): "Sure."

••• Top Ten Things Overheard During Hugh Hefner's Honeymoon / #1: "Clear!" ••• Tracy Morgan plugs the final season of 30 Rock. ••• Marv Albert ••• Tony Mendez does Act 5 ••• It's more Marv, and whatever he's calling the Albert Achievement Awards these days. ••• Everest sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/07/13 [3784]: wardrobe malfunction: Dave's wearing the worst tie ever. Apparently a guy in the audience gave him the business about it, as Wally Cleaver used to say. ••• It's unofficially Weasel Night at the Late Show. Dave's reference to a weasel lawyer sets off a series of jokes and cuts to this weasel photo:

••• monologue:

"You know who's in trouble again? Lindsay Lohan. I was hopin' that she would turn a new leaf, and I mean... by gosh... Lindsay Lohan, and she was in court again today. And this time... you remember the story... she was in a bar, or a nightclub or a thing until, like, at three in the morning, and she got into a fight with... guess what... a psychic. Because we're down to the Ps on her 'Must Get in a Fight With' index. So she gets into a fight with a psychic... and I'm tellin' you, she has been sworn in so many times... this Lindsay Lohan has been sworn in so many times, she has Bible elbow."
••• There's debate over a recent idea to mint a $1,000,000,000,000 coin, as it could ease the $16 trillion national debt. / video:
(photo): the U. S. Capitol

(voice-over): "The United States economy is in a dire financial situation."

(clip): Barack Obama speaking

(voice-over): "President Obama is ordering the minting of a new coin, with a value of one trillion dollars."

(photo): a box of rolled coins

(voice-over): "And, while supplies last, these platinum coins are now available to the public for only $19.99. These aren't replicas. They're actual legal tender! Do your part to help our nation rebuild."

(TELEBrands clip): A cute little doggie climbs a little staircase to join a mom and daughter in bed.

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Buy now, and get half off Doggie Stairs™, available at Gimbels."

••• The new season of Downton Abbey began last night. This year will be even more exciting than the first two seasons. / PBS promo video:
(British voice-over): "Coming up on season three of Downton Abbey."

(clips): a clip from the series, a driving dog in New Zealand, more series clips, horror movie clips Shecky found and a treadmill fail from YouTube

(British voice-over): "Downton Abbey: Check your local listings."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Let's See What's in Dave's Coffee Mug" (tonight: creamed corn) ••• Michael Strahan plugs Live. ••• Jessica Chastain plugs Zero Dark Thirty, the movie about exterminating Osama, and also her Broadway play, The Heiress, playing now at the Walter Kerr Theatre, 219 W. 48th St. (Hey... that's right across the street from the Best Western President, where I always stay when I go see the Late Show. I saw Ben Stiller's play there in 2011.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Conor Maynard sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [We had no Top Ten or desk chat tonight, or they were edited out.]

1/08/13 [3785]: [On January 3, a passenger on Icelandair attempted to choke a fellow passenger. He was unruly enough that passengers duct-taped him to a seat.] ••• "What's the Icelandair Passenger Duct-Taped to Today?" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "A telephone pole."

(Photoshop fun and animation): Dude's on a pole out in farm land. A truck honks when passing by.

(voice-over): "We'll see you next time on 'What's the Icelandair Passenger Duct-Taped to Today?' "

(title graphic)

••• Parking regulation signs have gotten hopelessly complicated in Midtown, but they're about to be simplified. / Photoshop fun:

••• At the end of the year we all worried about the fiscal cliff. Now it's the real deal: the debt ceiling. CNN's here to help. / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music: "Need to Know"

(photo): the U. S. Capitol

(voice-over): "In the coming weeks, Congress will once again grapple with America's spiraling national debt, currently around $16 trillion. The exact figure is calculated constantly by the National Debt Clock," (action photo) "...an ultra-sophisticated computer connected to a vast network of financial data sources. Costing nearly $4 billion per day to operate, the National Debt Clock is the cause of most of the national debt."

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "More news after this."

••• no Big Show Highlights tonight / Alan Kalter promos tonight's guests on The Chevy Chase Show. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave welcomes Jimmy Kimmel to the 11:30 (ET) time slot. Come on in, Jimmy. The water's fine.

  2. The Beltway Bunch does political song parodies. Their latest CD is Filibuster? I Don't Even Know Her! Tonight, right here on our stage, the Beltway Bunch performs a number about dead presidents. "Hayes and Garfield? No longer responding to stimuli." You get the idea.
••• [Al Roker got gastric bypass surgery in 2002, and he ultimately lost 100 pounds. He's recently released a memoir, Never Goin' Back: My Weight Loss Journey, and in it he revealed that he pooped his pants in the White House.] / Top Ten Other Al Roker Revelations ••• Brian Williams, consistently a great Late Show guest, discusses the issues of the day (such as gun control), astronomy and vacations with Dave. He also delivers a tremendous Regis impression. (video) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, with a plug for audience members / Hey! Who's the audience member who is duct-taped to his seat? What sort of mischief did he get into? ••• desk chat: Dave observes that the population of the United States is about 300,000,000. Now there are three concurrent 11:30 (ET) talk shows. That's 100,000,000 viewers for each show. No problem! ••• outside cam: Once again, it's time for NBC Guy Post-Interview Fun. We see Brian Williams making his way down the sidewalk, then hailing a cab. When a citizen beats him to it, he shoves the dude out of the way and hops in. Those network anchors are tough customers! ••• Morrissey sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/09/13 [3786]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who tried to buy Dave's white shirt. (Fail.) ••• It's the second installment of "What's the Icelandair Passenger Duct-Taped to Today?" Here's a historical note: When Dave asks the rhetorical question, "How many of you folks ever been duct-taped?", the horn section and Paul answer in the affirmative. / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "A flag pole."

(Photoshop fun): Dude's on a flag pole outside a school-type building, and he's making quite a fuss.

(animation and FX): The flag is raised as our National Anthem plays.

(voice-over): "We'll see you next time on 'What's the Icelandair Passenger Duct-Taped to Today?' "

(title graphic)

••• Kanye West knocked up Kim Kardashian a while back. They've just purchased an $11 million home in Belair. Does Dave have a photo? Jeter's place? Nope. It's that dump in Abbottabad where Osama was exterminated. How big was that compound? 12,000 sq. ft.? No.... wait. That's the size of Kim's ass. ••• no Big Show Highlights tonight / Alan Kalter promos tonight's guests on The Pat Sajak Show. •••
Did you know they have Kentucky Fried Chicken™ in the U.K.? Well, yesterday a British gent got mad when he was served a deep-fat-fried chicken kidney. / We go now to Hello Deli and Rupert Jee for the first-ever installment of "What's in the Deep Fryer?" / The CBSO play the theme song, a take-off of Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?" Dave has his usual small talk with Rupert. Using tongs, Rupert shows us the finished product. Alan informs us that we're playing for an iPod™. Dave says with confidence that it's a wallet. Paul says it's a piece of pastry, like a croissant. Then he thinks maybe it's a burrito. Dave decides it's an iPod™. Now Paul thinks it's a brioche. Alan announces that it's a deck of playing cards! "Damn you, Rupert!" Dave says. (video)
••• Josh Brolin plugs Gangster Squad, and calmly plays along with Dave's line of questioning about his various arrests. ••• Kathryn Bigelow plugs Zero Dark Thirty, which she directed. It's the new movie about exterminating Osama. ••• Act 5: Building engineer George Clarke, by an elevator upstairs, gives a run-down on tomorrow's guests. ••• more Kathryn Bigelow ••• Ray Wylie Hubbard sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/10/13 [3787]: Dave being goofy: Earlier this week he was mimicking working a fast food ketchup pump, and Anton Fig played along with cymbals. Tonight we get a Purell® dispenser. ••• We've been havin' fun with the duct-taped Icelandair passenger. The airline's looking at other ways to deal with rascally passengers. / Photoshop fun: The passenger's dangling behind the jet on a rope. ••• Dave likes to bring up his Protestant friend, Murray Sugarman, who was with NASA about a week ago. Tonight Murray's the inventor of Botox. ••• Steven Spielberg's Lincoln got 12 Academy Award nominations this morning. We have a change-up of the "screaming teen girls in the balcony" gag that's used with Ben Bernanke references. It's Lincolns in top hats. I don't know who they all are, but one is talent researcher John Klarl. ••• Seth MacFarlane and Emma Stone announced the nominations at the Academy's Samuel Goldwyn Theater in Beverly Hills early this morning. (Emma looked amazing.) Anyway, there are more Best Picture nominees these days. The Late Show has tinkered with the nominations just a bit. / video:

(lots of graphics)

(voice-over that's not Emma Stone): "And finally, the nominees for Best Picture are: Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty, Silver Linings Playbook, The Coleslaw Diaries, Loving Lumber, Bus Fumes: The Movie, Iguana Party, Sexually Repressed British People, Superhat, My Shy Bladder, Couscous for Nana and Butt Bongo Fiesta."

(clip of the real Emma Stone): "Congratulations to all the nominees."

(title graphic)

••• Governor Chris Christie is planning to lose weight this year. / video: It's a slight change-up of the "making a sandwich while speaking" gag from 2012. The governor's throwing together quite a fine salad. ••• no Big Show Highlights tonight / It's an upcoming guests tease for The Magic Hour. ••• desk chat: It's a big day in show business, with the Academy Awards nominations. Dave's especially taken with the Sound Editing category. As the films are nominated, all we hear is gibberish. ••• Top Ten Reasons Your Film Was Not Nominated for an Academy Award ••• Dave being goofy: It's a donkey noise, I think. ••• Michael J. Fox has another fine interview with Dave. There's a lengthy discussion of Parkinson's disease, and Michael's ongoing fundraising for research. To learn more, have a look at:

Fox Trial Finder

••• Act 5: Biff Henderson announces upcoming guests. ••• desk chat: After Canadian Michael J. Fox's segment, Dave visits with Paul about Canada. ••• interruption: Calling back the duct-taped Icelandair passenger, Alan Kalter has an ad for Alan Kalter's Super Duct Tape ••• Lena Dunham plugs Girls on HBO. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Lincolns in the balcony

1/11/13 [3788]: Tardy Report: Tony Mendez sneaks in very late, but he's sneaky enough that you can only see him on HDTV. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a young lady from Puerto Rico. ••• No one was selected for the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown this year. There's still good news: Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens have been named to The Asterisk Hall of Fame. [Me: How about the AsteROIDS Hall of Fame?] / Photoshop fun: A look at the Hall of Fame facility, with a giant * on it. ••• The Academy Awards nominations came out yesterday morning. There's a fascinating film nominated for Best Animated Short Film: Wile E. bin Laden / video:

(scene): We see Roadrunner in the middle of a desert highway. On the side of the road is an Arab guy with a unibrow and camo jacket, with his hands on a dynamite plunger. [Me: Why didn't it say Acme®?]

(Arab guy with unibrow plunges the plunger.)

(FX): The charge blows up in his face, but his unibrow remains intact.

(Roadrunner): "Meep meep."

(FX): cartoon "boing boing" sound

••• Zero Dark Thirty is tremendous. There's depiction of torture, and some critics have a problem with that.
(movie scenes)

(voice-over): "The most-talked-about movie of the year is now the best-reviewed. Richard Corliss (of Time calls Zero Dark Thirty '...movie journalism that snaps and stings.' Peter Travers (of Rolling Stone) calls it '...a knockout punch.' And Richard Roper (of The Chicago Sun-Times) said, 'Eh, it was slow in parts.' "

(FX): electrical zap, like a Taser

(Roper): "I mean, I loved it!"

(FX): more zaps

(Roper): "Mother of God!"

(graphic and voice-over): "Zero Dark Thirty. In theaters everywhere Friday."

••• "A Message from The Centers for Disease Control" / video:
(music): Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train"

(clips): flu sufferers coughing and sneezing, and doctors

(voice-over): "The current flu season is one of the worst on record. The Centers for Disease Control would like to issue the following correction: Our November message should have said, 'Do NOT lick doorknobs.' "

(graphic): "DO NOT LICK DOORKNOBS" and a big red X

(voice-over): "We apologize for any confusion."

(graphic): CDC logo

(voice-over): "The CDC: We'll leave the light on for you."

••• no Big Show Highlights tonight / instead, a tease with guests of Thicke of the Night ••• desk chat: 2012 was the hottest year on record. Why? / video: It's a clip of David Letterman kissing Dustin Hoffman on 12/07/12. •••
(Dave): "Before time gets away from us completely, let's do this. Let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Kids... Bruce, Linda..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. It's our annual Golden Gloves preview show, and it may be the best yet. We'll talk to Millie Melcher, who's been a Golden Globes usher and seat filler every year since the first ceremony in 1944."

(Bruce): "I guess we'll see how she fills a seat here. Hey... do you like zither music, Linda?"

(Linda): "Oh, yeah! Who doesn't?"

(Bruce): "Well, making their debut on our show with a few original songs is a Slovenian-American quintet, Zithering Heights."

(Linda): "I can't wait! Now, are you looking for a new hobby? Well, yo-yos are back, and we'll have a visit with yo-yo guru, Matt Baldwin. Maybe he'll even teach us a few tricks."

(Bruce): "I'll start limbering up! All that, plus choosing the right air freshener, recipes for wintertime mocktails and 'whatever happened to Tim Conway?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Wow. Bruce and Linda." (now to Paul) "Are you like me? Do you hate 'em?"

(Paul): "I'm starting to get more and more like you."

••• [We learned last week that a cat in Brazil had been used by prisoners to smuggle in jailbreak materials from someone on the outside.] / Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Up to No Good / then: video of kittens playing ••• Catherine Zeta-Jones plugs Broken City. ••• Dave wanted Gov. Chris Christie to be on the show. He's a tremendous physical political presence. Hey, Governor Christie, come on the program, or you'd better take this "Glimpse of the Future?" / video:
(title graphic and eerie music)

(newspaper stories):

   - "Christie: "I Will Not Go on Letterman"

   - "Sharp drop in Christie's Approval Rating"

   - "New Jersey Voters: Christie 'Not a Good Sport' "

   - "Letterman: 'New Jersey Needs a New Beginning' "

   - "Christie Loses by Landslide; Political Career Over"

   - "Humbled Christie Admits: 'I Should Have Visited Dave' "

   - "Christie Takes Job as Casino Greeter"

(title graphic and eerie music)

••• Act 5: Alan does his promo over Shecky's video of owls eating mice. •••
Allison Williams plugs Girls. Brian's gorgeous daughter also tells about the Puppy Bowl, and gives us her awesome safari elephant story. (She informed the tour guide that a nearby group of elephants seemed "fussy," and was rebuffed. Moments later, they charged the jeep.) Allison graduated from Yale in 2010. (video)
••• The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/14/13 [3789]: monologue: "Do me a favor, ladies and gentlemen. Take the batteries out of the remote control, and stay awhile. You know what I'm talkin' about?" ••• monologue: "Dave reminds us that today's the 13th anniversary of his quintuple bypass, as performed by Dr. O. Wayne Isom. (Could it be that the O. in the doctor's name stands for "One Thumb?") ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to newlyweds. Dave will give 'em lots of airtime. ••• animation: It's the very familiar doctored clip of Dick Cheney's artificial heart. ••• The Golden Globes are fun for lots of attendees, as they can drink firewater during the program. / Tommy Lee Jones was caught on camera looking very sullen and unamused. / video x 2 ••• The new season of Downton Abbey began on January 6. This year will be even more exciting than the first two seasons. / PBS promo video (a rerun from Jan. 7):

(British voice-over): "Coming up on season three of Downton Abbey."

(clips): a clip from the series, a driving dog in New Zealand, more series clips, horror movie clips Shecky found, and a treadmill fail from YouTube

(British voice-over): "Downton Abbey: Check your local listings."

••• no Alan with Big Show Highlights tonight / Instead, a civilian or a staffer, outside by a newsstand, reads tonight's guests from a paper. ••• animation fun: We see Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone at the Golden Globes. Over and over, their heads magically switch bodies. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Bucks County Courier Times, Levittown, Pennsylvania: real estate listing: "Built in the early 1700s, wide plank floors, walk-in fireplace..." ($369,000, by the way)

  • The Indianapolis Star, Indianapolis (OK, not a small town): ad for an Italian restaurant Dave likes, Milano: "Open Christmas Day, 4 P.M. - 9 P.M. / Closed December 25th and 26th."

  • The Herald Tribune, Sarasota, Florida: engagement announcement for Shamp-Pemrick: "The couple relocated to Asheville after meeting two years ago near a dumpster on Fruitville Road in Sarasota."

  • The Star Herald, Presque Isle, Maine: ad for Bonanza Family Restaurant, line cook needed: "Proficiency in grilling steaks and cooking children and seafood is required."

  • The Times Union, Colonie, New York: car dealer's ad for a 2010 Jetta: "WAS $16,890 / NOW $16,890"

  • The Seabreeze News, San Leon, Texas: "FREE dog, male, light brown, looks like a Terror, Hateful little bastard, bites."

••• Top Ten Things Overheard Backstage at the Golden Globes ••• Charlie Sheen plugs Anger Management. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Phil Simms ••• José James sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/15/13 [3790]: There's lots of chatter about a nasty flu season. Do we believe there's really a shortage of flu vaccine? Have a look at this message from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. / video:

(clips): a doctor's office and vaccinations

(voice-over): "The worst flu season in a decade has left health officials concerned about vaccine shortages. To those people who have not yet been vaccinated,..."

(graphic): CDC logo

(voice-over): "... we here at the Centers for Disease Control recommend injecting yourself with 0.5 ml of root beer. Let us know how you make out! The CDC: The only missing ingredient is you!"

••• Someone has declared that NYC is our noisiest city. (60% of NYC rats suffer hearing loss.) A clip from The View explains everything. •••
Oh, no. You know the power of suggestion. After seeing the CDC clip, Dave winds up for a big one, and lets it rip. Right on cue, a group of youngsters up in the balcony (probably the new interns) work together to instantly raise a sheet of plastic, just a split second before the celebrity snot rolls in. Hmmm. Well, from the way they're wiping their faces, I think the sheet plastic may have only served to protect their laps. Somebody get that bottle of Purell® Dave keeps under his desk... pronto!
••• Oprah has taped her interview with that rascal, Lance Armstrong, who took all those 'roids so he could have speedier bike rides. Dave wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. Paul recited the catch phrase in unison with Dave, by the way. We have a clip (doctored, of course) of Lance's interview, used without permission. / video: Lance has turned into a bike helmet-wearing geezer! ••• Dave announces a new product from Kimberly-Clark, the nice people who make the snot rags. / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(clip): a miserable dude in bed, blowing his nose, then another one in the kitchen

(voice-over): "If you are one of the miserable Americans battling the flu, and Kleenex® with lotion just isn't enough..."

(new product photo)

(voice-over and happy music): "... introducing new Kleenex® with Chicken Soup! It's the healing power of delicious chicken soup, in Kleenex® form!"

(clip): dude pulls out a messy, soup-treated tissue

(Dude): "Ahhhh. Much better!"

(graphic and voice-over): "Kleenex® with Chicken Soup. In your grocer's wet paper goods aisle."

••• no Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / Paul Shaffer does it for him. •••
desk chat: Dave has an amusing discussion on the ethics of doping. It's illegal in sports, sure, but what about talk show hosts? Also, what would be more entertaining than a baseball player who hits a home run every time at bat? "And if it takes a managed program of steroid abuse, what do we care?! And for that matter, no one cares about the world of cycling, anyway. Who cares?"
••• Top Ten Other Lance Armstrong Revelations •••
Jennifer Lawrence plugs Silver Linings Playbook. I really enjoyed her segment. She's 22, and now has her second Academy Award nomination. She was a funny and agreeable guest, and also much more ornery than the average guest. She's a little bit sick, and early on she kind of horked up something. Cool. Dave asks Jennifer what drew her to acting. She reports that she was a pathological liar as a kid. She once claimed she was going to get her legs amputated. She claimed her dad drove a barge, and the family was millionaires. Not enough? She claimed she spayed cats and dogs on the weekends! (video)
•••
Here's a brand new segment: "Match & Win Lucky Temperature" / Cut to Alan Kalter, who looks like he's several months past death. He takes a digital thermometer from his mouth, and announces that the "Match and Win" temperature tonight is 103.5° F. Alan doesn't know what we have for home viewers who match his temperature, so Dave reports that it's an electric hedge trimmer. The CBSO has a peppy theme song. (video)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan (no Alan / Chryron crawl) ••• Alan Zweibel plugs his book, Lunatics, which is going to be made into a movie. ••• A$AP Rocky (seated in a throne) sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/16/13 [3791]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a group from Norman, Oklahoma. ••• At the end of the year we all worried about the fiscal cliff. Now it's the real deal: the debt ceiling. CNN's here to help. / video (a verbatim repeat from 1/08/13):

(title graphic and Freeplay music: "Need to Know"

(photo): the U. S. Capitol

(voice-over): "In the coming weeks, Congress will once again grapple with America's spiraling national debt, currently around $16 trillion. The exact figure is calculated constantly by the National Debt Clock," (action photo) "...an ultra-sophisticated computer connected to a vast network of financial data sources. Costing nearly $4 billion per day to operate, the National Debt Clock is the cause of most of the national debt."

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "More news after this."

••• Oprah has taped her interview with that rascal, Lance Armstrong, who took all those 'roids so he could have speedier bike rides. We have a clip (doctored, of course) of Lance's interview, used without permission. / video: Lance has turned into a bike helmet-wearing geezer! (This is a verbatim repeat from 1/15/13.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / We only see Alan's lectern. Eventually Alan crouches down so we can see him say, "Sorry. Camera guy went home with the flu." ••• out of commercial: Dave gives a shout out to Tom "Bones" Malone, who's playing a Rhythm Tech shaker. Those babies sell for about $9.

••• Super Bowl XLVII will air on CBS. / "Super Bowl Fun Facts" /

- Approximately one third of Americans bet on the Super Bowl.

- 1.25 billion chicken wings were consumed during last year's Super Bowl.

- The Minnesota Vikings have been in four Super Bowls, and have never held the lead.

- Super Bowl II was actually a rerun of Super Bowl I.

- Fran Tarkenton holds the record for most Super Bowl appearances with a woman's name.

- After winning Super Bowl XXXVI, New England coach Bill Belichick was doused with a piping-hot tub of clam chowder.

- No referee has ever won the Super Bowl.

- On Super Bowl Sunday, the average American gains 27 pounds.

- Steve Young is the only Super Bowl MVP to share a name with a Late Show writer. / split screen: QB Steve Young and Mr. CelebriGum, Steve Young

- John Elway is the only player in NFL history to win a Super Bowl MVP, and a Daytime Super Bowl MVP.

- The pregame show for next year's Super Bowl has already begun.

- At halftime of Super Bowl I, Vince Lombardi entertained the crowd by dropping his pants and firing a rocket.

- Last year on television, Super Bowl was beaten in the ratings by reruns of Storage Wars Texas.

- Weeb Ewbank is the only Super Bowl coach to be enshrined in the Football Hall of Weebs.

••• Top Ten Words That Kind of Sound Like "Achoo" / #1: Kardashian ••• Kim and Kourtney Kardashian ••• Dr. Arnold Scanlon, head of the Centers for Disease Control, addresses the current flu season. Dr. Scanlon says,

"Thank you, Mr. Letterman. Yes, it's a bad year for the flu, but there's no cause for alarm. We suggest getting the vaccine, if you haven't already. And if you do get the flu, stay home and follow your doctor's advice, and you'll be fine. I'd like to take this moment to speak directly to the flu virus itself."
"You think you're smart? You're not smart. We know who you are... and we're gonna catch you, and put you in a whole world of hurt. And don't try to tell us, 'Oh, I'm just a little random mutation. It's not my fault.' You know exactly what you're doing. We're comin' after you, Sally. Mark... my... words."
(Smiling) "Thanks for havin' me, Dave!" (video)
••• Act 5: no audience pan / no Alan / outside cam: Civilians behind barricades hold cue cards with tomorrow's guests. ••• Buddy Guy has a fascinating and inspiring interview with Dave. He goes way back with the show. My logs show him sitting in with Paul and the band in May 1989, when a week of shows originated from Chicago. ••• Buddy and his band play. ••• Dave calls for an encore as short credits roll.

1/17/13 [3792]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Rhonda? from Orange County, California. ••• The North American International Auto Show is underway in Detroit. After the auto show, there's more big excitement. / video:

(clips from the NAIAS, with shiny new cars rotating on giant turntables)

(voice-over): "It's the North American International Auto Show in Detroit! Catch all the latest sports cars, SUVs, luxury cars and concept vehicles. And... next month... don't miss the Detroit Giant Turntable Show!"

(clip): giant auto turntable

(voice-over): "Detroit: We're back!"

••• The cold and flu season is big this year, and New York State is on it. Here's the latest from Governor Cuomo. / video:
(clips): city scene, and a doctor's office

(voice-over): "Attention New Yorkers: Despite providing more access than ever to flu immunizations, thousands of new cases are being reported every day. That's why we're administering complimentary topical analgesic treatment, in the form of city-wide Vicks Vaporub® distribution."

(roof cam): Two stagehands dump the contents of a large bucket o' Vicks® off the roof.

(sidewalk cam): The soothing medication lands squarely on top of Paul's assistant, Dan Fetter, who was smiling as he read a text message while strolling down the 53rd Street sidewalk. While shocked at first by the untidiness of it all, once he smells the familiar Vicks® aroma, he's delighted to know that he'll soon be as good as new.

(voice-over): "In regular and lemon."

(clip): aerial view of the city

(voice-over): "New York: 'Breathe In Your Tax Dollars At Work.' "

••• Barack Obama will be inaugurated on Monday (with two Bibles, so nobody thinks he's a Muslim). / "The Late Show Inauguration Preview" / video:
(title graphic and action-adventure movie fanfare)

(black screen and Chyron roll, with voice-over): "This comedy piece could not be completed because the Late Show's writers, editors and graphic artists are all out sick with the flu. Instead, please enjoy this video of singing legend Pat Boone."

(clip from Music City Tonight): Pat Boone's trying to twirl a rope around himself. (FAIL)

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'The Late Show Inauguration Preview.' "

•••
monologue: Dave's been fascinated this week with the report that a Revolutionary War-era cannon (that was on public display for years in Central Park), is loaded and ready for action. "It's loaded, full of powder... ready to go. Well, so much for 'see something, say something!' " Dave continues, "It's a loose cannon. It was loaded... a loose cannon, loaded and full of powder, and I said, 'Well, uhh, isn't that Charlie Sheen? Isn't that who we're talkin' about?' "
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: CBS will be carrying Super Bowl XLVII. Harold Larkin and another gent bring in a green screen behind him for an action-packed promo. It goes something like this:
(Dave): "Hi! Eli-Payton-RGIII-Dave here, reminding you to huddle up around the TV for Super Bowl XLVII on CBS, February 3rd. Yeah, the Tiffany Network is now the Pigskin Network! Super Sunday? No no no no no. More like Super Funday!"

(Alan): Super Bowl XLVII, only on CBS!"

••• [Notre Dame's Heisman candidate, Manti Te'o, apparently was duped into thinking he had an Internet girlfriend (who he never met), and later, that she kicked the bucket. It's the talk of the sports world today.] / Top Ten Signs You Have an Imaginary Girlfriend ••• Jeremy Renner plugs Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters. •••

Jungle Jack Hanna has a 15-minute segment. (video)

1. anteater

2. South American Sierema bird: It kills prey like lizards by slamming them on a rock. Jack can watch it for hours!

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Jack Hanna

3. a young, bottle-fed lion and a pug dog that were raised together

4. long-beaked echidna: It instinctively tries to hide in the dark. With its quills, it looks like a porcupine.

5. python (that had to be carried in by three zookeepers)

••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/18/13 [3793]: monologue:

"Like doctors, when you were a kid... 'Oh, yeah... they know what they're doin.' And the older you get, 'Ahh, I don't know.' I go to the doctor today, because I'm thinkin' I'm gettin' the flu. I don't want to be dumb about this. The first thing he does, he puts me... he said, 'Get on the scales.' I said, 'Honest to God, how much could the flu weigh?' And then I said, 'I think maybe I need an MRI,' and he said, 'You know, we're alone. You don't need to spell.' True story!"
••• Out of the blue of the western sky, it's time for "A Message from Jaymar® Slacks." / ancient, low-quality video:
(clips): guys in pants

(voice-over): "Only Jaymar® makes slacks with the exclusive Sansabelt waistband, in all the fall fashions you've been looking for, to keep you feeling comfortable and looking great!"

(jingle): "You're livin' a dream in Jaymar® Sansabelt."

(voice-over): "In carefree fabrics, like Trevira® polyester. Jaymar® Sansabelt slacks are at these, and 5,000 other fine stores. Jaymar-Ruby, Michigan City, Indiana."

••• This year, at the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, they have a hologram of a great person (for example, like a great past performer on the Ed Sullivan Theater stage, Tessie O'Shea). Anyway, there's a hologram of Thomas Edison at the auto show. / video:
The Edison hologram is gigantic. First, we see Thomas squish a new SUV with his left foot. He then exhales a huge flame, incinerating another vehicle. Then the cranky old bastard picks up a vehicle and throws it across the room.

(FX): vehicle security alarms going off

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who scored a Late Show sweatshirt. ••• "Great Moments in Inauguration Addresses" / video:
(title graphic and sappy music)

(voice-over): "Ronald Reagan"

(Ronald Reagan): "No weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."

(voice-over): "Bill Clinton"

(Bill Clinton): "Let us resolve to reform our politics, so power and privilege no longer shout down the voice of the people."

(voice-over): "George W. Bush"

(George W. Bush): "Are you having burritos for lunch?"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter (or is it Alec Karter?) with Big Show Highlights •••
(Dave): "You know, folks, before we go too much farther in the program, I think now'd be a good time to check in with our friends, Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Kids... take it away!" (video)

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Monday is the presidential inauguration, and to get you in a patriotic frame of mind, our own Wink Wilson will take you on a tour of the Presidential Hat Museum. They have at least one hat worn by each of our presidents."

(Bruce, saluting): "Hail to the Chief! There's even more excitement next week, Linda. Wednesday is National Pie Day, and we'll have an early celebration in the Cookery Nook. Some talented ladies from Friendship Village Retirement Center will bring in their signature pies, and you and I will choose our favorite."

(Linda): "Yum! Eating pie on the job! Are we working hard, or hardly working?"

(Bruce): "Ha ha ha."

(Linda): "We're also kicking off our 'Bird Is the Word' segment, and introducing new Weekend Late Show ornithologist, Bob Blatts."

(Bruce): "All that, plus outsmarting your game warden, lip balm for men and 'When should you let the other guy be the good samaritan?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much. Bruce and Linda, ladies and gentlemen!"

(Dave, to Paul): "God, they're awful! Don't you hate 'em?"

(Paul): "Oh, I love 'em!"

(Dave): "Oh, they're just horrible! That one guy has done time... that Bruce. You can tell by lookin' at the guy."

••• [A survey in Travel and Leisure magazine reports that New York City is the noisiest city in the world.] / Here's a special audio Top Ten New York City Noises. (video) ••• Dave's disappointed that Kevin Bacon's new show is on another network. He asks Tony Mendez to doctor the cue card, so he can claim Kevin's on CBS. Tony's on it in a flash. ••• Kevin Bacon plugs The Following on CBS. ••• "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" (starring receptionist Art Kelly) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Brian Kiley does stand-up. (This was the best stand-up we've seen on the show in a long time.) ••• The Amazing sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/21/13: REPEAT FROM 12/13/12

1/22/13: REPEAT FROM 12/10/12

1/23/13: REPEAT FROM 1/07/13

1/24/13: REPEAT FROM 10/29/12

1/25/13: REPEAT FROM 11/12/12

1/28/13 [3794]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Australians. ••• "NFL Films Make Everything More Exciting" / video:

(title graphic)

(clip): sewing

(voice-over): "Linda folds the fabric of her pants to the desired length. She cuts excess fabric with pinking shears. She puts the needle under the folded hem, pulls through and makes zigzag stitches every quarter inch. And that is how Linda hems pants. This has been 'NFL Films Make Everything More Exciting.' "

••• [Steve Kroft of CBS interviewed Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton on 60 Minutes for 30 minutes last night. Erik Wemple of The Washington Post called the interview "soft as premium tissue."] / video:
(Kroft, to Clinton and Obama): "Why did you want to do this together... a joint interview?"

(shot of Obama and Clinton): no words... just meaningful looks and porno music

(Kroft): "Thank you very much."

(President Obama): "Alright."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Learn how you can make millions of dollars overnight, buying and selling used commercial kitchen equipment!" (Sorry, a page from another gig of Alan's got mixed in here.) ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave can't pretend to be excited about the Super Bowl. He likes the Colts and the teams with Mannings. Dave doesn't think the Harbaugh family will watch.

  2. Postage went up today (unless you have Forever stamps). Dave shows a latest money-making stunt by the USPS: a $1,000,000,000,000 stamp. Then he shows us a $1,000,000,000,000.98 airmail stamp.
••• Dave turns over the program to cue card virtuoso Tony Mendez. (Dave claims Tony's 80, but he's a very young 67.) Tony presents Noticias Actuales in Spanish. /
Tony (English translation): "Thank you, Savannah. A very good evening to you. I'm Tony Mendez, here with the Current News. This weekend the San Francisco 49ers will face off against the Baltimore Ravens, but more importantly the halftime show will reunite Destiny's Child. Bootylicious! And now, weatherman Rainy Mendoza."

(Tony, as Rainy): just points at a U. S. map

(Tony, as Tony): "The baby is not Eduardo's! I'm Tony Mendez; goodbye and goodbye."

(Tony, to Dave): "Back to you, loud-mouthed jerk."

••• [Iran claimed earlier today that they had sent a monkey into space and back.] / Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Sending Your Monkey into Space ••• into commercial: Tony Mendez plays with a confetti popgun. ••• Melissa McCarthy plugs Identity Thief. ••• desk chat: Dave rambles on about something involving Bud Selig and a baseball rule change. Something catches his attention. He goes over and takes the temperature of the floor camera. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan Kalter thinks he's flying on the boom camera used for the pan. The show is going to get him some therapy. ••• David Morrissey plugs The Walking Dead. ••• David Byrne & St. Vincent perform some song that is not worth mentioning. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with short credits: Tony Mendez as a weatherman

1/29/13 [3795]: Sometimes people only watch the Super Bowl to see the commercials. Coca Cola® called Dave to ask if he could show one of theirs. / video:

(clip): young adults outdoors on a summer day, and a guy mowing

(clip): A girl rolls a can of Diet Coke® down a hill toward the mowing guy.

(off-camera): We hear a crunch. The mowing guy screams bloody murder. The babes uphill from him stare at him in shock. (We're not being told he's OK.)

(voice-over): "Every year, more than 2,000 people are injured by flying debris propelled by lawnmower blades. Please mow responsibly. A safety reminder from Diet Coke® and OSHA."

(me): I kind of think I missed the joke here. This is a spoof on something I haven't seen.

••• "Cool / Not Cool" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): President Obama is hosting the Miami Heat at the White House: "This is the first trip for some of these players, but a few of them were here a couple of years ago for a pick-up game on my birthday."

(graphic): "COOL" (and the Late Show "yes" bell)

(clip): George W. Bush drops a basketball, which refuses to bounce at all.

(graphic): "NOT COOL" (and the Late Show "no" buzzer)

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• "John Kerry Confirmation Highlights" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(John Kerry): "Mr. Chairman, uh, ranking member Corker and members of the committee, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, and uh, uh, and, and, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh."

(Senator Menendez): "And with that, with the thanks of the committee, this hearing is adjourned."

(This is what was called for a time the Late Show Unfair Edit. Mr. Kerry's delivery was possibly a bit smoother than portrayed by the edits, represented by all those commas.)
(title graphic)
••• [WWSB-TV ABC 7 reporter Linda Carson is inside the goat pen at the Manatee County Fair in Palmetto, Florida.] / "Linda, How Long Will the Goats Be at the Fair?" / video:
(clip): Linda Carson, in a pen with some goats

(Ms. Carson): "... two, one. The judging is complete, so come on out and meet the winners." (pets a goat's head) "The goats will be here through Saturday, and they're very friendly! From the Manatee County Fair, Linda Carson, ABC 7..." (She leans down to the recently-petted goat's level, then addresses said goat.) "Would you not eat my pants?"

(allegedly-friendly goat head-butts Linda, who screams and falls backward, laughing)

(YouTube video)

(Dave): "I'm being told she's OK."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "A Special Hello to All Iranian Monkeys Watching Tonight from Space!" ••• Dave's shout out: "The great Paul Shaffer and the Paul Shaffer Musical Wonderboys Orchestra, America's mighty, mighty party and show band" ••• (Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage.) / interruption: "Origami Challenge." /
(FX): siren and flashing studio lights

(Alan Kalter): "Dave, that siren tells us it's time for tonight's 'Origami Challenge.' "

(CBSO): "Origami Challenge" theme song (quite brief, by the way)

(Dave): "What are you talkin' about?"

(Alan): "Dave, you'll get one sheet of origami paper, and 30 seconds to create tonight's challenge project!"

(Pat Farmer delivers the paper.)

(Dave): "I don't wanna do this."

(Alan): "A crab!"

(FX): Late Show "yes" bell

(Dave): "No."

(Alan): "Get going, Dave. You have 30 seconds!"

(FX): We see the hands of another man, obviously an origami expert, deftly folding the paper.

(CBSO): game show music    (edit: Mike McIntee says the music is "Sabre Dance."

(Dave just beats the buzzer at :00.): "OK!"

(Dave holds up the project.) "That was crazy! What do you think!"

(Alan): "Oh, I'm sorry, Dave."

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(Alan): "No, no no. The challenge project was a crab... not a frog! You did not win the jet ski. Good try, Dave. We'll see you next time on 'Origami Challenge.' "

••• Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Has Gotten Rusty ••• Sylvester Stallone plugs Bullet to the Head, in a very entertaining and amusing interview. (video) ••• Al Gore plugs a new book, The Future, in multiple segments. (Don't get me started about him.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Did You Know?" (The last "Did You Know?" was on 12/19/12.) ••• more Al Gore ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/30/13 [3796]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Queens. She was writing notes during the preshow questions. ••• monologue:

"Well, if you're keepin track, it's Super Bowl XLVII... XLVII. By the way, it's the size underpants worn by Chris Christie."
••• "Discontinued Academy Awards Categories" / video:
(title graphic and Oscars-style fanfare)

(voice-over): "In 1968, the winner for Best Picture Featuring Two Guys Eating Soup was The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

(clip): Lee Van Cleef and Eli Wallach eating soup, while staring each other down

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Discontinued Academy Awards Categories.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Pat Farmer brings two young kids onstage. He's giving them a tour.
(Pat): "That's Dave's desk. That's where Dave sits. The guests are over there. It's Paul and the band over here. See all the cameras, and you've got a lot of people backstage."

(Dave): "Hi, Pat."

(Pat): "Hello, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen. Nice to have you with us."

(Pat): "And, uh, this is Dave."

(Dave, interrupting): "Well, Pat... I'm sorry. What... what's goin' on here?"

(Pat): "Oh... my grandmother's watching the show tonight, Dave. She hasn't seen my kids in a while, so I thought I'd bring 'em out."

(Pat, to the camera): "Look how big they're gettin'! It's crazy, isn't it?"

(Dave): "Hi, kids! Well, Pat, it's great to see you and the kids, and my best to your grandmother. But, you know, we're right in the middle... maybe we can do this a little later."

(Pat, exiting): "Alright. Come on, kids."

(Pat turns back to Dave): "Don't ever yell at me again in front of my family."

(Dave, muttering to himself): "I don't think I really yelled at anybody. His grandmother has gotta be close to 150!"

••• "Iranian Science Breakthroughs" / video:
(title graphic and action-adventure music)

(clips): rocket, rocket launch and a monkey astronaut strapped to a seat

(the usual Arab voice-over): "First, Iranian scientists successfully launched a monkey into space. And today, they put an astronaut in a zoo."

(zoo clip): an astronaut (in spacesuit) near an elephant: "Hello? Helloooo?"

(Arab voice-over): "This has been 'Iranian Science Breakthroughs.' "

(title graphic)

••• It's Dick "Kaboom" Cheney's 72nd birthday. Will does his Dick Cheney's Castle scream. ••• [Someone has called out Subway® for having 11.5-inch "foot long" sandwiches.] / video:
(graphic): Subway® logo

(female voice-over): "We here at Subway® admit that we can no longer refer to our sandwiches as 'foot long,' when they actually measure less than 12 inches."

(animation): Subway® sandwich measuring in at 10.5 inches.

(female voice-over): "In addition, our lawyers now inform us that we can no longer refer to this menu item as 'meat' balls."

(logo): "Subway®: eat 'fresh.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I took too much cold medicine, and now I just think everything's terrific!" ••• desk chat:

Dave announces Elvis Presley Tribute Week next week. Here's the line-up:

  • "Jailhouse Rock"
  • "Hound Dog"
  • "I Can't Help Falling in Love"
  • "If I Can Dream"
  • "Suspicious Minds"
••• outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert /
In view of Subway's difficulties this week, Dave wants to visit with Rupert Jee, to see how he has handled the foot-long ad controversy... especially since he's offering the Foot Long Mega Dog (loaded with cheese, chili, mustard, French Fries, onion, lettuce and tomato. That deli delight goes for a mere $4.95. Or, for the truly adventurous, there's its first cousin, the Super Mega Dog w/ Bacon, for just $5.95. We all know Rupert always give you a square deal, but just for fun, Dave asks Rupert to put a ruler to the dog, to show just how lengthy the thing is. The verdict? It's 8 inches long. You heard me. It's 8 inches. Dave can't have this kind of scandal going on next door. He persuades Rupert to change his sign outside. / after commercial: We drop by Hello Deli again for a moment... long enough for Rupert to make his case that the eight-inch wiener is "nice and thick." (video)

(I can't find the Foot Long Mega Dog on Rupert's Menu. Can you?)

(Edit: How did I not mention this? Just after Dave begins his visit with Rupert, he tells him about Elvis Tribute Week. The first thing we know, Dave's singing "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You." Let's see an impersonator top that next week.)

••• Top Ten Changes at CNN •••
Jason Bateman plugs Identity Thief. He always has good stories. I was in the audience for one of his appearances. (Edit: I gathered early on in the interview that there had been a restart. Jason kept mentioning how thin one of his daughters is. He must have referred to her as chubby in the first start. The Wahoo Gazette has confirmed that Jason's misstep, along with Dave having named his film as Identify Theft, led to the decision to bring him out for a fresh start.)
••• interruption: We see a lengthy promo (using several Late Show staff) for a new season, including numerous plots to kill Dave. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Alison Brie plugs Community. ••• Shovels & Rope sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

SWEEPS MONTH, JANUARY 31 - FEBRUARY 27, 2013

1/31/13 [3797]: Tonight's audience shout out is to people from Utah. ••• CBS has gone crazy promoting the Super Bowl. / video:

(clip): pan of a pro stadium

(voice-over): "This Sunday on CBS, it's Super Bowl XLVII... the Baltimore Ravens versus the San Francisco 49ers."

(FX): The stadium pan speeds up.

(voice-over): "Get inside the action with thrilling, dizzying camera shots. Sponsored by Dramamine®, the leading over-the-counter remedy for nausea and motion sickness. Super Bowl XLVII. Only on CBS!"

••• interruption: Dave begins telling about his planned Super Bowl party, but begins stammering. "Uh, uh, uh." Is this a senior moment?
(Dave, to Tony Mendez): "Tony... I'm sorry. What is that, Tony?"

(cut to Tony, holding cue cards printed with Chinese characters.

(Dave): "Tony?"

(Tony, shocked): "Dios mio! The Chinese hackers have taken over the cue cards!"

(CBSO): Tony's theme (as Tony runs off the stage)

••• "Discontinued Academy Awards Categories" / video:
(title graphic and Oscars-style fanfare)

(voice-over): "In 1957, the winner for Best Picture Featuring an Old Man Getting Hit in the Face with Crumpled Paper was 12 Angry Men.

(jury room clip): One male juror is laying down. He tosses a crumpled piece of paper at a fan. The paper ricochets off the fan and hits another juror in the face.

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Discontinued Academy Awards Categories.' "

(title graphic)

••• Manti Te'o was tricked into thinking he had an Internet girlfriend. The rascal that perpetrated this hoax is Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, which brings us to the premiere of "Ronaiah Tuiasosopo Mispronunciation Roundup." / video: We get 17 mispronunciations and one "what's his name." Really? It's easy to pronounce, at least once you've heard it correctly. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "It recently occurred to me that raisin bread is weird. I mean, it's bread full of shriveled-up grapes. I'm sorry, I really should save this stuff for my therapist." ••• "Paul Shaffer and Your Merry Musical Melodymakers," says Dave. ••• "Charts and Graphs" /

The biggest issue facing our country today?
   56% poor economy   43% national debt   1% beverages greater than 16 ounces

Super Bowl fans' ability to understand Roman numerals?
   XVI% very strong   MCXTQQQ% poor

With whom do you plan to watch this year's Super Bowl?
   56% friends   43% family   1% my imaginary girlfriend

Qualities people look for in their imaginary girlfriends?
   52% gets along with my family   31% shares my values   17% willing to raise our imaginary kids Jewish

Things to say when someone sneezes?
   33% "Bless you!"   33% "Gesundheit."   34% "You ruined my soup!"

Projections of rising sea levels due to global warming?
   2013: good U. S. map   2030: bad U. S. map   2045: "We're screwed!"

New York City high school students' favorite subjects?
   32% biology   46% English   89% mathematics

How Americans observe their 90th birthday?
   16% gathering with family and friends   84% resting quietly underground

Who is your favorite make-believe president?
   22% Daniel Day-Lewis   18% Martin Sheen   60% George W. Bush

How do you predict "Charts and Graphs" will conclude?
   12% hilarious remark   9% insightful, satiric observation   79% cheap joke about Chris Christie eating a pie chart

••• Top Ten Words That Kind of Sound Like Harbaugh •••

Al Pacino plugs Stand Up Guys. He seems easily distracted. It could be that other guests are equally distracted, but Al sees fit to provide play-by-play... sort of a stream of consciousness about his guest appearance. For example, he complains that he can't see the audience. Normally, guests only complain about the low temperature. It isn't long before Al starts playing with a tie, I think, wrapping it around his unruly hair in several different configurations. Dave wants commentary from Al for his many movie roles. This draws a lot of interesting information, not to mention commentary on directors and fellow actors. Eventually Dave asks about Johnny Depp's impression of him. Al likes it very much. Then Dave asks about Kevin Spacey's impression of him. Al bluntly says it's not very good. Dave then calls Kevin Spacey from backstage to sit next to Al and do the impression, which I thought was tremendous. This guest appearance will draw a lot of attention from celebrity and movie sites.
••• Act 5: There's no audience for the usual pan. They went home. ••• more Al Pacino ••• Macklemore & Ryan Lewis sing. These guys seriously need to find other work. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/01/13 [3798]: DAVE'S 31st ANNIVERSARY ON LATE NIGHT TELEVISION ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy with an NFL team scarf. ••• Jeff Zucker's at CNN now, and there are lots of changes. / video:

(graphic): CNN logo

(James Earl Jones voice-over): "This... is CNN."

(James Earl Jones, Top Ten Effects of Y2K, 12/31/99): "Stuff's gonna 'splode!"

••• Dave announces that tonight is his (and Paul's, and Will Lee's) 31st anniversary on late night television. Dave hopes to continue doing the show until it's sad. ••• Here's more strangeness from CNN. / video:
Where do I even start? We hear the familiar voice of Wolf Blitzer. In fact, we see him from spectacles up. What on earth else is going on? In the corner of the screen, a girl's playing Plinko. There's a babe in a bikini on an ocean beach in the upper right. Clips are coming and going fast. There's Joe Theismann whining about his prostate. We see yellow Labrador retriever puppies. Tim Tebow replaces Bikini Babe. Al Roker confesses to sharting in the White House (or, as our friend Marilyn Sargent now calls it, Rokering himself). "Not horribly," Al continues. You know what Al Roker needed? Horsey Dipe. Oh! I almost missed it. It's Barney Frank's hooters! Finally, a little girl accidentally nails a guy in the 'nads with a baseball bat. / CNN logo
••• Obama's all about gun control, but he wants us to know he's still cool. He claims he goes skeet shooting all the time. (Who thought up the name skeet, anyway?) / video:
(clip): The White House lawn

(the president on the lawn): "Pull."

(animation): The clay thing is launched. Instantly, a drone appears and shoots its photon torpedoes or whatever at the clay thing. That's how they do gun control at the White House.

••• Here's more from CNN. / video:
(graphic): CNN logo

(James Earl Jones voice-over): "This... is CNN."

(James Earl Jones, Top Ten Effects of Y2K, 12/31/99): "Kraft® Macaroni & Cheese will become even cheesier!"

••• In honor of the anniversary, it's Dave's on-air colonoscopy (the cave exploring movie scene). / video ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Meaningless Super Bowl Themed Insult": "Hey, Romans! Nice numerals." ••• Dave announces that Mr. Paul Shaffer will guest star (as himself) on the Feb. 4 episode of How I Met Your Mother. ••• Bruce and Linda preview tomorrow's Weekend Late Show. /
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, before we get too far down the road of happiness, let's check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show. Kids..."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. It's Super Bowl Weekend, and we're getting the tailgate party started early on the Weekend Late Show. Dick Gunderson, author of the book Nacho Fast, will teach us how to assemble a few of the more than 1,500 nacho variations he's created."

(Bruce): "He's a genius! Tomorrow is also Groundhog Day, but Punxsutawney Phil has nothing on us. Uncle Mike Sullivan, our AccuWeather meteorologist (he just got certified), will check in on our own groundhog for this year's early spring prediction."

(Linda): "How fun! Also, if you're interested in getting a good deal on a jet ski, February is the month to buy. We'll visit a nearby dealer to look at steals on 2012 models. It'll be summer before we know it!"

(Bruce): "All that, plus off-brand energy drinks, Fun with Carbon Paper and 'which number on a roulette wheel comes up the most?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you, Bruce. Thank you, Linda."

(Dave, to Paul): "Boy, they're hateful. Aren't they?"

(Paul): "Hateful! They work for you!"

••• desk chat: Dave tells Paul he was visiting with Cardinal Dolan the other day.
(Cardinal Dolan): "Dave, how long do you want to do the show?"

(Dave): "Cardinal, until it's sad."

••• Top Ten Ignored NYC Street Signs (complete with photos of the signs in action)

••• Kevin Spacey plugs House of Cards, an entire series that is being produced and released all at once by Netflix. Kevin does his awesome Johnny Carson impression, and he reprises his Al Pacino impression from last night's episode. (video) •••

[We've of course all heard about Paul the octopus from Germany, who could predict the outcome of soccer games. Paul croaked on October 26, 2010.] The scrim rises. We see the cooking demo table. Tonight, right here on our stage, is Curtis the Schefflera, a four-year-old potted plant from Manhasset, Long Island, who will predict the outcome of the Super Bowl. On either end of the cooking table is a plate of Scott's Miracle-Gro® Plant Food. Curtis, by eating one plate of plant food or another, will predict the outcome of the game. Then we can run and place bets. Leaves start to shake, but on both sides of Curtis. Dave hollers over to the area. He says, "Alright, just pull on the other monofilament." The next thing we know, Curtis has fallen on his side (and he almost rolled off the table). Going into a commercial break, the floor camera operator scoots over to the area to show the stage hand hiding under Curtis's table.]
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a promo for Elvis Tribute Week ••• Nick Griffin does stand-up. ••• Emeli Sandé sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

ELVIS TRIBUTE WEEK, FEBRUARY 4 - 8, 2013

2/04/13 [3799]: Did someone get a little long-winded with the pre-show question? Dave asks that in the future, audience members confine their questions to the same decade. ••• monologue: "But listen to this: the power outage during the Super Bowl lasted XXXIV minutes." ••• [The 2014 Super Bowl is coming to New York & New Jersey, to be played in the MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford.] / "Mayor Bloomberg: Super Bowl Enthusiast" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(Mayor Bloomberg): "As everyone knows, New York is the Big Apple, and 12 months from now, it will be the Big Pigskin, as well."

(title graphic)

••• "Super Bowl Commercial Recap" / video:
(title graphic)

(clips and voice-overs)

  • (bearded guy) / "Dumb guy."

  • (bikini babe for "Axe Apollo") / "Hot chick."

  • (guy with family outside, Kaley Cuoco as genie, Toyota RAV4 "Wish Granted") / "Dumb guy."

  • (guy in tiger handcuffs, Gildan®) / "Dumb guy."

  • (babe in bikini) / "Hot chick."

  • (guy in FD shirt) / "Dumb guy."

  • (talking baby) / "Talking baby."

  • (squirrels) / "Talking squirrel."

  • (guy with Joe Montana stain, Tide Miracle Stain®) / "Dumb guy."

  • (blonde babe outside) / "Hot chick."

  • (girl in laundry thinks guy is swiping her yellow panties, Speed Stick®) / "Dumb guy and hot chick."

  • (guy pouring milk on his head) / "Dumb guy."

  • (geezer getting huge tattoo on his back) / "Naked old people."

  • (bearded guy in bridal outfit) / "Dumb guy."

  • ("Goat 4 Sale," Doritos®) / "Goat."

  • (babe in bathtub) / "Hot chick."

  • (robot redhead babe, Kia Forte®) / "Robot hot chick."

  • (Psy, "Crackin' Gangnam Style," for Wonderful Pistachios®) / "Guy everyone's tired of."

  • ("Space Babies," Kia®) / "Dumb guy."

  • (hot brunette babe on beach) / "Hot chick."

  • (Bar Refaeli making out with hideous nerd, GoDaddy, "Perfect Match") / "Dear God, make it stop!"
(title graphic)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "New Jersey is my favorite of all the Jerseys." ••• Super Bowl XLVII MVP Joe Flacco of the Baltimore Ravens ••• desk chat: Dave would just like to point out that all that's taken place on the Late Show in the past year, Chris Christie is actually here. •••
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is an exceptionally good-natured guest. He says he watches the Late Show all the time, and collects his favorite jokes about him. The segment lasts 22 minutes. At 49 seconds in, the governor breaks out a donut. "I didn't know this was going to be this long," he says. Before I forget, let's add a link for New Jersey Hurricane Sandy Relief. I thought the majority of the segment would be about Hurricane Sandy, and a great deal of it was, but first there was a good long discussion about Dave's fat jokes. The governor insists that he's fine with them, as long as they're funny. Dave asks for a reading on how many are funny. "About 40%," the governor replies. The governor won't give an answer on whether he'll run for president in 2016, but he makes a case for politicians talking to each other and getting something done. (video)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: a plug for New Jersey Hurricane Sandy Relief ••• more Chris Christie ••• Cody Ray Slaughter is the first of five Elvis Tribute acts this week. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/05/13 [3800]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a guy who knows one of Dave's sisters. It didn't amount to much. ••• Winning Super Bowl quarterback Joe Flacco was here last night. What about the losing quarterback?

(clips): victory celebration

(voice-over): "Yesterday, after the Super Bowl, Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco led a parade at Disney World, and appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman..."

(clip): Colin Kaepernick during the game

(voice-over): "...while Colin Kaepernick, keeping with Super Bowl tradition, cleaned up the Super Dome confetti."

(animation): Kaepernick vacuuming the field

(voice-over): "This message brought to you by Hoover®. It beats. It sweeps. It cleans."

••• interruption: It's a promo for Elvis Tribute Week.
(FX): An Elvis wig appears on Dave's head.

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "It's Elvis Tribute Week on the Late Show! All week, the world's best Elvis tribute artists. It's now or never, little sister. You'll be all shook up, and you won't want to return to sender. Clambake!"

(Dave, to the control room): "Get it off me!"

••• The Pakistanis have the genius idea to build an amusement park in Abbottabad. / (clip): junior-high girls screaming in the balcony (x 4) ••• interruption: Pat Farmer strolls onstage with a ladder.
(Dave): "Oh, hi, Pat. How are you?"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen... one of our stagehands. Pat, how're ya doin'?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave."

(Dave): "Nice to see you. May I help you with something, Pat?"

(Pat): "Yes, Dave. The guys backstage said you needed a ladder."

(Dave, after a pause): "Uh, Pat, I don't need a ladder."

(Pat): "They said you'd say that."

(Dave): "Mm hmm. I'm serious. I really don't need a ladder. I'm sorry."

(Pat): "They said you'd say that, too."

(Dave): "Uh, Pat, you know what's happened here is... uhh... I think somebody backstage is playin' a little joke on you."

(Pat): "This is really embarrassing. And on my birthday, too."

(Dave): "On your birthday?"

(Pat): "On my birthday, Dave."

(audience): "Awwwww."

(Dave): "Aw, I'm sorry to hear that. You know what? This is your birthday. You go ahead and keep the ladder!"

(Pat): "Thanks, Dave. Things are really turnin' around now."

(Dave): "Attaboy!"

••• "Presidential Grammy Winners" / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(voice-over): "Bill Clinton won for Best Spoken Word Album, for My Life."

(Clinton): "Indeed a strong case can be made that I rose to the presidency on the shoulders of my personal friends."

(voice-over): "Barack Obama won for Best Spoken Word Album, for Dreams from My Father."

(Obama): "What is a family? Is it just a genetic chain, or is it a social construct?"

(voice-over): "And Franklin Delano Roosevelt won for Best R & B Performance."

(Roosevelt, at an inaugural address): speaks the lyrics of "Brick House"

(voice-over): "This concludes 'Presidential Grammy Winners.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Gridlock Alert": "Traffic in Lower Manhattan will be disrupted tomorrow, due to the New York Giants Super Bowl victory parade." ••• Jimmy Cliff is sitting in tonight. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave announces that he's a Rastafarian.

  2. Dave also announces that all day long, he's been smokin' a spliff. He's full of ganja.

  3. Norman, the Bicycle-Riding Dog is with us tonight.

  4. It's the second night of Elvis tribute artists.

  5. "Weeeed."
••• Top Ten Signs You're a Bad Elvis Presley Tribute Artist •••
Eric Stonestreet plugs Modern Family and Identify Thief, which opens this weekend. The two-time Emmy winner and Kansas State alumnus did an Elvis impression in first grade in Kansas City, popped collar and all. He gives us a blockbuster Elvis impression. Young Eric was very upset when Elvis died. He may have his facts mixed up. Eric was born on Sept. 9, 1971, and Elvis croaked on Aug. 16, 1977, so Eric was only five when the King was taken from us. Eric had knee problems, a degenerative condition, but threw discus and shot in high school. His athletics career was cut short when he fell down 14 steps at home, as a result of sleepwalking. Really. He came to Kansas State to major in social work, but he got into acting in college. Eric's having a bit of trepidation, because we see his butt in Identity Thief. His butt's going to be available for public viewing for a long, long time. He's going to have to sign butt-picture autographs.
••• Karen Cobb from Canton, Georgia makes a return visit. Her French sheep dog, Norman, rides a bicycle onstage. She and Norman are with us to plug his new show, Who Let the Dogs Out, on the Hallmark Channel (whatever that is). Norman and Karen first visited the Late Show for a Stupid Pet Trick on 2/24/11. ••• Act 5: Jimmy Cliff with the CBSO ••• Chris "Mad Dog" Russo (I pretty much tune him out.) ••• Brandon Bennett, Elvis tribute artist, sings "You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/06/13 [3801]: "This Day in Elvis Tribute Artist History" / video:

(title graphic)

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "On this date in 1959, Ron Burton (photo) sang "Don't Be Cruel" in full costume, becoming the first documented Elvis tribute artist. He was arrested for identity fraud,..."

(FX): jail cell bars appear in front of Mr. Burton

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "...and given a 30-year sentence. Ron Burton died in prison. This has been 'This Day in Elvis Tribute Artist History,' sponsored by Inflatable Things You See Outside Car Dealerships."

(title graphic)

••• monologue:
(Dave): "Here we have a story about old-time TV from back in the 70s, I think. Paul, do you remember a show called Ironside?" (Paul: "Of course. Yes.") "NBC is remaking Ironside, and it's about a detective who solves crime from a wheelchair. And it was starring Raymond Burr years and years ago. Wonderful show. Now, here's how TV works. CBS found out that they were doin' a detective show about a detective in a wheelchair, so now they're gonna do a detective show about a detective who can't sit down. See how they... see how the minds work?"

Dave takes a few moments to recover from that stinker.

(Dave, to Tony Mendez): "Let me see that. Let me see that."

(Tony hands over the offending cue card.)

Dave strolls over to a brand new Rexel® shredder that's beside Paul's organ. He shreds the 14" x 22" cue card into little ¼" strips.

••• monologue:
(Dave): "Wow, here's a story that, um... I don't know what to think about this story. You all remember King Richard III?" (Paul: "Oh, yeah.") "Had a hump back and a limp. And they found recently the remains of this guy... 500 years... been buried... long gone... but they found his remains under a parking lot, after 500... I mean... honest to God, talk about your long-term parking. There... what... are you? I mean, think about the way the world turns. One day you're the King of England, and the next day, you're buried under a shopping cart corral. Think about that!"

(Dave, to Tony): "Let me have that one, too."

(Dave sends that cue card on a one-way trip through the Rexel®.

••• It's a trailer for Guys Crawling Through Duct Work. / video:
(voice-over): "Tom Cruise. Bruce Willis. George Clooney. Together in the biggest action-adventure thrill ride of the year."

(clips): actors crawling through ducts

(voice-over): "Guys Crawling Through Duct Work. Starts Friday."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Viewer Poll": We see a picture of food on a wall. It's not straight. Poll:

A. YES
B. A LITTLE HIGHER ON THE LEFT
C. A LITTLE HIGHER ON THE RIGHT

••• desk chat:

  1. The Beatles played five songs in the Ed on February 9, 1964, in two sets. (Wikipedia)

  2. With the energy of the Elvis Tribute Week, we may be able to bring Elvis back from the dead.
••• Biff Henderson comes out to set up "Biff Henderson at Super Bowl XLVII." / video:
We see Biff with Ravens fans, Katherine Webb (who declines a marriage proposal), and dancing with Maria Menounos. Like the Harbaugh brothers, Biff has a brother who works for an arch rival. That's right. It's a mustachioed Stu Henderson, reporting for the Tonight Show. It's more Maria Menounos. Alec Baldwin reports it's a tie on his favorite Harbaugh brother. On the other hand, his favorite Baldwin brother is Alec Baldwin. It's close-ups with John Harbaugh, Terrell Suggs, Torrey Smith, Ray Lewis, Asa Jackson and Bryant McKinnie. Biff has a doctored New York Times with a front page story, "Biff Henderson Leads Ravens To Super Bowl Victory." Then it's close-ups with Anthony Allen and Joe Flacco, and we're out.
••• It's an all-time great TTL: Top Ten Things House Plants Have to Say / Here it is:

  1. "Your cactus is a real prick"

  2. "With my ass in the dirt all day, I feel like the 49ers defense -- Hey-O!"

  3. "For the love of God, put on some pants"

  4. "I'd like to thank the people of Colorado and Washington for legalizing me"

  5. "I absorb the CO2 you exhale -- maybe try a breath mint"

  6. "I'm not going back on tour with Led Zeppelin" (Oh, I'm sorry, that's what Robert Plant has to say)

  7. "Your wife is sleeping with the UPS guy"

  8. "I had the most amazing photosynthesis last weekend"

  9. "Please ask dog to stop 'watering' me"

  10. "Watching you eat salad is creepy"
••• Joel McHale plugs Community. ••• interruption: The theater goes dark. What on earth's going on? The lights come on. There's a corpse laying across the guest chairs, knife protruding from his back. Two suspects are standing nearby. Scene. They exit the stage. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: 59% voted for "a little higher on the right" for the picture. The new poll wonders how the picture looks after a little higher on the right. (It looks just right to my untrained eye.) ••• Amy Sedaris plugs her line of fabrics. Dave always enjoys her visits. ••• Justin Shandor is tonight's Elvis tribute artist, and he is awesome. Dave calls for an encore. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of Amy Sedaris and a miniature marshmallow as a buck tooth

2/07/13 [3802]: There's all kinds of discussion about the 34-minute power outage during Super Bowl XLVII, and the NFL has a response. / video:

(clip): a dark Super Dome at 13:22 in Q3, then a power-switching panel

(voice-over): "The NFL regrets the power failure during Super Bowl XLVII. We're testing all the equipment to ensure that this sort of interruption will (garbled)" / snow...

••• The United States Postal Service plans to stop Saturday mail delivery. / video:
(graphic): USPS logo

(clips): letter carrier at work, sorters at work in a post office

(voice-over): "This is an important message from the United States Postal Service. Beginning in August, Saturday mail delivery will be discontinued, saving over $2 billion annually. Also, effective immediately, we will no longer be delivering hate mail to the Late Show with David Letterman, saving over $3 billion annually."

(1697 Broadway cam): We see the familiar marquee. A Charlie Sheen cocaine dumptruck U. S. Mail dumptruck tilts the bed and deposits a truckload of less-than-positive letters on the sidewalk.

(USPS logo)

(voice-mail): "The United States Postal Service: We deliver for you."

••• monologue interruption: It's more of the NFL video!
(clip): more power control panels and steam turbines

(voice-over): "We're confident that our electrical problems are behind us. A message from the NF (garbled) L."

••• The Iranians have started a space program. They're at it again. / video:
(clip, courtesy Iranian Ministry of Defense): a camel

(voice-over by the usual Osama bin Laden Arab voice): "T minus five, four, three, two, one."

(animation): One of the camel's humps hinges open. A little missile launches from it.

(voice-over): "We've cleared the hump. We have liftoff."

(clip): cheering Arabs

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "I see the glass as half full. Half full of pessimism." ••• desk chat:
  1. Call people who aren't watching tonight and mock them.

  2. Tax time. We see an H&R Block ad / video:
    (Sherry Weishaar): "I'm a tax professional. That's all I know."

    (Richard Gartland, with bow tie): "Prior to joining H&R Block, I was a CFO for 25 years."

    (Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis as Leslie Dobbs): "I'll go through your receipts. I'll go through your deductions. Just don't touch my desk."

    (animation): H&R Block logo

  3. Dave has a bio for Elvis. He sold more than 1,000,000,000 records and albums. He died in 1977, but last year he earned $60,000,000. He's the best-selling solo artist in the history of popular music.
••• Jerry Foley runs the TTL montage. / Alan: "Tonight's Top Ten is brought to you by Boeing 787 Dreamliner batteries. Dreamliner... the only way to fly. Back to you, Duckface." ••• [John and Ann Betar of Fairfield, Connecticut were hitched on Nov. 25, 1932, and have been happily married for 80 years. They have five children, 14 grandchildren and 16 great-grandchildren.] / Top Ten Things Overheard at the Home of the Couple Who Have Been Married 80 Years ••• Sally Field plugs Lincoln. She played Mary Todd, and she's nominated for an Oscar. We like her. We honestly like her. ••• John Harbaugh, winning Super Bowl XLVII coach, visits with Dave about the big win. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Can you guess the date of this audience shot? That's right: May 11, 2012! ••• more John Harbaugh ••• desk chat: Dave and the Late Show staff hope to bring Elvis back from the dead. ••• Shawn Klush, Elvis tribute artist ••• [Felicia Collins wasn't in tonight. We think the sub was Michael Muller.]

2/08/13 [3803]: [It's El Blizzardo Grande in the Northeast tonight, with civilian travel in Massachusetts banned by the governor. This episode must have been taped earlier in the week.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out guy wondered if Dave had plans to visit Delaware. ••• A second audience guy who's wearing a tie gets a shout out. ••• For the first time in a very long time, there are no video funnies in tonight's monologue. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "As my own private protest, I'm not watching the Grammys. Once again, my latest rap album was snubbed." ••• desk chat:

  1. Something wonderful will happen on this program. You'll see it later. You'll say, "By golly, for once in his life, Dave was right." It has to do with Elvis Tribute Artist Week. Dave credits Paul, a bonafide musical genius, for bringing it all together.

  2. Dave has a blue card which contains the information that hosting a late night talk show is also on the list of bad jobs.
••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. / video:
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, before we get too much farther down the road here on our program, what do you say we check in with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up tomorrow night on the Weekend Late Show. Kids?"

(Bruce): starts swaying sideways, even before Linda speaks

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. It's the weekend after Super Sunday, and you know what that means, Bruce. It's our annual Juice Cleanse. Follow along with us at home - the instructions are on our web site - and see if you aren't feeling like a new person by next week."

(Bruce): "I always feel like a hungrier person. Hey, Linda, do you know CPR?"

(Linda): "Why? Did your heart stop?" (cracks herself up) "Yes, I do."

(Bruce): "Well, in a fascinating interview, our health editor, Tammy Van Buskirk, sits down with Al Wagner, the inventor of the CPR practice dummy. He'll also show us some of the less-famous dummies he's built just for fun."

(Linda): "I'm intrigued! It's also the 50th birthday of country singer Travis Tritt. He'll join us by phone to talk about the big day, his music and what it's like to be a member of the Grand Ole Opry."

(Bruce): "Cool! All that, plus breeding ferrets, work release programs and 'what three minor surgeries can you perform at home?' Tomorrow, on the Weekend Late Show."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Bruce and Linda." (long pause) "I... I kind of know how you folks feel now. I think we see eye-to-eye on that one."

••• Jerry opens the TTL montage, then Dave sidetracks the festivities with an impression of his mother (sort of). It's completely made up and extra. It's Dave's mother, Dorothy, reprimanding him, if Dorothy were Charles Bronson. It goes exactly like this:
(Dave turns 180° to prepare himself for the role.)

(Dave, with tightened-up face and accent): "I do and do and do for you kids, and this is the thanks I get?"

••• Top Ten People Not Nominated for a "Best Spoken Word" Grammy Award (a video TTL)
  1. New York City news anchor Ernie Anastos on 9/16/09 on Fox 5 WNYW: telling the weatherman Nick Gregory, "Keep      ing that chicken."

  2. Vice-President Joe Biden: "I promise you... the president has a big stick."

  3. It's Dave at his desk, making a ridiculous noise by shaking his cheeks. (might have been from 7/26/12)

  4. Colon Health® ad lady: "Diarrhea, constipation, gas, bloating. That's me."

  5. Mayor Michael Bloomberg: "Alright, let me also point out that I don't think we've had a murder in two or three days. There's some good news."

  6. Gov. Mitt Romney: "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me."

  7. Al Roker: "I pooped my pants! Uh, not horribly..."

  8. Brad Pitt: "The world turns, and we turn with it."

  9. Joe Theismann: "My prostate was givin' me fits." (Note: Theismann was misspelled on the TTL.)

  10. George W. Bush: "Are my testicles black?"
••• Pauley Perrette plugs N.C.I.S. ••• desk chat:
Dave tells us that Americans are tired of being manipulated by corporate America. The next thing we know, Paul Shaffer's in the audience. He's never seen the show before. Dave and Paul have a brief visit, then Dave announces that it seems Hostess® is coming back with all our favorite snack treats. Cut to Paul. He's exiting the theater. He's seen enough.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan wonders if we could have a Bill O'Reilly Tribute Week. ••• Jake Johannsen does stand-up. ••• Elvis tribute artist Ben Portsmouth sings, and does a brief encore. ••• [Felicia Collins is back tonight.]

2/11/13 [3804]: [A 150-foot asteroid with the catchy name of 2012 DA14 will pass about 17,000 miles above earth on Feb. 15. We're just missing an Asteroid Apocalypse. We know how Dave hates commercializing a bad situation.] / Asteroid Off® ad / video:

(action-adventure movie music)

(FX): asteroid tumbling through our solar system

(voice-over): "A large asteroid is tumbling toward the earth. Are YOU prepared?"

(photo): guy with glasses, scared out of his wits

(Freeplay music: "Fifth Avenue Stroll")

(upbeat new voice-over): "Get Asteroid Off Space Rock Repellent®! It's reliable, long-lasting protection."

(FX): guy with glasses in his front yard / asteroid bounces right off his head!

(upbeat new voice-over): "Also try Deep Woods Asteroid Off®, available at True Value® Hardware."

••• monologue:
"I'm kind of excited, because on the show tonight we have 10... 10 beautiful Sports Illustrated supermodels, ladies and gentlemen. And, before the show, I addressed the supermodels (as I do with all our guests)... kind of a little primer on how to behave in front of the camera. And I said, 'You know, ladies, you're all so beautiful, and if you think about it this way, one day one of you might be lucky enough to be kissing some fat little dumpy kid in the Super Bowl.' "
••• interruption: Assistant cue card technician Todd Seda comes out to Dave's mark. It goes exactly like this:
(Dave): "Oh, hi, Todd. How're ya doin'? Nice to see you."

(Todd): "Hey, Dave. Sorry to bother ya."

(Dave): "No bother, really. We're right in the middle of the show."

(Todd): "OK. Good. So the Pope is retiring..."

(Dave): "Right! I heard that."

(Todd): "...and the staff is taking up a collection to get him a gift."

(Dave): "Really?"

(Todd): "Yeah."

(Dave, reaching for his shirt pocket): "Well, alright. I don't want to be the one who didn't, uh." (hands over $20)

(Todd): "Thanks very much. We're going to get him a Vespa® scooter."

(me): just like the one Regis wrecked on 11/17/11

(Dave): "That's a great idea.

(Todd): "Yeah. Thank you."

(Dave): "Oh, and you're welcome."

(Todd turns back to Dave): "Oh, and we're havin' a..."

(Dave): "What, what what?"

(Todd): "We're gonna have bagels for the Pope at the Thursday production meeting, if you want to stop by. Up to you."

(Dave): "Thursday?"

(Todd): "Yup."

(Dave): "Well, that's Asteroid Day."

••• "The Pope Auditions" / video: shirtless dancing guys (a rerun of "The Sainthood Auditions" from 10/22/12) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave talks about Sally Field being on the show on 2/07/13, plugging Lincoln. Dave told Sally that Abe used to walk five miles to school. She knew, because it's in the film. Dave then delivered the punchline: "What they don't tell you is that he was always late." Dave reports that he must have remembered the joke from Steve Mittleman, who's been on the show many times. (I can't find any record of him at all.)

  2. Dave seems very happy with Elvis Tribute Week last week. Here's a video: "Elvis Artist Tribute Week - A Look Back."
••• Sports Illustrated swimsuit models present the Top Ten Questions on the Application to Become a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model. /
  1. Kate Upton: "Where's the strangest place you've found sand?"

  2. Katherine Webb: "How would Brent Musberger describe you?"

  3. Genevieve Morton: "Are you willing to visit the elderly at his late night talk show?"

  4. Julie Henderson: "Have you ever used any pose-enhancing drugs?"

  5. Alyssa Miller: "Please list your three most recent employers' measurements."

  6. Hannah Davis: "Will you keep your mouth shut if we lose a couple of girls to shark attacks?"

  7. Chrissy Teigen: "Can you provide your own beach towel?"

  8. Ariel Meredith: "Are you willing to kiss a tubby guy for a Super Bowl commercial?"

  9. Nina Agdal: "Have you dated Charlie Sheen?"

  10. Emily DiDonato: "How naked do you see yourself in five years?"
••• outside cam: The Sports Illustrated cover, five stories tall, is on the Ed Sullivan Theater building, above the marquee, and it's unveiled. ••• Bill O'Reilly plugs his books, including Lincoln's Last Days. I think this may have been Dave's best interview with Mr. Factor. ••• Act 5: Kate Upton is on the marquee, on a ladder, posing in the general vicinity of her cover. ••• desk chat: Dave announces that a guest for Wednesday's show, Army Staff Sergeant Clinton Romesha, was award the Medal of Honor earlier today. ••• interruption: Where is Anton Fig? Has anyone seen him? This is most unusual. / Oh, of course. A green room camera shows Anton giving a hands-on drum lesson to model Chrissy Teigen. ••• The Avett Brothers sing. They were good! (Pronounce their last name with a long A, please.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/12/13 [3805]: The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is underway. / "Late Show Message to the Best in Show Winner"

(Dave, about 6" from the camera): "Who's the big doggie? Who's a big doggie? Who's a big puppy? Who's a big puppy?" (video)
••• Tonight's audience shout outs are to a guy in a Michigan sweatshirt and a couple from Belgium. ••• monologue:
"Any Catholics here today? Yeah, I thought so. Congratulations. Lent... Lent's comin' up tomorrow. Yup. Have you figured it out... what you're gonna give up for Lent? You know, the Pope gave up poping."
•••
[The North Koreans are at it again. They blew up an atomic bomb underground this week. Meanwhile, their distinguished leader, Kim Jong-Un, is in the audience tonight.] / animation: It's the usual "Dictator's Face on Another Body" funny. / Dave shows the actor-behind-the-dictator-face leaning sideways so we can see him. We don't know who the actor is, but Talent Researcher John Klarl is to his right.
•••
Sports Illustrated cover model Kate Upton is on tonight. / animation: Her five-story-high cover picture (mounted on the front of the theater building) comes loose and lands sideways on the Late Show marquee. The extra weight brings the marquee crashing to the sidewalk. (We're being told the sidewalk's OK.)
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Members of the Basketball Hall of Fame get free admission to the Basket Hall of Fame." ••• desk chat:

Try to keep Thursday open for the arrival of the 150-foot asteroid, 2012 DA14. Oops. Dave mistakenly referred to the astronaut at one point. Anyway, Dave's been on the phone all day with his pals at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. They've made a dramatization of what it's going to be like, and Dave will now present it. /

  1. The theater lights are dimmed.
  2. We hear the asteroid's motors running. (We all know how well sound travels in the vacuum of space.)
  3. An eerie glow is seen in the backdrop.
  4. Hey, 2012 DA14 is sounding more and more like a subway as it approaches our planet through the vacuum of space.
  5. Dave says, "I'm kind of... I stand humbled in the awe before the wondrous powers of the universe right now. Waiting on the asteroid to blow past our planet... our beautiful, blue marble."
  6. A stagehand throws a large wad of paper diagonally across the backdrop.
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. / Alan proclaims,
"Tonight's Top Ten list is brought to you by Sink Plugs." (photo of nasty-looking sink plug) "Buenos tardes. I'm celebrity Alan Kalter. You know, you work too hard all day to come home to a sink that won't fill up. It wastes time... wastes money. With Valentine's Day right around the corner, take a tip from Alan Kalter. Pick up a Sink Plug for your sweetheart today. Sink Plugs... and they also work for tubs. Back to you, jughead."
••• Top Ten Signs You Would Make a Bad Pope ••• Bruce Willis plugs A Good Day to Die Hard. As usual, he comes with all kinds of material, and enters wearing a pope hat. Bruce never disappoints. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kate Upton, Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model, tells about her chilling experience modeling next-to-nothing at the South Pole. ••• Little Big Town sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with closing credits: Bruce Willis drooling to amuse his baby

2/13/13 [3806]: wardrobe malfunction: During pre-show questions, an audience lady who claimed to be from Germany pointed out that the front of Dave's tie is ½" too short. ••• interruption: Dave notices that Alan has left his perch at stage left. Suddenly we hear the familiar, mellifluous voice of Mr. Wahoo himself, Michael Z. McIntee.

(Dave, looking around): "Alan is not here? Where is Alan? Alan is here? Alan is not here?"

(Paul): "I don't see him."

(Dave): "Paul, do you know..."

(Mike): "Ladies and gentlemen..."

(CBSO): begins playing "Hail to the Chief."

(Mike, now on camera, in dark suit, at attention): "...Late Show announcer Alan Kalter!"

Mike smartly steps aside.

Mr. Alan Kalter enters the theater through a back door, randomly shaking hands with audience members.

(Dave, pointing to his pretend watch): "Hey. Hey!"

Alan completely ignores the boss.

(Dave): "Well, it was quicker than last year's entrance."

••• [Barack Obama delivered the State of the Union Address last night. / The president takes the podium, then delivers manila envelopes to Joe Biden and John Boehner.] / Late Show FX: They're Valentines: "You're sweet, John Boehner," and "Be my Valentine, Joe." •••
[I was at Coach Weber's weekly radio show last night and missed the State of the Union, so I didn't get this next joke. There is a lot of chatter about U.S. Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., pausing for a quick drink of water during his response to President Obama's address. He tried to be quick and inconspicuous, which made it more of a topic.] / Dave pauses during the monologue. Keeping his eye on the camera, he reaches for a bottle of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Quality Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey and enjoys a drink, then sets it just off camera. (x2)
••• Dave watched the State of the Union address last night. Joe Biden has a way of saying or doing things that catch people's attention. / video: Last night, just after standing to applaud the president, as he takes his seat... poof... he's gone. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Happy Valentine's Day to foreigners" who are on the other side of the Prime Meridian, where it's Feb. 14. ••• out of commercial: Dave gives a shout out to Frank Greene, who had a saxophone solo. ••• desk chat:
Dave has a thing to set up. He complains that in his position, things happen, even when he's minding his own business. The scrutiny is withering. Robin the German in the audience saw fit to comment about Dave's wardrobe malfunction, so he expertly takes scissors to his tie to put an end to the scandal.
••• Jerry Foley opens the Top Ten montage. Alan Kalter has a TTL commercial. /
(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten List Is Sponsored by Urine Soaked Carpet Barn®. We salvage urine-soaked carpeting from disabled cruise ships awash in sewage, as well as from other sources like schools and prisons. Pass the savings on to you! After a thorough cleaning, we sell it at prices you'll like. Most people can't tell the difference from new carpeting!"

(photo): A gorgeous lady apparently differs. She is showing us a very unhappy face. She looks like she might urp.

(Alan): "Urine Soaked Carpet Barn®: We're in the Yellow Pages. Back to you, Jimmy."

••• (clip of Marco Rubio's drink of water) / Top Ten Things Going Through Marco Rubio's Mind at This Moment ••• Medal of Honor recipient, former Army Staff Sergeant Clinton Romesha / Instead of going into commercial with the CBSO, we see a silent on-screen In Memoriam for fallen soliders.
STAFF SGT. VERNON W. MARTIN OF SAVANNAH, GA

STAFF SGT. JUSTIN T. GALLEGOS OF TUCSON, AZ

SGT. JOSHUA M. HARDT OF APPLEGATE, CA.

SGT. JOSHUA J. KIRK OF SOUTH PORTLAND, ME.

SGT. MICHAEL P. SCUSA OF VILLAS, N.J.

SPC. CHRISTOPHER T. GRIFFIN OF KINCHELOE, MI.

SPC. STEPHAN L. MACE OF LOVETTSVILLE, VA.

PFC. KEVIN C. THOMSON OF RENO, NV

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for joiningforces.gov ••• AnnaSophia Robb plugs The Carrie Diaries. ••• Robert DeLong sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/14/13 [3807]: The Carnival Cruise ship Triumph has been stranded in the Gulf of Mexico for five days. / "live coverage":

(clips): actual CNN footage, then bogus CNN footage of old-time shirtless guys, chained in place, rowing some ship
••• interruption: Kathy Mavrikakis, a.k.a. Kathy Michalcik, appears at Dave's mark.
(Dave): "Hi, Kathy. How are you? Look everybody, this is Kathy Michalcik, our supervising producer. Hi, Kathy. Good to have you with us. What can I do for you, Kathy?"

(Kathy): "Well, Dave, you may have heard that Pope Benedict is stepping down."

(Dave): "Oh, yes. I did hear that."

(Kathy): "And I was going to post this memo about the open position, but I thought it would be easier if I just read it out loud."

(Dave, after a long pause): "You know this is really not a good time..."

(Kathy, ignoring Dave): "Congratulations to Pope Benedict the 16th, who will be moving on to other endeavors. Candidates interested in applying for Pope should be proficient in Microsoft Word®, good at answering phones and strong in people skills. Please see me or Janice Penino by the end of the day Friday."

(Dave): "Umm. OK. You know what? Sign me up!"

(Kathy): "I'll be sure to pencil-whip that right through."

(Dave): "OK, thank you."

(Dave, yelling to Kathy, now offstage): "Hey... my best to Manny."

••• Photoshop fun: Pope Benedict XVI has fishing lures on his giant Pope hat. ••• Asteroid 2012 DA14, 150 miles wide, will pass by earth tomorrow. An asteroid this size hit earth and killed all the dinosaurs on this day 65,000,000 years ago! / We get Will Lee's "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. (one of his best, I might add) / Here's a special announcement from NASA. / video:
(the Osama bin Laden Arab voice-over): "Do not fear the approaching asteroid. The nation of Iran has solvd the problem."

(photo): Ahmadinejad

(the Osama bin Laden Arab voice-over): "We have launched our monkey back into space..."

(clip): monkey astronaut

(the Osama bin Laden Arab voice-over): "...where it will deflect the asteroid with a coconut."

(animation): monkey in spacesuit hurls coconut at asteroid (bullseye!)

(the Osama bin Laden Arab voice-over): "Iran. Relax, we got this one."

••• It's the 79th birthday of Florence Henderson. What's she been up to? / MSNBC video:
(anchor): "Florence Henderson, a.k.a. Carol Brady, says that she got crabs in the 1960s after having a one-night stand with then-New York Mayor John Lindsay."

(Dave clears throat, then): "Well, happy birthday, Florence."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Happy Valentine's Day! I'm on my third one-pound box of chocolates. I'm going to lie down in the boiler room." ••• The Late Show is having big fun with Senator Marco Rubio, while giving the rebuttal to the State of the Union address, trying to sneak a drink of water. / re-enactment: We see the senator reaching over to a table, accidentally knocking off a vase of flowers, his hand landing in a bowl of potato chips, getting gooed up in a bowl of dip and finally, finding a bottle of water. ••• Dave had quite a shopping excursion today: Duane Read, CVS, Walmart and Walgreens for "Valentine's Day Cards." /
  • "You'll always be my Valentine. At least until my hour is up."

  • I love you more each day as my other options diminish."

  • You're already my cellmate, might as well be my Valentine."

  • (rejected)

  • "I rememberd Valentine's Day this year, so you'll have to find something else to complain about."

  • "Forget the envelope – I licked the whole card!"

  • "You're #2 in al Qaeda, but #1 in my heart."

  • "Be my Valentine? (if 'no,' please give this card to your sister)"

  • "As a token of my love, I booked you on the Carnival Cruise ship Triumph."

  • "See you tonight for joyless, once-a-year sex."
••• Top Ten Least Romantic Three-Word Phrases: #7: "Those weren't edible." #2: "It's me, Dave." ••• Jerry Seinfeld plugs Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. / stand-up / interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave Grohl interview / He has a movie, Sound City, that Dave really liked. ••• Dave Grohl and the Sound City Players, with Stevie Nicks ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/15/13 [3808]: It's Presidents Day weekend. / Photoshop fun: The presidents immortalized at Mt. Rushmore are wearing colorful party hats. They're the same shape as dunce caps, but the pastel colors make all the difference. ••• interruption:

(FX): We hear video game-type sound effects.

(cue card cam): Tony's holding a colorful cue card: DAILY DOUBLE.

(Dave's excited): "Oh, you know what this is? It's the Daily Double, so listen to this. I can now wager on the next joke and double my money. Is that right? Is that right, Tony?"

(Tony, looking a bit stern): "No."

(Dave): "No? But it says... right there it says Daily Double."

(Tony, raising his voice a couple of notches): "It's just a stupid joke. It doesn't mean anything. Forget about it."

(Tony tosses the card aside. It can't be shredded, as the Rexel® shredder isn't onstage tonight.)

(Alan Kalter, over the Jeopardy theme song): "The Late Show: Repurposing elements of other television programs since 1993. The Late Show is not affiliated with Merv Griffin Enterprises. Back to you, Dave."

••• Yesterday was Valentine's Day. / "Iconic Kisses Throughout History" / video:
(title graphic)

• Bogart and Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca

• Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity

• TLC's My Strange Addiction / some guy apparently kissing a red car

(female voice-over): "This has been "Iconic Kisses Throughout History."

