DDY's Late Show in Review: 2012

It was a banner year for David Letterman. He was honored with the development of David Letterman Park on Broadway (with its very own tree), and he received Kennedy Center Honors for lifetime achievement. His guests included such notables as the President of the United States, First Lady Michelle Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron, the U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Women's Gymnastics team, and genetic masterpieces Anna Kendrick, Amanda Seyfried, Amanda Peet and Taylor Swift. Mr. Letterman also received two telephone calls from Jesus, a revered religious leader.

Dave's childhood dream of appearing on Oprah's show has been fulfilled for the second time in five years. The latest interview will be aired on January 6, 2013 on a nationwide cable TV hook-up. Sadly, his dream of interviewing Mitt Romney, and having the opportunity to personally pledge his support for his presidency, was not accomplished. Dave compensated as best he could, airing action photos of Mitt's doggie on vacation, his prancing horse, as well as Gov. Romney's smash hit solo, sung in Norwegian.

A milestone occurred, as Dave's longevity on late night television has surpassed that of his idol and friend, Johnny Carson. February 1, 2012 marked 30 years on late night for Dave. A younger man who was inspired by Dave, Jimmy Kimmel, was clearly delighted to interview Dave on his own show, which apparently will run opposite the Late Show in 2013. Another milestone was Dave's 65th birthday on April 12.

A highlight for me was the flour bombing of America's sweetheart, Chris Elliott, on the March 28 telecast.

The year 2012 had its share of scandals. Both David Letterman and his guest, Alec Baldwin of Massapequa, New York, removed their pants during the June 20 episode. Let the record show that Mr. Baldwin was the instigator of this indiscretion. Kathy Griffin may have set the tone on January 19, as she got into a bit of a wardrobe malfunction with her dress, while seated in guest chair #1. Then there was the matter of the Late Show's Alan Kalter advertising inflatable dolls, to put it delicately, purportedly for carpooling purposes, in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Scandal was no stranger to the Letterman home this year, as beloved family pooch, Sully, exterminated a deer, and subsequently refused to release the carcass for a decent burial. The President of the United States was briefed on this incident on December 2, 2012.

Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman Grossman, had his network debut in 2008. In 2012 we saw Sherman, who is renowned for his explosive sneezing, growing a mustache after a sneeze, and in December he sneezed to a number of traditional Christmas carols. Sherman ended the year in a duet with a sneezing panda. I've always enjoyed Sherman's post-sneeze look of a job well done. In 2013, Sherman will help welcome a baby (a Homo sapiens, that is) to the Grossman estate. We all hope and pray that Sherman will use a handkerchief when sneezing in the proximity of the infant.

The Late Show has long been known for addressing public health issues, and not just the aforementioned sneezing fits and that thing on Donald Trump's head. Joe Grossman has begun offering weekly tidbits from his birthing class, beginning with the slightly-taboo condition, lightning crotch. Cardiovascular health is an ongoing topic on the Late Show, where Dick "Kaboom" Cheney's mechanical heart and Gov. Chris Christie's tubbiness are addressed frequently, in the most delicate way possible. For example: "The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke." Fans were relieved to learn that Dave's basal cell carcinoma, discovered by his make-up artist, was promptly and successfully removed. Finally, to address a seasonal health concern at the forefront this winter, norovirus, the Late Show is running (at no charge) an ad for Sanitary Santa Lap Liners®.

Dave has long supported worthy causes, including The Mayor's Fund to Advance New York City, The World Food Programme and robinhood.org for Hurricane Sandy relief. This fall, the show has promoted one cause or another almost every day.

I've long admired Dave's ability to have an in-depth discussion on national issues with heads of state, and journalists like Brian Williams, Tom Brokaw and Rachel Maddow. Dave's not just a late-night comedian... he's a broadcaster, as well, and more than capable of conducting an excellent interview.

On the less-serious side, Dave is a master storyteller. His stories from home are classics, and the Act 2 desk chat is often my favorite part of the show. (my favorite from 2012)

We all love and appreciate the Weekend Late Show, a relatively new offering from Worldwide Pants Incorporated. Bruce and Linda have brightened Saturday mornings (for viewers clever enough to find the correct channel). Every episode has practical lifestyle tips, for example: squatter's rights, preventing swimmer's itch, proprane dos and don'ts, passing a polygraph test, should you think twice before licking a stamp?, thoughtful gifts for alcoholics and safe gas siphoning.