(title graphic)

••• Pope Benedict XVI is retiring. Dave suggests Poperah. ••• Apparently Chinese hackers got at Bush family e-mails. / "George W. Bush's Hacked Emails" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(classical music and voice-over):

DEAR MICROSOFT,

SOMEHOW I'VE TURNED ON THE CAPITAL LETTERS AND NOW I CAN'T TURN THEM OFF. WHAT'S THE SECRET?

W.

(announcer): " 'George W. Bush's Hacked Emails' has been brought to you by Hormel.' "

(title graphic)

••• The stranded Carnival Cruise ship Triumph has finally hit land at Mobile, Alabama, so let's have a look at a Carnival commercial. / video:
(photo): sun setting on a cruise ship on the Caribbean

(voice-over): "Need a vacation? There's no better time to take a Carnival Cruise."

(clip): happy passengers

(voice-over): "Let the stress of civilization melt away, with our Back to Basics package. Leave electricity, running water and air conditioning behind! Take in romantic nights under the stars in our makeshift tent city, and enjoy new activities."

(photo): two tourist guys on deck in a tug-of-war

(security boss Bill DeLace voice-over): "Give me the damn sandwich!"

(voice-over): "You'll be swept away by the majesty of our flowing sewage waterfall."

(photo): the not-happy-at-all lady

(voice-over): "And look! A tugboat." (horn) "Carnival Cruise Lines. It's a carnival. It's a cruise. It's a Carnival Cruise."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• Bruce and Linda preview the Weekend Late Show. /
(Dave): "Now, before we do tonight's Top Ten list... always a favorite, especially on a Friday... let's do ourselves a favor and check in with our good friends, Bruce and Linda, to see what's coming up tomorrow, right here on the Weekend Late Show. Kids, take it away."

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. It's Presidents Day weekend, and here in the studio, we're going to meet Connie Harrison, second cousin to the Oscar-nominated star of Lincoln, Daniel Day-Lewis."

(Bruce, swaying back and forth like crazy): "Honest Abe! That'll be fascinating! Hey... when was the last time you updated your encyclopedia?"

(Linda): "Oh, gosh, I probably have the same one I used in college!"

(Bruce): "Well, I'll bet those are valuable antiques now! Well, Tony Gertz, our Late Show personal shopper, will show us the latest, most comprehensive..."

(Dave, via green screen, standing in front of the backdrop): "I'm sorry. Excuse me."

(Linda): "Hi, Dave!"

(Dave): "Hi."

(Linda): "What a surprise!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Just a couple of things. One, the show is phony. We know the show is phony. There is no Weekend Late Show, and two, people don't like you." (big grin) "So, let's just get out of here, OK? Come on. Get out. Just get out. Kinda now. Today. Look, thanks for everything."

(Linda): "Sure."

(Bruce and Linda gather up their mugs and floral arrangement, and exit.)

(Dave): "OK. We'll see you later. Now, back to you, Dave."

(Dave, at his desk): "Thanks, Dave. Thank you very much! How about that? I'd forgotten I did that!"

(Paul): "You did that."

(Dave): "It was a little embarrassed, but I feel better about it now."

(Paul): "You were there. Now you're here."

••• Top Ten Things Passengers Said After Getting Off the Carnival Cruise Ship ••• Helen Hunt plugs the DVD of The Sessions. She's nominated for an Oscar for the role. It turns out she's naked a lot. ••• desk chat: The CBSO has just played a Jimi Hendrix song. Dave and Paul agree that he was the best-ever on guitar. ••• "George W. Bush's Hacked Emails" / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(classical music and voice-over):

Dear Jeb,

Are we still meeting up this weekend a cejuh fa akqw hgd ptbfa jidgacf ddfkhoilkje

Sorry, fell asleep on the keyboard.

W.

(announcer): " 'George W. Bush's Hacked Emails' has been brought to you by Entenmann's®."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jeff Caldwell does stand-up. ••• The Maccabees sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/18/13 [3809]: Audience shout out to Nick from Boston: "Are you lonely? Kind of a loser? Come to the show. Maybe I'll call on you. Maybe." ••• [The Academy Awards are in six days.] / monologue: "Les Miserables. Many, many nominations. It's a musical about a Carnival Cruise." ••• interruption:

(voice, off-camera, hollering): "Mr. Letterman. Mr. Letterman."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What?"

(voice): "Mr. Letterman."

(Dave): "Yes. Yes."

(Dave): "I am George Washington, Father of Our Country. Shame on you for not giving your staff the holiday off!"

(Dave points to the rafters.): "Oh, that's Gene... It's Gene Szymanski, that's one of our stagehands. I can see you, Gene."

(Gene): "No. I am George Washington!"

(Dave): "No, you're not. Gene, I'm looking right at you. I can see you up there."

(Gene): "Give the staff the holiday off!"

(Dave): "You're not George Washington at all."

(Gene): "Listen to George."

••• monologue, re the stranded Carnival Cruise ship: "You know you're on a bad cruise when you have to use dental floss as a fishing line." ••• The Carnival Cruise ship Triumph ran aground near Mobile, Alabama, and we have footage from CNN.
(black and white clip): Shecky has found some old pirate movie. (Wahoo Mike says it's Mutiny on the Bounty.) I thought it was about pirates, but it turns out it was about mutineers. It's cool to be either one, I think.
••• [In the last few days, meteors have struck in Russia, Florida and California. They have nothing to do with the asteroid, 2012 DA14, that missed earth by about 17,000 miles on Friday.] What happened to the asteroid after it passed by earth? / video:
(NASA/JPL animation): the sun, earth, Mars and the asteroid (in motion)

(FX): asteroid bounces off Mars, then the sun, then Mars, then the sun moves to bounce it again, then Mars, then the sun, then earth, which, unfortunately disintegrates (all with video game sound FX)

(me): sure a lot of sounds coming through the vacuum of space

••• monologue: "Pope Benedict XVI was fired for stealing communion wafers. He'll be retiring to his sprawling ranch, The Popearosa. I think we have a picture of it. There... no, that's Jeter's place. That was a mistake."

••• Nominations for the new Pope were announced in the Beverly Hilton this morning. / video:

(clip): "266th Papal Nomination Ceremony, Vatican City, Rome"

(Emma Stone): "The nominees for the next Pope are: Cardinal Peter Turkson, Cardinal Mark Ouellet, Cardinal Francis Arinze, Cardinal Angelo Scola and Richard Dreyfus."

••• President Obama slipped away over the weekend for a golf vacation. / video:
(clip): The president swings. Is he playing fair?

(animation): A drone shoots a missile at the green. An alternate hole is created. Score!!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Presidential Quote Challenge": "Which president said, 'That's Fillmore with two Ls?' We'll have the answer next Presidents' Day." ••• In response to the Carnival Cruise ship stranded powerless in the Caribbean for several days, Carnival Cruises CEO Jim Keyes has asked to speak to the American public.
(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, here to address the situation (with) the Carnival Cruise ship Triumph, please welcome CEO of Carnival Corporation, Jim Keyes. Jim, come on out here."

(CBSO): plays the peppy Carnival Cruise jingle

(CEO Keyes, wearing a ship's captain hat): "Ahoy, mariners! I'm Jim Keyes, CEO of Carnival Cruises, the fun ships. Well, as you may or may not have heard, we had a little trouble in the Gulf of Mexico, but a few urine-soaked carpets and sandwiches later, I'm happy to say (ha ha), 'We've all got a story to tell.' Even with this unfortunate mishap, Carnival Cruises is proud to be dysentery-free for five straight years! No scurvy, either. And to show our customers we're serious about smiles, we're offering this coupon for $12 off your next Carnival Cruise. Valid through Sunday. We're also going to reroute all of our future cruises to be no more than 1,000 feet from shore at all times." (map) "Safety first. So come sail away with us, but not too far away. (ha ha ha) That's an order from me, Captain Jim. See you all on the high seas!" (salutes)

(CBSO): plays the peppy Carnival Cruise jingle

(Dave, to Paul): "Is it me, or is that guy just a stooge?"

(Paul): "Well... I think it's you."

••• Tonight's TTL is a remote. A man dressed as Abe Lincoln approaches civilians and speaks the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Guy Dressed as Abraham Lincoln. / #5: "Does the $5 bill make me look fat?" ••• balcony cam: We see two Abe Lincolns, stove pipe hat and all. One is John Klarl. ••• David Spade plugs Rules of Engagement. ••• desk chat:
Dave wanted to do something for Presidents Day, and the show discovered the Martin Van Buren Historical Society in Kinderhook, New York. They sent their animatronic Martin Van Buren to visit with Dave. (Martin speaks if Dave presses a button.) For example, on one button press, Martin says, "I had four children, Abraham, Martin, John and Kanye." He goes on to say, "In 1837, I became the first president to win the People's Choice Award."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• bumper:
It's an ad for "Backstage Photo Club." We see a trading card with a smiling Dave, wearing his trail map tie. "Collect 'em All!"
••• desk chat: Dave notices that the likeness of Martin Van Buren is missing from the stage. / outside cam: That rascal! He's outside, trying to hail a cab. ••• Aaron Neville sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/19/13 [3810]: monologue:

Dave cites a study that tells us the average New Yorker has a 31-minute commute to get to the city. "That's why, ladies and gentlemen, I choose to live here in the bowels of the Ed Sullivan Theater."

(Paul Shaffer): "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor," or a similar selection

(FX): flashing theater lights

••• [Russia had big trouble from a meteor on Friday... the sort you get about once per 100 years.] / "Meteor Fragment Buyers Guide" video:
(title graphic and Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train"

(voice-over): "Authentic meteor fragment: dense, stony composition, with 10% iron content."

(voice-over): "Counterfeit meteor fragment: squeaks."

(demo): We see a hand squeezing the alleged meteor like a sponge. It squeaks like a baby's toy.

(voice-over): "This has been the 'Meteor Fragment Buyers Guide,' a public service of the Jaycees."

(title graphic)

••• Dave announces a live feed from NASA. / video: The rascally cosmic visitor takes out Downton Abbey. All gone. ••• monologue:
(Dave): "And the Pope, of course, a couple of weeks ago... fired! 'You take your giant hat and get the hell out of here!' 'There he goes!' One day you're the leader of the Catholic Church. The next day you're at Denny's, blowin' on your soup. It's a strange occupation. Here's one of the odd things about being Pope. You're in your office... you're the Pope, and you're in your office, and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss's son. Isn't that strange? Think about it. 'What?' Like this, for example. Take a look. There's Jesus. No... no, wait a minute. That... that's not Jesus. That's Dan Fogelberg."

(Paul): "Dan Fogelberg, yes."

(Dave): "Where's the picture of Jesus? Can we see the picture of Jesus, for God's sakes?"

(Dave): "No, that's Jeter's place! No one is listening to me!"

(me): This is a callback to the story Dave told as he eulogized his old friend, George Miller, on 4/14/03. George had gotten himself in an argument with a girlfriend (or soon-to-be ex-girlfriend), as I recall. When asked if he wrote "Go to Hell" across the picture of Jesus, George said, "Jesus Christ? I thought that was Dan Fogelberg."

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady in an orange something-or-other. ••• [Europe is going nuts over the revelation that horsemeat has been sneaked into restaurant food.] We'll see a doctored clip of a cow doing a horse neigh. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Watch television screen now." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave announces that Joe and Karen Grossman had a baby girl, Hannah Sylvie, on Sunday, Feb. 15 at 5:12 a.m. She weighed 7 pounds, 1½ ounces, and is 19½" tall. Rats! No more of Joe's reports from birthing class.

  2. Barack Obama is on the DAVE phone.
    (Dave): "Hello."

    (Barack): "Hey, this is Barack."

    (Dave): "Mr. President, thank you so much for joining us. Did you enjoy your weekend in Florida, there?"

    (Barack): "I feel good."

    (Dave): "Good. And when the president goes on a little mini-break like this, why, for example, did you choose Florida?"

    (Barack): "Part of it is just the weather's nice all the time, so that kinda chills you out. And you spend a lot of time outside, and that makes you pretty healthy."

    (Dave): "Yeah. Now listen, it's a good thing you didn't go on one of those Carnival cruises!"

    (Barack): laughing

    (Dave): "Yeah. Now, we know you love to play golf, and you played with golf legend Tiger Woods over the weekend. Why didn't you invite your buddy Joe Biden?"

    (Barack): "He's a jackass!"

    (Dave): "Well, thank you very much, Mr. President. We really appreciate your time. Thank you so much!"

    (Barack): "Thank you, Leon."

••• [It's more on that huge meteor crash in Russia on Feb. 15. One driver got spectacular video of it streaking across the sky.] / Top Ten Things Going Through This Guy's Mind at This Moment ••• horsemeat cow again ••• Michelle Williams plugs Oz the Great and Powerful, which opens next month. ••• desk chat: The number of actors and actresses should be limited to five, and Michelle Williams should be one of the chosen few. ••• interruption: Stagehand Tommy O'Brien shows up in front of Dave's command module with a trash cart.
(Tommy): "Hey boss. You got any recycling?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry, Tommy. What?"

(Tommy): "You got any recycling?"

(Dave): "Oh, yeah. Geez, I'm sorry."

(Dave produces three wastebaskets full of liquor bottles.

(Dave, as the third wastebasket is handed over): "Oh, no. Wait, wait wait." There's quite a bit of whiskey left in a Jack Daniel's bottle. Dave knocks it back.

(Tommy): "OK, boss. I'll get the rest later."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Quick – N – Easy Recipe Corner: "Take an apple. Eat the apple." ••• Chris O'Donnell plugs N.C.I.S. Los Angeles. ••• von Grey sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/20/13 [3811]: "Oscar Fun Fact" / video:

(title graphic)

(clip): Oscar animation

(voice-over): "The distinctive Oscar statuette commemorates early Hollywood prop fabricator Oscar Harrison..." (photo) "...who died tragically in 1927 when he fell into a vat of molten brass."

(animation): Oscar falling into a vat of molten brass, with a brief scream

(voice-over): "This has been an 'Oscar Fun Fact.' See you Sunday night."

(title graphic)

••• Office Depot® has merged with Office Max®. Photoshop fun: They'll now be known as Office Office®. (storefront) ••• Coincidentally, last week, American Airlines and U. S. Airways merged. Photoshop fun: One of their jets now says Airways Airlines. ••• Michelle Obama has a new haircut, with bangs. She said she's having a midlife crisis, so she made the change. Dave remembers his own midlife crisis. As a matter of fact, Dave tried bangs, too. (photo): Moe Howard ••• Dave hates it when current events are commercialized. He's been saying this several times of late. The big story this month (along with meteorites and asteroids) is the upcoming resignation of Pope Benedict XVI. / video:
(clip): Catholic mass

(voice-over): "Pope Benedict is stepping down, and the Catholic church needs a new spiritual leader. Could it be you?"

(Mountain Dew® logo)

(voice-over, excited): "Announcing Mountain Dew®'s POPE N' WIN contest! Check the caps of specially-marked Mountain Dew® bottles."

(clip): Cue card guy Todd Seda is in a break room. He's found the cap! "Hey, Mom. I won!!!"

(Photoshop fun): Todd, in his Pope outfit

(voice-over): "Plus other great prizes, like a pool table, and movie tickets. Visit mountaindew.com for complete contest rules. Women not eligible."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and a special birthday greeting to Alan's twin brother, Arnie ••• "Small Town News" /
  • Bull Run Observer, Manassas, Virginia / engagement announcement: "Long-Boney engaged"

  • The Province, Vancouver, British Columbia / headline: "Coke smuggler nabbed in SUV with 'SMUGLER' plate"

  • The Baxter Bulletin, Mountain Home, Arkansas / headline: " 'Ninja' donkey eludes the law"

  • The Green Bay Press Gazette, Green Bay, Wisconsin / police blotter: "A 34-year-old man was cited Monday for calling police three times to report he was unable to have a bowel movement."

  • Sioux City Journal, Sioux City, Iowa / story: "Subaru debuts all-new 36 mph 2012 Impreza"

  • Wilmington StarNews, Wilmington, North Carolina / classified: "LOST: Solid Gray Kitten, male, looks like a cat..."

  • Peterborough This Week, Peterborough, Ontario / Pet Supply Warehouse® ad: "Natural Balance Ultra Premium Canned Cat" (picture shows tuna cans)

  • Millerton News, Millerton, New York / photojournalism: "The rare blue moon appeared Friday, Aug. 31." (not a hint of blue to be seen)

  • Ponca City News, Ponca City, Oklahoma / police blotter: "Magazine Munchies — An employee at a laundry... called Ponca City Police ... to report an intoxicated man eating magazines."

  • Chetek Alert, Chetek, Wisconsin / police blotter: "Officer reports that he is out with a vehicle on trail... reports three subjects were out there reading poetry and he advised the male subject to put his pants back on."

  • The Wenatchee World, Wenatchee, Wisconsin / police blotter: "Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state. The victim asked, 'Why are you carrying a weasel?' Police said the attacker answered, 'It's not a weasel, it's a marten,' then punched him in the nose and fled.' (farther down) 'A marten is a member of the weasel family.' "
••• Hugh Jackman, who comes out as Abe Lincoln, hoping for some Daniel Day-Lewis Oscar votes, visits with Dave about Les Miserables. ••• [Europe is going nuts over the revelation that horsemeat has been sneaked into restaurant food.] We see the doctored clip of a cow doing a horse neigh. ••• outside cam to Hello Deli and Rupert /
(Dave): "Has the European horse meat scandal affected your business?

(Rupert): "No, 'cause we no longer serve horse meat."

(Dave): "Well, I'm very happy to hear that, Rupert. Thank you. That's good to hear."

(Rupert's business partner, Mae, comes out and whispers): "Except for the chili."

(Rupert): "Oh... except for the chili."

(Dave): "Right."

(CBSO): big joke punchline fanfare

(Dave): Rupert Jee, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Sound Effects Guy Freestyle" (slide whistles, etc.) ••• Zosia Mamet plugs Girls. ••• The Americans sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Mr. Moe Howard

2/21/13 [3812]: It's time for an update on the European horsemeat-in-restaurant-food scandal. / video: a cow with a horse neigh ••• interruption: Through the miracle of green screens, it's a promo for a new CBS offering, Pat's House, Wednesdays at 9:30 P.M. ET on CBS. /

(Dave): "Oh, look! Hey! Look! It's... it's Pat Farmer. Pat, what're you doin'? Pat?"

(Pat, overlaid on the bottom third of the screen): "Oh, hi Dave. I'm promoting my new CBS show, Pat's House."

(Dave): "Ah."

(Pat): "It's on Wednesdays at 9:30 P.M."

(Dave): "Right."

(Pat, turning): "Someone toss me a rope."

(FX): A rope promptly appears, and Pat disappears to the rafters.

(Dave): "The stupidest thing I've ever seen."

••• Here's a Late Show look back in history. It's a clip of Sen. Marco Rubio trying to sneak a drink of H2O during his Republican response to the State of the Union. ••• It's the premiere of "We Didn't See That Coming." / video:
(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(WAPT 16 News anchor): "A class action lawsuit has been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines..."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• We go live to the red carpet at the Academy Awards. I didn't see this one coming down Broadway, but I'm proud that I got the joke right away. / video: We see activity, but as if it's through a telescope. That's right. It's Thursday, and the red carpet hasn't been unrolled yet. ••• "Academy Awards Snubs Throughout History" / video:
(title graphic and awards ceremony music)

(voice-over): "Martin Sheen: Apocalypse Now." (clip)

(voice-over): "Spike Lee: Do the Right Thing." (clip)

(voice-over): "Serdar Kebabcilar: Turkish Rambo." (martial arts movie clip, with Japanese sound FX)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Academy Awards Snubs Throughout History.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Trivia Trivia": "Trivia was invented in 1858 by Greek historian Stavros Triviopoulos." ••• Dave's latest name for the CBSO: "Paul Shaffer and the Paul Shaffer Symphonette" ••• "Stupid Human Tricks" /
  1. Michael Dubois from Brooklyn, via Horseheads, New York — Michael bounces a large ball on his head, while jumping rope. It's an outstanding stunt.

  2. Chris Clark of Bloomfield Hills, Michigan and Ken Krakat from Dearborn Heights, Michigan (repeat SHT performers from 11/12/08) — Chris emcees and coaches while Ken sticks his bald noggin in the tub of a large cotton candy machine, as the CBSO plays "Raspberry Beret." The result is a sort of Albert Einstein-looking head of white hair. Spectacular!

  3. Colton Gammel from Houston, Texas — Colton successfully drinks a 16.9-ounce bottle of water in less than 1 second. (He instantly crushes the bottle to create the needed pressure.)
••• Johnny Depp plugs The Lone Ranger. While he often has a lead role, this time Johnny will play Tonto. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "If My TV Could Talk" (Alan's TV would tell him to put some clothes on.) ••• Bill Carter joins Johnny Depp's interview after the commercial break. Johnny has long played guitar, and this segment is more about music. ••• Bill Carter and The Blame, with special guest Johnny Depp (on guitar) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Ken Krakat's cotton candy toupee

2/22/13 [3813]: Dave puts himself in a headlock, in response to someone's preshow question. ••• Dave's been picking on the Chinese this week for hacking this and that. It's epidemic and extreme. / video:

A production staffer, Mike Leech, is in a break room. He places a bag of popcorn in a microwave oven. Seconds later, a giant, white Chinese food box of popcorn is produced. He screams, "Nooooooo."

(stamped onscreen): "HACKED"

••• "Academy Awards Snubs Throughout History" / video:
(title graphic and awards ceremony music)

(voice-over): "Humphrey Bogart: Casablanca." (clip)

(voice-over): "Mia Farrow: Rosemary's Baby." (clip)

(voice-over): "Cüneyt Arkin: Turkish Star Wars." (shirtless guy kicks a rock... rock hits a bigger rock and explodes)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Academy Awards Snubs Throughout History.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dave says there's a movie coming out that's already bringing talk of an Academy Award in 2014. We watch the trailer. /
(clip from Hope Springs): Meryl Streep, holding a book entitled Great Marriage, Open Marriage

(voice-over): "Sometimes your relationship needs a kick start."

(Meryl, thinking to herself): "I want a real marriage again."

(Jean Smart): "I think for that to happen, you're willing to risk everything, just to shake things up."

(Steve Carell, computer video): "It's not impossible, and it's not too late."

(voice-over): "Something that takes you out of your comfort zone."

(Steve Carell, with Meryl Streep and Pope Benedict XVI): "I'm so glad you're here."

(Pope Benedict XVI wisecracks): "That makes one of us."

(voice-over and graphic): "Pope Springs: It's time for this Pope to get his second calling. Coming Soon."

••• "People Who Won't Be Elected Pope" / video:
(Some guy beats his head with a plastic toy bat.)

(voice-over): "This has been 'People Who Won't Be Elected Pope.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Word Scramble" ••• desk chat:
Dave's delighted when members of the cast develop their own shows. Tony Mendez has been involved with many failed projects over the years.

(Tony): "The show is called Delis, Food Carts and Pizza Joints. I go around, and I sample the food in New York City."

(Tony drives up to the camera on 53rd St.): "I'm Tony Mendez, and we're rolling out, looking for New York's greatest delis, food carts and pizza joints."

(title graphic)

(outside shot): Famous Amadeus Pizza restaurant, 840 8th Avenue

(We watch a pizza cook at work.)

(Tony): "Today I'm at Famous Amadeus Pizzaria in New York City, where my buddy, Sal, is gonna let me try a slice of his Meatrific pizza. My mouth is watering, just thinking about it! What's in the pizza, Sal?"

(Sal): "Oh, we've got meatballs, pepperoni, sausage..."

(Tony interrupts Sal and digs in.): "Oh, sounds great!"

(nom nom nom)

(Tony, turning to leave): "Thanks, Sal. That was great!"

(Sal, reaching over the counter to grab Tony): "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. You didn't pay for that."

(Tony): "But I'm in a TV show!"

(Sal): "Hey! Pay for that, before I kick your ass!"

(Tony's had enough. He grabs a bottle of wine off a display, and smashes it over Sal's head. Sal falls to the floor, presumably dead... or at least with a bad headache.)

(Tony, to the customers): "You didn't see nothin'!"

(outtakes): 1. Michael Z. McIntee Heimlichs Tony outside. 2. We see Tony engulfed in flames.

(credits roll)

(Dave): "Wow! You see what I'm sayin'? Congratulations, Tony. You really should be in prison."

(me): I expect this is a spoof of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives on the Food Channel. I'd never heard of it until I was working on tonight's episode log, and happened to notice it on the cable TV line-up.

••• Top Ten Questions on the Academy Awards Seat Filler Application ••• desk chat: Dave asks Paul about The Stroll, a 1950s line dance, once seen on American Bandstand. ••• Luke Wilson plugs Enlightened. First, however, he wants to talk about Sherman Grossman, the sneezing monkey. (video) Dave runs the clip three times. ••• desk chat: Dave has a blue card, and follows up on "The Stroll." The song of the same name was performed by The Diamonds. •••
Last week was big for space junk, with a 100-year meteorite in the Ural Mountains of Russia, and an asteroid fly-by. Laura Ehrlich (OK... Jude Brennan) acquired a nice collection of pieces of the meteorite, and she joins Dave. Amazingly, every single one of the space rocks reminds her of celebrities. She has:
  • Christopher Plummer (split screen / Nope... just a rock.)

  • Tom Selleck (split screen / nope... just a rock, even after it's turned right side up)

  • Tom Selleck, without his mustache (split screen / Nope... just a rock.)

    (Dave): "Uh, you know... this one I'm really... I'm kinda takin' your word on this one. I don't really see it."

    (Laura): "You'd be surprised how many tell me this."

  • Alan Arkin (split screen / Yup! / a spitting image!)

••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club" (Late Show trading card): Barack Obama ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a shot of Alan Kalter enjoying a handful of $1 bills ••• Dave Mintz does stand-up. ••• Imagine Dragons sing. ••• partial credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/25/13 [3814]: "First Time Applauding?" / video: At the Academy Awards last night, a lady on the front row applauded by banging on her small purse. •••

We all know the Academy Awards show goes on too long. The Argo gang's onstage, getting their Oscars, when one of the producers, I guess, starts a speech. / doctored video: Some guy walks onstage, grabs the microphone stand and breaks it over his raised thigh. The celebrities in the audience are stunned.
••• Ben Affleck played CIA agent Tony Mendez in Argo. (No... not our Tony Mendez.) Anyway, CIA Tony Mendez helped get six people out of Iran in 1980. LSDL Tony Mendez guides six audience members safely out through the back doors. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Academy Awards recap

  2. Dave begins rambling on about late night talk shows. Eventually he gets to his point, which is what he's doing to set the Late Show apart from the others. If you guessed installation of a vibrating desk, you are correct, sir (or madam). We get a demo of the desk, which is really hopping around.

  3. Jennifer Lawrence won Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role for Silver Linings Playbook, which she plugged on LSDL on 1/15/13. Unfortunately, she tripped enroute to the stage to collect the Oscar. Dave says Jennifer has a lawsuit vs. Christian Dior, her dress designer.

••• Top Ten Pope Benedict Achievements ••• desk chat: It's more fun with the vibrating desk. •••
Alec Baldwin plugs his Broadway play, Orphans, opening this spring at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre, 236 West 45th St. Hey... that's almost next door to Junior's, one of my favorite places! Alec's become one of my favorite guests on the show. He also tells about narrating Eye Rhymes, by John de Cuevas.
••• going to commercial: We see Alec's wife, Hilaria, in the green room. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Let's Wake Dozing Home Viewers" / This is a brand new segment. Alan has some big cymbals, which he smacks to wake us up. ••• desk chat:
Dave's hearing that Cardinal Timothy Dolan's in the house. Isn't it about time for him to head to the Vatican? Oh... there he is. Suddenly he's all over the place, tossing Dolan for Pope t-shirts to delighted audience members, as the CBS Orchestra plays Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll, Part 2."
••• Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell sing (accompanied by Will Lee, Paul Shaffer and Sid McGinnis). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/26/13 [3815]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Mumbai. It didn't register because it used to be called Bombay. ••• The White House has released official portraits. Dave says, "But you can see the White House portrait of Hillary Clinton. It'll be on next month's cover of the Sports Illustrated Pantsuit Issue." Remember back in George W.'s administration? They had the Dick Cheney portrait, and his eyes would follow you. / animation: Dick's eyes move from side to side. / Will Lee's "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream ••• "Get to Know the Sequester" / video:

(title graphic over the U.S. Capitol / dramatic music)

(voice-over): "Pre-sequester. Lincoln Memorial." (outside shot, looking excellent)

(voice-over): "Post-sequester. Lincoln's statue is laid off."

(animation): Abe rises from his marble seat and takes a powder.

(voice-over): " 'Get to Know the Sequester.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Daylight Saving Time Preview": We see a modern quartz clock, set to 1:00. If we watch patiently, we'll see the hour hand move to 2:00. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave wants to talk about root canals. They're high on the list of medical procedures that won't kill you, but you dread the most. Dave says he had one about 10 years ago, and it was fine. Guess what! Dave had one last night. He reports that it was fast, painless, fun and easy. "Get one, and get one for the kids," Dave advises. Dave visited an endodontist. It was time for the needle. It looked long to him, but he didn't care. Nothin' scares him. Dave shows us how long the needle was... apparently about four inches. He didn't care. He's been around veterinarians. Then Dave starts giving us sound effects from the needle in action. OK... now it's time for the "dastardly deed," as my own dentist calls it. The needle's lined up on his gum. Right then, the building fire alarm goes off. "Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah." The dentist jumps. The needle goes into Dave's right nostril. It then pierces the back side of his sinus cavity, and subsequently enters his brain. The dentist has now shot three tablespoons of Lidocaine™ (or Novocaine™, depending on where we are in the story). (Me: This is a very advanced dentist, as he measures medication by tablespoons... none of that antiquated milliliter or c.c. stuff for him.) "Wow," Dave says. "I just made that up as a story to tell you folks," Dave says.

  2. Dave throws a blue card at the backdrop. What? No sound effects? No smashed glass? Dave checks with audio guy Gary Kiffel. He happens to ask yes or no questions, and quickly realizes he's getting either the official Late Show yes bell or no buzzer in response. Well... that, and the E. D. slide whistle.
••• Top Ten Countries According to Secretary of State John Kerry ••• Joan Rivers plugs Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best, a We TV offering. ••• desk chat: Dave engages Paul in a discussion of the ooga chaka song, B. J. Thomas's "Hooked on a Feeling," from 1969. Naturally, Paul knows all about it. •••
Pope Benedict XVI is leaving in a few days. Dave says they've been trying to book him on the Late Show, but no luck. Rachael Ray got him, however. There's still good news. The Vatican has sent one of his Pope hats, and it's right here on our stage. It's the premiere of "Ask the Papal Mitre." Dave begins his visit, but the mitre tragically catches fire moments later.
••• Act 5: There's no audience pan. Instead, we have a few words with Alan, on camera. ••• Jimmie Johnson, Daytona 500 winner, visits with Dave, and he has his trophy with him. ••• Kendrick Lamar raps. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

2/27/13 [3816]: Google Glasses seem to be the next big thing. Dave says they're not going about promoting them the right way. / Google eyeglasses ad / video:

(clips): We see the world through Google Glasses. There's a weather report. Then there's a sandwich.

(clip): Well, now. We see Dave's point. It's Todd Seda, assistant cue card technician, with what we hope and pray is a spoof. He's wearing giant goggles. Attached to his head (and who knows how) is a laptop computer. There's an antenna. A rat's nest of wires completes the look.

(Todd): "This thing is AWESOME!"

(graphic): a mini logo: g.co/projectglass, followed by the Google logo

••• Our friend, Pope Benedict XVI, was recently fired from poping. Don't worry... he has a brand new job. / video: The ex-Pope's cooking up a storm at the Vatican City Benihana. Those little shrimpies are flying all over the place. And... the papal mitre makes a happenin' chef's hat. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Late Show DVD Pick of the Week": (picture of a CD) "This one!" ••• It's been a while, but there's a call on the 1974 DAVE phone. It's former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, through the miracle of audio editing. Here we go:
(Dave): "Uh, Secretary Clinton, are you there?"

(Hillary): "David Letterman?"

(Dave): "Nice to talk to ya. How are you, Hillary?"

(Hillary): "I'm doin' great!"

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, do you have any lingering effects from your recent health scare?"

(Hillary, laughing): "There's a lot of things I can't remember... from yesterday!"

(Dave): "Now, how have you been spending your time since you stepped down as Secretary of State?"

(Hillary): "TiVo®!"

(Dave): "Oh... so do you and your husband, Bill... do you watch with Bill?"

(Hillary): "The only TV he ever saw was Baywatch and World Wide Wrestling."

(Dave): "Uh huh. Well, that's nice. And were you able to see a little bit of the Academy Awards?"

(Hillary): "Sure."

(Dave): "Uh huh. What... tell me this... 'member when they announced Jennifer Lawrence as the winner... Best Actress... and she took a little tumble there? Did you see that?"

(Hillary): "The President and I had a good laugh the other night."

(Dave): "Yeah. But you don't have to worry about tripping when you wear the pantsuits, right?"

(Hillary): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

(Dave, laughing): "Now, uh, I'm gonna ask you... I'm gonna put you on the spot here, Hillary. I'm gonna ask you a question you probably don't want to hear. Uhhhhhhh."

(Hillary): "Don't you dare!"

(Dave): "OK. Now listen, I have to ask it, anyway. Uh... is... after you've had some time off, have you thought about what you will do next?"

(Hillary): "Sliming fish."

(Dave): "Huh? I'm sorry. Sliming fish... is that cleaning fish?"

(Hillary): "It is cleaning fish. It's exhilarating!"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Paul): laughing

(Dave): "Alright, Hillary. This has been very insightful, but I don't want to keep you. Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us."

(Hillary): "Thank you, and happy holidays."

(dial tone)

(Dave): "OK. Thank you. Hillary Clinton."

••• Top Ten Amish-Themed Television Shows •••

Dave, being very modest, has a three-minute-long desk chat, claiming that Tina Fey saved his life, by virtue of her tribute at the Kennedy Center Honors telecast. ••• Tina Fey plugs Admission. She plays an admissions official at Princeton University. I'm not quite sure how a writer ever happens to come up with this as a movie plot, but we all know Tina will make the most of it.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a shout out to Alan's friend, Benny (Pope Benedict XVI, that is) ••• Jesse Tyler Ferguson plugs Modern Family. He's wearing quite a sporty bow tie. Dave persuades him to undo it, and try to tie it again, without benefit of a mirror. Apparently Jesse is involved with thetiebar.com. ••• Solange sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of Todd Seda wearing that laptop computer

2/28/13: REPEAT FROM 1/14/13

3/01/13: REPEAT FROM 2/14/13

3/04/13: REPEAT FROM 2/12/13

3/05/13: REPEAT FROM 1/16/13

3/06/13: REPEAT FROM 1/28/13

3/07/13: REPEAT FROM 1/15/13

3/08/13: REPEAT FROM 1/31/13

3/11/13 [3817]: "Local News Highlight" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

(KTLA 5 anchor): "The Marathon Goddess" is gonna be here in the studio with us, to tell us more about the motivation behind her goal."

(another KTLA guy): "Hi, guys. I just met her. Yeah. Fantastic. She has some nice titties. Alright... tennis shoes."

(title graphic)

••• interruption:
Pat Farmer comes out. We switched to Daylight Saving Time yesterday. He advances the official studio clock.

(Dave): "Thanks, Pat, but you know, I think that clock had been adjusted already."

(Pat): "I know, Dave. I just thought I could get us out of here a little quicker."

••• Cardinals are arriving at the Vatican to select a new pope. We see a clip of them in their red and black outfits. What? Now we see quite a large group of them skydiving in a round formation. ••• Tiger Woods won the WGC-Cadillac tournament in Florida over the weekend. / CBS Sports video:
(aerial view): Tiger swings. The camera follows the ball down the fairway. We see a group of palm trees.

(FX): A coconut falls from a tree, then rolls across the green, landing squarely on the hole.

(clip): a reaction shot from Tiger

(closing credits): Gilligan's Island

(Dave): "That makes no sense."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "What I Learned This Weekend": "You're supposed to change the hands on the clock... not the numbers." ••• desk chat:
Dave reminds us that he's a very thoughtful individual. He's very introspective. He enjoys frequent and lengthy ruminations. He says, "I do not draw an ill-considered breath." Now from Dave, the one-man think tank, comes a lesson. He reaches for an art pad and a Sharpie®, and diagrams recent international events, in the form of an isosceles triangle:
  1. The retirement of Pope Benedict XVI (designated by PB), is at the apex.

  2. Hugo Chavez (designed by H.C.) kicking the bucket (designated by D.D. for dropped dead) is at another angle.

  3. Last week, Joy Behar announced that she is leaving The View (designated on the third angle with J.B.).

Dave: "If somebody out there watching tonight can prove to me, indisputably, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that these three things are not related," (14-second pause), "I will give you $100."

(Paul, laughing): "OK. Fair enough. Fair enough, sir."

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• interruption:
One of Bill DeLace's security guys appears at Dave's desk. He says, "I just need to pat you down, please." Dave rises and complies, for everybody's good, and for the safety of Mayor Bloomberg. With the procedure complete, he says, "I'm not with the mayor's office. I'm just a very big fan of the show."
••• [Google has teamed with Adidas on a prototype of shoes containing a computer and a speaker on the tongue of the shoe, that can yell motivation at you when you're being lazy, or encourage you when you're being active.] / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Sneakers ••• desk chat: It's back to the art pad. By the right side of the triangle, Dave adds and circles "talking shoes." ••• Mayor Michael Bloomberg attempts to justify several of his Big Brother edicts. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for the Depeche Mode "Live on Letterman" concert online ••• desk chat: Dave says that someday, Mayor Bloomberg is going to give away a whole lot of money. He then informs us, "I have a different plan." ••• Alan Kalter has something interesting and fun for us.
(Alan): "Well, all human beings are covered in Demodex mites." (microscope photo)

(cue music): "Price Is Right" theme song

(Alan, continuing): "That's right. Under a half a millimeter long, Demodex mites are some of the smallest arthropods known to science. They live in our hair shafts, and survive by eating skin cells that accumulate in the follicles. Researchers believe we may carry up to one... trillion... parasitic... organisms on our bodies at all times! Back to you, Dave!"

••• "Backstage Photo Club" / Tonight's trading card is producer Brian Teta with Shaquille O'Neal. Collect 'em all! ••• Depeche Mode sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Depeche Mode does a live webcast at 8 ET.]

3/12/13 [3818]: [The History Channel has produced a series, The Bible, for 2013.] / Here's a preview.

(scene): a burning bush

(voice of James Earl Jones as God): "Moses, you must free my people from Pharaoh's tyranny."

(Moses): "But how can I set them free?"

(God): "Go to Pharaoh, and tell him..."

(FX): Touch Tone tones

(God): "Hold on. Someone's on the extension."

(God): "Hey, Jesus. I'm tryin' to talk on the bush here." (pause) "Well, why don't you use that fancy cellular bush I bought you?"

(God): "Listen, Moses, I gotta go. I'll catch ya later."

(FX): God hangs up. / dial tone

(title graphic): "The Bible"

••• Dennis Rodman visited Kim Jong-Un, and made a movie. / video:
(clip): Dennis Rodman

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "An unconventional cop with a flare for destruction..."

(Rodman): "I kinda like trouble."

(Alan Kalter voice-over): "...takes out an international arms dealer, and only one man can help him succeed."

(action clips)

(Alan): "Rodman. Un. UN-STOPPABLE. Your supreme leader is now your supreme action hero. Coming soon."

••• out of nowhere: "Conclave 2013" graphic (x2) ••• silly stuff: Tony Mendez has an assortment of giant playing card cue cards, or whatever they're supposed to be. Be sure to collect the entire set when they come to your area. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Late Show Poll Results": 67% yes, 26% no, 3% no opinion ••• desk chat:
Dave reaches for the DAVE phone. He calls the Vatican for the Papal Conclave.

(Bill DeLace, as somebody important at the Vatican): "Yeah, Conclave."

(Dave): "Who is this?"

(Bill): "Cardinal Scola. Who the hell is this?"

(Dave): "I'm Dave Letterman. I'm calling from New York City!"

(Bill): "No kiddin! Hang on, I'm gonna put you on speaker."

(Dave): "How's the Conclave going? Anybody emerged as the front-runner?"

(Bill): "Well, there's a couple of votes for Scola, a couple of votes for Dolan, and some wiseass wrote in Joe Pesci."

(Dave): "Uh, have you guys been able to agree on anything yet?"

(new guy's voice): "Yeah, we agreed that Kate Hupton isn't hot... she's red hot! Am I right, guys?"

(me): That's how the pronunciation of Kate Upton sounded to me, anyway.

(guys yelling)

(somebody): (garbled) "on the show tonight?"

(Dave): "Steve Carell is on the program. He's very good."

(somebody): "Hey, can you get him to sign my DVD, Crazy, Stupid, Love.?"

(Dave): "Yes, I'll see what I can do. Good luck..."

(Dave gets hung up on.)

••• We'll see Dave call for a do-over of this segment, beginning with the CBSO playing out of commercial. The second try isn't any better. ••• Dave gives it a third try. No luck. All three tries made it to air, reminding us of the Late Night years. (video) ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Attempting to Live to 150 ••• Steve Carell plugs The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Emilia Clarke plugs her Broadway play, Breakfast at Tiffany's. It opens on March 20 at the Cort Theatre, 138 West 48th St. ••• Josh Ritter sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/13/13 [3819]: [Big news from the Vatican today: Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76, will be Pope Francis. He is from Argentina.] ••• Dave has a clip of Pope Francis making his first appearance. / video: There's smoke coming from his pope hat. ••• out of nowhere: Conclave 2013 graphic ••• "House Budget Chairman Paul Ryan: Well Said" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(Senator Ryan C-SPAN clip): "This, to us, is something that we're not gonna give up on, because we're not gonna give up on destroying the health care system for the American people."

(title graphic)

••• Here's something Paul Shaffer might call a conceptual piece. (video): We see Pope Benedict XVI stroll onto a tropical beach. He removes his papal vestments, revealing a swimming suit underneath. A hand from offscreen kindly moves a Corono Extra® bottle between the camera and the elderly sunbather. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave's sure there's quite a party underway tonight at the Vatican City Hooters®.

  2. Pope Francis should come on the Late Show. Mitt Romney wouldn't, but the pope has a chance to do the right thing.
••• "New Books"
  • Hillary Clinton: Foreigners Are Idiots: My Four Years as Secretary of State

  • The Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Birds That Wear Hats

  • E L James: Fifty Shades of Shades

  • Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel: What to Expect When You're Expectorating

  • Collector's Guide to Previous Editions of the Collector's Guide (9th Edition)

  • Bill Pullman: For the Last Time, I'm Not Bill Paxton

  • Charles Dickens' audio book: Great Expectations with Incongruous Sound Effects

  • Bruce Allsmith: Overlooked Invention of the Wright Brothers: The Bench (on the beach next to the Wright Flyer I)

  • Robert Ludlum: The Bourne Colonoscopy

  • Julian Fellowes: Downton Rabbi
••• Top Ten Rejected Pope Names / 7. Pope Sixteen the Eleventh, 2. Sponge Pope Big Hat •••
Jim Carrey plugs The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, his new offering with Steve Carell. My, oh my, Jim came with material tonight. It was a very good segment. Jim comes out in a pair of gigantic gag feet (bare, of course). He takes the liberty of propping a foot on Dave's desk and grooming it from time to time. From the looks of those things, they need all the help they can get. There are fungi in the house. Eventually Jim calls Biff Henderson onstage. Through the miracle of FX, we see Biff's image change slightly. This effect, Jim says, is Champagne Supernova. Don't bother trying to understand it. I appreciate it when a guest comes with material.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jim Carrey's final segment ••• Richard Thompson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/14/13 [3820]: Because it's digital and hasn't worn out yet: Conclave 2013 graphic (x 2) ••• a photo from January: the duct-taped Icelandair passenger ••• Businessman Peter Ehrlich has developed Sex Cereal, with versions for men and women. Everyone's going to try to capitalize on it. Look at this ad for Honey Nut Cheerios. / video:

(clip): lady at home in the morning

(animated bee): "Good morning! You want to start the day with something healthy and delicious?"

(lady): "You're a talking bee."

(bee): "A talking bee, with a sexually-charged new cereal."

(lady): "And it tastes good."

(bee, flying around): "It tastes good, and... I can make you feel even better!"

(lady): "Wow."

(bee): "Honey Nut Cheerios. Wanna see my stinger?"

••• CBS has jumped on the pope bandwagon. There's a pope-based theme show for next year. / video:
(Vatican chimney with black smoke)

(voice-over): "Black smoke. No new pope."

(Vatican chimney with white smoke)

(voice-over): "White smoke. A new pope has been elected."

(Vatican chimney with green smoke)

(voice-over): "Green smoke. They've elected... Hulk Pope."

(FX): action scene with The Incredible Hulk wearing a papal mitre.

(voice-over): "Hulk Pope: Coming this fall to CBS."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Twinkie Fun Fact": "The filling in Twinkies is the same substance used to embalm the body of Hugo Chavez. Tell your friends!" ••• Here's a brand new, exciting segment that everyone in the family can enjoy: "Gaucho Pope." Pope Francis is Italian, but has been in Argentina for a long time. / outside cam: Pope Francis is seen riding a horse down Broadway. Stay tuned for much more. ••• Tony Mendez promos his latest project, "Tony Does His Taxes." (Dave claims he's close to 80. Certainly not! Tony was born on 3/27/45.) / video:
(Dave): "Tell us about your little show, Tony."

(Tony): "Well you know, Dave, the wife used to do our taxes, but we separated."

(Dave): "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

(Tony): "Anyway...")

(Paul, laughing his ass off): "But seriously..."

(Tony): "Wait. I've got a segment all ready. Uh, and I always had so much trouble with it... makin' the taxes... doin' the taxes, and this year I went to a professional."

(Dave): "Oh, professional tax..."

(Tony): "Yes. So... roll it, Hal."

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(Tony, in a tax pro's office): "Here's my W-2 form. Here's something about the interest on my bank account, the mortgage on my apartment. Here's some receipt. I'm sorry I wasn't more organized, but it's all there."

(tax pro): "I don't do taxes." (The shot widens, revealing stuffed animals.) "I'm a taxidermist."

(FX): horror movie stinger

(Tony): "I thought you were just a weird accountant. I'll take the armadillo. Wrap it up!"

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

••• Gaucho Pope ••• Top Ten Biblical Television Shows ••• Gaucho Pope ••• Gaucho Pope again (No one outside seems to care.) ••• Gerard Butler plugs Olympus Has Fallen. ••• Gaucho Pope ••• Gaucho Pope is receiving some sort of ticket from a uniformed officer (a.k.a. Wahoo Mike McIntee). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "I was in your basement, and I found evidence of termites. Never mind why I was in your basement." ••• Elizabeth Cook interview ••• Elizabeth Cook sings, with members of the Georgia Southern University Marching Band. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: It's Gaucho Pope outside with a Georgia Southern band member, each wearing the other's hat.

3/15/13 [3821]: monologue: "You folks excited about St. Patrick's Day, by the way? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." ••• There's a new celebrity diving show. / video:

(clips): divers, including Louie Anderson and Kendra Wilkinson

(voice-over): "If you thought celebrity diving competition Splash! wasn't intense enough, then we have a show for you! These 10 celebrities are about to take a dive from three stories up, into an empty, Olympic-size pool."

(clip): diver, on the way down

(FX): SPLAT!

(diver): "Ughhh."

(voice-over): "Splat! Thursdays at nine. Only on Fox."

(Fox graphic)

••• monologue: "Today... more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burnin' some pizza boxes." ••• Dave saw an unusual commercial today. / video:
(photo): exterior of a P.C. Richard & Son store

(voice-over): "March Madness is heating up at P.C. Richard & Son. Check out our sizzling hot deals on HDTVs, washers, dryers, vacuums... just about everything in the store. And come meet TV's Batman, Adam West and Former Pope Benedict the 16th, at our Linwood, New Jersey location."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Pope Benedict will not be signing autographs."

(voice-over): "P.C. Richard & Son: We appliance you!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "St. Patrick's Day Did You Know?": "In 1925, George Nichols of Brooklyn became the first person to become sick after drinking too much green beer. Now watch this." ••• Bruce and Linda preview Showbiz Weekend. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. It's a St. Patrick's Day Showbiz Weekend, so we set our sights on a famous Irish-American. I had a traditional corned beef and cabbage lunch with the Lord of the Dance himself, Michael Flatley."

(Bruce): "Did he teach you some steps?"

(Linda): "Well, I wouldn't let him leave until he did!"

(Bruce): "That's our Linda. I'll be visiting Beverly Hills optician Merle Cohen, who'll give us the skinny on which of your favorite stars are nearsighted, farsighted or perfect 20/20."

(Linda): "And our own R. J. Spangler is on the Broadway beat, with a look at the hottest shows' souvenir drinking cups. Now you can bring cocktails right back to your seats!"

(Bruce): "Cheers to Broadway! All that, plus 'Remembering Buddy Ebson,' acing your reality show audition, and we uncover the missing Judd. Tomorrow, on Showbiz Weekend."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you kids. How about that? Showbiz Weekend!"

(Paul): "It looks like a winner!"

(Dave): "It's got "hit" written all over it."

••• Ten construction workers, Joe Trimble (or Trimboli), Hasley Derosena, Phil Ducatelli, Eric McIntire, Felicia McIntosh, Dave Bolger, Ana Taveras, Nicholas Milazzo, Barrie Smith and Richard D'Andrea, present the Top Ten Construction Worker Pet Peeves. / 8. People see me in a hard hat, and think it's okay to throw stuff at my head. / 4. Learning that one of your favorite traffic cones was run over. / Dave calls for three do-overs for Barrie's "Having to shut down a construction site to read ten lame jokes." He eventually nails it. •••
Seth Meyers plugs Saturday Night Live, and his gig at the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas. He has a great story about being insulted by Don Rickles in Las Vegas when he approached him to introduce himself.

Rickles rolled his eyes and said, "You're going to have to give me a second. I'm rarely this excited to meet someone. You're still on Saturday Night Live?"

(Seth): "I am."

(Rickles): "I'm sorry to hear it got canceled."

(Seth): "It didn't get canceled."

(Rickles, rolling eyes): "A guy can dream."

Seth's disappointed that SNL was off when the new pope was selected. The pope's the only adult who gets to change his name, other than rappers, the pope and Ron Artest. If they'd waited one more year, Bloomberg might have gotten it, because no one loves rules more than Bloomberg than Catholics.

••• interruption:
A waiter appears with an order of food, and lays out the items on Dave's command module.

(waiter): "OK... let's see... some loaded-up potato skins, tostado nachos, extra guac, Tuscan chicken flatbread and a dozen boneless medium buffalo wings."

(Dave): "Wow. Look at that!"

(waiter): "If there's anything else I can get you, my name's Brandon."

(Dave): "OK, now, Brandon, uh, hi. This is great, but you know, I didn't order any of this."

(waiter): "Are you sure?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Pretty sure. Sure. I'm not... I'm not even hungry."

(waiter): "Look, I'm sorry. Rodney called out sick so I'm covering his tables for the lunch rush."

(Dave): "Oh. Well, that's fine. I hope Rodney's OK."

(FX): bell rings

(waiter, about to leave): "Yeah. Oh! Gotta go, and I'll be right back with that Bud Light®."

(Dave): "Right. Brandon, I don't... I'm sorry. I don't... I don't drink."

(waiter): "Oh. OK."

(Dave): "OK, thanks."

(Dave, to Paul): "I don't know."

(Paul): "I like those loaded-up potato skins."

(Dave, laughing): "Well, come on. Help yourself. Make sure the band gets plenty, too. Here... I'll just pass these around."

••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club": It's Mike Buczkiewicz with Michelle Obama. Collect 'em All! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Best of luck to my parakeet, Leonard, who's undergoing sexual reassignment surgery this weekend." ••• Demetri Martin does stand-up, promoting his book of drawings, Point Your Face at This. / Demetri: "Last time on vacation, I went snorkeling / slash / surprise, drinking a lot of water through a giant straw." ••• desk chat: Out of commercial, Paul's playing a harmonica. Dave claims he gave it to Paul on his 11th birthday. ••• Dropkick Murphys sing. They're from Boston, but their music definitely sounds Irish. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/18/13 [3822]: Papal Inauguration 2013 graphic (x 2) ••• monologue: What on earth is Dave talking about? Oh, of course. Tony Mendez is holding a giant NCAA tournament bracket cue card. ••• Papal Inauguration 2013 graphic ••• It's a new segment: "Ovation of the Night." We're instructed to use our powers of concentration. / video:

(title graphic and upbeat music)

(Sen. Kelly Ayotte, R-NH, on C-SPAN): "But make no mistake. Al qaeda is very much alive."

(no ovation, but we'll count the two audible claps)

(title graphic and upbeat music)

••• [Scientists in Australia cloned an extinct frog, Rheobatrachus silus.] This frog has the distinction of giving birth via its mouth. / video: The froggy gives birth to a miniature frog. Three seconds later, the frog grabs its child with its sticky tongue and eats it. What I want to know is, where was the tadpole? ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
(Dave): "Paul, what's more trouble, kids or pets?"

(Paul): "Pets, absolutely. Oh, they take over the entire household!"

(Dave starts listing animal species): "Vole, skunk, honey badger, Canada goose..."

(Paul catches on fast): "Yes, I know. The category is 'things your dog has snapped the neck of, and killed, and brought into the house.' "

(FX): Late Show 'yes' bell

(Dave): "I was kidding about the honey badger. Vole, two skunks, one Canada goose we believe did not kill... just retrieved... chicken (three chickens). He's killed more chickens than the Colonel!" (rim shot from Anton) "The big one, that will put him in the Hall of Fame: deer. Well, to this list you can add groundhog."

Dave eventually got Sully off the groundhog (or was it a Greyhound) carcass. Then it's a trip to the vet to see about rabies. No, we won't be treating the groundhog's broken neck. (video)

••• Top Ten New Carnival Cruise Ship Names ••• bumper: the mad-dog picture of Sully ••• out of commercial: Dave shows a photo of a groundhog wearing a neck brace. ••• Selena Gomez plugs Spring Breakers. Dave gives Selena high marks for her quick comeback about her famous ex, Justin Bieber. (video) •••
out of nowhere: Dave begins participating in a live auction, occurring in parts unknown. He keeps upping his big-time bids. Yes! Dave has won the auction for antique doll furniture, for a cool $55,000.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "What They'd Look Like if They Looked Like Dennis Farina": Matt Damon, that's who ••• Bay Area Bob Sarlatte (with his real hair) is back for another fun visit. ••• Killer Mike (with special guests Scar and El-P) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/19/13 [3823]: Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days of lock-up rehab. / "Things Lindsay Lohan Will Miss While in Rehab" / video:

(title graphic)

(photo): Staples Center

(voice-over): "Sunday, April 7th, at the Staples Center. It's the Poorly-Guarded Jewelry Expo. Open bar!"

(me): That was a good one!

(title graphic)

••• monologue:
"The pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate: of course, the poor, the indigent... compassion for them, the oppressed... urging compassion for them. Also, Carnival Cruise passengers."
••• The pope is everywhere. / video: Pawn Stars: Pope Benedict XVI, actually, wants to pawn his slippers. ••• The History Channel is running the series, The Bible. This week there's chatter that the gent who plays Satan bears quite a resemblence to President Barack Obama. (photo) Not only that, the guy who plays Vice-Satan is a dead ringer for Joe Biden. (photo) Yup! •••
Everyone has March Madness. Don't believe me? Look at this video of Pope Francis, appearing at a window in front of a giant throng. / animation: Someone tosses a basketball up to the pope. He catches it with one hand, and tosses it through a basket about a block away. Nothing but net! There's his miracle for sainthood, right there!
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Water covers 71% of the earth's surface. That's why so many things are damp." ••• desk chat: Pope Francis was inaugurated today. Dignitaries and worshipers came from all over. This is a bit of a surpise. He had an opening act. / video:
(Wahoo Mike McIntee, dressed in red as a cardinal, holding a dummy dressed as a cardinal): "It's an exciting day here at the Vatican, isn't it, Cardinal Guiseppe?"

(Cardinal Guiseppe): "Sure is, Cardinal Bertello. I just met the lady who makes the pope's hat."

(Cardinal Wahoo Mike): "Oh... mitre?"

(Cardinal Guiseppe): "Mitre? I don't even know her!"

(Anton Fig): rim shot

(outside cam): The crowd applauds.

(Cardinal Wahoo Mike, waving): "Buona notte." (EDIT: I looked up this Italian translation for good night. Wahoo Mike has this line as Bonum nocte, omnes. Maybe that's Latin.)

(Dave, after a five-second pause): "Really?"

••• [A chicken in Guizhou, China recently laid an egg that's triple the normal size. Not only that... it had another egg inside it, along with two yolks. In fact, there have been five more huge eggs.] / Top Ten Signs You Have a Special Chicken ••• Dr. Bill Cosby does stand-up, seated in a chair, of course. He interacts with CBSO members before he finishes. ••• Bill Cosby interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, "and now a message from ????" ••• Mikaela Shiffrin, who was 18 on 3/13/13, won the World Cup slalom title on 3/16/13. She visits with Dave about her future plans, hopefully including the next Olympics. ••• Garbage sing. (Their first appearance on LSDL was on 7/11/96.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

3/20/13 [3824]: Tonight's audience shout out is to newlyweds from parts unknown. ••• It seems that drug companies are really trying to cash in on March Madness. / video:

(NCAA / CBS graphic)

(upbeat voice-over): "Get ready for March Madness. Thrills. Upsets. Buzzer beaters. It's gonna be sick!"

(photos): depressed guys

(another voice-over): "But for those of you who have trouble coping with the madness, let Xanax® help. Side effects may include: drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, blurred vision and decrease in sex drive."

(upbeat voice-over): "That's March Madness, right here on CBS!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Xanax®. Available at Walgreens."

••• Joe Biden has announced that he favors same-sex marriage. / video:
(clip): Hillary Clinton

(voice-over): "In an effort to bolster a presidential run in 2016, Hillary Clinton has announced her new support of same-sex marriage. And now, possible 2016 presidential candidate Joe Biden would like to say, not only is he in favor of same-sex marriage, but he's going the extra mile."

(animation): Biden and Obama are side-by-side in a restaurant booth, gazing dreamily at each other. Their faces slowly draw closer and closer to each other. Just as their noses are almost touching... CUT!

(voice-over): "Joe Biden: All in."

••• As Pope Francis moved to the Vatican, he needed temporary housing as his quarters were made ready. / video:
(photo): an old-time door, with a plaque: "The Bergoglios"

(theme music): The Odd Couple

(voice-over): "On March 13th, Pope Francis was asked to remove himself from his place of residence. That request came from the Vatican. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI."

(animation): Pope Francis picks up a cigar butt with the tip of an umbrella, showing the untidy item to Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI.

voice-over): "Can two pontiffs share an apartment without driving each other crazy?"

(Odd Couple theme music up)

(graphic): "The Infallible Couple: Coming this fall to CBS."

••• Sixty-eight colleges get in the Division I NCAA Tournament. Not every college is represented. / "March Madness Losers" / video:
(peppy CBS March Madness music)

(voice-over): "Caltech has a miserable basketball team, with a 1-24 record this season. Caltech professors and students are pursuing advances in solar energy, computers and quantum mechanics that will brighten our future."

(graphic): LOSERS!

(voice-over): "Losers! This has been 'March Madness Losers.' Watch the tournament, right here on CBS."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "This is Alan Kalter saying good night and drive safely." ••• desk rant:
(Dave): "I'll tell you what let's do. There used to be a long-running show on CBS that was really awful. And it was the Weekend Late Show, and it was in our time period, but it was on Saturday night."

(Paul): "Yeah."

(Dave): "And, a combination of two things, which are deadly in television. One: it was awful, and two: nobody watched it."

(Paul): "Those are a bad combination!"

(Dave): "But it was on for years and years and years and years. So finally somebody stepped in (and God bless them for doing so), and said, 'We're going to cancel the Weekend Late Show, so they yanked that piece of crap off the air."

(Paul): "Yes."

(Dave): "They replaced it with the same two people who used to do the Weekend Late Show, and the show is now even worse!"

(Paul, laughing): "What did they expect? It's the same two people!"

(Dave): "It used to be the Weekend Late Show, and now it's one of those show business shows, like Entertainment Tonight. It stinks! Take it from me, ladies and gentlemen, it's impossible to watch! So... with that in mind, let's check in now with Bruce and Linda, and see what's coming up on Showbiz Weekend. Kids?"

(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. Big celebrity birthdays this weekend. Chaka Kahn, Marty Allen and fashion designer Kenneth Cole all mark the occasion. We'll have them on the phone for a star-studded conference call!"

(Bruce): "That's quite a power trio, Linda. I'll be on location at Pacoima, California, at the Hansen Dam Municipal Golf Course, to kick off our first annual Showbiz Weekend Pro Am Driving Range Competition."

(Linda): "And I understand all the proceeds go towards litter prevention!"

(Bruce): "Yeah, it's a great cause, and we're hoping to buy a bunch of trash cans."

(Linda): "Wonderful! It's also time once again for Publicists' Corner, where we invite some of the top publicists into our studio to tell us all about their superstar clients' upcoming projects."

(Bruce): "All that, plus celebrity cat scans, sunglasses that make you look and feel famous, and 'Which TV Tough Guy's Actually Allergic to Nuts?' Saturday, on Showbiz Weekend."

(Linda): "Back to you, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you. It's awful! It's awful! Do you see what I mean?!"

(Paul): "One guy is on a screen, via satellite..."

(Dave): "Yeah. He's nowhere near California! They've got him a closet downtown! The show is pitiful!"

••• From Rahal Letterman Lanigan Racing, Graham Rahal presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear Over Your Team Radio During a Race. ••• Eva Mendes plugs The Place Beyond the Pines. ••• It's a call on the 1974 phone from Congressman Paul Ryan. / We listen in.
(Dave): "Hello, Congressman, this is Dave Letterman. Hello, Congressman, are you there?"

(Congressman Ryan): "Si."

(Dave): "Uh, so, Congressman, how do you feel since the election?"

(Congressman Ryan): "As you can imagine, it was a bit of a shock when we didn't win."

(Dave): "That's right. I'll bet! Now, you... you've released your budget. How is your economic vision different from President Obama's?"

(Congressman Ryan): "I really don't pay attention to this, so I have no thoughts on the matter, whatsoever."

(Dave): "Really? That's odd that they would release the budget, and yet you have nothing... Well, can you tell us anything about your budget?"

(Congressman Ryan): "I literally do not know the answer to these questions."

(Dave): "OK. So, uh, is there anything you would like to talk about, Congressman?"

(Congressman Ryan): "You know... yeah. It's called muscle confusion and cross-training."

(Dave): "Really? Now what... what was that?"

(Congressman Ryan): "This is a workout I've done for... I don't know... about a year-and-a-half now. And it hits your body in many different ways: pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups... uh, lots of cardio, karate and jump training, yoga..."

(Dave): "Wow. Well, it certainly sounds like quite a plateful there."

(Congressman Ryan): "I gave fear up for Lent this year."

(Dave): "Is that right? Well, good luck to you, Congressman. I'm sorry we don't have anymore time, but, uh..."

(Congressman Ryan): "The point is, I keep my body fat between six and eight percent..."

(Dave): "Right. That's good. OK. Well, listen, thank you so much for talkin' with us, and takin' the time, alright?"

(Congressman Ryan): "Appreciate it. Nice to meet you in person."

(FX): dial tone

••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: Alan Kalter and Bubba Watson ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Look at those poor, ignorant saps!" ••• Andy Hendrickson does stand-up. ••• The Airborne Toxic Event sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night (again).

3/21/13: REPEAT FROM 2/27/13

3/22/13: REPEAT FROM 2/18/13

3/25/13 [3825]: monologue:

"You know what happened to me today? I get a telephone call. Yeah. And, you know how somethin' like that can just confuse you, and ruin your day? And it's from the CBS executives, and they call up and want to know if I would mind changing my name to Jimmy."
••• [There's a new smart phone app that will inform you if you're about to have a heart attack.] / video:
(EKG animation and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "A heart attack can hit without warning, but now there's a mobile application that has you covered. Introducing Heart Alert, a tiny implant that sends an urgent signal to your smart phone when a heart attack strikes."

(FX): warning displayed on an iPhone

(voice-over): "Now with convenient snooze button! Heart Alert. Only in the App Store."

••• Pope Francis is a basketball fan. The Vatican has released a tape. / video:
(clip): Pope Francis at a window

(English-dubbed Pope Francis message): "It's fun to say Gonzaga. Try it. Gonzaga."

(crowd outside): "Gonzaga."

(Pope): "Gonzaga."

(crowd): "Gonzaga."

(Pope): "Now, just the ladies."

(ladies): "Gonzaga."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Good News! We hope you found that encouraging." ••• desk chat:
Dave has a box of 10 bright yellow Peeps®. Paul guesses that the package goes for $4.50. That would be way too much money. Dave: "Not that you asked, but I always like to help out and do a favor for mankind, here's what I came up with." Dave produces a glass bowl of marshmallows, and a yellow hi-liter. He does a pretty sloppy job of turning the marshmallow yellow. With a black marker, he gives it one eye. Oh, great. It's a cyclops Peep®. Paul says it's no big deal. It's a mythical animal. Then, once he sees the finished product, Paul says, "Actually, it's very cute." Dave then eats the thing.

••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Pope's Lunch ••• There's all kinds of talk right now about Leno being replaced by Jimmy Fallon. What? An outside cam reveals that Dave's marquee on Broadway now says Late Show with Jimmy Letterman. ••• James Franco plugs Spring Breakers and Oz the Great and Powerful. •••
"Guess the Squeaks" / Alan challenges Dave with this new segment. All Dave has to do is listen to a few seconds' worth of audio of shoes squeaking on a basketball floor, then announce which game was underway. Dave correctly guessed the 2007 NCAA Tournament, but the game was the regional final between KU and UCLA. Nice try, Dave.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave competes with the 2013 National Grocery Bagging Champion, Andrew Borracchini. Biff Henderson fires the starter's pistol. The three neatly-filled bags lowered from the rafters give Dave the winning edge. ••• Ed Sheeran sings. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was on drums for Anton Fig.]

3/26/13 [3826]: shout out for an audience babe (albeit indirect): Dave has an elaborate golf story, involving him climbing a tree in Central Park, and from that vantage point, launching a golf ball. •••

[Our federal government's sequester (whatever that is) has resulted in a number of air traffic control towers (including Manhattan Regional Airport, MHK) set to close in April.] Dave takes a slightly different direction, mentioning cost cutting at JFK. / video: Michael Z. McIntee, in an orange vest and wearing white gloves, is on a ladder, directing heavy jets. He must be on the mother of all ladders, because these jets don't have the landing gears down.
••• interruption: Dan Fetter, CBS Orchestra segment producer, requests a clarification. We listen.
(Dave): "But he (Pope Francis) conducted the mass... St. Peter's Square in Rome, there... Vatican City, and then afterwards, he and his lovely wife, Peggy, went out to have brunch."

(Dan): "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on."

(Dave): "...and his lovely wife, Peggy."

(Dan): "Hold on."

(Dave): "... had brunch."

(Dan): ""Whoa, whoa, whoa. What did you say?"

(Dave): "What? I'm sorry? What?"

(Dan): "What did you say?"

(Dave): "Oh, hi. What did I say just now?"

(Dan): "Yeah."

(Dave, smiling and patient): "I said that the pope celebrated his second mass on Sunday, and afterward, he went to brunch with his wife, Peggy."

(Dan): "Alright, smart guy, but the pope doesn't have a wife named Peggy."

(Dave): "Yeah, I know that."

(Dan): "But..... the pope's wife is not named Peggy. He doesn't have a wife."

(Dave, smiling): "Right. I know that. I know that."

(Dan): "Then, why the hell did you say it?"

(Dave): "Well, umm, it was just a joke?"

(Dan): "Oh. Well....."

(Dave): "Tellin' some jokes."

(Dan): "I didn't get it."

(Dave): "Yeah. You didn't get it?"

(No.): "Aww, don't worry about it. That's alright. Don't worry about it."

(Dan): "I'm sorry. It just..." (sits down)

(Dave): "Fine."

(Dan): "It sounded like nonsense."

(Dave): "Don't worry about it."

••• CBS Sports has quite the rundown of the NCAA's Sweet Sixteen line-up. / video: The outcome of every game to be played the next two weeks is revealed. [SPOILER]: Louisville defeats Indiana for the national championship.


Congratulations!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Brian Williams plays Marnie Michaels on the HBO series Girls." ••• desk chat: Dave does a fine impression of Julia Child.

"Stopping by tonight to prepare his world-famous dessert, Chocolate Douglas, is world-famous chef, Douglas Douglas, from the restaurant Douglas in Detroit." The big joke is Julia's pronunciation of Douglas, which she consistently delivers as "dew-GLOSS."
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• interruption: A uniformed, male police officer has appeared beside Dave's command module.
(officer): "Excuse me. Are you Dave Letterman?"

(Dave, smiling): "Yes, I am!"

(officer): "You're in big trouble.

(Dave, laughing): "Nooo. No, you're... I'm not in big trouble, and you're not a cop." (pause) "Are ya?"

(officer): "No, I'm not."

(Dave): "No! You're a stripper, aren't you?"

(officer): "Yes."

(Dave): "Sorry... just please, get out of here!"

••• desk chat:
(Dave, now rid of the stripper): "Dew-GLOSS. Dew-GLOSS. First of all, it's OK. Name the restaurant your name. It's Douglas. Isn't Dew-GLOSS really Douglas?"

(Paul): "Of course it is."

(Dave): "And then, why is your last name the same as your first name? And then, why isn't it Douglas Douglas? And why isn't your world-famous dessert Chocolate Douglas?"

••• Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is a Fake •••
Brian Williams gets quizzed by Dave about this and that. He really doesn't want to talk about the whoop-tee-do over the Today Show. Ten years ago tonight, Brian was in Iraq, covering the war there, and getting shot at. Dave wonders where the Supreme Court will go with the gay marriage cases in California. Brian says it's possible that they'll refuse to hear the cases because of their scope, or they might focus on a technicality, or say it's not a matter for the Supreme Court. Brian bristles at the suggestion that news is drawing closer to entertainment. There's a question about Brian someday being the host of Jeopardy. / bumper: We see Brian on the set of Jeopardy. Moments later, Brian has an Alex Trebek mustache.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "a special hello to everyone tuning in tonight on their CB radios!" ••• "Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens" /
(voice-over): "Frank, honest advice for the youth of today, from a voice they respect."

(Six teenagers are gathered around the guest chairs.)

(Dave): "Hi, kids. How are you? Thank you very much for coming tonight. Nice to see everybody. Um, I want to talk to you guys... young men and women... about something I think is very important. Let me... show of hands here. Who has felt pressure... peer group... school... some kind of pressure to join a gang?" (Hands go up.) "Who has been... one, two, three. That's more than I would have guessed. I want to tell you something about... a lot of times people say to me, 'Dave, what is the 411 on gangs?' I'll tell you, and you may take a while to think about this, and examine it and turn it over in your head, but you'll always remember this: Don't join a gang. Honest to God. Don't join a gang without absolute, complete permission from your parents."

(six teenagers): blank stares

(Dave): "Word up."

(voice-over): " 'Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens' is produced by the National Council of Churches."

••• Pegi Young and The Survivors sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was on drums for Anton Fig.]

3/27/13 [3827]: Dave has an unusual audience shout out tonight. He says, "If this segment goes well, at the end of this segment, here's what's gonna happen: I'm gonna go over there to the chairs, and a cop from St. Louis will come up here and pat me down." ••• Dave saw something unusual in the NCAA tournament. He doesn't know what to do. Look at this. / video:

(clip from Duke vs. Creighton): Duke wins the tip. A referee catches the ball and immediately shoots from way beyond half court. Coach Krzyzewski looks unimpressed.
••• interruption: Dave's security boss, Bill DeLace, appears at Dave's mark, wearing a chef's white jacket.
(Dave): "Hey, how're you doin'?"

(Bill has a saucepan and a wooden stirring spoon. He spills a little of whatever he's cooked up.)

(Chef Bill): "Taste this."

(Dave, looking down at the spill): "Oh, no. Be careful. No, I don't... I don't want... why?"

(Chef Bill): "Go ahead. Taste this."

(Dave): "No, I'm not gonna. You're spilling it. Now look at the..."

(Chef Bill, screaming): "TASTE IT!"

(Dave, tasting): "Alright! Let me have just a... Oh, well... yeah, you know, that's interesting. That's not too bad."

(Chef Bill): "How do you feel?"

(Dave): "What?"

(Chef Bill): "How do you feel?"

(Dave): "How do I feel?"

(Chef Bill): "Yeah. How do you feel?"

(Dave): "Fine, I guess."

(Chef Bill, walking away, muttering): " 'Fine.' He feels fine, I guess! 'Fine, I guess.' Ha ha ha ha ha!"

(Dave, to Paul): "Paul, do we have a chef on the program tonight?"

(Paul): "No, we don't."

(Dave): "Who was that guy?"

(Paul): "Thought he was with you."

••• The History Channel is running their series, The Bible. / video:
(graphic): "THE BIBLE"

(voice-over and dramatic music): "Tonight, on The Bible, Jesus performs his first miracle."

(FX): We see a scene from Happy Days, set in a diner. Fonzie, equipped with the head of Jesus, smacks the juke box beside him. It begins playing a rock 'n roll song.

(voice-over): "The Bible will be back after these messages. Stick around!"

••• As the CBSO begins to play into the commercial break, Dave calls the St. Louis policeman to the stage. He assumes the position in front of Paul's organ, and the cop pats him down. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave reviews the awful Weekend Late Show, announces that Bruce should be in a program, then lowers our expectations for this week's preview of Showbiz Weekend. / Bruce and Linda do their preview. / Dave says, "If they can prove to me that guy's actually in Los Angeles, I'll give them a million dollars." (He's never been west of the Hudson.) ••• Top Ten Questions on the Dog I.Q. Test (including Dave's "Who's a good doggie" routine) ••• Donald Trump ••• "Prove Me Wrong," with Alan Kalter / Alan claims that Richard Dreyfus has the bodies of a dozen hitchhikers in his basement, then reads a disclaimer. ••• Backstage Photo Club bumper: Tony Mendez and One Direction are on the trading card. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Inspirational Message" ••• Gary Gulman does stand-up, including funny material about our pals, the French. ••• Wavves sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton is in on drums for Anton Fig.]

3/28/13: REPEAT FROM 1/29/13

3/29/13: REPEAT FROM 2/26/13

4/01/13 [3828]: Easter was yesterday, and it's sort of still Peeps® season. Not only that... there are a couple of new products. / video:

(clip): kids gathering Easter eggs outside, followed by a shot of a box of Peeps®

(voice-over): "Everyone loves marshmallow Peeps® at Easter. Now the fun continues all year 'round, with Fluffs®."

(clip): chicken meat being ground up in a food processing plant

(voice-over): "Instead of marshmallows shaped like chickens, it's pulverized chicken shaped like marshmallows!"

(photo): a small blob of meat... yes, a Fluff®, with feather bits and bone fragments poking out of the meat

(voice-over): "(May contain feather and bone.) Look for Fluffs® in the refrigerated aisle. Also available in bunny."

••• The ugliest thing Dave's ever seen in a televised sporting event has led us to "Gruesome Sports Highlight of the Night." / video:
(title graphic)

(clip of televised golf): A barefoot man, wearing shorts that might actually be underpants, tiptoes across a green to place a coin where a golf ball was, near a hole.

(commentator, unintelligible because the audience was laughing too loud): "This is going a bit too far."

(title graphic)

••• Because we haven't seen it since Feb. 21: It's a clip of Sen. Marco Rubio trying to sneak a drink of H2O during his Republican response to the State of the Union address. ••• Little Justin Bieber's pet monkey has been in the news quite a bit of late. / video:
(title graphic and news music)

(voice-over): "The pet monkey owned by pop star Justin Bieber is now in the hands of German authorities."

(me): As usual, the accompanying photo is of a chimpanzee.

(title graphic)

••• Here's an awesome ad for "Metro Monkey Attorneys." / video:
(photo): that weasel Justin Bieber, with a monkey on his back

(clip): monkeys in cages

(voice-over): "Has your monkey been detained overseas? Not sure what to do? Call Metro Monkey Attorneys. We handle all kinds of monkey law: monkey slips and falls, monkey divorce and monkey traffic violations."

(clip): monkey driving, and a horrendous SUV wreck

(voice-over): "Metro Monkey Attorneys: Get the law on your monkey's side."

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Visit our new office, in the Short Hills Mall."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Anagrams for Shia LaBeouf" ••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• interruption: Consumer Product Safety Commission announcement / video:
(commission logo and Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train")

(voice-over): "The Consumer Product Safety Commission interrupts this program to announce a critically important safety recall. If you own a television produced between 1946 and 2013, it's defective, and may suddenly burst into flames."

(stamped onscreen): "DEFECTIVE"

(voice-over): "Turn off your television immediately, and return it to the place of purchase for a refund. We now return you to Amanda."

(photo of Amanda Knox)

(title graphic)

••• Top Ten Early Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready for the Season / #10: Your first baseman is so fat, he's also your second baseman. ••• desk chat: Dave clowns around and pretends he blew a shoulder tendon, apparently to amuse Nancy Agostini. ••• Shia LaBeouf plugs The Company You Keep. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jeff Altman ••• The Band Perry ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Tonight's Live on Letterman webcast with The Band Perry was a very well-kept secret.]

4/02/13 [3829]: "Matt Lauer Can't Catch a Break" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip): Matt Lauer and Joe Piscopo at a Yankees game

(play-by-play gut): "Joe Piscopo and Matt Lauer, here at the game."

(title graphic)

••• "Barack Obama Sports Bloopers" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clips): Barack sucks at basketball and bowling, and he takes a bone-crushing spill on a ski jump.

(title graphic)

••• interruption: A serious-looking German government official shows up at Dave's mark.
(Dave): "Oh, my God! Trouble with the luggage? No, I'm just kidding. May I help you, sir?"

(German): "Mr. Letterman, I need to see your monkey papers, please."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have any monkey papers."

(German): "You realize that without the proper documents, we will have to confiscate your monkey?"

(Dave): "Umm. Well, that seems about right, but again... I don't have a monkey."

(German): "You're playing a very dangerous game, Mr. Letterman." (He then storms over to Tony Mendez and grabs some of his cue cards, then tosses them on the stage floor.)

(audience): booing

(Dave): "Folks, this is not the Hague."

••• The History Channel is running its series, The Bible, and they're already working on a sequel. / video:
(scenes from The Bible)

(voice-over): "The History Channel presents The Rock, Jesus. He has risen, and he is kicking ass. The Bible 2: Bible Harder. Coming soon."

(Bible 2 graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Always remember: when watching television, safety first." ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave has a copy of the 4/02/12 New York Times. Since Regis is on so often, he wants to prove that tonight's telecast isn't a rerun.

  2. Building engineer George Clarke approached Dave with the idea of video segments with behind-the-scenes attractions in the Ed. / "George Clarke's Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater"

    Tonight, George is in an elevator: "Tenth floor. Aquarium."

••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey / #2: Do I have my monkey's allergy medicine? (with Sherman Grossman sneezing) ••• Alan Kalter hosts "Late Show Fun Fact": "Humans and dolphins are the only species that engage in sexting." ••• Regis Philbin's on to promote Fox Sports One, premiering a few months from now, supposedly. He and Dave have a great interview. Unfortunately, all the primary election return graphics spoiled it for adding to the Video Archives. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan announces the show's support for Light It Up Blue, a project of autismspeaks.org. The idea is for prominent buildings to be lit in blue light to bring publicity and support. •••
Dave and Regis got into quite a discussion about what bionic parts Regis has will - or will not - set off an airport metal detector. Regis claims his titanium hip or whatever will set them off. Dave says they won't, because they're non-ferrous. We find Regis in the lobby of the theater. He walks through the show's metal detector, and nothing happens. Then Bill DeLace goes through, and it starts acting up.
••• The cast of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella perform a number from the play. It's at the Broadway Theatre, 1681 Broadway at 53rd Street. ••• bumper: Regis and Rickles in the green room ••• Alan Kalter say good night.

4/03/13 [3830]: Tonight's audience shout out is a few words of German. ••• monologue: NBC announced the replacement of Jay Leno in 2014 today, which draws a wee bit of commentary. ••• monologue: "I got a call from my mom today. She says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the Tonight Show again.' " ••• Last night at Citi Field, Mr. Met got hit in the head with a foul ball. / photo: a goofy-looking mascot x-ray ••• interruption: Costume designer Sue Hum shows up at Dave's mark.

(Dave): "Hi, Sue, how're you doin'? Sue Hum, ladies and gentlemen... our wardrobe... costume designer. Nice to have you out here, Sue. You know, we're right in the middle of the show. What can I do for you?"

(Sue): "Lindsay Lohan is pregnant. I thought she was just late for court."

(Dave): "That's cute, but what... what? I don't get that. What was that?"

(Sue): "I told my friends I was gonna be on the show tonight."

(Dave, smiling): "OK, good. Nice job. Thank you, Sue."

••• [North Korea's Kim Jong-Un, a.k.a. Bad Haircut Boy, is flapping his mouth about attacking the United States this week. Apparently it plans to take its reactor out of mothballs, meaning it could produce one weapon's worth of plutonium per year.] / video from Pyongyang: We see a guy beside the reactor, pulling on a lawnmower-type starter rope. ••• [When you're president, there's a photographer with you virtually all the time. During the George W. Bush administration, Eric Draper was the White House photographer. He's released a book of photos from those eight years.] / video:
(Draper on ABC News): "My job was not to be a distraction. My job was to purely document, and it was a very, uh, unique role to have that much access to the president,"

(Photoshop fun): GWB watching cartoons, and almost nekkid in a bathrobe

(Draper continues): "and not to be a participant in meetings, but to be an observer."

(ABC graphic): "Sunday Spotlight"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "A special greeting to all detained celebrity monkeys watching tonight! You do the time, don't let the time do you." ••• desk chat:
  • NBC officially announced the replacement of Jay Leno for 2014... to be replaced by a Jimmy in February. Dave has the latest of his many recaps of his days with NBC. (video) Dave discusses NBC's announcement today that Jimmy Fallon will replace Jay Leno on Tonight in Feb. 2014. Dave congratulates Jay on a job well done, and wonders how many times a guy can be pushed out of a job. What's the matter with NBC? What are they thinking? Paul says Jay's been nothing but consistent, has done a solid job and brings in huge ratings. What's the reward for that? Adios. Dave continues, "As with everything in life, all I really care about is, 'How will this affect me?' That's all I really care about." Dave asks, "And Paul, is there any way NBC can push me out of this job?" It's going to be Dave and Paul, and two guys named Jimmy. Paul chimes in with, "Jimmy, Jimmy, Dave, and I don't care." Dave concludes with, "Good luck to Jay. I know he'll be out on the road, gettin' it done and takin' care of business, and congratulations on a nice, long run there at the Tonight Show... if, in fact, you're not comin' back."

  • interruption: It's Crazy Dave (whoever that is), a cartoon Dave in a leisure suit, standing on top of the desk, playing "Camptown Races" on an accordion. Fortunately, it's only a 15-second segment.

  • me: "Hey, when you need an accordion played, bring back Pete Fatovich!"
••• Top Ten Things We'll Miss About Jay Leno ••• Here's a new feature: Alan Kalter presents "Items Not Funny Enough for Tonight's Top Ten List." ••• Louis C.K. plugs his special on HBO, Louis C.K.: Oh My God. (His real name is Louis Szekely.) ••• Rachel Maddow plugs the paperback version of her book, Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Rachel Maddow ••• The Flaming Lips sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/04/13 [3831]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Bend, Oregon. ••• monologue: "I'm Dave Letterman, the last man standing." ••• interruption to make fun of younger talk show hosts: Kathy Mavrikakis leads asst. cue card technician Todd Seda onstage. She's giving a tour to the next host of the Late Show. This is very exciting news! We listen...

(Kathy, pointing to Dave's mark): "This is where you tell your jokes, and over there... that's your little desk, over there!"

(Dave): "Hi. Hi, Kathy, I'm... I'm sorry, but... we're right in the middle of a show, but can... Somethin' I can help you with here?"

(Kathy): "Sure. Well, CBS would like to replace you with someone younger and more likable, so they've decided that Todd is going to start hosting the show next year, after the Olympics. I'm just showing him around."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Todd, very smiley): "I can't believe I'm gonna be on television!"

(Dave): "Now, um... uh, Kathy, Todd, of course, already works here, so you don't need to show him around, and I don't think any of this is necessary."

(Todd): "I can't believe I'm gonna be on television!"

(Dave): "OK, fine. Just... just get him out of here. Thank you."

(Kathy): "Let's go look at Make-up."

(Dave): "Alright, there goes..."

(pause)

(Dave, to the audience): "It's not a bad idea. He's a very nice kid."

••• George W. Bush's presidential library is about to open in Texas. / video:
(clip): aerial view of the facility, captioned "The George W. Bush Presidential Library"

(female voice-over): "The state-of-the-art facility opens to the public on May 1st."

(quick cut to clips and gravelly male voice-over): "Monster Truck Mayhem! That's right. It's Grave Digger vs. El Toro Loco, with a special appearance by Robosaurus, and a live performance from Molly Hatchet."

(gravelly male voice-over): "The George W. Bush Presidential Library. A Ron Delsener Production."

••• New evil dictator Kim Jong-Un is a fun guy (although he may be unhinged). He announced on Monday that he's going to destroy America. What? They've got no electricity, no plumbing, no food. Kimmy has released a video. /
(clips): various military scenes on land and sea, with Korean gibberish, then some kind of flying motorcycle

(clip): Kim Jong-Un applauding

••• monologue:
(Dave): "They gave Jay $15,000,000 not to host the Tonight Show. They gave Conan $30,000,000 not to host the Tonight Show." (pause) "I have not hosted the Tonight Show... longer than both of them put together. Where is my money? Honest to God!"
••• Here's a report from CNN on the Late Show's shake-up. (Dave mistakenly said "Late Show.") / video:
(clip): Leno

(female voice-over): "It's official: Jay Leno will depart the Tonight Show in 2014, and be replaced by Jimmy Fallon. After a brief retirement, Jay will return to replace Jimmy in 2015. Then Seth Meyers will replace Jay in 2019, before Jay returns to replace Seth in 2023, the same year David Letterman celebrates his 30th anniversary at CBS, where he is expected to remain until he dies."

(clip): a geezer at Dave's desk

(CNN logo): "Suzanne Malveaux, CNN."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "NASA stores old furniture and boxes of Christmas decorations on the moon." ••• "Late Show Guest Countdown" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "5 days until Lindsay Lohan appears on the Late Show. 4 days until Lindsay cancels due to "exhaustion" and "dehydration."

(title graphic)

••• Via satellite from Atlanta, Georgia, Kevin Ware of the Louisville Cardinals visits with Dave about the compound fracture of his tibia. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Kevin Ware's Mind at This Moment / #1: "At least my bracket's not busted." •••

Martin Short has his usual great interview with Dave, and is somehow persuaded to perform his latest musical number, a tribute to Carnival Cruises. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "The Camera Loves Me." (It's Alan mugging for the camera.) ••• Dave says he loves science. Recently it was announced that the God particle, the Higgs boson (predicted in 1964), has been proven to exist. This is exciting. Dr. Peter Higgs (OK, Gerard Mulligan) appears onstage to enlighten us on the details. Dr. Higgs leads some audience cheers. ••• Tyler, The Creator (with guest Earl Sweatshirt) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/05/13 [3832]: There's always something going on in New York. / video:

(voice-over): "This week: the New York International Auto Show."