I have a couple of shout outs. Mike McIntee's Wahoo Gazette has been funnier than ever this year. Ask for it by name. Also, he has interesting and awesome behind-the-scenes tales from the Late Show, which always amuse and enlighten, but are not likely to result in staffers testifying before Congress. Writer Steve Young's CelebriGum never fails to delight all of us who crave action photos of big-name celebrities and sparkly black vehicles. The gum, which I have cast my eyes upon personally, has become the little gray landmark by the Great White Way. Fans can interact personally with CelebriGum on Facebook and Twitter. Thanks, gentlemen!

On with the little sampler I've put together. For full details, click on my episode logs linked at the bottom, or the Wahoo Gazette, of course.

I review, and review and review for you kids, and this is the thanks I get?

3Dave's resolutions:
• I'm going to begin grooming my son to be my successor.
• I would love to have a gallery showing of my clown paintings.
• I am going to speak up more at my book club.
• I'm gonna get myself a new yoga mat.
• Bring home a competitive eating trophy.
• At my next Scientology seminar, I'm gonna introduce myself to Tom Cruise.
5The Digital Twins, Jay Johnson and Walter Kim, as EMT dudes, rush in during the monologue. Dave needs to stop playing with his Medic Alert® button.
10Dave announces that he's trying to bulk up to 600 pounds, to quality for weight reduction surgery.
10Marv Albert delivers the "Year End Albert Achievement Awards," the wild and the wacky in the world of sports. (video)
11"Tom Hanks Tells Buddy Hackett Jokes"
(Tom): "So a guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone, and could really use some company. The owner says he has just what she needs: a parrot that speaks five languages, and she'll have a lot of fun with that bird. And the guy says he'll take the parrot and make the arrangements to have the bird delivered up to his mother. Now a few days pass, and the man calls his mother: 'Well, hey, Mom, hey, did you like the bird that I sent?' And she goes, 'Oh, son, he was delicious!' The guy says, 'Mom! You ate that bird? Why, he could speak five languages!' And Mom says, 'Well, he should have said something.' "
11Dave says that CNN's using some kind of hologram effect, and he visits with Mitt Romney campaign spokesperson, "Kevin Madden." A small image of a gentleman, relaxing in a recliner, appears on Dave's desktop, and the two have a brief interview.
12Today a Steak 'n Shake opened next door to the Ed Sullivan Theater, at 1695 Broadway. Dave sends a camera over to get acquainted, but only after an almost five-minute testimonial on his excitement about this event, as he used to visit a Steak 'n Shake in Indy as a youngster. We meet the lovely Jayci Tincher behind the counter. She's a real Steak 'n Shake employee, but not from New York. I believe she was hand-picked and brought in from her native Ohio because of her natural charm. Dave places an order for Paul and himself, and Jayci delivers the goodies after the next commercial. (Jerry Foley had multiple cameras to catch every one of Jayci's steps as she made her way through the lobby and into the studio.) (video)

This was reminiscent of Dave's long-ago visits to Hurley's Bar, Mujibur and Sirajul and Rupert Jee. I want to give a shout out to Paul and the CBSO, who put together an amazing little jingle for Steak 'n Shake. This was an extremely well-done segment, and the burger chain got a free 11-minute commercial.

13Tony Mendez tells a monologue joke. (video)
13Producer Brian Teta, who we saw too infrequently this year, is civilian "Earl Dennison," and the segment is just to watch him run to the stage.
13Dave tweets, "You might be a Kardashian if NASA has tried to land a man on your ass!! YES!!"
16 Dave discusses with Paul whether they could book Jesus on the Late Show, and if he'd appear there or on Leno first. By the way, what hotel would be used to host Jesus during his visit, or would he stay in a manger?
17 (Alan Kalter): "Attention Late Show audience members: If you are the owner of a metallic blue Dodge Caravan, license plate C0T 221, your car is in a loading zone. It will be towed away immediately."

(Dave): "Alan, what the heck is goin' on? Who are you talkin' about? What is all this?"

(Producer Brian Teta, as a civilian, is in a front-row aisle seat. He scampers out of the studio to rescue his vehicle.)

(Dave): "Now, Alan, what was that? What are you doin'?"

(Alan): "I just like to see that guy run!"