(auto show clip)

(voice-over): "Next week: the New York Car Alarm Show."

(clips): a cacophony of car alarms

(me): That's all.

••• Justin Bieber likes to travel with a monkey. Well, as we all know now, the Germans confiscated the critter. / "Justin Bieber's Monkey Escapes" / video:
(my usual disclaimer): In keeping with Late Show policy, the word monkey is interchangeable with chimpanzee. You'll be seeing carloads of chimps here.

(graphic): "Justin Bieber's Monkey Escapes"

(clips): monkey hotwires car / stolen car speeds down the interstate / monkey car runs off the interstate (status unknown)

••• "World Leaders and Binoculars" / video:
(title graphic)

(clips of famous dudes operating binoculars): Kim Jong-Un, Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama, all accompanied by the Late Show "yes" bell

(clip of George W. Bush, who didn't take off the lens caps): accompanied by the Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• The George W. Bush Presidential Library is opening in Texas. We see Shecky's clip of W. trying to open a locked door in Japan. ••• Here's a little spoof of late night talk show musical chairs. / video:
(voice-over): "After a successful reign as the world's favorite dictator, Kim Jong-Un will step aside next year to make way for North Korea with Kim Jong-Jimmy. But until then, you can still enjoy all of Kim Jong-Un's hilarious bits, like
  • 'Headlines': (New York Times front page: "North Korea to Destroy America")
  • 'Kim's Garage': tanks on parade
  • and The Dancing Itos,
  • plus Rickey Minor and the Yodok Prison Camp Band,
  • and me. I'm Edd Hall.
North Korea with Kim Jong-Un and North Korea with Kim Jong-Jimmy. Then catch Pak Pong-Ju."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Chelsea Handler is the daughter of President Bill Handler. Feel free to punch me in the face for that one." ••• It was an exciting time in television. / audience shout out to Dayton, Ohio / "Exciting Changes in Late Night Television" / video:
(title graphic and music that sounds like Paul Shaffer wrote it)

(voice-over): "ABC revitalized its line-up by moving Jimmy Kimmel to 11:35. NBC is rejuvenating the Tonight Show by replacing Jay Leno with Jimmy Fallon. And CBS is keeping the Late Show exciting by randomly changing Dave's medication every night."

(six-in-one screen): Mike McIntee's "Odd Dave" files come in handy, as we see Dave at his desk, being very, very odd.

(voice-over): "The Late Show: A Merv Griffin / GlaxoSmithKline production."

••• The gate to hell has been found in Turkey. / Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Hell / #7: Smells like a Yankee Candle store ••• Chelsea Handler plugs Chelsea Lately and After Lately. ••• "George Clarke's Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater Office Building": George opens the elevator: "Ninth Floor: operating room." ••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club": Dan Fetter and Selena Gomez ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Reminder: Electricity will be off the entire weekend throughout the U. S." ••• Ross Bennett does stand-up. ••• Yeah Yeah Yeahs sing. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/08/13: REPEAT FROM 1/17/13

4/09/13 [3833]: Tonight's audience shout out is to newlyweds from Hawaii. ••• We saw the NCAA championship game last night. CBS has put together a highlights package. / video:

(clip): six seconds of NCAA basketball, then animated robots, a sea otter shooting a basket, George W. Bush trying to dribble an underinflated basketball, and Kim Jong-Un shooting a pistol, followed a split second later by a player breaking a backboard
••• Denny's has put in some wedding chapels in their restaurants. Dave says, "Go in there and have the Grand Slam®, then get married, or get married and then have the Grand Slam®." Denny's has branched out. / video:
(photo): a Denny's entrance

(voice-over): "You can now plan an affordable wedding at participating Denny's restaurants. But what happens if it's not meant to be? Come get your divorce at IHOP™. And that's not all. IHOP™ now offers a full menu of marriage-related services: estate planning, retirement strategies, marriage counseling, sex therapy, vasectomy, tax preparation, vasectomy reversal, funeral arrangements and pancakes! So stop by IHOEPRSMSTVTPVRFAP™." (The International House of Estate Planning, Retirement Strategies, Marriage Counseling, Sex Therapy, Vasectory Reversal, Funeral Arrangements, and Pancakes) "Come hungry. Leave with a vasectomy."

••• The George W. Bush Presidential Library is opening soon, and no expense was spared. / video:
(peppy classical music)

(voice-over): "The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum is a premiere destination for researchers, students and families alike. The museum features over 100,000 artifacts, and dozens of interactive activities that let you pretend to be the president."

(splitscreen clips and cartoon music): George W. Bush blooper reel, with GWB having various mishaps, and a writer, as a civilian, re-enacting them

(voice-over): "Trip. Bump your head. Trip again. Dodge a shoe. Drop a dog. And spit on the White House lawn. The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum. The only missing ingredient is YOU."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Kitchen Utensil Shout-out": "Whisks." ••• desk chat: Louisville beat Michigan 82 - 76 last night. Here's another "NCAA Tournament Recap." / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): We see the NCAA tournament bracket.

(voice-over): "They won." (31 times, as teams are circled on the bracket)

(FX): We see Louisville circled.

(voice-over): "And THEY won."

(FX): the Late Show "yes" bell

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Accountant is presented by 10 area accountants:

10. Harvey Tanton 9. Whitney Boyd 8. Phil Defalco 7. Lawrence Spielman 6. Gary Schatsky 5. Bob Manger 4. Andrew Ross 3. Sandra Bussell 2. Richard Koenigsberg 1. Andrew Rubin

•••

Lindsay Lohan plugs Scary Movie 5, in 14½ minutes of air time. She'll soon be off to three months in lock-up rehab. Dave will lay it on pretty thick. She was first on with Dave on Late Night, on 10/29/92, in "New Halloween Costumes." She was six at the time. Dave gets right into the negative stuff, covering shoplifting, punching a psychic in a nightclub and rehab. She says rehab "isn't a bad thing. I think it's a blessing." Dave then annoys Lindsay by asking, "Do you have addiction problems?" He then wants to know what they are. She says she takes full responsibility for her past, and she's not trying to deny anything. Dave talks about his own, "doing time" with psychiatry. Lindsay suggests that they take a moment to pose together.

After a commercial break, Dave asks about Lindsay's work with Charlie Sheen. She admires how well Charlie treats the crew on his sets. Then Dave goes back to the rehab topic, but then attempts to soften it with, "I mean, we never thought we'd see you again, honestly, because of the jokes and stuff. But yet you have enough spine, enough sense of yourself, enough poise to come out here and talk to me." Lindsay gets a little teary after that, and Dave eventually gets her a complimentary Kleenex from the secret shelf under his desk.

Lindsay takes a sip from the Late Show mug and says, "I thought this was gonna be vodka."

After all this, Lindsay tweeted after the interview, "Had a wonderful time at the @Late_Show. It was great fun! #iHeartDave." Some seven hours later she tweeted, "Thanks to all for the kind words and overwhelming support #blessed."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Michael Z. McIntee (with his new buzz cut) does the honors, because Alan was late. ••• desk chat: Dave and Paul have a brief visit about Lindsay's appearance. ••• Pete Lee does stand-up. ••• Gary Clark, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Dave and Lindsay's pose

4/10/13 [3834]: Tonight's audience shout out is to newlyweds. Hubby looks like Anderson Cooper. Of course, we all know he's not really Anderson Cooper because, umm, he's busy with show business. ••• Sears portrait studios are closed. / video:

(pics): Sears properties

(voice-over): "The Sears Corporation is sad to announce that after 54 years of business, our portrait studio has closed. But don't worry! You can still purchase surveillance images from our dressing rooms."

(b&w clip): pantsless guy

(FX): camera shutter

(voice-over): "Sears: when Walmart is too crowded."

••• interruption:
(Anton Fig): "Dave. Dave. Dave. Excuse me."

(Dave): "So anyway, they were, um..."

(Anton Fig): "Dave, Dave, what are you talking about?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What, who?"

(Anton Fig): "What? What are you talking about?"

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Anton. Yes, what is it?"

(Anton Fig): "Did I... did I hear you correctly? Did you say that the Sears photo studio is closing?"

(Dave): "Yes, for forever. They're done."

(Anton Fig): "Well, that's terrible."

(Dave): "Yes, that's right."

(The shot widens. We see Anton's wife, son and daughter, all in black berets and bright orange sweaters, just like him.)

(Anton Fig): "Aww, crap! I'm sorry, kids. There's no photos today. I'm really sorry."

(Anton's family, obviously quite disappointed, turn to leave.)

(Dave): "Sorry. Boy, that's... that's heartbreaking. Good lookin' family, though, Anton. Nice..."

(Anton Fig): "Thanks."

(Dave): "Sorry you didn't get the news earlier."

(Anton Fig): "Disappointed."

••• North Korea has released video to show their military might, and how determined they are when it comes to warfare. /
(North Korean soldier shoots at a target.)

(Kim Jong-Un taps soldier on the shoulder.)

(FX): cartoon "boing" sound to match the taps

(Kim Jong-Un now fires the pistol. The shot changes. We a soldier with a balloon in his mouth. Perfect. The balloon 'splodes. Kim's shot got the balloon on the first try.

(North Korean soldiers, in formation, applaud and cheer enthusiastically to avoid death.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and TMI: "too much insulation" ••• [Last week a couple from Iowa were first to be married in a Denny's™ wedding chapel in Las Vegas.] ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Denny's Wedding ••• Harrison Ford plugs the Jackie Robinson movie, 42. He plays Branch Rickey, Dodgers owner. Harrison has another of his awesome jokes for us. Here it is:
"So there were these two cannibals from different villages, and they met on a path one day. And one cannibal says to the other, 'Hey, how're you doin'? I haven't seen you in a while.' He says, 'Oh, I'm OK, but I... I...' " (rubs his tummy) "He said, 'What's the matter?' He says, 'I... I... my stomach. I haven't been feelin' so good lately.' He says, 'Well, what have you been eatin'?' He said, 'Oh, you know... the usual... um, missionaries, mostly.' He said, 'Well, wait a second. Well, how... how are you... how do you prepare... how do you cook 'em?' He says, 'Well, you know... the regular way. We get a big pot of water in the middle of the village... big fire underneath... a couple bay leaves. We get it boilin', and we thrown 'em in. Maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half, and, uh...' He says, 'Wait a second.' He says, 'Uhh, what do they look like?' He said, 'Well, you know. That little fringe of hair, and they've got those brown, uh, robes, and the sandals.' " (smiling) "He says, 'You're cookin' 'em wrong!' He said, 'What do you mean, we're cookin' 'em wrong?' He said, 'Them are friars.' "

(Harrison to Dave): "Move over, dude."

Dave quizzes Harrison on airplane photos. Captain Ford knows his planes. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "A special welcome to the 14th-floor throw pillow." ••• Rita Wilson plugs her new album, AM/FM." ••• Jake Bugg sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/11/13: REPEAT FROM 2/25/13

4/12/13: REPEAT FROM 3/27/13 / Happy 66th birthday, Dave!

4/15/13: REPEAT FROM 3/12/13

4/16/13: REPEAT FROM 3/13/13

4/17/13: REPEAT FROM 3/18/13

4/18/13: REPEAT FROM 2/21/13

4/19/13: REPEAT FROM 3/25/13

4/22/13 [3835]: [new opening montage graphics tonight, and a new shot of the CBS orchestra] ••• "Republican Rebranding Recommendations" / video:

(title graphic and stately music)

(graphic): "#122" on black

(voice-over): "#122. Tranquilize that thing on Rand Paul's head."

(animation): That thing on Rand Paul's head has taken on a life of its own. / FX: a big cat growling

(title graphic)

••• [A boneheaded West Virginia graduate, A. J. Clemente, uttered two profanities as his first on-air words in his new anchor job for KYFR-TV in Bismark, North Dakota. Among my alt.fan.letterman friends, they translate to "givling djoy."] / "Welcome Aboard, A. J." / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(KYFR voice-over and graphic): "You're watching the 'Evening Report Sunday' on NBC North Dakota News, your news leader in high definition."

(A. J. Clemente, heard partly off-camera, partly on-camera): "Givling djoy."

(Van Tieu): "Good evening, I'm Van Tieu. You may have seen our (stumbles) new (stumbles) A. J. on NBC North Dakota News, and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor. Tell us a little bit about yourself, A. J."

(soon-to-be-fired A. J.): "Umm, thanks, Van. I'm very excited. I graduated from West Virginia University, and I'm used to, umm, you know... from being from the East Coast."

(Van Tieu): "OK. Well, welcome aboard, A. J."

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Almost E." / "F" / Late Show "no" buzzer / Alan: "Oh, so close! Good try, F!" ••• desk chat:
The CBS Orchestra was once again the house band for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction on April 18 in Los Angeles. Dave registers our annual regrets that the CBSO has not yet been inducted. Warren Zevon was never inducted, either. Now that we mention it, neither was the Indian Thriller, Chiru.
••• Alan Kalter introduces the "Stooge of the Night." Tonight's stooge, whose photo gets 48 seconds of air time, is Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who had some commentary on gun control. ••• "Small Town News" /
  • The La Junta Tribune, LaJunta, Colorado: headline: "Stolen car returned with engine problems"

  • Daily Herald, Arlington Heights, Illinois: photo caption: "Arlene Mulder is retiring after 20 decades leading Arlington Heights."

  • Highlands Today, Sebring, Florida: police report headline: "Dog shoots Frostproof man accidentally."

  • USA Today, parts unknown: photo caption from Tyson's Corner, Virginia: "Merle Becker, owner of Aikane Plantation Coffee with her husband, Phil, still tends trees planted by her great-grandfather in 1894." (Merle's standing next to a donkey. Dave stopped reading the caption at 'with her husband, Phil.')

  • Observer-Reporter, Washington, Pennsylvania: ad: "Corey & Justin in 'A One Man Show' just above a photo of the two of them

  • The Los Angeles Times: ad: "Mother's Day Extravaganza! Get Mom a termite treatment. (Up to 50% OFF)"

  • Oakland Press, Pontiac, Michigan: hardware store tool ad: "Great Big Hooker $14.99" and next to that: "Crack Hoe $14.99"
••• In honor of out-of-work anchor A. J. Clemente: Top Ten Signs Your First Day as a News Anchor Didn't Go Well / Included are profane clips from 1. Sue Simmons: "What the GIVL are you doing?" and 2. Ernie Anastos: "Keep GIVLing that chicken." ••• Matthew McConaughey plugs Mud. We see a fine impression of Matthew by Mr. Matt Damon, delivered on the Late Show (possibly on 10/12/10). ••• Act 5 Audience Pan (and Alan Kalter playing with a feather) ••• Ryan Lochte, winner of 11 Olympic medals, plugs What Would Ryan Lochte Do? ••• Steve Earle & The Dukes (and Duchesses) sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• good luck bumper for A. J. Clemente (who was fired on his first day of work)

4/23/13 [3836]: Wardrobe Report: Dave's tie is tied too short. ••• Yesterday was Earth Day. In honor of the big day, we go to 14th floor, where we find Wahoo Mike McIntee. He's typing on a coal-powered typewriter, and there's exhaust all over the room. Just wait 'til Al Gore sees this episode. •••

America's Sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon, tossed back a few and smarted off to a policeman on Friday. She got herself arrested. Her booking photo is all over the Internet, and now it's on the Late Show. Wait... our pals at the Late Show have made a funny. It's Nick Nolte's arrest day headshot from 9/11/02, with Nick wearing a dress.
••• "Republican Rebranding Recommendation" / video:
(title graphic and stately music)

(voice-over): "#74. Promote awareness of different cultures by participating in their customs and celebrations."

(clip): It's Shecky's clip of George W. Bush dancing with some Africans.

••• Anchor-for-a-Day A. J. Clemente needs a job after making some naughty words on KYFR-TV on Sunday. He's wasted no time setting up a much-needed service. / video:
(KFYR graphics)

(voice-over): "A. J. Clemente was fired by KFYR after this unfortunate incident on his first day."

(censored cussing clip)

(voice-over): "After being relieved of his position, A. J.'s proud to announce he's now available to come curse for you."

(censored cussing clip)

(voice-over): "That's right. For a nominal fee, A. J. Clemente will curse at your corporate event," (censor tones) "birthday party," (censor tones) "bar mitzvah," (censor tones) "or just to tell that special someone you love her." (censor tones) "Act now, and get half off golf appearances by Tiger Woods. Don't delay. Book today!" (censor tones)

••• President Obama had kid inventors at the White House. / clip: He's pedaling a bike on a stand on the lawn. Uh oh. The bike gets loose from the stand, and a startled chief executive goes screaming across the lawn, never to be seen again. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat:
  1. Half of Americans' meat contains superbugs, but help is on the way. / video:

    (clips): grocery store meat counter, then a meat processing plant

    (voice-over): "Based on new government data, a sizable increase has been found in meat contaminated with antibiotic-resistant superbugs. But don't worry. That's why there's Scotts™ Turf Builder® and Superbug Killer! Simply remove your meat from its packaging and spray it down!"

    (clip): Assistant cue card technician Todd Seda is treating his meat.

    (voice-over continues): "Water your meat daily, and after three to six weeks, dinner is served!"

    (clip): Todd Seda is now chowing down on a heaping helping of lawn.

    (voice-over): "Scotts™ Turf Builder® and Super Bug Killer. Yummo!"

  2. Alan Kalter presents the "Stooge of the Night."

    (CBSO): theme song

    (Alan): "Tonight's Stooge of the Night is Republican Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona!"

    (Dave): "Senator Flake voted 'no' on gun-control legislation, just weeks after saying, 'One thing we can all agree on is strengthening background checks for gun buyers.' Let's take another look at Jeff Flake. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. Good lookin' guy. Winning smile. Gettin' it done! Jeff Flake: our Stooge of the Night. Let's just take a couple of seconds here to..." (audience applaud) "Reminds me a little of Gomer Pyle. There he is. Senator Jeff Flake. Congratulations, Senator."

    (Alan): "Stooge of the Night," brought to you by Del Frisco's® Double Eagle Steak House®. Remember: It's not a steak unless it's a Double Eagle steak. Back to you, Dave."

••• The Twitter account of the Associated Press was hacked today. The wise guy hackers posted a claim that the White House had been attacked. / Top Ten Other AP Twitter Account Bulletins •••
Steve Martin plugs his new album, Love Has Come for You. What is this? Steve takes the guest chair for a moment, then thinks he's in Europe. He exits the stage, but Biff Henderson intercepts Steve and herds him back onstage. Steve has my August 14 birthday, by the way, but he's five years old than me.

After commercial: Edie Brickell takes the #1 guest chair. Steve shifts over, and Dave visits with Edie about her part in the album. She says New Bohemians are still performing in Texas. This begs the question, how much longer will they be New Bohemians? They formed in 1985.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Friday's Powerball numbers •••
The lovely Jenna Fischer plugs the series finale of The Office, which will air on May 16. That's the same day her off-Broadway play, Reasons to Be Happy, opens at the MCC Lucille Lortel Theatre, 121 Christopher Street.
••• Steve Martin, Edie Brickell and the Steep Canyon Rangers ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: another look at Wahoo Mike, probably covered with coal dust, still typing the next Wahoo Gazette or blue card.

4/24/13 [3837]: Tonight's audience shout out is something about a lady with an itching ear. Now you know. ••• A recent poll shows that Americans miss George W. Bush. Dave misses him, too. After all, Dave made a lot of money reporting his antics for eight years. Let's watch some clips of W.'s mishaps:
• helicopter entrance is too low
• tripping over something in a warehouse
• those pesky locked doors in Japan
• trying to bounce a basketball off a soft surface
• dodging shoes thrown by a Middle Eastern hothead
• expectorating on the White House lawn

••• Dave claims there's going to be a Dick Cheney Vice-Presidential Library. / video:

(Photoshop fun): We see a fine-looking, phony sculpture of Dick "Kaboom" Cheney's face on the side of a rocky cliff.

(deep, resonant voice emanating from Cheney's likeness): "Welcome."

(FX): An inferno erupts from Cheney's mouth.

(deep, resonant voice): "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa."

••• A. J. Clemente will be Dave's second guest tonight. Alan Kalter's been given some air time to visit with the newly-fired, one-segment anchorman. (A. J. wasn't allowed back for the late-evening newscast.) I think we all know how this is going to turn out. / video:
(Alan and A. J. in the green room)

(Alan, sternly lecturing A. J.): "It's one of the most important things to be aware of. As I was saying before, from the moment you enter the studio, you behave as if that microphone and camera are live. Got it?"

(A. J.): "Got it."

(Alan, censored): "GIVLing right, you've got it!"

(Alan exits.)

(Dave): "We're not proud of that, you know?"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Late Show Costume Designer Sue Hum Tries to Pick a Lock" (We see Sue working on a lock with only a straightened paper clip. She's not using a tension wrench. Thirty years from now, the door will still be locked.) Alan says, "Visit the Late Show website to enjoy all 96 minutes!" ••• desk chat: Dave's excited that A. J. is here. He's going to be fine. ••• "Stooge of the Night" /
(Alan): "Tonight's Stooge of the Night is Republican Senator Ted Cruz of Texas."

(photo): Senator Cruz, complete with his Twitter account: @SenTedCruz

(Dave): "Thank you very much, Alan. Senator Cruz voted 'no' on gun control reform. He recently received $14,000 in contribution from the Gun Owners of America, and the National Association for Gun Rights. Senator Ted Cruz... there he is. Stooge of the Night. How about a background check on his barber?"

••• [A Dutch company, Mars One, is planning a mission to Mars for four astronauts in 2023. It's one-way. There's no plan to get them back to earth, and their bodies will deteriorate in the weaker gravity of Mars.] / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Taking a One-Way Trip to Mars ••• Kate Hudson plugs The Reluctant Fundamentalist. She's always a good guest. •••
Katie Holmes kicked Tom Cruise out of the house, so he made some movies, including Oblivion. It's time for another "Tony Mendez Gives Away the Endings to Movies in Spanish." / Tony reviews the film, speaking mostly Spanish. He's very good. It's almost as if he wrote out the cue cards himself! Anyway, at the end of the review, Tony mimes cutting his throat.

Dave says, "That's not true. You didn't see the movie. There's not a chance in hell that Tom Cruise... in his own movie... ends up dead. Now, you're just lying to people. You didn't go to the movie. And you're not doin' this segment again."

Tony then delivers a powerful rant in Spanish, scatters cue cards everywhere, and takes a powder.

Dave says, "Well, that didn't go the way we wanted it, did it?" (video)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, Alan welcomes CBS executives tuning in who have the authority to give him a raise. •••
Dave visits with A. J. Clemente, recently fired by KYFR-TV in Bismarck for dropping the mother-of-all-cuss-words on-air in his first day as a news anchor. When A. J. explains that there was no stage manager to clue him in that they were near air time, and there was no earpiece, either, what he did didn't seem quite so clueless. He was stumbling over the name of the London Marathon winner, Tsegaye Kebede. Well, no wonder he said "GIVLing DJOY." Who wouldn't? Sue Simmons sure would.
••• Selena Gomez sings "Come and Get It." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/25/13 [3838]: Tonight's audience shout outs are to a Lutheran minister. ••• Well, we had to know it was coming. Mayor Bloomberg wants to put the smack down on cigarettes. / video:

(clip of Mayor Bloomberg and Tangerine Dream's "Love on a Real Train")

(voice-over): "Mayor Michael Bloomberg cares about New Yorkers' health. He plans to raise the minimum age for cigarette purchases from 18 to 21. Also, he's banning cigarettes over 16 ounces."

(clip): three guys smoking outside an Ed Sullivan Theater stage door / one working on a two-foot-long cigarette

(FX): stamped onscreen: "BANNED"

(graphic): seal of New York City

(voice-over): "The City of New York: End of discussion."

••• [The George W. Bush Presidential Library opened this week.] / "Thanks a Lot, Mom" / video:
(title graphic and TV theme song)

(Today Show clip): Barbara, Laura, Jenna and Barbara, Jr.

(interviewer): "Mrs. Bush, would you like to see your son, Jeb, run?"

(Barbara Bush): "He's by far the best-qualified man, but no... I really don't... We've had enough Bushes."

(title graphic and TV theme song)

••• I didn't know this. Dave tells us that at the GWB Library there's a mechanical bull, a fixins' bar, a barbecue pit, a dunk tank and a bouncy castle. / Here's more from CNN:
(female voice-over): "All five living presidents attended the dedication ceremony today for the new George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum. The ceremony included a tour of the 14,000-square-foot facility, but was held up momentarily after an unfortunate incident with one of the museum's many arcade machines."

(animation): George W. Bush is in one of those claw machines that kids can capture prizes from. He's pounding on the Plexiglas®, wanting out in the worst way.

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "More news, after this."

••• The NFL Draft is underway today. And how about the 2012 draft, a year ago today at Radio City Music Hall? / video:
(Roger Goodell): "With the 16th pick in the 2012 draft, the New York Jets select..."

(bogus voice-over): "Angela Lansbury"

(clip): Angela rises to go up and be recognized by the Jets organization.

(another clip): Jets fans in the balcony (didn't see Rupert Jee there) applaud enthusiastically.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and Alan doesn't feel so good. No more black market Botox! ••• desk chat:
Dave, an accomplished hypochondriac, reports that he's had cold and flu symptoms (or is it a tick-related disease?) all week. Everyone's telling him he has allergies. He's never had trouble with them, but everyone else has, so they want Dave to have 'em, too. Dave delivers the punchline. He says no matter what, he's not going to an allergist. He doesn't want one of those prick tests.
••• "Stooge of the Night": Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) ••• interruption:
There's major smoke on the set, over by the band. Naturally, Dave suspects Snoop Lion is involved. After all, he used to be Snoop Dogg, and, well... Anyway, a handheld camera finds Snoop just offstage, with a top-quality smoke machine. (When he was little, did the kids call him Snoopy?) (real name: Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr.)
••• NFL Hall of Famer Barry Sanders, the cover man for the new Madden NFL 25 game, delivers the Top Ten Signs You Probably Won't Make the NFL. ••• Jim Parsons plugs The Big Bang Theory. He's over 40 now, and past the point of worrying what people think of him. •••

Here's an unexpected treat: Carlos Slim, the world's richest man, is in town... all $57,000,000,000 worth of him, and he's in the Ed Sullivan Theater with some words of wisdom. Carlos takes the Akio Toyoda mark onstage. Here are his words, in English:

"Thank you, Jimmy. Hello, friends! My name is Carlos Slim. I'm a multi-billionaire and then some. Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! My tax refund just arrived, and I used the money to buy myself a few neckties... and an airline! Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (I like to open with a joke.) What a delightful turnout we have at tonight's seminar. I wish I could say the same about the buffet! Ha ha! (The buffet is not good.) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Many people ask me, 'Brave, handsome, Mr. Carlos Slim - how can I be as successful as you?' And I tell them, 'First get yourself $57 billion -- that will help, Zorro!' Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Now I must leave you -- I have to be home to watch Wheel and Jeopardy. I make more money sitting in my recliner than those losers do playing the game! Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sleep tight, Zorro! Ca-ching! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
••• Snoop Lion interview ••• Snoop Lion sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/26/13 [3839]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Ben from Hoboken, who had negative feedback about Dave's suit in the pre-show questions. ••• "History of Biting in Sports" / video:

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "Soccer."

(clip): Liverpool's Luis Suarez biting the arm of Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic, April 2013

(voice-over): "Boxing."

(clip): Mike Tyson biting the ear of Evander Holyfield, 1997

(voice-over): "Bodybuilding."

(clip): Arnold Schwarzenegger bites a carrot in whatever movie that was.

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'History of Biting in Sports.' "

••• "George W. Bush: Not Good with Numbers" / video:
(title graphic and goofy music)

(Diane Sawyer interview): "Do you have one word for the Republican Party today?"

(George W. Bush, smiling): "Uh... you will exist in the future."

(me): That's a very nice sentiment, but it consisted of seven words.

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic and goofy music)

••• [Naughty people have been counterfeiting $100 bills, so there's a new bill.] / video:
(clips): various shots of the $100 bill

(voice-over): "Introducing the newly-redesigned $100 bill, now enhanced with state-of-the-art security features, including a 3-D security ribbon, a counterfeit-proof portrait watermark, and, if someone tries to steal your wallet, the new $100 bill will do this:"

(animation): President Benjamin Franklin's image on the bill opens his mouth super-wide, and emits a series of squawks like a bird being tortured.

(voice-over): "The Federal Reserve... working for you."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Did You Know?": "Jon Hamm pretends to be other people for money. Keep watching, Matilda." ••• desk chat:
  1. The guy from Hoboken mouths off about Dave's suits, then his wife says she thinks Dave looks terrible. When Dave goes to someone else's home, he doesn't insult the host! (me): Would he insult Regis in his home? Yes, of course, but Dave's not going there, so his policy stands.

  2. During the commercial break, one of the staff guys lunged at Dave three (3) times.

  3. In Austria, an unfortunate gent was trapped in a hotel elevator for four days. / video from 4/24/08: We see security cam video of Dave trapped in an elevator in the Ed for 18 hours. Eventually a staffer enters the elevator and pushes the Down button.

    (Staffer to an exhausted Dave, on the floor, in a corner): "Helps if you press the button, IDIOT!"

    (Dave): "I know that."

    (me): Did Dave chew that same piece of gum for 18 hours, or was gum in his Elevator Emergency Kit?

••• "Stooge of the Night" is Senator Mark Pryor (D-Ark). Dave pretends the Senator is a used car salesman. Alan: " 'Stooge of the Night' " is sponsored by Del Frisco's® Double Eagle Steak House." ••• Jon Hamm plugs Mad Men. ••• interruption:
(FX): We hear a beeper going off.

(Dave, to an audience man in an aisle seat): "Hey. Hi. Is that you? What?"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's an emergency at the hospital."

(Dave): "Oh, oh. Not a problem. I understand. I'm sorry."

(Dr. Martin Foley): "I'm a thoracic surgeon at Mount Sinai. I have to get to the O.R. right away."

(Dave): "Of course! Well, good luck to you, sir. Thanks."

(Dr. Martin Foley): "You know, I've been doin' this for a long time, but... that split second, right before I make my first incision... I still feel this rush of terror. Oddly enough, though, it's the terror that allows me to perform my best work."

(Dave): "Well, you know, that's fascinating, and..."

(Dr. Martin Foley, cutting Dave off): "You know, I remember the first person I ever performed surgery on. Her name was Bella Lawrence. Wonderful woman! Very risky surgery. Right before the anesthesia kicked in, she said to me... she said, 'Doctor Foley, I am sooo scared.' I looked her right in the eyes..."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Dr. Martin Foley): "... and I said, 'Me, too, ...' "

(Dave): "I don't want to interrupt..."

(Dr. Martin Foley): "... 'but we'll get through this together,' "

(Dave): "Sure."

(Dr. Martin Foley): " '... I promise.' And it's days like that you're thankful for."

(Dave): "Really. Now, isn't this an emergency? And I want to make sure you get over there, 'cause traffic... you need to get..."

(Dr. Foley, checking his watch): "Oh, right! Oh. Uh, I... I can go on sometimes."

(Dave): "Yeah. Don't worry about it."

(Dr. Foley): "Which reminds me of what my medical school instructor said."

(Dave): "Right."

(Dr. Foley): "But he was a funny guy, ..."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Dr. Foley): "... but he had a lot to say, but mostly he said, 'Foley shut up!' "

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Dr. Foley): "Anyway, I... I... I'd better go. Thanks, but if you ever need a thoracic surgeon..."

(Dave): "Sure."

(Dr. Foley): "... My name's Dr. Martin Foley. I'm on Facebook." (exits)

(Dave): "OK, now... Martin Foley. We'll be right back with sleight-of-hand genius, Ricky Jay, everybody."

(me): Thanks to CelebriGum.com, we know that the beautiful lady seated next to Dr. Foley is intern Emily Erotas. (CelebriGum photo)

••• "Backstage Photo Club" bumper: Eddie Valk, Stage Manager" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and eye exercises with Alan Kalter ••• Magician Ricky Jay interview, and awesome card tricks ••• The So So Glos sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Hey!! We made it another week without Showbiz Weekend.]

4/29/13 [3840]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a Minnesotan. ••• The Jets have unloaded Tim Tebow. Here's "A Look at Tim Tebow's Jets Career." / video:

(title graphic and Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better")

(4-second-long clip): Tim Tebow on the bench, chewing gum

(title graphic and Carly Simon's "Nobody Does It Better")

••• Virgin Airlines has announced its new seat-to-seat drink delivery service.
(clip): Virgin Airways jet taking off

(voice-over): "Looking for mile-high love? Then try Virgin Airlines' new Seat-to-Seat Delivery."

(clip): It's segment producer Sarah Billington Connell in an aisle seat, being presented a drink bought by an admirer on the plane.

(voice-over): "Send them an erotic message."

(clip): Sarah notices something offensive on the screen on the seat in front of her.

(offensive message): "MY PANTS ARE IN AN UPRIGHT AND LOCKED POSITION"

(voice-over): "And if things don't work out, break up with him."

(clip): A flight attendant approaches the wise guy who originated the message and throws a drink in his face, compliments of Sarah.

(Dan Fetter, as the wise guy, soaking wet): "Oh, man!"

(voice-over and graphic): "Virgin Airlines: Come flirt with us."

(Paul Shaffer has a big laugh at the retaliation dealt to his trusted assistant.) (video)

•••
The George W. Bush Presidential Library has a replica of the Oval Office. As you can well imagine, Dave is very excited about anything involving his hero. / Jerry Foley splits the screen for Dave's visit with George W. Bush. / video: Aw... just jokes. Shecky has some stock footage of W. waiting to go on the air. Dave's questions go unanswered.
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Michael Dukakis: Where Is He Now?" (Alan: "We have no idea.") (me: "Who gives a rat's ass?") ••• desk chat:
  1. We see an Iron Man 3 clip with Robert Downey, Jr. / video:

    (voice-over): "When a formidable foe destroys all of his Iron Man honor, Tony Stark is forced to do battle wearing the only suit he has left."

    (Iron Man): "Sometimes you've got to run before you can walk."

    (clip): Iron Man's running on a rainy city street in a full-body costume. It's a floppy-eared, bow tie-wearing dog.

    (Iron Man): "How about that?"

    (voice-over and graphic): "Iron Man 3. Starts Friday."

  2. Tonight's "Stooge of the Night" features Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL). @MarcoRubio / We see Marco trying to have a stealth drink of water during his response to the State of the Union address. Tonight's "Stooge" is sponsored by Sammy's Roumanian Steak House, 157 Chrystie St., New York, NY.
••• [Martha Stewart allegedly has signed up for match.com.] / Top Ten Phrases You Don't Want to See in an Online Dating Profile / #7: "Mommy says I'm handsome." #1: "Twice, with Andy Dick." ••• Mindy Kaling plugs The Mindy Project. How she got on television completely escapes me. ••• interruption:
A middle-aged good old boy in a red plaid shirt appears near Paul's command module in a testimonial for Oyster Cove Seafood Syrup®.

(Good Old Boy): "Mornin' Dave. Mornin' Paul."

(Good Old Boy, now addressing the home viewers): "You know, folks, time was when breakfast was simple and satisfying. Well, the good old times are back, thanks to delicious Oyster Cove Seafood Syrup®! Made with chunks of real oysters, clams and mussels, adds a tangy taste of the sea to your pancakes... or waffles."

(Good Old Boy pours some of the 100% pure, all-natural goo on a stack of steaming flapjacks.)

(Good Old Boy offers the contaminated plate to Paul.): "Paul?"

(Paul, stammering): "I don't... I don't... I don't do, uh... shellfish."

(Good Old Boy): "Dave?"

(Dave): "Yeah, I'm a little shellfish myself."

(Good Old Boy): "Suit yourself! It's also terrific straight from the jug." (knocks some back)

(Good Old Boy, with goo dripping down his chin): "Oyster Cove Seafood Syrup®. That's what I've been craving!"

(Dave): "Who was that guy?"

(CBSO): Oyster Cove Seafood Syrup® jingle

(graphic): "may also contain jellyfish, sea urchin, and or barnacle"

••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Phoenix's upcoming Live on Letterman webcast ••• Former CIA analyst Nāda Bakos tells about the hunt for Osama bin Laden. She'll be seen in HBO's documentary, Manhunt. ••• after commercial: Dave claims Nāda confirmed that Steve Carell will be seen in the finale of The Office. ••• Ben Harper with Charlie Musselwhite and The Harlem Gospel Choir ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

4/30/13 [3841]: Washington Wizards player Jason Collins came out as gay this week. At 3½ minutes into the monologue, we see a Chyron graphic: "Dave Letterman: First Openly Gay Talk Show Host." ••• Prince William and Kate Middleton were married on April 29, 2011. It has to be much quieter at Buckingham Palace these days. Let's go live to the palace. / live video: Queen Elizabeth is out on a balcony, smoking. ••• Earlier this week, Matt Lauer persuaded Martha Stewart to sign up for match.com. / "Martha Stewart: Desperate for Love" / video:

(title graphic)

(Cue porno movie music.)

(clip): Martha is examining a chicken carcass. Let's hear her evaluation of the bird.

(Martha): "Niiice and moist. Oh, yeah. Look at this gorgeous meat!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and showing off Chris Dimino's new graphics package: "I bet anything would look impressive with these fancy new graphics. COLE SLAW. Yup!" ••• Tonight's "Stooge of the Night" is Senator Kelly Ayotte (R-NH). @KellyAyotte ••• Tonight's stoogette is sponsored by Sammy's Roumanian Steak House, 157 Chrystie St., New York, NY. ••• "Charts and Graphs" /

Thoughts after the Tony nominations were announced earlier today:
   22% "I knew Tom Hanks would be nominated for Best Actor."   78% "Will my wife suspect anything because I woke up early to watch the Tony nominations?"

Top ten early signs of spring:
   #1 first robin   #2 flowers budding   #3 Jay Leno fired from the Tonight Show

Reasons people enjoy watching Game of Thrones:
   64% the nudity   31% the dragons   5% the dragon nudity

America's favorite ice cream toppings:
   20% caramel   35% chocolate syrup   45% more ice cream

United States' foam finger production since 1971:
   The chart runs from 1971 to 2013. There was a big spike as we approached 2013. The red, filled area of the graph makes a #1 finger.

Today Show viewers' opinions of host Matt Lauer: (Dave wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.)
    64% hate Matt Lauer.   36% despise Matt Lauer.

Would you like to see a photo of an adorable baby hedgehog?
   100% "Dear Lord, yes!"

Most-popular TV show featuring zombies:
   80% The Walking Dead   20% Late Show with David Letterman

Americans' choice of sleep aid: (besides Late Show with David Letterman)
   39% Sominex®   60% Ambien®   1% Dr. Conrad Murray

Do you consider yourself a leader or a follower?
   50% leader   50% "Whatever they said."

••• Dr. Phil McGraw

Dr. Phil comes out ornery. He says, "I always feel good about myself until I come here." Dr. Phil's not an M.D., but Dave wants to know about allergies. Dr. Phil tells Dave, "It's probably guilt." For many years, Dave had held himself superior to allergy sufferers. Dr. Phil informs him, "So now this is karma kicking you in your sarcastic ass." The two gents have quite a fine discussion on baldness and toupees. Then they cover America's attitude toward gays, and why in this day and age it's still a big deal. All in all, it was a fine interview, and some excellent zingers added to the fun.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Chris O'Dowd plugs HBO's new Family Tree. ••• Phoenix sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Queen Elizabeth smoking. ••• [Phoenix do a live webcast at 8 ET.]

5/01/13 [3842]: It's Tony Awards nomination time. To make them more exciting this year, CBS will be calling them the Jimmys. Hey... there's a new category for the awards. / video:

(clip): Tony Awards nomination show

(female host): "And now, for the nominees. The nominees for Best Performance by a Guy Dragged Against His Will to a Broadway Show are:" (with audience shots for each nominee)

  • "Larry Brand" (playing with his iPhone)
  • "Chris Parks" (nodding off)
  • "George Tompkins" (dead asleep)
  • "and Mark Gibbons." (getting up to leave)
(female host, continuing): "Congratulations to all of this year's nominees."
••• Tom Wheeler has been nominated as the next chairman of the Federal Communications Commission. / announcement video:
(voice-over): "The Federal Communications Commission is poised to enter a new era. President Obama has nominated a capable leader to serve as our next chairman."

(photo of the nominee, with his bogus name, Djoy Givlson, partly blurred)

(FX): censor beeps when his name is mentioned

(graphic): FCC logo

(voice-over): "The FCC: Guarding the nation's airwaves since 1934."

••• It was two years ago that we exterminated Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Hey... here's a photo of Osama's hideout. / Oh, stop that! Jerry Foley's making a funny. That's Trump's place in Palm Beach.

••• Matt Lauer persuaded the beloved Martha Stewart to sign up for match.com. But... she is an ex con, so be careful about dating her. Here's Cybill Shepherd in the TV movie Martha Behind Bars.

(country scene): lady running along a country road on a wintry day

(Cybill, as Martha, in a pick-up, slows to visit with the runner.): "Hey, slut. I'm sending a letter to your parents. Tell 'em you're a whore."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "What's the Deal with Rhetorical Questions?" ••• desk chat:
  1. "Local News Highlight of the Night" / video:

    (title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

    (KHOU TV-11 Houston weather guy and hiccup sufferer, David Paul): "Katy's had most of the rain so far. Lightning (hiccup) and thunder. Excuse me. I-10 on the west side, Addicks. (hiccup) Excuse me. I have the hiccups, of course. Right in here. Bellair. (hiccup) Excuse me. It's 6:22... toward 6:30. Cypress (hiccup) as it heads off to the Katy area, arriving there right around 5:36 (hiccup). Excuse me. You can see scattered showers and a couple of (hiccup) thunderstorms. Here's your extended forecast. (hiccup) Excuse me."

    (title graphic and music)

  2. Dave corrects the name of the FCC nominee (which was bogus, anyway) as "(censored)son" and not "(censored)son." Dave apologizes to anyone in the (censored)son family.
••• "Stooge of the Night" is Senator Richard Burr (R-NC) @SenatorBurr. Tonight's stooge is sponsored by Sammy's Roumanian Steak House, 157 Chrystie St., New York, NY. Alan Kalter says, "You've tried the rest. Now try the Bucharest." ••• The Atlanta Falcons are building a new stadium that has vibrating seats. / Top Ten Other Stadium Renovations ••• Stupid Pet Tricks /
  1. Heather Brook and her Jack Russell terrier, Jesse, are from Litchfield Park, Arizona. (Their first appearance was on 9/23/09.) After Dave's "How's the Doggie?" visit, Jesse does a bunch of somersaults. Jesse nails 'em! (video)

  2. Linda Wright and her Australian cattle dog, Rogue, are from Irvine, California. (Their first appearance was on 11/13/12.) Rogue drives a toy plastic pick-up. (with honking, of course)

  3. Jonathan Offi and his Australian cattle dog (mix), Hydro, are from St. Louis and Big Cyr, California. Hydro high jumps three times. He barely misses the first two times (tail dragging), but nails the third jump! (The bar was up there, too... right at Dave's eyes, at first.)
••• Tobey Maguire plugs The Great Gatsby, opening on May 10. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• interruption: It's the premiere of "Late Show Charades!" /
Kathy Mavrikakis and Michael Leach try to guess what movie title Todd Seda is acting out. (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest)
••• Tom Odell sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Stupid Pet Trick (Hydro's high jump)

5/02/13 [3843]: "Local News Bulletin of the Night" / Lindsay Nielsen, Albany, N.Y. WTEN TV-10:

(title graphic)

(Lindsay Nielsen in Gloversville): "Mr. Ding-A-Ling, though, declined to comment on any of this."

(background): This story is about rivalry between an established ice cream vendor (Sno Cone Joe) and an upstart (Mr. Ding-a-Ling). Apparently Sno Cone Joe believe they own Gloversville.

(title graphic)

••• "Reactions to the Jason Collins Announcement" / video:
(title graphic on a cute basketball-pebble background)

(Bill Clinton photo and voice-over): "Former president Bill Clinton said, 'Jason's announcement today is an important moment for professional sports, and in the history of the LGBT community.' "

(David Stern photo and voice-over): "NBA commissioner David Stern said, 'We are proud he has assumed the leadership mantle on this very important issue.' "

(Martha Stewart photo and voice-over): "And Martha Stewart said, 'That's one more guy who won't sleep with me.' "

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Reactions to the Jason Collins Announcement.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Did You Know?": "To maintain privacy, Paris Hilton checks into hotels under the name 'Brussels Marriott.' " ••• desk chat: Paris Hilton is here, and Dave couldn't be happier. •••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Johnny Isakson (R-GA) @SenatorIsakson. Tonight's stooge is onscreen for 84 seconds. The segment is sponsored by Mamma Leone's Ristorante, a company that closed in Manhattan in 1994.
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. / interruption: Jay Johnson, Mr. Digital Media, is Jay Hammond of WCBS-TV 2, on site for a Late Show update. /
(Jay): "3... 2... 1... Good evening. I'm here live at the Ed Sullivan Theater, where the Late Show is currently in progress. Jokes so far have been marginally funny, and audience reaction ranges from bored to angry," (audience shot) "... especially the guy on the end of the second row. I'll be here all night as the situation unfolds. For CBS-2 News, I'm Jay Hammond."

(Jay, now off-air) "OK? Great."

(Dave): "What was that all about?"

(Paul): "That was a local news guy."

(Dave): "Jay Hammond."

(Paul): "Jay Hammond. Yeah."

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear in a Movie Preview (presented by voice actor Hugh Morgan) / #4: Strap yourself in for two hours you'll never get back." •••
Paris Hilton plugs her fragrances, and her upcoming role in The Bling Ring. Dave tries to engage her in a discussion about Lindsay Lohan (who walked out of day one of rehab earlier today), but Paris won't go very far on that topic. Dave has a fun game for Paris. He persuades her to deploy a blindfold, then tests her on a perfume. She guesses Heiress™. Nope. Her second guess is Just Me™. Yes! Dave makes a big production of removing fragrance one from her wrist, then applies a bit of the next one. Paris, smiling, says, "You're such an asshole! Did you put Windex® on me?" Yes! (FX): Late Show "yes" bell. Paris warns Dave, "I'm going to get you for that. You were very naughty." Then, via the Green Room Cam, we get to meet Paris's Spanish boyfriend, River Viiperi, who's wearing a white plastic watch that's pretty much the size of a grandfather clock. He seems like a nice dude. (video)
•••
desk chat interruption: "TILT" stamped onscreen / alarm klaxon / Items on Dave's desk start sliding off toward 54th Street.

The situation normalizes, but not before all of us in TV Land have had quite a scare. Then we see stagehand Gene Szymanski off to the side with his buddies, who have been running a sideways puppet show with Dave's desktop accessories, via invisible wires. (Isn't Sweeps month the best?!)

••• Miriam Tucker, 80, from South Tampa, tells about accidentally swallowing a 1.03-karat diamond (valued at $5,000) at a charity event. Said diamond was retrieved during an otherwise-negative colonoscopy. ••• Atlas Genius sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of Dave and Paris, with blindfold

5/03/13 [3844]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Clarice. She apparently works for Nike, because Dave claims everyone in the audience is getting free Nike stuff. ••• As we all know by now, Matt Lauer persuaded Martha Stewart to sign up for match.com a few days ago, thus providing late night talk show hosts with material. / "{Martha Stewart} Desperate for Love" / video:

(title graphic and sexy music)

(clip): Martha's on the Home Shopping Network for their feature "Martha Stewart Crafts Celebration." Whatever's she's hawking has sold 1127 units, and costs $33.25.

(Martha): "Mom taught me how to knit. Uh, this is much easier than knitting, believe me."

(Tell your kids to avert their eyes before we go farther.): OK. I see what they did here. The Late Show made up the HSN graphics. Maybe Martha wasn't even on the HSN. In a new shot, we see a bogus Martha's hands at work on a blonde-haired male doll with bug eyes.

(bogus Martha's voice, as she adds detail to the male doll's face): "This is so inspiring to see it. So we'll show you what you get, and how easy it is to play with this."

(title graphic)

••• The History Channel's series, The Bible, had all kinds of viewers, so they're planning a sequel.
(scenes from The Bible and voice-over): "12 million people tuned in for The History Channel's epic miniseries, The Bible. And now the saga continues, when the newly-risen Christ takes on three new disciples, who are pious, loyal and furry?"

(clip): It's our old friends, The Chipmunks, singing.

(voice-over): "The Bible 2: The Squeakquel.

(clip of Jesus, out in a rocky landscape, hollering): "Allllvinnn."

(me): "Jesus is yelling just like David Seville, 50 years ago. Do I own the red vinyl LP, Let's All Sing with the Chipmunks, ©1959? Yes, I do. Who's asking?"

(voice-over and graphic): "Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Late Show Staffers Who Look Like Celebrities": Production accountant Joe DeGeorge looks exactly like Brad Pitt. •••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Max Baucus (D-MT) @MaxBaucus. Tonight's stooge is onscreen for 74 seconds. The segment is sponsored by Mamma Leone's Ristorante, a company that closed in Manhattan in 1994.
••• [The story behind the TTL was brought up last night. An established ice cream vendor (Sno Cone Joe) is using heavy-handed tactics against the new kid on the block, Mr. Ding-a-Ling. Apparently Sno Cone Joe believe they own Gloversville, New York.] / Top Ten Signs Your Ice Cream Truck Driver Is Nuts •••
Nathan Lane, The Toast of Broadway, drops by to plug The Nance. (It's showing eight times a week at the Lyceum Theatre, 149 W. 45th St.) Nathan's always a great guest. Dave wonders how he withstands eight performances per week. "Prescription drugs," Nathan replies. (Just jokes.) Tickets run about $127.
••• The 139th running of the Kentucky Derby is tomorrow. I don't have to tell you how excited Dave is to have Dave Johnson, track announcer, on the phone for his annual delivery of "and down the stretch they come." As always, Dave Johnson gives us some play-by-play before he lets 'er rip. (audio) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a look at Alan Kalter's brand new accent table, just beside his perch. ••• Joe Matarese does stand-up. Check out his podcast, "Fixing Joe." ••• Kacey Musgraves sings about smoking. She's cute. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/06/13 [3845]: Dave says the show is trying to have new segments. After all, it is Sweeps month. / "Sleepy Cameraman of the Night" / video:

(title graphic and chimes lullaby)

(NBA playoffs clip): Phil Jackson says, "Um, it was... I think we, um... We weren't as aggressive as they were, especially on the boards... First quarter, we were able to score. We were fine, but uh, second quarter got away from us a little bit..."

(As Phil goes on, the camera angle slowly drifts down. His eyes disappear before the cameraman regains consciousness.)

(title graphic and chimes lullaby)

••• "Chris Christie Is Overweight Spider-Man" / video:
(background): New Jersey Governor Chris Christie got a visit to his office from his daughter Bridget's 4th-grade class on May 3. With the kids gathered around his desk, he executed a spider that appeared... much to the dismay of PETA.

(clip of the governor speaking, and movie trailer-style voice-over): "A New Jersey governor makes a routine visit to a local school,..."

(clip): Gov. Christie killing a spider but when a run-in with a mutant spider introduces radioactive venom into his system,..."

(DNA animation)

(voice-over): "...he undergoes a startling transformation."

(clip): Spidey

(voice-over): "Chris Christie is Overweight Spider-Man. Now playing at fake theaters everywhere."

••• Dave wanted to show clips of the Kentucky Derby, but his pals at NBC wouldn't give him anything. All he got was multiple hang-ups. Don Ohlmeyer wouldn't deliver, either. / "Kentucky Derby Simulation" /
(title graphic and Olympic-style fanfare)

(clip): Yes, you guessed it. It's a goose race.

(track announcer): "And here comes Orb on the outside. Now, to take the lead as they come down to the ?? It is Orb in front, from Normandy Invasion. My Loot and Golden Soul between horses. Down to the wire. Orb has won the Kentucky Derby!!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "At Ellis Island, John Krasinski's great-grandfather's late name was shortened from 'Krasinskisinski." ••• desk chat:
When you're a wise guy, everybody tries to outwiseguy you. Dave was at a little league game over the weekend. He was talking to the coach's wife, and mentioned he missed last weekend's game because the family went to Virginia to visit Jefferson's stomping grounds, Monticello. Her family had been there, too. She asked if Dave had been there before. "Yeah, when I was a kid, my uncle took me there." Coach's wife says, "Was Jefferson president then?"
•••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator John Boozman (R-ARK). @JohnBoozman. Dave really works this Senator over. He gets a record 130 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by P. J. Clarke's, as seen in Billy Wilder's 1945 movie, The Lost Weekend. It must be quite a place, since it showed up in a movie a mere 68 years ago.
••• [The completely-normal electrocardiogram of Neil Armstrong at the moment he stepped on the moon is about to be auctioned.] / Top Ten Least Impressive Auction Items ••• John Krasinski plugs the series finale of The Office. ••• desk chat: The Late Show staff have started a badminton league. It's a great game! As it happens, there's a game underway right now.
The scrim rises, and we see cue card dude Todd Seda playing himself by running back and forth.

(Dave): "Why are you playing by yourself?"

(Todd): "Uh, no one else signed up."

(Dave): "I'm the Stooge of the Night."

••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club": writer's segment producer Amy Deiboldt and George Takei ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and airplane boarding instructions ••• Kerri Washington plugs Peoples. ••• James Blake sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/07/13 [3846]: "{Martha Stewart} Desperate for Love" / video:

(title graphic and sexy music)

(Martha, in Late Show Unfair Edits): "You can experiment with different oils."

(Martha, measuring flattened dough): "See, now it's 12 inches. Perfect!"

(Martha, cooking hamburgers: "Get your buns ready."

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This has been '{Martha Stewart} Desperate for Love.' "

••• "Local News Highlight of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

(KLIN-TV 3, Lincoln, Nebraska): "A traffic stop here in Lincoln led police to a suspicious pot of chili."

(title graphic)

••• Dave's had surgery. He believes that with every surgery, you have to work through the construction punch list afterward. Chris Christie has recently had laparoscopic band surgery on his tummy. Yup. There are a few things to tweak. / video:
(clip): Chris is giving a speech on the budget.

(FX): Whoops! He loses weight so fast, his whole body disappears below his noggin. The Governor's quite the trooper. Even after his head rolls onto its side, he's still calmly addressing his constituents. Mark my words: Christie will be our first disembodied Commander in Chief, but someone else will have to push the button to launch the missiles.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Happy Whatever de Mayo." ••• desk chat:
  1. Todd Rundgren is sitting in with the CBSO tonight. It's been too long. By the way, Dave's fascinated with the rainbow colors on Todd's suit. That's fine, but nothing can hold a candle to those cool pastel suits Tom "Bones" Malone wears every night.

  2. Dave's a fan of Central Park. It's a nice, peaceful escape in the big city, but what about the dreaded snakehead fish, a.k.a. Frankenfish? Dave claims that the mayor has an announcement. / video:
    (voice-over and various clips): "The Frankenfish is characterized by its snake-like head, razor-sharp teeth and the ability to live for days out of water. Contact authorities immediately if you spot one of these predators in Central Park, or if you suspect a restaurant is substituting their seafood with Frankenfish."

    (staffer I can't name): gets bitten in the mouth by his lunch!

    (CBSO jingle and graphic): "We hope you enjoyed our little skit."

•••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa). @ChuckGrassley. This Senator gets a mere 68 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by P. J. Clarke's. "Tell 'em Ray Milland (The Lost Weekend) sent you."
••• Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches / me: This brought to mind Warren Zevon's dying message to Dave: "Enjoy every sandwich." ••• desk chat: Dave still wants to talk about Todd's wacky suit. Now he has some silly little rainbow-colored snare drum. Todd: "I killed a drum set to get this suit." •••
Zooey Deschanel plugs New Girl, her comedy on Fox. (video) She's an engaging and beautiful guest. Zooey's co-starring with Meathead himself, Rob Reiner. And... coincidentally, she's a huge fan of This Is Spinal Tap. Of course, TV's Paul Shaffer starred as Artie Fufkin.
•••
Now, this is a distinct privilege. Joining us onstage is Dr. Stuart Brinworth, professor of metallurgy at Columbia University, and who better to review Iron Man 3? (OK, it's Gerard Mulligan.)

(Professor): "Iron Man. Really? Iron Man. Immediately, all credibility is right out the window. Iron is a relatively-soft, heavy, metallic element. That suit... is not... made... of iron! It's an alloy of some kind... probably titanium! You'd need a very specialized molecular structure to provide the high-strength, low-weight properties of a flying suit! Does Hollywood think we're idiots? The character's name should be something like High-Carbon Steel and Titanium-Alloy Man!" (Gerard's on a roll now.) "And here's another thing: People talk about tinfoil. It's not tinfoil. It's aluminum foil! Tinfoil hasn't been a consumer product since the 1940s!" (Dave tries to cut him off.) (Now two of DeLace's security tough guys grab Professor Gerard and lead him offstage.) "Listen to me, America. Pencils don't have lead in them. It's graphite! Graphite, you hear me? It's not lead... it's graphite! What's wrong with you people? Manganese Man: that's a movie I would go see. Tin cans? Guess what: No tin!" (Gerard is long since offstage now, and hollering to compensate.) "Metal music: Don't get me started! God! And nickels? People really think they're made of nickel? Get a clue!" (The CBSO drowns him out, enroute to a commercial.) (video)

••• Act 5: It's Todd Rundgren with the CBSO. ••• Jim Gaffigan is in interview mode. There's no stand-up this time. The father of five is plugging his new book, Dad Is Fat. ••• Pistol Annies sing. ••• [partial credits]

5/08/13 [3847]: Forbes has named Tim Tebow America's Most-Influential Athlete for 2013. / video:

(voice-over): "Forbes would like to congratulate Tim Tebow for being named Most Influential Athlete for 2013. By influential, we mean a compelling figure who gets the public's attention on issues. And by athlete, we mean someone who does this."

(clip): Tim Tebow warming the bench during a Jets-Patriots game

(voice-over): "Forbes: Still in print."

••• monologue: Dave tells a joke about past indiscretions perpetrated by former governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, who got elected to Congress yesterday. / Tony Mendez shows the highly-edited cue card for the joke. ••• New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had tummy surgery earlier this year. He's lost 40 pounds already! Two male interns on the front row of the audience are wearing a pair of Christie's khaki pants. I'd venture to say there's room in those pants for three more interns. Costume designer Sue Hum had quite a project today! ••• "History of Politicians and Weight Loss" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music

(Photoshop fun): a ginormous President Taft in a bubble bath

(voice-over): "February 2013: Governor Chris Christie underwent lap-band surgery, and has already lost more than 40 pounds. October 2011: President Bill Clinton switched to an all-vegan diet, and lost over 25 pounds. March 1912: President Taft improved his appearance by installing a larger bathtub. This has been 'History of Politicians and Weight Loss.' "

(title graphic)

••• Remember Mr. Rogers? Someone's making a movie of the Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood TV show. Here's a preview.
(clips of Fred Rogers)

(voice-over): "He taught us to care. He taught us to share. Now, one of the most-beloved television icons of our time is going to teach us how to KICK SOME ASS. Vin Diesel is Mr. Rogers, and it's a dangerous day in the neighborhood."

(clips): vehicles crashing and burning

(voice-over): "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. Coming soon.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "A Reminder from the Consumer Product Safety Commission": "Though they're shiny and attractive, paper clips are not to be eaten." ••• desk chat: Dave says to go see the new Great Gatsby movie. There's also a novelization of the film. / announcement:
(movie clips)

(voice-over): "Critics are already raving about Great Gatsby 3-D, hitting theaters this Friday. And now you can relive the magic of the film in book form, with the Great Gatsby novelization."

(young man, reading giant print): "This book is amazing!"

(voice-over): "The Great Gatsby 3-D novelization. The future of literature is now."

•••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Rand Paul (R-KY). @SenRandPaul. The Senator gets a respectable 98 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Nedick's, for fine hot dogs and hot dog-related materials, since before 1981! (me: They're out of business.)
••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. / interruption: A teenage boy rides a bike onto the set.
(teen punk): "Hey Letterman... I'll be waiting for you after the show, on 53rd Street."

(Dave): "OK. Why? I got... things to do. I don't need problems with you."

(teen punk): "Well, now you've GOT problems."

(In a startling show of force, the little bastard takes one of Dave's double-eraser pencils from the mug and snaps it right in two. He throws the deceased pencil onto the desk, mounts the bike and makes a quick getaway.)

(Paul): "His attitude..."

(Paul): "Hey, David. Who was that?"

(Dave): "I think it was one of the Jimmys."

(me): Looking at the bright side, assuming there's a sharpener in the house, now you have two pencils you can actually write with.


Tony Mendez gave me this prized item in 2009.

••• [The first James Bond film, Dr. No, open 50 years ago today.] / Top Ten Least Memorable James Bond Films: #6. Gold Bond: The Spy Who Loved Medicated Powder ••• Michael Strahan plugs Live. He's no Regis. ••• It's Alan Kalter's "Prove Me Wrong."

(Alan): Thank you, Dave. I'm sure you're all familiar with Ted Danson, the Emmy-winning actor known for his work in Cheers, Becker, C.S.I.... Curb Your Enthusiasm, just to name a few of his shows. But are you aware that Ted makes most of his money from trafficking in black market kidneys, which he obtains from indigents who live in his string of flop houses? PROVE ME WRONG!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "The views of Alan Kalter are his own and do not reflect the opinions of David Letterman, the Late Show, or CBS. Complaints, lawsuits, and any evidence disproving Alan's claims may be directed to:"

Prove Me Wrong!
c/o The Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
••• "Backstage Photo Club" bumper / Eddie Brill ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Alyson Hannigan plugs How I Met Your Mother. ••• Natalie Maines sings with Ben Harper. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/09/13 [3848]: [Dave's back on the cicadas topic. He's taken with the idea that we only have them every 17 years. In Kansas we have them every year, without fail, and hear their loud serenades most evenings from late June into October.] / monologue:

(Dave): "You know what's comin' back after 17 years? They haven't been here for 17 years. They're back in New York City, and they're crazy. Cicadas."

(Paul chimes in): "Oh, no!"

(Dave): "Cicadas. They mate once every 17 years, like Martha Stewart, and they're back!! And they got to town this morning, and the first thing they said: 'Boy, Letterman got old!' "

••• "Weekend Preview" (This is a good one.) / video:
(title graphic and dentist's office music)

(photos): Twenty-something guys by 60-something women)

(voice-over): "Sunday is Mother's Day. It's also Guys Who Date Elderly Women Day."

(photo): restaurant scene, with lots of May-December couples

(voice-over): "Have fun guessing when you're at brunch."

(title graphic and dentist's office music)

••• "The Daytime Emmy Award Nominees" / video:
(title graphic and pretentious award show music)

(the usual awards-show female voice-over): "Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling for a News Program: Mary Matalin on This Week with George Stephanopoulos."

(clip): Matalin is seated next to James Carville, famous Democrat. Her hair is an absolute mess. Obviously she just got a noogie from James.

(George): "...Mary Matalin. Welcome to both of you."

(the usual awards-show female voice-over): "See you at the Daytime Emmy Awards!"

(title graphic)

••• [We all know by now that Gov. Chris Christie had lap-band tubby-tummy surgery earlier this year.] / "What's on Chris Christie's Mind?" / video:
(title graphic)

(Christie, working a crowd): "Dairy Queen®."

(title graphic)

••• "What's on Chris Christie's Mind?" / video:
(title graphic)

(Christie, working a crowd): "Hot dogs."

(title graphic)

••• "CBS News Special Report" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. Pfizer® has announced they're now selling Viagra™ online. News of the decision spread quickly, as loyal customers raced to their computers to place an order."

(clip): Dave, at his desk, on his MacBook Pro

(voice-over): "This has been a CBS News Special Report."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "My ex-wife and I prounounced potato and tomato the same way. Profound incompatibility in other areas caused us to call the whole thing off." ••• desk chat:
Dave has more about cicadas, saying their arrival is quite predictable. / interruption: Out of nowhere, there's a cicada plague in the vicinity of Dave's desk. He's annoyed with the bug-eyed creatures, and since they're FX cicadas, they soon depart. / interruption #2: Tony Mendez screams bloody murder. Jerry Foley gets a camera on Tony to see what's wrong. The cicadas have migrated to Tony, and his shirt and face are covered with them. Tony delivers powerful, gripping overacting. He tries to fan away his new pets with cue cards, running around like a ninny, eventually exiting stage right. We hear the horror-movie stinger. (me: How about some "Blue Horizon?")

(Dave): "That was our little cicada skit. Dave calls Tony out to take a bow, along with Sue Hum, who glued the FX cicadas on him.

(CBSO): play a peppy version of "That's Entertainment" during the curtain call

•••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA). @Saxby Chambliss. Dave does a Southern good old boy routine: "You come down here. I'll take your nose off." The Senator gets 74 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's of New York.

(me): I've not been the #1 fan of "Stooge," but Dave's starting to soup up the episodes with silly commentary, and I love the CBSO's theme song.

••• Dave sets up the Top Ten by revealing that he was home-schooled. Furthermore, he provided the instruction. (Now many things become clear.) / "Teach for America" teachers present the Top Ten Reasons I Decided to Become a Teacher. Presenting are: Zach Smith, Simone Williams, Alexa Rodriguez, Andrea Gardner, Madeline Broder, Eric (swipe his last name from the Wahoo), Sarah Chen, (WHO?), Trevor Wallace and Juan Estrada. ••• Jungle Jack Hanna has quite a diverse assortment of critters:
  1. Asian water monitor (with deadly oral bacteria)
  2. scorpion (with a poisonous butt) It glows green under lighting. Jack says it's a member of the Tripod family.
  3. black jaguar (with a super-powerful jaw)
  4. sandhill crane (What's the deal with those skinny little legs?)
  5. baby birds to feed (owls, finches and crows)
  6. young penguin from South Africa (Daddy penguins sit on the eggs while Mom parties in the ocean.)
  7. Eurasian lynx
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• desk chat: Dave itemizes Jack's TV shows, then we see a clip of his arrival on 53rd St. (Jack crawls out of a cage in the back of a van.) ••• Benedict Cumberbatch plugs Star Trek Into Darkness. (Does he have a Harry Potter name, or what?) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/10/13 [3849]: The cicada fascination continues, so here's "A Guide to Cicada Sounds." / video

(title graphic)

(cicada pics)

(voice-over): "The Brood XII cicada makes this noise." (clip) "The Brood XV cicada makes this noise." (clip) "And the Brood II cicada that will soon invade the East Coast makes this noise." (Talking animated cicadas are making a sound that's like a goose honking. I think the cicadas are doing Charlie Callas.) "Stay strong, America."

••• It's Mother's Day weekend, and time for a Hallmark commercial.
(photo): Mother's Day circled on a calendar

(female voice-over with mom photos): "Show Mom you love her this Mother's Day, by sending a Hallmark card. We have cards for everyone: For the mother who's celebrating for the first time. For the mother who's always there when you need her..."

(photo): Martha Stewart

(Hallmark logo and voice-over): "And for the mother who trolls for sex online. Hallmark. We make cardboard rectangles."

••• Do you have difficulty with family holidays? There's help. / video:
(clip): young man on a couch, reading, picks up his phone and sees a Mother's Day reminder on his phone

(voice-over): "Do you dread Mother's Day? You're not alone. One in three Americans dread this holiday. That's where we can help. We're FAMcorp. And for just $49.95, we'll send a guy who sort of looks like you to take Mom out for her special day."

(clip): The doppelganger's hanging with Mom.

(voice-over): "And Mom will be none the wiser."

(Mom): "I love you, son."

(voice-over): "She'll have the best Mother's Day ever!

(clip of the derelict real son napping)

(voice-over): "And so will you!"

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "FAMcorp is not an escort agency."

(me): If your lookalike is really tough, is he called a doppelganster?

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave does his Julia Child impression, last heard on March 26. It goes exactly like this:
(Dave, as Julia): "My thanks to our special guest today, Douglas Douglas, showing us how to make his famous chocolate dessert, Chocolate Douglas, from the world-famous restaurant in Detroit, Douglas."

(CBSO): fanfare

(Dave, on a roll): "Chocolate Douglas. My special guest, Douglas Douglas. Restaurant Douglas."

(me): The big joke is Julia's pronunciation of Douglas, which Julia consistently delivered as "dew-GLOSS."

(video): right here

•••
Dave claims to be excited about The Great Gatsby 3-D. (That makes one of us. According to Wikipedia, that hotshot novelist, F. Scott Fitzgerald, wrote it.) Anyway, Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio's in the film. Dave has a spoiler. / clip: Various properties are sinking in the ocean, as Celine Dion sings that overly-dramatic song from Titanic. At least I've seen that movie. Once.
•••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Heidi Heitkamp (D-ND). @SenatorHeitkamp. Dave works her over pretty good for her bright red outfit. The Senator gets 103 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stoogette is sponsored by Patsy's of New York.
••• OK. Here's what we've been waiting for. The writers have cooked up an awesome bunch of Mother's Day cards. Watch closely, won't you?
  • "Happy Mother's Day, Mom (or current occupant at this address)
  • "Mom, Can I Have the House When You Drop Dead?"
  • "Thanks for the Obesity Gene, Hefty Mom"
  • "Enjoy your Mother's Day brunch!" (inside: two strips of bacon, two not-so-fresh strawberries and one sugar cookie)
  • "Mom-- Thanks for supporting me when the Germans took my monkey." (The Germans recently confiscated little Justin Bieber's monkey, Mally.)
  • "Mother, We Bought You Teeth. Please Use Them."
  • "Happy state-mandated day of motherhood, Kim Jong Mom."
  • "Mom, for the love of God, please destroy that video of my conception"
  • "Mom, I Know We Don't Talk as Much As We Should, But You're the One In Solitary Confinement" (spelled Confiment on the card)
  • "I Love You Mom, But You're Too Old To Dress Like a Slut"
••• Parents in Queensland, Australia taught their seven-month-old toddler how to ski. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Baby's Mind at This Moment ••• Chris Pine plugs Star Trek into Darkness. ••• This is huge! Chris Christie's office called. Then they sent over the governor's used pants. Stagehands raise them to the rafters, just like the jersey of a star athlete. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": Matt Roberts ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Tom Dreesen bores us all silly. ••• She & Him sing. (That's Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward.) (M. Ward is Matt Ward.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/13/13 [3850]: Barbara Walters announced her upcoming retirement on The View this morning. It's been a long, distinguished career for her. Have any doubts about distinguished? Look at this old clip of her on the Today Show:

(cohost): "That's today's top news. 33½ after the hour. Bob?"

(Barbara, with a dark mustache and tiny beard): "Today's rising prices are enough to upset anyone's stomach. One of the most economical and effective ways to..."

••• The budget sequester (whatever that is) has affected the military. / "Navy Budget Cuts" / video:
(title graphic, dramatic music and submarine footage)

(voice-over): "After budget cuts caused by the sequestration, the Navy can only attack enemy vessels by dropping this."

(clip): A fat guy (looks like Louie Anderson) dives into a pool.

(voice-over): "This has been 'A Late Show Fat Joke.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski, dressed in all white as an ice cream man, visits Dave at his monologue mark. (I wonder if he had that on when he polished the stage floor just before airtime.)
(Dave): "Hi. Can I help you?"

(Gene): "Yes. Um, I was supposed to come out here, but I can't remember why."

(Dave): "Wait a minute. You can't remember why you're supposed to come out here? What about... you're dressed like an ice cream man. Did it have somethin' to do with suppertime, ice cream... ice cream trucks... uhh, somethin' like that?"

(Gene): "That would make sense, but I can't remember why. I missed rehearsal."

(Dave): "Right. Well, I wasn't here for rehearsal, either. Uhh... What about this... was it... was it a joke about me being so old? Was it something like that?"

(Gene): "No."

(Dave): "Yeah. Uhh, was it about the quality of tonight's show?"

(Gene): "No, although the show sucks."

(Dave): "Um... was it... was it one of those non sequitur kind of a thing that makes no sense to anybody... one of those random deals where a guy shows up, nobody gets the joke and then he leaves? Was it one of those?"

(Gene): "Yes! That's it! I'm really sorry about this."

(Dave, as Gene leaves): "OK. Alright. Great. Thanks. Well, that was..."

(Gene, runs back onstage): "Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!"

(Dave): "OK. What was it?"

(Gene): "It was about you being the real Mr. Softee..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Gene): "Like you're impotent. Yeah. Yeah. That was it.

(Dave): "OK."

(Gene): "I'll get it right tomorrow.

(Dave): "OK. Good. Thanks. Well... good to get that straightened out."

(audience): highly amused

••• "Can Governor Chris Christie Get Through a Doorway Without Turning Sideways?" / video: No. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Until 1964, the Indianapolis 500 consisted of five hundred consecutive one-mile races." ••• Paul introduces Eric Burden, of The Animals fame, sitting in. •••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator John Thune (R-SD). @SenJohnThune. Senator Thune has an A+ rating from the NRA. The Senator gets a measly 96 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's of New York.
••• An American Airlines flight had to land unexpectedly in Kansas City, because a female passenger was singing nonstop on the cross-country flight. (Dave unfortunately recreates her performance.) / Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from the Person Sitting Next to You on a Plane (with a bonus look at the duct-taped Icelandair passenger) ••• Mark Harmon plugs the season finale of "NCIS." ••• Our old friend Gerard Mulligan, in full cicada regalia, appears for the first-ever "Ask a Cicada." It's a fun-filled combination of Q & A and stand-up comedy that is way too awesome to simply transcribe here. (video) ••• "Backstage Photo Club": cameraman Dan Flaherty ••• Act 5: Eric Burden with the CBSO ••• Amy Schumer plugs Inside Amy Schumer. ••• Luke Bryan (Entertainer of the Year) sings, if that's what you call it. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/14/13 [3851]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Yekko from Holland (winner of a brand new speedboat). ••• Yesterday Barbara Walters announced her upcoming retirement. (Good Lord! Barbara's 83½!!) / "Barbara Walters Reaction Shots Through the Years" / video: Sometimes she blinks a lot. Sometimes she doesn't. ••• Pfizer® makes Viagra™, the blue medicine for old timers' deals. Here's the latest from the company. / video:

(photos): a smiling, 60-ish man, then a man visiting with a pharmacist

(voice-over): "Are you a fan of erectile dysfunction medication, but wish there was a more discreet way to purchase it? There is! Through our new online ordering system, Pfizer® will ship Viagra™ directly to your home or office."

(Photoshop fun): A delivery man in a bright blue Viagra uniform enters the customer's business carrying an incredibly bright blue box, about 2 feet on each side, with VIAGRA™ 3" high on each side.

(FX): magic chimes

(voice-over): "Viagra.com. Our little secret."

(Photoshop fun): Outside the business is a large, light blue panel truck, painted with several dozen Viagra™ pills on each side. (They're probably on the top, too, so helicopters can see.)

(FX): I almost forgot! The panel truck has a siren, too.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Outright Lie": "Abraham Lincoln got his start posing for portraits on money." •••
Dave's getting the hang of it, and doesn't have to ask Alan what time it is. It's time for "Stooge of the Night." Tonight's stooge is Senator Rand Paul (R-KY), our first two-time honoree. (The Senator was also worked over on May 8.) @SenRandPaul. He recently opined that Barack Obama and friends are plotting against the United States Constitution. Dave's concluded that Rand's curly hair is store-bought. "Talk about a filibuster on your head!" The Senator gets a 72 seconds of airtime... a downgrade from 98 seconds earlier this month. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's of New York. "Shut up and get in the car."

(me): I don't know whether that curly mop is a hairpiece or not, but a Google search tonight brought up an endless Internet debate on the subject. Whatever it is, it has its own Twitter account, @RandsToupee.

••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery / #1: "Your gender reassignment was a success." ••• Tom Hanks plugs his play, Lucky Guy, in multiple segments. It's open now at the Broadhurst Theater, 235 W. 44th St. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Tommy Hanks ••• The final act tonight is by the cast of Broadway's Pippin, playing now at the Music Box Theater, 239 W. 45th St. (I'll follow the old adage that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Tom Hanks, The Most-Trusted Man in America, gave me a real easy episode log tonight.

5/15/13 [3852]: interruption:

(Dave): "But our best price is your best deal. Free gift. Where to eat and..."

(Dave, to Tony Mendez): "Tony, what is that?"

(Tony looks at the cue card, embarrassed): "It's one of those cards from the magazine. They're always falling out. So annoying!" (He tears the card in half and tosses it.)

(Dave): "How did that... how did that get in there? I hate that!"

(Tony, tired of the attention): "Go on. Go on now!"

(Dave, amused): "If that was the card, imagine the MAGAZINE!"

(Tony): "I think this joke is no good, either."

(Tony, to Dave): "Alright, go on. Go on, please."

••• It's getting to be summer blockbuster season, but late the blockbusters leave Dave, anyway, feeling sort of ehhhhh. Here's something that might help. / video:
(photos): bummed-out people

(voice-over): "It's summer blockbuster movie season again. You wait months for these films to be released, and have been let down time after time. That's why there's Cynebalta."

(animation): nerve synapse

(voice-over): "Cynebalta alters your brain's chemistry, to help you cope with overhyped, big-budget Hollywood disappointments. Summer movies can be awful. Cynebalta can help. Side effects may include headaches, nausea & bloating."

••• The United Nations has suggested that people who don't have enough to eat should consume insects. (Crap! Now I have to watch this disgusting clip again, to get it in the archive. I hope you people appreciate what I go through for you.) / video:
(female voice-over): "The United Nations released a new report, stating we should all have more insects in our diet. So if you're in Times Square, come on down to the new Bear Grylls restaurant, Bear's Gryll, where we only serve the finest insect cuisine,..."

(photo): disgusting bugs and worms

(voice-over, continuing): "... like our Giant Camel Spider..."

(clips): actual human beings eating vermin

(voice-over): "...the mouth-watering Grasshopper Bites, and our world-famous Rhino Beetle Larva."

(nasty Bear Grylls clip)

(voice-over): "Then, wash it down with Bear's very own, Fresh-Squeezed Urine. Bear's Gryll. Bring your appetite. We'll do the rest."

••• Gov. Chris Christie got the gastric lap-band operation last winter. There can be some impressive side effects. / video: The tummy band suddenly gives way, and the governor nearly 'splodes! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "No More Living a Lie" / Alan's true shoe size is 10... not 10½. •••
Act 2: Dave's at his desk, and he checks the time. He sets a black briefcase on his desk top. A man in a trench coat and black hat appears. Silently, he exchanges briefcases and splits. Just to be sure, Dave opens the case. A blue light emanates from within. We see a big smile on Dave's face. He's delighted about the mysterious delivery.

(Paul): "Excuse me. What was all that?"

(Dave): "That? Oh, that's how I get my Viagra™."

•••
It's time for "Stooge of the Night." Tonight's stooge is Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI). @SenRonJohnson. Airtime: 74 seconds... not very competitive. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's of New York.
••• [Are we having a contest this week for long Top Ten titles?] / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $2 Million on a Painting of a Naked Bea Arthur [Yes, this is the other disgusting segment tonight. Bea Arthur: my wife in hell.] ••• Ed Helms plugs The Hangover III. His last The Office is coming up momentarily. ••• interruption:
A loud, obnoxious lady comes out unannounced, and takes Guest Chair 1.

(lady): "It is absolutely wonderful to be back, Dave. Who doesn't strive to be fun and flirty for spring, Dave?"

(Dave): "I...."

(loud lady): "So I'll get right to it, with Vivian. (hot model) Here we see that bright neons are here... to... stay, as long as they're anchored by a neutral. Important to remember. Thanks, Vivian."

(Dave): "Thanks, Vivian."

(loud lady): "Now you were asking me about this before the show, Dave, and yes, (model) Wesley here proves that pastels can actually transition from day to night. Looking good, Wesley."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(loud lady): "Aurora here is on trend in a bold floral sundress. Dave, quick. Name one person who wouldn't be ready to hit the beach in this look. You can't do it. That's right."

(Dave): "No, I can't."

(loud lady): "Now, next time we'll dip into summer's hottest swim ensembles, but until then, I'll see all of you on the runway."

(kissy face to Dave): "Mwah. Mwah."

(loud lady): exits stage left

••• "Backstage Photo Club": writer Jill Goodwin ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and Alan draws some ping pong balls ••• Hoda Kotb plugs the fourth hour of the Today Show. / me: I have no earthly idea how this person is on TV. She is more annoying than Joan Rivers. ••• Brad Paisley sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/16/13 [3853]: There's a lot of activity over at NBC. They've canceled a number of shows. Here's a look at a new one: Behind the Wheel. / video:

(voice-over): "He's taken you behind the scenes at The Newsroom, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Sports Night. And now, Aaron Sorkin goes backstage once again, for a dramatic look at the brilliant-but-tortured writers who think up the puzzles on Wheel of Fortune.

(writers' room clip): It looks like the Late Show interns as writers, in a meeting led by film coordinator Rick Scheckman. Shecky says, "The category is Places."

(blank looks on the interns' faces)

(male intern): "Uhh... Kansas City?"

(me): Nice choice... the city of DDY's birth!

(me): It was either a great choice or a hopeless one, because the room instantly clears.

(voice-over): "Behind the Wheel. Coming this fall."

••• "Just a Thought" is a brand new segment. / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(clip from American Idol)

(voice-over): "Faced with plummeting ratings, American Idol is looking to replace all four of its judges."

(split screen): "How about the four people who still watch the show?"

(FX): boing / breaking glass / a string of "yes" bells / slide whistle / "no" buzzer / and, of course, a fog horn

(title graphic)

••• monologue:
(Dave): "Nice day outside. Was it a nice day? It's... I was outside for a little bit. It seems hot. I was sweatin' like President Obama at a press conference."

(Dave): "Uh, this joke has been seized by the Department of Justice at...."

(Dave, to Tony Mendez): "Wait a minute... what is? Turn it... Flip the card. What is that? This joke has been seized by the Department of... "

(Tony has a whole set of cue cards with Justice Department logos.)

(Dave, to Tony): "What are you doing?

(Tony Mendez): "Oh! Dios Mio. They're on to us!"

(Eventually Tony finds a good card again.)

(Dave calls for an encore from Tony.)

(Tony Mendez): "Oh! Dios Mio. They're on to us!"

(Dave): "Honestly, how many right now are thinkin', 'Thank God these tickets are free?' How many of you? Be honest."

••• "House Judiciary Committee Highlight of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and "PM Theme"

(C-SPAN 3 clip of Rep. Howard Coble, R-North Carolina, age 82): "Ohhh. Now I'm havin' a senior moment. I forgot what I was going to ask you, but it'll come back to me in due time. Oh... Well, maybe it won't!"

(title graphic and "PM Theme")

••• medical update: Dave slides up his left jacket sleeve to reveal a bloody left elbow. We get no explanation.** ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "We recommend doing all your blinking during the commercials so you won't miss anything!" ••• desk chat / CBS is the best at crime dramas. Here's a new one, and Dave has a small role. / video:
(action scenes)

(voice-over): "Coming to CBS, it's the gripping new police drama that everyone will be talking about. Two hotshot detectives who refuse to play by the rules take on criminals, corrupt politicians and their gruff, demanding police chief."

(Dave, leaning over his desk, sleeves rolled up, looking fierce): "You two idiots better get your act together, or you'll be directing traffic in Schenectady!"

(voice-over): "Freddie Prinze, Jr. Ving Rhames. David Letterman. Police Cops. This fall, on CBS."

•••
••• "It's time for "Stooge of the Night." Tonight's stooge is Senator Rob Portman (R-Ohio). @robportman. Airtime: 77 seconds. Tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's Italian Restaurant of New York.
[NBC New York reports that a 75-year-old man has been arrested for running prostitution out of a retirement home in Englewood, New Jersey.] / Top Ten Things Overheard at the Retirement Home Brothel ••• desk chat: Dave salutes Barbara Walters' 53-year career in broadcasting. / Barbara Walters interview ••• Schenectady ••• Jesse Eisenberg plugs Now You See Me. ••• MS MR sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• **Dave eventually claims that the bloody elbow is from horsing around before the show.

5/17/13 [3854]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a plastic surgeon from Dallas, who apparently wants to give Dave the cure. ••• There was some solar activity this week, namely flares. Here's a live feed from NASA. / video:

(clip): It's stop-action photos from the sun. We see a phony flare. It burns up the Chyron graphics onscreen. That's all.
••• There's a lot of chatter about Star Trek Into Darkness. (Dave takes a side trip for a moment, claiming the Enterprise lost power, and had to be towed to Pluto. Carnival Cruises: still a reference, people) Anyway, the producers are thinking the next film should be racier. / video:
(action clips)

(voice-over): "The Enterprise has traveled into darkness. And now comes the pulse-pounding sequel, that takes you where no man has ventured in many years."

(Mr. Sulu): "If we're gonna do this, we've gotta do it NOW."

(Spock): "We will not fit."

(Kirk): "Won't fit. Will... not... fit!"

(voice-over): "Star Trek Into Martha Stewart"

(Martha Stewart, in a kitchen): "Get your buns ready."

(voice-over): "Star Trek Into Martha Stewart: Coming soon."

••• We met Joe Grossman's sneezing monkey, Sherman, on 11/27/08. He's been with us many times. (video) Now all the plant life is blooming, and allergic people are back to sneezing, including Sherman. / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(animation): "Allergy Edition" is added to the graphic)

(clip): Sherman sneezing

(FX): Comedian Charlie Callas's honking noise is added to the sneeze, nine times for good measure.

(title graphic)

(video)

••• monologue:
(Dave): "People come up to me on the street all the time, and they say, 'Dave, I've seen your show. How do you get the audience to sit through that nonsense?' And it's simple. We validate parking."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "If you don't watch tonight's show, the justice department will listen in on your phone calls!" ••• Dave wants to cash in on the new Star Trek movie, with his own new segment. How about some Star Trek villains? / video:
(title graphic): "Star Trek's Greatest Villains"

(voice-over): "The blood-thirsty Klingons." (clip)

(voice-over): "The merciless Khan." (clip: "This is Ceti Alpha Five!.")

(voice-over): "This guy."

(clip): It's the singing hippies, including a young Charles Napier, from "The Way to Eden," 2/21/69.

(the famous final shot of an alien from each episode)

(voice-over): "This has been a Desilu production."

(Dave calls for a rerun of Spock not enjoying the singing one bit.)

•••
It's time for "Stooge of the Night." Tonight's stooge is Senator John Hoeven (R-ND). @SenJohnHoeven. The Senator comes in at 90 seconds of airtime. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's of New York. "Cat's in the bag. Bag's in the river."

(Dave): "Dave, should you really be calling these men and women stooges? You know what? I've given it considerable thought."

(Dave now on-camera) "Hi. Yes. The answer is yes."

••• Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Science Fiction Movie / #9: Takes place eight minutes in the future. ••• Will Arnett plugs Arrested Development, and discusses his adventures in smoking over the years. [COOL]: The CBSO played on Will Arnett with the "Will It Float?" theme song! [Visit my Will It Float? page sometime.] ••• Gov. Chris Christie's recently revealed his lap-band surgery. Dave's pleased to have him on the phone, in what's sometimes called "Late Show Unfair Edit." / Here's the DAVE phone transcript:
(Dave): "Hello."

(Gov. Christie): "I love you, Dave."

(Dave): "I love you, too, Governor. Um, thank you, by the way. So, I understand you're losing some weight."

(Gov. Christie): "Well, you know what, Dave? I have no idea."

(Dave): "Have you weighed yourself recently?"

(Gov. Christie): "That's an enormous decision to make, and I just didn't feel ready."

(Dave): "What made you finally do this? Did your family and friends try to convince you to have the surgery?"

(Gov. Christie): "Sure. I mean, when you have people like, you know, Henry Kissinger, coming to see you and saying, 'I think you need to do this for our country.' "

(Dave): "Uh, so have you had to cut back on the foods that you loved, Governor?"

(Gov. Christie): "More than a little."

(Dave): "And is that difficult? For example, what did you have for dinner tonight?"

(Gov. Christie): "Um... Dairy Queen."

(Dave): "And what about lunch?"

(Gov. Christie): "Hot dogs."

(Dave): "And are you supposed to eat that kind of food?"

(Gov. Christie): "I don't spend a lot of time worryin' about it, because in my heart, I know I did what was right."

(Dave): "Well, Governor, thank you very much. I can't tell you how much this means to me. Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

(Gov. Christie): "I'm huggable and lovable, David."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. What was that, Governor?"

(Gov. Christie): hangs up

(FX): dial tone

••• "Backstage Photo Club": video editor Mark Spada ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Trevor Noah does stand-up. ••• Kurt Vile sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/20/13 [3855]: A naked portrait of Bea Arthur from 1991 sold for nearly $2 million on May 15. Here's "Bea Arthur and Household Hints." / video:

(censored photo): Bea Arthur

(voice of security boss Bill DeLace): "Add a half a cup of lemon juice to the wash cycle to brighten up whites."

••• "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:
(title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Barack Obama): " The most successful CEOs I know didn't start out intent just on makin' money. Rather, they had a vision of how their product or service would change things, and the money followed."

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(Mayor Michael Bloomberg): speaking Spanish, but not very well

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

••• "Star Trek Highs"
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Star Trek Highs."

(scenes):

   1. Spock saves the Enterprise in Star Trek II.
   2. Chris Pine in Star Trek
   3. Khan lifts up Mr. Chekov on Ceti Alpha 5 in Star Trek II.
   4. The Enterprise self-destructs in Star Trek III.

••• "Star Trek Lows"

(title graphic)

(Captain Kirk is being ridden by an alien in the original Star Trek, rearing up like a horse.)

(the famous final shot of an alien from each episode)

(voice-over): "This has been a Desilu production." ••• Here's another "Bea Arthur and Household Hints." / video:

(censored photo): Bea Arthur

(voice of security boss Bill DeLace): "Easy way to remove pet hair from upholstery: duct tape."

••• Here's the final "Bea Arthur and Household Hints." / video:
(censored photo): Bea Arthur

(voice of security boss Bill DeLace): "A wooden spoon placed across a pot of boiling water keeps it from boiling over."

••• A few days ago we saw President Obama giving an address, with a Marine standing at attention, holding an umbrella over him. / "Why Presidents Don't Carry Their Own Umbrellas" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(MSNBC clip and silly music): George W. Bush, carrying his own umbrella, has it flipped inside out by a gust of wind.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "A special hello to all sequestered jurors tuning in tonight." ••• "What I Like About Springtime" /
(theme music by the CBSO)
  1. Paul likes it that Tom "Bones" Malone makes mojitos for everyone. He turns to Tom, who drains his spit valve into Paul's glass.

  2. Jimmy Alkins, videotape operator, asks, "Is it spring? I haven't been outside in years."

  3. Jimmy Philbin, in charge of security, says, "In spring, I bring out my pink taser." He tases Dan Fetter, posing as an audience member.

  4. An intern looks like the lead singer from Weezer. Another intern looks like the intern who looks like the guy from Weezer.

  5. Jimmy Philbin tases the aforementioned interns.
•••
"Stooge of the Night" is Senator Roy Blunt (R-MO). @RoyBlunt. The Senator comes in at 97 seconds of airtime, during which Dave wonders if he looks like Howdy Doody. Alan says tonight's Stooge is sponsored by Patsy's of New York. "Whether you've worked up an appetite or just worked over a stoolie, say ciau to Midtown's least-subtle Italian Ristorante. OK, fellas. He's had enough."
••• Singer Miguel kicked a lady leaping into the audience at the Billboard Music Awards yesterday. / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Woman's Mind at This Moment / #6: Does this count as a 'meet and greet'?" ••• Will Smith plugs After Earth, opening on May 31. He stops by the CBSO and raps before sitting down. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Did You Know?": "The best secretary of defense is a good secretary of offense." ••• more Will Smith ••• The National sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/21/13 [3856]: "The Dark Side of Justin Bieber Pet Ownership" / video:

(title graphic and suspenseful music... whatever that is)

(voice-over): "March 21, 2011: Justin's pet bear sneaked out of his hotel room."

(clip): a bear in a hotel lobby

(voice-over): "July 13, 2012: "Justin left his pet deer on a city bus."

(clip): a deer that can't figure out how to get off a city bus

(voice-over): "May 9, 2013: "Justin forgot his pet moose at a pool party."

(clip): Bullwinkle in a swimming pool, not interested in the least in getting out

(voice-over): "This has been 'The Dark Side of Justin Bieber Pet Ownership.' "

(title graphic)

••• "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:
(title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Bill Clinton): "...create a world of shared opportunities... shared responsibilities, and a shared sense of community."

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(Charlie Callas): making that ridiculous honking sound

(me): Did people actually pay money to see Charlie Callas?"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Tom Hanks has escaped from the Broadhurst Theater, and he's talking a bunch of gibberish. (You never know when he might need a new theater to move into.) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• There's a new medical drama for fall. CBS is very optimistic. Dave has a small part in the program. / video:
(clip): hospital scene

(voice-over): "When a patient develops a mysterious ailment that no one can identify, they're sent to a team of specialized doctors, led by a surly, unconventional genius."

(Dave, in a doctor's white coat, holding an x-ray): "This man's lungs are upside down!"

(voice-over): "Starring Hector Elizondo, Amy Brenneman and David Letterman. Medical Hospital. This fall, on CBS."

••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• interruption: Tom Hanks re-emerges in front of the backdrop. He's doing vocal warm-ups. He's talking while biting two fingers (thankfully, his own). Tom gets Dave to try it, at least with one finger. Dave tactfully gives Tom the boot. ••• Top Ten Birds / #1: cock ••• "Piedmont Bird Callers" /
Callers' last names were shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette. Ask for it by name.

3rd Place: Amy Kelleher, Becca Havian and Jo Ireland do the gyrfalcon.

2nd Place: Dina Zangwill does red-throated loon.

1st Place: James Clifford, Eli Nash and Gabe Bolio do a greater prairie chicken.

(me): Is there a halfway-decent prairie chicken?

••• What? What's that phone ringing? All audience members are required to turn off their phones. Oh, it figures. It's Tom Hanks, out in the audience.
(Dave): "Some idiot in the audience has got a... Turn on the light." (sees Tom) "Oh. Oh, no. It's that guy again. Oh, for the love of God..."

(Tom): "Sorry. A chunk of pretzel went down my windpipe. And I was positive this phone was turned off."

(Dave): "Don't worry about it. Now listen, do you want some water or something?"

(Tom): "I'm good. I'm good. Just hang on a second." (phone conversation) "Oh, yeah. I can ask him. Sure. Hey, Dave..."

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Tom): "When is this rehearsal over, and the actual show gonna start?" (pause) " 'cause I want to hear what the theater sounds like when the audience laughs really big."

(Dave): "Yeah, OK. Well, uh, actually, this is the show, and don't hold your breath."

(Tom): "This is the show?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Tom): "It's gonna be on TV?"

(Dave): "That's right."

(Tom): "Ha!"

(Tom, to phone caller): "Yeah. This place is definitely gonna be available."

(Dave calls Tom onstage for a bow and roses.)

••• Jason Bateman plugs Arrested Development. Its fourth season will be available on Netflix on Sunday. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan:
"The American Red Cross is providing relief to those affected by the tornaodes in Oklahoma. We urge you to visit redcross.org, and make a donation earmarked for 'Oklahoma Relief.' "
••• more Jason Bateman ••• John Fogerty sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

5/22/13 [3857]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Portugal. ••• "Predicted Dialogue in the Liberace Movie" (on HBO) / video:

(title graphic)

(movie clip): Liberace and the Scott Thorson character, I guess, in a hotel room

(voice-over): "No, I said I was looking for a pianist."

(FX): boing / slide whistle / breaking glass / cuckoo clock / aaoogah horn / rooster crowing, etc.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Comedy We're Not Proud Of.' "

(title graphic)

••• New York City has new Share-a-Bike program. Here's important information. / video:
(clips): bikes, of all things

(voice-over): "Bike Share has arrived in New York City, but due to recent thefts, we've installed a security system to make sure bikes remain within designated perimeters."

(clip): A helmeted man's headed down the street on a shared bike. He makes it about 100 feet, when a heavy chain has gone as far as it can go. The bike stops. The man goes head-over-heels onto the pavement.

(me): We're not being told he's OK.

(voice-over): "New York City Bike Share: Don't forget your helmet."

(me): Dave doesn't look to be overly impressed with this one.

••• Memorial Day weekend is almost here. Someone's always trying to find new ways to make it fun to barbecue. / video:
(clip of barbecuing)

(voice-over): "Looking to make this barbecue season the most convenient ever? Kingsford® Match Light charcoal gets you grilling quickly. Or, if you're really in a hurry, try Kingsford Match Light Hot Dogs™..."

(clip): ignition

(voice-over): "the first self-grilling hot dogs!"

(FX): flames erupting in the frankfurter department of the grocery store

••• "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:
(title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Ma Obama): "You can only find your passion by looking inside yourself. And that's hard work!"

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(Joe Theismann, in an FX cap and gown): "My prostate was givin' me fits!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

(title graphic)

••• Dave does a long set-up for this piece about Justin Bieber's monkey, that's been confiscated by the Germans. (As is standard practice for the Late Show, chimpanzees have been liberally substituted for monkeys.) / video:
(photo): a chimpanzee (and a baboon, too)

(voice-over, with a heavy German accent): "Looking for a great deal on a used monkey? Announcing Germany's annual Seized Monkey Police Auction. We are liquidating confiscated monkeys, at up to 80% off Blue Book value. Big monkeys. Little monkeys. Crazy monkeys. They all have to go. Saturday, at the Munich Airport Ramada Inn, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Cash only. All monkey sales final. The Seized Monkey Police Auction. Where monkey ownership dreams come true."

(me): That was a good one!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Is the  uestion mark key still broken   Yup. It looks like the   is broken, too." ••• It's Tony Mendez in another installment of "Noticias Actuales." /
(Tony, in Spanish, with English subtitles): "Gracias, Soledad. A very good evening to you. I'm Tony Mendez, here with 'Current News.' In political news, oh my God, a lot of bad stuff is happening in Washington, D.C. None of which I understand. In happier news, Martha Stewart is offering free sex to all interested parties! And now with sports, Hector Goooooooooonzales."

(Tony, as Hector, with mustache, unable to catch various balls tossed at him)

(Tony, in Spanish): "It was Guadalupe who poisoned Silverio!"

(Tony, signing off): "This has been 'Current News.' I'm Tony Mendez. Back to you, you googly-eyed old giraffe."

(FX): Tony tosses a handful of confetti into the air. One piece sticks to his mouth as he laughs uproariously.

(Dave, mumbling to himself): "Thanks, I guess."

••• Late Show interns are headed home. They present the Top Ten Things I've Learned as a Late Show Intern. / #7: There's no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business. / #4: It's more fun to watch television than to work in television. The interns are: Randi Fuhrman, Emily Erotas, Victoria Disque, Sasha Lildharrie, Paul Napoli, Kevin Noonan, Sophie Boudreau, Jason Seligson, Neal Fessler and Ryan Wilson. ••• Woody Harrelson plugs Now You See Me. Also, he does a mentalist trick, guessing a word Dave picked from a book. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": supervising producer Nancy Agostini ••• Act 5 Audience Pan:
"The American Red Cross is providing relief to those affected by the tornaodes in Oklahoma. We urge you to visit redcross.org, and make a donation earmarked for 'Oklahoma Relief.' "
••• Tommy Johnagin does stand-up. ••• John Fogerty sings, with special guest Dawes. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Michael Muller sat in for Felicia Collins.]

5/23/13: REPEAT FROM 4/10/13

5/24/13: REPEAT FROM 4/26/13

5/27/13: REPEAT FROM 4/02/13

5/28/13: REPEAT FROM 5/02/13

5/29/13: REPEAT FROM 4/24/13

5/30/13: REPEAT FROM 5/01/13

5/31/13: REPEAT FROM 4/05/13

6/03/13 [3858]: DAVECON 2013: I was in New York attending this show. It was a very fine episode... no thanks to me. (DaveCon is an annual gathering of about 20 loyal fans of Dave, hosted by several very kind and long-suffering Late Show staff.)

As we were in line for the audience warm-up, I was standing next to my DaveCon friend, Bill Lehecka. We have both run Letterman fan pages, and have been acquainted for quite a few years. I mentioned to Bill that I never could think up a worthy question for Dave for his pre-show visit with the audience. Bill said that if he got a question, he was going to claim he was starting a blog, and ask for advice. Sure enough... the ever-reliable Bill, in his seat in the third row, got his hand up quickly, and Dave called on him. When Bill announced that the blog would be about his mother and sisters, Dave gave him the business.

When Dave takes the stage, he immediately goes to work on Bill:

(Dave): "Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so happy you're here tonight. And for you folks watching at home, it's very exciting for us, because in the audience tonight we have a guy who's right now working on his blog."

Jerry Foley gets a nice close-up of Bill, who gives dual thumbs-up, and the CBSO plays a peppy little theme song for him. It's a take-off on Allen Toussaint's "Working in the Coal Mine."

(Dave): "It's so exciting! It's about his sisters and his cousins, and his upcoming trip to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park. It's exciting!" (video)

••• [New York City has a new bike sharing program. Using your credit card, you can unlock a blue CitiBike from a station along the streets.]
Dave: "It couldn't be simpler. You pick one up, and then you ride it, and then you get rid of it. I'm tellin' you, it's like a Taylor Swift boyfriend. You get on it, you ride it... and then, and then a half an hour later, you pass it to somebody else, and if you're lucky, you won't need antibiotics."
••• It's beginning to feel like summer. Dave mutters something about last night, asking Paul if he was there, and gets, "What are you talkin' about?" It turns out there's an annual New York City tradition. / video:
We see tape from Rockefeller Plaza, where a countdown is underway. Floodlights come on, and an oscillating fan (that looks to be several stories high) comes on.
••• [We've learned that the IRS staged a lavish $4.1 million training conference in Anaheim in 2010. / video: We get the first of several looks at a bunch of IRS employees practicing line dancing for Anaheim. ••• Barbara Walters will be retiring soon. What will she be doing in retirement? We've got it right here. / faked-up video: Barbara's head has been added to someone playing a prop slot machine. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "WARNING: Always use caution." ••• desk chat: Dave has "Summertime Grilling Tips."
  • Test the grill temperature by placing your hand directly on the cooking grate.

  • Constantly turning burgers and hot dogs is an excellent way to avoid interaction with others.

  • Treat guests to a pleasant surprise. Stuff burgers with cheese, bacon or loose change.

  • Help meat retain its natural juices by applying a thick coat of antiperspirant.

  • Cooking shesh kebab may result in a visit from Homeland Security.

  • While the grill is hot, burn incriminating photos or documents. ("That's called multitasking," Paul says.)

  • Entertain guests by making a slide whistle noise when you slip a hot dog into a bun. (FX) / IRS employees dancing

  • Remember: You're not technically touching someone inappropriately if you're using tongs.

  • To keep unused pickle slices fresh, reassemble them into whole pickles before storing.

  • Nothing says "the party's over" better than urinating on hot coals.
••• Top Ten Other Names Considered by Vin Diesel / #1: Vin Cougar Mellendiesel ••• Neil Patrick Harris plugs How I Met Your Mother and his producing/hosting gig for the 67th Annual Tony Awards. He's always a great guest. He has fun stories about parenting and hot air ballooning, and a cool clip of his little son doing some drumming. ••• Gov. Chris Christie had the gastric lap-band surgery in late winter. To make up for all the fat jokes, writer Joe Grossman has "Chris Christie Isn't Overweight" jokes. Joe and his wife had a baby 3½ months ago. Offhand, he doesn't remember if they had a boy or a girl. Joe opens his little notebook, and here we go:
"Chris Christie is so not fat, he did not get married just for the cake." / Anton: rim shot

"Chris Christie is so not fat, he does not butter his I Can't Believe It's Not Butter™." / Anton: rim shot

"Chris Christie is so not fat, he was not kicked out of the zoo for showing up with a knife and fork." / Anton: rim shot

(Dave): "OK, um... hold it. These are fat jokes that you have just tried to... by adding not. These are just fat jokes. I... I know what you're... Now, honestly, do you have any actual not fat jokes?"

(Joe): "Hold on." (long pause) "Got one."

(Dave): "Alright. Let's hear it."

"Chris Christie is so dumb, while he was campaigning in Jersey City, his ass was campaigning in Trenton." / Anton: rim shot

(Dave): "Get out!"

••• "Backstage Photo Club": retiree Gerard Mulligan, in a dress ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Ever wonder how I keep my hair so silky-soft and luxuriously manageable? Watch this commercial." ••• Indy 500 winner Tony Kanaan is another great guest. / Stagehand Tommy O'Brien and another bring out the Borg-Warner Trophy. [I visited with Tommy the day after this show. He said the trophy weighs about 70 pounds, and it's beautiful. It's silver.] ••• Frank Turner sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [DDY note: I saw something that surprised me during the set-up for Frank Turner's band. Stagehands paired up and moved sections of scenery out of position temporarily. I didn't realize they're on wheels. Behind them was a platform, also on wheels, with the usual drummer's equipment, etc. for the band. It was moved into position, then the bridge and city scenery was returned to its normal position, and the fiber optics lighting was connected again. As usual with the Late Show, everything was done with great organization.]

6/04/13 [3859]: "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:

(title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Barack Obama): "It portrays a poverty of ambition. If all you think about is what goods you can buy, instead of what good you can do."

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(Bear Grylls): drinking his own pee

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

(title graphic)

••• Summer's coming. We all need to hydrate. What better time to have a look at U.S. Senator Marco Rubio, R-Fla., trying to take a stealth drink of water during his response to the State of the Union addresss. (6) ••• From last night: It's another look at the IRS line dancing practice. "I need a straight line. We're tryin' to get ready for Anaheim." ••• video: Senator Rubio's stealth drink (x3) ••• "Other Dance-Related Government Scandals" / video: "1972: NASA." (robots dancing) ••• "Other Dance-Related Government Scandals" / video: "2011: The office of Texas governor Rick Perry." (dancing with Jewish men) ••• "Other Dance-Related Government Scandals" / video: "2006: The White House." (George W. Bush dancing with Africans) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• out of commercial: Stagehand Gene Szymanski shows up in the #1 guest chair. He wants to do a card trick for Dave, who plays along. Gene blows it, but he saves the day by interrogating Dave on the suit, the color of card, whether the card is odd or even, then incrementing up in cards until he arrives at the 10 of clubs. ••• Top Ten Calls Received at Taco Bell Headquarters (after a video surfaced showing an employee licking a large stack of taco shells) ••• Nathan Fillion plugs Castle and the upcoming Much Ado About Nothing. No, he doesn't really wear a hairpiece. He's just able to move his scalp back and forth. ••• George Clarke's Tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater Building" / video: "Fifth Floor: chicken farm." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• John Oliver plugs The Daily Show, for which he'll be the summer guest host. ••• Local Natives sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/05/13 [3860]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Canadian twins. ••• side trip:

Dave starts to set up the first video segment, when he gets a look at Paul's black & white, horizontal-striped suit.

(Dave): "We put together a thing for you. You know, you get the commencement speech, after four years of the studying and the... the, uh..." (now to Paul): "Are you out on time for good behavior?"

(Will Lee): Dragnet theme on his guitar

(Paul): "Whatever... you know... whatever I am, I am."

(Will Lee): notes from "Jailhouse Rock" on guitar

(Paul): "Can we just leave it at that?" (breaks into song): "Went to a party in the county jail..."

(Dave, cracking up)

••• "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:
(title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Bill Clinton): "If you do what makes you happy and you don't give up, and you keep serving, I think you will live in the most interesting, prosperous and peaceful time in human history."

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(George W. Bush): "Are my testicles black?" (This was a quote from W's dad, George H. W. Bush, who meant to ask in a hospital, "Are my test results back?")

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

(title graphic)

••• [Anthony Weiner (@anthonyweiner) has re-emerged in the news. (You know, he's the guy who, back in 2011, tweeted pictures of his deal via yfrog.) Apparently he thinks America has forgotten Weinergate.] / "Words Anthony Weiner Should Avoid" / video:
(title graphic and calliope-type music)

(Anthony Weiner clip): "Package."

(title graphic)

••• side trip:
(Dave): "Let me get this straight. 'The warden threw a party in the county jail...' "

(Paul): "Yes, sir. 'The prison band was there, and they began to wail.' "

••• "Words Anthony Weiner Should Avoid" / video:
(title graphic and caliope-like music)

(Anthony Weiner clip): "Stimulate."

(title graphic)

••• monologue mishap:
(Dave): "Well, today is June 5th. Today was another day wasted. It's miserable here. I'm tired of working for that bastard."

(Jerry Foley cuts to Tony Mendez, who's holding a cue card with the aforementioned commentary.)

(Dave): "Tony, Tony, what... what is that?"

(Tony, mortified, lowering his head in shame): "It's... it's... it's from my diary! I must have copied it by mistake. Nothing to do with you. Some other bastard."

(Dave, with a big grin): "OK. That explains it."

••• "Words Anthony Weiner Should Avoid" / video:
(title graphic and calliope-type music, again)

(Anthony Weiner clip): "Turn on..."

(title graphic)

••• [Dozens of Major League Baseball players, including Alex Rodriguez, are reportedly about to be suspended for 100 days over a doping scandal.] / Dave: "And A-Rod was accused. They singled him out. And out of habit, Lance Armstrong denied it." / video: Cue the old clip of a shirtless Biff Henderson rubbing down a shirtless Alex Rodriguez, with porno music playing. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has "Jailhouse Rock" lyrics:
The warden threw a party in the county jail
The prison band was there, and they began to wail
The band was jumping and the joint began to swing
You should have heard those knocked-out jailbirds sing.
Everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.
••• [New York City has a new bike-share program, with cute blue bikes, marked citibike, available for rent on streetsides via credit cards.] / outside cam for a bike race /
Biff's on 53rd St. with Abraham Lincoln and a big bear at a starting line. / Weather Report: 72° F, humidity: 39%, barometer: 30.19 (steady), wind: SE 6 mph, visibility: 10 miles / Alan says we're playing for a cordless phone! / Biff interviews the contestants. The bear says, "Abe's goin' down!" / Abe wins!
••• Top Ten Alex Rodriguez Excuses / #1: It was a cry for help--like dating Madonna. ••• desk chat: more lyrics from "Jailhouse Rock" ••• Johnny Galecki plugs The Big Bang Theory. ••• outside cam: It's another bike race. Johnny Galecki joins Abe and the bear, playing for another cordless phone, and wins by a mile! (Late Show Twitter pic) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• John Mellencamp and Stephen King (Yes, you heard me right.) plug their musical, The Ghost Brothers of Darkland County. ••• Queens of the Stone Age sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Queens of the Stone Age play a Live on Letterman webcast at 9 ET.]

6/06/13 [3861]: "How A-Rod Will Spend His 100-Game Suspension" / video:

(title graphic and sports show-type intro music)

(sports photos)

(voice-over): "Missing putts. Missing baskets. Missing dartboards. Miss..."

(graphic and 50s television theme song): "Joke's Over!"

••• [In the U.K., Dominos® is experimenting with a drone helicopter, the DomiCopter, for pizza delivery.] / video:
(clips): drone test flight, pizza in tow

(voice-over): "In the near future, Dominos® wants to deliver your pizza quickly and efficiently, via unmanned drone."

(uh oh): We see the drone crossing a meadow. The video goes from color to black-and-white. We hear dramatic music.)

(animation): The roof of a Pizza Hut® moves aside. A missile launches from within the store. Kablooey! Bye-bye drone.

(graphic): Pizza Hut® logo

(voice-over): "Pizza Hut®: Pizza the old-fashioned way."

(Dave): "I know what you're thinkin': 'It's not all that funny,' but it looks like we put a little effort into it."

••• "Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech" / video:
(title graphic and "Pomp and Circumstance")

(voice-over): "Good commencement speech."

(Oprah Winfrey, all-knowing and pretentious as ever): "You want to max out your humanity, by using your energy to lift yourself up... your family, and the people around you."

(voice-over): "Bad commencement speech."

(David M. Letterman in a suit, wearing a mortarboard, growling): "Why don't you go f   k yourself!"

(voice-over): "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech / Bad Commencement Speech.' "

(title graphic)

(Dave, to the audience): "In all fairness... I gave the check back."

(Paul): "You can't say that on television. You're not allowed to say that."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "You may exit an aircraft via the inflatable slide only in an emergency, or on your birthday." ••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage. ••• interruption:
(A 70-ish man appears behind Dave.)

(Dave, turning to him): "Excuse me a second."

(man): "Ah, getting old. It happens to all of us, if we're lucky. What do you do when it happens to someone you love?" (pointing to Dave) "Now, look at him. Sure, he's still somewhat healthy... occasionally alert. But when you look in those glassy, vacant eyes, you can tell: he's a pretty dim bulb."

(graphic): Transitions Senior Solutions

(man): "At Transitions Senior Solutions, we understand what you're going through."

(photo): old folks home

(man): "Whether you're looking for in-home care, a retirement community, or just tired of fighting with the oxygen company, our customer associates are available 24-hours-a-day to find a solution that fits your needs, so call us today!"

(man, looking at his watch, then at Dave) "Looks like the show's almost over. Can I save you a seat on the shuttle bus?"

(Dave): "One: the show is not almost over, and two: No, thanks. I'm gonna walk."

(man, turning to leave): "Oh, good. I like to see you staying active."

(Dave, turning): "Bring him back out here!! Come on back out! Take a bow!"

(CBSO): "That's Entertainment."

(Dave): "Ah, man... I love the theater!"

••• Top Ten Other Films "Too Gay for Hollywood" ••• Vince Vaughn (who shows up from the wrong side) plugs The Internship. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": John Curtin, camera ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Live on Letterman" plug ••• Andy Kindler has a funny stand-up appearance. ••• Queens of the Stone Age sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/07/13: REPEAT FROM 5/14/13

6/10/13 [3862]: New tonight: The windows are missing from the backdrop behind Dave's desk. ••• Tonight only: The balcony's filled with NSA whistleblowers. ••• [We've learned in the last few days the extent to which the federal government is spying on its citizens.] / "The NSA Files" / video:

(title graphic and documentary music)

(photo): cue card guy Todd Seda

(voice-over): "July 6, 2012. Benjamin Anderson of Albany, New York makes a call at 2:36 P.M. to a residential number in Malaysia, while sitting on his phone."

(foreign-accented voice): "Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?"

(me): That's what the college kids call butt-dialing.

••• "Guarding Your Digital Privacy" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Remove sensitive data from your hard drive by washing your computer after every use."

(clip): Late Show staffer in a break room, laptop over a sink, washing it with a brush

(animation): Mr. staffer lowers the laptop into the water. Bzzzzzt. Sparks. Staffer: "Yeowwwww!" (x2)

(voice-over): "Stay safe, America."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Good Names for Cicadas": "Mitch" (and the Late Show "yes" bell) / Here's a first. It's an ad for Ford during the Highlights. ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave repeats his position that he's fine with the NSA spying on him. He couldn't be happier, because sometimes he feels desperately alone. He feels good that somebody's keeping track of everything he does.

  2. Dave picks up the DAVE phone, to hear Barack Obama's voice: "Nobody is listening to your telephone calls."

••• "Small Town News" /

  • Lincoln County Journal, Troy, Missouri / The audience applaud Troy, and get chewed out by Dave. / real estate ad (with a can of Campbell's Pork & Beans): "Bring in this ad to redeem your free can of Pork & Beans when you purchase a new 3 Bed 2 Bath home!"

  • Carbon County News, Red Lodge, Montana / police report: "Apparently two men were fighting over a woman, and a dead raccoon was thrown on a vehicle."

  • Southern Champaign County Today, Villa Grove, Illinois / storage company ad: "Storage Units and Outside Area Lighted and Secured with 6" fence"

  • New York Mills Dispatch, New York Mills, Minnesota / The audience get in trouble with Dave again. / police report: "Took a report of a stolen vehicle. The vehicle was located at the owner's home. The owner had left the home on foot and forgot that the vehicle was there."

  • Free Lance-Star, Fredricksburg, Virginia / classified ad: "MISSING: Electrolux vacuum"

  • The Lewiston Tribune, Lewiston, Idaho / crime report: "A man called... police because he believed his ex-wife had come into his home while he was away and ate half a bag of his chips."

  • The Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon: "One of three workers arriving... for a house remodeling job... built a warming fire in the carport. The fire spread, so another worker used an excavator to knock down the carport and try to pull it away from the house. The blaze then spread to a Douglas fir tree. So, a worker grabbed a power saw to cut down the 120-foot-tall tree, which fell on the house. Firefighers were unable to save the structure."

  • Brainerd Dispatch, Brainerd, Minnesota / Paul offers a one-minute-long trip report of his vacation there. / sheriff's report: "DISTURBANCE — A report... of a 17-year-old Fort Ripley man who was mad because he had to do his homework."

  • Herald Times, Bloomington, Indiana / classified ad: "Casket standard size made of pine, ready for burial, can be used for book case, storage, etc. before final calling. $325.

  • Western Wayne News, Cambridge City, Indiana / police blotter: "Gillman Home Center... reported a possible theft of an unknown article from their store."

  • GoldClipper Magazine, Talmadge, Ohio / "DAN & VANESSA'S BEST CARPET CLEANING (Formerly Dan & Denise's Best Carpet Cleaning)"
••• Russell Brand plugs his worldwide stand-up comedy tour, about to begin in Chicago. Then he's off to Abu Dhabi in August. ••• Over the weekend, there were several breaches of security at live events. / "Recent Security Breaches" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "A woman appears onstage during Britain's Got Talent, and pelts Simon Cowell with eggs." (clip) "A protestor storms the court at the French Open." (clip) "And an unruly loiterer is removed from the Ed Sullivan Theater."

(clip): Alan Kalter gets hauled out by Bill DeLace's boys, after a good tasing.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Recent Security Breaches.' "

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michael Shannon plugs Man of Steel. ••• Haim sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/11/13 [3863]: Tonight's audience shout out is to visitors from Austria, via a comment about IHOP. ••• NSA spying on U.S. citizens is the #1 topic this week. Their surveillance is everywhere. Look what happened in the Late Show offices earlier today. / video:

Head Talent Researcher John Klarl (as an unsuspecting intern) steps into a staff break room. He opens the refrigerator to retrieve what appears to be a carton of milk. Yup. Right there he is. A well-dressed man (in a black, government-agent suit) is dutifully seated inside.
••• Tim Tebow has been not playing for the New York Jets. Next season, he's signed with the New England Patriots. Dave: "Bill Belichick and the Patriots were able to lure him up there with a brand new, state-of-the-art bench. / Anton Fig: rim shot / video from the CBS affiliate in Boston of Tebow's first workout at mini-camp:
Tim's in their ridiculous-looking mascot outfit, running sprints in an indoor practice facility.
••• It's graduation time. What about that first job? / video:
(photo): smiling college grads

(voice-over): "Are you interested in building your future while you help your country? The National Security Agency is looking for bright, motivated men and women who can keep their f    ing mouths shut."

(graphic): NSA insignia

(voice-over): "The National Security Agency: The good hands people."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "It's the kind of show that makes me wish I owned more televisions!" / The Late Show is sponsored by Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy®. ••• desk chat: Dave visits with Paul about current Broadway offerings, then reveals something I had no idea about. He's in a limited run on Broadway (just for tourists). / video promo:
(photo): a candelabrum

(voice-over): "Coming to Broadway this summer. Like you've never seen him before. The Shubert Organization proudly presents Letterace."

(clip): It's a gaudily-clad Dave, gold cape and all, tickling the ivories of a white grand piano.

(voice-over): "Call TeleCharge or visit letterace.com."

(me): Don't get too worked-up. Dave did not appear in a pre-taped bit. The Late Show's been FXing people's heads on others' bodies quite a bit lately. It was probably Paul playing the piano. (The piano player was wearing several rings, as Paul generally does.)

(cameo): costume designer Sue Hum

••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Superman / #4: On average day, three collisions with geese ••• Dana Carvey plugs some late-summer state fair appearances. ••• out of commercial: a puzzling development:
••• Dave discovers upon his desk a round, red button, about 4" in diameter. (It definitely wasn't there when I sat as his desk eight days ago.) Dave has several false starts at pressing the button to see what it's for. Paul doesn't have one of them. Dave's very curious, but Paul encourages him to leave it alone.

(Paul): "You never know what might happen."

(Dave): "Right, but there's no point in it being here if you don't press it from time to time."

(Paul implores Dave): "You're taking all of our lives in your hands if you press that."

(Dave): "Let me just see what happens. He lets her rip.

(FX): flashing lights, klaxons, sirens, whoops, etc.

(female, pre-recorded voice): "Autodestruct sequence initiated. This desk will explode in 30 seconds."

Dave, who we all know is one heroic dude, grabs a flashlight and makes his way to a newly-installed electronic panel to the left of his desk. Seconds tick away as Dave fusses with straightening the shoddily-mounted box, hanging crooked on the wall. He cuts a red wire. All is well.

(Dave, to Paul): "Wow. Whatever you do, don't let me press that button again."

(Dave, to head carpenter Harold Larkin and crew, loitering nearby): "Uh, look, guys, if you wanted tomorrow off, you just had to ask. You didn't need to install the self-destruct button."

(Larkin and crew, in unison): "Yeah, you're right. Sorry, boss. Sorry about that."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Nick Robinson, brand new high school graduate, plugs Kings of Summer. ••• The cast of Matilda the Musical (mostly kids) perform a number from the play. Apparently it focuses on a girl genius. The play's showing at the Sam S. Shubert Theatre, 225 West 44th St. I didn't care for it in the least, but it won four Tony Awards two days ago, so what do I know? ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/12/13 [3864]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a young lady who has an ankle tattoo. Dave proclaims it's Tattoo Night. Apparently her tattoos cost about $100 a foot. ••• There's a brand new reality show for the summer on CBS: The American Baking Competition. Here's a promo:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Coming up on The American Baking Competition: It's 60 pulse-pounding minutes of dough rising,"

(clip): sped-up footage of dough rising

(voice-over): "Only on CBS."

••• The NSA is monitoring citizens' e-mails and phone calls, but not every bit of information is useful. / "Least Useful NSA Intercepts" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(FX): phone ringing

(Person #1): "Bob?"

(Person #2): "No, Jim."

(Person #1): "Bob there?"

(Person #2): "No."

(Person #1): "All right."

(FX): phone hanging up

(FX): dial tone

(title graphic and Freeplay music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, "Tom (Brokaw) is famous for being the first openly South Dakotan journalist," and a plug for Kellogg's® Frosted Mini-Wheats™. ••• desk chat: Sunday is the big one: Father's Day. Dave's so excited. Mother's Day is just a warm-up for Father's Day. ••• "Father's Day Cards"
  • "Dad, I'd get you a tie, but you rarely wear a shirt" / History Lesson: Dave flings the card behind him, shattering one picture window instead of one of the former little window panes.
  • Sorry I Throw Like a Girl, Disappointed Dad"
  • "Dad, Thanks For Teaching Me To Smoke"
  • "Ohh, You Really Ripped That Envelope Open, Tough Guy"
  • "Dad, You're missing more and more hairs when you shave"
  • "Sorry I Hid Your Heart Medication, Dad"
  • "Dad, Just Because You Host a Late Night Talk Show Doesn't Mean I Think You're Cool"
  • "Dad, one lap-band might not be enough"
  • "DAD— PLEASE STOP BRAGGING ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR WITH LIBERACE" / clip from last night: Dave in Letterace
  • "Dad – Mom Says I Should Give This Card To Your Brother"
••• It's one of Dave's greatest all-time guests, Tom Brokaw. Tonight, of all things, he has fishing stories. He can be seen on The Brokaw Files, Thursdays on The Military Channel. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": Executive Producer Rob Burnett ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Darlene Love interviews with Dave for the first time, as the documentary 20 Feet from Stardom opens this week. She started her career as a back-up singer. ••• Darlene Love sings Bill Withers' "Lean on Me." (with the CBS Orchestra)

6/13/13 [3865]: Tonight's audience shout out is to tourists from Zurich, Switzerland. ••• Dave likes to pretend climate change isn't happening. Mayor Bloomberg is hardly ignoring it. In fact, he has a $20 billion program planned to deal with its effects. / video:

(New York City skyline, as seen from the river)

(simulation, with sound FX): Manhattan Island now sets on a scissor lift. We see and hear it hoisted up to avoid rising water from the melting glaciers. All is well. $20,000,000,000 sounds about right for a scissor lift, right?

••• monologue:
"Here's the difference: When people's privacy is violated, it's illegal surveillance. I think we can all agree on that. When your privacy is violated... illegal surveillance. When people violate their own privacy, that's Facebook."
••• "Father's Day Preview" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): Barack Obama

(voice-over): "President Obama is looking forward to Father's Day. He already knows exactly what gifts he'll receive, thanks to the NSA."

(split-screen presents and graphics): "Cologne. Golf balls. Electric razor. Churchill biography."

(voice-over): "Have a great day, dads."

••• Justin Bieber's on the list for a trip to space, via Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic. The going rate is $250,000. CNN asked people on the street what they think about this.
(doctored CNN video): "Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic has reserved a spot for Justin Bieber on one of its upcoming private space flights. We caught up with Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin, to get his reaction to the news."

(CNN clip / doctored voice-over): "Mr. Aldrin, what do you think of Justin Bieber becoming an astronaut?"

(clip): Buzz hauls off and punches the reporter.

(voice-over): "Gil Vernon, CNN, Los Angeles."

(me): I didn't know this story. Moon landing denier, Bart Sibrel, had been relentlessly harassing Buzz, calling him a liar and a thief on 9/22/09, when finally Buzz took a poke at his face. See for yourself. I remember that my 80-year-old grandma thought it was faked, too.

••• The latest Superman movie, Man of Steel, is opening this weekend. Here's a preview of what's sure to be a blockbuster. / video:
CAUTION: This will put you off your feed for a month. / video:

(C-SPAN clip): We see Congressman Barney Frank, wearing a Superman "S" shirt and red cape, man boobs all too visible, address the House of Representatives: "The transactional account. So yes, we are aware of the importance of Community Bank..."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tonight's show is so good, it's already been short-listed for the Nobel Prize in Entertainment," and a plug for Ford. ••• desk chat: Dave's all excited for Man of Steel. Let's have a look at "Superman's Greatest Villains." / video:
(title graphic and action-adventure music)

(voice-over): "Lex Luthor." (clip) "General Zod." (clip) "The Jeffersons."

(clip): George Jefferson: "Superman, I'm so sorry. I'm just so ashamed."

(clip of Teri Hatcher and Dean Cain, as Lois and Superman)

(Superman): "Just tell us what you did with the chemicals."

(Star Trek alien we see in the credits, with "A Desilu Production" graphic)

(The Jeffersons theme song)

(voice-over): "Superman is a Desilu Production."

•••
The United States Army celebrates its 238th birthday on June 14. Dave says that he and the family drove up to West Point on his birthday, April 12. They expected to see cadets drilling and marching. Oops. It was spring break. / Ten soldiers present the Top Ten Reasons I Love Being in the United States Army. Presenters are Captain David x, Staff Sergeant Sophia x, Sergeant First Class Ismael de lo Santos, Corporal Derek Anderson, Major Michelle Wesley, Master Sergeant Robert Frame, Sergeant Elizabeth Capellan, Captain Nick Kolodzy, Sergeant John Shoemaker and Army Chief of Staff, General Ray Odierno. (I'm sorry. I did the best I could with the names.)
••• desk chat: Dave and Paul compliment and thank the Army soldiers. ••• Harry Connick, Jr. plugs his CD, "Every Man Should Know," and compares notes with Dave on his three daughters with former Victoria's Secret model, Jill Goodacre. ••• desk chat: Dave and Paul have a small casino in Uruguay. Who knew? ••• It's a call from Jeff Altman on the 1978 DAVE phone. Jeff's character is especially loaded this time, so bear with me on the transcript. (This was on the script for last week, so Jeff's parts must be prerecorded.)

(Dave): "Hello."

(Jeff): "Uhhhhh, Mr. Lemmerman... I'm... I'm calling from the Federal Communications Commission. We... we need you to answer a few questions, to renew your talk show license."

(Dave): "Hello. You know... Uh. Hi. Uh... how did you get this number, and I've never heard of this, and... and how can I get you off the phone as quickly as possible?"

(Jeff): "Look.. don't (unintelligible) me, man. Just tell me your name."

(Dave, slowly): "Um... Pat Sajak."

(Jeff): "Uh, OK... (unintelligible) Network... network (burp)... network... network... network affiliation."

(Dave, laughing): "Uh, you sound like you might be a little dyspeptic. Are you alright, sir?"

(Jeff): "I'm... I'm... I'm fine."

(Dave): "Yeah. Network affiliation: CBS."

(Jeff): "Yeah. Spell that, please."

(Dave): "Oh, for the love of God! C...... B......"

(Jeff, stuttering): "D... D... D... D, as in dog? D... D... D... D, as in dog?"

(Dave): "No. B... as in bee."

(Jeff, burping): "B."

(Dave): "Oh, my God Almighty! S!"

(Jeff): "Hold... hold on, will you? My damn computer froze."

(Jeff, hollering into the next room): "Hey! Hey, Grandma... get out... get out of the sink!"

(Dave): sighing

(Jeff): "Alright. OK. Last question."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Jeff): "Can... can... can you please tell me that I'm pretty?"

(Dave): "You know what... no. I'm not gonna do that."

(Jeff): "Loook, bud. You can... you can make, you can make this... you can make this easy, or you can make this hard."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. Well, I think that's the last thing I'd want to do. Umm."

(Jeff): "Just tell me I'm pretty."

(Dave): "What was it? Your grandmother in the sink? Is that what I heard?"

(Jeff): "My, my, my grandmother's... my grandmother's in the sink, and... and she's... she's not wearing any clothes."

(Dave, laughing): "Why don't you get her to tell you that you're pretty?"

(Jeff): "I've done all I can here. Just tell me you're pretty, awright?"

(Dave): "OK. How about this? We're both pretty."

(Jeff): "Look. Look. Look, I'll send you your license and a lock of my hair, and if you need anyone in the mean time, call Zorro."

(Dave, laughing): "Alright!"

(FX): hang-up and dial tone

(Dave): "I'll be happy.... how about that? I'll be darned. Whew! We'll be right back with Dylan Moran."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "REMINDER: All U.S. streets, roads, and highways will be closed this weekend for repairs. Sorry for any inconvenience." ••• Dylan Moran does stand-up. ••• Harry Connick, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• full credits

6/14/13: REPEAT FROM 5/09/13

6/17/13 [3866]: monologue:

"Well, let's get to the news of the world. You know what's goin' on in Ireland... the big G8 Summit, taking place in Ireland? And... listen to this: For 68 years, European leaders have been getting together, and they have still been unable to come up with a standardized electrical outlet."
••• [Iranians gave Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the boot the other day, in favor of the moderate Hassan Rowhani.] / ""Hassan Rowhani: Moderate" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(clip of the dude, who looks like an ayatollah)

(voice-over): "New Iranian president, Hassan Rowhani, rather than calling for 'death to Ameria,' (animated U.S. map) is calling for death to the Mid-Atlantic states, Florida, the West Coast, the Great Plains, and the part of Michigan that looks like a mitten."

(FX): Late Show "yes" bells

(title graphic)

••• "Dick Cheney: Telling It Like It Is" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(Dick "Kaboom" Cheney on Fox News): "I have problems."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Biff Henderson shows up at Dave's mark, overcome with laughter.
(Dave): "But this is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating. It's the biggest manhunt..."

(Biff): "Oh, man, that's a good one, Dave! That's a good one, man."

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

(Biff): "Yeah, you know, we've had a lot of laughs here tonight, but we've gotta run. See ya tomorrow. Goodnight, everybody!"

(CBSO): theme song

(Dave, to Paul): "Hold it. Hold it. Hold it."

(Dave): "Biff, we're just starting. The show is not over."

(Biff): "Who cares? I'm going to see Man of Steel."

(Biff turns to walk offstage.)

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, there's our Man of Steel, Paul Shaffer!"

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Boy, is my face red. Turns out those tall, white, wooden chairs at the beach are just for the lifeguards. The Late Show is sponsored by the Cottonelle® Care Routine. Test your cleaning logic at cottonelle.com." ••• desk chat:
Dave wants to talk about Disneyland. Know what it costs to drop by Disney World? $92 for adults, and $87 for kids, that's what. He and Paul talk about their visits there, but Dave's point is that you don't have to pay all that $$$ to have fun.
"Affordable Alternatives to Disneyland" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(voice-over): "For $92, you can go to Disneyland and meet Donald Duck. Or, for $0, you can stay home and do this."

(clip): A man fishing on a rowboat on a small lake or pond is attacked by a goose (that's supposed to be Donald Duck). It's crazy! Eventually the poor bastard falls out of the boat.

(me): Watch out for brain-eating amoeba!

(voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'Affordable Alternatives to Disneyland.' "

(FX): pond wildlife sounds

(title graphic)

(me): Here's the original YouTube video used in this segment.

••• [North Hempstead, New York Town Supervisor Jon Kaiman, who was attending an exclusive concert by Art Garfunkel on June 8 at the Great Neck Arts Center, said he pulled out his cellphone mid-concert to stop it from buzzing. That's when Garfunkel became irritated and stormed off the stage, according to one person who was in the audience. Kaiman claims Garfunkel was about to take a break, anyway.] / Top Ten Things Overheard at the Art Garfunkel Concert / #3: "He's easily one of my three favorite Garfunkels." ••• Bill O'Reilly plugs his book, Kennedy's Last Days. (Dave has a gag book, Leno's Last Days.) It's good to see Dave and Big Bill getting along better these days. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Should you celebrate the birthdays of your tropical fish?" •••
Greta Gerwig plugs the movie she co-wrote, Frances Ha. Her first visit with Dave was on 1/19/11. Her film's a little unusual for these days, as it's black and white. Late in the interview, Jerry Foley takes the Late Show to black and white. As requested by Dave a bit earlier, the audience rise to give Greta a standing ovation after her clip is shown.
••• Quadron sing. (me: Why?) Dave seemed to like them, anyway. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/18/13 [3867]: Tonight's audience shout it is a little puzzling.

Dave says, "I was talkin' to a guy a minute ago. I thought were talkin' about baseball. Next thing I know, he wants to get married to this woman, and he's never seen her before. I don't know." (shot of the guy and his supermodel girlfriend) "There you go, Coach!" (pause) Dave: "I think it's a law. I don't know if it's a national law. I know it's a law here in New York State: If you and a woman are seen on TV together, you have to get married." (kiss cam) "I don't know what to tell you." The babe is stunning, that's for sure. Dave: "Why don't you kids get a room!"
••• "Another NSA Bombshell?" / video:
(CNN screen capture): The White House

(voice-over): "White House officials are scrambling to contain damage from the NSA scandal."

(NSA headquarters shot)

(voice-over): "Now word comes that the spy agency has not only been monitoring your telephones and computers, but your toasters, as well."

(letterhead):

NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY
TOASTER SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM
 
NAME PREPARED ITEM
LEO BROOKS TOAST
ELLA COOPER TOAST
ASHLEY HOLDEN TOAST
LORI HEIER POP-TART
AMELIA MAXWELL TOAST
JACK AVERY TOAST
GRACE RONIN TOAST
CHARLIE ECK WAFFLE
LILY RAPHAEL TOAST

(voice-over): "Suzanne Malveaux, CNN."

••• monologue:
"I was mentioning this to the audience a little earlier: It feels a little muggy in here. It's startin' to get humid, and you can tell already that it's summer. And here's one of those 'only in New York'... It's a sure sign of summer. I was walkin' on my lunch hour through Central Park. My hand to God, this is a true story. It's so hot and sunny outside, I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts."

interruption: A man in a white lab coat comes out by Dave, then steps over to Tony Mendez, where he confiscates the just-used cue card. He dusts off Tony's lettering with a paint brush, closely studying the lettering.

(Dave): "Excuse me, sir?"

(man): "Hi. I'm Dr. James Donnelly from the UC Berkeley Archaelology Department."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Dr. Donnelly blows age-old dust off the cue card, and carries it offstage.)

(Dave, smiling): "That joke's not that old!"

(Paul): "Carbon dating."

(Dave): "UC Berkeley. Came all the way out from UC Berkeley."

••• There are amazing special effects in the Superman movie. / video:
(graphic): Man of Steel logo

(action shots)

(Superman, to Lois Lane): "You might want to step back a little bit."

(Amy Adams, as Lois Lane): steps back a bit

(Henry Cavill, as Superman): "Maybe a little bit more."

(Superman): burrows into the tarmac

(Superman, with echo): "Sorry... had it in reverse."

(Superman): speeds off into the sky

(graphic): credits shot

(graphic): trailer shot

(trailer voice-over): "Rated PG-13. Experience in IMAX, 3-D and 2-D."

••• The G8 Summit's underway. What's going on there?

(G8 leaders at game show lecterns): Herman, Barack, Jose, David

(game show host): "When making cajun pork stew fricassee, what cut of meat is most commonly used?"

(Herman buzzes.)

(host): "Mr. Van Rompuy."

(Herman Van Rompuy): "The backbone."

(host): "That is correct!"

(game show announcer and theme song): "World Leader Trivia Showdown will return in a moment."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and Applebee's® plug ••• desk chat: Dave doesn't want to brag, but reveals that he's in a superhero movie this summer. He reluctantly shows a clip. / video:
(action movie scenes)

(deep-voiced movie trailer voice-over): "When a megalomaniac unleashes a devious plot to steal the world's water supply, billionaire industrialist Bryce Colton must turn into his masked alter ego to stop him."

(Dave, in a ½-second action clip)

(deep-voiced movie trailer voice-over): "By his side, intrepid reporter Tori Tate, who must shield his true identity from her cantankerous editor."

(Dave, at his desk, in white shirt, with cigar, hollers): "I want photos of this kook by 4 P.M., or you'll all be writing obituaries in Muncie!"

(deep-voiced movie trailer voice-over): "Gosling, Biel, Dreyfus, Letterman: Super Captain Action Man. Coming soon."

••• U. S. Open winner Justin Rose presents the Top Ten Questions People Ask Me About Golf / #7: "Ever get tired of Jim Nantz whispering?" ••• Don Rickles, Mr. Warmth, drops by, but fails to fire off a rocket. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and an announcement from Mayor Michael Bloomberg: "Jokes about the mayor banning everything are forbidden." ••• Nick Cannon plugs America's Got Talent. ••• Tom Keifer (of Cinderella) sings with a different group. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/19/13 [3868]: Hey! Call back the archaeologist from UC Berkeley. It's Dick "Kaboom" Cheney showing his FX artificial heart / desktop computer, not seen since 1/14/13! The joke is you can charge your phone all over the city, and Dick needed to charge his strapped-on heart. ••• People are a bit upset about recent product placement in movies. / video:

(Superman, in Man of Steel): "It wouldn't be much of a surrender if I resisted." (mumbles)

(Amy Adams, as Lois): "What's the S stand for?"

(Photoshop fun): Superman's now holding a package of Stove Top® Stuffing.

(graphic): Superman "S"

••• Man of Steel has created controversy among fans. Traditionalists have some problems. / video:
(clips)

(voice-over): "The new Superman film, Man of Steel, marks a sad departure from the character's proud history. Where are the external red underpants?"

(clip): "I'm Mitch Skelnick, president of The Association of External Red Underpants Manufacturers."

(pan down to reveal his external red underpants)

(Skelnick continues): "If you're a real Superman fan, or just a fan of men's fashions, fight for truth, justice and the American way, by boycotting this misguided film."

(graphic): The Association of External Red Underpants logo, in the shape of external red underpants, of course

(voice-over): "The Association of External Red Underpants Manufacturers: Building a Brighter Future."

(me): Mitch Skelnick is a very busy executive of this international association. Brian Carney, son of Art Carney, played Mr. Skelnick in this segment. Readers are advised that The Association of External Red Underpants Manufacturers is in no way associated with Worldwide Pants Incorporated.

••• Barack Obama's over in Germany, at the G8. / "Memorable Presidential Speeches in Germany" / video:
(title graphic and sappy music)

(female voice-over): "June 26, 1963."

(John F. Kennedy): "As a free man, I take pride in the words, 'Ich bin ein Berliner.' "

(female voice-over): "June 12, 1987."

(Ronald Reagan): "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

(female voice-over): "July 31, 2006."

(George W. Bush): "Last night, Jeb and I had some crabs with, like, members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, Dan Marino and his really dynamic wife."

(title graphic and sappy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check eBay. I bet one of the world leaders is already selling their G8 totebag." / Direct TV plug ••• desk chat: Dave produces a copy of Summer: A User's Guide, by Suzanne Brown, and reads some tips from the book.
  • Build a gigantic sand castle.

  • Run through a sprinkler.

  • Tie-dye T-shirts.

  • Make a necklace out of dandelions.

  • Rent a kayak.

  • Make a rope swing.

  • Squeeze fresh lemonade.

Paul says, "I could really use a book like that. You know, something that would help a busy guy like me keep busy, and give me something to choose from a well-thought-out list of recreational activities... a list which is perfect for family summertime fun. As a matter of fact, judging from the list you just read from... just one page of that rather substantial volume... I would be so bold as to assert that everything you need to know about summertime fun is written in that book, right there."

(Dave): "Well, nothing could be farther from the truth, Wayne and Shuster."

(Paul): spit take

(Paul, agitated): "Wayne and Shuster?"

We transition now to "Fun Things to Do in the Summertime," the Late Show's take on the subject.

  • Don't stay inside watching television. Move the TV into the yard.

  • Apply masking tape before sunbathing, to give yourself slimming, vertical-striped tan lines.

  • Go door-to-door, checking neighbors for ticks. / (Dave): "A tick, by the way, can live five years without water." (Paul): "That bastard!"

  • Swim naked in a shopping mall fountain.

  • Catch, field dress and grill a raccoon.

  • Continue searching for Jimmy Hoffa.

  • Pick up a hitchhiker. Bring him to your clambake.

  • Put a bikini on your kitty.

  • Fake a slip-and-fall injury at your local pool.

  • Attend a professional baseball game, or a Mets game.
••• [Dave shows a clip of a completely unmotivated Chinese guy loading cargo onto a conveyor belt that moves cargo onto a plane. He's throwing boxes, and about one of four are landing on the belt. (video) / Top Ten Things Going Through This Guy's Mind ••• Jeff Daniels plugs The Newsroom. ••• "Pat Farmer: Gadgetman" /
(Pat): "Thanks, Dave, and welcome to the world of 3-D printing. One day soon, you'll be able to print virtually any three-dimensional object, in the comfort of your own home. This iPhone cover, this bracelet, even this toy car, were all printed using three-dimension technology. And now, let's see it in action."

(Pat pokes on a MacBook for a few seconds.)

(Pat): "Before your very eyes, I'm gonna print a 3-D kitchen spatula that would cost you two to four dollars if you bought it at the store."

(Dave): "Spatula. Two to four dollars. 3-D spatula."

(The 3-D FORMS printer cranks away.)

(Pat): "And almost instantly..."

(Dave): "And that's the printer, right there. Spatula. OK."

(Pat): "Almost instantly."

(Dave): "Everything alright? Alright. Good."

(Pat removes a live lobster from the printer.): "Sorry, Dave. It's supposed to be a spatula."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Pat): "You mind if I keep it?"

(Dave): "No, that's fine. Of course you can keep it, uh, Pat."

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave."

(Dave): "Yeah. Thank you."

(CBSO): peppy theme song

••• Kim Jeong plugs Despicable Me 2. He's been an internal medicine M.D., until becoming an actor. ••• Jim James sings. He's a dancing hippie in a suit, who has quite an inflated sense of his importance as a musician. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

6/20/13 [3869]: Have you ever watched a commercial for summer? Well, you still haven't, because you're going to read it. / video:

(photos): the sun, followed by a wienie

(Freeplay music): "Fifth Avenue Stroll"

(voice-over): "The sun's rays can be harmful. Protect the sensitive skin of your hot dogs, with French's® SPF45 mustard. It's..."

(graphic): "Joke's Over!" and stage curtains

(music): 1950s TV show theme song

••• monologue: Dave calls for a somber picture of Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin on a patio during the G8 Summit, looking bored out of their minds. "It's like Thanksgiving with your relatives, isn't it, except for the flags." ••• We learned this month that in 2005, Putin stole the Super Bowl ring belonging to the New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, and it's now on display in the Kremlin. It's valued at about $25,000. Now look at what Putin pulled this week. / video:
(clip): Obama and Putin, on the aforementioned patio

(Barack Obama): "...violence, and we are continuing to strengthen, uh... our cooperation on this issue."

(the latest Late Show Photoshopped-head gag): As Obama speaks, "Putin" starts stealing silver serving utensils from a little table, stuffing them under his suit coat. He gets everything but the silver tray!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tasty Tip": "The hard crusty bits stuck to the inside of your microwave are great on salads." / Chrysler plug ••• Jerry Foley opens the TTL. / interruption:
Mike McIntee, wearing a driver's outfit: black suit and hat, shows up behind Dave. He's holding a passenger card: "LETTERMAN."

(Dave): "What is that? What is that? You know, I'm sorry. I didn't. Oh, I didn't... I'm sorry... I didn't... I didn't call for a car. I'm sorry."

(Mike): "Oh... no, no, no. This isn't for a car."

(Dave): "Not for a car?"

(Mike): "The network was just worried that people didn't know who you were."

(Dave, speechless): "Oh. Well, that's fine. Thank you. I appreciate that."

(Dave, to Paul): "Network, worried that people didn't know who I was."

(Mike): clears his throat

(Dave): "What now? Huh?"

(Mike): clears his throat and rubs his fingers together

(Dave): "Oh, for God's sakes."

(Dave digs around and finds some $$$ for the not-a-driver guy.)

(Mike, tipping his hat): "Very good, sir.

(Mike, in the June 20 Wahoo Gazette): It was a $5 bill.

••• Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Summer Job / #6: Your parents lie and tell people you're a stripper. •••
John Travolta plugs his movie with Robert DeNiro, Killing Season. As usual, Dave's fascinated with John as the 8,000-hour commercial pilot who lives by an airport, and has a Boeing 707 parked nearby. Before the interview's over, Dave extracts a promise from John to fly him to New Zealand! Captain Travolta has 11 pilot licenses and ratings. Dave tells John about his troubles with his Robert DeNiro interview of 12/17/10, when he basically got nothing from the superstar. He can't shut up about how bad he thought it was (which is exactly the way I remember it). / After the interview, Jerry Foley runs a clip, probably edited in, of DeNiro mumbling about something or other.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Special Promotion": "For tonight only, the Late Show is waiving the usual shipping and handling fees!" ••• Chris Distefano does stand-up. ••• Japandroids sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: a shot of John Travolta showing his puppies (biceps)

6/21/13: REPEAT FROM 4/23/13

6/24/13 [3870]: Dave has an audience shout out to a couple from Maumelle, Arkansas. The woman is very cute, so she'll get more airtime, and even a Top Ten entry. ••• Now Mr. Paul Shaffer gets a monster shout out for his white Dalmation coat. Where does one purchase such a fine item, anyway? •••

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has managed to sneak out of Hong Kong, but how? He traveled as cargo, that's how. / Dave shows the viral YouTube video (2,800,000 views) of a lazy Chinese guy tossing cargo onto a conveyor belt to load an airplane. About one of four boxes is landing on the belt. (video) / Snowden, through some fancy FX, is tossed onto the belt by the Chinese guy.
••• interruption: Alan Kalter introduced Dave as a man who works without a net (because of Nik Wallenda, who walked across a gorge near the Grand Canyon yesterday). / voice-over and Chyron: "Dave Letterman has chosen not to wear a tether, or have a net below him. This program is live... anything could happen. Viewer discretion is advised." ••• World War Z, yet another film about zombie troubles, opened yesterday. / video:
(clips): citizens running amok, trying to escape zombies

(female voice-over): "Americans are understandably concerned about the zombie threat. First Lady Michelle Obama reminds you that if the worst happens and you become one of the undead, with an insatiable appetite for human flesh, also eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables."

(Photoshop fun): zombie eating broccoli

(female voice-over): "The Obama administation: We give up."

••• NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is trying to get asylum in Ecuador. / video:
(CNN video and Freeplay music: "Need to Know")

(voice-over): "Edward Snowden continues to elude American authorities. It now appears that he may have left Russia, with a hope of gaining asylum in either Cuba or Ecuador. Meanwhile, Snowden's hot, pole-dancing girlfriend has been offered asylum by the following countries."

(Chryon crawl, in high gear): "Italy, Denmark, Latvia, Colombia, Canada, Belgium, Trinidad and Tobago, Australia, Portugal, Morocco, United Kingdom, Equatorial Guinea, Sweden, Russia, Tanzania, The Czech Republic, Mexico, France, Brazil, Myanmar, Germany, Uzbekistan, South Africa, China, Bangladesh, Norway, Japan, Argentina, Iceland, Israel, New Zealand, The Netherlands, India, Paraguya, Uruguay, Kuwait, South Korea, Poland, Indonesia, Cuba, Lithuania, Spain, Thailand, Ireland, Ukraine, Chile, Senegal, North Korea, Tibet, Bolivia, Zimbabwe, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Algeria, Philippines, Cambodia, Greece, Honduras, Switzerland, Crotia, The Bahamas, Lebanon, Vietnam, United Arab Emirates, Hungary and Marshall Islands."

(CNN logo)

(voice-over): "More news after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I think we all enjoyed the 'supermoon.' However, a word of warning to the moon: don't get cocky.' " / a plug for Jack Daniel's Old No. 7™ ••• desk chat:
New York restaurants are hiding the health code inspection grades that are supposed to be displayed in their windows. / outside cam to Rupert: He has his grade proudly displayed on the front window. We take a look. Yup... there it is. We see 13 pieces of paper, each showing a C grade, taped to the window in the form of an A. / Rupert calls out his associate, May Chin, to take a bow.
••• Dave shows video of Nik Wallenda walking across a gorge by the Grand Canyon on a cable yesterday (using a balance pole), giving shout outs to Jesus every five seconds, like Jimmy Swaggart. / Top Ten Things Going Through Nik Wallenda's Mind at This Moment / #9: "I've gotta sneeze." ••• Melissa McCarthy plugs The Heat. ••• Once again, Dave gives airtime to Alan Kalter. /
(Alan): "Well, thank you, Gomer. I appreciate that. You've all heard that the Men's Wearhouse® canned that bearded stooge, George Zimmer. After three decades, they finally realized that sex sells, and they quickly contacted Big Red. That's right, America. You're looking at the new face of Men's Wearhouse®! Here's a sneak preview. Enjoy."

(clip): wedding procession

(Alan voice-over): "On your wedding day, it's all about the bride: her dress, her flowers, her hair. But while everyone is looking at her, she'll be looking at me. And, although there's a father of the bride, she'll be calling me Daddy. I guarantee it."

(graphic): "Men's Wearhouse®"

••• "Backstage Photo Club": It's editor Dan Baggio. ••• Idris Elba plugs Pacific Rim. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a shout out to Late Show fan Hassan Rowhani, newly-elected president of Iran ••• Dale Watson and His Lonestars sing. Dale has hair like those old-time presidents of the United States. He only lies when he's drunk (and he drinks a lot).

••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig tonight.]

6/25/13 [3871]: It's hot today in the Northeast... the kind of day when kids set up lemonade stands. Three kids have a stand on 53rd St. / outside cam: We see a girl step under a window air conditioner and refill a pitcher with its drippings. ••• CBS has a popular new show, Under the Dome. / video:

(title graphic and peppy 50s theme song)

(Rachael Ray, in a kitchen, droning): "Around this time of year, you start to see on menus and home cooks alike start making pasta primavera... spring pasta with a mixture of spring vegetables and greens..."

(FX): We see and hear a translucent dome lowered over Ray by a noisy motor. Now she's seen, but not heard.

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'Shows That Would Be Better Under a Dome.' "

••• "Memorable Presidential Speeches on the Environment" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "July 15, 1979."

(Jimmy Carter): "In the days to come, let us renew that strength, in the struggle for an energy-secure nation."

(voice-over): "January 25, 1984."

(Ronald Reagan): "Preservation of our environment is not a liberal or conservative challenge. It's common sense."

(voice-over): "February 15, 2002."

(George W. Bush): "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tool Tip": "Brush and floss your saw's teeth after each use." / Olive Garden® plug ••• desk chat: There's no reason you have to suffer through the heat . A floor camera gets a shot of Dave from behind. He has a backless suit coat. He also has a gigantic tattoo. It turns out Dave got it a couple of weeks ago at a street fair. ••• Ecuador has supposedly granted asylum to NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden. / Top Ten Questions on the Application for Asylum in Ecuador ••• Channing Tatum plugs White House Down. ••• interruption:
Assistant cue card boy Todd Seda hurries onto set, landing in guest chair #1, setting down a big bag from Duane Reade®.

(Todd): "I got your stuff from the drugstore."

(Dave): "Oh, great, Todd. You can just leave the stuff right there. Thank you very much."

(Todd): "Uh, the pharmacist had some instructions."

(Dave): "Pharmacist did? OK, sure."

(Todd, setting pill bottles on Dave's desk): "Yeah. So he said this is for the morning. This is for your foot thing. This is your bladder medication."

(Dave): "Did you tell him about that thing on my back?"

(Todd): "This is your... I did not."

(Dave): "OK. I'll call him."

(Todd): "Uh, this is your other bladder medication. Uh, this is for that mothball smell. This is... oh, everyone on staff has to take one of these."

(Dave): "Everybody's takin' one of these?"

(Todd): "Yup. Took one this morning. This is for the swelling in your lips."

(Dave): "Right. Uh, do you have anything in there for weak comedy?"

(Todd): "No. That requires surgery."

(Todd gets up and walks away.)

(Dave): "We'll be right back with Tim DeChristopher, ladies and gentlemen."

••• Alan Kalter, finishing the Act 5 Audience Pan voice-over, says, "I didn't even read that off cue cards." (points to his noggin) "It's all up here." •••
Environmental activist Tim DeChristopher, who spent two years in a federal prison for being a pain in the ass at a land auction, discusses the documentary on him, Bidder 70. He wanted to disrupt auctions of public land, by bidding on a bunch of land he had no intention of paying for. He claims we're headed for catastrophic climate change.
••• Fitz and The Tantrums sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig tonight.]

6/26/13 [3872]: Paula Deen is a TV cook who, because of complaints of racial insensitivity, was dropped as a spokesperson for Walmart today. / slightly-retouched video from the Today Show:

(Paula Deen): "Uhh, there's a couple of kinds of people that I don't like, that I am prejudiced against, Matt, and that's thiefs [sic] and people of color."

(Matt Lauer): "Paula Deen. Thanks for being here this morning. I appreciate it."

(Paula Deen, weepy): "Thank you for havin' me, Matt."

(graphic): animated Today Show logo

••• This is exciting: NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is in the balcony for tonight's show, up there with the CBS guests. / doctored video ••• Dave also gives a shout out to genius video editor Mark Spada, who's sitting right next to the bogus Edward Snowden! ••• We see the Paula Deen doctored video again. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Little-Known Secret Service Abbreviations": "POTOTUS" (Potato of the United States) •••
[New York City hit 93° F this afternoon.] / desk chat: Is it so hot you've lost the will to live? / outside cam to Broadway: Any astute Late Show fan knows what's coming. Yes, it's the first Hose Cam® since 7/24/12! Dave gives us what is perhaps his finest-ever public-address "Heeeeeeeeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty." (.mp3) We got 24 kitties and two meows. There isn't much pedestrian traffic, but Dave manages to drench four willing citizens. Dave: "It's surprising to me I don't win more awards."
••• The Backstreet Boys present (via song) their Top Ten Backstreet Boy Lyrics. / #6: A Ford Motor Company lyric nets a cool $50,000 for the Boys. ••• Jamie Foxx plugs White House Down. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" bumper: It's George W. Bush's stealth cleaning of his glasses lenses, compliments of Maria Pope's jacket. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Patrick Kane of the Chicago Blackhawks, Stanley Cup MVP, visits with Dave. / outside cam: Dave hoses down Patrick and the Stanley Cup. ••• Wale (Olubowale Victor Akintimehin) sings or raps, or whatever you call it. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: a new camera angle of Patrick Kane and the Stanley Cup getting soaked ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig tonight.]

6/27/13 [3873]: Dave has a few shout outs to a couple from San Diego, who supposedly haven't seen the show in 20 years. ••• [Under the Dome debuted on CBS this summer. It's based on a Stephen King novel, and about a Maine town that has a force field around it, preventing citizens from reaching the outside world.] / "Shows That Would Be Better Under a Dome" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme)

(Today Show clip): Kathie Lee Gifford is imitating Regis, and droning on.

(FX): We see and hear a dome being lowered over Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb, which is nice.

Silence is golden, in this case.

••• "Shocking New Edward Snowden Leaks" / video:
(title graphic)

(photo): "Marjorie Lewis"

(voice-over): "Human resources assistant Marjorie Lewis takes reams of 8½" by 11" copy paper from the NSA supply room to use on her home printer."

(black-and-white clip of pilfering in progress)

(voice-over and graphic): "This has been 'Shocking New Edward Snowden Leaks.' "

••• "Memorable Presidential Speeches on the Environment" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "February 8, 1972"

(Richard Nixon): "The protection of wildlife and natural beauty, parks for all to enjoy... these are part of the birthright of every American."

(voice-over): "January 25, 1997."

(Bill Clinton): "If you pollute our environment, you should pay to clean it up!

(voice-over): "February 15, 2006."

(George W. Bush): "It's the first time, uh, we've been back to Texas since our trip to Africa, and you may recall we went to a park in Botswana."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Keys were invented as a means to vandalize cars." / a plug for Macy's ••• desk chat: Johnny Depp, always a fine guest, is back on the show to talk about his role as Tonto in the soon-to-be-released The Lone Ranger. Dave loves his character, and how he represents Native Americans rising above adversity. ••• Johnny Depp plugs The Lone Ranger. ••• desk chat: Dave points out the obvious: that Johnny Depp is extra cool. ••• Marc Maron plugs the season finale of Maron. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan's sporting a black eye patch tonight. ••• Dawes sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Shawn Pelton was in for Anton Fig tonight.]

6/28/13: REPEAT FROM 6/20/13

7/01/13: REPEAT FROM 6/13/13

7/02/13: REPEAT FROM 5/13/13

7/03/13: REPEAT FROM 6/03/13 (DaveCon 2013)

7/04/13: REPEAT FROM 6/11/13

7/05/13: REPEAT FROM 5/22/13

7/08/13 [3874]: [Andy Murray defeated Novak Dyokovic at Wimbledon, to become the first player from the UK to win in 77 years.] / animation: Queen Elizabeth II smoking on a balcony at Buckingham Palace (x2) ••• "George W. Bush Word of the Night" / ABC video: "Awesome." ••• monologue: "New saints: Pope John Paul II, Pope John Paul XXIII and also, Mrs. Eliot Spitzer." ••• "Get to Know NY Politicians" / video:

(title graphic and "Star Spangled Banner")

(Eliot Spitzer photo and voice-over): "Comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer is the guy with the prostitutes." / FX: Late Show "yes" bell

(Anthony Weiner photo and voice-over): "Mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner is the guy who texted photos of his deal." / FX: Late Show "yes" bell

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know NY Politicians.' "

(title graphic)

••• Not from the Red Cross: "Heat Stroke Warning Signs" /video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "Be on the lookout for odd or disoriented behavoir."

(video from ABC This Week): It's George W. Bush dancing crazy with African ladies.

(graphic and voice-over): "Stay Safe, America."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Government Official Shout Out": "Hey, Commerce Department Under Secretary for Economic Affairs Mark Doms!" / plug for Tums Freshers™ ••• desk chat:
  1. The History / Discovery / Learning Channel shows are nothing of the sort. They're mostly people you don't want to get near, who hunt alligators for a living. There's a billion other things you can do with your life. The alligator shows are always, "Get him by the tail, Bob, and I'll kill it. Get him in the boat and we can kill it."

  2. Dave was watching TV with Harry, and one of the erectile dysfunction things comes on. They run their little commercial and Harry says, "Daddy, did he say reptile dysfunction?"
••• When he knew he was going into show business, Kal-El changed his name to Superman. And of course, his father's name was Jor-El. Are there some other names like that back on Krypton? Yup. / "Superman's Family" / video:
(title graphic and the Superman movie theme)

(voice-over): "Born on Krypton as Kal-El, Superman has a family that includes his father, Jor-El..." (Marlon Brando clip) "His mother, Lara-El... and his cousins Mand-El..." (Howie Mandel) "Denz-El..." (Denzel Washington) "Ad-El..." (Adele) "Ferr-El..." (Will Farrell) "Heig-El..." (Katherine Heigl) "Lion-El..." (Lionel Richie) "L-El..." (LL Cool J) "Garfunk-El..." (Art Garfunkel) "Samuel-El..." (Samuel L. Jackson) "Emmanu-El..." (Emmanuel Lewis) "Dies-El..." (Vin Diesel) "Eth-El..." (Vivian Vance as Ethel Mertz) "Gumb-El..." (Bryant Gumbel) "Other Gumb-el..." (Greg Gumbel) "Norman F-el..." (Norman Fell) "and Superman's trouble-making brother, Urk-El." (Urkel)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Overextending a Very Thin Premise.' "

(title graphic)

••• Area lifeguards Christian Valasquez, Kristina Syvarth, Ian Moritz, Bernie Chester, Graham Howe, Renatao Azizbayeva, Jonathan Colon, Christina Nicholas, Sadie Ramos and Jeff Kalczinski present the Top Ten Thoughts Going Through a Lifeguard's Mind on a Typical Day. / #3: "Getting paid to sit in a chair and do nothing? I'm Letterman!" ••• Michael Cera plugs Crystal Fairy. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": Production Coordinator Michael Z. McIntee ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a close-up of Alan Kalter, who sees wires and stuff in our TVs ••• Martha Stewart plugs her bazillionth book, Living the Good Long Life: A Practical Guide to Caring for Yourself and Others. ••• Ra Ra Riot sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• with credits: Queen Elizabeth smoking ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

7/09/13 [3875]: [Montenegro is a country? Yup. It's in Southeastern Europe, with a population of around 600,000. Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from there, who apparently wanted to approach Dave during the preshow questions. They'll get plenty of airtime tonight.] ••• Photoshop fun: Fugitive spy Edward Snowden is Cinnabon™ Customer of the Month at their store in the Moscow Airport. ••• Tony Mendez has a cue card-sized caricature of Dave, which he claims he drew. /

(Dave): "That's cute, Tony. What is that?"

(Tony, smiling proudly): "I drew a picture of you golfing!"

(Dave): "I don't play golf."

(Tony): "Well, what do you do?"

(Dave): "It's none of your business."

(Tony has a mini-rant in Spanish.)

(CBSO): Tony's theme song

••• [We've just learned that police in Pakistan gave Osama bin Laden a speeding ticket, sometime prior to his extermination by the United States Navy.] / dashboard cam video: It's one of the TV cop shows where a driver tries to speed away from an officer. ••• "A Few Moments with New York City Comptroller Eliot Spitzer" / video:
(title graphic)

(Eliot Spitzer clips, as follows): "Huge." "Enormous." "Massive." "Nuts." "Big." "Bigger." "Larger." "Too big." "Thrusting." "It goes deeper than that." "As thick as a rhinoceros." "As thick as a rhinoceros." "As thick as a rhinoceros." "I think Dick is on to something."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "All-Purpose Medical Advice": "Don't pick at it." / plug for DIRECTV™ ••• desk chat:
Dave announces that we have discontinued the "Stump the Host" program. He reads the first paragraph about Montenegro from the Wikipedia page I linked to above. The Montenegrins in the audience are delighted.
••• Will Dave never learn? He calls on Alan "Big Red" Kalter, who's wearing a white jacket and a black Elvis wig. We hear from Alan.
(Dave): "Alan, why are you... what is that?"

(Alan): "What is... what is what?"

(Dave): "I'm sorry. I thought, uh... I'm sorry. It's my mistake."

(Dave, to Paul): "Does he look a little...?"

(Dave, to Alan): "What is going on, Alan?"

(Alan, excited): "What's goin' on? We're havin' a clambake!"

Alan walks across the stage. The scrim rises to reveal a beach set, with four dancing twenty-somethings, tossing around beach balls. The five entertainers favor us with "Clambake." Fortunately for the North American viewing public, the song only lasts 30 seconds.
••• [ABC News has reported that a Golden Corral® in Port Orange, Florida was the subject of a YouTube video by Brandon Huber, who wanted to expose his store hiding food during a health inspection.] / Top Ten Golden Corral Excuses / #9: "Cows are out in the sun all day. What's the difference?" ••• Late Show Strike Captain Bill Scheft takes the stage to pass on his thanks, as a comedy writer, to easy targets Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner for running for political office. ••• Adam Sandler plugs Grownups 2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Joseph Arthur sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

7/10/13 [3876]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a man in a navy Late Show T-shirt. Dave found something to pick on him about, but we don't know what. ••• Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View. / You guessed it! / video: Four co-hosts are talking over each other. ••• Eliot Spitzer, prostitute aficionado, is running for New York City comptroller, thus tonight's "Understanding the Office of Comptroller." / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(graphic): Seal of New York City

(voice-over): "The New York City comptroller has a range of duties, including

  • ISSUING REPORMPTS ON THE CITY'S ECOMPOMY
  • AUDITING THE PERFORMPANCE OF CITY AGEMPCIES and
  • OVERMPSEEING PUBLIC EMPLOYMPEES' PEMPSION FUMPDS

(voice-over): Thanks for wamptching!"

(title graphic)

(me): wondering how many takes the voice-over guy needed

(me): I learned how to spell aficionado tonight. I chose the word to use above, but my spelling was so far off, I couldn't find it in a dictionary for a while.

••• Here's a very special segment: "Animals Behaving Like People" / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme music)

(voice-over): "Opening a car door." (little black bear)

(voice-over): "Riding a bicycle." (odd-looking dog riding a kid's bike, with training wheels)

(voice-over): "Smoking." (Shecky's standard Arnold Schwarzenegger-smoking-weed video)

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "The horsefly is neither a horse nor a fly. Wait, no, it is a fly. Disregard." / plug for Leinenkugel's® Summer Shandy ••• ESPN's ratings of their programming have dropped 32% over the past year. (May I suggest dropping Dick Vitale?) / Top Ten Lowest Rated ESPN Programs / #9: It's Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim as a card shark on ESPN2, with #5: World Series of Shuffling. •••
Salma Hayek Pinault, who's always been a fine guest, plugs Grownups 2. / Now here's something different. At some point in her life, the native of Coatzacoalcos, Veracruz, Mexico learned our "National Anthem," and the Late Show's all set. The lights dim, and a large U. S. flag is lowered into the backdrop behind Dave's desk. (Oh, so that's why they took out the fake windows in May.) Salma delivers quite a respectable performance, as Dave and the audience all stand at attention, hands over hearts, with some singing along.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Stay with us for more gift ideas for the hard-to-please hypochondriac." ••• desk chat: Dave reads some info on the symbolism of the parts of the U. S. flag. We also learn the definition of rampart. ••• Tony Hale plugs HBO's Veep. •••
Houndmouth sing. I rarely pay attention to musical acts on the show (other than the CBS Orchestra, of course), but I really liked Houndmouth, and their keyboards babe, Katie Toupin, is out-of-this-world gorgeous. So there! (Here's an article about them, written today.)
••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

7/11/13 [3877]: Dave will have so many audience shout outs for Abdul from Philadelphia that they have lighting on him. ••• Eliot Spitzer, prostitute aficionado, appeared on Morning Joe this week. / MSNBC video:

(Mark Halperin): "If you win this position, will you ever lie to the public?"

(Eliot Spitzer, laughing): "Sure."

(Fleetwood Mac): "Don't Stop" (thinking about tomorrow)

••• The fun continues. Here's footage... possibly live footage... of Eliot Spitzer out canvassing the city for votes for comptroller. / CNN video:
A car pulls over to by a curb. A woman walking the street, if you know what I mean, opens the car's passenger door and leans in to visit with the driver about her rates.
••• The Jet Propulsion Laboratory is involved with the CETI program. / video:
We see scientists in a JPL mission control room listening intently. What? Could it be? It's unmistakable. We hear the Commodores' "Brick House." The room full of scientists, in their powder blue polo shirts, go crazy with excitement.

(me): or could the occasion be the successful landing of Curiosity on Mars on August 6, 2012? Either way, nice going, JPL!

••• Pacific Rim, about mankind vs. monstrous sea creatures, opens tomorrow. / video:
(Pacific Rim clips)

(voice-over): "This summer, the epic battle between robots and monsters is on."

(Cut to one of the thousands of YouTube videos of a heroic dog attacking a vacuum cleaner.)

(voice-over): Pacific Rim. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "By a 7 to 1 margin, shoe polish outsells sock polish." / plug for Petsmart® ••• desk chat: "Grand Theft Auto" is a video game about stealing cars. A new version is coming out in a week or so. If you don't want to wait in line, you might want to check out this game, coming out sooner:
("Grand Theft Auto" action scenes)

(voice-over): " 'Grand Theft Auto' is back. It's a bigger, wilder world of action and drama! 'Grand Theft Auto V,' available September 17th. But, if you can't wait until September, try 'Grand Rent Auto.' "

(Enterprise car rental store employee): "I've got you down for a mid-size, sir. Do you want the optional insurance?"

(voice-over): " 'Grand Rent Auto.' In stores now."

••• Dave continues the desk chat with his "Summer Checklist."
  1. Using dozens of foam pool noodles, make one giant pool noodle. / "yes" bell

  2. Memorize lyrics to every One Direction song. / "yes" bell

  3. Get bitten by a tick, and develop iconic bullseye rash. / "yes" bell

  4. Stand up to CBS and demand that they give my staff another week of summer vacation. / "no" buzzer

  5. Tell Abdul from Philadelphia I'm not leaving. / "yes" bell

  6. Naked yoga. / "yes" bell

  7. Water Edward Snowden's plants. / "yes" bell (By the way, Dave wouldn't give that poor bastard's troubles to a monkey on a rock.)

  8. Find out what YOLO stands for. / "no" buzzer

  9. Purchase cowboy hat to avoid detection by drones. / "yes" bell

  10. Give every audience member $10,000. / "yes" bell / (Dave reports that they did that last night.)

  11. Repair my strained relationship with Ryan Seacrest. / "no" buzzer

  12. Design my own line of heart necklaces for Kay Jewelers. / "yes" bell

  13. Urinate in the slop sink. / "yes" bell (a Justin Bieber reference)

  14. Tonight's show... give tonight's show everything I've got, because, by God, America deserves it! / "no" buzzer
••• Top Ten Signs Your Country Is Too Fat / #10: National bird is the fried chicken. #3: National pastime: labored breathing. ••• Kevin James joins the long list of guests plugging Grownups 2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and,
"Reminder! Please Don't Spoil Our Magnificent Wilderness Regions. Dump Toxins And Pollutants Only In Heavily Populated Areas. Thanks!"
••• Shaun White, Olympic dude ••• Darius Rucker sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason is in for Will Lee.]

7/12/13: REPEAT FROM 6/24/13

7/15/13 [3878]: Dave has an audience shout out for Bloomington, Illinois couple. ••• Homeland Security boss Janet Napolitano is stepping down. The Late Show recognizes her service with Janet Napolitano's Greatest Moments." / video:

(title graphic and inspiring movie music)

(wrestling scene): A big, hefty woman (or a man in dress) decks a blondie dressed like Daisy Duke.

(voice-over): "Into the ropes! Oh, she almost sliced her in half with that clothesline!"

(title graphic and inspiring movie music)

••• "Shifty-Eyed Little Weasel" /
(title graphic)

We see some sort of headline news program, and four people onscreen. The host is droning on and on. A wide-eyed guy in a suit, one of the talking heads, is waiting for his opportunity to speak. Meanwhile, he's shifting his eyes from point to point in little jerks, like a lunatic.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a promo: "Catch Bruce Willis in Moonlighting. / plug for Fiat 500L •••
desk chat and outside cam to the Broadway sidewalk / weather report: 95° F, 44% RH, barometer 30.12 ↓, wind NW 6 MPH, visibility 10 miles / It's another long-awaited session of Hose Cam®. It's a bit of a slow start. Few are willing to step forward to fulfill their civic duty with a drenching from Dave, but business does pick up. Dave focuses on a hot dog vendor who's in front of the Computers & Cameras store next to Steak and Shake®. After commercial, Dave gets Arday, the hot dog proprietor, to wheel the cart into range. When positioned over the now-famous manhole/target, Dave turns on the rain. Success at last!
•••
Bruce Willis is in to plug Red 2. Dave's old friend, like Bill Murray, always comes with material. He enters the Ed Sullivan Theater on a bright blue citibike™, pedaling through the outer and inner lobbies to Dave's desk, as the CBS Orchestra plays a peppy version of "Proud Mary." You know... "Big wheel keep on turnin', Proud Mary keep on burnin'." (YouTube)

Bruce has one of those big, white plastic jars that nutritional supplements or fiber comes in. It's his new miracle pharmaceutical, CeleBruce® The wonder drug makes you look better. It makes your skin nice and tight. The label proclaims that the 50,000mg tablets are a pain reliever and fever reducer, and make you look more like Bruce. They make you kinder, and they even make you like Dave more!! Watch out for the side effects of tingling, forgetfulness and tragic, total hair loss. For some reason, instead of the blue pills (bearing Bruce's likeness, of course) shown on the label, they're flat, round tablets.

Bruce has photos of his little daughter, Mabel, and of Scout's graduation from Brown.

Later we'll see a clip of Mr. Willis in CBS's summer blockbuster, Under the Dome. It turns out that Bruce isn't actually under the dome. He's its next-door neighbor.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and announcement: "Lifeboat drill in 15 minutes. Attendance is mandatory." ••• Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig visits with Dave about drug testing in sports. ••• Valerie Simpson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/16/13 [3879]: Dave has an audience shout out to bullseye rash people. ••• "Meet the Non-All-Stars" / video:

(title graphic)

(Photoshop fun): We see assistant cue card boy Todd Seda in a Blue Jays uniform.

(voice-over): "Toronto Blue Jays shortstop Chet Pembleton. Whenever a ball is hit in his direction, he curls up in a fetal position."

(photo): Chet Pembleton, curled up in a fetal position on the field

(voice-over): "This has been 'Meet the Non-All-Stars.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Head stagehand Pat Farmer shows up at Dave's mark. The exchange goes something like this:
(Dave): "Hi, Pat."

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands here. Pat Farmer."

(Pat): "Thank you, Dave."

(Dave): "Nice to see you, Pat."

(Pat): "Same here, Dave. Same."

(Dave): "What... what brings you out in the middle of the show?"

(Pat): "Dave, I love the bit, but I'm confused about something."

(Dave): "Well, what's that, Pat?"

(Pat): "Well, this guy is good enough to be a major league baseball player... beating out lots of other people... excellent ball players, but he's somehow also terrible?"

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Pat): "It sounds to me like anybody right off the street would be better than this guy."

(Dave): "Yeah. Well, that's an interesting point, Pat. Uh..."

(Pat): "All I'm saying, Dave, is I realize you have to take comedic liberties, but be careful. That's all I'm saying."

(Dave): "Thanks."

••• The nation's all caught up in Sharknado, a movie about shark-dispensing tornados that ran on SyFy last week. The channel's not messing around. There's a sequel in the works. / video:
(action clips): huge ocean waves / stormy weather / dozens of airborne sharks

(voice-over): "We brought you sharks and a tornado in Sharknado. Now, get ready for sharks, and a consumer protection advocate, automobile safety reform crusader and former Green Party candidate in Sharknader."