17It's the first appearance of dozens, of Mitt Romney's dog on the car top, headed to Toronto.
18This is the first episode without Sid McGinnis in the CBSO for a while.
18"Rupert Jee's Soup of the Day" (video)

(Rupert): "Today's Hello Deli Soup of the Day is Mitt Romney Health Care Soup."

(Dave): "Oh really. Mitt Romney Health Care Soup? Now, what's in the Mitt Romney Health Care Soup, Rupert?"

(Rupert): "I don't know, but no one's buyin' it!"

(CBSO): fanfare

(Rupert): "Goodnight."

19Kathy Griffin (partially, at least) takes off her dress during an interview.
20Dave posts what may be his last on-air Tweet. (The date discrepancy may be because the Friday show was probably taped on Thursday.)

28It's the Bar Mitzvah of Paul's son, William Wood Lee Shaffer (in real life).
31Dave wants Brad Pitt on the show. He tapes an envelope with $120 to the front of his desk. This will ultimately prove unsuccessful.
31On the eve of Dave's 30th anniversary on late night television, Bill Murray (the first guest on LNDL and LSDL) is a guest. (video) Bill unveils a portrait of himself in the lobby, with a small plaque.

Bill Murray
Dave's Favorite Guest
1982 - 2012

1It's the 30th anniversary of Dave's first Late Night broadcast!

monologue: "People say to me, 'Dave, why do you keep doin' it night after night? Why do you still do this, night after night?' And I'll tell you why. It's a simple reason: I've seen Regis in retirement."

Staff who have been with Dave for many of his years on late night TV present the Top Ten Things Staffers Would Like to Say to Dave on His 30th Anniversary. (Don't miss this video.)

2Dave announces the show's new Facebook page, which has all kinds of cool pictures from days gone by.
2Lana del Rey reprises a song performed on Saturday Night Live to mixed reviews. I think she's sweet. (photo)
3monologue: "I'm not kiddin' you. Everybody in New York has got Super Bowl fever. You go over to St. Patrick's, and they've replaced the holy water with onion dip."
3Tonight is our last time to see our friend, Bruce Kapler, with the CBSO.
3It's the premiere of the comedy equation, "Not Cool + Not Cool = Cool." Kim Jong-Un (not cool) + "Stayin' Alive" (not cool) = very cool.
6"Biff Henderson at Super Bowl XLVI" (video)
6Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning is on, and Producer Brian Teta is credited for booking him, on the field, after the game. (article)
7Dave sends a camera out to meet his new neighbors, pie face, at 1691 Broadway, where the CBS Store had been. All their other restaurants are in Australia.
8Mustaches are kind of a theme on the Late Show this year. We see Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, sneezing, whereupon a mustache suddenly appears.
8monologue: "Boy, did you see the Giants' victory parade yesterday? Did anybody see that? And today the Sanitation Department picked up 40 tons of confetti. Wow! Who knew that New York City had a Sanitation Department? I had no idea!"
13Adele Adkins won six Grammys last night. / phone call:
(Adele): "Y'ello."

(Dave): "Hello, Adele? Hi, it's Dave Letterman. I just called to see how you're feeling. How're ya' doin'?"

(Adele): "I've got a little heartburn from that calzone I had the other night."

(Dave): "Yeah. And how is your throat? It's none of my business, but on the phone here, you sound a little raspy."

(Adele): "Well, I hit the booze pretty hard last night, too."

(Dave): "Well, now, Adele, should you be drinking? I know you're probably celebrating, but is that the kind of thing you should be doing... is having a lot of whiskey, Adele?"

(Adele): "Who the hell is Adele? This is your security guy, Bill DeLace!"

(Dave): "Bill? Bill, I'm sorry. I thought I dialed Adele."

(Adele): "You've gotta dial 9 to get out of the building, you jackass!"