(FX): face of Ralph Nader on a shark's body

(Sharknader): "To make demands, uh, for improving the rights of labor..."

(voice-over): "Sharknader. This fall, on SyFy."

(graphic): SyFy: Imagine Greater

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Turn that frown upside down." / a plug for Advil® ••• desk chat:
  1. weather report: 93° F, RH 39%, barometer: 30.22 ↓, wind: N 7 MPH, visibility: 10 miles

  2. Returning to Dave, we see him hunched over his desk. He doesn't seem well at all. Dave calls for "Dan," a cameraman, to come over. Oh, so that's it. Of course. Dave has two large bags of ice on his, um, lap.
••• It's time once again for the Purina® Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge (or dock diving dogs, for short). / outside cam:
Runway: 40 ft. long

Pool: 45 ft. long x 17 ft. wide x 4 ft. deep, 20,000 gallons of water, at a temperature of 58° F

Up first is David Skoletsky and his Belgian Malinois, Yeager. They're from Stoughton, Massachusetts. Yeager's dive is 21' 9".

••• outside cam:
Kathy Fardy and her field Labrador retriever, Corey, from Billerica, Massachusetts are up second. Dave begins with a discussion about ticks, then Corey turns in a jump of 24' 7".
••• Bill Maher tells a bunch of naughty jokes. He doesn't get much airtime. ••• outside cam:
The last contestants are Mike Chiasson and his black Labrador retriever, Taz. They're from Ottawa, Ontario. Taz is ready to get it done. He's tonight's winner, with a jump of 30' 6".

Two models bring out the traditional trophy.

••• Act 5 is replays of the dogs' dives. ••• Poppy Montgomery plugs Unforgettable. ••• Pokey LaFarge sings. He reminds us of Pee Wee Herman. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

Did I swipe the spelling of Mike Chiasson's name from the Wahoo Gazette? Yes, I did.

7/17/13 [3880]: Dave has tape of the beginning of the All-Star Game last night. / CNN video from Citi Field:

(Freeplay music: "Need to Know")

(voice-over): "The 2013 All-Star Game between the National League and the American League kicked off with the National Anthem." (singer)

(voice-over): "Then, of course, to honor the American League, the American Anthem."

(female singer with a horrible song): "America, America, U S A. Very, very nice, very good today. America is made of a lot of states. America, America... really great!"

(CNN logo and voice-over): "More news, after this."

••• interruption:
(Dave): "I'm sorry, Tony. What... now what?"

(Tony, with white goo on his hands): "Dios mio! It's so hot, the cue cards melted!"

(Tony, licking a hand): "They're delicious, too! How do you like that?"

(back to Dave): "Yeah, how do you like that? It's the summer. We're working with what we... now... I can't read that card, Tony."

(back to Tony): His cue card is covered with white goo.

••• The heat is really being felt this July, but the Late Show has an idea for cooling viewers. / video: "Enjoy cooling breeze now." / A table fan starts up. A balding viewer's toupee is blown right off. / "Hey!" he says. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed! Where do I buy bags for this damn thing?" / plug for Clear Scalp & Hair Beauty Therapy®. •••
Every so often, Dave believes in letting the home viewers see how the show works. How does the Late Show get audiences? / video from an audience line-up on the Broadway sidewalk: There's a light blue sign with snowflakes that says, "New York City Cooling Center / Ed Sullivan Theater." 'Nuf said!
••• Alan Kalter delivers the sponsorship announcement for the TTL:
"Tonight's Top Ten List is sponsored by Low-Read Thermometers®, the convenient way to beat the heat. When your friends are sweltering in 95° weather, your Low-Read Thermometers®, registers a cool, comfortable 75°! Ahhhhh! Low-Read Thermometers®, available wherever inaccurate meteorological instruments are sold. And now, here's Peter Marshall!"
••• [Libya's tourism minister has announced that former dictator Muammar Khaddafy's compound will be turned into an amusement park.] / Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Amusement Park / #6: Fine print on each ticket says they can harvest your organs. ••• outside cam to the Broadway sidewalk for Hose Cam®
For the first time, crowd control poles have been placed by the target manholes. We're not sure what the idea was, because pedestrians are walking on both sides. It's slim pickings at first, with no one stepping forward for the complimentary moistening. At last one enterprising young man does the right thing, and stands still on manhole #1 long enough for Dave to give him a proper shower.
•••
Brian Williams, as always, has a funny and informative visit with Dave. We learn that sometime soon, Brian will have his right knee replaced. It's been a hot mess for many years, and he's had enough. We all wish Brian well as he takes the cure. He and Dave visit about citizen's right to privacy, and the Bill of Rights.
••• "Backstage Photo Club" / Tonight's trading card features supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Santa will be at the Danbury Mall on Saturday. ••• Edward Snowden, grade school graduate and NSA whistleblower, is holed up at the Moscow Airport, and we've got him on the CBS satellite. (OK, maybe it's assistant cue card boy Todd Seda.) / Here we go:
(Dave): "Live from the Moscow Airport, here's Ed Snowden. Say hello to Ed, everybody."

(split screen)

(Ed/Todd is practicing his Russian vocabulary.)

(Dave): "Ed. Ed. Ed. Ed. It's me, Dave, I'm sorry."

(Ed/Todd): "Sorry. Russian Rosetta Stone®."

(Dave): "Sure. Yeah."

(Ed/Todd): "Wait a second. Am I on TV right now?"

(Dave): "Yes!"

(Ed/Todd): "Whoa! Cool, man! Check me out. Aloha."

(Dave): "Yeah. Now, you're, uh, you're on the run, Ed. You're seeking asylum. Do you wish you had planned your escape better before leaking sensitive information?"

(Ed/Todd): "Dude, this is my plan. I've got a part-time job at Sbarro®. I've made friends at the Admiral's Club Lounge. Life is suhweet! Although, if I'm stuck here until winter, I do worry I might get 'Snowed In.' " (laughs uproariously) " 'Snowed In.' "

(Dave): "Now, I understand that you have applied for asylum in Russia and Venezuela. Now, why Venezuela?"

(Ed/Todd): "Oh, man, I love those tasty little Venezuelan sausages!"

(Dave): "Uh, Ed, I think that you're... I think it's Vienna. I think you might be... Vienna."

(Ed/Todd): "Oh, crap! Is that where they're from?"

(Dave): "Yeah."

(Ed/Todd): "Hey, listen, Dave, if you can help me get asylum, I'll send you a bottle of duty-free wodka!"

(Dave, laughing): "Well, that's very sweet of you, but I don't drink. I haven't had anything to drink in a long time.

(Ed/Todd): "Duhhh. That's not what your NSA file says. Boom! You just got Snowdened!"

(Dave): "Uh huh. OK. Ed, I know you have to run. On the other hand, I know you don't have to run. Is there... is there anything else you'd like to say before we let you go, here?"

(Ed/Todd): "Naw, man, I've gotta get outta here. I've gotta go take a Wikileak." (laughs maniacally) "Aloha."

(Dave): "Ed Snowden, ladies and gentlemen. Ed, glad to see your career's goin' so good. We'll be right back with Court Yard Hounds, everybody."

••• Court Yard Hounds sing. / Alan Kalter says good night.

Did I swipe the spelling of Mike Chiasson's name from the Wahoo Gazette? Yes, I did.

7/18/13 [3881]: Dave has a shout out to a couple from Jersey City. ••• Every Christmas, a TV station runs 24 hours of nothing but a Yule log clip. In honor of the current hot weather, a station is running 24 hours of a window air conditioner. / video. ••• A Tennessee man is suing Apple for enabling him to access pornography, and Apple has released a response. / video:

(graphic): Apple logo

(voice-over): "In light of a recent lawsuit accusing Apple of not adequately restricting access to adult content on the Internet, Apple is introducing a new line of Macbooks, with absolutely none of the keys necessary to enter an inappropriate search. That's right: no F, X, C, B, J, O, K, L, W, P, N, I or S. And, to be extra cautious, we're also removing any suggestive-looking symbols."

(animation): %

(graphic): white Apple logo on black

••• Al-Jazeera is running a commercial for The Ayman Al-Zawahiri Sandwich Press™. / video: It's $29.95. ••• Edward Snowden, grade school graduate and NSA whistleblower, is holed up at the Moscow Airport, awaiting asylum. / "Edward Snowden's Asylum Options" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Skull Island."

(animation): A gigantic gorilla is holding Mr. Snowden with his left hand, while beating the crap out of him with his right hand.

(graphic and voice-over): "Good luck, Ed."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'll bet Liev is sick of his computer's spell check deciding his first name is 'Live.' " / plug for Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats® ••• desk chat: Dave says he went shopping this afternoon. He noticed that some of the slogans on his favorite products are changing. He tossed a few samples in the cart. Here we go:
  • Campbell's® Chunky Soup: "Don't ask what makes it chunky!"

  • Kraft® Easy Cheese: "The most depressing way to eat cheese."

  • Bic® Wite•Out: "You no longer need this product."

  • Hunt's® Manwich Thick & Chunky Sloppy Joe Sauce: "You don't have to be gay to enjoy it!"

  • generic dental floss: "So your houseguests will think you floss."

  • Band-Aids®: "Here you go, Bleedy."

  • Hungry-Man® dinners: "Also known as Lonely-Man®."

  • Johnson & Johnson® Rolled Gauze: "Sometimes, one Johnson isn't enough."

  • Morton® Iodized Salt: "the only salt anyone's heard of, so kiss our ass®"
••• [Scientists in the U.K. have cooked up a mobile phone that can be recharged with urine.] / Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying a Urine-Powered Cell Phone / clip: Bear Grylls drinking his urine ••• Liev Schreiber plugs Ray Donovan. ••• desk chat: We see Dave's coffee cup geyser. What a mess! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Words of Wisdom": "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice, and extremely important." ••• Adam Newman does stand-up. He's a fan of Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo... just so you know. ••• Cold War Kids sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/19/13: REPEAT FROM 6/27/13

7/22/13 [3882]: Dave calls for a replay of his run across the stage. He beat the opening montage, so it didn't air. ••• The British royal baby was born this afternoon. / animation: Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, smoking on a balcony of Buckingham Palace (x2) ••• "CNN: The Most Trusted Name in News" / video:

(title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

(Brazilian rain forest scene and split-screen interview)

(CNN host): "You know, extinctions, I don't have to tell you, have been part of the natural history of the world for millennia. Um... and, um... manmade extinctions have even happened before. I guess we even hunted the dildo into extinction. But..."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Pat Farmer shows up at Dave's mark.
(Pat): "Hi, Dave."

(Dave): "It's impossible to get your hand on one these days. They're extinct! Oh, hi, Pat. How're ya doin'?"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave. Dave, I've gotta say... you've lost a lot of weight."

(Dave): "Yeah, well, you don't have to say it, but thank you."

(Pat): "I mean, really... a lot of weight. For a while, Dave, you were lookin' huge!"

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. Pat, as I point out frequently, we're right in the middle of a show. Is there something I can help you with here?"

(Pat): "Dave, did you notice that that movie, R.I.P.D., tanked at the box office?"

(Dave): "There was a movie called R.I.P.D., and it was about cops who come back from the dead to fight crime, and I guess it did not do well at the box office. Yeah, I did... I did see that."

(Pat): "You might say it was dead on arrival, Dave."

(Dave, laughing)

(Pat): "Get it?"

(Dave): "Yeah. Yeah."

(Pat): "It's about dead people."

(Dave): "The movie... yeah."

(Pat): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Right."

(Pat): "Yeah. Let's see if we can think of another one."

(Dave): "I'd love to, Pat, but we really kinda have to get on with the show."

(Pat): "I've got one, Dave."

(Dave): "Alright."

(Pat): "R.I.P.D.O.A."

(Dave, smiling): "Get out. Just get out of here!"

(Pat hugs Dave): "Catch you later, Dave."

•••
(FX: We hear Dave's text message alert.) He shudders when he sees a naked picture of Geraldo.

(Dave): "It's Geraldo. How many of you got a naked picture of Geraldo Rivera on your phone?" (turning to his right) "You've got it with you, Tom?"

••• Dave has a late audience shout out to Jane from Sonoma Valley, California. ••• Pope Francis is on his first foreign trip, to Brazil. / animation: We see him running on the beach, in swimming suit and Pope hat. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Wyoming... Would it kill you to show us what's in that corner of Utah you're covering up?" / plug for Franz Ferdinand on iTunes ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave congratulates Jerry Foley for his Emmy nomination last week for Best Directing, Variety Show. It's Jerry's 12th nomination!

  2. Dave has a rant about the British royal baby, born earlier today. The Queen is as old as you can get. Dave quizzes Paul about the royal succession. "Why doesn't the old lady step aside?" Apparently Bill Scheft is up-to-speed on all this nonsense. He has an Ivy League education, after all. Dave says, "The seeds of sinisterism may be sown here, and the royal baby now grows up to be evil, vicious king! Evil, vicious king baby, and tries to take away our freedom!"
••• "Seriously?" / video:
(title graphic and goofy theme music)

(clip from a French distillery, where Gran Patron Burdeos tequila is made): This stuff is $555 per bottle.

(It sounds like an episode of How It's Made.)

(voice-over): "The master distiller personally approves each batch."

(clip of a middle-aged distiller, with crazy, thick hair and a huge nose, smelling the concoction)

(voice-over): "He checks the color, inhales the aroma. He also takes a little sip."

(title graphic)

(Dave): "Let's take another look. Everything I'm worth... everything Paul's worth... if that is real hair."

••• TTL montage, with a plug for East End Easels by Alan Kalter.
(Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten List is sponsored by East End Easels. For over 200 years, East End Easels has been the official purveyor of easels to the Royal Family. Hand-crafted by skilled artisans, East End Easels are the only easels Her Majesty trusts for displaying important notices! This week only... mention the promotion code "Royal Baby" and get 10% off any easel! East End Easels: 'We're in the bloody phone book!' Back to you, guv'nor."
••• Dave gets sidetracked with another visit with Bill Scheft about royal succession. ••• photo: a semi-naked photo text-messaged by Geraldo Rivera the other day / Top Ten Things Going Through People's Minds Upon Seeing the Geraldo Photo ••• Cate Blanchett plugs her movie, Blue Jasmine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: a plug for Franz Ferdinand's webcast ••• Aisha Tyler plugs The Talk, and her book, Self-Inflicted Wounds. ••• Franz Ferdinand sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Franz Ferdinand live webcast at 8 ET]

7/23/13 [3883]: The big story this week is the birth of the British royal baby, born yesterday. You think that's a story? / Photoshop fun: The 87-year-old Queen Elizabeth II is knocked-up! ••• Major League Baseball is sorting through a Major League Performance-Enhancing Drugs scandal. Here's a report. / video:

(clip): a Milwaukee Brewers game

(voice-over): "Today Major League Baseball suspended former MVP Ryan Braun for using performance-enhancing drugs, doing our part to eliminate misconduct. Now the only remaining transgressions among our athletes are..." (photos of the accused players) "...drunk driving, drugs, drugs, reckless driving, trespassing, drunk driving, drunk driving, drunk driving and shoplifting from Macy's."

(graphic): MLB logo

(voice-over): "Major League Baseball: The Sport of Champions."

••• Pope Francis dances shirtless in Rio de Janeiro. / video ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Why does the guy in the truck make me buy the whole Popsicle? I just want a flat wooden stick!" / a plug for Iams® pet food ••• desk chat:
The royal baby story is enormous, but Dave has another point of view on the historic occasion. "These are the oppressive thugs from whom we tried to break away and start our own nation... and we were more than successful... and the baby could grow up to be an evil, despotic king baby... could be an evil despot, this baby right now that everybody, 'whoop-tee-do, whoop-tee-do.' And then there's an office pool about the name, and I, of course, had Plaxico."
•••
In spite of Dave's worries about our nation's future, he wants us to have the facts. He's contacted CBS News in London. Live via satellite is legendary correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones, with every fascinating, yet incomprehensible, detail about the royal birth of Baby Despot. Graham's thick British accent, combined with his excitement about the event, leaves us struggling to understand his brand of English. We did manage to pick up codswallop and mince pies before he finished babbling. Try to understand him yourself. (video)
••• [Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress on June 21, 2011, after the world learned that he'd text-messaged a photo of his deal to a lady. It was revealed today that he continued his infidelities long after, using the name Carlos Danger. His long-suffering wife is sticking by him, for some unknown reason.] / Top Ten Other Anthony Weiner Pseudonyms / #9: Peter Tweeter, #7: Perv Griffin, and #6: James Wand ••• Hugh Jackman plugs Wolverine. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Lisa Kudrow plugs Web Therapy. ••• Jason Isbell sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/24/13 [3884]: It was a fine episode. Let's get right to it, shall we? •••

(me): Internet playboy Anthony Weiner is really going to get it tonight. Dave begins the festivities by announcing that we have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through. Dave:
"So Anthony Weiner apologized again, and he said that he is 'ready to move on,' and yeah, take it from me, it's just... that... easy."
The NYC mayoral candidate goes by Carlos Danger for his high-tech indiscretions. The Late Show and the CBSO has recorded a little theme song for him: "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" (x2) Watch for it at the Grammy Awards.
••• "Anthony Weiner Update" / video:
(title graphic)

(Weiner): "It's getting harder and harder..."

(title graphic)

••• Major League Baseball is dealing with suspicion of players using performance-enhancing substances. Some may have come from a clinic in Miami. A-Rod could get himself banned. / "Get to Know the Biogenesis Anti-Aging Clinic" / Special Report:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Biogenesis of America was a short-lived business in Coral Gables, Florida. Before closing in late 2012, the company is alleged to have supplied illegal anti-aging and performance-enhancing drugs to professional ballplayers. Key personnel of the anti-aging clinic include founder Anthony Bosch, 49,..."

(photo of an 11-year-old boy)

(voice-over): "...and marketing director-turned-whistle-blower Porter Fischer, 48..."

(photo of another 11-year-old boy)

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know the Biogenesis Anti-Aging Clinic.' "

(title graphic)

••• The Weiner/Danger campaign committee has put together a focus group to find out how the campaign is surviving the scandal. CNN has coverage. / doctored video from Charleston, South Carolina:
(graphic): "Anthony Weiner Focus Group / Frank Luntz, pollster"

(Luntz): "Let's hear from some average Americans. Show of hands... how many of you received a lewd message from Anthony Weiner?"

(Most raise their hands.)

(Luntz): "That... is... amazing! How many of you wanted to receive a lewd message from Anthony Weiner?"

(One hand goes up.)

(Luntz): "One of you."

(animated graphic): CNN logo

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Belated Condolences: Sorry you're no longer a planet, Pluto." ••• "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" ••• desk chat: Anthony Weiner doesn't get the whole show. Let's check in with Edward Snowden, who's been holed up in the Moscow Airport for about two months. (OK, maybe it's assistant cue card boy Todd Seda.) / split screen interview:
(Dave): "Turn on the satellite again, ladies and gentlemen. Say hello to Edward Snowden, live from the Moscow Airport. There he is. Ed Snowden! Hey, Ed, good to see you."

(Edward/Todd, gnawing on a giant pretzel): "Oh, man, sorry. Just took a bite of pretzel."

(Dave): "That's alright. Go ahead. Take your time. Don't worry about it."

(Edward/Todd swallows, then): "Hey Dave, You know the Russian word for pretzel?"

(Dave): "No."

(Edward/Todd): "Me neither! Hey man, check it out! I've got a babushka!"

(me): He's actually wearing a ushanka.

(Dave): "Well, that's funny. I noticed the hat you're... Where'd you get that hat?"

(Edward/Todd): "Oh, this guy said I could have it if I let him borrow my computer. I said, 'N... S... A... OK!' (laughing his ass off) Babushka!"

(Dave): "But... uh... Ed, that's not... strictly speaking, that's not a babushka."

(Edward/Todd): "Babushka!"

(Dave, smiling): "Yeah. Well, now, the U.S. government is saying that the information that you stole from the NSA is not as vital as originally feared. Do you have any second thoughts about what you've done, Ed?"

(Edward/Todd): "Naw, I had information to leak, and it was only a matter of time until I felt the world was ready to take... that... leak."

(audience): laughing

(Dave): "OK, good. Now, Ed, if you're granted asylum, do you plan to stay in Russia, get a job and build a new life? Will the U.S. government allow your family to visit you?"

(Edward/Todd adjusts his glasses, looking across the way, ignoring Dave.)

(Dave): "Edward?"

(Edward/Todd): "Oh, sorry, Dave. Smokin' Aeroflot flight attendant just walked by. I'd wiretap that!" (laughs his ass off) "Babushka!"

(Dave): "OK, that's great. Edward Snowden, ladies and gentlemen."

(Edward/Todd, to the flight attendant): "Hey, Svetlana, where you Russian off to?"

(Dave): "OK, there you are. Do svidanya, Edward."

(Dave, to Paul): "He seems like a nice kid, doesn't he?"

(Paul): "He seems lovely, yeah."

(Dave): "Maybe we should have that thing on his neck looked at."

••• Top Ten British Expressions for Giving Birth / Ye Olde Top Ten logo ••• ("Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love") ••• Shannon Eis with Summer Toys
  1. WL Toys Bubble Helicopter / $30 / The CBSO plays the Lawrence Welk Show theme song.

  2. Flutterbye Flying Fairy by Spin Master / $50

  3. Zoomer, a voice-command dalmation, by Spinmaster / $100

  4. Big Squirt Water Toy / $6

  5. thinkgeek Aquapod Pop Bottle Rocket Launcher / $30

  6. Razor Crazy Cart electric mini-go cart / $399.99
••• desk chat: Dave shows a package with his Rusty Can toy. ••• Jason Sudeikis plugs We're the Millers, and tells about his basketball career at Ft. Scott Community College. ••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club": Sherman Grossman, Late Show staff monkey ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay with us for the incredible true story of an overdue library book that traveled over 200 miles to turn itself in." ••• more Jason Sudeikis ••• Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/25/13 [3885]: NASA's Cassini spacecraft is near Saturn. On July 19, it took photos of earth from 900,000,000 miles away. / video:

(photo): earth, seen from Saturn's rings

(voice-over): "NASA is gratified by the positive response to the photo of earth from 900,000,000 miles away. This justifies last year's $54,000,000,000 mission to deploy a giant arrow pointing to earth."

(photo): an earth-sized white arrow next to earth

(NASA logo, text and voice-over): "NASA: Like the post office in space."

••• Tonight we continue recognizing resigned-in-disgrace former Congressman Anthony Weiner's accomplishments in high-tech porn, using the pseudonym he chose for himself. "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" (x2) ••• Weiner's misdeeds shouldn't have come as a surprise. Have a look at this Mexican soap opera. / video:
(opening theme song, with Mexican guitar)

(graphics): actors' photos and names: Adela Noriega / Eduardo Yáñez / y La Introduccion Anthony Weiner / Como "Carlos Danger" / "Fuego on la Sangré"

••• Dave: "What the guy does is he sends out obscene photos of himself to voters, and I just think, 'Well, that's... I mean, that's junk mail, right?' " ••• "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" ••• Here's a new feature: The CBSO has "Royal Baby: Heir to the Throne," in the same style as "Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love." ••• A report came out this week suggesting that dolphins have names for each other. / video:
(cutesy title graphic and peppy theme song)

(clip): dolphins playing

(female voice-over): "Scientists studying sounds made by dolphins have determined that certain distinct whistles are, in fact, dolpins' names for other dolphins. Also, other cries have meanings, such as 'What are you doing up so late?' or 'Do you think I'm hot?' "

(photo): Anthony Weiner

(male voice-over and Chyron text): "Anthony Weiner acknowledges having had inappropriate conversations with various marine mammals, including dolphins. He regrets these transgressions which are now behind him."

(photo): Anthony Weiner in front of a New York City scene

(male voice-over): "Carlos Danger: The right choice for mayor."

••• "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "It's like soothing gel insoles for the feet of your mind!" / plug for Kia Cadenza ••• "Charts and Graphs" /
How many times have late night hosts thought about Scott Pelley naked?
  0% Jimmy Kimmel   0% Fallon   0% Letterman   0% Leno   0% Ferguson
  Wait a minute. The bar representing Letterman starts popping up to 1 and back down, over and over.

What's your opinion of Edward Snowden?
  51% He's a traitor.   48% He's a hero.   1% He better pick up his dry-cleaning soon or we're throwing it out.

Effects of heat on the human body
  85° profuse sweating   95° dehydration   105° fatigue   115° impaired ability to illustrate graphs
  (linear graph becomes a squiggle)

Obesity levels among Americans
  14% underweight   36% overweight   26% appropriate weight   24% tried to eat the chart (large hole gnawed out)

Why do you follow the Pope on Twitter?
  35% to read his comforting words during hardships   24% to see if he's travelling to my country   21% to read the      his dad says

People most upset by Anthony Weiner's scandal
  52% his family   47% his supporters   1% guys named Carlos Danger / "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love"

••• Anthony Weiner and Huma, his long-suffering wife, had a press conference earlier this week to discuss new allegations. / Top Ten Bad Press Conference Opening Lines / #2: "I thought I said no fat chicks." ••• Regis Philbin plugs his new sports show on Fox. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Batman and Superman are joining forces in a new movie. Here's building engineer George Clarke in "BAT-SUPER." / video:
(action scenes)

(movie trailer voice-over): "You loved The Dark Knight. You loved Man of Steel. Now these two superheroes become one, in an explosive, blockbuster event. Batman and Superman are now BAT-SUPER."

(George in a Batman outfit): "I'm here to fix your sink."

(voice-over): "BAT-SUPER. Coming soon."

••• ventriloquist Terry Fator ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/26/13: REPEAT FROM 7/15/13

7/29/13 [3886]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Detroit, formerly from Saginaw. ••• This is how bad things have gotten: "President Obama: Desperate?" / video:

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(Barack Obama, giving a speech): "What are your ideas?"

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• We now turn our attention to NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. / "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" (x2) / Well, it's not necessarily the first time a mayor has misbehaved. / We have a look at film of Fiorello LaGuardia from 1938. / video:
(Universal Newsreel, New York, New York)

(graphic): "Mayor LaGuardia Presents Special Gift to Nurses, November 9, 1938"

(clip of LaGuardia with nurses, and bogus voice-over): "I, Fiorello LaGuardia, do hereby affix my signature and present to you, an autographed photo of my     . Call me if you wanna get wild."

••• Pope Francis has been in Brazil, and people love him. He said he wouldn't judge anyone who is gay. / CNN video: We see bishops dancing to Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Guess what I did over the weekend. I finally switched to the metric system... and it's fantastic!" / plug for DIRECTV ••• desk chat:
Dave has a rant about the feud between Time Warner's cable TV branch and CBS. Time Warner's threatening to pull CBS programming if they can't get some money out of CBS. He begins by saying, "They think I'm just a duck, here in a suit... just some kind of automatonic, non-carbon-based life form... They think I'm just a goon!... 'He doesn't care, he's a goon!' "

Anyway, there's a big dispute over money, and CBS is running this:

"Time is running out, and Time Warner Cable is not listening, and that means very soon you will not see your favorite CBS shows. No Under the Dome, no Big Brother, no NCIS, no Big Bang Theory, no NFL or PGA championship or U.S. Open tennis. No Judge Judy. No CBS2 News. No 60 Minutes. Say NO to Time Warner Cable." Call 1-888-TW-CABLE and tell them you want to keep CBS2."
••• "Small Town News" /
  • The Bay Beacon, Niceville, Florida: picture caption of two girls jumping in the ocean: "Here Comes the Sun" / headline to the right of the fun picture: "58,000 gallons of sewage spills into bayou"

  • The Westerly News, Ucluelet, British Columbia: POLICE REPORT: "RCMP received a report alleging high-pitched screams were coming from inside a residence... Police arrived at the location and a woman inside the residence advised she had been singing."

  • The Buffalo News, Buffalo, New York: POLICE REPORT: "A thief walked into the 7-Eleven store... and heisted 29 boxes of condoms, along with two packages of bacon... The culprit wore a white, striped polo shirt, white sneakers, a blue ball cap and a smile on his face."

  • The Tucson Weekly, Tucson, Arizona: POLICE DISPATCH: "An intoxicated man on the streets hopped up and down in front of a deputy and then became hoity-toity with him when arrested."

  • The Des Moines Register, Des Moines, Iowa: AD: "50% Authentic Indian Cuisine"

  • The Flathead Beacon, Kalispell, Montana: POLICE BLOTTER: "Reportedly, a small bald man on Mountain Meadow Road was screaming at another man who was attempting to tell him what to do." (Jerry Foley cuts to Paul Shaffer.)

  • The Madison County Record, Hunstville, Arkansas: SHERIFF'S OFFICE: "A caller at Edgewood Place reported that there were two dogs in her yard "stuck together."

••• Dave has a mini-rant about Anthony Weiner: "We don't need a mayor with a nickname. (Carlos Danger) ••• Top Ten Things Anthony Weiner Hears on the Campaign Trail (with an MSNBC clip about a John Lindsay indiscretion) ••• Denzel Washington plugs 2 Guns. Dave asks Denzel if he would like to be his famous friend. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Anyone else having trouble with the vertical hold on their microwave oven?" ••• "Backstage Photo Club": Mark Erbaugh and Jason Kirschner, art director and production designer ••• interruption: "Come on, Everybody," with Alan Kalter / (Alan tries to keep the audience applauding.) ••• James McCartney sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/30/13 [3887]: Pope Francis was a big hit in South America. Three million came to see him. After that, he got to relax on the beach at Rio. / video: We see him running by the water, nekkid butt blurred out, wearing an oversized Pope hat. ••• Right on cue, Pat Farmer shows up unexpectedly by Dave.

(Pat): "Hi, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, Pat Farmer, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Pat. How are you?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave."

(Dave): "Good to see you."

(Pat): "Whatcha up to?"

(Dave): "Uh... well, nothin', really? Is there somethin' I could help you with?"

(Pat): "Yeah, Dave. I heard Oprah's gonna be on the show Thursday?"

(Dave): "Yeah. That's right. Thursday. We're very excited about it."

(Pat): "As you know, Dave, I'm a huge Oprah fan."

(Dave): "Oh, I didn't know that."

(Pat): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Big Oprah fan?"

(Pat): "I am, Dave, but unfortunately Thursday, I can't come to work. My kid's in a play..."

(Dave): "Oh, well, that's..."

(Pat): "Uh, is there any chance Oprah would reschedule?"

(Dave): "Uh, well, what day would be convenient for you? Let's start... let's start there. When... when would be better?"

(Pat): "Lemme see. Next week, Dave... Monday's bad. Tuesday is a nightmare. Uh, could she make Wednesday?"

(Dave): "Well, I'll make some calls."

(Pat, turning to leave): "Thank you, Dave. Thanks a lot."

(Dave): "Sure. Yeah. 'Tuesday's a nightmare.' "

(Paul): "I heard."

(Dave): "Pat Farmer."

••• Public displays of affection are illegal in Russia. Here's "A Visitor's Guide to Russia." / video:
(title graphic and Russian music)

(graphic, photo and voice-over): "Illegal:Two consenting adults of the same sex expressing affection in public."

(graphic, photo and voice-over: "Legal: Making out with a fish."

(clip and easy-listening porno music): President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, in camo, kissing a huge fish he just caught.

(Russian text with English translation): ("Good night, everybody!")

••• Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He wasn't born in the United States. He was born on Skull Island. / clip: King Kong, or one of his cousins, tearing up the place ••• "Didn't See That Coming" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): ABC6 newsman: "Anthony Weiner's campaign is in freefall."

(title graphic)

••• "A Day in the Life of a New York Post Headline Writer" / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): Michael Z. McIntee, as a New York Post headline writer, arrives in his office.

(voice-over): "9:00 AM. Arrive at work."

(Mike turns on the desk lamp and types the following headline): "WEINER CAN'T STAY UP"

(Mike turns off the desk lamp and gets up to leave.)

(voice-over): "9:01 AM. Go home."

(title graphic and voice-over): "Thanks for watching 'A Day in the Life of a New York Post Headline Writer.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Consumer Fraud Alert": "Do not fall for scams." / plug for Red Lobster® ••• desk chat:
  1. Paul's wearing a horizontal-striped coat.
    Dave says, "By the way, I spoke to the warden."
    Paul: "Well he threw a party at the county jail. Prison band was there, and they all began to wail. Drummer boy from Illinois went crash, boom, bang. The whole rhythm section, purple gang. Let's rock, everybody, let's rock."

  2. Dave calls on CBS News Chief Political Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones for the latest on the Anthony Weiner campaign. (split screen satellite hook-up) Unfortunately, Mr. Fenwick-Jones speaks British, not American, and we can only understand about every 15th word he says. Nice try, Graham! Whatever he said, he sure said it with enthusiam. (I did hear Graham say "pork sword" at one point.)
••• Speaking of the British, scientists there have cooked up a test tube hamburger. it's a gray, greasy-looking thing. / Top Ten Other Food Breakthroughs ••• Bryan Cranston plugs AMC's Breaking Bad. •••
The beautiful Amanda Seyfried plugs Lovelace, a bio about porn star Linda Lovelace. She's taking her dad to a premiere tonight, to cover his eyes during the naked parts. Amanda has become a Top Five favorite guest of mine. I loved her December 2012 interview, when she told us all about being a pathological liar as a young girl, and she and Dave knocked back some firewater.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "After the show, check our website for discussion topics you can talk about with members of your TV club!" ••• more Amanda Seyfried:
In the spirit of Bill Murray and Bruce Willis, Amanda comes with material. Joining her onstage is her Australian shepherd, Finn. Amanda carefully places a hamburger on his head, making him hold still for the photo ops before he gets to drop it and cash in on the tasty treat. It brings to mind a Stupid Pet Trick (from 2/19/87, I believe), when a little doggie had to sit still with a dog biscuit on its nose. Ted Koppel did the same trick on 2/23/87. Dave will try the hamburger trick before the segment's over. (photo) (video) Come on, Dave. Amanda only got 10 minutes! We can follow Finn on Twitter, by the way.
••• Michael Franti and Spearhead ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

7/31/13 [3888]: monologue:

(Dave): "Welcome to the show. I am Dave Letterman. I am no longer the biggest embarrassment in New York City. Thank you!"
••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Orange County somewhere. ••• monologue:
Dave gets into a drawn-out joke about NYC subways. He misses a point along the way, and asks Tony for a cue card rewind, then finishes the joke. Dave sees that Tony's distracted, and asks what's going on. Tony says, "The last joke was so bad, I'm returning it and getting our money back." He folds the cue card and stuffs it in a FedEx box.
••• Abe's statue at the Lincoln Memorial was splashed with some green paint last week. Naturally, security has been tightened, but Abe's pretty much taking care of himself. / animation: A ne'er-do-well is standing at the base of the statue, getting ready to mess it up. Suddenly Abe's frog-like tongue snaps out and grabs the dude, and Abe has a fine meal. ••• The British test tube hamburger is a big topic this week, so what better time for the Late Show's "Modified Meat Roundup?" / video:
(title graphic and banjo music)

(voice-over, with photos): "Test tube hamburgers. Genetically engineered salmon. Alex Rodriguez."

(title graphic and voice-over): " 'Modified Meat Roundup' is made possible by an endowment from the National Endowment for the Arts."

••• Anthony Weiner hasn't seen the writing on the wall yet. He has a new campaign commercial. We watch. / video:
(Weiner): "Other politicians that say, 'Boy, I wish that guy Weiner would quit.' You don't know New York. Surely you don't know me."

(FX): text message alert

(Weiner): " 'Quit' isn't the way we roll in New York City."

(incoming text message): "Carlos, I miss you!"

(Weiner, to the camera): "We fight through tough things. We are a tough city."

(outgoing text message): "doing a commercial, text you my deal in a sec"

(Weiner, to the camera): "That's what this campaign is about, and I'll never forget that."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "When woodpeckers hear people giggling about their name, they think, 'Grow up.' " / "the Late Show, sponsored by Chevrolet"

••• desk chat:

New York City no longer allows gentlemen's clubs to advertise with signs on city cabs, but it's always fun to find a loophole. / outside cam: A dancer is working on a pole that's mounted on top of a passing cab. Take that, New York City! (Hey... just because I can, here's a flyer I found on Broadway during DaveCon 2008.)

•••

OK... enough about strippers. Back to Anthony Weiner. His therapist, Dr. Greenblatts, said to Anthony, "Look, you've got to get your mind off your thing. Take your camera, your cell phone camera that you've been using, that's gotten you in so much trouble... now as therapy, just go out and walk around the city and get your mind off of this. Take photographs of other things."

(me): No! Not "other things!" What is Dr. Greenblatts thinking? Photographs of things is the problem. Tell him to photograph other junk. Oh, I give up.

••• Top Ten Other Photos Anthony Weiner Has Tweeted. / #10: a kitty / #8: a cumuloerectus cloud / #7: a building (kind of a tower, with sort of a dome on top) / #6: a rock formation (kind of a giant stalagmite) / #3: a cactus (I think you call it a prickly pear.) / CBSO: "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love ••• Matt Damon plugs Elyseum. He's about to move to Los Angeles, so his kids can hang out with other celebrities' kids. ••• Alan Kalter plugs the Late Show web site. ••• more Matt Damon ••• "Backstage Photo Club": Steve Hostomsky, video editor ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and a plug for Paul Rudd's new magazine, P. ••• We're privileged to have another split-screen interview with NSA whistle blower Edward Snowden, who's been holed up at Moscow's Sheremetevo Airport since June 23. (OK, it's Todd Seda.) The exchange goes something like this:
(Dave): "Hi, Edward."

(Edward/Todd): "Dave."

(Dave): "Good to see you, buddy. You're lookin' good. It's nice to see you again. Thank you very much for joining us, Edward."

(Edward/Todd): "Thanks, Dave. Dave... Dave... Listen. Before we get started, I just wanted to give a quick shout out to my whistle-blower homeboy, Bradley Manning. Nailed it, Brad!" (blows whistle)

(Dave): "OK, that's good. OK, that's fun. Now, you're referring to Pvt. Bradley Manning. He was found not guilty of aiding the enemy, although you know, Edward, the guy is still gonna do, probably, over 100 years in prison. So how about that?"

(Edward/Todd, serious now): "Are you kidding me?"

(Dave): "No!"

(Edward/Todd): "Dude... you just whistle-blew my mind." (blows whistle)

(Dave): "Now, uh, Edward, are you concerned about being extradited or even apprehended, or arrested?"

(Edward/Todd): "Look, man, everything's cool. I'm not worried about the law. First of all, I'm in Russia. Who's gonna arrest me here? Dolph Lundgren?"

(Dave): "Right..."

(Edward/Todd): " 'Duh... I must break you.' " (blows whistle)

(Dave): "OK. Alright. Now, hey, that's fun. Where did you... where did you get the whistle, Edward?"

(Edward/Todd): "Aw, it's a freebie from WikiLeaks."

(Dave): "That's nice. It's a cute idea. It's been a while since you applied for asylum in Russia. What more do they need from you? What is required now before that they let you into the country? Anything you can answer here?"

(Edward/Todd): "Oh, there's a background check, and some medical tests. I think they want to have this thing..." (points to the mole on his neck) "...this thing on my neck... looked at, and stuff like that. I don't know."

(Dave, laughing): "Well, it can't hurt to have that thing looked at. Do you have a sense of where you'd like to live in Russia? Uh, Edward? Edward? Edward!"

(Edward/Todd): "Oh, sorry, Dave. Burger King's about to close, and I'm dyin' for a Bopper."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Edward/Todd): "Hey! Bopper! Bopper!" (blows whistle several times)

(Dave): "OK. Alright. There he goes. Edward Snowden, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back with Hanni El Khatib, everybody."

••• Hanni El Khatib sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/01/13 [3889]: Earlier this week, Pope Francis informed Brazilians that he doesn't judge gay people. Here he is with another message. / video:

(Pope Francis... well, OK, a voice-over): "What's wrong with a person being a homosexual? How is this any of your business? If you're a homosexual, don't be ashamed of it. I'm sick and tired of people making fun of it. If you're a homosexual, be proud! To me, they're the proudest people. You ever see how proud they are?" (laughs) "Soon as they get together, a parade starts! A parade!"

(clip): a stand-up comedy audience laughing

••• monologue:
"Here's an idea about how quickly time goes by. You know what happened while you were comin'? Lindsay Lohan got out of rehab. She's been in rehab for three... at least three months, ladies and gentlemen. And she wants to move to New York City. What... could... possibly... go... wrong? What could...? Gentlemen, start your blenders! Here we go! Authorities are advising citizens to stay indoors. Lindsay Lohan has been in rehab... this was her sixth visit. You know what that means? The next one's free!"
••• Scientists are making test tube meat. / video:
(photo): lab research

(voice-over): "Scientists in Holland have created meat grown in a laboratory. This test tube meat is said to be gray in color, with a slippery texture, similar to squid or scallops."

(photo): a Steak-umm® package

(voice-over): "We've been doing this for years."

(Bill DeLace voice-over): "Available at Pathmark."

••• "Carlos Danger: Gaucho of Love" ••• Anthony Weiner's not doing well in the New York City mayoral race poll. / Here's some doctored CNN footage:
(clip): Weiner on the campaign trail, meeting citizens

(voice-over): "Once in first place for the New York City mayoral race, Anthony Weiner is now polling behind Speaker Christine Quinn (27%), Bill De Blasio (22%), Bill Thompson (20%), professional bowler Wayne Webb (9%), Rico Rodriguez (8%), deposed Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak (4.2%), the late Jack Klugman (3.7%), balloon dad (.95%), the mop bucket into which Justin Bieber urinated (.45%), Paula Deen (.45%) and Carlos Danger (.2%)."

(photo): Weiner, as Carlos, in a fake mustache

(graphic): CNN logo

(voice-over): "More news, after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Can anyone change a hundred watt light bulb for two twenties and a sixty?" / a plug for T-Mobile™ ••• Top Ten Things Overhead at the Naked Body Painting on Broadway / #1: "Mom?" •••
Oprah Winfrey visits with Dave for 27+ minutes. The two legendary broadcasters discuss Oprah's new film, Lee Daniels' The Butler, along with Oprah's school for girls in Africa, and they compare notes on meditation. (video)
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Paul Rudd plugs Prince Avalanche. There isn't much time left for him, but he's a good sport about it. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/02/13: REPEAT FROM 7/23/13

8/05/13: REPEAT FROM 6/25/13

8/06/13: REPEAT FROM 7/10/13

8/07/13: REPEAT FROM 4/09/13

8/08/13: REPEAT FROM 6/26/13

8/09/13: REPEAT FROM 7/11/13

8/12/13: REPEAT FROM 7/16/13

8/13/13: REPEAT FROM 7/31/13

8/14/13: REPEAT FROM 7/24/13

8/15/13: REPEAT FROM 4/25/13

8/16/13: REPEAT FROM 7/08/13

8/19/13 [3890]: [The writers have been on vacation for 18 days, so there isn't quite as much video comedy in the can for this first day back. We'll see a lot more of Dave in extended desk chats, which are awesome.] ••• A wise guy Red Sox pitcher hit Alex Rodriguez yesterday. / "Alex Rodriguez Gettin' It Done" / video:

OK. First, here's something I need to vent about. I have Shazam™ on my iPhone. I wanted to know what the classical music was in this video. How on earth does Shazam know it's coming from the Late Show? There must be a subaudible signal that Shazam picks up. Anyway, I've heard that piece before, but may never know what it is.

(title graphic and mystery music)

(clips): Alex, in the dugout, spits out lots and lots of sunflower seed shells to whatever waltz or ballet was playing.

(title graphic)

••• "Senator Dick Durbin Setting a Good Example" / video:
(title graphic and rock music)

(C-SPAN clip of the Senator): "I take a multivitamin every day..."

(Chyron): "DO IT LIKE THE DURB!"

(title graphic and rock music)

••• Oprah's movie, The Butler, led the box office over the weekend. Also, she scored an interview with the newly-released Lindsay Lohan. / We see Oprah on the cover of O, in a gigantic Afro wig. (I thought this was Late Show Photoshop fun, but it's an actual cover of the August O.) ••• President Obama is on vacation again. / "Presidential Vacations Throughout the Years" / video:
(title graphic and cheery music)

We'll see a series of clips from history.

2013: Barack and Michelle on bikes in Martha's Vineyard

1946: a shirtless Harry Truman in Bermuda

1863: Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln on vacation at the Juniper Woods Naturist Club: Abe's wearing a stovepipe hat, and he and Mary Todd are sporting censor's circles over their junk.

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Cheesecake Factory worker safety is enforced by Cheesecake OSHA." / a plug for Dodge Darts ••• desk chat:
  1. Dave gets sidetracked with a rant about Time Warner Cable, who currently have CBS blacked out in New York.

  2. desk rant: There is no Amish Mafia, therefore there can't be a show about Amish Mafia. They're not gonna do a show that they can't watch. The Amish are more likely to have their own space program than to have their very own Mafia. "Put away the thresher, Pa. Here comes the Mafia."

  3. Now back to Time Warner Cable: Dave refers to the "evil goons at Time Warner." He says, "I wish I knew more about them, so I could say more unpleasant things about them."

  4. Then Dave takes on HBO's 1996 offering, The Late Shift. It covered c. 1992, when Jay Leno was up to his tricks to get the Tonight Show. Dave's been on color television for 16 years, and they give John Michael Higgins, the guy playing Dave, a red wig! (You know John Michael Higgins from the 2012 hit, Pitch Perfect.) "We don't need no HBO." Jerry Foley opens the TTL montage, then Dave goes back to his rant, complaining about being shown throwing softballs at an archery target in his back yard. "It's like I'm at a county fair!"
••• re A-Rod getting hit by a pitch yesterday: Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Alex Rodriguez's Mind at This Moment / from 3/31/08: a clip of a shirtless Biff Henderson rubbing down a shirtless A-Rod ••• another desk chat: There's a show about a couple who are walking across Africa naked. Dave: "The only way you could get me to watch that show is if they're both eaten by lions." ••• Olivia Wilde plugs Drinking Buddies. ••• desk chat: Dave asks Paul if any couple has ever successfully walked across the continent of Africa. Paul claims that Will and Victoria walked across Africa just the other day. He says he just put some aloe on 'em afterward. ••• Lee Daniels of The Butler is already working on his next movie. / video:
(clips and voice-over): "From acclaimed producer Lee Daniels, who brought you Lee Daniels' The Butler, comes a new film, chronicling the vibrant career of filmmaker Lee Daniels. Lee Daniels stars as Lee Daniels in Lee Daniels': The Lee Daniels Story, a Lee Daniels Film. Coming soon."
••• "Backstage Photo Club": Associate Director Jessica Santini ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dean Norris plugs Breaking Bad and Under the Dome. ••• John Mayer sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [John Mayer did a Live on Letterman webcast at 8 ET.] ••• [Neil Jason was in for Will Lee.]

8/20/13 [3891]: Dick Van Dyke was motoring around Los Angeles in his Jaguar, and it caught on fire. / simulation, courtesy of CBS News:

We see Dick in his cartoon car, and hear the Dick Van Dyke Show theme song. Just at the point in the song when Dick trips on the stairs, the vehicle bursts into flames. We're being told he's OK, but the Jaguar's toast.
••• Here's the second installment of "Senator Dick Durbin Setting a Good Example." / video:
(title graphic and rock music)

(C-SPAN clip of the Senator): "As I've said and will repeatedly, I take my fish oil..."

(Chyron): "DO IT LIKE THE DURB!"

••• Dave's still after Time Warner Cable for dumping CBS. What kind of show will we see now on Time Warner? / video promo for The Man with the 132-Pound Scrotum
(clip): a man with a 132-pound scrotum, struggling to walk

(voice-over): "The man with the 132-pound scrotum. His scrotum grows an estimated 30 pounds per year."

(art card and voice-over): "Thanks, Time Warner Cable."

(me): You can't make this stuff up. TLC ran a documentary on this last night.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "REMINDER: Don't forget to do your upcoming scheduled activities." / a plug for iTunes ••• desk chat:
Dave: "I just need to take a second here to apologize for saying ugly, untrue things last night about HBO. I don't know what go into me. I am so... I am so sorry. I was under the impression that they were somehow responsible for the Time Warner thing. No... they have nothing to do with it. Hey, I was just kidding."
••• Jim Keyes, CEO of Time Warner (and 7-Eleven®, Exxon Mobil, Shell Oil and Carnival Cruises, as well as Director of Mayan Public Relations, which you know if you're a regular Late Show viewer), appears onstage to address the difficulties between his company and the Tiffany Network. Mr. Keyes' comments go exactly like this:
"Thanks, Dave, and sorry about the whole taking-you-off-television kerfuffle. Hi, folks. I'm Jim Keyes, CEO of Time Warner Cable, the TV guys. Well, it's been a rocky road of negotiations with CBS, and not the kind of Rocky Road I usually enjoy in the summertime in an ice cream cone. Ha ha ha ha. We at Time Warner Cable are just sick about the frustration we've caused by turning off your favorite television channels, and we'd like to make it up to you. Effective immediately, we are offering free cable for a year to all of our existing subscribers. That means all of your favorite shows, from America's Top Idol to Zorro for no cost, all year long! And there's more: you'll enjoy those programs on your brand new 70-inch Sony 3-D HDTV, which we will be shipping to each Time Warner customer next week. But that's not all. Call our customer service help line in the next 10 minutes, and we'll send you a second TV, absolutely free! Yes, Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa have all come early this year, so curl up on the couch, open a bag of snacks, and enjoy the rest of your summer watching Time Warner Cable."

(Jim exits the stage.)

(CBSO): "What the World Needs Now"

••• Top Ten Signs Your Cable Company Is Evil ••• Louis C.K. (pronounced "Loo-ee") plugs Louie. ••• desk chat: Dave fires up the DAVE phone.
(Dave dials.)

(FX): phone rings

(voice of security boss Bill DeLace): "Due to a contract dispute with Time Warner, 911 emergency services are not available. Thanks for your patience."

(FX): dial tone

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Hugh Evans, CEO of the Global Poverty Project, plugs the upcoming Global Citizen Festival, coming to Central Park on Sept. 28. ••• John Legend sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [John Legend did a Live on Letterman webcast at 8 ET.] ••• [Neil Jason was in for Will Lee.]

8/21/13 [3892]: The feud between Time Warner Cable and CBS continues into week three. / video:

(photo): a Time Warner Cable facility

(voice-over): "There's a lot being said about our decision to drop CBS from our lineup. We've received your numbers e-mails and phone calls expressing displeasure, and demanding CBS's return to our service. Our executives have been dealing with this issue 24 hours a day, seven days a week since this began. And, while it's a very complex situation involving many different issues, we at Time Warner Cable want our customers to know one thing. We don't care."

••• Tonight's audience shout out begins with a joke about the NYC subway shark, with a punchline about a tourist from Cincinnati. ••• As we know, Dick Van Dyke had some bad luck with his Jaguar the other day... something about it being engulfed in flames. CBS News has the latest "Dick Van Update." / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "On Monday, Dick Van Dyke's car suddenly burst into flames, but he escaped unharmed. Meanwhile, in other Dick Van News, Dick Van Patten escaped with minor injuries when his combover suddenly caught fire."

(animation): a flaming combover

(voice-over): "More Dick Van News afters these Dick Van Messages."

••• "Senator Dick Durbin Setting a Good Example" / video:
(title graphic and rock music)

(Senator Durbin on C-SPAN): "Mr. President, I think I need to get some tattoos!"

(FX): Black sunglasses appear on Dick's head.

(voice-over): "DO IT LIKE THE DURB!"

(title graphic)

••• Oprah's new movie is doing well at the box office. Let's have a look at the trailer. / video:
(graphic): The Weinstein Company

(voice-over): "Critics and audiences are raving about Lee Daniels' The Butler, starring Forest Whitaker as Cecil Gaines..."

(Whitaker): "I'm Cecil Gaines. I'm the new butler."

(voice-over): "James Marsden as John F. Kennedy..."

(Marsden): ridiculous Kennedy accent I couldn't understand

(voice-over): "Robin Williams as Dwight Eisenhower..."

(Williams): "Did you ever complete school, Cecil?"

(voice-over): "And Jackie Chan as Bill Clinton."

(Chan): beats the crap out of a guy with a couple of skillets

(voice-over): "Lee Daniels' The Butler. In theaters now."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "Your weight on the moon would only be 17% of your earth weight, but your space suit would make you look fat." / a plug for Iams® ••• desk chat:
Dave has a copy of The Freshman Survival Guide, by Nora Bradbury-Hael, © 2011. He claims he relied on it as a college freshman, back in 1965. That little detail doesn't hold up especially well when he reads, "Save a lot of money by getting your books online..." Before long, Paul shows great interest, opining that it would be perfect for William Wood Lee Shaffer when he goes to college.
Paul: "Hey David, do you think I could take a look at...? I'd like to come over, because I... I find this so interesting. Where did you find a book like this, and how much does a book like this cost, because I could use a book just like this when my son goes off to college. Well, it's gonna be another few years, but soon the time will come, and this book is a collection of practical tips, words to the wise, food for thought as a young adult embarks on a thrilling journey... into higher education. One... compact volume... one compact volume with so much information, leading me to believe that everything you need to know about surviving your freshman year... of college... is in this book right here!"

Dave wonders if Nancy Agostini has a number for Elton John. Dave then reads more tips for freshmen, like, "Since no one has ever met you, entertain yourself by affecting a foreign accent," and "If you join a fraternity, be prepared to do a fair amount of gay stuff."

••• [On August 19, The Learning Channel aired The Man with the 132-Pound Scrotum.] / Top Ten Other TLC Specials ••• Tina Fey has another great interview with Dave. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": It's beloved film coordinator, Shecky! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Todd Seda reprises his role as traitor Edward Snowden.
(Dave): "Here he is, live from an undisclosed location. Say hello to Edward Snowden. Hey, Ed, how's it goin', my friend? Good to see ya!"

(Todd): "Hey, thanks, Dave. Guess where I am!"

(Dave): "Uh, well, it says there, 'undisclosed location.' Um... I don't know."

(Todd): "Come on. You've gotta guess."

(Dave): "I've gotta guess? Alright. Are you in Moscow?"

(Todd): "Nope."

(Dave): "OK. I don't know a lot of Russian... St. Petersburg!"

(Todd): "No. Keep tryin'!"

(Dave): "Uh, geez. Russia is enormous. Uh, where're they gonna have the Olympics, Paul, in Sochi? Huh? Sochi? Ed? Am I right? Ed?"

(Todd): "Just forget it."

(Dave): "Huh?"

(Todd): "Forget it."

(Dave): "Uh, who is... who's your buddy there, back there? Who is that?"

(Todd): "Oh, that's my roommate, Vadim." (exaggerates his name, obnoxiously)

(Dave): "Yeah, that's good. Now, he lives with you, Ed? How did you get a roommate?"

(Todd): "Oh, Dave... craziest coinkydink. He was a cab driver who picked me up at the airport. He had a spare room at his place, and seemed pretty chill, so I just went with it."

(Dave): "Yeah..."

(Todd, yelling): "Vadim..."

(Dave): "Yeah, he does. I know. He does seem pretty chill. You're right about that. Now, do you worry that you're being monitored by the government, or interrogated by the KGB? Any of that kinda thing goin' on?"

(Todd): "KGB? Dude, you've been watchin' too much Bullwinkle."

(Todd, as Bullwinkle, in Russian accent): "Must kill innocent squirrel."

(Dave): "Well, now, Ed, you really seem to be in good spirits here, with all you're goin' through."

(Todd): "Yeah, of course I miss the airport a little. The food here goes right through ya. Talk about Siberian Express! Suck on that, Yakov Smirnoff!"

(Dave): "OK, that's enough. Now, we're about... we're about out of time, Ed. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we go?"

(Todd): "I would, Dave. If my girlfriend's watching, get over here as soon as you can, baby. Dave, the local chicks look like Vadim." (yells) "Vadim!"

(Dave): "Ladies and gentlemen, there he is, your buddy, Ed Snowden. Thank you very much, Ed. Take care of yourself, pal. We'll be right back with Valerie June, everybody."

••• Valerie June sings. ••• partial credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason was in for Will Lee, who's been in Japan this week.]

8/22/13 [3893]: Tonight's audience shout out will pop up now and then, including in the Top Ten. The concept that fascinated Dave is combination seating. We're not sure, but it may have something to do with classroom seating. ••• The Red Sox pitcher who hit Alex Rodriguez on 8/18 got a five-game suspension. Here's the announcement from Major League Baseball. / video:

(graphic): MLB logo

(voice-over): "Major League Baseball has suspended Red Sox pitcher Ryan Dempster for five games, effective immediately, after determining that Dempster's pitch did not hit Alex Rodriguez hard enough."

(graphic over clip of the pitch): "NOT HARD ENOUGH"

(graphic): MLB logo

(voice-over): "A message from Major League Baseball."

••• "Good Gig" / video:
(title graphic and Caribbean music)

(commercial clip for ActivStyle.com): A smiling lady says, "When you call us, a personal incontinence consultant... someone like me, will help you find the right product..."

(title graphic and Caribbean music)

••• Pope Francis was found doing stand-up in Romania. / video:
(Pope Francis, with voice-over by a Jewish comedian): Sorry folks, but I couldn't get past the accent. I missed too many words to make sense of this. In my defense, the closed caption people didn't do any better! In the Wahoo, Mike McIntee likened the Jewish comedian to Jackie Mason. For a moment I thought, "Mason doesn't sound very Jewish." Then I looked him up. His birth name: Yacov Moshe Maza. He was a rabbi for three years, then became a comedian.
••• Here's an iPhone ad. They're more secure now. / video:
(clip of an iPhone in action)

(voice-over): "Introducing the iPhone fingerprint scanner, the most secure way to protect your passwords, your apps, and most importantly, your texting history."

(clip of Anthony Weiner sending a text message of... you know...)

(Siri says): "That's not your finger, Anthony."

(voice-over): "The iPhone. Only from Apple.)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "A special hello to our half dozen viewers still watching on black and white television." / plug for CheezIt® ••• out of commercial: The combination seating guy is moving in the audience. ••• The Late Show's keeping us up-to-date on the feud between Time Warner Cable and CBS. What would be better for an unbiased perspective than to check in with CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones in London? / Jerry Foley goes to split screen for Graham's discussion with Dave. (I should see how the closed caption people deal with Graham's gibberish.) Anyway, see the video right here. •••
Alan Kalter: "Tonight's Top Ten List is sponsored by Heavy-Duty Scrotum Scales®. Don't waste time with standard bathroom scales..." (clip of the 132-pound scrotum guy) "...which can't handle today's 132-pound scrotums. Accurate. Convenient. Comfortable. Your massive scrotum deserves a Heavy-Duty Scrotum Scale®. Available at True Value Hardware. Back to you, Wink Martindale." (video)
••• Top Ten Moviegoer Complaints about Kick-Ass 2. ••• Serena Williams, four-time U. S. Open champion •••
weather report: 88° F, humidity 48%, barometer: steady, wind: 0 MPH, visibility: 10 miles ••• Hose Cam® ••• Dave shows Hosecam: The Home Game. It's the most fun you can have with water and electricity. Dave opens the box to shows us what we get: a hose, a roll of duct tape, a handheld microphone and a cheapie speaker. There seems to be a nozzle included, and there's a black box of some sort. All this for just $89.95!
Disclaimer: "CBS and its affiliates are not responsible for loss or damage caused by the Late Show Hose Cam: The Home Game. Therefore, they will assume no liability for the loss of personal property resulting from the use of the Late Show Hose Cam: The Home Game hose. Game play may result in electrocution."

Dave says, "Send us a photo of your family playing the Hose Cam: The Home Game, and you might win a t-shirt."

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sean Donnelly does stand-up. ••• MGMT sings. ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Neil Jason was in for Will Lee, who's been in Japan this week.]

8/23/13: REPEAT FROM 8/01/13

8/26/13 [3894]: Tonight's audience shout out is to someone from West Palm Beach. ••• The US Open Tennis Championship started yesterday. Every year at this time, the Late Show has their own version: The Backstage Tennis Championship. / video:

We watch Isner vs. Simon, with Simon leading the three sets 3-6, 6-4, 2-1. It's a very nice little court, but someone should have asked the interns to take down the framed pictures on the walls, as there's quite a bit of glass biting the dust.
••• interruption: You guessed it. Alan Kalter is making quite a commotion at stage left. He has one of those electric shoe polishers with a fuzzy brush.
(Dave): "Do you hear that, Paul?"

(Paul): "Yeah. What is that?

(Dave): "Do you hear that? Am I... Oh, I see. It's Alan." (hollering) "Hey. Alan. Alan! That's cute! Look at that! Alan, what're you doin' over there?"

(Alan): "Hey. You shut up! I'm shining my shoes. Why don't you call Helen Reddy?"

(Dave, stammering): "What? What? Why... are you makin' that noise? Stop."

(Alan): "I don't care what you think, duck lips. Nobody keeps Big Red from looking his best!"

(Dave): "Uh huh. OK. Alright, sorry."

(Dave, to Paul): "Alan."

(Alan, to Dave): "Yeah, I'll bet you're sorry, you pathetic sack of wet cheese."

(close-up): Alan looks to a camera to his right and winks four times. With each wink comes an FX bell.

(Dave): "Alright. Let's just keep movin.' "

••• "Local News Highlight of the Night" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music: "PM Theme")

(We join WFXT, Fox 25 Boston, for tonight's fun, beginning with Mark Ockerbloom and Maria Stephanos in the studio.)

(Mark): "Melissa Mahan is in Brockton for us tonight, where the DA just provided an update. Melissa?"

(Melissa Mahan, live): She's looking down at something, then says, "Hmmm?" Her eyes open wide in shock. "What? What? Right now? Oh, hi. Good evening."

(title graphic)

••• Miley Cyrus went nuts in her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. She was parading around in her underpants during her musical number, and repeatedly sticking out her exceptionally long tongue. Let's give her more of the attention she craves with this little promotional spot. / video:
(dramatic music)

(photos): a weepy-eyed young woman, then an older man

(female voice-over): "Every day is a struggle, and every day you pray for things to get easier."

(cheery music)

(photo): woman visiting with a doctor

(female voice-over): "But now, there's help. If you're one of the millions of Americans who suffer from restless tongue syndrome, there's a wide range of treatments that might be right for you."

(clip): Miley, parading around in next-to-nothing, sticking out her tongue

(female voice-over): "Consult your physician today, so we never have to see this..."

(Miley, in a swimming suit and underpants, undulating, sticking out her tongue)

(female voice-over): "... again. A message from the Restless Tongue Syndrome Institute."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / a plug for Cottonelle ••• desk chat:
Last night, Dave was driving to the city in bumper-to-bumper traffic. He was gnawing on an apple while driving. The apple unexpectly broke, falling onto Dave's lap. In that moment when he looked down, Dave bumped the BMW in front of him. A German national, wearing shorts and smoking, checked out the minor damage to his car's hiney, and insisted to Dave that he needed to file a police report, right then and there. (Dave's Volvo was unharmed.) The police came. Meanwhile, Dave's thinking about all the people he knows at the Bavarian Motor Works. After quite a bit of name dropping, "Hans" had never heard of a single one, including Bobby Rahal. Then Dave and Paul make a bit of fun of Germans, and Dave announces that he's just guaranteed himself a lawsuit. (video)
••• Donald Trump's university, which none of us had heard of until today, is alleged to be a scam. / Top Ten Signs You're Attending a Phony University ••• Patrick Dempsey plugs Grey's Anatomy, and visits with Dave about Dempsey Racing. ••• Amy Sedaris has another visit with Dave, in the usual gigantic skirt. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Alan says, "I look fabulous today." ••• more Amy Sedaris ••• Laura Marling sings. She's cute. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Will Lee's back from Japan!]

8/27/13 [3895]: Dave has a few audience shout outs to Swedes tonight. ••• The US Open is so commercialized these days. There are even ads on the nets. If you listen closely, there's so much more. / video from today: Federer vs. Verdasco:

We join play with the score favoring Federer, at 6-3, 2-0.

With each swing, we hear a new commercialized grunt: Nike®. Adidas®. ?, McDonald's®. Nike®. Adidas®. ?, McDonald's®. Nike®.

••• Miley Cyrus was twerking in her underpants at the MTV VMAs on Monday night, and created even more of an uproar by sticking out her tongue like a giraffe. Why? Let's turn now to "Miley Cyrus's Influences." / video:
(title graphic)

(graphic and voice-over): "Tongue-dancing pioneer Jabba the Hutt."

(clip): Jabba moving his tongue around in one of the Star Wars

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Inspirational Message": "When life gives you lemonade, hey, you're all set!" / a plug for DIRECTV ••• Uh oh. Bruce and Linda have re-emerged. They were last seen on 3/27/13, in a "Showbiz Weekend." They have a taped report from the VMAs in Brooklyn. / video:
(Linda): "Thanks, Dave. We've had quite a night here at the VMAs, or the "veemas," as the kids say, here at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn."

(Bruce): "I haven't been this excited since my first Roger Whittaker concert."

(Linda): "Do tell! Well, here is a collection of highlights from our red carpet interviews."

(clips): All I recognized was Selena Gomez.

(Linda, with Carly Aquilino and Chris DiStefano): "Hey, where were you guys when you heard that Dick Van Dyke's car caught on fire?"

(Chris to Carly): "I was with your mother. We were with your mother, last night."

(Linda, to Erin Wasson): "That's such a great outfit. Are you excited about next weekend's Labor Day sales?"

(Erin): "Labor Day sales. Let's see. Well... no!"

(Linda, with the cast of Guy Code): "When did you apply for the awards tonight? When did you apply?"

(answer): "Apply for the awards? We didn't apply for the awards. We were chosen!"

(Linda, with Ellie Goulding): "Have you ever thought about doing a Christmas album?"

(Ellie): "No."

(Linda): "I can't believe everything that just happened. What a night!"

(Bruce): "I wish they would have let us inside."

(Linda): "From the MTV 'veema' awards at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, we're Bruce and Linda, sending it back to you in the studio, Dave."

(Dave, to Paul): "That was nothing."

(Paul): "It wasn't much."

(Dave): "That was nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's Top Ten. Let's go."

(me): Bruce's interviewing skills are not yet up those of Larry "Bud" Melman.

••• Teamsters from Local 817 present the Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Teamster. Presenters were: Tommy Delellis*, Alex Ortiz, Cindy Tolan, Tommy Miele*, Bear Schmidt*, Ryan Bentley, Kenny Gaskins, Gayle Keller*, Eric Klein and Vinny Delellis.*
* Spelling of presenters' names was shamelessly swiped from the Wahoo Gazette. Ask for it by name.

••• Anderson Cooper plugs Anderson Cooper 360. He and Dave discuss the latest global events. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay with us for warning signs that a senior citizen has joined a gang." ••• Olivia Munn plugs HBO's The Newsroom. Her name is pronounced like gun or sun. ••• Robert Randolph and the Family Band sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/28/13 [3896]: It's US Open Tennis time. Dave begins tonight's festivities with his much-sought-after impression of John McEnroe: "You... cannot... be... Syria!" (It's a bit of topical humor, as Pres. Obama is about to attack that unruly nation.) •••

The ne'er-do-wells at Time Warner Cable are refusing to carry CBS programming in New York and Los Angeles, as the tug-of-war between the two juggernauts continues. What are US Open followers to do? How about just carrying the audio? "Nope." How about just the grunts? "OK." / It goes something like this: "Ughh." "Ughh." "Ughh." "Ughh." "Ughh." "Ughh." "Ughh." "Ughh." / voice-over: "Time Warner: 'UGHGHJGD!' "
••• Dave has a couple of audience shout outs to a dude from New Orleans. ••• The attorney general of New York is claiming that Trump University is a fake. [It seems it was never accredited, and never conferred a single degree.] The university's on the defensive and the offensive. Here's a recent response. / video:
(outside shot): Trump Tower, I think.

(voice-over): "The New York State attorney general has called Trump University a fraud, claiming it failed to deliver on promises to make students rich." (clip of Donald at a lectern) "We here at Trump University take offense at these accusations, and can prove that many have found success... like Trump University graduate Eric Trump, who bought a yacht after making his first million, Ivanka Trump, who created her own successful line of shoes, jewelry and handbags, and Donald Trump, Jr., who is one of the stars of the wildly popular television show, The Apprentice. Trump University: 'We Make Millionaires.' "

(graphic): Trump University logo

••• A ferry headed for Liberty Island crashed. (Apparently the pilot ignored warnings about a giant statue in the area.) Everybody's OK. There was only one minor injury. / Photoshop fun: Lady Liberty is sporting a neck brace. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I need to make sure I have all my ducks in a row. That's not a metaphor. I have to go arrange my ducks." / a plug for the Buick Encore •••
U. S. Army Staff Sergeant Ty Michael Carter is Dave's first guest tonight. On August 26, 2013, he was awarded the Medal of Honor by Barack Obama, for his heroic actions in a 12-hour-long battle in Afghanistan in October of 2009. He rescued a seriously-wounded fellow soldier, repeatedly fetched additional ammunition under fire, and felled a burning tree that was making a complete nuisance of itself.

Sergeant Carter gave a brilliant description of what it is like to have post-traumatic stress, and the scenarios that can cause it. While opinions differ on our presence in places like Afghanistan, there's no denying the bravery and heroic actions of Staff Sergeant Carter. (Dave gave him a 23-minute segment.) (video)

 
IN MEMORIAM

STAFF SGT. VERNON W. MARTIN OF SAVANNAH, GA
STAFF SGT. JUSTIN T. GALLEGOS OF TUCSON, AZ
SGT. JOSHUA M. HARDT OF APPLEGATE, CA
SGT. JOSHUA J. KIRK OF SOUTH PORTLAND, ME
SGT. MICHAEL P. SCUSA OF VILLAS, NJ
SPC. CHRISTOPHER T. GRIFFIN OF KINCHELOE, MI
SPC. STEPHAN L. MACE OF LOVETTSVILLE, VA
PFC KEVIN C. THOMSON OF RENO, NV.

••• Hayden Panettiere plugs ABC's Nashville. She was an awesome guest. It's too bad there wasn't more time for her. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan / Pope Francis is on the phone for Alan, who doesn't have time for him right now. ••• In the Valley Below sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/29/13 [3897]: 20th (CBS) ANNIVERSARY SHOW (Yes, of course Bill Murray is here.) ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Wisconsin. ••• We begin with a clip from episode 0001, 8/30/93. Or not. The part of Dave is played by Pat Sajak. ••• Any regrets over the 20 years for Dave? Well, there's one: the on-air colonoscopy. / Cue the well-used b & w clip of a man and woman exploring a cave. ••• "Good Batman Bad Batman" / video:

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "Good Batman. Christian Bale."

(Christian Bale): "Tell me where the traitor is. Then... you have my permission to die."

(voice-over): "Bad Batman. Joe Theismann.

(Joe Theisman, with an FX Batman mask, says, "My prostate was giving me fits."

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Good Batman Bad Batman.' "

••• In honor of 20 great years, here's "Things Dave Doesn't Remember Saying on the Late Show." / video:
(title graphic)

(Dave at his desk, 11/01/2011): "I will clear this room so fast, it'll make your vagina spin!"

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "The Pony Express carried only mail having to do with ponies." / a plug for Netflix ••• desk chat:
  1. Bill Murray's here. He is the gold standard in American comedy.

  2. As usual on anniversaries, Dave announces the numbers. 3,901 episodes on CBS. 5,711 total episodes, counting Late Night.

  3. Dave thanks everyone on the staff for their hard work. He thanks CBS for being completely helpful and supportive.
••• What a nice gesture! Various celebrities have sent greetings on this auspicious occasion. Here they are, in "Celebrities Wish Dave Happy 20th Anniversary." / video:
(title graphic and awards show music)

(Kim Kardashian): "I just want to say congratulations on your..."

(Michael Z. McIntee): "...anniversary."

(Barack Obama): "Over the years, I've been greatly moved by the warmth and spirit, the strength and resolve, of..."

(Michael Z. McIntee): "...David Letterman."

(George Clooney photo)

(Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "Hey! it's me, George Clooney!"

(Gary Mintz voice-over): "And I'm Brad Pitt. Happy 20th anniversary, you handsome son of a bitch!"

••• Dave reports a total of 39,010 Top Ten entries over 20 years. (I don't know where he got that number, because a Top Ten hasn't been aired with every episode. Sometimes they've been written and recorded, but ultimately edited out, if the show ran long.) ••• Top Ten List Entries from the Past 20 Years / #6: Irritable Owl Syndrome •••
Hang onto your wigs and keys. We've reached Bill Murray's segment. As usual, he's come with lots of material. Stagehands push a white Rolls Royce, containing the aforementioned Mr. Murray, onstage. A gaudily-dressed chauffer boyfriend steps out of the right-side driver's seat to open the door for Liberace Mr. Murray, attired in white from head to toe, except for his wig. He's wearing a white tuxedo, and a long cape that flows behind him. Bill is holding a white poodle, also dressed in white.

Bill has a big surprise for Dave. He coordinates the unveiling with Jerry Foley, who speaks to Bill on the studio PA, just as Hal Gurnee did about every five minutes. Hanging over Broadway, above the Late Show marquee, is a five-story-tall mugshot of none other than Bill Murray, apparently naked, save for a red scarf tied around his neck. At the bottom of the new photo, in letters one story tall: "BILL MURRAY." On close inspection, we see "Wishes Dave a Happy 20th Anniversary," in letters about six inches high.

Bill's been busy. He just wrapped shooting of St. Vincent in Brooklyn this afternoon. (It's a meatloaf of a film.) He's been in Germany, too, shooting The Monuments Men with George Clooney.

He has a fun story and clip about a Cubs game, and hanging with Harry Caray during TV coverage at Wrigley Field on 8/08/88, the first time they played at home under lights.

What does Bill remember about his first Late Show appearance? Let's check the record. Bill and Dave put on goggles, then Bill tosses aside his guest chair. He deploys a utility knife, cutting out a square of carpet where the chair had set. All we see is sand. No matter. Bill brought a pick axe, just in case, and he's ready for some prospecting on the platform. Nothing. Bill pauses, then says, "It was the other chair."

He tosses the #2 guest chair aside, then goes to work with the utility knife, followed by more pick axe action. The area's solid, and Bill's pooped. Thank goodness he brought a giant, electric jack hammer / hammer drill. There it is: a $10 cash box.

Inside he finds a New York Post with a Leno article, Dave's old, red hairpiece, a framed photo of Bill and Dave, and a Billboard magazine from 1993. What was the #1 song 20 years ago? The CBS Orchestra accompanies Bill, as he sings Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You." Confetti and balloons fall from the rafters at the conclusion of his performance. Bill hugs Dave, then Felicia, and scampers offstage, his cape flowing behind him.

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Lenny Kravitz and Gladys Knight sing. •••
The anniversary show ends with a video photo album, which has about 300 action photos from 20 years of the Late Show. The Late Show's Mike McIntee threw down the gauntlet to me, the amateur episode log writer, in yesterday's Wahoo Gazette, to catalog all those photos. No problem, if you have Labor Day weekend (which I do) and a photographic memory (which I don't). It's a real nice collection of memories from the years, but I can't recognize all of 'em. We see all kinds of memorable events, for example: construction of the Late Show set, Jack Hanna with tigers, Madonna's censored appearance, Julia Roberts and Dave making out, Rupert with the intuitive Deborah Lynn, Leonard Tepper, Dave announcing Harry's birth almost 10 years ago, Paul as Carnac, Shecky in drag, Paul Newman 20 years ago, asking about singing cats, Jay Thomas in the Quarterback Challenge, George W. Bush, Barack Obama, Bob and Elizabeth Dole, Andy Kindler, Eddie Murphy, a spit take from Tony Bennett, Johnny Dark as the oldest page, "Dave and Steve's Gay Vacation," Calvert as a bride, "Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts," Dave hosing down Richard Simmons with a CO2 extinguisher, kid scientists, Bruce Willis in a bikini, Drew Barrymore flashing Dave on 4/12/95, Al Gore breaking an ashtray, Chris Christie eating a donut, "Dave Talks to Kids," lots of shirtless guys, Farrah Fawcett's drunken appearance on 6/06/97, Joaquin Phoenix ("who couldn't be here tonight") on 2/11/09, Dave as Mr. Peanut, Dave as Cap'n Crunch, Dave as a pilgrim, Dave as The Lone Ranger, Robert DeNiro saying nothing, Denzel Washington on the "no audience" day, Rebecca Kraft's duck, Regis, eating cottage cheese from her mouth, Warren Zevon, George Miller, Dave Dorsett's retirement tribute, Jude Brennan and Warren Beatty advertising Big Ass Bacon back in '94, Johnny Carson..., "Here's That Rainy Day" in memory of Johnny Carson, Shannon Eis and toys, Dorothy, Sully, Ben Stiller in yellow lederhosen, Sherman Grossman sneezing, Paul McCartney on the marquee, a shirtless Chris Elliott (eww), Jack Hanna putting away Tommy O'Brien as the Late Show Bear... on and on. That's it for now. We're dedicating Kansas State's $90,000,000 West Stadium Center press box (and unveiling Bill Snyder's statue) this Aug. 30th morning, and I don't wanna oversleep it.
••• We see a quick shot of the traditional anniversary staff photo. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

8/30/13: REPEAT FROM 7/29/13

9/02/13: REPEAT FROM 8/22/13

9/03/13 [3898]: Tonight's audience shout outs are to a guy from San Francisco. ••• Remember Richard Nixon? The Late Show has access to all the once-secret tapes. Here's a sample from "The Final Richard Nixon Tapes." / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "March 15, 1974. Nixon falls asleep while watching Good Times."

(Nixon): snoring

(J.J.): "...and it all belongs to Kid..." (claps) "...Dy-No-Mite!"

(Nixon): snoring

(Nixon photo and voice-over): "Richard Nixon. A Norman Lear Production. ©MCMLXXIV"

••• interruption: It's Creative Director, Digital Media Jay Johnson, as a gent named Ted.
(Dave): "Hey! Hi, how're ya doin'?"

(Jay/Ted): "Hi, Dave! Ted Jeffries, CBS Accounting. As you know, the dispute between CBS and Time Warner Cable is over, and we won!"

(Dave): "Well, good! That's great."

(Jay/Ted): "We got an increase in the fees they pay us, per-show.

(Dave): "Uh huh. That's just fantastic! Thank you."

(Jay/Ted): "So... I am here to give you your share of the increased revenue."

(Dave): "No!"

(Jay/Ted starts peeling off currency.)

(Dave): "Are you kidding me?"

(Jay/Ted, counting to himself): "Three, four..."

(Jay/Ted, to Dave): "There you go. Eight dollars."

(Dave, counting his jackpot): "One, two, three... five dollars, six, seven, eight..."

(Jay/Ted): "Hang on. Hang on. 47¢."

(Dave): "Eight dollars... 47¢!"

(Jay/Ted): "And that's just for this week."

(Dave): "That's just for this week?"

(Jay/Ted): "I'll be back next week with another payment."

(Dave): "Oh, that's... that's just great! I think we'll all look forward to that."

(Jay/Ted): "High five?"

(Dave): "No, I've got my hands full."

(Jay/Ted): exits the stage

••• What about that evil dictator in Syria, who's gassing his citizens? / "Get to Know Bashar Al-Assad" / video:
(title graphic)

(family photo and voice-over): "Bashar Al-Assad was born in Damascus in 1965. He succeeded his father as leader of Syria in the year 2000. And, in 2011, the international criminal court fined Assad $1,000 for growing the world's least-successful mustache."

(close up of the dinky mustache)

(FX): slide whistle

(voice-over): "This has been 'Get to Know Bashar Al-Assad.' "

(title graphic)

•••
(Dave): "You know, people are worried about President Obama's exit strategy, and if we go to war, uh, you know, really, in three years it'll be Hillary's problem. So he's not..."

(Dave, to Paul): "There's somethin' not right. Did that seem right to you?"

(Paul): "What do you mean?"

(Dave, quietly): "Excuse me one second. Let me just take a look."

(Dave steps over to the CBS Instant Replay monitor to evaluate the last play. He puts on the headphones and leans under the black cover.)

(Dave, after about 15 seconds): "OK." He clears his throat.

(Paul): "What's the ruling?"

(Dave, seen from the boom camera, now with stadium reverb audio): "Upon further review, it turns out the joke was just not that funny."

••• Thirty million $100 bills were printed with mistakes, so they have to recall them. Here's an announcement from the United States Government. / video:
(clip): bills being printed

(voice-over): "The Bureau of Engraving and Printing would like to apologize for a printing error, forcing us to discard over 30,000,000 $100 bills. We mistakenly used a picture where Benjamin Franklin was blinking."

(photo): Ben on a $100 bill

(graphic): Bureau of Engraving and Printing seal

(voice-over): "The Bureau of Engraving and Printing. Stop calling us the mint."

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I just realized something. If it stays in your famly long enough, any tomato is an heirloom tomato." / a plug for Progressive® ••• desk chat:
Dave wants to talk about a novel I've never heard of: Fifty Shades of Grey. It's about sexual activities you can do. It supposedly knocked Harry Potter off the best-seller list. Now... big surprise... someone's making a film based on the book. The cast has been announced. / video:
(photo): book cover

(voice-over and clips): "The steamy, best-selling novel is now a major motion picture, starring Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey, Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele and David Letterman as the couple's downstairs neighbor."

(We see Dave poking on his ceiling with a broom handle. Apparently there's quite a session underway upstairs.): "Knock it off!"

(voice-over): "Fifty Shades of Grey. Coming soon."

••• [Diana Nyad, 64, swam 110 miles and almost 53 hours from Cuba to Key West, Florida, arriving there on September 2.] / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Diana Nyad's Mind While Swimming from Cuba to Florida / #9: "Mmm, plankton!" / #1: "Still better than a Carnival cruise." ••• Jake Gyllenhaal plugs The Prisoners. ••• out of commercial: It's a black & white commercial. Dave advertises Loomis & Son Cream Oil. /
(Alan Kalter): "CBS Television presents the Late Show Star Theater, brought to you by Loomis & Sons Cream Oil."

(Dave): "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman. The one thing that gives any man confidence is a smart, successful appearance, and that's why you should use Loomis & Sons Cream Oil. It contains the heart of lanolin, nature's finest emollient. Just a few drops every morning will give you that special something. So try Loomis & Sons Cream Oil today. Available at a nearby store."

(Alan Kalter): "Loomis & Sons Cream Oil, available in bottles, and new unbreakable tube."

••• Backstage Photo Club card: Supervising Producer Sheila Rogers ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Julie Chen plugs The Talk. ••• The DoDos sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/04/13 [3899]: Tomorrow is Rosh Hashanah. Here's a "Biff Henderson Rosh Hashanah Classic." /

(from Oct. 3, 2005): Biff got his tongue twisted a little bit. I've got the eight-year-old clip for you, right here. (video).

(title graphic and Jewish music)

(Biff in Times Square, dressed for a cold New Year's Eve): "You can feel the electricity surfing through the air, as we usher in the Newish Jew Year."

(Paul): laughs his ass off

(FX): Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic and Jewish music)

••• Here's a brand new funny (that we know we'll see more of). The Late Show's starting another season, but this year, Dave solves crimes, in Late Show: Miami. / Will Lee's "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream ••• It's another new segment: "Now That You Mention It, Yes" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

(Biotene® ad lady): Does your mouth often feel like it lacks enough saliva to keep it comfortably moist?"

(The title graphic answers the question.): "Now That You Mention It, Yes."

••• interruption: Stagehand Gene Szymanski shows up by Dave's mark. Let's get right to it, shall we?
(Dave): "Oh, hi, Gene. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to one of our stagehands, a great guy. This is Gene Szymanski. Hi, Gene. How can I help you, buddy?"

(Gene): "I'm just lettin' you that I'm leavin' early, to celebrate the Jewish high holiday, Rush Limbaugh."

(long pause)

(Dave): "Well, um... I didn't... You know, Gene, I didn't know you were Jewish, and, and, but I think it's... I don't think you... It's not Rush Limbaugh."

(Gene): "Rumspringa?"

(Dave): "No."

(Gene): "Shenandoah?"

(Dave): "No. No."

(Gene): "Benihana? Honolulu?"

(Dave): "Yeah, that's right! Honolulu. Happy Honolulu, Gene."

(Gene): "Thanks, Dave."

(Dave): "Thank you very much."

(Gene): "The same to you!"

(Dave): "My best to your family."

••• "How the CBS Time Warner Blackout Ended" / video:
(title graphic on a phony HDTV screen, and dramatic movie music)

(We see videotape guy Jimmy Alkins at an control console backstage, reading something.)

(tinny-sounding intercom voice): "Alright, Jimmy. We're back on."

(Jimmy pokes a button on an expensive-looking gadget.)

"This is CBS."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Remember When": "Remember the 1950s, when fish had those big tailfins?" / a plug for Applebees® ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about the NYC mayoral race. He and Paul both compliment Mayor Bloomberg on his accomplishments. Now, how about another "Late Show Unfair Edit?" OK, that's not what the show is calling this segment, but that's what this phone call with the mayor will be. Here we go:
(Dave reaches for the DAVE phone.)

(Dave): "Hello, Mayor Bloomberg. Thank you very much for taking the time."

(Mayor Bloomberg): "Thank you for having me."

(Dave): "Yeah. Mayor Bloomberg, what do you think of the candidates currently in the race for your job?"

(Mayor Bloomberg): "They have done very little."

(Dave): "Uh huh. So, uh, I take it you're displeased with the candidates. Is that right?"

(Mayor Bloomberg): "I'm not gonna take it anymore. And if the voters like it, they'll re-elect me. And if the voters don't, at least I'll be able to look myself in the mirror."

(Dave): "Well, yeah. That's always a good feeling, but uh... you... you're not allowed to run again. You've had three terms as the mayor. Term limits."

(Mayor Bloomberg): starts speaking broken Spanish

(Paul): "Love that!"

(Dave): "That's great, Mr. Mayor, but I don't speak Spanish, so if we could just, please, stick to one language?"

(Mayor Bloomberg, firmly): "You have to do both."

(Dave): "OK. Fair enough. Now, have you thought about what you might want to do next, when you leave office?"

(Mayor Bloomberg): "You know, maybe the president of a book club. Something like that."

(Dave): "Really? Well, you know, Mayor, again, thank you very much. We're just about out of time. Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

(Mayor Bloomberg): "No container should be bigger than 16 ounces."

(FX): hang up / dial tone

••• Senator John McCain was seen playing Internet poker on his iPhone during the Senate debate on whether to blow up Syria. / Top Ten John McCain Excuses (with an entry for an audience guy in Dallas) ••• Tim Robbins plugs Thanks for Sharing. ••• "Late Show Audience Giveaway" (with Alan Kalter)
(Dave): "What is tonight's 'Audience Giveaway' item?

(Alan): "It's $100 cash!"

(Dave): "Alan, that is fantastic!"

(Alan): "It is, and now, audience, who here tonight has a hundred dollars cash on them? You, sir. You, sir. And now, let's see the hundred dollars."

(CBS Orchestra Segment Producer Dan Fetter, as a civilian in the audience, digs for a moment, then produces the cash.)

(Alan): "OK, now. Give it away!"

(Dan starts looking perturbed.)

(Alan): "That's right!" Just give it away, to the audience member in front of you!"

(Dan hands over the cash.)

(Alan): "Great! Now, get out of here! And that's how we play "Late Show Audience Giveaway!"

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Coach Herm Edwards plugs his show on ESPN. ••• Passion Pit sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Passion Pit have a live webcast at 8 ET.]

9/05/13 [3900]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Pete and Patty. Little do they know, they'll be getting a TTL entry. ••• It's Rosh Hashanah. Tonight only: All jokes were written by gentile writers. ••• "A Rosh Hashanah Tip" / video:

(title graphic and Jewish music)

(voice-over): "Before blowing into a traditional ram horn shofar, remember to first remove it from the ram."

(animation): A man who has forgotten the aforementioned advice is butted off the top of a mountain by a disgruntled ram.