13Sports Illustrated models present the Top Ten Reasons This Year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Is the Best One Ever.
14Dave unveils the cover portrait of Modern Railroad Hobbyist, Irv Lubis
14Kate Upton, 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover model is a guest. We see Producer Brian Teta in the green room, as Kate Upton's boyfriend. For once he didn't take off running!
15Stephanie Teteak, 2012 National Grocery Bagging Champion, competes with Dave. She's from Larry's Piggly Wiggly in Appleton, Wisconsin. Her time comes in at 00:39. Dave almost ties her, thanks to two completed bags lowered from the rafters while Stephanie's busily at work.
17For multiple nights, we've been subjected to Mitt Romney singing in Norwegian, and we're just getting started.
20Aaron Heick appears for the first time on saxophone for Bruce Kapler. He'll become Bruce's permanent replacement.
21Alec Baldwin is one of my favorite Late Show guests. (video)
22Alan Kalter chases a naughty Councilman Eli Lowenthal around in "Alan Kalter's You're Busted."
24It's "Countdown to the Academy Awards (with Alan Kalter)"

(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood" by the CBSO)

(Alan, at his perch, holding up two fingers): "Two days to go. Back to you, Dave."

(Dave checks his blue card.): "You know, Alan... I'm not sayin' that wasn't great. It was, but I thought maybe there'd be a little more, you know... discussion of the films..."

(Alan, fired up): "Huh? Huh? Hey, hey... hey... hey... Wait... wait a minute. A little more what?"

(Dave): "I..."

(Alan): "A little more WHAT? Speak up, Princess."

(Dave): "I... I thought there'd be a little more information about the films and the actors. That's all. That's all."

(Alan): "Did you hear what you said? 'You thought.' Well, guess what. Alan Kalter is not a mind reader. You said, 'Countdown.' "

(Dave): "Right."

(Alan): "Well, what was I doing? I was COUNTING DOWN! Now, the next time you want something done, do it yourself, you big bag of suck!"

(Alan storms toward the door, pointing at Dave): "I'm tellin' ya.' "

(Alan backtracks to his perch.)

(Alan): "Forgot my yoga mat."

(title graphic and "Hooray for Hollywood" by the CBSO)

(Dave, to Paul): "That was odd, wasn't it?

(Paul): "It was."

28"Mitt + Mustache" (= George Hamilton as Zorro)
29It's a hilarious call on the DAVE phone from Lyndon Baines Johnson, who thinks he's calling Haggar for pants. (video) This is a take-off on a real call that LBJ placed as president. (1964 audio)
2desk chat: Dave sent off a little DNA to ancestrymatch.com. His real father was Gene Autry, and his real mother was Barbara Stanwyck! Dave quotes Stanwyck's character, Victoria Barkley, on The Big Valley, "Show us some of Tom Barkley's guts!"
12"What's More Adorable?" (a bear cub falling asleep, or Newt Gingrich falling asleep)
13Amanda Peet is my favorite guest! (video)
14"Notable Opossums": Ratatouille, the snowboarding opossum. Heidi, the cross-eyed opossum. Ron, the opossum that's running for president.
19Michelle Obama is a guest.
21Gerard Mulligan appears onstage with a clipboard, hoping to sell Senior Scout Cookies.
28Chris Elliott, posing for photographers on 53rd St., gets flour bombed. (awesome video)
30Dave has a quality desk rant about Internet ads. He's not watchin'. (video)
30It's Will Lee's "Dick Cheney's Dungeon" scream. (video)
9"Biff at Yankees Spring Training" (video)
11Dave wakes up a snoozing home viewer. (video)
12Billy Crystal is Dave's birthday guest. (video)
12Our old friend, guitarist Sid McGinnis, has been away since the January 18 episode. After finishing the monologue, Dave walks over to the CBSO for a welcome back handshake.
12Jay Johnson, on the phone, calls to check on Dave, whose "I've fallen and I can't get up" gadget has apparently gone off. (video)
22Now, this is completely uncalled-for. Some rascal has taken gaffer's tape and changed the sign on the FIRE HOSE at the back of the theater to FIRE HOST.
23Dave has a desk chat about Harry's attitude. Everything's an argument. (video)
24Dave has a desk chat about Sully urping up a deer hoof.
30The adorable Don Rickles drops by. He gets 23 minutes. He fails to fire off a rocket, but is still great. (video)
30Regis Philbin drops by, in a surprise appearance. Hey... he's retired. He's got nothing else to do. (video)
1Don Rickles was on last night. Dave was thrilled to have him. We see "Don Rickles Recap," a video compilation of all the wacky sounds and grunts Don made during his 23-minute visit.
2"Stupid Pet Tricks"
Sheryl Knapp and her big, white bulldog, Gabe, are from Bellingham, Washington. Gabe is amazingly patient as Dave plays with his jowls. Then Gabe steals the show by first setting upright, then mounting, a little kid's rocking horse. Once settled in the saddle, Gabe rocks back and forth, as the CBSO plays the theme from Bonanza. (video) Dave loved this one so much, he checks with Paul to see if they should retire "Stupid Pet Tricks" and call it good. Dave will call for a rerun on May 4. (video)
2Pat Farmer has installed a red button on Dave's chair. Dave can't resist pushing it, and is instantly launched out to 53rd St. (We're being told he's OK.) (video)
2It's "Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft." Bill always wins, but always fails to collect the jackpot.
3It's the Mitt Romney Running Mate Wheel

3Cue card virtuoso Tony Mendez has a new show on The Learning Channel, Very Extreme Couponing with Tony Mendez. Tony moseys into a store with a bunch of coupons. Moments later, he exits with an armload of merchandise. Michael Z. McIntee, reprising his role as a policeman, nabs him outside.
4Dave calls Dave Johnson, track announcer for the Kentucky Derby, to reprise his traditional call of "and down the stretch they come!"
4Top Ten People Who Would Look Good in a Sombrero / #7: Keith Olbermann (whose sombrero looks tiny, because of his enormous head)
7Jane Gabbert, as Dave's nursing home nurse, makes her first of several appearances this year, visiting with Dave about his pills, his annoying other inmates, etc.
8Stagehand Gene Szymanski is Tom "The Tickler" Tichnowski, a world-renowned billiards trick shot artist. His shot isn't that tricky.
9Booker T. Jones of Booker T. & the M.G.s sits in.
10It's Sweeps, and time for Kid Scientists. (video)
11Jill, from the audience (and Iowa), does an amazing dolphin impression.
11Gerard al-Mulligan, al Qaeda master bomb builder, visits with Dave from Yemen. (video)
11Aaron Heick, who's been sitting in for some time, is the new saxophone player for the CBSO.
15Brian Williams visits with Dave for 24 minutes, largely about Obama's presidency.
16Dave has an awesome story from his youth about a bacon-in-his-pants home remedy that Dorothy cooked up. (video)
16It's a call from Jeff Altman, as Dave's Uncle Buddy. I love these calls. (Full transcripts of this kind of nonsense can be found in my episode logs.)
16Betty White is a tremendous talk show guest. (video)
17Michael Z. McIntee, as Darryl Forbes, informs Dave he's #41 on the Forbes list of Most Powerful Celebrities. (video)
18interruption: Paul's giving piano lessons.
21Dave's got to leave his new red button alone. He presses it and launches Paul out to Broadway. (We're being told he's OK. In fact, a wise-guy cameraman catches Paul hiding under his organ after the launch.) (video)
22Skeeter problems in NYC: Dave shows a MOSQUITO XING sign.
22"Uniform Numbers with Bill Scheft," sponsored by Sealtest®
23Tony Mendez tells a monologue joke for Dave. (video)
4Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti is a guest. (video)
7Bill Murray plugs Moonrise Kingdom. I always look forward to his visits. (video)
11Dave mentions the beginnings of Dave Letterman Park, on a traffic island at 53rd St. and Broadway. There's Micanthis, Catmint, Bugleweed, sunflower seeds and a Zelkova Serrata elm tree.