(voice-over): "This has been 'A Rosh Hashanah Tip.' We now return you to The Joe Girardi Show, already in progress."

(title graphic)

••• Can you believe we had 15 years of Google? / Have a look at this commercial:
(female voice-over): "Congratulations to Google, celebrating their 15th anniversary of helping morons everywhere."

(clip of TV's David Letterman at his command module in 2011, typing on a MacBook): "what is my shoe size?"

(female voice-over): "A message from people."

••• [That bastard Al-Assad, who runs Syria, has been gassing his citizens, while hiding behind his dinky little mustache. Let's make fun of him.] / "What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?" / Photoshop fun and video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Donald Trump."

(Donald, with a dinky mustache): "You see what's going on with Russia and Snowden, and you see what's going on with..."

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?' "

(title graphic)

••• That was great! Let's do it again!
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Miley Cyrus."

(Miley, with a dinky mustache): "Madonna's done it. Britney's done it. Every VMA performance. Anyone that performs. You know, anyone that performs..."

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?' "

(title graphic)

••• A report is making the rounds on the Internet this week: bonobos share 98.7% of human DNA, including hair loss. Dave: "Is there anything more obvious than a monkey with a toupee?" / Photoshop fun: Donald Trump is shown his natural hair, and Bastard Al-Assad's dinky mustache is added for extra fun. ••• Hey! It's been a while since we've seen "What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?" / Photoshop fun and video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Charlie Callas."

(Charlie, with a dinky mustache, is making that annoying honking noise.)

(voice-over): "See you next time on 'What Would They Look Like with Bashar Al-Assad's Mustache?' "

(title graphic)

••• "Anthony Weiner Making Friends on the Campaign Trail" / video:
(title graphic and uplifting music)

The distinguished NYC mayoral candidate is seen exiting a building. Someone must have just been mean to him. He looks over his shoulder and exclaims, "Yeah, it takes one to know one, jackass."

(title graphic and uplifting music)

••• Here's a brand new feature: Dave does that thing with his hands (his loon call), along with the CBS Orchestra to lead into the commercial break. / Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and a deep thought: "I'm not afraid of machines becoming self-aware, as long as they then become cripplingly self-conscious." / a plug for Stanley Steemer ••• Out of commercial, there's yet another new feature. Dave has formed a telescope with a blue card. He peers into the audience as he begins his Act 2 desk chat. He then unrolls it and goes to work. •••
NFL football kicked off tonight, with the Broncos vs. the Ravens. What could be more appropriate for the upcoming football season than commentary from that guy with the British name, Graham Fenwick-Jones? Jerry splits the screen for a visit with Graham, the CBS chief foreign correspondent (and closed-captioner's delight). I didn't make out much, except "snooker cues and balls," and something about a "fortnight." It's always helpful to have Graham's insights. Oh, and about the Ravens, "They should take the wicket-keeper's stance." He signs off with Dave, "Aren't you the big girl's blouse?"
••• Top Ten G20 Summit Icebreakers (#7 is that shout out for Pete and Patty): "If you'd killed him on the honeymoon, you would've been out of prison 10 years ago." ••• Queen Latifah plugs her new The Queen Latifah Show. ••• interruption: Alan Kalter surprises Dave with "This is Your Life." / Dave gets one sentence of tribute. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Jake Johnson plugs New Girl. ••• TV on the Radio sing on TV. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/06/13 [3901]: Tonight's festivities begin with a shout out to ladies from Montana. "It's time to mow the ranch." (good advice for all of us) And how about Paul, who wrote a peppy song for them? ••• We go live to the District of Columbia to check in on the Senate hearing on blowing up Syria. (Dave: "Don't you think we have lost, at this point, the element of surprise?") / video:

(Mr. Deutch): "Why should the U.S. lead this effort, and will we learn which are the 34 nations and organizations who have said they will support our action, and how they are prepared to support it?"

(Secretary of State Kerry): asleep at his desk, snoring loudly

(Mr. Deutch): "Secretary Kerry?"

(John Kerry): still snoring

••• "Good Batman Bad Batman" / video:
(Alan Kalter): " 'Good Batman Bad Batman' is sponsored by Del Frisco's® Double Eagle Steak House®. Yes, we use only the finest cuts of meat from the finest double eagles. Back to you, Dave."

(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "Good Batman: Michael Keaton."

(bad guy): "Who are you?"

(Michael Keaton): "I'm Batman," he says, as he tosses the villain to the ground

(voice-over): "Bad Batman: George W. Bush."

(George W. Bush, at the presidential lectern, with an FX Batman mask): "The first time we've been back to Texas since our trip to Africa, and you may recall we went to a park in Botswana."

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Good Batman Bad Batman.' "

••• Miley Cyrus went off the deep end during her MTV VMA performance. There was a lot of twerking, and some big-time tongue action, as well. A bit of Internet research shows that another public figure uses a lot of tongue action. / Late Show Unfair Edit video: Sec. of State Kerry's tongue keeps peeking out, over and over during a Face the Nation appearance. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / a plug for Neutrogena® Rapdi Wrinkle Repair ••• desk chat: Dave wants to talk about kids going back to school. Victoria Shaffer is in her third year of college, and William Wood Lee Shaffer's a freshman in high school. Harry J. Letterman's starting fourth grade. All this is just a set up for the latest edition of "New Books."
  • Stephen King: Under the Dome 2: Another Dome Over the First Dome

  • Donald Trump: A Lesson in Economics goes for $500. (Dave opens it up. It's an old phone book inside.)

  • Twilight Is When Many Auto Accidents Happen So Be Sure to Turn on Your Headlights

  • Tim Tebow: Other Things I Can't Throw

  • A History of Paper Jammed in the Photocopier

  • Owners Who Look Like Their Refrigerators (4th Edition)

  • Pope Francis: Gay Stuff I'm OK With (cover photos include brunch, fashion and Neil Patrick Harris)

  • (interruption: There's a siren outside. Dave says, "I thought maybe my ride is here.")

  • Anthony Weiner: This Is Where I Hide My Sexting Phone (There's a phone-sized cutout in the pages.)

  • Margaret Wise Brown, illustrations by Clement Hurd): Goodnight Un (Dennis Rodman reading bedtime stories to Kim Jong-Un)

  • Ansel Adams: Mountains I Hate (on the cover: Ansel giving the finger to a mountain)
••• There's this new book, Fifty Shades of Grey, and Dave suspects that it's not meant for him. / Top Ten Words Least Likely to Appear in an Erotic Novel / #10: gingivitis, #4: "Mow your ranch" (for the Montana lady) ••• Arsenio Hall plugs The Arsenio Hall Show. (Dave asks Arsenio to go easy on him.) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Due to alphabet budget cuts, the letters F, Z and B will no longer be available, beginning tomorrow." ••• Dan Naturman does stand-up. ••• Laura Mvula sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/09/13 [3902]:

[This show was not in the usual mold. It was probably related to late CBS coverage of the U.S. Open men's final. The show aired about 45 minutes late. Act 1 was in the usual format. Act 2 was missing. There was no desk chat, no extra video funnies and no Top Ten. I'm not sure about the overall length of the show.]
••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple from Philadelphia. We presume it's the one in Pennsylvania. •••
At last we get a look at "Dave Letterman's Dancing with the Stars Audition Tape." / video: Dave, at his monologue mark, has himself in a headlock. I'm not positive about the date. Mike McIntee will have the answer from his "Odd Dave" file in the next Wahoo Gazette. My best guess is this clip is from 2/22/13, with Dave putting himself in a headlock in response to someone's preshow question.
••• Apparently Miley Cyrus was dumped from a planned Vogue cover after her tongue wagging on MTV. / Photoshop fun: What a relief! At least Miley's still on the cover of Tongue Muscle & Fitness magazine. ••• Our nation's leaders are meeting to figure out whether or not to blow up Syria for that chemical weapon atrocity. / "Memorable Presidential War Speeches" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "December 8th, 1941."

(Franklin D. Roosevelt): "A date which will live in infamy."

(voice-over): "June 6th, 1984."

(Ronald Reagan): "Democracy is worth dying for... because it's the most deeply honorable form of government ever devised by man."

(voice-over): "February 12th, 2001."

(George W. Bush): "America needs a military... where our breast and brightest are proud to serve."

(title graphic)

••• Serena Williams defeated Victoria Azarenka in the U.S. Open championship. / "Victoria Azarenka Talks to Animals" / video:
(title graphic and peppy music)

The joke is that Victoria has quite a collection of loud grunts and sound effects with her swings. We see the following critters, one after each grunt from Victoria: a howling wolf, a little penguin honking, a goat, a peacock, a little white lamb, a crazy pet dog, a seal, a lion, another goat, I guess, and a frog in someone's yard.

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Happy Canadian Halloween!" / a plug for Clear Scalp and Hair Beauty Therapy™ •••
Ricky Gervais is in to plug Derek. He was a fun guest, but the poor dude has a "50-year-old shoulder." (He's 52.) Dave comforts him with the news that it will go away by itself in two years, then he gets a big towel and shows Ricky a stretching exercise he can do... except he can't. He can't raise an arm high enough to try it. ••• Rahm Emanuel, mayor of Chicago, plugs The President's Gatekeepers, a Discovery Channel offering. ••• Audience Pan: Alan says, "Science gets enough bodies. I'm leaving my body to entertainment. Do with it what you will." ••• desk chat: desk chat: At the end of Rahm Emanuel's appearance, Dave commented to him that he was missing part of a finger. After the commercial break, he reports that Rahm had an accident working at Arby's®.
••• Janelle Monáe sings. After a commercial break, we see her quickly walking offstage as Dave greets band members. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/10/13 [3903]: Here's a new feature. I forgot to report it at first. Just before Dave makes his goofy-but-speedy dash across the stage, an unknown guy goes first. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a dude from San Diego. He'll get a TTL entry, too. ••• "A Message from Carlos Danger" / video:

(title graphic and goofy music)

(Anthony Weiner, split screen on MSNBC's The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell: "Hey! Chillax, buddy."

(title graphic and goofy music)

••• Dave believes that even without the ball, tennis is exciting. / "US Open: Just as Much Fun Without the Ball" / video:
(title graphic and theme song)

(clip): two guys playing, apparently without a ball

(me): You know, it was fairly exciting.

(title graphic and theme song)

••• interruption: Gene Szymanski appears by Dave at his mark. The encounter goes exactly like this:
(Dave): "Hey, look! One of our stagehands, Gene Szymanski. What can I do for you, Gene?"

(Gene): "You like numerology. Right, Dave?"

(Dave): "Numerology?..."

(Gene): "Check this out."

(Dave): "...Oh, yeah."

(Gene): "Check this out."

(Dave): "OK."

(Gene): "This is show number 3903 since we started on CBS..."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Gene): "...on 8/30/93."

(Dave): "Wow."

(Gene): "If you add up the digits of 3... 9... 0... 3..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Gene): "You get 15. And if you add up the digits in 8... 30... 93, you get 23."

(Dave): "23. Right. OK."

(Gene): "If you subtract 15 from 23, what do you get?"

(Dave): "15 from 23? Um, eight."

(Gene): "Right. And guess how many letters are in Late Show. Eight!"

(Dave): "Wow. Wow! That's... You know, that's... I never thought of that, but..."

(Gene): "Unbelievable, right?"

(Dave): "Yeah! Yeah!"

(Gene): "Someone's trying to tell us something."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Gene): "Uh... oh, by the way, I have to leave early."

(Dave): "Have to leave early? Alright, thanks."

(Gene): trots away from Dave's mark

(Dave, to Paul): "He has a beautiful mind, doesn't he?"

••• Syria's own Bashar Al-Assad didn't originally want to go into the dictator business. He wanted to be an ophthalmologist.
Dave has an impression of his visit to Bashar, the ophthalmologist. He recites the eye chart letters indicated by would-be Dr. Bashar: A... S... S... (You can see where this eye exam is headed. Dave's performance is censored via the Late Show aahoogah horn, because the FCC doesn't like for people to spell hole on TV.)
••• "Bashar Al-Assad: President of Laughs" / video from Bastard's recent interview with Charlie Rose on CBS:
(title graphic and goofy music)

(Charlie): "Do you consider chemical warfare equivalent to nuclear warfare?"

(Bashar): "I don't know. We haven't tried either!"

(FX): rim shot

(title graphic and goofy theme song I didn't recognize)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Miss voting in today's primary elections? Simply shout the name of your preferred candidate at the screen now, and your vote will be counted!" / a plug for McDonald's® ••• desk chat: We start with an outside shot, and Dave quizzing Paul on bridges: Williamsburg Bridge, 59th St. Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge. Dave announces that the East River isn't techically a river. It's an estuary. It will reverse tides (as will Mr. Paul Shaffer). ••• interruption:
(Presidential seal and voice-over): "And now, a message from the President of the United States."

We see TV's Mike McIntee in the Oval Office, busy at work tidying up with a spray bottle and towel. When he looks up from the president's desk for a moment, he spots the red light on a camera.

(Mike): "Oh, sorry! Accidentally hit the button." (He reaches under the desk to end the broadcast.)

(White House graphic and voice-over): "We now return you to your regularly-scheduled program."

••• desk chat, part two:
After the TTL's open, Dave wants to talk about Syria. Al-Assad killed a bunch of citizens with poison gas, which he insists he doesn't have. Then Putin comes along and says everything will be fine if you give up your poison gas, and Al-Assad says, "OK." What to do? Dave: "You place a call to Seal Team Six. You make an appointment. Bang, zoom. That problem's taken care of. Then people say, 'Oh, yeah, but then they just get another guy in there.' Well, that's another call to Seal Team Six."
••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear in an Oval Office Address ••• Billy Crystal interview ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Did You Know?": "Lobsters only turn red when they're cooked (or when they're embarrassed)." ••• Sheryl Crow has an interview with Dave. What a fine-looking individual she is, at the age of 52! She lives in Nashville now. ••• new feature with the boom camera: an overhead blimp shot of Paul at his command module ••• Sheryl Crow sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/11/13 [3904]: audience shout out: Dave mimicks a preshow visit with someone who forgot there was a show to tape. ••• [background story: Primary voting for the mayor's race in New York City was yesterday. Anthony Weiner, who has been providing Dave comedy gold this year, limped to the finish line with 4.9% of the Democratic votes.] ••• Dave, Paul and New Yorkers will miss Anthony, "because it's always nice having someone around who makes you feel morally superior, you know?" ••• It's back to mimicking the audience member droning on. ••• "Nobody Cares" / video:

(title graphic and peppy music)

(Anthony Weiner, at a lectern, conceding his loss last night): "I have to say, ladies and gentlemen..."

(title graphic and peppy music)

••• US Open Tennis wrapped up this week. Now what do people do? Here's one programming suggestion:
(title graphic and rock music)

(voice-over): "The 2013 US Open is history. Relive the thrills, the drama and the action with US Open Towel Highlights."

(clips): players using white towels

(voice-over): "The world's best players. Soft, absorbent cotton towels. Wiping. Mopping. Dabbing. A full hour of unforgettable moments. US Open Towel Highlights. Tomorrow night, only on CBS."

(graphic, CBS logo and peppy music)

••• Dave saw something strange during Barack Obama's address to the nation last night about blowing up Syria: We see a grand hallway behind him. A lady under a blue cover sits down at a beauty parlor hair dryer. ••• "Recap of President Obama's Address on Syria" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(edited snippets, with Obama behind the presidential lectern): "My fellow Americans... Bashar Al-Assad... is... an... overwhelming..."

(title graphic and dramatic music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Have you tried kettle-cooked potato chips? They're just like potato chips cooked in a pot or a vat -- except they're cooked in a kettle!" / a plug for Advil® ••• desk chat:
  1. People in NYC have post-election fever.

  2. Dave: "And then President Obama last night, with a speech on Syria. My position on this all along has been, you get that Bashar Al-Assad. Maybe you run a little scam on the guy. Tell him he's won a new flat screen TV. All he's gotta do is show up at the airport. He shows up to claim his flat screen TV, and then you kill him! That's been my position. And I called it in to the State Department, but I didn't hear the president talkin' about it last night. And then, so then he says, 'So this is what we're gonna do,' but now, instead of doing that now, we're gonna put that on the back burner. And our good friend, Vladimir Putin, has got a thing - and hang onto your wallets there, kids. Vladimir Putin has got a thing, so we're gonna do it that way. And so I thought, 'Hmm. Well, that's not really killing him, is it?' "
••• Jerry Foley opens the Top Ten montage, then Dave has a little discussion about Anthony Weiner. He was doing OK in the primary race for mayor, until Carlos Danger appeared, and he started texting and twixting and selfing pictures of Carlos Danger. / Top Ten Anthony Weiner Future Plans (with an entry for the audience people from Albuquerque, and a clip of Anthony Weiner playing drums with his wiener) ••• Joseph Gordon-Levitt plugs Don Jon. ••• Keith Olbermann, who's wearing the same tie as Dave, plugs his latest show, Olbermann on ESPN-2. He and Dave have a discussion about brain injuries in the NFL. ••• bumper: It's a Backstage Photo Club card for Biff Henderson, who needs no introduction. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "We'll be right back with the amazing true story of a dog that traveled over 200 miles to get a document notarized!" ••• more Keith Olbermann ••• Keith Urban sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/12/13 [3905]: Hey, who's the impostor who ran across the stage before Dave? My guess of Jay Johnson was right. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Chip from Houston. ••• monologue:

(Dave): "I don't know if you know this or not, but it's quite a week for me, because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller, Anthony Weiner lost his race for New York City mayor... that's right. So that means I am back to being New York City's biggest embarrassment."
••• interruption: Biff Henderson comes out with a handheld microphone. / It goes very much like this:
(Biff): "Dave..."

(Dave): "Oh, hi, Biff. How're ya doin'?"

(Biff): "Good. Here you go, Dave." (trying to hand the microphone to the boss)

(Dave): "What's that? You'e got a microphone. Oh, no, I don't... I don't need the microphone. I have a microphone. I never use... that's fine. Thanks."

(Biff): "You sure?"

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. Thirty years, I've never used... no, I have a..." (pats his lapel microphone) "Right there. Thanks, anyway."

(Biff): "Seemed kinda quiet in here. I thought maybe people couldn't hear you."

(Biff turns and exits the stage.)

••• "Memorable Presidential War Speeches" / video:
(title graphic and Freeplay music)

(voice-over): "November 3rd, 1969."

(Richard Nixon): "The question facing us today is... now that we are in the war, what is the best way to end it?"

(voice-over): "November 27th, 1985."

(Bill Clinton): "People all around the world... are now looking to America for leadership. So let us lead."

(voice-over): "April 17th, 2008."

(George W. Bush): "So long as I'm the president, my measure of success is victory — and success."

(title graphic)

••• CBS Sports has a fine new innovation. / video;
(voice-over and clips): "We were the first network to broadcast the NFL in high definition. We were the first network to put microphones on coaches. And now, the NFL on CBS is proud to announce our newest innovation: seasoned sports commentators on the actual field of play."

(close up of commentator on the field... looks like Jay Johnson): "Back to pass." (lineman takes him out) "Ughh. Help! My nuts! Help me!"

(NFL logo and voice-over): "The NFL on CBS: We'll see you on the field."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / a plug for T Mobile ••• desk chat:
Michelle Obama called Dave. She requested his help with her latest health crusade: getting people to drink eight to 14 glasses of water per day. Dave says when he drinks something, we wants something to happen. (You can take that however you want.) Dave runs a short video message from Ma Obama. Then he and Paul drink H2O from imprinted clear glasses. Alan Kalter joins them. Dave's guests, Alec and Toni, will, too.
••• Top Ten Things Never Before Said by a Pope / #10: "Between you and me, Moses was a blowhard." •••
Alec Baldwin plugs his upcoming Up Late with Alec Baldwin. He'll get 20 minutes this evening. Dave gets to show Alec's 20-day-old baby daughter, in a photo he and Hilaria granted to People Weekly for charity. (They kept Ireland, who's 17 now.) So... Alec's a 55-year-old daddy. Dave persuades Alec to talk about his various adventures with photographers, including the one ne'er-do-well who fell on a friend's baby while trying to get a picture of him.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "60% of alligators are under the impression they're crocodiles." ••• more Alec Baldwin ••• Toni Collette plugs her brand new show, Hostages. Who knew she's Australian? I had no idea. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/13/13 [3906]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Andy from Atlanta. Apparently he's fascinated with Friday the 13th. ••• The president's chief of staff is powerful, because of his access. Here's a doctored excerpt from The President's Gatekeepers. / video:

(title graphic)

(Rahm Emanuel): "If it's good and bad, somebody else will handle it. All the stuff that gets into the Oval Office is between bad and worse."

(Leon Panetta): "Chief of staff just has to be willing to, uh, to tell the president... the truth."

(bogus guy): "If W. made it all the way through a CIA briefing, we gave him a gum ball."

(title graphic)

••• The Manning brothers will face each other on the field on Sunday. It's the Broncos vs. the Giants in the Manning Bowl. Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama to warn him to not intervene. / Photoshop fun: We see Putin on the cover of Good Housekeeping, in which we'll find his recipe for Putin's Rootin' Tootin' Potato Salad. ••• Here's another doctored excerpt from The President's Gatekeepers on The Discover Channel. / video:
(title graphic)

(not sure who he is): "You are sitting next to the most powerful position in the world."

(William Daley): "You could very well make the argument that White House Chief of Staff is the second-most-powerful job in government."

(bogus guy): "President Ford and I spent hours in the Oval Office... brushing each other's hair."

(title graphic)

••• Dave has another audience shout out for someone from Michigan. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Extension cords? Why don't they just make the electric outlets closer to things?" / a plug for Red Lobster® ••• desk chat:
  1. "Now we were talking about this Syrian situation, and my position from the beginning was: you gas your own people, you should be killed." Then John Kerry got involved, and Putin started writing newspaper articles, and people say Obama was flip-flopping. Dave says Obama knows exactly what he's doing, and something good will come of this, and he will be a hero. Meanwhile, Putin's shooting off his mouth.

  2. Dave shows a copy of yesterday's New York Times, and the opinion piece from none other than Putin, "A Plea for Caution from Russia." Dave has a mini-rant: "This is a former Commie. This is the head of the Red Menace. This is the guy, right here. He was part of the KGB. This is the guy that would put Strontium-90 in your pudding." Dave concludes with, "He's a red Commie bastard."
•••
Let's get to the bottom of this Syria situation, and how better to do so than another visit with CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent, Graham Fenwick-Jones? (video) The challenge, of course, is that Graham speaks British and not American, and we struggle a bit to understand the old fellow. At least I got as far as, "Thank you, Dave. Good evening." Off the record, Graham considers Putin to be, "a bit of a big girl's blouse." (For a complete transcript of Graham's gibberish, march yourself over to today's Wahoo Gazette. I couldn't have translated his British in 25 years!)

Here's another reason to read the Wahoo Gazette. Graham Fenwick-Jones is now known to be James A. Stephens, a veteran of All My Children.

••• NBC has a new game show, The Million Second Quiz, a Ryan Seacrest production, and the most-complicated game show in the history of civilization. Dave gives it 1½ weeks. / Top Ten Least Popular Game Shows ••• Dr. Phil plugs his #1-rated show, Dr. Phil. I thought this was one of the best of Dr. Phil's visits. He tells us about a fan encounter somewhere, when he was mistaken for Dabney Coleman. Anyway, Dr. Phil can take Dave's jabs, and he can dish them out. ••• bumper: It's another Backstage Photo Club card. This one has long-time audio guy Al Norwood and costume designer Sue Hum. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
Tom Dreesen plugs his "I Knew Frank Sinatra" show, or whatever it's called. We somehow got by for 126 days without a visit. Tom has just discovered that Wylie High School in Abilene, Texas uses a joke he told in 1977 on a Dean Martin roast as their slogan or battle cry. (link) At least it's a break from hearing about Tom opening for Frank Sinatra for 13 years.
••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/16/13: REPEAT FROM 8/20/13

9/17/13: REPEAT FROM 8/29/13

9/18/13: REPEAT FROM 7/30/13

9/19/13: REPEAT FROM 8/21/13

9/20/13: REPEAT FROM 9/10/13

9/23/13 [3907]: Dave has a shout out for newlyweds in the audience. ••• "United States Congress Finding Common Ground" / video:

(title graphic)

(Rep. Leonard Bowell D-IA): "I love horses."

(Rep. Louis Gohmert R-TX): "I love horses."

(Rep. Steven Latourette R-OH): "I love monkeys."

(FX): X and Late Show "no" buzzer

(title graphic)

••• interruption: Legendary Late Show costume designer Sue Hum appears at Dave's monologue mark. Sue didn't get the memo about the Emmys (or lack thereof). Here's what happens.
(Dave): "Oh, hi, Sue. How are you? Ladies and gentlemen, here's the Late Show costume designer, Sue Hum. She's come out to... How're you doin', Sue?"

(Sue): "Try this on... this tuxedo on."

(Dave): "I'm sorry. Try the what?"

(Sue): "Try this tuxedo on. If it needs alteration..."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Sue): "...we only have a few days left."

(Dave): "A few days left to get it altered, huh? What... what is that for, exactly... the tuxedo?"

(Sue): "Your big trip to the Emmys!"

(Dave): "Oh. Um, now, the Emmys were last night, but thank you very much. We don't need it. It was last night."

(Sue): "Oh, no! What did you wear?"

(Dave): "Well, I didn't go."

(Sue): "Then who accepted the award?"

(Dave): "We... we didn't win anything. We weren't nominated for anything."

(Sue): "Wow! That's jiggy!"

(Dave): "It certainly is, but... I appreciate your concern in having your pulse on the finger of entertainment activities."

(Sue): "Well, you're welcome. Should I still have the tuxedo pressed?"

(Dave): "Yes, I would. I'd have it pressed."

(Sue): "You've got it! Hey... congratulations!"

(Dave): "Thank you. Thank you!"

(Sue exits the premises.)

••• Now here's something for the ladies: It's nine photos of a shirtless Vladimir Putin, out doing manly stuff like fishing, shooting at stuff and riding a hoss, set to dance music. He kissed a dolphin, too. I guess that's manly, if you have your shirt off while doing so. (Are there dolphins in Russia?) / video ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "TV Trivia" / a plug for Sears® ••• desk chat:
Serena Williams was in on August 22, and Dave made some comments about a family vacation to Paris on one of his birthdays, as she lives part-time in Paris. The Letterman clan stayed at the Ritz at 15 Place Vendôme (as did the horn section). Dave opined to Serena that the place was a dump, and he was treated like he was delivering meat. By the way, it was a little pricey. Guess what! The Ritzy people found out about it, and fired off a fancy, handwritten letter. Dave reads part of it.
Dear Monsieur Letterman,

With great disappointment, we witnessed on your show on August 22nd that you did not have the best of stays at the Ritz Paris. However, we are still big fans of your show, and will continue to watch with enthusiasm. (Dave: "This show is not seen in France.") We hope that you will accept our sincere apologies, and this monogrammed bathrobe until our grand re-opening... (Dave: "Oh, see, this is the problem. Their grand re-opening in 2014. Apparently I stayed there when it was closed. Common mistake.") With best wishes from Place Vendôme,

Christian Boyens and the Ritz Team.

Dave steps offstage, puts on the handsome robe and models it. It's a very nice item.
•••
Bill Clinton, in his ninth visit with Dave, discusses his Clinton Global Initiative, which focuses on such things as applying modern technology to provide clean drinking water. He and Dave have the usual health talk. He won't commit on whether Hillary will run for President. (She's supposed to be finishing a book.) Mr. Clinton gives an detailed run-down on the Syrian situation, and the various possible solutions. I didn't vote for him, but I've been in the same room with him. He is unbelievably smart, and although I'm more of an isolationist, I think we should listen to his point of view. He definitely has the ability to explain a complex situation in layman's terms.
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Bill Clinton ••• Tired Pony sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• In Memoriam bumper for Benny Williams, 1969 - 2013 [Steve Young reports that Benny, as an NYPD officer, helped with security outside the Ed Sullivan Theater. He was taken by a heart attack over the weekend.] ••• [edited from tonight's show, and a web exclusive: Top Ten Things Overheard During the Live Birth on the Today Show

9/24/13 [3908]: [Tonight we'll enjoy a good supply of "opening session of the U.N." material.] ••• monologue: "Every session there's a special promotion. Tomorrow is Angela Merkel Bobblehead Day." ••• "Would That Joke Be Funnier in Turkish?" /

(title graphic and a slightly pepped-up Turkish National Anthem)

A Turkish interpreter appears by Dave. He speaks. We presume it's Turkish. I'm calling it 15% funnier than in English. Anton gives him a rim shot, at least.

(title graphic and a slightly pepped-up Turkish National Anthem)

••• We go live to the United Nations. / video:
A gent is speaking to the General Body.

(female voice-over): "Now it's time to honor those that are no longer with us."

(black screen): "In Memoriam" and sad music

(clips): Hugo Chavez, Jorge Rafael Videla, Jean Stapleton, Fidel Castro

(disclaimer added under Fidel's name): "Close enough to make the list."

(me): What a tearjerker that was.

••• Our pal Opie Howard is the director of a soon-to-be-released movie, Rush, "a re-creation of the merciless 1970s rivalry between Formula One rivals James Hunt and Niki Lauda," says IMDB. / video:
(racing clip and voice-over): "Ron Howard brings to life the incredible true story about how professional racing was forever changed by one man."

(doctored face of Rush Limbaugh opining in a racing helmet): "We're certainly not going to eradicate poverty by creating dependency!"

(clip): a blockbuster racing accident

(voice-over): "Rush. Coming soon."

••• Here's some more U.N. action: the opening ceremony. / video:
(scene): the General Assembly

(female voice-over): "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 68th annual United Nations General Assembly. And now your host, Neil Patrick Harris."

(clip from Sunday's Emmy Awards): Neil Patrick Harris appears onstage via a small platform rising from below.

(Cue pretentious award show music.)

(new clip): Delegates all applaud. They love the guy!

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Here's the problem with self-adhesive postage stamps. We've now got a generation of Americans who don't know how to lick things." / a plug for American Express® ••• desk chat:
  1. A guy from Canada demanded a sandwich. Biff comes onstage with an $8.45 pastrami sandwich for the rascal.

  2. The New York Giants won the Super Bowl twice with Eli Manning. Now they've started the season 0-3. Dave called up Coach Coughlin. It seems the budget isn't what it used to be. Players have to share helmets.

  3. Meanwhile, the Jets are 2-1. The fans are on fire! Dave shows a photo of a Jets fan outside today. He has the Jets logo shaved into his hair!

  4. Alan interrupts. He says, "I did the same thing! I asked my assistant to shave a Jets logo into my hair." Jerry Foley cuts to a shot of the back of Alan's head. The assistant did very neat work, but it clearly says "ASSHAT." Nobody's mentioning this to Alan, OK?
••• Jerry opens the TTL montage. / In keeping with the U.N. theme, Alan says,
"Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Foreigner Earphones®. Specially designed for foreign ears. Clear reproduction of both English and languages spoken by foreigners. Foreigner Earphones®. Available at Radio Shed®. And now, here's Gene Rayburn!"
••• Burger King® rolled out new french fries today. / Top Ten New Fast Food Products / #10: Arterial Plaque Tenders •••
Cher drops by to plug her new album, Closer to the Truth. The CBSO plays "My Country 'Tis of Thee," and Cher is lowered to the stage on a swing, with plenty of fog and spotlights. You never know what you're going to get when Cher's in the house, except that if you want an honest, no-holds-barred interview, she'll deliver. For example, when Dave asked her about departed musicians she knew, Cher tells about some, then says, "I don't know, but sometimes the best thing you can do for your career is die." You know, I think she's onto something. Dave and Cher have a great discussion about the Rolling Stones and The Beatles. Cher loves Brian Wilson, who lived down the street. She says, "He was a lovely man, not meant to navigate this particular universe."
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Cher (who declines to do any Miley Cyrus twerking during her musical number in the next act) ••• Cher sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Lizzy Caplan was bumped to tomorrow.]

9/25/13 [3909]: [This is a very fine episode. Be a part of it, when it comes to your area.] ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to Kippy. ••• [Last night was Mariano Rivera Bobblehead Night at Yankee Stadium, but the 18,000 trinkets didn't arrive before the game. Pandemonium ensued.] ••• animation: The Statue of Liberty is now a bobblehead. ••• FX fun: A "1998 Emmy Award Winner" graphic appears by Dave at his monologue mark. ••• [Senator Ted Cruz of Texas has just finished a 21-hour filibuster in the Senate.] / video of the Senator getting a little weird after a few hours:

(clip): Senator Cruz with a ventriloquist's dummy

(voice-over by Mr. Wahoo, Michael Z. McIntee): "Then the Obamacare doctor said, 'The bad news is, you have six months to live.' I asked him, 'What's the good news?' He said, 'I'm nailing the nurse.' "

(FX): rim shot

••• interruption: Stagehand Tommy O'Brien (who we all remember as The Late Show Bear) shows up beside Dave. Here's what happens.
Tommy has a very noticeable hump at the top of his back. He faces Dave, so we all get a good look.

(Tommy): "Dave! Guess what day it is."

(Dave): "Hi, Tommy. How are you?"

(Tommy): "Guess what day it is."

(Dave): "Huh? What?"

(Tommy): "Guess what day it is."

(Dave, smiling): "What? OK, I... No, come on. Don't... don't make me. I don't want to. No. What do you want? Want me to guess what day?"

(Tommy): "What day is it?"

(Dave): "What day is it today? Aw, come on. Don't make me. OK... it's Hump Day."

(Tommy): "Nooo. It's my birthday."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Tommy): "Thanks for makin' me feel bad, you inconsiderate prick."

(Dave): "OK."

(Tommy turns and exits the stage.)

(Dave): "He looked like he'd been shoplifting at Patagonia."

••• It's more fun with the United Nations opening day. How about an opening day promo, done as a movie trailer? / video:
(graphic): United Nations insignia

(voice-over): "For more than 60 years, leaders from across the globe have met in one place."

(inside shot of the UN, and another insignia, with dramatic music)

(voice-over): "This week, the excitement begins."

(dead silence... well, except the audience laughing)

(clip): the delegates from Peru, bored out of their minds

(voice-over): "Can..."

(clip): the delegates from the United Kingdom, bored out of their minds

(voice-over): "...you..."

(clip): the delegates from Argentina, bored out of their minds

(voice-over): "...handle it?"

(clip): a delegate from Nicaragua, bored out of his mind

(graphic and voice-over): "The 68th Annual General Assembly Debate, September 2013."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Health Tip": "Get a flu shot. It's good for you, and you can always steal a few Band-Aids." / a plug for Applebee's® ••• [There's no desk chat tonight... too much other fun.] ••• Award-winning soprano Renée Fleming sings the Top Ten Opera Tips. It's an instant classic Top Ten. ••• Rockin' Robin Williams plugs his new show on CBS, The Crazy Ones. It premieres tomorrow night! ••• bumper: Backstage Photo Club: Steve Kaufman ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Lizzy Caplan plugs her new show, Masters of Sex. (It's about Masters and Johnson, the inventors of sex.) ••• Icona Pop sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/26/13 [3910]: [Tonight only, right here on our stage: Mr. Letterman will perform tonight's entire program without a helmet.] ••• [It's National Pancake Day.] /

monologue: "In honor of National Pancake Day, New Jersey governor/mayor/governor Chris Christie... Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey announced the construction of a maple syrup pipeline from Vermont."
••• [Again tonight we have a look at the Yankees' Mariano Rivera Bobblehead Doll Night, which would have been quite a fine event, recognizing Rivera's retirement, except that the dolls didn't show up.] / Here's exclusive, bogus footage from CNN:
(clip): Yankee Stadium crowd

(voice-over): "Chaos erupted at Yankee Stadium last night, after officials were unable to hand out Mariano Rivera bobblehead dolls. In order to placate angry spectators, Rivera himself had to take the mound and wiggle his head."

(FX): The animator wiggles Rivera's head sideways (or should I say bobbles his head sideways?).

(the crowd): goes nuts

(CNN logo and voice-over): "More news after this."

••• "Now He's Crossed the Line" is a new Late Show segment. / video:
(title graphic and goofy cartoon music)

(Fox & Friends reporter babe): "O. J. Simpson busted again, this time for stealing cookies."

(photo): O. J., all chained up

(title graphic and goofy cartoon music)

••• monologue:
"O. J.: Have you seen him lately? I don't know that you would have seen him lately, but he's gotten fat. Yup, yup yup. And if the pants don't fit, you must acquit."
••• Everyone's favorite dictator, Vladimir Putin, didn't come to the United Nations opening sessions. (He needed to stay home and not wear a shirt.) / Just what was he doing instead? We find him at a high school in Moscow. / doctored video:
There he is, alright. He's in front of a classroom, at a high-tech board you can draw on with your index finger. Vladimir draws himself as a muscle man, showing off his biceps. Under his caricature, he writes "Pooty."
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights / a plug for Kellogg's® Rice Krispies (They're easy on your tummy.) ••• desk chat:
  1. Robin Wiliams was on last night, and tonight we have Johnny Galecki.

  2. Dave announces his new prime time show. We had no idea! It's a high-tech drama. The genre's sometimes called a procedural. Dave has his fingers crossed in hopes that we like it. / trailer:
(black screen graphics and deep, serious voice-over): "This fall on CBS: Technology is about to change life as we know it."

(futuristic clips)

(voice-over): "Dave Letterman stars as the ultimate fusion of man and machine."

(Dave in a USPS employee shirt)

(voice-over): "U.S. Postal Service employee Brad Kepner: the first human to have an electronic postal scale implanted in his brain."

(clip): A fellow employee lays a letter on top of Dave's head. Dave, speaking as if he's the fusion of man and machine, says, "2.3 ounces. First Class postage. 86 cents."

(graphic): "Mail Head: Tuesdays at nine, on CBS."

••• Top Ten O. J. Simpson Excuses (for stealing cookies in prison) / #6: "It will all be explained in my upcoming book, If I Ate It." •••
Bono visits with Dave about his philanthropic activities, including ONE and (RED). ONE fights poverty, and (RED)™ fights HIV and AIDS. Bono tells Dave about a brief encounter with the late Sonny Bono, years ago, when Sonny informed him in parting, "It's Bono." (with a long O)
••• Johnny "Lightning" Galecki plugs The Big Bang Theory, or The Big Band Theory, as Dave likes to call it. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Johnny Galecki: Johnny steps over to a green screen to re-enact getting zapped by lightning. ••• Kings of Leon sing. ••• [Kings of Leon did a Live on Letterman webcast at 9 ET.]

9/27/13 [3911]: It's a rare viewer shout out, to audience members' kids, Connor and Daniel. ••• We're near the end of the first week with U.N. delegates back in New York. / "United Nations Stimulating the Economy" / video:

(title graphic and jazzy theme song)

(CNN interview with Joe Goncalves, manager, Cheetahs Gentlemen's Club): "We had one of our best weekends, over this past weekend. Did it have... And we had a lot of foreign people come into the club!"

(title graphic and jazzy theme song)

••• Yes, we're nearing the end of the first week back for the U.N., but there's still lots going on. Just look at the U.N. Guide Channel. / video:
(Chyron, female voice-over and dentist's office music):

"8 AM SEMINAR: "BORDER DISPUTES FOR BEGINNERS"

9 AM   CHARACTER BREAKFAST, MAIN CAFETERIA

10 AM   SQUARE DANCING CLINIC, KOFI ANNAN ROOM

11 AM   SPEECH BY TONY ROBBINS: "BE A GREAT COUNTRY!"

NOON WORKSHOP: "ADVANCED CORRUPTION TECHNIQUES"

1 PM   MIDDLE EAST KARAOKE SEMI-FINALS

2 PM   "IS YOUR FLAG LAME?"

••• [The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation awards annual genius grants to researchers and creative people. There were 24 this year.] / "People Who Didn't Win Genius Grants" / video:
(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

We see Todd Seda, assistant cue card technician, green-screened in front of a fancy kitchen.

(voice-over): "The invention of the Lasagna Hat."

(clip): A proud Todd places a large, rectangular serving of lasagna on his head. Success! Todd will be needing a shampoo.

(title graphic and pretentious awards show music)

••• [Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) had his 21-hour filibuster this week. I forget what it was about.] / "United States Senate History" / video:
(title graphic and classical music)

(Ted Cruz clip)

(voice-over): "Texas Senator Ted Cruz delivered a 21-hour speech on the floor of the United States Senate."

(photo): United States Capitol

(document): "United States Senate Rules & Regulations"

(voice-over): "A demonstration of a Senate rule, established in 1806, which reads, 'The Senate shall allow any Senator to speak, even if he is a half-baked jackass.' "

(title graphic and classical music)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "By flying a kite in a thunderstorm, Ben Franklin invented wet kites." / a plug for Cottonelle® ••• I'm wondering if Ben Franklin also invented the wet t-shirt. I'll get back to you on that. ••• October 1 is supposedly the Fiscal Cliff... the deadline for refunding the federal government to avoid a shutdown. At a time such as this, it's helpful to have CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones to analyze the situation. He joins us from London. / split screen with Dave and Graham / Since I don't have a spare 50 years, I'll not be transcribing his comments, but here's video. ••• Top Ten Non-Essential Government Agencies / #10: Federal Grab-Ass Administration •••
Steve Martin's back for another fun interview with Dave. (He's five years older than me. I was born on 8-14-50, and Steve was born on 8-14-45.) Steve has brought material. He has a documentary on a recent diet: "Steve's Super 8-Week Weight Loss Diet." / There was a bit of a dark side, as we see a starving Steve dining from his dog's bowl, but in the end, the eight weeks of self-discipline were worth it. Steve lost 16 ounces.

That's not all for Steve. He has a new XBOX 360™ game: "Grand Theft Banjo." / animation: Steve's playing banjo, and a mean guy swipes it.

Tonight we'll have the presentation of this year's Steve Martin Prize for Excellence in Banjo and Bluegrass. This year's recipient is Jens Krüger, who as a boy learned banjo chords with only the neck of a banjo.

••• "Backstage Photo Club" bumper: It's Pat Farmer, who certainly needs to introduction in these here parts. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan: "Man, do I love the sound of my own voice." ••• Kathleen Madigan does stand-up. I'm calling it now: her final Late Show appearance. ••• Steve Martin with The Krüger Brothers ••• full credits ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

9/30/13 [3912]: Tonight's audience shout out is an on-air answer to a preshow question: Why two guest chairs? Kardashians, that's why. ••• [Apparently there was a season finale of something called Breaking Bad last night. I don't know what it was. I seem to be the only one who doesn't know.] / "Recent Television Series Finales" / video:

(title graphic)

(voice-over): "Dexter." / clip: "Is she going to recover?"

(voice-over): "Breaking Bad. / clip: "I liked it. I was good at it."

(voice-over): "Late Show with David Letterman. / cut to Dave, live, puzzled: "I'm sorry... what? What?"

(voice-over): "This has been recent television series finales."

(title graphic)

••• monologue:
"Now those are shows that are wrapping up their season finales. New shows, beginning, for example, on Showtime... I don't know if you saw it, the Masters and Johnson show, on Showtime? These people, Masters and Johnson, were early pioneers of sex. I mean, they were really way, way back in the dark ages of sex. As a matter of fact, they only got to the B Spot. That's as far as they could... and then... only got... but it takes place in the 1950s, which is, coincidentally, when I figured out how to master my johnson."
••• [It's week two of U.N. opening jokes. Here we go.] / "U.N. General Assembly Impressionist Week" / video:
(voice-over): "The General Assembly is winding down, but the fun is just beginning at the United Nations. This week, all your favorite world leaders take the stage during U.N. General Assembly Impressionist Week! Don't miss Viktor Yanukovych's Clint Eastwood."

(Victor, in Russian): "Go ahead, make my day."

(voice-over): "François Hollande's Charlton Heston."

(François)": Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape."

(voice-over): "And Sebastian Piñera Echenique's Christian Bale."

(Sebastian): "I'm Batman."

(voice-over): "U.N. General Assembly Impressionist Week. Happening now!"

(title graphic)

••• Gene Szymanski shows up at Dave's mark. He always make the most of these interruptions. It goes exactly like this.
(Dave): "Oh, hi, Gene. Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Szymanski. How're you doin', Gene? What's goin' on?"

(Gene): "Hey Dave, listen, I'm gonna get out of here."

(Dave): "Uh huh."

(Gene): "Government shutdown."

(Dave): "Oh, yeah. The government shutdown. Oh, my God. Well, I don't think that's happened yet. It happens tomorrow, I think, maybe."

(Gene): "But if it does, forget about it. Forget about it. The subway. The trains. We won't be able to get home. Everything goes dark. We have to get out while we can."

(Dave): "No cabs?"

(Gene): "No cabs. Nothin'."

(me): "No phone. No lights. No motorcars. Not a single luxury. Like Robinson Crusoe. It's primitive as can be."

(Dave): "OK. Well, you... you better hurry off, there. In fact, once the show ends, I'm..."

Gene, getting a little emotional, extends his powerful arms toward Dave for a goodbye hug.

(Dave, raising a hand): "No. No, Gene. That's... No. I'll be right behind you."

(Gene): "That's smart. Really smart."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm."

(Gene): "Well, let me get out of here. You take care of yourself."

(Dave): "Alright."

••• "Ways a Government Shutdown Would Affect Americans" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over): "If the United States government shuts down, national parks will be closed,"

(FX): CLOSED stamp

(voice-over): "National museums will be closed,"

(FX): CLOSED stamp

(voice-over): "and national zoos will be closed. Therefore, until an agreement is reached, thousands of zoo animals will be let loose."

(clips of zoo animals let loose, wreaking havoc... such as elephants walking on cars, and the deer attacking a hunter)

(title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'Ways a Government Shutdown Would Affect Americans.' "

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tech Tip": "Avoid the anguish of lost toast. Back up your toaster frequently." / a plug for Toyota® ••• desk chat:
Dave's enjoying the beautiful autumnal weather. Dave has a family: a nice lady who plays his wife, soon-to-be 10 (on Nov. 3) Harry, and their 3½-year-old, 92-pound dog, Sully, who is Dave's best friend. Everything in the family is hunky-dory. OK... there has been a bit of a problem with Sully barking at car tires when he believes the family is about to leave. Dave doesn't want Sully to chase the car and get hurt, so he lectures Sully sternly when this happens. Sully loves the frisbee... loves to chase it and retrieve it. In fact, Dave claims that Sully barks at the round clock in the house, because he thinks it's a frisbee. (At this point, Dave reminds us that Sully killed a deer in October of last year.) After retrieving a frisbee yesterday, Dave reports of Sully, "So, like on the second throw, he takes it back to my son. My son says, 'No, go give that to Dave.' "

Dave turns from Paul to the camera and points at the home viewers. He continues, "The dog walks over to me, stands right next to me, the frisbee in his mouth, lifts his hind leg and takes a leak all over my pants. A soaking-hot, dripping-down-into-my-sock, in-my-shoe, and above-body-temperature urination. That little weasel! That little beady-eyed mutt!"

••• Top Ten Things Overheard on the Obama-Rouhani Phone Call (with a screwdriver being supported mid-air by compressed air) ••• Dave shows the usual bogus picture of Sully. ••• Sean Hayes arrives to plug Sean Saves the World with a stunt. He was up in the balcony. He jumps off and lands in the middle of a giant airbag. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" bumper: Andy Kindler and Jeremy Weiner ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sean Hayes' entry stunt is replayed. ••• Sting interview ••• Sting sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Sean Hayes' entry stunt is repeated again.

10/01/13 [3913]: [This is the day we've all been waiting for. The federal government kinda sorta shut down today.] ••• Dave: "800,000 nonessential government employees were let go. Well, isn't that the problem: 800,000 nonessential employees? Get 'em out of here!" ••• All the national momuments are closed. Anybody go to the harbor today? / Photoshop fun: the Statue of Liberty's covered with a blue tarp. ••• With the government shutdown, the first thing they did was make a PSA about it. / video:

(photo): the United States Capitol

(voice-over): "In the event of a government shutdown, we wish to assure citizens..."

(Photoshop fun): the United States Department of Closed headquarters building

(voice-over): "...the U.S. Department of Closed will remain open."

(FX): It's hard times. Instead of an FX "boing," the voice-over guy just says it.

(voice-over): "A message from your federal government."

••• Barack Obama won't talk to Republicans, but he got on the phone with the new evil dictator of Iran, Hassan Rouhani. It was awkward. / video:
(FX): ringing phone

(automated phone system lady): "Hello, you have reached the White House. To continue in English, press or say one."

(Rouhani): "One."

(automated phone system lady): "Okay, please say the name of the White House department you're trying to reach."

(Rouhani): "Oval Office."

(automated phone system lady): "I'm sorry, I didn't get that."

(Rouhani): "President Obama."

(automated phone system lady): "Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe. Is that right?"

(Rouhani): "No."

(automated phone system lady): "I'm sorry you're having difficulty. If you wish to speak to an operator, say "representative."

(Rouhani): "Representative."

(automated phone system lady): "Did you know the White House has a website?

(Rouhani): "Representative."

(automated phone system lady): "Just go to www.whitehouse.gov."

(Rouhani): "Representative!! Representative!!!"

(automated phone system lady): "One moment."

(FX): dial tone

(Rouhani, to himself): "Son of a bitch!"

••• interruption: A blonde lady appears at Dave's mark. It's not Kathy Mavrikakis. Who is this?"
(Dave): "Hi."

(lady): "Hi."

(Dave): "I'm Dave."

(lady): "Hi."

(Dave): "That's Paul, right over there."

(Paul): "Oh, hello. Nice to see you."

(lady): "Hi! Good to see you."

(Dave): "You know what? I don't know what they told you backstage, but we're right in the middle of a show."

(lady): "Oh, I'm sorry, Dave. If I may, I just wanted to say that it's imperative that members of the United States Congress negotiate a long-term budget agreement, so that American treasures, such as our gorgeous national parks, can reopen."

(Dave, applauding): "Oh, that's a good point. I think she's exactly... That's a very good point. I think probably all of the national parks are closed, and we've gotta get back together to open 'em, because they truly are treasures, and are you...? Who are you, exactly?"

(lady): "Oh, I'm a Yellowstone National Park prostitute."

(lady, to the CBSO and the audience): "Goodnight, everyone."

(Dave): speechless for a bit, but smiling

••• Here's a video about how Obamacare works.
(voice-over): "Many Americans are confused about how Obamacare will affect their health coverage, but there are a few important things that won't change. Under Obamacare, you'll still be able to see the same doctor. You'll still receive the same, great medical care. And before every appointment, you'll still be required to wait for an hour in your underpants."

(clip): It's a retirement-aged gent in his underpants, sitting on an examining table.

(voice-over): "Obamacare: The doctor will be with you shortly."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights, and "Household Hint": "The holes in Swiss cheese are great for storing small items." / a plug for Mercedes-Benz® ••• "In Case You Missed Last Night's Show" / It's Dave barking while describing what the family dog, Sully, does to car tires. (video) ••• "New Fall Shows" /
  • Crease and Desist: Process server Melvin Flamp, played by Richard Kind, is always on-the-go, delivering subpoenas to unlicensed dry cleaners accused of improperly pressing pants.

  • Dodo Dynasty: the real-life adventures of a clan of self-proclaimed rednecks who develop a call to lure dodos, a bird which has been extinct since the 17th Century

  • R.S.V.P.: Danny Trejo is a tough wanderer with a dark past, who travels from town to town, intimidating people who haven't responded to invitations.

  • The Girl from A.P.N.E.A.: Fifty years after "The Girl from Ipanema" was immortalized in song, we catch up with her as an elderly woman with a sleep disorder.

  • TSA Match Game: Janet Napolitano hosts this uproarious game show, where TSA agents view naked body scans, then attempt to find matching passengers in the airport terminal.

  • The Wolf Den on CNN: new, nightly program where Wolf Blitzer travels the country, picking fights

  • (This one's a shout out to an audience guy): Yard Dick Beat Down
    [I gave in and looked up yard dick. Supposedly it's a railroad yard security guard, who naturally doesn't care much for hobos.]
••• Top Ten Questions People Have About Obamacare / #6: "Is my deductible waived if I'm beaten by the yard dick?" •••
Sarah Michelle Gellar plugs the new CBS show, The Crazy Ones. She co-stars with Mork from Ork. Apparently Sarah Michelle has a knack for not knowing she's pregnant, and for not knowing she's going to have a baby five minutes after arriving at a hospital. Dave shows a fun picture of her on Late Night, around the age of six, with a piece of lumber fastened to her head. It was from a safety skit, and the idea was this big piece of wood kept her from hurting her head. Of course, if she swung around quickly, she could knock out a nearby kid. She also has a heartwarming story of being trapped in a garage, without any of her family noticing.

[I tried to find Sarah Michelle in my Late Night episode logs, but she would have been on in 1982 or 1983, and I didn't start writing down the episodes until 1985. I'm sure Don Giller has the exact date and time, if I need it.]

••• Nick Offerman plugs his new book, Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man's Principles for Delicious Living. He's the actor who likes to do woodworking. I looked him up. I've never seen anything he's been in. It's time to broaden my horizons. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Nick Offerman ••• First Aid Kit sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/02/13 [3914]: cold open: Dave and Paul are visiting before the show. / video:

(Dave): "Hi, Paul. I've been thinking about something. You and I have been together for 31 years on television every night, and here lately, I can't describe it, but I feel like something is driving us apart. I feel as though something has come between us."

(Paul, animated): "Dave, why would you say such a silly thing? You make it sound like you and I are going to... break up or something. We have never been closer, and there is absolutely no reas..."

(Yoko Ono appears and whispers in Paul's ear.)

(Paul): "What? Oh. It's time to go, dear?"

(Paul rises and takes Yoko's hand.)

(Paul, to Dave): "We have to go."

(Jerry Foley): rolls the opening montage

••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple just back from Dagat. ••• "Benjamin Netanyahu Geopolitical Zinger" / video:
(title graphic and rock 'n roll theme song)

(Benjamin, speechifying): "You see, Rouhani thinks he can have his yellowcake and eat it, too."

(FX): rim shot and aaoogah horn

(The United Nations audience applaud.)

(George H. W. Bush looks at Barbara and smiles.)

••• "Government Shutdown: The Long Term Outlook" / video:
(title graphic and patriotic music)

(voice-over): "Day 1."

(photo): the White House

(voice-over): "Day 30."

(photo): the White House, all discolored and sorry-looking

(voice-over): "Day 100."

(photo): the former White House, now a Quiznos® sub shop

(clip): Quiznos® ad: "Quiznos®: Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm... Toasty!"

••• What are the early days of Obamacare like? / video: Things are going very well. It's a hospital scene (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo says Wahoo Mike), with lots of white-uniformed health care professionals, most doing their favorite dance numbers to disco music. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I think I did something wrong trying to pull out a splinter. Now I've got a pair of tweezers stuck in my foot." / a plug for J. C. Penney ••• With the government shutdown, 800,000 nonessential employees are out of work. That includes our pals at NASA. Since he doesn't have anything else to do, Dr. Morris Trammler, NASA's director of aeronautic research, joins us onstage. He's wearing his official, nonessential aeronautical research, white lab coat. Morris takes out a microphone. Just like Elisabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting, he starts singing the blues.

You know, I got to work at NASA
And all the doors were locked.
So I went back home on furlough
While the politicians talked and talked.
Got those nonessential blues
Baby, probably saw it on the news
Oh, yeah.
I got those nonessential blues
Nobody wins. We all lose.

Good night, my fellow Americans.

••• [That little twerp Justin Bieber has made his way to China. He visited the Great Wall of China, and was carried up the steps of the Great Wall on the shoulders of two bodyguards.] ••• Top Ten Things Going Through Going Through Justin Bieber's Bodyguards' Minds at This Moment / #6: a shout out to an audience couple: "I haven't been this miserable since I spent my honeymoon at the Late Show." ••• Here's more from Dr. Trammler:
I got those nonessential blues
From my head right down to my sensible NASA shoes
Yeah.
Oh yeah, those nonessential blues
Sometimes it feels like I was born to lose.
Yeah.
••• Kerry Washington plugs Scandal. ••• desk chat: Dave fires up the DAVE phone to call the United States government.
"You have reached the United States government. We are currently closed. If you need immediate assistance, please call Canada or Mexico. Thank you, and have a great day."

••• Backstage Photo Club: It's production associate Sarah Eyde. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••

Ariel Tweto, probably the first Eskimo to appear on the Late Show, visits with Dave about her show, Flying Wild Alaska. She's from Unalakleet, Alaska. Her dad is a bush pilot, and she's a pilot, too. She's beautiful and charming, and she has two bandages on her right knee from a jet ski accident. They're not Band-Aid®, however. They're cooler than that. One says "SHARK BITE." [They're from Urban Outfitters.] Obviously Dave is a big fan of the show, and knows all about it.
••• Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band (with The Flaming Lips) sing. The band was fine. Yoko was screeching into a microphone, sounding like a car had just driven over her foot. After the performance, Dave comments, "It's fun when you leave the theater humming the music from the show." ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/03/13 [3915]: [The federal government shutdown is still on the agenda, as you'll see shortly.] ••• "NOOOOOO" / video:

(title graphic and spooky music)

(Steve Asplund, anchor for TV6 Negaunee, MI): "Other federal installations impacted by the shutdown include the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Museum in Grand Rapids..."

(title graphic and spooky music)

••• CNN has a piece on the shutdown, "Republicans vs. Democrats." / video (actually from C-SPAN):
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "What Republicans think about the government..."

(Rep. Tom Cole, R-Okla): "The federal government is too big..."

(Rep. Candice Miller, R-Mich): "Our government is too big..."

(Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala.): "big..."

(Sen. John Barrasso, R-Wyo.): "giant..."

(Sen. Jeff Sessions again): "huge..."

(Sen. Jason Smith, R-Mo.): "enormous..."

(Sen. Jeff Sessions again): "large..."

(Sen. Dan Coats, R-Ind.): "gigantic..."

(Sen. Jeff Sessions again): "colossal..."

(Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Texas): "massive..."

(Sen. Mike Lee, R-Utah): "immense..."

(Sen. Jeff Sessions again): "gargantuan..."

(voice-over): "The Democrats' response..."

(Sen. Harry Reid): "That's what she said."

(FX): rim shot

(voice-over): "Look for Harry Reid's Big Book of Snaps and Yo' Mama Jokes, wherever fine books are sold."

••• interruption: A baseball manager trots out to Dave's mark, along with TV's Tony Mendez, as a catcher.
(manager, to Dave): "You're struggling out here, kid."

(manager, to the catcher): "Does he have anything left?"

(catcher, holding cue cards): "He's running on fumes!"

(Dave): "No, I'm fine. I have plenty left. I can get this next guy. Just leave me alone."

(manager, to Dave): "Alright. I'm gonna go with my gut. Two more."

(manager, to the Cuban catcher): "Dos mas."

(manager, to Dave, patting him on his hind quarters): "Go get 'em, kid!"

(me): The manager played Dr. Arnold Scanlon of the CDC on January 16.

••• Obamacare: Speaker John Boehner signed up at the Bronze level. / Photo: an overly-tanned John Boehner opted for the Bronze. ••• [Mia Farrow has gone on the record in the November Vanity Fair, claiming all kinds of misdeeds by Woody Allen. Then she says her son, Ronan, might be from Frank Sinatra. How about a paternity test?] / video:
(Maury Povich on Maury): "When it comes to 26-year-old Ronan Farrow: Woody Allen, you are not the father!"

(audience cheers)

(Woody): "It's a very sad outcome, and, uh... but I gave it my best shot."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Remember When?": "Remember the 80s, when everyone walked around with a Sony Faxman personal fax machine?" / a plug for Volkswagen Carefree Maintenance ••• "Stupid Human Tricks"
  1. Dan Fox is from Brooklyn. He lays on the stage floor, at the open end of a treadmill, and parallel to it. Positioned along the track are 14 goldfish crackers, in a cute sine wave formation. Dave turns on the contraption. Dan gobbles up 12 of 14 as they swim toward him.

  2. Shane Parus is from Astoria, Queens. He's here to do the common tough-guy trick of crushing an aluminum beverage can against his head, but he has a novel approach. He holds the end of the can squarely against his forehead, and with seven kicks of one leg or another, his shoe smashes that can.

  3. Mark and Marlo Angelo are from Hudson, Ohio. Everybody's played ping pong, but Mark loads up two balls in his mouth. He blows out a ball, and Marlo paddles it back to him. Once they get in a rhythm, Mark's returning a ball as the next one's enroute back to him.

    me: Having to shake hands with people after acts like this is why Dave keeps Purell® at his desk.

••• Brian Williams, one of Dave's top five guests, visits with Dave about the government shutdown, then gives us an update of his knee replacement this past summer, complete with cool x-rays. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
desk chat: Dave visits with Paul about old-time, classic TV shows, like Gunsmoke and Sea Hunt. Then Dave pretends to struggle with the name of one of my favorites from the 1950s, Sky King. (You know, "Out of the blue of the western sky comes Sky King.") / Todd Seda appears to do a plug for bing.com. It looks just like Google to me.
••• It's music from the new documentary Muscle Shoals. The Swampers, Jason Isbell, Candi Staton and John Paul White, are here, and the CBSO's Tom "Bones" Malone, Felicia Collins and Anton Fig are in on it, too. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/04/13 [3916]: Tonight's audience shout outs are to a dentist from Houston. ••• [Here's a Late Show first: "It's so narrow" jokes. They're about a NYC apartment that's 9 feet wide and three stories high. The actual retail price? $3,500,000.] / monologue: "It's so narrow, you cannot play the harmonica." ••• George Will's moving from ABC News to Fox News, and boy, are they ever excited! / promo video:

(graphic): Fox News logo

(voice-over): "It's the most exciting moment in cable news history! George Will is coming to Fox News!"

(exciting George Will clips, interspersed with voice-overs)

(George): "Machiavelli was a contemporary of another man who was no Democrat in temperament or program, but was a precursor of democracy nonetheless. That would be Luther."

(voice-over): "IT..."

(George): "He asserted the primacy of the individual conscience."

(voice-over): "IS..."

(George): "The unmediated access of, uh..."

(voice-over): "ON..."

(George): "He had a kind of Democratic epistemology."

(voice-over): "Will. Fox News. Hell yes."

(graphic): Fox News logo

••• Here's a video promo on the effects of Obamacare.
(voice-over): "Millions of Americans now have health insurance for the very first time. But don't worry about hospital overcrowding."

(hospital scene)

(voice-over): "We've equipped emergency rooms across the nation with thousands of easy-to-use, self-service kiosks."

(clip): A male patient in surgical scrubs and mask is performing an operation on his abdomen or heart, or something in his innards. Oh, no! The poor, untrained bastard just flat-lined! No problem. There's a defibrillator right beside him. He deploys the paddles, and back comes his heartbeat, at a much healthier 70 beats per minute or so... a vast improvement from 0. The happy patient gives a thumbs up.

(voice-over): "The Affordable Care Act. Enroll today!"

•••
[We've learned this week that Mia Farrow shot off her mouth to Vanity Fair about Woody Allen, and whether her kid, Ronan Farrow, might be Frank Sinatra's kid.] The Late Show sent someone over to New Jersey for one of Ronan's high school yearbooks. Jerry Foley brings up Ronan's class page. / Yup. There is it. He's wearing a hat and smoking, and has a big Frank Sinatra smile.
••• Tom Hanks is going to be on next week to plug Captain Phillips, a movie about Somali pirates. It's fascinating and nerve-wracking. Here's a trailer, compliments of Tom himself. /
(female voice-over and clips): "Based on a true story. What happens when a group of armed pirates invade a cargo ship off the coast of Somalia?"

(clip): Tom Hanks and fellow sailors, whooping it up

(female voice-over): "One giant floating party ensues! By any means possible, board a rockin' boat you'll never want to disembark."

(shot of Ted Lange as your bartender)

(ship's PA): "Happy hour on the Lido Deck."

(female voice-over): "Tom Hanks is Captain Phillips. Coming soon."

••• The government shutdown has NASA boarded up. What about the Mars Rover? Check this report from CNN. / video:
(animation): Mars Rover landing and exploration

(voice-over): "Before being shut down, the Mars Rover executed one final maneuver."

(sound of hydraulics)

(animation): An arm on the Rover tilts up, and the Rover gives us all the finger. Yes... that finger. The finger of all fingers. The bird.

(CNN logo / voice-over): "More news, after this."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder: In preparation for the colder weather, be sure to fill your television with antifreeze." / a plug for Kellogg's To Go® ••• There's no desk chat tonight. ••• Dave goes to split screen with CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones to discuss the U.S. government shutdown. Until Graham sees fit to enunciate, you'll just have to watch video. / (link) ••• Top Ten Injuries Covered by Obamacare / It's an awesome collection of mostly YouTube videos of people doing incredibly stupid things. Oh, and there's also the Stupid Pet Tricks clip from 6/16/00, of Dave being bitten on the mouth by a crazed dingo. ••• Tom Selleck plugs Blue Bloods. / There's also a guessing game on how many mustache-free appearances Tom's had on the Late Show. / Alan Kalter announces. The first prize is $100 for Del Frisco's Steak House. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": It's Bill White, video supervisor. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay with us for the heartwarming story of a retired veterinarian who repairs broken animal crackers." ••• Michael Somerville does stand-up. ••• Albert Hammond, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/07/13 [3917]: The New York Giants (thanks in part to the Kansas City Chiefs) are 0-5. / Photoshop fun: It's a ticket to the Oct. 21, 2013 Giants game: "GIANTS LOSE TO VIKINGS" ••• Dave reports that he's always confused, and doesn't understand stuff. He worries that the North American viewing public is, too. / Here's help from msnbc: "That Clears It Up." / video:

(title graphic)

It's Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, sparring with an msnbc host, who's guaranteed to lean left. It's 17 seconds of the two gents talking on top of each other... neither coming up for air.

(title graphic)

••• interruption: A well-dressed government official (OK, writers' assistant Mike Leech, if you must know) appears at Dave's mark. Stand by for comedy.
(government official): "Hi, Dave. I'm a government official."

(Dave): "Really? Is everything OK?"

(government official): "I'm afraid not. We're gonna have to shut you down."

(Dave, smacking his forehead): "Ohhh, nooo."

(audience, devastated): "Awwwwww."

(Dave, exasperated): "Why would you have to shut us down?"

(government official, raising his voice in excitement): "Because you, David Letterman, are a National Treasure!!"

(Dave, smiling): "What?"

(government official, to the audience): "Clap, you idiots!"

(audience, clapping like idiots)

(CBSO): plays a fanfare

(Dave): "No!"

(government official, to Dave): "Take a bow?"

(Mike and Dave bow deeply.)

(Dave, to Mike): "Thank you! Thank you very much!"

(Mike exits the stage.)

••• monologue:
(Dave): "You know who was on the Today Show, singing and twerking and hoppin' around and stuff? Miley Cyrus. That's nice to see that she's getting some attention, isn't it? But the rumor is... and maybe Paul knows more about this... that Miley Cyrus is pregnant. Do you know anything about that?"

(Paul, stunned): "Is that... Really?"

(Dave): "That's the rumor. That's what we're hearin.' Yup. So that means, ladies and gentlemen, she's twerking for two."

••• The federal government shutdown is serious stuff. We are in trouble. Here's Barack Obama with "Your Weekly Address." / video:
(title graphic): "YOUR WEEKLY ADDRESS October 3, 2013" and "Hail to the Chief"

(Obama): "First, here's what the Affordable Care Act means for you. If you're one of the vast majority of Americans who already have health care, you already have new benefits you didn't..." (cut off)

Along with his address, we see the president with tattered clothing and tie pulled loose, standing in front of ruins as far as we can see, with wolves howling and rubble smoldering.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tom (Hanks) is here to promote his new film Captain Phillips, about the inventor of the Phillips head screwdriver!" / a plug for asthma.com ••• [Susan Bennett from Atlanta, Georgia has been revealed to be the voice of Apple's Siri.] / Via prerecorded audio, Susan presents the Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from Your iPhone. / #6: "Text message from Anthony Weiner" •••
Tom Hanks is here to plug the new film, Captain Phillips. It's the true story of the 2009 hijacking of an American ship by Somali pirates, for the first time in over 200 years. It's set to open on October 11. Tom reports that real, live Somalis were cast as the pirates, and filming of the first scene was incredibly intense. It went on for 35 minutes. Then, in a break afterward, one of the Somalis was heard to say, "I can't believe I'm making a movie with Forrest Gump!"
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Tom Hanks ••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club": Tim Kennedy, technical director ••• From Northern Ireland: Two Door Cinema Club sing. ••• [Two Door Cinema Club have a live webcast at 8 ET.]

10/08/13 [3918]: Tom Hanks was on last night to plug Captain Phillips. Dave asked Tom if he'd provide a hand-picked clip for the Late Show. "Anything for you, Dave," Mr. Hanks replied. / video:

Wait a minute. Has there been some sort of mix-up? It's that cutie (and everyone's favorite cruise director), Julie McCoy, with Gopher at her side.

(Julie): "Do you mind if we steal him away?"

Oh, wait, there's Tom, clad in a little yellow swimming suit... otherwise nekkid, between two babes with their hands on him, possibly apply some kind of sun screen.

(Tom mumbles something, and the babes go back to work on him.)

Julie and Gopher walk away, hand-in-hand.

(Tom, under his breath to the babes): "How do those little, scrawny guys do it?"

It's a Love Boat episode from 10/25/80.

•••
interruption: Dave's delivering a joke about Starbuck's® Duffin™, which is a hybrid donut/muffin, when he gives Tony Mendez the business: "If you would move your hand. Thank you." Aw, Dave's just joking around. Tony can take it. Dave says, "Throw him right under the bus!"
••• The Food and Drug Administration is shut down, thanks to Congress. Watch out! The drug companies have been released on their own recognizance. Want an example? Here's a commercial for Lunesta™. / video:
(clip): lady tossing and turning in bed

(soothing female voice-over, with photos of satisfied patients): "The rest you've been craving is finally here, with Lunesta®. Not only is it a proven sleep aid, Lunesta® also makes you smarter, taller, thinner, gets you a higher-paying job, improves your tennis game, gives you the strength of five oxen, fixes your overbite and makes you live forever."

(peaceful nighttime street scene and voice-over): "Lunesta®. Be perfect."

••• [It's Nobel Prize week. The Nobel Prize for Medicine went to scientists who discovered how cells transport materials: James E. Rothman of Yale, Randy W. Schekman of California - Berkeley, and Thomas C. Südhof of Stanford University.] / Just as the Late Show triumphs in getting Sports Illustrated models, Indy 500 and Stanley Cup winners, and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, tonight we have James E. Rothman in the audience.
(Dave): "Dr. Rothman? There he is, right over there."

(Dr. Rothman rises, as the audience applaud.)

(Dave): "Good to see you. Congratulations."

(Dr. Rothman): "Thank you."

(Dave): "Way to go! Welcome to the show. Where are you from, Dr. Rothman?"

(Dr. Rothman): "I'm sorry?"

(Dave): "Where are you from?"

(Dr. Rothman): "I'm from Atlanta, Georgia, originally."

(Dave): "Good to have you here. Thank you. And because this is the kind of thing that is lost on me, why don't you explain what you won your Nobel Prize for."

(Dr. Rothman): "Well, uh, Dave, I won the Nobel Prize for Medicine for the discovery of machinery regulating vesicle traffic. That's a major transport system in our cells."

(Dave): "Wow. Wow! And... yeah. And that will be good for us, going forward, to know that information?"

(Dr. Rothman): "Yes. Yes. I think so."

(Dave): "And I understand... I don't want to put you on the spot... I understand the Nobel Prize, I think, comes with a million dollars? Have you given any thought to what you're going to do with the million dollars?"

(Dr. Rothman): "Well, after the show, I'm going back to the hotel... order a cheeseburger and a couple of whores."

(audience): lengthy applause

(Dave): "That's great. Thank you. Yeah."

••• [The first YouTube Music Awards will be announced on November 3.] / video:
(graphic): "YouTube Music Award Contender"

(female voice-over): "Chris Christie's Wrecking Meatball Video"

(animation): It's a naked Governor Christie, swinging on a giant meatball. You can guess what happens next, considering the payload on that cable. BOOM. The governor's on the floor. Considerable property damage has occurred.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm not a slob, and I'm not lazy. I just happen to think my bathroom tile grout looks better with mildew." / a plug for Macy's® ••• desk chat: Dave calls on Dr. Rothman again. He's steamed. The Nobel people heard about his date with hookers. He has to give back the prize. ••• Top Ten Other Astronaut Fears ••• Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live drops by. ••• The government shutdown is being followed by cable news outlets with various countdown clocks. /
  • Debt Ceiling: 9 days, 00:20:10

  • Sen. Ted Cruz has to take his Thorazine™ pill: 04:11:08

  • partisan gridlock shutdown of government in 2014: 357 days, 00:18:26

  • time remaining 'til Congressional aides find Speaker John Boehner passed out in a puddle of spray tanner and urine: 09:03:48
••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Michael Fassbender plugs The Counselor. ••• Dave was visiting with Seth Meyers about the Tonight Show and Tomorrow Show, and we see a doctored Tomorrow Show marquee, outside the Ed. ••• Amos Lee sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/09/13 [3919]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a drunk guy. ••• [The New York Giants are 0-5 to date. Strippers are complaining when strip clubs have Giants games on TV, because there's a great deal of booing. It hurts the strippers' feelings.] Here's a video of what the Giants are doing for strip club patrons. Well alright, then! Goal posts are just poles, right? The goal posts have four strippers on them. Thanks, Giants! ••• The space movie, Gravity, opened on October 4, with a $55,000,000 opening weekend! Here's the trailer.

(space scene): an astronaut on a robotic arm

(more scenes, with voice-over): "The number one movie in America is gravity. Critics are calling it 'awe-inspiring, and frighteningly realistic.' Starring Sandra Bullock, George Clooney and Gilbert Gottfried as the moon."

(Gilbert's face superimposed on the moon): "I can't even make an English muffin!"

(graphic on black): "10.04.2013"

(voice-over): "Gravity. Now playing."

••• Dave has another audience shout out, giving the business to the drunk guy. Little does he know, he's going to get it again, via a Top Ten entry. ••• The federal government's shut down, and Congress is still getting paid. Here's what they were doing today. / C-SPAN3 video:
(Sen. Mel Martinez, R-Florida): "We all enjoy ice cream."

(Rep. Doug Collins, R-Georgia): "I want a scoop of ice cream!"

(Rep. Lamar Alexander, R-Tennessee): "I ordered my ice cream..."

(Rep. Sam Farr, D-California): "I went to the ice cream place..."

(Rep. Bob Bishop, R-Utah): "Ice cream is healthy."

(Sen. Edward Markey, D-Massachusetts): "I drove an ice cream truck."

(Sen. Mike Lee, R-Utah): "I didn't want to go out for ice cream..."
(FX): X and Late Show "no" buzzer

••• monologue:
"Day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?"
••• Results of a study are making the rounds this week. It reports that American adults are less intelligent than those from a number of countries. / "Average Human | Average American" / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "The average human."

(off-camera host asks): "Which film studios in Japan that later became the Toho Company did Akira Kurosawa join as an assistant director in 1936?"

(average human): "P.C.L."

(voice-over): "The average American."

(Wheel of Fortune clip): It's the Bonus Round. Vanna's board shows

MAG  C
  AND

The contestant can't figure out MAGIC WAND.

(voice-over): "This has been 'Average Human | Average American.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Registered Mail and Certified Mail are the same thing." / a plug for DiGiorno® ••• [A London man recently had to summon firefighters when his sexual encounter with a toaster took a bad turn.] / Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Mind of the Guy Who Had Sex with a Toaster •••
Lucy Liu plugs Elementary. In July, she traveled to the Bekaa Valley in Lebanon to visit children left homeless by the Syrian conflict. It's a major cause that she's been involved with as a UNICEF ambassador for the better part of 10 years. (details)
••• "Tattoo Tragedies with Tony Mendez" /
Tony's a tattoo artist. Writers' assistant Mike Leech, as a civilian, comes to Tony to have an embarrassing tattoo removed. He lifts his shirt to reveal some kind of a fish on his chest, approx. 1.5" wide. Tony goes to work on Mike. A considerable amount of screaming, squirming and weeping is involved, and dark ink sprays all over Mike's face, at the hands of a sadistic Tony. (I hope it's chocolate, because it's in his mouth, too.) Tony puts Mike in front of a mirror so he can see the results: an approx. 9" tattoo of Tony's face. Mike then chases Tony around and around, hoping to repay Tony for his indiscretion.

(title graphic)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Stay with us for the amazing true story of a dog that purchased its own life insurance policy." ••• "Backstage Photo Club": Jimmy Alkins, videotape technician •••
Dr. Mark Jacobson, a Stanford professor of civil and environmental engineering, describes his goal of taking the nation to nonreliance on fossil fuels. He states that this can be done for basically even money, because it will rely on solar and wind energy. We'll be paying for technology and equipment, as opposed to raw materials. Whether you believe in climate change or not, what the professor wants to do is important, because fossil fuels are limited. Learn more about his efforts at thesolutionsproject.org.
••• The Weeknd sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/10/13 [3920]: "The Seven-Syllable Word of the Night" / video: It's Barack Obama stuttering over the word if. Th-th-th-aaat's all, folks. ••• Some people are making the best of the government shutdown. Here's a commercial that ran last night. / video:

(aerial view of Manhattan)

(voice-over): "Attention New Yorkers: Don't let the NASA shutdown ruin your space flight plans."

(exterior shot of an unimpressive little building)

(voice-over): "Queensboro Space Travel is your hometown alternative."

(Photoshop fun): three rockets on launch pads in Queens

(voice-over): "Our fleet of rockets gets you flyin' fast, whether it's a quick suborbital trip or an interplanetary mission. From just $59.95, plus tolls and tip. Mention the promo code "shutdown" and get a free space helmet! Queensboro Space Travel: helping New Yorkers reach for the stars since 1974."

••• interruption: Gene Szymanski appeared by Dave's mark while we were watching rockets.
(Dave): "It's Gene Szymanski, ladies and gentlemen, one of our stagehands. Gene, nice to see you. And before, you know, I've asked you not to come out during the show, but here you are again! What can I do for you tonight, Gene?"

(Gene): "Dave, this government shutdown is really getting bad."

(Dave): "Well, true..."

(Gene): "Today..."

(Dave): "Mm hmm."

(Gene): "I went to Baskin-Robbins®..."

(Dave): "Right."

(Gene): "...and it was closed."

(Dave): "Oh, my God! Baskin-Robbins®? Closed?"

(Gene): "Yes."

(Dave): "What time did you go?"

(Gene): "6 A.M."

(Dave): "Uh, I don't think that Baskin-Robbins® is affected by the government shutdown. I think you were probably there a little early, Gene. That's what that is, I think."

(Gene takes a few steps back from Dave, turns and exits the stage.)

••• October 17 will be the Debt Ceiling, and if we don't adjust it, we'll go into default. CNN ran a piece about the ramifications of default. / video:
(clip): The Bank of China

(voice-over): "China sent a stern message to the United States this week that we must pay our bills by October 17th, and, to prove they mean business, they turned off Ohio."

(animated nighttime satellite photo of the U.S.): The Buckeye State goes totally black.

CNN logo and "More news after this."

••• We learned this week that American adults aren't the shiniest pennies in the bucket. / "Average Human | Average American" / video:
(title graphic and theme song)

(voice-over): "The average human."

(British game show host asks): "Which Chelsea player scored the fastest-ever goal in a Wembley final after 43 seconds in the '97 FA Cup Final?"

(contestant): "Roberto Di Matteo."

(FX): "yes" bell

(voice-over): "The average American."

(game show host): "Name an animal with three letters in its name."

(contestant): "Alligator."

(FX): "no" buzzer

(voice-over): "This has been 'Average Human | Average American.' "

(title graphic)

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey, Equatorial Guinea! We get it. You're near the Equator! Thank you!" / a plug for The Fifth Estate ••• desk chat: Jerry Foley splits the screen for Dave's latest interview with CBS News Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones. The topic is the Debt Ceiling. / video ••• [A Guantanamo Bay prisoner, Egyptian Tarek El-Sawah, has increased in weight from 210 to 420 pounds during his 11-year island vacation there.] / Top Ten CIA Code Names for the 400-Pound Terrorist •••
Jungle Jack Hanna has some awesome critters for his latest visit tonight. (video) There's some mischief afoot. Dave has found out which animals Jack will present tonight, and he's studied up on them. He interjects a number of fun facts about each animal before Jack has a chance. He did it a little bit in Jack's last visit, and he's really done his homework tonight. By the way, I met Jack three years ago this month, and he said that he has never visited with Dave, except on camera.
  1. two young bearcat cubs from Malaysia
    They're in the mongoose family, and will eat cobras. When they get big they can rip Dave's head off. Jack says, "I don't know why you study so much now, because in the old days you didn't know anything."

  2. two baby cheetahs
    They're the fastest land mammal in the world (as in 65 MPH), and very efficient hunters. Dave knows that they'll stalk their prey before attacking. They're the only cat with non-retractable claws.

  3. trumpeter hornbill from Africa
    This amazing bird can capture a grape tossed into the air, by flying toward it. Its bill looks like a toucan's.

  4. young Amur leopards
    The leopard is the cat that hunts in silence. You won't hear it until you're in its stomach. There may be only 200 of them left in the wild. A grown leopard can kill something that weighs 400 to 500 pounds, and then take it up in a tree to dine on.

    Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Reminder: You forgot to do something extremely important yesterday."

  5. 8-month-old black bear from Upstate New York
    Dave gives this guy a wide berth. This is the kind of bear that got into Dave's kitchen in Montana. (video) Jack smarts off and says, "I'll bet he barely escaped!" A black bear can hibernate for several months without taking a leak!
Jack's latest DVD, The Best of Jack Hanna, will be available on Oct. 15. I'm plugging it because Jack was kind enough to autograph two of his books for me, including Monkeys on the Interstate, when he was at Kansas State in 2010.
••• Kunal Nayyar plugs The Big Bang Theory. It's his first visit with Dave. ••• bumper with closing credits: It's a clip of George Clarke putting away the Late Show Bear, which he did about four times, mostly in 2005. (Jack Hanna also put away the Late Show bear, on 7/29/05.) ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/11/13 [3921]: Tonight's audience shout out goes to a lady from Tampa. She'll soon pick up a TTL entry, too. ••• "This Day in Obamacare Enrollment" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(clips):

  1. We begin with two gentlemen in a back yard in Madison, Wisconsin destroying a computer: one with a pick axe, and the other doing what he can with his bare hands.

  2. An office worker in Tulsa loses it. He attacks his computer monitor with his keyboard. The monitor is on the floor now.

  3. In Erie, Pennsylvania, an exasperated citizen tosses a monitor off a bridge.

(voice-over): "This has been 'This Day in Obamacare Enrollment.' "

(title graphic)

••• interruption: CBS News Special Report / video:
(title graphic)

(voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report."

(female news anchor): "Former Bears head coach Mike Ditka is at the Vienna Beef Factory on the North Side, where fans lined up to taste his new trademark sausages. Ditka showed up in a car with a hot dog on top."

(voice-over): "This has been a CBS Special Report."

(title graphic)

••• The Starbucks® Duffin™, a donut/muffin hybrid, is getting all kinds of publicity this week. Other companies are scrambling to get in on the action. / video:
(clip): dining at Denny's®

(voice-over): "Can't choose between delicious desserts? At Denny's®, you don't have to! We've combined two of your favorite treats,"

(photo): treats

(voice-over): "...the creamy éclair and the crunchy cannoli,"

(photo): the finished product

(voice-over): "...to bring you the E. Coli™! Only at Denny's®, America's Diner."

••• [Martin Karplus, Michael Levitt and Arieh Warshel won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for their work in the use of computer modeling for predicting reactions. They made Newton's classical physics work side-by-side with quantum physics.] / We're very fortunate to have Dr. Michael Levitt of Stanford in the audience. How will he unwind after the show? It's back to the hotel for a cheeseburger and a couple of whores! ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "If you get sick, take a medical pill." / a plug for Toyota ••• desk chat: Dave checks back in with Dr. Levitt:
"Dave, I just got a text from Stockholm. The Nobel people found out about the whores. The prize is goin' to the other two guys. Thanks a lot, ass     !"
••• Tomorrow is Columbus Day, but you knew that. / "America 1492 vs. America Today" / video:
(title graphic and dramatic music)

(voice-over and Chyron): "1492: No functioning central government. Today: No functioning central government."

(FX): bell ringing, glass breaking, car alarm, series of game show "yes" bells, slide whistle, more glass breaking for good measure, fog horn, cat meowing... You get the idea.

(title graphic)

••• [Earlier in the week, the Late Show invited fans to tweet questions to @LateShow marked #AskDave. I don't know if any made it to tonight's Top Ten Stupid Questions. / #1: "Are you going to finish that, Governor Christie?" ••• Michael Strahan plugs Live, and he demonstrates tackling to Dave. ••• bumper: "Backstage Photo Club": It's Ron McGuggins, the electronic display man. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Simon Amstell attempted stand-up comedy. It was a catastrophic failure. ••• Cage the Elephant sing "Melophobia." Dave loved them. They were a very pleasant surprise after the stand-up guy. ••• partial credits

10/14/13 [3922]: "Columbus Day Lies" / video:

(title graphic and Italian music that I can't think of the name of, but who cares?)

(clip from WABC-TV 7's Columbus Day coverage)

(Maria Bartiromo): "Happy Columbus Day, everybody. I'm Maria Bartiromo, once again honored and thrilled to be with Joe Piscopo..."

(me): You remember Joe Piscopo... that guy who used to do the really bad impression of Dave on SNL from 1982 to 1984, and has hardly been seen since.

(title graphic and Italian music)

••• "Other Holidays That Fall on Columbus Day" / video:
(graphic and clip from WABC-TV 7's Columbus Day coverage)

(voice-over): "Today, October 14th, 2013, is Columbus Day in the United States."

(clip): a family Thanksgiving dinner

(voice-over): "For our neighbors to the north, today is Canada's Thanksgiving holiday. And, for our friends south of the border, today marks the beginning of Mexican Hanukkah."

(clip): Texas governor Rick Perry dancing around a table with Orthodox Jewish rabbis in 2011, with some "Mexican Hat Dance" mixed in with their singing

••• Gravity has raked in $122,323,175 since it opened on Oct. 4. How was the FX of floating in space created? Let's ask the director. / video:
(film clips and Alfonso Cuaron): "The sound in the storytelling of Gravity is very important. Sound cannot be transmitted through the atmosphere. Nevertheless, sound is transmitted through the interaction of elements."

(FX): slide-whistle extravaganza, boing, stuff hitting other stuff, boing, vibration from astronauts hitting something... You get the idea.

(graphic): GRAVITY logo

••• Out of nowhere: Dave mentions Christmas, then tells Paul to cover his ears. Dave asks himself aloud, "I wonder how my hand-made metal pan is coming along." / video: some guy hammering on a metal pie pan ••• "Average Human | Average American" / video:
(title graphic and theme song)

(voice-over): "The average human."

(British game show host asks): "Which grand master of The Order of the Knights of St. John commanded the island's greatly-outnumbered forces during the siege of Malta in 1565?"

(average human contestant): "Valette."

(FX): "yes" bell

(voice-over): "The average American."

(Wheel of Fortune): An imbecile sees

S _ _ ER _ AN     AND
W _ NDER     W _ _ AN

on Vanna's board and answers "Superman and Spider Woman."

(FX): "no" buzzer

(voice-over): "This has been 'Average Human | Average American.' "

(title graphic and theme music

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Alan Kalter Test Kitchen Report": "Just came up with a surprisingly good recipe that used pencil shavings!" / a plug for Glade® ••• desk chat: Dave stews about a report that the Jonas Brothers have canceled a tour over creative differences. It now seems possible that they may split up. TV's Alan Kalter is greatly distressed.
(Alan): "Excuse me, Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave."