12Bootsy Collins is sitting in tonight. He collaborated with Paul and the soon-to-be CBSO in 1993's The World's Most Dangerous Party.
12Dave gets a call from a guy from the American Voting Federation, named Brenda.
12Jack Hanna has some awesome critters, including baby snow leopards. (video)
18DaveCon 2012, 1697 Broadway, and other locations which shall not be revealed
19Here's my photo of Dave Letterman Park, taken today. I watched Pat Farmer, Tommy O'Brien and crew set up for a segment that never aired.
19interruption: Alan Kalter's selling illegal fireworks from his perch.
20Kathy Mavrikakis comes out to offer Dave a position in the mail room.
20Dave deploys the Hose Cam® on innocent pedestrians on Broadway. "Heeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty." (video)
20Alec Baldwin and Dave take off their pants during the course of his interview. (video)
21Justin Bieber's a guest.
Justin has a new tattoo, "Believe," below his left elbow. Dave gives him static about it, but concludes that it's OK, as long as he doesn't end up looking like the Sistine Chapel. The Beebs has no idea that Dave's talking about Michelangelo's art work, and replies, "I'm not goin' for the Sixteenth Chapel," to which Dave remarks, "Canadian high school." Entertainment sites will have some fun at Justin's expense.
26Dave announces that his make-up artist, Jane DiPersio, noticed a basal cell carcinoma on his forehead, and Dr. Hillary Johnson has removed it.
27Dave's nurse (Jane Gabbert) checks with Dave on his suppositories. (video)
28Blake Lively, an excellent guest, plugs Savages. (video)
9Dave Price delivers a toasty forecast, with a high of 147° twice this week.
11Steve Martin is seen selling weed in Dave Letterman Park.
12Dave gets in trouble with an audience lady, as his tie is 2" too short.
12Dave shows a can of Beef-a-Romney®. Alan Kalter was supposed to throw a fit about no response from the audience, but they loved it. Alan and Dave stuck to the script, anyway.
16 It's so hot monologue: "I saw this happen. This is a true story. Some of these are jokes. This actually is a true story. You know a guy named Regis Philbin? So hot... earlier today... I saw him out on Broadway... so hot... bent over to pick up a penny with an oven mitt. So hot!"
16It's the return of the Late Show Hose Cam®
18It's Jeff Altman as Dave's Uncle Buddy, calling about Dave's language.
24"2012 Olympic Demonstration Sports": Freestyle Tidying
25"2012 Olympic Demonstration Sports": Pants Wearing
26a very sad development: It's Al Chez's last night with the CBS Orchestra. Keep up with him at alchez.com, and at his band's site, Al Chez and the Brothers of Funk.
26"Biff Hangs Out with Olympic Hopefuls"
14winners of team gold in Olympic Gymnastics: Gabrielle Douglas, Jordyn Wieber, McKayla Maroney, Kyla Ross and Alexandra Raisman (video)
15"What Did U.S. Olympic Gymnast McKayla Maroney Think of That Joke?" (video)
15Tom Brokaw is probably Dave's best guest ever. (video)
16Olympic silver medalist in high jump, Erik Kynard, Jr. of Kansas State University (video)
21 In response to an audience guy's question that was never explained, Dave produces a bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial® tequila. He tosses the contents of his Late Show mug over his shoulder, and pours himself some of the new beverage. Dave ignores the poured drink and drinks from the bottle. Whoops! Instead of the usual replaced booze, standard for every cooking segment, this time it's real. We're not quite sure why the untampered seal on the bottle wasn't a clue, as the home viewers heard it tear. Dave starts questioning staffers onstage. He says, "I thought we had the phony bottle!" Bill Scheft plays dumb. Pat Farmer says, "That's why you couldn't open it." Dave says, "Whoa! I haven't had anything to drink since 1984. Well, I thought it would be... what is it usually?" "Apple juice," Pat replies. Dave says, "That's what I thought it was gonna be! It's not apple juice at all! I'm a raging alcoholic! I'm gonna hafta start going to meetings again!" Looking out to the audience, Dave says, "Thanks a lot, Jorge!" Bill Scheft says, "That's why you couldn't open it." Dave says, "I just pray to God we haven't lit the fuse again." Paul says, "Hang on. Fasten your seat belts."
21It's Melody Cooke and her skateboarding goat, Happie, out on Broadway. In multiple tries, Happie refuses to get on the skateboard.
22Dave Dorsett's sitting in on camera one tonight! Last year, David Letterman gave Dave Dorsett one of the very best farewells one of his staff has ever gotten. (video)
23"The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke"

(title graphic and romantic music)

(clip): the always-tubby Chris Christie

(voice-over): "Chris Christie is so not fat, when someone walks around him, it does not mean a year has passed. This has been 'The Late Show Tries Not to Make a Chris Christie Fat Joke.' "

23"Alan Kalter Takes You Inside"

In this episode, Alan takes us inside an air conditioner. Through the magic of green screens and control room trickery, Alan is instantly transported from his perch to the inner workings of the appliance, and the fireworks begin. There's shrieking, moaning and bleeding. The conditioner has become a biohazard before our eyes!