(Dave): "Yes? Oh, Alan, I'm sorry. Yeah, Alan."

(Alan): "I'm sorry. What did you just say about the Jonas Brothers?"

(Dave, looking at a blue card): "It's in the papers today. According to the account that I have, it looks like they could be ending their musical career as a group. The Jonas Brothers are calling it quits, is what it says here."

(Alan, in a state of shock, slowly rises from his perch.)

(Dave): "Alan? Alan?"

(Alan slowly makes his way offstage.)

(Paul): "Where is he going?"

(Cut to a scene with Alan, who has entered his Jonas Brothers chapel, elsewhere in the theater building. Alan gently touches a collage of Jonas Brothers photos, as mournful guitar music plays. He reverently lifts a Jonas Brothers cookie tin, then leans over and blows out a candle. Alan's state of shock suddenly turns to rage. He raises his head and screams in despair, then casts aside the cookie tin. Turning 180°, Alan thrusts his fist through the phony, wallpapered wall behind him.)

(Now, with his right hand bandaged and bloody, Alan stumbles back onstage.)

(Dave): "Hey, hey, hey, hey. Are you alright? Alan?"

(Alan takes a seat at his perch.)

(Dave): "Everything alright?"

(Alan, obviously in great pain, does not reply.)

(Dave smarts off to Paul): "Looks like he got some paper cuts when he punched the wall. Sorry to see that."

•••
Madison Square Garden legends present the Top Ten Career Highlights at Madison Square Garden. / 10. Walt Frazier 9. Rod Gilbert 8. Larry Johnson 7. Adam Graves 6. John Starks 5. Jerry Cooney 4. Bill Bradley 3. Henrik Lundqvist 2. Carmelo Anthony 1. John McEnroe, who loses it and screams: "The Jonas Brothers are splitting up?! I never would have done this lousy show if I had known about the Jonas Brothers!"
••• bumper: John McEnroe, in the green room, consoles Alan Kalter. ••• Ray Romano plugs Parenthood. / We see Ray's four kids in the green room. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": It's technical support guy / cameraman Dan Campbell. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Inspirational Message": "Hang in there, endangered species!" ••• James Franco plugs his novel, Actors Anonymous. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• Worldwide Pants logo and Ray Romano voice-over: "Don't panic, Pablo."

10/15/13 [3923]: How about those New York Giants? They're 0-6. Dave: "No team has gone 0-16 and made it to the Super Bowl." / The marketing geniuses for the Giants have found a way to sell merchandise, anyway. / video:

(voice-over): "It's shaping up to be a disastrous season for the New York Giants. That's why the New York Giants Merchandise Store..."

(photo of the store)

(voice-over): "...is now the Sarcastic New York Giants Merchandise Store."

(photo of the new store front)

(merchandise photos and sarcastic voice-over): "New York Giants fan." (mug) "Giants #1." (foam #1 finger) "I the New York Giants." (bumper sticker) "Hurry down, before we're 'sold out.' "

••• Photoshop fun: It's John Boehner, oranger than ever. (photo) ••• interruption: Assistant cue card technician Todd Seda, smartly dressed in a dark suit, shows up by Dave.
(Todd): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "How do you do? I'm Dave." (handshake)

(Todd): "Hi, Dave."

(Dave): "Nice to see you. Welcome to the show."

(Todd): "I'm from the Congressional Budget Office."

(Dave): "I'm sorry... you're from the Congressional Budget Office?"

(Todd): "Yes sir."

(Dave): "Oh, my goodness! Is everything OK?"

(Todd): "Well, I've got bad news, Dave."

(Dave): "Oh, no!"

(Todd): "We can't raise the debt ceiling."

(Dave): "Oh, my God! That is..."

(Todd): "The good news is..."

(Dave): "Good news?"

(Todd): "We can raise the roof! Hit it, Paul!"

Todd begins a one-of-a-kind "raise the roof" dance routine. He's break dancing all over the place, and ends with a pose on the floor, on his left side. Todd gives Dave a fancy handshake, says "Padre," and exits.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update: Due to the government shutdown, the moon is still closed." / a plug for Sears® •••
James J. "Biff" Henderson is a first-time grandfather! His daughter, Celeste, and husband Larry have welcomed Sydney Milan Woods, born on October 10th. She's 6 lbs. 10 oz. (me): My mother was born 100 years ago on that day!
••• Here's a brand new segment. The Late Show called for questions for Dave on Twitter last week. Fans were invited to tweet to #AskDave @LateShow. Here's the first round:
  • Dave: "This is from Ronnie Glover @TheLandSlide."
    Ronnie: "Why haven't I been invited to be on your show?"
    Dave: "Well, because you're Ronnie Glover at The Land Slide."

  • Dave: "This is from Bill Lehecka @billlehecka. Hey... clever handle!"
    Bill: "Have you ever owned a beaver?"
    Dave: "Hmm. I'm currently leasing. Thank you."
    (me): Here's video of my friend Bill in this segment.

  • Dave: "This is Jim Baker @jimbaker0314."
    Jim: "Where do babies come from?"
    Dave: "Well, apparently quite a few come from Frank Sinatra!"

  • Dave: "Scott Layou @Flyersfan1221."
    Scott: "May I have one of your double-eraser pencils?"
    Dave demonstrates one, then calls Biff to send a handful to Scott.

  • Dave: "This is from Nicole Cook @pinkygreenlove."
    Nicole: "say Buttermilk butterflies blew through bitter butter on butter bitter lane on buttermilk Friday tonight."
    Dave: "You're having a stroke!"

••• Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Cast in "50 Shades of Grey" / #6 is a shout out to Doug from Seattle. ••• Sylvester Stallone plugs Escape Plan. He's had a #1 movie in five different decades! ••• "Sue's Reviews with Costume Designer Sue Hum" /
(title graphic and theme song)

(Sue, onstage): "In the new Fox show, Dads, friends Eli and Warner are enterpreneurial video game developers, whose stereotyped loving fathers move in with their sons. My favorite scene is when the dads accidentally get ripped on marijuana brownies, and boom! Everybody gets jiggy! It's a laugh riot. I give it four Hums."

(FX): four Sue Hum heads

(title graphic and theme song)

••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Chess Move Suggestion": "Rook to F3." ••• That cutie Anna Faris plugs Mom, a new CBS offering. ••• Hip hop supergroup Deltron 3030 sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/16/13 [3924]: [October 17 is the day the federal government will default financially unless action is taken.] / What is Congress doing right now? / C-SPAN video:

(Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Oregon): "Pizza."

(Sen. Bob Corker, R-Tennessee): "Pizza."

(Rep. Christopher Murphy, D-Connecticut): "Pepperoni pizza."

(Rep. Erik Paulsen, R-Minnesota): "Pizza party."

(Rep. Scott Tipton, R-Colorado): "Pizza Huts."

(Rep. John Fleming, R-Louisiana): "Domino's Pizza."

(Rep. Todd Young, R-Indiana): "Little miniature pizzas."

(Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vermont): "I had... provided... so-so pizza."

(C-SPAN graphic)

•••
Let's check back in with Congress. / C-SPAN video: What are barnyard animals doing moseying around in the House of Representatives chamber? They're an unruly bunch, too. We hear plenty of mooing and baaaing. Oh, there's a donkey. A dog took a vacant seat, and is barking up a storm. A white kitty's hanging out on a counter, but you can't hear it, what with all the larger critters. I see a chicken, up by Speaker Boehner. Down front and center is a dog on its hind legs, begging for a treat. Congress is a happenin' place these days!
••• On the eve of the government defaulting financially, here's "Remembering the United States." / video:
(title graphic and a piano solo)

(U. S. outline and voice-over): "The United States, which was located in what is today Central Mexicanada, is remembered for giving the world deep fried butter on a stick, novelty New Year's Eve eyewear and entertainer Tom Wopat."

(clip): It's the former good ol' boy, Luke Duke, singing in a night club,
"Something's comin',
I don't know what it is
But it is gonna be great..."

(title graphic)

••• The Iranian space program is coming right along. They're about to put a monkey into space for the second time. Let's check in on the status. / video from Iranian Space Agency Headquarters, Shahrud, Iran:
(clip): chimpanzee in a space helmet, making rude noises with its lips during a phone call to who-knows-where
••• Mike McIntee notified us to be ready for more of this. It's the man pounding on a metal pie pan. / clip x 2 / Can this middle-aged guy have any hearing left? There are stacks of hundreds of those pie pans behind him. ••• Sylvester Stallone was on last night to plug Escape Plan. It looks wonderful. Here's a trailer:
(clips of Schwarzenegger and Stallone)

(deep-voiced voice-over guy): "When a man is faced with a desperate situation, he must rely on brains and brawn to overcome insurmountable odds. Escape Plan. Peter Travers asks, 'Isn't this the same thing that happened in Lock Up?' David Denby wonders, 'Isn't this the same thing that happened in Commando?' And A. O. Scott asks, 'Isn't this the same thing that happened in... Cobra, Raw Deal, Cliffhanger, The Running Man, The Specialist, Predator, Night Hawks, Total Recall, Assassins, Demolition Man, True Lies, Daylight, Eraser, End of Days, The 6th Day, Rambo 1, 2, 3 and 4?' Escape Plan. Coming soon."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Good News": "There is no additional bad news." / a plug for Tylenol Cold® ••• The Panda Cam at the Washington Zoo is shut down. We go live to the National Zoo in D.C. /
Has it come to this? It's stagehand Tommy O'Brien sitting on a rock, gnawing on a bamboo shoot. It kind of looks like he's playing a flute, but no, it's bamboo action.
•••
"Charts and Graphs" /

When is buying an extended 2-year warranty actually worth it?
    car: 22% of the time   computer: 10% of the time   cheeseburger: .00001% of the time

Do you miss hearing about Anthony Weiner?
    76% No.   24% Miss hearing about him? He just texted me.

Usage of the phrase "Polly want a cracker" among talking birds
    92% birds with various names repeating the phrase by rote   8% birds named Polly expressing desire for a cracker

Do you own a vibrating pen?
    98% No.   2% (illegible squiggle)

Favorite Batman
    11% Michael Keaton   15% Christian Bale   74% not Ben Affleck

Can Vladimir Putin be trusted?
    80% No.   20% Nyet.

Why did you buy the new iPhone?
    19% sleek new interface   22% faster performance   59% hoping consumer purchase will fill the emotional void that dwells within me

Why did Miley Cyrus & her fiance split up?
    28% He didn't care for her wild image.   30% Their careers kept them apart.   42% She began to have feelings for the wrecking ball.

•••
Bill O'Reilly plugs his new book, Killing Jesus. He and Dave have quite an interesting interview about how Jesus became the most famous person ever. The Romans used crucifixion a lot. Thousands of people were following Jesus around, but the Romans didn't know why. Judas sold out Jesus in a move to stay out of trouble himself. Jesus knew what Judas was up to, and called out Judas. He even told him it would be better if he hadn't been born. The Romans were steamed because Jesus was working against them getting their taxes. The Jews and Romans hated each other, but they aligned to do in Jesus.

This was a great interview, as was Bill's previous visit. Dave actively listened to Bill, and didn't throw a bunch of jabs. Well... except for showing a bogus book cover.

As to our current problems, Bill's complaint is that politicians are pandering, and nothing's getting done.

••• "Backstage Photo Club": Fred Nigro, "treasurer" (Dave's accountant) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Top Ten Interesting Facts About the Human Body / This came from a study that made the Drudge Report this week that lots of people can feel imminent weather changes. ••• The Head and The Heart sing. They were good! ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: It's that man pounding on a pie pan again. We're not done with this yet. Maybe someday toward the end of the year, Dave will call him in and fire him. ••• [Mike Muller sat in for Felicia Collins tonight.]

10/17/13 [3925]: [Five minutes before air time, I asked myself how many times we'd see the pie pan-pounding dude. All I knew was, we weren't done, and I appreciate that. A clip like this makes us feel better about our own jobs.] ••• video: It's the man in a workshop stacked with metal pie pans, pounding on one with an odd-looking hammer, against a specially-designed anvil. (x2) ••• Dave asks Paul Shaffer to put together a little something to go with the pounding. "A little dialing music, Paul?" ••• [This was to be the day of default for the U. S. financial mess, but Congress let us off the hook.] / "What Congress Learned from the Shutdown" / video:

(title graphic and theme music)

(photo): The White House

(Rep. Tom Price, R-Georgia): "Nothing."

(Rep. Jim McGovern, D-Massachusetts: "Nothing."

(Rep. Phil Gingrey, R-Georgia): "Nada."

(Rep. Mike Kelly, R-Pennsylvania): "Zero. Nada."

(Rep. Peter DeFazio, D-Oregon): "Nada. Zero."

(Rep. Steny Hoyer, D-Maryland): "Zip. Nada. Zero."

(Rep. Steve Chabot, R-Ohio): "The adventures of a squirrel named Super Twiggy."

(title graphic)

••• [Earlier this week Barack Obama said, "The problem that we've got is Speaker Boehner, for example, him negotiating with me isn't necessarily good for the extreme faction in his caucus. It weakens him. There have been repeated situations where we have agreements and he goes back it turns out that he can't control his caucus."] / Immediately thereafter, pharmaceutical companies released this commercial:
(close-up shot): a bedroom window from outside, at night

(female voice-over and light piano music): "Are you tired of waking up in the middle of the night to phone calls from angry constitutents?"

(photo): John Boehner in pajamas

(female voice-over): "Does passing any legislation seem impossible?"

(clip): Speaker Boehner wielding a giant gavel

(female voice-over): "That's why you need Boehnex®, the first drug designed specifically to help the Speaker of the House control his caucus."

(clips): an angry Boehner, an orange Boehner

(female voice-over): "Side effects of Boehnex® include emotional outbursts, facial discoloration and sudden bouts of hysteria."

(clip): a weeping Boehner

(female voice-over): "Being Speaker of the House is hard. Boehnex® can help.

(graphic): Boehnex® logo

••• It's another look at the metal pan guy, and now the CBS Orchestra has a song worked up to go with the pounding of the pan. (edit: I learned later that the CBSO's accompaniment was inspired by Ozzy Osbourne's "Mississippi Queen.") / Jerry Foley goes to picture-in-picture with the pan pounder and the CBSO. It's awesome! (video) ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "While the electric eel has no natural enemies, it also has no friends." / a plug for Olive Garden® ••• desk chat:
Dave brings up an article and video that I discovered yesterday. It's an interview with Paul and his 20-year-old daughter, Victoria, in support of rescuing shelter pets. (YouTube video) (article from KHOU-TV in Houston) The organization behind this cause is theshelterpetproject.org.
••• interruption: There's an unknown bearded man behind Dave's desk. Eventually Dave notices him.
(Dave): "Hi. I didn't see you standin' there. Can I help you, sir? What's goin' on?"

(stranger): "Yeah, uh, maybe. Do you know if I'm Zach Galifianakis?"

(Dave, after checking some paperwork): "No. No, I don't think... No, I'm pretty sure you're not Zach Galifianakis. Sorry."

(not Zach Galifianakis): "OK. Thank you."

(Dave): "Yeah. You bet."

••• Top Ten Things Americans Said When the Government Reopened / #6 is an audience shout out: "How will this affect funny racecar drivers?" ••• bumper: Paul and Victoria Lily ••• Donald Trump and Dave visit about his new golf course in the Bronx, Ferry Point Park Golf Course, and in the second segment, they cover the state of the U. S. government. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I don't actually want to work at a diner, but man, think of all the butter pats!" ••• "Debt Limit Crisis Rewind" with Alan Kalter /
(title graphic and 50s dance music)

(Alan): "The last time the United States Congress nearly plunged the world into economic Armageddon was way back in January of 2013. The number one song on the radio was Bruno Mars' "Locked Out of Heaven." The top movie, Kathryn Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty. And a gallon of gasoline cost $4.30. That's your 'Debt Limit Crisis Rewind.' "

(title graphic)

••• Selena Gomez sings. I get to see her in about a month! ••• full credits ••• another clip of the pie pan pounder ••• [Felicia Collins is back!]

10/18/13 [3926]: Dave gives a quick shout out to someone from Denver. ••• Iran is looking for help with their space program, and they've gotten a little from our friends at Al Jazeera, who are running this commercial. /

(clip): rocket launch

(voice-over): "Are you a healthy, adventurous monkey, with a desire to serve a glorious cause? Become an Iranian monkey astronaut. Earn delicious fruits and nuts, while rocketing into space in a custom-fitted immobilization frame. Over 30% survival rate!"

(Photoshop fun): a monkey wearing an Uncle Sam hat

(voice-over): "Please, no monkeys from the Great Satan."

(FX): monkey screech

(voice-over): "Blast off to your future. Apply today at the Tehran Monkey Employment Agency."

••• interruption: Once again, Pat Farmer has found his way to Dave's mark during the monologue. / The encounter goes like this:
(Dave): "How're ya doin', Pat?"

(Pat): "Good, Dave. How are you?"

(Dave): "Good. What do you think, Indianapolis or Denver?"

(Pat): "Uhh, Denver."

(Dave): "Good. Ladies and gentlemen... one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer. Pat, what can I... what can I do for you?"

(Pat): "Dave, I was wonderin' if I could ask you a question."

(Dave): "Ask me a question?"

(Pat): "Yeah."

(Dave): "Sure. Whatever."

(Pat): "Great! Stop by after the show, and I'll ask it."

Pat turns and walks away.

••• It's impossible to stay away from Oreo® cookies after you've had one. Then you get about 20 feet away from the supply of Oreo® cookies and think, "Holy crap!" On the second trip back to the package, you get three. / "The Most Addictive Snack" / video:
(title graphic and theme music)

(voice-over): "The most-addictive snack: Oreo® cookies." (photo) "The least-addictive snack."

(19-year-old Allison): "I'm addicted to eating rubber tires."

(tire photos)

(Allison, sitting by a bowl of tire pieces): "Rubber tire pieces taste really chemically. It's amazing!"

(fun graphic and voice-over): "Happy snacking, America."

(me): Here's the real-life story.

••• Michael Jackson's "doctor," Dr. Conrad Murray, is getting out of the slammer in a couple of weeks. How can a quack with no degree possibly earn a living? / photo: Dr. Phil ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Nobody bother me on Saturday. I'll be watching ESPN2's nonstop raking coverage." / a plug for Cottonelle® ••• desk chat:
The only reason the Late Show is on the air is to promote movies, and collect giant kickbacks from studios. Dave's good friend, Tom Hanks, came by on Oct. 7 to plug Captain Phillips, and he promised Dave a cameo. We watch. It's Dave on a rowboat, near Captain Phillips' ship, being a dork.
••• Graham Fenwick-Jones, CBS News Chief Foreign Correspondent, once again joins Dave from London via split screen to discuss the U. S. government shutdown. •••
Barbara Walters joins Dave for what he informs us is her 29th appearance on the Late Show. I have her at 27 interviews, one Top Ten and three cameos. Don Giller has her at 27 interviews and five cameos. Let's just say she's been on more than once per year. Oh... I almost forgot. A main topic of discussion tonight is Barbara's interviews with a variety of dictators. She acknowledges that they have done some awful things, but most have done good things for their citizens who managed to live through their "administrations."

Barbara calls Fidel "one of the most charismatic men I have ever met... person I have ever met. People thought that we had a little something going." She spent 10 days with him, sitting next to him and holding his gun. This interview was in 1977. By the way, the TTL on Oct. 11, 2002 was Top Ten Signs Barbara Walters Is in Love with Fidel Castro.

••• "Backstage Photo Club": camera operator Al Cialino ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
Late Show writer Steve Young, who has been with Dave for 23 years, plugs his brand new book, Everything's Coming Up Profits: The Golden Age of Industrial Musicals. It's about productions made from the 50s to the 80s, made to educate and/or motivate company employees about products. Steve's fascination with these productions came from his responsibility that dates back to Late Night: "Dave's Record Collection." While visiting stores that sold old records, he found rare copies of LP records of these productions. The classic example he plays for us is from American Standard®, the bathroom fixture people: "The Bathrooms Are Coming!" A lady sings, with all sincerity,
My bathroom, my bathroom, is a private kind of place.
Very special kind of place.
The only place where I can stay
Making faces at my face.
My bathroom, my bathroom, is much more than it may seem.
Where I wash, and where I cream.
A special place where I can stay.
And cream, and dream, and dream, and dream, dream.
Hear some of these numbers and learn more about Steve's book, at www.industrialmusicals.com. My copy came from Amazon six days ago. See Steve's interview here.
••• White Denim sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/21/13: REPEAT FROM 9/12/13

10/22/13: REPEAT FROM 10/07/13

10/23/13: REPEAT FROM 9/27/13

10/24/13: REPEAT FROM 9/25/13

10/25/13: REPEAT FROM 9/24/13

10/28/13 [3927]: Ha! The minute Dave announced an impression, I knew it would begin with, "One senior for..." That's right. Nailed it! / Dave turns 180° to prepare to play himself. He takes deep breaths. He checks his hair. Turning, he says, "One senior for Bad Grandpa, please." ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady wearing a persimmon cardigan... that is, a persimmon-colored cardigan. She and hubby waved to the overhead studio monitor instead of a camera. •••

[I went on record on alt.fan.letterman this afternoon that the pie pan pounding man clip that premiered on Oct. 16 had staying power, and we'd see it tonight.] ••• video: It's the pie pan pounding man. We see the original clip. Dave has a surprise for us! The clip has been set to Bobby "Boris" Pickett's "Monster Mash." (video.) That song was released a few days after my 12th birthday, and I thought it was the funnest song ever. Two months later, it hit #1 on Billboard's chart. The Beach Boys covered the song in 1964. Now, I was going to smart off and say it was too bad The Chipmunks never covered the song. I got to looking, and guess what! They covered it in 1994! Is this a great country, or what?
••• interruption: It's a CBS promo, right in the middle of the monologue: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave welcomes Dr. Conrad Murray." (He just got out of the slammer.) ••• Dr. Sanjay Gupta interviewed Dick "Kaboom" Cheney this month for 60 Minutes Overtime. Here's your fun doctored transcript:
(Dr. Gupta): "You've had four heart attacks, three catheterizations at this point, bypass surgery, an implanted defibrillator..."

(Cheney): "Right."

(Dr. Gupta): "...a left ventricular-assist device, a mechanical heart, a baboon heart, a mechanical baboon heart..."

(Cheney): "Right."

(Dr. Gupta): "...and you paid a high school kid $6 an hour to manually squeeze your heart every five seconds, to keep blood flowing through your body."

(Cheney): "Right."

(Dr. Gupta): "Did you worry about your physical health?"

(Cheney): "No."

(60 Minutes stopwatch clip)

••• How about those "glitches" with Obamacare sign-up? Dave says of Obamacare sign-up,
"I'll tell you somethin', ladies and gentlemen. You order a pair of pants online from J.Crew, and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. That's a glitch! This is a Carnival Cruise!"
••• And how about President Obama's weekend address to the American people? / "Your Weekly Address" / video:
(graphic): "Your Weekly Address   October 26, 2013"

Obama's yapping about his Socialist plan, and a man* is using a laptop computer in the background. Obviously he's trying to sign up for Obamacare. He closes the cover on the computer, picks it up and throws it across the room.

(FX): glass breaking

(me): *Wahoo Mike reports that the nice man who destroyed that computer is Worldwide Pants Incorporated accountant Joe DeGeorge.

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Many things qualify as a 'wireless device.' For example, a spoon." / a plug for Capital One's Quicksilver Card™ •••
desk chat: Dave and Paul reflect on the passing yesterday of Lou Reed at the age of 71. He was on the Late Show nine times, and eight times on Late Night, Dave says. It depends on what you count, because he sat in, also, and he did Paul's cape thing, too. Anyway, my great memory of him is his January 5, 1994 appearance, singing "Sweet Jane." Has there ever been a more kick-ass rock song? It's sure high on the list. Paul selected that performance for the Live on Letterman CD, of which I'm a proud owner. Back when the stereo in my 21-year-old Taurus SHO worked, I used to play that song all the time. Thanks, Lou.
••• Dave gives the persimmon couple the business again. ••• Now Dave gives a shout out to a gent in the audience who looks like Will Ferrell. / Jerry Foley goes to split screen. / He sure does look like Will Ferrell, but he's not. Dave doesn't tells us, but it's Head Talent Researcher John Klarl. Biff gives John the gray Late Show t-shirt. ••• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Wedding of the 103-Year-Old Man and the 99-Year-Old ••• Charles Barkley has a great interview with Dave, as usual. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Inspirational Mesage": "Stay with us for 'Fun Halloween Crafts You Can Make with Items Found in Your Glove Compartment!' " ••• Lindsey Vonn, champion skier ••• King Krule sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/29/13 [3928]: Hey! Where's the pie pan pounder tonight? ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady who wants to know Dave's favorite animal. Tiger is the answer. We'll see more of her. ••• The NSA is wiretapping just about everybody... especially our allies. / Here's tape of a wiretap of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. /

(FX): phone ringing

(automated female voice): "Voice mailbox of..."

(Stephen Harper): "Stephen Harper."

(automated female voice): "Please enter your password."

(FX): DTMF tones

(automated female voice): "You have... no... new voice messages and... no... saved messages."

(Stephen Harper): "Aww."

(FX): hangs up / dial tone

••• interruption: Pat Farmer shows up at Dave's monologue mark. / Here's what happens.
(Dave): "Oh, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, one of our stagehands, Pat Farmer, everybody. Pat?"

(Pat): "Hello, Dave."

(Dave): "Hi, Pat. Good to see you. Pat, what can I do for ya?"

(Pat): "Dave, if you've got a minute, my son's backstage trick-or-treating."

(Dave): "Mmm hmm. Umm, you know what? I don't really have a minute. We're right in the middle of a show, and Halloween is Thursday. But..."

(Pat): "He's awful cute, Dave."

(Dave, smiling): "Oh, is he cute? He's really...?"

(Pat): "He's a ghost."

(Dave): "He's a ghost?"

(unnamed Farmer boy in standard ghost uniform appears): "Hey! How're ya doin'? Trick or treat!"

(Dave, smiling): "Yeah, OK, well, you know, that is... you're right. That's cute! Guess what. I don't have any candy. I'm sorry."

(Pat): "We take cash."

(unnamed Farmer boy/ghost now has his hand out)

(Dave reaches in a pocket and peels off a $20 bill.): "There you go. Happy Halloween."

(Pat): "Aw, come on, Dave."

(Dave): "Huh?" (He peels off a couple more twenties.)

(unnamed Farmer boy/ghost): "Thanks, Dave. Happy holidays!"

(Dave): "Bye bye. Thanks, Pat."

(Pat and Junior exit.)

(me): I'm not sure who played Junior, but judging from height and voice, I think Gene Szymanski's a decent guess. Hey! I'm 1,200 miles away. How am I supposed to know?

••• Dick "Kaboom" Cheney was interviewed on This Week with George Stephanopoulos on Sunday, talking about his multiple heart troubles and the GOP. / video:
(Cheney): "I wake up every morning, literally, with a smile on my face, grateful for another day I never thought I'd see. And, uh..."

(Dick's eyes close.)

(FX): flatline tone for six seconds

(Cut to George, waiting to see what's going on.)

(Dick wakes up.): "And the other thing comes after you've been through something like that..."

••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey! Has anyone seen the Late Show Lost & Found box?" / a plug for Energizer Max® ••• Tonight's desk chat goes back to the audience shout out. Dave:
We were talking to some folks, one from Minnesota, one from Massachusetts, both deadly dull, and the topic of zoo animals came up. Horses and giraffes are not in the same order. They belong to two different orders. Horses are odd-toed ungulates. I don't know if I believe that, but that's what it says here. Giraffes are even-toed ungulates. Thus... giraffes are more closely-related to whales than to horses. Ungulates refers to having hooves. I don't know if I believe that, either."
••• It's the second round of tweets for #AskLetterman at @LateShow.
  • Sue: "What did you really want to be when you grew up?" Dave: "I wanted to work at the Mayo Clinic."

  • Rhonda: "Does Dave actually know what a tweet is?" Dave: "Now this is insulting. It's something that you type in on your tweet device, and it comes to our massive computer mainframe here in the Ed Sullivan Theater building. A guy will then copy it off the screen. He will then put it on a blue piece of paper like this, and he runs it down here to the theater and hands it to me!"

  • Matthew Ryan: "Have you ever called someone 'bro-seph?' " Dave proceeds to the next question.

  • unnamed: "Dave, does your dog do any tricks?" Dave: "My dog is named Sully, and Sully's claim to fame... speaking of ungulates... he killed a deer." Dave then calls for the picture of Sully, the rabid dog, and treats us to his latest "Who's a good doggie?

  • I.C. Blackberry: "What's Tony Mendez really like?" Dave: "I put some thought into this when I saw it come in on the tweet device. Tony Mendez, our cue card kid... you will find that everyone on our staff thinks highly of Tony, but no one has anything good to say about him."

  • @Reg Griffin: "Isn't this a lot like Viewer Mail?" Dave: "No. This is exactly like Viewer Mail."

  • Ron Ramos: "Can I have $5?" Dave: "Sure."

  • Scott Christie: "Dave, you stopped drinking a long time ago. What do you miss most about drinking beer?" Dave: "Oh, I used to pound it down. I was a... I started with beer when I was a youngster, when I was a kid... like nine or 10. My dad said, 'Would you want a sip of my beer, and they thought that I would find it repellent. No. I loved it. I loved it. And from the beer, I went right to the wine and distilled spirits, and didn't stop drinking until I was 34. And the thing I liked best about it was the hangover. Here's why. I liked it when you wake up, and your lips are buzzing. And what that means: time for another beer!"

  • Mark Halloway: "Dave, where do you see yourself in five years?" Dave: "Uhhh... I think... probably the Mayo Clinic."
••• Top Ten Recent Scientific Discoveries / #6: Plants enjoy photosynthesis well into their 60s. ••• Rob Lowe plugs Killing Kennedy. ••• [Toby Sheldon, 33, a songwriter in Los Angeles, has spent about $100,000 over recent years to look like Justin Bieber.] / We see our old friend, Gerard Mulligan, as Toby. Well, that is until DeLace's guys haul him off. (video) ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave visits with the 2013 Indy Car Series champion, Scott Dixon. ••• Alan Jackson sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

10/30/13 [3929]: Is there any better way to begin an episode than checking in with Richard "Kaboom" Cheney? We'll soon find out, in "Thanks for Stopping by, Dick" / video:

(title graphic)

We see ex-V.P. Cheney on This Week with George Stephanopoulos on Sunday.

- "I wouldn't want to discuss it."
- "I'm not current."
- "I can't say that."
- "I've been out of the loop, so to speak."
- "Without talking about specific details, which I'm not..."
- "I'm not gonna predict at this point, or endorse anybody."
- "I am not talking about a specific program."
- "All I know is what I read in the newspapers."

(title graphic)

••• interruption: A happy young couple have strolled past security, and show up at Dave's mark.
(Dave): "Oh, hi. How are you? Nice to see you."

(man): "How're ya doin'? I don't want to interrupt, but we just want to thank you."

(woman): "It's so hard to find somebody special in this day and age, and thanks to you, we both found our perfect match!"

(Dave, smiling): "Well, this is something I don't care about. But you know... thanks for... thanking me. That's nice."

(woman): "Well, aren't you that guy from the eHarmony.com® commercials?"

(split screen): Dave + the gray-haired, bespectacled, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, Founder

(audience): have a big laugh at Dave's expense

(Dave, modestly): "Umm... yes, I am. Congratulations."

(woman, shaking hands): "Thank you so much!"

(Dave): "Good... good luck to both of you."

(man, shaking hands): "Thank you, Doctor."

(Dave): "I hope you have a long... You're welcome... happy life together, there. I just love bringing people together."

••• In spite of uneven critical reviews, Dave presents once again the Pie Pan Pounder man. [SPOILER]: As a special treat for Halloween, we then get to hear it again, this time set to a horror movie stinger. (video) / If your ears are on the blink from multiple airings, here's the soundtrack in visual form. (photo) ••• Shaquille O'Neal has endorsed Chris Christie for re-election. This is stunning, because Shaq rarely endorses anything, with the minor exception of:
  • Burger King®
  • vitaminwater®
  • Double Decker Tacos™ from Taco Bell®
  • Gold Bond® Medicated Powder™
  • Buick® LaCrosse™
  • IcyHot®
  • a Japanese or Chinese beverage, I guess...
  • Nestle's® Crunch with Caramel™
••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Update": "The passenger pigeon is still extinct." / a plug for The Avett Brothers on iTunes ••• KGB veteran (and beady-eyed little weasel) Vladimir Putin gave out goodie bags at the G20 Summit. Included was a flash drive or something that allowed spying. / Top Ten Things Vladimir Putin Has Learned by Spying on the United States ••• TTL interruption:
Dave wants to talk about a video that will probably go viral of a Canadian mother, Sara Evans, singing to her little baby. At first, Baby is sitting there with his bib on, all smiles, but gradually he tears up, and is left a sobbing, slobbering mess. (link)
/ back to the TTL / Wait. Not so fast. Now Dave wants to talk about the fat lady from Scotland, Susan Boyle. ••• Will Arnett plugs The Millers. ••• Record producer Clive Davis visits with Dave about five decades in the music industry. I've never heard of him, but good for him! ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• more Clive Davis ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: legendary associate director Pete Fatovich (as a Pope) and audio technician Pete Pelland ••• The Avett Brothers sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: the sobbing baby ••• [The Avett Brothers did Live on Letterman at 8 ET.]

10/31/13 [3930]: [The Boston Red Sox won the World Series last night. They'll turn up here and there on tonight's episode.] ••• "Cheer Up, St. Louis!" / video:

(title graphic and peppy theme song)

(voice-over): "You've still got your beloved St. Louis Rams, whose 3-5 record puts them in fourth place in the NFC West. Remember to check your smoke detector batteries this weekend."

(title graphic)

••• The New York Yankees have made a video to congratulate St. Louis. / video:
(title graphic)

(clip): Red Sox celebrating after the big win

(voice-over): "The New York Yankees would like to extend heartfelt congratulations to their archrivals, the Boston Red Sox, on their 8th championship in 109 years. You'll match our 27 championships in the year 2271. Good luck, fellas. See you at the ballpark!"

••• Dave doesn't care any more about Halloween, but he does go through the motions. The kids came around, and he gave out frozen turkeys. Dave's curious about whether trick-or-treaters are out and about in his neighborhood. / live video: It's a riot, complete with overturning a car, probably after a sports team victory. It looks to be fans of the Vancouver Canucks, or possibly rioting trick-or-treaters. ••• Superspy Vladimir Putin rigged and distributed disguised spy devices in G20 Summit gift bags. On the bright side, he included a series of shirtless photos of himself in each bag. ••• A bunch of morning show hosts appeared in costume: Matt Lauer as a blonde girl, George Stephanopoulos as George Clooney as an astronaut, Hoda as Betty Rubble and Kathie Lee as Wilma Flintstone, and Morley Safer in some kind of cartoon-character, one-piece ladies' swimming suit. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Hey Bernoulli! Nice principle!" / a plug for Petsmart® ••• "Halloween Costumes" / (video)
  • Lucas is a shirtless Vladimir Putin, riding a hoss. / He gets Clamato®, which is reconstituted tomato juice, it seems. Lucas was on in 2012, but I don't know whose kid he is.

  • Jack is a rotating slab of meat. / He's leaving the theater with a half-knitted sweater.

  • Isabella is Kathleen Sebelius, former governor of Kansas. (Good riddance.) She's the HHS Secretary. / It's a bag of party ice for Isabella.

  • Simon Ludvigsen Gaines is the pesky Chapstick that opens in your pocket. / He's sure going to enjoy his new taxidermied weasel.

  • Holly is Downton Abbey. / She'll be the envy of her school with her new CB radio.

  • Sheila Rogers' son, Arlo, is one of those non-working automatic faucets. / Please don't eat that egg foo young (or however you choose to spell it), Arlo.

  • Leo is comedian Louis C.K. / He gets a model of a knee.

  • Brooke is obstructed-view seating. / Her new Canadian passport won't come in handy.
••• It's a World Series victory-themed TTL: Top Ten Things Overheard at This Moment / #6: "Is dancing allowed during commercials?" (a shout out to an audience lady) ••• Harrison Ford plugs Ender's Game. / He has this joke ready for us:
"It's Saul's 85th birthday, and a group of his friends get together and decide to do something nice for Saul. So they take him to the Plaza for a beautiful lunch. And they sit down, they had a leisurely lunch, Saul's very grateful, he's very happy. He's in a very good mood. They're walking out and Saul's about to say goodbye, and they say, 'No, no, Saul. It's not over.' He says, 'No? It's not over?' They said, 'No.' They put him in the elevator, and they take him up to a beautiful suite, overlooking the park, and they sit him on the edge of the bed. Saul says, 'What? What? They said, 'Saul, happy birthday,' and they walk out the door. Saul says, 'What? What?' And the door of the bathroom opens, and this beautiful blonde lady comes out in her hotel bathrobe. Saul said, 'What? What?' She says, 'Happy birthday, Saul!' He says, 'Thank you. Thank you.' He says, 'Uh, what you doin' here?' She says, 'Saul, I'm here to give you super sex!' He says, 'I'll have the soup, please.' "
••• "Prove Me Wrong," with Alan Kalter / Dolly Parton is a North Korean Agent. Prove him wrong. / Mike McIntee has a disclaimer,
The views of Alan Kalter are his own and do not reflect the opinions of David Letterman, the Late Show, or CBS. Complaints, lawsuits, jumpsuits, pantsuits, and any evidence disproving Alan's claims may be directed to:

Prove Me Wrong
c/o Alan Kalter
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
••• Holy Ghost! sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

11/01/13 [3931]: CBS Cares. Here's a "Halloween Weather Roundup." / video:

(title graphic and cheery music)

  • "The weather's indeed gonna be kinda spooky."
  • "A few spooky-lookin' little clouds..."
  • "Some spooky, patchy fog..."
  • "And some spooky-lookin' clouds..."
  • "Some spooky showers..."
  • "Some spooky showers..."
  • "Spooky showers..."
  • "Spooky chill..."
  • "A creepy chill..."
  • "Mostly spooky..."
  • "The temperature will... should not be spooky."

    (title graphic)

  • ••• monologue: Dave fusses about getting the clock back on the nail after the semiannual time change. Truer words were never spoken. Then there's the matter of getting the clock square with the world. ••• interruption:
    (voice-over by Mike McIntee + flashy graphics): "Lookin' for great off-season deals on Halloween costumes? Metro Party Supply is slashing prices on all unsold inventory!!! We've got the Tri-State Area's largest selection of unlicensed costumes for the non-discerning customer, including..."

    (FX): each costume overlaid on Dave at his mark

    (MZM continues):

  • "Winged-Mammal Man," (Batman)
  • "Porous Underwater Pal," (Sponge Bob Square Pants)
  • "Pastry Monster," (Teletubby)
  • "Ghoul Breaker," (a Ghostbuster)
  • "Prehistoric Dad," (Fred Flintstone)
  • "Surly Bird," (an Angry Bird)
  • "and Sexy Surly Bird." (another Angry Bird?)

    "Metro Party Supply. Tell 'em Dave sent you!"

  • ••• There's a new species of dolphin. / video:
    (dolphin scenes and stock background music)

    (female voice-over): "Scientists have discovered a new species of dolphin off the coast of Australia. This new dolphin has a different set of mitochodrial DNA, a slightly-longer beak, and has an unusual way of communicating."

    (FX): Every time the dolphin moves its mouth, we hear the Charlie Callas honk. (x4)

    (female voice-over): "A message from the Wildlife Conservation Society."

    (FX): four bonus honks

    ••• Back to Dave, who delivers a series of eight Charlie Callas honks. ••• Here's another commercial for the Obamacare.
    (FX): real-time drawings

    (upbeat female voice-over): "Let's talk about the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, and what it means to you. Obamacare means you get a host of new benefits and protections. Young adults can now stay on their parents' plan until they turn 26. Insurance companies can't limit the amount of care they'll cover over your lifetime. Also, you're completely covered for any liability when the site crashes, and you throw your computer out the window."

    (animation): An airborne computer takes out an innocent convertible.

    (FX): auto theft alarm, set off by the impact of the computer on the vehicle

    (upbeat female voice-over): "Learn more today by visiting healthcare.gov."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Movie Trivia": "Most movies are made up." / a plug for Red Lobster® ••• desk chat: Dave was happy to have Harrison Ford on last night, and even happier that they stepped out for dinner. / videotape from the restaurant:
    (Dave yammers on, without coming up for air, as Harrison looks around the room for something he can use to kill himself.)
    "This is just great. Thank you very much. We've known other, uh, probably 30 years. You used to come on the old show, and we would talk about stuff, and I was always afraid of you, because you're such a big, big star, but the more you would come on the show, the more I realized we were the same kinda guy. I mean, we like the same kind of things, we do the same sort of things, and I said to myself one day, 'Why don't we be friends?' And I don't mean it like just TV friends... but I mean actually do stuff like this, we'll have like dinner, and then one weekend we could come out to your place, and then another weekend you could, uh, come out to my place. And before you know it, we'd be..."

    (Harrison): "I'm gonna go take a... whiz."

    (Dave, to the audience): "What a prankster! He never came back!"

    ••• Dave delivers approximately 20 Charlie Callas honks, accompanied to a degree by Paul. ••• Top Ten Least Frightening Horror Films / #6: a shout out to an audience lady from "Hygiene, Colorado" ••• Morgan Freeman plugs Last Vegas. / Dave does that thing where he runs down the guest's filmography. ••• The new Pope has broken the mold in many ways. He even calls up civilians. / video: We see Pope Francis doing stand-up comedy. (Well, maybe it's a Jackie Mason voice-over.) ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's associate director Randi Grossack and former writer Tom Ruprecht. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Brian Regan does stand-up. ••• hailing from Scotland: Frightened Rabbit sing. ••• short credits ••• bumper: a Charlie Callas-honking dolphin ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/04/13 [3932]: Dave has an audience shout out to a NYC Marathon runner. ••• [Yesterday's New York City Marathon winners were male: Geoffrey Mutai and female: Priscah Jeptoo.] / "New York City Marathon Winners" / video:

    (title graphic)

    (female voice-over): "Winner of the Men's Open Division: Geoffrey Mutai of Kenya." (clip) "Winner of the Women's Open Division: Priscah Jeptoo of Kenya." (clip) "Winner of the Mixed Singles Division: Ethan Morrison and Mary Lewis of Long Island." (Photoshop fun): They're both in the same pair of pants!

    (voice-over): "Congratulations, runners."

    (title graphic)

    ••• We unloaded Daylight Saving Time on Sunday, as millions gathered in Times Square to watch the clock being turned back. Let's take some time to reflect, shall we? Here's "An Extra Hour: A Look Back." / video:
    (title graphic and music you'd hear in a Ken Burns documentary)

    (animation): A round wall clock at 1:07, 1:19, 1:31, 1:46 and 1:57. (I knew you'd whine if I didn't give you the exact times.)

    (title graphic)

    ••• monologue:
    "Hey, you know who's out there gettin' it done? Justin Bieber. Remember when he was just little Justin Bieber, and he came on the show? Very cute little kid. Well, now, listen to this. There's reports... maybe photographs... of him comin' out of whorehouses in South America. One in Brazil, and one in Central America and one in Panama. The little kid... comin' out of whorehouses! And today they... Justin... announced that he's introducing his own line of penicillin."
    ••• Forbes has named President Vladimir Putin the most powerful person in the world. / You guessed it: It's another round of shirtless Putin photos. ••• Dave plays the Pie Pan Pounder video again. It's truly an instant classic on the Late Show. / The CBSO has another value-added treat for us tonight. It's Giuseppe Verdi's so-called "Anvil Chorus," actually "Coro di zingari," from his 1853 opera, Il trovatore. / music video / Thanks to Micah White, alt.fan.letterman's Sharp-Eared Listener, for enlightening me on the music. / one last thing: If you want to learn more about the opera, watch this YouTube video. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder!": "Now is the time to make your best deal on a pre-owned jack o'lantern." / a plug for the Swiffer Sweeper® ••• desk chat:
    1. Dave offers congratulations to all involved with the New York City Marathon. Without saying so, Dave's referring to tragic outcome of the Boston Marathon on April 15.

    2. Are we all sick of Obamacare? Get in your car and head to Canada, and buy cheap medicine up there. Apparently there's a video circulating of the mayor of Toronto enjoying some crack cocaine. He's dodging direct questions.

    3. Back to Obamacare... Dave was called by Michelle Obama, and agreed to appear in this PSA for Obamacare. I think it's great of Dave to do this, because we get to learn all about our favorite celebrity's puss-laden chancres. They were itchy little rascals. Dave knew it was an affliction worse than bed sores. Eight seconds into his narrative, an audio man (looks like Al Norwood) yanks Dave's microphone.
    ••• [On Saturday, while I was watching my K-State Wildcats whooping Iowa State 41-7, Oprah had a big, honking yard sale. She netted over $600,000 for charity.] / Top Ten Coveted Pieces of Celebrity Memorabilia ••• Woody Harrelson plugs Out of the Furnace. I took the hint to not be messing with Woody's daughters. After all, the dude's a Natural Born Killer. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: writer Matt Kirsch ••• World Series MVP: David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• The Wanted sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: David Ortiz in the World Series finale ••• [The Wanted did a Live on Letterman webcast at 8 ET.]


    Giuseppe Verdi

    11/05/13 [3933]: Governor Christie is running for re-election. / "Chris Christie: Reasonable Republican" / video:

    (It's a series of clips from the campaign trail.)
    • "Well, then I have no interest in answering your question."
    • "Yeah, you know what? First off... it's none of your business."
    • "Your rear end's gonna get thrown in jail, idiot!"
    • "And let me tell you this... you know what?"
    • "You know, you should really see me when I'm pissed."
    • "Are you stupid?"
    (voice-over and title graphic): "Chris Christie. Reasonable Republican."
    ••• David Gregory interviewed Mitt Romney on Meet the Press. / video:
    (David Gregory): "Is there something that he should be concerned about?"

    (Mitt Romney): "Well, I'm not president."

    (David Gregory): "Did you not want to win it enough? How do you rebut that charge?"

    (Mitt Romney): "Well, I'm not president."

    (David Gregory): "How does that tension resolve itself? What's your prescription?"

    (Mitt Romney): "Well, I'm not president."

    (Meet the Press graphic)

    ••• interruption: A young dude in a suit has appeared at Dave's mark while we were watching Mitt.
    (Dave): "Oh, hi!"

    (dude): "Hi!"

    (Dave): "How are you? Nice to see you. May I help you?"

    (dude): "I'm from the network."

    (Dave): "Oh, really?"

    (dude, peeling a sticker off its backing): "Hold still for a minute."

    (Dave): "Sure. What's goin' on?"

    (dude slaps a "DAVE" name tag on our host's suit)

    (Dave): "Oh, it's a name tag!"

    (dude): "Couldn't hurt. Might help."

    (Dave): "Yeah, OK. Great. Thank you very much."

    ••• "What It Means When a Dog Wags Its Tail" / video:
    (title graphic)

    (dog photos to demonstrate the points)

    (voice-over): "When a dog's tail wags primarily to the left, the dog is nervous. When a tail wags to the right, the dog is happy. And when a tail wags with a pair of glasses on it, the dog is saying, 'Very funny, jackass."

    (title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'What It Means When a Dog Wags Its Tail.' "

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "My problem with lilies? No gold coating." / a plug for Macy's® ••• desk chat:

    Dave visits with Paul about videos going viral on the Internet. That's the goal. "You gotta go viral," Paul replies. Dave's thinking of a practical joke, but the Internet won't take it. "You've got to tweet it," Paul says. Dave brought in a couple of confidants and said, "Let's play a practical joke on Kathy Michalcik Mavrikakis." This is going to be one of those popular medical distress practical jokes. / video:

    Dave slips into his office unnoticed. (By the way, he's wearing the same long-sleeved white shirt he had on for his Obamacare PSA yesterday.) He quietly sets the door almost-closed, then quick llke a bunny, he lays down on the floor, flat on his back. Time passes.

    Supervising producer Kathy Mavrikakis speaks as she opens the door, "Dave, I need you to..." before she looks into the room and sees Dave's corpse. (We presume Dave's carcass is still infested with those puss-laden chancres he was whining about last night. Regardless, he has left behind a great-looking corpse, and any remaining chancres are not visible on HDTV.)

    Well, Kathy is so excited about the prospect that her boss, at long last, is deceased, that she doesn't even bother to check his pulse. She takes a step back out of the office and hollers down the hall,"Good news, everybody!!! He's dead!!!!"

    From down the hall and throughout the Ed Sullivan Theater building, we hear the ecstatic voices of Worldwide Pants Incorporated employees, "Yay!!!"

    (Notice that Kathy didn't have to specify who "he" was. Apparently this has been a long-awaited event on Broadway, and Dave's passing needed no further introduction.)

    (Dave): "I'm not dead. Hey... I'm not dead." (He is risen.) "Kathy?"

    ••• Nancy Pelosi presents the Top Ten Things You Never Knew About the House of Representatives. ••• Kathy Griffin, who'll be at Carnegie Hall on Friday ••• For Election Day, Alan Kalter has prepared something for us, as the CBSO plays "Yankee Doodle Dandy." (video)
    Alan proclaims,

    "Be sure to cast your vote today
    It's your chance to have your say
    Take part in democracy
    Get out and vote. Keep us free

    Line up at your polling place
    Help decide a local race
    Voting is a right, you see
    And a responsibility"

    Dave says, "Alan, stop it. I applaud your message, but the polls have been closed for several hours at this point..."

    (Alan): "No, no, no, no!"

    (Dave): "Voting is over. The song is lovely, but you're too late."

    (Alan): "Seriously?"

    (Dave): "Yeah."

    (Alan): "I rehearsed this thing for weeks, Dave."

    (Dave): "Mmm. Sorry."

    (Alan): "I went to Queens. I got a voting booth."

    (Dave): "Really?"

    (Alan): "I rented a costume."

    (Dave, indifferent): "Uh huh."

    (Alan): "That's just great. Complete waste of time and effort. Would have been nice if somebody had told me. Anybody! The whole country can go to hell, for all I care!"

    (Dave): "Now, wait a minute. Let's..."

    (Alan): "I'm done tryin' to help!" (Alan tosses his Uncle Sam hat aside.) "You mouth breathers would be better off under a dictatorship! It's pathetic!"

    (Dave): "OK."

    (Alan exits stage left, and continues his rant): "Pathetic! Pathetic!" He's hard to understand offstage, but he's hollering about North Korea and an open society, then mocks, "Alan, let's do the voting song before Election Day. I can't be expected to think of everything. You're not blameless in this fiasco, Letterman! You could have said something. I know you want me to fail! Where's the accountability? Where? This isn't the country I grew up in! This isn't the country I love. Where's the decency? Anyone? Anyone? Talk to me, Dave! Talk to me! I've given up! I'm givin' up! Awwwwww, screw it!"

    (Dave, giggling throughout): "I just want to... I just wanted to see how much he had."

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Bruce McCall visits with Dave about the book about really rich people they wrote together, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild. It's full of funny, surreal drawings of the excess of the rich and famous. For example, one hotshot had the top of Mount Everest lopped off and delivered to his neighborhood. (video)

    ••• out of commercial: Dave announces a prize for the person who buys the most copies of his book from Amazon... preferably a thousand or so. The winner gets to come to NYC and sit in the publisher's lobby. ••• J.Cole sings. (He's too cool to have a space in his name.) ••• Alan Kalter (back from his rant) says good night. ••• [J.Cole does a "Live on Letterman" webcast at 9 ET.]

    11/06/13 [3934]: [Bill De Blasio is the new mayor of New York City. He's a tall one... somewhere between 6' 5" and 6' 7".] ••• There was no White House Tour during the government shutdown, but it's back now. / video:

    (CBS This Morning clip): inside the White House, with Michelle Obama shaking hands with school kids

    (voice-over): "The White House is once again open to the public. Tours have begun on a limited basis, seven months after they stopped, due to government budget cuts. Tourists can now see all of the White House's most iconic rooms, and get a first-hand look at the president's desk in the Oval Office. Garrett Monroe, CBS News."

    (in the clip): A lady loads Barack's phone into her bag.

    ••• interruption: That tall, gray-haired man who plays unnamed politicians from time to time shows up at Dave's mark.
    (politician): "Hello, David."

    (Dave): "Hi. How are you?"

    (politician): "I'm well, thank you. You know, I'm told the show has never been better."

    (Dave): "Yeah, great. Thank you very much."

    (politician): "Oh, thank you. You know, if it weren't for your endorsement, I never would have been able to pull off what experts believe is the greatest upset in the history of politics!! Thank you. To the people who voted for me, I say, 'Thank you!' "

    The politician thanks his constituents in Spanish. I know this because he says "Gracias." Then it's French, because he says, "Merci." German? Yup. "Danke."

    (Dave): "Alright, fine. That's enough. Thank you. Thank you very much."

    (politician): throws confetti in the air, then poses for a picture with Dave

    (Dave): "What is that now? What? What was that?"

    (politician): "I guess... I guess we're not doin' the photo, huh?"

    (Dave): "No, we're not doin' the photo. Just get out. Thank you very much."

    (politician): "Thank you everybody, and God bless America!"

    (CBSO): "God Bless America"

    ••• Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) recently got caught plagiarizing. He's blaming it on an office mix-up. / video:
    (clip): Senator Paul, making a speech (no audio)

    (voice-over): "In the face of the charges leveled against him, Rand Paul wishes to say, 'I am not a plagiarist. Furthermore,

    I think it's gonna be a long, long time
    'til touch down brings me 'round again to find
    I'm not the man they think I am at home.

    Oh no, no, no...
    I'm a rocket man.' "

    (voice-over with portrait of the Senator): "Rand Paul: 'I'm a rocket man.' "

    (me): It goes something like this.

    ••• [Gov. Chris Christie won re-election in a landslide last night.] / "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie: A Look Back" / video: It's a compilation of Governor Christie's dining while speechifying, concluding with him showing his happy tummy. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Baby Naming Suggestion": "Yes, you should name your baby." / a plug for Kashi® ••• "New Books"
    • Who's Who of Frank Sinatra's Offspring, a Marquis Who's Who Publication

    • What's Become of Me?, by Matt Lauer (in drag)

    • Poetry That Will Get You Laid

    • The Big Book of Exercises You'll Never Do

    • Watching Hoover Get Old and Die of Natural Causes, by Big Bill O'Reilly and Martin Dugard

    • Photographs of Gay Animals, from the National Geographic Society

    • Leonard Maltin's Guide to His Own Sex Tapes
    •••
    Natalie Portman is here to tell us about Thor: The Dark World. This is her 16th appearance on the Late Show. We're used to seeing her around Thanksgiving, with her first visit with Dave going back to November 28, 1994, when she was 13. Natalie drops a bombshell on us. Before long she is moving to France, as her hubby, Benjamin Millepied, is going to be the new director of the Paris Opera Ballet. All I can say is, he must be somethin' if he can be married to Natalie Portman. By the way, she had a bit of a mishap in London, when she accidentally almost set fire to Buckingham Palace. (video)
    ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Chris Elliott and Dave's hair tamer, John DiGioia ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
    Chris Elliott plugs Eagleheart. He shows up in one of those kind of metallic-looking capes that marathon runners wear after finishing a race. He claims he ran in the New York Marathon on Sunday. I can't find any proof of it, but he's skinnier than we've ever seen him. Chris has brought a clip of him effortlessly keeping up with winner Geoffrey Mutai of Kenya, through the miracle of green screen technology.

    Uh oh. Take us to DefCon 2. Our pal Gerard Mulligan strolls onstage unannounced. Gerard claims that he's still running the marathon. In fact, he gets into medical distress soon after appearing. Chris, truly a heroic bastard, performs CPR on Gerard. (OK, they're making out. Dear Lord, that was unpleasant. You boys need to get a room!) @GerardMulligan1 survives his episode, able to return to his hobby of tweeting mean things about Republicans every evening. It's always great to have these two legends on the show. (video)

    Watch for Chris's next movie appearance in 2014, in Renaissance Girl. He plays an insult artist.

    Remember back on Late Night, when every so often we'd see Chris's gut? Now, that was something. And remember when Chris played Gerard's baby? Adorable!

    ••• James Blunt sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: Chris in the New York Marathon (or green screen thereof)

    11/07/13 [3935]: [It seems that the mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, loves crack.] / "Sorry, Rob" / video:

    (title graphic and peppy 50s theme song)

    (photo): Toronto

    (voice-over): "This photo of Toronto's City Hall depicts snow, not crack."

    (photo): Rob's chubby face, showing disappointment

    (voice-over): "Sorry, Rob!"

    (FX): slide whistle

    (voice-over): "Enjoy your Canadian Football League."

    (title graphic and peppy 50s theme song)

    ••• New York has an outgoing mayor who's 5' 8", and a new mayor who's 6' 7". The two had a meeting. / Photoshop fun: The new mayor is smoking, and is holding a Super Big Gulp beverage. ••• "Get to Know Bill De Blasio" / video:
    (title graphic and patriotic music)

    (photo): Bill on the campaign trail

    (voice-over): "Bill de Blasio is an adult male human. A warm-blooded vertebrate, he exhales carbon dioxide, he has stereoscopic vision and is a biped. This has been 'Get to Know Bill de Blasio.' "

    (title graphic)

    ••• It's another term for Gov. Chris Christie! He had himself a landslide. After the election, he assured constitutents that he'd finish the job he started. / video:
    (Christie, orating): "This government, our first job is to get the job done. And as long as I'm governor, that job will always, always be finished."

    (me): Wait. What just happened?

    (FX): We hear a crunching sound. The New Jersey plate on the front of his lectern falls right off. Underneath it is a completely different plate, proclaiming "CHRIS CHRISTIE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016."

    ••• On the Today Show today, Matt Lauer and Al Roker had that thing with the glove. Dave calls for the standard Joe Theismann clip, but it's not loaded. Please stand by. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "Always stretch before bullfighting." / a plug for the GMC Sierra ••• Top Ten Things People Said While Watching the Today Show Prostate Exams intro / Oops. Something's not quite right. Anton Fig failed to deliver the usual drum roll after Jerry Foley ran the montage.
    (Dave): "So here we go. Number 10. Hmm? Number 10. Wait a minute. Hold it. What... where is the, uh... Paul..."

    (Paul): "I know. There should be a drumroll."

    (Dave): "Anton, where is the drumroll, Anton? For God's sakes!"

    (Anton): "Oh, I'm sorry, Dave. I just got so wrapped up in your new book, This Land Is Made for You and Me, but Mostly Me. It's a brilliant parody of the lifestyle of the one percent. Well done, sir!"

    (Paul): "Ahhh!"

    (Dave): "Thanks, Anton."

    (Dave picks up and shows a copy of the book.)

    (Paul): "There's the book there!"

    (Dave): "There it is, right there!"

    (Paul): "This is a real product. This is not a joke."

    (Dave): "Yeah. The brilliant Bruce McCall."

    (Paul): "And you!"

    (Dave): "And it's one hilarious photo after another. And, you know, I believe the holidays are just around the corner. And, as I've said before, you buy these through... you don't go to bookstores anymore. Bookstores are now Starbucks, so don't go to the bookstores. If you buy these in any measurable quantity through Amazon (and we can trace the sales), whoever buys the most in bulk through Amazon, I will fly you and a friend in, put you up in a medium hotel..."

    (Paul): "Mediocre."

    (Dave): "I didn't say mediocre. I said medium."

    (Paul): "Medium."

    (Paul): "Excuse me. My mistake."

    (Dave): "And you and your friend will get to spend the day sitting in the lobby of Penguin Publishing."

    ••• Top Ten Things People Said While Watching the Today Show Prostate Exams ••• Dave shows a picture of Matt Lauer's blonde-girl-in-a-swimming-suit Halloween get-up. (He's a grown man, with a family.) ••• Kelly Ripa plugs Live. She has cute little fishies on her outfit. ••• "Late Show Star Theater," sponsored by Stuffo.
    (Alan Kalter announces tonight's show.)

    (Dave's at a demonstration table, in this grainy, black and white program.): "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman with a sensational discovery out of Canada for all your your household needs: Stuffo! It's rich. It's yellow. That's right. Processed, refined and rendered four different times, Stuffo has a low, low price, and it's unbelievably digestible. Plus, it's yellow! See what Canadians have been talking about. Try Stuffo. Available many places."

    (Alan): "Stuffo, in one-pound canisters, or three-pound bricks."

    (Dave): "Well be right back with Cobie Smulders."

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I've told you a million times to exaggerate." ••• desk chat: Dave amuses himself by taking selfies with an iPhone. ••• Cobie Smulders plugs How I Met Your Mother and an upcoming movie, Delivery Man. She and Dave take a selfie. ••• Gary Clark, Jr. sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/08/13 [3936]: Comparative literature is the topic of tonight's audience shout out, as in, "You will never have a job." ••• "Good News Great News" / video:

    (title graphic and orchestra music)

    (voice-over): "Good news for Chris Christie."

    (Brian Williams on the NBC Nightly News): "In New Jersey, a landslide win for the Republican, Chris Christie..."

    (voice-over): "Great news."

    (Money Matters anchor): "...for Lay's® has just introduced their new Chocolate Covered Potato Chips."

    (graphic and voice-over): "Congratulations, Governor Christie."

    ••• Matt Lauer and Al Roker had the thing with the glove on the Today Show yesterday, which brings us to "Wacky Proctologist." / video:
    (title graphic and wacky theme song)

    (comedian doctor): "What he doesn't know is I had to lose five pounds in order to make my finger a little smaller."

    (FX): rim shot

    (title graphic and wacky theme song)

    ••• Vice-President Biden was trying to call an election winner yesterday, and took a long time to realize he had the wrong dude. Here's some tape of him getting mixed up on the Pope while in Vatican City. / video: Joe's having a lengthy visit with a statue of a Pope. ••• Astronomers have announced that there are an estimated 40 billion planets similar to earth. (They're called Class M planets on Star Trek.) Earth, not feeling so special anymore, put together a fine promotional campaign. / video:
    (photo): earth from space

    (chorus):

    Earth! It really is one heck of a rock
    Earth! The whole galaxy is starting to talk
    We've got mountains and rivers and flora galore
    And humans and pizza and more
    The planet earth! Home of gold, diamonds, rubies and pearls
    Earth! If it could be, it'd be out of this world!
    We've got hammocks and jet skis and Nicolas Cage
    10,000 years without an ice age
    That's planet earth!

    (graphic): arctic scene with red "no" circle over it

    (Michael Z. McIntee voice-over): "For more information on earth, ask a cop!"

    ••• It's another "Wacky Proctologist" / video:
    (title graphic and wacky theme song)

    (comedian doctor): "For the second opinion, we're going to use two fingers."

    (title graphic and wacky theme song)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I'm thinking of a number from one to ten... just FYI." / a plug for DirecTV® ••• desk chat: It's Barack Obama, President of the United States, on the DAVE phone.
    (Dave): "Mr. President, is that you? Are you there?"

    (President Barack Obama): "Hi!"

    (Dave): "Listen, we all know you're a busy man. Thank you very much for doing this. Let's talk about healthcare.gov. Is that... is that web site working?"

    (President Barack Obama): "It is thriving. It is growing..."

    (Dave): "Uh huh. Well, I'm glad to hear that! How many people, now, have signed up for healthcare.gov?"

    (President Barack Obama): "Seven."

    (Dave): "I'm sorry... did you say 'seven,' Mr. President?"

    (President Barack Obama): "We tend to focus on the negative."

    (Dave): "Mmm hmm. OK. Now, um, there are some issues... uh... the government shutdown, the health care, the NSA spying charges. Do you feel like this a crossroads moment for your presidency?"

    (President Barack Obama): "This is a lot like in the Hannah Montana movie. Uh, Billy Ray says, 'Go get 'em, Baby!' "

    (Dave): "Um... now, I saw over the weekend, your former presidential rival, Mitt Romney, was on Meet the Press, and he was criticizing you, your administration and your campaign. What do you have to say about those comments?"

    (President Barack Obama): "He's a jackass!"

    (Dave): "Now, I'm curious about one thing. If Hillary Clinton is elected in 2016, would you consider serving as her Secretary of State?"

    (President Barack Obama): "It's sorta like gettin', uh, Mickey Mantle to play Triple A."

    (Dave): "Yeah. That makes sense. Now, I know you're very busy, Mr. President. Is there anything else that you would like to say?"

    (President Barack Obama): "I'm an amateur beekeeper!"

    (Dave): "OK. I'm sorry. What was that, Mr. President?"

    (President Barack Obama): hangs up / dial tone

    ••• [Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been videotaped smoking crack, and threatening to kill someone. He explained he was in a drunken stupor at the time.] / Top Ten Uncanny Resemblences to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford ••• Tom Brokaw plugs his new documentary, Where Were You the Day JFK Died. (I was in 8th grade. I saw the school janitor saying something to my teacher at the end of noon hour. She told us in the classroom, and had us pray for him.) ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Martin Van Beveren, electrician ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Rhys Darby does stand-up. ••• Black Joe Lewis sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/11/13 [3937]: [John Kerry, speaking skeptically about Iran's nuclear fuel development last week, said, "We are not blind, and I don't think we're stupid."] / Secretary of State John Kerry: Speaking for America" / video:

    (title graphic)

    (Kerry): "I don't think we're stupid."

    (title graphic)

    ••• out of nowhere, probably a shout out to the mayor of Toronto, this Chyron text:

    DAVID LETTERMAN
    Not on Crack

    ••• Oh, great. Here we go again. It's President Pooty's shirtless pictures. ••• Governor Christie is being accused of using taxpayers' money for his extravagent lifestyle. Here's more from CNN. / video:

    (news channel video)

    (voice-over): "Opponents of Chris Christie say he has spent excessive amounts on luxurious travel, with the taxpayers covering the bill. We asked about the accusations during an exclusive interview on the governor's campaign bus, and he denied all charges that he stays at luxury hotels, dines at fancy restaurants and requires a van full of Pepsi® wherever he goes."

    (now visible from the window of the moving bus): a van full of Pepsi®

    (voice-over): "Jake Tapper, CNN, Trenton."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Kodiak bears can weigh up to 1,500 pounds, according to the few people who've convinced one to get on a scale." / a plug for Zantac® ••• desk chat:
    Dave shows Bruce McCall's awesome drawings from This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild. He repeats his promise that if you can prove you bought the largest quantity of books ever sold on Amazon, he'll put you up in a nice hotel, and you can hang out in the publisher's lobby. (This is an upgrade from last week's promise to put up the winner in a "medium" hotel. (me): My copy of the book came today!

    ••• It's the third collection of tweets for #AskLetterman.
    • Don Schneider @SauDuke: "Do you have any advice for college students seeking a career in broadcasting?" / Dave: "Oh, don't get me started on that!"

    • unknown: "What is your nickname when you were a kid?" / Dave: "Princess."

    • unknown: "At tapings, you come out first, but no one realizes that the show starts one second after that. Why?" / Dave: "I've heard this before, that I come out, and Paul comes out, the kids dance, he takes their coats, we fix them drinks, I come out... greet everybody... wish everybody well, and then I go back and I come out, and people seem to be confused. (dumb guy voice): 'How do we know? Has the show started?' "

    • Jim somebody (can't read his name): "Who plays the sound effects on the show?" / Dave: "I think his name is Rick." (Late Show "NO" buzzer) / Dave: "I think it's Bob. I think it's Bob, is who it is." (Late Show "NO" buzzer) / Dave: "Is it Rodney?" (Late Show "NO" buzzer) / Dave: "Randy?" (Late Show "NO" buzzer) / Dave: "Gary." (Late Show "YES" bell)
    ••• Julianna Margulies plugs The Good Wife, and reflects on her days on E.R. with pretty boy George Clooney. ••• Top Ten Questions People Have About Lady Gaga's Flying Dress (including an audience shout out to Dave Peters) ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: John Klarl, head talent researcher •••
    Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan suggests that we contribute to the World Food Programme, in the aftermath of a terrible typhoon in the Philippines. Go to WFP.ORG/TYPHOON to make a donation, or text "AID" to 27722 to make a $10 donation.
    •••
    Army Chief of Staff, General Ray Odierno visits with Dave on this Veterans' Day on Iraq, Afghanistan and the importance of jobs and education for returning veterans.
    ••• Moon Taxi sing in their network debut. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/12/13 [3938]: I'm calling this episode "What the Hell? Night." I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette tomorrow. Read on, and you'll understand. ••• We begin with an altered intro from Alan Kalter, which I believe is the first digression since the new version debuted on 1/02/13:

    "Broadcasting from the heart of Broadway, across the nation and around the world, it's America's most-popular and longest-running TV fishing show, the Late Show with David Letterman!"
    ••• Seconds later, the next surprise is Dave appearing in a sports coat. This may be the only one of 3938 episodes when Dave didn't wear a suit. Not a good look, if you ask me. ••• "Obamacare Success Stories" / video:
    (title graphic and uplifting music)

    We see writers' assistant Mike Leech as Mitch Goulderman, a computer programmer from Falls Church, Virginia.

    Mike turns to the camera and says, "I still don't have health insurance, but the government is paying me ten grand a week to fix their health care web site!"

    A smiling Mike gives a thumbs up.

    (title graphic and uplifting music)

    (me): I think Mike should have been shirtless. We all want to see that tattoo of the face of Tony Mendez on his chest.

    ••• interruption: Pat Farmer shows up at Dave's monologue mark yet again. Here we go:
    (Dave): "Hi, ladies and gentlemen. Look, it's our stagehand, Pat Farmer. Hey, Pat. What's goin' on? What can I do for you? How have you been, buddy?"

    (Pat): "Dave, I've got a good one for you. You're gonna like this."

    (Dave): "Yeah. OK, go!"

    (Pat): "Today's date is 11... 12... 13."

    (Dave): "1962?" (This is an audience shout out to a guy wearing a sweatshirt with a giant "1962" on it.) "Huh? Is it?"

    (Pat): "That's November 11..."

    (Dave): "November 11, yeah."

    (Pat): "12..."

    (Dave): "12..."

    (Pat): "2013."

    (Dave): "2103. OK, yeah. That's great. I understand that, Pat."

    (Pat): "It gets better!"

    (Dave): "Oh! OK."

    (Pat): "This is the 14th time I've interrupted you on the show this year."

    (Dave): "Wow! You know, it..."

    (Pat): "11, 12, 13, 14."

    (Dave): "Yeah. It feels like, uh, more, honestly."

    (Pat): "To be continued next year, Dave, on 12... 13... 14."

    (Dave): "Right."

    (Pat, raising his hand): "High five!"

    (Dave, with hands in pockets): "Naw, that's OK. We'll see you..."

    (Pat): "Later?"

    (Dave): "Yeah, later."

    (Paul): "Later."

    (me): It's not the 14th time Pat has interrupted Dave at his monologue mark this year. It's the 10th, but that sort of messes up the theme, doesn't it? Never mind.

    ••• Bacon seems to be the hot item of late. For example, my school, Kansas State, did a free bacon promotion last Friday, to lure students to Women's Basketball. A company is selling bacon-scented deodorant. As you might expect, Oscar Mayer® is reacting to the bacon-scented craze. It's genius! / video:
    (supermarket scene)

    (female voice-over): "The market is saturated with bacon-scented products: candles, lip balm, deodorant. It's time for something new! Introducing Unscented Bacon™! Only from Oscar Mayer®."

    (clip): bacon frying

    (voice-over continues): "No frills. No gimmicks. No smell. Unscented Bacon™. Find us in your chemically-altered meats aisle."

    ••• NBC has plans to relaunch Murder, She Wrote, but without Angela Lansbury, who is less than pleased. (Dave takes a little side trip, telling about the sleepy Maine town, Cabot Cove, which averaged 52 murders per year. Dave: "It was crazy! It was like Detroit, with lobster traps.") / video:
    (NBC peacock logo)

    (female voice-over and Lansbury photos): "Upon hearing the news NBC is rebooting the classic show, Murder She Wrote, actress Angela Lansbury says, 'It's a mistake for NBC to call a new series Murder, She Wrote.' She further goes on to say, 'You think I'm going to put up with this crap?' 'You think I'm afraid of you?' 'I've been to prison and have no problem going back.' 'I'll take us all straight to hell.' 'You hear me, NBC?' 'I will Angela Lans-bury you.' Angela Lansbury: five-time Tony Award winner."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "How do you extinguish a smoldering mountain of old tires in your backyard? Asking for a friend." / a plug for Target® ••• desk chat:
    1. The staff did some research on that 1962 shirt the audience guy is wearing. It's not Oshkosh®.

    2. The mayor of Toronto has created quite a stir by smoking crack cocaine. He denied it until shown videotape, then blamed a drunken stupor. Let's see some pictures of the 340-pound mayor. / "Is It an Actual Rob Ford Photo?" /

      Dave starts looking through the blue cards on his desk for the material to go with the photos. He asks, "Where do I get the thing? Is there a thing?" He looks over at Nancy Agostini and the producers. He means he wants a set of blue cards for the segment. Nancy shakes her head "no." "Well, that ain't right," Dave whines. Nancy suggests that "we stop." Paul starts playing a keyboard interlude. Dave sings along for a bit, snapping his fingers to the beat. He tires of that and says, "We've gotta get those big cards onto these little cards." He takes up the matter with Tony Mendez. Then Dave questions Paul, who likes both approaches. They debate the merits of each. "I think the small card gives you more of an intimate feel," Dave opines. Dave whistles for a while. "What should we do?" Paul inquires. Jerry Foley gets a shot of the side staff entrance. There's no one to be seen! Dave asks Paul about Victoria, who's in college, and wants to be a TV talk show host. William Wood Lee Shaffer is a junior varsity football quarterback in high school. Paul asks if Dave has any advice for Victoria about the talk show host industry. "Small cards," Dave replies. Jerry Foley sends a handheld camera to the previously-unseen back room, where Mike McIntee works his magic during tapings. The room is stuffed. Mike's busily at work, and never turns around. After all, blue cards are his specialty. Executive producer Rob Burnett's in there to save the day. Executive producer Matt Roberts is busy with a script. Dave sees his industrious staff hard at work and says, "It's like the North Pole on Christmas Eve." Paul runs with the idea, and starts playing "Sleigh Ride," and Dave starts singing along. Matt Roberts runs out to Dave's desk with a blue card or two. Dave blows off everything and says, "And that's how you play 'Is It an Actual Rob Ford Photo?' " The CBSO plays the segment theme song. Dave goes to commercial. Everyone lived happily ever after.

      (me): It's an instant classic segment, taking us back to the "never stop tape" days of Late Night with David Letterman... those thrilling days of yesteryear. Here's video of this very fun five minutes.

    ••• Top Ten Questions Most Frequently Answered, "Bacon" / #6 is a shout out to the 1692 guy. •••

    Michael J. Fox plugs The Michael J. Fox Show on NBC. He has dealt with Parkinson's for 20+ years now, and his courage should inspire anyone. He even jumped in on the last stretch of the New York Marathon last weekend! (video)
    •••
    Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan suggests that we contribute to the World Food Programme, in the aftermath of a terrible typhoon in the Philippines. Go to WFP.ORG/TYPHOON to make a donation, or text "AID" to 27722 to make a $10 donation.
    ••• Apple® recently unveiled the iPad Mini™. / "New Tech Products with Vince Connors" / It turns out Vince is a karate expert, or some kind of marshal arts guy. He proceeds to destoy four phony iPads with his bare hands. ••• Lorde sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Lorde did a "Live on Letterman" webcast at 8 ET.]

    11/13/13 [3939]: Alan Kalter's opening is modified for the second evening in a row:

    "From the heart of Broadway, across the nation and around the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman!"
    ••• It's another throwback to Late Night, as our memories take us four blocks southeast to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, and that time the giant rat knocked over the giant Christmas tree. (It was 12/09/87.) That was one well-fed rat! It was probably having a 'roid rage. ••• American Airways and U.S. Airways are merging. How will the others compete? / CNN video:
    (photo): the United States Capitol

    (clips): airplanes, runways

    (voice-over): "The Justice Department has cleared the way for American Airlines and U.S. Airways to merge, resulting in the world's largest airline. In order to compete, every other airline will merge, creating United Virgin, South Delta, Altantic Blue West, Sun Aloha, Frontier Spirit, Alaska Jet, Airlines Airways."

    ••• monologue:
    (Dave): "Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines." / Then Dave asks, "What is that, Tony? What is that exactly?"

    Jerry gets a shot of Tony, who's holding a cue card-sized cartoon version of his monologue joke. It's a Bazooka Joe trading card.

    (Tony): "It came with the gum."

    (me): I have a few of Tony's cue cards. They're 14" x 22", so that's some piece of gum.

    ••• President Obama has a lot to apologize for of late. / "A History of Presidential Apologies" / video:
    (title graphic and Freeplay music)

    (voice-overs):

    "1961: President Kennedy took responsibility for the failure of the Bay of Pigs invasion."

    "1977: President Nixon admitted he let the American people down with the Watergate scandal."

    "1841: President William Henry Harrison apologized for dying two weeks after taking office."

    (Photoshop fun): tombstone inscription:

    WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON
    1773—1841
    Big deal — I didn't
    get a flu shot.

    (title graphic and voice-over): "This has been 'A History of Presidential Apologies.' "

    ••• Remember Black Friday? Walmart is going to be open on Thanksgiving. / video:
    (clips): Black Friday shoppers

    (female voice-over): "Hey, shoppers. Forget Black Friday! You can now start your holiday shopping on Thanksgiving Day at Walmart. Shop with us, then enjoy Thanksgiving dinner at home with your family. Or even better, shop during Thanksgiving dinner."

    (father of a family of four, to a Walmart employee): "Could you take us to Housewares?"

    (employee): "Sure."

    (father): "Thank you."

    (voice-over): "Walmart. Save money. Live better."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "If this van's a-rockin', let me know so I can replace the worn springs, shocks, and bushings!" / a plug for Southern Comfort® ••• Dave claims the People's Choice Awards are expanding categories. / video:
    (clip): Thanksgiving dinner

    (voice-over): "It's almost Thanksgiving turkey time, and that means it's time for the People's Giblet Choice Awards. Will this be the year gizzard beats out liver, or will a late surge put heart or neck over the top? Cast your vote now, at peopleschoice.com/giblets, and tune in the awards telecast, hosted by Paul Shaffer."

    (title graphic and voice-over): "The People's Giblet Choice Awards. November 27. Only on CBS."

    (Paul): "Thank you. You know, the way I look at it, a gig is a gig is a givling gig."

    ••• desk chat: Breakfast cereal sales are declining, as consumers are cutting down on carbs. What's the #1 cereal? Cheerios. #2: Special K. #3: Post Honey Bunches of Oats. / Top Ten Least Popular Breakfast Cereals / #10: Trix with Ticks / #7: Average K / #3: Richie Incognit-Os •••
    Samuel L. Jackson plugs Oldboy. He's been in over 100 movies to date. In fact, recently he's in a commercial for something-or-other on the Late Show every night. Unfortunately, Samuel L. got himself a separated left shoulder while making a movie. He's not going to get it fixed, because of the recovery time involved. We see an x-ray of his runaway clavicle. He wants to be in the alleged next Star Wars, but hasn't swung the deal yet. Samuel L. is sure a forthcoming and colorful guest, who has endless stories.
    •••
    Yesterday at Christie's, Francis Bacon's triptych, Three Studies of Lucian Freud, was auctioned for $127,000,000. Naturally, the nice people at Christie's wanted to send it by the Late Show before shipping to the new owner. The curtain is raised. There it is... considerably larger than you'd guess. Two white-gloved caretakers stand on either side. It was a nice commission for Christie's: $15,000,000. Oops. Several people, including a cheerleader, burst through the priceless work, just like high school football players before a game. That's sort of too bad. I think this is going to end up in court. It was a really stupid-looking painting, anyway. I don't get artsy people.
    ••• Here's better art work... the latest "Backstage Photo Club" card, with talent coordinator Jenny Chapin and Bono. •••
    Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan suggests that we contribute to the World Food Programme, in the aftermath of a terrible typhoon in the Philippines. Go to WFP.ORG/TYPHOON to make a donation, or text "AID" to 27722 to make a $10 donation.
    ••• Chris Matthews visits with Dave, giving us a perspective on the current state of non-cooperation within Congress, and with the president. There's little compromise anymore, compared to not that many years ago. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/14/13 [3940]: Alan Kalter's opening remains the same for the second evening in a row:

    "From the heart of Broadway, across the nation and around the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman!"
    ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to a lady from Newfoundland. ••• For the second time this week, Dave shows up in a sport coat... this time a gray coat and dark pants. ••• monologue:
    "Here in New York City, we have a new mayor. Are you aware of that? His name is Rick [sic] de Blasio. He's 6' 7" tall, and his wife is a former lesbian. She is a former lesbian, although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice. Yes, she said that's her former life. She is no longer a lesbian. She even turned in her Subaru Forester. So... and... not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor... current mayor... not to be confused with him. He's a former leprechaun."
    ••• Here's more fun with crack aficionado Rob Ford: "Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: Master Statesman" / video:
    (title graphic and uplifting music)

    (Mayor Ford): "I will retract it... the word ass."

    (title graphic)

    ••• "Vladimir Putin: Something for the Ladies" / video:
    (title graphic)

    (soundtrack): porno music

    (clip): We see President Pooty in one of those white marshal arts outfits, sporting his black belt, of course. He's gyrating his midsection, presumably to warm up before his marshal artsy thing. Jerry Foley replays it with some slo-mo.

    (voice-over): "See you next time on 'Vladimir Putin: Something for the Ladies.' "

    (title graphic)

    ••• [It's the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address, delivered by Abe on November 19, 1863. Ken Burns got the idea to ask Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter to begin and end a video in which lawmakers and celebrities read sentences from the address. (learntheaddress.org) (I can deliver the Gettysburg address in English or in Morse Code, if you have the time, as I memorized it in 8th grade.) / "The Address: A Film by Ken Burns" / video:
    (title graphic)

    (President Bill Clinton): "Fourscore and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation,"

    (President Jimmy Carter): "...conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."

    (President George W. Bush): It's the Late Show's favorite clip, of W. waiting for his cue to give a presidential address, looking around the room.

    (title graphic)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Tech Tip": "Use the word 'tech' when you don't have time to say 'technology.' " / a plug for American Express ••• desk chat:
    OK... get comfy. I'm reporting Dave's 5½-minute account of his evening last night, Nov. 13. We're going to learn why Dave doesn't go out.

    Billy Crystal's autobiographical 700 Sundays has returned to Broadway through the holidays, at the Imperial Theater, 249 West 45th Street. Hey! That's across the street from Junior's Cheesecake, a first-night hangout for DaveCon participants. OK... where was I?

    Dave says the nine-week run is sold out. Dave and Paul were there for a delightful evening, except for intermission. Regis and Joy were just behind Dave, who ignored Regis for the first half of the play, since something's wrong with him. "Don't take that lighted match near the dynamite," Dave says. He continues, "There are certain unbending laws of nature, and having a conversation with Regis Philbin in public is one of them you don't want to break." At intermission, Dave hears Regis say, "Boy, I can hardly wait to see what happens in the second half." Dave turned to Regis and said, "That's all you have?" (He was expecting him to misbehave.) What? It's not a murder mystery. Uh oh. It's like the kerosene and the dynamite. The fuse has been lit. Regis goes off with, "What do you mean? What's wrong with that? Why can't I say that?" Well, that's all it took. Then Joy pipes up, "Yeah. Why can't he say that?" At this point Regis jumps up, out of his seat. He's in the aisle, running up and down the aisle like a monkey. Meanwhile, the theater lights are flickering, signaling that it's time to sit down. Then Regis spots Kareem Abdul Jabbar in the balcony, and starts hollering, trying to get his attention. Dave says, "My hand to God, ushers swarmed Regis, dragged him out, kicking and screaming. Joy had to pick up her coat, Regis's coat and her purse, and I've never seen a woman more humiliated in my life, as the play is beginning. Billy Crystal is onstage, ready to start, watching these two... he doesn't know... scofflaws, ne'er-do-wells, bums... being hustled out of the theater! And that's why I don't go out." (video)

    ••• Top Ten Things Going Through Rob Ford's Mind at This Moment / #6: a shout out to the lady from Newfoundland •••
    Claire Danes plugs HBO's Homeland. She first appeared on the Late Show at the age of 16, just after "Rupert's Soup of the Day," on 7/18/95. Claire has a baby, who's just learning to walk and talk. The little dude is 11 months old. (Parents universally refuse to refer to their babies as 0 years old.) She is always a fun guest. Dave forgot to mention their shared birthday of April 12. This was her 12th appearance.
    •••
    "Animals Reenact the News" / Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford had an eight-second pause when asked on camera if he had ever purchased illegal drugs. Right here, on our stage, are two black pedestals. On one is a turtle, and on the other is a big, chubby guinea pig. The question and delayed answer are re-enacted by way of onscreen text.
    •••
    Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan suggests that we contribute to the World Food Programme, in the aftermath of a terrible typhoon in the Philippines. Go to WFP.ORG/TYPHOON to make a donation, or text "AID" to 27722 to make a $10 donation.
    •••
    Will Forte plugs Nebraska. Hey! Dave forgot to mention that the home office is still in Wahoo, Nebraska. (I've got to go there sometime. Wahoo is 140 miles north of me.) Anyway, Will was a writer on the Late Show from 1997-98. (credits) One day he appeared with Dave in a segment called "Everything's Funnier When Someone Gets Hurt." I found one in my episode logs, dated 6/30/97, but my notes say Calvert was involved. I wouldn't have known who Will was 16 years ago.
    ••• Metric sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: the turtle and the chubby bunny ••• [Lady Antebellum do a "Live on Letterman" webcast at 9 ET.]

    11/15/13 [3941]: "From the heart of Broadway, across the nation and around the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman!" ••• That crackpot Mayor Rob Ford of Toronto is selling bobblehead dolls of himself for charity. That is, he was until they sold out. / CNN video:

    (screen capture from CNN)

    (reporter): "Embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford was at City Hall this morning, selling and autographing limited-edition Rob Ford bobblehead dolls. The bobbleheads feature the mayor's signature blonde hair, portly figure and ability to absorb blows to the head."

    (The mayor was looking down while walking, and apparently walked into a large, handheld video camera.)

    (reporter): "Rachel Dillon, CNN, Toronto."

    (graphic): CNN logo

    ••• Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio, or whatever Dave is calling him this evening (Dickie), got married to a retired lesbian. It's a big story on the Late Show, if not elsewhere. Not everyone is thrilled about the Mrs. / video:
    (crime show music, I think)

    (voice-over): "Have you seen men these days? Why would anyone stop being a lesbian?"

    (photos of handsome bastards): Rob Ford, Steven Tyler, John Sununu, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Moore, Andy Dick, Donald Trump, Sen. Mitch McConnell and David Letterman

    (photo): two stunningly beautiful, 30-ish blonde females hugging in a park

    (voice-over): "A Message from Lesbians."

    ••• 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. / video:
    (photos): The White House, Barack Obama

    (voice-over): "The White House has announced figures for the Obamacare health plan. The first month yielded only 106,000 online registrations for the president's plan. Even more disappointing: it turned out to be one man, who accidentally signed up 106,000 times."

    (animation): HealthCare.gov web site in use / dude keeps clicking on the "COMPLETE REGISTRATION" icon

    (voice-over): "Larry Fleb, CNN, Washington."

    (graphic): CNN logo

    ••• People are working on the next Thor sequel. / video:
    (movie clips)

    (voice-over): "First, Thor had to defeat his own brother. Then he had to battle a dark force threatening to destroy the universe. And now Thor must retrieve his hammer, when it's stolen by the most terrifying villain of all. Gallagher, in Hammer of Thor... coming soon."