26Dave interviews British Prime Minister David Cameron. (video)
29Michelle Obama is a guest.
3019th anniversary of the first show on CBS
30Bruce Willis has a clip of Twi-Hard: With a Vengeance.
17Dave comments about being named for The Kennedy Center Honors in December. This is great for his family, who think he works at a Jiffy Lube® in Mexico.
17Barack Obama is a guest for 37 minutes. (video)
19interruption: Alan Kalter's writing equations on a glass. He's trying to figure out how Dave got to be a Kennedy Center honoree.
20On the DAVE phone, it's a call from Jesus. The Late Show was able to book him because he and Dave share the same agent. (video)
20Tonight's the premiere of Rob Burnett's We Made This Movie.
24"New Books," including Making It Up as We Go, by the NFL replacement referees
27"Late Show Looks at the Zogby Polls"
28Geezer Night: David Letterman (age 65), Regis Philbin (age 81) and Tom Dreesen (age 70) are all on tonight. (video)
1Dave starts the month with a desk rant about Mitt Romney not coming on the show.
1 It's the 30th anniversary of the 1982 release of The Weather Girls' performance of Paul Jabara's and Paul Shaffer's "It's Raining Men." Paul confirms that it's a gay anthem. Martha Wash and Izora Armstead recorded it, and tonight Martha Wash (and an entire production cast) will perform it onstage. The Weather Girls performed the song on Late Night with David Letterman on 1/12/83. (video)
2"Postal Service Deliver It Yourself Program" video
2Top Ten Things Overheard When Justin Bieber Urped / #4: "It's like The Exorcist, but with creepier music."
4"Highlights from Last Night's Presidential Debate"
4 Anna Kendrick plugs Pitch Perfect. She is amazing! See Anna do her cup trick. (aca-awesome video)

8Jack Hanna has an awesome collection of critters. (video)
12I'm always happy when Dave's old friend, Jeff Altman, drops by. (video)
23Taylor Swift. Enough said. (video)
25Donald Trump is a guest for the first time since 3/02/11.
Dave has what must be his longest-ever introduction of a guest, as he recaps his recent feud with Donald Trump. Dave acknowledges Donald for coming on his show, even though his show's on NBC. Donald hasn't been on the Late Show in 1½ years, Dave says. On 4/28/11, Dave opined to his guest Dr. Phil that Donald must be a racist for wanting to see Obama's birth certificate. Since that time, Dave has concluded that Donald's too smart to be a racist. Now Dave pushes his luck by saying that Donald sometimes says stupid things just to see if his mouth works.
26"Results of the Latest Zogby Poll"
29Hurricane Sandy hit New York today. The decision was made to tape a show without an audience, due to: wind gusts to 90 MPH, 12" of rain expected and 10,000,000 people without electricity. (video)
30Again tonight, an episode is taped without an audience. (video)
30Dave has a story from home. He has a place to stay in the city, while Regina and Harry were home in Westchester County. He's afraid that this is too trivial to tell, given the troubles many have had. When power was lost, he took a cab back to Midtown, to stay at the theater, I guess. A call came in at 10 A.M. this morning from Regina. While she, Harry and Sully were on a walk, Sully got loose and bagged himself a deer! Then Regina reported, "We can't get him off the carcass." Dave says, "Luckily, they were able to get the beast off of the deer." (Dave makes sure to remind us that none of this happened on his watch, and he wasn't monkeying around.) Responding to this grim development, Paul says, "Yeah. Oh, well, that's... uh... I... ha ha. I mean..." (clears his throat) Dave's retort is, "Thanks for those thoughtful comments." The staff onstage bust up laughing.
30Michael Z. McIntee stands in for stranded guest Kate Hudson.
31"New Halloween Costumes" (video)
1Alan Kalter's ad: inflatable dolls for carpooling (video)
2Michael Z. McIntee scalps tickets for the New York City Marathon. (video)
7"In Memoriam: Mitt Romney References"
8The Beltway Bunch, a peppy quartet of young singers, take the stage for a Broadway musical number. Tony Mendez gives them the boot. (video)
9"Dick Morris: Good Call" (lots of "no" buzzers)
16Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention turkeys! Now would be a good time to attend to any items on your 'bucket list.' "
19Top Ten Things That Went Through Paul Rudd's Mind When an Audience Member Vomited During His Broadway Show (video)
19desk chat:
Dave has things happen to him that don't happen to other people. He has a story about Christmas shopping. He and Sully set out in the car, but he took a wrong turn, and got lost in a pretzel. He stopped somewhere for a potty break. (Meanwhile, Sully found a tree.) Eventually, on the verge of a psychotic event, he found the place he was looking for. Oddly, the store was half dark. A man working there, Larry, or maybe Kenny, was replacing long fluorescent tubes. Well, maybe this wasn't about replacing tubes, because Dave now saw a maze of wires dangling near him. "Kenny" said, "Mind the bare wire. I like working hot." (video)
20It's a call on the 1974 DAVE phone from Jeff Altman, as Karl Rove.
21We have video from the staff Thanksgiving dinner. (video)
2The Kennedy Center Honors, honoring Dave and others, was taped in Washington, D. C. tonight. Writer Bill Scheft was with Dave. He's posted a very well-written blog about the weekend's events.   Part 1  Part 2  Part 3
2Dave tells about appearing at The Kennedy Center Honors. (video)
4Writer Joe Grossman has his first report from birthing class. Dave has to kick him out. (Don't miss this.)
5Rupert Jee models a Santa hat made from deli meat. (video)

5It's a call from Dave's old friend, Jesus. (video)
6an ad for Sanitary Santa Lap Liners® (video)
6Michael Z. McIntee interrupts for a school fundraiser. (video)
6Bill Murray's a guest. He arrives in the back of a van outside, tied up, and is marched in by the security staff. (video)
7"Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / tonight: eating a giant larva
7Fellow Kennedy Center honoree Dustin Hoffman is a guest. (video) Dustin tells Dave (regarding the Kennedy Center Honors),

"Let me say this. You can't interrupt me. Promise. You didn't think you deserved the award. You told me that. We had talks about it. You think you're just a comedian... you're just a talk show host, but you're more than that. No person who was in comedy ever is known for their true value. Charlie Chaplin never got an Academy Award for anything he did. No comedy has ever gotten an Academy Award. You are not a comedian, you are not a talk show host. You are a satirist on the level of Will Rogers."

10"Everything's Festive with Sleigh Bells" / tonight: monkey root canal
11Amanda Seyfried plugs Les Misérables. She is a goddess!

Amanda sings in the movie, and she makes reference to living like a monk while shooting, in order to keep her voice just right. She couldn't drink alcohol, and she had to keep hydrated. Dave happens to ask, "Have you been drinking here tonight?" He already knows the answer. Amanda replies, "Yeah. I'm pretty drunk." Amanda announces that she's had three drinks. Dave inquires, "Are we talking about fermented beverage, or a distilled spirit?" Amanda says, "You know, I'm a big fan of whiskey." She had some Midleton Irish Whiskey (a gift from Russell Crowe) before she arrived. The Late Show staff had some Jameson Irish Whiskey waiting for her at the Ed! Amanda goes on to say, "I have to go on record. I've never done a live television show, after noon, um, without some kind of liquid courage." Dave asks, "Now, do you think one day we'll hear that you're in a program?" After the clip, Dave produces a bottle of Jameson, and he and Amanda knock some back. Here's a photo from Twitter. (video)

11Joe Grossman has another report on birthing class. Tonight he explains Lightning Crotch. Dave gives him the boot.
17"Mayan Predictions That Have Come True"
17desk chat: Dave has a serious, 6½-minute commentary on the elementary school shootings in Connecticut. (video)
18Tonight's the first installment of Joe Grossman's monkey, Sherman, in "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols."
18Bill DeLace stars in "The Story of the Late Show Meatball." (video)
19"Good Things About the Mayan Apocalypse"
19Shannon Eis has New Holiday Toys.
19Dave has a fun desk chat about an odd visit to a store during Christmas shopping. He's always a great storyteller. (video)
20Dave has video from the staff Christmas party. Shecky is tragically killed by a Christmas tree that becomes self-aware.
21Hey, we hadn't seen it since 2/08/12. It's Derek Jeter's place!

21It's the last video of "The Sneezing Monkey Sings Christmas Carols," which is now "The Sneezing Monkey, the Sneezing Baby Panda and a Surprise Guest Sing Christmas Carols." (video)
21Naomi Watts plugs The Impossible. (video)
21Jay Thomas appears once again for the Quarterback Challenge to knock the meatball off the Christmas tree, which he wins on his second toss. He then delights us with his Lone Ranger story. (video)
21Darlene Love, for the 19th time, sings "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)." (video)
26The Kennedy Center Honors telecast is seen on CBS, with Dave as an honoree. As a 30-year fan, I was extremely proud. I was also happy that Dave seem to genuinely be having a great time, thanks in no small part to tributes such as the one from Tina Fey. (video)

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