    (clip): Gallagher destroys a watermelon with a hammer. He makes quite a mess.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Fun Fact": "Olive Oyl is the most famous cartoon character named after a fatty organic liquid." / a plug for The Lincoln Wish List Event •••

    "Small Town News" / (video)

    • The Taos News, Taos, New Mexico: police blotter: "A resident reported "the church kids are having way too much fun outside."

    • The North Vernon Plain Dealer & Sun, North Vernon, Indiana: invitation: "In celebration of his 80th birthday, the family of Jerry Sharp invites you to attend an Open House. Sunday, October 27th, 2013. Dove-Sharp & Rudicel Funeral Home."

    • Wilmington News Journal, Wilmington, Ohio: "Two teen boys were charged with burglary after they allegedly broke into a home... to fix hot dogs."

    • The Daily Journal Ad-Vantage, Park Hills, Missouri: want ad: "Misc. For Sale ‐ 2 Bear pictures, and 2 bears, $25. Call       .

    • The Hoosier Times, Bedford, Indiana: police report: "A female entered a residence... and stole the bottom part of a set of dentures from a purse."

    • Country Chronicle, Towson, Maryland: help wanted: "Are you a lady who can lift a 50-lb. bag? Reliable individual interested in arm wrestling for fun and workout. Will pay $55/hour. Please call       .

    • The Monitor, Mabank, Texas: feature on a new restaurant in Kemp: "The Sweet Salad offers grilled children over crisp romaine lettuce..."

    • The Mountain Messenger, Downieville, California: sheriff's blotter: "A naked man on a bicycle in Loyalton was deemed suspicious."

    • The Daily Republic, Mitchell, South Dakota: (photo of a huge, deceased raccoon on its side on the shoulder of a highway, with a helium balloon attached): "Someone tied a "Get well" balloon on Sunday to this dead raccoon laying on the side of Highway 37."

    • The Lassen County Times, Susanville, California: clarification: "Last week The Times mistakenly reported the location of a masturbating man... The Times regrets the error." (was, in fact, at a downtown hotel, not at the location mentioned)

    ••• "Stupid Pet Tricks" / (video)

    • Jay Hendrickson and his golden retriever, Dudley, are from Houston. After Dave and Dudley have a friendly visit, Dudley lays on his side with a tennis ball in his mouth. On command, Dudley removes the ball from his mouth with his two front paws, and hands it to Jay.

    • Lina Bowers and her doggie, Twig, are from Belleair, Florida, near Tampa. Lina is nine, and so is Twig. They skate a lot, and Twig is going to skate down stairs. Paul plays a take-off of the Beach Boys' "Catch a Wave," and Twig, on a skateboard, makes a textbook perfect journey down several steps. If you play this back, you'll see several impressive things. Twig got on her skateboard on the other side of the stage, but facing the wrong direction. Lina simply said, "Turn," and Twig did a 180° immediately. When it was time to skate across the stage, Twig put her front paws on the skateboard, then pushed off with her rear paws. When it was time to skate downstairs, Lina set Twig's skateboard on the top platform, and walked away. Twig knew to hop on the skateboard and push off with her rear paws, and guided the board perfectly down the narrow staircase. Dave loved this one, and so did viewers across North America.

    • Dave mutters, "You PETA people, just leave me alone."

    • Craig Cerbasi and his dachshunds, Guinness and Stella, are from Cupertino, California. (Craig doesn't work on computers in Silicon Valley. He serves drinks to the computer people.) The bartender named his dogs for drinks, like Stella Artois. (never heard of it) Neither of the dogs is very crazy about Dave. Anyway, Craig loads 'em up on a treadmill, and they happily trot along on the Ponderosa as the CBSO plays the theme from Bonanza.
    ••• desk chat: Dave loved the Stupid Pet Tricks, and calls for replays. ••• Top Ten Signs You Have Bad Health Insurance ••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: Tim Stephenson, lighting director and Tom Herrmann, the audio guy •••
    Act 5 Audience Pan: Alan suggests that we contribute to the World Food Programme, in the aftermath of a terrible typhoon in the Philippines. Go to WFP.ORG/TYPHOON to make a donation, or text "AID" to 27722 to make a $10 donation.
    ••• Connie Britton plugs Nashville. ••• Lady Antebellum sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: It's a picture of Dave's book, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild.

    11/18/13 [3942]: "Rob Ford Lie" /

    (title graphic and goofy music)

    (tubby Mayor Ford in a TV interview): "I'm in the gym for two hours every day!"

    (title graphic and goofy music)

    ••• [Rob Ford appeared on Anderson Cooper 360° tonight... interviewed by Bill Weir, but just play along, OK?] /
    (interview clip)

    (voice-over): "Monday night, it's an AC 360° exclusive! Anderson confronts embattled Toronto mayor Rob Ford about his crack smoking, after smoking some crack himself."

    (Anderson giggles clip): Anderson has placed himself on his own RidicuList, for his inability to deliver the phrase "pussy willow" with a straight face on 4/10/12. (YouTube)

    (CNN logo and voice-over): "Only on CNN."

    ••• interruption: James J. "Biff" Henderson has appeared at Dave's mark during Anderson's giggles fit. / Here's your transcript.
    (Biff): "Excuse me, Dave. Excuse me."

    (Dave): "Biff! Hi, Biff! It's Biff Henderson, ladies and gentlemen."

    (audience): applauding wildly

    (Biff, holding a cellular phone): "Umm, you've got a phone call here, Dave."

    (Dave): "Hmm?"

    (Biff): "You've got a phone call. You have a phone call."

    (Dave, looking at the phone): "Right here?"

    (Biff): "Right here. Yes."

    (Dave): "Hello."

    (Pat): "Hi, Dave. It's Pat Farmer, the stagehand who often comes out during the monologue to interrupt you."

    (me): This is Pat's 11th interruption of 2013.

    (Dave): "Yes, of course! Hi. Hi, Pat. What's going on?"

    (Pat): "I just wanted to let you know that I'm out sick, so I won't be able to interrupt the monologue tonight."

    (Dave): "OK. Umm... "

    (Dave, to Biff): "Pat Farmer."

    (Dave, to Pat): "I'm... I'm very sorry to hear that, Pat."

    (Pat): "Thanks, Dave. Hopefully I'll be in tomorrow."

    (Dave): "Yeah. OK, well, feel better."

    (FX): landline phone dial tone

    (Dave): "I think he hung up."

    (Biff, leaving): "I think he did, too."

    ••• [Tomorrow is the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address.] / Dave: Lincoln kept making last-second changes before the speech, and drove the cue card guy nuts. Tony Mendez gives Dave a dirty look. Tony says, "Yeah. I heard that Lincoln was a big prick." (censor tone) ••• A turkey shortage is expected for this Thanksgiving (because everyone's on crack). Dave does his dumb-guy imitation: "I forgot to plant the turkeys!" / Butterball® has an announcement:
    (graphic): Butterball® logo

    (Thanksgiving clips)

    (female voice-over and sad music): "We here at Butterball® wish to inform you that we are currently experiencing a turkey shortage, so please plan accordingly."

    (Gene Szymanski in a lounge, on the phone): "Yeah, it's awful, Mom. There's no turkeys. We've got no choice but to cancel the big Thanksgiving dinner."

    (Gene turns to face the camera, with a big smile.)

    (female voice-over): "You're welcome, America!"

    (Butterball® logo and voice-over): "A message from Butterball®."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "The Eskimos have over 100 words for 'cliched joke reference.' " / a plug for Capital One's Quicksilver Card ••• desk chat:
    1. Dave hears a siren outside. He gets to do his favorite joke, "My ride's here."

      (me): I'm not sure if that was an ambulance or police siren.

    2. Dave was watching Jeff Daniels' The Newsroom on HBO last night. Jeff's a great guy and a wonderful actor. There's going to be a new Dumb and Dumber. Is Jeff spreading himself too thin?" / video:

      (HBO graphic and voice-over): "HBO presents... from Aaron Sorkin, the award-winning creator of The West Wing: After the newsroom, the most important room at any network is not the board room. It's not the control room. It's not the conference room. It's this room."

      (clip): Jeff Daniels is digging around a supply room in The Ed. He's not finding what he wants, and is clearly exasperated.

      (Jeff): "Out of hi-lighters. Great!"

      (graphic and voice-over): "The Supply Room. Coming soon."

    ••• Jerry Foley runs the TTL montage. Alan Kalter has a commercial announcement.
    (Alan): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Celebrity Height-Alikes. Spice up your next party or corporate event with special guests the same heights as your favorite celebrities! How about a man exactly as tall as Sylvester Stallone? Or a woman, just the same height as Reese Witherspoon?"

    (Kathy Mavrikakis as an actual satisfied customer): "Our sales meeting went crazy when we saw the guy who's precisely as tall as George Clooney!"

    (company logo and Alan's voice-over): "Call and book one of our fabulous Celebrity Height-Alikes today! Back to you, crack-smoking drunk."

    ••• This is one of the greatest Top Tens ever: Top Ten Words Used to Describe Toronto Mayor Rob Ford /
    1. LARGE-AND-NO-LONGER-IN-CHARGE
    2. CHIN-FO-TAINMENT
    3. SWEATING ENTHUSIAST
    4. SHAME-RESISTANT
    5. NECKLESS
    6. WINNING!
    7. THE ROUND MOUND OF UNWOUND
    8. MOLSON-OF-A-BITCH
    9. TORONTOKER
    10. CRACK-NADIAN
    ••• Vince Vaughn plugs Delivery Man. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: Executive producer Justin Stangel and the World Series trophy ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Always wear safety goggles." ••• We see a video from Toronto today: It's Mayor Rob Ford charging toward someone during a city meeting, and accidentally running into a woman. ••• NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champion, Jimmie Johnson ••• Luscious Jackson sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• bumper: Gene Szymanski, delighted that Thanksgiving has been ruined

    11/19/13 [3943]: The Obamacare web site is the big story of the month. It's a complete mess. Wait... there's finally some good news. / video:

    (photos): frustrated people in front of their computer displays

    (voice-over): "If you are one of the millions of frustrated Americans who's been frustrated by the malfunctioning healthcare.gov web site, try the trouble-free alternative, healthcare.xxx."

    (photos): satisfied users

    (voice-over and easy-listening music): "It's your Internet home for explicit adult content, featuring doctors, nurses, lab technicians, phlebotomists, medical billers and more. Not affiliated with healthcare.gov. Healthcare.xxx: gettin' it done."

    ••• The hits keep coming with Toronto mayor Rob Ford. Clearly he wasn't spanked enough when he was little. "Spare the rod and spoil the Rob," I say. Spoiled or not, Rob has his own TV show now. / video:
    (FX): phone ringing

    (title, white-on-black): "Rob Ford in The Robford Files."

    (answering machine): "This is Toronto mayor Rob Ford. I'm out smokin' crack right now, but if you leave a message, I'll call you back."

    (photo): a touch-tone phone, like the DAVE phone

    (road sign photo): "Toronto - Population 2,504,000"

    (music): The Rockford Files theme song

    (photos of Rob Ford, being tubby and a worthless bastard)

    (me): Know what Jim Rockford's phone number was? 555-2368. Do you know who else had that phone number? Ghostbusters and The Bionic Woman. There's another one that I can't think of now.

    ••• It's another look at the November 18 video of Rob Ford running across a room during a meeting, and running into a woman in the process. For tonight's reprise, bowling sound effects are added. ••• Matt Lauer went to Toronto to interview Rob Ford for the Today Show. / video:
    (Today graphics)

    (Matt): "You have brought disgrace to this office, and you know that's true."

    (Rob): "I take full responsibility for that. We've all made mistakes, Matt."

    (Matt reaction shot)

    (FX): Cut to Rob, who's holding an iPad showing Matt in drag, as a blonde woman in a swimming suit on Halloween.)

    (Matt): speechless

    (graphic): Today Show logo

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "To continue in English, press or say, '1-6-4-9-0-3-3-5-2-8-2' now." / a plug for Advil® Congestion Relief ••• desk chat: Through the wonders of doctored videotape, Dave asks Mayor Rob Ford the hard questions:
    • Dave: "Have you ever deep-fried a salami?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever smoked cake frosting?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever consumed salad dressing with a straw?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever been described as a big, fat man-ball?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever found yourself doodling during the day, 'I love crack'?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever been told you look like a less-healthy Louie Anderson?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever sweat through a fur coat?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever needed help removing a turtle neck sweater?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever been thrown out of a buffet?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "Have you ever considered switching to diet crack?" Rob: "Yes, I have."

    • Dave: "No more questions. Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor."
    ••• Top Ten Things Scientists Said When They Killed the 507-Year-Old Clam / #6: shout out to an audience guy: "Tastes like a sandwich from the Hello Deli." •••
    Anderson Cooper plugs CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute, to air December 1 on another network. He is just back from the Philippines, in the aftermath of a horrendous typhoon, with thousands of people missing. (Consider donating to the World Food Programme for the Philippines, via WFP.ORG/TYPHOON.)
    ••• We see a shot of Anderson and Jesse Tyler Ferguson backstage. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
    Jesse Tyler Ferguson plugs Modern Family. He also promotes his web site, tietheknot.org, which exists "to advocate for the civil rights of gay and lesbian Americans throughout the United States, and to look damn good while doing it." They sell $25 bow ties to promote their cause.
    ••• The Neighbourhood sing (in black and white). ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [The Neighbourhood did a "Live on Letterman" webcast at 8 ET.]

    11/20/13 [3944]: Dave's in a sport coat again... light gray over dark pants... a good look. ••• Tonight's audience shout out is to guys with guest line-up problems. They were hoping to see America's Sweetheart, Howard Stern, but the guest line-up was fruit basket upset over the last 24 hours. They'll get some nice airtime out of the mix-up. •••

    [Polich pianist and instrument builder Slawomir Zubrzycki has just played Leonardo da Vinci's viola organista, which he spent three years building. Leonardo designed it 500 years ago, but may have never built it.] / video: We see Zubrzycki in concert, playing it. Wait... what is that familiar melody? It's a Late Show classic: dogs barking along with "Jingle Bells," that's what.
    ••• monologue:
    Dave: "Happy birthday to Joe Biden, ladies and gentlemen. Sure... 71 years old. President Obama... it was Biden's birthday... President Obama called Biden into the Oval Office, and he instructed Joe to go to his birthday party for Obama. And that's what he did. Who wrote... who wrote that... who wrote that joke, by the way? Do we know who wrote that? Where's the...? Where is the guy who wrote that joke?"

    Yes... just as we suspected... Joe Grossman moseys onstage.

    (Dave): "One of our writers, ladies and gentlemen... Joe... Hi, Joe. Joe, did you write that joke?"

    (Joe): "Sorry. I was on crack."

    (Dave): "Well, Joe, I appreciate your honesty. Let me ask you a question. Uh, were you smoking crack just before you came out here?"

    (Joe's eyes shift from side to side, as his life passes before him. 8.9 seconds pass... just like Mayor Ford's delay before a similar confession last week.)

    (Joe): "Yes, I was."

    (Dave): "OK. Get out."

    (Joe exits the wrong way, stage left, as usual, until Dave redirects him.)

    ••• Bill Clinton thinks we're due for a woman as president. Here's his statement, in full. / video:
    (voice-over of Clinton's words): "I hope we have a woman president in my lifetime, and I think it would be a good thing for the world, as well as for America. As far as possible candidates go, I suggest Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, Beyoncé, Kate Upton, Shakira... or my wife... in no particular order."

    (photos of each goddess... then Hillary)

    (voice-over, concluding): "A message from Bubba."

    (me): My, oh my, how I love Jessica Alba. I hate to think what would happen if she commanded me to stop watching the Late Show.

    ••• "Vladimir Putin: Something for the Ladies" / It's President Pooty in his martial arts outfit... again. / This treat is followed by the President Pooty shirtless photo gallery we've been enjoying seeing these past few weeks. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Health Tip": "Protect your eyes while watching television by blinking several times per second." / a plug for American Express, and Small Business Saturday on Nov. 30 ••• desk chat:
    1. outside cam: Jennifer Lawrence on the 53rd St. sidewalk, pausing for photographers

    2. Dave says, "If I was a young girl, and wanted to go to Hollywood and become an actress, save yourself the trouble of going... unless you're Jennifer Lawrence."

    3. TTL montage / Crack has never been more popular. Once someone famous starts doing something, everyone wants to hop on the bandwagon. All of Canada is on crack.
    ••• Top Ten Ways Abraham Lincoln Would Have Been Different Had He Been on Crack / #8: "Four score" describes weekly drug habit. / #6: a shout out to the Howard Stern fans •••
    This is an Instant Classic guest appearance. Jennifer Lawrence plugs American Hustle. Of course, there's also plenty of discussion of the New York premiere tonight of Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I've not seen the first Hunger Games movie, but I know Jennifer plays Catnip Everglades, or Katniss, or words to that effect.

    Jennifer had to go to a hospital before the Los Angeles premiere. She'd been having abdominal pains for one too many days. No one has determined what, if anything, might be wrong with her tummy. Aw, she'll be fine. I think she's just been very stressed, and has weakened her immune system. Dave will get Dr. Vinnie Boom Botz on the case, or preferably, Dr. Lou Aronne. In his write-up for episode 3944, Wahoo Mike suggested that gluten intolerance should be considered. I'd add to that lactose intolerance. I have a bit of that, and it didn't develop until I was 37. I'll give Jennifer a call, if someone would be kind enough to send me her numbers. DDY cares.

    At 09:30 in, Jennifer announces that she's very cold. We see Jennifer's older brother, Ben, in the green room. Soon property master Pat Farmer delivers a huge, cute pink blankie (with flowers) for Jennifer, and she bundles up. Dave gets jealous a few seconds later, and he and Jennifer are nowhere to be seen under the huge blanket. "Go away, everybody," Dave says. He returns to his command module before things get creepy.

    Out of commercial, Jennifer reports that Dave said to her off-camera, "You're nuts," but Dave likes her. He says, "You can be a great actress, and still be one of us. A lot of the great actresses get to be snotty. You're not snotty."

    desk chat: After Jennifer's 21+ minutes, Dave says to Paul, "I'm tellin' ya, I wish I was her aide and confidant. I'd tell her to tell these movie people to go screw. You know, they need her more than she needs them, and clearly, she needs some time off."

    (me): I wondered how Jennifer was going to top her awesome interview of January 15. Mission accomplished! (video) I just wish she hadn't cut and dyed her beautiful brown hair. (blankie pictures via @LateShow)

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan •••
    Alan Kalter has asked for some time, and regretably, there is time. Alan's concerned about crack-smoking mayors. He advises, "If you suspect your mayor is smoking crack, tell your parents, or your nearest adult, right away, and stop your mayor from smoking crack. You know, it starts with you. Good night." Alan exits the stage, which has gone dark.
    ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Chris Dimino, graphic arts director ••• Taraji P. Henson, formerly of Person of Interest ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/21/13 [3945]: Dave appreciates the fact that AMC, the American Movie Channel, is doing something extra for the Thanksgiving.

    (title graphic and voice-over): "AMC proudly presents Casablanca for Turkeys."

    (black and white clip): It's Bergman and Bogart, talking to each other in gobbles.

    (graphic and voice-over): "Tune in tomorrow for A Few Good Men for Turkeys."

    (clip): Tom Cruise, then Jack Nicholson gobbling, "You can't handle the truth!"

    (voice-over): "Only on AMC."

    ••• We have another look at the tape of Toronto mayor Rob Ford charging a woman in a city council meeting. ••• We've learned that the federal government hired a consulting firm to evaluate the healthcare.gov web site. What to do? How about hiring a consulting firm to evaluate the consulting firm? Here's a transcript of the government's informational video. You'll be smarter after you read it. / video:
    (Obama's face and Pachelbel's "Canon in D")

    (voice-over): "Trouble with your consulting firm? Then call Consulting Firm Consulting. It's a consulting firm for your consulting firm. Use Consulting Firm Consulting to consult on all your consulting firm concerns. Trouble with Consulting Firm Consulting? Then call Consulting Firm Consulting Firm Consulting, for a consulting firm consulting firm consultation. Consulting Firm Consulting and Consulting Firm Consulting Firm Consulting. We consult on consulting."

    (me): I wonder how many takes the voice-over guy needed to deliver those eight sentences. Nice work, regardless!

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Remember When?": "Remember the 90s, when everyone was nostalgic for the 60s?" / a plug for Sears® ••• [The Huffington Post has hinted that the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants babes may reunite for a sequel. That's fine by me. Anytime Blake Lively's in a film, that's a good thing.] / Here's a top-notch TTL: Top Ten Films About Pants:
    1. Flashpants
    2. Crocodile Dungarees
    3. Sherlock Hems
    4. Big Trouble in Little Chinos
    5. Basic Inseam
    6. The Fly
    7. Meet the Dockers
    8. Das Bootcut
    9. The Britches of Madison County
    10. Ironed Man
    ••• It's chilly, but not long ago it was hot, as in squirrel-and-nuts-jokes weather. Here's a compilation the Late Show has been putting together for us over recent weeks. / video:
    (title graphic): "Today in Central Park"

    (Tom Hanks): "It's so hot in New York City..."

    (Jason Sudeikis): "...today in Central Park..."

    (Rob Lowe): "...I saw a squirrel..."

    (Nick Offerman): "...rubbing sunblock..."

    (Charles Barkley): "...on his nuts!"

    (Charles Barkley): "Let me do that again."

    (Lucy Liu): "It's so cold in New York City..."

    (Rob Lowe): "It is so cold..."

    (Michael Fassbender): "(something in German) in Central Park..."

    (Sting): "...I saw a squirrel..."

    (Kunal Nayyar): "I saw a ???"

    (Donald Trump): "...I saw Regis..."

    (Lucy Liu): "...warming his nuts..."

    (Sting): "...warming his nuts..."

    (Rob Lowe): "...warming his nuts..."

    (Nick Offerman starts laughing, and can't deliver his line.)

    (Sylvester Stallone): "Today in New York..."

    (Joseph Gordon-Levitt): "...it was so hot..."

    (Charles Barkley): "...so hot..."

    (James Franco): "...so hot..."

    (Tom Selleck): "...I saw a squirrel..."

    (Donald Trump): "...warming..."

    (James Franco): "...tanning..."

    (Nick Offerman): "...rubbing sunblock..."

    (Tom Hanks): "...using barbecue tongs..."

    (Sarah Michelle Gellar): "...rubbing guacamole on his nuts."

    (Sylvester Stallone): "Twice."

    (James Franco): just smiling

    (Nick Offerman): "It was so hot in Central Park today..."

    (Ray Romano): "...I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts."

    (Ray's offspring): unimpressed with Dad's delivery

    (Ray): "Now I know what Letterman feels like."

    ••• Jonah Hill plugs The Wolf of Wall Street. ••• Here comes the only Late Show segment that I truly hate. When I heard Dave say the letters "NFL," I screamed, "Noooo!" / Art Kelly in "Coach's Corner with Mike Singletary" ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Do you enjoy humor at the expense of wealthy idiots?" It's a plug for Dave's new book, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild.

    ••• Chiwetel Ejiofor plugs 12 Years a Slave. ••• J. Roddy Walston and The Business sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/22/13 [3946]: [Tonight's monologue comes in at a mere four minutes, as Howard Stern will get 23 minutes. There's an obvious edit in the monologue, just before Dave refers to Rob Ford.] ••• Speaking of Rob Ford, his office claims he exercises two hours per day. / Here's video proof: It's a walrus doing sit-ups. ••• It was Monday of this week (Nov. 18) that Rob Ford thundered across a room during a Toronto city council meeting, and almost took out a woman. For tonight's replay, it's doctored up a bit.

    (clip begins / Ford is stationary.)

    (voice-over): "Attention, ladies and gentlemen. Complimentary crack is being served in the lobby."

    (Rob Ford now runs through the room and collides with the lady.)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Oh, my God! Why didn't anyone tell me YouTube has cat videos?" / a plug for Applebee's® ••• out of commercial: Dave has dinner for two at 21 for a couple from North Carolina. The lady tries to hide, but she gets her dinner. Dave proclaims that this is the last time he's giving out a free dinner. ••• November 19 was the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. Ken Burns cooked up the idea of having famous people recite it. It starts out well, but then...
    (title graphic and sappy music): "The Address: A Film by Ken Burns"

    (Obama): "Fourscore and seven years ago..."

    (Carter): "...our fathers brought forth on this continent..."

    (George W. Bush): "...a new nation, conceived in liberty,...

    (Clinton): "...and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."

    (Wolf Blitzer): "Now we are engaged in a great civil war,..."

    (Robin Roberts): "...testing whether that nation..."

    (Martha Stewart): "...or any nation, so conceived..."

    (Tracy Morgan): "...and you've got yourself a tasty bowl of Tuscan mother          bean dip!"

    (title graphic and sappy music): "The Address: A Film by Ken Burns"

    ••• Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear from a Hardware Store Employee /

    Stage manager Eddie Valk asks the annoying questions, reports Wahoo Mike. I didn't recognize Eddie, because he has a No-Shave November beard. OK... here we go.

    1. "If I hear about you going to Lowe's, I'll kick your ass."
    2. "You look like the type of guy who likes to do it yourself."
    3. "Guess where I hid the lug nut?"
    4. "Can you help me get some splinters out of my tongue?"
    5. "Hey, you wanna have a hammer fight?"
    6. "Are you the one that had the question about home burial?"
    7. "Sometimes, late at night, the electric outlets talk to me."
    8. "Can I varnish you?"
    9. "That's the same wrench my cousin used to kill his landlord."
    10. "Let me guess, you need some lumber to build a girlfriend?"
    •••
    Howard Stern, radio legend, cultural icon and The King of All Media, begins a 23-minute visit with Dave, and it's an instant classic. Howard begins by saying – and I believe it – that coming on the Late Show is a big deal for him. To prepare, Howard DVRs some recent episodes so he knows the recent topics.

    First, Howard wants to know why Steve Martin's allowed to play his banjo on the show. Howard has a bit of a musical background: five years of piano lessons. He hated it, but his teacher very kindly got him out of them. He hanged himself. Next is his relationship with his parents. He thinks up activities, but they're not interested, so what can you do?

    OK... here we go. At about nine minutes in, Leno becomes the topic. Leno's recently revealed that he's talked to Dave on the phone. Howard questions Dave, who admits it. Howard is appalled. He's been out there fighting Dave's war, and now Dave's interacting with the enemy! Howard works for NBC Television, and he refuses to go on the Tonight Show.

    Howard and Dave have a long talk about their friendship, and why they never got to the point where they would do things like have dinner together. Both gents have a common friend: Don Rickles! Little did we know... Dave has had multiple dinners with Rickles, and in this setting, Don doesn't insult him. Imagine that!

    Network executives and producers are the next topic, and both Howard and Dave have had their battles over the years. Dave says he liked Grant Tinker. He doesn't mince words about Brad Grey, the CEO of Paramount, who he calls an idiot. (Brad will score a bumper on the way out of Howard's segment.)

    Howard rises and proclaims that he never cowtows to "the man." The CBSO plays Frank Sinatra's "My Way," and the two talk show legends share a dance. (142 MB video)

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Adrienne Iapalucci does stand-up. ••• "Backstage Photo Club": It's writer Steve Young, and a boy who was dressed like him for "Halloween Costumes" on 10/31/12. ••• Adrienne Iapalucci sits down with Dave for a few seconds. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/25/13 [3947]: [I began tonight's entry by reading up on Zumba. Never heard of it. Apparently it's a hybrid of dancing and aerobics. Tonight's audience shout out is to a 20-something babe who likes Zumba. Stay tuned for more.] •••

    We know exactly what's coming when Dave mentions his weekend. He's been to a movie, and it's time for his standard impression. The Emmy-winning thespian, who you'll remember from Cabin Boy, turns 180° from the audience as he prepares. He does change up tonight's performance with some humming. He checks his hair and adjusts his spectacles, then turns to the audience to deliver, "One senior for Hunger Games, please" in his best geezer voice.

    (audience): wild cheering and applause

    (CBSO): peppy showbiz playoff tune

    ••• monologue:
    "Anybody see The Hunger Games over the weekend? Oh, my God! It's... what a movie... Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I saw it. It's Hunger Games: Won by a Guy from Kenya."
    ••• Did you know you can buy The Hunger Games in book form? I did. When the first one came out, Kansas State read it as a university community, then people talked about it and stuff. So, there's a novelization of the latest, and here's an ad. / video:
    (graphic): animated The Hunger Games title in flames

    (voice-over): "Don't miss the official Hunger Games: Catching Fire novelization, featuring dozens of full-color photographs, and a special, interactive self-combustion feature."

    Newly-appointed writer Mike Leech is reading the book in his living room. As he reads, totally minding his own business, an inferno erupts from the book. What a novel idea! Mike exclaims, "Holy crap! This is awesome!"

    (voice-over): The Hunger Games: Catching Fire novelization."

    (Wahoo Mike voice-over): "Remember, always read near a fire extinguisher."

    ••• [On Nov. 21, a ne'er-do-well stole a FedEx truck, and crashed it after a police chase.] / Shecky has an archive video: A real FedEx driver approaches a yard. Without any delay or provocation, the bastard tosses a large package over a fence, and goes on his way. (Dave sings a little theme song for him.) ••• Over the weekend, some kind of deal was struck with Iran over their nuclear material, but something's not right at the White House. / video:
    (President Barack Obama, ladies and gentlemen): "Diplomacy opened up a new path for the world, that is more secure. A future in which we can verify that Iran's nuclear program..."

    Here's what's troubling about this message. The president is apparently not aware that a very large-but-cute yellow cat is just behind him, and is mouthing his address along with him.

    ••• interruption: CBS News Special Report / video:
    (graphic): "CBS News Special Report"

    (voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report. Secretary of State John Kerry has just announced that an Iranian arms deal has just been finalized. As for the agreement, Iran will cancel its nuclear weapons program, and the U.S. will cancel the David Letterman program."

    (Chris Dimino's new Late Show graphic)

    (voice-over): "We now return you to Dr. Balboa, Pear-Shaped M.D."

    ••• Stores like Walmart are moving Black Friday to Thursday. OK... I debated whether to document this segment, but what if tonight's episode won an Emmy, and I had slacked off? Here goes. / video:
    (clip): a supermarket

    (voice-over and multiple graphics to match): "Come on down to your local Shop Rite supermarket, where you can save money on everything you need for your Thanksgiving dinner! 10-pound Butterball® turkey: $15. Jar of gravy: $2.69." (Heinz® Home Style™) "Can of cranberry sauce: $2.29." (Ocean Spray® Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce™,) "Box of stuffing: just $2.99." (Kraft® Stove Top™) "Also, for this week only, buy two Butterball® turkeys, get one free. Or buy two jars of gravy, get one free. Or buy two cans of cranberry sauce, get one free. Or buy two boxes of stuffing, get one free. Or buy two turkeys, get one jar of gravy free. Or buy two turkeys, get one can of cranberry sauce free. Or buy two turkeys, get one box of stuffing free. Or buy two jars of gravy, get one turkey free. Or buy two jars of gravy, get one can of cranberry sauce free. Or buy two jars of gravy, get one box of stuffing free. Or buy two cans of cranberry sauce, get one turkey free. Or buy two cans of cranberry sauce, get one jar of gravy free. Or buy two cans of cranberry sauce, get one box of stuffing free. Or buy two boxes of stuffing, get one turkey free. Or buy two boxes of stuffing, get one jar of gravy free. Or buy two boxes of stuffing, get one can of cranberry sauce free."

    (FX): turkey gobbling

    (voice-over): "Shop Rite: We're all about you."

    (me): None of the deals were repeated.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Good news! I'm almost done setting up the extremely tiny electric train set inside one of the little houses in my electric train set!" / a plug for Serta® ••• desk chat:
    1. As a skilled hypochondriac, Dave worries about tryptophan overdose from his Turkey Day turkey. He announces Martha Stewart's solution: Just before you slide the turkey in the oven, add a tablespoon of crack.

    2. CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones is on split-screen with Dave to discuss the nuclear weapons deal with Iran. As usual, we pick up about every 15th word that Graham utters. (video)
    •••
    into commercial: Alan Kalter announces for an ad for Dave's book, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild.

    (Alan): "Tired of Thanksgiving dinner full of awkward silences? This year, why not take turns reading from the hilarious new book, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me), by Bruce McCall and Dave Letterman? Your whole family will be begging for seconds! Buy 'em by the fistfull. Finally, world peace in book form!"

    ••• Josh Hutcherson plugs The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. He confirms everything Dave has assumed about Jennifer Lawrence and her antics, as in, she's not bashful about saying what she thinks. ••• After Josh's interview, Dave calls the Zumba girl onstage to dance with Josh. ••• Chris "Mad Dog" Russo was on. I pretty much ignored him. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's camera operator Karin Grzella, whose duties include working the boom camera for the show opening and Act 5 audience pan. ••• Sky Ferreira sings. She's hot, but her song tonight isn't her best work. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/26/13 [3948]: monologue: There's a turkey shortage this fall. It's not a problem at the Letterman household. Pigeon. ••• monologue:

    "It's not easy being Governor Christie this time of year. Last year at Governor Christie's house during Thanksgiving, his gravy boat... you know what I'm talkin' about? His gravy boat was boarded by Somali pirates."
    ••• There's a trend that more men are calling the Butterball® Hotline. As a result, the company has more men answering questions. / video:
    (photo): smiling man, doing something with a cutting board

    (female voice-over): "As more and more men take an active role in making Thanksgiving dinner, Butterball® wants to make them more comfortable by including more male operators among our Butterball® hotline staff. But that's not our only innovation this year. Now, depending on your specific turkey needs, you can request a female operator, a male operator, a male operator dressed as a female operator, or a female operator with a mustache."

    (We see examples of each category.)

    (graphic): Butterball® logo

    (voice-over): "Butterball®. The Dead Bird People™."

    ••• monologue: How do you know when your turkey is done? At the home of Speaker of the House John Boehner, they know the bird's ready when it's the same color as his face. / split-screen: the orange-faced speaker and a fully-cooked turkey carcass •••
    There's a nationwide flap over Costco®, who at some stores have recently shelved the Bible with works of fiction. / photo: a Bible with a $14.99 price sticker, marked Fiction / This is the least of their problems. We see a wider shot. Did you know the Bible was written by Dean Koontz? We haven't heard the last of this... that's for sure.
    •••
    For the 150th anniversary this month of the Gettysburg Address, Ken Burns got the living presidents, and some other hotshots like Trump, to recite phrases from the address. Then he edited them together. Success! The POTUSES wanted another project. So be it! /

    (photo): We see five smiling, tuxedoed POTUSES at what appears to be the head table at a banquet.

    (animation): The table disappears. We see the bottom halves of the gents, all in colorful boxer shorts. They gyrate their midsections in rhythm with a bells version of "Jingle Bells." It's very moving. Excuse me a moment. I think I've gotten something in my eye.

    (graphic): "Happy holidays from K-Mart."

    ••• OK... I'm in Northeast Kansas. I had to look up how to spell it: Hanukkah begins on Thanksgiving this year. / "Hanukkah Miracles Then and Now" /
    (title graphic and orchestral music)

    (voice-over): "Then: A lamp, with only enough oil to burn for one night, somehow managed to burn for eight nights. Now: A comedy reference, that should have lasted only one night, somehow manages to drag on for three weeks."

    (from Toronto): 1) It's the November 18 clip of Mayor Rob Ford charging across the city council meeting room, almost knocking over a woman. 2) Mayor Ford, outside, crashes and burns when he attempts to toss a football. 3) Mayor Ford, exiting a room, isn't paying attention, and runs smack into a handheld TV news camera.

    (wacky sound FX)

    (graphic and voice-over): "Happy Hanukkah, everybody!"

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "And now, a special message for new viewers tuning in from Iran": "Hey, Iranians, how ya doin'?" / a plug for the Volkswagen® Signthendrive event ••• Mayor Rob Ford loves the crack. Guess what! Now that he's been found out, his approval ratings have skyrocketed! The Canadians love that, as he's put Toronto on the map. And right here on our stage (except that he's not), the mayor is on the DAVE phone. (I think this is a "Late Show Unfair Edit," with actual Rob Ford quotes.
    (Dave): "Hello, Mr. Mayor, this is Dave Letterman. Can you hear me?"

    (Mayor Ford): "Loud and clear."

    (Dave): "Uh huh. Great. Listen, uh, I understand the city council has stripped you of most of your powers. Tell us how you're feeling... uh, what you were feeling, during those city council proceedings."

    (Mayor Ford): "I don't know. I was probably pretty inebriated."

    (Dave): "Uh huh."

    (Mayor Ford): "Very inebriated."

    (Dave): "Well, I'm sorry, it's too bad. You were drunk during the city council meetings?"

    (Mayor Ford): "Depending on what you consider... drinking. Sometimes people drink once... or two or three drinks and they're drunk. I'm a big guy, you know. It might take me a few more drinks than that."

    (Dave): "Uh huh. So... despite the scandal, you're still running for re-election, right?"

    (Mayor Ford): "The people haven't spoken yet, John."

    (Dave): "Yeah. Mr. Mayor, it's Dave. But that's OK. It's actually Dave... sure."

    (Mayor Ford): "You know what? I'm a human being. OK, Peter?"

    (Dave): "Again... it's Dave, not Peter. Now, uh, Mayor... just a wild guess. Are you on crack right now?"

    (10-second pause)

    (Mayor Ford): "You're absolutely right."

    (Dave): "Well, I certainly appreciate your honesty. Is there anything else that you would like to say?"

    (Mayor Ford): "I don't do drugs."

    (FX): phone hung up, followed by a dial tone

    ••• desk chat prior to the TTL: Why is Richard Simmons let out in public? / Top Ten Things to Look for in This Year's Macy's Thanksgiving Parade / #6: an audience shout out to a drifter from Minnesota ••• During the Top Ten, the control room had time to scare up the clip from 11/22/00 of Richard Simmons dressed up as a turkey, messing with Dave's neck, and Dave retaliating by hosing him down but good with a CO2 fire extinguisher. ••• Martha Stewart plugs her fall collection of gadgets. ••• after commercial: Someone scares up an iPhone, and Dave takes selfies with Martha. •••
    "Is This Anything?" / The scrim rises. Two male acrobats get on the floor. Gradually, step-by-step, one lifts the other into a vertical position above him. All agree that it's something. It was quite impressive. The gents are in "La Soiree," now in the Union Square Theater, 100 East 17th Street.
    ••• Pitbull (Armando Christian Pérez) interview ••• Pitbull sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Pitbull did a Live on Letterman concert at 9 ET.]

    11/27/13 [3949]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from Arkansas, who heretofore had never been out of the house. ••• Pope Francis welcomed Vladimir Putin to the Vatican on Nov. 25, and you won't believe what happened. / video:

    (clip): Pootie and the Pope (sounds like a TV show, doesn't it?) are in their white marshal arts outfits, with black belts, gyrating their hips to warm up.

    (musical accompaniment): Paul Shaffer softly plays his hit, "It's Raining Men."

    (me): The Vatican sure has a lot of Russian-language martial arts posters on the wall.

    Dave says, "What's wrong with those guys?" Then he calls for an encore.

    ••• "Thanksgiving News Roundup" / video:
    (title graphic and cutesy theme song)

    Here's all you need to know: It was 14 local news or weather people saying "gobble gobble," and the last babe was hot.

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Fun Fact": "Only about 1 in 12,000 turkeys contains a pearl." / a plug for J. C. Penney® ••• Top Ten Excuses for Missing Thanksgiving Dinner with Your Family ••• Act 2 video:
    Dave introduces video from the staff Thanksgiving dinner. The shot of Sarah Connell, Biff and Sheila Rogers was from 11-21-12. Building engineer George Clarke is seen stirring and tasting his famous Slop Sink Turkey Gravy. Todd Seda found the mystery ingredient in the stuffing: a 9-volt Duracell® battery. That will sure come in handy! We hear a slide whistle as sound effects guy Gary Kiffel enjoys his meal. At the entrance to the room are six interns. They're honored to have been allowed to watch the paid staff partaking of the holiday dinner. Now, here's a treat. Writer Steve Young plays a guitar in his ballad about Thanksgiving. We hear,
    Then the next step after the slaughter
    Loosen the feathers in boiling water

    Not broadcasted, but courtesy of Steve Young and director Jerry Foley, here are the complete lyrics of Steve's ballad:

    Then the next step after the slaughter
    Loosen the feathers in boiling water
    The head's cut off and the feathers are plucked
    Now the insides we deconstruct
    Pull out the organs, they must be inspected
    No sign of disease can be detected
    Gizzards, livers, necks and hearts
    Are set aside as the giblet parts
    The abdominal cavity gets a cleaning
    The carcass then must pass a screening
    On Thanksgiving, let's all sing
    Of industrial turkey processing
    Gobble gobble gobble gobble
    Gobble gobble gobble gobble
    Next we see a cute little hologram of Dave (and he's not wearing his pilgrim outfit). What a surprise: Mayor Rob Ford, obviously loaded up on crack, sprints into the room a few steps, then takes out a folding table loaded with pies.
    ••• Top Ten Excuses for Missing Thanksgiving Dinner with Your Family / #5: Saving strength for our Christmas screaming match ••• Regular LSDL viewers know that in recognition of the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address last week, Ken Burns assembled all five living U.S. presidents, plus other hotshots like Donald Trump, to recite it. Ken's really outdone himself now, in honor of Toronto mayor Rob Ford's admission to being a crack hobbyist. (Or is he a crack professional?) It's a star-studded cast. / video:
    (me): Don't blame me for the grammar in this segment!

    (title graphic): Ken Burns presents The Statement by Rob Ford

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,..."

    (Jesse Tyler Ferguson): "...but am I an addict?"

    (Jonah Hill): "No."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "Have I tried it?"

    (Jesse Tyler Ferguson): "Uhhhh..."

    (Vince Vaughn): "...probably, in one of my drunken stupors."

    (Jonah Hill): "Probably, about a year ago."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "All I say is I've made mistakes."

    (Vince Vaughn): "And you guys kept referring to alcohol."

    (Jonah Hill): "There was a couple of isolated incidents."

    (Jesse Tyler Ferguson): "There's been times when I've been in a..."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "...drunken stupor."

    (Vince Vaughn): "I have to take legal action against..."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "...the waiter..."

    (Jesse Tyler Ferguson): "...that said I was..."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "...doing lines..."

    (Jonah Hill): "...at the beer market."

    (Jesse Tyler Ferguson): "The revelations yesterday of..."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "...cocaine,..."

    (Vince Vaughn): "...escorts,..."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "...and prostitution,..."

    (Jonah Hill): "...has pushed me over the line."

    (Martha Stewart): "So if people want to start..."

    (Jesse Tyler Ferguson): "...bringing up personal stuff,..."

    (Jonah Hill): "...that's fine."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "And yes..."

    (Vince Vaughn): "one day, I..."

    (Jennifer Lawrence): "...do want to run..."

    (Martha Stewart): "...for prime minister."

    (graphic and voice-over): "Ken Burns' The Statement. Coming soon to PBS."

    ••• John Goodman plugs the Coen brothers' Inside Llewyn Davis, which opens on December 6. ••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: David Letterman, host ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Kevin McCaffrey does stand-up. ••• Iggy Azalea with T.I. sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    11/28/13: REPEAT FROM 10/10/13

    11/29/13: REPEAT FROM 11/07/13

    12/02/13: REPEAT FROM 10/15/13

    12/03/13: REPEAT FROM 10/14/13

    12/04/13: REPEAT FROM 11/04/13

    12/05/13: REPEAT FROM 11/20/13

    12/06/13: REPEAT FROM 9/26/13

    12/09/13 [3950]:

    [Greetings to all three of my readers. It's been a while. During the dark week, as we in alt.fan.letterman call reruns, I installed a new 2 TB hard drive in the MacPro, which holds four hard drives. The previous DRIVE 3 (with 1 TB of memory) was full of this year's video captures that I use to write these episode logs. My first Macintosh (IIsi, 1991) had one 40 MB hard drive. Therefore, the one new drive in the MacPro has 50,000 times the memory as my first computer had.]
    ••• This is the first episode since Thanksgiving, so we'll have some Turkey Day wrap-up. Here's an interesting commercial. If you chase ambulances for a living, skip the following paragraph. / video:
    (clip): a turkey farm

    (voice-over): "Are you a turkey? Have you been injured as a result of Thanksgiving? Have you or a loved one been cooked or turned into gravy? If so, you may be due a large cash reward."

    (Photoshop fun): a flashy-looking office entrance

    (voice-over): "The law firm of Jacobs & Zick has been dealing with Thanksgiving-related injuries since 2006."

    (turkey gobbling / translation): "Thanks to Jacobs & Zick, I now have enough money to buy a speedboat."

    (animation): a turkey terrorizing a lake in a shiny new speedboat

    (voice-over): "Call now."

    ••• Dave likes Homeland, with Claire Danes. Last night was the penultimate season episode (says Nancy Agostini). Watch this gripping scene.
    (clip): A man, obviously under great stress, lifts himself off a presumably-deceased dude, and quickly places a cell phone call.

    (FX): phone rings

    (man's voice): "Let's go to Nick. Nick, what's happenin'?"

    (Nick): "It's done. I'm in Akbari's office. I killed him."

    (Mike Francesa of WFAN Radio): "To me... I don't know what the point is, but it'll get a lot of publicity."

    (Nick): "Get me out of here!"

    (Mike Francesa): "The idea that there's any importance to this... and it will get raging headlines, and it will have everybody 'uhh uhh uhh'... "

    (Homeland credits roll.)

    •••

    interruption: A beautiful 20-something babe in traditional German attire has appeared by Dave. Here we go:

    (audience applause)

    (babe):

    "Dave, a host, a talk-show host
    Gray, the color of his skin
    D, a grade I give this show

    That's all I have right now. I'll be back a little later with some more."

    (Dave, smiling): "OK, great. Thank you very much!"

    (babe exits)

    (Dave): "We have got to put somebody on the door!"

    (me): On December 5, NBC broadcast a live remake of The Sound of Music, with Carrie Underwood in the Julie Andrews role.

    ••• United Airlines has done a wonderful thing for holiday travelers. / video:
    (clips): airport scene, then families together

    (voice-over): "Do you hate the hassles of holiday air travel almost as much as you hate the tedious, awkward Christmas get-together with family? Announcing United Airlines' Reluctant Traveler Service™. For a nominal fee, we'll book you on a pretend United Flight, with a plausible flight number, gate number and arrival time you can tell your family. Then, at the last minute..."

    (shot of an air terminal status board)

    (voice-over): "Oh, no! Your flight's been canceled! You wanted to be there, but what can you do? United Airlines. We get it."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Did You Know?": "Santa's elves and the Keebler elves are mortal enemies." / a plug for Target® ••• desk chat:
    1. Dave wishes us a joyous holiday season. / FX: sleigh bells

    2. Get comfy. Dave has a story for us, and it's absolutely true.

      Dave, Regina and Harry traveled to be with his in-laws for a Thanksgiving whoop-tee-do. His mother-in-law, bless her, was making the stuffing. She took off her wedding ring before getting her hands into it. Three or four hours later, she can't find the ring. Nobody's very concerned about it. (Dave mimics a relative having a little taste, if you know what I mean.) It was a fantastic meal. A half hour into the meal, Dave's brother-in-law, now on his third helping of stuffing, starts choking. Dave, having been personally trained on the Heimlich Maneuver by Dr. Henry Heimlich on the Nov. 20, 1984 Late Night, Heimlichs him. Mr. Brother-in-Law turns a color... but not a bad color. 911 is called. The EMTs race over and save him. Sure enough, there was something clogging his windpipe, and the EMTs removed it. You guessed it. It was a piece of celery.

      Dave: "By the way, none of this is true." (Dave then mimics someone having a little taste.) "Parts of it are true."

    ••• "Charts and Graphs" /

    Do you consider yourself to be indecisive?
       50% n...yes   50% ye...no

    Who administered your flu shot?
       35% personal physician   20% neighborhood pharmacist   45% the CDC's lovable syringe character, Lil' Prick

    What do graph designers do when they're bored?
       60% surf the Internet   25% e-mail friends   15% add mustaches to bar graphs

    Sounds at the Cheney family Thanksgiving dinner
       50% people arguing   50% awkward silence with clanking of silverware and a low hum of a pacemaker

    During the holiday season, how do you prefer to see relatives?
       30% at my home   30% at their home   40% through a drunken haze

    What are Late Show viewers doing right now?
       11% watching the Late Show   89% changing the channel

    Thoughts fat guys have about this chart
       30% "That looks sort of like a pizza."   28% "Now it looks even more like a pizza."
       23% "That's gotta be a pizza."   19% "Thank you, Jesus - it's a pizza!"

    •••

    Stephen Colbert plugs The Colbert Report. He arrives onstage in a ridiculous outfit. Dave refers to it as Mr. Peanut. It's kind of like the Notre Dame mascot guy. Anyway, he's talking British gibberish, not unlike Graham Fenwick-Jones, and he does a bit of Irish dancing. He has a ridiculous, fake black mustache, and claims he lost his job at the pudding factory. Eventually he takes off the mustache and hat. Did you know Stephen has one weird ear? We'll never be able to look at him the same again. Stephen and Dave have a visit about New Zealand. It seems he let his nine-year-old kid bungee jump 135 feet off something. (It was for his own good.) We're not sure why he isn't wearing socks. By the way, Stephen wanted to meet Pope Francis, even though he isn't as doctrinaire as he'd hoped, but he didn't get the audience. It was a fun nine minutes.
    ••• brief desk chat: Dave has acquired Stephen's fake mustache. He applies the thing, and delivers the TTL in his new disguise. ••• Top Ten Thoughts ••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: It's executive producer Eric Stangel and our old friend, R2D2. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Sir Ian McKellen plugs The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. I've never read or seen any of that nonsense. ••• CHVRCHES sing. This group just formed in 2011. Their singer babe, Lauren Mayberry, is totally beautiful. A fan described her with, "she reminds me of the girl who broke my heart." She's 25, from Scotland, and she has a master's degree in journalism.

    ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/10/13 [3951]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a gent from South Carolina. Stay tuned for more. ••• Dave's sick and tired of mall santas going "Ho ho ho." You don't get that at 7-Eleven®. Here's a brand new segment with a very long set-up: "Mall Santas Decoded":

    (title graphic and "Jingle Bells")

    (photo): Mr. Santa Claus

    (Santa voice-over): "Ho ho ho!"

    (announcer voice-over): "Translation: 'I have drug-resistant tuberculosis.' "

    (title graphic and "Jingle Bells")

    (me): I refuse to capitalize each ho in "Ho ho ho." It's a sentence, right? It's not a title. One capital Ho is all you're getting from me, until further notice.

    ••• interruption: Costume designer Sue Hum visits Dave at his mark. She explains, "I was told you need an opera scarf." Dave is largely unresponsive. Sue says, "Don't fight this. Just hold still and wear it. And don't get it dirty. It's a rental." Dave delivers the rest of the monologue wearing the giant white scarf. ••• Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) reports that his wife, Kelley Ashby, gave a thumbs-down on him running for president. / video:
    (photo): Sen. Rand Paul and wife

    (voice-over): "Senator Rand Paul's wife will not allow her husband to run for president. Isn't this the kind of bold leadership we need from Ted Cruz's wife," (photo) "and Rick Perry's wife," (photo) "and Rick Santorum's wife," (photo) "and Paul Ryan's wife?" (photo of Rand Paul and wife) "Senator Rand Paul's wife: gettin' it done."

    •••
    As reported last night, on December 5, NBC broadcast a live remake of The Sound of Music. The ratings were great, and they have the idea to do their shows as musicals. / video:

    (animation and voice-over): "This is NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams."

    (We see Brian Williams made up like a cat in Cats.): "Good evening. If you're watching us in the Dallas-Fort Worth area in Texas tonight, you can be prepared to watch temperatures drop 40 degrees in just about 24 hours. If you're..." (You get the idea.)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "I think I got ripped off. Hey... when you buy a Christmas tree, isn't it supposed to include the bag of giblets?" / a plug for Macy's® •••

    Here are the latest tweets via #AskLetterman. Most of the Twitter accounts weren't given, and most of the questions don't come up on #AskLetterman, so who knows what that means.

    • Corey: "Calzone or pizza?" / Dave: "Briefs." / Paul: "Somebody asked me that question. I said, 'Depends®.' "

    • Michigan Man: "How many hours do you come in before airtime?" / Dave, laughing: "You've seen the show, right? I may not be here now!"

    • Lisa: "What are the first words you hear when you wake up in the morning?" / Dave: "See, he's not dead."

    • Tom Harrington @cbctom: "Hey Dave, whatever happened to Brother Theodore?" / Dave: "Brother Theodore was the son of Albert Einstein, and he used to be on the old show. When he was on the old show he was 90, so I'm sure he's fine now."

    • "What's up with Regis?" / Dave: "Well, you know, when he was on the old show he was 90, so I'm sure he's fine now."
    ••• Top Ten Questions About Snow Shovels / #6 is a shout out to the South Carolina man: "Where can I get a snow shovel in South Carolina?" ••• bumper: Brother Theodore •••
    Billy Crystal plugs 700 Sundays, which has been extended on Broadway to January 5, at the Imperial Theater, 249 West 45th Street. Billy announced tonight that it's going to video, also. While we're at it, Still Foolin' 'Em: Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys? is going to be released as an audio book.

    Billy confesses to falling asleep at some Broadway shows, and reports catching some spit as a result of sitting to close to James Earl Jones. He and Dave have a talk about Dave mixing it up with Regis Philbin at Billy's show. See 11/14/13 for Dave's action-packed story about Regis getting tossed from the show when he went off on Dave.

    By the way, after hearing from Billy, it seems that there's some truth to Dave's claims that Regis made a commotion during intermission, but Billy accidentally poked a hole in Dave's claim that Regis was bounced, not that we believed it in November.

    ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Here's what's driving me nuts. Should OCD have periods after each letter?" ••• Julie Chen plugs The Talk. She and Dave visit about her being discrimated against early in her career because of her Chinese heritage. ••• ZZ Ward sings. Her real name is Zsuzsanna Eva Ward. She's from Pennsylvania. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/11/13 [3952]: Tonight is apparently "Attention-Starved Guys Waving Their Arms in the Balcony Night." ••• "Why the Rest of the World Hates Us" / video:

    (title graphic and that goofy theme music that's used from time to time)

    (female voice-over): "Introducing Perfect Bacon Bowl™..."

    (various product photos and clips)

    (female voice-over): "...the easy way to make delicious, edible bowls out of bacon, for fun, savory, crunchable yum!"

    (title graphic and that goofy theme music that's used from time to time)

    (me): Perfect Bacon Bowl site (with video)

    ••• CBS News Special Report / video:
    (title graphic)

    (voice-over): "This is a CBS News Special Report."

    (clips): man operating snowblower, snowflake close-ups

    (voice-over): "With much of the country in the grip of winter weather, it's amazing to consider the trillions of snowflakes involved, and the fact that no two of them are exactly alike. Wow. I am so high right now. We now return you to Backwards Butcher, in progress."

    ••• Barack Obama journeyed to South Africa for Nelson Mandela's funeral earlier this week, and got caught bowing to, and shaking hands with, Raúl Castro. / This is the perfect time to run the latest episode of "When Presidents Meet Dictators." / video:
    (title graphic and awards show music)

    (photos and voice-over):
      "2008: George W. Bush warmly greets Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak.
       1945: Harry Truman shares a light-hearted moment with Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin.
       1972: Richard Nixon makes a clumsy pass at Chinese leader Mao Tse Tung.

    (animation): Eww! Tricky Dick's closing in for the big one. No! No! They're nose-to-nose. Where did Shecky find this? Make it stop!

    (voice-over): "This has been 'Fake Crap We Made Up.' "

    (title graphic and porno music)

    •••
    Barack Obama made the news for taking selfies at Nelson Mandela's funeral with Denmark's dictator, Helle Thorning-Schmidt and England's dictator, David Cameron. Think that was a breach of protocol? How about this?

    (CNN video, and some Late Show editing): Barack Obama had a musical interlude during his remarks at Mandela's memorial. We see him singing a bar or two of Rev. Al Green's "Let's Stay Together."

    ••• Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. (Dave: "Not to be confused with Iranian president Hassan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year.") Anyway, Pope Francis has been going out at night to visit people around Rome. / video:
    (clips): We see him in the front row of a theater for Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas at 9:45. He's dancing shirtless with babes at a club at 11:15. Uh oh. He gets into a dust-up at a subway station at 2:30 A.M.
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Which came first, the egg nog or the chicken nog?" / a plug for J. C. Penney's ••• Josh Groban, onstage, sings the Top Ten Christmas Songs for 2013. It's an outstanding production. ••• Emma Thompson plugs Saving Mr. Banks. ••• Here's a newer Late Show tradition. It's Todd Seda in "The Lighting of the Late Show Intern."
    The scrim rises to reveal Mr. Seda, assistant cue card technician, on a black platform. He's wearing a cute, festive Christmas sweater. Todd's draped with a set or three of Christmas lights. I know what you're thinking. I know what I was thinking, "He's going to be incinerated." That's because Todd was burned alive three years ago yesterday in the same-titled segment. (2010 video) Hmm. The lights come on. Anton Fig provides a drum roll. Todd smiles proudly. The CBSO plays "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." Whoops! A couple of pressurized cannons shoot confetti toward Todd. Perhaps he wasn't briefed. He falls backward off the platform. We're not being told he's OK. Dave supposes he's OK, but doesn't check. Jerry Foley gives us a shot of Todd on his back on a mattress that luckily was behind the platform. Good news! The lights are still shining brightly! (2013 video)
    ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's writer Lee H. Ellenberg. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Andy Cohen plugs his talk show, Watch What Happens Live. ••• Nick Lowe sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/12/13 [3953]: Tonight's audience shout out is to a couple who may - or may not - have gotten engaged this week. ••• [Barack Obama's antics at Nelson Mandela's funeral earlier this week have been well documented, as he was seen taking selfies with the dictator of Denmark, Helle Thorning-Schmidt. Michelle was irritated enough that she moved over and sat between them. OK, there's your set-up.] / monologue: "You know why it's so cold... it's that chill coming off Michelle Obama." / photo ••• "If They Had Rudolph's Nose" / video:

    (title graphic and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    (Ronald Reagan on June 12, 1987): "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"

    (FX): The president has a red ball where his nose is supposed to be.

    (title graphic and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    ••• interruption: It's the super-cute guitar-playing German (or Austrian) babe, back as promised to play more from The Sound of Music. To be exact, she'll be singing to the tune of "Do-Re-Mi."
    (babe):

    "Dave, looks like he's almost dead
    Paul, gave up ten years ago
    Me, I can't believe I said
    I'd appear on this lame show."

    (Dave, smiling): "That's very nice. Thank you for coming back."

    (babe): "When I have some more, I'll be back."

    (Dave): "OK, great!"

    (babe): "Merry Christmas, everybody."

    (me, with a fun fact): The Broadway version of The Sound of Music opened at the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre, 205 West 46th Street in November 1959. I walk by it all the time when I come for the Late Show. That is all.

    ••• I saw this one coming down Sixth Avenue as soon as Dave reported that the North Pole may have shifted into Canadian territory. You have the geographic North Pole, and the magnetic North Pole. Therefore and anyway, this means that Santa Claus is Canadian. Here we go. / video:
    (clip): It's tubby Toronto mayor Rob Ford, wearing an FX Santa hat, charging across the room at a city council meeting.
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Tech Tip": "Keep your computer in top condition by frequently pouring eletricity into the power hole." / a plug for Sears® ••• Dave visits with Graham Fenwick-Jones, CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent, about the economy, via split-screen with Graham in London. I still don't speak British, so I have no idea what he said. This is why we read the Wahoo Gazette. ••• PolitiFact has published its Top Ten lies of 2013. Dave has his own Top Ten Lies of the Year. / #6: a shout out to the couple who may or may not be engaged ••• Julia Roberts plugs her latest offering, August: Osage County. It seems that Dave forgot her birthday in 2013 for the first time in decades. Over the course of the visit, several humongous bouquets will be delivered by stagehands. ••• Glen Hansard sings. It was off-the-charts awful. ••• partial credits: enough to show Mike Leech, a recent add to the writers ••• Alan Kalter says good night. ••• [Glen Hansard has a Live on Letterman concert at 9 ET.]

    12/13/13 [3954]: What a deal! We heard it straight from Dave tonight: We're all invited up to his place for the holidays. I'm sure he'll pass on the address as the date draws closer.


    See you there!

    ••• "If They Had Rudolph's Nose" / video:

    (title graphic and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    (Joe Theismann): "My prostate was givin' me fits!"

    (FX): Joe has a red ball where his nose is supposed to be.

    (title graphic and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    ••• interruption: TV's Pat Farmer shows up by Dave at his monologue mark, for the 12th time this year. /
    (Dave): "Hey, look, it's our stagehand, Pat Farmer. Nice to see you, Pat. What can I do for you?"

    (Pat): "Hello, Dave. Dave, I was just outside. It is really, really cold."

    (Dave): "Yeah, that's what I hear."

    (Pat): "Feel my cheek."

    (Dave): "I'm sorry?"

    (Pat): "Feel my cheek."

    (Dave): "Feel your cheek?"

    (Pat): "It's freezing."

    (Dave): "No. I'll take your word for it."

    (Pat): "Oh, go ahead, Dave."

    (Dave): "No. No."

    (Pat): "Feel it. Go ahead. Oh, you want to feel it, really. It's so cold."

    (Dave): "No."

    (Pat): "It's so frickin' cold, Dave."

    (Dave): "Actually... no." (pause) "Really, just...?"

    (Pat): "Yeah. Feel it right there."

    (Dave pauses, then plays along and touches his damn cheek.)

    (Pat): "Oooh."

    (Dave, to the audience): "You know what? It, uh, it feels fine. It's not that cold at all."

    (Pat, turning to leave): "It was a joke, dumbass."

    ••• The History Channel has shows about pawn shops and the Bible. Then there was a blockbuster about Jesus. Next up is a show about Jesus in his 20s. Here's a clip:
    (theme song from Friends and J • E • S • U • S title shown like F • R I • E • N D • S used to be

    (clips): It's Reverend Jesus among the masses. Not seen, but announced, will be God as a special guest star. Matt LeBlanc is starring as Judas, by the way. Executive Producers: Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Chuck Lorre.

    ••• OK... here's a really good one. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug opens tonight. Get a load of the sequels that are in store. / video:
    (movie scenes)

    (voice-over): "This Friday, return to Middle Earth with Bilbo, Gandalf and the Dwarves of Erebor in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. But this is only the beginning of their epic quest. The journey continues with the upcoming films, The Hobbit: The Exfoliation of Florp, The Hobbit: The Salivation of Greep, The Hobbit: The Coagulation of Vlump, The Hobbit: The Lubrication of Blunk and The Hobbit: The Urination of Screlt. Coming soon."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Last night I used my microwave's 'popcorn' setting on regular corn, and I've never felt more alive." / a plug for Target® ••• desk chat: NBC's live remake of The Sound of Music last weekend did so well that they're repeating it this Saturday. Naturally, CBS has to counterprogram, with The Sound of Mucus. / video:
    (title graphic): Weekend Television Preview

    (art cards): NBC logo, then The Sound of Music showing Carrie Underwood, or Kelly Clarkson, or Julie Andrews, or whoever

    (voice-over): "Saturday on NBC: The Sound of Music. Saturday on CBS: The Sound of Mucus."

    (art card): The Sound of Mucus

    (action clip): Dave, at his desk, coughing and hacking something awful

    (voice-over): "Set your DVRs, America!"

    (me): Get that thespian some expectorant, stat!

    ••• Top Ten Hottest Toys for the Holiday Season •••
    Regis Philbin plugs a holiday special he has coming up. It's on CBS, if you can imagine that: A New York Christmas to Remember at St. Paul the Apostle at on Christmas Eve. I planned to make a video, but WIBW in Topeka stuck a winter advisory graphic right smack over the guest chair.

    Anyway, after some pleasantries, Dave and Regis Lee get into the issue at hand, which is the dust-up at Billy Crystal's 700 Sundays that Dave reported at length on the November 14 Late Show. There was some commotion when Regis spotted Kareem Abdul Alcindor in the audience. Dave jawed at Regis a bit, then Joy stuck up for him. Eventually Dave apologizes to Joy on-air. Well... this story went on for a number of minutes. At one point, Dave decided to have some fun by walking off the set. (The last time was probably in response to Crispin Glover, but that doesn't matter.) Regis kept yapping, and eventually, having worked in television for 150 years, knew he had to throw to commercial. After commercial, Dave's reappeared at his command module. (Let's all be thankful that Regis apparently didn't adjust Dave's chair, because then there would have been real trouble.) Anyway, it was all in fun, and I wish I had good video of it. Oh... I almost forgot. We get a clip of Regis singing with #5 Victor Oladipo of the Orlando Magic.

    ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: It's head carpenter Harold Larkin. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• Dave's old friend, John Witherspoon, plugs First Family. He's suited up for Christmas, with a red bow tie, red socks and red shoes, and he presents a matching pair of shoes to Dave. ••• Seasick Steve sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. Aside from the musical number, it was a very good episode.

    12/16/13 [3955]: ['Tis the season to be ornery. On Saturday, Dec. 14, it was SantaCon in New York, resulting in some well-publicized street fighting after the firewater kicked in. I was in NYC on June 3 for DaveCon, a debauchery-free pilgrimage to the Late Show, as far as you know.] / video: The CBSO plays "Silver Bells" as we watch the bare-knuckle boxing. ••• [Megyn Kelly commented on Dec. 11 that Santa is white, which I thought was a universally-accepted fact.] / video: Yup. It's true. We see Toronto mayor Rob Ford (with an FX Santa hat and white beard) charging across a city council meeting room. ••• [John Boehner visited with the media on Dec. 12 about his reasons for working with Democrats on the budget. Along the way, he made a point by saying, "Are you kiddin' me?" (video x2) ••• Peter O'Toole expired at age 81 on Dec. 14. Dave sort of skirts around the joke a bit, but hints that Peter O'Toole was a name Anthony Weiner used along with Carlos Danger. That was a good one! ••• Anchorman 2 opens on Dec. 18. There's big excitement, and a bit of push-back. / video:

    (clip): movie logo, news programs and well-known anchors

    (voice-over): "While the Anchorman franchise is a comedic take on the world of action news, its protrayal of broadcast journalists is a disservice to the serious professionals who hold their positions in the highest regard."

    (Uh oh. It's Ernie Anastos on Fox 5 WNYW on Sep. 16, 2009.)

    (Ernie to Nick Gregory, the weatherman): "It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick."

    (Nick): "I guess that's me."

    (Ernie): "Keep      in' that chicken."

    (Nick): "OK. I'll do that."

    (back to the voice-over): "Journalism. On it."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Reminder: Your Christmas tree stand can be used year-round in your living room, to hold up any wooden rod or pole." / a plug for J. C. Penney's ••• desk chat:
    1. Dave's due for another plug of his book, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild. It's a mere $26.

    2. How about a couple more clips of John Boehner's "Are you kiddin' me?"
    ••• Freshman quarterback of the Florida State Seminoles does a fine job presenting the Top Ten Unusual Things to Hear in a Huddle. •••
    Will Ferrell plugs Anchorman 2. He and Dave compare notes on having kids, how to get girls, being clueless and blowing off a dinner invitation from Harrison Ford.

    Will got a lot of minutes, so the Act 5 Audience Pan landed right here with, "After the break, we show you how to make festive holiday decorations from items found in your prison cell!"

    Did you know that Will's been traveling with the Vienna Boys' Choir? Well, of course he hasn't, but play along. To end his segment, Will brings out eight members of the "Vienna Boys' Choir" in red robes, and they sing "Christmas Time Is Here. Yup. Will's right in there. I honestly think that with a few years of practice, and maybe some elective surgery, he's going to be a great choir member.

    ••• Here's a long-awaited "Backstage Photo Club" card: Jude Brennan and Barbara Gaines, who need no introduction in these here parts. ••• Chris Cornell sings (featuring Joy Williams). ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/17/13 [3956]: Tonight's audience shout out is to Texans. ••• The Mega Millions Lottery is supposedly up to about $600,000,000. What better occasion for the new John Boehner clip, "Are you kiddin' me?" ••• Eli Manning of the Giants is a two-time Super Bowl champion, but his passing accuracy this season is a topic. Dave wonders if this is because of all the sacks. Dave saw something on Sunday he wants us to see. / video:

    (clip of Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation): I couldn't understand some of what he said, but the joke was that an errant pass by Eli smacked Bob right in the forehead. (We're not being told he's OK.)
    ••• It's almost Christmas, and time for a message from the National Egg Nog Council. / video:
    (photos and clips of egg nog, if you can imagine that)

    (voice-over): "The National Egg Nog Council would like to remind Americans that egg nog was never intended for human consumption."
    (clip): guy drinking a glass of nog, with a big red X covering his thirsty face

    (voice-over): "Egg nog's proper use when dried and hardened: insulating homes." (or words to that effect) "A message from the National Egg Nog Council."

    ••• What is Santa doing now? For the answer, we journey to the North Pole. / video: Santa's out in the yard, in a wrestling match with a reindeer. Dave's being told Santa's alright. Paul's being told he's alright, too. ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Congratulations to basalt, the 2014 Rock Hall of Fame inductee. / a plug for Sears® ••• desk chat:
    Dave's looking over his blue cards, trying to figure out what's up next. Getting nowhere, he looks up to Tony Mendez, who's not holding a cue card for him. I'm taking you part-way, until the Español kicks in.

    (Dave): "I don't know. Somebody... Tony?"

    (Tony): "What?"

    (Dave): "What... what happened? What are you doin'?"

    (Tony): "Oh. Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Letterman. I just can't put down this hilarious book by Bruce McCall and yourself: This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me). You know, this beautiful and tremendously-funny book would make a great gift for the holidays. I'm going to buy it for everyone I know!"

    (Dave, smiling): "That's very nice. Thank you very much, Tony. That's very sweet. Why don't you just read it on your own time?"

    (Tony's fuse is lit.): Spanish rant, followed by the usual airborne cue cards + exit stage left

    (CBSO): "Tony's Rant" theme song

    (Dave): "He is so touchy! I think he may have low T."

    ••• Barbara Walters is fixin' to have one of her "most fascinating people" specials. Right here on our stage, she presents the Top Ten Questions Never Before Asked by Barbara Walters. •••
    desk chat, after commercial break: Dave visits with Paul about who might be among Barbara's fascinating people. He goes way back with Barbara, and he got it out of her. That's right, it's Pat Sajak! / Speaker John Boehner exclaims, "Are you kiddin' me?"
    ••• Paul Rudd plugs Anchorman 2. I'll bet its a good one. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "I hate how they've overcommercialized the winter solstice." ••• Cristin Milioti plugs The Wolf of Wall Street. She's also in How I Met Your Mother. I didn't know who she is, but she's a fun and agreeable guest, and easy on the eyes. ••• Alt-J sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/18/13 [3957]: Tonight's audience shout outs (several) are to a couple from Melbourne, Florida. ••• Naturally we're all curious at this time of year about what's happening at the North Pole. / video: Santa is on the mat vs. a professional wrestler. Things aren't going well for Saint Nick. His opponent has a choke hold on him. ••• [We'll get a series of the same two-second clip of Speaker of the House John Boehner saying, "Are you kiddin' me?" on Dec. 12. You don't really need them itemized, do you? OK.] •••

    Barbara Walters had her Most Fascinating People of the Year special tonight on ABC. Jennifer Lawrence made the list, of course, along with Edward Snowden, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and Kate Middleton and Prince William's baby, George. Who was most fascinating? / video: A clip of crack-loving mayor Rob Ford dancing answers your question.
    ••• Who knew this? Every year the president's staff make a gingerbread house. We see CNN video.
    (clips)

    (female voice-over): "Every year the president's staff gathers to build a gingerbread White House. And once again, they've lovingly recreated every detail in miniature: candy versions of the president's dogs, cake-frosting trees on the lawn, and if you look in the window, you'll see a marzipan version of President Obama firing the guy who designed the Obamacare web site. Pamela Brown, CNN, Washington."

    (me): I'm old, and I've never heard of marzipan. My bad.

    ••• "If They Had Rudolph's Nose" / video:
    (title graphic and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    (female interviewer for the South African Broadcasting Company with Nhlanhla Nene, deputy minister of finance, with FX red nose, of course): "...digest and go through the documentation that is, uh, going to the president and to the public. And the opportunity for proper engagement is actually after the taking of the..."

    (sound of a snap)

    (Nene's chair completely collapses. He instantly drops out of the picture.)

    (title graphic and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    (YouTube video)

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Did You Know?": "Ben Stiller is the son of comedy legend Bob Elliott." / a plug for Target® ••• desk chat:
    1. Dave congratulates segment producer Sarah Billington Connell and her husband, Dan. They had a brand new baby boy, William Francis Connell, yesterday. William was 6 lbs. 15 ounces. Good for them! (We'll see you in "New Halloween Costumes" in 2020, Will.)

      Here's a fun video of Sarah as an interview guest almost six years ago, during the writers' strike. Sarah next appeared in "Who Asked for It?" in 2009.

    2. Dave hasn't plugged his book, This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild since last night. It's a mere $26. (I got my copy several weeks ago.) Since last night, J. K. Rowling herself has been added as an author. There's some publishing wizardry for you!
    ••• Shannon Eis is in with a nice set of new holiday toys. Here we go.
    1. Doodle-Track Car drives along a line you draw. ($22)

    2. Barbie® Digital Makeover is an add-on to an iPad® for mess-free makeovers for tech-savvy girls. ($68)

    3. A stomp rocket launcher is next. There are all kinds of versions out there. ($18)

    4. The Razor® Dirt Quad is an electric ATV. ($470) Dave makes several laps around the stage, then takes out a stack of phony presents as the CBSO plays Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild." (Here's another look.)

    5. The Backyard Zipline lets you re-enact what Macaulay Culkin did to escape the bad guys in Home Alone. (I know this because I saw it earlier tonight.) These aren't cheap, because you have to buy a harness and a trolley and, ideally, an ambulance. Harold Larkin gets Dave set up, and he crosses the stage to take out the Christmas tree. The control room gives Dave a bunch of Late Show "yes" bells as the tree goes down. I thought that was a very nice touch. (Twitter picture)
    •••
    Ben Stiller plugs the movie he directed, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Tune in on Dec. 20, when Kristen Wiig will put in her plug, too. Ben has a long story about his trip to Russia, and a way-too-detailed account of his visit to a Russian bath house and Igor, the guy with the birch leaves.

    When I came for DaveCon 2011, I saw Ben and Jennifer Jason Leigh in the Broadway play, The House of Blue Leaves. He gave a fine performance, I thought. I always stay at the Best Western President on 48th Street. The night after the Late Show taping, I moseyed right across the street to the Walter Kerr Theatre, and took in the play.

    ••• "Backstage Photo Club" trading card: director Jerry Foley and Snooki ••• Brent Dennen sings. ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

    12/19/13 [3958]: [This is the episode guide late edition. This evening I went to Wichita, a two-hour trip, to see my 19th Beach Boys concert. It was awesome, as always. I started on viewing and this little document after midnight. I crashed partway through, and am finishing at 7 A.M., just in time for morning talk shows to pick up quotes.]

    The Rockettes and Radio City Music Hall have a Christmas Spectacular, but there's more. / video:

    (clips): graphics and scenes

    (upbeat female voice-over): "The legendary Radio City Christmas Spectacular runs through December 30th. Then, beginning January 3rd, it's the Radio City Atheist Spectacular, featuring all your atheistic favorites, like 'Everything's Meaningless,' 'Life Is Random' and 'When You Die, That's It.' Call Ticketmaster now!"

    ••• interruption: A fat guy in a white t-shirt and shorts, with black socks and a Santa hat moseys out to Dave's mark. The encounter goes like this:
    (fat guy): "Ho ho ho!"

    (Dave, smiling): "Ha! Wow! Ha ha. I know... I know what this is. You went to the costume store, and they were all out of Santa suits. Is that what happened?"

    (fat guy): "Nope. I'm just a fat guy in his underwear, here to wish everybody a happy and healthy holiday."

    (waves, blows kisses and exits)

    (Dave): "We have GOT to put somebody on the door."

    •••
    Barbara Walters had her final Most Fascinating People of the Year special last night on ABC. Dave reports that Hillary Clinton was the most fascinating. Also in the running: John Boehner. We see his two-second "Are you kiddin' me?" Then we get a rant from Southern Illinois' men's basketball coach Barry Hinson after the Murray State game: "Two for 11. How can you go two for 11? My wife... my wife can score more than two buckets on 11 shots, because I know my wife will at least shot fake one time!" One last thing: It's rotund Mayor Rob Ford dancing. Take that, area seismographs! In Ontario, they call that crack dancing.
    ••• "What's going on at the North Pole?" / live video: A police officer in a parking lot is cuffing Santa, who's about to get a ride downtown. •••
    Dave says that he and Paul are going to see Grudge Match, with Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro. "It could have been called Aging Bull," Dave jokes. / How about a clip of the big finale? / video: It's two guys (one shirtless) shoving each other in a subway station. There's even some hair pulling for good measure, and a round of knuckles to the top of one's head.
    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Anyone else feeling queasy from the continental drift?" / a plug for Macy's® ••• desk chat:
    1. Yesterday Paul informed Dave that he'd already started his holiday break. Dave announces that he has, too.

    2. A lot of shows have "best of" features. Here's "Late Show Best of 2013." / archive video: Dave's doing his Charlie Callas goose honk.
    ••• "Charts and Graphs" /

    Where do you plan to spend the holidays?
       50% with the people I love   50% with my relatives

    2014 new year's resolutions
       12% exercise more   9% eat better   79% come up with better 2015 resolutions

    Favorite downs on which to sleep
       86% goose   10% duck   4% Hugh

    Signs a Superbowl ticket is counterfeit
       holographic elements don't move   bar code is smudged   trophy shows banana, not a football

    Favorite visual representations of information
       50% charts   49% charts   1% phony sign language

    Kim Jong-Un's Christmas gifts to his family
       6 relatives: iPad Mini   4 relatives: gift card to day spa   1 relative: arrest and execution

    What's the first thing you'd do if you won the Mega Millions jackpot?
       10% purchase a new house   15% donate portion of winnings to charity   75% buy more Mega Millions tickets

    Who's your favorite portly gift-giver?
       99% Santa Claus   1% Aunt Ida

    Favorite entertainer who shares a name with a Christmas decoration
       98% Judy Garland   2% Gary Treeballs

    ••• Top Ten Reasons You Won't Be Receiving a Christmas Bonus / #4: offered to streamline process by embezzling your bonus / #3: video: Shecky gettin' it on with a fax machine •••

    Steve Carell plugs Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. Steve got a hip replacement because of a hockey injury. He could have had local anesthesia. The doctor told him, "You don't want any memory of this at all." Steve got to choose plastic or ceramic parts. He was warned that regardless, 1% of the installations will squeak.
    ••• "Backstage Photo Club" card: Paul Shaffer and Darlene Love ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and, "Thanks for the iTunes gift card, executive producer Rob Burnett." ••• desk chat: Dave has a live feed from his house (exterior view), and a remote control switch to turn on the Christmas lights. He flips the switch. The lighting is beautiful, including the flashing "SUCK IT" the kids spelled out his roof. ••• The Saint Johns sing. ••• Alan Kalter says good night. / bumper: Dave's roof: "SUCK IT"

    12/20/13 [3959]: It's another fine Christmas episode, as well as the last new episode of 2013. Throughout the show, we'll see greetings from about 10 soldiers in far-off lands. ••• We haven't finished with the John Boehner clip, "Are you kiddin' me?" Losing it would make a good new year's resolution. ••• Fox News had a Christmas special last night. / video:

    (animated wintry opening, with "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    On a TV tuned to Fox News, we see a quote from Aisha Harris: "Santa Claus should not be a white man anymore."

    (voice of Megyn Kelly): "And by the way for all you kids at home, Santa just is white, but this person is just arguing that maybe we should... we should also have a black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is..."

    (closing credits)

    ••• interruption:
    Out of nowhere, it's an audio ad for The Holiday Costume Emporium™, voiced over by Wahoo Mike McIntee.

    (Mike): "It's not too late to buy a Santa suit for Christmas. The Holiday Costume Emporium™, has the largest selection of Santa costumes in the Tri-State Area! We have Traditional Santa..."

    (Photoshop fun): Dave in a Santa suit

    (Mike): "...Sexy Santa..."

    (Photoshop fun): Dave in a Santa suit

    (Mike): "...Creepy German Santa..."

    (Photoshop fun): Dave in a charcoal gray Santa suit

    (Mike): "...Gay Santa..."

    (Photoshop fun): Dave in a rainbow Santa suit

    (Mike): "...Half Crab/Half Santa/Hybrid Santa Claws..."

    (Photoshop): more Dave

    (Mike): "...and Giant Santa Beard."

    (Photoshop fun): a giant white beard, with Dave peeking out

    (Mike): "The Holiday Costume Emporium™. Tell 'em Dave sent you."

    ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and "Alan Kalter Test Kitchen Report": "Stew made with Christmas tree needles: not so good." / a plug for Sears® ••• desk chat:
    1. Dave starts the show off right, with a plug for This Land Is Made for You and Me (But Mostly Me): Billionaires in the Wild, by Bruce McCall, Dave and J. K. Rowling. I've given you the link. Just push the button, and it's yours! (Provided that you pay.) I got my copy in November. Dave announces that everyone in tonight's audience is getting a copy of the book, even the guy from Indiana who sneaked over from Ohio.

    2. Sadly, because of a recent injury, Jay Thomas will not be with us tonight. Dave tells the story of Late Show #1141 (12/30/98), with Jay and Vinny Testaverde of the New York Jets. At the end of his interview, Vinny and Dave toss footballs at a pastrami sandwich on top of the Christmas tree. Vinny misses repeatedly, but Dave keeps encouraging him. Jay Thomas, who had finished his interview but was still around the set, decided to offer his services. He appears onstage, grabs a football and "bang, zoom," nails the pastrami sandwich on his first try, thus beginning a 15-year Late Show tradition, "The Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge." Of course, we also get the Lone Ranger story. Here's a video version of said story, with Jay, Todd Seda and Dave as, well... just watch. (video)

    3. Dave introduces video of the Late Show staff Christmas party last night. We see Sue Hum, Biff, Shecky, Todd Seda, a kid playing the part of Harry Letterman as the Little Drummer Boy, Dave's dog Sully as a reindeer, Dave appearing via satellite from an undisclosed location, Dan Fetter watching Dave, Pat Farmer, Pat Farmer (in gray wig) as his beautiful wife, Patty Farmer, interns having their punch ladeled into cupped hands ('cause of a cup shortage), Dan Fetter having fun on the pommel horse, a real gymnast - as a staffer - on the pommel horse, carolers stuffed into a closet (space shortage), writer Steve Young playing guitar and singing his new song, "Unsanitary Manger," Joe Grossman as Jesus, surprise guest Jesus, Tommy O'Brien in a fight with a ham and surprise guest Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (who charges in and takes out a Christmas tree).
    ••• Top Ten Entries of 2013 •••
    When I learned that John McEnroe was a late booking, I went on record that he'd be lobbing tennis balls at the food items atop the Christmas tree.

    We begin with a visit with John. Then, with the help of cue cards, John delivers a very respectable version of Jay Thomas's Lone Ranger story.

    Yes, I was right. Dave produces a tub of tennis balls, and John begins serving balls in the general direction of the treetop meatball and pizza. He comes dangerously close on a couple of shots, but most of the balls veer slightly to the right of the target. John takes 10 unsuccessful shots. Then he throws a racket at the tree. Lacking a racket, he throws four balls. Nope. John takes seven more shots using the racket, making contact but not knocking the stuff loose. John then storms over to the base of the tree and launches the racket, and off go the items! As is expected for such a momentous accomplishment, the control room provides Late Show "yes" bells.

    •••
    That hottie Kristen Wiig appears with three films to plug, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Her and Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. She tells Dave about the process of getting cast on Saturday Night Live. It's her second season away from SNL. She dropped by recently to say hi, and before she new it, a part was written for the next show. Kristen went to Iceland to work on Walter Mitty, where she also found some awesome sweater shops.
    ••• Here's a brand new segment, "Celebrities Pretending to Like Gifts They Hate." It's the same idea as the Ken Burns spoof done recently, using several recent celebrity guests. / video:
    (title graphic and "Sleigh Ride")

    Stephen Colbert: "Alright! This looks great!

    Julie Chen: unwrapping

    Paul Rudd: "What is it? It's big!"

    Billy Crystal, unwrapping: "Whatever this is, it's amazing!"

    Emma Thompson, unwrapping a plastic jug of something: "I'm so excited!"

    Will Ferrell, unwrapping: "You did not have to do this."

    John Witherspoon, unwrapping: "Uh oh."

    Andy Cohen: "Ohhhh."

    Josh Groban: "Wowww!"

    Ben Stiller: "Oh, cool!"

    Julie Chen: "Ohhhh."

    Stephen Colbert: "Ohhhh."

    Andy Cohen: "Ohhhh. OK."

    Billy Crystal, with one of those things for cats to scratch: "Wow."

    Regis Philbin: giggling

    Paul Rudd: puzzled

    John Witherspoon: "What the hell?"

    Josh Groban with his Conair Foot Spa: "My very own foot spa!"

    Sir Ian McKellan: "It's blacktop driveway sealer!"

    Cristin Milioti: This is a live lizard!"

    Paul Rudd, with a huge glass jar: "This is a lot of relish!"

    Regis, with a blue plastic ice cube tray: "It's a what-you-make-ice-cubes!"

    Stephen Colbert: "Oh! It's a pill organizer!"

    Regis: "Wait a minute! There's two of them!"

    Will Ferrell: "A cervical collar!"

    Ben Stiller: "It's a hat that says 'DOUG.' "

    Julie Chen: "Donald Trump's cologne! Oh... you shouldn't have!"

    Andy Cohen: "I know I'll totally love this!"

    Josh Groban: "My feet... haven't been heated and vibrated in... ages!"

    Emma Thompson: "I... It..."

    Sir Ian McKellan, holding his head: "Isn't that wonderful!"

    Billy Crystal, playing with the cat thing: "You can do that to it, right?"

    Will Ferrell: "Thanks."

    Billy Crystal: "If I had a cat, this would be... this would probably be good."

    Cristin Milioti, holding her lizard: "Yeah."

    Paul Rudd, opening his giant pickle jar: "Alright."

    Ben Stiller, with DOUG cap: "Like, Hebrew letters?"

    Will Ferrell: "I needed one."

    Paul Rudd, sticking his face into the jar: "Ewww."

    Emma Thompson: "It's..." (passes out)

    Ben Stiller: "I'm not even going to try it on."

    Will Ferrell: "It's great."

    Ben Stiller, almost trying it on: "You know, I'll just keep it vintage."

    Stephen Colbert: "Thank you. I'm gonna... Thank you."

    Will Ferrell, modeling the cervical collar: "Thank you very much."

    Sir Ian McKellan, getting choked up: "Thank you very much, indeed."

    Paul Rudd, with a handful of pickle relish: "Merry Christmas!"

    Billy Crystal: "You know who'd really like this?"

    Will Ferrell: speechless

    Billy Crystal: "Anybody but me."

    (title graphic)

    •••
    We've waited a day short of a year for this. For the 20th time, Darlene Love sings "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." She's accompanied by strings, back-up singers, the man who always plays the French horn, Bette Sussman doing chimes on synthesizer, extras in the horn section and Paul on a white piano. Frank Greene does the saxophone solo on top of Paul's white piano. It's the show's most beloved and spectacular production, and I've loved it for many years.

    12/23/13: REPEAT FROM 11/21/13

    12/24/13: NO SHOW - CHRISTMAS EVE

    12/25/13: REPEAT FROM 12/16/13

    12/26/13: REPEAT FROM 11/22/13

    12/27/13: REPEAT FROM 10/04/13

    12/30/13: REPEAT FROM 12/10/13

    12/31/13: REPEAT FROM 11/15/13



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